#but then I’m like ok well.. one literally flew here to stay w u for a week ??? shoutout emily x

[suoulfillem]

i may not have many friends that live a short car journey or train ride away from me but i have friends that i would cross oceans to see for just a couple of weeks and friends who would plan trips just so they are in the same country at the same time as me. i may not have many friends near me despite still living in the same town i grew up in, but i know i have many friends dotted around the world, who i spent mere months with, who care for me as though we spent years together. we may have not seen each other for 3 or 4 years, but the joy is still there. the love is still there

[aspiringharlot]

y/n takes takes care of bratty, sub, shiggy.

Ok! Eeeee! I did it! First y/n and first BNHA story done! This one is about a bratty sub Shiggy! There are some points where it’s clear I wasn’t sure what a bratty sub Shigaraki would say but hopefully overtime as I become more familiar with the characters that will change! I think I did this one pretty quickly so, forgive me, there are probably a few mistakes in terms of tense and grammar that I didn’t catch. Another little thing, this story ended up a lot fluffier/mild than I thought I was capable of and I even ended up dropping an L-bomb!

(Story Includes, mention of injury and bullet wounds, bondage elements, brat elements, l-bomb, sneak peek of little spoon Shiggy and of course, sex )

(minors please do not interact)

(tagging @palbabor-writes and @kugutsuu cause they seemed interested, p.s. don’t worry @palbabor-writes public sex and degradation Hawks is up next!)

EDIT: adding @tod0oki to the tags, happy to have you!

Enjoy!

It was hard work, keeping Tomura Shigaraki in line. Sure, you allowed him control on most days, heaven knows he needed to feel some sense of control in his life, but really there was no doubt, at the end of the day, you made the decisions in the relationship. That never stopped your Shiggy from being a brat though.

Today was just as bad as any other day wrangling your lover, only this time with the added difficulty of having to literally prevent Shigaraki from moving as he pleased. Hesitant as you were to admit it, you did not possess the brute strength required for the task. Instead you relied on a sly trick. Tying him up in bondage gear which was typically used on you.

When he was finally secured, Shigaraki whined, pulling at the restraints. Around his narrow wrists were sturdy leather straps, fitted tightly and anchored to the metal bed posts in order to restrict his movements. Your lover was red faced, lying down on his bed, dirty sheets bunched around his sweating form.

‘I should change those out soon,’ you thought before returning your attention to Tomura.

“oh, Tomura, come on… if you refuse to rest Kurogiri and I are just going to keep you tied up longer.” You lowered yourself to sit beside him on the full-sized bed, moving your hand to his head and smoothing his hair down.

Shigaraki grunted, shaking his head out of your hand in defiance. You scowled down at him.

“You know, for a man who’s been shot four times you have far too much energy.” Swiftly you stood up, dusting crumbs of food from your jeans. You really should change those sheets out… If you wait much longer there’ll be an ecosystem thriving in the cotton threads. Meh, you’ll work on it later when Shigaraki is asleep and infinitely more manageable.

Come to think of it, you should change his bandages soon. Kurogiri or the others weren’t around to do it this time, meaning you’d have to tame the beast all by yourself.

“ts.” You clicked your tongue. “I’ll be back,”

You exited the room without giving Shigaraki the chance to retort, heading straight for the kitchen cabinet responsible for holding the everyday vitamin and mineral supplements you’d feed Shigaraki. Now, however, you rummaged past the gummy vitamins, searching for a bottle of Nyquil. Upon its acquisition you turned back on your heel making your way to the bedroom your lover was restrained in. You stopped in the bathroom on your way back, collecting a pair of cosmetic scissors and gauze amongst other wound supplies. As you balanced all the items in your arms you could hear a distinct clanking noise. The noise of the restrains being tested and fought against.

You came back into the room with a sigh, looking at Tomura with dead and unamused eyes. He was fruitlessly trying to decay the leather wrapped around him, his own wrist disallowing the angle to make such a thing possible.

“Could you just, I don’t know… cooperate? Maybe, allow yourself some time to heal so you get better faster?” The eye contact you made with Shigaraki was aggressive. Testy. He smiled, curling his upper lip into a sneer.

“Make me.” He taunted.

You could see the thoughts behind his eyes. His exact line of thinking. ‘What’s y/n gonna do? Put me in time out? Make me stay in here an extra hour so I think about what I’ve done?’

In frustration you made a low noise in the back of your throat- the past two days have been utter hell. First the League’s failure at that dumb hero thing and more importantly, the four bullet wounds permeating your lover. Then there was the 12 hours you spent waiting for an underground doctor to come and dig the lead out of Shigaraki’s skin. That was 12 hours of relentless worry you had to deal with! And now, for the past day and a half you’ve had to deal with Tomura’s mood swings.

Now, it wasn’t that you didn’t understand. You were aware of the crushing feeling of personal failure which came with a train wreck you conducted. Still, you were willing to wait on Shiggy hand and foot, your only request that he allow you to take control and make him better.

But he just had to keep fighting you. Making you take drastic measures.

Your attention is caught up by the straps holding Shigaraki down, reminding you of the nights he would fuck you hard and rough, making you gasp in unrelenting pleasure. When he was done, you’d always be like putty in his hands, laying there blissfully exhausted and compliant. You curl your lips into a grinch-like smile. Of course. There was your ticket to Shigaraki’s submission.

You just have to fuck the fight out of him.

“Okay.” You finally said, nodding your head nonchalantly. “Okay. I’ll make you.” Calmly you set the supplies you gathered on the dresser top across from the bed, keeping only the scissors in your hand.

Coming up to the side of the bed you gave the scissors a few experimental snips, the metal making a distinct phip sound.

Shigaraki pressed himself back into the mattress, raising a scarred eyebrow up when you traced the scissor across the gray cotton t shirt. That single eyebrow multiplied into two as you took the scissors to begin cutting through his shirt.

Shigaraki started to squirm as he felt the cool, stale air of his room settle on his skin.

“What are you-“ you paused your delicate snipping to roughly grab the bottom half of his face in your hand, squeezing him to make his mouth fall open and halt his speaking.

“I’m making you cooperate…” You roughly released his face.

Ignoring his continued struggling, you went back to cutting his shirt open, until you were able to peel it off his body- the sweatpants he wore were next though you were hesitant to cut them. They were a grey pair which hung deliciously low on his hips and slid down lower and lower throughout the day. You decided against cutting them, instead shimmying them down to sit close to his shins. His underwear though, that was fair game. You took it off eagerly and drank in the sight of Shigaraki naked before you.

