#but god it really felt like Too much at one point. trust in your audience man...

[mayor-david-prentiss]

dunmeshi was a rly fun read but i feel like it got really dumbed down in the last quarter after everything got revealed, which is sad, bc i really enjoyed the characters and the themes, but it felt like such a slog to get thru until the end bc it felt like it was just one dramatic speech (usually from laios) to the next, with the characters frequently repeating long established info like the reader is too dumb to connect the dots themselves. which is kinda annoying in a manga geared towards adults.

[heavenlyascent]

Besides the mini games, there weren't really aspects of the changes in FF7 Rebirth that upset me too much. I can get over the additions of Tifa being consumed by a Weapon or the Gi being a more integral part of the story because, well, they're more additions than anything else. Unnecessary additions but additions never the less

(actually that's a lie the entire Glenn plot gets to me but only because if it turns out he's Cloud's long lost father, I will flip my absolute shit).

Then I got to Nibelheim and I honestly got so annoyed that I had to stop. That they changed it from a rebuilt town with people pretending nothing ever happened to a town that's being used as a recovery certain for degrading SOLDIERS and the mayor acknowledged that the Nibelheim Incident happened is insane? How could you take out one of the more horrific and pivotal points of the storyline for both Cloud and Tifa? Like sure yes Tifa is enraged that they rebuilt Nibelheim like it never happened but where's the gaslighting, the unsettling uncanniness of a town that is pretend it has been the same for five years, that a mass murder didn't happen?

There's a stark difference between Tifa going into her home and finding another person living in her room and saying she's always been there and her home being used a clinic. The pain and wrath of her coming home and having her trauma and pain being removed. That she's told to her face 'what happened to you, your family, your friends, that didn't happen, you're crazy' because Shrina HAD to hide what Sephiroth did--because if the world found out what he did, it meant they'd have to find out what SHRINA DID.

And Cloud? Cloud who is already mentally fragile, breaking slowly, coming back home and finding physical proof that everything didn't happen the way he remembered? Lies on top of lies that he can't untangle?

What about how Nibelheim is a central part of the main story??? Undeniable proof of Shrina's power that they can go back into a massacred village, destroy any proof that hundreds of people lived and died there, rebuild it, put actors in to those homes, and pretend like nothing ever happened? Does no one on the writing team see how taking that element out of Rebuilt Nibelhiem changes everything.

God, like the original storyline hit so hard for the player. For hours we're being told by Cloud and Tifa about the devastation of what Sephiroth and Shrina did; we see the physical and mental wounds that they carry from that night, we have a flashback we play through so we know exactly how it felt--and then we arrive at Nibehliem and it's fine. It's what one of the effective parts of the original story--a gut punch that takes the air out of everyone on the team and the audience.

AND THEY DELETED IT?

God, what does that take away from Sephiroth's storyline too?? They acknowledged SOMETHING HAPPENED in NIBELHIEM with HIM. THE WHOLE POINT IS TO HIDE EVERYTHING ABOUT SEPHIROTH AND THE JENOVA PROJECT WHY WOULD SHRINA EVER LET SOMEONE ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HAPPENED???

The more I think about it, the more this change really pisses me off. I can't understand why they thought changing pretend Nibelhiem's story except that maybe they thought it couldn't be done with the way the upgraded technology works now? The world would have to know that something was wrong with Nibelhiem just pretended everything was okay.

Except, again, no one knew about Nibelhiem except for Tifa and Cloud. Nibelhiem is a small, remote village, no one would care if it suddenly disappeared off the map--and for the most part, we never run into anyone who actually acknowledges Nibelhiem except for Tifa and Cloud. It's, again, why returning to pretend Nibelhiem hits so hard--because it puts Tifa and Cloud's already questionable stories into jeopardy. Whose lying now about this? Tifa? Cloud? Both of them? None??? Can we even trust what we've seen in the story so far?

Or Shinra, this constantly looming shadow, so powerful it can rewrite history and memories.

The thing is they could have kept the clinic thing going if they had just kept up the plotpoint of people in the village DENYING what happened during the Nibelhiem Incident. If instead that guy had just said 'I have no idea who you are or what you mean, you never lived here Tifa' it would have worked so well.

It baffles me and kind of destroyed any generosity I had for the Remake. I overlooked a lot of things because, frankly everything so far was par for the course with Nomura. I expected going in to run into Kingdom Hearts level of absurdity, so when the Whisper plotline hit I was like ah, there it is, that's the over complication of an already complex plotline. It was fine, whatever.

But this? I even see metawise why you would remove the element? Doesn't Tifa have more of a reason to be fucking LIVID? Doesn't Cloud lose even more of grasp on reality? Doesn't Sephiroth kinda of more of a point about them being covering him up like the dirty secret he and JENOVA are--in both his birth and his death? Maybe they thought if they did so the Pretend Nibelheim story, they couldn't reasonable have Cloud explore the surrounding areas and do the stupid side quests. In which case, fucking just don't do that. Not every town had to have a goddamn a sidequest. You sacrificed one of the best parts of your story for SIDEQUESTS?!?!?!?

It's personally one of the worst aspect of the Rebirth for me. I haven't hit past it yet so I don't know if it's the worst part, but it sure as hell made me really dislike the game just for that. I can forgive a lot, I can't forgive this, and I won't.

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

The Next Step

Happy four years of Damagemas!

Summary: Cole just wants to get better. But it's easier said than done.

Trigger Warnings: mentioned attempted suicide, pet whump, dehumanization, past abuse, trauma, stockholm syndrome

820 words

Against all odds, time kept moving forward. Even when he… when Cole felt like it never would again. Like time would stop, and everything was stagnant forever.

Somehow, it never stayed like that. He was never alone for long. 

The others didn’t trust him not to try and throw himself off the roof again, he guessed. Not that he could blame them. Sometimes he found himself really considering it. 

It was all just so much. It had been a month since he’d begun to remember himself. A month since he’d finally admitted that he wanted to get better. He did. He really did.

But god, it was so hard. How was he supposed to just exist for himself again when the last year had taught him just the opposite? He’d been forced to live for one thing, and it certainly hadn’t been for himself. 

Learning had been hard. But the unlearning would be so much worse. 

Because now he had an audience. He had people who could see what he had become. His family, who looked at him like he was fragile enough to shatter at any second. Not that they were wrong. 

He’d used to be solid rock. Strong and sure of himself. But now he was practically untethered, never farther from the source of himself. 

How was he supposed to get back? How was he supposed to get them to stop looking at him with such deep pity?

“Cole?”

What if he couldn’t be fixed? What if Master had been right, what if he really was meant to be nothing more than a—

“Cole.” Zane’s voice was firm this time, demanding enough attention for Cole to finally snap out of his quickly spiraling thoughts.

“Huh?” He managed, staring back at his brother, disoriented. 

“Your heartbeat is spiking,” he informed, gentler now. “Would you like to try some of those breathing exercises again? Perhaps it would help to calm you down.” He reached out, moving to put a hand on top of his own.

Cole snatched his hand away. “No,” he said, crossing his arms like a barrier, “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Of all the questions that would make him snap, that shouldn’t have been one. And yet…

“Am I s—? Yes, Zane, I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be fine? I remember everything now, don’t I?”

“Well, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t be experiencing some negative—”

“Negative? No, no, everything is just perfect.” He said, rising in volume. “I’m home. I’ve been home for nearly three months, and I’m—” his voice cracked. “I’m still…” he couldn’t do this. Who was he kidding? “I’m still not better,” he mumbled, giving up on a fit. Of course he wasn’t going to get better. He’d been reshaped from the inside out. Of course he could never be put back to how he was supposed to be.

“Nothing is working,” he admitted, a new wave of despair propelling him to stand abruptly and begin to pace around the coffee table they’d settled in front of. “It’s been months, Zane, and I’m still — still like this. What’s the point? Nothing is working. Nothing — nothing is working,” he cried, angrily wiping tears away. “Why can’t I just get better?”

Zane slowly rose to meet him, taking his shaking hands. “Cole,” he said softly, “you’re being too hard on yourself. What you went through was… deeply traumatic. But the progress you’ve made since we found you has been exceptional. Recovering your repressed memories was no easy task. You’ve been improving far quicker than anyone could have even predicted.”

It didn’t feel true in the slightest, but he knew Zane was right. “But what if I—” he struggled, pulling away. “What if I’m never the same as I… used to be?”

Zane considered him for a moment. “Maybe you won’t be.” He sat back on the couch, beckoning Cole to follow. “When I first discovered who I truly was,” he began, “and I regained my memories of my father… it was hard. I knew I would never again be the person my memories told me I had once been.”

He put his head in his hands, miserable. “It’s not the same thing.”

“It is not,” he amended. “But what I am trying to say is that… our experiences shape us. But they do not have to define us.”

He slowly looked up, vision blurred with tears. “But what if this does?” He croaked, “What if I — what if I can’t ever move past this?”

“I believe you will. Not only are you stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for, but… you are not facing this alone, brother. We will be with you every step of the way.”

He didn’t know how to say that that was part of the problem. 

At that moment, Kai poked his head in. “Uh, hey guys? The lawyer’s here.” The pit in his chest sank deeper than ever. Shit.

[loveackermannn]

Omg omg omggg!,

When I saw your vamp Levi fic i geeked lmao

But I did some research and found out that vampires have mates…like one for the rest of their lives🥺.

So i was wondering if you can do headcanons about vamp Levi x vamp reader and them just being that one old married couple lol, also mates can feed off of each other instead of hunting which is wayyyyy more powerful since there’s love involved

Sorry lol I’m being a nerd

a/n; my lovely anon! don't apologize for this ask, i loved reading every bit of it. thank you for indulging more vamp!levi into my brain and for the extra info! it'll really help me capture these headcanons better. anyways, i hope you enjoy <;3 im such a whore for vamp!levi ugh he's so hot okay bye

warnings; suggestive content! (17+ audience please !!) levi and reader feeding off each other YWBWHAJHWR (they're both switches btw :0) + mentions of blood

---

im gonna go with the scenario in which both of you are vamps, destined to be mates for all eternity. now one would think that it's a hell of a long time to be committed to one person, but when it comes to a lover like levi – he NEVER gets tired of you, as the same with you. he practically worships the ground you walk on, the air in which you exist with him. he just can't get enough of you.

by that, it was from the start that sparked what you two are now. "love at first sight" was a stupid idea that levi couldn't even bring himself to come to terms with when he first met you upon the forest. but he quickly realized that he felt like a love sick teenager again. the way you could just be existing in his presence and he'd still feel like he's falling in love all over again.

as time passed and humans continued to grow old, you and levi were stuck in your own little world with nothing else being of importance except the exchange of love and passion towards one another.

every kiss felt needier, every touch felt exhilarating, every breath felt warmer to the point where you couldn't tell if it was levi's or yours. all that mattered was that in this moment, he was yours as you were his.

levi began his intimate ministrations from your temple to your cheek to your jaw and down to your exposed and sensitive neck. your soft skin welcomed his lips with every kiss that he could manage, savoring you, worshipping you – he felt honored to be able to have the rest of his days spent with you.

lips continuing to suck and nip at your now marked neck, levi took the time to gently graze the points of his fangs and upon doing this, the reaction you gave him was just where he wanted you– breathless, speechless.

you looked absolutely divine to him and he couldn't wait to savor the rest of what he still had to get to. but for now, he wanted to specifically take his time on your neck – you knew what was to happen next and your body anticipating his touch, jerked slightly in his hold. upon noticing this, he grips you tighter and his hot breath tickles the lobe of your ear.

"you're so fucking perfect mon amour. think you could stay still for me yeah? if anything gets too much, you know our safe word. ill stop immediately, promise."

you nod against him, smiling as your fingers meet the side of his face and he pecks your cheek in return. you trusted levi with your whole life, he'd never forgive himself if ever you got hurt, let alone get hurt because of him.

he started slow, letting you get used to the feel of his fangs dancing up along the side of your neck. and as time went on, you were craving for him to finally sink his teeth into you with just the right amount of pressure.

and with that, 2 holes punctured into you, leaving you a whimpering and mewling mess in levi's arms. levi groaned into you, eyes practically rolling back at your taste in disbelief. god he could be here with you forever, in every universe.

he made sure to keep his eyes on you, gauging any discomfort from your reactions, but from what he could see – you were thoroughly enjoying this just as he is. with your head completely thrown back in pleasure, the sight alone could make him faint right then and there, but he keeps it together.

as it all comes to an end, levi pulls away to relieve any sort of tension in your neck as he soothes the holes with a kiss and leaving no waste of what you had just offered to him.

nothing was said for some time, not that there needed to be anyway. panting and short breaths were the only thing that was coherent from your semi-dried lips. from this, levi knew you needed a few minutes to regain your composure.

slicking back your disheveled hair with a gentle caress of his hand, he smiles at you as if you were the purest gem in the world – you were his treasure.

pressing a kiss to your forehead, he asks quietly as to not suddenly startle you from your peaceful trance, "i wasn't too rough on you was i? does anything hurt?"

you shake your head, looking back at him with an expression that reassured him further. but what surprised him, was the fact that you were quick in continuing from where you two had left off.

the stamina of vampires. he should've known.

and soon, a reverse of cards had him melting like putty in your hands as your face crept up slowly from his chest to his ear.

"it's my turn now. you'll be good for me right levi?"

[cgogs]

Hiiii! Im binging Scream Eureka right now, and I am obsessed.

One of the first dynamics I found compelling when I entered the DSMP fandom was Sam and Dream. It’s fascinating to me: how Dream commissioned Sam to build the prison, how he trusted Sam to take care of him in the prison, how he relied on Sam for food, how Sam feared Dream but basically owned him. And with the Quackity torture that Sam willingly allowed? Chef’s kiss.

Sadly though, i couldn’t find anyone initially interested in the pairing, so I just went with other, more common dynamics (like c!drunz and c!dnf)

But as I was re-reading Oxeye Daisy again (I’m not sorry), i decided to check your backlog, only to discover you wrote a c!awesamdream fic.

I’m only on chapter three, but this has easily reached the same level of intensity of Oxeye Daisy, if not more. A story about a warden and a prisoner somehow falling in love, and it being somewhat heathy??? Not only to mention that they are married and expecting a kid??? Only you could manage to make such an insane plot turn into a beautiful story on forgiveness and moving on.

I already knew how well you wrote Dream from Oxeye Daisy, but it hit me all over again with this fic. The way you write his trauma always fascinated me: you somehow manage to capture the sheer horror and agony of the prison AND make it palpable for the audience to read. Often times I find gory scenes too surreal to capture the gravity of the situation, but reading the Quackity torture scenes chills me to my bones every single time.

Furthermore, the way you capture Dream’s paranoia and hysteria? Absolutely breathtaking. I know logically that Quackity isn’t there, that Dream isn’t wearing the jumpsuit, that Dream isn’t in that basement, but I still find myself doubting that because Dream is so sure of those hallucinations that I, the reader, almost believe it too. It’s just such damn impressive writing.

And Sam. God, Sam. It’s hard to write an abusers who’s changed. How do you justify the actions of the past? How do you make very good thing seem good when the shadows of the past still linger? It’s an extremely hard question to tackle, but you take that challenge with Sam in this fic. You show his hesitance toward the initial sexual arrangement. You show the love he has for Dream. You show how his duties as a Warden (keeping Dream alive) translate into his duty as his husband (keeping Dream happy). You don’t justify his actions, but you also don’t damn him for it. You humanize him. You make us want this relationship to work.

I still have many questions: is this the same universe as Oxeye Daisy, what was the turning point for Sam and Dream, how did they get to this town? But, I’ll guess I’ll just have to read.

