#but thats vague as hell so im posting abt this now

[spamsandsuch]

i don’t think i’ve mentioned this before but in my fanon i imagine spam was a pretty good cook pre-big shot days. Like i imagine it’s mom taught him how to cook growing up and they could cook and bake rly well as a result (which the addisons really loved at the time lol, since some either couldnt cook at all or were too busy to cook and usually went out/ordered takeout. Spam didn’t cook for them often but when he did it was a treat (which in a way sort of added to Spam’s ego a bit lol)). though after years of living in the mansion + living in the streets afterwards they didn’t get a chance to really cook so I imagine in afttp spamton would try to pick up cooking again and would be rusty as a result (but the food’s not too bad! Spam remembers some things still!)

[wabblebees]

.

[sun-stricken]

Headcannoms about friendship between Bickslow and Gray? I like to think after the fighting festival he really tries to make it up to Gray.

Gray: ‘we’re chill. It’s fine.’

Bickslow: ‘my babies will now perform a dance of apology’

Also a scenario I’d like to share!

Lucy: hey, Gray I picked up your mail. Why do you have a letter from a modelling agency?

Gray: oh that. I don’t know they just keep sending me them even though I’ve told them no.

Lucy: you’ve turned them down repeatedly?! *while crying inside*

Gray: yeah? It’s weird ‘cause I didn’t even apply.

Lucy: Lucy kick!

i for some reason hadn’t considered the idea of them having a close friendship, but i am now so here! a gift !

i had so much fun with this

* my personal hc is that Bickslows dolls feel a lot of what he himself feels, and also theyre kinda like birds

* so they too try to make it up to Gray, they bring him little things they find, such as shiny rocks, pins, and other tiny objects they find

* Bickslow just nods in approval from the sidelines when they bring them to Gray

* They were both fairly awkward with each other post festival but after Bickslow gave Gray an honest apology they began to turn over a new leaf

* people find the friendship strange tbh, Gray is known as this vaguely calm and like, super normal guy, and Bickslow is just— not

* theyre surprisingly comfortable with each other

* they dont hang out a lot outside the guild, but thats not to say they dont ever,

* While they dont work the best together and it took a while be able to fight along side on another,

* If the Thunder Legion and Team Natsu have to pair up usually they do bc they’re comfortable with each other and trust can go a long way

* theyre both texting fiends, like its a problem how much they message their friends, so when they found out the other was the same oh my god was it a train wreck

* their conversations can go for hours and if you read through them youd probably have an aneurysm because the topics make no sense and Bix doesn’t even try to spell correctly

* They have gotten close and friendly but that doesnt mean theu ever know what to expect from the other, their opinions and thoughts are so different from each other, if rhey ever have the same idea its like all the stars and planet’s have aligned and world is about to end

* Bickslows hair is naturally black and Gray helped him dye it once and they deadass looked they walk out the smurf set for weeks, Bix’s bathroom looked like they murdered a hundred of them

* Gray has an affinity for collecting hand weapons (swords, spears, bows, etc) while Bickslow likes taking apart and building old bombs (actual explosive grenades, land mines, smoke/flash grenades)

* they bonded over it and talked about it in public and terrified about 20 people rhat were in earshot

* theyre both a big hit with kids

* Bickslow gets added to the long list of people who barge into Gray house unannounced

* a lot of the time they will talk (coughcomplaincough) about two different things in the same convo

* Bickslow: the cops were at my door again last night because of the inactive grenade i threw in the fountain, woke me up and everything

* Gray: ugh, i hate that, Natsu blew up a building again and Erza yelled at the both of us

* Bickslow: thats so rude, do you think i should make another one and send it to them?

* Gray: totally, she knew it wasnt me but i still got scolded

so happy ppl have realized how pretty Gray is, now we’re gonna talk abt it bc im an overachiever

* Hes been scouted by plenty of different modeling agencies over the years, which really boosted his ego but very quickly became annoying as hell bc he never even applied

* He gets a couple a month, and he accepted once just to get them off his back and found it really embarrassing bc he was everywhere

* his friends in and outside the guild bought the magazines he was featured in and teased him mercilessly and he never stepped foot in another agency ever again

* Hes really photogenic but hates gets his photo taken, most of the pictures hes in ‘willingly’ hes glaring at the camera

* he now just blocks the numbers they call him on and throws out the letter they send him, if they stop him on the street he will walk away before the conversation even starts

* when Lucy found out something inside her died a little

* she pestered him about it and said she’ll go with him! he wont even have to take the money for it! she’ll take it! 😁

* she gets shot down every time but that doesnt mean she quit trying

[sourcengine]

tumblr is NOT letting me answer this ask directly for some reason so i screencapped it HDFHDG anyways here goes

i vagguelly knew abt otherkin stuff beforehand but that was like. very vague and more in the lense of "eww cringe" bc that was all that was talked abt it

fast forward to me being 16 or so (maybe 17?) and i decide that today on www.tumblr.com im gonna go through the werewolf tag, and between all the art and poems abt werewolves i view a few werewolfkin posts and i go "huh.. thats interesting" bc i only vaguely heard of it but never really looked into it

so i dip my toes into it, and fall into the lake completely, and now im here

from which i will give some advice:

disclaimer: most of this advice comes from a psychological kin perspective, for spiritual stuff i can gather some info if you ask me but overall im not spiritual kin

1: sometimes the answer is not too clear, being alterhuman can stem from many reasons and overlap with many other things, furryness, autism, psychosis, spiritual beliefs, familiarity and importance to an animal or myth, a lot can play into it! for some beings, the experiences are very separate from each other, for others, they may cause each other or be linked or overlap, it can all depend and change around, so dont stress too much on whats what, but if you wish, you can play around and see what belongs to what, ive had the fact im a furry sometimes overlap with the fact im otherkin, and even fuel each other, but i still see them as separate identities, its all a big complicated soup. and i will say to just fuck around and see what labels you see fit

figuring out your kintype can take a while, and its not uncommon that what you first consider to be your kintype may not be the one that you actually feel you are. for example my first through upon discovering kin stuff was that i may be a cat, ive loved cats since i was practically born, ive always wanted to be a cat and themed myself around cats, hell my fursona is a cat! turns out im not one, ive tried and figured stuff out and experimented and well a cat just wasnt it. from this i'd just say to explore different animals or mythic beasts or types of robot etc etc

from that, what has helped me personally to figure out kintype stuff is to see what you desire feel and act, what kind of environment do you crave for? forests? mountains? deserts? theres a lot! what do you wish your body looked like? everyone talks about wanting claws and fangs and such but really think about it, what do you want for your body? what would make you happier? what would make you see your body more as your true self? any particular diet you have or wish to have? any behaviors you've derived from a being? maybe you hiss maybe you bark maybe you knead. do you feel limbs that arent there? such as ears? tails? horns? just look around outside and inside to see what you crave what you do what you want and such

one thing that i did while trying to figure out kin stuff was to just. draw how i view myself in my mind, and not concentrate on design or what i like and dislike on character designs, just like, draw what comes to mind on an "ideal body", you shift around features from the vague idea of who you are in your mind, draw different tails draw different snouts draw different body shapes, and see what fits and sticks, sometimes you can land on yes "thats exactly me", sometimes you can land on "its a vague idea of me but can aid me in figuring it out". thats kinda how it lead to me figuring out im primatekin, i had multiple different attempts and sketches of what i think i look like in my mind, and i just kept going until much trial and error later i found something. it went from "humanoid?" to "halfly animal-like" to "has a long tail" to "small and expressive" and eventually to a primate! (and thats how my mizamonkey design came to be QSHFHD). again for some this may bring a concrete design while to others it may be just a vague guide, not every tip works for everyone.

