#block it and move on!! I think it’s a western thing but sometimes your opinion does nothing and you just gotta move on

[hilichurlrights]

PEOPLE MAKE /WHAT/ OF KLEE,,, now, personally, i don't ship kaeluc (i'm more familiar with the English translation) but that doesn't mean i would be mean to someone who does! i would, at most, go "yeah, it's not my cup of tea" and leave it at that! like, if you hate it, why interact with someone you KNOW likes it? people can have opinions other than yours (meaning the rude people's; you're fine). you don't need to respond, i'm just venting. they should spend their time elsewhere

Nah bro vent louder for the people in the back!! Legitimately if you google “genshin hentai” or similar (don’t google it word of warning) you’d find loli lewds in the first few dozen results.

And like, obviously that’s not okay at all, that’s a problem, but even if I decide it’s my problem what can I do about it? Harassing the creator won’t help. Doing anything that spreads the content won’t help. Complaining vaguely with no proof of what I’m complaining about won’t help. Nothing helps, except denouncing it at opportune moments, i.e. someone deliberately shares it with me or asks me my opinion. The more you fuel a fire, the more it burns.

And sometimes I’m wrong about things. We’re all wrong from time to time. As much as diehard anti-kaeluc people who harass everyone and their grandmother about what they ship don’t understand a character of Chinese, my English isn’t perfect, my French isn’t native, my Spanish isn’t entirely fluent. And even if I were a native speaker, plenty of English speakers miss nuance in their own language. I studied Latin for 7 years; mistranslating is half of translation. It’s what you do, it’s how you learn.

And at the end of the day, how much is a perceived wrong worth? I think making lewd art of Klee or other characters with the loli model is horrible, and I think “well she’s not human” (used for all 3 of the current lolis, probably more in the future) is a very transparent alternative to the classic pedo line “you’re more mature than your age”, but what am I going to get done about it? Not what am I going to do, but what can I change? Does harassing someone over it make me the bigger person, even if they are so, so wrong?

All we can do is curate our experiences. I follow some artists on Twitter, I block others, some I’ll like or retweet a post here and there but steer clear of the rest of their content. People can’t be perfect, but we can choose to see the sides of them we’d rather see. Why spend all my time on the internet looking for trouble when there are so many things I enjoy here?

It’s like that expression: knock on enough doors asking to see the devil, and eventually he’ll answer.

[potteresque-ire]

Concerning the incredibly far and deep reach of CCP’s propaganda, the narratives the government can spin and call the truth; does ‘the common normal populace’ actually know what’s really going on?

Hello everyone!!! Happy Chinese New Year!!

I’m grouping these asks because if I hear them correctly, they’re all related to this question: how much do people in China know about the atrocities committed by their government, and why don’t they do something about it?

It’s a difficult question, isn’t it? A potentially upsetting one too, just to think about. My answers are more opinion-based, more personal this time. Since there’re no polls about what people know, they have to be based a little more on my own impression, which has more chances of error. Please bear with me and proceed with caution ...

As with people in most countries, what people know is hugely dependent on individuals. Specifically, re: politics, I can think of at least three reasons why people don’t have the facts

1) they have limited access to information 2) they’re being lied to about what they know 3) they’re not interested in current affairs.

1), of course, is what most people think about when it comes to China. You’re right, Anon(s), that VPN use is indeed rampant in the country and is essentially an open secret; there’re no official numbers but surveys have estimated the number of users can be up to 100 million, most of them being youngsters. They use it to do exactly what most of us would imagine: gain access to things they don’t have otherwise. Instagram has been (sporadically?) blocked since 2014 September and so while users may have set up their accounts while being overseas, it’s indeed, (very) possible, that they’ve set up and maintained their account under VPN use.

Wait, you may ask, so you mean the Great Firewall of China doesn’t exist?

That’s exactly the official stance. Not because of private VPN use, but because individuals/companies can apply for a license via their telecommunications company to visit all internet sites. Hence, the government’s claim that the Great Firewall doesn’t exist—you’ll be let through as long as you ask (and we’ll watch your every step)! There are also no explicit laws prohibiting the use of private VPNs; only a handful of arrests associated with private VPN use have been made and only since 2019, and the punishment is considered light—no imprisonment, just fines. It is, in contrast, against the law to *provide* private VPN services, and while companies have been shut down, the crackdown has still been incredibly sluggish by Chinese government’s standards, especially when the Xi regime has made its intention of banning VPN known and directives have been issued for that in 2017.

Why has VPN continued to enjoy this “grey existence”? Because without VPN, a lot of foreign businesses would leave—some, for example, require the most efficient online tools developed outside China to track the foreign markets, and talents have rejected job offers in the country when they realised they couldn’t get on their favourite social media. The science and tech sectors also rely heavily on VPN—programmers relying on Google to search stackoverflow, for example, to find known solutions to bugs. 

VPNs have also served political purposes—Hong Kong, Taiwan, and Chinese Communist Party (CCP)-critical communities all over the world are all painfully aware of the Chinese government’s practice of hiring its own collection of internet commentators (”50 Cent Party”), and at times, mobilising their youths (gamers, fan circles) to scale the Firewall and astroturf, throw insults at the “CCP enemies” and bomb message boards with pro-CCP messages.

Also, a significant fraction of VPN companies, both in China and overseas, have been reported to have Chinese ownership, by companies with government connections. These VPN services provide a false sense of security for those who do not enjoy having big brother peeking behind their backs while acting as surveillance tools that extend beyond the country.

(Please be careful about free VPNs).

The next question: If until now, users of private VPNs only rarely get into trouble, what’s holding them from scaling the Great Firewall and learning the facts?

It is this: the law isn’t about “climbing the wall”, but what one does outside the wall.

Article 6 of the 2016 edition of Cybersecurity law states the following: 

第六条　国家倡导诚实守信、健康文明的网络行为，推动传播社会主义核心价值观，采取措施提高全社会的网络安全意识和水平，形成全社会共同参与促进网络安全的良好环境

Article 6: The State advocates sincere, honest, healthy and civilized network conduct; promoting dissemination of the core socialist values, adopting measures to raise the entire society's awareness and level of network security, and forming a good environment for the entire society to jointly participate in advancing network security.

What this article implies is this ~ legally, Chinese citizens are bound to the Chinese government’s rules of good internet conduct, regardless of whether they use VPN to get on the internet. As with many Chinese laws, however, the vagueness in wording invites more questions than answers. Is it getting on Twitter, a banned website, “sincere, honest, healthy and civilized network conduct”? Obviously, it’s illegal to interact with other users about the Xinjiang’s internment camps, but what if one only goes there to talk about their favourite stars, because on Weibo supertopic they can’t even mention the stars’ name, can’t ahkgkhagjkfaskjgdf about their favourite fics? What if one goes there to discuss a M- or E-rated fic? Where is the line drawn and given its vagueness, will that line move tomorrow? How?

Most people, therefore, have opted to simply stay away from VPN. After all, China offers its own version of many of the fun websites out there (Weibo-Twitter; Instagram-Oasis; Tiktok-Douyin; Youtube-Bilibili). For those who do use VPN, they tend to stick to websites that are unlikely to cause issues (such as Instagram; Instagram became an issue when Hong Kongers started to upload information about the protests on there).

Now, let’s proceed to 2): People don’t know the facts because they’re being lied to about what they know.

There’s a difference between having access to facts and knowing that they’re facts. This is among the most painful lessons, perhaps, for those who followed the politics of the United States in the last few years (please forgive me for the US-centric-ness of the following few paragraphs!). Even with equal access to identical information, people can vary a LOT in their understanding of what are facts and what are lies.

This illustrates the power of propaganda—and propaganda in the US isn’t even centralised. Some media outlets and individuals (political leaders and analysts) have more say on what should be viewed as the truth, but parties without significant power—small foreign and domestic interests, fringe political organisations, conspiracy theorists, regular folks—have also made critical contributions to the “fake news” phenomenon in the US. There haven’t been apparent coordinations between these parties;  little concerted effort has been made to create one coherent story out of the many tales told.

In China, the propaganda effort is centralised, coordinated, free of distractions from competing story lines. The One Story the government decides on is repeated, over and over again, on newspapers, in shows, in textbooks, on signs on the streets, on social media. To put it another way, when it comes to political discourse, the country is designed to be an echo chamber with 1.4 billion people. Over time, the One Stories inevitably become firmly held beliefs—so firmly held that even if the people are exposed to facts, they no longer believe in them.

This is especially true when the source of the facts are countries with strong traditions of freedoms of speech and press, where the facts are often laid out with a critical eye to the administration and with vastly different opinions attached to them. While we view the latter as evidences that the values we embrace are alive and well—a critical eye to the administration means the Fourth Estate is doing its job, and the different opinions means freedom of speech gets to live another day—people who haven’t been exposed to these values tend to interpret these things as signs of weakness of the government. They may think the Chinese government is better than its counterparts elsewhere because no one is penning scathing criticisms against it. They may think the Chinese government is stronger because it unifies the opinions of their people—the failure of which, they’ve been taught, would lead to social chaos and economic free-fall.

The Chinese population has also been “immunised” against the truths that may be exposed about their government by a propaganda talking point used since Chairman Mao’s days—that the “Imperialist” western world, particularly the United States, is always scheming its downfall. The phrase often used is 美帝亡我之心不死 (”The heart (intention) of Imperialist US to bring us down will never die”). Unfavourable truths exposed must therefore be part of the “bring down China” scheme. This decades-old demonisation of the political apparatus of the US and Europe also prepares the people to accept what most would see as outrageous conspiracy theories: for example, in March 2020, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs claimed that the US Army intentionally planted COVID in Wuhan during the 2019 Military World games. “Foreign interference” becomes a frequent and convenient scapegoat for policy decisions gone wrong, sometimes to a (somewhat) hilarious effect ~ for example, a Taiwanese journalist calculated the cost required for the CIA to fund the 2019 Hong Kong Protests, as the Chinese government had claimed—and it turned out that the CIA was too poor to do it. 

(Many of us in the US would probably laugh at the idea that our government is capable of secretly paying 2 million foreign-language speaking strangers to show up together in one march.) (It can’t even get the COVID relief payments to its own people right over a period of months.)

(Fun trivia for turtles! As 美帝=“Imperialist US” is the synonym of a feared, imaginary super-villain—super organised, super efficient, super everywhere and super impossible to take down—c-BJYX, the indestructible No. 1 CP fandom in China, has been nicknamed “美帝 cp” by those not so enamoured with it.)

Finally, there’s the psychological factor. Once a set of beliefs becomes personal truths, listening to alternatives can be very upsetting (for those in the US: imagine the blue voting block made to listen to Fox News). Hence, even when people gain access to the facts later—for example, when they study/work abroad, even emigrate—they often don’t take advantage of the access. Instead, they remain logged in in the Chinese social media sites where they’re comfortable with not only the politics but also the language and the friendships they’ve built, and continue to immerse themselves in an environment heavy with CCP propaganda. They remain defenders of the Chinese government; some have even gone out and harass people who disagree with it, in the name of freedom of speech that their country of origin never offered to them.

Censorship, of course, is an important component of building a One Story echo chamber, and I should add a note about it: censorship in China comes in vastly different strengths. The restrictions on LGBT+ issues, for example, are fairly lax, relatively speaking—“homosexuality” remains a term one can find on their internet and a topic the administration continues to address, and while BL dramas are censored, their adapted versions, along with highly publicised discussions of their original material, have so far been tolerated. The strictest form of Chinese censorship would’ve allowed neither: any mention of the 1989 June 4th Tiananmen Square massacre , for example, is immediately removed, including any hints that the event may have happened. When the former leader of the Chinese government, Jiang Zemin (江澤民), was rumoured to have passed away, the censorship apparatus went so far as to remove all mentions of Jiang, which also happened to mean “large rivers”. Chinese netizens therefore joked that major rivers had ceased to exist in China that day, as one couldn’t find any information about them online.

(LGBT+ activists have therefore remained optimistic about the future of their campaign, despite the current state of affairs. To put it simply: the Chinese government has bigger fish to fry. Sexual minorities haven’t had major clashes with the administration, haven’t embarrassed the Chinese government with their demand for rights as the ethnic minorities—the Uyghurs, the Tibetans, the Mongolians etc did. Political dissidents, including the millions in Hong Kong, are also (far) ahead in the ranking of fish size.)

For most issues, the censorship effort sits somewhere in the middle and is often inconsistent over time. The people, therefore, often have knowledge that an event has happened — even when the event is considered, beyond the Great Firewall, damaging to the reputation of the Chinese government. However, critical information is often missing in their knowledge, or is heavily distorted. For example, overseas Chinese citizens have insisted that the motivation of the 2019 Hong Kong Protests was economic, echoing the longstanding CCP propaganda that Hong Kongers have been jealous of China’s prosperity (reality: China’s GDP per capita was $10,268 USD in 2019, and Hong Kong’s, $48,713—more than 4 times higher). They missed out a critical fact: while the fast economic growth of China has created some unease—Hong Kongers have always known the Chinese government has only tolerated them and their freedoms for their ability to generate wealth—what has truly ignited Hong Kong’s anger is the Chinese government’s violation of the 1984 Sino-British Joint Declaration, and the terms it had agreed upon to get back the then British crown colony. Hong Kong hasn’t been demanding autonomy and freedoms because it’s a troublemaker, but because these things were promised to the city as conditions of the 1997 handover. As residents of the world’s third largest financial centre, Hong Kongers are diligent drafters and executioners of contracts (which international treaties are) and above all, faithful believers of them. For an asker (the Chinese government) to claim a contract as “historical”  because it has received the goods (Hong Kong) and no longer feels a need to pay (allow Hong Kong 50 years of freedoms and autonomy) is offensive to the principle, the very heart and soul of the city. 

(Gg’s former boss was a Hong Konger, and his experience working for him was a rather accurate reflection of Hong Kong’s view on business. What made an impression to Gg—that the posters should be without rips and misprints, even if these imperfections were not the fault of the design company—is a no-brainer to the Hong Konger in me reading the interview. Delivering high quality goods and services isn’t an act of kindness but rather, of professionalism and respect for the contract.)

(This interview is a highly recommended read, for those who’ve missed it!)

(One more example of “conveniently missed critical information”: remember GG’s show on Chongqing? Did you know the underground bombing shelters were not built by the Communist government, but the Nationalist government that was still ruling China during WWII?)

Anyway, where was I?

Right. We’re getting to 3): People are not getting the facts on the political situation in China because they’re not interested in current affairs.

Some—well, many— people are not interested in politics.

Some of you may be thinking: well, I’m not interested either. I follow politics because it’s important.

Why is it important? Because political engagement means you can do something about the many ills of the society, speak for those who cannot, force the government to change by voting, by voicing your opinion, by going to marches and protests etc.

What if you follow politics and still can’t do most of these things? What if, if you do choose to do these things, the price you pay may be astronomical? Will you still follow politics or devote your time, your energy to something else, something you’ve got more control over, something that won’t be as saddening, frustrating because it’s something you can actually change?

3) is therefore intricately related to why people often don’t do anything, even if they manage to find out about the facts.

There’re no national elections in China. Marches and protests are practically banned because while the Chinese Constitution guarantees the freedom of assembly (as it does freedom of speech and press; Article 35), it also explicitly states that "Citizens of the People’s Republic of China, in exercising their freedoms and rights, may not infringe upon the interests of the State, of society or of the collective, or upon the lawful freedoms and rights of other citizens.” (Article 51) — ie. the freedoms and rights only go as far as if they do not stand in the government’s way. Social media and all communications platforms are under constant surveillance, and so only opinions tolerated by the government is allowed... 

And so, the fact, social ill that has broken your heart—you can’t tell for sure if it isn’t talked about because the government has censored it, how many people know about it and more importantly, how many among the people who know about it will agree with your take. If you break your silence and voice your concerns, how many people will have your back, even if you also conceive them as victims of the social ill? If the social ill is the lack of rights of a minority group, for example, will they appreciate your speaking out, or will your “rocking-the-boat” make things even worse for them? A heavily watched net means communications with the oppressed/vulnerable social groups are often filled with obstacles, if not outright impossible. You don’t know how these groups feel; you don’t even know how many affected individuals are there. You watch the and news and shows and they all talk about how wonderfully things are going; how everyone seems so hopeful and positive and happy with their lives—are you the only person feeling that way? Are you wrong? If you speak out then, will you be yelling into the void, or worse, yelling at the police who “invites” you for a chat in the police station? To speak for those who do not have a voice to speak, are you ready, willing to take the risk of also becoming one who no longer has a voice to speak? Is your family ready? 

To put it another way: the opportunity cost of “doing something” about the political situation can be astronomically high in China, compared to the opportunity cost of us doing something similar in our own country. 

If I want to support the LGBT+ population in my part of the US, for example, I can do so effectively with minimal investment and most importantly, with minimal risk. By pasting a rainbow flag on this Tumblr post, for example, I’ve already signalled to those who need support on this issue that I’m ready to give mine. And this “signal” of mine will join the hundreds and thousands on the site, collectively telling the activists doing the “on the ground” fighting that they’re not alone; that they have my vote of support. I pose no danger to myself in doing so; no one will accuse me of, arrest me for infringing upon the interests of the State and the Collective. The rainbow flag, a display of my stance, will not turn into a blurred blob the next time I look at it, transform overnight from a symbol of solidarity to a warning sign to those who may wish to join the cause. There’s no danger for me, even, to carry an actual, huge rainbow flag to Pride, perform my activism in person. I don’t have to worry about my phone already giving away my identity as a protester to the government, especially in post-COVID times. I don’t need to watch out for plain clothes pretending to be my allies. I don’t have to look at the many surveillance cameras present and wonder if I’ll get blacklisted as a troublemaker.

Am I still being tracked and taken pictures of? Possibly. But for this cause, at least, I’m not afraid that these information will be used to arrest me. If I were arrested, I know there'll be lawyers and activists who would come to my aid. LOUDLY. ANGRILY.

I’m not afraid. Period. I’m having fun. And I doubt I can say the same if I try to carry a rainbow flag to Tiananmen square and march there.

This vast difference in the opportunity cost of taking political action is the reason why I’ve refrained from demanding those who live under authoritarian dictatorships to stand up for their neighbours who’ve been oppressed / bullied by their governments. I’ve refrained from criticising them for looking away, minding their own business. Do I wish they’ve take action? Of course I do. Am I aware that their lack of action is potentially more harmful because of the frequent atrocities happening around them? Yes. But I also understand that going on a fight is far more frightening when one doesn’t even have a sense of how many will join their side of the fight; I understand that fighting for what one deserves—freedoms, rights, justice—should never equal martyrdom, and just because a regime has elected to put equal signs between the two doesn’t mean those equal signs should ever be there. I remind myself that, to ask the people in any authoritarian dictatorship to stand up for a political cause is to ask them to make sacrifices that we, as people in relatively free societies, do not need to make when standing up for the same cause. In a country where a father demanding the truth about the milk product poisoning of his own son got jail time for “eliciting social disorder”, to stand up for even a single issue, no matter how small that issue is, requires courage that I’m not sure I have.

I can’t ask anyone to do anything I may not be able to do myself.

And this is why I, too, have chosen to support these people, even if many of them are single-issue activists, even when many support the Chinese government on other issues that matter. For example, the late Dr Li Wenliang, one of the eight COVID whistleblowers in China who passed away from the disease, was an opponent of the Hong Kong Protest, but I still (greatly) appreciate, respect him for what he did. As long as they’re not actively helping the government to cause (more) harm to others, as long as their cooperation with their government falls within what is demanded of them as citizens, they have my support. Why? Because most people who speak out in China cannot afford to stand up for more than one cause before it becomes dangerous for them. Because even if it’s only a tiny vulnerable social group, one small minority that makes a tiny step towards more rights, more freedoms, more justice, it’s still a victory in a country where rights, freedoms and justice are luxury items for those with neither political nor economic power. Because those who’re not part of the ruling class cannot afford to cherry pick their allies, cannot afford to in-fight when the ruling class already holds absolute power. Because I still believe in pay-it-forward, that most people who’ve benefited from someone standing up for them, even for one small incident, one minor cause, is more likely to stand up for someone else.

