#but don't worry I've only been waiting to go to the doctor for six months after putting it off for a year after being told nothing was wrong

[thesearchforbluejello]

Overshare probably, but when I was a kid, I always assumed I'd have common sense when I was older.

Protein powder has disastrous effects on my digestive system; coffee has moderately less disastrous effects, but still substantial.

What was my bright idea this morning that was shockingly lacking in that common sense I'd assume I'd have by now? I made a protein shake with two shots of espresso in it.

This is having an effect somewhat like I imagine drinking napalm would have.

[entitled-fangirl]

Miller baby.

Pre-outbreak!Joel Miller x reader

Summary: the reader goes into labor.

Warnings: pregnancy, tooth-rotting fluff

Masterlist

..............................................................

Any day now.

Their sweet Miller baby was due at any point. 

Joel wasn't sure about all of it at the beginning, but as he saw Y/N swell by the day with his child, he became more open to the idea. 

Especially after Sarah's reaction when they told her the news:

"OH MY GOD, I'M GETTING A SISTER?" She yelled in the living room.

"OR a brother," Joel reasoned, "Can't say for sure yet."

"It's a girl, though." Sarah nodded, "I can feel it."

He laughed, "You can't feel nothin'."

…

Now the due date was approaching. 5 more days. Y/N was settled on the couch, breathing heavy, as she had been doing the entire week before as well. While she had intended to wait on Joel's arrival from work, the call to sleep had become too strong and won her over. 

Joel entered the house, setting his bag down rougher than he meant to. He threw his keys on the table by the door and shrugged off his jacket.

Expecting Y/N to have greeted him at this point, his eyes finally started to take in the room.

She was fast asleep at this point.

He smiled, cursing himself for being loud before. 

He quietly shrugged off his shoes and tiptoed to the couch where she laid. 

She glowed, even asleep at 9 months pregnant. 

He couldn't help running his fingers out her forehead softly to push the hair from her face.

Her eyes opened softly at the feeling.

"J…Joel?" She asked groggily.

His smile brightened.

"Hi, darlin'." 

She sits up and rubs her eyes, "When did you get home?"

"Just now. Don't worry." He rubs her thigh gently.

She nods and swings her legs to the side of the couch.

Joel's eyebrows furrowed, "What are ya doing, hon?"

"I'm gonna get up and make dinner." She says like it's a normal thought.

He laughs, "The hell you are!"

She's taken back by his tone, "W…what?"

"Oh, hon. I'm sorry." He cups her face, "I was teasing. I don't want you getting up and around like that just on account of me. I can make dinner."

She shakes her head, "But Sar-"

"Sarah will be fine." He reasoned, "She's staying at a friend's house tonight."

"Oh," she relaxed. "Okay. Well, you've worked hard today, so I'll-"

"Hey," he grabbed her hands gently. "Hey. Just…. Stay there. I'm not gonna let you."

Her face dropped, "Why not?"

Joel smiled sweetly, "Sweetheart, I've got it. You relax. I'm making dinner."

She nodded, "Okay, but I need to get up, anyway." 

He nods and grabs her arm to help her up. 

She lets out a little grunt and her eyes close in pain.

"Hon?" He asked, worriedly, "You hurtin'?"

She sighs and nods her head, "'m fine."

"Contraction?" He asked.

She nods.

"How far apart, darlin'? Talk to me." He says, pulling her close on the couch.

"I don't know, Joel," she says. "Maybe… six minutes?"

"SIX?" He yells, "Jesus. C'mon. We're going to the hospital."

She immediately pauses and breaks out a sob.

His face softens, "Oh." His voice sweetens, "Oh, darlin'. What… what's going on?"

"I.. I CAN'T DO THIS!" She sobbed.

"Sweet girl, c'mon." He sighed, rubbing her stomach softly. "You can do this. You're gonna be a great mother. You already are with Sarah."

"I love Sarah," she whines through the tears. "I just can't do this."

"Well, that's the only way we can get the baby here."

She sniffles, "I'm not strong enough to do this, Joel."

He smiles, "Darlin'. We'll just take you to the hospital. They know what they're doing."

She wipes her tears and nods, "Okay… okay."

"Alright. I'll grab the bag, you just get in the car."

…

"You're doing it. Good girl. You're doing so good." Joel sighed in her hair.

"Alright. Now push." The doctor said.

It felt like her body was being ripped in two. But at least the baby would be here when she was done. That was what she was telling herself. 

Joel brushed her sweaty hair from her forehead. "Almost there, darlin."

The sound of a baby crying relieved the both of them. 

"A healthy baby boy."

Y/N smiled sleepily. Joel felt his breath leave his lungs.

"He has your hair, Joel." Y/N smiled at the sight of the baby.

"You've made the prettiest boy, darlin'."

"We did."

"Yeah, we did."

…

Sarah had to refrain from screaming in joy at the sight of her new baby sibling.

"Oh. My. God." She whisper yelled.

Joel helped Y/N further into the house. "C'mon. Let's sit you down."

She slowly sat on the couch and grunted.

Sarah ran to Joel, who had the baby carry on his arm. "He's really ours?!"

Joel laughed, "Yeah, he's ours."

"I'm gonna be the BEST older sister, I promise!" 

Y/N laughed next. "Wanna go change his diaper?"

Sarah's face dropped, "Nevermind. I'm good. I'll just be mediocre." And she ran from the room.

Joel couldn't hold in his laugh as he set the carrier down. "You sleep. I'll take the baby."

Y/N smiled, "Thank you Joel."

He sat on the couch next to her. "'Course. I knew you could do this."

She sighed and closed her eyes, "I love you, Joel."

"I love you, darlin'."

.......................................................

[alj4890]

OK OK OK Chris and Tobias are perfect for each other. Period. Done. Put a period at the end of that sentence. So, what would have happened if this occurred: Ethan came to his senses before Tobias entered the picture; he and Chris are together, and eventually, she becomes friends with Tobias. She loves Ethan but realizes how well-suited she is with Tobias, but no matter... he never settles down, so it's not like it's an issue.... then one night, night he professes his love to her (this is essentially the beginning of my Delaying the Inevitable series lol ) He makes it clear there is no expectation, he just wanted her to know.

Feel free to answer freestyle or with an HC; don't trouble yourself with a fic. How would you see that playing out?

(Oh, and if Ethan found out... ooooh. Holy shit. lol)

🤣🤦🏻‍♀️ Okay. Oof. You know I can't resist doing another angsty fic. Something's wrong with me and this need to delve even further into heartache. So...given how I've head canoned my MC and how some scenes in OH canon are with Ethan, this is how I think it would go if he had wised up before Tobias came along. I've gone back and forth so many times on how things would end in this situation, but some things are inevitable after all.

This grew into a ridiculously long answer. So, I've divided it up into 3 parts.

Masterlist

Heart's Choice Part 1

Donahue's...

Tobias released a long, slow whistle.

"Damn." He muttered. "Is there anything you're not good at?"

Chris smirked as she headed to retrieve her darts from the center of the bull's-eye.

"I'm sure if we had enough time, we could find something." She teased.

Tobias chuckled as he tossed his darts down. "I think that's enough of Chris-kicking-my-ass games for one night." He nodded his head towards the bar. "I'll be magnanimous and allow you to buy me a drink for my wounded pride."

Chris couldn't contain her laughter as she followed him over to their usual spot. The two settled down in the worn down bar stools, laughing and talking, while sipping drinks.

It'd become the norm for the pair to relax together a few nights a week after work. They spent time laughing over shared frustrations and bits and pieces of their past, furthering their ever growing friendship. They were mostly left on their own, save for when Ethan would eventually show up.

When Naveen retired, Ethan stepped into his spot as Chief of Medicine. He'd spend long hours working just as meticulously as he had when head of the diagnostics team. He insisted that Chris not wait around the hospital for him each evening when her shift ended.

"Go have fun and relax for the two of us." He told her. "I'll meet up when I can."

Her roommates would occasionally join her along with Bryce and Rafael, but for the most part, she had Tobias for company.

She used to tease him that the only reason he came along so she wouldn't be lonely was because she'd been the one to recommend him as the new leader of the diagnostics team.

No one had been more shocked by that than Ethan.

************

Six months earlier...

"I don't think I'm ready." She admitted.

"You made a perfect score on your Boards." Ethan argued. "You have solved more of our cases since you joined than anyone else."

"I know." She reached across the diagnostics table for his hand. "But I feel like there is still so much left for me to learn from more seasoned doctors." Chris laced her fingers with his, bringing their clasped hands to rest against her cheek.

"I think if anyone should lead me and the team, it should be Tobias."

Ethan's eyes widened. "Carrick?!"

She chuckled over his surprise. "Yes, the Tobias Carrick."

"Really?" Ethan couldn't wrap his head around her giving this chance to someone else. "Chris? This isn't like your first year, is it? You almost didn't compete with the other interns to have a chance on the team because you were worried about your relationships with them."

"It isn't." She insisted, smiling softly. "Tobias was a great leader while you were on leave. He kept us going with new cases and guided us towards finding answers. Honestly, he reminds me a lot of you." She winked at him. "With a better sense of humor, of course."

Ethan snorted on that comparison. He couldn't argue with that.

"He is highly intelligent." He conceded.

"Yes, he is." Chris added. "And he's become a good man. Even you can see it."

"True." Ethan pulled her close. "For the record, I think you would be the perfect person to lead the team."

Chris draped her arms along his shoulders, scooting into his lap.

"You might be a little biased when it comes to me." She teased, pressing her lips against his cheek.

"A little." He smiled into her next kiss. "But then again, you are difficult to ignore."

"That can't be the only reason you're biased." She teased. With each word, she brushed her lips against his. "Surely there's something else about me that makes you favor me above everyone."

Ethan deepened the kiss, drawing out a sweet moan from her. His hands drifted up her body to cradle her face. He pulled away to look into her eyes, a soft smile grew the longer he looked at her.

"There are many, many things," he told her, "that makes me always pick you."

"Why Dr. Ramsey!" Chris teased. "It almost sounds like you love me."

"It better sound like that." He kissed her again. "Or I'll have to work harder on expressing what I think about you."

"I wouldn't mind a little more expressing." She shifted her hips closer, drawing a groan from him.

"I love you, Chris." Ethan said softly.

"You better." She playfully glared at him. "After all you put me through my intern year, made me fall in love with you, forced me to wait while you were in the Amazon; then--"

He silenced her with a tender kiss.

"You know I regret all that." He whispered.

"I know." She sighed, cuddling more within his embrace. "But I don't."

"You don't?"

"No." She squeezed him in a hug. "If I had to go through all that to end up with the man of my dreams, I'd gladly do it all over again."

Ethan held her close, brushing another kiss to her lips. He was still puzzled over how he'd managed not to lose her. His futile attempts to keep Chris at arm's length, lasted barely a day after he'd returned from his time in the Amazon.

She was his one weakness in life which somehow turned into his greatest strength. She put up with his moods, his rigidness in how he thought things should go, and somehow loved him through every difficult thing he faced.

He couldn't imagine how life would be if he'd been stupid enough to let her slip through his fingers.

**************

Back in the present...

"Don't look now," Chris whispered, "but I think someone or rather some people are checking you out."

Tobias followed her gaze towards a table filled with a bachelorette party.

He shrugged and returned his attention towards her.

She burst out laughing. "Wow. I'm impressed."

"With what?" He took a longer than usual sip of his glass of whiskey.

"That you're giving up what could be a very interesting evening to sit with me."

"Who says you don't make my evenings interesting?" Tobias quipped. "It just so happens, Dr. Valentine, that I prefer your company above all others."

Chris giggled as she downed the rest of her drink. "Why are you wasting those panty dropping lines on me?"

He snorted in the midst of laughing.

"Panty dropping, huh?"

"Trust me," she winked at him, "if a man said something like that to me when I was single, especially after seeing what he was turning down, my panties would already be on this floor."

Tobias laughed until tears came to his eyes.

This is why I love her, he thought.

And he did. Somewhere along all the times spent working as a team, or rather dynamic duo, and all the special moments in between made him fall in love with her.

It wasn't easy keeping these feelings buried.

She's worth it, he thought. Being around Chris is worth putting up with anything.

Even watching her kiss Ethan.

Which was what he now was forced to do.

Ethan came in, a frown disappearing the moment Chris pulled him into a sweet kiss.

"Hey Reggie!" She called out. "A scotch neat for this handsome man and another round for me and Tobias."

Ethan nodded his thanks, keeping one arm around Chris, before greeting Tobias.

"Looks like you've been through hell and back again." Tobias teased.

"And then right back into its deepest pit." Ethan took a few needed gulps of his drink. "I at first thought Naveen recommended me to be Chief because he was fond of me." He winced some at the thought. "Now, I think he might not like me as much as I originally thought."

Chris laughed, gently squeezing him in a side hug. "You know very well that he thinks of you as the son he never had."

"Perhaps." He smiled at her. "After tonight's meeting with the Board..." He closed his eyes and shuddered.

"Maybe you're the son he never had who needed a good spanking." Tobias joked.

Ethan snorted, shaking his head.

Chris high fived Tobias while laughing all the harder for such an image.

"Regardless," Ethan finished his drink, "I think I'm more than ready to go home."

He stood pulling Chris to her feet. "You coming or staying?"

"I'll come too." She searched for her wallet. "You look like you could use the company," she lifted her eyes to his, "and I've missed you."

Ethan tugged her closer to his side.

"I've got this." Tobias waved her credit card away.

"But I owe you for wounding your pride." She teased.

"I'll let you buy me lunch instead." He told her. "You kids go enjoy the rest of your night."

He watched as the couple left, arms wrapped around the other. A slight frown formed on his lips as he thought of how things could be if he'd been the one to meet Chris first.

Downing the rest of his drink, he paid and left before any other wayward thoughts could come to mind.

*************

Edenbrook, a few months later...

The snow storm was revving up to be worse than meteorologists thought. Logan had already canceled all flights in and out of Boston. People were rushing home as fast as they could before being trapped at work. There were many at Edenbrook who considered making their escape and others who were resigned to the fact they'd be spending the next couple of days living within its renovated halls.

"Did Ethan make it back?" Tobias asked as he and Chris went to grab a late dinner in the lounge.

"No." She grimaced while pulling her phone out of her pocket to check her messages. "He's still in Providence. It took a lot of arguing to convince him to stay there."

"He can be hardheaded."

"That he can." She slipped her phone back in her pocket. "But I'm not always a walk in the park either."

Tobias laughed at the notion. "You are undeniably stubborn."

"Hey!" She playfully shoved him. "I do try and practice the art of give and take."

"Try being the optimum word." He teased.

"I think that's the pot calling the kettle black." She shot back.

"Who? Me?!" He feigned being insulted. "I'll have you know, Dr. Valentine, that I'm the poster child for how to work easily with others."

Chris looked up at him, her eyes wide with mock reverence. "Oh Dr. Carrick, how I wish we could all be just like you!"

He laughed, holding the door to the lounge open for her. "What a wonderful world it would be if that were to happen."

"The world can barely handle one of you." She gently patted his cheek. "God help us all if there were a world full of Tobias's."

"You know you'd love it." He joked on his way to get them each a needed cup of coffee.

