#but also small enough spell for presumably no white streaks

[raayllum]

You’re gonna be better now. That’s all that matters.

[happyhollow-mellowmarsh]

A Day in the Life of Gumi

“Zzzz……”

The camera continued to film the sleeping bunny for a while longer, before a small banana was brought into the frame, closer to the camera. The stem was cracked, and immediately the rabbit woke up with a start, looking around for the source of the banana… Before letting out a yawn.

“Awawawa…” 

Yawn finished, the rabbit hopped over, and began to munch on the banana. A smattering of Japanese kana floated across the screen, with the corresponding English translations captioned.

“Ohayou, everybunny! It’s me, Bubblegum, everyone’s favourite bun-bun!” The subtitles spelled out even if the rabbit herself didn’t actually vocalize anything. “Sorry for waking up late, peko! I was celebrating my third birthday yesterday… There was so much soda and I tired myself out partying!”

As she continued to munch, the camera was set down on a table. Their owner stepped into the frame of view still holding the banana, revealing a young Japanese woman in a white dress and a black hair bow: those of you who had knowledge of the idol scene (or had just read the channel’s about page) recognized her as the underground idol known as TASOGARE, or Dusky to others.

“Mama’s here! I mean, she’s always behind the camera, but she’s here now! And I love her so much!” Her free hand gently ruffled the back of the bunny’s ears. “Awawa! She always pets me just right!” 

A soft melody started playing over the two of them, before the overlaid intro card spelled out just what you were in for:

The next scene faded into a lounge room, where Bubblegum was being chased by what looked to be a tiny italian greyhound, barking as he went. Watching them frolic from atop a couch was an interesting animal, one that looked like a large cat the size of a boxer dog, but had fluffy wool much like a sheep possessed. She regarded the two on the ground impassively, as if waiting for the perfect time to strike, or simply because there was nothing better to do.

“Today, I want to introduce everyone to my familiar friends! The iggy chasing me is Bucephalus, though most of us usually call him Buce as a nickname. Say something cool, Buce-kun!”

“Yipyipyipyipyiphellohellohello!!” The tiny dog finally caught up, and booped his snout onto the fluff of Bubblegum’s tail. “Tag!”

This prompted the bunny to turn tail and chase after him back, and would not have been able to catch up to his superior speed if not for the sudden appearance of the sheep-cat, who bounded off her couch and down to block one of the greyhound’s escape routes.

“And this is my cousin, Baaby! She’s a really strong and magical sheep-cat hybrid! Please don’t call her a shat, she doesn’t like that.”

He dodged the large feline with a whine. “No fair! Why are you on her side?” 

"Because you slept on me... again. And you drool in your sleep." Baaby mewled lazily, licking one of her paws.

The chase continued for a few seconds more, before Buce bounded straight into the camera and knocked it into a black screen, setting up the next scene transition.

An underground lake framed the scene this time, as Bubblegum hopped along the water’s edge. Finding the first of her two friends, she thumped a foot in a high-five against the tailfin of the winged magical fish that leapt out of the water.

“This is Astrid! She’s a fairy koi, and she likes to swim down here. Mama likes to help her friend feed Astrid whenever she has the time to.”

The camerawoman, presumably Dusky, holds out a handful of apple blossoms towards the water. The fairy koi’s eyes light up from a distance, and she jumps out of the lake in a miniature water bubble controlled by her own magic, before swimming in the air over to munch.

“OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!”

Finishing up all of the flowers, the fish let out a burp and smiled. “Thank you! Much appreciated! Astrid is very happy and full.” She blew some water bubbles into the air above Bubblegum before swimming back to the lake, popping her own water bubble as she did.

“See you around, Astri-tan!” Bubblegum waved, before continuing to hop along the perimeter.

Eventually, she came across a majestic horse-like creature resting on the side bank of the lake, with mottled green skin and a mane that looked more like seaweed than hair. A bright red eye cracked open at the sudden presence, as the sea-horse lifted her head to regard the rabbit.

“This is Undaria! She’s a kelpie, and she’s also my sister! Well, technically, half-sister, her dad and my mama are dating and all, but she’s my sister all the same! Say hi, Unda-chan!”

The kelpie neighed softly, prompting Bubblegum to hop closer. “What is it now, Bubbles?”

The bun hopped onto her half-sister’s back, before beginning to run her face through the kelp. “I’m helping to groom you! Because I can!” As she continued to trim through the kelpie’s mane, Bubblegum chirruped softly, “I love my sis so much! She’s the tsun-tsun to my dere-dere!”

“What does that even mean?” Undaria whinnied haughtily. It did not stop her from allowing the grooming to happen, or from gently setting the rabbit back down onto shore once she was done.

“See you later, nee-chan!” Bubblegum thumped happily, before skittering away to a new setting.

Now she was in the middle of a pumpkin patch, nibbling on some pumpkin leaves. “Hello again! My next friends are flying at the moment, so I’ll introduce you to them when they come down!”

A few seconds later, and they did. A white pigeon with streaks of purple and red in his wings glided down to land on a pumpkin, followed shortly after by a pale yellow budgie with a dash of small white spots on his head. They raised a wing in greeting. 

“I’m Berry!” The pigeon coos, before he scratched his head. “Still don’t know what kind of berry I’m supposed to be, but I guess it depends on the day.” He eyes the camera, and the person behind it extends a baked cracker, which he comes over to eat.

“And I’m Alkonost! I- ooh, cracker.” Distracted, the budgie hopped over to munch on the cracker. “Where was I? Oh yeah, I’m visiting today! Mom works somewhere else usually, but her girlfriend was in the area so I tagged along.”

While the birds were busy, Bubblegum moved further down the pumpkin patch; once they were done consuming the cracker, they led the camera over to their next pair of familiars.

Unsurprisingly, the massive clydesdale horse stood out first. Towering over Bubblegum and the two birds by a magnitude of at least ten, he had a dark brown mane with a matching brown tail, and a chocolate brown body with white patches around his face and legs. A loose red bandana was tied around his neck, and part of his mane had been braided to rest behind one of his ears.

At his feet was a strange snake-like creature, but this one was distinctly less long and slithery, and more compact and chubby. A glow stick necklace circled around this one’s neck, and his forked tongue stole chunks of pumpkin flesh as he vibed, brown and green stripes vibrating.

“This is Johnny Kane!” Bubblegum introduced, gently thumping her paw against the stallion’s leg. “I’ve been trying to get him interested in Unda-chan for a while now, but since he only comes to visit every now and then, there’s never really been much time to schedule a date.”

Judging by the long face on the horse, both metaphorically and literally, she was the only one in support of the idea. “Charmed.”

“And this is King!” Despite the natural tendency for rabbits to fear snakes, she approached him with no fear whatsoever. “He’s a tsuchinoko! Yes, tsuchinoko real. Do you wanna say anything?”

“Flpflpflpflpflp…” Retracting his tongue, King gave a toothy half-smile. “I mean… party rock is in the house tonight? I dunno, but I’m always down to have some fun.”

While rabbits weren’t usually capable of smiling, Bubblegum could trill happy vibes very well. “Aren’t we all? Thank you guys for showing up, I’m going to go find the others now. Stay sweet!”

Hopping away, she sped past the camera to the final pit stop in her adventure quest, a snazzy recreation room that contained a karaoke machine and a countertop bar. As she hopped inside, something ran outside, a black blur of an animal with the briefest flash of yellow eyes.

“That was Teto! It’s alright if we didn’t get to see her, she’s not very sociable.” Bubblegum sniffed. “Unlike the other black cat in the mansion… my mom’s boss, Trouble!”

She pauses in her tracks, scrunching up her face. “At least I know I’ve seen her as a black cat at some point a while ago… Maybe she likes transformation magic? Or maybe that’s just her fursona.”

Hopping onto a bar stool, the rabbit came face to face with a rooster on another stool. This was no ordinary rooster however, as instead of brown or white feathers, every inch of the sun bird’s body was covered in multicoloured flechettes. Both his comb and tail feathers had little balls of what looked to be concentrated fire, and he let out a cocky crow at the sight of the camera.

“This is Bata! He’s a sarima… sarima…” The subtitles were clearly poking fun at Bata’s species, even if both rabbit and mistress probably knew what he was. “Sun chicken! He’s a baby.”

“I am not!” He clucked back. “I am a very proud rooster who eats lots of big man food and can still find the time to give my Dad feather hugs whenever he wants them!”

Bubblegum blinked. “That’s… oddly specific.”

“Shush, don’t judge me, you get hugs from your momma all the time too.” He stuck out his tongue.

“Fair enough!” Bubblegum conceded with a trill. “And you will always be a baby because that’s what I remember you as when you were still a chick. A baby!”

Bata let out a squawk, preening his feathers. “Lies! Slander! I’m bigger than you, Bubble-brain!”

The two continued their friendly banter as Dusky stepped into view and pressed the service bell on the bar’s top. A little scratching noise was heard, before a mouse scampered up onto the bar: this mouse looked to be a little old, with a small witch’s hat that had probably seen better days, but he nonetheless squeaked cheerily to ask for orders.

“A tall glass of apple cider, please. And some water for them.” Dusky requested, giving the mouse a gentle pat on the head. The mouse moved to go make those drinks, and seconds later the order was set out in front of all three of the bar’s current occupants.

“And that’s Jeffrey! He was, um… he belonged to mom’s teacher before she passed away, but he’s still working here out of loyalty to my mom’s bosses. Really great mouse, who serves great drinks!” Bubblegum happily starts lapping at the water.

Once they were done, the idol scooped up her rabbit, waved goodbye to the other two familiars and walked out of the door. The scene cut back to the inside of their room, where Bubblegum is set down gently, and the bun hops around the room to exercise, just a little.

“As you can see, there’s a whole bunch of friends here with me in the mansion, and they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and some of them are plenty magical, too!” Rubbing the back of her ears with a paw, Bubblegum yawned. “Familiar or not though… we’re still like everyday animals and we all have our own needs. Food, sleep, and of course, love!”

Dusky shows up one last time, simply to press a kiss onto Bubblegum’s eager forehead. “And I’ll always give you as much love as I can.”

“Yay! That’s all for tonight! I’ve been Bubblegum, and I wish you all a gumi-goodnight. Goodbye!” While the outro music played, Bubblegum hopped around in a circle before she binkied herself into her bed, waving at the camera one last time before the ending card signalled the vlog’s end.

[snowflake-of-destruction]

vanikai!!

1. How do much do I ship it?: Never heard of it/ Notp / Dislike / used to ship / maybe / ship it / aww / otp / IS IT CANON YET

Fun fact: I started out as maybe and moved to the ship category while writing 

2. What non sexual activities do they like to do together?

Grass is Greener Verse: 

Theater, as shocking as it is that they can fixate on something where the eyes aren't on either of them. Well, there is the pre-show ritual of Kairi talking about how well she would have done as a stage actress. Vanitas more often takes a supportive rather than sarcastic response to this, and tells her she should go to some open auditions. It's far from too late. She's young, hot, and talented (He presumes the last one, but he'd never bet the opposite...and after he sees the one movie she did and some of the commercials...he'll just keep his mouth shut on talented). Sometimes, she'll beam, call him right, and make plans she doesn't follow through on. Sometimes she's noncommittal. Sometimes she'll glare at him, deciding he's just trying to end conversation or mock that she is all talk. Post-show there's also talk--this time from both of them--about how they could have done better in certain roles, which is a couples bonding activity all on its own. HOWEVER, these types of fantasies are not why they love plays. They think is an engrossing form of storytelling, that make worlds come to life and put you in them more than movies or tv. Also, they are simply dramatic nerds at heart.

They also play tennis. Primarily doubles, though you would be foolish to play against them, but they enjoy competing with each other too.

Rock climbing, but at an indoor rock gym. Anyone who asks them if they are training for something/ever planning a trip receives incredibly incredulous looks and scoffing. Not because of the potential danger, because of the very idea of them out in the wilderness...though sometimes Kairi will counter this by mentioning that one summer she worked for her father's, now Axel's, landscaping business. That was getting dirty in nature. Vanitas's response to this is not for this headcanon space

A more canon-verse approach (what do you mean Vanitas not joining the guardians of light post-kh3 is not canon?): There is a lot of sparring. Vanitas helps Kairi advance her keyblade training and just plain get out some of the anger in the grief of losing Sora. Van doesn't go easy and Kairi likes that. Kairi helps Vanitas with any gaps in education without talking down, pitying or even mentioning his strange upbringing, or, the worst, comparing him to Roxas or Xion (because he has identity issues too). I'm not even talking traditional education, though that too if he wants, but education on social situations...which he's not a complete idiot about. He's actually really good at reading people. He just needs a little guidance on what way to use the info, because he only has like five moves and not every situation calls for "taunt" or "threaten loved one". Kairi makes him a much better manipulator. Thanks Kairi. There's also a lot of snuggling, because I say so, that's why. I just see them both as a bit yearning for physical reassurance in their lonely spells, and also the least likely to say it for their own different reasons, so they read it in each other and  just give each other what they need but won't ask for.

Read More before this gets too long

3. Who does chores around the house?

Grass is Greener: Neither, as much as it can be helped. It's a stand off about most of the regular chores, and periodically they have a cleaning service come through that is more thorough than either of them are. More often than not, Kairi is the one that "breaks" over keeping the kitchen clean, and Vanitas about cleaning bathrooms and straightening living areas. Vanitas is very neat as a habit, and Kairi likes her surroundings to show a little bit of how she likes chaos--she just is grossed out by dirty dishes, grease stains, and food crumbs. Cooking is a bit of a fifty-fifty with both preferring quickly assembled meals. Laundry is taken down to nothing-to-wear levels, and then it's whoever needs something first. Though sometimes this all goes out the windows, and Kairi goes through "Look, I'm a fifties housewife" sprints where suddenly everything's spotless and she's cooked a three course dinner and did it all in a cocktail dress because she didn't realize you're supposed to change into the dress after. 

Kinda-canon: Vanitas. He has a lot of pent up emotions and sometimes you have got to stress clean or cook. Kairi would help, but the arrangement of Vanitas doing the lion's share and it seeming to help him definitely works for the self-described lazy bum.

4. Who’s the better cook?

Grass is Greener: Vanitas. Kairi is a bit careless following recipes and doesn't have the innate "cooking sense" in regard to estimating amounts, flavors, heat, or time to freestyle. Vanitas, when he does cook, tends to get really serious about it even though he prefers the simple to assemble, like I said in the last answer.

