#but it makes sense. yeah a lil cringy but the stuff that happens to you in high school does have a long standing effect on you as a person

[anothermonikan]

I get so hyped when Twin Size Mattress comes on the 8th grade / year 9 playlist it's unreasonable. Girl that is your entire 8th grade experience in a song we are not hype about that. what

[dreamiehrs]

jealousy issues ➛ h.rj

genre: jealous!renjun, fluff, maybe a lil angst, best friends to lovers, you’re oblivious and renjun’s annoyed lmao, high school au, bestfriend!renjun

pairing: renjun x you

requested: yes

note: hihi! this was requested by this beautiful anon! I actually found this request pretty interesting bc I had to think of how renjun would be jealous... so I hope you enjoy it! ty for requesting :) (gif credit: @renjunhuang​)

you and renjun have been besties since... god knows when

just kidding, you and him have counted the years and it’s been around six years

aka since sixth grade!! you two met in math class when the teacher put you beside each other

that was probably her worst decision, to be honest... his witty remarks, which you always tended to bounce back and forth with him about, left the teacher in an annoyed mode the rest of the day

you guys were good students, though. so she wasn’t *that* annoyed, you know?

naturally, you guys started to learn more about each other and figured out you guys like a lot of the same stuff!! this led up to you guys exchanging numbers and hanging out almost every other weekend

your hangouts with renjun were something you always looked forward to

he never failed to make you laugh with his clever words and his sense of humor

as the two of you got older and went into high school... it seemed like everything had changed between you two

obviously, you two were still besties and nothing would change that, but as the two of you grew up together, sometimes you would find yourself thinking that renjun has... dare you say... gotten attractive over the years?

his features had become more molded and he’s started dressing more... impressively...  the latter probably because you told him what style of clothing you liked guys to wear

you would mentally smack yourself whenever you thought of him that way, though. you shouldn’t be thinking of one of your best friends like that, right?

you would have your occasional crushes throughout high school, and he would, too

however, your flirting skills were at an all-time low, so you would never act on your crushes. you would just wait for them to pass by and not really be phased by it

renjun would tease you non-stop about your crush (if you had one at the time)... but at some points during you two’s convo he would seem... kind of stormy

like one day, during sophomore year, you plopped down in front of him at your lunch table

“how is my wonderful best friend doing today?” you asked as you took a bite of your sandwich

“terrible, now that you’re here.” he would bite back, but you were unphased as you stole one of his grapes

“oh shush, you know you love me.” you wiggled his eyebrows at him and he just gave you a look of disgust (in a loving way of course)

you then went on your rant about how much you admired upperclassman na jaemin, about how kind and caring he was, all that stuff

renjun’s mood and his smile quickly had fallen after he heard that boy’s name fall from your mouth

you didn’t seem to notice as you kept rambling, but you did spot his clenched fist which rested on the lunch table

“injunnie, you okay?”

his nickname snapped him out of his trance as he stood up and gathered his things

you just looked up at him, your eyebrows knotted in confusion

“where are you going?”

“you know, y/n, if you want to gush about your crush, how about you do it to someone else, alright?”

after his outburst, he quickly strode away from you and left you sitting at the lunch table, all alone

what just happened?

after you got home after school today you thought a little bit before hearing your phone chime

you unlocked it to see a text from renjun

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“)ʃ: I’m sorry for my little... outburst earlier today. it was a really stressful day for me and I ended up letting it out on you. I shouldn’t have done that

you: ...it’s okay. promise you won’t get angry when I mention jaemin?

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“) ʃ: I’ll try not to

you were still concerned after you guys cleared everything up... something just didn’t... sit well with you... ya know?

it took all of your brain to agree on this, but you had decided to try to stop liking jaemin

you didn’t want to lose your friendship with renjun, so it would be for the best, right?

you still had crushes after this, though. in junior year you were infatuated with the school’s star wrestler, lee jeno

renjun stayed his usual protective self and would nag you every five seconds about your crushes... at one point he said something along the lines of “you’re too good for them.”

“don’t flatter me, injunnie,” you replied and brushed the warm feeling in your chest away by pinching his cheek instead “what happened to my impolite friend, hmm?”

he almost decked you after this but someone’s presence at the end of your table made him decide not to

your cheeks went bright red and you quickly removed your hand from renjun’s cheek. he just scoffed and you sent him a pointed look afterward

you tried to telepathically send him a distress signal as jeno got closer to you two with every passing moment, but you knew you were toast when jeno finally sat next to you

“hi, y/n. so... I have a wrestling tournament tonight, and I was wondering if you were interested in coming to watch me.”

you could feel renjun’s eyes watching you intently but you were too excited with jeno sitting next to you “it depends on if I’m busy, but more than likely, I’ll be able to go.”

“okay, great. see you there.” he gets up excitedly and acknowledges renjun before striding back to his table

you lie your head on the lunch table, peering up at renjun “what am I gonna do, injunnie?”

“what do you mean ‘what am I gonna do?’ go see him tonight, dummy.”

“...injunnie you’re acting strange. do you have a fever or something?” you put your palm up to his forehead and surprisingly, he lets you

a small, but sad smile covers his face and you feel a pang in your heart

“just trying to get over someon- I mean, something.”

your heart felt heavy the rest of the day after renjun told you that

something was deeply wrong, and you were going to figure out what that ‘something’ was

you dialed jeno’s number and informed him that you weren’t able to go. his goodbye sounded more upset than you had expected, but you didn’t let it get to you as you texted renjun

you: meet me at my house in twenty. we’re having a well-needed movie night tonight

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“) ʃ: what about jeno?

you: I canceled on him

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“) ʃ: oh

you: yeah

you: pick up snacks nerd!!

injunnieヾ(❛ε❛“) ʃ: you really wanna be smacked tonight, huh?

you took no time getting in setting up the living room for movie night

cue the tons of blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals you tossed on the couch in the living room

yes, you two still made pillow forts... yes, they were very comfortable...

while you were hitting the ‘on’ button for the tv, you heard three knocks on the door, which meant renjun was here

you quickly opened the door and headed back to decorating the couch, leaving him standing in the doorway

“psst! yn! a little help here?”

you hadn’t noticed that he had four full bags of snacks in both of his arms

“sorry buddy, can’t you see I’m busy over here?” you teased and you heard him huff before closing the door with his back

he set down the bags of snacks near the pillow fort you had constructed before meandering over to you

you can feel his eyes on you and you look up at him “what?”

“why did you cancel on jeno?”

“let’s discuss this in our cozy pillow fort, hm?” you lightly take hold of his hand and lead him into the pillow fort, which is beautifully decorated by yours truly :)

you take a deep breath before starting: “okay, so I canceled on jeno because I knew something was up with you. every time I would mention my crush, during the past and now, you always seem to get upset afterward.”

he stays silent, and you take both of his hands in yours in an attempt to get an answer out of him

“is it something that I did? was I being too dense again? please, just tell me.”

your heart’s beating a mile a minute with how anxious you are and renjun doesn’t help slow it down when he responds with: “I love you, y/n.”

after those four words left his mouth, you were now awfully aware of all the physical contact you were making with him, but you didn’t dare move your hands from his “w-what?”

“I’m in love with you, y/n,” he repeated, out of breath this time “I’ve been in love with you since freshman year, even though you were really cringy in that year.”

you giggled and lightly kicked his shin before he continued: “then when you started talking about all these crushes you’ve had I started getting... jealous. I couldn’t help myself sometimes, and it didn’t help that you went on and on about them...”

“...I didn’t say anything about your crushes...”

“that’s because the only person I’ve had a crush on is you.”

“...oh.”

the air starts to become awkward and you start internally freaking out

“you know what? just forget everything I just said. I-”

“injunnie, no. the truth is, I like you too.”

you can see from his facial expression that he’s trying to process this new information “wait, what about your past crushes, and your crush now?”

“jaemin was an actual crush of mine. I did have an interest in jeno, but you being jealous diverted my attention from the said boy. you’ve been giving me butterflies in my stomach since last year, but I’ve been suppressing my feelings in fear of ruining our friendship.”

“wow, we’re really both fools, huh?” you swat the top of renjun’s head “okay, okay, I’m joking.”

“after all that emotional drama, let’s go binge-watch movies now!” you drag him out of the pillow fort and onto the couch, where you two laid on top of the other as you turned the tv on

while you were finding a movie to watch, renjun pressed a soft kiss to the side of your cheek before whispering: “I love you, y/n.”

you felt your heart melt before mumbling back: “love you too, injunnie.”

