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thanatosangels · 4 years

Note

Congraaats on hitting your first milestone, Mae!! 💕 We just followed each other recently, so I'm hoping to know you better! 😊 For the asks: 👀 What's your favourite ship/character from TSC? and based on that choice, can I pls get a 🥰 on the ship/character you've chosen? I'd love to read it! Thank you! 🥺

OMFG THANK YOU SM!! You seem sooo sweet and i really want to get to know you too ahhh 💝💞💓 Also, i can’t apologise enough for how long this has taken - life got very busy and then i wrote it all but accidentally deleted it, so i’m really sorry!! <3 I hope you enjoy :))

👀 - I honestly can’t even pick one, but for the sake of writing purposes i’m gonna say Lucie and Cordelia’s friendship because i really want to write about them lol <33

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jessie,” Lucie’s voice was hushed in the darkness of her kitchen.

Nothing.

“Jessamine,” She was shaking as she clutched the picnic basket between her hands.

Still nothing.

“Jessamine Lovelace.” There was more conviction this time, a feigned air of authority.

Jessamine materialised directly in front of her. “Lucie, darling, are you aware it’s three in the morning?” Jessamine’s bright eyes narrowed as she looked Lucie up and down, seeing her mud-caked boots, the hem of her dress sodden and heavy, the hastily assembled picnic in her hand. “Whatever seems to be the matter?” Her voice held more curiosity than concern.

Lucie gulped, her nervousness a palpable taste in her mouth. “I need you to take me somewhere, Jessie.”

Jessamine looked at her like she’d grown a second head. “I beg your pardon?”

A deep breath. “I need you to take me somewhere.” She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. Angel, I hope this works.

“Little Lucie, have you lost your mind? I wouldn’t blame you, living in all this ruckus.” Jessamine was slowly circling her, inspecting her. “Or have you suffered a grievous head injury that’s rendered you unable to remember that I am a ghost. Does this mean i have to rouse Will? You do know what he’s like when he doesn’t get his precious beauty sleep.” Lucie could feel the bright ghostly eyes on the back of her head. “Oh! Perhaps you’ve had a spell cast on you by a nasty warlock and i simply appear human to you now-“

Lucie felt her already frayed nerves snap. “Oh, do shut up Jessamine! Listen to me for a moment.”

A small, shimmering hand was brought to a translucent chest, an offended look on her pale, pretty face, but she did not continue her rambling.

Lucie shut her eyes for a moment. She had been in the gardens of Chiswick Manor, her breath forming a mist in the crisp evening air that mingled with the dark-grey clouds overhead, Grace by her side. They had been trudging over the damp lawn towards their usual meeting place, the dilapidated house looming over them, broken windows like unblinking eyes, when Lucie had stopped short. Dread trickled down her body from her head to her feet like a bucket of ice water poured over her head, realisation dawning and anxiety gnawing. Cordelia! She had been meant to see her that afternoon, to go for a walk in the park and show her the latest chapter of the Beautiful Cordelia, but she had been so distracted by smuggling yet another book of dark magic from the restricted section that she had, simply, forgotten. She hadn’t seen Cordelia in almost two weeks now, and guilt rose like bile in her throat.

So, after Grace and Lucie had finished, she had rushed home and immediately packed a picnic of leftover strawberry and lemon tarts, ginger beer and lemonade, cake and cucumber sandwiches. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the best she could do. Now she stood in her kitchen, face to face with her ghostly Aunt, about to do the unthinkable.

Lucie squared her shoulders, took another deep breath and whispered an “I’m sorry.” almost under her breath, and held her hand out in front of herself.

One of Jessamines delicate eyebrows arched up. “What are you doing?”

“Jessamine Lovelace, I command you to take me to Cordelia Carstairs.” Lucie put all the force she could muster, all the confidence she did not feel, into her voice.

“What?” Was all Jessamine said, an alarmed look on her face.

“I command you to take me to Cordelia Carstairs,” Lucie lowered her hand as she walked towards the ghost. “And i bound you to secrecy about my powers.”

Lucie stopped barley inches from Jessamine. They were almost the same height, Jessie just slightly taller. Lucie set her jaw, her pale blue eyes fixed on Jessamine’s shining brown eyes, her mouth in a hard line. She reached a hand up, to place it on Jessamine’s shoulder, desperately trying to still the tremor of her nerves…

And felt Jessamine, cold but solid, under her palm.

Lucie heard her suck in a small breath, bright eyes wide with shock, her mouth agape. “How….” She breathed.

Despite herself, despite the fact that this was only half the battle, a small smile played on Lucie’s lips. Hope burned in her chest, a warm feeling that fought the cold of the dead biting at her fingers.

She felt that same cold wash over her whole body as Jessamine’s arms encircled her.

“Take me.”

And she did.

___________________

There was simply darkness, and then light.

Lucie found herself in the small, neat courtyard at the back of Cordelia’s home. Power thrummed through her veins and she felt almost drunk on the giddiness of it. Oh, what fun!

Jessamine nowhere to be seen. Lucie hoped she was alright.

She looked up, towards the window of Cordelia’s bedroom. At least, she thought it was Cordelia’s bedroom. Guilt sobered her as she realised how little time she’d spent here these past few months. Surely you should know your best friend’s - your parabatai’s - whole life inside out?

“Cordelia!” Lucie whisper-shouted, though she wasn’t even sure why she tried. Obviously Cordelia was not going to hear her from all the way up there. She looked around frantically, searching for something, anything, that she could throw at the window and alert Cordelia of her presence. She thought about the small throwing ax attached to her thigh, hidden under her skirts, but quickly decided that it was a horrendous idea.

Finally, she found a suitable pebble. She placed down her basket and took a few steps back, almost falling over a stone bench next to some flower beds. She steadied herself, measured the throw, pulled her arm back and let the pebble fly.

It was a direct hit. Despite herself, Lucie was proud.

Lucie shifted her weight from one foot to the other, her hands worrying each other in front of her. The ten or so seconds between the throw and the curtains drawing back felt like an hour to her. Then, Lucie saw Cordelia’s face through the darkness, lit by a candle she held in her hand, and relief washed over her.

She had been awfully panicked about accidentally waking Alastiar instead.

Then, the window was open and Cordelia stuck her head out of it. “Lucie? Is that you?” Her voice was hushed. “Are you okay? Has something happened?” Her words were spilling over each other.

“No! Nothing’s happened, Daisy, I am perfectly fine…” She trailed off, unsure how to start.

“Oh, well then. How kind of you to actually show up.” Cordelia’s voice was cold now, but Lucie heard the twinge of hurt in it and it made her heart ache. Cordelia moved to shut the window.

“Wait!” Lucie shouted, desperation creeping into her voice.

Cordelia’s head popped back out again, her dark hair falling about her like Rapunzel in her tower. “Yes?”

