#but idk i think i just dont like dating that’s a label and an obligation to consistency that i can’t handle

[fresh-cut-ass]

Ok not to blog about my life here but my real life friends follow me on my main and i just have to word vomit this out.

Okay. So. I'm literally in a throuple but none of us consider ourselves to be polyamorous.

polyamory to me just has connotations of an open relationship or dating lots of people. Whereas we're just like... Monogamous... But it's three people.. does that make any sense?

Idk. I guess im just wondering if other people in throuples can relate or am i insane. I definitely feel like... Very uncomfortable with the label of polyamorous and i dont feel like it fits me or the situation I'm in. But i feel a little silly bc... Words have meanings and by definition im taking part in a not-completely-monogamous relationship. Its just... Polyamory feels like it has connotations and idk if im really comfortable with that, like, social aspect of it? How others would perceive me if they knew about that kind of stuff. Like my friends know but like... If people outside of my close trusted friends knew about it.

Im already a lesbian. My relationships are already "abnormal" and "deviant" to people. But, like, my life just feels so normal to me. I don't feel like im doing anything non-normative. I dont feel like im going against the grain. I just feel like polyamory as an identity is incredibly stigmatised and i just kinda want a break from judgement.

But then i feel an obligation and its like... You clearly have some internalised prejudice about this stuff, but i don't think I'm remotely in a place in my life where i can even begin to unpack all of that. So.

I guess im just looking for like. Advice idk. I dont even really know what I'm saying anymore

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Is it bad if I know I'm probably bi but I just. Don't feel like the label is worth it? I just honestly want to live my life and date whoever without worrying about labels because I am so sick of the baggage ppl in and out of the "community" demonize and fetishize us with. But if you just say you're queer people try to define you anyway by who you're dating and I just. I'm so tired. I just want to date whoever and let ppl assume whatever, and not care. And I totally get why this label (Part 1)

(Part 2) I get why the bi label matters to ppl but I honestly just want to say f*ck it and not label myself. I know that's not a popular opinion but I'm so fucking tired of feeling lowkey social pressure in some bi spaces to be super out and loud and advocate for yourself constantly. Like I get why it's important for someone to but sometimes ppl act like saying you don't like labels is a copout and I'm like I DONT CARE. IM TIRED LET ME JUST LIVE. Idk just wondering if anyone else feels this.

-

Hi anon. I can only offer my opinion as someone who doesn't exactly feel that way so make of it what you will, but labels are meant to be used because they're useful or helpful in some way, whether that's in figuring out your identity, finding a community of likeminded people or however else it is helpful or useful. If you don't find these labels useful or helpful in some way you don't have to use them. It's not a copout to just not really care as long as you're not acting like nobody else should be using labels either (like that whole "Labels are for soup cans not people!" mindset, which is wrong).

Also I think there is a difference between just being something and actually identifying with the term or label in some meaningful way. Like for example I am technically non binary but the term non binary means nothing to me, I don't like it or connect with it and it's in no way any part of my identity just because technically it does apply to me. By this I mean really you can be technically bi without actually using the label bi if that label doesn't really mean anything to you, and that isn't inherently wrong or bad.

I think there is a difference too between people not wanting to call themselves bi because of internalised biphobia and thinking the word and what it represents is wrong or 'dirty' or something and people just being completely uninterested in using any labels for themselves. Internalised biphobia is harmful because that is about denying or suppressing attraction or having a lot of inner conflict and so on, things that can do someone a lot of damage, but just not being interested in using particular labels is not bad. Although nothing you do or say is probably ever going to stop other people making incorrect assumptions or trying to foist terms onto you (based on, as you say, who you're dating for example), that often happens whether you call yourself bi (or whatever) or not. For some people, that is probably going to be a factor in why they actually do choose to use a specific label and why they may even be very 'loud' about it - to correct other people, to rebel against what other people try to foist onto them, pretty much just out of spite even towards people who keep on trying to tell them 'you're not really X you're just Y'. But that doesn't fit everyone. Nobody is obligated to be really 'loud' about their sexuality whatever it is. There is nothing wrong with keeping things more low key or private if that's how you like it.

It is deeply unfortunate that we still live in a time where being bi is still so commonly either erased or denied, or else very commonly fetishised or demonised or demeaned in some way and it is terrible if things like that are putting some people off actually calling themselves bi. If that is what is going on to some degree with you and it is other people and their prejudices that have made you reluctant to label yourself bi then I'm sorry that others have made you feel that way and if that is a factor in how you feel towards the label then I hope things do get better for you in that regard.

But then there are people who just genuinely don't care what other people say or do, it makes no difference to the labels they do (or don't) use. Ultimately you do what is right for you really. You can label yourself how you want to and if that includes not using labels at all that's entirely your decision and there's nothing wrong with that so long as you're happy.

