#but i needed to tell someone bc im like physically feeling sick and i didnt want her

[abimee]

as someone who had to go to college bc it was the only conceivable way for me to escape an abusive environment, striaght up: dont go to college. your post is so true, if youre mentally ill (or physically ill, esp chronically) No One Gives A SHIT. i had an incident where i had to go to urgent care i was so sick and my professor was still like "Well. you need to show up to class or youre absent. if you have 2 absences, you fail automatically." so i had to show up half-dead. no one helps you. im also bipolar and went to my college's counselor for help and while she was a lovely woman she didnt support me much there she didnt know much about the disorder. the only way i was able to graduate was bc i was getting an art degree and making things i was already going to make anyway, if that makes sense, and ironically my anxiety disorder was helpful but oh my god it was so bad for my mental health!! so bad and awful!!

tldr: fuck everybody who starts berating you college sucks and theyre all fucking ableist as hell AND on TOP of that it is just such a classist ass money pit and its Not Fucking Worth It

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS and its SO FUNNY when people tell me to ''get a scholarship'' because news flash asshole; scholarships expect things from you like Bs in all your classes and to actually gaduate, when I can barely pull it together for a B in a class im GOOD AT in HIGHSCHOOL.

I WAS ALSO IN SPECIAL EDUCATION! My math class only went up to a 6th grade level, I never did pre-algebra! I dont even know how to go calculus or trig or any math involving letters and complex systems because my own highschool special education classes didnt teach me it because I wasnt capable enough for it yet! So even if i try to go into college on a scholarship theyll definitely revoke mine and make me pay for it in full once I have a manic episode and stop showing up for a week and then come back and have to tell my teachers ''yeah i never learned any of this in highschool. i was smoking cigarettes in dugouts instead of going to class''

like i am just Not someone who will make it through college unless they give me 30 different accomodations because I already dont have the money to deal with my Mysterious Body Proclems and my severe mixed bipolar that sends me into hysterics monthly in rapid cycles. Not to mention in highschool they found out that i just literally cannot learn in your typical school setup of sitting in a classroom with other people but they wont allow me to do homeschooling/online classes because im so Bipolar that if im left by myself for a long periods of time i may hurt myself. So im literally the most physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially unfit person for college 😭👍 AND I DONT EVEN HAVE ANYTHING I WANNA GO TO SCHOOL FOR!!! IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH AT ART FOR AN ART DEGREE, I CANT DO MATH, I AM TOO MENTALLY UNSTABLE FOR THINGS LIKE SOCIAL OR RELIGIOUS STUDIES, ETC.

Literally just a crockpot of unwell yet every time people find out i never went to college they act like im some dead end loser destined for nothing like gee thanks this makes me feel way better about myself, i bet you love making me feel bad from your ivory tower because you think im just lazy and not a literal psychotic threat to myself on every level. drives me MAD!

[psykoz]

ok so some things that have happened at my job

- coworker said the r slur in front of me, a few others, and one of the front end managers. manager says nothing to stop it and in fact jusf laughs and agree w the overall statement (halloween costumes looked [r-slur]ed). this is significantly worse as not only am i (not openly at work for fear but pretty obviously) autistic, but the field we are working in is specifically with seniors with a specific type of mental and intellectual disability

- person who hired and trained me and is an assistant, also higher position not a manager technically but on the management team, learns i dont celebrate xmas thru an email i willingly send, totally fine. but days later, unprompted and unrelated, she str8 up asks why i dont celebrate and i feel the need to reveal some inkling of religious beliefs which i really do not want to do

- literally wont tell me half of the things i need to do/not do until after i fucked up anr get reprimanded. they never told me what the callout policy was, until after i recieved a write up for breaking it. they didnt tell me a security feature for someone had been updated, until i almost messed up SECURITY and a coworker had to tell me it had been changed. theres more but pointing out every time would get tedious and repetitive

- already blamed me once for having "too many missed calls" despite every one of those missed calls having been before my start time or after i am meant to clock out, some even having come past midnight or before 6am when im still hours away from even needing to be getting ready to clock in, outright admitting that it was more likely because their phone system isnt patching back to the after hour line, or after hours people are just not picking up the phone. and still called me in for a full 8 hour "training" shift where i spent well over 75% of the day sitting, not working OR training and thinking abt how much shit i needed to get done in my personal life and how wasteful this was, because of something out of MY control when im not even fucking clocked in.

- my bosses have all been on at least one vacation in the 3 months ive been here. despite being called, verbatim, "the last line of defense" and being in charge of peoples lives, having to potentially de escalate an angry senior if i tell them they arent allowed outside, and having to be around people that are dying at least one person every week or 2, i get no benefits and no chance to even accrue vacation or sick time. i would have never accepted a job with not benefits or sick or leave if they had explained to me the full scope of the stressors i have dealt with. i know for a fact my ptsd has gotten more severe after this job and i went thru a traumatic experience that i wont talk abt bc it was out of the hands of my job tbf, they couldnt have stopped it from happening, but i have still been exposed to multiple deaths and one event ive been unable to stop thinking about and fearing. they have never suggested grief counseling is available to any employee

- sometimes they put up fliers for mandatory meetings/trainings without sending any text/email about it. this sucks for so many reasons. i just may not see them, i have multiple disorders that give me memory issues so having a reminder on my phone would be helpful, qnd the worst of all: they have put up fliers on a day i wasnt working for a mandatory meeting, on a day i wasnt working, and i did not have another shift until 2 days AFTER the meeting that i didnt even know happened bc they didnt bother to let me know despite me being physically unable to see fliers if im NOT THERE.

[squeakadeeks]

a positive healthcare experience, in this economy?

after spending damn near a decade with an ED, finally being referred to a honest to god ED specialist for the first time yesterday felt incredibly refreshing

like the basic foundation is if nothing else it was validating. ive had an ED since i was 15/16, all that while i was fully open with all doctors and therapists about how restrictive my diet was and my weight. i've told therapists i was eating less than 500 cals a day sustainably and they looked me dead in the eyes and said "oh thats a lifestyle choice, you just want to stay trim!" ive gone to the doctors 20-25 lbs underweight and they didnt say a word even as I was talking to them about health issues directly driven by malnutrition. when i told her this she got angry and said that it was wrong, and was only the third physician ive been to in my life to say "yes you have an eating disorder, and a rather severe one at that" and suddenly i just felt this huge wave of relief. its honestly been incredibly triggering to speak to people about what ive been doing to myself and having very few people see it. it makes me feel like im ""failing"" at having an ED, like if i was sicker, then people would see it and agree with me and i could get help; so having someone agree with me right out the gate was shockingly pleasant.

also????? she helped me identify something that i was developing as a new harmful behavior that i didnt even realize was a part of ED and now that i see it, it totally makes sense. i went from encouraging the behavior bc i thought it was helpful or healing, to being able to see it now and stomp it out, and i dont think i wouldve done that on my own.