This is, admittedly, not always an easy choice to make—not for me, at least. I do get frustrated, can’t help but think at times that those who subscribe to and spread propaganda are, to a certain extent, corroborators of the atrocities committed by their government. (So, to those who’ve felt this frustration, you’re not alone!). And the Hong Konger in me has every reason to be furious with everything about China right now—all I could think of, when I listened to Gg singing 異鄉人 Foreigner the other night, are all the Hong Kongers fleeing the city now, as refugees, because of their political beliefs.

But for now, I’m hanging on. I’ve been able to tell myself that given the country’s political reality, given its tradition of collectivism (which tends to view confrontational dissent with scorn), the paths to freedoms, to equal rights and acceptance, will not be the same as what I’ve seen, what I’ve wished for. They’ll likely be slow; They’ll likely be long and winding, taking three steps forward and two steps back; they’d likely be unexpected in places, offer us surprises —

And since it’s Chinese New Year / Valentines and I’m feeling brave (irresponsible?), I’d venture a little bit of speculation and say this ~ yes, I’ve wondered if one of these many paths may be trodden, intentionally or not, by two beautiful male idols and their millions of turtles. Is it wishful, fantastical thinking? I’d be the first to admit the answer is yes. But the BJYX scheme has been so well executed as of now, so effective that I can’t help but wonder if it’s leading towards some sort of a goal, whether devised by the humans involved or by the gods/Fates who, as c-turtles have said so romantically, have been writing an original BL story with our favourite boys. The goal may be personal —simply two people being able to act more like themselves again under the spotlight—or a bit more ambitious…

… Because the sneakers + ice-cream post did catch my attention (will probably have to devote a post on that?). Another small incident that has caught my attention, unrelated to Gg and Dd but can significantly change the path they may be trodding, is this — in June 2020, People’s Daily, the state controlled newspaper, boasted its country’s increasing friendliness towards the LGBT+ communities on Twitter . While the tweet was met with skepticism and soon removed, the message it sent is this: the Chinese government may have figured out the the Western world (in particular, the younger generations) view LGBT+ rights as a measure of progressiveness. While I’m still leaning towards the government maintaining a tight grip on LGBT+ rights within its borders, with the strengthening call to boycott 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics because of the country’s poor human rights record, I can see a glimmer of possibility that the same government may do the unexpected and cater to the queer community for the sake of propaganda.  As I mentioned, the queer community hasn’t caused much headache for the Chinese government, and so it’s far more likely to be chosen as the “benefactors” of such a “we’re a human rights champion too!” propaganda campaign than, say, ethnic minorities and political dissidents. Promoting dissemination of core socialist values has always sat high on the CCP’s agenda list, and its target audience has always included foreign, non-Chinese populations; this effort is known as 大外宣—“The Great External Propaganda”. And who better to cast as leads of an international propaganda campaign on LGBT+ rights than two of its own stars who’ve already demonstrated loyalty to the government, who’ve already garnered international fame from a TV series widely viewed as queer, and who may actually be queer?

(And if—if!!!— this ever happens, may I ask everyone to please consider doing the following? Please do not feel a need to express gratitude. Please do not act as though it’s a gift. Celebrate as you would celebrate anyone in a free country exercising their birthright to live, to love the way they want — no less than that, no more than that.)

(For those who’ve asked ~ as international fans, not allowing the CCP to modify our expectations of how a government should behave may be one of the most effective ways to protect Gg and Dd.)

(I call this learning from the best: get the goods we want (more rights for the people in China), refuse to pay the cost (subscribe to CCP’s propaganda), and RUN! ❤️💛💚)

[mythicamagic]

Funeral Flowers: a Sesskag Oneshot

Summary:  Sesshoumaru knows what Kagome's favourite flower is- because it just so happens Forget-Me-Nots have been filling his throat for months. Hanahaki Disease fic. Sesskag oneshot.

AN: for @drosselmeyerwrites​, who is also a lover of the 'suffering Sesshoumaru' trope. She's been a lovely commenter and wholesome person in the fandom ^^

Warning: body horror elements. This is a Hanahaki Disease fic with a twist on the concept.

Words: 10,000

Rated M

@cookieasylum​ drew an amazing fanart for this fic so please check this fic out on Ao3!

Funeral Flowers

It started as a mere flutter. Sesshoumaru could feel it at the back of his throat: the beginnings of something that tickled and irritated his windpipe- not enough to cause anything serious, but just noticeable. This sensation only worsened with time.

Kagome looked at him like he'd grown a second head after hearing him stifle a certain noise clumsily behind his fingers.

"Huh," she mused, peering closely at him. "I don't think I've ever heard you cough before."

After a few weeks, he'd begun coughing. A little blemish that he could easily hide behind his hand. Sesshoumaru had wanted no one to notice such a shameful thing. An unwilling action, but required in order to clear his airways.

"Hn," peeling long fingers away from his down-turned mouth, he looked away. Kagome shifted bare legs in the glittering water, lounging on some rocks by a river while half-heartedly sunbathing in a tank top and shorts. Golden eyes slid back to the slim, pale stretch of her smooth, toned leg as she swayed it.

"Kind of a human action, isn't it? Do demons even get colds?" her concern only seemed to increase. "You're not sick, are you?"

"No," he huffed, adjusting himself beside her. They kept a respectable distance. 'Friends' was what she called them. Sesshoumaru tried and failed to tear his gaze away from the parting of her thighs as she stretched languidly. "I do not get sick," he added, "such a thing is beneath me."

Kagome slid both arms behind her head to act as a cushion, laying down. "A few years ago you'd have said sitting beside a priestess ankle-deep in a river would be 'beneath' you. Things change."

Sesshoumaru tilted his chin up to regard her haughtily and gave a dignified snort, adjusting his rolled-up hakama pants. "It is beneath me."

Kagome rose a brow, fluttering one hand carelessly in a shooing motion, "go on then. Leave if it's so offensive," she sighed, trying and failing to hide her smile.

No.

His body flared alive at the thought, unsettled. Sesshoumaru bit back another prickling cough, settling for clearing his throat. "You should be the one to leave. This one was here first."

"Wha- no! I got to the river before you!"

"I was referring to age. Bratty mikos should listen to their elders."

Kagome burst out laughing, sitting up to lightly bat his shoulder. "That makes you sound ancient! You're such a dork. No one else knows how much of an absolute dork you are, do they? It's a crying shame."

Sesshoumaru did not know what a 'dork' was, but he assumed it to be something unflattering. He should've been annoyed by it, aggravated. Kagome's playful, happy scent made this notion impossible.

Thin lips twitched at the edges, dragging his heels through the cool current. He couldn't honestly put into words why exactly he'd shown up, following her scent. Logically, he knew he should leave her alone.

They fell into an amicable silence again, one that had been born from months of time spent together. Odd snatches of coincidental meetings had flourished into something more, and they'd begun seeking one another out for company whenever he visited the village. Sometimes she even paid him a visit the Western Stronghold. Any demons who complained about it were silenced by how… determined the miko was to make friends. A force of nature. It had amused him to no end watching ancients tripping over themselves to try to avoid her bad books.

He could also deeply understand those who had taken an immense liking to her.

Kagome was warm and teasing, a rare thing not wholly unwelcome. Her stories of the future were interesting, personality vibrant but down to earth and occasionally sassy. He enjoyed her more than he should, a quiet, snarky male by nature basking in her effortless glow.

"What's your favourite flower?"

He blinked, "this is a question belonging to Rin. I do not expect such fanciful notions from you."

Kagome huffed and flicked her hand to splash some water over his knee. "I can talk about flowers if I want to. Shinto asked me what mine were, so I got to thinking. I'd like to know what yours are too- or do pretty dog demons baring flower crests not have an opinion on them?"

He sniffed, bringing down one leg to create a splash that soaked her side. Kagome let out a yelp. "The Shiragiku flower. "

"Oh you can't be serious!" She giggled. "When I asked what your favourite colour was, you said 'white' of all things. White! That's the absence of colour!"

"This one is aware. You kept rabbiting on about it," he wiped some imaginary lint off one shoulder.

"But still! And now you tell me you like flowers that are infamously used for funerals," blue eyes rolled skyward, glittering with mirth. "Why am I not surprised, Mr Killing Perfection?"

Thin lips lifted into a sneer free of malice. "Very well, Shikon miko. What is your favoured flower?"

Kagome hummed. "Forget-Me-Nots."

Letting out a noise between a huff and a chuckle, he shot her an exasperated look. "And you give me grief over mine. Did you not say that blue was your favoured colour?"

"Hey, Forget-me-Nots can be pink, white or blue! I'm not as predictable in my tastes as some people."

That was most definitely true, he thought flatly. She had moved on from her first love, a Hanyou- only to bond with a Daiyoukai, and then…

And then…

Kagome stood, stretching both arms above her head. Sesshoumaru knew what she'd say before she even said it, wincing and bringing a hand absentmindedly to the base of his throat. It throbbed. Now the ache even seemed to seep lower.

What is this pain in my chest? He wondered. What is this strange sensation?

"I should go."

Sesshoumaru slid tired attention up to her and nodded silently. He would not wish her well.

"Shinto will wonder where I am," she needlessly elaborated.

"Indeed."

Kagome glanced at him and dropped her arms. "What's wrong?"

He thought to tell her, not for the first time. But it was silenced by everything else that had come before. Their history. Their species. Her lack of discernible interest, her new flame. A heavy weight pressed down upon his chest. His shoulder ached.

"Nothing. I am fine."

Dark brows pulled together. Sesshoumaru stood and nudged her away with a single palm on her back that lingered too long. "Go. I am… merely hungry."

"Oh!" a look of relief swept over her face. Kagome laughed, "okay, I'll leave you in peace. Happy hunting!"

Sesshoumaru felt his chest ache and constrict while his expression remained a blank mask. He covertly winced after she'd jogged away to a trail within the forest that would take her back to Kaede's village. She stopped to wave, and he quickly wiped his expression clean again, rendering it neutral.

Kagome smiled gently, her face full of friendly affection. Sesshoumaru regally inclined his head, eyes burning.

Do not go.

She left him alone, hurrying away to see her new flame in complete ignorance.

Sesshoumaru coughed and massaged the base of his throat as soon as she was gone, frowning.

Feeling something stuck to the roof of his mouth with his tongue, he curiously parted his lips and reached behind a sharp tooth to pluck the soft, small thing out.

Damp from saliva, a tiny, pretty blue petal caught his attention, clutched between forefinger and thumb. Sesshoumaru stared. A sense of creeping foreboding slipped into the back of his mind at the discovery.

This did not bode well.

---

His affliction made visits to the village difficult. It was easier in the beginning when he could hide a few coughs and tickles of the throat. Steadily, however, the discomfort increased. Sesshoumaru needed to pick out petals from his mouth every day, and the number of them only grew with frequency. He had to remove the irritating little things every hour now.

"Lord Sesshoumaru has been picking at his teeth a lot lately," he heard Rin whisper to Jaken, pausing mid-brush. She had been tasked with caring for the old miko's horse. "Is it a toothache?"

"Shh! Don't comment on such a thing so loudly, girl! If Lord Sesshoumaru wants to do some teeth maintenance, then he may do so!" Jaken squawked, frowning up at her.

Sesshoumaru cut golden eyes to the sky and turned away.

"Ah, I didn't mean to insult you, Lord Sesshoumaru!"

"You're STILL drawing attention to it!" Jaken griped.

Pointed ears twitched, blocking out their animated voices and tuning into a set of quick footsteps. Sesshoumaru inhaled, wincing as his lungs protested- the scent of citrus, summer and home comforts reaching him long before Kagome appeared from around the side of a hut. She beamed. His heart ached.

"Hey," she called, trotting over.

"Hello, Kagome!" the little girl waved enthusiastically, wobbling.

Steadying Rin atop her wooden perch as she continued brushing the tall horse, Kagome flashed him a knowing look. "You look tense. Is it from being near the stables?" she teased.

Rin gasped, "does Lord Sesshoumaru not like horses?"

"It's their smell, you nitwit!"

Kagome frowned at Jaken, before searching Sesshoumaru's face for answers. Obviously his silence and demeanour was starting to worry her. Taking a breath, he tried to ignore the petals stuck in the gaps of his teeth. He could feel more building, pooling in the back of his throat like thick mucus.

"They are skittish and afraid of this one. It is better to keep distance."

Predictably, Kagome gentled- but surprised him by easing closer. She seized his hand, tugging- and he was helpless to do anything but follow. Heat touched his cheeks.

Kagome walked backwards, maintaining eye contact like the femme fatale she wasn't, shifting her soft touch to grasp the back of his hand, lacing lithe fingers through his. She then forced the Daiyoukai's palm to rest against a warm neck. The horse shifted slightly, tail flicking, yet it did not startle. With Kagome's prompting, Sesshoumaru glided the flat of his calloused palm down the length of its powerful neck, the thin layer of brown fur tickling his skin.

"Maji isn't like other horses, he's calm around demons. He has to be if Kaede is gonna ride him to fight Youkai," her voice glided through his ear canals like melted honey. Kagome hummed, "though she said because of her age that he might be mine soon. Weird, huh? It's like she's prepping me to be the village miko more and more."

"It is not 'weird,' it is expected," he uttered, thrilled at the prolonged touch. How foolish. The heat of her palm felt exquisite, hand clasped intimately around his. "You will make an acceptable village miko."

Blue eyes flitted up to him, smiling. She gave his hand a squeeze. "Thanks, but… sometimes I wonder if-"

"Ah, so this is where you escaped to."

Sesshoumaru stiffened. Kagome ripped her fingers away- tearing open a gaping hole inside him. He quickly stifled a cough, but it was larger this time, throat clogged. His shoulders shook, sweat dotting his brow.

Kagome was busy being scooped up by Shinto, a large male. He dressed well, for a human, a jagged scar running over one eye. A momento from his mercenary days, he'd called it, though he was now reformed.

Kagome laughed and swatted his shoulder, demanding to be put down. Jaken piped up, yelling about indecency. All the while, Sesshoumaru fought not to let anything show. To not let the agony out. The jealousy. The consuming desire to act upon instinct and take what he ached for.

He couldn't stand it. Couldn't stand seeing the male's burly, meaty hands drag over her hips to settle at the base of her spine. Like they belonged there. Sesshoumaru coughed again, drawing away.

Kagome caught the action, turning to him. "Sesshoumaru?"

He hated the concern swimming in her gaze. It would be so much easier to despise her.

"I have lingered too long," he said quietly, trying to mask the rawness of his voice. "This one should be going."

Kagome nodded slowly, "do you want some honey to soothe your throat? It sounds a little-"

"No," he quietly snapped, starting to walk away. Confusion immediately curdled in her scent, and he regretted the lapse in control. Now she'd worry.

Foolishness.

"Lord Sesshoumaru!" Jaken hurriedly ran after him, following his Lord from the village. "Bah, those humans get more presumptuous every day. I don't blame you for leaving in such a hurry," he muttered, keeping up his tangent long after they'd met the treeline of Inuyasha's forest.

Sesshoumaru unexpectedly stopped, slamming claws into tree bark and causing it to splinter.

Jaken yelped, jumping and dropping his staff. "Mi-mi Lord?" bulbous eyes widened upon seeing him stoop over slightly, silver hair obscuring ashen features.

Sesshoumaru's shoulders shook, dry heaving sounds reaching Jaken's hearing. The retainer gasped, watching him cough, gasp and choke. Thick trails of dewy saliva pooled onto the ground. Rasping noises shuddered out from clenched teeth. Trembling claws reached inside his mouth, feeling something at the back of his throat. Grasping it, Sesshoumaru fought not to gag, coughing while removing the thing and looking at it with stinging eyes.

A Forget-me-not flower sat innocently between forefinger and thumb.

Both demons stared. Phlegm soaked petals rested at Sesshoumaru's feet. Jaken stood gravely silent for a while.

"Mi Lord…" he said thinly. "You have fallen prey to something very old…"

"You will not breathe a word about it to anyone," Sesshoumaru coughed, eyes stinging. He straightened and wiped his mouth, collecting himself. He threw the flower aside.

"But-"

"No one, Jaken," Sesshoumaru hissed, molten golden eyes burning. "Or I'll kill you."

Jaken yelped and quickly bowed several times, promising wholeheartedly not to interfere.

"I-I understand! However, if it's not too much trouble, perhaps you could hear out a suggestion?"

Sesshoumaru sneered and started walking again, his breathing slightly hoarse and rasping now, no longer quiet. His lips pressed together, trying to silence himself. It proved painful, and he quickly breathed through his mouth again.

Jaken tentatively continued; "your affliction is something ancient. I know little about it, but I do remember that it's possible to have it removed before it claims your life."

Sesshoumaru stopped, hands curling into fists. Claws scraped palms.

"That will not do, either," came his soft response.

"W-why ever not, milord?! This matter is potentially deadly to demons!"

Sesshoumaru stared ahead unseeingly. He knew of the affliction too. Had recognised what it was immediately. If he removed the flowering bud from within his chest, wiped away all evidence from her from his body, then he'd lose the very thing that had made him catch the illness in the first place.

His feelings for Kagome Higurashi.

"My reasons are my own," Sesshoumaru coughed behind his hand. "I will not die. Do not fuss over trivial matters, Jaken."

His retainer gaped, hurrying after him. Fierce worry painted his features. The infamous and deadly Hanahaki Curse could fell even the strongest of Daiyoukai.

---

It interfered with eating.

Sesshoumaru thankfully did not need to eat too often, but hunger inevitably gnawed its way into his gut. Transformed, he raced through the forest on all fours in a smaller version of his true form. Low-hanging branches lashed at his face. Forget-me-not flowers lodged in his throat conglomerated into a thick mass. They were practically a ball stuck at the back of his mouth. Sesshoumaru managed to ignore it just enough to track the scent of a deer- only to lose it and find a green pheasant within range.

Barely a snack, but it would do.

With a gurgling snarl, Sesshoumaru sprang at some bushes. Squawking with distress, the bird took flight- only to be caught in his jaws. Bringing sharp teeth down elicited a satisfying crunch. The taste of iron filled his parched mouth. Tilting his head back, Sesshoumaru had every intention of swallowing it whole. He'd done so before. The bird was small enough compared to his form. However, this quickly became impossible.

Red eyes widened. The flowers acted as a barrier, preventing food from travelling down his throat.

Spitting out the bird, Sesshoumaru tore into it. He tried again and again, breaking the kill into smaller pieces. He even tried drinking from the river to wash down the flowers. Nothing worked. No food could pass into his stomach.

With a low crooning noise that hissed out between his teeth, Sesshoumaru padded away from his uneaten kill with an agitated flick of his tail.

---

It affected his sleep next.

At his Stronghold in the Western lands, Sesshoumaru set aside his paperwork and retired to bed. Curling into a nest of furs, he stretched out long legs, sprawling on one side.

Only to feel a dull ache thrum from his ribs.

Wincing and setting a hand over the spot, Sesshoumaru frowned. He was unfamiliar with the sensation, however, Kagome had once whined and complained about 'pulling a muscle.' Perhaps the tight, clamping sensation echoed that pain. Deciding to roll over onto his opposite side- he abruptly burst into a coughing fit. The angle had upset his breathing, lungs protesting.

This vicious cycle continued long into the night. He tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable. Even laying still made him feel tense and pained. In the end, Sesshoumaru rose from his futon and began running.

Too tired to think, he transformed, relying on instinct to guide him. He whined softly; the ache spreading. He wheezed a little, breathing constrained despite being physically fit.

The inuyoukai sprinted to the outskirts of Kaede's village. Scenting the air, he caught a welcome fragrance on the breeze.

Mate.

Clearing the hillside with a single bound, Sesshoumaru shrank his form even further to that of a regular dog. Sniffing around the outside of a hut, fluffy ears perked. She was not home.

Where?

