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aj-theteenagecondition · 2 years

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the teenage condition-chapter 1

(none of this is proof-read, read or do not idc)

ive got this nervous feeling about starting something new. i haven't felt really anomymous and simultaneosly been interacting online in forever, not since i was too young to reasonably be a functioning part or a contributer to the internet. before i was old enough to have my own accounts with my own name and age and personality, i still snooped and lurked around the web, but i wouldn't dare post something. i felt guilty, afraid, that oh god oh no, someone (my mom probably) would find that i watched unreasonable amounts of youtube when i said i was asleep, or read copious amounts fanfiction for a fandom mostly written about by 12 year olds and therefore, was quite shit. but im just writing, because my brain feels like it has to, and writing on paper can get a bit slow, and im terrible at keeping a good accurate journal (for fear that someone i know will read it and finally see me or understand something critical and embarrasing about me). i was going to start an angsty teen journal in a black moleskin notebook, but i felt guilty that i had too many notebooks i gave up on halfway through.

its raining like the worlds ending where i live, which is to be expected in january. i hate winter. i understand that people love the snow and rain and wearing their earmuffs and cute outfits, and ice skating, and skiing and snowboarding, etc etc. but my room is cold and my feet are cold and my hands are cold and my school is flooding and waking up in the dark makes me want to die. im not really looking forward to getting life back on a schedule and going back to school. i go to a good school, i have plenty of friends, ive never fallen too behind. things are fine. but also: things are suffocating. so many people who i've known for literally my entire life. and my same friends talking about surface level topics. sometimes i wonder if we really know eachother at all. and other times i love them so much that everyone around us pales in comparison. lately (for the last year) i've felt like i need a closer friendship, i need an outlet, i need a confidant, and even though i have known them for like 10 years, i don't feel like i've ever had that. i dont think i've ever had that with anyone at all. probably a bit of me problem.

i was on a long trip with my family over winter break and started having quite bad anxiety. to get through it, of course a good distraction would do me some good. and what better distraction than reading one of the most famous fanfics that the internet seems to have been absolutely raving about: All The Young Dudes. i finished it this morning. ok actually this afternoon. mostly what i would like to say is: fucking ouch guys. i didnt actually have that much of an interest in the fandom (definetly not planning on reading anything else about it or interacting or writing), to be honest i wanted to see what all the fuss was about. now that i've actually read it all those "anything for our moony" audios on tiktok from like over a year or two ago really pack a punch. my thoughts: the beginning was very slow, but that definetley made the rest of it more impactful; sirius and remus's relationship is actually pretty toxic, but it was delightful to read; i struggled to get through any chapter after they left school, i predicted that it was going to hurt and boy howdy did it. i get it a little but also so much of it was so sad and so much of it was all unprocessed trauma and unresolved conversation and arguments, which sort of pissed me off.

not to say that it wasnt beautiful and also helpful. things i was reminded about myself through reading atyd: my friends dont know to much about like the vulnerable parts of me but its probably because I AM bad at communicating and being open; i do not like unresolved convos and arguments (my parents fight fr); i am probs trans, and have accepted that but not really bc if i had i would have processed it and actually made a move in some direction after mentally having proposed this idea to myself like 3 years ago with the irrisputable evidence of feeling gay for men; i avoid dealing with my problems; and of course i really love a story about buddies being pals.

also i cried a lot reading it

#spilled thoughts #atyd #whydididothistomyself #ouchie

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writerquil · 10 months

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you genuinely expect us to believe you read case studies and scientific studies when you refuse to read a tumblr ask?

you have no idea what youre talking about at all, and you refuse to listen to anyone who disagrees with you because you've made up your mind about us without even hearing what we have to say and provide to a conversation.

you're so stuck in the toxic sludge that is your little puritanism cult and it shows

first of all when did i ever claim to read scientific studies lol, most of the things i know are from extremely basic research.

and no i literally just dont care enough to argue online, i did hear what u had to say the first time then replied with my own saying, including the fact that im not interested in debating or arguing, to which u replied with an entire essay

nothing has changed, i dont feel like arguing or debating because im never going to agree with u guys, ive had these arguments more times then youd think and you all talk the exact same and bring up the exact same points that im just so bored of refuting and have to delete right after theyre finished plaguing my profile.

"I brought up different points" you didnt, because although i didnt read your entire essay, i did skim through it in hopes u would have some points that i havent heard before or that i havent refuted before and you didnt.

so i have already listened to be people who disagreed with me, when they moved on, another came along, i refuted all their points, they said i was in a toxic cult (sound familiar?) and moved on, then another came along.

i dont feel like explaining my points again and again, this isnt some special little thing where ur the chosen one about to prove me wrong and im going to be like "omg ur right."

and before you say "how will u ever agree if u dont try" ive seen ur point of view before and i TRIED to put some effort into understanding ur points but when all of your points can easily be knocked over, its difficult

"then knock all my proves over, prove it" NO, because ive already done that way too much, so unless u want a copy and pasted paragraph ive already sent to five other people

your little "im the calm and collected one who explains all of these points in this organized, long way" is used by every single one of you, and when i explain to u that i said im not interested in a debate u get angry, just like the rest.

so once again, so it sticks to ur brain, ive heard the same points too many times by you all, frankly i dont feel like refuting them over again, you want an argument, or "conversation"? go somewhere else.

and before u reply with "ha im not fucking reading all that, if u didnt read mine why should i read yours", you did, you read this entire thing.

#proshippers dni

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omegawolverine · 3 years

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👀 mcc discourse? /gen

okay mcc discourse time everyone strap in

the three things i see people being pissed about most often are the lack of lgbt+ people in the event, the specific lgbt+ creators playing and, of course, technoblade being involved. so, let's break down why all three of these things are fucking dumb.

1) "there isnt enough lgbt+ creators".

this would be a fair argument that i could get behind...if not for the way mcc is set up for this specific event—and by that i mean it is a youtube sponsored event. the ccs involved need to have platforms on youtube to be able to participate to begin with, as it is a charity event. mcc doesn't have a lot of lgbt+ streamers involved this time around because a lot of those streamers straight up could not stream this event and scott literally said this himself.

on top of that, this isnt a "get invited and you can play!" event, it is a "you need to apply to be involved" event, meaning, if people dont meet the deadline, or they dont apply at fucking all, they cant play. that's not on fucking scott or anyone organizing mcc, that is on the ccs (if they even wanna be involved, i could not blame them for avoiding mcc after last times mess) who didnt apply in time/at all.

2) "there isnt enough diversity in the lgbt+ streamers" aka "im erasing people's identities and, again, disregarding the literal qualifications for this mcc which include having a youtube platform"

i keep seeing people bring up how every lgbt+ person in mcc is white and able bodied and neurotypical etc etc (which is an inaccurate statement anyways) as reasons why they "arent good enough" or they're bringing up how there "isnt any of [x] sexuality/gender involved" as if that's the organizers faults and i uh. i hate to break it to yall but, again, this is an apply to get in event. if these ccs that were "more diverse" (bc why the fuck are we referring to these ccs playing in fucking minecraft championship as some weird ass diversity characters instead of real life people who are more than their race, disability, etc.) met the requirements and were lgbt+ but just didnt apply, while a lot of other white, cis, neurotypical, able bodied, whatever the fuck else, did? yeah. nobody can change that. scott didnt just pick and chose who gets to play, there are literal rules for this event and also applications that are involved like?? hello????? and obviously i would love to see some more lgbt+ creators from different backgrounds with different identities in the cast, that would be awesome, but that is ultimately not up to the organizers. they cant force people to play. they cant skip people in the waiting lists. they can't have people who cant stream be involved in this mcc as their first event, both because it would be sad for them not to stream their first mcc and because it is a literal charity event.

and, to make things worse, a lot of people are saying there "isnt any trans people this mcc" which is just. a blatant lie. eret isnt cis and sqiashey is genderfluid, yall just dont like eret so you decide to refer to her as a "cis man" constantly, which is transphobic, and yall also dont know sqiashey so instead of doing research, you started running ur mouths and then didn't apologize when you got called on it.

like. even if eret was truly problematic, which i dont believe they are as they have apologized for every little mistake theyve made and dealt with the backlash from entitled little privileged teenagers online all while not complaining even the slightest bit, that still doesnt give you a right to misgender them and erase their identity as a non cis person entirely because you're mad over a fucking minecraft event like??? how fucking privileged you must be that this is what gets you heated. not any actual homophobia or transphobia, but apparently "lgbt+ people in minecraft not being diverse enough". choke.

