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angstkawa-blog · 6 years

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Every Day, I love You

Every Day, I Love You

Adaptation of Every Day by David Levithan

“And nothing else is right

You're laced inside my mind

I'm holding on, I know it's wrong

But I can't see your soul”

-In my Head by Peter Manos

7:00 AM

Waking up always felt the same, except it’s not entirely like that. I sat up and the first thing I did was to take a look in the mirror to see who I was today. A girl, maybe around nineteen, a redhead, tons of freckles, turquoise eyes, an athletic figure, pretty.

“Allie! You’re taking the bus today, your dad and I will be going to work a bit early today. There’s dinner ready in the fridge, we won’t be home until late eleven, love you sweets!”

I heard the door closing and an engine going off before all went silent.

Taking the girl’s wallet, I took out an ID and read it.

Guess I’m Alison Paige today.

My eyes scanned the crowd for a face that I wanted to see. There were too many students and I wasn’t even sure where to start looking.

“Al!”

I turned around to see his smile. The dimples that poked his rosy cheeks, his chocolate waves that were ever so unruly, how his green eyes sparkled as they bathed underneath the sunlight. He looked at me with so much happiness that I forgot what sadness is.

“C-Charlie.”

“C’mon, don’t want Mills after our tails again for being late.”

I followed him, still in a daze. I knew he was here but I never thought he would be this close. I didn’t even have to go looking for him; he came to me. Like an eager puppy, I became his tail and followed him to wherever this Mills was.

“Took you long enough.”

A girl with messily chopped up hair approached us and threw an arm around me. Her eyes were the darkest shade of browns, it could be mistaken for black even. She gave me a smirk before pinching my cheek.

“Sorry Mills, just caught this girl here looking lost.” Charlie said, going over to Mills’ side.

So this is Mills. The girl Charlie’s been so into ever since day one.

“Lost? You’ve been coming here since you were like, kinder.” Mills said, snorting “You sure you weren’t hooked up on something last night?”

“W-What? Uhm, no?”

She laughed and ruffled my hair, I frowned. I didn’t like it that she was treating me like a little kid.

“Alright cutie.”

A guy came to us and I saw him wrap his arm around Mills’ waist, my eyes glanced over at Charlie who still had that goofy smile on his lips but it was clear in his eyes that he was uneasy.

I glanced at my imaginary wristwatch before I gently took Charlie’s hand and tugged him “Well, uhm, we’ll be going to our first period now. We’ll see you guys later.”

“See ya cuties!”

I didn’t know where I was headed, didn’t do my research. All I knew was that I didn’t like the look in Charlie’s eyes.

“Where are we going, sweetheart?”

I stopped in my tracks, his deep voice sending chills down my spine “Uhm, to first period?”

“We passed by Trillie’s room minutes ago.”

“Oh.” I say, not knowing who this Trillie is nor where her room was nor did I know what our first period even is.

“You’re just trying to get me away from Bryan, aren’t you?”

A weak laugh left my lips “No…?”

“Al, you’re like a sheet of plastic cover, I can see right through you.”

I rubbed the back of my neck and shrugged. He chuckled and shook his head as he pulled me out into the fields.

I bet Alison’s mom and dad weren’t going to like it if they heard their daughter skipped classes.

“What are we doing here?” I asked as I watched him sit down underneath the shade of an old Oak tree.

“Aren’t you going to save this poor lad from a bitter heartache?”

I snorted before I sat down beside him, crossing my legs and leaning back against the trunk of the tree.

“It’s funny though.” He said.

“What is?”

“You weren’t this caring before, it’s like someone possessed you.”

I chuckle nervously, shaking my head “Guess I was an idiot.”

“Duh.”

I turned my head to look at him. He had his eyes closed and he looked, tired.

Why is this Alison so dense?

“What’s wrong?” he asked, and I was greeted with his emerald eyes, their mirth gone.

“You look tired, why? You look better happy.”

He blinked, his mouth opening to speak before he closed it again. And suddenly, I felt something warm against my lips. For the briefest moment that our lips touched, I felt envy. I envied that I’d never get to be Alison again.

“I am tired, Al, thanks for pointing that out.”

“I’m not Al.” I whispered before I leaned in to kiss him again.

I felt his hand reaching up to hold my cheek, feeling his fingers caressing my skin. He held me close and I felt his heart beating, I could taste how bittersweet this is. I heard my own heart beating against my ribcage, echoing.

We pulled back and I stared up at his eyes, they looked back at mine with so much care and adoration.

I wish I could be Alison every day.

“I’m drunk.” I mumbled to him.