He was pale, still recovering from the blood loss he’d endured only two days prior, and his skin seemed especially swallow- giving off the appearance of fragility. You knew better however- Shigaraki, as weak as he may seem by appearance alone, was a force of nature.

Today you were making your way to the eye of the storm.

“Is getting me naked supposed to make me listen to you?” Tomura asked, his eyes narrowed to cynical slits.

“No… hah.” You let out a breathless laugh. “But this will.”

You were down between his knees in an instant, breathing hot breath over Shiggy’s cock. Before Shigaraki could fully process what you were doing, he’s hard, not that that was unusual, your lover was an easy guy to excite. Still, despite his nudity, he was not expecting this kind of attention, especially after being such a brat.

You were gentle at first, getting his cock used to the stimulation, stroking it languidly, licking at the slit of his cock a few times. You shuddered in satisfaction when you made your way down to his balls and heard him sigh in pleasure at the sensation of your warm tongue lapping at each testicle. Still, you knew better than to think a simple blow job would tame Tomura Shigaraki, successor of All For One.

For now, as you pleased him, he’d act all bashful but, as soon as you exert full control over the pacing of this intimate encounter, he’d start bratting again. When that happens, you’ll just have to take things to eleven.

“Ohh… fuck…” with a jolt, Shiggy thrust his hips up into your soft hand. To him, the pleasure was a most welcome distraction to the sharp aches of the bullet wounds scattered across his body. He’d been playing stoic about the pain for the past two days, but the wounds felt like hot agony for most of the day. He needed this pleasure.

“Your uh, your mouth.” He said, pinching his eyes up in pleasure. “y/n use your mouth on my cock.”

Immediately you ceased all contact with him. His eyes flew open.

“No.” you said with a shrug.  

Shigaraki scrunched up his eyebrows and wiggled his hips childishly, making his cock swing like a metronome. “Yes!”

You firmly locked your hands on his hips, stilling the movement, “No.”

“W- Why? “ he whined. “Why aren’t you rubbing my cock anymore?” his voice pitched up, revealing how badly he wanted to feel your touch.

“Well,” You start. “You haven’t been very cooperative with me. I mean, why should you make all the decisions? Why do you get to dictate both what you do and what I do, Hmm? That doesn’t seem very fair.” Your own voice took on a condescending lilt and you tilted his head up with your finger so you could properly look into his eyes. His pupils were blown wide with lust and along his temple you could faintly see a pulse point pumping blood in time with the throbbing of his erection.

He wanted it. Bad.

“Let me take care of you, just leave everything to me…” you brought yourself down to his level to softly mutter in his ear. “You won’t regret it, I promise.”

You didn’t have to wait for his response to know what he was going to say.

“Suck my cock, now.” He growled.

You took a deep breath and pulled your own shirt off over your head, not as you normally would, but as women do in tv and movies, all in one fluid motion. Your jeans were next, as you slid them off your bare legs, your panties joining them on the floor moments later.

With the grace of a swan you climbed over Shigaraki, positioning yourself on your hands and knees as you backed yourself up to his face.

“Oh so now y/n’s gonna be a big, strong, woman and make me- mhfmfmfm!” You grinded your pussy against his face, enjoying the psychological pleasure more than the physical. Grinding your labia against any ole thing wouldn’t really do it for you- but knowing that Tomura could barely breathe around your pussy as it sat right on his face gave you butterflies and made your hole start to gush.

“There you go… Good Boy…” You panted. Finally you pulled yourself away from Tomura’s mouth and flipped around, now straddling him cowgirl. In seconds, your hand wrapped around his member and positioned it to slide right in your hole. You sat down and took in the shocked, but pleasure-ridden face of Tomura.

You started to grind your hips down and bounce experimentally. In the past, the two of you have refrained from cowgirl, Shigaraki always wanting to hold full control over the action of fucking your pussy. As he laid back and felt his toes start to curl and twitch in pleasure he wondered if he was an idiot.

“See, Tomura~” you cooed as you leaned down, dangling your clothed breasts in his face. “Wasn’t my course of action so much better? Now you get to feel my wet pussy against your cock, isn’t that so much better?”

At a loss for words Shigaraki nodded his head frantically. He was already close. You smiled.

“So does that mean you’re gonna listen to me? Cooperate and do what I say?” that particular phrasing removed him from his headspace of ecstatic compliance.

“Nuh- No!” he choked out as you bounce faster and harder. Shigaraki started gasping and clenching his eyes shut, trying to block out the pleasure to last longer.

“Yes~ you’re gonna give in to me, Tomu-”

“Nu- oh fuck!”  he shook his head before tensing up, his whole body becoming stiff underneath you as you felt three hot spurts of cum fill your pussy. You chuckled, you didn’t even have to clench down on his cock to make him come, just the sensation of you bouncing on his cock was enough.

You stilled yourself as he laid under you, gauging his reaction to the orgasm.

He was flushed, and still panting heavily, meaning he came pretty hard. You clench down as his sensitive cock remains in your pussy and giggled when he let out a high pitched keen.

“So, are you gonna be good now? Are you gonna stay in bed for me?” Shigaraki blinked heavily, coming back to himself.

“You’re never…hah… going to get me to…hah… cooperate… hah…” His eyes fluttered shut despite themselves. You bit your lip. It couldn’t be helped. You were gonna have to keep riding him.

Just as Shigaraki’s breath started to even out you rose off of him, only to sink back down at full force. Shigaraki was taken out of his cool down by both the pain coming from the irritation of his bullet wounds and the pleasure of his cock being stimulated.

“Whuu? No, no it’s too sensitive!” he cried out. You said nothing, grinding down into him, fucking him like an animal.

As you continued fucking him Shigaraki trembled beneath you, whimpering in unrestrained pleasure, pulling against the leather cuffs which restricted his free reign. The noises he made were downright sinful, varieties of “ah, ah, ah”’s  and “oh fuck, fuck, fuck!”’s being commonly repeated noises.

You gazed down at his face- his eyes rolling around in his skull, frequently fluttering shut only to shoot open when you switched up the rhythm you used. His skin was flushed to hell and back- making him look obscenely cute as he whined out in pleasure, mouth open, drool dripping from the corners of his lips. As you continued looking, you had an epiphany. You loved Tomura. You loved, loved Tomura. You want him to get better and you want to see him let go like this every day.

In the moment you say it.

“I love you.”

Shigaraki flooded your pussy with more cum- gasping loudly as he rode out his orgasm. There’s no way he heard your little confession. And you were okay with that. It’d probably be better to reveal that when he’s not confined to his bed.

