#but when multiple kids in a class go home injured multiple times every week there's a fucking problem

[ssaalexblake]

how incompetent as a teacher do you have to be to look at a child who has two limbs cut, scratched and bruised from where another kid deliberately and intentionally attacked them where they said they were hurting, and think the battered kid is the one who should be in trouble? Especially since said little violent child Also spent their day deliberately smearing a different kid with something they knew the other kid is allergic to causing them to swell up and have to have their parents called bc it counted as serious enough to immediately notify them and not just wait to talk to them at pickup time (the kid was fine in the end, but very well could have Not been). 

Anyway it’s been a goddamn afternoon/evening and i only got home recently and i’m still super pissed off at that fucking school. 

[bengiyo]

Knock Knock Boys Ep 5 Stray Thoughts

Last week, we squarely sorted our housemates into two pairs and gave Almond a proper shake to make him get over Jumper. Almond spent the first chunk of the episode following Latte, and watched him give a talk to a club about pansexuality. He and Almond had a good moment after that, and Latte found himself getting jealous of Jumper at the barbecue they hosted later. Meanwhile, Thanwa is still looking for work but had an excellent moment with Peak in a closet where Peak apologized for taking a kiss from him earlier and asking for a new one. We left at Jane reentering the picture.

I do love their cold opens that are for a later scene in the episode. It feels so assured every time. I like the anticipation of paying attention to the moments so I know what that cold open is meant to provide as payoff.

I love Latte so much. He wakes up from sleeping on Almond and only gives a pleased smile about it. These two faking sleep are ridiculous. I know Almond was gonna toss his ass when the Now Kisstm moment started

Using the shirt to provide a barrier during a pratfall kiss is novel. I’m glad the first time their lips actually touch won’t be accidental, and that Latte got injured. We’ve only seen someone bleeding after a pratfall kiss in a few instances (Love Stage!! TH comes to mind).

Fiancée? I am ready for the drama.

These boys are nosy as hell!

The energy Jane gives off is so knowing. I am compelled.

Almond, the rich kid, took his shirt off to pretend to clean the walls with it after rolling away from the door. Incredible.

She is so ready to fight this man. They do not feel like they are romantically involved.

I feel bad for Thanwa. He’s staying out of the way, and even waited a bit for answers before calling.

Finally, someone acknowledged that every goddamn mosquito would be flying in through those open doors.

Morning wood in my BL? It’s more likely than  you think.

Almond, we see you still smiling about what you saw.

I’m with Almond. I wouldn’t want to eat breakfast at this tense table. However, I am also with Latte just trying to get some food in before walking to class.

Thanwa feels so properly gay to me. He’s being so careful about being neutral in his interactions with Jane.

I don’t like Max.

I like Lukpeach taking her offense to their sexual health club and talking about how improper it is to film people’s private moments and post them for clout.

Almond, focus please!

These two have a fun dynamic. Almond is still clearly thinking about Latte’s dick, and I love Latte being upfront that he’s down to play if Almond wants.

An unfortunate t-shirt choice there, costuming department.

This framing with the bed scene is excellent. Thanwa is still willing to offer Peak shelter, but he’s made it clear that they can’t have any more closeness while this situation with Jane remains unresolved.

Yes, put on your glasses so you can see his back properly. This show is very good at communicating that the characters are feeling multiple things.

Baby’s first dildo!

I don’t think they’re talking about the job anymore, guys.

This boy is skipping home to use his new toy! I love that for him.

You’re gonna need more Vaseline than that, baby boy.

I really love that Almond is allowed to explore his body this way. He lucked out on his roommates, too. Latte was worried when he heard him scream, and I love him teasing Almond about helping. It’s so cool that Almond is made to feel like he is desirable in some way.

And now Jane is covering for Peak, and didn’t react much about Almond saying he kissed Thanwa. She knows.

Oh no. Almond, do not go check that locker room. You are gonna get your little heart broken.

Glad I called that Jumper was already with his friend.

Almond….no… You were just at a meeting about consent.

That’s interesting. I thought we would find out about Jumper and Shawn via the clip, not that Almond would have already seen them together.

Wow, that’s a difficult cliffhanger. You could see Latte pulling away from Almond.

The preview is not promising!

Wow, I was not expecting the show to go beyond the “don’t film people” PSA aside. Having Almond overstep that boundary in a moment of jealousy and be caught for it is ripe with tension. I like that it’s Latte who catches it first, because he’s been dealing with Almond overstepping boundaries with him for multiple episodes with him following him places and trying to see his dick. Even if there’s been brewing sexual tension between them, Almond has been very firm about saying no to Latte. To have him then film and post Jumper like this is egregious, but in line with his earlier behavior. I’m excited to see where we go with them. As for Thanwa, I love that he still likes Peak even if he’s holding on his own line as well. This show whips ass.

[britishth0t]

Hyperactive (With slight homicide)

This is my first post on Tumblr (not my first post overall as I have Wattpad, but I'll post my username here when I've added my Klarion one-shots on there unless people want it lmao

You grabbed his interest when you were hanging out with your friends near the old cinema.

He seemed intrigued at first when even Teekl became slightly amused by your hyper personality.

Klarion may or may not have stalked you for a bit because of that

Eventually, Klarion did admit you seemed fun to Teekl, and wanted to get to you know you better in person.

Both of you finally met each other when you were walking around the harbour, taking photos of the sea and the horizon even if you knew you would delete them later.

Teekl thought this would be a great time for Klarion to introduce himself to you.

She half prayed that Klarion wouldn't freak you out, and the other half wanting you to not make Klarion too annoyed.

Somehow, it went really well.... A bit too well, as you two then talked as if you had known each other for years

Lets just say, you're both extremely hyper. I mean, it's Klarion.

You being a hyperactive person and him having chaos magic while also wanting mischief? It's a perfect yet dangerous match.

Teekl rethinks her choice about you two being together, as she now has to deal with two children and not one.

This also means that the Light have to deal with another 'kid' as well, since Klarion will definitely bring you to at least one meeting.

They're a bit cautious about you on first impression, not too sure if you're using Klarion to get information about the Light

But after a while, they see how much you deal with when you're with Klarion, and figure out that no one can put up a façade for that long

Yeah, even the Light know that you're one hyper son-of-a-b*tch

I wouldn't say you're obnoxiously loud, it's just being in a Light meeting no one is really talking except you, so it's dead quiet other than that. Nevertheless, you can be extremely deafening without realising it

Klarion's magical powers gives you a lot more freedom when being with him. Like, a lot more freedom, he's a lord of Chaos, you basically have no limits.

You can now do all the crazy sh*t you've ever wanted to do with Klarion by your side, and he's more than willing to join you in whatever ideas you have

A couple of times Teekl has to warn him that you're still a mortal, so he does lay off a bit from time to time to avoid getting you seriously injured

If you do get hurt, Klarion is gunna freak tf out, trying to play it off cool but failing

All adventures go out the window if you get hurt. And if you try to get up saying "I'm fine", he'll magically trap you in your bed to rest.

Don't test him, he will do it

A lot of things may break, and it's whether or not Klarion will fix it with his powers or not after... Probably not, it's not like either of you really care

If the Young Justice team do meet you, it's because you were in a forest with Klarion, messing around while climbing from branch to branch in the trees while Klarion floated next to you

The two of you were ambushed by the team, as Zatanna had sensed Klarion's power in that area while the team were nearby

They would have saved you, but you're surprisingly very good at climbing trees for any of them to grab hold of you, something that actually made them impressed

Klarion was very unhappy, so unhappy that you had to mention about going back home to hang out there to calm him down

Couple of times you'd wander off too far that Klarion isn't able to find you and would have to teleport you to him in order to know where you are, the only big thing that does get him slightly annoyed.

^ If you can make Klarion take responsibility (other than over Teekl) and act like a parent, my respect goes to you

You two don't have any rules apart from when you're injured, although there is one thing that bugs you both

2 hyper devils + "Calm down"= Death stare with Klarion hexing whoever said that

No one is allowed to tell you guys to calm down

Klarion x homicidal hyper reader ⚠️Mentions death⚠️

You met each other like the first one, except that you seemed more wanting to go into danger and edge your friends into doing bad things than actually have fun

This time, Klarion was intrigued before Teekl

He noticed your cold yet intense gaze on everyone that was near you

Something about you was odd. Klarion knew that but he didn't know what was making you seem so odd

It's not until you become best friends that he finally realises your love for murder

While you got along with Klarion before him knowing this, wow he's ecstatic that he finally knows what seemed off with you

He tempts you into murder as well, seeing that you showed to be very refrained from not doing anything about your homicidal thoughts

Catches on very quickly how manipulative you can be with your friends, friends that Klarion now wants to be your first kills

Unsurprisingly, it doesn't take that much convincing from Klarion to make you agree to killing your soon-to-be-dead mates

He helps of course, trapping them all and giving you all sorts of weapons to use on them

It's like a holiday for both of you

You even asked Klarion at one point to make their screams quieter since they were annoying you

And after you had finishing butchering your friends, Klarion realised that he like-liked you and confessed right there

Yep, Klarion did just admit to liking you while standing in the middle of dead bodies scattered around at your feet

Soon after that, you both start doing more destruction together

Limits? F*ck no

Hell, if you asked for half of the moon to be destroyed, Klarion would snap his fingers and bam, moon gone.

One time you asked Klarion to give you powers like superman, just so you could fly and mess around in the city

It started off as just throwing cars as far as you could, not exactly caring if people were inside or not

Which then turned into full blown 'lemme jump/crash into one sky scrapper to another', looking like a monkey swinging from vines in a jungle

While the heroes didn't enjoy your hyper and destructive personality nor Klarion, the news loved you. The amount of reports you and Klarion got in the news just boosted both of your ego's

"Double trouble strikes again!" "Witch boy causes havoc with anonymous villain" "League fail to stop villains, have they met their match?" "Criminals cause devastating downfall on the city" "61 lives lost in under an hour" You felt prideful in the last one, a new record in your books

If you two ever go out to have dates, it'll 100% always end with something, mostly a building, being completely destroyed

Whenever the 'kiddie' team as Klarion calls them, or the Justice League come; they're always too late to stop you two

Even if Batman claims they were so close to stopping you, he's wrong. The heroes don't even manage to get you two to notice them arriving, already going off to have some fun somewhere else

You've mentioned about wanting to kill at least one of the heroes out of spite and because you felt like it on multiple occasions

Klarion would love to snap his fingers to have every hero there for you to choose from, yet he couldn't do that because of Vandal wanting some of them alive. Especially Lex with Superboy.

You get along nicely with the Light, as they trust you enough to know that you can calm Klarion down and that you're classed as a criminal

Occasionally, you have unnerved them with the gory deaths about some of your kills, Klarion kissing your cheek out of pure happiness from hearing the defined details

Teekl doesn't really care about it as long as you get the blood off her fur if you get any on her later.

A lot of lives are lost when you two are together... Which is all the time

(Secretly, the young justice team have envied how much freedom you get when with Klarion-> This is after they have to tidy up the mess you two make)

Sorry if this isn't very good, literally made this and posted it the same day. I've loved Klarion's character for quite a long time now and saw that, although the fanfics are good, there isn't a lot of them. I'm down for requests, but right now I don't think I can do many. You can send me stuff and I'll write it down, just don't be upset if I don't post it in the next week or two. If this isn't up to your standards then srry aha, I realise I don't add much fluff and focus more on the storyline, but there's always room for improvement tho✌️

[delphinidin4]

“Abominable neglect and unkindness”: Fanny Price and Trauma

I have C-PTSD, and it’s really been on my mind as I’ve been rereading Mansfield Park by Jane Austen: her heroine of Fanny Price is so OBVIOUSLY traumatized that I started making notes upon notes upon notes in my kindle copy on her symptoms and their causes. A couple of my followers said they’d be interested to read my analysis if I wrote it up, and it doesn’t take much to encourage me to put a few thousand words on the page screen! So below is my (probably WAY too long) analysis of Fanny Price’s emotional trauma and complex PTSD (a form of PTSD often caused by long-term emotional abuse/neglect). It’s hella long. sorrynotsorry lol

*unleashes inner academic*

Part 1: How Fanny Price Was Traumatized

Trauma 1: She is taken from family and home. 