“No, you’re not.”

“Sue me.”

He chuckled and he held me close to him, resting his chin on my head “Let’s go to class.”

---

7:00 AM

A sharp pain shot up my spine as I tried to move. Wincing, I looked around and saw I was in a mess of a room. My head was pounding and I felt the urge to vomit. Rushing towards the bathroom, barely even making it, I threw up on the sink. I raised my head up and saw the familiar face of Mills looking back at me.

The ride to school was a blur, literally.

What was she doing last night? I internally screamed, feeling the urge to vomit again.

“Baby.”

Oh no, no, not him.

“Bryan.”

“You okay? You look pale.” He chuckled and leaned closer “Was it because of last night?”

I shook my head and pushed him away, feeling sick. I wanted to go back to being Ali, I hated this body. I hated every inch of it.

“Hey, Mills.” Bryan grabbed my wrist and pulled me back “Where are you going?”

“T-To class?”

“To class? What? Are you kidding me? Dang, was it that strong enough to make you like this?” he looked at me quizzically, his brows furrowed together “Come on, let’s go.”

He started pulling me the opposite direction of the hallways, towards his car and my eyes widened.

“U-Uhm, I’m busy today, Bryan. I can’t come with you.”

His grip only tightened, as if he didn’t hear me. I looked around frantically and saw Charlie.

Our eyes met and he frowned, I mouthed “Help.”

Without hesitation, he jogged over and was in front of Bryan in an instant.

“Woah dude, what are you doing hauling off your girl in the broad daylight?”

I broke free from Bryan’s grip and backed away, Charlie coming to my side in an instant. Bryan eyed the both of us before someone called his attention. He stared for what felt like an eternity before turning back on us and going over to the guy who called him.

“You look terrible.” Charlie said.

“Yeah, I know, thanks. You look great yourself too.”

“Alison.”

“…Alison? What happened?”

He shrugged, his eyes going over to glance at a familiar redhead who was laughing with a group of girls.

She probably doesn’t remember what happened yesterday.

“I’m sorry…?” I said uncertainly, which caused him to look at me with a frown.

“You’re awfully out of character today Mills.”

“Am I?”

He shrugged again and headed off, I followed him, unsure of what to do. We ended up underneath the same Oak tree we went to yesterday. I bit my lip, watching him as he sat down.

“What do you want, Mills?”

“W-What?”

“Every time you and your dude fight, you always come to me. Why?”

I stood there, speechless. I wanted to say that I was the Alison who kissed you, that I was the Yvonne who wiped away your tears that one February night, that I was the Mica who swapped your spiked drink with my own, that I was the Adam who helped you get close to Mills, that I was the Tyler who listened to you rant about your family, that I was the Zia who ended our relationship because I wasn’t committed enough to us and didn’t want you stuck because the Zia who wasn’t me was too selfish, that I was the Xin who told you that you were cute.

That I was a different person every time and I would always go to you, I would always go to you because I loved you the moment I saw you smile and heard you laugh. I would always go to you because you were my paradise and my only hold on sanity because I don’t have anything else but you to keep me going.

“Mills?”

“I-I have to go.”

He rolled his eyes and he shook his head “Fine.”

“I’m not good for you, you shouldn’t be close to me anymore. Stay with Alison.”

“She’s as worse as you.”

I winced, that stung a lot. If only you knew, Charlie, if only you knew.

“I’m sorry.”

I turned around and headed out. It was too suffocating, too suffocating.

I felt like I wasn’t getting enough oxygen, felt too dizzy, felt too overwhelmed.

What am I doing?

“I’m so sorry.”

---

7:00 AM

I sat up, groaning. Stretching, I felt something warm beside me, frowning I shone the light of my phone and my mouth fell as I saw Charlie.

“Charlie?!”

I pushed him away from me, we were fully clothed, thankfully but who was I? What happened?

“Claire, what-?” I heard him groan from the floor where he fell “It’s still too early, come on, let me sleep.”

What’s going on?

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, he looked even more dreadful than he did yesterday.

“Charlie? What’s wrong?”

Looking at me, he chuckled “So now you care?”

I blinked, unsure of what to do. I want to tell him badly, I could see he was getting way too confused and affected by everything that’s happening.

“Charlie.”

“What?”

I love you.

“I’m sorry.”

I love you.

“For what?”

I love you.

“For everything.”

I love you, I’m sorry.

“What are you even talking about?” he asked, frowning as he sat on the bed. I felt the tears falling, I felt my hands shaking. I hate this, I hate myself, this is disgusting.

