#but anyways at least it will make me do a social media detox lol

[burninlovebutler]

Just an Intern // Part 4.1

pairing: austin x intern lol | word count: 4.7k-ish?

summary: the consequences of austin’s behavior catches up to him amidst battling the paranoia of an impending media shit storm. when a familiar stagehand nuance instigates a conflict, austin helps intern escape.

warnings/notes: usual angst, oral f receiving, jealousy, dom!intern / sub!austin ?? if you squint?, orgasm denial, protective!austin, physical altercation, 18+ mdni

notes: austin's POV was suggested / requested - i prefer/am better at writing in first person so, i really enjoyed doing this. writing from male character's perspective is something i love doing so - i apologize if it's not your forte. y/n is being addressed as Intern bc i want to make her an oc but am afraid of the commitment so lol i hope you give it a chance anyway ♡

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | see masterlist for all other fics ♡

vibes: just an intern playlist ⛓️

This girl is a gun, before you know it, it’s done

And you’ll be wishing that you crossed your fingers

- Girl is a Gun - Halsey -

-AUSTIN-

I closed Intern’s hotel room door behind me after our argument. I headed towards the front desk, scuffing my feet across the glossy wood floor, my hand gripping the handles of my duffle bag. The hallways of the lodge were always so vacant despite being overly booked. The silence only amplified the cycling thoughts in my head. I didn’t know what the fuck I was thinking – talking to her like that, talking about her like that. I didn’t know what comes over me when I was around her.

But I felt it that first day in the trailer, this insatiable feeling of hatred. Everything about her annoyed the fuck out of me, and yet all my body wants to do is get on my knees and bury my tongue in her pussy. I shook my head of the thought. That’s what I got for being on a social media detox. I thought of hopping on Hinge or whatever app just to find something to fuck. But decided against it – besides, we were stuffed like abominable snowmen in that fucking wooden cage. Another idea of finding one of the extras to hook up with lit up like a glass bulb in my head, but it quickly dimmed. Extras were too easy, and desperation seeped through their pores like dirty nicotine. There was no challenge, no fun. And so, it destined to be a long, lonely night.

Regardless of the confinement and inconvenience, this little unplanned vacation brought a much-needed gift – no service. At least very little and I didn’t bother paying for wi-fi. I needed a break from my managers, and the unforeseen weather anomaly gave me an excuse to ignore them completely. If I ignored the rumors that were festering like an open wound on Twitter or the looming tension of the next big scandal, maybe it would all go away.

I’d always been quite good at that – ignoring and avoiding anything that bothered me.

-

Thankfully the extra room was still available and once inside I swung my leather duffle bag onto a blue fabric-covered wingback chair. I let out a sigh and pressed myself against the wooden dresser that was identical to the one in the room I shared with Intern. I both felt and heard a loud hunger pain rumble in my stomach and that’s when I remembered that the last thing I had eaten was those fries from the night before. I tugged at my bottom lip with my teeth and tapped my fingertips along the dresser assessing my options. The memory of the heaping bowl of fries – drenched in salt and grease – looped in my brain. Layered atop that memory came a sense of guilt, I couldn’t tell if it was about the meal or my actions in the lounge bar. Either way it evoked the same response.

Another loud hunger growl ripped through me and I rolled my eyes at the dramatics of my empty stomach. I pushed myself off the wooden furniture and went to the glass-door mini fridge. I tugged it open and steal a branded water, cracking it open and taking a sip. The cold water immediately soothed the length of my esophagus and pooled satisfaction in my belly.

-4 Days Later-

When the snow melted, it took the peace of my cellular detox with it. Being snowed in on a mountain top was no longer a suitable excuse for neglecting the incessant phone calls and Twitter news updates from my management team. For those couple days in that stupid little lodge, I was able to just fucking breathe for the first time in months.

Not surprisingly, word got to the higher ups about the fight with her, they even heard about the small fight with Landon. I was reprimanded three separate times because of the events. If it weren’t for my integral role in the film’s publicity I would’ve surely been dropped. My career was hanging by a thread as it was, I needed to get my shit together. If anything got leaked it would collapse the shit storm that my team was so precariously balancing for me.

The three of us, Landon, Intern and I were all temporarily separated to different areas on set for the past few days. They finally brought on another makeup artist; a flamboyant man named Nick. Nick took over my makeup in the time we were separated. While he seemed to be relatively the same skill level as Intern, he was placed under her, making her his direct manager. I suppose he was the new “Intern” now, but she’d always be that for me – whatever that meant.

I regretted everything with her. Everything. The good and the bad. I didn’t know why I was so awful to her, only that she infuriated me so much.

And yet, I found myself noticing her absence on my side of the set. I noticed the lack of fluttery annoyance she usually brought and the quippy banter we’d exchange. I even noticed the quiet that filled the days without our incessantly heated back-and-forth. I noticed everything about her being gone. Perhaps noticed wasn’t the right word.

Maybe I missed the noise.

That morning we had new girls on set for some bar scenes and they needed more intricate makeup so, Intern was back in my domain. There was some unsettling feeling that came with her proximity, a confusion perhaps.

There were three new extras for this scene, a girl-next-door brunette, a freckly redhead and a busty blonde. On any other day, the blonde would be wrapped around my finger but today she was about as enticing as a plain bagel. That didn’t mean stop her though.

The petite blonde sporting frayed jean shorts and a plain white v-neck eyed me, while she stood next to the other extras and Intern. Her sauntered over to where I was leaned on my bike only a few feet from them. I squinted the sun out of my eye to look up at her, “Can I help you?” I asked, sounding more bothered than welcoming.

“Sure ya can darlin’” Her pink filled lips curled to a flirtatious smirk with a poorly mimicked southern accent.  “You can take me for a ride.”

I offered a small scoff, “Didn’t realize I looked like a ferris wheel.” The remark made her light brows scrunch in a confused way, like when a mall-santa claus is rude. I felt a pair of eyes on me instantly, but when I followed the feeling I was disappointed by the origin. Tom. He shot a warning glare reminding me that I needed to behave to prevent further repercussions. It annoyed me but it was a necessary reminder and I quickly turned on my press charm. I gave her a forced smile, “Sorry, I’ve just had a hard morning.” At least I was honest.

“It’s okay I forgive ya, my name’s Chloe.” The edges of her glossy lips turned upwards and stepped a foot at each side of my crossed ones. “Maybe I could make your day better.” Her suggestive voice quiet but not quite enough. My gaze wandered to Intern who’s face visibly twisted at the overheard remark but focusing on adding eyeshadow to the redhead’s eyes.

“Hey,” Snapped the blonde extra snapping fingers in front of my face bring my attention back to her, “I just gave you a pretty good offer and you can’t even look at me?”

Annoyance bubbled in me that I had swallow down.

Bitch I wouldn’t touch you with a 10-foot pole

-Is what I wanted to say but instead, “Sorry like I said, I had a shit morning.”

“Incredible, “ She sneered and propped her hands on her hips, “You’re exactly the monster the media portrays you to be.”

