#but I’m also a little proud he’s worked the self checkout. since a lot of old people don’t know how to work those

[roses-and-tears]

oh almighty lord in heaven above do destroy me for I saw my grandpa at the grocery store twice and had to book it

[yourfavewriteress]

check you out (part 2) | connor mcdavid

part 1

Teaser: “Really wanted to get to know me, huh?”

You weren’t desperate. If a guy said he was going to text you, you waited until he did so. You didn’t count down the minutes, or jump whenever you got a notification to see if it was him. You just weren’t that type of gal. Usually.

It started with an email from your school, an hour after you got home from giving Connor your number in the parking lot. Even though your text messages and emails had clearly different ringtones, your shoulders still slumped when you saw that it wasn’t him. You thought you could tell when someone gave you longer looks, you thought you could tell when someone was interested in you. At least, a little. 

But, you still knew nothing about Connor besides his healthy eating habits and his somewhat shy but also strong demeanor. Maybe he’s just not actually into you, you finally sighed around 9:30 pm, hours after you had gotten home. You hated the way you were feeling and you hated how one guy you barely knew just decided to open up shop in your brain with clearly no intention to deliver.

To take your mind off of things, you took a long shower and prepared yourself for bed. While your music played, the song paused, alerting you of a notification. Coaching yourself, you ignored it. If it was him, he could wait a few minutes. If, it was him.

Exactly two minutes later, the music paused again with the same tone, confirming that you had a text waiting for you. You were basically done at that point, doesn’t hurt to end a shower early. As if someone was watching your excitement over, technically speaking, a work crush, you kept your composure as you dried yourself off and moisturized your skin. Once you were completely done with your rushed night routine, you took a deep breath and finally looked at your phone. 

Unknown Number: Hey, it’s Connor. Did you make it home okay?

You bit your lip, adding the number to your contacts before you began typing a response, I did, thanks! How about you?

Connor: I’m not going to lie, I did trip on my way up to my place and nearly lost everything I bought at the store today

You: Seems like you’re just destined for destruction, huh? First the store’s machine, now your own groceries

Connor couldn’t help but laugh at that. He knew you were never going to let that go, and if the tables were turned, he’d probably do the same. She’s funny, he thought. He was already interested in you and the fact that you even gave him your number meant that he had a chance. And, no matter what, he was going to try.

Connor: I accept no responsibility for that evil machine your store owns. But it did get us to meet so I’m not too salty about it

You didn’t know if you should laugh or swoon over his message, so you stared at it. Is this what flirting is? you asked yourself. 

You: Hey, I spend hours with that machine everyday, keep your swear words to yourself

You: But, now I’m wondering if you broke the machine on purpose that day…

Connor: I didn’t in the moment, but if I got the chance to go back, I’d definitely make sure it happened again

Connor: Do you have any free time this weekend? 

Holy shit, you thought to yourself. The movie that you planned on watching that night had clearly been forgotten as you had found your way in bed, under the covers with the only light coming from your phone screen. This is really happening.

You:  Besides working Saturday morning, I’m pretty free. Why?

Connor: Do you want to have lunch on Sunday? I know this place near where I live that has the best menu I’ve ever seen

You smiled then, taking a second to scream into your pillow before responding.

You: That sounds amazing, I would love to

Making sure to be clear that you accepted, you also wanted to keep things light.

You: But, I have seen what you buy at the store so is the menu filled with only kale and string beans? I just need to know if I should eat before or not

Connor: It hurts that you think I would really take you somewhere like that

You: I just had to make sure :)

Connor: So, can I pick you up around 4 on Sunday?

You: I can actually meet you there, if that’s okay. I don’t want you to go out of you way to get me 

Connor: It’s not a problem but we can meet there too

Connor: 4 works for you, though?

You: Yeah, it’s perfect

His heart clenched at that, and he was finally able to let out the breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Not only did he get your number, he got a date with you, too. He was proud of himself for finally putting in the effort with someone and something other than his hockey career.

You didn’t stop texting there, continuing to go back and forth with him for a few more hours. It felt nice, to talk to someone new after a while. Connor was still trying to figure you and your story out, but you were doing the same with him. 

Since it hadn’t come up in conversation, Connor was almost certain that you didn’t recognize him from the league. Hell, he didn’t even know if you watched any sports. And, while this made it easier for him to talk to you, it also made it harder for him to come up with a way to tell you about his life that wouldn’t scare you off or make you look at him differently. He’s had too many experiences letting in the wrong people that were only after him for attention.

He could just wait until he fully trusted you to bring it up, but he had a feeling that would make you question him even more. He could tell you on your upcoming date, but that might end things before they even had a chance to get started. He didn’t know what was going to happen, but he knew he wanted to find out.

He could feel the excitement in his body as the week went by and it only intensified as it got closer to the day you were finally going out. He wasn’t nervous at first, especially since you had kept in touch everyday since he last saw you. But, when he arrived at the diner he set for you two to meet up, he couldn’t help the nervous bounce of his leg as he waited for your arrival.

He got there early, because he wanted to make sure he was there when you showed up, especially since he was the one who extended the invitation. He also was just really excited to get to talk to you in person, without someone interrupting you because they needed help in self-checkout. He was finally going to be able to talk to you, and learn about you and your life.

You, however, were a mess. When you agreed, you had forgotten how long it had been since a guy had asked you out, and even longer since you’d been on an actual date with someone that you barely even knew. You didn’t know what to wear, or how to fix your hair, or how early you should be, or even how late. You were a mess.

Since it was still chilly out, you settled on best fitting black pants, a nice casual shirt, and your favorite boots. It was simple, but then again, you were meeting at a diner in the middle of the day. You prayed you weren’t underdressed as you finished your hair and the minimal amount of make-up that you were still working on perfecting, and if you were, you couldn’t risk being overly late anyway.

You were a few minutes late walking into the diner but you spotted Connor almost immediately, seated in a booth in the far corner. Taking a deep breath, you slowly made your way to him.

“Hey,” You said, softly. Connor looked up, standing at the same time.

“Hi, I’m glad you make it,” He smiled. He pulled you in for a hug and after the initial shock, you returned it, breathing in his scent. “You look amazing.”

Happy that he couldn’t see your blush, you gave him a gentle squeeze, “Thank you, you too.”

After you separated, Connor stepped back, motioning for you to sit down. You thanked him again as you sat, taking off your coat and placing it next to you.

“I hope this place is cool with you, I usually like staying in lowkey spots,” He said as he took his place across from you.

“Usually?” You raised your eyebrows at him. “You take all your dates here?”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” He blushed, shaking his head. “I’m just not a fan of being around a ton of people and noise.”

“This place is nice,” You looked around. “I’ve never been here before so I’m kinda jealous that I didn’t know about it.”

He smiled, “Good.”

You shifted under his eyes, picking up the menu. “So, what made you finally ask for my number?”

It was a risky question to ask but after your past experiences with interested customers, you knew you had to. Although Connor had been respectful every time you saw him, that didn’t ease your fear of everything ending badly. Especially since it was the first time you actually gave your number out and didn’t regret it immediately after.

“Besides the obvious fact that you’re really beautiful,” He smiled as he looked down at his menu. “Every time we talked, you made me laugh. Which most people would say is hard to do.”

“So, I’m beautiful and funny,” You nodded, smiling slightly. “Thank you.”

He laughed, “What made you give me your number?”

You narrowed your eyes at him firing your question back at you but he just smiled again. Thinking for a second, you looked back at the menu.

“You laughed at my jokes,” You said as you glanced up at him briefly. He was still watching you as you continued, “And, you’re very easy on the eyes, I guess.” 

“Fair enough,” He responded.

“Plus, you asked.” He rolled his eyes at that but you could see the smile on his lips as he took a sip of his water.