3) "technoblade is a lesphobe, why is he in mcc"

tw on this section: i discuss my expierences with homophobia as an afab nblw briefly and reclaim the d slur (if you wanna read this section and avoid the homophobia discussion and/or d slur, skip from "as someone who is nblw" to "techno making a shitty joke").

all of techno's lesphobic comments are from 5+ years ago and were, at worst, jokes in poor taste. as someone who is nblw, i have had men follow me and my friend around and call us dykes for holding hands in a museum, i have had my family members harrass me for my sexuality and casually talk about how im gross and wrong for liking girls and i have been punished by literal teachers for showing "too much pda" with my past girlfriends despite the fact that ive never even kissed someone on campus before, just held hands and hugged. techno making some shitty jokes when he was a teenager years ago, while also having a plethora of examples of him being an lgbt+ ally, which does include lesbians, should not be treated the same way as literal bigots calling queer people slurs. and if you think it should be, you have had it fucking lucky.

yes, it is valid to be upset over these jokes, they're fucking weird and he shouldnt have made them, but to treat it with the exact same seriousness as a grown ass adult showing blatant homophobia in current times? no. fuck no.

extra notes bc there's some minor discourse points i left out: no, dream team shouldnt get to be involved in this event over other cishet ccs involved just because they have bigger platforms because this quite literally isnt about them, it's about lgbt+ people and they just didnt happen to get in. shut the fuck up. stop mentioning ant and velvet as people who shouldve been involved, they're quite literally together rn doing little daytrips and shit and they most likely dont wanna spend their time together playing fucking minecraft. also, stop saying techno should be replaced with ranboo (or anyone for that matter), it breaks ranboo's fucking boundaries and him donating 100k to the trevor project doesnt suddenly mean he gets to skip the mcc waiting list.

in conclusion: twitter stop whining over pride mcc, your privilege is showing.

(tagging @tauntwenthome bc you said you wanted to hear as well <3)

#mcc #technoblade #mcyt fandom critical #dsmp fandom critical #fandom critical #discourse #this was hard to write bc this situation is a pain in the ass to explain ajsksk #like specifically the 2nd section i kept rewriting and i still think it sounds confusing but whatever #mcyt #mcytblr #ask to tag #shit self #ok to rb #asks #ghcstbvr #magnus tag 💭#bangerz

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bro-strider-hate-blog · 3 years

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YOUR TAGS ON MY SIS POST??? IMMACULATE

I will include my tags again but only because i cant get enough of myself and not to sound like im tooting my own kazoo but this is the one time in my entire life that ive been objectively correct in every way

Lengthy and unrelated thing under the cut:

Let me talk about canon bro for a second 😌 even though its barely and tangentially related to this and you dont have to read it <3, in fact i would encourage you not to read it i just wanna run my mouth. People love to use him as a cheap villain in their dave angst fics which is like... hilarious to me. Like i get it, since hes abusive he must also be misogynistic and homophobic and transphobic and also genuinely hates dave and revels in his suffering right? Lmeow no, hes just some guy and despite everything he is in fact trying his best. Hes naturally intense and aggressive and this doesnt translate well to child rearing, especially since his one goal is to make dave strong enough (physically and mentally) to Survive whats coming. The random sneak attacks ? The traps littered around the house ? To keep dave on his toes and buff his spatial awareness. The cameras ? To monitor his progress (if hes not up to standard then we’ll just up the “training”) and / or film some puppet snuff (puff ? Snupp?) so he can keep running his dumb website and like provide for them or some shit , or ig to buy random crap and throw it around the house. Who cares if the kid sees the porn anyway its just puppets, plus hes seen way worse at that age and turned out fine (no he didnt). Dave has to be resourceful , he has to be creative and think on his feet , lets have impromptu rap battles and scrabble games. He has to know numbers like the back of his hand (idk why this is even a phrase do any of you memorise what the back of your hands looks like) to effectively utilise his sylladex.... actually nobody even uses that shit idk why bro was so insistent on it. Dave is his protege, his charge, dave is NOT his friend and hes not gonna let him forget that. He teaches him all he knows, in the way he knows. Making comics, mixing music, ironic jokes, being cool and getting shit done. Actually its GOOD that the kid is terrified of him, if hes the scariest thing in the room then dave wont fear anything else. Lets spar then, if dave wins then hes trained him well. If dave loses then hell become resilient. Either way he has to be strong or else hell die, training is necessary. Its either this or failure and failure equals death. Do your own laundry, ration your own food, become independent as fast as possible because i wont be around to take care of you forever

Nothing bro does is without reason, neither is it “sadism”, its all very logical to him despite being horrific to any sane person because his only friend is the mansplain-manipulate-manspread puppet that raised him and he has awful coping mechanisms that barely stretch past beating himself 1. up 2. off. Like he kept his baby alive to the point where it could keep itself alive (kind of alive) and thats a win to him.

That was my thesis on why bro is not a bigot like ,, he makes porn of fucking smuppets, that gives him zero chance to fetishize The Ladies. I doubt he has porno mags littered around the house its just endless plushie dicks and asses (and the two puppets handcuffed together were legit kinda funny like Why). So why would dave have internalised homophobia if it did not stem from his brother ??? Acting as if his only friends werent exuding anti gay vibes, like christ, john “im not a homosexual” egbert, him and rose’s competitive flirting gag (before they found out they were related >.>), just generally the three of them accusing each other of being gay, yknow, as kids do (jade is exempt from the argument we love jade here). Things were just more homophobic back then and its not like bro and dave had a sincere talk about gender and sexuality in the 13 or so years they lived in the same house like why would you even come out to your younger sibling if you could just not !!! Lol !!! I could be getting all this info wrong lol so correct me if im wrong but bro has this cute comic artstyle and it was about someones charge (? Sibling?) straight up dying and the saw guy makes an appearance the end , like there was no sex or gore or whatever but if you look at sbahj the second page literally has an incest sex joke like where does dave even get his material from , which online sites has he been trawling , well haha its not bros job to monitor his kids search history lets ignore it and move on if the kid wants to be gross and make dumb jokes who is he to judge , spread your problematic wings and soar into the cancel clouds little guy

Anyway heres a disclaimer: if youre gonna clown on this post and tell me im an abuse apologist or some shit just understand that i have a lot of free time and love being a huge asshole when provoked but like youre so welcome to add to the discussion i love bullying my favourite character bro strider by steamrolling him we’ve talked about trans rights for too long now is the time for trans wrongs

#//1 #sorry for airing my grieviances on your ask addie Q_Q i hope you do not mind </3 #Bro strider #sometimes i do want bastard trans rep like we cant all be purrfect #Heres more bastard trans guys in homestuck: eridan cronus sollux karkat equius gamzee caliborn hal

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tigerdrop · 4 years

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hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

#asky #careposting

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bunny-heels · 3 years

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yknow ive gone through my life online barely ever following or knowing someone who has a rotten opinion on something that would be considered minimal in the world outside of art. like, ive never followed someone who thought out loud that overly saturated art was ugly. uncomfortable yes, but not ugly.

the only time ive ever seen someone i follow have a bad opinion on something is with the reblog argument. i'll follow an artist, and they will no opinion on any other thing related to art, like character design, color palettes, anatomy. they keep quiet about it. but ive had artists that have openly, and unapologetically, called people greedy for wanting reblogs. at most im thankful that its only happened twice [i'd have two nickels] but its still not good.

the worst part too is that these are artists that dont have to worry about their art not getting attention. they seem to have the luck on their side when it comes to getting their art noticed and appreciated. they dont have to worry about making their stuff circle around, because it happens regardless. maybe the artsstyle they have is more favorable. maybe they have a better schedule, they know when to post their art. maybe they are better than us. but it still hurts that these artists, who will always get attention, are the same ones getting mad at those that even struggles just to get 5 likes on it.

and that simply makes me thinks theyve never had that struggle. either that, or it was never too harsh on them. i just want them to know what its like. cause if they did, maybe they would understand.

of course there are artists as well that dont get attention for their art, and will call other artist greedy for it as well. but you have to know that, its hard. youre happy with ur art no matter the attention, thats fine. but for some of us, it would be nice to know that our work is good enough to show to other people, even if they wont understand.

i'll never forget that, honestly, dumb comic i saw someone make in reply to calling artists who want attention greedy, where the premise was, "why would i reblog someone that only i would understand, and not my followers?" which thats another problem. not only are you calling other artists greedy for wantin just a small amount of attention even on their work, NOW youre trying to excuse it by saying you wont share the content you enjoy seeing on YOUR blog? the place that YOU made as a personal space for things you like and enjoy? youre refusing to let something you love even graze a place you created as your own space for your interest and fixations?

at that point, its clear you arent reblogging because you dont wanna show people something they "wouldnt be interested in". you just wont reblog it cause you dont like it. just say it. just say you dislike the art and dont think it deserves recognition. yeah, you'll be known as an asshole for openly hating on the art of smaller artists who can barely get the love their work deserve, but at least you'll be honest right? cause thats what you want?

so just go on and do that. at least people will know what type of person you are a lot quicker.

