#but maybe in a few days once i’ve like recovered lol i’ll watch videos and feel happier

[tormiller]

i’m literally so sad about my eras show experience like it was a great concert but so many things went wrong trying to get there and then getting back home was even worse and on top of it all the surprise songs were lame

[lizacstuff]

Sen Çal Kapımı / Edser ask from episode 43 (2x04)

AKA Serkan’s episode. 

There is also speculation about episode 44 based on the fragmans and a few random asks

 (Asks under the cut)

Anonymous asked: Hey, Liza! How did you like the ep? I still get chills when watching the diary x video scene and the final one.. Finally the truth is out to both Serkan and Kiraz! And that fragman! 😍 but It seems like Aydan filing for custody will be the new drama, do you think it will last long? Because I highly doubt that they will give solely happy edser and Kiraz in remaining episodes..

My full episode thoughts are here,  but I agree the diary and video scene was spectacular. It makes me teary every time. 

I’m also psyched that the truth is out. Truthfully, I was one that wanted Serkan to find out at the end of the first episode, but now I concede that it was better to draw it out a bit to really build everything up to this episode and his journey to letting go of his fears. What a character arc they gave him. They really explored Serkan and what drives him this episode and it was a treat-- a painful treat-- to watch it all unfold and for him to finally admit what had driven him to push her away all those years ago and what was still holding him back in the present. 

As for what’s next, that’s a great question. I agree that it’s unlikely we’re going to get happy Edser family from here on out, there has to be some obstacles and drama before we get to the end. The Aydan custody drama will clearly be the conflict in episode 5, but I don’t see it as any real barrier for Eda and Serkan. We see in the second fragman that Eda is already confronting Serkan about it, so if Aydan is doing something underhanded they can’t draw it out too long. 

I assume that while the custody thing may cause a wee bit of miscommunication between Eda and Serkan, I think it mostly will serve as fodder for Aydan and Ayfer’s relationship dynamic and give the supporting characters something to run around and chase after while Eda, Serkan and Kiraz actually start forming their new family unit. If anything it might serve as a catalyst for Serkan. Picture it, Eda confronts Serkan about it and Serkan is like “I don’t know anything about that, I wouldn’t do something that would hurt you or Kiraz, but I do want her, I want us.” You know, serve to clarify things.  

There are probably a few episodes of family drama in store for us as everyone, including Eda, Serkan and Kiraz adjust to this new reality. I assume once the euphoria of having her Baba back wears off for Kiraz, she might ask some questions that are hard for Eda and Serkan to answer. We shall see. 

Anonymous asked: i don't think i've cried THIS much at an sck episode... in like ever lmao. i was full on silent sobbing at serkan watching kiraz's baby videos.. but the scene i really loved the most was the one where they have it out after that fancy dinner. it was EVERYTHING we needed to hear serkan's POV and i almost can't believe a lot of us got the "can't have kids" theory right. i have loved so much this season how edser have communicated, even when it's painful and hard.. it was sorely missing for them.

I know! The communication! I don’t think they’ve ever communicated like this. Of course their issues were not as deep and nuanced back in the first batch of episodes so going this in-depth wasn’t necessary, but they didn’t communicate like this when dealing with Babaanne or when it was really needed after the amnesia era.  

Honestly, so pleased the “can’t have kids” theory was correct. It goes so far in explaining his actions and thought process when pushing her away, as distorted as that thought process was.  It truly was selfless, because I’m sure all he wanted was to hold her tight and never let go, but it was also so unnecessary. Their love story has just been so tragic, but if you think about how many things were stacked against them, it’s also stunning that their love has persevered. They were so opposite and unlikely to fall in love to begin with and then you add in all the things that stood in their way, meddling mothers, family secrets, Serkan’s father being responsible for her parents death, evil, rich, powerful grandmother using everything in her considerable arsenal to keep them apart, psycho stalkers, kidnapping princes, crashing planes, amnesia, brainwashing and abusive exes, plotting “friends,” tumor, cancer, separation!

To come out of all of that and to see they are clearly still in love with one another... well they really don’t have any other choice. They should get married immediately with no pomp and circumstance just so they are legally tied together. So when the next tragic, catastrophic thing comes along it will be that much harder to pull them apart.  

Anonymous asked: deniz and burak are the most harmless "3rd party" characters we've ever had in the show that it almost makes me laugh when ppl get so insecure about them.. especially with burak, knowing that he's gonna be melo's love interest, even if i don't want it. like, sure serkan is naturally gonna be jealous, maybe possessive, because of "buba" but it's all being shown right now as light comedic relief.. i've seen some people REALLY take it to heart when it really doesn't seem like it's that deep lol.

I know, it’s all so mild. They also aren’t actually even third party love interests, because there is absolutely zero interest from either side of the main pair. Both are there to a) serve plot purposes and b) show that neither Eda or Serkan is interested in anybody else. It’s nice, we get to see that while they both have had options, neither has been able to move on and both have chosen to remain alone. 

As for driving the plot, Burak’s presence was necessary because they needed someone who Serkan thought was Kiraz’s father, and Deniz was necessary because they needed someone who would do whatever Serkan wanted when Serkan wanted to force proximity with Eda. 

Looking at the fragman, the real “triangle” might be Buba - Kiraz - Baba  but I also think that will mostly be played for laughs.  A way to give us some “Drain the pool” and “Burn the flowers” type jealousy moments from Serkan, since that was a hallmark of Ayse’s early writing. 

However, I can see why some folks were put-off by that vibe. Because, yes, if you’ve been standing in as a male-figure for the 5-year-old daughter of the woman you’re tying to woo (let’s not pretend that’s not why Burak takes such an interest in Kiraz) and the father that the 5-year-old has been wanting and pining for actually re-enters the picture, maybe you don’t need to force your way in and have “Buba day” the day after he returns. I’m not saying you can’t have it ever again, I’m saying you let the family have some alone time and figure things out. Anyone with any emotional intelligence would postpone such an outing. However, it looks like Serkan is not put off so easily and we know he doesn’t lose, so it will probably lead to humorous scenes. 

The good thing about this is that it shows that Serkan won’t sit passively by. Here Burak is giving him an out, Serkan can have his day back, go to work, he can slide into fatherhood slowly, but looks like Serkan is going to have none of that and is going to crash their fishing outing. How’s that for someone who said he wasn’t ready for fatherhood a mere 24-48 hours earlier?

Also it’s worth noting that Kiraz doesn’t see Burak as a father-figure, if she did she probably would have joined Ayfer and tried to get her mom to marry him. Instead she’s been almost obsessed with her father, talking about him, dreaming about him, wanting him and was very quick to correct when someone mistook Baba and Buba. Also she wanted Buba to meet her father.  So Kiraz wanting to spend time with him isn’t a slight, in her mind he’s a friend, an uncle and with all the upheaval keeping their plans might feel safe to her. We’ll see.   

 martha0206 asked: Hi! I love your pinned post. That moment was perfect. Also, I loved the sad and emotional scenes as well as the funny ones. The episode was amazing!!! ❤ Serkan made Kiraz dream come true and I've rewatched that scene and cried because it's too beautiful and touching 🥺 K: Dad? S: Happy Birthday, my daughter 🥺😭❤

Ahh... this post that was pinned.  Thank you for the kind words, I also love that scene. I just love it because it’s such an EXTRA thing to do, putting on the astronaut costume and making an entrance like that, but both Serkan and Eda have always been so extra that it works for their little family. 

I love that he made Kiraz’s dream come true in the most dramatic way possible.  But beyond being dramatic, it was the perfect way to signal that no matter what fears or hang-ups Serkan had, he’s committed to getting over them and he’s ready to go all in on fatherhood. A perfect way to show not only Eda that he’s serious, but to show all their friends and family he’s serious. DO YOU HEAR THAT, AYFER? He’s back and he’s going to be her daddy, and there is nothing you can do about it!

Anonymous asked: do you think the writers goal is to make us hate Ayfer and Aydan? because its just a deeper and deeper hole for these two and I don't understand if they're supposed to be a happy family at the end. I actually realized going back that Ayfer never really developed into liking Serkan/Edser, she just accepted him one day and that was that but with Aydan, her character development was top tier up until episode 29 came along and she never recovered. Now I just want them gone.

LOL, I think this is a pretty popular sentiment among fans.  

Personally, I need to see how badly Aydan is meddling in the next episode. If it’s fairly inept meddling that just causes some mild misunderstandings but also serves as a catalyst for an Edser conversation about the future, I probably won’t get too upset with her.  However, if her meddling is more competent this time and she gets them into real trouble or causes real problems, then I’ll get annoyed with her. Although, I have to say if we need a few episodes of drama, I would rather this sort of controlled, family drama (meddling mamas causing a misunderstanding about custody) then, you know, other melodramatic things that certain other writing teams used to do... like kidnappings and obsessed stalkers. 

As for Aydan, I can’t help it, even though I can never forgive her transgression in 29, I feel sorry that she lost out on so much of her granddaughter’s life.  So if she wants to come in and cause headaches and drama for Ayfer (not Eda, Kiraz and Serkan... but Ayfer) then I have no problem with that. As far as I’m concerned those two can run around for the next few episodes playing cat and mouse while Eda/Serkan/Kiraz quietly form a family.

Honestly, I don’t think they want us to hate Aydan, because they give Aydan funny scenes and relationships outside of Serkan with Kemal and Seyfi and even Engin and Piril, but I have wondered if they want us to hate Ayfer. Because Ayfer doesn’t get any redeeming scenes.  I mean we’re talking about a woman who managed to raise her orphaned niece and her niece never wanted for love and turned out to be a strong, smart, confidence, successful woman... sooooo she must be awesome, right!?!  NOPE. I mean to take a character like that, who had to have been so instrumental in Eda not feeling lonely like Serkan did, but then make her so unlikeable... it has to be on purpose.  

Anonymous asked: I loved this episode of sen cal kapimi. I wasn’t so mad at the pregnancy thing. I know lots of fans are but I really liked how they made Eda and Serkan emotional and we could understand them better. I just hate how all the people who don’t like the show anymore have turned into toxic haters. It’s so frustrating. If she show isnt working for you, then why do they keep watching? 🙁

This happens in every fandom where the show keeps going and takes turns that some fans don’t like. My best advice is to not expect others to change or to stop watching or stop hate tweeting/posting, but to take steps to change your own experience so they don’t ruin it for you. I can’t tell you how many people I currently have muted on twitter. Lots. I don’t want to see the cynical, nasty tweets day in and day out about this show, the writers etc. Twitter has always been hard to take because so many people post their knee-jerk responses there and often choose to word vomit their first emotional response which for some people is mostly negative. That is true for every fandom, and has been true for this fandom since I started looking at responses there. 

So to protect yourself, seek out people who are enjoying the show and post content that you want to see and mute, unfollow or even block those who make your experience worse. 

You’ll never regret curating your experience. 

Also I don’t really consider this fandom toxic. Sure there’s negativity about the storyline and internal drama about a variety of things, but after you’ve been though shipwars that get hella toxic and include fans trying to destroy actor’s careers and who attempt to use social justice issues to bully their fanon ships into existence on a constant day-after-day basis for years, this is nothing. This fandom is a daisy-lined, sunlight walk in the park in comparison.  

Anonymous asked: For the way they treat their child's SO, I prefer Aydan over Ayfer. Ofc Aydan has been selfish & rude to Eda but Aydan saw her as a respectable foe even when she didn't like Eda. Even now her ire has been directed more at Ayfer than Eda. Ayfer eventually accepted Serkan but never seemed to like him. I get why she thought he was bad for Eda but often her anger has been unwarranted. Ironic how mad she was at him for keeping a secret from Eda for 2 weeks. Even now we see how Ayfer's anger sways Eda

I also prefer Aydan over Ayfer, here’s my recent post on it. 

The problem is not that Ayfer never liked Serkan, the problem is that Ayfer never care that Eda did like him. Ayfer can dislike him all she wants as long as she doesn’t interfere, but oh wait, she has interfered, time and time again. She’s used guilt and manipulation in attempts to control Eda at every turn, to the point, at times, of not caring that she was forcing Eda to sacrifice her career as well as her love. 

It will be interesting to see Ayfer’s response when she realizes Eda is going to let Serkan into their lives. Will she double down on badmouthing Serkan and pressuring Eda not to get involved with him, or will she smarten up and back off? I think we know the answer to that. 

Anonymous asked: Hii! I’m curious what they will come up with for the remaining episodes, I mean, drama-wise, cause no way will Ayse give us 7 episodes of Edser x Kiraz happy family time 🥺 but sure, that is also reasonable since Turks need drama to keep watching

You know, as I said above, I’m very curious about this. To be honest I didn’t really expect Eda and Serkan to be at this emotional place by the 4th episode. I mean they’re not totally ready to get back together, but they’ve both made it obvious that they still love one another, and that is kind of a big milestone in a romantic story. 

Seriously, my assumption prior to the season was that we’d have these initial finding out episodes, and then Eda and Serkan would still be sort of outwardly pretending that they didn’t want to get back together, or still angry at one another, but then they’d be forced together by Kiraz. You know there’d be some parent trapping, and a handcuff episodes and then Kiraz would manipulate them into living together and we’d get all sorts of domestic sexual tension scenes.  Now these things may still happen to some degree, but Edser is starting from a very different outward emotional place than I thought they would be. I assumed we’d get another 4-5 episodes of slow burn, forced proximity before they admitted things and got engaged. But now it feels like their feelings are out in the open and they could decide to get married at any moment. 

So we’ll have to see how the writer’s decide to chart their emotional journey over the remaining episodes. One thing I’m sure of, there are some wonderful scenes coming our way.  

Anonymous asked: I'm back and happy to say that Engin delivered!! THAT is how you use a side character. (Not whatever they were doing with Ayfer for what seemed like half the episode) This was a perfect scene for these two and had no business being as emotional as it was

Oh, yes, as I said here in my episode thoughts, the Engin/Serkan scene is the one that really started me crying on first watch. Anil was really fantastic in that scene and it made me realize how sorely I had missed Serkan/Engin as male best friends who actually talk about their emotions. Where was that guy when Serkan was being brainwashed and manipulated by Selin!?! Oh yeah he was in the hands of inept writers. 

Glad the real Engin is back!

Anonymous asked: Serkan's vehemence against wanting kids, and his dislike of kids in general, make so much more sense with what was revealed.. we just had to be patient! I can't imagine wanting something so much, having it be your "dream" and being told it's impossible.. Serkan's method of dealing with it was trying to convince himself he never wanted it in the first place and trying to dislike the topic altogether. no wonder he was never close with Can either as an uncle... how heartbreaking!

Yes, I absolutely think that was part of it. He dealt with the fact that he couldn't have children by outwardly adopting the attitude that he never wanted it, even though he still knew deep down that it’s all he wanted with Eda. 

Heartbreaking indeed. 

Anonymous asked: i hate to think of more drama when it seems like we have such a fluff-filled episode next week.. but this week's conversations b/w edser have me thinking.. do you think a possibility of reoccurrence of his tumor, or just a scare could be coming as one of their "final" hurdles. except this time instead of making his mistakes from the past, he'll do it right this time. obviously everything will be resolved happily, but i was thinking of the possibility of this when serkan was discussing his health

While anything is possible, I don’t see a reoccurrence of his tumor happening because they had a scene where the doctor said he was in perfect health and that since it had been five years he now had the same chance of occurrence as an ordinary person.  However, I suppose it’s not impossible that they give him some sort of scare so that he can prove he’s changed and that they won’t abandon his family if that sort of adversity comes again. 

Honestly, if I was Eda, I would make him go to therapy as a condition of them getting back together. Make sure he develops some coping skills for the long haul. 

Anonymous asked: the ending of the last episode was equivalent to ep 11 but kiraz version for me.. the whole build-up of serkan initially thinking he can't be her father - a good father - and his fears about leaving them both halfway culminating in him saying kiraz is a miracle, that she's perfect.. watching her home videos to showing up WHEN IT MATTERED!! for his daughter.. ugh i'm so glad there was that build-up, but also that it wasn't stretched out over multiple episodes.

Yes, I agree it was all really well done. It did feel like we had all the build up we needed to truly appreciate the moment and to appreciate Serkan’s extraordinary character arc. 

He truly rose to the occasion at the right moment, and I love that his grand gesture not only made Kiraz’s dream come true, but it showed everyone his growth and acceptance of his role as her father. 

Anonymous asked: can they just bring back Tahir - him and Melo had so much potential. let's just say he finally quit working for Babaanne and decided to come back to Istanbul to find Melo 😊

Yes, please!  He really liked her! Though she never really liked him, lmao. She could have gotten there with time. Though, I guess if she really likes Burak I can get behind it. And by that I mean I won’t bitch about it too much. No promises. We shall see. 

Anonymous asked: Anon here! Thank you so much for that explanation!!!! It seems really interesting, might just have to give it a chance now! Thank you kindly 😊😊

It’s a fun show and I do recommend it. Let me know if you start watching!

[ramblinganthropologist]

MER Week Day 2 - Long time no see

Summary: It’s been a while since Alistair Shepard and Garrus Vakarian have seen each other. They’ve been busy on their separate planets, helping in whatever ways they can to get things back to as normal as they’re going to get. However, with some free time, they’re finally getting to meet back up. Problem is... somebody forgot to mention the testosterone. Whoops. Well, at least Shepard’s got a free offer of carapace ripping from his sister if things go south.

(Set after ME3, enjoy your t4t shakarian lol)

---

Babe: See you at 3 then.

The message still glowed on his screen, burned into his retinas from the night before. It was the last message in a long conversation that had lasted well into hours he should have been sleeping, but it had been worth it. After all, it was important to hash out details when your fiancé was coming to visit.

It was even more important to do so in his circumstances.

“Fuck…”

The words leaked out from between Alistair’s teeth as he glanced around – the time said it was sometime after 2:40. Like always, campus was busy, full of his fellow students going from one class to another. Most of them look tired – and he understood that fully. Between med school and fighting the reapers… some days it could be a toss-up, depending on what he was doing.

Most days, med school won. Maybe that was a good thing? Or maybe he was just a sadist.

Regardless, campus was busy. It was easy to blend into the crowd like this as he sought a seat on a bench under a tree. All he could do was look at the screen of his omni-tool, frowning as he read through the messages.

He shouldn’t have been nervous… but he was.

