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atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc · 7 years

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Rant/Review: Detective Conan Movies 1-20 --aka-- Kill the Beast

(And no. I will not be following up on that Bleedman thing from earlier. I tried. I failed…Please do not make me.)

As many of you might already know, I have certain…shall we say, STRONG feelings towards Detective Conan and Case Closed. I both love it and loathe it for reasons that you can see in an earlier little rant of mine where I go over in EXCRUCIATING detail my exact emotions towards this goddamned thing. I ain’t gonna repeat myself, but I will simply preface thislittle thing by reciting just a fraction of my thoughts towards the show so you know: I hate Conan/Shinichi himself, because I think he’s an uncaring asshole, and Kogoro Mouri is a gift because he’s the only character that seems to show at least an inkling of GROWTH which the show doesn’t seem to comprehend. Boom. That’s all you have to know really. I listed off my thoughts, and that should’ve been the end.

Should have being the operative phrase.

Y’see, I guess I’m a bit of a sadistic bastard who is just cruisin’ for a bruisin’, because recently I decided to try something. After watching a couple episodes of Case Closed on a whim, I was…well, horrified by what I was watching. And no, it wasn’t because of the dub. (If anything the dub made it a little bearable because of Moore’s great delivery for every line, but that’s neither here nor there…though some line reads of the other characters were uh…less than stellar.) Everything about it was just…BAD. It could’ve been because I chose the worst episodes accidentally at first, but…it was just DIFFICULT to sit through. I watched a couple more episodes, and it got better but…that first sitting was just so difficult, that I found it hard to remember why it was I liked the series so much as a kid, and why I feel the need to defend it at some points. As such, I decided to take on the Herculean task…of watching all twenty of the Detective Conan movies.

ALL. TWENTY.

(Not including the Lupin III crossover, or the new one about the love letters…but I suppose I’ll end up watching those two out of pure curiosity at some point.)

I spent a good week trucking through every one of these motherfuckers, and let me tell you, IT WASN’T EASY. It was surprisingly difficult. After a while, they start getting repetitious, formulaic, pointless, and even annoying. REALLY annoying. Yeah, you could argue my feelings and thoughts are down to personal taste, and I can just shove my opinion out my ass…but I went in BEGGING for these movies to win me over. I didn’t want to hate them. And hell, SOME OF THEM I DID END UP LIKING. But a good chunk fell into my dreaded expectation for them, and a few even did surprisingly worse in some cases.

I’ve been putting this task off for so long, anyway. I knew, deep down, that I had to see them all. To know if there was any chance that the show had returned to form, or even if there was any form to return to. I told my friends that I kept on thinking back to “The Mob Song” about killing the beast when I decided to do this. The lyrics in particular feeling oddly fitting for what I was about to do. “…It’s a nightmare, but it’s one exciting ride. Say a prayer, then we’re there at the drawbridge of a castle, where there’s somthing truly TERRIBLE inside….See him roar, see him foam, but we’re not coming home till he’s DEAD. GOOD AND DEAD. KILL. THE. BEAST.”

Bit of an…extended metaphor, I grant you, but I can’t just let this beast haunt me.

(And before you ask, yes. The first six movies I watched dubbed, while the rest were subbed to give them the best shot to win me over (because nostalgia), but I’ll try to refer to them as much as I can with their original Japanese names. I may go back and watch them subbed…but I have had to sit through twenty of these goddamned things so don’t expect me to do it any time soon.)

Anyways…let’s kill this goddamned beast. Here. We. GO.

The Time Bombed Skyscraper felt very much like just an elongated episode of Case Closed/ Detective Conan. Granted, a very GOOD episode of Case Closed/Detective Conan, but an episode nonetheless. It’s got everything: twists, turns, bombs, and bullshit. Hell, it actually starts off exactly like an episode of Case Closed/Detective Conan too, with them wrapping up a case with Conan knocking Mouri out. It made me kinda nostalgic towards the series, and briefly reminded me about what I loved about it. Its over-the-top ridiculousness that also remained to be a fun little whodunit of the week. The film itself was consistent with the plot, and remained on a single large mystery with a serial bomber. As to that serial bomber’s motivation after the reveal, it was…eh? It’s a tortured artist who wants to blow all of his works because he’s a perfectionist…and he’s wrapping Kudou into it because…he wants to play a game while he does it? Sure, the mysterious one pulling the string is a fun villain to have, but the villain’s gotta have either an actual good motive, or be so powerful that all these smaller things amuse him/her in order for that to work. The villain fits neither of those, as while he is closest to the latter, he doesn’t actually have build-up to this drastic measure. You’d think he’d start off small with the crimes until he worked his way up ala The Most Dangerous Game or Kraven the Hunter, but no. He just jumps straight to bombs that he just HAS for some reason. This then leads to the main issue with the film. It just leans too heavily on the mystery, without giving much acknowledgment to the characters. Action set-pieces and chase scenes replaced character development and intrigue with the characters, until the end. But by the time you got to the end, while not completely devoid of emotional weight, which I’m gonna give props to the voice actors behind Mouri and Ran in the dub (or Moore and Rachel) for knocking it outta the park at that end scene, it still could’ve had much more of an oomph if we got more time with the characters. Especially with Ran/Rachel, as she spent most of the time with Serena/Sonoko and pining, as per usual. That being said, the ending was still rather tense and touching. While the animation leaves much to be desired, it evens it out with the action scenes, but, as mentioned before, that leaves it with the issue of just being a longer version of the better episodes of Case Closed/Detective Conan. Is it narratively satisfying? Weeell, ish. It does wrap up the bomb plot, but as for where that leaves the characters…save for the continuity of Leo Joel being the father of a character in a later movie, but we’ll get to that when we get to that. It doesn’t do what you’d want a movie to do, which is expand upon these characters and develop them. Make them more compelling. That or else advance the main plot. It had some good moments, but it just was not enough to leave an impression. ((6/10))

The Fourteenth Target taunted me. It gave me the illusion of perhaps breaking down Mouri’s character, with character moments that were surprisingly solid, seeing a younger Mouri and Megure (which was fun as hell to see in brief,) but yeah, it collapsed underneath its own weight. Intriguing moments in the mystery be damned. The motive for the killer was…it sucked. It sucked SOOOOOOOO bad. Like, you think this is an ex-con going after everyone and anyone that Mouri cared about, which can lead to a lot of interesting character moments if they decided to go that direction. But, of course, it never did. It decided that he was only using that motive FOR COVER to kill several other people for a reason so dumb that it makes Lex Luthor from Batman v Superman look like a goddamned GENIUS. The movie showed Mouri be a badass, sure. And I always live for that kind of shit, but it wasn’t worth it in this thing. The animation, due to how early it was made, also looked just…bad. It looked like just a longer episode from season 2 or 3, save for maybe a couple nice shots with a car, but making the bells and whistles pretty, while not even looking at your engine is a piss poor way to make sure your car works, if you catch my drift. (That may seem weird that I give the other a pass on animation, but not this one, but...I dunno. This one felt extra janky to me. I’ll give it a pass all the same, but still.) The only real praise I can give it, save for the other things I’ve stated, was that its narrative was cohesive and it at least had some character moments that keep it from being completely unwatchable. And that really shouldn’t be a compliment, as much as an expectation for any film in general. ((5/10))

