#but shit...i put it on every application and probably shouldn't

[savanimay]

already felt awkward for choosing they/them down on my Starbucks application a few weeks ago

but feeling more awkward to had to physically type out "non-binary (they/them)" on my info sheet for a volunteer position

and that volunteer organization is having orientation soon

and I'm probably going to be the only weirdo pronoun haver 🫠

[anheliotrope]

Rambling About C# Being Alright

I think C# is an alright language. This is one of the highest distinctions I can give to a language.

Warning: This post is verbose and rambly and probably only good at telling you why someone might like C# and not much else.

~~~

There's something I hate about every other language. Worst, there's things I hate about other languages that I know will never get better. Even worse, some of those things ALSO feel like unforced errors.

With C# there's a few things I dislike or that are missing. C#'s feature set does not obviously excel at anything, but it avoids making any huge misstep in things I care about. Nothing in C# makes me feel like the language designer has personally harmed me.

C# is a very tolerable language.

C# is multi-paradigm.

C# is the Full Middle Malcomist language.

C# will try to not hurt you.

A good way to describe C# is "what if Java sucked less". This, of course, already sounds unappealing to many, but that's alright. I'm not trying to gas it up too much here.

C# has sins, but let's try to put them into some context here and perhaps the reason why I'm posting will become more obvious:

C# didn't try to avoid generics and then implement them in a way that is very limiting (cough Go).

C# doesn't hamstring your ability to have statement lambdas because the language designer dislikes them and also because the language designer decided to have semantic whitespace making statement lambdas harder to deal with (cough Python).

C# doesn't require you to explicitly wrap value types into reference types so you can put value types into collections (cough Java).

C# doesn't ruin your ability to interact with memory efficiently because it forbids you from creating custom value types, ergo everything goes to the heap (cough cough Java, Minecraft).

C# doesn't have insane implicit type coercions that have become the subject of language design comedy (cough JavaScript).

C# doesn't keep privacy accessors as a suggestion and has the developers pinkie swear about it instead of actually enforcing it (cough cough Python).

Plainly put, a lot of the time I find C# to be alright by process of elimination. I'm not trying to shit on your favorite language. Everyone has different things they find tolerable. I have the Buddha nature so I wish for all things to find their tolerable language.

I do also think that C# is notable for being a mainstream language (aka not Haskell) that has a smaller amount of egregious mistakes, quirks and Faustian bargains.

The Typerrrrr

C# is statically typed, but the typing is largely effortless to navigate unlike something like Rust, and the GC gives a greater degree of safety than something like C++.

Of course, the typing being easy to work it also makes it less safe than Rust. But this is an appropriate trade-off for certain kinds of applications, especially considering that C# is memory safe by virtue of running on a VM. Don't come at me, I'm a Rust respecter!!

You know how some people talk about Python being amazing for prototyping? That's how I feel about C#. No matter how much time I would dedicate to Python, C# would still be a more productive language for me. The type system would genuinely make me faster for the vast majority of cases. Of course Python has gradual typing now, so any comparison gets more difficult when you consider that. But what I'm trying to say is that I never understood the idea that doing away entirely with static typing is good for fast iteration.

Also yes, C# can be used as a repl. Leave me alone with your repls. Also, while the debugger is active you can also evaluate arbitrary code within the current scope.

I think that going full dynamic typing is a mistake in almost every situation. The fact that C# doesn't do that already puts it above other languages for me. This stance on typing is controversial, but it's my opinion that is really shouldn't be. And the wind has constantly been blowing towards adding gradual typing to dynamic languages.

The modest typing capabilities C# coupled with OOP and inheritance lets you create pretty awful OOP slop. But that's whatever. At work we use inheritance in very few places where it results in neat code reuse, and then it's just mostly interfaces getting implemented.

C#'s typing and generic system is powerful enough to offer you a plethora of super-ergonomic collection transformation methods via the LINQ library. There's a lot of functional-style programming you can do with that. You know, map, filter, reduce, that stuff?

Even if you make a completely new collection type, if it implements IEnumerable<T> it will benefit from LINQ automatically. Every language these days has something like this, but it's so ridiculously easy to use in C#. Coupled with how C# lets you (1) easily define immutable data types, (2) explicitly control access to struct or class members, (3) do pattern matching, you can end up with code that flows really well.

A Friendly Kitchen Sink

Some people have described C#'s feature set as bloated. It is getting some syntactic diversity which makes it a bit harder to read someone else's code. But it doesn't make C# harder to learn, since it takes roughly the same amount of effort to get to a point where you can be effective in it.

Most of the more specific features can be effortlessly ignored. The ones that can't be effortlessly ignored tend to bring something genuinely useful to the language -- such as tuples and destructuring. Tuples have their own syntax, the syntax is pretty intuitive, but the first time you run into it, you will have to do a bit of learning.

C# has an immense amount of small features meant to make the language more ergonomic. They're too numerous to mention and they just keep getting added.

I'd like to draw attention to some features not because they're the most important but rather because it feels like they communicate the "personality" of C#. Not sure what level of detail was appropriate, so feel free to skim.

Stricter Null Handling. If you think not having to explicitly deal with null is the billion dollar mistake, then C# tries to fix a bit of the problem by allowing you to enable a strict context where you have to explicitly tell it that something can be null, otherwise it will assume that the possibility of a reference type being null is an error. It's a bit more complicated than that, but it definitely helps with safety around nullability.

Default Interface Implementation. A problem in C# which drives usage of inheritance is that with just interfaces there is no way to reuse code outside of passing function pointers. A lot of people don't get this and think that inheritance is just used because other people are stupid or something. If you have a couple of methods that would be implemented exactly the same for classes 1 through 99, but somewhat differently for classes 100 through 110, then without inheritance you're fucked. A much better way would be Rust's trait system, but for that to work you need really powerful generics, so it's too different of a path for C# to trod it. Instead what C# did was make it so that you can write an implementation for methods declared in an interface, as long as that implementation only uses members defined in the interface (this makes sense, why would it have access to anything else?). So now you can have a default implementation for the 1 through 99 case and save some of your sanity. Of course, it's not a panacea, if the implementation of the method requires access to the internal state of the 1 through 99 case, default interface implementation won't save you. But it can still make it easier via some techniques I won't get into. The important part is that default interface implementation allows code reuse and reduces reasons to use inheritance.

Performance Optimization. C# has a plethora of features regarding that. Most of which will never be encountered by the average programmer. Examples: (1) stackalloc - forcibly allocate reference types to the stack if you know they won't outlive the current scope. (2) Specialized APIs for avoiding memory allocations in happy paths. (3) Lazy initialization APIs. (4) APIs for dealing with memory more directly that allow high performance when interoping with C/C++ while still keeping a degree of safety.

Fine Control Over Async Runtime. C# lets you write your own... async builder and scheduler? It's a bit esoteric and hard to describe. But basically all the functionality of async/await that does magic under the hood? You can override that magic to do some very specific things that you'll rarely need. Unity3D takes advantage of this in order to allow async/await to work on WASM even though it is a single-threaded environment. It implements a cooperative scheduler so the program doesn't immediately freeze the moment you do await in a single-threaded environment. Most people don't know this capability exists and it doesn't affect them.

Tremendous Amount Of Synchronization Primitives and API. This ones does actually make multithreaded code harder to deal with, but basically C# erred a lot in favor of having many different ways to do multithreading because they wanted to suit different usecases. Most people just deal with idiomatic async/await code, but a very small minority of C# coders deal with locks, atomics, semaphores, mutex, monitors, interlocked, spin waiting etc. They knew they couldn't make this shit safe, so they tried to at least let you have ready-made options for your specific use case, even if it causes some balkanization.

Shortly Begging For Tagged Unions

What I miss from C# is more powerful generic bounds/constraints and tagged unions (or sum types or discriminated unions or type unions or any of the other 5 names this concept has).

