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biteghost · 3 years

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How do you come up with so many cool characters?? All of your OCs seem so vibrant and fleshed out. Do you have a specific process for developing them, or do they just kinda come to you mostly formed? I find I struggle with building a compelling OCs for D&D games & would love to hear your thoughts on character development.

(This answer got long, sorry.) This is a super nice sentiment, I’m happy you think my characters are all cool and unique!!

As far as process goes, uh, it depends on the character? I’ve spent a long time (years) rewiring my brain when it comes to what I think about when creating OCs. They don’t usually come to me fully formed - I get an idea in my head about a concept, and then over like a week or even months of fiddling I end up with a character for that concept.

A lot of the time my characters are simply people I wanted to see more of in media as a kid! Mostly, female characters I actually relate to or are as nuanced and messy as their male cast members, haha... (It was a trip when I realized in high school that I didn’t hate female characters - it was actually that none of them were written as well as the cool boys in the anime series I liked, haha! Be the change you want to see in the world, basically.)

Inspiration for characters (and stories for them to be part of) come from a lot of places. An easy piece of advice is to make an effort to intake media you like! Read new comics, watch new movies and television shows, read books, play video games, listen to music and obsessively memorize the lyrics - hell, obsessively learn everything there is to know about black holes or public domain characters (that’s what I did, lol...)!

(Note: ’New’ meaning new to YOU - you don’t need to only be partaking of media that’s created in 2021 - you can find a lot to love in media that was created before your time, or for generations before you!)

I must reiterate: intake new media that you ENJOY! You don’t have to like all the same things as everyone else, you don’t have to be invested in the same shows and podcasts as your friends. Varied interests and taste is part of what makes us all unique! Increasing your pool of inspiration will help you come up with interesting ideas, and help you find YOUR voice. Your particular interests and the niche things that speak to you will help you figure out what kind of characters and what kind of stories you like to create! But the process doesn’t end at just intaking media... When you find the stuff that brings you joy, analyze what exactly it is about that thing that speaks to you... Put it into words. Explain it to a friend. Make it tangible, analyze the feelings and why the series made you feel that way... and then take it and shove it into your own stories, lol!

Engage critically and thoughtfully with work you like, with characters you like, and it will help you have the language and thought process to recreate it in your own work!

My creative process is like an exquisite corpse of all the characters and series I’ve liked over my lifetime. I mesh them all together in a grim blender and what comes out is a shake in the vague shape as an OC, lol

BUT... it seems like you’re asking more specifically about making characters for tabletop roleplaying games like D&D? And THAT is a different process for me than making OCs for my comics or original story ideas!

I don’t usually join a tabletop game with a fully fleshed out character, actually?? I don’t spend a long time on their backstory, and I usually figure it out like halfway through the story, or through collaboration with my game master!

My TTRPG characters are usually whatever I think would be most interesting in the given game setting or set-up and... usually they exist in opposition to whatever the core concept of the game is. So, the examples I have from games I’ve played are:

In Cardians: West (World of Darkness: Hunter the Vigil): we played in a modern-day urban fantasy setting, where players were recruited into a supernatural Hunter group that was also a criminal organization that Did Crimes and Broke The Law in the name of keeping peace and protecting humanity from the supernatural creatures that go bump in the night. I played Andrew, a Lawful Good Police Detective, because I thought playing a character who would need to grow past his original ideals of ‘Right and Wrong’ in the name of the greater good would be interesting! (And it was!)

In SINNING ADVENTURE (WoD: Geist: The Sin-Eaters) we payed in a modern-day urban fantasy setting with the premise that the players all Died and were brought back to life by forming a pact with a powerful spirit (and getting cool ghost powers in the process!) I played Cassius, a character who could not cope with his death, and thus refused to use his new powers because they were evidence that he was no longer strictly human. It caused conflict in the group and world, but I thought it would be interesting! (And it was! Cassius was a Bitch.)

In Rex Machina (Dungeons and Dragons 5E), I wanted to play an Aarakocra, but was having a hard time deciding on a class or backstory... until I found out that in the ‘canon’ of D&D Aarakocra only live to be like, mid 20s???? Their lifespans are insanely short compared to other playable races!! And I thought that was stupid, so I decided to make MY Aarakocra, Izzy, a warlock that’s looking for ways to extend his own stupidly short life. His pact essentially granted that to him, giving him extra time to find a way to achieve True Immortality. His conflict challenges what’s ‘true’ living in this world, and his extended life is in direct conflict with a lot of forces in the world we play in, and while it is very stressful I think it’s really interesting to play!

In Lamplighting (Monster of the Week), my character Aicen is an assassin who made a deal with a demon and gained supernatural perks out of it... except I decided that she doesn’t WANT to be in this deal. She is actively trying to undo it because it wasn’t her deal - she inherited it from a CEO that she killed during an unrelated job. (Aicen is probably my character I’ve put the most backstory into, and that’s just because at character creation in MOTW you are given a lot of questions about who your character is and why they’re where they are!)

In Hand of Adam (WoD: HtV), the concept was that all players were going to join a post-apocalyptic supernatural-hating cult. I played Shouter, who was a self-preserving pacifist coward who also turned out to be a fae (which the cult would have killed him over). It was stressful but very fun. I love Shouter. He ran away from fights and didn’t actually kill anyone until the last episode where they fought God (whom he killed, lol).

NOW. THESE ARE ALL JUST EXAMPLES OF HOW *I* LIKE TO PLAY CHARACTERS!! For me personally, I enjoy playing a character who has built-in conflict either with the world, the story, or the other players. I’m only able to play characters like this because my friend group are all really cool and we all know that conflict is not bad - it’s fiction and we’re just roleplaying! If I didn’t trust my GMs and fellow players as much as I do, I probably wouldn’t have felt comfortable enough playing some of these concepts.

I don’t think you need to know every little thing about a tabletop character, and in fact, not knowing some things and leaving it up to the GM and story to flesh out is an easy way to help you get more invested in both your character AND the story your GM is telling! Tabletops are a collaborative storytelling experience, so if you’ve already plotted out your character’s whole story, there won’t be much participation from other players or your GM. Figure out what your character wants, and let your roleplaying and GM slowly put all the other pieces in place over the course of your campaign!

But the TL:DR about how I make tabletop OCs is that I just... try to give them a goal, an ideal, or a personality that is in direct conflict with some aspect of the game we’re playing. I don’t want the character to be undermining the whole game, because that’s really crappy to do to your GM, but I have to have something for my character to grow through or change. I like giving them built-in character arc starters, lol. I haven’t played a game where my character has gotten along with every other player character and NPC over the entire campaign since my very FIRST game, lol!

Also, if you’re having trouble, why not ask your GM what they think? Again, tabletops are collaborative! Don’t be afraid to talk ideas out with your GM for your character.

A final note about playing in specifically oneshot games (i.e. games that are not long campaigns but are meant to be played in one or two sittings). Personally, I always just retrofit an OC I already have to play in oneshots! When I make a new character for a long campaign, it usually takes me two or three sessions to find their voice and figure out how to roleplay them. If the game you’re playing is only one session, I find it easier to jump right in and get the most out of your character and the game when you’re playing a character you already know pretty well! I’ve played characters from my webcomic quite a few times, and it’s always a lot more fun for me than figuring out a new character on the fly!

SO UH, IN CONCLUSION... sorry if this is mad unhelpfu!! My personal processes are unique to me! but that's the point - no one person will have the exact answer that works for you! You have to keep trying until you figure it out for yourself! Good luck! Keep creating! <3

#long post #asktime #not art #art talk #writing talk #tabletop talk #gif #iwishihadhorns

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c-is-for-circinate · 4 years

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Y’all this episode had everything I could possibly have wanted and things I never even knew to wish for.

How did one episode start with Henry Crabgrass, the most glorious and beloved NPC of my heart, and end with mother fucking Avantika, with so much awesome shit in between!!! How!!!

Okay I am making a list of shit I absolutely loved tonight, in approximate chronological order:

Y’all I just love Henry Crabgrass so much. I don’t even have smart things to say about that fact, just a warm glow in my heart. May all the light of Melora’s grace smile down upon them and leave Henry as the toughest, most unkillable patch of crabgrass in all Exandria.

Vess and the Tombtakers, so many questions and so few certain answers, so many things to wonder, so many dots to connect! I really do feel like the crew are connecting them at this point, and while I’m sure in some places they’re far from the map, the general outline really is starting to emerge. What, exactly, was in the book the Tombtakers tried to claim without showing it to Vess deRogna first? What did it do to Lucien? And, if Vess has the book--what are they trying to find now?

So okay, let’s talk about Yasha and Beau. As someone who has had a lot of feelings about the intense relatability of Beau’s crush on Jester, I have now fully committed to also having a whole lot of mostly new feelings about these terrible awkward disaster lesbians with no fucking idea what they’re doing. I saw a post the other day mention how this whole relationship is about the feeling of discovering you can have this, that you can actually be happy, that you get to have this kind of relationship with someone. I’ve written about that. And I feel it so, so hard, every time I see them interact, when every bit of bravado leaves both of them. It’s so easy to be off-putting! It’s so easy to have crushes on wonderful people you kind of wish would look at you but you’re absolutely sure never will. It’s so hard to actually know what the fuck to do in the face of wait shit this might actually be a thing I could get for real? how? wait, how???

Also let’s talk about Jester in that scene, who ships Beauyasha harder than anything in the world??? Because yes, right, some of it is just that Jester loves romance, and some of it’s that Jester gets very invested in the happiness of her friends, but that is a lot of investment there. And I can’t help wondering if there’s a little dimension of...she wants to see True Love and Happily-Ever-After work. And she’s delighted to see it work for her friends who she loves, and when it comes true they’ll be happy and she loves that, but also I don’t know that Jester’s ever actually seen two people fall in love with each other and enter into a healthy, happy relationship before. But hey, all of her books say this wonderful magical thing exists, and now it seems to actually be showing up for her friends? Of course she wants to see it. Of course she wants it to be just as magical and wonderful as in all her stories, even if it’s not for her. (And maybe especially if it’s not for her, but I think that’s a whole separate post about Jester and her very high passive insight and all the people who are in love with her and the very specific ways she treats each of them.)

I love Yeza. Don’t we all love Yeza? He’s trying so hard. It’s always great to see Yeza for that kind of wide-eyed outsider POV on the M9 shenanigans, and I love it. He made a comment this episode about meeting goblins while living in Rosohna, and everything that’s happened to him really hit me in a while new way. Usually I think about how he’s had his life turned upside down by all of this, but man, just think how much he’s seen that he never in a million years would have begun to expect to experience! This smalltown alchemist from a pastoral little farming city in the middle of the Dwendalian midwest has lived for a significant amount of time as a housekeeper in the capitol city of the Krynn Dynasty. He must have gone to the markets and met the neighbors and learned the streets and the food, and who had he ever known in his whole life who could say such a thing? He lived with the Ruby of the Sea in Nicodranas by the ocean. He’s been to Zadash, now, and it’s only a matter of time before he sees Rexxentrum. How much farther will he go? (Man, I would love some good Yeza fic once this campaign is over. I think it’s going to take that long for me to really know how his story arc ends.)

Someone was posting earlier this episode about witnessing Vess scare Yeza so badly, and insight into how the Nein are starting to run in circles that really outstrip the people they used to know. Watching Pumat in the wake of being Informed By Lady de Rogna That He Would Put A Rush On That has really hammered it home. They remarked, in their very M9 somewhat idle vaguely ridiculous way that they wanted the icebreaker, and one tiny snowman later Vess had pulled rank and money and rerouted the ship’s entire passage for them. She’s scary--and with her, the M9 have the kind of power that’s scary, too. And that’s always such an interesting moment. The M9 are used to thinking of themselves as people with very little, who have to fight and scrap and get lucky for their own survival all the time. And yes, they’re utterly careless with money--why not be, when it comes and goes and almost none of them have ever really seen it help or last? And yes, they’re prone to violence and sometimes pretty rude. But before now, it’s always been a situation where the M9 acting loud, rude, and demanding could be chaotic underdogs scrapping to get what they needed or wanted from people who had the option of saying no. Suddenly they’re in a position where the balance of social situations is biased in their favor instead of against them. There’s such a difference between ‘please accede to my unreasonable request because I have a high charisma and will pay you lots of gold’, and, ‘you’re going to accede to my unreasonable request because otherwise my Cerberus Assembly boss may or may not have you assassinated’. The M9 have never been on this side of that before. I’m very curious to see how much they notice that they are now.

PALADIN OATH PALADIN OATH PALADIN OATH! I was not paying nearly enough attention when that scene started, so I am going to need to watch it again and also make extra sure to read any available source material on this specific homebrew oath, because it’s probably not exactly the same as the Oath of the Sea homebrew you can find on google. There’s some overlap between the abilities there and the ones Fjord already have, and the vows don’t quite match up, though some of them are close. Ugh, mostly I’m just so glad it has happened and Fjord has promised and he means it, he means it so much. He rest-of-his-life means it, and my heart belongs to Fjord who couldn’t even imagine the rest of his life as a thing separate from the monotony of his first thirty years, so very recently.

I actually always really love when CR has episodes at sea? Obviously the M9 have done it the most, but Vox Machina went sailing a time or two as well, and it’s just always so great. It’s often days of down time in a way that overland travel isn’t, and the party fills it with so many good little moments. Matt always gives them such cool encounters. On boats, spending a week at a time getting from one place to another, so much of the chaos of rewriting a plan seventeen times in an hour gets stripped away: they’re headed towards a destination, sometimes something comes up to deter them, and they have to find a way to deal with it. There are always crew members and the structure of a boat itself to take into consideration in any combat that pops up. It’s just such a nice tone, and I also love that the ocean itself kind of hates them now because it adds really delightful additional risks, and anyway heck yeah ocean voyage.

WHICH ENDS IN UNDEAD AVANTIKA ATTACKING THE SHIP WITH A TRIO OF CRAB-MEN AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE HOLY FUCK. Look, I think M9 becoming pirates by accident and then trying to figure out wtf might actually be my favorite arc of this campaign so far, and every time it comes back I get so so happy. I’ve got some feelings about this showing up in the same episode as Fjord finally taking his full oath to the Wildmother. They are going to have to kill U’kotoa before this campaign is through. They are going to have to, because Fjord will never be safe on the ocean again if they don’t, and Fjord has bound himself by vow and will in service as the Wildmother’s paladin of the open sea. She hasn’t asked it of him, not specifically, but it’s his job. It’s going to be his job. In part it’ll be because it’s poetic justice, Fjord taking down the cruel demigod who (in some ways) made him. Mostly it’s just that killing U’kotoa is a job that needs to be done. To protect the oceans, the life they hold, the people who sail upon them, it’s going to need to be done. It’s Melora’s domain to do this, which means it’s her paladin’s job, and Fjord is her paladin of the sea. It’ll be him sooner or later.

I am so fucking delighted at the massive pile of fireworks on the deck of this ship, and I hope to god these Chekhovian bottle rockets go off before the end of this combat encounter, because this is, in fact, all I ever wanted the minute Beau put them in there.

#CR spoilers #episode 112

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your-turn-to-role · 4 years

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This is coming from a place of genuine confusion....but why does a sect of the fandom dislike Marisha so much?? Like, I haven't seen it for ANY of the other players. Is it a "wife/girlfriend of the DM" complex, because I've seen that before. Idk, I don't get it, and no amount of googling has made me understand lol.

yeahhhhhhh

okay, to preface, i absolutely disagree with all of the marisha hate, i think she's a great player and is really unfairly treated

but a couple reasons why this tends to be a thing:

1) just plain old regular misogyny, yeah. all the girls on cr get it to an extent, but it's stronger with marisha - the idea that dnd is inherently a man's game and therefore no woman could be good at it is pervasive even in this fandom, not outright, but in subtle things, like how people give the guys a lot more leeway to do dumb shit than the girls, and on dnd posts in the past i've seen comments like "this reads like how laura and marisha would describe dnd while their husbands facepalm in the background", which like... isn't really harmful on the surface, but i have a hard time imagining matt and especially travis ever facepalming at their wives genuine ideas? like if it's obviously meant to be something ridiculous and not taken seriously, sure, but otherwise, that subtle implication that they see travis as a better player than laura is just way off. (and matt has more dnd experience than marisha but like... she's still a very good player)

2) the keyleth instinct. so here's the thing about campaign one and the characters they chose to play - the majority of the cast played within their comfort zone. they branched out a lot for c2, and obviously they as people aren't identical to their vox machina counterparts, but they're not too far away either. liam's stated he irl would be a rogue, taliesin likes playing intelligent edgy teenage assholes bc he was one, laura is a bit more goofy than vex but she still thinks a lot the same, scanlan is very sam, travis is obviously a lot smarter than grog but he still fell very in line with the kind of character travis is comfortable playing and the things he wants to explore.

but marisha chose a character in campaign one who was completely the opposite of her natural self. marisha is confident and very take no shit and a natural leader, keyleth is awkward and shy and doubts herself and overthinks things and has really bad luck in basically everything she ever tries. and people watched campaign one and assumed all of those traits were just the way marisha was. if you aren't drawn to keyleth as a character, it's relatively easy to find ways to hate her (which again circles back to the misogyny a bit). they see keyleth constantly fuck up due to awkwardness and think "marisha doesn't know how to play the game". they see keyleth be a mess of a person socially and think "wow marisha's not a very good actor if she can't handle this", completely ignoring the fact that she is acting very well and it's proven by the fact that they think keyleth is marisha

(and while she still gets hate as either character, the keyleth hate was far worse than the beau hate)

3) people just, not getting what she's doing. i wasn't in the fandom for the early days of cr2, but i have friends who were, and they've said there were circles of the fandom where everything marisha did was in question, even people not believing beau was a lesbian when it's made obvious in episode one, because what if she's doing it on purpose as a scam? and like, to broaden that a bit, i think marisha's characters and their decisions get misread a lot. i personally happen to find both beau and keyleth very relatable, so i usually get where they're coming from (mostly, bowlgate i was more on caleb's side there, but i still don't think she deserves hate for it), but to people who don't, or just haven't put effort into trying to understand marisha's characters, then between keyleth's awkwardness and beau's abrasiveness i think the majority of what they pick up from marisha's characters is negative

which is a shame, because they're both really good, well thought out, interesting characters.

