#but damn idk i miss having feelings like that lol even if it wasn’t reciprocated

[t-t-p-d]

/

[arlowthenacho]

that funny feeling

(carmen berzatto x reader)

summary: you thought carmen berzatto was just a hookup. a fuck-buddy. key word, you thought.

warnings: cursing, allusions to sex but not really? its only mentioned a couple times. no smut, intended lowercase, if theres anything i missed plz let me know !!

wc: 1.1k

a/n: arlow thought about carmen spoon feeding them and made it angsty lol. this is rlly short but fret not !! i think this is gonna be a 2 parter, possibly 3 parter? idk, but i think its gonna be a series lol. anyway, enjoy my lovelies !! 🫶🤍

it started as a one time thing. a one-night-stand. a meaningless hookup. something that would and could only happen once.

until it happened again. and again, and again.

because carmen berzatto was a drug, and you were addicted to him. you craved him like lungs crave oxygen, but you weren’t sure that the feeling was reciprocated.

because if carmen berzatto was a book, he’d be written in code. scrawled in a language you didn’t understand, in writing to confusing to decipher. because carmen berzatto was nothing if not confusing.

a sudden vibration on your nightstand pulls you from your thoughts as you swipe open the screen. a text from carmen. shit.

carmy 🧑‍🍳

you up?

fuck. shit, shit, shit.

you quickly sit up and type back a response.

yeah.

you hold down the backspace button. too simple.

i wasn’t until you woke me up

pop. too accusatory.

i am now. whats up?

good enough.

you click send and set your phone back down on your bed, waiting for a response.

bzz.

the reply was almost instant. maybe that scared you a little bit.

your finger hovers over the screen, debating whether to open the text now, or just forget about it until the morning.

the former won.

carmy 🧑‍🍳

can you come over?

oh. oh.

you don’t know why you expected anything different. it’s not like you were dating him. even though you wish you were. in his eyes, you were just a casual hookup who he occasionally called for something not relating to sex.

you heave a sigh and shift your eyes back over to the phone in your hands.

yeah, ok.

sent.

you don’t really care if it sounds passive aggressive, or angry, or disappointed or whatever else it could sound like to him. to be quite honest, you just want to get this over with.

you quickly change out of your pajamas into something more presentable. a white sweater, blue jeans, throw in some lacy undergarments and you’re heading out the door and into your car.

you turn on the ignition and start the short drive to carmy’s apartment. you have his address memorized, (which you will deny is creepy until your dying day) so you don’t need to use a gps.

you turn on some music and try to distract your racing thoughts. its not like this is the first time you’re meeting him. no, far from it. but you don’t think your brain has processed that yet, because your heart is pounding and fluttering like a bird caged within your chest.

you finally make it to his apartment after what feels like an hour, and you’re standing—quite awkwardly—at carmen’s door, your fist hovering over the wood hesitantly.

after a full minute of standing at the door with your arm raised, you decide to bite the bullet and knock on the damn door.

so you do.

and he answers instantly. like a fucking gentleman.

his hair is tousled, and he runs a hand through it nervously. his eyes somehow look even more blue in the shitty light the hallway of his building provides, and it’s driving you crazy.

he is gorgeous. he is perfect. he’s all the synonyms for beautiful you can cram into one human being.

“hi,”

carmen’s voice is deep and gravelly, still thick with sleep even though he’s probably been awake for some time now.

“hey,”

a beat passes.

“can i-?”

he jolts up from the doorway he was leaning on.

“oh, yeah. shit—yeah, come in. sorry.”

an apron is tied around his waist, a gray sweater fitting loosely around his frame. it makes his eyes appear bright, like gleaming pools of sapphire that you want to spend every pretty penny on.

nonetheless, you smile politely and step into his apartment.

no matter how many times you’ve been here, the first thing you notice is always his bookshelves. more so, the books. cookbooks, magazines, culinary textbooks and newspaper articles litter his floor and decorate his walls.

the second thing you always notice is his ever-growing collection of denim. jeans and jackets make up most of his wardrobe, and are crammed into whatever space he could find.

after looking around his small apartment, a smell hits your nose.

its…pasta?

no, that can’t be it. you were just here to fuck, right? the food was probably for someone else. for work, or somebody he wanted a real relationship with. not you.

the thought left a bitter taste in your mouth.

you sigh, disappointment crashing into your heart like waves against rocks for the second time tonight.

despite that, you’re the first to break the silence.

“aren’t we going to your room?” you cringe at the tone of your voice. it sounded exactly how you felt. disappointed, hurt, maybe a little bitter.

“what? sorry, couldn’t hear you.” carmen leans down to you to hear better, his breath a faint whisper against your skin. your breath hitches.

“aren’t we going to your room?” you repeat, a tad louder than before.

