#but at least i’m finally living up to my url

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Based on your recent answer about why you watch BL in which you mentioned many narratives like to punish lesbians with death, I wanted to prompt you to speak on that a bit more if you're willing. I will wait here chin in hands for when/if this is interesting to you because it's a bugbear of mine and I'd love to read your thoughts!

Hello Twiggy! (can I call you that? What should we shorten your url to? t-t?) 

Anyway, I would be happy to speak more on that!

To establish my lens, I am a Westerner, I grew up with no queer elders, and did not really realize I was queer until after I graduated college, so my experience with queer media was limited at best. I know there are films and television out there where the sapphics live, and there are films and televisions where I am completely fine with a queer character dying. I am not a “if any queer character dies they are burying the gays!” kind of person. 

Now, I’ll admit that when I wrote that in my answer, I was mostly saying it based on knowledge of the tumblr discourse I’ve observed over the past decade I have been on this fucking website. In other words, I didn’t know the full extent of the issue, because to be perfectly honest, despite the absurd amount of television I do watch, seeing queer women in my shows has been few and far between. I don’t think I saw a girl kiss another girl until I stumbled upon the YouTube web-series Carmilla in high school. SO, your ask required me to do a little bit more research. 

Here is a link to an article listing 230 dead lesbian and bisexual characters and their causes of death which include toxic envelope glue in Seinfeld??? The list is so long that the article is split up in to FOUR PAGES!

Here are a couple of names from shows I either have seen or recognize: 

Tara Maclay in Buffy the Vampire Slayer 

Lexa in The 100 

Tosha in The Wire

Poussey in Orange is the New Black (which I will absolutely never forgive this show for) 

Toshiko Sato in Torchwood 

June Stahl in Sons of Anarchy

Patty O’Farrel and Veronica Cortes in La Reina del Sur

Jamilah Olsen in Black Lightining

Dani in The Haunting of Bly Manor

I do not want to count how many times I have seen the words “died in her girlfriends arms” in this list, and I’m only a page and a half in. I do not want to count how many times I have read “Cause of Death: shot/stabbed/blown up/murdered/throat slit” I have seen three separate queer women from True Blood on this list, three separate queer women from Boardwalk Empire, four from Orange is the New Black, four from Killing Eve. The cause of death for a character named Emily in Teen Wolf is five lines long. We know how Supernatural is about killing women and killing queers, and killing queer women (there are three on this list I’ve seen so far). And there are some truly convoluted deaths in here, and unsurprising a number of the most fucked up ones are…you guessed it, committed against queer women of color. 

And there are plenty on this list from like…American Horror Story, or like Scream, or you know other shows with very obvious ‘this is kind of an everyone dies’ situation. Like I’m not surprised if multiple queer characters from The Walking Dead die, I’m not going to hold it against the television show Spartacus for killing a bisexual woman in the final battle where everybody dies. (I will blame them for systematically killing off any and all interesting, complex female characters until we were left with almost nothing, when we had such good ones in Season 1). I do not see Dani dying at the end of Haunting of Bly Manor to be a ‘Bury Your Gays” situation in the least. 

And I am a lot more prone to being comfortable with a queer character dying if there are other queer characters in the story, as long as they don’t all die, you know what I mean?  

Hell, even in shows written and/or performed by queer people where at the end everyone lives, they’ll still sometimes kill (and then resurrect) the characters. Laura in Carmilla  for instance. 

According to a study by LGBT Fans Deserve Better, 62 lesbian and bisexual female characters had died over the past two seasons of television (at the time, which I think was like 2014-2016) and the 2015-2016 year saw the highest number of deaths of queer women in one season of television (42 characters accounting fro 10% of all deaths for scripted television shows that season)

In 2016, a GLAAD analysis was published stating “25 lesbian and bisexual female-identifying characters have died on scripted broadcast and cable television and streaming series since the beginning of 2016” and went on to say that most of those deaths were used to further the plot of the often cishet main character, and violent death was the most repeated ending for queer women in media. 

Looking further back in time, the Hays Code of 1930, which had major influence over United States television, did not allow for positive portrayals of queerness. And those impacts linger for far longer than those rules were put in place. I’m thinking of the very obviously queer coded lobster person in PowerPuff girls (which was one of my childhood shows) named HIM who was the personification of evil. Ursula in The Little Mermaid being inspired by a drag queen. [And it is here I will put an aside to say, I love queer coded villains, I think the person that made most of DIsney’s villains in like my generation of Disney films was queer himself, yada yada I’m covering my ass from anyone who wants to engage with this post in bad faith blah blah]. 

Hell, I’ve seen one GL out of Thailand, which was GAP the Series and even they killed off another queer female character and made Sam suffer abuse at the hands of her grandmother. I’ve heard about how The Shipper treated its lesbians. 

The TL;DR version of this is that, for a very long time in (at least Western) television, a sapphic existed in a narrative, and a sapphic died, often violently, often in their lover’s arms. And thanks to studies like the one by LGBT Fans Deserve Better, these disparities were made glaringly obvious, and rates of lesbian death in shows has been going down since 2016.

[choicesficwriterscreations]

CFWC Writer of the Month: Jamespotterthefirst

Each month CFWC highlights one of our talented fanfic writers, and this month’s writer of the month is @jamespotterthefirst! We hope you will enjoy learning more about her and her work below! The writer is selected at random. More info can be found on the navigation page.

Quick Links:

Tumblr Blog: Jamespotterthefirst Blog Masterlist

1- When did you start playing Choices? What's the first book you played? 

I started playing back in 2018. I kept seeing this thing called “playchoices” trending as number 1 on Tumblr (lol remember those days?). This would happen, without fail, almost every week! When I clicked on it, the posts were all about the finale of a royal story (The Royal Romance!). People made the most hilarious posts, complete with memes. I had no idea what it was, but I gathered it was an app. I downloaded it, and the rest is history. 

The first book I played was Desire and Decorum. It was absolute torture because it wasn’t completed yet. So I binged the available chapters. Yes, I spent real money on keys and diamonds, telling myself at least I wasn't spending that money on drugs. It was so much fun waiting for a new chapter every week, even if I’m an impatient mess. 

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

I joined the fandom almost immediately after downloading the app. 

As I sat in my living room, tapping my foot and waiting for the new D&D chapter to drop, I went back into the playchoices tag for content. It felt good to find other people who loved the story as much as I did. There were other users out there who were also waiting impatiently for the new chapter, writing fics and discussing theories in the meantime. There were also some of the funniest memes I have ever seen in my life. At first, I would quietly read and reblog. Then, I slowly started posting my own thoughts and theories (which were not very good lol but hey, this is tumblr after all).

3- How did you pick your url name? 

My life is one hyperfixation after another… The one before Choices was Harry Potter. More specifically, the Marauders era. I used to write for the pairing called “Jily”, composed of Harry Potter’s (dead) parents. Kelsey (@takeharryandgo) is a witness of just how much I love James Potter, Harry’s (dead) dad. In fact, our shared love for the pairing and character is one of the things that brought us together. 

In short, this URL is a reference to James Potter the first, Harry’s (dead) dad. Not James Sirius Potter the second, Harry Potter’s (living?) son. 

I saved it as a sideblog, meant only for writing resources for me to use at a later time. One day, I decided I didn’t want the followers on my main page to see all the Choices spam I was posting, so I resurrected the JP blog. 

4- Go back to your archive and tell us about the first post on your Choices blog. 

My first Choices post was a shitty theory about Desire & Decorum: 

5- How long have you been writing fanfiction?

I’ve been writing fanfiction since I was a literal child. I used to write in a notebook and my friends would read during recess. It was awful but they were into it. One day, I used up the whole notebook and my friend was desperate for the next part of the story. I told her I needed to wait until my mom took me to the store (literal child) to get a new one. My friend got me a new one by the end of the day lol.

TL;DR that puts me at about 20+ years of writing. 

6- What is your favorite Choices book to write about?

Without a doubt, Open Heart! 

7- Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it or would you change anything about it?

Oh god, the first fanfic I wrote was Lily Evans and James Potter from the Harry Potter universe. I forgot the exact title, but it was named after an Avril Lavigne lyric. Again, I was a child, don’t judge me lol. It’s handwritten in a notebook I still have somewhere, but I will never open it again lest I die of cringe. 

My first Choices fic, on the other hand, was a Desire and Decorum fic called “A Wedding Gift” that only like 5 people read at the time. 

8- What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

Oof. This answer changes depending on the day you ask me. I always overthink it and end up saying picking a favorite fic is like picking a favorite child. To avoid being here all day, however, I’m going to say: Fake Husband, She Walks in Beauty, and Lovely.

9- Do you have a fic that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to be but could use a little more love?

Definitely, the fic I didn’t expect to do well at all if my first Open Heart fic: Lovely. 

I was so naive back then, knowing nothing about the Open Heart writing fandom. I had no idea what format or tags to use when posting. I was afraid there would be no readers out there who wanted to read a silly little story about my MC posting a thirst trap. All I knew was that the latest chapter of Open Heart Year 2 inspired an idea that wouldn’t leave me alone until I wrote it. 

I posted it and I was so incredibly lucky to receive so much support. Words cannot explain how special that was. To this day, I cannot verbalize how grateful I am for that. 