4) this is going into my own meta for a bit, but, something i've found about marisha's characters is they're quite down to earth and very easily the viewpoint character of the group, in a way? like obviously it's an ensemble cast, but like... let's take keyleth. campaign one starts and ends with her. the very first adventure is triggered by her leaving home for the first time, to start her aramente. she's led a sheltered life up to this point, she doesn't know the world she's walking into - so we learn about this fantasy world at the same time she does. she has the most linear and easy to follow development, her aramente spans most of the story, and once it's done things only get more centered on her. she's now a leader of her people, she's fulfilled her destiny, but that means she lives so long all her worst fears are coming true - that she'll have to spend the rest of her life alone. how did we learn this was her biggest fear? because she's been scared since the start of losing vax, but the reason she has him at all is she resolved to not let that fear control her. and then as the endgame comes in, she suddenly has to face that head on. vax has a week left to live. barely two days after, they run into sprigg - someone who lived so long after all his friends died that he's lost himself, forgotten them, become a hermit of a person who's just living because he's got nothing better to do - everything keyleth believes she will become, and fears so much. but he proves she can still choose to remember them, and choose to live in their absence, not just survive. keyleth is the one who seals away vecna, who's grown so much in her power since that little scared druid girl, she can banish a god. and our story ends with her, and her father, and a raven - she's moving on, she's living, she's thriving, but she'll never forget.

if i was gonna write out vox machina's story as a novel, there is no character who would better suit being the protagonist than her

it's a bit less strong with beau, but she's still one of the more relatable characters, she's a human, who had a rebellious teenage years because of shitty overbearing parents, she's not a magic user, she's from the country we start in (and doesn't have a dark dangerous mystical secret like caleb and veth), a lot of the big turning points in the story have had her take the lead, it's the relative mundanity that gives a contrast to and lifts up the others, while still being a highly interesting character in her own right. beau is a grounding force of the mighty nein.

i personally like those kinds of characters, but i've noticed in almost all fandoms with a main character and then a group of side characters, the main character is rarely anyone's fave, overlooked in favour more (subjectively) interesting side characters, but then because the story puts the focus on the main character, people get sick of them and start to hate them? and in this form of storytelling, there is no main character, but people sorta do that to those kinds of characters anyway. and in addition to all the other marisha stuff, that probably contributes

#but hey marisha's awesome and i love her and more people should appreciate her characters #crit role cast #marisha ray #cr1 #cr2 #keyleth #beauregard lionett #text #meta #cr thoughts #ask #critical role #annalise-inks

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key-kid-edits · 3 years

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OH MY GOD THEY ARE ADORABLE

I'm fucking obsessed with their designs!!! could u share some info about them :0? They are just so sgksvzzvjz /pos

oooo!! thank you!! i’ll give you their bios i use for the rp they are in!! ((link is here!! we always can take more members =:)) https://disboard.org/server/788434128906354700 ))

here’s their submissions!!

———

name: terava apidae

pronouns: they/she/bee

age: 11 sweeps

sign: gemex (fanmade)

caste: goldblood

chumhandle: technoidApiarist

lunar sway: derse

god tier: seer of space

mutation: n/a

description: ~3’6 (3’10 with platforms)

personality: snarky, pessimistic, and antisocial, terava is a relatively prickly troll. bee prefers their robots and inventions over other trolls; spending most of her time shut in bees hive tinkering over their newest passion project. when faced with other trolls, terava prefers to be distant, until she gets riled up. on provocation, bee becomes vindictive and troublesome, choosing to goad trolls into fights and mess with people. they have fun scamming trolls out of their wallets and getting others riled up, leading bee to not have many friends. who needs friends when you have robots

5 positive traits: fair, intelligent, sarcastic, kind (but not nice), passionate

5 negative traits: fatalistic, prickly, hot-tempered, stubborn, goading

likes: technology, robotics, building, tinkering, drawing blueprints, messing with people, having debates on online forums, racing

dislikes: being called short, highbloods in general, being interrupted while working, grocery runs, being ignored when they are trying to get someone's attention, blatant ignorance of proven facts

extras: pan-aroflux asexual

bee has a bee-shaped backpack that hides bioware they created for herself that interfaces with bees body, which includes spider legs and their wings. think an irken pak from invader zim.

zzz Beez typing quirk iz very intereztin zzz

———

name: valere corsla

pronouns: she/ae/pri

age: 10.5 sweeps

sign: andromeda

caste: fuchsia

chumhandle: amorousIdol [AI]

lunar sway: prospit

god tier: witch of heart

mutation: n/a

description: 13'6"

personality: valere is the sweetest troll you will ever meet. kind and compassionate, she is the kind of person to greet you with a kiss on the cheek and a big bear hug. ae truly love everyone she meets, loving to talk to and smother aer friends with affection. valere is also quite naive about the world, living in her little bubble of perfection and not leaving often. val likes to think ae knows what her people need and what’s best for them, though ae are really blind to the actual struggles of those lower than her on the hemospectrum. valere can also be spoiled, thinking everything comes easy and not understanding the real work that needs to be put into getting what she wants. valere wants to be the best leader ae can be, despite needing a reality check to what prin's people truly need.

5 positive traits: kind, sweet, gentle, compassionate, cheerful

5 negative traits: self-absorbed, naive, unintentionally manipulative, stubborn, spoiled/entitled

likes: sweets, singing, karaoke, dancing, being with other trolls, hanging out with her adoring fans, flirting

dislikes: other people being sad around her (makes her uncomfortable), being proven wrong, being belittled, being spoken over, being dirty

extra: valere is a pop idol!! ae campaign for her subject’s love and adoration through aer music and performances, often throwing charity concerts and parties to win peoples’ favor. aer stage name is <al3ntin3.

gynoromantic pansexual

Ɛ> <al3r3’s typing styl3 is full of h3arts!! <3

- mod sprikey

#fantrolls #trolls #our ocs #homestuck #mod sprikey #💖

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atltexts · 3 years

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(1-0) THE CONTROVERSIAL SIGH OF RELIEF

OK... good morning

I can’t believe I have to seriously explain why this is not a r*pe score, but here we go 🥴

I was there the day BVH was exonerated in April. Waiting for the outcome, I stayed up all night, making sure I would be available if anything bad were to come of this. This wasn’t anything new for me. When the letter came in, BVH immediately broke down in tears. At first, I didn’t know what he was feeling and asked him a number of times what it said. I couldn’t make what he was saying, then he just kept repeating “not guilty, not guilty”

We really thought this nightmare would be over from there. This was a huge sigh of relief and as anyone would, BVH felt intense emotion in that moment.

PRECURSOR FOR CONTEXT: BVH was not a religious person prior to any of this, but on December 15 2020, he suffered from his first sleep paralysis episode. Sleep paralysis is more prone to happen to a person when they are either under immense pressure or are deeply depressed. He felt a malign presence in his bedroom & his knee-jerk reaction was to immediately start praying Psalm 91. When this happened, all the noise around him subsided, the presence left, and he was able to gain control over his body again. Since that day, he has prayed the rosary every night before going to sleep. This gave him hope, something to believe in.

CELEBRATING INNOCENCE? THANKING GOD? NOT ON MY WATCH, BUCKO: Just like how his knee-jerk reaction was to pray to banish the sleep paralysis influence, his knee-jerk reaction to being exonerated was to publicly praise god. He asked me “should I write this?” And i paused, thinking it was a little strange, but I also didn’t want to ruin his moment, so I said yes. It was benign! What could possibly happen!!

He was immediately kicked out of the group after a girl weaponized his religion to call him ugly (67+ students liked this!). Another girl wrote “finally,” and comments continued from there. Of course, everyone but BVH got off the hook and BVH was penalized for being “unprofessional.”

Not only was he penalized for being “unprofessional”, but he was also penalized for being happy! “How dare you be happy the day your accuser lost, you should feel sadness and remorse!!!” Yup… he had to go through empathy coaching for this. Wish I was kidding.

BEWILDERING INTERPRETATIONS: We later found out that this was misinterpreted as a r*pe score. “He’s saying he did it before and he will do it again.” Initially, there weren’t that many complaints (maybe 2-3), but when these students instructed other students to do the same, the number obviously increased greatly. So far, over 30 complaints have been filed — while the initial ones were about the Title IX investigation & the Group Me post, the last handful of them said “I don’t care if she couldn’t prove it, I know something bad happened.”

GLOATING SHMOATING: That night, the school sent a mass e-mail to all students about “gloating over the misfortunes of others”, but as they usually do, they denied this. I guess there are just that many coincidences, even though they themselves accused him of… ‘gloating’ over the misfortunes of others.

THE COURTEOUS ADMINISTRATOR: Also that night, BVH got a separate e-mail from an administrator demanding they have an urgent meeting. On this “courtesy call” as the administrator called it, he told BVH to “watch himself” and abruptly hung up on him. BVH was literally just chilling. At least BVH got his 5 minutes of relief before the distortion campaign got stronger over his praise for God, I suppose.

QUESTIONABLE PETITIONS: Soon after, the student leadership wrote & circulated a petition for “the expulsion of (BVH)”. I don’t hold it against the people who I signed it. Not knowing the depth of the situation, it’s understandable and also scary to be seated in a classroom with someone you think is unsafe to be around. In the petition, they suggest BVH is a narcissist (it really said “narcissist” in it), further and deliberately spreading more misinformation. They write that he is too unprofessional to become a physician and was “accused of gender-based violence”. Even though BVH wrote literally nothing about the Title IX investigation, this petition states that he is, again, “gloating over the misfortunes of others,” that he’s deliberately trying to intimidate, share people’s private information, abuse social media, lacks empathy, and “implicit threat of future abuse.” None of this is true (and it’s all written like it’s fact — which is pretty unprofessional). Just some more malicious fabrications in attempts to get him kicked out. It also says “reports of comments that devalue his peers” which, as someone who knows him well, I highly doubt is true. He cares too much about his education to put his peers down. The petition proceeds to say “gender-based violence cannot be tolerated”, suggesting their own opinions are fact, further strengthening the distortion campaign. Given the way the petition was carefully written, I don’t blame people for trusting student leadership and taking it seriously. They also say, as though it is fact, that the school’s inaction is jeopardizing BVH’s future patients…. Anyway, I’ll bite my tongue & move on.

MORE TRIALS, BEFORE MORE TRIALS. WHY NOT: The school sent him to the pious court of the medical school for a second trial. He had to explain the story of why he posted the Group Me comment, and for the 3rd time he was exonerated, but it didn’t end there… To this day, the Committee on Students is still having periodic hearings most recently because his empathy coaching as about “having empathy i ngeneral, not about the Group Me post specifically.” Why he needs empathy coaching, or why it’s called “empathy coaching” is beyond me.

OVEREXERTING BVH, HE MUST PAY FOR BEING BULLIED! MAKES SENSE TO ME: The medical school refused to accept the Title IX decision so they did an additional review of the investigation report of the title IX process. He has been assigned to do multiple assignments, attend multiple meetings, to the point that, with the added stress, I don’t think any other student would be capable of doing. He was barely granted an extension for his schoolwork or any accommodations for that matter. BVH doesn’t matter to them, they only do what benefits ATL (post with proof pending… there’s a lot to uncover). They even changed the rules of an assignment on him after he had submitted a really nice paper, so he had to write a new one.

IGNORING EMOTIONAL NEEDS DESPITE FILING “CARE” REPORTS!: The medical school is still, to this day, giving him an extremely hard time. I am a person with a physical disability & I had to drop out of school to be BVH’s support system to do what the medical school should have done. I am deteriorating by the day and this is how I am spending my life. I have read many books to BVH, teaching him meditation & mindfulness. I have found him the absolute best puppy I could find to help him cope. I have cried with him (makes the puppy cry too). I have been available every day to witness and experience this with him, and believe me when I say, every day a new issue arises. And believe me when I also say…. BVH is extremely careful, has done nothing but kept to himself & follow given instructions (other than quitting his dream to become a physician). I have called the school and spoke to several different professionals, begging that someone AT LEAST provides him an ounce of emotional support. I even filed an elaborate concern form (CARE report) I found on the CWRU website. All without BVH’s knowledge I’ve been trying to make things happen for him behind the scenes. Again, they know he is in pain. I can’t work, and I can’t afford to eat or pay rent on my own — I should be focusing on starting a business, but all my energy is going into making things right for BVH, because, yes, he genuinely has it worse. That’s what friends are for! I am not trying to victimize myself (anonymous person here). He never once asked me to do any of the things I’ve done. If anything, he feels guilty that I am still by his side. Without pay, I am doing their job full time while being bedridden and in excruciating pain. I am overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, and disappointed that the school does not stand by the values they claim to have… if I feel this way, if this is the only thing I can think about, imagine how BVH feels.

EMPLOYEES WHO HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION, PLEASE DO NOT FEEL GUILTY: I know that most of the staff feels for BVH. I don’t blame the staff who deals with BVH directly. I blame whoever is giving them these instructions. The person who is being CC’d on all the e-mails even though he chose to ‘step out of the situation’. Most likely, he will try to pin my actions on BVH, because that’s how the hierarchy of this school works. This is why no one can say anything, we’re all afraid that if we stand up for BVH it is going to hurt his education — BVH is even afraid to ask a question in class because he could literally sneeze and surely someone will google “the meaning of sneezes” to find a way to twist things, and the school will penalize him (totally OK for someone to call him ‘scum of the earth’ while he’s leading a discussion though). I don’t get why this man has such a hard on for BVH (with peace & love), and I’ll leave it at that.

#1-0 #CWRU maltreatment #exoneration #highlights

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a-libra-writes · 4 years

Text

How the GoT Characters Confess To You

Lordy, this took waaaay too long, didn’t it? That’s silly work schedules and chronic migraines for ya. Some lil drabs are a little more dramatic than others 😅

If I missed someone you love, please give tidings to my ask box and I’ll add em~

In this preference, you'll be confessed to by: Ned Stark, Robb Stark, Sansa Stark, Jon Snow, Benjen Stark, Jory Cassel, Dolorous Edd, Yara Greyjoy, Daenerys Targaryen, Jorah Mormont, Missandei, Grey Worm, Tywin Lannister, Tyrion Lannister, Jamie Lannister, Sandor Clegane, Bronn, Petyr Baelish, Stannis Baratheon, Davos Seaworth, Margaery Tyrell, Brynden Tully, Edmure Tully, Brienne of Tarth, Ramsay Bolton, Roose Bolton, Oberyn Martell, Beric Dondarrion

NED STARK

Truth be told, Ned was already catching feelings when you two were courting. It was obvious in how kindly he treated you when you visited Winterfell, how he’d light up when you both talked. You thought it was cute how he was a little red in the cheeks at your wedding ceremony, and you talked through the feast.

It was fairly obvious to everyone that you both were a good match. Ned didn’t plan to spill out his feelings right away, he was confident that you knew, but during the bedding ceremony he thought you looked absolutely beautiful against the firelight.

“What’s the matter, Ned? You’re staring,” You teased as you unlaced your dress.

He placed his hand over your’s and began unlacing it himself. “I’m happy you’re finally here with me, Y/N. … I love you.”

ROBB STARK

Honestly, Robb had been smitten with you since you first met as children. You just had such a bright personality and natural kindness, he found plenty of chances to talk with you and learn more about you. When you visited, you two would find each other right away and spend all day running around and talking. He started to hope that maybe, just maybe his parents and your's would consider a marriage offer, especially as you grew into such a beautiful lady.

When the war broke out, he knew his desires would have to be set aside, but Robb couldn't leave Winterfell until he told you how he felt. Even if you didn't see him in that way, he had to say it. Robb paced around his room a few times as he thought about what to say. He'd be riding out tomorrow; he had to tell you before he left.

Robb woke up early the next morning and beelined for you. He asked you to accompany him to the Godswood.

"What's this about, Robb?" You asked. He looked beside himself. When you reached out to take his hand, he pulled you into a tight hug and his rehearsed words went out the window.

"Y/N, I have to say it. I love you. I always have, I think, from the beginning." His cheeks were as red as his hair, but the words were all spilling out now. "When I go South, and I come back -- I want you to be my wife, if you'll have me as your husband."

SANSA STARK

You met at the tourney celebrating Ned's appointment, and you two hit it off right away. You were inseparable, and even when the worst came for her, you refused to leave Sansa's side. They'd have to imprison you along with her. Sansa was sure you were special to her, something more than just a friend or protector.

She was positive about this when you stood up for her in the middle of court, at great risk to yourself. You knew your family wouldn’t be pleased, let alone the bastard king. In her chambers, she fixed your bloody lip and your hair, looking less upset and more angry. “I can’t believe this, how could they - you’re a lady!” She fumed.

“You’re a Stark, and they’re plenty cruel to you, Sansa. I’m minor house by comparison.”

She kept talking, almost as if she didn’t hear your comments. “The Lannisters are so cruel, they take everything - my father, my sister - then they hurt the person I love…"

"What?" You blinked.

Sansa just realized what she said. She hesitated, then wrapped her arms around you in a crushing hug. "You're the most important person I have, Y/N. I can't stand the thought of them doing something to you, too."

JON SNOW

He crushed on you early into your friendship, and he only noticed it after he was way, way too far gone. Jon told himself that he’d never say anything, though - you deserved better than a bastard, and you’d probably be married off to whoever, anyway. It hurt to think about, but it was for the best, he told himself. He’d only burden you if he confessed his feelings.

Jon didn’t begin to change his mind until, like he feared, you were going to be married off to a lord you had zero interest in. You were telling him about it with tears in your eyes, and he squeezed your hands even tighter and had you sit down. He listened to you, his heart tightened with every word. When you had gotten it all out and leaned against his shoulder, Jon just had to blurt it out.

“Y/N, I know it’s stupid to say this now. I should’ve said it earlier, but ...” He pushed his doubts down and continued. “I love you, no matter what happens. I always will.”