“oh. no, no, no. no, that not—that isn’t—” carmen seems to be at a loss for words, and he feels like a total dick.

“we aren’t?” you’re confused, but hide it well. you raise a brow pointedly. “then why’d you ask me to come over?” for the first time in a couple of minutes, you notice where you followed him.

“i—just,” he searches around for something.

a spoon, full of some kind of red sauce. he cups his hand under the utensil to catch anything that drips, and urges you to come closer.

you’re in his kitchen. his safe space. his fucking sacred space.

and suddenly a wave of confusion and frustration and hope is erupting within you. so many emotions and so much fucking hope. hope that this could be something more. hope that maybe you were wrong. silly, foolish, childish hope that enthralls you completely in its deceitfully warm embrace.

he’s still holding the spoon to your mouth when he speaks.

“can you try it? it’s something for the bear. for the new menu. wanted your opinion on it.” he looks nervous, like he wasn’t the one who invited you over. like he isn’t currently the one lighting your cheeks ablaze and causing your to heart implode under the sheer force of your adoration for him.

“oh, um, yeah. of course.”

he smiles. a close-lipped thing that makes you want to kiss it off of him.

you move to take the spoon from him, but he gently shoves your arm down against your side, says “open up,” and puts the spoon in your mouth.

the food is great. more than great. but you’d be lying if you said you were paying attention to that.

because carmen fucking berzatto just spoon fed you. like a couple.

and now the domesticity is crushing you, mind, body and soul.

because you’re in love with carmen berzatto.

and by some miracle, he might be in love with you too.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #283

“if teardrops could be bottled, there’d be swimming pools filled by models”