#the bun talks

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themself · 3 years

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final thoughts about 1984

i lied. this is final but its not about 1984, because it never was about 1984, it was never even about my post or the things i said. its about the version of me and my arguments that’s been constructed by other people, that they’ll continue to argue with.

the post has been circulated thousands of times, screenshoted to twitter to have hundreds of people dunk on me and call me stupid, say i don’t know how to read, etc. i got hate messages telling me to commit suicide and to detransition. it was funny at first. but i’m tired. i never wanna read the year 1984 again. ive started to doubt myself and wonder if there was a secret truth that all of these people had tapped into that i somehow missed and nobody has ever been explain to me, that nobody else has ever written about in all of the writing ive found on the book and everybody gets but me

first, i twote what i twote

i said what i said. could i have worded it better? YES. but i was making a kneejerk reaction to a poorly written post, that was worded in and simple way so i phrased it poorly.

i do think that reading about rape in a classroom is inappropriate and potentially traumatic to readers, i think that experiencing violent misogyny without a discussion is harmful. i dont actually care what orwells intentions were because i dont know them and neither do you. hes dead. his words still hurt people and thats not okay to expose people to without a discussion about it.

i also think that media analysis can be taught with any work. you can perform media analysis on the goddamn mcu and find something worthwhile there. i fundamentally think teachers meeting students where they’re at, validating their interests and teaching the same strategies learned for classics! despite reading lots of classic literature, i never learned how to perform actual proper media analysis until i was in college! my reads of classics were often dismissed by teachers, i was forced to memorize their analyses instead of being able to think critically about works on my own! meet students where they’re at! encourage passion! use it to help teach new techniques and help them engage in and love material!

you don't know me

you know, in the tons and tons of messages and random ass people coming into my DMs demanding a debate, i realized something. they’re not arguing with me. they’re arguing with the version of me that exists in their head. i remember in particular somebody came at me and said “why do you think there’s no merit in 1984 because of some bad things” and i replied that i never said that. they said my message wasn’t clear enough so of course everybody would assume that.

i wrote a two second response girl! i wasn’t trying to create an essay for people to respond against. but who i am doesn’t matter. it never really did. people have constructed me to be the type of person who exemplifies fandom and cancel culture or whatever coming for classic novels, who thinks that anything new and shiny with fandom is better, and that i don’t know how to read and think anything problematic or with hard topics is canceled and not worth any merit.

the truth is i haven’t read a fanfiction since i was 12 or engaged with a fandom since i was 17. my two favorite works of fiction are boogiepop and we know the devil, both of which deal with really heavy topics, have main characters who make bad sloppy choices and hurt people. neither of these works have big fandoms. i think fandom has merit, and i am interested in people who perform literary analysis on popular nerd culture texts. that’s not me, but i support peoples’ right to do that. but i like indie art! most of the media i consume is experimental indie videogames, and a lot of lgbtq independent projects.

again though, who i am doesn’t matter, because nobody here was ever arguing with me, they were arguing with an idea of me based on two sentences, a being constructed from those terms with other peoples assumptions plastered on. i’ve just become somebody to put that being on. that’s kind of how everybody talks to each other online, and i’ve come to recognize that now. hell, i’ve been the perpetrator of that stuff towards other people online too! thats why i don’t hang out online anymore, why i don’t read arguments anymore, and why i am trying not to let the nasty stuff people say to me bother me because it was never about me

can y’all leave me alone now?

even if 1984 was worth all this discussion, i want to be able to turn anonymous messaging on again, i want to be able to have my DMs open without it being an invitation for people to accuse me of not knowing how to read. go bother somebody else with your time. you have the time to write to some random ass bitch over 1984? write letters to prisoners to help alleviate the trauma of the carceral system! go harass nazis on twitter if you want somebody to be mean to! instead of telling me to detransition, go cry about 14 year olds sending u anime jpegs or whatever the hell terfs do! i promise y’all it is NOT deep enough for you guys to be hounding me the way you do. your time is valuable! dont spend it bothering random bitches on tumblr!

if youre gonna bother me over some typo on this post consider that i don’t actually give a shit and you could be spendin the time having sex instead or doing something else that makes you happy. i’m not reading this post again and i’m not talking about this topic again. deuces

#mine #text #1984scourse

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year

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(tw for discussion of pedophilia / an adult dating a teenager)

id like to preface saying that the relationship im discussing in this story is long ended and my sister is now an adult herself, with the previous boyfriend being completely out of the picture now. this story isnt a current event, im more just trying to get a grip on whether or not i was justified at the time.

aita for trying to go to the police about my sister's relationship?

as i said, this happened a while back around when i was a preteen/young teenager. my older sister (14 at the time) met a friend of a friend (18m at the time), they started dating when she was 16 and he was 20, and i was the only one in my family who found it weird. which was odd considering her track record of dating older teen & adult men as a preteen/young teen. (i think her biggest problematic age gap was online dating an 18 yr old as a 12 yr old, i dont know if she was honest about her age or not) either way, it was undignified to me that my parents (aka her step mom and bio dad) and her parents (aka her bio mom and step dad) were both perfectly okay with it, and my sister insisted she was old enough to make her own decisions. i argued with her plenty about it, to which i forged a plan in my 13 year old brain to gather information about this relationship and tell the police. i pretty much acted buddy buddy enough to where she would tell me everything about their sexual activity together. id rather not disclose all the details, but if it eases anyone's mind, they specifically never went "all the way". i will say that according to my sister, her boyfriend masturbated to a picture of her when she was 14 which is still so gross to me. i discreetly wrote down everything she said as she was telling me and planned to take it to the authorities. however, before i actually did, i had gotten into another argument with my sister about the relationship and we were so loud my mom came in the room to break it up and talk to me. my mom found the paper i wrote everything on and she threw it away, saying i would "ruin his life" with this information when hes so young. out of spite at this point, i ran out of the house and walked all the way to the police department in the middle of the night. they brought me in but i pretty much was emotionally exhausted and worn out and decided i just wanted to go home so i said nothing about the situation. the cops called my parents and my mom came to pick me up. knowing why i was there, my mom asked the cops if a 16 yr old dating a 20 was illegal, to which they said no. (although this could be because of state specific laws rather than u.s. federal laws, im not sure either way) i tried to tell them everything i knew but they weren't having it and thats where it ends. ever since then ive been so confused on what to believe because the age gap and sexual activity still doesnt sit right with me at all. and i still dont even know the full story of their relationship, they couldve been dating privately before she turned 16. either way my family treated me like i was overreacting big time and my sister was angry at me for not being supportive of her. after a while i hesitantly assumed i was in the wrong because everyone else seemed to think so, but thinking over this drama again makes me think i mightve not been. so, was i the asshole? was it really not a big deal that i was overreacting about?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #grooming cw

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fiisheyes · 3 years

Text

ok im trying to catch up on tag games .. @geo-bby💕 tagged me to answer these questions i think ive been tagged in this by other people but i cant find it rn so uh if u tagged me in this <3 thank u thank u mwah

why did you choose your url?

it used to be fish-eyed-idiot and i really liked the fish eye part of it but i didnt want to call myself something negative anymore because i realized it came from a unhealthy place so i changed it.. i think fisheyes was taken but two iis is cooler anyways

any side blogs?

no .. i make them and then immediately delete them afterwards

how long have you been on tumblr?

june 2020 not that long.. i mean i used to come here every now n then earlier but i hadnt made an account or anything

do you have a queue tag?

i dont get queues u guys are weird

why did you start your blog in the first place?

to reblog gorillaz art ..........

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

saw one of those icon maker posts..... idk i usually didnt care particularly but miki <33

why did you choose your header?

uh i like rain i was going for green.. googled green rain gif ooo pretty.. ....

what’s your post with the most notes?

last summer i visited my grandma and she got out like 4 gigantic boxes of photos shed took over the years... me+my sibling+my mom got to go thru them and pick out ones we wanted because she did not want any of them.... mom did not want the really messy looking ones but some of them looked sooo amazing so i saved a bunch (theyre taped up in my room now) and i thought they looked cool enough to post and i did n yeah....

how many mutuals do you have?

basically everyone who follows me is a mutual.. i did not realize how many i had but then one day i tried to go thru all my mutuals blogs and i barely scratched the surface.... very strange experience

how many followers do you have?

340·

how many people do you follow?

727 i think

have you ever made a shit post?

i dont get what counts as a shit post .... does anyone on here post not shit

how often do you use tumblr?

during online school it was chronic....... im getting better but i might have to deactivate at some point because just logging off does not cut it

did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

i am very very bad about talking to anyone on here let alone fighting with them

how do you feel about the ‘yOu HaVe tO rEbLoG tHiS’ posts?

depends.?

do you like tag games?

yes

do you like ask games?

yes yes but i will get a bunch of asks and then answer 2 of them + then abandon the rest.... my inbox is full of deactivated blogs saying "1+16 for the asks!!"

which of your moots do you think are tumblr famous?

i have cool mutuals i dont think any of them are tumblr famous but sometimes they have big posts..

do you have a crush on a mutual?

dont talk to any of them hows that supposed to work...... dang ill say hello to them and well talk for 4 minutes then i never say anything to them ever again.......

tagging @micemirls @yknowhatimean @indierokkerss

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into-control · 3 years

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Into i need help. I bought a oculus quest 2 right and i tried to connect it to my laptop and it wont work so I realized i needed and actual pc gaming setup you know, problem is idk anything about PCs and i dont wanna get scammed. Can you help me? Ive looked online and idk wtf im looking at tbh. Can you give like advice and shit lol 😂 love you into 💕

well i'm not a professional at pcs by any means but i've always had a huge fixation on them so i can try to help as much as possible and i'll even try to put it in simple terms. fair warning, i talk A LOT in this post because i love rambling about computers :') i tried to use the simplest terms possible since you seem confused but if something doesn't make sense just ask and i can try to reword.

it all depends on what you want out of your pc. and do you want to build one or get a prebuilt one? if you want my advice i recommend building one. getting a prebuilt pc is the easiest way to get scammed because retailers tend to overcharge and they think they can get away with it because they stuck a flashy high end graphics card and colourful lights in it even though it has shit airflow and they cheaped out on the motherboard and power supply or something like that. if you're going to get a prebuilt pc make sure you look at allll the specs and consult some online reviews to see if they're any good, and figure out if you're going to be overcharged. now i'll talk about building one. a lot of this will still be useful if you're considering buying a prebuilt though.

