#but i’m so excited to try bc my acne is probably at the best it has been in years

[izukuszn]

trying to finally get into makeup… wish me luck i have no idea what i’m doing

[kirishimas-manly-eyeliner]

A full, entire list of headcanons for a day with:

1. ☼ waking up with him ☼6am-8am

LISTEN UP Y’ALL

IF YOU DON’T SIMP FOR EIJIRO, JUST THINK:

YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING TO SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL, MESSY, CHAOTIC BED-HEAD WITH HIS HAIR DOWN AND HIS ADORABLE TIRED LIL’ SMILE

now if THAT doesn’t make you simp, you CONFUSE ME

anyways, so-

if there’s one thing that kirishima chooses to do, it’s to wake up early. i am so sorry to those who enjoy sleeping in, but hey, it’s the price we gotta pay to simp 😔✋

but omfg y’all, is the sweetest baby ever when you wake up with him! kirishima would most likely cuddle you first thing in the morning (…as in like 5 am-) and pull you in closer, planting a kiss on your forehead

“’morning, my beautiful pebble, d’ya sleep well?”

butcanwepleasetalkabouthowcutehisvoicewouldberightwhenhewakesup

you’ll also probably wake up to an insane amount of talking and chatting with him, and by six o’clock, he makes sure that you’re ready to be on your way

the sun is still rising where you guys are, so it’s actually pretty dark where you guys are

he ruffles your hair as he takes you on walks outside, hand in hand, no matter how tired you are

expect him to piggy back you, saying that it’s manly bc IT ISSSSS

2. ✎ doing online school with eijiro ✎ 8am-12pm, 2pm-4pm

“i think i’ve lost complete and utter trust in everything,” you groan. “i can’t even trust my video and mute button, and i need to trust those!”

kirishima grins at you as he plants a kiss on your forehead. “how ‘bout i buy you something tasty during break, huh?”

“kirishima, we’re literally broke,” you deadpan, half-joking but half speaking realistically.

“so what?” you’ve been working so hard lately, i figured that you at least deserve something as a reward.” he squeezes your shoulders from behind your seat (don’t worry, your video’s off for now :))

you raise an eyebrow. “…something?” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“yeah! like maybe we could go for a walk, or-” he stares at your expression before he realizes what you implied. “baby, this is a sfw blog, we’re not allowed to-”

kirishima also most definitely pulls up a chair next to you in class, even though he doesn’t even know what you’re doing. he might not be in that class, but he’ll be right next to you the whole time in case you need help

when you do need help, he peers over your shoulder and helps you solve whatever problem you have right away

the sweetheart also gives constant reassuring reminders to drink water, i LOVE HIM

but when he leaves, he also says, “study and work hard, y/n! i’ll be right here for you during break!”

he promises you a kith and a hug if you keep on striving during online classes 🥺

kirishima likes to come in during class when your video is very much on, and he peeks his head in, waves, and then smiles before heading back out of the frame

“y/n, how do you fight villains, kick butt, literally stand up for an entire school, but you still rehearse how to say here?”

“shhhhh, i’m trying-”

another scenario, “y/n, can you please answer question four?”

“sure. the book that i chose for my report was the fault in our stars by john green, which implies the message that-”

“BABY, YOU GOTTA SEE HOW LOUDLY I CAN CLAP MY HANDS IF I USE MY QUIRK-”

you mute yourself, “DON’T YOU DARE-”

he makes online school almost exciting, and he just makes everything so much more enjoyable

kirishima also takes your hand, squeezing it tightly as he kisses your knuckles. “i’ll start making lunch. good luck baby!”

3. ♨ meals and afternoon walks with eijiro ♨ 12pm-1pm

HATE YOU BREAK IT TO Y’ALL BUT EIJIRO KIRISHIMA CANNOT COOK FOR THE HECK OF IT

y’all have seen him in the training camp thing,, right??

kirishima might not be the best at cooking, but you can count on him to take you somewhere!

man knows the best places where you live, and he just about literally gets whatever you want

you guys probably leave for a walk during break at noon, and kirishima makes sure that you feel safe and comfortable around him no matter what

afternoon walks are probably the most interesting part of your day, and the way lets you put your hand in the pocket of his hoodie just- 🥺🥺

i think something that isn’t stressed enough is people who seem less vulnerable being attacked by predators, so if anyone even dares to approach you, kirishima will LITERALLY POP OFF

not like the quirk pop off-

“HEY! that wasn’t very manly of you!”

as you walk along the way, kirishima makes sure to never let go of you and make sure you feel completely safe with him

you two probably stop by a nearby restaurant and get some sort of food to-go before heading back and eating during class, but shh your teacher doesn’t have to know-

he’s such a sweetheart like honestly

kirishima makes every meal taste like 50 times better, and he makes sure that you eat and drink lots of water!

but if you’re honestly having trouble with your appetite, kirishima makes sure not to push you too hard

he holds your hand if you ever get scared, he tells a joke ease your mind a lil’ 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

eijiro makes sure that no matter what happens, he holds your hand and tells you to take it easy, but also encourages you whenever you need it

he’s so sweet, please keep him

4. ◪ crying + evening naps ◪ 5pm-7pm

crying

kirishima knows that crying is just something that’s natural, whether it’s that you’re frustrated or just feel so tired, he understands

and it’s not even like you’re having a full blown panic attack or anything. you just gotta have your daily cries, ya know?

please tell me i’m not the only one who has like scheduled daily cries-

“it’s okay, crying’s healthy for you, anyway! it’s definitely better than keeping it bottled inside you. c’mere.”

he kisses your scalp as he rocks you back and forth, occasionally wiping away a tear

kirishima reminds you that reacting some way to a bad situation is natural

“if someone was in your shoes, they’d most definitely feel that way, too! don’t feel like you’re the only one, baby, because you’re not. i’m here whenever you need me.”

after, he takes your hand and drags you to get a glass of water. “if you ever nee to cry again, you gotta stay hydrated,” he winks

he’s also so caring and soft when he sees you upset, he gives you the best cuddles as he plays with your hair. kirishima occasionally, when you’re crying, whispers in a compliment.

“your eyes are so magical.”

“you have such a beautiful smile.”

“you’re so… beautiful.”

naps

for naps, kirishima omg please jUST BE REAL FOR ONE SECOND

PLEASE HOW DID MY LIFE COME TO BEING IN LOVE WITH A COLLECTION OF PIXELS-

that beautiful, loving, emotional support shark is who i’m in love with and it’s insane

you rest your head on his chest, breathing in his scent as he places his hands around your stomach

(also kirishima would most definitely adore plus-sized people and stretch marks/acne. he loves every insecurity that people growing up may have, and that just gives me SO MUCH HOPE-)

everything is just so insanely peaceful as he has soft music playing in the background, kissing your nose and cuddling in closer with you

the blanket is directly over you, and after a long day at work, you two decide to take a break together

kirishima also most definitely makes sure to wake up earlier for the nap than you so that he could get you a cup of water

he plays with your hair and gently shakes you when you need to get back to work 🥺🥺

5. ☾ going to bed + cuddling headcanons ☽ 10pm-12am

OKAY SO I KNOW I ALREADY DID SOMETHING LIKE THIS HERE

but i literally canNOT STRESS HOW MUCH LOVE I HAVE FOR THIS INDIVIDUAL

he usually doesn’t mind if you stay up late, but as long as you take care of yourself while you’re at it, that’s completely okay!

kirishima usually likes to make sure that you have a consistent sleep schedule though, even if you look at him in the face and go,

“excuse me? sleep schedule? who’s that?”

eijiro just laughs in such a pure way before he helps you tie your hair or keep it up when you’re brushing/rinsing

while you brush your teeth though, he kinda just wraps his arms around your waist in such a gentle way 🥺🥺

he’s such a gentleman and just wants you to be happy

after, he gets you a cup of water and sits next to you on the mattress

he sometimes likes to play old rom-coms or films while cuddling next to you, or maybe some fancy lil’ disney movies

sometimes he’ll pick horror movies and say “i’m manly enough, i can take it!” and then you’re completely unfazed while kirishima SCREAMS

“b-being vulnerable is manly!”

“oh golly i love you so much.”

something i absolutely adore about kirishima is that he has so much respect for women, enby’s, whatever it is, he just wants them to feel safe and comfortable

he makes sure that it’s okay for him to wrap his arms around you, and makes sure to respect your boundaries

there’s no better place to be than in his arms when he’s wearing a hoodie and your face is rested in the crook of his neck

his chest rises and falls as he turns off the lights, and he might play some light music in the background

kirishima likes to play with your hair and makes raspberry blows into your neck aND I PERSONALLY THINK THAT’S HILARIOUSLY ADORABLE

he’ll make sure that no matter what, you feel safe and comfortable around him

you two sometimes end up having really deep conversations at like 2 am with him

for no apparent reason, you two just start talking away like it’s nothing

he holds your hand and runs his hands through your hair, before whispering comfort into your ear

“you’re so, so beautiful,”

“you have the most beautiful smile,”

“has anyone told you how nice your eyes were?”

“i love you.”

[robinskey]

Don’t Touch My Family

Request: Would you be willing to make an imagine of dad!billy were after graduation u nd billy leave town bc u get pregnant w/out telling anybody but after a few years u have a son & daughter Neil finds out n come by the house hella pissed while billy isnt home, tries to hurt u nd the kids but billy comes home n just beats the hell out him for trying to hurt his family? just the thought of billy goin after the only person hes terrified of for HIS family makes him THE father he never had makes me melt ❤

A/N: This is a little bit darker than my typical fluffy sunshine fanfic, but I really liked the request, so I decided to do it anyway. :) Sorry if you wanted something shorter, anon-this turned into more of a drabble/one-shot than an imagine. Thanks for requesting!