AND ANOTHER THING that i really appreciated is a lot of ED care is only fixated on the physical effects, and granted ive really bungoed this chungo with how much i fucked up my heart and blood so physical effects are a major concern right now- but she also focused on psychological effects as well and i was just 🤘😩 its something ive been talking about for years and having a healthcare professional actually see that and help me with it was like BROOOO. I belive the reason why when i went to drs they wouldnt act is because typically you need a BMI of around 13 for them to admit you for ED care, and at my sickest i didnt even get close to that so they had no desire to act bc my body wasnt deemed sick enough while my mind was being torn to shreds.

so often in my day to day life it feels like i have all these external signals that are telling me something completely different than what im feeling, its just that one lone recovery voice against a world saying "ED? what are you talking about youre crazy, keep dieting!" and having a medical professional listen, validate and actually help was insane. im overjoyed and a little overwhelmed tbh but 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

[faggotmox]

oh fuck i'm abt to talk abt growing up the child of alcoholics with a bryan as an older brother so scroll on or hit read more, i do not care.

my moms drank herself to death. she drank our whole lives & well before it. my dad too but he's a passive drinker. anyways, the point being my mom was fucked up, she had mental health issues & came from a physically & emotionally abusive home. as a child she was kept from her father after her parents divorced, her mother beat her at times, & she often had to protect her little brother who is kinda slow.

guess what kinda environment she made for us? my moms never laid hands on us, but she abused emotionally & mentally. the shit she did always raised alarm bells with me (crawling into my bed, drunk at early hours as she cried abt how she's a bad mom to me & things along these lines). my brother did not see these things are red flags or alarms.

my mom & I were my brother's only blood relatives here bc my mom took him from his dad after her divorce & moved across the country (huh kinda like how her mom kept her from her dad after their split, huh???). my dad was a fine father to us (aside from the drinking & queerphobia) but he was only my brother's dad by default which is proved now after my mom's passing & my dad doesnt really want anything to do with my brother.

anyways, my mom was all my brother had. so there was always an excuse or a reason why what she was doing was okay or fine or didn't matter. ofc we never had big blow up abt shit, bc in real life people just die they don't have big dramatic bullshit. but bryan's point of view, his excuses, his reasoning, runs parallel to my brother's feelings & place. i was the one trying so hard to get him to see, so he didn't get fucked up by her. i never wanted to like cut my mom out, maybe get her help but yeah she died before that, i just didnt want my brother wrapped up in her issues which caused issues in him.

i the kid that realized i was an alcoholic & got to work on that. my brother didn't, he still doesn't see what she did & we are going five plus years post death by drinking. & we watcher her kill herself, she was told to stop drinking & she pared down. drank "only" beer & wine, nothing hard, & ofc that was still making her sick. she eventually got sick enough she couldn't drink really.

so much of the emotional charge between regal, bryan, & mox, all people who have first hand experience with life threatening addiction, is so fucking real. if youve never been in it, like we have, you may not understand the pain these three are sharing & presenting to us. ive been mox holding onto the rope, shaking & wanting to plead for bryan to see but knowing he wont. ive been bryan, blinded by the love of someone important & special something unconditional. & ive been regal, a drunk who has hurt the people around me.

god that fucked me up. but it did it's job. it got under my skin, it triggered me & forced me to deal with certain feelings ive compartmentalized. as a person who has lived, in a way, every aspect of this story they're telling...its accurate & it hurts & its fucking painful & it's good. as hard & painful & unwanted as this is for me, its also good for me. & as someone who cant fathom putting that out there, on a national stage, i respect what they're doing bc it must be fuckin hard.

i lost over a year's sobriety on October 25th. i only got a few weeks under me anymore. & in a way this reminded me that it's going to relapse, that it's part of recovery, & i can move forward from here. its fuckin dumb that this shit can work, like when it's something you want to & need to see, art can work really well to help you realize shit. it fuckin sucks but im not alone. my mom wasn't alone. my brother isn't alone. even if we don't quiet see it.

[ms-hells-bells]

okay so i just turned seventeen, but last year in may i was sixteen and back then i logged into this spam account i used to have that i abandoned, and i had a bunch of old msg's from my friends but i only answered one, it was from my old male best friend who i used to sorta date but the point is he asked me how i was doing, if i moved bc i hadnt been active on anything or answering anyones messages for over a year, i just said 'good' and kept my answers brief but then he said 'is there anything new with you?' and this is the part where i messed up bad, i couldnt take the pain anymore and i asked him to keep this between us, he said yes, and i told him 1. i got raped 2. there was a vid sent to me 3. i am 2m pregnant because i felt sick about telling my family, he was the first person i told just to try to make myself feel better and he said "Thank you for telling me" and left it at that

this is seriously fucking haunting me, sorry if im dramatic but looking back i think he definitely told his friends, he was uncomfortable, or didnt care and whenever i sleep at night i get reminded of it and i just feel so awful inside, i dont know how to make myself feel better and i couldnt take the embarrassment of messaging him on that exact account so i used another one of my spams and told him happy birthday a few months ago, he said thank you hes thinking of me blahblah but (not that its a big deal) he didnt even tell me happy birthday and i feel like he doesnt care about me or the times we had, i thought maybe he didnt know what to say (bc wtf is thank you for telling me???? or let know know if that was a normal reply and these paragraphs are not a big deal) but then i had to remind myself that okay, he's twenty and he was probably uncomfortable especially because we hadnt talked in 1year+. of course i apologized bc it was kinda trauma dumping on him but im so embarrassed how do i overcome it, should i delete the messages??? i think that could help but im also too embarassed to reread them i feel like i should kms the humiliation is unreal

i thought time would fix it but its been 9 months. time did not help me. if you dont have a solution ty anyways and im probably going to delete the msgs once i can bring myself to log in

first of all, i'm so sorry that that happened to you, that's awful.

i think you really need therapy, you've gone through a terrible thing, and you feel extremely alone and terrified of being judged. he responded the only way he could to hearing something like that, i think 'thank you for telling me' means 'thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this' as it can be so hard to tell that to someone. a lot of people also don't like saying 'sorry' because it comes off as disingenuous, so i think 'thank you for telling me' is the best response he could have given in that situation, especially as an older male talking to you (16 vs 20).

i think that, though it'll be hard, you need to stop thinking about it. you confided in someone you had trust with, he responded in a supportive way, and you haven't brought it up afterwards, meaning there's very little chance that he felt 'trauma dumped' on or extremely uncomfortable (of course, it'd be uncomfortable to hear that, but that's a natural reaction out of empathy). you told him, that's it, it's best to move on. it's so hard to with anxiety, where you overthink everything that you do and say, and others' reactions, but i found that the best thing to do is just take things like this at face value. he provided the appropriate support an acquaintance would, you got it off your chest to someone, and you both proceed with the best path forward; he continues chatting with you casually when it comes up, given you're living different and physically separated lives, and you continue the process of healing from your trauma.

tldr: you did nothing wrong, you were vulnerable and needed someone to talk to. he responded a bit awkwardly, but in good faith, and is continuing to talk to you in the appropriate amount for a somewhat out of contact old friend. nothing to regret, it's just a matter of finding a proper outlet for you via therapy and support from people who are physically present and closer (personally) to you in order to healthily cope with your trauma.

i hope any of this helps.

[lailanbell]

in my healing journey from being raised by a narccisistic, manipulative, gaslighting abuser-

everyday i'm learning the truth he hid and the lies he fed me, everyday i'm learning what is actually not normal/not okay to do with/to your children.

"COACH BELL"

my dad sexualized me before i even knew what sex was. when i was 9/10 he came to me crying saying he read my horrorscope and it said something about being very sexually active and he was so upset and distraught lecturing me....i barely even understood what was going in because i didnt know what sex was.

when i was like 13/14 he used to threaten to take me to the clinic to get my hymen checked and then proceeded to physically threaten me if he found out my hymen had been broken.

he used to threaten to ask my boyfriends if i had had sex and/or other sexual acts with them when i was only 14/15.

at 20 when i was living with him he told me i better not be 'slutting it up' while living under his roof and told me he'd put his hands on me, even if i got a boyfriend. bc i didnt need one. He would even tell my younger sisters when i was out, that i was probably on the side of the road somewhere having sex with someone.

and this much sexualization has just been normal for me, its a distugsting nasty layer of skin ive been carrying for 12+ yrs and tonight i'm shedding that shit when i face this sorry ass disgusting man. my father made me feel worthless before any other man ever could.

i will keep sharing and exposing him because he has silenced me for so long and im DONE being quiet.

he's a SICK, horrible person.

[darlingfreddie]

I just told my mom that i have an eating disorder and it was so awkward im 🥴

[yes-feratu]

AHHH sorry I'm answering like this, i got this anon from my main acc but I'm trying to keep nsfw topics seperate from main!!

The tldr is that the angst potential is REALLY GOOD here too.

I'm kinda of two minds bc I'm just gonna come right out and say that I'm not the biggest fan of Matthew, so I don't rly think abt scenarios involving him w my faves too much, esp not in a romantic capacity BUUUUT on the other hand...I also really like it when Alfred gets hurt and jealous...