Maybe that was why he clicked onto a new message window, just as busy as the one with the one he had been glancing at. Even better, the other person was online. Something like hope sprung into his chest as he started typing, fingers flying with the speed of an ex-Alliance officer.

Some things were fading with time – this probably never would.

Al: Where are my anxiety meds when I need them?

Bo: Relax, he’s going to love it. And if he doesn’t, there won’t be anything left to bury afterwards.

Bo: Or whatever turians do when they die.

“Nothing like threatening my fiancé to get me to calm down.” He chuckled despite himself, shoulders relaxing ever so slightly. However, a beeping drew his attention. Bo was attempting to video call him, which he was more than happy to accept.

Rannoch was as busy as ever on the other side of the line. He could see quarians and geth in the background, going about their business as his adopted sister focused her camera. Even after tweaking it, she was still a little skewed and not completely in the frame. However, she was allowed to be – her analogue sense of direction had saved his ass. She could be as out of focus as she wanted.

“I mean it, Al.”

He chuckled again. “I know, Bo. I guess I’m just nervous. I mean… we haven’t seen each other before…”

With his free hand, he gestured towards his body. Some days, especially in the early morning when he was half asleep, he was still unable to believe what was actually happened. It seemed more like a dream… at least until his voice cracked. It was doing that far less as his range settled, but still. At his age, it was kind of embarrassing.

Oh well, puberty was rough, especially when it was triggered for a second time in his 30’s.

“Told you that you should’ve sent him more dick pics.” Bo’s tone was flat as a pancake as she adjusted her camera – still out of focus. Now he was getting a view of Rannoch’s currently cloudless sky. Last time he had seen it, it had been full of Reapers. Honestly, he preferred it without them. Much friendlier. “Just relax. You know he thinks you’re hot as hell. All you have to do is use your commander Shepard voice and he’ll be eating out of your hand.”

Alistair felt his face color a little as he looked to the side. “I’m not going to use that in public…”

“You know what I mean. An Adam’s apple isn’t going to turn him off, so no sense worrying about it.” She paused, and he swore her eyes glowed. Maybe that was the camera angle? “And if it does…”

He could already see the threat – beating him with his own carapace was one of her favorites. He had never actually seen someone do it, but it was a classic at that point.

“Yeah, I know - death and calamity upon his head like you’ve only reigned down on the last guy who tried to take your crown.”

“He’s still recovering.” There was pride in her voice at that, and she should have it. After all, it wasn’t every day a human went undefeated in Omega’s underground Krogan wrestling tournaments. Surviving the reapers only brought better challengers, and it seemed to keep her well supplied with cannon fodder. “But anyway, just go for it.”

There was a pause, and her camera focused momentarily. “Also, since when did you start growing a beard?”

Oh, hail the mighty power of testosterone…

“Like two months ago, shaving sucks.” A beeping drew his attention – his heart raced at the sight of a new message. “Gotta go… I think that’s him.”

“Remember, just call me if you need his carapace ripped off.”

After the offer of violent assault, the call disconnected and left Alistair alone with his thoughts as he switched back over to his messages. Just like he thought, the message was from a certain someone he was waiting for. His heart jumped into his throat as he glanced around – nope, not there yet.

Babe: Almost there, got a little lost. I’ll never understand human city planning.

He always said that. Still, it made the ex-marine chuckle as he stood, waiting. Soon enough, they would be together again. It had been far too long, and the distance achingly wide. But now that the relays were working again, it was possible.

Note to self: maybe don’t take out the relays next time he saved the universe. It made travel a nightmare to say the least.

At least it wasn’t a long wait. Out of the corner of his eye, Alistair spotted movement that didn’t quite track for tired med student. It was too focused for that, and the pace was all wrong anyway. Plus, the whole carapace and being like seven feet tall thing helped, but it didn’t sound nearly as cool as the former.

“Alright, just… relax. Like Bo said…”

Of course, that didn’t help the butterflies in his stomach as he stood, adjusting his shirt. All the logic in the world couldn’t have saved him then as he watched the turian approach, clearly scanning the crowd for familiar markers. His heart stopped when their eyes met in the crowd, blue into blue.

Garrus was looking good for someone who had nearly died killing Reapers.

“Al?”

There was no mistaking the surprise in the turian’s voice as he made his way over to the tree. When he finally got there, his mandibles flapped like flags in the wind. The gears were turning in his brain, no doubt running countless calibrations. In a weird way, it was kind of cute.

At the same time, it was fucking nerve wracking. Talk about a conflict of interest.

Still, it was Garrus, and he was finally there. That was enough to put a smile on Alistair’s face as he reached out to take the turian’s taloned hand. It was just as rough and warm as he remembered, and his fingers still stretched as they laced together. It might have been a little sore, but muscle memory wasn’t letting him down.

“Hey, babe. Good to see you got here in one piece.”

Thank the universe his voice didn’t crack with that one. Maybe this was the thanks he got for saving it.

At least Garrus had the good grace to not look as though his jaws had stopped working. Alistair did get to watch his eyes travel downward in the classic once-over, though. All the while, his stomach bubbled. It felt as though a heavy weight was poised to drop on his head, and all he could do was stand there and wait.

Eventually, the turian squeezed back carefully, the blunt side of his talons sliding down his fingers. “So, I guess this is why you’ve been so shy about video calling me lately?”

“My voice was cracking really badly up until about a month ago, you were saved a lot of translator feedback.” He smiled, sheepish. “But… yeah. I didn’t really know how things were going to turn out and…”

His voice trailed off as he felt heat leak into his cheeks. “Here’s hoping you still think I’m hot?”

Yep, his voice definitely cracked at the end there. Maybe the universe had it in for him after all. At least Garrus didn’t wince too hard at the sudden shift – good old turian military training there. Still, he hadn’t said anything yet. That… wasn’t promising.

Maybe he should have sent those dick pics?

“You… what’s that called again?” Garrus cocked his head to the side in a gesture that always made him look cute and kind of bird-like. “On your face. Joker was always talking about his.”

Right, turian…

“Beard. And mine’s not quite as good as his yet I’m afraid but give me a few months and I’ll see what I can do.” He chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand, fingers ghosting over his amp. It hadn’t seen action in almost a year now, and it was still odd to feel it cool to the touch.

Much to his relief, Garrus nodded. “It looks good now. I mean, you look good in general and all… I thought turian reactions to hormones were impressive, but humans are something else.”

“Gotta love those secondary sexual characteristics, babe.” Relief flooded through Alistair’s system as he sighed in relief. “And I think you just saved yourself getting your carapace ripped off by my sister.”

Hooray – that would have been a nightmare to fix.

Now it was the turian chuckling as he reached down to press his faceplates to his forehead in an alien version of a kiss. It was a gesture that always got his heart racing, even if it was just a quick peck. He had missed that in their time apart – texting just couldn’t beat actual contact.

“That’s probably for the best. I’ve not had a lot of practice lately, might be getting a little rusty.”

Alistair chuckled as they started to walk through the crowd. “You, rusty? I find that hard to believe.”

“Oh, no, it’s true. Barely had any time to run calibrations even, I’m starting to worry I’ll forget.”

That time, they shared a laugh between them. Maybe this was what Alistair had missed the most in the time spent on different planets – there was just something about the interplay between human and turian laughter that made his insides feel warm. Or maybe that was just his reaction to Garrus in general. Right then, anything was possible.

Still, he felt his face color a little as he looked to the side. “I’m sorry I didn’t send any in-progress shots. Bo could confirm any embarrassing details if you asked her.”

“Trust me, I get it. Remind me when we get back to your place to tell you about how I didn’t tell my sister I was going on hormones until after she came back from basic.” Another squeeze. “Of course, if you wanted to test that new vocal range out in some more strenuous conditions first…”

Oh, there was nothing friendly about that gaze. And it was something Alistair could appreciate as he squeezed back. Home was well prepped for what they both had in mind – they just had to get there first. Lucky for him, he lived within walking distance of campus.

The chuckle that escaped his lips was definitely not of the innocent afternoon type as he leaned in so only the turian could hear him. “I think that can be arranged, Vakarian. Better pick up the pace, though.”

“Sir, yes, sir.”

With that, it was off they went at a faster rate, not quite a run but definitely quick. With the sun shining and thoughts about what was waiting for him when he got home, Alistair was once again glad the whole universe saving thing had worked out for the better.

Now… what exactly was he going to do with the turian when he got home? The options were endless…

[kittensjonsa]

Trophy Wife

Another day, another detective-lawyer tag team duo Jonsa AU nobody asked for lol. Has this been done before? No idea but for some reason, this was dying to get out of my system, so I just had to -so please bear with it. Or not, up to you (trigger warning below). 

Summary: Sansa needs help in bringing down one of the worst criminals of the century - and save her abducted best friend. Jon, a shy elusive private investigator offers a helping hand. Sparks fly when things heat up, while going undercover. *winks*

Rated NC-17 to E for language and content. Major trigger warning for abuse (various). I am neither a lawyer nor a PI so forgive me if I get some of the terms wrong. Part One of (maybe, let’s see) Three. Enjoy! x

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Part One

Eviction. Jon hated that word. He hated hearing it, hated being threatened by it and now there it was, written all over his door on a notice in red capital letters. Fuck you too, he thought as he tore off the paper. I'll say when I'll go. This was not a time for moving houses or looking for a new place. He was busy, there were things to do and places to hide in. If only they could spare him a couple more months, that was all he needed, if the rent he owed was correct in his head. Jon had lived in his car once and he couldn't live through that again.

Besides, he was on a roll. At least, he'd like to think so. Clients were coming in and he had more jobs that he did a year ago. Of course, that was largely due to his success in uncovering the biggest scandal in all of Westeros - involving the Lannisters and a certain pair of twins who had relations with one another, in a biblical sense, or so it seemed. It did not help one bit when the Lannisters were also the family everyone loved to hate, and Jon probably did the country a huge favour when the news went public. Within days, it was reported that any Lannisters who planned to run for government office were rejected, shunned and ridiculed. So much so, that they went into hiding. Good riddance.

You reap what you sow. They had it coming, Jon told himself. And truthfully, he relished every second of it, bringing down the notorious family - such a satisfying accomplishment it was. It was just ironic that a member of the Lannister family had hired him, turning the evidence into a weapon and declaring war against the Lannister legacy. So much for a happy family.

The pay check from the Lannister job was substantial enough and managed to pay his debts that he owed but when it came to maintaining the business, the cash quickly ran out. Furthermore, it did not help that his clients would only pay once they had received proof that their suspicions were right all along, which took some time. Jon hadn't even counted his gas money and meals during stake outs or the electricity bills that soared after spending late nights playing and watching video tapes over and over. Surveillance was a costly, slow and painstaking process but essential, in getting the dough and the job done.

Maybe I'm too nice. Jon wished he had stipulated a clause in his contract that required a deposit before he accepted any assignments. But frail crying wives desperate to get out of loveless marriages were not people he wanted to take advantage of and a lawyer, he was not. If he had a therapist licence, perhaps it would be more useful in bringing in the bucks. Still, through word of mouth, steadily the business grew - apparently, spying on people was a lucrative outfit. Jon couldn't recall earning this much when he worked at his former security firm at Castle Black.

“So, you'll do it?” the gentleman asked, sliding an envelope towards him. Jon opened it and took a peek, in it had a flash drive and a rolled up wad of cash, which looked like a few thousands.

“I would. But you must know that I work best alone,” Jon agreed.

“Oh no. Not for this one. It will be difficult to crack this one without a partner.”

Smart ass. Trying to tell me how to do my job. The cash looks good though. It'll help tide over a couple of things.

“All right. So I need a partner. You have to give me some time to look for one. And that's going to cost you, you know that right?”

The gentleman smiled and drummed his fingers on the dining table. “Oh, I know that. But what if I already have a partner for you? She's ready to work on this with you.”

“She? Whoa.. back up for a second. I didn't say I needed female partner. Besides, this isn't a job for a lady, if what you told me is true.”

“Trust me, she's on board with this a hundred percent. I trust her to do the job, above and beyond.”

Jon was still reluctant. The quick and easy cash advance had come with its own conditions. “Okay. Does she have a name? I'd have to do background checks, you know and all of that, for safety reasons.”

“Of course. All you need on her is on the flash drive in there,” he pointed to the envelope Jon was resting his hands on. “Besides, she's my niece.”

“Your what? And you're okay with her getting involved?”

He nodded and turned his attention back to his newly refilled coffee. Jon couldn't believe his ears. What kind of uncle are you?

“She feels as strongly about this than just about anyone. Maybe more. And she volunteered. I suppose she has her reasons. How can I say no that?”

“Yeah... but we're investigating an alleged sex ring. Are we not? Seems a little inappropriate, don't you think?” Jon whispered as he leaned in, wondering what kind of shenanigans people are up to these days.

Jon watched as he put down his mug and adjusted the glasses that sat low on the bridge of his nose. He didn't strike Jon as a sleazeball, the kind who would sell and pimp anything or anyone to make a buck. He was mysterious yet friendly, sophisticated yet ruggedly worn, as if he had seen enough ills in his lifetime.

“A human trafficking ring, to be exact. We've been trying to go after them for years but they get away with it every time. You know why? Because all evidence pointing to them were ruled inadmissible. Come on, you've read about it in the papers, on the news. Day in, day out we built the case and every time we find something worthwhile, another detail or another statement comes up and render the leads useless.”

It was true. It was all over the media - the Boltons and the Freys accused of allegedly running an illegal sex trade. But to Jon, it seemed that there was all there was to it. People wanting to have a bit of fun at a party isn’t that new or illegal, he thought, even though he depised the Boltons and the Freys as much as the next decent guy on the street. Unless of course, if the ring was made up of abducted girls or worse, minors. That would truly be despicable and one that warranted medieval torture and capital punishment. This is going to be quite the undertaking, Jon suddenly realised.

“Have you considered going to the police... or your client going to the police for help? Instead of a private investigator.”

Jon waited for an answer as both their eyes met, one was smiling and the other was not.

“You don't think the police isn't involved in this? Not investigating, no that. We have reason to believe that members of the police are themselves the perpetrators. I'm talking high ranking officials, son. So, you see why we have to.. approach this in another way.”

“Okay, I see your point. All right then. I'll need to meet this niece of yours, so I can clue her in on how to go about this. Though, I'm not sure how it'll work.”

“I am sure you'll try your best. Believe me, Jon, if we win this case, it'll be the biggest one yet. It's something greater than all of us. It's for the greater good. I can't quite discuss names or details than what I've just told you or who my client is but the money? There's more where that came from. Here's my card, should you need anything.”

Jon looked at the name card. “ Well, you sold me there. We'll be in touch, Mr Stark.”

“Likewise, Jon. Oh, and call me Ben. I hope to hear from you soon.”

Jon watched as Benjen Stark left the diner and into his Mercedes, as he contemplated his next step. This was a big job, and Benjen was right, he probably could not handle it alone. Still, Jon was curious and intrigued, wondering whom his partner was.

Jon jolted up from his bed when the doorbell rang. It was only eight in the morning and Jon did not recall ordering anything that required an early morning delivery. Ugh, what..

Jon stumbled out of bed, clad only in yesterday's jeans and stepping on notes scattered everywhere in his room. His living room wasn't spared either, with boxes of carefully labelled tapes stacked haphazardly in every corner.

“Jon Snow? Hi, I'm Sansa Stark. My uncle.. he spoke with you yesterday..”

Jon rubbed his eyes and squinted at the blurry figure in front of him. His eyes were stubbornly still asleep. Slowly but gradually, in the few minutes that it took for Jon to recover from his sleep-ridden stupor, his vision came round and found himself gazing at a tall redhead standing before him. Whoa.. okay.

“Bad time? I can come back later,” she said, sheepish at the sight of a sleepy half naked man yawning at her.

“No.. wait. You're the niece? Of Benjen?” Jon said, as memories from last night's meeting came to mind.

Sansa nodded. “The very one. He says I'll be working with you. On the case?”

It was way too early to be discussing details about work or anything, really and Jon needed a cup of good strong black coffee to stay awake. Shouldn't have read the file at three in the morning.

“Right. Come on in.” Jon opened the door wider as he led her into the living room. Sansa accepted the invite, albeit with caution as she stepped in, carefully steering clear of the boxes and files around her. 

“Pardon the mess, I don't get visitors much. Coffee?” Jon apologized as he helped himself to a cup of chilled coffee from the fridge. It was a norm now, keeping coffee from the night before, to save money. It didn't taste as good as freshly brewed coffee but it woke him nonetheless.

“Uhh.. no thanks. Water's fine.”

Jon watched the lady seated on his couch waiting politely for him to finish. He had gone through the file on her as Benjen had given. Graduated with honours at the top of her class at University of Westeros' Law School. Interned for two years at one of the top firms right after graduation and now a junior partner at Stark, Tully & Reed. Perhaps one of the most fascinating fact was that Sansa Stark had been on the prosecuting team in the 'Lannister vs the people' case. It was no wonder the Starks had come looking for him. He guessed he probably didn't need any further introductions, for now.

“So, how about we start about why you're here, Miss Stark,” Jon said, handing her a glass of tap water.

Sansa thanked him as she took the glass from his hand and set it down on an empty spot on the cluttered coffee table.

“Sansa, please. First of all, I apologize for not letting you know that I was coming. I did call and text yesterday but I suppose you were asleep. It was late anyway. Sorry about that.”

Jon then remembered his phone, which was now likely dead since he forgot to charge it. Oops.

“Oh, did you? Lately been trying to kind of de-plug every once in a while. But yeah, I might have fallen asleep too. Had some notes to go through and kind of forgot about my phone. My bad.”

Sansa smiled and took a small sip of water. “Oh.. that's all right. Anyway, let's start over. I'm Sansa Stark and I'll be working with you. I believe my uncle has filled you in? Pleased to meet you, Mr Jon Snow.” Sansa offered her hand.

Jon returned the handshake with a wary smile. “Pleasure's all mine. And please, Sansa, call me Jon. So, I'm guessing you know what we're working with?”

“I do. I was the one who put it together so I should know more about it than anyone.”

Benjen said he couldn't share details about who the client was and now Jon was curious. Sansa Stark seemed a force to be reckoned with - coming up and putting together a case of this magnitude could either be the ruin or the highlight of her law career.

“I see. Well, I must say I'm impressed. But you do know this can be dangerous work, right? If what your uncle says is true.”

“If it means saving hundreds from a cruel fate then I'm all for it. Besides-”

A loud rumbling growl startled Sansa to a pause mid sentence.

