#boosting but also sorry! long posts give me anxiety so sorry if gave that to one of yall gsjbdnd this just seems fun and im excited!

[swtki]

Dancing Days - Edward Cullen x Reader Smut

Anonymous said: 19&24 on edward smut? love ur writing!

A/N: Thank you so much :) also I’m so happy everyone is h*rny for Eddy. I decided I want to explore more period times with Edward, changing his persona in a certain decade, but still ultimately being in the same universe as cannon. This will play into the readers character a tad bit.

WARNINGS: 18+ CONTENT, SWEARING, S*X, VAMPIRES, ORAL SEX (MALE RECIEVING), VIRGIN! EDWARD, NON VIRGIN READER, GENDER NEUTURAL READER, MENTIONS OF WAR AND DEATH. 

19: “Fuck me like you want people to know”.

24. “Thing is, I’m a virgin”. 

_______________________________________

I brushed my hair into its usual part, making sure I looked flawless. The year was 1976, I was a senior in Highschool. It was a wonderful time to be a teenager, no longer afraid that my friends would die in Vietnam. Even in my dinky little Washington town, the culture was becoming our own. 

The Led Zeppelin record playing on my record player stopped suddenly, alerting me that I was no longer alone in my room. I turned, my expression soft as I saw my boyfriend, Edward.

“Whats up with you and this album? Everytime I come in, its always House of Th Holy on repeat.” I rolled my eyes, lifted the record in question off of the tray, and put it back snuggly in its case. 

“I can’t help it, Ed. Robert just speaks to me. I’m sure you’re like that with Louis Armstrong.” I waved my hand, walking back to my mirror to finish getting ready. 

“Maybe, but the music you listen to it’s...” Edward paused for a moment, sitting on my bed. “It’s suggestive, Y/N.” I turned to him, my eyebrow raised.

“Suggestive? What’s that supposed to mean?” I placed my hands on my hips, and waited for him to explain.

“Well, for one that one song says ‘Sipping booze’, I quite think that is blatant alcohol reference.” I looked at him, dumbfounded. Then, I started to laugh, and I walked over to him. Instinctually, he pushed his head into my chest, enjoying the comfort it brought him. 

“I love you, but god are we from two different Mars.” He chuckled, sending a rumble through my chest.

At school, I was an average kid. Fair grades, many friends, many ex friends. When Edward was paired up with me in math, I got through his cold, stone skin. At first, he was annoyed when I would fuck off, leaving him to do the work himself. Understandable, and once I realized how rude I was, I stopped. I talked to him, prodded him truthfully. I would ask him once we started dating if he had noticed me previously, because I had never noticed him. 

“Yes, I noticed that you were the only one who didn’t acknowledge me. Ironic I guess.” 

A year into our relationship, I would never let him go unnoticed. We walked the halls, hand in hand. Our outlooks were so different when it came to life. He was modest, I was free spirited. Edward was different from my boyfriends previously, I didn’t want to fuck things up, and I refused to even risk it. 

School went slowly that day, possibly because my head was focused on what I would ask Edward, my boyfriend of one year, about sex. About us and sex. 

I hadn’t told him that I wasn’t a virgin, I was worried he would only want a virgin girl, after all they can never look at you disappointed and say “I’ve had better.” A definite plus. Many a nights I tried to imagine him, moaning completely under my control. I wanted him, but I didn’t know if he wanted me. Surely in 50 years he had found a good fuck. I worried that he would be into someone else, forever tied to a vampiress. 

The end of the school day couldn’t have come sooner, my anxiety rising as I got into Edwards car, starting a long silent car ride. I tried to keep my mind off of it, an attempt to avoid the conversation until we were at my house. I kept my mind busy with the lush scenery outside of the passenger side window. 

“So... I know you want to ask me, and I know the answers to what I would ask you.” He said blatantly, putting the car in park outside my front lawn. 

“I don’t wanna talk out here Ed, lets go inside.” I swung my bag onto my shoulder. Thats the thing with Edward, I never have to say anything, just as long as I think it. 

My house was empty, making it easy for Edward to follow me upstairs to my room. I shut my door behind us, then turned to him. Unsure of what to say, I breathed in deeply.

“How long have you known that I wasn’t...you know?” He smiled, sitting on my plush navy sheets. 

“Y/N, I knew before I met you what I was getting into. Your ex had a lot of thoughts about that one night where you guys-” 

“Oh my god okay ew.” A blush rose upon my face, and I saw Edward laugh as he watched my body fill with embarassment. “Well why didn’t you say something?” I asked.

“I figured if it needed to be brought up, it would be. You and I aren’t exactly a physical couple so I didn’t worry too much.” I walked over to my bed, taking a seat next to him.

“I see...I mean it wouldn’t be a big deal for me so if you want to...” I bit my lip at him, his gaze turned to the other direction.

“Thing is, I’m a virgin.” My expression went from a seductive look, to a puzzled one. I wondered if I had heard him correctly. “I’m old school, Y/N. It wasn’t like how it is now when I was human. People didn’t just have sex in highschool, unless they were married because the man was off to war. So, it hasn’t been on the menu for me. You’re the first girl I’ve dated in fifty years, you know. And no, there was no vampiress or anything.” I smiled.

“Well, I don’t wanna scare you or push it or anything. It’s just you know-” 

“You want to touch me, to be touched by me.” his eyes trailed back to mine, looking deep into my soul.

“Yes, I want you, Edward.” I pressed my lips to his, pulling away jut as it got intense. I could feel his disappointment. “I want to...but I can’t let you down. Tomorrow night. I’ll call you and we can talk about everything we want out of it, I’ll give you a fucking fairytale, my love” I chuckled.

I called him that night as I had said I would. We talked about my first time, and everything I liked, followed by what he had seen on video, what he wanted to try, and his fears.

“I don’t want to kill you, darling.” He said.

“Then don’t. I won’t let you.” He laughed at me, enjoying my lack of seriousness.

The next night rolled along with a quick pace. I looked at the clock and saw that it was time for me to start getting ready. 

I made myself look simple, a small bit of makeup and hair product, but otherwise just a tank top and jeans. Sometimes, dating an old fashioned guy was a pain in the ass. Always complaining about suggestive behavior. But other times, my shoulders counted as being half nude.

“You look stunning, as per usual.” Edward said, stepping into my room. He was tense and barely moved. “I don’t know what to do..what usually happens with it if I’m not the one doing everything.”

If he had any blood flow, he would have been blushing right about then.

“We don’t have to do anything you know. We can just lay down and watch a movie if you want to, I just want to make you happy, Edward.” I walked over to him and put a strand of his messy auburn hair behind his ear. Without hesitation, he pressed his forehead to mine.

“I want to, thats the part that’s been eating me away ever since I met you. I want to make you feel good, I just don’t know if I’ll lose it and-“ I cut him off with a kiss.

“Even if you break my pelvis into pieces, I’ll still be happy. I’m always happy when I’m with you.” we both smiled, and suddenly the thick tension that once filled the room vanished. “I’ll take care of you tonight, just as long as you’re doing it for you. I just need to know you’re doing this for you, and you need to be sure you wont roll over afterwards and hate me.” I said, my hand clasped in his marble one.

“I want you, Y/N. I have no doubts that I’ll want you afterwards, too.”

I pushed his head down, level to my own. Our kiss was deep, filled with a years worth of hunger. My hands tugged on his hair, making him whimper. Suddenly, I felt my feet lift off the ground as Edward carried me to my bed. With a soft thump, the plush sheets surrounded my body. It was a contrast of warmth on my back, and Edwards cool body on my top.

His hands were balled into fists, clutching my duvet as if his life depended on it. I pulled away, panting for air.

“Sorry, I forget you need air.” He smirked. I rolled my eyes in response.

“Well, its a shame you don’t. Because I intend on taking your breath away.” we both made small laughs at my remark.

“What now?” He looked at me for guidance.

“Get on your back.” I said.

We switched positions, he was now on the bottom. My legs straddled his torso, I sight he visably enjoyed. I slithered my hands up to his head, cupping his face as I kissed him again. My left hand left its post, reaching down to the buttons on his shirt.

I paused, looking up at him once I got to the last button.

“Does it...work like normal or...” He threw his head back and laughed.

“It doesn’t have spikes, I can assure you its just like a humans. But Emmet did tell me to pull out so...I’m kind of worried about the implications of that but-“ I leaned down to shut him up with a kiss.

His hands were still at his side, resting on the bed. I picked up his wrists, and placed them on the side of my thighs. He squeezed them lightly.

My hands roamed over his bare chest, cool to the touch. I lached my lips onto his neck, causing his back to arch below me. I could feel his excitement beneath me, it gave me a big self esteem boost. His hand reached along my waist, tugging at my shirt. His eyes lit up at the sight of my bare chest. He reached for me but I pulled away to slide down onto my knees.

He looked confused, like I had left him high and dry.

“Sit on the edge.” I said softly, my knees burning slightly due to the rough carpet underneath them.

He rid himself of the unbottoned shirt, slidding over to me once finished. My hands slowly stroked his thighs, he was desperate for some type of touch.

I smiled, tugging on his belt until it came undone. He stayed silent, looking at me like I was the only thing in the world. I unbottoned the trousers, tugging on them. He kicked them off and was left in his breifs.

“Is it okay if I..” I looked up at him and he nodded frantically. I palmed him over his underwear, feeling how hard he had gotten from kissing. My fingers latched onto the waist band, pulling them down to reveal a pale yet pink cock. It wasn’t too big, but deffinitley satisfactory. I ran my finger over the tip, earning a small groan from the vampire. My eyes trailed up to him, so I could see him when I took him in my mouth.

He let out a breathy moan, eyes focused on my mouth. His lips were parted ever so slightly. I bobbed my head, and grotesquely sexual sounds arose from my throat. I felt Edward move a strant of hair out of my face, he looked at me like I was a god.

“Fuck..Y/N if you keep doing that there wont be anything for you, dear” He said in a breathy moan. I pulled back, my mouth feeling sore and tired. “Do you still want to?” He asked, grasping his hands on my waist.

“Yes, I fucking need you.” I threw off my jeans, I would worry about finding them later, I needed him. He layed back down, propping his head up on my pillows. Our lips collided in another kiss as I leveled myself with him.

“Are you sure?” I ask him, stroking his hard member.

“I’m sure.” He pecked my lips again as I got ontop of his lean figure. I spat in my hand, lubing up my needy hole.

“How do you want me to do this? I mean like slow? What do-“ He said with genuine worry.

“Fuck me like you want people to know” I whispered, “ Fuck me like you want the entire neighborhood to know that I’m yours and yours only.”

“I can make that happen, love.” He flipped me over, now being back to where we first started. He lined up his cock with my hole, running it around the tight area. I put my fingers in his hair, making a slight tug as he pushed into my body.

Pleasure filled my body as he filled me up, his cock stretched my insides in the right ways. Without pausing, he started to push his hips into mine, making sure not to hurt me.

He reached down to suck on my neck, adding to the pornagraphic moans in the room. My hands travled to his back, scratching my nails down the cold stone like skin. His moans echoed in my ear.

“Y/N, I can’t be on top I’m going to crush you” I laughed at him, tapping his side so he fell onto the bed. I swung my legs over him, sitting on his perfect cock.

“Perfect, fucking amazing.” He said as I steady myself onto him. His face was in a euphoric expression, the most relaxed I had ever seen him.

I began to rock my hips, sliding him in and out of me. His hands grabbed onto my hips, guiding me. Everything was a euphoric experience. My gut filled with that wonderful sensation.

“Edward I’m gonna cum, oh my god” I moaned out, picking up my pace.

Suddenly, the world went still. My eyes went black and I saw stars as my orgasm washed over me. My moans echoed in the room as my body twitched. A few thrusts up into my body and Edward pulled out of me, rubbing his cum out onto his hand.

I layed there panting while he sped to the bathroom, and came back with a clean cloth, wiping down my body. He put the cloth down, pulling up his underwear and handing me mine. I slipped the fabric on, slipping under the covers.

“Get in here, I wanna kiss you”

He laughed, obeying and slipping beside me. Our lips reunited in a soft clash.

“I love you so much, dear.”

[nct-lian]

nct 127’s relation to lian

TAEIL + LIAN: IL-LI

taeil used to wake her up for school when she was still a teenager :((

such a soft but overlooked duo

will appreciate each other forever and ever

lian teaches him roasts in english that he can say to johnny

remain each other’s hype man and woman

taeil was the first to suggest he and the other nct members react to the trailers of her dramas on video so they can boost them in popularity

promotes the HELL out of lian’s solo career over twitter

lian loves coming up behind him and just giving him hugs because he’s soft (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞

they watch movies together a lot! but taeil has to come down to the fifth floor because lian hates it up on the tenth one

he was once able to grab her hand in an airport and they held hands the entire time :(( a few pictures went a little viral

they share hoodies NSHDHSHCJA

lian keeps bugging him to get an instagram

taeil will ALWAYS take her side in silly arguments she and the other members have sometimes

he makes fun of her height because she’s shorter than him-

he also used to help her with her homework :(

cried when lian went on her first date

“my child is growing up (´∩｀。)”

had to do a background check on the guy before he even allowed him to come in contact with her again, though

JOHNNY + LIAN: JOANN

johnny is her dad, period

no questions asked he is her father

will give her piggyback rides all the time

he was once woken up by her jumping on his bed and asking if they could go shopping

at 6:00 am

he actually got up, got ready and took her shopping but since it was so early, the stores were all closed

he took her out for japanese fluffy pancakes, though!

whenever lian is sick, johnny makes her his mom’s homemade chicken noodle soup recipe :((

speaking of johnny’s mom, she loves lian to death and always asks johnny if he’s taking good care of her

if they’re not being asked any questions or having to translate anything during interviews, they always whisper jokes in each other’s ears to try and make the other one laugh

because of how lian dies during the trailer of her new drama, johnny cried in front of twenty-two other men while they reacted to it

he was NOT embarrassed

“how are you guys not crying? this is so sad. what a cruel world we live in ໒( ˵ •̀ □ •́ ˵ )७”

kept screaming at lian’s “dream of you” performance video

“WHY ARE YOU ON THE GROUND DANCING LIKE THAT?!” “JISUNG COVER YOUR EYES-“

he once effortlessly picked up lian and moved her somewhere else because she wasn’t standing where she was supposed to be

everyone says that their ship name is something a white, suburban mom would be named. now nctzens pronounce joann like “joanne” ･x･

it was said on the zach sang show that johnny used to measure her height every month to see if she grows or not, and that’s the only reason why he has her height memorized

TAEYONG + LIAN: LIYONG

has lost lian in so many airports it’s not even funny

“hyung, what happened to lian?” “oh, you have GOT to be kidding me-“

whenever he doesn’t see her he goes into panic mode and starts asking if anyone has seen his little sister

“about this tall with really shiny hair? her cheekbones are insane, i swear. OH OH OH SHE WAS WEARING JOHNNY’S HOODIE- you don’t know what johnny’s hoodie looks like.. okay, well thank you for your help.”

one of the first members that she was comfortable with

lian said that he was her role model :’(

as the leader, he’s always taking care of her and will not sleep until he knows for sure she’s eaten

because of how lian never participated in any of nct’s first bit of promotions due to being too uncomfortable around them, she was allowed to skip out on the viewings of their relay video letters

but she was still required to make one for somebody and that somebody was taeyong ˵ ຈ ︿ ຈ ˵

she said that she was glad he was her leader and that she hoped to become closer one day

he cried

declares that he will take care of lian till the day he dies

taeyong had yelled at lian’s former manager until he voluntarily quit working for her- he had found out that lian was being overworked to the point where she collapsed during their dance practice and he wasn’t okay with it

always cheering her on backstage when she performs solo

he always tries to include her in guiding the members for their dances because he knows how happy it makes her

instead of having her carry her glasses around with her, he does it instead :D

“nana, do you have to wear your glasses now?”