I've seen the idea played around with in fanart and fics here and there and I will say it is intriguing...perhaps Mattie's sick of Alfred, sick of the war, sick of seeing him be a brat and getting away with murder anyways and especially sick of the fact that he's still so obviously the favorite despite him being such a brat, and so finally when Arthur is so heart broken and sad and desperate for loyalty and companionship thru the revolution, Matthew says fuck it! and he starts trying to become the favorite as a way to sorta say fuck you to Al. Especially since Matthew and Al were very close growing up, Matthew knew how big of a crush Al has always had on Arthur, and so its an even bigger mental fuck you to him when they finally do sleep together.

I like to think Mattie had a crush on Arthur growing up as well, but it wasn't anywhere near Alfred's. Just a small one, but it was there, and idk...Arthur going to him not just for allyship but for comfort during the rev war just feeds directly into Matthew's need to feel like he's actually wanted and desired for once, not just an afterthought that someone got stuck with.

I think it may be a little jucier too bc I hc that Arthur rly didnt start to gain feelings for Al until sometime in the 1800s (and it took him even longer to recognize those feelings for what they truly were), but maybe he felt SOMETHING for Matthew during the rev war. I dont think he had romantic feelings for him, but definitely like...idk. some sort of depression induced lust for Matthew since he was THERE for him in one of his greatest times of emotional need. So idk like, tho short lived, the fact that he felt some kind of desire for Matthew earlier than he did Al is just...spicey....

If these rev war frus and mapletea scenarios happened in the same universe, then whereas I think Arthur finds out about Alfred and Francis relatively soon after the Revolution (abt mid 1800s), I think Matthew and Arthur are EXTREMELY tight lipped about it, so Al doesn't find out until the 20th-21st century, if he ever does at all. Since you asked about him finding out thoooo....

I think Al gets INSANELY jealous and it nearly ends up in a physical fight. I mean...cmon, do you blame him? His brother, his own fucking brother whos known for forever that Alfred's carried a torch for Arthur, fucking slept with him all those centuries ago?? and never told him???? It kills him. kills him dead. He stops talking to Mattie for awhile, and to make it angstier, if he and Arthur are dating at this point he also gets really moody with him and isolates himself from him because HOW COULD HE SLEEP WITH HIS BROTHER DURING THE REVOLUTION AND NOT TELL HIM??

Arthur feels both extremely guilty and extremely indignant because yes, he slept with Alfred's brother a long ass time ago when he was a wreck but also, Alfred slept with FRANCIS his literal WORST ENEMY at the time and never told him either, so in his mind the pot cant call the kettle black. Especially because on both Alfred's and Francis' part, they did it out of spite towards Arthur, and while Matthew also slept with Arthur out of spite (towards Al) I think Arthur was genuinely just lonely and a wreck and Going Thru It™️, so like...idk his motives weren't necessarily to be a bastard like Alfred's own motives were, so he feels absolved of a little guilt bc of that.

I think Francis ends up having to be the mediator between everyone. I like thinking of Alfred and Francis broship and I like the idea of Francis being one person who can cut through a lot of Al's bs and give things to him straight and have genuine conversations w him. So I think Francis is like. Hey. Dont you think you overrected? I mean...its not like you didnt revenge fuck me when you were all angsty and high off the revolution.

Finally he gets through to Al, and idk maybe he doesnt formally apologize to Mattie for yelling at him and trying to knock his shit out but he just shows up to his place after months of ignoring him and is like "i got a new game we can play it together if you want its not like i care", and idk...Im thinking maybe he and Arthur were on a break and with Arthur he actually DOES formally apologize to him and its a jumping off point for him to be like "look im still ticked off you didnt tell me but its unfair of me to have reacted that way so lets just take this as a chance to have better communication"

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

14 (bodyguard AU) and 46 (blind date) sounds fun,,, your choice of ship ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥

14. Bodyguard AU || 46. Blind date

Random choice generator got me creativisleep!

~

roman's a semi-popular actor- he's never really been to an awards show, and he's not been in That much, but he had a small but strong role in a real popular film and plenty of leading ones in lesser known movies. he's got enough of a following to be satisfied with himself, even if it isn't That huge of one

because of this, roman didn't take the possible dangers of his fame seriously... until he got jumped by one fan at a play in his hometown. he came out fine (he's always fine ;p) but it made him reconsider his choice to not have some sort of protection

he ends up hiring remy to be his bodyguard, a choice he Slightly starts regretting when he realizes remy, despite having excellent marks out of bodyguard school, is about as professional as a golden retriever

they take roman's food out of his fridge Whenever, borrow Way too many of his shirts (and roman hasn't seen his BMC 'boyf riends' hoodie since they got their hands on it), and is never in typical bodyguard wear (they wore a suit for the interview and never again)

but they also bring roman coffee (when did they get his regular figured out...?), talk to him like he's just a Person and not a celeb, and have yet to try and kill him themself so. roman's alright with them staying

(plus, is it so wrong if roman enjoys how they look? he deserves for a bit of an eye-candy sorta bodyguard, damnit, they're with him all the time after all)

remy's been with roman as his bodyguard for a few months when roman decides he cant just keep Lookin at a pretty person, he deserves to have a pretty person to kiss and cuddle with too!! so he pokes around for a bit, finds a non-homophobic service (he's pan, so he could Technically use a plain ol' straight service, but he refuses on gay principle), and uses it

idk how datin apps work but this one that im makin up is a blind match up app, which takes ur information and uses it to randomly pair u up with random accounts. the app keeps account info privated until After the first date has been gone on, to really maintain the 'blind match' aspect. the matched up people play a mini guessing game through the app about places they can go for a date until location and time is determined

roman likes the idea of the app mostly to keep his own identity secret as long as possible- he doesnt want people pickin his account Just bc he's a celeb, y'know?

the first couple of blind dates dont go well tho... most are nice people who roman just isn't compatible with, one was a straight woman who spent the entire date being Very homophobic despite roman's rainbow heart + pan flag pins, and someone who was clearly Too Much Of A Fan (remy had to physically pull them off of roman and help him escape the park before they could latch back on)

oh, did roman not mention? remy's been coming on all his dates with him

because of course they are! they need to protect roman! whether that's by eating dinner in the booth over or sitting two rows back at the cinema or awkwardly half-stalkin roman and his date while they walk about

so they're always there, to bring roman there and take him home, and listen when he complains about the bad matches and lament the almost-winners, and convince him he is a catch that needs to try again because eventually Someone will realize he really is too good to pass up

(remy always says that line in a weird way)

so he keeps trying... until roman has possibly the worst date ever

because he gets stood up. it's fifteen minutes past the scheduled date time, he's gotten no text explainin where they are, but he's sittin at the restaurant alone and starting to become rather upset by the pitying look the server gives him when he says he's still waitin on someone else before he orders

remy slides into the seat across from him at the 20 minute mark. shoots roman an apologetic smile that an outsider would mistake as a 'sorry im late' one when roman knows it's a 'sorry they didnt show' one

roman appreciates the gesture to save him, but he almost just wants to go home at this point. he's tired and bein stood up feels like Shit, actually, and he's about ready to call off the whole dating thing really, dramatic as that may be (like it's not his middle name)

but remy says smth about this place having really good sandwiches, and it's clear they're tryin so hard to help roman out here, even a little, and roman can't just dismiss that effort, so he picks up his menu again and orders smth and tries to ignore the way his face heats up just the slightest at the relieved smile remy flashes next

lunch with remy is great, actually, better than it would've been with whoever couldnt be bothered to show or apologize or Anything. remy even knows the way to an ice cream shop on the way home, sayin it's for roman's 'broken heart' as they pay for it

except, well... roman's heart isn't feelin so broken anymore

it's actually feeling pretty put together. really functional. functioning really fast. especially when roman's looking at remy. or when remy's lookin at roman. or when they smile. or when they laugh. or when they speak. or when they-

roman doesn't fall asleep until 2am that night, heart still racing a bit, screaming into his pillow a bit as he acknowledges he is wholly and totally head-over-heels for his bodyguard

he tells remy the next day he's done with dating for a bit, saying he's still upset over being stood up. he doesn't mention that it's also bc remy's ruined all other people for him

things try to fall back in routine from there, but it's a bit harder when roman's trying to not be so in love with someone who just works for him. and remy's definitely started pickin up on it too- they had asked him just last if he was okay, that he didn't seem as upset by remy takin his clothes anymore, and that didn't seem like him, was he getting sick?

