#i just gotta find a way to actually do it. it’ll probs be easier if i tell the mean friend over text bc she’s nicer over text

[mars-ipan]

it’s so funny keeping my friends who have NEVER ONCE talked abt dream updated on the situation now that he’s face revealed and it was everywhere. i’ve had to tell them i was a “casual dream fan” :|

[wild-aloof-rebel]

Do you have any tips on how to capture the characters’ voices in fic? I feel like I can never quite do them justice. Thanks!

that’s a good question, and i don’t know that it’s one that i necessarily have an easy answer to. because i think that even if i could somehow give you a checklist of do this, don’t do that, etc. you could follow it exactly and it still wouldn’t guarantee you’d get there. that being said, i do think there are some general things you can do to help yourself out...

1. listen to the show. when i feel like i’m struggling to find their voices, i will throw on a few episodes and just re-immerse myself in the characters. the more recently i’ve actually heard them speaking, the easier i find it not only to write them in the first place but also to tell if what i’ve already written actually sounds like them.

if you’re the kind of person who can write/edit with the tv on, i find that letting episodes just play in the background while i’m working helps even more—i’m not consciously paying attention, but their voices are more present in my head anyway.

2. read it out loud. this is a writing tip i repeat again and again for all kinds of reasons, but when it comes to voice, i think it is truly one of the most helpful tools. it can feel ridiculous, but put on your best david impression or your best moira impression or whatever, and read their dialogue out loud. it’ll give you a better idea of whether or not you can hear those characters actually saying the words that you’ve written, and it can help you make decisions about pacing, emphasis, punctuation, etc. which brings me to my next point...

3. voice is about more than just the words they say. i mean the words are important, and there are definitely word choices that will pull readers right out of the character, but it goes beyond that, too. i talked in this post about some ways to adjust your use of dialogue tags and actions to change the pace of your characters’ speech (#4 on that list), and you can do the same thing with punctuation and italics and all that too to really capture the rhythm of the characters’ speech patterns. don’t go overboard though—if you find yourself putting every third word in italics or punctuating. a whole. entire. paragraph. of dialogue. like this. that’s gonna get really cumbersome for your readers. it’s about finding a balance between trusting that your readers know the characters voices well enough that they can infer some of that for themselves, and gently guiding them to read it specific ways when you need them to.

also, to reiterate something i mentioned in that linked post, characters generally don’t monologue, especially on this show. scenes are short, dialogue is quick, and even the Big Speech kinds of moments tend to come in starts and stops. think about patrick’s proposal, for instance. after david asks what’s going on? we get the whole of patrick’s speech without interruption: so i used to come on this hike a lot when i first moved here and i was developing feelings for this guy i had just gotten into business with. and i didn’t know what to do about it because i didn’t know if that guy had the same feelings or if i’d ever be able to muster up the courage to let him know how i felt. and now here he is, the love of my life, standing in front of me, and this just felt like the perfect place to ask you to marry me. if you put that on the page in one unbroken chunk like that, i’d prob say it was kinda out of character because we don’t ever see patrick give a long speech that smoothly, especially not something he’s so understandably nervous about. the way noah actually delivers that dialogue, it’s in smaller pieces; he pauses, he breathes, he stumbles over himself a little, and then the editing breaks it up even further with shots of david getting progressively more overwhelmed. all of that adds to the way that scene sounds to us, to what we hear as patrick’s voice. you gotta do the same thing with your writing. if you’re putting in unbroken monologues, it better be because they’re auditioning for the next community theatre production, and they better have rehearsed it a whole lot before that lolol. (i’m kidding, obviously, because there are certainly times that i think a character can get on a roll and you want them to just basically word vomit every thought in their head onto your page uninterrupted, but there has to be a reason in order for it to be plausible.)

4. voice is about more than the dialogue. last but not least, if a story is being told from a particular character’s point of view (as most fics are), their voice has to carry through your prose as well. i think most people have a pretty good handle on this concept, but sometimes i do notice what seems to be the author’s voice slipping through and expressing opinions that the pov character probably would not hold. so just remember to keep an eye on that as you write and edit—question whether the things you’re describing really match with the character’s pov. because even if your dialogue is the most spot-on thing ever written, if the rest feels more like what you as an author have to say about it, it’s still not going to feel fully in character

[rochey1010]

Hi guys, 👋 i just wanted to make a post about something that i feel is about to happen on the show, like i am completely convinced of this now.

I'm seeing major foreshadowing going on with Elu and what will be the outcome of the spoiler movie plot.

Ok, so something i've noticed with Eliott this season is that he's kinda in his own world. Yes i know they are showing his individualism and i'm happy to see that because i think he's a beautiful and complex character and deserves so much insight.

But certain things i've noticed in scenes and certain things i've heard Eliott say is starting to make me think we are heading for Eliott having his own rock bottom moment. I'm just gonna list some things that seem to connect for me.

• The hiding and lying really been highlighted with Eliott's arc. The almost casual way too. Like it's a habit and second nature. He's done it so much in my eyes to hide his true self that it's basically become a mask now. How he justifies these things to others and how oblivious he really is to how others see it too. How outside perspective is different from Eliott perspective e g. Lola calling him out with the urbex hiding, Lucas's anger when he was blindsided with Lola being in their home.

•For the first time ever with Lucas we see him at Daphne's party monitoring himself in regards to Eliott's mental illness. He's not monitoring Eliott and i have a theory on that. Lucas is so afraid of being a Lucille that he's passive with things that may be seen as controlling. So instead he tries to be cautious and make the situation about it being Lucas's choice and not a choice made for Eliott. I don't think it's an accident at all that Arthur walks up to Lucas and Eliott and wants to share a joint and Lucas who is cuddling Eliott and playing with his hair brushes Arthur off without saying what the audience is picking up on. For the first time ever we see Eliott chafe under this and we are aware that Eliott knows what Lucas is doing. Eliott tells him in an almost biting the tongue way to go and it's ok. And Lucas says these very telling words "Can i?" And Eliott says "yes Lucas" Lucas then happy kisses Eliott on the cheek and goes off with Arthur.

• The argument Lola wakes up to where we see that Eliott impulsive, forgot to let Lucas know what he was coming home to. Now i must say i don't blame Eliott for not doing this as the night was intense. And he'd just saved a girl from attempted rape and was prob up for hours with her and got very little sleep himself. But i also see Lucas's point too. Lucas is passionate. It's not out of character. It is part of who Lucas is. That is why he is a hedgehog. He is simply prickly and reactive. We have seen this throughout the show. He initially acts in a defensive way (hedgehog quills) and then he calms and deals. But again we see Lucas thrown off guard with Eliott and his impulsivity. So they are yelling and then Lucas says "she has problems" and Eliott tells him he has problems too, and Eliott acts offended that Lucas is being judgmental. And again it's a trait with Lucas too, and highlights again the group dynamics and the reaction to outsiders. Lucas accepts Eliott's illness but found it hard to accept his mothers. His love for Eliott changed his perceptive though as we see in S3. Lucas still shows that he has prejudices. He has made comments that are ignorant and unfair throughout the show e.g. mental illness, LGBTQ+, ableism with Arthur, Panphobia stereotypes etc. He just did it again with Lola. Like i said before, i play no favourites i see these characters as complex and when they're messy or flawed they are more interesting to me. So i have no issues when they F up. They're young, insecure, and it feels true to life. But yeah i notice with Lucas (again highlighting insulation in the group v isolation in outsiders) that Lucas has a moral view. If i care and love you i will accept you warts and all. If you are unknown and alien my quills are ready to go. And this is a direct contrast to Eliott who comes in and spreads his arms ready to hug the world. Even adopts furry animals. 😍

Then again something is said that shows how Lucas views his position with Eliott and his mental health. Eliott gives a hypothetical and says to lucas if he were in trouble Lucas would want him to be helped and safe, and Lucas says back. Yeah, but Lucas himself should be that person that should handle it. Now i don't blame Lucas. He loves Eliott so much and he wants him safe but i got subtle control out of that comment and an implication that Eliott can't handle himself. And we see the direct contrast the night before when Eliott, who the last time we saw in that hoodie with the hood raised, he was at his worst and crying in La Petite Ceinture needing rescue. But now he's the one that finds his power and rescues someone else. That he is capable, individual and has 2 feet.