taeyong tucks her into bed every night he can ᕕ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ)ᕗ

YUTA + LIAN: YUN

totally doesn’t have feeling for her, yeah

yuta is obsessed and when i tell you he’s obsessed, he’s obsessed

did i mention obsessed?

he’s jealous of everyone :(

yun stans insist that the only reason yuta is so touchy with winwin and mark is because he’s trying to cover up his feelings for lian

bye if that’s true-

hyuck wanted to give her a hug (a rare occurrence) and yuta straight up just said,

“mine. go away”

i have proof guys :// johnny recorded it and literally posted it on instagram

lian died internally when yuta cut his long hair because she couldn’t put it into ponytails anymore :((

but his hair is growing back now so she’s able to do it again :)

yuta teaches her japanese every tuesday and thursday!

we don’t bring this up because it’s pretty embarrassing but,, when nct 127 were backstage before performing kick it, yuta asked doyoung (who was in a direction where he could get a clear view of lian’s face) if lian was staring at him

how do we know this, you may ask?

it was caught on camera and everyone made fun of him for a solid week straight

he’s caught staring at her from afar way too often for comfort

lian says that he’s very pretty

much like the other memebers that have instagram, he makes story countdowns that he posts about a week before lian plans to release her solo music

DOYOUNG + LIAN: LIDO

another member of the lian protection squad

doyoung was the first to start calling her cupcake

it all started when doyoung was sick and lian made him cupcakes to make him feel better

will slap anyone who makes a flirty remark towards lian

was embarrassed for yuta when he asked if she was staring at him

said “no” and walked away

lian is the only one who ever shows him any mercy :’)

they have very similar taste in decor so they often go shopping together for things to put around the dorm

doyoung said that he spends the most time in lian’s room because it smells like vanilla all the time

he spoils her SO MUCH

like so much

half the plushies she owns at the moment were gifts from doyoung

has a tendency to watch over her and make sure she’s content at all times

“cupcake, are you hungry? i can make you some food if you’d like” “oppa, it’s 3:00am-“ “and?”

they take such pretty instagram pictures :((

at one point in time, doyoung was jealous of his older brother because lian used to crush on him a tiny bit :0

not because doyoung likes her or anything, she just couldn’t stop talking about how nice he looked in revolutionary love

disapproves of the staff giving lian such short clothing sometimes

“um, excuse me, she can’t wear that. are you crazy? go get her a new outfit, please”

JAEHYUN + LIAN: JAELI

not many people bring this up because we know it’s honestly a sensitive topic :|

but he lowkey has deep feelings for her (he makes it so obvious sometimes it’s kinda disappointing to see how oblivious lian really is to it)

jaeli + yun love triangle anyways

jokes aside, though, jaehyun loves lian so so much

once cried to johnny about how he doesn’t know what to do and that he didn’t want to make anything awkward by confessing to her

makes sure to be near her as often as possible

once scared away a whole kim taehyung from talking to her during isac ╰[ ⁰﹏⁰ ]╯ (let’s pretend bts were there for 2019 pls)

“jungkook, keep your friend away, please :D”

didn’t work, though, because they ended up having a conversation later in the day either way

*in the 97’ liner groupchat* “HYUNG IM SORRY HE RAN AWAY I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DOl

it was uncalled for but what can you do amirite ┐(´～｀)┌

lian pokes his dimples a lot and squishes his cheeks

just randomly hugs him but he’s not complaining

johnny isn’t picking sides but he became team jaeli after jaehyun broke into tears in front of him for the first time since they were trainees about how much he loves lian

sad,, i know

lian judges jaehyun for not sleeping with sheets

continues to believe he is not a human being, but a robot created in a lab

jaehyun smiles at her for no reason

JUNGWOO + LIAN: LIWOO

an instant bond formed between them when they first met!

jungwoo learned a lot about her and has developed so many ways to deal with her anxiety :(

gave the staff a guide on how to keep her calm when he went on hiatus because he couldn’t be there with her

buys her colouring books because he knows that they calm her down well!

liwoo went viral and become a popular ship when lian accidentally changed the nct 127 instagram profile picture to a jungwoo icon

she got scolded but it was iconic orange haired jungwoo with a chain-

an untouchable duo when they do double aegyo

nctzens think jungwoo is her favourite member

maybe because lian said he was

“ “who’s your favourite member?” hmm i’ll have to say woo-oppa!”

*cue jungwoo laughing at yuta’s face because he was that shocked*

they share secrets with each other so now they probably know the other like the palm of their hand

even though he’s off his hiatus, he still has to guide the staff members through lian’s little moments because sm staff suck at their job sometimes

they’re the two members who go grocery shopping together

more like jungwoo dragging lian to the grocery store with him but okay

jungwoo loves kissing her cheeks (〃▽〃)

their vocals mixed together are confirmed to be noises from heaven

lian misses his blonde bowl cut :/

MARK + LIAN: LIMARK

leader of lian’s natural length hair committee

like when i tell you mark hates her extensions-

mark was the first friend lian was able to make in nct!

they bonded over canada and it was very rare to see them speaking in korean

mark goes into straight panic when he’s with her sometimes

has to remind himself they’re like siblings

lian ans mark covered “your eyes” by hoody and jay park during a vlive!

it was adorable :((

lian had him saved in her phone as “android user” but now she doesn’t know what to change it to

they had a fight in 2019

mark let’s her call him the weirdest freaking nicknames ヽ ( ꒪д꒪ )ﾉ

mars bar, markie, mork, marko

AND IN RETURN HE CALLS HER MARIJUANA-

he says it’s because czennies consider her to be addicting and since marijuana is addicting as well he thought it’d be a good fit

someone on twitter absolutely ENDED HIM though and wouldn’t stop making fun of him (；⌣̀_⌣́)

they can read each other’s mind just by looking at each other

“dude i hate this shit why does she keep asking us who we wanna collab with?” *cue lian laughing hysterically*

“what’s so funny (゜-゜)” — interviewer

HAECHAN + LIAN: LIHYUCK

haechan makes fun of her kissing scenes in dramas

calls her short all the time

“lian give me a high five- oh haha nevermind it’s too bad you’re so short”

they’ve actually been so close to fighting each other and i’m not even joking

they’re the two members who fight the most out of all of them

but despite this, they love each other very much

hyuck says he’s the only one who’s allowed to make her mad

and if anyone else makes her mad he’d kill them

limark 2019 fight flashbacks where haechan kept threatening mark

there are actually moments when they’re clingy with each other-

haechan loves her hugs :((

like ??????? one minute they’re at each other’s throats and the next, they’re all lovey dovey hugging each other make it make sense ?????

lian could be speaking english and he’d say, “korean, please. i can’t understand canadian”

“shut up <3”

hello haechan cried and wouldn’t let go of her during her and mark’s graduation ceremony in 2018

she makes fun of him for it but never takes it too far

he goes to her for dance advice

during their nct 2018 weekly idol appearance when they were doing the random kpop dance thing, they beat everyone أ‿أ

[iidascalves]

First patrol (Hawks x reader)

So I got a little carried away writing the beginning of this one, but I just REALLY love Mirko. I wasn’t sure what to use as the reader’s quirk so I just did the ability to create telekinetic force fields with energy in different shapes and shit. Also, (h/n) will mean your hero name. Once I finished I writing this I decided it was a little long so I split it into two parts. I guess this first part can be considered a various x reader lol. I’ll post part 2 soon! I’m having a lot of fun with these so please don’t be shy to send requests or asks! Thanks :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“THAT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR” Bakugou screeched in the common room.

“I literally don’t know what you want me to say.” You stared blankly at Bakugou as he was practically foaming at the month. His hands began to emit smoke.

“Kacchan, calm down! (Y/n), I’m happy you got such a great opportunity!” Izuku tries to congratulate you while holding a death grip on Bakugou’s arm. “You and Mirko will make a great duo!”. You smiled at his reassurance and braced yourself for his detailed mutterings about the specifics of both your and your future mentor’s quirks.

“Thank you. I’m excited but nervous.” You shifted in your seat while your hands were in tight fists. “I’m excited to prove myself.”

“I’ve met Mirko before. She’ll enjoy working with you, I’m sure of it.” Todoroki spoke for the first time all evening from the dinner table as he slurped cold soba. You honestly had forgotten he was there.

“Oh yeah! Your father and Mirko team up sometimes, right?” Izuku mentioned as he turned on the couch to face Todoroki.

“Yes.” Todoroki took a slurp of soba before continuing. “If you run into him, be wary. He’s more concerned about his reputation than a rookie looking for guidance or protection. That’s why Hawks does his own thing most of the time. My dad can’t be bothered with anyone else.”

“I’m sure (y/n) will be in good hands with Mirko.” Izuku tried to ease the tension in the room. As Todoroki is a man of few words, it’s rare for him to share things like this. You decided you should head to bed to prepare for your long day tomorrow.

“Alright guys. Thanks for chatting with me. I’m off to bed.” After replies of good nights and wishes of luck, you tried sleep off the anxiety until tomorrow.

_____________________________________________________________

“Ready to rumble, (y/n)?!” Mirko enthusiastically greeted you when you entered her office.

“Yes Ma’am! Thank you for letting me join you today!” You bowed to Mirko and straightened up as you heard her walking toward you.

“No need to be so formal!” Mirko gave you a big slap on the back as she passed you. With your back aching and stinging, you closely followed her to the elevator. “I don’t take just anyone out to patrol with me, (Y/n). You got something special, kid.” She gave you a large smile as the elevator door closed. You were thrilled to finally start your internship, with your idol none the less.

“Thank you, Rumi. It means a lot coming from you.” You tried to calm the reddening of your face as you two descend to the lobby of her agency.

“Don’t sweat it! And remember that on the street I’m Mirko. Right, (h/n)?” Mirko smiled at you as the elevator rang.

_____________________________________________________

After a few hours of patrol you and Mirko still hadn’t had any calls or serious confrontations. Although popperazzi and other media outlets seemed to follow you both everywhere, they were only taking pictures from a distance as not to interfere. “Sorry that this is such a quiet day. I wanted to see you in action!” Mirko began chatting with you and you two walked.

“No, it’s alright. Something is bound to come up anyway, right?” You smiled and continued to survey your surroundings. A teenage boy ran up.

“You’re Mirko, right?” His face was a deep red.

“The one and only! Want a picture or something?” Mirko smiled at the boy. His head whipped around before his eyes frantically landed on you.

“Hi. Can you take our picture, please?” You held up the fan’s phone to take a picture with Mirko.

“1,2,3, smile!” You continued taking a few pictures until Mirko put her hand up to her ear intercom. You handed the phone back to the guy and awaited news. Mirko nodded at you after coming off the intercom.

“Let’s go. No time to waste.” Mirko turned serious as she dashed off to the lower part of town. You used your quirk to manifest a board to ride on in order to keep up.

As unfamiliar buildings flew past, you couldn’t recall seeing the surrounding landmarks on the sheet of information Mirko gave you about your sector.

“Mirko, are we close?” You grew anxious and unsure as you approached the scene.

“Yeah,” Mirko grinned as she gained momentum by swinging off a lamppost. “Stay sharp. This is uncharted territory for you.” You nodded and picked up speed, feeling the wind press against you.

Finally, you saw the scene you were summoned to. A monstrous villain was holding a car with a family trapped inside above his head. You didn’t recognize the villain, he was most likely an angry civilian that snapped. The villain was towering about thirty feet above you. He was angrily screaming, the veins on his neck and arms were bulging and strained. It was obvious this guy never used his quirk like this before.

“You think he used an enhancer?” You kept your eyes glued to the car the villain gripped.

“Probably.” Mirko’s smirk wavered and her brows furrowed. “Bunch of bastards have been juicing up and wrecking shit recently.” The villain began to shake the car and screech in anger.

“I’ll get the car, you get the guy?” You asked Mirko as your eyes focused in on the car and you activated your quirk.

“Read my mind. Just give me a boost.” Mirko smirked and slid a foot back in preparation to jump. “Let’s go.” Mirko lept sideways causing the villain to whip his head in her direction. You raised your left hand and manifested a platform under the car. Your right arm shot out as you made a small platform about seven feet in the air for Mirko to vault off of. Your eyes remained on the car as you heard Mirko’s feet pound on the platform and you saw a swift white streak knock the villain from under the vehicle. While Mirko repeatedly kicked the villain into submission, you lowered the car with the clamoring family to the ground. You ran to the car and escorted each member to the side where a small crown was gathered. You turned to see Mirko with the villain in a suffocating leg triangle. The villain’s screeching quieted and his body began to lose muscle and shrink.

“Mirko, should we take him in for questioning?” You pulled handcuffs out of your pocket and placed them into Mirko’s outstretched hand.

A gust of wind passed behind you making the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You also felt an intense warmth behind you. “We can take him off your hands. You’re in our jurisdiction after all.” You spun around to see Endeavor and Hawks. Your hands clenched and your chest tightened at the sight of the two top heroes.

“Number 1 and 2, always a pleasure.” Mirko hauled the villain to his feet. “So what if we’re in your jurisdiction? You guys didn’t get here fast enough. That’s why we were called.” Mirko smirked.

“Mirko,” Endeavor began to speak. ” we were being briefed on an important future mission. Our delay was expected so they called you and uhh.. Shouto’s classmate.”

“’Shouto’s classmate’ is not the name of my intern, Endeavor.” Mirko put a hand on her hip and raised a brow at the number one hero. Her ears perked up at the arrival of an idea. “How about this: we walk this jerk to the precinct and do introductions over some lunch?”.

“As long as the place has chicken.” Hawks smiled at Mirko. You wanted to admire his handsome features, but decided against it out of fear of embarrassment if he caught you. “Endeavor treats since he was the reason we’re late!”. Endeavor crossed his arms and sighed. He then began walking in the direction of the precinct. Mirko and Hawks shared a laugh and Mirko began hauling the villain behind Endeavor. You paused before following. Your eyes were still trained on Endeavor. You wondered if he would have cooperated at all if you fought with him instead of Mirko. Hell, he didn’t even bother to learn your name after being friends with Shouto for the past year.

“So what’s your deal, kid?”. Hawks was suddenly walking by your side. You tensed at his sudden presence and looked ahead towards Mirko.

“My deal?” You glanced at him to see if his eyes were still on you, eyes briefly meeting before your head turned.

“Yeah. Does Endeavor spook you or something?”

“No.” You could feel your face getting warm. “He’s just intimidating, I guess. And hearing what Shouto has to say about him doesn’t really help.” You didn’t like being questioned like this.

“I get that. He’s a shitty dad.” Hawks stretched as you two walked. “He’s also a pretty difficult guy to get to know. He’s starting to change for the better though. But his social skills are still shit.” Hawks looked over at you to make sure his remark made you smile. He knew if he kept talking you’d loosen up and get more comfortable. “How’s your first patrol going?”

You glanced at him and smiled. “I can’t complain about lunch with the top two heroes.” Hawks laughed.

“Yeah, I guess. I’d say you’re doing pretty well for your first time. Mirko doesn’t team up with just anyone, you know.” Your face got even warmer as you became flustered once again.

“I’m mainly only good for defense and rescue.” You looked away from Hawks and started to fidget with your hands.

“Don’t be modest, kid. I saw you rescue that family back there.” Your face was own fire upon hearing his praise. “Also saw you kick ass at the sports festival. If it were up to me, I’d have you do more offense training.”

“T-thanks.” You said shyly as you scanned around you for something to look at to distract you from your own embarrassment. Things remained pretty quiet as you continued to walk to the precinct.

[lululawrence]

Annual Writing Self Evaluation

Thank you for the tag @louandhazaf!!! I’m honestly clutching my chest that you tagged me, so thank you xxx especially since i love this little self eval that i think @juliusschmidt came up with all those years ago and we just keep perpetuating it haha

this... is going to get long, though. since it asks me to list my works published this year and that is 24. so. here goes.

