#but i don't have it in me right now to make a proper thesis out of any of those threads. so i'll leave it to y'all :)

[agentravensong]

hey, r&g heads, you ever notice how

cause. there's something there, for sure. something about tying whether or not a person takes some meaning away from a work of art and whether or not it sticks with them long term (thereby making the art and artist immortal) to whether it makes them afraid.

can't quite put into words what, though.

[lakesbian]

you know what. im going to follow my heart so we can move on with the wormread and just copy-paste what i said about danny in chapter 6.9 on discord with some minimal editing because it's not pretty but the general thesis is there and i don't feel like making it into proper paragraph form

okay so the thing thats fucking killing me abotu 6.9 is that danny is literally like. he tries to call taylor a nickname only her mom called her once he realizes he's fucked up bad and is trying to recover whichi s insane [because it's obviously going to be upsetting to her by reminding her of her mom being gone, and it also indicates that his fall-back for something going wrong w/ taylor is to try to appeal to her by poorly copying someone else's parenting style] and he also randomly tells her about how her mom wanted to move her a grade ahead but he wanted her to stay in school with emma to make her happy. and he's been Stewing On That despite knowing it's objectively not his fault (and i am reminded of how in his interlude he spends time Stewing about how he wishes annette were there to give advice) and he also cops up to the fact that that the whole thing about "being her parent and not her ally" (<- demented thing to say for obvious reasons) wherein he locks her in a room and demands emotional vulnerability from her even as she's becoming visibly upset & compares his actions to emma's was her grandmother's idea and then. here's the real kicker. once lisa shows up and prepares to take taylor away there are any number of actions a parent confident that they're doing the right thing for their child would normally do in response--not, like, Good actions, but things that a parent would be likely to pull. threatening to call the cops bc blah blah you're my daughter, wanting to speak to lisa's parents, any form of power move pulled over these two teenage girls but instead he speaks to lisa like she's an equal authority over taylor and seriously asks if she's "okay with this" (i should remind you of the concussion chapter where lisa is doing some insane power move shit over taylors dad covertly establishing herself as more competent at caring 4 her than him lmao) which is just like. it's so glaringly wildly obvious how this guy has Zero confidence in himself as a parent so he generally does nothing and then while he's doing nothing he oscillates btwn rationalizing it to himself as allowing her privacy/dignity, getting angry at himself/calling himself a coward, or getting mad at TAYLOR and blaming HER for not being the one to take initiation to be vulnerable with him and, like. he literally does make functional decisions prior to this for a bit! he's good and supportive at the meeting with the school board about the bullying!!! but it doesn't immediately solve literal years of distance between them that have led to taylor having to take decisionmaking for her wellbeing entirely into her own hands w/o being able to tell him about it [& having literally no route for human connection or support other than the undersiders] so he just completely crumbles on his own calls and seeks out/takes completely shit advice from taylor's grandma instead so i very much think what's insinuated here is like. especially given that he knows he has anger issues and never wants to Be Scary with them. he might have frequently leaned on annette for parenting decisions before she died and/or is really fucking haunted by the time(s) he didn't listen to her and it went wrong and now that she's gone he's just kinda floundering and trying to toss the baton for parental decisionmaking onto anyone else, including, at one point, the literal teenage girl who shows up to help taylor run away from his house. insane ! also. thinking about how taylor says her grandma (maternal) never liked her dad. that man would literally rather talk to the mother of his dead wife, who hates him, and take her advice than go 'yeah ithink im gonna keep using my own judgement for compassion towards my daughter' fucking worst anyones ever done it this guy has the spine of a twizzler it's great

...and then doing All That & severely triggering taylor's trauma from the bullying in the process completely shatters any trust he had built with her, catalyzing her realization that she wants to be able to have meaningful relationships with the undersiders & leading to her running away to leave with them! i don't think anyone can say for sure whether or not danny Not doing this would have led to taylor turning the undersiders in before realizing that she would regret it, but oh fucking boy does he make SURE she doesn't go thru with it. and it would be bad to call the cops on a bunch of systematically neglected traumatized teenagers regardless of how much crime they're doing so you know what maybe we should actually thank danny for his Shit Parenting stopping taylor from being a narc

[moongothic]

Tbh I wanna see crocodile fight someone so we can see how strong he is because the last time he’s gotten in a real fight was in marineford. Does crocodile have haki? Does he need it at all to survive the new world? Like with most of the relevant pirates knowing haki, retroactively or otherwise, it’s kinda hard to gauge what he’s capable of

Anon I am so sorry I'm gonna go slightly off-topic/become deranged because I've been thinking about writing a whole ass post about this very subject and now you just gave me an excuse to word vomit incoherently instead. So I'm just gonna do that. I'm so sorry

(Hey won't you look at that I actually came back and edited this so it's vaguely legible and there's like a proper point to my thesis lmao)

Also I am. So sorry. For how obscenely long this got. Holy shit I have no idea how this happened I am so sorry

I can not put into words just how badly I want to see this man have an actual, proper 1-v-1 fight with someone. Oda, for the love of god let him fuck up someone, please, I c̵͍͛r̶̢͠a̴͕̾v̷̠͆ḛ̶̐ ̸̤͝t̷̟̋h̷̳̓ḙ̵̀ ̷̱͌b̶͓͑l̸̦̚ô̶̠ȯ̸͇d̴̲̕

No for real though, the one, true, proper 1v1 we ever saw Crocodile have WAS with fucking Luffy and like, to be fair they did fight three times, but still, during Summit War? Sure we see him exchange a few blows but it's never a proper 1v1 because we keep on cutting from one thing to another and the opponents keep on changing etc. So there was no time for a proper battle with anyone

So out of principle alone I want to see him have a proper fight with someone (who isn't a Strawhat preferably) at least once before the series ends (though honestly if we could have more than just one fight scene with Crocodile I would not complain at all, but I might be asking too much at that point)

But also yes. I want to know Croc's actual Power Level in the story right now (and I don't mean that in a powerscaling-kinda way, just in a "I want my husband to look cool because it's what he deserves" kinda way)

Like. The Crocodile we've seen in the past absolutely under no circumstances deserves the fucking unit of a bounty he has on his head right now. And I mean, to be fair Buggy doesn't deserve his gigantic bounty either, canonically the numbers don't matter or mean THAT MUCH-- They just reflect what the WG thinks a person is worth, not the true level of threat the person actually poses But also. Croc's bounty has literally gotten like 24 times bigger from his OG pre-Shichibukai era bounty. To be fair, according to trivia his OG bounty would've at least doubled had the WG known about Baroque Works, but his current bounty would still be like 12 times bigger than before. And god fucking knows Crocodile does not fucking deserve a bounty this fucking big if he hasn't gotten any more powerful since Alabasta. No amount of hanging around with Mihawk and running evil organizations should beef up his bounty that much

So surely, he must've gotten more powerful since we last saw him action, right? Surely? Somehow?

But indeed, how?

And that's where we kinda get to the interesting part, don't we? We have no idea what Croc's been up to for the past two years. Like whatever he's been doing, surely it's been better than spending a decade sitting on his ass and barely ever lifting a muscle when overpowering rando pirates attacking Alabasta with his Logia powers, right. Like surely being in the New World alone would be enough to make him break a sweat for a change

But then like, the only two times we have seen Croc post-timeskip (pre-Cross Guild) he has been just sitting around reading the news (to be fair, the scenes were also about him catching the news about Luffy, it's not like he can't do anything else outside of those scenes). So like. I feel kind of conflicted, like on one hand to get stronger then surely he must've been working out or something. But also I do kind of mentally associate Training Arcs with much younger characters, and Crocodile is quite middle aged, like is he even allowed to go through a training arc anymore?? Especially when he's like a such a Proper Gentleman, it's so hard to imagine him to go back to the basics or anything

But also?? How else would he get stronger?? Like?? Maybe there really was?? AN OLD MAN TRAINING ARC??

But also, to be fair

Crocodile did make a big point about how he "keeps on honing and developing his Devil Fruit skills instead of stagnating like some other losers" back when he and Luffy had their first match. So I really would love it if Oda kept that actually true for the character, I'd love to see him actually whip out some new tricks, techniques and attacks instead of us seeing Sables again for the 839423th time

And really he can't really whip out new attacks if he hasn't at least tried to come up with new tricks (and preferably tried them out)

But that was just the basics right, Croc's Devil Fruit capabilities

Then there's the whole mystery of Crocodile's Haki Status. A whooole different can of worms. Considdering how the only actual damage he seemed to take during the entirety of Summit War was because of Jozu's Haki, and the fact that even fucking Blackbeard can use Haki now, it'd feel deranged if he doesn't have any kind of Haki capabilities. Like everybody knows Haki is going to be Croc's persona kryptonite, including Croc himself! And Haki Mastery really is The Thing that decides whether a pirate crew can actually make it or not in the New World (Kaidou made a specific point about that too). So surely, considdering Croc's supposed to be A Smart Boy and all, he knows he'll need to actually figure out how to use Haki if he doesn't want to lose another limb, right. Like surely he's figured that shit out, right???

Now people have been speculating for years if both Crocodile AND Moria used to be Haki users who lost their Haki after getting their asses kicked in the New World. Which, in theory would make sense, since Haki is essentially just willpower, and getting crushed the way they did would give them good in-universe reasons to why they didn't use the ability, as their traumas could translate to them losing their wills. But also it is willpower, that's not really a tangible thing you can really lose, and the idea of "Haki loss" isn't actually canon (yet at least). So although it's great fanon, we can't assume it's true. Like just as an example, we know Hancock can supposedly use Conqueror's Haki but we've never actually seen her demonstrate the ability

And to be fair to Croc (and Moria), the concept of Haki didn't really start to get Truly Solidified in the story until post-War, so expecting Alabasta!Croc to use it a whole decade earlier in real world time would be ridiculous since Oda hadn't figured out the system yet.

And while that is 100% true and fair.

Thing is. Although extremely vague, I do think Oda had been slowly starting to build the IDEA of Haki already in Alabasta. Like we know the concept gets properly introduced during the Skypiea Saga where Blackbeard both namedrops it and we get to see Observation Haki in action, under the name Mantra. But already in Alabasta, when Zoro is trying to figure out how to cut steel (to defeat Daz), that whole "breath of things" and hyper-awareness he gains when near death... I'm not the first one to point out how much that sounds like rudamentary Haki. And like, yes, on paper the idea of the battle was that Zoro became strong enough to cut steel. But also, learning to use Haki would be what would allow anyone to cut through a Devi Fruit ability like that. The same applies to Luffy's final attack on Crocodile too, his punch destroying the sand blade that before would've sliced his entire hand in half before is poetic on its own, but makes even more in-universe sense if you considder the possilibity Luffy might have subconciously been using Haki at the very end, his sheer willpower allowing him to punch Croc.

The reason I'm pointing all that out is that I kinda wonder if we might've gotten hints at Crocodile having not just Haki, but fucking Conqueror's Haki in Alabasta

This is based on two things:

First, Crocodile's pet bananawani. Yes, he could just be Really Good with animals and that would be adorable on its own. But we know Conqueror's can be used to intimidate and tame animals, including really fierce beasts. Keeping in mind that bananawani are meant to be one of the few species of animals that prey on Sea Kings, IDK, if you told me the reason Crocodile was able to tame them and keep them as pets thanks to Conqueror's, I would believe you. It's nothing solid, there's no proof one way or another, but it would make sense in-universe, it is plausible.