Thank you, once again, for your words. I always treasure them.

Sincerely,

Reina

Long comments like this mwan everything to me where do i even begin

I know what you mesn when you talk about how their relationship makes uou feel because i felt much of the same. Wanting dream to be happy means kind of hoping for the best with the lot hes been given despite the horrific history. But theres always that looming realism that hes never really gonna get what he wants and what has has is, also, horrific. And then theres kind of rooting for sam whos changed but too little too late

Im glad that im.able to portray this through writing ive been nervous im not hitting the beats!

[heartsoulspiritelite]

Saw the barbie move last Friday IT WAS AMAZING🫶

Matt Jackson x Nick Jackson

I cringed so many times writing this. IM SO ASHAMED. But likee :) jk but brooooooo. Maybe im projecting or sum (NOT THE INCEST PART) im sorry about this, Ive read too many fics on ao3..., I know it aint a big deal but i had to take multiple break while writing this because i felt like the ghosts of my relatives were watching, man i had to take screaming breaks ;-; the writing is terrible but still. ENJOY:)

Warning- Smut, spanking- punishment, slight smut, Sibling Incest

No Summary

~

Close Brothers

"Nick leave me the eff alone" Matt said sharply while trying to avoid the other bucks eye contact

Matt's been acting weird ever since they got back to their hotel and nows they're trying to pack up peacefully but Matt's attitude isn't helping.

"Matt just tell me whats wrong, Why do you have to be so frustrating" Nick almost yells.

Matt freezes at this and looks at Nick with a slightly hurt expression and runs to the bathroom and locks himself him. Why wont he just tell him whats wrong? They tell each other everything. Did he do something wrong?

"Matty please.." He pleads while sitting outside the bathroom door

Hearing the pleading tone in his younger brothers voice made him feel a tad bit guilty so he unlocked the door but didn't open it and returned to his previous position .

Once Nick heard the door unlock he took that as his cue to walk in.

The sight he saw before him made his heartbreak. He saw matt curled up in a ball beside the toilet with stray tears running down his pretty face, looking up at him desperately with his boo boo eyes.

"Please tell me whats got you acting like this?" Nick asked him as gently as he could while bending down infront of his older brother.

"W-why did you let her touch you like that" He whispered

"Who" Nick asked genuinally confused

"The girl we ran into while going shopping Nick dont act stupid" He said not even looking Nick in the eye

"The worker? Matt she was just talking to us about the shoes, why does it bother you so much?" He says standing up a little annoyed

"Nick she was FLIRTING WITH YOU, IDIOT" Matt yelled getting even more upset wiping his tears

About 2 hours ago the bucks went shopping, When they were looking for new shoes one of the workers came up and totally started hitting on Nick but Nick is god damn oblivious he didn't even think about her carressing his arm or looking up at him fluttering her eyelashes but Matt did. Plus she didn't even glance at him, she was a bitch.

'Matt you're jealous" Nick stated coming to a conclusion

"Well no shit sherlock thanks for pointing out the obvious" matt replied

"Aww Matt you know im yours, you dont needa be jealous, Im sorry darling, i didn't realise she got that close" Nicks apolagizes before hugging him

He picks matt up from off the floor, brings him to bed, sits him down and stands infront of him

"But you're not going to get away with this attitude you've been pulling Matt, You've been acting like a little bitch ever since e got back. You dont trust me huh?" he says to him looking him straight in the eye, using his finger to lift his chin up

Nick knows what Matt really want, its obvious he knows his brother better than he knows himself and he can also tell because of dent in Matts pants. Of course he's going to give it to him, but not without a few punishments.

Matt freezes

"Nick i-" He tries

"Nuh uh that aint gonna fly here. Strip."

"Nick W-what?" He tries again

''What you want a audience or something? Taking your effing clothes of Matt" he orders him watching him closely

"Well i mean-" He laughs slighty before standing up to remove his shirt, then his pants, and underwears and puts them to the side then goes to stand infront of his brother and waits for his next order like a good boy would.

You'd probably imagine Matt being the top right? Well your so far from the truth. Matt loves the humiliation from the punishments, He loves being submissive. He loves letting Nick take control of him.

Nick sits down on armless chair in the middle of room after locking the hotel door and grabs Matts arms and pulls him over slowly

"Bend over." he orders

Matts wastes no time at all and bends over his brothers lap but not without putting on a little show, He makes sure  his ass is perked up and bends over slowly, teasing Nick, Nick swats his ass hard and pulls him over her lap, Making him stop his actions.

He runs his hand over Matts ass and squeezes it causing Matt to moan.

"You know the safe word right" He asks just to make sure

"Yes its 'Stop' Nick" He replies rolling his eye

Nick sees this and pinches him in the side

"Ow im sorry, red means stop, yellow means slow down and green means yes" He rushes out

He doesn't want Nick to stop. he want's to be crying mess in his lap. He wants the aftercare, he wants the pleasure.

Without any warning he slaps Matt's ass. Hard.

"Count. We're doing 15, you miss a number and we restart"

Matt nods

He feels Nick pinch again

"Use your words"

"Okay daddy"

He feels Nick's dick harden beneath him and giggles

His laughter is cut short when he feels another smack on his ass

"1" he gasps

"You little slut, you love this dont you" He teases him then gives him another smack on the ass"

"2, Y-yes daddy. ohh i love it so much" he moans

He tries to hump Nick's leg to get relief

"Nuh uh, you dont get to do that get" He stops Matts movements with another harsh smack on the ass, making his own hand hurt.

"3, Oh my god oww" he cries

Nick smirks and undoes his belt, and then grabs it out of his pants

"Oh my god Nick-" Matt says watching his brothers every movement, his stomach getting worried, but his dick getting harder by the second.

Smack

"4" Matt sobs

he wants to so badly rub his ass but he knows he'll get in trouble so he refrains himself and bites his hand.

"You little whore, you love getting manhandled and put in your place huh, you love getting spanked by your little brother" Nick says to man over his lap, smirking

Matt just keeps sobbing

"Color?" Nick asks gently

"Green Nick oh my god its green please dont stop"  He begs

He smacks Matts ass once again with belt then gives him a few seconds to breath

"5"

He puts the belt away and just spanks him 10 times fast.

spank spank spank spank spank

spank spank spank spank spank

"6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15" Matt cries

he takes heavy breaths and sobs until the sting goes away a bit, his dick is still hard as hell

All he feels is pleasure. He loves this.

Nick gently helps him up until matt is straddling his lap and places his head into the crook of his neck.

He bends down and grabs lotion to rub on Matt's bottom to soothe the pain.

Matt sighs at the sensation of Nick rubbing lotion on his ass.

"You okay love?" He whispers

"Yes, thank you" He whispers back

"You're welcome but we're not finished yet baby" Nick laughs slightly at Matt saying thank you

He lifts him up and carries him bridal style over to the bed and lays him down.

Matt hisses at pain of having his ass rub against the bed.

Nick removes his clothes and joins his naked brother on the bed and crawls overtop of him.

His kisses Matt and rubs his hands over his brother pecks making Matt moan loudly.

Matt grabs the back nick's neck and deepens the kiss until he feels Nick break the kiss and lower himself down until he's face to face with his older brothers dick.

He licks a stripe down his dick and slowly licks a circle around his tip causing Matt to arch his back.

"Oh fuck" he moans grabbing at younger brothers hair.

He feels Nick mouth around his cock and pushes his head down forceably until he feels nick gag and lets go to pull his head back up a bit.

"Nicky- f-feels so good" he yells

hearing all of the noises of pleasure he brings out of his brother made him cum right then and there all over the bed.

Nick bobs his head faster down Matt's cock feeling him come close to his release.

"Oh my- im about to" he cries before cuming down Nick's throat

Nick stays in place and swallows it all down before he brings his head back up and smiles at his brother.

They both breath heavily until their breaths even out.

Nick comes to lay beside his brother and pulls him close

"Wait do you need me to" He asks refering to Nick's cock

"No no im fine i kinda already did while.." he trails off making Matt laugh

"But look im so sorry about earlier i really didn't realise what was happening, i love you so much Matty" He whispers into Matt's ear while laying on top of him.

"Its okay, i love you too" His whispers into the brothers hair, running his hands through it.

~Cross-posted on wattpad & ao3~

[seriously-nobody]

I was gonna turn on anon but I decided against it, would it be okay if I actually asked you a question? Since I know you write reader insert fics yourself I thought you would maybe relate to what I’m feeling and if so I wanted to see how you deal with it. I absolutely love writing x reader fics, I get really attached to my favorite characters and I love pouring that love into writing form for myself and others to enjoy but sometimes I still feel embarrassed/ashamed/anxious about it and about how others might perceive it. I know there used to be a big stigma behind it and I got made fun of for it for a while and even now when I’ve gained enough confidence to start posting them to public places I still get a little worried that someone is sitting being the screen and thinking “wow this is cringe” especially because it’s most of the content I write and I don’t often write about ships or storylines like a lot of other people do. It’s a bit silly because so far most people have been nothing but nice to me but I still feel a little bit anxious about it especially as I keep writing more and more of them and wonder “oh man is this getting irritating for people”

I apologize for the slight vent, I just found it a little difficult to articulate the emotions in a more simple way. Have you ever felt like when you write fanfic? And if so what helps you kinda push through it and start accepting your writing more?

You don’t have to reply to this if you don’t want to or if it doesn’t really apply to you, and again I’m sorry for dumping a wall of text into your asks- I just got stuck in a little rut while writing my next chapter today and am having trouble getting out of it.

First off thank you so much for the question, I'm really glad u asked and were confident enough to send this without the anon on. Second I'm going to answer questions or comment on certain things as I read this, so here we go.

I don't really write for myself, I mostly write for the people who want to read it. I have a small audience but from the few people I have talked to, on here and from my ao3 page, they like it, so I write it for them.

The thing about the stigma is I still feel it. Not for x reader specifically but for fanfiction and fandom in general. But I just have kinda gotten used to it so I just kinda live in it now. I mean I keep my tumblr to myself and of course y'all on here, but that's it. I don't talk about my fics to people I don't trust not just because of the stigma but also because I write some batshit crazy stuff.

I'll tell you this, I don't think people r going to read something that they think they're not going to like. Especially if you label your works right the worst thing they're going to do is scroll away. (But if u do get a negative comment @ me and I'll find them :) ) Also I think my own work is cringe and I've just accepted that it is at this point so I'm kinda immune to someone telling me that I'm cringe or that what I do is cringe because I am and that's just how it be man. I am one with the cringe and the cringe is me. I've lived too long past my experation date to be worried about some default settings incel telling me my Haunted Mansion fanfiction or tumblr blog is cringe. Like uhm ya of course it's cringe? It's supposed to be?? (also it's my brand now that I'm the jester of cringe, thx to @spookyhollowart)

O dude, lemme tell u something, one shots r the best. You don't have to stick to a big storyline, relationship growth, or character arcs. Literally the best. I can't wait to do my one shots because most of them r short and I won't have to be looking back 6 chapters ago to what color some random ass dude was wearing or some bullshit like that, because I have to do now in my current fic.

Trust me the nice people scare me too. It's like WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY R U BEING NICE TO ME??? AND WHY DO YOU LIKE WHAT I WRITE?? (U scare me a lot too btw)

O god no! It's not irritating at all! Quite the opposite, I absolutely love ur stuff, especially ur latest one, Soul Ties. Seriously looking forward to the next chapter, I'm super invested in how the reader acts, I very much relate.

Plz don't apologize this was awesome to read through and answer/comment on.

Man that's a big question, uh Ig I can say that for a long time it felt like a joke to myself that I was writing fanfiction. I was writing it seriously but it didn't feel serious/real to me. I'll say this, I accept the storyline and that I came up with it, but I don't accept the way I'm write it. Because I beat myself up for typos, bad flow, not good enough dialog, not enough descriptors, too many descriptors, too short chapters when I have writers block, not good enough, that kinda stuff.

I'm honestly just glad to have someone else writing hm stuff because I love this fandom so much and I love reading other people's work. I hope you get out of ur rut soon. Take ur time, there's no rush, and don't stress on it.

[mejomonster]

I’m relieved to find out when i finish case 3 in silent reading the translation still has a part 4 AND extras ToT

like god i admire priest SO much. i think in many ways the writing choices in silent reading are SO ballsy. especially now that i know what publishers push toward regarding standard/norms look like all other novels don't deviate dont be brave or unique. like i know priest self published online THEN gets a print deal but like. to decide you as a public commented on author with a HUGE following where ppl buy your chapters? is gonna write THIS? 

its brave i think. its brave to trust an audience to read 77 chapters of truly fucked up crime story thats main point IS TO critique the world and justice and human nature. before you get into the romance danmei readers most wanted. to make readers both feel bad for and terrified of a little girl. to remind readers every poor immigrant with a bad life who dies is a TRAGEDY and a horrible loss that society has too much allowed. to remind readers that the justice system fails to bring many people closure or help. 

(babes below the cut turned into a MEGA meta on zhoudu and their completely different views on the world)

and THEN of course the LEADS priest decides to write arcs for in this. its ballsy to write a lead the other lead thinks might be capable of being a killer. to write a man objectively with as many red flags as. fei du as THE lead. like? think of 2ha and the people who hate mo ran too much to try it even just hearing of mo ran lol. fei du objectively in some ways is HARDER to empathize with and view as 'an ordinary relatable man'. mo ran when you take that hes been abused is mainly just a kid who wanted to help people typical xianxia hero style and gain power for revenge on REALLY cruel people in a really cruel Fucked up world he lives in thats painted as so much worse than our real earth world. 

fei du? well he outwardly is pretty so i guess like the strangers he meets people tolerate that. but the little we get of our past lets us know he killed animals with his hands (and again its as BRAVE a writing choice as the lead in kdrama Flower of Evil who’s raised by a serial killer and trained to be like him and unable to empathize with others and he fights so HARD to be a good person but he’s no one’s definition of a safe guy to trust - but somehow he met his wife and had a daughter and loves them so dearly and he IS and has always been a good man and good kid who went through awful stuff because people were afraid of his inability to emotionally connect and his abused background). Fei du is like HIM. Fei Du self harms to an intense degree, trying to curb impulses trained in him from a young age and a natural propensity mixed with a raising teaching him and Hammering into him that death is the only absolute to feel comfort in. He could’ve become a murderer, an abuser, in the sense of his father pushing him toward it and so many things could’ve affected it - like luo wenzhou simply being not there. Fei du is fighting before anything else, himself and his own fears about himself and who he is and who he even wants to be ultimately. Mo Ran gets cursed and becomes an evil emperor, and without that was a brute revenge okay-with man (and a black lotus trope so honestly more tolerable as a violent rage fest reading-norm wise). But fei du? is just an ordinary modern man working in an office who thinks it would be nice to choke someone and watch them break down hopeless. Who’s probably felt and thought everything su luozhan did (now i’m losing track... there’s things to be said for mo ran and his abuse making him cruel and lash out like fei du and su luozhan too...but moving on for now). fei du is a realistic ‘monster.’ or an almost one. he’s a man who if taken for all he is, much of society would want removed and taken away, or see as an inevitable evil of a rich man who can’t be stopped by most. he’s like Flower of Evil’s lead and the bad rich kid who lashed out and killed people, combined into one. 