He noticed a tray of desserts and began to select some he knew Chris would love.

"I suppose there are worse things that could happen." She sent a smile his way before turning back towards the soup and sandwiches Leland Bloom's impeccable catering staff had left for those working all night.

She prepared a couple of plates and bowls for the two of them.

Each went through choosing what the other typically asked for without any questions. As if they were of the same mind, they carried their haul over towards one of the many reclining sofas.

"Thank you." Chris took the coffee and closed her eyes, allowing the heavenly aroma and warmth to engulf her before taking a tentative sip.

Tobias watched her. His lips curved as he observed her going through all the little quirks she did when it came to eating or drinking.

She made a hum of delight when she took a bite of the potato soup.

"I might have to start working nights if this is always on hand."

"And leave me on my own?" He said between bites of his sandwich.

"You'd still have Harper and Gary." Chris pointed out.

"Harper won't joke around and Gary is well, Gary." He reminded her.

Chris snorted on a laugh. It had come as quite a shock when they discovered that Jackie's former intern was an absolute savant when it came to symptoms and their causes. It didn't matter how rare or odd the medical issue turned out to be. Gary was able to pull a wealth of knowledge from his mind that could help them when stuck on a mystery.

Though brilliant in that aspect, he was still the same clueless Gary in every other part of life.

All of Tobias and Chris's jokes went right over his head, which incidentally made the pair laugh all the more.

"Fine." Chris caved. "I'll stay on the day shift for your sake, but I demand you find me this soup once a week."

"Deal."

The pair relaxed in companionable silence as they finished eating.

Once the last of the crumbs had been dusted off, Chris released a deep heartfelt sigh.

"You okay?" Tobias asked.

He'd noticed she'd been doing this for the last few days. There would be moments where her cheerful disposition would falter, leaving a pensive, somber mood in its place.

She chewed on her bottom lip before sharing what was bothering her.

"Do you think," she hesitated some over what she was about to reveal, "you might want to have children?"

Tobias was grateful he'd already swallowed the last of his coffee. He would have spit it out hearing her ask him of all people something like that.

"Excuse me?" He muttered in shock.

"Do you ever see yourself having children?" She reiterated. "I mean, if you found someone you wanted to have a family with?"

Tobias studied her a few moments

Does she know that she's the only one I could ever see myself having that type of life with?

Tobias softly smiled at the thought of having children that were a mixture of himself and Chris.

"I can see it." He admitted.

"I can't imagine having a life without a family of my own if I was lucky enough to be with the right person."

Chris's frown deepened over his words.

He didn't quite know what to make of her reaction.

"What made you think of that?" He prodded when she remained silent.

Her lips twisted into a bitter smile.

"Ethan." She sighed. "The reason he went to Providence was because of a fight we had over that very subject."

Tobias waited to see if she wanted to go into it.

"I know his past with his mother holds him back from so much in life." Her eyes narrowed in thought. "It kills me that the notion of marriage and a family is something he doesn't think he wants."

He slowly nodded. He knew all about Ethan's complicated past and feelings towards anything like commitment. He understood up to a point, but he couldn't imagine Ethan refusing to even try for Chris.

"You had a fight over it?" Tobias asked.

"A big one." She admitted. "He knows, has known, that I want all of that."

A memory from her first year at Edenbrook came to mind, one that made her realize she'd known Ethan didn't want children. He'd told her that very thing when they tried out the new MRI. To see which parts of his brain would light up, she'd asked him if he would one day like to have a family. He told her he didn't think it was a good idea for someone like him, with his job, to have any children.

She'd deluded herself into believing he was only saying that because he hadn't found the right person yet.

Is it my fault? I pursued him. I made myself think we wanted the same things.

She blinked back frustrated tears when she realized he also didn't refuse her. He could have firmly put his foot down and said they couldn't be together because they wanted fundamentally different lives.

"I've never hidden that part of me. I'm the one who wants it all. I already have my dream career. Why shouldn't I also have the dream home life I've always pictured for myself?"

"If anyone can have it all, it's you." Tobias told her.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, giving her a friendly squeeze. "There's no doubt in my mind that you can be the great doctor you are along with being an amazing wife and mother."

She smiled at him. "Thank you."

The two sat there, each lost in thoughts of their complicated futures.

After a while, their long hours caught up to them.

"Bedtime, Valentine." Tobias pulled Chris up when she yawned for the third time.

"Yes, boss." She looped her arm through his, teasing him that he'd probably have to drag her towards the oncall room.

Tobias glanced at her profile. This was one of those rare times where he had her to himself, no friends around nor Ethan to interrupt them.

He realized that he didn't want to keep his feelings to himself any longer.

After quick showers, the two settled in on the bottom of side by side bunk beds. They happened to be the only ones in this particular room.

Chris curled up on her side, facing Tobias's bed, and pulled the blankets up until they covered the bottom half of her face.

He could tell she was smiling sleepily at him as he settled on his side.

"'Night." She mumbled.

"Hey Chris?" He said softly before turning off the light.

"Hmm?" She peeked out from under her covers.

"I need to tell you something."

"Okay." She pushed the covers down past her chin. "What's up?"

"Before I tell you, I want you to know that I don't expect anything to come from this." He searched her eyes. "If anything, all I want to make sure of is that our friendship remains intact."

Chris's brow furrowed. "You know nothing can touch that."

He took a deep breath and slowly let it out all while praying that would remain true.

"I know this might feel like it's from out of the blue, but I've felt this way for a long time." He continued.

She felt the need to comfort him when she detected the worry in his tone. Chris reached across the space between their beds for his hand. She could tell whatever he was about to say was difficult.

He grasped her hand, swallowing nervously. He couldn't recall any other time in his life where he felt this uneasy.

Tobias held her steady gaze.

"What have you felt?" Chris prodded, worried he might be wanting to leave Edenbrook.

"I'm in love with you, Chris."

He felt her stiffen. Her hand jerked out of his grasp as if he'd burned her. All traces of sleepiness were gone from her face in an instant.

She sat up so fast to respond to him that she ended up striking her head on one of the metal slats above her.

Whimpering, she reached up to touch the spot that felt like it was on fire.

There was a warm wetness that couldn't be mistaken. Her breath hitched when she slowly lowered her hand to see it covered with her own blood.

"Chris!" Tobias scrambled out of bed to help her. "Let me see."

Her vision began to darken around the edges as a sense of falling into an endless pit flooded through her. Tobias's worried voice became nothing more than a distant echo.

She fainted dead away.

[disdaidal]

I can't remember the last time I've cried this hard, but I guess it was time.

So my new school is pretty much now pressuring me to find a place to train at, which is not stressful at all, because the workplace I went for an interview last week hasn't returned my calls or my email, despite the principal initially seemed genuinely interested in my application.

Thing is, I wouldn't be this stressed out at all but my new teacher made it pretty clear today that next week is gotta be the deadline for that contract - otherwise my studies really aren't going anywhere.

I also missed my doctor's appointment yesterday because I missed the train. I had to wait for that appointment for 3 fucking months, and because it's related to my financial situation (I'm really trying not to get more student debt, especially with the way how I've been and how I barely managed to keep my shit together during pandemic). Luckily I was able to talk on the phone with her and the social worker, but my new appointment was rescheduled at the end of the month. I also talked to my nurse on the phone a little after that; a nurse who I haven't seen in the last six months because all our appointments have been cancelled at the last minute. So I got a new one in September.

My sleeping schedule has been pretty much fucked up all July-August, and for the last two days that I've been going to the city and attending these classes, I've slept like 6 hours in total these two days. Both days I've come home feeling extremely drained (besides those 6 hrs in total, I napped all evening yesterday). And last night I slept something like 2 hours before school and when I finally got back by train a couple of hours ago, I tried to sleep on the train but I felt so nauseated that I thought I was gonna hurl. Needless to say, my car ride back home was all but fun.

When I finally got home and laid down in my bed for a while, I started crying. Like I know it's probably because I've literally slept like 2hrs last night and it wasn't even a deep sleep, so, think I've just had it. My body and brain couldn't take it anymore.

But when I was on the train, I was going to call the school's office (the one I went to that interview for), but naturally their calling hours had already ended at 2pm. I also thought about sending another email but like I said, I felt extremely tired and anxious; making more phone calls and sending more emails when I'm feeling this way really isn't the way I want to go again. Especially since I already tried both on Monday when they were supposed to inform me last Friday, and I haven't got any response since. Which is not very nice to be honest (my new teacher did comment it's kind of unprofessional of them, and I gotta agree a little bit there).

But seriously, the only thing that's even made my last two school days tolerable, were the other students in my class. I kind of took up smoking again (bad habit I know) because of all this stress and shit that's been going on with me lately, so at least it was an easy way to get to know some of our other students, and got to spend some time with them, so at least I didn't have deal with my worries all alone. Our Moroccoan student (whom I've talked a lot with; I got along with him already on our entrance examination on May) tried to encourage me today when we were smoking, and even said I could try and apply to the same place he works at - which is working with immigrants mostly. Since I did choose international studies as one of my optional subjects, that could also work, because sooner or late I'm gonna have to work/train at a place like that anyway.

But obviously my first and foremost goal right now is try to find a place near where I live because obviously traveling isn't cheap, and I might indeed have a couple of places around here in mind that I could ask for training opportunities.

In any case, if I don't get an answer by tomorrow (we'll have another long school day so I probably won't have any time to be making extra phone calls anywhere), I think I'm just gonna ditch this thing and start calling other places on Monday.

If this is how it's gonna be and I'm on a strict deadline here, I don't suppose there's any other choice. I'm not willing to give up just yet - though I admittedly thought of that for a moment, too. Since I've become somewhat depressed lately again, clearly, and that must have something to do with my bpd. Which is fucking *nice* because right now I'm supposed to be active and efficient so I can actually get shit done and get my studies properly started - and yet right now, I'm feeling all but that.

So I guess I'll go to another class tomorrow - we have a special day anyway as we're visiting a local museum at the end of the day, so. Maybe I can try to forgive myself for being the way I am and give this whole thing a rest until weekend. And if the teacher asks about it tomorrow as she might, I'm just gonna say I'm going try again on Monday.

Cause I really don't see any other choice right now. But again, I'm really not lying about this. I'm not feeling my best right now, and this kind of pressure and stress is not doing me any favors.

[autobot2001]

Day 16; A Stupid Decision

Angstober; wake up call Whumpober; alt 12; broken AI-lesstober; chronic pain OC-tober; doing autumnal chores Flufftober; Emergency, confession, adventure

The Whumpee and family planned a day to go outdoor autumnal chores. Whumpee chooses to do the roof prepping for the winter. Everyone else argues they should get a professional. Whumpee doesn't listen to the arguing as they climb the ladder. The rest of the family goes to do their tasks.

Everything is fine for an hour before a scream is heard. Everyone stops what they're doing and rushes outside. They realize the one who screamed is by Whumpee, who lies on the ground in pain. "I've already called an ambulance," the woman who screamed says. Everyone knows this is a serious emergency rather than just calling it a day with the chores.

Three hours pass and Whumpee lies in bed in a room in the hospital. Even while they can feel every limb and have an arm and leg in casts, Whumpee still worries they have serious injuries. Believing the IV pain medication keeps the pain away and possibly hides other injuries. They're tense when the doctor walks into the room. Aside from their broken arm and leg, the doctor tells Whumpee they have a few bulging disks in their lower back. Which likely will result in Whumpee having chronic pain. The doctor does inform Whumpee that surgery to repair the discs is possible, but they'd like to wait a few months and Whumpee doing physical therapy before talking about surgery. The doctor asks what happened, though they've been told by family. Whumpee now has to confess he was working on the roof. The doctor can tell Whumpee failed to take safety precautions, though they believe Whumpee should have called a professional.

After a week of pain medication for their injuries, Whumpee stopped taking their pain relief. Unfortunately, this only lasts a few days before they deal with pain daily. Along with the pain, Whumpee has been getting lectures on how this should be their wake-up call about doing stupid things.

Two months after their fall, Whumpee had their casts removed. They need physical therapy, which they think will help with the pain. The Whumpee is aware they might have a break from frequent pain with their exercises. Their official diagnosis of chronic pain will likely not happen until they're finished with physical therapy.

Whumpee believes they thought wrong as they deal with back pain. They only hope the pain doesn't become a problem that they cannot do anything. Whumpee was hoping not to hear the diagnosis of chronic pain, but it's been long enough for the pain to be considered chronic. Whumpee decides to figure out management before surgery.

Dealing with the pain has been manageable. It's the constant reminders from Whumpee's family that's been annoying. "Enough! I get it!" Whumpee lashes out. Whumpee walks away in pain.

Six months since their fall, Whumpee is only dealing with chronic pain, but they don't want to go through with the surgery. Fearing they could end up paralyzed. Accepting a life of chronic pain.

** I know this is a debatable ending. Who wouldn't want to be cured of chronic pain, but I think some would worry because it's the spine. **

[ppangjae]

ALEX!!!!!

It's been a while! I searched through my tag on your blog and found out that I last sent you an ask on 18 Jun last year :( It's been so long, I missed coming here and just being able to talk to you.

How've you been, Alex? I read through some of your replies to other anons and found out you've found a partner 🥺 That is really wonderful news! I hope you're both happy individually and together ❤️

I wouldn't bombard you with copious amounts of updates about my life in the past year, but I will say that renovations are finally underway after a lot of setbacks that almost did not make it happen! My family & I are currently in a condo while it's happening and we'll be returning to our newly renovated house in a few weeks!

And I also got to read your recent (as recent as it can get, I guess? LOL) fic for chef!Jaehyun and also found out that you're now planning for a doctor!Jae?!?! All the research it must have taken to come up with the backbone of your last fic, now you're diving into a hospital scene?! — the respect to your dedication and my interest in your masterlist have definitely rekindled big time after having been so busy! I even especially liked the details of the food when OC is preparing them, seeing as I've recently been watching a lot of Gordon Ramsay's videos on YouTube. And how it perfectly matches to Jaehyun in NCT DJJ film! My gosh, I wish I was able to squeal about that with you! It was what I remembered when I watched the video, but I was held up with a lot of things at the time; but I'm glad to see so many other anons gushing about it. It was so cool to see chef!Jae come to life in actual NCT content! I bet you were just as surprised when you saw it — but I'm really happy you got to feel the excitement of that! ❤️

Ahh, this is getting longer and I don't want to overwhelm you, but I really missed sending you messages, Alex 🥺 I hope you've been doing very well and taking care of yourself. I'll definitely give chef!Jae fic a reread and patiently wait for doctor!Jae!