despite a few points ago where i stated that being obsessed with an animal or myth doesnt always equal to it being your kintype, it sometimes can be! and its sometimes how kintypes can originate to people (if we're taking the psychological otherkin route, this doesnt work too well with spiritual otherkin). sometimes youre just so obsessed and interested with an animal or myth or fiction trope that your brain kinda, adopts it for your identity. this is what happened to me for werewolves, since i was a wee lad ive been OBSESSED with werewolves and i read about them and drew about them and made stories about them that my brain has seemingly just. grabbed it and went "thats you". so look into your childhood or current state of living and see what animals and beings and such you connect with! again just as a few points ago, it doesnt always mean its your kintype, but it can be!

being alterhuman is different for everyone, i sometimes still think of this message i saw ages ago that went "ask 10 therians what being a therian means for them, and you get 11 different answers", so just because this otherkin experiences xyz, doesnt mean everyone does, and vice versa! i used to have a lot of stress about this bc i felt like i was a faker bc i didnt experience like others but after a while i managed to mellow out on it and its making me feel better!

related to that i would be careful about the resources you seek out bc from my experience seeking out resources has been a very 50/50, some tips and advice is great! while others are just why would you follow that. use your critical mind and see what suits you and what helps you.

this is more a personal opinion but i feel like the whole "choosing your kintype" debacle doesnt have a correct and concrete answer. to me if you were to just choose whatever kintype you want it may not actually be the kintype you feel like you are. i would absolutely choose to be a wolverine if i could! but it just doesnt align with my kintype and i cant force it as my kintype even if i tried. i would say that you can "try out" kintypes to see if it fits, its all about experimenting after all. its just that for most, its not as easy as pick and choose. its mainly bc your freely chosen kintype may just not be who you are, if you wanna choose a kintype either way, the community has adopted the term "copinglink" for such. for most alterhumans they did not choose their kintype. again its about trial and error

overall its going to be a lot of trial and error to figure stuff out. it took me 2 years to finally land on my proper kintypes! you may find kintypes and you may drop them. you may find yourself to not be otherkin after all! if you want more personal tips and questions you can message me here or on discord! (but i prefer discord bc tumblrs dm system is kinda cramped and buggy).

[sugarcherriess]

ok i have many things to say and i dont wanna flood ur ask box again so here we go

1. i read ur writing (and everyone else’s tbh) in the voice i think in (this is very clear and def not vague at all ik) actually i think i read everything in the same voice except for dialogue or if its from a voice ik (ex. texts from people irl, tweets with idols’ quotes, etc)

2. i just watched the second off the boyz us tour behind and now i am experiencing post-concert depression despite the boyz not even coming to my country lmao (sobs in pain)

3. continuation of 2 actually. so thats where sunwoo brushed his teeth. interesting approach. changmin was right abt “maybe theres a reason why nobody did it yet” (or smth along those lines idk)

4. i love tbz

5. the amount of raw vocals in that vid🤌🤌🤌

6. tbz comfy airport clothes >>>

7. do you ever think “wow wouldnt it be nice to tie sunwoo up and tease him until big fat tears are rolling down his cheeks” or just me?

8. still head over heels for changmin’s fluffy white hair

9. sparkly boyz >>>

10. refer to 4 but times ♾

11. i actually missed you yesterday lmao i spend too much time on this app for it to be good for me

🫧

THE TOUR BEHINDDDDDDD SO MANY EMOYOWKD BFNFBF EMOTIONSSBDHEBDBD the hair the vocals the visuals… INSANE ALL OF THEM ARE INSANE I 🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦 referring to the fourth part personally ♾ x6

The behind made me so homesick for them for no reason 😭😭😭😭🤲🏼🤲🏼

A hard fuckin yes to number 8 and another hard yes to number 9 and the HARDEST hell yeah to 7. I wish i could draw people well so i could maybe make an illustration of sunwoo like that but alas. So many years of taking arts and thats the only weakness i have… when its the only one i need 😐😐😐

Dont say you missed me im about to jump outta the screen and give you a big ol smooch on the forehead 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕

[bee-mes]

i realized i haven't really done an official one of these sooo..

Introductory Post Baybeee

(Basically just some info abt me & how i plan to use this blog)

So to get the basics outta the way, i of course go by Bee-mEs (just bee is fine, also, it's pronounced mess). Im 15, Aro-Ace, male, and... yea thas about it.

Couple of things,

ONE(1). I do not use the queue so shit will post when it posts.

TWO(2). This blog may have long stretches where i just dont post. Along with days in a row where i just start posting rapid fire outta nowhere, so brace for that.

THREE(3). Any asks that you send me (please send me asks!!) ill respond to publicly, and i might even draw a little guy to answer it if i feel like it

And finally, FOUR(4). This blog (at the moment) is one of the rare and elusive variety blogs (aka. I started posting about homestuck a bunch and now dont wanna go through the hassle of moving people to a separate blog or create one for each individual interest) so I'll tell you some of the stuff you can expect from a blog of this... level of randomness.

homestuck art/related stuff (thats still something i plan to do semi frequently so the few homestuck fans who've followed me don't worry)

art in general (stuff related to my ocs or... something>? Idk characters n shit!)

random vents (by vents i mean the occasional post thats just "UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" with no context given)

And,

misc text posts (maybe just a random vague comment about something or poor attempt at a joke)

Other than that this is about it. Happy scrolling, im gonna go pass out.

-edit, god i was sleep deprived when i wrote this, "male identifying little mf" like the hell? Y'all have full permission to bash me for this dumb post

[catspinach]

so my coworker is a queer, deeply traumatized 18yo and is uh Way Too Open abt everything, and he said our manager told him he had to stop bc its making coworkers worried and also uncomfortable, but he like vaguely mentioned me too? like as though i also do it? and im kinda confused and very anxious now bc uh i am quite open but i dont really mention anything extreme that's going on with me and i only bring up personal stuff in response to other people bringing up similar experiences. my manager saw me today and didn't say anything to me, so idk why my coworker mentioned me and i asked for clarification but they werent very clear ndndjwjw i didnt think i make kms jokes anymore? i did when i was younger but i thought for the most part i have beat it out of my vocabulary, but my coworker insisted that i do?? legit confused on my life lmao what the hell am i doing and saying at work istg i clock in and dissociate for 8hrs and clock out. anyways im scared i might get yelled at for it and i already almost got a write up for missing a shift to go to urgent care (i got a doc note so it worked out but i still inconvenienced them) and ALSO the district manager came in and saw that i wasnt following dress code and he posted the dress code policy to the fridge and we all had to sign it saying we read it and it was a whole thing and now im like. oh no what if i get fired idfk thats always an option thats on the back of my mind. like ig it wouldnt rly matter if i lost my $12/hr drive-thru job lmao but i do really need cash and i havent been able to save money bc of debt:( i like my job and most of my coworkers, but i am considering finding somewhere that pays better:/

[save-the-spiral]

i’ll like, deffo rarely write anymore for these fandoms, and if i do write for them i likely won’t share my work, though i may use these ocs for further projects. a combination of no memberships for either game + no longer being in any fandom discords. I won’t be taking down any fics i’ve written though! I think i’ve only done that like... once and i’d rather keep it that way even if im only reblogging on this blog now.