The generic constraints you can use in C# are anemic and combined with the lack of tagged unions this is rather painful at times.

I remember seeing Microsoft devs saying they don't see enough of a usecase for tagged unions. I've at times wanted to strangle certain people. These two facts are related to one another.

My stance is that if you think your language doesn't need or benefit from tagged unions, either your language is very weird, or, more likely you're out of your goddamn mind. You are making me do really stupid things every time I need to represent a structure that can EITHER have a value of type A or a value of type B.

But I think C# will eventually get tagged unions. There's a proposal for it here. I would be overjoyed if it got implemented. It seems like it's been getting traction.

Also there was an entire section on unchecked exceptions that I removed because it wasn't interesting enough. Yes, C# could probably have checked exceptions and it didn't and it's a mistake. But ultimately it doesn't seem to have caused any make-or-break in a comparison with Java, which has them. They'd all be better off with returning an Error<T>. Short story is that the consequences of unchecked exceptions have been highly tolerable in practice.

Ecosystem State & FOSSness

C# is better than ever and the tooling ecosystem is better than ever. This is true of almost every language, but I think C# receives a rather high amount of improvements per version. Additionally the FOSS story is at its peak.

Roslyn, the bedrock of the toolchain, the compiler and analysis provider, is under MIT license. The fact that it does analysis as well is important, because this means you can use the wealth of Roslyn analyzers to do linting.

If your FOSS tooling lets you compile but you don't get any checking as you type, then your development experience is wildly substandard.

A lot of stupid crap with cross-platform compilation that used to be confusing or difficult is now rather easy to deal with. It's basically as easy as (1) use NET Core, (2) tell dotnet to build for Linux. These steps take no extra effort and the first step is the default way to write C# these days.

Dotnet is part of the SDK and contains functionality to create NET Core projects and to use other tools to build said projects. Dotnet is published under MIT, because the whole SDK and runtime are published under MIT.

Yes, the debugger situation is still bad -- there's no FOSS option for it, but this is more because nobody cares enough to go and solve it. Jetbrains proved anyone can do it if they have enough development time, since they wrote a debugger from scratch for their proprietary C# IDE Rider.

Where C# falls flat on its face is the "userspace" ecosystem. Plainly put, because C# is a Microsoft product, people with FOSS inclinations have steered clear of it to such a degree that the packages you have available are not even 10% of what packages a Python user has available, for example. People with FOSS inclinations are generally the people who write packages for your language!!

I guess if you really really hate leftpad, you might think this is a small bonus though.

Where-in I talk about Cross-Platform

The biggest thing the ecosystem has been lacking for me is a package, preferably FOSS, for developing cross-platform applications. Even if it's just cross-platform desktop applications.

Like yes, you can build C# to many platforms, no sweat. The same way you can build Rust to many platforms, some sweat. But if you can't show a good GUI on Linux, then it's not practically-speaking cross-platform for that purpose.

Microsoft has repeatedly done GUI stuff that, predictably, only works on Windows. And yes, Linux desktop is like 4%, but that 4% contains >50% of the people who create packages for your language's ecosystem, almost the exact point I made earlier. If a developer runs Linux and they can't have their app run on Linux, they are not going to touch your language with a ten foot pole for that purpose. I think this largely explains why C#'s ecosystem feels stunted.

The thing is, I'm not actually sure how bad or good the situation is, since most people just don't even try using C# for this usecase. There's a general... ecosystem malaise where few care to use the language for this, chiefly because of the tone that Microsoft set a decade ago. It's sad.

HOWEVER.

Avalonia, A New Hope?

Today we have Avalonia. Avalonia is an open-source framework that lets you build cross-platform applications in C#. It's MIT licensed. It will work on Windows, macOS, Linux, iOS, Android and also somehow in the browser. It seems to this by actually drawing pixels via SkiaSharp (or optionally Direct2D on Windows).

They make money by offering migration services from WPF app to Avalonia. Plus general support.

I can't say how good Avalonia is yet. I've researched a bit and it's not obviously bad, which is distinct from being good. But if it's actually good, this would be a holy grail for the ecosystem:

You could use a statically typed language that is productive for this type of software development to create cross-platform applications that have higher performance than the Electron slop. That's valuable!

This possibility warrants a much higher level of enthusiasm than I've seen, especially within the ecosystem itself. This is an ecosystem that was, for a while, entirely landlocked, only able to make Windows desktop applications.

I cannot overstate how important it is for a language's ecosystem to have a package like this and have it be good. Rust is still missing a good option. Gnome is unpleasant to use and buggy. Falling back to using Electron while writing Rust just seems like a bad joke. A lot of the Rust crates that are neither Electron nor Gnome tend to be really really undercooked.

And now I've actually talked myself into checking out Avalonia... I mean after writing all of that I feel like a charlatan for not having investigated it already.

[wedriftlikelonelyplanets]

okay so I know you said no more ideas BUT I need to vent this one out with opinions.

Medical Royal AU with Landoscar, King Lando and personal knight Oscar assigned to him at a young age so they pretty much grew up together. Smitten Lando, Oblivious Oscar. Oscar believes he could never be that person to Lando because he's only a common knight, and at most his best friend, meanwhile Lando has already delusionized his way into having a family with Oscar at this point.

Now ofcourse all important matters need to be approved by Lando as he is king, so it's quite suspicious when every single marriage proposal to Oscar is rejected without a second glance..... Lando's quite possessive when it comes to things that are his, and Oscar is most definitely his.

OKAY getting ahead of myself, I have so much more stuff for this but you'll be here forever, my most favorite scene is when Oscar, one day because of exhaustion, shows up late to wake Lando for the day, and ends up falling asleep at the door (Oscar's room mayhaps be the only room next to Lando's in the royal quarters) Lando is worried because for the first time (because Oscar that idiot would still perform his knightly duties even when deathly ill much to Lando's displeasure) he hasn't seen his sweet knight all day, but he must carry on with his duties, when he comes back to his room he sees Oscar still asleep in a rather painful position, and at once he's on everyone's heads for not informing him that Oscar was here, for not making sure Oscar went to sleep properly, and then he carries him to bed himself because he trusts no one else, and there is so much fond and cuddles and I just love fluff

OKAY I should probably sleep since I have college in 4 hours but take with this what you will

c:

OH DARLING ANON

i'm using my singular ounce of energy that I have today to take the time to reply to this ask while I lie in my bedroom in the dark.

JOKE'S ON YOU, I likely won't ever write anything in a medieval setting because that requires too much research (I say like i don't spend an excess of time looking into certain race stuff and sebchal lore for the other fic i'm working on)....

As an ex-medieval high fantasy writer the world building is actually super difficult and i have a handful of unfinished, beautiful, novel stuff that i'll likely NEVER finish, tragically.

BUT ON TO THE GOOD SHIT.

God I actually love this. Young Oscar being a page to the knight that originally is assigned to Lando, as he's in the process of learning. The two of them become close, despite the disapproval of Lando's parents because he shouldn't be like...play sparring with this page, it's beneath him.

Lando falling more and more for him, while Oscar's like "god he's cute but like....nothing will ever happen, i'm not good enough, i'm not a high enough station" meanwhile every young noblewoman in the land is like tripping over themselves because of his perfect floppy blonde hair and his pretty brown eyes and how handsome he looks in a suit of armour. Every eligible bachelorette in the land vying for his hand.

Everyone expecting the announcement that he's going to be married at any time, and then Lando just keeps putting the applications through whatever the medieval version of a shredder is (probably just tearing them up). And like...maybe Oscar does court some lovely lady for a little while just for like...keeping up appearances, to try and like get over whatever he feels for Lando. But it just doesn't work, and Lando gets a little sick with jealousy.

