#and tbh i feel like most of my discomfort comes from the prospect of being deceived

[shdwtouch]

not me openly admitting that shade lowkey takes after me. this was not intentional, I swear. uwu; she kinda just... ended up with an extra dose of who I am as a person, whereas most of my original characters receive much less.

I realized this when considering that shade is most likely homo leaning. and I was like, haha she's just like me ! an enby ace lesbian... and then the similarities just kept getting drawn. idk maybe I'm just overly tired.

also like. not gonna apologize ? she really isn't a self-insert. but its also like... creators are allowed to put themselves into what they make ! and I'm proud of shade, I really am. so I won't be made ashamed for traits we might share.

[isafms]

tag dump is coming soon and all that, just wanted to churn this out before i go out for the day FDLGJSD

hey y’all, i’m lia and i’m excited to be here ! ngl i only found the group yesterday but i Had to join since i’ve got a slight obsession with obx, not to mention i’ve been boring myself with bold, no nonsense muses and isabella seemed like the ideal switch-up. i’ll get straight to the point and give y’all a brief summary of isa since.. i haven’t fully fleshed her bg out and i typically let musing posts explain the little things i can’t put into words sdflgkjds so without further ado:

[ jang yeeun , cis female , she/her ] do you hear [ EVEN IF IT HURTS BY TEI SHI AND BLOOD ORANGE ] coming from the beach ? oh, that has to be [ ISABELLA “ISA” KWON ] . they are a [ TWENTY-THREE ] year old [ COLLEGE STUDENT ] from the outer banks, and they’ve been living there for [ EIGHT YEARS ] . they were chosen to be on the show because they are a [ KOOK ] , but really , i heard it’s because they can be [ CONFORMIST & INSECURE ] . if you get to know them though , they’re pretty [ BENEVOLENT & FAITHFUL ] . they might become a quick audience favorite due to their [ COLLECTION OF WHITE BLOUSES, EASY SMILES ON GLOSSY LIPS, HER TREASURE TROVE OF VINTAGE ACCESSORIES ] . ooc – lia, 23, ast, she/her.

tw: alcohol and drug mentions

the basics

isa’s the only child of first ( papa kwon ) and second ( mama fka kwon, mama nka greene ) gen korean-american citizens and spent her early years in charlotte, where her dad worked as an orthopedic surgeon and her mom an event planner

she didn’t have to ask for much between her mom naturally spoiling her only daughter and her dad’s income, though she was pretty content with the little things like a dainty necklace or the newest, inexpensive fashion fad that swept through her grade

anyone else remember silly bandz being a big thing ?? bc yeah, she had TONS, i’d imagine GDSKFLJ

at fifteen, her parents decided to move to the outer banks after years of it solely being their vacation hub when family friends wanted to get together — well, her mom decided to move there while her dad dragged his feet at the prospect of leaving his practice, so a compromise was reached so he could stay in charlotte whenever an operation was taking place

though i think from their jobs alone y’all know where this is heading, and considering isa’s the step-sister of the greenes so i mean ??

they divorced when isa was seventeen and it was a hard pill to swallow for the poor thing; her dad stayed in charlotte while her mom stayed in obx and going back and forth while on the cusp of adulthood and college was a tiring but necessary endeavour for the daddy’s girl herself

not to mention she had a slight issue with assimilating to the more scrutinizing behaviours of kook territory, going with the flow that her friends had established before her arrival, but i’ll expand on that a little later lgfsdjk

let’s just flash forward to the present — isa’s got a step-family, she’s wrapped up her post-secondary and is just waiting to officially graduate ( honestly.. major is also tba fgsldkg ) and she’s among the newest cast members of outer banks.. suffice to say the poor girl’s overwhelmed !