You pulled yourself off his cock and felt cum drip down from your thighs. You yourself haven’t cum, but you have accomplished your goal. One look at Shiggy told you that he was too blissed out to fight against your care. Your hand went to rest on his cheek.

“You’re going to be good, yeah? Let me do what I need to do?” you stroked the patch of dry skin under your fingertips.

Shiggy sleepily nodded. Looks like you wouldn’t be need the Nyquil.

Shigaraki laid still as you moved to tend to his wounds- tenderly cleaning them and re bandaging the sore holes. His joints would be sore as well. You decided to uncuff Shigaraki and maneuver his funky gloves on his hands.

When you’re done you pulled your lover’s sweatpants back up and crawl into bed behind him, For tonight you decided against changing the sheets. Instead you got comfortable in the well-used sheets, repositioning Shiggy so he could be your little spoon. You took a deep breath and smelled his hair. It was a little ew, but you didn’t mind. Just as you thought about your revelation, you heard a soft sigh.  

You smiled and cuddled closer, whispering those three words.

“I love you.”

And though you couldn’t see it, Tomura Shigaraki’s eyes widened from their slitted state for just a moment before a soft yet excited smile graced his features.  Slowly, his eyes slid shut again as he relaxed into your arms.

[the-untamed-obsession]

AAA- Changes of Regret h u r t-!! It was so good,,, qwq If it's alright, may I request the reader being brought back to life post Guanyin Temple? Kinda like a continuation but our poor Xichen finally gets some sort of happiness. Stay safe!<3

Haiii!! I kinda couldn’t resist 😅 I hope you like it! It’s longer than the original!

Side note: Alessia and Scarlett are my OCs! They’re my good ocs ^w^

PART 1 HERE

Word count: 2.4k

Changes of Regret II

“It’s here.” The blue-haired woman mentioned as she tapped on a headstone. There were small wisps around her that lit up the extremely dark cemetery. “(Y/n)’s buried here.”

“Thank you, Alessia.” Scarlett spoke as she touched the large headstone. She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them and smiling. Both women stood back as Alessia waved her hands, causing a burst of energy to destroy the headstone and creating a large opening right above the coffin.

With her magic, Alessia was able to lift the coffin out of its grave and placed it on the ground. She tore the top off, allowing Scarlett to look inside. Her gentle green eyes scanned your features before a smile appeared on her face.

“Perfect.” Reaching down, Scarlett’s hand touched your chest, a golden glow starting to emit from the touch. It glowed brighter and brighter, outshining the wisps Alessia had. The said mage watched from behind, ready to help in case anything went wrong.

Scarlett had been practicing Necromancy for a long while and her ultimate goal was to revive a corpse to its original form. She wanted no negative effects of the summoning which were prone to happen due to the nature of such rituals.

The glow finally started to dim, transferring to Scarlett’s eyes instead. The light was almost blinding in the final moments of the spell. Finally, she pulled away and watched you; Alessia joining seconds later.

“Did it work?” The mage inquired as the two stared down at your form. Your fingers twitched before your eyes shot open, glowing a bright pink before returning to their normal color.

“Yes. It worked.”

***

It had been about two years since you were brought back from the dead. The entirety of that time was given to Scarlett as she took care of you while you recovered. There had been two main problems with being brought to life. One unexpected side effect with bringing someone back to life was the healing process. Yes, even you needed to heal.

The typical healing time depended on the person. Children often took four to five years to fully heal, while adults took one to two. Your healing process lasted a little over a year and a half. You learned how to walk, talk, eat, and co-exist with others. Although it seemed rather simple, you had a very hard time readjusting.

The other problem was the lack of memories. As you started to heal, you realized you knew nothing of the past. Not one memory surfaced the entire time. Alessia had promised once you were fully healed and ready to go, she’d help bring them back. Until then, you only knew one thing. Your name.

Currently, you and Scarlett were making your way to Alessia. You had been fully healed for about three days now and as promised, Alessia wanted to help recover your memories. The walk from Scarlett’s home to Alessia’s was a little over five minutes.

“We’re here.” Scarlett announced, as she entered the home. She never knocked but her friend never seemed to care. Alessia came out and greeted you two with a bright smile.

“Today’s the big day! Are you excited?” You mirrored her smile and nodded, letting her lead you into another room. Scarlett waited outside, knowing this was private matters, and although she was like your mother this entire time, she knew some things were just too personal.

You laid down on the bed that Alessia had prepared while she sat down on the chair beside you.

“Close your eyes and clear your mind.” She instructed as she held her hands over your form. You obeyed her and did your best to not think of anything. Warmth wrapped around your form and your mind started to feel fuzzy. You felt so tired… almost as if you were about to fall asleep. You wanted to warn Alessia, but found yourself too exhausted to do so.

Instead, you fell into a deep slumber. It took a few seconds before you felt your feet hit the ground and when you opened your eyes, you found yourself in an unrecognizable garden. There were many small wisps flying around, some even twirling and dancing around you. You giggled and reached out to touch them, when a particular wisp flew up to you.

It felt so… familiar. To the point where you’d forgotten about the others and followed where it attempted to lead you. You followed it through the garden and to a large door. It was connected to nothing, just a doorframe in the middle of the pathway. The wisp stopped at the door handle and you assumed it wanted you to walk through.

You followed its instructions, entering a forest. As you followed down the path with the wisp, you saw small visions. Were… these your memories?

“Wei Wuxian! Nice to meet you!”

“I’m (y/n)! It’s a pleasure to meet you as well, young master Wei.”

That… was Wei Wuxian. Your best friend… someone you’d give your life for. Literally. You walked up to his transparent figure, his smiling bringing a sense of nostalgia and melancholy to your heart.

The wisp garnered your attention once more and led you further down the path, where you saw another vision.

“You must be (y/n), it’s nice to meet you.”

“Y-you’re Lan Xichen! One of the Twin Jades of Lan!”

His humble chuckle sent a wave of butterflies through your stomach. His handsome smile made your cheeks light up, but his voice made your heart ache. Why? What happened?

You followed the wisp further into the forest, coming upon yet another vision. This… was Wei Wuxian. He seemed… different from the first vision. Why… were you guarding him?

“Stay back!”

“Get away from him, (y/n)! He’s the Yiling Patriarch!”

“I… I know. But I won’t allow you to hurt him!”

What? Who was the Yiling Patriarch? As you thought that, your mind answered your own question. He became the Yiling Patriarch when he was thrown into the Burial Grounds, where he’d go on to invent Demonic Cultivation.

Why… did you defend him?

You placed a hand on your chest and closed your eyes, seeking the answer. No less than two seconds later, you had it.

Loyalty.