Warnings: Teenage pregnancy, descriptions of violence, implied abuse, language

You find out you’re pregnant halfway through the last semester of senior year. 

When you tell Billy, you expect him to freak out. He doesn’t, though-at least, not on the outside. On the inside, he’s absolutely panicking. But he can see how upset you are, so he just pulls you close. He whispers into your hair that he’ll support you in whatever you want to do.

After a few days of contemplation, decide you want to have the baby. You and Billy agree that it’s best to keep your pregnancy a secret-for now, at least. If your parents found out, your father would probably actually fire that shotgun he’s always threatening to use on “that deadbeat boyfriend of yours.”

And Billy...well, he has no idea how his father would react. But he has no intentions of finding out.

Thus, Billy offers to run away with you right there on the spot. However, you ultimately decide that it would be better to finish high school. Maybe you'll even be able to save up a little bit of money before the two of you start a new life together.

So, for the next few months, you wear baggy clothes to hide your growing midsection. Billy picks you up for “dates” that are actually doctor’s appointments. Thanks to your valiant efforts, no one suspects a thing.

Eventually, graduation rolls around. Your family hosts a small get-together after the ceremony. Distant relatives congratulate you on your achievements and ask if you’re excited to start this “new chapter in your life.” You smile and nod.

You have no idea.

Later that night, you stuff everything you can fit into a small tote bag. You leave an apology note to your parents on the kitchen counter and sneak out of your house.

Billy’s waiting for you outside in the Camaro. He greets you with a kiss on the forehead and holds the door open as you climb into the passenger seat. As he drives away, you watch your childhood home shrink into the distance, saying a silent goodbye to the only home you’ve ever known.

***

Five years later, you and Billy share a two-bedroom house on the West Coast. You have two kids-a son and a daughter. Billy works as a mechanic at an auto repair shop, while you write for the local newspaper. Neither of you make much money, but it doesn’t matter. You’re both happy-genuinely happy-for the first time in your lives.

Billy gets home around 5:30 every day, so, when the doorbell rings at 5:15, you figure he just got off early.

“I’m coming, honey!” you yell, bouncing your infant daughter on your hip.

But when you peek into the peephole, you discover not your husband standing on your doorstep but a scruffy older man in tattered clothing. His face is scrunched up, and he squints in the sun. You freeze, clutching your baby to your chest.

Neil Hargrove is standing on your porch.

“I know someone’s home. I heard you,” he barks. “Come on. Open up. I just want to talk.”

He raises a dirty fist and raps on the wood. The noise scares your daughter, who starts to whimper. You’re too busy shushing her to notice your son appear at your side.

“Mama, who’s that?”

You clamp a hand over his mouth and suck in your breath. Maybe, if you’re quiet enough, you can cancel out the noise made by your clueless four-year-old.

“Is that my grandson?”

For a split second, his volume dips below its typical scream-level. It’s the most gentle you’ve ever heard him speak.

But then he has to ruin it by pounding once more on the door.

“Come on, you coward, open the damn door!” He rattles the doorknob so violently that you think it might fall off.

This time, you can’t prevent your daughter from letting out a wail. Beside you, your son sniffles.

You muster every last fiber of courage in your being. “Get the hell out of here, Neil,” you growl, trying to sound as menacing as possible.

“Y/N? Is that you?” he asks. There’s a soft thud, almost like he’s just leaned his forehead against the wood.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I thought it was Billy in there,” Neil says.

“Billy-Billy is here,” you stutter.

“No, he’s not. I don’t see the Camaro anywhere, and I know my son takes that damn car everywhere,” Neil says.

Your son wraps his arms around your calf and clings to it. You hope he isn’t able to absorb the panic pulsing through every part of your body

“I’m warning you, Neil, to walk out of here while you still can. I…” 

You scan the messy living room, littered with toys. Your gaze falls on a plastic pistol laying on the sofa.

“I have a gun. And I’m not afraid to use it,” you threaten.

The wall between you slightly muffles his ominous chuckle, but it still reaches your ears.

“I’m sure you do, sweetie. But there’s no need to get violent on an old man who just wants to see his grandkids. Why don’t you just open the door, Y/N?”

“Why don’t you just go to hell, Neil?” 

The silence drags on long enough for you to almost convince yourself that he’s walked away.

Almost.

And then, just loud enough for it to be audible: “If that’s how you want to play it.”

You jump out of the way as the door falls inward with a thud.

Neil Hargrove slowly lowers the foot he used to kick it down, glaring at you with bloodshot eyes.

You push your son behind you, wrap your arms tighter around your daughter, and take cautious steps backwards.

“Did you really think you could hide from me forever?” he asks. He advances deeper into your home-your sanctuary-with every word.

“What do you want from me?” you demand. Your backside collides with a wall; Neil’s backed you into a corner.

“I just want what you and my son stole from me by skipping town five years ago,” Neil says. “A chance to connect with my family.”

He draws close enough that you can count every crater left by untreated acne on his creased face and smell the stale whiskey on his breath. “I knew you had one child,” he says, peeking around you at the little boy cowering in the corner, “but two? What a pleasant surprise. This little one-let me see her face.”

Neil extends a wrinkled hand to peel back the blanket covering the baby. You’re too stunned to react until his filthy finger is only inches from her face. That’s when you raise a knee and jam it into his groin. He doubles over with a grunt.

“Go!” You practically shove your son into his room and set the baby next to him. Then, a hand wraps around your ponytail, yanking you backwards. Tears stream down your face as you scream at your kids to shut the door and lock it. There’s a slam and a click, then the word “bitch” yelled into your ear. Neil spits into your ear canal as he calls you every name in the book. You claw and kick and punch, but Neil’s got a death grip on your hair. He drags you across the living room floor, promising that he’s “going to make you pay.” He finally tosses you onto the couch. Your back aches as the barrel of the fake gun juts into your spinal cord.

Between your shrieks and Neil’s name-calling, you don’t hear the roar of the engine as the Camaro pulls onto your street, nor the squeal of the brakes as Billy pulls up next to the beat-up pick-up truck he’d recognize anywhere. You don’t hear your husband’s thundering footsteps as he sprints up the sidewalk. No, you don’t notice any of that; you’re too preoccupied flailing around as Neil tries to pin you to the sofa. 

But even though you don’t see him, Billy appears in the doorway, still wearing his navy mechanic jumpsuit. He’s covered in grease stains and flushed skin. And, for the first time in his life, he raises his voice at his father without an inkling of fear of the consequences.

“Get your hands off my wife!”

He charges at his father, who’s caught completely off-guard. The two of them crash onto the coffee table, snapping it in two. They only wrestle for a minute before Billy comes out on top. He raises his fist and brings it down on his father’s face until it’s nothing more than a bloody pulp. Billy continues landing blows long after Neil passes out. And, while Neil Hargrove certainly deserves it, you’d rather not have Billy kill someone in your house with your kids in the literal next room. So, eventually, you walk up to your scratched-up, bruised husband and lay a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Baby,” you say softly. 

He gazes up at you, the pain and torment of eighteen years of abuse bubbling to the surface once again. Once his eyes meet yours, they immediately soften. He raises himself to his feet and pulls you into a tight embrace. He squeezes you so tightly that you wince, sore from Neil throwing you around like a ragdoll. Billy apologizes profusely and holds you out at arm’s length. His eyes flicker over your features.

“Are you all right?”

“No,” you say honestly. Your hands are shaking profusely, your heart rate is still elevated well above normal levels, and you’re pretty sure you’ll have nightmares about this encounter for the rest of your life. 

“Did he hurt you?”

“A little. But it could have been so much worse, if you hadn’t…” 

A single tear trails down your cheek. Billy wipes it away with his thumb.

“You don’t have to go there, Y/N. Don’t go there,” he says, leaning his forehead against yours. “It’s all going to be okay.”

Your eyelids flutter shut. “You’re right. We’re safe now-me, the kids-”

“The kids!” you both exclaim at the same time. You run to their bedroom and knock on the door. It swings open, and two small children stare up at you. They both burst into tears, and you and Billy gather them into your arms.

The police arrive a few minutes later, just as Neil starts to regain consciousness. (Having nosy neighbors pays off when you need someone to call 9-1-1 without being asked.) As the officers escort Neil out of the house in handcuffs, Billy warns him to never come near his family again.

And for the first time in his life, his father actually listens.

Taglist: @novaddictx @anabundance0ffand0ms @rexorangecouny  @sweetboibilly @scarrasco1325  @readinthegarden12 @lacunaclouds

If you want to be added to the tag list for a specific character/my writing in general, leave a reply or send me a message! Thanks again for reading. <3

If you want to check out more of my writing, here’s my masterlist. :)

[sureivy]

is that HALSEY? no, that’s just IVY CALDER. SHE is TWENTY-FOUR years old and is an EMPLOYEE AT DON’T FRET & PAWS 4 LOVE. rumor has it they’ve been in town for FOUR MONTHS / TEN YEARS. on a good day, they’re CREATIVE & VERSATILE. but watch out! they can also be IRRESPONSIBLE & VOLATILE. TRIGGER BANG BY LILY ALLEN (FT. GIGGS) plays in my head whenever i think of them. can’t wait to see them around springhill!

hello my pals ! i’m amy ( 20 // est // she/her ) and i am super excited to be here! we also over here bringing back a fairly old muse (i,, apparently,, play her during election years,,) with a couple of tweaks, so we love that for me! also! pls forgive me if this is lowkey disorganized, we’ve been in and out of airports all day! can’t wait to contract that sexy corona!