-Tiger

[pen1ag0n]

pls do elaborate on being a fan service anti, I'd love the hear your opinion. i also don't like it if it's over the top but i think sometimes it can be fun

ok anon this will be rambly and chaotic so sorry in advance

basically some idols seem to enjoy doing fanservice-ish stuff (huta for example) but often it feels forced... and i feel bad for idols who look uncomfy but "have" to do it no matter how over the top some requests are. sometimes fanservice is just simple stuff like shinwon posting 'comment a date i will post a tbt selca', sometimes it's getting ripped for a concert to do a shirtless stage, sometimes it's asking some idol to say something in your native language while they have no idea what are they really saying, sometimes it's letting fans touch your hair/hand... there are many examples of fanservice just like there are many opinions, but don't believe idols i like don't owe me anything. it's my choice to like them, just because i spend money on them it doesn't mean they are obligated to ... pander to me? when i was growing up myspace was big so i used to follow local band scene. for those people it didn't matter if you were around since first 5 basement gigs, they would refuse to take a photo or just pay "fans" no mind. they believed their success is based off their skills, connections and luck. fans are a bonus. when i did stuff in movies, a lot of actors treated their fans like a nuisance.. kinda? maybe it's a strong word, but it was very... "for granted". having fans is a given. it's an entierly different culture, on many levels. while in kpop fans are often credited with helping their fave group get big by promoting them or just. behaving well in offline/online spaces (whatever that means). obviously you need fans to get big, someone has to rake in the streams. but there's this expectation? fan has to do stuff for their fave, and their fave has to repay them? it's transactional? every nice interaction an idol has with a fan gets labeled as fanservice, rather than 'human interaction'. idk people should be kind to each other regardless... should idols treat people who aren't their fans like dust? to make sure their "real true fans" keep feeling special? ... hmmm..... maybe im a weirdo but i dont need ... anything like that? i dont want my favorite artist to... know... i exist... i enjoy their art and being a silent spectator. my idea of them isn't who they really are and that's fine by me? i guess it's because i hate being a burden to anyone but like. no one has to do aegyo to ensure i keep buying their albums. the progressing dehumanization of idols is also something i can't help but notice. feels like one step into right direction is always followed by 2 steps back. sigh. i hope this ... essay makes sense anon.

[papier-ciseaux]

heya, i hav question for the aromantic spectrum week :)

how do you know you’re aroace oriented? And not just, confused

cause i think people are hella pretty, and i get confused, and feel like entering a relationship, when i dont think im romantically attracted?

ive never been romantically or sexually attracted, just confused, because people are pretty, shouldn’t that mean i have to date them?

It’s not aro week anymore but anytime is a good time to learn some things!

This post by the Ace and Aro Advocacy Project covers the basics of what amatonormativity is. 

It’s hard for me to make any calls about your situation and experiences based on so little information, so you’re gonna have to figure things out yourself. I just thought I should mention that stuff just in case, because feeling like “you should have to date someone” sounds like amatonormativity to me? :v

Anyway, you don’t need to date anyone just because you think they’re pretty, I’m sure a lot of people would agree that finding someone beautiful doesn’t necessarily mean you want to date them. Gay men can find women pretty and still not want to date them! Appreciating beauty is something that doesn’t have to mean anything more.

Image descriptions under the cut!

[Image ID: Four digitally drawn pictures.

Image 1: A simple cartoon character with short brown hair, white skin, and cyan blush on their cheek is shrugging with the words “idk it just felt right” above their head. They are wearing a striped blue shirt and cyan pants. On the right, a text reads “It's a way for me to label a 'something' that's not romantic or sexual attraction. idk what it is, but it's there”. A smaller version of the same character is sitting on the ground with the words “people do be pretty” handwritten over their head.

Image 2: A text at the top reads “If you feel like oriented is the label for you, then welcome to the club!” The cartoon character is standing on the side with their arms up in celebration and a smile, saying “YAY!”. A text written in grey, lavender, white and pink (the colors of the cupioromantic flag) reads: “Also, cupioromantics are people who desire a romantic relationship despite not really experiencing any romantic attraction. you might want to look into it?” A text at the bottom reads “However, I wouldn't recommend dating someone out of a sentiment of obligation or expectation.”

Image 3: The character appears to be talking directly to the audience, head resting in one of their hand. They say “you're gonna have to ask yourself if that's what YOU want personally or what you think you SHOULD want”. The text continues with “sadly we all have to deal with this thing called”. The word “Amatonormativity” is written in all caps and in bold. Below is written its definition: “it's the assumption that a longterm monogamous romantic relationship is the end goal we should all prioritize over other kind of relationship” A second drawing of the character is posing as if to present the word and the definition. They have a displeased face and the words “It sucks” are written over their head. Image 4: The character looks unhappy and is pointing at the following text “you guessed it, amatonormativity is a load of lies and can be very unhealthy. so don't force yourself into a relationship just because that's what you feel you "have to"”. A second drawing of the character is saying “im not an expert but that doesnt sound good…”.

The background of all four images is a two tone gradient that starts with the color of the bottom of the previous image. It goes white, blue, dark blue, cyan, white.

