#but it really be hard out here when you don't know how to self advocate for a persistently emotionally present romantic partner

[muu-kun]

[treasure-mimic]

So, let me try and put everything together here, because I really do think it needs to be talked about.

Today, Unity announced that it intends to apply a fee to use its software. Then it got worse.

For those not in the know, Unity is the most popular free to use video game development tool, offering a basic version for individuals who want to learn how to create games or create independently alongside paid versions for corporations or people who want more features. It's decent enough at this job, has issues but for the price point I can't complain, and is the idea entry point into creating in this medium, it's a very important piece of software.

But speaking of tools, the CEO is a massive one. When he was the COO of EA, he advocated for using, what out and out sounds like emotional manipulation to coerce players into microtransactions.

"A consumer gets engaged in a property, they might spend 10, 20, 30, 50 hours on the game and then when they're deep into the game they're well invested in it. We're not gouging, but we're charging and at that point in time the commitment can be pretty high."

He also called game developers who don't discuss monetization early in the planning stages of development, quote, "fucking idiots".

So that sets the stage for what might be one of the most bald-faced greediest moves I've seen from a corporation in a minute. Most at least have the sense of self-preservation to hide it.

A few hours ago, Unity posted this announcement on the official blog.

Effective January 1, 2024, we will introduce a new Unity Runtime Fee that’s based on game installs. We will also add cloud-based asset storage, Unity DevOps tools, and AI at runtime at no extra cost to Unity subscription plans this November. We are introducing a Unity Runtime Fee that is based upon each time a qualifying game is downloaded by an end user. We chose this because each time a game is downloaded, the Unity Runtime is also installed. Also we believe that an initial install-based fee allows creators to keep the ongoing financial gains from player engagement, unlike a revenue share.

Now there are a few red flags to note in this pitch immediately.

Unity is planning on charging a fee on all games which use its engine.

This is a flat fee per number of installs.

They are using an always online runtime function to determine whether a game is downloaded.

There is just so many things wrong with this that it's hard to know where to start, not helped by this FAQ which doubled down on a lot of the major issues people had.

I guess let's start with what people noticed first. Because it's using a system baked into the software itself, Unity would not be differentiating between a "purchase" and a "download". If someone uninstalls and reinstalls a game, that's two downloads. If someone gets a new computer or a new console and downloads a game already purchased from their account, that's two download. If someone pirates the game, the studio will be asked to pay for that download.

Q: How are you going to collect installs? A: We leverage our own proprietary data model. We believe it gives an accurate determination of the number of times the runtime is distributed for a given project. Q: Is software made in unity going to be calling home to unity whenever it's ran, even for enterprice licenses? A: We use a composite model for counting runtime installs that collects data from numerous sources. The Unity Runtime Fee will use data in compliance with GDPR and CCPA. The data being requested is aggregated and is being used for billing purposes. Q: If a user reinstalls/redownloads a game / changes their hardware, will that count as multiple installs? A: Yes. The creator will need to pay for all future installs. The reason is that Unity doesn’t receive end-player information, just aggregate data. Q: What's going to stop us being charged for pirated copies of our games? A: We do already have fraud detection practices in our Ads technology which is solving a similar problem, so we will leverage that know-how as a starting point. We recognize that users will have concerns about this and we will make available a process for them to submit their concerns to our fraud compliance team.

This is potentially related to a new system that will require Unity Personal developers to go online at least once every three days.

Starting in November, Unity Personal users will get a new sign-in and online user experience. Users will need to be signed into the Hub with their Unity ID and connect to the internet to use Unity. If the internet connection is lost, users can continue using Unity for up to 3 days while offline. More details to come, when this change takes effect.

It's unclear whether this requirement will be attached to any and all Unity games, though it would explain how they're theoretically able to track "the number of installs", and why the methodology for tracking these installs is so shit, as we'll discuss later.

Unity claims that it will only leverage this fee to games which surpass a certain threshold of downloads and yearly revenue.

Only games that meet the following thresholds qualify for the Unity Runtime Fee: Unity Personal and Unity Plus: Those that have made $200,000 USD or more in the last 12 months AND have at least 200,000 lifetime game installs. Unity Pro and Unity Enterprise: Those that have made $1,000,000 USD or more in the last 12 months AND have at least 1,000,000 lifetime game installs.

They don't say how they're going to collect information on a game's revenue, likely this is just to say that they're only interested in squeezing larger products (games like Genshin Impact and Honkai: Star Rail, Fate Grand Order, Among Us, and Fall Guys) and not every 2 dollar puzzle platformer that drops on Steam. But also, these larger products have the easiest time porting off of Unity and the most incentives to, meaning realistically those heaviest impacted are going to be the ones who just barely meet this threshold, most of them indie developers.

Aggro Crab Games, one of the first to properly break this story, points out that systems like the Xbox Game Pass, which is already pretty predatory towards smaller developers, will quickly inflate their "lifetime game installs" meaning even skimming the threshold of that 200k revenue, will be asked to pay a fee per install, not a percentage on said revenue.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: Hey Gamers!

Today, Unity (the engine we use to make our games) announced that they'll soon be taking a fee from developers for every copy of the game installed over a certain threshold - regardless of how that copy was obtained.

Guess who has a somewhat highly anticipated game coming to Xbox Game Pass in 2024? That's right, it's us and a lot of other developers.

That means Another Crab's Treasure will be free to install for the 25 million Game Pass subscribers. If a fraction of those users download our game, Unity could take a fee that puts an enormous dent in our income and threatens the sustainability of our business.

And that's before we even think about sales on other platforms, or pirated installs of our game, or even multiple installs by the same user!!!

This decision puts us and countless other studios in a position where we might not be able to justify using Unity for our future titles. If these changes aren't rolled back, we'll be heavily considering abandoning our wealth of Unity expertise we've accumulated over the years and starting from scratch in a new engine. Which is really something we'd rather not do.

On behalf of the dev community, we're calling on Unity to reverse the latest in a string of shortsighted decisions that seem to prioritize shareholders over their product's actual users.

I fucking hate it here.

-Aggro Crab - END DESCRIPTION]

That fee, by the way, is a flat fee. Not a percentage, not a royalty. This means that any games made in Unity expecting any kind of success are heavily incentivized to cost as much as possible.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: A table listing the various fees by number of Installs over the Install Threshold vs. version of Unity used, ranging from $0.01 to $0.20 per install. END DESCRIPTION]

Basic elementary school math tells us that if a game comes out for $1.99, they will be paying, at maximum, 10% of their revenue to Unity, whereas jacking the price up to $59.99 lowers that percentage to something closer to 0.3%. Obviously any company, especially any company in financial desperation, which a sudden anchor on all your revenue is going to create, is going to choose the latter.

Furthermore, and following the trend of "fuck anyone who doesn't ask for money", Unity helpfully defines what an install is on their main site.

While I'm looking at this page as it exists now, it currently says

The installation and initialization of a game or app on an end user’s device as well as distribution via streaming is considered an “install.” Games or apps with substantially similar content may be counted as one project, with installs then aggregated to calculate the Unity Runtime Fee.

However, I saw a screenshot saying something different, and utilizing the Wayback Machine we can see that this phrasing was changed at some point in the few hours since this announcement went up. Instead, it reads:

The installation and initialization of a game or app on an end user’s device as well as distribution via streaming or web browser is considered an “install.” Games or apps with substantially similar content may be counted as one project, with installs then aggregated to calculate the Unity Runtime Fee.

Screenshot for posterity:

That would mean web browser games made in Unity would count towards this install threshold. You could legitimately drive the count up simply by continuously refreshing the page. The FAQ, again, doubles down.

Q: Does this affect WebGL and streamed games? A: Games on all platforms are eligible for the fee but will only incur costs if both the install and revenue thresholds are crossed. Installs - which involves initialization of the runtime on a client device - are counted on all platforms the same way (WebGL and streaming included).

And, what I personally consider to be the most suspect claim in this entire debacle, they claim that "lifetime installs" includes installs prior to this change going into effect.

Will this fee apply to games using Unity Runtime that are already on the market on January 1, 2024? Yes, the fee applies to eligible games currently in market that continue to distribute the runtime. We look at a game's lifetime installs to determine eligibility for the runtime fee. Then we bill the runtime fee based on all new installs that occur after January 1, 2024.

Again, again, doubled down in the FAQ.

Q: Are these fees going to apply to games which have been out for years already? If you met the threshold 2 years ago, you'll start owing for any installs monthly from January, no? (in theory). It says they'll use previous installs to determine threshold eligibility & then you'll start owing them for the new ones. A: Yes, assuming the game is eligible and distributing the Unity Runtime then runtime fees will apply. We look at a game's lifetime installs to determine eligibility for the runtime fee. Then we bill the runtime fee based on all new installs that occur after January 1, 2024.

That would involve billing companies for using their software before telling them of the existence of a bill. Holding their actions to a contract that they performed before the contract existed!