•The mental illness talk with Lola and us learning more of Eliott's past. I loved this because we again see Eliott speak for himself. We get the much begged for past history of Eliott and his struggles. And he gets to impart wisdom and help someone else. That there is power in this friendship with Lola. For Eliott he not only sees the mistakes of his past he can rectify but he can be strong and guide someone out of the darkness he once found himself in. I find that incredibly beautiful and amazing character insight. But again it highlights how oblivious Eliott is to his actions on the one he loves most. His Lucas. Like i could write a huge ass post on Eliott alone and why he does the things he does, but i may get kicked off the tag if i do. 😄 but 2 words come to mind with Eliott and his love with Lucas.

FEAR: The fear of the past repeating and control happening AND the fear of being real and true because it's too much and you are a burden. And it all being rooted in his mental illness.

"i don't know how to control it and it is killing me"

Eliott tells Lola that his bipolar episodes can be quite violent. That there are funny ones (choc labrador thievery) and very sad ones (3 time attempt to take your life) like i knew his past was dark. (anyone that creates a refuge to release in and cry like you're still hiding, even from yourself and uses that as a coping mechanism?) Something horrible must have happened for you to resort to that.

And i've always maintained that Eliott is one of the darkest Even's, and France have not romanticised the portrayal of his mental illness in any way shape or form. He has snapped at lucas during his crash , had episodes where lucas can only watch him helplessly and love him regardless, his insta journal has been quite heartbreaking with his mental/emotional state, he sometimes won't take his meds, he'll hide his bipolar out of fear and run, he has his personal refuge, he's tried to take his life, he needs to get away and breathe, and he still has suicide thoughts even though he has Lucas. You have got to applaud the show with how they've handled Eliott and his illness. It's very real, and you may love someone immensely but depression doesn't care what they mean to you. They will be by your side but they can't fix you and love your mind to better health. You're still gonna have negative thoughts, you're still gonna slip and regress but having the one you love hold your hand makes it easier to navigate those scary moments. 👏

But through this something dawned on me. Eliott is sabotaging his relationship in his pursuit not to. And i gotta say i find that so sad. He's creating this love bubble, actually they both are, and nothing can penetrate the love bubble. That means fears and insecurities stay outside. He's lying and hiding to protect himself, protect Lucas from himself and keep Lucas from leaving him. Lucas is too but that essay is for another time. 😄 and he says to Lola that to love someone is to accept them even with their flaws. But he's lying to Lola too because he won't let Lucas see his flaws because it means Lucas leaves. 😭 we saw Eliott once open up to Lucas in S3 Lundi and the way Maxence played that scene was beautiful, because you see just how heavy being mentally ill is on Eliott. That he believes he'll just ruin everything around him

"things will change, i don't want them to but they will and it'll be because of me"

He can't keep eye contact with Lucas and his entire demeanour is one of wobbly defeat. You have never seen Eliott more vulnerable in this moment. His shame, embarassment, and self loathing is oozing out of his pores. He doesn't even want Lucas to have to deal with it, and his expectation is that the relationship ends here. And to add to that, he shows just how much he loves Lucas by saying how he can't bear to see him hurt or in any kind of pain. Lucas fights for them and Eliott has hope. But we realise that things don't just change overnight, days, months etc. Eliott still has demons inside him that tell him hurtful and toxic things that all people who suffer with mental illness go through. And when Lucas tells him he loves him there's still a voice in Eliott that says " for how long" and "you won't when you see who i am" i'm not exaggerating here. I deal with mental illness and it destroys your self worth. It is a daily fight and you kinda can see yourself as an alien in the world. It really has the power to twist your perception of the world in the ugliest way. FYI and TMI but when i had a severe anxiety episode that had crept up over years of denial and added to a huge life stressor. It lasted weeks before i accepted i needed help. I used to do what Eliott would do, and when it was too much i would up and leave, go to a nearby park and sit on the bench alone and sad. One time i looked up at the clouds and instead of seeing the beauty of nature, i saw mockery. I actually saw clouds laughing at me. 😄 no it wasn't delusions. It was simply a twisted perception of the world where there was self loathing, failure, and the feeling of powerlessness. I don't know why i included this, sorry for the discomfort. ☺️

But back to Eliott. Lola asks if things will be ok with him and Lucas. Eliott is like yeah and just throws out:

"He's worried about me, i have bipolar disorder, do you know what that is?"

Anyone else pick up on the emphasis Eliott does there in his relationship with Lucas. Brings it back to the mental illness and the oblivious nature of other things, like miss-communication and hiding things. Like Eliott's world in this relationship is "I have bipolar disorder" like that's a huge focus for Eliott.

Then they are comparing loves. Eliott telling Lola that "And i have Lucas, I can't lose this" we are actually hearing this from his mouth, and again, the reinforcement of the root of Eliott's insecurities. I can't lose Lucas. He has made my life better and makes the bad stuff not so overwhelming and scary AKA i'm afraid he will leave. So i will use my power to stop that from happening. She's sad and tells Eliott she had a Lucas (Maya) but lost her. Eliott tells her to find her Lucas and if she loves her she'll accept her. Which is obviously going to happen with Maya and Lola. She'll tell her the past which is connected to Lola's addict issues. And like Lucas, Maya's love for Lola will help her to overcome her pain and move forward, and Lola to find her light and not be so scared of her darkness.

• Every single time Eliott is asked by someone about him keeping things from Lucas. His answer is the obsessive "i want to protect him and i don't want to stress him or worry him" We saw it with Imane in S4 and we saw it with Lola recently. We add on the inner insecurities with "It'll be too much and he won't stay" and here's Eliott folks. 😔 We know he has an arc this season. Max said Eliott has a beautiful emotional journey, and that he helps the main with his past.

But one thing that every person who goes through emotional turmoil AKA Skam season main journey. It's called the moment that is the wake up call for the character. The moment that you are at your lowest and you must face yourself. Eliott can't be main as he's blocked but we are seeing that he has a lot of focus. So far he's in the show a lot and very active too.

We know that Elu's seasons long issues are being addressed finally. We know that Eliott himself will be addressed. What's one thing that has remained the same in Eliott and Lucas's love? The hiding things from Eliott and Lucas forgiving him AKA Lucas has never left. What's one thing that could be a very scary wakeup call for Eliott? Lucas leaving.

Now i don't think those scenes are throwaway at all, and i don't think the dialogue is either. They've slowly set this arc up since S5 for Eliott and the relationship with Lucas. Little stressors that just watching S5 you play off but now paired with S6 become very serious. I've mentioned some of them in other posts. We know the spoiler movie is coming. We know how lucas reacts to Eliott being honest and we can almost say how Eliott reacts = impulsivity and rebellion.

But the fallout? And i do think the story is going there guys. Which i'm fine with tbh, along with the conflict and the relationship. Saying it's just drama or out of the blue would be a humongous lie. This has been building for seasons and it is incredibly consistent with the relationship and the characters. Now i'd agree with fans if Eliott and Lucas were eternally blissful and then suddenly boom issues. But that hasn't happened at all. It's been tiny little stressors building up to the eventual crack, or my analogy = the bubble eventually pops.

So the movie happens, and for Lucas it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. His breaking point for him to end the relationship or leave Eliott. And it's Eliott's breaking point. We have his words, we didn't need them, let's be real, but we have them. He needs Lucas and everyone knows how much he loves him. Like that is not even debatable. Eliott is deeply in love with his hedgehog. But it's the wake up call to the relationship, and it's the wakeup call to Eliott. He can't continue this self sabotage and he has to face everything. But guys, Eliott really emphasised his need for Lucas. That ultimately tells me he's put his mental health on this need too. I think Eliott is going to be triggered and spiral. Like i'm sure of it now. And i think that is when S3 main Lucas will have his talk with S6 main Lola. I think she's gonna bring them back together. And i think that's what Flavie meant in her live "she helps him too"

I just wanna say i'm not gonna be in the tag saying Eliott or Lucas is a villain. I think it's sad when stress happens we pit the characters against each other. I wish the fanbase could be compassionate and empathetic. And you may not agree with what a character does but you accept that these characters are not black and white and they make mistakes, mess up and do stupid shit. It's the journey that we all go on and as other fans have said, growth is not linear.