Second, this scene.

Does that blast of Ominous Air/Energy on the third page not remind you of one of those Conqueror's Haki shockwaves?

Of course, considdering Luffy was able to knock out Bon-chan with his untrained, uncontrolled Conqueror's in Impel Down (though to be fair, in the Impel Down scene Bon-chan was in rough condition anyways), if Crocodile was displaying his Haki here, either

A) Shit's real fucking weak or

B) He must've intentionally "kept it down" in this scene just to make sure his agents didn't actually pass out on the spot

But of course, if Croc had fullblown Conqueror's that he was able to control that well, you'd think he might've actually used it to subdue weaker enemies at some point or something (though, again, Hancock also supposedly has it and we haven't seen her use it, and if we had seen him use it on Luffy or something then the story really would've ended in Alabasta). So if that really was Conqueror's, I'd personally maybe rather lean on it being weak as hell (especially if Haki Loss was canon) over him having perfect control over it

Of course, just because that ominous blast of air in hindsight might resemble a weak ass Conqueror's Haki Blast, it doesn't mean that's what it was. Just like with the Bananawani example, there's nothing solid here to go off of, it's just plausible

(Also just for clarity's sake, Crocodile doesn't need Conqueror's Haki. I just think there could be evidence to suggest it if you overthink it just right)

All of this to say

Regardless of what Croc's Haki Status was during Alabasta and Summit War, the fact is that the dude really does kind of need Haki just to survive in the current storyline. So if he can't use ANY KIND OF HAKI, I'm just gonna be speechless. Like Luffy could kill him by just farting on him at that point Not to mention I'd actually love to see the Haki Loss-concept explored in the canon. Like either have it debunked, or somehow confirm it's a thing and show off what a horrifying threat Crocodile can be when he's actually putting his everything into a fight (same for Moria btw, if all he has to protect rn is Perona I'd love to see him go apeship and use Haki to protect her)

BUT THEN THERE'S A WHOLE DIFFERENT DIRECTION WE COULD GO WITH CROCODILE'S POWER LEVEL

OH DID YOU THINK I WAS FUCKING DONE WITH THIS POST? NO, WE'RE STILL FUCKING GOING MAN

So I've seen a lot people speculate about Logia Awakenings and what they could be like. Most people seem to agree on the theory that Punk Hazard being the way it is could be a result of two awakened Logias (namely Akainu and Aokiji) clashing. Similarly that Enies Lobby could be where an Awakened Light Fruit did a thing in the distant past, causing the eternal daytime on the island

I'm not sure I'm entirely convinced that's what Logia Awakenings will be like (some people have also suggested Enel's Final Form was a Logia Awakening, which I kinda doubt but okay), it's a neat idea in any case, we'll just have to wait and see what Oda has cooking for us

Regardless. On a mere narrative level, if they're even possible then I think it'd be cool as hell if Crocodile could act as an introduction to Logia Awakenings and what they're actually like. Because, depending on the role the bastard is going to take going forward, it could prepare us and Luffy for what's to come with Akainu (the real threat)

And again, depending on his role in the story, I think he could be an actual candidate for someone who could deserve to be Awakened-- like the whole Awakening State is sliiightly OP, and Logias are also kind of OP by default. So between OG Croc being kinda weak as hell (by current standards), but also him being an experienced pirate who's known his abilities for god knows how many decades... IDK I think he could deserve The Honors, y'know?

Like compare him to someone like Sabo or Blackbeard who got their Logias only recently and are still learning to use their abilities (more or less). If either of those fuckers somehow Awakened their Logias before Sir Fucking Crocodile I'd be kinda pissed off y'know?

The Admirals are kinda OP to begin with anyways too, I kinda just don't want Smoker to get The Honor of being the first on-screen Awakened Logia either, and really that would leave us with like... Ceasar and Enel as our only remaining options

And Dragon, if he does have a Wind Logia (which remains to be seen)

So. Yeah. If Logia Awakenings can be a thing, I think Crocodile could be the perfect guy to actually introduce them in the story (depending what his role will be).

All of this nonsense to say

Mr Oda, please, I would like to see Sir Crocodile in action pwease

And I want to know what the hell that weird spike thing was

Mr Oda please, I wish to see the Husband and see what kind of tricks he can do now after all these years, please allow him to commit a murder or two or three

[rindomness]

hello hi tell us about mementos and the security level

OH HELLO. Welcome to my personal hill to die on. This post is long. It's one of my out-loud rants in text form. Sorry in advance. There's a cut down there somewhere.

Thesis statement of whatever's about to come next is that Mementos fucks actually as a concept its execution was just horrible and also Yaldabaoth is a terrible final boss. OKAY LET'S GET INTO IT

First things first I really do think Mementos should have gotten a security level. The game plays "Mementos is the public's Palace" very straight, all the way to the end, insisting that Yaldabaoth is created by the public's desire for a status quo yadda yadda yadda. So like. Here's the screenshots actually

I didn't get the whole conversation mostly because I think I was streaming at the time and complaining out loud but like. He just straight-up says this? And then they do nothing with it???

Imagine this with me. Enter the imagisphere or whatever.

It's October. You've just defeated Okumura, and you just watched the mysterious black-masked figure you've been told cryptically about for a while now kill his Shadow. You watch Okumura have a mental shutdown live. It's horrific! It's worrying! What happened? What's going to happen to you? The Phan-Site meter starts dropping rapidly. You go to Mementos to prepare for the next Palace.

There's a security level.

NOT ONLY did this act make the public lose faith in you, but now you're enemy #1, and it's reflected in the collective unconscious. This Chekov's gun that they set up back in May goes off. You have to be much more careful in Mementos because if you aren't, you could get kicked out. The stakes are higher. Mementos, the public view of you, has changed. It's not just doors opening for you anymore.

THAT WOULD BE SO COOL. RIGHT? RIGHT??? BUT NO! No we don't get a security level until the depths, which contradicts itself, actually, because once you get to the depths, the whole POINT is that the public ISN'T reacting to you or your actions! Why the hell would they care that you're In There!

The obvious answer is that it's because the security level belongs to the Holy Grail/Yaldabaoth/the fuckass cup/whatever you personally call him. And okay, whatever, but the game goes out of its way to establish that the Grail isn't really a separate entity from "public desire," he IS "public desire," the status quo incarnate, so once again, I ask, why is this the only time you have a security level! (I know it's because this is the home-stretch to the final boss and mechanically it has to act like a proper Palace. I still think it's stupid.)

And now that I'm talking about the Grail. Hi. Hello. If you've talked to me on Discord you already know this but I fucking hate the Grail. I think it's stupid. I think it's thematically inconsistent. I think its only purpose is to be the "Let's fight God!" final boss. I truly believe that if I hadn't gotten into Persona 5 through Royal, I would not still be into Persona 5, because I would have gotten so frustrated with Yaldabaoth that I would have dropped the game. I regularly complain for half an hour straight about this thing in voice calls. One person once told me the only thing they knew about Persona 5 was that this cup sucked because I wouldn't shut up about it.

I've somehow managed to not do this on Tumblr but I can't really talk about Mementos without talking about it so I guess we're talking about the cup

Narratively: Yaldabaoth just sort of comes out of nowhere??? The whole game is building up to Shido. The whole game. And you do it! You defeat him! And then... there's this other thing??? Apparently??? I was genuinely really confused when I got to this part of the game the first time because I was going ok we beat the final boss complete with eight hundred phases! Hooray! And now there's this other fucker. Going back through the game there's some foreshadowing for him? But it's kind of all concentrated in the start of the game, around Madarame's Palace, when you're just getting used to Mementos, and then it all sorta just disappears.

YOU KNOW WHAT IS FORESHADOWED, THOUGH? MORGANA.

Imagine with me x2 because this is where I thought the game was taking us when it went "btw we need to tackle the depths now"

Morgana has no memories. Morgana knows there's something in the depths that explains who he is. Morgana assumes it's because he's human, and will become human again if he finds out what it is. The WHOLE POINT of exploring Mementos was for Morgana's memories! And then he starts getting these really unsettling dreams, right, where he's a Shadow, or has a Shadow, or whatever. And then you get to the depths.

What I thought was about to happen was that we were going to find out that Morgana was more or less what the Grail claims to be(a being created by the wishes of the masses) and that Mementos was going to be Morgana's Palace. "Oh but Morgana has a Persona-" Morgana's already a weird case I could easily see him having a Shadow or being a Shadow himself while also having a Persona. I'm ignoring Maruki because we're talking about vanilla and Maruki didn't exist yet.

I thought our final boss was going to be Mona's Shadow and that by defeating him(the part of Morgana(as a Shadow/Metaverse being/etc) representative of what they were trying to make Yaldabaoth: wanting to let the status quo handle everything, more or less, the desire to let the system do what it's designed to even if that thing is "crush everything in its path") we would reaffirm that change is possible as long as we all work together. Morgana getting to be this very physical symbol of rebellion and force of will and getting to go NO I want to try even if it hurts me.

What actually happened was... a lot more underwhelming.

What we got was, in a game where one of the primary themes is "rebellion against systemic injustice, you can't just get rid of the One Guy and fix Everything," a final boss who was... one guy who if you got rid of him you'd fix everything?

And I get it Atlus doesn't want to actually shake the boat that much but at the same time Yaldabaoth comes out of nowhere and says absolutely nothing of substance in a game that, over and over again, gets SO CLOSE to saying something really powerful and then sinking back into what's comfortable. It's the aesthetic of rebellion without the teeth of it.

Anyway now that I've complained for an essay's worth here's some positive stuff

I really do like Mementos. It gets a lot of shit for being repetitive and boring and like I sort of get that but on the other hand it is a JRPG. I'm not sure what you expected from the area that is, mechanically, "Here's where you go to grind." I don't see a problem with having this area. I think the special floor events manage to spice it up enough that it's not all that boring. I like Jose being there in Royal, I think he adds a lot, actually. The implications of everything Jose says are fascinating to me. The fact it's impacted by the weather! Like, as a world component, Mementos is so so cool actually guys. I know it's a Persona game so "world impacted by cognition" is sort of the bare minimum but it's really cool!!! The aesthetics fuck! The only layer I really don't like is.. fuck, I think it's Kaitul? Whichever one gets unlocked after Kaneshiro's Palace, I haven't gotten there in my current playthrough yet. It's just... too dark to see, all the time, imo. Mementos feels(except for... 90% sure it's Chemdah) very oppressive and spooky and I honestly think that's great. It's a depressing place to be! For a game about how corruption and systemic violence hurts everybody, it's really good!

In conclusion... don't ask me about Mementos unless you want an essay LMAO in seriousness I understand why Mementos gets shit but I think it should get less of it. And also that I could have fixed it(the cup. The cup is the big bad part of Mementos. Not the grinding you're going to get that with a JRPG no matter what you do you signed up for it when you launched the game.)

[twst-hottest-takes]

I don't know how much of a hot take this is, but I really hate Rookvil or is it Vilrook...? Either way I don't like Rook and Vil as a couple.

