#but did i live out all my grey’s anatomy fantasies on that very day?

[pollenallergie]

my favorite thing about working in a bio lab was that i genuinely had to wear scrubs at work one day, and my lab manager (work bestie) and i could not stop telling everyone that we had to go “scrub in.” like snndndndnd sorry can’t clean the equipment today, i’ve gotta go scrub in. later, suckers. *psht* *speaks into nonexistent intercome* hello, yeah, this is doctor cassie reporting for surgery, i’m gonna need helping putting my sterile lil glovies on.

[guess-my-next-obsession]

Peña’s Anatomy — Prologue

pairing: doctor au!javier peña x resident!reader

series warnings: reader has a vagina and presents as a woman, no use of Y/N, work relationship dynamic, age gap (10 years), enemies to lovers trope, future explicit content (this chapter is tame but others will not be so 18+ only), hospital stuff (injuries, illnesses, mild gore, trauma)

word count: 1.6k

authors note: after rewatching greys for the sixth time, i found myself imagining my favorite of the pedro boys as a doctor and decided it was too good of a fantasy not to write 🙈

series masterlist

The stupidest mistake you could have ever made for yourself was to switch hospitals in the middle of your surgical residency. Though your last hospital’s rank was quite mediocre and the town you’d been living in was far too small for an ambitious woman like you, it was familiar.

It was the same hospital you were born in, the same hospital you were stuck in when your tonsils were taken out as a kid, the same hospital you found yourself praying in when your grandmother passed away, and it was even the same hospital you did your clinicals at in med school. Hate it or love it, it was your second home—especially for the last three years of your residency.

But all good things had to come to an end at some point.

You needed to get out of your small midwestern town. Needed to explore and grow. So, when the opportunity came around for you to take a spot at a nicely ranked hospital in San Antonio, Texas, you (very) nervously accepted.

One month later, you found yourself sitting on a city bus, rain pouring down around you as if you were in the middle of a hurricane. You clutched your lunch box tightly to your stomach as you bounced your knee, the nerves of your first day on the job settling in with each passing mile.

You thanked the heavens that the public transport delivered you right at the doorstep of the hospital, only forcing you to have to jog the short distance from the bus to the sliding doors of the surgical department in the pouring rain. Somehow, even though you were only in the rain for less than five seconds, you were absolutely drenched when you stepped inside the building.

The air conditioning immediately hit you, your body shivering as you made your way to the nurses station. The young woman sitting on the other side of the counter typing away on her computer paid you little mind as you stood in front of her with a nervous smile. After a few beats of her actively ignoring you, you cleared your throat and gave her a friendlier smile as her eyes met yours.

“Can I help you?” Her tone was laced with irritation, quickly reminding you of all of your old high school mean girls.

“Sorry, uh, I’m here for my first day. I’m a surgical resident, I just had no idea—“

“Dr. Peña,” she perked up as her eyes locked with someone over your shoulder. You turned your head around to take in a very handsome man in a white coat walking over to the counter, his eyes crinkling as he smiled at the nurse.

“Jessica, how are you doing this morning? I hope you got some much needed rest over the weekend.” He winked at the young woman, the two of them ogling each other in a way that made you feel like an involuntary voyeur. You lowered your eyes to the lunchbox in your hands and waited for your turn to speak, not wanting to start your residency off by pissing off a nurse and a doctor.

“You know I didn’t.” She winked back at him, the two smiling at one another knowingly. You cleared your throat again, this time drawing the doctors eyes to yours. “Oh, yeah. She’s the new resident. Could you show her to the locker rooms and get her set up for the day?”

“Not like I have life-saving surgeries to prep for or anything.” He chided while giving your entire form a once over.

“I’m sure I can find my own way if it’s an inconvenience—“

“No, come on. I’m already walking that way anyways.” He both looked and sounded physically pained by your presence as he started off down a long hall, your footsteps speeding up as you tried to keep up with his long strides.

“What, uh, what’s your specialty?” You knew he didn’t want to talk—you knew that—but for some inexplicable reason, you couldn’t stop yourself from trying to ease the awkward silence.

He shot you a pointed look from over his shoulder and scoffed at your question with a chuckle, quickly turning a corner and weaving through the hallway traffic like an expert. You whispered apologies to the nurses you ran into while trying to follow the doctor, suddenly finding yourself regretting the decision to leave your old hospital.

“Peña, you look like a sack of shit today. Spend all weekend juggling nurses again?” A fellow white coat teased your guide as the two of you passed her in the hall. He chuckled and held up his middle finger without turning around.

“Alright,” he sighed as he gestured to a locker room at the end of the hall, hardly making eye contact with you as he stood by the door. “This is the resident’s locker room. Scrubs and stuff are in there. What’s your name again?”

He reached for a clipboard that sat in the basket hung on the door, plucking it out and scanning his eyes over the paper. You stumbled over your words as you studied his stern face, his jaw clenching as he read.

“I hope you’re not always so hard of hearing.”

“S-sorry, sorry. Just a little overwhelmed.” You watched as his eyes lifted from the paper to yours, softening just the slightest bit as he took in your anxious state. You told him your name and he nodded, dropping his eyes back to the sheet he was holding.

“Well, lucky for me, you’re on Dr. Neil’s service for the week. Have you been on an OB service before?” His eyes found yours again and demanded an answer, but you couldn’t get over the fact that he’d just insulted you to your face. After a moment of you not responding to his question, he sighed and hung up the clipboard. “I’ll take that as a no.”

“N-no, I have plenty of experience on OB. I have plenty of experience on every service.” You had to dig deep, but you managed to find your confidence—the same confidence that earned you the top spot in your class in medical school and the same confidence that got you the job at this very hospital. “Perhaps it’s lucky for both of us that I’m not on your service, Dr. Peña.”

You didn’t stick around to take in his reaction, mostly out of sheer fear than anything, instead choosing to walk right into the locker room.

“Oh, hello. You’re new.” A man your age passed right by you as you stood in front of the door, studying the layout of the locker room. He smirked at you cockily and leaned against the lockers, his eyes combing over your form. “Need help finding your way around?”

“I’d rather remain lost.” You gave him a condescending smile and walked past him, a girl sitting down on the bench behind him now snickering as you neared her.

“I think you and I are going to get along well.” She stood up and held her hand out, offering you a friendly smile. “I’m Mickey, you must be the transfer.”

“I am,” you smiled back at her and shook her hand. “Are, uh, are all the lockers open or do I get assigned one, or…”

“No, they’re a free for all. You can take this one by me if you want.” She pointed at a grey locker besides the one with her name on it. “Hope you brought a lock. We’ve got a real thievery problem around here.”

“Oh, yeah?” You chuckled and opened up the locker, stuffing your bag and lunch box inside of it before walking over to the shelves where fresh scrubs sat. After changing, you locked up your locker and slid on your work shoes, Mickey filling you in on the residents to avoid—like Michael, the man who so kindly eyed you up when you walked in—and the ones who were safe.

“Who’s service are you on this week?” She asked you as she walked you out of the locker room and into the hall.

“Dr. Neil? I think that’s what that asshole doctor said.”

“Who’s the asshole doctor?” She asked, turning her head to look at you as she walked with the same pace as Dr. Peña from earlier.

“Dr. Peña. He’s the one who brought me to the locker room.” She chuckled and raised her eyebrows, giving you an amused look. “What?”

“Dr. Peña is the Chief’s golden boy. I hope you didn’t get off on a bad foot with him. He’ll make your life a living hell.” You winced at her words, turning your eyes forward as you cursed yourself internally for giving him a taste of his own medicine earlier.

You knew it was a dumb idea to get off in the wrong foot on your very first day, and yet the man had drove you to the point of stupidity with his blatant rudeness. Now you had to walk on eggshells around the Chief’s right hand man for the next four years of your residency.

Great. Really worth it.

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[bluefurrsmemes]

A list of random Grey's Anatomy Quotes. Feel free to change pronouns if you need to.

"You do know what a human being is, don't you Evil Spawn?"

"I'm not evil. Unless evil turns you on."

"But, I mean, that's not a secret."

"You all knew who he was before you got involved with him."

"Woe is me, he doesn't call me back, he's dating other women."

"I'm sure that you would prefer your booty calls to be uncomplicated and void of feeling."

"I have feelings. I have a lot of them."

"So do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live?"

"And I love you. I love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you."

"Should we? … I mean, there’s a discussion that we could have… if you wanted to have one?"

"Be better than anyone here, and don’t give a damn what anyone thinks."

"My child punches other children…… fantastic."

"You never think about anybody but your damn self."

"Hardly. The only people who don’t know NAME loves NAME are NAME and NAME."

"He's very dreamy, but he's not the sun. You are."

"She asked me to tell you... She wanted you to know... that if love were enough... that if love were enough, that she'd still be here with you."

"...Do you think I'm too confident?"

"It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's all I know."

"That’s true! we have survived an unusual number of bad things!"

"I don't play favorites dear. Nepotism is for the weak."

"The automatic paper towel thingy won't recognize me as human."

"Have you tried telling NAME how you feel?"

"Yes! Just not out loud."

"I don't know what that means."

"But I do have some experience with losing people I love. And I say the right way to grieve ... is to however the hell you want." "This person is a whore, has always been a whore, and will probably always be a whore."

"And I want you with me. I love you, and I think you love me too. Do you?" "Yeah, NAME and my partner sometimes have sleepovers, in my bed, with me in it."

"Funny, isn’t it, the way memory works? The things you can’t quite remember, and the things you can never forget."

"You have a voice. So use it."

"Have you ever wanted something with your whole being but... there are so many obstacles it seems like you won't get it?"

"Life’s not supposed to be like this…it’s not supposed to be this hard."

"It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart I might not make it."

"It's easier to be alone because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it?"

"And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams."

"I make no apologies for how I choose to repair what you broke."

"Crap, my dad's tatted up skank isn't the bitch. I am."

"You want to have kids?"

"Have you met me? No!"

"They would still be our roommate if you would just apologize."

"You don't get to call me a whore."

"So pick me, choose me."

"Did you get a cat?"

"Your heart lives in your vigina."

"What if I'm not cut out for this?"

"What if I make them worse?"

"Okay, what's wrong with you?"

"I hope you told him it's an insane idea."

"So who wants to step into the future with me."

"I am such an idiot."

"I am not ready to be anyone's husband."

"I know, I'm saying you could have a husband."

"This was supposed to be a good day."

[fangirlexpress]

December 2022 Book Review (Part 1)

Believe it or not, I do have interests outside of the One Chicago & Grey's Anatomy fandoms lol One of my favorite pastimes is reading. I usually have an old-fashioned "tree" book in hand. I adore the written word. Fiction is my jam. Escaping into a fantasy world where anything is possible feels amazing!

I thought every once in a while, I'd share my thoughts about the books I'm reading. Please feel free to chime in with your opinions as well. I'd love to hear about your own favorite books. Oh, and send me some recs if you can!

I have read 16 total novels in the month of December. I am pretty sure I won't finish any more before the year is up but here is the first of two lists with a few thoughts on each book. Thanks for checking out this post & come back soon please for Part 2.

Dread on Arrival

I've read 2 or 3 other books in this series, and not one of them has impressed me. Like, at all. But this one was by far the worst of the bunch. The plot was terrible. There were about 200 hundred characters to try to remember, and if it was supposed to be a murder mystery, where was the damned murder, huh? It didn't happen until almost 70% through the book and the denouement was shoddily wrapped up. The best part about this book? Finishing it! I will not be reading anymore Claudia Bishop books from here on out.

Mary Anne's Bad-Luck Mystery

So, I have a little confession to make. I am an incurable "Baby-sitters Club" addict. There is no fix for me. I am hopeless as I am way past my tween years but still reading these books with no end in sight. My dream is to be Ann M. Martin and invent a series with characters as iconic and amazing as Kristy, Mary Anne, Claudia, and the rest of the gang. I mean, if only...

But I digress. We're here to talk about Mary Anne and her Bad Luck. This was actually one of the rare books I'd never read before and while I enjoyed it for the most part, I thought it paled in comparison to the epic spookiness of The Ghost at Dawn's House (book # 9). That book had meat and depth & moved important story forward. This was pretty silly, and kind of felt like a whole lot of something about nothing. But hey, not every book needs to be deep and heavy like War and Peace, right?

Author Day

Speaking of Ann M. Martin, it was only about a year ago that I learned she wrote a spin-off series to the "Baby-sitters Club Little Sister" series called “The Kids in Ms. Colman's Class”. (Color me shocked that I did not know everything about my bookish idol lol) This was a very short-lived series. I think it has maybe 12 or 13 books and it follows (as the series title suggests) the kids in Ms. Colman’s class. They are the fellow classmates of the precocious Karen Brewer who is Kristy Thomas’s stepsister (Kristy is, as most people know, the founder & president of the BSC).

The series is very pedestrian, very dry, and pretty darn generic. I honestly wonder if Ann even really wrote it herself, or if one of her ghostwriters did. It’s full of lazy storytelling. The plot of this one is so thin, it’s almost invisible. I honestly only gave it 3 stars out of loyalty to the BSC franchise. I know. Bad me, bad me. I can see why the series did not take off. Ann (or her ghostwriter, or whomever) did not even try to give these kids unique personalities. It’s a shame too because it could have been a cool concept for the pre-tween crowd of the 90's.

The Mystery at Lilac Inn

Ahh my Nancy Drew. Now there’s another series I really like & grew up with. Nancy is such a cool character, always so quick on her feet and ready to tackle any mystery that comes her way. I also like that she’s truly sympathetic to the hardships that befall the misfortunate in these books & always willing to make things right for the people the best way she knows how. If Ann M. Martin is my real-life bookish idol, then Ms. Drew is my fictional one. Oh, to be like that fearless titan blonde snoop!

This book in particular was pretty exciting to read. Our pal Nancy got into some big trouble. There were some vicious baddies, including a Nancy doppelganger! There was danger galore. Sweet Helen Corning (my favorite of Nancy’s sidekicks) was around. I was a pretty happy camper. A solid read for sure.

The Family Remains This is the follow-up to the hit bestseller The Family Upstairs. I was hypnotized by that book. It had me on the edge of my seat, furiously turning pages, excited to see what would come next. This book? Not so much. It wasn't bad. Not at all. But I felt Jewell tried too hard to 1) preach to her readers & 2) wrap things up in a neat little bow, thus forsaking a lot of excitement and drama in the process. Truthfully, I read psychological thrillers for well, the thrill, and for the insanity of it all, and there wasn't a ton of either here. It was kind of a letdown and I'm wondering if Jewell should have left well enough alone with just the one book. Not every loose end needs to be tied up. In real life, things stay tangled sometimes.

Stacey’s Mistake Another day, another BSC read, but honestly, I didn’t enjoy this one very much, to be honest. I am not a big fan of the books where the girls have their feet on each other’s necks, and that was certainly the case here pretty much from beginning to nearly the end. Obviously, teen girls are gunna teen girl, & fight. That’s a given, but they get so mean about it, you gotta wonder why they even hang out sometimes. Plus, I found some of the characterizations off. Confidant, self-assured Cali girl Dawn suddenly was scared of her own shadow? Did not compute. It was just a weird book all around. Again, I rated it a 3 simply out of loyalty to the BSC franchise, but it’s far from my fave book in the series.

Spirit of the Season

I read a review from someone that said this was the “worst book ever written”. While I can’t totally agree (that dubious “honor” actually belongs to the 50 Shades books *sorry Christian Grey fans!*), it is pretty bad. What do you call a Christmas tale without charm, warmth, whimsy, humor, or joy? Crap. Spirit of the Season was utter crap! Sticky crap oozing on the sidewalk. I think I’ve read Michaels before. She was never Shakespeare, but she wasn’t bad… Was she?

The main character in this was so selfish and rude. The way she kept verbally attacking the help at her late grandmother’s bed and breakfast was awful. And they’d forgive her simply because of her stress and “low blood sugar”. Like, no, no. Girl’s a beeyotch, that doesn’t fly with me. There was zero romantic chemistry between her and her new beau. Their insta-love was pathetic. I enjoy a good romance like nobody’s business, but this wasn't it. So, if you’re looking for a holiday read next year, do yourself a favor and don't pick up this one!

Cut

How do you rate a book like Cut? It’s such an important topic. I read the writer spent something like 3 years researching the topic before she wrote it. That's a serious commitment. This was short, almost too short, but still powerful with a fairly hopeful ending. Maybe too hopeful. Do things ever wrap up that easily in real life? Still, the prose was sparse and strong. While it was not quite on the level of a book like Speak (though that also has a too-convenient ending), it was still very readable and relatable. I would recommend it to all teens.

And that's it for now, folks. I will have the second & final part of my December book reviews up in a few days. Thanks for checking this out!

