#but i wasn't actively participating in the fandoms anymore

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/750262778392133632/i-was-watching-a-video-on-the-rise-of-the-brave?source=share

I really don't like this kind of videos, and it's not so much because I'm actively engaged in fandom, but because the creators that make them always make everything sound like it's something stupid that only idiots would be interested in.

A while ago, I used to be subscribed to Sarah Z, but unsubscribed because all her videos about fandom were some kind of mockery of it and of the people who participated in it. Every single video sounded like "Oooh, and look at these basement dwellers! So stupid for having interests I deem to be cringy! Let's all laugh and point at them!"

Like, dude, you make your livelihood by posting videos about other people on the internet. Your "career" is the modern version of a rag mag, and you still need additional writers and the unpaid labor of others (because when it comes to old fandom lore, they source the information they spit back out from write-ups people wrote for fun, not paying them a dime even if they're making thousands of dollars from it). You don't get to act like a hardened intellectual because in your free time you prefer listening to podcasts rather than writing stories featuring copyrighted characters.

Let's get a grip, here.

--

Sarah thinks that because she got over mystrade once she wasn't 14 anymore, the rest of us should stop having fun.

[ask-north-korea]

Farewell

OOC;;

I mean this should have been obvious for a while, but let's make it official:

This blog is closed.

I had a great run in the hetalia fandom: over 10 years, give or take. Not all at once, but more or less consistently, until recent years. Running this blog and RPing Sang Kyu (across multiple platforms) has been a big part of that. He's one of my longest running OCs and is still really important to me, but...

Over time, various things have driven me away from this fandom. Maybe it's just growing up--I'm approaching 30 at this point. I also lived in Korea--one of my life goals--got to experience that for two years. Since returning to the US, my interests and goals have turned to other things. I got married, bought a house, got a new job...and over time I found this fandom sucking up energy I didn't have. I don't keep up with current events as I once did; I simply don't have it in me to continue updating this blog anymore.

I am not Korean, if that wasn't clear, so this blog was always run from the experience of a Westerner, doing their best to do the research and portray things in a respectful (although admittedly not always 100% accurate) manner while keeping in the relatively lighthearted spirit of the source material. I hope some Korean fans will pick up the reins and fill in the gaps where I couldn't. Even having lived in Korea for a time, I can't pretend I know everything or have the experiences of people who grew up in the culture.

That being said, please DO feel free to use Sang Kyu for fanfics, fanart! Whatever! (But please don't RP him or claim him as yours...) All I ask is that you credit him to me, @circlique (or @ask-north-korea), and use him in respectful, non-hateful ways. I would love to see any fanart or fanfic that you tag me in. If you have questions about him, I would ask that you direct them to @circlique, since I plan on completely turning off the ask box to this blog after this post.

For the people who supported me over the years, or participated in my refugee fundraisers, thank you. I will always remember my time playing Sang Kyu fondly, and I hope he can continue to be an ambassador and educate even as I am not actively taking that role anymore.

[ranbling]

i want to be clear i am NOT a tommy stan and i want that man to choke

but i fear they may be right about the eddie being gerrard’s favorite thing especially after the mustache… like i really could see tim being stupid and petty enough to make eddie’s “mental health spiral” be him being super buddy buddy with gerrard and giving him his own like “lawsuit era” where everyone shuts him out… like it’d be so out of character but tim showed us in 7b that he doesn’t really care about writing eddie in character anymore so

i really hope it’s just a mustache and that it’s just an awful wardrobe choice but i can’t help but fear that it’s not gonna be a good thing like so many people are convincing themselves that it is… like i’m afraid people are just going to be set up for disappointment by comparing him to freddie mercury when the way the writers room treats eddie it’s very plausible that he WILL be the new sal… which i don’t want at all and i think it would be stupid of them to do that and honestly might result in me quitting the show but i could see them using it as some sort of “he was in a dark place” storyline and having him apologize later and then act like it never happened even though the bucktommy cultists are going to take that victory

So, I'm not 100% convinced the mustache is a reference to Freddie Mercury or even a sign that he's gay (but it would be hilarious if they spoiled a major storyline by this)

However, no matter how weird choices Eddie made in s7, I don't think he'd ever be buddy buddy with Gerrard. 1. They showed us in s2 how Eddie reacted to racists (the guy who refused care from Chim and Hen) 2. He punched out a guy for being ableist towards Chris, I don't think he'll tolerate Gerrard being racist towards his friends (and him, but I feel like he'd keep his mouth shut if only he was targeted) 3. Gerrard was always shown more racist than homophobic. If anything he'll probably tone down his homophobia and think Buck will stand behind him to protect himself (but like Buck won't do that, but Gerrard is only familiar with the ones like Tommy - actively participating in the bigoted behaviour- and Sal)

Also, Eddie being like Sal wouldn't be the worst. There is a slight confusion in the fandom, Sal wasn't that bad (but the bar is in hell so....). Sal wasn't even in Chimney Begins and made no comments towards Hen in Hen Begins. He was a passive figure in all, and def benefited from Gerrard's old boys club, but we never saw him actively participating. He only clashed with Bobby 'cause he thought someone from the Midwest in not equiped to run an LA firehouse and wanted to take charge so nobody will get hurt. So if Eddie really became like Sal, it would mean he's not doing anything against Gerrard, but not joining him either

And if the show has ANY sensitivity writers they will call out a storyline like that

I don't see any possibility of this happening, but if they really do this I might quit too

[drowninginships]

WIP Wednesday

Hiiii, I have never posted one of these before, but I'm ready to start participating a little more actively with this fandom. Here's hoping you like it.

Baz noticed it immediately. Simon wasn't even sure why he'd thought he wouldn't; Baz notices everything about him. He's pretty sure Baz has an internal map of every mole on his face. His attention to detail is unparalleled, so of course his eyes instantly zeroed in on the new addition to Simon's appearance. Simon shifted from foot to foot, anxiety creeping up his lungs. He hadn't stopped to consider what would happen if Baz hated it. Merlin, Penny's always telling him he just needs to slow down more and think, but this was an impulse he'd had to chase immediately, or else he wouldn't have done it. And he's glad he did, because he likes how it looks. But what if Baz doesn't? Would he not find Simon attractive anymore? Would he still want to be Simon's boyfriend? "Simon? What's this?" Baz asks, interrupting Simon's downward spiral. Despite his nerves, Simon cocks a grin. "Surely you're smart enough to know the answer to that, Baz." "You got your nose pierced," he says evenly. He's not giving anything away, and Simon's anxiety spikes again. "Yeah," he says, kicking the carpet in front of him. He looks down to avoid the careful neutrality of Baz's face. "Guess I did."