Jon's cheeks reddened, patting his stomach. “Umm..Do you think we could talk about this over breakfast? I.. I had a light dinner yesterday.”

Sansa bit down her lip as tried to stifle her giggle. This man is hilarious. Cute though. She didn't mind at all working alongside him. “Sure. I'm buying.”

Awesome. I don't mind it at all. Nothing more Jon loved than rich people willing to spend. But a cheap greasy diner breakfast with all the works was just what he needed right now. He can think of other fancy things later.

“I hope you don't mind. Not many fancy places around here,” Jon pointed to a booth in the diner, right in a corner where he usually sat every day and night. Grenn, the owner and chef who was also a friend and neighbour, made sure it was always empty and reserved just for him.

Sansa beamed at him, her striking blue eyes sparkling in the morning sun. “Are you kidding me? Diners are the best. The only places that helped through mid terms and finals. And man, they were gruelling. I would retreat to a diner and have a chocolate banana milkshake whenever things got a little tough. This.. is nice.”

Jon felt at ease immediately. Something told him he was going to have a great time working the case.

“So, tell me. Why 'Trophy Wife'? I mean, can't you call it what it is?” Jon asked, in between mouthfuls of bacon and French toast.

“Well, it's a code word you know. Human trafficking, sex ring.. these are terms people are not comfortable hearing, especially in public or in an office. Besides, not many people know about it and it is absolutely crucial that it stays that way. Too much information shared with anyone else won’t be good for us. Plus, I think it's also because.. it seems the victims are forced and paraded as wives of these predators. You know, so it seems legit. But that’s just a guess. I know deep down, there's nothing legitimate about it.” 

“Good point.” Jon concurred, shoving the last piece of French toast into his mouth. 

“You want to hear a story? We actually managed to get hold of a marriage certificate, you know, one that shared a victim's name on it. But get this - it was fake. There was no such church nor was there any minister with that name. It was a bust.”

“Yikes. Okay, so that should be proof enough right? I mean, right there is already fraud.”

Sansa sighed. “Yeah, up until someone accused us of fabricating the marriage certificate. I mean, we couldn't use it at all since it was fake. It definitely derailed the investigation for a while and it was the only promising lead we had. I believe there are still many. Out there. We just have to make sure the case won't go cold.”

Jon had to ask, seeing how fired up Sansa seemed about the whole thing. “Can I ask you something? If you don't mind my asking. Why this? I mean there are so many easier cases out there waiting.. but why this one?”

Sansa looked at him and looked away, turning towards the window.

“Jeyne Poole was twenty five years old when she went missing last year. Next month would be her seventh month missing. Her parents are worried sick and her mom had a stroke because of it. Jeyne was last seen at her place of work and that was it. She just disappeared and dropped from the face of the earth. That's not Jeyne to pull something like that.”

“What do you mean?”

Jon's furrowed brows prompted her further. “She's my age and my best friend, Jon. And no matter what, I have to search for her. Whether she's dead or alive.”

Jon was no stranger to hearing heavily personal details and he thought he could handle all the doom and gloom thrown his way, but this had him a little shaken up.

If he wasn't convinced before, he was sure as hell now. It was a dark treacherous path ahead but Sansa was a woman on a mission. And Jon knew well already, not to get in her way.

“Right. So, what do you need from me?”

It was a quiet walk back to his apartment as the brevity of the situation started to sink in. He may be a mediocre private investigator but a mediocre human being, he was not planning to be. Armed with new information and Sansa's fervour rubbing off on him, Jon was determined to find and annihilate the fuckers, if they really were the Boltons and the Freys, even better. Two less scumbags in the world would be a huge win; they won’t be missed. Sansa and him would be saving, hopefully, not just Jeyne Poole but dozens of vulnerable young women from the very clutches of evil itself.

“I can share the workload with you, if you want. You know, go over the details, help out on surveillance, research all that stuff,” Sansa suggested, as she flipped through the pages of the folder Jon had compiled. It had only a couple of handwritten notes with addresses and names along with documents he printed from the flash drive he was given. He was keen to find some kind of link and honestly, two brains were definitely better than one for it.

“Don't you have a job to attend to? I mean, I don't mind the help but I don't think it's fair that I take you away from what pays your bills. If... you do that sort of thing.”

Sansa shrugged. “One of the perks of living with your parents, I guess, is not paying bills and still having a roof over your head. I've got some money saved and since this is my case, I managed to get an expense budget for it. So, that's covered I guess.”

Jon scoffed. Rich people. “And this expense budget... is from your client?”

“I am not at liberty to say but up to you what to believe. All I know is, what we need for this case, is settled and paid for. Nothing is spared.”

Must be nice being rich.

“Well, you don't say, this client could give us a temporary office to work in, no? I mean, I don't mind doing it out if my house but-”

“You're being evicted in less than two weeks. I know. I had some checks done on you, Jon. Safety reasons, I'm sure you know. But granted, it's not ideal, But I think we may have just the place.. I mean, for the time being. Though.. it's going to take some work and I'll brief you on that soon.” Sansa offered as Jon unlocked his apartment door.

“Okay..that’s a first for me. I mean, if it’s no imposition, I-”

“Yeah, it’s totally fine. But hey love to chat but I kinda have to go. Can I take this with me? I'll make you a copy,” Sansa grabbed the folder and walked up to the door, casually glazing over the bit where he was about to be homeless soon. Damn lawyers.

“I was going to pay, you know. It's just that I had to settle other bills first,” Jon explained, though it was futile knowing who he was talking to.

“That's all right. Doesn't make you a bad person. You had priorities, it's understandable. Although if you’re planning on living in your car, I don't think all the boxes in your living room would fit.”

It didn't faze Jon how she had known about him living in his car once upon a hard time and he couldn't agree more. He couldn't exactly afford a storage unit either since the material he had was sensitive and would spell trouble if anything got lost or stolen.

“So, I'll show you the new place? You can come pick up your stuff later this weekend if you want.”

Jon found himself with renewed enthusiasm, relieved that he said yes to the assignment. Whatever tomorrow brings, he'll face it head on, with a swanky new roof over his head. 

Bring it on.

[hailing-stars]

I wrote this fic almost a year ago, one of my first irondad one-shots and my writing has improved so much lmao, but I didn’t have a tumblr back then, so I thought it was worth posting here. also May dates doc ock which happens in the comics but was still uncomfortable to write lol 

summary - something nefarious 

“I didn’t,” he said, then frowned. “I don’t. I’m just… distracted.”

Mr. Stark’s raised eyebrow demanded an answer.

“…Umm,” said Peter. He picked the first non-college thought that popped into his head. “Well Aunt May has this new boyfriend.”

“And you hate him.”

“Well, yeah.”

“Sounds about right,” said Mr. Stark, with a sigh, as Peter checked his phone.

OR

Peter gets beat up by May's new boyfriend, because May's new boyfriend is Doc Ock and Peter is nosey.

Tony just wants to work on a car with his Spidey son and send him to college in one piece.

read on ao3 or after the undercut

Peter stared at the car parts scattered across the floor. He tried to remember enough to start assembling, or to at least make a little bit of progress before Mr. Stark looked away from whatever he was working on and saw no changes were made. It was useless. He couldn’t concentrate. Not on that. Not during that particular moment.

His thoughts belonged elsewhere, anywhere else, actually, but mostly not there. On the car. Completing the car meant completing a lie, or more importantly, led Peter closer to the moment he’d have to confess to Mr. Stark that he wouldn’t be attending MIT in the fall and therefore wouldn’t need this particular graduation present.

Peter had trouble deciding what would upset Mr. Stark more, his choice of school or that attending NYU rendered his gift useless.

“Every college man needs a car,” he had told him, then proceeded to try and rush off to get him a brand-new Audi. Peter’s lucky to have both May and Pepper. They were there to force him into a compromise

.May picked out some rundown car at a junk lot, and Mr. Stark would help him fix it up.

This compromise meant every Saturday that summer belonged to the workshop. He didn’t mind that part. Spending time with Mr. Stark was one of his favorite things to do. Especially there, in the workshop, where new Iron Man suits were born. If Peter were really going away to Massachusetts for school next fall, which he definitely wasn’t, he would miss him, almost as much as May.

The thought crossed his mind that he might end up missing Mr. Stark after all. Peter isn’t completely above pretending to be at MIT while he really hung around New York. It sounded a lot better and like a lot less drama than giving him the bad news.

“You were right,” said Mr. Stark. His voice dripped with sarcasm as he stood over where Peter worked, or pretended to work, on the floor. “Clearly you don’t need my help.”

“I didn’t,” he said, then frowned. “I don’t. I’m just… distracted.”

Mr. Stark’s raised eyebrow demanded an answer.

“…Umm,” said Peter. He picked the first non-college thought that popped into his head. “Well Aunt May has this new boyfriend.”

“And you hate him.”

“Well, yeah.”

“Sounds about right,” said Mr. Stark, with a sigh, as Peter checked his phone.

“Oh shit,” he said, and struggled to get to his feet. He sprinted to the other side of the workshop, grabbed his bookbag from the floor, then sprinted back to Mr. Stark. “I’m going to be late. I’m supposed to be meeting him tonight.”

He waited for the blow to come. A sarcastic comment. An ill-received joke. Peter prepared to defend himself for hating the man without ever meeting him, but the blow never came. This is something that, maybe, Mr. Stark understood, too. Peter didn’t need a reason to dislike any of May’s boyfriends, although he felt like he had plenty from overheard bits of conversations on the phone.

His name was reason enough. Doctor Otto.

Peter looked up once he adjusted the strap of his bookbag, and followed Mr. Stark’s gaze over to the car, if it could even be called a car at that point, sitting in the middle of the room.

“At this rate it’s never gonna be finished by fall.”

“Sorry Mr. Stark,” said Peter. “I’ll come back tomorrow?”

“Nope, tomorrow I’m spending the day with Pepper,” he said, then pointed at him. “Next Saturday I’m helping you, and cut it out with the Mr. Stark, alright? I told you. It’s Tony. You’re an adult now. Use your big boy words.”  

“Sure thing, Mr. Stark.”

Peter was almost out the door when he heard Mr. Stark grumble, “Smartass.”

*

He was, as predicted, late for dinner. He opened the apartment door to one of the most traumatizing sights he’d ever seen in his eighteen years of life. May and Doctor Otto were standing uncomfortably close, but worse of all, they were breaking apart, as if they’d been closer, as if they’d been kissing.

His eyes settled over the man, but Peter’s feet stayed planted in the foyer, letting the door fall shut behind him. Doctor Otto was tall, with dark hair and fit. His button up shirt stuck too close to his skin, but that wasn’t the most unsettling observation Peter made that night. It was the look in his eyes. Possibly, it was the same look Peter gave him as he sized him up, as the both of them were making up their minds about each other there in his aunt’s apartment.

The apartment they used to share with his uncle Ben.

“You must be Peter,” said Otto. He broke out of the kitchen and started across the apartment towards him.

“Obviously.”

Otto looked taken back for a half-second, then quickly recovered and pretended he hadn’t heard the tone. Behind him, May glared and mouthed at him to be nice.

“I’m Otto,” he said. His grip was loose and flimsy, like a fish out of water or a man who’s trying too hard to pretend to be unassuming. Peter knew better than to fall for that. “May told me so much about you.”

“Really?” said Peter. “I haven’t heard very much about you at all actually…”

“Peter,” said May, marching across the kitchen and joining them in the foyer. She stood by Otto, on his side, and hooked her arm through his. “He’s joking.” She looked at Peter. “You’re joking, but the joke’s over now.”

The couple walked back into the kitchen, arms still linked, and Peter swallowed misplaced stomach acid. His feet felt like dead weights as he followed them to the kitchen table. He didn’t know how he would make it through dinner without puking, but he should at least try it. He should at least try to be polite even if Otto made his skin crawl and his stomach turn, just so May wouldn’t kill him once he left. If he ever left.

He looked so comfortable on May’s side of the dinner table, where Ben used to sit, Peter wasn’t so sure they would ever get rid of him.

He stayed polite by keeping his responses as short as possible. He nodded when he could, he forced himself to smile, and occasionally, would make a noise that implied he was paying attention and actually, he was. Otto went on and on about his research with radioactive substances, maybe trying to impress him, but after spending so much time with Mr. Stark, it was hard to be impressed by someone so mediocre.

“I’ve heard you’re pretty into science yourself,” said Otto. There was a stray lasagna noodle hanging on his chin, and Peter had a hard time looking anywhere else. “I’ll have to get your opinion on my work sometime.”

“Oh,” said Peter. He looked down at his plate and pushed a few noodles around with his fork. “I doubt I would have the time for that. I intern for Mr. Stark, and he keeps me pretty busy.”

May narrowed her eyes at Peter, who stared right back. Otto was her boyfriend. It didn’t mean he was obligated to spend time with him.

“I’m sure he does,” said Otto, and Peter smiled for the first time since coming home, enjoying the bit of jealousy laced into his voice.

That night, Peter laid in bed and stared at his ceiling. The more his brain turned and turned and turned with all that talking about radioactive substances, about wanting to work with them, about AIs that would allow him to do it, the more it didn’t sound right. AIs were dangerous in the wrong hands. Peter didn’t think they should be trusted in the same hands that had trouble keeping food on his plate or in his mouth.

He didn’t sleep until he resolved to start an investigation, and to not give it up until he found something so incriminating May would break up with him.

Peter had a simple plan.

He set his alarm early, at least for an otherwise lazy Sunday morning, and stayed in his room. He pretended to be asleep until he heard the shower water running. He slipped out of bed and made his footsteps light as he crept into May’s bedroom. Her phone sat on the nightstand, and once in his hands, it was an easy hack. Something so simple and learned so easily by spending enough time around Mr. Stark, who was quick to teach Peter anything he wanted to know. He scrolled with his thumb until he found Otto’s contact information, grinning when he finally came across what he’d been looking for, an address.

He sent it to his phone, wiped the message history and returned it to its original position on the nightstand.

By the time May came out of the bathroom, Peter sat at the kitchen table, watching YouTube videos on his phone and eating a bowl of cereal. The empty box laid sideways on the table.

“Good morning, May,” he said, as she walked past him.

She headed to the coffee pot, or at least she had started in that direction. She backtracked several steps to stand in the kitchen entryway, observing him with her hands on her hips, until Peter was forced to acknowledge her.

“No.”

“No to what?”

“To whatever you’re up to,” she said. “I know that look, and I know what it means.”

“But I’m not even doing anything.”

“Does what you’re not doing have anything to do with Otto, by any chance?” she asked. Peter blinked at her, and she pulled on her we’re-about-to-have-a-serious-discussion face while she pulled out the chair next to him. “Did you know all those nights you spend going off, having your little Avengers missions, I sit here in this kitchen, by myself, worrying to death about you? Every single time. It never gets less scary, but it always ends the same way. Do you know how?”

“Umm…” said Peter. He had a feeling he knew, but he felt like answering would be walking into a trap.

“With you coming through that door complaining,” she said. “Mr. Stark is so over-protective. He’s paranoid! He won’t let me anything –“

“-My voice isn’t that high.”

“The point,” said May. “Is that you are doing the same thing, with me, now.”

Peter dropped his spoon, and looked at her, really looked at her. She made a good point. He hated that, because this situation was clearly different. Relationships were definitely more dangerous than his missions with the Avengers.

“I miss Ben too, but I have to start dating again sometime, you know?”

“I know,” said Peter. “Does it have to be this guy, though?”

May rolled her eyes, stood up and headed to her beloved coffee pot. “Give him a chance, Peter.”

“Okay.”

It wasn’t a complete lie. Peter would give him a chance, just as soon as he investigated and only if he couldn’t find anything on him. He hoped he would. His aunt deserved someone better than the idiot who talked only about himself all evening with a noodle hanging off his chin.

His investigation started later on that same day.

*

Peter sat cross-legged on the top of Otto’s apartment building while he ate his dinner, a slightly cold sandwich from Delmar’s. He picked it up on the way over, with the intention of being able to eat it when he got home, but this stake-out was taking longer than he expected. It only served to prove Peter’s suspicions. Otto was up to something nefarious. Obviously. There was no other reason for him to be away from his apartment all day long when he told May he was spending the day grocery shopping and doing laundry.

He waited hours on that rooftop, watching the city below him and listening to all its sounds, only to finally tire out and head back home empty handed. Without any evidence. He hadn’t been entirely sure what he expected to find there, anyway.

Peter crawled through his bedroom window, then heard it. He ditched his suit for regular clothes and discovered the reason Otto hadn’t returned home to his apartment. He was here. On the couch with May. Watching a movie with his arm around her.

“Oh hey, Peter,” said May. She paused the movie, and both pairs of eyes stared him down. “I didn’t know you were home. Do you want to watch this with us?”

“He probably doesn’t have the time,” said Otto. It was lighthearted, but it grated at Peter’s nerves.

He dismissed himself. Politely. He could foreign politeness just as well as Otto could pretend to be meek.

Peter paced in his room. Back and forth, back and forth, thinking fast and frantic. He stopped when his thoughts did, when his he lifted his head from staring at the floor and his eyes fell over to his desk drawer. A new idea, like a spark, sent him barreling to his knees in front of the drawer. He yanked it open and searched through it, pulling out papers and graded homework from years before as it did.

But it was useless. They were all gone. A tracker would have been perfect, would have done his job for him, but they weren’t anymore left. Not in his drawer, or in his suit.

There was one more option but asking Mr. Stark for more trackers invited his questions. He collapsed on his bed, realizing he didn’t have much of a choice, and put his scheme against Otto off until Saturday.

It rolled around fast, and Mr. Stark hadn’t been kidding when he told him he’d be helping him this time around. Within five minutes of his arrival at the workshop, the two of them were side-by-side, shoulders nearly touching, face-up underneath the frame of the car. He passed him tools, explained to him what did what, and what to screw and where. It was almost like having a dad again, and it pushed Otto and the tracker to the very back of his brain.

He just wanted to enjoy the moment.

But when there wasn’t May and her boyfriend to worry about, his mind reverted back to worrying over the moment he confessed to Mr. Stark MIT wasn’t happening.

Thinking about not going ached like regret. He wasn’t just disappointing Mr. Stark, but himself. As fall got closer and closer, he realized more and more MIT was the perfect place for him. He didn’t understand how Mr. Stark knew that long before Peter, but none of it mattered. It didn’t change anything. He still couldn’t go.