How much would you tip a waiter or waitress for good service? I honestly don’t even know the proper etiquette of tipping because I almost never ever have been in a sit-down restaurant where I’ve paid because of the whole “I don’t have an income” thing. If for whatever reason I did, I would have asked the person with me how. I do (maybe…) believe however that there should be a baseline for how much you tip, even if your experience is somewhat unpleasant. You don’t know what that person is going through that day. If it’s just pure awful, then I might not tip at all, but I think I’d honestly feel way too guilty. Who is your favorite character from the television sitcom Friends? I don’t watch it. Whose name might you have tattooed on your body? None. Well, I guess if I had hypothetical kids, I might, especially as a tribute if they died. What is something that you always need to leave plugged in? I always at least have my laptop charger plugged into the wall, but not always into my computer as to not totally kill the battery. I just need it a lot because I’m only always on it. Who might you send a selfie to? I don’t send them to anyone, really, save for specific occasions. I just take selfies once in a blue moon to change my Facebook picture, honestly. I feel weird just sending people pictures of me because I feel like I’m screaming, “HEY LOOK AND COMPLIMENT ME!!!!!!!!!”, so it makes me uncomfortable. I only did semi-recently because my friend did my makeup for a Halloween shoot and for once in my goddamn life I felt really pretty so sent it to Sara. Name an item in or on your bed every night. My phone is on the right upper corner of my bed so I can check it when I wake up; I always wake up throughout the night and wanna know what time it is. Out of your work shift, how much time do you spend doing “actual work”? Well one, define “actual work,” but odds are almost zero because I don’t have shit to do. How long do your New Years resolutions typically last? I don’t make ‘em. Who would you call first after getting engaged to tell them the news? Most likely Mom. What’s the song that reminds you of the person you like?Okay so deadass I listened to NSP’s “Wish You Were Here” cover recently and kinda cried lol. Are you good at holding back your tears? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love? My goddamn sanity. How many jobs do you have? None. Do you have any memories you want to erase? There’s one occasion with Jason I wish I could forget so, so badly. Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? No. I don’t believe in pre-determined destinies and such, and thus I don’t see anything as “meant” and “not meant” to be. Do you believe in destiny? Wow, good timing lmao. Do you believe that things will get better? I like to think so. Have you ever drunk dialed someone? No. Have you ever worn a tiara? Haha, I think on my 18th birthday maybe, my friend Summer came with us to dinner and brought me a birthday tiara. If someone offered to take you out for your birthday, where would you decide to go? I almost always go to Olive Garden for dinner. But, after trying the Cheesecake Factory for the first time… *eyes emoji* If you plan to have kids, what will you tell them about Santa Clause? I’m not having kids, but hypothetically, I’d let them believe it. It’s so magical as a kid and brings so much excitement. I’d tell them the truth when it feels appropriate, and if I know they’re not the type to go telling other kids for no reason “HEY MY MOM SAID SANTA’S NOT REAL SO UR DUMB.” I’d be damned if they ruined it for other children. If you have ever been employed, have you ever been attracted to your boss? What about a co-worker? Not that I remember. Do [would] you avoid kissing your [possibly hypothetical] significant other when you or they are ill? Look man I made out with my ex while he was recovering from bronchitis before we knew it wasn’t contagious so OOPS yeah because I am 110% the “if you’re sick, I’m sick” dumbass all the while going FULL Mom Mode taking care of the person. What was the last thing you bought, other than food? With my own money, that is a daaaamn good question. I only really use it/am given it for food. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? No. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? Do you know what that person is doing at this moment? My mom. She’s in the living room watching TV, probably. Think back to the last time you cried, or felt like crying. Who or what helped you to feel better? My mom. Do you own any accessories with your name or initial on them? No, they don’t appeal to me. Is there someone of the opposite sex that knows everything, or almost everything, about you? I would say Jason, but we haven’t seen or spoken to each other for almost four years, and I’m a much different person by now, and I’m sure he is, too. Do you remember the last time you cried because you missed someone? A few weeks back I had a breakdown over Jason again. My PTSD was and still is being pretty rough lately. Are your eyes the same color as your sibling(s)? Just my brother. Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents, or someone else? No. What’s your most noticeable flaw? Thinking about it, probably my extreme aversion to conflict. I will BOLT from confrontation. And what’s your best feature? I’m extremely empathetic. Have you ever hallucinated? Yeah; I would see shadows move when I was coming off a certain med. Do you have fangirl-ish tendencies? ………………. Have you ever replied “OK” when someone confessed they liked you? Wow, no. Either admit reciprocated feelings or gently turn them down. The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, or The Beatles? OHHHHHHHH BUDDY. Led Zeppelin, I think… but maybe the Stones. Idk. What would you do for immortality and infinite youth? Nothing. Would you rather have a pool or a hot tub? A pool. Is your handwriting legible? Yes. Well, some people find it slightly difficult because it’s kinda fancy. Have you ever held a baby chick? Yes! Do you think ‘everything bagels’ are disgusting? I’m not a fan. Do you live with anyone that you try to avoid at all costs? No. What did you last get upset about? How incredibly fuckin weak my body is. When is the last time you personally made someone else cry? I don’t know. How many more people do you think you’ll kiss before you die? Hopefully only one. I do NOT want to deal with anymore heartbreak, nor do I want to waste anymore time with someone I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with. Are you more spiritual or religious? Spiritual. Ever been to a rave? Nooooo, most definitely not my scene. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? No. Song playing right now? I’m listening to “PRESIDENT X” by 3TEETH rn. Have you ever laughed at someone because they had a funny name? No, that’s incredibly rude. Speaking of names, why do celebrities always call their kids stupid ones? They’re not all “stupid”…? There are some beautiful names I’ve heard. It’s none of my business why others’ children are named what they are. Do you get car sick easily? I don’t. Do you think you’re a good conversationalist? Why is that? NO. I’m just awkward and don’t know what to talk about or what to say back to people a lot. Awhile back though my friend Ian told me I was actually a really nice one and it meant a LOT to me. Hearing someone say that reassured me a little bit. Have you ever been on a float in a parade? What were you doing on it? No. Have you ever been in a helicopter? No. Have you ever had chicken pox? No. Who is your favorite animated character? Oh boy that’s hard man, idk. Maybe Ninetales, at least aesthetically. Idk about as characters themselves. Is it easy to make you gag? Yeah. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Probably Scar. Would you rather have a pet crocodile or a pet octopus? I deadass kinda want a caiman lol. It’s something I doubt I’ll actually do, though. Do you like Ritz crackers? Yeah. Do you have any designer clothing? If so what brand? No. Were you afraid of the dark when you were little? Not very, no. What are your opinions on war in general? It’s fucking awful and could be avoided if people weren’t so goddamn hasty, selfish, and uncompromising, among many other adjectives. Do you like pretzels? Yessss, especially soft ones. Have you ever wanted to be a writer? Yeah, tons of times in my life on-and-off. Did you even vote? This is the very first year I actually did. I felt really bad for not acting, only complaining about my government, and “silence speaks” was heavy on my head. Did some research to educate myself, and I felt amazing afterwards. What is your favorite flavor of gum? Usually watermelon. Are you wearing any bandaids? If so, where and why? No. Do you currently have any bruises on you? No. Do you/did you like or dislike school? I always hated it. Are you currently wearing any lotion? No. Do you ever make recipes found online? What was the last one? I don’t cook, so… but there sure are some that look good. If you smoke weed, what do you usually do after you get high? If you don’t, what would you do if everyone around you were smoking? I never have, so I wouldn’t know. Haha, for the second half, sit there awkwardly… been there once. What’s the last thing you ordered online? The next Wings of Fire book. Starting Sunny’s story now. Tell me about your favorite dress. I had this spring dress in high school that was white with purple skulls on it in a floral design… It was really cute and just has a special memory tied to it. Have you ever slept in a waterbed? If so, what was it like? Yeah, that used to be considered “fun” as a kid. They’re not awful, but not that comfortable either, and if I remember well, it’s easy to get sweaty because of the material. How many floors does your house have? Just one. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes. Do you enjoy sappy love songs? Hell yeah I do. Do you ever buy the same shirt in different colors? Simple tank tops, yeah. Ever made out on a rooftop? Damn dude no I’d be paranoid of falling off lmao. One place you will never eat at? Arby’s. If someone went through your pictures, would they find a "bad" one? Nope.