My tag list is currently only @valeffelees so tag, you're it <3

[enbyfallenfromthedeadstars]

[ CW mention of a sect, murders, torture and nazism context : talking about the valorisation of Death Eaters (especially Evan and Barty) in the Marauders fandom ]

⟡ ⟡ ⟡

I love marauders fandom, ok ? I really do. It's amazing how much people were able to create, construct with four lines and a name. It's a fan work, it's an alternative universe, it's another universe. It's everything we ever wanted. I love marauders fandom, but there's a thing I can't stand : valorisation, glamourisation, normalisation of convicted murderers.

Don't get me wrong, I like Rosekiller (yes, it's about them here). They're such complex characters, with an interesting relationship. Their love is based on destruction, they only existed by burning the other as well as themselves. They are characters aimed to die, attracted by it and builded this end together. They are complex, they have depth. And that what makes them likeable.

But they are not good persons. Make them how you want in early school era, I don't care. It wasn't written in canon, it's our decision. But don't normalise what they did, what they were. They joined a faschist and extremist sect, and honestly the why they did that doesn't matter anymore : they actively participated. Because they liked it, because it's what they wanted. Because it was them. "But his dad forced him" doesn't excuse the following actions. They don't have any redemption arc, like Regulus (even if his was questionnable). They torturded, they killed until their last breath, and liked it. Make them in love, make them obsessed about insects and bones, make them anxious, make them jealous, make them funny, make them human with a lot of personnality traits but you can't make them 'babygirl'. You can't excuse their behavior. You can't do like they are heroes, like they are good, like they're not literal war criminals. Like they're understandable. Like they deserve to be free and to live their life without consequences. Like what they did is 'hot' or 'normal'.

Glamourisation of murderers, of faschists, of terrorists is NEVER okay. No matter how much the character is well writen, with a complex backstory. They are good characters, i agree, but they are not good persons. Maybe they weren't like this at first, that's up to you and your headcanons. But they became. They became dangerous, tracking their former friends, tracking mudbloods like fucking animals. They fought against freedom, against a whole part of the wizard population. They're not better than nazis. And you can't valorise nazism.

I don't tell you to not like them. You can love a character AND condemn them at the same time. I'm just so angry at people acting like they are fucking children who never did one thing wrong in their life, who amputate one primordial side of their development by trivialising it. Or, in the opposite, having so much fun writing about them commiting murders and talking about it in front of the others and that nobody bats an eye. Because it's normal that they bury corpses in the Forbidden Forest I guess. Because it's something that is not worth mentioning and "it's okay, that's a part of their personality and sexyness". Say it, say how bad of people they were, say how much what they did is horrible. Say they were not heroes. Say they were feared and hated by most of students. Say they were not 'iconic'. Not trying to convince you to change them, they are what they are and contribute to the story like this, only to change HOW you write, read, perceive them. They're vilains, and still can be liked without being set up as life models. Because no matter the backstory of the character, no matter if they're sexy and hot, no matter if they're gay freaks in love who could die for eachother, no matter how much you have affection for them, you can't qualify yourself of a good person while glamorising serial killers, actual or fictional, and normalising their actions by nobody reacting to it like they should to.

Liking a character is liking the writing, the backstory, the link with the others, the narratives arcs. It's thinking they are interesting, well integrated in the universe, with a significant (or not) role in it. It's not finding their crimes 'hot' and trivialising it. You can think they are fucking bastards who deserve life sentence, you can wish them dead and recognise the unspeakable horrors of their crimes while viewing them as your favorite character. You can being conscious of who they are and being disgusted by it but still liking them. You can hating them as persons while loving them as fiction. No need to make them a sexual icon or forgive everything they did : acknowledge all of their aspects in their globality, the importance of all their narrative arcs is what really does them justice.

Please, do the distinction between the character's development and the character's morality.

[thefirstknife]

Seeing some of the latest whining over on Twitter, I think I've realized part of the problem: the content creators who have made playing D2 their life think it's "too easy" and that "toxic casuals are ruining things" because they refuse to admit they're simply too skilled to find a huge challenge anymore. But instead of rebranding to something else and moving on to learn a new game where they'll face challenge and struggle they continue to insist that the game is bad foe catering to "the lowest common denominator". Some of them also seem kind of entitled? Lime the idea that any no-name players (aka people who aren't Big Names in the fandom) could possibly do amazing snd outplay them feels like they're being cheated out of what they're "owed" as their Top Player Bragging Rights? But not everybody who puts in the work to get good at the game engages with the fandom, either. It just feels a lot like some of them think "I put in the work to master it, so nobody else should be allowed to match me and also it needs to keep up with me because I made this game my life". Feels very weird and entitled to me. And I say this as a person who has played some games so much that the highest difficulty settings are a breeze! I just accept that I've mastered it and move on when I want challenge.

Oh yeah, the new elitist dickhead whining is live in the community and it's the same thing as always. Agreed with what you wrote! I think streamers just literally want things to only be "difficult" for them and impossible for everyone else so they can feel special. They can deny it all day long, but there is no logical reason to want FEWER people to play an exciting competition and for FEWER people to feel like they can complete it. Because if people feel like they can't, they won't bother. Why would I waste my time? I'm not getting paid to play the game.

Day 1 raid race is a community contest, meant for the community, aka all players. It's not "special contest for top players only," it's a contest for everyone. It's supposed to be something everyone tries out and does their best, as well as something that is reasonably achievable for more than a grand total of 12 players.

Over the years, Bungie has been hard at work turning raids into an activity that more people will want to play and finish. Including adjusting the way day 1 race is happening and when. They WANT more people to participate which is evident through lowering the amount of grind needed to be ready and moving the race to the weekend, and now extending it to 48 hours. This helps everyone; the community and the devs.

More below:

The moment the day 1 raid race is accessible, that means more people will attempt it and more people will realise that they ARE good enough to raid and complete the contest mode. When the raid race is locked to a power level grind that nobody outside of people playing the video game for a living can achieve, that drastically reduces the number of people who will enter the race. When the raid race is releasing in the middle of the week, nobody outside of streamers will be able to compete. Now, day 1 raid race is no longer limiting in ways that we, the players, can't control.

This means more people can attempt it and at that point, we're dealing with pure numbers. More people attempting means that more people will finish. So when streamers are whining about "numbers," they're whining about the simple hard cold unchangeable logic of math. More people than ever are playing, more people than ever are attempting, more people than ever were able to watch the whole race and figure that they have a chance, and then they had plenty of time to try. This resulted in more completions than ever. Very little to do with the raid being "easy." It wasn't. It was accessible.

There are probably incredibly good players out there who couldn't participate before because they didn't have time or weren't available off work or couldn't ruin their mental and physical health over a 24 hour video game contest. There are probably perfectly average players who can still complete the raid race if they have more time to practice.

And this bothers content creators, because it's telling them that they're not special. Some Joe Shmoe with a 6 year old PC and $5 headset might be incredibly good at Destiny, possibly even better than them, but he didn't have time to compete before. Now he does, because Bungie removed the limit that a player can't control and the content creators are fucking mad as hell because Joe Shmoe, 47, a dad of 3, can finish the contest mode.