[gryphsdeadbones]

hey from one nd person to another the comic where fm gordon says a slur seems kind of in poor taste. ik ur not intentionally making light of it and tht occurring in fm should be criticized but while you dont make it out to be a good thing making jokes about it and calling him a "slurboy" is kind of questionable? it makes it seem more like a plotpoint and angst rather than the creator of fm genuinely fucking up in the past (and having moved on from it)! i think exploring fm coming to terms with being nd is a good idea but this isnt the best way to do it. if you want me to explain my point more lmk if/when u post this and i will! someone already made a post abt it but it was kinda strongly worded and i wanted to approach you more calmly because i genuinely dont want to call you out or start drama or anything ;-;

first off thank you for being civil and patient with me i appreciate this ask a lot- also this got long- im not in a flying rage or anything when i bold or emphasis text, i just needed it also for my own readability and since im not the best at wording- hopefully this hellsite works and my response is under the cut

i would like to know how is it in poor taste when freemind explicitly gets clocked at the very end for saying it. the entire point of the comic was to show that saying the r slur has existed in his source and is bad

im not sure how much more direct i can get, with the disclaimer/warning list growing longer and longer and out there for a huge sign that says “this au can get dark as fuck and these subject matters are treated seriously/not something to mess around with.” Like yes, there are some jokes in the asks and other comics, but that specific comic is not supposed to be “haha thats funny”. it has a serious tone using a rough sketch style bc i was super tired and wanted to vent

was it just the direct reference to it that just made people uncomfortable? because thats 100% understandable, and i made sure i tagged it appropriately (although admittedly, a little bit late since i thought the filter would catch at least the main thing)

i think what some people somehow got from it is “exploring sensitive content = endorsing said content” which! that is not the intent! i absolutely do not want people saying that word! I don’t want people thinking that is any way okay for this character to say

its more of a damned if i do address it, damned if i dont.

if it never comes up, people are gonna assume that ‘oh this character says slurs and is shit, surely the creator or fan-creator MUST be okay with it and woobifies freemind and absolves him of any mistakes’ or something like that. no. this asshole has an arc and i want to do it right. its serious and i think it shouldn’t be shoved under the rug

and people just. dont want to read for context for whatever reason. theyll start watching it and get taken aback by the slur and start blaming me ‘hey you never warned for this’ when very early on i keep mentioning over and over ‘you dont have to watch it if you dont want to! This has slurs and 2000s internet brand humor/style’ You really dont, I’m not forcing you to watch it- Literally all you need to know is either canon half life or hl/vrai. thats it. fm mostly follows hl1 with very slight changes.

so i had to make something that:

1. warns people who arent aware and dont want to go through my asks or about/warning pages (for whatever reason) and just want to see the art

2. also NOT downplay freemind’s canon assholery. listen, i kinda despise writing mean and cruel characters, theyre hard to do, and a lot of people get shit for doing it wrong or people going “character = author”

i’ve also considered leaving the bubbles blank, but then people could fill it with whatever they want, then blame me for being vague. or they’d fill it in with a different kind of slur that freemind has never used, even if he MIGHT be the type to do that. I needed to explicitly mention that it is ableist slur. There are shitty racist and other problematic jokes, but never those kinds of extreme racial slurs to my knowledge.

Although I do see your point that maybe joking about it outside of the serious stuff might not be the best route. The slurboy jokes are getting stale, and I will try a better way to remind people.

The thing that gets to me is that it feels people are more than ready to defend either Ross Scott or Gordon Freeman the fictonal character himself. I don’t??? really care for Ross Scott, so I don’t know if he’s ever brought it up specifically. I’m not really calling him out or cancelling him. Idc for some white man’s feelings, im only bringing the timeframe of That era and reworking it to fit in This current era.

And I hate to break it to people: Gordon Freeman is a blank slate character, you can project whatever the hell you want on him as long as it’s not freakshit illegal garbage. The machinimas (fm, hl/vrai) do have SOME characterization that I want to nail down. It fucking sucks when characters are ooc, and I’m trying not to do that, even if it means sacrificing some comfort. But still mostly staying in my comfort zone if that makes sense

Now about the callout that I do not want to engage with the op directly:

Honestly im very surprised the comic was called out when i just. thought my stuff is relatively tame on exploring the bad shit canon freemind does. ive seen him in fancontent where they really dont hold back and its still played off as ‘kinda funny’ tone.

I really don’t know if people just want any reason to hate me for whatever reason. That’s fine I guess, I can’t please everyone and they dont have to like me.

But like. isn’t it so much easier for the op of that to block me and the post and move on. Why kick up such a fuss. I can see that thinly veiled death threat of a vague. That’s pretty fucked up- Like holy fucking god, you do not have to like my stuff. I’m not holding you at knifepoint to like my stuff. I’ve specifically made two different tags (one general au, one specific au) if anyone wants to blacklist it for their own reasons I do not need to know. I don’t want to know.

You’re allowed to be uncomfortable. You’re allowed to unfollow/blacklist/block.

However you just don’t go ranting about it for something you horribly misinterpreted. If it bothers you so badly, literally just. drop me a message to clarify. thats it. or save yourself the time and block me.

I’ve blocked the op for both our sakes, but if anyone wants to send this post to them, then thats fine. I don’t want anything to do with them.

I don’t want to link the post and blow it up. I just want shit clarified, dropped and we can move the fuck on with our lives. 

If you’re reading this and don’t know what the post is, please don’t bother. I do not want people going after the op with threats, please keep it civil, I’d prefer if you don’t engage with the post at all on my behalf.

Despite this huge wall of text, I do not want this to be a big deal, so please don’t ask me about the details.