[klance]

s6 rambles

Done with s6 after a century because I don’t have the energy to stay up until 2am to wait until it drops but here I am! Obvious warning but pls don’t read this if you don’t want s6 spoilers (I’ll be tagging future s6 posts with “#voltron s6 spoilers” like always) but also if you don’t like me criticizing the season heavily with very subjective opinions...don’t read 😕my perspective may not align with yours and that’s ok (that includes uhh sh*laddin hate lol though sorry)

Moving on

I think I’ll put my thoughts into bullets like I did last time so it won’t look so disorganized 😐

Sooo I’m gonna start out by saying after some consideration I realy...did not like eps 1-4 lmfao (except for the d&d ep). It was a number of things that did it for me: some parts were too fast paced, most characters felt out of character??, and do not get me started on the cringey unnecessary heterosexual romance moments...u know that post that’s like “that gay feel when you feel a sense of horror/foreboding when the piece of media ur enjoying starts suggesting tension between a guy and girl out of literally nowhere” ya I felt that all the way until lotor and alluras kiss lol

I’ve hated lotor since the first time he appeared in this show and i always had a bad feeling about him and now i know why. I’m glad my girl, gut feeling, has my back

I feel like this season really demonstrated how all over the place the writing feels sometimes once again. I think I needed a refresher from s5 but I feel like I’ve felt this since s3(even tho I loved s3). Just the weird back and forth between acxa and them and lotor and haggar, krolia and keith going to the place where they kept having flashbacks because I honestly do not remember if they explained why they were going there in the first place, and the black lion allowing both Keith and shiro to pilot them even though that shiro wasn’t....really shiro....and the blue lion in s3? S4? had rejected lance to the point he had to use the red lion like WHY only the black lion is like that why not the blue lion or every damn lion. idk I feel like this is just my frustration over lances shitty characterization boiling over

Contrary to all of this there were a lot of other things I enjoyed

Romelle

CORAN

allura being a literal goddess? Even though she was once again put through shitty pain and betrayal after everything :( she really did That and saved everyone for like the 500th time and fucking sent lotor to the shadow realm like he deserves to even know we all know his ass is coming back eventually

Allura and lances friendship. I cannot say it enough, just their endless support for each other since s3. And ya that even includes lances suddenly serious crush on allura which I think is really fucking cute although lol I’m hoping dw doesn’t pull what I’m thinking they will where allura feels forced to reciprocate lances feelings even though she’s never shown anything other than friendly affection to lance (like often happens with female characters in media and just heteronormativity in general ...)

The castle of lions being destroyed actually had me crying so fucking much I hate it

The animation, fight sequences, and dramatization in eps 5 and 7 were breathtaking. I’m pretty sure it was obvious but someone else worked on ep5 right? It just looked really cool and amazing and unique from other eps

That brings me to keith and shiros fight in ep5....we have only a little more backstory on their relationship since the garrison and it really only ever solidified to me their sibling relationship (if the blatant “you’re my brother” keith said....For the 2nd time wasn’t obvious) which is why I just cannot comprehend why people like them together and it only really make me think people that do like incest as well. Don’t even get me started on the age difference,another huge factor

They’re going to back to earth holy shit ;___;

Shiro pls be ok. Again

And that’s it overall I think I would give the season a 5 or 6 out of 10 because of all these things...again this is only my takeaway and I know everyone else will not feel the same! If anything I think I’ll need some more time to digest the season maybe rewatch it when I can to see if my opinion changes. But then again I’ve been here from the very beginning, through ups and downs so I really do feel like this season was just...in the very middle

What about you guys? Did you enjoy the season? Hate it? Miss klance? lol

[letterstotheone-whomilovemost]

7.2.2021

I had my first day at work today, well-- my new/old job. I started back at my old work place, slapping pizzas and delivering them. I worked for six hours and broke my shoe, haha.

I've been trying to keep myself busy, because you're so busy that you have almost no time to talk to me. It's lowkey starting to break my heart. I keep telling myself that this pain will be worth it, but it's so hard. I've gone 9 days without seeing you now. And in those 9, the last 5 you've barely even talked to me.