The last thing I needed was this dumb blonde who had only known me all of 5 seconds to be setting me off at 7 in the fucking morning. My jaw clenched holding back what I wanted to say but I knew my transparent poker face was giving away just how pissed I was getting. “Listen bi-“ I caught myself, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. “Chloe, you don’t know me at all, and I don’t think you should make assumptions of someone you barely know.” Attempting my best at keeping my temper tame.

An infuriatingly taunting cackle slipped her lips, “You know I didn’t believe the accusations, but I bet you really did everything that Madi-”

I shot up so fast I nearly knocked over my bike, “You don’t get to come on my set and talk to me like that, about shit you have no fucking idea about.” The hiss came out more apprehensive than I would’ve liked. I didn’t dare look over at Intern, I just prayed she wasn’t paying attention. I knew what she thought of me, she could think whatever she wanted. But her hearing any of the latest rumors swirling about me, would somehow be worse than anything I could’ve done to her.

She laughed at the fear in my tone, “Your set? You’re lucky you even landed this role with everything-“

“Who the fuck are you? You’re far too cocky for an extra, know your fucking place.” I growled, shoving past her and headed into the saloon set where we’d be filming.

I curled fingers so tightly into my palms as I heard steps following me, a vein pulsed in my forehead ready to burst open. I quickly pivoted back around, “What the fuck do y-” But instead of Chloe I found Intern, “Oh, hi.” My tone much softer, “What do you, um, what do you want?”

“I need to do your makeup.” She stated firmly while keeping her eyes focused on my chest, not looking at me.

“Right.” I nodded and followed her when she turned and walked towards her tented makeup station. I pulled myself onto the wood and fabric chair as she mixed up some foundation onto a metal palette. Then, she took a smooth flat brush and began painting the product down my face.

“So,” I hesitated as an awkward fog suspended in the air, “How’ve you been?”

She clenched her jaw and stayed silent.

“Isn’t it a little ridiculous that they separated us on set over a little rumor-”

“I see you found a new victim.” She sliced flatly, still not looking at me.

“Chloe?” I scoffed and her eyes snapped at me with a I’m-not-stupid glare. I sighed, I knew she wasn’t buying it, “Chloe? Are you kidding me?” I asked, then remembered how we got here in the first place.

She just raised her eyebrows in a ‘that’s not totally unbelievable’ kind of way.

I looked up at the tent as she patted makeup below my eyes with a small round brush. “If you think my taste is so low that I’d touch Chloe – you must not think very highly of yourself.”

She pressed her lips together before speaking again, “I just didn’t think you had standards, that’s all.” Her tone was light & bubbly, but the intention clearly wasn’t.

Anger began to pipe hot steam into my chest for the second time that early morning. I swore she tried to provoke me on purpose. My hands curled around the thick wooden arm rests and my nails dug into the grain. “And to think I almost missed you.” Her now powdered swiping motions halted as soon as she processed my words, her hand just barely trembling and her eyes locked on the area she was working. I couldn’t tell if I was mortified or glad that the words had left my mouth. Either way, it felt freeing, like I had finally told some secret I’d been hiding.

She continued finishing the work on my face in silence and stepped back. She set the black barreled brush down and kept her eyes low as she went to speak. “You’re done. Get out of my chair.”

-

I never thought pretending to seduce a pretty girl on screen would be as difficult as it was in my scene with Chloe. Regardless I felt Intern’s glare on me the entire time. My ego wanted to think it was jealousy but after what I pulled at the ski lodge and just before in the makeup chair, I knew it definitely wasn’t jealousy. Why the fuck would she be jealous after everything I’d done. Regardless, her stare burned like hot coals into my skin.

Directors cut for a 30 and I snatched a water bottle dodging every cast or crew member to find my bike. In the months of filming the vehicle had become some sort of comfort for me. Maybe it was me tapping into my character or the fact that it was the only thing that was constant, the only thing I could control.

I propped myself against the Harley unscrewing the cap of the bottle with a crack and taking a much-needed gulp. Before I could escape, Intern was making a b-line for me and I braced myself for whatever acid she was about to spew at me. But she walked past me, knocking my shoulder back and in a curt, but stern, tone, “I need to put something on your face.” Heading towards a trailer.

I let out a sigh, knowing whatever she was going to say would be even worse than I could imagine. I deserved it of course, but that didn’t make it any easier. I followed her to the trailer, pausing before the metallic door and taking a deep inhale before tugging it open. “We have no fight scenes Intern,” I exhaled clicking the door in place behind me, “What could you possibly need to put on my face?”

She straightened up, crossed her arms and puffed her chest out a bit appearing more intimidating, though there wasn’t much threatening about her. “Me.” She stated seriously, though her attempt at being menacing was almost comical.

“What?” I slightly stuttered not fully processing her words.

She shifted from one foot to the other before regaining her anger-fueled confidence. “I want to be on your face, I want to cash in my apology.” She blurted out quickly.

“I mean- I’m not saying no but just…why?” I questioned; I didn’t expect her to ever cash it in, nonetheless so soon.

“You and Chloe are fucking annoying and I just-“ Her was flustered, a light pink tinging her cheeks. Her fist balled at her side. “I don’t know, I just want my apology.” Her tone laced with false conviction. “I want my apology.”

“Okay…” I stated timidly, eyeing her wearily, “Are you sure?”

“Shut the fuck up and eat me out.” She sniped back, catching me off guard.

“Well I-“ Instinctively going to argue then realizing I had absolutely no problem with her request so, I shrugged, “Okay.” I looked her over, taking her in fully. I was trying to strategize how I was going to fulfil her request. She wore one of her flowy dresses, the ones that drive me insane – this one was powder blue with little white flowers. The dress hugged every part of her I enjoyed the most – it was tight around her waist and ruched around her full chest. The rest flowed down around her hips and thighs. I said a silent thank you to the universe for making it a warmer day. My gaze must’ve lingered on her too long because she took matters into her own hands.

“Jesus Fucking Christ.” She groaned impatiently, taking my face in her hands and practically smashing our lips together.

I let the inherent magnetism between us take over and took her face in my hands connecting our lips. She froze beneath my touch but quickly gave in, reciprocating the passionate kiss. Having her lips on mine again felt like a sip of cold water after a long drought – like an addict getting their first fix after sobriety. Her hands tangled into my perfectly styled hair for whatever scene I was meant to do next. Her tongue asked for entrance and I met hers voraciously. My hands trailed down to her sides and shoved her into the nearest wall. “Fuck.” I breathed out with my forehead pressed against hers. “I’m sorry.”

Her eyes fluttered up at me with flushed cheeks. “Make me believe it.”

My fingertips were on fire every place they met her skin, and I could’ve sworn I had become a vampire from how every part of me was screaming to sink my teeth into her neck. But the sugar high I was getting from her lips won the battle. Pulling away for a fleeting second, “I’m sorry.” I said against her lips.

Almost completely in sync, she wrapped her arms around my neck as I picked her up effortlessly pulling her legs around my hips. I carried her over to one of the empty makeup vanities and sat her on the edge – all while our lips were still locked with our tongues dancing in time. I drew away again, cupping her cheeks in my rugged hands, gazing down at her lust-dazed eyes, “I’m sorry.”