Finally, god these posts are getting longer. I've lurked for so long and now my thoughts are just piling up. 😄 but yeah, i noticed some fans say that this Lucas and Eliott stuff should be over, they're together a year so should have dealt with their issues. Like i just have to say to that what?? Like relationship issues happen. You don't just fix them and bam happily ever after. The same issues can crop up throughout a relationship, because you are not just dealing with you as a unit but you are dealing with you as an individual too. You have the baggage the relationship causes and your carry on's that you yourself bring to the relationship. Your own personal issues and insecurities can continue to crop up causing problems.

Stressors can expose cracks, and that is what is happening. Denying and placing to the side issues like you'll deal with them later but you never do because you're afraid of the response thinking The relationship fails or you lose each other. Like think of anxiety. It's the ultimate result of not dealing with life issues. They build and build throughout life untill they become a disorder. These 2 haven't dealt with them untill now, and that's why they are coming to a head finally. And from a show perspective the format really limits them. Focusing on one main can't explore others and their issues, because the main has to be there. The only way you can do that is breaking format and Skam is quite strict with their narrative. What's happening with Eliott is a case of 'this is the best we can do' he's blocked but they want to give this beloved character the insight the fanbase has been begging for. They don't usually do this. Usually it's the main and his/her ensemble but this time it's the main + 2 part mains in Daphne and Eliott. The ensemble is background this season. And Eliott has an arc since S3 so of course they are going to bring these seasons built relationship issues to the surface and address them. They are wrapping up the old generation and handing over to new now. All these threads are being dealt with.

So what i said about stressors exposing cracks. Well here's a stressor? moving in together. Before Eliott lived alone, with his parents checking in frequently (prob his bipolar disorder) but he could breathe and be, and hide and be alone whenever he wanted. Now he's living with Lucas. And they love each other but there are teething problems. We saw them laid beautifully in S5, and being together only a year is really nothing. Most of that would be a honeymoon period, let's be honest here. And they have such an intense and emotional love. Like they are young (17/18 and 19/20) and have found the life partner they want. Just think about that, and the issues of that responsibility as well. In reality you don't find your life partner at that age. You really don't.

And people mess up. They make mistakes and they grow but it's not a full stop there. You make other mistakes and you mess up. And environmental triggers can happen that can make more mistakes happen, and can even make you regress. You fight in life. You don't sail through it. Does anybody? So yeah, oh sweet the lovebirds moved in together but moving in together has also highlighted issues not dealt with. Couples face tests. And importantly that "minute par minute" scene is now being seen in action. That means the bad times as well as the good. This relationship started in so much fear for both and i'm sorry that level of fear doesn't just poof away. We are seeing that.

Now i'm done. I really don't blame anyone if they don't read this. Even i'm ashamed at the length. But will i still post it? Yep 😄💜

[softstraykidsimagines]

Stray Kids Reaction: you’re younger but taller than them

A/N: im actually kinda tall (taller than Binnie and around the same height as Jisung lol) so this felt more logical for me to write hehe. Enjoy!!

Chan

Would laugh a little at it, and would try to stand on his tippy toes to make himself taller next to you, and to make you laugh. Would tease you gently about it but only if he knows that you don’t mind.

“Chan, why are you wearing shoes with such a tall heel?”

“I’m not! I’m just as tall as you”. He smiles innocently.

Woojin

Soft bear who just uses your height as an excuse to hug more often.

“I can reach you a lot easier!”

If anyone (and I mean anyone this includes Stray Kids) teases you too much for your height, this boy will freaking shave their eyebrow off at night as revenge and take a photo of it I really think that no matter how soft he is, he can just as easily be your worst nightmare. Don’t mess with Woojin

This GIF improves and prolongs your life

Minho

This sneaky fucker will use your height against you at any moment that presents itself. You walking by him? He’ll discreetly trip you up. You lose your balance slightly? He’s gonna gently push you so that you’re more likely to fall over. When you finally realize that it’s him that’s causing your clumsiness, you better make sure you surprise him or he’ll run like Hell to save himself why did this sound so much like bullying Minho means well I swear

“Maybe it’s my shoes that are weird....”

“Maybe a ghost is tripping you up *giggle*”

“Omg. You asshole!”

“Umm hehe.... GOTTA BLAST”

Changbin

Thinks your height is absolutely adorable like no matter how tall you are next to him he’s still gonna think you’re the cutest person that inhabits this planet. He does this thing where when he’s next to you, he’ll slowly look up to your face with a quiet gasp of awe, because it takes his breath away that someone so amazing could even exist why do I feel like I’m describing myself whenever I’m watching a Kpop vid

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You’re just so perfect....” cue you blushing

Hyunjin

He’s pretty tall himself so he’s gonna think it’s so cute and cool at the same time that you’re both so tall compared to SK. Will attempt to convince you to try and intimidate the boys with your height together but most likely will fail.

“Come onnnn, y/n! It’ll be fun! You could convince Jeongin to clean up quicker and stuff”.

“No, I’m not using my power for your evil deeds, villain”.

“Dammit...”

Sorry Hyunjin stans you will be missed

Jisung

He’s gonna use you as a head support when he’s standing up and tired don’t @ me. You’ll be randomly standing somewhere and you’ll feel his head drop between your shoulder blades as he drifts off, so you’re stuck there to hold him up, otherwise he’ll probs just tip over and fall.

*waiting in a cue for food*

“Jisung, we need to move forward or were gonna lose our spot, come on!”

“Mmmhhhmmm.........”

“I guess we’re gonna be stuck here without food, then”.

*wakes up* “what was that about food?”

Felix

Is just a giggly bub about it. Will cling onto you nearly 24/7 and if he’s tired, he’s gonna lean more on you, so you stumble a bit from the weight difference. From time to time, will actually ask for fun to have a piggy back ride, just to see your reaction.

“You want what?”

“Come onnn, my feet are tired!”

“Absolutely not! You can walk just fine!”

“Pffft alright then...”

Seungmin

Baby koala that doesn’t let you go. Loves to cuddle you constantly because he finds your presence so comforting. Will do this thing where he clings onto one of your shoulders and will gently sway/swing from side to side when he’s lost in thought, like it’s just an unconscious habit he’s adopted. Once swayed a little too far, pulling you off balance, and making both of you topple onto the ground laughing.

“Minnie, don’t pull too far, or I’m gonna fall...”

“Nah, it’s fine! You’re not gonna— AHH” *collapses*

Jeongin

Quite similar to Seungmin in the way that he holds onto you for comfort when he’s stressed. But instead of holding onto your one shoulder, he wraps his arms around your waist and leans against you to calm down. Once fell asleep that way and you had no clue wtf to do because you didn’t want to wake up such a happy sleeping child.

“Jeongin, shouldn’t we sit down?”

“...”

“Jeongin...?”

*snores gently*

“Oh fuckn Hell guess I’m stuck here”.

[assholemurphy]

i am incredibly sad that i only have like, 1 extra adderall left (i may have to find somewhere to buy more from, since i only get like, enough for the month with my prescription, the only reason i had extras this month is bc it took a week for me to be able to get my prescription filled, so i literally had to go a week w/o adderall and i don’t wanna do that again, ever, it was hell, esp bc i ran out of sudafed, too, that week) bc holy fucking shit am i awake. i’m getting so much done. i took a shower and then highlighted all of the units in my script, which is usually hard to focus on bc it’s so dull, and i got another 15 units done, so i’ve only got like 30 left and i’m still wide awake and focused AF. like, i’m p sure that colors have smells, but also, like, the world is so intense and amazing. i feel fucking fantastic. i kinda wanna go skydiving, but like, not until i get my hw done, ya know?