Okay. I think that's everything. So far.

There is one thing that I want to mention before ending this post, unfortunately it's a little conspiratorial, but it's so hard to believe that anyone genuinely thought this was a good idea that it's stuck in my brain as a significant possibility.

A few days ago it was reported that Unity's CEO sold 2,000 shares of his own company.

On September 6, 2023, John Riccitiello, President and CEO of Unity Software Inc (NYSE:U), sold 2,000 shares of the company. This move is part of a larger trend for the insider, who over the past year has sold a total of 50,610 shares and purchased none.

I would not be surprised if this decision gets reversed tomorrow, that it was literally only made for the CEO to short his own goddamn company, because I would sooner believe that this whole thing is some idiotic attempt at committing fraud than a real monetization strategy, even knowing how unfathomably greedy these people can be.

So, with all that said, what do we do now?

Well, in all likelihood you won't need to do anything. As I said, some of the biggest names in the industry would be directly affected by this change, and you can bet your bottom dollar that they're not just going to take it lying down. After all, the only way to stop a greedy CEO is with a greedier CEO, right?

(I fucking hate it here.)

And that's not mentioning the indie devs who are already talking about abandoning the engine.

[Links display tweets from the lead developer of Among Us saying it'd be less costly to hire people to move the game off of Unity and Cult of the Lamb's official twitter saying the game won't be available after January 1st in response to the news.]

That being said, I'm still shaken by all this. The fact that Unity is openly willing to go back and punish its developers for ever having used the engine in the past makes me question my relationship to it.

The news has given rise to the visibility of free, open source alternative Godot, which, if you're interested, is likely a better option than Unity at this point. Mostly, though, I just hope we can get out of this whole, fucking, environment where creatives are treated as an endless mill of free profits that's going to be continuously ratcheted up and up to drive unsustainable infinite corporate growth that our entire economy is based on for some fuckin reason.

Anyways, that's that, I find having these big posts that break everything down to be helpful.

[itgetsbetterproject]

📚 QUEERBOOK 2024 is hereee! We made a book by and for LGBTQ+ youth! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

Last year, we asked LGBTQ+ youth: what's your idea of a "queer utopia?"

Not gonna lie - with more than 150 bills introduced in 35 states in 2023 that aimed to restrict student access to inclusive and diverse books and other library materials, the theme felt pretty radical.

And you DELIVERED. With the help of our Youth Voices (amazing queer youth activists from across the country), we compiled your amazing submissions of poetry, short essays and letters, visual art, photography, and more into Queerbook 2024. Like a yearbook, it captures what queer youth are feeling, going through, and hoping for - right here, right now across the U.S.

It's also no accident that it's the perfect small-ish size to stash in your locker or backpack so you can crack it open any time you're looking for some queer connection. :3

Read some more about the book and grab your own limited-run copy of Queerbook 2024 now here.

[mouseinamushroomhouse]

Here's the thing: I don't quite read Gregor and Laisa's marriage as a marriage for love.

Hear me out:

First, Gregor's personality up through Memory doesn't really lend itself to the "love at first sight" trope. Up to the point Gregor sees Laisa, he's characterized as gay quiet, extremely repressed, and, in the later books especially, very compelling when he decides to play up the Emperor persona. Extremely devoted to Barrayar, but also aware of its flaws and historical complexities, and determined to make it better. Not one for making rash decisions about who to put into power in the Imperium - he's too aware of how badly that can be abused.

Basically two points: determined to enact change in the Imperium, and repressed/overthinking as all hell. Neither of those things, to me, lead to a Gregor who sees a woman on a dance floor and immediately falls for her.

Also, I have a hard time believing Gregor never saw a curvy woman in his life before 35. Wouldn't he / Alys have had that particular revelation sooner?

When you assume that Gregor's "love at first sight" story is some form of dissembling, I at least think it makes their entire relationship in Memory way more compelling. Because if Gregor didn't meet a nice curvy woman and fall in love at the sight of her, it means he met Dr. Toscane, a whip-smart, well-connected Komarran political radical and realized she could make changes in his government that he couldn't.

Gregor meets Laisa - Laisa, who came on Galeni's arm and isn't thinking about romance, starts discussing trades and Komarran business with Gregor because she certainly isn't going to waste having the Emperor's ear for a night - Gregor immediately respects her for the combination of intelligence / not angling to be empress or gain power - Gregor starts planning how Laisa, or someone like her, could change the Imperium for the better. I don't know, I find that a much more interesting choice for him. Also he's a self-sacrificial bastard and I truly don't think he's seen marriage for love as in the cards for him since Vor Game era.

So basically, a few days later Gregor invites Laisa to the palace, and Laisa is obviously flattered (I mean, it's the Emperor), but Gregor doesn't seem to have any interest in pursuing her. Instead, he spends the entire afternoon quizzing her on how she would enact change in Barrayaran/Komarran relations and the changes she wants to see in the Imperium. And then he essentially offers her - this, again, incredibly smart woman who knows how to manipulate social networks to get what she wants - the power to make that change and springs the idea of marriage on her.

Essentially, my headcanon is that Gregor and Laisa's entire public whirlwind courtship that Miles and Alys observe was something the two of them cooked up together that first afternoon - knowing that everyone in Gregor's government, Alys most of all, would be so happy Gregor was showing an interest in anyone that they wouldn't look too hard. And wouldn't consider how powerful of a Komarran advocate Gregor was installing in the palace.

(Also, I'm not saying that Miles being back on Barrayar was a contributing factor in this, but I'm not not saying it either. Because a Miles on Barrayar as third in line to the throne is probably in a lot more danger of being hate-crimed by traditionalist Vor than a Miles off with the Dendarii, so if Gregor wanted Miles involved with his government longterm, he'd have to solidify the succession, wouldn't he?)

So yeah. Laisa and Gregor - friends, intense mutual respect and sense of duty, several children, but actually romantic? Eh. I'm picturing the Barrayaran media swooning over their romance - meanwhile, cut to Laisa and Gregor sitting on the floor in their newborns' nursery with like 16 spreadsheets open across 6 screens plotting how to improve representation in the Council of Counts.

(I don't know whether Miles ever caught on to Gregor and Laisa's dynamic. Ekaterin, on the other hand, figured it out the first time she met Empress Laisa.)

[ternaryflower53]

hello i am SO fucking sorry to jump into your inbox like this out of the blue but as a fellow chinese american and non jew i really really appreciate you talking about and acknowledging antisemitism.

i live near san francisco, so i have a plethora of asian american friends who all self identify as liberals, but after i unbrainwashed myself from antisemitism thanks to some hard conversations, i’ve had an incredibly tough time digesting the antisemitism absolutely baked into so much of what these friends say and how unwilling they are to see israelis as human, much less listen to them.

as always, i have to add a disclaimer here that i firmly call for accountability for the IDF and israeli govt since they’re acting with impunity, and i pray to see a palestinian state in my lifetime. but it hurts knowing how much of a fringe position it is among my peers to fully believe that israel doesn’t actually deserve to be demolished, because there is no way in hell the descendants of refugees expelled from MENA countries will be “just fine when they go back to where they came from.” if anything i suspect their certain deaths would be celebrated even more greatly because they’re israeli and the evil is defeated!!!

i just.. i don’t understand how fellow asian americans could have understood the importance of not speaking over black americans, and instead elevating their voices and amplifying solidarity during 2020, yet so wholeheartedly throw themselves into calling for israel’s dissolution. i don’t know if it’s that they’re ignorant of the fact that israel wasn’t created just for funsies or that they wholeheartedly believe israelis are an object to peace for palestinians. and yet they all have the gall to say “punch a nazi uwu!!!” or “i’m not antisemitic” and then unironically retweet something saying that what’s happening in gaza is the holocaust. everything is just so fucking backwards and upside down.

again, i’m sorry for basically venting this whole essay into your inbox, but i see you and i stand with you and our jewish and palestinian siblings, and i pray for peace in our lifetime. thank you again for your voice. may it never waver.

oh my gosh, no need to apologize!! i really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts, and i firmly believe that it's really important to let jewish people know we exist, even if it's on anon.

i agree with everything you've said here, really. i am a pacifist at heart - the death of so many palestinians is heartbreaking, full stop. but so many people advocating for palestinians are using terrifyingly violent rhetoric towards jews (especially israelis), and it's awful.

regarding your point about not understanding how others in our community are doing this... i don't know. i think it's people's internalized antisemitism. i think it's the social media's tendency toward groupthink and people not doing their own research. i think it's the human desire to create a black and white "good vs evil" narrative - particularly one that casts the US in the role of "evil". i think it's a lack of education about the holocaust, and lack of teaching of critical thinking skills, and so many other things.

but ultimately it all comes out in the wash. it's all antisemitism, and it all hurts jewish people. no matter how much people say that they're against antisemitism. it means nothing if they follow it up by doing an antisemitism.

anyway. i could say so much more, but i'm just going to reiterate what i said at the beginning: i'm glad to hear from you. i share your hopes for peace. keep working to support jews, who need allies more than ever, whatever that looks like for you.