There isn’t really a fic I can think of that could use more love. It always amazes me that anyone gives my fics their time. So any feedback my fics get will always be valued and treasured by me. 

10- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? 

Oh no. 

If forced to choose, I’d say fluff. 

11- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

Absolutely! While I try to make every MC different, I often pull from experience when I write. My Open Heart MC and I have a lot of things in common (heritage, hometown, astrological sign, etc.) But I also wanted her to be her own character with life choices that are different from mine. Since I'm very boring, it definitely makes for better fiction that way. 

12- What element of writing do you struggle with most?

It depends on the day. Some days I struggle the most with dialogue. Others, my biggest struggle is descriptions. It's rare when I feel confident in both when I write. 

13- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

*laughs nervously in unfinished series*

There are a few series I have yet to finish. Once again, I apologize for leaving them untouched for so long! I plan to get my shit together soon! 

14- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? 

No! 

I don't think I could look anyone in the eye if they read some of the stuff I've written, especially for Choices. 

15 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing?

I strongly believe that one of the best ways to learn as a writer is reading. As such, I believe I've learned from most pieces I've read, particularly published rom com novels. In the fanfiction world, I admire my lovely friend @takeharryandgo. I've had the absolute joy of following her writing for over a decade. And with every work, I am still amazed by her masterful way with words! And her characterization is always spot-on. I simply love to read her spellbinding work and learn from the master! 

Other writers/creators I admire are:

@heauxplesslydevoted- one of the first OH writers I've ever read! Her smut is top-tier!

@jerzwriter - her stories, dialogue, and characterization are a delight to read. Her angst is painful. Her smut is sizzling hot! 

@liaromancewriter - a true master at romance! Her writing style is magical and synonymous with the best of rom-coms! 

@genevievemd - I bow down because the amount of love and care she puts into every piece truly makes her work special! 

 @lucy-268 - I have always respected the amount of research she puts into every piece. She pours so much care into it so that the narrative flows seamlessly! 

@a-crepusculo - her writing is so vivid and immersive. Reading her work is like listening to the most beautiful of symphonies!

@writer-ish - she is such a master at the craft! Her characterization is so vivid that the reader will fall in love no matter the format. Her text edits are legendary! 

@bex-la-get - such a talented and dedicated writer! She also pours hours of research into her work, ensuring every detail makes sense! 

@potionsprefect - she's such a creative and talented writer. She develops writing ideas like no one else I've ever seen! 

@headoverheelsforramsey- I love her storytelling and characterization! She's created a beautiful, inspiring, and intelligent MC for all of us to adore!

@gryffindordaughterofathena - her writing style is one of the most original I've ever seen. Reading her work feels like reading the loveliest of poetry! 

@coffeeheartaddict2- the dedication she puts into her work blows me away! She's daring when exploring themes in her writing, and she's not afraid to pull from personal experience. 

@lsvdw-blog - the person I'm sending my therapy bill to. Just kidding! Her writing is beautiful, even when it's the most painful angst. 

@trappedinfanfiction - she is such a lovely writer. The amount of detail she's given both of her MC's back stories has my absolute respect! 

@quixoticdreamer16 - I adore her MC and the wholesome, beautiful background she's given her! 

@mysticalgalaxysstuff - Another MC that has stolen my heart. I am so happy she started writing this past year because she's a real talent! 

@peonierose - love her beautiful MC and the beautiful love story she built for her with Bryce! 

@cariantha - a brilliant writer with talent for days! 

16- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series? 

I would love to see She Walks in Beauty along with its series (1800s AU) in live action. Imagine Ana de Armas and David Gandy in period costumes? That alone would be worth it! 

17- Do you write original stories? 

I've crafted and outlined original stories before but I've never actually written them. One of my biggest goals for the new year is to finally start. Wish me luck! 

18 -  What other hobbies do you have?

I love reading, hiking, and dancing! 

Yes, I picked the most “impressive” of my hobbies to seem cool. On most days, you'll catch me cuddling with my dog or bf watching YouTube/TikTok/Hell's Kitchen reruns lol. 

19 - What’s your favorite emoji? 

I used the orange 🧡 and purple 💜 hearts a lot because they're my favorite colors!

20: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

For the record, I am also contractually obligated to read anything Kelsey writes 😘 

Thank you so much to every single reader who has given my work a chance these past three years!

Thank you to the wonderful mods of CFWC for all you do to support writers in the Fandom! 

[goofygooberton]

Thanks for the tag @feralgodmothers ! I am finally using tumblr on my laptop so i can actually copy/paste this and do this :P

Rules: Bold the ones that are true and tag 15 people to do it.

Appearance

i’m over 5’5” // i wear glasses/contacts // i have blonde hair // i prefer loose clothing to tight clothing (tbh this doesnt matter that much to me but my clothes have gotta be soft)// i have one or more piercings // i have at least one tattoo // i have blue eyes// i have dyed or highlighted my hair (dyed my hair for the first time this year and I've already done four different colors haha. Currently it's pink)// i have gotten plastic surgery // i have or had braces // i sunburn easily // i have freckles // i paint my nails // i typically wear make-up // i don’t often smile // i am pleased with how i look// i prefer nike to adidas // i wear baseball hats backwards

Hobbies & Talents

i play a sport// i can play an instrument // i am artistic // i know more than one language //i have won a trophy in some sort of competition// i can cook or bake without a recipe // i know how to swim // i enjoy writing // i can do origami // i prefer movies to tv shows // i can execute a perfect somersault // i enjoy singing // i could survive in the wild on my own (girl noooooo i would die after maybe a week. Also depends on the environment, I'd obviously last alot longer in a place with a reasonable amount of water) //i have read a new book series this year // i enjoy spending time with friends // i travel during school or work breaks // i can do a handstand

Relationships

i am in a relationship // i have been single for over a year // i have a crush (honestly I dont know how to classify whatever feelings are going on atm lmao. but it's towards fictional characters so it doesnt really matter :)) // i have a best friend i have known for ten years (not quite but its coming up on ten years, damn the time flies)// my parents are together // i have dated my best friend // i am adopted // my crush has confessed to me // i have a long distance relationship // iam an only child// i give advice to my friends // i have made an online friend // i met up with someone i have met online

Nature

i have heard the ocean in a conch shell // i have watched the sun rise // i enjoy rainy days // i have slept under the stars (I wish! this is def going on the bucket list) // i meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // i enjoy the smell of the beach // i know what snow tastes like // i listen to music to fall asleep // i enjoy thunderstorms // i enjoy cloud watching (oooo I havent done that in ages) // i have attended a bonfire // i pay close attention to colours (only if im drawing haha) // i find mystery in the ocean (who doesn't! it's like outer space, but down) // i enjoy hiking on nature paths (I love you, hiking) // autumn is my favourite season

Misc.

i can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // i am the mom friend // i live by a certain quote // i like the smell of sharpies // i am involved in extracurricular activities // i enjoy mexican food // i can drive a stick-shift // i believe in true love//i make up scenarios to fall asleep (oh boy do I do this)// i sing in the shower (on occasion)// i wish i lived in a video game // i have a canopy above my bed // i am multiracial (well multi-ethnic technically depending on how you distinguish race) // i am a redhead // i own at least three dogs

Okay fifteen people here we go: @noelpilled @gsdfuogsdojp @ishouldfindarealjob @2offayyo-kzt @albarnmylove @snorzyy @queenandtheboosh @tommeetenspookie @trainstationdweller @gaycostanzas (what a username, and they're absolutely right) @too-many-ships-to-fit-in-one-url @bedroomcloset @startrekkingintheshadows @elie12-4 @augbesian

No pressure ofc! have fun :)

[lalazeewrites]

RETURN OF TAG GAMES

i know i have been gone for what in fandom time is 'forever', so thank you a million for tagging me @celestialmickey @heymrspatel @tanktopgallavich @vintagelacerosette @energievie @stocious @metalheadmickey @gallagher-milkovich

name: lala/larisa

age: 35 but i’m permanently stuck at 25 in my head, i always forget

where in the world are you? 📍 an hour north of chicago, near the wisconsin border

the meaning behind your URL: very self explanatory, i’m not creative with names hehe. but lalazee is my nickname and zee is because my last name is a z name. again, not creative lol

your second favorite color: pink!

any pets? one cat with the personality of a soft bunny & another cat with the personality of a surly dragon

favorite season: autumn!

last thing you read: ‘the only good indians’ by stephen graham jones

last song you listened to: ‘so much (for) stardust’ by fob is playing as i type! i am a true blue lifelong feral fan from ‘take this to your grave (2003) album fan onwards. i’ve already listened to this album so much that my almost ten year old knows most of the words to most of the songs lol

what are you wearing right now? grinning skeleton holding up a coffee cup w a smiley face on it that says ‘STAYIN’ ALIVE’ & pink shorts

a hobby of yours: writing! singing! hiking! camping! cooking! all things horror!

your comfort show or movie: i feel like your comfort movies & shows might not be your all time favs, but more like movies & shows that are easy on your brain to absorb when you’re skull is feeling soupy. as a true 90’s kid, i gravitate for comfort toward those big box office action or disaster films like jurassic park, twister, independence day, the mummy (and 2), men in black, jumanji, matrix, anaconda, etc. . . i have a thing for big monsters & big battles, so also count pacific rim as one of my favorite movies ever too haha

and finally, what are you up to today? it’s spring break! but my spinal surgery blah blah is still healing so i’m relaxing at home while my mom takes my kid to the arcade and candy shop! they’ve been gone four hours, so i can only assume they’ve had a good time lol

