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[adorabledonutunicorn]

Idk what to do

CONTENT WARNING: DEPRESSION

Numb Afraid Overwhelmed Paralyzed Empty I just Don’t know what do do So I do nothing

I stay here Safe Inside So I cannot make Another mistake Even though I know This, already is one

It’s just… I just… Do I really deserve this life? Am I able To keep moving forward?

They say Be stronger Be confident, Only if it were That easy

I wonder how My feet have not failed me yet How my heart keeps beating My mind is still thinking Or what direction I’m going

They tell me To have trust To have faith To surrender But if it were that easy It would already be done

So where is His will? I wish I could see it If only I could see it.

Sometimes I still ask Why? I know this pain Does not always have a reason I know that faith and trust Are larger than what I can see

But I still Don’t know what to do On the outside It all looks so easy In hindsight It all makes sense

But inside I feel nothing Because I long for A connection But am afraid So I keep Running away And I say No one cares As it echoes Until it becomes true

Until I Sit here silently Still not knowing What I should do,

Until my heart aches, Until I cry Wave goodbye To what I thought I knew Losing all the hope I dropped along the way

And I become Who I never wanted to be, Someone too afraid To be the real me To live the life He gave me.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

Healing (2021)

Here is a *draft* of a “piecewise” poem that includes photos I took and the thoughts that came with them. I thought I would try something new to help show the healing process I’m currently going through. All of these photos were taken on my college campus in settings very personal to me, and even though it’s not really “complete” I decided to post this for World Suicide Prevention Day. The text version will also be below.

The past burdens That have become my present healing Include the quiet nights Of summer and fall

Where the campus empties And fog thickens, The memories of the cool night's rain Wish again to wash me away

But I, this time At this hour, this night Can see every dim light's glow As I observe quietly, instead of cry

The bell tower tolls Not of death but of life Ringing in the new choir For the new year. - There are many parts, many scenes From the cicadas to the crickets, Here on this lowly road We encounter the loneliness of being alone

The drizzle follows kindly As the dewdrops kiss my lips, It is the simple sounds That become this new symphony - It is peace, protection, and prayer That I stumble upon in this place Here, it was hope That became the flightless bird Perhaps known as the garden of the grave For the one who sits On the soiled stone, He knows not of the fire that burned Or how the rooftops cried Through the darkest night Of how one wrong step Became the light's tragic end - Oh how we hoped Oh how we dreamed That this empty space Is what I dreamed As I chose this path of healing.

The gates of Heaven Refused to open for me, All I had wished for then Was peace With a new perspective To be free - Oh how the grass has grown, And new life, new things Have come to their own beginnings

At least happiness has turned Back towards me Instead of running away

Oh how I wished then To love these beautiful days, For it is here where I found today An unwavering embrace.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

Numb

CONTENT WARNING: Depression

Here are two short pieces trying to describe the feeling of numbness. Please read them slowly, as they were meant to portray the sluggishness of going through life in a deep emotional state.

(1)

Numbness feels Like how music evokes emotion, Except listening and processing The sounds heard Evoke nothing. The heart just beats Soundly, untouched Unmoved by any bass, That aligns with its frequency. That, is numbness, The feeling Of no feeling.

(2)

I am neither alive nor dead I just am

Right now This feeling seems constant

It is just My state of being. I am numb

And if I feel I don’t want to My emotions Are my greatest enemy Followed by My thoughts Then my self-worth Or the lack thereof

Life is overwhelming.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

Touch of Heaven

CONTENT WARNING: DEPRESSION

From functional to Paralyzed and overwhelmed Depression still consumes me

The nights get shorter But the days are still Full of rain

I just wish I knew When this would go away

I’ve been stuck here For far too long, So long that A part of me has died And needs to be reborn To redevelop To grow Again…

This garden used to be Full of seeds Yearning for the sun Growing tall And growing strong But now, It’s full of weeds Wilted, damaged, frail It’s time to start over Once more

Some days I’m too exhausted to put in the work Just to be alive

I go day by day Wondering all the same, I still wish I knew Why I was here.