/End ID] 


[yrbutchgf]

do you think someone can be butch wlw if they really really want to as opposed to a trans man, like even if theyre transitioning? ive been struggling a lot with this lately and while i like masc terms and i most definitely want top surgery and to continue with testosterone for the time being, i still kind of hate men and really dont want to be one but i feel like i have to due to my dysphoria and my presentation. and because of my struggles with my attraction to men, which im not sure is real or not but if it is a part of me feels like that attraction is only ok if i am also a man. idk if my rambling makes sense but i dont have many butch mutuals so im hoping you have some insight that can be helpful. perhaps if you have followers who are trans men they could offer their perspectives as well?

yeah, absolutely you can. there are plenty of wlw, including lesbians, that are on/planning to go on T and/or get top or bottom surgery. it's your body, you get to choose what to do with it. i reblogged a post a little while ago that was like, you don't have to figure out how to label your gender in order to pursue transition elements if you want to get them, and i think that applies here. you don't need to know what your gender is in order to justify getting that top surgery or starting on testosterone. don't feel obligated to identify as a man just because you want to transition. plenty of wlw, femme butch and otherwise, go on T and pursue top/bottom surgery, even alongside other social transition options, like wearing binders and packers or changing their names and pronouns. just do what makes you feel like you. plenty of people of all genders will relate anyway.

sidebar, i myself relate to only feeling comfortable with my attraction to men if i'm sort of a man-adjacent thing (or as one of my mutuals puts it, an "honorary man"). i wouldn't consider myself a man in any real sense, but if i were to date a guy, i feel like it'd sort of end up being mlm adjacent in terms of the dynamic, how i'd want people to view us as a couple, how i'd want them to view me as a partner, etc. this is a relatively common experience among bisexuals and multigender people (bisexualgender comes to mind). someone i know, for example, is like, "i don't know if i'm bi or not, but i do know that no matter who i'd end up dating, it'd be gay." that sort of feeling is more common than you'd think. honestly, i think that's just part of being butch, for me.

[queer-as-frikc]

My coming out story is weird, it gets a lil transphobic so tw near the end tw long post too

So, pretty much throughout my time growing up through elementary school and half of middle school, i grew up in a white middle class area. I didnt know about the LGBTQ+ or anything other than what I saw, which was white people and an occasional poc. Eventually I had to move and I ended up in a super diverse area, and ended up becoming best friends with this person (they are ftm now so imma use the right pronouns but they were f when this story mostly takes place) he told me all about things I didnt know, specifically the LGBTQ+ community and that he was pan, and it was new information so just like any 13 year old learning new things, I questioned myself, I questioned if I could like the same sex or not or possibly more.

Sadly, drama happened between my best friend, his girlfriend and I, so thing got a little weird. But there was a time in winter, when he was off that relationship for more than a month and he said he'd like to date me, and I really thought about it before hand and said yeah, I couldnt tell you how happy I was to have this experience.

I told my mom that night, in a round about way cuz I was nervous, "Hey mom, what if I liked girls?" She told me she doesnt think that I do, because I always expressed feelings for guys, and when I tell her I didnt really understand what being gay was when I was younger, I didn't really know it was a possibility. She snapped at me and said, "Unless you are willing to kiss a girl and do the other stuff, you arent gay at all."

Eventually I have a sit down conversation with her, about how confusing this all was and how I wish I knew how I felt, and so on. She said she had a similar questioning phase but it never stuck so she doesnt think I am.

Like a month later I figure it out and dude that was so gratifying. I came out as bi to my mom, who just dismissed the whole thing, but I was terrified to tell my uncle (it's a long story about that, no it's not "sweet home Alabama") because he always said bi's were wh*res so yeah. I ended up telling him, and he goes, "You know my opinion on it but that doesnt mean that I'll disown you or anything." Btw the relationship (dating wise) with my best friend after he came out as ftm because he went back to his ex, it's all cool tho.

So that was that, or so I thought. It was my first year of high school, and I finally really understood the definition of pan, what was holding me back though was the trans experience, I thought because I didnt know what it was like, I couldnt be pan, even though I didnt have a preference, turns out it just means you like people no matter their gender and it like, clicked finally so yeah. I've told my family about that since but I a similar reaction: my mom said she doesnt think I am and she lectured me on my generation having so many labels and how she hated it. My uncle said he appreciated that I was pan more than me being bi which confused me but he just had a better view of pansexual than bisexual. (I explained to both of them what the difference was but idk man)

I believe it was my second year of high school when I really started to question my gender, and that was mostly because I saw a video of what gender dysphoria looks like if it's not that strong and you arent aware for ftm. So like wearing bagging clothes all the time, always wearing sports bras, and practically no other bra, feeling really good if someone accidentally calls you sir, etc. And I was like, oml it's me. But it wasnt, I didnt find that out until later tho. So, with my friend group, I find a name that seems to fit me well and ask them to address me by it and he/him pronouns, as like a test of sorts. (All of my friends are gay in some way so it was cool) In the end tho, I got a little iffy about the whole thing and wouldnt ever correct them at times or it was just off for me. I felt really bad because I thought that they might have thought that I was just trying to force myself to be more like them, but I wasnt, i still felt bad though and kinda dropped it.