He already declined the offer, and there were two very good reasons that went into that decision. The first was Queens. His city still needed Spider-Man. The second was more important. He couldn’t leave May. Who else would investigate and stalk her boyfriends, or eat Thai food on the couch while watching trash reality TV?

A nudge on his shoulder broke him out of his thoughts.

“Let’s take a break,” said Mr. Stark. They both scooted out from under the car and sat up. Mr. Stark threw a rag at him. Peter used it immediately, wiping off the black smudges he felt on his cheeks, then his hands. “How’s the situation with May and the new boyfriend?”

“His name is Otto,” said Peter. “He’s a tool.”

“Otto, huh? No wonder why you don’t like him,” Mr. Stark stood and walked over to a stool where his phone sat, leaving Peter to sit on the floor, using his hands as props to support the rest of his body.

Peter stared at the back of Mr. Stark’s head while he strolled through his phone. He figured it was now or never. To ask about those trackers, not for the college confession. He still had a couple of weeks until he would need to disclose that information, and he planned to procrastinate as long as possible. He found his voice, though it wavered when his request was said out loud, causing Mr. Stark to turn around and look away from the phone in his hand.

“Why? What for?”

“To track… someone,” said Peter.

Mr. Stark tilted his head at him. Forget being trapped under buildings. He was eighteen years old and one look from him turned him back into a guilty first-grader. It ruled out the possible scheme of pretending to be in Massachusetts in the fall. He’d never be able to pull that off.

“I got that,” he said. “Who?”

“No one important.”

He made a face like he didn’t believe him but walked away and returned with a handful of the tiny trackers despite his unanswered questions. He passed them to Peter, who had to stand to collect them. He shoved them in the smallest pocket of his bookbag.

“So, what is it this time?” he asked. “Man who thinks he’s a bird? Another lizard guy?”

“Nothing that like.”

He made the same face. It was every bit pinched as it was disbelieving, as if there were questions beating down a wall in his mind. Old Mr. Stark didn’t have that wall. He wouldn’t sat him down and demanded to know exactly what the trackers were used for. New Mr. Stark, who was inspired either by Pepper or a therapist, maybe both, let it go. He asked questions. He pried, but he didn’t stop him from making his own mistakes.

Sometimes Peter missed the old version. He felt less guilty about lying to helicopter Mr. Stark.

“If you’re ever in over your head,” he said. He twirled a screw-driver in his hand. “I’m just a phone call away.”

Peter looked at him, really looked at him and saw the scruff, dirt and grime instead of the billionaire wearing a suit and sunglasses. It was the workshop effect. Everything became a little more real, a little more transparent under the grease and dust, and under the dim lighting, Mr. Stark was just someone who worried too much about the people he loved.

And also, someone who was getting better and better at heaping on the guilt without even trying to do it.

The golden opportunity to put a tracker on Otto presented itself later on that same evening. Him and May were close on the couch, in their usual positions, as Peter stomped through the living room, still covered in the grease and dust of the workshop and swallowing another bout of stomach acid. They didn’t notice him, so he didn’t even try to be discrete when he slipped a tracker inside the seams of Otto’s coat.

He shouldn’t have left it out in the open like that. Just hanging on a kitchen chair.

After that, all he needed to do was wait, and he didn’t even have to do that for very long.

Otto excused himself from their movie night unusually early. As soon as Peter heard the apartment door shut, he pulled his mask on and watched the blue dot which represented Otto move across the map. It didn’t go to the dodgy apartment building where he lived. It went to the labs where he worked. Awfully late to be going to work. Unless that was his angle. To access the lab when the rest of the employees weren’t around and couldn’t see what he was doing.

Only one way to find out.

He suited up and followed the beacon to the labs. He was done pretending to be polite, so slamming through one of the windows and shattering glass everywhere as he tumbled into the building didn’t seem like an imposition. No alarm sounded, either, which was an added bonus.

The last thing he needed was for him to be tipped off about Spider-Man’s arrival.

He followed faint noises to find Otto, and when he got to the room he was in, he crawled up the wall and stuck to the ceiling, watching upside down as Otto maneuvered around the lab, unaware of his presence. Nothing seemed special. Nothing seemed to catch Peter’s eyes, until Otto walked over to a place in the lab he wouldn’t have known to look if he hadn’t gone over there.

He strapped himself into a harness, and from that harness, gained four new arms. Mechanical ones, with claws at the ends of them, and they were snapping. It concerned Peter that all four of them were extending upward, in his direction, but in retrospect it probably should’ve concerned him a little bit more. It just took one sudden movement, one metal tentacle shooting up fast and abrupt inches from where Peter hung to send him somersaulting to the ground.

He stuck the landing with his shoulders stuck out for balance, and looked up, looked into the eyes of Otto Octavius and saw the same something nefarious he saw the first time he met him. Granted, it was hard to take seriously with four mechanical claws floating around and snapping at him.

“What are you supposed to be?” asked Peter. Maybe Mr. Stark wasn’t too far off with his guesses that had to do with animals. “An octopus?”

“Glad you could finally find the time to join me, Peter.”

“Wait, what –“

“You’re really not that great at keeping secrets,” said Otto. His eyes drifted off to the equipment to his left, then back to Peter. “So, I’m sure you’ll understand this isn’t personal. I just can’t have you running off and telling Iron Man about all this.”

It was over before it started. While Peter was busy looking at all the things Otto didn’t want to Mr. Stark to find out about. He didn’t know what they were, or what they did, or why it would mean trouble for him if Iron Man discovered it, but that didn’t stop him from attacking.

Fast and abrupt just like the first time. He managed to dodge the first, but the second caught him in his belly and swatted him against the wall. He crashed to the floor, awkward and ungraceful, and thanks to his upgraded hearing, could hear the bone in his leg snapping before he even felt it. But the pain did come and distracted him from the third metal arm that lifted him up and pinned him against the wall.

It was Otto’s real hands that punched him, hit him hard in the stomach, on the face, but all Peter felt was the pain in his leg. He kept his focus there when the punching stopped, when Otto’s hands came up around his neck and cut off his air supply.

He was about to get killed by a man who couldn’t eat without getting food on his face.

That’s when he heard it. The gloriously familiar sound Iron Man made when he hovered, followed by his voice.

“Get your grubby tentacles off my kid, kraken.”

Peter was dropped to the floor, on his pitifully broken leg, but he felt better than fine. For all the aches and pains, even the stabbing one in his leg, he knew this was a fight that wouldn’t last long, either. There was no stomach acid as he watched Otto attempt to smack Iron Man around with those ridiculous metal arms. Mr. Stark wasn’t distracted, was ready for it and simply blasted him away with his repulsor beam. He flew across the room, crashed into the wall the same way Peter had and thudded to the floor.

Mr. Stark wasn’t done, though, even if Otto was no longer in any condition to fight. He didn’t stop until every single one of the metal arms were disbanded, snapped in half or otherwise disposed, and it isn’t until Otto is knocked unconscious that Mr. Stark lands next to Peter.

“Mr. Ssstark –“ said Peter. “I - I didn’t call.”

“Yeah, well, you’re just lucky you weren’t the only one tracking someone tonight, kid,” he said. He kneeled down next to him. “What’s the damage?”

“Leg’s broken.”

He felt the pain then, all at once, as if saying it out loud made it present. He gasped, and Mr. Stark winced. He turned his head, leveled another glare at Otto, and for a second, Peter thought he might go back over there, kick him while he’s down and unconscious, but the moment passed. Mr. Stark wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulder’s, and very carefully, put his other arm under his legs, eventually scooping him off the ground.

Any energy he usually would have spent protesting being carried is focused towards the pain radiating throughout his body. He shut his eyes and hoped to pass out while they went soaring into the night’s sky.

*

They put him on painkillers.

Mr. Stark’s medical team were quick about that one, and the drugs were fast. They were both speedy and strong. He didn’t remember much about the process of having his leg set and casted, but he did remember voices murmuring up above him. He couldn’t quite hold on to them, but they were talking, amazed, about his healing abilities. It would take just a couple of days for his leg to be back to normal, and less than that for the bruises to disappear.

Until then, however, he was laid up on Mr. Stark’s couch. His leg was propped up, in a blue cast and there were lots of pillows supporting his back, so he could sit up without effort. Everything came back into focus. The blurriness in his head cleared up as the pain started to trickle back in. Then he remembered.

He had just one concern.

“I need to call May,” said Peter, and to his shock, a voice answered back.

“Already done.”

He slowly, carefully, turned his head and saw Mr. Stark in the recliner, staring at him.

“Don’t worry,” he told him. “I broke the news to her about the octopus, too.”

“Is he –“

“-He’s alive,” said Mr. Stark. “Uh, he just won’t be doing very much for a while, and he definitely won’t be calling your aunt back.”

Relief flooded through muscles that should’ve ached. Mission accomplished, but it didn’t feel as good as he thought it would. It sort of sucked, actually. That May started dating again just to get stuck with Otto. That her happiness got delayed again. It only served to reinforce his already made-up about staying in the city for school.

He looked at Mr. Stark. It was the perfect time for the truth about college. While he was drugged out and the consequences didn’t seem as bad, and while he was bruised and broken to the point Mr. Stark would feel guilty if he started to yell.  

“I have to tell you something,” said Peter.

Mr. Stark looked up from his phone and didn’t miss a beat. “I already know you think you’re not going to MIT, Peter.”

Maybe it was still the drugs, but he didn’t quite catch what was said, or at least the implication behind what was said.

“W-what?”

“You’re a terrible liar,” he said. “And I knew you would end up getting cold feet, so I paid someone at the admissions office to keep an eye out for your acceptance status. When you declined, idiot move by the way, I just had the evidence destroyed and sent in the deposit for your first semester instead.”

It was said so simply. As if it were completely normal behavior to employ spies at a university, and as if semesters at MIT were cheap. This was helicopter Mr. Stark. He never really left. He just tried to change during the moments that really mattered, or the ones that didn’t. Peter couldn’t figure out which way it went, but either way, he felt the only appropriate reaction was anger. Only as much anger as the medication would allow, though.

He still felt pretty fuzzy.

“…you can’t just do that,” said Peter. “You can’t just accept on my behalf and force me to go.”

“Sure I can, I already did.” said Mr. Stark. He leaned back in the recliner. “Tell me that you really don’t want to go. Convince me, and I’ll pull my deposit and put it towards a school closer to home.”

Peter didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. He, apparently, wasn’t capable of lying even without the drugs, so he didn’t see a point in trying. All that was left was the truth.

“I can’t leave May, or Queens.”

“Your aunt is more than capable of protecting herself,” said Mr. Stark. “And you know she wouldn’t want you to sit out of college her behalf. She would never forgive herself, and besides, I’ll still be here.”

“Spider-Man –“

“-will take a break.”

Peter didn’t attempt anymore arguments. There wasn’t any Mr. Stark wouldn’t easily counter, and there wasn’t any energy left in him to try it. He was going to MIT in the fall. It was inevitable now, and different, because he could blame Mr. Stark for it every time he felt like it was selfish. It was a better gift than paying his tuition, really. That he could go to the college he wanted and push all the guilt on Mr. Stark for manipulating the situation.

He’d still feel bad about leaving Aunt May, of course, but he figured Mr. Stark was right. She would feel bad if he didn’t go, and he’d end up feeling terrible either way.

The conversation was officially over, so Mr. Stark provided him with more painkillers, a cold-pack for his swelling eyes, a glass of water and a demand for him to get some rest. The pills made him sleep, and when he woke up, he felt better. Still hurt, but better than the night before. Well enough even to get up and try to move around on the crutches.

He found Mr. Stark in the workshop and stopped, sudden and shocked, at the shiny car sitting in the middle of the room.

“Mr. Stark,” said Peter. He leaned on the crutches, putting his full weight there instead of his good leg. “How long was I asleep?”

“Just the night,” said Mr. Stark. “And half the day. Why?”

“What is that?”  

“Your car,” he said. “Don’t you recognize it?”

“No. This… this can’t be the same car.”

The car they’d be working on was rusty and falling apart despite all their effort. This one looked new and fast.

“Maybe I put some custom parts in it,” he said. There were a few seconds of silence. “Maybe I put a lot of custom parts in it.”

“May’s going to flip.”

“She’s not going to be thrilled about those bruises, either, genius, but I figured it’ll be better if we get it over with all at the same time.”

Peter nodded, and Mr. Stark was correct. She wasn’t thrilled with his broken leg, or his black-eyes and bruises. He had returned to the couch in the penthouse living room when she arrived. She sat next to him, looking him over, and apologized.

“I should’ve known,” she said. “I’m so sorry, Peter.”

Hearing her apologize hurt worse than any of his injuries. This one was Peter’s fault. Otto turned out to be crazy only by chance. He only stumbled into some scheme he didn’t even understand, and next time, he knew that wouldn’t be the case. That eventually May would date someone normal, who wasn’t Ben, and he’d have to accept that, from miles away in Massachusetts.

Thanks to Mr. Stark’s meddling he didn’t have much time left in Queens. Just a few weeks.  

“I’m sorry too,” said Peter. “I promise I won’t go all Mr. Stark on you next time you date someone… unless there really is –“

May narrowed her eyes.

“I promise I won’t stalk your next boyfriend.”

“That’s all I can ask for,” said May. She looked around the big, empty living room. “Where’s Tony? He said he had something to show me…”

Peter happily directed her to the workshop, happy for once someone else was in trouble and not him. That he had nothing to do with the under authorized upgrades on his graduation present. He watched her disappeared into the elevator, preferring the couch over front seats to seeing May berate Mr. Stark about the car. He needed the rest to heal, and anyway, he was pretty sure he’d be able to hear the shouting that he knew was coming.

[peaceisadirtyword]

omg i loved it. everything you write is wonderful and Alex has my heart and I love it if you write more about what happened before their meeting.

I put these two together (I hope that’s alright)💖 the first anon is referring to this drabble I posted a few weeks ago. It was an idea I had for a while and I really like it, so I'm glad you wanted more of it!💕 it kinda has the friends with benefits thing so I thought I could make something with these two (second anon: if you want me to write your request completely apart from this, I will, just ask) 

It has a bit of angst, mentions of smut (not very detailed) and really bad writing bc my brain is still recovering from the exams lol

Hope you like it!💕

You could feel his eyes on you. Even at the other side of the club, where he danced and laughed with his friends, he didn't take his eyes off you. 

You smirked every time you saw him staring. It was him who decided you two were just friends... With benefits? But in secret. Everyone could sense the tension between you two, but he was scared that if the both of you started dating, your friendship would be ruined, and it would affect the whole group of friends you had in common. 

And, he confessed, he didn't want anything serious just yet. 

It was fine, you were fine with that. Fooling around with him, having casual sex... All in secret, which only made it even more exciting. 

Though he would have to stop looking at you like that before everyone realized what was going on. 

"I'm going to the toilet" you left your drink on the table, next to your friends. They nodded at you and you caught your best friend's smirk as she looked at you with an eyebrow raised. You winked at her and left. You never told her about this friends with benefits thing, she just knew you and Alex too well. 

You walked next to him, walking just in the middle of his group of friends, standing on a circle, on purpose. Just to tease. He looked at you and took another sip of his beer, clearing his throat. 

Not even two minutes had passed, as you fixed your make up on the mirror, when he entered the bathroom with a big smile. 

"Hello" 

Drunk Alex was your favorite Alex. 

"Hi" you smirked, turning around to face him "This is the ladies' toilet, Alex"

"It's a fucking toilet, it doesn't have a gender, Y/N" he scoffed, annoyed, as he approached you and sneaked his arms around your waist, leaning in to kiss your lips. You giggled into the kiss and your hands caressed his neck.

"Anyway, you should get out before someone else sees you here"

"To be honest, I don't care" he moaned against your neck. You smirked, and let yourself close your eyes and enjoy the feeling of his lips against your neck. 

"Lock the door" you insisted, he sighed and nodded, getting away from you to lock the door, immediately coming  back to you. It was like his hands were glued to your body. 

You sat on the counter, next to the sink, parting your legs so Alex could stand between them, his hands caressing your thighs. 

"You look so beautiful tonight" he muttered, kissing your cheek softly, with his eyes fixed on yours "I mean, you always look stunning, but tonight... This dress" he groaned, crashing his lips against yours. You moaned out loud when you felt his already hard member pressing against your still covered sex. 

"Someone's eager" you giggled, caressing it softly over his jeans. Alex moaned and pressed his forehead against yours. 

"Who wouldn't be, after seeing you dance that way?" He whispered into your ear, biting your earlobe "I promise I want to make you scream my name, take my time with you and hear your moans for hours, Y/N, but now... I can't wait"

"Then..." You grabbed his shirt, pushing his body even closer to yours "Why don't we start the first round now so we can go to your apartment for the second?"

"I like that" he smirked, his fingers already slipping into your underwear "I like that very much"

___________________________________________

The phone ringing woke you up. 

You had been sleeping on Alex's arms, with his soft breathing against your neck, his warmth surrounding you. 

You groaned when the awful sound startled you, and accidentally kicked his leg, making him groan. 

"I'm gonna kill you" you muttered "Turn that off" 

Alex chuckled sleepily into your ear, kissing your cheek before turning around to take the phone. 

"Hello?" He asked. His voice was hoarse and it made you bit your lip and look at him with narrowed eyes.

Suddenly, he stood up, widening his eyes and running his free hand through his hair repeatedly. 

"What? Like... Are you serious?" 

He started pacing around the room, wearing only his boxers. You sat on the bed, frowning as your eyes followed him. 

"I... Wow" he smiled, rubbing his eyes in disbelief "God, this is... This is amazing!" He laughed in pure joy, his beautiful eyes were full of happiness "Thank you, thank you so much..." He rubbed his face "I... I need... Can I call you back?... Nice, thank you" 

He hung up, throwing his phone to the bed and laughing as he looked at you. 

"What happened?" You asked with a small smile on your lips. His smile was contagious. 

"Remember that casting I did? The one for Vikings" he kneeled on the bed next to you.

"Yes, I remember, what...?"

"I got the role, Y/N" his eyes fixed on yours "I got the fucking role, I'm in, I'm going to play a main character"

You widened your eyes, your lips curving on a big smile. 