They keep insisting this is not the reason they are mad; they're mad because.... uh.... Contest mode is supposed to be SUPER HARD and it's an EXCLUSIVE EVENT that happens TWICE A YEAR!!!! And like. Yeah? Joe Shmoe has the same feeling about it. Joe Shmoe also gets two days a year to participate in a community event. Again, content creators are slowly learning that they're not special and it's a hard hitting truth. Also if more people are playing the raid race, then they're not watching them. That's gotta hurt as well. It's at least 5 fewer subs.

I am so fucking done with their bullshit and their repeated attempts to demean everyone's accomplishments by yelling about the raid being easy and bad and whatever. They are sad people with a void in their hearts.

The raid was absolutely hard. More people than EVER attempted it and MANY haven't been able to complete it. The raid wasn't "easy" in the sense they mean it (they mean easy = bad), it was different. It required different skills and it had a different goal and a different fantasy to invoke in players. Every single one of those bitches used every known cheese and meta tactic to brute force every damage phase and every mechanic, to the point of many of them not figuring out an entire mechanic in the final encounter. They straight up did not understand a mechanic and then dare to say that it was easy. But yeah. They were grasping at every broken build possible and then whining about it being easy. Well I did it with 30 resilience. I am better.

They are absolutely entitled. They feel like they are owed everything in this game because they've been here since 2014 and that if the game is not catering to them, then it's objectively bad. Literally, as you said, they've mastered the game and they're bored of it. But hey, there's money in clickbait about negative stuff so they will keep being miserable playing something they obviously don't like anymore.

I'm so done with those assholes. The raid was an absolute BLAST for me. It was super fun, it was really difficult and it took a long time to get it done, but my team did it, even through a horrible bug that cheated us out of a clear 10 hours early. The raid is SUPER fun, it's an excellent new addition to the raid roster, super helpful for newer players and newer raiders. The mechanics are really smooth and simple, they don't require a lot of callouts, but still rely a LOT on coordination of the whole team. Incredible work threading the line between an incredibly fun raid that is also accessible to everybody. I'll be doing it a lot, it's a really chill experience that still gets your adrenaline going. Bungie did an amazing work with it and I absolutely love it.

I cannot FATHOM a mindset that people have where they want people to NOT be able to experience raids. The most bizarre thing in the world to me. Raids are PEAK content in the game that devs spend a lot of time making and that is currently not being played as much as they want, which is actually a problem resource wise. Since they take so much resources to create, but aren't being used, it's a shame.

This raid was absolutely made with that in mind. They want more people to play to raids. This raid is "easy" in the sense that it is accessible. And there's nothing those assholes hate more than accessibility, I guess. God forbid people who paid for the expansion get to play the expansion. That includes the day 1 contest mode race absolutely. It's for the whole community, not for 50 people with a twitch.tv account.

Every content creator whining about this is a bitch who does not care about the health of the game or the community. They want a game made for them, and only them. They think they own it and that it's good when only 3% of the players play raids. They want every regular player to suffer and leave, to not have fun and to not experience these amazing activities.

They want the game to die.

[yallemagne]

This year, I'm not doing Dr*cula D*ily

Or any other substack but DD is the biggest. I have numerous reasons for this decision that none of y'all are gonna particularly care for, but ya know, just so we got our expectations in order: I'm not gonna participate in DD this year (maybe never again), I'm probably not gonna reblog many posts related to it (doing so would be counterintuitive), but I am holding myself to finishing Orice (at LEAST the base fic).

Now, why?

TL;DR: Mental health crisis brought on by internet harassment and overprioritizing social media. It's not fun anymore, folks.

DD just... it completely ruined the novel for me.

It was a nice phenomenon, but it took a wrecking ball to my mental health and self-worth. Now, I'm not saying DD's creator personally did something to spite me (or maybe I am, he knows what he did /j), but this whole thing? It wasn't good for me. It was never good. It was sometimes fun, but most of the time it made me want to end it because of thumblr notes.

That's fucking stupid. My life is not worth internet validation. My art is not worthless just because my numbers are not as big as the biggest big shots in the fandom. I'm not a horrible person when other people handle personal disagreements regarding headcanon with defaming rumours and impersonation. But hell! My view of reality was horribly skewed.

A while back, I unfollowed all the gothlit tags I previously followed because 1) Some people (active and popular members of the fandom, mind you, not bots or trolls) were posting honest-to-god name-dropping harassment in the tag because "it's a popular tag so more people will see my callout post" and 2) I reached a point where seeing anything related to the novel on my dash just set me off. It didn't even need to be drama-related anymore. Mentions of the characters, mentions of popular AUs, just the very content of this book became triggering to me, and I really didn't miss the content when it was gone, as sad as that is.

And the kicker? I've come to realize that I probably dislike more things about the novel than I actually like about it. Not only is it tied to some of my darkest moments in recent memory, but it's also just... a book with many flaws that I could go on and on and on about. Sometimes, it straight-up made me furious, like seething mad, and I think I'd rather just be happy. But even when I would try to channel that energy into being happy, I always felt I had to over-clarify or else I’d get bombarded with anonymous messages. If you’ve seen any of my posts from during that time… chances are there is a passive aggressive “btw people can have opposing opinions from you about an old book and it doesn’t give you leave to stone them” or several tags of “#this is a joke #a jooooooke #for the love of god #if y’all don’t stop”. I bet it was as annoying for y’all as it was for me.

P.S. Mutuals/friends, do not worry. Y'all keep doing y'all. I can and will block tags if seeing your posts triggers me. So, I suppose my only request is to properly tag, but I've been saying that from the very start.

I just want to move on to other things.

I took a break for Lent. I needed it terribly. And... not gonna lie? I almost didn't want to return. I never got an itching to just log on and "check in". I very successfully avoided tumb altogether. I came back because "I gotta come back eventually" and also like, this is my main hub where I update when I've written a fic, and ya know... I'm not gonna let toxic fandom bs rule my shit.

During my break, I got back into gaming. More specifically, I started playing Hades again. And listening to Epic the Musical. Aaaand boyyy did that bring me back to my Greek mythology phase. I have a Greek mythos/Hades sideblog btw: @areopagusimp. It's cringe, if you can't tell by the blog name.

Back when I was into Hades game and general Greek mythos, my expectations were so much smaller, but yet, my goals and will to create seemed so much bigger. I made art that no one gave a single solitary shit about (except for my friend), but I was happy. Maybe I'm wearing rose-tinted glasses, but... even if I wasn't as happy then as I remember being... haha at least I wasn't receiving threats and insults in my inbox back then :))). That was the most fun thing about the gothlit fandom. I hope every single chickenhearted angry anon is proud of their behaviour.

But yeah, whatever I end up doing, I’m striving to not let it run me into the ground.

But... What do I do now?