I'm not sure 100% how I figured it out tho, but I remember talking to my best friend (not the same one from middle school, they were my best friend as well but they arent the same person) about the whole experience and I believe they brought up the idea of genderfulid, and I was like :0.... what that. They explain it, you go aall over the gender spectrum, some days you might feel like a boy, others you might feel like you have no gender, some days you might feel like your gender is something completely weird and different, that's just what it is. And I was like, "It fits but like, I barely feel femme at any point in time, maybe like once a year." And they tell me, that's ok and stuff as long as my gender just decides to be a completely weird and went all over the place, it counted, so I was like, "I finally figured it out!!!" And i was so happy.

Then came the time I was comfortable enough to tell my parents. I had been using the label genderfuild for over half a year already and I thought that it was what I was so it was ok to tell them. I saw how ok me being gay went, so I was nervous but not as nervous as I should have been, probably. I told my mom first, she went on a similar rant of her no liking my generations labels and such, but it went fine, I explained it, I thought I was through, I thought I was fine, apparently not. One day I'm in the shower and I hear my mom being very expressive with what ever shes talking about to my uncle, which is fine, she needs someone to vent to sometimes. When I get out though, and I can here her clearly, I hear sees complaining about what I told her recently, that I'm genderfulid, but instead of saying that, she only says I want to be a boy. (Oh no) So shes complaining to him, asking why I cant be more like her and just be a masculine girl and be fine, why do I have to fit in with the crowd of my generation to feel special, why cant I just be fine with who I am now? Etc.

The sad thing is, that night, I was going out shopping for pants and underwear with my uncle because I needed some and I wore men's pants already at that point, because they are more durable, and stuff so I knew it was gonna be a long ride. My mom was snippy with me that whole night, just the entire time which sucked.

When we finally left to go get clothes though, I didnt know it could get worse. My uncle lectured me about how that's just my generations fad, and how his was making tattoos and piercings ok in the work place and mine is being trans a gay and all that crap, and that I'm just trying to fit in, I'm not being myself, no matter how much I chop myself up and cut my hair and take hormones my chromosomes will never change and so I can never be an actual guy. He also said that I would bring just more attention to myself being a woman who does guy things rather than try and be one, and he thinks I'm doing this all for attention. I was mad but silent at this point, I didnt want to cause anything to happen. He ended up asking me, "So did you pick a different name?" I was surprised but I said yeah, and my friends were using it and it seemed to fit better. He asked me what it was and fear over took my body. I told him, "I'll only tell you if you dont use it against me if your mad." He says, "i cant promise that." And then gets mad because I wont tell him. Though I do, because I feel obligated since hes buying me clothes. To be even more confusing, he buys me guys underwear, and undershirts along with the predetermined pants he promised me and now I'm so confused.

But it gets even worse. When we get home, my mom freaks out on him because be bought me all that mens stuff and she said he was encouraging my behavior and stuff, he defended with it's just clothes, and yah it is. Eventually things settle down, obviously my mom isnt talking to be, but that's for the best at this point. I'm in the living room with my uncle and he just then starts harassing me with questions like, how do you know? he asks. "Well, I just feel that way, same as you." I say. But why do you wanna be a guy? he asks. "I dont wanna be a guy, it's just weird that way. Also it's not me being a guy, it me being many more than that," I say. He says that's bullsh*t. I offer to show him videos that better explain what trans is and how it's an actual sciencey thing and stuff but he said he wont take a video because he wants me to say it. And then he just goes off, saying the name I picked out shows how self centered I am because I am selfish, he kept asking me if i liked to fight, to catch and play with bugs, to be strong, to be angry all the time, and all these stereotypes for men and I just left, and went to bed. He wasnt going to listen to me, so there wasnt a point to me staying.

But, it gets worse. The morning comes and I'm awoken by the slam of my door by my uncle and the laughter of my mom. My uncle starts being really aggressive and starts cleaning my room, I only have clothes on the floor mostly so that's all it was, but he starts saying, well if you're gonna be a man, imma start training you like one, the man of the house picks up after everyone, the man of the house does everything he can to help the house run smoothly, the man of the house has to be strong, and all that stuff. (Which I thought was funny because he was "the man of the house" yet I did everything, and still do. I clean up most after him, funny huh.) And, I know what's happening and so I stay in bed, I don't want this to happen. But I literally get ripped out of my bed by my uncle and get told to stop being a little b*tch and a brat because I'm being selfish by my mom and I'm yelled at to sit in the living room and wait while my uncle cleans my room. When hes done hes starts lecturing me and being all aggressive and in my face. He keeps asking me a million questions with the tone that he didnt care so I knew he wouldn't listen. Eventually, him and my mom leave, I'm told to stay there until I get back. When they do get back, they act like everything is fine, nothing happened between them and I and it's just been so hard for me to talk to them about that since.

I'm greatful that I dont have to deal with that anymore but every time something that that is brought up with my family, I panic so much now. I'm fine and I'm safe but it was very traumatic for me. And uh, thanks for listening.

hey, thank you so much for sharing your story. this was just. so heartbreaking. noone deserves to have a person like your uncle in their life. im so sorry you had to go through all of that. i hope you’re in a much better place now <3 (also i loveeddd reading about how you figured it out) =)

again, tysm <3

[marinsawakening]

So ive been questioning whether or not im aro. I used to ID as panro but ive been soul searching lately as well as entering the dating world a bit and i just dont know. I think i might be quiroromantic? Any advice for trying to figure this out? Thanks

Aaalright, so it’s been a while since I was questioning, so I’m a bit out of the loop on this front, but I’ll do my best to direct you to some resources.