Oh — and it's my birthday again! This was soooo my last ask from last year, too 🫣

Anyway, I hope your day has been/is going well! Missed being here. All the love, dearest Alex! — ♡ anon

oh my goodness, it's been quite a while! no worries, love, because i got swept up with how busy my life has been so i haven't been on tumblr quite frequently (honestly, i haven't been on tumblr for a while too sjkdhfd)

i have been doing well! i've just been busily living day by day LOL and yes! i do have a partner, we actually hit our six months last month hehe (speaking of, we're reaching seven months in a couple of days). i am happy! he makes me happy hehe and although we've only been together for six months (and counting), it feels like we've been together and known each other for years.

i'm so glad to hear that you and your family are going to be able to move into your newly renovated home soon! that's so exciting! i always love when people move into new homes or renovate because there's always something exciting and anticipating about it LOL i hope you've been doing well, love!

ahhhh i see that you've read chef!jae hehe yeah, it's been months since i've posted it (and then completely disappeared after kjshdfkjshdf) but yes, i'm currently brainstorming and planning to write a doctor!jae fic! i think after posting the chef!jae fic, i realized that i like to take my time writing fics because it allows me to brainstorm more and to fully immerse myself into writing. chef!jae was just so fun to write!

honestly though, i didn't even know about chef!jae in that DJJ video until nikki texted me about it. funny enough, i was work when it all happened kjsdhf so pretty much, i've been so busy that if nikki hadn't sent me a text about it, i probably wouldn't even know about chef!jae in the DJJ video sjkdhfsdf. but it did feel nice and super thrilling to see a glimpse of chef!jae in the video - and just live out five plus one jae with an actual visual sdjkhfsd

and don't be sorry for sending me long messages! i love hearing about how everyone has been doing nowadays, especially with how busy life could get LOL

AHHH HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i hope your birthday wishes come true!

[parkerslatte]

Life’s Too Short

Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: mentions of injury

Word Count: 2.1k

Summary: Spencer is shot in the neck and Y/N sits in the hospital with JJ and Alex talking about her future with him.

MASTERLIST

***

The white lights in the waiting room shone brightly as Y/N bounced her foot up and down anxiously. Even though there were many people around her, Y/N felt alone and isolated. Obviously being in the FBI had its fair share of injuries but this particular injury to a particular team member had left Y/N unable to comprehend it.

Her hands shook as the memory of the traumatic incident replayed in her mind over and over again. She could still feel the blood pouring out of Spencer's wound as she applied pressure to it. She remembered how he looked at her - dazed but afraid to die. She remembered how everything around her seemed to happen in slow motion.

"Don't die on me Spencer, you hear me? Don't die," Y/N pleaded with him, "Stay with me, okay? Stay with me Spence, please."

Her final words to Spencer before he was loaded into the ambulance were frantic and slurred together. Y/N stood there and watched as the ambulance drove away. She didn't go with him in the ambulance. Now sitting in the waiting room, she regretted that decision. She had been told that Spencer was trying to ask for her in the ambulance before he passed out. If he died, Y/N would hold the guilt of not going with him in the ambulance for the rest of her life.

Alex, who had been sat next to Y/N, placed a gentle hand on her knee causing her to jump.

"It's only me." Alex calmed her. Y/N only nodded before her foot resumed it's light tapping.

"He's going to make it, he's strong." Alex tried to comfort Y/N although Alex herself was filled with the same fear as Y/N - though not as strong.

"He needs to." Y/N's voice was barely audible but Alex heard her fine.

JJ took a seat across from Y/N and Alex, her face was filled with stress and worry - for Spencer but also for Y/N. The blonde had never seen Y/N look or act like this. Y/N would always try to give people words of encouragement whenever something bad happened. But now, seeing her sitting there looking pale and worrisome caused a wave of sympathy to wash over JJ.

Y/N zoned out as JJ and Alex fell into a conversation. She wanted to be alone, although she knew that neither of the two would allow that. All she wanted to do was wake up from this nightmare she was living and be safe and sound in the arms of Spencer - alive and well.

"Could you imagine Spence as a dad?" JJ said, bringing Y/N out of her mind space.

Y/N felt like she was frozen. Her and Spencer had discussed before the topic of kids but Y/N didn't think she was ready and the topic was dropped respectfully. But now, Y/N realised how short life was and how it can be cut even shorter in an instant.

"Y/N, are you okay?" JJ questioned, "You're crying."

Y/N looked at JJ through teary eyes. Shakily, she brought her hand up to her cheek to find it damp. She didn't even realise she was crying. Hastily she wiped away the tears and let out a long sigh. There was a long pause where no one spoke. JJ and Alex both looked at Y/N waiting to see if she would speak. They both wanted to comfort their friend.

"Spence and I were talking about kids," Y/N broke the silence with an unsteady voice, she sounded like she ould burst into tears at any second, "It was about six months back."

"What did you say?" JJ asked softly.

"I said I wasn't ready," Y/N admitted, "And I wasn't, not then. With our job and everything I didn't think that having a kid would be the best thing at the moment," Y/N explained.

"I see it all the time but today I realised how quickly a life can be taken away. I never thought I would nearly see Spencer lose his life - he's fighting for his life in there and I can't do anything about it," Y/N paused for a moment, "I now see how short a life is and how easy it can be taken away. I've been desensitised to it for a long time but once it was the man I loved in that situation - I can't act normal. I feel like I'm deteriorating and nothing can stop it until I know that Spencer is out if surgery and safe."

JJ quickly moved next yo Y/N as both she and Alex comforted her as he body began to shake with sobs. Y/N felt like everything was closing in on her. JJ shushed her as her hand was rubbing up and down Y/N's back. After a while Y/N began to calm down. Her face was red and puffy, she for sure did not look attractive in that moment.

***

Not too long after JJ left to go and work the case. Y/N was told not to continue on it and be there for Spencer - and also considering the state she was in, she wasn't fit to work anyway. She was now left with Alex and Penelope. Y/N was glad to have Penelope around since the blonde could always make a smile appear on her face. Penelope Garcia was like a guardian angel.

Speaking of angels, a doctor had come into the waiting room. Y/N immediately clocked her and shot up from her seat. Her legs were slightly wobbly due to her sitting in the same position for however long she was. But Y/N didn't care, she needed to know is Spencer was okay.

As she approached the doctor, a small smile grew on her face causing Y/N to fill with hope.

"The surgery went well and he's in recovery," It was in that moment where Y/N almost ascended to heaven. Spencer was alive. Her Spencer was alive and was okay.

"I can show you to his room if you would like." Y/N nodded, not trusting her voice to speak. She was elated. All the worry had dissolved from her body and was filled with happiness.

The doctor led her, Penelope and Alex to the room where Spencer was in recovery. Every step Y/N took, the closer she was getting to Spencer. The doctor stopped in front of the room and gestured for the three to go in.

Y/N rushed in first. Spencer was sleeping on his bed. His head was slightly tilted to the side, his lips parted and hair messy. She walked to the chair beside his bed and took a seat. He looked peaceful in his sleep, a completely contrast to the last time Y/N had saw him when he was loaded into the ambulance.

Y/N took her hand in his and laced their fingers together. She brought his hand up to her lips and placed a gentle kiss on it. Spencer was okay, all that was left was for him to wake up.

***

The next thing Y/N knee was being shook awake. She groaned and slowly opend her eyes. For a moment she forgot where she was but then remembered as soon as she saw the hospital bed. She looked up and saw Penelope, who had shaken her awake. She had a smile on her face.

"Look who's awake?" Penelope said, looking to the hospital bed.

Y/N looked over at the bed and Spencer's eyes were open and he was staring at Y/N lovingly. Even though he was still a little drowsy and spaced out, he still thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on.

"Spence." Y/N spoke quietly.

"I'll give you two some privacy." Penelope said before leaving the room.

"Hey." Spencer said, his voice was raspy and sounded like how it did in the morning - Y/N loved it.

"You're okay, thank god." Y/N sighed, placing another kiss to his hand.

"Are you okay?" Spencer asked, squeezing her hand slightly.

Y/N let out a small chuckle, "You literally just got shot in the neck and you ask if I'm okay."

"You're eyes are bloodshot, they're red around the outside, your cheeks are puffy and-"

"Okay, okay, you don’t need to profile that I've been crying, it's obvious - even to someone who isn't a profiler." Y/N said, standing up. She hovered over him and placed a soft kiss to his lips before sitting back down.

"What was that for?" Spencer questioned.

"Because you're alive," Y/N stated, "I thought you were going to die Spence. When you stated at me before you were taken into the ambulance, I thought that was the last time I would ever see you alive."

"Y/N, look at me," Spencer said and Y/N looked up from their joint hands to his face, "Do you feel me?" Y/N nodded, "Can you feel my pulse?" Y/N nodded again, "Am I alive?" Y/N nodded a final time, "Then there's nothing to worry about." Spencer gave Y/N's hand another squeeze.

Y/N smiled and rubbed her thumb over Spencer's knuckles. He was real. He was here. And most importantly, he was alive.

"I was doing some thinking." Y/N started.

"About what?" Spencer said, getting slightly worried.

"About us."

"What about us?" His worry increased slightly.

"I realised how short life is and how easy it is to be taken away and I thought why wait."

"Wait for what?" Spencer asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"I want a family," Y/N confessed, "I want to start a family with you Spencer."

Spencer's heart felt like it could jump out of his chest. Ever since he had met Y/N, he knew that she was the one. The one he would love. The one he would cherish. And the one he knew he would grow old with. There was no other person he would want to start a family with other than Y/N.

"I thought you weren't ready?" Spencer questioned. Even though right now he was internally jumping for joy, he didn’t want Y/N to feel pressured into doing anything.

"Well I am now. Life us short, why wait?" Y/N said.

Spencer smiled. His heart felt like it had expanded three times the size it usually was. He was going to start a family with Y/N. However there was one thing he wanted to do before.

"Can you do me a favour?" Spencer asked.

"Anything."

"Can you go in my trousers pocket and grab the box that's in there?"

Y/N nodded and began to rummage through his belongings bag. She reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out a small velvet box.

Y/N was frozen. Only one piece of jewellery came in a box like this. She was stunned. She knew she wanted to start a family with Spencer, there was no other person she would want to start a family with. However, he had no idea he would propose, especially not now.

"Is this what I think it is?" Y/N asked, her voice slightly unsteady.

"Open it." Spencer said smiling.

Y/N complied to Spencer's request and opened the small box. Inside was a simple diamond ring but it was the perfect ring for Y/N. Tears began to brim Y/N's eyes as she stared at it.

Spencer reached forward, signaling to Y/N to pass him the box. She placed the box in his hand and he took the ring out and held it to her.

"Y/N, I know that this isn't exactly the circumstance that either of us wanted this to happen, but I wanted to ask you - will you marry me?" Spencer said, "I originally had a big speech planned and I memorised it and everything but I don't think that the situation matches the speech anymore."

Y/N stared at the ring in front of her and the man holding the ring before she nodded, "Yes, yes I will marry you Spencer."

Spencer smiled as Y/N leant forward and pressed a kiss to his lips, this kiss more passionate than the one she had given him when he had woken up. This kiss was filled with pure love and adoration.

Y/N pulled away, smiling bright. Spencer's eyes were filled with pure love as he looked back at Y/N.

"I love you, you know that right?" Y/N mumbled.

"Of course I do," Spencer said, "And I'm one hundred percent sure that you know I love you back - so much."

"I'm not as big of a fan of statistics as you, but that is one statistic I know for definite," Y/N replied, "But promise me one thing."

"What?"

"When we get out of here, I want to hear the full speech you had planned."

Spencer chuckled, "It may take a while, it's five pages long."

Y/N smiled, "I would expect nothing less from you Spencer Reid."

SPENCER REID TAGLIST:

@spenxerslut @averyhotchner @drayshadow

- add yourself HERE or message me to be added or removed -

[impala1967dwinchester]

Sam Winchester: Running Away

Pairing: Sam W. x Reader

Pov: Reader/Sam

Warnings: Panic, anxiety, being scared, mature content, talk of sex, Sam, inner thoughts

Summary: With Y/n and Sam only being together for a short time, when Y/n learns she pregnant she freaks thinking every bad thought about the things that could go wrong.

Word Count: 2.1k

A/N: This is Dominant Sam I'm talking about here, but also a protective Sam. This is for band--pyschos 1.5 followers bingo writing challenge.

Square: First Child

Sam Winchester Master list

Main Master List

TagList: @sweetdetectivequeen @wonderfulworldofwinchester @band--psycho

So, maybe I've been with Sam for a few months, but it's not that big of a deal. We're just a once in a blue sorta thing. Sam and I yes live together alongside his brother Dean, but I don't mean that Sam and I share a bed you know.

Okay well, maybe we do share a room. We share a comfy large bed when a hunt goes bad, or Sam wants to release some tension. We go and let go of our bodies' tension. Together we let everything go, and we sort of become one.

Sam is a giant teddy bear, but when he's had enough put onto his shoulders he needs someone to ground him, that someone for right now just so happens to be me. Bad hunts turn into long, fast, and hard nights.

Nights when Sam drags on, his large hands wrapped my throat pinning me down to the fluffy bed. My nails leaving red marks down his muscled back. His hips snapping against my cervix, his lips leaving bruises on my skin.

The way he'd snap his hips into me as I rode into him. In moments like these Sam was my cowboy, and I was his baby girl. The loud grunts and moans that echoed off the motel, or bunker walls were the most amazing sound to my ears.

The sound of our skin slapping together, and the dominant nature of Sam, his almost animalistic way of fucking me. I wasn't a virgin when I met Sam and Dean, I wasn't a virgin when Sam first came to me with this idea of friends with benefits.

But even without being a virgin, taking Sam for the first time. That made me feel like I had died and came back to life. I know saying that seems probably very odd, but Sam there is something about him that makes him so fucking... fuckable.

The moment that I came down from my high and he laid on top of me, trying his hardest to not lay all his weight on me, I reveled in those moments. Was this what it was like to fall in love with someone?

Would Sam really want that? Would I be enough for Sam?

Months it went on like this, bad hunts or just wanting to let go. It went back and forth. The deal that we held, was for the both of us, and usually, we needed each other at the same time.

Bumping into each other, cute moments. Moments when I would try to put more effort into it. I learned real quick that Sam had a thing for lace and the color red. Something about the way it felt against his hands, or how it looks against my skin tone.

Nothing's more special than having your boy toy pull off your lace panties with his teeth while he makes direct contact. Again there was that dominating nature of Sam. Sometimes my mind would float to what it would be like with Dean, but I would be very much slapped out of that thinking when Sam would snap his hips into me and ask me 'who do you belong to?' or 'Who owns your body?'.

This of course in my world would only last for so long. Something always had to go wrong. So wrong that everything that I had worked for wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth it, if I would just be crashed in the end. I didn't think any wrong could come from fucking my best friend in a way.

Because that was Sam and I are.. were. We are friends, best friends, who know everything about each other, who know when the other is about to have a break or the other needs space. What happens when Sam finds out about this.

This is a normal fuck up that be taken care of. This is my fuck up, this fuck up is huge. He won't want to stay. No, see I've ruined this for the both of us.

What happens if Sam. What if? That's the big question stop overreacting. You've spent time with Dean, ask your question then act, not the other way around. You need to actually find out if your pregnant.

'pregnant' "FUCK" I said out loud rather loud, louder than I should have said it. "Y/n you okay?" I outside the bathroom door. Panicking I slipped the pregnancy test into my sweater pocket. "Yep, I'm super," I said and unlocked the door, slipped by Sam. Smiling before I casually walked away from him. Panicking on the inside.

"what am I going to do?" I asked myself under my breath. "A Winchester baby, a baby, my baby," I said hushed under my breathe. A tap to my shoulder pulled me from my very important inner monologue.