Following the invisible trail in the air, he padded around the village, passing by unseen by some villagers. Their lack of vigilance disgusted him. What lax security. Stopping at the Monk and Slayer's hut, he listened, hearing a soft humming from within. The sharp tang of blood, vomit, faeces and afterbirth caught his frayed attention.

The Slayer had been pregnant. From the sounds and smells of things, she had given birth and now slept while Kagome remained awake. He could pick up the faint fussing from a young babe.

Sesshoumaru stayed still, listening to the miko gently hum. Slowly, his body weakened, and the inuyoukai lay down outside the hut, resting a weary head atop large paws.

Something stirred from within, the rustle of covers. "Mn... are you alright? Want me to take over?"

"No, I'm fine," Kagome answered in a hushed tone. "He seems completely zonked out, little cutie-pie."

The Slayer paused, "your head. You said it was aching again earlier."

"Heh, Sango! You've just had another baby! Focus on yourself!" her lovely voice tinged with exasperation. "Really, everything is okay. It just hurts from time to time ever since that night with the boar youkai attack. It's no big deal."

"Prolonged headaches and amnesia does not fall under 'no big deal,' Kagome."

Laughing this off breezily, he could hear the shrug in her tone. "I just blank on a few things from the month prior to the attack. I'm sure it wasn't anything important."

Tired lids slid shut, and Sesshoumaru gained some sense of rest while imagining the woman within cradling a newborn pup instead of a gurgling infant. The two women talked some more, lulling him into a false sense of comfort even as his throat thrummed with continuous pain.

---

Breathing was a struggle.

Every inhale became a wheezing, quivering thing. Like crumpled paper that had been smoothed out and squashed too many times. Mucus constantly filled his mouth, senses clogged. His breathing ranged from laboured to a noisy, rasping thing.

He could no longer afford to visit the village. Sesshoumaru took to monitoring Rin from afar whenever he felt the need to check up on her. Needless to say, he avoided Kagome at all costs. The miko was an infamous busy body who would become a nightmare to deal with if she knew of his suffering.

Yes, that was the only reason.

However, on a random day he briefly let his guard down, the unthinkable happened.

Inuyasha found out.

If Sesshoumaru had comprised a list of all the beings he did NOT want to know about his affliction, Inuyasha would be right up there, along with his meddling mother.

Inuyasha stared, watching him with a complicated, horrified look on his gruff features. Shifting, Sesshoumaru stood from where he'd been knelt by a river.

Forget-me-nots floated downstream.

"... What the hell is wrong with you?" were the first words Inuyasha blurted out.

Sesshoumaru wiped his mouth, sneering. "I need not explain myself to you, whelp."

"Keh, if anything warrants a damn explanation, it's barfing up flowers."

He didn't need to hear anymore, turning with the intent to leave. No doubt the fool would talk nonsense, and he had no patience for such things with his current headache. His temples were pounding, throat parched.

"Why don't you just fucking tell her, you coward?"

That certainly caught his attention. Sesshoumaru halted. "What?" he croaked.

"Ya think I'm that ignorant, huh?" Inuyasha rolled his eyes, shoving both hands inside his sleeves. "I know."

"Know what, exactly," silken tones rasped. "You are but an ignorant pup. You were not raised within youkai circles, and so could not possibly understand."

"And whose fault is that?" shaking his head, Inuyasha huffed. "I dunno what crap you're yappin' on about, anyway. I'm talkin' about your secret relationship with Kagome that you had a couple of months ago."

Stiffening, Sesshoumaru felt his bones lock and throat inflame. He swallowed, wincing slightly. He flashed his teeth, "whatever you think you know, it is incorrect. A baseless assumption."

"Bullshit!"

Continuing to walk with every intention of escaping the pending conversation, he stopped dead the second Inuyasha opened his mouth; "I could smell you on her! But that all changed the second she hit her head. Did she forget you or something? You were happy to just abandon her after she stopped being useful for a good time?"

A deafening snarl upset his aching throat, ripping something inside. Blurring through the air impossibly fast, Sesshoumaru snatched up his sibling's throat and slammed him into a tree, causing the trunk to shudder.

"Silence," a blood-curdling rasp hissed out from clenched teeth like boiling steam. Crimson eyes glowed, claws itching to bury into the nuisance's windpipe.

Even while choking, Inuyasha managed to bark out a laugh, grasping a striped wrist. "You really do like her, huh? Never thought I'd see the day, bastard." White ears pulled back flat against his skull. "What's the deal? Just open your mouth and tell Kagome. Then I don't have to smell your pining ass all over the forest while you stalk her."

Burning embers were snuffed out. Sesshoumaru coughed, lifting a hand to his mouth. His shoulder thrummed, aching. "I cannot do that."

"Why not?"

"She does not remember," releasing him, the Daiyoukai stepped back. "The miko fell quite quickly for the male who rescued her that night. The fault lies with me that she sustained injury. If she is content with another, I cannot force her gaze to me."

It wasn't as though he hadn't tried. However, Kagome seemed happy with their relationship as friends. Guilt, stung pride and other such ugly emotions were all tied up with the incident.

Inuyasha blinked with disbelief, sizing him up. "When the fuck did you get so noble?" Sesshoumaru sneered, glancing away as his brother continued. "And anyway, what does that have to do with you coughing up flowers?"

Since he'd revealed more than intended as it was, Sesshoumaru felt no inclination to divulge extra information. He turned and this time; resolved not to stop walking. "Drop the subject, whelp."

"Maybe I'll tell Kagome about it."

Sesshoumaru did not falter, knowing the fool's game by now. "Do as you please," he dismissed in a wheezing, thin voice, stepping under the cool shade of weeping willow trees and leaving him behind.

---

He did not intend to revisit their old rendezvous point. Sesshoumaru had wanted to put it behind him, to let everything that had happened within the cave fade into obscurity.

The second he stepped foot within the mossy mouth of its opening, however, Kagome's lingering scent fanned over a striped cheek like a breathy exhale.

Long white lashes slid half shut. Hooded golden eyes became hazed. The memory of her salty, sweet taste wrapping around his tongue flooded his senses. Claws twitched, recalling the phantom sensation of full breasts falling into his palms as her back arched exquisitely. Her eyes had darkened into a lush, deep blue.

She'd been memorable, to say the least.

Walking further in, so that he stood fully submerged in their love-nest, Sesshoumaru basked in the illicit scents and breathy whispers he could remember caressing his hearing. It hadn't just been about sex. It never was with her.

Kagome had held his demonic hand without fear and stroked his cheek, murmuring ardently or giggling quietly. She told him things he hadn't thought he'd wanted to know before.

'You're nothing like your father' she'd said easily but with a conviction that made the ageless demon believe her. The notion should've been insulting. His sire had been unbeatable in strength, so of course he should wish to be like him.

Yet Sesshoumaru had never appreciated such compliments. He wished to be unique, bold, powerful, walking an entirely different path. Her words had been strangely welcome.

"And yet here I stand, Father," Sesshoumaru uttered to himself. In love with a mortal. Dying, because of a human woman of all things.

Just like you.

"Sesshoumaru?"

Golden eyes snapped wide open. A wave of elation, dread, guilt and longing washed over him. Every fibre of his being flared to life, muscles stiffening, heart racing. His lungs constricted.

Sesshoumaru swallowed a rasping breath, shifting to face the priestess.

Kagome crept closer, glancing around the cave curiously. "Was just in the forest to collect some things. I thought I sensed you close by. Looks like I was right. What are you doing in here?"

"Nothing," he said softly. His voice sounded fragile these days.

He could tell she was confused, radiating hurt. He hadn't visited in so long. No doubt she'd wondered why. The flowers buried within his windpipe felt heavier in her presence. He cleared his throat.

"Oh," Kagome scuffed a sandal over the dirt-covered floor. "Well... I'm glad I caught you-" she offered a tentative smile. "I've missed talking with you."

Sesshoumaru's insides screamed at him. The marks on his shoulder felt like blistering iron tongues being thrust into his flesh they wailed so loud.

Mate.

"I dunno what's kept you away," Kagome continued talking, making her way out of the cave. He followed, "but you haven't missed much. Rin is progressing nicely with her riding though. I'm not too shabby with that thin sword you gave me either, though Shinto says I need more practice."

That very sent icy needles piercing his skin. Stepping foot outside, Sesshoumaru couldn't stop the abrupt bite in his tone; "why are you here, miko?"

Kagome blinked and glanced at him over one shoulder. She then threaded her fingers behind her back, attention sliding away, voice unreadable.

"Shinto proposed to me."

Sesshoumaru stopped. A profound sense of loss rendered him breathless. He anticipated a coughing fit. Wheezing. Pain. But there was nothing, just him and Kagome standing alone in the silent woods. But she'd be beyond his reach for good soon.

He'd tried. He'd tried hard to forget, as she had. To push all the feelings and words right down from his throat into his chest. Maybe that was how the curse had started.

But he'd have kept the curse for good if it meant lingering in the 'almost' fantasy of them.

Now that illusion would shatter.

The very idea of her belonging to another felt like a wound somewhere inside him that he couldn't locate. The sensation of teeth on his shoulder thrummed, and he coughed, snuffing out the sound behind his hand.

"I didn't really know what to say," Kagome was muttering. "A part of me feels like it's too soon. I wanted to talk to you about it-"

"This one is needed elsewhere," he said in a clipped tone, turning on his heel.

He couldn't be her confidant anymore. Not about this.

"What?"

He began walking, trying to put distance between them. He should've known it wouldn't work as Kagome quickly caught up and planted herself firmly in his way, halting the demon.

"Okay, what is going on with you?" she demanded. "Is it the cough? Are you in so much pain that you can't talk to me?"

Sesshoumaru flashed his teeth in a faint sneer, throat protesting at the extended use of his vocal cords. "is it so unthinkable that for once, I may not have time for you, miko?"

"Yes," Kagome planted both hands on her hips. "Because this isn't an isolated thing. I've hardly seen you all month! And besides that, you're my friend, Sesshoumaru. Friends tell each other things. Remember how you talked about the court and how obnoxious General Kito was to deal with? Things like that. I need to talk to you about this- and clearly, you need to talk to someone about whatever's going on with you. I'm worried about you!"

His heart clenched, and Sesshoumaru bit back a hiss at the stab of pain it caused. Thin breathing rasped and rattled. He raised a hand, urging her aside via a gentle grasp on her shoulder to continue walking.

Kagome's grip was not so gentle as she latched onto his arm.

Frustration abruptly burst in his chest and Sesshoumaru snarled, whirling with the intent of spilling everything to her. Ruin their friendship. Burn everything they'd built and admit his failure to protect her-

-only to cough up a mouthful of blood onto her collarbone.

Kagome yelped in surprise, eyes wide. Touching the wet substance dazedly, horror paled her complexion. She looked up at him with palpable fear.

"S-Sesshoumaru?"

Humiliation stung white-hot and burning into his body. The visceral, blinding sensation of being exposed- of being seen- felt like too much. Too raw. As a demon unused to such things, his first instinct was to remove himself from the situation.

Sesshoumaru blurred away from her outstretched hands, putting the length of the clearing between them.

Kagome called his name again with alarm, asking him to wait, but he would not heed her call.

Taking to the skies, he flew fast and erratically, a wobbly figure. Coughing hard and feeling blood clog up his windpipe like mud, Sesshoumaru had no choice but to land not long after.

Within an overcast clearing upriver from Kagome, he steadied himself against a gnarled tree.

"Hah- hah-" he wheezed, doubling over and squeezing stinging eyes shut.

Something suddenly constricted tight around his lungs, around his very ribcage. Bones protested and ached. He gasped for breath, blood leaking from his open mouth to pool on the floor. Forget-me-nots mingled with it, petals stained red.

Jolting and snapping upright, Sesshoumaru arched his back, throwing back his head. A cry escaped him unlike any other. Loud, agonised and roaring in its ferocity tinged with pain.

Stems shot out from within his ribcage, tearing his chest asunder.

---

Her friends made noises of alarm at the sight of Kagome's bloodied clothes, but the miko ignored Sango and Miroku's questions, bypassing them in favour of finding and grabbing Jaken by the scruff of his robes.

"You're going to tell me in 10 words or less what the hell is going on with your lord," she demanded.

Jaken yelped and squinted, hanging from her hold. "Haven't the faintest idea of what you could be alluding to!" he sniffed.

Kagome snarled and bared her teeth, lifting him closer with a menacing expression and gesturing to the red substance marring her priestess robes. "This is HIS blood. He looked awful. Like- like he was dying, Jaken," her voice broke. "Please. I need to know what's happening. He won't tell me what's wrong and I'm scared."

Yellow eyes rounded wider, swallowing the imp's face. He appeared conflicted.

"Kagome!"

Releasing Jaken, Kagome shifted her attention to Inuyasha, who leapt towards her with alarm pinching his gruff features.

Dread dropped low in her stomach. That was never a good sign.

Distant snapping noises like wood being felled reached her ears. From behind the approaching Hanyou within the forest, large vines could be seen shifting and slithering over a portion of the trees.

"What is it?" Miroku gaped. "I sense a demonic aura, but it's distorted."

Kagome shuddered, feeling strange. She recognised that energy. Identified it as easy as breathing.

"Maybe a forest spirit has been disturbed?" Sango guessed, clutching her son a little more protectively.

"It ain't that," Inuyasha dropped from his jump, landing before them. He panted, white hair windswept. Of all people, his gaze landed upon the miko first. "It's Sesshoumaru."

----

Their way became blocked by a thick mass of vines crisscrossing through the forest. It created a wall, preventing any from entering.

"Lord Sesshoumaru must be further in," Miroku observed, leaning to inspect the leaves. "Beyond this 'barrier' I suppose you could call it."

"I wonder what could have happened," Kagome murmured, brows pulling together. "Sesshoumaru doesn't even have nature powers."

"Why on earth did you bring ME along for this?" a high pitched, nasally voice reached their ears. Sango and Inuyasha readily ignored it, while Kagome frowned down at the imp she held by the scruff of his robes.

"Because you're clearly hiding something, and until you come clean, I'm not letting you out of my sight."

His mouth thinned into a stubborn line, glancing away.

Kagome turned her attention back to the vines. Worry took root in her stomach. The memory of the Daiyoukai spitting up blood remained fresh in her mind, evidence of it staining her clothing and plastering it against her skin.

Handing Miroku their son, Sango went first. She swung Hiraikotsu with a seemingly effortless toss- the bone boomerang spiralling, cleaving trees in half but bouncing straight off the vine wall. It didn't so much as leave a dent.

Not wasting another moment, Inuyasha unsheathed Tetsusaiga. Everyone immediately gave him a wide berth, watching as he shook the sword out into a monstrous blade. He swung it back over one shoulder, feet planted far apart- delivering a swift blow downwards with a loud cry.

A burst of power shot out, heading straight for the vines. They made contact, and for a moment Kagome thought the consuming golden light might break through, only for it to fizzle out. The insurmountable wall remained intact.

Inuyasha tried again and again, using different techniques. None of them worked.

Nocking an arrow in her bow, Kagome took aim. Pale pink reiki split forth, coating the arrow while glowing ever more blinding until she set it free.

She held out hope as it shot through the vines, managing to burst through the dense foliage- which repaired itself almost immediately, covering up the hole.

"Nothing appears to be working," Miroku muttered, turning his friends. "Perhaps we should seek advice elsewhere first before trying to continue."

Her friend's voices faded into background noise as Kagome approached the vines. Frowning slightly, she stretched out her senses, using her aura to touch and brush against the barrier. It felt like him.

If that were the case, the wall was of Sesshoumaru's own making, whether he'd consciously chosen to hide away or not. Perhaps they were going about things the wrong way.

Thinking back to Maji and how carefully they'd run their linked hands down his neck, she raised a palm. Gradually easing closer, Kagome set it down gently onto the vines, stroking downwards.

Hearing outcries of alarm as the greenery parted, only for swirling stems to curl about her shoulders- Kagome quickly grabbed Jaken.

"It's okay, guys. Just find a way to follow me in later," she met their startled gazes. "I feel like I need to reach him quickly."

"Kagome, wait!"

Ignoring their protests, Kagome lept into the fray. She welcomed the green vines that wrapped around her, enclosing the miko and wailing kappa securely behind its wall.

---

Mercifully the winding tendrils of vines that moved as though infused with a will of their own allowed her freedom of movement. Kagome climbed through their moving, twisting stems, occasionally losing her footing and having to grasp hold of some.

"Again, I ask; WHY ARE YOU BRINGING ME ALONG WITH YOU?!" Jaken shrieked, clinging to her back and looking around fretfully.

"You know the answer to that. Tell me what you know about Sesshoumaru's situation and I'll let you go," Kagome hummed, shielding her eyes and looking up at sprawling branches above where sunlight streamed through. Maybe she could punt him over the treetops.

"I have sworn not to break my vow of silence on the matter!"

Grinding her teeth, Kagome stopped and reached over her shoulder, tearing him from her back to frown at him. "If your silence ends up hurting him, is it even worth it? Which means more to you; Sesshoumaru's trust or his life?"

Jaken clamped up, thinking about this for a moment. His eyes abruptly filled with tears, "fine! But you had best save me from his wrath once this is over."

Kagome grinned and patted him on the head, continuing to walk. "I promise."

He huffed, "Lord Sesshoumaru is suffering from a curse."

Blue eyes widened, and Kagome set Jaken over her shoulder like she would Shippo. He did not appreciate the gesture as the kit would while she minded swirling vines aside from their path and ducked through. "What kind of curse?"

"How much do you know about youkai mates, foolish mortal?"

At that, she tilted her head, noticing a blue flowering bud among the vines and gently touching it in passing. "Very little. I know they're like married couples. They, uh... make love and bite each other instead of having a wedding ceremony and stuff. That about sum it up?"

"Insolent girl!" Jaken griped, noticing the bud she touched opening up into a flower behind them. "It is far more than that! Their energies synchronise, aura's linking. However, it's quite imperative they both bite one another."

"Or else the mating is incomplete? What's so bad about that?"

"The partner that was bitten will consider them mated and suffer a one-sided attachment. This isn't so terrible if they have the bite mark healed and lose their troublesome feelings towards their mate," he continued with a self-important air. Kagome didn't mind it if it meant getting answers. "But... if they choose to linger in longing and are prevented from completing the mating, then their energies become distorted! Their youki takes on a life of its own as flowers."

"That's what these vines are," Kagome mused. She shifted, a strange, unsettled feeling churning in her gut. "You're implying someone bit Sesshoumaru? He'd never allow someone to do that if he didn't want it- let alone not reciprocate. Besides, if he could remove it, he'd have surely done so."

"I agree this situation is unprecedented! Unthinkable! Besides that, ANY partner resisting Lord Sesshoumaru's advances is unworthy of being his mate! AH-!"

Kagome jolted, feeling a weight lift from her back. Glancing over her shoulder, she gaped and strained to reach Jaken. Vines had wrapped tight around his mid-section, lifting him away.

"Hang on!" she shimmied her bow off her arm, quickly taking aim. Releasing the arrow, she watched as it hit the mark, sailing through a vine and breaking it in two. Jaken yelped, falling, only to be caught by another vine that continued dragging him back the way they'd come.

"J-just leave me!" he wailed. "Go save Lord Sesshoumaru!"

Kagome blinked, strangely touched. Nodding with conviction, she turned and hurriedly continued to make her way through the dense foliage.

---

Her breath caught the second she caught sight of the flowers.

Forget-me-nots littered the area, becoming more frequent the further in she ventured. Soon she practically waded through a sea of blue petals. They hugged trees, peppering logs, the ground beneath her feet, even climbing above to hang from branches. The vast mass of familiar flowers eventually opened out into a huge clearing packed full of them.

And there, at the centre of it all, Kagome finally saw him.

Vines had burst his chest open, putting quivering lungs on full display. To her horror, she witnessed them expanding and deflating with each struggling, wheezing breath. His ribcage had been repurposed for a vase of flowers. Vibrant blue forget-me-nots poked out between his ribs, green stems tightly wrapped around his bones, constricting.