I have so many WIPs (art and writing) for the novel, and it's very disappointing that I didn't get to finish them before it all turned sour. Hopefully, I can still finish them, it just won't be with the same distress I worked with before. Hopefully, I can post that stuff and fully manage my expectations, not crash and burn when only a few people like it. Because hell! A few people liking my stuff? That's amazing, really. I shouldn't take that for granted. At the same time, I'm setting a boundary for myself. Placing my self-worth into the hands of people who I don't know, who don't know me, and who aren't even paying for the art? I need to stop that. Who the hell is that gonna serve? Absolutely no one.

My number one goal is to finish Orice. It is somehow untouched by my aversion to the novel; it is my safe space. I want to honour it and honour the longtime readers who have stuck with me. It's gonna be hard, but it's gonna be worth it for me.

This feels attention-seeking, and it kinda is. I'm not tagging the main subject and I'm not allowing reblogs because I want this to stay isolated (and hopefully prevent backlash/misunderstandings), but ya know, no matter how much I try to keep this small, I'm still posting it online. But I just feel like I needed to get this off my chest. I don't really owe everyone an explanation, but I want there to be one for my own sake... also it's much easier to generalize and make a post than contact each of my friends/mutuals on here and unload stuff onto them that I'm not sure is too personal or not.

For those of you who are reading: I love y'all. I love the good people I've met through all this mess. I want to keep the good apples, not throw out the whole harvest, alright? Dunno how much you'll care for my art when the subject is different, but... eh. If y'all are willing to try?

[queensparklekitten]

I found your web weave about last online 7 years ago and scp 1762 (And I Love It), and I noticed it said you can’t reblog unless you were from the SGE site. What is that exactly?

*looks up from my drink, in the corner of the bar*

So. You wanna know about the SGE site, huh? Well.

Once upon a time, there was an online community.

Fandom forum, though the Open Chat one (equivalent of a #general channel in a discord server) was by far the most used. You got a book you read when you were 12 that changed your life? SGE's the acronym for what was that book for me. You might've seen the movie adaptation on Netflix a couple years back. I really waited seven years for that... I'm getting off topic. Back to the website.

The userbase was in the 8-17 age range, 90% girls, many of us the kind of people who devoured books like it was nothing in our then-ongoing preteen years. The few moderators never even looked at us unless we reported a glitch, spammer, or bigot for them to deal with, so we had no adult supervision.

Open Chat was used for, among other things, the most chaotic unhinged roleplay you can imagine. We got really into it. Wild parties that lasted days, food fights that quickly escalated into the hunger games, everything to do with those living shadows, Bob the alien, the Potato Kingdom, many of us had pets or imaginary friends doing this alongside us, I'm barely scratching the surface here, if I were to try to explain it all we'd be here for weeks. Quoting the Bee Movie script or singing certain songs had a tendency to cause all hell to break loose paranormally, one time it opened a portal to the underworld. It was the most fun ever. There was a reason we'd greet newcomers with "try not to die".

Aside from the chaos, there was contests where we'd reply with images of dresses or cute animals or what else have you, lots of clubs based around various things, people would sing (post song lyrics, sometimes roleplaying whole flashy performances) and post fun questions for everyone to answer and stories and neat videos we found and really good poetry and so, so much more that we didn't archive because we just assumed it would always be there.

It's where I met a lot of my closest friends- hell, it was the only place where I regularly got invited to participate in anything. I don't think there's anyone on that site who didn't forge friendships there. It's also how I got into quite a lot of songs and books and shows, and how I learned HTML formatting. That site was my home. It was the best part of my life for years.

You know how online friends are, though. Sometimes they disappear without a trace, a warning, or an explanation. Or their parents forbid them from going on the site because they think online chat rooms are dangerous.

I joined at 12. By the time I was nearing age 15, most of my friends had disappeared without a trace, never to return. I was one of the very few users to join in 2016 who was still active. The site wasn't abandoned, there were new people everywhere, but...

I don't pretend to understand the why of it, but the magic just. Started fading, I suppose. The community was falling apart. The roleplay got more stale and repetitive and often died down before it went anywhere. It all slowly declined and decayed and became a shell of itself. A hollow mimicry of what we once had. It wasn't really fun anymore, and I found myself wondering what was left to stay for. Just got worse in this regards, up until the website's final days, even after the rest of the userbase started becoming aware of it.

Eventually one day, the Open Chat started glitching hard. It had done that before, many times, and always been fixed. That time, though, it went down for repairs and never came back up. They said they'd bring it back, and they never did. Here's the thing, though- our posts all disappeared. When other forums on that website got closed around then, we could still see the posts by going through our post histories, we just couldn't reply to them. Open Chat and every last record of what we did there just vanished entirely, like it never existed.

It never even got crawled by the Wayback Machine.

...Now that I mention it, tomorrow's actually the anniversary of when Open Chat went down... how the FUCK was that five years ago it does NOT feel like it's been anywhere near that long.

Anyways.

During this time, the very few (like, there was maybe 2 at most) moderators had begun responding to drama by banning offsite links, followed by, several months after we lost our Open Chat, banning off-topic (non-SGE-related) discussions entirely, which sparked riots and a petition and they knew what it meant to the userbase, even to newer people who'd only known the comparatively lifeless version, we told the admins as hard as we could, and they did nothing. Well, other users told them anyways. I knew the site was beyond saving and thus didn't do anything but listen to music and make "let me guess, your home?" memes.

We also lost the ability to make posts in our profiles that weren't in any forums but could be seen if you went through the user's post history.

The official end was the "revamp" of the website, that was just a shutdown. They deleted everything that was left of it and all the records of what we were, and made a completely new website that the old one's url now redirects to. Though at least this time they had the courtesy to announce it a month and a half in advance so we could load as much as we could of what remained into archive.org during those weeks. There's no forum feature on the new site, and user data wasn't transferred. I never made an account on the new site. Why would I?

You can probably guess by reading those lyrics and asofterworld screencaps that I, and at least some other users I'm still in contact with, never really got over the death of that community.

That last image in my webweave is a screenshot of the page that now comes up whenever you type in the url for a forum or an old site member's profile and hit enter.

[pftones3482]

I don't participate in the Arrowverse fandom much anymore (for good reason), but I didn't realize how many people HATED Sarah in Superman and Lois until recently and I am just absolutely baffled by it.

"She's disrespectful to her parents." She's a literal??? Teenager???? And not just that, she's a teenager whose mother is the mayor (more pressure on her as her daughter to behave properly) and whose parents are actively undergoing a divorce (a divorce where Sarah found out her father was c h e a t i n g). Anyone who has worked with kids and knows anything about child psychology can tell you that divorce can cause literal trauma in the children of the parents. Now imagine your parents are divorcing because one of them cheated, and you're caught in the middle of it, and you found out about it during your fucking quinceañera.

Also, her (ex) boyfriend's dad is SUPERMAN. That's gotta put a WORLD of anxiety on her shoulders that wasn't there before. Imagine you find out that someone you're incredibly close to has superpowers, and his dad has superpowers, and now you're very well aware that THEY'RE the ones being put in danger all the time.

