#bitch i dont want to work retail either. what is your problem

[brainrotdotorg]

oh today is just going to be a problem huh.

[happyimaginaryme]

Retail

I really don't want to work retial anymore. Infact I don't want to work customer service jobs anymore. I've been doing it for 8 years and my currant Job is breaking me. Its not a bad job persay? Like don't get me wrong, I don't mind the pay, the yearly raises (even if they are small -cough- .25-.40 cents small -cough-) and the benfits are decent.

However... Is it fucking worth it? The shit we go through. The Shit Customers put us through. Sure sure there are some you like. Some you may even worry about if you don't see them. Some who you may see as a friend. It's going to happen.

However they don't always make up for the ones who are just nasty, The ones who are demanding, or The ones who creep you out. It's just tiring some. If something small doesnt go their way they chew your head out.

Like roday (well yesterday now) I am not even in work an hour and a lady comes over to the photo department to ask for her photos.... Sure fine no problem. Well you would think. No other rhan giving us her name the first thing she snaps at us is "Where is my 15% discount?! That's the regular price. I had a coupon for 15% off!" Absultly demanding the extra $2 dollars off. Now I am the closing manager. So I can okay the sale. But we need to see the coupon code as proof.

Now she has her phone in hand (A smart phone mind you) and she tells us its in her e-mail. That she can't get to it.

So I said 'well we can look on our website and see if we can get you another deal. There might be a better one...."

She wasn't happy with that. She demanded her 15. (Even tho onlime we had a %30 off for enlargmets which is what she got. But w.e she wanted 15)

Fastforward a few minutes after I gave her the %15 off b.c I wasn't going to argue with her she starts to accuse us for printing out her photos wrong. So my accoate explainds to her that we only print what is.sent over. We can't change things. (We can crop but only a little bit.)

Well she wasn't happy and refused the order. But.she still wanted 3 of her photos to take. So I adjusted the price. And she left once it was lowered from 15 to $7... Like lady damn.

And it just got on my last nerv. And I was only an hour in. Between a couponer whos crazy, a theif who lets her kid run around crazy while she is dressed in onsi pajamas, A guy trying to return something without a recept and then steeling what he wanted to exstange for, and a cowroker who wont so anything... I'm tired.

I am tired of being one of the only workers who does something. And there are days where I feel like I am the only one. (I love three of my coworkers to death but one goes around playing with a telzon, one dissapears or stops working after one task and the other takes his time and sometimes rather watch youtube as he works) but thoes are the three that will also work when asked. Everyone else are lazy shits.

Plus we work every fucking holiday and my store manager is always like "I have such a good team they will work the hokidays and then I wont have to yay! ESCUSE YOU BITCH I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE IT OFF TOO AND MAKE YOU WORKK! Fucking cunt.

Then we do work the holiday and we get a lot of "sorry you're open. At least we/I'm here to make your time well spent

No Karen you being here is WHY we have to. GTF home and be christmas or whatrver you celebrate hole. Like DAMN the less customerd we havr the less likely we'll be open.

And whats really not fair is the Pharmacy is closed and all the techs don't have to work. I get their primary jobs are to work in the pharmacy but when they want extra hours they are up front with us. So I don't get why the Techs don't have to work either. Or maybe we shouldn't give them hours bc they don't even volinteer and when asked they say nah sorry. Well screw you crystal you "intitled" bitch. Yet god forbid we dont help them the following morning when they are overflowing with scripts. Coulda shoulda worked it then.

I am also so tired of the distract managers telling us to be non Bias yet have western Union and to be suspecious of everyone who is making a purchas.

Don't accuse anyone from steeling even as you watch them do it, but as soon as they go to the Kiosk for western union you need to know everything from their mother's maden name to their great aunts sosocal secerety number.

Speaking of we now card everyone. Oh yeah you 80 years old and want to smoke some newports but you forgot your I.D? Sorry bra no lung crushers for you today. But here you can buy this lighter for 1.59. Have a great day!

Also corpate is so dumb. Half of them probbaly never worked in reatail their life but insists they know how to treat customers. Sorry to say this bucko but the customers always right BULL SHIT flew out the window along with beepers. Customers are NOT always right. They are NOT right when they yell at your face. They are NOT right when they call you names. They are NOT right when they tell you to have a real job. They are NOT right when they bring in their tiny non service dogs and allow them to pee on our floor. The only thing a customer should do is get their item(s) pay for them and get the fuck out. If a coupon ism't working we can usually solve why in minutes without you butching and yelling. Like okay Linda I'm not going to give it to you if you keep yelling in my face.

Also why do customers think its okay to hit on you? I have this customer who chases me around the store, asks me to merry her a few times a wek. What does my managers do? Laugh about it. Coz we can't kick customers out of the store unless they are physically hurting us or useing cuss words. Nothing about sexual herassment.

Lets not even get me started with school kids. Kids to vandlize our bathrooms, and cuss throughout the store. Not to mention steal what they can.

Fuck I am just tired. Goodnignt.

Stressful depressful Lemon Zest

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

jobs rant:

so i follow my area’s local job board on facebook, right. there’s this girl around my age (23) I think, who constantly posts about urgently needing “any type of job” in retail or a job in beauty therapy/hairdressing etc bc she’s got the qualifications in those fields. but it’s not her posts that annoy me (bc feels girl) but the people that comment on them, because a load of baby boomers hop on the post and say the following things:

(1.) boomer 1:“look here, you stupid girl, stop whinging! go hand out your resume in shops and meet them!” 

problem 1). hmm yeah go fuck yourself Martha. loads of people my age attest to doing what Martha suggested and get told to “just go apply online, we don’t take hard copy resumes!” or they spend whole days handing out resumes with only one shop taking them  bc they had a sign in the window. but does Martha listen to that? nope.

(2.) boomer 2: “how about you go in and ask for some work experience for 3 days a week, and offer to do it for free or like $5 an hour?” 

problem 2.) your suggestion is literally fucking illegal in Australia, Tessa, unless it’s part of a tafe or uni course (and you either don’t get paid or you get decently paid (hopefully) paid work experience). 