You and Wei Wuxian were fiercely loyal to each other. No matter what, Wei Wuxian always protected you and you protected him. You stood by his side, no matter what. Even when Lan Wangji had started to question him, even when he abandoned the Yunmeng Jiang Clan, even when he’d accidentally killed Jin Zixuan, when he’d ultimately lost control of Wen Ning, you were always there to help him. In turn, no matter what, Wei Wuxian strived to keep you safe and sound.

Then what happened? Why did you hurt like this? You knew you died for him… but what happened?

As you continued to follow the wisp, you came across another vision.

“Don’t do this, (y/n)!” Lan Xichen begged, but you’d looked away.

“I’m sorry. I’ve made up my mind. I’m staying with Wei Wuxian… goodbye.”

You watched your transparent figure leave and when you looked at Lan Xichen, you felt your heart shatter. The look of pure agony and pain in his eyes as he watched you leave brought everything back.

That’s right. You’d abandoned your boyfriend because your loyalty to Wei Wuxian was stronger. You knew you’d hurt him, but at the same time you felt he understood. It still hurt to think about.

The further down the path you went, the more memories you unlocked. Towards the end, you found the same door you did at the beginning. The wisp touched the handle and you reached out to touch it. Instead of it walking you through, however, it vanished. You looked back at the forest with solemn eyes before walking through the door.

Who knew your past had been so lonely and broken?

***

“You’re awake.” You blinked to get the haze out of your eyes before looking at Alessia. “Did you recover all your memories?” You nodded as certain memories rushed back at you. Already, your cheerful demeanor had been crushed.

“Did… you see?”

“No, I can’t. I can just help bring them back… but I can tell from your face it wasn’t pretty.” You shook your head and sat up.

“I… have to go see someone. Now.”

“Ok, let’s go.” With that, you three were off. You knew exactly where to go and you hoped he was still there. Your Xichen. It was a long journey, one where you contemplated turning back numerous times. You were scared. What would he say? What would he do? What… would happen to him?

It had been about three years since your death, added with the two years from the recovery period, you had been “dead” for five years. How was Xichen now? Did he move on? Was he married? There had been so much that had happened and the way you died without being able to tell him everything you wanted sent a deep sense of regret through you. But you wouldn’t quit. No, you would see him and you would explain everything to him.

If by the end of it he wanted you to disappear and never return, you would do so. If he wanted you to stay, you would do so. You’d only hoped it would end well and that all of your worries were just that.

“We’re here.” Scarlett announced as she stopped. You three stood at the base of the mountain, one that was so familiar to you even though you hadn’t seen it in your new life. You remembered many memories here, but only one stuck out at you.You looked at the two women behind you who gave you a supportive smile.

“Go on. We’ll be here when you get back.” Alessia smiled, with a little wave.

“Take care and don’t be scared.” Scarlett added, patting your head. You gave them a bright smile and nodded before running off up the stairs. You couldn’t wait any longer. You had to see him.

***

Xichen sat at the table, his eyes glancing over the letter he’d been sent a few days ago. It had been expressing concerns about recent events that had taken place nearby, all relating to demonic activity. He sighed, feeling the stress build up. The paper slipped from his hand and fell onto the ground, but he didn’t care to pick it up.

He stared out the window, seeing a cloud rolling by. Immediately, his mind left from his current concerns and to some fantasy world. He daydreamed about you often. Even now, years later, nothing had changed. Xichen was the same mess as before. He was clumsy, unable to concentrate on anything, and often had to be forced to do any work. Even then, any progress he made was either painstakingly slow or none at all.

Xichen had given up all efforts in trying to heal. He didn’t care. He didn’t want to get better, he didn’t want to move on, he didn’t want to try and become what he used to be. He wanted you and nothing else, unfortunately, he couldn’t have you.

He barely registered the door opening, someone walking in, and sitting down in front of him. He just stared off into the distance as your smiling face came into his mind. He did his best to remember you, never wanting to face the day where he couldn’t recall what you’d looked like.

Finally, a hand waved in front of his face, making him blink back into reality. He sighed and looked at the person in front of him. At the sight, he was immediately startled.

You sat there with a look of concern on your face. You moved a little closer, slowly in fear of him moving away, but he didn’t react at all.

“Are you ok, Xichen?” You… sounded exactly the same.

He’d lost it. Xichen had officially lost it and now he was hallucinating. Great, as if he couldn’t get any worse. But… was that so bad? He’d lost interest in life the day you left him, so what did it matter now?

At least now it felt like you were here, that you were real. When you smiled at him, his heart fluttered like never before. He reached out, his fingers brushing against your cheeks. They were warm.

“(y/n)...” he murmured as he looked over your features repeatedly. If you were a hallucination then that meant you’d disappear soon. He had to make sure he studied every inch of your face before you left him again.

“Xichen… you’ve given up.” You whispered, making him look away shamefully.

“I… don’t care. I don’t want anything. I don’t care for anything. I just needed you.” This is what you’d done to him. You’d taken a powerful, kind, graceful man and turned him into… nothing. Although it wasn’t on purpose, you couldn’t help but feel responsible. Both of you had made mistakes, but this was never the outcome you’d imagined.

You knew Xichen never blamed you, he just wasn’t like that. You were positive even now he didn’t blame you. But you blamed yourself. Someone needed to be held responsible for this...

“I’m here now,” you said, taking his face in your hands, “I’m back so I want you to come back too. I want you to be the same as you were before.” He shook his head with a sad smile.

“You’re not back. You’re… just a hallucination. You’ll disappear and it’ll be like I lost you all over again.”

“I’m real! Look!” You took his hand and placed it on your chest, where he could feel your heart beating. That was… odd. He must’ve really lost it if you were this real.

However, his negative thoughts were crushed when he heard the door open. In ran his brother, Lan Wangji, who stared at you with wide eyes.

“(Y/n)...” he whispered as he fell to his knees beside you. He took you by the shoulders and stared at you with pure shock. “You’re alive… you’re actually alive.” He looked at his brother who seemed to be just as surprised. Up until now, he hasn’t even considered the idea of you actually being alive. He genuinely believed he had gone crazy.

“It’s r-real?” The broken question pained your heart but you nodded. Lan Wangji nodded too, confirming the “hallucination” was indeed real.

“I’m real, Xichen. I’m real.” Almost instantly, you were taken into his arms and he held you so tightly. You had many questions about what had happened since your death, but they could wait until later.

Right now, you two just needed… this. You needed to be close to each other. Especially Xichen. He needed to be reminded that you were actually here and that you wouldn’t leave him again.

