#but im also envisioning the worst possibility in which its someone getting off to how i interact with their oc

[shdwtouch]

not me openly admitting that shade lowkey takes after me. this was not intentional, I swear. uwu; she kinda just... ended up with an extra dose of who I am as a person, whereas most of my original characters receive much less.

I realized this when considering that shade is most likely homo leaning. and I was like, haha she's just like me ! an enby ace lesbian... and then the similarities just kept getting drawn. idk maybe I'm just overly tired.

also like. not gonna apologize ? she really isn't a self-insert. but its also like... creators are allowed to put themselves into what they make ! and I'm proud of shade, I really am. so I won't be made ashamed for traits we might share.

[ottiliere]

Do you have more possible backstory on psych ward Dirk?? Cause im in love with the idea so much (& am projecting so hard)

have been thinking about this a lot. hi.

I always envisioned dirk being raised by beta bro in this au for many reasons but mainly because 1) trailer park rat dirk is vital 2) abject poverty vital 3) isolation and severely abusive caregiver in the confined environment that you call your home is vital. all of these things helping to breed mental illness like an agar plate.  

in my mind i think about the disparity between how bro would've treated dave vs dirk in a way that reflects dirks canonical hatred for his splinterselves.if dave grew up with bro then he probably ran away pretty early, maybe when he was 13, to go live with rose... bro having viewed him as a little pet project with some form of condescending fondness. shaping him in his image whether it be unconscious or not. and with dirk it's like. accident baby from a one night stand he gets stuck with. not that dave probably also wasn't that too. but dave came with a certain kind of novelty? whereas bro would think of dirk exclusively in terms of his inconvenience and shortcomings in comparison to himself. he wouldn't care at all where he actually tried A LITTLE with dave. I think simply the IDEA of having to get another baby though "baby" years would ruin all chances he had of treating dirk in any positive way whatsoever.

i envision bro never buying food for them or keeping it in the house. dirk would subsist on reduced school lunches and digging through the garbage at school for food to take home, otherwise he wouldnt be able to eat. and summers would be the worst because hed have to do this in public places in sweltering texas heat. this would warp his mind i think and is also the foundation as to why i envision him having pica. he'd eat A LOT of weird things, just from a very young age, due to being consistently starved. he’d eat the glue in kindergarten. he'd eat the paper and have a fondness for different kinds and brands. he’d rank construction paper and computer paper and notebook paper in his head. he’d try to eat crayons but wouldn’t like the waxy texture and how it sticks to his teeth. he'd suck on markers. he'd steal the ones from class and break them open to pull out the full... i dont know the word for it. theres like a flexible tube in there. and if you cut it open and run it under water it makes like a slightly tinted ball of fluff if you tear it all off its casing (i would do this all the time). he would just pull this out to suck the ink out of it more easily.... chew on it a little once its empty.  probably eats whatever bro has lying around. which is likely very dangerous for a child lol. miraculous he even survives toddlerhood... but the same could be said for canon i think.

kids would not be nice to dirk. i think his clothes would be dirty all the time. and i think this is where his habit of really long showers would come from. he’d try to wash his clothes with body soap because he wouldn’t know how to use the washing machine/wouldn’t be tall enough to use it. and bro wouldn’t do his laundry. obviously.

I think he’d have a fixation on capturing animals and bugs. i like the idea of him capturing things and then keeping them and starving them and watching them waste away. i imagine he has a fascination with resistance and will to escape, watching that specifically fade away in things. detatched from the situation to the point that what he’s doing is hardly really even sadistic. he’s just an observer.

after finishing/dropping out of high school he would become a wageslave. night stocker. he would have to have extremely limited hours because it basically builds pressure in his brain every minute he’s there....like the idea of him working a back end job with minimal social interaction and still hating every second he has to talk to someone. he routinely envisions throwing himself in the baler. he would want his death to be as obnoxious as possible   probably at some point he did do mechanical work but i doubt he’d last long in a job like that because his attitude is so rancid. 