Kinda Canon: Kairi. Vanitas is slow to adjust from the “food is only fuel not pleasure” mindset and Kairi starts out with a base of her adoptive parents having taught her some things. Vanitas has a sharp learning curve though, bullying Little Chef into helping him (because he's not going to lose) and not realizing that the bullying is what makes Little Chef more reluctant and ensures Remy doesn't teach him all the secrets he does to others.  Anyone can cook, but if you're mean you are taught to cook less well. Once Kairi gets Little Chef tutelage, it's all over.

5. Who’s the funniest drunk?

Grass is Greener: Both and neither in a way. They both have a very high tolerance. They tend to act out more on purpose out of the excuse than act out because of a truly altered state. Alcohol isn't magic. It just lowers inhibitions and neither has those to begin with. If I had to choose though, Kairi is a funnier drunk, because Vanitas's mean streak becomes more developed the drunker he is, whereas Kairi's mean streak, when she chooses to have one, is more practiced and purposeful cultivation instead of a natural harshness.

Kinda Canon: Vanitas. He is not prepared, and once he loses his filter everything spills out, and it's a lot less ugly than some people expected. Kairi just gets giggly and slightly louder, but otherwise doesn't change.

6. Do they have kids?

Grass is Greener: :) :D  Listen. Listen. If Shaky was the one who carelessly put "I don't think it fits me the way it used to" on the Vanikai picture she drew. SUPPOSEDLY this was done for cleavage and for the "help you take it off" joke but I know a dangled plotline when I see it. 

Kinda Canon: That partially depends on the state of the worlds and how many other keybearers there are when they are older. Even in a stable universe, I don't see them having kids young and it being a long discussion of whether they want kids at all, not the least because of the implications of Vanitas's powers and whether they are only his or would be passed down--what could happen to an infant that could summon Unversed and not know how to retract them even if they were loyal especially if it would be hurt by them being vanquished. I see them adopting orphans from other worlds and saying fuck world order more than having kids naturally. 

7. Do they have any traditions?

Grass is Greener: Annual trip to Vegas to recreate the way they met under new created identities.

Kinda Canon:  Vanitas calls every tradition he's introduced to stupid without fail. Vanitas also gets VERY into every holiday, and Kairi is all too happy to indulge. Then, he starts nudging her about teaching him more dumb holidays. Their tradition becomes ALL THE TRADITIONS. They celebrate holidays from every world and from every religion if there's a way to do it respectfully--and if it's not appropriate to participate, then they just learn about it as much as they are permitted--and then they look up and celebrate obscure or "made up" things like Leave a Zucchini on a Neighbor's Porch Day.

8. What do they fight about?

Grass is Greener:  What you would expect. 

Housework. 

Why do you take criticism like a personal attack?

What do you do all day? versus Why are you never home? 

Were you flirting with the waiter? 

Did you even want the baby? Was it a relief when I lost it?

Kind of Canon: Imagine Kairi saying in the same tone as Belle in Disney's Beauty and the Beast "Well you should learn to control your temper!"

No, really, it's mainly about Vanitas being "mean" to people...and then sometimes it's about Kairi doing the same and then blaming him as a bad influence.

9. What would they do if they found their paring tag on tumblr? (If they have one)

Grass is Greener: The flippant answer is that they are really confused about this whole Disney crossover with weird swords thing, and why they are teenagers in so many of these pictures. Don't even get them started on the skirt over the muscle suit paired with the motorcycle helmet Vanitas sees himself put in. When he wears a skirt he has a lot better style, especially if Kairi helps put together the outfit.

But let's take this in a different way. That one bad movie Kairi did is actually gaining a small cult following now years after its release. Someone does a "What Happened to Kairi Emberson? The Answer Will Shock You!" clickbait. The answer...is not shocking but enough people see a photo of Kairi, fine as ever, now Kairi White and looking so happy with Vanitas, and the pair get an objectively creepy because the next few pictures are pulled from social media they don't lock, but well intentioned few people finding and posting more cute pictures of the,  and they become a sparse tag and one that is half joking, but a RPS all the same. Kairi pretends to hate this, but is not so secretly really flattered. Vanitas genuinely hates it.

Kinda-canon:  Kairi loves it. Vanitas is fascinated despite himself. Everyone else is disappointed because they expected flustered denials or anger at those that portray them wrong, but Van and Kairi both just think it's cool.

10. Who cried at the end of Marley and me?

Grass is Greener: Neither. They roasted it for filth. They cried about it much later. Vanitas in the shower, and Kairi the next day when she was over at Xion's, saw her dog Elmo, and it all busted loose.

Kinda Canon: Vanitas. Cue a discussion about how movies work, how they are not real, and Vanitas snapping that he knows that until there are now multiple types of Unversed to take care of. Kairi gently cuddles both her man and the Unversed until equilibrium returns.

11. Who always wins at Mario kart?

Kairi in all universes. Vanitas doesn't care in GiG, but in canon there is a shout of "Rematch and this time it counts!" despite it being the 100th rematch

12. One thing I like about this ship?

That they have potential to understand each other more than people who technically know them better, or at least the concept of being seen a certain way and having a different "certain way" that everyone thinks it would be better if they grew toward instead of just being allowed to be. Princess of Heart and Agent of Darkness aren't really so different after all.

13. One thing I don’t like about the ship?

When it's clear that it's a fill in for people who want Soriku but can't think of anyone but Sora for Kairi, and so pick "other Sora." There's not anything wrong with that outright, and this isn't me annoyed with pair the spares (though that can rub wrong if it is handled wrong or I'm in a mood to make a point about how not everyone needs a romantic relationship), but annoyed with the reduction of Vanitas to "edgy Sora"

14. The song I would say fits them?

Grass is Greener:

Sibella, and I'll quote a verse and a half because clearly this isn't already long enough.

"You are vain and you are heartless and yet

I can feel in you a shade of sadness

That's barely detectable

That I still want you at all

I may live to regret

You're deceitful

You're delectable

You see the fate of a man

Who has had the misfortune

To spend his life caught in your sway

I see Sibella

My Sibella

And I like her that way"

It works both ways. Change whatever pronouns you want.

Kind of Canon: I...don't know. I can't think off the top of my head. 

15. Another headcanon about the paring? (Free space)

Grass is Greener: Even though they think they met in Vegas, they had crossed paths before and probably more than once. I don't have specific headcanons (yet), but this may be something if I ever write the other 20 bazillion Grass is Greener scenes for various characters and relationships that I want to do first.

Kind of Canon:  Kairi makes her own version of the suit and borrows Vanitas's helmet sometimes to do things she would never "get away with" as herself. Vanitas blesses this, helps her with the suit, and hands over the helmet after kissing the visor for luck. He also exposes her as a fake Vanitas by showing up at the worst time on purpose.

[discomfort-food]

Terrible, Beautiful, Maddening (a Hegeleth fic) 2/?

Summary:

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear.” ― H.P. Lovecraft

The second oldest is love.

Canon-divergent at the end of Azure Moon.

Read on AO3

The Sword of the Creator pulses warm in her hands as she swings it above her head, once, twice, lashing and striking the masked mage in front of her. The crackling violet magic at his fingertips is extinguished as he slams into one of the columns adorning the throne room. He slumps to the floor, leaving a crimson streak on the cold marble.

The nightmarish creature across the room snarls, hurling a blast of screaming magic at them. “Dimitri! On your right!” She yells, but he is already dodging, rolling, and leaping back to his feet to plunge Areadbhar into the chest of another imperial soldier. The air is acrid in the wake of the blast and burns her throat. 

They cut their way closer to the hovering form once known as Edelgard. The beast’s tail lashes in frustration as yet another burning blast is dodged by Dimitri. This time, however, he is a hair slower, and the end of his cloak takes the blow, burning a crescent shape into the end of it. He swats at the smouldering blue fabric and in his distraction he doesn’t notice one of the imperial soldiers raising their axe behind him. But she does.

“Drop!” Immediately he complies and she lobs a bolt of lightning from her hands, knocking the enemy off their feet and they move no more. 

She rushes up to him, dodging magic cast from the remaining clutch of mages in the center of the room, and reaches her hand out to bring the prince back to his feet. Together they run behind the nearest pillar a few feet away. 

“Thank you, professor,” he grunts, wiping a smear of blood off his face with the back of his gloved hand. She’s been wounded herself, her left arm burns where an errant fireball grazed her, and she’s bleeding from several gashes from blades that made it past her armor. She conjures up a basic healing spell, patching their wounds with a glowing white light. Mercedes or Flayn will have to take a closer look later, but for now it does the job.

“We must finish this, Professor. The Edelgard we once knew is long gone.” She nods, but can’t help feeling like there could have been another way to avoid this twisted path of fate.

--

Byleth woke to the steady plip-plop of water in a mostly-full bucket. The best inn in town didn’t have to worry about keeping its roof leak-free when it also happened to be the only inn in town. The drips, not as frequent as the night before, signalled the downpour had decided to let up. 

She blinked the sleep out of her eyes as she visually located her sword, propped against the bedside table. An old habit drilled into her by Jeralt: “Always know where your blade is, and always keep it within arm’s reach, especially when among strangers.” At the thought of strangers, her brain registered the second body in the bed beginning to stir next to her.

“Mornin’, you,” the woman next to her whispered, ghosting her fingers over Byleth’s muscled abdomen. “How’d you sleep?” 

Byleth grunted and closed her eyes again.

The woman-- did she say her name was Odette? Odelle? It didn’t really matter, she supposed-- tried again, this time, tracing a finger up a particularly jagged scar that followed her collarbone and reached toward her heart. “How’d you get this one? Looks pretty nasty.”

Byleth huffed, rolling over and swinging her legs over the side of the bed in one fluid motion. The room had a draft, and the cool air against her bare skin chased away the last remnants of sleep clouding her mind. “I need to get going,” she intoned, running her hands through her pale hair. 

A disappointed hum came from behind her. “Yeah, I get it.” The bed shifted with the removal of weight. She could hear the sound of clothes being found and pulled back on behind her. 

Byleth massaged her forehead, contemplating the floor. “Um… Thanks.” It came out awkwardly, she had never been good at these things. She doubted it would be any less awkward if she was able to process emotions properly.

The shuffling of clothes paused for a moment, then resumed. Floorboards creaked towards the door, and the latch opened with a click.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for, mercenary.” And she was alone in the room.

--

She peers around the pillar they’re using as cover. The remaining forces between them and Edelgard have dwindled to a handful of masked mages. They circle around a single one who Byleth presumes is their commander. She can see by now most of them don’t have enough energy to cast spells at them from their distance. Their leader, however, is more difficult for her to read. She notes that he is not wearing the standard issue imperial mage uniform.

“Focus on taking out the weaker ones around the edge. I’ll engage their leader. Ready?”

Dimitri nods an affirmative. She raises her sword and darts out from behind the marble column, Dimitri following suit from the opposite direction. The mage closest to her raises his hand to release a spell, but before he can let it go, she is on top of him and he collapses. 

Now, standing so close to their leader, she can see how his dress differs from the others. Rather than the standard imperial black with red trim, his black robes are detailed in gold patterns. Looking closer, the patterns remind her of eyes staring back at her. Like a whisper of a forgotten dream, a familiar feeling that she’s seen something like this before brushes her mind.

But this is not the time nor place to ponder forgotten memories, and she is immediately dodging a purple bolt of magic from the mage’s outstretched hand. She slashes at him, but his heavy cloak takes most of the damage.

He laughs as he dashes backwards away from her, his masked face distorting his voice into a mocking tone that grates on her ears. “Oh my, it looks like her Majesty’s plan isn’t working out as well as she’d anticipated!” He laughs as another magical blast from Edelgard shrieks over his head, narrowly missing her.

“Graaaagh!” With a roar, next to her, Dimitri pulls his lance out of the last of the surrounding mages. He pulls his arm back and launches it at the retreating mage. Just before it hits its mark however, the mage snaps his fingers and Warps away mid-cackle.

--

The rain finally ceased a couple hours after leaving Belfort. Byleth was grateful; her water-resistant cloak was unfortunately not water-proof, and enough dampness had made its way underneath to make her a bit more than mildly uncomfortable. 

Around noon, the sun managed to make an appearance, and a warm breeze did its best to dry her. The fields of ruined crops sloped gently downward ahead of her, and in the distance she could see a river crossed by a wooden bridge. Upon reaching the bridge, however, she turned left and walked along a faint, narrow path that followed the winding river, as the innkeeper in Belford had directed her: “Ayuh, just follow that path there, say about three miles, an’ you’ll run into ol’ Ulag. Fair warnin’, he’s gone quite mad livin’ out there on his own since his wife passed, goddess bless her soul.”

As Byleth made her way along the path, low bushes changed to small trees, which eventually gave way to a loose grove. She could tell this path was old, but infrequently used, with the occasional rotted fencepost poking out of the ground at an angle, and overgrowth that had begun to retake what it once owned.

The first sign of human life she came upon was a wooden board nailed to a knotted tree. “No Trespasing” was carved into it in shakey gouges. She ignored it and continued on.

The next warning was a series of animal skulls impaled on rusty lances stuck in the ground. 

Finally, a lopsided stone shack came into view through the trees. She sidestepped an obvious tripwire set a few inches off the ground, a quick glance showed her it was attached to several strings of bones hanging from the surrounding trees that would make a good deal of noise if they were disturbed. She walked closer towards the building, eyes searching for the resident.

“That’s far enough, missy,” a voice croaked from behind her. Spinning around, she could not locate the source of the voice until she raised her eyes above her.

Sitting several feet up in a tree was an old man pointing a drawn bow at her. “Can ye’ not read?

Disregarding his question, she spoke, loud enough for him to hear her up in the tree. “Are you Ulag? I was told you had seen a strange creature around here a month or so ago.”

The man’s bow went slack as he peered at her. “A ‘strange creature?!’ Bah!” He hawked a glob of spit at the ground. “That’s no way to talk about a man’s wife, you know!” 

Byleth blinked. “Your wife?”

Ulag squinted at her, “Aye, my wife. You deaf as well as blind, too?” He dropped out of the tree, landing on his feet with the grace a man of his age should not have possessed. “Who are you, anyway? Did they send you to spy on me?” His posture grew slouched, and his eyes darted around, searching for some unseen threat.