[castletown-cafe]

Life Updates, AuDHD, and A Mental Trainwreck

Content Warnings: Mental illness, current events, betrayal trauma, abuse, & family death.

It's time I talked about how things have been for me lately. I'm tired of hyping up all these things/projects I can't commit to, it feels like I'm making promises I can't fulfill. I get too ambitious, I get too many ideas, and even the ones I manage to see through, I just do not enjoy the writing portion.

About a year ago, my focus drifted away from Castletown Cafe. Many of you here may know what that's like to lose interest/hyperfixation on one thing and get fixated on something else, that's natural for us with autism and ADHD. We get an intense hyperfocus on a topic or project for a while only to shift to the next topic, losing interest or forgetting about the previous. I got really fixated on Pokemon Scarlet & Violet, Splatoon 3, and ACNH this past year, as well as making my own unrelated cooking projects revolving around seasonal ingredients. This fall, I got crazy ambitious for an entire fall-themed cookbook and even a Halloween one, things that obviously will take years of practice and experimentation (and need year-round work).

On top of that, however, I have not been feeling as well mentally this year. I've had less motivation to draw, and felt a stronger dislike of writing. If you have ADHD you know how hard it is to get yourself to do something you don't want to do. It's like pulling teeth. I've always had issues with executive dysfunction, and I wonder how much of it I've succumbed to this year. And while I've never been diagnosed with clinical depression, I'm wondering/concerned if I am showing signs of it like I might have been this year with my lack of motivation, my focus and drive getting worse, loss of enjoyment of things I ordinarily enjoy doing, such as drawing, feeling sad more often, and either sleeping too much or too little.

Granted the events of this fall haven't helped. We all know what's going on in the world right now. It's horrifying, it's depressing, and it's easy to feel helpless, but we all have the power to protest, to boycott, and to use social media to amplify voices of the marginalized. I have been very active on Twitter with this, but it has also been hard to enjoy my favorite times of year, the fall and Halloween, when tens of thousands are being massacred. It's no wonder I have been so depressed this fall, knowing the country we live in is siding with the colonizers and is actively funding genocide. Our tax dollars are being used to fund this and many, if not most, American brands and companies are also in favor of it.

Then, in November, I discover that an 80s band I liked is guilty of VERY inappropriate behavior toward women. One I had been listening to for the past few years. Fronted by a guy whose music I had enjoyed since childhood. I shouldn't have been so surprised, but it still broke me anyway. Another betrayal was a YouTuber who turned out to be an imposter with no thoughts or opinions of his own, only stolen from others. Yet another was a confirmation of suspicions I had toward a certain animator having NPD and being abusive, (who, to be honest, I never actually liked, just her art style and cartoons).

Oh, but that's not all! Here's where it gets really personal, but I think I really need to disclose this. On top of everything going on, I had two deaths in the family recently. One was a parent whom I didn't get along with very well, the other was my old pup Oscar. My old doggo has been easier to grieve, because he was a sweet, good boy....and honestly....he deserved a better end to his life than what he got. He was living with my father, keeping him company. My father was the parent I had a bad relationship with, and is the reason I advocate strongly for responsible and careful drinking. Because he failed to do that. He always used alcohol for self-medication, something you should NEVER do. His substance abuse got worse and worse over the years, driving him meaner and more abusive. He was never really kind to me, even if he tried to be. I never had a good relationship with my father, and honestly I know a lot of people can relate to that with one or both of their parents. A lot of us have betrayal trauma from growing up, maybe you have parents who don't love you unconditionally, or parents who never wanted to be parents, emotionally or physically abusive parents, you get the idea. Mine just so happened to be a man born and raised in a time where there was no diagnosis for his neurodivergence. He had tons of internalized ableism that he pushed onto me, and modelled horrible, angry behavior. He also had depression, but never sought help, and I believe that's due to toxic masculinity.

He can't hurt me anymore, though. I moved out of his house almost 5 years ago, and I wish it had been sooner. I'm not sure how to feel about his passing, because of how he treated me when he was alive. One thing I have been feeling though, is stress. He has left behind a house that is a disaster because he neglected to take care of it, tons of debt because he had failed to pay his bills, and no will whatsoever so inheritance is also going to be a mess to untangle. My family and I have been going back to that house to clean it, get it repaired, and figure out what to do with everything left behind. Right in the middle of a holiday season. What fun /sarcasm.

On the topic of Oscar, it's safe to say how he passed/what happened. My father went first, and so Oscar just curled up next to him.....and stayed there until he also died. And honestly....that's just heartbreaking.....I wish Oscar could've howled for help, that someone could have heard him and come to his rescue and taken care of him....but he didn't....I just wish i could have been by Oscar's side in his final moments. I know he was an old dog, he lived to be 15 and a half...but he's with my grandma now and I hope she's taking good care of him, wherever they are.

Meanwhile, Penny has been a new family member since July. She has been by my side to give hugs and cuddles, and I've needed them a lot these past few weeks. Since Oscar stayed behind to keep my father company when I moved out a few years ago, I missed my puppy, and having a little doggo around. And so, enter Penny. She's even registered as an emotional support animal, or ESA, and she goes all kinds of places with me. I love the attention she gets from other people when we go shopping together. Her cuteness lightens up a room and makes the day of many people.

My little fluffy girl has been a big help getting me through everything this season.

Back to Castletown Cafe, it may take a while, but I hope one day to return to it. I have all kinds of ideas and things I want to make and practice, and I also hope to create more content in 2024, even doing more live gaming on Twitch. I got a new computer for streaming, but I still need a monitor for it. I wanna have a streaming schedule and everything.

I really appreciate all of you who are still here even though I haven't been able to make many new things or deliver upon hyped ideas. I feel bad about my lack of content this year, though with recent life events I think it's really understandable as to why I haven't been able to churn out much in that regard.

One more thing: I do want to disclose that my ADHD is unmedicated. I can't get medication for it (not with this hell-thcare system) and I don't know what I should take for executive dysfunction. For those of you who made it this far with ADHD, what do you recommend?

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this, especially if you made it all the way to the end here. I know it was a lot, and some of this is REALLY heavy stuff. These are things that we all do go through, however.

Thank you.

~ Mari 🧡

[mlobsters]

supernatural s14e1 stranger in a strange land (w. andrew dabb)

pre-ep recap being ac/dc shot down in flames much better fit than metallica's nothing else matters from 13x01 vibe-wise and matching the pace of the clips. good job, guys. and smooth segue to it being on in the car

s14e1 / the matrix

wtf jackles, what is this speaking voice/cadence. reminds me of keanu reeves?? usually when i make really out there sound associations, i'm a little high. but that is not the case today. he's acting more like an agent than neo, but getting the keanu vibes :p i can't think of what movie specifically i'm thinking of. the devil's advocate and constantine are the other two keanu movies i've seen a bunch, but i dunno

never good when i'm pulling a clip in the first few minutes 🥴 gonna be a 2-3 day watch i'm guessing.

also don't really understand the styling choices. i get that it helps make a big visual difference between michael and dean, but like. dude wasn't dressing like this old timey fancy man with a flat cap in the au world. is this 20s-ish? never seen peaky blinders but this seems kinda similar? reading about collar pins and bars now. lol

is this the grief beard i've heard about. well maintained, if so

MARY Sam, we’re gonna find him. Ketch is working that thing in London. Castiel is in Detroit. I know it’s been three weeks since Dean… Something will break. It has to. SAM Yeah. Yeah, you keep saying that.

so like why does sam need to be in charge and involved in this vampire thing with this bunker full of people? they were fully self organized and fighting before they came here. even if sam is de facto leader for whatever reason; delegate, my guy. no help to anyone if you're not sleeping. call jody in, i bet she could talk some sense into him. also vaguely funny that we're all Team Family Go! but the family i connect with the most for them is jody and her girls

CASTIEL Does any demon know where Dean Winchester is? KIPLING I’m sorry, did you just say you lost a Winchester? Because, one -- that’s… interesting. And, two, how is that you lost Dean? I thought the two of you were joined at the… [Kipling glances down in a suggestive way.] …you know, everything.

in a way i wish i could have watched this without any knowledge of fandom because my knee jerk response is, ew. because i just don't see anything between dean and cas, i have a hard time grasping they're even close, i've just tried to accept it because the show tells us all the time. but maybe i could have come around to it more if i didn't know about the screaming zeitgeist that is destiel. or maybe i'd have the same reaction, i don't know. but anyway perpetually disgruntled knowing that my reaction is always colored somewhat due to fandom. i try to watch objectively but i know my feelings on things outside the show color my feelings of stuff inside the show

oh, cas. what have you gotten yourself into this time.

mmmk

SISTER JO Why would he say “yes” to you? MICHAEL Love.

short and sweet

man i know jackles is trying to do something different but i do not enjoy the way he's speaking as michael. ok now i'm getting umm. brad pitt in interview with the vampire?? like when he's talking to what's his face. for the interview. lol. christian slater! kind of slow, flat fairly emotionless narration.

um. how in the world is nick's soul in his vessel? didn't crowley remake it or whatever? or did he not die at any point in the ... 7 years intervening between lucifer dumping him in s5 and getting popped back in during s12

from 12x13 CROWLEY I managed to pervert that spell. So your essence wasn't sent back to the cage, but instead, we found your discarded vessel a few years ago… repaired it, improved it, making it a fitting final home for the real you.

whatever, man. nothing makes sense to me anymore. also thinking about jimmy novak called being possessed by castiel like "being chained to a comet" - for all those years

NICK Ow. I don't get it. I don't understand how Lucifer could die and I could live. SAM Yeah, um… I think that maybe it's because the archangel blades were made to kill the archangel inside a-and not the person they, uh -- NICK Possesses and uses to almost end the world twice?

sure. SURE. that makes sense. not at all how anything else ever works on this show, but sure! i mean, i love mark pellegrino too but come on, guys.