The Last Wizard of the Century was so close. I kind of liked it at some points, but it missed the truly great boat somewhere along the line. In fact, I’d hesitate to call this one anything other than passable, honestly. It’s a filler movie that has echoes of a classic Indiana Jones type adventure. And, to be honest, it does that kinda shit REALLY well. The movie has a classic adventure feel after the Kaito Kid heist comes and goes, and when it does, it feels fresh n’ new for Detective Conan. It has fun traps, treasures and a fun little cast of characters, while also having some really solid comedy sprinkled here and there, and even having a legitimate touching moment towards the end when you see what it is the “memories” egg does. But, that all being said…yeah, this movie’s got issues. Chief among them being that the Kaito Kid shit at the beginning feels like a completely different movie from the rest once we get into the Indiana Jones-esque plot. Heiji is brought in, all of those folks who are immediately associated with Kaito show up, and, after Kaito gets shot—the movie flips on a dime. Those characters are never seen from again. That being said, how they worked Kaito INTO the Indiana Jones-esque plot was cool with him being disguised as Shiratori, but that still doesn’t excuse the fact that it was plot whiplash with how little it felt like it connected. Granted, they’re both fun in their own respects, and keeps you interested, but it’s just really jarring. And then…there’s the scene. The scene I always think about when it comes to this show that makes my blood boil. The “reveal” scene. Right at the end, after they’ve been slowly building up that Ran’s been figuring out “wait…Conan might actually be Shinichi” in an honestly interesting way, with just showing her staring at Conan in the background (except for the end where the straw that broke the camel’s back with her is…honestly it’s really weak. They could’ve done something—ANYTHING, but they didn’t and chose…something just completely underwhelming), until the very end where she finally breaks. She’s in tears, begging for Conan to just tell her that he isn’t Jimmy, and after a moment, he thinks to himself, “I can’t do this anymore.” AND RIGHT BEFORE. HE DECIDES TO REVEAL HIS IDENTITY. IT’S A BIG FUCK YOU, AND KAITO SHOWS UP AND PRETENDS TO BE SHINICHI FOR A BRIEF SECOND TO PERPETUATE THE LIE. Narratively, it’s lackluster. Granted, it makes sense for Kaito to do Jimmy a good turn as he took care of his bird, but…BUT THE ENTIRE SET UP FOR THE REVEAL WAS POINTLESS. While what they did was kind of clever, it never amounted to anything. It didn’t go into detail about WHY Conan’s been keeping this a lie, or WHY he might decide to change his mind and tell her. He just sees her cry and is like “eh, fuck it.” Which makes the reasoning as to WHY HE CONTINUES TO LIE EVEN STUPIDER. GAAAAAAAAAAAH....But. That all being said. The movie does still have its moments. The two separate plots, while jarring to watch back to back, are fun, and how Conan breaks the killer down in the Knight Room is REALLY cool in how it’s done. Does it feel like just a long episode? Eeeeh, ish. Again, there are some really cool moments in here that separate it from the regular Detective Conan fair, but not really. Just…fuck me, I hate this Ran and Shinichi will-they-won’t-they bullshit, because the answer is always the same: “…not yet, we’re still milking this sonnuvabitch.” But, overall, it’s passable. ((6/10))

Captured in Her Eyes is weird. For every good thing this movie does, and I do mean GOOD, it also bungles it up somehow. For example, the movie has two REALLY great things going for it. This police thriller mystery, and the amnesia of Ran. Both are tackled in these really serious ways, and suggests a lot of introspection of the characters. As, not only are half of the suspects cops we already know (one of which ACTUALLY HAS HER LIFE ON THE LINE DURING THE ENTIRE MOVIE,) but it also suggests that it’s going to analyze just why exactly Ran has the relationships that she does in the show. Both of them are making you question EVERYTHING about the characters you know. And that is a BRILLIANT fucking concept. And in some respects…it kind of delivers. There are some surprisingly effective quiet moments, some in depth character dissection with none other than my main man Kogoro Fuckin’ MOURI, and a lot of just REALLY well placed tension. But, the show still bungles it in some fashions. There are some tonal heel turns that make you do a double take, and the show never really dives into the one character relationship that it should in great detail: Shinichi and Ran. Ran starts remembering Shinichi first, for some reason, and…it’s never really explained why. Because of…love? But even then, why does she think that she loves him? She’s got no memory of it, so why the hell is she thinking that way? She also lost all of her memories because she blamed herself for the “death” of Sato, but that’s never really fixed, or at the very least alleviated. It should be this GRAND EMOTIONAL MOMENT when Ran comes to an epiphany of the fact that some things are out of her control, and to stand up for herself…but if she did that, that means that the relationship between Ran and Shinichi might be on the rocks, so, yeah. They do NOT do that. I mean, they KIND OF do? But it isn’t in a really STRONG way. Plus…there’s the kids who are…not gonna lie, they’re really annoying this time around. Granted, they do actually ACCOMPLISH something, and it does show Ran’s humanity despite having amnesia, but still. It should also be noted, that this movie DOES have the issue of not addressing the elephant in the room with most of this mystery: CONAN IS A KID. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THE POLICE EVEN HUMORING THIS MOTHERFUCKER DURING SUCH A MURDER INVESTIGATION? WHY WOULD THE POLICE DEPARTMENT SHOWING HIM EVIDENCE?! That and the ending is WAY too clean for my liking. Everything gets wrapped up into a bow just a little TOO well. There should be at least SOME small form of tragedy to transpire after all of this. I mean, especially after we just sat through and listened to the villain go through a monologue about why he did what he did. TO A KID. The ending, save for a couple REALLY cool visuals with the “OH GOD I REMEMBER EVERYTHING” scene, falls flat on its face, in my opinion. Anywho, aside from those MASSIVE issues, this is definitely worth at least a glance if you’re familiar with the series. While it DOESN’T go in the direction you’d like it to go, it does at the very least NOD to it, and it does have an interesting little thriller angle to keep you entertained. It ain’t perfect (surprise, surprise) but it’s definitely got some parts in it that are DEFINITELY worth watching. The question is, is it good enough to stomach through the bad? Up to you. ((7/10))

Countdown to Heaven couldn’t have come a second sooner. Because that–THAT is what I’m talking about! Nice action, solid comedy, and ACTUAL. CHARACTER. DEVELOPMENT. I think I should just emphasize that: ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I know I’ve talked about this point a lot, but in terms of making something that has characters that you give a shit about, you usually need that development to make them more dynamic. And what’s more, they gave development to the KID CHARACTERS. AND THEY WEREN’T ANNOYING LIKE THEY USUALLY ARE! They just acted like kids, and actually had their moments that made each of them shine! That’s IMPRESSIVE, considering the show’s track record! Not only that, but Ai got a LOT of screen time in this movie, as the movie’s plot is partially linked to the black organization, and while I usually find her character to be a bore, this time I actually genuinely felt for her. I gave a shit about her emotional struggle, her need to find a place to call home after all of her shit went up in smoke. It was, overall, so well DONE. Not only that, but the Ran and Shinichi romance thing in this one DIDN’T make me want to gauge my eyes out with a spork! Mainly because THEY ADDRESS THE ISSUE FINALLY. Which is Conan confronting the fact, however briefly, that he is telling everyone to stop lying AND YET HE HAS NO ROOM TO TALK! Granted, this only goes on for…like a couple sentences, but at LEAST they actually talk about it. And even though it does go for that whole “I can’t die without seeing him one last time” bullshit that I usually hate in this show at the end, it kind of works in this movie. Mainly because it’s one of the earlier movies, and they CAN get away with that. Especially when Ran is ACTUALLY DOING SOME BADASS SHIT WHILE SHE DOES IT, AND ISN’T JUST PINING FOR SHINICHI. The mystery itself was pretty fun too. Had your twists, and turns, and even had the black organization in it, and ACTUALLY had them be worth a damn! They balanced both near perfectly, and had a surprisingly good sense of humor to it. My one gripe is the motive of the killer…because it is honestly VERY weak, but I mean, the mystery leading up to it was cool, and I do love me some clues that were LITERALLY in the background that you had to actually look for to find. Also, there is some artsy thing the dude does when he’s mad at the end, when his plan is revealed is REALLY on the nose…but I still liked it, for some reason. Probably because of the lighting of the scene when it happened. That sounds a lot like more of a backhanded compliment than a critique, but goddammit, I really loved this one. I mean, I guess my main issue would be that damn riddle thing at the beginning that they always add, but even THEN it had a point to it, as it brought itself around at the end and basically echoed the theme of the film itself of how far one will go to escape isolation of the mind. Again, not a critique…OH! I KNOW! That title sequence was REALLY dated. That, and there’s this one moment where the music cue just does NOT work at all…yeah, I know that’s a weak thing to complain about, but come on! It brought a smile to my face, and reminded me why I fell in love with the series all those years ago. Over the top 00’s cheese, a fun whodunit, and it even added in what I’ve always wanted to see in the series: a good ol’ dosage of character development. What’s not to love? ((8/10))