_

As for anon, feel free to dm me either on here or. Maybe on discord if you’d still like to suggest or have something more cleared up. I’m still willing to hear any kind of feedback, and i want to thank you again for being reasonable about this

[gracefulweather]

i finally found some time to answer u properly !! 😅 why does it always take me like 5 days alfjalfhwl

omg !! did ur album arrive alr? :O mine shipped but all it says is: arriving by december 10 so my guess is it'll get here then :")

oohhh 😳😳😳 my new smau is like .. its ... it has fake dating... and its a uni au..and i am incapable of writing summaries bc i always want to spoil everything lmao 😅

im always thankful that you're so supportive of my works, truly 🥺 esp the ateez smau ! i'll prob b posting more when im done w finals

THE WORLD TOUR AHHHHH i can't believe they're having it !! i'm so excited to see what they perform ! also ateez comeback soon?!?! it was so sudden i thought i was seeing something wrong 😭 but omg u had tickets from 2020??? (but i agree :( i see so many artists having concerts but crowds... and covid...🥲)

PLEASE 😭 i loved ur fic sm i think abt it constantly 😊

i haven't seen hellbound ! i've heard some things abt it, but im not sure if i wanna watch 🤔 did u watch it then?

oof i actually have no idea which tbz series are where 💀 but i have seen that it keeps getting taken down :( wish we could just have the content

yes omg i love the maverick series so much ! it was so fun to watch :D did u watch both eps?

akfhaldskjf thats a v good question 😬 for me, i usually only write for my ult groups so like (atz, tbz, txt, skz) and i find it easier to write for my biases or bias wreckers which is kinda unfair when i only have fics/series for specific members but it just feels more natural (?) to write about them? idk man

wbu??? how do u decide which members to write abt? & is there a group you haven't written abt that u want to?

oohh !! i saw that too ! i think it was kev? but now im so excited to see what they end up performing ! DRINK IT SUPREMACY I LOVE THAT SONG 😍 also saw that hyunjae said he'll do a vlive w sunwoo after the fancon 👀

i think it would b so cool if they did like a movie version where it was just story 👀

i always feel like tbz's promo periods are way shorter than other groups :( maybe they are idk but i also really really want them to rest

wbu? do u like the shorter promo periods?

(also i do love the sea of hyunjae on ur blog 😍)

hope ur taking care of yourself !! sending u lots of love ❤❤❤

OK OK SO U PULLED SUNWOO BUT who else!!! i got jacob id card and poster, eric qr code thingy, then for pcs: sangyeon <3333, kevin, and the bbangnyu for the unit one!! vaguely surprised there's no jumil in any form but my luck has never been great :') wbu!!!

ooOOH fake dating?? 😍 but omg the way you said anyone could be endgame.... are u gonna pull a massive plot twist on us hmmm 👀 OK BUT when y/n said "a whole hour before your wakeup time" to kyu I FELT THAT 🤡🤡🤡 y/n working at a museum tho that's so interesting :O ok u know what i'll just save the feedback for ur inbox instead LMAO

omg both the ateez comeback and world tour dates are rushed HAHA what is kq doing.... i'm still on the fence about going to the concert tho ugH 😭 but thoughts on turbulence?!?? such a pretty but sad mv tho :')

i watched hellbound bc the concept was intriguing, like people are being summoned to hell via these supernatural beings? i expected the characters to investigate everything that was going on but there was a focus on violence without actually solving anything 😭 maybe bc netflix wants to drag it out into s2 tho idkk

ohh for tbz shows i've been using this spreadsheet!! omg bless those admins 🥺 not sure if dnd is still up bc they were saying it was taken down but timeout works!! and YEAHH loved the maverick series it was so much fun, i wish it was longer LOL

oooh i agree it's definitely easier and more natural to write about ur biases or bias wreckers!! although i barely have anything for sangyeon yet oops i sometimes come up with a plot first then figure out which member fits the role best but other times i start with the member then build the plot. hmm as for groups i wanna write for, i was thinking maybe golcha or skz!! maybe when my tbz obsession dies down a little HAHA

OH YEAH the fancon!! hyunjae and younghoon's new hair colours 😍 did u see all the fancams and stuff?! they're so cute i'm glad they got to see fans again ♥ no drink it but we got kingdom come omggg 😭😭😭 actually feel like there's a good chance they'll do kingdom come for year end award shows 👀

hmm i think it's just become a trend to do really short promo periods now? deffs see it in other groups too at least compared to second gen, but i feel like tbz has a short teaser period too LOL. i do think it's a little too short but they're always so busy with other stuff so :')

(we don't speak of the hyunjae there is too much hyunjae on here how did this even happen omg)

but yeahh hope ur doing well!! esp if exam season is coming up for u 😭 stay healthy, don't stress too much <33

[dyketubbo]

idk if you want any reassurance, maybe you dont in which case im sorry, but youre one of the blogs i respect the most on this website tbh. i wish people knew how to respond to opinions they dont agree with maturely like a normal person :/ i hope you feel better soon :(

i dont mind whether people respond or not as long as its not through an rb, and i appreciate it. it just. it wouldnt matter as much to me if they were all my age, i guess? because then itd feel more like im just dealing with my peers, i know how to deal with other teenagers, ive been to school. but, ive checked ages, yeah? and its like. people in their 20s. im not good at guessing ages, but even with the ones who dont have them public it feels like theyre adults, and i dont know. i havent even been 16 for more than a month yet, it feels so gross to me that adults are talking about me Like That because i spoke up abt something that made me uncomfortable. it feels like instead of actually trying to engage with me, theyre just.. trying to One Up me.

i really did try to talk within what i know of the streamers boundaries (and so far, even through all of this all we have is, phils confirmation that he doesnt mind hcs, but again i have complicated feelings on that clip and how the dono was worded that i doubt i could properly articulate in a way that wont add fuel to the fire), i tried to make it clear that i know not everyone who does qpr art was just trying to get away with romantic art and slapping a "not a ship" disclaimer, i tried to articulate that i dont see queerplatonic as equalling platonic, tried to talk about how i just wanted to be respectful towards the ccs and how i dont think anyone who does qpr stuff w them is a bad person, tried to explain my reasonings, tried to explain using my experiences, used examples, established over and over that this was just a personal problem that i wouldnt have elsewhere, etc etc.

and then most of the responses from people who disagreed just felt.. condescending. and i cant even say that i just felt like they were accusatory because thats just fact that they were accusatory. then the whole talking about me thing is just.. disturbing. i get vaguing like, an opinion shared by a group of people, ive done it, obviously. but theres that, and then theres. vaguing someone specific. and stumbling across people vaguing specifically me, getting confirmation that some might not even be giving the courtesy of being vague, sometimes even seeing it because its in the tags of a post i might agree with.. i just wish those people had any sort of sympathy for how that effects people. and it sucks that they managed to vague some paranoid kid with delusions because like, shit dude. theyre making my fears real, yknow? ive been scared my whole life that people hated me, were talking about me. sucks to see i was right.

im gonna inevitably have my ups and downs, but. i dunno, i just hope itll be over by the end of this month. i can barely deal with it now when im at home and have all the time in the world to distract myself with stuff that makes me happy, i dont want to find out whatll happen if this stays a constant when im stuck in school and all i have to distract myself is work and my bigoted ass peers who probably havent even heard the word aromantic in a serious context once in their life. cant believe im starting to wish for summer to be over, but if it means getting out of this hell then shit, september cant come any damn quicker