the very first step is deciding your budget. idk where you are but in USD the typical amount to spend on pc parts is i think like $1000 - 1500 (you can spend less but that's if you don't have a lot of money to spend and are still desperate to have a gaming pc). i'm spending around $1700 CAD (before taxes, eugh) on mine bc i want to get into more demanding games eventually. it sounds very costly but computers like these can last you a decade and are very multifaceted. figuring out your budget first instead of going right ahead and buying stuff is important because each component should take up specific percentages of your budget. another important thing to consider when deciding your budget is if you want RGB (the colourful lights as previously mentioned), because components with that capability are slightly more expensive.

after deciding your budget, your first move is deciding what graphics card (GPU) you want. the GPU is responsible for processing and presenting the visuals on your screen. theoretically it should take up between 35 - 40% of your budget because it is the powerhouse in a gaming system. you have two developers to choose from here: NVIDIA or AMD. from what i've seen people tend to prefer NVIDIA but AMD cards aren't bad and they definitely compete in performance. i'll talk about nvidia though because that's what i know more about. by searching up the oculus quest 2 system requirements it tells me you at least need an nvidia geforce gtx 970. this card came out in 2014 and is by no means bad however it is actually the same base price as a lot of newer cards. if you want to go better than the minimum requirements, first consider what your monitor is capable of. if you don't have one yet, consider what you want it to do. monitors are not considered a part of the budget i keep mentioning by the way. idk how much this matters to you since we're talking about the oculus quest 2 but i'm just kind of assuming you're going to use this pc for other games too. the main two things to take into consideration are max resolution and refresh rate. my monitor has a resolution of 1920 x 1080 and a 144hz refresh rate. what the resolution means is that there are 2,073,600 pixels in the screen, and can go up to a resolution of 1080p in video games. the refresh rate means the monitor can refresh the picture on the screen 144 times a second, therefore can show a max of 144 frames per second in a video game. to put that in to perspective, most screens have a refresh rate of 60hz, such as regular laptop screens, iphone screens, etc.. monitors come in mainly 60hz, 75hz, 144hz, and 165hz, and for resolution they mainly come in 1080p, 1440p, and 4k. seeing as i don't have any plans on upgrading my monitor any time soon, dropping extra money on a GPU that can achieve more than 144fps and 1440p/4k would be pointless. but forget about the monitor, the oculus quest 2 has a max refresh rate of 120hz and its resolution lies somewhere between 1080p and 1440p. if you know what kind of games you're going to be playing, look up how they perform with different kinds of cards. i'm fairly certain anything above an nvidia geforce rtx 3070 would be pointless because of your display limits, and anything below the nvidia geforce gtx 970 simply won't be enough for the system. you can look at all the GPUs ranked here. after deciding which GPU you want you need to figure out which brand of it you want (NVIDIA themselves, asus, gigabyte, evga, etc), because they all perform at slightly different levels, although the difference is usually only a few frames so it's better to save money. something to watch out for is the quality of the fans in the GPU because if they aren't good, it will overheat and underperform. i'm aiming to get a 3060 or 3060 ti, if that helps. the only problem is that there is currently a worldwide GPU shortage due to covid, tariffs, and the cryptocurrency mining boom (gpus are used in bulk to mine). fortunately there is currently a crypto mining crackdown happening in china, where majority of mining in the world happens, so the demand for GPUs will hopefully start going down soon. you wont be able to build your pc right away but the market is looking better than it has in awhile. this is just about the only argument i have in favor of getting a prebuilt pc, because they have GPUs in them and are more readily available. i don't think that's a good enough reason though especially since part of the reason i'm building my pc is because it looks fun lol. another thing to note is that you should not overspend on your GPU. the shortage has caused a lot of GPU prices to skyrocket into the $2k-3k range but none of them should be above 1k except the highest end ones. when deciding on a GPU, search up the manufacturer's suggested retail price (MSRP). cards made by brands other than AMD and NVIDIA will almost always cost a little extra, but do not pay hundreds of

extra dollars. but anyways!! the GPU is now out of the way and is definitely the longest paragraph here because it's the most important part.

next up is the central processing unit (CPU), which you should be spending about 20 - 25% of your budget on. its job is essentially to retrieve instructions from the RAM and execute it. i suppose you could call it the brain. again you have two developers to choose from, this time between intel and AMD. i've had two laptops with an intel CPU and my current one has an AMD CPU and both are very good, however the general consensus is that you can get the same performance for less by going with AMD. CPUs have cores, and each core can run its own process. the more cores you have, the more your pc can think about basically. you can get CPUs will all sorts of amounts of cores but for gaming, 4 or 6 cores is all you really need. 8 is actually already a bit overkill. so you really don't need to get the best CPU out there. the one you get should depend on what GPU you get (hence choosing that component first). you don't want to bottleneck your GPU by getting a CPU that isn't good enough for it, but bottlenecking your CPU with the GPU by a small amount isn't as big of a deal because the goal is to allow your GPU to be used to its full ability. another detail about CPU is clock speed, which determines how quick it can complete tasks. the higher the faster, obviously. my (non gaming) laptop's CPU clock speed is 2.30 GHz and has 4 cores. the cpu i have for my build is the AMD ryzen 5 5600x. it has a base clock speed of 3.7 GHz but it can be maxed out to 4.6 GHz, and it has 6 cores. the oculus quest 2 has a minimum requirement of the AMD ryzen 5 1500x or the intel i5-4590, which is a little low on the performance list. but like i said the CPU should depend on the GPU. all it takes is a google search for which CPU goes best with the GPU you've chosen and you can find several answers depending on if you want the best possible performance, best budget performance, etc.. a nice little fact about choosing AMD over intel is that most AMD CPUs will come with a stock cooler, which is absolutely necessary otherwise your CPU will overheat (this is another thing prebuilts will cheap out on). this only adds to the whole price-to-performance thing. the stock cooler will most likely do unless you push your pc or want the build to look prettier.

next on the list is a motherboard, where all the parts come together in unity. you should spend 8 - 10% of your budget on this baby. it's easy to over and underspend on a mobo. the most important thing when it comes to choosing a mobo is that it supports your CPU. you cannot use the same mobo for intel and AMD CPUs. fortunately the product page will straight up tell you which CPU brand the mobo is meant for and will typically have two versions of the same board. it's important to note that motherboards don't always have onboard wifi, meaning it wont be able to connect to the internet via wifi and instead needs an ethernet cable or an external wifi adapter. if you can't get an ethernet cable to the room where you want your pc, you're going to need onboard wifi, or a wifi card/usb. onboard wifi mobos tend to be more expensive so it's up to you, but i personally bought one with wifi included so i wouldn't have to worry about it because our ethernet cables are in the basement and i'm upstairs. another very important thing about motherboards is that their BIOS version (operating system i guess?? idk how else to describe it) doesn't always support your CPU out of the box and must be updated before using it. this can present as a problem if you don't have another CPU to perform the update with, however some motherboards allow you to 'flash' the BIOS with a only usb drive as long as it's hooked up to power. there are plenty of step by step youtube videos about how to do this. i will have to do this with my motherboard when the time comes because it doesn't support ryzen 5s out of the box. don't let this deter you from getting a certain board as long as it has a BIOS flash feature. next up is what I/O ports you want, which are the ports (usb ports, headphone/mic jack, hdmi port, etc) you'd find on the back of any desktop computer. that is the side of the motherboard. basically just be aware of how many of each ports you want, and remember that there will probably be even more ports on the front of the case you get. the last thing i can think of right now is making sure your motherboard has all the headers (where you plug components in) you want it to have but i'll get to that later.

next up on the list is RAM, aka random access memory. this stores short term data. the amount of RAM you have kind of determines how much your pc can multitask. RAM sticks typically go up by some multiple of 2GB. most standard laptops and desktops nowadays will come with 8GB of RAM, which is enough for day to day use. it can be enough for mid and low end games however it cuts it pretty close most of the time. 16GB of RAM is the sweet spot for gaming and anything above that is pretty much overkill (and once again a waste of money) as long as you don't have a billion unnecessary background processes. a large amount of RAM is typically needed for video editors or computer programmers. you should always make sure your motherboard can support the amount of RAM you want although any good motherboard will support 64GB or even 128GB. the best option is to get a 16GB RAM pack, which will include two 8GB RAM sticks. splitting RAM between two sticks will increase efficiency. this is called dual channel. i also recommend getting DDR4 RAM, which is simply faster than DDR3. a good speed to have is around 3600 MHz. make sure your motherboard supports DDR4. you also want to be weary that your RAM is compatible with your CPU brand because they do have to interact for your pc to function.

next is storage. there are three-ish options here depending on how much you're willing to spend. generally you should spend 8 - 10% of the budget here. you can always get a good ole hard drive for the cheapest, however they are the slowest and physically biggest option, meaning whatever you put on it will take a bit longer for your pc to retrieve and open (they can load about 100-200MB of data per second). the next option is a solid state drive. they are a little more expensive but can load as much as 600MB of data per second and take up less space. the last and most efficient/expensive option is an m.2 nvme drive. these things are physically absolutely tiny and can load up to 4GB of data per second. anything you put on these will open very very quickly. the fairly standard solution for this is a combination of two of these three. personally i'm using one m.2 drive and one hard drive. the hard drive i have can store 2TB while the m.2 drive can only store 256GB. funnily enough these two drives are roughly the same price. the idea here is to install your operating system on the faster drive. this makes it so it only takes like 8 seconds tops for your pc to start up. you can also put any other programs you use most often on there (like your main browser and favourite games) and they will open very quickly, while the bulk of your games and other files will go on the bigger drive. that's all there really is to say for storage, just make sure the reviews are good on the drive you want to get, but that goes for any component.