Sesshoumaru's body lay tilted back, face turned upwards to the sky. Glassy eyes were vacant, blood caking his chin. His armour and hankimono lay shattered and torn on the ground. Around him, the stems that had spilt forth from his gut propped up his lifeless form, clearly part of the mass of greenery that had hindered her approach. Kagome covered her mouth, hand shaking. Tears pricked her eyes. Blue veins visibly spread over his flesh, causing her to wonder if the stems had buried beneath his very skin.

This was not Sesshoumaru. It couldn't be.

Choking on nothing, Kagome hurried closer with a thin noise. Reaching his motionless form, her hands hovered uselessly over his decimated chest. She didn't know where to start. How could she even help him?

"Who did this to you?" her voice wobbled. Stinging eyes misted over, running over his body. He looked like a corpse that had been picked clean by crows. His moving lungs moving were the only indication he was even alive.

"Sesshoumaru- I don't know if you can hear me," Kagome tried, reaching out and touching his cheek. It shocked her skin, icy to the touch. "But please- let go of the person who caused this," she said, locating what she assumed was the mating mark upon his shoulder. "No one is worth dying over. You could start over with your mate. Ask them out- anything!" she shuddered, looking at the flowers poking out from his ribs.

"Just don't die! This isn't like you!" Kagome snapped, tears rolling hotly down her cheeks to slide free from her chin. "Fight this! Keep living. T-there's still so much I want to talk to you about."

The tears landed upon pretty blue petals.

Leaning against him slightly, Kagome sobbed. She wondered if she could just reach out and rip the awful things free from inside his chest.

Why Forget-me-nots, anyway? Why not another flower-

The mating mark halted her hand, fingers brushing the stems. It didn't look like an animal bite, nor did it belong to a demon.

Kagome's eyes slowly widened. She had a distinct tooth at the back of her mouth.

The tooth marks looked like a perfect mould of her teeth.

"Was it...me?" she breathed, glancing up at Sesshoumaru's features dazedly. "Those blank spots in my memory. Was I... with you?"

The puzzle pieces slotted into place perfectly. Kagome stared, feeling like a fool for having not noticed. She'd just thought, assumed- he would never look at her like that.

But if the miko cast her memory back and pictured Sesshoumaru's lovely features, his honeyed gaze resting upon her face, half-lidded, lips quirked, face soft and drinking her in- maybe he had been looking at her 'like that' the whole time.

Kagome shook her head, feeling frantic. She latched onto his shoulders.

"I-I'm so sorry. I'm sorry! I never meant for this to happen. Why didn't you bite me? Why didn't you TELL me, you stupid demon!" she snapped, cheeks reddening as a fresh wave of tears stung her eyes. "All that time we spent together goofing off and talking- and you were suffering in silence? You're so stupid, Sesshoumaru!"

His anguished face did not stir. Kagome mindlessly wiped away the dried blood from his chin with shaky fingers.

"There's no taking this back now," she said quietly, glancing at the bite mark. "So... I guess there's only one thing for it."

It sounded terrible, but Shinto was far from her mind as she lay a hand over her mating mark and began concentrating. When resolving to save someone, Kagome became bullheaded. Sesshoumaru was all she could see as her aura rose out from her body, seeping into his bloodstream via the bite marks.

"You need to wake up," she mumbled, using her free hand to adjust the parting of her white kosode. Sliding it off one shoulder to bare her flesh, Kagome remained heedless of the vines growing and curling around them. They seeped into her ebony hair, twining into the long locks like a lover's hands.

Kagome straddled the Daiyoukai, shuddering a little at being so close to his bare bones. She couldn't have sex with him, obviously, but she suspected it wasn't truly needed to complete the bond. Feeding her energy into his body, she bit her bottom lip. Sweat beaded on her brow.

She began to mumble and pray under her breath.

When her spiritual energy had spread through most his system, Kagome grit her teeth and hoped he'd forgive her. Laying one hand atop his rib-cage directly over his heart, she raised her voice.

"Wake up!"

A pulse of reiki shot out through her palm.

Sesshoumaru jerked beneath her. A ghastly, chocking noise escaped him. His head lolled to the side as he looked at her unseeingly, a trickle of blood welling from the corner of his pale mouth. Kagome quickly wrapped an arm around him, guiding his head to her shoulder.

"Bite down, Sesshoumaru," Kagome whispered fiercely into his ear.

Sharp canines brushed her skin, causing a shiver. Wet flecks of blood accompanied it as he coughed. Whimpering with desperation, the miko curled trembling fingers into silver hair. She pressed a kiss against his cheek.

"Please- I want this." She'd do anything to save him. Besides that, a small, buried part of her felt strangely at peace with the action and its meaning. "Bite down!"

A blood-curdling snarl vibrated out from his open chest. Fangs sank deep into her shoulder. At once, dark, dominating youki burst through her system like a shot of adrenaline. Kagome gasped, back arching. It turned her heart into a burning star. Sesshoumaru's presence filled her until she practically burst at the seams. She distantly understood why youkai had sex before biting each other, reeling from it. The orgasm probably softened the intensity. Completion was something the mind could fathom, a release, the pooling of cum inside her.

This felt overwhelming. He was everywhere. His energy burned and licked, igniting and soothing her body like burning whisky.

Kagome felt the pinpricks of fresh tears in her eyes, overcome with a hurricane of emotions she couldn't quite name. She could feel his weakness. His exhaustion. The part of him tethered to her became a lifeline between them, feeding him the energy he'd lost.

Sesshoumaru's mouth peeled back from her flesh. He panted, sinking back. Kagome caught him about the shoulders, cradling him close.

A wave of tiredness sent her sinking down against him, lashes falling shut as dizziness spun her vision.

The last thing she saw before surrendering to the lure of unconsciousness was a canopy of Forget-me-nots surrounding their weary bodies.

----

Drowsy lids slowly cracked open- wincing at the setting sun's harsh orange light peeking out from between the trees. Golden eyes averted and Sesshoumaru stirred with a dusty rumble.

Something heavy lay over his bare chest. He lifted his head.

Kagome rested against his shoulder, dark hair spilling everywhere. Sesshoumaru stared, feeling he must be dreaming. They were laying within a clearing together, which looked clear, quiet and picturesque.

Squinting, he sat up, adjusting the woman against him. Kagome sank against his side, revealing a gaping hole in his flesh, exposing his rib-cage.

Ah, that's right.

The flowers. The vines spilling forth from his chest as blood asphyxiated him, making breathing impossible.

And Kagome...

The miko had come for him. Saved him.

Sesshoumaru ghosted stiff fingers over his mouth, dragging clawed nails down to the fresh bite mark branding his shoulder. He then shifted Kagome, running an aristocratic nose to similar marks adorning her shoulder- a tongue sliding out to drag over bloodied flesh. She tasted wonderful.

Kagome groaned and wrapped her arms around him tighter, burying her face in the juncture between his neck and shoulder.

Closing his eyes, Sesshoumaru held her close and revelled in the sensation. However, he soon picked up on the far off shimmer of his barrier enclosing them within their mini safe space. He could sense Inuyasha waiting outside, along with Jaken.

Deciding to lower it, Sesshoumaru rested his lips against the crown of Kagome's head before drawing himself up to stand unsteadily, lifting her into his arms.

When Inuyasha burst into the clearing, leaves scattering and clinging to his thick white hair, he brandished Tetsusaiga, only to lower it with a raised brow.

Sesshoumaru stood clad in his hakama pants, arching a regal brow in return. He approached the hanyou and passed Kagome over wordlessly, ignoring his noise of surprise at the sight of his ribcage.

"It is healing," the demon dismissed.

"Uh, alright," Inuyasha grunted, supporting Kagome. "Should I even ask what the hell happened?"

Sesshoumaru ignored him in favour of looking at the miko. His shoulder ached, and when he drew back his heel with the intention to leave- a fresh wave of discomfort elicited a wince.

Kagome stirred, blue eyes blinking open. She then drew a hand out towards him, "where are you going?"

"This one is..." he trailed off. "I must..."

"No, you don't," she murmured. Patting Inuyasha's shoulder to prompt him to set her down, Kagome flashed her friend a smile. "Thanks for coming for me, but I need to stay with this impossible guy to make sure he heals alright."

Inuyasha eyed the bite mark on her shoulder, nostrils flaring. "You sure?"

Kagome nodded firmly.

"What do ya want me to tell Shinto if he asks where ya are?"

Guilt passed over her face, and blue eyes flicked away, before finding him again. "Just say I'm visiting another village. I need to tell him the truth myself."

Relenting, Inuyasha stepped away, shooting Sesshoumaru a warning look before reluctantly leaving them be again, feeling like the wind had been thoroughly knocked out of his sails.

The Daiyoukai watched her, stunned.

"It's crazy you're even up and walking around in your condition," Kagome rubbed at her forehead, reaching out and seizing frozen fingers. "Come on, let's find a cave to take shelter in for the night."

----

The demon lord stopped and slid unrelenting attention down to her once they reached the mouth of a cave. "What made you choose this place?"

"I dunno, it wasn't far away and it felt familiar," Kagome hummed, meeting his gaze. "Have we... used it before? In the past?"

Golden eyes cracked wider. "You remember?" he asked in a quiet, brittle tone.

She shook her head, "not at all. I just figured it out. Would've been nice if you'd told me," releasing his hand, she wandered inside, finding a bed of furs awaiting them further in, cracks of sunlight streaming in through holes in the rock ceiling. Her cheeks reddened a little, imagination running wild.

"You really scared me back there," she murmured, back turned to him. "I thought you were going to die."

"That is why you completed the mating," Sesshoumaru uttered. To save him, and for no other reason.

A part of him had hoped she'd remembered, but another had immediately recognised the sacrifice she'd made. Kagome was a selfless individual in the face of danger. If Inuyasha were dying, or any of her other friends, he wondered if she'd mate them if it meant saving their lives.

With a benevolence he did not truly feel, Sesshoumaru forced himself to prioritise her comfort. "If this is not something you wish for- there are ways of severing the bond."

"Stop," she grit out, whirling to face him. Flinty blue eyes took his breath away. "Stop lying all the time. I remember valuing your company and opinion because you were always so blunt with me. You never held back your opinions."

"I am not lying, there is a way to sever it."

"But that's not what you want! Damn it- you nearly died because you couldn't open your mouth! Just be honest for once and tell me how you're feeling, Sesshoumaru. What do YOU want?"

Energy lashed at the air, kicking up a breeze that caused dark hair to fly back. Hands closed over the back of her neck, cradling her skull. Lips were shoved against hers, smothering startled breath.

"You," Sesshoumaru breathed in a brief parting, kissing her fiercely again. His mouth slanted ardently over hers, the hint of a fang brushing her lips. "Is it not obvious I cannot abide anything but having you? Foolish woman, it is for your sake I held back. Once you submit, there is no escaping me."

Kagome gaped, unable to keep up with the sheer amount of heated kisses. Her hands settled over his arms, heat igniting her cheeks. She'd never received a kiss like it before and tentatively returned it. A small gasp and accompanying noise from him only confirmed to her how much he wanted it. She could feel the tension in his frame. He was holding back even now.

When he pulled away, she panted, thumb dragging over magenta cheek stripes. "Didn't that feel so much better than burying everything?" she teased weakly. "Even if I'd rejected you, surely that would've been better than regret- than nearly dying."

Sesshoumaru's gaze slid away. He then released a long sigh, clawed hands curling in her hair. "You seemed happy with the mercenary."

"Ex-mercenary," she corrected out of habit, leaning into his touch. "And I was. I like him. But..." Kagome looked at him. Really looked, and somehow it clicked that his face was the only one she wanted to wake up to in the mornings to follow. When had things gotten to that point? Had she wanted this while lazing on the riverbank with him so long ago? Things would've been so much more simple if she'd identified it sooner. If he'd said something.

How foolish they both were.

Stepping closer, she blushed and tilting her head back in order to ghost her lips over a firm jaw. "I like you more."

Power sparked her insides at the ensuing shudder he gave. "Mating entails more than 'liking' one another, miko. Can you deal with my extended company? Being mine?"

Kagome pretended to consider this. "For how long?"

His lips quirked. "Centuries. Possibly thousands of years."

"That's a long time," her eyes danced. "I guess I'm okay with that if you work on your communication skills."

He inclined his head gravely, dipping his nose into her hair and inhaling a lungful. It felt so good to have clear airways again.

"Sesshoumaru, there is something I want to ask you about; Why didn't you bite me? And what happened during that night I lost my memories?"

"I intended to, miko," he said with dark promise. Displeasure curled his lip. "You managed to bite me during climax. I do not think you understood the ramifications of it at the time. I would have reciprocated nonetheless. Unfortunately, my senses- brilliant as they are- sensed a disturbance in the forest. A herd of boar youkai were bolting towards your precious village."

He could scowl all he wanted about it, but Kagome knew of his attachment to Rin. No doubt they'd both wasted no further time in lovemaking and quickly made for the village.

"We fought them, tried to redirect them. You asked me to save a boy that had fallen during the village's impromptu evacuation. Naturally, I did so- but it meant leaving you alone."

Kagome winced. Her hand found the back of her head, remembering waking to a sizable bump and stitches. "They got me, huh?"

"One struck you down," Sesshoumaru uttered with a weary tone. "I did not know where you were, as we had become separated in the chaos. When I eventually found you... the mercenary was nursing your wounds."

"I remember," she said gently. A stab of sympathy clenched her heart. Stroking a hand down his bicep, she sighed. "That must've been awful, to lose me so soon after almost completing the mating. I didn't realise, didn't recall our relationship. I greeted you so casually and didn't get why you were lingering around in his hut."

"The fault is not yours," Sesshoumaru rested large hands possessively on her hips.

Kagome glanced at him, squinting. "Neither is it yours," she pressed her fingers to his lips when he opened his mouth. "Nope! Not yours. I wouldn't have wanted you to prioritise guarding me that night. If you had, that boy you saved might've lost his life. Besides, I can usually take care of myself. They caught me on a bad day."

The two fell into silence. Sesshoumaru closed his eyes, resting thin lips against the crown of her head while Kagome leaned carefully against him.

"I find it weird that we've had a whole conversation while you have a massive hole in your chest. At least I can't see your whole ribcage like before. Seems like the skin and muscle are repairing," she mumbled.

"It will heal quickly," he dismissed, palms gliding over her back.

Kagome made a soft noise, basking in his warmth. "It's also weird that this feels so natural to me," she lifted her head, catching his eye. "I might not remember us. Ever. So just... promise me you won't search for my past self in me. I've been through that before."

He swept her down into the furs, covering her form with his own. "Hn, we will live in the present."

Heat flushed her cheeks as she sank into the soft, comforting furs. Her heart fluttered, stomach jumping. "Thank you."

A silver curtain of hair blocked out their surroundings as Kagome pulled him closer, both mindful of his injury. She smiled, searching his gaze and slowly delivering a sweet kiss to his lips.

Sesshoumaru let out a long sigh of relief, their foreheads meeting.

"Hey, on the bright side..." Kagome gave him a cheeky grin. "I get to experience my 'first time' with you again."

Astonishment painted his features. A simmering, darkly satisfied look soon replaced it, transforming his face into something more raw and honest. Kagome accepted his anticipation, his hunger, not dissuading him from it. She endeavoured to encourage even more displays of emotion from him.

"You don't need to hold back," she murmured, accepting his searing kiss. "Tell me everything you've wanted to say to me since losing my memory. I don't mind."

Their energies twined once more, and the miko hooked her leg over his hip to anchor him against her without any seductive intentions. She merely wanted him close, and Sesshoumaru did not argue, burying closer to her the second he healed. Skin met skin, noses brushing.

In the hush that followed, Sesshoumaru took his lips to her ear and began talking.

End

[sanstropfremir]

ok alright alright alright kingdom episode two

kinda disappointed that they only showed half the stages, but that's just an editing thing to draw out the content so you can air for longer, i'm not super surprised about that. i would have liked to evaluate them all at the same time, but at least this gives me time to go more in depth for all of them since they're full stages this time and I wrote 3000 words for last episode when they only had 100 secs. so this format will probably keep me sane for longer, i think. 

solid stages all round for them, none had especially glaring flaws on the whole. i'm not gonna do a full ranking for this episode since we haven't seen them all, but i will say that btob’s was my favourite from this set and both ikon’s and tbz’s stages were about equal; they both had things i liked and disliked in equal measure so i'm tentatively giving them the same ranking. full opinions and analysis on each stage below the cut, plus another section of general notes because hey what the fuck did you do to that stage mnet???

and for anyone that’s wondering yes i do have the qualifications. also seriously grab a drink or something because this is LONG.

some general notes

and here i thought this section wouldn't be as big as it was last time because mnet was going to get their shit together about the stage design, but noooooooooooo they had to go and make it worse! thanks mnet i hate it! remember how i said you shot yourself in the foot last time? well ya fuckin kneecapped yourself AND all your idols with this one ya dumb fuckin idiots. alright folks welcome back to stage design 101, my recurring segment where i explain the different types of stage layouts and their effectiveness for kpop idol survival shows, i guess.

ok so last week i covered the basics on theatre in the round and traverse staging, which i’ll link here if there’s anyone new or just wants a refresher. i mentioned that its likely that mnet will switch to an in the round style staging because it offers a lot more freedom for camera movement and also for directional blocking. well, i was wrong. so i'm gonna give you a quick rundown of prosceniums. a proscenium, proscenium arch, or just prosc, is an architectural feature that sits around the front ‘opening’ of the stage that delineates the stage from the audience. if you've ever been in or seen any pictures of old european style theatres it can be quite ornately decorated with scrolling, but it's almost always there in most western theatres. it basically provides your ‘wings,’ which are where you exit off into to get offstage, they provide cover from the audience sitelines. pretty much any theatre where the audience is directly opposing the stage across the 180 degree line is a proscenium stage, even if it doesn't physically have the arch. hell, movie theatres are prosc stages. now, there's a secondary architectural feature/device called a false proscenium, where you set a second, smaller archway inside the first prosc, usually done for a specific effect. think of it like a literal framing device; it's often used to visually signify that ‘this is a play, we are telling a story, please be aware that this is a play thank you.’ but sometimes, it can be a semi-permanent structure that’s set in place to narrow the prosc opening. we had this at my university, there was a false prosc set just inside the actual prosc because the stage had a hilariously big prosc opening for a university that never had casts larger than 24 people. so they set false prosc in to make the stage slightly narrower and to widen the wings, because it doesn't matter what size theatre you're in, you always need more wingspace. makes sense? ok, now here’s a very quick drawing of what i'm pretty sure the kingdom stage looks like:

before you get lost: stage directions are oriented to a person standing on the stage, hence SL and SR being reversed. a quick tip for remembering which way is upstage and which is downstage: if you go too far downstage you fall down (most stages are raised between 2-4’ from the floor, so if you step off the end you will actually fall.) the arrows on here signify the entrances i observed during the performances, which is not necessary in this explanation but i just thought it was interesting to note. still not entirely sure what the surrounding architecture is but it appears that the stage is a raised platform inside a room, and not actually built as part of the building. the ‘house’ is just a technical term for where the audience is, and in this case it's where it looks like most of the film crew and the producers/staff are. there’s pretty clearly a platform upstage centre, and i think there may be some others but i don't care about those right now. what i want to talk about is this dumbass false prosc they set IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE. now i suspect that they did this to solve some problems that they could have had that i don't know about, since i don't know who the stage designer was and what the actual limitations of the space are. but basically they've built two stages and stacked them on top of each other to create one very deep stage, and then separated it off with a false prosc in order to control the size of the space a little better, and possibly to add some visual interest. this stage is functional for its purpose, absolutely, and i think, if mnet actually gave a shit about point of view and camerawork, it could produce some really interesting performances. however, because this stage is so deep, it kind of has the same properties as the traverse stage from before, but just with some big led screens in the middle for reasons. you extra have to pay attention to the directionality because you have all the staff and cameras concentrated in one specific cardinal point, so you have to get creative if you want to crossover between the two sides frequently. again, this is not necessarily bad; restrictions often produce some of the most creative decisions.  but! we have not seen a lot of consideration for camera and sightlines and audience pov, hence why i think this setup is dumb: it’s not facilitating the best performances it could.