FANDOM EDITION

your first fandom(s): First fandom on the INTERNET would have been Star Trek XI. First media that i was unhinged about: X-Files, X-Men, Xena, Sailor Moon (apparently I couldn’t find another X related interest LOL)

your current fandom(s): My Hero Academia, Shameless, Stranger Things, Attack on Titan. . .I actively read for about 5 other fandoms other than those (Supernatural, Witcher, FMA, LOTR, Star Trek), but I’m currently actively writing in these.

how did you first get into fandom? Back when I was living in Glasgow, Scotland, it was my 21st birthday, and my friends and I were going to see a horror movie. Turned out, the tickets were sold out, so we decided to see Star Trek XI. I’d NEVER watched Trek in my life, didn’t know a thing about it, and when I walked out of that theater I was a totally changed human and now I am a Trek Encyclopedia LOL

how long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? Since 2009, so like 14 years.

how often do you read fanfics? Every day, if my brain is healthy enough that day! I sometimes take breaks of a couple months and only read published books though, I feel I get a different experience from both that I can equally appreciate.

top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): Mickey Milkovich, Bakugou Katsuki, Billy Hargrove. Angry disaster babies, I guess.

have you ever written a fic for a fandom? I’ve written 167 fics, not including those on my Patreon. So, over 170 fics, at least.

have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? No! Funny that I got accepted on scholarship to NIU for Theater & Art, partially on my art portfolio, but I never create any art for anything!

share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: Ian loves his mom more than he feels comfortable saying, because he feels like it's a family and even personal betrayal. I think it’s impossible to accurately describe how to feels to grow up with an abusive parent who vacillates wildly between adoring and abusive, but there’s no feeling quite like loving and hating your parent, desperately wishing you could be what they wanted so they’d stay, and hoping you never see them again. I know we’ve seen Ian follow Monica more than any other kids, but I think that any time he curses her out to his siblings or whoever else, each bad word is also like a self-cut.

you’re trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) If for My Hero Academia, I would have them watch the Heroes Rising movie, for Shameless I don’t even KNOW where I’d begin tbh LOL

and finally, what does fandom mean to you? Fandom is family! I’ve been in fandom for fourteen years, and I have so so so many real life friends who have been with me through literally the hardest parts of my life. My divorce, my ex husband going to prison, the birth of my child, me being a single parent, moving back to America, my coma, my kidney transplant. My fandom friends from across the world have uplifted me and been my support system through every single high and low. I don’t know how I’d be here without them, quite literally.

[coconutcreambun]

Can you do Max griffin x female reader please?🖤💓

You Should've Known Better

Paring: Max Griffin x reader

Warnings: not proof read, a little bit of angst, mentions of death, mentions of murder

Summary: After Max Griffin's alliance with the Elf King and rampage on Cielis, Y/n, a rogue stone keeper had fled to a small town. She lived peacefully amongst other humans in exchange for small favours, but when Max hears whispers of a stray stone keeper, he makes it his mission to recruit you in order to get to the Mother Stone. Maybe fate had other plans for the two of you.

ABBR: Y/n (your name), Y/l/n (your last name)

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A/N: Hi hi! I’m so sorry I didn’t see this sooner! I didn’t know if you wanted anything in particular so I just winged it,,, ALSO I was in hysterics reading your url LMAOHDGF

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you make rounds around the small town, you carry a small basket full of fresh fruit. Going from stall to stall, you examine the produce.

Feeling a gentle tap on your shoulder, you pull down the hood of your cloak. You put down the fruit you were holding, turning to face the person.

"Miss Y/l/n, could you help me with my cargo? I fear that my bad back makes it difficult to lift heavy items nowadays," said an old man.

You perk up and smile gently at the old man.

"Ah, Mr. Cane, it's so good to see you! I'll be happy to help," you say politely.

As you walk with him to his store, you watch the kids play cheerfully in the town square. Snapping your fingers, a soft blue glow emanates around the kids. An impressive dragon swirls around them, weaving between the kids, finally erupting into fireworks. Their giggles and squeals make you chuckle.

Mr. Cane laughs at your little display, turning to you.

"Just those crates over there dear, thank you for your help," he says gratefully.

You nod as your amulet glows, the soft blue returning from earlier. You use this added strength to easily carry stacks of crates into the modest store.

Dusting your hands, you grin. "All done here Mr. Cane! Anything else?"

He shakes his head as he places a small pouch of coins into your hands.

Your eyes widened in surprise, "Oh no, please I could never! Everyone has been more than generous helping me get settled, I couldn't accept this," you say quickly.

He clasps your hands in his, tucking the coins into the basket hooked around your arm.

"It's the least I can do for all your hard work, consider it a token of my appreciation," he says warmly.

You smile at him, thanking him one last time before returning home. Watching the sun start to set, you make your way back.

"Goodnight big sister Y/n!!" said the group of kids from earlier.

You wave warmly to them, watching as their parents usher them home for dinner.

Out of sight, you feel your smile drop. You sigh, your heart feeling heavy.

On one hand, your new life here was wonderful, and everyone was extremely kind; but on the other, you could only feel empty.

Your parents, your friends, you neighbours- gone.

You felt anger bubble inside you, breathing in deeply to quell the tears threatening to spill.

You recall how your father didn't come home from work that day. Your mind flashes to the image of their lifeless bodies littering the streets.

Shaking your head, you unlock the door to your small home. Dropping your basket onto the counter of your kitchen, you toss your cloak to the couch.

The townsfolk had helped you get settled in. You recall how wary they were of you when you first stumbled across their town. After lending a hand here and there, they quickly warmed up to you, offering to each chip in to help you purchase this home.

You flop onto your bed, letting sleep take over every inch of your body. The smell of fresh sheets fills your senses as your eyes shut.

-----------------------

You were rudely awoken by a commotion outside. It was the middle of the night, the moon was still high in the sky. You slip your shoes on, hurriedly grabbing your cloak. You wrap it around your shoulders, letting the fabric engulf you.

Dashing out into the street, you notice a stall knocked over and an older woman chastising a boy around your age. Combing a hand through his spiky hair, he rudely rolls his eyes and begins to interrupt her, his own anger apparent on his face.

You dash to the scene, extending your arms protectively.

"Hey, hey-! Guys, it's okay, I'll see what I can do about the stall, let's get to picking up all this fruit first," you say quickly intercepting the two.

Bending down to pick up a few apples, your amulet hangs from your neck, slipping out from behind your cloak.

The boy's eyes widen as he grips you by the wrist, pulling you up to examine your face.

"Hey what the h-!" you yelp in protest, dropping an apple.

"Are you from Cielis?" he asks, cutting you off.

You flinch at his words. How would he know where you were from? Even the townspeople didn't know of your origins, respecting your need for privacy.

You yank your wrist out of his grasp, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Who... are you?" you whisper.

Your hair sways wildly in the wind, you grip your amulet protectively. The stall was being tended to by your neighbours. Standing eerily still, you stood there separating this intruder from the people behind you.

He breathes in sharply.

"I'm Max, and I need your help,"

-------------------

Your mind was racing, you couldn't believe what you were doing.

You had the Max Griffin seated on your couch as you tended to his wounds.

After apologizing to your neighbour for all the damage Max had caused, you promised her a favour for her forgiveness.

Dragging Max away from the innocent people, you got him settled in your living room.

Sighing, you grab a peach from your basket from the previous day. Washing it, you slice it into pieces and place it onto a plate.

Bringing the plate over to Max, you sit on an armchair across from him. Crossing your arms over your chest, you eye him down suspiciously.

He was in rough shape. You had bandaged his wrist and forearm, presumably the remnants from a battle with some creature. You watch as he brings a peach slice to his lips, savouring the taste of fresh fruit.

You were the first to speak, "So, what do you want from me?" you ask curtly.

He meets your gaze, wiping his hand on his pants. "The motherstone- it's in danger," he says quietly.

If only you knew better. He was lying through his teeth.

You furrow your brows, frowning at him. "What're you talking about? You destroyed the goddamn city! Why would you possibly care?" you grit.

He lets his gaze fall to the ground. "I know what I did was unforgivable," he whispers. "-but truly, I need your help. You would know better than anyone Y/n," he says, eyeing your amulet.

You flinch at the mention of your name, taking a step back, you raise your fists. He stands up, putting his hands in the air in surrender.

"How do you know my name?" you demand.

"My amulet told me I needed to find you," he says slowly revealing his amulet from under his own cloak.

"I was wrong for what I did, I was angry- the system was unjust and my judgement was clouded," he says gingerly.

You feel your guard falter for a moment.

He continues, "-but I'm doing whatever I can to make up for it. The city is back, Y/n, I can bring the people back,"

"I just need the help of another stonekeeper to bring the mother stone back to its former power- please Y/n come back to Cielis with me," he pleads with you.

Your arms drop to your sides as your lips part in shock. All you could imagine was bringing your parents back. You clench your fists momentarily, slowly releasing the tension as you sigh.

"...fine" you mumble.