next is your power supply (PSU). very very important to not cheap out on this. 6 - 8% of the budget should go to this. the function of the PSU is to do exactly what its name implies: supply power to all the components. this is where the website pcpartpicker can come in very handy. not only does it help you build a list of parts that are all compatible with each other, it will also estimate how much wattage you will need to run your pc. 600W is usually enough for a normal gaming pc. PSUs are ranked, and you should never really go below a bronze ranking. you can also choose between non-modular, semi-modular, and fully-modular PSUs. non-modular PSUs have all the cables permanently attached. this can be desirable to people who are confused by what cable is plugged in where but also undesirable as unused cables cannot be removed and make cable management harder. fully-modular PSUs come with the cables all in a separate bag so you choose which ones to plug in. semi-modular power supplies have the necessary cables attached and the rest can be attached need be. it all depends on preference and how much faith you have in yourself. i have an 80+ gold certified fully modular 750W PSU because the thought of unnecessary cable management makes me sick lol. corsair is pretty much the most trusted brand for power supplies. be careful because this is another place prebuilts will cut corners.

now for the case! this one isn't overly difficult to choose and mainly will just appeal to your aesthetics. it's less important to stick to a precise percent of the budget for this one but you also don't want to spend more than 8%. do you want a black case? a white one? do you want a glass side panel so you can see inside your pc and admire your hard work? besides that, you also need to make sure the case is big enough for your motherboard, GPU, and PSU. most info pages for cases will tell you the max size of the GPU and PSU and what size of mobo it's meant for. you also want to make sure there is a place to put your storage drives (unless you only have m.2 drives which are installed on the motherboard). you also want to make sure it has optimal airflow abilities. a case with no airflow will cause overheating. the best ones have mesh fronts and tops to allow cool air to be pulled in and hot air out. it's even better if you can get a case that comes with fans in the front, because they are what pulls that cool air in.

next is the CPU cooler, which i briefly mentioned. if you don't get an AMD CPU then you'll need to buy a separate cooler. you can choose between air coolers (a fan and a heatsink) or liquid coolers. i don't really have much to say about them and i recommend doing your own research on liquid coolers lol.

last but not least, case fans. like i said a lot of cases will come with front fans and also an exhaust fan at the back, however you might want more, or even replace the ones you already have with better ones. pay attention to how many fans your case manual says can fit and plan accordingly. check out reviews to see if the fans you want are quiet and efficient. if you buy a three pack of case fans there is a chance it will come with a fan hub. this makes it easier to control all of them in sync because the hub will connect all the fans to one header on the motherboard. generally 3-6 fans are pretty good for a gaming pc. two or three in the front pulling in cool air, one at the back and two on the top to pull out hot air.

now that i have all the components out of the way i'm gonna talk about RGB lighting. numerous components that i've mentioned have the option of including LED lights to make your pc brightly coloured, which is always nice if you have a glass side panel on your pc. it's an extra bit of money but i personally was willing to sacrifice that because i want to show off my build lmao. motherboards, RAM sticks, GPUs, CPU coolers, and case fans are the main components that can come with RGB lighting. you can also get special LED strips and power connectors designed for PCs. if you decide to go for RGB lighting, do try to stick to one RGB ecosystem, meaning make sure all the RGB components can be controlled by one program. RGB is controlled by your motherboard. for example if you get an asus motherboard you'll probably want to use their program, aura sync. most components can be controlled by any brand's program however if the motherboard itself has RGB lighting it can only be controlled via its own brand's program, along with the GPU. if you want RGB case fans you really have to make sure your motherboard has RGB headers (the thingy on the motherboard where you plug the fan's LED lights into). most motherboards will only have two-ish RGB headers so if you're going to buy a bunch of fans make sure they come with a fan hub, which lets you plug them all into one header on the motherboard. also, never sacrifice performance for RGB. specifically when it comes to GPUs. if you have a choice between a GPU with RGB and a GPU without RGB, always take the one that has better performance (given it's within the parameters i mentioned earlier).

that's all i have to say :) if you couldn't tell i really love this stuff. i will also recommend you watch youtube videos about this, you can see the build process and the reasoning for using each component, and also tips on what to do and what not to do. i hope this helps and wasn't too confusing. i know you said this is mainly because you got an oculus quest 2 but if you're going to get a gaming pc you should definitely consider games outside of the oculus too.

#ask #anon

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ace-pervert · 4 years

Note

41-80 >:)

41. I'm an excelent liar, and have lied many times in my life, but ive tried to avoid lying on my blog because I dont want people to know a lie but know me as I truly am, ive also done my best to avoid lying to people who I meet online for the same reason.

42. Used to be worse, so now im maybe not awfull at it.

43. Nope.

44. No. My dads american my moms dutch and im fluent in both languages, though like my dad I do have a bit of a maryland accent when speaking English.

45. *sigh* Call me a fool call me an idiot, but any accent that drops a mans voice by an octave can make me moan which is why I love Russian and Southern accents.

46. Sarcastic. Naw just kidding, honestly im not sure but I do tend to overthink things, doubt things, and feel mildly depressed every so often.

47. Relatively speaking a dress shirt I got a over five years ago.

48. Yes.

49. Innie.

50.right.

51. No.

52. Icecream.

53. Sushi.

54. Clean enough that I wash myself every day.

55. Moo.

56. Moo.

57. Thirty to fourtyfive minutes.

58. Kinda.

59. Suck.

60. Yes a lot.

61. Yes, a lot.

62. No im terrible.

63. Dying alone, also dying in general .

64. Used to be now I try not to gossip, and I never gossip on my blog anymore.

65. Theres a chinese movie called "Hero" that I loved.

66. Short.

67. No.

68. Honestly while I wasnt bad at school I dont remember really enjoying any of the subjects, so non.

69. Introvert.

70. No and I really dont want to.

71. A lot of things.

72. Yes.

73. Not unless its important, im trying to win an argument, or doing so has some kind of comedic value that I assume will make us both laugh.

74. Yes very

75. Yes.... it backfired and I try not to do it.

76. No and really dont want to be.

77. Yes but no more than glass of wine with my parents

78. I dont think so, i say think because I remember taking what I hope was sugar pills when I was like 10 or 11 while in day care after getting em for free from some kids there..... But if you ignore that possible experience then definately no.

79. Sexually Rod McCain from the movie Fierce Creatures. Romantically ive never had any, or rather I hope that I never had any. Its complicated but the experience regarding what I for a long time thought was my first romantic crush was so blindingly bad (not illigal bad just not worth repeating and kinda embarrasing bad) that I hope that that wasnt it. Also I never figured out, and likely never will figure out what I felt at the time because I wasnt in a good place mentally , so its easier to think that whatever it was it wasnt my first romantic crush.

80. Non.

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biggerb0at · 5 years

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(1/4) I just need to get this off my chest: Tumblr and Reddit Fate fandoms are obnoxious about Abby rn. I've been seeing posts like "there's no difference between a drawing of a partly naked child and an actual naked child" which is... no. Do you think someone who likes guro will enjoy seeing actual organs spilled on the ground? There's snuff, there's dismemberment, there's even a "fucked by a dog" fetish do people actually think that those who enjoy them don't seperate fantasy from reality?

(2/4) And that’s not even getting into proportions. You will NEVER see a child that looks just like Jack, or Wu, or Abby because ultimately they’re just lines on a page. Even if they’re meant to be children their fundamental proportions- eyes, hair, demeanor, body shape at times- are far removed from an actual child unless they’re drawn to be realistic which they’re clearly not. Just pull up a photo of a 12-year old girl and put it next to Abby can you really say they look all that similar?

(¾) It’s not even that you have to approve of it! Hate it! Redesign these characters yourself, keep them out of those ascensions! Find it as gross as you want! Nobody’s saying you should enjoy this! This is coming from a person who loved reading about Salem and think Abby’s ascensions are a waste of potential and absolutely HATES Jack and Wu’s. Having those bad experiences myself it just tick me off when people think any of the two are remotely comparable.

(4/4) Also inb4 people reblog with “Just say you jack off to kiddy porn”. I’ve seen it thrown around on reddit and tumblr and it is by far the smuggest most pretentious cop-out for an argument I’ve read. I don’t care what’s been said before, it automatically makes you the asshole for insinuating such a thing and makes you no different from antis or sjws that scream out “nazi”. The worst part is that I’ve seen it used on people who aren’t even INTO Fate or anime and just had a stance on it.