ok now to the actual performances

btob

this is my favourite of the group because it's very clean lined and utilizes a few simple devices to pretty good effect. i realize these reviews are making me sound like i only like simple performances but i promise this is not at all true i'm just very critical and very picky. let’s start with the costumes, because why not. 

costumes

i like these very much, i love modernized traditional clothing in all forms, and these are very well tailored and well coordinated. they do the bulk of the work establishing the theme for the performance, along with the costumes on the backup dancers. personally i would have liked them to be a bit more colourful, à la the teal detailing that was on minhyuk’s final look. i'm getting a bit tired of the whole trend of having groups only wear all dark or all white, or maybe sometimes red if they're feeling spicy. obviously uniform colour is the easiest way to tie a group together visually, but on a show like this i think the groups would actually benefit more from looking distinct from each other internally rather than establishing the group as whole.

i liked that minhyuk had a costume change but i didn't really care for how it was how it was broken down. this is a very personal quibble because i literally have spent years prepping quickchanges but the method it broke down wasn’t the most visually compatible with the garment and felt kinda clunky. please ignore this anecdote it's just me being picky.

set

i loved the forest! a very excellent way to divide the stage area and obscure the weird stage lines/architecture that mnet has made. plus the snow, flowers, and fog? makes a really sharp and immediately indicative atmosphere, a very good use of visual shorthand to establish place.

i didnt love the screens, they reminded me a bit too much of rolling whiteboards from grade school, but they are thematically relevant. also, i feel like we didnt actually get to see about half the choreo for them? fuckin mnet and idiocy again. fun use of rear projection with the dancers’ shadows, and also good use of them to direct traffic, if you will. 

personally i think that the sheet gimmick from tbz’s performance would have been a better fit here instead of the screens, especially since the fabric motif was already established at the very beginning of the performance. plus you can do some really fun shadow work with a stretch fabric screen. 

personally i think there could have been a little bit more integration between the forest area and the screen area, or they could have done the whole thing in the forest space, but that would require a bit more consideration of camera and choreo maneuverability

sound

really liked this arrangement, obviously the song is iconic but they added a more traditional instrument sound. has good structure for the loose narrative that they had and they were well to label this as ‘theatre’ version because this did follow very closely to a traditional musical theatre sound and style

lighting

no complaints. the overall theme for this episode is apparently blue and red? again with them i like their dedication to a limited colour palette and i especially like the blossoms at the climax

staging

there was pretty clear camera choreo and a minimum of nausea inducing moves. i think some of the effectiveness of the staging got chopped by the editing but that’s not really btob’s fault.

i was just saying i wanted them to give minhyuk some time to shine, i was not expecting to get it so soon! this is a very smart choreo that proves you can be interesting without doing a lot of tricking. minhyuk obviously did a lot of practice and work with that sword, his movements are very fluid and he knows how to handle it. and it looks like its either a blunted proper blade or a correctly weighted replica. a lot of the times when sword choreo looks fake it's because the person either hasn't had enough practice or the weapon is not weighted/weighted incorrectly. only complaints are that you would never hold your fingers/palm that close and un-anchored over the edge of the blade, which is just a safety thing. also you would never scrape your blade on the ground like that, nor toss the thing like dead fish but that's a respect thing with a live blade and this is clearly done for dramatic effect so i’ll forgive it. please ignore this anecdote also it’s just my third dan getting uppity.

ikon

costume/set

smart thematically to go with the sort of miscellaneous 30s-40s (western) aesthetic because it's the fastest way to make it look like you built a theme with mnet’s weird pseudo art deco nonsense they've inexplicably got going on in the set dec. however, they should have stuck the theme all the way through, it would have been more visually cohesive and more interesting. we expect more hiphop/electronic sounding songs to come with these kinds of 4th gen costumes, it would have been anachronistic in a fun way to have them do that second half in 40s style suits. here’s a performance from sdc3 that uses that kind of anachronistic play (this was a combo stage with two ballroom dancers and it has a 20s aesthetic but close enough.) also here’s another routine from sdc3 that does a similar effect on a much more abstract scale, and also it’s a fucking incredible performance and it got slept on by the captains. also yes i know these are incredibly experienced career dancers but they way they construct narrative within their routines and their stage presence is SO GOOD. 

do not speak to me about the backup dancers costumes, holy shit i hate them. i hate them so much. how do you manage to hit too shapeless AND too fitted in the same fell swoop? i'm so mad at these. i'm neutral on bodycon dresses on the best of days but these were absolutely the wrong choice for this stage. generally kpop has abysmal costuming for female backup dancers on the whole but this is just like.....especially lazy. the point of the costume are to help give an indication of where and when you set your performance. they started off with a vaguely 40s theme and then jumped abruptly modern. why? also skirts like that are the literal worst choice for dancing in, hello?? the men’s looks are just sloppy, when you have a garment that big you want it to serve a purpose within the choreo, whereas with this it's just hiding the dancers’ movements.

as for ikon themselves, see everything ive said about black on black on black styling in the previous two reviews. 

the actual set is minimal and that's tragic. i mentioned mnet’s weird art deco theme and it was smart of them to try and play off that with a lack of stuff. definitely a mismatch of stuff pulled from yg’s prop storage, but they made it work as well as they could. no other meaningful comments i’m just kinda sad about it.

sound

the arrangement is fine, no complaints from me. they keyed up the old hollywood style musical theatre sound in the beginning which i really liked. i didn't mind the song/tone switch, i think they pulled it off.

staging

same as btob they learned more towards a theatrical style, which is smart for this particular format of show. i think this was the smartest staging of these three, and also i think the only ones to not get the crew in shot.

despite seemingly leaning into a more old hollywood style the narrative was a bit too loose for my taste. i'm not sure what i would have done to make it clearer at this moment since they had so little to work with, but i did get by on my previous knowledge of the songs. that shouldn’t be the only indication of narrative though! all elements need to support it!!

also like btob they had a pretty intentional point of direction and there weren't a crazy amount of spins. they also used the camera cuts the most effectively that i've seen so far. the first half is actually all in one take!!! incredible!!! thank you!!!! this is how you do it!!

the lighter flick gimmick was well pulled off and a good example of how to use a couple of simple tricks to good effect.

ikon as a whole has really great stage chemistry with each other, and they're extremely cohesive performers. this is a really strong physical performance from them, the dance was very solid and clean. good use of levels without verging into acrobatics. this might be the best group choreo i've seen so far, but we’re not very far so that's not a very high bar to clear.

it's a shame they had the budget of 1 banana.

tbz

i liked this stage better than their intro stage, but i still think they have a long way to go and they're still over ambitious. personally i find stages based on specific pop culture properties to be kind of twee and ineffectual, because it requires a specific knowledge of that pop culture property to work. sometimes the specificity can help with a narrative but you're at risk of alienating a larger portion of your audience out of sheer non-knowledge than anything else. 

costumes

again, interesting garments physically, but not much clarity of relation to the theme other than the colour. also the backup dancers???? another case of backup dancers being from an entirely different stage, what is up with those coats/dresses? looked more like they belonged in either sweeney todd or a vampire movie. 

hands in front of the camera again, but these were used much more effectively.  i'm not the biggest fan of mixing metals and i’m partial to silver on the whole so i didn't love the jewelry, but at least it was vague and stereotypical enough to denote ‘fire magic’ even if it does rely on a derivative middle eastern shorthand.

set

the stage set itself is fine, although definitely feels a bit haphazard to me. doric columns and frozen rocks and whatever that cover for the pyrotechnics was at the front, combined with the candles and the chaise lounge? like ikon, it felt a bit like they were pulling out of the props/set storage. not that all these things do not work together, it's just that you need a thread to tie them together, and this didn't have that for me.

sound

it's a crime they have a song called ‘no air’ and its not a jordin sparks cover. just saying.

i didnt really like this arrangement, again like their intro stage it didn't have a strong structure that suited the narrative, because they were pretty clearly trying a narrative on this one. also were most of the adlibs playback? they were singing live but there were so few shots of anyone specific singing. 

lighting

probably the weakest of the three. the projection design was a bit too tacky for me, and although i appreciated the small amount of variety in colour, it felt way too concert-lighting for me.

staging

the editing on this stage is wack and did no one any good. the hands leading/pov was a really smart device and they should have stuck out the one takes like ikon did, it would have made the whole stage feel a bit more cohesive. a lot better directional camerawork from them this time around, well done. again with the hands in front of the camera gimmick which i actually preferred this time, since they were a part of the narrative. the stretch/silhouette fabric i think they pulled off quite well, even if it didn't really fit thematically with the piece. i actually worked on a show a very long time ago that used this exact same effect with dancers and also rear shadow projection, and it requires a lot of rehearsal and trust to pull off well, so props to them. i think it was the wrong choice because there isn't an established motif for the fabric, so it kind of appears out of nowhere for one specific visual moment and then disappears, and i think that time could have been better served for something else narratively relevant.

again, these 4th gen groups are overly focussed on gimmicks as a way to make up for the lack of experience. personally i think this will be detrimental in the long run, and a reliance on gimmicks means that you don't trust your performers. tbz have the manpower to be doing some pretty cool collective dance work and i dont think its being trained or utilized correctly. they are suffering from a lack of cohesive stage presence right now and that can be fixed with training and time.

this might be because the group sizes are so different between these three but this choreo is very directionless. mnet is also providing to be absolute garbage at editing and i feel like i can't see the choreo at all.

this is a thing i've noticed with kpop camerawork in general, there’s very little regard for actually viewing the choreo as a singular work. and for some reason the camera always needs to be moving???? people do actually want to see what’s happening on the stage. the choreographer can only see from one spot, so from that spot is how they are intending it to look. you wouldn't need to upload full cams of every music stage if you just filmed the choreo properly in the first place. if you watch the two sdc3 clips i linked you can see a clear difference in maintaining the integrity of the choreo, even though both shows use several cameras and a lot of cuts.  obviously for kpop you want the money shots of idols’ faces but i definitely think there’s a healthier middle ground than what we have now.

ill wait for full subs but i want to know where in the fuck in sk you can rent a tank thas clearly been custom made for underwater photography, because that’s extremely cool even if it was absolutely unnecessary to the actual stage itself. i can think of several ways off the top of my head that would have achieved that same freezing effect without any of that wasted time and effort.

mnet decided to drop full cams while i was writing this and despite watching those my opinions are the same.

in conclusion, some more general thoughts:

i think ikon and btob got it right by leaning more into the theatrical than the cinematic, if that makes sense. i might be talking up my own ass here but these are theatre performances, and they should be treated as such. trying to do things that you can do on film isn't going to do you any favours in the long run, and it makes it harder to make a cohesive performance. i’m harping a lot about narrative but it is so important to performance. although it is not technically necessary, when doing big theatrical performance stages like this it does help with clarity of intent and general success. humans have brains structured around storytelling, it is literally the way our history has been passed down for tens of thousands of years. the atlantic published an article recently on narrative and memory, and it's a really excellent read for maybe after you've taken a break from this behemoth, oh dear god. 

tldr: the stages were good but disappointing in their own ways. mnet continues to sabotage via weird stage design decisions and bad editing. see you next week! (or in my ask box if you have questions)

[burnedbyshoto]

Renewed

pairing: todoroki shouto x reader

warning: cursing, character death (you and me)

word count: 2,173

a/n: this is part two to replacement, read and let me know what you think! I would mcfucking love it to scream about your ideas and opinions :D forgot to add, no there is no part 3

Synopsis: When the beautiful hero Creati dies what emerges from the ashes of her end is anything but beautiful.

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

The winds of the outside world spoke softly as they flowed into an empty apartment. Why the window was open, to begin with, was unknown, the world was too cold, too harsh for any window to be open. But if you looked closely, if you concentrate just as much, smoke billowed out of the window and panicked breathing could be heard.

It mattered not to Todoroki Shouto how cold the outside world was because he was always colder. As tears poured from his eyes he couldn’t remember why he was feeling this way. 

Was it because Momo or was it because of you.

It couldn’t be you, that was pathetic of him to believe.

Momo was the love of his life, the reason why he was able to overcome his past. Momo wasn’t pushy and let him overcome his demons at a slow pace, the battles he fought took years when he was with her, and every step of the way she never faltered in her smiling personality. Momo was an angel in both life and in the afterlife. But you? 

You were everything that Momo wasn’t.

Brash and down to the point. You challenged his every move making him think about the decisions he made, making him own up to the things he’s done, correcting his behavior so that it would take weeks to overcome and not years.

There was no goddamn reason for him to be missing you, not more than Momo.

His eyes focused on the white air expelling from his breath and Shouto finally realized that he was cold. His eyebrows came together as chills sank into his bones. Shouto knew what coldness was, he’s given himself frostbite and hypothermia from his quirk before. He knew the cold like it was a friend, but this was a different cold, a cold that he had forgotten about.

It chilled his skin and made it hard for him to breathe, his body trembled as he could only remember your tear-filled eyes, the defiant yet exhausted tint to them that he would always associate with you. This was the cold he recognized as the bitterness he had been familiar with throughout his childhood. The frost of not having you around him, the stabbing horror of loneliness.

He stood to his feet, his head spinning as he stumbled to the window. The metal steaming against his fingers as he closed the window. His eyes closed as he pressed his forehead against the glass and he trembled.

This wasn’t coldness, no Todoroki Shouto didn’t get cold after all. This was a question of who he missed more: Momo or you?

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

“I’m sorry sweetie,” Uraraka mumbled as she gave you a large shirt to wear.

You nodded numbly as you held the soft material to your chest.

You hadn’t been broken up with Shouto for more than twenty-four hours and yet your breakup was being broadcasted through every national TV and tabloid. You really did hate Western influences sometimes, you were a pro hero, not some celebrity who needed her private life exposed.

The air of Uraraka’s apartment was too quiet for your liking, the only noise you could hear was her air diffuser in the other room. Your tongue ran against your chapped lips, your fingers fisting into the shirt as you hated the way she was staring at you.

“If you want to say it, just get it out already,” you snapped as you began stripping out of your wet clothes and into the pajamas she had loaned you. There was no reason to be shy or nervous, this was just another day in the UA locker rooms.

“Say what, y/n?”

“‘I told you so.’” you rushed as you pulled the cotton t-shirt over your head. You frowned as you looked up at your friend, “This relationship with Todoroki… it was a mistake, a dumb idea, and you told me that.”

Uraraka’s eyebrow quirked as a small frown played against her lips, “Was it?”

Heated anger flashed through your body as you glared down at your feet, “Yes, it was.”

“How so?”

Hot and angry tears welled into your eyes as you looked back up at Uraraka who looked curious, her arms now folded as she stared at you. Her brown eyes taunting you almost as if she knew the answer but you were some child who needed to be scolded and to be able to figure out the answer yourself.

“Because I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t healed from Momo’s death yet, and I still… I wanted Todoroki still, like some fucking dumbass middle schooler,” you hiss out, your hands fisting at your chest. “I fucking slept with him on the first date which wasn’t even supposed to be a date! He was hurting and I was too! I let myself go because I wasn’t fucking thinking like a rational person, but this desperate horny little girl who’s crush finally fucking acknowledged her!”

“Y/n--”

“No--!” your hands slam up with your fingers spread-- “And then because we were caught we-- we decided we had to be in a relationship! Not because Todoroki liked me but because that scandal wouldn’t be as fucking catastrophic! I knew that he never fucking liked me but since he never left I thought maybe he did! Then every goddamn critic started accusing me of killing Momo, like-- as if I would ever do that! Todoroki never publicly addressed it, and he would only comfort me in private! How the fuck is this not an I told you so situation?!”

Uraraka stared at you, her eyes wide, scared almost. Of what she was scared of you had no idea but the pit in your stomach told you that it was you.

“Say it,” you hoarse as you look at her, exhaustion running rampant through your body as tears poured down your face. You had no idea why you were crying, was it for her or for you or for Momo.

“She told you to take care of him, and although it was-- it ended disastrously, that doesn’t mean you didn’t do it,” Uraraka stepped towards you, her hands taking your trembling fist in hers. “She was your best friend, and you had to not only manage her death on your own, but she asked you to take care of Shouto-kun who was as far gone as you were. I mean yeah, I didn’t want you ever going on that date or dating him, but it happened. It wasn’t the healthiest in the beginning, but I thought you t-two were finally healing together…”

Your eyes snapped to Uraraka crying face as she rubbed falling tears from her rosy red cheeks, “If anything, g-get mad at me, I was the one who thought you two were going to be happy together.”

“I can’t do that,” you whisper as you hug your crying friend, “but he’ll be happy one day… I’m replaceable after all.”

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

Before you could fully realize it, it was nine months after breaking up with Todoroki.

Taking an entire month off of work you had gone to therapy, working with professionals to make sure you had finally gotten onto a healthy path of healing three years after Momo’s death. The mention of her name no longer hurt you, nor did it make your stomach shrivel up at the thought of her. 

Things, while not perfect, were looking up.

Urakaka, Midoriya, and Iida had gone to retrieve your items from Todoroki’s apartment. 

While replaceable, you realized that you couldn’t replace everything you owned. Somethings were too costly, others had too many memories linked with them and so you didn’t want to see them go. 

The rumors of you killing Momo had finally dissolved as Todoroki finally addressed everything and clips of the horrible day had to -- once again -- be reviewed to shut everyone up once and for all. 

So far you had been able to successfully move on from everything except a confrontation with Todoroki. Despite everything you felt too nervous and shameful to see him again, while you didn’t have any regrets about leaving him that night, you felt childish about it. You didn’t seek him out, and you believed he didn’t look for you. As you can imagine any future class event would forever be awkward. 

But time went on even if you didn’t want it to. 

Your sight was blocked as the brown paper bags obstructed your vision. Grocery shopping was one of the most disastrous things in the world, in your honest opinion. 

You grunted as you tried to balance the many bags in your arms, the keys to your apartment stabbing at the air as you tried to find the lock. 

“Y/n?” A voice called for you and you froze, turning around you saw Todoroki standing there. He was dressed in casual clothes his hair pushed back in the way you liked it to be, it seemed that he had the day off too. 

“Um, hi?” Your cheeks twitch into an uncomfortable smile as you turn back to stab at the air, the need to unlock the door much higher than it had been before. 

“Can we… can we talk?” He asked you and you turned your back to him, the key inserted into the lock and you unlocked it and walked in. 

“Depends on what you want to talk about,” you hum as you look at him.

“Us.”

Your throat tightened as if on instinct. Were you healthy enough to have a conversation with him? Your lips twisted as you stared at him. You were healthy, you were renewed and ready to face the last thing on your list.

“Come on in,” you say completely walking into your apartment and Todoroki was hot on your heels. 

The air was intense, goosebumps and chills rampant through your skin as you made Todoroki a cup of tea as you put things away. 

“I wanted to apologize,” Todoroki began and you passed him the steaming cup of green tea. “For that last day especially.”

“It’s okay,” you smile thinly, there was tension in it as you remembered how heartbroken you were that night. “We’re both still alive.”

“Yeah,” he muttered looking down, “I’m just— I’m sorry for how I behaved that night. I was cruel and cold to you and there was no need for that.”

Your teeth bit into your lower lip as you nodded, “Well, we both are very emotional reacting people…”

A huff of amused air escaped his nose as he brought the steaming cup to his lips, “That we are.”

The two of you fell into silence as you watched Todoroki drink his tea, you always thought him being able to drink all his fluids at the perfect temperature at once was such a blessing. 

“I realized that I was using you from the very beginning,” Todoroki gasped as he placed down the mug. Your eyes trained on him as his eyes looked over you, they were so intense, they were the eyes of a man who’s been through so much despite being less than twenty-five. “You weren’t wrong when you said I thought of you as a replacement for Mo— Yaoyorozu, because i’m the beginning you were. I needed a distraction, someone who was like her without being her—“

“So you used me,” you laugh humorlessly, your hands folded in front of you. “I mean, I can’t be mad, because I used you too.”