tbh i’m losing steam bc it’s BOILING hot and it’s noon, i’ve gotta head out soon, so lemme insert what i put in my app to explain a few things that might have a gap or two in them

i view isabella as a bit of a sheep in the kook world based on the traits she’s been given; she has a good heart, however she follows many of the standards set by the longtime, affluent residents of the island. it makes her appear naive or held hostage by a feeling of inadequacy as her own person, something she’s sure that others have felt at times but believes she feels it far too often in comparison. that doesn’t mean that she hides facets of her personality so readily as she doesn’t feel nearly as confined when away from the island or with her trusted loved ones, rather it has to do with keeping up appearances for her parents’ sake — gossip among the country club boomers can cut DEEP, after all

i’m sure isa believes the rivalry is unnecessary as adults — not to mention that she doesn’t see someone’s socioeconomic standing as the most divisive factor one could consider — however she plays into it in her own way. whether it’s by dodging some pogues at parties because her kook friends are doing the same or because she doesn’t want to be caught in the brunt of the crossfire of tension, she keeps a distance and only hopes that it doesn’t come across as cold to everyone else

the show opens her up to the criticism she tries to avoid in her day-to-day life, being under the microscope ultimately making her anxious, however she tries to pull through; any publicity is good publicity, she supposes her friends would say, though that doesn’t keep her from dwelling on what certain subsets of people might think about the raw sides of herself. on the other hand, it’s an opportunity for her to branch out and eventually explore new avenues beyond what kildare county can offer her, let alone the outer banks. nonetheless, isa’s motivated to put her best foot forward and follow the script that she always has, albeit with slack on her leash as her televised coexistence with the pogues means leaving her past approach and her friends’ influence to the wayside

ok back to the current!me typing this intro, that last bit wasn’t to say she’d have no pogue pals, but more that she doesn’t branch out so easily and stays on the straight and narrow of what she’s done over the years. now onto her as a person GFDLK

personality and such

she’s baby

a given with yeeun as her fc especially, but i see her as a very tender and thoughtful person

y’know, ignoring her anxieties over public image and all

the type to pay it forward for purchases both big and small, is a shoulder to cry on for her friends and tries to be courteous with a smile per her dad’s advice when she was younger

sentimental and in some ways free-spirited, so again..... baby SLGJLKSDF

however, she’s a follower a lot of the time, doesn’t break rules or promises unless they’re totally out of line and even then, she either handles the matter gently or tries to shrug off her discomfort and go along with the rest

and with that, she doesn’t think her authentic self is all that special, hiding away certain traits or hobbies because they don’t reflect when she’s SUPPOSED to represent nor what those around her represent

she LOVES dressing up, opting for flowy or lightweight clothes during the summer months that are either crisp and white or whimsical and vibrant

she has vintage and thrifted pieces that she cherishes, locally made jewelry that she pairs with dainty gold bracelets and such that her parents have given her over the years.. she’s just a chill little fashionista jgfdlsk

isa isn’t the heaviest drinker, though that’s partially due to her being a lightweight as it is; doesn’t drink beer or straight liquor, one due to personal preference in taste and the other bc she can’t deal with much of the burning sensation GSDFJL

has had edibles a couple of times and doesn’t write them off as a one and done kind of thing, but she only touches them when offered in a social setting with her friends

so i mean.. she’s far from what some would consider a buzzkill for someone who’s as in her head as she can be

uhhhhh lemme jump to wcs bc i’m really pushing the time here but that comment about musing posts a while back ?? they’ll come into full effect later on so y’all have a better idea of her personality dgfslkg

plot ideas

people in her main friend group, but not necessarily a part of the kook conversations that mess with isa’s head that i’ve mentioned earlier. i’m sure there are a couple of people who she trusts most in that bunch and i’d love for her to have that kind of support and assurance that she needs for.. well, anything fsldgj

college friends/potentially a roommate ?? i’m gonna assume she attended college within nc, haven’t narrowed down where just yet so i’m flexible for this one unc to be specific ! they may or may not have been close before post-secondary started ( assuming they’re a long-time obx resident ) but they stuck together for the first week of their first semester and have been good friends since ! ( 1/? )

give her a pogue friend or two who tries to get her to get her head out of her ass and ignore the few things the rivalry’s instilled in her so she can ease up, and so they can hang out more

ex-friends, ex-fwbs, just give me some drama ! that’s all i ask !