Anyways, sorry for spamming your inbox I’ve been seeing people go back and forth for so long that I felt the need to rant about it and you seem fairly reasonable.

ok where to start here. well I havent been on reddit enough as I used to be (more on twitter and fate discord servers from reddit and the only obnoxious comments Ive seen recently is “why does melt whos from a sex themed game look like that and why does the goddess of sex ishtar wear little clothing, and right now im seeing a lot of OC abby drawings)

but I can say that I was there when abby came out for JP, it wasnt really an obnoxious shit storm other than “why japan” comments and the usual “ill keep her in first form” so I can say that the obnoxious people you are seeing are the minority type who should have left a long time ago because with that argument then well its hard to justify why you’d want a kid whos only clothing option is a thong and stockings on your phone if you think it’s straight up pedophile content like that should have been the line where you dropped the game.

and yeah im with you there fiction is fiction they dont look at all like real life kids just like how eirris (the gramps comics artists) guro side blog doesnt look at all like the real thing like its not going for realistic at all in any proportions or anything other than smol, and anyone who wants to make a argument for or against the loli = pedo heres some donation links here and here and here im not trying to be smug about it I am saying that donating makes a better impact than online arguments. (personally I think that if you do try to go for realistic in fiction like 3D models and going for anatomically correct in it then yeah you’re probably are thinking about real kids at that point.)

and yeah im with you on there I hate it too and enjoy the redesigns of others better especially wu like god that dude can do so much better if they let him. (yeah I know I say redesigns with the “Fix it” attitude are shit but give a pass with the kid servants cause ofc that would be allowed)

I wouldnt put it on par with sjw screaming nazis but it is on par with them being a anti cause it really is just going “no im right your a pedophile for disagreeing now enjoy the death threats from people who see this” cause god forbid people say that while you can still think lolis are gross and such we should care more about real children.

#long post #drama #I like houkosai more than abby so thats where my sq is going #aka I like the squid more than the kid lol

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michaelmilkers · 6 years

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what is it, exactly, that your 'friends' were angry with u about? i dont want to be invasive and u can ignore this ask, i just think that altho im leaning in ur favor i dont want to decide whether or not to continue supporting you without all of the data. i.e., you could be saying something wildly racist, or you could have insulted someones dog. obviously completely different things that merit completely different responses. i can message you if u dont want to share with the general public :)

putting it under a cut

this

i said in the blacklist chat about a month ago “is circumcision common in latinos” for a thing i was writing which was not only something i couldve googled (which i ended up doing) but also incredibly poor phrasing and i apologized

i was sometimes too open about sexual topics in the nsfw chat (which was 16+) because i was under the impression everyone was okay with it because no one ever really told me it was tmi (sometimes i put stuff in general that i didnt consider nsfw but other people considered nsfw but most of those times i deleted whatever it was i said/sent) (also for the record i had a general rule against sending irl porn in the nsfw chat and so i never did that aside from like the first few months of the servers existence where i was still trying to figure out how to go about having a server at all)

there was a “jewish” role in the server that some jewish people in the server asked for but apparently some people were uncomfortable with the fact that there was a jewish role but not roles for other ethnicities or minorities. people communicated this to me and i was going to make other roles but hadnt gotten around to it yet when everything went down bc spoons

i wasnt open enough about the reasons why i banned people (which only happened a couple times) so people assumed i was only banning them because they disagreed with me, which wasnt true

i have a habit of publicly (i.e. on the blog) responding to criticism with passive aggression or jokes, something im aware of and actively working on, and its something i dont do in private conversation because i dont think its productive, in fact one of my rules in the server was not to respond to disagreements or arguments or discourse with reaction gifs or emotes or memes or stuff like that.

and this is the biggest incident, tw for genital mutilation and nsfw discussion, and its a long one so bear with me:

basically in december i mentioned in the nsfw chat that i happened to come across a video of a woman essentially sewing her vagina shut. i did not send the video and did not describe it in graphic detail. i shouldnt have brought it up at all, but this was another case of me thinking something wasnt that bad but it upset a few other people. because of the nature of the video the most i will say about it is that it was not a permanent thing, it was done with sterile medical-grade stuff, and it was a masochism thing rather than like actually permanently mutilating the vagina. i was browsing around the internet going down various rabbit holes out of boredom and i came across this video, i did not search for this kind of thing, i just watched it out of curiosity.

anyways, some people were upset by it, i apologized for mentioning it and that was kind of that. but then the next day i received an anonymous ask calling me a freak whos into genital mutilation so i copied the ask in the blacklist chat (tagging it any time i mentioned the video in any level of detail) and basically what then happened that night was that i received multiple anons over the course of a couple hours calling me a freak and greatly exaggerating what happened. i would post the ask in the blacklist chat, me and a couple other people would talk about what was said, and then i would get another anon or two about it.

from the start i did not take the anons seriously because like, youre fucking liveblogging a conversation YOURE IN in my inbox, and i stated multiple times that if they wanted to have a serious conversation about it they could dm me or bring it up in the server because i was not going to entertain this back and forth bullshit.

i called the anon a clown and they sent clown emojis in response, which is when it kind of started getting out of control. me and a lot of other people in the server were making fun of the anon and joking about it calling them “clown anon” and stuff. and then the anon sent an ask containing the sentence “do u really want to be on the team of the guy who watches pussy sewing for fun!” (directed at everyone else in the server joking with me) and i thought the phrase “pussy sewing” was fucking HILARIOUS so everyone started making pussy sewing jokes and calling the anon clussy anon and saying shit like “pussy sewing sunday” (bc this was happening on a sunday night) and “pussy sewing club” and shit like that.

i said multiple times during this that i was not making fun of the video or the subject matter i was making fun of the anon(s) and their dramatic bullshit, but some people didnt believe me ig. at the time i was maintaining the opinion that as long as its all sterile and there is no permanent damage then stuff like that is fine and its none of my business what people do to their own bodies, which i still kind of agree with? im not super sure.

but anyway a few people thought i was a shitty person because of this, one of these people left and the other two said they were going to leave so i banned them, one person was very upset by the subject matter and wanted to take a break from the server, i told them sorry about the situation and to be safe. when one of my mods came online and saw what happened she was very upset about the fact that people had left and i didnt really listen to what she was saying (something ive apologized for since then) but said that for the sake of the person taking a break this was to never be brought up again. i agreed and asked my other mod to delete the conversation because i was low on spoons at the time, they said sure and deleted it for me (and during on the incident on friday this person told everyone that i “made them” delete the messages and that they were too afraid to say no to me and it was disgusting) and that was the last time the situation was brought up until this weekend.

i had actually learned from the situation, both about the things i bring up and also the content i look at even out of boredom or curiosity, and the ethics of that, and i have since then not looked at anything like that online. the people in my server were not aware of this because i was told to never bring it up again, so i didnt, and no one brought it up to me privately so i assumed people werent upset about it anymore. so they assumed i didnt care or i was still looking at shit like that and just wasnt talking about it. i had absolutely no idea people were still harboring bad feelings about this incident and if i did i wouldve apologized again and told them about how i had learned from the situation. i explained all of this on saturday and nobody seemed to care.

multiple times during the situation this weekend i said that their criticisms are valid and tried to explain myself and apologize and own up to what i did, but apparently because im mad about them bullying me and getting people to raid the server im not actually sorry?? according to them.

which is more of them just trying to gaslight me and manipulate me into thinking this is all my fault and i deserved it instead of that event being fucking bullshit.

one person said “your criticisms are valid but the way you brought them up isnt” or something like that in quotation marks in an attempt to mock me but like,,, yeah thats exactly what im saying lmao.

so yeah thats basically it? those are the main things. sorry this got so long.

#Anonymous

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admirablemushroom · 4 years

Text

chat with a stranger

[7:43 PM] ttd29: Tell me more about him [7:43 PM] ttd29: What is it that you like so much about this guy who doesnt respond to your needs? [7:43 PM] Theodore: ok so we met by playing dota2 together [7:44 PM] Theodore: he was a very nice guy who didn't scold me for feeding the enemies [7:44 PM] ttd29: Ok great start