I only know That the people I’ve met along the way Are the reasons why I stay

I know that Love Is real I know that He Exists I know that Life can be beautiful And that there’s always something Worth living for

But even when I see it That time soon comes to pass Going from present, to past It becomes a memory Skewed in my mind Molded only To be made into lies Eating away at The goodness I still have left inside

So I fight Because I have no choice But to choose Life Every moment Of every single day

Difficult Is an understatement, But in the end I have to know That it’s worth it

Because one day Someday I will feel the safe embrace Of beauty Love Grace, Once again receiving A touch of Heaven Here on Earth.

I wrote this one in January 2019, at a point where I was still overcoming deep depression, but I was at least starting to see that there was a reason to keep going, I would say a reason to find hope but at this stage I wasn’t quite there yet. Just over 2 weeks later I got a job offer which I later accepted, and after that it felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I love looking back at my timeline and seeing all that was ahead of me, and I am thankful I am in a place where I can do so without being clouded by such deep emotional pain. If you are there now, I hope you find your reasons to stay.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

Fruit & Flowers

From flowers To fruit, This tree grows Season by season

Smiling in the summer sun In July To the seeds to sow again In early August

You were never A late bloomer, Just unique And decisive

Almost stubborn You were full of conviction To go against the grain To take heart For what you believed in

You were Ahead of your time, Ahead of the sunset And now you are Ahead of life itself

Bearing more fruit On a simple tree Than I know I will ever Be blessed enough To eat

Yet you still stand out Never tall Among the rest Of these

And I continue to thank you For the little things;

In the flowers you will always Remain And in the fruit you bear You will always be a part Of the infinite tree,

Dropping seeds Every season, To growing flowers Every spring

You have not been reduced To the greenness of nature, rather You have been elevated To the heights of Heaven, Greener than anything I have ever seen

As you bear this fruit That I hope you will share With me, The sweetness abounds In the smell of the flowers That grow to fade away, Only to be born Into something pure again

I will always thank you For being in the flowers, And I will continue to thank you For laying these new seeds

So I thank you again for The unique perspective You have given me, That I once defined as Unworthy to be seen.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

I will love you just the same

From fragrant smells And sweet eyes To tender touch And soft smiles

I’d love to embrace You With all of my life Not just in secret But in broad daylight and Plain sight.

Yet inside me I know I am not ready to be seen For if we were to be locked Behind the closets Closed Beyond the doors and gates, You and I stuck In an intimate gaze Eyes and faces Inches to millimeters away, All confidence and assurance in me Will fade Fearfully To shame

For in the mirror I still see What I know not to be me, As the vulnerability It takes to stare so innocently Is beyond the courage I hold, This is more courage Than I know

This reflection is the anxiety That is blinding and petrifying, Signaling me to pull away From your eyes entwined with mine

To which the other beside me Would have to gently plea, Pry her fingers Out of my hand to caress my cheeks, Wipe away these tears Force me to look into her eyes And say that we Are more than okay, That we are not insane

As the wave of panic sets in A tight loving embrace With whispers it will be okay Is the only way To let it fade away

And when my flushed face Becomes whole again, You will lift my chin Bow your glimmering eyes to meet mine Take my hands to softly smooth each line, Turn the edges of your mouth Towards a bashful smile Then delicately place your lips to mine Reassuring me that this fear Will not last through the night.

It will be your face on my forehead Which I will not forget Just as much as how you calm My thoughts in the terrifying silence

This is how I Will learn to seize the day, Love everything beyond a profound gratitude As I learn to love you

It is because of you That I will learn to love this And every season of love That comes with it

For you will be my teacher Yet you will still find a way To grow with me, As I prepare to forge new paths for you And lean into the unknowns I will lift you up Onto these short skinny shoulders

They may be weak But they will give you strength For in exchange for my loyalty and love And the confidence you have instilled in me, You owe me nothing And I will love you just the same.