RE: ALPHA DAVE

dirk has never met dave but I think he knows he's related to him and I think he spent most of his childhood fantasizing about him and being "saved" by him, mainly regurgitating cyclic thoughts of movie parents onto this idealized version of him in his head. "this is what it's going to be like," he thinks. he is obsessed with him. he is his first celebrity crush and his dream father and his best friend. he is so undersocialized that he can never tell these ideals from each other; he was never taught to make the distinction. he will never meet the guy he's imagining that guy doesnt exist and no one will ever exist like him. and when he's young that's ok, because he can fantasize and dream about dave swooping in one direction wattpad style and saving him somehow. but the older he gets the angrier he'd become at the world for always being stuck with the shortest shittiest stick, ever, always. like even the other people in his poverty-stricken slumhole have family and friends. in adolescence this begins to coagulate in his mind along with his plummeting self-esteem and knowing innately that even if dave met him he would hate him like everyone else and he loses the ability to fantasize about it anymore because that's just reality to him at that point. like actively fantasizing about it makes him feel WORSE because it's like lying to himself

he would fester. like. i want him to be obsessed with dave hes projecting every father mother brother issue hes EVER had in his life onto this man who (he thinks) doesnt even know he exists. years pass and his resentment towards dave grows. the hope in the fantasy melts away as he realizes this guy just doesnt care about him at all anyway... but hes still cemented in his mind as this lionized figure. he's still a centerpiece but he's disgusting now. he'd form a complex "you think you're so much better than me" just so so angry wants to ruin him

^the only unironic entries in his journal.

in summary... I like to imagine that dirk’s life was just so legitimately horrible and he used dave as a mental security blanket for so so long that coming to the realization that this guy doesn't give a shit about him and is NEVER coming to "save him" would exacerbate his mental illness x1000.

we have toyed with the concept of dave knowing that dirk has existed his whole life and trying to make contact when he's an adult WAY too late way after he's been fucking broken by life would make him explode I think. but this post is already too long to talk about that. thanks for reading everyone

[rcsefleur-blog]

hi all !! this is an introduction to my freshest muse and newest baby yeo eunchan otherwise and more commonly known as ‘chan’, he’s a sweetheart but of course because its me and i can’t resist giving my muses slight torture, he’s a tormented sweetheart. if you look at his pinterest here you’ll get an idea of his style better since that’s pretty essential to him as a muse in this case hshd. below the cut you can find out a bit more about him and if you hit the like, i’ll be sure to throw him at you for plots !! lets get into it: 

BACKSTORY: 

chan’s childhood wasn’t particularly dark or strained. he is by far the least tragic out of all my muses. but for me, that’s still pretty tragic by mosts standards. growing up he always had a very supportive father in regard to his homosexuality and androgynous qualities. he grew up in a happy home and despite not being rich he was very fortunate to have rich opportunities come his way. to be fair he’s pretty easily pleased but most of his experiences thus far have been plentiful

perhaps that is why his luck has to run out somewhere down the line, in the worst way it possibly could. his mother passed when he was young due to cancer. it was a grave and difficult time for his father as well as the rest of the family. his father crumbled eventually, in the hospital with health issues now that are so severe he’s due to pass any day and is basically in a vegetative state already. chan was left to raise his five year old sister nari and take on the responsibility. 

for this reason, he could be considered a struggling single father as he’s pushing his own dreams and goals aside to accomodate for nari and make sure she has the best upbringing which is comfortable for her, where she can see chan as a father figure as well as an older brother now, who can be relied upon and responsible. balancing the line and the roles between brother and father isn’t always easy though when the lines are constantly blurred. he has sacrificed most of himself and his youth to keep nari happy and healthy and mostly untouched by the death of their parents. 

this hasn’t been easy though, it’s left chan isolated and with no one to speak to but the five year old girl a lot of his feelings get locked in a box and left unexplored, he cannot have a moment of hesitation or weakness because then that will affect nari. his mourning process and grieving has been put on a backline, and he only really allows himself to break down in quiet moments without nari. such as when walking through the forest to be with nature, visiting their graves or on the edge of his bed having a good cry when nari is fast asleep due to the feeling of living in the empty space where his parents used to fill it all up. 