“Cordelia, Daisy, I am so very, very sorry.” She spoke very, very quickly. “I know I have not been as good a friend as I should these past months, and I know an apology alone cannot fix that. I am going to be better, though. You are so amazing, Daisy, and you deserve only the best of everything in this life. I cannot promise to be perfect, which is what you truly deserve, but i can promise to be better and do my best. I love you, more than anything else on this earth, Cordelia and I hope you never forget that.” She paused, breathing like she’d been running, and Cordelia opened her mouth as if to say something but Lucie held her hand up to quiet her. She dashed over to the picnic basket she’d left lying and lifted it up so Cordelia could see. “I brought us some midnight - well, 3 o’clock - snacks, if you would like?”

For a moment, Cordelia said nothing. Lucie’s heart fluttered in her chest like a hummingbird in a cage. Then, a wide smile lit up Cordelia’s whole face. “Oh, Lucie, you goose! I wasn’t that annoyed, simply peeved! Of course I will come down and have a picnic with you, darling, just give me a moment to get dressed.” She disappeared into the darkness behind her and shut the window.

Lucie felt herself grin uncontrollably as relief crashed over her like a tidal wave, making her knees so weak that she plopped herself down on the stone bench that had nearly upended her before.

It was the first time she had smiled like that for a long while.

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adorabledonutunicorn · 3 years

Text

New Eyes

CW: Some internalized homophobia

Warning: This is 15 pages on Google Docs so it’s long. This is a combination of poems I’ve written over the past year or so (if my timeline is correct) about realizing and processing through some of my past crushes. It took me til version 4 to shift my perspective and not be ashamed of how I felt about these people. It’s kind of depressing to think that it took me no less than 4 years to get rid of the shame surrounding my sexuality, and even still I have my days, but in this case it makes for a nice arc that comes to accept everything by the end. In case you’re interested here’s a brief background on each person. I’m gonna go off since it’s already the length of a chapter of a book lmao.

1. She is literally the reasons for all of this. She was someone who I’ve known since middle school because we were in the “accelerated math group” together. She was always popular, but something always struck me differently about her. During our sr year of high school I sent her a message on Facebook and we had a few conversations on there. We were the only girls in our math class by this time and tbh we had more conversations online than we ever did in-person...we even sat next to each other in class omfg.

2. This one is about a friend I met in college. She was pretty, full of joy, and has a nice smile so I’m a very simple person when it comes to being attracted to people lol. I forced myself to get over it quickly and I’m thankful we still talk sometimes despite never really hanging out outside of the Christian group we were in lol.

3. Damn, this one’s about the friend referenced in “To see her smile again”. She’s literally just too perfect and the day I realized I got butterflies when she walked into the room was the day I fully realized/accepted that okay there’s more to me than being straight. I still don’t know how or why she loved me so well.

4. This one is about a friend I met in college, literally on the first day I was there. We were both in the same orientation group and were both so awkward we somehow stuck around together all 4 years lmao. Idk if she’s just awkward around me only or everyone, but by the end I could feel some kind of unspoken tension between us, especially after we went to see a play for the theatre class we took that was about Stonewall lol. A part of me wanted to say something but another part of me thought that maybe she was in a different place in the same journey of discovering her sexuality. The funniest part is that on Valentine’s Day I think a year ago we DM’ed on Instagram for 5 hours str8 (gay).

5. Aah yes, just another one of my Twitter crushes. Jk the first Twitter crush oooh! It took me like a good 6 months to fully accept said crush and like another 6 months to fully get over it. Truly I wish her all the best and all the healing.

V1.0

Once upon a time, These eyes grazed the truth

They saw the surface They saw someone With so much purpose

A life with a heart Transcending barriers and A mind with the ability To achieve great things

A person so pure Hiding their true self within Yet solid and confident in Serving

It was this willingness Intelligence Freedom To get lost in music and dance Goodness Integrity That led me to believe You were one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen.

And this, Is the truth that these eyes Could see

Objectively, Honestly, Truthfully, As transparently as Any teacher Any observer Any friend Knew you to be.

Yet still, My mind seems To have forsaken me.

What I know now Is what I failed to admit then What I replay in my head Is what I am slowly learning To accept within

It brings me shame To let these emotions Finally come in

And it brings me pain, Because that's not how I want to remember How and why This was perhaps, the "best" end.

I want to remember The objective observations The person we all saw, Not just me

I want to remember Rightfully, The words you said to me

I want to remember How I tried to look inside you So deeply

And how you gracefully Eloquently Opened up to me.

All I hope Is that these memories mean At least half of what they do to you As they do to me.

Even if I Can now look in this mirror And see, Say these words to myself Breathe And let them be,

I will never forget What you meant To everyone You met.

But because I tried To look so deep Because I tried To love you as you were, As you are I ended up finding something Only these eyes now Could see.

I cannot say That I fell in love With a fantasy

Because love Is so vast and deep

But there was A new feeling inside of me An emotion I would hide Because I never wanted it to be Outside For anyone To see.

I look back at these moments That replay inside my mind From every bathroom anxious tear I cried Unknowingly Became the catalyst For this "why"

Why was I so anxious And afraid? But that won't explain Why did I even feel The way that I did?

I didn't want to I pushed it down So easily It took me almost 5 years To finally accept This story That lingered inside of me.

Once I see A heart, soul, human life To love, I jump in wholeheartedly

Because I guess That is just who I am, Who I was made to be.

But I didn't expect That I'd be here Confronting these Treacherous conflicting feelings That to the casual observer Make it seem like It was all for me, Self-motivated Self-intentioned Just to set my eyes on something I could not define At the time.

If not me If I can't believe it, I hope you know Remember And see That regardless of what I felt The words we never said Still give you more Than a thousand reasons To keep on breathing And to keep on being The beautiful person We all knew You'd grow to be.

V2.0

Imagine What this heart can do Imagine What this heart can feel What these eyes Can see inside Before the mind Redraws the lines.

Imagine God's truth Willfully entering the soul Revealing more

Than I could ever know But all that I feel Is beyond words.

Imagine That what is beyond words Is not beyond shame

In fact, Shame has now met these emotions And tainted this love, The love the Lord has given To this heart of mine

This love that was pure Of good intention Is now questioned, Because of the reality, My reality, The way my mind sees

I can only perceive What these eyes gaze upon And the brain processes, filters, Through its many recognized colors

I cannot see What was not meant for me And what is Beyond me.

With these eyes, Imperfect and perhaps blind, They let me look upon a face Labeling it within me as shame Instead of grace

I used to be able to see, What I thought so innocently, Now a darkened fiend Of what was made A friend

What has now surfaced Became lies What has harbored Is judgment Internally, And nocturnal I have become

This is merely Not what I wanted to see But rather A predator where it meets its prey Onlooking the target Ready to strip Its life away

But here, This life is dignity Of the soul across the room Once the prime and primitive Instincts and defense mechanisms activate, There is no more reason, No way That words will ever be able To explain.