but i’ve got 30 more units to do, then i’ve gotta make a graph, but after that, i’m done with the project and can move on. depending on how i feel/what time it is when i get that done (bc if it’s past 3:30/4a, i can’t sleep, i’ve got to stay up bc if not, i won’t wake up in time for class, but also, if i still feel this awake, then there’s rly no point to sleeping bc i won’t be able to, anyway) i might sleep, or i might start working on my playwriting assignment (bc that’s due mon @ 2p and i’ve got to write 6 1-min monologues for my characters) and watch the first 30min of shrek: the musical (bc i gotta have that done by fri @ 9a bc we’re watching it in class and that’s where we’re picking up at since the audio wouldn’t work in class, so it’s hw to watch the first 30 of it, but we can watch all of it, if we want, idk if i will, i’ve got too much to do and if i watch all of it, then there’ll be no point of going to class bc i hate rewatching things bc i’ve got a damn near eidetic memory for movies/books and certain other things, depending on how much i’m paying attention, but almost always books/movies unless i find them boring and don’t care abt them, so it would be stupid to watch all of it and then be bored in class), then maybe read some of after the fall (the script i’m pulling my monologue from for acting i) and do the assignment that goes with that (bc it’s due tues @ 9:30a). after that i should do my therapy hw (we’re still working on stuck points and i’ve got like, 5 more sheets, maybe more, to fill out) bc that’ll be due at my next counselling appt, which i think is next week, i’ll have to call them, but it’ll take abt an hour and it’ll emotionally drain me.

i think that’s abt it for hw, tho, but all of that’ll take roughly 9 hours, which means i def won’t be able to do it all tonight, but i can get most of it done if i don’t sleep, which means i’ll have more time for sleep/writing/literally everything else on the weekend. i might even be lucky enough to be able to get drunk. maybe. i’d have to start drinking at like, 3p and stop at like, 6p for it to all be out of my system so i can get to bed by 2/3a. so that’s a maybe. but a nice maybe.

ofc, i’ve got non hw stuff to do, too. i’ve got to make a list of roommate requirements so i can start looking for a new one (i’ve also got to talk to goldilocks to see when she plans to move out, bc like hell am i moving out, all the bills except her half of the lease are in my name and most of the furniture (aside from her personal stuff and the coffee table) is mine and i don’t want to have to move ALL of it out and into a new place, plus it’s her decision to not be roommates, so it’s on her, not me, and i won’t budge, not this time). then i’ve got to get my study/organization binder made so things’ll be easier to keep track of. i’ve got to do some cleaning (taking out the trash, cleaning up my side of the living room (we didn’t divide it, it’s just where the couches are so we stick to our couches most of the time) and the coffee table). then laundry, gotta do laundry, i’m almost out of socks.

ofc, i might have to start on my part of the second part of the group project. i wanna design costumes for the play, if neither of the others is doing that, which i hope they aren’t, bc i don’t know enough abt any of the other elements of production to do something else. but if i have to, i can try to do sound, maybe, that’s my second choice. so, i may have to start on that this weekend. i’ll talk to hurricane bianca and tim the toolman taylor and see what they’re doing for it probs on fri if not tomorrow at rehearsal. then i can start on my part and get it finished ahead of time to prove i’m capable, when i’ve got my shit together and am not having a breakdown every week. then, after i talk to prof j abt what i’m supposed to do for the show (something with finding times for freeze frames and spotlights, which is fun, but i’m worried my comdic timing isn’t the same as everyone else’s bc i’m autistic, so my sense of humor is a bit skewed, ya know? but anyway, prof j specifically told goldilocks (who is stage manager, i’m one of two assistant stage managers) to have me do it, so i’m afraid i’m being set up to fail bc i know nothing abt theatre, rly, and i’m always paranoid abt these things, but i’m also kinda thinking it might be bc she actually thinks i can do it, which sounds unrealistic, but she’s not a mean person, so i’m willing to bet it’s that one. but i need to ask her what all she needs me to do, bc goldilocks has no clue, which was so fucking helpful, what a great stage manager she is (no, srsly, idk if i bitched abt this earlier or not, but she’s absolutely horrible at this shit so far and i can’t stand working under her bc i hate working under incompetent ppl bc i feel it makes me look incompetent, too, if the job isn’t done right, even if it’s not my fault bc i wasn’t in charge and i’m always, always terrified to look stupid or incapable in the eyes of others). so, i’ve got to ask prof j abt what all i need to do bc i’m p sure the advice given to me by the lighting tech (who is apparently a decent stage manager, tho i doubt it, truly, she doesn’t have the personality for it, she’s too pushy and it makes her hard to work with, but that might just be bc i don’t like her as a person, so i’m reserving judgement until i see her in the position) is wrong bc it makes no sense, is way too hard, doesn’t actually help with anything and gives me a headache (bc mapping out the goddamn blocking is impossible when the actors do diff things every fucking night, wtf??? do the same shit, you assholes! but it’s also useless bc it doesn’t tell anyone where the spotlights/freeze frames should be, and blocking isn’t my job, it’s the other asm’s (who i don’t have a nickname for, but will probs have before the end of rehearsal) so why she’s not doing it, idk???) so i’ll ask tomorrow.

so, i’m looking at 9 hours hw now, then 30 min of cleaning, 3 hours of other paperwork shit, and potentially 4 hours of hw and 2 hours of theatre stuff this weekend. which means i can get at least 10 hours of sleep per night and get some writing done, if i finish most of my hw now. i think that’s worth one sleepless night. it rly is. so, here’s to hoping for at least one day off this week.

but if i don’t sleep, i’ll probs crash after rehearsal tomorrow night, unless i can convince my friends to come over and hang out, since they won’t be here this weekend and i kinda need their help making the roommate requirement list bc otherwise it’s just gonna be like ‘can’t leave time on the microwave after they’re done using it’ and ‘must know how to use headphones when others are studying in the living room’ and ‘must not whine when i want to stay in my room and do work instead of being around them 24/7′ (tho, goldilocks doesn’t spend much time with me anymore, which is fine, i guess, but it’s a complete 180 from what she used to do and honestly, i’m offended bc i caved and started staying in the living room and now it just feels weird not being in the living room and idk what to do abt any of this). i need real things, too, like, big concerns that i’ll forget abt when writing it, and i need to know if my requirements are petty or things that aren’t specific to most ppl, just goldilocks. and it’d be nice to hang out with them and shit.

anyway, this is rly long and rambly, but i rly need to vent all of this shit somewhere, it helps me sort my brain out. i don’t actually expect anyone to read it and you can always blacklist my personal tag ‘iz says stuff’ if you don’t want this shit on your dash. but if you do read them, then you’re always welcome to come to my inbox and be like ‘quit bitching and get back to work, dumbass’ or something. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #134

“i got detention ‘cuz i made a face; nobody believed me that it’s stuck that way.”