1. List of works published this year:

Swerve the Handshake (Nick/Louis)

Need So Much of You (Harry/Louis for @onedirectionbigbang)

You're A (Total) Distraction (girl!direction and hybrid Harry/Louis for @wallsficfest)

Always Keep You Next To Me (Greg/Louis for @wallsficfest)

With Your Hand In Mine (Nick/Louis for @wallsficfest)

Smells Like Omega Spirit (Harry/Louis for @1daboficfest)

If Only We Wish Hard Enough (Harry/Louis for @disneydirectionfest)

Political Pizza (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Talk the Night Through (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Wrinkles (Harry/Louis for @1000feelingsfics)

Would You Be My Girlfriend? (girl!direction Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Lately You've Been On My Mind (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

Don't Want It Any Other Way (Harry/Louis for @wordplayfics)

I'm Ready for the Worst (Greg/Louis for @louisandmenfest)

Loving You's the Antidote (Nick/Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Do You Know Who You Are? (Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Don't You Call Him (What You Used To Call Me) (Harry/Louis for @finelineficfest)

Gone Too Long (From You) (Harry/Louis co-written with @fallinglikethis for @finelineficfest)

Just Me and the Stars Can Get Lonely (Niall/Rory McIlroy for @heartbreakweatherficfest)

The Way You Bend the Rules (Niall/Rory McIlroy for @heartbreakweatherficfest)

And Then I Saw His Face (Harry/Louis for @1dtrickortreatfest)

I'mma Give You A Promotion (Nick/Louis)

What You Waiting For? (Nick/Harry for @1000feelingsfics)

(I'm Dreaming of a) One Night Inn (Harry/Louis, Zayn/Liam, Niall/Shawn)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

every time i think about this question i’ve got a different answer, to be honest. i do think my I Go Down Blazing, Feeling Like I'm Going Crazy series is probably what i’m most proud of, though. as soon as i knew @runaway-train-works was going to be hosting the heartbreak weather fic fest, i knew i wanted to write dear patience, but as the idea grew and grew and more ideas solidified and i realized what the story was turning into, i realized it was so much more than i originally thought and i needed a second song to help me fully get a solid grasp on it. in the end, it was a hard duo of fics to write, mainly because i honestly don’t know much of anything about golf, i was still trying to create fully the way soulmates worked in the world, and there’s just not all that much about rory online to find, so i was winging it haha but i’m so incredibly happy with the world i made and the fics i wrote, even if i don’t know that they’ll ever get to like 200 hits or whatever hahaha i love them.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

uhhhhh you know looking at this list of fics i have, i’m actually proud of every single one for some reason and i don’t know if there’s any of them that i’d even label as “least proud”.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

i hate this question and forget that it is on this list every year lollll let me see if i can find something i really like. okay i found one, it’s from my long grouis haha and i’m apologizing now for it being so long. you can skip ahead to the next question if you like, but i’m just incredibly proud of the banter and the way i wrote this section, PLUS those damn joggers actually happened because he posted a photo of himself wearing them in the shops on instagram and that inspired this entire thing so. enjoy. (i’ve italicized it and indented it to hopefully make it easier to skip it’s so long i’m so sorry)

“It’s safe for you to come back in here,” Louis called out as he closed his computer. 

“Thank goodness, I was getting so exhausted of hiding in your bedroom and snooping through all your shit,” Greg said as he walked out wearing a sheet mask and a pair of grey joggers that did nothing to hide what he was packing. 

Louis smirked and wanted to say something, but Greg kept going. 

“Did you know you have like five different deodorants in there?”

Louis threw his arm on the back of his couch and nodded. 

“Why?” Greg asked, throwing himself down onto the couch and placing his stupidly long legs on top of Louis’. “Who legitimately needs five different deodorants? Do they have different uses or something? Some were even women’s deodorants, so I wasn’t sure if they were your sisters’ or what. Oh, and I helped myself to one of your fancy toners. It had rosewater in it or something.”

“Well, for the deodorants I just like trying different scents and I switch them up based on my mood. And actually, the one I use most often is a women’s deodorant. It works great. Plus I smell fresh and clean like baby powder all day.” Louis shrugged. “And that wasn’t my toner. Dunno who left it. Just showed up one day and no one says it’s theirs, so I kept it. It’s quite nice, isn’t it? Lotts said it’s supposed to help even out the PH balance of my skin or some shit, but I’ll be fucked if I know what that actually means.”

“Oh, that does sound fancy,” Greg agreed, checking the time on his phone. “I’ve got five more minutes on this mask, don’t let me forget. Don’t want to leave it on so long it burns my skin off or summat.”

“Sure,” Louis said, laughing. “So are you actually wearing anything under these or are you just that excited to see me?”

“Eh?” Greg asked before looking down at his crotch. Of course, now he was sitting down it didn’t show anything. “What are you on about?”

“Stand back up and look in a mirror, mate,” Louis said, laughing. “You’re dick was trying to tell me hello a minute ago.”

“I didn’t tell it to do that,” Greg muttered as he shifted so he could stand back up again. He walked into Louis’ bedroom, and Louis could hear when he’d seen himself. “Oh my God, that’s obscene! Does it always look like that when I wear these?”

Louis laughed and walked into his bedroom to see Greg’s eyes wide as he shifted himself around and walked a bit, appalled that no matter what he did, nothing seemed to make it any less there. 

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen you in those. You usually nick a pair of mine,” Louis reminded him. “Do you wear them without pants often?”

“I never wear pants with these,” Greg said, rubbing his forehead. “Fuck, I’ve likely given that nan that lives below me too many looks at my cock without even realising it. They’re my softest, most favorite pair of joggers! I wear them to the shops when I’m too knackered to get fully dressed!”

As Greg continued to narrate the various escapades he’d had over the years in the joggers without even realising what he’d been doing, Louis settled onto his bed, propping himself up on his elbow so he could still watch Greg as he motioned about in distress.

When it was clear Greg wouldn’t be stopping anytime soon, Louis pulled out his phone and started filming. There was no one he could share this with, but it would be good for a laugh later on.

“Fuck, and you didn’t remind me to take off my mask!” Greg cried, rushing back into the bathroom to remove the sheet mask and do whatever else he had to do when he used them. 

Greg was proper obsessed with them, said they were relaxing and kept his skin soft. Louis just liked knowing they were one of Greg’s things, like taking regular baths with a bottle of wine and perusing various adoption websites for dogs he could possibly give a good home to.

“Sorry, love,” Louis said, as Greg walked back out of the bathroom. He really was sorry, but he also couldn’t pass up the opportunity to keep taking the piss. Greg was too much fun to rile up. “Was distracted by your big dick flopping about whilst you remembered all the good times you’d had in the joggers.”

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

i’ve had a few this year that told me they don’t usually read that pairing or they don’t usually comment on fics, but for various reasons they gave the pairing a try or wanted to comment because of something specific and those were particularly lovely. that said, every comment is so so great, they really do boost me up to see them and i need to do better with getting my anxiety in hand and responding to them regularly.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

this entire damn year, man. all of the time i’d carefully carved out for myself over the past few years to write was basically blown to shit with the pandemic, which also was so exhausting it didn’t leave me with much energy to write. but i still somehow posted 24 fics?? i dunno, dude. i think writing saved me and gave me something to look forward to, tbh.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

most of my advent fic, tbh lollll a lot that was in there wasn’t really brainstormed ahead of time, it just happened, and i forgot some of the details even because i just flat out didn’t remember what i’d put in there, so i’m STILL surprised haha i love when fics happen like that

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i always think of challenges as fun and then i look back and wonder if i was insane because i thought it would be fun to try something new but it was mostly really fucking hard haha i wrote a lot of pairings and combinations of tropes this year that i never have before as well as stretching myself with writing emotions and situations i never have before, so i’m quite proud of myself for continuing to push the envelope and try new things like that.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i mostly hope that i’ll be able to carve more time out for myself as things HOPEFULLY settle down a bit more. i might not be as impulsive when it comes to choosing things to write at that point, but we’ll see. lol

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

i... hmm. there’s a lot of people i’m thinking of right now, but it’s hard to choose just one. i think actually there were two and they were @louandhazaf and @disgruntledkittenface. i very much admire both of them for their own writing and works, but i am particularly inspired by how many pairings they write and the variety of fics they have posted. it’s definitely because of them that i’ve tried writing a lot of the pairings that i have, and that’s before you even start to look at the help they’ve given me with betaing certain fics (usually rare pairs lollll). they’re just both so supportive and open to so many things, and i am so much more open to all sorts of things because of them. i CANNOT answer this without mentioning the Write Your Way Out GC either, though. Y’all are my crew in SO many ways and you let me rely on you in every way through this past year. it really does take a village, doesn’t it?

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

lmao i’m sure. but all i’m thinking of at the moment are the tumblr posts and canon compliant shit i based the fics on, so nothing off the top of my head apparently haha

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

hell if i know. maybe just... write for yourself. i think that’s why i’m so proud of every fic i wrote this year. i really was writing for me and if others like it too? bonus. 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my big bang!!! that’s the big one. i’m so excited for it. i have a whole list of other fics, too, though. hahaha i’m also super SUPER excited for both of my omega harry fics to post hehe 

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@becomeawendybird @sadaveniren @londonfoginacup

*All answers should be about works published in 2020. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want.

[donaidk]

After this week I'm so tired my own thoughts don't make sense to me at the moment, but I wanna recap the whole experience for anyone who can learn something from this. I like sharing life moments of mine, hoping that others in same situations might see more into how someone else felt while going through the same things.

My main message? Let your kids try out sports until they find THE ONE and also make sure you at least try out working with people (kids in this instance, but probably all age groups). Gonna put the long post after the keep reading line :)

I have never been a people's person. I have social anxiety, I'm always worrying about what others think about me and just in general connecting with strangers for me is a huge weak point. I'm just generally not experienced enough with socialising and anxiety will never help me getting better at it. This is exactly why I thought I would never ever take on a job that involves dealing with people and maybe even caring for them in any way. Seeing that a huge part of my family (even from older times) had been teachers, I always felt a bit out of the picture with how I just couldn't imagine going the same route, choosing IT and dealing with technology rather.

I got this job, as a total surprise, 3 years ago. I'm working for someone who I now consider a close friend of mine and has been my trainer - and I would like to say mentor - back in the day for 3 years and then when I gave up on the sport for a few years, she was there and brought me back into it again. I could thank her for a lot since we got to know each other. Firstly for making me realize that giving up something to trauma will not solve my problems and that I have to take those situations head on instead. Secondly for giving me a place where I feel like home outside of my real home and family cricle and where I can fully be myself no matter what. She was the first one who trusted my idiotic 18 years old self, who had issues at all aspects of her life. She saw something in me that no one ever before that point in time highlighted or even recognised in my opinion.

She trusted me with the kids coming for trainings - of course with supervision first - and never doubted me even if I needed time to get into the groove of it. I found such a stability to my life there, a place where I could go whenever I needed an ear to listen or just had thoughts to air out. Having the horses there as well helped a lot, as I always got a better connection with animals then people. They always calmed my mind in record time, as during horse riding and just caring for them I finally had something to concentrate on other then myself, my future, the health of my family or school.

And the kids. Oh my world the kids. In the last 3 years I gained so much from just being with them for those 30 minutes each, talking and training them as well. We're a chill place, no major tournaments and no competitions are in our heads to get ready for. They have such golden hearts, I can not express it in words. They are people who haven't been stained by society yet, though it's slowly getting worse and worse as they're growing up. They see you for you, have no prejudice towards you and also do not fear expressing their love towards you yet. I've had kids telling me they think I only know silly people when I told them I don't really have friends, have been worried about by a kid who would have gave me her hat on a chilly winter day when i left mine at home and just in general have been given so much love by them I never knew I would be ever deserving of.

And the parents? 8 out of 10 times the same level of wholesomeness. I had parents telling me their kid has been so afraid of horses until I started playing with them and talking to them while riding, just getting their mind off the big task and easing them into the whole sport. We had someone telling us they're glad that their kid is growing up with such strong female role models in a world where we started to forget how women are just as strong as any man. I have parents who almost feel like surrogate parents with the way they care about my own mental health, education and just my general well being. They took me in 3 years ago like I have been a part of the stables since it was started and make me feel like a real part of it all.

Even after a week where I gave my all to them and after which I feel like only sleeping the next week, they gave me such an energy boost while taking the kids home on the last day. They never forget to thank us for the things people nowdays take for granted from teachers, trainers and instructors. They're the most wholesome bunch I have ever met, and it could have never been a part of my life if I decide to only take up jobs that don't include working with people or they didn't let their kids try out sports and find us and the world of horse riding. As much as they get out of it, we get just as much and even more back from them. Either by their words or their actions. I'm just glad I get to take part in these camps and get to spend my weekends with them as well, even if it's tyring and takes up time. I would never find something that's more worth it.

I'm sorry, this got really long, but I just wanted to express the whole ball of thoughts in my head that wants to burst right now. My heart is bursting with love, and as much as I know that August will be a hell of a month, I know taking this package with me will ease it a bit and help me get through it. Make memories, try yourself out and never give up things just because you think you won't be successful. You can never know until you try yourself out truly, giving your all.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and that we will have a fantastic raceweekend in F1blr, as well as a lovely next week 🤗 Sorry for rambling as well, but that should be just an everyday trigger warning for my blog 😂

[halfwayinlight]

Title: Stay A Little Longer Part 1/2 Fandom Star Trek TNG Rating: PG Pairing:  Will Riker/Deanna Troi Notes:  follow up to Star Trek TNG season 6 episode Frame of Mind, aftermath of Will’s ordeal. Gratuitous hurt/comfort fic for @cleverdistraction I think it will be a 2 parter

Deanna knew that he wasn’t cleared to return to work, yet. She was sure he hadn’t even finished half of his report. Might not have even begun it. Will certainly hadn���t been cleared by his psych evaluation because she was the person who had to do that. But she was surprised to find that he was still in sickbay.

She hated sickbay. It was one of her very least favorite places to be because emotions were always heightened. Raw. And she could sense the anxiety and a deep, underlying exhaustion emanating from Will Riker before she even stepped out of the turbo lift. She used the corridor to plex and made a more conscious effort to shield herself from the spike of distress.

Walking into an ICU that was empty except for one ensign checking the bio beds was a relief. She hadn’t expected to see Will there, but it was still a relief to have as few crew and no injured or sick patients. But she could still sense that his distress was not easing any time soon. Deanna winced at the flare of emotion and paused.

She’d intended to speak to Beverly first, but her concern and the immediacy of it drew her to the private room. “Will?” she asked, pressing the quiet chime so she didn’t take him by surprise. But when there was no answer, she entered.

The Enterprise’s First Officer was sitting on the floor, his back against the bulkhead, knees bent and feet on the floor.  His hair was a mess, and the dark circles under his eyes were only darker. His hand rubbed over his beard, and he gave a sigh. “Sorry,” he mumbled, head falling back to rest against the wall behind him.

“May I sit with you?” she asked, wanting to move immediately to him but recognizing the signs of post-traumatic stress. So she chose to stand where she was, angled slightly in an automatic positioning that gave her access to the door but also to step aside in case the person she was working with became volatile.

“Yeah,” he rasped, rubbing his eyes and sighing.

Deanna moved slowly across the small room and eased herself down, leaving a foot between them so as not to crowd him. “Will,” she stared quietly, “Can you tell me about how you’re doing?”

He stretched his legs out, grimacing a little, which told her that he had been sitting with his legs tucked in for too long. “I’d really like to sleep,” came his quiet reply, suddenly preoccupied with the floor and his fingers toying with the edge of a non-descript top that sickbay kept on hand.

Despite all her training, she still had to fight the urge not to rush to ask the next question. Deanna let the quiet linger and took a moment to focus on her own breathing to retain the calm in the room. “I’m sure it would help you feel better.”

He nodded and started to say something but close his mouth and swallowed. “I know I give you hell about it, but who can relax here?”