This Feels lost Feels lonely Like no one but me Will understand clearly That I love Deeply Wholly I dare say beautifully Whether or not these feelings Are just my feelings Or beyond Only my reality.

Because reality Is subjective Different between both you and me But somehow still We may find common ground Where the images our minds outline Overlap and see the same

It is here, where more than I Can finally understand. It is here, Where words are no longer the enemy But the potion and antidote To this shame

For this shame Has met humility Vulnerability The courage To be me

Even if The whole world will never know I know the whole world Will never understand, I still stand With my heart tall Convicted with truth Rooted in the Lord's Truth That you are so beyond and Better than beautiful It fills me With awe.

V3.0

These new eyes that have seen Change unfolding Have also seen Love unraveling.

From all the sweetness And fondness Of pure untarnished memories, To what I don't know if I know How to see,

This is me Raw and untouched Naked and ashamed To have loved The friend who was Never meant For me.

Blessed was I To have found one So faithful and kind For once not out of reach But yet still Out of my league With all the riches Of intelligence to joy And of course A smile that was not For the faint of heart to see

I have loved before, For it was here I found love In the purest form First, foremost, Of friendship

It was here Where every good thing That resonated inside me Grew tenfold With this unknown blessing That I had fathomed to know Beyond blessings ever received.

Yet, Little did I know, It took courage To love this way. Selfless Never ill-intentioned I tried to be Until the end.

It was generously That she gave me And so kindly Yet humbly I tried to give back Never feeling like What I gave was enough, As she so gracefully Accepted everything Speaking to me without words It was more than enough.

There is not a single soul That I have met Who could ever be Her Anything like her, Who could also be Or will likely ever be My friend.

It was on the days We left, Where our presences departed Where I had no regrets

But it was then When I realized The sadness and grief Was yet the loss Of love, Including the Lord's Love.

It was she, Who lamentably taught me How butterflies felt Inside me All the way To fear and shame Of this very discovery

As well as The best hugs Any person may probably ever give me.

There is no one like her, And there is no one better for her Than her husband, And this I know, It is he who I know To be faithful, kind, Courageous, righteous, Steadfast and Unconditionally loving

But somehow, I ask the Holy Spirit Did you bring her Here To teach me About love, faithfulness, and joy? Did you bring her Here To show me light in the world Once more? Did you bring her here To have a friend for once, To give me courage to speak, To love a friend deeply? And did you bring her here So that I could love so deeply That I found this part of me?

I can still say To this day That I have No regrets About anything I Have written or said To this friend, The greatest gift, A catalyst For this journey, And the one who gives The best hugs With the sweetest smiles I’ll ever be blessed to receive.

V4.0

Once where A new era began, A seed was planted In the mere probability of our existence

We did not find each other We stumbled upon one another In a way where awkwardness Was the main contributor To our similarities

Yet you stayed And I of course, stayed Somehow we relished In a relieving familiarity

Perhaps, It brought us together For that reason.

But what we had And what we have Has grown from a seed,

Watered, waiting We are here Where I never thought we would be: Friends now far away, Yet still able to relate

But even then What does it mean? It may not mean much of anything.

For a fleeting feeling Lines the nerves of my being Extremities tense While the rest of me at peace

For this is the only awkwardness We have known to overcome, Time and time again, —I never know Where your thoughts go

There is so much to be learned So much we will never know But in each other, We have still grown.

Maybe this is the best feeling I would never have known If I were not able To express it freely

Maybe one day Our lives not our hearts Will collide Telling the same story Of who we were always meant to be.

V5.0

To Jade, A jewel of always Every color but green,

Your story is a wonderful epic, Tales of travels That never grow old

They write an unapologetic narrative Of every highest mountain top And every lowest valley

You have climbed as high Just as much as you Have fallen down and cried

And I, I so wished to see and to learn Of every broken piece to your life That you thought you needed to earn

But I, Even with good intentions Fell into a hole I could not climb

I embraced every part At the expense of my joy Only adding To my despair

But you taught me What strength and courage Could be

To say it is easy To wake up every day Without the one Who loved you most Is irreparable As much as he was irreplaceable

To say the scars it leaves behind Are mere wounds of the flesh to be tended to Would simply be a lie

But still I Fell in love with What it could look like To see you wake up every morning And choose life

For there is nothing more brave As the story you write And continue to write.

I still stand by And wish to look upon your life To see how far you've come

But at least I've passed beyond The emotions I feared would last forever

Back then I was confused Back then I was still learning And I thank you for helping me Find who I am

Even if I can never say I fell as deep for love's sake, If I ever find you Stumble upon Or see you I will find the reddest rose And gift it to you

For the honor and memory of your brother And for the honor and memory of you Because sometimes words Will never be enough To describe what will always Be blooming in you (And how you've allowed me To blossom too).

Conclusion / V1.5

Without what happened that night These essays would never have turned to poems

Without the words we never said I wouldn’t have these reasons why I write

You are still as beautiful as the day I met you And the day I left you when I accepted You will remain a memory, not a friend meant for forever Or even for a second

But still, I do not hesitate To smile and be embarrassed Knowing now all That I did not know then That brings clarity, closure, and an end.

I never loved you But I definitely liked you Enough to zone in on Every beat of your heart

Enough to make you see Who you were always made to be And how worthy you are To be you, To be everything you are.

And so here I remain, Content and at peace Knowing I am allowed To never-more be ashamed.

#new eyes #shame #bisexuality #questioning #unrequited love #peace #joy #crushes #poem #poetry of tumblr #pride month #pride poetry #this one is long #don't waste your time unless you want to know the story of my life

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the-nysh · 4 years

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At what point in the story you started liking Garou as a character? What was his first impression on you and how did it changed later as the story progressed?

Oooh! What a GREAT question, I’m so glad you asked! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ (Cause yes, my perceptions of him certainly did change over time! And that’s one of the fun things I love to see happen with other opm fans too.) So let’s see…*pulls up a chair and shovel to dig thru nearly 5yrs of archives* where to begin~

It was definitely a gradual process (so buckle in, this is gonna be a looong chronological trip thru memory lane. About 3500~ words!)

First impressions

Early on (and cause I’m skeptical to most new characters who I don’t ‘know’ yet), I remember feeling kinda like ‘huh? Who the heck is this guy? This wannabe Hiruma-lookalike (recognizing some of Murata’s recycled Eyeshield 21 char design elements for him) with some silly double Vegeta hair? The hell does he think he’s doing??’ Beyond being kinda incredulous about him, I honestly didn’t really give him much passing thought or attention either, and definitely not anything on a deeper level yet. He was just kinda there (I suppose?), but also out there forcefully (cockily and somewhat annoyingly?) inserting himself as the ‘villain’ into the story at times (which wasn’t really my thing), seemingly WAY in over his head with reckless antics and overambitious about what he was claiming to be and challenging himself to do (which I thought seemed both ridiculous and ironic to set up like that when characters like Saitama exist to directly check/refute his aims).