[arckook]

around and around - two

pairing: cho seungyoun x reader, kim wooseok x reader

au: idolverse

warnings: none

wordcount: 3.9k

description: you’ve had a one-sided crush on your close friend seungyoun for who knows how long, but things don’t stay so black and white when he introduces you to his new groupmate kim wooseok.

next

“Cool outfit.”

You talk through the mouthful of noodles you’re currently chewing, as Seungyoun spins around in front of you in his blue and black ensemble.

“I know, right?” he says, looking excited. “I think these are the best ones since the first outfits.” “What, your red ones?” at his nod, you nod back. “Yeah, those were cool too.” “What would you even call this style?” Seungyoun asks, checking himself out in the mirror to your side. “Like, techy or something?” “I was thinking dark superhero,” you suggest, slurping up some more noodles. “Don’t you have to go soon? I feel like your leader will be mad at me for taking up your time.”

“Seungwoo-hyung?” Seungyoun shakes his head. “No way, he’s not that strict with me and Wooseok since we’ve already experienced all of this stuff.”

“Oh,” you hum, finishing up the last of your cup noodles. You know you really shouldn’t have eaten that, but ever since your head manager Sungjoon went on leave a few weeks ago, your female managers have been a lot less picky about what the four of you are eating- and you’ve all been taking advantage of that.

“By the way,” you speak up again as you take the ramen cup over to the sink to wash it out so you can recycle it. “How’s Kim Wooseok?”

“Wooseok?” Seungyoun sounds a little confused. “I mean, he’s good. Did you guys talk a lot or something?” “Not really,” you reply honestly, tossing the ramen cup in the recycling and going to sit back down on the couch, smoothing your hands over your pants. “Just a little bit.”

Truthfully, you haven’t spoken to Wooseok since those very brief texts a few weeks ago. You did see him just for a moment earlier when you went to drop by X1’s waiting room, which is when Seungyoun decided he wanted to hang out with you while the other music show performances were going on.

You’d been nervous at first, about hanging out with Seungyoun. You thought he might ask you why you left in such a rush that day, and you still felt a little awkward, honestly. But he hadn’t, and the two of you have known each other long enough to start talking with few inhibitions.

“He asked if you were feeling better, right?”

Surprised, you frown as your head snaps over to Seungyoun, who’s now leaning against the makeup counter in the room. “Huh?”

Your friend frowns back at you. “Wooseok told me you hurried back that night because you were suddenly feeling sick. He said you mentioned it while I was gone. I gave him your number so he could ask if you were feeling better.”

“Oh, right,” you nod, smiling, going along with the story. “Sorry, it’s been a long week so it kind of slipped my mind. Yeah, that’s all he asked about.”

The conversation goes on until both of you decide it’s time to go back to your respective groups to touch up makeup before you go on stage, but something keeps nagging at you.

He couldn’t even bother to ask you himself if you were feeling better, even though Wooseok told him you were sick.

Does he even care at all?

That night, you stare at your phone, the empty text bar staring back at you, somehow feeling menacing. You’ve typed out the message a few times, then decided there’s no point to sending it, then feeling the urge to send it again.

You sigh in frustration, writing it out one more time.

Wooseok-ssi, did you tell Seungyoun that I was sick a few weeks ago? When we all had dinner?

“Whatever,” you mutter, pressing send spontaneously and then chucking your phone to the other end of your bed so you can pretend you didn’t just send that.

Ding!

You groan. You just threw it over there, and now you have to sit up and reach all the way across your bed?

Despite the inconvenience, you lean over and grab your phone from where it had been precariously sitting halfway off of the edge of your bed.

Yes. You were acting weird so I had to make something up.

You don’t know what you were expecting, but Kim Wooseok really just seems like a straightforward type of guy.

You roll over onto your stomach, trying to think up a reply. Or should you even reply? It’s not like you’re friends with him, and he already answered your question.

Oh, well, thanks for that! Seungyoun-oppa suspected nothing thanks to you :)

That message might be a little bit cringy, but you’re just trying to come off as nice to him, since he probably already has a weird impression of you with the way you reacted to him realizing you like Seungyoun.

If you’re so thankful, give me money or something

You let out a snort at his response. Okay. Maybe this guy isn’t as cut and dry as you thought. You’re trying to think of something witty to respond with when your phone dings again.

Good luck on continuing your promotions, Y/N-ssi. Goodnight.

You smile a little at the thoughtful message.

Thanks, goodnight!!

You send your own message of goodnight back, then set your phone on your nightstand, knowing you should get to sleep.

Jamiezzz wooahhhhh, Y/N!!!!! you look hot 😋😘

You laugh at Jimin’s message in the groupchat. Along with her text, she’d sent a few of the pictures from your latest sportswear endorsement. You and Soohyun had done the advertisements together, and while your youngest groupmate had felt totally comfortable in the skin-tight clothing, you were a little awkward during the whole thing. You guess it turned out well though, since the pictures of you Jimin attached honestly did look pretty hot.

Hyunggu🤪 There will be an article with 48739857382 comments about these pictures in like 2 hours, bet

Beoneon I thought you did this photoshoot with Soohyun Y/N?

You thirst over my lil sis again and I’ll fight you for real if we ever end up on a show at the same time

You cackle as you send your reply to Vernon, knowing he had asked his question with total innocence, and would be really embarrassed to read what you implied.

“Look that way,” the stylist doing your hair points to the left, so you look that way, awkwardly holding your phone up to your face so you can see the screen still.

Beoneon I literally didn’t mean it like that but ok

Jamiezzz guys do better you need to hype Y/N up NOW!!! she said this was a challenging thing for her

You hahahaha its ok

Hyunggu🤪 So I have to hype up Y/N but all my pics just get roasted? Make it make sense

Jamiezzz that’s cuz you a fool

You chuckle to yourself at your friends’ antics, then scroll back up and look at the photos of yourself again. Why hasn’t Seungyoun said anything?

Well… he’s probably busy. But then again, his group ended promotions two weeks ago when you last saw him at MCountdown. They probably just got back from Thailand yesterday. Your fingers hover over the photos. It’s not that you’re worried about what he thinks of how you look. You’re just curious.

Youn You worked hard, Y/N👍🏻

You read the message probably ten times over as soon as it pops up on the screen, unable to keep a giddy smile from rising on your lips.

Until that’s all that he says, the conversation in the group chat going on without him.

You worked hard.

You set your phone down in your lap, a frustrated sigh passing your lips. He won’t even say that you look pretty. He’s never really said something like that. He probably doesn’t even think of you in those kind of terms.

“Something upsetting happen?” the stylist asks you. You smile at her through the mirror. “Nothing important.”

This time, at a get-together with all of your friends, plus Kim Wooseok who has tagged along again, you don’t sit next to Seungyoun. You doubt he notices, but you did it on purpose.

It’s not really dinner out somewhere like you usually do- you all just decided to hang out, drink beer around a floor table at Jimin’s apartment. You’re leaving to go on a trip with your members to film for your reality show in a couple of days, and Vernon is on a short break in between tour dates, so it’s the last time you’ll all be able to gather for at least a few weeks.  

“Aren’t you two tired? I feel like you guys have been working nonstop for the past two months.” Nathan, who has finally made an appearance at one of your gatherings, refills everyones’ glasses with beer.

“Uh-huh,” Vernon answers halfheartedly, leaning back against the couch behind you. You pick up your glass and take a swig. “Tired is an understatement.” “That new manager isn’t giving you guys a break, huh?” Jimin asks you, which you nod at. “Yeah. He booked us to film a CF the literal day after we get back from Hawaii.” “Too bad that Sungjoon guy quit,” she hums, offering you a sympathetic expression.

You’ve been doing a good job tonight, of pretending like you don’t have feelings for Seungyoun. You’ve been talking a lot more to Vernon and Jimin since they’re next to you, and with all the drinking games going on, there hasn’t been a whole lot of group conversation.

That changes, though. Of course it does.

“Out of beer!” Hyunggu eventually announces, gesturing around to all of the empty glasses on the table. “Who’s going to get more?”

You stand, brushing down your clothes. “I will. I need some fresh air.” “Someone go with her,” Jimin mutters, slumped over on the couch. “It’s a dangerous world for women.”

You roll your eyes, ready to object-

“I’ll go. Come on, Y/N.”