"Y/n, what's wrong with you?" Sam said wrapping his hand around my shoulder. Mouth left gaped open. "Y/n?" Sam repeated, just my name this time made everything worse. The echo of Sam's voice grunting and moaning my name as he comes down from his high.

"Sam," I said looking up at him. These were moments that I said he was a huge teddy bear. Worry crossed his handsome face. "Y/n what's wrong?" Again he forced his first question.

"Nothing Sam. Just let it go." I said tapping his hand on my shoulder. There was a look of upset confusion on Sam's face. "Y/n don't you dare pull away from me, especially after what we have together," Sam said as I walked away. I stopped and thought about it. 'Don't pull him into it, you just take care of it.' I just kept walking.

I made sure that the pregnancy test was really correct, by going to a doctor's office. "You're about six weeks along." The doctor said. More panic. More anxiety, more questions, more thoughts. That drive back to the bunker I was fighting the idea of leaving.

If I just left, what if I just didn't come back. 'No go back and try to hide it, say you're sick, hide in your room. You won't be able to hide it for long' Sam will question you, Sam will notice, he'll notice your body change, he'll notice everything Y/n.

When I got back Sam was waiting for me in the library. "Where were you Y/n?" he asked me as I passed by him "I was out," I said passing quickly. Trying to stay away from him, the closer I am to Sam the harder it is to not tell him the truth. The grip of his hands around my wrist is so powerful, so strong.

"Stop running away. I just need you Y/n I thought..." Sam paused looking down at my body and then to my wrist. "Sam let go of my wrist. You're hurting me." I said ripping my arm from his grasp. Stomping away and down the louder echoing bunker hallway.

'LEAVE' 'No stop he's right you made a promise, a deal.' "Stop" Fighting with myself was the worst of all of this. You can't run away from yourself. No knock at my door, but I wouldn't have known. I had taken a nap my thoughts clouding my mind. Waking up to a quiet bunker and a note stuck to the coffee machine. "Y/n whatever is going on.

That's what I'm here for. Please baby girl. I don't know what to do. Shoot me a message, or even text Dean. Just let me know you're okay." Signed Sam. Yet another wave of new thought, new emotions. I want to stay, but it wouldn't be good for either of us. Nobody benefits from this.

A normal hunts take Dean and Sam about a week tops so with the letter that Sam left behind I can only imagine that Sam is pushing Dean to hunt a lot faster. Get the hunt over and done with come home and figure out what is wrong with me.

I say I've got two days tops before the boys get back. To toggle with the idea of leaving. Two days doesn't seem like enough time, but I need to not trap them in a situation like this. Sam doesn't need to have another thing on his shoulders, Dean doesn't need the worry or the panic. Of a Winchester baby.

Taking a long walk around the bunker brought memories alive in my mind's eye. The great, the good, and the bad. Most of them included Sam. The night he asked me to start this friend with benefits or the wild night that he took me on the book-filled library table. He fucked me in the middle of the wide open.

Would it be bad to say that I fell in love with him from that moment? He made me feel like the only girl in the world. A few spots in the kitchen early morning breakfast being made, and in the garage washing whatever car Dean would let us wash.

'You need to go' Memories pinging in my head. Hitting all the corners of my head. This is the most stressful thing I've ever had to do. There's a baby inside of me now, every choice has to be for this little one. This choice was for Sam and for this little one.

My hand laid on my still flat stomach. I wish that I could feel Sam's hand on top of mine, or watch his face. But that wouldn't be a good idea and I know that.

"They're going to a Winchester in and out," I said walking past Sam and Dean's rooms. I think I'll just have to write a letter to Sam, a sort of backwards odd way of responding to his letter.

This letter will just be my goodbye. "Hey Sam, by the time you read this I'll be long gone. Let me explain. I'm pregnant, with of course your child. We never got the chance to talk about being parents, never got the chance to even have a normal relationship. Sam, I fell hard for you, so hard that I don't want to hurt you. I know you most likely aren't ready to be a dad, so yes I know I'm taking that choice away from you. I am making so many mistakes and I don't want to be a burden on your shoulders or even a burden on Deans. They'll find out about you, they'll be nosy like you, be hardheaded like you, defy me like you defied your father." I wrote out pausing to let my shaking hand take a break.

"Cowboy, I'm running away, because Sam that's the only thing I know how to do. Don't you dare think... Don't you dare ever for a second think that I don't love you, or that this baby won't grow up knowing who is, who knows maybe I'll come back... I love you, Sam, I love you cowboy."

I read over it once and then twice, Dean stood over my shoulder. His hand lying still against my blade. I swiped the pad of my thumb over my Y/n nicely small handwriting. "Sammy?" Dean questioned. "Hmm?" I hummed fearing my voice would give too much away. "What did she write?" He asked, "Y/n wrote that she's pregnant, and she is running away afraid to put the burden of my child on my shoulders and on yours." I said continuing to look at the page in front of me.

"Dean we.." "I've got you, Sammy. We'll find her bring her home and you wife her up." Dean said, grabbing my bag and racing back to the impala. "She's on foot, and most likely hasn't made it very far, I'll call Charlie, you call her," Dean said, whipping out my phone it tumbled in my hands landing on the footwell of the front seat.

Pulling it out it came with pictures, pictures of the three of us. Sitting on baby's hood, her in the middle of the two of us next to her. I could see it now, a baby Winchester, sitting on her lap and taking that picture all over again.

"Sam, Charlie says that she's gonna try her, see if we can sort of trick her into going with Charlie until we can get to her and bring her home," Dean said.

"Yeah let's hope she wants to come home," I said the mix of different emotions and feelings shoring through me, I felt the revive of the impala's engine. 'There's no running away from the Winchesters.'

Completed on: 05/04/2021

[beigehearts]

So I'm not sure if you're comfortable writing for these kinds of things so if you aren't then you can just ignore this.

You can write it with Hisoka, Chrollo, Illumi, one or all of them I don't mind (preferably Hisoka)

But I've got issues with eating, not a full out eating disorder (at least not that I know of, I haven't been to a doctor for it) but I find it intimidating to eat full meals, and I normally only eat a couple things daily. Maybe an apple here and an orange for later.

And because of that I've sworn off having kids until I can get it under control (its been 4 years and doesn't seem to get better, I just keep losing weight) last time I weighed myself I was 112 which is getting pretty close to underweight for my height and age.

So could you please do a trio (or individual) x fem reader where she's been bullied about her weight by her mom and peers and has a hard time eating, and because of that she doesn't want to get pregnant and risk having a baby born premature or extremely unhealthy, or die. But somehow she manages to get pregnant (maybe failed contraceptives) so Hisoka/Illumi/Chrollo tries helping her get better about eating. Setting timers and having thought out meals for the day that includes all the food groups needed.

I've always been told to eat more or that all I ever eat is junk food but I'm not fat, I'm not extremely skinny, I just wish there would've been somebody telling me that everything would be fine and help me through it. Nobody has yet though, everybodys first reaction to me saying I rarely eat is that I should eat more when I literally cannot force myself to do so.

I really do apologize for this being long, and if you don't write this I can always find somebody else.

No I completely understand! I’ve struggled with my eating in the past and I sympathize. I know that hearing “just eat” and what not doesn’t help and I know it’s hard- but all you can do is try your hardest to get better- the journey is just as important as the result I’m more than happy to do this request- I really appreciate it because I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a while. I tried to get this done asap because I feel like its important I really hope you like it!!

Alright let’s get started lads fem!reader CW: eating disorder, pregnancy

Illumi

It’s been days since you had your last meal. As his future wife and a future mother it has worried him sick. And at some points you wonder if he’s only concerned about the baby. You’ve been on birth control for months after having a long talk with Illumi that children would need to wait a bit until you have yourself under control. He’s been acting strangely, he’s been pacing which he has never done before, and snapping at his brothers, sister, and mother.

You sit on the balcony, a heavy rain pounding down, the awning above you barely protecting you. You look into the distance and rub your belly, as if trying to wish away the baby. It’s not that you don’t want children, you really do, and you also want to for Illumi’s sake. But it’s not time. You’re not ready. Your body is too frail and your hips cannot hold a child. The mere thought of something going wrong with your precious baby, is enough to make you sick. You’ve been brewing in bad thoughts for days since you found out- but this isn’t time to sulk...

Illumi opens the sliding door to the balcony, staring at you for a long while before sitting on the ground next to your chair. He grabs your hand on your belly and rubs it gently- with so much affection you feel like he’s a different person.

“Y/n.” He looks up at you with his big, dark eyes. “It’s scary.” He pauses, being unusually sensitive. “I can’t wait for the baby. But I need you right now.” He seems very out of his element, he’s not exactly the type to share his emotions. Though he can tell he needs to put himself aside for the well being of his future wife and future child. “We’re going to get through this together.” He nods to himself, and places his cheek on your hand, “You don’t have to do this alone. You have me now. I apologize that I have not been doing my best for you- but we’ll do it.”

He stands up, bringing you with him, pressing you against his chest. He holds your head against him, then pats your head gently. “We’ll set a schedule. We’ll eat together at every meal. I promise to be here now.” He begins playing with your hair and wraps an arm around your waist, “It’ll be just like training.”

You tilt your head up to him and frown at the training part.

He stutters and says, “No, it’ll be a process.” A sign of small smile makes it’s way onto his face, “Our baby will be just fine.”  

Illumi has never shown you such a sensitive side of him and you begin to wonder if he’s gone through this too. Either way, his comforting head pats and warm chest are enough for you in this moment.

Hisoka

Sometimes your boyfriend could be just so oblivious. He always cares and pays attention to you but sometimes things go over his head. He equates your morning sickness which is just dry heaving with being dehydrated. Though maybe telling him would just make it easier. You’ve been telling Hisoka that you want to get better. You’re tired of this burden on you constantly. Tired of food looking like poison. He’s done his best to help you. Though he’s somewhat lost in how to do so.

He loves you dearly and honestly how much he loves you sometimes scares you. You try not to think about what lengths he’s gone for you.

Hisoka is laying in bed, shuffling cards and twirling them on his finger.  He’s quite good with his hands. Quiet music plays from the radio- some new hip hop hit. He averts his eyes from his cards, to look at you. It’s been a month and it’s about time he knows why your belly has a small bulge- it not being from you eating better or more.

You spit it out- wasting no time and getting to the point. “I’m pregnant.” You close your eyes, as if scared he’s gonna lash out or break something. But none of that happens, it’s silence.

You peek one eye open to see him doe eyed, caught in head lights. The cards fall out of his hands. He clears his throat and fixes his face, “Come here baby.” You obey him and sit down next to him on the bed, he pulls you onto his lap and holds your face in his hands.

“I wish you told me sooner. I could have prepared.”

Eyes begin swelling in your eyes and he once again looks stunned. You burst into tears and hold onto his shirt, nuzzling your head into his neck. Through broken sobs you manage to say, “I’m no good as a mother. I can’t take care of it! I’m no good Hisoka- what if I kill it? I’m no good.” Sobs rack your body, leaving your trembling against his own body.

Hands grab your shoulders and he pushes you up, then wipes the tears from your face. “You’re perfect to hold a baby. What is it you’re worried about?”

You begin to hyperventilate after you have no more tears to cry. Through each breath you gasp out, “I’m... too... small... what if... I have a...” At the mere thought of your next words your heart begins pounding, “Miscarriage?” You let out one last sob of a word, “I can’t feed me and my baby...”

He shushes you and pushes some hair behind your ear, “Oh honey. You’ve been working so hard on getting better. You’re sick and that’s okay. We just have to work harder? Right?”

Nodding but you still can’t control your breathing, he says, “Come on take a deep breath.” Listening to his directions you do. “It’s gonna be alright. You’ll be a great mother. You work so hard. We just have to keep pushing.”

You nod, and collapse against his chest and whisper, “Is the baby going to be okay?”

“Yes, and so will you.”

Chrollo

Once the both of you found out you were pregnant, it was pure confusion. You were taking contraceptives and Chrollo knows how much you don’t want a baby right now. It was a long conversation you had when you got contraceptives. Despite wanting a child, he wanted nothing more than you to be happy and healthy. It’s been months, four months to be precise. You lost 3 pounds in that time no matter what you did. You just couldn’t make yourself eat and when you did you felt terrible, guilty.

It was mealtime, all though you haven’t eaten at mealtime in weeks, Chrollo keeps trying. He made a light salad, with tomatoes and olives, that’s all. He knows how the sight of big meals only discourages you.

He steps around the table with a small plate in his hand, and sets it in front of you. A small plate with a few bites of salad. It should be easy. But it’s not. He kisses your forehead and sits on the other side of the table. A candle is lit and a single rose is in a vase. He tries to make every meal seem like a feast but lacking the food. He has a normal size bowl full of salad and he smiles at you from across the table.

“Time to eat.” He takes a bite of his salad- not pressuring you in any way to eat. The plate itself is enough pressure. You pick up the fork like you’ve practiced so many times and stare at the green leaves beneath you. The fork picks up a single leaf and you bring it to your mouth, opening and hesitantly placing it inside. Chewing is almost the worst part- but the worst part is swallowing. You swallow the leaf and look up at Chrollo. You can tell he’s trying to mask his excitement as not to overwhelm you.

The most you manage is another six single leaves, and a single, half cut cherry tomato.

You look up to him once again, shame taking over you, “That’s all I can do...”

His eyes go wide and you wonder if he’s upset that you didn’t keep going. Instead he leaps out of his chair and around the table. He picks you up into his arms and spins you around while laughing. He gently places you back down on the floor and can’t contain his smile.

“Oh darling you’re doing so great. I’m so proud of you.” Tears being to prick at your eyes when hearing his words, “You’re so good, let’s try again tomorrow okay?”

He squeezes you tightly and shakes you side to side, “You’re just so wonderful. I’m so proud.” No one has ever said they’re proud of you besides him. It’s such a blissful sound to your ears.

[eretzyisrael]

Lama Al-Manar, 36, doesn't remember what she put into the small bag she was carrying when she stepped into a Red Crescent ambulance, other than medical documents. She doesn't remember the last words her husband, who was riding with her, said to her before they separated at the Erez crossing. She doesn't know whether he followed them with his gaze when she walked toward the crossing and passed from the Gaza Strip to Israel, where a Magen David Adom ambulance was waiting for her.

From the moment she left Shifa Hospital that afternoon, until she arrived at Sheba Medical Center at Tel Hashomer some five hours later, Lima's eyes never left the incubator that was holding her son, Abdullah, 2.5 months old, whose tiny body was receiving oxygen.

She also wouldn't have remembered what day it was if they hadn't explained how lucky she had been. It was Monday, May 10, 2021, the day on which Operation Guardian of the Walls against Hamas infrastructure in Gaza began. The ambulance that brought her and her son to Israel was the last allowed through Erez crossing before it was closed for 13 days.

Three children are waiting for her at home. Two years ago, she gave birth to a stillborn child, and when she became pregnant for the fifth time, she was eager for the new baby to bring joy back to the home. But Abdullah was born two months prematurely with a complicated heart defect and Lamaand her husband realized they would need to fight for his life.

"I was afraid. His condition wasn't good," Lama says. "He lost weight, and his breathing and other parameters slowed. I prayed to God to heal him. To fight for his little life. A doctor at Shifa Hospital recommended that we send him to Israel for treatment. My husband reached out to the Shevet Achim organization to help us get him there."