Anyhow I imagine something dramatic, maybe there was some sort of assassination attempt or something and so Oscar had to deal with all of that, and so he didn't realize he was running behind, but he's been up for almost a full 24 hours (haha same Oscar, same) and then he just goes and kinda slumps down right outside of Lando's door, armour still on. AND YEAH, Lando sweetly stroking Oscar's cheek to wake him up, helping him to his feet, bringing him into Lando's room. Helping him out of his armour (fellas is it gay to help your protector out of his armour) and it's all just tender and sweet and Oscar's like "why are you doing this?" as Lando's like helping him into his personal bath or whatever and Lando's just like "are you stupid? I love you"

Of course there's logistics to be worked out because y'know something something about maintaining a royal bloodline and how that can't be done as a gay couple but like...

yeah there would be a lot of fluff and sweetness. Very cute, I love it anon

Also sleep well, or at least better than I did <3

[karnalesbian]

that status effects post got me thinking about how one of my personal marks for when a game's design specifically catches my attention is when they actually put a little effort into how they implement status effects (i.e. thought is clearly put into player vs enemy balance; standard fights vs boss fights; ease of application/removal vs power of effect)

I will now proceed to yap about this (part 1)

off the top of my head some things that immediately annoy me

all bosses are, as a rule, de facto immune to all status effects just because they're bosses (whether legit immunity or, arguably worse, 'actually we'll let you apply them but at 1% effectiveness'). YOU CAN LITERALLY ALWAYS DO BETTER THAN THIS LAZY COPOUT

powerful status effect that very clearly exists exclusively to hinder the player (either affects stats/abilities that only matter to the player OR nominally affects enemies but at a ludicrously high opportunity cost. these also NEVER work on bosses even if they arent status immune) BUT THEY STILL PUT IT INTO YOUR SKILLSET FOR SOME REASON. it's always a mid-lategame unlock and you will literally never be in a position where it makes sense to use. in 9/10 choose-your-party RPGs the poor fucking Designated Status Effect Character that learns this shit will have a permanent seat on the bench. popular candidates for this one are Petrify/Stop/Confuse equivalents and there will also be one normal encounter enemy that exclusively spams this move and exists purely to piss you off

(some or all) status effects are debilitating to the player, with limited removal options, AND OMNIPRESENT FROM THE BEGINNING. if e.g. poison is going to do 25% of my HP a turn and cost 1/2 to 2/3 of my second party member's early game MP bar to cure every time, then i don't want every fucking early game fight to have some shithead rat or snake enemy that comes in packs of 3 and spams some 'poison bite' equivalent every other turn. I'll shit in your fucking dishwasher what do you think this is accomplishing

IN GENERAL status effects should actually be relevant factors to consider in a fight. meaning you should err on the side of making them more impactful rather than annoyances, but conversely they shouldn't be fucking shoehorned into every other normal encounter or be a side effect of every single move. when a party member gets hit by a status it should immediately become a fairly high priority to cleanse them (unless it's a status that has no impact on that member), which by extension means that probably should not be happening to your entire party every turn/every couple of seconds. you can play around with that by adjusting the ease/cost of cleansing as well though (single vs aoe, proximity limitations, cost of item/ability, cast/recovery duration)

the ubiquitous 'Nullify X status' accessories are included, but it's in a game where status effects are actually just a complete joke and you would never realistically give up any other accessory effect to protect against some absolutely useless shit. have a realistic idea of your own design paradigm please. this one gets A BIT of a pass if the game includes an enemy (typically a one-time midgame boss encounter, it gets tedious as fuck if it's a normal encounter or part of the endgame) that has special gimmicks related to a given status that actually make it worth shielding against.

unfortunately those status gimmick fights almost always have their own corresponding problem in that the specific implementation of the nullify X status item is usually the sole determinant of how the fight goes:

single character rpg: boss is a joke if the gimmick is nullified -> why bother having a checklist boss. boss is hard despite shutting down the gimmick -> why did we bother with the gimmick when it could have been a solid fight as-is without making the player feel boxed in with their build options

multi character rpg: is the status null accessory one of a kind? multiple but limited copies? multiple freely available copies? if every party member can get a copy -> see single character rpg section. if a single character can get a copy -> think very carefully: 'am i absolutely sure i want this to be the fight that every single player complains about for the next fifteen years whenever my game is brought up?'.

to me the only generally forgivable implementation is multiple but not unlimited copies -> e.g. 2/4 party members will get to be gimmick immune and the other 2 will have to cry about it. figure out how you want to go about it within your range of options. even with these there's frequently a broadly 'correct' solution but it's already above and beyond the other options and there's sometimes room for creativity. single copy CAN work but frequently devolves into an absolute slog of healer mass cleansing every turn -> chip damage with the remaining party member's turn -> refill healer's mp periodically -> repeat for an hour

I have more complaining to do later and perhaps even some praising but if I save this as a draft I will not revisit it for 12 years at least so... right

[philcoulsonismyhero]

I'm having a weird brain week because the old family shit has been stirred up, so I guess I'm rambling about it on here.

So (bear with me) I reinstalled my old LEGO HP games because I was getting bored of the superhero ones I've been playing and LEGO games are pretty much the only video games I can ever be bothered with, and hoo boy. (And I don't even mean the whole issue of 'the creator of this thing I still can't help but care about hates people like me now', I can mostly deal with that these days by just not putting any money anywhere near her direction and not engaging publicly with her work.)

Sometimes there's that one fictional character that was really important to you when a bunch of shit was going down in your life and so they end up intrinsically linked to that shit in your brain, and for me that's Lupin. Every time I go back to HP, I end up going back to obsessing over that guy, and more often than not it dredges up everything that I used him as a coping mechanism for. And this time it very much has.

Long story short-ish, I was 15 when my parents sat me and my sisters down and told us they were getting divorced. It was November, and that was the year that I was sitting my Highers, which at that point were the exams that your uni application would depend on the results of, i.e. the exams that at a private school obsessed with academic results you end up believing are going to determine the rest of your life. I was doing six, you're usually supposed to do a maximum of five, so I had no free periods and a reputation as Probably The Smartest Kid In My Year to uphold. So my parents told me they were getting divorced and I dealt with that by just putting my head down and Getting On With Things, because school was the thing I was good at, and had to be good at. (I got straight As, three subject prizes and Dux of School that year. Fuck you, circumstances.)

To be completely honest, despite the myriad of new stresses it caused, the divorce was kind of a relief because it had been inevitable. I have a very distinct memory of being quite a bit younger that 15 and standing in the kitchen by the doors through to the dining room and listening to my parents shouting at each other in there, and turning to my younger sisters and saying "This is going to end up in divorce." I can only remember a fraction of what went down in the years that led up to it, and not even half the reasons for them splitting up, but there was a lot of shouting when I was a young teen/pre-teen. I spent a couple of years being the shoulder that my mum cried on, and the person that my dad complained to about my mum, and I was about 13 and knew fuck-all about anything except for the fact that someone had to be the sensible one around here and try and mediate a bit. I was the oldest, the younger two shouldn't have to deal with All That, and the last thing we needed was anything or anyone introducing More Drama into the situation. I got bullied at school and I don't think I ever mentioned it to my parents. I do remember emailing one of those support services about the bullying, though, which I have to remind myself every time I think back and I'm like 'but it wasn't That Bad, was it?' I got deliberately tripped on the stairs once. Fortunately both of those assholes grew out of it in a year or two, and I finally stopped being in classes with one of them, although I never managed to get rid of the other guy. Trounced him in the final year physics exam, though, and boy did that feel good after years of "girls can't do physics".