Surprised, you look over as Seungyoun stands up, scooting behind Wooseok and Hyunggu to get into the main part of the living room.

“Alright,” you say, shrugging to seem nonchalant. “Be right back,” you tell your friends, grabbing your bag off of the kitchen counter.

Seungyoun puts his hand on top of your head as soon as you walk out the door of the apartment, ruffling your hair. “No more drinks for you when we get back, okay?” “What?” you laugh and give him a skeptical look as his hand slides down from your head to wrap around your shoulders. “Cho Seungyoun, I have the right to get wasted before I go on vacation.” “You already drank a lot,” he says, shaking you gently. “Your new manager will get mad at you.” “How do you even know that,” you grumble, even though he’s totally right. “I can tell,” he says, smiling down at you.

Your heart is beating furiously fast.

Seungyoun looks the best like this, you think. When he has no makeup on, and his hair is just falling over his forehead unstyled, and he’s wearing a hoodie and jeans. When his smile is calm and relaxed and for you. When he doesn’t feel like a public figure, who people know and love, but just him. Just Seungyoun.

He lets go of you when you get into the elevator, and immediately you miss the feeling of his arm wrapped around you.

“The two of us haven’t hung out together in a long time,” Seungyoun comments as the elevator starts descending. You glance over at him and he meets your eyes. “And you keep being too busy.” “I’m not the only busy one between us,” you tell him, patting his arm. “Anyway, we’re hanging out right now.” “We’re just going to the convenience store to get beer,” he chuckles. “Kind of a boring hangout session if you ask me.”

That stings. You look away, at the elevator doors, at the ground. Anywhere but at him.

You wish you could tell him. It’s not boring to you, doing something like buying cheap beer at a corner store with him. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing if you’re doing it with him. But you guess that he’s bored with you unless something fun is going on.

“Yeah,” you agree softly.

“Anyway, let’s hangout when you get back! When both of us are less busy, obviously.” Seungyoun continues the conversation without even a pause. “I don’t think that’s really possible, though,” you respond, feeling half-hearted now that you’ve been reminded that his smiles and gentle touches mean nothing to him. “You’ll probably have a comeback and then it’s award season.”

“We’ll make time for it somewhere,” he says, then holds out his pinky as the elevator doors open. “Promise?” You look up at him, reluctant, but give in, hooking your pinky around his. “Promise.” “Yay!” Seungyoun shakes your joined pinkies, then lets go of your hand to open the door to the apartment complex, leading you out into the crisp air of Seoul at night. “I’ll hold you to it.”

What happened last night?

You’ve read Kim Wooseok’s message a few dozen times at this point. He sent it this morning, at around ten. It’s ten pm now, and you still haven’t answered.

You’d figured he would have noticed that your mood was a little dampened after you came back to Jimin’s apartment with Seungyoun, more alcohol in tow. Even though Seungyoun advised you to stop drinking, the way he kept smiling and laughing cluelessly made you want your mind to be a little foggy. You’d been a little quiet, but that’s how you get when you drink anyway, and your friends probably hadn’t noticed anything different.

But Kim Wooseok seems to have the perceptive skills of a fortune teller.

You and Soohyun had gone to get dinner together after doing a pretty long vlive earlier, but now you’re alone by the Han river, having wanted some time to yourself to think before you go on the trip with the girls.

Your thumbs hover over the screen, but instead of typing, you just sigh, looking out over the river. You like the river a lot. When you were a trainee, you used to come and sit on the banks with the other trainees and eat snacks from the convenience store after practice. You were supposed to be studying when you didn’t have practice, but you always thought if you debuted, you wouldn’t need to have good grades anyway.

You’d been really stressed out, in those days. Worried about your debt to the company, whether you were good enough to debut, missing class all the time to go to special dance seminars. You’d been so anxious about the company finding out that you went on a date with one of your classmates that you told him the next day you didn’t think you could actually date him.

You should’ve just dated him. Maybe then you would have gotten in trouble, and then never developed an interest in Seungyoun because the experience of getting yelled at by the CEO would have scarred you.

You shake your head, laughing a little at yourself.

Ding!

Expecting a text from one of the members or your manager, you look down at your lap, eyes widening when you see the text.

Are you sitting by the river right now?

“What the…” you stand up immediately, looking around with a frown. Is Kim Wooseok literally a fortune teller or something? A psychic? Whatever someone who can see the future is called.

How did you know that?!?!

You text back, squinting to try and see if anyone walking around looks like him.

Hold on.

“Hold on?” you repeat out loud, in awe. What is going on?

You stand there in confusion for about twenty seconds, until someone walks off of the bridge that’s nearby and starts walking directly towards you.

“Are you a psychic?” you ask Kim Wooseok when he approaches you, hands tucked into his coat, mask over his mouth, glasses on. You see his cheeks lift up slightly like they do when he barely smiles. “Yup.” You give him an incredulous look. “Be honest.” “Are you telling me you actually believe in psychics, Y/N-ssi?” Wooseok says, his head tilting slightly to the left. “I was walking with a friend and saw you.”

You squint at him, not answering. This time he actually laughs, probably in disbelief. “What? You believe in psychics more than that?”

“No,” you start, crossing your arms. “That just doesn’t make sense. You don’t even live over here. It’s nighttime so it’d be hard to see me even from close by, but you somehow spotted me from that bridge?” “So what, you think I’m stalking you?” Wooseok says, looking unimpressed. “I’m just saying it’s weird,” you reply, clasping your hands together and looking around. You hear Wooseok chuckle under his breath, which kind of surprises you because he’s usually pretty serious.

“Anyway…” you start, since your legs are tired from all the dancing you did in your vlive earlier. “Want to sit down?” Even though you can’t see his whole face, you can tell that Kim Wooseok is skeptical. “On the pavement?” “Hey, there’s a step!” you point at where you’d been sitting before. Yeah, it’s just the side of the river, not one of those pretty grassy banks, so it’s just concrete steps. “Well, even if you won’t, I am.” you sit back down, stretching out your legs.

“Whatever,” you hear Wooseok mumble, and then sit down next to you.

A few seconds pass in silence, and then he speaks up again.

“It was really easy to spot you because you’re not wearing a mask, and you’re wearing the same sweater you were yesterday.”

You look over at him with wide eyes, and then down at yourself, and then laugh. “Oh, yeah, I guess you’re right. It was on my chair so I just put it on before coming out.” “Why don’t you wear a face mask?” Wooseok asks, sounding curious. “Don’t you care if people notice you?” You shake your head, leaning back on your hands. “People don’t really come up to me at night even if they recognize me. I think that happens more with male idols. Anyway, masks are stuffy and I’m not doing anything bad so I’m gonna show the world my face.” Wooseok shrugs. “As long as you don’t care if Dispatch tracks you down or something like that.” “Are you nervous?” you grin mischievously as you look sideways at him. “There could be an article out tomorrow about us meeting each other at night.” He glares. “Don’t even joke about that. My career would take a blow.” “What about my career?” you ask, scrunching up your brows. “That part isn’t relevant to me.”

“Pfft,” you flip your hair over your shoulder. “Whatever. I’m sure even if they got pictures of us your company would pay anything they asked to make sure nothing would get released.” “Probably.”

“By the way,” you say, looking at Wooseok out of the corner of your eye, a little sheepish. “Sorry I ignored your text. It’s kind of awkward that you showed up out of nowhere before I replied.”

“I expected you to ignore it,” he says. “You seem bad with confrontation.” “You can say that again,” you mutter.

“...He said something, didn’t he?” Wooseok says, looking over at you. “Seungyoun.” You match his gaze, teeth biting into your bottom lip. You look away. “It’s not that he said something in particular. It’s just that sometimes I realize that… that he just doesn’t care about me the same way I care about him.”

Wooseok is quiet for a moment, then he sighs under his breath, but he doesn’t talk.

“Sorry,” you tug on your fingers, chuckling although you know it sounds kind of strained. “I don’t mean to complain to you, I know we’re not really friends or anything…” “You don’t talk about your problems to people, do you?” he says, turning to face you. Still fidgeting, you shrug. “Just my members sometimes, I guess. I don’t want to trouble anyone.” Wooseok sighs again, a sharper sound this time. He looks away from you, and out of your peripherals, you can see him looking up at the sky. “I get that.”