PERSONALITY: 

chan is a makeup artist, he does it professionally for models and artists all throughout the industry but he also does it for fun, becoming pretty popular as a person who gives tutorials on youtube and instagram as an ‘influencer’ but he really hates that label and prefers to simply think of himself as an artist. he also does the bit of fashion blogging and photography on the side. 

he considers himself an adventurer and for that reason he also travels a lot, usually while he is there he’ll study as he does photography for a course as well as a part time student and his main interest is in ancient architecture and art. most of the time he’ll roadtrip in his styled up vintage pick up but occasionally its flights to more beachy area’s, his two favorite places are greece and italy and he spends most of his time in those places if he can.

chan has a very vintage sense of style and he enjoys doing most things the traditional and old school way. although he does add a modern mindset to a lot of it. aesthetically style wise envision chan as fingers full of plenty of rings, ankle bracelets and arm cuffs with loose puffy sleeved shirts and ripped up mom jeans or high waisted ones. he cycles mostly everywhere on his vintage style bike. 

very much a gentle soul, little bit of a nerd and activist in the sense he wants to save the earth. he can be really intense about learning about nature and how to preserve it. he has always felt the most in touch with the natural world compared to the hum and chaos of the modern world and city life. he’s no saint of course and he’s still a sucker for coffee but other than that he likes to think he does his best. 

paints and draws very amazingly likewise, he prefers to draw flowers and people the most but he’ll work with whatever he’s got on hand. usually you can only catch him whipping out a sketchbook if he’s feeling stressed or overwhelmed as a form of escapism and quiet time. 

he is a little bit of a quixotic type so sue him, like one of the ‘have you ever fallen in love’ 'five times a day’ types but it’s not obsessive, it’s more of an admiration he considers all people beautiful and worthy of love in their own way and would state most of them are art to him. you could be the worst person and he’d be all ’ you dont have all the facts’ 'which are?’ 'i love them’.

although he doesn’t identify as genderfluid, he has a very genderfluid and androgynous sense of fashion and often wears clothing and makeup typically labelled as being more feminine. he likes a soft and classy look that usually consists of a good lip tint or ultra glossy lip and a natural but glittery smokey eye look. think kinda like the instagram influencer ivanbaaaaah for reference. 

MISC: 

growing up chan struggled with religion a lot, he and his family are very religious but his sexuality caused some issues. his father had always been supportive but his mother was a different story, unfortunately his memories with her aren’t the fondest. though he has a very dark history with religion, he loves to be in churches that are empty or abandoned for moments of reflection. often he wonders if he doesn’t even have god as the one consistent and reliable thing in his life, then what the hell does he have. he feels even now sometimes that he’s letting god and his mother down for the way he is but there is less shame now than what he suffered when younger. 

everything in his life basically revolves around nari, she goes most places with him and any task he’ll find a way to make fun for her, he doesn’t spoil her but he also doesn’t ever leave her to go without even if that is at his expense to do so. they love to bake together and he does that pretty often. 

has a part time job as a barista on night shifts and also in a patisserie. he works from home on his influencer content again to accommodate for nari and he also takes his course in photography and media online to best suit nari so he doesn’t have to leave her with a babysitter too often as he believes that’s no childhood and him just being lazy in his duty towards her as her parental figure at this pivotal time in her life. 

he’s putting off most of his dreams and aspirations right now for until nari is older, he could’ve been much more famous as an influencer but he chose not to be and put those opportunities to broaden his career on hold for a while because having a famous sibling in her life wasn’t the kind of overwhelming attention and pressure nari needed to be surrounded with right now. 

he honestly just wants to make sure nari grows up feeling safe, comfortable and happy as well as confident in herself and chan. she’s his primary responsibility and he considers himself her closest bet to a father now so he wants her to feel she has that bond with him as well as the bond of him being her brother. 