I keep asking myself if I did something wrong or maybe I'm just overlooking stuff. I don't know. My emotions have been really out of wack for the past couple of days. I think I'm just overthinking.

I keep crossing my fingers hoping I'll be able to see you tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow, every single night. No luck so far. I keep getting maybes, or possibly's.

I have so many things that I want to talk to you about but I just... can't. I don't want to talk to you about them and you take 8 hours to text me back. I miss seeing you in person. Damn dude, this fucking sucks.

I think I have like, the opposite of COVID. LOL, let me explain.

For the past couple of days my smell sense has been off the WALL with how strong my nose is. I've never been able to smell something across the house/room, until yesterday. It's been pretty wacky, good and bad smells. Idk why my sense of smell has gotten so strong but honestly, I kinda want it to fuck off. It's been fucking with my appetite and making me nauseous.

I'm off for the weekend. Hopefully maybe I can see you. I miss your embrace. I miss seeing you smile or even making eye contact with you. I love you so much and I just want to spend all my time with you and I know I can't do that yet but for fuck's sake man...

I want to at least know that it's mutual. It really hasn't felt like you've missed me an ounce since the last time I saw you. :(

I think maybe my brain is just getting to me, or whatever-- but I know one thing for certain and it's the fact that I fucking miss you.

My birthday is in 16 days. I hope maybe I can see you on my birthday. That'd be nice, haha. I won't get my hopes up though. You're just so busy all the time.

I always wonder what you're doing that makes you "so busy", because it wasn't like this until the whole situation where she threatened you to move in or you don't get to see your daughter anymore. Weird timing, I guess.. I don't know.

Can you tell that i just, don't know?

I really want to know, but I guess I'll never know.. haha.

People make time for the people important to them.

And i know that if you asked me to hang out tomorrow I would drop everything in a heartbeat. That phrase stands true for me, and anyone I've ever known. It makes me wonder if I'm actually important to you.

I'd kill for some reassurance, I don't want to feel this way, and I really don't want to come off as "insecure", because that's just not it. I just genuinely want to know that the way I feel is reciprocated. Everything kind of just changed so fast, and sudden. Everything was okay until one day you didn't text me back for over 24 hours. It makes me wonder. I can't help it, and I know you'd do the same.

forgive me, I'm blabbering and not making any sense. I just want my brain to stop bullying me. I'd kill to see you or at least hear you tell me how you feel.

i love you always, i really do mean that.

[chocfunk]

I'm feeling a little shitty. I should have vowed to spend time alone on my bday. For starters I had a fucking assignment. It was a good bday and I felt loved by my parents and a couple of people. Especially the girl i'm dating and she's wonderful.

But yeah someone I confessed to decided to reply on that very day, and it was pretty clear that she didn't feel the same way romantically, though I guess she just wanted to show that she wasn't uncaring or something but I really told her that she did not need to reply. I had anxiety for about a month but I stopped waiting and it felt good. Now it's back, and I feel a little gutted.

I replied really nicely like 2 days later but idk, I just feel like the air has been taken out of my sails.

I loved her for far too long, and honestly without much reason. I'm sick of being controlled by my feelings. It's really weird because I felt the feelings for her fade after confessing, I felt more courageous than I've ever been. I still had feelings but it became more of a glimmer. But now the glimmer has taken weight, it's sinking to pretty low depths. The light has also dimmed.

I told myself that my present, to myself, would be to close the door to the past, seeking help and realizing my visions. The first part was going really well. I don't have the will to really care much about (redacted) anymore but the one who made the end of my uni the worst time of my life, (redacted), also decided to msg me. I decided to see it all in a good way and not expect people to get my pain or love me in a way I expect. I handled it well. But the msg from (redacted lol) was just...idk. I was so glad to hear from her but also like I was wondering why I had to hear that on all days...but I guess well that's me.

Easiest guy in the world to shit on and keep around till he gets too emotional and explodes.

I can't keep being so negative. Her unrequited feelings doesn't say anything about me. And I don't even know why I felt so strong besides crafting the illusion and idea of her beauty in my brain. I really need to stop doing this.

It feels like i'm more scared of my feelings for her being an illusion than the feelings being reciprocated. I'm being aware of my thoughts and i'm realizing where the focus goes to, how the sad thoughts are made to reinforce the safety of loving her so damn much.

I don't even know the meaning of the fucking word, but I know alot more than most.

I need to let her go. I need to let it all go. I'm seeing someone wonderful now. But none of it truly matters. I have self love issues, loving others obsessively will do nothing for it.

A strong light source needs only light from the original source. It hurts when love isn't reciprocated, but to insist that I need her is an egotistical illusion, one that my heart is screaming for sometimes. I built her as an archetype of physical and romantic beauty, but I knew her more as a friend. I can't keep doing this.