[dirty-urie]

McBrendon

Second Person

Brendon x Female Reader

Unspecified Era

Smut Oneshot

NC-17

3.2k Words

Warnings in order of appearance: RPF, language throughout, not pre-discussed roleplay scene, medical roleplay and language, sex

Author's Notes:

So, basically, I was re-watching Grey's Anatomy, and I was like, "What if Brendon was here?" and then this was born. I have no idea if someone who's never watched Grey's Anatomy would understand or appreciate this, but basically what I think you need to know is that Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloan are sexy manwhores (in the earier seasons), and a common recurring joke in the earlier seasons of the show is putting "Mc" in front of adjectives to describe love interests. The fic is supposed to be more silly than sexy, but maybe it's sexy too, I don't really know.

"Wait, what about those two?" He asks, and you sigh exasperatedly.

"Brendon, just assume that all of the doctors on the Doctor Sex Show have slept together. That's the whole point."

He groans and slumps back in his chair, "Remind me why we have to watch this overdramatic doctor smut in the theater? The theater should be a sacred space for Disney movies or action movies with boobies and explosions, not 'ohhhh does McCreamy only like Natalie because she hooked up with Appendectomy?.'"

"It's my week on laundry duty, and whoever's folding laundry gets to watch whatever they want wherever they want. That's the rules, but you can go watch something in the living room or on your computer or on your phone if you don't like it," you offer, trying to get rid of him. You love Brendon, you love him so much, but sometimes you need to sit in the dark and fold laundry with no other noises except your soapy little doctor show.

"Fine. The men of the house are going to go watch something manly, don't bother us. Come on, Bogart!"

Brendon's little Jack Russell turns to look at you as if asking to stay, but you pat his back and send him off to go snuggle with his dad. You don't think you could handle Brendon's betrayed gasps if you let Bogart finish the episode with you. You and Penny will be fine ogling at Patrick Dempsey while file-folding Brendon's 68 pairs of gray and black sweatpants alone. Brendon kisses your cheek before he leaves. "Have fun with the boobs and explosions, babe," you tell him on his way out of the room.

"Oh, you know I will!"

•••

Two weeks later, it's your turn to fold laundry again, and you're back to watching Grey's, this time in the living room. The dogs are sitting next to you, eyes glued to the screen. Brendon's also in the room, bitching about "introducing this drivel into our home," but you're ignoring him because you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

He finally quiets down, and you appreciate the five minutes of peace. Until… "Are you unsatisfied with our sex life?" He asks out of the blue.

You're taken completely aback for a second before you scramble to pause the tv. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what? Where did this come from?" you ask him. What the fuck? Is he unsatisfied with your sex life?

"Well, we haven't had sex in weeks practically." Three days actually. It's been three days, but you don't interrupt him. "And you keep watching this sexy doctor show, so I don't know, maybe you're feeling like a bored housewife," Brendon explains.

You laugh at him, and he looks offended. "You're overthinking it, baby boy. It's just a show! Sure, the sexual tension between the entire hospital and Mark Sloan is spicy and exciting, but I'm not trying to compensate for anything lacking in my life. If anything, all that spice just translates into better sex for both of us. Okay?"

He looks very skeptical. "Hm, sure. I totally believe you."

You don't necessarily think you properly got your point across to him, but Meredith just made another bad decision, and you need to see how it pans out. "Okay, great, now go watch a manly show with Bogs in our room if you're going to keep whining."

Brendon does not, in fact, go into your room to watch a manly show on his laptop. Instead, he and Bogart start watching season 1 of Grey's Anatomy, immediately getting highly invested in the lives of the ambitious-yet-messy surgical interns. He's trying to figure out what exactly appeals to you about the show.

•••

It's his turn to fold the clothes, and he's doing it wrong, but you're resisting the urge to do it for him because you're a feminist, damnit. He's still letting you watch Grey's Anatomy because he's a doll (and you don't know this, but he's also become a bit of a fan.)

"Do you think I'm more a Mark Sloan or a Derek Shepherd?" He asks.

You scoff, "You're a George."

"I am not! I'm way sexier than George!"

"You're just jealous because I'm an Addison."

"Pshh, you're a Bailey. You wanna know how I know?" He asks.

"Fine. Tell me." You give in.

"You desperately want to correct my laundry technique."

•••

"Meet me in the on-call room in five," Brendon whispers against the back of your neck while you're drying the dishes from dinner. What is this man doing? "Meet you where?" You ask, but he's already walked away. You're not sure whether to actually wait the five minutes or just try to go find him.

You give him three minutes before going to the bedroom. You honestly don't know what you were expecting, but it wasn't Brendon laying on his side in the middle of your bed, shirtless under a white coat. He has on a pair of navy blue scrub pants that aren't particularly flattering, but they still look nice on him.

"Explain to me what's happening here, homie," you tell him.

"I'm being sexy for you! So sexy! I'm Dr. Brendon "McKinky" Urie, I'm a general surgery attending, but my real specialty is pleasure."

You visibly cringe for him. "You're a McDoofus, and your real specialty is probably malpractice."

He pouts. "Play along. Come on. Please? Be Dr. Y/N Sexy."

You roll your eyes. "Why do you get your real last name, but I'm Dr. Sexy?"

"Because we're not married in this fantasy! We're both cheating on our spouses but not in a tragic way, in a sexy way! Come on! Let yourself have fun," he pleads.

You feel yourself start to cave. "Fine, I'll play along, but I'm stopping this the minute I feel weird, okay?"

"Of course. And, babe, if you don't want to do this, you absolutely do not have to," he says, serious now.

"No, no, Brendon. I'm down for this. I think you're a total goof for doing it, but I trust you."

He brightens, "Great! Now it's time for your examination." He waggles his eyebrows, climbing off the bed and gesturing for you to take his place.

"Exam? Am I a patient? Why am I in the on-call room if I'm a patient?" You ask.

"Doctors need exams too, y'know. We're both doctors, but I don't know, you need a routine exam for like moles or something. Take your clothes off." He says, and you take a split-second to be grateful that Brendon got discovered for his musical talents and will therefore never be an actual doctor.

You stifle back your laughter and strip down to your underwear, lying on your back on top of the white sheet he put over the comforter to protect the bed from any potential messes. He stands over you next to the bed, and you're happy that you at least get to stare at his body during this little experiment. The whole "doctor" thing may not be driving you wild on its own, but your half-naked husband always will.

"Thank you for coming to this appointment, Dr. Y/N Sexy," he says. Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh, you chant in your head. "First," he says, making his voice husky, "I need to test your reflexes." Something tells you he won't be using one of those little hammers. He bends down and breathes against your neck. You shiver, and goosebumps appear on your arms. You're glad you wore your front clasp bra when he unclips it and has immediate access to your breasts. He circles around your nipple with his finger, and they harden quickly. "Mmm, good reflexes indeed. Very responsive," he purrs. "I don't think your test results are conclusive yet. You should keep going," you encourage. He rubs your scalp, and your head rolls back. You're worried that you'll start drooling.

Brendon smirks at you a little, and his smugness is slightly infuriating. Yes, you like him touching you, but that hardly proves that his weird roleplaying was a good idea. "Just like I observed, fantastic reflexes. But I now must move on to the chest exam." He rests his head on your chest, and you're beginning to suspect that this whole thing was just a ploy to touch your boobs a lot. "Is your heart rate always this fast or just when your hot coworker is touching you?"

"Normally only my husband, also named Brendon… for some reason, can get me so worked up, but now I'm thinking of leaving him for you, McCrinkly."

"It's McKinky, and your husband sounds gorgeous and super smart. You should keep him around," he says, climbing onto you and groping your breasts. "In my professional opinion, these are nice tits."

You have to bite your lip to resist the urge to laugh again. You wouldn't quite say you're aroused, but you are having fun at least. "Okay, okay, doc. Enough of the preliminary exam; I need five and a half inches, stat."

"You couldn't round up to six while we're playing!?"

"Oh, come on, you're lucky I rounded up to five and a half!"

"Rude! So rude!"

You kiss him to shut him up. "Sorry, baby, I won't bully you anymore. Now, how about a cervical exam?" You suggest, craving his thickness inside you.

That cheers him up. Brendon resumes his doctor roleplay. "First, let me complete the dermatological examination. If you could remove your undergarments, please."

You throw your bra on the floor and take off your underwear.

He admires the small amount of newly-exposed skin. "So many marks on your breasts and pubic region. Did your hot husband leave these too, or should I investigate for a skin condition?" He asks, ducking between your thighs to add some more.

"Yeah, he left them there. My sexy husband is kind of the best, but enough about him," you say.

New dark spots pop up after he finally moves his mouth from the sensitive skin of your thighs. "Oops, I think I just burst a couple of capillaries."

Well, someone did some light googling. "Do you think I'll make it?" You ask, faking drama.

"Yes, but you'll need someone to pay lots of attention to the area between your thighs."

He never mastered the art of subtly, did he? "I don't think that will be an issue. My husband will be thrilled."

"Great, that's taken care of. Shall we commence with the cervical exam then?" He asks, rolling off you to tug off his scrubs and underwear. He keeps his dumb coat on, which is more goofy than sexy without clothes underneath, but you don't tell him that. "And we can test your motor skills at the same time. Hands and knees, please."

You obey, and he moves behind you to enter you. He pushes into you quickly and hard, just like you like it. "God, there's so much blood in my, hm, um corpus cavernosum… I think," he says.

"Your what? Are you trying to cast a Harry Potter spell? because that's a whole different roleplay," You crane your neck back to see him, and your eyes widen. "Brendon, are you," you need to pause to choke back your laughter, "are you reading from a flashcard? While inside me?"

He's on his knees behind you, squinting at a white notecard. He flips the card over and reads from it, "the corpus cavernosum is, um, the main erectile tissue in the genitals. So, uh, I was trying to say that I'm hard for you."

That's it, you can't contain your laughter. You can't even bear to look at Brendon without cracking up. Tears are streaming down your face. He hisses, and you think it's because you've upset him, but you turn back to look at him, and he's biting his lip, his head tilted back.

"Are you good, B?" You ask, a little worried.

He's breathing hard. "Yeah, just your laughing caused contractions around my cock, and I was not prepared. Felt good, just unexpected." He pulls almost all the way out and then jerks back in, not quite slamming but gearing up to it.

"Faster, please. Careful still, but faster," you request.

He speeds up perfectly, finally filling you up and relieving the ache inside you. You relish each time his hips meet your body, feeling close to him, even if the position isn't as intimate as he usually likes. You suppose successful Dr. Kinky, notorious womanizer, wouldn't necessarily want to make loving, passionate eye contact with all of his conquests.

"So, Dr. Kinky-"

"No, it's doctor Urie, McKinky."

Jesus, you need a script. "So, Dr. Urie, do you have enough energy after all those lobotomies or whatever to rub a girl's clit? I bet my husband, the other Brendon, would touch me."

"Well, I would never even bother to compete with such a stellar man, but I can still try to get you off." His hands move between your thighs to touch your cunt. "Oh no, so much excess fluid here. I hope nothing's wrong." He puts a finger on your throbbing clit and feigns a sigh of relief, "Good, I've found a pulse." His touch is feather-light as he slowly strokes you. The contrast between his fast, hard thrusts and delicate strokes somehow enhances both of his actions.

"Oh, that's nice," you moan.

"You mind if I have you roll over? I still have to test your flexibility, and I'd love to do that with your legs on my shoulders."

"Fuck yeah."

He pulls out, and you get on your back; he gets you ready by situating the pillows underneath you. You rest a leg on either shoulder, and he thrusts in again. You don't want to admit it to him, but you feel like you'll need to come soon. The spikes of pleasure pulsing between your legs have been getting stronger and closer together, and now that you can see what you do to him, rather than just hearing his occasional grunts, you feel even closer to crossing that finish line.

"I'm observing some rapid contractions, Sexy. Should I note in your chart how close you are to coming all over me? Because it seems to me that you're failing your stamina and endurance evaluation," Dr. Urie teases.

You close your eyes to try to eliminate a source of the arousal, but you still feel painfully close to the edge.

Brendon inadvertently shifts a bit, and that does it. Your arousal peaks intensely, and you try to restrain your reactions on the off chance he doesn't notice. However, you're pretty sure he does notice your orgasm when his movements slow to a stop, and that's confirmed when he outright says it. "You just came," he states. It's not a question.

You nod, not bothering to deny it.

He pulls out, and you finally get to see his still-hard cock soaked with your wetness. "Well I suppose, we can run… further tests to reach a full diagnosis," he practically croons, pulling his scrub pants back on, and a wave of lust spreads from your stomach. Fine, the doctor thing is a little hot. "It's up to you though, I defer to your professional opinion."

"I think my exam is complete, actually, but I know you've been complaining of some pain in this region," you give his crotch a quick squeeze. "Do you mind stripping so I can investigate?"

He immediately takes off his coat, obviously excited, and gives it to you, so you put it on. "So, can you describe the pain?" You ask, putting a hand on his thigh.

"Kind of an ache, I guess?"

You squeeze his thigh, "And you'd say the pain is mainly here?"

"No, uh, um, to the right."

You squeeze his other thigh, "Oh, I see, right here?"

"No, not, um, my thigh."

"Sorry, I understand." You lay your hand flat on his stomach, still carefully avoiding his cock. "Your stomach must be hurting."

"Still not quite."

You clench your jaw in fake frustration. "Well, could you just show me where you need my attention, Doctor Urie?"

He shoves down his pants and grasps his leaking cock, groaning in relief when he starts to tentatively touch himself.

"Yes, very good, thank you. Would you say the ache subsides with stimulation?" You ask professionally.

Brendon nods and smirks a bit, "Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, I think you just need to achieve ejaculation," you diagnose.

"Is that, ah, covered under my insurance?" He asks cheekily, still jerking himself.

You laugh, going to dig the lubricant out, "Okay," you nudge his hand away, "leave this to the professionals." You pour the clear lube into your hand. "This may be a bit cold," you warn. He doesn't really need the lube, he's both leaking profusely and still slick from being inside you, but you want to keep up the "doctor vibes." You grasp him firmly and stroke quickly, trying to get him off as soon as you can. You kind of want to use your mouth, but you can't think of a good reason to within the roleplay. That's mostly fine, though, because you can tell he's about to come.

He comes all over your hand without warning a minute or so later. He shudders and groans, spurting twice more. You didn’t realize how worked up he was. Of course, you saw how hard he was, but to come this much from just jerking him off means he was really turned on. "Outstanding sperm production, sir," you say, crudely wiping him up with a tissue.

"Okay, no more doctor talk. My brain is too mushy," he groans.

You take off the coat and get into bed, cuddling against him. "If your brain is mushy, you probably should see a doctor."

He giggles. "So, would you do this again?"

You think for a second. "Well, I'd roleplay with you again, but you have to warn me next time. And probably not the doctor thing again. It was hot playing with you, but thinking about actual medical procedures is not my thing."

He yawns, "Noted about the warning you next time, and that's too bad. I was really looking forward to the oral exam. How big is your mouth? How's your swallow technique?" He says, half-jokingly.

"Hey, don't push it, or we're doing a prostate exam, and due to budget cuts to the hospital, we're going to be low on lubricant."

He cringes, "Point taken. I don't need a doctor roleplay; the next time I want a blowjob, I'll just ask."

You get out of bed and put on your pajamas. "Well, if it's in the next 45 minutes, your request is getting denied because Penny Lane, Bogart, and I are watching the real Grey's Anatomy in the theater while you're still too weak to complain about it. And this is a good time to tell you that my character is not actually a medical doctor. I have a PHD in film studies. I’m a fraud.”

His mouth drops open, "You're telling me that wasn't an official medical handjob?!"

"I trust that you'll get over this. Love you, babe."

He scowls but still mutters a quiet, “I love you too.”

[bookfreaky]

LOVE DOING - The Analysis

Intro:

I try to never analyse my work while still working on it, because I believe that the painting must be born from an image in your head, or a feeling, and not from a concrete idea. That is the foundation of abstractionism. Then when you’re finished and you are kind of star-gazing your own work, you try to find what made you create all that, what made you use that colour or this shape. I did that and I saw that all the dots were connected in the same theme: Love.  

Love as a broad concept and my experience with that. I think love is a very liquid sentiment, like water, it takes the shape of its every container you put it, but pretty much it’s still love. That same impulse is there. It can be like water also in the way it reflects the sun light, how it changes colours and distorts shapes. Love can be illusory; it can be lysergic but it can also be the answer to many simple questions in life. In its gas form it can be contagious and performative as it inhabits imagination, but it can also become solid when under pressure, just like water becomes ice under high pressures. In difficult situations, the love you feel for that person may be the only thing that keeps you going. I experienced that, and I think many people did too with so many people getting ill and dying during the Covid pandemic.