The Phantom of Baker Street seems to be following in Countdown’s footsteps in that it’s a movie I can actually recommend. Of all the films I’ve seen thus far, this is one one that seems to be the most cohesive, and the most cinematic. Including Countdown to Heaven. This film’s got everything, from killer lighting, emotional weight, and EVEN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT…albiet from side characters who you never see again—BUT STILL. Ya boi is gonna start counting that shit, as I hadn’t seen that before now. Everything in this film just works…y’know, despite the oddball fuckin’ concept that’s basically SAO and the RDJ Sherlock Holmes’ offspring. It still makes it work. There’s an interesting mystery sprinkled throughout, good tension—and is the perfect example of what happens when you take the issue of showing the criminal in one of these mystery flicks. Whilst the killer was shown in this film as well, the movie didn’t spend more than half the runtime reexplaining the crime to you that you just saw, rather, it splits this mystery, this time being investigated by Kudou’s father in a much quieter fashion than the usual fair, and juxtaposes it with the video game’s mystery that Conan’s stuck in. The parallels between the two are intentional, as you’d expect. And that’s to tackle a THEME. This theme being the always classic “sins of the father.” About the weight that holds, and whether or not you can or should crumble underneath it, as well as, in some respects, you can’t avoid it and they will overwhelm you. The film even takes some jabs against the Japanese culture, to make almost a social commentary about how it treats its own citizens. I don’t know if that’s the work of the dub, or if that was in the original, but it still provided LAYERS. L A Y E R S. That all being said, the film does still have a good chunk of issues. Most of which stem from two things: the premise itself and the twist. The premise is…yeah, you’ve gotta be able to swallow this one if you want to get anything out of it. It’s certainly weird to see Conan and the gang running around Victorian London in an attempt to stop Jack the Ripper, while still somehow being in the Sherlock Holmes universe…in a video game…where they will all die if they all get taken out. Again, it’s a bit of a hard pill to swallow, considering what is expected from movies involving Detective Conan, but if you can do it, it’s great. And then, there’s the twist. The twist both makes a lot of sense…but also no sense what so ever. And that’s the identity of “Noah’s Ark.” While some of his actions add up, at that same moment, none of his emotions or cocky, dickish attitude adds up to what “Noah’s Ark” wanted to accomplish and it felt like he was more or less trying to detriment himself from actually getting friends…There’s also a couple other minor things that bothered me, like the voice acting of one of the characters just felt off. AND I KNOW, THAT SEEING ME COMPLAIN ABOUT THE DUB SEEMS COMPLETELY OUT OF LEFT FIELD, but I’m sorry, Moriarty’s voice sounded more ridiculous than the Moriarty from Sherlock at some points. Either way, it was still a load of fun. Kinda left a lot to be desired in terms of development of the main cast, but it did have fun with its premise, and considering the line-up I’ve seen so far, that’s saying a LOT. In fact, I could see how this film could arguably be the deepest in the franchise with how much it decided to run with the ball. My main gripes, and want for more character, and some of the voice acting is going to drag it down from being my favorite of the series, but it’s damn near close. Who knows? Maybe it’ll just be getting better from here on out? ((8/10))

Or…y’know, not. Crossroads at the Ancient Capital isn’t really a movie about Detective Conan, as much as it’s about Detective Heiji. Which could be fine…if you actually like the character. Which I don’t. I personally find him to be this unnaturally boring know-it-all side character that only works in certain scenarios. Now, on a positive note, this movie can have some interesting aspects to it when it wants to. Specifically, when it goes into the bullshit involving Kyoto’s history, and culture. They never outright explain it to you, but just have it happen and you just observe. Coming from a guy who has never seen that kind of stuff before, it kept me somewhat captivated when it was on screen. And I say somewhat, because the rest of this movie is just completely boring. The mystery is bland, the characters are meh, and they made the cardinal sin of making Mouri come off as annoying. How. Fucking. DARE you. Then, the ending comes and just turns the insanity dial up to 11 with some Naruto action bullshit, which comes completely out of left field. I swear, there are two times in this movie where the show just gives the middle finger to physics, and yet also wants you to believe this is a serious drama. Gimme a break. Also, before I forget, the reveal about who the girl Heiji fell in love with back in the day was BULLshit. It’s supposed to be adorable, but it’s bullshit convenience that actually might not work, considering a newspaper article that’s shown in the movie. And to add onto my hatred of the RanxShinichi, you’ve got a bunch of bullshit with the two in eachother’s arms, which is just…Oi. I know it’s just my contempt towards the relationship, but even then it wasn’t even that well done. Them talking lasts for like…one second, and then he KNOCKS HER OUT. Because OH GOD WHAT IF SHE SEES ME TRANSFORM BACK. Granted, the imagery of Shinichi holding Ran’s knocked out body, while he’s having a near heart attack is a REALLY cool image, but it’s there for a couple frames, so it ain’t exactly worth the sit through. Even if you like Heiji’s character, there’s not a lot to really get in this. He does…basically nothing interesting, character wise, and makes the whole thing this huge yawn fest with a couple cultural tidbits splashed in there to try and distract you from how boring it is. The more I think about it, the worse it gets, honestly. It’s just THAT boring. And no, I’m not doing this because this is the first movie I’ve watched that isn’t a dub. If it was a dub, it’d still have the same rating that I’m giving it now. ((3/10))

Y’know going from Phantom to Crossroads was jarring as hell already. But adding Magician of the Silver Sky immediately after? Lord, this isn’t helping matters. You have one that just has weight and surprising depth behind it, to a snoozefest, to a movie that is basically three episodes smashed together. Magician is just a whole lot of meeeehhhh. Basically you have one part Kaito Kid episode, one part murder, and third part “oh shit, we’ve got to land this plane.” The thief shit ends anti-climactically as it doesn’t go anywhere, and the how and reason for the murder is…it has holes for DAYS, let me tell you. Like if you hate your job with this woman, fucking QUIT. Pride be DAMNED, she’s keeping you from getting more work and advancing your career. You got the name of that Hollywood man, fucking CALL HIM—anyway. The only thing that’s actually anything remotely good is the plane landing scenes…but even then, it turns into an instructional video later, and you end up just NOT caring in the slightest. There are no themes, no character depth, no nothing. The only thing remotely interesting is when Ran just blows up at Shinichi for always just dropping in and out of thin air, and she finally reveals that she “likes him”—I’m sorry, but limiting it to “like” is FUCKING LAME. GO ALL OUT IF YOU’RE GONNA DO THAT—but even then, it’s swept under the rug as Ran thinks that the person she told that to was Kaito…I know I hate their relationship, but come on. But I mean, at least it wasn’t completely boring? ((4/10))