“H-Hey, Claire, I’m sorry…” he said softly, I still heard the confusion in his voice but that didn’t stop him from pulling me in for a hug.

“It’s always you…” I whisper, closing my eyes as I took in a shaky breath “I’m always finding myself coming back to you.”

He was quiet as I started talking, may as well call me a psycho for telling him who I was before and what I did to him. Would he believe me, I’m not sure, but I don’t want to ruin him.

I finished talking and he was quiet, his hold on me loosened, I couldn’t see his face. I didn’t know what he was thinking, I didn’t know what expression he has on, I didn’t know if I was way too much of an idiot to have let my emotions get the best of me.

And suddenly, he let me go, stood up and walked out of the door.

---

7:00 AM

I woke up, feeling my eyes sting. I didn’t know who I was today. I didn’t want to look. I laid there, staring at the dark. Why is this happening to me? I was so tired of living like this.

Avoiding any mirrors, I knew I was going to be someone from Charlie’s life. This much I knew. Every person I had been, they were all connected to Charlie one way or another.

I was never going to be able to avoid him.

I arrived at school early. There wasn’t much people around yet. Unconsciously, my feet took me towards the same Oak tree in the fields. I sat down and leaned back, closing my eyes and sighing.

Who knows how long time passed until someone tapped my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see two green eyes looking at me, eyes that were full of concern, full of tiredness.

“Uhm, by any chance, were you Claire, Mills, Alison and a lot more in the past?”

I blinked, staring at him.

“Right, sorry, I’ll just-“

“Charlie.”

He looked at me, his eyes suddenly filled with, dare I say, hope.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me.”

Emotions ran through his face but I was able to catch every single one of it. Relief, confusion, sadness, and a little bit of anger.

“It’s you.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s your name?”

I proceeded to take out my wallet to check an ID but I felt his hand stopping mine. I looked up and he shook his head.

“Your name.”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you…a girl or a guy?”

“I don’t know. Would it be weird if I was a guy?”

He chuckled, “I don’t know.”

I shrugged “I don’t know anything about me besides who I am today.”

“So…every day you…change into someone else?”

“Yeah, I noticed they’re all someone who’s connected to you. Who is this girl I’m in today?”

“She’s Eva, Secretary of the school council, someone I only talk to whenever school stuff is involved.”

“I see.”

“Avery.”

I looked at him, frowning in confusion “Avery?”

“Your name, Avery. I’ll call you Avery. You change every day and yeah, you get it.”

A laugh left my lips “It’s weird, I don’t ever remember being given a name.”

“Well, you’re my Avery now.”

---

7:00 AM

I wake up and felt a smile on my face. Avery. Avery.

My name is Avery.

The days pass and Charlie only meant more and more for me. He was everything. He was my ground, he kept me steady, unwavering.

But I know this can’t last.

“Charlie?”

“Hmm?”

“This girl’s family is very loving.”

“Mhhmm.”

“She’s really cute too.”

“Hmmm.”

“Her name is Avery as well.”

He looked at me, eyes showing confusion. I gave him a pained smile as I held his cheek, caressing it.

“Charlie…”

“I don’t like that tone Ave…”

“Charlie, you know we can’t keep on going like this…”

He sat up from lying down on my lap, shaking his head “But I’m fine.”

“I’m not.” I whispered “I love you Charlie but I can’t stand hearing what they say about you just because they’ve seen you going out with different men and women every day. I can’t.”

“Ave…”

“So, listen to me, okay? I’ll make sure that this Avery remembers you. I’ll give her every memory of us. I’ll give her all of my love for you. I’ll let her be your Avery. I don’t know how, but I will make it work. Be with her, okay?”

I felt him pulling me close, felt him burying his head on my shoulder, felt his heavy breaths and trembling hands.

My hands reached up to embrace him and we stayed like that for awhile, quiet, holding each other, trying. Eventually, he pulled back and he cupped my face, leaning in to give me a soft kiss that was terribly, painfully, bittersweet.

“I love you.” He whispers.

“I love you more, Charlie.”

“Stay with me.”

I gave him a nod, and the weakest of all weak smiles.

“I’m here.”

Night crept upon us and I was cocooned in Charlie’s embrace. I felt his fingers stroking my hair, his chin resting on top of my head.

“I won’t go looking for you, Charlie.”

He was silent.

“But please, remember this.” I removed his hold as I turn around to face him. I brushed back his bangs so I could look at him face to face.

“Even if I live a thousand lives, my heart will always be yours, intertwined, never faltering, infinite.” I gave him a smile as I leaned up to give him a kiss on the forehead.