I love both of them as characters (Even though book 5 did Vil so so dirty imo), and on paper they're perfect together. Vil has a passion for beauty and perfection, Rook also has a passion for beauty and arguably life in general.

However, what gets me is Rook does not care about Vil at all. Like in Vil's lab outfit, Rook critizes Vil's weight (invalidly imo), which sends Vil into a downward spiral. And then in Rook's lab outfit, Rook is like "Yeah, the whole point of me joining the science club was to produce pictures for your Vil." Meanwhile he's making goo goo eyes at Leona out the window! LIKE SIR STOP!

Though this extends past outfits, this even happens in book 5. Now I'm not saying Rook was wrong for choosing Neige over Vil, but I'm not saying he's right either. Because if we're honest here, who would date Rook after that? I'm actually shocked the group didn't jump him.

Now, if this ship was just a fandom thing, I'd be fine with it. I already don't ship a lot of popular ships in the fandom, and I'd be willing to look past it. However, I was getting bored waiting for more book 7 content, so I went looking around for spoilers as one does, and I see Rook loves both Neige and...VIL???

Now this shouldn't come as a surprise considering, Vil and Rook were low-key flirting in book 6, and Epel was supportive of it, even though I was gagging the whole time because Jesus Christ I have never seen two characters have less chemistry. I honestly don't ever think I've seen Vil and Rook have such positive interactions before book 6, so it felt like whip lash.

And seeing the book 7 spoiler was like getting hit over the head with a frying pan when you're least expecting it. I just feel like maybe Vil does care about Rook, but I've never felt like Rook cared about Vil. Before I knew he was rich, I just thought he was a smooth talking poor boy, who occasionally acted nice to Vil to get closer to Neige, who he really wanted to be with this whole time.

Pomefiore once again goes hard on being inconsistently characterized.

I don't have much to say about the ship itself, but I can see where you're coming from. Rook is an unfortunately written character. As I understand it his thesis is that he is a lover and hunter of all things beautiful. That's a simple enough statement on its own and can be used to either defend or attack pairing him with Vil. The story seems to want us to believe that Rook has a special affinity for Vil in particular even though he is not always what Rook views as "the most beautiful," and anon rightfully calls his loyalty and true feelings into question as a result. There are times where Rook isn't willing to favor Vil despite being one of the closest to him, and I can see how someone might take that as a cue that he doesn't especially care about his housewarden and be completely turned off to them as a more intimate pair.

There are some points to this take's argument that I don't agree with however. For example, I don't think how Rook looks at Leona here is meant to have nearly the same meaning as his stated love for Vil or Neige. In early vignettes there is a much stricter sense of Rook as a hunter as opposed to just a seeker of beauty. I believe how he looks at Leona is meant to be intentionally perverse. He seems to view the beastmen, mermen, and even fae as possible quarries and he revels in the idea of how he would "catch" them like he would an ordinary animal. This is an element of Rook that is muddied as the emphasis on "beauty" takes the forefront and his initial impression of being rather creepy is swept under the rug. That is one of my greater criticisms of Rook's writing as a character and is something I would take a deeper look at in a proper character analysis.

Thank you for your take!

(It was only a matter of time before we got a ship based take. By the by, I always thought it was called VilRook but there is evidence to say people just use one or the other name depending on a person's preference.)

[sang8262]

in a yapping mood, and i cant draw well, so here's some *gasp*, self insert-OC related ramblings?!?!?

the elevator pitch summary is:

A fledgling author and researcher who becomes unwittingly enthralled in JP's schemes after visiting Nayshall for a thesis project.

Forced to work for his NGO (and later Neo Shadaloo) as an advisor after showing promise with Psycho Power.

Wrestles with doing the right thing and opposing JP's influence, yet unable to abandon her deeper emotions towards him.

...with more deets below-

I don't even have a proper name for her yet, since I'm bad with that lmao. But I guess as a sorta self insert, they could be Millon.. for now?? Eh I'll figure it out later.

---

The impetus and circumstance for which she meets JP is that,

she's researching Nayshall's rapid devlopment, and the public health problems its facing as a nascent country. Particularly, how the visitors and participants of the Suval'Hal Martial Arts Tournament (SMAT) have access to the best doctors and emergency aid available... yet the greater local population lacking reliable access to affordable health care.

She has the chance to interview and speak with tournament organizer, Johann Petrovich, about the SMAT and current issues. She surprisingly finds him agreeable, polite, and level-headed. Realizing he has a lot of power as the country's policy advisor, she tries to convince him towards implementing healthcare policies that would allocate more resources for those who need it.

Her mistake is trusting JP as someone willing to aid the suffering, someone who wants things to be better for everyone. Once she does though, it's far too late to rid of his clutches on her.

---

I'm imagining she initially is on good terms with him. She respects his investment into developing the country, and even finds his NGO, Terra Network Partners (TNP) potentially a place to work at. Of course, this is before realizing the money laundering and his connections with Shadaloo.

I can see JP convincing her into relying on him and being complicit in his schemes by offering her a stable position within his NGO. Or funding her research and writing. Having the support and endorsement of someone his calibur would be a huge boon to her academic career afterall...

Then, maybe it's either from her own prying, or after a not-so-chance meeting with Kalima and the resistance, but she eventually realizes the kind of person JP is.

By then though, she's far too entangled with JP and his organization to cut ties and escape. In fact, she realizes that her discussions with him have been helping him make more predatory decisions.

---

In a heated revelation of the truth, he might use Psycho Power to fully subdue her: mostly with expectations that she'd not survive it, silencing any incriminating publication about him in the future. And because even if she didn't die, she would now be dependant on him as a mentor, to continue surviving the awful power forced upon her.

Turns out she has a lot of disdain and despair, enough to fuel and sustain Psycho Power. He's not fully interested in helping her per se, but decides she will do less potential harm if kept close under his watch. And so she struggles now, to find a way to escape Shadaloo and quell her bloodlust. But it's not an easy influence to overcome...

---

I mean, it's a self SHIP afterall, so I'm having it be like a development of:

-wow this guy is GREAT, i respect him a lot! he's so kind! we could work together to do a lot of good things :)

-wow nevermind, this guy SUCKS, i have to escape/ stop him!! >:(

-Psycho Power makes it very difficult to think clearly and all my worst emotions are amplified a ton! i am also forced to learn under JP, and work for him, and woah did he always look so handsome :0

Then throw in a healthy amount of manipulation and sweet talking on JP's behalf and poor self insert OC is doomed to tragedy.

---

Design wise, I have no idea!!!! I guess I would make them The Cooler Me, but right now I got nothing. I'll come back to it lmao

[batsplat]

so in assen 2004 comms talk about how valentino helped melandri with riding yamaha A Lot, and how they are two great friends. and indeed those two have known each other since childhood/or at least their teens right? (seen a lot of their photos w matching terrible dye jobs) but then fast forward to 2010 and melandri is going full conspiracy theorist about the freaking chair affghhhkgjk. like what happened here? is it any interesting or is it like mostly one sided bitterness from melandri or something. like that can’t really be about 2005 season for vale bc come on melandri wasn’t his main rival that year.

even if it’s not interesting feud or drama wise it is another friendship that vale had (and unlike w sete vale&melandri go way back) that eventually fell apart as a result of competing in motogp…….hm

yeah, we don't actually have a great sense of what happened there! it's funny the coldness seems to have crept in during the 2005 season specifically, because I'm very much with you here on the 'come on valentino why bother' stance - melandri was aggressively not a proper title contender that season and really not even the main on-track rival... but actually I do think this fits in rather nicely within my sete thesis, which we'll get to. the subsequent public bitterness has been entirely one-sided, with melandri occasionally saying something kinda mean-spirited about valentino in recent years and valentino... not doing any of that

anyhow, they definitely WERE close, which was hammered home not just through repeated mentions by the commentators but also when you read the columns he was dictating every race for mat oxley in his early years. here, from his 250cc days:

mugello 1998

I wasn’t so confident before Mugello because while I was at home I played football and lost, I played tennis and lost, I rode motocross and lost. The only thing I won was minicars – I am the champion! We got beaten in a five-a-side soccer match, six-one, then a friend beat me at tennis, six-one, then Marco [Melandri] beat me at motocross. I’m always fighting with Marco on motocross but he’s faster than me. I’m getting better though – at the start of the year he’d beat me by five or six seconds, now it’s only one or two. I have much fear when I ride motocross because I’m not good at flying. We don’t go crazy; it would be stupid to get hurt doing that. Motocross is great for my muscle power though. I don’t go the gym much in the summer because I want to be outside, so motocross is perfect.

paul ricard 1998

As usual, my break between Mugello and France was full of battles with my friends! First we played football and my team won on penalties. I scored the winner. I never make a mistake from the penalty spot. Next day I did motocross with Melandri and he beat me, as usual, but we had some very funny races. Then I raced with Melandri again, but with electric cars. He’s bought a Honda NSX – it’s fast. Before I left for France we raced minimoto at a track in Rimini. There were about 20 of us: me, Melandri and a load of fast, young Italian riders. We had a lot of really crazy battles. Lots of fun! I don’t think it’s dangerous because the bikes aren’t so fast, maybe 60kp/h. I had some big fights with Melandri, we hit each other all the time – BANG! BANG! BANG! – and we crashed together maybe two or three times.

madrid 1998

I’m doing motocross three times a week now to help build up strength, but Melandri is still faster than me, so I’ve started practising in secret. I get dressed into my motocross gear, then ring him to tell him we don’t need to ride today, then do a few hours riding in secret! Soon I will be faster than him! Anyway, I beat him in minimoto before we went to Jarama.

assen 1998

“Hooray, finally I am first on a 250! It was the day of the teenager at Assen, the Italian teenager! I was so happy when my friend Melandri won the 125 race, so it was fantastic to go out and win the 250. A perfect day, except Marco and me couldn’t party on Saturday night, because I flew home to celebrate with my friends, while he stayed at Assen. I guess we’ll make sure we have a beer together before Donington.

donington 1998

We had our own paddock World Cup at Donington on Thursday, which was really shit, because we played three games and lost three games. I played in the Italian team with Melandri, Boscoscuro, Scalvini, Locatelli, Borsoi and Carpani. First we played the Suzuki 500 team and lost, then we played Team Rainey and lost, and finally we played Dorna, and lost. Dorna were all Spanish and very good. But the games weren’t so much fun because the pitch was tiny and really bumpy. Last year we had the paddock World Cup at Imola on a full-size pitch, and I scored twice. Nice!

sachsenring 1998

Now we have a four-week holiday before Brno, but I’m going to spend most of my time on the beach near my home – it’s sunny and the girls are nice, that’s all I need! But I am going away for one week – a racers’ holiday with Loris Reggiani, Roberto Locatelli and Melandri. We’re going to Tunisia to mess about with jet skis and fast boats. Should be a lot of fun!

sepang 1999

The winter was fun. Usually I don’t like the winter because it’s too cold, but where I live, near the Adriatic coast, there are so many people in the summer. That didn’t used to be a problem, but now everyone recognises me, so it’s Rossi! Rossi! Rossi! all the time. I don’t like it! I spent a lot of time with my friends, as that’s when I’m happiest. We went skiing a few times, a big gang of us. Mad! Snowboarding is more fashionable nowadays but I’m faster on skis, so it’s better! Melandri came with me once, he’s my best mate in the paddock, plus Alessandro Brannetti, a new Italian 125 guy.