priest makes him understandable, because priest is amazing at writing very good characters and depicting them and showing their nuances and evolution. and also because luo wenzhou loves him unconditionally. luo wenzhou chooses to love the hurting child, and in doing so comes to see fei du for all the multitudes of value he has as a person, for the treasure he is in ALL of himself with the bad and the good as a whole. (sort of like Flower of Evil main characters sister always loved him and saw him as her little brother needlessly hurt by the world, or the wife who eventually realized the man she loved was part of it and is real its just hes more than she knew before - luo wenzhou is both in one). and because luo wenzhou can see him, all of him, and love and appreciate all of it even EVEN when it horrifies him? even when he thinks and knows its beyond the scope of acceptable or normal, even when he’s hearing fei du lose himself in a viewpoint of the world that is so FAR from luo wenzhous ability to understand or view it. luo wenzhou STILL thinks - how do i reach out so we connect and meet halfway, even if i have to wade into that dark and try to understand, even if i have to explain the regular world like its fantastically rare and incomprehensible to him until he gets how other people like me feel. luo wenzhou thinks: no matter who he is, in fact with ALL of who he is, i’m going to go up to fei du and connect to him, we are going to eat and be okay, we are going to carve out a life together and feel whole and safe and connected there. and so for all fei du is, when we are given luo wenzhou’s fathomless endless care for him it’s impossible not to also open our hearts to fei du. to assume no matter how different he is from us or feels things, or how inhuman or whatever, he’s a an amazing individual and worthy of being understood and accepted into our care too. because luo wenzhou’s viewpoint is hard to fight. even if we think luo wenzhou were wrong, if we didn’t get sucked in, we can’t fight the fact luo wenzhou unconditionally feels this and it won’t change, it will drive the story. 

there’s the choice priest made, to make an ‘ordinary’ enough hero of a story (a policeman - legal official solving crimes - who is almost superhero like in his original desire to help people and bring justice, who still ignores wounds and tries to be Larger than Life and do More than the average man, trying to save even with his very real human faults of a nepotism parentage and a short temper in his youth and a naivety he had to lose). he’s old but not jaded, he’s realistic and skilled now but still driven to give out justice, still hurts in his heart when he can’t help someone enough. and it all kicks off with a kid named fei du, and luo wenzhou wanting to heroically bring him justice and closure and save him like Superhero savior of the Cosmos young luo wenzhou did... and failing. failing. failing and having the realization he WILL fail people, legal justice is sometimes impossible or has dead ends and horrible things happen with no resolution and no one saved, and still wanting to care about fei du, wanting to do his best to help him even when it will Never ever be enough. Fei du will NEVER be saved. can not be saved. the damage has already been done (and after the basement scene, luo wenzhou realizes even into adulthood, even once fei du’s dad was in a coma, luo wenzhou still couldn’t even protect fei du from Himself, yet another way luo wenzhou can never be that Cosmic Superhero, not even that local guardian to one single boy, he loves fei du unconditionally and that does NOT mean he’ll ever be enough to protect him or undo the damage). 

but luo wenzhou tries anyway. and its in that trying, that is so worth it. it’s not the outcome, its the act of trying, the ‘ceremony’ and how it means he cares. how it means he views fei du as worthy of it (and he really views by extension so MANY worthy of it who he also can or can’t help to varying degrees, and it rubbed off on fei du, because now hes the kind of man who also finds it awful a poor young man named He zhongyi dies and is willing to go to any lengths to try and get justice for him, for any particular person). Anyway, the point is luo wenzhou is an understandable hero typical of his story type. His heroics are the super-detectives who want to save everyone, his failings are the cops like Lee Dong Sik in Beyond Evil who take their small tasks seriously and are aware they may never save their world or Do Enough and justice can fail but they’re still making Their Choices every day, their baggage and damage and aged lessons coming along. He is an ordinary enough choice for a lead. His most remarkable trait in my mind, that makes him stand out, is his decision once upon a time to care about fei du unconditionally. its a choice a parent makes when they adopt, a bodyguard makes in a fantasy tale when they decide to dedicate their life to their ruler, in a realism grounded story like Silent Reading real life red flags just usually keep such a decision from being made.

Take Flower of Evil - its normal for the wife to be suspicious her husband is a killer and investigate it before ultimately picking his side. Take Beyond Evil - Juwon is younger and has fucked up, but Lee Dong Sik makes fucked decisions he doesn’t expect of the younger, makes the choice to cross lines he feels the younger shouldn’t and maybe no one should but he’s too far gone to quit his path now. Luo Wenzhou sees fei du, the teenager, making death threats and you can’t abandon your own kid. But it’s not his kid, its a stranger like su luozhan who’s killed something, lashing out and feeling unlike other humans and without any real parent who gave them unconditional love (maybe fei du had his mom once a week when she was alive but with health issues and spousal issues and dad’s nonstop threat of a presence on them, fei du was not getting that secure unconditional love environment). its a stranger completely, and luo wenzhou just decides to love him anyway. 

So why’s he a brave writing choice? to use a character like luo wenzhou who does decide to love someone like that unconditionally. before the romance even starts. he’s not fei du’s family, he’s not fei du’s mentor until he Chooses to be, he’s not fei du’s lover when he makes the decision or long time spouse (like in Flower of Evil), he’s not a man who’s got enough shared experiences to understand fei du’s perspective (in fact it terrifies luo wenzhou the gulf there is between each other’s experience and view of the world). but luo wenzhou, the man that he is, chooses to love fei du unconditionally. 

it makes sense for his character of course, because priest is good at writing characters. while luo wenzhou fits the relative norm for his genre, it also makes sense his particular life leads him to a choice i rarely see in these stories. He’s an idealistic naive rash ‘hero’ rookie cop. He sees a child cope with the death of his mom and his world shatter, look at him with an intense resolve that BEGS Luo Wenzhou to BE the hero that can give fei du justice. Luo Wenzhou, the rookie who think himself Hero of the Galaxy, has been dealing with petty crime and this is one of (or possibly the FIRST) time anyone has given him the responsibility and Ability to attempt to serve justice on this scale. This is his first opportunity to SOLVE a possible murder, GIVE someone closure, and truly change their life on such a scale. Of course heroic-dreaming Luo Wenzhou, thinking himself important and inhumanly capable of anything to help someone, takes up that look fei du gives him and decides “then I will give you the justice you need. I will resolve this for you.” A character like him? what other choice would he make.

And fei du is both the first time the world gives him the chance to be the Big Hero Savior he wanted to be, and the reality check that he can NOT be that Hero. That such a heroic feat is impossible, is unreasonable, is not something anyone will be able to live up to forever without fail - especially him, who turns out is lacking much of what he needs to succeed. But even if he had ALL the tools to succeed: even if Luo Wenzhou had ALREADY been a Captain, with rich influential and politically powerful allies, and had been able to legally adopt fei du and take actual political action against fei du’s dad? Even if he HAD all that, luo wenzhou would not have been able to save fei du - from the pain of his childhood, from the loss of his mom, the mystery was too hard to be solved at the time (or luo wenzhou of stubbornness i believe would’ve found a way to solve it), or from fei du’s own self hatred and self harm (just given how privately fei du keeps part of himself - he kept so much from luo wenzhou and probably always would’ve). 

So even with everything, Luo Wenzhou would’ve failed. And at least failing then, as a rookie, he learned he WASN’T superman, he wasn’t infailable and Enough to save people inherently, and took the experience that he’d have to WORK and struggle and fight every single TIME to truly try and save people with him as he was promoted and gained power. That failure made him a better savior for future victims he’d help: because he’d be self aware that failure was possible, and helping others was going to be a struggle and require All his dedication every time, and is never a guarantee. 

Luo Wenzhou picking fei du changed their lives. He failed fei du (and always would have) and in doing so it made him a better person to help people moving forward. and in the moment he chose to try and save fei du, an impossible thing with no Real Guarantee (as Luo Wenzhou would learn later and not ever promise so freely with certainty again), fei du DID see him as a savior. As a hope. As the first guardian angel in his life, the first belief that ANYONE outside of himself could help him. Could fix anything in his life - could explain why his mom who loved him would choose to leave him, could explain if it was his own fault for not loving her ‘enough’ or being too monstrous or if it was someone else’s fault, who could take his father to justice for the awful things he’d done when to fei du his father was the god of his world able to kill and do anything and make fei du do Anything no matter how awful. For the first time, fei du truly had a hope in something able to HELP him. And Luo Wenzhou failed. And fei du experienced both a temporary believe in the kind of “justice is served to the evil, help is provided to the innocent” that children usually simplistically learn at first but he never did (because his father didn’t teach him that but that the predators do what they want). and then experienced a cold harsh horrible shock that it WAS a lie, that the person telling him to believe it - luo wenzhou - was wrong. that fei du’s view of the world was “correct” and the false hero he’d believed in, luo wenzhou, was a fool who believed falsehoods and couldn’t do anything real. that no one Could help fei du. 

and yet. despite all that. despite that failure shaping them both. it also tied them together. for all luo wenzhou failed, he still decided Inexplicably to be responsible for it. Instead of taking the loss, he went on to keep helping fei du. Caring. With Tao Ran as a contrast, its clear how excessive those actions were compared to the norm. Luo Wenzhou dragged Tao Ran into helping him take Fei Du after school, so fei du was rarely left alone in an empty house, into taking him out for food so he’d eat when the help at his house didn’t cook, these are all the acts of a godfather or a makeshift caretaker. They’re more than a responsible police officer should’ve ever gotten involved in a victim’s life - the most luo wenzhou should’ve appropriately done, was maybe call child services and insist and fight that no matter ‘how rich older master fei was’ the child still was in an enviornment that needs either an after school program for some socialization and social support, or a caretaker to move in, or if at all possible to get to live with a different guardian. But Luo wenzhou, knowing what’s appropriate, couldn’t abandon that ‘idealic heroic’ persona he learned failed and was unrealistic, still trying adamantly to be it for fei du. Even failure after failure. He would’ve adopted fei du probably, possibly, if the person he’d been fighting for custody against hadn’t been so filthy rich he’d have never had a chance. (never mind the legal issues im sure would keep him from getting custody, but the intent was there). He took fei du in as much as possible for their circumstances, then expanded that to full on parenting. To checking fei du’s report cards, to making sure he ate right, to checking on his healthcare, to commenting on his dating life as he grew up into a playboy partier, to insisting he pick a career, to worrying how he adjusted when his dad died and he had to take the business, to giving him gifts for birthdays and just cause (both secretly and also full on remembering his birthday when others didn’t), to the simpleness of scolding fei du like a regular teen caught cursing when he’d threaten violent, the simpleness of taking the Extreme-ness of fei du’s worse personality moments and simply saying ‘well whatever fucked up stuff you did or want to do, come sit down and have dinner, come on and join me.’ i care about you. lets eat. i accept you into our little family of two no matter what, and every meal is a ceremony reminding you this is permanent and secure and always here for you. 

luo wenzhou can’t save fei du as a child, can’t save him as an adult from himsel, can’t save him throughout of a great many deal awful things. but he can give him a safe stable eternal home in the both of them, that is always ALWAYS there. always opening it’s doors, always mobile and coming to fei du when he feels isolated and abandoned and like he doesn’t even belong to the same world, it exists everywhere. it’s his. its a thing he never had before luo wenzhou. but it exists now. and it is THAT which luo wenzhou can provide. 

He can’t save fei du from the many horrors of the world, from the monsters within himself. But he can give fei du a home that exists no matter what horrors exist or happen, a home that fei du will always belong IN no matter how monstrous he is, no matter what he’s done or what happens. 

Maybe once upon a time the end of the week with his mom, had been the closest fei du had to that kind of ‘home.’ Some safe place where he was loved even with everything different about him, with the fucked up views his dad pressed on him, with the way he felt different from others and uncomprehending of the world. His mom, fleetingly, would be there with the house made ready for him, would be happy to see him and simply be with him. 

Luo Wenzhou carved out a home for him after that, when he lost that, and made it permanent. It exists nonstop, always, whenever fei du is with luo wenzhou. waiting for fei du when they’re apart, always open for him to return. 

wow i got distracted in zhoudu dynamic stuff lol. back to whatever the point was... priest writing brave. so. while i love all of zhoudu’s very grey area roles filled up and overlapping dynamic. i think the above portion explains well WHY it makes sense for them. Why their dynamic makes sense it would happen, from luo wenzhou’s perspective. why luo wenzhou would choose to do it, and how it would end with him and fei du connecting deeply. 

Because that’s the kind of man luo wenzhou is and that’s where he was in his life, in the perfect place to make 1 single heroic Ideal decision and fail, but still feel too attached to actually quit and cut his losses. He could never cut the loss that was ‘failing fei du.’ he had to keep providing the only consolation he could, a home for fei du, even if he could provide nothing more. To Luo Wenzhou he will always be Fei Du’s very mortal and flawed Guardian Angel who couldn’t move heaven to save him or help him, but still took the job as his life’s work. And to Fei Du he will always be that very mortal Guardian Angel who lied that he was Strong enough when he wasn’t, when angels don’t exist and he was just a man, when justice doesn’t exist only this lying flawed incapable Luo Wenzhou trying to act like there is still justice. But to Fei Du, flaws and all, it’s still his Guardian Angel despite it all. In his world there are no angels, no true heroes. But this person is trying to be one, in Fei Du’s fucked up world where none exist, anyway. Luo Wenzhou is still trying to be one for him. And that’s worth something because it has MEANING, the choice to try to be an angel in a world with NONE means something, its the effort that counts. It’s the ceremony of doing it, the act, that means everything. (As luo wenzhou’s final lines in i think chapter ~79 hammer home).

Their dynamic makes sense, for them. Of course it’s where they’d end up, how they’d develop. How they’d get so enmeshed and close and Bigger Than People to each other (both symbolic Roles to each other while being gravely aware their symbol is actually just a flawed human who will never live up to it). To Fei Du, Luo Wenzhou will always be a Guardian Angel and that IS just a weak human who will fail the job. To Luo Wenzhou, Fei Du will always be his charge to Save, even though saving him is impossible, even though he’s failed for 7 years, even though fei du will never let him and both of them are More Than Aware this mission is impossible. Luo Wenzhou knows fei du is not a charge, was never one - or only one for the first time until Luo Wenzhou first failed. 

Fei Du is a grown man who has done bad things, horrible things to himself, who views the world so differently from Luo Wenzhou his morality might not even be able to compare with his, who is a man he can’t fully understand but tries to reach out any try to anyway. Every single time. What a brave choice. To be commited to unconditionally loving someone and trying to understand them, even painfully knowing you never will. We may truly never be able to understand another person completely. But in these two’s case, they truly have such different internal worlds, it is a painful point for them both that they really never will exist in the other’s world and grasp it fully. 

Fei Du is brave too. He knows Luo Wenzhou is an ordinary man, who belongs to the world most people understand and accept as reality. He knows he’ll never understand Luo Wenzhou, will always see some of Luo Wenzhou’s beliefs as lies or falsehoods most people seem to believe or assume or operate based on that Fei Du will never ever understand or connect to or operate under unless he tries very hard to force himself to act unnaturally. In a way, it is like an Angel loving a Demon. In reality they both realize they’re not an angel and devil - Luo Wenzhou realizes he’s painfully human and incapable, Fei Du doesn’t see himself as a demon he just thinks all humans are truly this way or walking-corpses unaware of it and Luo Wenzhou is another deluded soul lying to himself or simply way too uncomprehending to ever see the ‘truth’ of the world the way Fei Du is Only capable of seeing it. But Fei Du sees his own awareness as monstrous, in that it makes him a monster to those ordinary people and their entire world framework. And yet to Luo Wenzhou, he’s not a monster for it, just another flawed imperfect person like Luo Wenzhou is. They put themselves into the Roles of Angel and Demon, while knowing its partly untrue but unable to stop living that way when it comes to each other. Fei Du can’t help seeing Luo Wenzhou as an angel, in the warped way he’d view one in his world - a deluded hero who’s incapable, but still the closest thing to any angel in Fei Du’s world could exist. Fei Du can’t help seeing himself as a Demon, even though it’s normal to him he can’t shake the awareness its how he’d be in Luo Wenzhou (ordinary people’s) framework of the world. And then they meet in the middle somehow. And somehow even existing in different realities cause they perceive the world SO differently, Fei Du somehow catches a glimpse of himself in Luo Wenzhou’s worldviews: an innocent. An ordinary man. Not a demon, not even different from others. But someone who could and DOES exist in Luo Wenzhou’s world where people who are hurt deserve justice and people attempt to give them it, where cruelty is not the norm and not comprehensible to the masses. Fei Du isn’t compatible with that world - he’s not comprehensible to them. But somehow Luo Wenzhou can look at him, and place fei du into that world. And for the moment they’re together Fei Du EXISTS in both worlds. Is brought into the world outside his, that he can’t be part of or relate to or understand, and see as if he’s like Luo Wenzhou almost. And he wants to be one of the people providing justice to those who are harmed, one of the people who views cruelty outside of the norm and combats it. Could he do this, view things this way, if Luo Wenzhou didn’t connect their worlds by being connected to Fei Du?