"I knew you would!" You giggled, hugging him tightly. Alex hugged you back, chuckling softly against your neck "You're amazing, see? I told you"

"I can't believe it" he muttered "This is what I've wanted my whole life, Y/N" 

"I know" you moved to look at him on the face, cupping his cheek with a smile "I'm so proud of you, Alex, I truly am"

"Thank you" his smile faltered then, and you frowned "I just... I have to leave Denmark" 

You sighed. You did think about that, more than once. Being one of Alex's closest friends, you helped him to prepare the auditions, you watched the show with him -well, in part because you had a huge crush on Travis Fimmel- and you were always there, supporting him. He had the talent, obviously, and you were more than sure that he'd get the part. 

But yes, he had to leave Denmark.

"Denmark will still be here when you come back" you tried to smile again "And so will we, your friends, your family... We'll be here waiting for you when you come back, being all famous and professional"

"Yes but... I will... Be alone there" he frowned. 

"Alex, trust me, you will not be alone" you chuckled softly "You'll make friends, good friends, with the rest of the cast, you're not the only newbie in there, I'm sure, and we'll go to visit you!" 

He then bit his lip, looking away from you. 

"This is... This is big..." He took a deep breath "I don't know if I can..."

"You can" you tried to make him look at you again "You have the talent, take this as a master class on acting. They chose you because they saw something in you that they didn't see in the others"

Alex opened his mouth to speak, but didn't say anything. 

Come with me. 

He wanted to scream at you that he didn't want to be there all alone, that he needed someone, someone like you, who was there supporting him, with comforting words and warm kisses. 

But he couldn't ask you to leave everything; your work, your classes, your entire life... Just for him. 

And we're only friends. 

With benefits, yes, but just friends. 

"I..." He almost said it "I... Thank you, Y/N, for everything" he smiled softly "You're... A really good friend"

You tried not to look too disappointed, a sad smile curved your lips as your heart broke a bit more when you realized that's all you were for him; a really good friend. 

Yes, you could fuck, make out and sleep together in secret. But no one said anything about love, right? You would never take his hand while walking down the street, or kiss him lovingly, or hear an I love you on your ear just before falling asleep. You'd never have dates and all that romantic shit. He'd find someone and he'd fall in love, and you'd stop seeing each other in secret, and that's all you'd be, a really good friend.

"You don't have to thank me" you muttered, your eyes fixed on the duvet that covered your legs "I'm just doing what friends do, right?"

Alex nodded, with a forced smile on his face. 

"I should call them back" he rubbed his neck, standing up.

"Yeah" you cleared your throat "You should".

_________________________________________

Usually, you loved airports. You loved traveling with friends and taking planes that would take you far away. But that day the mere sight of the airport made your stomach turn. 

It was the most difficult goodbye of your life. Especially because you could only hug him for ten seconds in front of his friends and family. You always knew this moment would happen; him going away to work as an actor. But you had always hoped you could say goodbye with a kiss, a smile and an I love you, I'll miss you. 

But you only got to say: 'Good luck' and shot him a wide smile before he went to hug his mother. 

I'll call you tonight. He had promised into your ear when you got away from him. 

He didn't call you. Not that night, nor ever. He didn't reply to your messages and he cut all communication with you. You thought maybe he was like that with everyone. Maybe he's going through a rough time, maybe he doesn't want to talk to anyone. 

But it was you. Only you. He did video calls with everyone else, texted them daily and even invited them to Ireland. And he left you heartbroken, not really understanding what you did wrong.

Only when he came back, the first time, he texted you. Should we meet up?

You didn't answer. What could you possibly answer to that? After months ignoring you, he couldn't really expect you'd be there waiting for him, right? 

You had started to see someone else, though, someone you ended up dating for two years. And everything went well, and you thought you had everything under control four years later, when he came back and stayed. 

Until that first time you saw him, when everything started falling apart again. 

___________________________________________

Tags: @mblaqgi @alicedopey @lol-haha-joke @naaladareia @tephi101 @captstefanbrandt @love-hate-love @titty-teetee @readsalot73 @moondustmemories @thevikingsheaux @therealcalicali @chimera4plums @blushingskywalker @awkwardfangirl02 @credulouskhaleesi @gruffle1 @justacripple @heartbeats-wildly @inforapound @winchesterwife27 @hecohansen31 @xinyourdreamsx @funmadnessandbadassvikings @tgrrose @jadelynlace @flokidottirsstuff 

[lovemesomesurveys]

Are you still in quarantine/under stay at home order? (if you're taking this during Covid-19, that is) The state isn’t, but I am. 

Has stuff been opening back up where you are? Yeah. Although, now dining in isn’t an option again in my area. 

What have you missed most that you haven't been able to do due to Covid-19? I didn’t do much even before all this, but I did like going grocery shopping with my mom and going to the movies, which we did quite often. And now with it being summer I’m really sad I can’t go to the beach. Beach days were the only thing I liked about summer. I could still go shopping with my mom and go to the beach, but I just don’t feel safe or comfortable going out in public and being around people right now when the number of cases are still so high and continue to rise. It makes me extremely anxious and scared. It doesn’t help that my state is a hotspot.

What state do you live in?  California.

Do you personally know anyone who has had Covid-19? Yes. She actually ended up recovering from that, testing negative later on, but she died recently from complications caused by it. She was on dialysis and after she got sick, even though she got better, it affected her kidneys and she had to stop dialysis. Once that happens, it’s not long after that you pass away. She was my grandma’s best friend, thus a very close family friend. :( She was the sweetest, caring, kindhearted person. 

Have you had it? (or think you might have?) No, not so far. Although, whenever I feel crappy or cough for any reason my mind automatically goes there. It’s not unusual for me not to feel well and have days where I’m feeling extra crappy, but nowadays I have to play the game: is it my normally crappiness or something else? :/ I also have dry mouth and my throat tends to get dry in the summer anyway and ugh again it’s something normal for me but I have to wonder about that, too.

Do you know anyone who is a healthcare worker? No. Well, apart from my doctors obviously.

Have you still been working these past few months or not? I don’t have a job. I wasn’t working prior to this either.

If you weren't working, are you still in school? No, thankfully. I graduated UC 5 years ago, so I’ve been done way before this started. What is/was your major in college?  I majored in psych.

Or if you're not in college yet, what do you want to study?

If your school closed due to Covid-19, do you miss it?

What are you most excited about when life goes (somewhat) back to normal? It’s hard for me to even see that point right now. I know people think I sound like a Negative Nancy, but I think I’m just being real. It’s goings to be a long time before we get to a point where we don’t have to have this virus looming over our heads everyday. It’s been kicking our ass. It’s never going to go away, it will likely be like the flu in that we have a covid season, but I pray we get to the point where we can get under control and managed. A point where there’s a vaccine and effective medication. But like I said, that’s going to take time. Masks may be the new way of life for many of us.

Did Covid-19 impact any major plans you had for this spring/summer?  No beach trips or birthday vacay. :( That’s not important, I know, but I am still sad about it.

Do you collect anything? Key chains and giraffe stuffed animals and knicknacks.

What's the name of your favorite restaurant? (chain or local) Wingstop. 

What is your favorite thing to order when you eat there? I get takeout, but anyway I love their boneless garlic parm and lemon pepper wings with their ranch. 

Have you still been able to get food from there during Covid-19? Yes. I always got takeout anyway, so that hasn’t been any different for me.

Are you planning on eating there anytime soon when they reopen? I’ll say it a 3rd time haha I just get it to go and eat at home.

Have you discovered any good new music during quarantine?  Yeah, but not because I’m in quarantine. That implies I’ve done so because I’ve been home and had more time to do so or only did so because I didn’t have anything to do. I’ve spent most of my time at home the past few years, not just this year.

What's a new song you've been loving lately? (not necessarily newly released, just something you've recently discovered) Lately I’ve been getting new music from TikToks. A couple recent ones are Dream Girl by Ir Sais and Summer Days by Martin Garrix ft. Macklemore and Patrick Stump.

Have you been able to keep in touch with friends during this time? I don’t have any friends, so that hasn’t been an issue. 

What is your favorite Starbucks drink? White chocolate mocha, caramel macchiato, and their fall and winter seasonal drinks. 

Do you prefer Starbucks or a local coffee shop? Just give me coffeeee.

What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid? do you still ever watch it? I had a lot of favorites. Some I still watch like Boy Meets World, Full House, Family Matters, Disney Channel shows like That’s So Raven, Lizzie McGuire, The Proud Family, Hannah Montana, etc (thanks to Disney+) and old Nick shows like Rugrats, Doug, and Hey Arnold. I recently found out Hulu has Step by Step, so I’ll be watching that again at some point.

Have you been watching a lot of movies during quarantine? >> No more than I would be usually, since my daily life didn’t change as dramatically as most people’s did. But yeah. <<< Yeah, I’ve gotten into a few new shows and binge watched a few old ones during this time, but again I wouldn’t contribute that to quarantine cause I would have been home majority of the time still anyway.

What is your favorite Disney movie? Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, and Toy Story are among the top

Do you have Disney plus? Yep. That’s how I watch those old Disney shows I mentioned before.

Are you a fan of Hamilton? I’ve never seen it.

Are you planning to watch Hamilton on Disney plus? I have thought about checking it out, so we’ll see.

Have you seen Hamilton live? (Broadway or elsewhere) Like I said, I’ve never seen it.

What is your favorite musical? Sweeney Todd.

Have you watched any musicals online recently? No. Or ever.

What was the last live performance you went to before quarantine? I saw Phantom of the Opera 3 years ago.

What was the best concert you've ever been to? All the concerts I went to were awesome. Man, it’s been over 10 years now since my last concert I really miss ‘em.

Do you volunteer anywhere? No. I’ve volunteered at a few places in the past, though.

What is your favorite movie on Netflix? >> ??? There are... so many movies on Netflix. <<<

Did you relocate due to Covid-19? No.

What is one positive thing about the past few months for you? Uhhh.

Do you prefer streaming music or buying it? I stream it.

Do you use Spotify? Yep.

What was the last book you read? I recently started The Girl and the Deadly End by AJ Rivers. It’s the final book in a 7 book series. 

Have you been baking during quarantine? Nope.

What is your favorite thing to bake? It’s been a few years since I’ve done any baking. I used to love it during the holidays.

Do you enjoy doing crafts? I think they can be fun, but they’re not something I do very often at all. I lack the artistic ability, creativity, inspiration, motivation, and energy. 

Have you ever done crafts for money? No. 

Do you shop on Etsy? Yes. I love Etsy.

Have you ever sold anything on Etsy? Nope.

What song are you listening to right now?  I’m not listening to music, I’m listening to an ASMR video.

What genre of music is your favorite? I like a variety of music.

Can you speak any foreign languages? Not fluently, but I know some Spanish.

What is/was your favorite class in school? I always enjoyed English and then later on in college I enjoyed most of my psych classes as well. 

Who was your favorite teacher most recently? I’ve been done with school for 5 years now.

What is the lock screen and home screen on your phone? The lock screen is a photo of the ocean with a Bible verse on it and my home screen is a rose gold background.

Do you play Animal Crossing? Yeppp. 

Do you have any pets? What kind? What is/are your pet(s) name(s)? I have a 3 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. <3

what is a song lyric you love? >> Right, I’m definitely not going to think of that off the top of my head right now. <<< Haha, right. Not to mention, I have a ton of favorite lyrics.

Have you done anything recently to support Black Lives Matter? I’ve signed petitions.

Are there any songs you feel transport you to a world that doesn't exist? Jason Mraz songs were kinda like that. Haha. It seemed like he lived in some whimsical fantasyland.

What songs do that for you? “but my breath fogged up glass, and so I drew a new face and I laughed” lol okay Jason Mraz. Haha that’s the only thing coming to mind right now. It’s almost 7AM okay I can’t think.

What is your favorite ethnicity/cuisine of food? Italian.

What are some popular things that you don't like/aren't interested in? Hmm. What’s even popular right now? I’m out of the loop.

When was the last time you got a haircut? Back in February.

What was the last movie (or musical) you watched? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off the other day.

What was the last movie you saw in the theatre? The Invisible Man.

How soon are you planning on going back to work? (If you've been off) I don’t have a job, remember?

What is an item you own that means a lot to you? I’ll always cherish my giraffe stuffed animals and knickknacks.

Do you have a favorite t-shirt? All of my graphic tees.

What other proshot musicals would you love to see streaming online? You sure love musicals. I like a few musicals, sure, but I’m not super into them like you seem to be. There aren’t any right now that I want to see that I can think of. Well, apart from maybe checking out Hamilton. What is something you're looking forward to? Summer being over.

How do you plan on celebrating Covid-19 being over, whenever that is? >> The problem with this idea is that... it’s not that simple? From what I understand, it’s not like one day we’re all gonna say “that’s it! we’ve officially eradicated this virus from the earth and we will never have to worry about it again!” I’m guessing it’s going to be a slow process of reopening with a lot of false starts and rollbacks (as new waves crest and protective measures have to be re-implemented). Even that first day that I go out to a restaurant is probably going to feel really weird and even a little “wrong”. I’m not sure how much celebrating is really going to be happening. <<< All of this. Like I said earlier, it’s not ever going completely go away or be over. We’ll hopefully get it under control at some point and find an effective vaccine and medications and not have the fear of it constantly looming over us, but we got a long way to go.  And when that does happen, I’ll still be cautious. It’s sure going to feel weird when I do feel comfortable to go out again, though. It felt so weird just going outside for a bit recently one night cause it was the first time I had been out of the house at all since my doctor appointment back in May. That was really weird and scary for me. Prior to that I hadn’t gone anywhere since early March. Sooo yeah. I clearly won’t be rushing out anywhere anytime soon.

[intheheartofthematter]

TFBM "Lioness" (Source: Flickr/ exodus-travels)

Photo by Gramps, Nov ‘68, 4th birthday, Knott’s Berry Farm... Knott’s first every visit for little cars, farm animals, horse rides.

TFBM 2016 “Happy Birthday, Dad! I love and miss you! (I sang Happy Birthday, too) First birthday since...” ❤️

TFBM 2013 (Three months after my grandpa died, his dad) “Today is my Dad's birthday. I called him and he's really sick again, and sounds so depressed. He says he's getting old and he's so tired of being in pain and stuck in a wheelchair and in a nursing home. He doesn't want me to visit him today, but said maybe tomorrow. As usual, he let me go quickly, said he needed his pain shot and then said, I love you, through tears, almost sobs and hung up. It's so hard and I don't know what else I can do for him. I just needed to say something, think out loud.”

TFBM 2014 (Bill Eppridge—LIFE Picture Collection) “In late 1968, not long after famously capturing Robert Kennedy's assassination, Bill Eppridge spent two healing months among wild horses in the fabled landscape of the American West.”

This share is not about the main lyrics...

Sent to me shortly before he died, ‘So you won’t forget me’ I never could. I will remember you throughout eternity! ❤️

A couple of my Grandpa’s late years ‘wild horses’ paintings  *card size prints in an album

Tonight! Tuesday Tuck In

One tradition passed down from my grandparents & dad💕 My baby at Knott’s riding horses there like me when little. And, just like me, didn’t want to get off when time was up.

Currently watching...

I’m hoping to find photos showing how different Knott’s was when I was little. I’d like to point out my favorite memories. The farm animals area had a mascot dog, Queenie, who was always a tail-wagging greeter. She was the first one I wanted to go see and hug and get face-licks from. Just like Lassie, they were brilliant in naming each same breed dog Queenie over the years, when one would pass. Later, Knott’s Scary Farm and Knott’s Merry Farm came into existence. T likes to go to the Halloween Haunt every year. I used to go all the time, too. Since my birthday is just two days after Halloween it’s usually celebrated in some Halloween combination. I remember when I went to Knott’s Scary Farm with my friends for my 16th birthday and I couldn’t wait to visit the farm. “Farm?” Yeah, it’s still here although not a main attraction now. I went home with a Red Satin bunny. I named her Pumpkin. 

An oil painting by my grandpa. A couple of detail shots... 

I couldn’t avoid the lighting on it in my room... 

I have a small oil painting of cats, given to me when I was a little girl, and three of his pen etchings; a fox, a rabbit, and my favorite of a tree. I also have two paintings of flowers I asked for. All used to be up on the walls in my homes. T has a few of them in my stored belongings at their place, as well as my piano. I hope they don’t get damaged at any point. There’s a sad story about a lot of my grandfather’s work, and who has them, who avoided me after the funeral. My family out there say they will try to figure out a way to get them back, but I know they won’t, or can’t. This woman is wealthy and thinks she’s entitled. Anyway, it’s not important. My family who have paintings of his offered them to me, to take them down off of their walls (of course I couldn’t take them)... this woman avoided me at all costs, with several excuses, until I had to leave. I don’t know why they’re so important to her! Anyway, this painting was one that my dad loved. He had it hanging in his homes for years. When he became paralyzed, he pleaded with the doctors to let him go home again. Once he pushed through physical therapy and proved he was strong enough to do it, they released him. But, sadly, his roommate came home one day to a tipped over wheelchair, blood (and more) all over the walls and floor, and my dad missing. Thankfully, a neighbor heard him cry out and called an ambulance. We had no idea which hospital he was taken to. By the time I found him, walking into the ER room sectionals, the nurse across the way told the others, his DR says he’s DNR. I looked over and saw that it was my dad... too many details to tell it all, but I said, “No he’s not! Resuscitate him right now!” Who are you? - His daughter. What doctor said that? He’s fired. And I had her call my dad’s Internal Medicine doctor, who agreed to become his primary doctor. Too many details, but even after all that happened, they didn’t insert the tube correctly, and I pointed that out, because they were saying it was useless that he was going to die. So, they rushed him to x-ray and found out I was right, and corrected it. Everything was a nightmare. There’s so much more. He had a raging staph infection. His skin was discolored throughout his entire body, looking leopard-like. They said he wouldn’t recover from it... just like when they wanted me to pull the plug and he fully recovered. It goes on and on... too much to think about, really. But, that’s when the doctor did the dirty work for me and told him that he had to go back to a nursing home. Anyway, this painting, and some of my dad’s other belongings (when I moved him out of that house with his roommate), was kept in the warehouse where I worked. When I finally got my piano and the other stuff out of there only a few years ago, I planned to bring this painting to my dad and hang it in his room at the home. He was looking forward to it, but then his health took a turn, and he died before I could bring it to him. So, it’s been sitting in my room since... painting side against the wall, to protect it, braced by other things. If I could get my own place, I would hang them all again. I think at this point, we’re stuck here until spring, losing more money to rent, medical, meds and all in the meantime. I just hope that nothing changes by spring and we can still make this happen before I won’t be able to contribute anything or do for myself in that way. We’ll see 🙏🏻

Oh! I almost forgot! Look what I came across yesterday: baby...