PLEASE NOTE: This is not attempting to romanticize a potentially unhealthy relationship where someone is closeted and the other is not, it is attempting to display a balance of patience and grace knowing that I have come out to myself, but am actively working through the remainder of my internalized homophobia I have grown up with. This is not based on a real story, this is based on my imagination of what I feel like would happen before my first kiss because I’ve never been in a relationship.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

New Eyes

CW: Some internalized homophobia

Warning: This is 15 pages on Google Docs so it’s long. This is a combination of poems I’ve written over the past year or so (if my timeline is correct) about realizing and processing through some of my past crushes. It took me til version 4 to shift my perspective and not be ashamed of how I felt about these people. It’s kind of depressing to think that it took me no less than 4 years to get rid of the shame surrounding my sexuality, and even still I have my days, but in this case it makes for a nice arc that comes to accept everything by the end. In case you’re interested here’s a brief background on each person. I’m gonna go off since it’s already the length of a chapter of a book lmao.

1. She is literally the reasons for all of this. She was someone who I’ve known since middle school because we were in the “accelerated math group” together. She was always popular, but something always struck me differently about her. During our sr year of high school I sent her a message on Facebook and we had a few conversations on there. We were the only girls in our math class by this time and tbh we had more conversations online than we ever did in-person...we even sat next to each other in class omfg.

2. This one is about a friend I met in college. She was pretty, full of joy, and has a nice smile so I’m a very simple person when it comes to being attracted to people lol. I forced myself to get over it quickly and I’m thankful we still talk sometimes despite never really hanging out outside of the Christian group we were in lol.

3. Damn, this one’s about the friend referenced in “To see her smile again”. She’s literally just too perfect and the day I realized I got butterflies when she walked into the room was the day I fully realized/accepted that okay there’s more to me than being straight. I still don’t know how or why she loved me so well.

4. This one is about a friend I met in college, literally on the first day I was there. We were both in the same orientation group and were both so awkward we somehow stuck around together all 4 years lmao. Idk if she’s just awkward around me only or everyone, but by the end I could feel some kind of unspoken tension between us, especially after we went to see a play for the theatre class we took that was about Stonewall lol. A part of me wanted to say something but another part of me thought that maybe she was in a different place in the same journey of discovering her sexuality. The funniest part is that on Valentine’s Day I think a year ago we DM’ed on Instagram for 5 hours str8 (gay).

5. Aah yes, just another one of my Twitter crushes. Jk the first Twitter crush oooh! It took me like a good 6 months to fully accept said crush and like another 6 months to fully get over it. Truly I wish her all the best and all the healing.

V1.0

Once upon a time, These eyes grazed the truth

They saw the surface They saw someone With so much purpose

A life with a heart Transcending barriers and A mind with the ability To achieve great things

A person so pure Hiding their true self within Yet solid and confident in Serving

It was this willingness Intelligence Freedom To get lost in music and dance Goodness Integrity That led me to believe You were one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen.

And this, Is the truth that these eyes Could see

Objectively, Honestly, Truthfully, As transparently as Any teacher Any observer Any friend Knew you to be.

Yet still, My mind seems To have forsaken me.

What I know now Is what I failed to admit then What I replay in my head Is what I am slowly learning To accept within

It brings me shame To let these emotions Finally come in

And it brings me pain, Because that's not how I want to remember How and why This was perhaps, the "best" end.

I want to remember The objective observations The person we all saw, Not just me

I want to remember Rightfully, The words you said to me

I want to remember How I tried to look inside you So deeply

And how you gracefully Eloquently Opened up to me.

All I hope Is that these memories mean At least half of what they do to you As they do to me.

Even if I Can now look in this mirror And see, Say these words to myself Breathe And let them be,

I will never forget What you meant To everyone You met.

But because I tried To look so deep Because I tried To love you as you were, As you are I ended up finding something Only these eyes now Could see.

I cannot say That I fell in love With a fantasy

Because love Is so vast and deep

But there was A new feeling inside of me An emotion I would hide Because I never wanted it to be Outside For anyone To see.

I look back at these moments That replay inside my mind From every bathroom anxious tear I cried Unknowingly Became the catalyst For this "why"

Why was I so anxious And afraid? But that won't explain Why did I even feel The way that I did?