“Because every day, I love you.”

---

??? AM

I open my eyes and sit up.

Everything was bright.

I wasn’t in a room, I don’t know where I was but I felt peace for the first time.

There wasn’t anyone in sight but I heard a voice.

“Do you wish to go back to being Avery?”

Smiling, I shake my head.

“I’m happy now.”

end

#david levithan #everyday #fanfiction

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cannibaldeerdoe · 3 years

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Romance is dead.

"She is probably using him." Was the first sentence out of his mouth. It had slipped out as he starred blankly into his latte as it swirled casually around the espresso and whipped cream in the cup. His friends, Audrey and Stella, Both had their jaws a gap.

To which Darnell simply shrugged nonchalantly, sipping coolly at his drink.

He glanced left, then right at both of his dear friends. A bored expression plastered on his face before he set his drink down, the sleeves of his dark over sized hoodie shuffling over his knuckles as the drink was set.

Darnell had short cut black hair, thick curls at the ends near his neck where he felt he may need to get a haircut sometime in the near future. Long bangs pushed out of his eyes as green eyes took in the shocked expressions of his friends once more before deciding to finally speak up.

"What?" He stated so plainly, " I was pretty sure you were use to this by now. " He stated plainly.

The girl's had been gossiping about a college campus romance unfolding. They had seemed like the most typical couple in the world, boy meets girl, they start doing casual stuff around campus, holding hands, walking to class, ect, ect. Darnell has seen this sort of thing at least a dozen or so times before.

It always ended the same. Heart break. Either after a month or two they faded apart, or one cheats on the other, or the other gets dissatisfied by the fact they only want such and such items. Petty stuff that was enough to ruin anyones mood.

This time though, The guy had left a bouquet of flowers on her desk with a note. She later came back with a red blush on her face.

He had apparently surprised her with some sweets in her locker next, ending with a request to an amusement park. after only a year of dating it seemed he finally proposed. She had yet to give her answer yet. Though, according to his friends, she was a fool to say no to such a romantic gesture.

"No. Dont you see? He obviously figured out she was the perfect fit for him. " Stated Audrey, resting her chin on her palm as she stuck out her puffy lips. Her perfect dark skin seeming to meld well with the lighting drifting in through the window they were seated beside.

"You typically need a few years and living together to know that"

"Maybe he just knew, y'know, like a soul mate or something. " Stated his other friend, Stella stated, her brunettes' locks hanging low as he rested her elbow on the counter. Her gold hooped earrings shinning as they interacted with the sun hitting the table.

"No, See, Here's how things will play out. They rush into this marriage, and after a year pop out some children. They arent prepared or ready for kids so that causes tension. They find out their views on raising kids is vastly different and they dont coordinate well. They divorce, wondering why they were ever in love in the first place. " He began to take a sip at his drink. Humming casually.

"Its so simple. Heard it a dozen times before. There is no such thing as love or romance not in the real world. " They both stared at him, their brown and blue eyes glaring him down before Audrey broke the silence.

"Yeah, Well, I hope you stay single forever with that sort of attitude!" To such an accusation, the group laughed. Cheerful fun having presented itself.

The group soon decided to depart, standing and walking down the street, the busy city gleaming and bustling with life.

Short lived romance, People arguing, Artists, dancers, office workers. It was just everyday life in this beautiful city. A city of small drama and comfortable living for young people.

It was perfect for beginnings and amazing for endings. Only issue was a lot of the time it was placed in that cold hard, cough syrup flavored reality.

They chattered and Darnell once more found himself laughing.

He had sworn he would stay single forever, because, to him romance was just something he enjoyed reading about in his spare time. It wasnt something that was real. It wasnt something that lasted. Just like his own parents. When he was a kid, they argued non-stop while swearing they were once in love.

To Darnell, Love was a spark that eventually faded. Love that lasted was usually just that. A fairy tale. One he figured he would enjoy avoiding at al cost.

Darnell paused, spotting in a window pane a book he had been in desperate need of and been eagerly awaiting the release of the next volume!

He could hardly contain such excitement, Pausing to stare into the window that showed the new released.

"I didnt even get the notification! "He exclaimed, waving hurriedly to his friends. They looked at eachother before turning to continue to walk.

"We can just meet you later." Stated Stella,

"How a romance nerd like you doesnt believe in real romance is such a god damn mystery to me."

The bell chimed delightfully and slightly annoyingly as he hurriedly opened the door to the bookshop.

Rushing over to the bookshelf behind the window case and searching frantically for where the volume might be located.