(3.) boomer 3 sometimes also in response to boomer/problem 2:  “oh but the above shows your initiative! because you’re not seeing a problem, but a solution! there’s only solutions! just stop bitching and start at the bottom just like all the others before you. you entitled brat.”

problem 3.) ??? no, Marcus, you fuck, I actually need fair pay and a real fucking job. getting either severely underpaid or not paid at all is NOT A SOLUTION, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. EVEN IF IT IS JUST FOR EXPERIENCE. IT’S NOT SHOWING INITIATIVE IF I’M BEING USED AS FREE FUCKING LABOUR!!!!! HOW THE HELL ARE PEOPLE WHO LIVE OUT OF HOME SUPPOSED TO PAY THEIR BILLS OR RENT WITH VERY LITTLE PAY OR NO PAY AT ALL????!!!!! GO EAT SHIT FROM YOUR OWN BOTTOM MATE, IF WE’RE STARTING FROM THERE.”

(4.) boomer 4: how about you just pawn your stuff off then, you spoilt brat?” / just apply for maccas/or another fast food place!”

problem 4.) you see, Leanne, i’m in the midst of applying for several fucking grad positions (which f.y.i are proper jobs outside of uni) and several other fucking jobs, including unpaid internships. i’ve applied to some fast food places before, and they’ve told me directly that they DO NOT WANT ME AT ALL bc it’s far easier and cheaper for them to employ a 15/16 year old, than employing a 23yo who actually knows what they should be paid, and not a kid who doesn’t know anything about fair work and wages. also as someone with a degree and a diploma etc, they straight up tell me i’m too overqualified and that i’ll expect too much pay so they don’t want me bc of that. also what fuck is this pawning my stuff off bullshit??? what the actual FUCK does that have to do with this??? 

(5.) boomer 5: “the job market isn’t insecure you imbecile, only you are because you obviously can’t get a job like that! learn to be more confident and maybe you’ll get one. stop being soooooo needy, and one will find you! look for more opps!” 

problem 5.) the job market isn’t insecure, Brenton? sure you can fucking say that when you’re a boomer who refuses to leave their fucking job. that’s fucking rich. but be more confident and a job will find you??? really?? thanks for the absolute bullshit mate. i’m done here. actually i’m not done! what the fuck is this “stop being sooooo needy” bs??? i’m sorry that i need some meagre ass fucking money to literally fucking survive in this horrendous capitalist hellscape you helped create, Brenton. look for more opportunities??? mate i’ve applied to like 300 bs “opportunities” nearly all of which exploit young workers to the fullest extent. hell, a good bulk of them i dont even have the quals or requirements for! ALSO, MOST OF THEM ARE INTERNSHIPS AND THEY’RE MOSTLY UNPAID OR ONLY PAID FOR ONE DAY A WEEK!! (so only $300). just.... now im done. go fuck yourself.

boomer 6: “go get a useful qualification (to attack uni/college etc quals) or *insert some other work related thing like an responsible service of alcohol (RSA) & RCG (responsible conduct of gambling or w/e it is) card here or a barista course here* or if you can’t afford it, save for it maybe??? if you’ve been to uni maybe you’d have the sense to know that much????”

problem 6.) honestly every millennial is sick of hearing this Mildred. no qualification is guaranteed to get you a job anymore, you hack. but also.... but have you ever considered how expensive an RSA or an RCG is or a combined one is??? (for reference a combined rsa&rcg in my state, new south wales, is $240)  or even a barista course???? (again for reference a barista course is anywhere between $120-$200)... like im sure for people who are living out of home, that their rent and bills are far, far more important to pay than some bullshit courses that cost like half of their fucking rent money. 

boomer 7: GO VOLUNTEER! YOU LEARN AMAZING NEW SKILLS (blah blah blah)!!!”

problem 7.) ok Mick, yes i know volunteering is a good thing.... i practically had its “importance” forcefully shoved down my throat at uni.... but consider this: only those who have some spare money around can typically afford this option, because it’s largely not paid. and if it is paid, you don’t get paid much.... but of course that all depends on the provider. you can go on about all the new skills you get from volunteering all day fucking long. but like. for most “millennials”, as you condescendingly call us, it is not fucking feasible if they have literally ZERO funds, like myself. i couldn’t afford to do the volunteer blogger position i tried to do at uni. so i ultimately gave it up.

honestly, the only boomers or maybe gen xers (who knows really) that i like who comment on these posts, are the ones who commiserate with us jobless 20-somethings about their teenage or sometimes fellow 20-something son/s or daughter/s trying to get a job.... but always getting rejected bc of their complete lack of experience (i.e. they have none) or whatever else.  

anyway that’s my dramatic rant of the month of january over lmao.

[misssophiachase]

Set It Up – A kinda but not really Klaroline Fusion (like all my different fusions)

Caroline Forbes and Klaus Mikaeslon are working as assistants to the most demanding, rival NBA bosses in New York. From Macy’s to Madison Square Garden to the MGM Grand in Las Vegas can they stop bickering long enough to come together to make their lives easier?

All I do is Win

151 W 34th Street, New York, NY 

"Before you say anything,” he offered, holding his hand up to silence her. “He actually tried to fire a mailman today.” 

He being Mason Lockwood, the Brooklyn Nets owner. He was also notorious for being an arrogant, demanding bastard and then some. 

“And?”

“Mailmen work for the U.S. government!"

“Oh boo hoo, I don’t care, Mikaelson,” she replied gruffly, equally not caring but also knowing it was true and his boss was an ass. 

“Says the girl whose boss could give Cruella De Ville a run for her money.” He wasn’t wrong. New York Knicks boss Katherine Pierce was fierce, feisty and a real bitch at the best and worst of times.

“Exactly why I’m here to claim my blender that you have your grubby paws all over. I called earlier and put it on hold,” Caroline demanded, exhausted from the trek to Macy’s Department Store noticing he was already clutching it possessively.   

She took a few seconds to admire that his thieving ass was sort of attractive in that fitted, grey suit even if he didn’t know his proper place.

Five days ago she didn’t even know him but Klaus Mikaelson had made both an immediate and lasting impression on her, and it wasn’t a good one. She had always welcomed competition but his good looks were kind of messing with her resolve. 

Bastard.

She had no intention of letting him win.

Ever.

“But your name isn’t on it,” he shot back, refusing to relinquish her property. 

“Now, that’s extremely mature,” she scowled. “If I don’t get this exact gift for the Warner wedding my boss is going to kill me.” 