So at the time I wasn’t fully ‘on board’ or invested much in his story/concept yet cause I hadn’t really seen him…define himself (beyond those first impressions) into his own fleshed-out character. Because he still kept reminding me too much of other characters (I even heard him with Hiruma’s voice) rather than breaking out on his own. Murata’s early art also had yet to really evolve and settle him into his own distinguishable ‘face’ for that matter too (he would though later, when he’d draw ‘Garou’ recognizable as himself and not like…‘Hiruma’s shadow’ anymore). So with all that coming in, it’s hard to ‘see’ or genuinely ‘like’ a char at first when they haven’t done much yet to distinguish themselves from others and grow into their own. (Oho, how time will tell~)

This impression of Garou hadn’t really changed much and continued all thru the Metal Bat fight, by the way. (I actually caught up to the manga around the time Murata introduced MB with the centipedes and was about to start his fight with Garou. Events which weren’t on my highest priority to see either, cause I still mostly preferred seeing Saitama + Genos interact instead.) But on a surface level, I at least knew Garou was fun/impressive to watch and his excitable/feral energy was infectious and entertaining (Murata really knew how to hype him up too), but other than that, I’d yet to really ‘like’ him on his own (enough to talk/blog about) still.

I first eased into reblogging stuff with him back in Oct 2016, which included the first reblog of his back muscles (lol) appreciating how Murata drew him facing Watchdog Man so ksjggh that part of the story (when Murata was teasing their fight) was also when Garou starting having a presence on my blog. :O

First turning point

However, I distinctly remember the first ‘aha I see now’ point in understanding him better was when I did a second reread of the webcomic. (I don’t exactly remember when that was, but probably sometime during the tournament arc when the pace was kinda dragging, so I prob reread the wc around then for fun.) It was around early-April 2017 when I later admitted that (in the tags):

I’ve come to really like Garou, a second read of the webcomic made me fond of him, of his background and ideas he wished to set out and change, his heart was in it and he had his set of morals, but he was young and brashly took the wrong path, I really want to see him return someday now that he's learned better

Cause following the big webcomic reveal at the end of his arc (when Saitama calls him out), going back thru his entire story again you could totally spot all the consistent hints and signs (from both his backstory and actions) ONE sprinkled the entire time, making everything revealed about him true, and not suddenly sprung up outta nowhere. It was finally like ‘aaah, I understand what’s up with him and can sympathize where he’s coming from. Yes that makes sense. :O’ However, this clarity/acknowledgment had yet to shift from simply ‘seeing’ or understanding a thing as knowledge, to actually feeling it (connecting on a deeper/personal level) later. That’ll remain a big distinction.

May 2017, I first started writing some early meta break downs about him, starting with his end-arc parallels in Suiryu’s despair moment and from this, there was acknowledgement how all ONE’s manga additions (up til then this was still all tournament arc stuff) were only building further context towards what’s to come much later on in the webcomic.

June 2017, I started posting stream coverage about him (vs Watchdog Man stuff when he intercepts King and Saitama.) Around this time I also admit this kinda stuff in tags ‘goodness how I love that this nerd has a soft spot for that kid (truthfully he's not monstrous at all)’ for appreciating the manga’s wholesome extra Tareo moments.

Second big turning point

Around Sept-Oct 2017 was when post content/stream coverage kinda started exploding during the whole vs A/B heroes + shed fight. This whole sequence, following the tournament arc, was the first big long-awaited return back to the wc’s script (with style!), but with significant expansions (esp to his character) never seen before. In particular, the bullet shielding moment was changed/revised from him simply standing there in the wc, to Garou protecting Tareo in the shed.

Truly awesome and moving because dang, he selflessly put his life on the line for that ‘Garou the determinator fending off the impossible while protecting a kid ;o;’ Firmly standing up to (injustices) and revealing his solid moral core, like wow, what a guy. <3

Murata’s stream output picked up significantly back then too (compared to his slower pace drawing the previous arcs), so I also admitted: ‘gosh been cheering for Murata's hard work just like Garou's in-chapter determination!’

But also cause this whole fight was like the first actual, legit demonstration (shown, not told) of Garou’s prodigious fighting skills, intelligence, tenacity, resourcefulness, perseverance, etc. Like this is what he’s actually capable of when pushed to the brink; testing the actual quality of his character (showing his true colors) and allowing those merits to shine while under unfavorable, difficult, and desperate conditions. And all impressively done in a way to make the audience both believe it and root for him (presented from his side much like a protagonist? Wild! 8D) It was extremely thrilling and badass (truly that whole shed part was brilliant, narratively and spectacle-wise. As I’ve repeatedly gone back to write about many times and again. :’D) My impressions of Garou around this time:

yoooo boi see I really like Garou, the wild prodigy determinator with a misguided goal, going all out and demonstrating his talent and prowess (even tho he gets in over his head), PROTECTING CHILDREN WHEN HE PRETENDS HE DOESN'T CARE, omfg what a softie (as Saitama would say) :'D, yaaa see he was never a 'real' monster at all, Saitama can see straight through him, and what he REALLY wants to achieve

Dec 2017, first started getting some sporadic Garou anons after the whole epic manga spectacle vs Genos + Bang + EC fight with everyone.

Jan 2018, back when Garou was captured in the MA base and then left to his own devices above ground…things started getting really interesting. Including noticing ONE’s more careful (or perhaps more transparent?) approach to writing Garou’s manga portrayal this time around. Different and more nuanced from the wc for instance, so there were many fascinating contradictions and complexities to uncover (break down meta-wise) about his convictions, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and how he applied those thru his actions and behavior (revealing decisive acts of character). This was when @gofancyninjaworld also started joining in to discuss and explore Garou’s ongoing dilemma with his goals and mindset. “His heart is in the right place, but his means are not, because at his core, he’s not a monster.” I admitted ‘Garou’s one of the most well-written characters in the story, I feel.’ And I was really looking forward to all the significant changes ONE was doing to make his manga story all the more defined and cohesive than it already was in the wc. That made things extra engaging (when there’s a desire to look deeper into things for fun and excitement for more).