I didn't want to I pushed it down So easily It took me almost 5 years To finally accept This story That lingered inside of me.

Once I see A heart, soul, human life To love, I jump in wholeheartedly

Because I guess That is just who I am, Who I was made to be.

But I didn't expect That I'd be here Confronting these Treacherous conflicting feelings That to the casual observer Make it seem like It was all for me, Self-motivated Self-intentioned Just to set my eyes on something I could not define At the time.

If not me If I can't believe it, I hope you know Remember And see That regardless of what I felt The words we never said Still give you more Than a thousand reasons To keep on breathing And to keep on being The beautiful person We all knew You'd grow to be.

V2.0

Imagine What this heart can do Imagine What this heart can feel What these eyes Can see inside Before the mind Redraws the lines.

Imagine God's truth Willfully entering the soul Revealing more

Than I could ever know But all that I feel Is beyond words.

Imagine That what is beyond words Is not beyond shame

In fact, Shame has now met these emotions And tainted this love, The love the Lord has given To this heart of mine

This love that was pure Of good intention Is now questioned, Because of the reality, My reality, The way my mind sees

I can only perceive What these eyes gaze upon And the brain processes, filters, Through its many recognized colors

I cannot see What was not meant for me And what is Beyond me.

With these eyes, Imperfect and perhaps blind, They let me look upon a face Labeling it within me as shame Instead of grace

I used to be able to see, What I thought so innocently, Now a darkened fiend Of what was made A friend

What has now surfaced Became lies What has harbored Is judgment Internally, And nocturnal I have become

This is merely Not what I wanted to see But rather A predator where it meets its prey Onlooking the target Ready to strip Its life away

But here, This life is dignity Of the soul across the room Once the prime and primitive Instincts and defense mechanisms activate, There is no more reason, No way That words will ever be able To explain.

This Feels lost Feels lonely Like no one but me Will understand clearly That I love Deeply Wholly I dare say beautifully Whether or not these feelings Are just my feelings Or beyond Only my reality.

Because reality Is subjective Different between both you and me But somehow still We may find common ground Where the images our minds outline Overlap and see the same

It is here, where more than I Can finally understand. It is here, Where words are no longer the enemy But the potion and antidote To this shame

For this shame Has met humility Vulnerability The courage To be me

Even if The whole world will never know I know the whole world Will never understand, I still stand With my heart tall Convicted with truth Rooted in the Lord's Truth That you are so beyond and Better than beautiful It fills me With awe.

V3.0

These new eyes that have seen Change unfolding Have also seen Love unraveling.

From all the sweetness And fondness Of pure untarnished memories, To what I don't know if I know How to see,

This is me Raw and untouched Naked and ashamed To have loved The friend who was Never meant For me.

Blessed was I To have found one So faithful and kind For once not out of reach But yet still Out of my league With all the riches Of intelligence to joy And of course A smile that was not For the faint of heart to see

I have loved before, For it was here I found love In the purest form First, foremost, Of friendship

It was here Where every good thing That resonated inside me Grew tenfold With this unknown blessing That I had fathomed to know Beyond blessings ever received.

Yet, Little did I know, It took courage To love this way. Selfless Never ill-intentioned I tried to be Until the end.

It was generously That she gave me And so kindly Yet humbly I tried to give back Never feeling like What I gave was enough, As she so gracefully Accepted everything Speaking to me without words It was more than enough.

There is not a single soul That I have met Who could ever be Her Anything like her, Who could also be Or will likely ever be My friend.

It was on the days We left, Where our presences departed Where I had no regrets

But it was then When I realized The sadness and grief Was yet the loss Of love, Including the Lord's Love.

It was she, Who lamentably taught me How butterflies felt Inside me All the way To fear and shame Of this very discovery

As well as The best hugs Any person may probably ever give me.

There is no one like her, And there is no one better for her Than her husband, And this I know, It is he who I know To be faithful, kind, Courageous, righteous, Steadfast and Unconditionally loving

But somehow, I ask the Holy Spirit Did you bring her Here To teach me About love, faithfulness, and joy? Did you bring her Here To show me light in the world Once more? Did you bring her here To have a friend for once, To give me courage to speak, To love a friend deeply? And did you bring her here So that I could love so deeply That I found this part of me?