Yes, to some it was just your run-of-the-mill gadget that mixed ingredients together. But this wasn’t just any blender. This was the newest, state of the art Vitamix Blender that retailed at a jaw dropping $1198.

It also happened to be the last one left in Manhattan, Caroline knew given just how many stores she’d called in vain. She just hoped the Warners were grateful, if she managed to steal it from his greedy clutches of course.

“My boss will too given it’s a gift for his only sister’s birthday,” he shot back. “If you think I’m going to give up this blender without a fight you’re sorely mistaken.” 

Okay, maybe she had forgotten in her haste to put it on hold, oops, but Klaus didn’t have to know that.

“Only because you got caught out breaking the rules because I already put this on hold,” she bluffed, refusing to let him win.

“Okay fine, what do you want?” 

“I thought I made myself pretty clear, Mikaelson,” she growled, gesturing towards the blender.  

“What else do you want besides this blender?” 

They both held each other’s gaze for a full thirty seconds before each finally responded their resolve unflinching. 

“Disney on Ice tickets. I hear that the Under the Sea Christmas Spectacular is a huge hit in your borough.”  Brooklyn was most definitely a bad word she could never utter.  

“Seriously? That’s really what you want?”

“Deathly,” she hit back, rolling her eyes as she did it. “Surely you would have some contacts, you know if you’re actually a good assistant.” 

“Because I’m sure Katherine Pierce would love to watch a singing crab and one memory-less fish,” he scoffed. 

“She may be the Ice Queen but she also has thirteen impossible and incessant nieces and nephews. And last time I checked all fish were memory-less.”

“Well, then you’ve never met my Marvin.” Caroline was trying to ignore just how adorable he looked defending his goldfish one dimple at a time.  “Even so those tickets will cost me more than this blender.”

“Okay, so how about I sweeten the deal with some boxing tickets?”

“Not sure the local boxing round robin is his speed, love, so that’s a definite no.”

“Well, I suppose it’s your loss,” she drawled. “Hand over my blender then, Mikaelson.”

“You’re going to have to make me,” he replied jokingly. 

“Real mature,” Caroline reiterated, surprising him and plucking it from his grasp. She couldn’t miss the way his hand felt brushing against hers as she did. “I hope I never have to see your smug ass again.” She stalked away, hips swaying in her wake.

“Until I have to explain the missing blender,” he called out in frustration by way of response. 

“Because I’m sure a missing blender is going to be your biggest problem given you turned down Pacquiao vs Broner ringside seats in Vegas.”  

She made a mental note in her head. Caroline Forbes 1 - Klaus Mikaelson 0. Suddenly her hellish life as an assistant wasn't so bad if he was suffering too.

4 Pennsylvania Plaza, New York, NY 

Klaus Mikaelson was the type to hold grudges. It started when he was six years-old and his younger brother Kol stole his favourite toy and it had only grown stronger and more spiteful in the years afterward. 

Caroline Forbes was going to pay. Mainly because his boss hadn’t let him forget how pathetic he was to lose the blender he wanted to ‘a girl’ as he emphasised in air quotes. Klaus was far from chauvinistic and his boss was obviously still living in the dark ages. 

Caroline wasn’t just ‘a girl’ she was a pain in his ass and Klaus planned to bring her down and it didn’t hurt that it was her home game either. 

Rivals the Knicks and Nets were squaring off at Madison Square Garden and he’d been plotting his revenge ever since their last meeting. Sure, she was kind of gorgeous with those blonde waves and crystal, blue eyes but she was also his devious competition. And she was unrelenting. He had to beat her at her own game and he’d found the perfect way to do it.

“Glutton for punishment hey?” 

“Excuse me?” He shot back from their neighbouring, courtside seats. The pre-game arrangements were well underway. “Last time I checked the Nets and their staff have every right to be here, even if it is on enemy territory.”

“Unfortunately, yes,” she growled. “But it’s nice to know you are going down tonight.”

“Have you seen the ladder, Forbes?”

“You are one game ahead, after tonight that won’t be the case,” she scoffed. Klaus took a moment to peruse her outfit before arguing back. Even in her hideous blue and orange jersey she couldn’t help but look stunning. He decided to put it down to the fact her floral perfume was infiltrating his nostrils and messing with his composure. 

“Wanna make a bet?”

“I’m pretty good at those but if you’re game.”

“Oh I’m game,” he smirked. “The Nets win you get me those ringside seats in Vegas. And by seats, I’m going to need eight.”

“Wow, someone is wishful thinking, but yeah sure, not that you’re going to win,” she scoffed. “I cannot wait to witness the annihilation, Mikaelson.” 

Klaus didn’t even respond, just sent her a teasing glance and made his way to the changerooms to finalise everything. He had a good feeling that his team were going to take the win and Klaus would be on the way to Vegas for the big fight at the MGM Grand. His boss would forget that bloody blender ever existed. 

“In your face, Forbes,” Klaus celebrated hours later as the Nets crowd at Madison Square Garden continued to chant well after the final buzzer. She was shocked to say the least, still cute in defeat but he’d never admit it aloud.  

“This is all your fault,” she snarled. “You cheated.”

“Last time I checked I wasn’t on the court.”

“Yeah probably a good thing, you’d never actually keep up, lazy bones,” she snorted. “How about that whole surprise pre-game show where number one Nets fans Beyonce and Jay-Z just decided to belt out the Star Spangled Banner from their seats?”

“I had nothing to do with that,” he lied.

“You are the worst liar,” she huffed. “You know just how well it would be received and in turn boost team morale.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he bluffed. “The best team on the day won.”

“You are unbelievable,” she scowled. “Must really be desperate given just how much your job depends on it.”

“Is that what you say to make your situation better?” He shot back. “Didn’t think you’d stoop that low, oh hang on that whole blender situation was exactly that.”

“I guess I’m desperate,” she murmured, Klaus couldn’t miss the way her expression seemed so defeated all of a sudden. “My college loans are looming and I may have been a little dishonest under pressure because my boss wants to fire me all the time.”

“Story of my life too believe it or not,” he offered. “If only they could get on with their lives and not focus on every little thing that we do.”

“Hang on,” she murmured. “That might not be the worst idea you ever had, Mikaelson. How about we set them up together?”

“Mason and Katherine? That’s just a recipe for disaster. That much combined combustible energy cannot be safe.”