Todoroki expelled another puff of air as he nodded, “I know… I don’t feel proud at all, but we both suck at coping—“ you smiled in agreement— “But it’s been three years since she passed, it’s been ten months since we broke up and… it fucking sucks. I don’t understand why I still feel the way I do, and I know I shouldn’t because I don’t deserve to feel this way. I should be able to move on but I can’t!”

A chill ran down your spine as you straightened up, “Todoroki—“

“In the beginning I wished that I could bring her back, that there was something I could do to bring her back—“

“Shouto—“

“But I don’t want her back anymore! Every time I wish there was someone by my side I want it to be you, because I’ve realized—”

“Don’t say something you’ll regret,” you heave. Your heart roars in your ears as the two of you stare at each other. The air is electric, your body trembles, and the renewed you comes crashing down. 

The sweet summer air drafts in as you stumble to your feet as Todoroki stares at you. For once his eyes are cleared and the word’s that pass his lips are the truth, his words are a reality you didn’t know how to comprehend. Your head dropped as tears welled in your eyes once more as you sink to your knees sobbing and he’s quick to surround you, his arms immediately wrapping around you.

“I’m in love with you, y/l/n y/n.”

[whattaloser]

Why I’m a Leftist

I know I’m probably just some dude who reblogs cool stuff to most of my followers but I’ve got a nice long story/rant about my political beliefs here that I’ve been wanting to write for awhile

I am a leftist first and foremost because I value human life. Everyone matters. No person is inherently more important than another person. Everyone has inherent rights that should not be infringed. People who infringe on other’s rights are morally wrong to do so. In essence my leftism is based on doing what is right. Obviously everyone has their own opinion on what is right but what is vitally important is knowing why your moral code is right. This is why so many people become liberals or conservatives or otherwise rather than leftists. They simply do not know enough about how the world works. There are a lot of reasons they don’t know, not the least of which is intentional covering up history and preventing education. I don’t believe people who aren’t leftists are stupid, but I do believe leftists know more. It’s kinda fucked up but it’s the only way you can explain inconsistencies in other’s values.

My path to leftism was full of cringe. When i was 7 years old Al Gore was running against George Bush for president. I did not know enough to have a real opinion on it but I am happy to say that I wanted Al Gore to win. This thought was based on very little if any logical reason. I basically flipped a coin in my head I think. Or maybe there was some outside influence that I wasn’t aware of, like my older sister who I looked up to might have said she liked Al gore. Either way, from then on I was in favor of democrats and did not like George Bush. When 9/11 happened I remembered thinking how dumb it was that people lined up around the block to get gas. Even as a child I knew that some buildings going down wasn’t going to end the great nation of the United States. In general I thought the United States was a great country. I knew from movies and tv as well as elementary school history that the United States was the most powerful country in the world. 

I recall in Sixth grade my teacher mentioned she liked George Bush because he was against gay marriage. Somehow at the time my opinion was the opposite despite being raised Catholic. I believed in god until I graduated high school and suddenly my desire to be religious slipped away and so did my belief. I do not consider this a great loss. 

Sometime in middle school or early high school I had solidified my opinion that the war in Iraq and Afghanistan was pointless and George Bush was a bad president. I was heavily influenced by movies and somewhat by video games that had imparted plenty of anti-war messages. Talks with my dad about nuclear missiles, watching History channel shows about world war 2, and playing Metal Gear Solid which had explicit nuclear disarmament messages, all informed me on the horrors of war. This was not enough to make me totally anti-military. In high school I wanted to join the military because I thought it was an easy way to get life experience and eventually pay for college. I was attracted to the Marines because of how cool movies like The Rock and video games like Call of Duty made it seem to be a Marine. I thought they were the best of the best. I was simultaneously against war, against veteran worship, and very pro-military. I was indoctrinated by years of government propaganda but also disillusioned by all forms of media including the book All Quiet on the Western Front which was about a soldier becoming disillusioned by witnessing horrors of war and the negative impact it had on everyone in his country. I spoke with a recruiter during my senior year and expressed my desire to be a Marine but I told him I wanted to wait a year after high school so I could get physically fit enough. The recruiter did not care that I was underweight and out of shape. He didn’t even care that I was very enthusiastic about joining, he was still putting on his best salesman demeanor which made me incredibly uneasy. The experience is supposed to pressure people into signing up on the spot, I think they even had forms for me to sign (i can’t really remember though) but I was not ready and was aware enough how I was being manipulated although not entirely cognizant. After that I no longer wanted to be in the military.

I also have to point out that I grew up in an unstable household. My parents were both loving but they were flawed and made mistakes and had problems. My dad was a typical Gen x man’s man. A little bit too emotionally repressed, but actually really good with kids when it came to play time and still is. He worked a lot because my mother couldn’t. My mother has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as long as I can remember. Her medical bills related to her problems combined with other financially bad decisions by my parents caused my home life to be fraught. I lived in varying degrees of poverty until my parents separated and me and my siblings moved with my mother to her parents’ house away from my father. Prior to moving though, we endured great financial difficulty. We were unable to afford school lunches but could not apply for free or reduced lunches because technically my father made a lot of money, however it was all garnished for medical bills. My father always tells about how he bought a car that had hidden frame damage and when he attempted to sue the dealership for selling a bad car he lost and was garnished for that as well. Despite making over 25 dollars an hour in 1999, my father could not afford school lunches for three kids and couldn’t afford to pay the gas bill. Without going into too much more detail, life sucked and continued to suck until I graduated, at least financially. I still found plenty of joy and it wasn’t always that bad. We still found ways to have good things like video games and we could always rewatch old movies but there’s a lot of psychic weight that comes with being that poor as a child and I’m sure it affects me and my ability to empathize with others who in bad conditions. 

So i watched a lot of movies and documentaries, read a lot of books growing up, discovered internet forums at the age of 11, played video games, moved to a town that had a very large Hispanic population, and I even grew up poor. All of this life experience turned me into a very average liberal upon graduating high school. I was a very optimistic 18 year old. I thought science could save the world. If I was 18 today I would be an average redditor stereotype probably. The point here though is I still wasn’t a leftist. Only vaguely progressive and full of optimism. This is when I got sucked into the anti-feminist pipeline.

I can’t remember what exactly what I had going on in my life but I remember it was around the time of Gamergate. Everyone on the internet, celebrities, and pop culture were saying “if you believe in equality between genders you’re a feminist” an did not like that. And there was a ton of people online to tell me I was right in not liking that. They all said feminism was not necessary anymore because legally you couldn’t discriminate against women and I agreed. Gamergate made it worse for reasons too complicated to get into in this already long post but suffice it say I was “pro Gamergate.” This put me at odds with my closes friends who thought feminism was great and had no qualms with it, and were already embracing the idea of being a “social justice warrior.” Despite reading all kinds of anti-feminist think pieces and reveling in the discourse, I was still very progressive and liberal minded person. Still thought the military was bad, that black people were discriminated against etc. But so many aspects of anti-feminism were appealing to me as a white guy who tried their hardest to do what they’re told is right, had low self esteem, undiagnosed adhd and depression, and a fundamental misunderstanding of what feminism was. Two things got me out of anti-feminism though. The first and most important thing was having friends who were patient with me about it. I didn’t reveal how into anti-feminism I was because I was ashamed but they could sense it and pushed back when they could. The second thing that got me out of it was actually finding feminists online and reading what they had to say, staying away from poorly written clickbait articles that fueled misogynist tirades against feminism. After reading and learning from feminists it finally clicked. Our society is patriarchal and that affects how people interact with each other regardless of what is legal. Many of the complaints of anti-feminism talk about how men have it in society, so how can society be patriarchal. It’s because of patriarchy that men are put in bad positions. Some of the more self aware anti-feminists had retorts against these ideas but they were emotionally charged. There’s still some anti-feminists I have respect for because of how well prepared and logical they were when it came to disputing feminism. But when it came down to the fundamental tenants of feminsim all they could respond with was anger or outright denial of reality. (If you’re like I was and don’t understand how anyone can thing modern feminism is good please feel free to ask me more, I just can’t get into specifics in this long ass post) Anyways, once you understand patriarchy and how it affects an individuals actions then you can start seeing how other institutions and cultural norms can affect an individual. This is basically fundamentals of leftism. I’d say about 90% of my path to leftism was just naturally absorbing cultural and historical information through consumption of media. The most conservative people I know are people who haven’t read very many books or seen very many movies. I’m not saying watching Austin Powers at the age of 10 will make everyone a leftist but constantly recontextualizing the world by learning something new, even if you learned it from some dumb comedy movie, can give you better grounding in a shared reality.  Don’t know how to end this but I want to say when I was a teenager I thought “communism is good in theory but it doesn’t work in practice” and I had almost no historical basis for it other than the vague notion that USSR = bad despite having consumed a massive amount of media. None of it taught me what communism actually was, I didn’t know who Karl Marx was, and I had no clue why communism in the USSR failed. You can know a lot without knowing the truth so if you’re struggling with a loved one who is mind poisoned by conservative keep in mind that they know a lot but they’re missing something important to give clarity. 

This has been my Ted Talk

[adhd-wifi]

um i hope you don't mind the weird question but what do you think about c/heng/x/ian? i've seen people in the fandom saying it's not actually very bad in chinese context but it still creeps me out but i don't want to be disrespectful to cultural things i don't get so i wanted to ask?

TW: Discourse regarding ChengXian (Wei WuXian x Jiang Cheng), please do NOT interact if you have any issues with this. And I’m sorry to the shippers for putting this in the tag if it shows up there. 

.....So I had a bit of an internal conflict with whether or not I should answer this ask (also I was busy with work), so I apologise for the late response. But to be honest? I genuinely don’t care about the ship but I have absolutely nothing against the ship itself. I prefer Wei WuXian and Jiang Cheng as brothers personally, that’s all. I like platonic relationships over non-platonic, and I like the complexities that comes with these two specially as adoptive brothers. 

I’m assuming that by “Chinese context” you mean the posts about Chinese martial siblings ending up in romantic and/or sexual relationships with each other in history. Unfortunately, I don’t completely understand the context behind the cultural aspect either. I didn’t spend much of my life in China, and when I did I didn’t spend time studying historical culture and such so I don’t know the whole situation with this. I know it exists, but my knowledge of it pretty much only comes from catching small subplots in period dramas my mother sometimes makes me watch with her (I don’t like dramas normally, CQL was the one exception). Since Singaporean culture is often mixed with Western ideals as well as the Chinese and Malay ones, I do personally go with the idea of “adopted siblings are still siblings”, but if you want my opinion on this, I think I’ll have to say it’s very unfair to boil something down to just a single statement, especially when another culture might be involved. Blood-relations are extremely important in Chinese cultures, so it’s very possible that martial siblings back then never really think of each other as “family” even if they feel familial connections to each other. Heck, Wei WuXian himself never truly considered himself a Jiang even though he was essentially a direct family member, Jiang YanLi even making it a point that she saw him as such by calling him her “didi”. For that reason, I personally would be more adverse towards the idea of a ship between Wei WuXian and Jiang YanLi than ChengXian. But even then I’ll just block and move on with my life instead of being hung up on blind hate towards strangers. 

Again, I don’t know the full details and intricacies of the situation debated so I don’t want to make any definite statements, especially since I REALLY don’t like getting involved in discourse, which I’m fairly certain this post would inevitably bring. But I decided to answer this because, frankly, I really do not like how it seems like you sent me this ask to justify your distaste towards a ship you may not fully understand under the guise of being respectful towards my culture, particularly with how you’ve made it a point to say it “creeps you out”. There is nothing wrong with disliking or even being grossed out by a ship but there’s no reason to be looking for moral reasons to squash it down. If you don’t want to be disrespectful, do your own research about the “reasons” you’ve seen within the fandom. Try to understand the meaning and nuances that may be absent from whatever culture you’re from that could’ve led to you not understanding things here instead of looking for validation of sorts. You can ask questions but you need to know how to ask them right and what to ask. You may not like the answers you find and you don’t have to, but even so it’s not your culture to debate. 

If you cannot even do that, please do not speak to me again. 

[doomedandstoned]

Doomed & Stoned in Iran with Roaring Empyrean

~By Billy Goate~

Photo Credit: Shahrokh Dabiri

It's fair to say that much of our view of the world is muddled by a cloud of politics, whether that comes from the strong opinions of family and friends, the news media, or our elected officials. When I heard such casual joking of bombing Iran during the 2008 US presidential elections, I cringed. Now more than 10 years later, the bluster of obstinate world leaders looms large once again, posturing with the weird flex of war. What most people are missing is real perspective on the people of Iran and, I would argue, the music of that country.

Hell, I was woefully uninformed myself, so when I started noticing more and more offerings from the heavy music community out of Tehran, I struck up a friendship with one doomedshinobi on Instagram, mastermind of the one-man band Roaring Empyrean, "a musical project aiming to create atmospheres where feelings in contrast meet, in a combination of funeral doom metal and New Age." Intrigued, I asked doomedshinobi for an interview and we exchanged words over oceans and breached the cultural divide for one of the more fascinating discussions about the joys and trials of being an artist I've encountered since starting Doomed & Stoned.

When I found doom, I was like someone who had reached his destination after a long journey.

What's it like being a heavy musician in Iran? Most of us have no clue about what's acceptable and not in the culture there.

When you are dealing with a radical ideological regime, you can't reason with them. All kinds of art are seen forbidden here, unless they preach Islam or government ideologies. Things get worse when you are dealing with some art that is Western in nature. Metal is, in nature, Western. And even there, it had its problems sometimes from church and common beliefs. Here, it doesn't matter what you make and what you sing. As long as you are metal, you are seen as Satanic!

I remember reading an article in some magazine about Metallica being black metal, just because they have an album called Black. The author claimed, "They are black metal artists and black metal is Satanic, so they are making music to take away our people from God and Path of Light." I remember reading somewhere that even Pink Floyd was labeled Satanic. So things are hard for you if you are an extreme musician, like metal. You are alone in the scene here. Producers and labels mostly refuse to work with you. Stores won't sell your physical releases and stages to perform are hard to get. There have been many cases when a band got a show and then right before the show or even in the middle of performance, it was forced to be canceled. Many musicians even get arrested afterwards.

In Iran, metalheads find interest more in death and black metal, as well as power and symphonic.

Now imagine you are a musician, a metal musician, a darker and extremer type of metal musician. You are mostly alone on your own to make your own studio, produce your music and release it. This leads to many Iranian bands using free social media to share their music and send the word mouth by mouth. Platforms like Bandcamp, Soundcloud, and YouTube are blocked by the regime and someone like myself has to bypass filters in various ways to get access to these platforms. Due to the poor economy and fall of Iran Rial value, getting a full set of proper equipment costs a fortune. Many young musicians leave all they have to pursue musicianship.

The good thing, though, is people. They are welcoming metal and heavier musical styles more and more with each passing day -- especially the younger generation. But as is all over the world, heavy and extreme metal styles have less fans than most other genres. And if you are to be a heavy style musician, you have to accept this. You either want to pursue money and fame or do what you like for its own sake. There you have something like pop and hip-hop, and doom metal is scarce.

Monuments (Remastered) by Roaring Empyrean

What are you thoughts about the band Confess being imprisoned recently?

Confess is just one example known to the rest of the world of a band that has been imprisoned. I didn't know of them until I read that article, but the things that happened to them are not something new or uncommon among artists of all kinds, and it clearly is unfair. This happens in the extreme to artists pursuing foreign styles of art.

There are some charges that each time they face an opposing idea, they declare it upon the person. Like speech against Islam, against supreme leadership, and against national security! And these charges bring high punishments. I don't want to talk politics and stuff, as I am in Iran. I just wish every artist freedom to express their minds and souls, which is hard to come by. Years of prison for some art is what only a stone age ideology can decide is fair!

Song of the Seas (EP) by Roaring Empyrean

How did you first get into the darker, more expressive side of music? For example, what records have been most influential to you? When did you first start playing an instrument?

This is the most interesting question so far. As a child, I remember my father starting the day with some Pink Floyd, continue it with Metallica, sometimes going softer to Eagles or Eloy. This made me to not get into mainstream pop media even at an early age. He also listened to a lot of Kitaro and Enigma back then. And I got some Vangelis compilation from my uncle. Before 10, I was listening to rock and new age more than anything else, but I was always looking for the extremes in my life, in whatever aspect.

And so in music, I started listening to Linkin Park and System of A Down. They were fast, harsher, and wilder. But you know, there is always a loop. What is hotter than red? When you heat something, it turns red, then yellow and white. What's next? It turns blue! A cold color, but it’s even hotter. I liked to have this hotness of blue which is cold! So, instead of speed (red) I turned into slow (blue), which is more extreme.

I don't know if I make any sense at this point or not, but this is the real motivation for me to dig deeper in slower, heavier music. When I found doom, I was like someone who had reached his destination after a long journey. Doom is that hot blue. It is that extreme paradoxical matter to me. However, I didn't enter doom from the traditional door.

Many young musicians leave all they have to pursue musicianship.

In Iran, metalheads find interest more in death and black metal, as well as power and symphonic. It is hard to come by someone who started metal with stoner, sludge or psychedelic rock. Not impossible, but hard. I entered the doom from the gothic, folk, and death subgenres with acts like Empyrium and Saturnus. But now I appreciate every good metal, especially any doom I can find. That ache for extreme, however, made my primary taste to be funeral doom as we talk now.

Many records helped my musical imagination to go diverse. Vangelis' 'Direct' (1988) is amongst the most influential to me. Each track on that record is in a different style and different color. Vangelis has a diverse musical ground and his works have always been an inspiration to me. You can go right from electronic to orchestral and back to a more rockish sound all in one track! "Intergalactic Radio Station" is definitely my favorite track on that record.

On the metal side, I can't imagine anything more influential than Empyrium's LP, 'Songs of Moors and Misty Fields' (1997). The heaviness and agony in the sound, accompanying various folk and symphonic elements which lead to ever rising feel of the music. It's a rising agony. Truly a masterpiece. Many bands are cold and sad. Empyrium's music is warm and sad to me. This makes them unique. A folksy, symphonic, heavy doomy sound.

And it is not good of me to fail to mention Arvo Pärt, the Estonian classical composer. His minimal depressing compositions made me look at music from a whole new perspective. There is always that minimalist sadness in it, but a call is always moving you forth in his works. Then there is one sudden glorious, majestic rise and a tragic fall afterwards in most of his compositions. My more recent neoclassical elements are definitely due to his works.

Cosmic (EP) by Roaring Empyrean

How did you get inspired to start writing your own music?

I've always loved making music. Composing, rather than playing an instrument. And there was this other thing, called synesthesia. It is a kind of rare mental condition in which two or more of the five primary senses find a way to connect, which aren't connected normally. It has many types. I, however, can see the sounds. It makes me see every sound in my mind in terms of a shape, color, movement/direction, surface roughness, and brightness. I have had this condition since I can remember.

I don't see anything meaningful though, just some random shapes. Like the cello has a thick, dark green, rough line shape at lower notes and a bright, shining, thin green light at higher notes. So when I listened to music, there was a world of colors dancing in my mind and it fascinated me so much. I didn't know this was a thing until age 15.

You are alone in the scene here. Stores won't sell your physical releases and stages to perform are hard to get.

Being able to bring my own desired colors in music was something I wanted to do for a long time. I first started playing guitar back in high school, but that didn't give me the diversity I wanted. So I started creating instrumental tracks which were nowhere near metal -- mostly New Age music with synths. As time passed, my love for doom and heavier sounds found a way into my music. I used many instruments to paint my tracks: cello for green, piano for purple and blue, violin for yellow, sitar synths for shining red points, and guitar riffs for orange -- like a massive wall. My love for New Age and doom metal made me think of that paradoxical extreme once again. Why not try combining dark and heavy doom and funeral doom with bright atmospheric new age? This was when Roaring Empyrean came to life back in 2011.