If you were to die today would your life be complete?  No. How good is Coca-Cola?  It's my second-favorite soda. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
  My niece Aubree <3 Do you have a bad temper? 
 No. Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now?
  One acquaintance, one old friend off the top of my head. Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground and carry you?  Mom when I passed out. If you were in the hospital, do you think any of your exes would come see you?  Girt probably would, and he's the only one I wouldn't have a problem with visiting. If you were kicked out of your house, would the last person you texted take you in?  I'm sure they would, but it's more realistic I'd live with my dad. If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?  Skydive. What fictional place would you most like to go to?  Yo can I go to Azeroth. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished?  UHHHHHH.  I'm honestly not quite sure.  But Mark is like super high on the list, if not #1.  I'm not well-informed on a lot of people's accomplishments lajsfdaowe. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way?  Hmmmm.  Good question. What is one thing you really want but can’t afford?  Lmao dude I want so many expensive things atm. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do?  I almost snorted reading this question because like do you honestly expect something impressive of me.  I... guess I understand Sony Vegas well? What are some of the turning points in your life?  Uhhhh meeting my ex, the divorce, discovering my passion for photography, the breakup, re-uniting with Dad, r e c o v e r y. What’s your cure for hiccups?  NOTHING.  NOTHING WORKS. Don’t you think it’d be cool to see a colossal squid?  FUCKING NOPE THEY ARE SPAWNS OF THE NIGHTMARE REALM. What kind of steak do you prefer?  When I ate meat, I liked medium well. Has anyone ever cheated on their significant other with you?  Yes, allow me to (not) tell you about my stupid 12-year-old self. Are you fascinated by outer space?  *cue the Mark "Space is Cool" mix* Do you answer your phone when it’s a number you don’t recognize? Never. When washing your hands, do you wet your hands or put soap on first?  Put the soap on. When was the hardest you ever cried? What was the circumstance?  The night of the breakup.  I had left the house to walk to Jason's, and Mom got in the car and kept driving in front of me to stop me (I was too practically catatonic to run).  Eventually gave up, she drove me home, and when she opened the door, it was my goal to run to the kitchen and slit my throat, but the moment I made the action to run, she pretty much tackled me and I sobbed my lungs out for like 30 minutes.  Fuck that entire night. Who were your last 3 Facebook messages from and what do they say?  "lol but hey thats the world we live in lol well goodnight honey and i hope to speak to u again" from Leslie, "How quaint O:" from Girt, "Its okay :)" from Amanda. Who was the last person to comment on your Facebook status? What does the comment say?  Sara saying "YEP" when I shared a picture of straight people dating versus lesbians and it was spot-on. Which do you use the most, smiley faces, kisses or hearts?  Faces, probs. Do you like sweet or salty popcorn? Ohhhh both.  But I've gotta side with salty. Have you ever had to put your hand over someone’s mouth to keep them quiet?  Once. Have you ever fed a wild animal?  Yes. The last time you packed, where were you going?  Sara's. Do you believe in astrology?  Definitely not. Do you have an accent?  Not really, but you can pick up a southern tone with some words.  Example, my "your" sounds more like "yer," usually. Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear?  No. Do you sing in the shower?  I have been a tad bit lately...  I used to never. Are you satisfied with your current camera? My phone camera is SHIT, and I need a new actual camera.  55-200mm lens is broken, the other one's automatic focus setting is and I'm not great at manual focus. Have you ever been in a choir?  In Catholic church, yes. Does it bother you to have dirt on the bottom of your bare feet?  Y E S Has anyone ever told you that you have a big butt?  I literally have the flattest ass of any female you'll ever meet. Do you often skip breakfast? Pretty much daily now, yeah.  I'm fasting and don't eat until 11, so breakfast's passed. Last person who drove you somewhere (besides your parents)? Nicole. Who last grabbed your behind?  I'm sure it was Chelsea being her crazy self. Do you eat raw cookie dough?  Yeah dukes up salmonella. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?  No. Would you survive in prison?  No.  I would find one way or another to kill myself. Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not?  Rarely, no, no.  I drink usually in celebratory settings to loosen up some and sometimes just because I like the flavor of weak, fruity alcohol.  Smoking's gross, drugs are ew. What was the first cigarette you ever smoked?  Never smoked. Are you scared about the end of the world?  If I'mma be in it, hell yeah.  But it's not something I actively worry about because I don't think it'll happen in my lifetime. Do you prefer landmarks or street names when being given directions?  Landmarks.  I don't know street names for shit. Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books?  Yes. Where is one place that you’d never be caught dead in?  Never be caught dead in, ever... uhhhh... nothing's coming to mind right now.  Oh wait.  Probably a strip club. Apple Jacks: yay or nay?  YAY. Do you have a favorite Scooby-Doo movie?  Yeah, but I don't remember which one. ;-;  It's that one where the girl says her name is Mary Jane and Shaggy goes, "That's, like, my favorite name."  Totally went over my head as a kid lmao. Have you ever met a guy for coffee?  No, I hate coffee anyway. Who is your pet most attached to in your family?  Teddy's most attached to me, I'm the only one who has any physical contact with Venus and she trusts me, Bentley is bonded with Mom, and Mitsu is still apprehensive of anyone. Does the last person you shared a bed with mean anything to you?  The whole world and more. What do you normally do when you’ve had a really bad day?  Cry, have a shit attitude occasionally, a nap is common, talk to Sara, binge my favorite Markiplier videos. When is the next time you will wear a dress?  Hm.  Maybe this summer if I'm confident enough in my body by then lmao. On the main page on YouTube, what’re the three recommended videos? 8-BitGaming beating SCP: Containment Breach, a DanAndPhilGAMES video of Golf With Friends, and then an 8-BitRyan vid of the full release of Raft. Do you know anyone from Canada? Yeah, my former roommate's ex. Are thongs sexy? Yeah, but oml I know I couldn't wear one. Did you grow up in a healthy environment? I wouldn't say "healthy," no.  My dad was an alcoholic at the time, parents always fought, and our neighborhood was dangerous. Heavy rain or heatwave? Heavy rain, easily.  Fuck the heat. You have a choice to shoot your father or die, what would you do?  I hate these damn questions, but I'd rather die.  My father deserves the longest and happiest life possible without the betrayal of his daughter. If killing yourself meant saving the world, would you?  Yeah.  It's a lose-lose situation for me; if I didn't, I'd still die if the world's gonna end. Who knows your most darkest memory or secret?  Jason and Mom should know, and whoever read those specific surveys. Who was the last person you almost went out with?  Meh.  Juan.  We talked and hung out once in... late 2016 I think and I was pretty confused as to how I felt about him.  Meanwhile, he hasn't kept it a secret in the least he's liked me since freshman year.  He's always treated me like a gentleman should, but I know the dark and disgusting parts of him.  Glad I decided against it. The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, or The Beatles?  Stones. What does your grandma call you?  Just my name. And what do you call your grandmother?  Grammy. Would you rather have a pool or a hot tub?  Pool. Do you think ‘everything bagels’ are disgusting?  No, but I have to be in the mood for one. Do you find serial killers fascinating?  I wouldn't call them as a whole fascinating, but what has to be going on in their brains to create such grotesque desires and creativities. Do you have high blood pressure?  No. Have you ever pumped gas?  No.  I'm 22 btw lmao. Have your parents ever caught you drinking?  I mean Mom's seen me with a drink when she didn't know I'd gotten one, but I wouldn't call it "caught" since I'm allowed to and I made no effort to make it secretive. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing.  Writing makes my carpal tunnel act up quickly, and besides, typing's way faster. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life. If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now?  Panicking and telling Mom when I overdosed.  I took way more than what I should've taken of a cold medicine I can't even look at now, but I don't think it would've killed me based on how I felt, but then again, the fluids or whatever I got to purge it could've saved me; however, I feel like I would've killed myself through another method if I didn't tell her.  It all led to the psychiatric care I needed. Have you ever taken a course on CPR?  No, but I should. Do you wear a watch? No, I don't even own one. When are you at your most energetic? A little after waking up.  Just gotta get over the initial drowsiness. Do you like playing cards? If so, what's your favorite game?  I don't really enjoy card games.  I liked Magic: The Gathering tho when I was with Jason, but I wasn't that good at it considering it's got like a billion rules.  I'd still play with someone who knew how to, though.  I loooove the PS3 version that was made for it, it was much easier and I found it relaxing.  And I adore the artwork like jfc. What are your parents’ natural hair colors? What is yours?  Extremely dark brown, black, dirty blonde but turned to brown. How do you react to random strangers suddenly trying to make conversation with you?  I get nervous. Do you like Slim Jims?  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS MAMA. Have you ever been in a castle? The Disney World castle, if that counts? Would you rather write a mystery or love story? A love story. Are you afraid of getting shots?  No.  I don't like them, but. What do you currently hear?  "Pour Some Sugar On Me" cover by Ninja Sex Party. What’s one text that you saved?  Two texts from Sara that I love way too much. Have you ever cut your own hair?  No. What’s your favorite color combination? Probably orange and black bc Halloween. Did you share a locker at school? No. Have you ever sang karaoke?  No. How old were you when you went on your first date?  Huh, I dunno.  Just the guy and myself?  Probably dinner with Jason at 16? Has anyone besides your family seen you naked? Yeah. Would you rather have strep throat or an ear infection?  Holy fuck, after my last ear infection?  Strep. Where was your first job?  GameStop. Have you ever been to a night club? No. Do all good things really come to an end?  No, not all. How many people do you trust with your life?  Three. Are you too kind for your own good?  Don't think so. Have you ever held a baby? Yeah. What's your favorite '90s TV show?  The Nanny. What are you favorite book series? Warriors. Favorite superheroes?  I know he's technically an anti-hero, but does Deadpool still count?  If not, uh.  Batman I guess. Would people consider you more immature or mature? Mature, probably. Would you say most of your friends are older or younger than you?  Younger. If you have a significant other, do you get jealous of people a lot? She knows I was insecure as fuck in the beginning.  Now, nope. Who was your best friend in the fifth grade?  Ummm I think Quiata? Do your parents still help you financially?  I don't have a job.  So. Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? Don't think so. Do you have a preferred brand of bottled water?  Essentia.  Thanks for not having it, NC. Are you more prone to overthinking things, or being too impulsive?  Hunny I overthink if I have to pee or not if it's not a massive need. How bad are your worst cramps on a scale of 1-10? Eh, maybe just a seven thanks to the pill. Have you ever thrown up from cramps?  No. List three people you had a hard time forgiving.  JASON, Dad, Mom multiple times. Who was your first celebrity crush?  Jesse McCartney. If applicable, what form of birth control do you use?  The pill.  But it's for cramps. Are you happy with your gender?  Yeah. What gender do you identify as?  Female. What gender were you born as? Female. Have you ever gotten high off a prescription medication?  No. Have you ever used a tampon?  Yeah. How old were you when your parents talked to you about puberty?  I don't think it's something we ever properly "talked" about, but rather indirectly when Mom taught me how to shave and told me when to start wearing a bra. How many people have you known who were suicidal?  Sadly, I think MOST people I know/most friends. What's your favorite pain reliever? Advil. Who has the cutest baby/babies you know? My nephew is literally the cutest child I have EVER seen. Do you have a lot of people blocked on Facebook? Actually yes, but most because Mom instructed me to block them when I was younger.  A few are of my own volition. What color is your razor/shaver?  Orange and white. What's your boyfriend/girlfriend's sisters name? She doesn't have any sisters. Do you like the sound of violins?  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Would you be interested in going on a blind date?  Even if I was single, no. If you formed an unhealthy habit, would it be smoking or drinking? Oh boy, idk.  I think an alcohol addiction is more dangerous, but smoking has disgusting consequences. Have you ever bought a video game expansion pack? No. Do you wish YouTube had been around when you were a kid?  Nah.  I wouldn't want the risk of an earlier technology addiction. Do you remember preschool?  Yes. What color(s) was your backpack in high school?  Browns and black.  It was a Ouija board design. What health conditions do you have?  Physically, baaad dry scalp, dry af skin in general, inactive MRSA.  I've been over my mental ones enough. Have you ever collected seashells at the beach?  Yeah. Did you ever take dance lessons?  Yeah, for many years. If you took dance lessons, what was your favorite style of dance?  Modern. Have you ever worn a tutu? No. What was your favorite vacation that you went on as a child?  Disney World. Have you ever had braces?  Yeah. What is your favorite photo editing site? (or what do you use?) I don't use editing sites.  I use Photoshop, Lightroom, or PhotoScape. How many times did you take your driver's test?  I haven't yet.