“Exactly why we have to do it,” she murmured, raising her eyebrows.

“So, I suppose I’ll see you in Vegas then?”

“If you’re lucky,” she chuckled, but given her tone Klaus knew she’d be there no matter what.  

MGM Grand, 3799 S Las Vegas Blvd Las Vegas, NV

“Okay, I sent the fruit basket to her room.”

“Aren’t you a romantic,” she drawled teasingly, barely looking up from her magazine on the bed as he entered. Klaus Mikaelson was the last person she expected to organise that. As much as she was attracted to him, Caroline was seeing no similar interests besides setting up their bosses. 

“Please don’t ever call me that. But, last time I checked you’d done absolutely nothing,” Klaus shot back. “And I won the last bet and everything. Time to show you care, Forbes.”

“Like sending an identical one hour massage voucher to both his and her rooms for the same time in the hotel spa?”

“I suppose that’s okay,” he mumbled.

“Why do I get the impression that you don’t like ideas coming from anyone but yourself?”

“Well...”

“It must be all that ego,” she groaned. 

“You really do hate me,” he asked incredulously, it was unusual for any female to think badly of him let alone abuse him incessantly. 

“For the most part.”

“Wow, aren’t you sweet,” he drawled. “So what are we supposed to do to pass the time?”

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Caroline shot back. “How about something more intellectual?”

“Wow. Finally something we have in common,” he smirked triumphantly, as she produced a chess board. 

“I happened to be chess champion five years running in High School.”

“Well, don’t want all those potential but ignorant suitors knowing that fact,” he chuckled, sending a stray dimple her way. Caroline tried to pretend that it didn’t affect her but everything inside was telling her that it did. 

And she was scared of the foreign feelings it had caused.

But in true Caroline fashion she decided to push it aside so she could beat him at chess then deal with the consequences that were threatening to derail her feelings later. She didn’t get that chance though. In fact she was in a more vulnerable position than expected. 

“Check Mate,” he murmured, sweeping his queen across the board to take her king. 

She was stunned at first mainly because she never lost. Ever. But he seemed to know her and rather than unsettling her it was weirdly okay.

Bastard.

“We have a boxing match to get to,” she responded mechanically. His hand grabbed hers immediately, the warmth spreading through her body. “Need to keep an eye on our bosses after all.”

“Or we could do something else?” He offered, squeezing her hand affectionately. “My siblings are in town tonight but I’m going to warn you they are...”

“Nick’s Fans?” She asked. “I’ve certainly experienced them and worse.”

“You have no idea, in fact I think they’d be perfect company for Katherine and Mason.”

“Why do I get the feeling you don’t care if you lose your job right now?”

“Well, if you knew my brother Kol and his big mouth,” he teased. “But if you’d rather...”

“No, I’m starting to really like your brother Kol.”

“Well. then you’re really going to like my sister Rebekah,” he chuckled. “How about we explore Vegas some more? See what fun we can get up to?”

“I suppose it can’t hurt, right?” Caroline replied.

Famous last words.

[lillgreendeathling]

         Oof y'all.  It's been a minute since I did something like this.  But ya know, sometimes you just gotta do a thing.  I won't lie this was very long winded and i ki days got board of going back and rereading and fixing shit so.  If I'm gonna be frank there is really only 1 member of our audience that is is meant for, but I figured I'd save the trouble of screen shots.  There were other parties involved that probably wont see this but worry not, they will get theirs.  That being said if you read this and your a bit confused, then it wasn't meant for you but stick around till the end and leave a com.ent if you'd like.  Might as well make it public since I really dont give a shit anymore.  So without further ado...

         I moved out of my house back in Royersford almost a year and a half ago.  It's been a journey since then, but I WOULD'VE said it's been much nicer being out of that situation then the one I find myself in today.  At the time I couldn't stand it there.  There was 8 of us living in that 3.5 bedroom house with 2 dogs, 4 cats, 3 mice, 2-3 birds(they got replaced when they died) and an Anol.  I had to share a room with my brother Gavan which I would say was like hell but that's putting it mildly.  Not only did we not see eye to eye on anything, including the things we shared interest in, but for some reason he had my grandmothers favor.  I was not that bad a kid and although I did my fare share of bad/illegal things, I never took it to far or really got myself into any trouble.  And yet for some reason Satan himself was never the one getting yelled at or the one to get in trouble when we started throwing fists.   It got worse after I graduated and started working because now I had money (and usually weed since that's when I first started smoking) and Gavan needed to have his hands on it.  And it wasn't just my money either, my aunt and cousins started noticing money going missing.  Then it was the money from birthday cards before they had been given to the recipiant, then one day one of my friends had money go missing.  And instead of something being done about it, I was made to be the bad guy and was told I was the one with a problem not Gavan.

         I started talking to my Aunt Sam after I realized I couldn't even trust my own parental figure and to an extent my aunt couldn't either.  My Aunt and I conspiring with each other about my brother and grand mother went on for about a year and a half.  I thought I could go to her about anything including when Gavan stole my weed stuff, you know she was the cool aunt.  And ik she felt she could trust me too.  But even that bridge was burned.  I still remember going to her that day, and the way she turned and looked at me and said "Is everything ok?  You've been acting different.  Are things ok at work?  Are things ok with your friends?" then proceeded to bitch about Gavan herself.  The hypocrisy that she spewed that day was so dense it could have been physically cut with a knife.

       I knew before that moment that I wanted to get out of that situation but nothing lit a fire under my ass like realizing I had no one left to trust.  The only people I felt I had were the people I had come to call my family.  My real family.  A group of people that I could just be myself around.  A group of people who would let me just do me.  A group that would have my back.  Help me back up when I fall.

    I could sit here guessing at what changed, and believe me I have a few.  Some of them aren't even guesses(fun fact they arnt even about what changed in me) cause I'm not blind.  I told you I was actually pretty fucking observant.  But at the same time I just dont care.  Cause I dont have the TIME or the ENERGY to look, to strech or reach, for something that isn't there.  I'm sometimes too tolerant of people, so much so that I have a major communication that I am well aware of.  But I'm tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me.  Especially when I know damn well what is wrong with me and what I need to work on.  I may not know how to fix those things but when I think I might be on to something, the last thing I need is that "family" of mine holding me back.  I'd rather you be there to pick me up off of my face when I fall then prevent me from getting the scars.  I didn't ask you to be my moral compass.  And instead of taking my word you kept reaching for and issue that wasn't even there.  Gee thanks for the self doubt.