Third turning point

Feb 2018 Oooh man. It was around here, (when Garou saves Tareo from the bullies and confronts RR and Bug God) that I was really starting to feel that shift happening (the impression of him turning into something more), so I had to comment on his ongoing characterization presented thus far (budding into a well-rounded, 3 dimensional character) and how ONE was (re)writing him in a more personal, sympathetic light that made him so easy to root for and genuinely likeable. I was fully AWARE of this happening and what both Murata and ONE were doing to increase his appeal. Admitting the more they revealed of him the more I was falling deeper for him, and fully welcoming it by narrative design. (Like alright let’s goooo! 8’D) Cause it was obvious how much differently and expansive he was getting portrayed vs the wc (with much less moral ambiguity). I said:

“Garou’s not simply a rogue, prodigious teen going on a spiteful rampage with an overconfident, slasher smile. Consistently, he’s been shown what really makes him tic: what gets him serious, passionate, sincere, and desperate – things that force his hand to either fight or defend against, with standards and ideals that he’d put his life on the line for. All of it is great: a variety of expressive emotions and definitive acts of character that all build towards the whole. Which we’re then left to ponder exactly what that is. Is he truly a villain or a hero? Is he really a troublemaking bad guy or actually a misguided ‘nice guy’? The answer isn’t so black and white; it’s more like a mix of ALL of the above. And I LIKE that. As ONE has presented him, Garou is Garou, and not really someone to align or classify as simply one or the other. He’s in that kind of delicious gray zone where he’s getting put to the brink to show his true colors. And it’s so GOOD and refreshing to see.”

That plus the manga showing his deeper bond with Tareo, his gruffly protective qualities (ok but that’s kinda hot?) and a more sincere showing of his morals (which he refused to budge on no matter what anyone else ordered him to do), brought on all the feels. :’)

Stream coverage + ch commentary devolved to like unintelligible screaming, with some ‘man he’s so fucking cool,’ or ‘damn protective Garou’s SOO good,’ or ‘I swear the more Murata draws of him the more I fall for him like wtf,’ or even the flat out ‘GODDAMMIT MURATA ;A;’ types of suffering reactions, ahaha.

At this point I was all ‘bring on the Garou appreciation; he deserves it; I have a mighty NEED’ but was kinda annoyed/frustrated with the fandom cause there was hardly any recent fan content of him (relevant to his current plot progression, it was all suspiciously dry or old ship-related content I wasn’t interested in cause the plot had moved on, so I was like omg where is everybody, hello?!) It was already a dry spell in between seasons so overall fan content was slow anyway, but it seemed like there were so few actual fans of him (to my confusion?!) So I started making my own content (beyond just the stream coverage and ch reactions/commentary + meta) with the expression posts appreciation.

March 2018. U-uhoh, things (and posting frequency especially) were starting to escalate. His reaction to literally getting backstabbed by the monsters and losing Tareo (his quiet but seething controlled feral rage) definitely had me feeling™ things.

Final nail in the coffin

April 2018 Oshit;; Garou forcefully storming and bulldozing his way thru the MA base, his awesome BIG DAMN HEROES moment rescuing Tareo from Royal Ripper, to his hilarious absolute tsundere™ moment denying it (before running into Rover and immediately protecting the kid again) pretty much destroyed me. This was also like the first time I’d seen ONE make a character go full tsundere mode and pull it off in a genuine comedic way (with the classic ‘it’s not like I came here to save you or anything baka’ line and all) so pfft, that was so much endearing icing on the cake. :’D

At this point someone even asked me who’s my favorite opm character, to which I was all, ‘Garou’s current manga content has been on fire so he’s been quickly skyrocketing into my favs (if he wasn’t there already)!’

But then Murata soon dropped THIS ‘protect the child’ page all with perfect timing, and I was…fucking doomed.

'sugoi ojisan' was pretty much the moment of instant death for me ;A; my constant reaction to the streams has been that gaijin 4koma meme with laser heart eyes for emphasis, and I'm pretty much losing my ability to articulate much beyond screaming at this rate

Garou’s behavior could then be summarized as ‘a very stubborn and in denial asshole tsundere little shit nerd. <3’ But there was classic ONE heartwarming irony in there too, cause Garou hadn’t fully ‘lost’ his battles either…during those critical times where he actually assumed the role of the ‘hero’ for Tareo instead. (Oho~)

basically Garou is a great character, the more you look into how ONE has built him the more meta af it gets

May 2018 (the long-awaited debut of the wc ‘scarf’ vs Rover towards Garou vs Orochi’s epic wtfshitstorm) lolwhoops~ I finally made the inevitable back muscles compilation while also writing longer, more in depth meta posts about him.

Murata delivered some of the best stream content we’ve seen of him. (Completely on FIRE, both literally and figuratively. And looking back, this was probably some of the most fun Murata’s stream sessions ever got. :’D Was awesome to be a fan tuning in during this time.)

even Murata was doodling chibis of himself freaking out in the margins XD

Delivering content from the pose of peak badassery…to dropping stream doodles of peak heartwarming/cuteness (Garou & Tareo in suits) on the fans for good measure.

bam Murata’s out to kill us with his art ...Murata can you like -maybe- chill? ABSOLUTELY NOT

Basically Murata knew exactly what he was doing, always delivering and servicing the fans (drawing the coke bottle was a fan suggestion too) yet also remaining a huge tease~

Towards S2 and beyond

June 2018, following the Orochi fight, Garou was put on a bus and absent from the manga for a while, so I went back revisiting older content again (rereading the manga for fun) and realizing/noticing/wondering stuff I hadn’t really caught about him before like…oh no why is he cute?? Was he always this way or had my eyes finally opened after everything??? (Cause aside from him being a little shit or a cool badass, he was also a complete dork and a nerd, and an oblivious dummy, and just…that was so…wtf endearing, a full package of fun to enjoy.)

But we soon got clips of Midorikawa’s voice reveal (from the opm drama cd) and all hell broke loose among the resident Garou fans. 8’D Especially cause his voice was ‘dark/smooth/mature/sexy’ as opposed to a higher-pitched, unhinged teen voice many had expected (remember that old Hiruma voice I first thought for him? So interestingly many fanboys were disappointed with this deeper voice casting). But also cause Midorikawa said “I’ll do my best to make Garou even more charming than before,” so we were excited to see Garou’s popularity spike even more cause of s2.

Aug 2018, the s2 key visual revealed with Garou prominently featured up and center and I WAS NOT PREPARED!!! I remember having like a full hyper-incoherent breakdown because of this so…yeaaaaah. 8’D I was all rationalizing,

If anything it’s all Murata and ONE’s fault that (the hype and appreciation for him) feeling’s grown even stronger. He was already a thoroughly fun walking meta source, but the manga made his softer/compassionate moments much more obvious (than in the wc). Just watch as this badass dorky nerd becomes even more hugely popular than he already is!

April 2019 was his anime debut…coincided with his post-arc WEBCOMIC DEBUT AFTER 5 FUCKING YEARS (before he even returned in the manga even) IMPECCABLE timing from ONE, holy shit people lost their minds. Including Murata, who had to draw him too! With all that and the anime airing (adding even more wholesome cute Tareo interactions not seen in the manga), fandom participation (+anons) really started to kick off.