crush(es) from years back or recently, pogue or kook, doesn’t matter bc this chick would hesitate on making a move on ANYONE 90% of the time so this is super flexible slfdkjgdf

also she’s bi, so have at it y’all !

maybe a secret relationship in the past ?? we love a good opposites attract love story with unresolved feelings, shove these two together in front of the cameras and watch them squirm to keep it all private SLGKFDJS

[mdeeks15]

Given I am relinquished from my vow of silence. I can now pose a hypothetical. You have Person A and Person B. While in a relationship, these two do not subscribe to society’s default monogamist programming. Person A and Person B both date people together, both triads failing due to an inability on the third parties to provide enough care in the relationship. This causes tension between Person A and Person B as Person A pushed for the third parties to be in the relationship. However this passes as a blip

Person B starts talking to people and meets Person C. They inform Person A that they are talking to someone but neglect to inform them of any actual details (most likely due to medical issues on Person B’s part) leading Person A to believe they are talking to someone else. Things develop quite quickly and they go from a talking phase to the sharing of intimate photos in the space of two weeks. While Person B informs Person A and asks if it’s okay, they do not do so until after the fact, leaving Person A feeling like they don’t have a choice but to agree

Things culminate on Person A’s birthday, which Person B has forgotten. In an attempt to patch things up Person B offers to call Person A but spends the call talking about how they’ve made plans to go around to Person C’s house. The plan involves going round after dark which not only flies in the face of the arrangement Person A and Person B have (which is to meet prospective partners together, in the day and at somewhere public) but also Covid19 lockdown rules which have been thrown in the face of Person A since lockdown began

It is at this point that Person A starts to display their discomfort. With the plan involving a late start and the possibility of staying over for the night and Persons B and C’s talking history, a hookup seems entirely likely. Person B tries to frame it as merely a social call with the possibility of a hookup. Person A asks for things to be clearly defined but Person B says it’s not possible. Aware that the plan would most likely go ahead with or without their blessing and to avoid fighting ruining an already shitty birthday, Person A concedes and allows to meet up to go ahead

The day of the meet up arrives and as expected, a hookup occurs and Person B spends the night. Person A goes to work and comes back to a message asking to stay another night as Person C’s child has imprinted on them and they have already told the child they can stay over. It is around this time that Person C’s name is actually revealed Once again feeling pressured into an answer, Person A agrees to the second night. The next morning, Person B wakes up to leave Person C roughly the same time as Person A goes to work. However, Person B waits until Person A is off shift to decide to go for a nap, leaving Person A who had a rough shift to deal with it

Person A finally connects with Person C and warns them not to hurt Person B. Person C (tbh quite rightfully) tells them to calm their shit. This is the first (and last) time the two ever speak. Having heard that Person A had a rough time and being in the area anyway, Person B offers to meet up. After a seemingly decent meet up (albeit ending with Person A falling ill), Person B reveals that they would like to cut down they amount of time they see Person A. While their original schedule of twice a week was always impossible, Person B wished to meet once a month. Person A, having spent the better part of a year in lockdown and so unable to see their partner, naturally freaks at this ideal

In saying that they wish to cut down on meeting people, Person B mentions that they are unable to deal with seeing people. However evidence point them only being unable to deal with Person A. The two compromise on seeing each other twice a month, work or coursework providing. Person A is still slightly upset about the situation but the two make up. Being upset, however, brings all the issues of the relationship to the forefront, leaving Person A to decide that they are no longer comfortable with Person B and C’s relationship