It wasn’t, exactly, a rhetorical question. Sickbay was not designed to be relaxing. Generally if crew were here, it was serious. The very rumpled bed told her that very little, if any, sleep had happened last night. The blanket was a crumpled pile at one end, and the pillow had clearly been through it.  He needed sleep. Desperately. And the plate at the small table was barely touched, telling her that he hadn’t had much of an appetite this morning, either. “Did Beverly tell you how long you need to stay?”

A shrug was his reply. “She wanted to monitor me tonight. Her shift hasn’t started, yet.”

Deanna took in this news. She had hurried down to sickbay this morning, and alpha shift wasn’t quite beginning. “I know you’re very tired, but can you tell me about last night?”

He shifted slightly and peered down at her before taking a few breaths. “I tore down the set last night. The play was over… it needed to come down anyway. It… it felt good.” He rolled his shoulders, and it didn’t escape Deanna’s notice that his right foot was suddenly restless, despite Will’s attempts to keep his hands still by clasping them together. “Beverly stayed and helped me drag some of it to the reclaimator.  And then she said she wanted me to go back here for observation. It… seemed like a good idea at the time.”

She wanted to turn to face him more directly, but vast experience with Will had taught her that he was more relaxed when they sat side by side. “Now—”

“But—” he had paused long enough that she didn’t think he was going to continue. But now they were talking at the same time.

Go on, she nudged gently.

Will sighed and shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t really remember what I was going to say.”

“You said it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“They ran scans, everything seems normal… But it doesn’t always feel real. Everything felt real. I told you about that… And I felt too restless to sleep much. I’d say it’s stupid, but I know you’d say—”

“Your feelings aren’t stupid, they’re real,” she said quietly in unison with him. Deanna offered a small, affectionate smile. “Will, I don’t think staying here is helping you.”

“I agree with the counselor.” They both blinked up in surprise to see Dr. Beverly Crusher standing in the doorway. She moved into the small room and perched on the abandoned bed. “And I should’ve realized that last night, Will. I’m sorry.”

He tried to shrug it off with a chuckle, but the smile and laugh weren’t there. “So I’m getting evicted.”

“I’m releasing you into Deanna’s care,” Beverly clarified. “I want to give you a boost first, and either  of you should call me if anything comes up. But given what you went through, I think this room is too clinical for you to rest.”

Deanna stood and offered her hand to him. “Please, Will.” It took all her energy to project the warmth and comfort. She moved forward slowly, giving him time to be aware of her movements until fingers brushed through his thick but soft locks of hair. Fingers soothed and stroked, and she cupped his cheek. Imzadi? Can you trust me? She implored.

He finally gave a nod, then took the hand in his. Although she pulled lightly, it was mostly Will who pushed himself up and straightened, taking a moment to get his bearings and balance. Deanna led him to the bed to sit long enough for Beverly to give him a hypo and orders to get eat, to rest, and to let her know if she needed to make a house call. Her eyes met Deanna’s for a long moment, enough to impress the point even if they didn’t communicate telepathically.

And then Deanna was urging him up again. Her hand wrapped around his arm like it often did when she sought him at receptions and other formal events. They had lived this walk way too many times to count. One leading the other out of sickbay. It didn’t even garner attention from the rest of the medical staff, who were busy with reports and labs. Deanna was grateful for the very normal day going on around them.

Good. The more normalcy that they could have, the better for both her and for Will. It wasn’t a magical solution, but as they gained the turbo lift, Deanna could feel the edge of his anxiety easing a bit more. “Deck nine,” she called as the doors slid shut, giving them privacy. Her hand slid to his, the other hand coming to meet it and giving it a gentle pulse as she leaned against him, offering her physical presence. When they finally gained their deck, it was empty, so Deanna laced her fingers through his and led him down the corridor.

She’d considered for long moments which cabin to go to—hers or his. They were nearly identical. They were equally comfortable with either. But she settled on his and continued on until reaching his door. His fingers twitched slightly, subconsciously tightening his hold on her hand. She made a mental note as the door slid shut. Home again.

Turning slightly to face him, Deanna gave him several long moments to absorb the familiar surroundings. From the little bit he had shared, it didn’t seem like this room had factored into his experience. But the intense emotion left her as breathless as he was for long moments. “C’mere,” she coaxed, guiding him as the first cry broke out. I’m right here with you, she sent him.

She took a seat on the sofa and used one hand on his arm to guide him down. “Let it out, Will,” she encouraged, knowing he needed the release. He was being swept away in the immediacy of the emotions and didn’t really seem to notice much more as she eased his head into his lap. Her left hand stroked through his hair, right arm wrapping around his chest and giving as much pressure as she could in hopes of grounding him to the moment.

The ache was intense, and Deanna knew she would be spending some time mediating later to let go of the residual emotions pouring out of him. But for now, she was simply here and present with him. “You’re here with me. We’re on the Enterprise. And you’re safe,” she murmured, offering soft but steady reassurances.

Minutes ticked by, and Will’s emotions ebbed and he shuddered before going lax and letting both the sofa and Deanna support his weight. “That was awful,” he breathed against her thigh.

“I know,” she agreed, rubbing his upper arm for a long moment before gently wiping moisture from his cheeks. “I know,” Deanna echoed again, “Don’t you dare apologize for that. You’ve been through a very difficult and traumatic experience.”  Her hands continued to move and offer soft words, her mind pressing gently at his. She was pleased when he gave a soft sound of contentment and opened a bit to her thoughts against his.

Deanna took her time thinking back through calmer times between them. Walks in the gardens at Betazed. Late night conversations in their own quarters. Drinks in Ten Forward. Dances shared. Dinners. Desserts. Late night walks on the decks. The warmest moments between them.

“In a little bit,” she said quietly, “you’ll need to drink something. Beverly will have my head if I let you get dehydrated. And maybe you’ll feel like eating something.” She could sense the weariness and exhaustion starting to tip toward something that might be sleepiness but there was a hesitation to it as well. “What’s stopping you from letting yourself fall asleep?”

He was still, enough that if she didn’t know him so well, she might have thought he was asleep. “The thought I might open up my eyes and be somewhere else again when I open them,” came his hollow reply, words a little muddled with congestion from his crying session. “I know it’s not sustainable for an officer.”

“For a person,” she countered.

“Want to stay here right now,” he breathed. His eyes, red and swollen from tears, slipped shut, and his breath hitched for a moment before evening out a bit more. Could you stay a little longer?

“I’ll be here,” she assured, hand flattening against his shoulders and rubbing in slow circles. “I’m staying with you.” She leaned down and pressed a warm kiss into his hair, continuing to offer soothing touches even as her own eyes slid shut, and she let herself drop into meditation as Will’s body gave way to the last of his tension, and she sensed his mind drift into slumber.

[crlmson-cloud]

SUSUMU NAKAMURA - THE KNIFE OF NEW YORK

‘It seems I no longer define who I am...

I was not meant to be him.’

> BASICS「基本」 → Susumu Nakamura [進・中村] → 31 → Shy and lonely → Homosexual → Manga Artist, but will become a music artist in the Marvel AU → Speaks Spanish, English, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese,  Italian and German → Nationality: Japanese/Irish → 5'9 before serum, 6'1 after > FACECLAIMS 「視覚」 [ PRE-SERUM MARKIPLIER  [ POST SERUM ] CHRIS EVANS

Videos taken of Susumu Nakamura at a manga convention, five weeks before he went missing. 

Experimental Copy of the Documents handed over by Susumu Nakamura, adapted by Angelo Sebastiani into a short story to tell of what happened. 

There were many emotions that Susumu was feeling within this moment. With his true self, he's finally managed to publish another manga, and Beijing was the first city that he was going to meet people at, finally. A chance to be with the fans, and a holiday from being a manga artist and book writer. And his husband needed a break from the modelling opportunities that he was getting. The name of the husband, you may ask? Nathaniel Huang.

A man of around the same age and popularity as the man that he's married. The love that he's had for years with him. Nathaniel, whenever Susumu felt that he was with him. He felt complete, well and truly, he felt complete. Susumu even based some parts of the manga around his husband because of the fact that Nathaniel inspired him so much with his manga. Susumu has done most of the manga however, being the one that's come up with the original ideas for the stories that are embedded within the nine hundred page behemoth of a book. But also within the intricate details of what happens throughout the story. Boarding the plane to Beijing from Tokyo. Susumu expresses his own fears of finding a hotel. Since everywhere may have been booked beforehand. The man looks down slightly and his husband reassures him that they'll find somewhere to stay for the night, even though the meet and greet was cheap and admittedly, a lot of people went through with wanting to meet them. 

* * * Five hours later, they manage to get to a hotel in Beijing as quickly as possible, before having to go into town square the following morning. Nathaniel looks longingly at a Captain America badge that someone was selling up at a market counter. Grabbing it, he decides to pay for it, as a present for his husband. Susumu thanked him quickly for the present and immediately wore it with happiness. Ever since the hero had gone missing, the popularity of his merchandise had been boosted in China. Meiguo Duizhang was becoming a staple of Chinese merchandise and strangely enough it had not been censored whatsoever when he went missing. Well, if he went missing, that is. The details were hazy upon the case of him. No one knew, and China, they were trying to find a new one in order to go through with trying to recreate him over and over. Even though the avengers originally promised that there would be another one if he was to ever step down. 'Wasn't your idol always Captain America when you grew up?' Nathaniel joked. 'Well, only when I found out the comics were being sold in Ireland.' Susumu responded, laughing slightly at what his husband had to say. 'But, yeah, I absolutely loved him.' 'Seems like the whole of China is going crazy over him.' 'Well isn't that obvious?' asks he. The Irish accent almost erupting from his voice as he asked. 'Hey-- calm down.' 'I am calm. What do you think we should do now?' 'Get something to eat, get some rest?' 'Sounds like a plan.' 'Quick question, babe?' 'Yuh-huh?' 'I'm just wondering, I have a meeting tomorrow morning, so are you good with just holding the panel on your own.' 'Yeah sure, I'm fine with that.' 'Alright, thank you.' Nathaniel says, hugging him tightly. A laugh erupting from his lungs slightly as he cuddles him. 'Stop crushing me with your hugs!' Later on within the night, they both had a romantic dinner and eventually, they both went to bed, cuddling together and eventually going to sleep. Susumu struggling more to go to sleep than Nathaniel. They decided to watch a film together, Susumu huddled up into Nathaniel's shirt. They kissed for a while, and they finally laid down. Holy hell he was excited. So excited for what tomorrow had to bring, so excited for whom he'd meet tomorrow. He eventually went to sleep with these thoughts within his head. * * * A few hours later, Susumu couldn't feel his husband by his side. He woke up, and only saw a bunch of black figures and Nathaniel in the background, instructing them all in Mandarin as to what to do with him. 'No! Get off me! I said get the fuck off me!' He shouts, they tried to bring him in but he continued to try to fight them off, that was until he felt a needle in the nape of his neck and was laid to rest once again through sedatives. What happened next, it's a much more darker story. He remembers these men trying to put him in a chamber, spraying him down with a lot of disinfectant before they started on him. Giving him his own clothes and then another injection to the back. China was obsessed with becoming the next power and this was one of the first ways of doing it. Susumu screams out as he feels himself getting pricked with needle. He felt himself grow larger with every injection that they made, and then they finally moved onto another part of him. 'Make him look like his crush, why don't you?' Nathaniel seemingly mocks him from the speakers. Susumu was shaking at this point, he still had a tan skin tone. His face was still all the same, still flawed. Still imperfect. He curled up into a ball and eventually was put to sleep yet again by sedatives. Although, the sedative didn't exactly work as intended. He felt everything, every single cut and prod that they pulled on him when they wanted to render him immaculate. How they changed his jawline, how they changed his skin tone. Everything. They changed everything about him. Up to the point where he was no longer recognisable as his normal self. 'Perfect...' Nathaniel says to himself as he looks down upon his quivering boyfriend in the corner of the room. Susumu didn't want to be perfect, he just wanted to be himself. 'What did you do to me?' He asks, looking up at his boyfriend. His voice croaking through. He had to stop himself from crying. 'I just wanted you to be more happy than you were before.' Nathaniel states to him. Shouting was then heard: 'No-- no why isn't the power fitting in with him?! You're saying it's his gene pool? What the fuck-- I've been trying my best to coax him into this for so long.' He shouts, lying to the people he's faithful to in the process. 'Only for it to fuck up because of his heritage?! I thought, I thought he could have fitted the genes. Give it to me! Give the fucking serum to me!' He hoped to wake up and see whether this was all a bad dream that he was having in his head. * * * Susumu eventually woke up in the hotel bedroom. He smiles softly as he begins to slowly think that it's nothing but a simple nightmare that he had. He gets out of bed. 'Nathaniel! Nathaniel, did you go for your meeting?' His voice hasn't changed in the slightest, it must have been a bad dream. he smiles even more widely. Relieved. 'Fuck he left, didn't even get to say good morning to him...' He then thinks to himself. Looking down at a table he notices a note completely in Japanese. 'Susumu, I've had a lot of fun with you over the past few years, but I've finally decided that we'd best go our separate ways. I hope you the best in the world and honestly, I really do hope that you feel happy. The reasons why I wanted to leave I'll disclose right here in this note. I no longer felt that spark that we once had back when we first met, I no longer felt that love for you that we once had. We both have such large differences, creatively and mentally that it's almost boggling as to how we got together. I'll admit, I'm so surprised that we lasted this long. I'm so sorry, Susumu. I loved you. I really did, but now I just can't keep that façade up for much longer. I'm so sorry. I hope you find happiness. Love Nathaniel xx' The man looks down at the note for a few minutes. Sitting back on the bed as he reads it, over, and over, and over again. He can't believe what he's seeing. He just wants to rip up the note. The feeling of being broken up with after a four year relationship made him feel sick to the stomach, he went into the bathroom, quickly, to get himself ready for his first meeting. He'll still be there. That's when he looked in the mirror. 'No . . . no . . . ' He lets out as he looks at himself. An arising fear beginning to grow and flourish within his body. He looked exactly like what Nathaniel wanted him to look like within the dream. Captain America. He has the brown, almost blonde hair, the chiselled jawline, the beautiful adonis like body that he had. He has everything about him. The only thing that Nathaniel didn't change about him was the beard. He kept that. The only thing that he kept about Susumu. When Susumu's fear starts to grow, he notices a shadow appear on the wall and break the mirror in front of him. He freezes for a moment. He was going to punch the mirror but that would be damage to property and he couldn't do that. 'Fuck--' He lets out as pieces of the mirror were all over the sink. He clenches his hand in anxiety as he wishes to fix the mirror again. Almost as if he could reset time, the mirror returned to its original state. No longer broken. Susumu looks down, noticing that there's still a piece of glass upon the tile floor. He picks it up and looks at the mirror. The mirror in reality was still broken. Thinking that he could get away with this, he changes his appearance to fit that with reality, although when he went out, a lot of people gave him strange looks, and some even called him by the name that he no longer wishes to be associated with. Meiguo duizhang. He went through with the meeting and a lot of people pointed out that he looked different to the profile photo that he shared of himself. Fuck this isn't working. The thought went through his head and thankfully, no footage of the meet and greet was ever posted on social media or was ever on the news. Susumu had to give back all the money that he gained, he hoped to give it to a charity that was about the poverty line. Helping those who were homeless. But now, there's no money. Susumu feels that he has no identity, nothing, he's left with nothing. His husband  fucked up his whole life. He got on the plane back to America and quickly set course for New York, on a panic flight. Not even knowing where he was going. He managed to get through to the airport through a loophole in the system. His fingerprint was still the same, and the Chinese airport checked everything. While it took a day or two, he had a new passport and he could get in. * * * Eventually, he managed to get back there and he walked through the alleyways in order to feel as if he was slightly safer, that's when he stumbled across a woman with a knife, threatening to stab and kill him if he didn't give her his money. The woman was caucasian, a ripe age and unfortunately had stumbled down into the black market and got herself into debt. She started driving the knife closer to his stomach. 'Give me the fucking wallet!' She screams out. A circle of darkness forms behind her and pulls her back onto the wall. Trapping her there. Susumu then quickly makes his escape and manages to get to his house, letting the woman go before doing so. He eventually stays in the house and he begins to break down completely. Curled up in a corner, taking deep breaths to avert the point of sensory overload. He continues to do this for around thirty minutes. Going into his room, he ends up making a mirage for someone else unintentionally. He looked out the window and created another vision of a car, completely totalled in front of a driver. The driver who witnessed it got out of his vehicle and went towards the wreck, only for the wreck to then disappear. Causing him to panic and run back to his car immediately. That's when he realises, that he can bend reality to his own will. 