         I appreciate the concern others had for me when I started drinking more frequently.  I really do so dont get that shit twisted.  I couldn't tell you why but one day alcohol didn't flip my stomach everytime I drank it.  I could not have alcohol at all without my stomach flipping the fuck out until about 3 months ago.  Before that I never really had any desire to drink, but after my jaw stopped locking up the second I smelled alcohol I decided to give drinking a try.  Never really done it before so I will admit that my initial intake was a but excessive.  Yes going through an entire bottle of tequila in 3 days may have been a bit excessive I can't deny that.  And I'm not entirely fond of excuses so I won't try and blame it on having never really drank before.  However, personally have felt no physical changes in my body since Halloween when I started drinking that I can say without a doubt didn't happen from me just working in retail.  And as far as my personality goes the only major change Ive noticed is that I speak my mind a little bit more.  Like I said before I appreciated the concern that I had a problem at first, but when I sincerely tell you that there is really  nothing wrong and that I am genuinely ok they only thing you have now done is cause me to doubt myself.  And ik if I had more followers or if I had a Twitter I would get people saying that "addiction is a real problem", "you aren't taking this seriously", "what if you actually have a problem".  To those people, well I guess you just dont know me do you?

          I said what I did at the beginning about my blood family because my true family just put themselves into their rolls.  No one person did exactly as the first one did, but not a single feeling was missed.

Thinking I had someone to talk to.

Thinking I had people I could trust.

Thinking people had faith in me and could take me for my word.

Thinking i didn't have to keep my stuff hidden and locked away anymore.  But alas.  I was wrong.  So now that you all have made me feel like I'm living back in royersford, I think it's time that I reevaluate my current bonds and see if they are thing that help push me forward or if they are things that are only gonna hold me back.  And if you find yourself stuck on the second half of that statement well.  I guess it's been fun¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[fuck-customers]

TL;DT at bottom

Last couple days have been a nightmare. Tuesday- assistant manager tells me all the mid tasks are done and I just need to worry about my closing tasks. Cool. Turns out literally NONE of the tasks were done. Not one. And that morning the store was closed for an extra 4 hours because the company's update on our POS system crashed, people were not happy. So I finish them, whatever. I start my period literally 45 minutes from when my shift started. EVEN BETTER. A girl who is in training calls and says she's going to be late. How late? She can't give me an estimate. Phone rings again, my closer's car broke down and she might be late (at least she called an hour ahead). Wednesday-talk to my manager about the previous day, her response "oh I'm so sorry I was in a meeting with our district manager" THEN EHY DID YOU TELL ME THEY WERE DONE? I had to do her tasks at the end of the night before! Plus I had two girls who hate each other and I have to try and keep them separated in a small bar area where everyone is literally within five feet of each other for 8 hours. And listen to them bitch about one another (love the drama, hate that I'm their supervisor ) Thursday- my fiance is sick and I've been up all night and morning taking care of him. Guess what, allergies weren't allergies I have a cold now. Can't call in because every supervisor is working or unavailable (yet I signed a contract stating I wouldn't go to work sick?) Anyways go in and everything is a disaster. The lobby is gross, trash overfilled, lines of customers who are all upset. Midday shift hands me the keys to the store and takes her break. Before I clocked in. I still had my purse on my shoulder and sunglasses on my head. No apron either. Jump right in and it's like everyone wants to talk to the manager. All I want to do is get my coworkers in order and figure out what happened and how can I make everything fluid again. But instead I have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to talk to angry customers and also help make drinks and get everyone's food. End of the day I was dead. Friday- Lady calls and wants her receipt from two days ago. Can't remember her order or what time she came in (literally the only two ways I can search for it) finally found it after ten minutes and she asked if I could mail it to her. Now I am a lowly employee who is in charge of smaller employees at a retail cafe. Plus that isn't even a thing. I told her she would have to come by and we could print it. Says shell swing by tonight. Never came. I finally take my lunch and I'm already sick, pmsing, and slept maybe 8 hours in the last 3 days combined. It's the first time this week I actually sit down and try to enjoy my 30 minute break. Not one, not two, but three employees needed me. One for a void on a transaction (which could have waited until I came back),two a customer wanted to know the ingredients in a drink (the person on POS could have told me instead of saying a customer wanted to speak with me), three an employee wanted to know how to make something but literally the directions are on the packet. Ended up telling everyone to leave me the fuck alone and me and one other girl (who is a dear friend of mine) and I got into a screaming fit in the back room. Saturday (today): tried to request the day off two months ago but my manager said already four people requested it off. It's the two year anniversary of my father's death and I would love to spend it with my family (we're an emotional group). No can do. AND TO TOP THE LIST! Literally right after I clock on and get on the floor I hear screaming coming from the drive thru window. It was along the lines of: "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU! I HAVNT SEEN YOU BEFORE! EVERYONE HERE KNOWS MY ORDER!" Fortunately another supervisor was there and she said she'd handle it. THANK GOD! I still hear screaming and cussing so I decide to come over and see what the problem was because everyone in our lobby was looking over the counter, watching as this chick was trying to open her car door. I told her she needed to calm down and lower her voice, TWICE. I almost brought out my phone so if she did try to jump through our window I had evidence (AND A YOUTUBE VIDEO). She scoffed and sat back down in her car and bitched about how rude I was and how rude the other girl was and she's a regular how dare we treat her like this (she's like this EVERY morning. She has a reputation yet our manager won't ban her). Anyways go on about the day and try to push to the finish line. Guy come by walks slightly behind the counter to grab a broom (TOTAL NO GO ZONE. I WAS HERE WHEN MY STORE WAS ROBBED DO NOT COME BEHIND THE COUNTER!). So I said the typical "sir, can I HELP you?" "Well I'd didnt want to have your girls clean the men's room." First of all our two restrooms are gender neutral because they are singles. Second, I've cleaned vomit from sinks, clogged toilets, period blood, shit on the floors, piss, and whatever that thing was in the corner. Third of all, and have I mentioned it, DONT GO BEHIND MY COINTER. Dude also looked like a drug dealer who would sell you an ounce of weed for $5 or a ride to the nearest 711. Then another guy came in and one of the girls told me a couple of nights ago her and a male friend were at a nearby gasstation and he made sexual motions towards her. So I told her to go into the back room take her break and I'll keep an eye on him. I walk by him later in the night and he tried to say something to me. Fortunately my fiance was there and told him "don't talk to her". Shut his ass down fast. My fiance is NOT a fighter but if someone is making me uncomfortable he will shut that shit down. He's amazing like that. So the rest of the night my fiance say at the table closest to my register so he can keep an eye on the creeper. FIANLLY 3 MINUTES UNTIL CLOSING and a MOB of people come in wanting drinks upon drinks. I take their orders and tell everyone in the lobby if they're not waiting on their order they need to leave and the store is officially closed. Crepper dude comes up and my fiance snaps up and goes between us and he's like "yo I just want to use the restroom" YA! "no sire the store is officially closed." And just as if someone answered my prayers because a security guard came in and escorted that specific person out of the store. Just so happens during his smoke break my fiance had a chit chat with the security guard. Good news is a competition company wants to take me with better paid, same benefits, longer lunch, as a supervisor with the same schedule and hours, and my store manager could possible be my old supervisor (who I replaced) who actually appreciates my hard work and is also a friend of mine. Honestly if she gets that promotion I'm gone from this stupid ass company. Only thing keeping me is it's two cities away (managable but my car broke down and my only method of transportation is by train. And I'd be closing at the dead of night taking the train where there's been a LOT of crime.) TL;DR: Week was one of the roughest. Ended up with some lady screaming bloody murder over a $5 drink. Fiance had to fend off this creepy ass guy. Managers suck. Customers suck. But I might get a better job that's exactly the same but o get more out of it.