Shove all that on top of the hell on earth that's been going on in her hometown the last three seasons and uh...yeah. I'd be a little fucking sassy and snippy with my parents too.

I find it interesting that these people whining about Sarah never once bitched about Jonathon or Jordan being disrespectful to their parents (and in fact, I saw MANY posts about people bitching about Lois being too hard on them. Hmmmmm I wonder why that is).

If you're threatening to slap a fictional teenage girl (and yes, I saw posts about people literally fantasizing about hitting her) for being a little sassy, maybe you should stop watching TV all together.

[paperstorm]

i never send you asks on whatever you're discussing. this is so new but hi bestie

I joined the fandom late march-ish. started drawing for lone star/the og. for a while, I absolutely felt the cliquey-ness, but that was because I wasn't making the effort to really reach out.

flare and I would call a couple of you guys the "cool kids table" and get giddy whenever we were able to interact with you. very funny thinking abt it now because I can call just about everyone we coined as part of That Table a really good friend now. because I started making the effort of joining tag games and interacting. y'all didn't know I existed because, technically, y'all had no reason to. I wasn't in your radar until I put myself there

I'd never say I'm famous in any way in this fandom - my art may be recognizable, I guess. but there isn't a cool kids table anymore, it's just a nice fandom full of talented creators who are all SO fucking lovely<3 I love seeing new people joining and seeing the new art and fics!!! every time I notice someone wanting to join in on games, I mentally add them to my tag list for whenever I participate. idk I love this fandom it's the best thing that's happened to me this year. i love our silly gay weewoo show

anyways ily andie mwah

-birdclowns<3

You know what's interesting tho is that I literally feel like there's a cool kids' table that I don't have a seat at either! Perception is such a weird thing, the way we view others often doesn't match up with the way they view themselves. I'm not really in any group, I have pals who I chat with but I still feel like an outsider sometimes and there are still people who intimidate me and/or who I get excited when I see them in my activity feed because it means they still like me. I bet most people probably feel like that, even the ones others have deemed to be the cool kids. And yes absolutely, I don't wanna say to someone who feels like they don't fit in that they're imagining it because those feelings are real. And social anxiety is real too and it's so hard to be the one starting the conversation sometimes :/ But that is the solution unfortunately. I'm so happy you put yourself in my orbit!!

[maryellencarter]

so i'm in a really weird position here. i'm not sure i'm capable of participating in transformative fandom anymore. i'm that burned out on ahipping.

i've been in the lupin iii fandom for the past couple years, as y'all know. at first it was a lot of fun. but there was a ton of really aggressive biphobia, a ton of the "anybody who writes or draws Icky Stuff is a sex criminal irl and must be loudly shunned by all right-thinking people", it got into "if you point out that no one on this show is canonically queer you are a pedophile and must be dogpiled on every social media platform we can find you on"... it's a really, really toxic place.

about a year ago, a streaming miniseries called "lupin zero" aired. it's very well done, very nuanced and subtle. this fandom couldn't find nuance or subtlety if it tried with both hands. lupin zero tells the story of lupin and jigen's friendship, if they met in school as teenagers. it's the only story i've ever seen that manages to show a primary friendship, a friendship with the narrative importance and the story beats you only ever see given to romance. it was -- it *would* have been, could have, should have been, incredibly important to me. i thought i had some representation.

instead, the entire fandom went nuts. they announced that lupin/jigen was canonically romantic (which is a complete misunderstanding of the show and the themes: it's cram-packed with cagliostro references, and jigen is set up as a clarisse figure at every turn, including the direct reference to lupin stealing their hearts). they congratulated everyone within earshot on "not being lied to anymore". they announced that "every queer" was happy to have the relationship "confirmed romantic". they announced that anyone who wasn't overjoyed was a homophobe. and on and on.

i've had to block the lupin zero tag entirely, because every piece of art or screenshot includes a caption like "that moment when you realize you're in love", "this means family as in married NOT as in brothers!", nobody can so much as mention it without aggressively pushing the "it's canon romantic" down everybody's throats. the arophobia is incredibly vocal and continuous.

Only two other people who were watching the show said so much as "it can be read either way", when I was crying out against the fandom-wide celebration that there's no place for me here. One of them is dead. I haven't been able to start writing on a new idea in the Lupin fandom since we lost her.

All I wanted was a little corner. A space where I could fiddle around with my own interpretations, maybe bounce some ideas off people. Be allowed to exist in peace. I wanted to celebrate a friendship that wasn't second best -- that mattered, in the way only romance is normally allowed to matter in this world.

I've spent the last year trying to find that space. It doesn't exist, *can't* exist. Romance is like kudzu here. You always have to be actively fighting it, and you'll never win.

I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. There's no joy left in this fandom for me. And I don't know -- I think about trying to pick up another fandom, about characters I like or stories I might tell, and I just can't. I can't bring myself to write a shippy story, not when it means aligning myself with more people who will probably also call me homophobic and anti-queer for not loving the exact same way they do. But that's what Leia and I write best, it's what we enjoy writing. And I don't want to take up the same exact fight for a tiny isolated box where it's safe to whisper that nonromantic, nonfamilial love might exist or even (shock horror) be love.

[lizzylucky]

Well over a year ago, I made and pinned a post explaining that I was essentially going through a mental rut and that's why I wasn't interacting with people much anymore. To put it simply.

My upper estimate for that "rut" was 2 months. Turns out, I was experiencing the early stages and warning signs for... like, full-on, legitimate burn out, and it hasn't stopped yet. Everything I've read says it can take between a few months and 5 years, which is... scary.

I don't have a lot of followers left, and I haven't interacted in fandoms or with people I admire much at all in a long time. I make efforts here and there, and sometimes I manage to find a blog I really like and I try to interact with it for a little while. It usually pewters out after a couple weeks. All that to say, there's not likely a lotta people who really care what's going on with me- which isn't to say people dislike me or something, just that I'm regarded neutrally because I don't have much of a presence, and I get that.

But for anyone who might care, I'm going through a lot. I haven't gotten my car back in the last year and a half and have given up on it. I had to move out of the apartment I was living from, 6 hours away from my best friend, and back in with my family. College has become an incomplete, distant past. I can't work, I can't take care of myself or my things, I barely do enough to keep my pets alive and relatively healthy... And I literally do not possess the ability to enjoy things or experience passion the way I used to or the way I should. I don't really have hobbies anymore, no goals or aspirations- and I often feel like I've been stripped of my personality.

I spend the majority of my time idly trying to entertain my overactive brain with content that goes in and out without leaving much of a lasting impression, trying to pass time between when I'm not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom. Bottom line, total honesty- life sucks. And sometimes I don't want to be experiencing it anymore.

I figured, because September is suicide awareness and prevention month, maybe it was time I update the last pinned post to something a little more current.