PLOT BUNNIES: 

a babysitter plot would be great, someone who he can rely on and uses often to leave nari with when he has no other choice and particularly on nights when he has to work. ideally it would be someone nari felt very close to and idolized so he knew they had an amazing relationship and she’d be happy and relaxed when he was gone. he’s very over protective of her so he’d also have to feel pretty close to the person. it could go any way really, it could be a pining thing, a best friend thing, whatever honestly. 

this boy definitely needs a confidant so throw that at me any day. 

friends who can help him reconnect with religion and spirituality in different ways so he knows there’s always a way for him to feel tied to god somehow and a god who loves him and best suits his needs somewhere even if it isn’t necessarily in the religion he grew up with. 

work buddies at the cafe he works in or patisserie would be amazing too. 

maybe a tutor/study buddy kinda person he met online through doing his course of media and photography to make sure he was making up for the classes he was missing out on by not being able to attend day lectures in college. 

just people with the similar hobby of photography would also be awesome or models even that he can do a couple of freelance jobs for on the side when they need him. 

muses for him to draw they’d be very special people indeed bc chan will rarely whip his sketchbook out in front of anyone let alone ask to draw them. 

more single parent muses would also be awesome eventually or older siblings who kind of take on that role half the time so have some idea of what its like who he could meet through taking nari to things like nursery, etc. 

neighbor bc who doesn’t love a good single dad and his neighbor plot  who’s all like woah that guy is super young and he has a kid but im also sure there’s no woman on the scene and wow they’re noisy and its kinda infuriating but its also cute as hell cause he’s a hella good dad and in the mornings i can hear them baking and doing food fights or playing together and i often see them messing about coming back from grocery shopping etc and actually its kinda touching?? 

gay pals cause we love gay pals as well as ur everyday pals we love a platonic bond between fellow gays. 

love interests of any kind rlly, pining situations, crushing, flings, ex’s ( they’d have had to have ended on good terms tho bc chan just can’t hate anyone ), first times e.g. sexually, boyfriend, kiss u get the idea 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

How do you even come up with your drawing ideas? Like, the poses and actions and stuff... I always try to find different poses for my characters but end up using often the same, so, yeah going back to the question, hOW dO YOU DO IT AAA also i'm super jealous of you?? Your style is amazing and your skills just aa omfg good job ily but i'm also jealous

hmmm first thank you!!! i am jealous of everyone too coz who isnt but im honored to be someone anyone thinks of as Good…and to get nice asks abt it is a real gift and i always appreciate it a lot…makes my week and all

uhh its kind of a good question how i come up w ideas….im actually heinously uncreative. but i AM gay & thats pretty much the theme in everything i ever make lol…i kind of just have ideas on a whim i guess, or thinking up certain scenarios that i also find i can picture as drawings, or just getting inspiration from any random little source & converting it into a drawing…hm. i just think of any sort of moment that would seem fun to depict & kinda reverse engineer it into how i might manage to put it into a drawing

pose-wise, i rarely ever have a drawing fully envisioned before i start making it, which probably just makes things more difficult for me…but like when i think of a certain general possible Pose, it tends to come to me in pieces…like i’ll start with some main idea about posture or a certain action or point of contact or something, but i’ll end up having to be like ok so uhhh, what are the legs doing?? or where is the other arm in all this, etc etc etc. often i’ll try to plan out how the Main Thing will look, and build the rest of the pose around what will simply look good with that &/or contribute to the balance/flow/silhouette of the body idk

i really do not have that much of an organized approach to anything i do at all rip

most of my inspiration for drawing bodies ever was to be able to show actions / interactions & to use the body to further express mood/emotion……you can only do so much thru drawing only from the shoulders up yanno? and it gets kinda fun to draw the more you get used to it

tbh i find it harder to draw like really basic poses like the Just Standing There feet together / arms at sides pose….so i’m part drawing things more dynamically as a convenience for myself, which is also always the motivation behind all my artistic choices pretty much. but it also kinda helps that nobody really ever stands that way, and if they are it sort of implies some kind of formality. posture and the way ppl carry themselves can express a lot….basically everything i draw is also about expressing emotions, so i really like how things can be shown via the body as well as the face. like hands and legs can be really expressive & overall posture and the way ppl move, which isnt always showable in a static image, but movement can always be implied / shown in one way or another…though i still tend to primarily focus on faces. like how i really enjoy subtler color palettes but always end up using really bright colors myself when im using color at all, rip, oh well