Okay, imagine this: You’re ten years old. You grew up in a noisy, lower-middle-class family with multiple little siblings and both your parents. You are the oldest girl, and are important to all the members of your family because you act as “playfellow, instructress, and nurse” to your younger siblings. You are also “exceedingly timid and shy”. And suddenly you find out that your mother is SENDING YOU AWAY--far, far away--to aunts and uncle and cousins you’ve never met before, to be raised by THEM instead of your parents. Leaving everything else out of the equation for a second, that by itself would be ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATING.  You would feel like your parents didn’t love you and didn’t want you. You weren’t important to them. You might wonder what you did wrong to be sent away. And THEN it turns out you’re NEVER COMING BACK. EVER. Fanny doesn’t see her family again until she is, I think nineteen years old. At first, she doesn’t even have the means to write to her brother William, which was to be her ONLY connection to her family: it seems her parents don’t write to her at all over the course of the novel.

All of this would be bad enough. But to come to a place that was entirely alien to everything you had known... I mean, think about it. This is Mansfield Park, an ENORMOUS house with MANY servants, a completely different way of doing things. There’s MONEY. Even the items around you are of a totally different quality than you’re used to: Austen says of Fanny’s initial impression of Mansfield, “The grandeur of the house astonished, but could not console her. The rooms were too large for her to move in with ease: whatever she touched she expected to injure, and she crept about in constant terror of something or other; often retreating towards her own chamber to cry.” The accent people speak with is probably different. The vocabulary is probably different. And everybody DEFINITELY thought she was under-educated (more about this in a bit) because she didn’t have the education of a gentleman’s daughter--because she ISN’T a gentleman’s daughter. It must have caused her intense culture shock.

Trauma 2: William’s absence

It’s clear that in her childhood in Portsmouth, William is the dearest member of Fanny’s family (see below for a discussion of her parents). When Fanny first arrives at Mansfield, Edmund discovers that, 

dear as all these brothers and sisters generally were, there was one among them who ran more in her thoughts than the rest. It was William whom she talked of most, and wanted most to see. William, the eldest, a year older than herself, her constant companion and friend; her advocate with her mother (of whom he was the darling) in every distress. ‘William did not like she should come away; he had told her he should miss her very much indeed.’ 

Fanny’s one really warm and loving connection seems to be with William, and she is parted from him, first by her move to Mansfield, and then by his going to sea:

Once, and once only, in the course of many years, had she the happiness of being with William. Of the rest [of her Portsmouth family] she saw nothing: nobody seemed to think of her ever going amongst them again, even for a visit, nobody at home seemed to want her; but William determining, soon after her removal, to be a sailor, was invited to spend a week with his sister in Northamptonshire before he went to sea. Their eager affection in meeting, their exquisite delight in being together, their hours of happy mirth, and moments of serious conference, may be imagined; as well as ...the misery of the girl when he left her. Luckily the visit happened in the Christmas holidays, when she could directly look for comfort to her cousin Edmund.

Fanny continues a correspondence with William when he is at sea, but it’s clear that his long absence from her life is very difficult for her.

One final note on her being parted from her family for long intervals: I think we might actually see a sign of this trauma in an emotional flashback later in the book.

For those unfamiliar with complex PTSD, flashbacks don’t always mean that you have a sort of hallucination of a traumatic experience. In the case of complex PTSD and PTSD from early childhood trauma, flashbacks often occur in the form of “emotional flashbacks”: instead of re-experiencing the sensory  input of the traumatic experience (seeing and hearing the experience all over again when triggered), emotional flashbacks consist ONLY of the emotional content of the trauma. They result in sudden rushes of negative emotions such as fear, shame, sorrow, despair, embarrassment, anger, etc. This may be partly because the trigger is acting on so many different traumatic memories at once (the brain can’t just pick out one to show to you) and partly because the traumatic memory being triggered is from so early in your childhood that you don’t have a direct memory of it anymore, just the trauma memory. Emotional flashbacks can be identified by comparing the emotional response to the stimulus: If the emotion is inappropriate for the situation or inappropriately intense, it may well be a flashback.

In this scene, Miss Crawford--whom Fanny does not care for at all--is taking her leave of Fanny: I find it to be illuminating.

And embracing her very affectionately, “Good, gentle Fanny! when I think of this being the last time of seeing you for I do not know how long, I feel it quite impossible to do anything but love you.”

Fanny was affected. She had not foreseen anything of this, and her feelings could seldom withstand the melancholy influence of the word “last.” She cried as if she had loved Miss Crawford more than she possibly could.

It sounds to me as if Fanny is having a negative reaction that is out of proportion for and inappropriate to the situation. Miss Crawford is leaving, and Fanny is GLAD that she is leaving. Nonetheless, she is involuntarily emotionally “affected” by Miss Crawford’s goodbye, and cries far more than is actually in keeping with her feelings. It seems like Fanny is triggered by the leave-taking and “the melancholy influence of the word ‘last’.”  Fanny has had traumatic leave-takings from her family and her beloved William; and things like “This is the last time I’ll see you for who knows how long” must have been said to her before in intensely traumatic situations. So it’s no wonder she gets triggered by this situation’s similarity to those and has an out-sized emotional response. Separations from her family and from William were definitely traumatic to her and reminders of them now trigger trauma responses.

Trauma 3: Emotional neglect by parental figures

Fanny might not have been so badly traumatized by leaving her family and being separated from William if she had had emotional support from adult caregivers. Research has shown that if a child has even ONE adult to whom they can talk openly about their feelings, that can insulate them against the effects of trauma.

Fanny doesn’t have this. Both Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram are emotionally neglectful and distant.* Lady Bertram is pleasant, but is entirely self-centered and doesn’t really GAF about anybody or anything that doesn’t directly affect her. While she never abuses or hurts Fanny with unkindness, she also never comforts her, listens to her, or seems to do anything but get Fanny to fetch and carry for her and do half her sewing for her. There is a total lack of emotional  connection between them until considerably later in the story. 

[*Footnote: Miss Lee is surprisingly absent from the narrative and seems to be of no emotional support to Fanny whatsoever.]

Sir Thomas is worse. While he intends to take good care of Fanny--and to his credit, he does make sure she has her material needs met, is well educated, gets exercise, etc--he cannot be said to be NICE to her. Even when she first arrives, when he is trying his hardest to be kind, Austen says, “Sir Thomas, seeing how much she needed encouragement, tried to be all that was conciliating: but he had to work against a most untoward gravity of deportment.” He’s not good with kids, and he seems to be highly critical of Fanny, especially before his return from Antigua. Apparently he used to terrify her in childhood by catechizing her on her lessons in French in English, which implies he constantly found her wanting. His parting words to her on the beginning of his voyage to Antigua are downright scalding:  “If William does come to Mansfield, I hope you may be able to convince him that the many years which have passed since you parted have not been spent on your side entirely without improvement; though, I fear, he must find his sister at sixteen in some respects too much like his sister at ten.”

JFC, Tommy-boy. Throttle back a little, can’t you?

He’s not popular even with his own daughters: Austen says of Maria and Julia, “Their father was no object of love to them; he had never seemed the friend of their pleasures, and his absence was unhappily most welcome. They were relieved by it from all restraint”. Sir Thomas comes across as a bit of a martinet, always finding fault and always saying no. At best, he doesn’t seem to be at all warm and encouraging, and appears to be almost entirely ignorant, not only of what Fanny’s character is like, but also about his own daughters’ characters.

There’s also the problem of his lack of understanding and compassion for Fanny. She describes him as “all that was clever and good,” but both his cleverness and goodness frequently seem to be lacking. He doesn’t understand Fanny’s feelings any more than he understands those of Maria, sending Edmund to sound Fanny out on the subject of Mr. Crawford because he CANNOT understand how a woman might not love a man that was clever, pleasant and rich. While he provided the money to raise Fanny, his disregard of her is clear when he sends her on a long visit to Portsmouth, where her health suffers. Even Crawford recognizes Sir Thomas’s likeliness to neglect her:

I know Mansfield, I know its way, I know its faults towards you. I know the danger of your being so far forgotten, as to have your comforts give way to the imaginary convenience of any single being in the family. I am aware that you may be left here week after week, if Sir Thomas cannot settle everything ... without involving the slightest alteration of the arrangements which he may have laid down for the next quarter of a year.

Sir Thomas, while priding himself (and being praised by others) as being so kind and clever, has low emotional intelligence and too little care for Fanny. Despite his occasional kindnesses, and her claim on his care as his direct dependent, she is not one of his priorities.

Of course, Fanny’s own parents would have had the strongest effects on her earliest years (especially considering the Prices didn’t seem to have a nanny or governess, so Mrs. Price would have been responsible for all her education, as well).  It’s clear that Fanny’s mother didn’t show her much love in her early childhood: Mrs. Price is described as 

“the ‘mama’ who had certainly shewn no remarkable fondness for her formerly; but this [Fanny] could easily suppose to have been her own fault or her own fancy. She had probably alienated love by the helplessness and fretfulness of a fearful temper, or been unreasonable in wanting a larger share than any one among so many could deserve.” 

We can see Fanny here doing what so many emotionally neglected children do, making excuses for their parents and assuming that the emotional neglect and abuse they suffer are somehow THEIR fault. Many emotionally abused or neglected children believe that they’re too loud, too needy, too much, and even ugly, blaming themselves for their parents’ rejecting and disgusted behavior toward them.

It’s proven, however, when Fanny goes home, that her parents are just as neglectful of her as she felt them to be formerly. Her father is “negligent of his family”, and her mother clearly does not really love her:

Mrs. Price was not unkind; but, instead of gaining on her affection and confidence, and becoming more and more dear, her daughter never met with greater kindness from her than on the first day of her arrival. The instinct of nature was soon satisfied, and Mrs. Price’s attachment had no other source. Her heart and her time were already quite full; she had neither leisure nor affection to bestow on Fanny. Her daughters never had been much to her.* She was fond of her sons, especially of William, but Betsey was the first of her girls whom she had ever much regarded. To her she was most injudiciously indulgent. William was her pride; Betsey her darling; and John, Richard, Sam, Tom, and Charles occupied all the rest of her maternal solicitude, alternately her worries and her comforts. These shared her heart: her time was given chiefly to her house and her servants.

[*Footnote: I have to stop here for a moment and mention poor Susan, whom I like better at every reading. With Mrs. Price only loving her sons and Betsy, with Mary dead and Fanny gone, Susan was for years THE ONLY completely unloved child in the house, which must have been pretty awful. It’s clear that Fanny and Susan have suffered rather similar fates in being raised without love, and Susan only responds more with irritation and Fanny more with tears:  “Susan was only acting on the same truths, and pursuing the same system, which [Fanny’s] own judgment acknowledged, but which her more supine and yielding temper would have shrunk from asserting. Susan tried to be useful, where she could only have gone away and cried”. Please tell me somebody’s written a sequel about Susan?]

Again, while Mr. and Mrs. Price are not CRUEL, they’re not KIND, either. They are deeply emotionally neglectful toward Susan and Fanny, and Mrs. Price shows favoritism for the rest of her children, thus hurting her daughters further. Fanny’s probable surmise when she was sent away that she was not loved or wanted by her parents unfortunately appears to be very true. While an adult like Fanny can rationalize such behavior by her parents (even if it pains her), a child cannot do so, and the Prices’ lack of love for their own daughter must have been traumatizing and contributed to her belief that she can never matter to anybody (more on this in a bit).