I'm not planning on going anywhere, speaking on that grander scale. But I've lost a lot of my vigor for life, and I have no idea how long before I feel up to more actively participating in the things that should be bringing me joy again, or even if I will. I'll still be here, occasionally finding ways to sort of interact, but I have nothing to really offer. So... thanks to anyone that still knows who I am, and don't ever feel guilty if we lose touch or you find yourself losing interest in being in contact. Sometimes that's just how it goes.

I'll hold on to that little hope that things get better one day, in the meantime. Don't none of you give up just yet, either. ❤️

[niuniente]

How do you survive fandom for so long? I used to heavily be in fandoms, making fanart, fanfics, participating in zines, celebrating characters bdays, etc. But now I struggle to stay in a fandom. Maybe I'm just seeing to many bad sides of fandom these days. Like I recently got into SpyxFamily but when looking through fanart, discovered 18+ fanart involving the child Anya, while I know this is the internet and I can't escape seeing things that make me uncomfortable, I just haven't had the urge to try to join the fandom after it. I'm sure there's a wonderful side to it, but I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Idk I always feel like I have to keep up with the fandoms artists, writers and everything or else I'm not a part of it. Sorry if this sounded ranty, I've just been following for years and envy your ability to hop right back into a fandom you haven't touched in a while or into ones that are new.

Big fandoms are always difficult to be in. The more people, the more problems there are, and you'll encounter things you wish not to see. You have to then weight things; can I handle encountering something I don't want to see and immediately block the thing and the person posting these things I don't wish to see (and report it, if needed) or will they throw me out of the loop so much that it is better not to wander into there? You need to curate your own internet experience (as we all need to) but it is challenging when things aren't tagged. Then, you have to weight the pros and cons and decide what to do.

I'm not part of any big fandoms and I grew up in the so-called dark ages of the internet, when nothing was tagged, warned etc. so when you go to see or read things, it can be anything. Then you just go "Nope" and click away. Fandoms were smaller back then as internet wasn't a common thing in your pocket available 24/7 so chances of running into something you do not want to encounter all of the sudden have grown since those days.

How I handle ALL fandom things is that I mainly mind my own business and don't wander too far. A good rule of thumb is to find a small group of nice people (or just a few of them) and hang around with them. Follow just certain artists. Follow just certain fanfic authors. Hang only in certain Discords. Mute and block posts and people freely - you don't have to justify this to anyone. Black list in Tumblr words you don't wish to see (New Xkit is excellent for computers, mobile should have its own blocking system but I don't use phone to scroll anything unless necessary).

You can't control a fandom or other fans (not even the twisted ones) but you can try your best to control yourself - and if it means not wandering into certain fandoms & tags or not wanting to take a risk of seeing something you don't want to see (as it will be pretty inevitable in big fandoms no matter what safety measurements you take), then it is the best not to go there. As sad as it might be.

Also, the second worry; if you like a thing, congratulations, you are part of the fandom :3 It really is as simply as that. Fandoms aren't some social activity you have to perform to earn your fan badge. You like the things = you are a fan.

[cherriko-art]

I just want to thank the Tumblr community from the bottom of my heart for helping me find joy in drawing again. For helping me find art a little less scary with every comment I get. And to remind people, once again, how much of an impact positive engagement has for creators, no matter how small or big.

Long, midnight ramble on my struggles with art below.

Late night thoughts, but lately my motivation for drawing has been rekindled as a way to release the brain rot on the fandoms and games I've loved recently. I lost my love for art for a really, really long time and for someone who's been drawing since I could pick up a pencil, and has identified as an artist my entire life, literally witnessing myself lose my love for art and drawing has been a really painful process. Especially since it happened over a relatively short period of time. Over 20 years of loving and creating art, only to be extinguished in just a small period of 2 years. When I came to a sudden realization that I hated drawing, I mourned over it for a really long time. I missed the joy I got from drawing, the pride in my art, the passion to learn and hone my skills. I used to think I could never imagine a future where I wasn't constantly thinking about the next thing I wanted to draw, but now I am living that future. Art is never on my mind anymore. I try to draw and I become filled with anxiety and dread. There's not a single thought about picking up my pencil and creating. The only things I had drawn in the last 4 years were for zines and it felt like work, not joy. Drawing felt like a job, and it stopped being the center of my universe. I stopped being active on social media, bc I was only on here for art. But even looking at other people's art left a bitter taste, and I didn't want to look at any of it anymore. Several times over the last few years I've tried to rekindle my love for art, tried starting small again. But it always fizzled out quickly, and I'd abandon it again. Sometimes I scroll through my Instagram and it hurts to look at, because I distinctly remember how much joy I got from drawing every single piece, what my thought process was, and how excited I felt in creating. It's been so long since I've felt happiness in drawing.

Lately, I've drawn some things bc my emotions for the brain rots in my head were Too Big and I couldn't think of releasing these big emotions in anything other than what I know. In art. I just drew something, didn't think too hard abt it, and posted them. Like barfing your overwhelming feelings on paper then throwing it away. But the engagement I've gotten on these emotional-dump drawings have been so wonderful, no matter how small or big, and it's made me so happy. Very specifically from Tumblr. Tumblr has reminded me what it's like to actually interact with fandoms again. Instagram/Twitter/etc has become such a competitive platform for content creators, that any sense of (the minimal) community and fandom interactions have been completely wiped out. But Tumblr has stayed true to it's roots through all these years and never have I been more grateful.

For the first time in years, I'm excited to draw again. I actually want to draw. I finished multiple drawings in the last 2 weeks, more than I have in years. Instead of feeling numb and exhausted after drawing like I had been, I'm actually filled with adrenaline and excitement to draw more. I'm excited to participate in fandoms again, engage in communities. This is all because other people's positive engagements on my little drawings have motivated me to draw more.

Drawing has become a very daunting, anxiety-filled, unpleasant experience for me. I lost my love for art years ago. But the positive engagement in my recent art has pushed away some of that anxiety, and it's becoming increasingly easier for me to pick up that pencil again. Drawing is starting to feel fun again. I don't know how long this will last, if it will fizzle out like it has time and time again. I don't know if art will turn back into the Big, Bad Monster again. But for now, I'm just relishing in the feeling of art feeling like freedom again. And I have the Tumblr community to thank for that.

So for everyone on here, thank you.

[piastrinorris]

get to know me!

anna @keerysquinn filled this in and i was thinking about my own answers and realised they go on for ages so i figured if y'all ever wanted a super lore drop about me. here it is!

since my answers are so long, i'm not going to tag anyone, but if you also get inspired to answer, i'm more than happy to learn about people so you can tag me in as the reason you want to answer these!