basically idk i find more expressive poses more fun to draw, and more yknow expressive…also i’m really picky about lines/curves having clear angles where they connect and shapes being fairly distinct, and i think thats also easier to have when bodies are moved/held more angularly….it makes the silhouette more fun too, not like thats hugely important, just again that i think all of this is more fun to draw than having a Just Standing There default pose. though those can be good too. there is a place for everything

ummmm it IS really frustrating trying to start doing something you don’t usually do & you’re like god whats the point doing something thats just misery all the time…i mean i dont consider myself that great at drawing bodies, i’m trying to be better at keeping things as 3d shapes in my head and being kinda sculptural abt drawing poses and stuff, and perspective always throws a wrench in things. but the silver lining is that when you’re starting out is generally guaranteed to be the worst of it & even though eternal dissatisfaction is the curse of drawing & everything else, things at least get easier & you can always look back on stuff and want to die because you were so much more shit at basic things back then sigh

i’m the worst to give advice about how to Practice Things, because i don’t. because i’m not trying to get good at art, i’m just trying to be better at whatever i wanna draw, which is always very limited…and i dont have the focus to ever do basic exercise stuff anyways…i cant even ever remember to use references 95% of the time. but it can help a lot, especially starting out….some artists will do like a whole page of really dynamic / dramatic / unusual poses and those are great to look at, and theres always photos of course…though idk that i’d worry too much about being strictly realistic, just kinda think of it as a starting point to build off of and make adjustments as you want them / use it more as guidelines. stylizing something sometimes looks more realistic than a picture honestly….real pix of bodies can just be ridiculous like wtf. aesthetically terrible, boo

idk if any of this seems relevant to anything you were really asking or if i all went off on a tangent there lma o …..i dont think im the best for advice!! but the good news is you probably already have a better approach than me. i just sneak practicing shit / trying new things into whatever gay thing i feel like making, and i guess i just happen to get better lol…every drawing makes you better even if the drawing sucks….thats one less bad drawing out of the way yknow

[plusultrachaos]

i sometimes wish id never been born at all

prompt: dan, one day, wishes hed never been born. he is then visited by a "ghost" (another youtuber) who shows dan everybodys lives if he was never born. dan doesnt believe that anything is worse off until they show phils life which is simply a gravestone.

A/N: i did change somethings from the prompt. i also envisioned the prompt as something similar to the Scrooge.

word count: 2113

genre: angst and if you squint fluff

tw: there are mentions and a viewing of two suicides (the viewing is against dans will  and is only on one of two suicides) there are mentions of depression and bullying. if this is something that could trigger, harm, or cause you pain of any kind, i recommend not reading this oneshot.

________________

its one of dans bad days. its one of the bad days where hes trying to be social, at least talk to phil some, maybe a bit of action on social media, before his inevitable departure from society and hopefully his own exsistance for a little while.

while hes browsing on said social media, he feels phil leaning toward him and picking something from under dans eye, pulling his hand away to reveal a small, thick eyelash.

"howd you even notice that, phil?" his voice was soft, fond, and holding no surprise at phils ability to notice the little details.

"make a wish and i might tell you." phil wore a teasing smile as he failed to wink, the corners of his mouth crinkling, showing the smile wrinkles that had developed as the years of their friendship passed.

'i wish i were never born' was the wish dan had made, he wanted to go hide away, hide the wish hed made in his brain to echo there for hours. everybodys lives would be better, easier, if he hadnt been born in the first place, all the haters wouldnt have to hate him in the first place. phil would probably be further in life. his family wouldnt have him as a disappointment.

"i have to go to my room." he looked at phil, whos face was still in  sort of close proximity to his own face. he didnt say why, or what he was going to do once in there, but phil knew him well enough to understand why the younger man had been quiet the entirety of him being up and out of his room, why he hadnt laughed at a single funny thing that phil had shown him.