---------------------

Getting him settled on the couch, you grab a lit candle. Watching his features relax, your grip the candle holder tightly. You could have your revenge right now.

He was so vulnerable, so unguarded, so alive.

Snapping out of it, you sigh, blowing out the candle softly and heading to bed.

---------------------

Throughout the next few days, you helped Max rebuild his ship that he crash landed a couple days prior in the woods. You wince as he tells you about the monster he fought off.

He smiles proudly as he finishes his story, pointing at a scar.

You catch yourself laughing at his antics, despite harbouring hate towards him. After helping Max haul a few wood planks, you make sure to stop by a few vendors, buying some candied fruit for the two of you. A group of kids swarmed the stall, waving to you happily.

You smile as you talk to the little ones. Unbeknownst to you, Max's cheery personality drops the moments you turn away from him. He watches as you reach over to help a small child out with holding his candied snack. The way your hair frames your face as you reach over with a genuinely kind smile catches his eye.

He feels something unpleasant in the pit of his stomach, brushing the strange feeling off as his distaste for other humans.

You whip around to face him, he catches your gaze, flinching as you hold out two sticks with strawberries on them. You hand him one, despite his reluctance.

"These are delicious, you should try one," you usher, joining his side.

"I'll take your word for it," he says as he hesitantly bites into the snack.

His eyes light up as he finishes the treat quickly. You sigh, giggling.

He watches the way your eyes squint when you smile.

Was this feeling pity? Perhaps his lying nature had finally started to catch up to him.

---------------------------------

Saying your teary goodbyes, you part ways with your neighbours. Giving your final hugs, you make sure to take all your important belongings with you. Boarding Max's ship, you look at him, nodding once. Nodding back, you two took off.

Making yourself at home, you unpacked in a cabin. Heading up to the deck of the ship, your gaze lands on Max. He's leaning on a railing, looking down at the small town.

Approaching him, you hesitate. You lift your hand to his shoulder mumbling to yourself.

"Woah," you gasp out, gazing down at the forests below.

He's surprised at the contact. Watching the way your hair sways in the wind, he relaxes.

"The first time I was on ship, I had to hide away in the cabins the entire time," you laugh bitterly.

Recalling how you had to smuggle yourself onto a ship from Cielis, you quickly remove your hand from Max's shoulder.

His gaze droops a little, missing your brief contact.

The two of you gaze out at the forests below in silence.

He freezes.

He misses your warmth?

"Y/n- I'm-," he says trying to comfort you.

"Just- stop Max," you say with hurt on your face.

He watches you as he feels a pang in his chest. Surprised at his own actions, he reaches up to wipe a stray tear from you cheek.

You pull away from him, mumbling a quick string of apologies as you dash off to your cabin.

--------------------------------

As you lay curled up in bed, you sniffle softly.

Knock, knock, knock.

You perk up at the door.

"Y/n?"

You take in a sharp gasp of air.

Treading over to the door, you open it slightly.

"Y/n- I'm sorry," he says.

You meet his gaze as you open the door wider, silently inviting him inside.

Sitting on your bed, you feel it dip to one side as he sits beside you. You don't miss the tenderness in his voice. The way he tucks a stray strand of hair behind your ear. How he holds you like your the most delicate thing on the planet.

You should've known better.

Maybe you did know better.

But just for today, you'll open your heart up to him.

[lesbiangallagher]

Fandom tag!! thank u for tagging me @suchagallabitch 🥰

Your First Fandom(s): i wasn’t going to do this but fuck it, here’s all the fandoms i remember being in: south park, left 4 dead, pokemon, homestuck, the book of mormon, les mis, the lorax, camp lazlo, one direction, shameless us (there’s more but i do not remember currently)

How did you first get into fandom? i liked writing self insert fic and i used to spend hours on youtube watching AMVs to like, bullet for my valentine in 2007 lol i found ffnet and deviantart soon after and the rest is history!

How long have you been engaging with fandom spaces? 2007 so officially 16 years. i was 11 reading south park yaoi

How often do you read fanfics? i open ao3 every single morning to see if any of my favorite wips have been updated. i love wips, i used to not read them bc i was always afraid the writer would abandon it but now i’ll read absolutely anything. i love the journey of reading wips now. it’s like my morning newspaper

Top 3 characters from your current fandom(s): mickey milkovich, ian gallagher, and now retsuko from aggretsuko…i feel like i am in no fandom rn, just passin by. i’m like the old man that lives on the edge of town who still comes to the street events

Have you ever written a fic for a fandom? yeah i’ve written a bunch of drabbles on my blog and uploaded two finished works, both one shots for the spicy gallavich collab 2021 and 2022…i am particularly proud of this year’s spicy fic. somehow reached 11k words and it’s about lesbians mickey and ian 💃 search lesbiangallagher on ao3. but in the past i feel like i’ve written at least one fic for every fandom i’ve been in…and i’ve been in a LOT of fandoms lol but they’re all on my old blog that only og rocco fans know about

Have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom? if so, shout it out! nah i’ve never been a fanart type of creator. i’m sure i’ve drawn characters jokingly or something

Share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about: since 2014, i have a HARD and STRONG headcanon that mickey is a trans dude

You're trying to convince a friend to get into your current fandom(s) with you. what episode, clip, or scene are you showing them? i don’t want anyone to get on the shameless US train because it was a whole lot of suffering but if i had to: the episode where they steal the meat from the meat truck. for aggretsuko: the episode where ton and retsuko go at it at karaoke

And finally, what does fandom mean to you? it’s always been an ~escape~ for me, where all my unhinged thoughts are welcome. i’ve seen just about everything at this point, but i still love the idea of community who bond over One niche thing

SECOND TAG ok slay!!!

name: rocco

age: i’ll be 27 in may 😵‍💫

Where in the world are you? georgia, us of a

The meaning behind your URL: i’m lesbian ian gallagher

Your second favourite color: i guess it’s orangey yellow

any pets? my cat, minky and two birds merlin and mulder

favourite season? fall

Last thing you read: new update of dead meet🫣

Last song you listened to: lavender haze by miss swift

What are you wearing right now? black skeleton dress and cooking apron

A hobby of yours: i read a LOT, i’ll read practically anything lol. now that i have a new glasses prescription, i feel invincible

and finally, what are you up to today? currently making breakfast and getting ready for vacation this week 😗

i don’t know who’s all been tagged but feel free to do this!! i am always reminded of myspace with these lol

[blech]

Automatic image tagging with Gemini AI

I used multimodal generative AI to tag my archive of 2,500 unsorted images. It was surprisingly effective.

I’m a digital packrat. Disk space is cheap, so why not save everything? That goes double for things out on the internet, especially those on third party servers, where you can’t be sure they’ll live forever. One of the sites that hasn’t lasted is ffffound!, a pioneering image bookmarking website, which I was lucky enough to be a member of.

Back around 2013 I wrote a quick Ruby web scraper to download my images, and ever since I’ve wondered what to do with the 2,500 or so images. ffffound was deliberately minimal - you got only the URL of the site it was saved from and a page title - so organising them seemed daunting.

A little preview- this is what got pulled out tagged "maps".

The power of AI compels you!

As time went on, I thought about using machine learning to write tags or descriptions, but the process back then involved setting up models, training them yourself, and it all seemed like a lot of work. It's a lot less work now. AI models are cheap (or at least, for the end user, subsidised) and easy to access via APIs, even for multimodal queries.

After some promising quick explorations, I decided to use Google’s Gemini API to try tagging the images, mainly because they already had my billing details in Google Cloud and enabling the service was really easy.

Prototyping and scripting

My usual prototyping flow is opening an iPython shell and going through tutorials; of course, there’s one for Gemini, so I skipped to “Generate text from image and text inputs”, replaced their example image with one of mine, tweaked the prompt - ending up with ‘Generate ten unique, one to three word long, tags for this image. Output them as comma separated, without any additional text’ - and was up and running.

With that working, I moved instead to writing a script. Using the code from the interactive session as a core, I wrapped it in some loops, added a little SQL to persist the tags alongside the images in an existing database, and set it off by passing in a list of files on the command line. (The last step meant I could go from running it on the six files matching images/00\*.jpg up to everything without tweaking the code.) Occasionally it hit rather baffling errors, which weren’t well explained in the tutorial - I’ll cover how I handled them in a follow up post.

You can see the resulting script on GitHub. Running it over the entire set of images took a little while - I think the processing time was a few seconds per image, so I did a few runs of maybe an hour each to get all of them - but it was definitely much quicker than tagging by hand. Were the tags any good, though?

Exploring the results

I coded up a nice web interface so I was able to surf around tags. Using that, I could see what the results were. On the whole? Between fine and great. For example, it turns out I really like maps, with 308 of the 2,580 or so images ending up with the tag ‘map’ which are almost all, if not actual maps, do at least look cartographic in some way.

The vast majority of the most common tags I ended up with were the same way - the tag was generally applicable to all of the images in some way, even if it wasn’t totally obvious at first why. However, it definitely wasn’t perfect. One mistake I noticed was this diagram of roads tagged “rail” - and yet, I can see how a human would have done the same.

Another small criticism? There was a lack of consistency across tags. I can think of a few solutions, including resubmitting the images as a group, making the script batch images together, or adding the most common tags to the prompt so the model can re-use them. (This is probably also a good point to note it might also be interesting to compare results with other multimodal models.)