“Well if you have problems, you can tell me about them if you want,” you blurt out, not really knowing why. Wooseok looks at you, his expression a mix of surprise and confusion. “I’m a good listener and I give good advice.” “Nothing about how you handle your personal issues makes me believe that.” You bite your lip again. “I mean… I’m good at giving other people advice, I’m just bad at implementing it in my own life.” He pauses, then gives a short nod. “Hm.”

“How about this then?” you say, turning towards him completely. “I’ll be your personal advice-giver, and in return, you can keep me updated on Seungyoun.” “Updated?” Wooseok looks unconvinced. “I told you I’m not a stalker.” “Not like that,” you roll your eyes. “I just mean, like… I don’t know. Bring me up and see what he says. Or, if he shows interest in another girl. I want to know so I can force myself to give up on him if things look too dire.” “I think things are already dire for you,” Wooseok mutters, but it sounds like he made it purposefully loud enough for you to hear. He speaks up louder after that. “I don’t want your bad advice, but I’ll help you if you buy me food.”

Well. That’s honestly probably a better idea.

“Deal.” you hold out your hand. Wooseok looks at it, still seeming skeptical, then reaches out and grasps it. His hands are pretty, you notice, as he shakes yours once, firmly.

“Don’t be weird about it,” he says, a warning tone in his voice. “What?” you scrunch your nose. “I’m not weird.” At this, Wooseok laughs. Actually laughs, not the awed one from before. “Not weird? I’m amazed you even said that.” “Whatever,” you shrug, leaning back on your hands again. “People like my personality.” “I’m sure your fans find it… endearing.” “Why’d you have to say endearing like that?!”

“What’re you so peppy for?” Eunmi asks when you get back to your apartment. You shrug, dropping your keys in the dish by the door. “Just ‘cause.”

She gives you a doubtful look as she mixes up what looks like some bibimbap at the breakfast bar. “Did Cho Seungyoun text you or something?” “Nope,” you say, popping the p. “I’ll see you in the morning, unnie!” “Huh?” she calls after you. “L/N Y/N, I swear if you went out to see him-”

You shut your bedroom door behind you, feeling very content.

You pull out your phone, tapping on Kim Wooseok’s name, and snap a selfie with the peace sign up to send to him.

Let’s work hard, Wooseok-ssi! Pick a place to eat, for when I get back from Hawaii~~

A few minutes go by while you take off your makeup and do your skincare routine before you check to see if he’s responded.

Just go to sleep 

You nod to yourself. That seems like him.

You sleep well that night.

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2017

Not a very good year for hit songs. Still better than the next one, though.

And a very satisfying #1 that launched an entire infodump about a specific band. I’m not even sorry.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

2017 might not sound super distant, but it’s already distant enough to analyse what started to happen to me that year with some clarity. This is when I started to lose some of my energy and motivation. A lot, in fact. Everything suddenly felt exhausting and this whole “what’s even the point of anything” mentality started to fall on my shoulders. And you know what, at first, while making these recaps, I had no idea what started it all. Was it that super rare infection I caught in early 2018 and almost made me lose a part of a finger? Was it both my grandfathers dying in mid 2018? Was it the general state of the world? But no, I did some digging and noticed this general exhaustion actually started right during summer 2017 and I was like what the f█ck happened in summer 2017? That summer was fine?

And then it clicked. I know exactly what kickstarted my spiral into about 18 months of depression, and it’s got nothing to do with health or family. It’s something that shouldn’t have affected my life in any way, and that I kinda tried to ignore at the time, and some of you might even find me overdramatic or cringy for letting it affect my life. But yeah, as I’ve realised while making these lists, Linkin Park was actually a super important part of my life, so it makes perfect sense: what started it all was Chester Bennington killing himself. Clearly, someone who had contributed so much to convince me that life was worth living and who suddenly decided it wasn’t worth it, that had a huge impact on me, whether I wanted it or not.

Aaaand now I’m crying again. Great.

Anyway. Uh. Important albums that year! Yeah so uh. Depeche Mode made Spirit and it wasn’t good, and so I kinda lost faith they would ever make a great album again, but I did realise one of my teenage dreams and saw them in concert in the Stade de France in July 2017 (it was huge. Going home after that felt like waking up from some sort of hypnotic trance. They even played Walking In My Shoes, one of my absolute favorite songs from them, along with a video featuring a trans person going to work and I started to bawl my eyes out in the middle of the f█cking crowd). Nine Inch Nails also made Add Violence and continued to be super good, and Indochine made 13, and while it wasn’t nearly as good as Black City Parade, it was also better than La République des Météors, so I was pretty happy about that. EDIT: Forgot about Under Your Spell by The Birthday Massacre, which blew my goddamn mind, but still not as much as the next album I'm gonna talk about.

But the defining album of the year, to me, was Mike Oldfield making a sequel to my favorite album from him, with Return to Ommadawn. Of course it’s not as good as Ommadawn. But still. If Ommadawn felt like discovering a new strange country full of weird folklore and forests and mysterious buildings, Return to Ommadawn feels like going back there half a century later and seeing things in ruins and wounded people, but still trying to seek beauty and joy in a partly destroyed landscape. It makes perfect sense considering the circumstances that surround the making of this thing, and it was the only way to make a good sequel to such a legendary album.

Unelligible songs that piss me off... uh, actually there’s only Cut to the Feeling by Carly Rae Jepsen. Why wasn’t it a huge hit. Come to think of it, why hasn’t any Carly Rae song been a huge hit since Good Times. This feels unfair.

Time for some honorable mentions, then.

Feels and also Slide (Calvin Harris and a lot of other people) - Got nothing to say about either of these songs, but they’re both pretty good.

Katchi (Ofenbach) - Nice little earworm.

No Roots (Alice Merton) - Super surprised this was a hit. Good.

OK (Robin Schulz ft James Blunt) - That’s a James Blunt song in the year of our lord 2017 and it sounds actually good??

What About Us (Pink) - Really caught my attention and made me wonder if I should listen to Pink again after a long streak of mediocre Pink songs.

Congratulations (Post Malone) - I find the song mostly boring but the guest verse ending with “uh, Malone... I gotta play on my phone...” is the stuff of legends and that got a chuckle out of me every time I heard it.

Glorious (Macklemore) - I’m glad this was a hit here but at the same time it’s not my favorite song from him. The music video is adorable, though.

Fly (Odyssey) - Nothing to say about that one.

XO Tour Life (Lil Uzi Vert) - The fact that I was regularly humming this is either a sign of quality or yet another sign I was depressed as shit.

Devil in Me (Purple Disco Machine) - What a great artist name.

Symphony (Clean Bandit) - Nothing to say here either, just good sound all around.

Attention (Charlie Puth) - 2017: The Year Charlie Puth Made A Great Song.

All Stars (Martin Solveig & Alma) - The last cut. It was on the list at some point. I really like it a lot, though.

And now, the list. The stuff I genuinely love starts at #6 and things that are still on my mp3 player to this day start at #4.

10 - Chained to the Rhythm (Katy Perry)

US: #73 / FR: #10

I just love the concept of a Katy Perry song about how Katy Perry songs are happy nonsense distracting you from actual issues. What can I say, I’m a sucker for meta stuff.

9 - Water Under The Bridge (Adele)

US: #88 / FR: Not on the list

An Adele song projecting actual positive energy!? That automatically goes on the list.

8 - Praying (Kesha)

US: #67 / FR: Not on the list

You know I mostly dislike slow emotional songs regardless of how good they actually are. I will, however, make an exception for this one even though I very rarely listen to it considering how emotionally taxing it is. That’s definitely a fantastic song, though.

7 - Viens On S’aime (Slimane)

US: Not on the list / FR: #53

“Listen, we love each other, f█ck it, f█ck their words and their decorum, listen, we love each other, f█ck it, f█ck their ideas and what they’re saying”. Well said, dude, well said.

6 - There’s Nothing Holding Me Back (Shawn Mendes)

US: #23 / FR: #91

That’s a very good song for running and that is becoming increasingly rarer, so I’ll take what I can get.

5 - Paris (The Chainsmokers)

US: #42 / FR: Not on the list (that’s irony for you)

Unlike Closer this is an unrelatable song about rich young people that can afford to live in Paris just “to get away from [their] parents” but honestly that’s the only negative thing I have to say against it. It sounds fantastic.