QUICK FACTS:

full name: ivy rose calder

date of birth: may 2, 1995

*does not perfectly reflect the below big three zodiac chart because that’s too much math

zodiac big three: taurus sun, pisces moon, aquarius rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual ( preference for women bc we luv that for her but we also luv leaving things open to chemistry )

education: high school diploma

enneagram: 7w8?

mbti: enfp

moral alignment: chaotic neutral

positive traits: creative, versatile, passionate, compassionate

negative traits: irresponsible, volatile, impressionable, hedonistic

BACKGROUND INFO:

triggers: brief implied sexual abuse, suicide, a lot of death talk?, drug abuse ( desoxyn ), overdose

ivy lived the first eight years of her life in newark, nj. she had a mere family of three – her mother, a model-turned-stay-at-home-mom, her father, a politician, and herself. she was much closer to her mother, but she and her father were close at night.

when her mother finally found out about this, she wasted no time in taking ivy’s father’s side. what a good mom! instead, ya girl was already getting in touch with cps herself... but wow... it was gonna ruin his career in politics :\

“Now, one thing I lerned from Storys is, when something big is about to okur, a riter will go: Then it hapened! This tells the reeder: Get Reddy. Here I go: Then it hapened!” - fox 8

then it happened!

humiliated, clearly never getting a platform back, and absolutely bitter, ivy’s father killed himself before being sent to prison. 

Very Tragique™

ok. so. to distance themselves from the poor memories, but to save money, ivy and her mother moved to springhill, temporarily sharing ivy’s aunt’s apartment while her mother began collecting enough money to buy an apartment of their own and keep it.

during this time, ivy was seeing a lot of people and she didn’t know why! they asked questions about her mental health, but she didn’t know why! i mean, totally not traumatic, right?

yes. instead of managing communication well, she became very fascinated by the concept of death. she had many questions about it, she, a youth, had some extended conversations with clergymen about it –– she never killed any animals, god forbid, but she was absolutely fascinated when she ran across them.

SO CLEARLY THAT WAS ALSO TRYING TO BE DEALT WITH.

ok, i’m gonna skip ahead a little. now in teen years and still fascinated by death, but in a healthier way!, and no longer in therapy because... like... that costs a lot of money!

she dealt with it the best she could. became enamored with music... because why wouldn’t she? some covers here and there, some originals here and there, living that youtube lyf, but not expecting anything to come of it. just liked validation! mood!

she also dealt with it the worst she could! became enamored with drugs! naturally, it started out small. some weed, some lsd, some molly –– you know, just drugs that you don’t typically think of as addictive. although her grades suffered, it was harmless enough...

upon graduating high school, she figured... no college. instead, with barely any money to her name, she was like “i... will go to new york... and i will become famous.”

and she did! she did go to new york! she found a few sketchy places that didn’t charge much for a few nights as she began networking - both socially and “i would like to be known for music” (i literally just forgot the word for networking like..... employment wise.... y’all i’m so dumb). when she’d made some friends, she began crashing on couches that were not quite as sketchy! 

but :\ she did meet these friends in sketchy places :\ and they were like “ok here r some new and more addictive drugs for u to try!”

what she wound up abusing using the most was desoxyn. it kept her awake, it kept her focused, it even shed a few pounds to create an excellent figure! what wasn’t to love! 

i mean it’s literally a prescription methamphetamine,,, when abused,,, literally almost exact same effects as meth,,, but when meth mouth, skin lesions, acne, etc aren’t occurring as a side effect? who was she to care!

20, she released an actual ep with the help of a super cool friend who made everyone call him puppy mills! wow! things were excellent! it wasn’t necessarily seeing mainstream traction, but there was a decent enough following! enough to release an album at 22!

perfect timing, btw! desoxyn was starting to become too expensive for puppy to afford and trying to fake having such a severe form of adhd that desoxyn would be prescribed as opposed to something like ritalin or adderal when it’s literally illegal to prescribe in some countries now?? too hard :\ but the money from the album helped her and puppy!

*olaf vc* puppy died. *end vc*

she was there for it too. she thought it was just a freak-out, took a LITTLE too much, but not OVERDOSE worthy... then he l i t e r a l l y died. and it was a painful death!

“oh wow! maybe prescription meth isn’t super cool after all! shucks!” but that was also an opening?? to visit death herself?? like... she didn’t necessarily want to die (sort of), but she wanted... an answer to the question that had plagued her her entire life... so she was like “ok hope i die then someone revives me but if i die then :\ i guess i die!”

did not die. but also did not get a satisfying answer to her question. the only way it would’ve been truly satisfying? if she had been dead for longer than a minute - then it would’ve given a definite answer! because the answer she received was just nothingness which, while peaceful... is it true?

she tried to detox alone, what because rehab is a business, and it... only... sort of worked. she would be clean for a few weeks, then fall back in, then clean for a few weeks, then fall back in. whenever she wasn’t just naturally focused and awake, or whenever what she was focused on was the past, she would fall back in.

i mean, a side effect is memory loss, so win/win!

she made the semi-wise decision to move back to springhill. wisest would’ve been to just move to a town/city she had absolutely no memories in, but better than moving back to newark!

so... without much to show, and with an unreliable streak, she knew she wouldn’t be able to start looking for much of an occupation – but she still needed money! so she began working at don’t fret out of a love for music, then began working at the animal shelter after completing training.

the main training was, of course, for putting animals to sleep.

FULL CIRCLE.

ah yes. how she pretends it’s healthy... even tho there are studies and statistics relating suicide to veterinarians and shelter workers who euthanize animals... ah yes.

has been back for four months now. love that. do not know how to finish this.

TL ; DR:

born in newark. moved to springhill at 8. childhood trauma that she is still carrying causes fascination with death. “i love music.” moved to ny at 18 because realistic. childhood trauma also causes dependency on desoxyn. releases an ep and an album. does not become famous, but they both have decent traction. moves back after an overdose. relapses... often. now sells records and puts animals to sleep. miss american dream since she was 17, amirite?

PERSONALITY / MISCELLANEOUS INFO:

one person one week, a totally different person the next.

wants to please people, but also wants to be her own person? it’s a whole deal!

in spite of her slight icarian incident, she still hopes to maybe one day become a real musician and performer. until then, we selling records and saying ‘goodbye’ to sweet animals!

can truly flip like a switch in interactions! does love ruining things for herself! almost always feels bad after bc :\ damn :\ alright :\

i’m very bad at these sections i really hate that i always include them!

is still avoiding healthy coping mechanisms. love that for her.

favorite movie is, unironically, the bee movie. favorite horror movie is cats.

SO GOOD at memorizing random lines or trivia. could probably recite literally all of who’s afraid of virginia woolf? other than that?? her memory is so bad. hate drugs for that :\

she uses her hair to express herself! (that sounds really boring.) ...she uses her hair to express herself!

but no. seriously. wears the black shag weave the most, followed by the blue/yellow combo ( we stan the badlands aesthetic ). occasionally forays into other colors and styles when money permits, but it’s usually gonna be one of those two!!

was an envy on the coast stan in high school which makes an inappropriate amount of sense.

will go out and steal the dumbest shit when she’s drunk. has a history of stealing chickens.

once again: hate that i always include these!! feel free 2 j consult the personality parts in the quick facts!!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

ok we gonna list some general ones for right now! all are open to multiple people unless there’s an asterisk by it!

close friends –– moonie, teagan,

ride or die

childhood friends –– moonie,

bad influence ( mutual or her on them ) –– veronica ( mutual ),

good influence ( them on her ) –– presley, hayden, gabrielle,

exes ( can be from high school or something like that if based in springhill, can be from 20s in new york if based in new york )

fwb –– trent,

will they, won’t they –– presley,

someone who knew her music ( can be neutral, a fan of it, or hate it afhkjsl ) –– presley, moonie, teagan, indiana, 

will also possibly be sending in some wanted connections for things that are! more specific!

truly anything!! also up to brainstorm and/or look at yours if you have them!!

UPDATE: i have created a wc page so we luv that for me.

OK. like this or hmu if you’d like to plot!

[nogoodmox]

since it’s late n u guys have been so encouraging

i wanna preface this by saying....im not a Writer and this is pretty much the first wrestling-related thing i’ve ever written. also this was written at 3 am yesterday so pls keep that in mind ALSO it’s not very. romantic bc 1.) im not good with that stuff and 2.) it’s kinda covering the early stages of their relationship so they’re barely even friends yet! (this takes place right before war games!)

that being said thanks for being so nice abt it guys ur all the sweetest and i love u and i’m sorry this isn’t Better but constructive criticism would be appreciated! mwah!

Pete tapped his fist against his jaw in a needless effort to hype himself up.

The guaranteed brutality of his upcoming match didn’t faze him—brutality was his specialty, after all— but despite that, he couldn’t shake off an uncomfortable feeling.

Maybe it was the thought of having to rely on others for his victory, or maybe it was the thought of them relying on him. Neither were things that he was exactly used to.

He wondered, when the time came, if he would put himself in harm’s way for the sake of the others.

Pete thought of the last time he had relied on someone. It was ironic in a way, how the same person he had tentatively began to trust would be one of his opponents tonight.

He had never really thought of Roderick as a friend, just a sort of unavoidable ally. His eagerness had been irritating as was his general disposition, but Pete had chosen to put his trust in him. A choice he’d come to regret.

He liked to believe that the betrayal had made him all the more dangerous now. Not only could he use his desire for vengeance to his advantage, he’d also be sure not to make a mistake like that again.