BENJEN STARK

You always sought him out when he visited Winterfell, first out of curiosity, then out of friendship once you two began to visit and talk more. Eventually that led to much more, and you enjoyed the time you had with him. You missed him terribly when he was gone, but you knew how seriously he took his duty to the Night’s Watch, even if he loved being with you, that came first.

Benjen did have his moments of guilt. He’d try to joke and tell you to look elsewhere for a lover, but that always made him feel bitter after he said it. He always loved it when you reassured him, in fact, he loved most things you did, even the mundane things. Benjen was quite aware when his feelings got too far, and he knew it was important to tell you.

He curled you into his arms, burying his face in your hair as he ran his hands down your bare back. “Are you asleep? Stay with me a little longer, Y/N. I want to tell you how much I love you. I want you to know that before I go.”

JORY CASSEL

Jory met you by chance in King’s Landing, when he got … a little turned around in the Red Keep, and happened to stumble upon you being harrassed by some man. You insisted to repay the favor by helping him find his destination. You thought it was cute how flustered he was around you, and you began to seek him out. As much as you enjoyed his company and your feelings for each other grew, there was always a dark cloud hanging over. You were above him in status, and your father expected you to marry some Crownslander, once he found someone suitable.

Your hand was tight over Jory’s as you both walked along the beach. The sea air was cool in the evening, and as scandalous as your father would find it, this was your favorite place to meet Jory. He was unusually quiet tonight.

Finally, he said, “Y/N. I heard about … I heard rumors your father was looking for a husband.”

“Yes. He wants someone close, preferably.” Your shoulder brushed his. “I wouldn’t mind going somewhere farther, though.”

Jory’s light chuckle didn’t sound right. “Even the North, my lady?”

“Why, are you offering?” You tried to joke, to ease the knot in your stomach.

He stopped, and took your other hand in his. “... I know it’ll just cause trouble to say this, but I love you, Y/N. It may not ever be possible, but if there’s even a chance… I’d want to take you back to North with me."

EDD TOLLETT

It was a cruel irony that the girl who seemed to light up this bleak place was also of the Watch, and only came to Castle Black a few times out of the month from Eastwatch. You two quickly made friends and sought each other out, and you were one of the few things he looked forward to in this bleak place.

He didn’t think you’d find him this early in the morning, especially since you didn’t often climb to the top of the wall. “Edd,” You called him, and it made his heart jump at once. “You’re looking at the wrong side.”

You grabbed his shoulders and he really thought he was on fire, even under all his layers and fur. You turned him toward the other side of the Wall, away from Castle Black. “If you want to brood and squint into nothing, do it where there’s actually nothing.”

Edd just sighed and you were actually worried. “What is it? Did something happen?”

“Aye, I was trying to decide if the gods have continued their spiteful campaign against me, or if they’ve actually thrown me a scrap and I’m too stupid to pick it up.” He turned to you and casually said, “Which is to say, I’m in love with you.”

YARA GREYJOY

Yara was not a woman of wordy sentiment, you knew this. It was just her way, and you were sure of her feelings by the way she protected you and kept you so close. It wasn’t just in bed, if you were within arm’s length and she wasn’t working on her ship or tending to whatever duties her father threw at her, she had you with her. Sometimes she’d pull you right in her lap, sometimes it was just an arm around your waist, sometimes it was a firm kiss to your neck before she left. You noticed she was spending less and less time with other men and women, until you were positive she was only seeing you.

“What’s with that look?” She asked as she walked into her cabin. She began pulling off her leather and smirked, looking you up and down. “Something on your mind?”

“You could say that.” You were dressed for bed, which meant you stole her shirt again. “I was just thinking about you.”

“What a coincidence.” Yara didn’t wait to remove everything. She already had you in her lap, and was pulling your collar lower. “I was thinking about you, too.”

“I’d be willing to bet I’m the only woman on your mind as of late,” You grinned. “I was thinking you’re very fond of me.”

The way the candlelight flickered in the cabin, you were allllmost sure she had a blush to her cheeks. Yara didn’t immediately respond, pushing you on your back and hovering over you. “Cheeky today, are we? How about I show you what I think of that?”

DAENERYS TARGARYEN

You had been there for Daenerys from the beginning, before she was khaleesi, and of course you supported her after, when her khalasar was at its smallest and most desperate. You weren’t Dothraki, but you believed in her and you protected her. More than that, you were her friend, someone she could trust. You may have felt deeper feelings - well, you did - but that was just another problem she didn’t need. You expected to keep it to yourself until the day you died.

That day came much, much sooner than you ever anticipated. An assassin had found its way into her palace in Meereen, and in defending her, you received a punishing stab to the abdomen.

You awoke in great pain, with Daenerys hovering above you, wiping the sweat from your brow. She helped you sit up, gave you a drink of water, and to your surprise … looked like she hadn’t slept in some time.

“How could you do something so careless?” Daenerys said, although she tried to sound angry, she just sounded tired and beside herself.

“I’m sworn to protect you, khaleesi, I was just --”

“Enough! Barristan and Jorah were there to help, but you just had to -- you just had to throw yourself in front of me.” She squeezed the rag in her hand. “Don’t ever do that again, Y/N. I won’t have the woman I love killed in front of me.”

JORAH MORMONT

Of course, it was easy to tell that Jorah was completely smitten with you, as he wears his feelings on his sleeves. You also pledged yourself to Daenerys, and as a result you and Jorah spent plenty of time together. Regardless if it was a battle or just a day at the market, there was a pretty obvious connection between you two. Jorah was pretty aware of it right away but he wanted to take his time and make sure you felt the same. Once he had his confidence, he was a bit beside himself, wanting to tell you once there was an opportunity.

Being a romantic, he had something nice planned. He knew what sorts of food and flowers you liked, so he was hoping to tell you on what was basically a date. It didn’t work out that neatly, unfortunately - an assassination attempt happened against Daenerys, and you both were quick to intercept. You took a nasty hit to the shoulder, and Jorah was the one who wanted to patch you up. He couldn’t believe you were still smiling, insisting you were fine.

Without thinking he took your hand and gave you a tired smile. “I’m glad you’re safe, Y/N. I love you … I have for some time. Please be kinder to my heart and look after yourself.”

MISSANDEI

She’d admired you and enjoyed your friendship for some time before she began to really consider telling you. Missandei knew she had strong feelings for you as soon as they happened, she was just worried what you’d think of her. Some days she was content to just be friends, but other days it was a source of anxiety.

Finally, Missandei decided to get it off her chest. She knew you were a kind person who would let her down gently - she was fairly certain you would. You both usually spent time together in the evening and you noticed she was being unusually quiet. You leaned against her shoulder. “Missy, what’s the matter?”

Why did you have to use the cute nickname now of all times? Missandei sighed and just let it out. “Y/N, I wanted to talk to you about my feelings. For some time, I’ve felt … very strongly for you. I care about you, and even if you don’t feel the same, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.”

GREY WORM

What brought his attention to you first is how kind you were. You offered to help him speak the common tongue and adjust to a somewhat normal life, even if he was still a sworn guard to Daenerys. You began teaching him to read and showing him new things to eat and see, so it wasn’t a surprise that he was growing smitten. He just wasn’t sure what to do about his feelings, and how to express them. He ended up needing some gentle pushing and advice from Missandei before he was fully comfortable.

You both were enjoying a rare day when it was beautiful outside and the two of you had a chance to talk. You decided to walk around the gardens surrounding the Great Pyramid, and he was glad to take your hand, as he often did. The urge to tell you just came to Grey Worm - somehow, it seemed right. “Y/N, I wanted to thank you, and tell you something. I want to protect you and keep you close.”

TYWIN LANNISTER

You did not expect this marriage. The reasoning was he needed a “proper” heir, and your powerful family wouldn’t settle for a Lannister cousin. You were pleasantly surprised that he was respectful and even gentle at times, even if there were times when you two had some friction. While he recognized your wit and intelligence, especially when it came to managing Casterly Rock, he wasn’t used to someone subtly speaking against him.

After giving him a son, who you loved more than anything, he was even more caring toward you, in his own ways. Tywin was becoming fond of you, even the little verbal spats you two would have behind closed doors. You were sure of his feelings, but you didn’t anticipate him to actually say anything. That wasn’t his way, after all.

It certainly came when you weren’t expecting it. It was a rare moment when he allowed himself to you hold you in your shared marriage bed, pulling you close and even running his fingers down your hair. He was tired, and it was late. His embrace had pulled you out of sleep. Just as you were dozing back off, you heard him say it against your temple.

TYRION LANNISTER

Tyrion initially pitied you and didn’t look forward to the marriage. He was sure it was some cruel joke by his sister, and your family was glad to wed you to any Lannister, especially since Jamie was unavailable. While he appreciated your polite acceptance, he figured you were actually miserable.

He wasn’t expecting your efforts to get to know him and you both began to find things you had in common. You’d read similar books, he often had you in stitches with the snide remarks he’d whisper to you during feasts and he couldn’t deny how sweet your smile was when he found something he knew you’d like. Tyrion actually fell for you in a short time, but he did what he could to not rush all the words out. He thought you’d be more content as friends, keeping a respectful distance. It’s what he owed you, he thought, especially since the court considered the marriage a funny little joke.

A particularly stressful dinner with you and his family, filled with Cersei giving you plenty of venom, had him well into his cups. You helped him as you both walked back to your royal apartments. “Tyrion, you really went too far this time,” You sighed. “You can’t listen to those terrible things she says, and you can’t investigate you like that.”

“She insulted you, I wasn’t about to let her --”

“Yes, I know, she often does. I can handle her. Please don’t aggravate her on my account.” You offered him water. “Drink all of this, or you’ll be miserable tomorrow.”

Your caring gestures and soft voice was just too much. Tyrion drunkenly blurted out, “I love you, Y/N. You’re too good for this.”

“I love you too, Tyrion,” You said easily, and he was so relieved he completely forgot about Cersei and the water. You had to set the latter aside while he pulled you into an embrace.

JAIME LANNISTER

You were absolutely sick when Jamie was captured. It was up to the gods if he was alive or dead. You knew you weren’t getting any information from Cersei, so you just had to wait, your head swirling with grief and madness. When word of his return was finally brought to you, he’s coming home, you cried alone. No one knew of your relationship, after all, least of all his family, his sister.

You told yourself you’d meet him some days after in his chambers, no one would suspect a thing. That plan was swiftly foiled when you accidentally crossed Jamie in a hall. You both stared at each other, before he closed the gap in just a second. You felt the air squeeze out of your body as he held you harder than he ever had before.

“Jamie,” You gasped, trying to hold back tears. “Gods, I was so -- I thought -- I’m so relieved -”

He had to say it now, because it was all he could think on that horrid road, when he was at his lowest. He couldn’t stop seeing you, and now you were here. He hadn’t said it before, and that was a mistake.

Jamie pulled from you, hardly giving you a moment to recover. “I love you,” He shuddered against you, burying his face in the crook of your neck. “I love you.”

SANDOR CLEGANE

You didn’t predict your relationship with Sandor would end up like this. He tried to dissuade you from your crush, only to be more than startled when you said you meant it. Once he became comfortable, he became more protective and possessive of you. Sandor was definitely developing feelings and it wasn't sitting well with him.

The way he held you so close when you two were together in bed, and he’d grunt when you’d have to leave in the morning, and all the marks he’d leave on your body - you began to notice his behavior, so when you both were curled up in bed, your cheek resting against his chest.

“Sandor.” You looked at him. Something was obviously bothering him, and he wouldn’t meet your eyes.

“Haven’t you had enough?” He finally said. “You could be doing better than a mangy dog watching a shit of a princeling.”

"I enjoy being with you. I care about you," You said, wondering if you should just blurt out your feelings, or if it would scare him away. “I love you.”

You felt him flinch, as if the words hurt him, and his heart was pounding in his chest. You were going to say more, but suddenly you were pulled into a tight embrace. “I love you too,” He grumbled against your hair, not wanting you to see his expression.

BRONN

You knew the mercenary cared for you more than he wanted to admit to himself, and it would be almost endearing if it wasn’t also infuriating. You could tell how unsure he’d get with your softer and more affectionate gestures, he wasn’t used to something like this. He probably denied it his whole life - the fact he could love or be loved in that way, the kind of way people daydreamed and wrote songs about.

You weren’t going to force him to say anything or commit, but gods, when would he realize it? You knew when he stopped seeing the whores, when he’d stay in your modest home despite having better quarters at the Red Keep, when he’d curl his lips at any mention of someone of higher birth trying to court you. His denial was palpable, and sometimes it hurt.

For gods’ sake, you were in his lap right now, cuddling. He wasn’t even trying to get you into bed. His feet were thrown up on the table and he was telling you some funny story about the city guards, but it was hard to pay attention. Bronn finally caught on. “What?”

“I think you have something to tell me, Bronn.”

He blinked, then tried to look away. You already caught the look in his eyes. “What’re ya talkin’ about?”

“You know.” You sighed, feeling like it was a little pointless. “Just once, even if you don’t mean it.”

“Hey,” He looked you in the eyes and ran his hand down your legs. “Ya know you’re important to me. You’re the most important thing in my sorry excuse for a life.”

PETYR BAELISH

From the beginning, Petyr had presented himself as an ally to you. At first it was to for the purpose of influencing your House, which had the court’s attention, but he quickly became interested in you personally. He began to like the slight smiles you gave him when court was in process and the way you liked to sit in the garden and read, looking pretty as a picture. He had a plan in place, slowly courting you and keeping your interest in him. Your parents would never consider him for a match, but he knew they’d listen to you.

He didn’t worry until he heard word of a sudden proposal given to your family. He immediately sought you out and found you hiding from the court, trying to hide your anger.

“Petyr,” You said, and even if he didn’t like the situation, he loved the way you so desperately said his name. “My parents, they listened to that horrid lord, they’re going to accept the betrothal.

He was quick to sit very close to you, taking your hand and leaning in as he spoke lowly. He wanted to make sure you knew he was serious. “So I’ve heard. You needn’t worry, little Y/N, I’ll take care of it. I love you, after all - I’d do anything to have you happy again.”

STANNIS BARATHEON

You both had been married for a time before Stannis began catching feelings, and it was slow process that he didn’t immediately notice. He appreciated how kind you were to him, how knowledgeable you were and your level-headedness. His appreciation began turning into admiration, and soon that was a crush that he was struggling to make sense of. He’d finally realize how strong they were when he had to leave you for a time, or worse, if he noticed you were enjoying someone else’s company. He’d start feeling loneliness and doubt, and would want to be at your side again.

Truthfully, he was hoping you say it first, he was waiting for it. Even if your actions to him and your child made it obvious, he still wanted to hear it. It wouldn’t be until he was feeling especially vulnerable in your shared bed, when you were curled up next to him and discussing some matter with the small council. You reassured him of his plans and rested against his chest, and he couldn’t help but pull you a little closer and mumble that he loves you.

DAVOS SEAWORTH

Your father swears fealty to Stannis Baratheon, and you often accompanied him to important meanings. You were a clever girl and observed the meetings closely, later discussing them with your father. Ser Davos spoke to you with respect, which was much better than most men gave you, and you began talking with him after meetings. You grew quite fascinated with him, and as the war began he was a source of kindness and comfort for you.

Davos felt guilty about his crush, and he denied such a thing, but he really did enjoy your company and wit. He thought he was too old for you, and too low of status. Anytime he saw you, he found it difficult to disguise his feelings, especially when you’d be so sweet and make him laugh. You noticed he was especially troubled, and you took both of his hands and entwined his fingers with your’s. It wasn’t helping his beating heart.

“Davos, what’s the matter? You aren’t usually so nervous.” You smiled and tried to ease him, and he liked that you were comfortable just using his name. It gave him some encouragement.

“I have to tell you somethin’, Y/N, before I lose my nerve. I know you deserve better, someone with a proper family line …”

“Davos,” You pulled him closer and tried not to grin. “What are you saying?”

“I-I’m trying to say I love you, and… I’d be honored if you’d consider being my wife.”

MARGAERY TYRELL

You and Margaery hit it off quickly when you arrived at court in Highgarden. She immediately noticed your wit and beauty, and even better, you were fun to talk with at galas and feasts. More than not, she’d seek out your company when she was tired of lords fawning over her, or you both would play coy with them and snicker to yourselves afterward. It wasn’t long before she’d give you little compliments and touches that could be considered something more, and Margaery was buzzing when you did the same.

She was so sure you’d confess first. There was an obvious spark between you two, and she admittedly felt a little jealous when she’d see you be sweet to other girls. Margaery finally got tired of waiting, wanting to be something more with you. When you two were alone in her parlor, she curled right up to you like a cat. “Do you have something to tell me, sweet Y/N?”

“Hm?” You played dumb. “Oh, I found something interesting at the market the other day. I have a new dress being made. Last night, I walked outside and --”

Margaery gave a dramatic sigh as she wiggled into your lap. “You’re so mean. I’m trying to tell you how much I adore you, more than I adore anyone, and you know it, Y/N. Cheeky girl.”

BRYNDEN TULLY

He knew he was already in too deep the first night you spent together. You both had been flirting and circling around each other for months, even having a kiss or more here and there. He always had excuses to dissuade you, but they were really just him trying to keep this exact thing from happening.

As he held you in his arms and kept you there until the morning, he knew he’d have to marry you eventually. The idea of you maybe not being there in the morning, being with someone else, was too much. When Brynden caught the rumors that your parents were considering engaging you to some Vale lord, he found you right away.

“Heard about that betrothal,” He said, taking you in his arms, not even caring if someone walked into the room. “Afraid to say it can’t happen, sweet.”

“What do you mean?” You tilted your head.

“Cause I love ya too much to let some Lord whoever take ya away from me.” He’d press his face into your hair, trying to hide his burning cheeks. “Tell me ya feel the same, and I’ll take ya to Riverrun as a proper wife. I swear it.”

EDMURE TULLY

You had been married for some time, and you already knew Edmure was smitten with you. Everyone knew it, really, but you had enjoyed getting to know him in the short months you’d been together. He was just as sweet as he was during your courtship, and you were glad the matched worked out so well, but neither of you had really had the guts to admit it was any more than that.