4 - Castle On The Hill (Ed Sheeran)

US: #40 / FR: #50

We’ve now entered the realm of songs that are still on my mp3 player to this day. This is the only Ed Sheeran song I’ve ever liked, and I love it. It sounds like a lost U2 song. Maybe from a strange dimension where U2 became more fragile and emotional instead of more pretentious.

I have no idea why this guy keeps making such boring stuff when he’s got that kind of song in him. I have no clue.

3 - Something Just Like This (Coldplay & The Chainsmokers)

US: #5 / FR: #19

Hey so Coldplay is still on my lists, apparently. It’s a bit too slow, some lyrics about superheros don’t make much sense, and the drop isn’t super good, but my god, that guitar near the end makes everything worth it. Just amazing colors and textures all around.

It’s not even my favorite song on that EP! I think Miracles (Someone Special) is even better, but eh, this one is a close second.

2 - 24k Magic (Bruno Mars)

US: #16 / FR: Not on the list (#13 in 2016 but I put it on the 2017 list instead)

Am I the only one to like this more than Uptown Funk? It’s so much fun to sing along to it. And unlike Uptown Funk, it’s making me feel nostalgic for an era I actually (vaguely) knew, the super colorful and ridiculous early 90s. My s.o loves it too and when it comes up on the radio or on our playlists you can bet we’re both going PUT YOUR. PINKY. RINGS UP. TO THE. MOOOOOOOON like two idiots.

This is the song I could have put on the previous list but elected to put on this list instead since it was elligible for both years, by the way! Since 2017 was less good than 2016, I thought it would be more interesting to save such a great song for later.

It would have topped the list too, if it wasn’t for something I didn’t expect to be elligible before reading the French year-end list.

Strap yourselves in, because I had no real opportunity to talk about this band at length in the posts made for the years when it was the most relevant in my life, so this is going to be quite long.

1 - La Vie Est Belle (Indochine)

US: Not on the list / FR: #44

As you already know if you remember some of my previous lists, Indochine is a band I started to love right in the middle of the absolute worst years of my life. These guys had been around since the 80s as a super successful new wave band, then became very unpopular and went underground for about twelve years in the entire 90s, then one of them died, then every member except the singer basically rotated, and then they suddenly re-emerged in 2002-2003 with Paradize, a monster of an album, full of energy, sinister themes and weird provocative songs, and an entire generation of angsty teenagers (me included as you can guess) embraced it wholeheartedly.

And all of a sudden Indochine was the favorite French mainstream band of local young punk/goths! So many kids with the Indochine logo in highschool. Nowadays the band is mocked and well-loved in equal doses by just about everyone, but I suspect it’s just because we’ve all grown up.

Placebo, Linkin Park and Indochine were the bands that ruled my entire world in 2003/2004. My mother hated all three of them, because of course she did, but especially Indochine, because according to her it was partly their fault if I was gender non-conforming. See, she used to say, they had put all kinds of bad ideas in my head and now I was all messed up.

...Holy shit, that’s a lot of blame to put on a ridiculous new wave band who’s first hit song from 1983 is just a long nonsensical list of shitty old Bob Morane pulp novels.

But here’s the problem. Even if Indochine kept having hit song after hit song, those were never the best songs on their albums. Here I am, 31, making these top ten lists since last December, and becoming more and more frustrated to see none of my favorite modern Indochine songs are elligible. My favorite Paradize singles were Mao Boy, Popstitute and especially Marilyn (god, this song rocked my entire year alongside Placebo’s The Bitter End. 2003 was such a fantastic year for dark energetic hit songs)? Too bad, the biggest hits were J’ai demandé à la lune and Le Grand Secret. Alice & June had four fantastic singles? Too bad, none of them is elligible! Same thing for the entirety of Black City Parade. Oh, but that song I hate from La Republique des Météors is elligible, I guess!

So we’re in summer 2017, and my life is completely different now, and Indochine releases La Vie Est Belle (I’m linking the album version and not the music video because it has some violent themes in it). I’m in my car doing some errands and the local radio goes “hey new song from Indochine” and I’m like “oh shit, gotta hear this” and then two minutes later “oh wow, that is super good. Won’t be a hit though”.

And yet, it was a hit! It became huge, even! And at that point I was already loving that song even though I thought it was just a super good but tragic love song about a significant other dying too young.

And then, about a month later, the wordplay of the first line finally hit me with the force of a semitruck. It’s not a love song. It’s a song about the singer’s dead twin. Who died in 1999.

It’s such a devastating, beautiful song, and yet it’s full of energy. I. adore. it. It’s exactly the kind of song you need to continue to fight and to live and to help other people in this day and age. “Life is beautiful and cruel, it looks like us sometimes” indeed. And it’s one of the best on the album, too!

So yes, 15 years after I first fell in love with this band and after they helped me during super dark times, finally, I can put one of their songs at the top of one of these lists, hands down, no debate whatsoever.

That probably sounds ridiculous but it’s genuinely making me feel extremely emotional.

Next up: I thought music sucked that year because I was depressed but I relistened to it and no it wasn’t just me

[evenstevensranked]

#28: Season 2, Episode 16 - “Wombat Wuv”

Louis is infatuated with the new cheerleading coach, so he decides to become the school mascot in an extremely farfetched attempt to win her over. Meanwhile, Ren becomes a cheerleader and goes into pep overdrive.

We start this episode at cheerleading practice where we see that Ren is a cheerleader now...? Okay. The girls are getting ready to welcome Ms. Morgan, the new cheer coach. Louis and Twitty are nearby and play the most immature but hilarious prank on Ren. She goes to do a split and Louis sets off a fart noise. Okay.. As I typed that sentence, I was overcome with juvenile cringe. But the noise is so perfectly timed and Louis gets such a kick out of it that I can't even be mad.

Eventually, Ms. Morgan appears and Louis has an out of body experience. Literally. His soul leaves his body and does an interpretive dance for this woman. It's a very memorable moment. He's seriously in awe of her beauty. I love how Twitty wasn't even phased by her, though? Louis was all "DUDE WHO IS THAT?!??" And Twitty said "Eh, idk... some lady" omg.

Louis’ transparent soul leaving his body to express his feelings in the most random way possible. Only on this show, man. 

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that in addition to seeing that Ren is suddenly a cheerleader now.. we also see that she’s kinda terrible at it. So, how in the world did she make it onto the squad in the first place??? This is a question that always pops into my head every single time I watch this episode. Then, without fail, I always breathe a strange sigh of relief when the writers actually bother to explain the situation through dialogue between Louis and Twitty! Louis casually says that Ren needs the credit for her resumé to show she has school spirit or something... which actually makes sense. A lesser show would’ve made Ren be a cheerleader for this one episode with no explanation whatsoever. But, still. I find it hard to believe they'd just let her on the team for a reason like that. You have to at least be physically capable! Which Ren clearly is not:

If ya couldn’t tell, she’s the one in the middle causing the entire group to collapse. 

They fall on Kenny the mascot guy -- who you can see was totally out of the line of fire, but purposely threw himself on the ground because the plot demanded it. He quits on the spot and now our story truly begins. Louis gets the bright idea to swoop in and save the day by taking over the mascot gig. He immediately sees this as an opportunity to basically start dating Ms. Morgan. Lawd help me honeychild. YOU'RE 13, LOUIS. It’ll be difficult to have a relationship with Ms. Morgan when she’s busy spending time in prison. 

Louis goes to Ms. Morgan's office and she talks to him in such a sweet and sultry voice which is probably the worst thing she could do in this situation. Louis' heart is beating so loud, he's able to pass it off as some ruckus going on outside. Wow.

Later that day, Tawny sees him with the mascot suit and assumes he stole it for fun. I love how she says "You should’ve told me! I would've done it with you!" Look at these lil rebels over here! They're so cute. Tawny looks extra goth here too which is awesome, lol. Louis tells her that he's the new mascot. She’s so shocked she shoves him against the lockers, and Shia does the greatest scream here!!! You can see him laughing a bit. I love it. Unfortunately, part of Louis' ugly side comes out right around here. He starts totally blowing Tawny off now because there's a ~new woman~ in his life. He cancels plans with her because he has mascot practice and cryptically won't explain why he took the gig in the first place. "It's just something I had to do" - Wow, Louis. The Dramatics™.