Trauma 4: Lack of Companionship: Maria and Julia (and Miss Lee)

Fanny’s education when she arrives at Mansfield is not that of a gentlewoman--hardly surprising, given both her family’s socioeconomic position and her mother’s busy-ness with her family and general indolence. Maria and Julia’s education on scholarly subjects is clearly much stronger (they’re also 2-3 years older than her), and we know that their moral education was neglected, so that they only care about whether Fanny is rich and well-educated like themselves:

They could not but hold her cheap on finding that she had but two sashes, and had never learned French; and when they perceived her to be little struck with the duet they were so good as to play, they could do no more than make her a generous present of some of their least valued toys, and leave her to herself, while they adjourned to whatever might be the favourite holiday sport of the moment, making artificial flowers or wasting gold paper.

They’re generous enough to give her presents (though their least-valued belongings), but not generous enough to actually spend time with her, and it appears that this pattern holds throughout Fanny’s time at Mansfield.

At first, Mrs. Norris, Sir Thomas, and Miss Lee all think her actually stupid instead of just ill-educated: we are told that not only did Miss Lee “[wonder] at her ignorance,” but

A mean opinion of her abilities was not confined to [Sir Thomas and Mrs. Norris]. Fanny could read, work [that means “sew”], and write, but she had been taught nothing more; and as her cousins found her ignorant of many things with which they had been long familiar, they thought her prodigiously stupid, and for the first two or three weeks were continually bringing some fresh report of it into the drawing-room.

You would think that the adults at least would realize that Fanny hadn’t had the opportunity of a gentlewoman’s education, but no, they attribute it to natural stupidity instead of opportunity:

“My dear,” their considerate aunt would reply, “it is very bad, but you must not expect everybody to be as forward and quick at learning as yourself.”

It is only Edmund who perceives that Fanny is not only NOT stupid, she’s actually clever:

He knew her to be clever, to have a quick apprehension as well as good sense, and a fondness for reading, which, properly directed, must be an education in itself. Miss Lee taught her French, and heard her read the daily portion of history; but he recommended the books which charmed her leisure hours, he encouraged her taste, and corrected her judgment: he made reading useful by talking to her of what she read, and heightened its attraction by judicious praise.

One wonders, if a sixteen-year-old boy hadn’t decided to undertake part of Fanny’s education himself, how much worse off would she have been?

That Fanny’s companionship fell almost entirely to a teenage boy six years her senior who spends most of the year away at boarding school/university, is a ringing indictment of the behavior of Maria and Julia, and of those who should have been encouraging them to make a friend of their cousin.

Trauma 5: Mrs Norris (who gets a fucking section all her own)

Here we are. We’ve finally come to it. The other four traumas would certainly have been sufficient to cause C-PTSD, but JFC, Mrs. Norris could have caused it all by her lonesome. While she comes across as amusing in Austen’s sardonic style, she is absolutely toxic for Fanny’s mental health.

Mrs. Norris seems to have had an out-sized effect on the three Mansfield girls. Generally, mothers were in charge of the education of their daughters (even if indirectly, through a governess), so while Sir Thomas did examine them on their lessons, it was really supposed to be Lady Bertram’s job to see to their practical and moral education. But Lady Bertram is an absolute zero, a completely passive character, and Austen says directly that, “To the education of her daughters Lady Bertram paid not the smallest attention.” So it seems like the much more active Mrs. Norris stepped in, and her influence was extremely strong with all three of them, despite her being married and having her own house and her own concerns for the first seven or so years of Fanny’s time at Mansfield.

We can see her influence with all three in the fact that all three of the Mansfield girls end up evaluating themselves in almost perfect accordance to how Mrs. Norris evaluated them. Maria, the golden child*, became very spoiled and proud and thought she could do almost whatever she wanted. Fanny, the scapegoat, came to believe that her only worth was in being “useful” (Mrs. Norris’s hobby-horse) and that she could never be of any importance to anybody. And Julia, while closer to Maria’s level of treatment than Fanny’s, also suffers from comparisons to the golden child:

That Julia escaped better than Maria was owing, in some measure, to a favourable difference of disposition and circumstance, but in a greater to her having been less the darling of that very aunt, less flattered and less spoilt. Her beauty and acquirements had held but a second place. She had been always used to think herself a little inferior to Maria.

[*footnote: Treating one child as the golden child and one as the scapegoat is a very common tactic of abusive caregivers. The scapegoat becomes entirely worn down in self-esteem so that she is powerless to fight back against the abuse. The golden child and other children see how the scapegoat is treated and try hard not to rock the boat because they don’t want to end up like that.]

Mrs. Norris teaches Fanny from the beginning to judge and reject her own natural emotions. On her first traumatic separation from her family, Mrs. Norris lectures her incessantly on how she ought to be HAPPY, not sad:

  Mrs. Norris had been talking to her the whole way from Northampton of her wonderful good fortune, and the extraordinary degree of gratitude and good behaviour which it ought to produce, and her consciousness of misery was therefore increased by the idea of its being a wicked thing for her not to be happy.

Fanny is taught to regard her own natural feelings as “wicked”, especially when they are a negative reaction to how the Bertram/Norris family treats her. While she can see some of her own feelings as just--when they have been sanctioned by Edmund’s judgment--any feeling that tends away from perfect gratitude toward the Bertram/Norris family she immediately rejects as an immoral response. She frequently takes herself to task at these moments. Anger and resentment are natural responses meant to help us protect ourselves against mistreatment from others, and this self-defending response is entirely squelched by Mrs. Norris’s behavior to her.

Mrs. Norris’s behavior toward Fanny is not only emotionally abusive; it is also at least physically neglectful, if not physically abusive. Despite the fact that everyone agrees that Fanny “is not strong”, Mrs. Norris makes a lot of difficulties in Edmund’s attempts to make sure Fanny has a horse to ride, and also refuses to allow Fanny a fire in the East Room, even in the middle of winter, a privation that ever Sir Thomas thinks bad enough that he countermands it--though doing so with a little explanatory disclaimer to Fanny explaining why Mrs. Norris MEANS well and why Fanny shouldn’t dare to be angry, or indeed anything but immensely and forever grateful for their neglectful treatment of her:

Your aunt Norris has always been an advocate, and very judiciously, for young people’s being brought up without unnecessary indulgences; but there should be moderation in everything. She is also very hardy herself, which of course will influence her in her opinion of the wants of others. And on another account, too, I can perfectly comprehend. I know what her sentiments have always been. The principle was good in itself, but it may have been, and I believe has been, carried too far in your case. I am aware that there has been sometimes, in some points, a misplaced distinction; but I think too well of you, Fanny, to suppose you will ever harbour resentment on that account. You have an understanding which will prevent you from receiving things only in part, and judging partially by the event. You will take in the whole of the past, you will consider times, persons, and probabilities, and you will feel that they were not least your friends who were educating and preparing you for that mediocrity of condition which seemed to be your lot. Though their caution may prove eventually unnecessary, it was kindly meant; and of this you may be assured, that every advantage of affluence will be doubled by the little privations and restrictions that may have been imposed. I am sure you will not disappoint my opinion of you, by failing at any time to treat your aunt Norris with the respect and attention that are due to her.

~*GAAASSSSS-LIGHTINNNNGGGGGGG*~  

“Oh, shit, you’ve been freezing to death here for years because your aunt’s an abusive asshole. Oh, but there are three million excuses for her, and also you’re SO GOOD AND GRATEFUL that I KNOW you’ll never allow yourself to see it for the abuse it was, and aren’t you so GRATEFUL to us all for everything we’ve done for you? We MEANT well. And being abused was good for you anyway. If you ever get mad at your abusers I’ll treat you with withering criticism.” 

*gagggg* I could write an entire essay explicating the gaslighting in that passage ALONE.

I could go on and on about Mrs. Norris’s abusive behavior toward Fanny, but I think most of it’s perfectly obvious to the reader. I think a very interesting argument might be made on whether Mrs. Norris would count as having a form of narcissistic personality disorder--always worried about her own importance, living through her golden child Maria, taking everything out on her scapegoat, insisting always on associating her own value with that of Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram and insisting on Fanny’s status being lower because her own self-esteem is dependent on being as good as her sister Bertram and better than her sister Price. Might be interesting.

Part 2: Fanny Price’s Trauma Responses

Complex emotional trauma expresses itself in a number of symptoms and behaviors. We’ve already talked about emotional flashbacks, and I’m going to look at four more major aspects of Fanny’s trauma responses.

Anxiety and Hypervigilance

People with PTSD often suffer from hypervigilance, where their body is constantly on high alert for threats in their environment. These threats are not only physical threats (resulting in things like jumping really hard at sudden noises) but also interpersonal threats. For instance, whenever I hear people talking really quietly in my house, I stop whatever I’m doing and listen REALLY HARD because I’m worried they’re talking about me and it’s gonna be bad.

Fanny exhibits this same behavior when she has retreated to the East Room when Crawford is in the house to propose to her:

She sat some time in a good deal of agitation, listening, trembling, and fearing to be sent for every moment; but as no footsteps approached the East room, she grew gradually composed, could sit down, and be able to employ herself, and able to hope that Mr. Crawford had come and would go without her being obliged to know anything of the matter.

Nearly half an hour had passed, and she was growing very comfortable, when suddenly the sound of a step in regular approach was heard; a heavy step, an unusual step in that part of the house: it was her uncle’s; she knew it as well as his voice; she had trembled at it as often, and began to tremble again, at the idea of his coming up to speak to her, whatever might be the subject. It was indeed Sir Thomas who opened the door and asked if she were there, and if he might come in. The terror of his former occasional visits to that room seemed all renewed, and she felt as if he were going to examine her again in French and English.

Her trembling at the sound of her uncle’s footsteps looks like hypervigilance, and the fact of her childhood “terror” being “renewed” sounds like she’s having another flashback, since she so strongly associates the presence of her uncle in the East Room with those painful childhood visits. She reacts with physical symptoms of stress, trembling at his approach.

Fanny’s anxiety and hypervigilance also demonstrates itself in her being constantly convinced that people are going to be angry with her. When she turns Mr. Crawford down, for instance, she is CONVINCED that Miss Crawford is going to be furious with her, and fears to meet with her. Edmund tells her Miss Crawford isn’t REALLY angry with her, but cannot convince her:

The promised visit from “her friend,” as Edmund called Miss Crawford, was a formidable threat to Fanny, and she lived in continual terror of it. As a sister, so partial and so angry, and so little scrupulous of what she said... she was in every way an object of painful alarm. ...The dependence of having others present when they met was Fanny’s only support in looking forward to it. She absented herself as little as possible from Lady Bertram, kept away from the East room, and took no solitary walk in the shrubbery, in her caution to avoid any sudden attack.

Fanny is so terrified of a polite confrontation with Miss Crawford, whom she has never seen angry before, that she spends DAYS trying to never be alone so that she’ll feel protected by the presence of company! Of course, when Miss Crawford DOES visit, she’s nothing but friendly. But Fanny’s PTSD couldn’t allow her to believe that until it happened. Her anxiety is intense, and this sort of thing happens repeatedly over the course of the novel.

Over-accommodation of others / people-pleasing

Childhood emotional trauma frequently leads to people-pleasing behavior: doing what you do not want to do simply because someone else wants you to.  To understand this, you have to put yourself into the point of view of a very young child or an infant. Children depend entirely on their caregivers for survival: they are aware of this on an instinctive level. If the caregiver shows them very conditional love, only appearing pleased with them when the child does things they like and displeased when the child does things that inconvenience them, the child quickly learns that they need to please their caregivers in order to survive. “Mom gets angry when I cry--Mom doesn’t like me to cry--if Mom gets angry at me, I could starve to death--I need to not cry.” Obviously this line of thinking happens on a subconscious rather than a conscious level, but it’s incredibly powerful nonetheless. I have found myself in situations where a person with some kind of power over me--a doctor, for instance--shows displeasure with something I say to them, and I INSTANTLY find myself backing off, making light of it, taking back everything I said, etc, even though I very much meant it and it needed to be said. The people-pleasing instinct is very strong and difficult to overcome.