[just-dreaming-marvel]

ONE HUNDRED FIFTY TWO - PETER (3)

LEGACY: A Tony Stark Daughter Story

FULL STORY MASTERLIST

ENDING THREE MASTERLIST

< previous

Word Count: 2,120ish

Summary: Bailey tries to reach out to Peter.

~~~

Four months later…

Bucky and I were still going strong. Everyone was extremely supportive of our relationship and Bucky and I actively worked to gather to help each other cope with our pasts. Morgan was the most supportive about our relationship, at least vocally. Her and Bucky were constantly up to no good. Steve and I’s friendship still wasn’t where either of us wanted it to be, but we kept trying. I had basically given up on trying to get Peter to open up to me, believing that he’d come to me in time.

The new Avengers Facility had finished construction about a month ago, though the world didn’t know that yet. We wanted to do a dedication ceremony. I insisted that we wait until we had formed a team before we did so. Bucky and I were the first residents of the facility, sharing a bedroom. We immersed ourselves in the Initiative, first on putting the world back together and then recruiting. I also immersed myself in Stark Industries. I was so busy that I barely had time to check in with anyone. 

One day, while I was busy working on paperwork, I received a call from May Parker. She asked me to support her fundraiser and told me that Peter would be there as Spider-Man to boost moral. She told me that it was later that night and that she’d love to see me there, hanging up before I could respond. I leaned forward, nervously biting my thumb nail and bouncing my leg. Footsteps were heard coming from behind me, but I didn’t care. Strong hands came in contact with my shoulders and began massaging them.

“Why all the nervous energy?” Bucky wondered. 

I leaned back into the man as he continued to massage. “May Parker just called.”

“And?”

“And I’m a disappointment to my father… I haven’t been keeping tabs on the kid like I should be.”

“You’ve had a lot on your plate. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

“He’s basically my brother, Buck. Dad was the closest thing he’s had to a father in a long time. He’s been mourning his death too, and I haven’t been there for him.”

“What does this have to do exactly with May calling?”

“There’s a fundraiser tonight for those who’ve been displaced because of the blip. She asked if Stark Industries would donate and I attend. Peter’s going to be there as Spider-Man.”

“You should go.”

I looked up at him. “You think so?”

“I do.” He bent down and pecked my lips. “And, May apparently called Pepper first, who then called me to help get you there.”

“Those little she-devils,” I grumbled.

Bucky chuckled as he pecked my hairline. “I have an outfit laid out for you on our bed and a car waiting for you out front.”

I stood up, turning around and dropping my arms over his neck. “What would I do without you?”

“Never actually make a decision.”

“You’re probably right.” I shrugged.

He pecked my lips again. “Go get changed and see the kid. I’ll be waiting for you when you get home.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” He turned me around and gave my butt a little smack. “Now go.”

I laughed as I walked away. My favorite outfit was waiting for me me, laid out on my bed as promised. I slowly got changed and ready, nervous the whole time. I just hoped that Peter didn’t hate me. In taking care of myself, Pepper, and Morgan, I had completely forgotten about my brother. There was a driver waiting for me in the car but I told him that I wanted to drive myself. I hopped in the driver’s seat, rolled down all the windows, and sped out of there. I took the long way into the city, trying to clear my head. I ended up being there thirty minutes late. I took a deep breath before exiting the car. I was looking down, putting the keys in my bag when I bumped into someone.

“Opps, sorry,” the man apologized.

I quickly looked up. There stood Happy, holding a giant check with Pepper’s signature on it. “Happy? What are you doing here?”

“Pepper couldn’t make it and asked me to deliver this.” He held the check up.

“She knew I was coming. Why didn’t she just ask me?”

“Uhh… Well… you see… She didn’t--“

“Oh,” I nodded in realization. “I get it, Happy.” I patted his shoulder, giving him a knowing smirk. “You’re here to see May.”

“I don’t know wha—“

“Don’t worry.” I winked as I began to walk inside backwards. “I’ll keep your little secret.” I turned around.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Bailey!”

“You can’t hide anything from me, Hap!  I’m a mind reader, remember?”

I entered the ballroom just in time to see Spider-Man awkwardly giving the audience a thumbs-up. They were all clapping and cheering for him. 

“Thank you Spider-Man,” May said as she went up to the mic. “He’ll be right back out to take photos and videos, thank you!”

The two headed backstage. I wandered over to the stage and found my to the back. By the time I got there, Happy was already making awkward small-talk with May and Peter was very confused while watching the interaction. 

“Anyway, the reason I’m late is because this was misplaced,” Happy stated. It was a stupid excuse and I didn’t have to read his mind to tell it wasn’t true. “Can you believe it? Because it’s enormous. Not the amount, the size. The amount and the size.”

“Oh,” May laughed.

“The very generous Pepper Potts, said—“

“Thank you.”

“—she’s sorry she couldn’t be here.”

“But she did send me in her place,” I interrupted. The three of them quickly turned to look at me. “I hope that’s okay.”

“Bailey,” May came up and engulfed me in a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

“You too May.” She pulled away and I faced Peter. “Hey Pete.”

“Hey B,” he quietly responded.

“I think I’m going to go change the stereo under the vegan lasagna,” May stated as she took the check from Happy and turned to Peter. “Spider-Man, go shake hands.”

“Will do,” Peter responded as May left. He nervously hugged me. I inhaled his scent as he did the same with me. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” We pulled away but my hands found his shoulders. “I’m sorry for failing to be there for you.”

“I’m fine.” I raised a questioning brow at him. “Really, B. I’m fine.”

“Okay.” I was unconvinced.

“Heads up,” Happy cut in. “Nick Fury is calling you.” 

“Nick Fury’s going to call me?” Peter questioned.

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Peter and I asked at the same time.

“Why? Because he probably has some hero stuff for you to do. You’re a superhero. He calls superheroes.”

“Well, I mean if it was really that important, he’d probably call someone else. Like Bailey. Not me.” Peter’s phone began ringing.

“Apparently not.” Happy said as Peter pulled his phone out from the bag. The three of us looked down at the phone. “No caller ID. That’s him.”

“I don’t really want to talk to Nick Fury.”

“Answer the phone,” Happy demanded.

“Why?’ 

“Because if you don’t talk to him, then I have to talk, and I don’t want to talk to him.” 

“Why don’t you want to talk to him?”

“Because he’s scared,” I answered.

“Just answer the phone,” Happy said as he glared at me. Peter held up his phone and declined the call. 

“You sent Nick Fury to voicemail?” 

“Yeah.”

“You don’t send Nick Fury to voicemail!”

“Did you hear that? They’re calling me. I got to go.” Peter started to back away. “I got to go.” 

“You got to talk to him.”

“I’m going to call him. I promise you. I’m going to call him. I will.”

“You do not ghost Nick Fury!” 

“I promise you, I’ll call him.” And then Peter was gone.

I sighed, very confused. “Why would Fury call you and Peter but not me?” I wondered. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“I don’t understand the way that man thinks,” Happy replied.

I made my way out to see how things were going with Peter. He was standing just off the stage, surrounded by people bombarding him with questions.

“What is it like to take over for Tony Stark,” a heard someone ask. I froze and could feel Peter’s anxiety grow. “Those are some big shoes to fill.”

“I’m, uh…” Peter was at a loss for words. “I’m gonna go. Thanks so much everyone, for coming.” 

He quickly left out an open window. I rushed out of the building after him. I couldn’t find him from where I was standing. I sulked back to my car, trying to think of anything in there that I could use to find him. Ever since Tony died, I’d stopped wearing the nanotech suit. I hadn’t put it on since that day. I had even made myself a new one, but never had the nerve to try it out. I threw my head back when I sat down in the drivers seat. I went to start the car when I noticed a post-it note on the glove box. It simply said, ‘open it’. I opened it to find another post-it note on top of my new bracelet.

I read the note out loud to myself, “I thought you might need this. You got this. Love, Bucky.” I chuckled. “You just think of everything don’t you?” 

I slipped on the bracelet as I exited the car. I got out my phone and quickly texted one of my in city assistants to pick up my car. After slipping my phone into my pocket, I pressed the button and activated my suit.

“Good evening, Miss Stark,” FRIDAY greeted.

“Good evening, FRI. Locate Peter for me will you?”

“He’s a few buildings down, on the roof.”

“Let’s go talk to him then.”

I flew up and FRIDAY took me to him. I silently came up behind him. He was crouched down, mask off, staring at the Iron Man mural on the building over.

 I landed, making my suit disappear. I could feel the sadness rolling of off him. He wasn’t okay, and I became determined that he wouldn’t have to go through these feelings alone anymore. 

“I only heard the last question,” I spoke up, “and I’m sorry. They shouldn’t have asked that.” No response. “The responsibility of being the next Iron Man does not fall on you. It doesn’t need to fall upon anyone. We both know that there’s only one Iron Man.”

Peter stood up and turned around. His eyes were red and puffy. My heart broke a bit at the sight. Peter was the reason Tony choose to fight to bring everyone back. I couldn’t let Peter know that but I needed to be better at doing what my father would want.

“Oh, Peter,” I took some steps forward. “I’m so sorry that I haven’t been there for you. I’ve only been concerned about myself that I forgot that Morgan and I weren’t his only kids.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me,” he rushed out his lie. “You have a lot on your plate.”

“And you should be one of those things. So from now on, I’m going to be better. How about you come stay a few days at the Facility once summer starts? Bucky and I would love to have you.”

“I would lov—“ He quickly shook his head when he fully took in what I had said. “Wait a minute— Did you say you and Bucky? As in like Bucky Barnes? The Winter Soldier?”

“Yes… um… yeah, him and I are kind of dating.” I could feel a tinge of hurt from him. He was sad that I had time for a new relationship but not for him. “Peter, I—“ I reached out for him.

“Thanks for the offer, Bailey. But I’m going on a school trip to Europe this summer.” He slipped on his mask. “I’ve got to go.” A web shot out and he swung away.

My head fell back as an unsteady sigh left my lips. I knew that going after him right now wouldn’t fix anything so I formed my suit around me and flew home. When I landed outside the facility, I could feel that Bucky was in our bedroom. I didn’t want to talk about Peter just yet, so I went straight to the lab and began working on fixing my suit.

next >

[calliecat93]

Star Trek TOS Liveblog: The Man Trap

This will be the third time ever watching this one. The first time was when I was fifteen, and I wasn’t impressed. The second time was back in January and while I ranked it pretty low (2/5 IIRC) it was okay, but nothing great. Will that change now having seen the whole series, thus the new insight might change my opinion for better or worst? Well, let us find out~!

This is technically a McCoy episode, so it DOES already win more favor now that he’s my absolute favorite. First two times all I knew about him was that he was a doctor and... that was it. Seriously, McCoy needs more love in popular media and not just for the ‘I am a doctor, not x’ and ‘He’s Dead Jim’ jokes.

The first episode broadcast, and they get the McKirk dynamic perfect instantly. Mind you this was the fifth episode produced, but still this was the 60’s audience first time meeting Kirk and McCoy and this would be the first dynamic introduced to them. And right of the bat, it’s so good. Kirk teasing McCoy about his ex and the flowers bit, haha! Plus the fact that Kirk felt the need to mention that Nancy is McCoy’s ex in his Captain’s Log amuses me for some reason.

I didn’t appreciate how freakin’ amazing an actor DeForest Kelley was the first time around (and not the second time with this episode specifically either), but the way he performs McCoy’s clear anxiety, anticipation, and nervousness about meeting Nancy again... God I love this man~ Also McCoy’s real cute when he’s lovestruck, haha~

“He’s all yours Plum... Dr. McCoy” Jim is just enjoying every moment of finding out about Bones’ love life/messing with Bones over his love life and I love it XD McCoy’s face at that haha~!

Darnell, the first causality of Star Trek. Just missing the red shirt to make it all complete haha~

Sorry your flirting didn’t work out Uhura, but don’t worry! You’ll have better luck in an alternate timeline~!

Aww first McKirk fight. But hey, they make up like... five minutes later. Did I mention that McKirk is an underrated dynamic/ship (I did) ? Cause this is such good McKirk material.

I forgot how freakin’ creepy the Salt Monster is...

I SO wish that we’d had more of Sulu being a plant nerd in-show. Rand was also really fun in this one, which with how she’s treated in all of her other episodes... God she had so much wasted potential.

Is this the only time we ever see McCoy in his quarters? I need to look that up later... also I think I saw somewhere that he and Spock are neighbors going off their nameplates which of course they would be XD

Kirk talking serious business while casually eating some colored stuff on the bridge. Dork.

...okay yeah this episode is definitely hitting me harder this time than the last two times. Like last time I didn’t know about McCoy enough to either feel bad or be worried about him... while this time the ’OMG LADY IF YOU DO ANYTHING TO MCCOY I WILL RIOT AND NO ME ALREADY KNOWING WHAT HAPPENS DOESN’T CHANGE THAT FACT!!!’ feeling is now in high gear.

McCoy, despite clearly still having feelings for her, keeping himself together and not reciprocating Nancy’s advances because she’s a married woman. He’s a good man. I will admit to laughing when Nancy says that she likes him more because his feelings are stronger though, because OF COURSE McCoy’s feels strong emotions all the time haha~!

Considering that she’s under his command in The Undiscovered Country, I’d really like to have sen more Sulu and Rand friendship. It was cute in this episode~

Again, because I failed to appreciate how good of an actor that De was the first time around, I didn’t appreciate how well he did as McCoy whose really Nancy disguised as McCoy. He’s legit creepy with how coldly calculative and subdued (especially compared to how passionate and upfront that McCoy normally is in comparison), yet twitchy and unhinged due to the desperation for salt that the creature is. All the little physical motions that he does as they interrogate Crater, clearly on edge with said motions and body language at the possibility of being exposed. Acting as your character actually being another character acting as your character is not easy to do, but De absolutely nailed it. Why they waited until Season 2 to give him a starring credit I’ll never know.

Love how clearly Spock’s already suspecting that something’s not right with McCoy. When McCoy isn’t being an illogical, over-emotional human, he just knows that something is horribly, horribly wrong even this early on XD Too bad he got injured in the process and all, but meh not the worst that’ll happen to him.

Poor McCoy wakes up to his best friend telling him that his ex is dead while she’s screaming about him wanting to kill her and God what did he do to the universe to deserve this?

Okay admittedly McCoy not being willing to shoot when he’s seeing Nancy clearly doing something to Jim (even if he doesn’t know what) might have been pushing it a bit much... but tbf he’s still clearly shocked/processing what the Hell is happening, just woke up form being drugged, and struggling with his feelings plus he doesn’t like to harm anyone cause doctor and all, so... maybe pushing it but I can believe why he’s in denial despite what’s happening right in front of him.

Ah the one thing that can break Spock’s logical Vulcan demeanor and get outright violent even this early on: Jim being in danger. Glad we got that right first episode... fifth... whatever!

And McCoy kills the image of his former lover to save his best friend’s life even when she begs to him for her not to... again, what did he do to the universe to deserve this? But on the upside he chose to do it to save him so... can I count that as a McKirk moment? Yeah sure, we’ll count it even if it hurts.

Te ending is kind of solemn. McCoy’s clearly not over what just happened, and God who could blame him? Kind of a bummer that he got no real closure, and knowing him it’s just another scar that he’ll carry and keep covered up along with all the others. Hopefully Jim at least gave him some support.

So yeah... I honestly DID really like this better this time. It’s still not the best episode, but it’s by no means a bad one. I’d boost the 2/5 rating to a 3/5 rating and take it off the Least Favorite S1 Episodes list, but we’ll see how I feel when I let it settle and watch it again for the review. Either way... God McCoy needs a hug after this. Oh and I almost began writing a whole McCoy meta regarding this episode (and some For the World is Hollow... added for good measure) which got long enough to require it’s own post that I’ll get to soon. But yeah some nice McKirk, creepy salt monster, excellent DeForest Kelley acting, Sulu and Rand being cute, and it was a decent episode. Though IDT it was the bet to be the premiere once it would have been stronger if the audience had gotten to know McCoy’s character better prior, but that’s the business for you. Was very much worth looking at again~!

[jumnthepurestbean]

Aahdfl your posts are super cute!!! Can I request the RFA+Saeran/V/Vanderwood (if you can) meeting MC's very big and equally overwhelmingly loving family because I need family fluff in my life and some of these people need in-laws to adopt them

asdfksdjflsd when I saw this ask I literally had to get out of bed and go get my lap top to answer it. I’ve been coming back to this ask all day, so it’s really long but I love it. Thank you so, so much for this idea!

RFA+Saeran+V+Vanderwood x MC with Large Loving Family

Jumin

Okay so Jumin Han is already such a family man

He’s the dad of the RFA

So when he discovers that MC has such a large family is pleasantly surprised.

Now that MC is in is life, he considers MC’s family his family.

He’s excited at the prospect of having so many people that matter to MC

He first meets MC’s parents and is expects them to like him (who wouldn’t want their child to marry someone like Jumin Han?) but he didn’t expect them to love him so much.