I remember seeing the influx of new fans and how so many (who didn’t ‘know’ him yet either) would unironically label him as genuinely ‘evil’ or a ‘heinous villain’ at face value, which….uhhhhhh were the kinda takes that were hard to take seriously, but I appreciated how ONE’s writing allowed the readers to see and think for themselves as the narrative revealed more (rather than believing everything the characters said or claimed), so it’d only be a matter of time until they ‘saw’ the truth about him too. :’)

May-July 2019 the anime continued airing with fandom activity popping, until August when he finally reappeared and ‘awoke’ in the manga! ;A; After like an entire full year of him mia too. This was also the time frame when all the thirsty (and interestingly meta-hungry) Garou anons started (finding me???) regularly chiming in with fun participation. I was grateful though, cause they prompted certain takes I couldn’t have come up with on my own, and allowed me to think, examine, and explain things much more closely and thoroughly than I had ever posted before. (Yaaay~) Such as looking into just what IS it about him?!

“Garou wouldn’t be as compelling, engaging, and appealing as a character without (all) those other interesting layers and nuances to talk about too! :D It’s even better that way! Cause Murata can draw everyone looking drop-dead gorgeous and conventionally attractive, so just having a pretty face and impressive muscles isn’t enough to make him stand out in a special way from the rest of the cast. Already all those things (about him) are certainly impressive, so just what is it about him in particular? (That makes him unique.) The fact Garou has all that AND those other compassionate & interesting qualities to him just makes it the icing on the cake for a complete, well-rounded package. The fact we can know him, for all his feelings and attitude why he behaves and acts the way he does, such as when he’s contradictory, troubled and tsundere-like sometimes, to hardcore and badass other times, to softer and empathetic to fiercely righteous, protective and determined other times, and all portrayed in the way he’s capable of the range (and makes us feel) the entire spectrum of emotion too. …Like whoa (I could keep going but I’d be preaching to the choir at that point aha), all that only enhances what’s already there. In this way, I feel the Garou we’ve come to know by now is much more endearing and appealing than the one we were introduced to at the start. Because as he appeared then, he may have seemed like just another wannabe thug-of-the-week we might not have given much passing thought & attention to. But now…uhoh, you could arguably say he’s grown to the point he’s almost taken over the rest of the manga (within good reason!) by challenging our perception of who’s even the active protagonist. :O Who keeps us engaged and tuned in to see more. Buaha, just what the hell happened?! Now that’s quite the impressive feat from both ONE and Murata to create a character with a lasting impact like that!”

…So that’s what happened. :’D In my opinion, I feel Garou’s best moments where we (or really, I) got to know him better (shed scene, Elder Centipede aftermath, dine n dash, rescuing Tareo, all up towards his fights vs Rover & Orochi) mostly only happen until after s2 so… Since those were some of my absolute fav manga moments (which only enhanced my perceptions of him), those’ll be the moments I’m really looking forward to see animated in s3. But most of all, I’m hoping to witness some of that same ‘aha!’ gradual realization process happen to newer fans who come to appreciate him too. :’3

#Anonymous #replies #opm #garou #commentary #long post #(readmore pls actually work! ...i think it broke after editing it once)#anyway THIS took plenty of time to put together and relive/remember all those moments from years ago 8'D #how things certainly changed (and escalated!) but here's a breakdown of everything; enjoy~

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ryouverua · 5 years

Text

Trial 6 - (Fifty)Third Time’s the Charm, Post-Accusation (3)

Is that all we are to you? Just a vehicle to solve your cases for you?! ... you know what on second thought don’t answer that -

Trial: 1 / 2

hello darkness my old friend

What an interesting reaction. Despite the weird back and forth she’s been having with Monokuma, he still had the Monokubs jump in to defend her - though with that said, the desperation of it all probably backfired in Shuichi’s eyes. The point is, her first reaction wasn’t to protest - I mean, she will, and she did a bit weakly earlier, but it’s to withdraw into herself and think. Isn’t that how we first came across her? Thinking deeply to herself and completely ignoring Kaede and Shuichi to the best of her abilities?

A-are you attempting to plead ‘power of friendship’ right now -

“There is no time for friendship in the court of law!!!”

Clinging to that idea is the only thing he had to keep himself going all this time, too.

Also, after pushing behind the scenes for him to condemn three of the most well-meaning people in the class (and, y’know, Kirumi and Korekiyo lol), it’s interesting that she seems to think that this line of defense will work - especially considering what he’s accusing her of doing. You’ve managed to do something way beyond just murder, Tsumugi! Aside from Rantaro, you set the groundwork for everything that followed! And I feel like this game, more than the others, really pushed the idea that the survivors share some of the blame when the ‘blackened’ dies. I don’t agree with that mind you, but survivor’s guilt is very real and very powerful.

Despite all of this, he still wants to be wrong and is happy to be wrong. Being awfully, painfully right seems to be a running trend with him, with the one glaring exception hanging over his head.

BUT SHE STILL ISN’T SAYING ANYTHING -

she’s just sitting there with this worried, anguished expression and I don’t know what I was expected but it wasn’t this?? Is she trying to frantically brainstorm a way out or -

Seriously Monokuma do you actually hate her??? Despite working with her? Despite being intrinsically linked to each other???

Anyway whatever that just means it’s cute comic time, nice.

“gdmt do I have to do everything myself -”

They kept her glasses on! Oh, they kept her glasses on it for this! I don’t know why that makes me so happy.

Aaaaw look at Miu tinker away! The animation is really cute for it, tbh. Also something about Korekiyo eating all by himself with Kirumi waiting on him is kinda hilarious to me...

.........

I just realized that everyone in the dining hall were killers/wanna-be killers of the game lmao. Also, if only the nosier people had been in the room, this could have been prevented. 8′\

.... Now I really wish we knew where Kokichi had been at the time.

i just have this screenshot because Shuichi and Kaede are cute here

What was the signal that clued Tsumugi in on leaving, I wonder? Maybe she waited a certain amount of time after seeing Rantaro leave with the others? Would she have been willing to wait longer if she needed to for Kaede’s plan to either work or not work, or was she counting on it happening in that five minute span?

This was a pretty damn good set-up by Kaede.

CANNOT

BELIEVE EVEN NOW -

!!! New Act 5.

Also no shit he would’ve been surprised. Actually, I’d say that was an understatement. What a great expression by the artist - that is definitely the look of someone whose life or what he remembers of it is flashing before his eyes.

RANTARO

RANTARO DAMN IT

I GET YOU’RE IN PSYCHOLOGICAL SHOCK BUT

oh god I was gonna say ‘did he not hear Tsumugi right behind him’ but 1) the video was still blasting 2) no, seriously, he was probably in shock and still processing that he nearly died and was a sitting duck

WOW LOOKING REALLY CREEPY THERE MISS MASTERMIND

okay now the glasses still being there is kinda hilarious but I love it

SHE REALLY WAS.... RIGHT THERE....