In Fanny’s case, it isn’t just a matter of her caregivers showing her inconsistent love in early childhood. Even as an adult, she is fully aware that she needs to please the Bertrams, or she--and her family!--are SCREWED. She is entirely financially dependent on the Bertrams. If she displeases them, not only can they make her life at Mansfield even MORE uncomfortable than it already is, but they can send her back to Portsmouth. Even worse, they could stop their financial support of William and the financial support they are periodically sending to the rest of her family. Huge things hang on Fanny’s pleasing the Bertrams, and it’s small wonder she has developed the habit of trying to please everybody constantly (even her un-pleasable Aunt Norris).

Fanny repeatedly does things she doesn’t want to do, simply because someone asks or tells her to, even if there’s likely to be no major consequences if she doesn’t. One example is on Miss Crawford’s last visit to Mansfield, when Fanny is trying her darnedest to avoid speaking with her alone:

[Miss Crawford] was determined to see Fanny alone, and therefore said to her tolerably soon, in a low voice, “I must speak to you for a few minutes somewhere”; words that Fanny felt all over her, in all her pulses and all her nerves. Denial was impossible. Her habits of ready submission, on the contrary, made her almost instantly rise and lead the way out of the room. She did it with wretched feelings, but it was inevitable.

Fanny doesn’t want to talk to Miss Crawford alone. Fanny doesn’t NEED to talk to Miss Crawford alone. Fanny could stall, perhaps until Miss Crawford left. Nonetheless, the MOMENT Miss Crawford asks it of her, Fanny does it--even though she’s clearly terrified, feeling it “in all her pulses and all her nerves” (more on this physical reaction later). She acts almost like Ella Enchanted: she literally can’t say no.

Likewise, she doesn’t take opportunities she is offered to do things that she DOES wish to do. After a very long description of how much she wants to dance one evening, when her only chance of a partner is Tom, the following exchange occurs:

When he had told of his horse, [Tom] took a newspaper from the table, and looking over it, said in a languid way, “If you want to dance, Fanny, I will stand up with you.” With more than equal civility the offer was declined; she did not wish to dance. “I am glad of it,” said he, in a much brisker tone, and throwing down the newspaper again, “for I am tired to death.”

Fanny DOES want to dance, and the way that he worded the question, she could very well have said, “Yes, please,” and gotten up to dance with him. He has made it obvious that he doesn’t want to dance, and she has picked up on this and said--not only that they don’t have to dance, but the LIE that she doesn’t WANT to dance--in order to please him. Later Austen points Tom out as a hypocrite when he complains, “It raises my spleen more than anything, to have the pretence of being asked, of being given a choice, and at the same time addressed in such a way as to oblige one to do the very thing, whatever it be!” But while it is true that Tom left Fanny LITTLE choice in the matter, it is also true that a stronger character, like Miss Crawford, could probably have found a way to say that she DID want to dance, even with such an unencouraging questioner. Fanny cannot do this: she has been conditioned all her life to give in to people--because her very SURVIVAL has depended on it.

In particular, Mrs. Norris has squelched Fanny’s independence of spirit very firmly. At one point she observes, very unfairly,

There is a something about Fanny, I have often observed it before—she likes to go her own way to work; she does not like to be dictated to; she takes her own independent walk whenever she can; she certainly has a little spirit of secrecy, and independence, and nonsense, about her, which I would advise her to get the better of.”

As a general reflection on Fanny, Sir Thomas thought nothing could be more unjust.

Obviously, Mrs. Norris is completely wrong about this. But as long as she can project* the fault of independence on Fanny, and punish Fanny for this false fault, she can prevent her from ever developing it. By picking on the least little supposed sign of independence and harping on it for ages, Mrs. Norris can prevent Fanny from ever developing a will of her own.

[*Footnote: this is another thing narcissists do: they project their own bad behavior on to others. Mrs. Norris is definitely not secretive, but she is very “independent” and has a lot of “nonsense”--instead of consulting with others about what they actually need in any given situation, she TELLS them. She has no spirit of cooperation, and all her “services” to others tend to be officious and useless.]

Low self-esteem

I thought about putting this together with the section on Mrs. Norris, because Fanny’s self-esteem has been so much shaped by her aunt. This is the kind of message Mrs. Norris is constantly drilling into her about the lowness of her importance:

The nonsense and folly of people’s stepping out of their rank and trying to appear above themselves, makes me think it right to give you a hint, Fanny, now that you are going into company without any of us; and I do beseech and entreat you not to be putting yourself forward, and talking and giving your opinion as if you were one of your cousins—as if you were dear Mrs. Rushworth or Julia. That will never do, believe me. Remember, wherever you are, you must be the lowest and last.

This message is so entirely in keeping with the messages Mrs. Norris has been indoctrinating Fanny with over the years that she has fully internalized it. When a primary caregiver tells you over and over again that you do not matter to anyone, you come to believe it:

[Fanny:] “I can never be important to any one.”

[Edmund:] “What is to prevent you?”

“Everything. My situation, my foolishness and awkwardness.”

“As to your foolishness and awkwardness, my dear Fanny, believe me, you never have a shadow of either, but in using the words so improperly. There is no reason in the world why you should not be important where you are known. You have good sense, and a sweet temper, and I am sure you have a grateful heart, that could never receive kindness without wishing to return it. I do not know any better qualifications for a friend and companion.”

“You are too kind,” said Fanny, colouring at such praise; “how shall I ever thank you as I ought, for thinking so well of me.”

Fanny’s “I can never be important to any one” sounds very much like a triggered teenager sobbing, “Nobody will ever love me!” even while friends next to her are demonstrating that they DO love her. The survivor of this kind of abuse comes to a place where their beliefs do not reflect reality because their beliefs instead reflect the intense emotional rejection they have received from their main caregivers*. Fanny is important to Edmund, William, and Lady Bertram, but is convinced that she not only is NOT important to ANYONE, but never CAN be. She also convinced that she is foolish and awkward, probably by the early experiences at Mansfield when she didn’t know all the intricate rules of high society and was far behind Maria and Julia in her education. Fanny, though she is extremely shy, manages to carry off most things with surprising grace, and she is clever and has a wisdom and common sense in some things far beyond her years. Yet she is CERTAIN that she is “foolish and awkward”, because she has been repeatedly called so by authority figures in her life and almost all of her family at Mansfield.

[*Footnote: these extreme beliefs are often couched in “black-and-white” language: “EVERYBODY hates me, NOBODY loves me, I’ll NEVER be able to do it right, I’ll be alone FOREVER”. We can hear this in Fanny’s “I can NEVER be of importance to ANY ONE”.]

Fanny not only thinks very lowly of herself, she also is afraid of being praised or of anything that could possibly raise her self-esteem. For instance, in a discussion with Edmund, she explains why she never wants anybody to notice her:

[Edmund:] “Your uncle is disposed to be pleased with you in every respect; and I only wish you would talk to him more. You are one of those who are too silent in the evening circle.”

[Fanny:] “But I do talk to him more than I used. I am sure I do. Did not you hear me ask him about the slave-trade last night?”

“I did—and was in hopes the question would be followed up by others. It would have pleased your uncle to be inquired of farther.”

“And I longed to do it—but there was such a dead silence! And while my cousins were sitting by without speaking a word, or seeming at all interested in the subject, I did not like—I thought it would appear as if I wanted to set myself off at their expense, by shewing a curiosity and pleasure in his information which he must wish his own daughters to feel.”

“Miss Crawford was very right in what she said of you the other day: that you seemed almost as fearful of notice and praise as other women were of neglect.”

She is literally fearful of notice and praise--because Mrs. Norris has told her repeatedly throughout her life that she must NEVER shine more than Maria or Julia, must NEVER take attention away from them--a sort of vicarious narcissism. And Fanny feels that to receive a compliment, to state her own opinions, or even to TALK much in company is “stepping out of her place”, the high crime and misdemeanor of Mrs. Norris’s upbringing.

I was raised by a narcissistic caretaker, and I am sometimes suddenly overwhelmed with terror that I’m taking too much attention to myself and that I’m therefore BAD somehow. Because a narcissist (or their proxy, the golden child) must always be the center of attention, the scapegoat is emotionally punished for ever taking the spotlight. Mrs. Norris is disposed to be upset when Sir Thomas holds a dance in Fanny’s honor, and is only reconciled to it because SHE will be able to make herself the center of attention in the preparations.*

[*Footnote: I think another argument can be made for Mrs. Norris’s narcissism in her response to Crawford’s proposal to Fanny:

Angry she was: bitterly angry; but she was more angry with Fanny for having received such an offer than for refusing it. It was an injury and affront to Julia, who ought to have been Mr. Crawford’s choice; and, independently of that, she disliked Fanny, because she had neglected her; and she would have grudged such an elevation to one whom she had been always trying to depress.

Mrs. Norris is DETERMINED to put Fanny down, as the scapegoat, and is offended that one of her golden children (her emotional stand-in) is shown less honor in this situation than the scapegoat. For the scapegoat to be elevated and her narcissistic stand-in to be neglected induces a narcissistic rage.] 

“Sensibility” and High Sensitivity

In the 18th century, a theory and “culture of sensibility” grew up in places like Britain, France, Holland, and the British colonies. Encyclopedia.com’s article on sensibility states, “Sensibility (and ‘sensible’ and ‘sentiment’) connoted the operation of the nervous system, the material basis for consciousness.” But the workings of the nervous system, they believed, affected more than just the physical body. Some people, it was held, had greater sensibility than others: their nerves were more easily affected by not only physical but also emotional and moral input, and they responded accordingly--not just in word and in deed, but in tears, blushes, trembling, fainting, etc. It was believed that people’s emotional responses AND physical responses could tell you something about their physical AND moral makeup. A truly modest woman, for instance, would blush and look confused when confronted with something that offended her maidenly modesty. A woman--or indeed, man--who was truly moral and “sensible” would be emotionally affected by something sad, such as a tale of oppression, to the point of openly weeping. A heroine of sensibility would most likely faint if threatened with something she found, not only physically frightening, but morally abhorrent (such as a forced marriage). This is part of the reason for what seems to use like excessive emotional reactions in some 18th-century novels: the writer is demonstrating her characters’ moral superiority through their physical sensibility.*

[*Footnote: Encyclopedia.com adds, “The coexistence of reason and feeling was assumed, but the proportion of each was endlessly debated, above all because of what many saw as the dangers of unleashed feelings... [After the French Revolution,]  The debate over the proportions of reason and feeling in persons of sensibility was politicized, and the need for women to channel their feelings toward moral and domestic goals was reemphasized. The word ‘sentimental,’ which had been used positively, became a label for ‘excessive sensibility’ and self-indulgence.” We can see this conflict clearly in Austen’s Sense and Sensibility!]

There is, in fact, a modern equivalent to the 18th century idea of sensibility: the concept of the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). First proposed by Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person (1996), the theory suggests that SPS 

is a temperamental or personality trait involving "an increased sensitivity of the central nervous system and a deeper cognitive processing of physical, social and emotional stimuli". The trait is characterized by "a tendency to 'pause to check' in novel situations, greater sensitivity to subtle stimuli, and the engagement of deeper cognitive processing strategies for employing coping actions, all of which is driven by heightened emotional reactivity, both positive and negative". (wikipedia)

While some people have mocked this theory as pseudoscience, Aron is by no means the only researcher to have studied it, and a great many people who suffered from people telling them “You’re too sensitive” when they were hurt have taken comfort in the positive affirmation that high sensitivity is a natural phenomenon and can even at times be regarded as a strength rather than a character flaw.

It seems to me that there is a good deal of overlap between those who self-identify or may be identified as HSPs and those who have C-PTSD. Whether this is because greater emotional sensitivity leads to a greater incidence of traumatic responses to negative experiences, or whether high sensitivity is itself a product of repeated childhood trauma, I can’t say. (Heck, it could even be that the HSP’s belief that they’re over-sensitive comes from childhood gaslighting!)