Pete had operated just fine on his own for as long as he could remember. There were a select few times where he’d tried opening up, and each time he paid for it. It took a few experiences for the lesson to be drilled into his brain, but at least now there was no way he could forget it.

He should stick with what he knew best, and what he knew best was solitude.

Keep interactions short and bitter. You look out for one person, and that person is yourself. Everyone else is simply an obstacle or dead weight.

It was a philosophy he lived by, and one he truly believed in. There just happened to be times where he’d let it slip and thought maybe, just maybe, someone could be an exception. But they never were.

A steady knock on the locker room door disrupted his thoughts. A faint feeling of pain registered in Pete’s jaw as he realized he’d been tapping his fist against it this whole time. Before he could say anything, the door opened and Ricochet’s head popped in.

“You got a minute?”

Pete didn’t answer, he just raised an eyebrow when he noticed something in Ricochet’s hands. It looked like a tube of toothpaste.

Ricochet followed his gaze and held up the object, wiggling it in his hand. “Oh, this? Yeah, it’s kinda why I’m here, actually.” He walked up to Pete and held it out to him. Pete read the label, which only confused him more.

“White….face paint?”

The other man adjusted his North American Championship on his shoulder. “Yeah. Y’know, war paint for tonight. It was Hanson and Rowe’s idea. They figured we should at least look like a cohesive unit.”

“What’s the point of that?” Pete deadpanned. “Face paint won’t get us a win against Undisputed Era.”

Ricochet looked at a loss for a second, then sighed. “C’mon man. It’s to pump you up, get you excited to kick some ass. Plus it’ll look cool, yeah?”

Pete wasn’t very convinced, but he wasn’t in the mood to argue. He did admittedly like the idea of amping up the intimidation factor, not that he was going to tell Ricochet that. “Fine. Might as well fool people into thinking we’re a real team.”

“S’that supposed to mean? We’re a real team. Cole and his cronies are gonna see just how real we are tonight.” Ricochet declared, giving Pete a few taps on the chest.

Pete stiffened at the contact and glared at the highflier. Ricochet was someone who currently fell under the obstacle category in Pete’s eyes. He hadn’t forgotten the match where both their titles had been on the line. They never received closure, and Pete intended to change that next time they crossed paths in the ring.

He’d prefer for Ricochet to stay an obstacle rather than become dead weight.

“I’ve said it before, you’re just a guy carrying a piece of gold that I want. As for the other two, they’ve already got each other. We may be on the same side, but we’re not a team.”

The grin on Ricochet’s face weakened a bit. “Man do you like, practice this stuff in a mirror before you talk to anyone?” He chuckled at his own joke—was it a joke? The weight of Pete’s words didn’t seem to mean much to him, however, as he quickly bounced back. “Anyway, face paint, yes or no?”

“Sure.” Pete said.

“Great.” Ricochet tossed the tube of paint to Pete. “Doll me up.”

Pete barely caught the tube in time. He whipped his head up to face Ricochet, trying to make sure he had heard him correctly. “What?”

Ricochet had placed his title on the bench next to him and met Pete’s gaze expectantly. “What? I can’t put it on myself. There’s no mirror in here.”

“Then find one.”

“No can do.” He almost looked smug, as if he had planned this. “Bathroom’s closed for repairs, apparently Kyle and Bobby thought it’d be fun to flush Sullivan’s gear down the toilet. He caught ‘em in the act.” Ricochet let out a whistle. “It wasn’t pretty.”

Pete didn’t want to hear any more. For whatever reason, Ricochet was intent on sporting war paint, he might as well indulge him. After tonight, he could set his sights on what really mattered.

“Alright. C’mere.” Pete placed his championship on the bench opposite of Ricochet’s and squeezed some paint onto his fingers.

He lifted his hand only to pause suddenly, leaving it hovering in front of Ricochet’s face. “What’s their paint look like anyways?”

Ricochet thought for a moment. “It’s like…a V shape on each cheek.” He explained, tracing the motion over Pete’s cheeks with his finger. “Simple enough.”

“Right.” Pete grunted, doing everything he could to ignore the way his face had heated up. He pressed his fingers to Ricochet’s face and began painting the design, trying his best to keep his hand steady.

Pete came to a halt when Ricochet started giggling quietly. He gave him a strange look, pulling his hand away.

The other man took a moment to compose himself, then cleared his throat. “Tickles.” Came the simple explanation. Pete rolled his eyes and continued with his work, retracing the lines to smooth out the jagged edges.

He paused again to add more paint to his fingers, avoiding Ricochet’s gaze. Pete could feel the man looking at him and unconsciously tossed his head a bit to let his hair cover his face.

As Pete started on the other cheek, he noticed Ricochet hadn’t stopped staring at him at him, almost amusingly.

“What?” Pete finally asked, with a hint of challenge.

Ricochet seemed unbothered. “You’re just a lot more careful than I thought you’d be” He said, a little quieter than usual. It was unclear if the remark was meant to be teasing. It seemed sincere enough, but even if it was Pete wasn’t sure what the implications were.

Pete said nothing and averted his eyes again, finishing with a final swipe. “There.” He muttered. “All done.”

“Great! I’ll just have to trust that it looks good.” Ricochet reached up to touch his freshly painted face, then decided against it. “Alright, your turn!”

Pete froze, he hadn’t thought that far ahead.

He wasn’t particularly keen on anyone paying close attention to his face.

It was bumpy and weird; he knew this. Acne scars and uneven stubble were just the beginning of it. It was something he’d learned to accept, but he wasn’t exactly dying for others to get a good look at it.

Regardless, he knew Ricochet wouldn’t take no for an answer. If he had, Pete wouldn’t have just spent the past few minutes spreading paint on his face in uncomfortable silence.

Ricochet took the paint tube from Pete’s hands. “You mind uh…” He made a hair flip motion. “Getting that out of the way?”

Pete looked down at his hands, covered in white paint, and decided to go with option two. He swung his head to the side—a little too forcefully—and flipped the blond mess back. He was satisfied for a moment before it came toppling back down in his face.

It was times like this where he seriously reconsidered growing out his hair.

“I gotchu.” Ricochet intervened, looking even more amused than before. He tucked Pete’s hair behind his ear to keep it from coming loose again. “Sure got a lot of hair homeboy.” He commented.

“Guess you can’t relate.” Pete replied bluntly.  

Ricochet laughed out loud at that, almost too eager to make fun of himself. “Guess not.” He emptied what was left of the paint into his hand and got to work. Pete winced at the cold feeling, trying not to pull away. “But you know,” Ricochet continued. “The lack of hair could be the secret to my speed.”

Pete wasn’t fully sure if he was joking. “I reckon that’s why you got pieces missing in your eyebrows too?”

The highflier laughed again, this time not as loud, but a huge smile graced his face. “Man, you’re alright.”

Ricochet spread the paint on Pete’s cheeks with ease, moving just as smoothly as he did in the ring. Pete fought with everything he had to try not to break out into a fit of laughter. Ricochet was right, the feeling made him ticklish. His lip curved upward in a smile that he quickly pushed away.

“All set.” Ricochet finally announced, looking proud of his work. Pete didn’t doubt that the man had probably done a better job than him. “Now we look like a force to be reckoned with.”

Pete held couldn’t help but soften his expression a bit. He felt cool, and far more relaxed than earlier. Once again, he wasn’t going to tell Ricochet that, but he appreciated the feeling. “If painting faces keeps you from screwing up tonight, then so be it.” He replied with a shrug.

Ricochet shook his head, and if Pete didn’t know any better he’d say he was annoyed. “You never quit do you? Y’know we can do this whole rivalry thing without all the little remarks, yeah?”

“Cause make no mistake,” Ricochet’s tone grew serious. “I’m just as focused on that title of yours as you are on mine.”

The sudden change surprised Pete, but it didn’t faze him. After all, this was why he kept up his guard so high. He knew behind every person there was a set of intentions, and each interaction with him was a means of achieving them.

“I’m well aware.” Pete said evenly. “S’why I’m not buying this partner ruse. We’re not friends, and we never will be.”

Ricochet paused for a moment. “Just ‘cause you’re a future opponent, doesn’t mean we can’t be on the same page now. It’s no ruse, I’ve got your back tonight. I mean that.”

“Better to have your own back first.”

Ricochet lifted his hand to rub the back of his neck, looking unsure of where to go from there.

“You’re a tough nut to crack.” He said finally, leaning down to grab his North American championship. When he came back up, he was smiling again. “But I’m willing to prove where my loyalties lie out there. There’s no hiding in the ring.”

Pete eyed him for a moment, then nodded briskly. “That’s one thing we can agree on.”

“I’ve got another. We both wanna beat the hell out of those undisputed assholes, right?” Ricochet offered. “That snake Roddy’s gonna be out there tonight. If you ask me, you should focus on giving him the ass whopping he’s had coming instead of making enemies out of your partners.”

An odd silence followed his words. Pete didn’t know how to respond, and Ricochet’s intense gaze wasn’t making it any easier. In his heart Pete knew he had a point.

He was more than willing to take on all four members of the Undisputed Era himself, but he knew realistically he wouldn’t come out victorious. He needed Ricochet and the War Raiders whether he liked it or not.

Just one night couldn’t be so bad, right? Even if it involved putting his faith in other people. Ricochet had nothing to gain from betraying him. Hanson and Rowe, he wasn’t so sure, but considering how fixated they had been on the Undisputed Era for the past several weeks, it was unlikely.