Immediately they’re so loving. “Jumin we’ve heard so much about you! We’re so excited to finally meet you!” and they’re inviting him to family outings.

Which he wants nothing more. Even if it’s MC’s second cousin’s soccer game DANG IT HE WILL TAKE OFF WORK TO GO SEE THAT!

The first time he meets everyone is probably at one of MC’s family reunions

He’s never felt like he comes into a place and is immediately accepted.

People are genuinely interested on what he has to say

Let me just say that Jumin loves his father and no one could ever replace Chairman Han

They understand each other on a different level and Chairman Han has provided him nothing but unconditional love

But damn it’s nice to have some normal family love.He will get to know every person in MC’s family.

He has a calendar for their birthdays, special events and anything else he plans to attend

Yoosung

Okay so at first Yoosung is nervous

Meeting his girlfriend’s parents is another thing but she has a lot of siblings???

Deep concern

MC’s father invites Yoosung to dinner so they can meet.

NERVOUSNESS INTENSIFIES

But when he walks in the door he hears “IT’S YOOSUNG!”

A bunch of little kids of various ages come running in and look at him.He blinks as he’s getting all the attention and is pulled into the house by them.

MC is the oldest sibling so her bringing over a boyfriend who wants to be a vet and likes playing video games is so cool

This really boosts up his confidence

Plus he’s not the shortest person! Yay!

He meets MC’s father who has a toddler on his hip but smiles kindly to Yoosung

It becomes very obvious that a mother is not in the picture.While MC and Yoosung are alone doing the dishes (Yoosung insisted! Despite the fact that he rarely does his own dishes but shhhhh)

He wants to ask and MC can tell

“My mom passed away a few years ago.”

Yoosung nearly dropped his plate he was cleaning “MC I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Yoosung. It hurts but I still have everyone. And you.”Yoosung keeps it together and kisses MC’s forehead

But when he gets back to his apartment HE CALLS HIS MOM AND TELLS HER HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER DANG IT

Zen

“Zenny, how many tickets could you get me for your next show?”

Zen lazily puts his arm around MC “Probably 3 or 4. Why?”

“My parents really want to come to your next show and I think it would be a good way to meet you.”

Zen raises an eyebrow, “Oh really? I’ll see what I can do.”

Zen is pretending to be super calm and chill but oh god this makes him nervous as all hell.

He’s going to have to perform knowing that MC’s parents are in the audience.

No pressure...

The night comes out and he tries to peek around the curtain to see if he can see MC or her parents but with no luck.

He calms himself down but looking at picture of MC on his phone. He is going to be as amazing as he always is.

He of course performs wonderfully

When he goes for the curtain call he hears a lot more applause. Which isn’t too strange because he has many fans that love his performances but this seems more eager.

When he finishes and goes to the lobby to find MC he find her parents with flowers.

They then go on about how amazing he was in the performance. They’re so excited he can barely get a word in. There’s so much praise he starts blushing.What on earth was nervous about???

They go out to dinner and after MC’s parents calmed down (”Mom, dad! Please let Zen say something”) he realizes how great they are.

Also MC has a bunch of siblings? He’s going to have invite them all to his next performance.

After the night dies down and MC and Zen are cuddled up in the bed he thinks about the events of the night.

“Hyun, why are you crying?”

Zen blinks and wipes at his face. He gives a shrug and smiles. “I’m just happy.”

Jaehee

K so I actually have an OC that I’ve been wanting to match with Jaehee specifically because she has a giant family and let’s be real that’s what Jaehee needs.

So this response is based a bit off what I imagine Jaehee and my OC’s relationship.

The first time she is introduced to MC’s family she is pretty stiff and very formal

MC’s parents try to get her out of her shell and be the woman that MC has told them so much about but Jaehee just isn’t having any of it.MC knows what happened to Jaehee’s family and all the hurt she’s suffered.

“How about I invite my parents to the cafe?”

“The cafe??”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun. Especially if my brothers and sisters come. They’re kids, they love sweets.”

It takes some convincing but Jaehee finally decides that it would be a good idea.

They pick a day that’s slow so Jaehee and MC can have time socialize without ignoring any regular costumers.

Jaehee is still working on the sweets when MC’s family comes in. She knew that MC had a lot of siblings but it was starting to get a little overwhelming.

MC gently puts a hand on Jaehee’s shoulder and introduces her to her siblings.

They all excitedly watch her finish up the sweets which puts pressure on her.But once she gets into the groove of making her sweets, she starts to relax a little.

Her anxiety spikes when she actually has to give them

But once she sees that they love them, it makes her relax so much more.

She may tear up a little when MC’s parents say how proud they are of her for following her dreams and creating such a successful business

But the true turning point where Jaehee finally lets herself be herself with MC’s family is around Christmas time.

Each year MC’s family get dressed in horrible Christmas sweaters and take a family photo. Jaehee goes over to Christmas but is fully prepare to watch on the sidelines until she receives an ugly sweater and is in the picture.

Ahhh my heart

Seven

Tries to avoid meeting MC’s family

He knew because of his research that she had a large family

And he already didn’t want to bring MC into this life of danger

So now bringing so many people into his life was really hard for him

MC finally explains to him the part he didn’t know about her life.Her parents are actually her foster parents

She talks about how she bounced around from foster home to foster home. Always getting in trouble and being so angry at the world for the cards she was delt

But then she landed with her foster family. They worked with her and gave her the love that she needed

That gets him to agree to at least meet her parents.

Once meeting them he can understand how they could have done what they did for MC

They’re so kind and patient.

At first Seven is trying to be his old jokey self as a defense mechanism

They’re not annoyed or anything they’re just patient with him

In the end he’s so happy that MC had this life

And maybe he could have that life too

Saeran

Nervous wreck

Does everything he can to avoid meeting MC’s family.

He really worries that he’s not good enough for MC

So MC starts out with baby steps...or in the case toddler steps!

She first introduces Saeran to one of her younger siblings

At first he’s still nervous but he handles being around children a little bit easier

They walk around Saeran’s garden to make him even more comfortable.

At some point MC’s sibling toddles up to him and offers him a flower they plucked out of the earth.

It still has roots and is dirty but it’s one of the best gifts he’s ever received.

Bends down and thanks them and then explains to the toddler what the flower means.

The toddler doesn’t understand but that’s okay.

Slowly Saeran works up the courage to finally meet MC’s parents.

MC asks if he wants to them in the garden but he says no he’s going to meet them for dinner.He works very hard to prepare dinner with MC (she helped him learned some cooking skills and he’s gotten pretty good!)

He’s still a nervous wreck and nearly has panic attacks on multiple occasions but knows that this will make MC happy so he’s going to do it.

MC had told her parents a little bit about Saeran and they know to be very patient with him

Not they aren’t already but they just know a little bit as to what to expect.

He’s quiet at first but eventually he starts to open them up.After a really long time of healing Saeran is so grateful to have MC’s parents and siblings in general.

V

V agrees to meet MC’s parents but like Jaehee he is very formal and almost stiff

He’s not rude or anything but it’s clear he’s keeping his distance

This is due to a variety of reasons

First, MC’s parents’s opinion of him is very important. He does not want to mess that up and he honestly wouldn’t know what to do if they had a negative opinion of him. So there’s that.

Plus, he still struggles with opening up to people.He is getting better at that and not keeping all his secrets to himself but MC’s family is not someone he wants to make a bad impression on.This goes on for a while of V being pleasant but keeping a distance

That is until the idea of MC’s parents going to one of his photo galleries

He agrees but is unsure internally

When MC’s parents see his photos they are absolutely blown away. Their positive reaction makes V open up just a bit more.It is clear to MC’s family that V has a lot of his own baggage.

At one point, when MC’s mother is able to have a moment alone with her she asks. “Do you worry about hurting people?”

V is taken aback by the question. He thinks about it for a moment and then nods. “Yes.”

“Jihyun, do you know what I think hurts people more than sharing burdens?”

V shook his head.

“Knowing that someone you love has a burden but they feel like they can’t share it with you.”

K.O.

He may not ever tell his secrets to MC’s family (and that’s okay with them) but he does let his own personality shine through and eventually creates a great relationship with MC and her family.

Vanderwood

At first is completely against meeting MC’s parents.

He is still use to the agency rules of not having a family

He barely wanted to bring MC into all of it, let alone her family

Too many risks

“Vanderwood, you aren’t in the agency anymore. You can have a new life.”

But after a long time he finally decides to go to their house for dinnerIs shook when he sees how many siblings MC has

How does MC keep track of them all???

But amazingly the house is so clean.

How the heck is Seven so dirty but there’s a dozen people in this house and it’s spotless???

Immediately the kiddos want to play with Vanderwood’s cape/jacket/thing

“Whoa that’s such a cool pattern!” “I want one!” “Can I try it on???”

“Um...okay?” He puts it on one and it’s so big.

When MC’s parents come out they burst out laughing see the young child wander around in the oversize article of clothing

After an evening at MC’s place he realizes how much he missed these types of connections.

He really enjoys himself.

On the way back, Vanderwood quietly takes MC’s hand. “Maybe...maybe I could get Seven to find my family.”

MC squeezes his hand back. “I think that’s a great idea.

If you’re feeling generous then go over to my ko-fi!

[thelostandforgottenangel]

Good Morning everyone! I'm back!

 I am happy to say that it is over, any reported harassment's against me were investigated; I had to send so much crap in and was told to wait; I was not guaranteed anything but it is luckily over and I can move past that and enjoy my followers and dear Tumblr family once again

Thank you for the few who gave me the support; I did get the messages whoever you are, I really would like to put a face to them but will not post them publicly to keep everyone safe. 

Now I want to take this time to apologize to everyone for whatever I did because for the two people I had contact with talked me out of a very permanent plan to officially leave here if I lost my page after many years of being able to confide in people who cared and built me up because this is my safe zone; my safe haven away from my reality which I do need my escape to forget for just a second. 

Returning to Tumblr after a forced hiatus, I was just happy to be back and check on my loved ones; getting my new phone in and finally having access to the internet again had me so happy until I got a message I did not fully understand

Now I had just returned; I had no clue what was going on when this happened and, yes, it upset me deeply to be delighted to talk to somebody I considered a friend and instead while replying to ask how they were doing wanting to be sure they were okay ((Understanding the person had been having troubles before I vanished I was looking in on a friend)) before the chat showed they had blocked me right after

Like everyone on here except one person; there is no way to contact me if I go missing. If I am not here due to I either: 1.) not having internet thanks to the person in control of it or 2.) functioning with a broken phone meaning - I did not get updates unless it was somebody who knew who to contact

I had no other way of reaching out since the friend is no longer active here after leaving months ago.

I had no clue what was transpiring and, Lexi, who anyone who has followed me since the beginning, is my lovely Anonymous penpal who sends me writing ideas for stories and the only real reason I left anonymous asks active because she, like me, suffers from extreme anxiety was trying to boost positivity for me because she understood my situation and the place I am in

I understand now she contacted a lot of people looking for me because; my anon messaging was finally turned off weeks before I left right after I stood up to my bully – I am sorry for that I did not get to say goodbye to anyone because it happened without warning and to those who knew what was going on I knew you would understand, and I know I worried a few people, it was never my plan to be such an inconvenience 

Now at some point in the last few days, I had a dear friend send me some things in a submission that I never saw and wish I never had, thankfully; I know now, and for the sake of their sanity and to keep from adding any more drama or toxic actions to our wonderful fandom, they will remain unnamed because I do not want them catching any hate

Nobody here deserves hate.

So I will not be posting the original nor will I release the creator's name; this was a problem between us it stays between us because I do not wish ill on you; I hope you are successful and are having no more issues, I know returning to my page and not seeing any anon hate in my box after ten days is very refreshing for a change

I have seen everything said about me in three possibly four separate posts since it was all sent to me as one with little separations in-between, and I’m okay with it; I guess I have to accept this is how you feel I have nothing else to say on the matter

What you are saying is fine; I’m not going to let it get me, that is your opinion, and as human's, we are all allowed to have an opinion 

Now, I don't know if you will see this, but I don’t think you are crazy in any way; I think you are intelligent and you have a huge heart; in our IM's you told me about your disorder also about you mental problem and like I said there I still understand; it runs in my family and, thankfully it bypassed me; but I still have compassion for those battling mental illnesses since I do have a few myself

I didn’t know about the ask you got until you mentioned it before I returned, and since mentioned by my best friend that she got one too earlier in the day I already knew who you were talking about

I had just seen it when I got blocked, and I didn’t fully get to read it until this morning when I was finally able to log on, and yes, I privately told you who that anon was because I had told her what a sweet person you were encouraging her to friend you, I have no idea how I lied but it is okay too

I was not here for those hate messages nor was I involved in anything I get too much hate daily when I am here to even dream of sending it but, nobody will believe me except anyone who has ever interacted with me

In your post, you warned people about three of those five people (Again; the ones I know about will not be named) 

I only tried to interact once with your Raph; the response was enough to discourage me from ever trying again; you were stressed I got that because of everything going on I can only imagine you felt like it was an attack, I did not want an RP I just needed somebody to talk to that night, and, for once I didn't go directly to private messages as I do with everyone, that was my fault so I deserved the blow up even if I did not know about that RP until you explained. I apologized, profusely because I felt bad for bringing up – it was to talk, something many know I am not good at, I didn’t know the subject would hurt you; we had never interacted but you had offered to interact with me at one time if I needed you and trying to heal I attempted to reach out on the only thing I had seen on your page a long time ago

I don't get to RP for me haven't for a long while now, but I try to make others happy

But I am sorry I made an effort to reach out; you didn't need that

So if you are in the TMNT fandom, please be cautious because I only seem cause problems for the people I care for

You blocked me, you have your reasons, and yes, I do respect them and, after this post, it is in the past; I hope you are doing and getting along well

And guys, I can’t and will not give the name of this person or do it privately because I don’t want them catching any hate, but please, by all means, if you ever find their blog follow them; they are so talented and deserve so much love from this fandom

Lastly, while I will be staying on Tumblr because I do not want to leave any of you, I will be making several changes to my several pages soon to make sure this never happens again and to all my followers; I love you guys, and for that, I will no longer be posting struggles on here anymore even though I only gave you guys a penny in a 10-gallon bucket because I needed comfort that was too much; my problems are my burden, not yours; and I can not say how sorry I am that I ever put that on any of you

Nobody needs to know what their friends are dealing with when we come here to be happy because it is too much to put on anyone not personally dealing with it, so you will only see the sadness in my stories and only see the struggle in my art 

My ask box will be open; anon will alternate day to day but, any hate I hope not to see will be deleted immediately; if your face is on the lovely message; you will be blocked right there just like the last 12 people since quarantine started for me in February

Also, while I am still here *this is a scheduled post it is 4 a.m. my time will post, hopefully after I am asleep cause my sleep schedule is grossly off* I do not want ANY hate streaming from this post, I know my followers will not do that to anyone; this is just me getting it out of my system 

We are breaking the chain of toxicity right here! We were not meant to be friends in this lifetime but maybe the next

Tumblr, at one point, was always a beautiful, safe place for many of us who needed a way out of our situations; and when I joined in 2014 as a supernatural blog I was run off, then I came back again in 2016 for TMNT and found my family some of us just wanted a place to be us; to not be judged for who we were, it needs to go back to that for all of its members soon.

We have already lost way too many wonderful creators from here let's not lose any more