Finally, there were some odd edge cases to do with colour. I can see why most of these images are tagged ‘red’, but why is the telephone box there? While there do turn out to be specks of red in the diagram at the bottom right, I’d also go with “black and white” myself over “black”, “white”, and “red” as distinct tags.

Worth doing?

On the whole, though, I think this experiment was pretty much a success. Tagging the images cost around 25¢ (US) in API usage, took a lot less time than doing so manually, and nudged me into exploring and re-sharing the archive. If you have a similar library, I’d recommend giving this sort of approach a try.

[emma-radfemcanu]

Hi you’re my favourite blog on tumblr and I’m always too scared to message you but I really need a friend for a moment so I’m hoping I can borrow your ear lol

So yesterday was my 25th birthday, it’s also the 15th anniversary of me becoming a Swiftie (I got Fearless on my 10th birthday as a present, instantly fell in love), but instead of being at Taylor’s Eras Tour concert in Sydney (just a state over from where I live) I spent the night at home.

All this because the ticketing company for the Aus leg of the tour is dog shit. Im on a disability pension so I had literally spent years saving up for a chance to one day see her, I didn’t even go to see Harry Styles on tour bc I’ve never seen Taylor live (I’ve never seen Harry live either but Taylor is my priority). I spent 10 hours online trying to get tickets, I didn’t have anyone to help me so I only had one chance. I never once even made it into the online ticket lobby.

I’m actually so crushed. It’s been getting me down for ages but I was hoping that for the actual day of, I might be able to go out with a friend to take my mind off it and hopefully enjoy my birthday but all my friends managed to get tickets and so went to the concert without me. Also just to rub salt in the wound I didn’t get any birthday presents, which like I get it I’m an adult and my family is pretty poor but it still would’ve been nice to at least get a card. My Mum did cook me my favourite dinner which was nice and she and my Dad tried to cheer me up by insisting I watch the SpongeBob movie with them, I used to watch it as a kid whenever I was sick, and it used to work to cheer me up but yesterday it just reminded me of spending my childhood in a hospital and having no friends. So yeah I just feel really shit.

Sorry to dump all this on you but i can’t really talk to any of my irl friends about it bc for some bizarre reason they just say I’m being ungrateful (I don’t get why but that’s just how my friends are lol). I just had to get it out of my system you know? I hope it doesn’t bum you out too much. I spent some time scrolling on your blog and as always it’s cheered me up a great deal so thank you💖

Ok anyway if you read this thank you you’re the best, I’m gonna cry in the shower now lol (btw we have the same name which I think is really cool🥰)

Another rad Emma xxx

Hello! (I am v excited that I can finally answer asks again- I meant to contact tumblr support so many times but was afraid of getting termed, but I saw the beginning of this and it made me finally do it)

I'm sorry that you didn't have a nice birthday :( it sucks when you really look forward to something and then it doesn't work out. It is what it is but you shouldn't feel bad for feeling disappointed- even if your parents did make an effort I get why you would feel sad about it

And unfortunately you definitely weren't the only one who had this experience with Eras tickets- the sales were enough of a shitshow as it was lol, I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it must be trying to get accessibility tickets. And it was especially crappy timing for you with it being your birthday. I really hope that you'll get to see Taylor (and Harry) someday even if it wasn't to be this time

It was very sweet of you to say that you love my blog 💕 and I am always happy for people to send me stuff so please do if you want to talk!

(although just for clarification my name is not actually Emma haha, my url is a tennis pun)

[knightofameris]

hi ames !! long time no see!

was just thinking about you :] i don’t even know if you’re going to see this or respond to this, i scrounged around to find your blog cause i think you changed your url? if i’m not mistaken? sorry if i’m wrong! it’s been a long two years and life’s been really really busy. it really catches up to you, huh?

if you do respond to this, do let me know how you are! i really loved talking to you back then, more than you know :’) how’s everything going for you? what are your interests now?

oh yeah! i still think about that haikyuu fic you once recommended me KWNDWKDJ the fly high, baby! one. i came across it the other day and thought of you—maybe that’s why i’m doing this, heh. anyways i hope you’re doing well and that you’re drinking water and making sure your pillow is cool at night :)

see you around, lovely!

<3🧸

sent in April 5th 2023

Oh my god I’ve missed you! And everyone for that matter. I just thought what the hell I’ll check my inbox for fun. I finally logged into tumblr after a long time. I’ve definitely changed my pfp from haikyuu to genshin but I don’t recall changing my URL! (I’m not even that obsessed with genshin anymore lol)

It really has been a long two years… I’ll be 23 in less than a month and it’s crazy I started this blog at 19. If you see this my lovely teddy bear anon, I hope you also tell me how you’ve been!

The last two years was a blast, I moved out, worked, paid my own way through college and rent. I graduated, granted it took five years but I did take a bit off from university! And I am more than thankful. I’m still looking for a job, I’ve since moved home but my parents can no longer hold anything against me now. I might switch career paths from what I studied but I’ll stick to what I did for at least 3 years for now. I have a boyfriend of one year (plus two months!) now and he absolutely adores when I gush about my fandoms and theories. Vice versa when he talks about his interests (mainly video games and the best I can explain which is STONKS but like for CSGO [at least currently]). Literally he’s a man written by a woman that came out of my fanfic dreams. Oh and we play games with each other sometimes and watch all the anime xD

During the past two years I was pretty burnt out I had no obsession which made me extra espresso depresso. But I’m on medication and doing a lot better that I’m able to once again be obsessed with a fandom (main: one piece. Secondary: Honkai star rail).

And that’s the tldr! Adulthood sucks but my friends and I still text and catch up when we can. And my boyfriend lives about 30 minutes away which isn’t too bad for me :3 (pre moving back home and even now that I’m back home xD)

I think about fly high baby sometimes… I still have yet to reread it cus DAMN did that hit me in the feels.

I hope you’re doing well too. I hope life is treating you in the way it should! If you see this, pls let me know how you’re doing!!! I really do think about everyone’s whose paths have crossed with mine during this journey.

Sleep well <3

[avastivengrad603]

Week One

ANZAC day no class, out of class learning activities:

Examine the brief.

The Brief:

Objectives:

Assimilate, contextualise, and collate content.

Compile and organise relevant visual research.

Plan content and storyboard

Familiarise with the principles of animation.

Consider layout, typefaces, legibility, imported graphics and rhythm.

Become proficient in animating type and images, and publishing the files.

Design Task:

Using Adobe After Effects— design and create a kinetic type animation that works with, and enhances, the tone of a supplied audio clip of a historic, or public speech. Your animation should include a title at the beginning, and correct credits at the end - your name, year, and any audio credits. Final published mp4 file must be between 40 – 75 seconds in length, allowing room for a title at the beginning and credits at the end.

Digital Hand-in Deliverables:

Size – Full HD (1920 x 1080 pixels) Frame rate – 25 frames per second. Published using Adobe Media Encoder – in the mpeg-4 format. Upload final animation to the Assessments area on Canvas

URL for blog/research. (example: GRAD603.tumblr.com). This should include AT LEAST some research on speech and speaker, concept development, ideas, progress screenshots, storyboards, experimentation, and some reflection on design decisions.

Create a new blog for this module.

Listen to your randomly assigned speech.

Research your speaker.

Transcribe the text - check for spelling, slang, and stuttering.

Self-Directed Learning:

Task B 1.1 - Speeches

Task Outcomes:

Locate your randomly assigned speech.

My assigned audio speech is number 11 Benee backstage NZMA.

Research the speaker, or historic event.

Background about Benee and her audio speech backstage at the NZMA’s:

Stella Rose Bennett (born 30 January 2000), better known as Benee and formerly Bene, is a New Zealand singer and songwriter from Auckland. In both 2019 and 2020, she consecutively won Single of the Year, Best Solo Artist and Best Pop Artist at the New Zealand Music Awards at aged 19 and 20. Benee initially gained local prominence with her singles "Glitter" and "Soaked", before her 2019 single "Supalonely" saw international popularity following its success on the video-sharing platform TikTok and YouTube. Benee subsequently released her debut album, Hey U X, in November 2020.

Stella Rose Bennett was born and raised in the suburb of Grey Lynn in Auckland. She grew up in a "really musical" family with parents who would expose her to the catalogs of Radiohead, Björk and Groove Armada. From the age of eight, Benee began taking guitar lessons in primary school before starting saxophone lessons in high school. Eventually, Benee dropped all music in order to prioritise water polo. She claims it "was her life" and that she at one point hoped to represent New Zealand competitively. Benee later became interested in writing and recording music at the age of 17, after deciding that she did not want to pursue a career in water polo. Benee attended an all girls Catholic school, St Mary's College, where music was compulsory for four years.

My audio clip is of Benee backstage at the NZMA’s in 2019 at age 19 after winning Best Solo Artist and Single of the Year on the back of her incredibly popular debut single Soaked. She was also named the Best Pop Artist and Breakthrough Artist of the Year.

Transcribe the text in a word processing application (MS Word). Check for correct pronunciation, as well as the use of slang and stuttering.