Strategy above the Depths film was…it’s hard to describe. It showed you who the “villain” was right off the bat, but doesn’t nearly show off any good execution as Phantom did, so everything felt…off for a Detective Conan movie. It almost didn’t feel like a mystery, or anything, really. It was more events that just happened. Were the events leading to a central theme? At the time while I was watching it, I didn’t think so. The events felt more like filler, some of which were a pain to get through and made my eyes roll. I spent the entire time trying to figure out what the film was trying to do…that is until the end. This, ladies and gentlemen, was another attempt to make a Mouri movie. And let me tell you, I’m left wanting more again. But, I will give the flick this, it did give me somethin’ to chew on. Mouri wasn’t presented as the village idiot most of the time this film around. Sure, he was a doofus and did make an ass of himself in front of a huge crowd of people, but surprisingly he was acting like an actual detective. Throughout the movie he brought up good points, he analyzed everyone’s alibi, and actually caught the baddie. On his own. Which was amazing. In some ways, it almost reminds me of Crossroads, where the movie mainly focused on a side character, but unlike Crossroads, this time around it’s interesting. Mainly because it focused on what makes Mouri interesting, which is the fact that he isn’t perfect. So when he does figure it out, it’s a mind-blow, as well as being oddly touching in a way. There was a flawed humanity you saw in him, this time ‘round. Granted, there are flaws that keep this thing pinned down. The mystery itself wasn’t mind bending as you could tell who the bad guy is from a mile away, Ran’s “character” left much to be desired, and, as I said, it still had some filler…though on that last point I’ll give it a pass. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the filler contributed to the end of the movie, so it is kind of warranted, albeit it could have been done better and add to a theme the movie could tackle. Was it as perfect as I’d like it to be? No. But it does actually provide some kind of character depth to one of my favorites in the show. And they don’t sugar coat it by making him perfect, he is still an incompetent sonuvabitch, but you see where his heart is, and that he’s just trying. Even at the end, when he’s throwing down with the villain of the movie, he was losing. BAD. It made you tense, you wanted to finally see this man succeed. At least ONCE. And it delivered. There’s some Ran and Shinichi shit in here, but I didn’t mind it, particularly. I…I honestly do not know where to put this. On the one hand, it did what Countdown did, and provided, while not character development, but character depth to at least some degree. It also did the thing that Phantom did and showed the bad guy before the case was solved, so, if they’re going to go that same route, it should still work. However, it was still sloppy in execution. As I’ve said, the mystery, for the most part, was boring as it felt as though the writer didn’t know how to execute tension properly, which Phantom was able to do in spades. That and the filler made this one really drag, even if it was partially warranted. I wanna give this thing praise for actually going that extra mile by giving something that’s character related, but I don’t think it’s earned it in as it never went far enough in that same vein…But it is definitely a movie I’m going to have to see again to get a better feel for. ((5.5/10))

The Requiem of a Detective…or The Private Eye’s Requiem?…I dunno, I keep getting different title names for it, and I can’t seem to figure out which one is the official translation, but whatever. This film provided one of the most PROMISING IDEAS…but dashed it in exchange for maintaining the status quo. I went into this with high hopes, with the firm belief that maybe—JUST MAYBE!—this could be the great movie in this series, as many people have touted it as the best of this movie series. But alas, it ain’t. I’ll forgive the Reboot-esque 3D models, as it was just a part of the time. But what I will NOT forgive, is setting up an interesting dynamic that could really have your characters shine…and replace it with bullshit that we’ve seen over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Ok. So you have this dude who has Kogoro and Conan’s loved ones stuck in Miracle Land with bombs strapped to their wrists. And, in exchange for them solving some riddle/mystery by a certain time limit, those loved ones get to live. So now, it’s a race against the clock as Kogoro and Conan have to solve the case. And, initially, it ain’t half bad. I’ll say it once, and I’ll say it again. Kogoro is my favorite character, and to see him and Conan bounce off each other in that beginning section was REALLY fun. But then, as it progresses, Kogoro is tossed out for Heiji. Then for “totally not Kaito Kid.” And that’s honestly kind of a letdown, as I was hoping to see the two AT LEAST bond. Having the characters, y’know, PROGRESS. BECOME CLOSER?! AT LEAST UNDERSTAND EACHOTHER?! BUT NO! LET’S GET BACK TO THE BANTER BETWEEN HEIJI AND CONAN SOME MORE. IT’S NOT LIKE WE’VE SEEN THAT 50,000 TIMES. And the movie doesn’t even do anything interesting with THEM either. They’re just sort of…there. Granted, maybe this could be fixed with a good mystery? NOPE! The mystery is something I figured out the instant I saw all the clues. There were no twists, there were no turns—it was completely straight forward. And that is the main issue. They’re just repeating themselves in this. Nothing new is said, nothing interesting is had—nothing. To say this was disappointing, is an understatement. But I will give it this, there was actually some REALLY good tension right at the end with the bombs in the restaurant…the only issue, is that it’s right at the end. Only things interesting about this was both that, and Kogoro being awesome with that little note he wrote, and his little 1v1s with Conan. But that lasted for not even a blink of the running time, so yeah. It isn’t savin’ this turkey anytime soon…but I’ll give it .5 points for trying. ((4.5/10))

I was told that Jolly Roger of the Deep Azure was the worst one in the movie series…and I can kind of see why. This movie didn’t insult me, nor was it completely abhorrent, but it still had some reeeeaally obvious issues. Chief among these issues is the whole idea they wasted. You set up two female pirates from the old days, and go on about how they did a bunch of shit, and you put Sonoko and Ran there and say “LOOK AT THESE GUYS! THEY’RE TOOOOOOOTALLY JUST LIKE THE PIRATE GIRLS!” when they do not actually show anything about how they’re related personality wise. If the movie focused on Ran and Sonoko, and we saw their friendship blossom to ACTUALLY WARRANT THE PARALLEL between these two pirates, then sure. Alright. I’ll buy it. But they don’t. If anything, the pirates are just there for background purposes. As well as a lot of the stuff in this movie, honestly. Nothing felt like it mattered. There was a man who died after being CHEWED UP BY SHARKS, and it doesn’t really affect anything in the overall plot. I feel I should reiterated that, a man DIED, and the death’s purpose was…nonexistent. Not only that, but even when it came to the plot, the motive of the killer made a whole lot of sense! AND ALSO. For something that’s supposed to be this GRAND MYSTERY, this INDIANA JONES type shit, why are the puzzles so FUCKING OBVIOUS!? Literally, the old man figured it out with an old map he had…and pointed to the island everyone had been to that looked EXACTLY LIKE A SKULL. GEE. I WONDER WHERE THE PIRATE TREASURE IS?! You mean to tell me that nobody even TRIED to look in there?! Nobody actually BOTHERED to go searching in the dumbass catacombs, and tried BLOWING THE DOORS OPEN?! Or, I dunno, SOLVING THE OBVIOUS AS HELL PUZZLE FOR THE DOOR?! Nothing in this movie added up, and the movie doesn’t seem to CARE that it didn’t add up. Nothing affects anything in the grand scheme. Character moments are non-existent, save for one freak-out moment by Mouri that was brief, and I wanted expanded on, but I never get because why should good things happen to good people? The opening was just…weird, too. Like it had a brief Lupin III thing that was just…there for the sake of being there. Which is another thing, different characters, or things are just brought up and dropped for no real reason, adding to that idea that everything. Felt. Pointless. Why bother telling this story, if there’s nothing for the characters to gain from it, or anything interesting to keep the audience entertained? Only good thing is that this had the best title sequence out of all of the movies, in my opinion. It’s still a chore, especially this many movies in, but with the way it flowed as the characters were interacting in the car, I couldn’t help but think that it felt natural. For once the characters aren’t COMPLETE morons, so I’ll also give ‘em that…well at least for the most part. The killer, who you know who it is the instant he hits the screen with how “not obvious” he is, is a moron. Also, there was something he did that was so distinct that never came into play in the end, again adding to the whole dropping random things. But, backhanded compliments aside, that’s really it with the positives. With no twists, no mystery, no character, and no effort…the only thing going for it is that it didn’t completely piss me off. It just bored me. But, is that innately better, or worse? ((3/10))