[ariswagbrams]

Party Rocking || Aritty

WHO: Ari Abrams & Kitty Wilde [ @awildecard ], ft. Evie Miller

WHEN: Evie’s birthday party

WHERE: Evie’s apartment

WHAT: Awkwardness, tbh. Just lots of that.

Ari

“Y’know, in a way, I’m like, your very own Drogon.” Ari’s kinda tipsy. Just kinda. It’s a party and she doesn’t drink much, so whenever she drinks even just a bit, she gets a bit tipsy pretty fast. But it’s fine, cause that’s what parties are for. For getting kinda tipsy, and for wheeling the birthday girl around like she’s a badass Targaryen dragon. Rawr, etc. “Wheee!” Well, that’s not super dragon-like. But it’s whatever. She can be a badass dragon anyway.

“Mmkay Drogon needs a dorito break, Khaleesi.” She sort of nudges Evie off her lap, but in a nice way cause she’s her friend and Ari loves her. She’s not horse-faced at all, where’d Kitty come up with that, anyway? She’s obviously friend-faced. “We can go find you a Jon Snow later.” Ari chuckles as she pushes her chair away from her friend, cause she knows Evie is about as interested in having a love life as Ari herself is. Which is to say, super interested in theory but like, totally not into putting herself through the endless pain of making it happen.

 “Heck yes, come to papa.” She practically sing-songs, wheeling herself to the snacks table and reaching for the dorito bowl that’s totally calling her name. Except- “Aw, man!” Someone left the bowl too far away from the edge of the snacks table, and she can’t reach. Luckily for her, Kitty is right there, and Ari’s face lights up at the sight. Cause she can hand her the doritos. Of course. “Hey, K-Dawg. Can I get a hand?”

Kitty

She’s not jealous. It’s not in her nature. And even if it was (a very real possibility she’ll never cop to), she’s certainly not jealous of horse face. And the way Ari is gleefully wheeling her around -- buzzed on the vodka she’d brought to share with her.

No, she’s not jealous. She just thinks’s it’s ridiculous for a woman of her age to be acting so childish. (Though if she like falls off and breaks her nose or something, Kitty supposes it won’t be the worst thing to happen). Honestly, can’t she find someone her own age to play with? The guy from the Six Flags commercial is probably free. 

Whatever. 

It's not a thing, her eyes are always green thank you very much! She’s just glaring because the lighting is poor, obviously. 

At least that’s what she tells herself when Ari rolls up to her and asks for the Doritos. She doesn’t even try to hide the eye roll. “Why don’t you ask your Khaleesi to help you?” she says pointedly, even as she reaches for the bowl and shoves it a little harder than necessary in Ari’s direction - she’s not a monster, she’s not going to keep a girl from her snacks, even if she is unreasonably annoyed. Annoyed. Not jealous. Becuase she’s definitely not that.

Ari

Dayum. Kitty’s mad. Ari’s not like, the best at reading body language or anything, but even she can tell Kitty’s mad. There’s the near-shoving of the bowl, and the stank eye, and the way she says Khaleesi, like it’s a bad word or something. Which don’t even make no sense, man. Khaleesi is, like, the best. And she knows Kitty loves her some Daenerys T. So her problem is clearly with... 

“What’s poor E-Mill done to ya, K-Dawg?” She munches on a Dorito, pleased to find it’s her beloved cool ranch flavor and not tex mex. Don’t get her wrong, she likes all doritos, but cool ranch is like, the Khaleesi of doritos. “You’re lookin’ at her like she’s Daenerys and you’re, like... Cersei, or something.” Ari grins, clearly teasing. “Told ya you’re a Lannister.” She pops a dorito in her mouth and winks at Kitty, cause she’s kinda tipsy and being kinda tipsy makes her do stuff like winking. Alcohol. Not even once.

“No, seriously, tho. You all right?” She tries to look concerned, but the eating is kinda making it hard so she swallows and leaves the bowl on the table with the rest of the snacks. Concerned face. Right. “It’s a party!” She shimmies her shoulders, hoping it’ll help Kitty crack a smile or something. “What’s botherin’ you, Your Grace?”

Kitty

Ari’s pretty tipsy. Kitty can tell because, well, Ari doesn’t drink often so it doesn’t take a lot. And it’s kind of cute if she’s being honest, but like -- in a way that only makes her annoyance grow. Because she’s happy. Ari’s happy wheeling horse face around her stupid party, and she doesn’t get that a lot. That carefree drunken silliness. 

And who is Kitty to ruin that with her -- somewhere in the back of her mind she shudders -- feelings. 

This is why it’s better when she doesn’t have any. Why she’s taken to shacking up with people she doesn’t have a ton for, and who definitely don’t have any for her. Becuase feelings make you vulnerable. And Kitty’s never been good at that.

“Nothing,” she shrugs, forcing a smile as if to prove her point -- see look how fine I am! “I’m a Lannister.”

Ari

Lies. Shaaaame. If she had a little bell, she’d start going ding ding ding while chanting ‘shame’ after Kitty cause that was a lie and it wasn’t even a good one. So Ari rolls her eyes dramatically and then pretends she’s hitting Kitty with a switch, complete with sound effect and everything. “You are not fooling me.” She points to her own eyes and then at Kitty, in the universal gesture for ‘I’m watching you’. At some point she stopped being Jaqen and started imitating some kind of Mr. Miyagi type character instead, but it’s whatever, cause she’s being serious. 

Kinda. 

“C’mon. You can tell me. I’m Ari!” Friendly, inoffensive Ari with the open ears and nothing else. Friend, friend, friend. Yep. A friend. That’s what she is. Not friends, however? “You havin’ Puckertroubles?” Ari likes both Puckergals, don’t get her wrong. They’re pretty cool. Hot and tall, and like... yeah. Cool. Not just friends, those two. They’re...def on a diff level. She doesn’t mind them. She just kinda minds their relationships with Kitty. 