And in contrast, in Fei Du’s world the cruelty is the norm, there is no one innocent only those harmed and those self aware enough they also cause it. There is no justice, only an attempt of power and control until the inevitable death. People like Luo Wenzhou cannot exist. In Fei Du’s mind, people like Luo Wenzhou can at most only be struggling helplessly against nature, hurting themselves by prodding other violent people, giving no justice because there’s no way to give it, just struggling to fight for an outcome that is impossible to provide. But because its Luo Wenzhou, Fei Du’s worldview shifts to accomodate him: Luo Wenzhou is a pathetic man fighting for an outcome that can never occur... but he keeps trying anyway. And because he’s Fei Du’s personal angel, even though angels can’t exist here in fei du’s view of the world? Fei Du almost wants to believe maybe there’s worthiness in someone trying anyway. To be like an angel. To do what nothing in his world does, want what can’t be achieved in his view of the world. And that’s where their worlds connect. Where Fei Du’s world connects to Luo Wenzhou’s and lets a sliver of Luo Wenzhou into his as something Possible. And is that why Fei Du wades into the water of doing work like Luo Wenzhou? Is that why he cares when a son dies and leaves a mom behind. In his world to care is illogical and pointless and has no use. But Luo Wenzhou IS in Fei Du’s world, and he cares. So Fei Du feels like... maybe he’ll care too, even if it is useless. He’ll let himself care still, like Luo Wenzhou cares. 

There is use in the ACT of caring. Even if it changes nothing. There is worth in the act of caring, even if it fails to save anyone or stop harm. Is that one of the themes of Silent Reading I wonder... its certainly a theme of these two’s relationship.

It’s the point of Luo Wenzhou trying to explain to Fei Du what their connection is. It’s the connection of their worlds - Luo Wenzhou in our usually normally accepted one, and Fei Du in his hopeless one. It’s also the connecting point of their personalities - through knowing each other they’ve both developed a level of caring. Caring despite finding it cannot save, cannot stop the awful things that have happened and will later. 

And so we get to a point where Fei Du cares about Luo Wenzhou, even though Wenzhou failed him and still does. Even though Luo Wenzhou will never fully understand him or the world he exists in. 

I never realized just how wholly separate their concepts of the worlds they exist in were till I wrote this damn. 

>>I keep losing the point in zhoudu meta lmao. Anyway back to priest. What I am impressed by (among many things), is priest writes that kind of dynamic as mentioned above. The ‘normal ordinary hero’ type Luo Wenzhou who can never connect to the kind of person/world Fei Du exists in, and vice versa. But somehow they meet halfway and see through the keyhole of the other person’s world anyway. Take one step in, while still being unable to enter the other’s world and abandon their own. It’s impossible. But it is. Because they choose to do it, no matter how impossible it is. 

And its this relationship that outside on paper on some novel summary is the tags idk older/younger, rich/gruff, cruel/heroic whatever. When I walked in once upon a time, with the impression from a tagged summary it was going to be a cold genuis with a fascination for analysing cruelty, and a heroic gruff type combatting him and helping him ‘grow a heart’ I did not expect this kind of deep relationship dynamic i actually got. I didn’t expect a relationship that’s part caretaker/child, part opponents striving to fight yet it’s to connect their irreconcilable worlds, part lovers who were already closer than usual lovers before the romance even enters the picture. I didn’t expect 7 years of failing each other, but still being unconditional care there. Fei Du is not just a ‘cold genius’ he’s given the traits of a man from a world where he sees himself as the ordinary monster of it, and he will never ‘grow a heart’ and come to see the world like Luo Wenzhou (I’m 70% through the novel but i don’t think he will). And Luo Wenzhou for all his physical actions is not a gruff man with a ‘warm heart’ a la some sweetie pie emotional warm hero. He was an idealistic idiot who got a reality shock he wasn’t Superman, who grew into a realist. He is a guardian angel who is not actually an angel and KNOWS he isn’t but can’t stop himself from trying to be for Fei Du, the first and only time he tried to be one, refusing to quit this mission even though it’s been lost a million times and it’s painful for both of them for him to keep pretending he’s an angel instead of a man. Luo Wenzhou’s warm emotional ‘hopes and ideals’ don’t touch Fei Du and ‘change him’ (although Fei Du trying to understand Luo Wenzhou’s pov at least does open him up to witnessing Tao Ran’s idealism and kindness even though he finds it naive). 

While their failures with each other certainly change them, they don’t actually change the core of each other - they are permanently too distinctly different people who see the world in an incompatibly different way. Growing up with Luo Wenzhou certainly influenced Fei Du’s behaviors, and gave him a peek into seeing the world differently, but he still ultimately exists mainly in his own world. Even with shared experiences together now, working together, it’s not shifting Luo Wenzhou into a person who sees the world as inherently cruel and monstrous like Fei Du, and its not shifting Fei Du into seeing justice as natural and possible. In some couple stories the worldviews would gradually mesh as the shared experiences grew - but no, not with these two. 

The beauty of their relationship is they Will exist in their separate worlds, their incompatible worldviews and interpretations of it. But they still connect. They still carved out this space of a home together, that exists in both worlds. That has a window to each other’s worlds where they ask the other to explain what that unimaginable window’s view means, how the hell the other person is interpreting it because they don’t see it the same way. This shared home, that lets them concieve of a world where the other person can and DOES exist in their world. Fei Du sees himself as a monster in a world where it’s natural, and where angels don’t exist let alone just heroes - but Luo Wenzhou is in his world. Impossibly. He’s there, he’s part of it, he’s relentless, and he always will be. In Luo Wenzhou’s world, Fei Du exists and is just as inevitably part of it as Luo Wenzhou is. Even though Fei Du can’t conceive of existing in Luo Wenzhou’s kind of world - luo wenzhou sees Fei Du WITH him there, dragging him in by refusing to accept that Fei Du couldn’t be there. 

Fei Du’s heart (in my prediction anyway lol) is not going to grow 3 sizes and decide justice is possible, is expected, and he’s an ordinary person who thinks like the others and feels wronged when he’s not given help and doesn’t instinctively think cold things. But Fei Du’s heart, despite himself and knowing Luo Wenzhou lied about being an angel in Fei Du’s world where none exists and failing him, holds a permanent space for Luo Wenzhou. A permanent part of him lets itself open the window to what Luo Wenzhou sees, and even though Fei Du simply can’t understand it, he lets the wind come in. Lets the idea drift through his own world: that for all justice is impossible, try to fight to do justice anyway. Try to conceive that people deserve it anyway, even if there is no way they do. Just humor the idea. Try anyway. It’s okay to try, even if the result will fail. Luo Wenzhou tries anyway, so you Fei Du can indulge in trying too despite it all. Fei Du’s heart has Luo Wenzhou in it, broken through the window and bringing the breeze, residing warmly in it and bringing all the ‘idealistic-fictional’ warmth from the world ‘other ordinary society thinks’ and decorates. Brings warm cooked noodles, shrimp, sweet candy so sweet its better than Fei Du’s world but here IT IS. Brings hope and determination and belief that doesn’t exist in Fei Du’s world, but here it is, in residence in his heart, with good smells that make him hungry, that taste like nothing that’s supposed to exist. And Fei Du thinks: its a lie, it can’t exist, it can’t be this good, it can’t be permanent... it must be an illusion or something that will crumble later. But its Luo Wenzhou... so Fei Du tries indulging the temporary goodness anyway, even if it WILL crumble. Like how Luo Wenzhou will still fail. Even so, even though this is nicer than any dinner in his world with his mom and dad had been, so much nicer he believes it impossible and a lie and just as hard to rely on as trying to grab the wind. He’ll still sit down and accept it for the experience it is. Because Luo Wenzhou brought it and said it was their home. And even if it makes no sense, somehow in their shared point of connection - this place where their worlds can almost overlap? It’s worth it to try. It’s the act of trying that’s important, not the outcome later. Not what’s possible or impossible. But that here, they can coexist somehow. That they tried very hard to carve out this home right here. They can be brave enough to believe the other sometimes about their other worlds, even if they can never move into the other’s. Try to go on faith on the other person, and try out the other person’s way of living in their very different world, even though it makes no sense. 

It’s a love story about yes, being seen as all of who you are and still loved unconditionally (something often appealing in fiction romance). But also like. Its this heavy reality of No, actually, you will NOT ever be seen completely and understood completely by another person. We are not Fei Du and we are not usually seeing the world and it’s ‘laws’ as so drastically different as him. But like him, when we meet people even as close as we may become, as much as we share, another person will truly never see and feel exactly as we do. Words are imperfect, people’s past experiences and personalities are all different, people can’t read your mind and see your history and feel your emotions. There is no perfect fullproof way to get someone to truly understand you completely. And that’s okay. You can be loved, you can connect, even when that’s true. There is worth in making connections, even if we will ever only be understood imperfectly, only partly be able to view the world or something the same way. Even if someone can’t understand why X is that way about you or why you can’t believe Y the same way they do (even when you try your best to). There is space in all of us to find a way to still love whole heartedly, to choose to Try to understand. There is power in choosing to try, and keep choosing to, even though it’s an impossible endeavor to ever fully accomplish. Like Luo Wenzhou, we choose anyway. Like Fei Du, we realize there’s worth in just the act of trying. Even if we are never fully seen, can never fully grasp the other, there’s care there. The care builds a space for us to connect. A space for us to feel close enough, safe and loved. 

[white-weasel]

Saw Saturday has come yet again, this time we watched Saw VI:

First off, this movie was so aggressively 2008-2009 in its theme I was FLOORED. Of course there were the predatory lenders, loaning out money to those they knew couldn’t pay it back (direct reference to the housing crash in 2007/2008) and then I got hit with the words “preexisting condition” and literally went “oh fuck the affordable care act doesn’t exist yet.” So definitely was interesting to get a blast from the past with social commentary that was very much based on popular public discourse at the time (not saying predatory lending and American health insurance aren’t also issues now just… a different kind of issue/focus)

I cannot believe that Strahm’s hand survived that entire crushing room so in tact. Then again I did not watch Strahm’s actual death at all because I’m too much of a baby about broken bones, but just seeing the rest of the corpse… man Hoffman got pretty lucky with that one

Perez didn’t die in 4/5 I fucking called it!!! Like I said, if I don’t see your body idc, you’re alive in my book

Still, I’m surprised that they revealed that bit of information to Hoffman. I guess at that point they were running off the assumption Strahm was Jigsaw’s accomplice and thus Hoffman would be a trusted ally in the investigation but man

Speaking of, Hoffman was sooooo sus this entire movie it was almost comical. I mean, it’s probably just because you as an audience member know Hoffman’s whole deal but still

Another Saw trap gauntlet! I think it’s interesting that as the movies moved more towards focusing on John Kramer and his crew as the main characters, rather than those in the trap, the traps have turned into multiple tests rather than just one. It makes sense from a story telling perspective though because that way they don’t have to explain multiple people’s deals why they’re in these traps and can instead just focus on one

With that, I think this was my favorite of the trap gauntlets yet! Actual tough decisions for William and I feel like it mixed the moral choices being put forward by 3 about saving people, while also making the decisions tougher/have more consequences like 5. I really liked the maze where in order to let her pass through he had to redirect the steam and burn himself and the shotgun carousel trap where he had to impale his hands in order to save just a fraction of those on it.

I was staring at the teen boy with his mom who have been put in that cage room with the acid and was like “He looks familiar but idk where I’ve seen him before” a few scenes later my friend just blurts out “oh my god that’s Rodrick from Diary of a Wimpy Kid” and we literally had to pause to take in that information

Once again though, not sure how I feel about more John Kramer lore being added, but this at least didn’t stand out to me as being Too Much yknow. It makes sense that there was a slimy insurance guy who screwed over thousands of sick people and also did it to John, who was a close friend. Didn’t break anything pre established too much

Idk if this was intentional but the whole thing about the knives used to cut the jigsaw pieces out being different for Hoffman vs John felt like it was kinda a reference back to John telling Hoffman that the blade on his pendulum was inferior. If Hoffman had just followed John’s lead and used a surgical precision knife, the right tool for the job, to cut up that latest victim, the discrepancy wouldn’t have been raised and they probably wouldn’t have even thought about re-examining the Seth Baxter tape

The scene in the audio technician lab? So good. Once again Hoffman is being so so sus but also he’s cornered. I do have to question the logic of letting Hoffman hear the actual incriminating evidence when it’s pretty obvious they suspected him at this point, but it led to an iconic moment so I will take it

Rip Perez for real this time :( genuinely did like her from what we saw from her and I desperately wanted her to own Hoffman’s ass

Did NOT expect Hoffman to have basically blackmailed Amanda into killing Lynn (and thereby killing herself) back in 3, but now that I think about it it makes sooo much sense. It never 100% clicked with me why Amanda did that with how I read her character, but knowing that she was making the choice between her father figure/mentor/person who’s approval she wanted most in the world hating her or killing Lynn, things have fallen into place better

Jill was MUCH more involved with the Jigsaw operation than I had previously thought. It was basically like a fucking murder family up in there lmaoooo

Hoffman in the reverse bear trap was unexpected!! And the fact he beat what was supposed to be an unbeatable trap for him??? Actually a little bit insane. (He and Strahm both surviving “unwinnable” traps? They’re perfect for each other) I cannot wait to see what Jill’s reaction is gonna be when he eventually shows up and is like “I lived, bitch”

We’re reaching the point where my friend doesn’t remember what happens in the series (she watched some of the movies year ago) She said she very clearly remembered 1-3, would remember things as they came up in 4, and now only remembers stuff from Jigsaw since she saw that one in theaters. However, she loves hearing me ramble about my theories and then likes to look things up about the movies so she can know ahead of time if I’m right or not lmao

In her words “See, I knew you would like these movies, not because of like the traps or the gore or anything, but because of the crazy shit that happens in the plot. It’s fun seeing you go crazy about the twists and then spiral until we watch the next one.” And she’s absolutely 100% right

[askmirageandmacabre]

Well, allow me to introduce my best friend, Ermina! We go way back, and really, our circumstances for meeting were pretty weird.

While I was getting myself psyched up for a tournament, I saw this small group of Celestials a distance away. They all had an aura of regalness, so I was confused by the fact that they were there. Most of my experience with Celestials like that were of the “we’re too good to be around you meatheads,” but here they were. I guessed they were just a niche group who liked to watch the fights. Most were even already drinking wine, which I thought was something you’d save for after a victory, but hey, whatever gets someone relaxed, since us Celestials can’t get drunk, anyway.