the opposite, actually, absolutely nothing makes me feel better then seeing you walk around in my shirt or jacket or whatever else, please never stop and also kiss me?

roman just said he was tired

eventually... roman decides this can't keep going on. remy's giving him more weird looks these days, and roman is pretty sure being around remy so much without Any kisses is starting to cause brain decay (it's not, it's really not, remy always bein on his mind is just a side effect of.... pretti........). so, he takes matters into his own hands

admittedly, maybe firing remy wasn't the best way to go, given remy immediately demands to know why, what they did wrong, even asking if roman's being blackmailed into this

"blink once for yes, twice for no" remy asks, lowering the sunglasses they always have on to look directly at roman's eyes

roman doesn't blink for a full minute. he might not be breathing for that minute either. has he ever seen remy's eyes this close? has he ever seen them at all? they're such a brilliant shade of brown. roman could drown in them. he might be already

roman's pretty sure he started this conversation standing up, but maybe not, because when he finally blinks and remembers things outside of remy's eyes exist he's sitting down and remy looks extremely concerned

"okay... what's wrong, hun?" they ask, and oh no, they look so sad, and worried, and that's not good, roman should fix that right now, regardless of whatever he was doing before (he's forgotten)

"im gay" he responds intelligently. this will fix everything

remy, however, just looks confused. "yes?"

"for you" roman adds, helpfully, sure that Now remy will understand they're just really very pretty and nothing's wrong and if they feel bad still they should look in a mirror because then they'll be good again

now it's remy's turn to sit in silence, expression frozen in one of shock. they still havent put their sunglasses back on, so roman doesnt mind, bc this gives him more time to stare at remy's eyes

"you're having a breakdown because you're gay for me???" remy finally asks, expression unfreezing to look incredulous and a little hurt

roman returns a similar look. "im not having a breakdown!"

remy scoffs. "yeah, sure, right, that's why you suddenly froze and completely stopped breathing and minorly collapsed after i... look off my shades to look at you..." they suddenly break out in a smirk. "oh my gods, you're a gay disaster"

roman doesn't try to deny it, especially with the knowledge he apparently did stop breathing to admire remy's eyes. they have a point

"how long?"

"since that date you hijacked after i got stood up" roman admits. he finds it extraordinarily rude when remy starts laughing

...until they're pulling out their phone, hurriedly opening up the exact same dating app roman had been using, showing a log of all the dates they had planned- there's only one marked as having actually been attended

same date time and place of the one where roman had assumed he had been stood up

"you broke my heart!" roman says as remy puts away their phone, over-dramatically, not actually giving a damn, just feeling gay and a bit giddy at the thought remy hadnt gone to any of the other dates, just theirs

no longer worried quite as much about roman for the moment, remy's smirk just grows, smoothly moving from being crouched in front of roman to being set firmly in his lap, lazily brushing hair out of his eyes and wow was remy always this warm? and stunning? and perfect?

"i dunno babe... sounds more like i stole it" remy teases, movin from playing with roman's hair to cuppin his cheek, leaning in close and not even bothering to pretend to be looking at anything other than roman's lips. "which, yeah, bad bodyguard etiquette... i hope you can forgive me..."

roman doesn't need his words to answer that tease

[nagitolovebug]

How did komahina co-parent at first? How was hajimes reaction to the twins? Did bebi like getting siblings

komahina's co-parenting at first was...definitely an Ordeal. not even because of bebi, but bc komahina is a mess. originally hajime was very insecure about his role in bebi's life, as he had very clearly asserted himself as a separate person from izuru and that he was going to live as hajime and not someone else- so wouldn't that make bebi Not his kid? sure, they're his genetically, but in theory.... that was the dilemma he dealt with. he'd already grown attached to them when he was caring for them while nagito was still in a coma and worries now that nagito has woken up, his job is done, and that nagito won't want him around bebi anymore. in turn, nagito is worried that bc hajime is asserting himself as separate from izuru that he doesn't see bebi as his kid and will not be interested in raising them, that bebi will lose their father and nagito will lose his once-husband (lurking somewhere in hajime's subconscious...) turned best friend. they live together right off the bat, sleeping in the same bed (bebi likes to be held by the 2 of them to fall asleep...but even when bebi sleeps in their own bed they didn't think to get separate bedrooms or anything...) and end up becoming very.....affectionate with one another despite their claims that they're purely platonic. they "platonically" hold hands, cuddle, kiss, kiss, and more...intimate things in the cover of night ;) nagito's convinced hajime is just "using him for stress relief" and he's only truly staying bc he'd feel guilty leaving bebi. hajime thinks they're together. this miscommunication is not truly cleared up until hajime proposes. other than that, they both love bebi very very much and spend all their time with bebi, doting on them, playing with them, caring for them.

as for hajime's reaction to the twins- that in itself was also an Ordeal! when nagito found out he was pregnant again, bebi was very sick and in the hospital, which was very hard on nagito as he blamed himself. and he had resigned himself to leaving bebi and hajime, thinking they'd be safer without him in their lives. hajime was an adult who was fully informed of the danger of nagito's luck and had izuru's luck to protect him ! but bebi couldn't consent to that. he did not want to risk hurting his child in any capacity. so he resigned himself to leaving...but the news of pregnancy only devastated him further. to think he'd ruin not only bebi and hajime's lives but the life of another baby (not knowing it was twins lol)....it was too much for him. the plan was to leave the island, suffer through the pregnancy by himself, and come back after the birth to drop their new baby off before disappearing forever.

trans male pregnancy under the cut

bc nagito's carrying twins, the toll on his body during this pregnancy is far worse than it was during despair. he becomes very weak and sickly, especially with the added stress and despair of trying to leave his 'best friend' and kid, his kid being in the hospital,,, he hasn't been taking care of himself. the night bebi returns from the hospital (fully recovered! ...but having finally fully lost their vision in their right eye), hajime catches nagito trying to leave. he'd collapsed on his way out, having gotten incredibly dizzy. he'd left nothing but a note on the nightstand reading, "Be back soon." hajime wakes up to an empty bed and almost (almost) panics, steadies his breaths to the small snores of a sleeping baby in a nearby crib. he finds nagito half unconscious on the beach slumped on a duffel bag. "nagito??? nagito???? nagito!!! oh, thank god" "h...inata-kun?" "yea, it's me, come on, let's get you-" and nagitos eyes clear up and he shoves hajime away. "nagito-?" "stay away from me!" "nagito, you're not in your right mind, let's go back to the cabin-" "...how did you find me." "well, I found your note, which scared me shitless- I had no idea where you were or what had happened to you and frankly, I'm pretty pissed about that, but that can wait until I know you're safe-" "I'm so sorry, hinata-kun, I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry, hinata-kun, hinata-kun, hinata-kun-" "jeez, I said you can call me hajime... it's alright, relax, i'm not really mad. I was just worried." "you don't understand, you have to get away from me now-" "what are you even doing out here. what's with the bag" "hinata-kun." "....where were you going" "I hadn't decided yet" "why" "I-" "just bc you're in remission, you think you can just do whatever you want? what if something happened to you? goddamn it, you're not bullet proof, nagito! I know you're working on it, I know you're trying, but fuck you're so goddamn selfish! people care about you! I care about you! why can't you just understand that!" "i won't let myself hurt you!" "you're hurting me now!" "this will ruin your life, i will ruin your life-" "im your fucking....best friend, just tell me what's wrong, i can help you-" "nobody can help me, it's too late for me..." "goddamn it, nagito, please-!" and nagitos voice breaks when he whispers. "...i'm pregnant" ".......what" and nagito breaks into a quiet sob "I'm pregnant, hajime, and no one else on this island would dare defile themselves with me the way you have..." "are you serious?" "please don't make me say it again" and maybe if nagito weren't lost in a spiral of self deprecation and if his eyes weren't swimming with tears, he would've seen the nervous smile that broke out on hajime's face, the joy in his voice. "nagito, that's-!" "horrible? disgusting? i know I'm an abomination, hajime, maybe if my pathetic body functioned the way it was meant to-" "don't say that. don't you ever say that" "please just leave..." "you...you were pregnant with our kid and you were gonna leave??? what if you relapsed? what if you needed me?" hajime grabbed his face and forced nagito to look at him. "why are you doing this?" nagito laughed breathlessly, hysterically. "don't worry, hinata-kun, i would have brought them back! i simply didnt want to force you through the despair of having someone as putrid as me being pregnant, knowing that you've procreated with the lowest scum of the earth....surely it would ruin you. besides, i could never take your child from their father. nor would i subject them to my luck...will you let me go now, knowing your child will be alright" "they're your kid too" "for the sake of their sanity I'd rather keep that to myself" hajime steeled his expression, then grabbed Nagito's wrist. "we're going back to the cabin. we'll talk more in the morning." "Hinata-kun, let go of me." "nagito, let's go." "hinata, let go" "I'm not leaving you out here" nagito starts tearing up again and scratching frantically at his own skin. "please" "we're leaving." and hajime picks nagito up (he was