There was a glimmer in her eyes that made me think maybe she believed that one. “Beg for it.” She demanded.

My hands squeezed her thighs all the way up to her hips, pulling her dress up with it. I swiftly grasped her hips and drew her to the very edge of the table. I began peppering kisses down her neck, she tilted her head to the side for more access. “I’m sorry.” I mumbled against the skin below her ear and she let out a small whine.

“Keep going.” She breathed out, her body melting and reacting to my touch.

I pulled her skin into a suck, just soft enough to not leave a mark, “I’m sorry.”

“More.”

“I’m sorry.” Working my way down till I reached her collar bones. My hands trailed up her sides, lingering on the curves I liked most before they molded around her breasts. She let out another small moan as my thumbs traced over her peaked nipples through the sheer dress.

Her breath hitched as my lips savored every inch of her skin down her chest, “More.”

I kneeled in front of her, her legs easily parted for me and already had a damp spot on her baby pink panties. I trailed soft, but hungry, kisses up her thigh, accompanying each one with an apology. I hooked my index fingers at the waist band and slowly pulled down her panties down her legs, tossing them only a few feet from us.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled against her lips and I could feel her writhing beneath my mouth. I drew my tongue slowly up her folds, tasting the juices I thought I’d never taste again. I let out a grown from her flavor and it gained a hand tangled in my hair, rougher than normal.

I swirled my tongue over her clit and she let out a surprised moan. “Fuck, Austin.” She struggled to get out. Her response only fueled my work on her. My tongue swirled around her swollen nub and my hand traveled up her thigh. I teased her at her entrance with my middle and ring finger before slowly sliding them in. She let out a slow whine as they slid inside her and began pumping into her sweet spot. In a rhythmic manner, my fingers and tongue danced where she needed me.

“You taste so fucking good.” I hummed against her heat as her juices filled my mouth and ran down my fingers. She tasted sweet, sweet like honey and I ate her like I had an insatiable sweet tooth.

My work on her distracted me from how hard I was, painfully restrained in my jeans. My free hand went to unzip them to fuck myself while I devoured her, but she tugged at my hair. “No.” She growled. “This an apology is to me, and you don’t deserve to feel good.”

This was new for me. I’d never had a woman talk like to me during sex before. But there was something so fucking sexy about it and it only made my cock throb more for her.

It seemed her little shift into dominance turned her on just as much as it did me, her moans increasing in volume and her hand gripping my hair-spray drenched hair. I knew she was close with the way her walls clenched around my fingers and her legs trembled around my head. I gazed up at her as she began coming undone – I always thought women were their most beautiful in the throughs of their orgasm, but this was different. The way she glowed in her climax made me want to keep making her look like that. She was angelic and her moans were harmonies – the sort of songs you just want to replay over and over, practically getting high off of them.

Sometimes I would get this twist in my stomach when I’m in business meetings where I know the executives are swindling me, or when I’m in interviews and I can tell they’re going to butcher my words for a scandal. In college I’d get it when I was at parties that would get raided or in high school when intimidating seniors would corner me. That looming churn bloomed in my stomach whenever I was in danger – and I could feel it when I looked at her just then.

Once she was finally spent, I hesitantly pulled myself up from the floor and wiped the excess juices from my mouth. I watched her, disheveled with her chest heaving, still coming down from the high. “So, am I forgiven?”

Her hooded eyes weakly reached mine. I expected there to be more light in them than before, I expected them to be softer and less angry. She pulled herself off the table and smoothed out her dress before looking me dead in the eyes, “No. Not even close.” She took a step closer to me. “But it’s definitely a start.” She spoke with a tone that felt like I was just the gum under her shoe.

She glared at me as if she was disgusted with how I made her feel and tugging the hefty trailer door open and disappearing behind it. It was only then that I realized how utterly foolish it was to think that eating her cunt would erase all the damage I’d done.

I recognized that warning sign in my stomach when I looked at her.

She was a warning I needed to head.

-3 Days Later-

We were stationed along a long dirt road getting various riding and chase scenes. Bikes lined the side of the sandy road having to cut scenes constantly due to the still wet mud from last night’s unprecedented rain gunking up our tires and covering the ever-important sponsored logos on the bikes. The excessive wind whipping sand against us was also causing interruptions as Intern had to keep cleaning us up and reapplying. Between the shitty weather, the constant interruptions, and our fucking directors still hounding my ass harder since the ski lodge debacles, the day was not going well, and my patience was wearing thin.

I stood just beside my bike, trying to just breathe through the aggravation from the last cut as Intern used a brush to flick off the sand that had built up on my face. She used her pinky to dust off some extra then returned to the brush. Even though the brush was probably the softest thing I’d ever felt, it still mimicked steel wool compared to her touch. Out of everything that happened between us, and out of every memory that would make itself known to me, her touch was the one that lingered the longest. Sure, I thought about that night in the hotel where my cock was buried inside her as she rode me, or when I chained her to the trailer door… I thought about them a lot. But the ones that flickered constantly in my brain like flashing clicks of paparazzi cameras, was us in the hot tub or on the floor of that disgusting restaurant we broke into. My body seemed to remember her warmth on me when she was clinging onto me in the tub or when she held my face as I kissed her on the floor.

I’d never had memories or fantasies rile me up just as much as sexual ones. But my hands burned at the thought of touching her again, they ached just to be on her. I felt it when she was near me, when she touched me. It was magnetic. My cock craved her, of course, but my hands did too – it was something so foreign to me. And I fucking hated it.

It couldn’t happen again. I couldn’t let this happen again. Especially not after the warning siren that blared in the pit of my stomach every time she looked at me. One bitch was already on track to nearly ruin my career, I didn’t need another one. And from our track record, Intern wasn’t looking like the safest option anyway – already causing me fuck up in front of our cast and crew.

She was a warning I needed to head

I just needed to make it through the holidays and the rest of shooting, and I’d be done. I could forget all about her.

I kept my eyes on the floating clouds above us, just letting my thoughts flow in my head when I heard my bike engine rev and felt a splash of thick mud coat the side of my body. The sharp squeal from Intern told me she’d been hit too. “What the fuck!” Looking over at a stagehand, Ryan, the same one from the truth or dare debacle, being the only evidence of a culprit with hands on the vehicle.

He let out a cocky laugh, “Sorry man, was just tryin’ to clean up the bike.”

“You ruined my brushes!” Exclaimed Intern as she looked over the leather brush roll that thankfully covered all the products inside the cosmetic case. While the products inside were safe, her entire arsenal of tools were covered in mud.

This was the tipping point of the day, everything that had pissed me off culminated into the rage that coursed through me. The fact that it was Ryan and that I was now coated in mud, but most of all it was the mud on Intern’s brushes. I made it into Ryan’s face faster than I thought and grabbed him by his shirt. The threats from the directors and management were now faint memories as I held his shirt wrapped around my wrist. “What the fuck were you thinking.” I growled in his face.

“Austin! Let him go!” Shouted one of the crew members but I was too blinded with anger to decipher who.

“Who fucking told you you could touch my bike?” My fist tightening around the dark material.