Edmure ended up falling sick, nothing too serious, but you felt bad that he was stuck in bed and feeling miserable. When he woke up, you were at his bedside and offering him water. You helped him drink then patted his hair in place. Right when you were going to mention how flushed and feverish he was, he suddenly said, “Y/N, I love you.”

You just smiled. “I know, Edmure.”

He relented but tried to hold your hand.You let him take it, even if his grip was weak. “I thought you should know. Um, in case you didn’t. You’re so kind and considerate, and you’ve helped me so much already, and you’ll make a great mother--”

He was cut off by a bout of coughing, and you were quick to bring a rag to his mouth. You smiled and shook your head. “Thank you, Edmure. Lie down, dear, before the Maester comes for me.”

BRIENNE OF TARTH

She was initially uneasy being parted from Lady Catlyn to guard you, but you two quickly developed an easy friendship. She was very attracted to your kindness and fairness, not to mention how you'd defend her in front of anyone that dared insult her in front of you.

No surprise, she fell for you very quickly, but she was positive you wouldn't feel the same. Brienne was more than ready to keep her feelings to herself, although they always threatened to slip when you took her hands to reassure her or stayed up late joking and talking. It finally got out when you angrily stood between her and a lord - as if they both didn't tower over you - and told him, "One more word about MY knight, and you'll be leaving this keep, either through the door or out a window!"

Brienne actually had to pull you away to a secluded hall because you were fuming. “Can you believe his nerve? Saying those things to you here, of all places! Gods! You have more honor in your pinky than his whole body! Ooh, and that family of his-!”

“Now then, someone will hear,” Brienne said, holding your hand. She was trying to hide her smile, but she couldn’t keep her blush at bay. “You’re too much, my lady.”

“It’s not enough. I can’t fight like you, Brienne, I know you’ve been teaching me, but I could do so much more for you,” You said earnestly. You didn’t want her to feel those awful things she’d shared with you. You never wanted her to be anything but happy. “You deserve much more.”

The words struck her even harder, and Brienne rubbed at her eyes absently to fight off any tears. She kissed your forehead firmly, then rested her head there. It just spilled out. “Thank you, Y/N. I love you.”

RAMSAY BOLTON

You had the dubious honor of being married to newly legitimized Bolton bastard, a match arranged by your family with little concern to your wellbeing. Of course you knew what he was like, especially after you married, but Ramsay did have his odd moments of what you’d cautiously call “sentiment”. Sometimes when he almost seemed curious or in awe of you.

In spite of this, you didn’t take him seriously when he’d say he loved you. He always had that glint in his eyes when he did it, after all, you chalked it up to an attempt at swaying you. Today Ramsay was angry with one of your guards; you were positive it was just jealousy, and you wanted to save the poor man from a grisly fate. Ramsay pulled you into a crushing embrace. “Why are you defending him? He’d never love you as I do, Y/N.”

“Of course not, my lord,” You said dismissively. “Let’s assign him to another post, and someone you trust can-”

“Don’t you believe me?” He interrupted you, his eyes taking that dangerous glint you knew well.

“I do, my lord. If you don’t like the man, he can go back to his old duties.”

“Not that. You don’t think I care for you.”

Was he … sullen? His jaw was tense as though he were pouting. No, you really thought he was. Maybe it was just jealousy talking. You couldn’t be sure, and he was antsy as he waited for you to answer, leaning his head in so your foreheads touched.

ROOSE BOLTON

The truth of the matter is Roose had been interested in you for some time. When he first saw you at a feast, he was certainly taken, and he talked to you and danced when it was appropriate. Anytime there was a gathering, he’d seek you out, always trying to talk to you, trying to see what sort of person you were. After holding you in his arms for so many dances and getting you to smile several times, he admitted to himself that perhaps he really was infatuated. Of course, your parents wouldn’t agree to a marriage, so he did a variety of underhanded tricks to secure you - frightening your other suitors, subtly suggesting different matches for them to their parents - perhaps more serious methods, if he needed to.

It was worth it, he decided, when he draped the Bolton cape around you on your wedding day. His affection for you only grew as the months went by and you began to settle into your role as Lady of the Dreadfort. You were positive by his actions and words that he did love you, so it didn’t bother you so much if he didn’t say it. Truthfully, he didn’t want to admit to himself how much he cared what you thought of him. You were a definite weakness that an enemy could exploit, because he’d grown to completely, terribly love you.

You two were walking the godswood, your arms entwined, and Roose stopped under the heart tree. He brushed your hair aside. “You know I love you more than I can say, Y/N.”

You smiled and leaned into him. “I know, Roose.”

OBERYN MARTELL

His affection and love for you is obvious to anyone who watches you two. At feasts you’re practically in his lap and making him feed you, at galas you both dance until the sun is almost coming up, and at tourneys you’d be too busy grinning at his flirtations and whispers to pay attention to the lists. Honestly, it was kind of sickening, but you loved how doting and passionate Oberyn was for you. It really seemed as though you hung his moon and stars.

So naturally, he confessed to you very quickly. You remember just a month in, he told you. “I love you, my dear Y/N.”

You smiled, thinking the flamboyant Dornishman with a scandalous reputation just saw you as another flame. “That’s very nice, Oberyn.”

The months went by and it seems every other day you’d receive another declaration of love. One morning, you’d woken up to him curling around you like a cat. He said the three words again as he dozed off, pressing against your hair. He’d brought you to his family home, the Old Palace in Sunspear, and you’d spent a week meeting his family. He positively beamed as he introduced you.

Finally, you said, “I love you too.”

His arms tightened around your waist as he kissed your hair and fell back asleep with a satisfied smile.

BERIC DONDARRION

The Brotherhood Without Banners had saved you from Lannister men, and seeing as you had nowhere else to go, you began to travel with them. You started to learn how to fight, how to survive in the wild, and you began to befriend Beric. Not that it was difficult, friendly as he was, and soon your relationship turned into something much deeper.

It was a week after he’d “died” and been “revived” by Thoros. The Lord of Light was always strange to you, and now you’d seen a man you cared for fall in blood and come back as if it hadn’t happened. It was jarring, and as you stroked his hair while his head laid in your lap, you kept thinking back to it.

“You looked troubled, my Y/N,” He said suddenly.

“I’m thinking about that fight in the cave.” You said. “You told me before, but you said something about … sometimes you lose pieces.”

Beric’s light expression became more serious. He sat up and drew you into his arms. “It’s true. I feel a little less whole after it happens, a little less… me. So I should tell you, I love you, very dearly. No matter how often I come back, I know I’ll always be your’s, Y/N.”

#game of thrones #asoiaf #got #game of thrones imagine #game of thrones x reader #uhh looking back this is much longer than i thought it was LOL #enjoy friends

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naerwenia · 3 years

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A Moment of Quiet Reflection

A short moment from the life of Eshka Kith’lya, a Bothan doctor and a representative for The Sword of Truth, a former rebel group turned into a political party after a war. Based on a Star Wars RPG campaign I’m part of.

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Eshka was lounging on the uncomfortable Imperial-design chair in Avalon, trying to relax, trying to forget everything for a second. Captain Selina Katarn was having her second of forgetting, purging some memories from her mind with alcohol, just like Eshka did most of the time. Today, she had stuff to do, yet not enough to keep her mind from wandering. Five years had gone by in a blink of an eye, the war was over, there was a republic now, and her side had won, everything was like what she fought for, yet there was an emptiness in her. There was no way to pinpoint if it was the five years she lost while in the Dark Cluster, or if it was the sudden calmness in the Galaxy. Maybe it was the fact she didn’t know what had happened to most of Flying Brick’s crew, or that she was now the Commander of the Wraith Fleet, someone with responsibility and authority. No matter how skilled she was at commanding, Eshka was still a doctor first and foremost. She had a card that said so, it had her whole name on it! Eshka Kith’lya, Imperial Medical Academy graduate, medical license, issued in Coruscant. Kith’lya… She tried to remember anyone with the same name, yet came up with hazy voices and even hazier memories of some Bothans that may have been her parents, or her relative who she had called in the middle of the night out of nowhere, curious, but had realized immediately that it was a mistake, she didn’t want to be in touch with them, she didn’t know them. There was no need for her to mix them in her life. They were better off knowing nothing of her. She was better off not having feelings for her family, relatives, and clan. She was better off not knowing or feeling anything that might put others in danger, even her former enemy (maybe they were still enemies, maybe not, there was no way to know with Mr. Valden) had chosen to keep her safe seemingly.

Eshka sighed loudly, but not anywhere close to loud enough to wake Captain Katarn. Selina had lost her pride and joy, twice, now permanently. First when Bob took it with Eshka in it (it must have been a mistake, an accident), now in an unavoidable collision to kill a god. She lost Flying Brick with it’s crew, then had to find a way back home from the Dark Cluster, but without her ship, who was she? Was she still a captain? What was her home, where was it? Eshka asked them in her mind, maybe in part to ask the same questions of herself. She was the representative of Sword of Truth, she had helped them win the war against Aries V2, even if only by providing intelligence. Yet now she didn’t know what the Sword of Truth represented. They had been there to rebuild the galactic senate, working with the remnants of the Imperium and the Hutt Coalition to establish a working alliance, all things Eshka appreciated, but she didn’t know if this was what she wanted. Actually being a senator and not a rebel escalating riots to revolutions would be weird. Helping people to establish local governments to take care of their communities was what she was good at, not actual politics. She was an orator, an agitator. She advocated equality and more grassroots decision making, and while representative democracy might be a good start, she wasn’t ready for it, and she couldn’t say why. The change was so sudden for her, even if it wasn’t for most of the Galaxy, and she felt like she had to change herself to make sure she could continue her mission. Others in the Wraith Fleet relied on her to be the moral backbone of the group.

Who was she? Where did she belong? How fucked was she? Was there a way back? Gree’s used a different way of travelling through galaxies and time, it had helped Wraith back from the Dark Cluster, maybe there was a way to go back so she could just be a doctor. A nurse would be fine too, so she didn’t have to run away anymore. There was a simple way of life, the life Grambo the Hutt had chosen for her. All she had to do was be the best in her field, to be his eyes and ears when he needed them in Coruscant. The thought somehow filled her with even more emptiness and hollow sadness. There was nothing there, no feelings any way. Just hollowness. She finally realized she had lived there mostly on autopilot. Wake up, go to work, get back home, have a drink, go to sleep. Sometimes there were parties or balls and she had to go find the important faces, flirt, drink, make promises, and listen. Observe and try to fit in. Never make a scene, but have everyone remember you. A slight feeling of fondness was there, a flash of a memory, something long forgotten, yet tangible she could almost touch. Twinkling lights, clinking of crystal glasses, smell of champagne and expensive perfumes, music filling the hall, the feel of light, red chiffon on her tense skin, unsure expression on her face that soon turned to a smile, a sweet smile only for the one who had taken her hand in theirs. A soft, cooling wind, far away stars looking down on her, laughter and music fading into the distance, her heart beating faster, as she remembered how scared she was, how Mr. Babe had angrily grabbed her wrist and dragged her away. She didn’t understand why, only knowing she had to be more careful.

There was something cruel in the fact she knew how to use the names of others’ to get what she wanted. Grambo the Hutt, The Imperial Medical Academy, Sword of Truth… But her own name was meaningless. No one knew it, sometimes she forgot it herself in favour of the names of others. Then she only represented that group, she wasn’t herself, only an extension of the group, but now she was the face of the Wraith Fleet, and she was one of those who made the squadron, not just an extension. This was what she advocated for, yet Eshka felt uncomfortable. Individuals being equal, everyone having a voice that was heard, freedom to be who they are. It’s what she believed, fought for, and when they achieved a sort of unity, Eshka’s vision lacked the next step, the road to keeping up the new status quo, helping other planets structure their governments to be more democratic, and hearing out the complaints and wishes of people all around the Galaxy, striving to better the life of all. But to achieve this, Eshka had to take her place, to command and influence. Others believed in her, they had faith in her abilities, so why was it so hard for her to see herself doing that? Maybe it was the fact she was still in debt to a Hutt, and not only in money, but in spirit too. He had made her. Grambo had given her life. The Hutt had given her everything she could have asked for; education, place in high society, luxury, security. Gratitude wasn’t enough to describe her feelings for him, yet she had thrown it all away one night, and there was no way back, no matter how she pleaded. That door was now closed, she couldn’t go back, so she kept running, making decisions on the whim. This wasn’t the way she wanted to live, yet it felt like the only way. Fear kept her running, afraid to stop and see where she had ended up.

At the moment she had slowed down to look around. There was Selina, Avalon, a game table Dei was so fond of, the smell of a ship where too many people had to spend a lot of time together, the feel of steel under Eshka’s fingers. The holopad was on a chair next to her, still downloading some files related to the news of the last five years. Rest of the crew were out, looking for parts for a droid and commissioning a blueprint for a new ship, something she still couldn’t quite wrap her head around. A new ship just for their crew, and it was built just for them from the ground up (and higher). There were things to do, Eshka thought, and picked up the holopad to occupy her mind once again.

#original character #bothan #star wars alternate universe #star wars rpg #star wars roleplay #roleplay story #story from roleplaying campaign

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raisingsupergirl · 3 years

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My Life With COVID-19: Week 1--Say Goodbye to Food

I never thought being a statistic would come with so much baggage. It's not that I thought it would never happen to me. In fact, I thought it already had happened to me. A couple of times. And maybe it did. But none of them were like this. I'm going to try to explain it as best as I can (you know, for science and future generations), but bear with me. COVID brain is definitely a thing.

I guess this story starts on 12/12/20. That's the day that my dear friend passed away. We were supposed to start a Dungeons & Dragons campaign together soon. Him, me, and three other good friends. But that Saturday, I got the text that he had passed away the previous night (not related to COVID, as far as I'm aware). Well, that following evening, those three other friends and I got together to remember him, to process some emotions, and to drink whiskey. The next day I woke up feeling… less than perfect. Of course, I thought it was from lack of sleep and too much alcohol, but it was weird. I didn't drink that much. Not to feel that bad. And there were some weird things, too. My eyeballs hurt (really bad) like I had a fever, but I didn't have a fever. And my fatigue level was through the roof. Other than that, normal body aches and lack of appetite that come with over-indulgence, so I didn't think much of it. Even when I woke up on Monday with persistent symptoms, I just assumed I was getting REALLY old and should never drink again. Yeah, I'm kind of dumb sometimes.

Monday and Tuesday could be characterized by general lack of energy, some mild congestion, and those danged achy eyeballs. And the only food that appealed to me was soup, and only in small amounts. "Just a little cold," I told myself. Even still, I had the good sense to be extra-cautious with my hand washing and mask wearing procedures. Unfortunately, I didn't have the good sense to get tested at that time. Mostly because my insurance doesn't cover testing (which is $150/swab), but also because I was in denial. I needed to work. My patients needed treatment. I was important… irreplaceable. And, of course, I didn't want to have to call my friends and tell them I'd exposed them Saturday night.

Wednesday was more of the same, but I felt even more fatigued. Then, someone else I'd come into contact with the previous week let me know that they'd tested positive. Crap. That's when the pieces started falling into place. And the last one fell as I was drinking a glass of alcohol (elderberry tincture, actually. Which I'd made myself as a COVID preventative… guess I should have started drinking it earlier…). While I sipped, I was actually hanging out with those same Saturday friends, but this time virtually. We were playing computer games. And about halfway through the glass of elderberry goodnes, I noticed that it wasn't nearly as floral or alcoholic tasting as it should have been. I assumed it was getting watered down, but suspicion started creeping up my spine. And by the end of the glass, it tasted like straight water (which tastes like nothing…). Like some infected dummy straight out of a zombie movie, I told no one and went to bed, hoping against hope that I would wake up to the smell of bacon (or anything).

When my alarm went off the next morning, I popped out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom. First thing I did? Took a long whiff of my deodorant stick. Nothing. I stuck the toothpaste up to my nose. Still nothing. Brushed my teeth. Foamy nothing. Went to the bathroom. Thankfully nothing. And then it was time to go downstairs, face my wife, and finally say it out loud. "I can't smell anything. It's completely gone." And that's the moment that it became real. No turning back. One rapid test later, and my fate was sealed. My boss started clearing my schedule for the next week, and my mind started racing with all of the people I needed to call. All the things I needed to do. What my life would look like for the next ten days. Even now, I don't know if the virus was effecting my cognition and emotions or not, but I do know that I was a mess.

By the time I got home, my world was spinning. I was angry, ashamed, confused, defeated, and overwhelmed. Mostly overwhelmed. I made sure my wife had pulled our daughter from school, and then I went up to my room. Not because I was quarantining from them, but because I couldn't handle being around anyone, even those whom I loved most (I mean, I'd be spending plenty of time with them over the next week anyway, right?).

Over the next hour, I felt like someone with an STD contacting all of my past… well, you know. I texted, I messaged, I called. Everyone was incredibly understanding. They all wanted to know how I was doing. And it felt almost shameful saying that I felt fine. "Just a little fatigued, eyeballs hurt a little, some congestion. And the no smell thing." It's funny how that didn't dawn on me yet. In the flurry of confusion, I hadn't stopped to consider what life without smell would be like. That revelation would come later. No, right now I was focused on the bigger things. I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's funeral this Saturday. I wouldn't be able to host Portmas (an annual Christmas celebration with those same friends) that night. I wouldn't be able to go to work for over a week. The days would feel like months… Have I mentioned that I'm a bit of a work-a-holic? Yeah, well, there was a BIG part of me right then that thought, "God did this. I wouldn't slow down. I wouldn't quit working. Even when I was sick, I was too dumb to take a step back. So God took my smell away. It's my fault for being so stubborn. And God finally stepped in." Yeah, those are some thoughts that I'll continue to unpack over the next couple of weeks, but for now it's enough to say that my thoughts and emotions were about as confused as my senses.