SAM Stop saying that, please. MARY What? SAM “It's gonna be fine,” that everything's gonna be fine, we're gonna find Dean, and -- MARY We are. SAM You don't know that. Dean's gone, and we have no idea where he is or -- or if he's even still alive. You know, Michael could have… burned him out or… worse, and… MARY I know. I know he's out there, scared and alone. I know. I know he might never come back. Never think I don't know that. But -- I can't -- I have to think about the good, Sam, because, if I don't, I will drown in the bad. For Dean's sake, I can't do that. We can't do that.

that's fine and reasonable but it's also reasonable that sam doesn't want to hear a baseless placation.

jack getting a grandpa bobby now too apparently

completely zoning out on this demon monologuing. why did they bring the girl along who isn't a hunter. what happened to the devil's trap bullets? and couldn't they make the bullets made out of the angel blades they had on the au world? because with all the dead angels they surely must have a stockpile. wouldn't get this several minute action sequence with fake tension though so

SAM Enough! There will be no new King of Hell. Not today. Not ever. And if anybody wants the job, you can come through me. Understood? (breathing heavily) So, what's it gonna be?

lol okay

SAM It's the -- It's the magic egg that kicked Lucifer out of the President. I thought we could use it on Michael, but -- Ketch can't find it. So, that's another dead end, which is just awesome.

i'm glad the show remembered because i completely forgot about that thing. thanks for preemptively ruling it out

CASTIEL Sam, are you all right? SAM Yeah, I've been better. I've been worse. You? CASTIEL I'm -- I'm just sorry. I should never have gone to those demons. SAM Cass, I -- No, I-I-I don't blame you. I… Honestly, I-I wish I'd have thought of it first. If it meant finding Dean, I-I'd work with -- I'd do anything.

❤️ take what i can get. (still need to sleep, sammy)

MICHAEL Now, you -- you know exactly what you want. You don't pretend to want to help people or save the world. Your want is pure and simple and clean. And that's why you are worth saving. That's why we are going to work so well together. Because you -- you just want to eat.

LOL what. michael loves vampires!

!! omg lol i just reread my 13x23 with my whole "can't kill michael now that he's wearing dean" is that the whole reason we get pellegrino back as nick, so we can find out that archangel blades don't kill the vessel?? 😂

[itgetsbetterproject]

📚 QUEERBOOK 2024 is hereee! We made a book by and for LGBTQ+ youth! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

Last year, we asked LGBTQ+ youth: what's your idea of a "queer utopia?"

Not gonna lie - with more than 150 bills introduced in 35 states in 2023 that aimed to restrict student access to inclusive and diverse books and other library materials, the theme felt pretty radical.

And you DELIVERED. With the help of our Youth Voices (amazing queer youth activists from across the country), we compiled your amazing submissions of poetry, short essays and letters, visual art, photography, and more into Queerbook 2024. Like a yearbook, it captures what queer youth are feeling, going through, and hoping for - right here, right now across the U.S.

It's also no accident that it's the perfect small-ish size to stash in your locker or backpack so you can crack it open any time you're looking for some queer connection. :3

Read some more about the book and grab your own limited-run copy of Queerbook 2024 now here.

[phoebe-delia]

Chicago's 6 Merry Murderesses as Taylor Swift's songs

I thought of this earlier today and thought maybe one or two people on here might find it amusing so here you go lol.

For context, you've got to know the lyrics to Cell Block Tango. (If you don't and you want to read on, here are the lyrics.) I will refer to each of the murderesses by both their character name AND the sound they make in the song: Pop (Liz), Six (Annie), Squish (June), Uh-uh (Hunyak), Cicero (Velma), and Lipschitz (Mona)

I am assigning the songs based on the vibe their story gives me. I am also challenging myself by excluding "No Body No Crime," since that would be a bit of a cop-out IMO.

I had fun putting this together! I hope someone else finds it interesting lol.

CW: discussion of murder, guns, blood, violence

POP/Liz: "Bejeweled" from Midnights

Liz says she kills her boyfriend because she came home from work in a bad mood and he was popping his gum too loud, which was a frequent habit of his. She was annoyed and told him to stop, but he didn't, so she shot him. This is, obviously, completely unhinged. It gives me "Bejeweled" vibes because of the lyrics "didn't notice you were walking all over my peace of mind" and "familiarity breeds contempt." Idk I just see a similar feeling of "you've gotten on my last nerve and I'm done with you" from both.

SIX/Annie: "Babe" from Red

Annie says she killed her boyfriend because he told her he was single, they got together and moved in, and then she found out he had multiple wives. So then she poisoned him. This gives me "Babe" vibes because it feels like she fell fast and hard and found out he wasn't the person she thought he was. This one is all about betrayal and feeling blindsided by infidelity and I think the song fits really well.

SQUISH/June: "Getaway Car" from reputation

June says she was making dinner when her husband burst through the door, screaming and accusing her of having an affair with the milkman. She then says he "ran into" her knife 10 times. We don't know for certain if his accusations against her are true; she doesn't let on either way. If he was screaming and raging, she could've thought she was in danger and acted in self-defense. My interpretation, though, is that she was cheating, and then killed him to keep him quiet. For this reason, I chose "Getaway Car," because the milkman was her own "Getaway Car" out of that relationship similar to how Taylor describes in the song.

Uh-Uh/The Hunyak: "Haunted" from Speak Now

Her story is SUPER sad. She's falsely accused of killing her husband, and then no one will listen to her because she can't speak English and properly advocate for herself. To me, this song captures some of the turmoil and grief she's feeling, both for herself and her husband. As the song says, "Come on, come on, don't leave me like this/I thought I had you figured out/Something's gone terribly wrong/You're all I wanted." And like, obviously, her husband didn't leave her here. But I think it portrays a similar feeling of dread and panic.

Cicero/Velma: "Better Than Revenge" from Speak Now

This was the first—and I'm pretty sure only—time Taylor addressed a woman with whom a boyfriend cheated or wronged her. I think it fits Velma's story very well. Velma and her sister did a traveling dance act, and Velma's husband traveled with them. One night, Velma caught them having sex, so she "blacked out" and killed them. Just look at the lyrics to "Better Than Revenge" and see what you think:

"She came along, got him alone, and let's hear the applause/She took him faster than you could say sabotage/I never saw it coming, nor would I have suspected it/I underestimated just who I was dealing with/She had to know the pain was beating on me like a drum/She underestimated just who she was stealing from."

Lipschitz/Mona: "I Knew You Were Trouble" from Red

Mona describes Al Lipschitz as being a sensitive artist. She says she fell deeply in love with him, but that he was trying to "find himself" and ended up cheating on her with multiple women. She's vague about how he died, but she does give us this pretty crazy line:

"I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive... and I saw him dead"

Anyway, to be honest, part of what made me pick this song was picturing the music video: this suave, charming artist flirting with this girl and then leaving her because he's a "loner" and a "drifter." I think the story she tells goes well with the vibe of the song.

If you made it this far—thanks for reading!! 💛

[lunazera]

So I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD this week

It's something I've had a growing suspicion for over the last few years, accepting I was struggling and then noticing how I was struggling. And learning to reach out for help.

I don't think it's sunk in yet.

The diagnosis is not really important to me honestly, my experiences would be here with or without it. But it does help me now get access to help in different forms.

I've always been hesitant to openly relate to ADHD, some fear of labelling myself with something that I might not be. As if it's so wrong to question your experiences. It shouldn't be wrong, but it's been so hard to break past that with many things in my life.

It really took advocating for myself and trusting my experiences (and my partner who sees me a lot). Nobody else was going to tell me this. Most people likely don't see how much I struggle, not unless I'm open about it. And generally, I'm not open. So who would know but myself?