FULL SCORE OF FEAR WAS REALLY GODDAMN DUMB. LIKE, Ok. Ok. Lemme breathe. Do not misunderstand me. There are some really, FUCKING REALLY good moments in this thing. Which, in no part, is DIRECTLY linked to the music choice used in this thing. In fact, I’d hazard to say that there is a scene around the middle/end that is probably one of the best scenes I have SEEN thus far in one of these movies, due to how well the music and the scene just WORKED (it’s the Amazing Grace flashback sequence, if you wanted to know.) When it does shit like that, and uses minimal dialogue with the compliment of some of that SWEET classical music, it does take on a life of its own, which makes it a standout among these movies that, to be honest, have started to blend together. BUT. THAT ALL BEING SAID, CHRIST ON CRUTCHES WAS THIS MOVIE DUMB. Like, it’s not dumb on the levels of where it’s so bad that it becomes enjoyable, but more of dumb in the sense of HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS BASIC FUCKING THING WORKS?! LIKE. OK. Ok. First of all. The shit with the phone and calling people WITH YOUR VOICE TO MIMIC THE DIAL-TONE. IS THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. You mean to tell me that you can use the human voice to mimic the dial tone, in the EXACT HERTZ NEEDED, ACROSS A LAKE, WHERE NATURAL SOUNDS SURROUND YOU, AND WHILE THE PHONE IS DANGLING AND SWAYING UPSIDE DOWN WHILE BEING HELD BY THE WIRE—FUCK YOURSELF. NO. NOT HOW THAT WORKS. SECONDLY. SOUNDPROOFING DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. I do not care how much soundproofing shit you shove up the ass of this concert hall, YOU CAN’T MUTE EXPLOSIONS. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE LITERALLY A DICK MEASURE AWAY. BASIC FUCKING LOGIC. And even with some sort of black magic bullshit…YOU MEAN TO TELL ME NOBODY SMELLED THE SMOKE!? NOBODY LEFT TO TAKE A PISS OUTSIDE AND NOTICED “HEY. LOOK. THERE’S A FUCKING WAR GOING ON OUTSIDE.” THIRDLY. DOES NO ONE HAVE PERIPHERAL HEARING?! THERE’S A GUNSHOT RIGHT BEFORE A PERFORMANCE, AND NOBODY APPARENTLY HEARS IT. OK. COOL. FOURTHLY. APPARENTLY, CUFFING A GUY WITH A BOMB DETONATOR ISN’T POLICE PROCEDURE! ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S A GUN HE MAGICALLY PULLS OUT OF HIS ASS FOR THE FINAL CONFRONTATION. GOD. Logical BOUNDS exist THROUGHOUT the second half of this movie. Fuck jumping the shark, we’ve jumped that shark’s entire family LINEAGE with this shit. And when your show is based off of “one truth prevailing” and how logic can always see its way through…yeah, no. Go fuck yourself. I will give the movie this, the first half of this movie ain’t half bad. It has some surprisingly solid comedy, and the beginning of an interesting delve into an actual FIGHT between Ran and Shinichi which peers into their relationship…BUT BECAUSE LIFE HATES ME, THE SECOND HALF JUST BUNGLES THAT LAST PART UP. Like, REALLY?! Your response is “oh look there’s a parallel between this guy who could never forgive his best friend for…being a pretty decent dude, honestly. Like think about it, that motherfucker basically gave you a music hall for being his best friend, and even though it was making you depressed, rather than saying ‘y’know, imma sell this property and go back to what makes me happy,’ Imma blow you all to hell…to Shinichi calling you an idiot.” Like, yes. I get it. Forgiveness is important. BUT NUMBER ONE, THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOESN’T DESERVE IT, SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING YOUR AUDIENCE THIS—granted, this isn’t the WORST thing Shinichi’s done, but the fact that it ends with Ran saying “you didn’t even have to apologize for me to forgive you” or something along those lines just made me fucking SICK. CHRIST. I HATE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH A BURNING PASSION BECAUSE IT COMPLETELY MAKES NO SENSE AND IS DAMN NEAR THE DEFINITION OF A LEECH….Fuck me. It does have some things that save it from being the downright worst I’ve seen outta here…but Christ was this dumb. ((4/10))

I remember watching The Raven Chaser years and years ago, and I just have very vivid memories about how it just pissed me off. So, coming back to it, I was dreading watching it. But, to my pleasant surprise…it wasn’t half bad. Honestly, it is one of the better Conan movies I’ve seen thus far. It had some solid action, solid tension, cool mystery, and the introduction to a REALLY cool Black Organization member who was, and as of this day from what I’ve seen, the most effective at his job, as he both infiltrates a band of cops during a serial killer investigation, and also is able to find out Conan’s actual identity…in the first 45ish minutes of the movie. The only issue with that is…he doesn’t do anything about it for a good…like hour. Whilst that could be seen as driving tension…it really isn’t. How? Well, ok. Lemme ‘splain to you you ‘bout a little thing in cinema called the “show-the-bomb” trick. There’s this old cinema belief that Hitchcock used that was deemed extremely effective when it came to tension. Basically, you show the audience a bomb underneath the table, pan up, and through that single shot, you just have them talking, without them noticing that a bomb is right underneath them. That immediately creates tension throughout the scene. And whilst that could possibly be what this movie was going for, with showing the audience that someone knows about Conan’s identity to create tension as they WAIT for something to come out of it in anticipation, it doesn’t exactly work in this scenario because, unlike the “show-the-bomb” trick, you know it’s going to go off in a certain set amount of time. And even though you’re shown that the hidden organization member MIGHT have told Gin, nothing comes of it. There’s no suggestion to the audience that his life, or the lives of his loved ones, are in any danger, save for the way a couple sentences are phrased early on. But that’s mainly because the focus shifts. I’m finding that to be another real issue with these movies. A lack of focus. They try to do two things at once, rather than trying to one and balancing it well. The only exception being Countdown and Phantom. Countdown didn’t try to put too much on its plate, as it focused on Ai’s character development, and how it played on her fears of being alone, which was partially mirrored by the killer of that film being someone who had the only real stability in his life be taken away from him. As for Phantom, it actually DID manage to balance two separate mysteries, but it was able to do so through proper pacing and tension while also showing a character go through a kind of arc. The Raven Chaser tries to pile on two separate mysteries, without actually going in depth with anyone’s character. Again, the movie is good. The mystery was fun, and the organization preceded to be kickass in this version…But it’s JUST good. Nothing spectacular. It could have been so much more if they’d just dropped the mystery for once, and actually had something that went into Conan’s goddamn character. You give me that movie, and I’ll finally be happy…but something tells me that I won’t, will I? ((6.5/10))

