#but also like. how do i explajn to them

[mars-ipan]

it’s so funny keeping my friends who have NEVER ONCE talked abt dream updated on the situation now that he’s face revealed and it was everywhere. i’ve had to tell them i was a “casual dream fan” :|

[viridescent-lament]

a girl was having issues (i didnt hear what they called it but it was similar to tics but not taurettes, the not taurettes things turned to 'yeah i would never call what i face taurettes i have a friend who has it, etc) [minor note, i had a small struggle that i still juggle rn in which some of the 'uwus' she did remind me of the song i listened to, and my brain tries to spin it to 'youre listening/romanticizing her tics into something else (what exactly is unclear) and that means youre a terrible person'

it turns to 'and ocd jsnt just organization and being neat. like, *taps keyboard* if i was ocd id have to be like *taps three more times* or like, my family would die in a horrible accident (i chime in sorta about how i had to explain ocd to a staff member at thw school, alsok that pure o ocd exists, but i pop back iut of the convo quickly)

and then it turns to. 'yeah, there was this girl who faked having multiple personalities. like, DID is dissociation, its not just *snaps* like that, you cant just be like, 'oh im a different person now'' (side note. if it matters. [i dated them so thats why it stuck out] they didnt switch instantly, there was a delay, there were differences that you couldnt fake between alters (one i remember clearly is how rantarou (fictive) was much better at petting my head than hannah (host at the time)))

my brain! jumps on that! was i just naive for 'falling for it'! obviously not, they were professionally diagnosed recently, a girl who doesnt know what shes talking about is not better at recognizing this shit than a professional, why does she think she is the authority on illnesses she doesnt have, (i have been struggling recently thinking my trauma wasnt trauma and that every professional who heard me call it that was laughing behind my back) oh god im faking everything, i have ocd and that must also be fake, even the counting im foing at this moment isnt the same as a compulsiom its just a reassurance to push away bad thoughts

the bell rings! i continue counting in asl on my hand, but i keep fucking up, i try over and over to get it right i have to do it right a certain unknown number of times or i cant stop [is this ocd behaviour? im just saying it is to sound nice, its one of those things i say to apply a meaning that isnt there, etc :p]

get to class and i keep counting into class. (class is asl) i eventually get my computer out and try to work but??? i cant understand what the video is signing? try to look uo meanings but the teacher tlls me to put computers away, i try to follow along to her signs, i cant understand, i dknt understand anything, (begin trying to pull my fingers back enough to break them, im too weak, wrap yarn around my pinky and try to cut off circulation, it doesnt work, unwrap yarn, i fucked up my current project and have tok unravel jt, pull at my skin,)

i eventually pulled off a pinky nail. slowly. digging under . i wanted to get the full nail. the very fierst time i tried, i got the root and ended up nauseous. i pulled it out and it didnt cause nausea but i felt a sudden. relief. not euphoria, it wasnt that strong. but everything felt better. i went tok the nurse (i didnt sign my request, im supposed to sign it, i couldnt remember njrse but i think i do now,too late)

she called the counselor and ive ben transferred out of asl. yay ? !!! i had a 69 and i was very upset because of the reason i got it but i guess thats not a problem nowtheres many thoughts i missed but this is long i just wanted to. say it. because at the time i couldnt even descrive why i did it to the counselor.

starting to see that i overreacted with the 'im not actually mentally ill im a Fake' but also i still feel that strongly. doesnt help that i talked to my therapist about the trauma feelings and what she saud didnt help and i coukdnt explajn why and i ended up trying to burn my self again and i couldnt so i just scratched lines with scissors