Like water it nurtures, like water it drowns. Love can be represented as a substance, like it just did, but also it persists as an action, an abstract action at so, an actual verb. In abstractionism, it’s to be said that colour is verb while shape is noun (I won’t remember to said that), for that reason I focused in this collection mainly in two colours in their variations, red and blue. Without the political branding aesthetic, red is seen in psychoanalysis as a active colour, the colour of human blood. Blue could be described as a “calmer” colour, but not so lacking in action. As Rebecca Solnit said, I quote:

“Water is colourless, shallow water appears to be the colour of whatever lies underneath it, but deep water is full of this scattered light, the purer the water the deeper the blue. The sky is blue for the same reason, but the blue at the horizon, the blue of land that seems to be dissolving into the sky, is a deeper, dreamier, melancholy blue, the blue at the farthest reaches of the places where you see for miles, the blue of distance.”

So I dedicate this four paintings to the people I love and whomever loves things, but also to all the feelings that come about with love. Some of these paintings are capable of calming me and I could keep looking at them for hours, forgetting about myself. Others make me feel angsty, uncomfortable and looking at them oblige me to think about my own existence and fear my future.

I really hope you look at the paintings before you read the whole thing, and suffer through the same. Thank you.  

Love Escaping Into the Blue:

This one was the first painting I made, before I imagined it to be a collection, and it was born from the experience of decompressing love from a place of deep passion; where you are taken by this sudden and enormous sadness but also relief. I felt free, really. I read this biology paper from the Monterey Bay Aquarium, called “Light in the Deep Sea”, and it explains that there’s some uniformity of colour in the ocean animals according to how deep in the water they inhabit. Animals living in the great depths of the sea, between 6,000 and 11,000 meters deep, have commonly a very vivid red colour, but closer to the surface of the water, between 200 and 1,000 meters deep, most animals are silver and grey. That’s because in this depth the brightness of sunlight is fragmented into a blue colour, and grey reflects the blue light creating the illusion that the animal is, in fact, blue. A Blue Whale is actually grey, not blue.

[Seadevil Fish (Cryptosaras couesii), left. Blue Whale (Balaenoptera musculus), right.]

The painting shows a leak of red coming into blue and bluer space, which is this feeling of infatuation and selfish desire, possession, fear and jealousy that is very red in colour and has connotations of violence and anger, moving into a place that is not so deep in the water but clearer and wider as the open sea, illuminated by this navy-blue light. It’s like you can finally breathe and see that your love is still there, but it has changed. In hope by being closer to the atmosphere it is also somehow closer to the divine. I imagine some people might feel lost when love escapes into the blue, and I get this sensation too, but it’s about loving freely, learning how not to feel love so deeply into ourselves, but widely like the ocean.

Love Growing in the Pit of the Stomach: 

When I looked at this painting in particular after it was done, I had this sensation of angst that was difficult for me to name. It’s about desire, it’s about this feeling growing inside of you that you know it will be something more than what you want, but what you need. I’ve become obsessed with the image of holes, looking like they are piercing the canvas; I think they show this emptiness I feel, like a window showing how hollow I am inside, but also, they give me this satisfying feeling by looking at them, like opening a wound and poking a bubble. I think this emptiness comes from the idea most trans women cannot take away from the back of their heads, which is if you do or do not have a “female genitalia”. Gender in our culture is very centred around genitals and biological sex, for centuries being a woman has been defined by the person who’s able to carry a man’s child. There is this little fantasy of mine where women have this little hole in them that can swallow the world. The idea of it, for me, has grown into a very real desire very much like the desire for sex. Actually, very close to sex too. But the roots growing out of the hole, in green and blue, represent pain and fear, because I’m not sure if I’m okay with the idea of having to undergo a surgical procedure to fulfil this fantasy, neither I am sure if it is a fantasy or a need.

Most of my work resembles yonic shapes (resembling the form of a vulva), either in this work or in former ones, and it’s never intentional, it sort of just slips from my subconscious. I believe that the vulva, as well as the womb, are under-shadowed symbols of power. Phallic shapes are very common in art and what-not, they are usually associated with offense and aggression. Like when school boys draw a dick on the toilet stalls as if marking their territory. The vulva, however, is never quite portrayed like that.

I read about this Japanese visual artist, Megumi Igarashi, who made several pieces of art shaped after her own vagina, including a yellow vagina-boat (which I absolutely loved) and she got arrested and fined for “obscenity”. I think that for her subversive art-form she should be considered a national hero. Many man-made constructions are phallic images, look at the Washington Obelisk, or the Eiffel Tower, but in nature we most commonly find yonic shapes, like the Grand Canyon.

There is a profound violence in desiring this, feeling as if a part of your own anatomy is lacking, but you can’t grow it naturally, you can’t do it in a god-intended way. The bright red colour represents violence and sex, and in this case both. It’s way more complicated than the concept of having kids and being a mom, it’s a lot more than to be seen as sexual beings, and sexuality, and to feel loved; it’s about symbols of power and somehow getting that denied. It’s about learning how to love this new body, a body that is foreign, infertile, obscene and unconventional. That love is hard to achieve and it is violent because women, and especially trans women, have been taught to hate their bodies.  

Love Falls In The Bathroom:

This one took the longest to finish and left me with the most unsure brush-strokes, much perhaps because it isn’t based off on an idea but on a memory, on dream. In three more years I’ll be the same age my mother had and she had me, 29 years old. Somehow it feels like a looming date. Having kids and getting pregnant, specifically, have been sporadic subjects of therapy sessions – the antithesis is always the same: you are not lesser of a woman for not being able to get pregnant, you can still be a mom through other means, you are not even sure if you want kids or marriage, you can always adopt – Those answers feel reasonable, but none of them ever could appease the deep feeling of something missing in me, like something is perpetually wrong with me. Then I understood that in this painting, I was trying to evoke these feelings. Love and grief.

[My mother, pregnant with me, in the 90s.] 

My friends tell me I seem to be older than I actually am, and sometimes I wonder if that’s not because I had never been a happy child. I feel like I had my childhood robbed from me. I mean, I had an okay, comfortable childhood, and a problematic teenage-hood, but I never had a girlhood. I am still grieving it. I had been assigned male at birth, I’m still grieving that too.

In July of this year, I experienced a very vivid dream, in which although short all the images and the sensations were, felt very real. I was taking a shower in my bathroom, I close off the water, wrap myself around a towel, my usual pink one, and when I’m stepping out of the shower stall I fell. I hit my right elbow against the toilet lid as I fell with my legs open in opposite directions, a sharp pain struck me under my thighs, close to my groin, and a light string of blood followed right after that. It wasn’t menstruation blood, thin and clear red, but thick and dark. It was all very quick but I knew, right then, right there, exactly everything that was happening. I was pregnant, 13 weeks, alone in the bathroom floor, surrounded by blood. I wonder how many days of my recent life, how many hours a day, I am really just sitting down alone on my bathroom’s floor surrounded by blood. I woke up and it still felt very real. I had spent the next two days very quiet, not wanting to speak to anyone. I wanted to tell someone as soon as I was back from the dream, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to call someone, a friend, anyone, and say “I lost it. I lost my baby”. I realised then, in that post-dreamy state, that I have been silently grieving for a lot of things, things I haven’t yet allowed myself to grieve for. Things I still did not have a chance.

Love Lost In Imagination:

This one is the only one what doesn’t forecast red and blue colours, but instead in red and blue paint mixed together in a royal purple colour. It was the last one I made, and it’s the one that differs the most in shape. I like to imagine it was love in it’s gas form, vaping inside your brain like Nitrous-oxide, with white-coloured cloud shapes and yellow peacock eye-feathers. It’s about how sometimes love can only exist in imagination, how we often elaborate better scenarios in our heads, and we think “what if things were different?”. I believe to be okay to fantasize, anyway the utopia is what moves us towards a reality, but sometimes we can get lost in imagination, and in questioning the same questions over and over. “What if I hadn’t done this and done that?”; “What if I hadn’t said no?”; “What if I had stayed longer to watch that movie?”; “What if had come out as trans earlier?”; “What if I had become a professional writer?”; “What if I had born a woman?”. Is love real if it perpetrates only in thought?

I would be more than happy to quote some of Saint Augustine here, and his theological virtues, love being one of them, but I wouldn’t like to make this essay even longer and complicated.

I think to myself sometimes, when was it that I started to prefer having peace then pleasure. My head has always been very noisy, very noisy, and I wanted it to stop. Now it feels like I’m constantly too quiet about everything. That somehow, like the Little Mermaid by Hans Christensen Andersen, when transitioning into a woman I exchanged my legs (my body) for my voice, and now I can’t voice or even pinpoint what I want. I’m just so tired. So, so tired. My mental health hasn’t been great for more than one year, and the pandemic didn’t help. I’m constantly anxious around people, even the closest ones to me (especially the closest ones to me), I’ve been eating like a bird and sleeping like a cat. Still, sometimes I imagine what future I would like, and I imagine myself living somewhere with open space, trees, breeding horses just like my grandfather did, space for dogs, musical instruments and the kids. Space for being big.

The painting makes me think that sometimes I can only love myself in this imaginary place. Otherwise, it just looks slightly like a chicken’s head. You decide.    

- Original work, G.L. Alódio.

[ratabrasileira]

Tag 9 people to learn about their interests!

thanks for the tag @kolwyntjie darling

MUSIC

Fav genre? I like everything, but my top genres of all time are Pop and Modern Rock.

Fave artist? TENDER and Pierce the Veil (there's not fav here only Tops which everyone is equal)

Fave song? Props & Mayhem by Pierce the Veil.

Most listened song recently? Becomes The Color by Emily Wells

Song currently stuck in your head? Idk, I'm listening to music rn. Normally it's a sequence of Woman or Naked both by Doja Cat, then Becomes The Color by Emily Wells and then goes to The 7th Sense by NCT and then Child Psychology by Black Box Recorder and much much more.

5 fave lyrics?

Ode à Nudez - André Prando

Pra Você Guardei o Amor - Nando Reis

São Paulo - Terno Rei

Bordaduras - Lamparina e A Primavera

Props & Mayhem - Pierce the Veil

radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie | loud or silent volume I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on

BOOKS

Fav book genre? Dystopia or Fantasy idk.

Fave writer? I don't have ??

Fave book? I need to read more books to answer this one, but currently it's ACOMAF. I can reread this shit anytime.

Fave book series? ACOTAR wowowo. But Divergent and HP will always be part of my life.

Comfort book? ACOMAF.

Rainy day book? The Outsider by Stephen King.

Fave characters? Rhysand and Lucien live rent free in my mind. Harry, Ginny and Draco used too.

5 quotes from your fave books? Humhmhm they're not from my fav book.

“You do not fear,' Rhys breathed. 'You do not falter. You do not yield. You go in, you get her, and you come out again.' I nodded again, holding his stare. 'Remember that you are a wolf. And you cannot be caged.’” (A Court of Wings and Ruin, Sarah J Maas.) @kolwyntjie this one is really good indeed

“Only you can decide what breaks you, Cursebreaker. Only you.” (A Court of Wings and Ruin, Sarah J Maas.)

“Reality is thin ice, but most people skate on it their whole lives and never fall through until the very end. We did fall through, but we helped each other out. We’re still helping each other.” (The Outsider, Stephen King.)

And I can't think about others

hardcover or paperback | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending first | reliable or unreliable narrator | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers and by the summary | rereading or reading just once

TV AND MOVIES

Fave tv/movie genre? Anime?

Fave movie? Ponyo

Comfort movie? Any from Ghibli Studio.

Movie you watch every year? I don't do this (I've rewatched Your Name a couple of times, tho)

Fave tv show? Death Parade.

Comfort tv show? Charlotte, for sure.

Most rewatched tv show? .................... Grey's Anatomy :x

5 fave characters? Dazai Osamu, Kirari Momobami, Nao Tomori, Nona (Death Parade) and Lee Yut Lung.

tv shows or movie | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or binge-ing | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once | downloads (torrent ♥) or watches online

Saw this? You're tagged yeahhh!! :D :D

[tvandenneagram]

Grey’s Anatomy: Lexie Grey - Type 6w7

Lexie is intelligent, nervous and kind. She wants to build a relationship with Meredith and spends most of her time at the hospital trying to get to know her.

At her best, Lexie is supportive and loyal. She wants to help and work together with people to ensure the best results. Lexie takes it on herself to try and assist others and builds strong friendships as a result of her good intentions. She wants George to see his talents and pushes him to achieve his goals and retake the intern test. Lexie also gives Sloan the motivation to be his best self and mature more.

At her worst, Lexie becomes overly concerned with what other people think, highly anxious and reactive. She can get stuck in her own thoughts and over think situations, leading to problems. She becomes very jealous when Sloan begins dating and as a result her anger begins to come out about the situation, even though she denies these feelings.

Lexie is a high achiever and has worked hard to become a doctor. She wants to please her family and puts a lot of emphasis on how they perceive her. This is part of the reason why she wants to connect with Meredith so much and can’t understand why Meredith keeps such a distance from her. Family is the most important thing to Lexie and she goes overboard trying to get Meredith to acknowledge her, to the point of being too much for Meredith. She sees her family as her safe place and wants to include Meredith as a person she can trust and love.

Lexie has a very special connection and relationship with Sloan. They are able to balance each other out and understand each other. It is due to some of the more complex issues from Mark’s past that Lexie becomes uncertain and worried about their future. This leads to her making the decision she needs a more stable and normal relationship. Ultimately, she finds that she doesn’t want to be with Jackson or anyone else as it is Sloan that she loves, despite his baggage.

Lexie has a wing 7 as she is more jittery, nervous and people oriented than a wing 5 may be.

Tritype: 6w7 - 2w3 - 9w1

Some quotes to describe Lexie’s motivations:

“I don't know how you get up in the morning. I honestly don't. Our dad abandoned you, and your mom, by all accounts, was the meanest person ever, and you can't let Derek love you, and it all really really sucks. But ever since I knew you existed, I had this fantasy about my big sister, and you have failed on every occasion to live up to that fantasy. But I still love you, whether you are capable of letting me or not. So, I forgive you.”

“The problem is we're human. We want more than to just survive. We want love.”

“Mark said he misses me, but I miss him, I really, really miss him. He thinks that I still love Jackson but I try to tell him I don't, try to tell him I still love him. But I open my mouth and nothing comes out, and everything is terrible.”

“I’m not stalking you. I just… I hate apples. Hate them. Think they shouldn’t be allowed to be a fruit. That’s one. And… and two, I can draw really, really well on an etch a sketch. Like, really well, like I could be a professional if, you know, that profession existed. I play the trombone… badly. Uh, I like Math. And I notice that you do this thing with your hands when you’re trying to make a point, like… like… like this. And I know that that’s about you, but I … I do it, too. So it’s also about me. And that’s five. Five things that I’m hoping will make it a little bit harder for you to hate me.”

“I love you. Oh God.. oh, my God, that just came flying out of my face. I love you. I just... I did it again. I love you. I do. I just, I love you. And I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying so hard to just mash it down and ignore it and not say it. And Jackson is a great guy, he is. He's gorgeous, and he's younger than you, and he doesn't have any grandkids or babies with his lesbian BFFs, and he's an Avery and he liked me. You know, he really liked me. But it was never gonna work out! Because I love you. I am so in love with you. And you're in me. You're like--it's like you're a disease. It's like I am infected by Mark Sloan and I just can't think about anything or anybody and I can't sleep. I can't breathe. I can't eat. And I love you. I just love you all the time. Every minute of every day. I love you.”

[aion-rsa]

How Thor Changed the Marvel Cinematic Universe

https://ift.tt/33NlKGy

Marvel’s Thor, the first theatrical live-action film to feature the comic book giant’s version of the Norse God of Thunder, opened in theaters a decade ago, on May 6, 2011.

Directed by Kenneth Branagh and starring a then little-known Chris Hemsworth in the title role, Thor was the fourth film in the still-nascent Marvel Cinematic Universe. It was also — as we look back at it now — a pivotal one in the development of the MCU.

“I’m very proud of my part of it,” Branagh told us a couple of years ago about his handling of Thor. “Which was providing a sort of backbone that they could comically riff off, but at least it originally contained some of the high stakes Nine Realms import that that larger mythology has to have as well.”

Thor took the franchise off the Earth for the first time and into the cosmic side of the Marvel mythology, introducing audiences to the Nine Realms, the kingdom of Asgard and other mind-bending concepts that comic fans had adored for years but which were a major risk to put in front of mainstream moviegoers.

Even the character of Thor — with his helmet and his hammer and his arch way of speaking — often seemed to skate perilously close to laughable in the pages of the comics themselves. But he was also a mainstay of the Marvel line and a charter member of the Avengers, the superhero team that Marvel based its entire initial run of films upon.

Marvel

Thor didn’t take the Rainbow Bridge to the screen

A Thor movie based on the Marvel Comics version of the character had, surprisingly, been bandied around for years even before there was a Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The God of Thunder debuted on the page in Journey into Mystery #83 (August 1962), created by Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, and Jack Kirby. A founding member of the Avengers, he joined Iron Man, the Hulk, Ant-Man, and the Wasp in the pages of The Avengers #1 (September 1963). In the ensuing decades, he has starred in multiple iterations of the Avengers comics, plus many ongoing and limited series of his own.