I'm 26 years old and I can't be fucking arsed if someone doesn't like me back, and obsessing over shit like that is dangerous. But the more I talk to people, the more socialized my behaviour is to mope and mourn. There really is nothing I can do but let go. I've done my best for many, even the one i'm seeing now, except I care more and more about my mental health.

My birthday felt more like an exercise in saying thank you. It started with genuime gratefulness but I realized many missed my kind and loving words, they said it to me to get those words back even for a little while. I feel used by some. But I need to stop living in these feelings and live beyond them.

I am will that is utterly powerless. I submit fully to that eternal will. I can do nothing else.

I will recover, celebrate for real, ignore other people and give myself my gifts. Fuck all the illusions and distractions.

[rollychan]

Mwahaha...you asked for it. OK 2, 3, 6, 7, 9 oh man this is a lot 16, 31, 32, 33 uhhhh shoot 36, 39, 40, 44 you know what fuck it just do the whole damn list man (ps I can totes send you a shorter list this is ridiculous I just started reading the list of questions and this happened I'm so sorry)

Oh boy, I wasn’t expecting any asks on that meme anymore lol But I really wanted to do that one so thanks

Answers under the cut (bc I’m nice and won’t make everyone scroll down endlessly to finally get past this post just because I can’t keep it short for the life of me lol)

2. Favorite genre of fic?

I’m sorry that I’m so boring, but I have to say romance lol (because the right romance fics are so much better than most published romance novels). But I also love love love some other plot in it. Actually, I don’t think I really have a set favourite genre? Whatever speaks to me, basically? Many of my favourite fics aren’t really all that similar to each other. But I guess since I’m looking for romance stuff the most, it’s romance.

3. Favorite fandom? 

Another tough question because I am so very indecisive, I can’t have a favourite fandom. I love many fandoms. I mean, I guess I’d have to say Harry Potter because somehow, I’m always coming back to it because there are just so many quality fic in there if you know where to look. It’s kind of also kind of one of my very first fandoms and now I’ve been in it for so long, I can’t just abandon it lol

Just fandom-wise I really really love Haikyuu because that fandom is just so nice? I mean, I’m not all that involved in any fandom I guess, which is why I miss many things and conflicts (e.g. I only found out about all the drama in the MCU fandom re Iron Man vs Cap or the drama in the Teen Wolf fandom through people I follow lol), but the worst I have witnessed in Haikyuu is how some people gave thought-out arguments (without insults) why one character is or is not coded as a “villain” type character (there was/is a dispute about one character because some hate/dislike him and others defend him). And that’s it. Other than that it’s mostly “OMG I LOVE EVERY CHARACTER AND SHIP EVERYTHING” from almost everyone in that fandom lol (or “I don’t care what you ship as long as you let me ship my stuff, ship and let ship”). It’s just really chill. It’s also the fandom that really made me a poly-shipper. Idk, man, I love that fandom.

The Yuri!!! on ice fandom is also really nice. Those people sure like to discuss and explain things lol Also, almost everyone had, literally, the same reactions to the stuff happening in it. Plus, we got a healthy, loving, explicit same-sex relationship in an anime. That’s, like, a really rare thing. The only other genre-anime I know with an explicit same-sex kind-of-relationship is No. 6, and that relationship is so friggin far from healthy it’s not funny (sorry, NezuShi fans, I am a fan of them too, but their relationship throughout the entirety of the series is not healthy by any standard, which is totally explainable by the circumstances, but seriously, they’ll have a lot of growing up to do before it can be called healthy). Anyway, I digress.

6. Favorite fic (or one of them)? 

HOW CAN YOU ASK ME FOR JUST ONE

I shall give you MORE THAN ONE, because I can and I will.

Okay, so, first I just have to tell you about my first absolute favourite fic ever, which, I’m really sorry, but it’s in German and it’s a Yu-Gi-Oh! fic lol

It’s “Paw Prints - Pfotenabdrücke” by someone I’m actually following on here ( @goldandcold ) who is an amazing and talented writer and I really have to read stuff by her again asdfghjkl but atm I’m into very different fandoms and just *cries* I need more time so I can watch the stuff she’s watching and writing for lol can someone, like, gift me a hundred free hours? lol

Anyway, that fic has character death in it, which is something I usually avoid at all costs because I know myself and I know I’ll be depressed about it for at least a week if I read character death. I’m like that lol

But I did because I always make exceptions for writers I like. Well, it became my favourite fic, so I guess I can’t complain. I will always remember the last words in there

“Du bist quer über mein Herz gelaufenwie ein kleiner tollpatschiger Hund über nassen Sandund du hast überall deine Pfotenabdrücke hinterlassen”

which roughly translates to

“You walked across my heartlike a little clumsy dog across wet sandand you’ve left your paw prints everywhere”

asdfghjkl I just love those words, they resonated with me so much and asdfghjk *flails* yeah, first fave fic. (also, now I’m in nostalgia land)