Yet Ryan looked unbothered, “Sorry man, was just tryna clean it up.” He repeated though his voice was laced in competitive snide.

“Austin!” An even more aggressive shout, “Take a thirty!”

“I can’t work on anything more!” Perked up Intern shouting across set, her forced innocent voice didn’t fool me, she was livid. “My brushes are fu- ruined!”

“Fine. All three of you, call it a day. Go home.” Followed by a ‘Jesus fucking Christ’ muttered beneath the director’s tone.

I released Ryan’s shirt and shoved him back, “Fine, I’m fucking out of here.” Rounding the bike, throwing my leg over it and kicking off the stand.

Before I even moved, I glanced over at Intern looking absolutely defeated and furious, picking through her now destroyed tools.

“You comin’?” I asked over the engine rumbling, and she snapped her head up. Her frustrated watery eyes swirled with conflict; I knew she didn’t want to come with me, but I could get her out of there. She looked around weighing her options and ultimately her anger won. Her gaze landed on Nick, who gave her a little nod saying ‘I got this, go ahead’.

She quickly paced over to me, “Get me the fuck out of here.” She snapped in a whisper, and swung her leg over behind me, wrapping both arms around my torso.

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If you'd like to be tagged in Part 4.2 + further parts, please comment 🩶

thank you all SO much for all the love and support on this story, it has truly been overwhelming. i know my numbers aren't as big as others but they're big to me - appreciate EVERY comment, message, ask, etc. even if i’m not the best at replying 😭 i love you guys so much - i never expected this fic to get that much attention so again, thank you xx

if you enjoyed this story/my writing pls consider giving my main fic, Forever Winter, a read - if you like angsty sad smutty you’ll probably like it lol

also pls consider giving this a like, comment or reblog ♡

[skajlaw]

"ITTO'S COMING HOME" MISSION PLAN

okay okay the next banners are out and I gotta share my plan here cuz I don't want to annoy my friends with this again and nobody is seeing it here anyways jdkdnsm

my pity is 22, I have 30 pulls saved and I'll probably buy 40 pulls from the store. that means I have guaranteed 5* but I don't have guaranteed Itto (sadly, I'm scared) SO!

1) Manifesting early Itto and then try the weapon banner from the pulls I will have left. I don't really need his claymore since I have a few good ones I think are even good for him but it's HIS WEAPON CMON PEOPLE and I can try. The Harp won't be a lost either, cuz I'm trying to build DPS Sara so it would be perfect for her *chef kisses*. Bad thing would be not getting either one of them cuz weapon banner is a scam (and therefore I'm not even gonna choose the path) - by bad thing I mean I wasted my primos I could save for Ayato or Ganyu

2) losing early 50/50 means I'll of course continue pulling until I'm squeezed dry of my primos (and not doing the weapon banner at all) and hope for the best (5* back to back!!)

2) the worse scenario is to lose the 50/50 with just a few pulls left. I'll have to sell my organs to buy more primos

I'm telling you, this himbo is coming home either he wants to or not.

Also I'm so disappointed by the 4*... only cuz I don't need either of them except Gorou (ofc) but more Xiangling cons for future?? idk I have too much pyro characters build and I don't like her playstyle.

being higher AR I don't really have much options to farm for primos. I can farm like 5 more pulls maybe but that's it. 🤧

ALSO ALSO Fischl's bow is back! I can try getting that for her on my second acc jfkdnf

[planetdemon]

I just wanted to be a swan

pairing: bang chan x reader

genre: angst, fluff, but mostly angst

warnings: low self-esteem, body hate/dislike, eating disorders, swearing, food, insecurities, arguing DONT READ IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH IT!

wc: 2.003

note: so this scenario has been going through my head for quite a while now, and I tried writing it by myself lol. Hope it's good ;) I've also sent a request to @channienet about the same topic, so make sure to check her interpretation out as well! enjoy!

summary: Due to Chan's heavy working schedule, spending time alone was a thing you couldn't quite befriend with, especially after you've noticed some changes you have gone through. There is a to change it, but it isn't quite... let's say healthy. How will Chan react, after he finds out? Will he even care? (dude I'm shit at writing summary lol)

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Taking a bath was normally something that should be considered relaxing or calming. You've always enjoyed letting the hot water surround your body whilst taking all the dirt and negativity off that you have collected during stressful days at work.

But lately, taking a bath wasn't as enjoyable anymore as it once was. Chris has been working a lot lately, due to the kingdom stage and their nearing comeback. He has been spending more and more time at the company, working on producing new tracks for him and the kids, often staying at the dorms because they were closer to the studio than the apartment you shared. So you were left alone, by yourself.

Even though you wished he would be by your side while you were falling asleep, you couldn't be mad at him. You knew what his work meant to that boy and you would never tell him to stop doing what he loves just so you could spend some time together.

But being alone also meant that you had to kill the boredom somehow and, thanks to Felix's Brownie and Cookie recipes, you had the perfect thing to do in the meantime. Baking and eating delicious desserts.

You were just stepping out of the bathtub, grabbing the towel you had prepared, and drying yourself with it. Once your body was half-dried, you turned around to hang the towel back at the hanger, so it could dry properly.

And at that moment, you knew, you've fucked up. You couldn't avoid looking at your wet, naked body in the hot, steamy mirror near the hangers.

You always hated looking at it, but thanks to the sweets you had been eating lately, looking at yourself only made you feel sicker than it ever did.

You couldn't tear your gaze off the excess of flesh around your tummy and thighs and the stretch marks, that decored your boobs only seemed to scream "Look at me!". You slowly turned around and saw the tiger stripes creeping up your bum and the undersides of your arms.

'Fucking disgusting', that little voice in your head sneered.

'How could I let this come this far?', you thought. At this point, you were somehow happy Chris wasn't here, knowing he would be disgusted with how you've changed.

You've always felt a bit insecure by his side, knowing you could catch up with neither his attractiveness nor his muscular godlike body. But seeing yourself like this destroyed every little self-esteem you had left in your cells.

-

It has been nearly two months since 'the incident' in the bathroom and you couldn't shake that feeling of disgusts off. Not even for one second.

You only wanted to try a one-week detox diet that was blowing up all over social media, hoping you could lose a little bit of weight, so you would be back to normal. But seeing the numbers on the scale dropping so unbelievably quickly only made you realize that you could look even better than you thought you could.

You kept on following the diet and restricting everything that wasn't included, not noticing that restricting also damaged your mind.

One time, Han and Felix asked you if you wanted to have lunch with them and the others, but fear crept up you back as soon as you thought about the food they would have ordered, knowing that you would only gain weight again if you didn't follow the rules.

So you stayed home, keeping yourself isolated from your friends and most importantly, Chan.

You were lying on my bed, scrolling through Tumblr when Chris' Caller ID showed up and your phone started to ring. You sighed lowly, not wanting to talk to him.

Over the past few months, you stopped showing up at the studio, being afraid the boys would notice the changes your body went through, thanks to the diet. You were happy about it, knowing that you were losing weight, but you haven't reached my goal. You were afraid, they would judge you the way you did when you looked at yourself.

"Chris?"