An animated version of the character debuted in 1966’s Marvel Super-Friends show, while the first live-action incarnation of Thor (played by Eric Kramer) showed up in the 1988 TV movie The Incredible Hulk Returns, a follow-up to the late 1970s series The Incredible Hulk.

While Thor continued to turn up in various animated Marvel properties, it was in 1991 that the first full-length, live-action Thor movie was proposed — by no less than Sam Raimi.

The director, who later went on to make the first three Spider-Man movies and who is now working in the MCU on Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, revealed to the The Hollywood Reporter in the wake of Stan Lee’s passing that he pitched a Thor movie to the Marvel Universe co-creator over lunch.

“We worked together writing treatments and took it to Fox and pitched it,” Raimi recalled. “And they said, ‘Absolutely no. Comic books don’t make good movies.’ This was in 1991.”

The rights to Thor bounced around Hollywood for a few more years (at one point it was set up at Sony with David S. Goyer writing and possibly directing) until landing back at Marvel Studios, which had reinvented itself as an independently financed production company in 2005 with distribution through Paramount Pictures. The studio, run at the time by David Maisel with Kevin Feige as president of production, hired Mark Protosevich (I Am Legend and the unfilmed Batman Unchained) to write a script for Thor, with Matthew Vaughn (X-Men: First Class) coming aboard to direct in August 2007.

Marvel

Enter Tom Hiddleston as Loki…

No sooner did Matthew Vaughn sign up to direct Thor than he seemingly left just as quickly, although it was officially announced in May 2008 that he was departing. Creative and budget issues seemed to have sealed his exit. “Marvel loves the script,” he wrote in The Guardian in late 2007. “The only problem is that it has been costed at $300m and they ask how I am going to reduce it by $150m.”

Even though Thor had already been scheduled for a June 4, 2010 release date, Marvel still had to find a director. Talks were held with Guillermo del Toro, but he decided to direct The Hobbit instead (which he ended up leaving as well). At the end of its search, Marvel finally chose Kenneth Branagh, the Irish actor and director best known for his epic adaptations of Shakespeare’s Hamlet and Henry V — which kind of provided an idea of the tone Marvel was looking for.

Branagh was finally signed in December 2008, telling MTV News, “It’s a chance to tell a big story on a big scale…It’s a human story right in the center of a big epic scenario.”

Once Branagh was signed, the movie’s release date was pushed back from June/July 2010 to May 6, 2011, providing plenty of time for the film’s extensive visual effects to be designed and created and for Branagh to find his cast — starting with the God of Thunder himself.

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The first person allegedly approached was Daniel Craig, who had just starred in his second James Bond film, Quantum of Solace. It was because of his commitments to the already massive 007 franchise that Craig turned down the hammer-wielding Asgardian, although it’s somehow hard to imagine the tough-as-nails Craig as the egotistical (at least at first), young Odinson.

A long list of young, relatively unknown actors tested for the part, including Chris Hemsworth (who was just making his brief but scene-stealing appearance as James Kirk’s father in J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek), his brother Liam, the equally obscure Tom Hiddleston, Kevin McKidd from Grey’s Anatomy, Alexander Skarsgard (Godzilla vs. Kong), Charlie Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy), Joel Kinnaman (The Suicide Squad), and others. But Chris Hemsworth ultimately won the day, with Hiddleston landing the consolation gift that would keep on giving, the role of Thor’s villainous adopted brother Loki.

“That was my starting point, was that you have a character with a predisposition toward mischief,” Hiddleston said about playing the trickster god, during a 2010 set visit attended by this reporter in Manhattan Beach, California. “An inclination toward chaos and a delight in imbalance, and you couple that with the fierce intelligence that he has, and a chess master’s ability to manipulate events three or four steps ahead of the game.”

Adding even more gravitas to the production was the signing of the legendary Anthony Hopkins to play Thor’s father, Odin, along with Natalie Portman as Jane Foster, Rene Russo as Thor’s mom Frigga, Colm Feore as Laufey, the king of the Frost Giants, Idris Elba as Heimdall, and others. Also signed: Samuel L. Jackson for his third appearance as Nick Fury (in an end credits bonus scene) and Jeremy Renner as Clint Barton/Hawkeye, marking the live-action debut of the bow-and-arrow-wielding Avenger.

Filming on Thor began in mid-January 2010 and wound down in early May, with shooting taking place at Raleigh Studios in Manhattan Beach, California (Marvel’s studio home in the MCU’s early years), Santa Fe, and other parts of New Mexico, and locations in northern California.

Colm Feore told The Deadbolt that the Shakespearean training which he, Branagh, and Hopkins all shared enabled them to quickly communicate with each other while shaping the characters and finding the right tone: “One of the things that was enormously helpful on Thor was that during the breaks, Tony, myself, and Ken would be talking in Shakespearean shorthand about what the characters were doing, what we thought they may be like, and how we could focus our attention more intelligently.”

During that same set visit to the Manhattan Beach set of Thor, Marvel president of production Kevin Feige told this reporter and others that the movie was going to feature more extensive post-production work than other Marvel films. “When you walk around Captain America or Iron Man, you can get it,” he explained. “With Thor, what you’re seeing is only 30% of what the movie will be. This is the big question mark and to me that makes it the most exciting. I like it when people don’t exactly know what we’re going to do.”

Reshoots were completed in late 2010, while The Avengers director Joss Whedon shot the end credits scene in which Nick Fury reveals the Infinity Stone known as the Tesseract to Dr. Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgard).

Marvel

Marvel takes a big swing with Thor’s hammer

Introducing Thor and the Asgardians — who were essentially aliens, with technology so far ahead of our own that they seemed like gods to the ancient, more primitive people of Norway more than a millennium ago — was a major gamble for the MCU and its then-president of production (and now Chief Creative Officer) Kevin Feige.

Out of Marvel’s first three films, Iron Man and Iron Man 2 were massive, out-of-the-box hits, while The Incredible Hulk was a middling success at best. Yet all three films were Earthbound and dealt with plausible (as far as it went) science and technology. The science of Thor was — to borrow a phrase from the late science fiction titan Arthur C. Clarke — indistinguishable from magic.

“Asgardians are kind of ‘been there, done that’ when it comes to that kind of stuff,” said co-producer Craig Kyle to this reporter and others on the set visit. “For them to send you across the universe, it’s as easy as turning a key … Their technology is only as sophisticated as it needs to be to do extraordinary things.”

Making Thor, Odin and the other inhabitants of Asgard, Jotunheim and the rest of the Nine Realms into extra-terrestrial beings mistaken for gods by ancient humans took Thor away from sword-and-sorcery and fantasy and more overtly into the science fiction genre. But it also provided the film with a back story and mythology that was perhaps easier for modern movie fans to swallow — more Star Wars than the Völuspá.

“We just kept trying to humanize it all, and keep it very real,” Chris Hemsworth told Superhero Hype at the time about his approach to the title character. “Look into all the research about the comic books that we could, but also bring it back to ‘Who is this guy as a person, and what’s his relationship with people in the individual scenes?’ And working with someone like Kenneth Branagh, who has all those bases covered and has so many ideas, it was a hell of a time!”

In addition to taking the big creative risk of bringing Asgard and Thor to the screen, the movie took several other chances as well. Starting a tradition that Marvel would return to with films like Captain Marvel and Guardians of the Galaxy, Thor did not function as a traditional origin story. We meet Thor, Loki, Odin, and enter Asgard with only a brief introduction detailing the history of ill will and war between the Asgardians and the Frost Giants.

Thor’s journey in the film is not that of an ordinary character being bestowed with great powers and learning how to use them, the typical arc of a superhero film. He is fully formed here, if flawed, and as the film progresses he learns to be a better version of the immensely powerful being that he already is — with the help of the human beings that he meets during his fall to Earth.

When Thor — the likely successor to his father’s throne — reignites hostilities with the Frost Giants partially due to his own immaturity, Odin decrees him unworthy of wielding Mjolnir and banishes him, powerless, to Earth. That leaves the door open for the crafty Loki — who has discovered that he is not Asgardian after all, but the child of Frost Giants — to manipulate and scheme his way into power himself.

Marvel’s other big gamble was making Loki a much more fully developed antagonist than had been previously seen in many comic book movies. Skillfully portrayed by Hiddleston in a performance that made him an instant star, Loki is an empathetic, nuanced character whose longing for the love and attention of his adopted father — who lavishes more of both on Thor — leads him down a dark path and into a character arc that would take several years and movies to play out.

“I think Loki intuitively feels that he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t belong with the family in Asgard and doesn’t belong in the pantheon of gods,” said Hiddleston at the time. “He’s confused about his place in the universe … We all reach a point in our lives where we think, ‘What the hell are we supposed to do with our life?’ Thor reaches that point in this film and Loki does as well, so yes, maybe if Odin had made him feel valued and respected and essential to Asgard, then it would have been okay.”

Marvel

Thor smashes all preconceptions

Thor had its world premiere in Sydney, Australia on April 17, 2011 and opened in that country — Hemsworth’s native land — four days later. It premiered in 56 more markets before finally opening in North America on May 6, 2011.

The film earned a 77% fresh rating and mixed reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, with critics praising the performances by Hemsworth and Hiddleston, as well as the grandiose family drama on Asgard, but less impressed by Thor’s journey to Earth and the climactic battle there against the massive golem-like Destroyer sent by Loki to kill Thor.

More importantly for Marvel, the film connected with audiences despite the perception that Thor was largely unfamiliar or dated. Thor earned $181 million at the North American box office and a further $268 million abroad for a worldwide total of $449 million.

While that ranks it near the bottom of the 23 MCU movies released to date (along with Ant-Man and Captain America: The First Avenger), it was a far from shabby showing for the early MCU and proved Marvel’s calculation that it could expand Marvel’s footprint on film beyond already established characters like Spider-Man, the X-Men and the Hulk.

“I liked it when people said, ‘Iron Man’s the B-Team. You’re calling out the B-Team!’ We knew it wasn’t,” said Feige on set about using what were perceived as lower-tier Marvel heroes. “We knew it was going to be great. And that holds true for Thor … here’s another one that will redefine us and at least raise the bar of what a comic book movie is, for both people who’ve read comics and those who haven’t.”

Thor expanded the boundaries of the MCU into the realms of space, alternate dimensions and cosmic conflicts, while putting another key part in place for the impending arrival of the Avengers. And while 2013’s follow-up, Thor: The Dark World, was a misstep and considered one of Marvel’s few outright failures, the studio brilliantly reinvented the character in 2017 with Taika Waititi’s Thor: Ragnarok, moving him away from the initial Shakespearean grandiosity and into a more humorous space.

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That in turn allowed Thor and Hemsworth to have one of the most profound character arcs across the entire span of Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame. His story in those films, the box office clout of Ragnarok, and Hemsworth’s enthusiasm for the role led Marvel to commission 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder — marking the first time an MCU hero is venturing into a fourth solo movie.

Ten years later, while not a perfect film by any means, Thor is still an enjoyable, consciously weird Marvel epic that proved the God of Thunder could bring the lightning even to modern audiences. And while Thor has seemingly abandoned the throne of Asgard for now, his first film’s place in the MCU pantheon is secure.

The post How Thor Changed the Marvel Cinematic Universe appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2RWjeeA

[calzona-ga]

Showrunner Krista Vernoff talks with The Hollywood Reporter about wrapping Alex's storyline, being the first show to shut down production and the episode that serves as its season ender.

[This story contains spoilers from episode 1621, "Put on a Happy Face."]

ABC's Grey's Anatomy concluded its 16th season Thursday with an episode that wasn't designed to be a finale but, as showrunner Krista Vernoff admits, was lucky to have doubled as one.

The Shondaland medical drama had four episodes left to produce before Vernoff made the call to shut down — the first series to do so amid the coronavirus crisis — in a move she says was designed with the crew's health in mind. The series was also the first to publicly confirm that those four episodes would never be produced as Vernoff and her team will use their extended hiatus as a way to incorporate those events into the drama's previously announced 17th season.

As for the episode, here's what happened: Richard (Jim Pickens) is cured, but rejects his estranged wife, Catherine (Debbie Allen). Owen (Kevin McKidd) and Teddy (Kim Raver) are … on pause. Amelia (Caterina Scorsone) and Link (Chris Carmack) have their son. DeLuca (Giacomo Gianniotti) saves the day with Richard but has a breakdown. Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) now finds herself in a love triangle (again).

Below, Vernoff talks with The Hollywood Reporter about making the call to shut down, how she's approaching season 17 and, yes, how she and the Grey's writers wrote out Justin Chambers' Alex.

First, how are you doing with the state of the TV industry right now? I'm worried about everybody in the world, including our industry. I'm really lucky to have continued work. I have a writers room for [ABC pilot] Rebel and I'm doing post on Station 19. I have some semblance of normalcy and I'm hopeful that there will be some return to normalcy in the not too distant future.

Grey's was the first show to shut down production. What went into that decision and was what has ensued since what you were expecting at the time? What went into that decision for me and why I pushed for that shutdown is we have been on the air for so long that so many of our crew members were in that high-risk category. Many of them are over 60 or even 70. There was a day when someone was saying, "Maybe you should go to set and give a pep talk," and I had a feeling of like, "No, I don't want to go to set." I called the network and said if I don't want to go to that set space, you can't keep asking the crew — who are all high-risk — to go. Like anyone else, did I expect the whole world to shut down? No. This is all so unprecedented in our world. I didn't expect this. I just knew in that moment that what I was reading that was happening in Italy meant we were in danger here and I wanted to protect our crew.

You lost four episodes from this season. What was the cast's response to that? What are you considering doing with the remaining four unproduced episodes? Rolling them to next season? Or waiting to see what happens with the world before you plot out what comes next? We're waiting to see what happens with the world. I will start a season 17 writers room in May, and, at that point, I imagine our conversation will be about starting our story from where we left off in season 16. But I don't think we can take unproduced scripts that we didn't shoot and shoot them. We're going to have had a break and have new ideas. We've been texting each other ideas already. Some of those things that we had decided, we're changing because we'll have had a break and have come up with better ideas. And some of it is going to have to change because you're taking what was going to be a regular episode and have to turn it into a season premiere and that will require some reimagining.

As a medical drama, and one with a global audience — you air in something like 250 markets across the globe — have you talked about if you're going to incorporate coronavirus into your storyline? I haven't talked to anyone about anything yet because we're not in the room right now. We're on what would have been our hiatus. But once the writers room gathers in early May, we'll begin to have those conversations. I've been thinking, are we incorporating coronavirus into the storytelling and also does that dictate what kind of stories we can tell? Are we, for example, limiting the number of people in a room? If we're doing a story where 60 people were sitting in a theater, are we no longer doing that story? Those are the things I'm thinking about because I don't think this is going to be totally over when we come back to shoot in July. I don't know.

Have you thought about what it would take for you guys to feel safe enough — given the crew you have — to go back into production? The Writers Guild is thinking about all of those things. There are conversations about, will testing be more widely available by that point? Are you testing people when they go to work? Are you taking temperatures of people before they go to work? I'm addicted to silver linings and an idealist and fantasy thinker because I am a writer, so I keep thinking maybe some miraculous vaccine or cure or somebody will figure out a medicine we use for this can be effective. I'm trying not to think about it too much because no one knows anything and next week everything could change.

This episode was fortunate to work as a season finale. Can you say anything about what would have happened in those four episodes? Or are those ideas that you're holding on to for now? I'm going to holdon to them for now because I imagine we'll play out a fair amount of them in season 17. It's not lucky that there's a pandemic and we had to stop our storytelling four episodes short, but it's lucky that where we had to stop wound up as a pretty perfect season finale.

One thing watching this episode that I'm very eager to know: What do Amelia and Link name their son? Grey's does have a way of honoring the past when it comes to baby names … The name the baby storyline was in episode 22 [which won't be produced]. I suspect it will play in the [season 17] premiere.

Any clues if the name has any special significance? Derek, maybe… I will tell you that the name is not Derek (laughing). I'll give you that the line in 1622 about Derek was that Link pitched it and Amelia said, "I don't want to cry every time I look at my baby, so no." But the name is meaningful, yes.

Owen tells his mother that he's postponing the wedding but doesn't tell Teddy. He obviously has that pretty awful voicemail in which he hears Teddy sleep with Tom. Why doesn't he break things off? The cruelest thing that Owen could do in that moment is to call his mother and not Teddy. That didn't come from anything magnanimous. Letting Teddy suffer in that silence and fear … if everything is OK, you call your partner and say we can't do it. I honestly think Owen is in too much pain to talk to Teddy at this point. It's a major storyline for us to play in season 17: are they over? Is there a way for him to come back from this? Owen has cheated himself and been forgiven, so he would be a hypocrite to not allow for possibility that there could be some forgiveness here. Yet what he heard was really damning and man. That OR scene was my favorite scene of the season. It was really beautiful.