In a friendly way. 

Sure.

Kitty

She’d hate Ari right now, to be honest. If like, that was a thing a person could actually do. Hate Ari. She’s pretty sure it’s scientifically impossible. She’d ask Miss Science Queen, but honestly, she’s pretty sure she’ll blurt out like five offensive things before she gets to the question, so it’s better this way.

But the point is, Ari makes it impossible. So while it’d be a hell of a lot easier to totally hate her for the feelings she didn’t ask to have. She can’t. 

She also apparently can’t lie about it, which is also a total drag. What’s the point of being a hot southern Christian gal if she can’t tell a convincing lie? Or pull an I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-genuine smile? 

So instead, she’ll focus on truths she’s comfortable.

“Nah,” she reaches for her -- vodka a mountain dew (more vodka than dew, but whatever), a weird combination, kind of like them -- and casually takes a sip. “Taking a break from Puckergals. It’s whatever.”

Ari

“Good.” 

Her eyes widen. Like, wider than normal. She knows her eyes are big af always. But that was like, so not what she should’ve said, cause Kitty seems sad and she’s prob sad she’s no longer doing whatever with the Puckergals (she knows ‘whatever’ is prob all sorts of like, acrobatic sex, but she doesn’t really wanna think about it) and Ari is supposed to be her friend. So ‘good’ is def like, the last thing she should’ve said. 

“I mean.” She clears her throat, suddenly wishing she’d never even had a sip of alcohol cause her brain is foggy and normally she can, like, be Kitty’s friend separately from someone who kinda likes Kitty but not in a creepy way or anything, just in a ‘you’re heckin beautiful and smart and I’d def love to date you but I’m not an awful person so I wouldn’t wish me upon you’ way. You know? She’s panicking, is what she’s saying. 

“I mean I’m glad you’re good? That’s good.” Her hands grip her wheels and she pushes herself back a couple inches, just like, putting space between herself and Kitty because damn, son. She’s bad at this. “The whole Puckerlovin’s prob not all it’s cracked up to be.” A shrug. She wouldn’t know. She hears it’s the bomb diggity and she’s sure it’s true, but whatever. She’s not here to tell Kitty she should go back to them, right? “You feelin’ ok about the break thing?”

Kitty

“Yeah.” 

She is good. Not like, in this moment, exactly. Honestly, she’s still a bit miffed that Bill Nye got to live out her personal wheelie fantasy like right in front of her or whatever. But she’s good with the Puckerbreak. 

Or she will be. She likes them both. In like a sexy way and as people, but she knows it’s not going anywhere. Puckerladies have to be free. And Kitty’s kind of done with the jealousy every time Jackie looks at Marley for too long or flirts with some loser trampy girl. It’s not going to be more than sex ever with either of them, so there’s really no point in racking up hell points over it. 

Besides, she’s kind of sort of realized lately, against all odds she actually likes spending time with Ari. And it doesn’t leave her feeling weird about herself or jealous (with the exception of this particular moment, obvs) - she actually, sort of feels good? 

But like, she can’t just say those words. Outloud. To Ari. She’s a lot of crazy (beautiful, talented, smart) -- but she hasn’t totally lost her marbles. 

 So she settles for, “Like I said, it’s whatever. Jackie’s got a weird third nipple anyway,” or so goes her story, and she’s sticking to it. “It’s super gross.”

Ari

“Good.” She doesn’t take it back this time. If anyone deserves a gross, weird third nipple, it’s a Puckerman. Both Puckermans. “Gotta balance out all that...” she gestures at her own body, even if it’s frankly like, the saddest comparison ever when she actually means the P-sisters’ bodies, but she thinks Kitty will know what she means anyway. “All that.” Yeah. Let’s leave it at that. Kitty knows like, way better than Ari does, what ‘all that’ means. And Ari doesn’t really wanna think about it. 

“So whaddaya wanna do?” Kitty is obv not happy, and she obv doesn’t wanna talk about it, so... what’s a nerd to do to help? “I have Netflix on my phone.” Wow. Impressive. Not like she’s been mooching Kitty’s HBO to watch GoT with her all this time. Smoooth. “Or uh... you can have my Doritos? Cool ranch.” That’s Ari’s love language right there. What else? She doesn’t have like, a ton of stuff to offer. Like she wants Kitty to not be sad or in whatever funk she’s in, but she’s like, the last person who should be in charge of cheering people up. Normal people, she means. If this was Evie or Sammy, she’d be pulling out Mario Kart or starting an impromptu D&D campaign. But Kitty is... Kitty. 

“I just wanna cheer you up, K-Dawg.” She shrugs and smiles and sort of rolls her chair back and forth for a second, cause she doesn’t know if Kitty wants her to get lost or stay and she’s kinda giving her a choice, she figures. “So just tell me what you want. We’ll make it happen. I’m like, a director. I make heckin’ good magic happen.”

Kitty

It’s probably bad -- like, she definitely knows it is. Somewhere Sweet Baby Jesus is frowning and shaking his little baby head. But like this, right here, Ari sort of jumping over herself to make Kitty feel better is... actually making her feel better. And like she said, it’s wrong, she knows. 

But fuck. 

Regardless of whether or not it’s true, she’s always played second fiddle in the eyes of like every girl she’s ever liked. And then here’s Ari. Making a show of putting her first and it feels really good. 

And while she doesn’t show it outwardly -- her expression still neutral and hard to read -- she does bend her knee just so, knocking it against Ari’s. (Is that weird? Can she feel that? Is that like super insensitive?) 

“I mean... I wouldn’t pass up a ride to like the balcony. Pop culture has taught me that fresh air heals, like, all things,” and it’s also a really great way to change the topic, so it kind of works on both those levels.

Ari

Ari doesn’t really feel Kitty’s knee against her own, but she sees it, and she appreciates the gesture. She’s sure she’d like it if she’d felt it. Like, she’s sure she’d like to feel anything of Kitty’s against her to be honest, not that she should be thinking about that, because she’s not a creeper and this is like, totally the alcohol talking. She should drink more. Like, she should prob have drunk less, but that can’t be fixed now, so she may as well just drink herself into a stupor at this point to stop her brain from thinking about feeling Kitty against-

“Oh.” A ride, really? Ari doesn’t know if Kitty’s like, just saying that to make her feel less useless, like ‘yes, Ariana (why is she always Ariana in her head? prob The Mothership’s fault somehow), I totes need you to take me outside’. But you know what they say about horses, gifts, and mouths. If Kitty wants to like, sit on her lap and go out into the balcony? Aint’ nobody gonna complain. 

“Hop on, Your Grace.” Ari pats her lap and then puts both hands on her wheels just to keep them from accidentally touching Kitty cause she’s not about the creeper lifestyle. “Just for the record, I hope Drogon never, like, lets Cersei ride him. We’ll just make an exception for right now.”

Kitty

Ari agrees, albeit a bit awkwardly, but Kitty doesn’t take it personally. Frankly, Ari runs a bit on the awkward side. And because she’s like the hottest person Ari will have on her lap all night (Kitty knows how to toot her own horn) so like she can’t even blame her if the nerves are a bit extra tonight, can she? 

(and like... okay, so maybe she has a few anxieties of her own, too.) 

Rolling her eyes, Kitty slides onto Ari’s lap, her heart doing a funny thing as she settles in. And despite the fact that Ari’s body is like... super tense, it still kind of feels.... nice? Not like, in a friend way. But in a ‘well this wouldn’t be the worst mode of transportation to take for the rest of my life’ sort of way, and kitty feels...

She feels a lot. 

“It’ll be our secret,” she agrees, then taps Ari’s shoulder, “Get it, Drogon.”