[heyyylittlemo]

Ask game

1. Where did you hide the body??

Me: *pause* No, where did you hide the body—

*police stare at me with disbelief*

Me: there’s no—there’s not a single body here—well stop looking at me like that, you’re the cop! You should know! Why are you asking me for! Body? Whaaaaaat. Ahaha.

*cops shake head*

*whispers to my friend* Guys I think I pulled that one off

Police: you know we can hear everything you’re saying

me: 👁👄👁

2. Favorite rock? The 1975. Dominic Fike. Arctic Monkeys. Bad Suns. The killers. Pale Waves. Etc. That good good shit 👌

3. Most aesthetic season? Fall. Love them orange colors. The leaves falling. Though spring is also neat if you have a bunch of flowers bloomin in shit and winter is only aesthetic when it’s snowing. Boring ass summer tho just be heating me up.

4. When texting do u shorten words or spell out? I used to write stuff out all the time mostly but now it’s like half and half bcuz its just faster and nobody got time for it 🤣🤣

5. Vintage stuff? Hell yeah, but maybe not anything too expensive since some old stuff IS hyper expensive.

6. Colors that pop or blend? Not sure I understand what u mean abt them blending ahaha u mean like when they’re so similar to another?? Well I think it’s nice but honestly I prefer a pop and a bang, y’Know?

- At this moment I realized I was answering the last few questions from a completely different ask and felt like a dumbass 😂 anyways the actual number we’re on is three so imma just kickback

3. Worst dream u have ever had? I had sleep paralysis but was imbetween that and a lucid dream. At first I was paralyzed and could see my bed but my eyes felt closed and open at the same time?? A giant dark demon looking dog had towered over me and began to tear at my neck. It looked and felt very real I started to try to scream and it felt like a scream was coming out but no sound exited. Then I went into a lucid dream where I was being chased by this dog and running for my life I was running by and nobody could save me nobody in the dream when it caught up to me I was back in my bed and it was trying to eat me again. I was so terrified I couldn’t sleep for a whole week.

4. Lyric that comes to your mind? “And I don’t think I can be there. I’m paralyzed,I’m terrified of being alone. When you said I deserved what had happened.”

5. Blood make u uncomfortable? Yes, I passed out once when getting my finger pricked and a VERY small blood sample and another when dissecting a fish.

6. Even or odd numbers? Well I like the number 5,7,9, 3 so odd. (Like me 🤣🤣)

7. Something I hate that I love? Anything I’ve ever loved becuz love can be frustrating. Bruh.

8. 1st initial of someone I hate? Hmm...do I hate someone tho? Not that I can think of...

9. *Skipping down the lane* NOPE

10. Corn dogs? It’s funny cuz when I think of corn dogs my mind will always go to when we first moved to our current house because at our initial town we never had Sonic and while we were getting the house fixed up and moving stuff we use to always get Sonic since it was the closest to us most times to eat and that was a bunch of corn dogs and hotdog days 🤣 so thnk u corn dogs for ur service

11. I’m not a huge movie person so...I looked up movies from 2005 and movies Inlike from this time are Brokeback mountain bcuz it’s gay af, Shark Boy and Lava Girl damn I rewatched the shot out of it when I was younger, Narnia and the Chocolate Factory(although it low key creeped me out as a kid, and idk why).

12. Least fav music genre? Most country, most EDM, dubstep, screaming/really hard rock, some pop music, mumble raping.

13. As someone who waits on tables, my job is my least favorite restaurant experience 🤣🤣 just dealing with ppl...like ok, I’m half Hispanic right?? But I look white. Well, I work at a Mexican restaurant and so sometimes racist costumers will say shady shit just bcuz I guess they think it’s appropriate to say it to me just bcuz I’m not Hispanic in their eyes?? But it pisses me off and I feel like I can’t say anything without causing a drama which I hate and when the “costumers always right” it can be hard to budge and stand up and say “bitch wtf did u just say??” And there’s just folks who take things the wrong ways or ask too much at once or give u a hard time or just say something that sticks onto you for the whole day. One bad move can turn my whole day upside down.

14. 3 things never come near me? Cockroaches, Needles, and close mind ppl

15. Worst way to die? With regrets. Something really brutual, random, or where something just happened to go wrong (accident). Being killed by someone u love.

16. Unusual habits? Doing a Michael Jackson esque “hee-hee” after every sneeze I make, being extremely clumsy and making every task 100% more difficult, having the ability to talk as if I have an accent that comes from nowhere in particular just stupidity also I can’t speak my own language half the time 🙃getting words confused or misusing them in a sentence so I sound dumb having a very weird imagination and thoughts, I swear it like I never went to school and don’t know how the world works, plus many many more

17. Clothing style u want? I want to dress in a way that screams who I am and is a blend of both femininity and masculinity. A little vintage. Grunge. Urban maybe?? What do I know abt fashion 🤣🤣

18. Song or artist that deserves more? Dijon, hands down. I love his stuff. He’s like Frank Ocean meets light-singing beautiful lyricist with a more rock vibe?? Hidden gem. I also think Durand Jones & the Indications needs more love along with BadBadNotGood they sound like old-times but are new!! Oh, and Pale Waves is like a female The 1975 and kicks it. Bad Suns is a good alt rock band that no one seems to recognize :,D Toro y Moi too! His song with Flume “The difference “ is a banger!! Kid Cudi is my man when I want a blend of rock and rap. Also Dominic Fike,King Krule, and Roy Blair, who are all amazing!! Ok I need to stop 🛑

Duck I answered the past questions from a different post I’m sorry 😐

17. Emoji never used? There’s a bunch since I reuse the same over and over again. Lmao

18. 3 sentence Gatorade horror story? A faint quiver overtook the small freezer the Gatorade lay in; no one had come by in days, hours, weeks; when was the last time he met the lips of a thirsty body? They’d forgotten about him, as his last sips remained glued to his hollowing entrance. ‘Help, ‘it wanted to say, but it’s frozen lips could not be moved; It’d stay here, die here...just like the rest.” What am I doing with my life 🤣🙏

19. Do u know what an old bay is? A bay that is old? And old ocean? Idk!!!

20. Can u dance? Sometimes I dance when I’m alone but nothing spectral lol

21. What first comes to ur mind when u see ropes? 2 extremes. Sex and death. Hm. Ok. Moving on.

22. Make an obscure reference. “Even a bra couldn’t hold these nipples” *Holds a water gun to chest*

23. Fav balloon color? Pink or yellow.

24. If u were in court would u be innocent or guilty? Depends, what am I in court for 🤣 lmao jk honestly idk bcuz I don’t think I’d wind up in there

25. Are u hungry ? Nope

26. Unlucky number? Hm I don’t think so but I have a lucky number “123”

27. What’s “JMD”stand for? I’m guessing...Jamming my d—- 💀lol jk ahaha why am so dirt

28. Random inside joke? *chirpy squeak* I’m making a double batch of cookies

29. What sends chills up ur spine? Seeing disgust food or smell disgust or talking abt disgust things like gore

30. How many questions are in ur inbox? A pathetic zero ahaha no one want to ask me anything 😂

31. Someone real who scares u. 2 of my ex friends. One when I was 10 said disturbing things and I was kinda forced onto the friendship and everything they said make me fear for others lives...and then a different ex friend who seemed normal at 1st but became both low key psychopath cult leader type stuff and I booed out of there—-.