"okay. remember to drink water and come out of there when you need food, okay?" phils eyes held the usual, useless, concern that dan knew phil didnt actually feel. dan wasnt worth the concern and he definitely did not deserve the concern or a friend like phil at all.

he nodded, knowing that if phil didnt actually see dan out of the room to get food or water, hed personally bring the food and drink to dan. dan got up and numbly left the lounge for his room. he left his laptop there, knowing he wouldnt need it the next few days or so.

he collapsed on his bed, his thoughts going on about him being worthless and a disappointment, along with other degrading things. he turned his phone off, setting it on his nightstand. he curled up into a ball and became even more numb to the world. when he fell asleep? dan wouldnt have been able to tell you.

when dan woke up, it felt weird. it felt like what his lucid dreams used to feel like when  hed been a kid. he also didnt feel as he did when he assumed hed fallen asleep, furthuring the feeling of this being weird and unusual. well, those things, and the youtube god himself, pewdiepie, or felix as hed told dan and phil to call him when theyd met up in the past, standing at the end of dans bed.

"felix? why are you in my room?" he was slightly creeped out. he only ever really saw felix at youtube events anymore, and even then, it wasnt much.

"i know who this felix person is, but i am not him. i am the ghost of youtubers past." felix, or rather the ghost, said, the voice was eerily similar to felix' and it creeped dan out further. "recently, youve wished for something along the lines of never being born at all, am i correct to say this?"

"yeah, but hold up, why in bloody hell are you in my -me and phils- flat? howd you even get in?" dan looked confused, he was staying as far as he possibly could be from felix, or the ghost or whatever the fuck it was, which meant he was huddled against the headboard of his bed. "what has my stupid eyelash wish have got to do with any of this?"

"daniel, im here to show you how your friends and family would have really been if you hadnt been born. you see, your thoughts after the wish, about everybody being better off without you, were mostly wrong. your family, that thought, was the only one that was partially correct. yes, if they didnt have you as their son, all of the things that you think they think of you would disappear, but they would have still had two children. your grandma wouldve been just as close with them as she was to you." then suddenly, at the end of the ghosts words, dans room transformed, his fairylights  and comfortable bed morphing into something else. all dan could do was watch.

his surroundings had changed into a huge decorated and lit up christmas tree with wrapped gifts underneath. there were two children, a teenaged girl and a younger boy, perhaps a toddler, pulling at a christmas cracker. when the young boy ended up getting the bigger end of the game, the older sister said "happy christmas!" with fondness that made dans heart ache. the siblings looked close, and happy. happier than dan and his younger brother had been at those ages.  it made dan long for that kind of relationship with the lad. it also brought a bitter taste and thoughts to dan. the girl, for obvious reasons, wasnt dan. their mannerisms very  different, her smile lacking a dimple.

"yazzy, go help your mum in the kitchen." an old woman, that dan immediately recognized as his (or rather not his) grandma, walked in to the room. he hadnt visited the kind, aging woman in years, and seeing this made him feel guilty.

he turned to the ghost, tears forming and wetting his eyes. "can we leave? i already knew i was insignificant in their lives." he said this, his voice small as he looked away from the scene playing out before him. the ghost nodded and then they were in a different location once again.

it was his friend, louises current home. but it was empty, no baby toys or anything in the flat hed gotten used to being busy.

"louises success mightve been all her, but you helped in the process, being there when she needed a friend. she didnt have darcy because she never met her partner." the ghost said this with a grim look. dan looked around, sad eyes gazing everywhere. it was then he realized he hadnt rung up louise in weeks.

"fuck..." was dans whispered response to the situation.

the location faded again, taking them to a park. pj sat on the bench in front of dan and the ghost. he was talking to people that dan didnt recognize. "pj and chris never became a couple because you werent there to help them realize their feelings for each other." dan looked down at the ghosts words. they stung, knowing his friends hadnt gotten together just because dan hadnt been born.

" and chris? what would his fate have been if id never been around?" the ghost pointed at a man walking behind them, talking on the phone. he didnt spare pj a single look.