And if you have noticed a difference in the last three months, mostly pertaining to my writing; I downloaded Grammarly and started taking classes with my old English teacher on ZOOM who, bless her heart, had to deal with my dumbass in school because I suck at punctuality.

I was very self-conscious about admitting that, but somebody reminded me there is no shame in learning something again and I have been working hard

[toadallytickles]

How did you begin to open up about your tickle fetish as you got older?

Hello! Sorry for taking a while to get to this! Good question!

If you have been a long-time-follower or go through my archive (I also horribly tagged things and a lot of my pieces of writing are buried), I thank this community on Tumblr for helping me come to accept tickling as a kink and interest, and for giving me confidence and helping me love myself. It really all started when I joined this community and put myself out there with my content and tag-talking and interacting with others. I started off really embarrassed and ashamed for liking tickling, I thought to myself I would never tell anyone or have a session or attend NEST. I had low self-esteem and was insecure about my body too so I just thought no one would ever like me or want to play with me as well. Yeah, I used to be really cruel and mean to myself.

Though I started making friends, and people would compliment me and would want to be my friend. We would tickle talk and they would tease me, even before sharing my first photoset for 200 followers! At the time, mistressboston was my favourite blog, I really enjoyed her blog and content. And it was the biggest compliment and confidence boost when she would reblog my photos, hehe~!

Through interacting with other members who shared the one thing we are in the community for, understanding each other and our insecurities, sharing body photos and being complimented and praised, making genuine friends, I felt loved and accepted- I felt at home. Their love fueled enough love in me to be able to start loving myself back.

When I started having meet-ups and actually playing, I realized that I am very young and inexperienced, and that I wanted to play and explore with multiple people, but back then I thought it was either committing to one person and playing with one person for the rest of my life, or remaining single and playing until I’m ready to settle. So I gave myself the mindset of staying single and playing and exploring with close friends who want to do that with me. I didn’t like how my college friends had relationships and dates and could talk about them, but I couldn’t because my mindset was ‘unusual’ and I didn’t want to confess my kinky side or the tickling thing yet. I got tired of hiding this side of myself- I felt there was nothing wrong with wanting to play around and explore, so I proved that to myself by confessing to some close college friends. I have written a post on my first time confessing actually. It was extremely tough, I was so embarrassed and nervous to confess, I remember being so nauseous too and wanting to cry! He took it really well though and didn’t care at all. Also I did ask days later if he’d want to play sometime and he said no HAHA. That’s easily respectable though~ But I did that!

Yeah. With the support from the Tumblr community and sharing content and playing and being kind to myself, it got easier to confess and open up about it to other people. I have no problem telling people I’m kinky- I do share the tickling part if I’m closer with them.

Having tickling and this lifestyle is just a piece of me- it doesn’t define me entirely. Like I love animals and nature, I’m very knowledgeable on species, I like to Photoshop, I’m a good person and a good friend, I won an animation competition in high school, I’m scared of leeches, I’m a Pisces, I think “egg” is hilarious, and I like tickling. It is just a piece of the puzzle of me. And everyone who knows has been super cool and accepting of it. I have also been robbed of most of my life so far due to being bullied and suffering from social anxiety. Life is short, though also long. And I am not this young forever. I won’t be 20 or in this youthful body forever. Of course when I am older I will be more mature and experienced, I will still likely be playing and exploring, the fun doesn’t end- but I don’t want to regret anything or miss anything like I have been doing growing up. I want to enjoy my physical youth while I still have it. I’m very fortunate to be getting out and exploring this young. My even younger self would not believe it.

I’ve just been fortunate to have made great friends who accept me for me. I’ve never had a negative response before. Though I am selective with who I get close with and tell. As for being kinky and living this lifestyle, that’s just.. me now! I have always been open and honest with who I am as I don’t like to play games, I like to put everything out there, and wish for the same back. I like open and honest people too! And now that I have been playing and exploring, attending the gatherings for a year, it is my lifestyle now, and from having it in my life, that has normalized tickling and playing with friends.

I don’t know how to end this. Though yeah.. a lot of my journey to coming to acceptance with this kink and myself is from the help of this community. I know the site can be weird and hateful, its so unfortunate because there are really good people in this community and I personally know that and I thank them so much from the bottom of my heart. They didn’t have to be kind and welcoming or give me the time of day- but they did, and exceeded that. And I’m forever grateful and thankful. Now I can use my love, confidence and experience to help others on their journeys. 

Surround yourself with good people. Surround yourself with people who like you for you, and help you like yourself too.

Thanks so much.

[justlightthefirstspark]

As promised, my analysis/opinion/thought piece on today’s MUWFC game vs Spurs. Everything is chronological which I feel like should go without saying but in the interest of clarity 🤷🏽‍♀️ but not everything is tagged to the minute cause I am an idiot that didn’t realise that that would be helpful til like the 2nd half. Also, if I missed anything, or got players mixed up or anything pls lemme know and I’ll edit accordingly! I’ve never really done any from of sports based writing before (I don’t think tweets count lol) so pls be nice, merci 😘

Line up as follows, I guess this is pretty common knowledge but you know, coherency and such.

Tbh it was kinda hard to see *a lot* of this game, especially on the far side of the pitch and by both goals because of the weather, felt like I was watching Silent Hill for a little while there, but I did my best. My wifi is also horrendous atm, and we all know that the FA Player can be problematic so there’s a very good chance I might have missed something due to a lag or buffering btw. Just drop me an ask if you notice anything that mightn’t be quite right, and I’ll fix it asap! Some ~analysis~ (if you could call it that lol) is more detailed than other bits cause there was a lot happening and today I learned that it’s kinda hard to write one thing and watch another at the same time lol

First half:

Quick, fast and almost successful start. A much-needed improvement on the stagnancy vs Bristol a few weeks ago, and obviously we couldn’t see the midweek game vs Brighton so I can’t compare them.

I have to say I’m not a massive fan of all the back passes, all the time. I think a more attacking FB might be needed in the summer, or maybe Ökvist should be given some time to acclimatise to the WSL soon? I was never the biggest fan of Harris last season, I personally don’t think she’s fast enough – she gets outpaced down the flank by attackers 90% of the time, which isn’t good. I think A. Turner is the strongest FB option currently, at least defensively, and she’s shown she has a decent attacking ability, and has a wicked long ball, as well as crossing. My only issue is sometimes those tackles of hers can be a liability, giving away unnecessary fouls. It’s almost like she doesn’t think before she flies in sometimes, which is a shame, cause I love them. A lot.

There were a couple of really good chances in the first half, including a great ball in and run up from Galton, which should have resulted in probably the opening goal but whether it was as a result of the weather or just misjudged timing and placement from both Ross and Sigsworth, the chance went to waste. Groenen had an excellent chance to net her first for United but unfortunately sent it just wide. Another glorious link up between A. Turner and Galton led to another decent chance, a gorgeous cross in from the right to the opposite side of the box, and the perfect header which unfortunately was aimed straight at the keeper. Very unlucky to head in at the break with nothing.

There was an incredible double save from Earps around halfway through the first half. I have to say, I have some anxieties with her sometimes. She is quite good, but has a tendency to make some silly mistakes, and doesn’t always make the right call for a save. But my god she was on her game today, even if a potential error might have led to the first save. Didn’t disappoint me anytime she was called on this afternoon.

A few frustrations started to show around the 30 min mark, a few sloppy passes and challenges making the rounds. It was also around this time that I realized I’d picked a pretty poor game to start this thing on because I could barely see anything.

Zelem seems to be back in form, which can only be a good thing. But I would very much like it if somehow she could drag some of the other girls back up with her.

There were a fair few soft calls going Spurs way, which I wasn’t entirely convinced by. But then again I’m probably just naturally biased towards my girls.

Another great ball in to Sigsworth from A. Turner which was just *chefs kiss* but unfortunately came to nothing. There was also a spin move either to commit or avoid a challenge, I couldn’t really tell tbh, which was very impressive, as was her chase down on Mitchell at around 43 mins. (Amy’s my favourite player, can you tell?)

Booking for Kirsty Smith just before half time, but I gotta be honest I couldn’t see it due to the fog, so I have no idea what happened. Couldn’t find anything about it in the United post-match report either so apparently we’re just deleting that from the history of the earth which is completely fine by me to be honest.

Second half:

My main takeaway from this game is that both Sigsworth and Ross always seem to be looking for the same ball in the penalty area, and there very rarely seems to be anybody else around looking for a potential rebound. I think that James (who missed today’s game due to suspension) seems to be our main (only?) front line creator and finisher; Sigsworth is fine, that girl works like a dog and always gets the job done, I think she may have just needed another goal to boost her confidence, but I have no real concerns with her. Ross, however, I’m not entirely convinced by, I think a lot of her finishes have been a bit lucky and flukey so far. I’d start Toone over her for the rest of the season to be honest, Ross hasn’t done anything that tells me she deserves the starting place. Feel free to disagree with this of course, this is just my own personal opinion.

56 mins – confusion has entered the chat. McManus ends up pretty much through on goal, and then the ref whistles for what I assumed to be an offside. So naturally I nearly kicked my laptop out the window. The ref then awards a United penalty, and I’m even more confused now than I was in the beginning. I genuinely didn’t see anything but did hear a few shouts from what I’m assuming was the United bench for handball, so I have no idea what happened here.

‘58 – GOAL. Who else? God bless Katie Zelem is all I’m saying.

‘61 – Hanson 🔁 Ross. I think this was a good swap. I don’t think Ross was particularly good today, and Hanson immediately sparked that RW. I would have subbed Ross off sooner but that’s my only issue.

’64 – GOAL – Sigsworth with a pretty perfect if slightly scruffy strike from a corner.

A much better corner than previous attempts, and Spurs hadn’t defended any of them particularly well. I think that we have a major issue with set pieces, I dunno what exactly the problem is, whether they need to allocate a new taker or whatever but before today had we scored from a corner all season? Lemme knowwww.

’65 – A few decent chances for Spurs around this time. One pretty clear run in from the right, and one or two shots bounced right of the crossbar and the post. Basically my heart stopped for about 8 mins.

’66 – I DO NOT WANT TO SEE BACK PASSES IN THE BOX AS OPPOSITION PLAYERS SWARM IN. CLEAR IT. I DON’T CARE WHERE IT GOES JUST GET IT OUT. (sorry for the caps but my anxiety was out in force this afternoon)

United started playing much better after both goals, think they just needed a kick up the arse. *Ahem* A confidence boost. 👀 Much better intensity for the final 30 mins than the previous 60 imo.

’68 – Another decent chance for Spurs, with Earps coming way too far off her line than sat right with me. Very lucky nothing came of that.

’69-72 – Around this time I started to get *very* confused between Amy and Abbie cause they both had yellow boots on and literally the only thing I could see on the far side of the pitch was feet. That was fun.

’73 – The wasteful corners made a return. Slightly less panicked about that one considering we were already 2-0 up but still, I would like to see the glaring set piece issue sorted asap thanks girls x

’75ish – Toone 🔁 Groenen. Man I love Jackie Groenen. She really has been immense for us so far, and there’s a definite difference in how we play without her.

’78 – Harris 🔁 M. Turner. I’ve said my piece about Harris above but man, can we take a second to appreciate Millie Turner. She never, ever stops. Literally the heart of our defence.

’86 – GOAL – Oh captain, my captain. Beautiful strike from a free kick just outside the box, with the perfect bend around the wall and subsequently the keeper to make it 3-0.

United were very obviously stronger in the second half, almost looked like a completely different team at times. Whether they just got the hairdryer treatment at the half (I would imagine Casey is terrifying when she’s mad.) or the goals gave them that spark they desperately needed to kick on, they definitely made up for all the missed chances in the first half.

’90 – 4 additional minutes.

’92 – Another United free kick. McManus found herself almost clear in (again!), but due to an unlucky fumble with the ball at her feet unfortunately nothing came from this one. Surely a 4th goal otherwise.

’93 – FIIIIIIIIGHT. Kinda. You love to see it. Spend a little while conducting some, scientific research 🌚 and have concluded that Toone was tackled from behind just as the ball left her feet, which led to the ~scuffle~. Have to say that Amy walking away with Ella was extremely 🥰🥰🥰 (This is my research - https://twitter.com/48hours8/status/1218896406020349953?s=21)

’94 – Red card for Tooney. I would assume for her reaction more than anything but the camera didn’t catch it so I guess we’ll never know. I would have thought a yellow would suffice, considering that’s all the Spurs player in question received, but apparently not. 🤔 I’m still kinda confused tbh.

’95 – Full time.

Thus concludes what was certainly an interesting match. Please enjoy this comparison of United vs Spurs chaotic energy from @danieljamesmufc

Also thanks for reading if you got this far, it’s a bit stop-starty and clunky cause I just wrote down thoughts and whatever as they came into my head and then pieced it all together later on. I also just wanna say that I was massively impressed with Smith today. She hasn’t had many chances to prove herself this season, but that combo of herself and Galton down the left was lethal today imo. 🔥

Some extra thoughts:

I’m not a huge fan (like, at all) of fans singing men’s orientated chants. Let the women’s rivalries develop on their own, in their own way, and don’t drag the vulgarities across! That said, I do think that particular group of United fans has the potential to be a very, very good thing.

Also, just wanna say that these are my girls, and I would die for every single one of them. None of my criticism is meant to be intentionally negative, I just tried to be as objective and realistic as possible, without being a fangirl lol. Even my faves aren’t immune to criticism unfortunately.

And this picture is now my favourite thing ever to exist

[martiniblves]

mijoo and her iconic entrances DFKLSJGDF

yes, i really am recycling the intro some of you probably Just caught when you followed me DGSFLJLGSD

hey y’all, i’m kat, english student and an old hag :/ also slowly coming down from an anxiety moment, hence only deleting old shit now and potentially going rogue from my blog for the night after posting this ( aka, best if y'all send me your d*scord users bc it's much easier for me there ) sfdgjgfd i’m super excited for this group and can’t wait to read all about your muses !  and hoping you feel the same, i’ll get right to introducing avalon bay’s resident messy brat, dahlia !

[ lee mijoo ] dahlia kim, twenty-four, cis female, she/her, radio dj — a world-class traveler in the making, self-proclaimed “ reformed ” groupie, has been a tennant at avalon bay for two years, her cherry blaster obsession is the sweetest thing about her, she slept with an ex-best friend’s roommate and crush as revenge. [ kat, 22, nt, she/her ]

she often goes between dahlia and dia, first and foremost sdfglkj

came from a super small town in upstate new york where there wasn’t much to do or much to see, so growing up she had an adventurous streak that would run rampant when she was able to go off by herself, able to drive, and finally able to leave it behind

her family life was rather average, her parents scraped by financially but her and her two younger siblings never really went without — aside from a toy or two at christmas or a brand new car for their sixteenth birthdays sfgkljgdf

gets on fine with them, but her and her little/middle sister have had an on-and-off contentious relationship that, at the moment, is very much ON SDFGFG

small town life was.. okay overall, she was social Enough and polite but never really maintained any close relationships with her childhood pals once high school came and went, mostly bc the town was full of gossips so everyone thought poorly of each other and passed it onto their kids LSKFDGJGDFL

and yes, i’m kinda basing this off of the antics of adults from my hometown, what about it ??

she spent most of her formative years with her head in the clouds and music always around her or on her mind

so you bet she wound up taking guitar and piano lessons when she was a kid and well into her teens, and dare i say she was pretty good at it fsdglkjgdf

having that skill gave her the boost of confidence she needed from middle school onward, having been a tad reserved before then

idk what else to add bc i honestly can’t think of anything else about her past Before moving away. dull as hell probably, more than it’s already been said LKGSDF