Seeing hate and vitriol against self-dxing made me afraid to speak about my own experiences. But I never understood it. Your experiences are yours, others cant know them unless you share. A diagnosis is an external observation, but those experiences are real with or without it. Your internal experience shouldn't be gatekept. Experiences should be listened to, first and foremost. Maybe sometimes a different diagnosis makes more sense, but the experiences of the person shouldn't be invalidated. If someone relates to something, enough to question about experiences, there's probably a reason why.

Diagnoses are often gatekept behind walls of access, especially with cost. I could only look into ADHD because it became affordable and accessible. Until recently it was not possible, wanting report cards I have no access to and report about 20 years ago from a mom I'm mostly no contact with. My childhood was very irregular and disruptive, and it seemed for a while that it was just not possible to have a diagnosis done. Glad I found another route I could afford, but I can imagine many cannot. That doesn't mean their experiences aren't real. It always comes back to trusting yourself, trusting your experiences, trusting when you relate to someone others experiences. It took me 13 years from having the thought that I was trans to come out as a transwoman. And most of that time was spent not trusting myself. Not trusting that I was relating to trans experiences, and being afraid to label myself with something unless I was absolutely certain. In the end, nobody else could tell me I was trans. I had to trust myself and what I was experiencing.

Gatekeeping only ever hurt me, made me distrust myself, invalidate and deny what I was experiencing, and silenced me from speaking or reaching out for help.

Anyways, I'll leave off with this.

I'm also suspecting some level of autism. I'll likely never pursue a diagnosis (its also very expensive), and even identifying as such is not too important to me. But, that question is there, and with or without a dx my experiences are there.

[putschki1969]

Hello Puts, how are you?

Thanks always for your hard work.

Here's my question: what do you think of Hikaru's current solo career?

Hello there!

I am okay, a little busy but nothing I can't handle.

Phew, that's a loaded question. I have quite a few thoughts about Hikaru's current situation but most of them are rather negative so I am a little hesitant to share them. But oh well, here goes nothing...

Fair warning though, this is probably gonna sound like a rant, there's just a lot of pent-up frustration within me🙈

Right off the bat I wanna start with something positive before we get to the nasty stuff. I am a big fan of Hikaru's collabs with members of C.C.C. So glad Takeshi Kato (= SPICE guy) brought her onboard. As far as I am concerned, her stage play appearances are some of the best work she has done in recent times. You can tell that she is having fun and everyone seems to have welcomed her with open arms. When she is interacting with her cast-mates, it's like she transforms into a totally different person, she is happy and carefree, no sign of her reserved and quiet self. I also appreciate that HaKA (Kenichiro Hakariya = head of C.C.C.) continues to write solid tracks for Hikaru, so far he has done all of her freelance solo work, I am guessing her newest song "Flow" (debuted during her birthday broadcast) is also by him. Hopefully they will invite Hikaru to join another play in the future, one with a lot of music just like "Ambient Border".

In a similar vein, I very am happy to see that Keiko is taking Hikaru under her wing a little, I think that helps her get some much needed exposure.

Now that that's out of the way, let's address the elephant in the room: Music Champ. There are really no words that can convey how much I hate the fact that Hikaru has chosen a nondescript app as her main platform for almost all private and work-related interactions. I use the word hate very sparingly when it comes to anything Kalafina-related but in this case, nothing else seems fitting. In my opinion, relying solely on this stupid "Music Champ" app really cheapens her status as a serious artist. She might as well be using OnlyF@ns at this point¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The whole purpose of this streaming app is to level up a handful of wannabe idols by throwing "items" at them (which is achieved by viewers purchasing coins in the app). I can't believe that a large portion of each broadcast is wasted on those silly level-up campaigns or "item-times" which have literally no added value. Just a bunch of people sending items and Hikaru reacting to it. Not exactly my idea of fun. And really, you pretty much just finance a shady app, I bet only a fraction of the revenue goes to Hikaru herself. Everyone here knows that I am the biggest advocate of supporting your favourite artists but even I have to draw the line somewhere. I honestly don't trust weird apps that no one uses and on principle, I refuse to feed into this kind of activity ¬_¬

Another thing that really bothers me about the app is more of a me-problem but I'd still like to point it out. It's the fact that I cannot record any of the live streams. Yeah, I know, as a fan I am by no means entitled to a recording, this is complaining on a high level but it bugs me. I am aware of course that this feature might very well be one of the main reasons why Hikaru favours this platform over others but for some reason, that makes it even more annoying. Especially since the timing of her regular broadcasts is not exactly foreigner-friendly (at least not for my time-zone) so I can almost never watch her stuff live. I don't think I've been able to watch any of her more recent Wednesday lives and that sucks.

On a side note, is it just me or does this app consume a ton of RAM and drain the battery way too quickly ? Whenever I watch the broadcasts, I am having some major issues with my smartphone even though I have a relatively new iPhone. Within a few minutes, my phone will overheat and sometimes the app will even crash. Does anyone else experience similar problems or is it really just an issue with my phone?

All right, rant over. There is really not much else to say. Hopefully this didn't turn out too bad, it wasn't my intention to bash Hikaru or anything. I am just sad that she has chosen a path that I am not willing to follow. A lot of her loyal fans seem to be happy to support her on the app though so I am glad she has that backup at least.

[olderthannetfic]

in response to "not allowed to name your abuse in polite company" anon

wow okay yeah well here we go. I'm a psychology major, and have been studying psychology for years, and it drives me mental how easily people eat up this Bad Person Disease wank.

I was raised in an abusive environment myself and it took me over two decades to escape. In that in an effort to show support multiple friends went ham on the armchair diagnosing of my abusers, what with their NPD labels and their BPD speculations... mostly it was cluster B labels.

Fast forward to when I'm finally in therapy and dealing with my trauma and guess what. My therapist notices that I'm really struggling with xyz issues and diagnoses me with the Dreaded Bad Person Disease! Womp womp. As it turns out, diagnoses exist to Help the Person the Diagnosis Belongs To, NOT as a handy tool for people to label people they don't like. Whodafuckin thunk.

There is a damn good reason why it is inadvisable to go around slapping labels onto other people when you're not their therapist. Mostly it's because no matter how close you are to that person, even if you live with them, you are not them! You do not live in their head! So unless you are a trained professional that that person came to, voluntarily, seeking help, you can't actually know if that person has xyz mental health issue! You can't just slap the NPD or BPD or whatever label you want on all the bad people you meet and then decide that Everyone With This Label Must Be an Asshole Because I Have Decided That Every Asshole I Meet Belongs to This Label that's not! how any! of this! works! It's ableist because it makes it very hard for people who do have this disorder, whose lives are negatively affected by this disorder, to seek help. Backtracking to me sitting with my therapist first processing that Oh Fuck Does This Mean I'm a Monster? That fucking sucked. I hated myself, I felt that it was hopeless, I was terrified that if people found out they'd shun me, or try to harm me.

What also sucks? I'm not a bad person! Shitty things happened to me in the past that altered my brain chemistry and now makes it extremely difficult to process the world in a healthy way. How is that my fault? I have no control over that, all I can do is control my actions and learn to reframe my thoughts. Yes, it's to protect others from potentially harmful behaviour on my part, but also it's to protect me from myself, from this overwhelming feeling of despair and shame and frustration and anger, at the world, at others, at myself for being angry in the first place- because my god, that anger, it is exhausting, especially when you know that what you feel, how you see the world, is "wrong" and "bad". After a while it's hard not to conflate "wrong" thoughts with just... being wrong. And on top of all that internal struggle I still need to worry about whether or not I'll receive proper support, both from my friends and also from medical professionals...That is what this "narcissistic abuse" fuckery does and that is why it is disgusting for victims- fellow victims! to go about perpetuating this term. Everyone's a mental health advocate until it comes to us with the "ugly" mental health issues. Then it's dead silence. I get it. OK? I was also an abuse victim. I've had some truly horrible and disgusting things done to me that will probably keep me in therapy for the rest of my life. It's so comforting, isn't it, to be able to draw that line in the sand and say I am Here and you are There, the reason why you hurt me is because you are a monster, there is no way I could ever be you. We are nothing alike.

But guess what? That's not true. There's no line! Tell me now, truly. What is the difference between "narcissistic abuse" and "just regular abuse"? It's not the self-centeredness. Abusers are self-centered, that's what makes them abusers. It's not the lack of compassion. Again, lack of compassion is what makes abusers what they are. What, then? The lying, the gaslighting, the threats? All of it is abuse. There is nothing- no significant, distinguishable factor that warrants the specification of "narcissistic abuse".

To be frank, I am tired- so very tired. of people making excuses for abusers. because that is all that they are- excuses. Abusers are not monsters, nor demons, not the boogeymen that hunt in the night. They are human, same as the rest of us, and they choose to harm when they could have sought help, redirected their pain and anger, done anything else. So hold abusers accountable for their actions, their choices, and leave us struggling with trauma and mental illness out of it. For fuck's sake.