Speaking of which, my lovely wife made me a can of chicken-n-noodle soup for lunch. And it felt great. Warm, soothing, and satisfying. But with each bite, reality settled in the pit of my broth-laden stomach. It wasn't that I couldn't taste ANYTHING. There was something there. A touch of saltiness and a hint of umami (look it up). My tongue wasn't completely dead… but my nose was. And so, another cascade of confused emotions. More anger. More fear. Google said "most" patients got their smell back in a week or two, but for some it could take up to a year. And a small percentage never got it back. NEVER!? And at best, I didn't know if I could handle two weeks. Honestly, I didn't.

If you haven't lost your sense of smell, I'm sure you think I was overreacting. I would have, too, before it happened to me (Yes, I'm aware of the irony of my blog post a couple of weeks ago). But I want to try and explain the seriousness of this situation to you. Maybe fore some it's not so bad—those who are suffering REAL COVID symptoms. Those fighting for breath and for life. But for those of use who feel otherwise "normal," it's a panic-inducing affliction. For example, I'm a fledgling home brewer. Do you know what all beer tastes like when you have no smell? Like water with a ghost of bitterness on both sides of the tongue. Do you know what straight whiskey tastes like? Exactly the same with just a slight warmth in the chest. And so, my brewing hobby is done. Just done. And cooking? There's no point. Everything might as well be raw cucumbers and unseasoned French fries. Texture and temperature. That's literally the only variation. Well… almost literally.

In my panic, I NEEDED to know what my limits were. I needed to know if I could find any enjoyment from food. And so, I went to the extremes. Cloves, even when eaten straight, had absolutely no flavor. Straight salt registered a little on the tip and back of my tongue. Sugar felt kind of thick on my tongue, and if I tried imagining it, I thought I could taste it a little. Cayenne pepper was a little tingly in the back of my throat, but nothing more. Horseradish did nothing at first and only a little tingling on the top of my mouth afterward (mind you, I ate enough of all of these things to kill an elephant). And finally, I took a bite of a lime. Whoa! That about knocked me over. Imagine not tasting anything for 24 hours and then suddenly biting into a lime. That's exactly what it tasted like. Okay, well, I couldn't actually taste any lime characteristics, but that SOUR sensation registered off the charts. The sensation was both hopeful and frustrating, and those two emotions fit in perfectly with my general disposition.

That night, I was mean. Cranky toward my wife. She made dinner, and I was bitter about it. Airfried shrimp and tater tots with cucumbers on the side. She was TRYING to satisfy my texture and temperature requirements. And she did well. But it was still ash in my mouth, cotton balls in my stomach. And no one seemed to understand my frustration and fear.

But that night, I realized there was something I hadn't considered, too. My family is close. We hug and kiss. We cuddle. And so, there didn't seem to be any reason for me to start quarantining from them now. Besides, both of my daughters already had the sniffles, so the likelihood was high that they already had the virus. And my wife thought that she'd already had it a few weeks before. But… if she hadn't. If she was still susceptible. I wasn't worried about her safety, so much. She's healthy. She works out, eats right, and nurtures her already strong immune system. But, if she lost her smell, too…

Okay, hear me out. This isn't just about food enjoyment or fart detection (yes, my wife giggled at the dinner table because she farted right next to me without me knowing…). It's about safety. Have you ever considered how dangerous it would be to live in a house with a gas stove if no one could smell? I mean, presumably the kids might notice something, but would they understand enough to let us know? I'm honestly not sure I would take that gamble. So here's hoping my wife keeps smelling, because I really don't want to move out.

Oh, speaking of my wife smelling, there's one last revelation I had about anosmia (lack of smell). For an anosmic person to take a shower is truly a selfless act. Think about it.

Anyway, by the time I post this (12/23/20), my quarantine will officially be over. I will have spent a week at home. So I'll definitely have more to tell. But these first few days are enough for now. Stay safe, friends. And don't forget to stop and smell the hot cocoa before you miss your chance.

#covid-19 #anosmia #no smell no taste #covid symptoms #life with covid #quarantine #momblr #dadblr #mumblr

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46ten · 4 years

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AH: marriage and military service should not mix

The summary of this post: A lot of historians have noted how important AH’s marriage to EH was to his future, a true before and after marker in his life. But the strangeness of it has gotten less attention - AH married while the war was going on, and even wrote of not hanging around the army at all in order to setup for his life with his new wife. Once one sees the oddity of that, a lot of other things fall into place in his 1780/81 letters.

For the past few years, I’ve wanted to work more on the theory that although marriage was generally expected of the 18th century Anglo-American colonial man (see prior posts here and here), the elite in AH’s circle did not marry until their military obligations and other duties were complete. From their examples and a few phrases here and there, getting married seemed to have been frowned upon, perhaps because of the uncomfortable examples of general’s wives and this idea that romantic love with a woman was a weakness that interfered with duty and hindered one’s commitment to military glory. (I am familiar with the challenges faced by Martha Washington, Catharine Greene, and Lucy Knox; Philip Schuyler refused a return to military assignment and presidency of the Continental Congress after the death of a newborn, among other things, in 1778). AH is an exception among his circle, with Meade, in getting married during the war itself - nearly everyone else who is unmarried waits until after their military service is complete (and sometimes well after) to marry. Not enough is made of the oddity of his courtship and marriage, within his circle, while the war is ongoing.

Now to modern thought, the title of this post makes a lot of sense - relationships are often strained when one partner is in military service, and the hows and whys are very familiar to us. But for the 18th century, when adult manhood was tied to matrimony, avoiding matrimony seems odd, as does the length of some of the courtships of AH’s friends: two years for William Jackson, about the same for Tilghman, four years of flirtation for McHenry. At a time when engagements lasted a matter of weeks (and AH notes that his own is unusually long - it’s lasting “an age” in one of his letters to ES), the delay in taking the next step is notable. Even in the prior generation, although Philip Schuyler was sexually intimate with Catharine Van Rensselaer, he continued his military service and did not marry her until it became unavoidable by decency standards (CVR was 4 months pregnant).

So what’s with AH and ES wanting to get married in such a hurry, comparatively, besides the obvious emotional ones? Maybe he really was 26-27 years old and time was running out! Another obvious possibility, noted then and noted by biographers since, was the benefits of their marriage on a personal and political dynastic level. @aswithasunbeam has noted a contemporary article (sourced from Mitchell) about what Philip Schuyler had to gain through the new attachment between himself and Washington’s aide-de-camp. (And look how quickly P. Schuyler had AH working to get GW to visit them.) The advantages for AH were obvious to, as the Marquis de Fleury stated outright to AH: “ I congratulate you heartyly on that conquest; for many Reasons: the first that you will get all that familly’s interest, & that a man of your abilities wants a Little influence to do good to his country. The second that you, will be in a very easy situation, & happin’s is not to be found without a Large estate.”

I also suspect part of AH’s decision to hurriedly marry was tied to getting a command and spending the rest of his time studying the law.* I agree with most biographers that he never takes the steps of leaving Washington’s family and asking for (Nov 1780) and then demanding (June 1781) a command without being Philip Schuyler’s son-in-law. (I also think the break with GW doesn’t happen without AH feeling VERY confident in his relationship with his new wife. EH should have been a better patriot - as in other times - and seemed less happy in her marriage, or at least not let AH read her letter to her sister.) I think that’s what Laurens knew while on parole in Phil. and causes the minor flurry of letters in late August/September 1780, when P. Schuyler was briefly at HQ and then sending lots of letters about Congress to GW, AH was going on about his planned six month leave, McHenry was writing a love poem about AH and ES and trying to get AH to get P. Schuyler’s help in getting him a command, etc . AH and ES likely intended to marry in October/early November, but both Meade and Harrison took leave instead, and AH had to stay, though he would leave in late November before their return (in fact, Harrison and Meade never returned.)

Take Laurens (left wife and daughter he’d never see in England) and Lafayette (absent from France from March 1777 to Feb 1779 and March 1780 to early 1782). Both of them left wife and child(ren) behind, and here AH was planning a long absence from military service and telling his fiancee that he’ll leave it entirely if that’s her wish. AND Meade is discussing doing exactly that! [So Laurens presumably wrote to AH - we don’t have that letter - that he hopes AH will get over this quickly, and AH wrote back that he won’t, but I’m getting ahead of myself.]

I offered to make a comparison of AH’s letters to Laurens vs Elizabeth Schuyler - while revealing of personal feelings, in content and expression they are more different than they are similar - but I think I first need to set up that major transition that’s occurring in AH’s life in 1780/81. To the extent Laurens may have objected to AH’s excitement about ES and their impending nuptials (and there’s only one phrase in one letter, and that from AH to Laurens, from which it can be interpreted that those were Laurens’ feelings), and AH felt embarrassed about conveying the news of his engagement, it was because it interfered with a (believed to be mutual) sense of military obligation and public duty and dismissal of marriage and its attendant obligations. I touch on it in a response here; I’ll try to elaborate on it in upcoming posts. [I will get into why this makes the most sense, and why claims of AH trying to spare any romantic feelings JL may have felt, quite frankly, do not make sense in a later post. Spoiler: AH wrote absurdly callous stuff re ES and his relationship with her in his letters to JL if he was hoping to spare JL’s feelings.]

I already put some of my thoughts on this in old posts that may have some helpful content and may spare me having to repeat myself too much, and then I’ll also provide some quotes from letters to get started, limited to 1777-1782 and then probably the most famous quote from 1799.

Hamilton on marriage part 1 (overview)

Hamilton on marriage part 2 (feelings on marriage 1777-early 1780)

Hamilton-Schuyler engagement (early 1780-mid 1780)

Hamilton on marriage part 3 (my breakdown of the July-Oct 1780 letters to ES)

Hamilton on marriage part 4

Reynolds Pamphlet, part 2

And a post (not my own) about how much AH’s military involvement as Inspector General was affecting his family financially.

Letter quotes [my emphases]:

You and I, as well as our neighbours, are deeply interested to pray for victory, and its necessary attendant peace; as, among other good effects, they would remove those obstacles, which now lie in the way of that most delectable thing, called matrimony;—a state, which, with a kind of magnetic force, attracts every breast to it, in which sensibility has a place, in spite of the resistance it encounters in the dull admonitions of prudence, which is so prudish and perverse a dame, as to be at perpetual variance with it. AH to Catharine “Kitty” Livingston 11Apr1777

Do I want a wife? No—I have plagues enough without desiring to add to the number that greatest of all; and if I were silly enough to do it, I should take care how I employ a proxy. AH to John Laurens 1779 [likely from mid-April up to July - this letter is actually undated, and the April date is based on other mentions in the letter; both JCH and Lodge dated it December 1779]

The most determined adversaries of Hymen can find in [ES] no pretext for their hostility, and there are several of my friends, philosophers who railed at love as a weakness, men of the world who laughed at it as a phantasie, whom she has presumptuously and daringly compelled to acknowlege its power and surrender at discretion. I can the better assert the truth of this, as I am myself of the number. She has had the address to overset all the wise resolutions I had been framing for more than four years past, and from a rational sort of being and a professed contemner of Cupid has in a trice metamorphosed me into the veriest inamorato you perhaps ever saw. AH to Margarita Schuyler, Feb1780

I would add to this by way of consolation, or rather of countinance, that the family since your departure have given hourly proofs of a growing weakness. Example I verily believe is infectious. For such a predominancy is beauty establishing over their hearts, that should things continue to wear as sweet an aspect as they are now beheld in, I shall be the only person left, of the whole household, to support the dignity of human nature. But in good earnest, God bless both you, and your weakness, and preserve me your sincere friend James McHenry to AH, 18March1780 [this was during the time of AH’s courtship of ES]

Here we are my love in a house of great hospitality—in a country of plenty—a buxom girl under the same roof—pleasing ⟨expect⟩ations of a successful campaign—and every thing to make a soldier happy, who is not in love and absent from his mistress. ... Assure yourself my love that you are seldom a moment absent from my mind, that I think of you constantly and talk of you frequently, I am never happier than when I can engage Meade in some solitary walk to join me in reciprocating the praises of his widow and my betsey. AH to ES, 6July1780

I hope for a decisive campaign. No one will desire it more than me; for a military life is now grown insupportable to me because it keeps me from all my soul holds dear. Adieu My love. Write to me often I entreat you, and do not suffer any part of my treasure, your sweet love, to be lost or stolen from me. AH to ES, 20Jul1780

Impatiently My Dearest have I been expecting the return of your father to bring me a letter from my charmer with the answers you have been good enough to promise me to the little questions asked in mine by him. ... Meade2 just comes in and interrupts me by sending his love to you. He tells you he has written a long letter to his widow asking her opinion of the propriety of quitting the service; and that if she does not disapprove it, he will certainly take his final leave after the campaign. You see what a fine opportunity she has to be enrolled in the catalogue of heroines, and I dare say she will set you an example of fortitude and patriotism. I know too you have so much of the Portia in you, that you will not be out done in this line by any of your sex, and that if you saw me inclined to quit the service of your country, you would dissuade me from it. I have promised you, you recollect, to conform to your wishes, and I persist in this intention. It remains with you to show whether you are a Roman or an American wife. AH to ES, Aug1780

But now my love to speak of the practicability of complying with both our wishes in this article—There is none, I am obliged to sacrifice my inclination to ⟨my public⟩ ch⟨aracter.⟩ Even though my presence shou⟨ld n⟩ot be essential here, yet my love I could not with decency or honor leave the army during the campaign. This is a military prejudice which while I am in a military station I must comply with. No person has been more severe than I have been in condemning other officers for deviating from it. I have admitted no excuse as sufficient, and I must not now evince to the army, that the moment my circumstances have changed, my maxims have changed also. This would be an inconsistency, and my Betsey would not have me guilty of an inconsistency. Besides this my Betsey, The General is peculiarly averse to the practice in question. If this campaign is to end my military services, ’tis an additional reason for a constant and punctual attendance, if it is not my leaving the army during the campaign would make it less proper to be away all the winter ’till late in the spring. In one case, my honor bids me stay, in the other my love. AH to ES, 31Aug1780

Pardon me my love for talking politics to you. What have we to do with any thing but love? Go the world as it will, in each others arms we cannot but be happy. ...I was once determined to let my existence and American liberty end together. My Betsey has given me a motive to outlive my pride, I had almost said my honor; but America must not be witness to my disgrace. AH to ES, 6Sept1780

I have told you, and I told you truly that I love you too much. You engross my thoughts too intirely to allow me to think of any thing else—you not only employ my mind all day; but you intrude upon my sleep. I meet you in every dream—and when I wake I cannot close my eyes again for ruminating on your sweetness. ‘Tis a pretty story indeed that I am to be thus monopolized, by a little nut-brown maid like you—and from a statesman and a soldier metamorphosed into a puny lover. I believe in my soul you are an inchantress; but I have tried in vain, if not to break, at least, to weaken the charm—you maintain your empire in spite of all my efforts—and after every new one, I make to withdraw myself from my allegiance my partial heart still returns and clings to you with increased attachment. To drop figure my lovely girl you become dearer to me every moment. I am more and more unhappy and impatient under the hard necessity that keeps me from you, and yet the prospect lengthens as I advance. AH to ES, 5Oct1780

I would not have you imagine Miss that I write to you so often either to gratify your wishes or to please your vanity; but merely to indulge myself and to comply with that restless propensity of my mind, which will not allow me to be happy when I am not doing something in which you are concerned. This may seem a very idle disposition in a philosopher and a soldier; but I can plead illustrious examples in my justification. Achilles had liked to have sacrificed Greece and his glory to his passion for a female captive; and Anthony lost the world for a woman. I am sorry the times are so changed as to oblige me to summon antiquity for my apology, but I confess, to the disgrace of the present age, that I have not been able to find many who are as far gone as myself in such laudable zeal for the fair sex. AH to ES, 13Oct1780

How often have I with Eloisa exclaimed against those forms which I now revere as calculated to knit our union together by new and stronger bands...Meade already begins to recant. I have received a letter from him on the Journey2 in which he tells me he finds he must return to the army. This will be a new proof to you that I cannot leave it, as we both so ardently desire. AH to ES, 27Oct1780

You possess a heart that can feel for me; you have a female too that you love. I was reduced at one period to entreat, threat, kiss, but all to no purpose; her fears were for my safety, mine for hers. You must imagine to make out the tragedy all that I am incapable for want of words to express. After placing her with at least Twenty other females & children at a safe distance I immediately returned, & joined the Baron about the time the Enemy left Richmond in order to render him all the aid I could being intimately acquainted with the Country for many miles in the vicinity of the Enemy & on their return down the river I left him to go in pursuit of a residence for a favorite Brother who was driven from his home & obliged to attend to his Wife & a family of little children. Was it not cruel my dear fellow that my matrimonial enjoyments should have been interrupted thus soon; not more than one month had passed when the damned invasion seperated us, & we have yet to meet again, for 60 miles divides us. You know I am a Philosoper my dr fd & prepared to meet much more serious disappointments. This gives me an opening to speak of my return to the army. I have been long wishing your advice in full on the occasion; you are acquainted with the arguments I have used in favor of my stay here. I have now but one to add to them, the experience of that happiness I ever expected to enjoy with the best of Women. She loves not less than your Betsy, & I fear could not bear a seperation. I have not however as yet thrown off the uniform, but I am inclined to believe that it must be the case. Meade to AH, 13Jan1781

I was cherishing the melancholy pleasure of thinking of the sweets I had left behind and was so long to be deprived of, when a servant from Head Quarters presented me with your letters. I feasted for some time on the sweet effusions of tenderness they contained, and my heart returned every sensation of yours. Alas my Betsey you have divested it of every other pretender and placed your image there as the sole proprietor. I struggle with an excess which I cannot but deem a weakness and endeavour to bring myself back to reason and duty. I remonstrate with my heart on the impropriety of suffering itself to be engrossed by an individual of the human race when so many millions ought to participate in its affections and in its cares. But it constantly presents you under such amiable forms as seem too well to justify its meditated desertion of the cause of country humanity, and of glory I would say, if there were not something in the sound insipid and ridiculous when compared with the sacrifices by which it is to be attained.