@aromantic-official is pretty much aro central, and they have a resource page that includes resources for questioning aros and a glossary of aro terms, which should be a decent start. Their questioning tag also contains a variety of posts that are aimed at questioning aros; I haven’t gone through all of them, but it’s hard to imagine that there won’t be at least one that’s a little helpful.

@anagnori also has a very extensive resource page (although some may be out of date; I haven’t checked all of them), and also wrote this post aimed at questioning aros. 

AUREA is a fairly new website/organization dedicated to aromantics, and it has a resource page (again, haven’t checked all the links, but since the site is new, they should at least be up to date)

For quoiromanticism specifically, this post is a good 101 introduction (idk how relevant that is to you, but I feel contractually obligated to include it). The coiner of the term is @epochryphal, who has a quoi tag that is likely to include relevant info. @shades-of-grayro is a good blog for everyone on with a grayro identity (’grayromantic’ is both a specific identity and an umbrella term), and while they don’t seem to have a consistent quoi tag, the quoiromantic search on their blog yields good results. I don’t follow any quoiro blogs, but a quick search turns up @quoisitively-queer, who I’ve seen around (idk how active they are though), and although it’s not especially relevant, I remember @official-quoisexual from when I was questioning whether I was quoisexual, and although the blog is dedicated towards quoisexuality rather than quoiromanticism, and since the quoi community is small, ze might still be able to help you find more specific resources.

Some other aro blogs I recommend (note: I don’t follow everyone on this list, but they’re all good blogs as far as I know):

@aro-neir-o (lots of research)

@aroworlds​ and the creator’s other blog @alloaroworlds; the first is a blog centering around aro creativity, and the second is an allo aro community blog. 

@fandomshateaspecs (community blog, run by a variety of mods)

@biaroace (coiner of the ‘oriented aroace’ term)

@black-aros and the creator’s other aro blog @official-angledaroace; coined the term ‘angled aroace’, which the second is a community blog for, and the first is a blog centering around black aros.

@aro-soulmate-project (originally a blog for deconstructing the soulmate trope, still pretty vocal about this, but has turned into more of a general aro blog with good posts)

@aroarolibrary

@aroacepagans

and uuhh definitely a whole lot more but my brain is blanking at the moment, if you’re an aro blog feel free to like or reblog or reply to this post to make yourself known! I strongly recommend speaking to arospecs directly about your doubts/questions; often, personal conversation can help clear things up in a way that resource posts just can’t. Getting involved in the community can also help; while there’s no guarantee of this, personally, that’s what made me feel secure in my identity.

On a personal questioning note: I can only speak from personal experience as an aromantic with no romantic attraction whatsoever, as well as someone who was lucky enough to have a fairly stereotypical aro experience and get through questioning relatively easily (and with no internalized issues around the aromanticism), but the biggest issue that I found in my aro questioning journey was that the aro label felt so final and definitive, when the aro identity, by nature, is hard to figure out/’prove’ because you can’t prove a negative. I can’t prove that I will never experience romantic attraction; it’s entirely possible that I will, in the future. Hell, I can’t even really prove that I haven’t in the past; there were several instances where I very well might’ve gotten genuine crushes. 

But ultimately? Being aro made me happy. The idea of being aro was appealing in a way that being romantically attracted to people/dating never was. For me, at least, being aro is honestly more about making the choice to reject society’s planned romantic path than about the certainty that I will never experience romantic attraction; I feel no desire to ever experience it, the instances in the past that might’ve been romantic attraction annoyed me immensely, and the aro community and the aro label make me happy in a way that I never was when I didn’t have those. I might experience romantic attraction in the future. I might have experienced it in the past. But, ultimately, I cannot relate to the alloromantic experience at all, so either way, I’m somewhere on the aro spectrum, and the ‘aromantic’ identity makes me feel happy, so I’m using it and you physically cannot stop me.

(Obviously, this isn’t a universal experience: many aro people still have the desire to date/marry/have a romantic relationship, many aro people still experience some form of romantic attraction, many aro people may struggle with internalized self hate due to being aromantic or mourn the loss of their pre-planned romantic lifepath, or experience being aromantic in a completely different way. This is just my personal experience, and I wish I’d heard it when I was questioning, so I try to tell it to questioning aros now that I have the chance to do so.)

So, to close, I’ll repeat the same thing I always say to questioning people: ultimately, it’s more important that you’re happy with a label than that it fits. If identifying as aromantic, quoiromantic, or any other arospec identity makes you feel right, happy, or gives you the language to talk about your experiences in a way that you currently can’t, then you shouldn’t worry too much about whether or not the label technically fits, honestly. If IDing as panromantic makes you happy and accurately gives you language to talk about your experiences/describe your feelings, then there may be no need to ID as arospec, even if you fit the definitions. But if IDing as arospec makes you happy or helps you in any way, you can always start IDing as such, even if you’re not sure, don’t entirely fit the definitions, or if you later change your label. 