"Can I help you?" Stated a smooth voice almost like caramel from behind him.

Darnell's shoulders slumped some, he hated social interactions with strangers. He had already guessed a read on his personality before even turning to face him. Gorgeous and surrounded by women at all peaks of the hours.

"Im just looking for the book that was released in this series. "He hardly bothered to look the man in the eye.

There was an audible hum from the man as he answered Darnell's query.

"I havent quite gotten around to putting them on the shelf yet. The copies are actually still in a box just over there. I just finished with the display a few minutes ago before being dragged off by my manager." He chuckled softly, his voice sounding almost as sickeningly radiant as the bell that chimed when he strode in.

"Well why bother setting up the display if they arent--"Darnell was about to go off on this guy, who care's if he is good looking?! Yet, when his green eyes met with this guy's almost brown his heart seemed to skip. As though it were waking from a cold damp slumber and stretched its feathered wings.

What. The. Fuck. Oh no, you go back to being dead right this instant!

He swallowed, rolling his eyes and trying to look more disgruntled than what he actually was.

"Just give me the damn copy. "

He demanded, which was promptly met with a chuckle, a smile. And him bending over to reveal even better of a view.

Yeah. He was asking for heart break with this guy. Last thing he needed in his life was more heart break.

He plopped the heady hardcopy into Darnell's hands. His eyes seemed to gleam as he held his most recent favorite romance novel. It was glorious! It was just as great as everything written about it in the forums!

He slouched back into his normal mood, His lip stuck out as he avoided eye contact and held the book tightly to his chest.

"Thanks."

"No problem, I can check you out as well if you'd like. It looks like your friends may have come back for you after all." He chuckled again, waving politely to the two girls standing outside.

Why were they just watching the whole scene? Were they expecting something from all this?!

He bought his book and went about his day. His friends teasing him that the guy back there was right up his alley in every way, shape and form!

"Did you get his name?"

"Did you get his number...?"

" His names Bryan. No, Why would I even bother?" They continued their taunts. Although they all stopped suddenly in their steps, the sound of rampant feet clattering towards the group.

They had gone quite a ways from the bookstore now and were on their way home, surprised to find the handsome and bold short haired red head sprinting towards them.

He huffed, changed from his bookstore uniform. He was red in the face a large smile as he tried to play off how awkward it must have looked running towards them.

"I cant--!"He tried to say between gasps for air. "Believe I ran into you again!" He stated exasperated, "I thought about this earlier, I got so excited when I saw you again I thought it might be a good chance!" he began to dig around in his pocket, pulling out his phone.

"I notice you read romance in my mother's store a lot! I thought you might be interested in maybe coming to a book club with me. It's run by my sister. The next reading is 'What blooms in winter' A new romance story that was released by an armature novelist. "

He smiled, directing the phone screen to Darnell in particular.

"I figured I could...Get your number. It's next week. I can even stop by and pick you up by the store?"

In Darnell's mind at that moment he could heart the thrum of his heart, His friends both at a loss for words. That was basically asking for a date. Adding in some lame excuse for how he could get his number.

He rolled his eyes.

His head was screaming for a yes, yes, YES! Though he instead shoved the phone back into the guys hands. "Why in the world would I bother going to something so childish as a book club. "he snarled. Turning sharply on his heel.

"S-Sorry he--" "Stop talking to the creep!" He interrupted, Not wanting to put up with Stella's excuse.

After that, he said good bye to his friends. Hugs and cheers as they departed. He stood there in the hallway. Waiting for everyone to get to their dorms.

He stood in the silence. Looked left. Looked right.

Then he found his legs were moving on their own.

Sprinting as fast, if not faster, than he thought possible down the hallway, bursting through the doors of his apartment, back down that alley way with his sneakers noisily smacking against the loud concrete.

He turned the corner to the empty city street to see a lone man in a dark green and white t-shirt walking with his hands in his pockets.

He looked a bit forlorn to say the least and turned almost at the last minute to view a black haired, skinny pale male moving faster than he had since middle school gym.

He could barely stop, barreling towards the broad-shouldered red head. He stopped just in time before a crash course collision.

Gasping in deep shallow breaths. He couldnt dare try to say words.

They both stood there in awkward silence.

"Are you al--"He was about to ask, though Darnell very quickly grabbed for his phone from his hands. He held his breath as he rushed to type in his number and throw it back into his hands.

He still was quite breathless but now stood up straight, a scowl present on his face and turned back to walk jelly legged back to his apartment. Leaving the man to the empty street once more.

A soft chuckle being heard from him.

#writing #short stories #lgbtq+#my writing

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