32. Run or hide? Uhh probably hide because I’d say even if ppl say “u can run but u can’t hide” u CAN just hide! that’s the point of hiding they not find u xD also why not combine them? Hide then run somewhere far away once I got them off the trial.

33. Last person who made u angry? A frickin beetle that flew at me and pinched me in the middle of singing in the shed xD also my autocorrect

34. What’s going on in ur head? I should probably pee soon—

35. Little thing that makes u Smile? A lot of little things bruh.

36. Are u a descisive person?

Not sure.

*pAuse *

Ok, I guess I’m not then 🤣

37. Would ppl say I’m paranoid? Hm maybe about certain things social situations, singing in front of others what ppl think abt me etc etc

38. Store least likely in? Any southern clothes shop, Abercrombie & Finch types shit, lol

39. Do I like hats fave type? Hm not wear many hats but I think they’re cool any type is cool for different ppl and their aesthetici just can’t rock a hat.

40. Bow ties or ties? Don’t really care but now want to see more bow ties

41. Who? You.

42. What? Reading this shit

43. Where? In ur ass

44. When? Now.

45. Why? Not even u know why.

46. How? We all want to know

47. Do u collect anything? Vinyl records.

48. What tome is it? Time to get a watch

49. Fav transportation? My car or walk is possible

50. Would u ever kill someone to save someone? Don’t want to think about that

51. Make a joke. Yo, it’s time to make a joke—so the other day I was working. And I was practicing my Spanish, yes? Anyone whose trying to learn anew language k n o w s that sometimes words can be so close to another u just confuse then! So apparently churros in Spanish is a desert but if u say it more harshly (it literally sounds almost the same) it makes a whole different meaning—diharrea, but like I didn’t know that so I legit just walked up to this person and asked if they would like some shit to eat. So yeah, that was great. Let’s not forget that I mixed up blood, watermelon, and sangria which is a wine. I legit once said I had mixed wine in my vines and another time watermelon 🤣

52. I’m really confused so I skip

53. Would ur dash be confiscated SFW? By dash do u mean this account? Um not 😬

54. Do I like to cuddle? Hell yeah and manhandle ppl all the time it’s my affection

55. What makes u angry? Close minded ppl or ppl who jump too fast to conclusions, strict schedules just dumb stuff that people try to force when I just want to be carefree 😭✌️

56. How many voices are in ur head? 😐

57. Do U consider urself mentally stable? 😐

58. Are u easily offended? Well U just called me mentally unstable and asked it there was voices in my head!!

59. What’s wrong with taking the backstreets? Uhm...

60. Any questions u want ppl to ask u? Nothing in particular but it’s be nice if someone care to ask me something abt me from personal question to my opinions on shit to 19 days fandom related junk 😌

Woooo I’ve finished this game! Thanks to @seiji-amasawa for introducing me to this ^^

[ainswcrth]

[ neels visser, cis male, he/him, 21 ] SWEATPANTS by CHILDISH GAMBINO? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of PERSEUS AINSWORTH. maybe because they’re GREGARIOUS but also INATTENTIVE. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since JANUARY of 2018 in 601 and have 2 ROOMMATES. ( I LOVE IT, DON’T HOLD THE WALL, LIVE WHILE WE’RE YOUNG )  

it’s me lexa picking up my 4th wowee !!! ok under the cut you can read up on perseus -- pls leave this post a like if you wanna plot!!

perseus “percy” ainsworth is trash and i apologize in advance for him. he moved into the apartments literally 1 year ago!! and i will get into WHY in a bit here

his fam is a little based off nate archibald tbh so don’t @ me when u see some similarities in like fam structure i’m just comin’ out and saying it right now!!! and he’s always doin dumb shit like serena sO!! xoxo gg

his father is successful business magnate that usually spent little to no time at home. he would often fly between baltimore and nyc for work. his mother comes from the de loughery family (basically just super old money and percy COULD NOT tell u how they got it all!!). she calls herself a philanthropist, but really just a socialite ok

his parents marriage is a LIE and is really fucked him up when he found out. he flew into their NYC penthouse to visit his dad one weekend and when he got there surprise he was in bed with someone that WAS NOT his mother. the thing that really fucked him up was when he told his mother, she wasn’t angry, wasn’t sad BASICALLY brushed it under the rug and moved on with her life, staying married.

you could say his issues w love and relationships traces back to this day, but percy will tell you that you are dumb as fuck and he couldn’t care less about his parents and what they do

he’s never had a Great relationship with his father and you can bet every time he said “i’m proud of you son” he nutted (this did not happen often) but his mother was always a bit softer with him. she had more time (that’s not saying a lot but) to spend with him, but you can bet she chose her other socialite friends and charity functions over anything to do with percy or his brothers!! still she’s the main reason he still gets such a generous allowance every month

he has two older brothers that have accomplished WAY more in life than him

he’s still close to one of them, but the other.. well here’s why he’s p much exiled from the fam right now.... idk why i’m building it up ok basically percy was sleeping with his oldest brother’s fiancé and it all blew up on The Wedding Day. the tabloids got involved bcos said fiancé & his brother were a v high profile power couple. the wedding was called off and literally all the high profile/big business people had to go home without any wedding happening. SO MUCH MONEY WASTED. V EMBARRASSING FOR THE FAM. hence perseus’ move to mulberry apartments.

does percy feel badly about his actions: yes -- this is good this is a start. has he actually apologized -- no. 2019 all about growing u know.

he’s not awful to be around........... but he is definitely no sunflower

when he’s not being a sarcastic bitch he’s pretty fun esp in any kind of party setting like he is a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY and loves being the centre of attention in a big room like he’s v charasmatic when he wants to be (and this def makes him a lil manipulative)

don’t watch this entire video but the story he tells about getting $10,000 worth of clothes being stolen from him is FOR SURE cannon. if u do watch any part... watch him at 13:05 complaining with A PASSION about his clothes being stolen. 

some connection ideas: hook ups.. (look i took up 2 hookup connections from the main, but lbr this boy loves to fuck!!!), someone that does not stand for any of his shit and will tell him to stfu when he’s being a whiny baby, fake friends that use him for his money, some1 that loves cooking and lets him come over when he burns his dinner bcos he does this a fuck ton!!, this kid travels a lot so maybe they had a past fling. i thought i would think up more but that’s all folks, pls hmu if you would like to plot!!! 