Person A conveys their discomfort at this relationship, asking Person B to pull back on activities until they can sort through Person A’s emotions to get them okay with the situation. Person B reacts with hostility, calling Person A’s reason bullshit and unreasonable and accusing them of being manipulative and controlling. Person A fights back, telling Person B that things changed and that the whole point of consent was to be given and taken as necessary. Person B refuses, effectively breaking Person A’s consent and by definition, cheating on them

Person A continues to argue with Person B, and eventually decides to talk to someone who has more experience in these kinds of dynamics and comes to the conclusion that there must be some kind of separation. Person A calls Person B and informs them of the break. However, being unable to sleep and having to spend the day answering questions from their family about their relationship, Person A suffers a breakdown and messages Person B apologising for their behaviour before passing out

Person B accuses Person A of trying to manipulate them through previous relationship trauma and decides that the break would continue in that Persons A and B would be strictly platonic while Person B decides whether Person A is worthy of being in a relationship with. Person A agrees. The break continues to the original end date, but Person B decides to extend it further. Eventually they agree to rejoin the relationship but still continues to treat Person A like they’re deciding and continuing to see Person C

While Person A initially accepts these conditions, they quickly grow tired of things not changing and regains their stance of not being okay with the sexual relationship between Person B and Person C. Eventually this leads to an ultimatum where either the sexual relationship with Person C goes, or Person A does. Person B chooses to stay with Person A and eventually realises that they didn’t inform Person A of anything. Person B grows upset as Person C very quickly replaces them with someone who they choose to initiate a real relationship with, despite telling Person B that they don’t engage in that kind relationship

Person C eventually ‘dumps’ Person B for acting too much like a significant other. This sends Person B into a depressive spiral. Despite having their own feelings on the matter, Person A tried to help Person B feel better, eventually footing the bill for Person B’s therapy. Slowly but surely, though not without arguments, things begin to improve

While in this upwards stage, Person A tried to find their own separate partner in order to engage in their new relationship dynamic. After a few failed talking stages, Person A eventually matches with someone we’ll call Person D. Person D looks attractive and is quite fun to talk to. While on holiday with Person B, Person A decides to invite Person D to meet up. They arrange to do so in town and in the afternoon. Person A also invites Person B, if only to soothe their nerves regarding the whole situation

Eventually Person A, Person B, and Person D meet up. Person A missed out as Person D isn’t quite the same in person, a common thread in online dating I’m sure. However, Person B and Person D hit it off, and both agree that there is a likelihood they would date. Having no issue other than wishing their attraction to Person D remained, Person A gives the two their blessing and they eventually begin dating.

Shortly into this, Person A gets a casual message from Person B that they were engaging in activities that Person B had both agreed to give a heads up on if the conversation started and heavily stressed that the conversation wouldn’t start in the first place. Upset by what felt like a repeat of recent history, Person A pointed these facts out and Person B apologised. All was well until the next time that Person A and Person B met up, where Person B wasn’t wearing a necklace of great importance to the two’s relationship, but instead was wearing a gift from Person D. Person B also pushed Person A away while they were hugging

On top of this, plans for university visits were scuppered when one of Person B’s flatmates decided not to let Person A in. Despite most agreeing that the rule was unfair, Person B refused to say so on the basis that they would lose their right to veto anyone entering the building. Upset with the growing lack of care once again appearing in the relationship, Person A attempted to end the relationship but failed when they didn’t really want to, opting instead to try and meet with Person B to resolve their position before Person B left for university

While a conversation was had, Person B chose to pull away from Person A during an attempted kiss. Similar reactions were shown the next time they met and the time after, which coincided with Person A’s graduation and the last time the two were due to see each other before Person B left. Having arranged a meet up at a hotel for an overnight stay, Person A arrived in the hope that things could be settled but instead was told that Person B was acting the way they were as they were scared of Person A’s behaviour- behaviour that only occurred due to the way they were being treated