mugello 1999

Before Mugello I spent some time at home, riding my 250 road bike and going motocrossing. I have a new motocross bike at home, but I can’t tell you what it is, because it’s not an Aprilia! But it’s a lot of fun on the new motocross track I’ve built behind a friend’s house. I dug the ground myself with a JCB digger we hired. I have designed the track to be safe for me, because modern motocross tracks have near-vertical take-off jumps, which are very dangerous if you don’t have good control in the air. And I don’t! So I’ve built low and fast jumps which I can take in fourth or fifth gear and be safe. Big fun! I’m looking forward to racing my friend Melandri, who hasn’t been doing motocross since he broke his wrist in Malaysia.

sachsenring 1999

Now we have a four-week holiday, hooray! All I really want to do is sleep. During the break last year I went to Tunisia with a bunch of friends like Melandri, but all I want to do now is stay home and rest. My home is near a holiday resort anyway, near the Adriatic Sea, but to be honest I don’t like the sea so much. I prefer snow...”

argentina 1999

I already have some plans for the winter. The World Championship may have finished, but I already have two more races over the next few weeks. No rest yet! First is the X Race at Misano. This is a special event for GP and world Superbike riders. I’m racing go-karts, motocross and cars with [Carl] Fogarty, Melandri, Capirossi, Harada and a lot of other guys. They ran this event for the first time last year and I won it. It’s only fun of course but I want to win again because winning is always important. Then at the end of November I’m doing a car rally at Monza.

so yeah, clearly close buddies! I'm sure there's more out there about their friendship, but I've never been that invested in digging into the details lol. about the collapse of the relationship... well, there's this from the barker biography, which kinda lumps melandri into a generic section about valentino's rivals:

Marco Melandri, who had been a close friend of Rossi's for years before he started winning races in 2005, noted the same shift in attitude: 'When I started to race well with him he changed a lot. When we were growing up we were very good friends. Valentino plays games with everybody... the way he talked to the media - he tries to never say something good about you.'

in 2007, after valentino had finally lost a title fight (and was in the process of losing another), there's another oxley column where a few key figures like his teammate edwards, his rival hayden, and his crew chief jb were asked about what made valentino so good. and valentino's crew chief jb was kind enough to give his own take on the melandri dynamic:

“He only uses mind games when people make a serious challenge, then he pulls out that extra tool in his armoury, which he did with Max, with Sete and to a lesser degree with Marco. Then there’s Loris, who is also serious challenge, but there’s a different understanding between them, there’s a respect. When I first worked with Valentino he was mates with Marco. Whenever there was a dinner or a party, Marco was always there. When Marco came to MotoGP it was still fine, then when there was any sort of a challenge their friendship cooled off a bit."

and then by 2010 you get melandri be like. full yellow chair conspiracy theorist. now, he also mentions how his own celebrations were received, and we do actually have jorge himself give his review of said celebrations a few years earlier (x, x):

I don't really have a point here, I just think it's funny

whereas from valentino's side.... well, there's really not much. his autobiography goes until the end of 2004 and is published in 2005 - so if melandri was already a 'proper' rival when the book was finalised, it will have been a very recent thing... but there's literally one reference to melandri in the whole thing, and it's something generic to do with the yamaha's development. valentino himself has said pretty much fuck all about this friendship falling apart. it's a bit frustrating because... when melandri says that valentino tries never to say anything good about you in the media - look, that's probably referring to something substantive, but we don't really know what exactly valentino supposedly said. we just have to take melandri at his word.... when you go that far back, it's a lot trickier to hunt down specifics if it's not a big news story, if there's not been a major controversy

you do have this from mid 2005:

"No. I think this is not true," replied Rossi, when asked if he deliberately avoided friendships with his closest rivals. "With Melandri, when this year he start to go fast, especially the Italian journalists, try to put some bad things between us - to make fight like what happened between Biaggi and Doohan. "But I go to speak to Melandri after Shanghai, on the podium, because I say one thing and the Italian journalists they modify and say to him another thing - and also the same journalists come to me and make the same. "I know Marco from minibikes when we were friends - we've been friends for more than ten-years - so I try to keep a good relationship because I don't like a bad relationship with anybody," he insisted. "For sure I have had a bad relationship with Biaggi and Gibernau but I don't think that is the right result."

now, according to the article, there were already rumours at the time that the relationship had grown colder that year. which is mainly funny insofar as valentino had quite literally double melandri's points - and the latter still hadn't won a race. again. what's the point

which, well. I do think jb's mention of capirossi is kinda interesting, as another rival valentino had known forever and one who wasn't like. dramatically less likely than melandri to end up a serious challenger to valentino, beyond being a bit older already. jb mentions they have an "understanding", a "respect" between the two of them... it's also maybe worth bringing in what hayden, the man who had actually managed to beat him in 2006, had to say about valentino for the same oxley piece:

“I can’t say it’s just his approach that makes him good. Some guys take their racing real serious, others are really laid back, it’s whatever works for that rider. But regardless of whatever he does he definitely gets around the track fast, that’s what’s most important. “One thing I noticed when we were team-mates is that he looks like it’s fun, fun, fun, he definitely cuts up a lot, but once you’re in the garage that dude is so serious, so focused. Everything seems perfect, right down to the windscreen sticker and the colour of his boots. He doesn’t overlook anything and I think that’s a big part of it. “More than anything it’s the racer in him that makes him so strong, it’s obvious the guy wants to win. He’s got a lot of natural talent but I know a lot of guys with natural talent and it gets some guys in trouble. It’s the whole package that makes him strong: the desire, the focus, the talent. “I think sometimes maybe he’s not as laidback as he comes across. He knows what to say and when to say it to make it look like things aren’t really getting to him. He knows how to play it, on the bike and off the bike. “It’s hard to say what he’s like with mind games because I can only comment on how he’s been with me and I’ve never seen him play any games with me, especially last year when he was taking chunks out of my points lead. The guy didn’t really change, maybe he just knew that I wasn’t going to roll over. Maybe some of the guys he can break down mentally, maybe he knew it wasn’t going to get to me. “Him and JB (Jeremy Burgess) haven’t won all those titles just through his riding, they know how to play people, they know how to play their cards, when to show their hand, when not to show their hand. I don’t think he plays as many games as other guys – you don’t need to play a lot of games when you can ride like that.“ "On track sure he’s aggressive but he’s totally clean and he definitely has a lot of tactics. He knows when he wants to race just one guy, how to separate groups, how to slow down. Like Phillip Island in 2005 I was on him the whole race and he eventually saw that he wasn’t going to get away, so he slowed down, brought the next group up to us to get me caught up with them, then tried to make another break. He’s got a lot of race craft. “I’d say his biggest strength is that he can adapt. If the tyres go off and he needs to slide he can slide, when the bike need to be ridden in line he can ride in line, he can definitely adapt to situations. I can’t say there’s one area of his riding where he just kills guys. It’s not just braking or corner speed or this or that, I’d just say that when he’s in a rhythm and putting those laps down he can break a guy. Like at Jerez this year he broke Pedrosa by about half a tenth a lap, he just kept putting those laps down, riding on that edge. He doesn’t ride 95 per cent, he rides on that razor edge for a long time. “I don’t know about weaknesses, it’s hard for me to point out a guy’s weakness when he’s won all those championships. In fact I’m not going to say he’s got any weak points because I don’t need to motivate the guy! That’s why I don’t want to say anything negative, I’m a big believer in not motivating these guys anymore, that’s why I don’t talk trash.”

like, you do have to bring up the context that valentino had four title rivals in 2006 - melandri, hayden, capirossi and dani - and he really only seems to have cooled off towards one of them. I'm not saying it's melandri's fault! I think it's more... hm, it's a bit telling, isn't it? competitively, there's not really any reason for melandri to be singled out in any way. I mean, you'll note he didn't win the title - and the guy who did explicitly says he didn't think valentino was fucking with him. valentino says in 2005 that he's made an active effort to not let the melandri relationship get worse... which could be true insofar as he didn't want any drama, but clearly he did allow that friendship to grow cold. why do that? is melandri really such a threat? I feel like if valentino said something particularly egregious about melandri, we would have some kind of a record of it - but let's say he was just mildly bitchy about the guy. you'd want to take him to one side and tell him 'dude, you really needn't bother', right? like, no offence, but is THIS guy worth it?

except. well. it is a little interesting that in the immediate aftermath of 2004, valentino had another friend of his (who he had considerably more history with than his last title rival) head over to honda gresini, turn into a more serious challenger... and valentino went. 'hm, yeah, maybe let's not do that again.' whether consciously or subconsciously, he does seem to have drawn back from melandri a hell of a lot quicker than he did from sete - and let's not forget that sete was actually beating him in dramatic last lap duels, which melandri extremely did not do. now, look, of course there COULD have been some sort of private spat here that nobody involved ever talked about... or maybe valentino just decided for completely unrelated reasons he'd had enough of melandri. but isn't it just. a little noteworthy. that when it comes to the 2006 title rivals, valentino is on good terms with all of them, who he seemingly does not piss off too badly with any sort of off-track antics... except melandri. his coldest relationship is with his childhood friend. one might conclude that melandri was the one who had the most power to hurt valentino, if he had been allowed to remain close. one could argue that there the sete rivalry marked a bit of a turning point in terms of how valentino approached his rivalries, that after this point he really didn't want another rivalry that could affect him in the same way. one might point out that some of the details of the melandri rivalry sure feel like they could be used to back up this framing

all that being said. what valentino is doing here is... well, it's basically fine, isn't it. everyone and their dog agrees it's tough to remain friends with your actual close rivals. jb describes it as their friendship 'cooling off', which is also the kind of thing that can just... eventually happen with childhood friends, even when you don't have pressures of competition warping interpersonal dynamics. there's not all that much to suggest valentino was massively treating melandri differently from any of his other major rivals at the time - it's just that his prior relationship had been closer and melandri seems to have taken the shift poorly. given how little of a paper trail there is, it feels like any mind games on valentino's part were generally on the subtler side, perhaps just the occasional snide comment or insinuation or ambiguously shady line that never made it to an article we can still access nowadays. more in line with what nicky "I don't think he plays as many games as other guys" hayden is describing: how valentino knows how to play his cards without necessarily escalating it into full out war. when melandri's talking about the rivalry, at times he does seem less annoyed by anything valentino actually did than he is by the media pressure of being an italian rival of valentino's, of being subjected to a more hostile media environment tan valentino, etc etc. after a certain point, valentino was often a passive beneficiary of his own successes in that regard. it's not like he's telling the italian journalists to put extra pressure on melandri... but he's also hardly going to complain

in general, the timing of it does have a certain charm to it as useful evidence for my great big 'the sete experience changed how valentino approached his rivalries' thesis, but I'm always a tad wary of analyses that flatten valentino's rivalries and by extension valentino by treating the patterns of behaviour in each as identical. it's also worth pointing out that... well, melandri isn't exactly a neutral source here, and his 2010 great big yellow chair theory does maybe suggest his resentment was getting in the way of his judgement where valentino was concerned. in the end, people didn't enjoy melandri's celebrations as much as melandri would have liked. and at some point in 2005, valentino apparently decided he didn't like this guy's vibe any more. c'est la vie

[bozepomagaj]

UH-OH!