“I don’t know who they are,” she monotoned. “Can you tell me about your wife?”

 At the mention of his wife, his demeanor changed again. He sat back on a log, eyes misty amd far away. “Oh, she’s just the loveliest, the sweetest girl a man could ask for. She has soft, white hair, and has always loved to dress up in that pretty gown of hers. That’s how I knew it was her, of course.” 

“You knew?”

“Well of course I did! I’d be able to recognize my own wife, wouldn’t I? Who are you to come here, asking so many questions, anyway? You’re not trying to seduce her are you?” He jumped up from the log in a frenzy, waving his bow. “Don’t test me missy! Ol’ Ulag’s still got fire in his bones yet!”

Byleth stepped back a few paces, unfazed. “I’m not seducing anyone. I’m tracking a creature that may have passed through this area several weeks ago. The innkeeper in Belfort mentioned you told him that you saw something unexplainable in the woods here, which caused me to investigate.” 

Focused again, Ulag shook his head. “The only unexplainable thing here is you insisting my wife is some sort of monster! I saw her clear as day! Well, it was night. But it was a full moon! She was there, I swear on my life!” He gestured toward a clearing in the trees where several stumps of broken trees poked out of the ground like tombstones. 

“You only saw her the once?”

“There I was, sleeping in my bed. Next thing I know, Everett over there,” he pointed over his shoulder at possibly the oldest donkey Byleth had ever seen, “he starts screaming bloody murder. Now, I figure it’s a bear, ain’t seen one in a while but sometimes they get brave. So I grab my old pot and a stick, you know just to scare it off, but when I turn the corner, there she is! I know, I know, they all say ol’ Ulag’s damn near pickled himself in drink. But so what?! I ain’t got no kids, ain’t got nobody no more. Everett here’s not the best at conversation neither.”

Byleth interrupted his rambling, trying to keep the old man on topic. “Ulag. What did you see?”

“Oh, oh right. I saw her! Veiled in moonlight, a golden halo atop her head, and wings of an angel. But she startled me so, I dropped my pot, and quick as a whip, she was gone, back into the darkness.” His voice cracked and Byleth realized he had begun to tremble. “Ever since she got sick, terribly sick, she’s been hiding from me. She’s shy, you know. But now that I saw her I know she’s watching out for me. I just wish she’d come home...” His voice trails off into a whisper.

Byleth had heard enough. “Thank you for telling me of this. Take care of yourself, Ulag.” Circling him, she moved to return the way she had come. 

“Wait,” He spoke as she passed him. “Won’t you stay for a cup of tea?”

Wordlessly, she continued walking.

--

“No! But..” Edelgard’s cry echoes through the chamber, laced with fury and frustration, her eyes searching for any sign that the mage still remains in the room, but it is in vain.

Dimitri picks up his lance from the ground and points it at her. “To be changed beyond all recognition. That is what lies at the end of the ideals you served so diligently. I have no pity for one such as you. If that is the future you hoped for, then you deserve no compassion.” The creature remains silent, her features set in determination.

He charges up the stairs towards the emperor, and she follows a few paces behind. Her calf muscles burn from exhaustion, and she knows Dimitri must be in an even worse state. Edelgard hangs in the air above them, haloed in harsh light streaming from the stained-glass window behind her, a twisted illusion of an angel.

They reach her, and in tandem, swing their weapons. She lets out a snarl, swatting them with clawed hands wreathed in violet magic. They strike again, and again. Her thick, hide-like armor withstands most of the damage, even from their holy relics, but more and more gashes break through, each one punctuated by a gasp of pain. 

Curiously, she notices a pattern. When both of them rush to attack together, Edelgard favors defending and retaliating against Dimitri, allowing the Sword of the Creator to pierce her armor. Desperately, she fights on, trying to ignore the way the monster’s burning red eyes bore into her unbeating heart.

--

“It was just the strangest thing. Never seen anything like it in my life. Pa said it must have been the wolves, but I’ve seen wolf tracks and those weren’t made by any wolf I ever heard of.” 

Byleth was standing just outside a stone-fenced corral, currently home to half a dozen squealing pigs. The farmer, a young man barely out of his teens and sprouting a patchy beard, continued to shovel foul-smelling mud over his shoulder as he spoke.

“If not wolves what would you say the tracks looked like?” Byleth asked, but she already knew what his answer would be.

“That’s the thing, see. They almost looked like they were made by a human, as if they were walking on their toes, with their heel raised up, you know? But of course the size of them would make them stand fifteen, twenty feet tall.” He scoffed, shaking his head. 

She nodded, confirming her suspicions. “Thank you for your time.”

He squinted at her in the late afternoon sun, planting his shovel in the ground and leaning on it. “You’re trying to find this thing, yeah? If you know what it is, I’d be grateful if you told me. Myself and others around here can’t hardly afford to lose more livestock, not with things spread thin as they are right now.”

Byleth shrugged noncommittally; “It’s been moving steadily north for the last few months, so I doubt any of your pigs will become a second course meal.”

“That’s comforting, but you still haven’t told me what it is. A bear?” He wiped a line of sweat off his brow, leaving a brown smear across it.

“A bear.” Even she knew her response was less than convincing. A pale lock of flyaway hair blew into her vision. As they stood there, a dark stormfront had rolled in from the east, the sky there nearly black. “Wind’s howling.”

“Aye. Better get a hustle on if you’re looking to make it to a dry bed in time. Next town’s an hour’s walk from here.” 

With that, Byleth set off. The information she received from the farmer was nothing new. One of his pigs, or what was left of it, had been found a week ago, torn to shreds. Mysteriously, there was no way he could tell how the pig managed to escape it’s pen or if the predator had broken in, as the gate had still been locked securely that morning and there was no sign of a broken fence. It was as if something had simply plucked the animal from over the top of the pen.

Byleth had been collecting reports like these for several weeks, a mutilated farm animal here, some strange tracks there. Other than Ulag, the only other person who witnessed the creature was a young girl who had decided to take a shortcut through the forest from her grandmother’s house. She hadn’t stopped crying for three days. 

Gradually, the time between sightings and Byleth’s arrival shortened, from almost two months at the beginning, until now, where she estimated she was less than a week behind. At first, most people only reported tracks, or dogs howling at some unseen presence in the forest. Occasionally a single cow or sheep would go missing, the only exception occurring on the same night the young girl saw the monster in the woods. A whole herd of cattle had been destroyed shortly after. Most had not been eaten at all, but torn apart seemingly by pure rage. This incident was most concerning to Byleth, and after that she had quickened her pace and endeavored to close the distance between her and her quarry.

All of these sightings loosely meandered north, and now Byleth was somewhere in the western reaches of Varley territory from what she could tell. In the distance, she could see the foothills that would roll into the mountain range that divided Fodlan and where Garreg Mach monastery was nestled deep within. 

A fat raindrop landed squarely on her nose, breaking her from her silent contemplation and she knew she would not make it warm and dry to the town that night.

--

They fight for several torturous minutes, neither side gaining substantial ground over the other. They are much faster than Edelgard in this form and strike her more often than not, but her armored body is able to withstand the brunt of their blows. 

Next to her, Dimitri’s movements grow more harried; he has taken more hits than her and he holds his body at an angle that implies more than one of his bones is broken. For a moment she can see a flash of the old Dimitri, the ghoul that she found lurking in the Goddess Tower months ago. With a strained yell, he leaps at Edelgard, his lance miraculously finding purchase between the plates of armor at her shoulder and tearing a gash across the spot where glaring red energy shines through.

Edelgard screams, the wound leaking an inky black liquid, and reflexively reaches her hand out, her whole palm enclosing Dimitri’s arm that holds Areadbhar, and flings him across the platform they stand on. His body land out of sight with a sickening thud that echoes through the room. She calls out his name, but there is only silence. She offers up a quick prayer that he is not dead, in the slim chance that Sothis can somehow hear it.

She turns back to Edelgard, bracing for a strike, but it does not come. She realizes that while she was distracted by Dimitri’s fall, the emperor could have taken several opportunities to strike her. But she did not. Rather, Edelgard floats in place, trembling with exhaustion. Her face is downcast, almost expressionless but for a slight frown. 

“Facing you, I grow weak.” 

The words reverberate sorrowfully and a pit grows in her stomach with the knowledge of what she must do. She raises her sword, and a clawed hand lifts to strike.

--

With a quick spark, flint met steel and her campfire was set ablaze. Byleth had finally reached the edge of Fodlan’s central mountain range, and she had set up camp on a flat overhang halfway up a mountain at the mouth of the valley. 

The sun was just beginning it’s final descent on the horizon, and from her perch above the valley she could see the vibrant colors of the trees, indicating the Wyvern Moon was nearly at its close. As if on cue, a flock of wyverns swooped over the far end of the valley, heading south, not wishing to be the last ones caught in the chill of the Red Wolf Moon. 

She pulled the tie out of her pale hair and let it fluff out; it had begun to grow longer than she normally kept it but for reasons unknown to her, she had yet to cut it and instead had been tying it back. She couldn’t remember ever wanting to cut her hair at all, in fact. As a child, Jeralt would give her a trim once in awhile to keep it out of her eyes, and later on she only kept it at a manageable length to avoid getting in the way during battle. She supposed now there wouldn’t be many battles the future Archbishop needed to involve herself in. Perhaps she would let it grow out. 

Byleth leaned back against a tree, munching on the last of her bread she had bought two days ago at a small mining camp, the last sign of civilization since entering the mountains. It would only be three or four more days to Garreg Mach, although that would be rough travel as there were no roads on this side of the monastery. She supposed it was fortunate that she had naturally ended up so close to where she would have to return anyway, but a faint feeling of melancholy still settled in her chest.

The sun finally dipped below the valley walls, and Byleth reached for more firewood to increase the blaze. Normally, it would be unnecessary to make a fire this large, unwise in fact, as being high up on the mountain would make one a shining beacon for any potential bandits or thugs. This time, however, she wanted to be seen. Even two days away was too close to civilization for her liking, especially after witnessing the destruction of the cattle herd that was triggered by getting too near to one small girl. 

No, this campfire was a warning. 

She waited and listened, and the sun dropped lower, taking the last colors of daylight with it. Not long after the stars had appeared in the sky, she heard what she was waiting for. On the opposite side of the valley, the sound of trees, snapping, and crashing to the forest floor echoed through the night. The sounds grew fainter as they moved further away, until there was silence again.

Byleth slipped into dreams, regretting that her journey was nearing an end.

--

This time, she extends the Sword of the Creator to its full length, swinging it up and around the floating figure in front of her. It wraps itself around the towering creature and tightens, eliciting monstrous gasps as each section of the blade digs itself into flesh. She wrenches the sword downward and Edelgard is dragged to the ground, crashing to her knees.

She bites back the taste of blood in her mouth and only just now realizes a sharp pain in her chest. In the struggle, a clawed hand has pierced through her armor, through her chest where her unbeating heart lay. 

She looks up at Edelgard, who still towers over her even kneeling. The creature struggles against her binds weakly, but it only twists itself tighter; a morbid serpent wrapping around its prey. 

Glowing red eyes meet green, and despite the war, despite not knowing if Dimitri still lived, within the black depths she can still see the eyes of the girl she saved all those years ago from a bandit attack. 

She can do this no longer.

With a flick of her wrist, she withdraws her sword, releasing the monster before her. She raises it up again, and Edelgard flinches, anticipating a final strike, but it does not come. 

The Sword of the Creator extends, reaching towards a new target. It arcs beyond the platform they stand on, and reaches the stained glass window high above them. The glass shatters, showering them in multicolored shards. The sudden increase in light pains her eyes and she closes them for a moment. She is tired, so very tired.

A cold, yet burning sensation fills her chest as the claws within it are withdrawn and she stumbles, now she is the one on her knees. She can feel her vision grow hazy as a wet warmth bleeds from her wound, staining her white collar crimson. She sees wings outlined in the blurred light of the window, and the last thing she remembers is drawing on her last reserves of magic to call down a Ragnarok spell just a few feet away where Edelgard had been moments before.

Then, there is nothing.

[inkstainedfanfics]

Dinner for Three

Request: Hi. Could I request an imagine? Newt is dating Reader but doesnt know he is a wizard. One day niffler escapes (or any creature) and Reader goes to see what is happening and she discovers the trunk and she is freaked to the point of passing out.

Word Count: 2,027

Pairing: Newt x Reader

Special thanks to @drdanwrites for helping me realize I was starting this story in the wrong place. Go follow her for awesome writing!

Requested by Anonymous but also tagging @red-roses-and-stories @dont-give-a-bother @caseoffics @myrtus-amongst-the-stars @ly--canthrope @thosefantasticbeast2 @benniesgalaxy @whatinbenaddiction

Your face is red and you’re shifting nervously in your seat as Newt once again glances at the hallway over your shoulder. His eyebrows are furrowed and his mouth is set in a half-frown as he stares at the shadows. The plate of your homemade spaghetti remains virtually untouched in front of him.

“So,” you begin, desperate to start some sort of conversation on this fifth date, “have you decided what you’re going to write about?”

His eyes snap back to you, anger fading into guilt. “Sorry, what?”

You force a smile to your face, acting as though this isn’t absolutely mortifying. He clearly doesn’t want to be here; you’re annoying your own boyfriend. Sure, you’ve only been dating for about a month now, but you’ve come to really care for him. The last thing you want to do is annoy him.

“Have you decided what you’re writing about yet?”

Newt drops your gaze as he lifts his fork. “Not quite. I’m mulling over some ideas still.”

“Like what?”

“Oh, nothing too interesting yet…” he trails off, looking at the hallway behind you again.

“I’m sure they’re fascinating.”

“Possibly.” Newt’s murmur is as distracted as everything else he’s said tonight.

You sigh and scoop up a bite, wondering just what you did to incite the obvious annoyance and anger he has. Does he not like pasta?

He doesn’t notice your despair as he scoots his chair back and sets his napkin on the table. “Excuse me for just one moment.”

“But where…” you begin, trailing off as he strides past you, attention on something else entirely.

He’s gone, leaving you alone with two plates of spaghetti and an empty chair.