Ricochet saved Pete from having to muster up an answer by reaching over and picking up his United Kingdom Championship. Pete’s eyes widened and he tensed up, ready to snatch it out of his hands.

There was no need to, however, as Ricochet placed it snugly on Pete’s shoulder.

He gave it a few pats, admiring the intricate design on the belt for several moments.

Ricochet took a few steps back, his own title sitting around his waist. “You look good.” He said finally. “Let’s do work tonight, mate.”

Pete’s partner tossed the now empty paint tube in his hand once, then turned to saunter off.

“Not your mate.” Pete replied in a half-hearted protest. He couldn’t see Ricochet’s face as he left the room, but Pete knew he was smiling.

“By the way, the bathroom’s perfectly fine. Just figured we could use a team bonding exercise.”

[jungxk]

slkgjfslkdfb i'm so excited that you're writing the next chapter! but also take care of yourself and take your time! i enjoy your presence on this hell site regardless if you're writing! also curious of what made jungkook your bias if you don't mind me asking?

😭😭why are you so sweet i love u!!💝💝💝💝💝ive written about half of it now so i’m hoping to get it up within the next few days so fingers crossed!!!

and ofc i don’t mind you asking bb i hope You don’t mind that i’m about to go on a jungkook rant😖so i got into bts in my first year of uni in 2016 just as bst came out. i still maintain that that was their best ever comeback. but anyway within the first few seconds jimin was the one that made me😦bc he just looks so! otherworldly handsome in that video they all do but jimin particularly! i think that’s why he’s so special to me out of the boys he’s always gonna be That guy for me uno. also we have the same birthday so can i say Soulmate!!!!!

but anyway my jimin bias lasted for exactly 0.2 seconds bc then jungkook moved to centre in the choreo and oh. my god. my body had a physical reaction fshsghs like chills and everything! his stage presence, visuals, voice, bst rlly brought out the best in him. there was also this particular frame i have screenshotted which is the EXACT moment i knew i wouldn’t be able to get over this guy for the rest of my life rip

like how beautiful is his makeup and styling and stage presence here it’s working perfectly together like a well oiled machine FUCK. this is what i mean about bst being the pinnacle of their career don’t @ me. but ANYWAY this was the move that made me go okay. dunno who this guy is but he owns my ass now so there’s that lol. to this day bst jungkook is still my ultimate weakness, i blush just thinking about him PLS !

but the way jungkook climbed to love of my life status wasn’t rlly from his looks, vocals etc tbh. i wasn’t new to kpop at this point and what rlly struck me about him was how goofy and Himself he was in every show, he’s a silly boy and he acts like one and doesn’t give a shit and i LOVE that, i’m enamoured by that vulnerability and sincerity. i mean if i was a celeb i don’t think i’d be able to show my real self on camera as much as he does tbh, but even if he is putting up a persona which is totally understandable, jungkook’s ability to come across as genuine and Real in a sea of male idols that are constantly trying to be “cool” and “manly” is unmatched imo. he never hesitates to look like an idiot in front of cameras just to make others laugh and i adore that. that boyish quality about him just so endearing, i think because he remains polite and humble throughout it which also another massive seller for me. it’s probably bc he’s the youngest to have been around cameras so he literally grew up in front of the camera if that makes sense? but yeah those things also enhance his already good looks for me so my heart still often flatlines when i see a particular low quality, no makeup, acne scarred, chubby and tanned pic of him😖that’s my favourite jungkook fyi! don’t get me wrong i love made up suited up stage jungkook - but no makeup jungkook? with a few pimples and 10kg heavier with a tummy and tanned ASIAN skin that isn’t made to look 5 shades too white? big nose big teeth eye crinkles smiling jungkook? he is My Love. nothing more i can say.

i think another big factor in him becoming my bias is that in a weird way, me and jungkook have a lot of similarities that i wouldn’t expect to share with a boy like him? we’re both perfectionists, both really introverted and enjoy time to ourselves, both love to sing, to draw, to create in general. we’re both pretty shy and we also have a habit of starting stuff and never finishing it bc we’re passionate about so many things at once. he’s also the baby of the group and i’m the baby of every group too lol. we’re also rlly laid back in some instances like maybe even Too laid back at times (ie spacing out a lot and Not Speaking) but then when it comes to something we care about we give it 110% until it kills us. i rlly empathise with that quality in him and i understand that constant need to better oneself even with a trophy sitting in my hand. don’t get me wrong we’re also polar opposites in other ways like i HATE sports and i’m not patient enough for photography, can’t dance for shit etc etc lol but i think our fundamental ethos lines up nicely. plus, he’s a 97 baby and i’m a 96 baby, and i always think “wow if we went to the same school we’d be in the same year!” bc my school was split up like that lol. he’d be one those boys that i’d probably bully from ages 12-15 but then he got hot in our final year and suddenly i avoid him like the plague☠️

so yeah i guess jungkook being my bias isn’t so much to do with his idol abilities but more who he is as a person. i empathise with him a lot and at the same time get a lot of comfort knowing that someone like him - who i share these traits with - succeeded. i enjoy seeing him do well but ngl i have a competitive streak so watch out babe!

HOWEVER i should mention that although jungkook will always be My Guy and #1 in my lovesick heart, i technically am triple biased for jungkook, yoongi and jimin. if those 3 ever had a kid it’d be me but i guess that will take another ask to explain! thank you for this question tho b it put me in a rlly good mood💖xoxo

[peterjonesparker]

For the usual asks: 1. 10. 20. 30. 40. 50. 60. 70. 80. 90. 100

yooooo, i didn’t think I was gonna get anything so thank you anon. you’re my favorite. (i got a vpn so have access to tumblr!)

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

spotify is playing almost always for me lol. i had like...so many minutes? of music listened to last year? this year is gonna be WILD. i just like...never /not/ wanna be listening to music haha. so spotify saves me. also get to make funky playlists with names that only have meaning to me ahaha

10. how would you describe your style?

oh god. not cohesive? all over the place? i LOVE flowers and flowy dresses and skirts. but also am super into like...jeans and a tee. jeans and a tucked in tee. OXFORDS. wish androgynous clothes looked actually androgynous on my body type because those are LOOKS. but yeah. switch between jeans and tees and oxfords and dresses and skirts and blouses and oxfords lol. oh fuck i also wear leggings to work like every day haha. it’s too fucking hot and my hours are too long and only standing so why would i wear jeans?? also earthy colors! big fan! still trying to like...figure out stye haha. wore a uniform my entire life until college so it’s been a JOURNEY and a CRAZY ADVENTURE.

20. how tall are you?

somewhere between 5′4 and 5′5 but my doc said i could round up

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

proooobabblyyy sandalwood. but lavender is chill. i also had a weed candle once lol. it was called high and was supposed to calm you down. the previous tenant left it in the apartment lol.

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

oh god. for what?? have gone for visiting many times. have been to the er at least twice i think? go for random things. like...at leeeaaaassst 50? that doesn’t sound like a lot haha. i don’t go often, but i don’t go....unoften?

50. what was the last text you sent?

i’m p sure it was to tell my friend that the NEW MITSKI ALBUM IS OUT. (i got a ticket to her concert and i’m going to fucking ball my eyes out and even if i go alone it’s gonna be an otherworldly experience and i am so fucking excited)

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

oh god i’m so lazy. probably like...200? my phone’s camera broke like...immediately after i got it. so...hard to take pix when your camera is fucking blurry and spotty.

70. what was the last concert you saw?

LMAO. it was faust. a german experimental rock band from the 1970s. some guy on tinder didn’t wanna go alone and i was like yeah sure what to heck. they were actually super cool! this sweet old man who is then also YELLING and rocking out.

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

ooof. uh...probably like...loudness in living? like...i had a roommate who would fucking STOMP through our apartment and you ALWAYS knew if it was him doing anything because he was so. fucking. loud. i just...hated him. so i’m gonna say that’s what i hate haha. because it drove me up the wall. like...wow. really made my life miserable.

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

YES. god my skin is so horrid. i can’t imagine not washing my face in the morning and at night. jesus what would happen?? i would be?? wearing a mask? of skin oil? always? and it would clog my skin and give me cystic acne? everywhere? oh god. it would be so painful. oh god. like...washing my face is the thing i ALWAYS do. even if it’s really fucking late and i’m exhausted or if i’m drunk or whateVER. i ALWAYS wash my face bc i’m like there is /no/ way i am waking up to my face being a mask of oil. and that usually gets me to brush my teeth too bc then it’s like well fuck i’m already up and here. (sometimes i don’t though lol. i’m really that lazy bitch)

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?

fuck if i know. i hate crying in front of people. i mean...i cry in movies a ton. lmao i got my period today and was like...so that’s why i nearly cried during the tomb raider (2018) movie! but real tears from my own feelings? in front of another person?? probably my therapist a few weeks ago? best guess?

(i see what you did there lol)

unusual asks!

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[diegest]

2010 V.S. 2019

Age 15 and almost 25

(This is long a messy but I wanted to make some kind of post about it before the year ends.)

I was making a stink face bc my then best-friend was over and said something funny before she took the picture and afterwards we busted out laughing. We were at my then step-dads parents house out in the country walking down to their creek either just getting done swimming in their pool or intending to get in it after going to the creek.