The Lost Ship in the Sky… Riiiiiight. This a weird one, to be sure. I mean…where do I even begin? Do with I start with how it’s first 15 minutes were the worst I’ve seen come out of one of these movies thus far? Do I start with how damn near wasted a fantastic concept of Ran thinking that Shinichi was Kaito Kid was? Do I start with how this film had the most badass villains I’ve seen come out of these movies thus far with their little homage to Die Hard? Or do I start with the astonishing fact that this is the first time I’ve ever actually LIKED Kaito Kid’s character, when he was placed next to Conan for that little bit they had? Let’s start with that one, because I REALLY liked that part. For what little time these two shared in screentime, they SOLD. Their dynamic was lightning fast, and was damn near flawless when compared to how boring it usually is. Call me nuts, but I prefer Kaito Kid like that. Vulnerable, and slightly airheaded, while still remaining to be at the top of his game through sheer luck. Accompany that with Conan’s hard-nosed personality, and you’ve got a fantastic combo. And do not get me STARTED with how great and intimidating these villains were. They got down to business, played no shit, and were just fun to watch muck around with the characters. And that, my friends, is probably where the compliments stop. Because while those things are fantastic, and I will not stop singing those praises…yeah, it still screws up at some points. Mainly with something that I really wanted to see delved into that was completely sidetracked: Ran thinking that Shinichi is Kid. THAT is an idea that I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and I’ve always thought it could give some new perspective on their relationship. How WOULD Ran react if she’s shown that Shinichi is actually just a thief all this time that he’s spent lying to her, and claiming he was on important business? Well, unfortunately, that’s never delved into. We get a hint, but it reverts to, at the end “Shinichi, you need to turn yourself in!” which feels…completely weird in terms of her character? Like, I get that she has a rigid moral code and all, but the movie itself never really explores that idea of what would make her tell the “love of her life” to…go to jail. Like…that feels like a waste to me, y’know? I mean granted, it does end with Ran kissing Kid, which was fun for me because I THRIVE ON SHINICHI’S PAIN, but it wasn’t really worth it. Also, the sound design in this one was particularly off. At some points, the music cues are just…bad. That music does not fit with that. Stop, for the love of god, please stop. All in all, definitely one of the more entertaining Detective Conan films. I did find myself getting giddy at points…only to get disappointed because what I was getting giddy over never came, but at least there was SOMETHING. It’s no Crossroads, but it certainly ain’t no Countdown either. ((6/10))

Quarter of Silence is surprisingly relatively solid, looking back on it. It was a smaller piece about a tiny town, and this intricate lie that these folks within in it have built, and how it’s all crumbling around them the instant that a little boy miraculously awakens from an eight year coma. That in and of itself is a killer set-up, and it lends itself to echoes of thrillers and crime movies that BEG to be told…but this is Detective Conan we’re talking about, so that doesn’t happen. As I said this was a RELATIVELY solid movie. It still falls into the pitfalls of what makes Detective Conan movies what they are. They focus on the wrong items, and choose to play into these tropes that they themselves are beating beyond death itself, rather than expanding upon these ideas, and exploring what they’d mean for our main characters. They mention this in passing, but the kid who awakens from a coma is now eight years older than he used to be, and now he’s in this state of shock where he doesn’t recognize anyone anymore, and doesn’t fully know how to handle this sudden time jump. That’s a VERY OBVIOUS parallel to Conan and Ai’s situation. So what do they do?! They save it for a small freak-out scene, where the character TELLS US his situation, rather than SHOWING us, and Ai makes the VERY BLUNT COMMENT about the parallel. That’s it. Never expanded upon. Because FUCK YOU for wanting depth. The film chooses, again, to focus on things that we’ve already seen done to death. The kids, Kogoro wanting a girlfriend, Ran not liking that, the quiz shit with Agasa, banter between Ai and Conan that doesn’t accomplish anything, Sonoko pestering Ran about her obsession with Shinichi, Ran PINING for Shinichi, and blah, blah, blah. With such a lack of variety, it leaves you staring at the screen and BEGGING for something to fucking HAPPEN. Luckily, the movie provides some solace. Some shots are downright gorgeous, and the action scenes ain’t too shabby. Hell, the cold open, pun not intended, was REALLY great this time around…until it cut to an action scene. The mystery, again, is pretty fun. Giving off an almost Fargo-esque vibe to the homegrown murderers that are either trying to cover it up to maintain normality, or fueled by greed. When it does that, it’s fun. Which is to say…when it doesn’t focus on Conan and his group, the movie is actually pretty competent, while still lacking. I feel like that says a lot about how the movie likes to treat its main cast of characters… ((5/10))

The Eleventh Striker was just weak. There was nothing character wise. The editing was godawful. It focused on these soccer pricks, and they didn’t even amount anything in the grand scheme. And then there’s this celebrity soccer player that’s plopped in there just for kicks (pun not intended.) He’s just there! Playing soccer with Conan while a shitty pop song plays halfway through the movie. Because…fuck you. Characters that are brought in are dropped, and never resolved. The main characters themselves are really just…bad, this time round, save for the end. Ai is…ok, remember when I said I finally liked her character? Well this movie made me reconsider that fact, because she’s fucking…WEIRD. She does things to Conan…for…reasons? Unexplained reasons, specifically. Ran is…I’m not even gonna say she was there, that implies that a character with that name was there, which there wasn’t. There was a cardboard cutout that didn’t contribute in the slightest except for as a damsel in distress…AGAIN. Y’see, a reason I loved and still love Countdown, is the fact that Ran wasn’t a goddamn damsel in distress. She got shit DONE. She saved Conan’s ass. SEVERAL TIMES. Here…she does nothing, except for accidentally sit on a bomb. Wheeeeeee. Slight props I will give to this thing, there was no stupid joke made by Sonoko about “OH SHINICHI” to taunt Ran, which has been in every movie I’ve seen thus far…and it’s gotten old. REAL quick. Like I got tired of it 3 movies IN kinda old. So to see a movie NOT do that was…a relief to see. Kogoro was pretty solid in this movie, showing that there’s an actual human behind the drunkard, but, again, I’d like more. ESPECIALLY in this one. As the motive of the killer links himself to something that Kogoro did in the past, and yet it’s never gone into. It’s not explored on an emotional level. Whilst the motive behind this killer’s shtick is pretty solid, and had a couple REALLY nice things goin’ on at the end with visuals, with the guy kinda going insane with grief, the movie fails to really go into that in detail and, frankly, doesn’t match up with the shit he DOES. He wants Kogoro and the fans of a soccer team to suffer for accidentally letting a kid die…THEN WHY NOT ATTACK KOGORO SPECIFICALLY?! MAKE HIM SUFFER AS HE HAS SUFFERED BY, OH I DUNNO, GOING AFTER HIS DAUGHTER?! OR HIS FRIENDS?! You wanna go after the soccer fans—BUT HALF OF THEM WEREN’T EVEN THERE, YA DIPSHIT. FUCK, THAT’S DUMB. Conan points out it’s stupid and, yeah. It’s REALLY fucking stupid. Granted, one could argue he’s in an emotional state—BUT HE’S BEEN PLANNING THIS ELABORATE SHIT FOR MONTHS. YOU TELLIN’ ME HE DIDN’T ONCE STOP TO CONSIDER—hey. Maybe it’d be better if I went after this douche specifically, as some of these folks I’d be killing would have NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Again. It’s a really cool motive. Emotional, wraps around to his lost passions of soccer, and shows that his one tie to humanity has been severed. It’s a rad concept. I LOVE THAT CONCEPT. THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE ZEMO IN CIVIL WAR, BUT IT DOESN’T WORK HERE. BECAUSE THE PEOPLE HE’S TRYING TO KILL WILL NOT BE AFFECTED. AND YOU’RE LETTING KOGORO PLAY IN YOUR GAME, RATHER THAN ACTUALLY GETTING REVENGE BECAUSE…FUCK. I’ve changed my mind. I was going to give it a higher score, but no. No, no, no, no, no. This movie was STUPID that somehow gets worse the more you think about it. It had some cool shots, but at least Full Score had music to make up for its short comings. HOTDAMN was this one just a chore. And that after credits scene was a big middle finger, too. Go to hell. ((3.5/10))