You set down your fork, rubbing your forehead as his footsteps disappear into another room. The evening had started out so well. He’d taken your jacket, seemed excited for the dinner you’d brought over, even pulled your chair from the table for you. And the beginning of dinner had been as lovely as every other date with Newt. You’d discussed his recent business trip to Bolivia and hazarded a few more guesses about what he does for a living – accountant, photographer, cartographer – though none of them were correct. He’d even complimented the shirt you’d chosen (an hour’s worth of changing over and over was not wasted) and asked you to elaborate on how you’d learned to cook so well. Then, suddenly, halfway through the story about your mother helping your press garlic, something had changed.

Had it been something you said? Your mind goes into overdrive as you consider everything you’d brought up. You’d mentioned something about Newt’s mother in your story. What if she’s sick? What if she was just in a car crash? What if they can’t stand each other?

You drop your head into your hands, absolutely miserable. God, how can anyone stand dating someone? It’s too stressful, too full of rules and worries.

Something slams behind you, startling your thoughts away. “Newt?” You call out slowly. A sharp rap sounds from the door. “Newt, is everything all right?”

God, what if there’s an intruder he’s fighting? What if he expects you to be calling the police right now instead of sitting at the table. You stand, starting for the telephone but stop yourself as there’s another bang. If he’s fighting an intruder already, there’s really no time to wait for the police. He needs help now.

You make the decision in a split second and don’t let yourself consider any other approach. Snatching a large statue of a dragon from the mantel, you slowly walk to the door. The plates of spaghetti sit there, cold now, but the embarrassment you felt earlier over them is completely forgotten. Your entire focus is on the noises coming from the other room.

A huge crash rattles the door you’re staring at; a cry of pain follows. “Newt!” You cry, rushing forward.

You hesitate at the door for only a second before steeling yourself and pushing it open. It only moves a few inches before slamming against to a halt. Planting your feet and tightening your grip on the statue, you drive your shoulder into it and manage to push it open wide enough to squeeze through.

A wardrobe lies face down on the ground, blocking the door. The ground around it is covered in shattered glass: Once a vase, you assume, by the tulips now lying in a puddle of water. The curtain over the window has been torn in half and hangs by threads, and papers are strewn across the ground. The only thing in the room not overturned or destroyed is a small suitcase sitting open.

“Newt?” You call out tentatively, creeping forward, careful to watch where your feet land.

There’s no response.

You peer around the room, searching for some explanation, but there isn’t one. There’s no place he could have escaped to. The room’s on the third floor, the window’s shut, and the only way into or out of the room is through the door you managed to pry open.

You’re still baffled by his disappearance when you peer into his case. That, unfortunately, only makes this entire situation worse.

A staircase. There’s a staircase in this suitcase. Your hand shakes slightly as you try to reconcile the facts. Newt’s disappearance, the torn-up room, the suitcase with stairs… Oh mercy, what the hell?

“Newt?” You call, voice barely carrying through the room and certainly not making it down the short staircase. “Newt?” You try again as you work up the nerve to crawl down there.

You take a deep breath. Maybe this is just a weird decoration style that you’ve never seen before. Maybe Newt owns the apartment directly below this one and it was just weirdly constructed. You wrack your brain but come up with no better answer. Weird decoration. All right.

Stepping down the staircase, you keep the dragon statue firmly in one hand and up against your chest. At first, you think you’re hearing things, that all this stress has driven you to hallucinating, but with every step down, strange noises grow louder. There’s caws, croaks, tweets, and… roars?

You reach the bottom step, and the room opens up in front of you. You stare, eyes wide, at the place. This is no second floor, no apartment. This can only be described as a habitat.

Stone bites into your hand as you white-knuckle the statue. A long-necked grey … thing … wanders past you, giant eyes fixated on the moon above you. You’re grateful it doesn’t seem to notice you as it roams forward. A pack of birds you vaguely recognize roam past you, pecking at the ground. You nearly drop the statue when you realize they’re dodo birds. Dead creatures, extinct if you learned anything in school.

A shout bursts out in front of you, startling both you and the tiny, grey giraffe.

Newt’s a few yards away, chasing a mole, a branch extended in his hand. He doesn’t notice you as he yells something gibberish. You don’t know what the hell is happening, can’t reconcile it with the man you know. He’s not crazy, doesn’t use made up words or play around with tree branches. He also has never once mentioned having a staircase in the beat-up case he carries around everywhere, never talked about these strange creatures, never let on that he has a whole ecosystem here.

You stop breathing as a flash of green light seems to shoot from the end of the branch in Newt’s hand and streaks through the air. It connects with the mole, and the animal freezes as though its muscles just stopped working. Newt waves the branch again.

You pinch yourself, eyes wide, breathing stopped, as the creature slowly begins to move, jostling side to side first then rising into the air. Every part of you is screaming to run, that this isn’t natural and you need to get away, but your muscles don’t cooperate.

Your vision spiderwebs and disappears just as Newt turns in your direction, mole in his hand.

The world’s dark and black and all you can make out are some muffled sounds. Someone near you is speaking, saying something about Merlin and shocks. Something else caws near your ear, and the sounds grow louder with each passing second.

“There you are.” Newt’s words are muffled as he nods to himself, hand wrapped around your wrist, presumably taking your pulse. “You’re all right.”

You try to sit up as your vision returns, only managing with Newt’s aid as he wraps an arm around your back to support you.

He’s kneeling next to you, sleeves rolled up, branch in his mouth. His lips are curved up in an apologetic smile, and he reaches up to take the branch from his mouth. “Terribly sorry I didn’t mention something earlier.”

You blink, glancing around. The field still surrounds you. Creatures have appeared, poking up over the tall grass or peering at you from a distance. Animals you’ve never seen before slowly creeping forward.

“Where am I?” The question’s shaky, because of your recent fainting spell or because of the discomfort coursing through your veins, you’re not quite certain.

“My…” Newt pauses, appearing to be searching for the right word, “workplace.”

“But how? And why,” You jerk your chin at his wand. “are you carrying a branch?”

Newt attempts to suppress a grin. “It’s not a branch.”

Your head spins. “Where’d the green light come from?”

He opens and closes his mouth twice before dropping his head. “I think I have a lot to explain. Perhaps we should go upstairs and I can explain everything over dinner?”

You can’t tear your eyes away from the grey giraffe in front of you as you nod. Its adorable, blinking at you with those huge eyes. “What’s that?”

“A mooncalf.”

“Is it dangerous?”

Newt laughs. “Only if you’re a handful of grain.”

“May I pet it?” Your cheeks are flaming as you look up at Newt. The question seems so juvenile, but the creature’s too adorable as you watches you.

“You’d like to?”

“If he won’t hurt me.”

Newt’s grin softens as he looks at you.

“So, can I?” You question again.

“Of course. Would you like to feed him?”

The creature brightens at the word, letting out a soft caw that has your heart swelling. “I’d love to.”

Newt helps you to your feet, leading you through the area. “I suppose I don’t have to hide what I’m writing about now.”

“You’re writing about this? All of it?”

He chuckles. “All of it.”

“That’s… wow.”

He raises an eyebrow in response, but nods down at the statue you’d forgotten you’d brought down. “May I ask why you had my statue of a Hungarian Horntail?”

Your cheeks burn. “I, um, thought you needed help.”

“With what?”

“I, um, I thought maybe you were being attacked.”

Newt grins at the words. “And you were planning on fighting with that?”

“It was the first thing I saw. You were the one dropping everything in there. It sounded like you were being murdered.”

“Well,” he says between laughs, “thank you for your worry. I do appreciate your attempt to save my life even if it was misguided.”

You roll your eyes at his teasing, but he tugs you against his chest and you can’t help smiling. The rest of the night goes well. You learn about spells and creatures and a whole dimension of the world you wish you’d known your whole life. Newt lets you feed the creatures and shows you the bowtruckle’s trees. He walks you through the fields and, when the moon is at its height, kisses you quickly.

Both of your cheeks are red as you head back to the apartment.

The plates of spaghetti are still there, cold, a waste, but Newt warms them up quickly and you eat before finally grabbing your jacket and walking out the front door.

Later that week, a parcel arrives at your house. When you open it, a warm feeling floods your veins. Inside is a dragon statue and a note: Next Wednesday, thunderbird lessons. Newt.

[quentinsquill]

Fic: “Interception.”

Interception

Author: Lexalicious70

Fandom: The Magicians (TV)

Pairing: Eliot Waugh/Quentin Coldwater

Rating: T

Word Count: 2,744

Summary: A plan to protect Quentin from the hedge witches goes wrong for Eliot, but how far will Quentin go to help pick up the pieces?

Notes: I don’t own The Magicians, they own me. This is just for fun. It was supposed to be a drabble for @cldfiredrgn, but it got long. Prompt was “What the hell happened to you?”  Comments/kudos are magic. Enjoy!

Or read it on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11097153

Interception 

by Lexalicious70 (aka Neptune_Rising70 or The ChampagneKing70)  

 “What the hell happened to you?”

 Eliot turned, starting as Quentin spoke, then wincing as the movement caused dirty water and globules of mud to patter to the floor of the Physical Kids cottage. The door, still marked with the irregular charred circle Alice had given it when she and Quentin had let themselves in a few weeks before, swung shut.

 “I—I didn’t think anyone would be up.” Eliot moved toward the stairs, wincing as his soaked socks squished in his shoes—God, his good shoes—with every step. Quentin unfolded himself from the chair in the corner, where he’d been re-reading The Wandering Dune under the soft light of an ambient lamp. The big common room was deserted otherwise, with most Brakebills students having retired to their beds about midnight, nearly three hours ago.

 “I couldn’t sleep. El, what happened?”

 A slithery gob of mud mixed with something Eliot could smell dripped from his hair and the mere thought of Quentin seeing him (and smelling him) made Eliot bolt. He ran up the steps and jagged right to all but dive into his room. He slammed the door and then leaned against it as he listened to Quentin’s footsteps on the stairs.

 “Eliot, wait!” He called, and Eliot turned a hand and then crooked two fingers to lock the door.

 “Go away, Quentin! I’m fine!”

 “You’re not fine!” Quentin’s footsteps crossed the landing and then he was knocking on Eliot’s door. Eliot lifted a shaking hand to his hair, which was starting to dry into crusty whorls, the ends stiff. He needed Margo—her unquestioning help, the way she’d help him out of his clothes and into the common shower down the hall before anyone else saw—but she was off campus this weekend with her new mentor, a magical adept who also happened to be a writer for a major fashion magazine. Eliot was happy for her, or at least he would be under normal circumstances, but this was anything but normal and he cursed her for not being by his side. On the other side of the door, Quentin continued to knock.

 “Eliot please, let me in! Come on!” A pause. “Look, if you’re worried that I’ll tell people, I won’t! I swear! I just want to help!”

 Eliot closed his eyes. He could still feel the trembling in his arms and legs from the spell the hedge witches had used on him and knew he wouldn’t be able to manage on his own.

 You told him you bond fast . . . so I guess this is the second thing you’ve brought upon yourself tonight, you fucking idiot.

 He unlocked the door, turned, and opened it far enough for Quentin to slip through before shutting and locking it again. Quentin peered into the darkness of the older magician’s room.

 “Eliot, turn a light on!”

 “Must I?”

 “I can’t help you if I can’t see you!”

 The overhead light clicked on and Quentin’s eyes widened as he got a good look at Eliot. His good clothes were streaked with mud and slime, and there were finger tracks in the stuff on his cheeks, as if he’d tried to wipe it away with equally dirty fingers. His hair, usually so carefully coiffed, dripped something Quentin knew wasn’t all mud. Thick globs were drying in the back, as if someone had pelted him with them as he was retreating. His usual expression, one of bored indifference that always bordered on quiet amusement, was unguarded. His legs looked wobbly.

 “Fuck.” Quentin said, and Eliot nodded.

 “The evening didn’t quite go as I’d planned—” The tall magician’s legs gave out and he fell to the floor, landing with a thud onto his ass. Quentin went to him.

 “Eliot!”

 “I’m all right! I’m fine, I just . . . I need your help, Quentin. Margo isn’t here.”

 “I know. But what happened?” He asked, kneeling down and looking Eliot over before first removing his mud-caked scarf and then tugging off his cranberry jacket and then unbuttoning his vest. Eliot looked away.

 “It’s a dreadfully long story.”

 Quentin materialized a trash bag in one hand and dumped the sodden, smelly clothes inside.

 “It’s a quarter after three in the morning, El. I think we have time.” He paused at Eliot’s trousers and then decided to remove his shoes and socks instead. Eliot frowned as water and sludge ran from each one as Quentin pulled them off and channeled the runoff into the bag.

 “Those were suede!” The last word trembled with anger, but when Quentin glanced up, he saw a brightness in Eliot’s eyes that threatened to spill over onto his cheeks.

 “Who did this?”

 Eliot swallowed hard and his mouth tightened.

 “Hedge witches. Four of them.”

 “Hedge—! What happened? Did they jump you? We have to tell the dean!”

 “No!” Eliot held up a dirty hand. “No, we don’t. And we aren’t. They didn’t jump me. Not really.”

 “Not really? What’s that even mean?” Quentin fumbled Eliot’s trousers open in a way that would have been endearing and kind of arousing if Eliot weren’t covered in pig shit.

 God, he hoped it was just pig shit.

 “Meaning that they didn’t come out of nowhere and attack me. I went to meet with them. In an abandoned barn near the Mowhawk Valley.”

 “You met—but you said—Eliot, why would you do that? You know what they’re like! You told me they were desperate, and after everything that’s happened, we know they’re dangerous! Why would you go meet a group of them by yourself and not tell anyone? You could have gotten hurt or killed!”

 Eliot closed his eyes a moment and then Quentin’s hand fell on his shoulder.

 “Okay, El. I’m sorry. Come on . . .” He slung Eliot’s right arm across his shoulder and wriggled underneath it, his other arm around Eliot’s waist. He managed to heave the taller man up with him, and Eliot swayed, now dressed only in a pair of midnight blue boxers with small white pinpoints on them. They were wet too but mercifully free of the gunk that was still in his hair and on his face. Quentin cast a spell on the door so he didn’t have to let go of Eliot and they went down the hall and into the cottage’s large bathroom. There were two on this floor, but the other one had a bathtub, not a shower, and Eliot was grateful that the shower was a walk in. He watched as Quentin got the water going and glanced down at Eliot’s boxers.