I can still say To this day That I have No regrets About anything I Have written or said To this friend, The greatest gift, A catalyst For this journey, And the one who gives The best hugs With the sweetest smiles I’ll ever be blessed to receive.

V4.0

Once where A new era began, A seed was planted In the mere probability of our existence

We did not find each other We stumbled upon one another In a way where awkwardness Was the main contributor To our similarities

Yet you stayed And I of course, stayed Somehow we relished In a relieving familiarity

Perhaps, It brought us together For that reason.

But what we had And what we have Has grown from a seed,

Watered, waiting We are here Where I never thought we would be: Friends now far away, Yet still able to relate

But even then What does it mean? It may not mean much of anything.

For a fleeting feeling Lines the nerves of my being Extremities tense While the rest of me at peace

For this is the only awkwardness We have known to overcome, Time and time again, —I never know Where your thoughts go

There is so much to be learned So much we will never know But in each other, We have still grown.

Maybe this is the best feeling I would never have known If I were not able To express it freely

Maybe one day Our lives not our hearts Will collide Telling the same story Of who we were always meant to be.

V5.0

To Jade, A jewel of always Every color but green,

Your story is a wonderful epic, Tales of travels That never grow old

They write an unapologetic narrative Of every highest mountain top And every lowest valley

You have climbed as high Just as much as you Have fallen down and cried

And I, I so wished to see and to learn Of every broken piece to your life That you thought you needed to earn

But I, Even with good intentions Fell into a hole I could not climb

I embraced every part At the expense of my joy Only adding To my despair

But you taught me What strength and courage Could be

To say it is easy To wake up every day Without the one Who loved you most Is irreparable As much as he was irreplaceable

To say the scars it leaves behind Are mere wounds of the flesh to be tended to Would simply be a lie

But still I Fell in love with What it could look like To see you wake up every morning And choose life

For there is nothing more brave As the story you write And continue to write.

I still stand by And wish to look upon your life To see how far you've come

But at least I've passed beyond The emotions I feared would last forever

Back then I was confused Back then I was still learning And I thank you for helping me Find who I am

Even if I can never say I fell as deep for love's sake, If I ever find you Stumble upon Or see you I will find the reddest rose And gift it to you

For the honor and memory of your brother And for the honor and memory of you Because sometimes words Will never be enough To describe what will always Be blooming in you (And how you've allowed me To blossom too).

Conclusion / V1.5

Without what happened that night These essays would never have turned to poems

Without the words we never said I wouldn’t have these reasons why I write

You are still as beautiful as the day I met you And the day I left you when I accepted You will remain a memory, not a friend meant for forever Or even for a second

But still, I do not hesitate To smile and be embarrassed Knowing now all That I did not know then That brings clarity, closure, and an end.

I never loved you But I definitely liked you Enough to zone in on Every beat of your heart

Enough to make you see Who you were always made to be And how worthy you are To be you, To be everything you are.

And so here I remain, Content and at peace Knowing I am allowed To never-more be ashamed.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

To see her smile again

It is not her lips That were ever meant To meet mine,

Rather she had The most beautiful arms To ever embrace mine.

I am more content As a friend Than I could ever be Holding her hand

But if I could make a wish I would wish only To see her smile again, And be the joy she finds In everything.

This one is very personal and means a lot to me. It represents 4 years of debating whether I had fallen in love with a friend or not. I still don’t quite know how far, deep, or wide the love I have for her is, but regardless this is me coming to terms with the fact that I only want to be her friend. No matter the butterflies I still get when she texts me, I know her husband is perfect for her and her hugs and smile are all I ever need.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

When the Pope refuses to bless same-sex marriage

It feels like heartbreak It feels like betrayal That the religion and rules Which ensue us time and time again Play the game to cast us out Of the promised land

For only the God of Ages Knows the tale as old as time, Where our darkened hearts find A place to let the light in

Yet if we are the warriors who fight On the wrong side, For who then is left with salvation?