[tfw-no-tennis]

hunter x hunter thotz so far

soooo ruth and i started watching hunter x hunter woohoo finally! we’re like 10 or so eps in so i decided to collect some thots below on what i think so far (i havent rlly been spoiled so im interested to look back on this once ive watched more)

first off i love gon sm, hes immediately so endearing...hes just a baby!!!! just a little baby boy!!!! hes just so cute and good, im so not ready for him to get put thru the wringer later on as ive vaguely heard happens

the first few episodes were really fast paced which i enjoyed and thought was for the best. the characters came thru really strongly and i feel like we heard juuuust enough about the setting, premise, and what a hunter is 

i wasnt expecting leorio and kurapika to show up in the FIRST EP lmao that surprised me. i love so much how the three of them like IMMEDIATELY became a family unit in like 3 eps lmaoooo it was like ok here are 2 parents and their son bam. also leorio and kurapika having a showdown on the boat (which didnt end up happening) was a wild ride 

i have like zero fucking idea what a hunter is and the more they attempt to explain the more confused i get. its honestly kind of hilarious how little sense it makes. to be clear this doesnt detract from my enjoyment of the show at all (if anything it adds to it)

oh my god fuckgin hisoka is the worst he hasnt done much but i hate him so much already. good villain writing/design so far, hes so hateable

ruth every time hisoka shows up: WE HATE UR PUSSY BIIIITCH 

the character design in this show is....a lot lmao. ruth and i decided its a cross between soul eater, jojo, and one piece in terms of aesthetic. the designs are certainly unique and so many of them are just so ugly hvbjafdbdskgs it reminds me of that post thats like ‘masterpost of jojo characters who look busted as shit’ lmao

i already love this show a lot tbh like the way its structured so far has been kinda atypical for a shounen, at least in terms of fights - we really havent seen a lot of fighting yet. also nen hasnt shown up yet and its reminding me of stands not becoming a thing in jojo until p3 lmao 

anyways in litrally ep1 i already loved the 3 main characters we saw...leorio is a wild dude, i love him sm, especially as a fellow medical binch who wants MONEY. like, thats literally me. and kurapika is also wild, like damn they rlly just dropped their backstory in ep 1 huh. like we rlly are jumping right into this 

also when leorio said he was a teenager i was like WHAT???? just like evryone else which YEA omfg. i cant believe hes that young lmao. kurapika too

so leorio is one of those 19 yr olds who looks 40 and kurapika is the type of teen who looks like a 12 yr old

and KILLUA i love him sm also....hes an adorable assassin catboy and hes perfect. i love how quickly he and gon hit it off (tiny bfs.....) and how hes just like, this extra as hell 12 yr old with a SKATEBOARD and ASSASSIN SKILLS and then he sees gon and is like guess im gonna fall in love 

i gotta talk abt gon again i just love him. hes so polite and cute and kind and good, i just love him...wht a good protag. his motivation is just wild too, hes like well my dad abandoned me to go off and be a hunter (which he isnt even mad abt, what a nice lad) so im gonna do that to see what the deal is

i love how gon (just like the audience) doesnt really know what a hunter does/is and just goes into the exam totally blind lmao. also the fact that his skills seem to include jumping good, being speedy, having the energy typical of a 12 yr old, being a weather sniffer, being nice, and having good instincts/constitution as a result of having eaten random grass and forest shit growing up...amazing. 

is this gonna turn out to be one of those things where its like, wow theyve been using nen this whole time without realizing! tht would honestly explain a lot lmao 

i really enjoy how like....semi-normal the power levels are rn? while also being all over the place and wack as fucks obvs (like hisoka dissolving that guys arms in his first appearance was A Lot, as well as all the card stuff hes done..). like the part wher that blue guys (evil franky one piece) punches the ground and it leaves a crater and everyones like !!!! wow wtf thats unnatural! that literally threw me off bc that kinda thing is so normal in anime lmaoooo. but i like that thats the starting point bc it leaves a lot of room for power escalation w/out it getting too out of hand 

specifially our protags are starting out pretty low on the Shounen Badass scale - especially gon (and leorio, tho i kinda predict he wont be as fight-y? what with him being premed)

i find it kinda hilarious how killua hasnt done too much (aside from murdering those 2 randos in like half a second) despite being so clearly skilled...like when they have to do the 5v5 fight thing in the tower, i wouldve thought hed be the first up cause hes so badass but nope

actually thats what i find interesting - i was expecting all 5 (or maybe 4, we’re in the middle of leorio’s ‘fight’) of the fights to be physical smackdowns but so far nope, theyve been very cerebral. that bodes well, w/how smart the fights have been, bc i doubt the fights will get stale tht way 

tho they might be kinda frustrating sometimes - there are times when u DO just wanna see a good ole fashioned shounen beatdown yknow. but we do get enough of that now (and im sure we’ll get plenty more) to satisfy (like kurapika decking fake-franky) 

oh also the opening. its so charming and cute and i love the song...its also so hilariously basic and classic - like one of those typical 2000s anime openings where theres stock run cycles of all the main characters and theres a little animation of all the characters fighting together (and that fight doesnt actually happen, its just for the op) 

also love that leorios the only one who doesnt fight in the OP, instead getting saved from death by gon lmao. im curious if he’ll end up fighting at all (i assume a little?) and if he’ll use nen (probably healing type nen?) 

also i already wanna fistfight ging for abandoning his perfect angel son. also leorio is literally gons dad already, they even look alike wow 

that guy hanzo has done basically 0 things so far but i rlly like him already, im curious if thatll change. also sorry for calling u ‘hanzo overwatch!?!?!?!’ upon first viewing my guy 

tonpa is str8 up so annoying pls leave u pathetic loser 

tho it cracked me up when he and Evil Mr Clean were facing off and starting getting all detailed/shaded and i was like o shit is he actually badass. are we abt to see like a nen battle or st. but no....lmaooo

i found it interesting that leorio didnt really admit to wanting to be a dr at first...hes such a good dude, he kinda just let kurapika think that his motives were superficial and greedy when in actuality theyre selfless

also wanting to be rich can be a rlly interesting character motivation and i love when its done right

oh my god i cant believe it took me this long to mention the hilariously edge ED....like holy shit, its so 2000s, the song sounds like its been re-recorded like 40000 times bc of how bad the audio quality is, or something, idk how to describe music but its hilariously specific in tone and its rlly funny to see shots of the main characters smiling while this screamo whatever plays in the bg....wow. 

also s/o to killua for being king of edgy with that ‘tear of blood’ shot

i rlly like how much of the plot, especially the early hunter exam stuff, is moved along simply by gon being a good kind polite boy. 

love the fact that he and leorio and kurapika (and later killua) all team up without even saying anything...i love that, most shounen would have them be like ‘che, i cant team up with anyone, i have to prove myself ALONE or my victory wont be EARNED’ or w/e idk. who knows that might happen later but rn i love how they all effortlessly work together (and how they all contribute - without each other they would have all failed at different points) 

oh man also killuas first appearence was so funny when he drank a bunch of tonpas poisoned drinks and was like [smirks] tch, loser, im immune to poison. get dunked on. [skateboard away] i love him so fuckgin much 

omfg that part where killua looks all shoujo/kawaii and is talking abt how hes gonna kill his family or w/e and gon is just like ^_^? i love they

HOOOOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT, BUT 65% OF THE REASON I MADE THIS POST WAS TO MENTION HISOKAS THEME LMAOOOOO his music being like fuckgin, spanish guitar/traditional mexican type music is sooooo goddamn funny to me for some reason, like the first time it played i was like ok whats going ON with this spanish guitar lmao but then i figured out that its his theme and god thats so funny 

hisoka is also so fuckign jojo like he could so easily be in jojo. he and dio would be the fakest best friends ever and would constantly try to kill each other on the lowdown and shittalk each other constantly in private but be super sweet to each others faces. also they would hatefuck. no im not taking criticism bye 

i rlly love everyones backstories also, and i find it interesting that weve gotten to hear/see at least some of all 4 of the MCs backstories. theyre all compelling and interesting and i cant wait to dive in further 

also calling it now but kurapika is totally gonna get way too absorbed in revenge and get fucked up/disregard their own life (maybe in the style of robin in one piece?) we’ll see but i feel like it aint gonna end well. i could be wrong, i really havent been spoiled at all, thats just my guess 

hbahjfbshjf the ep that was called ‘hisoka x is x sneaky’ was SO funny that reads like a dora the explorer ep title 

also i had no idea the ep titles were formatted like that w/the x’s and thats rlly funny 

ok but the part where leorio - who seems to be pretty bad at fighting - tries to fight hisoka - whose literal first appearence involved him effortlessly dissolving a dudes arms - is so fucking funny. leorio rlly b a premed w/no brain cells....same bro. 

also i loved the Cutthroat Kitchen portion of the hunter exam and how not a single contestant was any good at it lmaoooo. do they not have the cooking channel in hxh-verse earth 

ok i love how the main characters are all intuitive in different ways depending on their own skills, like how killua can immediately guess that kurapika has never killed anyone before after they didnt kill evil-franky

kurapika joined killua in the Edgy Corner during that part also. like, they both have legit reasons to be edgy, but the shots of kurapika sitting in the darker tunnel part was kinda funny

also killua, a literal 12 yr old, calling out kurapika for being a murder virgin was pretty hilarious 

ok also i didnt know that madhouse animated hxh which is rlly funny but w/e i love the animation especially the occasional chibi parts and the facial expressions (like killuas ‘i love murder’ catboy expressions) 

oh also when killua murdered those 2 guys and his hand was all vein-y and his nails were pointy, his hands looked like hisokas do...i wonder if thats a legit connection or it hisoka just b getting his nails did 

kurapika talking abt how even seeing a regular spider makes them rlly angry was both very sad and kinda funny. kura u have so many issues god bless 

kurapikas smackdown on evil blue franky was fuckin dope tho. and the red eyes reveal was SPOICY 

rlly love how the individual fights highlights the characters strengths/morals/motivations/whatever....the writing is already really strong tbh 

ugh ok ive ranted enough this is a Lot lmao its so disorganized but w/e 

basically i love this series so far and im rlly curious whatll happen next. also everything seems pretty chill and upbeat so far (relatively) and i know this shit gets dark and im NOT FUCKING READY. 

til next timeeee

[unproduciblesmackdown]

obviously what made hp The Thing isnt so much directly the content as peoples reaction to it esp since nobody cared about books back then (or not so much what was seen as british childrens literature, anyways) and anyways the way people have been constructing stuff around their enthusiasm for the source material has always been and continues to be the best part. seems like once every few months jkr says some bullshit but then i’ll also see some like little text analysis or joke or sick art from some random fan where its like hell fuckin yeah dude!!! like the collective fanalysis should be the new canon author now coz i mean....i mean honestly sometimes jkr says shit abt her own content where its like. did you even read what you wrote or

anyways the fans and their shit has always been the best part. for me when i think of myself of an hp fan im honestly like a fan of the fans. like dont get me wrong, i like the books and i like got caught up in the midst of the great like 3.8 yr break before the fifth book so i experienced all the subsequent Waits. and like part of it was that shit you had to be there for. and i wasnt there for a lot of it actually because i wasnt online enough or extensively enough to like experience the fansites side of things, much less participate in it, and i was only just 13 when the last book came out so its not like i had the options of older fans anyways. forever a touch bitter that for some fucked reason our parents figured that me and my 16 y.o. sister couldnt go to our local borders half a mile from home for the nerd party that wouldve been our first and last midnight book release! sure, the lifetime of abuse was shitty, but thats really why i disown my parents

anyhow, the point is, its pretty cool what all people did back in the day (and still do i guess but like man, when the books were still coming out. things were a thing.) like, the fansites, and the fact we owned books that were just chapter by chapter analysis of the books to make ootp/series predictions, and a book that was dh predictions, and that like some people’s hp thing turned into Their Thing. and shit theyre doing now was from what they were doing back in the day just coz they wanted to for hp and it was fun / their passion and whatever. and someone writing my immortal, which btw is an elaborate joke fic i swear to you. there were lots of good jokes, still are

didnt really set out to go anywhere with this and i clearly havent. it just speaks to me because the only reason im “creative” is coz i like to draw for things im a crap nerd for. so i respect other ppl doing these really passion driven in depth things just from being nerds for hp. making news sites and fan sites and bands and increasingly elaborate ongoing jokes until darren criss ends up on glee, speaking of elaborate ongoing jokes, Oh Shit

i mean i can be and am both a supremely depressed and passionate person and i really connect with people being passionate and earnest, who doesnt, and meanwhile people who are disengenuous or even just really all the time Cool and not in a rad way but in a like, totally unexcitable way, im just not gonna jive w you sorry. no sparks=no sparks

and then also i like hp and i think that what ppl were doing back in the day could be pretty great and i like that some people’s hp shenanigans contributed a lot to continued shenanigans and good for them, tbh. like that hp fanartist i used to know now like being one of those ppl whose art is their career and they’re fancy. and shit. good for everyone. and even if people arent fancy, there was just a lot of having fun and making cool shit that was directly fans to fans and just people doing actually real stuff that wasn’t involved in like capitalism man like shit for free or self sponsored productions of videos or bands or musicals and hell fuckin yeah, its a wasteland out here and there’s not often so much of a chance for people to just be doing shit coz they want to enjoy themselves and connect with other people. thats anticapitalist propaganda

and so anyways on occasion here i’ll see a short little text post or something and go hell fuckin yeah!!!! and jkr tweets something and we’re all like listen if it was just you i’d hate your creation completely by now alright. its always been these guys (gestures vaguely to nerds)

(edit sidenote: i do hate when ppl are like, really serious abt their house sorting though. like i’ll joke argue abt it but thats one hp nerd thing i can never get behind is like ppl who really consider it a major serious identity thing that theyre a ravenclaw or whatevs. like wtf dude. in general the only thing im mostly Serious about is that snape is a punkass bintch. which is pretty funny so)

[nicesideburns]

imma post this here ab my 2 cents abt the animu 

srry my text is for ants on this blog heres a link where its more readable

Devilman Crybaby [SPOILERS]