 “Uhm. Can you—are you able to . . .?” He asked, and Eliot nodded as he pushed them down. Quentin lowered the lid on the toilet and sat down as Eliot pulled the shower curtain shut and stood under the hot spray, shivering, his arms crossed tightly as he cupped his elbows, as gunk from his hair broke loose and ran down his shoulders. He tried to reach for the soap, but he felt like if he stopped holding himself, he’d fall down again.

 “Eliot?” Quentin called softly after about five minutes. “Are—are you okay in there? Do you need help or something?”

 “Just having a bit of trouble with my balance.” Eliot replied, trying for a casual tone, but he heard the wobble.

 “Did you wash your hair?”

 “I—I’m not sure I can manage. You might need to help me get out and I’ll try again in a bit.”

 No reply. Eliot frowned, wondering if Quentin had fled, no longer able to deal with the situation. Then the curtain pulled back at one end and Quentin stepped into the shower behind him, clad in a pair of dark boxers. Eliot turned, staggering, and Quentin reached out to steady him.

 “What the fuck, Q?” He stared down at the shorter man, and Quentin cleared his throat.

 “I told you I wanted to help. And I can’t just—you know—not help or pick and choose how.” Quentin reached up and took down the removable shower attachment. “Turn back around. Brace your hands on the wall if you have to.”

 “Prison rules?” Eliot tried to smile and then Quentin was nudging him. Eliot turned and for a moment he felt Quentin press against him. He blinked, startled, but then more blissfully warm water was running over his head and Quentin’s other hand was there, gently breaking up clumps of mud and dried slime, where it melted and ran down the drain. More tears pricked Eliot’s eyes as the smell of the stuff permeated the small space. Despite the smell, Quentin’s hand never drew away or paused, rinsing every few moments, and then the attachment bumped against the side of the tub, spraying there, as both his hands, lathered with the citrus shampoo Eliot liked, plunged into his hair and began to gently scrub. His nails worked along Eliot’s scalp and he tried not to shiver. Quentin washed his hair twice, used the matching conditioner, and then rinsed it a final time. By that time, Eliot had managed to soak a loofah with body wash and get himself clean. The smell finally dissipated and Quentin turned off the shower.

 “Hang on, just—wait there.” He stepped out and then opened the curtain, averting his eyes a little as he got one clean towel around Eliot and then opened another one as Eliot hooked it around his narrow hips. Quentin draped the other one over his head and put it up into a twist, the motion surprisingly deft. He wrapped a third around his waist and worked down his wet boxers, letting them slide to the floor.

 “Ready?” He asked Eliot, who nodded.

 “Feeling a bit stronger. And much cleaner.” He took a deep breath. “Thank you, Quentin.”

 “You would have done the same for me.” Quentin smiled up at him as they went back into Eliot’s room. The trash bag with his clothes was gone, presumably popped into the dumpster when Quentin had gone to strip. Eliot’s nose twitched—the room still carried the faint, bitter odor and Quentin lifted his hands. Eliot sat down on the bed, watching, as he did a few quick turns with his hands and created a fragile looking ball between them, sheer like a soap bubble. He set it free and it burst in midair, releasing a subtle but pleasant scent, like clean linen, dissolving the last of the odor. Eliot smiled.

 “Where did you learn that?”

 “Alice taught me. She thought the first-year dorms had a funk.”

 “A funk. Well, she’s not wrong there.” Eliot got a robe from his closet and pulled it on while Quentin stayed in his towel. He climbed up on the bed and Eliot looked over his shoulder.

 “What are you doing?” He asked, and Quentin pulled the towel off his head. There was a pause, and then a brush was moving through his curls with care.

 “Hold still.” Quentin said, and Eliot folded his hands in his lap as Quentin knelt behind him and worked the tangles from his wet hair. Silence spun out for nearly a minute, and then Quentin spoke quietly. “What were you doing with those hedges, El?”

 Eliot sighed. He owed Quentin a great debt of gratitude—he’s not even sure if Margo wouldn’t have bolted after seeing and smelling him—and owed him the truth as well.

 “I went to barter for a spell.”

 “What kind of spell?”

 “A protection spell. A powerful one. I looked in the library but there was nothing. I put out some feelers, and that’s when the group in the Mohawk Valley contacted me. I went there to trade for the spell—nothing that would have made them dangerous, just shit that impresses your basic first years. No offense. But the deal went bad. We argued, and then one of them blasted me from behind with battle magic. It wiped me out, Q. I slid about twenty feet and then one of them used a propulsion spell to pitch me over a hill. And at the bottom of the hill was a sludge pond. Apparently, the property used to be a pig farm.”

 “Jesus El! You could have drowned or hit your head or they could have killed you! What kind of spell was so important that you felt you had to risk your life for it?”

 Eliot pressed his lips together. The bed tilted as Quentin crawled off it and then rounded it to stand in front of him. He looked angry but also a little absurd, dressed in nothing but a purple bath towel, but his dark eyes bored into Eliot’s own until he sighed.

 “The kind that would protect you from hedge bitches like Julia and Marina for the rest of your life. So that I don’t have to find you in a closet, comatose, ever again, or have to face the possibility of anyone hurting you to the point where you’ll never wake up, Quentin!”

 The angry, defensive look dropped from Quentin’s expression.

 “What? You—the spell was to protect me?”

 “Of course it was! When we found you in that closet and Dean Fogg said it might be too late to help you, it was like a punch to the fucking gut.” He looked Quentin in the eye. “I’m not done discovering you yet, Q. I’m not even close. So yes, I bartered with other hedges because I want to protect you.” Eliot took a deep breath. “I—I care for you, Quentin. Deeply.”

 Quentin went down on one knee, then both, and picked up Eliot’s hands.

 “If you’re fucking with me, El, do me a favor and don’t let on.” His voice shook and Eliot squeezed his hands.

 “I’m not fucking with you, Q! Christ, do you think I tried to strike a deal with a bunch of hedges to trick you? To fool you into believing I love you?” The words came out in a rush and Quentin’s eyes widened. Eliot sat there for a moment as the words echoed in the room, knowing that he couldn’t unsay them, no matter what Quentin’s reaction would be.

 “So. You . . .” Quentin let go of one of his hands to gesture vaguely. “You, uhm . . . that thing you said? You do?”

 “Yes, Quentin.”

 “Oh. So do you mean that you—that you’re in love . . . with . . .?”

 “I don’t expect you to reciprocate. I know that you hammmmmffffff!” Eliot’s words were drowned by Quentin’s sudden, passionate (if not slightly inexperienced) kiss. He shivered, recovered, and cupped Quentin’s face to return the kiss. Quentin’s hands hovered around Eliot’s shoulders for a moment and then rested there before he pulled back.

 “I do. Reciprocate, I mean. A lot.” He grinned, and Eliot pushed his hands through Quentin’s damp hair.

 “Of course, you realize this means that I’m going to double my efforts to find a spell to protect you from anymore inceptions.” He pulled Quentin up and into his lap, coaxing the smaller man to lay his head on his shoulder. It didn’t take much, and Quentin sighed as he relaxed against Eliot’s long frame.

 “You can’t put yourself in danger for me again!”

 “I’m pretty sure that’s what caring for someone is, Q. Doing your best to intercept danger before it can harm the person you love.”

 “Well . . . I guess that means I have to triple my efforts to intercept it while you intercept inceptions.” He smiled, and Eliot rolled his eyes.

 “Please, Q. It’s four in the morning. Don’t make me regret asking you to stay here with me for the rest of the night.”

 Quentin frowned.

 “But . . . you didn’t.”

 Eliot yanked the towel from Quentin’s hips and fell backwards with him onto the bed before rolling them onto their sides, with Eliot spooning him firmly. He tucked a pillow under Quentin’s head and pulled up the covers.

 “Please stay.” Eliot buried his nose in Quentin’s hair.

 “I will.” Quentin nodded, and Eliot settled a hand on his hip. As he felt the younger man’s breathing fall into the slow, steady pattern of sleep, he tugged him close, holding him, safe in the space that was Eliot’s arms, a space that contained no spell, but nevertheless held a magic all its own.

 FIN

[pixieauthoress]

Did you know that Jason Momoa’s first movie appearance (after he made his debut in Baywatch) was in the 2003 Lifetime movie, Tempted? No? Well, it’s a good thing @momoejaku​ and I spent our afternoon/evening watching this amazing film on YouTube so that I could review it in all of its glory. Yes, this was totally a sensible way to spend my evening. No, I really shouldn’t be editing my novel. Thanks for asking. 

But, I mean, why wouldn’t you want to watch a low-budget movie from the early 00s in which young Jason Momoa hooks up with a middle aged tourist with a white saviour complex who is going through a midlife crisis? That kind of film totally has a universal appeal.

We went into this film knowing nothing more than the plot description on YouTube: “A married woman becomes attracted to a young man after she takes the ashes of her nanny to Hawaii.” It’s a little more complicated than that. Okay, a lot. There’s a lot of drama in this movie.

Let’s start with the font used for the credits in this movie. I’m pretty sure this was the default calligraphy font on MS Word back in the day? I totally used this font for a the headings on a bunch of my primary school projects. 

Emma, our heroine, lives in Boston, and literally every shot set in Boston features snow, in order to contrast the sunny, carefree lives of Hawaiians with the cold, sterile, boring life Emma is living in Boston.

We’re presented with our first-shot of Emma--a busy woman who balances making smoothies (people in Hawaii eat fresh fruit; those in Boston blend it into fancy smoothies) with making serious phone calls about legal matters. Her hair is always up in Boston. This is significant. 

We meet Emma’s kids--a cute geeky kid called Neil (or Neal? I’m not sure, the subtitles were super inconsistent) and a rebellious teen called Jamie. Were blonde streaks rebellious in 2003? Was it really that hard to find a teenage actress who was willing to dye her hair purple or another whacky colour? She wears band tees and lots of black and gets annoyed when her mom won’t let her talk to her boyfriend, Scott, on the phone at breakfast. At one point it’s mentioned that her parents don’t approve of her piercings, but where are they? They must be somewhere super controversial since they’re never visible in the film.

We meet Eddie (I think it’s Eddie? He’s super forgettable, so let’s just go with Eddie), the husband for whom Emma was making that smoothie. Look at what an attentive wife she is, finding time to make fresh smoothies (I mean, it’s not like something like this existed in 2003) on top of working and preventing her daughter from speaking on the phone with her boyfriend! And look at Eddie, totally not paying attention to Emma’s awesomeness by telling her he has to work late again, meaning she has to look after the kids again. I mean, I get it. My husband has gone on three work trips in the last six weeks and I’m tired of being the sole carer of our kid during that time, but this is basically the only aggravating thing Eddie does in this scene? IN SPITE OF THIS, @momoejaku shouted “Throw that smoothie at him and go to Hawaii to find Jason!” Smooth, @momoejaku. He also doesn’t know where his jacket is (in the closet, duh) so he’s pretty useless. 

Casual reminder that Emma is living this boring, smoothie-filled life in a BIG CITY. So unlike Hawaii. 

We spent just long enough at Emma’s office to learn that she’s a paralegal with a ton of legal knowledge that goes totally unappreciated by her boss, who is seriously overworking her. None of the old white guys in Emma’s life appreciate her enough. On the plus side, she does stand up to her boss, but gets shot down. She tries. We appreciated her attempt to stick it to the man!

While at her office, she gets the call about her nanny (Lily) dying. She’s super sad. She mentions to her assistant (or whoever the other guy in her office is) that Lily raised her. At this point I assumed this was just a standard “rich white girl is raised by a nanny so her mom and dad can do other stuff” scenario, but having watched the entire film I’m wondering if she grew up without a mom? The details are super vague.

Emma goes to Lily’s apartment (presumably? again, vague) and reads a letter Lily conveniently left out for her. Lily never told her she was sick and apologises for this, and talks about how wonderful it was to raise Emma. We see lots of pictures of the two of them, proving their beautiful bond, etc. Emma is sad and sniffs Lily’s scarf or something. There’s emotional music.

Eddie comes home and strips while talking about his day and we’re just like, um, no, where’s Jason? Emma tells him about Lily’s death and how bad she feels that she didn’t know she was sick, and her husband is just like “Meh, friendships change”. She tells him about Lily’s desire (as expressed in the letter) for Emma to take her ashes to Hawaii to be scattered and take part in some traditional ritual (which I can’t spell because, again, inconsistent subs) and he brushes off the idea because Emma works 10-hour days and he’s busy putting up a building (is he an architect? again, super vague details here) and who would look after the kids? Basically: Eddie is a bit of a douche, Emma deserves better. 

Emma is watering a plant and then there’s vaguely ghostly music and she’s taken back to a pretty memory of her and Lily making leis together. From this scene I assumed that she grew up in Hawaii, but was later proven wrong. 

Emma shouts at her teenage daughter for staying in bed on a weekend, instead of joining them for family pancake breakfast. I think we’re supposed to think the daughter is super rebellious, but all she’s done is sleep in, listen to loud music (which neither me or @momoejaku​ could hear on the YouTube version of the film?) and own an awesome poster that says Darkside Skateboards. As in, evil jedis ride them? We both want Darkside Skateboards. Anyway, it’s hard parenting such a rebellious (?) teen. Poor Emma. Domesticity is hard. After this supposedly dramatic scene, Emma takes her wicker laundry basket (seriously, people own wicker laundry baskets? Was this an early 00s thing?) into her bedroom and has another (kind of sensualised?) flashback about Lily teaching her to dance.

A delivery guy drops of Lily’s ashes and Eddie has totally forgotten they were arriving, and the kids are like “Eww, her remains are in there? Like her bones and stuff? That’s gross” and I don’t understand how they’ve got to that age without knowing how cremation works? Emma is upset by their disrespect for Lily (who they apparently didn’t know all that well, given their apathy to all of this) and announces that she’s taking Lily home to Hawaii. We cheer and @momoejaku​ shouts “JASON!” This has been a loooooong 12 minutes of making sure we know just how boring Emma’s life is, how under-appreciated she is, and how much she misses Lily.