Thursday afternoon, the 11th day of the Gaza campaign. The radio reports a rocket alert in Ashkelon, and then a direct hit on a residential building. We arrive at the parking structure attached to the labor ward at Sheba Medical Center, which is next to the Edmond and Lily Safra Children's Hospital. The children's ICU was transferred here on the fifth day of the fighting for fear of rocket hits.

We go down one floor. After walking through the gray halls lined with oxygen tanks at the ready, we encounter a colorful sign decorated with a drawing of a sun and a kite: "Protected Children's ICU." Reality stays outside. In the parking structure, which was filled with cars the previous week, there are 40 small beds. Each one takes up two parking places, and holds a small baby who is hooked up to medical equipment. Nearby is a treatment station, a computer, and a lounge chair for adults.

The beds are separated by flowered curtains that were hung on the metal pipes that line the parking garage's ceiling. No one closes the curtains. There are also hanging screens that are attached to monitors that fill the space with dim beeping.

In the center of the improvised unit are a dialysis cart and another cart that holds equipment for chest drainage. Sometimes, a baby's cry can be heard. It is weak, and starts and stops quickly.

Over bed No. 26 a sign reads: "Abdullah Al-Manar. Date of birth: Feb. 26, 2021. Weight: 1.6 kg (3.52 pounds)." Lamasits on the chair and watches Shani, the nurse, take off Abdullah's cloth diaper, exposing a large incision that runs from his chest to his belly. Shani changes the dressing, rubs cream on it, puts his medicine into the IV bag attached to his small arm, and covers him gently.

In the next bed lies three-month-old Rana, who is recovering from her third open heart surgery, which she underwent two days earlier. On the left is Yazen, a month old, who had a catheterization.

Dr. Evyatar Hubara, 43, a senior doctor on the unit, moves from bed to bed. He slept three hours the night before due to the number of cases.

"The three children from Gaza suffer from complicated heart defects," Hubara explains. "They came to us in serious condition, among other reasons because it took time from when the problem was diagnosed in Gaza until their transfer to us could be coordinated, all the permits received, and that's without changing ambulances at Erez and the bumpy journey. Right now, all three are in an acute stage. We still haven't gotten to the rehabilitation state, which will begin here and continue in Gaza," he says.

Hubara stops by Abdullah's bed and looks at him warmly. "Abdullah was born prematurely and was incorrectly diagnosed in Gaza. The doctors … performed the wrong operation on him when he was two months old. A week after the operation, he began to decline, and a week after that he reached us. In the first few hours we needed to stabilize him and keep his blood pressure steady with medication.

"We started to look into the problem. We did an MRI and other tests. Before every stage, we explained to his mother what we were going to do. She trusted us from the beginning. After we stabilized him, we found that the true defect he was suffering from was an aortic valve stenosis. It turned out that in Gaza they had tried to close the ductus, but closed one of the main arteries by mistake.

"In the insane Israeli reality, we had to protect ourselves against rockets from Gaza along with the babies who come from here," he says.

"I remember one siren that caught me on the unit, before we moved to the parking structure. All the mothers, Jewish and Arab, just grabbed their babies – the ones that weren't hooked up to machines – and ran to a safe space. I shouted, 'We have time, 90 seconds, go slowly so you won't fall with the kids.' Everyone gathered around in the safe space. Staff members and patients, Jews and Arabs together. The shocking sight of the mothers who ran there with their babies doesn't leave me," Hubara recalls. Not all the mothers were able to take their babies to a safe space. Abdullah, Rana, and Yazen, as well as another 12 Israeli babies, are on respiratory equipment, and they were unprotected during the first rocket alerts. This is why the hospital administration decided to move the entire department from the sixth floor to the underground parking garage. Here, the sirens can't even be heard.

We go with Lama, Raida, and Samira into the staff room, located at the exit. The room has a big refrigerator full of popsicles donated to the children and the staff who care for them. Every few minutes, a parent or a staff member comes in and takes one.

About a year ago, when the COVID pandemic was still raging in Israel, a COVID unit opened in this same parking structure to ease the mass of patients that was overwhelming the hospitals. That event seems like ancient history, and the only thing that remains of it are the letters of thanks stuck to the door. It seems as if this is the last place in the country where people are careful to wear masks, and wear them properly.

The three Gaza women are embarrassed. They aren't used to being interviewed. All three are wearing abayas, long dresses that include head coverings, as well as hijabs and surgical masks. Since they arrived in Israel, they have been sleeping here, on the unit, in the recliner chairs next to their children's beds. They are also given meals. Once every few days, they allow themselves to go upstairs and shower. None of them speaks any language other than Arabic, with the exception of a few words of Hebrew or English. Moshe Ravid, 26, a nursing student from Jaffa and a volunteer with the Shevet Achim organization, translates.

Raida (Umm Ahmad), 48, is from Khan Younis. She is Rana's grandmother, a housewife and mother of six.

"My daughter-in-law, Rana's mother, came to Israel with her in February, two weeks after she was born," she says. "After two weeks, she was tired and not feeling well. Because she has a four-year-old at home, she called me and asked me to switch with her. She went back to Gaza, and since then, I've been here. Three months already. This is my first time in Israel."

Q: Were you afraid?

"No, why should I be afraid? My husband worked in Bat Yam for 20 years. Every day, he went from Gaza to Bat Yam, until the disengagement in 2005. After that, he found work in Gaza. He told me that there are good people in Israel, that everyone here is all right."

Abdullah's mother Lama, 36, is wearing a brown abaya accessorized with a shining silver star. Her smartphone has a pink cover. She works in a laboratory, and her husband is a producer for Palestinian television in Gaza. She has two other sons, 11 and six, at home, as well as a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

"My mother had cancer. She went to Israel to be treated, and recovered," Lama says. "She told me that everything is good here. When Abdullah's condition got worse, the doctor recommended that we come to Israel. My husband reached out to Shevet Achim. Now he and my mother are watching the three other kids at home."

Q: What do you tell your families about what is happening here?

Lama: "They're afraid for us, and we're afraid for them. When they call to hear how we are, I answer, 'Al Hamdullah,' so they won't be scared and worry, and when I call to ask how they are, they say the same thing. We talk about the boy, how he ate, how much he ate, how much he slept. "I tell them that the doctors here are good, that they treat us well, answer all our questions. I tell them that the food is excellent, that the women have nice clothes, about their hairstyles. I like the fashion in Israel, and the grilled chicken breast and salad they serve at the hospital."

Raida: "The medical staff thinks only about the children – whether their condition has improved, what they ate, how they slept. We sit next to their beds, don't know how they'll be from one moment to the next, whether they'll get better at all."

Q: Do they send you pictures of the strikes on Gaza?

"They send me pictures of the special Ramadan sweets," Raida answers, with a smile.

Samira, 62, is the grandmother of Yazen, who is only a month old. "I have nine grown children, and my son has four children other than Yazen. Their mother needs to take care of them, so they asked me to accompany the child. At home, when we talk about Israel, we only talk about the medical treatment we want to get here."

Moshe, the translator, tells them in Arabic not to be frightened, that they can speak freely. They all answer at once: "We aren't afraid, we're speaking honestly. Everyone wants peace. We want it to be all right."

Samira: "Inshallah, things will calm down. We aren't dealing with politics."

Q: What did you do when people in Gaza fired rockets toward this area?

Raida: "What everyone else did. The nurses took us to a safe place. The babies stayed on the unit, hooked up to respirators. I was worried about them, that they were alone, but everyone calmed us down, said that it would all be fine."

Lama: "We tried to talk to the other people in the safe area, without understanding one another. Everyone wants to know how the other's child is doing. He's sorry about my son, and I'm sorry about his."

Q: Did your families leave their homes because of the airstrikes?

Raida: "No. Everyone is in his own home."

Q: Are any of your family members involved in the fighting?

All three shake their heads, no. "Not everyone in Gaza enlists in the army," Raida says. "My husband worked in Israel. Half of Gaza used to work in Israel. You must have seen the workers who would come from Gaza."

Samira: "My father and my husband used to work in Israel."

Q: When are you going home?

Raida's eyes fill with tears. "Rana's chest is still open from the last surgery. I'm sitting with you and laughing, but my heart is crying. So I'm telling you that my every thought is for the baby. That's our situation."

Lama: "Today, Dr. Evytar said that Abdullah has an infection in his right lung, which was good. Until now he had one in his left lung. I hope it works out. I'll go back to Gaza when he gets better, but I don't know when."

Hospital Director Dr. Itai Pessach says that every year, the center treats about 500 children from Gaza and another 2,700 children from the Palestinian Authority. "They range in age from a week to 18. Some of the children arrive through the Shevet Achim organization, and others through our own coordinator."

"During the last military operation, our doctor colleagues in Gaza reached out to us about children in serious condition, and we fought to bring them to Israel during the operation. Unfortunately, we didn't succeed, and that's very sad. I'm happy we're getting back to normal," Pessach says.

According to Pessach, "we don't see any difference between a child who comes from Gaza, Nablus, or Tiberias. Our treatment looks at all the child's needs, including emotional needs and school work at the school that operates on the hospital grounds. A year ago, a nine-year-old boy with cancer arrived from Gaza who didn't know how to read and write. He returned to Gaza last month, after a year-long hospitalization, healthy and knowing how to read and write in Hebrew, Arabic, and even English."

Q: How did the patients respond to this during the Gaza fighting?

"A family from Gaza arrived two days before the operation started, and we diagnosed their son with a rare disease, one that only seven children in Israel have. By chance, two rooms away there was a Haredi family with a child who had been diagnosed with the same disease two months ago. While the rockets were falling, the Haredi mother insisted on meeting the mother from Gaza and teaching her everything she knew about the disease and how to treat it."

"There is a truly shared fate here. They feel that they're fighting against something bigger than rockets. To get better, a patient needs to feel secure, and that's what we're doing. A hospital is a home for all the patients.

"I'm happy to say that the external tensions didn't creep into the work. There was no tension between the staff and the patients. The good of the patient always comes before everything else. Even at administration meetings – everyone put aside their own political views and we managed to provide a quality medical response and protect the safety of the staff and patients," Pessach says.

The funding for the Gaza children's treatment comes mainly from donors – mostly American Christians, and some Israelis.

"Saving the life of the child is an entire world," says Jonathan Miles, founder of Shevet Achim. Miles arrive in Israel from the US in the 1990s, as a journalist, and started to volunteer with the group Christian Friends of Israel.

"We welcomed Russian immigrants to Israel. We wanted them to understand that the Jewish people have friends in the world. One day a mother from Ukraine whose child's life was in danger came to me. She had no money for medical treatment, and she begged me to help. I started raising money to help him. Wizo helped a lot, as did other people, both Jews and Christians.

"After that, I heard about sick babies in Gaza, and in 1994 I founded the organization. We bring children from Muslim states to Israel for treatment."

Amar Shami, 32, who coordinates the transfer of children from Gaza to Israel for Shevet Achim, lives in Jerusalem.

"The families who go back to Gaza tell each other about the treatment in Israel," he says. "One mother tells another. When the child has a problem, they reach out to me. Sometimes the doctors reach out directly." Q: What goes through your mind while you're busy providing treatment and rockets are flying outside?

"Inside the hospital, we detach. We only want to help them. When you go out you realize that reality is different. We hope that when the families from Gaza go home, they will sort of be our emissaries, say good things about Israel."

The night that the ceasefire between Israel and Hamas took effect, Rana's heart stopped beating, despite the doctors' best efforts. Her grandmother, Raida, left the hospital weeping. She was driven to a Shevet Achim apartment in Jaffa. When Erez crossing opened, she returned to Gaza with Rana's coffin.

[9tzuyu]

the art of delicate hands – pt. i

[ wandanat. ]

College AU.

Multiple part series ;

↳ snippets of their relationship and how I perceive them.

sumary:

wanda doesn't like to talk very much, only to her brother (and sometimes her lovely redheaded girlfriend).

notes:

if anyone international is reading this, ASL is shortened for american sign language (language of the hands).

+

this is a revised and edited version from when i wrote it on ao3 in 2018.

The only person that knew was Pietro. It was her little secret, and she could only hope that no one now would find out. She knew she shouldn't be ashamed, it was nothing to be ashamed over. Unsurprisingly however, it became her biggest insecurity – years of relentless bullying ensued that.

Wanda was always anxious. When she was seven she began experiencing panic attacks. The metallic taste of blood in her mouth became familiar over time as her panic attacks worsened.

All because she was mute and didn't feel comfortable to speak to anyone, including her parents. The only person Wanda felt comfortable enough to talk to was her brother (you could say that's because they're twins).

A doctor in Sokovia mentioned to Wanda's parents that therapy may help, that it may get her to speak more than four words a week. So her parents moved her when she was 16 and hoped for the best.

Within a year and a half Wanda was able to develop a clear understanding of American Sign Language. Eight months into the move and Wanda's parents had given up on Wanda ever talking, something that she took personal. They didn't catch on to English as quick as the twins did, their native language stuck closer than expected. Pietro didn't mind learning English quickly as he wanted to fit in school, and he also didn't mind studying ASL to communicate with Wanda on a deeper level.

American high school wasn't much better than her hometown. People talked, whispered and gossiped about her in class, muttered hurtful things about her appearance and the way she carried herself; a shy, quiet, timid girl. The worst part of it was when they mocked her for using a language that was supposed to feel safe for her. Pietro always came to her rescue, shooing people away, reminding them that she's his sister. The silver haired boy had no problem fitting in, it was only when they were apart did people tease the younger brunette.

When their parents died, Wanda took the brunt of the emotional attack it had on the twins. She'd been sitting in the backseat of the car, earbuds in, with her music volume at maximum capacity. Her father had tried to tell her to turn down the music while her mother rest in the passenger seat, window down with her eyes closed. When Wanda didn't hear her father, he reached over, eyes off the road, and tapped her. The second she registered his touch a semi-truck hit her father's door. In a matter of minutes Wanda and Pietro both were left alone to fend for themselves.

Putting the blame on herself only caused her to shut down further. It took over a year for Wanda to speak to Pietro again.

But as per usual, the twins stuck together and finished high school. The only difference was that they lived in foster care, they belonged to the state, up for grabs if anyone wanted them. That came to an end six months into their stay. The foster family proposed the idea of adoption, they had no problem in taking care of the twins for the rest of the time being – or, if they wanted, every day after as well.

At twenty, Wanda and Pietro eventually both went to college and shared a house with a bundle of other people on campus. The younger sibling even found herself a girlfriend within the group, her name being Natasha Romanoff.

Natasha didn't mind at all how little Wanda talked. She was curious, of course, but even before their relationship Nat never pushed her girlfriend into anything uncomfortable. Natasha could tell Wanda always made effort though, that's what drove the brunette into allowing herself a relationship.

When the redhead would sleep, Wanda would continuously practice signing. She'd sign songs and poems, movie scripts and books, everything she possibly could to improve herself. It was a very personal, in touch form of language for her.