"without your constant encouragement, he dropped youtube. he got an office job and quickly climbed the ranks." the words sounded sad.

the location changed yet again, to a sight he never wanted to see again. they were in an unfamiliar bedroom, it was dark and there was an even darker silhouette hanging from a ceiling fan. dan feared the worst. the sight of it made dan want to curl into a ball. there was pounding on the closed door.

dan watched in silence, mouth open in a silent cry as the parents of the silhouette opened the door. the mother fell into the fathers arms, crying loudly. the father was frozen, terror shining in his eyes as he took in the sight of the cold and lifeless body. the  room faded into a plain, white room that had no soothing qualities to dan.

"that was ben. in a world with you in it, he would have found the courage to come out as a transmale and gay. without you, he never learned of his parents acceptance. he wouldve committed suicide if not for your videos." the ghost said this softly, its eyes sad. "this is the sad reality of the fans. some are not in good situations and so they turn to youtube for an escape. without your videos, a lot of fans dont have that escape." dans face grew even more sad as he realized that had been the same reality that he had faced before becoming a youtuber.

"and phil? what would have happened to him?" this question had been on his mind the entire time they had been in this weird dreamland. the ghosts already sad face saddened even more and the scenery changed once again.

dan looked confused as his eyes wondered around the area. they were in a graveyard in the middle of the day. except dan couldnt see any services being held that phil wouldve attended.

"where is he? why are we in a graveyard?" his questions were frantic as he continued searching for the wonderous blue-yellow-green eyes and the dyed black hair of his best friend. then his gaze landed on the gravestone of the grave they were in front of. he dropped to his knees, his face blank as he read the stone.

Here lies

Philip Michael Lester

January 30th, 1987-June 22nd, 2012

He was loved dearly by fans, friends, and family.

"phil didnt have a number one fan to skype him to take his mind off his problems, to correct him when he thought of how weird he was and how weird everybody was bound to think of him."

"unique. phil is unique, not weird." dan corrected without hesitation.

"that is what i mean when i say that. he didnt have somebody to do that when youtube comments started telling him he was weird. he didnt have someone to be an iconic duo with. he killed himself when it all got to be too much." the ghost went quiet after telling that to dan, most likely letting the man grieve his best friend.

dan had started sobbing loudly. "n...no no no. take me home, this cant be real, this is not real." he whimpered, his eyes were screwed shut as he sobbed over the possibility of his optimistic, cheery best friend taking his life. he missed the transformation of the landscape, still sobbing loudly by the time hed been back in the comfort of his bedroom.

the ghost was no longer there and there was loud knocking. and to dans relief, phil called out his name with concern that dan was now certain was genuine. phil came in, rushing to the side of the monochrome bed to take the brown haired crying man into his arms. he knew better than to ask what was wrong right away, so he just held him.

"phil, promise me you wont believe people when they say hateful things toward you?" he asked this in a panicked rush, his words stuttered as he looked with terrified eyes at phil.

" i promise." phil held dan close, the sound of his heartbeat tethering dan to reality.

"i had a dream." dan proceeded to tell phil about what hed wished and then about the dream he had afterward. when he was done, phil held him. dan was still crying, but it had subsided a lot with the knowledge of phil being alive. "im sorry, phil. i know i shouldnt have wished for something so morbid and sad, but it was before an episode and i cant control my thoughts during those." he cuddled to phils chest, sniffling.

" dan, you know i love you. you know im always going to be here to support and comfort you." phils voice was soft and supportive, deep unlike what the viewers usually heard. "you dont have to apologize at all for the way your brain works, just like i dont. im glad you realized that that wasnt real, but i dont want you thinking that i wouldve been better off without you because i wouldnt be as far as i am today if i didnt have you by my side. dont ever tell yourself otherwise." he smiled his amazing smile that was saved just for dan.

dan leaned into phils chest, breathing in the comforting scent.   he sighed as he realized that life would be better with him and phil still alive.

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i did end up mentioning dans family, but i only did briefly dont hate me.