DeLuca, who should be celebrating a big professional victory, realizes he has a problem after diagnosing Richard. What are you looking forward to exploring with his storyline? Everyone interprets that last scene differently. What I believe happens to DeLuca in that last scene is that he's been manic for so long that his brain chemicals have shifted and he's gone into a depression and that's what you're seeing. It's not that he's making any kind of realization; it's that he can't get up off the floor and he doesn't know why. We're telling a story of a mental health crisis with DeLuca and I think he does have the disease his father has. What's kind of beautiful about where we ended the season is that you see that a person who is struggling with mental health crisis can still be an incredibly productive member of society. He diagnoses Richard and saves the day — and he goes into a hole. Where we go from here … you'll see in season 17.

There's a great scene during Richard's surgery when DeLuca looks up at Meredith and gives her this nod, which feels like he's thinking that maybe now he is on her level professionally — and maybe now she can see him in that way. Meredith, meanwhile, tells Cormac Hayes (Richard Flood) that she wants him to ask her out again. This episode also had a lot of foreshadowing that Hayes and Meredith seem destined to be together. What's the larger idea or theme you're looking to explore with this … triangle of sorts? It kind of is a triangle at this point. There are so many pieces to making television: there's the conversation in the writers room, then the script on the page. It's like what you think it will be vs. what's on the page. And then there's what the actors do with it. That story has emerged in a way where I never expected it to be a triangle but feels like it very much is one right now. That's because DeLuca has been so heroic and so dynamic in his mental health storyline that, in a strange way, I expected that storyline would illuminate him as a love interest for Meredith and it ironically feels like it's done the opposite. It's been amazing to watch Giacomo resonate with that storyline. The story ended up better than what I expected it was going to be because now I don't know who I'm rooting for Meredith to be with. There's a part of me that feels like DeLuca, if he gets the right kind of treatment, could be becoming a human being with life experience that helps him rise to Meredith's level and yet there's this man, who is co-signed by Cristina and we've seen the pain he's survived and how, in so many ways, his life experience mirrors Meredith's. Where this goes now is really anybody's guess. I'm excited to see how it unfolds.

I'd be remiss if I didn't ask about something else that happened earlier this season: Justin Chambers exited this season. While Alex had a big send-off, it felt like Chambers left quietly and suddenly. What can you say about happened and the way that all transpired? I decline comment.

From a planning standpoint, how much notice did you have that Chambers wasn't returning? Chambers' last episode aired in November… I don't want to talk about it.

Can you talk a bit about how the Grey's team came up with how you concluded Alex's storyline, reuniting him with Izzie (Katherine Heigl)? I love that episode. I thought it was beautiful, romantic, heartbreaking, painful and the perfect combination of the way so many stories happen in Shondaland, where you're simultaneously crying for joy and crying for grief. It was perfectly imperfect and it was perfectly messy. It allowed for Alex to have grown as a human in a variety of ways and to still be imperfect and to disappoint a woman he has loved greatly. It allows for Jo to have been a person who really healed him and in so many ways that he's now able to go be this wonderful dad to these kids. And it allowed for the characters who are still at Grey Sloan to not have to go through another massive chapter of grief. I thought it was beautiful and I'm really proud of it. It was an amazing thing to get to watch 16 seasons worth of material. To get to go backwards on a character's timeline, 16 seasons, and to have it actually be stuff we shot on the show? That's rare in TV. Usually if you're flashing back, you're using VFX to de-age a character.

Wrapping things up, I always ask you the same two questions at the end of every season. Will there be any cast departures ahead of season 17? There are no notable cast member departures happening between seasons.

And are there any conversations about season 17 being the last one for Grey's? And in terms of 17 being the end, I never believe it's the end until they tell me it's the end for real.

[lligkv]

almost calculated to rivet the reader

I was recommended the book The Bestseller Code: Anatomy of the Blockbuster Novel by another editor at the publishing house I work for, who was impressed at the thought of an algorithm that could predict whether a book would be a bestseller with 72 percent accuracy.

As someone who reads “literary” novels, has a disdain for tech evangelists bordering on the visceral, and regards the development of data-driven publishing with mistrust, I expected to be annoyed by the book. But it’s ultimately not quite as offensive to those sensibilities as it might seem. Rather than a “code” to help people write novels that’ll sell, or an algorithm of some kind that might drive book acquisitions in years to come, The Bestseller Code is about exploring why bestsellers like The Da Vinci Code or Fifty Shades of Gray appeal the way they do. And it offers support, through text mining (the process by which one discovers and extracts particular textual features from a book) and machine learning (the way one might process those features by feeding them into a machine that goes on to make predictions about, say, whether a given manuscript will achieve bestseller status or not), for research that was already done by folks like the scholar Christopher Booker, who read hundreds of books over decades, the old-fashioned way, and identified seven main plots for fictional narratives that authors Jodie Archer and Matthew Jockers find are corroborated by their own data.

Granted, there’s a bit of Jennifer Weiner-type “the commercial lit popular authors write keeps getting badmouthed by critics and the Literary Establishment!” stuff in the book. There’s also one baffling moment where Archer and Jockers make a claim that “the range of existential experience was much greater in bestsellers,” and defend that claim by talking about particular verbs that appear more often in bestselling novels than in non-bestsellers: “bestselling characters ‘need’ and ‘want’ twice as often as non-bestsellers, and bestselling characters ‘miss’ and ‘love’ about 1.5 times more often than non-bestsellers.” Verbs and isolated actions do not existential experiences make! But at root, Archer and Jockers’s research is the product of curiosity about what makes mainstream bestsellers sell the way they do, and whether readers have figured something out that acquisitions editors at big houses may not have yet.

As it turns out, there’s a degree of technical sophistication in Fifty Shades of Grey or The Da Vinci Code in the way these books follow a plot arc that manages to perfectly satisfy a commercial-fiction reader’s desire to be thrilled by dramatic stories and the fantasies they play upon. Specifically, for these books, it’s the “rebirth” plot, in which a character experiences change, renewal, and transformation. Which doesn’t sound revolutionary. But if you look closely at the plot structure, and the sequence of emotional beats in both novels, you see a rollercoaster shape that’s almost calculated to rivet the reader: these peaks of high, low, a high-high, a mild low, another smaller high, a low, and a final high (unless, like Fifty Shades, you need another low to set the reader up for the sequel). Authors and readers alike seem to have stumbled on such perfect, sophisticated structures. The writers happen upon them, rather than consciously being educated in them or consciously crafting them as more literary writers often do; readers seem to hunt them out by instinct: the books that best follow one of the seven plot structures are the ones that rise to the top.

There’s also one moment in The Bestseller Code that’s genuinely affecting, in the context of a discussion of Maria Susanna Cummins’s novel The Lamplighter, which in its time was scorned by Nathaniel Hawthorne and James Joyce. As Archer and Jockers put it, bestsellers and commercial novels are set in emotional terrains, more so than public ones. That is, they’re about their characters as they feel and act, within a world that’s taken as a given, rather than what novels classified as “literary” are often about—characters having to navigate a sociopolitical world that is itself a subject for the author’s comment, or an author’s self-aware exercise of and experimentation with language. And these novels “work for huge numbers of readers not because of what they say to us but what they do to us.” As such, these novels “need no shaming”: they just exist on a separate plane from the literary ones.

In the end, I didn’t mind getting this dispatch from that plane. I make occasional trips to other such planes: sometimes I’m in the mood for, say, Joe Abercrombie’s brand of fantasy, and I’ve read all the Harry Dresden novels; I also love some books that are the literary equivalents of summer blockbusters, like the Expanse series. But I know I won’t descend to the bestseller plane very often—and I do consider it a descent. To my mind, craft and thrill alone don’t give novels the most merit. I don’t read just to be entertained or to be moved, which is what bestsellers offer. I read in order to be made to think, in precisely the ways those literary, public-terrain, sociopolitical novels make me think. And I value them because they linger. They don’t just do things to me, work on me, crash over me like a wave and then recede; they speak to me, just as Archer and Jockers say, and what they say to me lives inside me for years to come.

What’s more, I already suffer enough with the tendency to “identify” with the characters in books I read without venturing into ones that indulge or depend upon that instinct as bestsellers do.

Finally, while Archer and Jockers’s algorithm does a fine job anatomizing bestsellers in a way that speaks to the merit they do have and the function they do serve, I don’t know that I’d trust its recommendations even if I were a passionate reader of bestsellers, considering the book the algorithm picked as the absolute best representation of what it considers a bestseller is Dave Eggers’s The Circle.

Which does reinforce that what an algorithm can’t understand is context. What keeps The Circle from being a bestseller, to my mind, is that the conceit—a woman who goes to work for a tech firm and is schooled in the particular inhumanities she needs to adopt in order to succeed in that increasingly human environment—is not the most engaging. The story may be too close to a specific reality, as opposed to the everyday worlds (e.g., in John Grisham, Jodie Picoult, or Danielle Steel) or the heightened settings (e.g., in The Da Vinci Code or Fifty Shades) in which bestsellers are best set. Perhaps the world in which The Circle takes place is so specific, and its concerns so urgent, that it doesn’t even need to be fictionalized to be of most interest; it seems that representation of Big Tech in memoir, like Anna Wiener’s Uncanny Valley, does better in the marketplace. And finally, Eggers himself is more a literary than a commercial author, something buyers of commercial fiction might be mindful of and trust less than one of the established names in the bestseller market. And he represents a different, past era in even literary fiction. We’re not in the age of the “Brooklyn Books of Wonder” anymore—the humorous triumph over adversity, the twee search for meaning and for love that characterized books of a certain time in the early 2000s. Really, all Eggers’s attempts to succeed beyond that trend—Zeitoun, What Is the What, The Monk of Mokha, A Hologram for the King—seem to me to have been tepidly received. The culture has moved on from his particular moment, and it moves in vogues an algorithm can’t always track.

I’ll also say that, seeing how Donna Tartt’s The Secret History, another book I reread recently, did so well in its day, and how it holds the fuck up—the plot and writing remain absorbing, and the atmosphere as seductive and pleasurable as ever; and that it gets namechecked so often in trends like dark academia suggest teens are exercising their beautiful prerogative to learn all the wrong lessons from that book to this day—I’ll say it’s a safe bet you can write a literary bestseller too, if you wanted to.

*

Anyway. Perhaps you’re reading this piece hoping to learn how to write a bestseller yourself. If so, here’s the skinny:

Keep your primary focus on two or three themes. And keep those themes basic. Archer and Jockers list ones like “kids and school”; “family time”; “money”; “crime scenes”; “domestic life”; “love”; “courtrooms and legal matters”; “maternal roles”; “modern technology”; “government and intelligence.”

Make sure your book has a central conflict—and make sure your protagonist is an active agent in that conflict and in her life generally, knowing what she needs and going for it, acting and speaking with a degree of assurance. Characters in bestselling novels grab, think, ask, tell, like see, hear, smile, reach, and do. Characters in lower-selling literary novels, on the other hand, murmur, protest, hesitate, wait, halt, drop, demand, interrupt, shout, fling, whirl, thrust, and seem.

Shape your story to fit one of the seven archetypal plotlines the authors identify:

A gradual move from difficult times to happy times

The reverse, a move from happy times to more difficult ones

A coming-of-age story or rags-to-riches plot

A “rebirth” plot in which a character experiences change, renewal, and transformation

A “voyage and return” plot in which a character is plunged into a whole new world, experiences a dark turn, and finally returns to some sort of normalcy

Another “voyage and return” plot in which the character herself voyages into the new world, fights monsters, suffers, and finally completes some sort of quest

A story in which your protagonist overcomes a villain or some threat to the culture that must be eliminated so she can change her fortunes back to the good

And make sure you time the emotional beats of your story to follow the curve of your plotline. For instance, The Da Vinci Code and Fifty Shades both follow the “rebirth” plot, and the respective authors ensure the arcs of the romances in both books match the curve of the plotline too, keeping the reader hooked in a way that’s, ultimately, structural.

Be sure to pepper your plot with scenes in which characters are intimate in casual ways. Much is made in The Bestseller Code of the intimacy reflected in a tactic John Grisham uses in a couple of his novels, which is to have his protagonist go over to a love interest’s house with wine and Chinese to just hang out and let her in on how he’s feeling.

Sex that doesn’t drive the plot forward doesn’t go over well. Avoid it. Even in romance novels (as opposed perhaps to erotica), sex is usually in service of the storyline.

Seek for a balance between features in your prose that speak to the more literary, refined style that often comes from institutions of education and letters, and the more journalistic, conversational, everyday style of writing one might intuitively associate with commercial fiction (shorter sentences, snappier prose, with more conversational and casual writing, more words like “okay” or “ugh”). These aren’t especially rigorous categories, I’m aware. Just use your best guess; you’ll probably be fine.

[bangtanfancamp]

✨This or That!✨

Hello loves, I was tagged literal ages ago by @curly-bangtan (who is such a sweet human btw! Thank you for the tag :’) it’s impossibly sweet of you) and am in the backseat while road trippin so I’ve finally got some free time to fill this out! I’m so excited !! I love these things !so without further ado🙃 Lessss gooooo

• slow burn or love at first sight

I guess to clarify, I love an instant spark of attraction and a long treacherous road to resolution- while also being painfully obvious that there is attraction and also while being overtly flirty but no one has the emotional motor skills to just be upfront about it already

•fake dating or secret dating

Oh, 1,000,000% fake dating. It is one of the single greatest regrets of my life that no one has ever asked me to be their fake date or gf. Because I would have been F A N T A S T I C at it. But I guess I’ll never get to live out that pretend to real slowburn in real life after all.... also, secret dating can feel really sucky and isolating so I don’t recommend.

•enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers

Oh god, must I really pick between my children? My whole life it was best friends to lovers. Now that I am currently dating the guy who was my best friend, I really melt over the fiery tension of enemies to lovers ... GOD! it’s so satisfying!!! But I think best friends to lovers still has to squeak by just by an ounce. (I’m a softy at heart, what can I say?)

•oh no! There’s only one bed or long distance with correspondence

Oh far and away, the one bed trope! No contest. I also deeply regret that I haven’t figured out how to make myself attractive enough for someone to try to pull this one over on me. *sigh* well, what can you do? .... also, did a long distance relationship for...6.5 years? And yeah, if you’re a romantic like me- it is dreadfully unfulfilling, let me tell you.

•Hurt/comfort or Amnesia

Mother freaking amnesia A L W A Y S !!! Heck yes! Are there amnesia fics??? 🤭I’ve never found one! But I absolutely love this trope in stories and movies. One of my all time favorites- which AGAIN- has not had the decency to actually come to fulfillment in my real life: Like why has park Jimin never showed up spontaneously at one of my doctors appointments trying to convince me that we’ve been best friends who were secretly in love with other since we were 14 and we finally just got engaged or married a month ago and his life is incomplete without me but he’ll patiently wait for me to love him in return again in my own time but in the meantime, he’ll love me in any and every little way he can until I fall for him again? Huh? Where is it! .... was that too specific😅?

•Fantasy au or modern au

no contest. Give me medieval maidens and dragons any day. I live in modern day. Lemme tell you- she ain’t that special.

•mutual pining or domestic bliss

cue Schmidt from new girl-“I can do this AWL day, son- AWLLL DAY!!” Yessssss!!! Mutual pining is my crack! Give it to me! Always! Gimme it! (Why can’t I have the things that I want!) okay this is just a Schmidt quote/rant post now. ..... I really want to love domestic bliss. And some of the writers who are excellent at it absolutely take my breath away at how beautifully they romanticize the every day. But outside of their writing, I have no scope of how to conjure that wonder up on my own. It is a skill I deeply lack. In real life, I just wind up feeling like the bliss is boring- gimme some pining! Some angst! Some tension!!! Even if I do love me some fluff. Someone once I told me that I was in love with the idea of someone being in love with me. Gotta say, he’s not wrong.

•canon compliant or fix it fic

Honestly, I can’t say I’ve read very many of either. But I do like to see how people flex their creativity.

•alternate universe or future fic

My favorite tv show of all time is Fringe (god bless you, JJ Abrams). Your girl LOVES alternate timelines, multiple universes, flashpoint, paradox, butterfly/ripple effect- all of it!! Dear god, yes! Give it to me! (Also, every time I have a crush or dream that doesn’t work out, I comfort myself with the thought that somewhere out there, there’s an alternate timeline version of me that is happily existing with said boy or flourishing in said dream endeavor. It’s a tremendous source of comfort).