[fairycosmos]

hey i need some advice... i’m 16 and i just recently realised im bi but atm i cant imagine myself being in a relationship with a girl? or idk even in the future? which i dont know if it sound weird but is making me question myself? i mean.. i still rly like girls in lots ways but i guess wanting a relationship with a girl is really what makes you bi right?? idk :// also.. do you think telling a partner about ur sexuality is important if you’re not out to family and friends? ily pls advise me :’)

hi luv. well first of all you're sixteen and it's extremely common to be questioning what feels right/what you want at that age (i mean it is even as an adult but you get what i mean.) it's not something you have to feel guilty for - there's no wrong gender to be attracted to. i want to stress that for some people labels aren't definitive, they can be quite fluent and change over time. nothing has to be set in stone. if you want to id as bi on the basis that you experience some form of attraction to girls, go ahead. if you want to id as straight because you're just not sure yet, then go ahead. whatever you need, it's okay. coming to personal revelations often takes a lot of time, life experience and personal growth. you may not 'know' until you really live through experimentation, and that's fine. i think the future will naturally resolve your worries for you. you don't have to have all the answers right now. i know it's confusing and frustrating, but try your best to approach the topic from a place of self compassion and not self hatred. have a few honest conversations in your head - how do you feel in the presence of girls, how does the thought of kissing or dating one make you feel, have you ever had a crush on one, would you want to spend your life with one? you don't have to be afraid of what your heart is after. any result is good if it's telling you who you love. try to block out outside influences n focus on what you know inside. i should also note that bisexuality often implies that you don't necessarily care about gender and that you like people first and foremost. that still counts. also the attraction you experience for girls and other genders does not have to feel the same as your attraction to men. the only baseline 'requirement' for being bi is the presence of attraction to two or more genders. if you need a moment to figure out what you that means to you, then so be it. most of us do. it's not always black and white.

to answer your other question, you're not obligated to come out to anyone especially if it puts you at risk of physical or emotional harm. it's not being dishonest, it's self protection n no one's entitled to that info about you. i didn't tell my bf i was questioning when i was 16 bc it had no impact on him whatsoever. if there comes a time where you feel ready to open up to someone then that's great, and im sure you will at some point, but it's totally okay to take it at your own pace. there's no obligation. especially not right now. ANYWAY to summarize, you have all of the time in the world to experience yourself and your sexuality. it's a matter of time, processing your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way and knowing that you're not alone. i don't say that lightly, i mean there are soooo many people in the same boat as you. even if that's hard to imagine. i guess i would just recommend taking it easy, acknowledging the importance of self reflection, and maybe doing a little research to see how other lgbt people dealt with it. i absolutely promise that where you're at right now is simply a stepping stone into a more comfortable state of mind. you're doing so much better than you think you are, and im rooting for you. take it one day at a time. sending a lot of warmth 2 you, i'll be here if you need to talk. 💘

[ace-and-aro-support-group]

ive been questioning if im aroace+lesbian n its Hard. i know i love girls but i dont want any form of romantic or sexual relationship or anything. even in the last relationship i was in, i cared a lot abt them but i know that the affection i was showing was the same way id act towards a close friend. there have been multiple occassions where id dated out of mistaking platonic love with romantic love. ive only ever asked someone out once (and it felt rushed and pressured) n the other (1/6)

occasions include me being asked out + just getting happy that someone liked me. my first relationship i had no interest whatsoever (cause i might be aro combined with the fact it was a guy) n didnt feel anything, causing it to only last a few months. the 2nd one lasted abt a yr and while it was affectionate, at some point it felt like the romance aspect more of an obligation (due to Reasons i didnt feel able to break up), n the one point where we broke up for a day didnt bother me that much other than missing being able to be affectionate without romantic connotations (im a generally rly affectionate person to everyone i care about so i dont think its a romantic thing). the only other relationship lasted about a few days n was also pressured and idk if its just cause it was a lesbian thing (the person being a guy didnt help cause i dont experience any form of attraction towards guys) but just being in it stressed me out. i know id much rather live with my close friends than a wife or anything yet love girls? ideally i dont wanna live with a romantic partner (i used to, but its not of interest to me anymore now that ive been in actual relationships? idk if thats just a ‘i dont wanna date atm’ thing or if im right n its just me realizing from exp that i dont like relationships, but im pretty sure its the latter) n dont wanna date in general n i know that oriented aroaces exist but im not good at trusting my own judgement so im having a rly hard time figuring it out. of course, i dont expect like a 'well you must be ___’ from this cause from previous exp with learning im nb that doesnt rly work, no matter how well they know you, but i was wondering if theres any advice/tips you could give that might help with being able to figure this out? (i always get nervous about possibly using the wrong labels which isnt really a big deal but it makes figuring this stuff out rly hard for me)

~

The biggest piece of advice I can give is to do your research. Not just on the different labels, but reading experiences from other oriented aroace people. Of course not everyone experiences their sexuality and romantic orientation the same way, but it might give you a clue that you’re on the right track if you are able to relate to a lot of their experiences. And as someone who also has troubles figuring this kind of stuff out about themselves, its ok to take your time and to not really know. You might find you dont even like labels, and thats ok. You be you, and if you find a label that you really like one day, then use it. I hope everything works out for you