I noticed my photos program created this video this August. It’s mostly of Aiden (T’s Make-A-Wish kitty) one of the last times when he was real sick, and I’m also trying to connect on Skype with T for him in the video, lol... It helped him a lot. We finally managed to get through to each other. They Skyped daily a few times... he was anticipating it in the one shot. It was awful how he died. Just like my dad. Neither should have gone through what they did. I can’t let that happen to Marozi. Everyone needs to brace themselves soon. Neither my aunt or T are ready to have him put down, and I talk about it all the time, but both keep saying he’s better in between... For what? Half a day? Anyway, dreading it, too. But I can’t experience more like that. I just can’t. It’s too much for me. I’ve seen and been through too much already. The flashbacks of both of them are hard. And, not just of them... of the children I watched die in the hospital, of all of the medical stuff I saw with my kid, my dad, Alex, others and my beloved animals, too. I just can’t. But, here’s the video... strange... the music doesn’t fit either. And, although Aiden looks awful in these photos, it’s not so bad that I wince and cringe and feel that deep emotional pain. Just sharing to get it out, I guess: 

Currently watching, The Last Airbender, on our new 55″ TV. Not bad. Theater sound. Our old TV went out two days ago. Waiting to hear if T & Alexandria are coming over for AHS. I have the house to myself for a few hours. Relaxing now... Trying to get my symptoms to calm down. Hours late on meds. Still can’t go without them. I guess I need Prednisone this time. I don’t think life will ever be easy for me. Ever. Nothing new.  I have to accept that, and have, and will. (Wed. 1:45pm)

(Art by willow-s-linda) - 9/26/19 2:18-2:42pm

Oh! You want to know what’s happening...

Well, T & Alexandria came over last night, but didn’t stay as late as usual. In part because my brother had to drive them home and needed to get up early today because he went to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights. It must be nice to receive disability and health insurance and spend most of your time watching TV or playing video games or constantly going to amusement parks... Bitter, who me? And, I wasn’t feeling well, with my head foggy, so I didn’t feel like talking about any plans or progress on their part and they didn’t bring it up either. But, today, feeling worse I wrote to T. No response yet, but classes and work, etc. I’ll just paste screenshots. I left one little part out that is a little too personal to disclose publicly. Even if no response really, just knowing someone cares and listens is comforting (and I might delete a few later, but leave one that gives the gist for reference remembrance). I have to fwd them to be able to add here. I need a few. OK, here we go:

Maybe I said too much and it will just be skimmed again. But, I text, sent a detailed email before, and talk in person when I see them when I can and it doesn’t seem like I’m getting through to them. T tends to go into denial about the seriousness of a lot of things. I think it’s a coping mechanism. Like with Aiden and Marozi. Anyway, I noticed a few typos, too. Whatever. And, I typed loops instead of hoops (make you go through), but it feels more like loops, so it’s fitting, lol. I’m propped up in the living room chair with my support cushions and pillows, since my brother’s not here to take over the chair, and just made myself Double Spice Chai in my Stitch mug, and hope to find a movie to distract myself with for the time being. Hope your day is going smoothly! :)

Currently watching. Nothing else on...  Previously known in person, but I’ll take it as a refresher on these types.

TFBM (Source: thinned-skin via -thefixisin)

New listing townhouse. I went ahead and sent the link, saying that if we could get a different lender and a little more offered (not much more) this would be ideal. Coupled with my subtle joke, the funny part was in the real estate wording, trying to make it sound like an automatic chair was a big selling point: “What a deal!’’ (I don’t think they thought it was funny.)

Hard to see, but the stair chair is to the right, top of stairs.

TFBM

Peppermint tea and lights off, darkening blinds closed, diffusing a mix of Frankincense, Eucalyptus and Rosemary for the first hour. Next, I’ll add Peppermint and Lavender. The baby wants in with me so bad. He keeps rattling the doorknob and meowing in such a sorrowful way. He leaves and then comes back. It’s mid-afternoon. He can cat nap on the cat tree.

Putin will try a few scare tactics, through his cronies, but will let it go, not really caring. He has other tactics to gain his end, but I don’t think he realizes just how outdated most are, lol. It’s kind of funny to watch. But, on the serious side, it’s scary. 

Frankincense, Eucalyptus, Rosemary, Peppermint and Lavender is an odd combination. I’m mostly smelling the Frankincense and Eucalyptus now. The others must have brought out those two to the forefront. Frankincense helps boost the immune system and reduces inflammation. Eucalyptus stimulates the immune system, relaxes sore muscles, helps with depression and fatigue, sinus and allergies, and mental exhaustion; per science.

Chewbacca (Source: aleriydraws)

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

And Saved

Just a gist :)

#FBF This goes with the Knott’s stuff (Camp Snoopy)

WAIT! Something’s happening behind the scenes, like... I hear whispers and see many faces and finger pointing... what is it? WHAT IS IT? This pinned tweet is a distraction, a place holder, something people will stay with mentally, his signal to the alt right? I can’t tell. It’s a signal but for what? To who? Something’s going on. I hope it’s not something devastating. Stay vigilant whoever you are. I need to tune in, focus to see. WTH Trump? (Fri 9/27 8:45 pm)

ahem

I’m using this song to help focus...

Yes, I can. You underestimate me. Give it to me. IT, explosion, something missing. OK, blocking with energy. 

I Am Lion

+ Still no response from T even after I wrote again today...  I gave them a percentage of the original lender offer to deposit into their savings account to show we had at least that much for a down payment. Since it’s taking so long and doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen I’ve repeatedly told them both I need that money back to either use to afford moving/living expenses on my own, or medical if I’m without insurance much longer (part of the reason to move out of state), or to redeposit into the account it came from before the end of the year, if we move but not until spring, so I don’t get penalized for taking out too much this year without investment or proof of other mentioned.

Lemongrass tx alone right now, might add a few others. 

Cliff Burton has a few things to say in my last personal post. I’ll be adding them soon… lending his energy. Thanks for reminding me Faith No More. And, get well, James… I’ll be with you soon in energy. too. You’ve been through enough. And you’ve remained one of the nicest guys I know. Remember. (Yeah, I sound crazy. Who cares. I know what I’m doing.) Here’s this for now, live footage, from “Ride The Lightning” =

For Whom the Bell Tolls (9/28 4:24)

(5:23) Are you listening to the bass too?

Orion

The Call of Ktulu

The Four Horsemen

And, what do you know... I got a response, finally. It looks like I possibly can get insurance through them. Will be checking out the link sent to me soon. Fingers crossed.

Lemongrass tx, now with Teatree, Lavender & Cedarwood too.

OK, I’ll admit it, I’m slow because I haven’t been feeling well. We got part of it figured out... I used a “green” light, “green” in the Metallica song... money is “green”... Trump is suddenly receiving a lot of money, so they say... a golf course is “green”. IT, Intelligence Test, [What is an IT raid? IDK] (IT, Institute of Technology; IT, In Training...) Thank God for energy in the meantime... still need more.

Ohhh!!! IT, Income Tax [raid]. “Green” is money, and sudden donations, tax evasion… Trump! OK, we’ve gotten a little farther… oh, this is good. OK, golf resorts are “green”, too. Whispering on the “green”. Those who can do are you listening? Do the math… you’ve got this! There’s more. I’ll keep on, too.

I keep getting Moscow. Not Russia. Not Putin. Moscow. I don’t understand.

Even though T gave me info, and said they could give me the money back, nothing more was said. I told T to hang onto it for now and explained no rush, but by mid December at latest to redeposit if we don’t move before spring or if I need it sooner for medical expenses. Asked what they’re thinking at this point and an important question to be able to get the insurance too. I think they’re upset with me. But, come on... I’ve been more than fair and patient until now, when I have pressing matters. It’s sad and sucks. Everything.

[buckys-other-punk]

Say (All I Need) Jealous Part 6.1

Bucky x Reader, (slight) Steve x Reader

Warnings: angst (if you call it that), jealousy, cuss words, mentions of smut (not really but ehh) and idk what else

Word Count: 3806 (w/o lyrics)

Song inspiration: “Say (All I Need)” One Republic (wow finally not a NJ song) I also re-ordered the lyrics to make it flow better with the story.

A/N: Finally Part 6! I liked @lostinthoughtsandfeelings’ comment where she suggested to show a bit more backstory of how the reader chose Bucky over Steve and why (kinda..not really sorry). So part 6 is gonna have 2 parts as you can tell from the title. This part is the Reader’s POV and the second is going to be Steve’s. Don’t mind any of my mistakes this took a while to write and I really don’t wanna look over this lol. If you wanna be tagged let me know and feedback is very much appreciated! Hope its good and you guys like it!

Tags: @caplansteverogers @hollycornish @carabarnes13@ohmyjack @sebtheromanianprince @flirtswithdanger @aquabrie @amour-quinn @incoherent-smiles-deactivated @rocketqueeens @anbrax5553 @lloeppky @shayla-markele @pdy93 @chrys-1029 @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @dani-si @httpmcrvel @101killer @sarahp879

tags with this means they didn’t work sorry :(

=============================================== *Flashback to 5 years ago*

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

You and Bucky have been dating for about 3 months now. Nothing that serious you thought, since your relationship with Bucky was still fresh…well besides the 24 hour sex. You’ve been working on a mission with Nat and Clint for about a month and just arrived back to the tower. Bucky was with Bruce to make improvements for his arm.

“Hey F.R.I.D.A.Y., Do you know where Bucky is?” you asked aloud.

“Yes Ms. (Y/L/N), Bucky is in the lab with Dr. Banner. Would you like me yo summon him for you?” F.R.I.D.A.Y asked.

“No it’s fine F.R.I.D.A.Y. I’ll just go there.” you replied. As you walked near the lab you heard voices talking. Entering the lab Bucky was on an exam table and Bruce looking over his metal arm. They were video chatting with Tony about whatever. Tony was the first to notice you entrance.

“Agent (Y/L/N).” Tony said calmly looking your way. The other two both turned in your direction.

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You’re doing your best dance,

Your best look

You’re praying that you make it

“(Y/N), I have to talk to you.” Bucky said sternly. You were taken back by his tone and your small smile went away. You nodded as he directed you to the living room area.

“What’s wrong Bucky? You’re scaring me.” you said quietly.

“I have to go on a mission (Y/N).” he said sadly.

“Ok, how long are you going to be gone for?” you asked.

“That’s the thing, (Y/N). Umm…I’m going to be gone for 9 months.” he paused. “Tony said he wanted me and Banner to go with him to England to get some leads on HYDRA.”

“Well, why can’t I go with you guys?” you asked.

“I’m sorry (Y/N). Tony said he just wanted us three to go.” he sighed. “(Y/N), I don’t know if I could do a long distance relationship. I know we’ve been dating for 3 months and it has been great, but…” Bucky hesitated, “I think we just need a break.” he avoided eye contact through his whole plea. “I’m sorry, (Y/N). I gotta get packing.” he sighed as he rushed out of the lab.

Well, bless my soul

You’re a lonely soul

‘Cause you won’t let go

Of anything you hold

Bucky began to pack up for the mission. He felt guilty for putting an end to your guys’ relationship. When he finished packing up his stuff and exited his room. As he began to walk away from his room he passed your door. He set down his suitcase and stood at the closed door. He looked a the door and raised his hand about to knock. He paused and though “Maybe she’s mad at me…I shouldn’t say anything to hurt her even more.” He stepped away from your door and began to walk towards the elevators.

Meanwhile, you sat in your room thinking as tears began to fall down your face. “Why the hell are you feeling sad (Y/N). It was bound to happen. You are a strong independent woman, fuck him for ending your relationship.” you said to yourself as you took a deep breath and wiped away the tears. You exited your room seeing the elevator doors close.

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest my head

About 2 months Bucky left you were trying to forget about the whole breakup situation and trained to keep your mind out of the gutter. You were throwing punches at a punching bag while Sam held the back of it to keep it from moving around.

“So, (Y/N) I heard you are single again.” he said with a devilish smirk. You happily scoffed at his remark and nodded yes. “I was wondering if you wanna go out sometime?” he asked.

“I’m very flattered Sam, but I’m just trying to recover and find myself.” you said kindly. He nodded understanding and his shoulder slumped a bit. “But hey, we could go and get a drink sometime. Maybe find you a girl.” you said winking at Sam.

He laughed. “Yeah, I like that. Hey who knows you could probably be a better wingman than Steve and Bucky combined. I mean your a woman and you know how other women think.” he said happily. You both finished your training and began to exit the gym. As you left you waved Sam goodbye as you headed to the kitchen to get a snack. When you walked into the kitchen Steve was there making breakfast. It looked like he just came back from a jog.

“Hey soldier. What you making there?” you asked Steve. He turned around smiling at you showing you his breakfast.

“Hey (Y/N), oh, I uh got some fruit from the farmers market that’s near here and decided they would go good with some yogurt. I still got some leftover fruits. You want me to make you some?” he asked you politely.

You shook your head no and said “Nah, its fine I’ll just take some of yours.” You smiled as you got a spoon and dipped it into his yogurt bowl. He looked at you in shock like you kicked a innocent dog or cat. You were always super friendly with Steve. You also sorta kinda had a small crush on him when you first started working with the Avengers, but your crush on him dialed down when you began to date Bucky. Now that Bucky ended his relationship a few months ago you’ve began to notice how kind Steve was to you. As you ate your spoonful of yogurt and fruit Steve copied you and began to eat.

“So, (Y/N), how was training with Sam?” he asked you.

You chuckled and said “He’s ok, but I think I’m gonna ask Nat to spar with me again. I feel bad for kicking Sam’s ass for the past couple of days.”

“Well, I’m kinda glad I get my jogging buddy back.” he laughed. You chuckled at his comment and put your spoon in the sink. “You know I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. I feel like I never see you during the day, you’re always so busy.” he said as you walked to the fridge to get a bottle of water.

“Yeah, I’d like that Steve.” you said smiling.

Well, bless my soul

You’re a lonely soul

'Cause you won’t let go

Of anything you hold

*Later that evening*

You walked up to Steve’s room and knocked on his door. He opened his door slightly and realizing that it was you he open his door wide. “(Y/N)? What are you doing here?” he asked you and looking at what you were wearing. “What are you wearing? I-I mean it’s beautiful and you look gorgeous and-” you cut Steve off by holding you hand up.

“Steve, you said you wanted to go out…So why not now? We could go get some food from that one fancy restaurant that Tony always bugs us all about. I also swiped Tony’s mastercard from him before he left.” you said with a smile. Steve chuckled at your comment and motioned for you to enter his room.

“I’ll get dressed. You can wait in here.” he said. You looked around his room and everything was tidy and clean. Walking to his desk and seeing a small notepad with a list of things. As you read over the list you smiled taking note that one day you would binge watch Star Wars with Steve. Steve came out of his bathroom with his matching navy blue suit. You stared at Steve for what felt like the longest time. “Is this ok?” he asked you shyly.

“Oh my god! Steve you look awesome!” you said happily. “Let’s go and spend Tony’s money” you laughed.

“Alright let’s go.” Steve said happily.

*Later at the restaurant*

After you and Steve were close to finishing your food you suggested something. “So Steve, why don’t we go the the club around the corner. You know find yourself a girl. We could bring Sam with us too, apparently I’m his wingwoman.” you chuckled as you “paid” for the food.

Steve nodded and pulled out his phone. “I guess I should call Sam then.” he laughed.

The waiter returned with Tony’s card and asked “I’ve noticed that Mr. Stark isn’t here. May I ask why or how you have his card or should I call over my manager?” You shook your head no.

“Oh, no I’m sorry. I’m Tony’s daughter (Y/N) and he gave me his card for the weekend. So I decided to go out to dinner with my boyfriend.” you lied sounding fake concerned. “Please don’t call your manager over, my dad would kill me if he knew I’m dating someone who he doesn’t know. My dad is very strict.” you added to the lie. The waiter nodded.

“I’m sorry miss. I didn’t know Mr. Stark had a daughter. Let me get you our speciality chocolate cake of course on the house.” he apologized scurrying to the kitchen. You looked over at Steve smiling.

“Well, Ms. Stark I’m glad to be your unknown boyfriend.” he chuckled.

“Hey, at least we got free dessert!” you said giddy. The waiter came back with the cake and two forks. You and Steve shared the cake and once you finished you both exited the restaurant with you arms linked. “Oh is Sam going to be joining us?” you asked Steve and he nodded yes. As the two of you arrived at the club Sam was already in the line waiting for you guys. He waved over at you and Steve. “Hey Sam, I guess your wingwoman came to the rescue afterall.” you laughed and so did he.

“Yeah, I’m actually happy that you are gonna help me out. Seeing that you are busy with someone else.” he whispered at you so Steve wouldn’t hear. You shoved him away. “Hey, you know it’s true. The only thing is I wish this fucking line would move.” he yelled over the crowd. You and Steve laughed at him. You looked at the bounce of the club recognizing the face.

“Follow me guys.” you said leading the two gentlemen to the front of the line. “Henry? Is that you? Oh my god it is!!” you smiled and so did the bouncer.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N) as I like and breathe! Long time no see girl!” he replied in a friendly tone. Henry was a super buff guy (like most bouncers of the bouncers that worked there), but he was a very nice person when you get to know him. “Who do you got here? Getting into trouble again I suppose?” he added and you blushed.

“Oh no, these two are my friends. I’m their wingwoman for the night.” you said. “Do you think you could let an old friend in?” you asked.

“Uhhh,” he paused looking at you, but you gave him your best puppy dog eyes and he sighed, “yeah you can go in. Just don’t tell my boss.” he winked at you pulling moving aside to let you guys in. You smiled and kissed his cheek and you lead both Steve and Sam into the club and up to the bar.

“What just happened?” Sam asked and Steve nodded in agreement. You waved the bartender over ordering a whiskey.

“Oh you mean Henry?” you asked the pair and the nodded. “Well we use to work together.” you said calmly.

“Umm, where?” Sam asked.

“Here.” you said and the two had a questioned look. “I was the person who would kick people out if they became to rowdy and if they would decline or ever so much as touch me I would beat their ass (a/n: basically like Ronda Rousey in Expendables 3).” you said confidently smirking as the bartender gave you your drink and you downed it. You ordered another and they two men looked at you.