Emma arrives in Hawaii and we finally get to see BABY JASON! He steps out his truck wearing one of the many, many tank-tops he sports in this movie. We’re fairly certain his contract stated that he had to show off his biceps in literally every scene. Not that we’re complaining or anything. He’s pretty skinny, in spite of the bicep thing? He introduces himself as Lily’s nephew, Kala, and his voice is super deep and we spent time pondering how weird this is, but then it’s fine for the rest of the movie so maybe he just had a cold? Maybe something went wrong with the recording? We’re not sure. Send us your theories. Anyway, verdict so far: Baby Jason is adorable.

So, YouTube subbed “Lily’s Emma?” as “They’ll eat salmon” and I had to show you all. Anyway, it’s revealed that everyone knows who Emma is, in spite of the fact that she’s never been to Hawaii, and everyone knows Lily too. Baby Jason explains that it’s a “small island, no secrets” and seriously, if you plan to drink while watching this film, you should do a shot any time someone says that line. Hawaii is tiny y’all and Emma is a celeb, obvs. 

YouTube interpreted “I’m driving” as “I’m drugged” but I like the idea that Baby Jason was high for the entirety of this film a lot better. There’s cute-ish car-driving banter, Jason reveals he knows tons about Emma’s life while she has no idea who he is? And he quips about the “small island, no secrets” thing again—which suggests that it’s really not the best place to have an affair with your nanny’s nephew? Maybe this is all foreshadowing.

Jason drops Emma off at Lily’s house (which she didn’t know existed) and nothing really eventful happens except WET BICEPS ZOMG.

Emma wanders around outside the next morning taking in the views of Hawaii for like five entire minutes, until Jason happens to come along and see her in her PJs, OMG SCANDAL. Unlike what the subtitles suggest, he came from his “mother’s old house” across the way, not his “mother’s old ass”. @momoejaku​ literally had to pause the movie because she dissolved into a fit of laughter for three whole minutes at this point. This film is worth watching just for the bad subs alone. Also her HAIR IS DOWN. SHE IS FREE AND LIBERATED.

She goes to Jason’s mom’s house for breakfast and practically faints at how much Jason’s mom looks like Lily, and his mom is like “Duh, I’m her sister.” Then she admits she doesn’t normally eat breakfast and Jason legit says “You do now” because independent have-it-all women like Emma just love it when men romantically tell them how to eat. But, like, he looks super hot drinking coffee and HIS HAIR (we spent a lot of time discussing his luscious hair) and his biceps are out again? So we don’t blame Emma for eating breakfast to impress Jason.

Emma is like “I’ve never seen so many flowers” and Jason is legit like “It’s a flower farm”. Jason talks about how successful the business is then his mom gives him his lunchbox before he goes to work, suddenly making him slightly less attractive. We have no idea how old he’s supposed to be. 18? 30? Either way he should be capable of making his own lunch. His mom talks about the problems with evil white developers wanting to build on some land that affects the water to the flower farm, and Emma asks them if they have a lawyer and obviously they can’t afford one (even though Jason explained how well the farm was doing literally a minute ago?) so Emma volunteers to be the White Saviour and help them, for free—this providing a reason for her to spend more time in Hawaii with Baby Jason.

They go to the home of the other owner of the farm, Julia, to get papers for Emma to look over and Jason’s mom (her name is Kehau, I should really use it more) says something vague about how Julia had a hard life and means well. Julia is like “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” and Jason’s mom is like “She’s going to help us!” and we assumed this was just a standard “we don’t want help from white people” thing, but later plot stuff reveals SECRET DRAMA. So this scene is more relevant than I thought at the time.

Emma checks out Jason in the side-mirror of Julia’s car as they drive somewhere for plot reasons.

Emma and Kehau talk about the ritual that Lily wanted her to complete, which is something about talking until each person forgives. Emma is confused by what this means, and Kehau tells her that Julia is Emma’s real mother, and says something about Emma’s father being a cold man. Emma is adamant that he wasn’t—like, seriously, you’re a grown woman and you still think your father is perfect? How is this possible? Isn’t everyone disillusioned about the awesomeness of their parents by the time they’re 12? Anyway, DRAMA TIME. Emma storms off in disbelief. @momoejaku​ proclaims that she knew something like this would happen, while I’m just wondering where Jason comes into the plot.

At this point, we’re still confused about whether Emma was raised to believe someone other than Julia was her mother, or if she was just told her mother was dead? This is genuinely never explained.

Emma calls her husband to say she’s coming home early. Jason shows up while Emma is stomping around the forest and she asks him if he knew about Julia being her mom and he’s like “small island, no secrets” SO DRINK UP GUYS. Apparently everyone knows.

Emma has a weird flashback dream about smashing some glass sculpture and Lily comforting her/disciplining her? I don’t know. We were confused by what this scene meant. @momoejaku​ had some theory about the significance of something smashing and Emma’s boundaries breaking down? Very analytical. I have an English degree and even I was lost for ideas. Emma calls her husband to stay she’s staying. She’s very indecisive. This appears to be Emma’s theme.

WET HAIR AND BICEPS. I mean, yeah, Jason is fishing and comforts Emma and is totally chilled and understanding about how she treated him like a dick the previous day when he had nothing to do with her issues. She says she feels betrayed to know that her mother was alive all these years (aha! So she was told her mom was dead. Finally, this is making more sense) and he’s like “You don’t have to deal with this right now, or tomorrow, just chill and spend time with the ocean” and she’s like “Is that the Hawaiian way?” and he’s like, “More like the Kala way” because that’s his name, in case you forgot. We just called him Jason for the entire film. Sorry if this review is confusing.

Julia attempts to talk to Emma and she’s like “I don’t want to know you, EVER” because apparently she’s 13 and just assuming that it’s all Julia’s fault, and that her rich, white, privileged father couldn’t possibly have had a part in this? We see that Julia hung on to trinkets from her time as Emma’s mom. Emma seems like a total dick.

The costume department obviously ran out of tank tops because Jason is wearing a shirt with sort-of sleeves! There’s banter and he makes a comment about her being a poor swimmer? I think this is relevant later? He checks her out, because apparently young, hot Hawaiian dudes have a thing for stuck-up middle-aged white women.

There’s some boring plot stuff that I’m not going to bother screenshotting. Eddie has to work late and trusts Jamie to look after things (ooh, I spy drama. We predicted she was going to throw a party) and Julia attempts to talk to Emma again and explain that her father’s parents put pressure on her. Emma is still a dick and won’t listen.

Emma runs some errand to do with the legal stuff and obviously Jason is at the bar next door because it’s a small island, y’all. She asks the bartender for a drink twice and he gets offended that she’s acting like a mainlander and wanting to rush stuff, just like the people trying to buy up that land. He’s touchy. She buys him a beer, so hey, feminism! Also Jason HAS A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD SON?? Like, what? He’s 24 in this role and could easily pass for younger. This makes literally no sense. Like, an eight year old son we could maybe buy.

My theory, having watched the film, is that they added in the sub-plot about his teenage son after they cast Jason in the role of Kala, and just didn’t have time to replace him with someone older? Or they just seriously struggled to find male Hawaiian actors of the right age? Because there’s no way he could pass for 30 or older. Or maybe they just wanted us to think everyone in Hawaii is youthful and never ages.

Back in Boston, Jamie has Scott over and her shirt and his jeans are undone SCANDAL. Dad freaks out, and she says he abuses her with his dislike of her hair and friends and he’s like “Well, get new ones!” So helpful, Eddie. Great parenting. Jason—who apparently got someone pregnant when he was 9—appears to be doing a better job than you. She shouts “This is who I am!” and seriously, she’s probably the most realistic character in this movie. Oh yeah, Jamie is also 15, like Billy, Jason’s son.

Eddie calls Emma because he can’t parent and Jamie is “her job”. He’s like “ZOMG, she could get pregnant” and neither of them seem to think they could just talk to their daughter about contraception? He’s annoyed that she won’t come home and she’s like, dude, just be a parent already.

Jason’s outfit is really well coordinate with these flowers. And that’s about all that’s interesting in this scene. He looks good in pink.

Jason takes Emma swimming underwater (so much for her not being a strong swimmer??) to some secret place inside some rocks and I imagine it would be romantic if there was any music?

He talks her through a panic attack in the secret blue place and then says “You look good wet” and they admire the pretty blue stuff and then makeout. 

MEANWHILE, back in Boston, Eddie and the kids are on their way to visit because a) they’re concerned about how she’s handling Lily’s death or b) he just really can’t parent. Probably b).

Romantic beach chat. Emma says “I was scared but I went in anyway” and @momoejaku​ was like “Wait, did they do more than kiss?” and I was like “Dude, that would be a terrible innuendo” and they chat about how Emma worries over everything. Jason is like “You could just not worry”. Helpful, dude.

He puts a flower in his hair and just looks really good in that pink shirt? Much romantic silentness. So much is unsaid. Like the fact that the romantic heroine of this film is married, and neither of us are entirely sure if Jason is aware of this? She barely mentions her husband and kids, ever.

Emma’s family shows up and she’s still wearing Jason’s flower, AWKWARD. She didn’t check her messages so didn’t realise they were coming. Jason’s mom is like “The kids can sleep in my house, I thought you could use some time alone with your hubby” which is basically code for “Stop seducing my son”. I’m fairly certain she called Eddie and told him to come. 

There’s an awkward family meal—well, for Emma, Jason seems super chilled, maybe he seduces middle-aged white tourists all the time—and Billy shows up! @momoejaku​ and I speculate over whether he’s going to hook up with Jamie. That would make things even more awks. Billy looks the same age as Jason so this is even more ridic than it was before. Julia shows up because the meal wasn’t weird enough.

Emma finds her husband and Jason chatting about going fishing on the porch, but when she and Eddie leave Jason looks a bit crushed, so maybe he’s not as chilled as he’s been acting. Poor Baby Jason. I still don’t know if he knew Emma was married until Eddie showed up?

Eddie attempts to make out with Emma on the walk back to Lily’s house and she brushes him off because she’s “tired”. GUILT. Seriously, I’m finding it really hard to root for a married heroine. This is just weird. I can’t tell if Jason is complicit and was doing this even though he knew Eddie existed, but he’s Jason and he looks so adorable so gets more sympathy. Fully aware that that’s problematic but, hey, we’re only watching this film because of him.

Jamie sneaks out to hang out with Billy, who she just met, and he randomly mentions that he got caught breaking into a house for fun? Then asks Jamie how long her parents have been divorced and she says they’re not, and he’s like “That’s not good, your mom has been hanging out with my dad” which makes me think either Jason divulges his affairs with married women to his son, or he really thought Emma was divorced?? Either way, Jamie knows now. Uh-oh.

There’s more mom drama, Julia explains the whole “white people had power and made me give you up” but Emma is still a dick. I’m not going to screenshot it because we were really pissed at her by this point.

Eddie runs into Jason’s mom the next day and asks if Emma’s back from her run, and she’s like “Oh, she didn’t go running, went into town with Kala” and he starts getting suspicious. He goes into town, where Jason is shouting “Son of a bitch!” because the bad guys have planning permission. Bad guys obviously show up and he gets into a fight and Emma stops him from properly fighting by, uh, grapping his pecs and biceps and stroking his face? @momoejaku​ is like, uh, that’s how I’d stop him from fighting too. Obviously her husband shows up right then.

She has a chat with her husband and admits that Jason made her feel like someone she’d lost, general midlife crisis stuff. He actually gives a lovely speech about all the reasons they fell in love and why they should stay married. In spite of his previous uselessness, I like him. Poor guy.

Convenient conversation (@momoejaku was literally like “Is that all he’s going to do? Tell her stuff about her mom?”) between Billy and Jamie where he reveals MORE stuff to Jamie, like how Julia is her grandmother. Also, it’s emphasised again how important Emma was to Lily and that Emma has been a bit of a dick as she hasn’t really kept in touch with Lily all these years. Ugh, she’s kind of the least likeable heroine ever. Jamie blows up at her mom for not telling her about Jamie, and for neglecting Lily. Honestly, she really does a good attempt at talking sense into her mom. I like her. Also her outfit rocks. She tells her mom that she knows about her affair with Jason and threatens to tell Eddie, and Emma storms out shouting “I was never good at being a mom anyway! Maybe it’s genetic? Is that what you want? Me gone?” It’s very dramatic and Jamie gets upset. I get it, parenting is hard. Maybe when I’m depressed and having a midlife crisis I’ll go to Hawaii and hook up with a hot dude to forget my troubles.

Emma goes swimming to the special blue place again in an attempt to hear from Lily, and I’m like, why would you go to the place you made out with Jason to hear from your nanny? Then she goes to the special prayer rock Jason showed her earlier and has a moment where she keeps looking at this one particular flower and finally hears from Lily.

Meanwhile, Jamie is sensible and goes to chat to Julia. That kid is awesome. She also reveals that Emma’s father never got married again after Julia left—thanks, kid, this info would have been useful earlier. It’s taken me a long time to figure out Emma’s family history.

Emma and Kehau have a confrontation where Emma apologises for keeping Lily away all these years and Kehau accuses her of neglecting Lily and gets super upset. Emma says the words that she heard at the prayer rock and everything is better, Kehau confirms that it must be from Lily. Hooray! Conflict resolved by mystical words from beyond the grave! Kehau apologises for making Emma believe that Lily didn’t come back because of her (for all of ten seconds? Come on, let the woman feel guilty for longer than that. She’s done some crappy stuff for the entirely of this film).

ZOMG ominous storm brewing, and the kids are going hunting for fossils? Whatever could happen? Will they a) find an ancient burial ground that makes the land into sacred land that can’t be built on by the bad guys or b) get lost in the storm forcing the families to rescue them and bond together? The possibilities!

You guys, marines are getting into the sacred cave. In case anyone was wondering, RAIN is actually getting in.

So obviously Billy decides to climb the WET WALL to get some candles (@momoejaku​ and I missed this detail earlier and spent the next fifteen minutes going “Why did he even climb that wall? And where did they get those candles?” We are kind of ridic) and falls off and knocks himself out so they’re stuck in the storm. So far, option b) is looking likely. Anyway, we actually didn’t see this coming, the fall came out of nowhere, and @momoejaku​ made the most ridic facial expressions and kind of looked like a perplexed meerkat at this point in the movie. It was adorbs. There maaaaaay be screenshots ;)

Parents are predictably freaking out that the kids aren’t back yet. Eddie is pissed that Kehau is making him wait for Jason to show up to help him navigate the mountain and basically acts like a whiny child. Jason finally shows up looking surprisingly hot in a yellow raincoat (Eddie looks like a dork in his) and is annoyed at Eddie forgetting that he has a kid who is missing too. They go off in Jason’s truck to rescue the kids, and Emma stays home. At this point, we’re confused about the turn of events. Shouldn’t this be about Eddie and Emma bonding over rescuing the kids together, and Emma realising how much she loves her family? Not Eddie and Jason bonding? What are they going to do, decide to have an open relationship where Emma gets to be with both men? Run off without her? Seriously, I have no idea what the best conclusion to this film would be.