"y/n? Han just told me that you weren't coming over. Are you okay? Y-" Chris's muffled voice appeared and you felt instant regret deep in your guts, knowing how much fun you guys had when you spent time together back in the days.

"Yeah, I'm okay Channie, don't worry. I just feel a little sleepy. I'll come next time. Promise" You tried your best to sound optimistic or at least not too sad, hoping Chris would believe your lie. "Okay," he mumbled, "I love you, baby girl".

-

You knew you were in big troubled the second Chris opened the fridge, seeing no food in there.

He randomly decided to stay over the weekend, saying that he missed you. You weren't ready for this, knowing that you couldn't hide the signs of the 'passion' you had developed in time.

"Why is there no food?" You fumbled with the arms of Chris sweater you were wearing while looking at the ground. "I've forgotten to go grocery shopping" You answered.

"But there is nothing in there, y/n. Nothing" He walked over and took hold of your cold hands while looking you straight in the eyes.

"Why is there no food?" Chris asked again.

"I just told you I forgot to go grocery shopping, Chan. Relax" You snapped back, getting anxious about the fact that he could notice something.

You were nearing your goal, even though you knew that you could never be satisfied with how you looked. He couldn't just come over and ruin all the progress you've made after being not here for so long. He doesn't have the right to do this.

"Don't fuck around, y/n. You always have at least some butter in your house. Where is the butter? Where is Ramen? You must have some food here!"

Your body started to shake as you heard his voice rise, keeping your gaze low, not daring to look him in the eyes right now. He was right.

You always had something at home, so you could quickly cook something when you were hungry. But you didn't saw a point in keeping food at home if you wouldn't eat it anyway. It would just rot.

"Y/n look at me" he whispered, after realizing that you were trembling. Chris gently grabbed your chin to make you look up at him. You were expecting to see anger, but the only thing you saw in his brown orbs was sadness.

You started to tear up after you noticed it, knowing that he put one and one together. You missing out on lunch with the boys, you not showing up at the studio to bring him food and spend with him there, listening to his tracks, you not having any food at home. It was obvious, but you still hoped he wouldn't notice.

Chris slowly took you in his arms, noticing how your figure felt smaller and bonier than before. It made him sick, knowing what you did to yourself. 'Why would my girl do something like this?' he thought 'how could my little princess torture herself this much?' But he couldn't find a 'because'.

In his eyes, you were the best thing that happened to him. You were the prettiest girl on earth. Warm tears were running down his pale cheeks, dropping to the floor.

He couldn't stop blaming himself for what you did. Maybe if he would have been there, he could have stopped you. Maybe if-

"Channie?" You quietly asked, looking up at his tear-stained cheeks. "Channie why are you crying? We can go to the store and grab something if you want. You don't-"

"Why have you been doing this to yourself, y/n?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why haven't you been eating"

Well, shit.

"What are you talking about, Channie?"

"Don't fucking lie to me, it's too obvious for you to do so. Why haven't you been eating?"

"I... I, I'm pressured Chan" You answered, knowing that he wouldn't believe you if you would tell him otherwise. Telling him the truth was the only option at this point, even though you didn't want to.

"Pressured?"

"Yes"

"Princess, I don't understand what you mean by that"

You shook your head and let go of him, before walking over to the couch and sitting down with a low sigh. "Maybe you shouldn't understand," I said.

"Jesus, y/n" I heard him mutter under his breath. He walked over and sat on the floor, in front of you, looking at you with a scared expression.

"Please tell me what's in that pretty little head of yours. I can see that you have lost weight, but I don't understand why. I mean, you are the prettiest human I have ever seen in my whole life, why would you do something like that?"

"Why do you even care? It's not like you here anyway" you simply said, grabbing your phone, trying to ignore him.

After he noticed your intentions, he quickly took your phone out of your hands, placing it on the coffee table behind him.

"Hey! Give me my phone back, you dump a-"

"Fucking stop it, y/n. Stop ignoring me. I care for you because I love you! You are my everything and I know I haven't been home lately, but at least I tried making time for you and inviting you to the studio", he said, "but you never came! Don't act like it's only my fault we haven't seen each other."

You looked at him with wide eyes, shaking your head. He was right, it was also your fault. And you hated the fact that he was right. "I-"

"Please y/n, please stop turning away from me and closing up. I-I know it's not easy to open up, but I'm here for you. I'll always be."

"Well, I... I couldn't, no, I can't feel happy when I look like this, Channie. I mean, look at you, look at your perfect body and your perfect personality and your perfect everything! I don't fit in. I don't fit in, because I am the ugly duck surrounded by beautiful swans. I just... wanted to be a beautiful swan, Channie."

That's it. You've made it. You've told him what was going through your mind all the time.

He slowly pulled you off the couch, into his lap. He could feel your seat humps against his thighs, how bony and strong they were. Chris shook his head in disbelieve, another wave of sadness crushing over him.

"You are perfect, baby girl. You are perfect in every single way. You always were the most beautiful swan I have ever seen in my entire life. I love everything about you, y/n. I love how your thighs wiggle whenever you run towards me when we meet, I love how curves look in that dress I brought you a year ago, I love how your stretch marks are decorating your body like silverish paint. I don't want you to change for me, because you are perfect the way you are. Jesus, even Hyunjin said you are even prettier than himself, and that means a lot. Please don't hurt yourself like this, princess. You are destroying yourself"

He took hold of your hands and kissed your palm.

"I promise I'll stop working so much, so I can spend more time with my beautiful girlfriend, but please... stop hurting yourself" he whispered, searching for any signs of discomfort in your eyes. But you just set in his lap and listened to him.

"Hyunjin thinks I'm prettier than him?" you asked awkwardly.

Chris chuckled and nodded "Is this the only thing that got stuck in your pretty little head?" He asked.

You smiled a bit, leaning your forehead against his while closing your eyes. "I'll try to get better, Chris" you whispered.

It wouldn't be an easy journey going back to 'normal. Once the hole is there, digging is difficult. But it is possible, especially if someones helping you.

[lightpossession]

my annual digital cleanup attempt ❤️

back at it again at trying to not let tech corporations control my life... my challenge for all of you is to pick at least 2 or 3 of these things and do them now, if you’re on tumblr right now you have the time and probably the ability to do some of these. I love you!!

things I’ve done this past year or earlier and recommend for everyone else:

✅ web browsers: stop using Chrome!! I’ve been using Brave for a couple years and I love it; it’s incredibly easy to switch from Chrome and copy over your history and favourites, and all Chrome extensions will work on Brave. I recently also downloaded the mobile app. I know real ones use Firefox though ✅ search engines: stop using Google!! I use Duckduckgo on my laptop and on my phone and I’m happy with it. I still use Google Maps so if someone has a good alternative do tell! ✅ buy a VPN: I went with Surfshark with a discount code from Reddit. NordVPN is also very highly recommended. here’s Reddit’s breakdown if you want to see more options and discount codes ✅ email accounts: make a non-gmail account. I have a protonmail account but I think tutanota might actually be a better choice. ✅ mailing lists: unsubscribe from mailing lists you don’t want to be on. this doesn’t need to be a big project, but can be a consistent commitment to hit “unsubscribe” when you receive an email you didn’t want. it literally takes one or two clicks, you can do it ❤️ ✅ social media: set some limits. I’ve set limits on my phone for 20 minutes of Twitter, 10 of Instagram, and 10 of Tumblr, which is more than I usually spend per day anyway, but I want to avoid those days when I spend... 40 minutes... on Instagram 😬I don’t even enjoy Instagram unless it’s cat pictures.