Although, I must say, in the comic realm, alternate universes can sometimes frustrate me- like genuinely, could we not just make the alpha timeline the most incredible one? Instead of the best relationships and plot threads never being actual canon?! Can we get it together??? Or are alternate timelines just the comic industry’s way of writing their own fix it fics, generations after the original protagonist has been painted into a corner. Also, how hard must that be? To write endlessly for the same character for 60+ years? We write one fic or a couple books for the same character... could you IMAGINE having to supply 60 years worth of consistent weekly or monthly context!!! Wild

•one shot or multi chapter

I prefer multi chapter because I prefer getting engrossed in an entire work/world. Usually I am left wanting with a well written one shot, because they’ve made it so real that I can’t stand not having more- so my greedy butt loves the feast of multi chapter so I can have as many delicious moments and details with these characters as possible.

I do however deeply admire the skill and brevity it takes to made a succinct one shot. @underthejoon and @kpopfanfictrash are both brilliant as heck at that. And it is admirable as all get out.

•kid fic or road trip fic

honestly, considering how much I swoon over men who are good with children in real life, and how much I look forward to being both pregnant and a mom one day, I really never get into kid or pregnancy fics. I just don’t? Don’t know why. But a road trip!???? Oh heck yes!!! 👏🏽Where 👏🏽do 👏🏽I 👏🏽sign 👏🏽up!!???👏🏽

•reincarnation or character death

Oh absolutely reincarnation. I love that. I blame sailor moon for that.....But also, I think it’s just very in line with my love of alternate universes and timelines. I love how everything is connected/weaves together and feels predestined in the best way. I’m a complete sucker for it

•arranged marriage or accidental marriage

Like @curly-bangtan I legit had no clue accidental marriage was a thing? Unless you count being drunk at Vegas and waking up with a ring or we’re on some Jacob and Leah/Rachel level ish (which is really and truly the WILDEST™️ story ever ya’ll) ..... but I love a good arranged marriage scenario. The tension/push pull and inevitable relenting is so fun. But will say though, why the heck do women always fight it? Like there’s literally a whole Kim taehyung or Kim Namjoon offering to voluntarily love you and you wanna whine about it???!?! How dare you

•high school romance or Middle Aged romance

This, again, one is a pretty firm, resolute one for me. I’ll take high school. I’ve always felt a little oddly uncomfortable with more mature™️ romance stories? Not sure why. But I think the really beautiful ones always hark back to the beauty of their feelings being refreshing like the innocence of their first love. I know I personally can over glorify youth, but I love coming of age romance (high school, college, twenties) and no one can stop me!!!! I will say though, I have a secret soft spot for the niche of story where people have loved the same person since they were young and the timing just never works out but they finally find each other when they’re older. (One day is like that, and film or movie, it will absolutely rip your heart out-my god, it’s beautiful)

•Time travel or isolated together

These are both freaking AMAZING! But if anything has been established in this post, I think it’s my deep love of alternate timeline/reincarnation/time travel stories. I think they’re all from the same cloth. I adore them (I just haven’t written one because I’m not sure I could do the subtlety of it any justice.) maybe one day. My favorite writers are rumored to have the same Myers’s Briggs type as me so maybe I too could someday have a fraction of their world building skill.

I 100% love both of these so neither is a loser. But give me isolated together AND one bed in the same fic???? Speakers blown

•neighbors or roommates

I have never had the pleasure of having an attractive neighbor, though I often pined for it. (I have a bomb idea for a neighbor Hobi fic though) I did have a cute neighborhood boy who occasionally cut the grass for us in high school. But that doesn’t really count.... anyway! I LOVE the idea of being roommates with an attractive boy!!! Like holy guac, can I please????? Cocktailing this trope makes me swoon harder than none other- best friends to lovers + roommates? Yes. Enemies to lovers + roommates? Holy heck. Soulmate au + roomates???? Hold my sweet tea. MUTUAL PINING AND ROOMATES!!!! Pregnant. Fantasy/magic au+ mutual pining + best friends to lovers + soulmate au + reincarnation + roommate au!?!?!?!! frickin dead in the streets, homie.

I cannot say enough how much I enjoy roomate au. In a serious conversation, I once legitimately told my current boyfriend that the idea of marriage freaks me out- but the idea of being best friend roomates with sexual tension sounds like a dream come true. God help me.

•sci fi or magic au

I love sci fi. Deeply. But I will never love logic more than magic. Ever. (All my infp’s! come join me in the comments. 🙈)

•body swap or gender bend

Body swap has always deeply intrigued me. Especially in film. But I’ve never seen it in a fic. I’ve always wanted somebody to be able to switch into my body to feel physically, mentally and emotionally like i do. The deepest level of empathy & jean grey telepathy if you ask me, even if the trope is generally used for comedy. But the idea of switching into a dudes body and having to deal with their anatomy low key freaks me the eff out. If I got stuck in jungkooks body, I don’t think I’d pee or shower for a week 🙈 sorry everybody. I was really sheltered ok? Please don’t come for me. Lol...... also, have never seen a gender bend fic. Not sure how that would work. Not my favorite idea.

•angst or crack

Angst is my crack.

Honestly though, if it’s well written, it doesn’t feel ‘angsty’- cuz that means whiny or clunky to me. Well written ‘angst’ just feels emotionally compelling, I think. My writing weirdly leans toward what I hope is real angst (I e solid, genuine conflict and not petulance), but when I seek out a read, I look for crack honestly.

• apocalyptic or mundane

I offer you one better- a love story of the beauty of the mundane amidst the apocalyptic.

*mic drop*

Seriously though, the setting provides enough tension usually. Especially if it’s zombie apocalyptic. Just let jungkook’s fingers delicately trace my palm and smile, sweet and lopsided at me in the candle light, while we hide away in our little bomb shelter that I’ve turned into a jungle garden to bring life into this wasteland a la secret life of arrietty. sigh. Maybe I need to write this....

My gosh!!! We made it to the end! That was so much fun! Thank you for tagging me, sweetness!💕✨ 🙂

I’ll add a tag list shortly- @laurelevermore @lamourche @bts-fantasy @urlocalkpoptrash @thedreaming-poet @kimcheeeeeeeeee @hayjeon @outrotearot7 @lorengarcia-yut @bts-luvvv @chicpalestinian @flyingchixenwing @glodenclosetau @space-mermaid-in-love @thiccasswonhoruinedmylife @minminslittlemonster

Copy and paste if you can. Or if you’re dealing with a piece of technological antiquity like me and it won’t let you, then screen record/screenshot it and pop back and forth between the tabs 😅(also Thanks for dealing with the completely unnecessary treatise I added beneath every bullet point. It was just so much for fun to explain WHY I chose each one than to just say yes/no. I’ve said it before, written brevity is just not my strong suit.)

[eldritchsurveys]

705.

When was the last time you attended a barbecue? >> It’s been a while.

Have you ever experienced contagious yawning? >> If so, it was an exception. Sparrow yawns all the time and I don’t yawn just because she does. Didn’t know that was so abnormal.

Can you handle movies involving lots of bugs and insects? >> Yeah. Although the way the scarab beetles burst out of the ground in the Mummy flicks is always fuckin creepy as shit.

Where would you like to be in ten years? >> I have no designs upon the future.

Is this the only blogging site you frequent? >> Yep. I do read more “formal” type blogs on other websites, but I only participate on this one.

Were you ever a vampire for Halloween? >> I was never anything specific for Halloween.

Are you borrowing books from anybody at the moment? >> Actually, no, I don’t have anything checked out from the library’s ebook database for once. And that’s only because I’m reading a book on Scribd instead. (I got sick of KDL never having any of the books I want to read.)

Do you know anybody who doesn’t like pizza? >> It’s possible, but I haven’t been informed about it if so.

What is one similarity between your parents? >> ---

Do you keep scissors in your kitchen? If so, where? >> Yeah, in a drawer.

Is there anything on the wall in front of you? >> There’s a poster over the dresser.

What has the weather been like lately? >> Mild-ish, cloudy/rainy. Season is trying to change.

Do you own any products by Fender? >> No.

Is there a book store in walking distance? >> Nope. Not unless I was a gung-ho type walker who had no problem walking a few miles (and then a few miles back).

When was the last time you used a pay phone and who were you calling? >> I actually remember this. It was in February of 2016 and I was calling the number on my direct-deposit card to see if my first retroactive SSI payment had been deposited or not. It had been. It was a very good day for me.

What is the funniest movie you’ve seen recently? >> I guess Clue. I haven’t watched a lot of comedies recently (mostly because they tend to be quite so hit or miss with a marked emphasis on missing).

Have you met everyone who lives on your street? >> I haven’t met anyone in this complex.

You’re having trouble finding an outfit to wear for an important event. Who do you go to for help? >> I have a suit, I’ll just wear that? Not that difficult.

Is there any kind of design on your socks? >> ---

What color are your nails painted right now? >> They aren’t.

Do you have a boyfriend? >> No.

What are your plans for tonight? >> I don’t have any plans. I’ll probably just mess around on this website or read more Invisibles or something for a few hours and then bed down and start in on the book I’m reading (or, I guess I should say, about to read).

Do you want a tattoo? If so, what of? >> I always want tattoos.

Are you excited to go back to school? >> ---

When did you last write out your name? >> Uh... good question.

Do you ever think you’re anorexic? >> No, because I’m not anorexic.

Are you comfortable to go out in public with no makeup? >> Yes.

Curling iron or hair straightener? >> ---

Is there any band you would love to see right now? >> I’d like to see Orville Peck. Actually, I wouldn’t mind seeing any band that didn’t have a huge crowd (or had seating instead of GA). I love live music but my tolerance for crowds has dropped significantly since I left NYC.

How long until you kiss someone again? >> I don’t know, it’s not something I plan.

Do you have a thing for older guys? >> Sure do. But it’s purely aesthetic/fantasy-based, because, you know.

Would you rather write in pink pen or blue pen? >> I’d rather not write in either.

What’s your favorite tv show? >> Grey’s Anatomy is one.

What show are you most excited to see this fall? >> First I have to think of shows that I watch that are even still airing... I don’t even know what’s coming up this year. I just wait for gifsets of scenes I don’t recognise to start being bandied about on my dashboard and then I go “oh holy shit that show’s back. I should start watching again”, lmao.

Do you like being kissed on the neck? >> Yes. Inworld, you understand.

What friend can you tell everything to? >> Can Calah.

Do you accessorize your outfit? >> Sure?

[jq37]

sis have you seen the new fantasy high ro and if so pls share your blessed thoughts with us

*dishing with demon spoilers*

Siobhan casting ray of sickness on the DM and, later, Adaine having to quickly clarify that she didn’t cast ray of sickness on Kristen when she was existential crisis barfing. 

No one can say “lunch lad” without breaking composure immediately. 

Riz trying to confer with the rat. AND THEN IT WORKED LATER. WHAT.

“Mr. The Insatiable”

“You were the angel of eating the right amount of food?”

I love Gorthalax. He’s so well spoken and awkward but also really frank and earnest. That whole conversation was gold.

Everyone trying to hardline veto Kristen becoming a warlock. Also I checked and warlocks don’t have healing spells which, for this mishap prone group, is, uh, not good. 

“Is he my dad?” is becoming my favorite running joke.

Oh thank Sol, Gorgug went to heaven. Sucky orc heaven, but I knew he was a good boy.

If there are multiple heavens and hells, which one do you go to if you don’t actively worship a specific god?

“Your dad is a demon.” “Uh, your dad is a pirate and we’re not rude about that.” “Um, actually, he’s a privateer” “MMM.”

I love that it took them like a solid 5 minutes to make the connection from, “The portal needs a direct connection to Sol” to “Maybe they were trying to make Kristen the portal” because that conversation was all over the place. 

Gorgug acting like for even a second he knew what perditional condradoxy meant. 

Why is this show so rat focussed? 

Adaine, who has only ever eaten fancy food up until a month ago: Only being able to grant ice cream wishes is a bad thing????

Ally going all shocked disbelief when Fig wanted to disguise herself as a pre-med student as if they weren’t just suggesting Kristen join  TERRORIST ORGANIZATION. 

That being said, WHAT? FIG WHAT?

“Roll opposed athletics to medically fight the sand demon”

GUN DOCTOR RIZ

And then it just turns into an episode of GREY’S FREAKING ANATOMY (which is a show that must be amazing in a setting like this btw. Like, how do you jump the shark in a world where ice cream genies are a thing?)

This is Fig’s second fake job now that I think about it. She also rolled really well to be a fake bouncer. Wait, Jawbone works at their school now so he has to know she was lying, right?

Anyway, that was peak bard. 

Man, Brennan is such a good DM. I don’t think I ever would have let that nonsense sequence happen in my game but it was so freaking good. 

Adaine using mage hand to rig heads or tails with Fabian and Gorgug. She’s my favorite.  

Fabian, the same day they had a huge battle with MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS: We dont fight children. Don’t you though?

“No I never get what I want.”/”I often get what I want and I’m very satisfied” Tag yourself. 

Adaine being proud of figuring out the bus system. I feel like I wrote that. Also, I just moved to NY and same girl.

Jawbone being a great counselor is 100% funnier than him being an incompetent one like I would have assumed.

Good on Adaine for doing an arcana check on her gift because that whole sequence threw up trap alarm bells in my head. (Did they even tell Gorthalax about the tin flower? And I feel like he should hate rubies at this point, not be giving his daughter a Ruby guitar pick).

Oh, btw, I loved all the stuff with Fig and her dad. Emily roleplayed that so sincerely (when she wasn’t messing around). I especially liked the part before he left when she was lie, “Why didn’t you have someone come get me?”

THE INITIALS T.B. ON THE FRONT. The realization dawning on Murph’s face was incredible. 

“Huge bird tits” EMILY. MIDDLE NAME. AXFORD. STOP DESCRIBING SEXY ANIMALS.

This group is so bad at tag team lying. From a meta game standpoint, they players are super good at RPing but they choose to RP people who are just so bad at improv. Especially Emily. What an agent of chaos. 

Adaine just cutting through the nonsense and casting friend on Skarnk.

 Was Brennan a psych major or something? I feel like we keep getting taken on these journeys through the human (you know what I mean) mind. (That whole sequence with Shellford was so depressing).

It must be so weird to live in a world where at 14 year old can potentially know a spell that lets the read your thoughts.

OK so Kristen. My question is, did Brennan and the group know how far Ally was gonna go with her? Because the entire group always seems hysterically caught off guard by every crazy thing that comes out of Ally’s mouth, but like as themselves, not just as their characters. 

Man I hope Ally’s childhood wasn’t as dramatic as Kristen’s.

Kristen: Do you guys mind spitting up? Famous last words, girl.

“Praise Helio, we’ve got to go.”

Emily goading Ally into making another truly terrible speech.

Gorgug insisting on always standing in front of everyone.

DAYBREAK. I knew that guy was a dick but I didn’t think he was actively end the world evil. So that’s gonna be wild.  

[write-havoc]

This Is How I Disappear Ch. 3

Summary: A girl named Chuck finds herself in the exact place she doesn't want to be, living with violent men in a desolate nursing home. After her former gym teacher finds her, will he be the savior she was looking for?

Fandom: The Walking Dead AU

Pairing: Negan/Original Female Character

Status: Completed (story continues in The Flame Is Gone, The Fire Remains)

Contains: swearing, violence, sexual assault, blood, smut

Readers 18+ of age only

Masterlists in my bio

Simon leads Chuck to the stairwell and they begin to descend. He pushes Chuck gently through the first floor doors upon reaching the bottom and they make their way through the meandering halls to a back stairwell that leads to the basement, silent the whole way.

“What happened, Chuck? What did you do, kiddo? Why is Negan punishing you?” Simon breaks the silence as they approach several metal doors lining a long, dark hallway.

“It… doesn't matter. I just… want to get this over with, please.”

Simon walks to one of the doors begrudgingly, pulls out a key, and opens it up. The room is small, just slightly bigger than a broom closet and completely stark except for a bucket in one corner.

  This should be interesting. I don't really know what I was expecting, but…

 “Get in.” Simon motions into the cell and she obeys.

“How long will I-“

He closes the door without another word.

  I guess that's part of the punishment, not knowing how long I'll be in here. This might not be so bad, I mean, I don't mind being alone. Sure, it's dark and uncomfortable, but it's not exactly torturous, is it? I guess I’m glad I’m not on “fence duty”.

I wonder what’s the longest someone has stayed in here. And do different infractions have different lengths of punishment? Like, “five days for stealing, one for not kneeling fast enough, SEVENTY-FIVE FOR FLIRTING WITH WIFE NUMBER THREE!”

 She makes herself giggle with her internal Negan impression, but it fades quickly. She realizes that she must be getting delirious from lack of sleep. She paces around a bit, letting the gravity of her situation sink in, and then sits down on the cold concrete.

  Hmm. Yup. This is going to get uncomfortable really quickly. I wish I had put on a sweater today. I could use it as a pillow. Or blanket. It's actually kinda cold in here. Jeez, I'm already complaining and I've only been in here, what, three minutes?

I need to keep my mind occupied. Think of something. I wonder what Negan’s men are doing at Rolling Acres. Maybe they'll plant more crops. There's room for it there. Of raise animals. They might be more successful than I was at keeping them. I wonder how many people Negan has stationed there. Would someone live in my old room? Sleep on that bed… Okay, I don't want to think about that.