You do not need a special fancy label to highlight how awful your trauma was. You certainly do not need to scapegoat a whole group of mentally ill people in order to achieve the support and healing that you deserve. The only thing that separates Those Who Abuse and Those Who Do Not Abuse is a Choice. Kindness and Cruelty, neither one is inherent. It. is. a. choice. God. I'm tired.

--

[bettsfic]

Hi betts! Do you have any advice on how to brand/share your writing content if you want to create community or meet other writers, or make your writing brand known? I love your works 💞💞 and i love the way you don't separate between fic and og fiction!

hello anon! so, i think there are actually two different questions here. how to create community and meet other writers, and how to grow a writing brand. the reason i see these as two separate things is because branding is inherently for the purpose of building an audience, and i have learned the hard way that being a writer with an audience =/= having a community. i think that's almost always true of original fiction, and true of fanfiction at a certain terminal velocity of traffic. having a handful of readers comment on each chapter as you post? community, definitely. a fic with 10k kudos? that might seem impressive, but it's just a number. you can't make friends with a number.

we'll start with branding.

the importance of branding is dependent on what you intend to publish and how. if you write a novel and publish it with a big 5 imprint, your brand/platform/following is irrelevant. i've heard this question asked to over a dozen agents and acquisitions editors, and the answer is the same: nobody cares. what matters is the work.

if you're a journalist pitching to big outlets like the atlantic, the new yorker, etc., then branding/platforms/general networking is expected. if you intend to write a book of nonfiction, you absolutely need a following, because that lends credence to your authority on a given subject.

small and indie presses, having a brand/platform helps to sell copies, but that's not going to be a factor in accepting your book. moreover, a lot of small/indie presses are nonprofits, and what's more important to them is lending *their* branding to *your* work.

self-publishing definitely requires a following i think, but i don't know as much about that.

tl;dr most traditional publishing exists to support your work. sure, a lot of it is about what can sell, but at the end of the day, the people helping you get your book into the world are, simply put, book nerds, and what matters most to them is that they want to champion your work.

let's move on to community.

as a writer, the best way to meet other writers is by attending workshops, conferences, and residencies. i still very much love and advocate for the creative writing MFA, where you'll be with a cohort of other writers who will become your lifelong friends. in these spaces nobody expects you to have a brand. they just want you to be yourself. i guess that's what i love so much about writing--generally the more earnest you are, the more friends you make.

to *create* community is a different beast. the best thing you can do is make a writing group of a handful of people and meet every month to talk about your work. that's the thing about community--once it reaches a certain size, it becomes an audience. you only ever need a few writing buddies who are invested in your work to get what may seem like the benefits of a wide audience. i would always rather have my five nice commenters on my WIP than to have a million hits.

if you're just starting out, an audience or a following might seem really important. it's not. what's important is fostering a few good friendships, feeling supported by them, and supporting their work in turn. if you do that, the entire idea of an audience begins to bleed away. it's an afterthought. the love and joy is in the work itself, and when the work is finished, if some people decide to read it, cool. if you then want to publish, what matters is your ability to advocate for yourself, and the kindness and enthusiasm you offer to the people you encounter along the way.

i'm sorry if this wasn't the answer you were looking for. i know it's antithetical to everything modern society teaches us, but truly, what's always most important is what makes you happy and honors your ideals. almost always, for nearly every human on this earth, the truth is that people find the most joy in creating things and making friends. you can forget everything else.

tl;dr you don't need nearly as much as you think you do. one good short story will open a lot of doors for you. one good book will open more. one well-tended account on one social media platform will find you some ways to meet new people and keep you updated on the news of your genre. and one good friend will help you feel seen and understood, and give you the courage and motivation to create your best work.

[askagamedev]

How do you cope with your game being cancelled? I am new to the industry and the game I have been working on for a few years was recently cancelled. I was heartbroken. I'm still having trouble getting past it and find it hard to feel the same devotion to my new project as I did for the last one. Does it ever get easier?

I understand and feel your sense of loss. Putting so much of yourself into a project that died on the vine can feel heartbreaking because it is. You are deeply emotionally invested in it and it was taken from you without warning. What you're going through is grief. It is ok to mourn for your loss.

That said, it does get easier as you gain more experience and work on more projects. Even if your project had been completed and released, you would still have had to say goodbye to it and moved on to a new project eventually. It is extremely unlikely that you would stay with the same project and team for the rest of your career. I know that I have more I want to do and learn with my career than what I've already done. I find it better to set aside the things which are behind when I am ready and focus on the things which are before. It's great to have done a good job, but there will always be more work to do. I try to focus on what's next - what I need to do at present and how I can improve my own skills so that I can level up and do even more in the future.

I would also caution you against putting so much of your self into work. I completely understand the desire to make the game the best it can be because I did it too. However, I beseech you to take my advice. You really should take a mental step back, set some boundaries, and keep some emotional distance because you're putting in a lot more loyalty and emotional investment to the project than you'll ever get out from the work or the company. It is your emotions, your heart, your free time, your thinking, and your health that you are offering here. Neither the project, the game's fans, nor the company will ever be able to offer you anything remotely close to that in exchange. The company will not hesitate to cut your job if they decide they need to. The company will always choose its own best interests over yours. The fans will turn on you at a moment's notice if you do something they dislike. The project will continue on its path, whether or not you're there to help it along. Keeping a healthy emotional distance from your work is important for your own long-term mental health.

This isn't to say you can't feel engaged or passionate about what you do - heaven knows I still do my best to make the game I'm working on the best it can be. However, I change the framing - it isn't all about the project I'm working on, but about me and my work. I'm doing what I do because I'm really good at it. I'm doing this because it's helping me level up my own skills. I look back at my path here and see how I have grown into a better designer, better programmer, better game developer over time, which means I will have even more to bring to the next project I get to work on. I encourage you to find a framing that puts your focus on you and your career. Work through your grief and take all the time you need to. Everyone grieves at a different pace. Once you're ready, find something to motivate you on your current project. If you can't, that's ok - maybe it's time to look elsewhere for a new project to work on. Just remember - the project has a whole hierarchy of executives, leads, and developers to advocate for it. If you don't advocate for yourself and your career, no one will.

I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to check in with me later. I hope things work out for you.

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Got a burning question you want answered?

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Frequent Questions: The FAQ

[ghostussy]

what is your favourite aspect of each of the Papa’s?

oooh... honestly, that's a really hard question! I'm gonna assume you're talking about fanon (and if not feel free to ask me again lmao) but these are my favorite aspects of the papas <3<3

Primo

- gentle old man. sweet, grandpa vibes. Always knows more than you think he does.

- he has a lot of wisdom. He's raised his brothers and seen/taken a lot of shit, so he always has good advice that he can share over tea.

- I feel like out of all the brothers, Nihil fucks with him the least. Primo may be old, but he has definitely beaten his crotchety ass at least once.

Secondo

- hard exterior, but a total gentleman and sweetheart on the inside. tries to pull the "don't bother me" facade but if the reader comes to him with any need or issue (especially if they're young) then he's going to do his very best to help.

- definitely has arthritis. Is always willing to help chronically ill/young siblings of sin who may be new to the joint issues, and have no idea how to manage it. (no I'm not projecting here shut up-)

- also the best driver out of all the brothers. he is always driving the four of them to meetings and conferences, or to the grocery store, or to the locally owned witch shop for more incense. his only downfall is he has an absolutely shit sense of direction, and he refuses to take directions- so there's a lot of detours when he drives.

Terzo

- younger sibling vibes. annoying as hell. the cool uncle that buys you weed to make sure it's not laced.

- he's the one that organizes all the uno/game nights and sleepovers. it was definitely his idea in the first place, and now he's in charge of setting up the pillow fort. he prefers to play card games in the fort, but sometimes a sibling will bring their switch and hook it up to play minecraft or mario kart.

- pretends not to enjoy cuddling in the blanket fort, but they always find him half-asleep in a pile of siblings, his brothers and/or ghouls all the time anyway.

Copia

- the baby brother. definitely has an anxiety disorder, adhd/autism mix, ptsd. the first out of the brothers to seek therapy, but once he did the others followed as well. very big advocate of mental health/prioritizing health over work, even if he doesn't always prioritize his own health.

- HUGE cuddle bug. perhaps a hint of age regression in him. loves to hold and be held, often wrapping himself and his cuddle partner in a nest of blankets, pillows and stuffies. absolutely owns each of the papal robe blankets. once he gave a sermon in the black one.

- he keeps a collection of stim toys and stuffies, both for guests and himself. often participates in self-soothing actions and stimming.

[sparring-spirals]

Hi spar! I just wanted to say I really enjoy your metas and character analysis. You always seem to have a great grasp of the characters and narrative and emotional beats that I find super helpful!