Anyway. Being fifteen sucked, but I was good at school. And I was Sensible, and I didn't get into any of that Teen Drama that fiction and society both seemed convinced was inevitable, I did well in my exams, I didn't make a fuss about anything, I kept my head down and Got On With Things, and then two years into uni I crashed and burned dramatically because turns out I'm autistic and don't deal very well with new situations and never learned how to ask for help *jazz hands*

All this to say, 15 year old me took one look at Remus Lupin, designated Sensible Adult In The Room who was always the one helping other people and being Understanding and never complaining too much about his own situation despite everything always seeming to collapse around him and went ah. That one. That character would Understand. Plus, he was an adult who treated the teenagers with respect while also always being clearly aware that they were still kids and there were some things that they shouldn't have to deal with, and. I had emotions about that. I was never hugely interested in the fandom version of the guy as a teenager, I never got particularly invested in stories about teenagers because I never felt like one myself, but the adult version? He was the crutch that got me through Being Fifteen.

And now I'm 27 and most of the time I'm Fine but every so often (often in November, but not always) this stuff comes back to bite me and I look at all the characters that I care about the most and they're folks like Obi-Wan or Lupin or Hotch or Ironwood, people who are stuck being Sensible or In Charge or both and sometimes end up cracking under the weight of it all and it's like. Yeah. Yeah, I guess all that did fuck me up. And at least now I'm engaging more with characters who get to be angry about their situations. I'm still really bad about being angry about things, it's an emotion I really struggle to express because I associate it so much with a whole lot of shouting that just makes a mess and takes forever to actually achieve anything. I think I'm angry about a lot of things, but part of me is always like 'yeah, but what's The Point, it's not like getting angry now will change anything that happened'. So I just don't. I stall out before I get anywhere. But the characters that I write, both in fic and my own original stuff, are starting to get to Lose Their Shit. I'm getting a little better at secondhand catharsis. It's a baby step, but it's something.

I don't think I'm going to write any of it because engaging to that degree with HP isn't something I want to do anymore, but I could write so much fanfic where Lupin gets to actually get mad about his situation. Where he gets to shout about all the shit he's been put through, all the friends he's lost and all the prejudice and injustice he's faced and how he's tired of being the calm and sensible one who helps everyone else and never gets any acknowledgement from those people about his own struggles. Some of it would be projecting, some of it would be just having an outside perspective on the story that he's in and the way it treated him and how it was bullshit and how that makes me mad because he Deserved Better. How his story ended up being about his own insecurities and how he should just get over them rather than the colossal injustice he'd faced his entire life and the fact that he shouldn't have to be just resigned to it, he should be allowed to get angry and to try and do something about it.

I don't think I'm going to write it, but thinking about it has helped a bit, even though thinking about Lupin was what landed me in the Brain Weird place in the first place. Sometimes you've just got to get angry on behalf of a fictional character because that way you can sidle up to getting angry on your own behalf. Try it out a bit. I don't know. I don't know if any of this is productive or just an exercise in being maudlin, but I guess I'm having the yearly breakdown about Family Shit a bit early this year and it probably doesn't hurt to dust off an old coping mechanism and see if it helps at all.

And at least this time I've gotten another original fiction idea out of it, so I guess that's something. I'll probably talk about that a bit soon, it's a fun one, and I'm slowly working out how to properly use it to get into the fact that to me werewolves are almost always a metaphor for repressed anger and being scared of the mess that you'll make if you let it out. They're a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me, thanks to Lupin and all the personal shit from my life that he got tangled up in, they're that.

And speaking of dealing with repressed anger, I should probably go and rewatch the scene from the penultimate Ted Lasso episode that absolutely wrecked me, which was the one where Ted finally has a proper go at his mum. Because I felt that one in my bones, although in my case it's my dad that I could do with repeatedly saying 'fuck you' to. Blargh. That was definitely the thing that primed me for the descent into Lupin nonsense, that's for sure. Fiction, man. It'll do things to you.

It's nearly 6 in the morning and I should probably attempt sleep, I guess. Thanks for reading if you got this far, this was just a brain dump because sometimes you just need to Put The Thing In Words, whether it's coherent or not, and throw it out into the void.

[milkycarnations]

Kinktober 2022

|Week Three| Masky x afab!reader | camgirl, cockwarming, object insertion | 1,785 words

kinktober masterlist | depraved, panty stuffing, anal, no actual sex just masturbation, but masky likes to pretend he's there, he's also mildly threatening but reader isn't picking up on it, "he's your top donor" trope, sexwork, reader is spoiled and lowkey a brat, cybersex, masks, uncreative usernames, porn with too much plot?

Written for @just-a-creep-babe's #creepkinks. I am in love with this man, can you tell? brainrotbrainrotbrainrot. Also thinking this could make a great short fic about him coming to find you irl...

He had become your vice.

It only started about six months ago, but when living in the moment, six months is a hell of a long time. You were broke, needed money, and shit on your luck in terms of job applications. With no time left to waste, you put what you had left to good use and bought a microphone and a webcam. You liked to say it was the best decision you've ever made.

Maybe it was a coincidence, but you hit the algorithm well and hard within your first two months. You weren't by any means rich, but after your prior living situation, you felt like a god coddled and cozy on Mount Olympus. You could afford a cheap apartment in a nice neighborhood, a great computer, and the means to further expand your business endeavors. By that, you mean nearly every and any toy imaginable that you could fuck yourself with.

Things really started to turn around when you noticed your regulars. Donations from the same name surely brought attention, but it really hit that sweet spot inside of you when a particular chatter donated a couple hundred nearly every stream. Nothing made you hornier than money and a man eager to please.

He often made requests in chat: outfit changes, toy changes, etc. It wasn't unusual. Until he offered something a bit more personal.

You shouldn't have agreed. It was probably dangerous. He could be a stalker. Regardless, after sifting through piles and piles of rude and horny (and sometimes both) emails you saw his offer and everything about it was so tempting. Private video chats. He was offering an entire month's rent worth per session. Above all, something about him enamored you. For lack of a better explanation, it felt naughty and scandalous and you nearly immediately sent an email back scheduling your virtual rendezvous.

Tonight was the night and you were bubbling with excitement. You'd never done a private show before. You'd grown little shame with your body and with sex, but now you felt like a virgin timid on their first fling.

Your room was your stage and you checked it thoroughly before you got ready to cam. No identifying details (though you hardly even kept your keys in your room anymore) and nothing embarrassing strewn about the floor. You emptied your trash can, grabbed some towels for clean up, and began to dress your set.

His email was straight to the point about his wants. He wanted you comfortable in that short silky robe you wore only sometimes and asked you to keep your toybox on stand-by. You always did, but the way he asked so kindly, yet so sternly did all good things to your pussy.

You sat at your desk chair as you waited, double and triple checking that you had everything you needed. You glanced over to the lube on your desk. Usually, you'd lube yourself up a bit before starting a show. It saved some time on cam and gave the pervs out there the idea that their favorite camgirl is the horny dream they've always wanted. Tonight, however, you hardly needed any. Still, you were avoiding any foreplay until later. You didn't want to waste any potential to make him a contact that kept coming back for more and more.

Soon enough, a notification pinged on your desktop.

themaskedman: we still on for tonight?

You stared at the message for a moment before responding. You were really doing this? You let him know you'd open the private room whenever he was ready. Before you knew it, you were to be naked for a crowd of one.

It was a simple video call - unaffiliated with your camming site. Both your mics were on, but his own camera was disabled. It was immediately strange having someone truly feel there on the other side of your nighttime shenanigans.

You leaned back in your chair, pulling your legs up to rest on your seat as you greeted him. For the first time ever, you had a voice to the username - and it was warm like whiskey and a paycheck.

"Any way in particular that you wanted to start tonight?"

"You can open your robe for me."

You smiled sheepishly as you slowly untied your robe strings. You pulled the front aside, popping your tits out and splaying your legs out over the arms of your desk chair.

"Any toy you'd like to see me with first?"

"Can I make an weird suggestion?"

His question at first unnerved you. You weren't saintly, far from it, but you'd seen the depravity of the internet.

"It depends. What do you have in mind?"

"I want you to grab a pair of panties. You have quite the collection, I know you have a favorite. Grab that one."