[starryseo]

youtuber!felix

only 2 more left after this

im sad

also,,, warning,, a bit of swearing in this oneeee

Chan | Woojin | Minho | Changbin | Hyunjin | Jisung | FELIX | Seungmin | Jeongin

without further ado

lee yongbok felix!!!!!!!!!! idk a yongbok

ok so felix totally watches buzzfeed unsolved

im sorry i was watching that b4 writing this

and he unironically quotes the guys on there

refers to the rest of the sk guys as demons bc he’s always saying “hey demons, it’s me… ya boi” #GottaLoveShane’sSkepticAss

does a lot of research into the haunted/ paranormal stuff and has dragged hyunjin on his hunt for haunted places

kinda hard to find some places bc they’re barricaded and he doesn’t wanna break the law by breaking in :’))

plus his parents would probably not let him stay overnight at a haunted place

but he tries his best to go during the day to, like, a haunted house or something

along with being a supernatural fanatic

he makes videos on conspiracy theories

all. the. time.

deffo the type to cover his laptop/ desktop camera bc the government are watching lmfao i do this too

also deffo believes in shit like the illuminati and men in black i doooo

in some of his videos you can see his room

he’s sooo got pictures, newspaper articles and shiz like that on his wall

and the typical red string tying different pictures and articles together

he’s,,,, really,,,,,, into this kinda stuff

alongside that

he’s obviously into memes

so in his videos he’ll have trashy Comic Sans comments

y’know how WillNE used to have in his videos? like that.

is also really into those theories relating the disney princesses together bc damn those are actually cool

[cyanide voice] DID YOU KNOW… elsa & anna’s parents are also tarzan’s parents????? [just a theory bUT IT MAKES SENSE OKAY]

y’know those parkour videos i keep mentioning

bringing it back real quick

one time felix was skateboarding by some lil’ lake

and he tried doing a trick but he almost fell in

and he let out the most girly scream ever and changbin was dYING

thankfully he didn’t fall in,,,,

but then he tried it again and he fell half in and changbin lost it. he. could. not. stop. laughing.

felix was just like “bro <\3″

even jisung was laughing,,, he almost dropped the camera,,, but luckily he didn’t and he managed to get felix’s scream recorded

felix actually wasn’t too mad about that

he made a meme out of it?? like why???

y’know that one meme that uses Bag Raiders - Shooting Stars as background music [the song fyi - if you dont know what im talking about; use earplugs & low volume!!! there is swearing after the 1st so watch out]

and he managed to cut a picture (of himself) from jisung’s video as he was falling

and he moves it so he’s falling through loads of different things and ends up falling through space that escalated quickly

that was a crappy explanation but watch that video and you should understand

so yeah

he’s a bit crazy :)

it’s ok tho bc he’s funny

he also does vlogs

you can imagine how active and crazy he is in those

& he’s literally always screaming in those

someone get him to chill pls

he and chan will speak english and use australian slang in the vlogs

and 1) comments overflow with how cool they sound

but 2) the other guys just go ughhhhh and start speaking korean really fast so they cant understand - or, well, felix mainly, can’t understand

or c) they’ll chat shit about chan and felix slowly so they understand and are like hey ://

it’s all banter dw

he watched jisung’s make-up w/ my minho thing right

and tried doing that too

but with changbin

obviously he didn’t tell changbin what he was gonna do

but when changbin got there

and felix got him to sit at the table rather than where his game console was he was suspicious

when felix came out of his room with make-up

you bet your butt changbin got outta that chair and ran

felix was just like “wow… i got jisung’s make-up and everything and he up and left :(((”

that didn’t stop him tho lmao

he had already set up a camera to record in that room

so he just got that camera, put it on the table

and recorded himself doing his own make-up

it was going decently until he got the eyeliner

and started doing it around his eyes

and then he found inspiration in Big Daddy’s (from Kick Ass) eye make-up [fyi]

yeah after that he kinda just fcked up his own face

but he was so proud of it

bless

he took a pic of himself and sent it to the sk group chat like “this is what you missed out on, binnie”

changbin: so not much then, yh?

felix: im breaking up w/ u

changbin: finally

as revenge for that bad changlix break-up

he gathered the ‘00 line [SQUAD ROLL OUTTTTTTT]

and they planned to get revenge on changbin

so on a saturday when they knew changbin was gonna be sleeping till like midday

(because he was up all night gaming the idiot)

they came to his house early

and got the make-up kit ready lmfao

seungmin held the camera

whilst hyunjin blended like 5 different shades of lipstick

jisung put concealer, blush and bronzer on him (God knows how some ended up in his hair but whatever)

and felix did the eyeshadow and eyeliner

just to feel a little rebellious

jisung let seungmin do the highlight

omg bad boy!seugming im deadddd

but then jisung accidentally sneezed and everyone was like SHIT and froze

they waited like 5 seconds until they heard changbin mumble “what the fuck…”

and then his eyes opened

and he was like “what the hell are you guys doing here?”

and hyunjin just smilled, discreetly hiding the lipstick he was currently holding behind his back

“ah,, we just came over to wake you up!!”

changbin was having none of that shit and he was like

changbin: “why is seungmin holding a camera then?? and jisung’s literally got something in his hand”

changbin: “jisung,,,,, is that… make-up?? you fcking did not”

felix: “RUN!!!!!!!!”

seungmin managed to get a clear shot of changbin’s pissed off face before they goT THE HELL OUTTA THEREEEEEEE

changbin flew straight up and chased them 

but unfortunately they got outta the house just in time

and he wasn’t about to dash out of his house in his pj’s

imagine if seungmin had forgotten to actually start the video holy shittt lmfao

he remembered dw

anyways they got back to felix’s house and he immediately started editing the video

he managed to get a picture of changbin’s final pissed off face before they ran

he sent that to the group chat

and all the guys made that their youtube profile pictures it was HILARIOUS

whilst i’m on the topic of ‘00 line

they have killer gaming matches

and felix lives to troll people

he doesn’t limit himself to just annoying the other ‘00 guys

nah that’s too basic

he’ll troll anyone on his team

he’s blocked so many people from getting through doors

or blocked them in one corner

and he can sometimes hear them swearing and shouting to move the fck away dude!!!