I just had to include a screenshot of Tawny’s outfit. Black Doc Martens and some peasant flowy gothy dress. Yes. (This was a fast-motion bit, so this is the best cap I could get)  

Louis calls Twitty over for an emergency meeting after school. Idk why but I think it's hilarious how Twitty comes jogging into his room out of breath lol. "I ran all the way over here, what's the emergency?" Friendship goals honestly. Needless to say, Twitty is less than impressed when Louis confesses "I'm in love with Ms. Morgan." Twitty can see right through the infatuation and knows that Louis is living in lalaland. But according to Romance For Boneheads, (a total "For Dummies” knockoff) he has the classic symptoms of a man in love. 

It's pretty adorable to see Louis all worked up like this, but kinda sad at the same time because this is obviously not going to end well. Twitty suggests "Maybe you just ate some bad bean dip" which is so funny to me, like.... what.

Louis continues ranting about how perfect Ms. Morgan is and says "I think we'd be a fun couple" as he gazes out his window and we get the most ridiculous daydream ever I can't even deal with this. He and Ms. Morgan are returning from a vacation to the Bahamas. Louis randomly starts playing mini bongos (the same ones that are on his windowsill actually! I never noticed that before!) and Ms. Morgan dances around him. Eileen concurs “You two are a fun couple.” Gotta love how his parents approve even though Louis IS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD and Ms. Morgan is definitely at least 30 lol. EDIT: I just checked. The actress was 36 here! omg.

I love how they made sure Eileen and Steve look somewhere between happy and highly disturbed. Fun fact: This episode was actually directed by Donna Pescow! So... perhaps these facial expressions were her own idea lol. 

Louis starts drooling at the thought and we see THE RETURN OF THE ANNOYING CGI TONGUE FROM GET A JOB. 

Seriously. Who thought that was a good idea? It just looks awful and so out of place. Y'all know by now how I feel about this surreal stuff they randomly throw in. It just feels weird to me. Anyway, Louis reveals that his master plan is to go to mascot bootcamp and make Ms. Morgan fall in love with him. Easy peasy! Louis is one confident guy, sheesh! Twitty immediately asks "Wait. What about Tawny, dude?" Awwwww. Then we get one of the greatest moments ever. Louis tries to say he thoroughly explained everything to her and that she fully understands, but a flashback to that moment paints a very different picture:

“Thoroughly explained”? Yeah, not so much. Tawny is so confused, haha. (gif credit)

Cut to Wacky Walter’s Mascot Bootcamp! Where a bunch of mascots come together and learn techniques such as “the basic booty shake” and sizzling on the ground like a strip of bacon.

What school would have a cow for a mascot? 

Louis has basically found his calling at mascot bootcamp. Wacky Walter was seriously impressed so he decides to give Louis his old jetpack. Yeah, let's just give this 13 year old kid a dangerous, fire powered means of transportation. Good idea. Someone shut this guy down! Have I mentioned that Louis is 13 years old? 

After a successful day at bootcamp, Louis excitedly rushes into Ms. Morgan's office to tell her about the jetpack thing and how he plans to fly around at the pep rally later on... And one of the greatest moments of the entire series happens. THE MORGAN UNIBROW IS REVEALED!!! This is absolutely iconic. Nothing beats this series of Louis Stevens faces. My favorite quote has gotta be “OH YA SHAVE IT, DO YA?!” Here it is in all its glory: 

Since Louis was under the impression Ms. Morgan was a flawless goddess, he cannot handle this flaw of hers... like, at all. So he quits being the mascot and gives her some lame excuse. Eventually, the two of them have a little heart to heart and he confesses the real reason. It's a touching moment. It’s sorta cringy, but I can’t help but laugh when Louis admits: "I wanted to hang out with you. Well..... actually more than that" oh my god. Ms. Morgan tells him that he'll find someone who's just right for him. Louis says “I found her. But I think I messed that up too” in reference to Tawny. I’m dead. So sweet. Yay for Louis/Tawny development!!!

Louis then makes a poor attempt at making up with Tawny and she flat out calls him a jackass. Yes. A JACKASS. On Disney Channel. Holy crap, guys. Tawny is the freaking best honestly. She won’t put up with Louis’ bs for a second and it drives him insane. Dats love. It’s great.

Oh, god! I forgot about Ren's subplot! I’m the worst. Okay. Basically, the other cheerleaders think that Ren isn't perky enough. They encourage her to find her "perky place" and let's just say, Ren goes overboard. She starts cheering for everything. Algebra, the mail, and even her laundry. It's so bad that Steve has to do a mini-intervention. Dang. Once she’s aware of how stupid cheering seems, she starts to think that cheerleading is pointless. Ren shares her negative feelings with the squad before the pep rally and all of the cheerleaders get super depressed. Ren was literally telling the girls that their cheering does no good at all in the grand scheme of life and that they shouldn’t do it anymore. I never understood this, because when they go out to do their routine Ren is still putting in the effort to be extra peppy! It’s almost like she set them up so she’d be the only one who looks good. I never got that. Am I missing something? EXPLAIN!

The lack of spirit from the cheerleaders spreads a wave of depression across the entire gym. Oops. It's so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Ms. Morgan tries her best to rally up the crowd but is failing miserably. She gets one kid to do the wave with her... that’s about it.

Twitty tells Louis “Dude, your ex-girlfriend throws one lousy pep rally” which is pretty funny. Louis decides to save the day once again and puts Wacky Walter’s jetpack to use. He comes running out in costume ready to fly around. Ren screams “HEY, EVERYBODY! LOOK! IT’S THE WOMBAT!!” which sounds so ridiculous like the kind of melodramatic dialogue from movies in the 1930s and 40s -- where the actresses are ~so passionate~ they always sound one breath away from passing out. It makes me laugh.

Louis flies around to some royalty-free “Rocky” theme rip-off before he comes violently crashing down (and lands in a convenient pile of pompoms) because he’s 13 and shouldn’t be trusted with a jetpack -- especially indoors. 

Tawny takes care of him right away and she’s about to get the nurse when Louis stops her “Tawny, don’t leave. I have to tell you something. You have..... the two most beautiful eyebrows I’ve ever seen” - How precious is that?! Tawny’s brows would unfortunately not be on fleek by today’s standards though. You need to have freaking caterpillars on your face these days. Funny how styles change. BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. That eyebrow line was such a cute and clever thing to say!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The cheerleaders kick Ren off the squad, which is good news for Ren because she wanted to quit. As she walks away from them, the girls do this catchy cheer: “She’s going! Bye bye, farewell, adios, hey hey!” This always gets stuck in my head. 

That’s it! I like this episode a lot. Louis learns the age old lesson of “nobody’s perfect” -- a message Hannah Montana would later drill into our memories for all eternity. It’s really nice. There’s Louis/Tawny content here, so this episode is already winning. It’s just pretty iconic overall imo. Ren’s plot is pretty cute, too! I don’t even know what to say in this little summary paragraph because all of the episodes at this point in the list (#29 - #20) are all solid episodes leaning towards positive for me instead of neutral like most of the episodes in the #50s - #30s.

Thanks for reading!

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[gendermesenpai-blog]

3:18pm

I just listened to 59 minutes and 51 seconds of the Kanye/Charlamagne interview while I was going through my key database and updating my contact information across my various accounts to include my new mailing address.

I feel like there is no proper way to react to Ye at this point - if you say he is full of shit and talking out his ass, you’re pretty much just a hater, you turned your back on Ye because that’s apparently considered the correct thing to do now that he’s out here wearing MAGA hats and talking about how slavery for 400 years was a choice. And the truth is that a lot of what he has been saying since he came back to public life in recent weeks makes a lot of sense, so if you refuse to acknowledge that and say no, it’s all bullshit, he’s lost his mind and reached a point of unquestionable irrelevance, the “end of Kanye” as people are calling it, you’re really just exemplifying the closed mindedness that Ye is criticizing.

Hold up, what? Is this real life? Am I serious? I don’t even know.

Because if you say he’s a genius and he’s making all the right moves right now, you sound like you just smoked PCP out of a 3 inch section of garden hose.

But I mean I just listened to the guy talk for an hour and only said “yo shut up Ye that’s stupid” one time. And I don’t even remember what it was now, because I can only really remember the stuff he said that was smart.

OK I am done talking about Kanye now.

Last night I performed my first show ever. First time performing my own music. I feel like I butchered it completely. It is really weird when you’re up there. Even if there’s only like 10 or 15 people. It feels way different than you imagine it would. But I fucked up a lot of lines. I had to restart one of the songs and still fucked up on the same part. I was much drunker than I had meant to be. I had been drinking since 3 and went on at 11 or something. And I had been smoking since at least 8. Idk, literally no one said a bad word about it. All of my friends and some complete strangers were saying how great I did. But no one can convince me that it was good. I feel terrible and cringy about it. Sick to my stomach in a way. But I still want to do it again? Is that stupid? I’m stupid.