[vampire-core]

/post/161320161315 every single Fucking cmnc character. every single one. trust me dude (if u want!!!)

fucken hell yeah hyperfixation time

FRANCES

A: what I think realistically

tbh frances seems like the type of person where playin the piano is like. a coping mechanism for her?? like if shes stressed/angry/havin a Bad Time she either

a: plays a Sad Tune to angst

b: plays something AGGRESSIVE to get her anger out

c, a rare option: plays smth happy to take her mind off it

bc she seems like the person to Wallow in her own sadness tbh im guessin c is Rare but

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

frances wears horribly fucking clashing colors like. bright neon orange and the ugliest brown-green mixed and goes out like that in sunglasses

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

frances didnt have a good home and she got with junior to get Out of it and then he turned out to be a piece of shit and her life just spiraled Down

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes an agender lesbian with three gfs

HENRY

A: what I think realistically

tbh henry totally seems like hed learn to bake for nancy like. i know hes in-canon a horrible cook but like. imagine this sweetie taking secret baking lessons for like Forever and then he surprises nancy on her bday with like. a rlly nice homemade cake and they cry together :’)

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

henry is a clumsy-ass Shit so he breaks things like 384723897423894x and once he managed to break a vase nancy Really liked and she walked in on him Coated in glue and just. “what are you doing” “no nothing what nothing is broken” “henry the vases shards and glue are both everywhere” “everything is fine nancy”

also nancy being at the store and henry seeing a spider and screaming on the counter until she got home

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

henry living with the eternal guilt over taking the “wrong” choice even though there was no good choice because he either stayed in a place where no issues were being worked out or he left :^)

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

hes a trans bABY AND I LOVE HIM SO FUCKIN MUCH

NANCY

A: what I think realistically

tbh i can imagine her bein in a book club but being the Shy One who never talks during meetings

also i can imagine her learning to paint and Loving It and showing henry the paintings which show what her world is like and hes like “:00!!!”

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

NANCY SPRITING AROUND IN HIGH HEELS TRYING TO CRUSH A SPIDER WHILE SHE AND HENRY BOTH FUCKING SOB BECAUSE SHE CANT MANAGE TO KILL THE SPIDER

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

nancy living with crushing guilt and abandonment issues but hiding it because she doesnt want to bother henry and she keeps randomly crying :)))

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes genderfluid as FUCK and has a gf

BONUS: JUNIOR

A: what I think realistically

tbh this dude is fuckin Shitty and hes def the type of dude to have like 3 gfs at once but not an open relationship just straight-up cheating

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

in a modern au junior discovers furry culture and refuses to wear anything but a pigeon fursuit for three years straight

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

he left frances with more trauma than she mayb had :))))

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

hes a fuckin furry. let him be a FURRY MAKE HENRY BUFF AGAIN I THINK YOU MEAN MAKE JUNIOR A PIGEON AGAIN

BONUS: PATTY

A: what I think realistically

she has a Huge family and sends all of them christmas cards, and she only has one great-niece who cares enough to reply and visit and stuff and sometimes the neice brings her kids and patty fuckin loves kids and spoils em like a grandchild

also she sends christmas cards to her neighbors and invites them over for dinner weekly

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

she sews and she once had an awful neighbor who was a total bitch so she bought this cheap-ass shirt, fixed it up in a day, but it looked new and beautifully made and the neighbor felt so bad and patty just. >:3c dont be a bitch

the neighbor got to keep the gift tho and was Nicer and patty was :3c

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

she feels SO BAD that she didnt notice henry and nancy being missing sooner bc she ALWAYS wanted to be friends w them both and she loved em to bits

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes a trans lesbian and has a long-time wife :3c

KENNITH (this ones just gonna be kin shit but shhhh ;))) )

A: what I think realistically

if its not a school day and hes home alone kennith 100000% will Not change out of his pajamas and will yell at you for wearing shoes in his room dont fuckin touch him with your nasty-ass feet stephamie

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

KENNITH GETS SUPER DRUNK AND STARTS FORGETTING THINGS HE JUST DID AND GETTING REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED AS STEPH LAUGHS HER ASS OFF THREE FEET AWAY (based on my own experiences)

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

kennith has an ed he doesnt know how to deal with and doesnt even think is that Bad so hes just suffering :’))) can relate buddy

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

hes trans you cowards and in a qpp with steph

STEPH

A: what I think realistically

steph is Rlly skilled at punching and taught kennith how to punch but also if u rub her back she will Deactivate in .2 seconds so even if she acts tough she has a fuckin self-destruct button and its her back