(under the cut bc of how long it gets lol)

Name(real or alias): rj. letter r, letter j. (i have to spell it out especially when i'm in america bc people think i'm saying audrey) it's an abbreviation of my given name, which considering it's common knowledge that i'm afab, it's probably pretty easy to guess? but i don't want anyone calling me anything other than rj, or ridge

ridge comes from the sounds 'ruh' and 'juh' being said real quickly in succession. my friend jamie once sent me an ask on my old blog forever ago that started with 'hey ridge' and i fell in love with it, but something feels weirdly overfamiliar when people call me it who i'm not mutuals with?? anyway, that's why my user tag is userridge, bc it wasn't being used and it is a legit nickname of mine i've had for years

Age: [schmidt from new girl voice] TWENNY-NOINE

Country you live in: england (derogatory). the oldies at the care home i work at (not for much longer!!) always assume that bc i visit my friends in america so often, i'm planning on moving there, but tbh as much as i'd love to not be an ocean away from the people i love most, domestic day-to-day life in america isn't worth the move. i'd rather sensationalise the one or two trips i get to wal-mart every year, lol

Fandoms: the only fandom i actively participate in, in terms of consuming regular fanart, fanfiction, character analysis, gifmaking and shipping, is stranger things. i have a lot of other interests in other media that i love to consume, but i don't necessarily feel any particular urge to take part in most, if any, parts of fandom culture within those interests like i do with stranger things and other projects affiliated with its actors

Why are you on tumblr (writer or reader or both): i've gone from being strictly a stranger things reader insert writer, to an all-characters-played-by-the-joes reader insert writer, to a sometimes reader insert writer but not for stranger things, sometimes pairing writer but only for stranger things rarepairs, and also now gifmaker!

Favorite thing about yourself: i can take care of people, and i'm good at it. i can make people feel better, and i can stand up for them when it's needed

Something you think you are known for: being the co-captain of cheerscoops, and The Ralph Mutual (which is a kind way of saying the mutual mentally unwell enough to write a six-figure word count about a character with six minutes of screentime)

Who are you in a friend group(partier, mom, talkative, etc): lol what's a friend group? i kid, i kid. i don't really have any irl friend "groups" anymore, but even back when i did, i was more of a gap filler. like, i wasn't one of the first people invited to things, but then later on if someone dropped out or if the group realised more people could come, then i'd be offered

in online groups, i like to think i'm someone who makes people laugh? i'm definitely the indecisive one who needs to crowdsource every choice put in front of me, but that's what you get when you befriend a nonbinary bisexual lol. i also like to bounce ideas back and forth with people, though admittedly despite how often i do it, i do also hold myself back from it a lot bc i don't want people to think i'm taking their idea and running with it

Who do you love the most: keep this clip in mind as you read the next part of this sentence: ask me that again and look at my url. i haven't felt such a (distantly) parasocial connection towards (not with, there's a difference) any celebrity in a long time that i do with the joes. like, i don't want to know anything about their personal lives in the slightest, but i'm always excited to see what they're doing next, in a way i'm not necessarily about anybody else

What brought you to tumblr in the first place: this blog started out because @denim-mixtapes and i, who met through our former blogs dedicated to A Fandom We Don't Talk About Any More, were yelling about eddie munson via snapchat, discord, instagram, our public twitter accounts and our private ones, tiktok, maybe more? and then @fanatictypist, also a friend from AFWDTAAM and deep in the brainrot but never having taken the break from tumblr that mandy and i did, suggested taking our ideas to tumblr bc this was july 2022 when hype was INSANELY real

before that, i made a blog specifically for AFWDTAAM because a) i missed the fandom blog i'd had before that which i had previously deactivated, and b) i realised there was reader insert fanfiction for said fandom, but not enough featuring the person that i liked the most, so i started writing. i'd never written x reader before then.

before that, as i said, i had a fandom blog. it was the one i used to join rp groups on tumblr, which was fun until it wasn't. and i realised that i was going through a cycle of finding a new group, enjoying their company, having major drama ensue, and eventually instead of just moving to another rp group to see the same thing happen over n over again, i just deactivated entirely. i miss rp-ing, but also i wouldn't go back to it at the age of 29

Is there something you regret doing: i have a lot of things that i have learned from, and i regret the fact that actions i've made have hurt people, always inadvertently, but still. i wish that the things that helped me to grow weren't at the expense of other people feeling bad about something in regard to me, but i don't think that constitutes regret.

being autistic, a lot of the time, people seem to just drop me out of seemingly nowhere. and my irl bestie does tell me that a lot of the people i end up befriending, are people she gets a bad vibe from or doesn't really trust, and they're always the ones who don't stick around. but i do feel as though i must be accountable, too, and i know and understand that nobody owes me an explanation if i have done something that warrants them no longer wanting me in their life, but also, how do i know what i need to do to salvage important relationships to me if they don't think it important enough to tell me? that's why i'm a big advocate that your friends should not be your 100% hype men. if they are, i don't trust them. i need people to call me out on my shit and tell me if i'm doing something wrong, or going too far. and i need to feel like i can do the same with them, without them getting offended. it's for both of our benefits

Top five songs: ugh okay each of these has a v significant meaning so here goes

fool - djo: as previously mentioned, am autistic. i got myself diagnosed at 20, and everything suddenly made sense. my mum refused to accept it, told me that everybody's a little on the spectrum, that i only think i am bc i've looked it up and aligned myself with the traits. i learned at 28 that actually, i've had a diagnosis since i was 4. mum just never ever did anything to help me. not when i was going through school wanting to **** ****** bc i knew i was the "weird kid" but i didn't know what made me so weird that everyone ganged up on me so i didn't know how to fix it. turns out i couldn't. i could have gotten more support, but i didn't. and even now that they know i know about the og diagnosis, my parents refuse to acknowledge it. for years, they would scold and bully me away from behaviours that were actually just me stimming, and merely existing as an autistic kid. so i have to put on a persona for them, i have to be their "fool" to appease them rather than just getting to be my authentic, autistic self like i can be around my friends

consequences - lovejoy: going back to the earlier not-quite-regret-but-definitely-Something feeling of knowing that someday friendships and relationships will almost certainly be doomed. this sing encapsulates that for me a lot

car lights - james marriott: the queer anthem of all time. m+d have always said that they "don't care" who i bring home but whenever they talk about me having a future they talk about a husband, or a potential father of my children (which idek if i want) even though i've had relationships with women. it again feels part of something i have to hide from them

soft - motionless in white: a new contender thanks to kai and acey. i've always been the "wholesome" one, i've never really felt rage specifically, or had an outlet for it, but being a lifelong people pleaser and having something to inspire me to work on giving less of a shit what other people are thinking/saying about me has been a game changer for the ol self-esteem

undertale - toby fox: i can't explain this one. it just makes me cry every time i listen to it. like, weep actual tears. every time.