Indeed Betsey, I am intirely changed—changed for the worse I confess—lost to all the public and splendid passions and absorbed in you. Amiable woman! nature has given you a right to be esteemed to be cherished, to be beloved; but she has given you no right to monopolize a man, whom, to you I may say, she has endowed with qualities to be extensively useful to society. Yes my Betsey, I will encourage my reason to dispute your empire and restrain it within proper bounds, to restore me to myself and to the community. Assist me in this; reproach me for an unmanly surrender of that to love and teach me that your esteem will be the price of my acting well my part as a member of society. AH to EH, 13Jul1781

Don’t think me unkind for not talking of your making a journey to the Southward. It would put us to a thousand inconveniences and would in fact be of no avail; for while there I must be engrossed in my military duties. Heaven knows how much it costs me to make the sacrifice I do. It is too much to be torn away from the wife of my bosom from a woman I love to weakness, and who feels the same ardent passion for me. I relinquish a heaven in your arms; but let me have the happiness to reflect that they ever impatiently wait my return sacred to love and me. Give your Mama, your sisters and the whole family every assurance of the warmest affection on my part. Indeed I love them all.

Yrs. with unalterable tenderness and fidelity AH to EH, 25Aug1781

Early in November, as I promised you, we shall certainly meet. Cheer yourself with this idea, and with the assurance of never more being separated. Every day confirms me in the intention of renouncing public life, and devoting myself wholly to you. AH to EH, 6Sept1781

My heart disposed to gayety is at once melted into tenderness. The idea of a smiling infant in my Betseys arms calls up all the father in it. In imagination I embrace the mother and embrace the child a thousand times. I can scarce refrain from shedding tears of joy. But I must not indulge these sensations; they are unfit for the boisterous scenes of war and whenever they intrude themselves make me but half a soldier. AH to EH, 12Oct1781

You cannot imagine how entirely domestic I am growing. I lose all taste for the pursuits of ambition, I sigh for nothing but the company of my wife and my baby. The ties of duty alone or imagined duty keep me from renouncing public life altogether. It is however probable I may not be any longer actively engaged in it.

I have explained to you the difficulties which I met with in obtaining a command last campaign. I thought it incompatible with the delicacy due to myself to make any application this campaign. I have expressed this Sentiment in a letter to the General and retaining my rank only, have relinquished the emoluments of my commission, declaring myself notwithstanding ready at all times to obey the calls of the Public.4 I do not expect to hear any of these unless the State of our Affairs, should change for the worse and lest by any unforeseen accident that should happen, I choose to keep myself in a situation again to contribute my aid. This prevents a total resignation.

You were right in supposing I neglected to prepare what I promised you at Philadelphia. The truth is, I was in such a hurry to get home that I could think of nothing else. AH to Meade, March 1782 (from a JCH transcription)

You were right, My dear General, in saying that a Soldier should have no Other wife than the service...William North to AH, 12Nov1799

AND just for amusement:

I thank you My Dear Sir for the military figures you have sent me. Tactics you know are literally or figuratively of very comprehensive signification. As people grow old they decline in some arts though they may improve in others. I will try to get Mrs. Hamilton to accompany in games of Tactics new to her. Perhaps she may get a taste for them & become better reconciled to my connection with the Trade-Militant. AH to McHenry, 21June1799

__________________________________________

*I broke this down in a prior post too, but I’ll repeat it here again: I think the clearest statement of his plan left to us is from the draft of the letter he sent to Philip Schuyler explaining why he wants to break with GW (18Feb1781):

As I cannot think of quitting the army during the war, I have a project of re-entering into the artillery, by taking Lieutenant-Colonel Forrest’s10 place, who is⟩ desirous of retiring on half pay. I have not however made up my mind upon this , Start insertion,head, End,, as I should be obliged to come in the youngest Lt Col instead of the eldest, which I , Start deletion,should, End, , Start insertion,ought to, End, have been by natural succession had I remained in the corps; and , Start insertion,at the same time, End, to resume studies relative to the profession which, to avoid inferiority, must be laborious.

If a handsome command for the campaign in the , Start insertion,light, End, infantry should offer itself, I shall ballance between this and the artillery. My situation ⟨in the latter⟩ would be more , Start deletion,substantial, End, , Start insertion,solid, End, ⟨and permanent;⟩ but as I hope ⟨the war will not last long enough to make it progressive, this consideration has the less force. A command for the campaign would leave me the winter to prosecute studies relative to my future career in life. With⟩ respect to the former, I have been materially the worse for going into his family.11

I have written to you on this subject with all the freedom and confidence to which you have a right and with an assurance of the interest you take in , Start deletion,what, End, , Start insertion,all that, End, concerns me.

This letter implies 1) he had a plan post-military; 2) he had discussed with PS what that plan was, and possibly that six month leave (that never happened because of illness and unavailability) was tied to undertaking some of those studies to be a lawyer, to put himself in better shape to support a family. Being able to do so was important to AH - Philip Hamilton was born Jan 1782, and Angelica would not be born until Sept 1784.

#Alexander Hamilton #Elizabeth Schuyler #Elizabeth S. Hamilton #18th century masculinity #Philip Schuyler #John Laurens #I've always found it interesting that he references Achilles to state his willingness to #throw everything away for a woman (Briseis)

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aintnopartylikeaknopelemonparty · 4 years

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Favorite TV couples:

David and Patrick schitts creek

Dan Levy thank you for creating a ahow that is so funny, smart heartwarming. And creating a character like David who indenfies as pansexual making it feel so casual in the shows first season and having his sexuality defined by one scene so amazing. Not only that but Dan Creating such a wonderful same sex couple as David and Patrick. David was the first guy patrick has been with and patrick comes out to his parents during their realtionship. One of the things that added to my love of them as a couple is that David supported patrick. He gave patrick no pressure to come out. Throughout that point they were fully committed to each other and that was not changing. What i love about them. Their affection for each other, their support in each other and how they face opsticals with sense of humor and being straight forward. David is prone to panic while patrick is calm and collected. And they balance each other out. We have seen patrick with his anxieties too. It also amazes me that they are in buisness together, and yet are still so direct with each other. Also the simply the best scene is one of the sweetest momments between a couple. I also love how much miora and David's mom instantly approved of patrick cause they saw how sweet he was and patient he was with David.

https://youtu.be/sqekQHoFI6o

https://youtu.be/LdEvo_2Mvpk

youtube

Amy Santiago and Jake Peralta Brooklyn nine nine.

I want to hang out with this two, okay maybe im a weirdo just like them and that's why i want to hang out with them, but I love these dorks. A constant theme you will see in my favorite couples is people who support each other and bring out the best in each other. I love to love how completive they get during the heists. Amy makes Jake more mature while Jake makes amy more silly. I just think they are fun. They remind me april and Andy from parks and rec but more grown up. They are still a fun couple.

Chidi and eleanore the good place

"But eleanore is the answer."

I love the fact that one of the main points of the good place is that you become a better person through the bonds and relationships you gain with other people. Eleanore taught chidi to make decisions decisions one. Throughout the show he always helps eleanore. Yes its because of his moral code but also because deep down eleanore wants to be a better person and she shows tiny little glimpses of potential through the bearimey's they spend together. They keep picking each other.

Ben and Leslie parks and rec

God they are my number one ship and otp to excist. When they broke up season 4 my heart was broken. Every episode until episode 8 smallest park i wad glued to the show and dying for them to get back together. When Leslie choose to run her campaign regardless of a scandal and the fact that ben was her work supperior shows growth in her. She still choose to go after her career and with the risk. She was in love with ben and he was very much in love with her though most season 3 before they were together. His answer was always yes to being with Leslie. He ran he quit the job in city hall ran her campaign along with the parks and departments support and she won city council. When ben got a job offer in DC she supported ben and they choose long-distance and worked though the opsticals. They have such healthy communication with each other that is so rare to see. Ben and Leslie set the bar of what a healthy relationship looks like. I think they set the bar for the couple's I love that i talked about peviously in this post. Alot of people say Jim and pam but I think jim and pam are more conventional as a couple. I think Ben and Leslie are super progressive and just the golf standard of a great couple.

#ben x leslie #patrick x david #jake x amy #chidi x eleanor

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withpromise-a · 4 years

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some thoughts about ... pike trickfoot

a very rambley mess of mostly unconnected headcanons. spoilers for all of cr1

pike becomes the dawn marshal in vasselheim, representing the order of the everlight. she’s the first major figurehead in what was once a dying religion. though, she doesn’t become it until probably her mid-life. she spends a lot of time post campaign still traveling. she doesn’t settle down proper until she becomes a dawn marshal. she’s very attached to adventuring & still has so much of the world to see & after vasselheim is fixed up, kaylee is in school & they’ve built their home, team tol & smols break out as a mini adventuring party.

pike trickfoot is a very well-known name in certain circles. aside from her adventuring fame, she’s one of the most powerful clerics alive & the fact that she brought back & then unified an entire religion, has been blessed with the everlight’s gift & favour. a living legend.

pike is not a people person. she’s awkward & she fumbles with her words, but when she needs to, she will step up. she sat tary down & actually got him to learn vm’s names. she got him to devote himself to it. the threat of quasi-omniscience aside, tary very obviously respects her & i think it’s important that pike wasn’t there during the vm initiation. she didn’t contribute to it, but tary still respected her enough to actually listen. to give her the time of day & tell doty to listen too. pike’s not one for grand gestures or speeches & she’s not eloquent, but she is genuine. she’s kind, but she very obviously doesn’t take anyone’s shit. pike never has to make anyone respect her. she doesn’t have to. she has a lot more confidence & presence than she thinks she does. for all that she admits that she’s confused & kind of making things up as she goes along, she has that quiet assurance in what she wants & who she is that people can recognize. a sort of quiet power.

pike struggles a lot with the idea people build up of her in their heads. how they paint her as being more holy than she actually is. she’s not the daughter of sarenrae, she’s pike. added onto that struggle is the conflict of her duties & responsibilities & what she actually wants to do. the urge to fight versus the duty to heal. the want to adventure verses the people she has to lead. it’s not something she ever really comes to have an answer for. she just keeps doing what she thinks is best in the moment & she just tries to have more confidence in her choices. to believe in them instead of wringing her hands & looking over her shoulder thinking about what ifs.

pike becomes a leader. essentially is what these bulletpoints are leading to. she grows into her role as a leader & i don’t think she does anything particularly Big after laying out the foundation, but honestly ? she doesn’t need to. no more miraculous events or longwinded philosophical speeches. she just brings a lot of stability. she’s a very simple & straightforward leader in that respect. pike has no ambition for anything more than to just see people okay. to help them & give them the resources that they need. she’s just pike & she has a job to do & she’ll do her best to do it.

it makes the whole living legend thing a bit funny in her eyes, honestly. she still doesn’t understand why people seem to want to put her on a pedestal, but she’s made her peace with it. tries to use it to benefit others & carries on with her life. she matures a lot & this is part of it. people will think what they think & she can’t do anything about that. what she can do is just keep doing what she’s doing.

pike & scanlan go very slow after the campaign’s end. they didn’t properly get to know each other until after scanlan came back & of course, there was kind of the whole vecna situation. they do go on dates. small picnics with just the two of them & the occasional grog. they actually bond a lot post vasselheim. they spend a lot of time clearing the titan & it’s just ... nice. to just be the two of them. to actually get to know each other without as many masks as both of them used to wear. to love a gnome, not an idea.

they are practically serial adopters. pike hates seeing someone be left behind & she herself was adopted by wilhand who also adopted grog. i can see her starting & running an orphanage in vasselheim. jb is the Best Auntie & to be honest, it is in part penance. she felt guilty over how she & wilhand left jb behind & how she wasn’t the most welcoming when jb rolled up with the rest of the trickfoots. they get to know each other a lot better too. dismantling both their ideas of the other person in their head & begin mending that canyon between them. they change the reaction people have when they hear their name together.

pike can’t do anything artistic. she’s good at baking, but awful at decorating. she can’t wrap her head around playing instruments & is passable at best at dancing. she’s either too much of a coward to commit to the notes when singing or belting them out after a tankard or five. what she can do, however, is pottery. she is very good at making very fancy looking vases after she broke a lot of them as a kid & frantically taught herself how to do it in order to replace them all.

pike was often the instigator of a lot of her & grog’s shenanigans as children. they were a terror duo in westruun.

i think pike fought a lot with sarenrae during her sabbatical away from the group. going out on the broke howl & facing storms after actually tasting death. it left a sort of impression on her. pike being a cleric to a weakened god is fascinating. part of her got angry at sarenrae for allowing her to die when she was really angry at herself for being weak enough to. she died. she wasn’t there to protect them & it’s her biggest fear. to not be able to help or worse, to fail. it’s part of why pike always wants to be with vm & why having to leave them all the time hurts her. pike growling at the storm & standing her ground, basically refusing to let her crew go under & clawing at every reserve of her magic & ounce of strength she has in her to weather it. to do what she can, to fight.

pike & percy bonding over serious life-changing revelations while on a ship. pike declared a war & percy invented a gun. good times.

pike is absolutely a bit embarrassed about her crush on percy. percy’s a fine friend, yeah, but also holy shit.

she’s quite happy post campaign. very, very happy. she has her family, she has her purpose. she’s pike trickfoot & that’s a good thing.

#&. ` — out.#i. ` — pike / speculation.#i might ?? do these for other muses if people are interested #i rant enough good lord i might as well have them in one place

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eponymous-rose · 5 years

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The Briarwood Arc: A Summary (with timestamps!)

With all the excitement over CR’s new Kickstarter stretch goals including an animated series covering the first campaign’s Briarwood Arc, I thought it might be handy to have a little reference for folks wanting to jump in at this point (which, as it happens, is a great jumping-in point for the first campaign). This arc is a fan-favorite because it really marks the starting point of a lot of the more serious character development in the show, while setting the standard for bringing a character’s backstory front-and-center into the main plotline. It also happens to contain a ton of especially cinematic moments.

If you just want to jump in now, the Briarwood Arc is generally considered to be episodes 24-36 of the first campaign. Be aware that earlier episodes contain the chat (often a bastion of complaints; a strategically placed post-it note on the screen goes a long way) and also a player who leaves the show permanently after episode 27 (more info here). While there are good moments and context provided earlier on, it actually works just fine to jump in on episode 28 as the start of the arc.

If you’d like a summary of the arc, complete with timestamped links to key moments, read on!

The Briarwood Arc is tied in with the backstory of Taliesin Jaffe’s character, named (deep breath) Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III.

Before meeting up with Vox Machina, Percy spent most of his time inventing and tinkering. One night, the de Rolos took Lord Sylas and Lady Delilah Briarwood in at their castle in Whitestone, invited them to stay for dinner... and the Briarwoods promptly started killing everyone, with the help of some of those inside the castle. Percy’s younger sister Cassandra helped him escape the attack, but she was shot down in a hail of arrows, and Percy barely survived by jumping into a freezing river. Not long after that, Percy started having dreams where a cloud of black smoke demanded vengeance... at which point he promptly woke up and started designing his first gun.

He’s been traveling with the rest of the group for some time now, studiously ignoring what’s been going on in the north and mostly trying to keep a low profile.

Things start taking a turn when, in episode 14, the party has a meeting with Sovereign Uriel Tal’Dorei, one of their most powerful political allies. Uriel casually mentions the Briarwoods’ names in passing (1:02:49). Percy manages to rally from that moment of shock and takes Uriel aside to fish for more details (1:25:28); he requests that any further information about the Briarwoods be sent his way.

Radio silence ensues until the party returns to Emon in episode 23, when Seeker Asum Emring (Uriel’s spymaster) approaches Percy to let him know the Briarwoods are coming to town in a week for a feast in their honor, celebrating the opening of a new trade route with the northeast (3:04:45). Asum’s clever enough (and has by now had enough northbound spies “mysteriously retire”) to be suspicious of the Briarwoods and is determined to keep an eye on them.

The start of episode 24 has the party finally talking about all this as a group; Percy explains his past history with the Briarwoods (0:20:48), and reveals that his Pepperbox revolver has names scrawled across five of the six barrels: the Briarwoods, plus three individuals who’d helped them in their slaughter. He mentions that he’d already tried to confront one of the three, Dr. Anna Ripley, but that her guards threw him into prison before he could even get close enough to see her face, which is how he wound up in the jail cell where the party first met him. Vox Machina pledge their support (0:28:47) to a tearful Percy, and start preparing for this unknown confrontation with the Briarwoods.

The plan (such as it is) is to have Scanlan turn Vax invisible during the feast, so he can do some snooping around. Percy will enter the feast disguised as Vax, just in case he gets put in a position to be recognized. They’ll play it by ear from there, following Percy’s lead.

The party runs into Asum at the main gates, and he instantly sees through Percy’s disguise when he doesn’t quite manage an imitation of Vax’s voice. (2:49:30) Asum mentions that Vax should meet him in the foyer while the feast’s underway to help him out with his reconnaissance.

Vox Machina watch as the Briarwoods make their appearance (2:59:10); they seem extremely self-possessed and charming, and a very tense dinner ensues. In the suspense, Vax completely forgets about going to reconnoiter with Asum, and then decides to follow the Briarwoods to their room at the end of the night to see what he can find out (3:39:00). After dispatching their guards, he opens the door to their chamber... only to see both of them looking directly at him. (3:43:10).

Episode 25 picks up after that cliffhanger, with an increasingly desperate Vax trying to talk his way out of the room (0:14:00). Sylas reveals himself to be a vampire, and he and Delilah attack. Vax manages to jump out a window and yell a warning to the rest of the group through the Earring of Whisper, but soon finds himself bleeding out alone at the Briarwoods’ feet (0:39:15). The rest of the party arrives in the courtyard just in the nick of time (complete with a legendary couple of rolls from Vex - 0:58:48) to rescue Vax from the brink of death, and to pull a baffled Asum out of the effects of a charm spell. In the battle, Vex is nearly killed in one shot by a particularly powerful spell from Delilah.

During the confrontation, the Briarwoods recognize Percy (1:16:38). They attempt to flee via carriage, then successfully flee via magic, but invite Percy and the rest of the party to join them in Whitestone, casually mentioning that it would be nice for him to visit his family once in a while (1:52:50).