[7:44 PM] Theodore: so for some reason i asked him his fb and we started to become friends [7:45 PM] Theodore: at the time i was dating a girl [7:45 PM] Theodore: i sent a few memes to him [7:45 PM] Theodore: u know, from r/suddenlygay, etc [7:46 PM] ttd29: Wait you’re bi? [7:46 PM] Theodore: you can say so... [7:46 PM] ttd29: Lol interesting [7:46 PM] ttd29: Anyway go on [7:47 PM] Theodore: i usually go by being gay in order to avoid surprise moments like this [7:47 PM] Theodore: anyway [7:47 PM] Theodore: we got closer and closer [7:48 PM] Theodore: i even asked him how to kiss a girl before i got that girl [7:48 PM] Theodore: then one day he was comfortable enof to admit that he's bi [7:49 PM] Theodore: and i eventually dumped my ex-gf bc i was an asshole [7:50 PM] Theodore: in my defense i felt tired to fake my masculinity [7:50 PM] ttd29: No need to defend yourself [7:50 PM] ttd29: At least you didnt cheat [7:50 PM] Theodore: then a few days later i met him in a coffee shop [7:50 PM] Theodore: that was our first meeting [7:51 PM] Theodore: and we started hanging out more often [7:51 PM] Theodore: after 2 meetings, we became boyfriends [7:53 PM] Theodore: ok after this point there was no major event [7:53 PM] Theodore: he also gave me a book 'call me by ur name' [7:53 PM] ttd29: How long did you guys date? [7:54 PM] Theodore: in the book, he signed "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" [7:54 PM] Theodore: the book has been given away to one of my friends [7:55 PM] Theodore: i can go on about how disgusting that book is but maybe another time [7:55 PM] Theodore: (not his fault, Andre aciman's fault) [7:55 PM] Theodore: then i took a 6-month exchange study [7:55 PM] Theodore: so we maintained our communication online [7:56 PM] Theodore: after getting back to vn, we went out together again [7:56 PM] Theodore: then we had arguments about this and that, i remember i was a pretty rude guy and i raised my tone a lot of times.... [7:57 PM] Theodore: must've been tiring for him to go thru all that [7:58 PM] Theodore: at the peak of the conflict, one day we were arguing about something i dont remember but pretty sure i started first [7:58 PM] Theodore: he left in the middle of the convo to play video games [7:58 PM] Theodore: which i was very angry and sad [7:59 PM] Theodore: but he also quit the match to talk to me [7:59 PM] Theodore: and u know, i was not a considerate person, i usually started a fight and made a fuss about anything [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when im stressed, i write a lot [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when i write a lot, whoever read it gets stressed too [8:01 PM] Theodore: ok i see u went offline lol, prolly u got stressed too [8:02 PM] ttd29: Lol relax [8:03 PM] ttd29: I just took a shower [8:04 PM] ttd29: And then after that what happened? [8:05 PM] Theodore: wait me, i need to finish the monstrosity i cooked [8:06 PM] ttd29: =))))) [8:06 PM] ttd29: Oke [8:20 PM] Theodore: ok so at one point i just straight up told him dont talk to me anymore [8:20 PM] Theodore: which i very regret til this day [8:21 PM] Theodore: after that text, he never answered me again [8:21 PM] Theodore: he didn't respond to anything [8:21 PM] Theodore: basically he ghosted me [8:21 PM] ttd29: For a year??? [8:22 PM] Theodore: yes [8:22 PM] Theodore: i had been through a lot of confusion, anger, self hate, regret, depression, you name it [8:22 PM] ttd29: And he never talked to you again until now? [8:23 PM] Theodore: i kept messaging him for months, until July last year i told him this would be my last text (it wasn't), which he also didnt read [8:24 PM] Theodore: and a few days ago my depression hit me so bad i had to bring up that shit again [8:24 PM] Theodore: this time i talked with a mutual friend of us [8:25 PM] Theodore: along the lines i told my fren that 'the only reason i haven't commit suicide is because my mom would be sad if i did' [8:25 PM] Theodore: my fren told my ex that i wanted to commit suicide... [8:25 PM] Theodore: -.- [8:25 PM] ttd29: Quào [8:25 PM] ttd29: Okay [8:26 PM] ttd29: Great friend [8:26 PM] ttd29: =)) [8:26 PM] ttd29: After that then what happened [8:27 PM] Theodore: anyway, i also sent him a few words that said 'i dont understand how things went wrong but im sure whatever my mistakes are, i am not deserved to be ghosted for a year like this' [8:27 PM] Theodore: after i filed a request to delete my fb account [8:27 PM] Theodore: so i told my fren find some way to make him read my last message before the account got deleted completely [8:28 PM] Theodore: actually he completed what i asked him to do, but the way he did it was a bit questionable wasn't it [8:28 PM] Theodore: in some way, he distorted what i said about suicide [8:29 PM] ttd29: Yeah that was totally not cool [8:29 PM] Theodore: anyway, my ex sent me an email to apologize bc i blocked him on all media [8:29 PM] Theodore: before i received the email, i felt like i was reborn [8:30 PM] Theodore: that i could finally give up the past and move on to the new chapter [8:30 PM] Theodore: but then... the email =.= [8:30 PM] Theodore: i just wanted him to read, i didn't want an answer anymore [8:30 PM] Theodore: it is too late for an answer [8:31 PM] Theodore: anyway i got stressed again and my emails sent to him got longer and longer [8:32 PM] Theodore: he eventually responded that he was super tired with this way of talking of mine and that's one of the reasons he gave up the relationship [8:32 PM] Theodore: i guess he had a point, i sometimes feel like im overdramatic about things [8:32 PM] Theodore: and yes when im stressed i'd write a lot and talk a lot [8:32 PM] ttd29: Yeah well [8:33 PM] ttd29: Now where are you guys? [8:33 PM] ttd29: Still exchanging emails? [8:33 PM] Theodore: so fast forward a few emails, i got friendlier and finally connected to him on discord [8:34 PM] Theodore: i dont really use discord but im not ready to reconnect with him on any other platform [8:34 PM] Theodore: so this is the choice [8:35 PM] ttd29: And you guys are talking normally now? [8:35 PM] Theodore: i guess??? idk, i dont feel that way [8:35 PM] Theodore: but, as i said, his mom is going thru cancer treatment [8:35 PM] Theodore: so he must be very busy and, in his words, he did not have the mental capacity for this [8:36 PM] Theodore: so yeah, although i really want to get back, i still feel like im chasing him [8:36 PM] ttd29: Okay got it [8:37 PM] Theodore: id been already texting to a ghost for almost a year, now i still have to try to get his attention [8:37 PM] Theodore: but [8:37 PM] Theodore: i cant blame him because who knows what his situation right now [8:37 PM] ttd29: Was about to ask why do you want to get back together but realize that’s a redundant question lol [8:38 PM] Theodore: here [8:38 PM] Theodore: also cuz he's cute so it's not that easy :frowning: [8:38 PM] ttd29: =))) [8:38 PM] ttd29: Lol [8:39 PM] ttd29: Cute guys are abundant out there waiting for you [8:39 PM] ttd29: Anyway [8:39 PM] Theodore: just enjoy my awkward humor amidst a stressful story [8:39 PM] ttd29: I kind of understand what you’re going through [8:39 PM] ttd29: Enough to know that you wont be rational right now lol [8:39 PM] Theodore: ... [8:39 PM] Theodore: thats disappointing [8:40 PM] ttd29: If i tell you he’s not the right guy for you, would you suddenly stop wanting him? [8:40 PM] ttd29: I don’t think so [8:41 PM] Theodore: that's what u think [8:41 PM] Theodore: this afternoon u said something that was quite impressing [8:41 PM] Theodore: but now it's not cuz i forgot [8:41 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [8:41 PM] ttd29: I said [8:41 PM] ttd29: It’s okay to miss someone [8:42 PM] Theodore: here [8:42 PM] ttd29: But you need to be rational enough to know whether they are good for you [8:42 PM] ttd29: That’s the more important part of the equation [8:43 PM] Theodore: it's so pity to give up such a beautiful story like that, i literally could turn it into a wattpad series which makes fangirls cry out every night [8:43 PM] Theodore: what we had together was so romantic and any relationship which came after was incomparable [8:44 PM] ttd29: This right here my fren [8:44 PM] ttd29: Is why every relationship comes after are not comparable [8:45 PM] ttd29: You havent fully dealt with your shit yet so everyone else are just rebounds [8:45 PM] ttd29: You think they would cure you, but you need to cure yourself first [8:45 PM] Theodore: i never found any friends that were so compatible with me like him, let alone a lover [8:46 PM] Theodore: for real, if i had great friends, i could have just turned to my friends and never given a shit about him [8:46 PM] Theodore: but i've always been a lonely person [8:47 PM] ttd29: Do you ever think [8:47 PM] ttd29: You’re so consumed by your pain, that you’re not letting your friends in? [8:47 PM] Theodore: ive been always like this since kindergarten [8:48 PM] ttd29: Like what? [8:48 PM] Theodore: alone [8:49 PM] ttd29: Lol it’s all connected together now [8:50 PM] ttd29: You’re always alone. So once you found someone who cares, you put wayyy too much pressure on that person to care for you [8:50 PM] Theodore: wow [8:50 PM] ttd29: So they cracked [8:51 PM] ttd29: Yeah [8:51 PM] ttd29: At least that’s the vibe I got from our conversations [8:52 PM] ttd29: And then you never really let anyone in to care for you after that person left. [8:52 PM] ttd29: I’m sure your friends really care about you. But you don’t tell them how they can help you so they must be frustrated as well [8:52 PM] ttd29: Hence the suicidal distortion thingy [8:53 PM] ttd29: Maybe they were concerned and wanted to help, but didnt know how to [8:54 PM] Theodore: hmmm [8:54 PM] Theodore: w8 me, im on a phone call w mum [8:54 PM] Theodore: brb [8:54 PM] ttd29: Oke [9:12 PM] Theodore: you are right about the whole thing [9:12 PM] Theodore: i wouldn't say i didn't let anyone care me after he left [9:13 PM] Theodore: it's just hard for me to connect with someone on that deep level [9:13 PM] Theodore: i used to be quite clingy around friends who i found compatible with me [9:14 PM] Theodore: but at the end of the day, i think it's important to know that they also have their own lives [9:14 PM] Theodore: so i dont really have friends anymore, cuz i feel like im bothering them [9:15 PM] ttd29: What is this deep level that you were able to connect with the guy? [9:15 PM] Theodore: yeah i have best friends here and there but i dont find myself comfortable as i was with my ex [9:17 PM] Theodore: he's both a best friend and a lover; we shared a lot of hobbies and favorite topics, ... and also i felt like he would always be there to lend me an ear, unlike a normal friend [9:17 PM] Theodore: which has been proved to be incorrect lol [9:17 PM] ttd29: Sounds like you need a hug lol [9:18 PM] Theodore: i really appreciate that u are staying here to listen to me [9:18 PM] Theodore: and u gave some very interesting insights that no one else did [9:18 PM] Theodore: prolly becuz they didn't care enof, or they just wanted to quickly conclude my problems so they could go to sleep [9:19 PM] ttd29: Haha i’m flattered [9:19 PM] ttd29: Idk you just sound like you really need to talk this out [9:20 PM] Theodore: and now that we're connected on discord, i kept getting mixed signals from him [9:20 PM] ttd29: I believe being able to talk about our problems always help [9:20 PM] Theodore: i'm a bit obsessed to discord recently and i found myself waiting for a dm from him [9:20 PM] Theodore: :neutral_face: [9:21 PM] ttd29: You know what your problem is? [9:21 PM] Theodore: i dont want to... you know... after all the shit ive been thru, i now have to continue waiting for him [9:21 PM] ttd29: You never really get a full closure from him [9:22 PM] ttd29: I mean he just ghosted you out of the blue. Then he only came back and apologized when he thought you were going to committ suicide [9:22 PM] Theodore: yes, please continue [9:22 PM] ttd29: You never got a sincere apology [9:23 PM] Theodore: you are right... [9:23 PM] ttd29: That’s why you’re so hung up [9:23 PM] ttd29: And you got your own problems to fix to [9:23 PM] ttd29: Starting from your “clinginess” [9:24 PM] ttd29: He’s not going to fix that problem for you [9:24 PM] ttd29: And if you guys got back together, you will eventually break up again, because the root of the problem was never resolved [9:24 PM] Theodore: you are right [9:25 PM] ttd29: I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you surely deserve an in-person, sincere apology from him, for leaving you in the worst way possible [9:26 PM] Theodore: i suppose [9:26 PM] Theodore: but he's in an emotional distress, so i cant really blame him, or expect anything from him [9:26 PM] Theodore: im thinking about ending this come-back plan from my side [9:27 PM] Theodore: i think he wont give a shit lol, because he also said we would still break up if none of us changed [9:28 PM] ttd29: Yeah so if he is aware of that [9:28 PM] Theodore: i really thought i had improved myself as a person after all the regret, but now that we found out that i still have a tendency to cling to people i care about and that makes them suffocated [9:28 PM] ttd29: And if he really did love you and respect you enough, he would understand you need this, Theodore. [9:29 PM] ttd29: This is your problem that you need to work on improving [9:29 PM] Theodore: need what? an apology? [9:29 PM] ttd29: Yes [9:29 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology [9:29 PM] ttd29: Not an “i only apologize because i think you’re going to commit suicide” [9:30 PM] Theodore: you are right, the moment i knew that was the reason he apologized, i was shocked and disappointed [9:30 PM] Theodore: shall i keep waiting for anything from him? [9:30 PM] ttd29: Just text him that [9:31 PM] Theodore: no, i dont want to [9:31 PM] ttd29: :))) if i were there, I would snatch the phone from you and text him myself [9:31 PM] Theodore: u seem like a cool friend to be around :)) [9:31 PM] ttd29: You said he was mature enough to know it’s not a good idea to get back together [9:32 PM] ttd29: So be it [9:32 PM] ttd29: But he must admit he was wrong [9:32 PM] ttd29: Wrong to treat you like that [9:32 PM] Theodore: i also asked him for an in-person meeting but he declined becuz he's busy with his mom [9:33 PM] Theodore: i think it will take a long time for him to get over that, and by that time he will have forgotten about me probably lol [9:33 PM] ttd29: Or via text, or via email or whatever. [9:33 PM] ttd29: Get him to apologize sincerely [9:34 PM] Theodore: he did apologize me multiple times [9:34 PM] ttd29: Okay fine [9:34 PM] ttd29: If you’re think they’re sincere then they are [9:34 PM] Theodore: even on discord, one time he asked me how i was doing and i told him about my depression and he apologized [9:34 PM] ttd29: But if they are not then you should get one [9:34 PM] ttd29: Omg no that’s not sincere [9:34 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [9:34 PM] Theodore: ??? its not [9:35 PM] Theodore: how do i know [9:35 PM] ttd29: Why must his apology always be connected to your mental state [9:35 PM] Theodore: he's not capable of writing dancing words like me [9:35 PM] Theodore: idk?? [9:35 PM] Theodore: so it's not sincere... [9:36 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology should be when you guys are both in normal state [9:36 PM] ttd29: And you know that he’s really sorry for what he did [9:37 PM] ttd29: Not just because he thinks saying sorry would make you not depressed/want to commit suicide/etc [9:37 PM] Theodore: got it [9:37 PM] Theodore: aww fren thanks for helping me realize it [9:38 PM] Theodore: maybe i still have feelings for him and want us to be back so i did put the bar quite low for an apology [9:38 PM] ttd29: Lol I need to consider becoming a mental therapy [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah to be frank I don’t think getting back together is a good idea [9:39 PM] ttd29: You need to deal with your emotional baggage first [9:39 PM] Theodore: okay [9:39 PM] Theodore: so no waiting for him [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah!!!! [9:39 PM] ttd29: Work on yourself [9:40 PM] Theodore: ok... [9:40 PM] Theodore: haizzz... [9:40 PM] Theodore: such a beautiful story