The bad mood was only compound by Person B having to go as there was a potential boiler leak and due to their room being closest, Person B had to leave. This combined with revelations caused Person A to suffer a second breakdown. After not hearing from Person B for the majority of following day, Person A continued to find their relationship degrading and decided to push Person B towards what appeared to be their intended solution which was to break up. Which they did. The end

So I guess my only question is, who sucked more? Person A or Person B

[lesbitchka]

(submission)

alright so i’m gonna dump my long long club story in here (cw for q slur stuff, some mentions of prior abuse, kink, drag) this is gonna be really long, i’m sorry! my way of narration is kind of obnoxious

i’m a copresident of my campus’ lgbt group after i was asked by someone in my class to run for office during my first semester at my current college. i’d never been to a meeting before, but i accepted, honored to have been invited. in retrospect, that kind of should have been my first red flag- being asked to step in in an administrative role to a club i had absolutely no familiarity with. i’m a white, autistic trans man who is on the aro/ace spec because of my history of trauma. this will be important later on 

i showed up to the election and was elected handily, because apparently the person i was running against has a history of being abusive? i don’t know anything about that. anyway, at the same meeting, the person who had held my position before me, a nonbinary trans woman, was ousted publically and stormed out of the room, furious. at the time, i wasn’t too bothered by it. this person had a history of posting weird, intimidating right-leaning stuff about “defending someone’s right to free speech all the way up until they act on it”- that includes threats to murder and rape people, in her own words- and mocking club members for mental health problems. all around, a legitimately abusive person that i totally understood why she’d be removed. and over the summer, that was that- no further discussion. 

i moved across the country to the la area to live with my longterm partner over the summer. during that time, we lived in a disadvantaged area that was primarily latinx, close to anaheim, where over the course of the summer we heard a lot of police violence come out of, both on the news and in word-of-mouth from our (primarily trans) friend group. despite being white, this left me worried about police violence towards me for other reasons; ie, i was an unmedicated trans man in a relationship with another unmedicated trans man, subject to different types of police violence should anything happen to our home, which we were sharing with a latinx family. while nothing became of these fears, this, also, will be important 

when i got back on campus, i took up my new position and started getting involved in club affairs. i noticed from a very early point there were some small issues, but nothing that was really a dealbreaker- the club had a strong focus on kink and many board members had a tendency to be very public about their sex lives in advertisements and tabling opportunities for our group, which, while i assumed i was being oversensitive about because of my trauma, i noticed offput several prospective members who investigated our table. when campus police swept through the club fair, equipped and in full uniform, i expressed my discomfort- a holdover from my time in a troubled area, hearing about my white trans male friend face obstruction and hostility when turning to the police in a domestic violence case, having been home for less than a week- and was met by the only nonwhite member of our board explaining that he didn’t feel uncomfortable with the police there, so it was kind of ridiculous that i did and i shouldn’t. which may have been true, but jesus, felt pretty shitty to hear my feelings on the thing were bad. i also requested that we not refer to ourselves as the q*eer club when hosting events and referring to my membership and was told by the same administrator that because he is latinx and likes the word, no one else should have any reason to take issue with it, b/c he was most strongly effected by pulse…? that was his reasoning for why we should keep using the q slur. again, a bunch of small things i could easily brush off, but things that stuck out 

things didn’t get really bad until this semester. over winter break, two things happened. the aforementioned nonwhite board member we had was hired by the school and is no longer legally allowed to be involved in any club’s board. also, i started dating a member of our club, a nonbinary transfeminine person (gonna call them bug for this post) who’s two years younger than me and getting their feet in school. i was feeling really awful after a week-long hospitalization early in the semester and having my longterm partner across the country; they were facing academic difficulties and poverty that will probably keep them from returning next semester, so it arose from mutual need and desire to support one another, with mutualistic understanding of the fact that our relationship is probably on a timeline. bug came into our school hoping to get involved in lgbt activism, so when we had elections after winter break, i encouraged them to try out. 