Frustrated by the Briarwoods’ departure, Percy brutally interrogates the Briarwoods’ carriage driver, a terrified young man named Desmond (1:55:10). The party decides to lock Desmond up in their keep, mainly for his own protection. On a little side venture to help out Lillith, an ally who emerged unexpectedly during the fight, Percy snaps and completely annihilates a baddie (3:06:15), which understandably worries the group even more.

Unfortunately, after this big Percy-centric episode, Taliesin unfortunately is too ill to participate in episode 26, and Percy spends it working feverishly in his laboratory. For the rest of Vox Machina, the order of the day is having to explain to Uriel Tal’Dorei why they attacked important allies out of nowhere, which doesn’t go over super well (0:39:31). Asum reveals to the group that he’s keeping an eye on things and is trying to act like he’s still under the Briarwoods’ charm. In a frustrated attempt to improve their image by helping out some farmers, shit gets a little weird for Vox Machina (2:34:38).

Episode 27 opens with Percy waking up from a horrific nightmare about his family being slaughtered... that promptly takes form when he goes to check on Desmond and finds him being strangled by an invisible presence in the cells (0:17:07). Luckily, with Trinket’s help (and the rest of Vox Machina returning home at an opportune time), Desmond is saved and the ghostly presence is defeated, but it’s clear that there’s only one way forward: the party starts on the road to Whitestone.

In episode 28, after battling a behir along the way, the party arrives in Whitestone and cautiously scopes it out to find a city composed of an exhausted, downtrodden populace working in fear of the “new nobles” (1:39:00), with zombified giants patrolling the streets. The party’s plan right now centers around the city’s central symbol of hope: if they can bring the Sun Tree, a holy tree to the sun god Pelor in the town square, back to its earlier splendor, they hope to be able to thwart this vampiric assault on the city.

Unfortunately, as they get closer, they realize the Sun Tree has become a gallows. And the bodies are a very specific message. (2:39:13)

From an underground hideout, Keyleth uses her druidic abilities to attempt to commune with the Sun Tree, but discovers that it is, in fact, dead (2:54:05). Welcome to Whitestone.

Episode 29 starts with Keyleth attempting to resurrect the Sun Tree (and Travis and Laura battling traffic to get to the show), while Percy, Scanlan, and Vax check out a temple Percy remembers from his youth, the Zenith (0:26:27). This is the start of Vox Machina’s epic battle against doors, as it takes the three of them multiple spells and half an hour in real time to defeat... an unlocked door.

Once inside, they find the remains of Father Reynal and square off with a banshee that nearly kills Percy twice before Scanlan manages to finish it off (1:07:45). They discover that this temple has become a laboratory for someone who lost their hand attempting to replicate Percy’s firearm technology. At Percy’s request, Vax carves the de Rolo family crest into the altar, along with “Pelor lives in Whitestone”.

The party reconvenes and decides on the next course of action: attacking one of the “new nobles” of the town, one of the names on Percy’s List. Kerrion Stonefell. The party spends the night in their underground hideout, and Percy emphatically Does Not sleep well (1:29:45).

Before scoping out Stonefell’s mansion, the party decides to sow some seeds of rebellion in the city and chats with Keeper Yennen, a religious leader in the city, at his temple, the Lady’s Chamber. Percy doesn’t outright reveal his identity (the party’s been proceeding in disguise), but makes ambiguous statements that pique Yennen’s interest (2:04:30).

The party proceeds to Stonefell’s mansion and manages to infiltrate completely successfully, surprising Stonefell and launching into a vicious battle with perfect timing before he can set up his defenses (2:31:40). When Stonefell sees Percy’s weapon, he’s immediately confused and utters, “Ripley?”, revealing her to be the one who has been experimenting on Percy’s technology. Throughout the battle, dark smoke begins pouring from Percy’s body, and things get decidedly creepy as he dons a bird-faced mask to make the final blow on Stonefell (3:21:55). He promptly huddles in a corner of the room and tries to carve Stonefell’s name off his Pepperbox.

Meanwhile, the rest of the party brings around Vouk, Stonefell’s lieutenant. They try to get some information from him, and Vouk offers to take them to the Briarwoods’ “project room” below the castle in exchange for his life, which they decide isn’t very valuable information and is more likely a trap. Percy, coming out of his stupor as he discovers that Stonefell’s name has actually vanished from his gun, decides it’s best to set Vouk free, on the condition that he is marked and his tongue taken. Grog is only too happy to oblige, and Percy brands him with his gun (3:45:17). Grog and Scanlan are on board with this violence. The half-elves (Keyleth and the twins) are getting increasingly unnerved. The party carries the survivors out of the building, and Keyleth lights the mansion on fire once they’re out.

Episode 30 (which features everyone’s Halloween costumes) begins with a much-needed heart-to-heart among Vox Machina in their underground hideout about the nature of morality and trust (0:16:30). Their sleep that night is interrupted by a vampire attack that is in part thwarted by... Scanlan pissing on one, because running water (1:00:45). Even after the party relocates away from directly under the Sun Tree for the rest of the night, Percy has another restless night’s sleep, awakening with an even more heightened sense of corruption and sadism (1:31:08).

The party meets up with Jordana Whisk, the daughter of Simon, an enchanter Percy once knew who’s now working in the castle for the Briarwoods. They reveal that Percy is alive, although he can’t drop his illusion in front of her; she gives them some supplies and recommends they return to the Lady’s Chamber to speak further with Keeper Yennen. They do so, and wind up in a private conversation with Yennen and Percy’s father’s former chancellor, Archibald Desnay.

In front of these two allies, Percy finally reveals his true identity (2:35:20). But there’s another bombshell ready to drop: Archibald reveals that Percy’s sister Cassandra is alive, and has been secretly helping with the rebellion from her seat in the castle.

The party splits up past this point; there are three more nobles’ mansions remaining, so the party sends Scanlan alone to one to create a distraction while they attack another, leaving the fourth mansion for last. Scanlan... promptly turns into a triceratops (2:58:45).

Episode 31 opens with a truly epic segment in which Scanlan, working alone, just... annihilates the mansion through an increasingly bizarre sequence of events (0:14:55). It’s a glorious and surreal half-hour that culminates with the goliath Duke Goran Vedmire, one of the Briarwoods’ allies, getting thrown off a flaming rooftop in the middle of a thunderstorm. As you do.

The rest of Vox Machina, meanwhile, attacks Count Tylieri’s mansion, and discover the Count to be a vampire. Not to be outdone, Trinket rips off his head in the battle that ensues (1:32:00). The party starts interrogating a surviving guard, but when they discover that these guards were responsible for killing the people strung up on the Sun Tree, including a child, Vax slits his throat (2:07:55). Vex, meanwhile, confronts Percy, who still has smoke swirling around his ankles (2:11:32).

Once again, Keyleth burns down the mansion, and as the party reunites, they find people rising up in the streets, townsfolk beginning to hack down the zombie giants. This, it seems, is a point of no return: the rebellion has begun. Vox Machina make their way to the Sun Tree, where they find that the bodies have been cut down. In the midst of the storm, though, they see dozens, hundreds of skeletons approaching; the Briarwoods’ answer to the nascent rebellion (0:49:47).

Episode 32 opens with the unexpected return of a friend in spectral form: Pike crashes into the battle and starts annihilating skeletons (0:24:55), doing what a cleric does best. The party then splits into two groups to help the townsfolk deal with the remaining zombie giants. These dispatched, they regroup and learn that Pike’s been having visions of Whitestone, particularly of Percy; thanks to her goddess Sarenrae’s aid, she’s been sent in this spectral form to assist the party.

Heartened by the return of their friend, the party starts toward the castle itself. They find the hidden passage Percy and Cassandra used to escape during the attack and start in toward the castle. Very conscious of her friends’ concerns, alongside her own, Pike casts a restoration spell on Percy, who isn’t completely recovered, but seems a little less shaky (2:32:30).

Resting for the night in the tunnel, Percy and Vax have a heart-to-heart (2:42:45). Percy dreams again that night, this time hearing an ominous voice: “Don’t forget our deal.” (2:47:10)

Moving ahead the next day, the party emerges into the castle’s dungeons, where they find an old woman locked in a cell. After some awkward questioning, the group decides it’s probably best to come back for her later. At the old woman’s insistence, Vex pretends to try to pick the lock, and when she messes it up, the woman grabs her with both hands... except she doesn’t, because one of her hands is an illusion (3:32:40). Vex remembers that Anna Ripley lost a hand trying to reproduce Percy’s technology.

Coming off that realization, episode 33 begins with Vex revealing what she just figured out to the party (0:14:55). Keyleth dispels the woman’s illusion, revealing Anna Ripley, who immediately wants to join the party in taking the Briarwoods down. She explains that she helped the Briarwoods kill the de Rolos and seize power five years ago, but was just brought in to help out with some sort of mysterious construction project under the castle. When the work was finished, she claims, the Briarwoods were finished with her and locked her up to languish in the cell. Percy, bolstered by magical means, convinces her to lead them to Cassandra and further demands that she tell them how to find Professor Anders, his former teacher who turned on the family in the attack (Anders, Ripley, and the Briarwoods are the remaining names on the barrels of Percy’s gun).

When Percy reveals his identity to her, Ripley is frightened, but also unabashedly delighted (0:31:45). Unfortunately, around this time, Pike’s astral form dissipates.

The party, shaken and uneasy, allows Ripley to lead them to her chambers to get some of her things. Ripley reveals her latest project: a firearm she’s created based on Percy’s designs, working based off secondhand accounts. The party confiscates that, as well as a few potions, but lets her keep her armor in case of trouble.

They continue on to Cassandra’s chambers, where they find correspondence with Archibald Desnay about the ins and outs of several failed rebellion attempts. Percy starts to get impatient that they still haven’t found Cassandra (1:06:30). Ripley reveals a little more information: the Briarwoods have been working on some sort of distillery, used to melt down and focus the eponymous whitestone found in the region into “residuum”, which has powerful magical properties. The Briarwoods are using this residuum to do something with an old Ziggurat located beneath the castle, but she knows nothing more about that side of it beyond that it involves some third party. She hazards a guess that the Ziggurat is located right underneath the Sun Tree itself.

When the party expresses an interest in skipping over Anders and going straight for the Briarwoods, Ripley starts baiting Percy, reminding him that Anders was his sister’s keeper, and convinces him to go after Anders instead (1:11:55). Vex, frustrated and keeping an arrow nocked at Ripley’s throat, tells Vax to sneak ahead and check out the study.

As Vax gets close to the study, he sees a frantic-looking Anders holding a knife to Cassandra’s throat. As Vax jumps in to intervene, Cassandra calls out that it’s a trap (1:19:46). Anders promptly slits her throat. The rest of the party hastens to catch up, with Vex tasking Trinket to hang on to Ripley. Keyleth heals a very confused Cassandra (a detail the party misses: when Cassandra is healed, there’s suddenly no more blood on her skin or clothing). Grog gets caught in a Dominate Person spell and is ordered to kill Vax, which he nearly succeeds in doing; a couple more hits from magically animated suits of armor take Vax near to death, but Keyleth and Vex bring him back from the brink.

Meanwhile, Percy, bird-shaped mask concealing his face, wreathed once again in black smoke, confronts Anders (2:00:00). It does not end well for the professor. Anders’ name flares and vanishes from the barrel of Percy’s gun. Vex grabs Percy by the hand and tells him to take off the mask (2:09:15).

When the last enemies are dispatched, the party realizes that Ripley’s making an escape; Grog, Scanlan, and Trinket nearly catch up with her, but she uses magic to evade capture and disappears. A badly shaken Vax approaches Keyleth: “You know I’m in love with you, right?” (0:04:00)

Percy castigates and then thanks Vax for his rash action, then turns to Cassandra for the first time in five years. “...hi.” (0:17:57) Cassandra reveals that the Briarwoods took her in after the arrows felled her, healed her, and set her up as a caged figurehead in the castle to earn them legitimacy. They talk about the Briarwoods’ plans, and Cassandra insists that she’ll be accompanying the group, wearing her mother’s armor, especially since she’s been working against the Briarwoods by aiding rebellions for so long. She and Percy have a great little sibling moment (0:21:30). On their way down into the cellars of the castle, Cassandra reveals that Delilah isn’t a vampire like Sylas, but is instead an extremely powerful human necromancer. The two of them speak frequently of this third party, “The Whispered One”.

The party fights spirits of the de Rolo’s ancestors on their way down; one ghost comes very close to killing Percy outright. Scanlan heals him, then literally mocks the ghost to death... again. (1:59:30)

Episode 34 has the party at a crossroads, with one path leading toward the acid pits used in the residuum distillation process (Pike has also returned, in spectral form). The party finds a bronze room with several small gemstones built into the floor. After some experimentation, with each member of the party touching a gemstone, Cassandra finds a gemstone next to a door nearby and touches it... and two large walls of green glass slam down, trapping Vox Machina in the room.

Behind Cassandra, the Briarwoods walk through the door. Vax immediately notices a placard behind them and uses his magical cloak to teleport to it, slamming one hand on the button. The Briarwoods are amused as the button, horrifically, causes acid to be pumped into the room containing the rest of Vox Machina... (1:19:14). Lord Briarwood promptly uses charm magic to pull Vax to their side, and they bring him with them as they leave Vox Machina to be dissolved.

And Cassandra? Cassandra confronts Percy through the glass: “Your sister left us the day those arrows found my chest. She did not die from those wounds, but to watch you leave me there in the snow. I have a new family. I am a Briarwood, and I have a destiny with the Whispered One.” (1:26:40)

Once Vox Machina have been left alone, Pike notices that the acid melts whitestone, and that the ceiling of this room is made of whitestone. Using a flying potion confiscated from Ripley, Vex manages to turn the tubes delivering the acid so they burn an escape route into the ceiling.

As the party begins to trail after the Briarwoods, Cassandra, and Vax, Percy realizes that there’s a new name on the previously blank barrel of his gun: Cassandra de Rolo. (2:07:42)

The party manages to surprise the Briarwoods on the stairs leading up to the top of the ziggurat, and the fight begins in earnest. In the fray, Vax manages to break out of the charm spell, and while Cassandra begins the fight on the Briarwoods’ side, she eventually drops her sword, torn and uncertain. Keyleth nearly annihilates Sylas with a couple of well-placed Sunbeam spells, and Scanlan thwarts Delilah’s attempt to teleport him to safety with a Counterspell.

Percy manages to shoot Delilah, but Cassandra runs to her with a healing potion. Keyleth and Pike take that moment to destroy Sylas Briarwood once and for all. (3:44:46)

Delilah is devastated. “You can’t... I broke the world for us! No...” (3:47:11) She uses short-range teleportation to get out of the immediate line of fire. Vax and Grog knock out Cassandra and tie her up, to confront later.

Still able to fly thanks to the potion she took earlier, Vex gets a bird’s-eye view of the inside of the ziggurat: a room with the shape of a hand carved into the floor. Delilah’s standing at the center of it, reading some sort of scroll.

The party jumps into action, taking shots at Delilah from the top of the wall into the room, but she’s focused on her spell and splashes some of her own blood on a black orb in the center of the room.

The orb starts to spin. (4:04:30) All around Delilah, the walls are covered in a tapestry of hundreds of dead bodies, each missing their left hand and/or left eye, and they begin to writhe.

Vex, still flying, dives down to try to get the orb out of there. Delilah turns and casts the same spell on her she did back in episode 25: Finger of Death. (4:13:49) Vex comes within 1 HP of being permanently killed by the spell.

Delilah turns back to the orb, which spins faster and faster... and suddenly flashes, in an instant, down to the size of a dime. Her terrified anticipation turns to horror. “It can’t be too soon.”

The writhing walls stop. In fact, all magic within the ziggurat stops... including Vex’s flying spell. (4:16:40) She hits the ground with enough force to knock her out, and it takes the frantic party a moment to realize that they can’t heal her with magic, and she’s now bleeding out. Percy shoots Delilah, but manages not to kill her outright, instead shooting off her arm. Fortunately, Vex stabilizes on her own.

A terrified Vax stays with his sister while the rest of the party drags the unconscious Lady Briarwood away. Keyleth stays behind, experimentally poking a piece of residuum glass into the orb... and promptly takes a massive amount of damage and is nearly sucked into it (4:33:21). Vax realizes she stayed behind and runs back toward her... but she recognizes that her initial plan of collapsing the ziggurat isn’t going to work if she can’t use magic. The party flees.

Episode 35 starts with Vex being revived and healed outside the antimagic effect of the orb. A dazed, exhausted, and overwhelmed Cassandra explains her part in all this: the Briarwoods didn’t just keep her around for legitimacy, they kept her around to find out about and quash rebellions like the ones that Archibald attempted. (0:40:38) She finally makes eye contact with Percy, realizing that even with the (magically and non-magically) charming influence of the Briarwoods and her fury and fear at how Percy left her for dead, her family deserves to be avenged.

The familiar black smoke begins to billow out of Percy’s sleeves, and the smoke entity that’s been speaking to him begins demanding revenge. (0:41:30) Percy points the gun at Lady Briarwood’s head and demands that the entity take Cassandra’s name off the gun. “Did I even want revenge before I talked to you?”

The party’s very unnerved by this entire conversation, especially considering they can only hear Percy’s side of it and they see him occasionally putting the gun to his own head. Percy fires the gun at Lady Briarwood’s hand, revealing that the gun was broken in the fight. “I’m not satisfied. I want my money back.” The entity tries something, but Percy shrugs it off.

Lady Briarwood regains consciousness and Percy demands answers, creating the illusion of Sylas’ death to torment her (0:46:00). Delilah, boiling with fury, just mutters that the Whispered One gave her Sylas back, and Percy took him from her again. The group knocks her out again.

Pike and Scanlan recall some information about the Whispered One: it’s a phrase used to refer to the name “Vecna”, a powerful archlich, who once, hundreds and hundreds of years ago, tried to ascend to godhood and was halted in that process.

As the conversation continues, Percy begins to reach for his rifle, but pushes away the urge, and actually manages to expel the strange smoke creature from his body (0:59:19). The party very literally battles Percy’s demon, and Grog and Trinket manage to destroy it (2:02:05). A little remnant of darkness remains in Percy, but the creature is destroyed.