A song, maybe. I wonder if people are still making music out there. God, I would love to play something again. I probably can here. The fences are far enough away that the dead won't be attracted by it. I was always so afraid to play before. Even at Rolling Acres. I wish I had my mom’s old guitar. It wasn't in the house when I went back there to see if she was…

I miss her so much. I wonder what she would tell me to do now. She always knew just what to say to make me feel better…

 ——— Chuck’s POV ———

— 7 years ago —

 “You okay, sweetie? The doctor said you can take your pain pills every four hours. You should be about due for some.” My mom is staring at me from the other side of the couch, knitting a blanket for her work friend’s daughter who’s pregnant. The tv is playing an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I never really liked that show, but my mom absolutely loves it.

“Oh. No. I'm okay. I can hold off on the drugs for a while,” I’m not really in too much pain at the moment. I have my cast left foot propped up on our ottoman, with a few pillows underneath it for extra comfort. I can't believe that I broke my ankle going down two stairs on our porch! What kind of a klutz does that? Ruined my whole weekend. Now I have to go into school tomorrow and try to hobble around to all of my classes. I haven't even really gotten the hang of these crutches, yet.

Ugh. And now I'm gonna have to talk to Coach Negan about how I can participate in gym. I can't exactly run, or jog, or do anything we’re doing in that class. And I need the gym credits to graduate. Stupid me didn't get them out of the way early, so now I have gym class every day of my senior year to make them up.

“You sure you're okay? You're making a weird face.”

“I'm just anxious about tomorrow. I'm going to have to talk to your favorite teacher about an alternate lesson plan, considering my condition.” I lift up my left leg and wave my cast in the air as much as I can.

“Who's my favorite teacher?” My mom giggles a bit and I give her the “really?” face.

“Coach Negan.”

“Mmmm.” She nods. “Oh yeah. Coach Negan. He's so hot.” She fans herself to hammer her point in.

“Mom! Don't lust after him so much! It's weird… and gross.”

“Come on! You have to see that he's gorgeous.”

“Well, yeah, I have eyes,” I agree. He is a very handsome man. “He's just… my teacher. I can't look at him that way.”

“No, you're right. You shouldn't look at him like that, sweetie. Stay away from older men. Especially ruggedly handsome older men. Who have that bad boy thing going for them. And dimples.”

“Mom! Stop!” I exclaim, trying to stifle a giggle.

She laughs. “I'm just teasing!” She leans over and hits my arm playfully. “Well, why are you dreading having to talk to Professor HotBody about class? Is he an asshole or something. I bet he is. The really handsome ones usually are.”

“Not really. Well, I mean… yeah, he kinda is, but not to me. He’s only mean to the kids who are... you know, douchebags.”

“Why are you so anxious, then? He'll understand that you can't participate. I'm sure he'll work with you.”

“Yeah. I know that. I'm sure I'm not the first kid to break a bone. It's just that… just being around Negan makes me really nervous. I hate talking to him. It always gives me the hiccups.”

“Aww! It's always so adorable when you hiccup!”

“No, it isn't, mom. It's embarrassing and makes me want to die.” I let out a dramatic sigh as she makes an incredulous noise. My mom doesn't really understand what it's like to be awkward and quiet. She's perfectly comfortable around people. She never worries that she'll look stupid or do the wrong thing. “You've never really talked to him, so you don't know what he's like. He's just so…” I gesture my hands, trying to think of the right word, “ intense. He's super confident. And loud. And he swears all the time. He also talks with his whole body.” I throw my arms out and gesticulate wildly. It makes my mom laugh. “Being around people like that just makes me nervous. You know I'm weird like that. I didn't get your ‘normal people’ genes. I got dad’s awkward ones.”

“Well, you'll just have to think out exactly what you want to say to him and go over that a few times. Then you won't be scrambling to think of what to say when you're in front of him.”

“Yeah. I think I'll do that. His prep period is the same as my study hall, so I think I'll talk to him then. I don't want to interrupt one of his classes, or anything. And that’s the period right before my gym class, too, so it'll work out perfectly.”

“There you go! No need to worry.”

 ———

 *Knock Knock Knock*

 “ Yeah ?” comes Negan’s voice from inside the room.

Okay, Chuck. Just open his door and go through the speech you have memorized. It'll be fine.

“Hi, Coach,” I say after I open his door. He is seated behind his desk going through papers of some sort.

He looks down my leg at my cast. “Holy shit, Chuck. What did you do? Break your foot off in someone’s ass?” He laughs hard at his own joke.

I chuckle a bit. It’s kinda funny. “Uh, no. I tripped on my porch stairs like an idiot.” I hobble awkwardly around to sit in the chair in front of his desk, leaning my crutches on the chair beside me. “But, uh, that's why I'm here. I needed to talk to you about gym class. I can't participate normally, so I thought that, maybe, I could write reports on a sport… or an athlete, or anything you want, really. I could do a report for every class to make up credit-“

“Fuck that shit,” he interjects.

“Wha-“

“I didn't become a gym teacher so I could read fuckin’ reports. No offense, kid, but I'd rather have my nutsack ripped off by a chimpanzee than read fuckin’ book reports about the history of baseball or some shit.”

“I, uh..” *hiccup*

Ugh. Great. I really did not expect him to reject my idea. Now I'm all flustered.

“Look, you're a good kid. You're not a little motherfucker like most of the rest of them. What grade do I usually give you? A?”

“Uh, y-yeah.”

“Congrats. You get a fuckin’ A this term.”

*hiccup*

He starts to laugh at me. Ugh! “The fuck? You got the hiccups now?”

Yes, Negan. I have the stupid hiccups because I'm a crazy person and can't have a simple conversation without my body breaking down into a bundle of anxiousness! Of course, I never would say that out loud, so I just nod.

“Just hold your fuckin’ breath and get rid of them.”

I do as he said and my hiccups go away. Wow. That actually works. Good to know.

“So… what do you want me to do during class?”

“Fuck if I care.” He thinks about it for a second while he looks at me. “Wait… you're fuckin’ right. If people see you doing fuck all and still passing the class, I'll probably get shit for it.” He leans back in his chair with a perplexed expression on his face. He casts his gaze down to the papers on his desk and a slow smile creeps onto his face. “You know much about football?”

“Um. I know that they score touchdowns and that the quarterback throws the ball…” I shrug. That really is about everything I know. I'm not exactly the sporty type.

“Do you know anything about fantasy football?”

“I've watched The League a few times…?” I give him a little shrug, not really knowing what he’s wanting from me.

“Hmm. Well here's what we're gonna do. You'll come here to my office, this period and we're gonna work on my lineup and shit.” He shuffles the papers around and picks one up that has a bunch of names and scribbles beside them. He puts it in front of me to look at. “This is my fuckin’ team. I need you to look all these people up and tell me every-fuckin’-thing about them. What position they play. Their performances in past games. Whether they started or not. What the fuck is going on in their personal lives. Any fuckin’ shit that might say how they'll play in the next game. Got it?”

“Uh… Yeah. I can do that.” I think.

“I'm gonna take the shit you give me and determine who I'm going to play in that week’s game. If the players I pick actually play and do fuckin’ well, then I get points. If I get more points than anyone else in my league, then I fuckin' win the season. That's fantasy football.”

“That makes sense… I guess.”

“Good. You can start by organizing all this shit I have here.”

“Okay…”

“I'll okay this all with the principal later today. It should be no problem. I'm still teaching you about a fuckin' sport after all.”

That's how it goes for a few classes. I would do his research on whatever guys he wants me to and I would bring it to him, all organized. He'd pick out his players and fix his lineup for the week. It didn't take Negan too long to realize that this work doesn’t exactly fill the entire period. Especially five days a week.

“Well, fuck. I didn't think this through. Now I feel responsible for educating you and shit for the whole period and keeping you fucking occupied.”

“Uh. I guess I can just read quietly while you do your work…”

“You know how to play chess?” he asks suddenly.

“…Yeah. I can play.” Why is he asking? That's… random.

He stands up and walks to a cupboard on his wall. He rummages around until he produces a wooden box. “Good. I haven't played in fucking forever. No one learns how to play fucking chess anymore.” He sets the box down on the desk and takes his seat. The board is one of the kind that folds up and contains all the pieces inside. He opens it up, spilling the pieces on his desk. The two of us scoop up our pieces and begin to set them on the board.

“Oh, uh… I'm not very good, I don't think.” Why did I say that? I know I am pretty good at chess. Not that I've played recently. I used to play with my mom all the time. And my dad. When I was a kid. Before he died.

“It'll be a short game, then.”

We each take our turns, carefully making sure not to make any mistakes. I see his expression change after a few turns, from a smile to a tight frown. He is deep in thought with each move of the pieces. I admit, he is great at chess. I didn't really expect him to be.

“Checkmate,” Negan says, finally letting his grin back on his face.

“Good game, Coach.” I hold out my hand to shake his. That is just good sportsmanship. My dad would be proud.

“Why the fuck did you tell me you weren't very good?” he asks as he shakes my hand. “I'm fuckin’ amazing at chess and I just barely won.”

I shrug, not really knowing what to say. “I don't know…”

“Don't fuckin’ do that. Downplay yourself. If you’re fuckin’ good at something, own that shit.”

“I, uh. Okay... I will.”

The bell rings signaling the end of the period. Thank god. That seemed like it was going to turn into an awkward “Do you have self esteem issues?” conversation. No, thank you. I don't need the pamphlet… again. I gather up my things and leave quickly, or as quickly as I can on my crutches, giving Negan a small wave as I pass through the doorway.

After a few weeks, I actually begin to get comfortable around Negan. We talk about football and the league as we play chess during our class time. Often, though, our conversations go to more everyday things and we get to know each other pretty well.

“There is no way you were a nerd in high school!” I exclaim between giggles.

“I didn't say I was a nerd in high school, I said a was a nerdy fuckin’ kid. I was a chubby fuck when I was little. My family was poor as fuck, too, so I had no friends. Pretty much all I ever did was read all those same fantasy books you read now and watch a ton of sci-fi shit. And play chess with my mom.

“No way! You were fat nerd?!” I giggle. The thought of him being anything but the way he is now is just funny to me.

“Fuck yeah, I was. Then I switched schools and shot up 6 inches when I was fourteen. And started playing baseball. That helped with the whole fuckin’ popularity thing.”

“So you went from nerd to jock just like that?”

“I never really stopped being a nerd.” He pauses. “But don't tell a fuckin’ soul that, Chuck.” He points at me and gives me a stern look.

“I don't believe you! Okay, okay. Favorite character from Lord of the Rings?”

“Aragorn. He's a badass!”

“Uh. What's the name of the ship from Alien?”

“Oh shit. Uh. Uh... Nostromo!” He snaps his fingers as he comes up with the name.

“Okay. Ah! What's this from, ‘Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most human.’?”

“Really? Fucking Wrath of Khan. Everyone knows that!”

“Ooooh.” I make a sarcastically impressed face. “Okay. Um… ‘All those moments will be lost, in time, like tears in rain.’”

“Blade Runner. Next.”

“‘Put on the glasses!’”

He laughs. “They Live! I'm surprised you fucking know that one!”

“It's a classic! Okay, okay. Oooh, I know! You'll get this one. ‘Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.’”

“Hmm.” He thinks for a moment. “Nope. Don't know that one.”

“What?! That's from Firefly!”

“Never heard of it.”

“Oh my god! It's amazing! It was a tv show but it only had one season. But it was soooo good. You should look it up. It has hookers in it. You'll like it.” I laugh at my own joke.

“Ha ha, Chuck. Very funny,” he says sarcastically. “I shouldn't let you fuckin' talk to me like that, you know.” He points at me as I move my bishop.

“Checkmate!” I exclaim.

“Fuck!” He snaps his gaze to the board. “You distracted me with talk of hookers!”

  ———

  We're meeting in the library now.

I read the note on Negan's door. Really, Negan? I gotta hobble all the way to the library now? You couldn’t’ve told me any earlier?

I make my way to the library as fast as I can, but still arrive after the final bell. No one stops me in the halls anymore, though, because of my crutches. Negan is waiting for me outside the library doors as I turn the corner.

“This way.” I follow him to a table in the far corner of the library. The chess board is already set up and waiting for us. We take our seats and began to play.

“Why are we meeting here instead of your office?”

“Because I fucking said so.”

Jeez. He's in a mood. I hate when he's cranky. It puts me on edge. He goes to move his pawn and I notice that his knuckles are all cut up and bruised.

“What happened to your hand?”

“I fucked it up.” He snaps back.

Okay. No conversation this time.

Or the next time.

Or the time after that.

He hasn’t been himself for a few days. Something is up with him, but I don’t know what. It takes a week of completely silent chess matches before things go back to normal… ish. We still meet in the library, but Negan is back to his old self, it seems. I don’t ask what happened and he doesn’t tell.

“I'm getting my cast off next week, so I guess this will be one of our last games.”

“Why?”

I’m confused at his response. “Why am I getting my cast off?”

“Don’t be a smartass. Why would we stop playing?” he clarifies.

“Well, I figured I'd go back to my regular gym class.”

“This period is still free for both of us. Why does you going back to gym mean that we have to fucking stop playing chess this period?”

“I guess it doesn't, really.”

“Good. Because I think I need to kick your ass a few more fucking times to get ahead of you on wins.”

“You're keeping count?”

“You're not?” He caught me. I am keeping count. And I’m ahead by four games.

“You can't just let me be ahead?”

“Fuck, no! There's no way I'll let you graduate holding that shit over my head.”

“We're going to play the rest of the year then?”

“What, are you that bored of me?”

“No, of course not. I just always thought you were biding your time until you could be rid of me.”

“Really? You think I'm that much of an asshole?”

“No. I didn't mean it like that.” Did I hurt his feelings? I didn't know that was possible.

“I told you when we fucking started that I thought you were a good kid. And I haven't played chess like this since fuckin’ college.”

“Thank you, I think. That's a compliment, right?”

“Well, I meant it as one, so you're fucking welcome.” He smirks at me, but it quickly turns into a frown. “The fuck you lookin’ at, Brandon! ” Negan yells as he shifts his gaze to look behind me. I turn my head to see a boy from my class looking our way.

“Nothing, sir. ” He stands there for a few moments then leaves. That’s weird. I don’t really know what to make of it.

“Uh. What was that all about?”

“Don't worry about it.” Okay. That's all the info I'll get out of him. I know that tone.

“His name is Brendon, you know-”

“I know what his fuckin’ name is. I just hate that kid. Stay away from him, okay? He's a douchebag.”

I laugh a little bit at how Negan is talking about another student. He’s not wrong, though, about him being a douche. I hate that kid, too. He always harasses me, saying how good I look all the time just to tease me.

Negan rubs his beard and looks a bit uncomfortable. Maybe he’s not exactly back to his old self like I thought. “You know I would never be inappropriate with you, right?” he says quickly, as if he really doesn’t want to say the words.

I’m taken aback at the sudden change in topic. I know that some of the kids joke with me about my “extracurriculars” so they say, with Negan, but I never thought they actually believed it or talked with anyone else about it. I wonder if that stuff got back to him and that's why he’s acting so strangely. That would make sense, actually. He’s probably just been trying to cover his back. A male teacher meeting with a female student alone in his office could seem suspicious. But if Negan were to have an affair with a student, I’m pretty sure I would be his last choice.

“Yeah, I know. I trust you. I know you would never do anything like that,” I say genuinely.

“Good.” He looks at me with a strange expression. Like he’s trying to read my mind to make sure I’m not lying.  

“So… My mom wants to invite you and your wife over for dinner sometime.” I change the subject after a few tense moments because I really don’t want to dwell on that uncomfortable topic. I wasn't lying, though. My mom had been trying to get me to ask him over for dinner for a while. She said she wanted to thank him for being such a good teacher to me. I figured she just wanted to ogle him.

“Hmm.” He looks away, his expression becoming lighter as he looks back to me. “Yeah. I think we can come over on Thursday. Lucille will be fuckin’ happy. She loves meeting parents and shit. I fuckin’ hate it.”

“Well I'll be sure to tell my mom that.” We both laugh.

“I didn't mean your parents. You're one of the only kids I can fuckin’ stand. All the rest of those little douchebags were raised by fuckin’ big douchebags and I hate dealing with them. If your mom raised you right than she must be a pretty good woman.”

I laugh. My mom would probably love to hear him say that. “I should've had you write my college recommendations. ‘Chuck was possibly raised right and I can effin’ stand her’.” I make him laugh with my impression of him.

“You know, you can have a real smart fuckin’ mouth, sometimes.”