things I still need to do:

✅ VPN: set up my VPN on my phone and on my family’s devices ✅ email accounts: switch over some of my gmail account’s functions (probably starting with online banking, my phone bill and such, listservs, social media accounts, and accounts with my medical practitioners; I might make a new separate account for promotional emails). I have my protonmail account but I don’t use it as of yet lol. ⬜️ t******ing: relearn how to t*rr*** 😇it’s been a long time!! I have qB*t******* downloaded 🥰 ✅ old emails: as usual, put some effort into deleting old emails, especially promo emails. remember this isn’t just for like, your own wellness, all those emails have a carbon footprint too! my strategy is to just search for a sender (e.g. “sephora” or “goodreads”) and delete everything that isn’t a recent receipt. ⬜️ delete Facebook: this is my big goal for 2022. my account is from 2008 and is the only place where a lot of my old photos are stored, so I’m starting by backing all of those up (learn how here). I think my intention will be to delete my account by my birthday in July. ⬜️ social media: I’m honestly committing to “Tweetless Tuesday 2022” (yes I coined this myself.) which means I’m logging off of Twitter every Tuesday, all year! Might take this a step further and also not use Instagram or Tumblr on Tuesdays either. #detox #cleanse

this is a decent amount of stuff for me to do this year but I will also heed any recommendations if you think I’m missing something important or useful!!

[firewoodfigs]

some ~ highlights ~ for the past week:

- the start of the week was a pretty purgatorial experience, because i was rushing to clear all my work before i went on break 😫 i don’t think i got much sleep then lol i was literally just living off adrenaline and caffeine and stress — all of which combined did make me 52 times more efficient than i normally am LOL. i managed to clear everything in the end, so yay!!!

- also managed to make up for the sleep deprivation, which was very much needed :)) as tswift once said “sleep in half the day // just for old time’s sake” <3 i’ve been sleeping most of the pasts few days away and going on a bit of a social media detox because my eyes are really feeling the strain from work so 🥺 thankful for a brEAK!!!

- my bf and i drove over to a friend’s to drop off some snacks last Sunday night, and she gave me a bottle of kombucha that she made herself (along with an assortment of snacks to tide us through the late nights) 🥺 i’m not usually a fan of kombucha because the ones i’d had tastes like yakult gone bad, but this one was really good!!!! hats off to my friend for being a pro in the kitchen 🤩

- after months of scrimping and saving, I also finally got the guitar of my dreams 🥺🥺🥺 my fingers are all calluses now but it was well worth it. I learnt all too well, treacherous and crazier this week, and I’m so excited to learn more of tswift’s songs and put my guitar (a Taylor!!!) to good use!!! My bf is probably sick of listening to tswift’s Red album on loop by now (but also he’s secretly the biggest closet fan ever LMAO)

- I’ve also been writing a lot more songs recently, but I’ve been having trouble nailing down the bridges (which are always the trickiest part for me). That being said, I’m otw to my first vocal lesson now, and the coach I was talking to was nice enough to offer to help me out with songwriting too, so :’) fingers crossed it all goes well!! I’m still a nervous wreck when it comes to singing in front of people so it will probably take me at least fifteen minutes to regulate my breathing LMAO 🤠

- another Best BuyTM of 2021 is this hand soap that’s been all over tiktok LOL. I found the cheaper version of it and my bf and I have been washing our hands like excited children discovering bubbles for the first time ever since we got it. Fun times!!!

- I’ve been reading Tove Ditlevsen’s The Copenhagen Trilogy, and it is quickly becoming one of my favourite reads of 2021. Everything about it is stunning and I absolutely adore her prose!!! I strongly recommend this to everyone — I’m only halfway through but her exploration of girlhood and adolescence is so compelling yet relatable :’) This is an excerpt from part i, Childhood:

- friday was girls’ night out (or in, since we went to a friend’s place) and i was so happy to see my friends again 🥺 i’m always so thankful for friendships that have withstood time and change and it was just nice to hear about all that’s going on in everyone’s lives (in person). i also got to meet my friend’s dog again and am thoroughly convinced that she is an angel in disguise. like,

literally HAVE ALL MY UWUS!!! my friends have taken to calling me the weakest link bcs i simply cannot resist her puppy eyes and have to give her a treat every time. they’re not wrong 🤠

- i am really grateful that i got to spend time this weekend with the loml without any interruptions from work bcs we’re both on break now!! this is the first time in a long while since we’ve had a weekend to ourselves. we didn’t do much apart from eating and sleeping and watching black widow, but it was nice all the same! i just enjoy spending time with him haha and seeing him stress-free and well-rested fills me with inexplicable joy :’) we’re going to try our hand at painting today and manifest our non-existent artistic sides, which will be a fun time 😆

- SPEAKING OF ART, @nightofnyx8 made an incredible cover of “old time lovers” and everyone should go listen to it now because her voice is absolutely STUNNING!!! did i tear up at a bus stop while listening to it? absolutely not. did i spend the weekend screaming and yeeting into my pillow??? ofc not!!! (spoiler: im a terrible liar) ANYWAY PLS LISTEN TO IT I PROMISE U WILL NOT REGRET IT!!!! I AM MOT OVER IT STILL AND WILL NEVER BE AND ILYSM RACHEL U TALENTED UNICORN <3 (I’ll link it in a separate post so u can reblog this work of art🥰)

- i’m editing ch 2 of the college au now too so!!Looking forward to posting it tomorrow night :)

[deepseacurrent]

Thoughts during my Social Media Detox (slight TW: mental health)

I live a lonely, and currently boring life, and I’m somewhat ok with that, minus some things that i’ll explain:

I currently work and have been working in a factory for almost 4 years now, with the exception of working at a sister company of mine for 2 weeks, soon after a minor surgery last year. Since I came back, working in this field has not been enjoyable or feel like it’s even been worth it (but I currently have a couple opportunities for new work, and i have the experience now, so it’s going ok).

I’ve also been doing therapy for about 2 months now, which is going good, absolutely no complaints other than coming to terms with some things that aren’t nearly as bad as i thought (hence the medication i was taking thinking my ADHD was so much worse than it was). Since coming off the meds, it’s been a train wreck for my mind and body. I’m still recovering physically, Basically was taking an upper when it should’ve been a downer, gave me shakes and increased my heart rate too much, I honestly couldn’t hold a thought for shit cause my mind was going a mile a minute. At the moment, my mind is still a little fuzzy, and i have the faintest quiver, but I’ll be alright.