Percy defers to Cassandra when it comes to executing Delilah (2:03:50). Cassandra stabs her. “You took them away from me. And now we’re taking everything away from you.”

The party walks back past the acid pits. As they do, Scanlan uses magic to convince Percy to hand him his gun, the Pepperbox, and promptly throws it into the acid (0:05:26). That last little nugget of darkness in Percy’s chest vanishes as the gun is melted. Percy is somewhat more alarmed at how expensive the gun will be to replace.

Vox Machina emerge back into the city of Whitestone, where the townsfolk have gathered up the last of the Briarwoods’ powerful allies (minus Ripley, who is nowhere to be seen). Grog executes a Countess Jazna Grebin, but Vedmire (who survived his fall off the building) is kept alive, in keeping with Percy’s determination that Whitestone is now a city of mercy. Vox Machina also discreetly let some people know about the horrific scene below the castle, and start gathering people to study the orb and its antimagic effects.

Keyleth goes to check on the Sun Tree, and determines that the tree isn’t so much dead as dormant, and is now starting to awaken again. Vax finds her there, and after some awkwardness (mostly out-of-character flailing by the rest of the group), tells her that he’ll give her all the time she needs to process his confession: “If you’ll have me, I’m yours.” (0:59:14)

The sun finally sets on a clear night in Whitestone, and the rebuilding begins. (1:05:34)

(Episode 36, you ask? Episode 36 is Whitestone celebrating its first Winter’s Crest Festival in a very, very long time.)

#critical role #critical role spoilers #long text post

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emdop · 5 years

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The Fuckening: Modern YA Fantasy Misunderstands Feminism and Effective Plot Structure

Alright, mother fuckers, buckle up. Like most book lovers, I read many books and I’m always searching for the next one that will make me develop a hyper-fixation. Nothing beats the rush of finding media so good that time loses all meaning and you’d sell your soul for the next hit of content. The amazingness directly results from being rare. So in between the moments of stuffing your face full of your favorite characters, the other books are read. The ones that could have been good but aren’t successful. The ones with the lying, beautiful covers used to lure readers into forking over crumpled cash while hugging the hopefully precious gem. Then, all the words are read and the covers are closed, and there’s only the silence of disappointment and mediocrity.

Anyway, I read a book. Shocking, I know. It had so much promise and as I delved into the first fifty pages; I thought I found a winner. Then it started to sink in a massive Titanic kind of way. This book was Wicked Saints by Emily A. Duncan (this essay/rant will have spoilers and will discuss the ending). I’m prefacing this rant with a disclaimer, not because I’m trying to side-step backlash, but because I feel it’s worth mentioning. This is all my opinion and if you loved this book with all your heart, that’s awesome! I understand why someone would spend time reading, writing, and engaging with it. It’s possible to recognize the weaknesses of a piece of media and still like it; I just happen to not like it because of those weaknesses. Returning to my point, the pitfalls, mistakes, and blandness of this book are rampant throughout Young Adult literature, particularly in Fantasy. As a writer myself, I’m not immune to committing the same sins, but I think it’s valuable to examine why and how these unfortunate tropes keep appearing. I have several points I want to explore in this essay, but the main two are the pretend feminist values and poor writing craft.

Part One: YA Book Feminism and Bland Female Characters

Wicked Saints is marketed as a book about a girl who can communicate with gods and draw power from them. Her magic is rare in a world full of blood magic users and as the war between her country, Kalayazin, and the opposing force, Tranavia, clashes on her front porch, readers are led to believe that she’s an integral part of how this war will end. I was here for this. I was so ready to scream about this book to anyone who will listen. Now, I’m screaming about it for a different reason.

Nadya, our human incarnation of the god’s Walkie-Talkie, is not like other girls. She’s special and powerful and exceptional. At first, I bought this lie, much like I did with every other book like this one. I thought, finally, here’s a badass heroine who will take charge of her life and wield her powers to create a lasting peace or at least kill everyone. When the readers meet Nadya, she’s living in a monastery to hide from Tranavians since her magic is so rare and powerful, they’re sure to seek her destruction. Then, they find her, or rather Tranavia’s prince, Serefin, (a boy-general, because adults don’t exist in YA) does. Serefin tries to kill Nadya, but she escapes with help of Forgettable Best Friend.

Lately, I’m reading a trend of books that build a “strong” female narrator by giving her some sass, adding a rare but useless magic, and having her not die. Then they slap words like empowering, feminist, or well-crafted into the marketing campaign and call it good representation. This isn’t quite what happened with Wicked Saints, but I had the impression that Nadya would be more than what she actually was in the book. The hardback cover has the words “Let them fear her,” engraved into it for gods’ sake. I thought she was going to at least do something.

Okay, there was one time she did something. While on the run from Serefin and the other Tranavians, Nadya and Forgettable Best Friend find a group of misfits being attacked. Nadya, in the confusion of who’s an enemy and who’s an ally, asks the gods for help. One responds by vanishing all light for like ten minutes or something. This scene is one reason I bought the lie that Nadya was going to be a Bad Ass Mother Fucker, but this is the only time I remember her using any kind of significant power. In fact, once the plot gets going, Nadya is cut off from her powers almost entirely. I’ll get to that later. Back to the group of misfits, which includes a broody, yet totally handsome Tranavian, Malachiasz, and bam, we’ve found the love interest. Malachiasz is a Vulture which I understood as a privatized military group that’s ruthless, skilled, and detached from the world (no family or friends). So, Nadya hates him on site, but Malachiasz has defected and has like emotion now. They argue a bunch and exchange heated glances.

Now that we’ve introduced our male characters (Serefin, Malachiasz, and some other dude in the misfit group), our plot gets going. There’s nothing wrong with introducing characters to start a plot, that’s how story-telling works. What I’m finding frustrating in this book and many others like it, is that the male characters make most of the decisions. They show the most autonomy and participate in the drama/action. Serefin is leading an army, making command decisions, and drinking copious amounts of alcohol (I don’t have time to get into the drinking to drown your feelings is Not Good argument, but know that this book doesn’t call out his addict behavior). Malachiasz and his band of friends are planning to assassinate the king. The female characters have run away, observed, and turned out the lights. Where is the girl who’s inspiring fear in the gods themselves? Where is the girl who’s fighting for justice and her future? Granted we’re only a hundred pages in at this point, so I’ll excuse it for now.

In the meantime, the king calls Serefin back to the palace for Rawalyk, an event where noble women compete against each other to win the prince’s hand in marriage. Nadya and crew travel to Tranavia and disguise themselves as people participating in the event. I forgot to mention that the Tranavians only use blood magic and hate the gods, and in an effort to keep them out, the king put a barrier around the country, which keeps Nadya from using her powers. Convenient. And so very disappointing. As per their plan, Nadya has to get close enough to the king to kill him, so she uses Rawalyk to gain access. Nadya offends one of the other suitors and the suitor challenges her to an Agni Kai—sorry, different story, a duel, rather. Nadya has to pretend to use blood magic, so she can hide her true identity. Near the point of winning the duel, Nadya realizes it’s to the death, but she doesn’t want to kill the girl, so she tells her she’ll spare her. Then, Malachiasz uses his magic to end the girl’s life. Again, there are male characters forcing the plot forward while the female character’s agency is stripped.

We’re now over two hundred pages in and Nadya hasn’t done shit except for worry about her crush and follow other people. Our narrator is a “powerful” girl, but the most interesting characters are boys and only male characters move the plot forward. I guess, who needs a personality or autonomy when you can have a love interest? To make matters worse, in the middle of all this crap, she’s thinking about her male best friend who died, but is coming back in book two, and not even Forgettable Best Friend who is actively trying to help them. Nadia thinks to herself “Kostya. You’re doing this for Kostya, she reminded herself,” (Duncan 256). Kostya was in this book for like five pages, who the fuck is this bitch? Why does anyone care? Why can’t she be going on this quest for herself, for her country, for her supposedly beloved gods?

YA Fantasies keep prioritizing and valuing the actions of male characters over female ones. There are exceptions, but they only prove the rule. I’ve seen this repeatedly in books like City of Bones, Caraval, Shadow & Bone, Harry Potter, and now Wicked Saints. Some of those books are my favorite books, but if I never critique them, I’ll never want better or search for books that do more. I want to see more YA fantasies treat female characters like their male ones. I want female characters who participate in the narrative, make mistakes, experience success, and, I don’t know, have some ambition and goals. They should use their talents and be integral to the plot, because Wicked Saints’ plot still could have happened without Nadya.

Part Two: Character Development and Effective Plot Structure

Let’s get into this dumpster fire of an ending. While staying at the palace and pretending to be a suitor to the prince, Nadya uncovers parts of Malachiasz’s past and finds out he’s the leader of the Vultures who’s disappeared for reasons unknown. Nayda gets captured and tortured and learns that her gods may not be who she thinks they are, and she has her own power that she can always use. And does she use it? Not really. She questions everything, but not Malachiasz. Him, she makes out with. Nadya’s group and Serefin’s converge and they trust each other because they both want the same thing: the king dead. Serefin knows his father is trying to kill him and uses the help of the misfits, including, plot twist, his cousin, Malachiasz.

Serefin doesn’t understand why his father wants to marry him off and plotting to kill him at the same time, and eventually, Malachiasz talks about his past. He became the leader of the Vultures and was researching the gods when he figured out, in theory, how to become one. He gave this information to the king and you can imagine how a narcissistic king will feel about that. Malachiasz regrets his actions and runs away. Part of the process of becoming a god involves ingesting the blood of powerful magic users, hence the Rawalyk event and Nadya’s torture; they were collecting blood from the suitors. The king also has to sacrifice the prince to complete his goals. Together, they come up with a plan to corner the king while he’s attempting to perform the ceremony to become a god and kill him.

It all goes spectacularly wrong. Serefin gets captured and killed by his father, but he doesn’t die? I don’t know; there were a lot of moths involved and I was very confused. Malachiasz and Nadya go after the king and there’s a mediocre fight scene. Nadya kills the king but not after like three pages of her debating why Malachiasz is just chilling on the throne and watching this all happen. Malachiasz betrays the group, taking the power for himself. Nadya has the nerve to be surprised and heartbroken. He turns into a bird-like thing and flies out the window into the darkness.

The only time Nadya uses her own magic to do something it turns out to be in service to a male character’s goals. I’m tired and I hope you are too. Anyway, this section’s purpose is to look at effective plot structure. Wicked Saints meanders for three hundred pages trying to tie together a book about war, marriage competition, and religion. When the plot points all converge for the last eighty pages, we ultimately learn nothing more than we did at page 200. If this is a book about villains than why are minimally bad things happening? Why did no one die except for the throw away character at the book’s beginning? Why aren’t there more consequences for the character’s actions? My questions are answered by pointing at the poor plot structure and terrible character development. This book is run by boring characters whose actions don’t amount to anything, and that’s when they actually do something. Characters should evolve or devolve depending on the narrative. They should enact the plot, not have the plot happen to them. The few times we get characters changing, it’s followed by the most basic plot twists. Looking at Malachiasz in particular, we meet him while he’s plotting to kill the king with his new acquaintances, then he meets Nadya. She calls him a monster a million times, and he doesn’t deny it. They plot to kill the king again. By the end, we find out he’s only in this for himself and surprise, he’s not a good guy! Did not see that coming.

Continuing my rant on Malachiasz, Wicked Saints has one of the poorest representations of anxiety that I have seen in a long time. (Note: right after this I read Truly Devious and boy, the whip lash I had from that transition. From one the worst to one of the absolute best). Before I rip into this terrible character development, let me discuss two things: one, I don’t know if the author suffers from anxiety. It’s possible that Duncan experiences it very differently than me, and this may be good rep for someone else (I have my doubts about this since I can shred it like wet tissue paper, but I’m willing to mention this possibility). Two, considering Malachiasz’s turn to The Dark Side, it may have been purposeful bad representation. Essentially, he never had anxiety, just needed Nadya to trust him. Okay, with that out of the way, let me scream this: ANXIETY IS NOT CUTE. IT’S NOT A FUN, QUIRKY CHARACTER TRAIT. PLEASE FOR LOVE OF MEDUSA, STOP USING MENTAL ILLNESS AS A CRUTCH FOR YOUR INABILITY TO WRITE COMPLEX CHARACTERS.

The only thing we know about his anxiety is that he bites his nails. Sigh. I’m sorry it’s just that the more I think about it, the angrier I get. Wicked Saints came in an OwlCrate box and in the letter from the author to the reader she describes Malachiasz as “a boy whose earnest anxiety hides monstrous secrets.” Except anxiety doesn’t hide what you’re feeling, in fact it often puts your deepest fears on display for other people to see and usually at the worst moment. Anxiety has a million symptoms, many of which can be observed from the outside and thus easily incorporated from the point of view of a non-anxious character. Here’s a list: panic attacks, hyperventilating, shaking, hypervigilance, irritability, restlessness, sweating, tense muscles, difficulty sleeping, and fatigue. Sometimes Malachiasz displays fatigue and irritability, but it’s when the other characters are in the same headspace, so it doesn’t count, because it can easily be chocked up to circumstance, not mental illness.

If we ignore the author’s implication that his anxiety is earnest and assume that he faked it to gain Nadya’s trust, we get to a problem. The book never explores how he lied or parses through where he’s genuine, so, I have to assume that he was supposed to have anxiety. He’s called a monster so many times I got irritated. Aside the fact that it’s offensive to make the only mentally ill character a “monster,” it’s downright annoying to read a million times. Malachiaz is an attempt at a morally gray character. He makes decisions that only benefit himself, but sometimes he saves lives or kisses a girl, so some parts of him are still good. I’m okay with that, what I’m not okay with is piss poor characterization. People with anxiety can be bad! But if you make your villain anxious, it should be for a better reason than he needed a personality.

After I finished this book, I looked through some Good Reads reviews and many of the users pointed out something I hadn’t noticed. To use the blood magic, characters had to cut themselves, and reviewers found they didn’t like how this glorified self-harm. Many suggested that a trigger warning for self-harm should be placed at the beginning or the magic system should have been handled with more sensitivity. As someone who does not have personal experience with self-harm, I won’t elaborate and instead let other people make of it what they will.

There were two parts of the book’s description that sold me on it: one, the girl talks to gods, and two, a star-crossed romance. We already know how disappointed I was about that first plot point, now let’s talk about the other disappointment of the day. A fantastic rule going around on the internet goes “if they have to kiss for you to know they’re in love, it’s not good romance.”

I will say something that may offend many people, but hopefully you’ll stick with me. Young Adult Fantasy books have bad romances. They’re underdeveloped, poorly crafted, and overused. Romance is my favorite genre, and I love seeing it in other types of books, but many times YA fantasies have the worst romances. Despite being constantly undervalued, romance sells and adding it to books usually helps pique people’s interest. But you don’t just “add” it to your book, because romance is hard to write. Hold on, I need that in capital letters. ROMANCE IS HARD TO WRITE. Good romance comes from nuance, established trust, chemistry, and gradual character developments. If a writer doesn’t do those things, you get insta-love, which isn’t satisfying or believable.

Wicked Saints tries to do an enemies-to-lovers trope. Nadya and Malachiasz don’t spend enough time together to develop a proper friendship much less a romance. They have legitimate reasons to hate each other and neither of them seem to change enough for it to be justified that their feelings have evolved. Nadya loses contact with the gods, but that should serve as a crisis of her own faith, not an automatic belief in something else. Her willingness to ignore Malachiasz’s obvious red flags is beyond frustrating and I can’t believe the book wanted me to be surprised that he betrayed the group at the end. Anyway, it’s time to make some conclusions, otherwise this essay/rant will never end.

Part Three: How Did We Get Here?

Wicked Saints is not the first to do these exact mistakes, and it’s here because of its predecessors. What other books do we know that have a Russian culture theme, a useless female narrator, and a love interest who’s bad? That’s right. I’m about to bring up the internet’s infamous Grisha trilogy. Throughout my entire reading experience, I was struck by the similarities of these books to the point where I was sure I was reading a fanfiction AU of Shadow and Bone. These books are so similar it had me wondering about plagiarism (I’m mostly kidding about that). The Grisha trilogy and Wicked Saints use the same tired tropes and rely on the readers need to self-insert to make up for the narrator’s lack of personality.

How do we get books that shout about feminism but don’t incorporate it? Books are written by humans and humans live in a flawed world. Art doesn’t exist in a vacuum and so many of the things we create are flawed. Sometimes, what we meant to write isn’t what is written. An author may have every intention of creating strong, complex female characters, but through the difficulty of writing, poor planning, and a host of other reasons, the result is a bland, useless character. Many times, these characters are touted for having magnificent powers, but they never seem to use them or if they do its only in small ways. This happens, in part, because if the character is all-powerful then there’d be no plot, so to create tension the author takes the power away, scales it back, or adds an obstacle in the way of using said power. This is all well and great, but it often leaves readers feeling like the book duped them into believing this character is special. People don’t like to feel as though they’ve been lied to. In my opinion, “Gotcha” plots and character developments result from bad writing. With Wicked Saints there weren’t “Gotcha” moments so much as there were “please stop being a dumb bitch” moments. Nadya wanted to fall in love Malachiasz and the whole time I kept asking myself why. He’s a saltine with pretty eyes and fucked up nails. Then there’s Serefin who instead of dealing with his problems, he gets drunk. His big plot point is that he doesn’t die and turns into a swarm of moths for a while which would have been cool if they explained it in any kind of manner.

Stopping the proceeding rant, I should make conclusions and end this before it gets more out of hand. YA fantasies aren’t progressing the way they should, and you could point to several books that do incredible things, but they’re in the minority. YA authors need to make their narrators complex and fully formed instead of literal sawdust. We need authors to create better female and non-binary characters who have the same agency as their male counterparts. They should stop including romance in the first book. Let the characters grow and breathe for a hot second. Gradual bonds made through several books are always more satisfying and well-crafted than a rushed romance in book one. Also, people in the publishing industry, please, please, please use sensitivity readers. Or maybe search for books written by Own Voice authors. I know for a fact there are incredible writers creating amazing works out there. I’ve interacted with them. Someone publish their books before my head explodes.

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