“Huh, that kinda explains your aggressiveness.” Steve said quietly, but you heard him and shoved him.

“HEY! I am not aggressive!” you yelled and the two laughed at your assertiveness. “Whatever! Sam did you find some poor girl that has to listen to you talk about how great you are?” you asked for friend.

“Ouch, but yeah that girl over there with the black dress.” he pointed at a table near the bodies of dancing people. You nodded taking note and downing your second drink, you stood up from your chair and began to walk near the girl. Sam and Steve saw you talking to the girl. “She better do me right.” Sam said to Steve and he chuckled. As you were talking to the girl the guys both ordered drinks from the bartender. You began to walk back you winked at Sam. Then the girl looked over and began to walk towards Sam. “Hello there.” Sam said confidently and she giggled. She took his hand and brought him to the other dancing bodies.

“What did you say to her?” Steve asked as he sipped his drink.

“Oh I just said he was an Avenger and saves the world.” you replied smiling ordering yet another drink. The rest of the night was a blur, but you knew that you went home with someone.

*Early in the Morning*

You woke up with an excruciating headache. You groaned you felt something heavy around your small frame. As you turned you saw the person who was next to you. Steve Fucking Rogers. You were mentally screaming. Slowly moving his hand off your stomach you got of his bed and tried to find you clothes. They were scattered everywhere. “Damn, I guess we had a good time.” you said in your mind. Even though you didn’t really remember the sex all, you remembered was how much you liked it and being with Steve. Right when you got your dress off of the ground Steve noticed the absence of your presence in the bed.

“Rushing to get out of here?” Steve asked quietly and ashamed. You looked up at him and sighed.

“I’m sorry I’m rushing, but I just got out of a relationship and it’s your best friend for fucks sake. I just need some time to think. I’m sorry Steve.” you said sadly as you walked up to him and kissed his cheek. You quickly got your belongings and rushed out of his room running into your room. You dropped everything as you closed your door and with your back against the door you slid down into a sitting position. “What the fuck did I just do.” you said to yourself.

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong, but

Nothing’s turned out how you wanted

*Later that Afternoon*

“Maria, I need  to clear my head. Can you please help me?” you sighed. She nodded at you a concerning look.

“What’s wrong (Y/N)?” she asked. “And what are you wearing!?!” she added pointing at your sweater. You looked down at your sweater.

“What? This? My nephew made this for me so back up.” you defended the ugly-ish sweater. “But I need your help.” You loved Maria she was your mentor when you first became an avenger and then the two of you became close friends.

“What is it?” she demanded and you sighed.

“I slept with Steve.” you said cowering a bit.

“Wait what? Nat owes me $20?” she snickered and you slapped her hand.

“Maria! Ugh, help me!!” you exclaimed and she laughed.

“Fine. How did this happen?” she asked you.

“We got drunk at a club and you know one thing led to another.” you replied.

“Damn, I wish that would happen to me.” she said silently so you wouldn’t hear, but you did. “Well what are your feelings towards Steve?” she asked another question.

“Steve is a sweetheart and is always nice to me.” you replied.

Maria nodded, “Ok, how do you feel about Bucky or should I say did you feel?” she asked you.

“When we were together he was great as well, but there was something different about him. Like good different. Even though he broke up with me which was stupid and I don’t understand why he did that still.” you said.

“Well then, who do you have more feelings for?” Maria asked you.

“I don’t know. They are both great guys, but I can’t choose.” you said sighing putting your head on the table with defeat.

“Well, I believe that you will make the right choice.” Maria said patting you shoulder. “Now let’s order you some food because I know that will cheer your up.” she added and you laughed agreeing.

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

You’ve been avoid Steve for days. You felt bad, but you were trying to escape the awkwardness. You’ve locked yourself in your room just thinking about what you should do. You sighed loudly and exited your room and walked to Steve’s room. You paused for a moment and right when you were about to knock on the door it opened quickly.

“Oh, (Y/N). Hi.” Steve said avoiding eye contact.

“Hey Steve.” you said. “We need to talk.” you continued walking past him and sitting on his make bed. He closed the door behind him and followed in your footsteps.

“You’re gonna talk about that night, right?” he asked you. As you looked at him you were about to cry, but you tried to keep it together.

“Yeah, I don’t think we should tell Bucky. I mean he’s your best friend for fucks sake, Steve.” you said keeping your calm and he nodded as he walked closer to you.

“Please tell you felt something when we were together for that short amount of time. Please (Y/N).” he said looking at you.

“I’m really sorry Steve, but I didn’t feel anything.” you lied. Of course you felt something. Steve was so sweet to you the entire night, but you felt like you cheated with Bucky (a/n: even tho he broke up witchu…i’m sorry for interrupting but like asdfghjkl).

“(Y/N), look into my eyes and say you didn’t feel anything.” he said grabbing you face forcing you to look at him.

“I didn’t feel anything.” you said sternly looking into the stupid, beautiful eyes. Steve has tears forming in his eyes and tried to hold yours back. You took his hands off of your face and slowly exited his room. “Just know Steve if something happened that night you met me things would be different.” you said as he exited his room closing the door. You had tears running down your face and walked to Maria’s room. She saw your state and hugged you as you sobbed into her shoulder.

(say) all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest my head  

*4 Months later*

Ever since your talk with Steve both of you were avoiding one another and everyone noticed, but didn’t say a word. It was hard to try and avoid one another, but whenever you did bump into one another you would have small talk. Both of you were slowly beginning to talk to one another, trying not to make it awkward.

Both you and Steve were talking in the kitchen as you both were eating lunch. Out of nowhere you both heard the elevator ding. You both looked to the doors opening an you saw the one and only James ‘Bucky’ Barnes. He exited the elevator, looked at the two of you and walked straight to his room. Both you and Steve looked at each other questionably. You got up walking to Bucky’s room and Steve was behind you. His door was closed. You knocked on it hoping he would open the door and luckily he did.

“Can we come in?” you asked and Steve behind you. He looked at the two of you and closed the door. Right when you were going to knock on the door again Steve stopped you.

“Let’s let him rest. He’s probably tired.” Steve said quietly and you nodded walking away.

*5 weeks later*

Bucky had been avoiding both you and Steve for the past weeks. You were on the couch binging some New Girl when Bucky came into the living room. He sat on the other side of the couch and began to watch with you. You looked over at him and he with you.

“We need to talk (Y/N).” he said. ‘That was never a good sign.’ you said to yourself. Your turned off the TV and showed Bucky your full attention. “I thought about what happened between us when I left for my mission.” he started and looked at your blank face nodding for him to continue. “I wanna tell you that I met someone in England and one thing led to another and we slept together.” he added.

“Why are you telling my this Bucky? You’re the one who broke up with me.” you said in reply.

“I know, but I wanted to tell you because a part of me felt like I cheated on you and it felt like I was being weighed down by all this guilt.” he paused. “And I kinda sorta said your name during sex with that girl.” he said looking down and you just laughed.

“Oh my god! That poor girl.” you said laughing. Bucky laughed at your comment as well.

“Yes well that didn’t last for long, but that wasn’t what I was thinking about for the past months.” he said and you nodded for him to continue. “I want to get back together with you. I know, I know before you stop me, I was wrong. I was stupid to break things up between us. We were great together and I regret everything. I missed you, I missed being with you, making you laugh and smile. I feel like I lost a part of me when I left you. I’m sorry (Y/N). Just know that I still love you and I’m sorry for what I did.” he finished sighing and about to get up from his seat. You stopped him and grabbed his face with you hands and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. Looking at his shocked blue-ish grey eyes, you smiled.

“I forgive you, Bucky.But I have to think before I give you my answer.” you said quietly and he nodded as he got up from his seat and exiting the living room.

“What the fuck am I going to do now?” you said to yourself with some tears in your eyes.

Do you know where the end is?

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say…

End of part 6!! I AM SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER!!I hoped you guys liked it and it wasn’t a let down. Also part 6.2 will be very interesting. Like always let me know what you want to see next, any suggestions and if you wanna be tagged in anything!

[sugirandom]

365 days of writing: day 188

Day 188: Imposing

           Good afternoon, this morning was the same as usual. I spent some time online and did a little bit of walking around the house before I watched some YouTube videos on my watch later queue. I finally got a hold of the foot doctor that gave me my antifungal medicine or at least their office and the secretary told me to wait and talk to the doctor before I continue my antifungal medicine. I watched an episode of Law and Order SVU at lunchtime and then played the Sims 4 for a little while. My main sim became an old lady and I actually played till the end of her life span. Her son, Franklin is now a teenager and sadly is now living alone but I’m pretty sure once your sim is a teenager they won’t have child protective services take them away. It seems like a sort of dramatic situation now but he’s 10 days away from being an adult so it shouldn’t be that bad.

   I’ve also been talking to Lara off and on but I think she’s probably at work now and I’m sure she’ll message me back in the evening. I found out she likes playing the Sims as well so it’s good to know we have another thing in common. I don’t think she currently watches Anime even though she said that she used to but at least we both like traveling and watching TV. I don’t remember if we have similar interest in music or not. Since I listen to so much foreign music I’m kinda used to not finding many people with similar taste.

           Of course, I watched two episodes of Dragon Ball just now and I have two more episodes left of the King Piccolo Saga. At this point Goku is pretty much OP and I get to watch everyone’s shock and I don’t really feel any shock at all lol. Oh well, I’m still entertained by it and I’m forever waiting for Jr. to show up.  As I’m writing this I have Spotify on shuffle and it was playing a recording from one of the Ayumi Hamasaki concerts I saw back in 2013 which was actually her 15 year anniversary tour so it made me pretty nostalgic. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make her 20th year anniversary at all but I certainly want to try and think it would be unreal to have been to both the 15th and 20th anniversary. If I don’t make it I’m sure I’ll be able to make another milestone anniversary concert of hers one day. The fact that she invites Gackt to her concerts every now and then means I might actually get to see Gackt on stage one day too. I honestly have no idea how to get concert tickets for his shows so Ayu might be my only hope of seeing Gackt on a stage in person lol.

           Well, I have to go to mom’s house to feed the cats again after Poppy gets home from work and it’s rainy out so I’m not really looking forward to it. I also have to bring their mail in and roll the recycling bin back to the house but she assured me it would be light. I’m on lifting restrictions for a few more weeks unless the doctor says otherwise on Monday. I still get into feeling moody or a bit worried but I try to push that away and remind myself that I’ll feel back to normal soon enough. I’ll try to focus on my goals for after I’ve recovered from this whole thing and not get bogged down. I’m going to get another T shot tomorrow so I’m hoping that helps with the drop in mood and maybe that might even help me feel a little better since I’m probably low on hormones in general at the moment.

           I’m not really sure what we’re doing after that point. Poppy has to take me grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow night since she’ll be going away for a week starting Sunday morning with the person she might have spending the night on Satuday, which she still doesn’t know for sure by the way, I’m not really over that but I don’t really have any choice in the matter and I keep trying to tell myself it’s only for a few more months. I have a friend from online who’s curenttly in Japan and says she might come stay at my place when she visits the Kansai region but I don’t really feel like I know her well enough for that so I might just have to bite the bullet and tell her no since we’d be meeting in person for the first time so the idea of her staying at my apartment is horrifying. She claims to be an introvert too but doesn’t seem to realize how much anxiety she caused me by stating that. Yes, not asking but stating that she might stay over. What the hell? I realize it’s probably a lot cheaper for her to do that but like…really? It sort of feels like I’m being used.

           Anyway, I guess I’ll figure that out when the time comes. I don’t know why people can’t just let me live my life comfortably. When I get into that thought I almost fall into thinking I’m better off alone than with a partner since there are so many people who just impose like that but I’m trying to fight the urge to get into that frame of mind. I just think people aren’t as respectful as they used to be. I guess I sound like an old man right now ha ha. I’m done for now…I’ve already written a lot.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

7:38am

welp

I’m actually doing pretty ok right now. I cut back on weed again. I’m not buying flower for a while. I’m probably going to work on getting some wax at some point but I’m doing ok right now. Uber has really been helping in terms of just having enough to eat a little bit everyday. I do wish I was eating more but c’est la vie. I just did some math and figured out how much money I will make before I leave for Europe. It’s just under $8000. Rent will be around $2000 in that time. Food expenses around $750. Wax could be as much as $1000 in that time. But at the end of the day I should be able to put away around $4000 if I am very dilligent about my spending. Obviously this doesn’t take into account various messwork related expenses which are difficult to predict - I could say that one gatorskin per month would leave me with about $300 less. But that’s not really worth considering since it will probably be much more than that, because tires are not the only expense in messwork. I am still planning on buying some more bike parts and that might run me up to $300 just on seatpost, stem and bars. Maybe a new fork since this Bontrager carbon fork is making me a little nervous lately from flexing. I do put a lot of hurt on my bike. It’s within reason that a cheap carbon fork (retail around $100) might weaken and snap from the constant daily pressure I’ve been putting on it. It was super stiff when I got it though since whoever rode this bike before me was probably just commuting ~1mi. And here I am putting in average of 30mi/day on it. It’s also all scratched up, might be worth upgrading just for the steez.

I’m feeling pretty good about my transition despite the fact I am 5 months in and still not as femme as I would like. It’s slow going, but progress is certainly being made. Thinking back on when my lil titty bumps started coming in and how it suddenly felt like there was this golfball sized lump in there. And now it’s advanced to, like.... half a apple? Like a small apple cut in half. So surreal! My face still looks kinda the same in the mirror, like it’s just kinda stuck in this halfway zone between masc and femme. My waist is tightening, I’m starting to get more of the buckled hourglass shape around my abdomen. And I sense some growth in my butt. Not sure how much. Difficult to measure that since I can’t easily see it and also because I’m not really measuring anything in this whole process. Emotionally I actually feel better on average since I’ve started cutting down on weed. I was so worried that if I sobered up I would start regretting stuff but no actually I just feel normal and good. When I looked in the mirror this morning I was like ooooh Hi. lol. I’m making enough progress that I think I can feel proud now of how far I’ve come.

Haven’t really been making much music. Just a couple beats here and there, a few bars if I think of something I like. This is something I think the weed was helping with for sure - I wrote literally every song on the LTC EP while I was high out of my mind, and drunk too in some cases. I am still so embarassed about the show I did. That kinda put the brakes on my creative output because I am too self conscious about it now. But I sense that it’s fading and I will probably end up back where I was at some point once I get over the hump from that setback.

When the muscle loss initially started I felt like the muscles were the same size, they just didn’t work the same anymore, didn’t recover as quickly etc. Now, the muscles are visibly and noticeably smaller. I had a pair of men’s pants that I bought when I went out to dinner with my brother in January, just before I started hormones. I remember those jeans being so tight on my quads that it was actually uncomfortable to wear them at all, let alone ride my bike in them with my muscles actually flexing. The other day I wore them out for a couple Uber runs and I noticed how loose they were on my quads. So weird because in the 5 months since I started hormones, I have only increased my output. I went from only working 3-4 days a week for Epic, some days doing as little as 15 miles, laying around being a poop the rest of the time, to now doing on average a minimum of 25-30 miles a day, everyday, including weekends, and sometimes as much as 40-50. So while my muscles appear to be shrinking and becoming weaker, I am actually somehow, paradoxically, becoming stronger. Yesterday my Strava said I got PRs on two segments that are actually kinda tough, one is a long section of flats downtown where the wind is almost always murder. It was brutal yesterday, and I remember crawling along, huffing and puffing and feeling sorry for myself about how weak I am now or whatever, and when I exited the section I remember being like, jesus, how is nobody noticing how slow I am these days? I can’t even ride with the other messengers anymore, blah blah. And then I check my Strava and it’s like, oh, no, actually you got a PR there. That was the fastest you’ve ever done that segment, by a good few seconds too. So, it’s like, I am still fast as shit, actually faster than before, but somehow it just feels like I’m not. It feels like I have to work super hard to get anywhere, and I’m always heaving and panting every time I arrive to my destination. But I get there fast as fuck and that’s what really matters as a messenger. So I guess I don’t have much to worry about there. My spiro dose went up to 100mg/day this month from 50 and there was initially what felt like a big drop off in terms of muscle function. But it’s really all good. I just worry too much I guess. But things are going well! It feels like I’m approaching the halfway mark in my transformation into an anime girl. Probably not really the case, it’s been slow going all along so I should expect the halfway point to be 1 year, and complete-ish around 2 years. But instead I’m like, nooo, I’ll be transformed by 1 year, the journey will be over! Unrealistic. But exciting.

I don’t even know what else to say about it. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m more functional than I’ve ever been. I have actual plans and goals. I’m living in a really nice house. I have a decent enough job. It’s just so weird when I actively think about how all this is working out. Considering 2-3 years ago I had no fucking idea I was trans. I was just barely working out that there was something going on with my gender shit but I had no idea I was fully gril. And now I’m like, um, excuse me sweetie *sashay away*

The other night I talked to C on Skype and at one point I kind of randomly started using my voice and talking about how I should practice more and it sounds bad because I don’t practice. And I was like halfway through the second sentence when she realized what I was doing and her eyes went all wide and she squealed. And her being excited made me excited haha and now I want to practice it more. It’s tough though, it’s a tough thing. I want to work on it but it can feel a bit silly at times, like I’m performing somehow. It will take some time to get away from that feeling so that I can appreciate the truth which is that the boy voice was the real performance all along. My natural speaking voice is, and it’s hard to admit this I guess, but it has what some people would refer to as a gay affectation to it. And I’ve always just sort of hidden it away. No one has ever really heard me speak naturally. I have always been acting. Since I begun my transition, I’ve been letting more of it out in daily speech. Little bit of vocal fry here and there, little bit of valley girl twang. No one seems to really notice or care. 