probably still too dizzy to walk anyway). but nagito starts screaming and thrashing and crying and weakly hitting hajime. "LET ME GO, LET ME GO, LET ME GO, IM GONNA HURT YOU, IM GONNA KILL YOU, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE-" and hajime starts silently crying too but he just holds on tighter and keeps walking. i think they get to the cabin and hajime sets him down on the bed and nagito starts punching hajimes chest (not hard) but hajime just grabs his wrists and holds them tight as nagito struggles and cries softly. "i ruined your life..me and this broken body of mine." "i...love you. you're not broken. I'm not leaving and neither are you." "i hate you..." "you're the best thing that ever happened to me." "I'll kill you..." "you won't." "why won't you just leave.." "why won't you stay." "..." "lets go to bed. we'll see mikan in the morning. get some rest." nagito is still scratching at his skin when hajime pulls him against his chest and forces nagito to lay down with him. "i love you" "im scared..." "i know" "im so sorry.." "i know. it's ok" "it's not" "as long as you're still with me, it is." "you're too kind to me.." "i love you." "how many times are you going to say that." "as many times as it takes for you to believe it." and the conversation pitters off as nagito silently sobs into hajime's chest until he passes out while Hajime rubs small circles into his back and presses kisses to his head. nagito wakes up with his eyes swollen face still tucked into Hajime's chest and he knows hajime's awake bc he can feel his chest vibrating with light hums and soft strokes to his hair. nagito looks up and licks his lips, eyes watering again when he sees hajime's patient gaze, his eyes crinkling in a worried smile, extenuating the eyebags and evident exhaustion. "hinata-kun, i'm so s-" "shhh. none of that. we're seeing mikan in a bit, i already called her. i'm sorry for not noticing what was going on. it must have been so hard dealing with this alone.." "you shouldn't have to deal with it.." "i want to. i love you. we're in this together. for as long as you'll have me. it's hard, it's really hard sometimes, because i hate seeing you like this..it makes me feel so helpless it reminds me of-- the. program. but it's worth it. for you, it's always worth it." "hinata..." "keep resting. don't strain yourself too much." "i love you...i love you..i love you ..." "i know." going to see mikan and mikan warns them that Yes nagito is in fact pregnant and the fact that he's just come off of chemo and is still in remission is gonna make the pregnancy tough on him physically and that he's gonna get about as sick as he was before but promises it's temporary and that she guarantees he'll see the baby to full term ("link that's medically incorrect" idc link does what he wants Hajime has a dude put in his head via lobotomy science is a liar sometimes) and hajime holds nagito's hand the entire time and presses a kiss to his cheek when he cries a little when mikan says the baby will be healthy and ok and survive and nagito turns to him and gives him a watery smile before laughing and crying joyously a little more and thats when hajime knows they'll be ok. they do talk more abt this whole thing, nagito's motives, bebi,,,,but that's like a 1k fic and this post is alr long enough 😅maybe i'll polish it and make it a fic. long story short, hajime's personally extremely happy that nagito's pregnant, but his worry over nagito's health as a whole, physical and mental kinda trumped that but past that- it's nothing but excitement! (they did not know they were having twins...so excitement and a surprise!) as for bebi, they were very happy to be getting a sibling! they love mimicking everyone they see by talking to their papa's tummy, touching it, generally babbling to komahina how they're gonna share their toys with the baby, will the baby play with them, can they share a room? they always want more love in their life !

[petewentzisblack1312]

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

[irkenheretic]

okay i promised id do it and im doing it: Explaining The Plot Of That AU I’m Vague About: The Post

(as i was preparing to write this i actually got my 250th follower, which slapped)

so i’m just gonna start with the simple version, which is this: it’s a rebel AU which primarily centers around the tallest, who are both defective. they give up on trying to make any meaningful changes as figureheads, and instead direct their attention to being involved with the “neo defect revolution,” or NDR. they do manage to make one change as tallest- there is a garbage dump planet turned into a sanctuary for defectives (who in this au are executed once discovered,) and eventually enough of the populace finds out about it that the tallest have to deal with it. they finesse their way into kicking it out of the empire, so now it’s its own planet with its own rules, governments, and most importantly, immigration policies and protections

a lot of stuff happens and it’s gonna be structured using arcs, and each arc has a separate protagonist/deuteragonist/tritagonist lineup (but that doesnt mean the same lineup won’t be used multiple times!) and yes the insane list of OCs are for this au alone: some arcs are very OC-centric, some have OCs as supporting characters, and a couple are all-OC or mostly-OC. 

its going to be very longform and it’ll span from the tallest’s elite training days to twenty years after zim arrives on earth. (the 20 year gap btwn zim arriving on earth and the story proper isnt as tightly plotted as later tho.) the point is to see how a revolution on the scale of the NDR works, who was fucked over by defact laws, who was fucked over by other laws, etc. theres a lot of lore and a lot of headcanons i made for this AU and even a conlang. i am a being of hubris. itll be a series of fics, some multichapter and some oneshots. 

the series as a whole is gonna be called Invader Zim: Annexed or just Annexed for short. its a pun on an irken word that sounds similar but means the exact opposite. i am not explaining more bc itll be explained in the fic itself. but thats why the tag for it is #anx lmao

i didnt mean for this to be as long as it got but under the cut im gonna breakdown some of the early arcs:

so it all starts with a fanfic called Love Is The H-Word (no the “h-word” isn’t “hell.) it centers around red and purple as elites-in-training, who do a little whoopsie and have an egg. purple doesnt wanna smuggle it into a smeetery, bc then he’ll never see it again, so they go to the defect sanctuary (still a part of the empire at this point.) purple knows he’s defective while red has a hard time accepting that he is as well, due to events from his past. but being around all these other defects are starting to wear down his denial, and the fic is all about that. it also sets up some plot stuff, like how defects adopted a self-identifier in the word “heretic,” hence the sanctuary being named, “heretirk.” (hey look my url!) (no, the “h-word” is not heretic, either.) 

i dont wanna say what happens in that fic bc spoilers, but stuff Happens. its also when we meet some ocs that end up being important, and the existence of others are foreshadowed. this is also where we meet the tallests’ future advisor, rarl kove, for the first time, as a local who decides to keep them company. purple bonds with kove due to their shared interest in politics, while red reluctantly bonds with titch, a young irken (a smeet in heretirken standards, an adult in imperial standards- did i mention he and red are roughly the same age? lol) who is interested in military stuff and thrill-seeking and general destruction. titch is pissed because he claims his father is stealthing on devastis as a military commander, but won’t let titch sneak in as a soldier, as titch is deaf. 