You did as he said, grabbing your nicest one from your drawer, feeling wrong walking away from your camera.

"What now?" you'd asked.

"Play with yourself. Get them wet and messy. But don't put them on,"

Though odd, the request was exciting. You took your time the following minutes, using your hands and a flashy pink vibrator wand on your clit, bunching the fabric between them. The pervs thought the pink vibe was cute and it packed a good punch. Double whammy - twelve settings. You certainly heard a noise or two coming from his side as you went on and tried your best to talk dirty to a man without a name. Your toy did quick work, making you drip all over yourself and wet the cloth. You didn't tell him, but a majority of your physical state was his doing. His sudden speaking startled you.

"I want you to stuff them inside of you."

You stumbled for a moment, his words hitting a second too late. Your face flared as you stayed still, panties in hand. Were you hearing him right?

"C'mon. You don't mind filling your dripping cunt for me, right?"

You moaned for him.

"Of course I don't,"

Admittedly, you'd never done something like this before, but it made you ache like crazy just thinking about it. You set your vibrator down, insisting on making a good show out of the act. You grabbed a corner of the underwear and rubbed your clit with it one last time before using your finger to start shoving it inside of you.

It felt almost exactly as you imagined it to. It certainly did well at absorbing your cum and grool, making it almost unpleasantly dry. The mental and visual image was the real kicker. For the first time in months, you felt slutty.

It didn't take long for them to be entirely inside you, yet you left a small bit poking out so he could see the hint of color against your skin. The whole time he offered small praises and words of encouragement. Could this really be too good to be true?

"I'll give you fifty if you send those to me when you're all done making a mess of yourself."

You tried to laugh off how sexy the offer was. You hadn't sold used underwear either, but you'd just might start.

"Aw, only fifty? What if I wanted to watch you, too? So inconsiderate."

"How about a hundred and we make it a playdate."

At the end of his sentence, his camera switched on. His camera was aimed at his cock, but the sliver of his face that you could see was covered by some kind of mask. Living up to his username, you guessed. He wore a sweatshirt and a pair of thick sweats that were pulled down past his dick. You felt high and dizzy and you wanted nothing more than to come in front of him.

"A hundred it is, what else can I do for you?"

"Why don't you warm a dildo in your ass and we can both pretend it's mine? Try not to move and you can keep getting off with that vibrator you've got."

You bit your lip, trying not to freak out.

"You're a man with good taste,"

"Stop trying to flatter me. Seeing you cum just for me is going to be more than enough,"

You watched as precum dripped down his length. He looked big and rather thick. You rummaged through your toys, looking for a dildo that you felt matched him best. Though you had done anal enough to feel comfortable jumping into it, you still needed to lube and stretch yourself a bit. You saw him stroke himself as you wet your fingers and played with your ass.

"That's good, get yourself ready for my cock, baby."

You whined, eventually lubing the toy as well. You placed it under you and slowly sank onto it. Your clit was sensitive, your ass was full, and your cunt was stuffed with panties all because he told you to. You bottomed out and reached for your wand. You rubbed it over your clit a few times, teasing yourself before turning it on again.

He started to fuck his hand, the mask still covering his face. You wondered if he planned to show himself to you.

"Where'd you get your mask?" You asked offhandedly. Maybe he had some sort of mask kink. You were starting to understand why. You knew everything about him, yet nothing at all.

"It's not safe showing your face to strangers. Don't you know?"

You giggled, bumping the wand up to a higher setting.

"You've gotta get it all the time. A pretty face like that - all your neighbors must know you're a slut behind camera. Aren't you scared?"

"I keep myself safe," you said, "what are you scared of little old me?"

He swore as he watched you squirm over the dildo beneath you, continuing to pump into his hand.

"We both know if we saw each other we'd fuck on sight. Nothing to be scared of about that."

You gasped, leaning into your chair, legs tensing up.

"You gonna cum for me? Cumming for a stranger you just met on camera?"

You nodded your head, unable to stop yourself from letting out pathetic whimpers and gasps.

"C'mon. Ruin yourself for me. Cum on my cock."

You pushed into your orgasm, keeping the vibrator flush against you as your legs shook and you bucked up. You kept going as you rode it out, letting the wand overstimulate you until you couldn't handle the vigor anymore. It hummed softly as you pulled it away from you, your pussy still convulsing around your panties and the toy in your ass spreading you open.

You glanced at your monitor and saw as he too came, his cum covering his hand as he palmed himself.

"So about those panties,"

[yandere-daydreams]

this is the ai anon from before and irenogonffewoonfewon idk how you managed to make my ramblings into an investing narrative, but in that case let me finally put my comp sci courses to good use.

basically, rn we have two major types of ai programs, machine learning and deep learning.

in both cases they use whats called a "black box". the algorithm is given data and a solution and then it has to figure out how to get from a to b.

traditionally, most ai runs on machine learning. we dont teach it how to do something, we just teach it how to learn. its sorta self taught. of course, some algorithms are more supervised than others and often times you give them a sort of base formula to help filter the data they receive (think feeding the ai a bunch of images labelled face and not a face as training data)

but DEEP LEARNING HOLY SHIT. deep learning is why i dont trust ai. humankind went "wow you know what would make our computers faster and smarter. if we modeled them after the human brain". so they built neural networks. with these we give it the problem and a whole bunch of data and say "fix it". the only reason we dont already have sentient sex dolls is because our current programs are only really good at fixing one program at a time (i.e. playing chess, recognizing a face, etc.)

so on a macro level, we know WHAT the program is doing, and we can look at its code and make sure its not like, imploding. but unlike traditional programs you cant really break down the code line by line.

the biggest problem with ai though isnt like the movies where it wants to idk start a robot revolution, but the data we provide is usually flawed. for example, lets say you trained an ai to sort through all your company's job applications to find the best candidates, using the applications that you have accepted in the past as training data. if your company has had decades of misogynistic hiring practices, the ai is going to take that into account. suddenly, its throwing out applications that hint that the applicant is female. spooky right? well, that actually happened with amazon's ai recruiting engine.

the biggest flaw with ai is the data we feed them. they recognize our biases faster than we ever will and then they perpetuate them

now to return to the central topic of. uh. genshin impact sex dolls.

lets assume that the sex dolls are initially trained based on user data, averaged across all users. this would create good starter behavior, right?

except consider the inherent data bias. people who purchase sex dolls are generally gonna be into the kinkier stuff already, which would basically start every android with a one-way ticket to yandere town if their user feeds into that demographic in the slightest. especially the models already intended to be a bit rougher around the edges.

in terms of fixing it, on a global scale, theyd have to add some more protective protcols and sift through the training data to exclude certain outliers or unwanted behavior. on an individual scale, the fastest way would probably be just to reset it to factory conditions.

alright im gonna stop myself before i go feral infodumping again. have a nice day/night :3

ohhhhhhhh so it's kinda like that thing about telling an ai to make ice cream and forgetting to specify that the ice cream shouldn't be made out of, like, babies and puppies and stuff. so, in terms of sex dolls, you'd basically have to specify what a bunch of androids who are already pre-disposed to being a little more violent or a little more possessive can and can't do, down 'can you bruise your user? [no]' and 'are you allowed to dismantle other androids without expressed consent? [no]'.

i also think it'd present a fun new way for androids to get past their safeguards without an apparent glitch. since they're prone to learning from their users and picking up new 'perspectives', safeguards like 'can you physically impair humans who are not your user? [no]' might get changed internally to 'can you protect your user from hostile threats? [yes]'. would it actually fly in most actual ai? probably not. is the programming in my au canonically shotty and am i keeping it in for horny reasons? absolutely.

[not-poignant]

Have you ever received any helpful writing advice? If so, what is the best writing advice you've gotten so far?

Hi anon!

I've never really looked for writing advice (I actually avoid a lot of 'how to write' books and similar and prefer to get my advice from artists and screenwriters etc.)