Wanda had been with her girlfriend a little over a year and Natasha still didn't know all the unpleasant factors that came about her life. Wanda only told her just enough to get by, and she felt immensely guilty for that. Truth was she desperately wanted to tell Natasha, she just didn't know how. She'd thought about just signing something to her and hoping she would catch on, but figured that would be too much. Anxiety spiked in her chest and in her bones, and she was tired of feeling like a liar.

With a sigh, Wanda plopped down on her bed and pulled her phone out from her back pocket. Unlocking it, she went to her text messages and scrolled to Pietro's contact. When she was sure no one else was in the house, she tapped the call button and listened to the phone ring until Pietro answered.

"You know I'm in the other room, right? You literally could've called my name." He greeted, accent heavy through the speaker.

Wanda giggled as she ran her fingers through her hair. You're safe. Speak, it's okay. She reminded herself.

"Yeah, but are you free?"

"Always."

"Can you come here? I need to ask you about something." Pietro gave out a loud, playful sigh but walked to her room, disconnecting the call on his way in. "What is it, my dear sister? What could possibly be troubling you here on this day? Is it that scruffy redhead?" He smirked arrogantly but sat down in the desk chair across from Wanda, not failing to notice how she rolled her eyes.

"She doesn't have scruffy hair and you know it. It's soft, gentle – and much less damaged than your shit show of an excuse for bleached hair."

"Whatever you say, little chaos."

Wanda groaned, "Why must you still call me that?"

"It suits you well."

There was a shared moment of silence between the two before Pietro spoke up. "What was it you wanted to ask me about?" A small frown was plastered on Wanda's face and Pietro found himself wanting to know even more now. Wanda waited another minute before finally answering. "Should I tell her? You know, about..."

A huge smile took over her brother's face. He was ecstatic that she wanted this for her girlfriend. "Of course you should! I really think she'd be interested to know more about you – y'know, since you don't ever tell her anything."

"I tell her things!" Pietro shook his head, "Does she even know your birthday?" Wanda nodded and turned herself away from him. "I just don't know how to do it. I mean it'd be kind of heavy just taking her out to dinner only to tell her my deepest, darkest secret afterwards. I'm scared she'll hate me, Pietro! And I've never even spoke. More than like, 12 sentences all at once with her!" He softened knowing how much trouble one past  had caused his little sister. "Write her a note?" He suggested, but she shook her head. "I want to tell her, not write her."

Right before he was about to speak again there was a knock at the door. The pair looked up to find Natasha standing in the doorway smiling down at the two. "Am I interrupting?"

Wanda froze while Pietro arrogantly raised his eyebrow and announced his answer. "No. We were just finished talking."

Confusion was written on Nat's face and she stood there until Wanda shook her head and muttered a small "No," giving her the signal that she could come in.

"I'll be in the other room if you need me." Pietro got up, despite Wanda's silent plea for him to stay. He gave her a thumbs up and left the room.

Natasha closed the door and laid next to Wanda, wrapping her arms around the younger woman. "You okay?" Wanda nodded in reply and Natasha knew not to push. For now she'd just keep an eye on her, reassuring her that she could talk to her if need be.

Over the next few days Wanda seemed to be doing better. She was supposed to go to a party with Nat, but opted out to study for classes instead.

"Be safe," she whispered and planted a small kiss on Natasha's lips.

Everyone else went to the same party, leaving the house to just Wanda. She sent out a group message telling everyone to text her or ring her (at the very most importance) if they needed a ride. Wanda didn't drink much anyways so she didn't mind being the designated driver of the bunch. And besides, she didn't mind having some time alone, it gave her the absence of the boys so she could study.

However, after over an hour or so of studying Wanda was beginning to feel stressed. Her nerves were building and she could feel her jaw clench.

She needed a break.

With a small sigh, she got up and connected her phone to her speaker. After scrolling and clicking on her song of choice, Wanda found herself signing the words to a Modest Mouse song.

Green eyes closed as her hands began to string along with the words of the song. It was rather fast paced, but Wanda was able to keep up fairly well thanks to years of practice. Lyrics flowed through her fingertips and in the palms of her hands, her stress levels immediately decreasing as she went on.

Unbeknownst to her, however, Natasha was standing in the doorway watching her every move. She was absolutely mesmerized by Wanda's hand motions. Her finger spelling was very fast, and Natasha was curious to know how long Wanda had known ASL.

When the song was over, Wanda stopped her music and moved herself so she could study again. She grabbed her pens, pencils and highlighters, along with her textbook while her back faced Natasha.

"I didn't know you could sign." Natasha commented. A mix of shock and uneasiness quickly took over the calm look on Wanda's face.

It wasn't until then when Tasha put two and two together. She quickly rushed over to her girlfriend, and carefully engulfed her into a hug.

"Hey, no, I think it's really cool. You don't have to worry now, your secret's safe with me." Wanda began to shake in her grasp, tears forming in her eyes. She backed out of the embrace and against the wall, pulling her knees to her chest.

"No, you're supposed to hate me, laugh at me. You're supposed to be anything but be cool with it." Natasha tilted her head, "Is that what they did to you?"

Wanda peaked out from underneath her arms, the confirmative nod sent Natasha's heart well beyond sinking. She’d never understand how people could willingly be so cruel.

"I'm here to listen, not judge." Her words softly echoed in Wanda's mind, and she watched Natasha carefully to see if she was lying. When she didn't make any remarks or snide comments, Wanda knew it was safe. Accent heavy, she began letting words slip from her mouth.

"I have really bad anxiety when it comes to talking, so I just don’t. Asl makes it easier to communicate, but growing up I was often teased for it. You’re really good at reading me without it, so I hid it from you. Guess their words still haunt me...” Wanda finished, giving Natasha a little more insight on her life.

Natasha moved closer to her girlfriend, bringing Wanda’s shaking body into her embrace. She then kissed the top of her forehead.

Wanda looked up to see Natasha thinking, her eyebrows scrunched together and she was chewing on her lip. She nudged her.

“I think it’s quite beautiful if you ask me.” Wanda cracked a smile and rest her head on Tasha’s shoulder. “Beauty comes from pain, I guess.”

But Natasha shook her head, “No, No, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Wanda nodded. She understood what Natasha was saying, she just didn’t believe it to be true when it came to herself. Nonetheless, she spoke the words, repeating the mantra so that maybe she could start to feel a belief in them.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

[sincerelyasomebody]

Pinky Promise || Oscar "Spooky" Diaz

(GIF Credit: @merakiaes)

A/N: I've had this idea in my head for a while. It will be a two-part imagine/story. Apologises for any grammatical errors found. Once again, don't hesitate to correct me on the Spanish translations. 

Pairing(s): Spooky x Reader 

Summary: Life can change in an instant.

Warnings: allusions to absent parents; death; options within pregnancy, angsty, fluff, language, unplanned pregnancy

Word Count: 1282

- ♤ - ♡ - ◇ - ♧ -

Becoming the accountant for a few businesses in Brentwood allowed (Y/N) to live above her means. A complete change from the two years out of (college/university) where she barely scraped by, even moving back in with her parents when she was unable to keep up with the rent at her apartment. Thankfully, she was able to bring herself out of that predicament. Those two years were stepping stones into the success she's experiencing now. 

She eventually branched out and took on being the accountant for Joe's Diner in Freeridge. Despite hearing negative things about the area, she couldn't help but admire the community. Their friendly faces, charismatic personalities and willingness to help one another without expecting anything in return reminded her of the small town her grandparents lived in.

When (Y/N) got the opportunity, she'd go back for a visit. Only with her family though. Going back by herself would be a bit too painful. 

Not only did she admire the community she fell in love with it… and with somebody. 

Oscar 'Spooky' Diaz. 

The pair met while (Y/N) was double checking the hours each employee wrote down on their timesheet. He sat in her booth and started up a conversation. Love at first sight wasn't something (Y/N) believed in, but she couldn't deny that they had instant chemistry. All it took was a date for the pair to become an official couple. 

(Y/N) couldn't have been happier. 

She was making good money, she had met somebody who "got" her and for all intents and purposes she was content. Completely satisfied with the way her life was going. 

And then a curveball was thrown. 

"... measuring about six weeks… discuss your options… a follow up..." 

(Y/N) remembered bits and pieces of her doctor's appointment. Going in for a simple check up resulted with the black and white picture in her hands. She was going to be a mother. Shaking her head she quickly tucked it into the pocket of her jacket and walked up the pathway of the Diaz household. She was surprised to see none of the usual Santos members hanging around outside, but figured they had more important matters. 

She was thankful though, as much as she liked the group she felt a sense of relief that they wouldn't be around to hear the news. 

"Está roto tu celular?" Oscar asked, as she walked through the door, when he received a head shake he continued, "then why haven't you been answering your phone?"

(Y/N) took a seat opposite him at the table, instead of answering his question she had one of her own. "Do you know what a wombat is?" 

"Why?" 

"Come on, just answer."

He scoffed, redirecting the conversation, "where were you?"

"I was busy." Was her response.

"Busy? That's all I get?" He glared, "for three days? No contact. Nothing. For three days!? I know you like your space (Y/N), but fuck! At least give me a heads up or something. Give me something. I'm dealing with shit from Cuchillos and 19th Street and all you can tell me is that you've been busy? To answer my calls?" He stood up, "fuck that!"

She watched as he began to pace between the kitchen and living room, "I'm sorry… but, uh – a wombat? Do you know –" 

"I don't give a fuck about a wombat, (Y/N)!" He yelled, walking back towards her, "after the second day of you not answering my calls and finding out that you used up a week of your sick leave I sent Sad Eyes and Oso by your place to check if anything had happened," he took a deep breath, "your car was parked in front and you weren't there. Only reason I stayed behind was in case you'd come here. You're here now and you can't even give me a straight answer." 

"A wombat is native to Australia and their poops are cubed," she blurted and giggled, "isn't that funny?"

"(Y/N)."

"Cubed poops, Osc. And, they –" 

"(Y/N)."

"– use it to mark their territory," she whipped out her phone and searched up an image of a wombat to show him, "see? Aren't they cute? Oh and let's look at the –" 

"(Y/N)!" 

She looked up at him, "yes?" 

Oscar huffed and moved towards the door, "you know what? Fuck it, get out. Spend another three days by yourself or whatever. I don't give a fuck anymore," he opened it up, "porque tenía mejores cosas que hacer con mi tiempo." 

(Y/N) knew she messed up. 

She didn't mean to downplay his feelings or dismiss his concerns. She just needed to build her way up to reveal the news. Now, she realised that it would've been easier to come out and say it. Rather than talk about one of the multitude of facts she had read recently. 

"I–I'm sorry, Oscar," she blinked back tears and reached into her jacket pocket, "whenever you called, I wanted to pick up. I really did, but I held back 'cause saying it over the phone wouldn't have been the right thing to do, you deserved to be told upfront." 

His eyebrows furrowed, "(Y/N)? What are you going on about?" 

She stood up, "I've been feeling unwell for a while. At first I thought it was nothing, especially since I decided to indulge in a (burger)." 

"You've told me that your body –" 

"I know… but, I just couldn't help myself, okay?" Pulling out the paper she held it in her hands, "anyway, I went and saw the doctors. I was given some news… and, I distanced myself 'cause I just needed time to think. I'm sorry that I never contacted you, I just needed to get myself together," she held it out to him, "I've gone over my options and… you can be there for them, we don't need to be together."

He walked towards her and took the paper out of her hands, unfolding the paper his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and then a look of realisation came upon him. (Y/N) took a step back as he stepped forward, she looked down at her feet until she felt his hands lift her chin. Her eyes connected with his. 

"You're pregnant." 

"I'm sorry." 

"No, (Y/N), don't ever apologise for this, okay? This is as much as me as it is you." He pecked her forehead, 

She took his hands away from her face, "like I said you don't need to be -" 

"Why wouldn't I want to be a part of this? Be a part of this family. My family." 

"You… still want me? No, wait – us?" 

Oscar wrapped his arms around her, "absolutely bonita!" he held her at arm's length, looking into her eyes, "we're in this together."  

"Really?" 

"Yeah, I'm not going anywhere, baby." He replied, easing her worries, "I'm gonna do better than what was done for me. This baby is gonna know who their dad is. And that no matter what, their dad's gonna be there for them." 

Not to be the bearer of bad news, she knew it had to be said, "what about Cuchillos and 19th Street?' 

"They'll be handled. You and our little blessing come first." 

(Y/N) gave a watery smile and placed his hands on her stomach. There wasn't a bump yet, it would probably pop out in a few months. Oscar bent down and placed his forehead against hers. The couple continued to embrace each other, enjoying the sense of peace that surrounded them. 

When they broke apart, he held her face in his hands again, "we're gonna be dope parents." 

- ♤ - ♡ - ◇ - ♧ - 

Spanish Translation(s): 

Está roto tu celular? - is your phone broken? 

Porque tenía mejores cosas que hacer con mi tiempo - because I've got better things to do with my time.

Bonita - beautiful

[wolfy2109]

Tokka Week 2020: Family💖💖

(just another one-shot)

It's been months since I've seen her, I left thinking it'll be a matter of weeks. The councils of both the tribes had agreed and even I didn't anticipate a resistance. I wondered from time to time how she felt when she got to know that I'll be kept longer and was in a civil war of sorts again,if she'll show up in her metal armour again. The thought of how that armour clings tightly around her upper body was enough to make a grown man day dream. He thought about how soft her cheeks and lips were,all he wanted to was kiss her, passionately. He thought about holding his baby girl in his arms and kissing her forehead,she was the brightest child in the world according to him. He hoped Toph hadn't been too hard on her.

By the time he reached the door step,his every muscle was torn from tiredness,his head hurt from the long hours of sleepless travel(troubles in the ship). But his heart was so full of happiness,his mind full of thoughts and activities to do with both of his girls. He knocked the door and one of his known servants opened the door, thankfully. "Bo, it's so good to see you. Can you get some guys to put all this luggage in my room?" Sokka said,he was the kind of guy who treated servants with more respect than anyone,water tribe had engrained these values of compassion for one and all in him well enough. However,Bo didn't match his enthusiasm,he looked rather flustered, uncomfortable. He didn't meet his eyes when he answered "Sure sir,welcome back. I'll get right at it. ". Sokka was a chief,a strategist and a warrior he knew damn well that something was going on,he raised an eyebrow at Bo,to which Bo replied "did the news reach you?". Sokka worriedly replied "what news?. Is Toph okay?. Is she gone for another dangerous case?. Is Lin-" ,he was then cut off by a "nothing, she's just in an important meeting and will be late,your daughter will be in the study as of now,you can meet her."

Bo then rushed off and Sokka knew something was off but he didn't care,he was seeing Lin after 6 months,he entered the study and saw her dedicatedly reading some book on the history of earth kingdom,when she looked at him,her eyes sparked up with excitement. She ran to him and hugged him,he picked her up. "You're getting bigger,young chief" he told Lin. She giggled and gave him the biggest kiss on the cheek. They spent the entire afternoon talking about how he had fought cleverly and bravely and stopped a civil war and how Lin had aced the basics of earth bending forms. They were laughing like two six year olds,one of them was and well the other was, let's just say not six at all.

Nonetheless they talked like equals,like a true father and daughter duo. They both were fascinated with each other's stories,proud of their achievements and blissful to be back together again. Sokka told Lin that she didn't have to go to any class today, she'll be home spending "quality time" with her father and Lin was more than pleased with this offer.