This is another redundant picture because.... I’m not sure. I like this group together. We didn’t know anything about them at this point in the game, but they really did try so hard - and hell, Tenko, who I never got to know that well, was already putting aside her own bias this early in the game to work with Kaito for everyone’s sake. aaah now i’m getting sad

Which was so believable because even Kaede thought it was the truth! I’m so torn. I really like Kaede, and honestly? I like the fact that she was willing to go after the mastermind so aggressively. Tsumugi did twist the truth, sure, and we convicted the wrong person - but I don’t want to lose the fact that Kaede only didn’t kill Rantaro because her calculations were slightly off and Tsumugi cleaned up after her. I keep going back to it, but that line of Kokichi’s, telling Kaede she lost the moment she let murder into her heart, does still ring true to me...

THAT POSE.... I’d been waiting for her to make that type of pose all game. IS THIS WHY IT NEVER HAPPENED? BECAUSE YOU WERE SAVING IT FOR THIS DRAMATIC REVEAL?

Damn I love this picture, and I love how we’re finally getting to see the first hints of menace in her expression (outside of the ‘backflip into a minefield and die’ lol).

So.... now what....?

DO IT I’M BEGGING YOU PLEASE PRESS THE BUTTON

Aaaaw, even K1-b0 is willing to hear her out. :(

MAKI ON THE OTHER HAND LMAO

“I’m giving you 5 minutes. Oh, we’re down to 298 seconds now. Tick tock, motherfucker.”

And... she has nothing. Pretty much nothing. I mean, I guess she manages to throw the word ‘plain’ out one more time - literally just, “it’s plain to see I didn’t do it” - and that’s... it. Not exactly what one would expect of the mastermind who was able to throw this all together...

NO NOT THAT THING

“Tsumugi I swear to god -”

THAT’S NOT A GOOD REASON AT ALL!!! THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF A GOOD REASON!!!

;LKDFJAS;KJ

SDKFLJ

kalsdjfsljf;sfj

f m l that’s actually

amazing

thank you based tsumugi

Where are you going with this????

???????????

I think everyone who‘s played the game has this scene seared into their memories and for good reason.

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME AGREE WITH MONOPHANIE DRV3 -

oh thank god

Wait no, Tsumugi. Wait. No, we’ve had something good going on between us, right? Right? Tsumugi please - please don’t -

TSUMUGI I AM BEGGING YOU

TSUMUGI

TSUMUGI WHY

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

......

WAIT DID YOU LITERALLY JUST CHANGE IN THAT CLOUD OF DUST

HOW -

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT shit she really is the Ultimate Analyst

Wait, the 53rd???

THE 53RD??? THERE’S BEEN 53 OF THEM??? HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE TAKEN UP YOUR MANTLE -

NO FUCK YOU IT’S TSUMUGI GIVE HER THE CREDIT SHE DESERVES

HOW DARE YOU

U-UM

UM WHAT JUST HAPPENED

first of all BITCH -

second of all HOW DID YOU

SWITCH BACK SO FAST WHAT IN THE WORLD

third of all, which is really just an expansion of first of all, I actually still managed to keep liking her despite everything! Even that damn love hotel scene! DESPITE ALL THE ODDS I STILL EXIST -

“I’m pretty sure Kokichi copyrighted that. You gotta wait at least 25 years before you can use it yourself, y’know.”

hHGHGH MEGANE MASTERMIND SPRITE

omfg they

they’ve been holding back on this pose for the entire game

just for this moment

just for glasses!junko

............

fml I’ll allow it but I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT

Also I... I still want to believe that this Junko persona was born from Tsumugi and not the other way around....

Wait, does that mean Maki and the others know what Junko sound like? How? Were there recordings of the final trial or something? This just makes me more curious about the time separation between the last two games and this one! Especially with the number ‘53′ dropped - that would mean someone’s picked up the mantle 53 times, right??? So shouldn’t it be at least 53 years? but then how old was Naegi in that flashback, and that’s assuming every person that took the role would last no longer than a year, but then - wait -

No, if I’m going to stick with the idea that these students were made to replace actual Ultimates... then maybe this is a lot farther back than I initially thought...?

DOES SHE HAVE A V 3 IN HER EYES

....

WAIT A SECOND

Which is why she’s calling herself the 53rd... So Junko Enoshima is a title that can be passed down. It’s officially bigger than the person herself - the same way ‘Ultimate Despair’ belonged to Junko (and she pretty much defined it), but was also a title that could be earned by other people... right?

“You literally keep bringing out your glasses. You can’t even see us properly from over there, can you?”

EXCEPT FOR YOUR DAMN EYES I CANNOT BELIEVE -

SHE’S THE 53RD JUNKO WHICH SHE HAS A V3 IN HER EYES BECAUSE V3 IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT 50 + 3 DAMN YOU DRV3

“Please, Shuichi? Please? Can I do it now?!”

omfg Maki why is the answer to everything murder ARE WE REALLY GOING TO DO ROUND THREE HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING -

......... b u t on the other hand we actually do have the confirmed mastermind here. H M M M M ....

AAAAH IT’S THAT TSUMUGI POSE EXCEPT NOW IT’S OMINOUS AND SHE’S LOOKING AT US OH GOD

Sweetcheeks is staying on track! You’ve got her right where you want her, kiddo! :D

“..... like, do you wanna go get some food or coffee after this, or....?”

“I DON’T NEED YOUR STUPID COFFEE I NEED A GODDAMN NAP AND A CHANGE OF SCENERY!!!”

I’m... suddenly getting a terrible feeling that things won’t be that simple. We’re definitely not far enough into this trial for it to end...

W-Why do I feel like I’m facing a Tsumugi-Junko tag team right now?

FML I really like this transition between her initial sprite and this menacing one!

I-I... I guess we’re just going to let her exposition-dump now? O-Okay...

Ffffffuuuu where do the weird memory shenanigans mix into this and what part of this is the truth? Because Tsumugi clearly feels a deep connection to Junko (lmao inner Junko) but the flashback light machine showed us that we could literally choose scenarios where people other than us survived!

MAKI

MAKI NO

I THOUGHT WE HAD FINALLY GOTTEN SOMEWHERE ON THIS

.... Whoa this sprite looks really different from the rest. It’s ripped straight from the first game, right? I don’t know if the colours quite match up with the others. 8′D

I didn’t realize I could hate the Remnant of Despair Kokichi theory more than I already did but then he, with the supposed talent Supreme Leader, was relegated to a mere follower. 8′D

Unrelated but I lowkey love this ^ line.

... Do you ever just realize how small Kokichi was in a moment like this.

Anyway I thought we’d already drop-kicked Remnant!Kokichi into the sun but apparently we have to do it in-trial now. Or, well, soon, anyway.