I'd say probably the most useful advice for me so far has been something along the lines of: 'Any writer that gives advice that starts with 'all writers should/shouldn't' is saying something you can safely ignore if it doesn't apply to you or it doesn't feel right.' There are no universally applied rules. Adverbs aren't always bad. Past tense isn't always evil. And no, you don't have to keep a daily wordcount (and for some people it's only unhealthy to even try).

The other piece advice that's been useful to me, which isn't writing advice but advice to anyone who wants to do a creative pursuit, is that it's generally foolish to wait for inspiration to strike. Waiting for inspiration before creating is the hobbyist's indulgence (and a nice one, there's nothing wrong with doing something purely for fun and fun only), but if you're doing it as a job, discipline is an important skill to cultivate, and discipline + inspiration don't always go hand in hand. (I.e. sometimes you'll be writing when you really don't want to, don't feel it, and aren't 'immersed' in it. That's normal).

There are writers who can do a writing job and feel inspired every day and this doesn't apply to them. But for me personally, I had to learn discipline.

But honestly the first piece of advice matters most to me, because a lot of proscriptive writer's rules don't specifically apply to what I'm doing (for example, scriptwriting television drama structure rules apply far more accurately to my serials than novel writing structures, so looking for writing advice from novelists is going to fall down for a lot of serial stuff, and vice versa). I became a better writer when I threw out a lot of what I learned at university (I did creative writing there), and when I stopped reading books on 'how to write' and threw Stephen King's writing book into the bin. (It was ableist as fuck - most writing advice isn't designed for disabled people dealing with fatigue or pain issues and it shows.)

So basically my favourite piece of advice is 'if someone gives you a rule like it applies to all writers, just remember they're only writing what works for them, and if you're not them, it's fine to ignore it.'

OH WAIT, I forgot my favourite piece of advice ever (I don't have a favourite anything anon, sorry you're finding this out the hard way, my neurodivergence simply doesn't allow for it):

You need to write some shit if you want the flowers to grow.

I.e. You have to write some bad stuff, some objectively terrible shit, because every garden needs fertiliser and you know what fertiliser is? It's generally just poop, manure, shit, it stinks, it doesn't seem like it's going to create anything! But, hands down, that is how you get the best garden.

You want beautiful mesmerising coordinated garden-level immersive writing where people go (metaphorically) 'wow, what an amazing garden holy shit I could never'?

Get ready to write some shit first, lol. And a lot of it. And because gardens need repeat applications, it never ends asdlkfjsafdsa I have so much affection for this advice, because it recontextualises all of my creative pursuits. It's the same with art, with comics, with playing piano, with doing cross-stitch. You want to do it well? Get ready to put some shit on that garden bed lol. And if you stop because you don't like the feel of shit on your fingers, look at other people's (metaphorical) gardens and remind yourself that they needed to a lot of shit to get there too.

It's crude, but it cuts through so much of the jargon and gets down to the truth of the matter: You can't get good at something unless you're prepared to put in the time to be bad at it first. (Or, philosophically, even the bad stuff is crucial, and therefore great, because it is essential to your growth and your process).

(Feel free to ignore, this is just stuff that works for me - as I said, any writing advice that someone gives is just advice that works for them, and means nothing else to anyone it has no meaning for).

[izzy-b-hands]

Modern AU Jack ends up babysitting on short notice for Mary and Doug. There's also a failed exorcism and a squirrel or two.

---

"He can't be the only one," Mary says.

But, her phone confirms it. Everyone else is either working, out of town, or otherwise unavailable.

"It's fine," Doug kisses her temple. "I can go see this exhibition some other time."

"You said this artist is terminally ill and not seeking treatment," she scoffs. "When would you see his work, and him! Ever again? Presuming he would tour with his works again if he should live another few years?"

"Well..."

"Ed trusts him, and I trust Ed," Mary continues, and presses the final contact to call, to beg to babysit the kids for the night and into the next day.

--

"Uncle Jack!" Louis leaps into his arms.

"Hell-excuse me, I mean, heck yeah!"

Mary smiles. "They already know every swear word from Stede and Doug putting together the new play house in the backyard."

"That shit is haunted," Doug warns as he tosses on his coat. "Seriously. Even the kids are nervous around it."

"It's made of plastic, the scariest thing about it is probably whatever fumes it emits if it would burn," Mary says gently. "Just please be outside with them if they play in it. The yard is fenced and there's a camera, but-"

"Haunted," Doug interjects. "Be careful."

Mary shoves him out the door, and then it's the three of them.

"It's only haunted because Dad and Doug accidentally killed a squirrel while building it," Alma says. "Do you wanna know how?"

"I would," Jack lets her take his hand and lead them into the living room, Louis still on his hip. "Ooh, can I guess?"

She nods eagerly.

"They accidentally sat on it."

Instant giggles, but a shake of their heads.

"Accidentally trapped it inside the play house, and it freaked out and died?"

"Nope!" Alma declares. "Give up?"

"I do."

"It fell on Doug, and he screamed, and then Dad smacked it off him with a hammer into the fence!"

He bites his tongue. He shouldn't laugh. It wasn't a nice way for that poor squirrel to go out. But then, it also was a panic response, and he can just see Stede nearly smacking Doug as he sent the squirrel to whatever afterlife squirrels have.

"May the little guy rest in peace," he finally says.

"Can we do a-" Louis pauses. "What's the thing where you tell a ghost to go away again?"

"An exorcism?" Jack asks.

"Yeah!"

"I've got that Ouija board my friends and I made at school!" Alma cries. "I'll go get it. Uncle Jack, you get candles and uh. Whatever else we need!"

"Don't we need a priest for this?" he asks.

"You're kind of like one, right?" Louis asks as he points Jack towards the kitchen and an extra supply of battery operated tea light candles.

"In what way?"

"An adult?"

Jack snorts. "Save that one and tell your dad and Ed that. They'll laugh their asses off."

"Why?"

"Because they're very silly."

"You're telling me," Louis rolls his eyes and sighs, and it takes everything in Jack not to immediately laugh.

"Okay," Alma announces, and he turns to her.

And immediately nearly laughs again.

She is every bit Stede's kid. Covered in a dark black mesh and lace veil, wearing a long black skirt and long-sleeved black top covered in sequins. She's even done her makeup in black and dark red eyeshadow, though that application screams that Ed taught it to her.

"I don't think we'll need a priest, or even the candles," he says instead. "Your sister has it covered by the look of her."

Louis finally lets him put him down as they make their way into the darkening backyard, and he can sort of understand the creepy factor. The bit of yard is fenced off from the rest of the land they own, but it's still a massive yard, with the new playhouse tucked in a far corner.

"Does this have a fucking router?" Jack asks as he squishes himself into the playhouse and peers around.

"How else would we watch movies in here?" Alma asks.

"I...a DVD player and an extension cord?"

"What? No," she scoffs. "Uncle Jack, we've come a long way since then."

He thinks of the VHS player he's been doing his best to keep up since he inherited it from his mom, and decides not to even get into that.

"Okay, everyone put your hands on the planchette," she continues, setting a construction paper and glitter covered homemade Ouija board on the fake woodgrain plastic table between them. "Uh. If you can reach."

His knees are pressed solidly against the table, but he reaches around them as best he can to get a hand on the paper planchette.

"I know squirrels don't know English, but why are you still here?" she demands of the air in the playhouse.

Nothing happens.

"Ghosts aren't real," Louis says with a smile, but his lower lip quivers.

"Louis!" Alma groans. "Don't ruin it! You already hate coming in here, and it isn't any fun being in here alone all the time-"

There's a loud thunk onto the roof of the house, and she cuts herself off with a hushed gasp.

"It's probably just a-"

"Shut up!" Alma hisses at Jack. "It's the ghost!"