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

STEPH AND KENNITH MAKING DIRECT EYE CONTACT AS THEY COME UP WITH INCREASINGLY BAD ALTERNATE TITLES FOR A PENIS

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

steph tends to put on a Happy Face bc she thinks kenniths problems are worse than hers, so she has no help and no clue how to deal with them and just gets worse and worse :’))

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

shes a fuckin lesbian in a qpp with kennith you cowards and shes genderfluid

GREG

A: what I think realistically

this man has fuckin Depression my lads and anxiety and tends to self-medicate with weed even tho he Knows its prob not the best option but i mean. hes a retail worker can he afford meds? no

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

if you do Anything greg will probably stay apathetic, and he can say most things with a straight face. he enjoys making completely filthy jokes with an unwavering neutral expression and watching people crumble

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

……………tbh hed prob think he couldve done More to help kennith after he Died but never did so i can imagine hed feel. kinda guilty sdkjfhsdkf maybe my kin ass is just hopeful

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

let him have two moms you cowards (also him and kennith are boyfs dont make the rules my kin ass is GAY)

BONUS: JENNY

A: what I think realistically

….tbh they seem like the type of person who always has a sketchpad and paints a lot and is just Super artsy

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

jenny and kennith lock eyes and they can instantly feel the hatred kennith emits bc t h a t s  h i s  f p  but also they can tell he wants steph to be happy and they can SEE the STRUGGLE on his FACE and he looks kind of like an angry chihuahua

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

…..tbh i dont have anything for them

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

let them be a nonbinary lesbian who draws their gf constantly

BRI (aka kin ass two: electric bogaloo :3c)

A: what I think realistically

tbh they seem like the type of person to have a cat. in my canon it was an orange cat named sherbet B3c they love that cat to Death and show it to avery on video calls

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

bri says “rawr XD” out loud and accidentally says that to a teacher, who stands there for .3 seconds and kind of just goes with it

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

they dont actually die and have to live with their gf bein dead :’)

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

they live and also so does avery and theyre happy fuck you

AVERY

A: what I think realistically

tbh she seems like the type of person to have a wide friend group but only be “close” close with like. 1-2 people??? and like she loves all of her friends but she cant maintain that many close friends

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

she once laughed so hard she snorted soda out of her nose during a video call

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

her last thought is of bri :’)

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

SHE AND BRI ARE  H A P P Y AND ALIVE

SPOI

A: what I think realistically

they seem the type of person to like???? fuckin rag on shows while watching them, ie shout at the screen, point out plot holes etc and then say “wtf i loved it” at the end

also they throw popcorn at the screen during the movies

B: what I think is fucking hilarious

they hide under nancys table and let out a vicious shriek whenever nancy accidentally kicks them

C: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends

they cause Endless Suffering and dont even care like they cant sympathize or manage to be Decent and like. they LAUGH at it and its like??? a s s h o l e

(and i have like No Empathy but i can still manage to be a nice person so?? no excuse there)

D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway

theyre the one stealing nancys bobbins >:00

[nedpng]

Okay so like absolutely zero hate but why do some retail workers act like they're way better than all the customers? And whenever a customer wants to rant about a legitimately rude cashier or worker they just get told to shut up because customers are the w o r s t and blah blah. Or was it just me that got shut down like that v'':

it took me like 3 days to respond to this bc i had to calm down before putting a very long emotional response here and no one wanna read that sooooooOOOOOOOO

i think it was just that instance. if that was as big of a problem as one might think, i can guarantee u they either no longer work at that location of HR already put them thru the ringer. try thinking abt what they really said and what you might have said

 im going to assume u are either really young, never worked in retail before, or both. so come, sit, by the beans and let me take u on a journey

the customer will always think they are better. a customer can yell in my face, call me racial and sexist slurs (ive had customers call me a “mexican bitch who cant even do the jobs she’s stealing right” and another call me outright stupid bc i didnt know off the top of my head of there was a store location in a completely different state in some lesser known city). the customer knows they have this power to be mean, be nasty, be difficult and get away with it and more. the employee knows this too. and we know all we can do is stand there and take it. ive watched a customer make my coworker cry bc the line was taking too long.

and dont get me wrong, there are legit rude employees. we had this seasonal employee who got on my dam nerves !! bc she was legit mean to the other employees and fought with a customer (mind you we dismissed her after that) have u been to a mac or sephora, idk what the hell their hiring process is like bc damn. but, a lot of times, the cashier might just have the face, the voice, or the resting attitude that might come off as rude or mean.

but dude, its so hard to be “HI HOW ARE YOU :DDDDD” for several hours, esp after having half the store watch you get chewed up by someone.

and like, the employee does not act like they are better than the customer. but the employee does know more, bc they work there. when an employee tells you “please dont touch that” “please dont open the cabinets” “thats not in our company policy” “we cant honor this coupon” “may i see an ID” “where did you get this coupon” etc, 9/10 times the customer who got told that will go to my manager and say “your employee is very rude >:((((”

listen buddy, pal, friend, dudes, im not sitting here and telling you that your experience was not a bad experience. bc that is shitty i know what getting discriminated by employees is like. what i am saying is this:

be mindful of employees

they are humans with various emotions that react to things

they are tired bc retail is a legitimately emotionally and physically exhausting job

the plight retail employees get from customers is real 

you get one mean cashier. the cashier gets 20 mean customers (the holiday season was impossible bc of this, i always dreaded them telling me to hop on register)

if youre nice to them, they will be 10 times nice back. most have to be nice by default, but an extra burst of nice and personality will come out. and trust me, like they always remember the worst ppl, they always remember the best too

please be nice

have your coupons and payment ready at the register

i bet i now sound like the rude cashier but yea

if not feel free to ignore everything i said and heres what i would have responded with if i was told this at work

“oh im so sorry about that. they shouldn’t have talked to you like that im so sorry. im sure they didnt mean it, theyre probably just exhausted, but i will talk to them afterward.” 