and he deadass just laughs over the mic

he’s gotten a lot of people killed that way 

(including himself lmao)

he still somehow managed to not be last on the scoreboard??

he plays really well actually

but he never misses an opportunity to troll

he gets a lot of hate messages from people online like “dude wtf why’d you do that”

and he’s just like “y not bro <3″

so yeah

although he loves trolling and annoying as many people as he can

he loves the sk guys

and he’d do anything for them

he can get real cheesy at times

making edits of them all dramatically falling in love with him

like he cut a clip of woojin saying “i love merigues!” and “felix keeps messaging me, should i just block him” from his cooking videos

and merged them to get “i love felix!”

and then he played that behind a clip of woojin just talking into the camera so it looked realistic enough

and he sent that to the group chat like “changbin wHO? i only know a kim woojin <3 love you bby <3″

everyone knows he edited that but they still mock woojin anyway

and changbin literally just said “good luck with him woojin, he’s insane”

back to the sentimental ending:

he loves the guys & they love his annoying ass too

knows that even tho he annoys them to the extreme a lot

he can trust them and they’ll help him with whatever

they’re like his home away from home and he loves it so much

his desktop picture is a rlly cute pic of them all together, completely unedited and unfelixified

he loves it

whoa that was long. 2?? updates in a day?? damn im on a roll :)) 

i got a coupla requests for boyfriend texts w/ some stray kids members

like damn after this,,, a,,, bf stray kids thing??? idkkkkkk ?????????? so many series, so little timeeee

anyways thanks 4 reading :) <3

[cicinicole-14]

coco’s college story

I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...

college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing. 

I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor. 

summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons

pros: 

going to school w/ bff since age 3

1,025 miles from home and from my mother* 

good science program so I can be a dr?? 

location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida

cons: 

is hella expensive**

1,025 miles from home 

current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)

leaving friends I have in florida

tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them. 

2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc… 

but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked. 

and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college. 

now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college. 

so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college. 

it’s 1,025 miles away from home

I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).

I was leaving my friends

I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart 

I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog

this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister���s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that. 

my life plan

holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:

my life:

go to college out of state

make money

be a doctor in the nicu

be a mom/foster/adopt kids

own lotsa pets

have enough money to build my own house

were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked. 

since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old. 

college has since changed that plan...

about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)

so that happened, and threw me for a loop. 

college is just extremely different in general.

I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things. 

professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird. 

your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it. 

nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????

I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses. 

college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for… 

college is stressful. 

and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting. 

I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too. 

and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier. 

and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.

I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow. 

and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush. 

notes:

*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her

**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table… 

***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically. 

so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one

xx cici 

[abadpoetwithdreams]

The Alphabet Game

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better. (I’m not going to tag anyone because I am sleepy and jet lagged and don’t feel like it, but if you want to play, then go for it! Also I usually don’t do these tag games because I am the worst and it’s hard to fill them out on mobile lol but hey I’m on vacation so I have time for this one ^_^)

tagged by: @wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey :D

a - age: 26 b - birthplace: Fredericksburg, VA c - current time: Guys, I just flew from Okinawa to Hawaii, so I have literally no idea right now. My mind says it’s like midday but the dark out the window says it’s 9pm. d - drink you last had: water. It is important to stay overhydrated in Hawaii, because if you ever notice you are dehydrated it’s too late and the humidity and heat will eat you. e - easiest person to talk to: mom, various siblings, various friends (special shoutout to @ewokshootsfirst of course!!) f - favorite song: UMMMMM I have no single fave but hey I found out the Scarlet Heart Ryeo soundtrack is on iTunes yesterday so I bought a couple of my favourite tracks and WHY IS NIRVANA IN FIRE NOT ON ITUNES TOO ok anyway back on topic–I really like Monster Lead Me Home lately, and All the King’s Horses, and I’m always in the mood for Mordred’s Lullaby or most Poets of the Fall songs. While on vacay I listened to a lot of World Order for kicks, so special mention of the moment goes to Nice Day, lol I love that song. g - grossest memory: um I can’t think of anything right now but I really badly sprained my ankle when I landed a jump wrong one time while performing at a dance show, so the memory of the way my ankle buckling felt still skeeves me out ten years later gross gross gross h - horror yes or horror no: as a rule, horror no, but there are exceptions–Pan’s Labyrinth has horror elements for example and it’s one of my favourite things on the planet, and I like some ghost story kinds of horror; I just hate gratuitous gore kind of horror, the dumb ick factor stuff that’s 99% of what people mean when they talk about horror film. That doesn’t scare me, it just makes me grumpy, lol. So I like psychological/creative use of horror I guess. i - in love?: with Nirvana in Fire and Irish dance and good Silm meta heyyyyyy j - jealous of people?: sometimes l - love at first sight or should I walk by again?: dunno m - middle name: i have three, none of which are English n - number of siblings: I am the oldest of eight! o - one wish: WQ this Oireachtas p - person you called last: my littlest sister, to wish her a happy birthday since I’m still on travel and had to miss being there in person this year q - question you are always asked: “so who pays you to compete/who sponsors you at Irish dance?“ HA. HA. HA. r - reason to smile: I just had one of the best weeks of my life in Okinawa, I can go get real genuine Hawaii shave ice tomorrow (SHIMAZU’S OR NOT AT ALL, NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS), I did really well at my last dance comp even though I bombed my first round, I can’t wait to give my siblings all the gifts I got them in Japan, and I’m back in the US so I can finally get back to watching NiF again yayyyyyy s - An Okinawan drinking song LOLOLOL t - time you woke up: Again, this is impossible to answer because I’ve had to live this day twice due to time difference in travel between Okinawa and HI. I woke up at five am in Okinawa on the 11th, if that counts u - underwear colour: … secret? v - vacation destination: Hobbiton! Oxford! Okinawa again! I’d love to visit South Korea but I’m too chicken! Most places in Europe! Ireland again! Scotland! It’s funny but I never think of going to Oahu as a vacation, I guess because I have family here and I used to live here? Oh well. I’ve never visited the other islands tho and I want to. w - worst habit: Procrastination and self-doubt for surrrre. x - x-rays: Um, if this is asking if I have had X-rays, then yeah? Of my toe and ankles at various times lol Irish dance life. y - your favorite food: too much to list. My favourite foods I make though are probably my spaghetti recipe, chi chi dango, chocolate chip cookies, stovetop fried tofu, banana bread, vegetable lentil soup, and balsamic chicken. z - zodiac sign: I’m a Pisces I think but I don’t really care so could be wrong lol