We know not purity of clear-cut clarity, We only know pain, anguish, and shame instead

But when those who hold authority Answer from “Authority,” We cry out never-ending Who was the veil torn for?

Sin may infinitely overflow in the cup From which we ourselves pour, However it seems that We Will never find the answer. It is as if there is only one question that ever remains: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me!?"

[adorabledonutunicorn]

A Kiss in the Rain

As I look Into the distance Of these distant dreams,

Out of the pouring rain I see Passion forming

Something bitter Turned to sour Then sweet, Ripening Under the teardrops Drowned In raindrops, Falling

I see two faces Young and female Forgoing what is familiar Now stepping into The unknown

Upon the stepping stones To the stairs To the porch, Up to, the front door Where shame meets Courage

Upon the doorstep Hands interlocked Laced upwards Then letting go To caress her face She is afraid But leans into What her heart only knows To be true

It is cold It is wet It is imperfect Like she is, But even in these Circumstances, Love decides To win

Even during The downpour, The world outside Becomes erased, Even numb to the quiet Subtle state Of two faces Together, Vulnerable, Against the odds Of destiny and fate

They know that this Is the beginning of something new, They also know That every moment after this Will be different And uncertain

But the cost, At what cost Do you sacrifice All you've known For all you've lost?

In this world, In this life, If only We had the answers To who we really are, Then maybe

We wouldn't long for A slow kiss in the rain So much as A safe place to stay, To say What love really means.

In honor of Pride Month, I will be *attempting* to post more, and post more poems about sexuality/my journey coming to terms with who I am. I decided to start with this one since I wrote it last year in June about a dream I had: two teenage girls on the porch of a big fancy/country house having a moment of vulnerability in the rain. When I first wrote this I didn't particularly identify with either character, I identified with the narrator/the speaker of this poem. But now after a whole year of further reflection and learning, I am perhaps the fourth character: the reader/observer who wishes they were the one experiencing this moment.

Feel free to switch out pronouns if it makes reading easier/better for you.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

God rlly said PUNISHMENT

UGH if uf had just followed covid protocols then maybe the trin worlds 2021 dream wouldn’t be dead

[adorabledonutunicorn]

Hopeful Melodies

When I didn’t know That I needed it

The most important melodies The most important words

Were heard In these ears.

Behold The future

Presented by The past

These recurring patterns With different nightmares

Trap me Inside reality,

The darkest night Of all.

Words cannot save me Crumbling walls will not break me

Yet I can still Breathe.

Inhale. Exhale. Life. Live. Love.

Alive, A love, A light, A note, Turned to hope

In these quiet Crying eyes.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

Shooting Stars

As the fall breeze blows Signaling the end of summer I wish upon the shooting stars Of August's annual show That I could feel A quiet peace Of a new love blossoming

Everything from The friendship Beginnings of butterflies Giggles and smiles On a cool fall's night

I want to Look up at the stars Interlace our fingers And feel the intimate soft glow Of the moon glistening Between our eyes

It is but The softest smile That carries the most love And I cannot wait Until the stars align To bless me with this simple beauty Of a heart encountering A romance for the first time, And Two hearts merging Growing Procuring

Something real Something true Like a quiet storm brewing That takes over the day With the best gifts I never thought existed

Almost as enchanting as A fairy tale But more bright and bold Than any color combination And more powerful than A hurricane

Yet so simple and soft Like a blanket covering our bodies Keeping us warm and close In a moment of music Sung by the symphony of crickets Under the night sky.

I want to look upon your face Without fear, And with only smiles Filling my heart with Peace Comfort Joy Like a never-ending embrace

So I know I am safe Never alone Full of hope Sharing a love Under the stars That we never thought we'd own.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

Daffodils (Eighty Six)

Today I saw 86 kinds and colors Of only the most beautiful flowers That reminded me of you.

I may not know their genus or species Or how many I really found, But over and over again Their colors Are beautiful and bright Vibrant, just like you

When I walked To remember you When I looked at your tree Whenever I sit On your bench Whenever I see your cross When I drive home from work, I remember

And as long as I am here As long as I am Here I will remember Without even needing To think But always needing To write These words Only for you.