Private Eye on the Distant Sea definitely reminds me a lot of Captured in Her Eyes as being this mixed bag, which is surprising, as I thought going into this that this was going to be the worst movie of the bunch, as it was listed as such by several websites. But I can safely tell you that it very much ISN’T. It’s also not the best either, and it has more bad than good unlike Captured in Her Eyes wich was more good than bad, but I’m gonna get to that. I do want to mention that, for the most part, this felt like a goddamn propaganda piece. Like, do you remember why I was impressed with how brutally honest Phantom was in its commentary about the Japanese education system? Well, FUCK THAT! Here we’re giving the navy the good ol’ military salute it DESERVES. I didn’t think it detracted from the film, as I mostly found myself chuckling about it, and thinking back to how some really, REALLY terrible movies from America do the exact same goddamn thing, but, much like those American films, when they do that, the showboating (pun not intended) delays the plot in more ways than one, and you leave your audience just waiting to go for a good chunk of the movie. And honestly, that’s the worst crime you can commit. Like, suck the dick of whatever military branch you want, they deserve it, and all the power to ya, but if you’re in a movie format, then goddammit, at least have it flow. The environment itself wasn’t really anything to write home about, either. When I think back to the film, I remember how boring and uninteresting that setting was, which was odd, considering how much it felt like it was supposed to be doing the opposite with its never-ending praise of the navy. As for the mystery…it was actually really good. The reveal of who killed the man with one arm is honestly very well motivated, and is really fun to try and pin down, especially when it isn’t completely telegraphed, and there was a legitimately well placed red herring throughout. To the point, where you honestly believed the case was over, only to have the tables turned on you. There are also a couple really good moments in this movie, and surprisingly well done comedy—especially towards the beginning. But, that being said, the movie does have its fair share of issues. And lord almighty, are they issues. First and foremost of them being that film, logically, has no real reason to take place. There’s a spy aboard this ship, and they know that this spy is aboard this ship, and yet, despite this being a military vehicle, and, again, A SPY THAT COULD REVEAL INTERNATIONAL SECRETS THAT ARE ON THIS SAME BOAT, they let on tourists because…well that’s not really explained either. There are several times where I was left scratching my head, and wondering why the hell the boat hasn’t turned around already. ESPECIALLY considering that the boat had an APPENDAGE OF A DEAD MAN ON BOARD. BUT NO! WE MUST MAINTAIN COVER BECAUSE…yeah. Logic for set-up is very RARE to find in this movie. Maybe the Japanese military is more lax than US military, but I don’t buy for a second that a boat with that much important shit on board, and with a spy also on board, would just make rounds around the sea for no reason. ALSO. WHY WOULD THEY JUST LET CIVILIANS IN THE ROOM WHERE THEY PLAN OUT THEIR SHIT?! ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S A WOMAN MISSING. GET THE CRYING CHILDREN OUT, SO YOU CAN FUCKING CONCENTRATE. CHRIST THAT BOTHERED THE EVER LOVING PISS OUTTA ME. There’s also the little issue of the final act being unnecessary. Granted, it does provide some really good emotional moments with Conan, which is REMARKABLE TO SEE, seeing as how for the longest time I’ve found it so difficult to see him actually show any genuine emotion towards Ran, that to see him actually break down into tears, if only for a second, was a NIIIICE change of pace. But that in itself contains a small issue, of the reason WHY Ran (who is the woman drowning in this scenario, btw) came from the brink of death. The power of love. And THAT is bullshit. This ain’t a goddamn fairy tale, this is Detective fucking Conan. If you’re going to have her life rescued, have it be with Conan using logic, or hell, SOMEBODY using logic. Granted, they HALF did, but that’s not what TRULY saved Ran’s ass in the end. That was one true love pulled out the ass of a unicorn bullshit. The good parts in the movie DO keep it from just completely crashing and burning, but I ain’t gonna lie, the bad parts do keep this thing anchored to the bottom of the sea. ((4/10))

The Dimensional Sniper. To quote from the movie itself…”OH CHRIST.” I can’t even properly DESCRIBE to you the amount of unintentional enjoyment I derived from this fuckin’ thing. Specifically because of the AMERICAN “ACTORS” THEY GOT IN THIS SHIT. MAN OH MAN. WERE THEY BAD. But in that so bad, it’s fucking GOLD sort of way. IT’S HILARIOUS. It’s has to be seen to be believed. Anywho, much like the other movies, main supporting characters are dropped. Like Mouri. And Megure. But, y’know, it at least keeps the characters who are SUSPECTS from disappearing unlike some other movies I’ve seen thus far. Plus, the amount of just STRAIGHT CHEESE that the series is INFAMOUS AND JUST FAMOUS for is on FULL DISPLAY HERE. It gives the middle finger to physics several times, and doesn’t give a damn what you have to say about that. And…lord, I’m sorry, but I can’t just stop talking about these voice actors. There was a dude who sounded like a watered down Soldier 76 who yelled “YUH-YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU” at the top of his lungs, and I had to pause the movie because I was laughing so hard. Add to that the fact that they’re trying to make this American Sniper-esque story, because I’m guessing the screenwriter or director watched that movie the night before and churned this out without knowing how the military in America WORKS, which is on full display when it comes to the scheme that set the killer into motion…coming from a kid from a military town, it’s either the most insulting thing I’ve ever seen, or the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m gonna say the latter. Especially when the actual killer is this…I don’t even know what to call him. The amount of homoerotic undertones are so paramount they become OVERTONES. It’s obviously unintentional, but it’s there. And it’s HILARIOUS. ESPECIALLY with that fucking “acting” going on. When I jokingly say “anime is a sin,” this is definitely what I’m thinking about. But you can’t help but just enjoy the “sin” and all of its glory. It’s like a movie interpretation of “Devil’s Food Cake.” It’s completely unhealthy, but hotdamn is it a good time. The film also helped by the fact that the action in this piece ain’t half bad. It’s pretty solid, for the most part, surprisingly. Though the characters are, surprise surprise, severely lacking. The ending is the stupidest and funniest thing I’ve seen in a while, especially when Ran does her equivalent of a Gurren Lagan speech. There were also two characters that were apparently regulars who I wasn’t familiar with, Sera and Okiya. No clue as to who they’re supposed to be since I haven’t been keeping up with the show as it is...y’know 800+ episodes. But from what I’ve seen in here…meh, they’re Ok. I mean…Sera is basically a female Heiji, but with a more tolerable attitude. And Okiya was…a character? I think? I dunno. Point is, this movie was unintentionally funny as hell. Definitely among the so bad it’s good territory. As such, this is going to get the low, low, LOW ranking it deserves, but just know that this is one that I’d actually recommend…though not for any reason the filmmakers were hoping for, I assure you. ((3/10))