I was most likely a freshmen or sophomore at the time of this picture. (Probably right before sophomore year started...) It was definitely during Summer. I either had a flip Nokia phone or an LG Neon at the time as I upgraded from one to the other. I had my first “job.” I was a veterinary assistant after school for a few hours a day and did some work out there during Summer as well. I wasn’t paid and used my time as a volunteer to play with animals, hold them down for simple procedures, walked dogs, and it helped me gauge whether or not I wanted to actually pursue being a veterinarian. I had competed in track for 6 years in a row by this point and was probably finished with it by the time this picture was taken. (Two Elementary School leagues, all three years of Middle School, freshmen year of High School). I was crushing HARDCORE on my childhood best friend whom I’ve known since the age of 6 but neither of us could handle our feelings for the other and things would become super awkward until we had actually dated 7 years later. I was tan as hell because of track practice, walking to both pools in town, and walking to Sonic with friends during sleepovers.

I was struggling trying to find my identity as a teenager while maintaining being in the middle of my parents joint custody battle and being forced to be 100 miles away from my friends two weekends out of the month. I was a cynical older sister of two step-brothers and did not use my time with them as wisely as I wish I could have, sometimes being a real bitch to them looking back at it. I had no control over my hair color or length and remember desperately wanting to layer it to look like a scene kid despite how naturally thin it is. I had just started dabbling in eye liner (not pictured, as I preferred and still prefer my poolside activities over makeup), wore converse every day I wasn’t wearing flip flops for the season, wore baggy jeans, the same Paramore hoodie daily, and had an extreme creative drive that I miss deeply. I was bullied horribly for my teeth, nose, skin (I had terrible eczema that pool water, cortisone shots, and Summer weather in general helped tremendously with!), height, cup size, fashion, hobbies, having split parents, and then some. My metabolism was extremely high and I was in my athletic prime. I had a touch of internet fame by drawing my own personal characters on deviantArt.com as well as fan art for games and shows I was super into using my first Wacom tablet on my first laptop and to this day still have a folder of fan art created for me on my computer. I was obsessed with cats, rock music, anime, and drawing. I could drive a boat and got both a high five as well as scolded for that time I flipped myself into the water to retrieve my dads hat while we were going full speed over white-caps because I was too impatient for him to circle around and wanted to impress him and the rest of the family. I was for the most part unafraid of most things.

I was secretly extremely depressed and suicidal during the school year to the point I had missed my period for 5 months because of stress alone and I’m certain at the time this picture was taken, I was almost breathing a sigh of relief I was off from school for the summer. I had a close knit group of friends still before it had combust the following school year. I was “working” as a veterinary assistant but also had interests in pursuing being an animator, art director, cartoonist, children’s book illustrator, or graphic designer by this point and my mom encouraged me to pursue whatever I was comfortable with. I wasn’t really boy crazy like my friends were, instead having my heart set on one in particular and probably still having a soft spot for my ex whom I was with for 3 years prior. My bedroom contained my artwork, sports posters, cat posters, band posters, and trophies/medals from my days running track. My friend and I, though not legally allowed to drive, would occasionally sneak to Taco Bell using her parents car if they weren’t home and we never got caught or pulled over for it. My grades were A’s and B’s, though I could not pay attention in History to save my life because I was too preoccupied with doodling on my papers and ignoring this asshole who was two classes above me who had called me ugly but then admitted he liked me at one time because of my attitude?? He’s still an idiot from what I’ve heard only he’s an idiot who knocked up a few women post-high school, is apparently married now, and no surprise to me - is still stuck in that same small town with no goal to go anywhere outside of it.

I was scared of the outside world beyond my small town and had no idea how rough it would get for me. The family issues and my trip to family court had not happened yet. I had yet to become estranged from my family. I was small and awkward as hell. I struggled to hold conversations or make eye contact unless it was with people I felt most familiar with since people were kinda fucking mean. I could argue back but would immediately break down and cry from the interaction at the first chance I’d get. I’d use books, art, and video games for the escapism. Life felt scary and fragile and so very uncertain but at least I had a few individuals in the world whom I loved so much and who I know loved me.

I’m 24 now. I’m now in control over my own hair cut and color. I choose to keep it long as I didn’t even like the way it looked short when I finally chopped it as a teenager. It’s been red, reddish blonde, blonde on top and brown on the bottom, dark brown to blonde ombré, and now platinum blonde with my natural color as a shadow root and I quite like it. I don’t really dabble in makeup unless it’s for an occasion except for covering up my acne as my body decided that having zero acne in my teen years was just too good for me while I was battling eczema instead. I’m not nearly as tan or athletic as I’m forced to be inside at most times. I still love to swim though and I take every opportunity to go to my childhood beach during the Summer when I can in particular. I still don’t consider myself to be family-oriented despite this year really challenging that for me. I have a ton of amazing friends and people who care about me and feel like recently in particular, I’m always busy with someone doing something and making memories as we do whatever.

I have a bachelors in Psychology and a minor in Art, though I did not pursue a masters in art therapy like I had originally intended. I was heavily burnt out from school and my baby brothers worsening medical conditions and the news that he had been in a children’s hospital for quite some time with my family deliberately choosing not to tell me made me choose not to pursue one for the time being. I was working at Dairy Queen while technically sharing a lease with my ex before finding a job at a psychiatric hospital that I loved and getting my own apartment to myself and my cat, whom my ex gave to me as he saw she benefited me more than she benefited him. Though I lost that job, I can now say I have two years of field experience in Psychology and almost 6 months worth in social work and feel like I’m always learning something.

I’m not as creative anymore because the years of crippling depression, anxiety, and being forced to create for school absolutely ruined any creativity I had once had. Though occasionally I’ll have the opportunity to channel that creativity into a video game or quick doodle for a child.

I’ve moved to two cities after moving out of my high-school “home” town (not quite home but a good chunk of my upbringing!) and have every intention of doing it again within the next year after I save up some. I don’t take shit from anyone and have taken after the best parts of my moms personality in my opinion with the added benefit of my dads patience and keen eye. I’m known for making people around me comfortable and able to laugh and decompress and have been fortunate enough to use that power professionally. I would like to go back to mental and behavioral health as I miss the thrill and excitement as well as the camaraderie with fellow staff members in the pursuit of helping individuals. I’m very likely starting a new position in my company as early as next week and have been extremely excited about the pay and hour boost. I’ll be getting my dog in just over two weeks and am excited to start our life journey together. Though I had developed my moms serial-monogamist trait for a while there after my 6 year-long relationship had ended in the pursuit of finding someone to fill that gap, I feel very comfortable lately simply being pursued and wanted without the commitment. I’m addicted to sushi bowls, coffee, and chocolate. My passion is helping others. I feel comfortable in my body enough that I would love to pursue modeling of some sort and have been lucky enough to dabble in that a bit already. I also have a bit of a love for fashion now, though I rarely feel the urge to actually properly plan my outfits unless my goal is to dress to impress or for the sake of photography.

I’ve learned to allow myself to enjoy the things I enjoy without the fear of judgement from others. I still love nerd-culture and have somewhat recently taken an interest in cosplay and want to attend more conventions. I’ve learned that it’s an accomplishment for me to have gotten this far, to have my own place, and that it’s alright that I don’t have everything figured out and not everything has to be figured out right away. I don’t have the same best friend I had 10 years ago, but we’re still in contact and I love my current best friend tremendously though I don’t get to see him often. I’ve learned that my current group of friends may be temporary, but while I’m lucky enough to be around them I’m going to do what I can to make them feel as loved and cherished as possible and make plenty of memories. Ivy and I are doing well and I know we will continue doing well even with Atticus by our side. I value traveling way more and will continue to travel and see new things when I’m able to. Eventually I’ll narrow down a Masters program and go back to school when I feel ready. I might even work alongside my brother at some point as we had talked about working on a project together and I’m pretty excited. This is getting really really long oops

I also just look dope as all hell with blonde hair and have gotten the notoriety of being “that blonde girl who wears the leather jacket” and I’m beyond thrilled about this. I’ve come a long way and I’m proud of myself. It’s hard to believe that lanky, tan, dark haired, greasy-headed kid is me but I think she’s come a long long way and I’m genuinely proud of her for doing so and not ending things when she’s had the opportunity. Here’s to 10 more years of careful and concise progress and glow-ups~

[glaceontea]

My Fanders Sides tag but late

Ha ha whoops I’m late to the train

So I’ve wanted to do this tag for a while now, and I finally got around to it.

I was never tagged but oh well

This tag was created by the wonderful @pansexualroman and I have admired other’s sides, so now it’s my turn like two months too late whoops

Sorry for doing this so awkwardly late I’m actually stupid but here they are~

-

Negativity/Nova -she/her -soft gay™ -constantly tired -loves thunderstorms they make her happy -embodies my anxiety, pessimism, self-doubt, fears and stress -always stressed or worried about something -grumbles constantly, reluctant to do stuff with the others -freaks out around strangers -tries to be intimidating (and succeeds if you don’t know her) but when you get to know her, the most cuddly and adorable child you’ve ever seen, 10/10 would cuddle again - review by cameron -just needs a hug

description: always in a black jumper, usually wears shorts, barefoot where possible usually on her phone, listening to sad songs, wrapped up in a blanket in a room where the air conditioner is on its lowest setting usually has her hair out, except when she’s pissed off when she puts her hair up, you fucking run

Creativity/Cameron -they/them -the one that embodies my musical side, writing and anything to do with the arts -the loud gay™ -no seriously this is my gay -LOVES SNOW HOLY SHIT -FAVE SEASON IS WINTER THEYRE THE ONE MAKING SNOWMEN CONSTANTLY -they’re my self-confidence -houses my passion for everything -the reason I become obsessed with shit -constantly singing or dancing. always -the most romantic fucking little twat- -has a swearing problem -enjoys blasting songs from musicals and singing to them bc sINCERELY ME IS PERFECT AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME OTHERWI-

description: always wanting to wear flower crowns but never does wears their hair down bc that’s the most comfortable but it’s usually wrapped up in a beanie wears merch, whether from a youtuber, band or tv show never wears girly shit or a bra bc they hate it when people call them a girl they like sweatpants but they’re usually wearing leggings