Back to my main point, most of their attention was centered on an ermine among them. I didn’t pay much mind, as the tourney was about to begin. To my surprise, my first match was against this ermine! Definitely not what I expected, even less so when she came out still drinking a glass. She definitely looked out of place, something even the audience felt, judging by the murmurs I could make out. Still, one of my earliest combat lessons was to never let your guard down around an opponent, no matter how strange they come across, so I got in my battle stance.

And it turned out this was a wise move on my part.

As soon as the bell rang, the ermine tossed aside her glass and seemed to take on a much more feral stance before rushing me. If I hadn’t steeled myself, it definitely wouldn’t have gone well. She had an animalistic style, yet each strike felt calculated. Not only did she rely on slashes and body checks, she even tried bites.

It definitely wasn’t easy, but I was able to get an advantage over her, finally landing solid strikes. I ended up winning the match, and despite losing, the ermine didn’t seem to mind, bidding me good luck as she went to her own recuperating room.

After the tournament (managed to make it to the quarter finals, mind you), I decided to catch up with the ermine. We talked, and she introduced herself as Ermina (I’ve heard less creative names…). Turns out that despite being some high-society Celestial, she did enjoy some of the more out-there hobbies, combat among them. I asked if I could train with her, since I always look forward to learning of or even implementing new techniques into my own style.

We ended up teaching each other a lot, and over time, we just got really close. At this point, I think of her like a sister.

Another thing about Ermina is that as I guessed, she is definitely someone who loves her drinks. Never was a fan, personally, but hey, we like what we like. Still, I have to question why you’d think to try explicitly poisoned wine, regardless of our immortality. What was surprising was that it turned out that she’s not the biggest fans of the various wine gods out there, apparently they’re a bit too rambunctious for her preferences.

Then there was the fact that Ermina spent as much time as she could studying Infernals. She told me she was just fascinated by them and wanted to learn as much as she could. Which was weird considering that she didn’t seem the type to chose an active domain to fight against them. Still, things really peaked for her when we learned that Macabre was an Infernal. It took her a bit to remember to not treat Macabre like a specimen, but things are fine now.

Whenever things come up that end up involving me, and trust me, that’s been a growing issue due to Macabre’s past as an Infernal noble, Ermina doesn’t hesitate to help. If I had a life to lose, I would definitely trust her with it.

[handsomelyhiddleston]

Sticky Notes - Tom Hiddleston x Reader

It all started on the set of Ragnarok. They hadn’t even started filming yet. Table reads, choreography, costume fittings, set development…The cast, crew, and even Taika started finding little notes.

Some were specifically to certain people…

“Your laugh is contagious. Thank you for making this set so down to earth and inviting.” You slipped that into Taika’s (the director’s) fanny pack when he left it on his director’s chair.

“I know how hard you’ve been working on your fight choreography, and I just wanted to let you know you absolutely killed it today!” You left that stuck to Tessa’s (Valkyrie’s) water bottle.  

Some you posted for everyone, like “I know that you all put such amazing effort and time into bringing this movie to life and I just want you all to know that it doesn’t go unnoticed.” That note was posted above a table full of ‘easy to grab’ snacks you laid out such as protein bars, fruit snacks, pretzels, and dried fruit.

This continued well into filming. Everyone had tried to figure out who was leaving these little daily encouragements. It got to the point that Taika started calling you Casper, as in “Casper the Friendly Ghost.” Every day at the start of filming he would say. “Come on guys. Let’s make Casper proud.”

Everyone had a theory. Most thought that it was actually Taika just trying to keep morale up. Taika accused Tom but took it back after some comment about the notes not sounding very British.

Your job on set was to cast extras. While you were present daily, you honestly only had to meet with Taika once or twice a day to make sure the next day’s cast extras were ready. You two fell into an easy rhythm working together and he started asking for your opinion on some other aspects of the set. One late afternoon, after an incredibly chaotic day of filming, Taika decided that he was going to scrap the entire scene and start it over.

He pulled out his phone and sent a text to you, Tom, and Chris. “Today can suck it. I’ve just watched the dailies, and something just isn’t right about that scene. Meet at mine in 30 so we can get ahead of it.” A few seconds later he added, “And for the love of God, someone bring some tequila.”

You laughed at his text, jogging to the trailer you shared with the other casting director. You changed into a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt and grabbed your keys and wallet. You jumped in your car so you could make a quick trip to the Starbucks down the street since it appeared it was going to be a long night.

“One Venti iced coffee with milk and 1 sugar, one Grande Americano hot with cream and 2 sugars, one Venti hot latte with vanilla, and one Venti hot water with two earl gray tea bags and four sugars on the side. Can I also get one of the small kid’s milk boxes?” You heard the barista repeat your order back and pulled forward and paid.

When you got to Taika’s trailer, Tom and Chris were already there.

“Oh, bless you” Taika thanked you, taking the Latte from you.

“You’re the best” Chris said, taking the lid off of the Americano so it would cool off a bit.  

“Tom, I grabbed you tea.” You handed him the hot water and two tea bags, setting the sugars and milk next to him so he could make it to his liking.

“You’re too kind” Tom graciously took the hot water from you, noting that you grabbed his favorite kind of tea.

In Taika’s trailer there was a table with a bench on each side. Chris and Tom were sat on one side, leaving a space for you to sit next to Taika.

“Anyone grab the tequila?” you laughed, dropping your keys and wallet on Taika’s counter and sitting at the table with your iced coffee.

Taika grabbed the bottle and sat it down in front of you. “You’re already two swigs behind, love.”

“Bullshit” you laughed. “Prove it. Where are the shot glasses?”

“I said swigs, not shots” Taika smirked. “We don’t have shot glasses.”

“Look at how much is missing from that bottle. I just bought it.” Hemsworth backed Taika up.

You looked at Tom, knowing he would be honest with you.

“Hey, you trust Tom more than me?” Taika pretended to be offended.

“Tom always looks out for everybody. I don’t think he’d let me get two shots drunker than you fools.” You teased Taika, poking his side and sticking your tongue out at him.

“Watch” Taika said, putting his arm around your shoulders and looking towards Tom. “How many swigs did we all take?”

Tom laughed, “I’m sorry darling, but he’s telling you the truth.”  

“Fine, fine.” You opened the bottle and took three swigs, handing it to Taika. “Catch up, then.”

Tom started thinking about the compliment you had given him as he took his third swig of Tequila. He felt flattered that you felt that way, but it also reminded him of one of the notes he had found stuck to his trailer door.

“Okay, we need to re-block this whole scene. It just did not translate from script to screen…” The four of you worked on a few line changes and mapped out a better way to execute the scene for over two hours.

There was a bit of dialogue that Taika felt was getting lost that he really just didn’t want to let go of. “We may just have to mess with this tomorrow while we’re filming.”

“Or you could have Loki say it instead of Thor.” You suggested.

“Could do.” You could tell that Taika was thinking it over.

“Here you have Thor immediately going into another hard-hitting line” you explained. “If that line comes from Loki, it makes it less likely to get lost.”

“I think that will fix this problem too” Chris started underlining other parts of the dialogue.

“What do you think?” Taika looked at Tom.

“I mean, I personally think Loki has already evolved enough at that point in the script that it suits him quite nicely.” Tom explained in a way only Tom can explain.

“I agree” you said. “You guys make Loki grow quite a bit in this film and as usual, Tom is hitting it out of the park. I’m 100% confident he will have conveyed that message to the audience by this point.”

“Thank you for your vote of confidence.” Again, Tom was flattered. However, he was growing more and more suspicious that you were Casper.

“Always” you replied, smiling at Tom as you finished your coffee.

“Let me type this up and we can table read it.” Taika grabbed the papers and went to the other side of the trailer where his computer was set up.

“While you do that, I’m going to steal your restroom for a moment.” Chris stood, throwing his empty coffee cup away and closing the bathroom door. Chris joined Taika a moment later.

“Y/n?” Tom said, kind of quietly.

“What’s up?” Your elbows were resting on the table with your chin sat on your hands.

“Can I ask you something?” Tom didn’t want to bring it up in front of anyone. He didn’t want the notes to stop, but he had to know.

Tom looked a bit serious, but you didn’t know why. “Of course.”

“Are you…” He stopped, reaching his hand into his back pocket to retrieve his wallet. “Is this you?”

Your eyes went wide as Tom pulled a small stack of pink sticky notes out of his wallet, laying them down next to each other. There must have been 10 of them in total. You were touched that he actually kept them. Sometimes you felt silly leaving them for people not knowing if they appreciated them. You tried to play it off, laughing. “I thought those were from Taika?”

He pointed at one of them, reading it quietly. “I tried the tea you always drink. I don’t think it could ever replace my love of coffee, but I wanted you to know it pairs well with a good book.” He pointed to another note. “I know you paid for everyone to Uber home after our last night out. I just wanted to tell you I appreciate you. Thank you for always looking out for us.” You could feel his eyes on you as he moved his hand to a third note. “I envy your ability to capture a room. You’ve got an amazing knack for making those watching you feel whatever emotion you’re trying to convey.” When Tom’s hand moved to the fourth note, you heard Taika’s printer turn on.

“Put them away” you said, trying to stack them quickly. Chris started walking towards you and you grabbed the small stack you had gathered and put them in your pocket.

Tom put the rest back in his wallet. “What do you think?” he asked Taika about the changes he had made.

“I think tomorrow is going to be a lot fuckin’ better.” He passed the printed copies around after joining the two of you back at the table.

Tom’s line went over great, and the dialogue flowed much more smoothly. All of the other changes made the scene feel more natural. When Taika called it a night, Chris laid down on the couch refusing to go back to his own trailer.

“Can I walk you to yours?” Tom asked as you stepped out of Taika’s trailer.

The two of you walked back to your trailer in comfortable silence, tired and a little drunk. When you got to the door, you turned around and pulled the pink notes out of your pocket.

“Please don’t tell anyone?” You placed the notes in Tom’s hand.

“I didn’t plan on it” he replied, tucking them neatly back into his wallet.

“I feel silly now that someone knows it was me. Why did you keep them?” You had to ask. You assumed, at most, that people read them, smiled, and threw them away.

“Hmm…” Tom laughed humorlessly, his eyes focused on his wallet. “I think you’re doing a lot more than you realize when you leave your ‘silly’ little notes.”

His response caught you off guard. He almost sounded…sad? Serious?

“Y/n, I’ve had to work with actors and crew that have made filming a project miserable. Whether they were rude or critical or just an absolute diva, there is always someone to bring the room down.” He put his wallet away and looked you in the eyes. “I wish you knew how many of us have kept these notes. Taika has them in the glovebox of his car. The catwalk above the set is covered in notes you’ve left the crew. They’re stuck all over the mirrors in the make-up trailer so that the cast sees them first thing in the morning.”

Your eyes went wide. “What?”

Tom put his hands on each of your arms as if to ensure you were paying attention. “An encouraging word or a genuine compliment can change someone’s entire day, y/n. You have no way of knowing what life has dealt any of these people. They could be depressed or stressed out or wishing they hadn’t woken up that morning…and all of a sudden they receive a tiny bit of kindness from someone and it makes it that much easier to get through another day. Maybe even with a smile on their face.”

Tom wore a soft smile and even though you felt a bit overwhelmed, you couldn’t help but smile back. “Thank you for telling me that.” You moved towards him, pulling him into a tight hug.

“Please don’t forget it.” Tom pulled back a bit and pressed a quick kiss to your cheek. “I hope you get a good night’s sleep.”

“You, too.” You watched Tom walk away before slipping into your shared trailer.

Over the next few weeks, Tom had left you multiple green sticky notes with compliments written on them.

“You looked stunning yesterday”

“Thank you for still being a good listener when I go on rants about things you couldn’t care less about”

“Taika was bragging about you to someone on the phone. I just wanted you to know. I know sometimes you hesitate to suggest your ideas, but you shouldn’t.”

“I appreciate how much time you spend making this a better set to work on.”

“You are an incredible friend.”

You’d find at least one note a day and for every note he left you, you’d leave one for him. The two of you got quite a bit closer after he found out about your secret. You’d spend breaks on set together and often times wound up back in Taika’s trailer with him and Chris. You cuddled and flirted and shared more than a few loving glances, but you never went any further. It felt like it was turning into something more, but Tom was such a gentleman you couldn’t tell.

The note you found this morning, however, completely caught you off guard. The filming was almost done and everyone’s time on set was almost over. You had just sat down next to the director’s chair and opened your laptop. There, stuck to the screen, was a green sticky note. “Darling, would you please be mine?”

You looked up at Tom on stage only to find him already looking at you. He lifted his brow and tilted his head, waiting for your response. You couldn’t help but smile as you nodded ‘yes’.

Taika looked between you, noticing the interaction and intentionally teasing you. “Oi, what’s this then?”

Tom turned, trying to hide his grin by talking to Chris. You closed your laptop to hide the sticky note.

“Nah, I saw you two. Don’t pretend like I’m crazy.” Taika was still looking back and forth between you and Tom.

“Maybe you’re still drunk from last night” you teased, putting your laptop in its bag so you could retrieve the note later.

“Oh, sure.” He dropped it, knowing he’d bring it up tonight when you all gathered in his trailer.

The rest of the filming flew by crazy fast. You and Tom had decided that you would go stay with him in New York until the press junkets and interviews started. When the premier rolled around, you two were already publicly dating so you got to escort him down the red carpet. It had been just over a year since the two of you had started dating.

As the credits for the film started rolling, you felt like you were walking down memory lane. So many people go into making movies of this scale and watching all of the names roll by, one by one, really puts that into perspective. You’d met almost all of these people and worked closely with quite a few of them. As the credits came to an end, you saw that Taika had added an extra credit.

The last few “SPECIAL THANKS” credits were in order as listed…

“The filmmakers acknowledge the assistance of the New Zealand Government’s Screen Production Grant”

“The filmmakers would like to acknowledge the Yugambeh and Bundjalung Peoples of Australia”

“The director would like to thank ‘Casper’, Ragnarok’s own personal friendly ghost”

It had been a year since you’d written one of those notes and it caught you off guard. Tom put his arm around your shoulders, pressing a kiss to your temple. “I told you.”

You and Tom mingled amongst your friends at the after party. Taika was flying. He was so happy with how it turned out and grateful for such a positive response. Everyone in the cast was telling stories from filming and catching up with their friends. By the time you two got back to your hotel room, you were blissfully tipsy and exhausted. You slipped out of your dress and threw on a baggy t-shirt before washing your face and getting ready for bed. When you left the bathroom, you saw Tom sitting on the edge of the bed in his pajamas with a soft, warm smile gracing his beautiful face. He was wearing his glasses and his hair was a mess and he could not have been more attractive if he tried.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, pulling you to stand between his legs.

“Pretty good. How about yourself?” you put your arms around his neck and pressed your lips to his.

“I think there’s only one thing that could make me happier in this moment.” He answered.

You thought he was being a bit cheeky, so you replied with, “oh, yeah? I wonder what that could be.”

Tom reached behind him on the bed and pulled out a small box with a worn, green sticky note on top of it. He didn’t say anything, letting you read it. It was the same note he had left stuck to your laptop screen. “Darling, would you please be mine?” Only now the word “forever” was written at the bottom.

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x10 thoughts

GOOD GOD.

“No Weddings and a Funeral” is like being hungover but also coming out of a hangover. Having a terrible cold but also feeling better and appreciating every breath that comes through your nose. Embarking on an organizational project and accidentally falling into a photo album and crying about the pictures and organizing almost nothing tangible but making a few things more clear in your brain.