There is video of it but the guy who is supposed to send it to me is slacking hard as shit. His fucking phone, holy shit - I tried for like an hour last night to get it to send the videos to me on like 3 different apps, Mega, Messenger, Youtube, none of them would upload the fucking videos. So he has to plug it into his computer and transfer them. He said like everyone else that I did really good, that I had fucked up a bunch of lines, but because none of them knew any of my songs they wouldn’t have known that from the way I performed it? I don’t know. I don’t see how anyone could’ve not noticed.

A funny detail he told me was that, like, ok my ex roommates and their weird Chicago friends were there the whole time, and apparently their plan was to fuck with me by clapping obnoxiously after all my songs, but because everyone was enjoying it so much and being so loud anyway, they couldn’t do it. I really, like, I keep going over moments in my head that I can remember where I like mumbled certain lines, or delivered lines at the wrong part of the verse and the adlibs were mismatched, or when I completely blanked and was just letting the beat play out. At one point I just shouted out my own beat. Hahaha. I was like “listen to this beat” lol and just waited for the next transition

I can’t even decide if I’m glad I went through with it. I guess time will tell how this affects my relationship with people. Specifically this one vet messenger we have on our squad who everyone looks up to seems very enamored with me right now. He made a big speech about how I’m an asset, and I’m part of the elite group or whatever, the privileged group of elites, and like, how I’m Baltimore now, and even if I leave, no matter where I go, I’ll always be Baltimore.

It’s so weird, I had basically just planned on being here for a while and just kind of surviving or whatever and then taking off and never contacting these people again, and I accidentally made everyone love me and respect me and want to have long-lasting relationships with me and shit. Well, not everyone obviously. But yeah it’s weird as hell. The big group picture we took at like 3 am last night when everyone was plastered drunk and coked out is pretty funny, I think I actually might pass as a girl in it. 

No one has said a word about the changes, not my face or my tits. I think they still haven’t noticed. One guy asked maybe a week or 2 weeks ago if I shave my legs and I used a couple of the lines I had prepared. We were alone, I think I had shaved the previous day and so the hair was coming back in as spots and were visible enough in the light that he noticed them. I said “why are you interested or something?” and he laughed then I said “Nah, you know that episode of Always Sunny where Frank shaves off all the hair on his body, like even his eyebrows and he’s like ‘I jussst wanntttoobeee purrreeeee’... [pause] it’s basically like that.” I think that was it, he was smiling the whole time though, I don’t think he thought anything of it really. And actually, the way he asked me was “do you shave your legs for speed?” so he kind of gave me an out at the beginning. I probably made it weirder by saying that. But they’re jokey lines and I prepared them to be jokey and he laughed and smiled so I think it worked.

I’m still not wearing a bra. I think I want to start if just to project them because when they get hit it hurts a lot. Even when I’m just taking my bag on and off. And then I always try to go in for these bro-ey handshakes with dudes and they bump their fist into my tit and it hurts a lot. Happened like 3 times last night. I have to like stop doing that handshake or somehow learn to prevent them from making contact with my tit. 

When I first started treatment I felt weird about the tits. They weren’t a huuge part of my dysphoria, and they started coming in really immediately, or they felt like they did. So it was like, all of a sudden I had these lil titty knots that I didn’t know what to do with. I felt kind of conflicted and strange, almost in a body horror kind of way. When I was younger I was chubby and had “man boobs” or whatever and I always hated them because of how people made fun of me. But now, it’s been like 4 months or whatever, I keep having these weird days or moments where I think the progress is slowing down or reversing or something, I check in the mirror and my tits look smaller, or my facial hair makes my face look worse or whatever, and I start thinking about how if my tits disappeared now I would be hella distressed, like I would be like noooo, come back lol. Even though I wasn’t even sure if I wanted them before. Now I’m like... yo.. tits are great. lol. They’re so sensitive!! It’s a blessing and a curse maybe.

Godddd I keep thinking about the show and being like “what the fuck did I dooooo”

It would help if I had the video, I need to review it to see how bad it really was, otherwise all I have is my shit warped memory that’s probably all exaggerated.

What else. I moved into a new house. It’s lit. Cheap as fuck, roommates are cool as hell. Haven’t unpacked my shit yet. No furniture to speak of. Ima get a desk and a chair soon, maybe a dresser. Buncha hangers for the closet. Posters. I need money fuck. I have to get my next dose like within the next 2 days. I only have 2 doses of spiro left. I might deal with it today actually, I smoked some pot and I’m feeling good so maybe when 5 rolls around I’ll go do a little Uber work. Currently sitting on a hot $0.42 in my bank. I do have like $6 in cash on me but that’s food money for tomorrow in case I end up just falling asleep today/tonight like has been happening. It’s almost like a mild case of narcolepsy except it only affects me when I’m laying in my bed. But since I don’t have a chair in this room yet, this is my only place to sit or be comfortable in my room. And I still have that tailbone thing. Fucking 4 weeks to heal just because I bumped my saddle on my ass. Fuck’s sake, what is that? Universe, what is you doing?

Oh, I upgraded my bike a shitload. Maaaad new parts. Like $450 worth of parts. Feels pretty dreamy. Pretty sexy. Although I am having some trouble adjusting to the 48t up from 46t on my previous chainring. I can still ride it and all that, but I do feel considerably slower than I did on the 46t chainring. Maybe it will end up making me stronger again? I don’t see how anything could make me weaker at this point lol. And I am pretty fast on flats! I just mean climbing, like heading north from downtown which is like basically one giant hill. I’m always out of breath on those climbs now. I’ve been trying to do big powerful breaths instead of constantly panting though, if I’m going to have to breathe different, I might as well try out some different stuff and see what works. Panting like a dog at all times is not sexy.

The 170mm cranks and the new ratio have made my pedals/cleats work a bit differently. I am popping out more again. I reeeally need to buy some Time pedals. In the meantime I will replace my cleats. Once they start getting worn down they are practically useless for skidding which is what I need them for, like, to stay alive, because I don’t really use my brake anymore. I am actually probably going to go brakeless after I get my Time pedals. Now that I can ride fixed, and I’ve been doing it for a while, I understand that brakeless isn’t really as edgy and difficult as people think it is. You can ride brakeless and just be fucking slow as shit all day and never get anywhere but look cool as fuck doing it. You can ride brakeless and go fast as hell, but not even skid, because you just know your city and the lights and intersections well enough to slow yourself down at the right time via reverse pressure. With clipless pedals, this is a piece of cake, really. Anyone who learns fixed on straps probably has more trouble with this sort of thing. But on clipless, it’s easy as shit to me, I do it without even thinking. I know how to control my bike well enough to not use the brake that’s on it. And that’s the point where I feel safe enough to try going brakeless. Bare in mind, I won’t be riding the same exact way - I will be extremely careful at first and ease into it with more comfort in time. I will not take unnecessary risks. The city that I work in, and the company and clients I work for, affords me the ability to ride hard only when absolutely necessary. So for the most part I will be able to practice brakeless control without flying around subjecting myself to dangerous situations constantly and without exception. Of course I will eventually probably do that, but I’m giving it time. Like when I took my back brake off after I was beginning to learn to skid. I could’ve taken it off much earlier, but I took it off when I was ready, and it’s worked out well for me so far.

I think I need to write some new songs.