-Kass

[coolgirl]

hi i’m currently questioning my sexuality (bi but think i may be a lesbian) and need help clearing something up. so if i think a dudes hot (and most of the time they’re celebs but i Have Eyes so i notice people irl too) but MOST LIKELY would not date one... probably wouldn’t but mostly out of a trust issue thing (kinda??? it’s like. theoretical).... like women A Lot am i a lesbian? or is it just a strongly prefer women over men bi thing but still bi nonetheless??

hmm it depends.. a lot on personal experience tbh. for example for me uum i also find some men hot, mostly celebs, and for a long time i fantasized about dating one but it was always for an ulterior motive, like. because they’re rich or famous, because they could do x or y thing for me, and goddd mostly to impress other people.. not for me you know? even now tbh i find myself thinking ‘oh my god that dude is cute.. if i dated him my friends would be so jealous of me…’ but never.. go any further? while with women i really see myself dating them and like. kissing them because i want to or fantasize a lot about meeting “the one” and getting a house together and raising kids and that sort of thing. 

also im not bi so idk if its my place but you can be bi and have a preference for women, but it really depends on how the perspective of dating a man makes you feel. do you actively think of dating a man, or do you feel like its an obligation? is it like ‘omg i want to be with him so badly’ or more like ‘i mean if i HAD TO date him.. it would be okay hes nice and cute’? 

but like..i honestly cant tell you if youre a lesbian or bi because of y or x reasons because everyone is different etc and i dont know you and even if i did, that sort of thing is super personal and its up to you to decide which label feels better, but im okay with talking wheter we’re mutuals/friends/etc  or not, so if u want to like.. vent to me and discuss it more personally im up to it (probably not now bc its almost 6am and im going to sleep but tomorrow sure!)

sorry if anything sounds off or isnt helpful at all im super sleepy rip

[scoutbert]

anon message about 3 things 1) are u gay 2) parlez-vous français 3) canada or america

1. honestly my sexuality is something i have a lot of trouble defining bc in the past i have dated trans boys, girls, nonbinary people, and also cis boys and girls but in the past few years or so ive found myself increasingly unattracted to amab people, and the story basically goes like this: i dated a trans girl for many months and we had sex and i really didn't. it didn't feel comfortable and i really wasn't into it at all. we broke up for different reasons but not being sexually attracted to my partner made me really upset. i loved her a lot as a person and i felt like a bad person for not wanting to have sex, especially bc she loved me and was *very* attracted to me. and then i dated a cis boy after her bc i thought i was still pan, my ideology was "i dont care about genitals! if i like you i like you regardless of what's in your pants!" which held up in theory until i got to the point in THAT relationship where we would go in the bedroom. and again, the whole penis thing. bleh. so idk!! dicks gross me out even though i have interacted sexually with them in the past, but on this site i cant call myself a lesbian without being inclusive of trans women and there's no label for me really. i think trans women should be able to call themselves lesbians and other lesbians are still lesbians if they date trans women but i guess the label doesn't fit me. i dont need a label ig but technically im not gay i suppose?? idk. idk!! Identity politics man. and ive been accused of "reducing people to their genitals" but! sex is fucking important to me!! and my partners didn't deserve someone who wasn't sexually attracted back to them, that was just fucking rude of me and i regret it but i felt obligated bc of the mentality that i would be "reducing them to their genitals" and i was like, 15-17 thru all of this so u can imagine that being in high school with hormones and social media identity politics dicatating my life sure didn't help.2. oui, je parle français- un peu. je suis une étudiante, alors, mon français n'est pas très bien. i want to learn more and become fluent within the next few years though!! c'est une langue belle. ('Langue' is feminine, right?? lmao)3. america! i live in northern rhode island although I have been to québec before. its about an 8 hour drive give or take.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1. i identify as demisexual but im also a questioning bi. i've been questioning my sexuality for several years now. from the age of 12-13 all the way through my late teens. last year, i came to the conclusion that i am bi when i discovered i had feelings for my former best friend who then became my very first girlfriend. we were in a LDR for a while but we are broken up now. after having broken up with her, i went back to questioning & even doubting my sexuality that i decided to go unlabled.

2 i felt like i was too young to have a label & that i should wait till i become more experienced with dating. the thing about me is that im very inexperienced with relationships ( never had boyfriends or girlfriends before ) - which is why i went back to questioning. however, as of recently, i have slowly been leaning towards the fact that i am bi?

3. but i just keep holding myself back from using a label again for the reasons being that im afraid what others will think of me, more specifcally my grandparents. my grandmother is biphobic (or in other words, a bisexual skepic), she's one of those people that believes that old ( & ludicrous ) " you're either gay or you're straight " myth.

4. my grandfather just doesn't believe in LGBTQ+ at all. although my mom assured me that i shouldn't care what my grandparents think, that i am not obligated to come out to them if i dont want to.

5.  its not only that but im always afraid that i may be idk ,,, " forcing " a label on myself? but idk. trying to figure yourself out is a scary & confusing process, & i hope eventually i'll figure it all out in the future. i know for a fact that i am demisexual, but i also really think im bi as well.   ( p.s sorry if my messages are all over the place & misnumbered i had to keep cutting some of my messages down so i could send them since Tumblr has a character limit thing  )

Your mother is absolutely right in that you shouldn’t care and don’t have to come out to your grandparents (or anyone else that you don’t want to). Especially if someone proves themselves to be a biphobic asshole then in my opinion they lost the privilege to know this about you. Your grandparents’ words and “opinions” are causing you not to trust them. That’s not your fault but theirs. They have free will and a choice to be biphobic and homophobic. If they choose that way of thinking for themselves then it’s their fault that you don’t trust them.

But more importantly even: your sexuality does not depend on what other people think of it or “believe in”. Your grandparents can doubt the existence of bisexuality all they want - it won’t change the fact that they are wrong and bisexuality is real. And it won’t change you either.

Also, buddy, pal, friend, kiddo... you say you’re afraid of “using a label”, more specifically the bi label, and then go on about how you are bi, you think you’re bi, you were sure you were bi, you went back and forth, questioning all the time, and always came back to being bi. Honey, you are already claiming the bi label for yourself - you’re just beating about the bush with it. It sounds to me like you want to idenitfy as bisexual and just let outward circumstances hold you back. But all you gotta to do be bi is wanting to identify as such. No further proof needed.

“i also really think im bi as well” - that’s your own words. And those are the only words that matter. If you think you’re bi then you’re bi! You don’t have to have any dating experience. You don’t have to hit a certain age. People can figure out their sexuality at any age and they can do so multiple times throughout their lives. We never stop learning new things about ourselves.

When you claim a label for yourself it’s not like you have to make a promise to the world that this will always be true. Instead you are using a word to describe yourself as you are in that moment - and you can use that word for as long as it feels right to you. It doesn’t matter a rat’s ass if other people think that’s “right” or “wrong” or don’t “believe” in it. They have no authority over your sexuality! Only you can know what your sexuality is. And only you can know when it changes - and if it does change that’s not the end of the world. Permanence is an unrealistic expectation to put onto a human being. It’s human to change so don’t be afraid if your sexuality turns out to be fluid. All that matters is now. And now you say “i also really think im bi as well”. Congrats! You’re bi!

Maddie

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

🌙(1) Hi, ive always identified as bi but im kind of confused lately. Im attracted to all genders, but I dont see myself marrying a man, just bc I want to be w/ someone who understands what it's like to not be a cis man in society. That probably sounds weird but I guess I just dont want to be in a relationship where my partner can only ever sympathize and try to be understanding. I want them to just get what its like on a fundamental level. So its not like I dont find guys attractive, I just

🌙 (2) personally wouldnt choose to end up with one bc he wouldnt be able to provide what im looking for, compatibility-wise. But idk what to call that, because i'm also ace. So it's like, do I call myself biromantic asexual? Homoromantic bisexual? I dont know, I feel like if I call myself bi, people will assume im interested in men. Which, while im attracted to them, im not interested in them. So do I just say im lesbian ace? Tho i'm attracted to NB people as well so idk. I just feel like I

🌙 (3) dont have a label that works. And I know that everyone says labels dont matter, and I agree that if labels dont work for you that's totally okay, but I really enjoy labels for myself, and I really love the bi label, so this whole thing is very demoralizing for me. sorry for the rant! ive just been really self conscious about this lately. ty in advance!

Hey there

I could go over a bunch of options for what you could identify as. But it sounds like you’ve already been considering a bunch. Also you say you really like the bi label. So I’m just going to give you my frank opinion.

You’re allowed to identify as bi. Nothing you have said discounts you from identifying as bi. I think you’re bi! If hearing me say that feels wrong to you, then you should probably identify as something else. Which is your right. But if hearing me say that doesn’t feel wrong, then that’s probably because you’re bi.

Having dating preferences is totally normal. Some POC only date other POC for similar reasons to what you’ve described. Being in a relationship with someone whose experience of the world is completely different from yours, where you are part of a marginalised group that they are not a part of, is a lot of emotional labour. You aren’t obligated to go through that just to prove that you’re bi.

Not everything about how you experience attraction needs to be a part of the label you identify with. And our preferences for who we date aren’t always related to our sexual or romantic orientation either. I have a specific age range that I choose to date within, that does not mean I can’t call myself bisexual because I’m excluding young people and old people of the genders I’m attracted to. I also don’t see myself ending up with someone who doesn’t like Lord of the Rings, but I don’t need to incorporate that into my label either.

All jokes aside, I feel like your concerns are based on fear of what others might think or say. Other people don’t define your sexuality though, you do. Being bi doesn’t make you sexually or romantically available to everyone any more than being hetero makes a woman sexually or romantically available to every man. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. You have the right to identify as bi. You don’t even have to tell people that you don’t date cis men. And if you do tell people and they question how you can be bi, you can tell them that you’re attracted to cis men but you don’t want to date them.

If you’re afraid of offending cis men then you could also tell them that being attracted to women, nb people and trans men counts as bi too. Not all bi people are attracted to men. Bi means you’re attracted to more than one gender. It doesn’t say which genders those have to be.

Max