it’s also worth mentioning that bug was and is one of only three transfeminine club members who would regularly show up to meetings. the other two, who i’ll call mercury and simone, are both older than me; mercury was part of the board before i joined, and simone joined at the same time as bug, due to our awareness of our club’s appearance due to having something like 30 regular attendees and only three transfeminine ones; even now, simone is the only one who identifies as a trans woman, not nonbinary.my roommate, who i’ll call marcie, also joined at this time, becoming our only nonwhite board member. 

so, convergence of events: bug and i start dating, and bug, simone, and marcie all join this club. things are great at first! everyone loves each other, we’re all excited to be working with our friends. i’m overjoyed to have my roommate, one of my best friends, and my brand new datemate working with me on something i’m really passionate about. 

when we try to put together our first event of the semester, though, things go HELLA south. the new director of the board, the boyfriend of the guy i had a couple issues with at the beginning of the year, asks the board what kind of shirts we want for our event: tanks or tees. bug speaks up first, saying that they don’t want a tank because tanks show their shoulders too much and make them feel dysphoric. simone and mercury echo bug’s sentiments; i, knowing that our membership has had some issues with our lack of inclusion for transfemmes, decide to go with the transfemme voices on our board. this becomes the biggest controversy we’ve yet faced as a board. the director becomes enraged, talking about how tanks make him LESS dysphoric, how for our last event he got baseball shirts that make him dysphoric and that he hates (and that he also wears almost every time i see him, hm) so we should make a concession for him to get a shirt he likes. he tells us to vote; me, bug, simone, and mercury all vote for tanks, which means that we have the majority on our seven person board. the situation is now wholly out of control, the director gets angrier and says we’re getting tees anyway, marcie says something off hand about how it’s not a dysphoria contest, which makes bug feel like shit because they brought up the topic of their dysphoria first as a reason they personally wouldn’t wear the shirt if we bought it and then was countered by our director’s claims of how dysphoric tees would make him. simone says that this invalidation of her and bug’s lived experiences and the hostility they were met with for asking for a shirt with transfemmes in mind is transmisogynistic behaviour. remember that guy who got hired by the school? he steps in now to defend his boyfriend and shuts down the conversation (yeah, he’s still in our group chat, despite that being, y'know, illegal.) everyone is furious. more than a few people are brought to tears. 

pretty fucking dumb, right? over shirts. don’t worry, though, we’re heading into some even more ridiculous shit. 

the next time the board talks, it’s to say that we’re obviously all very upset with each other and we shouldn’t meet in an unmediated environment. (spoiler alert: what has come to be known as shirtgate was at the beginning of february and we JUST had a group meeting for the first time ever since that this sunday…) we hold our event successfully despite the fact that half the board isn’t talking to each other. i’m feeling hurt and isolated from my friends and withdraw a bit, spending more time with bug. the board is divided into two tiers: the wider board, and the presidents’ board, which i’m on, and which, coincidentally, is basically just our regular board without transfemmes. ha. the presidents’ board meets and discusses how unacceptable the situation is, attempting to appeal to me to change “sides” because those rowdy transfemmes, right? i’m grossed out and feeling like i’ve been isolated from the group of people i have a vested interest in supporting and stand my ground, officially marking myself as no longer one of the InGroupTM. for the most part, i do nothing as a club administrator from here on out. things are magically out of my hands. hm 

our next big controversy happens when we hold a screening for moonlight, about a week after it won best picture. this is a public event, and many people who are not in our club show up; i assume that all we are providing is advertisement and prepare to enjoy the movie. here’s where me being autistic comes in. the lounge is crowded with people and i’m surrounded by some of my favourite people, including bug, who’s off their adhd meds for now and doesn’t have a lot of impulse control. my friends respond audibly to some of the scenes, cos we’re a bunch of gay kids who’ve rarely-if-ever seen representation for ourselves before. due to being in a social setting where the people around me that i trust, esp bug, are being very emotional and responsive to the film, i can’t really not join in and make noises of excitement too- it’s just the way my aspie brain works, tbh. i feel awesome! this is great! 