College AU!Trigun (part 4)

Summary: You were finally there, but as per usual, Nai just had to ruin this for you. You just couldn't keep your mouth shut anymore and you had to speak up which managed to change the entire trajectory of your life (but not really.)

A/N: LORDDD I stalled this one for far too long, but I hope people like it as much as the previous installment! Don't have much to say except please enjoy some angst, I got a little rusty cuz I haven't written any in a while. This wasn't proof read so there might be mistakes here and there woopsies

CW: light swearing, Nai has PTSD, mentions of death, mentions of attempted rape

Word count: 3.4k

<[previous part]

You were currently sitting down in a luxury, dimly-lit living room. The sugary smell of a vanilla candle filled your senses, easing your mind far more efficiently than expected. Sat across you was a stern-looking Nai staring daggers at you at this point. You could tell he wasn't delighted by the idea of having you in his apartment. Well, it wasn't really his. It belonged to his brother as much as it did to him. And to his absolute demise, Vash couldn't be more delighted to have you here with him. However, he was currently in the kitchen getting you some cookies as he brewed up some tea. He was quick to attach himself to your side again, setting the cat-shaped cup in front of you with a couple of chocolate chip cookies. Cute, you think to yourself.

So, heard you two are working on some project together?

„Thesis. It's a thesis.“

Nai interrupted. He couldn't even let his own brother talk without interrupting him. God, he was so frustrating to deal with. I mean, how can someone so professional-looking act like a total kid in situations like these?

„Yeah, we're working on a short thesis-„

„Short? A proper thesis should have at least 50 pages-„

„Can you shut up and let me talk?“

You decided to reciprocate and stare daggers back at him. The last thing you were going to do was let him interrupt you. The scowl on his face was quick to form as he straightened his back probably getting ready to debate you but thankfully the sweetheart next to you stepped in.

„Hey, hey, no reason to fight. I mean, it's a project for that stupid little event, right? No need to overwork yourself.“

Nai cleared his throat, relaxing back in his arm-chair. You guessed Vash was his weak point but for him to back down so easily was still a little surprising.

„That doesn't mean we shouldn't give it our all. We should still put in as much effort as possible to be a good example for all the younger generations.“

Your mouth hung open. Was he serious? Everyone knows no one reads those things. The only reason people even came to this stupid event was to get free snacks and skip out on class, common knowledge. He couldn't possibly be that naive and think that people would be reading them. Hell, if even one person read it, you'd be surprised. You roll your eyes at him and sigh audibly, making your own annoyance very obvious.

„People rarely read those. Sure, we should make sure it's not nonsensical slop but can you really write a high-quality, in-depth, proper thesis in 2 weeks? C'mon, use your brain.“

Nai stiffened yet again. It's like you knew how to push all his buttons subconsciously. Or maybe you did it on purpose. Not like he could read your mind.

„If we pull a couple of all-nighters and work on it every day, I'm sure we can make an exceptional thesis.“

This time you were the one getting heated. You learned that yes, putting in effort can be very beneficial at the end. But this? You knew damn well no one would care if you made the greatest piece in all of history because, in the end, they'll end up shoving it in the depths of some closet for it to never see the light of day again. It was stupid.

„You cannot be serious right now, I'm not pulling all-nighters for a damn thesis we need to do for an event. You can do that by yourself.“

Vash's attention kept jumping from Nai to you. He could tell this wasn't going anywhere pleasant. And he was never the type to enjoy seeing people fight. Plus, your tea was getting cold. He suddenly rose from his seat.

„Nai, I need to talk to you.“

Nai immediately got up and followed Vash to his room but Vash stayed behind to give you a comforting smile, almost like reassuring you.

-

„They aren't good company-„

„I don't give a single shit if you think they're good or bad company. They saved my life Nai. God knows what would've happened if those two guys managed to drag me to that room.“

Vash didn't feel like sharing all the details about his encounter at the party, knowing it would just fuel Nai's ego further that he was right, that Vash shouldn't be going anywhere near those parties. If you asked him, Vash should be attending school from home, in the comfort of his own bed while Nai makes sure he's fine. Because after all, he's the only thing he has left.

He still remembers that day so very vividly. That morning he got into a fight with Rem, all because she ate his pudding. It wasn't anything big but he was a kid and he was still getting adjusted to living together with his adoptive mother. After breaking her favorite vase in a fit of rage, he got grounded.

„Young man, go to your room now. And no going out or and no piano for the next week, you hear me!?“

She yelled after him as he ran off into his room, slamming the door behind him. He deserved it. She had every right to lash out at him. And yet why did she feel so... guilty? Maybe it was because she knew he had anger issues that he used as a way to keep people away, even the ones he loved. It wasn't his fault but she still had to step in from time to time to stop him from overdoing it. She sighed, leaning on the counter, a hand covering her eyes. She didn't want to cry. Not in front of Vash. But it was already too late as the young boy immediately bolted to her side and latched onto her in hopes it would somehow comfort her. She looked aside at him, holding back the tears.

„Vash, how do I make your brother like me? I just... I want him to know that there are people who love him and are there for him, that's all.“

„We could go buy him his pudding?“

She laughed at his response. She shouldn't be asking him such difficult questions, he was still just a kid. However, it wasn't a bad idea.

„Go grab your jacket honey. Let's get some more pudding. This time we're getting the big pack.“

Vash's reaction was instantaneous. He bolted to the hallway and grabbed both his and Nai's jacket but before he could go to his brother's room, Rem stopped him and shushed him.

„It's gonna be a surprise, okay?“

He nodded. Soon enough the two of them left. The apartment went silent. Nai had this tendency to sleep off his anger so he directly went to his bed and fell asleep in seconds. By the time he woke up, it was strangely quiet. Vash wasn't on the other side of the room, reading his books or playing with his toys. And Rem wasn't knocking on the door to ask if he was okay. Weird, he thought. He decided to go out, he's a big boy after all. He's 10 and soon enough he won't have enough fingers to count how old he is. The rain hit hard against the windows. Just when did it start raining so heavily? Looking out the window, it was hard to determine what time of day it was since it was so godawfully dark. Opening the door that led to the rest of the house suddenly felt chilling. The hallway was the same yet it somehow felt so big, too big in complete darkness. With careful steps, he sneaked into the living room. Empty. He tried turning the light on but to no avail. Rem always complained about the fuse box when this happened. She'd also always tell him not to mess with it when the power went out, opting to either call her or the neighbor if she wasn't home. Then again, that was last year. Now he was bigger, smarter, he could figure it out so he went down into the basement but not without grabbing a flashlight beforehand. The fuse box stood out to him because Rem conveniently labeled it as 'fuse box'. He lost track of time once he started looking at the little bits inside of it: it was an older model so it had a bunch of switches and he frankly wasn't big enough to figure out what switch did what. What finally made him snap out of his thoughts was the sudden loud noise upstairs. The doors opened. But it sure as hell wasn't Vash or Rem. Nai ran and sat next to the washing machine, hoping whatever or whoever just came inside wasn't going to hurt him. He heard more footsteps rushing in, his little heart unable to handle all this stress. Tears spilled over as he gripped his mouth, praying he wouldn't make a sound until he heard a familiar voice call to him. It was the neighbor. But even when he recognized the voice he just couldn't get himself to move. Before he knew it though he was being held by the neighbor as he sobbed into the poor boy. Maybe it was instinct but like an animal, he began clawing the man off of him, he didn't want his hands on him right now and yet the moment he saw 2 large men in uniforms he couldn't be more glad to be in the hands of someone familiar. Nothing about them looked recognizable so it felt like the safest place he could be right now was in the arms of his neighbor, who he spoke to maybe 3 times. Everything after that was a complete and utter blur. The police sat him down to explain things to him, and he followed them into the big car until they arrived at the big hospital. He only remembered small bits and images but nothing else. Except one thing. The clear image of Vash, strapped to what seemed a thousand tubes. His entire body was wrapped up in bandages, blood steadily seeping through them. It's ironic how this one image that he only saw for maybe half a second due to all the doctors who were quick to surround his brother's fragile body has managed to engrave itself into his mind so deeply, how he can even tell you the brand of the loud, buzzing machines that kept him alive. The image that makes him throw up to this very day. At that same moment, a young nurse, probably an intern, whose makeup had been ruined turned him around to face her and through loud sobs told him:

"I'm sorry honey but your mom isn't here. And she won't be coming back.“

And then it all blurred again. The human brain is fascinating to Nai, how your body, mind, and soul can torture you with images. It's your body, doesn't that mean there should be some balance? That if you hate something, you won't think about it or remember it ever again? Nai was completely lost in thought, a single sentence made him spiral back into the unwanted memories he tried so hard to keep locked away in the back of his head and Vash knew. Those eyes of his were always so deep and mysterious, it's like he held the entire universe in them but in moments like these, it seemed like every star was painfully ripped out of the dark sky and thrown off into the deep abyss turning his bright baby blues into a dark ocean of nothingness. He gently put a hand on his brother's shoulder to make him snap out of his trance.

„Nai.“

One word. That's all he needed from him. To him Vash was everything. After that day, after the day he almost lost him for the second time he couldn't even imagine what life would be like without him.

„Please. Just be nice to them. What they did means a lot to me.“

A small smile graced his face. The face he vowed to protect. If they meant this much to Vash, then who was he to deny this happiness to Vash?

„I'll try my best.“

„You always do.“

A silent smile was shared in this moment. Most would say that Vash melted Nai's cold heart but that wasn't true. The heart he had beat with nothing but pure, sinless love however, he's imprisoned it with chains of anguish and grief, like a songbird in a cage. It's caged in for who knows how long because its caring owner believes it's far too pristine and unsullied for the harsh world outside, it simply wouldn't survive. So it cries, it cries a beautiful song of pain and heartbreak that falls on deaf ears, and the people praise it for the sound of its cries for help. Truly such an unfortunate soul, to have all your freedom taken away from you by this owner. The only issue was that Nai was the rightful owner of this heart, this heart that he enslaved and never let anyone hear again.

They leave their shared room and you snap your head back at them, watching Nai's every move. They were in there for quite some time, what could've possibly happened in there?

„I'm willing to compromise. We can do as you suggested.“

Finally, he sounded reasonable. You nod at him and he leads you to his room. A place he rarely lets people in, let alone someone like you. But he couldn't stand to see Vash mad at him, so he did as he was told. You both sit down and after some small talk, you begin to work. This all felt... weird. Time passed by quickly and you didn't feel unwanted in his room, on the contrary, the very arrangement of the room felt like you were in some paradise. Everything had a place where it belonged perfectly and although he was a minimalist, it still looked so... cool. It felt comfortable here, but not in a good way. This wasn't the Nai you knew, the one who always threw insults your way and ignored you purposefully. No, this one was reasonable, kind even. The way Vash made him change in an instant made so many questions pop into your mind. You've heard of all the „twin telepathy“ jokes and how they're so in touch with each other's emotions and in this rare case, it seemed like it was real. Like they could read each other's mind. Or maybe Vash could. You wouldn't be surprised, considering he knew just how to cheer everyone up. Everything was eerily silent and going well. So of course you had to put a stop to that.