Another favourite fic I love to come back to is “Eclipse” by mijan (Harry Potter this time, back then I read it on fictionalley, but the link doesn’t seem to work atm? Is fictionalley down?). I am still entranced every time I read it and whenever I start it I have to continue reading till the end because I just love it so much. The plot is so amazingly intricate and the character development is THE FRIGGING BEST I CAN’T and everything makes so much sense and asdfghjkl it is just very amazing ok. The amount of detail in that story *sigh* *must resist reading it now before all the exams*

Another two favourite Harry Potter fics are “All Our Secrets Laid Bare” and “Stop All the Clocks”, both by @firethesound. AOSLB is just amazing all around, okay, I even reblogged a rec for it here on tumblr (here). I just love it so very much omg *flails* The idea alone to make them investigate Death Eater safe houses and all the FRIGGING DETAILS IN IT!!!!!! THE DETAILS!!!! SO MUCH LOVE!!!! (yes the exclamation marks are necessary)

I wrote a rec myself for Stop All the Clocks here. Weirdly, it also has major character death in it. But, same as above, I do make exceptions for writers I really like. That fic destroyed me though. I absolutely love the parallels in that fic, too. And how it spans many years. Just. Very beautiful, very touching, very sad. Which is why it’s great that there is AOSLB. I also still have to read all the other fics because I just KNOW they’re ALL amazing

And I’m still not done with the fave fics, guys. I’m sorry I can’t keep it short *cough*

Moving away from Harry Potter... the next one is for Free! Anime again lol It’s, weirdly, another fic that doesn’t end all that happily for the romance, and the fic is “With Vega At Your Left” by threesmallcrows. It’s a different take on a soulmate AU. Like, when the person you’re in love with isn’t your soulmate. A side character also deals with an abusive soulmate. Basically, everything that can go wrong with soulmate marks. And it’s just so real. Trigger warning for attempted suicide though (and mentioned abuse - like, the abuser doesn’t appear in the fic and the abuse is only talked about and the repercussions dealt with, but nothing explicit). I love this fic a lot, but it gives me the sads.

Okay, I still have a few favourite fics but I think I need to stop here, I’ll just link to them:

The Fears are Paper Owls by yaboykeiji (Haikyuu!! Akaashi does time jumps to try to prevent Bokuto’s death - kinda like Butterfly Effect)

Savior by dgalerab (Haikyii!! / X-Men crossover - Haikyuu characters as mutants)

Safety in Silence by survivah (Teen Wolf canon divergent soulmate AU with the soulmate “condition” not necessarily being reciprocated, lots of Sterek pining and friendship and angst, really slow-burn and really sweet and cute, very fluffy too, awesome idea to make it different for different species! Also, werewolves and other species are known to humans etc)

Gravity’s Got Nothing on You by FairyLights101 (Teen Wolf Sterek pretend to be dating AU, also the-Hales-survived AU and Laura is an important character in that fic, and because the Hales survived, Allison also lives, double yay)

Seven Deaths by x-parrot (One Piece, no pairings (le gasp!), just Zorro+Sanji friendship, there’s violence (torture) in it, it’s not very explicit, but be warned)

Aaand I think I’ll stop here.

7. One-shots or longfic? 

I think, if you look at my favourite fics, you have the answer lol. Many of them are 100k+, so yeah, longfic lol I love the development that is possible in longfics. I do like shorter fic too, though in my mind, one-shot just means it’s all in one chapter... and there are 20k one-chapter fics out there, you know. But! I do also like short stuff, it just doesn’t really end up being among my favourites.

9. What is the longest fic you’ve read? 

Tbh, I don’t remember, but Eclipse is over 287k words long, and I’m not sure if I’ve read anything longer than that.

16. How do you feel about character death in fic? 

I think I’ve answered that somewhere in that novel above lol

Usually, I avoid it like the plague because I get the sads and am down for days afterwards. It’s not that I think those fics are bad or anything. It’s just that I want happy endings lol My heart can’t take too much sad. This doesn’t change even when I make exceptions, so that’s kind of the downside I have to live with when I do lol

In published novels and movies and series etc I don’t mind character death, but fic... well, fic are different lol

31. Do you read AUs? 

Yes! I used to avoid them, but then I guess some fic changed my mind lol I really love all them tropes, soulmate AUs, fake-dating AUs, police procedural AUs, you name it. For some weird reason I’m not all gung-ho about coffeeshop AUs. I don’t mind them, and I’ll read them if they’re good, but they seem kinda boring to me. (oh, and pls don’t come with a/b/o stuff at me, it squicks me immensely and I hate it)

32. Favorite AU tropes? 

Fake dating! Soulmates! Specifically for Teen Wolf: Allison lives! The-Hales-Survived! Idk, there are too many lol Well, my fave is still the platonic bed sharing one (not sure if that counts as an AU trope, since it could also be written in non-AU fics). I also seem to like time travel / time jumps / time manipulation.