So much of this episode is about the AWFUL POINTLESSNESS OF DECORUM. How loud is too loud when you’re drinking stolen wine and shrieking about sex in a church right before your father’s funeral? How should you feel--thirty years later, as an accommodating, anger-averse person--about having been too angry to attend the funeral for your father who killed himself? What expression should you make when you show up really late to a different funeral? Why must you wear uncomfortable shoes just because someone died? What happens in your mind between standing up to give a eulogy for a man you’re still angry with and choosing to Rick Roll your mom and everyone else as an act of complicated love, humiliatingly incomplete until someone else starts to sing? Should you worry about your therapist seeing your normally tidy flat in a full-on state of depression mess? Is it okay to be offended that your boyfriend is so uncomfortable about death that he can’t stop making morbid jokes? Should you care about other people caring that you’re crunching an apple in church or squealing with joy to be reunited with a friend you’ve not seen in awhile? Are you obligated to explain your behavior if your kid doesn’t understand how you could stay with someone unfaithful? How far behind the counter should you sink when your [undefined relationship person]’s mother has just let you know she can see your dick through your underwear? Is a funeral reception an okay place to find a hookup? Is a funeral reception a decent spot for a break-up? Is a funeral reception a good time for a love confession when you know the person you’re confessing to is happy with someone else? And who do you make eye contact with when you can’t look directly at the person asking you if you’re okay when there’s so, so much about you she doesn’t know yet? Even if--for this tiny little moment within a vast swath of many okay and not-okay moments--you’re honest when you tell her that you are?

I fucking adored this episode because it answers all these questions very simply: Show up. Show up for yourself. Show up for your friends. Try not to harm yourself. Try not to harm your friends.

I love that this episode is about the messiness of adulthood and the things we bring with us from childhood and that it takes place partially in Rebecca’s childhood bedroom, and in Ted’s childhood memories. Dwelling in those places (whether physically or mentally) isn’t an automatic recipe for regression, but it does get everyone closer to the things that made them who they are, to the unresolved and half-buried parts of them that still make them tick today.

Forever obsessed with every single detail about Rebecca’s childhood bedroom.

Forever obsessed with Deborah’s decision to Rick Roll herself every single morning of her life.

Forever obsessed with Rebecca’s decision to Rick Roll her father’s funeral as a way to not have to make up a single word about her father and to do something very vulnerable and kind for herself and her mother and everyone.

Forever obsessed with Ted’s decision to Rick Roll Rebecca Rick Rolling her father’s funeral.

Forever obsessed with an entire found family backing it up.

I love that it is Isaac’s leadership that ensures every single member of the team attends the service for Paul.

I am very, very interested in Jamie’s love confession to Keeley because I do think it will spark some reflection in Keeley but I do not think it’ll go the cliched love triangle route.

Each scene with Rebecca and Sam struck (for me, a human being sharing a subjective perspective on the internet) the tender-awkward-beautiful-stressful chord I was hoping it would. I think it’s wonderful that Sam is honest with Rebecca about how difficult it is to keep their relationship a secret, and I love that Rebecca has a million mostly-unarticulated reasons for why she’d much prefer the secret to continue. I like that Sassy, Keeley, and Nora respond to the revelation as friends; they might be tempering their judgments in part because they’ve all gathered to bury Rebecca’s dad, but I don’t think their reactions would’ve been that different even on a happier occasion.

While there are a million and one different reasons why a continued relationship between Rebecca and Sam could cause serious ethical problems, I really love that when people share big news on this show, the people who care about them generally react by trying to see why the person is doing what they’re doing. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t also hold each other accountable, but in my book it’s OK that Keeley’s first reaction was to feel happy that her friend is having some fun.

Also everyone has been making weird judgment calls this season, and this episode felt like a moment of real breakthroughs in terms of people telling the truth about things that happened to them and leaving themselves open to honest responses from others.

September 13, 1991. It’s so tenderly, beautifully, overwhelmingly meaningful that there’s still so much Ted and Rebecca don’t know about the things they have in common in these parallel lives they’re leading. The scene between Sarah Niles and Jason Sudeikis is so beautifully acted, and so is the scene between Hannah Waddingham and Harriet Walter. The way they intertwine to communicate that Ted and Rebecca basically lost the ability to trust their fathers simultaneously, from an ocean away? In the hands of lesser storytellers, it would feel too perfect a mirroring, but here it feels heartbreakingly imperfect. All the things they still don’t know. All the questions they try to ask each other. All the things they don’t dare ask yet. And then the storytellers are holding a candle up to all of it and letting the audience bask in the glow of this connection even if Ted and Rebecca can’t fully understand it yet.

I am so proud that Rebecca and Deborah were able to embark on the beginnings of a conversation about the ways Deborah and Paul’s relationship might have resembled or not resembled Rebecca and Rupert’s. It feels possible that they could get to a point where Rebecca truly internalizes her mother’s pride that she broke a cycle by leaving Rupert, and could maybe even understand why her mother made the choices she made. I love that in the final scene, they’re still relying on their old mother-daughter conversational patterns—the frustrations, the snippy shorthand, the passive-aggression. Mothers and daughters!

I am also proud that Ted—albeit via a joke about Sharon charging him for the house call—indicates that he understands the value of Sharon’s work. He’s changed a lot, all in realistic ways for someone who loves learning and really does want to meet people where they are and appreciate them. I’m very moved that instead of putting himself in a real harmful situation by showing up to the funeral on time at any cost, he did what he needed to do to take care of himself and accept care from someone else. And then Sharon’s suggestion that he think about things he loved about his father? And the way he’s able to share a positive memory of Rebecca’s own father at a time when she really needed it? Gosh.

Awkward, undecorous transition from 1991 to present-day incoming...but SASSY! She’s just, like, a whirling dervish of loyal friendship and not giving a fuck and penis size discussions and being casually, delightfully cruel to Rupert, who so deserves it. Rebecca was going on a real face journey when Sassy goes off with Ted at the end, and I’m sort of *eyes emoji* about all of that, but I continue to feel like Sassy is the most imperfectly wonderful friend-from-the-past kind of person and I love everything she and Nora get to do in this episode.

Keeley saying “That baby is whack” might be my favorite line in the episode? Maybe the whole show? Not really but really.

FUCK YOU, RUPERT. Bex and Diane, y’all are fine. And I truly feel for Nate...whatever scheme he’s getting suckered into. Whatever insecurity Rupert is preying on. I want Nate to go to therapy, too.

I feel like it was an unpopular opinion at the time, but I loved Rebecca’s 2x1 revelation about vulnerability and fear of getting hurt and needing to let someone love her. Sassy doesn’t always word things in the most nuanced way, but I think there’s a real possibility that she did ask Rebecca to really consider what it means to feel either safe or unsafe with a person but to know that in either circumstance, that person could end up causing her pain. Standing in that closet with Sam, managing to make it clear that she’s not asking for a break because she knows he will hurt her but because she has to figure out how to be with a wonderful person who could cause her pain...the growth, man. Makes me emotional.

I emerged from this episode feeling, of course, stunned by all the amazing parallels and revelations and beautiful acting and Rick Rolls and just, everything. I also emerged feeling sad/raw/tender because messiness and decorum and growth and coping mechanisms and death and dramatic irony and not knowing things about people and not knowing what you don’t know...it’s a sad, raw, tender place to be.

To quote a guy who got a whole sitcom (lol) named after him, life is real hard.

[littlestarrykenobi]

“I’m Good at Getting on my Knees and Begging”

Ukai x Y/N x TimeSkip!Daichi

Word Count: 2340

Warnings: Hair pulling, oral, soft dom themes, alcohol consumption (but lots of consent!)

You had grown so used to Ukai and Daichi’s bickering that the times where they were gone felt too quiet around the shop. Oh, you appreciated the break. The times when Ukai was off at practice so the constant muttering over the small television on the counter stopped, the times when Daichi wouldn’t be standing over your counter in his uniform, scrolling through his work phone as he drank his coffee… but at the same time, as you checked the clock ticking away on the wall you felt the silence. Silence didn’t describe it either as the low hum of the machines kept you company. You perked up as you heard Ukai’s car coming down the road, knowing your loneliness was about to come to an end.

“Yeah?! Well if you did more receiving drills-”

“Me?! You’re head coach! You can order whatever damn drills-”

“Oh, now you don’t want to be head coach?! Yeah, seems about right!”

“When did I say I wanted to be?!”

“Shut your mouth!”

That was certainly your boys. You couldn’t help but laugh as you went to greet them, leaning against the back door as they pulled their duffels out of his small vehicle.

“So, I take it the game didn’t exactly go spectacularly?” You joked, earning a frustrated huff in return from the older coach.

“Oi, y/n, tell Daichi he’s still that same dumbass he was in high school would you?” Ukai grumbled, lighting a cigarette.

“I told you to quit those, old man!” Daichi griped back.

“No, you said I couldn’t smoke with you in the car! God no wonder you’re single. Do you bitch this much to the people you bring home?!”

You laughed as you pushed Daichi inside, letting him drop the duffel off on the desk as he watched you lock the front doors. “I should be getting home, it’s late.”

“No way, I am not letting you go home alone,” Daichi insisted with a smile, waving his arm dismissively. “I can drive you.”

“It’s really not that long of a walk I-“

“Great! I would love to walk you home then! I need the exercise. Stuck sitting next to the walking dead over there all day anyway.”

“What did you call me?!”

“Oh hush, you both had long days!” You insisted, disregarding how Daichi looked at you as you brushed by his large frame in the small doorway, squeezing by. You two had been in the same high school class but hadn’t had a chance to interact much… not that it’d stopped him from noticing how cute you were.

“Well at least stay for a drink then?” Ukai suggested as he put out the cigarette, thinking that if it got a little later he might be able to be the one to drive you home instead.

“Yeah, a drink at least?” Daichi added, finally finding common ground. “I know he’s been working you like a dog with overtime on our account.”

“Do you always find a way to make it something negative? Damn, no wonder the guys are scared of you.”

“It’s better to be feared and respected isn’t it?” Daichi said defensively with a tight lipped smile, the fire in his eyes betraying his frustration.

“Okay, if it will get you two to quit I’ll stay for a drink.” You sigh, giving into their usual brand of chaos.

One turned into two which turned into a little more. You still had your head about you, to be sure, since the goal really wasn’t to get drunk. You’d done that plenty with both Ukai and Daichi before and trusted them with your safety but you did enjoy the warm fuzzy feeling being buzzed and cuddled up between the both of them afforded you. You seemed to be the one thing that got them to quit their arguing… But your inattentiveness only lead to surprise as you felt two calloused hands slowly slide to your thighs. Ukai on your left, Daichi on your right. The backs of their hands touched, both men immediately looking up to stare the other down.

“You know it’s getting late, Ukai,” Daichi said in his dangerously even tone. “Might want to get to bed. Old men like you need their rest and they’re much younger. They’ll want to be up for a while.”

“Old man, eh?” Ukai smirked, chuckling lightly. “I think you mean experienced. Lovers don’t expire, Sawamura. We age like fine wine. If you want to see what this old man can do, I’m sure they won’t mind an audience.”

Your cheeks flushed as you realized the situation they were putting you in. Their intense eyes turned to you, clearly wanting a decision.

“N-Now guys I don’t really know what’s going on here but,” You stammered, trying to buy some time to think.

“We want to fuck you, both of us.” Ukai said, sharply to the point. “What? Glare at me all you want Sawamura but we both know what we want, why shouldn’t they?”

“But do you have to put it so… Grossly, Keishin?” Daichi groaned, rubbing his temples as he tried to process and move past it. “But he’s not… fuck he’s not wrong. O-Of course you don’t have to fuck either of us. Just say the word and I’ll walk you to your place right now.”

You covered your face with your hands, heart pounding. You’d been imagining and fantasizing for so many years for a day like this hadn’t you? Why the hell is it when it’s finally happening you’re paralyzed with fear?!

“What if I want both?” you squeak, voice cracking. That only made it worse, fully mortified as Ukai began to laugh.

“H-Hey! That’s not- That’s not funny!” Daichi barked, pulling you in by your waist. “Don’t laugh at them.”

“N-No it’s not at them I swear!” Ukai promised through his chuckles, shaking his head. “It’s just so cute how they asked. As if we could say no to such a tempting offer…”

Ukai lightly pushed your hair away from your face, one hand easing yours away so his long fingers could travel down your cheek and jawline, a small smirk on his face. You looked back to Daichi, seeing him nodding quietly.

“You’re sure you want this?” he asked quietly, smiling as you whispered your consent. His lips met yours in an instant, Ukai’s hands quickly moving to your work blouse, unbuttoning it so he could get access to your soft skin as quickly as possible. The callouses only heightened your sensitivity, feeling all your awareness come back before the way his fingers squeezed your sensitive nipples obliterated it all over again.

“Fuck,” you whined, quiet, nearly under your breath as his lips attached to one sensitive bud, Daichi’s hands quickly moving to unbutton and unzip your jeans, easily slipping his hand inside despite how large they were and how tight the strong fabric tried to hold onto your form.

“Kei, I want them naked,” Daichi huffed. “Help me out.”

“Gladly,” Keinshin smirked, leaning you back on Daichi as he grabbed your belt loops, pulling them off quickly along with your underthings. You were naked for the first time in front of the two of them and you looked… perfect. They loved your every soft curve, every inch of skin, every flaw… They didn’t hesitate to start exploring with their lips, wanting to cover every inch.

“W-Wait I-I haven’t shaved or-” you tried to whine, but Ukai shook his head.

“You’re going to be delicious no matter what baby, I can tell,” He smirked.

“You know I’m surprised at you, Kei,” Daichi chuckled. “How Takeda put it, I thought you liked it when they got on their knees to beg more.”

Ukai shot him a look, a growl rumbling in the older man’s chest. “Maybe I should use your mouth instead of theirs if you’re going to be such a brat,” Ukai threatened, only succeeding in making Daichi roll his eyes.

“Just shut up and prove you’re not just all blowing smoke huh?”

Daichi had your head resting on his chest still, playing with your tits as he watched everything Ukai did. The coach wasted no time, tongue working your sensitive spots, licking and sucking greedily as his fingers began to work and stretch your hole, gaining speed as he found the ways you liked best, not afraid to experiment to make your pleasure all the better. You were surrounded by the scent of Daichi’s cologne, of Ukai’s cigarettes, of the liquor on both of their lips. The shop didn’t only have the signature sound of their bickering anymore, nor was it the silence broken by the humming of the lights and vending machines. Whimpers and moans, hard fought for and easily won, as Daichi was forced to close his eyes, uselessly grinding himself against your back as he felt himself reach a breaking point.

You could feel the coil in your stomach now, slowly but surely coming to that tipping point before Ukai suddenly pulled away.

“On your hands and knees, pretty. I wasn’t stretching that cute hole of yours for nothing.”

“W-What?! Hold on what are you wanting them to-” Daichi tried to argue before Ukai helped you into the position he wanted. Your mouth hovered over Daichi’s covered cock, making him breathe a little heavier as he slowly looked up at Ukai.

“I’m not a total asshole,” Ukai chuckled as he shoved the waistband of his athletic pants down, teasing your hole with the head of his thick cock. “But c’mon, I’m not waiting around for you kid.”

Daichi eagerly pulled himself free, letting you see him for the first time. It was thick, heavy in your hands as you gasped, letting out a cry of pleasure as Ukai mentally counted the inches disappearing into your needy body.

One, two…

Daichi couldn’t help himself, eagerly taking advantage of your open mouth to pull you down on top of him, the thick veins pulsing as he let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding in.