Why write? Why do I write? Why do I bother To write these words For no one else to see?

Why be vulnerable, Why write these words Instead of using my voice To speak? Why do I bother To sing in private Or in the confines of My own car?

What do I have to share, If otherwise just for you? What do I have to give? Only the Lord knows What is true.

Recurring Over and over I have these thoughts of your courage Courage to speak Courage to write Courage to trust And courage to love

If you were here today Would you love Who I have become? Would you embrace This heart of mine More than I do, Knowing the Truth Before I even do?

Or would I Be cast aside, Not worthy To be reconciled, For no matter what I do My fate In this faith Is determinate?

I know and I struggle To remember that this Is all about you And not me, I know heaven Is not just a theory Yet somehow This all ties together

The knots seem To never end While the bows Are left far ahead, Beyond me And what these eyes see

So help me to see The 14 flowers I am missing

Help me To find a place in the garden Where you want them to be

Help me to give Each of them a name For your honor and memory

Because someday, I will leave This place Move onto A new life Somewhere else

And even though I know You will always be with me, I cannot be tangibly close Or really know If you still Or ever Miss me.

And for some reason Death feels so final Even though I know It is not the end

Your life on Earth Indeed has come to an end, It is a reason To find hope, here It is a reason To cry, here It is a reason To smile, here And a reason To always remember you Carry the thoughts and memories On this journey.

As my heart breaks Over and over again More often than Once a year for you I will remember to smile still Cry still Find peace, And be still

The night may follow With the dark clouds Always looming behind me, But like the yellow balloons That always made me happy, The string I hold Tethers me to you Just as The flowers always do.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

To Have a Son

A daughter is born To soften a good father’s heart To make him smile To let him hug And learn to protect

A son is born To strengthen the heart of A future man With love for his mom Respect for life And to uphold dignity With grace and light

To raise a boy, a son Into a good man Is a blessing bestowed Onto the faithful, Most loving, Most kind

For if the Lord gave a gift Of softness and awe Should it not be A sweet baby, The mere product Of such love?

To create a life Takes courage: To be vulnerable And pure With all intentions The heart has To serve

To love Is to be vulnerable

The true test of strength Male or female Man or woman Is to be vulnerable.

To grow a man From the dirt and seeds Sowed under sun, He must be showered with love Watered with wisdom Raked with compassion Encouraged with empathy Shown mercy Imperfect grace And unconditional love

Because from the ground He will grow tall But not intimidating Strong and stern With an open heart

He will know light From dark Will have a selfless soul And he will know What it’s like To be afraid of the unknown

But with sweet eyes A soft smile He will confide He will seek He will fight Bravely Yet not alone As fiercely as the women By his side

[adorabledonutunicorn]

A Poem for a Quarantine

How will we treat This season of uncertainty?

Will we embrace it gracefully With open and clean hands?

Or will we still Choose to hate Isolate

Instead of bring each other together Build each other up And become the cohesive Undivided world Beyond boundaries That we all wanted to work towards And achieve?

Let us become More aware of our present Your presence Everything surrounding us The quietness encasing us

And remind us Even isolated We are never alone

We are never alone, Especially now, As the whole world knows Similar circumstances now.

It is ironic how The only time we unite Is when everything falls apart And we have no one to turn to But each other.

So let us love Let us serve Let us dig deeper Into our hearts and souls

Help us Carve out the judgment From our hardened hearts To make space For something new,

Let us be at peace Feel great joy And surround each other With this love we know Help us share this love too, For if it is all we can know About a stranger, About one another,

Then we have truly lived A fulfilling life Giving purpose And the greatest gift We humans can ever give Or receive.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

The Sunset

As the sun sets On this day Darkness looms over the sky Yet again

And the fear of tomorrow Sets in, Creeping Into the uncertainty And anxiety That fuels this worry That steals this hope As well as the joy That tomorrow May otherwise bring With gratitude, With goodness.

But alas, We are here, Consumed in the present With what is yet to come

Paralyzed by What we cannot see.