What I can say is that Fanny Price exhibits, not only hypervigilance, but also what Austen would call “great sensibility” and I would call “SPS”. Fanny has the greatest sensibility of any character in the entire novel, even Edmund: she judges more clearly on moral matters than Edmund or Sir Thomas, and has the strongest physical and emotional reactions to stimuli. She seems to be constantly blushing, trembling, or tearing up. This is not only painful to modern readers (who, if they’re not pained by sympathizing with her, may well be pained by what seems to them a lack of proper 21st-century backbone in a main character) but is clearly highly uncomfortable at times to Fanny herself. She might be able to pride herself on her moral discernment (not that Fanny would EVER pride herself on ANYTHING), and she may be in transports of happiness when something good, like William’s arrival or promotion, occur, but she is often “cast down” as well by things that seem to others like trifles. We see this not only in her hypervigilance but also in the depression and the black-and-white thinking which are often the products of trauma. Edmund observes to her, “It is your disposition to be easily dejected and to fancy difficulties greater than they are.” Fanny’s apparent high sensitivity may be just a natural trait (made worse by trauma) or may itself be a product of trauma.

Conclusions

At the end of all this, I’m really not sure what I think about Fanny’s “happy ending”. On one hand, she gets what she’s always wanted in life: companionate marriage with Edmund, valued by Sir Thomas and Lady Bertram, with Mrs. Norris (and Maria) gone forever, and Julia and Tom chastened and better behaved. It seems perfect for her. But a little voice inside of me keeps saying how very unlikely it is. People rarely change as much as Sir Thomas does in the book--and in fact, we are only assured by Austen that Sir Thomas comes to value Fanny more: we don’t actually SEE it. I can’t help but feel that Fanny must still have been subject to ongoing gaslighting about how she was brought up and about respect toward Mrs. Norris and himself. Fanny got what she thought she wanted, but at the same time, she didn’t get free. Especially considering that Austen goes out of her way to say that things COULD have turned out differently and that Fanny and Crawford COULD have been happy together, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Fanny had ended up with the ONLY person in the entire book who truly recognizes how badly she has been treated at Mansfield Park:

[Crawford]: And they will now see their cousin treated as she ought to be, and I wish they may be heartily ashamed of their own abominable neglect and unkindness.

[angelikook]

Pas de Deux

Pairing(s): Dance teacher!Hoseok x reader

Genre: Hurt/comfort, fluff

Word Count: 6.7k

Warning(s): Profanity

Summary: Your dance teacher, Hoseok, might teach you a bit more than just dancing.

A/n Moral of the story, never seek validation from anyone. You can do whatever you want as long as you're happy and you're not doing anything wrong.

There will be a mention about Blue Side and its meanings. Check this link for the complete analysis (it's in Indonesian). Shout out to the writer for the in-depth analysis.

There were days when you wished you were more flexible. Or athletic. Or both.

Like today for instance.

Your weekly Friday-night private dance class didn’t look too good as usual. First of all, you had a literal dance God stood in front of you as your dance teacher. In front of him, you looked like a baby giraffe learning how to stand on four wobbly legs.

During the past few months you’ve been his student, through ups and downs that had more downs, his smile never faltered, his energy never died out, and his patience never ran out.

Every time you fell on your bruising butt, he only held out his hand to you and put on that million-dollar smile of his. Sometimes- Scratch that- Most of the times, you felt bad when you fell for the nth time in the span of an hour. Other times, you felt bad after your first fall. You definitely didn’t want him to think you were unworthy of his time and attention. That was the worst way a person can embarrass themself.

Your teacher, who went with the name Hoseok, and stage name j-hope, once again danced real slow in hope you could follow him. You both moved at a snail’s pace, but of course, your lack of athleticism wouldn’t let you go for 10 minutes without falling.

Out of nowhere, one of your feet caught up in the other one and made you stumble. And with that, your body unceremoniously collapsed. It was like any other times you had fallen, but unlike those times, you heard a loud crack coming from your foot.

“Oh, shit! Are you alright?” Hoseok stopped instantly and squatted beside you. “Of course you’re not fine. Why did I even ask that?” He mumbled more to himself.

“Which foot was fractured? Can you try moving them?”

You, ever so carefully, tried to move each of your feet. Weirdly enough, you were pretty sure your left one was the one fractured, but you felt a sharp pain when you moved your right one.

You voiced your thoughts, “Umm… I’m not sure which one is fractured. I think it’s the left one, but the right one is more painful.”

Hoseok sighed. “We need to go to the hospital. Here, let me carry you.”

“Wait, I-”

Like you weighed nothing, he heaved you and carried you bridal style. Instinctively, you circled your arms around his neck, his very sweaty and veiny neck. But during this critical moment, a sweaty neck wasn’t on the top of your priorities.

“I don’t think this is necessary,” you said even though the pain on your feet had subsided a bit from being lifted off the ground.

“Absolutely.” He grabbed your bag and turned off the lights. “It would be better if we can use the stretcher, but since I’m alone, we have to settle with this. Sorry if this is uncomfortable.” He walked out of the studio and locked it before walking off to the parking lot.

You estimated that the entire walk from the studio to the parking lot must’ve taken around 10 minutes. At this point, you were 100% sure you felt like a dead weight for him. Yet, he still kept walking while holding you as if it was nothing. It was either you overestimated your weight, or he was stronger than you thought. Your bet was on the second one.

During the ride to the hospital, you racked your brain for a way to say thank you while actually sounding like you were grateful instead of just for formality. But after minutes had passed, you came up with nothing so you just settled with the old “thank you so much”. You just prayed he could see your sincerity through you.

“Don’t mention it. This is what I always do every time someone is injured.”

True to his words, when he entered the emergency room with you in his arms, a nurse yelled his name and directed you two to an empty bed.

“What happened?” the nurse asked as Hoseok carefully lowered you on the bed.

In an instant, the comforting heat radiating off of him disappeared. In exchange for his warmth, you felt the cold mattress and the typical freezing hospital room.

“The usual. But she said that both her feet hurt.” He gestured to you.

“I’m going to call a doctor, okay?” Without waiting for an answer from you, the nurse left.

Once the doctor came, you explained in detail what happened with Hoseok butting in sometimes to add completely unnecessary details. He said things like, “we were almost done with the class”, or, “we were alone there.” Lucky for him, your pain stopped you from wanting to strangle him.

You talked more about possible treatments, how long it would take, and most importantly, how much it would cost. In the end, it was decided that you needed an x-ray.

“You can leave now if you want. I’ll be alright,” you told him right after the doctor told you to wait for the x-ray. The guilt of making him do all of these was starting to eat you inside out.

You had felt guilty from falling multiple times, and now you fell to the point you broke your ankle. If it was possible, you felt ten thousand times more guilty. And the fact that he wasn’t even complaining at least once made you feel like a disappointment.

Maybe it was better if the earth swallowed you whole right now.

He shook his head as he sat on the chair beside the bed. “No way. How will you get home?”

Crap, he was right. There was no way you could walk by yourself after all this. Or call a taxi. Just imagining you had to wear a cast and a crutch already made you shudder. This was going to be a long month, or months, for you.

“You must feel tired now. You’ve been here for-” You glanced at the clock behind his head. “-around an hour now.”

“Do you have a friend you can call over?”

The question hit you more than it should’ve. Your friends, the same people who indirectly forced you to try dancing, all lived across the city. You knew there was no way they would be willing to spend their Friday night at the hospital with you. In your mind, you could already imagine them going out on a fancy dinner, cuddling with their partner, or watching a movie.

Your lack of response was an answer in itself.

“It’s okay. I don’t have anything to do anyways.”

“You don’t have any more students? Tonight? Tomorrow?”

He shook his head. “You’re my last student for the week.” He stopped for a while before continuing, “And my most interesting one.”

You cocked your head to the side. “Interesting? How?”

“You made me think of… things, basically, clearly.”

“Like what?”

He took a deep breath before answering, “I’ve been the best dancer, performer, whatever you wanna call it. And after I started teaching too, I became the best dance teacher in the city. Like, you must’ve already known that from the tariffs of my classes.”

You nodded.

“But since you came to my class a few months ago, things have changed. I just lost… my confidence in my teaching. Maybe my methods are wrong or I need a different approach or maybe-” His words caught in his throat. “-I don’t cut it to be a teacher.”

Your eyes widened at his words. He had mistaken your inability to do athletic stuff for his bad teaching.

“I think you got it all wrong,” you said urgently.

You didn’t want him to think he was a bad teacher. He was, in fact, far from that. So far, you’ve never met a teacher even half as nice as him or half as understanding as him.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “How?”

You hesitated for a moment. Were you really going to out yourself? Your heart screamed, “yes!” at that.

“Well, you see, I’m not the best at, you know, physical stuff. I was actually setting myself up for failure by trying out dancing.” You saw him frowning even further. You let out a nervous giggle. This was a bad idea, but you were already in too deep anyways. “I know this is confusing. My friends have told me that a lot of times.”

A few seconds of silence passed. Hoseok just stared at you, probably trying to figure you out, who knew. You were just weird like that.

Finally he broke the silence. “Can you drive?”

The question caught you off guard. “What?”

“Driving?”

“Of course I can.” You looked down on your injured feet. “Well, not for a while, I guess.”

“And I take it you never accidentally kill someone, right? Or else you wouldn’t be here, you’d be in jail.”

This time, you were the one frowning. Where was this conversation heading? Nonetheless, you nodded your head, answering his question silently.

He, for the first time after you broke your ankle, broke into a grin. “Then you’ll be fine. And I don’t think you set yourself up for failure.” He pouted. “Don’t ever say that again.”

You smiled back at him. “Okay.”

A few moments later, you were called to do an x-ray.

Wordlessly, Hoseok hoisted you up and put you on a wheelchair he found nearby. With that, he pushed you towards the x-ray room. You weren't going to lie for the fact that it kinda felt nice to be pushed by a handsome guy. On the other side, it only made you feel even more guilty.

Once you arrived in front of said room, a nurse took you in and told Hoseok to wait outside.

With your clumsiness, this obviously wasn’t your first time getting x-rayed. So you didn’t really feel nervous, not at all. Plus, you were significantly older than the last time you got x-rayed. There was nothing to be scared of, right?

Who were you kidding? Of course you’d be scared. Your heart thumped loudly against your chest, you wondered if the nurse could hear it. Probably she could, but even if she could, she didn’t say anything.

Okay, then. Maybe you should focus on something else. What about something to tell Hoseok about his fear? You didn’t do a great job of comforting him. Instead, he was the one comforting you. The hell was that about, Y/n?

Without you even realizing, since you were so focused on Hoseok’s fear, the x-ray was over and you were pushed out of the room. Phew… Wasn’t that easy? But you still haven’t thought of something to tell Hoseok, though. Nevermind, you’d probably be better off improvising.

Hoseok sat on the long bench in front of the x-ray room with a small plastic bag in his hand. You were sure he didn’t have that before. Beside him, sat the nurse who accepted you into the emergency room who now was talking animatedly to him.

For the first time since you entered the hospital, you got the chance to take a good look at the nurse.

Her outfit hugged her curves perfectly, no weird bumps or creases. It was as if the fit was tailored just for her. Her hair was up and away from her face in a tight and neat bun. Her makeup faded here and there from the long hours of working, no surprise there. And her glasses only complemented her whole look, making her look beautiful yet strong at the same time.

Looking at her made you wonder about how you looked in comparison.

You were still in your work out clothes that you designated for dancing. They were saggy in weird places as a sign of old age and definitely had been left forgotten in your wardrobe for a long time because you didn’t work out. The leather in your shoes also flaked in some places, indicating that you needed to buy a new pair. You knew not to buy them, though, remembering you weren’t athletic.

As you looked down on your clothes, you realized there was a giant blob of sauce stain just in between your boobs. Where- What? How did you get that? And why hadn’t you realized it until now?

You abruptly stopped yourself from self pity as the nurse pushed you closer to them. If you didn't have beauty or grace or sexiness, at least you had confidence.

The nurse Hoseok was talking to was the first to notice your arrival.