it’s not great. the event ends and people are furious, complaining about how the movie was ruined by the talking during a handful of scenes. the board cracks down on me and bug (and, to a lesser extent, simone) for being vocally excited. in retrospect, fair, and definitely something that means i should stay away from crowds more often. however, this was an environment of friends, i thought, not people who’d get really upset with me for unintentionally making sounds of excitement when, for the second time ever, i see gay men represented in the context of a film. marcie is furious most of all, as our only non-white board member, and goes on a facebook rant, vagueing about not just bug, simone, and i, but about our friends and members who were not quiet either. me and bug’s close friend, who i’ll call mirage, is incredibly hurt by this, as marcie uses their non-whiteness to describe why they’re frustrated by this behaviour; mirage is a nonwhite nb kid who was most vocal during a scene in the movie where the protagonist hits a bully with a chair, making an audible joke about it, which they did because they found the scene triggering after they were hit with a chair by a teacher growing up. this was also the moment of conversation marcie had the biggest issue with. bug and i are feeling pretty shitty about our neurodivergences and how the club has previously made promises to be understanding of symptoms, but this seems to only extend to depression and anxiety. the club fractures further. 

we’re basically not talking to each other unless we have to at this point, with bug, simone, and i staying close, marcie, the director, his boyfriend, and their housemate making their own group, and mercury disengaging from all of us entirely. we hold an event. it’s called kink 102 and is the sequel to an event we had in first semester that i missed during my hospitalization, where apparently the director and his boyfriend demonstrated floggers and crops on each other in front of an audience who came to learn about kink, not expecting to be part of a scene. people are very apprehensive about this, especially because we have had several meetings focusing on kink and drag- our director’s passions- and none focusing on, for example, nonbinary people and aroace-spec people in the lgbt community. this becomes a huge point of contention, as several ace-spec people approach various board members and express their discomfort with how overwhelmingly sexual many of our meetings are and how our director seems so keen to involve strangers in his sex life- he has admitted rather freely to being both an exhibitionist and a voyeur. a student makes a public post about how we’ve had two meetings about kink and none about aroace lgbt people. bug steps in and comments a bit snarkily about how much they agree, having heard me, their ace-spec boyfriend, talk a lot about how i’ve been honestly triggered by some of our events; bug is very much not an ace person and is in fact an exhibitionist and voyeur themself, but thinks the issue is this important. i step in as well as a board member, feeling the need to address a public complaint, and reassure them that i would very much like to spearhead a meeting about aroace people, including the different ways it can manifest and how it isn’t equivalent to non-heterosexuality, as the only ace-spec board member. i admit to my discomfort at the environment we often create and say that it’s something we certainly need to work on. 

shit pops off in the chat, but only at bug! not at me! hmmmm!!!! 

bug stops talking in the group chat unless prompted at this point. 

the post goes mostly unresolved; all that happens is bug (and, later, simone, who posted a rather snide comment on the same forum expressing her frustrations with the group as a whole, both backing up me and bug, and as a trans woman who’s been repeatedly involved in drag events now) get CHEWED THE FUCK OUT. simone says something about how we have way too much focus on kink and it makes it seem like we’re saying it’s equivalent to being lgbt. the director loses his shit over this, and says, quote, “Thanks for invalidating my identity. I can’t discuss this further. Erasure of my culture.” which is… a lot, as someone who was abused in the guise of kink by older, paedophilic partners. 