Three, four, five…

The more he pushed into you the further down on Daichi’s cock you went, the choked moans and whines only making it harder for the dark headed man to resist shoving you down completely on his length. He wanted to hear the way you choked, watch how you squirmed, wanted to know what it’d be like to have you a drooling, fucked out mess… But he wasn’t in charge right now. Somehow, despite being the one fucking your mouth, despite the way he’d always owned every other sexual encounter he’d ever had, he was back to taking orders from coach.

Six, seven, and ah, eight. Finally.

Ukai rested now, balls heavy as he waited. He needed to give you a second, no matter how delicious it was that you whined and bucked your hips back against him. “Be good little pet and we’ll reward you, don’t worry,” he cooed. “You like being rewarded right?”

You nodded eagerly, sucking Daichi hard as he groaned, tossing his head back as he thrusted into your mouth.

“Good, good you’re being such a good little bitch in heat aren’t ya?” Ukai chuckled, but he wasn’t just looking at you when he said it, not that you could tell the difference. Daichi blushed heavily, trying to avoid eye contact with his old coach.

Once Ukai started to really move, he grabbed your hips for leverage, groaning sweetly, muttering curse words, letting you happily bury your nose in Daichi’s dark, curly bush as you took him as deep as you could, gagging, pulling back, then going back for more. Daichi pulled off his t-shirt, looking like a chiseled statue as his muscles flexed, watching every last ripple as he took your hair in his hand to use it as leverage.

“I’ve got it from here, sweet pea,” He cooed, not taking you off his cock as he finally moved onto his knees, forcing you up from your forearms to your hands, looking up at him with those beautiful eyes he’d been fantasizing about since high school. “Fuck you’re so gorgeous, I want you to swallow me down, okay?”

You moaned sweetly, whining and whining as Ukai’s pace only got more intense, slowing down with a sharp look from Daichi.

‘Can’t a man just chase his orgasm without some dumb punk kid getting in the way?’ Ukai thought bitterly but savored the slower pace, reaching around to play with your sex to try and reach your orgasm. The situation was too perfect, eagerly sucking Daichi’s cock down as Keishin hit your sweet spot over and over. When that coil finally became too tight to handle, you came around Ukai without warning. It was like that was the last thing they were holding onto, the pretty tears rolling down your cheeks and pretty cum dripping from Ukai’s hand being the rain that washes away any pretense at softness. Daichi let out a growl as he grabbed your hair tighter, Ukai doubled his efforts, both of them chasing after their own euphoria with little regard for how tight the muscles in your jaw were getting or how weak your legs were becoming. They were curtious men though, Daichi pulling out at the last second to spray your chest, Ukai happily delivering a few playful smacks as he pulled out and jacked himself once, twice, then spilled his seed onto your arched back.

The hum of electricity and panting.

It was better than a symphony at the right time… and in the afterglow it was delightful.

“Both of you, upstairs… You’ll stay with me.” Ukai said softly. “After you can walk.”

“O-Okay,” Daichi nodded weakly, pulling you into his lap as Ukai found tissues in the office. “You okay sweetie pie?”

You nodded, giggling lightly as you curled further into Daichi’s warmth. “I’m with my two favorite guys aren’t I…?”

Ukai’s cheeks heated up with a blush for the first time that night. Maybe… This wouldn’t be a one time thing after all.

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[gates-keeper]

Part 1: “Words of Affirmation” Destiel Quotes & Parallels

I’m sure someone’s done this before me and done it better, but I’m compiling a huge Destiel evidence docket for no reason. Anyone got any quotes to add?

Comments From Outside Characters

To Dean

Uriel: “He has this weakness. He likes you.” (4x10)

Balthazar: “You have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trench coat who’s in love with you.” (6x17)

Hester: “The first time Castiel laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost.” (7x21)

Meg: “He was your boyfriend first.” (7x23)

Charlie: “What about Castiel? He seems helpful. And dreamy.” (8x20)

Marie: “Although we do explore the nature of Destiel in Act 2.” (10x5)

Sam: “Shouldn’t it be Deastiel?” He then goes on to tease Dean with “Sastiel” which Dean takes negatively. (10x5)

Dean: “This Cas is looking at me weird.” Sam: “So like the real Cas then.” (15x14) 

To Castiel

Hannah: “We gave you our trust. Don’t lose it over one man.” (9x22)

Metatron: “His true weakness is revealed. He’s in love…with humanity.” (9x22)

Metatron: “Oh, that’s right. To save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but, ultimately, it was about saving one human, right?” (9x23)

Ishim: “I’m going to cure you of your human weakness [i.e. Dean]” (12x10)

The Empty: “I have tiptoed through all your little tulips. Your memories, your little feelings, yes. I know what you hate. I know who you love…There is nothing for you back there.” (13x4)

Demon: “I thought you were joined at the… (looks down) everything.” (14x01)

There are also several instances where other characters try to poke at insecurities regarding their relationship.

Naomi: “You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty. I only wish he felt the same way.” (8x19)

Casifer: “There comes a time when every relationship has run its course.” (11x18)

Michael!Dean: “You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he ‘gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.’ Or whatever.” (14x10)

Comments From Dean

To Cas

“There are two things I know for certain. One, Bert and Ernie are gay. And two, you are not going to die a virgin.” (5x03) 

“So what? I’m Thelma and you’re Louise and we’re just going to hold hands and sail off this cliff together?” (5x03)

“You know what? Blow me, Cas.” (5x18)

“Cas, not for nothing, but the last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid.” (5x18)

“Look, I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I’ve failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about! I don’t need it!” (8x07)

“We need you. I need you.” 

For more on this quote see the “We vs. I” section.

To Other Characters

Bobby: “I think maybe it’s time you made a call.” Dean: “Why does it always gotta be me that makes the call, huh? It’s not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude’s busy.” (Cas appears) Dean: “Get out of my ass.” Cas: “I was never in your… (head tilt)” (6x19)

“On my car…. He showed up naked… covered in bees.” (7x23)

While Cas suffered from some mental issues at the time, it seems somewhat significant that he sought Dean out under the circumstances, not Sam, etc.

“There’s things… people… feelings that I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.” (10x16)

“My shy but devastatingly handsome friend here” (12x12)

“He came into my room and he played me.” (12x19)

“Let’s see. Crowley’s dead, Kelly’s dead, Cas is—Mom’s gone.” (13x01)

Dean’s inability to list Cas’s death singles him out as the most devastating of the losses.

“We’ve lost everything. And now you’re gonna bring him back.” (13x01)

While some people have heard this as “bring ‘em back”, the Netflix captions and transcripts I have been able to find say “him.”

“And Cas bought it. And you know what it got him? It got him dead! Now you may be able to forget about that, but I can't!” (13x03)

“I have a family.” (In response to John Winchester lamenting Dean doesn’t have a wife and kids) (14x13)

Comments From Cas

To Dean

“I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I've begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt.” (4x16)

“I’m hunted. I rebelled. And I did it—all of it—for you.” (5x02)

“I gave everything for you. And this is what you give to me.” (5x18)

“I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call.” (6x21)

“So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord.” (6x22)

Before taking on the role of God, Cas seemed very concerned with Dean’s forgiveness/acceptance/love. It is interesting that, as God, that was the first thing he asked for, turning from Sam (who had just stabbed him) to Dean to ask for love.

“Sam, and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me.” (10x22)

“I love you. I love all of you.” (Arguably to the group, but the first “I love you” can be seen as Dean-specific, especially since it cuts to Dean after being said.) (12x12)

“You mean too much to me. To everything.” (12x9) (To Mary, Sam, and Dean. However, the camera immediately cuts to Dean specifically, even though he is in the back of the group).

“I’m your Huckleberry.” (13x06)

Cas love confession (15x18)

To Other Characters

“Dean and I do share a more profound bond.” (6x03)

“I won’t hurt Dean.” (8x17)

This is said as Castiel is breaking away from Naomi’s mind control—mind control she fostered specifically by having Cas kill a thousand versions of Dean. This implies she knows that Cas’s strongest loyalty is to Dean, not Sam, or humans in general.

“The point is that they [Dean & Sam] were here at all and you got to know them, you -- When they're gone, it will hurt, but that hurt will remind you of how much you loved them.” (14x14)

“You know, Dean, he... he feels things more acutely than any human I've ever known.” (15x13)

Other Comments

Reaper: “How do I start looking for this... Castiel?” Bartholomew: “I got one word for you. Winchester.”

Rowena: “An Angel of the Lord, shattered at the altar of Winchester.”

Use of We vs. I

In the crypt scene in Season 8, Dean tells Cas, “We need you.” This is not enough to stop Cas’s actions. When the language switches to “I need you,” Cas drops the angel blade.

We can clearly see that Dean tries to put up barriers about how he really feels about Cas in his use of “We.” For example, after showing the audience many scenes of Dean, not Sam, frantically trying to call Cas, we get the following lines:

“So not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us?”

“With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay.”

It’s clear that these “we’s” are really “I’s”

In the alternate future presented in 15x9, Sam asks Dean, “What’s happened to you Dean… ever since…?” to which Dean responds, “Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we’ve ever cared about? Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy and I had to bury him in a Malak box… ever since then?” While he acknowledges Sam’s losses as well, his switch to “I” in reference to Cas implies that Cas’s loss belongs especially to him.

(Mostly) Verbal Parallels to Other Couples

In 1x01 (start at 2:27), Dean pulls Sam away from a dead Jess in a direct parallel to how Sam pulls Dean away from Cas in 12x23

Following Jessica’s death, Sam keeps seeing glimpses of her as he and Dean travel around in the Impala. Dean does the same in Season 8 following his return from Purgatory without Cas.

David from “Bloodlines” (9x20) tells his love interest, “I was there. Where were you?” which is the same thing Dean says to Cas in “The Man Who Would Be King” (6x20)

When asking Dean whether he’s in love with Cassie, Dean gives a similar response to what he will say in 10x5 when asked about Destiel.

Destiel is paralleled with their counterparts from the Supernatural play who are “a couple in real life” (10x5)

Cain compares himself to Dean in Season 10. He describes the significant kills of his life (The Knights of Hell, his wife Collette, and his brother Abel) and tells Dean that he will follow his same pattern by killing the King of Hell Crowley, Castiel, then Sam. It is also mentioned that all Collette asked of Cain was “to stop,” which is the same language Cas uses with Dean in 10x22.

Dean explains how his parents fell in love to prove his identity to Mary in 12x1, “He was cute and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song, so when he asked you for your number, you gave it to him, even though you knew your dad would be pissed.” Later in this same season (12x19), Dean gives Cas a homemade mixtape of his favorite Zeppelin songs.

Ishim fell in love with a human named Lily Sunder who ultimately left him for someone else. When trying to recruit Castiel, he compares Dean to her.

Dean questions how much of their life has been controlled by God. Cas states, “You asked, ‘What about all of this is real?’ We are.” (15x02) Later, they find out that God has been using Eileen to spy on the Winchesters. She says, “After what happened, I don’t know what’s real anymore.” Sam kisses her, stating “I know that was real.” (15x09)

PART 2 “Physical Touch” Now Finished

[seongsangi]

can’t keep my hands to myself (2)

pairing: johnny x reader x jaehyun

summary: what happens after that phone call with jaehyun?

word count: 4.3k

warnings: drinking (pls drink responsibly!!), threesome, voyeurism, dacryphilia, somnophilia absolute filth read to find out!!

author’s note: read part 1

The three of you spend the rest of the night drinking Jaehyun’s sorrows away. He thought this girl was really into him, but when he waited for an hour and was ghosted by her when he tried to call or text her, he knew it was too good to be true. Now here he is, drowning himself in peach soju. You and Johnny share glances at each other, wondering if he should slow down or just let him have his night.

 “Anything we can do to help you feel better?” Johnny slightly nudges you with his elbow and you shove him, knowing exactly what he means but not while the poor man is almost drunk. You glance over at Jaehyun, letting your eyes roam his figure across from you. His long legs are clad in black jeans, thighs spread and looking like an invitation. He looks so damn good in these all black outfits, you just want to climb in his lap and –

“Can you get me another one? That’ll be good enough for me.” He takes his last swig of the bottle in his hand, setting it down on the floor. You get up from the couch, heading to the fridge for another. Johnny and Jaehyun follow your figure with their eyes, the short skirt doing wonders to show off your legs. Johnny doesn’t feel jealous at all that his best friend is staring down his girl. He would be lying if he said he didn’t notice the way you both steal glances at each other when you all hang out.

 You come back with a bottle in hand, standing over Jaehyun and taking a couple swigs before handing it to him. “I don’t think you should drink all of that, Jae.”

 “Don’t worry about me, sweetheart.” Jaehyun is now testing the waters himself. A small smile forms on your lips at the name, but you quickly try to cover it. Johnny reaches for your hand, tugging you into his lap. As Jaehyun reaches for the remote to find something to watch, you feel Johnny’s hand glide across the back of your neck, turning your head in his direction. He gives you a warm smile, squeezing your thigh. You mouth “what?” but he just glances over your shoulder before pressing his lips to yours. You can taste the soju on him, smiling into the kiss. When you try to pull away, he holds your head still, lips steadily moving against yours. He sighs, kissing you more fervently and pressing your body closer to him.

 “Johnny, what the –” his lips are now attached to your neck, letting out a soft moan at his warm breath on your skin. Your eyes dart to Jaehyun, who is glued to the scene and shifting uncomfortably in his seat. His mind races back to the phone call from earlier.

 Jaehyun was about to hang up when he thought he heard Johnny say something. He listened for a few seconds and realized Johnny wasn’t talking to him at all. Jaehyun was confused, did Johnny forget to hang up? Does he know he’s still on the call? Jaehyun felt like he was invading your privacy, but he was too intrigued by the sound of your moans to say the least. He figured he could listen just this once and never say anything about it. There was this unspoken attraction he had for you, but he would always respect your relationship with Johnny. Of course, he would never do anything about to jeopardize it, but he will admit he’s thought about you in more ways than one. Was that wrong of him? Fuck, he doesn’t know any more.

 You muster up the strength to pull Johnny’s head away from your neck, asking him seriously, “What are you doing?” Johnny looks over to Jaehyun, who is running a hand through his hair and blushing red, from the alcohol or from what just happened, it’s hard to tell. “I’m just giving him a show. It seems he likes to watch, don’t you think?” You swear your heart is going to beat out of your chest as you watch Jaehyun bite his lip, eyes following Johnny’s hand as it travels underneath your skirt, pushing it up to expose more of your thigh. Your body is on fire now, the audience making your head spin with every touch Johnny leaves. Okay, you did pull that stunt over the phone, but you didn’t think things would progress this fast!

 Johnny leans in close to your ear, telling you you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You want it so bad, but you need to hear Jaehyun say it too.

 “Do you want to watch, Jae?” You call out to him, the question sending blood rushing to his member. “Yeah, I do, is that okay?” His voice is quiet, hard to hear almost. You core tingles at his confirmation, letting Johnny do whatever he wants with you as Jaehyun watches.

 Jaehyun takes another sip from the bottle, letting the alcohol cloud his mind and lower his inhibitions. He’s waiting for someone to say something, to snap him out of this dream he must be having. He’s letting the scene before him unfold, lost in Johnny’s hands roaming your body and the way you react so sweetly to his touch. His pants are getting a little too tight for him, bulge growing at the sight of Johnny repositioning you on the edge of the couch. Johnny gets on his knees on the floor, keeping your legs spread. Jaehyun sucks in a deep breath at the sight of your panties being pushed to the side.

 “Show him your pretty little pussy,” Johnny’s words make your core clench. This is all so new to you, you feel slightly embarrassed and want to close your legs but you can’t with Johnny’s grip on them. Your hands hesitantly move to spread your lips for the man across from you. He’s straining against his pants at the sight of your wetness, so close yet so far. Johnny hums, you’re such a good girl for him. He glides two fingers across your juices, slipping them in and stretching you out. You throw your head back in a string of moans, his tongue lapping at your sensitive nub. Jaehyun closes his eyes for a second, listening to your sweet moans and rubbing himself lightly.