She stood up and asked you, “Are you alright? Do you need a painkiller?”

She was nice, too. No wonder Hoseok would be interested in her.

For a second you imagined what it felt like for someone to be interested in you. You haven’t felt that in a long time. Not that you missed the feeling, you were content with being single and had no intention to date anyone. At least not while your ankles still hurt.

You shook your head. “It’s not that painful.” You turned to the nurse who pushed your wheelchair. “When will the result come out?”

“In a few minutes. For now, you can wait here or in the emergency room.”

You looked at Hoseok, expecting him to answer for you.

He immediately took the cue. “We’ll wait here. Thank you.”

“Alright. I’ll direct you to the doctor’s office once the results are out.”

You mumbled a “thank you” before the nurse left.

The other nurse, who talked to Hoseok earlier, though, didn’t leave as much as you wanted her to. Instead, she sat back beside him and continued the conversation like nothing happened. Like you weren’t even there.

“When I get off my shift later, do you want to grab supper?” she asked while batting her thick lashes. Were nurses allowed to wear fake lashes, you wondered.

Just like the Hoseok you knew, he turned down the offer politely. “Sorry, I don’t really eat supper.”

She pouted in an attempt to look cute. But honestly, with the makeup and sexy clothes, her cuteness was uncalled for.

Gosh you wished you were as sexy or pretty as her, surely you could get any man you want. Nope, you were still happy with being single.

“What about tomorrow? I get bored on Saturdays.”

“I-” His eyes flicked around the room. “I need to check my schedule first.”

Her face lit up. “Text me, okay?” And just like how she didn’t wait for your answer earlier, she left without waiting for his.

You grimaced at their awkward conversation. “She seems… nice.” It came out more like a question.

He exhaled long and hard as if he held his breath the entire time. “And too much.”

“What-?” you sputtered. “She was blatantly asking you out.”

“Yeah, I know that. That’s why she’s too much.”

A question crossed your mind. “Have you known each other for a long time?”

“Not really. But since the number of my students blew up, injuries became more common, so...”

“Oh.” You nodded understandingly.

You suddenly remembered that you had to comfort him.

“You’re actually a great teacher, you know. At least that’s the review from Google. You have 4.8 stars! That’s awesome.” At this point you just blurted out anything nice to him. “My favorite restaurant only has 3.6 stars.” And by anything, you meant everything.

He furrowed his eyebrows. “Thanks?"

“No problem.”

“What about you, though? What do you think of my teaching skills?”

Once again, his questions caught you off guard.

It was still fresh in your mind about the day you signed up for a class with him. How he answered all your questions with his smile never leaving his face. The day of your first class with him, he explained the basics with so much patience. He never said no whenever you asked him to show the moves again and again and again. And today, he took you to the hospital and even waited with you through all the procedures.

He was an extraordinary teacher. And person.

But there was no way you could say all that. It would only embarrass you more.

“I think you’re… nice.”

He furrowed his eyebrows deeper at your words. He surely would get wrinkles early if he kept frowning like that. And that would be so bad for his handsome face.

Okay, maybe it was better if you said all that in the first place.

“I mean,” you spoke up again, trying to redeem yourself. “You’re the best teacher I’ve ever met. You’re nice, understanding, and patient. Something I rarely see in other teachers.” And handsome, you wanted to add, but it was a story for another day.

He finally no longer furrowed his eyebrows.

“May I ask you a question?” he asked quietly.

Another question from him wouldn't hurt, right? “Sure.”

“Why did you decide to try dancing if you knew you weren’t good with ‘physical stuff’?” He did the airquote thing. “Sorry if it’s too personal.”

“No, it’s alright.” You chuckled. “Remember the friends that kept telling me I’m clumsy?”

He nodded.

“Well, they were kinda the reason.”

“Okay…”

You took a deep inhale. “We’ve been friends since the third grade of primary school. We’re basically inseparable. But as close as we are, we have different lives.”

“I understand.”

“One is an athlete. She’s a swimmer and takes part in a lot of national championships. The second one is not as athletic, but she does golf in her free time. She’s extremely good, though. The last one is a pole dancer and she really takes pride in it. So far, I’m the only one who doesn’t really do physical things. In fact, I’m not into physical activities at all.”

“That’s alright. Everyone is different. What do you do?”

“I loved studying.”

“Loved?”

You took multiple deep breaths to prepare yourself to come with the truth. “They always make fun of me for liking reading over physical activities. Until one point I can’t even look at books anymore.” You bit your bottom lip. “They even made a different pact and left me out.”

Books were an important part of your life. And reading was the only time when you could let yourself go from the harshness of the world. The time when you could forget your problems, or even who you were, for a little while. Knowing your friends didn’t like that made you question yourself.

“I think studying is important.” He commented. “If no one is studying, no one will get to be anything.”

“I know that. And I wanted to learn how to be more physically active. That’s why I took this dancing class.” Then you added, ”It’s actually my last resort. I’ve tried and failed other activities.”

“I don’t think you should listen to them. Even your oldest friends can’t be right all the time.” He smiled reassuringly. “Thanks for sharing your problem with me. I’m gonna show you just how amazing non-physical activities can be.”

He looked down on his lap and immediately handed you the plastic bag he'd been holding. "The nurse gave it to me, but you can have it instead."

You accepted the bag and peered inside. There was a loaf of bread, still looking fresh and warm.

After that, everything just flew by. Maybe because you were tired and the day was almost over, or maybe because you had Hoseok beside you, who made waiting felt fun. Or maybe both, who knew.

Soon the results came out and the nurse took you to the doctor’s office with Hoseok following in tow. The doctor explained everything and helped you, along with Hoseok, to get used to walking with crutches. You were also given some pills to ease the pain. And after all that, off you go.

You were back in Hoseok’s car, heading home. Somehow, the smell of his obnoxious orange car freshener smelt comforting compared to the hospital’s disinfectant.

“You really shouldn’t have waited for me.” You glanced at the time on your phone. It was almost midnight. “It’s really late now. I’ll have to give you a big tip later.”

He laughed. It sounded like heaven in your ears. “There’s no need for that. I’m just concerned with your health. Plus, I do this to all of my students. Think of it like part of my service.”

You giggled. “Alright, if you say so.”

He snorted. “One time, a student was even left all day in the hospital by their parents so I had to wait overnight until they came.”

“That’s horrible. Don’t they care about their kid?”

"They do. But they care more about their alcohol."

"I take it they were drunk while their kid was injured?"

"Apparently their stress response is getting drunk."

"Oh my…"

"When I say you're not even half bad as my other students, you have to believe it."

Proving to you one more time about how much of a gentleman he was, once you arrived at your apartment building, he parked his car and helped you out of the car. He guided you all the way to your apartment, making sure you weren't hurt on the way. Maybe you really should find a man like him. Or maybe… him himself?

Nah, you weren’t looking for a partner, remember?

He helped you settle down and was about to leave when he stopped in the middle of the doorway.

He turned around. “Wait. Do you live here alone?”

“Why?”

Instead of answering your question, he blurted another question. “Does your family live nearby?”

“They live outside of the city. Why?”

He looked like he was deep in thought before shaking his head. “Nothing. I’ll just come back tomorrow to help you since you’re alone.”

You weren’t one to stop a handsome guy from helping you, but you already owed so many favours for him.

“You have a date with the nurse, remember?”

He scoffed. “I told her I need to check my schedule. Looks like it’ll be full.”

Okay…

A question suddenly came out of your mouth, "Why do you keep helping me? I have no use for you. I can't attend your classes anymore."

It was true. You wouldn’t be able to do any physical activities, including dancing, for a few months. Not to mention your lack of athletic abilities that would demotivate you from trying to dance again even after you recovered.

At first, he looked startled. His eyes widened and mouth agape. But then he quickly regained his composure before answering, "Is it wrong if I think of us as… friends? Are we not friends after all of this?" He gestured to your leg.

You gestured to your surroundings. "But friends don't do this. My friends don’t do this.”

"Don’t base your understanding on them. They're not good friends, Y/n. I'm sorry.”

“But-” You really wanted to counter his argument, defend your oldest friends. But you knew deep down that he was right and there was nothing you could do.

“Let me be a good friend for you, okay?" he said as he linked his pinky to yours. Marking his promise and the start of your friendship.

He wasn’t one to break promises and you knew it firsthand. Had you known him before, you would’ve tossed your friends long ago.

Over the course of a week, he’d shown you care more than what you’ve gotten from your friends your entire friendship.

He cooked you breakfast, because he said that you had to stop eating junk food if you wanted to recover fast.

“Athletic or not, health is very important,” he said.

“Yes.”

“That means you need to eat healthy, Y/n.” He rolled his eyes. “And don’t even try to give me the puppy eyes, it won’t work on me.”

He force fed you your meds when you intentionally forgot about them.

“I put your meds directly beside your glass and you still managed to forget?” he yelled. “Drink it, or I’ll leave this instant.”

At his threat, you immediately took them. You enjoyed his company and weren’t ready to have him leaving you.

Because he noticed how sullen you looked when you realized you couldn’t go out, he tried to cheer you up by dancing crazily to a song playing on the TV. He waved his arms randomly and went around you while yelling incomprehensibly.

“Can you feel the energy, Y/n?” he asked in between his yells.

“No. Stop before the neighbors complain! You’re too loud!” You cupped both ears with your hands.

“Tell me you feel the energy then I’ll stop.”

You chuckled. “Fine. Yes, I feel the energy. Now, stop!”

He abruptly stopped and threw himself beside you on the couch.

“Ew, you’re sweaty. Get off of my couch!”

Among everything that Hoseok had to help you with, adulting was the hardest. In particular, the working part of adulting. Obviously, you needed to take a leave for a month and in order to do that, you first had to go through your boss’ wrath. Fortunately, a certain man with the stage name j-hope was ready to help you.

“It’s gonna be easy. I mean, how scary can bosses be.” He dismissed your worries with a wave of his hand.

“Very scary, I warn you.”

Contrary to his belief, after the phone call with your boss ended, Hoseok was scarred for life. Bosses were indeed scary, especially your boss.

With wide eyes, he whispered, “Never ask me to call your boss again. He’s literally a devil in disguise.”

“But did I get permission to take a leave?”

“Oh, shit! I forgot about that.”

“Hoseok!”

When he had a class to teach, you tried to fill the void by texting your older friends. But as expected, they instead made you even worse.

One said, "Hope you get well soon. We'll come back once we're not too busy."

What about the two others? Well, they only read and liked your messages.

That was alright, right? They all had their own lives and were probably busy. It wasn’t like your injury was a big deal anyways… right? There was no need for them to be worried about you or shower you with attention or visit you. Yeah, that was absolutely normal… not.

There was no need for moping around, though. The next day, your old friends and your knight in hypebeast clothes came over. Yes, said knight was Hoseok. Yes, they came at the same time. It was okay to have a handsome man and your way-past-hormonal-stage friends to be in the same place at the same time. Or at least that was what you initially thought.

"Y/n," one of your friends said with a frown on her face. "What happened? We were so worried."

You almost wanted to roll your eyes. They didn't seem that worried when you texted them yesterday.

“And who’s this?” another friend asked while staring at Hoseok. And it wasn’t a nice stare either, more like a judging stare.

You scowled, but still tried to keep some decency. “This is my friend slash dance teacher, Hoseok. Hoseok, these are my friends that I told you about.”

The last one of your friends was the first to shake his hand. “Wow. Is that so? I hope you only hear nice things.”

At that, both you and Hoseok faked a laugh. Your friends didn’t seem to realize though.

“Yeah, nice things indeed,” you commented once your laugh died down.

You were in the middle of talking and catching up with your friends while Hoseok interjected here and there when you needed to go to the restroom. Both to relieve yourself and to hide from the awkwardness for a while. It always felt weird to merge two friend groups.

“Guys, Imma go pee for a bit, okay?”

Hoseok instinctively stood up to help you, but you gestured to him to sit back down. “I got this, don’t worry.” You gave him a small smile and went to the bathroom.