Benee backstage at the NZMA’s transcription:

I feel kinda like a blank, like a blank page right now, like kinda like what the actual heck just happened to me. I’m gonna go and cry about it later. I’m a bit embarrassinggggg. I don’t know, I swore a lot, and then I was like oh my goodness it’s live I probably shouldn’t be doing that. Nah, but insane. I was like, I wanted to be a astronaut when I was 12 so like I would have no idea that I would be a musician, here, so no, nah-ah, never would’ve thought.

Task B 1.2 - Kinetic Type

Task Outcomes:

Find out how other communication designers approached similar projects. Research other kinetic type animations.

Upload examples of kinetic type that interest you to your workblog. Comment on why they interest you.

[thelukaskaiser]

Keep Going

Lukas’ Blog - January 1, 2023 - 5:30PM

Blogging isn’t really a thing anymore, but that isn’t going to deter me from re-starting this one. Sorry about that. I know it’s been a minute since you’ve engaged with one, so I’ll forgive you if you’ve forgotten what to say or do. Let’s just sit here for a moment and relish in the fact that we’re still alive - and both old enough to remember “blogging.” 

I remember the first time I found a “blog” - it was in 1999 - and I found the Livejournal of a graphic designer I really liked who was living in New York City. And in 1999, I was living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin - on the East Side, near UWM. If you’ve seen the movie American Movie, the place where Mark edits his film was about a block from my house. 

And in 1999, I was a hyper creative high school senior, 17 years old and entering into his final year of school, hoping to be accepted (early acceptance) to NYU so he could pursue his dreams of becoming a filmmaker / comedian / media person (which, hey, I was able to achieve - so that’s damn cool). 

And I was into comic books and indie toys and cool stuff and there was this plush toy I bought through Giant Robot magazine - which was a wildly influential magazine on my sensibilities and likes at the time (and hell, probably still is) - and the plush toy came in the mail and the tag to the toy had a URL to the artist’s blog. 

Not “Vlog” but blog. Because you couldn’t really host videos at the time. I mean, it wasn’t that normal for people to have websites either. I had a couple sites - I had taught myself how to make stuff in HTML - but I had never seen a blog before. It was a LiveJournal - and I was absolutely stunned. Blown away. 

Because I just sat there for days on end and read about this artist’s life. Mundane things and important things, triumphs and tribulations - and I was absolutely enthralled. That I could just see how a normal person lived - and lived, in particular, in New York City. Because that was where I wanted to live. 

And I would write down on paper the places the artist would go to - the restaurants, the stores, the bars. And I would just dream - dream I was with him - and feel less alone. 

Blogging wasn’t ever something I kept up regularly, but as a consumer, man, did I absolutely love the Blog era. I mean, we talk about Twitter and independent journalists and all that - but in the mid 2000s, I worked for and ran several blogs. And we were making REAL money - off of advertising and merch and other stuff - and it was a grind, but it was an honest one. And we had our own audiences and fans - and some of those people who became fans of mine from that era still follow my work to this day. It’s a trip. 

So, I’ve decided to blog again. In short bursts and longer bursts too. I don’t really care how many people read the “blog” per se - though it is important for me to publish these entries. I think that in addition to my various daily / weekly journals I keep for myself - my morning pages, which are like a brain dump right when I wake up, along with my “Simple Diary” - which is a regularly updated, quite personal record of my life for the last couple years or so, I want to begin to craft a public persona - one that I’m okay with sharing with complete strangers. 

I had a call with someone about a potential project - something I don’t want to share yet. And on the call, we began to talk about my experience in media and the entertainment industry and it was clear that I really don’t write down or share with anyone my experience. 

Now - that’s sort of normal to me? I feel like most people don’t document their lives - or at least they used to not? I suppose social media has turned us all into oversharers, certainly. But like, if you go to Facebook and look at some of the connections you have from your hometown - there are a lot of people who haven’t posted on their social media pages in years. Because this constant deluge of personal information isn’t normal. 

And, look, am I normal? No. I’ve always had a skewed perspective on life. I have pushed myself to self promote at many times throughout my life. It’s just that the last couple of jobs I had - my current gig at Westbrook and my previous gig at Viacom - were both sort of “insider” roles that worked best when no one knew the roles existed. The Viacom one was in part because there was a ton of writing we were doing - a lot of it comedy writing - but we weren’t part of the WGA, even though our shows were all signed to the union. 

We were just nameless / faceless “Creatives” - sort of ad agency model. 

And at Westbrook, working with public figures to craft their digital brands and personas is a very behind the scenes role. If you’re doing your job right, the public figure you work for seems to be generating this content and this digital brand from thin air, seemingly effortlessly so. 

Which - at times, is true (okay that’s never true). But at times it’s like, well if I tooted my own horn here, it would actually hurt my whole business model. 

Now - we have evolved what we do at Westbrook Media a considerable amount - yes we still help some public figures with their social media, but we mostly get paid to MAKE CONTENT. And I think just about anyone would know that making content takes a lot of effort - both hard effort - like writing and planning and editing and shooting and all that - as well as soft effort - like strategic thinking and positioning and making sure your clients are making the RIGHT content and not just making what they think is going to be hot. 

And I’ve realized that in both the hard and soft labors at my current gig - managing an incredible team of creatives who are truly some of the smartest and most innovative thinkers I’ve ever been able to work with - it doesn’t help anyone for me, as the boss, to set the example of being the humble behind the scenes guy. Because then everyone feels the pressure to have that dance - should I take credit? Should I not? 

It’s tough! But rather than “take credit” I think I want to try to begin to focus my energies on exploring the things I’m struggling with - the things I’m excited about - and using my work, and my experience, and my day to day life (with a lot of discretion) as the medium to explore these topics, knowing that my life may be a good example for other people. 

So - this is to say I’m excited to be back in the business of writing and publishing written content in this space. I will likely attempt to turn these posts into audio / video things as well at some point, though my space is not clean enough or well laid out at the moment, and the anxiety of showing off my messiness would be too great to bear and I’d explode into a million pieces or something. 

Regardless, I am in my space - and I am lucky to have a space to create things in. Both in my professional as well as my personal / creative life. And I do not take that for granted. 

I remember quite clearly the five years when I was living in my mom’s attic, working from home, constantly grinding to try to freelance and publish content and become a writer - and how painful it all felt - and how isolating it all was. 

Look - people definitely can go longer than five years to try to crack through - and I had some positive experience mixed in with those painful ones - but from when I graduated college, in 2004, until I landed as a junior writer/producer at Spike TV in 2009, I can say without a doubt I skated quite close to the edge of fully giving up on my dreams. And every time I tried to pursue something BIG or CREATIVE or IMPORTANT - like the screenplay I wrote with my former boss, or my stage play, or the podcasts I tried to launch at the time, or the sketches or digital content I was trying to submit, or the numerous late night TV packets I was writing and submitting every single day - it would always blow up in my face. 

Now, looking back, it was amazing that none of that stuff worked out - because I was clearing out my mind of all the horrible, bad ideas I carried around with me while getting the experience of DOING THE WORK… 

I was learning how to write screenplays and how to direct videos and edit and all that - skills I still use to this day, in a much more professional setting - but learning how to do those things in practical ways that school could never teach you. And thankfully, none of my output was good, so the cringe-y and stupid ideas I was churning out will hopefully never be seen by anyone. 

I can look back at my isolation and loneliness and anger at that time with fondness - knowing that I was growing so quickly, even though it didn’t feel like it. 

And maybe you’re at home, feeling like you’re hitting your head against a wall over and over again - maybe you’re publishing content that no one seems to care about, or you’re applying to job after job and no one cares. It SUCKS. I know what that feels like. 

But if you can somehow orient your mind around gaining those SOFT SKILLS in the process - and understanding that a few years of obscurity will allow you to be BETTER - well maybe it won’t be so painful all the time. 

The surprises in store for us in 2023 are going to be painful - it’s going to be extra hard for people to get things SEEN and to get things MADE. Our normal modes of selling content, our normal ways of distributing things to audiences - it’s all going to feel so lost and so pointless. So we damn well better focus on the GROWTH and not the SUCCESS. Because otherwise, I’m telling you, every day is gonna feel more painful than the last. 

And the goal of making stuff is to feel less painful - less judged, less alone. So if the stuff you’re making is just making you feel more lonely, more rejected, it’s gonna push you to give up your dreams. And that would be a damn tragedy. Because you never know who’s moved by your stuff - you never know who needs an encouraging word. You never know who’s at their wit’s end and feels utterly isolated and alone. 

Yknow, how I felt less alone as a teenager in Milwaukee, reading those entries back in 1999. In some ways, all the therapy and personal work I’ve done to transform myself over the last 2 or so years has done something remarkable - it’s made me actually REMEMBER more. And it’s given me a helluva lot of empathy for myself in those vulnerable and quieter moments. 

I kept a diary after I fell in love with blogging, with the hope of turning it into a blog one day. It was the year 2000 and I was a Freshman at NYU at that point. I lived on 10th street and Broadway in a dorm called Brittany Hall. Which at the time was the only dorm with no air conditioning.

We lived in these big, concrete rooms - 3 of us, me and my two roommates. And we were all so hopelessly depressed and horny. Wanting to meet new people - yearning for life - knowing we were at the precipice of a new life experience (which ultimately was 9/11 - which happened the next year - we just didn’t know it yet). 