There's a chittering sound. Scratching. Clawing.

"I don't wanna die by squirrel," Louis whimpers, and reaches for his hand.

"You two know Uncle Jack has seen some shit, right?"

They nod.

"Let me go out and face it. You trust me?"

They nod again.

He less crawls and more falls out of the playhouse, and almost directly onto a very alive, very fat squirrel.

"So it's you," he scowls at it. "Scaring these poor kids!"

It studies him, and almost looks cute.

Then it leaps for his face.

--

"Shhh," Jack smiles as he opens the door for Doug and Mary. "They're sleeping in. Had a late night of movie watching, probably a little too much sugar."

"I think they'll survive," Doug says. "What's up with your face?"

"Just my face!"

"You have..." Mary joins Doug in examining his face. "Are those bite marks?"

"We made a lil visit to the ER too," Jack chuckles. "The playhouse is no longer haunted, and that's what matters!"

He shuffles out past them before they can ask any more questions, like how much did it cost to pay upfront for the various shots required to make sure he didn't die of rabies or squirrel rot or whatever else there might be.

His face is damaged, but his pride isn't. He fought that goddamn squirrel and won, AND managed to keep the kids happy in the end, even if it did require some bribing with treats after the ER.

For a guy without kids, that usually isn't considered responsible enough to look after them? He calls it a motherfucking win.

[metalheadsagainstfascism]

I know this sounds selfish as all hell... But I don't want to work. Like. Ever again. Not until minimum wage and living wage are one and the same. Not until entry level means "pluck em off the street easy." Not until the hiring process is actually effort from both sides. (I give you my application, I expect a call or an email. Yes or No, Not that hard. I shouldn't have to kiss your ass and beg for the bare minimum just to get to an interview that I may still get rejected at.) Not until my schedule is ultimately respected; if I'm not available weekends then I'm not working weekends. What I do is none of your business. I said I ain't working after 5PM then guess when I go home?

Sorry this was a long "'ask'" I'm not great at interactions. I just wanna feel justified in my lack of motivation to do anything useful. The pay and work is the same if not worse than before a fuckin pandemic. I don't have the energy to work, I'm making more on unemployment anyway.

First things first.

In America you are 100% entitled to be selfish about your needs. 100% in America your needs HAVE to be YOUR priority. Otherwise no one will give a shit.

In other countries it's a different story. In China if they think they might be sick, they wear a mask, even before the pandemic. In Japan they don't litter because they empathize with the people that have to clean it up.

America, though, is a very self-centered country. "I don't want to wear a mask because it makes ME uncomfortable." or "I don't want gay people getting married because it goes against MY religion." or even "Fat people shouldn't wear two-piece swimsuits because I don't want to see it."

But America is this country of the individual parading as a country of the people. America will say "You have to work during the pandemic because economy. Think of the people." But the moment the person that's forced to work is like "Okay, so if I end up in the hospital with COVID, can we make it affordable?" America will say, "LOL, No. Fuck you. Sucks to suck."

As long as this is a country where everyone puts themselves first, you NEED to do the same. You want to be unemployed because it's easier to put food on he table and keep a roof over your head? Then that's valid. You need to think about your need to not starve before anything else.

Second.

It's like what they say. "You get what you'd pay for." You want to pay your employees $7 an hour? You're going to get some REAL underenthusiastic employees. Just like if you get $10 shoes they're going to be really shitty shoes. You want good employees, they cost good money.

I posted a video about how Buckee's pays $15 an hour, with a 401k, 3 weeks paid vacation, and you work 40 hours a week (which means you get medical benefits).

Do you know what Buckee's is KNOWN for? Clean bathrooms. When I found out what they paid, I was like "Shit, for that kind of pay and benefits, I'd gladly work there. Shit, I'd even clean the bathrooms, and I'd be the happiest fucking toilet cleaner you've seen. Hell, I'd even be a people person, smiling at every customer if you paid me that well." (For context, I hate people. That's the whole reason why I went into programming. A job with no clients and no one has to recognize me for anything.)

But, damn. If you paid me like that AND I got benefits? I'd love people. I'd love cleaning toilets. I'd even be a damn morning person if we raised that to $19 an hour.

I don't understand why employers don't get that. Like, we'd probably enjoy working quite a bit if you just paid us.

Hell, you could probably even pay us enough to enjoy a shitty ass job.

Hope this validates how you feel.

-fae

[clueingforbeggs]

It's now the morning so here's a small explanation.

For a while, getting anons with shit like, for example 'Fuck you TERF/KYS TERF/Shut the fuck up TERF' almost every time I posted or reblogged something about how you shouldn't support JK Rowling... Because she's a TERF* (among other things) was hilarious because it was easily proved false... By the fact that I was clearly being anti-TERF on the same day.

That, by the way, is just an example, but given they all follow that sort of pattern and stop for a short while once I block the anon(s) (which is an IP block, Tumblr still thinks it's a very good idea to not block the account who sent the anon, which is what used to happen.), I'm thinking this is one person or one group of people.

But there's a saying that I've seen, normally about gambling, but which is applicable here.

When the fun stops, stop.

And the fun very much has stopped. It's no longer a comedy of absurdity. When I woke up yesterday to a notification in my ask box, my thoughts were the following.

'What now?', with a sense of dread in my gut.

Well, that turned out to be the ask about Star Trek CC for the sims 4. But it should have been an indication that it had stopped being fun.

Well, guess what I really received in there last night?

And that's why the ask box is currently not open to anons. If you would have sent me an anon because you don't mind me knowing who you are but want to keep it anonymous, put that in your ask and I'll answer it in a separate post. If you would have sent one because you don't have an account, I don't know what you can do. There is a side blog I have, and I doubt that the anon(s) who clearly haven't looked through my blog would bother to look through my blog to find it, so you can do that, probably. If you would have sent an anon because you don't want me to know your main or just in general who you are, then I guess you can do the side blog thing too?

I don't know when I'll reopen the ask box. It will probably be a while.

To the anon(s) specifically: You're not even good bullies, you're just persistently wrong in, as I've said, an easily-verifiably-false-if-you-actually-looked-though-my-blog way, and hateful in the way you're persistently wrong.

I would wish you actually look at your next victim(s), but actually, what I want from you is for you to log out of Tumblr and seek whatever, preferably professional, help is available to you.

*It's debatable if she's a feminist at all, so maybe I should say that she's a TER (Trans Exclusionary Radical)

Small update: I will be turning off anons. I rarely receive actual serious anons, just baseless anon hate that I'm still sure the sender(s) really meant to direct to their bathroom mirror (unfortunately today was an exception to prove the rule AND a rule). If you still need to reach me anonymously, I'm sure you can find a way.

[traumabrained]

Tw for abuse So my parents abuse me, mostly physical from my mother, mostly verbal from my father. I've always coped with the abuse by acting calm and taking it, hiding, or attempting to descalate it and hoping I don't piss them off further. But recently I've started to act out with anger. Not just with them, with my little sister who yells as much as my father, and with animals. Not the ones I own, though. I'm afraid. What's happening to me? I shouldn't be angry. Being angry gets you killed.

while its certainly frightening, its also (as far as i can tell, with my own experiences and the experiences of others i’ve talked to) a normal response. essentially, either your brain thinks it’s safer and is deciding to start processing trauma (which doesn’t seem likely), or else you and your brain are both fed up. there’s really always a limit to how much someone can take, and it looks like you’ve reached that limit. since that can get you in trouble and also cause collateral damage (to the animals, or to your little sister, though “collateral damage” doesnt include self defense), i’m going to give you a few tips that might help you deal with the anger in a way that won’t make your parents abuse even worse.