Logic/Laura -she/her -my intelligence -my passion for learning -also has a passion for girls *cough* cody *cough* -loves researching, always eager to learn -knows everything, recalls stupid random facts in times of need -in saying that, cannot remember anything for the life of her -stupid little things like catch-up lessons and something someone said to you two seconds ago are forgotten bc of her honestly -likes rain, it helps her focus, fave season is autumn tho bc trees and plants and wildlife are really interesting, did you know- -feelings do not compute -one of the reasons why I have no idea how to comfort my friends -despite everything, she’s super cool -and super pretty - review by cody -the chill friend -constantly drinking coffee and is always tired -likes classical music, but also enjoys musicals

description: she wears round glasses (bc she bLIND) and has her hair up in a messy top bun, it always looks like it’s been up for a couple of days and strands are sticking out usually wears jeans and an oversized sweater bc the soft fabric helps her think straight she’s the palest bc the only time she goes outside is if she wants an example of something, which is probably only like three days a week still has freckles tho (is the most prone to acne bc research stresses her out sometimes but it’s not too bad)

Compassion/Cody -she/her/they/them (doesn’t mind) -extremely happy and bubbly p much all the time -but when she’s angry, she’s anGRY (angry kisses are a thing she does) -my friendly side -also the side that makes me get really excited over shit like baby otters -obsessed with kittens and wants all the cats in the world bC ALL CATS ARE PERFECT AND WONDERFUL AND- -accepting, warm, the one that loves hugs -affectionate af -loves the sun, favourite season is spring -always listening -doesn’t like talking about her own feelings -she always bottles up her anger, sadness and jealousy and it comes out in scary bursts sometimes, everyone loves her all the same -always there to give out hugs to those in need -loves dad jokes -holy shit do they love dad jokes -pours her heart into everything -tries to protect everyone -a giant nerd™

description: wears a plaid button up t-shirt, usually wearing her reading glasses bc they like them so much her hair is usually out except when she’s exercising, baking or reading they wear shorts all the time, she and laura are the only two that shave (nova doesn’t shave her legs, and Cameron just lets it growwww) she’ll wear caps if they’re available has the most freckles bc she loves the sun

relationships with each other:

Nova and Cameron: They always argue over stupid things, with Nova wanting to not do stuff and Cameron wanting to try eVERYTHING Their arguments are super heated but always end up resolved if Laura comes to help But they really enjoy each other’s company, Cameron likes to cheer Nova up by dramatically performing their favourite songs to her Nova sometimes sings to Cameron to cheer them up when their ego takes a hit, Nova lowkey is the best singer of them all Lots of cuddling during movie nights

Nova and Laura They like to discuss things a lot, Laura helps Nova see things without a pessimistic lens and Nova also helps point out all possible ways something could turn out bad bc sometimes, even Laura misses something important Other than that, they don’t interact much, perhaps the odd book recommendation

Nova and Cody: Cody always finds herself calming Nova down Nova sometimes gets annoyed that Cody is so positive all the time, she doesn’t understand it Cody’s always the one to drag Nova along to something, whether it be a picnic or a sports game Nova is incredibly grateful to have Cody ground her, but she’d never admit it

Cameron and Laura: They work really well together to come up with ideas, Cameron puts in different ideas for stories while Laura does the research to make sure it is factually correct If Cameron comes to Laura for yet another idea for a story, they’ll write it together Usually Cameron does the initial draft, then Laura tries to add in more interesting words and make sure words aren’t repeated constantly They’re the reason I do so well in English

Cameron and Cody: They don’t get along all that well, because Cameron always wants to do dangerous things and Cody just wants to protect everyone she can They do get along when discussing LGBTQIA+ issues though, bc that’s something that relates them to one another That’s about it though, they don’t really talk much

Cody and Laura: They’re THAT gay couple Cody helps Laura learn about feelings and stuff, while Laura helps make sure Cody doesn’t believe in stupid things that definitely aren’t correct Because of Cody, Laura has a passion about psychology, and is the reason I want to be a psychiatrist or psychologist. Them working so well together is a reason why I’m enthusiastic about school and learning, and that I’m able to function well around adults. They’re constantly supporting each other, kisses are always exchanged between them When baking, Cody’s always telling Laura the instructions don’t have to be followed exactly as they’re written Which makes no fucking sense to Laura but ‘okay, you’re the chef’ Cody’s always telling Laura to watch her language They rarely fight, but when they do, it’s INTENSE and always ends in tears

-

Uhh that was it? I hope I did that right lmao

In all honesty I don’t know who hasn’t done it yet? But I’m supposed to tag as many people as Sides I created so I hope you guys haven’t done it yet so I don’t look like even more of a fool:

@momfriendlogan, @make-it-more-gay, @fearinghope, @ace-anxiety-sanders

I feel silly for only doing this now but??? It’s still a good tag??

[uppoompat]

super long tag game woo

my love @floatingdownthemoonriver tagged me in this super long tag game and is giving me something to do at work so here we go! thanks love :’)

the last…

drink: water it’s pretty much all i drink time you cried: i think tuesday night during fight my way lmfao i cry over literally everything

phone call: trying to get in contact w/ the lady who runs the fellowship program i applied to

text message: me to my sister: “100 emoji, fire emoji, crown crown crown emoji” lmfaoooo

song you listened to: that girl by btob’s peniel!!!! support this angel’s solo track please and buy it on itunes or stream on spotify!

have you…

dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone one

kissed someone and regretted it: not right after it happened but i regret dating said people for so long

been cheated on: noooo

lost someone special: yesssss

been depressed: hahahahaaaaaaaaa

gotten drunk and thrown up: only one and i’ve never drank to that point again i have weird issues with throwing up and i try to avoid it at all costs

list three favourite colours…

omg okay: sunset oranges, purple, seafoam greens

in the last year have you…

made new friends: yessss omg it’s basically been a year since i connected with and met julie, justine, and lindsey and they’re the greatest people in my life!!!! and i’ve met so many amazing friends through my kdrama network im so grateful for them!!! and also the lovely people from my korean class including my crush

fallen out of love: i’ve never truly been in love

laughed until you cried: yesss not recently though

found out someone was talking about you: noooope

met someone who changed you: i dont know if i’ve truly changed at all in the past year

found out who your friends are: i;ve known

kissed someone on your facebook list: i fucking wish

general…

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: almost all if not all

do you have any pets: not here in pittsburgh with me but my family has one pup, 3 cats, and a bunny at the moment

do you want to change your name: honestly i’ve always loved my name                    

what did you do for your last birthday: worked lol

what time did you wake up: 9:30am for work

what were you doing at midnight last night: ummm i think i was probably watching someone on youtube

name something you can’t wait for: um idk i’d like to find out about this fellowship but i feel like i didnt get it so i cant really say im looking forward to it

when was the last time you saw your mom: monday before i left to come back to pitt

what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: let’s seeee... my body, my acne scars, my mental illness, my family’s financial situation, my dad’s health, i wish my mom was happy, my future to actually look bright... so much more

what are you listening right now: nothing im at work

have you ever talked to a person named tom: in like kindergarten there was this kid in my class named tommy and he randomly added me on fb a few years ago

something that is getting on your nerves: loud chewing,leaving my room and leaving the door open

most visited website: tumblr, twitter, dramafever/dramafire, mydramalist

about me…

mole/s: i have a lot of little ones

mark/s: i have a lot of acne scarring and scarring on my back from my dermatillomania, a lot of stretch marks, scars from my gallbladder surgery, and really faint ones from when used to hurt myself, and random scars here and there from scrapes and cuts

childhood dream: cliche but i really wanted to be a singer

hair colour: dark brown, so dark people basically think it’s black

long or short hair: it’s basically right in the middle

do you have a crush on someone: yessss one of the teachers from my korean class omg i really developed the biggest crush on him hes so adorable and sweet and watching him teach is my favorite thing like this is a school girl level crush yall idk what’s wrong with me

what do you like about yourself: hahaaaaa ummmmmmmmmmmmm i love my skin tone and my eye shape andddd yeah

piercings: i have my ears pierced but i have worn earrings in years so i think it closed up

blood type: omg i learned this after my surgery i pretty sure it’s O positive

nickname: lex and lexi are what most people call me... my dad used to call me longneck and i couldn’t tell you any ounce of a reason why

relationship status: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

zodiac: libra

pronouns: she/her!

favourite tv show (s): i mostly watch kdramas now but my fave american shows would be criminal minds, lost, friday night lights, brooklyn 99, baby daddy, superstore, and the get down

tattoos: two and i want more when i actually have money!

right or left hand: right!

surgery: my first ever surgery was getting my gallbladder removed in march

hair dyed in different colour: i got red highlights in my hair in 9th grade but that’s it

sport: i played softed from ages 5-18 and i miss it every damn year

vacation: my most exciting vacation is disney world

pair of trainers: i mostly wear vans... i have nice nike running shoes that i used for work though

more general…

eating: sadly mu appetite is a mess right now bc my stomach is a mess

drinking: water, dr. pepper, arnold palmer, bubble tea

i’m about to: cry.... at any given point in time

waiting for: someone to contact me about this damn fellowship so i can just accept that i didnt get in and move on

want: a romantic relationship

get married: i want to but i don’t think anyone will ever want to marry me so

career: psychologist!!!! although at this point idk how long it will take me to get there

which is better…

hugs or kisses: kisses kisses kisses i want kisses

lips or eyes: hmmmm i like lips

short or tall: tall but honestly i dont care           

older or younger: i prefer older but i would probably date someone like up to 2 years younger

nice arms or nice stomach: i love arm

sensitive or loud: i think i prefer sensitive just because i can’t loud personalities cab overwhelm me

hook up or relationship: relationship :’)

troublemaker or hesitant: in the middle maybe more towards the troublemaker end

have you ever…

kissed a stranger: nope!