„Since we're already here and it's just us, I wanna ask. What's your problem?“

Your curiosity got the best of you and who could blame you? All this time, all you wanted to know was why the guy hated you so much and didn't even give you a chance to befriend him. Maybe you put him in an uncomfortable situation once and forgot or maybe he was just a jackass. The answer to your question would be given shortly.

„What in the world are you on about?“

„Don't pretend. I tried to talk to you on so many occasions, I'd say hi to you every single day. I genuinely tried to be nice to you and the only response I got from you were nasty comments. The least you could do is tell me what I did to make you hate me.“

He looked at you, dumbfounded. In a way, he looked funny. Like a kid who just got caught stealing from a jar of cookies. He glances aside once. Twice. Three times.

„Well?“

Your voice gets louder. Just what is going on in that head of his? He doesn't dare to look you in the eyes as he speaks, finding the floor awfully gorgeous on this lovely day.

„I thought you were making fun of me.“

Silence would've fallen over both of you if you didn't make the most loud 'HUH' sound in existence. After letting the man gather his thoughts he continued.

„I thought you were teasing me or mocking me. I didn't think you actually wanted to befriend me.“

This just made you spiral. Was it your tone? Your face? The way you dress? What could've possibly given him that idea? You took a deep breath, settling your head in your hands. Okay, so this was all just a big misunderstanding and you were both assholes. No big deal. You decided to speak up but also found the floor to be awfully intriguing today.

„I'm sorry. I really didn't mean for it to come off like that, I genuinely thought we could be friends and I tried befriending you. I'm hoping you can forgive me and I don't know, maybe we can start over?“

He finally found the courage to stop staring at the damn floor and looked at you, who still hasn't found that courage. He never got used to this feeling of guilt because he rarely felt it, often justifying his actions with a 'they deserved it'. But you didn't deserve it.

„I'm willing to overlook the past few weeks if you are. It'd be appropriate of me, considering what you did for Vash.“

A tiny smile graced his face. A smile indirectly caused by you. You felt like exploding right now because your plan to 'get his ass' just went to shit when he looked at you like some sort of a puppy. You couldn't get back at him for it because you had no reason. You felt guilt, surprise, happiness, so many emotions at once. So you thought of the next best thing.

„Where's your bathroom?“

You could tell this was the last thing he expected you to say but he told you which room and you bolted right out of there the second he finished his sentence. This went in all the wrong and unexpected ways that it could've! You were here to teach this guy a lesson, to make him feel guilty for the way he acted, and sure he does feel guilty but you can't possibly be mad at him now that you heard his side of the story. And now what? You go back in there, tell him the truth, and make the guy hate you even more or two. The better option. Suppress the guilt as much as possible and do your best to befriend him. That felt weird though, didn't it? Are you really willing to go and befriend someone whose nickname was Knives? You didn't have a choice, you were running out of time and options, staying in the bathroom would probably worry them and that wouldn't be pleasant. You slam the door open, determined to make this right. And thank God you did because Vash already started heading to the door and before he got to ask you anything you were in Nai's room.

„Sorry. If it's okay with you, I wouldn't mind starting over and at least trying to be friends. Even with Vash's situation aside, I'd genuinely like to get to know you better.“

You were pulling words out of your ass but it was fine as long as something kept coming out of your mouth. He was still sitting down, laptop in his hands but the thesis was long forgotten now. Surprisingly, it worked. He nodded at you.

„I'd like that.“

You plopped back down at the same spot you assigned yourself to as he began typing something on the laptop, presumably to get at least some worm done today. And now was the time for the most awkward part of every blooming friendship: getting to know each other.

„So what are you into?“

„Excuse me?“

„Do you have any hobbies?“

„I enjoy playing the piano. And I play games occasionally.“

„Woah, what? You? Playing games? I took you as more of a book nerd type of guy. No offense.“

„None taken. I don't enjoy most books because the stories are boring and repetitive, following the same exact plot lines and the love triangles bore me to death.“

„Harsh critic. That's good.“

You were making progress, conversing with Nai. It felt natural rather than forced like you expected. He still spoke in that monotone voice but it's not like it bothered you, he was clearly interested in the conversation. He then looked up at you.

„Would you like to hear me play?“

[tarnishedinquirer]

Roundtable Hold 2

After meeting Gurranq, I returned to the Roundtable Hold for the first time in a long while. Actually, that's not entirely true. I'd dipped back in a few times, but I hadn't spoken to anyone save Master Hewg and Fia. Diallos wasn't interesting, I had no use for Corhyn's incantations, and I had no desire to talk to Gideon or his bodyguard. Still, it was time.

I was surprised to find D sitting by the table. He said we were comrades-in-arms, a notion I decided I'd let him hold onto. When I asked him about himself, he explained his mission, which I will try to transcribe as accurately as possible:

"I serve the Golden Order. That I might put this crooked land to rights, following only the guidance of the great Elden Ring. Those Who Live in Death fall outside the principles of the Golden Order. Their mere existence sullies the guidance of gold, tainting its truth. And so it is the vermin must be exterminated... Down to the very last."

It was fascinating. The tortured loops of logic in one statement. If the guidance of gold is infallible, how could anything fall outside it? How does something outside of it sully its existence? The existence of an "other" is not a violence against the "self." A truth that has a contradiction is no truth at all, and destroying outlying evidence does not make your thesis any more true. And do not we, as Tarnished, fall outside of Grace? Does not this logic mean we are equally deserving of death?

I didn't bring this up. As a rule, I don't engage in debate with fanatics. They might as well exist in a different world.

He offered me a look at his prayerbook, that he might teach me for a fee of Runes. I politely declined instruction, but not before skimming his incantations and listening to the voice's commentary.

Litany of Proper Death and Order's Blade. Incantations of the Golden Order Fundamentalists, hunters of Those Who Live in Death.

The role of the hunters is to stamp out defiled reason - all for the perfection of the Golden Order.

How can reason be defiled, anyway? If anything the Fundamentalists were the ones defiling reason by mixing it with faith. If you search a holy book for guidance, all you'll find is justification for what you were planning to do anyway.

By now, I had amassed a decent store of Stonesword Keys, so I went downstairs to open the fog gate. Once the key slotted into place, the fog parted to reveal a grand dining hall. This place could not have been used for years, decades, maybe even centuries, yet it looked as if a feast had just been cleared. A clutter of dishes, but not a speck of dust.

A treasure chest in the corner caught my eye. Perhaps there was some new secrets in here?

I examined its contents with interest, but when the voice chimed in, my blood ran cold.

Crepus's Black-Key Crossbow. Black crossbow featuring a long stock. Used for sniping, it has a very long range. Weapon of Crepus, who served the Two Fingers from the shadows of the Roundtable as the head confessor.

The Confessors?! Servants of the Two Fingers? Surely not.

Black-Key Bolt. The intricate spiral tip bores deep, injecting scarlet rot far into the flesh of its target.

Yes. This was them. That wanton cruelty. I felt my blood boil. Were it not for the pacifism charm placed over this place, I would surely batter down that door and slay the Two Fingers myself. No... I needed to be calmer than this. Use my reason, not my rage.

This place is built on dreams and exists in the past. I found this behind a sealed-off gate. It's likely that the Confessors went rogue long ago and this is their only tie to the Roundtable Hold. Besides, the Confessors that imprisoned me were descendants of exiles from the Lands Between. It was a completely different organization, even if it shared common roots.

There was still another fog gate.

Inside is a smoke-filled kitchen. A stew sits on the stove and cured meats hang. It all smells so delicious. I take a bite, and but it turns to dust in my mouth. The meat is back hanging, without a bite taken out of it. Of course. This is fae food. It is made of dreams and memories, not physical reality. This place is but a reflection of somewhere else.

There is another chest here. I open it and find a holy book, for a certain value of holy. It's a prayerbook for the Roundtable Hold's assassins.

The incantations were written in some sort of code, likely using another liturgical text as a cypher, so I had to take the book to Brother Corhyn. He declared it heresy, said it bore no descent from the Erdtree, and immediately set about translating it.

Are not the Two Fingers related to the Erdtree? Don't they speak for it or something? How could that be heresy? And if it is heresy, why was he so eager to translate it? It seems he's a bit confused about his own faith. Putting together his mutterings and the voice's contribution:

Incantations of the Two Fingers' servants, who once served as the assassins of the Roundtable Hold. The assassins were charged with eliminating Tarnished who had strayed from guidance. The assassins were themselves once Tarnished who had strayed from guidance, and they pursued their duty in the darkness that is without grace.

So that's who the Confessors were. It gives them an extra incentive to condemn others when they themselves are condemned. And I assume that all they hunt are given the pirate's choice of sign up or swim home. Those who don't agree, die. Those who do, become Confessors themselves.

The translation seemed to take its toll on Corhyn. I think he didn't realize that this was in fact a part of his own faith. I pity his naivete.

Do the Confessors still work for the Fingers, or have they gone rogue?

Do the even still exist here?

Is there any communication between them and the Confessors beyond the fog?

Where is the real place this palace of dreams is built on?

[minquiec]

My 5k word essay on why I like bringing pain and suffering to the two idiots I love dearly (A thesis)

[alternative title being: me ranting abt jipunk for 2 hours straight im kiddingg]

So like

At this point I'm pretty sure most people can tell I enjoy pulling angst out of nowhere for absolutely NO reason necessary other than pain heeheehaahaa well it ain't gonna stop 😁 CAUSE TRUST THAT I will make sure every au I ever make of these two end in numbingly tragic angst one way or the other 🦅 jkjk they won't all be that bad it'll just have varying degrees of sadness

Anyways

I actually do have a reason for never giving them a happy (canonical or implied) happy ending ☝️ the thing abt me is every detail or like choice I make in character design/relationship/etc is that it's always intentional (most of the time) like there's always some kind of corny reason behind it bc I'm jwndkwjd insane and just think too hard abt two characters that don't even exist.

So like so like

I am an absolute loser for tropes like 'in another life' or 'in every life' or just anything among those lines. Like genuinely it does smth irreparable to my brain it's not even funny.

And basically the thought process for jipunk was like they're LITERALLY from different universes which quite literally means they can't end up together bc it's just not possible. But tbh the whole multiverse logic and how it works is up to interpretation cause y'know it's just a movie but personally I see it as smth pretty impossible for lore sake and stuff HAHSHA

So because the 'original' jipunk (atsv versions) can't end up together, I decided to go and think

"HMM."

"WHAT IF THEY ARE THE EPITOME OF 'ill find you in every universe" BUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM END IN THE SAME WAY (never ending up tgt)"

Cause for the different au's each of them is technically a different reincarnate in different worlds with different lives.