Meanwhile, Jamie leaves Neil alone with Billy (surrounded by candles like some sort of human sacrifice, but hey, he did almost die trying to get them) so she can run for help. Julia turns up at Kehau’s house and decides to take matters into her own hands, so they head out in search of the kids. Girl power! Oh wait, this film is about Emma and her mom bonding, not which guy she gets. I keep getting lost

Eddie falls down a hill because he’s a dork, Jason still looks studly and offers him a hand to help him up because he’s the better person, and also still manages to look awesome in all that rain?

All the rain in the spooky cave reveals some skulls which freaks out Neil but hey, we called it, it’s an ancient burial ground! And a chance for all the families to bond! Awesome. Jamie (or is it Janie? I can’t tell) is amazing as always and finds Julia and Emma.

Jason looks super concerned when he hears that his son is hurt (ugh, my ovaries) and then when he’d told he’s “in a cave, up there” he’s like “I know where!” So apparently there’s only one cave up this mountain? Cool, let’s roll with it. Jamie starts sobbing and her mom is like “It’s okay baby, I love you” so yay, they fixed that family drama. Only 9284 more to deal with! Jason adorably jogs off like some baby deer. With Eddie, obvs, but who cares about him?

They find the boys! Jason as the anguished, caring father is the best thing ever. He definitely gets into the role in Frontier. He needs to do more stuff where he gets to be fatherly and cause women’s ovaries to explode all over the world.

Aaaaaaand skip to Lily’s funeral. Oh yeah, that’s still happening. Kehau looks beautiful, there’s some lovely singing and dancing. Billy has a plaster on his head but otherwise looks fine, in spite of the fact that he was knocked unconscious for how long? Who knows? Jason looks awesome in pink flowers, obvs.

Jamie randomly gets up and decides to join in with the dancing? Because it wouldn’t be a Hawaiian funeral if the white chick’s daughter didn’t make it all about her. Emma cries and I guess it’s okay because Jamie’s getting in touch with her roots and they’re all actually Hawaiian, but dude, seriously. This felt super uncomfortable. Emma and Eddie look at each other and kiss and hold hands super sweetly but I may have shouted “Don’t make out with your husband in front of Jason Momoa! That’s just disrespectful! Also, you know, it’s a funeral.” @momoejaku​ totally agreed with me. 

Also, the funeral was all Christian and stuff? Kind of unexpected.

Julia and Emma finally have a proper heart to heart. I really don’t care at this point. This has dragged on for ages and Emma has been super childish. She’s a really difficult character to like or root for. They plan to stay in touch, so yay, I guess?

Emma and Jason conveniently have a private moment on the land that is no longer going to be developed because of the remains they found in that cave, also conveniently. Jason is super sad that she’s leaving and all adorable and like “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, we belong together” which really makes me think that he’s like 22 and not the father to a teenager with tons of life experience? She’s like “You helped me to see things differently but I belong with my family, that’s who I am” which basically means “I used you to get through my midlife crisis but now you’re no longer useful”. Like, the things they say are so different? Emma’s is all about how he helped her, whereas his are all about them as a couple and his strong feelings for her. I really feel sorry for him. He clearly cares a lot more for her than he does for him.

He legit clutches his hands to his heart and says “You feel that? That’s you. You will always be a part of me. That’s who I am” which totally makes him look like the better person. They kiss, but she never says he’ll always be a part of her, so, yeah. Jason wins. She totally used him and what they had was just novelty escapism that she’s going to forget. Also what’s going to happen if she comes home to visit her mom again and runs into him? Awks. At this point, @momoejaku​ shouted “No, you’ll find a beautiful Hawaiin wife and forget her immediately!” She’s totally not going to go and write Kala fanfiction now ;)

Emma says that phrase her mom said to her at the prayer rock and he smiles and looks heartbroken and says “You’re welcome” and AWW JASON. Don’t use him like that! Poor guy. He was way more invested in this than she was. Jerk.

The women get together for this silent scene (or maybe we just didn’t get the music, again?) where they spill Lily’s ashes in some water and then a rainbow appears in the sky and I could screenshot this all but we were just too sad on Jason’s behalf at this point to care about the other plots.  Anyway, that was it. Then the credits roll and we find out that the entire thing was filmed in Australia and we were just BETRAYED? They went to all that effort to show us how beautiful Hawaii is, but nope, it was all A LIE. It was Australia. We feel just like Jason—cheated out of something we trusted. Or maybe that’s how Eddie felt. But let’s be honest, we’re just here for Jason, so we’re on his side.

Anyway, that’s it. I don’t know if you’d really want to watch this movie unless you’re a total Jason Momoa fangirl like @momoejaku​ and I unashamedly are, but hey, it would make a good drinking game. Suggestions:

* Drink any time someone says “small island, no secrets”

* Drink any time Jamie is rebellious

* Drink any time Neil mentions a dorky fact

* Drink any time Jason checks out Emma

* Drink any time Emma checks out Jason

* Drink any time Emma is a dick to Julia

* Drink any time anyone mentions the land they’re trying to save

* Drink any time Jason looks brooding/moody/emotional

* Drink any time Eddie is annoying/whiny/useless

* Drink any time Emma is in her pyjamas or swimsuit

* Drink any time Jason shows off his biceps. Twice if they’re wet.

...it’s probably best just to pick three of these? Otherwise you might get alcohol poisoning.

Personally, I watched this film entirely sober because I drank one glass of Pimms and one glass of red wine last night after spending three hours in the sun with no hat and woke up with a hangover, because I’m now the parent of a preschooler and just can’t handle my alcohol. So prep in advance, guys. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Go to bed sober in order to prepare for some epic drinking and ogling of wet biceps.

[redandpointy]

because it amuses me

here is like half the next chapter of the Alexstrasza fic

Alexstrasza's flight took her over the rest of the continent. She could see evidence of the Sha infestation in the land and plants as she flew. It could be tasted in the very air in some places. Finally she came to the edge of the continent and flew northwards over choppy seas and growing rain. She considered flying above the clouds but there was something cleansing about the rain hitting her scales and the storms indicated her target was close by.

The island appeared as the mists and rain cleared for a moment, the winds allowing her to see. Dark and ominous, the trees and rocks loomed out of the choppy sea, ugly and unwelcoming. She flew lower and saw the glowing sigil of an eye with three marks under it; the sigil of the Kirin Tor. The beacon appeared harsh rather than welcoming in the stark surroundings. She'd come upon the alliance side of the island it seemed. Flying lower, the sea crashing on the rocks was loud enough to rival the occasional claps of thunder. Alexstrasza alighted on land, paws squishing unpleasantly on the soggy ground. She could head to the Kirin Tor settlement or she could press further inland. The spires of a massive palace rose through the trees and shrouding rain, now imposing from this perspective. Highkeeper Ra had been imprisoned under the palace. She lifted into the rain and winds again, flying low over the trees.

There were mogu as well as trolls here, she was surprised to see. The latter were mounted on great saurian beasts and walked patrols despite the rain. Not wishing to become a target, she sped onwards, hoping to avoid notice by passing through swiftly.

She found a spot in a courtyard and transformed into her human form, still wearing the clothing she'd worn as part of the archeological team in Uldum. The rain and mist began to immediately plaster her hair and clothing to her body. She picked at her shirt with an expression of distaste but remained as she was; something the size of a human would attract less notice. Hopefully she would be leaving the rain soon.

The evidence of battle was all over the courtyard in craters and divots in the ground, broken arrows and shell casings. The largest of which was the impressively sized carcass of some three-horned saurian beast. It showed signs of having been brought down by a combination of blade, arrow and spellfire. Parts of the body had been cut apart with cleaner slices so she guessed some sort of research team had come by to take samples. It wasn't decaying and closer inspection revealed that a preservation spell had been set some time ago and had yet to expire. The rain appeared to be keeping everyone away for the moment, but the spell had been maintained so someone was close.

She continued into the palace finding further evidence of battle in more recent scorch marks and blasted masonry in the halls and additional courtyards. How recent the battles had been was muddled; any clear indications had been washed away by the rains that covered the island. She paused at the edge of a broken bridge. The masonry shards were still quite sharp and a replacement bridge of great bamboo poles lashed together had been set up as a replacement crossing. Touching the makeshift bridge she judged they were recently felled trees. Alexstrasza looked across the expanse. While there was no one in sight on the far side she did see the a flicker of flame deeper in the palace. She crossed the bridge quickly.

On the other side were the remains of a small camp. The flames she'd seen were from a brazer which had been knocked over, spilling it's contents on the floor. Away from the constant rain, the flames continued to burn in a heap of fuel. The table and chairs had been knocked over, one of the seats broken. Every container had been opened and upended, the contents strewn about. Kneeling, Alexstrasza looked at the papers left. The writing was in Common. The second page made her double take - she knew this letter. She'd seen it before. Brann Bronzebeard had written to Dr. Harrison Jones informing him of Lady Vermillion's possible visit. She looked around, alarmed. This letter was only a few days old but given the fire this place had not been abandoned long. There were no bodies she was relieved to find. Sharp eyes spotted a dark patch against the fallen table. She crouched beside that and sniffed. Blood. Lifting the table she found more. Alexstrasza let the table down and continued to search.

The blood on the table had been human but there was another scent in the area. Creeping beyond the pool of light created by the brazier coals she found a much larger pool of blood and a long streak leading away and further into the palace. Mogu blood and mogu footprints dragging something heavy - possibly their fallen brethren or perhaps an unconscious human with a taste for flirting with danger and ladies alike.

Alexstrasza looked up abruptly as she thought she heard something in the distance. Thunder rumbled, concealing anything she might hear. Setting her jaw and rolling her shoulders back, she stalked further into the palace of the Thunder King, looking for her missing archaeologists

She decided to avoid patrols she came across. Parties of Mogu and Zandalari trolls, well armed and alert, were looking for someone; these weren't security patrols. She waited for a trio of mogu soldiers and their animated construct to pass before she slipped from her latest hiding place. There were more the further in she went and it was slowing her search considerably. At least she wasn't being rained on. Alexstrasza turned a corner and was grabbed from behind.

She cried out in surprise and a hand covered her mouth. Serious Tauren eyes bore into hers and a woman's voice said "shh" very quietly. Alexstrasza relaxed and was silent. The tauren, a female with snow-white fur looked over her shoulder then pulled Alex further into the shadows.

The ground shook and Alexstrasza caught the scent of devilsaur. The creature wasn't as large as some specimens she had seen but the halls of Lei Shen's palace we large enough the beast could walk through unhindered. It wore battle barding and light armor and on its back were a pair of Zandalari trolls. The group waited in silence as the patrol passed by and the massive footsteps no longer shook the ground. The tauren's hand left Alexstrasza's mouth.

"Thank you," she said to the woman. The tauren inclined her head slightly.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" asked an imperious voice.

Alexstrasza turned to the speaker. He was a tall blood elf with short dark hair and a suit which had once been fancy and white and which was now neither of those things. He stood beside a small group. One was a nervous looking blood elf many decades younger than the speaker with bright blonde hair so pale it was nearly white. Another was an orc with a bandaged arm stained red with blood. He held a mogu halberd in a way which indicated he knew how to use it. There was another blood elf man with dirty, mussed hair which might have been golden at one point. he wore robes as mussed and dirty as his hair. The final member of the party was a dark-haired blood elf female who looked enough like the obvious leader she was a relation of some sort. A quick sniff and their scents confirmed they were close blood relations.

"Belloc Brightblade I presume?" she asked.

Belloc frowned. "Did you escape?"

"No, I came looking for Dr. Jones."

"He's dead, come on," he said, gesturing for the group to follow. The blonde in robes did immediately. As he turned Alexstrasza saw the side of his head was matted with blood but he moved well and did not appear concussed.

Alexstrasza blinked and stared. Dead?

"Father you know he isn't!" the woman who would only be Cymre Brightblade, hissed as she scrambled after him. The Tauren tugged her and the nervous elf along. The huge orc fell into guard the rear, lips curled up in a sneer as his eyes searched for threats.

"What happened?" Alexstrasza asked as she followed. Belloc ignored her but Cymre answered.

"We were attacked. Mogu and Zandalari together. We heard them talking about taking a group of humans and dwarves. We managed to fight them off and escape."

"Why are they here?" Alexstrasza asked.

"Shh!" Belloc hissed.

The party fell silent for a moment but then Cymre scowled at her father and bent her head close to Alexstrasza. "They're doing something in one of the inner courtyards. Some sort of ritual. Jones and his people tried to get us to come help stop it but <i>someone</i> didn't want to help!" she hissed and jerked her chin at her father. Belloc reacted with a quick stiffening of his shoulders.

"Do you believe they are alive?"

"I do," Cymre said.

"Shh!" the orc hissed and this time everyone remained silent. They ducked into an alcove and the elf in robes murmured a small spell. They waited as many feet marched by with heavy steps.

Mogu constructs, each one moving with precision and a disturbing lack of life and liveliness. The constructs of stone were interspersed every so often with living mogu. In the center of the procession were captives. First Alexstrasza saw a limp dwarf woman slumped at the bottom of a tall cell meant for a pandaren. Next was a dwarf male who'd been gagged and bound. He still kicked at the bars of his prison and his muffled cursing was just audible over the marching. Next was Dr. Harrison Jones, also bound and gagged. He swayed on his feet as the cart carrying his prison rolled over the stone floor. The side of his head was covered in dried blood, his hat was missing and his hair stuck up at odd angles where it had dried. The last member of the procession was a gnome male and he was by far the worst of the group. Alexs could feel his life flickering as he lay on the bottom of his too-large cage.

"See!" Cymre hissed to her father when the procession had passed.

"Too late for him now. Let's get going. Edias, can you make a portal to the sunreaver encampment? Our guest can come and rot in whatever passes for a brig there," Belloc said.

"Father!" Cymre hissed.