 Johnny adds a third and you swear you’re going to cry, his tongue on your clit and fingers hitting your spot with every thrust are too much. You lock eyes with Jaehyun, giving him your best seductive look, making his pants twitch. Your hips buck on their own, unable to stay still with Johnny’s ministrations. He’s so good at working your body, he knows you so well and uses it to his advantage. He pulls his fingers out, spreading your lips and focusing kitten licks on your clit. Your moans increase in pitch, the undivided attention to your clit driving you close to the edge.

 “Baby, I’m gonna cum,” you hold his hand as you climax, spilling into his mouth and making a mess on the floor. He laps everything he can up, drawing out your intense orgasm. His tongue doesn’t stop even as you tell him it’s too much and you’re definitely crying now. Jaehyun almost feels bad for the overstimulation, but something in him lights up when he sees the tears streaming down your face. You look so pretty like this and he wants to see you ruined even more.

 Johnny finally pulls away from your core, giving you a chance to collect yourself. You can’t even open your eyes and your legs are sore as hell from being held up for so long. You just want to go to sleep right here. Johnny laughs at your tired state as he cleans up, clearly too fucked out. “And that’s it for tonight, boys.” Johnny carries you to the bedroom, turning on the shower and leaving a hot and bothered Jaehyun all by himself.

The next few days, you’re too busy working and studying for an exam that you don’t get the chance to go over to Johnny’s place. Which may or may not be a good thing, you think you still need time to recover from what happened that night. Goddamn, that really happened, didn’t it? You know it was all mutual but you still can’t get it out of your head that it may have been a little too fast. Well, no point in dwelling over it. You’re spending the night at his place tonight so maybe there will be a chance for all of you to talk about it.

 “I just, I don’t know, is it gonna make things weird between you guys now?” You ask Johnny, worrying about their friendship.

 “Well, I don’t think it’s been weird since then. Unless he’s just really good at hiding it.”

 Jaehyun actually doesn’t come home until you and Johnny fall asleep, getting caught up at work. He knows you’re spending the night tonight and was sort of hoping he didn’t run into you. He didn’t want you to think he was some creep who just liked to watch. To be honest, he didn’t really understand it himself either. It was also new to him, and he felt like he could trust you and Johnny and found himself enjoying it more than he thought. Maybe there will be another chance for all of you to talk about it.

 The time reads 4:17 am and you carefully get out of bed, not trying to wake Johnny as you head to the kitchen. You almost screamed when you saw Jaehyun standing at the counter in the dark. “Oh my god, you scared me!” You grab the pitcher of water in front of him, pouring yourself a glass. You’re trying not to stare at him, the white shirt and gray sweats making your mind wander. He’s avoiding eye contact with you, looking at his glass of water. Okay, this might be a little awkward.

“How have you been?” you decide to ask, not sure what else to say. He tells you he’s been okay, working a lot these past couple days. You nod, making small conversation. There’s another awkward silence after that, and you’re about to bid him goodnight until he says something.

 “Um, about the other night…” he trails, putting his hands in his pocket and leaning against the counter. You hope this doesn’t ruin anything between all three of you. “We don’t have to do it again if you don’t want to, Jae.” He quickly backtracks, “No, no, it’s not that. I mean, I liked it I just–” he stumbles over his words, trying to figure out how to say it. “I just don’t want you to think I’m weird or anything for liking it.” You reach out to place your hand on his arm, prompting him to look at you.

 “Look, it’s safe to say we all enjoyed it so it’s not weird at all. Don’t worry about it too much.” He lets out a sigh of relief. “If you liked it, maybe we can do it again. But we’d have to ask Johnny first of course.” You give him a soft smile, not wanting him to feel like he should be embarrassed about it.

 “Plus, I liked having you watch,” you say with a wink before heading back to Johnny’s room. “Goodnight, Jae.”

 The next time you stay at Johnny’s place, the semester is over and it’s finally winter break. After a night of watching Christmas movies, you tell Johnny you’re going to bed. He wants to stay up and play some games with Jaehyun but you don’t have it in you to stay awake. They both share a look with each other, watching you saunter off to bed for the night. What you don’t know is they’ve got quite the surprise for you.

 When a few hours have passed and they’re sure you’re asleep, Johnny carefully opens the door to his room with Jaehyun close behind. They’ve been talking about it all day, waiting for the right moment to make their move. Johnny recalls you mentioning the idea of being woken up to him in between your legs, the thought of it turns you on immensely. How can he say no to that?

 He finds you laying on your side, curled up underneath the blanket. Jaehyun sits at the edge of the bed as Johnny comes around to you, towering over you and peeling the covers back slowly. You shift in bed as the covers are peeled off, now lying on your back. Johnny drags his fingertips up your legs, sending tingles throughout your body. You furrow your brows, it feels like something is tickling you. Johnny pauses for a bit, gauging your reaction before sitting down. He pushes your legs apart as far as he can without disturbing you, just enough so he can rub circles over your clit. He appreciates your lack of panties tonight, quickly finding the sensitive nub.

 Your dream starts off innocent, cuddling with Johnny in bed, your head on his chest. Next thing you know, you’re straddling his hips and sliding your tongue into his mouth, fighting for dominance. He quickly flips you over and you wrap your legs around him, rubbing your clothed sex on his bulge. “Baby girl, just what do you think you’re doing?” His low voice sends shivers down your back, smirking against his lips. “Just want you to fuck me,” you peck a kiss to his lips, “please?” Your flimsy shorts are a mess, sticking uncomfortably to your skin, eager for Johnny’s touch where you need him most.

 He tosses your shirt up, kissing down your torso as he presses his fingers harder to your clit. He can feel the wetness through your shorts, picking up the pace of his fingers to hear you moan for him. “Mmm, babe, that feels good” you pant, in the dream and in real life. Johnny feels a surge of pride hearing you talk about him in your sleep. Jaehyun is watching closely, wanting to touch you but he holds himself back. Johnny attaches his mouth to your nipple, swirling it around gently. You slightly arch your back, pushing your nipple further into his mouth. He’s surprised you haven’t woken up yet and decides to see how far he can go.

 Johnny slips his fingers into your shorts, gathering your juices on his slender digits. You moan softly, this dream feels so real. You spread your legs subconsciously, imagining Johnny’s fingers sliding in and out of you. He smirks at your movements, taking the opportunity to give you what you want. Jaehyun shifts on the bed to get a better look at you, watching your breathing get faster as Johnny picks up the pace. Johnny’s thumb presses to your clit as he scissors you, your moans picking up. Your hips are moving against the bed, stirring out of your sleep at the warm feeling in your center. You haven’t had a wet dream in a while and this one is getting a little heated.

 “Are you waking up, baby?” Johnny’s voice sounds like it’s right in your ear, coaxing you out of your sleep. His fingers are still moving slowly in you as your eyes flutter open, feeling a presence in bed with you. As soon as he sees your eyes open, his hand starts moving ruthlessly, catching you off guard.

 “Fuck, Johnny wait,” your hands are grabbing the pillow underneath your head, squeezing for dear life. You turn to your right and Jaehyun looks in awe, practically drooling over you. You did not expect this at all and you feel yourself gushing at the thought of them waking you up. “You like the surprise?” Johnny asks as he kisses your inner thigh, pulling his fingers out. You hum in agreement, reaching your hand out to Jaehyun who seems to be sitting so far away.

 “Did you like it?” You ask as he takes your hand, letting you pull him closer. You sit up on your knees, looking back and forth between Johnny and Jaehyun. You don’t have to say anything and Johnny already knows what you’re thinking. He scoots further back, giving you and Jaehyun some room. You’re still holding hands, tracing circles on his hand with your thumb. “I don’t want you to watch tonight.” You rest his hand on your thigh, encouraging him to touch you. He gives you a look like he’s asking you if you’re sure about this. “Don’t you want to touch me, Jae?” You beckon in your best sultry voice, driving him crazy.

 He looks at Johnny once more, a small nod egging him on. He takes in a deep breath, giving your thigh a squeeze before he pushes your shoulders down, your back hitting the mattress with such force. He grabs your wrists to pin them above your head, kicking your legs apart to kneel in between them. He leans down to whisper in your ear, “Johnny tells me you like it rough?” You whimper when he pushes his knee against your core and pinches your nipple at the same time. Oh god, you didn’t think it’d be like this. The switch up in his demeanor has you excited for what’s to come.

 You turn your head to look at Johnny, who is paying close attention to his girlfriend and best friend together. Jaehyun watched you two last time, so he doesn’t mind sitting back during this one. You’re getting extremely aroused thinking about all the things you want Jaehyun to do to you as Johnny watches. You wiggle your hips, asking Jaehyun to take your shorts off.

 “Ask him nicely,” Johnny perks up. Jaehyun rolls your nipple between his fingers, pinching harder. “Pretty please, Jae, want you to touch me,” you roll your hips against his knee, showing him how needy you are. “You’re so hot, can’t wait to fuck you,” he slaps your thigh hard, stopping your hips from moving. He sits on his heels, inching your shorts down as you lift your hips. He lets go of your hands, sliding down to face your core. His hands grip the back of your knees, pushing your legs towards your chest. He flattens his tongue against your slit, dragging it up and down making your toes curl.

 “Ohhh my goddd,” you whine, feeling your juices leaking onto the bed.

 “You’re so wet sweetheart,” Jaehyun teases you, focusing his attention on your clit. You feel the warmth building in your stomach, grabbing the sheets so hard you think they’ll rip. He wraps his lips around your clit, licking and sucking in a way that makes your eyes roll back. You don’t even know how long his head was in between your legs for, but you feel your high approaching quickly. “I’m cumming,” you yell, clamping your legs around his head. He pries them back open with ease, lapping at your core. You feel something land on the bed next to you, but you’re too focused on the feeling of Jaehyun’s tongue to pay attention.

 You quite literally scream when you feel the vibrator pressing against your clit, thrashing around on the bed as Jaehyun tries to hold you down. “I can’t, I can’t –” you whine, feeling a second one coming so soon.

 “Yeah, you gonna cum for us? You like it when he touches you?” Johnny’s voice is right above you, stroking your hair away to see your face contorted in pleasure. Jaehyun slips the vibrator in you as Johnny slides his hand down your front, replacing the vibrator with his fingers on your clit. You scream so loud Johnny has to slap his hand over your mouth, squirting all over their fingers and making a mess on the sheets. Tears are forming in your eyes from the intensity of the orgasm, and they threaten to spill as their hands don’t stop. You’re a crying mess by the time they pull back, both enjoying your fucked out state a little too much.

 "Squirted all over us baby. Look at the mess you made," Johnny mocks you, shoving his fingers in your mouth and you lick them clean, palming him through his sweats. You look at Jaehyun in between your legs, using your foot to do the same to him. They’re both rock hard and you want them in your mouth. You sit up on your knees, asking if you can suck them both off. Jaehyun comes around to the edge where Johnny is standing, who’s already pulling his sweats down. You reach for him, pumping him a few times before taking him down your throat, getting his dick wet. Jaehyun stares at you incredulously, watching you gag on Johnny. He gives your ass a hard slap, earning a glare from you for the sting. Johnny pulls your head away from him, shoving your face toward Jaehyun’s sweats. You bat your lashes at him, pleading with your eyes for him to take them off so you can finally get a taste of him.

 They both have impressive lengths, wetness gushing to your center thinking about how good they’ll ruin you. You let out a long moan as you take Jaehyun in your mouth, the vibrations making him throw his head back. Johnny still has a grip on your hair, guiding your head along Jaehyun’s dick. You’re drooling on his dick, the sound of spit along with Jaehyun’s low groans filling the room. Your jaw is getting tired but you just can’t get enough.

 “How do you want it, sweetheart?” You swear you’ll never get tired of that name coming from him. You look at Johnny, a sly smile on your lips as you ask, “Is it okay if Jaehyun fucks me first?” Johnny doesn’t say anything, just grabs your chin and leans down to your face. He tells you to stick your tongue out, letting a trail of spit fall from his mouth to yours. “Oh, that’s nasty,” Jaehyun bites his lip. You’re a little too excited when Johnny manhandles you, throwing you on your stomach and lifting your hips in the air. He climbs up the bed as Jaehyun gets into position behind you. He lines himself up with your core, gathering your slick on his tip. Now it’s Jaehyun’s turn to pull your hair, arching your back as you brace yourself with your hands. Johnny is front of you now, pumping himself as he Jaehyun slides right in.

 “Fuck, so good," Jaehyun groans, bottoming out and earning a whimper from you at the full feeling. “Shit, so deep,” eyes glossing over as he finds his pace, fucking you dumb. Johnny caresses your cheek, slipping his thumb into your mouth in which you eagerly suck on. You close your eyes, letting Jaehyun’s dick take control of your body. You can feel every inch of him, sliding out slowly but slamming right back in. He holds you close to him, giving it to you just the way you want it. He moves his hips more fervently, increasing the pace and force of his thrusts. Your breasts bounce with each stroke, mouth left open with pathetic whines. Johnny loves to see you all fucked out, waiting patiently for his turn with you. "My pretty baby loves to be fucked, isn't that right?"

 “Ah yes, it feels so so good, don’t stop please Jae.” Jaehyun grabs your throat, pulling your back to his chest. “I won’t stop until you cum all over me. Can you do that, sweetheart?” He fucks into you so hard, all you can manage to say is yes over and over, getting lost in your headspace. Johnny skillfully attacks your clit again with his fingers, and before you know it you’re cumming again. Jaehyun pulls out, your tight walls becoming too much for him. Johnny helps you ride out your high, smoothing his hand over your thigh to help you calm down. He picks up the vibrator, the sound of it making your nerves tingle.

 “No, wait, that’s too much,” you try to beg him not to use it because you cannot handle that. He only gives a light chuckle before grabbing your waist to lay you down on your back. He puts one leg over his shoulder, sliding in and pressing the toy to your abused clit. You slap a hand over your own mouth, the lewd sounds from you making you embarrassed. Jaehyun has a better way of shutting you up. He kneels by your head, moving your hand and telling you to open up. You welcome him into your mouth, sliding your tongue along his member. You can’t help moaning on his dick when Johnny is fucking you so well.

“You love this like the little slut you are. Can’t get enough of two dicks.” Johnny puts a hand on your abdomen, pushing down and sliding into you slowly. “Can you feel me right here? You can barely take me baby girl.” Johnny knows what he’s doing and he does it so well. Jaehyun begins to thrust into your mouth, chasing his high. Every fiber in your being is stimulated, you can feel an orgasm harder than the other ones coming. Johnny slamming his hips into yours and the vibrations on your bundle of nerves is so overwhelming, you come undone with a loud cry, legs shaking uncontrollably.

 Johnny throws the vibrator down, leaning down and keeping your leg on his shoulder, your walls getting unbelievably tight with each thrust. Not too long after, he’s painting your walls white, filling you up with his warm cum. Jaehyun quickly grabs your face, shoving into your mouth as he cums down your throat, making you swallow it all. You feel so worn out and used, Johnny collapsing on top of you. Jaehyun runs a hand through his hair, all sweaty from tonight’s events.

 “Oh my god,” you laugh once you collect yourself. “I can’t believe we did that.”

 “What, having regrets already?” Johnny muffles into your chest.

 You shove him off of you, getting out of bed to grab a towel from the closet.

 “I’ll be in the shower if anyone wants to join,” you tease, knowing they can’t keep their hands to themselves.