Sure it did take longer for you to just pee compared to when you weren’t injured, but it still didn’t take too long in your opinion. The cast made everything more complicated, but not particularly harder. However, when you were flushing down the toilet, you heard some talking noises, way louder than usual. It sounded more like angry yellings. And as you were washing your hands, you heard a slam of a door. What was happening?

Couldn’t stand to not know what just happened any longer, you quickly finished your business and went out, only to find your once full-of-guests living room now bare with just Hoseok in it. All the while, Hoseok was cleaning up the coffee table while humming a tune.

“Where-?"

You didn’t even get to finish your question when he answered, “Your friends left.“

“So soon?”

He shrugged as he tossed away the cloth he used to clean. “They probably have things to do.”

“And they didn’t even say goodbye to me.” You sighed and plopped yourself on the couch. “I only heard loud noises and a door closing. They didn’t say anything to you?”

“Nope. But, I told them to get their life together before criticising people.”

Your eyes widened in surprise. Never in your friendship with your friends had you ever told them off like that. Sure they weren’t that nice, but you didn’t feel it was right to do that. Yeah, you were pretty much a coward. You scared your friends would leave you.

But to have Hoseok said that? Sure it was nice for your friends to know they were jerks, but you were surely going to lose your friends now.

You huffed and your shoulders sagged.

“What did they even do?” you asked as you watched him taking a seat beside you.

“You’ll find out. It’s better if you know it first from them.”

His answer only made you more curious and mull over what could have happened. What did they do that made a nice person like Hoseok say such a thing? Why did they leave abruptly? Would they end your friendship because of that? Would they ever explain to you what happened? So many questions were running through your head, but you couldn’t even guess the answer for any of them.

Hoseok knew how much you were distraught by what happened, so he, being the sunshine that he was, took you to watch him teaching dance to little kids.

“I’d be the oldest student there,” you whined.

“You come not as a student.” He laughed. “You come as my friend.”

“They’d be embarrassed if I watch along.”

“No way. They’re cool with it.” Then he added, “And cute.”

He wasn’t one to lie. The kids were indeed adorable. And their parents were also nice. While you were talking to the parents, the kids occasionally went to you to show you or ask you something. Mostly to ask you what happened to your foot. But one asked you a question that made your cheek heat up for the rest of the class.

“Are you Uncle Hobi’s girlfriend?”

“Oh- Umm…” you stuttered. “I-”

The parent quickly cut it before you could answer. “Don’t ask a question like that!”

“But I’m curious since he said he likes someone.”

You wondered who he liked, but you knew better than to gossip about romance with a kid. So in the end, you refrained yourself from asking.

Once the class finished, Hoseok came up to you with a proud grin and a sweaty body.

“How was it?”

“You were right. They were cute. But one little birdie told me something.” You smirk.

“Oh, no. I don’t want to see that face.”

“C’mon. Just answer me. Who are you crushing on, Hobi?”

He groaned. “You knew about my crush and the nickname. I shouldn’t have brought you here. This was a bad idea.”

“I think it’s fun,” you teased. “Now, entertain me.”

He sighed. “It’s a girl I know from one of my classes.”

“Not the nurse, huh?” You raised an eyebrow.

“Never the nurse. Did that answer your question?”

“Not really. But I’ll take it for now since you’re stinky. Go take a shower!”

“Yes, ma’am.” He laughed.

His Friday schedule, that used to be filled with a class with you, was now empty. He was a high-demand teacher, his empty classes were almost instantly filled, but no one really wanted to have a class on a Friday evening. That was reserved for laying in bed and nothing else.

So, instead of letting you mope around during the time which you should have been having a class, Hoseok took you to his secret space on the other side of the dance studio. Secret space because no one in the world knew what was inside aside from him and one curious student that accidentally found it.

Hope World was the name. Such a fitting name for a place with a warm atmosphere, two huge speakers, several smaller speakers, and two giant monitors. There were also a lot of hypebeast plushies and decorations. On the couch, on the table, even on the floor, covering most of the surface in the room.

You took a seat on the couch while feeling its soft surface beneath your hand. “What is this place?”

“This is where I make music. I’m a dance teacher by day and a music producer by night.” He grinned.

“Why did you decide to show me this? This seems… personal.”

“Because I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with doing the things you like.” He turned on the computer and played a song.

“The song is called Blue Side. For a long time, I have had problems finishing this song. But then I found the final piece.”

“What was it?”

“I needed to let go of my past happiness for a greater happiness,” he answered without hesitation, as if he already rehearsed that. “That’s kinda the gist of the song, too. And I think you need that advice right now.”

He was right. Sacrificing your past happiness that was your old friends would probably change your life drastically. You needn't seek their validation in anything you do. Only you mattered because you were the one living your life. Question was, were you ready to let them go?

You looked at him in his eyes. A small smile played on your lips. “Thank you.”

He smiled back before going back to his computer to change the song.

“Okay enough of depressing shit. Let’s dance!” He carefully took your hands in his and pulled you up on your feet.

“I can’t dance,” you whined. “With or without the cast.”

“We’re not doing that kind of dance, you doofus. We’re just swaying along to the song.” He wrapped an arm around your waist so you could follow his sways easier. On instinct, you wrapped your arms around his neck.

He swayed ever so slightly, following along the rhythm of the song. The melody filled around the room, into your ears, and out of it again. Hoseok’s strong hands held you, making sure you were steady and wouldn’t topple over. The smell of the room that was so Hoseok, you were pretty sure he used his own perfume to freshen his room. Yet, among all of these foreign things, you felt just right. You felt home.

Once you got the hang of it, you laughed. “This is the easiest dance move you’ve ever taught me.”

“Glad you think this is the easiest because I don’t know any other easier moves.”

“Well, I’m sorry for being unathletic,” you defended yourself. “I didn’t ask to be born like this.”

“What? Born naturally gorgeous?” Soon after those words left his mouth, he looked anywhere else but you, totally pretending like nothing happened.

With cheeks burning, you complained, “You can’t say that and pretend nothing happened.”

He looked back at you and laughed. “Why? Are you shy?”

You punched his chest in a joking manner.

It was when the song stopped when you realized how close you were to Hoseok. You could even smell his cologne, see his tiny freckles scattered on his face, and feel his breath that smelled like mint, a sure sign he ate too many mints. If he was handsome from a distance, he was mesmerizing up close.

Your eyes found his and you saw how captivating his eyes were. Pools of warm brown eyes, deep enough to drown and hypnotize you. And when he smiled, they turned into crescents with wrinkles at the side. Simply put, he had the most beautiful eyes you had ever seen.

Your mind snapped back into reality and you immediately let go of him in a panic. Just as you let him go, he also let you go on instinct, making you unable to keep your balance and struggle to find your footing.

“Oh, shit!” He steadied you again with his hands on your waist. “Are you alright?”

Your eyes widened at the event that just unfolded. “Yeah. Thanks for saving my life again.”

“Just so you know, I don’t mind saving you repeatedly if that’s what I need to do to keep you alright.”

It was safe to say that his words echoed in your mind for the rest of the day.

The next day, your questions from the previous days were answered.

“We’re very sorry about what we did,” one of your friends said as soon as they entered your apartment.

“Is this about when you guys left a few days ago?”

“Yes. But we have a reason for that,” another friend answered.

“And the reason being?” You raised an eyebrow, anticipating what was coming next.

You were no longer sure if you wanted to hear it.

“We-”

“We talked shit about you to Hoseok,” the last one interjected. Always to the point, that one.

“We’re very sorry. I know it was wrong and stupid of us to do that. We get it if you don’t want to befriend us anymore,” the first one spoke up again.

Sure you felt sad, but a part of you knew that this had been happening long before. It was more like you waited for them to finally come clean and confess to them, so you weren’t surprised at all. And with them coming clean, you were relieved. You could finally let them go in peace. Just like what Hoseok had said.

You nodded your head slowly. You didn’t have the strength to even look at them in their eyes. “Thanks for being honest with me and for being my best friends all this time. But everything has an end and I think this is ours.”

“I assume they have apologized?” Hoseok asked after looking at your bright smile. The smile of a person who could finally let go of their burdens.

It was Sunday, the day after your friends confessed, and you were stuck in the library with him. While you wanted to listen more to his songs, he wanted to take you to the library. It took a bit of bickering, but he won in the end since you both had never been to a library together before.

“Yes. Thanks for defending me. You didn’t need to do that.” You reached for a book that was too high.

Hoseok came behind you and grabbed the book before handing it to you. “Hadn’t I done that, they’d still walk all over you.”

Oh how true his words were, but you weren’t going to admit that.

“Whatever. I’m still grateful, though.”

“You’re very welcome.”

You sat at a corner and he followed suit, sitting right beside you.

“And what did you say to them?” he asked.

You shrugged. “I don’t remember, but what’s important is that I cut ties with them. I did exactly what you had taught me.”

“I know you’re a good student. Always diligent and curious. And a fast learner, too.”

“Aren’t you proud of me?” You grinned at him.

“I’m always proud of you, ever since the first day you joined my class.”

Sure, there were days in which you wished you were more athletic, but if it weren’t for your lack of athleticism, you wouldn’t have been this close with Hoseok. Or ending your toxic friendship. So you gotta give the credits where it was due.

“Last lesson, enjoy the things you love to do unapologetically.”

“One question, what was your past happiness?”

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Amira Wayne - Chapter 19

There’s no way I’m going to keep dragging out this chapter... so here’s the next chapter! Enjoy :3

Chapter 19: Discovery

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Special thanks to @m3owww for helping me with translations!

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The dreaded school bell rang, signaling everyone that school was over.

Despite Christmas being right around the corner, no one was in the Christmas spirit. After all, how could they after what happened?

“Adrien, Sabrina.” Miss Bustier brought to attention, watching as the two glared at Lila as she walked out the classroom with a few of the girls of the class. 

Lila shrunk into herself, a single tear making its way into her eye as she felt Adrien’s eyes burn at the back of her head.

“Yes, Mlle Bustier?” Adrien asked once he saw Lila out of vision, noticing that Nino was waiting for him right outside the classroom. Ever since that day, the trio of friends traveled in a pack, leaving no one by themselves. 

“I was wondering if you could take some classwork and some break work to Chloe, seeing as the two of you are close friends.” Bustier handed a few papers to Adrien, Adrien gently placing them inside his bag. “And Sabrina. How is Marinette?” She dared to ask after handing Sabrina a large manila envelope. 

With Chloé not being in school, Sabrina had to step up as Vice President and do the Class President’s job of dropping off homework to those who missed class. 

Mlle Bustier didn’t expect for Sabrina to scowl, an expression she never saw on the girl ever since she first started teaching her seven years ago.

“Mlle Bustier, shouldn’t you have already made a home visit by now? Actually, in this type of situation, you should’ve done a home visit the day after the incident. But you didn’t. It’s been two week since then.” Sabrina recalled, taking the manila envelope and walking out of the class, waiting next to Nino.

Adrien didn’t miss the way their teacher shrunk into herself, before attempting to bounce back up.

“I’ll try and make a visit later on today. Ever since the incident, the school-“

“Sabrina has a point, Mlle Bustier. With all due respect, I think you should’ve already visited Marinette and have checked for yourself how she’s doing. After all, that’s part of your job.” Adrien bluntly stated. “And a piece of advice? I know you’re trying to act as if all of this isn’t bothering you, but I suggest you stop acting as if nothing happened. Yes, the akuma happened two week ago, but everyone is still recovering from it.

After all, those memories don’t disappear no matter how long ago it happened. So if you would excuse me, I have some dear friends to visit.”

—

It’s been two weeks since the Banshee incident...that’s 14 days since both Marinette and Chloé haven’t been at school...and 14 days without a single akuma attack, the longest period of rest the team had ever had since given their miraculouses. 

When Chat Noir raced to initiate Plan B with Ryuuko and Osprey, they were halted due to someone else beating them to the Eiffel Tower. 