[teddy-feathers]

I hate that I get overwhelmed with things I KNOW I can handle. I hate that I worry people or stop talking to them and I hate that when I finally can again its just like a weird dream that doesn’t even make sense to me why I felt like that. I hate that when I’m finally okay again I’m still anxious, and I need to make it up and prove I care because if there’s anything my family has made clear to me its that self isolation just drives people away and the more you push them away the more likely it is that you’ll have chased them away for good this time. I hate how much I care, caring hurts and I hate it that other people matter so much and I don’t know how to explain that in a way that doesn’t make it sound like I hate the people, I don’t I adore them and would keep them forever if I could. I hate that I have this unreasoning fear I can push off and ignore largely and act like any other dumb “kid” my age sometimes but other times its impossible and I’m just a mess like its all or nothing I’m okay or I’m not and I don’t get to decided when that switch flicks. Only some times I CAN push past it which just goes to show theres nothing wrong with me if I just get off my ass and deal like a grown ass woman. I hate that I hate myself not because its unhealthy or unreasonable but because of the position it puts people in that are attempting to care about me. I push people away and punish them for caring about me and make my problems a problem for others and let it take me away from people who need me, or at the very least could use a little easily given validation. People have done so much for me and I take and take and hardly give anything in return. and I keep fucking up my life making it more and more likely that everyones efforts are fruitless, that I’ll never get my shit together, that I’ll never really be able to repay people or help anyone I care about when they need it. I hate relationships because I cant or dont or wont hold up my end, i’m not reliable. I hate being that person. I hate that I dont change in large ways and i hate that EVERYTHING is constant drama with me. I spend 90% of my time each day avoiding drama to the point I need a constant source of positive stimulus to make time bearable why the fuck would I ever want to make it harder or be a drain on others. I can’t be relied upon. I hate that I’m afraid. Afraid. Afraid when things are bad yes, but things are always bad and theres a part of me that prefers it. But I’m even more afraid when things are good or people are nice and I don’t know how to handle it. I hate that I don’t know how to handle it, that I blow everything out of proportion. I hate that I constantly want to apologize and that I cant sit down and explain the ten infractions I just made against your person even though I KNOW you either didn’t notice or it wasn’t a big enough deal to make issue of, and yet here I am making issue of them by apologizing. I hate that saying sorry for everything robs my apology of sincerity or legitimacy because I promise I truly mean it every time. I hate that I want to make excuses by going “its because I have avpd” but that i don’t see that as an actual excuse because the only time I think something might actually be wrong with me is when I feel like this and I do my best to never feel like this. I hate that ensuring that I am okay and stable every hour of the day - despite being apart of my everyday functions - robs me of the same amount of applicable functionality as a full breakdown, the only true difference being at least I didn’t spend the day literally crying and shaking and unable to breathe without active concentration. I hate that the older I get the less I’m able to just set my mind and do things - the more likely I am to panic over something that should be routine or thoughtless or at the very least I KNOW whats going to happen and why and nothing bad is happening so I should be fine only I’m just NOT anymore. I hate that I’m afraid to claim people I honestly care about as friends for too many reasons to count. I hate that entire concept of pity. I hate that I have no real self esteem to speak of and yet I have enough fucking pride to choke a horse. I hate I hate I hate I hate and I am afraid. Sith ideology may not be a real system but anger is based on fear and I hate myself because of shame and I cant turn that off ever.and I cant even put that hate to good use like both the dark side and my dad advise because it is crippling. I hate that as soon as the switch flips I’ll go back to thinking nothing is wrong with me and yet I’ve got an entire rap sheet of things right here that probably prove yeah. Avpd is a thing I have. and yet NOTHING is wrong or too much to handle in any of this its just ME making it too big and overwhelming and giving up and being stupid and weak and I hate it so much because I can feel like this and know I have no excuse I did it all to myself and I deserve any and all suffering I derive from it because of it and maybe when I hit rock bottom I’ll pull my act together only I keep hitting rock bottom and its more like trying to swim in a pool and drowning instead and just I keep bounching to catch a breath only to slip back under and everyone in my family just stands around helpless because they all know I can swim and tread water and they keep throwing life preservers but i either dont grab them or slip off as soon as i catch my breath because i can swim damn it and no one fucking gets it or cares or can do anything about it because in the long run it doesnt matter you just have to fucking deal only my ablility to deal slips away on a regular bases and so you’ve just got to do the best you can with what you’ve got only it doesnt work like that for me and it never has no matter how much i wanted it to and it doesn’t matter because its just my fucking problem the problem is with me and I fucking broke myself so I should be able to put myself back together only nothings wrong with me i just need to get off my ass an stop feeling sorry for myself and everything just builds and builds and builds good bad it doesnt matter if its an emotion it fucks me over in the end and can you see why i hate dealing with people when if i’m not constantly a raw nerve I know I could turn into one at any fucking second and theres no off switch for that and theres no allowances for that in normal society you cant just go off and break down or have a panic attack in the bathroom for a hour or start crying for no reason and work retail even if retail is easy and you know what the fuck you’re doing because praise and criticism destroys you the same and it doesn’t matter if you like the people involved or not and then you over analyze EVERYTHING not JUST the fun stuff like characters and stories but everything so you always come out the worse for wear no matter how much you like and enjoy talking to people and then I do shit like this and over share or I just blow people off by being a smart ass or trying to be funny or avoiding things all together or I don’t and I over react and it just makes things weird and akward and hard and puts shit on people and so you try to keep things on others and when they let you its delightful and easy for a little while because even though its technically wrong at least you FEEL like you’re failing less and honestly thats all you can settle for is being LESS of a fuck up. I don’t want my family to take things away from me, even if I cant handle shit even if I’m a failure I cant literally cant handle that I cant and I wont let them or anyone I just cant I can do this I just have to do it my way which i know is wrong but honestly ever since I started taking small victories where I can and settling for less failure I’ve felt more okay which my family has noticed but at the same time I’ve lost my shrink and my job and now i’ve got to be the adult in the only relationship in my life thats ever been effortless and I just .... god and what set me off today is how excited/nervous I was about maybe saying hi in the chat and how I was telling my brain itd be okay but then I thought about how I worried them and I just lost it and with my luck someone will actually read this stupid vent post and be worried all over again or worse or just say fuck that bat shit crazy bs or whiny bitch or whatever and ... i just needed to vent and more than that I just wish I could make someone understand. I KNOW and think perfectly fine and can deal and function and I’m just pretty standard if unexceptional person of my generation... except when it comes to emotions. then I’m I fucking broken robot and sound like a nut case or a brat or whatever. Theres nothing wrong with me. not in a way that should be fucking with my life sense I KNOW better you know? People have it worse than me are doing way better I have no excuse except lazyness and selfishness and shit along those lines.