0 notes

radical-grape · 7 years

Note

Tbh I haven't read much about essentialism also & most essentialist feminists on tumblr kind of scared me off (which is a me thing, I don't blame them) but do you think even if their arguments were true (currently reading), should we not /still/ try to create a society in which a coexistence of man and women is possible? Idk it's the 'they won't learn' rhetoric that puts me off. I kind of feel like most actually wouldn't .. but how do we know they won't if raised in an all fem surrounding?

Sorry it took me so long to reply to this! I just want to start by restating that I basically know nothing. I’ve tried looking up the arguments for the essentialist side but when i google “essentialism feminism” all i get is like basic “feminism opposes essentialism” blabla and when i googled separatist feminism i couldnt find any of the arguments about essentialism wrt men either and after that i wasn’t sure where to search. The tiny bit i know is just stuff i saw on tumblr. So basically if anything i say in here is wrong and stupid then please don’t get mad, I’m trying and want to learn, and if there’s anything anyone wants to correct me on then please do!

Anyway, since you asked, i will state my current opinion on the matter. Basically essentialists claim that men are inheritly patriarchal/evil/bad/whatever, and other feminists (reformists? idk) claim that men are only/mainly evil because of socialisation, and can be socialised to be good as well. The respective solutions (as far as i know?) are either living completely seperate from men and never interacting with them ever again (??? im really not sure about this part ive never seen anyone actually say it but its how i imagine it would be? please tell me if im right or wrong) or keep fighting to change laws, social ideas etc to step by step dismantle patriarchy and create an “equal” (/matriarchal? not sure if reformists would go so far to claim it should be a matriarchy, from what i’ve seen they tend to stay away from that word?) society. Obviously there’s nuances in the beliefs and solutions from person to person, but this is how i gather them to mainly be.

I can’t say i 100% agree or disagree with either, but so far i definitely agree more with the essentialist/separatist side of the discussion. It makes sense that patriarchy can only have come about (in so many cultures all over the world) if men were already kind of evil. I do think socialization has a lot to do with it as well though: I don’t think men were *as* evil before patriarchy as they are now, i think the heavy socialisation wrt rape culture, pedophile culture, porn etc etc definitely very very strongly reinforces that initial little seed of evil lying within them. Thats why we can see that the way they express their masculinity/manhood/opression of women differs heavily from culture to culture and between periods in history (probably? i have no evidence to support this lol).

So basically what I think is, yes, men do inheritly have a tendency towards violence, oppression, being evil, whatever. *However*, I do think that it is possible to overcome these tendencies, if, and only if, they are heavily socialised to actually be good people, AND if there is a system in place to assure that men will never ever get enough power to oppress women again (so basically a well enforced matriarchy?). This would then only leave the question as to whether or not we *want* to do the effort of taking power, establishing a matriarchy, educating men and keeping them in their place. That however would mainly just come down to personal preference. I think for lesbians mostly there would be absolutely no benefit towards living alongside men, though het women might still want to consider it.

For me personally, it would be ideal if instead of having to choose between separatism and establishing matriarchy, we could work to create both. They both require women seizing power and resources, and after that we could start designing different communities, some mixed and some women-only. Like i don’t necessarily think they’re mutually exclusive.

Just one last note though: i do think that reformism in the way it’s been praticed so far is ultimately not very useful. Instead of trying to gain power in things established by men, women should create their own (female only!) political establishments, gather their own resources etc. I don’t believe in simply making everything “equal”, women MUST have real power OVER men if they want to have a society where men are not evil.

Anyway its really late and ive had a rough day so i know this thing is all over the place, my language is terrible, half of my arguments are probably impossible to follow, i dont know if i even made any kind of point in this but yeah. Thats my thoughts on this subject. thanks for asking! :)

p.s. luckily most essentialist posts ive seen were quite informative and reasonable, however ive also come across some of them that were mainly just angry screaming online. i know it’s bad to be “tone policing” but as radfems i don’t think we should consider fellow radfems our enemies, and as long as reasonable we should try to speak to each other as friends/allies, constructively phrasing our arguments rather than shouting others down. So anyway i definitely get why some may have scared you off and i dont think that’s a you problem at all! I definitely think that’s a them problem, just as long as you keep in mind that just because they’re being rude doesn’t mean that they’re wrong per se. Just ignore them and try to find arguments made by people who are willing to be patient with you :)

p.s.s. I’m probably gonna regret 90% of what i said in here later and regret 100% of the wording so uhh when ur inevitably roasting this entire thing pls keep in mind my brain was fried when writing this ok thanks

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