Sokka went to take a bath after his lunch with Lin and found the two servants who were supposed to bring his luggage up to his room chatting. "I don't know how it's going to be like when he finds out. He has no idea." .The other servant replied "only a matter of time before it all blows up in her face,the nasty attitude,the bringing a guy in the house a week after he left.". Sokka couldn't believe what he had just heard,his body was paralyzed. He felt like he could no longer function. When he had gotten together with Toph he knew it was real,she made him the happiest man on the planet,their comfort with each other was unparalleled. He had been gone longer and she too,why didn't she wait this time. He was no Kanto,he was Sokka,her long time friend,her colleague,her family. He immediately stopped the thoughts from going any further and consuming him. He believed in her and her love. After his bath,his distress had still not eased.

As much as he didn't want to involve Lin in this he had to. Reassuring and horrible thoughts kept gushing his mind,the thoughts had reached the brim of his mind. He went to Lin,she was in her room playing with some of the toys he had got from his home,her fascination with them lit up her face. She was the most adorable child he had ever seen and also the smartest,he took great pride in raising her.

Sokka taught her how to use some of the toys and after five matches of Pai-sho which he deliberately let her win,Lin was tired. Sokka sat next to her,he didn't want to involve her in this and get to know how insecure her father is being right now but he had no other choice. "Lin,has some man been coming home lately?." ,he asked. His tone was a semi-friendly one but it masked fear,a lot of it, nervousness and denial to believe anything other than no. "Yeah,there has been. He has been coming every week since you've left. He is amazing,he brings me these amazing gummies and-", before Lin could complete,Sokka got up and told her to go and play with some of her friends for a while,he had some work to do. Before Lin could stop him and cling to him,he stormed out of the room.

There was no servant in his sight or he would have beaten the truth out of them. His mind was now an utter mess ,"how could she?.We were so happy,we didn't give it the name of a marriage but we were one happy family. She couldn't. She wouldn't have. Maybe it was Aang,maybe he's in town. Maybe it's the servant who reads her notices and letters. It can't be, I trust her and her love for me." ,all these thoughts were enough for him to stop mid-way and rub his forehead that was still aching from the lack of sleep. He was angry at her,who was this man after all?. He was angry at himself,how can his trust in her be so fickle.

He entered his room,their room. And he saw her. Face turned the other side. She was in her armour but something seemed wierd. She wasn't standing in the attention position she had mastered,she looked fragile. He never thought a day would come when she looked…….weak. "Toph" his voice was full of emotions for a second his mind had forgotten all about this other man,his voice was soft, calming and on the verge of cracking. They both were always on duty,they spent months like these often,Toph would go off and Sokka would stay with Lin and vice versa. But every time they saw each other after their period of separation,they spent the whole night talking, hugging, being happy that they were safe, mocking each other and what not. These memories calmed Sokka down.

He heard a gasp,he could see that she had lifted one hand and probably put it at her mouth?,her face was facing the other side. "Wouldn't you turn around?" He asked her. It was obvious now,he was crying. He heard a muffled sob. "I'm sorry Sokka, I don't know what to do, I'm happy to see you, I am, I really am but I don't know how to say this to you",her voice was cracking after every five words. Sokka's heart sank,so there is another man,he thought. He took a step back,he felt devastated,angry, miserable, heart broken and it wasn't long before he would've started shouting at her,he couldn't handle it.

He did everything right,he loved her right,if she didn't want him home,she could have sent a letter. Hawkie was always here to deliver anyway. "Look me in the eye and say it,Toph.",his voice asserted dominance,she had only heard him talk like this on battle fields to the people who answer to him. But it was not only dominance,his voice sounded like he was repressing anger and pain,a lot of it. So he knew,she thought. She hated his reaction,as scared as she was,she didn't expect THIS.

"Oh, I'm sorry Sokka. It's all my fault,if it hurts you so much get out of here, I've done all this once and I'll do it a second time.",she turned around in fury. Sokka scoffed and was about to say something when he saw it.

Was it a baby bump?. He hadn't seen her in the nine months when she was pregnant with Lin but here she was, standing with one hand on her stomach and the other on her back. She continued in fury "do you know how it was like for me?. A week after you left I found out about THIS. But I thought it wouldn't be as hard for me because now you were here,you would look after our child,Sokka!!". She sat on the bed side and tried to continue screaming when Sokka came down at his knees and touched the baby bump. He kissed it,his touch was so gentle, she had missed it so much. Toph breathed sharply,the gesture came as a surprise to her. "What are you doing?" She said. "Why didn't you tell me Toph, I would've-" he was cut off by Toph,"come right away? That's why. I didn't want to put you in a situation where you had to choose between your duties and your family. Whether or not you would have liked this,you would've been effected by it. You were at war for crying out loud. I was so scared for you,so worried about you-". Sokka shut her up with a kiss that was filled with longing and love and an apology?. She thought. They both leaned in, losing themselves completely in this,cheeks wet from tears and eyes shut close. This moment lasted forever,they took moments off where Sokka stroked her hair and she kissed his hand.

They were then interrupted by a coughing sound and when they pulled away,Sokka saw a man at the door,he carried a small bag and had spectacles. "Sokka,this is my doctor. He makes sure of my health,my mom and dad send him in every 4-5 days because of their paranoia." Sokka kissed her nose and whispered "I'm sorry" in her ear. Before she could ask him for what,he bombarded the doctor with questions "is the child going to be healthy?. Is Toph fine?. Why is her bump still so small?. When is it going to kick?. Will it be a bender or a non bender,does it know that it doesn't matter?. Is it a boy or a girl?.". He spent hours getting filled up on her pregnancy months that he had not been a part of from the doctor, Toph just lay on the bed smiling and grinning. Occasionally saying things like "Meathead STOP,YOU ARE EMBARRASSING!!" and laughing at his replies that went like "then what are you?".

She adored him with all her heart,she finally was with the right man,this one would stick around,this one pushes her to be a better parent everyday,this one means the world to her. Her mind was at so much ease,sometime after the doctor left and Sokka had kissed her and hugged her and jumped around her in excitement and love and also explained what he had thought was going on and got scolded for it,Lin peeked through the door. She thought she was hiding properly but both Sokka and Toph knew she was here. "Lin!!!! Why didn't you tell me?!. You're getting a sister or a brother." Sokka exclaimed,"I'm sorry, I thought you already knew" Lin sounded overly apologetic. "No,no sweetie, it's fine,dad's here,come sit with us". He picked her up and placed her near Toph's belly.

There they were,three of them looking like a real family. No marriage,not even Sokka's biological child but he didn't care,Lin was hers and so was Toph. There was another baby coming and they were a perfect family. They spent the evening getting ready for a fancy dinner at Toph's favorite restaurant(cravings you know),Sokka kept obsessing about just how beautiful Toph was and she kept touching him whenever she could,brushing hands,nose rubs,hugs. Pregnancy had made her soft,she thought. No,it was Sokka,he always makes her this way and she loves it. As Sokka carried Lin on his shoulders,Toph brushed her hair with her hand. Sokka looked at her face with love and adoration, excitement for this new chapter of their lives and she knew he was looking. She even blushed a little. God,how Sokka loved making her blush. "Gonna stare at me all night meathead or are we ever gonna leave?." She smirked and they all went to have dinner. And so just an overly happy family at an overly expensive restaurant with an overly protective man who glared at every man who looked at his woman and kid who looked at his daughter enjoyed their meal in peace or their idea of peace.

[needtobreathe-throughsmoke]

By James Shotwell

Love is a rebellious act. Anyone can light a fire or throw a punch, but not everyone is comfortable being vulnerable. Love requires vulnerability. More than anything else, love demands that we position ourselves to be hurt over and over again. Some would claim that such decisions are a sign of insanity, but anyone who has ever known true love will tell you that it's always worth the risk. The warmth of a loving embrace is perhaps the most comforting force on this planet. To be seen and accepted for who you are rather than what you hope others believe you to be is the most empowering experience in life.

NEEDTOBREATHE understand risk. For the better part of two decades now, the South Carolina rock band has consistently challenged themselves and their fans to be more transparent. Their songs rip open every scar and suture we use to hide our weakest moments and worst traits in hopes of bringing understanding and empathy into the world. For them, building community is everything, and the only way to forge a foundation of lasting bonds is through unwavering truth. They ask listeners to find comfort in being themselves and demand they make spaces for others to do the same. As Kurt Cobain would say, “Come as you are.”

“Into the Mystery,” the lead single off NEEDTOBREATHE's eighth studio album of the same name, finds the road-weary group recommitting themselves to their purpose. It's a love song written for anyone who needs to feel less alone. Some will undoubtedly interpret the lyrics as a cry to Christ or God or some higher power, but I don't feel such connections are necessary. A savior is anyone or anything that reaches through the fog of fear and discomfort to make you feel like you belong. It's not about some physical form that rushes into bad times and saves you as it is a feeling you get when you know you can breathe easy, even if only for a moment. As the lyrics describe:

Love is not a cage, love is not a path

Love's a steady hand waiting for the storm to pass

You loved me then when you needed me

But will you still when it's not so easy

Growing up, I always idolized my grandfather. He was a Presbyterian preacher who spent most of his life doing good deeds for the communities that welcomed him. There was no potluck, fundraiser, wedding, funeral, or graduation party he would not attend. If someone lost their spouse, he made sure they were fed and cared for as long as it took for them to process their grief. If someone needed a man of faith to oversee their wedding, he was their man. He would put the world before himself and never think twice. For him, acts of service were his purpose. He knew that making people feel like they were a part of something bigger than themselves was of the utmost importance.

I remember countless days where I watched as my grandfather welcomed a revolving door of people into his home and office for the sole purpose of offering them comfort. I never really knew what they were going through, and I got the sense that he didn't either, but it didn't matter. People were suffering. They had money problems, romantic entanglements, demanding children, and unruly relatives. Some had received news from their doctors that things were never going to get better. Others didn't even know what was wrong, but they could not shake the feeling that nothing would ever be good ever again. Maybe my grandfather couldn't always give them what they wanted, but he gave them what they needed. Sometimes, just being there is enough.

You don't need God to believe in the power of community. A shared belief in an omnipresent being certainly helps create spaces where people can gather and share, but it's not a requirement. All that you need is a willingness to be vulnerable with strangers. To find within yourself the strength to accept others as they are and to admit the things you are not. If you can shake loose from the shackles of whatever lies you tell yourself to avoid getting to the heart of what makes you tick, then you can find yourself surrounded by others who feel just as lost as you, and through that shared understanding, beautiful things can unfold.

I don't know everything the members of NEEDTOBREATHE believe, but I know they recognize the tremendous power of music. Their songs are open calls to people in need of something. They are moments in time committed to tape for the sole purpose of providing comfort in a world of endless chaos and heartache. Like a letter from someone that you haven't seen in ages, "Into The Mystery" is a reminder that we are never truly alone as long as we have songs. We are always just a few clicks or gestures on a stereo away from feeling the sonic embrace of people who, like you and I, are doing their best to make sense of something nobody in the history of humankind has been able to comprehend.

To end here without acknowledging that sometimes a song or album isn't enough would downplay the sense of longing and isolation that many of us feel. When those times arise, I recall a passage from mindfulness leader Ram Dass that I recently had tattooed onto my right arm. He believed that what often weighs us down is our obsession over everything other than what is happening right now. We are worried about what will happen next week or overthinking actions from the past. Ram Dass found that the best cure for these moments of anxiety is to reset yourself. As he wrote in his iconic work Be Here Now:

Ask yourself: Where am I?

Answer: Here.

Ask yourself: What time is it?

Answer: Now.

Say it until you can hear it.

We control so very little of our lives that it is astounding any of us make it through any given day without total catastrophe befalling us. We are infinitesimally tiny creatures on a small blue ball suspended in infinite space that is constantly expanding. There may be life beyond our planet, but it doesn't matter because most of us don't even know our neighbors. We are painfully alone in almost every way you can measure such a thing, and yet our spirits endure immeasurable hardship because that is what humans have always done. The only moments of relief we get are when we gather and connect through whatever means are available to us. In those moments, we are fully alive in the present, and that is where I want you to exist.

We are sons and daughters

We are flesh and dust

We are pulled from the wreckage

We are not alone

We are lovers broken

We are vicarious dreams

We are tumbling in space out of control

Into the mystery

Into the mystery

If you feel alone right now, please know that I, too, will follow you into the mystery. Who knows? It may be the adventure of a lifetime.

A serious question

Someone recently asked me if I had any long-term goals for my newsletter. The question honestly left me a bit speechless. As much as I may have made a career out of writing, I have never been one to know where I was going from one moment to the next. The fact I've written nearly a dozen of these over the last year is nothing short of a miracle. I like to believe that I will continue writing for as long as I have thoughts to share, but I am genuinely surprised every time a new idea strikes.

I had to tell you that quick story so that you understood the following thought. I don't know what will become of this newsletter in six months or a year, but I want the stories and perspectives I share here to exist outside these emails. My solution is to gather together every essay I've written over the last 2 to 3 years and release them in a tangible, physical form. I want you to be able to hold my words close to your heart. I want to gather dust on your bookshelf.

With that in mind, I'm asking: Would you buy a collection of my writing? I know money is hard to come by for many of you, so I'm thinking of creating a zine or short-run paperback that will cost $10 or less. It's not about making money for me. I would probably donate the revenue to a nonprofit. As much as I want to make a career out of my creativity, part of me believes that communicating thoughts and ideas should be a pure act. If I start doing it for the money, then I've already lost my way.

So — let me know! Do you want a book of my essays in your home?

[renee-writer]

Exchange Student Chapter 19 Six Years Later

He was as good as his word. His parents and, even eventually, Jenny and Ian, urge him to move on. But he refuses to let her go.

“Come brother, you are going stag to by wedding?” Jenny had said when her and Ian were marrying, three years, two months, and five days, after he last held Claire. Yes, he knew it to the second.

“There is none else Jenny. Ne' will be.”

She was also as good as her word and wrote everyday up until a year ago. Her letters got fewer and fewer before ending. Yet he still refuses to give up on her. This is why he finds himself ready when she does write him again.

He will recall the day, the moment, forever. He had just returned home from seeing Jenny and Ian's newborn, Ian James. He picks up the post as he comes through the door. He had moved into a croft on the property three years ago when he turned 18.

He stops dead and let’s everything else fall when he sees her handwriting.

“Jamie,

I am so sorry. I know I broke my promise. I did try to write it was just some of the places I was at, well, it was difficult to post from.

I have been working for Doctors Without Borders. I didn't want to worry you so I didn’t tell you. I am sorry.

But, I am back now. Please Jamie, if you haven’t moved on, will you meet me at the Coffee Shoppe in Edinburgh on the 13th at 9am.”

The 13th was the next day! He spend the rest of that day re-reading her letter and waiting for time to pass. He barely slept.

He was at the assigned place an hour early, as soon as they opened. He sat, watching the front door, and nervously sipping coffee.

She walks in ten minutes before nine, those wonderful honey eyes scanning the place. God, the smile when she sees him!

“Jamie!” He is up and meets her in the middle of the shop and then she is in his arms, finally!