OKAY I JUST WOKE UP AND PROBABLY FORGOT MOST OF THE STUFF BUT LETS DO THIS SHIT So, I personally enjoyed Devilman Crybaby FULLY as I've been one of the many devilman friends that have been dying for material that stay loyal to the material. And surely Crybaby DID deliver. Although some aspects have been translated to a more 'modern' approach opposed to the 80s. I know just about EVERYONE is like where's the SIDEBURNS and as someone who loves sideburns...sorry that trait kind of burned out way back then. So, I can understand what they were doing with the designs because its Modern times. Especially in anime, there's more different hairstyles that are IN right now that hasn't been the classy 80s look. So, it was bound to change in that aspect. My advice, if you can, indulge on the original material crybaby is based off of. Although some warnings because people have been rightfully mad about the portrayal of the women in the source material (which I will try to cover) as it's heavily present back then as well. Go Nagai has been Known about this issue with his series, so it's sad to say that this was also to be expected. Anyway, I'm getting side tracked just a bit. But the source material and modern Adaption are the same yet different. Also to keep in mind that Devilman was NEVER meant to be happy in the end. Just in case people are upset about the ending Crybaby IS, as I've stated before, the modern take of Devilman and because of that factors to the original story itself has been changed up. In my opinion, it's not a huge issue as I've read all of Devilman and even the OVAs, I believed they touched up on each arcs well. Even translating them into episodes despite making some adjustments to it. Personally, as each episode developed I could easily remember that certain arc of the series and be like God this takes me back. They're different, yet they play parallel with the original source material. I also REALLY can't complain about the pacing because Devilman itself did go that fast (with some bits of moments). In fact, it was one of the key things I was worried about with them dragging certain aspects too long and making things worse. Now let's see one of the things I wanted to touch. The explicit horniness of said subject matter? Primarily how 100000x hornier the demons, typically Sirene, get to gain their Raw Energy to fight. Which I thought was very Weird, since it wasn't like that in the original. Mainly it was, if I'm remembering correctly, left with Akira becoming Devilman. It's kind of a like a more Upped the scales puberty hitting him like a bus because his personality DOES change and he DOES get 10000x hornier. I guess they tried to convey that through the normal teenager looking up porn, masturbating, and engaging sexual activities. Not saying it was right to convey it like that or necessarily wrong because in the original Akira HAS made rather crude remarks toward Miki and even groped her. So it's like I guess this is better. I GUESS. But having it contribute to come demons, like Sirene, felt really I don't know off? In my taste. Especially Sirene because she was Amon's lover before Akira took him away and she wanted him back. I felt they just, as CJ puts it, that horny single desperate housewife opposed to the deadly yet beautiful being demons looked up to. IDK I guess what I'm saying is that it felt weird not acknowledging Akira as Not Amon but instead Amon and engaging with him before attempting to kill him. Even though in the past she KNEW Amon was taken from her and even acted out to take Miki from Akira to (imo) 'prove a point' of having a loved one taking from you. Literally her whole arc is focus on murdering Akira to bring Amon back because thats her lover. Not just...I'm horny n miss that sweet demon dick. When it really was, why did a human TAKE the one powerful thing I've loved type of deal. But I still love her... Another thing I wasn't too happy about was the whole Ryo thing. I guess they didn't want to explore to much on him because it was just 10 episodes and little time to cram everything. But Ryo (like prior to like ep 8 n beyond I think), has done some personal exploration on himself and patching things together on himself. I literally wasn't happy myself when they changed the aspect of him being adopted by some doctor in the original material, but instead some dude he found in Peru. It kind of killed his development and mystery in a sense because in the crybaby verse he's famous and well loved by all. When in the original it was different in terms of that (I can't really explain because my memory is hazy), but he does start off as NORMAL like Akira. (TOUCHING ORIG SPOILERS) Had a dad he believed to be his dad and raised based on research until he noticed his father was being strange. That's why he sought Akira because of the outcome of his father and the research he was doing, so he wanted to dig deeper. But of course, way later in the story as we near the apocalypse, Ryo began to patch things on his own to the relation to his father and the way he talked to him. Not heavily specific but I remember the one famous scene old fans remember when his father attempted to murder Ryo and Ryo remembered it as him going 'mad' from the demon. Yet upon later reflection we come to figure out while what happened to the father is TRUE, the father himself grew to knew that something was wrong with Ryo. That Ryo never was his son and was something Else. Hence, the keypoint of us and Ryo realizing that the father was right and Ryo is something else. It was a shame that had to be cut back and adjusted heavily with Peru to explore that aspect. They did touch on this a bit in crybaby with how Akira struggled being Devilman and facing his own demons, Ryo spent his time reflecting and researching to find out what he was. This wasn't explored as much as I would fancy, but again, 10 episodes. But this has been touched on in the manga where a portion of the time it was Akira's dilemma then to Ryo's. It's probably because they wanted to build onto Akira's character as well as the supporting characters to highlight their importance to one another, especially with Akira. Which I can say I was satisfied with because I appreciated being attached to said characters. I can say for sure I enjoyed their approach with the track team and the focus on familial relationships. I would also like to briefly touch on that rapper guy, Koda or something. I didn't like his approach being the token gay man to later join the demons. It felt tasteless in my eyes to make him like that. But I did enjoy his struggles being a devilman and the loss he underwent to see that, like Akira, still have their human heart and experience grief much like Akira. It was a really nice touch. Also, we gotta talk about the big elephant in the room: Ryokira. Crybaby didn't really focus too much on how close the two was in my opinion and only briefly touched it in the beginning half before shifting more on Akira and his relationships with the others. WHICH IS A SHAME... But people are complaining about how they didn't focus on the gay enough and blahblah fujoshi stuff. But it's limited time. But the two have been shown to be Very close to each other and even points where Akira, himself, would stand up for Ryo even if Ryo clearly did something wrong. Which caused tension between him and Miki because he held Ryo at a high standard than anything which can be shown in old material stuff. The same can be said with Ryo because he legit does like Akira in that aspect (coughgay) but its shown in other portion of the Devilman saga and whatnot. but Ryo is KNOWN to actually LOVE Akira to the point he found Miki distasteful (yeah one of Go Nagais token problems) around him and Akira. Espcially with the final episode, with the whole Mad At Myself scene because it highlights his regret killing the one being he truly loved. It was a damn shame their relationship wasn't explored much to gain that depression strings unless, like me and others, are familiar to the original material and very well known about this beforehand. But it was pretty Vague in crybaby imo. ANYWAY I think I've got some of the key points because I'm worn out and tired.There's probably more I'd like to explore and briefly point out especially with how ass and tiddy it is. But to keep it short and simple it's literally has been like that with Go Nagai's materials sadly and one of his many problems. But I can't touch on it much due to me being sick and my foggy memory but im sure there are others that can expand on this. I've overall personally enjoyed Crybaby as it didn't disappoint and I really did enjoy the new approach on some materials and execution. It's not Perfect perfect but at least it doesn't exaggerate too much with the material like the OVAs have done. The OST was good as hell too. Overall Abel score I'd give it...an 8/10 that's what I'm feeling