And I kept this journal - and the entries were PAINFUL. They were overwrought and filled to the margins with grumpiness and sourness and angst and WANT and DESIRE. 

But they were fucking VULNERABLE too. And as I began to make friends - I had a sketch group from the Upright Citizens Brigade and we would hang out at Max Fish - and I had a job teaching kids writing and reading and became friends with my co-workers - and I got an internship at Mass Appeal magazine, and joined The Plague - our college humor magazine - as I began to form a more confident persona, I would look back at those vulnerable journal entries and WRETCH from embarrassment. 

And when I graduated from college, I hid those journals for a while - until one day, actually in 2010, a year after getting my “break” in the industry and in the process of moving from Long Island (where my mother had been living - long story, she moved from Milwaukee) to Brooklyn (to the place I still live in to this day in BK), I took the notebooks and, instead of packing them, I tore the pages of the diary entries to shreds and threw them in the trash. 

Because I was mortified that I was ever that lonely and desperate and in pain. Because it had been so long since I had felt that way. 

But now, 13 years later, I’m really, really mad at myself for having done that. Pain is a real feeling. We don’t find ourselves confronting “real” things that often. And I wish I could look back and thumb the spines of those notebooks and glaze my finger over my handwriting - which hasn’t changed in decades - and try to connect with that little boy who was in pain - and tell him it’s going to be okay. Because it was going to be okay - it was okay. He ended up being just fine. 

And I disrespected him by throwing away his journal entries. The ones he cared about. 

Which I forgive myself for doing, but man, do I regret having done that. We don’t so often leave ourselves a trail of bread crumbs back to our past experiences. So when we do - when we write in journals or keep up a blog or whatever - we’ve gotta cherish those things and let them be. 

This “blog” doesn’t have to be anything other than a dumping ground for missives and dumb ideas - again, a place where I can quietly shape my public persona, which I so desperately need to craft and then use for the next chapter of my life. 

But I’m not going to disrespect the space. I promise myself that now. 

Anyways, I’m going to do some other writing now - this was honestly really nice. Hopefully I can keep it up - and perhaps it’ll be something you find useful or helpful or interesting. And if not, then I’m sorry. 

By the way, the artist whose livejournal I fell in love with was Mumbleboy. It looks like his early entries are gone, just like my old journals.

[avoider-net]

Rebranding is hard

Even if it’s something barely anyone looks at, it’s something I spend quality time shaping and honing at my leisure. While I only do it for fun, it’s still something I pour a good bit of my soul into, which is why it’s worth considering somewhat seriously.

But for me, the thing that gave me difficulty wasn’t the rebrand itself since my old one was such a long edgy-ass name anyway, so this new one is a welcome change. What put my balls through a salad shooter was dealing with the main asset of the brand, which is the website.

Website

It was expensive since I had to get a new domain name — the very thing that made consider the rebrand in the first place. If the domain weren’t available and I didn’t fall in love with it at first sight, I would’ve stayed Avoiderdragon for at least another 18 years.

The blog has a decade’s worth of posts. They’re not a lot since I couldn’t be consistent with writing posts throughout the years, but there are some bangers in there with SEO that I didn’t want to lose. I had previously paid for the old domain for the next 10 years, and I did the same for the new one. The good thing with that splurge is that I could set up a redirect.

Unfortunately, the only real way for me to do that is to find a service that has better options for redirecting. My current hosting service doesn’t have one that lets its https domain redirect to my new one, so I had to route it to another service that turned out to have such an option.

I split hairs for a couple of days and spent thousands of pesos (which I can afford, so don’t worry) to finally find a way to make every URL in my old domain redirect to my new one and still be able to use whatever minuscule chunk of SEO I got for the past decade.

Perhaps this time, with a new and better brand, I’ll be motivated to write stuff that will get way more views so I won’t have to care about the SEO of the old domain anymore and I can finally put it to rest (and save some money).

YouTube Channel

The reason I really wanted a rebrand was so I could be assed enough to do something about my long-abandoned YouTube channel, which I stopped uploading to in the middle of 2018. While making videos has never stopped being fun for me, it stopped being so for that channel with that name due to mistakes I made along the way and all the toxic comments I foolishly deigned to read.

I gave it a long-delayed spring cleaning. I downloaded the old videos I uploaded there as far back as 12 years ago and then deleted them. It used to be my personal channel, so I had some really old stuff with my friends in them. As I counted down the years, it made me think that perhaps I really should’ve uploaded more, but I couldn’t do that just because I wanted to blow up because I know that would only result in shoddy work and questionable ethics.

Video is a lot of hard work, and I don’t want to fall into the trap of doing it just because I had to. This time around, I got a bunch of drafts I would like to try turning into videos I can be proud of. I think I’ll do that by starting over and redoing the videos that have remained in the channel. If I can improve on them, I know I can redeem myself.

Facebook Page

I live in the Philippines. Therefore, I’m on Facebook. That’s just how it goes. While I have multiple YouTube channels because I have no lick of sense, I have one Facebook page I upload all my vids and share all my blog posts to. I also share links and write statuses on it. I don’t expect it to blow up at all since it’s neither a meme page nor full of lewds that would attract eyeballs.

But I’ve had a couple of videos go viral in Facebook. That brings me some hope as while the YouTube algorithm is a cruel mistress and going viral on Twitter is basically setting yourself up for public torture, the Facebook algorithm seems to be a bit more fair. I should upload more on it and see if I can find some traction with more content.

I also used to stream on Facebook because it was easier for me to get an audience through it, no matter how small. But there’s no way to blow up as a streamer in that platform unless you’re a pretty girl playing Mobile Legends or a known online personality. And even if you’re famous on Facebook, you get up to a few thousand viewers at best, nowhere near Twitch numbers.

While its a surprisingly ok platform for video, it’s being superseded by TikTok. Even if Facebook now has reels, YouTube also has Shorts now, so its a double whammy against it. Meta lost several billion dollars this year due to what now-former Meta VR consultant and executive John Carmack would describe as “inefficient and fragile”. Just give the Meta Business Suite a try and tell me it’s not a convoluted mess.

However, Facebook is the only platform I was able to properly rebrand to Avoider.net with. All other platforms don’t take the dot on either the profile or the URL, and worse is some don’t take it on both (fucking YouTube). Perhaps the one sacrifice with this rebrand is that I don’t have a consistency with URLs on every social media channel like I used to.

(I also was able to do so with TikTok, but I haven’t been on there long enough.)

And before you say, “Why not just make it avoidernet?”, I counter that by saying that the point of having the dot there is to promote the website. Perhaps in the future, I’ll get rid of that separator and just have it be ‘avoidernet’ once I get over the need to promote the website through it, but that’s not going to be for a while.

Other Channels

If I get really active, I should post on other platforms like TikTok and Instagram. However, the caveat here is that minding more than two platforms is not recommended as you’d stretch yourself too thin and won’t be able to do your best work in the platorms that actually matter for your brand.

But if making shortform video content becomes a part of what I do, then I might as well give some priority those platforms as well. 

Conclusion

I can’t promise that I won’t be lazy. But so far, with this rebrand, I’ve been feeling quite motivated. Let’s see how it goes for 2023.

[zentloper-xmas]

Merry Christmas, all!

It’s time for another year’s wrap-up. Already? Already! Let’s start with old news and work forward. Technically, I proposed to Neil November of last year in 2017, but we were on a camping trip in the woods (Pinnacles National Park) all alone in the wilderness, so word has gotten out more or less gradually. Folks keep asking us “When’s the wedding?”; I’ll let you know when we know, haha. Our finances are pretty tied up in future plans, and the wedding is one of them.

To that end, the two of us were quite agreeable to temporarily moving into Neil’s folks’ place in Santa Clara in early May of this year. They recently acquired their new retirement home up in Rohnert Park in anticipation of eventual retirement, and thus have been staying partially there and partially here, and while they’re away we take care of the place. We both really appreciate the lower cost of living and the room to spread out a little. (Julie jokes I own more stuff than they do... and maybe she’s right; I’ve always been a pack rat. Thanks, Dad.)

David and Julie also recently celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary in September with a delightful frolic (they’re big into the Contra dance scene in the Bay), which also gave us the chance to visit with his sister and brother-in-law, Martha and Chase, who came for the occasion. Matt and Val (Neil’s uncle and aunt) visited us for a Thanksgiving banquet with his grandmother Jane, and Ruth (Neil’s other aunt) shortly thereafter for Hanukkah. We also had a nostalgic trip to Wente Scout Reservation with my parents over Labor Day Weekend, enjoying kayaking, sailing, and even stand-up paddle boarding on the lake. So it’s been a good year for seeing family, which is always nice. Another memorable event that allowed us all to gather was my brother’s wedding to his fiancée Shawna in June, at a gorgeous garden venue in San Andreas. Since then they’ve moved up north to Washington state, where some of the rest of my extended family resides. The distance makes me miss them, but technology (texts, apps, and social media) at least keeps us “close.” =)

Speaking of, I convinced Neil to finally get a iPhone. His old one wasn’t cutting it on the job; since he assumed “Acting Manager” at his Schwan’s depot, he’s been handling a lot more calls and general communications among staff. It’s a lot to handle, but I know he’s doing a stellar job and I’m super proud of him. With any luck they’ll give him the promotion he deserves! Meanwhile my ex, Mike, managed to score himself a gig at none other than the mighty Facebook! Wow! He and I like to keep in touch and hang out from time to time, including attending D&D games with our pals. I recently changed jobs myself, I’m now a Student Assistant at the Global Leadership Advancement Center at SJSU. Just part-time administrative/clerical work for while I’m still in grad school. We’re in the midst of finals right now (and I can’t wait to put Finance behind me, lemme tell you!), but then I’ll officially be halfway through the program. I’m set to graduate May 2020.