Sunflowers of Inferno was just plain generic. It does all the rounds you expect it to, what with this being a Kaito Kid vs movie–which is a thing, if you haven’t noticed. And, similar to that of what I’m noticing of these later movies, it’s just sort of there. It lacks any sort of point except for “HEY! WE MADE AN EPISODE LONG ENOUGH TO BE A MOVIE!” But, anyway, as something that is just dumb fun…it’s Ok. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s certainly lacking. Take the character development. You have these “seven samurai” (which is a fun little reference and cool ass name to-boot,) who are these curators who are keeping these van Gogh paintings safe. And then, when fit hits the shan, it’s revealed that there is a traitor amongst them. Later on in the movie, one of the characters is revealed to have a dark past, and having apparently shot his brother over these paintings, which we see in one of the coolest scenes in this movie. But, at the end of the day, it doesn’t even matter. He has NOTHING to do with the point at hand. The ACTUAL “Judas” in the group is some underdeveloped bitch that makes the killers from every other movie look like a GENIUS. The killer is surprisingly underwhelming, and the twist of who it is comes out of nowhere…mainly because it feels completely tacked on. The development of these “seven samurai” is lop-sided, and not well handled in the slightest, save for Charlie and the “other traitor,” who technically isn’t a traitor, but even then it wasn’t that well telegraphed as to how ANYONE could figure it out. I’m not saying tell your audience “THIS IS THE GUY,” but at least make some REFERENCE to it so that way it can blow your audience’s mind when they see it. (Not saying the second dude who is doing it’s well hidden, he’s not. But who he actually turns out to be is…this sounds really confusing, probably, and I’m going to stop while I’m ahead.) But I will say, I dug the shit out of Charlie during this movie, mainly because he was tired of Conan’s shit. Then there’s the treatment of Conan’s “harem.” *shudder* Ran continues to be that character who, while she can kick your ass, only does it at the orders of some guy she’s in love with. Bit of a stretch from the badass I remember from the show, and Countdown. As for Ai…ok, after Countdown, I finally fell in love with her character. She finally grew on me. BUT, she’s also seemed to have turned into this woman PINING for Conan’s affection, despite knowing she’ll never have it. And…honestly, the show isn’t giving me much room to not think that Conan and Ai are right for eachother, when Conan shares more secrets and is more personal with Ai than Ran, who he CONTINUES TO LIE TO…got a bit off topic there, sorry. But anyways, Ai is reduced to also pining for Shinichi, despite actually having a more in-depth character than that. She uses her brains to think through a situation, and has often had to pull Shinichi out of the fire…so to have her sit on the sidelines this entire time and not contribute to the plot feels…pointless. Anyways, yeah. There are a couple cool scenes in the movie, despite my complaints, and there were some characters and moments I did enjoy. Lookin at YOU, Charlie. You magnificent bastard. But otherwise, meeeeeehhhhh. ((4/10))

The Darkest Nightmare was less of a dark nightmare as much as an alright daydream. There were cool action scenes, fun interludes, and probably one of the best endings to one of these movies that I’ve EVER seen with them killing off a character in a badass way after SOME ACTUAL FORM OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I’m tellin’ ya, it is a thing of beauty for these movies. FINALLY we see that the hero can’t have his cake, and eat it to…only, it’s not the main character. It’s a side character they JUST introduce to add some intrigue. Ran is given the wayside for a really just pointless reason, and Mouri is just plain WASTED as he’s relegated to a background piece, and nothing really matters in the long run. The Organization are actually kind of FUN in this, as they aren’t completely and utterly incompetent, AND ACTUALLY APPEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME IN, WHAT…7 MOVIES?! But, again, it’s still underwhelming as it falls into the pit of actually having no REAL stakes in the matter. There’s no tension throughout this entire thing, until the very end with the ferris wheel. Granted, that scene is pretty fun, but because you have no real emotional connection to what’s going on, it doesn’t actually matter. Even the character who has amnesia suffers, as while she was the one who actually got character development, you don’t really care. Her development is, honestly, kinda sloppy as it reminds me of a lesser Captured in Her Eyes attempt, only now it’s the old “oh, I have kid friends now. So maybe…I shouldn’t be killing people!” cliché. Again, the end is pretty fun, even though there is one REALLY STUPID THING IN IT INVOLVING A HUGE SOCCER BALL, but you have to get through the rest to get it. OH, and before I forget, all of this will no doubt impact the characters…not. ((5.5/10))

–

AND THAT’S GAME, LADIES AND GERMS.

All twenty FUCKING Detective Conan movies. Not including the ovas, the 21st film (which I heard may already be out?? But as the time I’m writing this, I couldn’t find it,) and the Lupin III crossover.

I sat through all of these fuckin’ things, and let me tell you…I think I see the main issue with this show. I know I kind of touched on it in my previous rant, but it didn’t feel right, y’know? Like I was missing those exact words in which to properly pin down what exactly about the show felt wrong. Through these flicks, though each had its own set of problems, they all had the same large pressing issue that towered above them.

They leave you wanting to have seen more.

They come close, but save for two times, they swing and miss. Over and over. These movies don’t actually feel like movies for the most part. They feel like longer episodes with no real weight or baggage. A criticism of the show, and I agree with it, is that it’s basically INFINITE filler. The show doesn’t give a shit about its characters. All it cares about is the mysteries. In fact, you could argue that it’s very similar to the way in which a police procedural functions, with the focus not being relegated to the cops on the case, but the case itself. Only this show thinks that on subconscious level that you honestly do not give a shit about the cops investigating the case, as much as the case itself, so it doesn’t focus on it. The characters become lesser, and more of pawns in which to move the plot forward. This then leads to the question of, if your creator doesn’t give a damn about the characters, then why should your audience? Why should we care about wanting to see Ran and Shinichi back together? Why should we give a shit if Shinichi’s identity ever came out, especially if we haven’t seen those consequences to think Kudo’s worst fears might ever happen? Why should we think of the black organization as a threat if you’re not going to even address them for seven years in the show and the movies? Why do we care about Sonoko? Why do we care about Heiji? Why do we care about the kids? Megure? Sato? Takagi? Ran? Over the course of all these movies, there have only been two that I’ve actually cared about: Ai and Mouri. And that’s because both actually got some inkling of development, and they actually show at least a fraction of complexity to their respective characters. What’s more, I mainly got those moments from the earlier movies, when it felt like they had idea about where they wanted to go. But the more the franchise pressed on, the more the characters became caricatures of themselves…though I suppose that’s going to happen when you beat a dead horse for roughly 20+ years.

Final thoughts. This show continues to perplex me, and I think it always will. It’ll never do what I want it to do, but I just can’t help but hope. I want to see these characters finally change. I want consequences for actions. I want tension. I want intrigue. I want BASICALLY ANYTHING that suggests narrative competency. Twenty movies in, and I have two truly good movies to show for it. And it doesn’t look like it will be getting better any time soon…god damn this show…

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