(fun facts: in the au, “titch” is regional slang for “a little bit.” ironically, titch the character is above-average in height.)

due to titch’s deafness, he developed “gesturespeak,” irken sign language, so he can communicate. this existing becomes important later

a oneshot called invade the system is right after h-word in publishing order. it details zim’s exploits in leaving foodcourtia, where he was assigned and infiltrating the invading academy he eventually graduates from (in this au, zim is too short to be an invader, which sucks because the hight minimums for the military are really short to begin with lmao)

the fic chronoligically after H-Word focuses on red and purple being back in their platoon on devastis, specifically red navigating his training and his relationships with two defective platoonmates, pon and zi (who are in h-word a little,) after the realization that he too is defective. it also focuses on how the irken military works, and how they train their soldiers. 

the first arc overall focuses on red and purple going thru training and such, and ends after they graduate and are on the field, working to get commander rank. (they planned to gain commander rank then leave and go back to heretirk to train an army there, as heretirk has.... no army.) in the middle of this, they’re pulled out and told they are to become the next tallest. they debate over staying and taking the job or just running to heretirk, and they ultimately decide to stay.

the next arc i call the “bridge,” tbh. its less tightly plotted than the other arcs; fics are spread apart from each other chronologically and all that. it spans the time after the tallest being appointed to a little after zim arrives on earth. it also has a couple of anthologies focusing on imperial defects- each chapter is a new character. these guys are all important and the easiest way for me to introduce their backstories without cluttering everything up is anthology style, lmao. other things that happen are a look into how the tallest work, eventually culminating with the resolution of the tallest having to Deal With Heretirk, tenn’s rescue from meekrob, and zim on earth obtaining a half-irken smeet named pip due to stealing an Unethical Science Experiment from dib (which is pip.) the bridge is basically just. “heres some stuff that happens between point A and point B so when we get to point B you’re not confused as all hell.” 

the next arc focuses on zim. in the first fic, pip is sick and zim is trying to get into his neighbor’s pants, to cope. this basically sets up that zim in this au has no idea how to find personal fulfillment in living- he’s only OK if he focuses on pleasing someone else, be it taking care of pip or doting on the neighbor, some rando human named piqu (pronounced, “peek.”) this is mainly a cute romance story with the underlying veneer of “a child is slowly and painfully dying” in the background. fun! 

without spoiling the circumstances, zim and pip end up on heretirk, which at this point is its own independent planet. pip is in the hospital for most of it so zim has to do his own thing. computer fans rejoice bc hes basically zims dad at this point, who tells him to go outside and get some fresh air and talk to the locals instead of schmooping or screaming in anxiety. im sneakily introducing more characters like ini, the “next-gen zim;” a short bio-engineer (she works on PAKs) who was constantly passed over by everyone because they dont trust someone that short or they dont trust someone that spazzy, even though shes actually brilliant. also her brother mo, who’s a pilot that NOBODY will teach military-class ships to (at this point, HTK has a population of ex-military that had their old ships, but still no formal army) because he doesnt talk and they think hes “slow” as a result. for the curious, he is physically able to talk most times, he just doesnt like it. zim ends up teaching him how to fly military-class which ends up being important laterrr

(haha ini and mo. wheres meenie and minie? ILL GET TO THEM)

no really, theyre quadruplets. named ini, myni, minie, and mo. these are real characters. 

minie isnt introduced till later. shes too cool to be the side character in someone elses arc. she is feel uncomfortable when we are not about her.

myni is busy palling around with pip and pip’s friend “elly” (real name elevenn, with two N’s.) elly is a half-meekrob War Crime Baby and tenn’s smeet. he has vision problems (he can “see” energy signatures of things, as opposed to conventional sight. everything is monochrome and he has to really focus to see like, words on a paper. also fuck tablets) but the trade-up is telekinetic powers (that he cant use too much or his brain will melt. fun!) this isnt relevant until the arc AFTER zim’s, where they end up poking around a historical site due to myni’s interest in that kind of thing, and they find logs of an old revolution (that was actually pretty successful in their goal, before they were caught and executed,) that lead them to a man named lefy. he helps with revolutions and helped these guys, and the trio go to seek him out; myni because he wants to impress his parents with helping them, pip because after they’ve recovered enough to walk around and do stuff, feel like they need to justify the choice to save their life and make their dad proud and all that, elly because he doesnt want pip to get hurt and die. And thats where the stuff REALLY starts happening and i cant tell u more sorry

this seemed kind of disjointed but thats bc i cant really be too detailed otherwise id like.... spoil it lmfao. but thats the summary of the first few arcs.

[lesbianstarlightglimmer]

so my valentines was spent...

at work in 4°F with basically a blizzard running out orders or handing them out of the window and constantly cleaning up slush bc the dumbasses who not only came to get some ~chicky strips and borgers~ in a blizzard BUT DECIDED TO SKIP THE QUICK DRIVE THRU AND WALK INSIDE TO GET FOOD AND HAVE TO CAREFULLY WALK BACK. and they couldnt even be bothered to TRY to stomp their shoes off on the welcome mat thing??? lmfao

but there really wasnt many customers which was especially weird for a sunday (yeah there was a blizzard but the people of my town are utter morons) so there was a lot of down time

that sounds nice but i then spent the rest of the time anxious af about not knowing what to do with all that down time bc ik the managers would start getting upset if things werent getting done like they do normally but like??? you can only clean so much and restock so much??? what do i do then??? fake clean or fake check stock????

anyways that lead up to me during my last hour suddenly realizing my anxiety at work is directly influenced by how my f*ther will get annoyed and snippy if he thinks everyone is sitting around or not doing the task HE thinks needs to be done (even if im working on homework he still acts annoyed that im not doing his thing) and is constantly wanting to know what we are doing/where we are going which leads to me constantly telling my managers “im getting the mop” so they know my whereabouts bc im just so used to being monitored ig

and also on days my moms at work i have to act as her stand in and constantly be at his side asking what he needs me to do to avoid getting passive aggressive remarks or his chihuahua growl or whatever (high pitched but still low and dangerous sounding) for not being his mom or whatever the fuck you wanna call the horrible relationship between him and my mother

and this is an old realization but the reason why im so good with customers is bc living w my f*ther for 23 years has made me exceptionally good at pampering and bending to every whim to pacify customers. im so used to hearing him pretend like hes the only one thats right and as soon as someone else has A Point he makes A Point of shutting us down and saying that hes right--end of story. or not reading the signs and acting like its our fault they (he) didnt understand

oh and he drove me to work today too so i had to spend an awkward 10 minutes w him and he was already in a foul mood bc he took my mom to work and ig when he got back he needed to let addie out to pee so she didnt make a mess of the garage floor and accidentally set off the alarm and was cussing at me to just close the door bc the dog was nosing her way there (never answering my question of whether he thought the roads were safe or not for him to take me) and then we kept having this back and forth argument on the way there (basically he wanted me to keep my phone on me at all times in case the weather got bad so he could call me lmao as if i could answer at work LMAO but i kept trying to explain my pockets were too small for my new phone and somehow he thought NOTHING fit in my pockets and THEREFORE i needed to give him everything except my license and credit card until i finally repeated it enough times ig he finally figured out my WALLET AND KEYS can fit in my pocket but my PHONE cannot but i can safely store it away in the break room.) that was making me nervous bc i could tell he was ready to snap and i was just trying my best to remain calm and explain. 

and i had my near-breakdown or panic/anxiety attack (whichever one involves shortness of breath/squeezing chest/feeling of dread/shaking) at the end of my shift and got scared shitless when i noticed his car in the parking lot about 15 min before i was scheduled to go and so i snuck back to the back to check my messages and make sure he wasnt needing me there asap so i didnt hafta hear him bitch about waiting on me. he said to take my time and “whenever” which is always a precarious place like “whenever you can” or “whenever so long as its like right now” and so once i left i was trying hard not to shake and keep anxiously dumping my day to him so there was no room for him to talk 

also the anxiety killed my stomach and so did the fact they put me on break early so only breakfast foods and the combo of early morning + eating = nausea and gagging through my food and then dinner was ribs which my f*ther took to DROWNING in bbq sauce for his own needs and the fact that those ribs make me sick bc of one time where i had a HORRIBLE headache and ate one bite before getting sick so now my brain associates the taste/smell w getting sick so theres that. oh and sauce in general makes me sick and like i said this shit was DROWNING in bbq sauce. oh and he made egg salad (which i dont eat) and when my mom got back from work he asked her if it tasted right and she said “more mayo and sugar” and he did and the mayo was SO DISGUSTINGLY STRONG SMELLING it nearly tipped my stomach over the edge.

 so all of that combined means i feel sick af...mentally AND physically...