 ———

 “Dinner was delicious, Diane,” Lucille says while delicately patting the corners of her mouth with her napkin. She is very beautiful. Her silky straight dark auburn hair falls just past her shoulders and complements her icy blue eyes perfectly. Her stylish clothing flatters her petite frame and highlights her femininity. And she is the exact opposite of Negan. Quiet. Polite. Poised. With an air of nobility about her. I bet her family had money growing up. I wonder how she got with Negan…

“Yeah. That was fuckin’ great. We’ll have to have you cook for us more fuckin’ often.” My mom laughs. I warned her not to be offended by Negan’s language. Not that she’s against swearing to begin with, but Negan’s style of cursing can be jarring.

“You're more than welcome any time. You've been so good to my daughter, Negan. You know, Chuck doesn't have many friends, so you taking an interest has been so good for her.”

“Oh my god, mom. I'm right here,” I say lowly. I know my face has to be bright red since my cheeks and ears are burning hot. My mom gives me a smile as if she didn't just embarrass me horribly.

“She's a good kid,” Negan says while looking at my mother. Okay, guys. I am still here.

“Yes. You're a very fine young lady and I'm sure your future will hold great things,” Lucille actually says to me, smiling warmly. She seems so amazing. No wonder Negan settled down with her. Jeez, she’s so perfect that I kinda wanna settle down with her.

“Well I think it's about time for us to get fuckin’ going. Ready, babe?” Negan says to Lucille after a few more minutes of light conversation.

“I suppose it is getting late. Thank you very much for the delicious dinner, Diane.” Lucille makes her way over to my mother and gives her a friendly hug with Negan doing the same. “And very nice to meet you, Charlotte.” She hugs me, too. I've never really liked hugging people, but she is so nice, so I soldier through it. I try not to be too awkward, which is a feat for me.

“Nice to meet you, too.” I give her a smile.

Negan walks past me, giving me a small nod. “See you tomorrow, kid.” He turns back to my mom. “Will you see us out, Diane?”

“Oh, sure.” She follows them out to their car, which is parked on the street.

After a little bit, I walk upstairs to my room to get ready for bed. As I walk over to my windows to close the curtains, I look outside and see that my mom is hugging Negan and Lucille has her hand on my mom’s shoulder. That's kinda weird. What are they doing? It looks like they're consoling her, or something. But that makes no sense.

I watch them speak to each other for a few more minutes until Negan and Lucille get into their car and drive off. I change into my pjs and go downstairs to ask my mom about the encounter. I find her standing in front of the sink washing the dishes from dinner.

“What was that all about?” I ask.

“What, sweetie?”

“With Negan. Outside. I saw you talking with him.”

“Oh.” She clears her throat. “I was just telling him again how much his friendship with you means to me.” She continues to wash the dishes, not raising her gaze.

“Jeez, mom. You're gonna make him think I'm some pitiful outcast or something.”

She turns around and pulls me into a tight hug. “I love you so much, Chuck. I just want the world for you. And sometimes this world can be such a horrible place.” She kisses my forehead.

“Okay, mom. I love you, too.” I'm not quite sure what this is all about, but whatever. My mom could always be a bit overdramatic. “I'm headed to bed. Night.” I pull away from her and turn to leave the kitchen.

“Night, sweetie.”

 ——   ——

 Chuck is pulled out of her memories by the sound of the metal door scraping open. She covers her overly sensitive eyes as light floods the small room. Negan's large form casts a long shadow onto her as he steps into the doorway.

“Come on, Chuck. Time to go.” His voice is flat, emotionless.

Chuck slowly stands, stretching out her stiff limbs. As soon as she gets to her full height, she feels light headed. She tries to take a step, but her vision starts to tunnel. The last thing she feels before darkness takes over is Negan's arms wrapping around her.  

[yourdlmatchmaker]

I think this one is the longest match up I’ve answered so far… :’)

“Hello there, this looked fun. Could I have a long match-up please?

1. Physical appearance: 5'4" (163cm) 100lbs (45kg) very long dark reddish brown hair, dark brown eyes, olive skin (Mix of Thai, English and German) My look has been compared to a scaled down (in height) fashion model – that is long legs, very skinny, high somewhat hollow cheek bones, narrow face and a high forehead with almost no bust to speak of and a teeny tiny waist, I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

2. Personality: Oh my, where do I begin? Well, I’m definitely an extreme introvert. People usually seem to think I come across as very professional and aloof. I try to be kind and courteous to everyone I meet, but if they do or say anything that bothers me I can be a little prickly and sometimes downright vicious. Little do they know though that I’m like that, because I’m terribly shy around strangers and have a very strong desire to make people happy and protect them. I fear getting close to others, because I don’t want to hurt or be hurt and have a very hard time finding people I can bond with in both an intellectual and emotional way, so I hide behind distance and politeness. Just because I’m shy at first though, doesn’t mean I won’t be a chatterbox once you get to know me though. Once I’m comfortable with you I’ll share (almost) all of my ideas, random musings and gripes, if I think you’ll be receptive towards it anyways. That takes a very long time though and so far only two people have gotten to that point with me. For people that I’m friends with normally I tend to act in a sort of motherly way, giving them advice and helping them with their problems – sometimes admittingly to my own detriment. As well as taking care of them when they are sick or having emotional issues. I don’t like to help people, but on some level I feel like I must do so especially if I know them.

I’m normally a very logical person, so much so that I will occasionally say the wrong thing or offer ideas or advice when it’s not what the other person is looking for, which I realize after the fact but because I really like to just ‘fix’ things I have a hard time understanding that sometimes people need to emotionally vent, and I often just get confused by it. I’ll try to “be there” for them despite that but it is still difficult.

Despite my size and shy disposition I’m actually extremely hard to intimidate and will stand up for myself and other people very quickly. It doesn’t matter who my opponent is or how big, strong or powerful they are, I will stand my ground possibly to the end if I believe in my cause strongly enough (though because of my protective nature it is very easy to make me back down by threatening other people). No matter how many feminine things there are that I love, for some reason I always feel like I end up coming across as a bit too masculine and I often feel a bit more male than female. This isn’t necessarily out of a desire to be male, but rather I feel like I have more masculine than feminine qualities and also feel like I am sadly bereft in the supposedly more girlish personality traits of my sex. Despite this though I have no real desire to change my personality or sex, I am who I am after all. Nevertheless I remind people more of their brothers and sons, and my tiny social circle is all boys (at the moment.)

3. Scorpio (Sun), Gemini (Moon), Gemini (Rising) (The last two are important because despite having almost all of the Scorpio traits, once you get to know me I never shut up. ^_^;)

4. Hobbies/Interests: Drawings, painting (I like both fine art and illustration and can work in several different mediums – acrylic, watercolour, marker, ink and even digital art. Fantasy art, Surrealism, Manga and Impressionism are examples of styles I can do, and I’m still working towards improving my hyperrealist style.) I’ve been obsessed with making art since I was a very small child and at this point it’s really become my life’s work. I dedicate so much of my time, energy and resources to this that I forget to eat or sleep and become a bit of a shut-in. Reading: (Most of my books are non-fiction, though I do enjoy some older fiction on occasion – The Silmarillion, The Great God Pan and pretty much anything by H.P. Lovecraft being some examples. My library contains field guides, books on botany, mycology, medicine, artbooks, anatomy, geography, geology, microbiology, mythology, occult/witchcraft, religion, linguistics, phrasebooks, particle physics, cartography, calligraphy, history, psychology, genetics (…probably a lot more but we’ll be here for far too long.) Gardening: I love growing all sorts of things, but especially herbs and flowers. My living area is full of plants of many different kinds and I devote a significant portion of my time and energy to them. I also like to grow tropical plants from the seeds of fruit that I buy at the grocery store. Manga and Anime: I don’t seem immediately like the sort of person who would love popular culture, but the fact that I can enjoy some fun stories while reading or watching in a language that is not my native tongue has always been the main motivation behind this obsession. I’m also madly in love with cute things and ink drawings. Video Games: Another thing people probably wouldn’t expect by looking at me but… I have a HUGE collection of games (on my computer) of many different kinds. Like with anything else I do, I have to play everything in it’s original language (it’s more fun and respects the artistic integrity more.) I mostly like JRPGs and Visual Novels now, but I used to love Sierra games when I was younger, and some FPS like Doom. There is no type of game I won’t play. Though gaming is generally the lowest thing on my list of priorities these days. Cooking: I like to cook, can can do many different styles. Mostly Thai, but also frequently Japanese (both traditional and modern), Italian, German, English etc. I can cook pretty much anything though I don’t like baking as much. (I’m not super fond of sweets, except on the rare occasion when I must have them.) Fashion and Makeup: I am completely unable to leave the house without makeup and sunscreen and always have to make sure my clothing is at least presentable and neat. I actually enjoy applying makeup and like experimenting with it (I hate doing my hair though, the length is too much so I usually bun or ponytail it.) I also like a few Jfashions, Mori-Girl, Otome-kei and Classical Lolita especially. Unfortunately I’m also a very active person so I usually end up dressing in a more Korean style instead (tight high-waisted jeans, long sleeved tight black shirts and heeled boots – is running in heels a skill? XD), but when it’s practical to do so I love wearing the frilliest dresses I can find with a very poofy petticoat, a bonnet and floral designs. Hiking: I like to forage in the forest for mushrooms and plants when I can. I find that the fresh air and beautiful scenery calms me down and energizes me. Studying Languages: I haven’t had as much time for this lately, but it’s a side hobby. Unfortunately Japanese is the only one I’ve gotten particularly far in… (There are not enough hours in the day or night.)

5. I like: Tea (Especially Earl Grey, must be high quality or I get a stomach ache… yeah I know, its true. @_@), coffee (espresso in lattes or specialty black coffee made in a French Press, no drip :P), Self discipline, Quiet time, Nature, Music (all kinds, though especially symphonic metal), WalkingI love: My cats (though I get along quite well with all felinekind and animals in general (save humans :P), Plants (I mean every kind of plant, though trees and flowers stick out a bit), Fungi (even molds, though not when they’re growing on my food), Beautiful things, Art Supplies, Bright and pastel colours, Antiques, Books, Art, Paintings, Illustration, Shopping for art suppliesI dislike: When people look untidy, Foul smells, People that bore me, Small talk, Sloth, Loud noises, Erratic behavior, Selfishness, People who act overtly friendly and try to get close to you too fastI loathe: Cruelty (especially towards animals and children), Cowardice, Deliberate ignorance, People who complain a lot, Irresponsibility

6. I was unable to bond with my sole caregiver due to extreme child abuse and neglect on their part, In addition to that I was not allowed to attend school until my teenage years (I was educated very strictly at home, supposedly because I was too advanced to fit in at school – though it might also have been to keep me prisoner at home all the time. >_<). Due to this I have had a very hard time fitting in with society as my childhood was mostly spent alone, reading, drawing, playing computer games, spending time with the cats that I lived with and going out into nature (I made friends with a couple of squirrels.) Much of what I knew about people and the world was gleaned from books, magazines and the internet – although I was allowed to associate with a few family friends on occasion. I did have a very good intellectual education (though often held to impossible standards), but because I was so cut off from more normal ways of socializing I still have a very hard time relating to other people.“Relationship-wise” I’m umm… actually extremely submissive in private (^_^;) (Not something most people would expect as I seem very proud and dominant normally). I’m also very easy to embarrass as I’m not very comfortable talking directly about certain sorts of… umm… “romantic” things and avoid almost all forms of public affection. Above all else I look for people who can understand and relate to me via interests and experiences and who I can also relate to in the same way. Probably the same thing most people look for… but figured I should mention it. Would rather not be paired up with Ruki, I have a huge personal grudge against him that dates back to More Blood – and a part of me still plots his doom. (I apologize deeply to all the Ruki fans though.)

Hope this wasn’t too long, I feel a bit silly. (^_^;)

Take your time and have fun with this.

Could I please be anonymous?”

Admin Abi: Oh my~ what a long and detailed match up!! I really enjoyed reading it and I NEED to say that I felt identified with many parts!! Well~ I hope you get to see it “anon-chan” ;D and I thank you for the long wait. Long reply for a long match!

*finishing your match up*

Your romantic match is…

Reiji!

I must say/confess…I seriously I thought I was reading Reiji’s female description! I don’t intend to offend you and I apologize if I did. But you see…I want to explain myself a little more as to why I said it…

I'll tell you how you two met! After some time that you were studying in a school, you just wasn’t able to fit. Your parents then decided to change you into a more private school. They even changed you into a night-time school. During that time of the day, they thought you would be able to fit more since there would be less students as well as to keep your high level of education. They sing you up to this school and to be honest you weren’t very sure or excited about it. It would mean to adapt one more time and start all over again. Adapting to the time, education system and…met new people once again. On your first day you had a hard time finding your classroom…you were lost and let’s say you didn’t know exactly how you ended up in the chemistry laboratory. You knocked and…a handsome and elegant man opened. He seemed somehow annoyed, but he asked you what is that you wanted. You showed him your schedule and asked him where you could find your class. He gave you the directions and you thank him. This encounters seem to happen constantly since you seemed to always cross paths. He was always polite (and annoyed) and gave you instructions whenever you needed. One time you asked a girl of your class if she knew him so you could thank him properly for all his help. She was surprised and told you that he was no other that Reiji Sakamaki, the most popular family in school. She was more surprised that you get to be in good terms with the second eldest of the brothers.

“Reiji is well known to be the perfect gentleman…but he is unrechable. He’s cold towards everyone and thinks of himself above all. No one has see him dating any girl and he just closes himself in the chemistry laboratory, yet he is the top student in school. I really think you shouldn’t try to catch him, you’ll end up rejected” the girl told you. It’s not like you had those intentions with him in the first place, you just wanted to thank him. The next day you went to his class and simply left him a small note telling him how greatful you were. He was impressed? You couldn’t tell to be honest. You kept having encounters with him, you discovered that he was a little more open when you both were alone. He showed you his perfectionist nature as his sadist part. Yet…you seem to be unavoidable attracted to him. You of course were polite and a lady at first and that gave you extra points! He never confessed to you directly? He just simply let know that you now belong to him~.

He can’t believe how many things you both have in common. Just like you Reiji has an interest in botanics and science. You both have created a small garden with all types of herbs and a small section with flowers. You two sometimes have disagreements since you both are very logical, so you tend to discuss about some things. There were times in which you had troubles with him since he can’t stand being told what he should do (I mean it wasn’t your intention to offend him…you just tried giving him some advice!). Yet…even Reiji had it difficult to make you afraid…you were so difficult to intimidate, how you do it?.

He also had some troubles accepting or at least trying not to change you that much about your preferences. He sometimes have problems dealing with your more masculine nature…but well no one is 100% perfect. He sighs loudly and you know that you are doing something that is bothering him. He also doesn’t like that you tend to hang more with men that girls, yet he knows that even though you are nice and such with them…no one could provide you with the things he offers for you like a deep connection both mental and emotional. He also don’t mind the fact that you have social problems…I mean he manages to keep you with him almost all the time. He’s pleased whenever you dress like a lday or all cute just for him…it makes him feel good with the fact that he gets to know you better than anyone.

He understands what is like to grow alone and being force (in a way) to always give your best and being the best. He felt like he needed to have you all by himself and you fekt the same. You had someone to care for (well not literally but as a target to your attentions and love) and so has he. He always take care of you no matter the circunstances, he has found you and has no intention to let you go…never!

Your dates are mostly staying at his room, having a nice cup of Earl Grey tea (of the highest quality, who you think he is?) and discussing for hours about deep and serious topics. He enjoys your vast knowledge in literature, sciences, botanics, medice, linguistics, witchcraft (which he also has used), gentics…man, he can talk to you for hours and just like you said there are times you both wished the day had more hours to keep going. Even your drawings, pieces of art and knowledge in general never cease to stop to amaze him (he won’t admit it though…his biggest attempt to praise you, would be telling you “you did a good job” or “Indeed you are right about this”). Your interests are so vast that is incredible to make you both stop (Reiji is the one that always stops the conversation in order to go to sleep). Reiji sometimes have problems with your huge invest of time in your video games…but he accepts that a break once in a while is important. You small walks also doesn’t bother him that much…he has one of his familiars keeping an eye on you at all moments so he doesn’t have to worry and can concetrate on his chores and experiments in peace.

Reiji is a true gentleman: he always remembers the important dates, the things that you like and those you don’t. I can tell you that he knows perfectly that you are rather new when it comes with romantic things, so he doens’t push you into hand holding or kissing since he, himself, doesn’t like it. Your submissive nature with his dominant one makes a great combination, he feels so proud that he gets to see your true nature…and that you show it just for him…not just in a “pervert way”, but also as the chatty and even your akwardness. Because that true self with imperfections and all…is what makes you perfect to his eyes. You are so perfect together: YOU TWO HAVE SO MANY THINGS IN COMMON THAT HE SHOULD THANK HEAVENS FOR SENDING HIM SOMEONE AS PERFECT FOR HIM AS YOU!!

I hope you liked it and that I made sense? I feel that in some parts I wasn’t very clear or…maybe that was just my imagination…?

Either way hope you get to see it and like it of course…and thank you for your patience again!!