And like going back to when I said varying levels of sadness: what I meant was in some aus they'll be literally universes apart (which in itself is already sad asf) but in other aus they could live in the same world but their lives are like perpendicular lines because they'll meet and then never cross paths again (BECAUSE this is what their fate is supposed to be if we base it off their atsv counter parts: they were never meant to be bc they're from different universes)

BUT DONT KILL ME YET BC

technically

teccchnicaalllllyyy

In the long run they do have a happy ending

(longass run bru)

So there isn't a proper timeline for which universes 'happen first' bc that just doesn't make sense but

The modern au where it has the convenience store

Is their happy ending

Endgame au fr

Cause if you think abt it right (this is a headcanon), hb isn't the type of person to fall in love based on looks.

Yet in the modern au he ends up crushing on a silly little employee of the convenience store he goes to.

And like it's just this pull he can't understand for the life of him??? Cause it feels so shallow to him to like someone bc he thinks their pretty

Little does he know

So after they get tgt in the modern au, I'm thinking of this one moment where he kind of figures it out/sort of/not really but he is just like

"idk what it is but it feels like I've spent lifetimes with you"

BECAUSE YOU HAAAAAAVE@)$()2(# AAAAAAUEGEGHHEGEG JM SOBBING

HE SAYS IT BC HE REALIZES HIS SOUL IS JUST SO COMFORTABLE WITH HER PRESENCE ALMOST LIKE ITS GOTTEN USED TO IT SINCE A LONG LONG TIME AGO

And I realized just now but omfg the comic I made where he drunk confess and goes 'I liked you first'

HES LITERALLY BEEN LIKING HER FIRST IN THEIR FIRST LIFE (ATSV) IM GOING TO FUCKIGNNEF THROIWN UP

Soulmates idc idc IDCCCC

Took the quote I love you in every lifetime and RAAAAANNNN WITH IT

I enjoy tragic love stories tm

This isn't delusion anymore this is derangement

They r so dear to me

They are my kdramas, they are my bridgerton, they are my therapy this is how I cope.

[canmom]

Since you're anisports posting, can you share your thoughts about Yuasa's Ping pong ?

the very short answer is man I really gotta watch more of Ping-Pong! so far I've only seen the first episode, but it was pretty interesting in terms of character dynamics. I hear the animation is really creative later on - I mean go figure, it's a Yuasa project - so I really gotta watch more. (I am actually really bad at getting round to watching stuff outside the context of the movie night... hell I'm like 7 episodes behind dunmeshi right now.)

so, from memory then... what I did find striking in the first episode is this theme of like, elitism and international rivalry. the story begins with a Chinese player coming to Japan and finding himself contemptuous of how shitty the Japanese players are in this pathetic backwater where nobody is good at ping-pong. and being good or bad at ping-pong is a big deal for these characters.

'China is much better at ping-pong' is not a concept I'd really been exposed to before that! (I absolutely could not tell you what countries are supposed to be good at ping-pong.) but it does resonate with a certain broader recurring theme you occasionally see of like... whether Japanese (xyz) can hope to stack up against the mighty (xyz)-doers of whatever other country. whether that's playing ping-pong or building fighter planes (a sentiment you see motivating the characters in The Wind Rises).

and that makes me think about odd places I've seen that sorta nationalist underdog sentiment crop up, not just in Japan. whether Chinese social media critics writing scathingly about guómàn out of a perceived need to rise to the level of Japanese and American animation, or Japanese game developers taking to heart the cruel sentiments expressed about Japanese games by other developers during the 2010s and talking about wanting to make Japanese RPGs (for example) compare with Western ones. maybe even the South Korean government going all in on supporting a fraudulent geneticist out of a feeling that the country had to prove itself scientifically.

these examples are all from Asian countries but I definitely don't think this is something that only happens in Asia lol. that said, it's kind of a contrast to the general attitude in my country, where nationalist sentiment more often looks like empire-nostalgia or blithely presuming superiority. people don't so often seem to feel like we collectively have something to prove. maybe there's a sense of embarassment when the UK loses the football [soccer] again, since that one's supposed to be our thing. it was kinda darkly funny when the womens' team actually did win the football, and suddenly people cared about womens' football.

I don't really have much of a thesis on that though, I'm just running along a tangent here. I'll have more interesting things to say about the sports, and the boys that play the sports, when I give Ping-Pong a proper watch through.

[roxannepolice]

This is one of those "ranting so maybe I'll sleep and stop spilling salt on other people's posts" post, and I'm also setting out on a dean hunt tomorrow which is unnerving, but I guess I have thoughts about episodes that are 1-16 years old.

I'm not going to link that lovely gifset of the Masters talking about being a/the Doctor because I don't like to associate my negativity with other people's hard work, but damn if that didn't leave me gritting my teeth. Not the gifset, of course, just the idea that this is somehow a logical development.

I have ranted way too many times about how there's nothing logical whatsoever about POTD, but really, this isn't the case of a good idea poorly executed, this is the case of the author not understanding what his idea even is. This wasn't supposed to be just a body swap (which would have been SO GOOD, just imagine Whittaker and Dhawan having an occasion for acting tour de forces, imagine Yaz having to say all that sanctimonious stuff about the Doctor having people who love her in the face of the woman she loves rather than a guy who left her on a crashing plane, imagine Whittaker!Master exposing all of Yaz's feelings and mocking her with infos about all the previous companions left behind, something the Master explicitly plays at in the episode, but it wasn't pulled to its full potential, damn it's like Chibs was actively avoiding good ideas!), this was supposed to be the Master somehow becoming everything the Doctor is. And the effect is so so so bloody empty? Like, my first thought was, huh, so will this be about how the same experiences do not shape the same people? As in, now that the Master knows all the pain the Doctor went through, but also the wonder and the beauty, and yes, also their ongoing affection for him, he'll still choose to be evil? Kinda pessimistic, but interesting. Then the episode started pushing the idea that the companions make the Doctor who they are, and my interpretation... could still work, but there the message becomes somewhat messier - again, if the love of people around the Doctor made them who they are, then shouldn't those experiences affect or at least be acknowledged by the Master?

And then I had an oh. right. moment as I realised none of this was thought of - the Master simply doesn't have the Doctor's memories or else he would know who Fugitive!Doctor is. So, what exactly happened in that episode? Genuine question, because the episode sure acts like there was some subjective difference for the Master? Damn, it's just so empty.

I don't think there's much to say about Missy's scene, because it oozes irony, which is great and badly needed, but I might as well commit sacrilege and say I never understood the Doctor's logic in putting the have you thought about the fact that you'll die into his speech, like which one is it: be kind without witness or reward, to thy own self be true or remember thou art mortal?

Which leaves me with the Saxon introduction. And look, I understand it's tiresome when people pander to RTD and I'm not saying his era is flawless but it does do one thing later eras avoid: it doesn't tell you what to think. With his writing, I feel like interpretation is really an act of communication, rather than explanation of a thesis. There just plain is no preaching. And the Master isn't there to tell me stuff about the Doctor, he's there on his own terms. He's not trying to aggrevate the Doctor when he uses the title, he doesn't even know he's there for his election speech. No, he's there to act as proper dark mirror, to show how all of that genius can be used for evil, to be the baddie Doctor. He doesn't aspire to be the Doctor, he's already in the process of "saving" humanity by bringing the Toclafane over with a paradox. This is a gortesque parody of the whole concept of sustaining life! The Toclafane are humanity cannibalising itself, just as the Master will in EoT, exposing the darkness of maintaininig existence at all costs. At this point in the writing the Master isn't just defined by the Doctor, he defines him in return in a beautiful dialectic dalliance, keep in mind this trilogy is when we find up just how fucked up changing history is, this is what the Doctor holds against the Master, it's not "but you're killing people :(", it's "but you're changing history"! I know the tempation of reading the Wonder what I'd be without you in a purely shippy way, but ffs let it not cloud the fact that this is post-TLV Doctor talking, he knows the villain he could have been IF HE DIDN'T HAVE SOMEONE TO DEFINE HIMSELF AGAINST ALL THIS TIME.

Since I'm venting I might as well say this: this "development" is why I would really prefer the show to take a break from the Master for a while. Yes, a cameo in the 60th would be great, but until the show has a need for THE MASTER rather than A DIFFERENT TIME LORD TO EXPLAIN WHY THE DOCTOR IS AWESOME, idk, just resurrect the War Chief or sth.

This isn't just about sentiments, this is about two completely different perspectives on the universe. Let that ring out again.

[someinstant]

fic writer questions 57 and/or 65, please?

Thank you for the questions, @incognitajones!

57. Do you prefer editing as you write, or waiting until it’s finished? 

Oh boy. I used to be utterly TERRIBLE about not being able to write unless I was happy with everything that I had down on the page up to that point, and that got... really destructive and bad during undergrad, because it extended not just to writing-for-fun, but also writing-for-academia. So I was in the middle of writing my undergraduate Honors thesis, and I'd get so that I'd spend hours editing and re-editing the introductory chapter-- WHICH WAS FINE, AND HAD BEEN FOR MONTHS-- and neglecting just getting the damn bones for chapter four down on paper.

And finally I was done with having to make excuses to my thesis advisor, so I drove two hours home one weekend, and dug around in my parents' basement until I found the electric typewriter my mom used to use for her payroll business in the early '90s-- the sort that had a tiny, narrow green display strip that would let you see one line of text at a time and correct ONLY THAT, and then it would type it, bam. Down on paper.

And that's how I wrote the first draft of my undergrad thesis: one line at a time on a typewriter, because I could not trust myself with a proper word processing program. Once I had it on paper, I could-- and did-- edit it into the ground. But it was about getting the words out, and learning to just do the damn thing, and make it flow and build correctly once I at least knew the shape.

Obviously, I don't write fic on a thirty year old electric typewriter, but the exercise definitely changed the way I write in general. I know now that I need to get the shape of the story down-- maybe not all of it, but at least the major points and beats-- and THEN I can fuck around with editing. If I don't just do the damn thing, it doesn't get done.

But it doesn't matter how many times I go over something, doesn't matter that my dad was literally a newspaper editor for a dog's age and my radar for an incorrect usage of "less" versus "fewer" is Stannis Baratheon-esque: I will hit publish on a fic and immediately find at least three typos.

65. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project.

Right now? A coherent sentence. COVID just knocked me for six and I started teaching again for the semester three weeks ago, so I'm doing well to write a lesson plan. But story-wise, I really want to finish my fic about Cassian as a cook, because that moment of him entering through the kitchen in the hotel on Ferrix to look for Bix, and running into the cook there-- I have so many questions. I've got the first section sorted, but I need to get back into the swing of things for the two following.

The problem is finding the time to do it when I don't need to be doing a million other things, alas. Living alone is awesome, but it also means that when you're like, "Damn, someone needs to mop the floor," that someone is always you.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Tell me a story about Squall Leonhart looking at vanilla extract.

Three elements seem essential to me here. I'll list them in ascending order of descriptive complexity.

1. Beyond the miraculous -- no homogeneity, no proper motion. Our experience of invariant motion is so normalized to us that it is easy to forget how the background field of inertial reference would feel if it were really there -- so easy, and so easy to underestimate just how powerful an impression it would leave.

2. Looming -- perhaps beyond us, and yet not away from us. The mere fact that the scale looks right, that one can comfortably locate oneself within a solar system -- just the fact of this seems like a promise, almost. An invitation to trespass? To look for friendly faces? To gaze upward, in a childlike way, at the heavens and imagine them alive?