Himiko and the others are trying to stay on track though - on the idea that there are viewers to the madness. At first I thought, ‘oh, that’s a bit of a tangent though’ then I remembered Kokichi was the one who gave us the tools to get all the evidence to prove that so it actually does make sense to bring it back up now!

Bullshit.

An intriguing line of thought, but bullshit.

THERE IS SO MUCH WRONG HERE THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN -

so thank god for Shuichi, who can help us get started.

#Shuichi Saihara #Tsumugi Shirogane #Maki Harukawa #Himiko Yumeno #Ryou plays drv3 #K1-b0 #Kiibo #Keebo #drv3 spoilers #spoilers

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sheusedtobesassier · 4 years

Text

Day 10,311

In the mood to express but having a hard time starting because I’ve got maybe eight directions I’d like to go in with this but um, they don’t really have much to do with each other? So. I don’t like to write without continuity. I don’t enjoy it. I want there to be a flow. But. Tonight I’m happy to say fuck it.

Five lamps on. An empty container that had blackberries in, some Spicy Cajun Crawtators lol, and maybe 10% left of a bottle of water. Make that 2%. Paused Shameless, fourth episode of season 9. Took a eight o’clock shower so my hair is top notch currently. Took the shower without music because I needed, mm let me find the word. it’s not grounding but it’s something along those lines. Ally does it with Alayna to calm her she’s having fits, but I can’t think of it. Something to do with sensation? Anyways. Took a shower in silence because I can’t have anything coming in right now. No external factors. There is basically never not noise right now. There is never a soft place to land. Wait that’s not true. I currently have a new bedroom that so quickly became cluttered and safe. That deserves a big hell yes.

Things to look forward to this summer in no specific order of importance and/or place on the calendar:

1. Genevieve’s wedding festivities.

2. Finishing Shameless.

3. Hamilton comes out on Disney+.

4. Hopefully getting a part time job.

5. Reading the few books I brought with me.

6. Going teal for the summer.

7. Endless opportunities for quality time with the girls.

8. Becoming buddies with Jayden Michael Lee.

9. Receiving my final CAUSEBOX.

10. Hopefully receiving my 2019 refund and PUA money.

11. Filling up the strawberries journal.

12. Drinking a lot of Jeremiah’s beer.

13. Helping Ally and being helped by her.

14. Weightless interactions with strangers.

15. DRINKING A LOT OF STARFUCKINGBUCKS.

16. Consistent walks with Tuck Boy.

17. A lot a lot a lot a lot of time that is mine.

18. Oklahoma!

Addey just popped her little head in to tell me she loves me before going to bed. That girl. Sleeps in just her panties. Dedicated herself to figuring out how to do her own ponytails a couple afternoons ago and was overjoyed every time she pulled it off. “That’s an important thing for a girl to know how to do.” She thrills me.

What’s happening in the Black community right now is gigantic. I don’t know if I’m allowed to be hopeful, but I think I am. I mean, most of my experience this week has been being really unsure of what I’m allowed to do as a white girl but. I’m trying. And accepting that me trying is potentially awkward or worse problematic but not trying isn’t acceptable. So. I will do my best not to knock shit over as I MOSTLY LISTEN. Listening keeps feeling like not doing enough? But. Whatever. I wrote somewhere else and will now write here, I can handle my own discomfort because I am not who this is hard for. I am not the center of this and dear God I hope this is my time to learn how to decenter.

Dear God, How do I learn how to decenter? Amen.

Here are a few takes that keep getting reposted that I am the bullseye for. (Omfg did you see that? Did you see me immediately literally center myself?! The fuck.)

1. Limit your response to what is of real, tangible help to us. Give money, call your reps, protect Black people at protests, elevate our work and voices. Don't make us swim through your tears while we fight.

2. white people be like “idk i don’t wanna be performative” bitch you like musical theater

3. White men are socialized to think everyone cares what they have to say & white women are socialized to think everyone cares how they FEEL.

I mean. Nah I won’t write what I was going to because I think it’s just an attempt to relieve the tension of feeling like I might be perceived as useless here. I want my ally badge. Gold star for making the effort. But it’s not like that right? It’s not like that. I’d write if I had a secondhand story to tell you about something real, something other than my hard but then not actually that hard white experience. Idk. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself? But then at the same time, GOT A SINKING FEELING THAT I’M A LANA DEL REY HERE. Like. Still unsure why what she said qualified her for being burnt at the stake. Like genuinely confused, not defensive. Idk. MORE LISTENING RIGHT? More listening. Listening and listening and recognizing when the conviction is trying to move me. (Lol writing that literally makes me want to go post a flowery Facebook status. Get me the hell out of here.)

LIKE MAYBE I SUCK FOR HOW MUCH I LIKE SHAMELESS. DOES THIS SHOW SUCK? IDK. PROBABLY. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

Look decentering is maybe what I need to learn period. Across the board. Maybe that’s what tanked being in love? Like with Omar and maybe way back then with Brandon too? (He got engaged last week. The sky is falling.) I just. I’m a girl in love with her own narrative maybe. Like, willingly taking on the role of manic pixie dream girl and not trying that hard to shirk it. Like I’m putting it in my goddamn Tinder bio. That is? Idk maybe it’s a bigger problem than I realize. Passing as quirky when actually I’m one of the most selfish women in the universe. Like I think that might be really real? And I know the people who love me would try to persuade me otherwise but. Idk. Self obsessed as fuck masquerading as strong independent woman who don’t need no man.

SHE’S GOTTA DECENTER Y’ALL. PRAYERS APPRECIATED. UNSPOKEN JUDGEMENT NOT ONLY ANTICIPATED BUT WELCOME.

The last time I went fully blonde I went into the salon noticeably stuffy and really nervous about a bad interaction. Had a lovely little time chatting with the blue haired wonder lady who was doing the work for me. At first she was like, “Oh you probably just have allergies.” But then once she heard my cough she got wary. Which. Of course she did. How disgusting to be getting paid to be up close and personal with a plagued woman. I wilted and told her she had my full permission to talk shit about me later to the other girls. And I 100% meant it. Ultimately, that’s probably my core objective. Giving permission to anybody who encounters me to come to the conclusion that your girl suhhhhcks. I do. You have my personal guarantee. You might like it about me haha, but I suck.

I’m not doing well and making light of it on Tumblr might help?

A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING WAY WORSE THAN ME, OKAY?!

I want to write about Omar because I always have something to write about Omar but hey maybe if I don’t write more than this short paragraph then that counts for something. To be able to miss him the amount that I miss him AND ALSO leave him the fuck alone. I thought last night that maybe it would be a good thing to thank him for what I learned from him regarding the fucked upness of being white but like. I immediately disregarded that thought because of the heavier thought that he might regret putting so much effort into a well spoken white girl who turned out to be consistently complicit. What a disappointment? Lol oh fuck I said a short paragraph. Get rid of me.

#personal

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