“Oh God! Oh Jamie it has been..”

“Six years two months and five days, since I held you in my arms.”

“You kept track!” she is laughing and crying as she holds him.

“Of every second. Claire, I couldn’t do less. You are my world.”

“You are mine. Jamie, I love you. I never stopped.”

“I love you. I kept my word. Only you.”

“I kept mine too. In that respect. Will you come with me. I have a flat here. Just moved in. Boxes all over but..”

“Yes. A thousand times yes!” They were unaware that all the other patrons were listening. They are to lost in each other. That is until a cheer goes uo.

“That is it laddie, don't let her go again.” An old man at the counter says.

“I don't intend too.”

“I did write you every day. I've a box of letters you can read, ones I wasn’t able to post, if you wish.”

“Thank you. God Claire, I wasn’t sure what to think when your letters stopped. Everyone told me to give up on you. Even Jenny and Ian eventually.”

“They are doing well?”

“Aye. Have a new bairn, named Ian James.”

“Ohh. I am sorry Jamie. As I said, I didn’t want to worry you. I didn’t know how hard it would be to get post out or I would have.”

“I ne' lost faith in you, in us. I couldn’t. This, what is between us, is to strong.”

“And still here.”

“Aye tis'.” They had reached her door. She takes her key and lets him in. She is right, there are boxes everywhere.

“I just got the kitchen together and bed setup.” She explains.

“The bed, eh. Claire, I meant it. There has been no one else. I am still..”

“A virgin?”

“Aye.”

“Me too.”

“Claire, I really need to kiss you. May I?”

“Kiss me Jamie. Make love to me. If that is your desire.”

“That has been my desire for near on seven years now.” Said in a hoarse voice as he lowers his head. The kiss that was 6 plus years in the making, is explosive, to say the least. She literally grows faint at the feeling of his lips on hers. He holds her tight against him. She is in no danger of falling. He presses against her bum. She feels the desire of six years pressing against her and moans deeply.

“Where is that bed?” he asks against her throat. She directs him and he manages not to trip over the boxes on the way there. She is jerking on his clothes, trying to undress him as he navigates the unpacked boxes. They stop at the end of the bed.

“You are so beautiful Claire.”

“So are you. So bloody gorgeous.” The hints she had seen of the man he would grow into are now fully there. The gangly muscles of his teens now fully formed. “May I see you?”

He pulls of his shirt and sits on the edge of the bed to remove his boots and socks. She still stands watching him as he stands. He buckles the belt and lowers his jeans. He stands in boxer briefs that show just how much he wants her.

“Now, may I see you?” She slowly unbuttons her shirt, keeping her eyes on him. She slips it off and unhooks her bra and lets it fall. She sees him swallow. She kicks off her shoes and wiggles out of her pants. Her knickers are red lace, bought for this moment. Well worth the money by his reaction.

“God Claire.”

“We were good. Waited until adulthood but I can’t wait anymore. I went on the pill a month ago. I am safe and I want you Jamie. Badly.”

It is all he can take and he crushes her to him. He takes her lips in a bruising kiss as he works his hands under that red lace and finds her bum. He works her towards the bed. She climbs up and breaks the kiss. It matters not as his lips trail down her neck working down to her chest.

“Yes please.” She groans as he finds her nipple he kisses, licks, before sucking her in deep. “Oh God! Yes!”

They lay on the bed as he loves on her breasts and she gets to know his new muscles.

“May I?” He has his hands on the tiny knickers.

“Yes, as long as I can.” They remove the last layers and he stares at her in wonder. She is doing the same.

“I don't recall you being so.. big.”

“Grown a bit since fifteen. Oh, my love, I will fo my best not to harm you.”

“No I just. God Jamie, I am so bloody turned on. I want to feel you inside me. “ She confesses as she starts to stroke him.

“I want to bury myself bawls deep inside you and make you cum so hard that your screams scare the neighbors.” He says before retaking her lips and working his hand between her legs.

“Oh God Jamie! “ She groans as he finds her clit and retakes her nipple. “Just there. Bloody brilliant.” She is soon jerking under his fingers.

“Now?” In answer, she guides him between her legs and into to her. “Ah dhai!”

She presses her face in his neck. “Don't hesitate. Faster is better, I think.” She feels him draw in his breath before pushing forward. The pain is sharp and almost as esquist as the pleasure he had bought her to early. She gasps out and bites down on his neck.

He completely stills. She does to as they both react to the feeling of finally being one flesh.

“Okay baby? Did I hurt you bad?”

“Okay now. It was just for a moment. You can move now.” He does slowly. The slide in and out is quickly returning her to growing esquist pleasure. “Oh Jamie. Oh my love.”

“Claire. Oh my God! Claire!”

“Oh Jamie, I am..” Jesus! Her walls clamp around him and it takes all that is in him to still, to let her ride it out. “Oh my!” She arches against him and he presses her closer.

“Claire, I must move.”

“Please. Move baby. Cum with me.” He presses forward a few more times before shuddering and emptying himself in her.

After, as they lay tangled together, she tells him about all the places she had been in the last year. He tells her of the changes at Lallybroch and of his wee nephew.

“I have taken a job at the hospital here. I will not be leaving again.” She vows.

“How long is your lease here?”

“Month to month. I was hoping to move back to Lallybroch.”

“Don’t unpack.” She laughs and snuggles closer.

“I was hoping you would say that.”

They are married six months later. Uncle Lamb walks her down the aisle. Before they set out she says,” I told you this was real.”

“Yes. But better as an adult.”

“Yes. Take me to my heart.”

He does. As he had once taken her away. This time he places her hand in his instead of dragging her away. She is where she always knew she would be. Home.

The end.

[leelee10898]

Fast cars & Freedom: Just a dream. (13/?)

The court date has arrived, and things unravel fast! Catch up HERE

Pairing: Logan x Ellie, Colt x Ellie

Raiting: mature

Luca was in her second week of school,  Colt was gone and Luca was very upset. Logan, however, was able to come and put her on the bus that Monday. He had won his last race and had a meeting coming up with the owners, he was more than likely about to be thrown into the big leagues. Ellie was so proud of him, he managed to turn his life completely around and with a pro retiring, that opened up a spot, Logan was the logical choice.

Wednesday morning came, Ellie opened her eyes and shook off what little sleep she got. It was here, the day she had been dreading finally had arrived. She forced herself out of bed, her head pounding, nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach same as she had for almost two weeks. These nerves needed to subside, the stress was eating at her and making her sick. She got out of the shower and began brushing her teeth, glancing at the clock outside of her bathroom.  Almost time to go, she paused mid-brush, dropping the tooth brush in the sink she turned hovering over the toilet spilling the contents of her stomach.

She sat on the floor for a while, trying to gather herself. Finally she finished getting ready and made her way downstairs. "Morning kiddo. Want the Ellie special?" The thought of food making her stomach flip "ugh. no thanks dad. Not feeling so hot today." She turned to see Logan sitting at the kitchen table. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I helped your dad get Luca on the bus and, i'm going to court with you today. For moral support." Ellie smiled at the gesture "Thanks Logan. Riya is coming too."

"Great. So, ready to go?"

Colt woke up that morning, or atleast opened his eyes, another sleepless night. He thought by leaving town he would be able to distance himself from the constant plaguing thoughts, but it didn't work. He should have known better, it was what he did the last time. He thought by letting her go she would be better off. It never worked, she was on his mind every day for six years and then for the last few months. He should go to her, to fight for her but even if he drove faster he would never make it in time. He flopped out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt.  

   "Morning." Darcy said, sipping a cup of coffee. Colt simply grunted sticking his head inside the fridge.

  "That bad huh? You know you come up here to get away, my guess is you need to talk about something, and yet you won't." She threw her hands up in the air.

   "Today is the court date. In a few hours I'll be divorced," Colts harden expression faltered, the tears began to well. "I lost them before I even had a chance to show them how much I wanted them." He cried out "I love them, all I wanted was to be with them." He completely broke down in front of his mother. Colt always had his guard up, he was never one to show any kind of emotion, not to his mother, not to his father,  but when it came to Ellie she was the only one who he let in.

Darcy came over and wrapped her arms around her son. "Colt, honey I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I didn't know. Oh what have I done."

Colt sat up looking at his mother confused. "What are you talking about? Mom, what did you do?"

Ellie stood in the courtroom, Darnell at her side. Logan and Riya sat in the seats in the back. She was nervous, very nervous. Colt signed the papers agreeing to the divorce but her nerves were getting the best of her. She didn't feel well, she felt dizzy, nauseous and her head was pounding. She listened as the judge went over the details of the divorce.  "In regards to the assets, I see you have declined splitting half of the assets?"

"Yes your honor, that is correct." She answered. She found out that aside from the garage and the house, Colt was loaded financially, and that was just what was traceable. Knowing Teppei, he had plenty stashed somewhere. None of it was hers, and she would never take away from Colt.

She stood there trying to take in everything the judge told her, but all she could think about was the hurt look on Colts face. Where he was, what he was doing in that moment. She loved him, she did, it was just better this way and she had to do it. "Are you in agreeance of all covered today, and freely deciding to dissolve the marriage to Colton Kaneko?" The judge pulled her from her thoughts. She tried to speak but the words would not come, she felt disoriented, lightheaded and sick to her stomach. "I… I" And before she knew it, everything went black. The last thing she heard was Riya yelling her name.

Colt sat there stunned by what his mother had  told Ellie at his house. That she was the one to push her to go through with the divorce. "I am so very sorry Colt. I didn't know. I didn't know how you felt and I just wanted to-" she shook her head not wanting to finish the sentence. "You just wanted to what mom?" He challenged.

"I just wanted to save her and that little girl the same heartache we had to endure."

Colts eyes went wide, he stood knocking over the chair. "I'm not him mom. I am not Teppei Kaneko. He walked out on us. He ignored us, he chose that life over us. I'm not him, Mom. Stop comparing me to him. I would choose Ellie and Luca over my own life, I love them." He hollered. Darcy sat there, tears streaming down her face. "I'm sorry Colt. I really am. Tell me what I can do." Colt began to pace the floor "Oh you've done enough. I lost them." He looked at the time, pulling out his phone.  "Fuck. No reception." He walked out to the lake trying to clear his head. She would be in court by now, and the divorce was probably finalized.

"Ellie? Ellie? Can you hear me?" Ellie tried to shake off the haze. Her head hurt so bad "ngh. Logan?" She squinted her eyes against the bright lights above her. "Hey troublemaker. You scared us." He grinned at her, helping her sit up.

"What happened? Where am I?" She winced, the pain in her head hitting her all at once.

"You fainted in the courtroom. You hit your head. How are you feeling?" Riya stood in front of her bed.

"Like I went a round with Ronda Rousey." She chuckled.

A man in a white Jacket walked in a minute later "Hello Miss Martin. I'm Dr Jones, we have been waiting for you to wake up. How are you feeling?" He began to assess her.

"Ok, I guess. My head hurts really bad." She sighed.

"Right, of course. That's to be expected when one hits their head. Your friends say you fainted. Is this a normal occurrence?"

"No. I've never fainted before." She answered as he checked her pupils

"Any dizziness, vomiting, loss of balance?" He asked.

"Yes, all of the above." She winced again as he touched the tender spot on her head.

"Ok. We drew some blood, just waiting for the labs to come back. In the meantime, we will get you something for that headache." Ellie nodded as the doctor typed on the computer and left the room.

"Oh Ellie, thank god you're ok." Darnell barrelled into the room. "I'm ok. I think. Oh no, the hearing, you went through the trouble of rushing it."

"Hey thats ok. Your health is more important. But, the Judge will do a closed circuit chat if you want. She is wanting to wrap this up before her vacation." Ellie smiled at Darnell, "yes definitely."

"OK. I'll set it up. Be back shortly." Darnell left the room, riya went with him to check on Markus leaving her alone with Logan.

Ellie looked over to see Him with a forlorn look upon his face. "Penny for your thoughts?" Logan turned to look at her. "Ellie, I love you. You know I have always loved you, and I always will.  You were the first and only girl I ever loved."

"Logan…"

"Let me finish. I. I think you're making a huge mistake." She gave him a confused look.

"Don't go through with the divorce Ellie. Colt, he loves you. And I don't know if I'm Luca's dad or he is, but he loves that little girl too. I just think you should give him a chance."

Ellie looked at him wide eyed.  "Logan, you hate Colt."

"Yeah, I did but, people grow. And don't worry about me, I'll be fine." He gave her a gentle squeeze.

"I appreciate your honesty, but I have to do it. But Logan, I think you should pursue things with Stacie. She's a great girl and I happen to know she thinks you're pretty great." She couldn't believe what he just said.

"Ellie I don't know. Isn't that messed up? She's your friend. I can't do that to you." Logan hesitated.

"I know, and its ok. I want you to be happy, and even if you didn't notice it, you guys have some great chemistry."

Darnell walked in,interrupting the moment.  "We're all set. You ready?" Ellie nodded. Logan giving her a hug and a soft kiss on the cheek. "Just think about what I said. It's not too late."

Logan's phone rang, he looked down seeing a familiar number.  "Its the doctors office." He lifted the phone to his ear.

Hello. Yes this is Logan Rider. They are? Well we are at the hospital right now, Ellie had a health scare. Really? Yes, that would be perfect. Yes. Thank you.

He hung up, quickly running into the room.

"The results are in. The doctor is actually visiting patients in the hospital right now. He can pull the results up and read them to us today. "

Ellie felt that nauseous feeling creeping up again. This was the moment they had been waiting for and Colt wasn't there. "Just a few minutes Logan, please." Logan nodded and walked out of the room.  He picked up the phone dialing a number he didn't think he ever would. Straight to voicemail. "Colt, its Logan. The results are in. If you get this come to the hospital asap."

Colt stood at the water's edge, every emotion he had buried deep down inside came spilling out.  It was as if he was a dam that had broken and he couldn't patch it. He tried his phone again and again. Moving to different areas just trying to pick up some kind of signal, all his efforts failing.  "FUUUUCK." he screamed as he tossed his phone onto the ground, quickly realizing what he did, he picked the phone up which was now cracked and not working. He stomped inside the house even more mad then he was to begin with.

He grabbed the house phone dialing his number. 10 new voicemails. A few from toby giving him updates at the shop. One from Logan, another from Logan, and then the last two from Ellie. The paternity results were in, and he wasn't going to be there. He tried her phone,  but it went to voicemail.

Ellie it's me, Colt. I know I'm not going to be there for the results and I am so, so mad at myself for it. I also know that by now we're probably divorced. I just want you to know that I love you el, with all my heart.  And if Luca is my Daughter, I will be the best father to her, the kind of father she deserves. I know if I don't hear from you, she's not mine. But even then, I will always be there for her, and you.

Colt hung up and paced the floor, going through a mix of emotions. He checked his voicemail every 20 minutes, it became a ritual. It was now 9pm and he never heard from Ellie.  He tried to convince himself that maybe she got busy, maybe she was just in Shock but the fact that she did not call told him that Luca was his afterall. He finally fell into bed, he had been an emotional wreck the entire day. He could feel his heart breaking in two, he had lost her,  he had lost the family he so desperately wanted. It was just him and him alone.

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