i go to the kink meeting with bug because i want to learn how to tie them up safely and am hoping to learn about knots, but mostly because i feel like if i don’t go, i’ll get yelled at. there is no guide for tying knots. there is a brief discussion of consent, then the director ends up topless, getting whipped against the wall of the student lounge. a friend of mine sits next to me and sucks a fucking pacifier the whole time

we still haven’t met in person in months. this sunday, we finally meet. the director reveals he is resigning and also dropping out of college and tells us it’s mostly because of simone, which, wow, okay, is a lot to hear from someone who i spent hours counceling about whether or not he should go to the inpatient i went to and take a semester off first semester, before simone was ever even involved. the meeting is mostly just that. simone doesn’t come. we have a president’s meeting after, which basically equates to us staring awkwardly at bug until they leave and mercury retreating to their room, cos we hold this at the director and his boyfriend’s house. not weird and awkward, definitely doesn’t feel like we’re having a boys’ club meeting. nope. 

by this point i am distraught. i’m feeling like complete shit because all these people, despite their previous rounds of drama and weird comments, were my friends. i was so excited to work on something i cared about with people i cared about, and now no one even talks to each other. i confess my concerns about everything to the group, and shit gets wild. the director is quick to tell me that things aren’t my fault, but that his issue is with simone and bug. and then he starts getting really shitty. i had previously mentioned how eager i was to protect the incoming freshmen, because my first year of college, i was raped by a trans woman who proceeded to manipulate her way through the lgbt club on that campus to turn people against me and keep me from speaking out, which resulted in my utter academic failure and dropping out. the director begins to tell me that, in my personal goal of keeping freshmen safe, i have made bug entirely dependent on me, that the fact that they don’t talk to half the board anymore is on me, using words and phrases i used to describe my previous abuse to say that, hey, turns out you’re abusive. which… is fuckt, coming from the person who capslocks curse words in the group chat and then has his SCHOOL STAFF boyfriend come in to tell us how justified he is. the boyfriend tells me i never should have expected us to be friends. which i guess is true, but hey, i was introduced to the group by their roommate way back last year, and really didn’t know what to expect at all. i am also told that kink is easily as important as lgbt activism in our history, that it should be considered a part of the acronym, that all these young kids uncomfortable with two three-and-five-year-older people acting out scenes under our banner at our events need to learn their history. any second now i’m expecting our name, LGBTQU+, to grow a k. hilarious that they’re concerned about history now, but me asking us not to use the q slur to describe our members is ridiculous because no one’s bothered by it anymore! 

i meekly offer to step down, but the director says that because he’s leaving and his roommate is graduating, we won’t have a board anymore if i step down, considering bug and simone are ready to leave. the boyfriend and the director lecture me for like five solid minutes about how this is the oldest club on campus and if i don’t stay, it will collapse and that will be on me, basically. so yeah. accusing me of perpetrating the same abuse my ex perpetrated against me, then guilting me into staying to keep our club active- a club that is now reputed for being more focused on kink than lgbt events, for not being welcoming to nonwhite people or trans women (forgot to mention at one point students formed a qpoc group separate from us and the boyfriend was FURIOUS and tried to overtake it, using us, the board that was entirely white except for him :) ), and for being the biggest cesspit of drama on campus. in other words, a club i would very much like to l e a v e. 

i know this wasn’t entirely mogai hell or ace discourse, but there’s shades of every kind of shit in this group, tbh. and i really just needed a place to vent about it. i know we all made mistakes, but jesus, i’m hemorrhaging friends and feeling like dirt, my pals. i just need space to whine. 

oh one more thing, forgot to mention: the director tried to use bug to tell me to get a fetlife, because bug has one, because they’re not ace. also had bug ask me to pose with them naked for one of our event posters to circumvent me talking about how i felt unconfident naked, which thankfully never happened. also seem to think that because bug and i have sex i’m not ace anymore, therefore we shouldn’t talk about ace stuff because we don’t have an ace board member? didn’t know where to put these ones, but yeah! ;) 

ok! sorry for the length of this. thank you for listening! <3