upon moving to the city, she attended nyu just to keep her parents from completely losing their minds over her not.. wanting to go on a sure path, majoring in communications and spending much of her time as a dj for the campus radio station’s late night shows

soon began searching for dj gigs at major radio stations once she’d graduated and landed a spot as an intern to meet with artists the station wished to interview, etc, and even had an opportunity or two to interview them herself

through that job, she became more exposed to the groupie lifestyle and — having always been somewhat intrigued — soon became one ( of sorts ) 

sorry if you’re a fan of h*lsey bc this might come across as a dig, but this is where she becomes the chill version of groupie!h*lsey that h*lsey wishes she had been DFLSKJDGSFL

she liked the attention from drummers, singers and rappers alike — plus having sex with talented, rich people whenever they were in town didn’t hurt one bit — and she kept it all separate from her job, although it did help the station land more interviews, tickets for contests, etc

wasn’t big on hard drugs, but she never shied away from a bong being handed to her or a couple of xanax tablets, just so we’re clear here sdflkgjfdgk

however, the no-strings set-up quickly shifted for dahlia upon meeting a rising indie band’s lead singer

he was smooth as hell, which she already knew alongside his tendency to get bored easily with fangirls-turned-groupies like the rest of the musicians she’d met, so when she played along with his game, it didn’t take long for him to maintain an interest in her and for them to forge something of a friendship

she’d never admit it to anyone, but he was her first love as the initial sexual attraction very quickly became romantic after long conversations about music and aspirations, mundane happenings in their lives separate from their encounters and who should’ve won immunity on the recent ep of masterchef; dia knew he wouldn’t settle down now and she knew that while she was his number one at that point, she wasn’t the only one he had. a couple of months passed where it seemed like he was going only to her, that his interest rarely waned to the other girls that would swarm him, which led her to believe he was at least somewhat into her and to her confessing when they were both drunk one night — only to be shut down but not shut out

dejected and heartbroken, she still couldn’t quite distance herself from him like she knew she should and the front she put up — that she exaggerated her feelings and would get over it — made him none the wiser

however, he couldn’t get over the thought of his fwb still being in love with him and cut ties with her abruptly before his nth departure from nyc

it took her right out of her bubble, left a horrible taste in her mouth to even go back to being a groupie for others over how poorly it all went with him, so she abandoned the sexual aspect and potential intimacy of it — but not before taking herself completely out of that lifestyle for a few months to get over him

which.. lbr, she’s only 90% of the way there to this day sfdlkkdfsgl

upon going back, she showed up to shows and parties solely as a friend of the performer.... before that got old Quick and she realized how soul-sucking it was for her sexually frustrated And repressed ass KFSLJGS

though ask her pals and they’d think she’d given it up altogether, hence her supposedly being reformed

.. at least she isn’t indulging in drugs like she occasionally used to, so that counts for something lksdfjlgdf

as for her time in radio, she got promoted to a morning slot as a dj with a couple of co-hosts last year, though once an afternoon slot opened, she high-tailed it out of there

anything to get back to her chill, late night roots and this was the first step

lastly, she moved to avalon bay 2 years ago, after uni was done and she had to move out of the dorms. in that time, she’d become best friends with another girl and had a massive falling out bc the other was. well. changing for the worst sgfjgfd

she became selfish, judgmental, advantageous and disloyal, and soon dia had enough of her hypocritical and generally nasty antics ( and not without a brutal argument that left both of their egos bruised )

dahlia isn’t always one for petty revenge, but when the ex-bff’s roommate and crush — who dia had a slight interest in as well — bumped into her in the hallway of their dorm one night, she took her chance to knock the other down a peg by initiating a flirtatious conversation that quickly turned sexual

with her ex-bff being on the other side of the wall of said roommate’s room

safe to say that their ( final ) conversation in the morning was a fucking disaster SDFLGKJGFDK

it’s not something she’s entirely ashamed about, but dia doesn’t feel the need to disclose what happened

PERSONALITY AND OTHER SHIT

she loves her friends, would die for them, would kill for them. let’s get that straight first and foremost !

does that mean she’s the nicest or even the most tolerable person ?? fuck no SFGLJGKDF

i described her to one of my pals as a “ chaotic free-spirit with a mean streak when she doesn’t get her way, ” which. could also describe a couple of my bitchier muses tbh FLDKGJDS

but she’s stubborn, irritable and has a sense of high self-worth and self-preservation

she obviously has an attitude that can and will come out if you hurt her or someone she cares about/someone she thinks doesn’t deserve it

or if you think you’re a god or something

and it can get ugly.. as explained above dfskgdgkf

however, we love confident women on this blog and here you have one !

she’s chill for the most part, so you ( probably ) won’t have anything to worry about if you stay on her good side gfsdkljgfd

passionate af about radio and music as a career, wants to have a gig like zane lowe’s beats hosting job or even annie mac’s one day

although she also wishes to put out music of her own at least Once before she dies dfgsljdfgk

bit of a wild child, likes to party and just do her own thing — partially bc she’s scared of getting older and having to give that all up/being forced to act her age

doesn’t mean she doesn’t like her quiet nights in though !

closet romantic, just wants to be swept off of her feet..... but no one needs to know that, at least she doesn’t think so FSDJKGFD

won't let you see it anyways, at least unless she's Interested and knows you're not someone who's only useful for her in the short-term

also quietly doting, will never be the mom friend bc it’s too much responsibility and patience, but will always be a good shoulder to cry on who tells you your feelings are valid before she tells you to toughen the fuck up and amend a situation yourself, might even tell you how

some exceptions may apply FDLSJGSFLK

a bit vulgar at times, just warning you now fgldskf

wants to see the world and has travelled a little as it is bc of her connections. loves it

JFKDGS

has a pet succulent bc she Knows she can't look after the big fluffy dog of her dreams rn

named him bobby after one of the characters from the love island game DFLKGSJF

i honestly dk what else to add rn, plus i’m eager af to post this so we’ll end it here ! cute extras can always be posted later !

[hazbin-hotel-aesthetics-quotes]

mama kat my friend has 100000% depression very lonely and failing at his school grades wat should he dooo

I’m really sorry for your friend’s situation. Depression is bitch, because it takes away the strength to do a lot of things or ask for help. Even getting out of bed may seem impossible.

It’s possible that his problems with school grades are related to a side effect of depression that is “Procrastinate everything because fuck it’s too hard”. Procrastination becomes a way, no matter how maladaptive, of coping with the emotions and physical symptoms that accompany depression.

For you:Stay close to your friend, be ready to listen him and just to be here. Let him know that you support him and that you care for him.Also give your friend a cute set with a planner, cute pen, stickers and small phrases of encouragement. One of my friends gave me one and I remember that she helped me a lot with my academic commitments. 

Here are some tips for Stop Procrastinating:

Make a list of what needs to get done: This can be listed in no particular order and will give you a handle on just what you need to accomplish.

Prioritize and get yourself a calendar with room to write notes in: One way of doing this is by deadlines. Arrange them in order of when they are due. You may also choose to rank them by how important it is to get them done. 

Bite Off Only What You Can Chew: Break large projects up into smaller tasks. It won’t seem nearly so burdensome if you take a small bit at a time.     

Anxiety Busters: Performing a certain task may fill you will anxiety. Inhale deeply while counting five heartbeats (you may check this easily by feeling your pulse). Exhale as you count five heartbeats.You should notice after each breath that your heart rate is actually slowing and you are feeling less tense.

Keep filling your calendar until you have a time set aside to do each item while still meeting your deadlines: Be careful to not overbook yourself and allow plenty of time for delays. This will allow you to feel confident that you can accomplish all you need to in the time you have.

Here are some tips for dealing with depression not just for your friend but for every little demons:

Reach out and stay connected with people: It’s difficult, because depression pushes you to isolate yourself and not ask for help, but it’s important to stay connected with the people who make us feel safe and secure. Loneliness is difficult to deal with, but not impossible. (Here a video that can be useful).

Find ways to support others: Thing like volunteering or just helping other people get you an even bigger mood boost from providing support yourself. This actually helped me a lot, I volunteer in a cat shelter in the week-end and it’s amazing how it makes me feel good.  Also joining a support group for depression is a good way.

Support your health: Aim for eight hours of sleep. Depression typically involves sleep problems; whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Keep stress in check with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost like spending some time in nature, reading a good book, taking a long, hot bath. Don’t skip meals and eat healthy. Going too long between meals can make you feel irritable and tired, so aim to eat something at least every three to four hours. 

Challenge negative thinking: You can’t break out of this pessimistic mind frame by telling yourself to “just think positive.” Often, it’s part of a lifelong pattern of thinking that’s become so automatic you’re not even completely aware of it. Rather, the trick is to identify the type of negative thoughts that are fueling your depression, and replace them with a more balanced way of thinking.

Negative, unrealistic ways of thinking that fuel depression:

All-or-nothing thinking – Looking at things with no middle ground (“If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”)

Overgeneralization – Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever (“I can’t do anything right.”) 

The mental filter – Ignoring positive events and focusing on the negative. Noticing the one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right. 

Diminishing the positive– Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“She said she had a good time on our date, but I think she was just being nice.”)

Jumping to conclusions – Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader (“He must think I’m pathetic”) or a fortune teller (“I’ll be stuck in this dead-end job forever.”)

Emotional reasoning – Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel like such a loser. I really am no good!”) 

Labeling– Classifying yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings (“I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”) 

Seek professional help: Needing additional help doesn’t mean you’re weak. Sometimes the negative thinking in depression can make you feel like you’re a lost cause, but depression can be treated and you can feel better!

I know it’s difficult to deal with depression, it’s not easy to defeat something that’s inside you and sometimes it seems to never go away. But it’s okay, you can do it and everything will be better.

Here are some blogs that I follow personally. It is always a good thing having their post in the dashboard. ( PositivetyOutlet , Notesforselflove, Randomreasonstolive) also a Youtube channel that can help you understand yourself better and your problems 

[paperhattt]

An update on me and my fanfics:

Hey everyone. I’ve been meaning to post this for a super long time and finally am going to. For quick answers: YES! I am going to update “Revenge: A Dish Best Served Cold” Don’t worry I know it has been on a super long hiatus but I will not abandon it. Also I’m so sorry to people who have sent me questions and mail, I really need to respond to those I know.. 

For anyone interested in why I’ve been so absent and only really reblogging posts on here, and have been on a hiatus from writing, explanations are below: 

I’m going to try to keep this brief but I know it probably won’t be since I ramble. (Yep I’m right this is long ahh)  

My life has been pretty stressful. College started for me back in August, and it is my last semester before I will transfer again to start on a Bachelors degree next. I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to my classes because I want to end strongly to boost my GPA some more. (Right now, all A’s! But lately I’ve majorly slacked in one class, so fingers crossed I get a decent grade in it..) 

There’s been personal matters going on that have affected me a lot to where I have not felt any motivation to do anything what so ever. I haven’t been able to focus on things (like writing or schoolwork) and have been pretty restless. 

Back near the end of Sept. I was having some problems with my health because I kept having re-occurences of vomiting and getting sick, and not knowing why I was or what foods were triggering that. I did an elimination diet and cut out gluten and dairy, and have been doing a lot better. I have brought a little bit of both of them back into my diet recently (just eating them occasionally when I have gone out with friends) and haven't been sick.. but I know my body feels a lot better without them.. I’m going to have my blood taken next year so perhaps that may tell me something, idk. My parents are the types where if I am not dying or bleeding out, they will not take me to the doctors. And it’s all fine, I love them both a lot, and I’ve been okay and haven’t gotten ill again. I worry and have a bit of anxiety, so I would have liked to go of course, but they both have busy schedules and such.. 

There has also been relationship problems (both with friendships and potential relationships). This has all been in the span of this school year starting, so it’s all been happening really quick and has overwhelmed me. I lost a friend, grown distant with others because they have changed, and have had a lot of almost relationships happen but have then fallen through. And that’s been an extreme disappointment to me because I have wanted a boyfriend for a really long time; and have never been in a serious relationship (or really any), but really want to be. For some odd reason I have felt this a lot stronger, the longing to be in one, and a lot harder in my life than I ever have before. And I think it’s because I’ve gotten closer to almost having it happen. I devoted sometime into people who wanted different things (less serious things), and into a guy who deceived me into thinking he was somebody else with different intentions. I’m proud because I cut off a lot of the people who I knew weren’t going to work out with me, including the guy who played me. Regardless I think it all hit me so hard because I gave my hopes up, and told myself having a boyfriend would distract me from everyday problems and make me happier.. of course I learned that you have to be the person to make yourself happy and that it is unhealthy to heavily depend on another person for your own happiness. And right now I’m trying to focus on getting myself happier, not holding the idea of having a boyfriend so highly, and with that becoming more independent again. 

There is also family problems on top of that, but they are underlying and have been in my life for years. A lot of things that cannot be fixed, and are hard to live around every day. Things I know will be better once I’m able to distance myself when I transfer to a university, because the environment I am in (and have been in) can be a bit negative and stuffy. And it’s matters where it will just be better when I transfer. 

But it’s not all bad, and I hate to sound so negative. I have incredible friends, and have met some people who are more in my maturity and want the same things I do out of life. They have stood by my side through my hardships, and have been insanely supportive of me. Parents are frustrating, and I don’t agree on all the decisions they have made, but of course I still love them both a lot. And I have a sister who shares a lot of the same problems I do since she lives around it all too, so she understands. 

I’ve just had a lot of overwhelming events happen out of nowhere and in a short period of time. 

I am okay, and from these recent experiences have learned a lot. I’ve just had a really hard time focusing, and have been in this pit lately. But I am starting to pick myself back up, and I know that I’m going to be okay because I have picked myself up many times before. 

I’m insanely hard on myself, so I beat myself up 24/7. I’m mad at myself that I’m not doing more, like finishing my fics. and writing independently. I think all the time about how I need to write this post and respond to the messages I have. Just in general (in life) I focus on what I have yet to do instead of focusing all my accomplishments; and from doing that I get frustrated. I’m pretty negative, and want to start to be positive again like I was a couple months ago.. I go through stages like anyone I suppose. This all adds stress on me, that I know I have to change a little, and I know it’s all something I have to work on. It’s just a habit atm. 

Overall I’m just a bit of an overwhelmed mess. I know what I want and have a lot of goals set, it’s just a matter of pushing myself harder to do those things (not too much, of course I know). I just have to organize myself again which takes some effort, but I know it’s long over due and something I need to do to be a healthier person on the inside. 

I’m ready to writing “Revenge..” (I’m way too lazy to write the whole title lmao) again. I’m starting to feel motivation again to actually write which makes me insanely happy. I just don’t want it to distract me from my homework, and I have had so much with all the classes I’ve had :( Like I should be doing it now, whoops lol. 

Regardless I love you all, and thank you all for staying with me and being so patient. Thank you for your support on my fics, and for all the love you give me! I wish I could do more at the moment for you all, and show you how much it really means to me. I’m excited now to start writing again, and hopefully can and will start on the next chapter and on future fics. soon.