You thought about it for a second, wondering how honest you should be. “Actually, do you want my true answer?”

You felt that since you had been texting back and forth with him for a few days, the least you could do was tell him the truth. He nodded, raising his eyebrows. 

“I was already hoping you would ask.”

You bit your lip nervously, but he grinned and you felt his knee nudge yours under the table. The gesture calmed your nerves a little, but your senses were all heightened by the contact. 

“How do you like working at the store?” He asked after a few moments.

“It’s alright,” You shrugged. “Not the ideal and I definitely don’t plan on doing it forever but it pays.”

“Do you have plans?” He asked, and you noticed that his arms were now folded on the table over his menu. His full attention was on you, and you could feel your skin tingling.

“I’m still in school, so I’m kind of in the process of figuring that out, especially since my mind changes every month,” You responded. “What about you? What are you doing for work right now?”

“I play hockey.”

“Professional?” He nodded. “Like, the NHL?” He nodded again. “Seriously?” Again. “Huh.”

“What?” He laughed.

“You’re a professional hockey player,” You said, slowly. “Did you see where I work?”

He shrugged, “What about it?”

“Nothing,” You shrugged as well. “Nevermind.”

“I asked you out because I really wanted to get to know you. Outside of the supermarket, and without all the peering eyes.”

You smiled, “Really wanted to get to know me, huh?”

He laughed, taking a sip of his water. He still held your eye as he did so and you narrowed yours at his next clear attempt to avoid answering. “What are you studying?”

“Sociology,” You answered, laughing after.

“You must be pretty smart, then,” He replied. “Soc is pretty complicated from what I remember.”

You let out a laugh, shaking your head. “Everyone thinks so, but I wouldn’t say I’m especially smart or anything. It’s not that bad.”

“The really smart people usually don’t,” He smirked, just as the waitress walked up to your table.

“Can I start you guys with any drinks or appetizers?”

“I’m good with this water, thanks,” Connor said.

“Iced tea, please,” You smiled.

“Okay, perfect. And, are you guys ready to order or do you need another second?” You were both ready and gave her your orders. With your menus in hand, the waitress disappeared to the back.

“No alcohol on the first date?” You teased, leaning on the table.

He laughed, “Yeah, I’m watching my figure actually.”

You rolled your eyes, laughing with him. 

“Where are you from?” He asked.

“Originally from Boston, moved here to Edmonton for school,” You said.

“So, you like the cold?”

“I do, actually,” You smiled. “What about you?”

You were nervous, that was a given. You had forgotten what holding eye contact with a guy could actually do to you, especially when you had no one to buffer. You worried about having something in your teeth or god forbid your nose, or suddenly making an embarrassing noise. But, when Connor basically slapped his drink off the table while talking, resulting in the loudest sound of glass hitting the floor, you couldn’t help the also loud and real laugh that came out of you at his shocked expression.

“I’m really sorry,” Connor apologized to the waitress as she appeared to sweep up the few broken pieces of glass. You tried to control your laughter as Connor’s face was now bright red.

“Don’t worry, it happens more than you think,” She laughed, standing back up straight. “I’ll be back with another water for you, no biggie.”

“Thank you,” Connor replied. “I’m sorry, again.”

Once she was gone, Connor looked back at you and you tried to hide your smile by taking a sip of your drink.

“I can’t believe you just laughed at me.”

“I’m sorry, I probably should have held it in,” You responded. “Bad first date etiquette.”

He smiled, shaking his head, “Evil.”

“You have to admit, it was funny,” You teased.

“I probably looked like a deer in headlights,” He breathed. “That was definitely the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, especially on a fucking date.”

“Well, lucky for you, I won’t use it against you.”

The date was better than you expected it to be. Not because you both were overtly flirty or anything, but because you actually talked. You explained why you chose to move to Edmonton from Boston, what your studies meant to you, and what you hoped you could accomplish. Connor spoke about growing up in hockey, and struggling to be the player he is today. Even though the conversation was deep at times, it didn’t feel heavy or suffocating. The conversation flowed so smoothly that you forgot you were on a date at times.

While stepping out of the diner almost three hours later, you knew that whatever happened, you hoped to at least have Connor as a friend. Once you could get over the huge crush you had on him, you knew you both got along and could talk about anything. You hoped you wouldn’t have to get over your crush, though.

“I had a really nice time with you,” Connor said as you stepped back into the windy air in the parking lot.

“Me too, thank you for inviting me,” You responded, hugging your arms tighter to your body.

“Anytime,” You both reached your car, and you watched as Connor appeared to be contemplating something in his head, eyes glues to the ground.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” 

He laughed at the question, his shoulders relaxing slightly, “I’m trying to find the right words to use to ask you out again but everything I’m saying in my head sounds lame.”

You knew you were blushing once again, shaking your head at him as you locked eyes. “I’ll go out with you again, but I’m picking the location this time.”

“I can live with that,” He smiled. “I’ll text you when I get home.”

“Okay,” You nodded, finally unlocking your car. “See you later.”

“Bye, Y/N.” He waited until you were safely in your car before stepping back towards his.

[mezzomercury]

Guardian

A/N: I wrote this last March on my old account, so I thought today would be the best time to reintroduce it, since it’s Freddie’s birthday. Enjoy my little personal anecdote. And yes, I have this exact candle.

***********

I was never one to believe in a god or any sort of higher power. I grew up Jewish, but it was more of a cultural identity in my family rather than a religious one. My husband and his family are Hindu, and they their religion is a very big part of their lives and shaped who they are as people. I always envied those who were gifted with faith— I had tried searching for a comfort in God for most of my childhood, but I was never lucky enough to find him or her, no matter how hard I tried to believe.

That being said, I have started to think of Freddie as sort of a guardian angel. I try to emulate him as a performer and live by what he would do whenever I feel lost or hopeless. This has helped me in a way that I never thought possible. I’m more confident, more in touch with my body, and reclaiming ownership of what I have to offer in this world. Every day I receive at least one little reminder that his spirit is with me. I feel almost viscerally connected to him, as though we are two sides of a coin. The Hindus believe that God is in everything and everyone, which has supported my idea that he is also in everything and everyone, and I notice the signs at the most random times.

Such is the case of this past Sunday, when I was in the regional finals of a national opera competition (I won at the state district level and moved on to that region of the US). The morning started off with doing my hair and makeup and warming up in the rundown motel room that I stayed in over the weekend. Before I left the room to buy a couple necessity items from Walmart, I tried to collect my thoughts and tried to mentally conjure Freddie, asking him to give me the strength, courage, and confidence that I needed. As I closed my eyes and briefly meditated, the TV, which I had left on to drown out the noise of my singing, started playing Queen’s “I Want It All.” Of course, it was for a commercial, but it felt like Freddie heard me and made a subtle way of showing that he was there. The same way that an angel would ring a bell or a song that was a favorite of a lost loved one would play on the radio. It’s a subtle coincidence, but my crazy imagination is convinced that he had something to do with it, being the cheeky trickster that he was during his time on Earth.

Not too long after that rather spooky but welcome moment, I find myself at the nearest Walmart purchasing some last-minute items like hairspray, protein bars, among other random items that I thought I needed. I’m running a little low on time to get to the recital hall where the competition was being held, so I increase my walking speed through the aisles, hurriedly grabbing things off the shelves while trying to remain calm and focused. In the midst of my inner chaos, I pass a teenage girl wandering through the same aisle as me, dawning a sweatshirt with the word “Queen,” accompanied by the band’s original emblem that Freddie used his graphic design skills for. I stop in my tracks in slight disbelief, partially feeling like this is just a coincidence and I shouldn’t think too much about it. I wanted to compliment the girl before me on her choice of clothing, but being too shy, I subtly smile at her, and she smiles back at me with an almost knowing look. The moment was less than a second long, but I shared a brief connection with someone who was probably also inspired by Freddie and the rest of the band, enough for her to buy their merchandise or receive it as a gift from someone who was aware of her enthusiasm. Before I know it, I’ve left the checkout line and am heading to the concert hall, where my fate for the next couple hours would no longer be in my hands.