"Fine, we can leave the human here."

<i>"Father!</i>

"We do not even know who this human is," the orc said from the rear, his voice was low and soft and surprising as he looked quite fierce. "While the situation in orgrimmar is in flux it might be best if we treated her well, Belloc. Best not to aggravate things until we know the end result and she is likely one of Bronzebeard's people. Brann's been fair with us."

Alexstrasza felt a stab of guilt for thinking him merely the muscle in this group when the orc was clearly well spoken as well. It was entirely likely he was also a member of the reliquary but even so she could not have made assumptions.

"Who are you?" Cymre asked.

"Lady Alexis Vermillion," she said, giving them the name Jones and his people knew.

Cymre reached out and fetched her father a blow against his side with the back of her hand. "She's one of Bronzebeard's. She's been working with Edneth."

Belloc's scowl deepened. "Another matter in which we will have words."

Pfffa!" Cymre scoffed. "Edneth wasn't safe in Orgrimmar and you know it."

"So you sent him to <i>Jones</i>"

"You and he don't like one another but Jones isn't a monster." Cymre turned her bright green eyes back to Alexstrasza. "He is okay isn't he?"

"Last I saw him, yes," Alexstrasza confirmed. "He's quite a brilliant archeologist. Just needs to remember to do simple things like eat and sleep sometimes. That was one of my duties. I rather liked him and I was glad he was able to find sanctuary where he could continue to learn." She gives Cymre a small smile.

The tauren woman huffed a laugh and Cymre snickerd.

"That is Edneth." She looked at her father. "See?"

Belloc scowled.

Cymre was undeterred. "Father, wouldn't it just rankle Jones more if you were the one to ride in an rescue him from certain doom?"

"And likely sacrifice," the nervous looking elf said. He'd tucked himself beside the massive orc and poke from over his shoulder.

Belloc's scowl deepened even further as thought. "Fine," he said. "We'll go free the Alliance. Suppose it's fair since Bronzebeard's treated one of our own well."

Cymre smiled and made a smug little noise then followed after the procession without further sound. Her father rolled his eyes and followed with the rest of the group.

Following the marching Mogu was a simple matter as the living ones were making a large ruckus ahead. Then orc looked around then gestured to the side, revealing stairs behind a false wall. They were narrow and likely intended for servants of the Mogu emperor to use and not be seen. They exited on a narrow walkway halfway up in a vast room. On the ground were assembled piles of treasure and artifacts. The archeologists muttered over the fortune of history and wealth being laid out by enslaved saurok. Alexstrasza was focused on the men and women being held in cages.

"Well I don't see a good way of doing anything," Bello said, muttering.

"Saurok are disobedient, chaotic and greedy," the tauren woman mused, casting a cool blue gaze over the group.

"Ideas, Grimtotem?"

The tauren woman flicked an ear. "Possibly. Incite the slaves to riot. The masters will have to handle them. It leaves us free to act."

"How do we do that?"

"We do have a mage," she said, eyeing the bloodied Edias.

"I can teleport short distances and I can be invisible for brief periods but I am nearing the end of my resources," Edias said as he too scanned the ground.

"I know some nature magics," Alexstrasza offered. "I might be able to influence one or two. If they are as greedy, disobedient and chaotic you say that might be enough to incite the rest."  If it looked serious for Jones and his people she could transform and destroy everything in the room, but there was potential to harm her allies and even if the Saurok were opponents here, she was loathe to simple murder slaves.

"Can you take someone down there with you?" Cymre asked the mage.

"Yes," Edias said in the same moment Belloc said "No!"

"A few of us should go down," Alexstrasza said. One for each captive. I will need to be closer for my magic to work," she said. The latter wasn't necessarily true, but then she was just a human and most humans lacked in nature magics at all.

"Two dwarves, Jones and a gnome. The gnome doesn't look like he's doing well," the nervous blood elf said.

Alexstrasza focused on the final cage and reached out...

"Oh," she said, her heart breaking a little. "He is gone."

"He's not breathing," the tauren agreed. "One less to save."

Belloc growled. "Fine. The Lady will distract them. Edias, Ro'gahri and I will free the captives."

"But-"

"Cymre," Belloc said, fixing her with a hard stare, "You, Dagrha and Aefias are going to make sure we have an escape route clear once the chaos breaks out. Understood?"

Cymre scowled. "Fine."

The party went back down and Alexstrasza closed her eyes and focused. "I'll need a moment. When I say go, hurry."

"Just do whatever it is," Belloc said, his voice a growl.

She no longer had her mantle but Alexstrasza had learned much in her long lifetime. She was certain she could influence a few more primal creatures. They were all males and it was far from their usual breeding season but she could see it wouldn't take much to send them in a frenzy - acquire and conquer to impress the females elsewhere. Not perhaps the nicest thing but once she and her companions were gone a few might even have a pleasant evening with their mates. And while she was at it, perhaps she could influence the Mogu overseers to be elsewhere as well. Alexstrasza reached out to the lives in the room, each one a little flame which burned with vitality and-

"Wait!" she hissed.

"What?"

"There are more coming," she said. There was indeed a large party of Mogu coming in their direction from the opposite side, thankfully. "Opposite door," she informed the others.

They retreated back further out of sight and watched from the shadows as another, smaller, troupe of Mogu deposited additional bound and gagged members of the Explorer's league on the ground. In the end there were twelve, mostly dwarves and humans but Alexstrasza could see at least two night elves and one pandaren in dark colors with a red sash.

"Damn," Belloc said, echoed by Cymre.

"Well. New plan," Belloc said. "Lady Vermillion will incite the Saurok then we'll free one each and then the alliance is on their own. Go for the ones which look most lively."

Cymre grinned and pulled out her knives. Her father look far less pleased. "Jones is going to owe me so much," he muttered.

Alexstrasza began trying to reach the Mogu - wasn't it time to be away? To be outside? To feel the winds and rain in their manes? The Mogu began to shift restlessly. She pushed at them as hard as she could and they began to leave in twos and threes, speaking in loud, excited voices, full of cheer and confidence. Good. She couldn't get all of them but once most of them were gone she found the Saurok. Here she grinned mischievously and pushed at the Sarok hard. She used her magic stimulate their hormonal state and thus their sex drives. The change ripped across the room as Saurok males began to eye one another more as threats or rivals...and in a few cases potential mates. Correcting the lagging sex drives of injured, old or ailing dragons was something she had been doing for millenia and she had provided these same skills to other races on many occasions.

Cymre made a sputtering laugh as she watched two younger males, with already raging hormones, dropped what they were doing and begin to rut in the center of the room.

"What." Belloc said, his voice flat.

"Let her work," Dagrah Grimtotem said with amusement equal to Cymre's.

The Mogu overseers noticed and tried to pull the two youngsters off one another which started a brawl in the center of the room. And still Alexstrasza pushed her magic. A huge male displayed his frill and... other parts, and launched himself at a particularly shiny vase. He grabbed it and a handful of jewels and sprinted away warbling some sort of mating call. She tracked his progress for a moment and it seemed he was heading someplace with speed and determination - possibly where an existing or potential mate was. His theft set off the others who began to steal, bellow and warble. They flexed their frills and made loud hissing noises as they dropped to all fours and did pushup motions. Some strutted in circles their chests puffed, frills extended. A few fought over the same trinkets. The sound was immediate and cacophonous.

"Go!" Alexstrasza said as she maintained the spell.

The others left under the cover of the mage's invisibility and crossed the room to the captives, only then revealing themselves. Belloc struck off the lock from Harrison Jones' cage ripped away his bindings, smirked and did the same to the dwarf in the next cage over. Then he sprinted back to where Alexstrasza, Cymre and escape awaited him. The others followed suit while the Alliance lost no time in breaking free the other captives.

"Go!" Belloc ordered as he ran past, the others on his heels.

Alexstrasza left her spell working but stopped the active cast - the effects would last for some time yet. She thought perhaps she might stay with Jones, but then she was already being pulled down the hall by Cymre. She would have to meet up with Jones and the rest later.

"Hey! Stop dem!" shouted a voice to their side.

There was a great deal of cursing as the party swerved to avoid the sudden appearance of Zandalari trolls. They had to adjust course a few times to avoid Mogue and trolls alike.

"We're being herded!" Cymre suddenly realized aloud.

"What?" Her father asked, angry and surprised.

"We're being-" her words were cut off into a surprised yelp as a devilsaur jumped in front of them. It roared and the trolls on the beast's back let out war cries of their own.

There was a flash of light and someone screamed. Alexstrasza felt a life end somewhere to her side, as brief as a candle being snuffed, their light winking out. She had a moment to think that it was good whoever had died hadn't suffered before her world went black.

<hr>

[tinycutefauna]

We Got Together Because Our Owls Did

You can also read this on Ao3 here

Rating: G

Fandom: Haikyuu

Pairing: Bokuto Koutarou/Akaashi Keiji

Characters: Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji, Others Mentioned

Word Count: 1049

Summary: Akaashi's owl goes missing. In his search to find her, he comes across another Hogwarts student, one that strangely resembles an owl.

A/N: I don't know if the Easter break exists in London or not but anyway. ‘Shou’ means ‘to fly, to soar’ and Hitomi is a name given to girls with especially beautiful eyes. (At least that's what I found on Google) Also, I've swapped their names around for easier reading so their last names are their first ones.

Oneshot

It had happened in his fifth year at Hogwarts. Just before the Easter break, Akaashi’s owl disappeared. Hitomi was a small brown barn owl and the sweetest owl Akaashi had ever met. She was a swift flier, always returning to him in less than a week whenever he sent mail through her. But she had been missing for almost a month now and he hadn't seen even a feather of her. This was most unusual and quite worrying. However, Akaashi, being a Ravenclaw, soon realised that, because it was spring, it may be that Hitomi was actually with a male owl. If this had happened, then leaving her alone would be the better thing to do. But the small possibility that she could be hurt worried the boy enough that Akaashi looked up locating spells in the library and used one to find where Hitomi was. What he found was not so shocking as who he met and what that led to.

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Akaashi had decided to use the locating spell on the first day of break as the train would leave on the second day-giving him one free day to search for Hitomi. He left his common room at five am, late enough for the sun to start rising and early enough that if she was fine, Hitomi would have returned to where she was staying. The earliness of the hour meant that the cold nipped at his nose and tried to find him under his warm clothing. He was glad he’d remembered to grab his coat before coming outside. Especially as this search for Hitomi was taking longer than expected, causing him to start worrying again. After some time, the spell took him to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, and after looking around to see if any of the teachers or any of the students were around to ensure he wasn't caught, he cautiously entered the forest. The stories of everything the forest contained were frightening but not enough to dishearten him in his search for Hitomi. Hitomi was his best friend, save only Kenma. The only other people he was acquainted with were Suga and Oikawa from his dormitory and he vaguely knew others from around the school, like the orange-head and his scowly friend, a shortie with a yellow streak in his hair that liked to follow around this giant, someone with turnip-shaped hair who was always with his tired-looking friend and a guy who always had an annoying grin and constant bedhead who he would see talking to Kenma sometimes. He did wonder who the latter was; Kenma wasn't exactly the most social of people while the bedhead guy looked exactly that.

Akaashi was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even realise he’d reached Hitomi until his owl was in front of him. With a white horned owl. And eggs. Well, that explained things. It was a beautiful image in the peace of the early morning until the silence was broken by a shout. “SHOOOOOOU!!” An excited owl? person? ran towards them. “HEY HEY HEYYY! LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU!” The white horned owl (presumably Shou) start squawking loudly as well and, flapping madly, he flew straight at what Akaashi now realised was a student (Hufflepuff, judging by the open yellow tie streaming behind the boy) who had his blusish white-streaked hair spiked to look a lot like his owl. “IT’S A MOUSE! KUROO’S CAT CAUGHT IT! ISN’T IT COOL??!!!” Akaashi got the feeling that this shouting was this person’s normal volume of communication. When the boy turned to look at him however, he froze and stopped shouting, looking at Akaashi in complete shock. His surprise was almost comical. Akaashi felt a light breeze near his right shoulder and the feeling of birds’ feet on his shoulder as Hitomi landed on his shoulder, her familiar scent surrounding him. Apparently this was enough to pull the boy out of his reverie. “YOU MUST BE HER LOOK-AFTERER! He grinned, as his arms flailed about wildly. Akashi stifled a laugh as the dead mouse the boy had been holding flew out of his hand and Shou swiftly gflew to catch it in his beak before returning to the boy. He seemed to be asking if it was alright if he ate it. “OF COURSE YOU CAN HAVE IT! I BROUGHT IT HERE FOR YOU!!!"

Akashi was getting tired of having to call this person ‘the boy’ in his head. “Excuse me, but what is your name?” he asked softly. The boy became quiet again, this time looking at him in awe. “Your voice is so pretty…” Akashi arched an eyebrow. That wasn't exactly what he had asked. The boy seemed to realise this at the same time. He smiled at Akashi cheerfully. “My name is Bokuto Koutarou.” Akashi nodded his head. “I am Akashi Keiji.” The boy, Bokuto-san, Akaashi corrected himself in his mind, stopped to stare at him again. “You've got such a pretty name too!” Akashi had to smile at that. Bokuto-san, though a bit loud, seemed very sweet. “Will you go out with me?” Akaashi choked on air. “What?!” That had been...unexpected to say the least. Bokuto-san grinned backed unrepentantly. “You're pretty, your voice is pretty, your owl is pretty and your owl likes mine. Won't you go out with me?” Akaashi felt dazed. He had never been asked out before like this though he had received many confessions in his time. But though he had turned down all of them, he felt like he couldn't do the same with Bokuto-san. He found himself nodding hesitantly at the boy in front of him. Bokuto-san’s goregous gold eyes grew impossibly wide. “AHHH!!!! YOU SAID YES! THIS IS SO AWESOME!! WAIT ‘TIL I TELL KUROO! HEY HEY HEY, BEST THING EVER!!!” Akaashi was unable to prepare himself for having Bokuto-san throw himself at him. But as they fell down, he could only laugh. Bokuto-san really was very sweet. A flurry of movement caught his eye and he saw Bokuto-san’s owl, Shou, flap happily around Hitomi. She gave Akaashi a look of understanding and moved along the branch she was perched upon so Shou could sit next to her. Well, it seemed that both of them would return home these holidays with a boyfriend.