33. Least favorite AU tropes?

A/B/O fics. I just hate them and I don’t even wanna see them, they squick me *shudder* I mean, to each their own, and I wish it at least wouldn’t squick me that much (it’s a physiological reaction, I get the creeps and it’s almost like I feel one step away from nausea - same feeling I get when I see reader x character fic, squicks me too and is the sole reason I never visit the teen wolf tag because it’s full of those), but it does.

36. Do you like crossovers? If so, favorite crossover? 

I do! But I’m kinda still new to them and they’re not my favourite thing, so I haven’t read many crossover fics yet. I really like that X-Men crossover fic I linked to, and I do like Harry Potter crossovers (like, the other characters as witches and wizards in a wizarding school). Other than that I’ve also read a really cool Criminal Minds/House MD crossover once, and a Criminal Minds/Supernatural one too, and they’re pretty cool. Guess I still have to figure out what I particularly like when it’s about crossovers.

39. Favorite AU fic? 

Savior by dgalerab, as I’ve already linked above :D

This is also the fic that really got me into poly ships. The relatioship between the four characters just feels so natural as it develops, it feels like that’s how it should be. It also deals with past abuse and there is 120% consent invovled. It’s just a really good fic ok

40. Do you like fluff?

OMG I LIVE FOR FLUFF

So, yeah, I do lol I mean, I do need other stuff in it too, but I absolutely do like fics that aren’t too serious and where the conflicts aren’t life-or-death or heavy on the angst etc. Like, slice of life kind of stuff.

44. How fluffy is too fluffy? 

There is never a too fluffy +_+

Okay, jokes aside, I do want a plot. A story isn’t a story when there’s no conflict, so that’s that. Though that’s the only requirement for me, really lol Otherwise it can be as fluffy as it gets.

I hope I haven’t forgotten anything lol

Rolly out

[mawkish-nights]

Work & shit

Fuuuuuuck man...so I've given up on Spence. Lol. Told him he was a tease and that I couldn't help but feel attracted to him, & he replied with "sorry". It was in that moment where I know that my feelings weren't reciprocated and I had to let this fuckin fantasy go. I kinda did, not gonna lie. I still obviously think about him now and then (looool now & then ok) and he still appears in some of my dreams, but it's not as intense. After going on the cruise and having some time away from him, I saw how easy it was to forget about him once I wasn't around him so often. Even though I only see him twice a week for a few hours now. Even in those few hours at work, I still feel myself smiling stupidly at his jokes. But...feels a little different now. I can look at him as just a person. Not someone who I want so badly...or have all these confused thoughts and nervous feelings when I'm near him. I think telling him how I feel & getting that reaction out of him really allowed me to snap back into reality & realize that it ain't ever gonna happen. There will never be any physical activity happening between me & Spencer. As much I would like to experience and get rid of this undying curiosity to kiss him, I'm gradually getting over it. He seems to be fully comfortable around me and hasn't acted any different since I told him. It's almost as if he's been friendlier than usual. I care about him, don't get me wrong. I really do. Not in a weird romantic way, but in a way where I appreciate him as a person. I'm gonna miss him a lot when we part ways, & that's mainly the reason why I find it so hard to quit Jimmy Johns. I've been feeling this constant nudge that I should really leave & quit, but I also try to push the thought away because I like my job too much. Yeah I fuckin hate it sometimes, but I think I'd hate every other place just as much or probably even more. Who knows if I'll have long deep talks with coworkers about random shit or watch H3H3 production videos or FUCKIN drink whiskey & beer at close and laugh my ass off at everything people are saying. I've made some damn good memories at work. & I think that's why most of the employees come back. Cause you're always welcomed back. It's like you've become part of a family that's extremely dysfunctional & dramatic but you still love them by the end of the day. Idk man, I have to pray about it or something cause I'm in a gutter. I love spending time with Spencer, but he also makes me wanna pull my hair out. The pay is great, but the environment is sometimes freaking horrible. My coworkers are cool, but sometimes I wanna punch them in the damn throat. It's a love hate. More love though. I love Kaeman too. He's awesome. I hated him so much at first but I grew to really love him over time. He has a certain humor that I really think is funny and I'm comfortable around him. & he makes me feel like I'm wanted there. He talks about how I'm a good employee and that he doesn't want me to leave when I think about quitting. Idk, sometimes I feel unhappy there but also I have some of the greatest laughs in that very kitchen. Laughs that I haven't heard in a really loooong time. It's stuff like that that I can't let go of.