As many New Age acts, I'd like my music to take the listener on a journey in their minds and make them think -- think about themselves and their existence. People today just follow what they are made to follow, and don't ask why. They don't think about why things are the way they are in this modern world. They lack thinking. They just obey and overfill themselves with whatever joys the unwritten rules are giving them.

What instruments, pedals, and amps do you have access to?

As for the gear, I'm afraid I rely so much on synthesizers and samplers -- not that I want to, but the poor economy here prevented me many times from getting the equipment and instruments I want. We don't produce any non-Iranian instruments, so everything is an imported product, and comparing the falling Rial to GBP or the US dollar, for someone like me, it is still impossible. But I have plans to leave Iran. Maybe then I can get the gear I want and make more lively sounds. But I can't keep quiet and not make music 'till then.

The Monarch (EP) by Roaring Empyrean

Have you had the opportunity to perform publicly?

No, never have I performed public. And I have no intention yet, unless I gather the gear I want. However, I've always liked to perform in a symphony once in my life. Maybe one day.

If you could play anywhere in the world, what would be your top scenes and would there any bands you'd love to be on the same bill with?

Interesting question! My doomy, metallic side likes to perform in the doomiest places. I'd like to perform in a sanctuary or a cave, as I have seen in some festivals like Doom Shall Rise, which is sadly is no longer going on. But there are many. Tokyo, London, and the US are generally places I'd like to perform. The other, non-metal side of me would like to perform at the Vienna Musikverein concert hall with a full orchestra and metal set together performing Roaring Empyrean.

These dreams surely seem impossible now, but there is this Persian saying: "Let the youth dream." I'd be honored to perform alongside Shape of Despair, Pantheist, Worship, Mournful Congregation, and Ankhagram more than others in the scene, but I'd be glad to play along any at all.

Mournful Congregation has a track called "The Rubaiyat" in which they sing translations of Hakim Omar Khayam's Rubaiyat -- short poems in a certain style. This makes them so respected in my heart, as I love Omar Khayam and we read those poems here as they are in native Old Persian. I'd like to play an opener for them.

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[believerindaydreams]

in which some metafictional stuff happens

Inspired by some chat I was having with @sybilius and also an amazing ‘80s AU fic by @morgan-arthur although this can’t actually be blamed on either of them. Not least because it seems to be set in the ‘70s sometime instead.

so anyway, here’s a thing where Blondie and Tuco are draft-dodging, card-playing hustlers, and wow did I get involved in building up the situation for this. Also some racial stuff, hence the tagging. 

(edit: Tumblr in its infinite wisdom blocks the fic when I had the tagging in. I’m of the opinion that any fic where the POC protagonist is contemplating their own participation in screwed-up racial dynamics for the sake of pulling a fast one ought to be tagged racism, but I also want people to actually be able to read the thing, so no tagging.)

Ugh. 

Anyway, I feel that you can’t have Leone if the GBU characters are wandering around, so...

“Badlands,” Blondie says, holding the grey film can easily, as if it weighs no more than a dream; and Tuco privately seethes. 

They’ve been so careful about this little hustle, never entering a town together or winning too much from the same people. Blondie will show up at a bar’s back room first, play a few hands, let everyone there get a sense of him as a discreet, careful player, with a damn-near perfect poker face. 

Enter the sucker: one loud-mouthed, louder-dressed Mexican, twirling a mustache and flashing a roll (hundreds, wrapped around ones). Sometimes the other players will play it straight, and those nights they more or less break even. Other times, well...maybe he takes his time ordering the tequila, and gets to the table to find too many smiles, quiet sniggers behind the cards. And a couple too-good-to-be-true rounds to be sure of roping him in, with Blondie betting the most. 

So he wins those, and takes all the money, and tells them he’s quitting while he’s ahead. With a free round of tequila for everybody, to show there’s no hard feelings. If that’s not good enough, he has his gun; and there’s always Blondie’s if the situation got serious. So far they haven’t needed either, because the hustle they sell is never about the money. It’s something better, even more important, for the kind of men who hate the border and everything from south of it. Giving them the chance to look down on this cringing, incredibly superstitious foreigner who’d obviously love to play on, but santa maria, the Virgin Mary, she whispers in my ear and tells me no, go home now...  

(a joke in many layers; he’s from Brooklyn, not romantic Sonora, but even Blondie doesn’t know that part. There might be less dangerous ways of making a living; but none that won’t be just as insulting, Tuco figures. And the hours suit him fine.) 

Only apparently their reputation’s preceded them this time, because there’s no reason on earth that Bill Carson would just so happen to have a hot film print sitting in the trunk of his car. Blondie’s got next to no vices that Tuco’s ever noticed, but every man needs a couple, and his are Westerns. 

“Adequate stakes?“ Carson asks, with a hopeful, driving need in his voice- the jitteriness of a barely controlled addict, on something stronger than the whiskey he’s gulping like coke. Maybe there’s something to work with, then. If the stakes were worth it. 

“An old film,” Tuco says dismissively. “You tell me what I want with an old film, eh?”

“Badlands is New Hollywood,” Blondie says, not letting go to Carson’s pleading tug. “They’d never made anything like this before.”

Now that’s simply not true, Tuco’s well aware; he can date and place their progress across the country simply by what movie was playing when. 1967, Texas, Bonnie and Clyde. 1968, Colorado, and such a handsome bastard in Ace High. By 1969 they’d reached Las Vegas in time for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and spent more time sneaking into theatres than counting cards, the way he remembers it. There have been plenty such films before. 

Then again, he doesn’t know what it is that Blondie’s looking for, every time they sit before that silver screen and watch the pictures flickering by. To him they’re just a tolerable way to pass the time, a chance to rest his feet and fill his belly with hot buttered popcorn; but for Blondie, movies are meat and drink and eucharist all rolled into one, a gaping hole in the world’s tightly woven net, a wound that leads out somewhere that everything is upside-down, and their petty struggles for one more win, the indifferent hamburgers at forgettable lunch counters, sweaty nights at plastic-wrapped motels, all become the stuff of legend. 

But Blondie does have such a fine poker face; and that makes it worthwhile putting up with his foibles. “All right, all right,” Tuco says, a little more impatiently than usual; and lays down the covering stake. 

They win. Of course they win; and Bill Carson watches them take his prize with a strange kind of satisfaction, a relish that makes Tuco’s flesh prickle. All gamblers say they’re in it to win; not all of them are, though, and it fills him with unease when they play a man who begs the world to take everything he has. 

“Fucker had it coming,” he says afterwards, in the night-cold air of the alley (desert air is cruel like that, he’d discovered early on, while pretending that he’d known it all along). “But no match for us, eh Blondie?”

That’s breaking ranks. Even now, standing in front of the battered station wagon that will lead them to the next town, and another and another, they are not supposed to talk of their connection- but Blondie merely shoves an elbow into his ribs, a lackluster motion with no energy behind it. Talking’s no use, the man’s transfixed. 

Tuco curses under his breath, lights a cigarette to warm his hands and curb frustrated appetites. They’d plotted this one for weeks, planning and quarreling by turns, how to dupe the famous spendthrift Carson. He’d been dreaming of a month of steak dinners, real hotels with pile carpeting, enough money to let them rest a while and not have to do any thinking at all. 

Instead they were taken in themselves, just as broke today as they were yesterday, with a head muzzy from too much tequila and his stomach crying out with hunger. He has to be drunk, Tuco concludes, or he’d never have let Blondie dictate terms; not when they could have held out for money or a car or something practical, not a damned film that they can’t even watch.

(Briefly, he envisions reaching out and pulling the narrow length of Blondie’s black necktie into a choking knot; and the image fills him with too much bleak satisfaction.)

“You there,” somebody calls. Standing at the edge of the alley, where the street lights can outline his silhouette to maximum effect; it’s a nice theatrical gesture, Tuco notes, and tucks that one away in his memory for later.  

“You want us to put out, you’d better be prepared to pay up!” If that won’t get Blondie’s attention, nothing will. It doesn’t. 

The interloper comes closer, and Tuco recognises him now; the fourth member of their poker quartet, the one who’s spoken even less than Blondie. His mouth moves more than Blondie’s, but his eyes are just as verboten. “I have something you two might be interested in.”

“We’re not,” Blondie says, dropping the precious film into his game bag; and Tuco watches him move it from hand to hand, ready to toss onto a soft bulging trash pile if the situation degenerates into a fight. 

Angel Eyes smiles, at the both of them, and Tuco wishes he wouldn’t. “I have a projector. Someplace quiet to watch it, too. Sounds to me like we need each other.”

Blondie considers, pronounces. “Done.”

“Hang on here,” Tuco says, more for the sake of the protest than anything else. “Blondie, it’s late, this is new territory for us. We need to find somewhere to sleep tonight, get out bearings and pick up some dinner.”

“I’ll take care of that,”  Angel Eyes says, an offer that’s halfway to a command. “Only fair recompense.”

“Do us both good,” Blondie says, now staring at Angel Eyes with that same lust he’d just been lavishing on a second-hand film can; and Tuco does not ask himself the source of that sudden raging heat that grips his body tight. Doesn’t ask what it means for their unspoken trust, if someone else can wedge a way between him and Blondie; doesn’t ask himself how long this deal with a devil can be expected to last, or how it’ll end. 

All he allows himself to know is that he’s warm now, and somebody’s offered them dinner, and just now, there’s nothing more he wants out of life. 

“Tuco will probably fall asleep, but never mind that, I’ll wake him up if he starts snoring,” Blondie says. 

There’s a flicker in Angel’s expression, then. “For a poker player, you sure don’t pick up on tells.” 

wouldn’t it be just my luck, to be the bystander in a tale of love at first sight? 

“It’s your call, Blondie,” Tuco says, letting the tension drip into his shaking voice (it’s cheap, and he’d make himself a damn sight cheaper, to hold what he has). “Who are you spending the night with, huh?”

“Who’s to say I can’t spend it with both you idiots?“

“And where do you get off,” Angel Eyes asks. “Calling me an idiot?”

“If you weren’t, you’d have won the film yourself and we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” Blondie says. He takes one of his little cigars from a shirt pocket, lights and inhales. 

Not with the slightest trace of desire. There’s a devastating, effortless charm to it, the glorious self-sufficiency of a man who wants absolutely nothing from life, and will never need to ask. Illusion, the ideal poker face, perfect and complete. 

Tuco sucks in a breath at the sight, same as he always does; besides him, simultaneously, Angel Eyes does precisely the same. 

They don’t even need to look at each other, to share the next inexorable thought. 

That one’s going to be trouble.

[mark-archambault]

He Wants to be Your Husband

There are many advantages to living in a small town. I have always enjoyed being with people who require no backstory to understand, just tell the new addition to your tale and move on. Everyone remembers the time you peed your pants in third grade or how you missed that important catch in high school or any number of embarrassing stories. In a small town you hear phrases like: “She always was a little off.”, “The apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.”, “This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this.”, etc. Each major life event, and many of the minor ones, are stored away in the collective community memory. New information is added to your file as it happens. It may make it hard to break out of the mold of public opinion, but it does allow for a certain safety and acceptance. Each person is taken for who they are known to be and life flows on with hardly a ripple.

After my enlistment in the Air Force, I moved to a small village in Wisconsin. It took me a few years to know everyone’s backstory, but I am a good listener and caught on eventually. My parents had grown up near there and my father was an endless fount of old stories and juicy tidbits. We often travelled together for work and our short trips always included a few new facts and old dirt. He had been telling me the stories of his youth for years and was finally able to put a place to each tale. As I write, I can picture him raising one eyebrow, taking a draw off his pipe and offhandedly mentioning some new semi-scandal. I never cared about the topic or the details, it was the joy he got from the telling that I loved. These shared moments developed into a sort of shorthand or coded language for father and son. Dad would mention “the Yellow Farm” or “that darned flat tire” and we would both smile at the reference. I loved my little village and its endless tales of intrigue. I even found the stories of my own life entertaining when they filtered back to my ears. Sometimes they were even accurate.

For a year or so, I lived on the main street of town in a hundred year old, two story farm house. One summer afternoon I was driving through the village headed home when Spirit spoke to me. I was to go to the gas station and tell a woman “God wants to be your husband”. I said out loud “No, I’m going home!” It had been a long day and I did not want to give this word. Thanks to local gossip, I knew a few things about her situation and I was afraid of what might happen. In the half block that it took to drive past the convenience store and to my house, I doubled over in stomach cramps. That has always been the signal from Spirit that I “will” give the message. Fighting it just prolongs the discomfort.

I had always liked the woman at the store. As our work was seasonal, my father and his friends spent hours there each day in the winter, drinking coffee and telling tales. I knew that she and her husband had recently divorced. Another couple in our town had also recently divorced and the rumor was that they had simply switched partners. Her ex did indeed marry the other wife, although I don’t recall whether it happened before or after this incident. I was aware that she had taken up with the other, newly single, man and that he owned the convenience store. As I have already stated, not much happens in a small town without everyone knowing. Now the store owner had a reputation for a hot temper and this was the cause of my outright refusal to give the message. As a rule, I do not gossip and I am careful to keep my nose out of other people’s affairs. This is one of the reasons I have lived all these decades without once throwing a punch or being in a real physical fight. That and a natural born fear of being beaten.

I knew there was no point in going home without doing what Spirit said to do. God always wins. So I swung the truck around and parked near the gas pumps. My cramps ceased as soon as I made the turn. To my pleasant surprise, the store was empty except for the intended recipient. She was probably in her fifties, very much a white, mid-western lady with a hairstyle left over from the 1970s. This was in the mid-1990s. As usual, she had a big smile and a friendly hello for me as I walked in. I was my father’s son. He was loved in that town and, therefore, so was I. The only way I could think to deliver the words were to simply say them.

“I was driving past here and the Lord put something in my heart to tell you.” That is not a sentence most of us hear every day. I had to live in this town, so I was trying not to be perceived as crazy. She nodded and was still smiling so I kept going. “God says He hears your prayer, He loves you and He wants to be your husband.” A moan came from her lips, tears began to flow and her legs gave way. She dropped to the floor. From her place on the cement, she sobbed out that she had begged him to marry her, but he just wouldn’t do it. The “him” she meant was the store owner, her boyfriend. She felt used and betrayed. She had made a horrible mistake, but she loved him so. The hurt came pouring out. Over the counter and on the floor I could see a strong woman breaking in her anguish. I tried to find words of comfort.

Just then the doorbell chimed once, announcing a customer had entered the building. She was struggling to get to her feet as my own father walked in for an after work cup of coffee. He smiled at me and then noticed our friend getting up from the floor behind the counter. “Are you alright?” He said. Her hair and makeup was a mess. Her mouth had trouble forming words as she regained herself. “I’m fine” is all I remember her saying. I told her I would continue to pray for her and walked back out to the truck. My father was left standing in the store with a “What the hell?” look on his face.

The next day he wanted to know why our friend was so upset. “Did she say anything? I asked. He said “Not much. She cheered up within a few minutes and was back to herself”. After work I stopped by to check on her. I was greeted with a smile and a free cup of coffee. She told me the day before she had asked God if this man would ever marry her. Within minutes I gave her God’s answer. Although she was heartbroken, she seemed relieved to have an answer. We prayed together over the counter and I left. This would be our pattern every few days for the next several weeks. Spirit was preparing her for the next step in her journey.

A month or two later the store owner died of a heart attack. They were still a couple at the time. My friend was not his wife. She was not in his will. They had not been together long enough to claim common law marriage. Her boyfriend’s adult children kicked her out of his house and closed the store. Still, Spirit had heard her cry and carried her through the storm.

After a few more years, I moved to Arizona and lost track of the tall tales and semi-scandals of my beloved village. Now I live in a new small town. Safe here in my tiny spot of desert, I know everyone and everyone knows me. Sometimes I take my son for a drive and I can feel one eyebrow raise as I smile and tell him the newest addition to the backstory of the world around us.

[eminentfocus]

Bravery Despite The Wilderness

“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong.  You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission.  Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you are not enough.  You will always find it because you have made that your goal.  True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world.  The truth about who we are live in our hearts.  Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own.  No one belongs here more than you do.” - BRENE BROWN. BRAVING THE WILDERNESS.

Full transparency: I am tired y’all!  Not just sick of the “new normal” tired.  Not I had a busy week and need a quiet weekend, tired.  Not the kids have been rambunctious all week, we need a vacation, tired.  I am tired, tired.  I am tired of physically battling chronic illness.  I am tired of mentally rationalizing that any of this “new normal” is normal.  I am tired of emotionally shutting down because it’s “all just too much right now” while new blows continue landing.  I am battle worn and it clearly shows.  My hair hasn’t been washed or combed in almost two weeks.  I have masses of hair on areas of my body where there should not be any.  I change from running leggings back into lounging sweats and live there.  I haven’t scheduled an appointment with my doctor in almost a year.  I haven’t seen friends in months now.  I. Am. Tired. and it shows by my lack of self-care.

Everyone wanted to make a big deal when Brittany Spears chopped off her hair.  They said she was crazy, off the rails, unstable.  What if?  What if she had forgotten to take care of herself so long that she had no choice but to cut it off?  What if her shaving her head was the first step she took toward loving herself in months?  What if what you thought was the downward spiral for her, was actually the start of a healing journey, by caring for her hair for the first time in a long time?  I may have gotten to the point of the big chop myself. We all forgo ourselves when we feel bad, scientifically proven.  So how does one exactly go about walking bravely through the wilderness when they look and feel like a homeless crackhead?  Where we always start: exactly where we are.

Merriam-webster.com defines “bravery” as: “the quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : the quality or state of being brave : COURAGE.”  Brittany was courageous.  She looked in the mirror and realized where she was.  She knew exactly what she had to do to fix it, and she just did the fucking work.  She knew she would become a mockery before she cut it.  Honestly, I don’t think she wanted to, but knew she had to.  That’s why I personally think she sat window side in the salon.  She was inviting the world in to watch her transform, knowing y’all would mock her.  She moved forward despite the fear.  She is brave.  She walked in her wilderness.  Her truth.  Be like Brittany.  Go chop your hair- Er… I mean go do self-care!

Wait, wait!  No.  Not bubble baths, candles and cheat meals.  Yeah, okay.  I mean those are good too, but they are not really the self-care I’m talking about.  That’s marketing mumbo jumbo to get you to purchase the hope of “feeling better” so they can make some money.  The self-care I’m talking about involves YOU, not THINGS for you.  Down the rabbit hole we go!

Caring for our feelings.  Western society teaches that you become stronger when you push your emotions down and bury them.  You show maturity or valor for not having a biologically programmed response to a trauma.  They paint an image that as you pick up all this emotional baggage you become stronger, wiser and smarter.  The actual truth without the sprinkles: You are turning yourself into a trash dump for toxicity.  Pushing down feelings does not do anything but create a pressure cooker.  Be brave enough to hit the release valve.  Sit with your feelings and find the value/moral that is being triggered.  Remember yesterday’s message about emotions- feelings are just signposts to keep us on the path toward our values.  Seeds fall to the ground in nature all the time.  They do not grow from the fall, but from the nurturing of water and light.  Your feelings too need airing out to stop weighing you down and inspire growth.  Bring them to light and water them by setting healthy boundaries when your values are being tested.

Caring for our boundaries.  Everyone pushes our buttons from time-to-time.  We sometimes offend people when we don’t mean to.  Sometimes people have the best intentions but lack an adequate understanding to actually help.  People are people.  We are all broken.  That’s why I talk so much about the importance of giving and receiving grace.  But what about the people or situations that aren’t just annoying or confusing?  What about the people who no matter the time of day, they leave you drained?  The ones who consistently go on doing the things that directly trigger your values, after you’ve told them it hurts.  The ones who exhibit behaviors by choice.  Do you know who they are?  No?  Start a journal of your emotional triggers, you’ll find them quickly!  Once you do know, create a cushion, do not go on a blocking rampage.  I mean it!  Just create a space for you to be in control of how their bullshit comes through the fan of life at you.  That’s what it is, a bullshit storm that they know will draw you back into their castle so they don’t have to be alone in misery.  Don’t fall for it.  If it’s not helpful to you, it’s just distracting bullshit.  Dig a moat and stay on your side.  You do not have to answer that facetime call.  You do not have to respond to that text message.  You. Can. Say. No.  Especially when you really mean it.  You have to control the fan here, not the shit flying through it at your face.          