3. Profound. Because there is so little there. Because we do not see it clearly. Because what we see is clean. The great features of a sky full of stars tell us they are out there, but since there are no lightyears, there is no scale for the stars to remind us of how far they are from us. Except in the sense that the moon feels like a sofa a few times the width of Earth, and the stars feel like sofas of all possible sizes.

I have a program I'm trying out. It's very young, and not promising at the moment. I call it "beyond the miraculous -- looming -- profound." Do you see the pattern, even?

It's more than a thesis. I've known about it, even without consciously recognizing it as a thesis, since I was a child. Its appeal -- now, that is something new, something I can feel in my gut.

3b. Squall Leonhart looks up at the solar system in the basement of his parents' house.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

I feel the need to say something. "I can't explain it," comes out. Maybe I should have written it down. But it's one of the oldest arguments I know, the oldest foundational argument there is, and I can see it on the bookshelf -- I know you have it, I tell her. I've read the argument. "You have all that on your bookshelf."

She looks, and sees nothing.

"Where's the proof?"

Well, I can't explain it. But -- I have seen it, and you don't. There's no proof here but the proof that I've seen it, which you won't believe. Do you want to be more specific about what you don't believe? Because I can listen, and try to find a proof I can give you."

All that came out is a heap of something, and I could feel it piling up on the shelf, right alongside the solid things. The pile is as unstable as it is new, I know, but I can't suppress the feeling of gratitude at having finally found the words for it. I'm trying to say it right, so that you will want to make room on the shelf for it. I want the words to mean something to you, and I want to know if I've found them.

That feeling is much older. It is one of the first feelings I remember, one that lives in the bedrock of my personhood. The feeling of getting the words right -- what else is life made of?

I didn't know it at the time, but there was a doorway opening up here. Behind it was all of the world. I had wanted someone to open a doorway -- you know I had. And there it was, right now, if I could only keep the words, and keep looking for ones that meant something.

No, there was one more part of it.

3c. The sweet taste of vanilla extract in my mouth, and the short arc of its trace down my throat. My tongue moving to catch the faint aftertaste of the extract, and closing itself behind it.

3c'. John Egbert's fifth birthday party.

3d. I am standing in the yard, next to the giant pile of candy the kids received as party favors. My cousin, who is several years older, is explaining that my mother has made me eat a bunch of this shit because she doesn't want to deal with it later.

I am a strange child. I am almost four, which is ancient -- older than most of the other kids here -- but no one told me not to play with them, or to stay on the grass, or any of the things they are told, when I am much younger. I mostly ignore them, except to try to participate in their games, when I have no idea what is happening. They all know that I am strange, because I talk differently, and ask a lot of questions, and did not know how to tie my shoelaces when I was four years old. They do not know that I am old, and merely perceive me as simply strange.

I am offered a choice: if I want, I can drop one piece of candy into a jar with a hole in the bottom, which will be my "prize." There will be another one later, but it will be for a slightly less valuable prize. I decline.

3d'. Squall Leonhart meets his great-uncle.

There is a jar on the shelf above the bed, in his room. I want to understand it, somehow. There is a story that goes with the jar, that I feel is somehow connected, but I do not know.

"Nephew," the great-uncle's voice says, in his room, near the jar, "how old are you?"

I do not know.

"Thirty-five," he says, and I am thirty-five, and my life is long, and I sit on the grass in front of my house. There are other adults, and children, but we are not celebrating anyone's birthday, and there is no party, and there is no jar.

In front of me, there is a jar, the jar. There is a story, a part of which is inside the jar, and the jar is full of the candy the kids received.

All of this is new to me. It is all coming together now. I have no idea how the pieces fit together. They feel right, and I want to trust that there is meaning there.

This is not a story you are used to hearing. I'm sorry.

3d''. John Egbert's fifth birthday party, as seen by a psychic from 7000 years in the future.

The tribe has arrived. They have brought gifts.

John is proud of his new sling. He has learned to use it. He has practiced many hours, even after sunset.

He wants to show it off. He asks his father if it is safe to fire the sling in the house. His father nods. John releases the stone, and the sling flies apart.

John is small, and cannot see very far. He is excited, but wonders if his target is too far away.

John runs to the target. The target is undamaged. John is overjoyed.

[saturnfairycat]

Him.

Archive #6 | copyright to saturnfairycat

Author's Note: Damn, who hurt her- anyway, I found this in my embarrassing amount of 'Untitled Documents' in my google drive. You know when you are cleaning your room and you come across letters/diaries of when you were going through it? Yeah... but why was this so interesting to read HAHA (I don't even remember when I wrote it). Enjoy!

Him.

----------------------------------------------------------

He would’ve read my work. 

Not voluntarily, I would have had to definitely convince him. Though, it didn’t take much teasing— he always complied in the end. So much for his complaints that I “wrote too much” or my work was “too complicated”, he ended up taking extra time and care reading everything I sent through. 

Did he always understand what I wrote? Ha. Absolutely not. 

But he read it anyway, he always did.

I ponder about it, sometimes. I glance down to— nothing, really— and just relive all the little things and memories we shared. It’s definitely bittersweet, but I am not a picky eater; the taste of bitterness accompanied by the honey-suckle kiss on the tongue has soon become a fan favourite. It’s like a logical but irrational balance: good as a thesis, terrible for the heart. All those bitterness-cringing-moments won’t hide the fear of high blood sugar.  

Would he ever miss my writing? 

Really does your head in, doesn’t it? All those rudely blunt questions your mind comes up with when the world goes quiet. 

Does he even remember half of what he read from me? 

To be fair, I don’t even remember what I sent him— I just remember I used to do it all the time. 

Will he ever get to know that I have found a passion to write again?

Poems were my favourite way to convey storytelling. Commitment was miminial, because they are so short (surprise, surprise— my signature 14 paged spiel does take a lot of effort and energy which is not favourable), and I loved my little rabbit-holes of just finding the synonym for every. single. word. Anything that required excessive and proper sentences drained me, it didn’t feel right. But now— I have come to embrace it and oh, enjoy it oh-so-much. 

Funny thing, though— I never felt like my essays were the best. I’m sure the actual concepts and ideas I write within an essay structure have merit, but I never felt like my structural integrity of a normal essay spoke out to me. I also always felt like what I wrote for an essay could have been better— it just felt cheesy. To be fair— I never really got to the point of sitting down and reading poetry, the pieces I picked up were always too cheesy (even for me). But oh, how I loved writing it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing essays. But–

Will he ever know that I found my own sense of writing style? 

My sense of writing is emotive language. I love symbolism, the play on words— I like the puzzling effect, the double take on things. I love to draw people in, make them confused and heart-broken. I want the real message hidden in deciphering, having to go back and reread it just so you can catch the missed hints and easter eggs. I love deep and dark themes— horror has always been my favourite genre, after all. 

And because I love the deep, emotive conception of writing— I want to always incorporate it into my essays. But of course, I don’t have the time to properly plan out which critical sentence to repeat later down the line— what metaphors and personifications really mean. But you’ll be damned to not see me try.   

Would he be damned? 

It doesn’t matter anymore, even if the current isn’t the direction I want to swim against.

Some people might read this and wonder: “Wait, is this about me?”

But the right person will read this and their heart will stop for a beat, because they know it’s about them. Well, if they can remember— of course. Can’t forget the fact his memory of us is so terrible, I would have better luck asking a goldfish to memorise the two times table. 

I did consider a lot of people when thinking about this umbrella of thoughts. Often, I would have left it to mystery and let my readers conclude what they thought I meant (though, I still can’t help but cringe when they butcher the meaning), but in this reality, I have been pondering about the thought of loneliness. 

I’m not alone.

I’m far from it. 

But I guess it's the closeness and intimacy that I crave. I have the people, I have the bonds— but I figure that being an arms length away from most of my friends for so long due to my personal business, I hesitate to be needy. It’s selfish of me to do so, it’s like the poem situation— I can’t just commit to something because it’s the bare minimum. 

Would he miss my face? I wear a mask consistently, sometimes I do believe that some of my classmates don’t remember what I look like. 

And most of all, do I mean mask symbolically, or physically?

Would he remember my face? It makes me want to take off my mask more, but it has become a comfort— plus, I get sick so easily. 

Every time I got really ill, he was who I talked to. 

He made sickness bearable. He cared and made me laugh. 

What a joke. 

Closure was never the answer, like a mouse that follows a snake— tailing behind the sharp-fanged beast screaming out the question for it to hear.

Why?

Why not? Why else? For I will never know. 

Because it is not worth knowing. 

Why would a mouse go back to the very place, the snake’s lair, where they were bitten once already— to ask why they bit the mouse in the first place? 

Does he remember the puncture wounds? 

Would he read my writing if it was about a snake and mouse?

Would he understand it?

…

Sigh

…

A fresh wound appears.

-------------------------------------------------------- 

[new-eyes-extra-colors]

Writer Asks: 1, 8, 18, and 21

[meta asks for writers]

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

I've currently got four things cooking:

What Becomes of the Brokenhearted: Fallout 4 Nick/Nora fic. Consuming most of my energy. Progress is steady; I'm taking a break from part 2 of the chapter I'm working on to write some other things so I can come back with fresh eyes. Having a couple projects to bounce around between helps me from burning out. Second chapter should be up by the end of the month; I'm gonna aim for one chapter per month I think.

Eye of the Storm: Pokémon Emerald general fic. Actually came up with the idea back in 2016, got like 40k words in, then real life stuff happened and it stalled out until now. It was the only other major writing project aside from WBotB that I've ever done and I'm glad to have the space to continue working on it now.

Ghost Lights: Pokémon Platinum/Legends Arceus brainworm that won't die general fic. It's not "time travel fix-it," more like "time travel makes everything a thousand times worse please stop letting it happen." It's mostly action and violence at the moment.

Ask Team Supernova (@askteamsupernova): PMD2/EoS askblog. This IS an ongoing writing project! I've got several issues in the works right now, it's just a matter of getting lines and coloring done. The art itself is always the most time consuming part--I get them written really quick.

In all of these the character work is my favorite. I like putting average people who are dealing with average person problems (bad home life, mental health issues, having to move, etc) into buckwild circumstances and letting them figure out hey, I can handle this, and I can handle the other stuff too, and with the power of friendship (and in--wait, oh my god, in ALL FOUR CASES the power of therapy and proper medication) everything will be okay in the end.

...And in WBotB and GL, the power of overwhelming violence. I think EotS and ATS are the only ones that don't have gratuitous violence of some sort. They're very much about the power of friendship and therapy. The whole thesis is about having a support network--even if it's acquaintances and professionals--is so much better than trying to go it alone.

8. Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

Yeah, and actually if I'm ever feeling stuck I'll go back and read my favorite fics/books for inspiration. I don't know where I got my love of granular detail, though. That part might be all me.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

I sometimes kick around a WBotB AU where Dana, Nora's husband, survives the vault as well. It's mostly about their relationship as they try to find their son. It's much more lighthearted than WBotB, mostly because Dana's the sort of dude who would get into character as the Silver Shroud and then never come back out. He's so goofy.

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

I'm actually genuinely tempted to make Eye of the Storm either 1. a nuzlocke comic, since I've always wanted to do one or 2. a rom hack. Let's be honest: I just want to rewrite Emerald.