If you could go anywhere where would you go: i've always wanted to go to japan, but i also don't like going to countries where english is not a first language without having a basic understanding of the mother tongue of that country and japanese is fuckin difficult to learn. i've also always wanted to go to australia, even before anyone in particular came into my life tyvm

What is your hobby: fanfic writing, gif making, video game playing. procrastinating is a hobby at this point, lol. i like to try craft things, but i'm not very good at keeping up with them

Any tv shows you watching: i'm rewatching stranger things bc gifmaking has ruined my perception of the actual timeline of events. i'm actively watching the afterparty s2 and only murders in the building s3. it's not really a tv show, but i watch it on my tv, dimension 20's current campaign, mentopolis, is also something i'm actively keeping up with, on top of all actively releasing dropout content

What movie did you last watch: the last movies i put on were the mamma mia films, as background while i wrote, and ever since i've been slowly cooking a mamma mia stranger things au bc i'm basically incapable of consuming any media without relating it to stranger things at this point. i can relate each of the 3 canon characters to eddie, steve and jonathan, but i can't shake the idea that like. what if argyle was one of the potential dads. it wouldn't be a direct parody bc he's so different from any other character in the mamma mia franchise but i think it would be so fun to include him, too

Last thing you read(book, fanfic, etc): i'm reading rebel robin, atm, bc idk why i never really thought to indulge in the stranger things books before now? i used to read doctor who books so it's not like i'm a stranger to consuming media outside of its original format. i'm also currently reading through @pearlypairings' photocheer fic there is a light that never goes out!

Last text message you got: HAHAHA this one's funny. my sister's getting married next month and she's asking if we've all paid for our parts, I told her I'd paid it and her fiance told me they'd receievd it (he's an accountant so he's dealing with the money side of things) but my sister couldn't spot anything from me even though i told her what her fiance had told me, so my last text from her is "unless he's financially gaslighting me, or he's tucked it away in his fuck-off fund" (which i should establish is a joke bc he is 1000% not like that in the slightest)

Last text message you sent: sending to my sister, above: "or he's gaslighting me into believing i've sent it when it didn't go through, classic Dishonest [fiance name redacted]!" (again, all a joke)

Any pets: none atm :( i still live with my parents who have never wanted any of us to have pets, but now that my older sister has her dog, jasper, my family are obsessed with him. i mean, they have a photo of him in our living room that's bigger than any photo of any of us kids

[nyoggets]

Some thoughts on fandom, burnout, process of creation and never feeling good enough.

(it is now 4am and I've given up on sleep)

So I've avoided ever talking about this on twt because? The platform is such a mess, people use it to liveblog their feelings but it's also got that usual socmed feel to it - only show the good, funny, relatable or glamorous stuff.

I like art, obviously. Love it even, it's been the one constant in a life of switching hobbies and obsessions on the weekly. But it's also been so, SO difficult at times. I draw, so gotta share it on social media, right? The first time I shared my art online was when I was 9, on a ratty, now defunct forum.

I don't recall many responses aside from "I don't think she's ever been to the hair dresser". Instagram was released in 2010, and I made the switch, continued to post my drawings in earnest, participating in art contests that were super popular at the time. Obviously I never won any, I was just learning, starting out. Winning wasn't my goal, my goal was to get a spot in the honourable mentions or likes and attention from the bigger artists hosting these. When that didn't work I tried to game the algorithm before I even know what an algorithm was. I also made some friends this way, most of which had a higher follower count despite our (in my mind) fairly evenly matched skill. I entered more contests, I begged friends for collars, I drew things I dislikes because I saw them being popular. Nothing worked, I became obsessed over numbers, a drawing was only worth something if it got enough likes, which it never did. I tried for a while longer, then didn't pick up a pen for almost 2 years.

Eventually, because I just couldn't leave art behind I started again, focusing on original works and punching myself for losing 2 years of practice time. Things were fine, I stayed away from social media aside from Tumblr but never really posted anymore, stayed quiet. Of course, I still resented those artist friends a bit for their ever growing following, but what right had I? I'd given up and spent 2 years moping.

Eventually I got really into Love Live and with it finally a new ship I could sink my teeth into and draw - ChikaRiko. Inevitably, I wanted to feel part of communities again, I didn't have anyone in real life to share my obsessions with. I was very much the weird quiet kid, and as much as I craved being around people, being deaf with my hearing steadily dying away even further without anyone noticing, talking to people was just Hard, so so very hard. But online, where I could read, didn't need to be able to listen? It was easy, besides, my only friends so far had all been online. What's the harm in dipping my toes back into fandom?

So, I created a twitter account, discord, found people to chat and share my art, pretty much exclusively ChikaRiko, with. And things were fine again! People were reacting to what I posted, engaging, asking questions, providing advice. Then... I opened twitter back up, looked at numbers, compared them, and became angry at myself again. Comparison is the thief of joy indeed. Several years ahead, fire emblem three houses comes out and with it dimilix hits me like a sack of bricks (affectionately). Another new ship! And the fandom was active, I could fit in here, maybe! And I'd like to believe I did, if only because the fandom is just so truly relaxed, given my unfortunate decline of my mental health it was probably the only sort of fandom environment I could exist in. Still, I kept comparing myself, kept being dissatisfied with the direction my art was taking. I had all these symbolic ideas, things I wanted to try, wanted to be more like the artists I looked up. Wanted to do my own stuff, original art, instead of confining myself. But any time I did do so the reception was lukewarm at best, nonexistent at worst, so I stuck to fanart that became increasingly removed from the canon. Which, still super fun and honestly we were all just screaming into the void of time between the two years until three hopes came out, delusional fanon felt very much encouraged. Again, loved and still love the general vibe of the dmlx community (stares lovingly at DTF and For Years). But still, I wasn't satisfied with what I was doing, and my motivation to draw at all regularly died off for months at a time, which really isn't ideal when you're trying to feed the all-devouring behemoth that is the algorithm.

This October I tried something I hadn't done since 2018 - inktober. Back when I did it it was just 31 days of increasingly delusional ChikaRiko (are we seeing a pattern here), this time around I wanted to be "self indulgent" and draw only original art, loosely oriented on two lists of prompts. Of course, I didn't finish, still haven't, but I'm only missing a few prompts now. But!!! I've drawn!!! More in these 3 months than I have in recent years, and my ideas aren't slowing down yet, I keep coming up with new ones on the daily. It just feels so, so Good to find joy in art again. Best of all, I felt no need at all to share this stuff anywhere but the small discord server I've been nodding for years, with friends who at this point weren't really expecting art from me that matched their interests. I was finally drawing for me and me alone, so the response was of no importance to me, and the moment I dropped a finished piece I started the line art of the next one. Of course, I'm slowly unleashing everything into the void that is Tumblr and while any notes delight me, the number really doesn't concern me much anymore.

Not that all my fanart didn't spark joy to me! I just have too many things I wanna get out of my head that aren't very fanart compatible at all.

Fandom is weird and wonderful and I don't really remember a time in my life where I wasn't in any fandom at all, but frankly, my mental health and self image is a mess, and most social media actively does more harm than good to me, despite the friends I made.

Either way, I'm finally, finally for the first time in years excited to see what the future brings for me and art, how I'll improve, what I'll draw over the next year.