Opening to vulnerability.  I know we all HATE, hate, hate this emotion.  We loathe it.  We conjure up images of death, disappointment, fear, loss of control.  We hide it and bury it until an “acceptable” breaking point, usually a tragedy.  I personally struggle with vulnerability.  The second you see me fall off the social radar, I’m struggling.  I shut down and close out.  I suffer alone as to not spread around my negativity.  Sound familiar?  What really is this monster of an emotion that we all want to keep a light on at night around?  Mark Manson so eloquently describes it as: “Vulnerability is consciously choosing to NOT hide your emotions or desires from others.  That’s it. You just freely express your thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions regardless of what others might think of you.”  Vulnerability is simply authenticity.  Do you still hate it?    

Times of fear and uncertainty.  I’ll say it just because we are all already so sick of it: RONA.  It has been 299 days that our family has been social distancing, working, schooling, eating, exercising, growing and bickering, through a global pandemic.  299 days of news and media propaganda spewing.  299 days of losing the very things that we thought were safe.  299 days we have been watching the economy dump wondering if our financial situation would turn.  That is uncertainty.  That is palpable fear- a signpost that our values are disrupted.  So what do we do?  We feel, decide and adapt; just as we were created to do.  

Every positive has a negative.  Our brains automatically work on a negative feedback loop.  Western social norms go against the way we are organically wired.  Most of what we think we know is wrong and it has been scientifically proven.  We learned all of this together since the beginning of the new year.  We have grown.  Now that we know better, we have to choose to do better.  That’s the work.  We cannot go on doing the same things and expecting a different result, that’s insanity.  Take the first step into your wilderness.  Instead of seeing the losses of 2020, see the opportunities that it made room for.  Take one step forward from exactly where you are today.  Take another tomorrow.  Every day take one step.  Prioritize your time to include yourself.  Be brave. Hit that do not disturb button. Tell a friend that you are struggling and honestly answer their questions of concern to sit with your feelings. Schedule that walk with a friend you’ve put off for too long. It takes bravery to prioritize yourself but you and your values are worth it.  Do the fucking work and ignore the superego!

That’s self care. Not bath bombs.

[healthierlife4u]

How to fight back against internet censorship

Internet Information Suppression: Fighting fire with fire  So as you may have figured out by now, they are actively attempting to censor information on the internet. Not only that, but I’m am 100% convinced that they are using multiple fake bot accounts in a desperate attempt to  control the narrative  on the internet. You may have noticed that anything critical of mainstream news especially on platforms like reddit are quickly down voted, removed, or deleted when it goes against this narrative.

 They are using terms like  fake news  and Russian propaganda because they are losing control of this narrative and they would rather create a reason for censorship then face the allegations and deal with fixing the mainstream propaganda mechanisms like those of the major news outlets.

 For so long they, I’m talking about you liberal media, have tried convincing us that bringing immigrants from poor uneducated countries is diversity in action and only positive. But we can see the rapes, the beatings, the terrorism being allowed to propagate within our western countries, working to degrade us as a whole, not enrich us culturally. They try to hide this, they try to hide anything damaging to the liberal state propaganda apparatus and blind us to the reality of the squalor they are creating for us. Try to question this obscene behaviour, try to question other institutional corruption and you are blocked, banned, or worse ghost banned.

 The problem I see is that they are constantly attempting to frame everything as some type of race war and as such are excusing violent behavior and it’s clear from police behavior that they are ignoring their oaths to charge members of the left like antfa and such they are literally abdicating their respective responsibilities and letting groups like this get away with criminal assaults against what they refer to as neo-Nazi’s. Seriously people put down you iPhones and look around you, your political affiliations are not a concern, and you are being played by your governments.  As such are playing into the giant distraction the liberal media is pulling so you don’t demand they explain themselves for the clear wrongs they are responsible for.

 RELATED:  Divide & conquer: a rich man’s game where common men lose 

 Cutting the cord has given me tons of perspective, it’s like you’re born again into a reality where you can see a spade for the spade it is, I recommend getting as far away from cable as you can. The problem now however, is you can see the propaganda sneaking into the internet at an alarming pace, and with things like net neutrality, we may face a future where, things deemed not acceptable by the  CIA  and mainstream news organizations are literally throttled down to oblivion and to never be seen.

   You see, the internet is the last great refuge for the free thinking individual; it’s all we really have left and as such we must fight back in a smarter way to avoid them winning. I was told I lived in a free country and I am going to live like this is still a reality even though I know that everyday my freedom becomes more and more limited.  They shouldn’t be able to take our ability to communicate freely just because they can’t admit to where they have gone wrong.

 Sometimes it may become necessary to fight fire with fire and the need to move towards the same modus operandi. They are seemingly using multiple accounts for propaganda and censorship purposes and that does not mean we should discount these methods ourselves. You see we can fight back and we can hit them back, everything leaves a footprint and these fake accounts are likely upvoting and promoting other accounts that are fake. Fortunately for us,  this is simple for any private citizen to also utilize. Here are some steps you can take to get your own alternative accounts:

 Step 1. Proxies. You will need to find a reliable proxy if you want to setup more than a few accounts. Typically for one proxy you can reliably have 5 accounts of each social network. What the heck are proxies? A proxy can work as a bridge so to speak, your computer or device using a proxy can appear to be the ip address proxy that you want.

 They are geographically attached so that you can purchase USA proxies and you appear to be from the USA or you can get Canadian proxies and appear to be from Canada. They are great for other uses as well like masking your ip address to get access to content that may not be available in your region. Proxies are cheap and there are lots of suppliers out there, for example you can expect to pay around $10.00 USD per month for 10 proxies. With that kind of plan you could have 50-60 social media accounts and fight back against the blatant censorship.

 Step 2. Firefox portable or similar standalone browser. Once you get the proxies you’re halfway there, now all you need to do is download the portable firefox browser, make sure it’s the portable version! What I’d do is download the portable version and make a new copy for each proxy I’m going to use. So you should have 10 copies of firefox portable if you get 10 proxies. Now you just open each browser, one at a time and go to “options” and then “general”. Choose “network proxy”  check “manual proxy configuration” and input one of the proxy ips and the port for each one.

   That’s all you really need to do, now you are free to have like 50 accounts and fight back against the bot assisted downvoting and manipulation of content not deemed appropriate by them. Now you can go and get called fun buzzwords like “Russian agent of Putin”, “white supremacist” and “neo-Nazi”, for simply questioning or being critical in general about any mainstream news.

 It’s really amazing to see how giant companies like Youtube are attempting to censor people’s thoughts and opinions, many people I personally follow have had their accounts demonetized which means that they are being actively suppressed and as an added bonus to this demonetization they will appear lowing in the searches in Youtube and Google search. This is very troubling, the internet was never meant to shut people up rather it was created for the good of us all to communicate freely, censorship is outright wrong and dangerous.

 We really have to fear when the truth is being suppressed so much, this tells us that rather than face the truth they would rather silence us all, so we must all stay strong and fight back. To really be effective in your fight against information supression, you will need to find relatively new content and promote it everywhere you can. This is where it can be effective with reddit to sort by “new”. If you notice that something is being brigaded especially in the case of reddit, fight back with your own army of accounts and upvote what they are downvoting en masse, this will help others to see this information and make them harder to be suppressed.

 The number one thing you can do today for your critical thinking self, is to  cut the cord  get away from the heavily propagandized media apparatus, they are a cancer on free thought and have ventured so far from their original mission statement into a degraded corporate propaganda mouthpiece. Show and teach everyone you know about this, we can take back some power with the  corporate media  in it’s death throws as we rise to the top. We are supposed to live in free societies where freedom of the press used to actually mean something, now it’s only purpose is sowing division and promoting war propaganda. They want to turn us all on ourselves and degrade our good intentions, while they hope to remain under the radar and heeding no responsibility for this madness.

 In writing this post I am in no way condoning illegal behaviour, rather providing information for educational purposes only.

 The post  How to fight back against internet censorship  appeared first on  The Green Living Solution .

https://thegreenlivingsolution.com/fight-back-internet-censorship/

[striving-toward-170]

How to fight back against internet censorship

Internet Information Suppression: Fighting fire with fire  So as you may have figured out by now, they are actively attempting to censor information on the internet. Not only that, but I’m am 100% convinced that they are using multiple fake bot accounts in a desperate attempt to  control the narrative  on the internet. You may have noticed that anything critical of mainstream news especially on platforms like reddit are quickly down voted, removed, or deleted when it goes against this narrative.

 They are using terms like  fake news  and Russian propaganda because they are losing control of this narrative and they would rather create a reason for censorship then face the allegations and deal with fixing the mainstream propaganda mechanisms like those of the major news outlets.

 For so long they, I’m talking about you liberal media, have tried convincing us that bringing immigrants from poor uneducated countries is diversity in action and only positive. But we can see the rapes, the beatings, the terrorism being allowed to propagate within our western countries, working to degrade us as a whole, not enrich us culturally. They try to hide this, they try to hide anything damaging to the liberal state propaganda apparatus and blind us to the reality of the squalor they are creating for us. Try to question this obscene behaviour, try to question other institutional corruption and you are blocked, banned, or worse ghost banned.

 The problem I see is that they are constantly attempting to frame everything as some type of race war and as such are excusing violent behavior and it’s clear from police behavior that they are ignoring their oaths to charge members of the left like antfa and such they are literally abdicating their respective responsibilities and letting groups like this get away with criminal assaults against what they refer to as neo-Nazi’s. Seriously people put down you iPhones and look around you, your political affiliations are not a concern, and you are being played by your governments.  As such are playing into the giant distraction the liberal media is pulling so you don’t demand they explain themselves for the clear wrongs they are responsible for.

 RELATED:  Divide & conquer: a rich man’s game where common men lose 

 Cutting the cord has given me tons of perspective, it’s like you’re born again into a reality where you can see a spade for the spade it is, I recommend getting as far away from cable as you can. The problem now however, is you can see the propaganda sneaking into the internet at an alarming pace, and with things like net neutrality, we may face a future where, things deemed not acceptable by the  CIA  and mainstream news organizations are literally throttled down to oblivion and to never be seen.

   You see, the internet is the last great refuge for the free thinking individual; it’s all we really have left and as such we must fight back in a smarter way to avoid them winning. I was told I lived in a free country and I am going to live like this is still a reality even though I know that everyday my freedom becomes more and more limited.  They shouldn’t be able to take our ability to communicate freely just because they can’t admit to where they have gone wrong.

 Sometimes it may become necessary to fight fire with fire and the need to move towards the same modus operandi. They are seemingly using multiple accounts for propaganda and censorship purposes and that does not mean we should discount these methods ourselves. You see we can fight back and we can hit them back, everything leaves a footprint and these fake accounts are likely upvoting and promoting other accounts that are fake. Fortunately for us,  this is simple for any private citizen to also utilize. Here are some steps you can take to get your own alternative accounts:

 Step 1. Proxies. You will need to find a reliable proxy if you want to setup more than a few accounts. Typically for one proxy you can reliably have 5 accounts of each social network. What the heck are proxies? A proxy can work as a bridge so to speak, your computer or device using a proxy can appear to be the ip address proxy that you want.

 They are geographically attached so that you can purchase USA proxies and you appear to be from the USA or you can get Canadian proxies and appear to be from Canada. They are great for other uses as well like masking your ip address to get access to content that may not be available in your region. Proxies are cheap and there are lots of suppliers out there, for example you can expect to pay around $10.00 USD per month for 10 proxies. With that kind of plan you could have 50-60 social media accounts and fight back against the blatant censorship.

 Step 2. Firefox portable or similar standalone browser. Once you get the proxies you’re halfway there, now all you need to do is download the portable firefox browser, make sure it’s the portable version! What I’d do is download the portable version and make a new copy for each proxy I’m going to use. So you should have 10 copies of firefox portable if you get 10 proxies. Now you just open each browser, one at a time and go to “options” and then “general”. Choose “network proxy”  check “manual proxy configuration” and input one of the proxy ips and the port for each one.

   That’s all you really need to do, now you are free to have like 50 accounts and fight back against the bot assisted downvoting and manipulation of content not deemed appropriate by them. Now you can go and get called fun buzzwords like “Russian agent of Putin”, “white supremacist” and “neo-Nazi”, for simply questioning or being critical in general about any mainstream news.

 It’s really amazing to see how giant companies like Youtube are attempting to censor people’s thoughts and opinions, many people I personally follow have had their accounts demonetized which means that they are being actively suppressed and as an added bonus to this demonetization they will appear lowing in the searches in Youtube and Google search. This is very troubling, the internet was never meant to shut people up rather it was created for the good of us all to communicate freely, censorship is outright wrong and dangerous.

 We really have to fear when the truth is being suppressed so much, this tells us that rather than face the truth they would rather silence us all, so we must all stay strong and fight back. To really be effective in your fight against information supression, you will need to find relatively new content and promote it everywhere you can. This is where it can be effective with reddit to sort by “new”. If you notice that something is being brigaded especially in the case of reddit, fight back with your own army of accounts and upvote what they are downvoting en masse, this will help others to see this information and make them harder to be suppressed.

 The number one thing you can do today for your critical thinking self, is to  cut the cord  get away from the heavily propagandized media apparatus, they are a cancer on free thought and have ventured so far from their original mission statement into a degraded corporate propaganda mouthpiece. Show and teach everyone you know about this, we can take back some power with the  corporate media  in it’s death throws as we rise to the top. We are supposed to live in free societies where freedom of the press used to actually mean something, now it’s only purpose is sowing division and promoting war propaganda. They want to turn us all on ourselves and degrade our good intentions, while they hope to remain under the radar and heeding no responsibility for this madness.

 In writing this post I am in no way condoning illegal behaviour, rather providing information for educational purposes only.

 The post  How to fight back against internet censorship  appeared first on  The Green Living Solution .

https://bit.ly/37Kg96R

[workingtolovemyself]

How to fight back against internet censorship

Internet Information Suppression: Fighting fire with fire  So as you may have figured out by now, they are actively attempting to censor information on the internet. Not only that, but I’m am 100% convinced that they are using multiple fake bot accounts in a desperate attempt to  control the narrative  on the internet. You may have noticed that anything critical of mainstream news especially on platforms like reddit are quickly down voted, removed, or deleted when it goes against this narrative.

 They are using terms like  fake news  and Russian propaganda because they are losing control of this narrative and they would rather create a reason for censorship then face the allegations and deal with fixing the mainstream propaganda mechanisms like those of the major news outlets.

 For so long they, I’m talking about you liberal media, have tried convincing us that bringing immigrants from poor uneducated countries is diversity in action and only positive. But we can see the rapes, the beatings, the terrorism being allowed to propagate within our western countries, working to degrade us as a whole, not enrich us culturally. They try to hide this, they try to hide anything damaging to the liberal state propaganda apparatus and blind us to the reality of the squalor they are creating for us. Try to question this obscene behaviour, try to question other institutional corruption and you are blocked, banned, or worse ghost banned.

 The problem I see is that they are constantly attempting to frame everything as some type of race war and as such are excusing violent behavior and it’s clear from police behavior that they are ignoring their oaths to charge members of the left like antfa and such they are literally abdicating their respective responsibilities and letting groups like this get away with criminal assaults against what they refer to as neo-Nazi’s. Seriously people put down you iPhones and look around you, your political affiliations are not a concern, and you are being played by your governments.  As such are playing into the giant distraction the liberal media is pulling so you don’t demand they explain themselves for the clear wrongs they are responsible for.

 RELATED:  Divide & conquer: a rich man’s game where common men lose 

 Cutting the cord has given me tons of perspective, it’s like you’re born again into a reality where you can see a spade for the spade it is, I recommend getting as far away from cable as you can. The problem now however, is you can see the propaganda sneaking into the internet at an alarming pace, and with things like net neutrality, we may face a future where, things deemed not acceptable by the  CIA  and mainstream news organizations are literally throttled down to oblivion and to never be seen.

   You see, the internet is the last great refuge for the free thinking individual; it’s all we really have left and as such we must fight back in a smarter way to avoid them winning. I was told I lived in a free country and I am going to live like this is still a reality even though I know that everyday my freedom becomes more and more limited.  They shouldn’t be able to take our ability to communicate freely just because they can’t admit to where they have gone wrong.

 Sometimes it may become necessary to fight fire with fire and the need to move towards the same modus operandi. They are seemingly using multiple accounts for propaganda and censorship purposes and that does not mean we should discount these methods ourselves. You see we can fight back and we can hit them back, everything leaves a footprint and these fake accounts are likely upvoting and promoting other accounts that are fake. Fortunately for us,  this is simple for any private citizen to also utilize. Here are some steps you can take to get your own alternative accounts:

 Step 1. Proxies. You will need to find a reliable proxy if you want to setup more than a few accounts. Typically for one proxy you can reliably have 5 accounts of each social network. What the heck are proxies? A proxy can work as a bridge so to speak, your computer or device using a proxy can appear to be the ip address proxy that you want.

 They are geographically attached so that you can purchase USA proxies and you appear to be from the USA or you can get Canadian proxies and appear to be from Canada. They are great for other uses as well like masking your ip address to get access to content that may not be available in your region. Proxies are cheap and there are lots of suppliers out there, for example you can expect to pay around $10.00 USD per month for 10 proxies. With that kind of plan you could have 50-60 social media accounts and fight back against the blatant censorship.

 Step 2. Firefox portable or similar standalone browser. Once you get the proxies you’re halfway there, now all you need to do is download the portable firefox browser, make sure it’s the portable version! What I’d do is download the portable version and make a new copy for each proxy I’m going to use. So you should have 10 copies of firefox portable if you get 10 proxies. Now you just open each browser, one at a time and go to “options” and then “general”. Choose “network proxy”  check “manual proxy configuration” and input one of the proxy ips and the port for each one.

   That’s all you really need to do, now you are free to have like 50 accounts and fight back against the bot assisted downvoting and manipulation of content not deemed appropriate by them. Now you can go and get called fun buzzwords like “Russian agent of Putin”, “white supremacist” and “neo-Nazi”, for simply questioning or being critical in general about any mainstream news.

 It’s really amazing to see how giant companies like Youtube are attempting to censor people’s thoughts and opinions, many people I personally follow have had their accounts demonetized which means that they are being actively suppressed and as an added bonus to this demonetization they will appear lowing in the searches in Youtube and Google search. This is very troubling, the internet was never meant to shut people up rather it was created for the good of us all to communicate freely, censorship is outright wrong and dangerous.

 We really have to fear when the truth is being suppressed so much, this tells us that rather than face the truth they would rather silence us all, so we must all stay strong and fight back. To really be effective in your fight against information supression, you will need to find relatively new content and promote it everywhere you can. This is where it can be effective with reddit to sort by “new”. If you notice that something is being brigaded especially in the case of reddit, fight back with your own army of accounts and upvote what they are downvoting en masse, this will help others to see this information and make them harder to be suppressed.

 The number one thing you can do today for your critical thinking self, is to  cut the cord  get away from the heavily propagandized media apparatus, they are a cancer on free thought and have ventured so far from their original mission statement into a degraded corporate propaganda mouthpiece. Show and teach everyone you know about this, we can take back some power with the  corporate media  in it’s death throws as we rise to the top. We are supposed to live in free societies where freedom of the press used to actually mean something, now it’s only purpose is sowing division and promoting war propaganda. They want to turn us all on ourselves and degrade our good intentions, while they hope to remain under the radar and heeding no responsibility for this madness.

 In writing this post I am in no way condoning illegal behaviour, rather providing information for educational purposes only.

 The post  How to fight back against internet censorship  appeared first on  The Green Living Solution .

https://bit.ly/37Kg96R