[weed-hotel]

welp i got tagged by apollo slimeman @sunshinegoths and I Love Oversharing (even tho i dont even have an abt page lmao)

nicknames: i dont rly have any..... apollo calls me srinivasan bc i like to go by my last name bc Names Suck. my family calls me like silvertunes or silverbells

gender: nah

star sign: virgo not that anyone couldnt tell

height: like 5′7

time: 10:55 according to my laptop but thats wrong its actually 10:48. around when im finishing this its like 11:07

birthday: september 20 i just turned 17

favorite bands: idk like. pvris and fob probably i have rly garbage music taste

favorite solo artists: hozier... i cant remember any more. also porter robinson.

song stuck in my head: i dont have a song stuck in my head rn but. not to sound like A Kpop. all of yesterday i had pretty boy stuck in my head bc of apollo but i dont actually know the song so i just had the “PRETTY BOY” part running thru my head for like. hours. screw u apollo

last movie i watched: i started carol? but i was high and didnt have the attention span for it. last full movie was probably... it (2017)? maybe

last show i watched: master chef. or unhhhh depending on whether one counts Internet Shows.

when did i create my blog: i created it like 2013 or some shit but i didnt use it until like late 2015 maybe 2016

what do i post about: garbage?? idk man lesbian stuff/aesthetic/foxhole court/literally whatever i want this Is My Kingdom

last thing i googled: ...air quality + the ca fires tbh but also ronald reagan bc i wanted to see when he died and if it was painful

do i have any other blogs: nah i barely know how this website works tbh. i think at one point i was gonna make an aes sideblog but then i just stopped caring abt what goes on my main

do i get asks: nah. yall can feel free to but i just. dont very often

why i chose my url: its a quote from jean cocteau’s la belle et la bête (1946). its part of the commands one (belle, in the scene) uses to control la bêtes magic horse. his name is la magnifique.

following: 36

followers: 45

average hours of sleep: honestly like 8-11 and yet im still completely exhausted and low energy all the time so thats cool

favorite number: dont rly have one. maybe 9. its divisible and shit also i think my brother hated that number when he was younger so like. thats a bonus

instruments: used to play cello and that was awesome but i quit idr why. i also sing but i have kind of a shit range so i cant really do anything

what am i wearing: black jeans black tank top and a sweatshirt i stole from my moms boyfriend steve

dream job: i dont really know but tbh i was born white + upper middle class in america to educated parents so i mostly just want to use all that lottery of birth shit to help people. gonna do poli sci in college and hopefully will go to law school

dream trip: ive been vaguely planning (who knows if it will happen) a europe trip for a while. i rly want to start in eastern europe and do kind of a wwii based tour type thing but like. thats expensive as hell and my mom wont let me travel alone. not to be That Guy but my mom and her friend own a house in france + it looks like we might go next summer so that would be cool. also then i could drag apollo and we could Travel Europe like its the damn 1920s and we’re displaced ex pat writers and debutantes struggling to reconcile the atrocity of war with the infinite opportunity of youth

favorite food: ??? no idea it changes all the damn time. i lw really love low quality instant mac and cheese tho. like kraft or some shit

nationality: american. im p much the whitest person on earth too

favorite song right now: idk. i keep listening to we all float down here by four year strong and bodybag by hit the lights but i dont actually like/listen to those bands. also arsonists lullaby by hozier + shelter and years of war by porter robinson. oh i forgot him earlier im gonna add him to the solo artists question. also also whats it gonna be by shura

fuck me this got long. i dont really have anyone to tag but like. if we’re mutuals and u want to Overshare as well feel free to say i tagged u.

[audiovisualrecall]

etsy is so exhausting on an executive function level to upload stuff to and i barely sell anything and its just. so tiring to have to add everything to it i just get overwhelmed and lose interest in actually doing it also bc i cant decide the best way to do so, like listing individual arts and within that the different items the art is available as?? it just takes so much effort to post a single listing mrrrr

i liked listing stuff on my website (i made shop pages!) a lot but its $35/month to be able to take paypal (which is.. so weird.... i can list things for sale for free, but no one can buy them??? idk!) but it was....much easier....

and idk like i feel like with some seo help it’d be easier to find my site/ for ppl to buy art from me thru the website than it is for ppl to find my stuff on etsy where there’s like tons of thousands of listings ....??? idk tho. sighduck

idk im just so bad at executive dysfunction these days i dont have energy for anything half the time except for random things and if i start something half the time i lose energy/motivation/interest halfway thru and dont finish....... which doesnt help the depressive episode bc even tho most of the time my thoughts towards myself havent been v negative, im still feeling BLEH a lot or i dont have the energy to make myself do things like, shower, or message michie back, or really work on the job searching, or anything. ive done some art fight stuff but everything else i just... end up feeling like whats the point? even when i know that’s an illogical thought like uh there’s a lot of points/reasons to do those things and i know that i also deep inside do want to do the things but also over that is a very bleh apathetic depressive disinterest and lack of motivation. and even when i want to not feel like it or try to do something abt it it just comes back like in the morning i feel good and sometimes i have motivation and ive told my therapist like oh im planning on working on this and that other thing today and i wanna work on this other other thing also and then.... like today, just. not do it. i drew a thing that i like. i found a few vaguely interesting jobs and printed them out. i mean yeah, i did help dad with the AC thing but. i opened the tab for the etsy stuff and tried to kidna organize what i have up already and what im planning on adding etc, but then i just was like nope i cant do that now and switched to something else.... like the ac thing took most of the day so i shouldnt be hard on myself for not getting 101 things done today! t was after 5 when we really finished,  i think, and there were dishes to wash and dishwashers to empty and art to draw. but i feel like i should have done more, and i feel like i dont ever finish anything and i cant do anything, i just start things and then lose interest, and family is like u just gotta do it anyway and i just!! i cannot do that!!! bc its not just... losing interest its depression... and i need help to do some of the things. not just told to do the thing. help me break it down, help me figure out a solution, help me by offering support. if i say the etsy stuff and job hunting arent easy and its stressing me out and making me feel awful bc i cant finish anything, dont say nothing is easy, bc yeah i know!! intellectually! but its not that its not easy its that my brain is actively working against me!! adhd + depression = hell time! i mean i didnt mind it that much bc i know what ma means, and she wants to go to bed, but she was trying and was wanting to help and was comforting me, so i dont mind. but in a larger sense, thats not helpful bc none of them are understanding, steph just. tells me ‘treat job searching like a job!’ like how is that helpful??? ive never...had... a real job... b4.... and on top of that adhd + depression = i cant focus on or do things i have no motivation, interest, energy, or reason to do or focus on! i cant!! my brain simply cannot do the thing, and instead of throwing that at me, try to actually help me, sit down with me and go through stuff w me, please. and if u wait for me to mention it tomorrow thats a mistake bc i just wont mention it again until its bed time again..... 

also still mad at steph she works long hrs yes, but she comes home and doesnt want to do anything, bitches abt being asked to wash the dairy dishes many of which were hers, and then complains abt ma not helping clean up the table, like? ma does all the laundry except for steph’s, dad cooks dinner, both split dishes washing - ma washed half of the meat dishes earlier! and then also worked downstairs!