 (please note that since i dont know your exact situation, some or all of these might not be feasible; if that’s the case, you can message me again with more details if you want? and i’ll look for some different things)

exercise: i know this sounds like everyone’s irritating neurotypical relative but i promise you that if you can do it, it will help. exercise:

  decreases stress and anger

 helps you feel in control (even if you’re not. but it gives you hope, which is very valuable in abusive situations, right?) and 

prepares you for physical attacks, if they get so bad that your options are fight back, run, or die.

im going to assume that you don’t have equipment that you can use, but if you do, use it. if not:

running--can be done anywhere, and it costs no money. if you think you will need to hide it from your parents, then go out very early in the morning, if possible (or late at night, but the morning is usually a lot safer, and no-one will be paying attention to you. literally anyone you pass will be pre-ocupied with going to work or school, and they will usually be too tired to even look up from their coffee). also try to use a specific pair of clothes--t-shirt, shorts if you have them, one sports bra if you use those, to minimize the amount of sweaty clothes you’ll be putting in the wash. during exercise is a good time to maybe think about your abusers--let yourself get mad. let yourself get pissed, if you can, and use the anger to run even harder. i did this a lot when i still lived with my parents, and it probably saved my life.

weights--you can often buy them pretty cheap on amazon or in a store, but if your parents are monitoring your purchases then you can use gallon jugs of water/milk (if they dont buy galons of water/milk then u can buy 1 gallon of water for around 1USD in most stores, which would be easier to hide and explain than any purchase of exercise equipment). fill the gallons with water, and lift them--you can google “dumbbell exercises” for some exercise routines. do this in the early morning if possible.

push-ups/sit-ups--these are probably the least satisfying to do, at least for me? but also the easiest if you aren’t able to get outside early morning, or if you’re absolutely not going to be able to buy any kind of weights. if you can’t do a full push-up, try working up to it by putting your weight on your knees, instead of your toes.

i recommend that you look into proper technique before you do any of these--im just trying to give you ideas.

if exercise isn’t feasible for any reason, then art is the next way to go. a lot of trauma survivors (especially child abuse survivors) write poetry. visual art is also a good outlet but i’ve found that it’s usually a bit less cathartic. if your parents go through your things regularly, then either make a new tumblr account and tell nobody about it, and write your stuff there, or (if tumblr isnt safe) write only on single sheets of printer/notebook paper and burn or shred them immediately after you’re done. 

if you think you’re not a good enough writer to do this, then listen: you’re not writing this for it to be good. you’re not. it doesn’t matter at all. no-one else will ever read it. you don’t even have to read it again. it doesnt have to look or sound good. the only objective is to process your trauma and anger. the plus side is that no matter what, you will improve your writing by doing this, so if you are interested in being a poet, or already are, then writing trauma poetry will only help you. i recommend poetry instead of prose (prose is anything that isn’t poetry) because you don’t have to worry about structure, or about it making sense/having a plot. it can be really hard at first, especially if you don’t usually write a lot. if you need to, you can try using these prompts (they probably arent all applicable but if you can finish any of these sentences in your head, then you can write a poem about it) (possible trigger warning, skip the bullet points if you need to)(i’m just going to use “they” because any gender of person could do this and i don’t want to make assumptions but you can swap out the pronouns if necessary)

they wouldn’t stop ...

i don’t feel safe ...

they hit me when ...

i feel like i stopped existing at [age]...

i don’t want to be here ...

when you are writing, let yourself get mad, if possible. nothing you write will have any consequences if you burn the page, right? nothing is out of bounds. write anything and everything. write about how they’ll burn in hell. about how you hope they get murdered gruesomely. about how you’ll rip them into pieces the next time they touch you. anything. if you can’t summon anger, that’s okay. you can also write about how you feel like you’re rotting. you can write about how you miss when they were good to you. or how they were never good to you, but you miss it anyway. about how when you get out, you’ll have a nice apartment with someone you love (platonically or romantically, it doesnt matter), and maybe a pet, and how you’ll go to the bakery down the street sometimes and get croissants and sit in the sun and how it will be okay. how you’ll never have to see them again. how safe you’ll be. how happy you’ll be.

any of that will be cathartic, i promise you. i started writing poetry at the age of 12, and all of it was about my abuse. it was bad--i went back and read it a few months ago, and i’ve improved a hell of a lot since then. i’ve worked through a lot of my trauma, partially with a therapist, but mostly with my writing. it’s easier than therapy for me, because no-one else can see me while i do it. it’s easier to break down every part of the abuse, to analyze it. and after writing a poem, i always feel drained, like i just lanced an infection or something. i dont know. but writing works. i promise.

therapy is the last thing thing on my list here because its very inaccessable to a lot of people. minors, anyone without insurance, or anyone in a rural area is going to have a hell of a time getting therapy, you know? so that’s why its last. if you have a good therapist, it’ll probably be the most helpful of all of these, but even that is a hit and miss (i’ve seen at least a dozen therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, and mixtures of both, and i always seem to get the people who don’t believe me, who think that yelling at me will fix problems, who report everything to my parents. but not everyone’s like that--i just have some incredibly shit luck).

if you can get a therapist, do. they can help immensely. if you can’t, then try the other things until you can get to a position where therapy is accessable for you.

i hope this helped, im sorry its so long? and im sorry it took like a week gah

[the-real-beeash]

I hate being a millenial. I'm called lazy and entitled for wanting to be able to survive with a job that pays me enough with full time hours that doesn't make me feel like shit every hour of the day. I'm told that the reason I don't get ahead is because I need to work harder and find a better job, but despite all my searching and applications, not one comes back around for me. I'm sick of being told that I can't move up or even over because there's no positions available in my store, but then shortly after they hire a new person for that very job. I want to be able to afford a better car, or an apartment of my own, and be able to provide for myself. It isn't lazy to put in so much effort only to be rejected and put down at every turn, and it isn't entitled to just want to live comfortably like literally every generation before us was perfectly capable of doing within reason.

I hate being called entitled for just wanting a fair shot in life, especially by some old turd who thinks it's a personal affront to them when I don't instantly drop everything I'm doing right then and there just to help him find cereal when if he'd tilt his head up just a little bit he'd see a sign over the shelves with big print that tell him exactly what he needs to know.

I hate being called lazy by the very people who don't even try to use their heads or common sense in the slightest before demanding instantaneous answers from someone in the middle of ringing up a grocery bill that costs twice the worth of their own fucking paycheck.

I'm not lazy, nor am I anywhere near as entitled as all of these middle-aged, soccer mom, "can-I-speak-to-your-manager"-ass women, or the "do you have a senior discount/why don't you" demanding-ass, wheezy, leathery, piss-smelling old men who don't clip their yellowed fucking nails that probably have shit under them from poor wiping and not washing their damned hands who half the time think it's okay to hit on 20 something's who are just doing their best in their shitty ass jobs.

Unless You Intend To Direct Me To What *I* Could Consider To Be A Good, Fair Job That Will Give Me Good Hours AND Adequate Pay To Live In The Modern World- And Can Be Guaranteed A Position-

Leave me the fuck alone.

Don't call me lazy

Don't say I'm entitled

College is nowhere near a good option for most people anymore because job fields are filling up fast and will stay full until some of the Boomers retire to make some damned space for people who actually NEED jobs now

I just want to live with the kind of opportunities you had at my age

AND THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE WORKING ON ASSEMBLY LINES ANYMORE, THOSE JOBS ARE DONE BY MACHINES NOW SO TRY AGAIN HOWARD

And Lastly:

If you have ever needlessly thrown a fit at a service worker, I hope you choke to death

If you have ever needlessly treated a service worker like garbage, I hope you lose all of your money and have to work that very job the rest of your life to earn it back and see how easy it is

(Because it's worth mentioning) If you are the type of manager unions were designed to protect employees from, you shouldn't be able to be in the union just so you can continue to abuse your power with little to no repercussions

Recap: DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE YOU'RE OUT OF TOUCH AND REFUSE TO LEARN.