drank hard liquor: yessss

lost glasses/contact lenses: i havent lost them but one time my glasses legit snapped in half when i took them off when i came inside because they were legit frozen from the cold

turned someone down: only creepy dudes who just want to fetishize my body

sex on the first date: i could never i dont have confidence for that

broken someone’s heart: noooooo 

had your heart broken: hmmm yeah i guess so

been arrested: noooo

cried when someone died: yes :(

fallen for a friend: in like 8th grade... but not like falling in love i really dont think i was capable of being in love then but he was like my best friend and i did like him a lot

do you believe in…

yourself: idk sometimes                  

miracles: yes? idk

love at first sight: infatuation and attraction yes, love no

santa claus: yesssssssssssssssss

kiss on the first date: yes if i felt comfortable enough with them

angels: yes

other…

current best friends name: amber, julie, justine, lindsey and so many other people im really close to

eye colour: brown :/

favourite movie(s): the lion king!!!!, kick ass, juno, titanic

OKAY I MADE IT im gonna tag @properlypadfoot @jemcarstairz @hyukbinnie @bellamybbblake @seokjinings @celes-tae and anyone else who wants to be tagged!!!!

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

11/3/17

I need to start blogging again, so much happening in my life I need to write down. Halloween, the band loco tranquilo performed and I met all the members basically, and the hot guitarist really digged me and offered to walk me home, but i said no to going home with art bc i wanted to wake up early for class, but this guy was really pushing my boundaries and basically broke down all the walls i put up. and it taught me to strengthen and follow my boundaries, if I want to or dont want to do something, its easy to speak it, but i have to DO IT. I let him push them, although i tried very hard to get my way, he ended up getting his way. But on thursday it was dia de los meurtos and i walked around garfield park by my self and felt very sensitive, i carried carlos guitar pick i made a necklace from and journeyed everywhere with him, then I went to fire ceremony which was very powerful.. I had his pick in my hand and our baby picture and at first i was having an expectation for this experience to be powerful because its supposedly the most delicate day for the dead’s realm to intervene with the living, so i wanted to sit down and spend time with my brother... even tho Craig (the drummer from loco tranquilo ) invited me to this show thing and i got ready for it and everything, but i really wanted this sacred time. and when i was meditating i realized i need to have no expectations and to just meditate and feel . and i did, and it was magical.. i felt like carlo was hugging me.. i felt some weight.. some existence on my chest.. like i was being hugged, and it was in tune with my breathing..  but so magical.. i shedded a tear.. and i had the necklace with his pick wrapped around my left ring finger bc i remember reading that there is a vain where the heart connects there.. and i felt him in my heart.. it was amazing.. and a memory of when we were both getting washed by mama bc we both had lice haha.. such a fun memory ,,but i didnt even realize yesterday was day of the dead until the day was almost over.. but it all made sense.. the night before i was really down missing him and feeling him.. and i was cleaning temple for like 1 hour and vacuumed for like 20-30 minutes bc i was just so into it.. karma yoga has really helped me.. i just thought about him and grieved very powerfully the past few days.. starring at the moon reminded me of him. anyways did kirtan anyways went to piano fight bar after dia de los meurtos anyways it was very young lots of people in there 20s and it was just a huge energetic crowd i didnt really feel like i fit in well possibly bc i dont know anyone but everyone was just so young and full of energy and i usually am around these older ppl but it was this guy kyles  bday and he had a a lot of guys play an acoustic set at the bar and then had a video premiere of his new song and it was beautiful it was so amazing so psychedelic and hippie like and it reminded me of my brother and just everything about it like the music and everything was so carlo and it made me wish curl was still alive bc everyone loved this kyle guy and he literally just reminds me of foxygen and everything this kyle guy is about and music videos and the scene and I'm just made carlo did this bc he has it all a beautiful family and not a problem in life but whatever like whatre u gonna do about it right but when i got back to the ashram thats when the learning experience came.. tarvo was outside and i was interrogating him like what're u doing outside so late and stuff and trying to walk back in and he asked if i still wanted to know what beauty is and he told me and he first asked why do i not think I'm beautiful and i said my hair and face and he said that doesn't matter, beauty is basically whats inside. he said a strong will in what i believe in and who i am is whats most beautiful. he said it comes naturally to me, I've lived with it all my life.. so its easy to ignore it and think of other things to think is not great.. he said just how ahead i am.. he likes me .. he likes our interactions.. I'm very disciplined and choose what i want in life and what i dont want and I'm good at making decisions.. thats what makes me beuaitufl he said.. and just how i am naturally.. like the things i say are so sexy.. like he said are u excited about this silent movie and i said yes I've been wanting to see something exotic lately and he said see there it is thats just so sexy to me and its just how i used the word exotic to describe a film and he said he likes my eyes bc it shows i am .. i forgot the word but its like caring about others and myself.. its a very caring word.. sincere ! and that they are sexy.. and he said a lot of experiencing things.. i said it was like i was talking to god.. he like knew why i had insecurities.. he said I'm so ahead of people my age.. i just got to pass all the heartache and pain that they will experience.. but its just such a little life I'm glad i can.. I am fucking great.. i like realize things and find things inspiring in him.. like this morning he had a book but it was a different book and its like damn this guy fucking reads a lot. like ALOT. thats probably why he has such  great vocabulary and good speaking skills. when i asked how does he have such great speaking skills he said he just feels everything and then verbalizes it.. he feels how everyone is feeling in the room then speaks.. like he said he’ll think of an orange and then sees how he feels having it around his space.. something very inspiring .. i think his purpose in my life is to inspire me , to teach me, to be  friend. bc although there is some attraction between us.. i am learning a lot from him and he is providing trmemdnous growth in my life.. I am fucking kick ass I'm only fucking 19 and he's 39 and he was saying we come from two different worlds but he likes me.. but after done talking i went in the kitchen a bit upset and confused bc its like well where do we stand i mean u said all these nice things to me and mentioned this woman of yours multiple times and its like hmm.. i spent almost two hours on karma yoga and its like well thats it..the lesson isn't in relationships.. its in the growth he is giving me.. his inspiration.. his insight.. all of it.. inspires and uplifts me.. same with jesse.. it is so hard for him to be in  my space bc i am so attracted to him.. but underneath it all.. i learn a lot from him. his vocabulary.. i want to understand him more too.. these men.. that i cant have.. they all teach me something... i guess thats why i am so attracted to them.. another thing tarvo pointed out is that wisdom never leaves.. and it is best to get it as early as i can and keep it.. and then i asked well what is wisdom and he pointed out there it goes again .. thats why he likes me .. and our interactions.. it was like a movie. two different people from two different worlds.. but our energies just click.. and our conversations are unique.. and i learn a lot.. he's out there smoking his cigarette and saying all these crazy things that only inspire me.. theres a lot more.. but in the end i am just inspired to be true to my self and do what i want in life. i want to major in music. i only have one life.. so dont waste it or my time.. who cares if i won't be some crazy performer.. ill teach it at the least.. but dammnit I'm studying something that interests me and everyone else can suck my ass. in fact. i am very intelligent. i dont want to waste time with men.. tarvo said the more i work and respect and love my self,, the better the men in m life will be.. basically the people who come into my life are kind of a reflection of me.. but damn it i do want to work on myself and be this bad ass chick. I AM A BAD ASS CHICK DAMN IT> and its inly getting better. i also thought about how i always think in the future like oh someday ill be a better speaker or oh someday ill make people feel this way about me but dammnit no its NOW. right now that is happening.. today this morning chris says he loves being in my energy.. its so laid back and honest and he said better things but i cant remember.. damn it why cant i remember .. oh I'm doing so much more for myself now.. I'm listening to my body.. I've been vegan for like a week now.. today and yesterday i kind of splurged on over eating bc i got my EBT card.. but I'm recognizing it and fixing it.. i am fucking smart. i am so in tuned and I'm writing down more how i feel about things.. Feel things.. today I've been in bed from like 3am to 6 pm and half of it was sleeping and i spent a few hours just being depressed.. thinking i have an ugly face bc of my acne and nasty hair.. i disliked it all...but i grabbed the guitar and started playing and eventually i played my feelings out.. and thought damn.. ya this is the shit i want to learn.. bc i felt it.. i felt my feelings in the vibrations.. i thought, instead of being in my head with these insecurities,, i will be creative and play music. and i fucking did. i played a shit ton of music and it sounded so fucking good. I'm the fucking best. i am sick.......!>>!!>!! i am so cool.. and when i closed my eyes i really got in tune with the vibration and the noise.. i am using my time wisely now.. i thought a few days ago why waste time with someone who is not in love with me when i can be in love with other things.. and guitar came to mind. instead of spending time with worthless men in my life.. i am learning in guitar. in fact i see myself as this ultimate bad ass who just is so tuned with herself and music that nothing else (problems) MATTER. i can totally see it. I'm getting there. I'm the fucking best man. but ya I'm sick. recognize more of how beautiful i am. last night during karma yoga i thought instead of thinking of what i am not.. think of what i AM awesome yoga bitch in san frnaicso on her own killing the fucking game I'm only 19 whats up I'm super sick