[protego-et-servio]

Yea im not a parent but have worked a lot with kids and i agree with you. All this back and forth and do this, wait no do this, no wait this now, isnt good for kids. From MI so our gov was pretty good dealing with covid but my area isnt. Hardly anyone wears masks, people claim their kids wear masks all day but are full in person i guess and my neighbors have a middle and high schooler. One had to stay home in quarantine, but the school said to send the other one still. I know someone who has kids in each level of school, same thing. They just cycle what grades are home due to constant exposure. But if i say any of this some of the parents get butthurt like im telling them THEY need to keep THEIR kid home. Its nothing personal but they want to make it so. Plus the common covid death blow off is "Well, it was an underlying condition, if they were heathy theyd be fine." While turning around and saying shes going to defy her childrens drs orders and not take the two he wanted to check bc their underlying conditions are known and i guess like not imporant or something but what the fuck do i know, im sure heath conditions im teens is fine and a kid who survived SIDS and several other medical issues like a illness so fucking rare the drs didnt know what it was and once they figured it out all the drs. In the building came to see it in person bc its wo fucking rare. But i mean covids just a hoax tho! So its fine! 😒 honestly so happy i didnt work with kids this year for so many reasons but parents are the number one reason. I used to teach tumbling as well to toddlers and i just KNOW some fuckass would flip shit if i used hand sanitizer everytime i had to hold a kids hand.

Also i find it ironic that all of a sudden theyre agaisnt this. In like feb i was taking the kid i watch to school, (kindergarten) i overheard all the parents asking how many kids had to be out sick for them to close the school and they were all like "well only half the class is here anyways, they should just shut it down" but these same ppl are bitching about it now. Oh when its a cold ya wanna shut down but if its a pandemic fuck it. Nice.

-----

My girlfriend and I talk about this a lot. She’s half-convinced that these parents just hate their kids and are more concerned with their personal time without them than the kids’ actual safety. 

And they also don’t  think of the ramifications this has for people outside their immediate circles.

If the kids are going to struggle to learn, then the parents’ don’t really care about education.

If the kids’ physical health is going to be put in danger, then the parents’ concern isn’t over their mental health.

Not to immense the immense sense of entitlement one has to feel to put school staff in such a difficult position, especially right before a holiday break. Like, school staff will be the ones likely to suffer through COVID symptoms over what’s supposed to be a break and then be forced right back into working.

Ugh, I’m just infuriated.

[taehyungsgrowl]

SFW Alphabet for Nate

I think I did it wrong last time bc I was waiting for people to send me letters when I was just supposed to go down the list. But I’m a dummy so disregard half of what I say.

i hope you guys like them and thank you virgo anon for the input w these 🥺i love our baby 🥺

Here we go:

A- Activity (What is their favorite activity to do with you.)

-- i think he likes doing new things w you. and i know that sounds cliche BUT hear me out. duncan is a bit of a home body 🥺loves to be curled up w reader sharing kissies and cuddling. nate enjoys that too but i think trying new adventures w you is his favorite. i can see him being the type to like hiking dates!! (also lets not forget the tik tok videos you guys make together )

B- Beginnings (How do they act in the beginning of a relationship)

-- considering the beginning did start off as something kinda casual between him and reader, he kept it as such. but he’s such a natural charmer that even when he’s not trying, he just comes across as super sweet. they’d finish hooking up and he’d offer her to stay over or get them food (not bc he felt like he needed to but it’s just the kinda guy he is) i think he probably let his goofy side out right at the beginning as well. its what helped y/n open up to him and feel at ease w him 🥺

C- Communication (Are they good communicators? How do they normally talk about their problems or solve issues)

-- big sigh. nate? was the KING of communication!! hell! he was able to talk to duncan (who ISNT the best at communicating) when they weren’t even friends and helped him talk to dumb!reader. plus he’d always been open about his feelings. told y/n right away when he knew he was in love. (i only say he WAS bc he should have told y/n he was struggling before he ended up in the hospital 🥺)

D- Drunk (What are they like when they’re drunk)

-- koala bear cuddly drunk!! not just between him and reader! but he will love on anyone! (omg.. you know dunc was a little 😳when drunk!bro!nate started hugging him... hiding his face in duncs neck... telling he smells good... telling him how much he loves him... bros 👯‍♂️)

E- Emergency (How are they in emergency situations? You get hurt, they get hurt, someone is dying etc..)

— oh god. nate is the type to keep cool and collected in an emergency - even if he were the one having an emergency 🥺 like if reader would’ve been w him during his car accident, she would have been worried sick over him and he’d just be like, “hey, look at me. i’m okay, yeah? a lot stronger than i look, babe.” even if it hurt like hell because he doesn’t wanna worry her. if you were in an emergency or got hurt, he’d go into sexy doctor mode. “tell me where it hurts.” squeezing your hand to reassure you, “i got you.” also kissies where it hurts 🥺 and he’s such a good listener too wow we have no choice but to simp.

F- Free Spot (I’ll give you any headcanon I come up with)

-- i’m just gonna share one head canon that virgo anon tossed at me that really made me 🥺 baby nate 🥺 and how when he was younger he was always a nice boy 🥺 but wasnt the popular or “hot” one until he grew into himself in college 🥺 when he got maxie and it helped him manage his stress enough to be able to make connections 🥺y’all when she said that it made me heart 🥺 my sweet boy

G- Gifts (What kind of gifts do they give? What kind of gifts do they get?)

-- i think his gifts are rarely “over the top” but !! they’re simple and personalized!!! like a lil necklace w his initials / name 🥺or maybe he has someone make a picture of you two into an animation? like have someone draw you guys (do u know what im talking about?) as far as gifts for him, he enjoys like “interactive gifts” like sending him on a lil scavenger hunt (nate loves setting them up for you too 🥺) but if you set one up for HIM? god! he’d love you!

H- Hugs (How do they show affection/cuddle)

-- nate loves! loves! to give forehead kissies (not just because he’s tall fjhsjh) and being hugged (or picked up) in his strong arms!! loves it!! he loves being the big spoon 🥺i love him. 

I- Irritation (What is something that irritates them? How do they show their irritation?)

-- that reader continues to choose duncan over him fkjsvsfkv he wears his heart on his sleeve so i think when nate is upset or irritated... you know. 

J- Jackpot (How would they spend their winnings if they won the lottery?)

-- does nate have more $ than the shepherds? debatable. but he isn’t as... flashy w his money as duncan is. he’s a little more down to earth if that makes sense. BUT thats besides the point. he’d probably donate a lot to a charity of his choice than take you on a little get away. maybe a cross country road trip 🥺 or off to an island getaway. he’s flexible. 

K- Kryptonite (What is their ultimate weakness?)

-- virgo anon made me 🥺when we were talking about this bc nate would do anything for the people he loves and 🥺that gets him hurt. especially when he feels like those people dont love him in the way he does them 🥺

L- Laughter (What makes them laugh?)

-- clown!! nate is the guy that always keeps you laughing 🥺and most times he cant even contain his own laughter omg i will cry im in love with one man

M- Morning ( How do they wake up in the morning? Are they a morning person or a morning grouch?)

-- he’s a morning person 🥺 likes to start off his morning with a run and protein shake SMH fitness KING. 

N- Needy (When do they feel particularly needy? How do they show it?)

-- he’s so used to being the one who’s needed 🥺 it takes him a while to be comfy being vulnerable and needy. idk if there’s anything in particular that sets him off to be like this - but i’d like to think it happens at random. like youre on the couch and he just nuzzles his face on your tummy for you to pet his hair. he demonstrates it by wanting to be close to you 🥺

O- Oasis (Where is their happy place? Where would they go if they didn’t have anything holding them back?)