I’ve also still been indulging my creative side. In April I took a weekend-long pinstriping course— you know, those nifty multi- colored intertwining lines you see on classic cars and hot rods? I bought a lot of brushes and paint to continue practicing at home (you should see the old family van), and I even attended a convention where I got to sell some knick-knacks I’d “striped.” And in November I took a class on Mosaics. If you want to check out some of my work, you can visit this URL: https:// bayareapinstriper.tumblr.com

Sorry, not sorry, for the shameless plug. LOL. Hope everyone is well this holiday season!

-Rick and Neil

[m-talks-shit]

29/10/22

Hi, my name is M, or at least that’s what I will call myself on here. There’s no reason I don’t want to reveal my name, I don’t even expect anyone to read this, but I do find the animosity fun.

So if you read my url you know what this is about, but let me explain why I’ve decided this. Yesterday, I quit my job. My shitty, demeaning job that I’ve stayed at for over 2 years, working under a sexually harassing, disrespectful, immature boss who absolutely did not deserve me running his whole business everyday.

A few weeks ago, on the 7th of October 2022 I turned 18. I thought it was going to be this massive turning point in my life but it really wasn’t. I already drink, smoke and work full-time, there’s not much there that changed for me, only difference was that now it was legal. I didn’t even celebrate until the day I quit my job, it was the day I had a little joint birthday celebration with 2 of my closest friends, let’s call them E and Y. Y also had her 18th birthday on the 18th. I decided to cut it short however because i had a terrible headache and wanted to sleep it off.

I went to sleep around 7 and woke up at 9 to a call from my boyfriend. I was meant to see him that night. I declined the call, he’s used to it. He doesn’t take it personally anymore, he’s a major night owl and stays up until dawn whilst I prefer to sleep at a normal time and wake up in the morning, mainly because of my job.

I woke up again at 10 from a call from my boss. I answered and the regular conversation pursued, he yelled at me for something I did which he had never had a problem with before and blamed me for everything that might’ve gone wrong, even if I wasn’t there. I finally had enough, I hung up and had a talk with E and Y. After a lot of tears, I decided that I would finally get away from that place. I texted my sister, who is dating my boss (that’s how I got the job in the first place, I became the manager after she left to work somewhere else) and told her that I’m no longer going to spend another minute working there. She must’ve told him because he didn’t contact me at all when I didn’t come to get the key for the business.

Anyway, enough backstory. The point of this is that I took that one small step towards bettering my life, and it made me feel so incredible, I just want to do more. I always made the excuse that my work makes me too busy to enjoy my life and be a better person but I don’t have that excuse anymore, I have infinite free time that I can choose to use however I want to and it feels fantastic.

I’ll let you know right now, this isn’t going to be one of those blogs where people just post about their perfect lives and how everything is going great for them. Writing this right now is a real person with a crazy amount of issues that I’m sure will be revealed in due time. This is a safe space where I document how I’m doing and who knows maybe it will even inspire other people. Until then I’ll keep writing, I don’t know how often or for how long because I’m terrible at keeping a routine, I don’t even remember the amount of times I tried to journal and failed after the first week. However long I’m here, I will never tell you a lie and I will never be fake.

[jjongho]

seonghwa ∙ 220803 ∙ show champion interview

[sevikasleftpussyflap]

Heyo! Just randomly found your blog and i CAN'T with the URL, all the chefs are kissing 😩👌

Might I ask how you'll think yandere!sevika if her sweetheart is totally cool with just being at home and is introverted by nature (chill with not socializing)? Stay at home? Hell yeah. Not talking to anybody besides Sevika? Sure.

Love the annoying reader, btw. You write Sevika so freaking well, by the gods.

Thank you and sorry for the long write!

- A

Thank you! Don’t apologize, I absolutely love asks like this. I’m always craving some yandere Sevika too

Okay but the idea of Sevika referring to her partner as “her sweetheart” has me dying that’s so cute. Her using older phrases to refer to her lover!!! I can see you getting annoyed when she calls you her “main squeeze”

Also her referring to you as “the one I hate the least”

Now, onto your ask.

Warnings: obsessive/possessive relationships, mention of kidnapping but it’s brief. Brief NSFW but nothing detailed.

Sevika’s overprotective and itching to have someone to protect and give her a reason to maim people, show off her strength and status. You’re a recluse and desperate for someone to help you avoid interacting with the public. You fit together beautifully.

Your quiet nature made it easier for her to target you and keep you isolated all to herself. She made sure that you noticed how people would avoid you when she was near, so you started following her around and associated her with safety.

Probably started an unlikely friendship. She would invite you out to get drinks about a hundred times until you finally accepted. Pestered you the whole night to just sit on her lap so you’d stop anxiously looking around to make sure people didn’t get too close.

“I told you. No one’s dumb enough to try anything with you on my thigh.” Her low, timber voice somehow drew your focus away from the loud music and noisy crowds that were congregating at the bar. Your new friend had taken the liberty of holding you against her with her hand on your waist, attempting to comfort you with light caresses. There was nothing comforting about this woman who you’ve seen dismember people for making her drink wrong.

Yet for some reason, she’s taken a shine to you. She wants you to feel safe with her, come out to get drinks with her even if you don’t talk, and boy, did you not talk the first time. You had been fed up with her pushiness and lack of taking no for an answer so you had agreed, planning on being the most unpleasant company she’s ever been in. When you bothered to respond to her, it was curt, harsh words that seemed to amuse her more than anything. Sevika had eventually let you both sit in silence while she bought you all of the food and alcohol you could want. The silence became hospitable, easy. You would still have preferred to be at home but a small part of you aches for companionship.

Which is how you’ve been roped into regular dinners with her, your new best friend.

“That you did.” You feel her eyes cut to you, see her signature frown deepen from the corner of your eye.

“What’s the best life you can imagine for yourself down here? Stuck in your partner’s house, waiting for them to come home like a dutiful little pet?” Sevika has an alarming curiosity with your romantic life, or the possibility of what it could look like if you ever got one. She often made forward and intrusive comments about your lifestyle. How you survived down here, how you planned to live a successful life without leaving your house, if you ever gave thought to being someone’s sugar baby just to avoid interactions with the public.

“Sounds good to me.”

After far to little time, she makes you the offer. She surprisingly doesn’t expect sex from you soon into the arrangement, but you’ve been attracted to her for a while and initiate the next step in your relationship. Sevika didn’t need to be convinced and got you to scream for her, made you tell her all of the things you liked, how she was making you feel, what you wanted her to do next so she could hear that sweet voice you so often deprived her of.

You being introverted makes her life so much easier. She enables you and gets you whatever you need.

Would probably show you more affection for not making her worry. She knows she can come home and find you safe and needy for some attention. She’s your only source of human contact and she loves that because it means you’re reliant on her in yet another way. You wait for her at the door to get off of work like a dog, flinging yourself into her arms to give her some sugar, as she calls it. The only time you don’t greet her is when you’re angry at her but you eventually relent because she’s your only friend.

Sevika isn’t exactly a social butterfly herself. You’re also her only friend, and I hope you like to play cards because she’ll make you play with her. It’s her favorite game yet she’d much rather spend time with you than random men at the bar. You’ll see a chattier side to her than usual as you become the only person worth seeing in her eyes.

“Rotten luck, babe.” Sevika swiped the cigars that were piled up on the middle of the table, bringing them towards her growing mountain of winnings. Cigars, candies, even your books and art supplies she had included in the bet for shits and giggles and to, “get you to actually try.”

You barely stifled a sigh as she began dealing again. Using the word, ‘excitedly’ to describe Sevika’s actions felt wrong, but for her usual behavior the word felt like an apt description.

“I even gave you some tells there, hon.”

Since she doesn’t have the opportunity to be overprotective of you in public as often, she’ll start fights just at the mention of your name. They have no reason to talk about you.

The times you do want to get out though, she gets moody and inquisitive. She’d offer to bring whatever books you want back but you insist you love the feeling of browsing for books in a bookstore. She’s more on edge and is as mean as she can be towards everyone else.

(Master sass came up with this one) Using her to get rid of people you don’t like. If someone’s being too chatty with you, all you have to do is exaggerate a little to Sevika and she’ll make sure they never bother you again. Sevika’s status also keeps people from interacting with you, which you adore. You’re truly a match made in Hell.

Guilt tripping you when you do want to leave. Voicing her rare desire for cuddles. “C’mon, sweetheart. Let’s stay in. Don’t you have a book lying around here somewhere? I’ll let you read to me.”

Reading her a horror/thriller book and making connections between her actions and the murderer. “Ha, I do that.”

Or noticing how you two fit into the roles of the kidnapper/kidnapee

“Wow. This book is making me realize some things.”

“Yeah? You want to start buying your own groceries again?”

“…Now that you mention it Stockholm syndrome isn’t that bad-“