I was wondering what you think Imogen’s mindset might be going forward as Laudna slowly recovers and has to deal with her trauma and Imogen tries to meet her where she’s at and support her. Do you think her conversations with Delilah are weighing on her more now that she’s seen some of the things Delilah put Laudna through (not just her violent death but also how much she took from her in terms of her happier memories of her home etc)? Do you feel like Imogen will internalise this or that it will unwittingly come out as Laudna’s trauma response is further explored?

Firstly- thank you very much! :'''D What a lovely compliment, I really appreciate it :) I'm a real sucker for emotional beats and character dives and narratives that get influenced by these things, and I'm thrilled other people also get mileage out of my metas about these subjects. Secondly, this answer is late, and I'm very sorry. But its here now!

TL;DR: Oh yeah totes. Absolutely. Yes on all fronts. Its gonna be wild. :'D

I think that the entire experience absolutely puts a lot of things into a new light. About Laudna, about her shaded past, about each time she trailed off mid sentence because of Delilah. And I don't think it's that Imogen didn't know about any of it before, or didn't treat it with importance, (although the layers of deflection and misdirection between them didn't help). But it's very, very different to have it laid out like it was. In visuals and ghosts and tangible hurt and misery, in faces to names and at the end of it all- Laudna. Tired, and exhausted, and hopeless, in a cage, saying she doesn't think she can do anything. That the choice is all out of her hands. That maybe it always was.

So I think the big takeaway from this revelation will manifest in details of choice and agency, and Imogen with this deep, shattering understanding of how little of it Laudna has had previously. During the res ritual, saying to her: Make your own choice, please, do what you want, and I will support it. But its your choice. Its yours. She was so emphatic about giving Laudna that, desperately wanting her to be happy, wanting her to choose that happiness.

And that mentality, from Imogen, who has spent years clawing for control, her insides and out upended by bigger forces. From Imogen, who has learned the hard way that her best tool, her strongest one, is a weapon- a mind like a spike, like a hammer, in lightning striking down, lies and consequences doled out without hesitation. From Imogen, who very, very recently, has been reminded that the best way (the only way) to keep her loved ones safe has to do with ripping the storm out of her veins and letting it loose.

(What use are all these powers if not for protecting the people she loves? What are these scars, if not a reminder?)

(Evidence?)

... So to answer your last question- yes, and, honestly, yes. I think Imogen will be invested in advocating for Laudna's happiness and Laudna's choices, and be fighting to not push her into anything she doesn't want. Fighting to not let any of her own wants or needs override Laudna's. And I also think this is going to meld beautifully (Subtext: Uh Oh) with the trigger-happy, protective, self sacrificial "ill gladly do damage to myself to do damage to enemies" things Imogen already has going on.

(So. yes to the internalizing, and then some).

But, as we've already seen in this group of powder-kegged playing-hot-potato-with-therapy individuals, this kind of internalizing is not usually a long term solution, especially under duress (Moon's haunted), especially when someone already has a ton of shit going on (Moon's haunted). So its absolutely going to come out, sooner or later, and we are ripe for Interactions, Situations, and Shenanigans in the meantime. Especially if, Laudna, fresh off of "oh god everyone derailed their lives to fix my issue" tries to focus more on Imogen as a result. Wow what a mess. Hell yeah.

(That said, there are so many other people in the Bells that need* to have 1-1 conversations and resolutions and talks with Laudna, so Imogen might have a bit of breathing room right now for putting all focus and attention on her. So I guess, internalize away, my gal.)

*Need is, technically, MY need, but it still counts. Ashton WILL talk to Laudna soon or i will Combust. F.C.G, Fearne, Chetney, Orym...... Give Me The Conversations, CR. Give them to me.

... cannot wait for the next bit of combat though.

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Some random thoughts about Marisol's reappearance I gotta put somewhere...

Disclaimer: This is no coherent analysis of any sort, but just something I have to note down in some way. And as per usual, I'm making my rambling everyone's problem.

Like, the big question for me:

What is Marisol's reappearance in Eddie's life meant to achieve on a narrative level?

At first glance, it seems rather random to bring back this woman they helped on a call (and helped fix the house in a not at all heterosexual way, but I digress....). Like, why would you bring back yet another woman fitting a very particular pattern in this part of Eddie's story arc? After all, guy's been thriving ever since he went to therapy, and just recently told Buck that he should not date people he's met on calls.

Now, is this just a simple case of "karma's a bitch" or foreshadowing that this is exactly what Eddie will be doing himself?

Might be, might not be.

But if it's not just a typical "gotcha" moment, if this is really meant to further Eddie's storyline this season, then what is the upshot?

Those are the reasons that currently come to my mind (and it's probably none of them, but here I go anyway). For the sake of the argument (if there is), let's play devil's advocate as a Buddie shipper first and propose this:

Marisol's supposed to be Eddie's endgame

Possible, but highly unlikely IMO. I find it very hard to believe that they'd potentially follow a very similar pattern with how Eddie met essentially all the women he's dated since Shannon's death, only for this to be the one. Sure, he's had some "animosities" about Ana before, until he met her again on a call and then warmed up to the idea of dating her. But the pattern would still be (oversimplified) along those lines with Marisol:

Eddie makes some kind of connection with a pretty "Latina" (Gabrielle Walsh is not, but for some reason they kept acting like that... I'll never get the move, whatever).

Eddie warms up to the idea of dating and/or being in a relationship again, which intertwines his arc with his ongoing struggle of grief, repression, and self-discovery.

Eddie reconnects with said woman, potentially on (another) call.

Eddie goes on a date with said woman.

Now, the rest would be just guess work. But if Marisol and Eddie are supposed to actually start dating and becoming a couple (as per the premise), then the pattern would either continue with Eddie dating other people anyway (to bypass making the same mistakes he's done dating Ana), or actually doing just that (because healing isn't linear and people repeat the same mistakes).

Ergo, that begs the question: What's to be gained from a narrative POV? Either Eddie was just not ready with Ana yet, and he'd be with Marisol... which, you know, fair, but is that such a grand reveal? And what would that make it particular about her and how they met that we didn't already have with Ana? Other than that it wasn't Eddie's time yet?

So, why bother with this potential repetition of set-up? To invent some deep backstory for Marisol? Again, possible, but... also again, what's the point? I mean, the writers gave one to Taylor and that wasn't what made her and Buck last, even though it may even have seemed like it at first (the trope of "couple goes through some hardships, but they show up when it matters, they grow stronger together, and they can move on to the future from there").

Which is to say, if that's what we might be led to believe by the narrative at this point... NGL, I'd see that as a red herring, similar to the Taylor teary backstory (not) reveal. I just don't see the "lesson" Eddie is supposed to learn from the same set-up, only for this to turn out to be the right reasons to want to be with Marisol and have that partner who's meant to be forever.

Sure, sure, they could build her to be that over as many seasons. But I'll just say that I find that unlikely. Already for the plain reason of potentially repetitive storytelling, and my failure to see how the same set-up leads to a different result and lets it be "right" in one instance and not the other - for the sole reason of timing on Eddie's end.

Now, let's entertain some other scenarios.

Marisol is supposed to be the alter!Ana

Now, not in the creepy kind of way, but it might be a very interesting writing choice to confront Eddie with just that similar set-up, only for him to realize that he can't do that again. Either to himself or the person he's dating.

It could very well show that Eddie has to come to realize that he's about to fall into a similar pattern as he did with Ana. For example, to conform with the "norm", to simply not be alone anymore (a wish he voiced), because being with her might be "easy" compared to being on his own, to skip all the points about dating that he's unfamiliar with – to the familiar zone of "Eddie being in a steady relationship".

Because the latter was basically his only pattern whenever he's not decisively single. Eddie didn't care about dating (self-discovery, figuring out what he likes and doesn't like in a partner or relationship). He skips right ahead to being in a relationship. And in that way is recreating what he's had with Shannon, as they married young and didn't have as much time as their peers to date other people and figure more things out about themselves before having to make their marriage work.

Which is a long-ass way of saying: Confronting Eddie with an awfully similar pattern, and him coming to realize that this is what it is, could be really great for him. And it'd make for neat storytelling. It may open the door for him to actually start dating for himself, to have fun with the discovery (and maybe even to explore his own sexual identity at long last, oh King of Repression).

Emotional readiness doesn't equal being ready

Another thing to focus on might be this: Eddie may now finally be in a place where he can actually date other people... and not just go on (1) date with (1) person and stick to that person indefinitely, while said person bakes indefinitely many cupcakes... Still he is not ready to date, i.e. be in a steady relationship again. Why? Because he can't keep skipping through the actual dating phase (or pretend to go on dates, only to get Pepa off his case).

Eddie told his father last season that he needed to get better for himself. He's done very well on that front in so many way, but this may actually continue to be his blind spot for now. Eddie doesn't currently date for himself. He dates for his aunt, or to make her stop meddling. He doesn't take this as a way to be kind to himself, to find himself. He treats it like a fun evening at best, chore at worst. And if he doesn't, he insists that him and Christopher are a great team and that this is totally enough. Even though it's not. Which shows that he is still firmly in his comfort zone on this matter.