Through the detox specifically, it allowed me to just be completely alone with my thoughts in my spare time, and for the first time ever, (and I’ve had 1 other detox since creating this blog), I haven’t had any dark thoughts about my past or wanting to end my life, my only problem is that I just feel alone, and that I’m in a rut i need to get myself out of, which I’m sure I’ll manage. It helped me realize some bad habits i need to get out of as well, and that ultimately, I need a fucking hobby, or to be at least doing something that isnt working out, work, glued to my phone, repeat.

Anyways, I’m back, and I feel better than before, more mindful and aware of my days and what exactly is going on in my life, and I’m glad that things are starting to pick up. There’s a new app coming out fairly soon called Byte, which is Vine 2.0. I used to have Vine, with a big following, but wasn’t doing something I liked; Ultimately, I would love to be an online personality and possibly make a job out of it (which is why i created RIOTT). Hopefully I can do something good with that when it comes out lol.

Alright, I think I’ve ranted enough. I hope everyone’s doing well, Keep it real !

P.S.: If anyone lives in or near Toronto, feel free to hit me up.

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

The “Other Epidemics” that Affect Everyone Else (not what you might expect)

Disclaimer: The following are just the author’s personal opinions and do not reflect the ideas and beliefs of the spiritual community, or of the society at large. Inasmuch as the effects of the COVID-19 are deemed as dangerous by the WHO, this post exists to remind people that even if the pandemic never occurred, there are still other epidemics that are still proliferating elsewhere, and that these only seem to be intensified due to extended quarantine periods. Lastly, I post this out of love, not because I want to shame everybody. I am just another person, who may be walking the path of personal development yet also has a shameless Fujoshi side every now and then. I am not immune to these epidemics myself, but at least I have this much guts to put this out there. I don’t think this information has been out, even within the spiritual community so I’m putting this here, regardless if some influencer already beat me to it.

Abstract: It appears that despite the pandemic occuring right now (as of writing, September 4, 2020), there are other epidemics that have been lying under the surface for even longer periods that haven’t been addressed, and yet are still wreaking havoc among people. These are, but not limited to: LONELINESS, ISOLATION, DISCONNECTION, and DISTRACTION. What are the implications of such unaddressed epidemics, especially in terms of the ascension process? Not much, except that as long as the people living in this planet keeps looking outside of themselves to fill in the void inside, then no matter how much the world burns, this emptiness cannot be filled. But this also creates great opportunities for those who wish to get more out of life, albeit at the cost of being scorned by society. But then again, in the greater scheme of things, which one should be deemed more important: what society says, or what the heart and soul truly believes in?

Introduction

(Honestly this whole thing is just my opinion, a combination of what I have been experiencing first-hand, as well as what I have been observing so far, on the world that I have been looking at through other people’s eyes. Also how people have been acting ever since the “pandemic” started became amplified, and even though I don’t want to call it as it is, well for someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass like me, I’d call a spade a SPADE.)

The title isn’t exactly a click-bait, but if I simply put NO SIMP SEPTEMBER in there, my blog might get blocked by people who go tl;dr because apparently that’s an actual thing? Tsk tsk tsk

OK, so here’s the gist, if you’re still reading this...

A lot of hate has been given to simping lately, and even though I live under a rock, I know what simping means, and no, it doesn’t even mean Squirrels in my Pants-ing (one of Candace’s best hits lolol). To put it in bluntly, it’s the act of uhm, giving, because apparently, people throw money at anything, and lately ANYONE that they deem enjoyable. Name it, you have it. But the simp thing gets pretty complicated when the ANYONE (whoever those would be, not naming anyone lol) demands the viewers to pay, even resorting to violent or verbally abusive tactics just for that to happen, even though originally the whole idea on the payment thing was an extra, a gift, not exactly a requirement. And, well, let’s just say that things can escalate quickly, thus the creation of a phenomenon that not only leads to decrease in self-esteem from the givers aka the simp due to being shamed by many people for giving probably a bit too much, because people can be like that, but this also has the potential to hurt the real-life relationships of said people, not to mention drain their accounts. Again, I am putting this out here not to shame but to release information, because honestly, such phenomenon do have probable causes, and I’m about to lay those out here, so please hear me out before you block me out.

Loneliness and Isolation leads to Disconnection and Distraction,  Possible Causes - Esoterically-Speaking

So if you’re going to ask me, under the assumption that you just couldn’t get it, why would some people throw money at other people, even to the point of leaving almost nothing for themselves just to give to other people that “make them happy”? Simple really, it’s like a drug, the other person probably makes the other person feel better about themselves, which is in essence a disconnection from the self, because in reality, a healthy person would have enough know-how to do self-care aka look inside themselves to find out what makes them feel low and then do something about it. But if you feel lost, afraid, having no sense of direction, not knowing what else is there, yeah, I feel you fam. That’s scary as heck, I too was lost for a very, very long time before I ended up awakening consciously. Don’t worry, you’ll get there somehow, you’re already on the way. =)

But what if the giver of donations has a high self-esteem but still does it anyway?

Well, glad you asked.

It is also possible that people resort to simping (there, I freaking said it, zero regrets) because they feel lonely, and wanted some sort of connection to others. Of course, in a perfect world this is easier done, but again, these are trying times, and because humans are genetically-wired to connect to their tribe, then no matter how many times they’re told to do social distancing, they’ll still find a way to be in a crowd. I still stand by following precautions, but I also understand the need to be with other people, on an energetic level. As an empath, even though it sucks to feel other people’s emotions, based on my own experiences, whenever I go out and do some window-shopping, it feels nice to be around people who are calm and enjoying themselves. I’d rather have that than watch anything depressing. But again, the world’s on a lockdown so apart from losing mobility, people are also feeling a sense of loss, which leads to some levels of isolation, thus ending up lonely.

This loneliness can lead to either a decrease in self-esteem leading to seek joys outside the self, in essence a distraction from the reality that the person is in. I mean, when you think about it, nearly everything that is labeled as “entertainment” is a form of distraction. News, TV, music, heck even books and other educational entertainment are simply distractions to what really needs to be solved. 

But really, what are we distracting ourselves from?

Many things, actually. It can range from experiencing the apparent reality for what it is, to having to deal with things in the real world that aren’t exactly fun and entertaining. But more than that, these are distractions from facing who we truly are. These are distractions from finding out our true selves. And the harshest one yet: these are distractions from finding and befriending the demons in our head (cue in Gurenge because you can’t stop me now lolololol).

I mean really, who would want to do adulting? Who would wanna enjoy finding the deepest, darkest parts of ourselves? Who actually enjoys just sitting down and drinking tea/coffee and doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OTHER THAN THAT?

Yes indeed.

Modern society has conditioned people to keep working their butts off, anyone who doesn’t is deemed lazy, and shamed to be even more busy even though their bodies aren’t capable of doing more work. So when the stimuli of having to work gruelly suddenly stops, despite the fact that it gives people a chance to recuperate, the need to do something in order to be “productive” remains, thus causing anxiety to most people. Anxiety due to the extra time. Extra cash. Extra loneliness, extra emotions because for f***’s sake why am I having these jitters and nervousness I gotta get these out but I don’t know how...

And then, cue in the instant-gratification gravy train.

Choose your poison:

Games (I am guilty of this but I am doing my best to curb the need to get at least top 10 in Tetris)

Videos/Movies (I’m on an anime-boy detox right now so judge me however you want I don’t care lol)

Social-media drowning (some simps are probably here)

Watching other people do stuff (simps are here somewhere lol sorry this also includes Vtubers so...)

Doing more work as humanly as possible, no matter how mundane

Comfort-eating (I eat junk as needed so yeah, guilty)

Learning new skills just for the sake of it. Includes webinars

Books/reading materials just to while away the time

Meditating/Zoning out more than the usual (because spiritual communities aren’t truly immune to this shit 100%, those who say they aren’t affected by it are either lying or don’t know what Spiritual By-passing means, yeah I have the guts to call people out, and yes I have been doing  spiritual by-passing myself for sometime so I KNOW it’s an actual thing)

Anything that instantly brings a dopamine rush to the brain, however that works for you. Especially the not-so-wholesome activities. (No judgment though, we’re all humans with needs. See comfort-eating)

But really... What do we really need in these precarious times?

I hate to break this to you and admit this myself but.. The reality of this is that these are the times to find our way back into ourselves.... To find out who we truly are, and own that. To be free from the shackles that the brain holds us in. To go further, beyond what we think we can do. 

More than that, the entire world is crying out to have real, authentic, unconditional connections. Yes, there, I said it. I mean, really, why would simps throw tens, hundreds, probably even thousands of dollars to someone that they don’t even fully know? Because maybe, just maybe, deep inside, these people are craving to connect to someone, something, anything, to feel whole again. To feel complete. To feel like they have some place to belong to. I am not immune to such feelings. I used to waste time translating chat streams, moderating even though I’m not an official moderator, and not getting anything from it other than seeing other people saying thank you for translating/moderating. I can’t throw money so I throw my time instead lol

But there came a point where I just threw my hands up in the air and just left these groups cold-turkey. I mean really, I suddenly regained some form of self-esteem, and instead of throwing my time onto people who already have been receiving a lot of love from others, it suddenly hit me hard: Why can’t I do that shit to myself? I felt so angry, wasting my time when I could have just tended to my own issues. So I did, even though I have some degree of self-hate because of the time I wasted, I still did my best to come back to myself. Because I deserve it. Even if I can’t do much other than find my inner demons and befriend them one by one, if it means that I can love myself better later then that’s it. Slowly but surely, I found myself again, and even though the time wasted has been gone, at the very least, I felt more hopeful, more open to what the universe can bring.

Yeah, sure, it feels lonely at first, I felt re-isolated again, I wanted to talk to anybody, just to feel heard.. BUt then I realized that I had this blog so, instead of spreading toxicity elsewhere, I just contained it here, at least I can write as much as I want without the huge potential of being flagged/flamed/doxed lol hence the start of the monthly moon posts in here. Yeah, sure, they aren’t a lot but at least I have something to ground myself every so often. I re-read the stuff I write here myself, to remind me that at least, somewhere in time, I gave away my love and it comes back to me somehow. So if you felt that in some of my posts, thank you. =)

It sounds stupid but at least it’s something that helps me become less toxic, as if the world needs more of that now lol

Although I will say, every now and then I still get distracted, but at least I don’t drown myself for hours trying to beat the b******s that prevent me from getting tetris maximus like srsly give the dog a bone why won’t you lololol Also thank goodness this household never got hold of Fall Guys because I might do the same x_x And having sucky internet connection for now does have some perks, right now I am planning my drawing-comeback (I’ll start posting again in my main, soon) so I guess in a way, the universe still gives me some sort of entertainment. Also apparently my channeling got stronger, it only got tested after I isolated myself for a while. Scary, like riding a coaster scary.

But hey, these are just some of my suggestions I’m not a twat sitting on a cloud, I live under a rock in the middle of a rice field lolol

If you’re still reading this, then CONGRATULATIONS! I hope you can get through all of the text. You’re almost done! Don’t stop now lol

Possible Solutions - No Guarantees but at least it’s a possible start

Going within is one option. This just means finding all the hidden issues within yourself, and address them one by one. You can use the following questions to help yourself get started:

What am I distracting myself from?

What am I afraid to face?/What is my greatest fear?

When did this fear happen?

How could I have faced this differently?/ How could this have been a better situation?

What can I do to move past this?

You can either do this exercise alone, or with someone, but don’t exchange judgments, just be supportive of one another. And if you can call on someone like a counselor or a shrink, then feel free to do so. Only masochists like myself do shit like these alone, not recommended unless you want more pain in your life.

If you’re not on the spiritual journey yet, and you found this blog and you related to whatever the heck I wrote here, then good job, that’s one possible option for you. Or if you’re already on the journey but you got distracted like me, don’t worry, you can only go forward, I support you on that. Just go back to the basics of however you founded your spiritual practices on. I just rewatch the stuff that helped me awaken during my dark night of the soul. I also re-read some articles, or just search for updated ones. As always, treat yourself with loving kindness and patience. Only you can do that for you.

If you’ve done whatever you can, and already did everything, and yet you still want to simp, well, then do whatever the heck feels right and good and shameless for you. As long as you don’t hurt anyone, including yourself, and your checking account, then simp as much as you want lol I mean in the end, who am I to tell you what to do? I’m just here to give some suggestions...

Summary, Conclusion, Recommendation

Flu is not the only epidemic there is, aside from diabetes there’s also the invisible epidemic of distraction, brought upon by factors such as loneliness, isolation, and disconnection from the self. It’s easier to look for answers outside of the self, thus many people resort to throwing money at other people aka simping, hoping to fill in the empty feelings inside. But if these same people threw that money or time into their own selves, to find out what the missing pieces in their lives were, then maybe things could get better from there, and while simping will probably remain a thing, as it has been, at least, the simps would be doing that from a better standpoint. 

Honestly I am too tired to even think of a concluding statement as well as recommendations so I’ll go directly to disclaimer instead lol

Disclaimer, again: OK I am not against simping in the most wholesome sense, but heck this was posted on No Simp September so maybe this can provide some information to those who need it? I am not exactly the one making the rules here but hey, it’s my blog so do I look like I even care lololol

OK I’m just playing, feel free to do whatever you want, as long as you don’t hurt anybody, including yourself. 

Cheers to your well-being, fam.

Offering you my free hugs and love, while wishing you all the best that life has to offer, I remain your friend,

Mikazuki

PS. If you found the information in this post to be very helpful, insightful, and of great value to you and your own personal journey, please feel free to reblog, share and heart/like, or if you feel super-generous, energetic exchanges are welcomed! Please click here and use this email address: may_chan_otaku@yahoo.com

Thank you so much and be blessed!

PSS. If you’re interested to get a personal card and energetic reading, for inquires please send an email or an anonymous ask in this page. Thank you! =)

PSSS. I don’t want to put this here due to embarrassment, but my sempai friend probably won’t know this anyway so I’m gonna put it here lol I dedicate this post to tomo-sempai who inspired me to make more posts, even if I don’t have a dedicated fanbase lol ok I’m probably gonna cry after this, like Zen-itsu because NEZUKO-CHAAAAAAAN~ you can’t stop me nowwwwww