[pandatookmycookies]

1-100 they're cool ones

1.What have you eaten today?-Nothing so far... Should probably eat at some point xD2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant?-A person, and it was cute. 3. What color shoes did you last wear?-My DC trainers, they comfort.4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week?-Frands, there’s been many a funny giggles.5. What is your favorite scent?-Sweet smells c: 6. What is your favorite season? Why?-I don’t really have one, I kinda hate and love all of them for different reasons x3 Although English winters suck cause it’s cold, windy and rainy all the fricking time. 7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel?-PAHAHAHAHA. I have the upper body strength of a newborn xD 8. What color are your nails?-Nail colour, I can’t wear nail polish cause of uni (we do practicals and we’re not allowed to have em painted).9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?-Something cute, like a lil loveheart near my eye or something. 10. What is something you find romantic?-EVERYTHING!! Just genuinely giving a shit o:11. Are you happy?-I mean I’m not curled up in a ball crying in the corner of my room yet so I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy as such o:12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad?-Uni is literally the bane of my life. 13. Dogs or Cats?-BOTH Q-Q PLZ CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME THEM ALL?!!?!15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?-Depends, museum or forest would be super cool tho. Can like I go there now?15. What is your style?-I have no idea, usually “find something that fits and makes you look slightly less like a homeless person than you already look” o.o Although, usually black clothes. They go with everything then! 16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?-Sleeping. 17. Are you in a relationship or single?-I am a one bob.18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now?-Everything.19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with?-Erm I wouldn’t? xD 20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what? -m8 I am literally a grudge queen, these two girls took the piss out of my art and I still dislike them for that. 21. How did you celebrate last Halloween?-Erm... I think I was working? Maybe? not really sure o.o Can’t remember.22. Have you recently made any big decisions? -Yes, waking up is one of those decisions.23. Were you ever in a school play?-Yeah, only back in Lithuania tho x3 24. What movie would you use to describe your life?-Some really cringy comedy where the main character is horrendous at life.25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?-Travelling!! Because no monies or time :C I’d also like to go volunteer at a bunch of animal shelters abroad and help them fix everything up and stuff, but once again, dollah and time :c 26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”-Everything.27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex?-This weird competition thing that we seem to have?? Like, can we not just love each other and stop judging?!?! Like just be nice to each other Q-Q And the fact that a lot of us have really bad self-confidence, like no gurl!! I love you and you are beautiful in every way please don’t hate yourself!! 28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex?-How most of them assume that the friendzone is a thing, and it’s like!?!? WHY IS BEING MY FRIEND SO DIFFICULT FOR YOU?!!? ALSO THAT’S LIKE EXACTLY HOW YOU WOULD GO ABOUT EVEN ATTEMPTING TO BE ANYTHING MORE WITH ME SO WHY YOU COMPLAINING!?!? And this whole “oh she’s a slut cause she did this or that” yet, some of them go about begging ladies to do that exact thing they shame us about... it’s like?!? where the fuck is the logic in that??? 29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?-Erm... good question... Erm... Nothing really o.o I mean I woke up and didn’t die whilst driving home? 30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?-A lot of things o.o31. How long was your longest relationship?-3 years and 11 months. 32. Have you ever been in love?-Idk what it was man, maybe??33. Are you currently in love?-WHAT IS LOVE, BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE!!!34. Why did your last relationship end?-WELLLLL!!! A shit tonne of reasons but the breaking point was when my lung popped and the ambulance had to take me to the hospital, he decided to ring me and shout at me and have an argument with me because it meant that I wasn’t going to go around to his house?... and then he didn’t wanna visit me until I asked him to, and told him that my parents will pick him up and take him home afterwards, and he was an absolute ass whilst I was at home for like a month trying to heal, he literally said to me “your lung drain (he meant chest drain but alright fam) is out now so don’t expect any sympathy from me, clearly you’re fine otherwise they wouldn’t have taken it out” and pretty much still expected me to do everything for him c: So yeah... things weren’t very fab xD 35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?-Just one earing in my second hole, the piercing place, never really got round to changing it tbh. 36. When was the last time you cried and why?-Like 2 weeks ago or something? I had to run out of the classroom and lock myself in the uni toilets and have a lil bit of a breakdown c: No idea, think I just bottled up everything too much.37. Name someone pretty.-ALL OF YOU READING THIS!!38. What did you receive last Valentines Day?-Neda bought me a potted plant for my room x3 That was cute. 39. Do you get jealous easily?-Eh, depends, like not usually but if you give me reason then hell yeah. 40. Have you ever been cheated on?-Yes.41. Do you trust your partner/best friend?-Yes c: 42. Ever had detention?-A few times. 43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city?-Eh, kinda like... idk... a bit of both?? Like I’d be scared if it was the countryside in the sense that there’s no one else anywhere near you, cause then like if someone murders me no one will know Q-Q But yeah, countryside ish would be nice c: 44. What do people call you? -Depends who really o: And when xD if people are pissed off at me they usually say Agnes or something. 45. What was the last book you read? -BSAVA Manual of Canine and Feline Oncolody 3rd edition. 46. How big of a nerd/dork are you? -Not really sure? o:47. What kind of music do you listen to?-A lil bit of everything x3 but lately mostly metal.48. How tall are you?-164cm fuck knows in ft... maybe 5ft4??49. Do you like kids?-Depends xD Like... They usually annoy me. Unless they’re cool. 50. Favorite fruits?-Watermelon. 51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?-Jeans.52. What’s your earliest memory?-Drawing on the walls in my room in lithuania. That was fun.53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you?-Noes o: well not as far as I know anyway.54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?-Depends o: But usually I’m behind the camera. 55. Do you have a collection of anything? -Loads of stuff that I keep in case I ever use it for art (like really, not had any time ever so that’s probably very unlikely but who knows!!!)56. Do you save money or spend it? -Bit of all really o:57. What would your dream house be like?-Full of dogs and cats, maybe some llamas.58. What top 5 things make you the angriest?-When people hurt me friends, stupid drivers on the road THAT DON’T USE THEIR FUCKING INDICATORS!?!?!, when pheasants run out in front of the car whilst driving to uni, uni, slow walkers. 59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face?-Goldi, nice people, glitter, being appreciated, animal videos.60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?-FUCK THE JOB, literally i can’t even swim but fuck everything. That lil pooch getting saved. 61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?-a) i tell people I care about.b) TRAVEL!! :D make a playlist for my funeral so then everyone can boogie. c) Probably a bit, but eh. 62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.-Ventricular fibrillation can be treated with lidocaine. 63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?-Australia or Iceland. Or somewhere pretty. 64. Do you like the beach?-Yes Q-Q 65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special?-Yes, Goldi.66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it!-Nope c: i think it would drive people nuts having to write my full name out if I did tbh xD 67. Do you talk to yourself?-Of course.68. Describe your hair.-Blonde?? Weird?? A pain in the ass.69. What is the meaning of life.-You tell me? 70. What is your ideal partner like?-A human being c: A nice one. One that gives a shit, and will deal with the way that I am.71. Do you want to get married?-Maybe one day o: 72. Do you want to have kids?-Maybe one day, but for now nah thanks.73. Like or dislike your family?-Close family like, some of the family in Lithuania not so much.74. Are you Chunky or Slim?-I’m like chubby? idk??75. Would you consider yourself smart? -I mean I can be, but I lack common sense.76. What would you change about your life? -More time to be a human?77. Religious or Not?-Nah, although I nearly got stabbed by a lady in the library yesterday because I told her I’m not religious, and she told me judgement day was coming and wanted my contact details and i was just sat there like ._.”78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?-Sav, or Steev, or any of my uni friends tbh.79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?-Nah.80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?-My friends c: 81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?-Cuddles.82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?-Yeah why not.83. Do you like when people play with your hair? -Yes, plz. 84. Do you like bubble baths?-I like em more now for sure x3 ALL OF THE BATHBOMBS!!85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?-Nah. Well, not me personally. But been in a car whilst it was pulled over. 86. Have you ever danced in the rain?-Yes!! That’s how I used to spend my summer holidays at my nans xD When we’d get massive summer showers, it was beautiful.87. Do you trust anyone with your life?-Doctors. Maybe.88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?-FFS.89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week) -Iceland, Australia, Sweden, America, Canada, Bahamas, Hawaii. erm... Idk, just take me wherever it’s pretty!!90. How was your day today?-So far I’ve not died so good c: Wbu?91. Play an instrument? -Nah xD92. Describe the what you think of the ocean.-Its so beautiful, and hides so many petrifying things!! Likw ALL of that wildlife there!! like... I wanna see it all. 93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?-Aliens for sure, ghosts, more on the fence about.94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be? -Eh, not really, but its a work in progress c: 95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side?-Oh yes xD96. When are you vulnerable?-All the time. I’m fragile. 97. How much free time do you have?-Literally -2000000.98. Do you like to go hiking? -Yeah sure! :D 99. Odd or Even Numbers?-Hmmm... even unless it ends with a 5. 100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities?-Hmm not really sure D: I’m a massive wimp especially when it comes to heights and stuff... like... Don’t really know o: Maybe one day!! :3 Thanking you for the ask!! And I’m ever so sorry it’s took me so long Q-Q Like I am terrible i know D: