#but those feelings dont define me

[wandering-premed]

url change: @frustrated-premed -> wandering-premed

[strangersteddierthings]

Porcelain Steve - Part 6

Part One🦇Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four🦇Part Five🦇Part Six🦇Part Seven🦇Part Eight🦇Part Nine

Even though he's expecting company, Eddie still jumps and yelps when his front door flies open without so much as a knock, revealing Dustin and Will.

"I know I said to let yourselves in, but a warning knock would have been nice," Eddie shoots them a glare, not bothering to stand from the couch where he'd been pretending to watch whatever terrible daytime movie was playing.

"Sorry," Will apologizes sheepishly while Dustin just laughs.

"Which of your moms dropped you off? If it's Claudia, I'm filing a complaint about how you were raised."

"Har har," Dustin says, swinging his backpack off and knelling down to unzip and dig into it. "We biked here."

"Lucky you, then. The complaint will wait."

Dustin wrestles a blanket from his backpack. Unwrapping it reveals Steve, hair rumpled but otherwise unharmed. "Alright. Delivered safely. We gotta go meet El and Mike now but we'll see you on Saturday, right?"

Eddie sets Steve on the couch, angled towards the TV. "Yeah. I get the feeling if I don't show for the barbeque that Joyce will show up here and drag me there by my ear."

"She would," Will confirms with an easy shrug. The boys turn to leave before Will exclaims, "Oh! Almost forgot!" before digging into his pocket for something, turning around to give it to Eddie.

"What?"

"El and Steve spoke again. He had a lot of things to say. I spent a good portion of the last three days writing down everything as El repeated it to me. This is your letter," he says, having successfully pulled out what looked to be a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.

"Oh," Eddie takes it, and realizes it's not just one folded piece of paper, but three. "Wow."

"Seems you are Steve's second favorite," Dustin grins at him from the doorway.

"You are first, I assume?"

"No. Robin is. She got five pages."

That tracks, actually. Eddie's not surprised Robin got the most pages.

Soon enough, the boys are off and Eddie returns to the couch, pulling his legs up to sit crisscross. "Alright, Stevie, let's see what you have to say."

He unfolds the pages completely and is met with Will's now familiar penmanship scrawled across the sheets of wide rule paper that has clearly been ripped from a composition notebook. He's seen Will's handwriting plenty over this last year, quickly scribbling notes during DnD sessions and on the little item cards Will makes himself to hand out when he DMs.

Will's handwriting isn't always the neatest, but this looks like Will took time, wanted his writing to be legible. Flipping through the papers he sees it is two pages, front and back, of a letter, and the third page is a list of questions in a different, neater handwriting. He gets the feeling that Will probably didn't paraphrase anything. How many people got letters? How much of Will and El's time was devoted to doing just this?

Eddie feels emotional over this, misty-eyed and a lump in his throat, and he hasn't even read the damn letter yet.

"Shit, Stevie, do you even realize how loved you are?" Eddie asks out loud, turning to look at Porcelain Steve like he might answer him this time. Blank hazel eyes stare forward. Eddie shakes his head, to clear away his thoughts, and gets to reading. Not out loud, because he doesn't want Steve to hear how wet his voice will sound.

Eddie,

I guess the first thing I want to say is thank you. I was kind of freaking out when I first woke up like this. It was calming, that day on the lawn, after Robin and Nancy found me. You were so chill and just chatted my ear off like you would have if I were, like, there. I mean, there there and not like, doll-there, if you get what I mean.

Shit, man, being stuck like this would have been a hell of a lot worse without you, I'm certain. Everyone's been great, of course, and, like, no offense meant, Will and El, but you act most normal. Helps me feel, well, I don't know how, exactly. Describing emotions is not something I'm like, good at. Robin's great, too, but she catastrophizes, you know? And since I can't speak back, she can get herself pretty worked up about this and I hate that. Hate that I can't do anything to help her.

Shit. This isn't your issue. Don't include that. No, wait, do. Sorry, El. (It is here, off in the margin, that Will has added 'I wrote everything word for word. Enjoy the asides to El and me.) Hanging out with you helps her, I think. She seems less anxious on days we spend with you. So, I guess, I also want to thank you for that. For being there for Robin when I can't.

Eddie has to pause there because he had no idea. Robin has been a grounding force for him this whole time. He had no idea he was doing the same for her. She never said, or let on... well, that was probably her goal and now Steve's spilled the beans.

This is getting easier to say, even if I still don't know how to feel about the other two people who are going to be privy to everything said, or I guess from your end, written here. (Here, Will has transcribed a conversation they seemed to have had in the middle of writing this up.) Oh. He means us. - El Yes. Don't worry Steve, we'll do our best to forget everything you've said once it's written down. - Will Steve laughed and says thanks. - El I appreciate that but- well, being honest there's some things I want to say but I don't want anyone else to hear. Those conversations are better left face to face, anyway. So, uhh, what else did I want to say?

Oh! Yeah, I told Robin she could drive around the Bimmer, so she can have a car while I'm- so she doesn't have to bike everywhere but knowing her she probably won't take me up on that offer. Maybe you can talk her into it? Or, maybe she'll be willing to drive your van around and you can take the bimmer.

"Jesus, Stevie, can't you just be okay with existing?" Eddie says it under his breath and tenses instantly. For a moment, he forgot that Steve was right there on the couch with him, could hear him. Now he has to explain himself because Steve's already heard, and without the context of how Eddie really means those words, they can sound judgmental. "Shit. Sorry. I just read the part about your car and, dude, you just don't know how to not try and be helpful, huh? I bet it's destroying you on the inside that you can't do anything. But Steve, you gotta know, we don't care about you because you're useful."

Steve, of course, can't reply, so Eddie goes back to the letter.

Uh, what else was there? Oh! Yeah! I don't get migraines here. Or, in this body? Or, whatever it is. I haven't had one since this happened. Also, no hearing issues. Though I find myself wishing to be completely deaf sometimes. I get that Max can listen to Kate Bush for a week straight, but I'd like a little variety. God, what I wouldn't give to listen to the Top 40 again. Don't say anything, Munson. I can already see your judgmental face at my music taste. Unlike you, I have the ability to like multiple types of music. The Top 40 AND that one song from, uhh, shit. Might not have migraines or hearing issues at the moment, but the memory is still as it was. Which means it is shit. That one song by that metal band where their name sounds like it's metal? You know who I mean. (In the margin, Will has just written five little question marks in a row ?????)

"The band you were thinking of, it's Metallica," Eddie says.

Not important. But, uh, the reason for telling you this. I was hoping you might smuggle me to a show the next time your band plays at the Hideout? Last time I tried to go it was too loud and gave me a migraine, you remember, but I think that I could listen to your whole show like this. We might as well take advantage of the perks of this shit situation, right? So, uh, I wouldn't mind if you did that. Or, like, had Robin or someone else bring me. Whichever.

Actually, wait, I lied, I do care which way. I've already had them pen down Robin's letter, so you'll have to pass this on, but I want Robin to take me. So, I can also watch the show, not just listen. That was the part I liked most, when I went last time, before I had to leave. Wait. Scratch that. Ask Argyle. Other than you, he seems like the only person willing to be caught holding me in public, mostly because I don't think he even knows how to be embarrassed. Jesus that was such a weird sentence to say. Holding me in public. Such a weird thing to experience, too.

Uh, anyway, I think that's it for now. Thanks for everything, Eddie.

"I think you're handling this loss of bodily autonomy rather well, Steve. This letter is a lot more positive than the one I would have written if our roles were reversed," Eddie says with a sigh. He can't help but wonder what Steve would have said in this letter if it hadn't had to be filtered through two teenagers first.

He looks to the last page, the list of questions, and is surprised to see that, mixed in with questions about which sports team is winning (he is not going to watch Sportsball for Steve. There has to be a line drawn somewhere and this is it. He will ask Wayne about it later and hate the glee he sees in his uncle's eyes because now he's going to have to pretend to like sports for the unforeseeable future) and for honest updates about their friends are questions about Eddie's campaign that he's rambled on about since Steve can't escape. Steve wants spoilers, wants to know what Eddie has planned.

Steve has actually been listening. He'd been operating on the assumption Steve just tunes him out when he gets going, unable to stop his brain to mouth filter when it comes to talking about Dungeons and Dragons and his current campaign.

"I'm at your list of questions now. I can't answer anything about sports, and don't think I'm unaware of how you asked me and not Lucas. I see what you are doing and I'm not going to fall for it. So, your first non-sportsball question here; How is Dustin doing, really? Well, that's a whole thing but overall, okay."

[spoopdeedoop]

I mean this absolutely respectfully, but you should probably find a different duo name for Mei and MK than goldendragon--goldendragon is their ship name, so by tagging it as goldendragon, you're putting platonic content into the tags for people who are looking for romantic content of the two of them! It'd be like tagging a post about Wukong and Macaque being friends or brothers as shadowpeach--it clogs the tags and makes searching for content difficult. And again I mean this entirely respectfully, I'm not sure if they have a duo name though or what else to call them!

hi! so i figured i should explain myself a bit more in terms of using that tag lol.

i use the goldendragon tag despite me not shipping them because it's completely up to the viewer which context they decide to put the art in. i don't make the art with romantic intentions, but i don't mind people taking my goldendragon art as romantic. i just like their dynamic either way.

plus, goldendragon is the more well known tag of their duo and i want to reach the people that want to see more of them, i guess?

so i use goldendragon as the umbrella term for mk and mei. personally i don't ship them, but you are more than welcome to read my art of them as romantic.

i wouldn't call my art of them "platonic" art? it's just art of them.

tl;dr: i'm still gonna be using the tag because my art isn't strictly platonic. you can see it as romantic if you'd like. plenty of people do.

[fabaceous]

isnt it so interesting and so reflective of being a teenage girl how the yellowjackets collectively and sort of automatically/instinctively assign certain roles to certain members of the group, often roles that involve getting their hands dirty and doing things that are anywhere from gross to ethically questionable to truly morally reprehensible but necessary for their survival, because no one else can stomach it, and then they punish her for acting out the exact same role that they assigned her?

[saturnisfallingdown]

a big part of the queer online kid to queer online young adult progression for me was losing all interest in labels. not in a distasteful way!! just. losing interest .....

[pensymbols]

if u believe that jason grace is lame gtfo this is NOT safe space for you

[flovverbun]

i think whoever came up with "general/basic dni criteria" as a term should be hunted for sport

[losergendered]

ID: the “me when i got the x autism instead of the good at math or science autism” meme edited to say “me when i got the angry bitter guy who got called a school shooter in high school npd instead of the frilled pure adored goddess maiden kokoa yoshizaki npd” END ID

[sludgeguzzler]

there should be a cattegory of person whos like "the weird freak i have a homoerotic relationship with who i follow around and criticize affectionately" like a bestfriend but different. a worstfriend

[mainfaggot]

my closest friend said that i have very dynamic facial expressions ("it's like you hit emote buttons!") // my little sister told me that, "strawberry lemonade is sooo you!" // my mom recently said she thinks that i should get a doctorate in philosophy because "you ponder a lot and I think you have the intellectual capacity for it" -> i am not the ghost i thought i was; i am not an empty shell

[hanzajesthanza]

obsessed that the one time dandelion ever actually felt guilt in his entire life maybe was not for the cheating, not for the cucking, not for the drinking, not for the whoring, not for the cheating (reprise), not for the avoiding paying his tab, not for the petty and minor theft, but he felt bad because he felt like he was not that good of a friend to geralt

[soldier-poet-king]

"I hope this doesn't awaken anything in me" except tracing patterns between my recurring favourite character types has ended with me being pepe silvia as I slowly come to the realization that all the awful weak parts of me are apparently interconnected in ways I havent fully grasped yet

It is. Occurring to me. That I have an extremely fucked up relationship with the notion of consent??? Like not just in a sexy way but also in an everyday normal general way. And this is related to dissociation as a coping mechanism but also dissociation as something I often find comforting, in a way. Which is linked to my desperate need for control and my obsessive freak behaviours (à la ocd and need for certainty) but also how desperately tired I am of being in control and how I want nothing more than to just let go entirely and let someone else be in charge. Which ofc doesn't work because there's no scenario in which I can be forced to give up control entirely, nor is there anyone I actually would fully wholly trust in that level of complete and utter control. Which ofc I guess also links to my god as lover thing, in a way, BC this is all probably applicable in a divine way and in an everyday way and in a sexy way, what do I know. But also my deep awful need to be cared for instead of caretaking, which again circles back to trust, and also issues of obedience and people pleasing and submission to duty. And how the servitude of people pleasing can be both comforting and full of ecstasy because I still have a 'use' and that use is the purpose (y'know like. The Clarified in Baru Cormorant. I'm not looking at it, I refuse to acknowledge it), but it's also a defense mechanism and a habit born out of self preservation and fear and something I hate doing and hate about myself. And how can it be both those things, which brings us back to consent. Personhood????

I'm. Hm.

Normally this is smthn I would say hey we should journal and keep ur thoughts to urself but also we never ever acknowledge or talk about this stuff ever and I feel like an unwell little freak who is fundamentally shattered in ways I am only beginning to understand and I'm just!!! Oh!! Oh i am realizing things and I don't know if that's good or not. And why don't we talk about these things in non therapy ways I am going insane in my own head

[zevrans]

👀

[cosmicrhetoric]

identitti is......interesting

[colorful-horses]

Just watch Star vs the Forces of Evil instead, High Guardian Spice is not worth your time

I don't know how to tell you this but I've already finished High Guardian Spice since making that post