[survivor-islands-of-adventure]

EPISODE 11

So I really pushed for it and it happened, Madison is officially gone and that’s one less person I gotta suck up to. But now mark is pissed at me. WHY WOULD WE VOTE KAREN OFF. She does not have a strong game, she’s floundering, she’s a prefect goat to take to the end. But whatever! Be as mad as you want. I was trying to help us both. But you just wanna be a big MAN BABY because I’m not letting you run this game. Remember how I said I wanted to run this and take no prisoners- well it’s now in full fuckin swing. I’ll do anything to get to the end. Even if that means cutting off mark, my number one ally. I’m actually super upset because I feel like he won’t be my friend anymore and wow I need to stop rambling whatever goodnight goodbye Goodluck 

I did a confessional before i got a strike lmaoooo I won immunity bitches time for revenge in Madison’s name. I’d love to just take out Tracey’s boring ass this round but there’s bigger threats in the game and unfortunately she’s not a threat to anyone or anything ever so let’s hope we can actually flush stoners idol this round and take out dan or drew 

I didn't win immunity but i beat Drew the legend's score so im really happy about that. Tonight's plan is to tell people we're voting dan but actually vote drew, so I'm hoping it's seamless and not a fucking trainwreck like it has been. We're also trying to get Chris to use his idol. Lastly, im not sure i trust charlie atm. Mark wants her in on the Drew vote but im nervous that she might spill. 

mark brought up a good point, but pat could potentially play the sapphire idol this round or the next for a big move, and with the way the game is going, one of these two tribals is probably the time to play it to try and swing some momentum back in his favor while also making a big move to add to his resume. just ideas™ in my head

Another fucking mess vote. Will I vote Drew? Maybe. Will I vote Chelsea? Maybe. Am I getting blindsided? Maybe. Idk it just feels weird. I feel like people are talking a lot but not a lot at the same time. Like we’re all beating around the bush. Let’s hop to it ladies. I’ll proabbly turn on Drew this week, I hope that doesn’t effect anything with Stoner in this game or the other game I’m in with him.

I'm writing another log because I'm so nervous for tonight once again. Idk why but I'm skeptical about Pippa being included in our voting information because I think she is secretly spying for Chris. The other night I told Pippa that I might vote Chris and not even a minute later, he messages me saying "I heard I'm getting votes against me." Coincidence? Idk. I want to be able to network and work with people but I don't know who to trust. Pat and Mark are pretty cool, but even Sammy I'm a little bit worried about. On the same night with the Pippa situation, I got a message from Chris telling me that Sammy asked him if he would vote me. So, now I'm not sure if Chris was just baiting me to start a fight, or if Sammy might also be working with Chris. Fuck. 

This round is a mess but honestly, I’m like so here for it. I’m lowkey hoping Pat hits the bricks bc I told Drew he’s getting all the votes. I can’t wait to get voted out hahahahahaha. That would be so fucking funny. Everyone thinks Chris has the idol, but Drew does :~)

so this round has been very boring. Everyone is being predictable and sticking with their comfort.  However I really want to switch things up and stop giving Tracey stoner and Chris so much power. Tracey just keeps coming to me to get information and it's low-key annoying cause like obvs I know she is working w Chris and Drew.  Like she could be making power moves but she has not worked w me once and keeps like not going w anything I tell her. lmao whatever.

I feel like I have my little baby hands in every honey pot in this game. I’m the swing vote but I’m also deciding who it swings on. I’m letting Mark and drew think they’re picking who the vote is, but I’m whispering in their ears ehehhehe. Hopefully drew goes home tonight and stoner uses his idol

So uhhhhh last tribal was iconic skdndkndkdnd it actually worked and I'm still here ??????? Anyway nothing new has really happened so yeah :/ but um the others are flushing chris' idol and me drew and Chris are voting for Sammy. Also I need to keep an eye on dan because he still seems like a flip flopped skcjfkfnfj

CONFESSIONAL: This week is supposed to go smoothly. My alliance of sammy chelsea and mark is going well. I trust them a lot. With my alliance members getting voted out its easier for them to want to vote for me in the end. I miss madison but we have to keep moving forward to eliiminate drew, chris and tracey. i CANNOT STAND THEM. especially tracey. if she takes me out i will actually cry. No matter what happens atlast i have majority. and it seeeeeeems like people are noticing me and I realllllyyyy like that. Like if they keep going for chelsea and mark Its going to be amazing. This is literally how I won my BB game so I think this is a good way to get myself into the same position

OKAY SO SOMEHOW the concept of voting out madison actually worked?? Charlotte's interest in playing both sides was so incredible and useful in the last minute. Rip Ricky btw, i hope by the time this comes out, things are better for him. So the challenge was firedragon, which means i lost right the fuck away. So once again, a brilliant idol play was necessary. I'm bitter af that it couldn't be Chelsea ...but sammy probably was the better call. But now i'm stuck, F8, no idol, very little hope. It's nearing the end of the road but honestly making it this far is a triumph in itself.

SAMMY IS VOTED OUT

I’m shook. This is my third individual immunity win. My target is definitely growing but I still feel like I’m playing a reasonable game. I would love for Pat to use his Sapphire idol this week bc I would be safe regardless, but honestly Drew is the easy vote. The only thing that sucks is that he knows Pat has the Sapphire idol and if I flip, he could easily tell Pat or others about me telling him. I could do some damage control this week and tell Pat that Drew asked me if Pat had won the power and I said idk. And act like drew knew where everyone competed and it’s wideled down to Pat possibly having it. That’s a little risky but if it comes out that Drew told Pat I told him about the idol, it could save me and I can easily back pedal and say that Drew has a lucky guess. But at the same time, why would Drew lie if he was going out the door hnnnnn. It’s best if Pat doesn’t feel safe this week/thinks it’s gonna go to rocks. I think I could push a tie narrative by throwing Charlotte under the bus, but we’ll see. Regardless I’m going to the f7 and hopefully I have a solid group of 4 and maybe an idol of my own up my sleeve. 

Okay I literally forgot that prevotes are due tonight; not being in an alliance chat this round made things weird, but iIve been working with Pat, Dan, Mark, and Charlotte to find the idol this entire time. I'm gonna be voting Chris, Tracey, or Drew, but I guess I should be talking to people about that and not idol clues lmfao.

Trying to fucking explain to Pat how his own Sapphire idol works is like trying to explain not being racist to my Uncle Bill. It’s just not....happening. 

So!!!!!! Another tribal another person gone whew it sucka that it had to be sammy bc I actually wanted to work with him a bit but I gotta do what I gotta do to stay in the game. We had touchy subjects this round and I got most annoying which I'm sure I got bc I snapped in the tribe chat that one time JSJDJDJDJ and who doesn't deserve to still be here which is like ????? I get it!!! Y'all wanted me out for so long but you can't your way bc I'm smarter but w/e!!!! They can stay hatin ! I think I got most likely to get to the end and win or lose idk but I like my odds tbh rkdjdofnfk so this round will prob end being split 4-4 which is exciting bc it means we'll prob be going to rocks !!!! I'm nervous about being rocked out but hey at least it'll be exciting lol. I'm hoping after this round or next round to get dan out tho, he's playing a superb game and it'd be a great move to take him out t b h

Eek I really hope drew finally goes home! Glad I won funniest tbh! Haha! I’ll make a longer confessional later! I’ll prob be sent home tonight oh whale

I LOST THE CHALLENGE I DON'T HAVE AN IDOL This should spell death for me. It really should. it probably still will. But I have three people willing to vote with me, two willing to pull a rock for me. So far, at least. A lot of shit changes when the revote is upon us. There's also Pat's sapphire idol to think about. I'm honestly not expecting to make it through this round but if I do, there are only four rounds left to go. Four rounds, it's not that much. We're trying to vote Pat because making me and Pat both safe was the best way to keep Dan on board with the plan. That and the fact that he won immunity and wouldn't pull a rock. Also I got biggest threat and needs to go next. These whores really know how to flatter a bitch.

IM FINALLY VOTING TRACEY OUT.. too bad shes not actually going home bc Pat has the reward from the dark week. He started getting nervous with his name apparently going around this vote and only charlotte or dan would need to flip to cause rocks/send pat home. So Pat is safe with his idol but it cancels votes for the top 2 vote getters. So we had to maneuver the votes so Tracey is actually the second vote getter and Drew is the 3rd so Drew goes home. Me Dan Pat and Chelsea searched every name in survivor history on the blog for the clues to the idol, and then searched those numbers. We dont have it yet but should soon. Touchy subjects was interesting. Apparently i really am perceived to be running this game, not sure how that happened. But hopefully if i get to the end after "running the game"  since merge thatll make up the lack of social game i have compared to some of the people left in the game.