-- i think he’d be the kinda guy that enjoys the sun (not just bc he looks hot, shirtless on a beach) but yes. somewhere nice and sunny where he could have maxie w him 🥺if he could stay on the beach where he started falling for dumb!reader (with her) for ever he would 🥺

P- Pain (How do they handle pain? How do they handle when you are in pain?)

-- emotional or physical? jfgksjdgsdk but no i think if he’s well regulated, he can handle pain well - it’s when he’s not that it’s a problem (w emotional pain) he stops taking care of himself the way he should and really spirals into his head a lot you know 🥺i think he can handle others being in pain better than himself bc he loves a lot and its easier to focus his attention on trying to fix things for them (like we said his biggest weakness is doing too much for those he loves)

Q- Quote (What’s a quote that fits them and your relationship)

-- “loving is easy” fjskfsf not to be too corny but 🥺being w nate was easy... always on the same page.. and made her feel good. 🥺

R- Reunion (How do they celebrate seeing you after a long time of being apart)

-- lots!!! of kissies!! picking you up!! holding you close!!! physical touch is pretty high on his love language list i think 🥺(i think quality time or acts of service might be his top two though) 

S- Stress (What stresses them out? How do deal with stress and how do they relieve it?)

-- i generally think duncan is more of a control freak than nate, but i do think to some extent, they’re similar that when things feel out of their control, it really stresses them out. i think it manifests at different times. i think for duncan its more trivial things whereas w nate, if he feels like he could be doing something to “fix” something and he cant do anything it freaks him out. hes a healer, you know. i think working out is a big stress reliever for him 🥺my strong baby!! that and goofing off w reader 🥺

T- Terror (What are they afraid of?)

-- this kinda ties into his weakness (and could be amplified by his younger years) but he’s afraid of not really being enough for those he loves. especially if he was teased as a kid 🥺maybe thats why in a lot of his nightmares the theme of abandonment appears a lot 🥺i made myself SAD 🥺

U- Unique (What is a quirk that is unique to them?)

-- i asked virgo anon for help on this one 🥺and i love her so much 🥺 nate tugs on his hair when he’s nervous 🥺 he gets a lil annoyed after he buzzes it off and doesnt have much to pull on 🥺he likes to hold hands when spooning. loves to sing along to disney movies (but lets be honest, he’s the real prince KING)

V- Violence (Do they fight a lot? Are they a good fighter? What is their fighting style?)

-- well... idk if it’s fair to say he fights a lot because he tries not to resort to that - especially grad school nate. mostly because he knows he’s good at fighting. omfg... boxer!nate.... may have all my rights. and he doesn’t really wanna hurt anyone. BUT if needed!!! he will throw down. (ex. when dunc wouldnt let y/n leave the house. and then attacked him!! nate had to stand his ground 😌

W- Wow (What do you do that really surprises them? What do you do that they really like?)

-- idk i think nate was probably really surprised when reader gave him that second chance at friendship in the bathroom 🥺didnt think she would. on a lighter note, surprising him w fresh cooked meals always make him 🥺because... he’s trying but hasnt mastered the cooking thing yet.

X- (Explicit headcanon. For all you degenerates)

-- he’s uhh packing 😳and it hits all the right spots, you know 😳omfg and lets not forget the dickscussion we had about his head game being stronger than duncans 😌

Y- Yucky (Is there something that grosses them out so badly that they can’t deal with it?)

-- i wasnt sure what really grossed out medical professionals (if anything djsfs) but we kinda head canon for him to be into family / pediatric medicine so anything w LOTS of blood loss probably freaks him out 

Z- ZZZ’s (What are their sleeping habits? Both with and without you)

-- my baby. nate has really bad night terrors especially on bad(tm) days. it usually helps to have someone w him to be able to keep him calm when he wakes up 🥺if its not y/n you can bet maxie will be there for tons of kissies. he’s a sleep talker 🥺and when sleeping w you he loves being big spoon 🥺and when he’s alone, he kinda sleeps curled up and w a lot of pillows. comfort KING

[excvlsior]

👫 philly leo

Send a 👫 and I’ll write four headcanons I have about our muse’s relationship

leo is such a physically touchy person it’s jst his ‘love language’ ig considering he’s jst not good w words n physical touch went hand in hand w how he garnered attention whether it . was good or bad bt either way its jst ingrained in him. n it shows w everyone he’s with he’s extremely upfront abt it to a point where it can b a bit much LKSDHKLSDHGLKSDG bt i think philly is the first person he like. took a deep breath fr n actually kept his cool........ told himself he had to relax sort of thing bc she ws like . the first person he viewed as waiting being worth it? which sounds bad its not like >_> hes never had good meaningful relationships LKSHDGKLHSKLDGHDS bt other times either ppl have been all gung ho n Ready for Action at all times like w lana n freya lov u ladies bt they’re super sexual ppl so there wasn’t like. a need to wait until they wanted to do anything he’s jst never rly done tht fr anyone....... cuz he’s never actually liked anyone the way he likes philly like it wld kill him a bit bt i think leo wld strap on a chastity belt fr the rest of his life if philly requested it...... its the first relationship he’s ever been involved in where he’s very satisfied and reassured with everything being mostly chaste cuz its the first time that it’s been abt more than jst sex and he’s wanted it to b abt more than that............

i think during the summer when philly travelled around the states with elektra and they never rly had much contact bc she broke her phone leo wld still send useless text msgs a lot, things tht absolutely did not need to b sent like a picture of a dog tht wld jst say ‘looked like u’ and wld call her phone a lot jst to hear the answering machine...... the amount of embarrassing drunk msgs on there r sm. theres one where on a particularly bad night he jst lied on the roof of a house party n called philly n was like ‘im not even good at math but i havent seen u in 52 days thats gross and sick and wrong. its the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other since we met.’ and one tht says ‘when u get to vegas let me kno, i’ll fly out there within five minutes and we can get married by the elvis guy there.’ even tho he knew she wldnt b able to call back..... i think there’d b at least one rly sad one tho........ probs the night after a fight w steve or something where he’d jst ramble fr a long time before randomly blurting ‘i kno it wldnt b like out of character if u didnt come back but i jst hope u need me as much as i need u and u do.’

i like to think sometimes they jst hv rly nice nights where they get high on shrooms n take a picnic blanket to an open field in the quad n jst stare at stars fr hours........ leo wld start making up facts abt stars and constellations n insistent there was at least 5 stars up there named philomena.... mostly bc he cldnt remember where he said the first one was n etc. it’d constantly change cuz he jst cld never keep track. he’d eventually actually name a star after her probs...... he’d b so proud of himself too LSDHGKLHSDLGKHLSDG it rly wld b a bit of a romantic gesture........ he’s pretty good at keeping quiet abt things if he needs to b bt he’d b excited to tell her bt wld wna wait until it’s a good time..... wld probs finally tell her during the next meteor shower tht happened n wld b all ‘i went onto that name a star site did u kno it doesnt even take long? this might be the smartest thing ive ever done’ even tho he 100% still has absolutely no clue which star it is when he gives her the receipt fr it

during tht period of time where leo slept over every night to check on her when she was concussed i think made him even more attached........ i mean he already was. quite attached to philly obvs bt he rly struggled to sleep on his own after bt... i think the like Intimacy of it all made him realize its not jst disliking sleeping on his own bt sleeping without philly..... she jst rly makes him feel very secure in himself n their relationship n its the first time he’s never second guessed himself w someone its a different feeling than hes ever had w someone before. i can imagine if philly wasnt sneaking over to his room after tht then leo wld b. a face off to see who cld sneak over first. esp after tht time they didnt get to see each other fr a bit bc he was on lockdown at home w the impending trial being fresh n wht not....... bt the second philly asked if he wld b able to sneak out he was running fr the fkin hills. think he got into quite a lot of trouble fr tht one, probs milked it fr all its worth n stayed at hers again fr a few days knowing once he left it’d b a while again until they saw each other, bt he jst tied her yellow ribbon around his pinky finger n refused to move it until they got to see each other again bc then it felt like she was still w him a bit<3