It rained all week last week and I felt like shit for days. Today it’s supposed to rain again and I’m like ugh. Enough with the sky water please. But in any case I feel pretty good. Oh, I’ve started up a new character on Skyrim! Trying out Skyrim Special Edition. They ported the game to 64 bit so it runs way better now than the original PC version did. I waited like a whole year since this new version came out so that the modders could move everything over. It’s pretty fun actually. So often I find myself unable to enjoy a game because it feels pointless. But in this case I am kind of just using it as a distraction from my other addiction issues. And it’s working well. I’ve been watching all these lore videos on youtube and it’s got me excited about TES universe and finding various secrets and things that I never knew about before. I’ve probably put like a thousand hours or more into Skyrim over the years and there is somehow still stuff in the game that I haven’t seen. Literally within like an hour of starting the new game I discovered a dungeon I had never seen before with a unique item reward I didn’t even know existed. My character is a femme Breton mage who I named Simone after Simone de Beauvoir. Mostly pure mage but some archery and stealth as well. Usually when I roll mages I end up spec’ing Battlemage or Spellsword but this time I want to try to do full mage with no armor or hand to hand weapons at all. In all this time I’ve spent in Skyrim I never bothered to have my mage characters learn armor spells or wards. There is a new mod that adds a bunch of new lore-friendly spells including proximity runes that you can set as traps, I haven’t even tried them yet and I’m already excited about how that will change my play style. I’ve been playing from the time I get home til around midnight for the last 2 nights. Helps keep my mind off drinking and smoking and keeps me away from the roommates so I don’t do or say anything stupid that could affect their perception of me. Cus that’s a whole thing I have to worry about yayyy. The other night I was drinking with N and somehow she got me like confessing about how I smoke so much because of my social anxiety and shit and she was like “really???? oh that’s so interesting” smh and I think she really meant that, what a weirdo. I almost came out to her right there haha. Like, oh you think that’s something? Wait til you hear what I’ve done to my endocrine system...

Ok gotta shave and stuff and get ready to go. *sashayyyyy away*

EDIT: Oh shit, bossman just texted me and said to stay home! FUCK YES SKYRIM ALL DAY OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Hii!! I'm really sorry it took me so long, but here i am once again. You also had a busy week? Eveything okay? You babysitted your cousin again? Jajajajajaj noo. That would be very sad. Do not miss the concert because of that! Bring them ans then you'll see. I saw pics of one of his concerts were people had ballons and it looked wonderful! (1)

Hi love!!  Seriously, don’t worry about how long it takes you to answer me. I know your busy, and you have to study and all that, so… And yeah, last week was a bit busy, so out of normalcy, jajajja. Bc I never have things to do,lol.Yeah, I’ll bring the balloons 🎈 and I’ll see what I do. If it’s a success I’ll take a pic to show you,jajaja. That concert that Niall streamed the other day? They have balloons, jejejeje. It’s from where I got the idea 😅.

I know what a Diskman is, but i nevver had one. Anyway, i was not laughing of Andy and Lucas. I cannot judge since i have only heard one spng that was included in the Singstar Karaoke🤷. Wow, you had a good time in the 2000. You saw the most famous ones!! Ed was magical. His live was so good!! He was there all alonne and he pulled it off so well. Very lively😍 I almost cried when it ended (2)

Jajajajaaja, I know you weren’t laughing at it, jajajaja (but I totally was, lol, it’s so embarrassing). But I guess I was a teen and they were our own one direction,jajajajajajaja (no! Nada que ver!!) You think? I’ve always thought I didn’t go to a lot of concerts. I love music and concerts, so I guess I just wish I could go to a lot more,jajajajaa. Oh Ed… I’ve seen some videos of his concerts, and I want to go to one. He came to Spain around my birthday in 2014? And I wanted to go, but the place was very small and the tickets were sold out in a few minutes. I didn’t fight for them too much, either,jajaja. I’m happy you enjoyed it!!! That feel at the end of a concert is the best and the worst at the same time.

Noo! He is not disgusting. Poor baby. JAJAJAJAJ. You really managed to find a larrie at the concert? It could have been any fan, or even a het one, and you found the larrie? Lucky girl!! Yep. She is updated on everything. Only thing she doesnt follow is Harry’s suits, which is a pity because they are The Best and I dont even like fasion but still they make me want to chance my mind. I would love to see him at the Met Gala. He would be the king of the event. (3)

Oh, my baby, I love him, jajajaja, but he’s so weird… 🤣🤣🤣🤣.Not only did I find a larrie. I sold her my tickets,jajajaja. But lol, we were so afraid someone would hear us talking and say something to us 😅😅.Genuine question: how does she keep updated? I’m always missing things, and I live in tumblr, jajajaa. I don’t know how people can keep up with everything!    I’m always thinking I’m doing something wrong,jajajajaj.Harry’s suit are in another league. I admire him just for being brave enough to wear them. He would be the king at a Met Gala. But it bothers me that they always talk only about what women wear at those events. He should start walking red carpets to show the world how do you wear suits,jajajaja.

Is it later already? Can we talk about you being a witch? Yay!! You already started the tag. I now have a tag😎 i feel cool. (I’m jealous of your cousin-in-law (?) too. Uni would be much easier with that ability). I feel a bit stupid, but i cannot understand how they can say he is slow while at the same time he is doing all of that, but, Go little boy!! I’m cheering on you! (4)

Jajajja, we have this joke in my family where we say I’m half witch,jajaja. It’s just I’ve have night dreams sometimes, that predicted the future? Jajajajaj like once I had a dream about a girl how comes to the shop. In the dream, she was at the hospital,very ill. Well, I had been a few weeks I haven’t see her, and I told my sister about my dream. I didn’t thought anything about the dream. But that same evening that girl’s mom went to the shop. And my sister told her about my dream. And the mom told my sister that her daughter has been hospitalized for more than a week, very ill (but she was already recovered). My sister called me immediately after,jjajaja.Then, another night I dreamed with two crows. I was walking down an empty road, and they were flying behind me. One closer to me than the other. (Ufff, I still get anxious thinking about it). When I woke up I looked up the meaning of dreams, and find out that crows mean death. Well, the next month my brother-in-law’s granny died. And the next week my cousin. (See? One closer to me that’s the other…) I was so scared back then… And well, I’m always having those gut feelings, or whatever they are. Like last year I predicted the date when that baby girl I’ve talked to you about was going to be born,jajajaja. My sister is always asking me to see the future,jajajaja. But it’s something I don’t control,p (and don’t fully believe, jajajaa) eh eh!!! I just remember another thing!!! Jajajaja, fandom related, even. One day I was taking a nap, when Suddenly Louis came into my dream telling (about something he had bought for D*nielle😅): it’s Gucci! It’s Gucci!! Well, I woke up after that and opened tumblr. And there were new pics of Louis wearing that jumper with a bee and a fence phrase? And everyone was crazy screaming IT’S GUCCI!! IT’S GUCCI!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣. And I was still half sleep thinking: I did it again…😅.

Yeah!! You ARE cool. And now have your own tag!!jajajjaWell, I don’t understand that about my cousin, tbh. And I don’t know how to explain it either. He knows (or memorizes) those things, but I’m not sure if he understands what they mean. But also then he has trouble understanding simple things. Like if he wants to eat something (chocolate) and you tell him that he has to eat dinner first, and then he can eat the chocolate, he doesn’t get it. And it’s not like other stubborn kids. It’s just he doesn’t understand what late means. Or he doesn’t like to have his hair cut, because he thinks it won’t ever grow out again. Same with cutting his nails. I’ve discovered now that he doesn’t mind having them filed out (Limadas), so I do his nails whenever he has them too long,jejeje.

Yes!! You really did manage to put rainbows on the cake. How smart and sneaky. And it looks so good😍. You did all that? JAJAJAJJAA Listen, i would trade my non existent masculinity for those marshmallows and i dont even like them. Thats how good they look. Yeah, nop. I’m not going to do that. We arent that close anymore, i probably wont see her for a couple of months and i dont think she would listen. She only sent it to me bcs “ tu eres feminista y toda esas tonterias” and wow. Okaaay. (5)

I’m pleased to inform you that that cake was a totally success,jajajaja. Someone saw while I was making it and asked me if it were for a gay parade? I just told him it was for a baby. Well, I make another similar one yesterday and he saw it again. And he started making rude comments about gays, and how they’re expanding like a disease, just because it’s a trend now to be gay. AND I CAN’T YELL AT HIM!!! 😡😡 I just sent him a very mean look (convine these 😒🤨 emojis and that was my face) and ignored him till he went away. I HATE THAT PEOPLE!! So ignorant. But they’re worse, bc the talk like they know what they’re talking about or like they are right. And NO! Aggggg.🙄“Tú eres feminista y todas esas tonterías” wow, why didn’t she ask you for more help!! She sounds so kind… (since this is written, I’m reading that how better I please,jejje. Maybe he’s kinder that how that sounds…). Well, there’s nothing worst that people how doesn’t want to learn and hear, so… sometimes it’s simpler to ignore them 😒.

I tried explaining it to my others friends though, pointing the flaws of the sentences and they just thought i was being picky. So…i tried, but they are not going to change their minds. Which, fair enough. Oh nooo. Poor kittens :( My examens are starting next week. But this week i have to finish some assignments and they are nightmares. I have cried many times this week because of them. I hate theeeem. (Not much to keep you informed but okay. I will). (6)

Uggggg, I don’t have any advice for you. I never went to uny, so 🤷🏻‍♀️ Take it the more easy you can, but it’s something you have to go through to reach you goal, so. Look at that,jejeje, your goal. And after all this work, summer is waiting for you, so, another thing to look for up,jajaja. Good luck with everything.

Also, that story was horrifying but useful i guess?? That CD sounds heavenly. I would buy it too (but like, in a year or so bcs thats how i work xd). It wasnt “tomorrow”. And still, no news. I’m waiting for some announcement. I just want something to change. I hope the future brings only good things to Lou. Pretty please? Yeeees. Liam was/is everywhere and i’m all in for that. L, you are doing amazing sweetie. 😍 (9 of 10)

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 YOU’RE SO FUNNY!!! Jajajajajaja.Yeah, it wasn’t tomorrow, nor yesterday, nor ever. I’m so impatient!!! Did you see he reappeared today?? He’s just so cute. He has had his hair cut again. I love his hair like that 😍😍. Please, let it be an announcement soon!! (I’ve read theories about him letting his contracts run out so he can free, and if that’s the case, I’m all for it, lol, even if I have to keep waiting for another year (please no)).Liam is truly everywhere. It makes me so happy. The other day the played For You in Pasapalabra (I don’t know if that’s a common thing, bc I don’t watch tele5). And yesterday they talked about him in all the programs at Los40. Mentioning his appearance at the festival. And the have tweeted something’s about him. And I don’t care if they use him as clock baiting, if they talk about him, I’m happy.

(Just read that you were working today. I reckon you didnt babysit your cousin. Oops. I never guess correctly). You went to the doctor? I dont want to pry, but are you okay? I hope you are good!!!💕 1 day until Niall show!!! It’s already thereeeee😱😱😱😍 Ooh. My weekend was dull, i studied and that was it. Thanks for asking!! What about you? Anything interesting? Have a good night!😘😘😘 (10)

Yeah, I had to work yesterday, AND babysit too, jajaja. But we have some spare space at the shops, so I took my cousin there, and between my mom and I , took care of him. So, yes, you were correct. Your memory is better than mine (a lot better).Yeah, I went to the doctor. Everything is okay, thanks for asking,jeeje. They just have to check my lungs and heart for some surgery I want/need to take (but I don’t talk about it yet, jejeje, bc I don’t want to jinx my luck,jejjje).TOMORROW I’LL BE SEEING NIALL!!!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!! How is your sister doing???? Jajajjajaja I’m so nervous/excited!!!! Jekjdnffieornvonerv I did my nails this morning, and of course, I got and Irish flag on one of them,jajajaja.. I can’t wait anymoreeeeee. I hope I can take good videos,jajaja, and that we’re close enough to see his nostrils,🤣🤣🤣🤣.The most interesting thing of my week haven’t happened yet,jajaja. I’ll tell you everything on Sunday (bc Souter day I’ll be dead and have to work 😩😩😩).Tell your sister to have the time of her life. And ask her to FaceTime you for a bit so can see Niall at least!!(still wishing you could go too. Another time, I guess).Have a good day/weekend/week. And don’t stress yourself about answering.

Pd: for how long do you have exams? I hope it isn’t too long. Are they finals? (I know nothing about this 😅)

[tantmieuxloup]

Spinal fusion recovery tips

You’ll kind of figure everything out as you go but it helps to have some idea of recovery ahead of time. This is just a compilation, not super organized.

Context: I’m 16 and a female, my thoracic curve was around 50 degrees

IN THE HOSPITAL: -You’ll probably be too tired to read or craft or whatever but tv also made me pretty nauseous so I liked having long music playlists to listen to. Podcasts are also nice to stay entertained without having to actually do anything. -I had lots of visitors the day after my surgery and it was enjoyable because I still had my epidurals and I wasn’t in any pain, plus I was fairly awake. So that’s a good day for people to come. -We had all my visitors write down their bets for my new height and new curvature, winner gets a prize. Lots of fun. -If you still have your epidurals and catheter in and you’re feeling like eating a ton of food DON’T just take it slow because your system is still backed up and you will have to wait several days to poop it all out. Not fun. -Press the nurse button for whatever you need. It’s not just for emergencies. They want you to be comfortable so really let them know. And say thank you to them. -My catheter would sometimes get in a funny position and not drain so if your bladder is feeling full let the nurse know. -Always be thinking about your pain scale (1-10) When you constantly have a number in mind it makes it a lot easier for pain service to adjust your meds as necessary. -French braids were nice going into surgery but I kind of sleep on all sides of my head so I eventually just let my hair loose. It’s right at my shoulders and has been pretty easy for maintenance. -If you’re worried about privacy with catheters and stuff seriously I did not care when a nurse was keeping that area clean or whatever. You’re tired and they’re professionals. Don’t stress about it. -Get a light robe for walking in the hospital so your gown isn’t open in the back -Let people know if you feel like throwing up. I did a couple of times and I was lying down so I kind of just turned my head to the side to get it into the barf bag. Not a big deal. And luckily it didn’t really make me seize much so it was not painful at all. Don’t resist it, either. -Have your parent take lots of pictures and videos. Also I did some vlogging on my finsta to update my close friends, which was humorous for everyone.

AT HOME: -Walk walk walk. I like to walk in the morning outside which is also a good time to practice breathing deeply, both things my physical therapist was insistent on. Don’t go too far– just down your street- and do little laps if needed so you can easily go back home if you’re tired. -Put a pillow behind hard chairs when you sit on them. If you’re like me it’s still kind of gross to actually feel your back so it just helps. -Try to let your shoulders down when you’re upright. I keep mine tensed a lot and it puts stress on my back. -I had some bad nerve pain by my left shoulder blade for a while that limited my mobility with that arm but it went away within a few weeks. -Stools for your feet seriously help for pooping. This is a must for getting over constipation. Your body isn’t designed for sitting on a toilet normally– knees up is a much better angle for your intestines. Just keep your hands on the sides of the toilet for balance. And if you haven’t pooped in a while it might take like ten minutes but stay patient. And seriously if you have to take a five minute break and go lie down and then go back to the toilet do it. It’s worth it. -I have pretty mobile toes that can pick a lot of things up so maybe practice and see what you can do lol -Stretchy workout shorts are great to put on especially after using the bathroom. You can kind of just put your leg out and let them slide up a bit til you can pull them all the way without bending over. -Try to get back to eating normal foods pretty quickly. Not a lot of them, but they’re a lot more appetizing than crackers all day and help fill you up, especially fruits and vegetables. -Don’t take ibuprofen without eating!! It makes your stomach feel awful -I started to hate drinking water with a straw out of those hospital jugs so if just out of glasses makes you feel better do that more. -Find positions that make you comfortable but don’t stay in them all day. Walk or sit at the table or on the couch and then every so often return to your comfy spots for relief. Getting mobile will really help you recover. -Those gel ice packs that are flexible are a lot more useful than the hard ones -Problem spots for me were my ribs and my neck, probably because they had literally been moved during surgery, so find positions that give those a break. Also deep breathing helps get your ribs/ lungs back to full capacity. -I wasn’t up for having a lot of visitors when I got home but I still stayed in contact with my friends by texting and stuff, so don’t pressure yourself to company you can’t handle but don’t isolate yourself either. -For some reason sleeping with my arms above my head was comfortable. Just try things and see what works. -Start getting motivated to get better and setting a healthy routine within the first few days of going home. For a while I just sat in my chair and felt like I was rotting to death but if you get up in the morning and walk and drink water and eat at least a little bit you’ll have a much better day, even if that was the most you can do. Then take a nap :) -Get a comfy recliner!! I spent most of my time in mine for the first week and it took a lot of pressure off my back, and was more upright and accessible than a bed. A must. -Get a side table that can go over a bed. I have one with a flat section and a section that can tilt and it’s been perfect for watching tv on a laptop and eating and things. -Pebble ice is delicious and doesn’t make me nauseous since it’s just ice and helps take my mind off pain, and stay hydrated. -Those little sitting up pillows with the back and the sides are good for sitting up on couches. And putting big pillows under your arms helps too. -Get a wedge pillow for your bed!! It’s made everything so much better. -I swung between hot and cold a lot so having nice big fans was good for circulation and then I’d have blankets on hand for warmth if needed.

AROUND 3 WEEKS: -When you’re in charge of your own painkillers set alarms and stick to them -Start showering regularly and get back to your skincare routine or whatever. It makes you feel normal again to some degree. -I have to do a lot of summer homework which can be mentally taxing so start setting a plan for the day and include some of whatever you can do -Stay out of bed as much as possible. It helps you sleep better. Lie on couches or your siblings beds during the day so your brain recognizes bedtime more easily. -I’ve had trouble breathing at night so an hour before I go to bed I take an inhaler (I used it for asthma years ago, make sure it’s ok w/ parent) -Start trying to wean off your phone. It’s the worst I know. But replace it with coloring, homework, reading or even just watching tv on the actual tv for a bit every day. -Try harder to eat good food, now that you’re not just concerned with getting something inside you. If it takes too much standing time to prepare something quality have someone help you out. -I’ve started wearing bras again because I like them, but if you want to wear them stick to really soft comfy ones that won’t irritate your back, and if your breathing starts getting constricted, make it the first thing to go. -my period was supposed to be around the week of my surgery but it skipped and I ended up having a 43 day cycle, which is twice as long as it usually is. It was super light and only lasted 3 days. Idk what anyone else’s experience is but prepare for some changes in your cycle, if you menstruate. -start going out in public/ cars for short periods of time. Cars aren’t terrible in terms of jostling unless you’re on a really bad road, so don’t worry too much. -Don’t push your luck with walking around for too long too soon– I did and ended up not sleeping a wink that night because of terrible sharp pain. -You can start doing little bits of housework again, like unloading the top rack of the dishwasher.

REMEMBER your pain sucks but it’s getting better, not worse :)

I have yet to go to school starting in August and I’ll probably post a school list once I do.