Which is to say: Maybe dating Marisol will give him the insight that he has to date for himself, too. And that he actually has to go through that phase, can't just skip right to the relationship phase to stop being alone or to rely on his comfort zone to "be enough".

This all comes back to what started with him dating Ana, namely Eddie's ongoing struggle with his grief over Shannon's loss. Because we learned this season that her and Eddie basically skipped a long (mature) dating process, as they married young. And Eddie continues to repeat that pattern with Ana (Eddie bumps into her, goes on 1 date with her, and he never dated any other woman again during that time). And he may even continue to do that with Marisol. And by the power of three, the third time would be the one that does the trick to make him aware of that.

So part of Eddie's healing process and reconciliation with his past (Shannon's "ghost", his own repression, you name it), his quest out of romantic solitude to finally find that one person who'll stay by his side, so he won't feel alone anymore... might actually be just that.

Buck isn't the only one missing the assignment

I know there's a lot of talk going on about how Buck keeps missing the assignment, now with him being interested in the death doula. So what I can see working just the same way is that Eddie is actually not much better off.

Sure enough, he's come a long, long way ever since he started therapy. But. I can totally see Eddie and Buck essentially making the same mistakes in different ways. Which is to say: Buddie parallels and antitheses could be so damn delicious in this. Yum.

Like, even without the shipper goggles, it's hard to deny that Buck and Eddie have been paralleled by the narrative in many ways. Their storylines are strongly interwoven, not just qua being best friends (somehow unavailable parents, Buck's self discovery journey vs. Eddie joining the Army to "do what's right", Buck/Ana parallels yet again this season, both going through and witnessing the other going through a (near-)death experience and struggling in the aftermath, trying to seem fine for the people around them, etc., etc., etc.).

So, Eddie continuing to miss his own assignments would be well within the realm of possibility. That Eddie tells Buck what he's not supposed to do (date people he met on a call), only to do that exact thing. And that Buck continues to fool himself in his belief that Natalia sees him (when she is merely reflecting the image he wants to see of himself and his relationship with his own death), even though it is a certain someone who actually sees him.

And yeah, he starts with E, and continues the odd tradition of somehow rhyming with the name of Buck's sister (Abby, Ali, Taylor Kelly...).

Why make them both miss the assignment, then? Well, here go the Buddie goggles, but I think it'd set them up neatly for what's next in their relationship. If Eddie actually starts dating for himself, if he gains an understanding of what he wants in a partner, he might finally be in the place where he can have the Oh moment. Because what he wants in a partner is what he's already got in Buck. And for Buck, it might be about seeing that it's not the person looking at him with a fascination for what happened to him, but the person who had to suffer through seeing that happen to him. Someone who sees him not for what happened to him, but for who he is.

AKA: Buck has to turn his back on the way he wants to see himself through Natalia's eyes and instead see himself through Eddie's eyes (who's seen the terrifying reality of a life without Buck in it, 3 minutes and 17 seconds long).

And here comes the potential twist I can see: Eddie also has to see himself through Buck's eyes. To finally reckon with his own mortality after the shooting (as Buck saw the terrifying reality of the 3 minutes and 17 seconds, the time we as the audience were made to watch Eddie being brought to the ER, as someone was so brilliant to point out).

Like, there are two elephants in this room (kitchen, always the kitchen). One ever since the sniper attack, the other since the lightning strike. And those two continue to dance not so elegantly around it. Buck and Eddie touch on the topic, but they don't go much below the surface level. Buck asks Eddie about what it felt like. He touched on it last season, too. Eddie lets it shine through that he still knows the seconds it took to bring Buck back. But what they don't talk about in depth are:

What did it really feel like for me, to (nearly) die, and what does it do that with me now?

What did it feel like for me, watching YOU (nearly) die, and what does it do with me now?

The first, Eddie touched on in some way this season. Though it's still entirely possible he remembers more about the shooting than he let on, or it's too surface-level as he wanted to keep Buck focused on himself and give an opening. Or something entirely else.

But the latter point is what's been very much absent from their conversations with each other so far. What does it do with you, to have your best friend's blood in your mouth? What does it do with you, to see your best friend dangling in the air, unmoving, silent, actually dead? What does it do with you, to try to get your best friend to safety, but having to let others handle it, to stay behind the glass doors? What does it do to you, to have to explain to your kid/your best friend's kid that the other might die/actually died?

They don't talk about that. Maybe because it's too hurtful, maybe because it's still too scary. Because maybe, just maybe, talking about it would make it oh too real that this doesn't make them feel like best friends but something much more. It may make it too real, how terrible a world was where the other was no more. Even if it was "just" 3 minutes and 17 seconds.

Now, I've taken a sharp U turn away from Marisol as Eddie's newest love interest and the Buddie in it all, but to circle this back... if the latter point is really something they are going for with the narrative... then the theme of recurring patterns, making the same mistakes despite "knowing better" would neatly fall in place with Eddie dating Marisol, I believe.

If this season is meant to wrap up some part of Eddie's and Buck's individual paths towards self-discovery, then for Eddie, it might well be having to learn that he can't repeat things with Marisol as he did with Shannon and Ana. That choosing himself means trying himself out, finding himself worthy enough of making the effort to find out what he truly wants in a partner.

And as for Buck, him potentially having to gear up and face his trauma to save his friends (I swear to God, red string of life coming back with Hen and Chim maybe, with Buck on the other end of that rope, will kill me so, so dead!)... that will be some kind of catalyst for him. And depending on where they want to place Natalia by the end of the season, say, her continuing to be drawn to Buck's relationship with death and maybe continuing to be fascinated by it after Buck went through that... there's many more possibilities I'll spare myself here. The point being: Buck will also find himself in some variation of what he went through before. And that should bring about some self-discoveries for him that he's been searching ever since this season began. And that might just be what they need to change and to move on, to work through their issues another time.

They need to do similar assignments before they can get the initial assignment right at long last.

Alright, that's been waaaaay too long. Here's to more shenanigan and this season finale ripping our hearts out! Woohoo!

[cg-saturn]

Hiii gubby m hopes u hads a good day!! mm wonderins if gubby Hans any tips on how to not be so obewstimuwated cuz da fings mm usually dobes nots wowkins an mm been obewstimuwated for wike to weeks now and m hasn’t even been boin anyfing actually alots of m stuffs dat m was boing was stopped cuz it’s getting colb nows so m was jus wondering if u hab any tips fow dats

Awso hewe sum cookies!! 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪

Hey lil buddy!! I'm so sorry you've been feeling overstimulated recently, that's never easy. Sometimes the Big world can have too much happening and it's hard to process it all without getting overwhelmed. At times like this, the best thing you can do is try and take care of yourself.

When I was in high school and got really overstimulated it was hard to find ways to calm myself down, especially with a family and homework and everything else. When things got to be too much, I found that closing my door and turning off notifications could be really helpful. Music was the best way for me to block out the Big world. I always would make playlists of music that made me feel relaxed, or find low-fi playlists online. I've always been a huuuge bath advocate, sometimes being able to just sit in the tub and enjoy the bubbles and quiet. If you don't have a bath, showers work just as well! You don't have to wash yourself even, just stand under the warm water and let the world drip away. I also loved to do basic self-care like face masks or painting my nails.

I always found it calming to do repetitive motions, that's why I picked up knitting and crochet! Sometimes making things with your hands can really help bring you back to your body. It's a very grounding thing to do, and it's fairly inexpensive if you get things second hand or on sale like I always have! Along the same lines, making any type of art can be really relaxing and grounding! Coloring is both a great way to ground and be little at the same time! Don't worry about being clean either! Sometimes, the pick up can be just as therapeutic. You can put your crayons in color order, or play a counting game with scraps from crafts!

I also like to use grounding tools like scents and textures to help me. If you can burn incents or candles those are my personal favorites, but you can also use things like defusers, wax burners, or comforting perfumes to help bring a cozy vibe into your space! I also love a good comfort blanket and stuffies, sometimes having soft textures can help ground you. Squeeze hugging a stuffie can really help make you feel better, it's just like hugging your best friend!

I also have a few grounding exercises past therapists and friends have given me over the past few years. My personal go-to is doing a sensory count down; 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste (water counts! Stay hydrated!).

I really hope this helps a little, it's always horrible to feel overstimulated and overwhelmed. Please also know my dm and askbox are both always open when you're not doing good! I'm so so proud of you for reaching out kiddo, I know it can be hard to talk about feeling sometimes, and im so happy you felt comfortable and safe enough to share this with me. Thank you so much for the cookies too lil one, they're delicious! Here, try one for yourself, and have some juice to wash it down 🍪🧃 I hope you start to feel better soon buddy!

Gubby Saturn 💕