Hours go by, and I am backstage of the concert hall, waiting in the wings to perform next. I pace around nervously, thinking about my fellow competitors and how they deserve to be there more than I do. I start to doubt myself and my talent, and wonder how I even got this far. My legs are shaking to the point where I might fall over at any moment. In the midst of all this nervousness and feeling lost, I remember to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and mentally recite my most recent mantra, Freddie, please be with me on that stage. Please give me your confidence, your strength, and your courage to perform well. I open my eyes and immediately sense a change: I feel a lot calmer. My legs have stopped shaking and I feel more grounded and connected to the earth. My posture has improved, and even though I’m not looking in a mirror, I can tell that there’s a certain glow on my face. And to top it all off, I feel a warmth on my left shoulder, as if someone were touching it. I placed my hand on that shoulder and that warmth spreads throughout my entire body. I instantly imagine Freddie telling me, “You can do it, darling. Show all of them that you deserve to be here and that you deserve to be listened to.” Before I know it, it’s time for me to get on the stage and I’ve never felt this ready in a very long time.

My performance goes by quickly, and it helps that there is an audience in addition to the judges. It makes it feel more like a concert than an audition. Without my nerves and low self-esteem that I normally have, I can finally enjoy the music and think about the text, and my acting feels natural and not forced. Most of all, my breathing is stable and I can get through each musical phrase clearly and without fear of losing air. I could give less of a shit about what others think of me at this moment. I’m finally at peace and I remember why I love doing this so much. At the very end of my performance, something compels me to strike a power pose at the highest note I sing with the loudest volume. It wasn’t inappropriate, I think it completely worked in the context of what I was singing, and I’m positive that Freddie was responsible for me doing that. I finally have finished singing and take a bow, then leave the stage in relief, content and satisfied with myself, something that is astonishingly rare.

At the end of the day, I didn’t end up winning any award or moving on to the next level. I couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed, but I’m glad I made it this far. Most of all, I did the best that I thought that I possibly could, and I started to believe in myself again. I’m not feeling unmotivated because I didn’t win anything. In fact, it’s the polar opposite. I am wanting to keep going and I’m hungry to learn and improve more. Before I mentally signed off from performance mode, I hear someone say something along the lines of, “It’s alright, darling. There’s always next time, and I know you’ll make them regret not choosing you. I’m so proud of you, my love.” and I silently thank Freddie for all that he has done for me.

*********

Tag List: @siriuslovesmarlene, @r-ahh-mi, @yousaycoke-isaycaine, @ramibaby, @sherlollydramoine, @unknownauthor

[carmenlire]

Higher than the Big Trees Ch. 11

read on ao3

It takes forty minutes to get to the library and two subway changes. Alec is still woefully early, though, walking up to the front steps a quarter of an hour before they’d agreed to meet. He pulls out his phone to check his notifications and his phone is silent. There hasn't been any texts from Magnus today and Alec has the errant thought that Magnus might be avoiding him, that he might not show up this evening.

He’s glaring at his phone, already planning on just how embarrassing it will be to walk back to his place with Simon still hanging about, when a voice breaks through.

“Good evening, darling. Looks like we both like to be early,” a smooth voice says.

Alec looks up and sees Magnus. His breath stutters.

Magnus is wearing black trousers cuffed at the ankle with black ankle boots with a low heel. His shirt is a swirling mix of gold and red and there’s matching blond highlights running through his hair. His makeup is sharp and flawless. Alec’s brain short circuits a bit and there’s a beat of silence before he comes back online, a genuine smile lighting up his face.

“Magnus, hey. You’re looking well.” He fumbles a bit at the end, but Magnus’s smile doesn’t falter as he gives Alec a once-over.

Magnus waves a head dismissively. “No need to flatter me. I’ve been running around all day like a chicken with its head cut off. My students were exceptionally needy today. Inconvenient that it was today of all days, but it’s good to know that they do care a bit more than their blank faces suggest most of the time.”

Alec lets out a breath as he processes Magnus’s words. There’s a pinch of relief knowing that Magnus was busy. He wasn’t actively ignoring Alec. Although in the next second that turns to sardonic self-chastisement. They’re barely friends and Alec is worried about Magnus losing interest? This isn’t high school and he needs to get a grip.

The two of them stare at each other for a long minute, a bubble of stillness as people bustle around them, heading home from work or out to dinner.

Alec shakes himself and nods towards the glass doors of the library.

“Ready to head inside?”

Magnus nods once and smiles, turning with a bit of flair, and holds the door open for Alec when they reach it.

Alec swoons a little at such a simple gesture and tries to ignore how such a little thing makes him warm.

The New York Public Library is buzzing. There are children in one area enthralled with story-time and teens sitting on their phones looking disillusioned and bored in the lobby. There are a number of adults standing at the checkout line and as they walk through the library towards the event room, Alec’s eyes catch on a book display.

Alec keeps up with a handful of writers, is passionate about a range of topics. The display looks to be about new nonfiction and as he looks over the book covers, his gaze lands on a name. Magnus, who was keeping stride with him, falters imperceptibly as he, too, takes a closer look at the line of books.

Alec takes in the title as he picks it up.

European Conquerors: The Rise of European Imperialism in the Seventeenth Century.

It looks to be an anthology and Magnus’s name is the last one, in the place where the most well-known academics are always put, as a sort of literary coup de grace. Alec doesn’t know Magnus’s last name, but it’s not like his is a well-known first name.

Alec repeats it in his head. Magnus Bane. Looking over at the man in question, he’s fiddling with his ear cuff, studiously not returning Alec’s questioning gaze.

There’s a moment of silence as Alec reads the synopsis, glances through the book. Finally, he looks up to see Magnus’s eyes already on him.

His lips quirk up as he raises a brow. “I mean, obviously you’re a brilliant professor, but I didn’t know just how well-regarded you were in your field.”

Magnus shakes his head a little, smiles as he sees Alec tuck the copy under his arm. He starts speaking as they continue to make their way to the meeting room.

“And why would you, darling? We travel in very different circles. You might be well-read but I’ve chosen a career as an academic. I don’t dedicate my life to things that I’m not very good at.”

Alec huffs out a laugh, hums a little in agreement. It’s only a minute later that they’re entering the room. It’s one of the library’s bigger meeting rooms, with a projector hook-up on the ceiling and the screen already pulled down. It’s only about a third full, as they’re just under half an hour early, and Alec faces a bit of a conundrum.

It’s impossible to deny that if anyone saw him, this could turn into a circus within minutes. Alec has had to give up a lot of things for his career but he loves going to lectures and museums and movie theatres-- he’s just gained a better strategy these past few years.

Seeming to pick up on Alec’s thoughts, Magnus falls back a step, following Alec as he makes his way to a row in the middle at the very end, opposite from the door, by the window. They sit down on the hard plastic chairs and there’s a moment of silence.

Alec is overtly aware of Magnus sitting right next to him, so close that their shoulders brush together. He smells his cologne-- sandalwood-- and is a little overwhelmed.

Alec can’t remember the last time a guy affected him like this.

He doesn’t have long to think about the repercussions of that, though, because Magnus turns in his chair, angling towards him, and gives him a less-than-subtle once-over.

“So, darling, tell me. How did such a famous celebrity become so interested in scholarly pursuits?”

Alec laughs a little. “It’s a pretty boring story, really. I started singing when I was sixteen and by the time I graduated high school, I was lined up to tour and record for the next few years. It seemed liked every moment was taken up with making sure I stayed relevant back in those days. College was out of the question, but I was class valedictorian. I was a giant nerd, really, and I figured just because I couldn’t get a degree didn’t mean that I couldn’t learn on my own time, about things I was really interested in. Reading, and documentaries, really became an escape from the crazy world I was not only catapulted into, but was kind of made the king?

“I could learn about Chinese emperors from thousands of years ago or how the brain works. I love history, though, because it’s just so vast, but I dabble in a lot of different areas. Plus, I like to read fiction. Honestly, you name it, I’ve probably read a book on it. I guess, reading is just a passion of mine. I always like to pop into bookstores in every country I tour and I’ve held a NYPL library card since I could walk. I make sure to keep it renewed and while it’s gotten harder the past few years, when I’m in the city for a while, I always visit. They have really excellent collections and their programming is always full of interesting events.”

Alec breaks off, realizing that he’s been talking nonstop. He looks over at Magnus, expecting to see glazed eyes and regret. However, Magnus is looking at him attentively, smiling just a bit.

Alec gets a little lost in those eyes, such a deep brown, and jolts a little when Magnus starts talking.

“I’m proud of you, Alexander,” he says warmly. “It couldn’t have been easy being so young and then thrust into such a world. It’s great to have that anchor that lets you take a step away every once in a while.”

Alec flushes a little, uncomfortable with the praise. He’s received every possible compliment in every combination, but just a few kind words from Magnus has heat building in his cheeks.

He clears his throat.

“Thanks, Magnus. I know it’s not as impressive as you-- a professor at Columbia for fuck’s sake-- but I enjoy it. Speaking of, what made you go into academia?”

Magnus barks out a laugh. “Well, I promise you I never intended to follow this path. In high school, I admit I was a bit of a dismal student. I aced my classes but it was purely because I didn’t have to work for it. School was easy and it left me with entirely too much time to get up to no good. I hung out with a bit of a bad crowd who thought school and homework was ‘lame’ and useless. I usually felt like a criminal working on my papers and assignments in secret.

“It was my senior year and by the grace of God, I had a teacher who took an interest in me. She had to be seventy-- she wore those tortoise shell glasses that hang from the neck-- and she told me that I had potential. Now being a snot-nosed teenager, I curled my lip at the motivational speech and dashed off to meet my friends. Yet, she didn’t give up. Slowly but surely, I started pulling away from those friends and staying after school with her. She would grade papers while I worked on homework and, eventually, college applications. She must have written one hell of a recommendation because I landed a spot at Yale and I haven’t looked back.”

Alec takes in what Magnus has just said, impressed.

“It had to be hard moving to a brand new city, right? Especially since you’d left your old friends behind even before graduation.”

Magnus hums, thinking. “I think it would have been harder if I wouldn’t have made such great friends right off the bat. My roommate freshman year was a transplant from London and while he’s insufferable, he’s also the best friend I could ever ask for-- just don’t tell him that. We both teach at Columbia and it’s been, my God, over ten years now that we’ve known each other.”

“Wait, where are you from,” Alec asks, backtracking a little as he realizes that he’d just assumed that Magnus had upended his life to move to university.

Magnus smirks. “New York born and bred, darling. I live in Brooklyn, now, and honestly can’t imagine myself living anywhere else. I went to England for my doctorate and while lovely, there’s just something about this city that I don’t think I can escape-- or that I would even if I could.”

Alec’s just opening his mouth to ask a question-- the more he knows, the more he wants to know-- when a voice comes on over the speaker.

There’s a few seconds of feedback from the microphone before it’s clear.

“Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the New York Public Library. This evening we have Dr. Lorenzo Rey who’s here to talk about the history of fascism and its role in today’s political climate. Lorenzo is an adjunct professor at NYU and wrote his thesis on the topic.”

There’s a smattering of applause and Alec sinks down a little in his seat, trying his best to remain unobtrusive. He claps a few times but notices that Magnus doesn’t, that he just recrosses his legs and leans back in his seat. It’s a little incongruous that he’d be so rude, especially given everything Alec’s seen so far about the man, but he shrugs it off. Not everyone needs to applaud all of the time, after all.

Dr. Rey talks for an hour. His presentation is informative and Alec wishes he’d thought to bring a notebook to write down some of the more interesting tidbits. He has a tendency to speak directly from the slides-- breaking off only to share personal anecdotes that are probably meant to be funny and endearing, but all in all it’s not the worst lecture Alec’s ever been to.

The speaker opens the floor up for questions and Magnus’s hand immediately shoots up, along with a half a dozen others. If Alec didn’t know better, he’d think that this Dr. Rey was trying to ignore Magnus, as he calls on every other person before finally acknowledging him.

Magnus hasn’t gotten impatient or frustrated. He’s been calmly keeping his hand raised, waiting to be called on.

With an infinitesimal pause that Alec doubts anyone but the three of them notice, Magnus starts speaking. His question appears to have several parts and though Alec is obviously no slouch, he can hardly keep up with the esoteric language.

Magnus is the picture of earnest, appearing like the proverbial scholar just trying to gain answers to a topic of extreme interest. Alec detects the edges of a smirk curling on Magnus’s lips, though, and wonders what he’s missing.

Rey takes a few long minutes to answer, stumbling over his words a few times. At this point Alec isn’t paying too much attention to the content, trying to figure out the dynamics and hidden meanings between these two.

There’s a pause and Alec shakes his head a little, turning in to see that Dr. Rey is apparently finished with his response. Alec can’t be sure but it looks like he’s sweating.

Alec looks over at Magnus and sees nothing but professional calm, though he can’t deny that smug tilt of his head.

The program ends just a minute later and they stay sitting while everyone else floods out, some people walking up to the front of the room to speak to the presenter more directly. It had been a packed room-- over a hundred people-- and once there’s only a dozen or so people lingering, Alec stands up, Magnus following suit.

“So,” Alec starts. “What did you think of the lecture?”

Magnus hums, narrowing his eyes a little as he thinks. “There was a lot of good information. Overall, I’d say he did a competent job.”

They walk out of the room into the busy center of the library. There are people everywhere and Alec’s heart warms-- he loves libraries and it’s good to see one thriving.

He looks over at Magnus as they start walking towards the self checkout kiosk-- Alec still needs to get the book he’d picked up before the program.

“Competent? That’s more generous than I expected. I’m fairly sure I detected some tension between the two of you.”

Chuckling, Magnus responds, “What you detected, darling, was professional rivalry. That I’m winning. Really, it’s not even a rivalry. It’s just Rey oozing his envy all over the place.”

Magnus breaks off and gives Alec a look as he realizes where they’re headed. His eyes dart down to the book that Alec’s been holding onto since they walked in the door.

“You don’t have to actually checkout that book, you know. I’m sure you have better things on your reading list than a dry anthology about imperial conquests several centuries ago.”

Alec just hums a little as he reaches for his wallet, taking out his library card. “No, this has just moved to the number one spot. I won’t guarantee that I’ll read it all-- but I’m definitely going to at least read your chapter.” He throws an open grin over to Magnus.

There’s no response. Magnus just fiddles with that ear cuff and smiles a little, seemingly to himself. Alec quickly scans the book and takes his receipt before facing his new friend completely.

It’s just shy of eight and the sun’s still up. They’ve been together a little over two hours but Alec’s not ready for the evening to end. Magnus is quickly becoming an endless fascinating puzzle to him-- the more he knows, the more he wants to know. Magnus’s intense focus during the lecture was endearing and. . . a little hot, if he’s being honest with himself.

Sue him, he’s always been attracted to the smart ones. There’s just something about intelligence-- as long as it’s balanced out with warmth and humor-- that never fails to make him a little hot under the collar.

Clearing his throat, Alec chastises himself and reiterates that they are just friends. Nothing more. Magnus is looking at him expectantly and Alec says the first thing that comes to mind.

“I don’t know what your schedule is like but if you don’t have a too early morning, we could get ice cream? I know this little mom and pop shop just a block or two over.”

Before Magnus can respond, Alec rushes out, “But, there’s no pressure obviously. We only agreed to the library part. Who knows, you might already have plans for the rest of the night.”

Magnus smiles at him and as they walk out of the library.

“I do have plans. It looks like there’s a little ice cream shop that I simply have to try,” he says with a grin.

Alec’s nerves settle a little and he nods, smiling back at this entrancing man before him. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go.”

They start walking down the block. The streets are busy and the two of them stay close, walking in sync. Their hands brush together, once, and heat climbs up the back of Alec’s neck.

Neither one acknowledges it.

It’s only a few minutes later that Alec’s swinging open a cheery blue door, hears the faint tinkling of a bell chiming above their heads. Magnus nods once to thank Alec for holding the door open for him.

Alec’s studying him closely, gauging his reaction. The place only has four tables, all of them currently unoccupied. It’s really not trendy, just a hole-in-the-wall ice cream parlor that serves homemade ice cream-- the best he’s ever had. The decor is eccentric with jarring patterns and clashing colors. It’s hideous but fun and their flavors match the ambiance.

Magnus looks around for a moment before turning to Alec, who’s just inside the door.

“Well, darling, I have to admit that even when you said mom and pop, I wasn’t expecting a place so hidden away. I’ve probably walked right past this place a dozen times and never given it a second thought. It’s cute, though.” He laughingly grimaces. “In a kitschy sort of way, of course.”

Alec laughs. “Their decorating is a bit of a train wreck, but I love it. It really fits the owners.”

The two of them walk up to the counter and look over the dozen flavors displayed below. Against the back wall there’s a menu with a few other treats-- sundaes, blizzards, milkshakes, and some novelty desserts like frozen chocolate-covered bananas.

There are a few of the classics like vanilla and rocky road, but one reason Alec loves this place is because their offerings can be a little out of the box. There’s a lavender, pistachio rose, and even the ubiquitous chocolate and bacon. Alec shudders just thinking about trying that heinous flavor.

Magnus’s eyes are roving over the shop, looking at the ice cream and the menu, occasionally getting stuck at a newly seen piece of decor, when the door behind the counter swings open to reveal a graying man with two tattoo sleeves, a buzzcut, and a septum piercing.

The man laughs delightedly as he takes in his latest customers.

“If it isn’t Alec. Boy, it’s been too long since you showed your miserable face in these parts.”

Alec laughs as he walks closer to the counter, leaning over it to give the man a bear hug.

“Hey, Marv,” he says, pulling back. “I just got back from work and figured I’d stop by.”

He can feel Magnus’s eyes on his back but doesn’t pull his attention from Marv. There’s a minute of pleasantries before the bell above the front door chimes open and an elderly woman as round as she is tall walks in. She has to be eighty if she’s a day, but she has good bones-- she doesn’t look over sixty-five. She breaks into a smile as she takes in the customer at the register.

“Alec,” she cries and toddles forward. Alec meets her halfway, bending down to return her hug. She only comes up to his chest.

“Anna,” Alec says warmly. “Long time, no see.”

Anna slaps at his arm, playfully, as she glares at him. “A bit more than a long time. It has to be a year since you last graced our place with that handsome face.”

Smiling, Alec just offers, “You know how work is. You put your head down to finish a project and before you know it, it’s been months and you’re just catching up to real life.”

Both Anna and Marv laugh. “We know all about that, son. The first few years we owned this shop, we barely took enough time away to sleep.” He points a gnarled finger at Alec. “Just make sure you don’t run yourself ragged. You have to take time for the important things and fuck knows work isn’t that.”

Alec laughs a little and when he looks up, his eyes meet Magnus’s. Alec’s breath catches, just for a second. He doesn’t know what Magnus is thinking, but Alec can’t help but picture a life in the slower lane, even if it's just for a moment. He won’t ever leave the industry, but it does sound idyllic, imagining coming home from either a long day at the studio or from getting his ass handed to him from corporate execs, and there’s a man waiting for him with a soft kiss and lingering touch.

A man that looks suspiciously like Magnus.

The moment, whatever the hell it was, is broken in a second as Anna turns to Magnus and takes him in. She goes in for a hug and, though obviously surprised, Magnus returns it, smiling at Alec above her head.

She pulls back and pinches his arm, lightly, obviously admiring his muscles.

“Well, I see you brought a fella around, dear. It’s about time. God knows Marv and me have been wondering when you’d settle down with a nice man.”

Alec chokes on nothing.

“Uh, no, Anna. This is Magnus. He’s just a friend.”

Anna walks over to Marv, behind the counter, and they share a look. She throws on an apron and washes her hands before turning back to them.

“Whatever you say, dear.”

She smiles as she says it, but then she winks at Magnus and Alec wishes the ground would swallow him up.

Magnus truly is a friend, and while Alec can’t help but think of what it could be like to have more, he doesn’t want to scare Magnus off before they’ve finished hanging out for the first damn time.

Magnus takes in stride, just raises a brow to Alec before laughing it off. Alec knows it’s stupid, but he feels a little disappointed at Magnus’s obvious brush-off.

He rallies instantaneously and clears his throat. He tilts his head to Magnus, towards the tubs of ice cream, a silent question.

Magnus nods and they walk up to the register. Alec orders a double scoop of cookies n’ cream in a cup while Magnus chooses clementine pomegranate in a cone.

Alec pays, brushing off Magnus’s offer, and sits down at the table nearest the door. It’s in front of the window, a perfect opportunity to people watch as the sun starts to dip in the sky.

There’s a few minutes of silence as they get settled and take the first few tastes of their ice cream.

Finally, Alec can’t take it anymore.

“So, what do you think?”

Magnus takes another lick of his cone, tongue slowly trailing up the side where some had started to melt down, and hums.

Alec feels death.

“It’s delicious, of course. I should have known that you’d be right. This is definitely my new favorite dessert stop.”

Alec blinks a few times, trying to break his focus on Magnus’s mouth.

He grins. “I’m glad you like it. This is one of a kind, that’s for sure.”

“You’ll get no disagreement from me. How did you even hear about this place, darling?”

“I was just strolling through the city one morning, looking for inspiration. I had planned to write all day-- this was during recording for my fourth album-- and I saw this bright blue door tucked into an alley. I was curious, so I checked it out. They’re open twenty-four hours a day, and I just set my songbook on a table and walked up to order. It was fun and I thought that even if I didn’t get anything done for the day, I could enjoy some ice cream. Turns out, Marv and Anna were both working that day and I ended up talking to them for a few hours. They’re a hoot.”

Magnus takes another obscene lick and laughs. “I got that impression, really just from the shop.” He pauses, sucks some ice cream that’s dripped onto his thumb into his mouth.

Alec’s blood rushes south and he starts reciting lyrics from his first album as a distraction.

“Excuse me if I’m wrong, but I get the impression that Marv and Anna don’t know that you’re famous.”

Alec huffs out a laugh, takes a breath. He’s comfortable answering this question.

“They don’t,” he says, bluntly. “I think they think I’m like a Wall Street broker or some shit. They just know I work a lot. Nothing else.”

Magnus studies Alec for a minute and Alec looks down at his ice cream a few seconds in, taking a few large spoonfuls as he waits for a response.

“It must be nice to be anonymous here,” Magnus says softly.

Alec’s gaze shoots up and his eyes bore into Magnus’s for a moment.

“Yeah,” he breathes. “I’m used to being recognized anywhere I go. I like to savor the moments when I can just be, when I’m just one man among a million. It sounds like bullshit I know, but these simple times keep me sane.”

Magnus gets it. It’s only a piece of the bigger puzzle, a little hint at his life, but Magnus understands that his life isn’t completely his own. It’s nice to know there are still people who see Alec as a person.

He’d been running out of hope.

Magnus seems uncharacteristically fidgety for a minute, his hand lingering in the air before returning to the table in a loose fist.

He smiles at Alec.

“Thank you for sharing this with me.”

Alec immediately nods. “Of course. I know we just met and that we’re new friends, but I hope that we can be friends long-term, Magnus. I like hanging out with you and hope we can do something again.”

Magnus finishes his cone and stands up to throw the last of it in the trash. When he comes back to the table, he’s smiling, softly.

He’s beautiful, Alec thinks.

“I like hanging out with you, too, Alexander. I want to be friends with you. I wouldn’t have given you my number if I didn’t see something worth pursuing.”

He’s probably grinning stupidly but Alec can’t find it in himself to give a fuck.

“Great. I’m glad we’re on the same page, Magnus.”

It’s quiet, both of them taking in the night, watching people rush by outside, as Alec finishes his own ice cream. This quiet is nice. It’s different than what he’s used to. Alec loves silence when he’s by himself but he’s found that when he’s with other people, there’s a constant need to fill the space. Not by him, but whoever’s he’s with always talks. They can’t just stand still for a moment and enjoy the peace. It’s by turns saddened and pissed him off. These days, it’s just annoying when someone won’t shut up.

He’s glad Magnus can enjoy the quiet, too.

Eventually, they stand up and head out the door, Alec leaving a hundred on the table after Magnus is outside.

He hurries to catch up to him and breathes in the cool air. There’s not quite as many people out now. It’s just Alec and Magnus standing still as people walk past them.

It’s a moment Alec savors, commits to memory. This is the first time he’s been with anyone new in a strictly platonic sense in longer than he cares to remember. It fills his chest with warmth to know that there’s potential here for a real connection, no matter what kind.

His thoughts break off as he hears Magnus clear his throat.

“So, darling, I was thinking we could meet for lunch one day next week. I don’t know what your schedule is like, but I’ll probably be living at the university next week, but I’d still like to make some time to see you again.”

Alec nods, probably more enthusiastically than strictly needed. “Yeah, that sounds great. What day works for you? I’m pretty flexible.”

Magnus’s eyes squint adorably as he thinks. “I have a standing lunch on Mondays and office hours all afternoon Tuesday. What about Wednesday? There’s this little diner on campus with the best burgers.”

“That sounds perfect. I do love a good burger, you know,” Alec says, delighted.

Magnus nods, dryly. “I had heard that, yes. What do you say to meeting there around 1:30? It’s summer, so campus is usually pretty dead. There shouldn’t be a lot of people there who could recognize you.”

Alec nods, gratefully. “That works. Thanks for thinking of that.”

“Of course, darling, goodness knows I don’t want to be responsible for a riot on Columbia’s grounds. Think of my reputation, after all,” he says with a joking grin.

“Right,” Alec rolls his eyes. “You’re just protecting yourself.”

There’s a beat of silence. This is usually the part where, if this was a date, Alec would lean in and kiss him. This isn’t a date, though, and Alec is at a loss. Thankfully, Magnus steps up.

“I had a wonderful time, Alec, but I need to be heading home. I have that dreaded 8 a.m. class in the morning and I need my beauty sleep if I’m to be presentable for my students. Goodnight, darling.”

Magnus takes a step backward, winking.

“See you, Wednesday.”

Alec nods, unspeaking, and Magnus turns around and heads down the street. He looks relaxed and confident and Alec notices a few heads turn as he passes a few people, street lights showing both men and women taking a second look.

Alec sympathizes.

Alec stands for a moment, letting the last few hours play over in his mind before he turns around and starts heading towards the subway station.

It’s been an exciting day but he’s ready to head home and crash.

He only hopes Simon is already asleep. He doesn’t want to be confronted with an endless string of questions, no matter how well-intentioned.

This thing-- this friendship-- with Magnus is so new and so are the feelings it’s dredging up. Alec wants to sit on tonight for a while. It feels so fragile. It’s just his, no one else's. He doesn’t think he wants anyone else to know about it yet.

It’s just him and Magnus for now, in a little bubble.

Alec smiles, content at the image.

He walks quietly down the block, minding his own business.

He doesn’t hear the flash of a camera down the block, doesn’t feel the eyes following him from the ice cream parlor.

[hi-n-oops]

Fic Rec #3

New weekend, new fics to read!! 

the pink album by suspendrs  @suspendrs

They don’t really discuss how hard it is to be in this situation, or to be doing the things they have to do to continue being together. It’s just something they don’t talk about, and that’s alright. Or maybe it isn’t, but they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it.

Or, a love seven years in the making, inspired by Harry's debut album.

**I have been keeping up with this fic for a long time and I will add it ti my ‘canon’ Larry fic rec. Read this, guys. 10 chapters on each of Harry’s songs.

if it's me you're looking for by eleadore @eleadore

Louis has a bad habit of getting drunk before he confesses--or maybe it's the other way around. AU.

**I dunno why I waited so long to read this fic. It was great!

I Don't Wanna Hurt Anymore by offwiththeirheads @hazzabooween

Harry walks a thin line between breaking his best friend’s heart and fighting a losing battle.

**This was so good guys! It is short but powerful!

Never Too Late by dimpled_halo  @dimpled-halo

Harry’s confused for a moment before it hits him: the little boy is signing. Harry squats down to get to the boy’s level again and mirrors the same action.

“Dad?” He inquires. Harry learned basic sign language after having met a fan who was deaf. He made it his mission to learn signing so that he’d be able to communicate with other fellow hearing impaired fans.

The little boy smiles brightly, his tears now long gone. He goes on to extend both hands, palms up as if he’s asking where? Followed by the previous sign which means Dad. Harry smiles to himself at the amazing little guy standing in front of him.

He stands up taking the boy’s hand, “Let’s go find your dad,” he tells him making the motion with his hand.

Just having come out of the closet and recovering from vocal surgery, famous recording artist Harry Styles needs to get away from LA to work on new music needing to prove to his label that his career isn't over. Little does he know that his life is about to change forever when he runs into an old friend at the city he's decided to escape to.

**THIS WAS SO PRECIOUS! OMG i AM IN LOVE WITH KID FICS AND THIS HITS THE SPOT!!! rEAD THIS!!

give me things to stay awake by embodied @crossnecklace

It’s shitty and it’s counterproductive and it’s self-indulgent, but he lets it become a thing. On Saturday nights Harry goes out and gets so pissed he can’t stand, and when the bartender cuts him off he rings Louis and is in his car within an hour. It’s not a cycle he’s proud of, but it’s also something he can’t resist, and he keeps doing it as long as Louis keeps showing up. AU. It's been a year since Louis broke up with Harry.

**This is a break up/getting back together fic. So be ready with those tissues (seriously, you will need them)!!

If It's Meant To Be (It'll Be, It'll Be) by lululawrence @lululawrence

“So, anyway. I’m done here and on my way to the airport. I think I’m expected to be there in the morning, around ten. I’ll let you know when I’m getting close.”

“Sounds good.” Harry pulled back from the window and threw himself onto one of the beds. Once he got comfortable, he steeled himself and then went for it. “It’s been too long this time, Lou,” he finally whispered. He watched as Louis bit his lip and nodded slowly.

“I know,” Louis agreed, just as quiet in return. “We have to swear to never go this long without seeing each other again. Two months is just...unacceptable. I’m gonna go now, but I’ll see you soon. ‘Kay?”

“Yeah. See you. Be safe,” Harry said, far too fondly for his best friend. He couldn’t help it though. It was how he always had been and probably always would be.

They hung up and Harry threw his arm over his face.

“I am so in love with him,” he whined to himself. “Fuck.”

** This fic was so adorable, guys! MUTUAL PINING!!!

We'll Be Seamless by waytoomanypeopleintheaddisonlee (dinosaursmate) @dinosaursmate

Green reblogged an old photo of himself. It was from back in October, a Halloween special. A pulse shot all the way through Louis because this photo was his absolute favourite, and it had taken the rest of the year for him to wean himself off of it.

Green was on his knees, arms stretched out in front of him with his fingertips digging into the surface of his bed. He was wearing a pair of cat ears on his head, his curls falling forward. His back was arched, and in the foreground of the picture, Green’s bum was high in the air, a long, black cat tail sitting neatly between his cheeks. --- Louis spends all his spare time scrolling arty nude blogs on Tumblr but amongst them all, Green is his favourite.

**I dunno why I did not come across this fic before because it is GOLD! I love tumblr fics and this was so awesome!! (Also, check out the blog this fic is based on...life changing *cough*)

Like a Bullet in the Dark by Vurdoc  @vurdoc

Prince Harold Edward Styles Lancaster is second in line to the throne of Great Britain. He is also your average Uni student- or he tries to be, anyway.

With a promise from the press (and his father) that they'll leave him alone for four years, he sets out to be a student at Cambridge, when he meets his very normal, very working class, very handsome suite-mate, Louis Tomlinson.

Louis makes Harry feel more like a person than he ever has before, which might cause some issues later on- 'cause Harry has a secret that he's only told his sister Gemma about.

Little does he know though, that Louis has some secrets of his own.

A Will & Kate Au- with a twist.

**This is sorta WIP because the author is writing a series. Saying too much about this fic will probably ruin it, so.. just read it!

Take Me To A Dream by waytoomanypeopleintheaddisonlee (dinosaursmate) @dinosaursmate

“Hiya,” Harry said, beaming up at him. “These sandwiches any good?” Words failed Louis, and he felt his shoulders shrug. “They’re fine for, like, eating.” Harry paused, mid-swipe of Louis’ staff discount card. “I don’t use my sandwiches for much else, personally.” Louis sighed to himself, embarrassed. A small smile was playing on Harry’s lips, dimple denting his cheek. God, Louis felt like a bloody idiot. --- There's just something about the new checkout boy that makes Louis lose his cool and act like a complete idiot, which doesn't escape the attention of Liam or Niall. As much as Louis hates embarrassing himself, there's something about Harry that keeps Louis coming back for more.

**Erm... same author twice. But both fics are so different! This is FLUFF!!

i want you so much (but i hate your guts) by becauselarry (WIP) @obviouslybecauselarry

AU in which Louis gets accepted to play for the Manchester University Alpha-Beta Football Team. The only problem: Louis is actually an Omega. He is determined to make it big in the football world, though, and he can't do that bound to an Omega team. With the help of a faked doctor's certificate and some pretty strong suppressants he is ready to fight for his dream.

That Harry Styles (Alpha, second year and youngest football captain of the A-B team in ages) doesn't seem to like him complicates matters, though.

**I know its WIP but its so good!! And ENEMIES TO LOVERS! Go and read it! 

i'm still learning to love by stylinsonau (WIP)

“Hello there.” Louis crouches in front of the small child, brunette with light sleepy eyes. He smiles fondly. He looks a lot like his father, but with a little less laugh lines, and frowns, and grumpiness.

The child continues to rub at his eyes, clutching at his little shark before he asks, “Are you gonna be my new Dada?”

Harry stiffens.

Or

An au where Harry has almost everything in the world except for the will to move on.

** ANother kid fic! Babysitter Louis! 

I wanna rec so much more. But its getting pretty long. And DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE A KUDOS AND NICE COMMENTS FOR THE AUTHORS!! 

Happy Reading!!!!!!!!

[kristens-chaotic-life]

Just Breathe...Update 3

Well I wonder how long this one will take me to write...if I go the rate of my last one it will be awhile. But we will see what happens. (Update its only taking me 2.5 days so far, and I might actually finish it tonight) And I have a good feeling this will be just as long if not longer than my last update.  Personal Growth...my mental health. Something really important. And there is so much to be said here. 

**And just kinda a heads up now that I’ve written a good 3 pages here...this entry is mostly discussing my journey through counseling and talking about how I have an amazing therapist. As well as how important it is to get the help you need (and deserve!) 

***Adding now that I finished this: To some people this entry might seem silly, or weird, or you are wondering why I wrote this. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to some. Or maybe it doesn’t seem like there's personal growth here. But that's ok. I found it to be harder to put down into words than I expected it to be. There's so much more to be said here. So it turned more into my story, my journey. And if maybe one person who reads this can relate, or feel like they aren’t alone, then this blog served its purpose <3

I want to start with sharing something I posted on my facebook back in July:

I have seen a lot of people mention lately about being diagnosed as having anxiety and not knowing what to do about it, or having doctors who do not seem to care about helping. Or people who will tell you its all made up and you need to just deal with it. Or the misconception that if you have anxiety you must also have depression. That isnt true either! But not getting your anxiety under control can certainly lead to that! Sure most people have some sort of anxiety, but some people might need a little extra help managing that, and that's totally ok!! Get the help you need, so that you can be YOU! Not the same thing works for all people. Some might find help in medications(scripts or natural alternatives, I currently use a combo, very low dose med in combination with CBD) or sometimes having a counselor/therapist does wonders or maybe you need both! I can say 100% talking to a therapist/counselor has made a world of difference in the level of anxiety I feel on a day to day basis and managing it. Why am I saying this? Maybe there is someone out there too afraid to reach out, because they are embarrassed or they are being told their anxiety "is not that bad". (I know some people who have been turned away from help because they aren't "that bad" because there are a lot of places who won't consider seeing you unless you are literally mentioning self harm or can't even care for yourself anymore). There are other options ❤ I would be glad to point anyone in the right direction to find one of those places! Just know you are not alone ❤ and that you should not ever feel bad about needing a little extra help! And if anyone ever wants to talk Im here! Do not settle if what your doctor is telling you or giving you doesn't work or help. Keep looking!

(For the record, I am fine. I have not, nor ever been depressed, never considered self harm, and have not been concerned about my ability to take care of myself or children. Just had been an anxiety filled mess! But with the help of an awesome therapist/counselor and an amazing office I have been able to manage it! Other than your normal things that come up and cause anxiety of course lol)

Alright, So I know that I’ve always had a little bit of anxiety. I feel like pretty much everyone does.. Some are able to control it and some need some help.  I used to think I handled it pretty well. I remember having a few episodes of social anxiety where I’d be at a grocery store and get overwhelmed if it was too busy and being like screw this I’m out. Abandon cart and get the hell out of there. This still happens some but I don’t abandon cart since it typically has a child in it lol. I checkout whatever I got and call it a day, and come back when I can. But a few years ago I got into a weird phobia that was overtaking my life. When I had episodes I would be in total panic mode and seriously could not function. I’d shut down anywhere from hours to days where I would do nothing other than tend to this fear. The specific fear is irrelevant so I’m not getting into what it was over. I’ve opened up to a few people about what it was. But really this can apply to a lot of fears or phobias. Finally I decided to seek help in helping me deal with this. My friends didn’t know what to say to help. Zach didn’t know what to say to help. I was embarrassed to talk to people about it. But I was miserable.  So I started counseling. I’d say this was a little over 2 years ago when I started my counseling journey. Prior to that I did see my family doctor and they put my on zoloft, and just kept upping my script to see if it would help. I started seeing a therapist, and she was great. We talked things through, worked on some strategies to deal with what was going on. After a couple months things were fine. Or so they seemed. I was discharged from the office. A few months later things got worse again and I went back to the office. Also started seeing someone  there and having him in charge of my meds instead of my family doctor. That change made a big difference. We stopped my zoloft and switched over to a low dose of buspar. I finally had someone that listened when I said hey this medicine is not helping me. We keep bumping up the script and all that is happening is I’m getting killer migraines! This is not ok. So that switch made a huge difference.  Shortly after that the therapist I was seeing left. And I was switched to someone new. This created a huge panic in me. I had been talking to someone that knew me, knew what was going on, seemed to be helpful and just like that gone, and I’d have to start over. For me trusting someone is pretty hard. And being able to be open is a challenge. So then they told me who they were putting me with, now I didn’t know anyone else in the office so I didn’t have a preference really. But  they said we will put you with Chad.. I just kinda looked at them and was like ummm...soo...if this doesn’t work can I switch please? The thought of telling everything that was going on with me to a male was just not something I feel like I could do.  And they were like oh he’s great, you will really like him. I remember leaving that day feeling lost. Super uncertain how things would go. I did not have a positive outlook on this at all. I was at a place where I needed someone I could be comfortable with and change is not my friend. I remember calling my best friend Gen and being like man..Idk about this. How can I talk about everything I was talking about before with some guy? The first time I was on my way in to see him I talked to Gen again, pretty freaking out and nervous. Let me go back for a second, I was nervous my first time seeing my previous therapist as well, but not like this. So after leaving my first appointment I called Gen back. I just remember saying I think this is really going to be helpful! I was seriously amazed. I left feeling refreshed, having someone with a different perspective on things, I felt comfortable, he prayed with me, and I was actually looking forward to going back. Now I honestly can’t tell you the last time we discussed my initial issue of what brought me in. As that has been something that I have learned to deal with, I can recognize when I’m about to have panics over that and I have my things I do to just keep peace with that. But after handling that other things that were causing me stress and anxiety would come up.  I feel like now I’ve been working on so many other things in my life.  I really do believe that going to counseling has helped me grow in so many different areas. Spiritual, mental, personal. Because of what was going on first, I was able to open up about more things...there were way more things going on in my life other than just that 1 weird thing! Just learning how to control my emotions in general is huge. How to respond to situations better. Reminding me to focus on breathing because that helps regulate the emotions. I cannot tell you how often I am told to do this. Seriously all the time. Because it's so easy to get caught up in whatever it is that is stressing me out or causing me to panic, that after I’m told that I realize yea, my breathing is ALL over the place. Maybe one day I won’t have to be reminded LOL but seriously that will probably be a while. But I’m trying.  I can say that I respond to certain things better now in most cases. If I don’t I can recognize later, like ok yep. I messed up there. I do have quite a few times where I get caught up, feel like I can’t deal and ask for help. Or need extra help talking through things. Maybe too often. But I think I’m getting there.  Sometimes just talking it through I can pick out if I’m being ridiculous or if something really is an issue. And he is always helpful. I have never once felt judgement. Just support. Sometimes the reassurance that I’m being given I really do need. And it is so helpful. Being reminded to have compassion for myself. Knowing that it is ok to make mistakes sometimes, and not beat myself up over it. Just having someone recognize the changes in my life, that I am growing. That is nice to hear. Because sometimes it's hard to see that myself. Hearing the words I’m proud of you, I don’t think I knew how much that could mean until hearing it more recently, especially being said about these types of things(growth). That reminds me that I really am growing as a person. I do credit a lot of my spiritual growth to counseling as well. I am reminded often to pray. When I’m struggling, pray. I know I mentioned that in my last one, but really it has been a huge part. I think that bettering myself mentally has also given me more motivation to do better physically as well. I think it all connects back to my mental state of mind. I needed to put in the work to get better there to get other areas of my life right. And Chad has been a huge part in that and helping me be the person that I really want to be, and know I can be. 

I’ve been asked how in the world can you just open up to someone like that? And let them know so much that's going on in your life. Honestly, now usually it's easy. I don’t even think about it for the most part. But it took time. And trust. You have to trust the person sitting across from you. You have to not feel judgement. If I wasn’t able to open up about so much so that he could know who I am then I wouldn’t have been able to grow like I have. It used to be very scary, and sometimes still can be. He knows so much more than I ever told my first therapist, and because of that I’ve been able to work on so much more! It really is a good feeling. And it's good to have that person that can tell when something is going on. I still remember there was one day I was definitely anxious. I don’t even remember what it was over anymore. But I knew I actually did not want to talk about whatever it was. I was going to just try to let it go. And not too long after I had been there he was like “your anxious, how come” and in my head I’m like dang it. I was trying so hard to not let that show! But of course that's a good thing, and I’m glad he’s able to call me out on that kinda stuff so that it can be talked about and it doesn’t build. I am so grateful that I have such an amazing therapist that I am able to talk about everything, and who is there for me and helping me along this journey to be a better person. I know that there is still a lot of work to be done. And that I will never be done growing. There are a lot of things I’m not great at and need to improve at. But I feel like a lot of people close to me have noticed or commented on my growth in one way or another. And that is encouraging too. 

For the longest time I was silent. I didn’t share what was going on with me. I for sure didn’t tell people I was going to counseling. And so often. I didn’t want that judgement from people. Up until this past summer most people had no idea that's what I was doing. I just had “appointments”. But I’m not ashamed of it. It has done so much for me! And I feel like it could be so helpful for so many people. I also feel like I’m able to respond to some of my friends better too when they are struggling. I’m able to share what I’ve learned in dealing with things with them. Sometimes when my friends will be telling me what's going on with them and how overwhelmed they are with their lives, or their anxieties or just feeling down, I joke that they need a Chad. Sometimes they will be like well, I don’t think I could do that. I never thought I could either. I didn’t understand it. But really, it's helpful :) And asking for help is OK! You don’t have to go through whatever it is you are going through by yourself. Some people feel like just because maybe you have a great support system you don’t need that extra help either. But that's not true either.  I have AMAZING significant other, friends and family who are there for me and support me. But they didn’t understand what I was dealing with, or why, or how to respond to me and help me. Not that they didn’t want to. They just didn’t get it. And that’s ok! That’s why I made the choice to do what I did. And get help for me. And it is doing wonders for me. I am in the best place mentally that I have been in a long time. And I look forward to continuing to grow, and learning how to deal with things better. 

For those of you who might feel awkward about thinking about asking for help, please don’t. And don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I might be a hot mess sometimes and struggling to deal with my own stuff, but I’m always able to listen to a friend who is in need or hurting. 

And remember, BREATHE : ) (note to myself as well ;) ) 

**I do want to add a few thank yous in...because there are people who have contributed greatly to allowing me to work on these things. Zach for being patient with me while I get myself together, and go through this stuff because I can’t always explain it and I know that's frustrating. His mom for helping with the kids, not only sometimes while I had the appointments so that I could actually go alone sometimes so I could be more focused, but for just helping with them in general when things are crazy because having someone else around can make things so much less crazy! My parents for loving me, supporting me and being understanding of my struggles. Stephanie for also helping with the kiddos, either watching them or doing the shuffle. As well as listen to me vent, even if I’m not making much sense. Gen for always being there for me and listening to all the craziness of my everyday life, and helping to calm me down. I am also super thankful for the bond I have formed and is growing with Christy, April and I and our growing friendship and that we are able to talk about certain things together, it truly is wonderful. Of course Chad for being so great at what he does and helping me get to this point, and honestly going above and beyond to help me. And last but not least, I thank God that I have ALL of these people, that I was led to this place and be able to work on getting my life better, and for continuing to work in my life. **