A guy their age had been the one to get rid of the akuma that had been controlling Marinette and not only that. He had also used Ladybird’s power to reverse the aftermath of the battle and bring back Marinette.

While from a distance he could easily be mistaken for Ladybird, up front, you could tell it wasn’t her.

Said one-time vigilante cradled Marinette in his arms, something that broke Chat upon seeing how shaken she was about the whole thing.

Usually all of those affected by Hawkmoth’s manipulation wouldn’t remember a single thing about their akumatization...but Chat knew…

Something caused her to remember every single detail.

“Who-” Chat Noir started, only for the ‘new’ Ladybug to cut him off.

“Ladybird was the one who told me to finish the job for her. She too had been affected by Banshee’s powers before she was even able to transform. She also told me to relay you a message. Do not worry about her identity being exposed, for she was wearing a mask before giving me her miraculous.” The guy didn’t take off the miraculous, making Chat wonder what exactly was going on.

Where was Ladybird? “Ladybird?” Crap, he said that outloud. “Don’t worry too much about her. She’ll be back the next time the Ladybug miraculous is in use.” Lifting Marinette with ease, Chat wondered if that was because of the magic or because he was able to easily do so himself. “Meanwhile, I’ll take her home. Want to lead the way, or?”

“I’ll lead.” Chat solemnly said. “Just make sure you don’t drop her.”

“Roger that.”

After dropping Marinette to her home, Chat never saw that guy again. Not like he had all the time to mull over him. 

He had to ensure Chloe and Lila’s safety as well, although he didn’t want to do so for the latter. 

He first met up with Gris, who had moved Lila inside the Montparnasse Tower. While she wasn’t psychically hurt, mentally, she was greatly injured. 

Chat explained to her of the next step they were going to take next, explaining how she will have to go to mandatory therapy sessions to ensure her well-being, how he will be escorting her to each one personally so that she doesn’t try and worm herself out of them when she said she didn’t need it. 

“You may think we’re only doing this out of duty, which you’re not wrong, but it is also something Ladybird herself wanted to incorporate in Paris. Something about the lack of a rehab system in Paris.” Chat answered when Lila asked why he was bothering to make sure she was fine. “Also something about preventing a second ‘G.’”

After setting up the next therapy sessions with Lila, Chat and Gris headed over to where Ryuuko and Carapace were dealing with Chloe’s rattled behavior.

“She’s inconsolable.” Ryuuko said when Chat asked why Carapace had a shield around him and Chloe. “She tried to run off multiple times, but we always managed to keep her contained.”

“Let me get someone who can help us.” Chat left the group, dropping his transformation in a safe area before returning as Adrien. “Chloe!”

At the call of her name, Chloe stopped clawing her way from the force field Carapace had placed up, looking over to Adrien. 

She threw herself at him and started to cry into his shoulder, crying how she saw her parents abandon her, how her friends also abandoned her. How she witnessed her best friend’s deaths, Adrien not noticing the way the team stiffed upon hearing their civilian names being said. 

Before spiraling into more crying, Chloé mentioned being a failure of a friend, as she couldn’t stop Marinette from becoming an akuma. 

Adrien didn’t once let go of Chloe, telling the team his gratitude for helping her. 

He guided her to her home, wondering where things were going to play out now that the team took the largest blow yet in their fight against Hawkmoth.

But for now, he knew he had to stay by Chloe’s side. 

---

As Sabrina sat on a kitchen stool, she scrunched up the manila envelope in her hand as her thoughts went back to what caused Marinette to lash out the way she did and caused her to turn into Banshee. 

If only Lila didn’t lie about knowing him. If she didn’t lie about him, then her friends wouldn’t be-

“-Sabrina. Sabrina dear, are you alright?” Sabine asked, worried.

“Mlle Cheng! I’m sorry! I got lost in my thoughts and-”

“It’s alright. I’m guessing that’s for Marinette?” Sabine gestured towards the envelope in her hand. 

“Yes. They’re homework assignments and a few notes from Mlle Bustier.” Sabrina said, handing them over to Sabine. “Oh! Here are my notes for her. She’d probably find these more useful than-”

A scream pierced the kitchen air, Sabrina watching as Selina appeared out of nowhere and rushed up the stairs with two other women right behind her, Sabine quickly grabbing her phone and dialing a number. “Mlle Cheng, what is going-”

“I’m sorry about this Sabrina, but you’ll have to leave. Now.”

Without another word, Sabrina nodded, grabbing her bag and started to head downstairs when she spotted M.Wayne go upstairs, two others right behind him…

Was that Oliver Queen?!

Sabrina watched as the trio walked right into the Dupain-Cheng home, wondering what M.Wayne, M.Queen and the other man were doing there.

What is going on?

--

Selina sat on the chaise lounge, Amira letting out shuddering breaths as she laid against her chest.

When Selina had heard Amira’s screams, she felt her heart stop for the umpteenth time that day.

Ever since that day, ever since the day of the appearance of Banshee, Amira had restless nights, recurring nightmares throughout the day and refusing to see anyone except for Selina and her two therapists. 

“Poor pumpkin.” Harley sympathized, draping a blanket over Amira and Selina. “She shouldn’t have to go through all this. She’s just a kid.”

“To think you’re stupid boyfriend-” Ivy started, making sure that the daisies scattered around the room were doing all right...until Harley jabbed Ivy at her side. 

“Pammy,” she gestured to a silent Selina, “sure, Brucie had some fault to this, but it wasn’t-”

“I know, I know.” Ivy sighed, spraying some water on the daisies. “The tiny magically butterfly-”

“Listen, I didn’t convince Bruce to let you two out of Arkham so that the two of you would shit on the man I’m about to marry and what’s he done.” Selina sighed. “I’m sorry, Ivy. It’s just- Bruce could’ve prevented all this if-”

“Of course he could’ve! If he weren’t such an idiot!” Ivy growled. “Selina, seriously? What do you see in-”

“Pammy, Pammy! Remember? Magical butterflies? Get mad and they’ll come for ya.” Harley reminded Ivy, placing her hands on Ivy’s shoulders. “How about we take a stroll and enjoy the sun a bit, eh? After all Brucie did promise us that he’d-”

“Alright. But just until I calm down, alright? And then back to our hotel, okay? Not fond of the fact of being mind controlled by a stupid butterfly man. Haven’t been there and don’t plan on-”

“Then we better get going Red!” Harley grinned, guiding Ivy to the hatch before stopping to turn to Selina. “Selina. Everything is going to be alright. and if you need us to talk some sense into that boy of yours, Ivy and I have your back.”

With that, the two were gone, leaving Selina alone.

Selina pushed a few strands away from Amira's face, placing them behind her ear. Because Amira always kept a straight face and would directly tell you her opinions, that led many to think she was mature for her age. But they were wrong about that.

She was still a child…

A creak at the floor snapped Selina from her thoughts, watching as Bruce peaked into the room.

“How is she doing?” Bruce asked, eyeing the bean bag and bringing it close to where Selina was. He tucked away a loose hair strand from Amira’s face, watching as she flinched from his touch. 

He watched as his daughter turned away from him and snuggled closer against Selina. 

“Not any better since that day. Even Harley is having trouble getting through to her. Doesn’t help that Amira knows her background with the Joker. Doesn’t trust Harley one bit.” Selina looked over at Bruce before breaking the silence. “You can’t keep in doing this to her Bruce.”

“Selina, she’s my child. My daughter. My one and only daughter.” Bruce reasoned. 

“Bruce. She’s 13. Turning 14 in half a year. She’s not the tiny girl who-“

“I know.” Bruce quietly said, dropping onto the bean bag. “I know Selina, but even so, I can’t help but keep treating her as one.” Bruce places his hand over hers. “You’ve seen first hand the cruelty of Gotham. No one is safe from it, not even Batman. Bruce Wayne? He’s been a target countless times. 

I’ve been held at gunpoint, kidnapped, taken as a hostage, mugged so many times I’ve lost count. To top it off, I’ve been stabbed once when Amira was just a toddler and on the brink of death.

Can you imagine what would happen if word got out that I have a daughter?”

“You’re worrying too much Bruce. And if you’re worried about her safety, you can just-“

“I should’ve worded that better. What would happen if word got out that I have a biological daughter?” 

Selina remained quiet. “The media and people alike swarmed Dick when word got out I adopted him years ago. It’s only gotten worse for him now that he’s 18. Families sending invitations to dinner, some asking for some meetings to see me over how WE should merge with theirs...Dick even gets gifts sent to his apartment, which thankfully he tells the delivery man to always send back or use it for themselves. Marriage is the last thing that should be in his mind.

Right now he’s worried about Slade who made an appearance again at Gotham. We aren’t truly sure why he is here, but perhaps he’s back to trying to “claim” Dick as his successor. He’s been at it the moment he found out we got rid of the Court’s eyes on Dick.”

Selina didn’t know what to say, after all, she was there when it happened. 

“When word got out that Jason has also been adopted, do you know how many attempted kidnaps were stopped? How many people who he trusted before stabbed him in the back to try and get some ransom off a planned kidnapping?

And then there’s Tim. There’s rumors already floating of how he will be the newest addition to the family. The walls have ears and I’ve already heard the upper ring of idiots planning on a way to get a hold of Tim. 

Not only will Tim be part of Wayne Manor, but he is also still a Drake. Can you imagine the golddigger's imagination growing wild at the thought of Tim having both family’s wealth once he’s older?”

Bruce dug his face into his hands. “Selina, these are happening to my kids, my kids who aren’t biologically mine. So what awaits for the one who is biologically mine? Will it be just as terrifying as the dangers my other kids face, or will it be worse?

I don't want her to be thrown into that kind of life. Not her. I just...I just want her to be able to live her life as a proper child. Without the limelight, without the multiple targets that would arise to her back when-”

“So you believe that keeping her hidden was the best thing to do.” Selina concluded.

“She’s safe inside.”

“But is she happy?” Selina watched as Bruce tensed up at those words. “Bruce, look at her.” He did. “Do you call this happiness?

She took upon a mantle so that she can get your attention, your acknowledgement of her existence. Why? Why does she have to prove this to you? Her father? A father who claims that he adores and loves her to pieces? Do you want to know why?” 

Bruce remained silent. “Your love for her caused you to deprive her of the same love you claim to have on her. Your ambition to keep her safe caused you to stray from her, causing her to stay at a large mansion occupied with two people: herself and Alfred. 

How was she supposed to see your love for her when you spent the entire day at work and then dived into vigilantism in the night?” 

Selina carefully slipped Amira off her, allowing herself to sit properly on the chaise lounge. “You made things worse once when you dismissed her approaches to you, dismissing her from joining training, letting her-”

“I let her join-”

“You let her train when you realized she was opening up to her brothers, not before then. I get it, you wanted them to get along, but not letting her join from the get go wasn’t the decision you should’ve made. You should have-”

“She wasn’t ready.”

“How would you know that before even letting her have a go at it? She already knew the basics-”

“Knowing the basics won’t do you much and you know that Selina, better than anyone else. She didn’t have Dick’s flexibility and precision, Jason’s strength and quick thinking. She only knew the basics and that’s it. If I had allowed her-

“Mu’quin?” Amira groggily asked, turning to look at Bruce and Selina with glassy eyes. She missed the gaped mouth from her father and Selina’s wide eyes.

When did she know Mandarin? “Mu’quin?” Amira asked again once she pulled herself closer to Selina, laying her head on her lap. “Ma’ma, don’t...go.” Amira slurred as she went back to sleep, never seeing the look on Selina’s face.

Bruce watched as Selina fought back tears, her hand placed over her mouth as she let out a shuddering breath. She kept blinking in hopes of getting rid of the tears, but her efforts were in vain.

Tears slid down Selina’s face as she stroked Amira’s hair, watching as she comfortably rested.

Bruce continued to watch the interaction between Selina and his daughter, happy to see how close the two have gotten despite the short time spent with one another…

“Selina.” Bruce looked at his soon-to-be-wife, holding her hand in his own. “I’ve made a decision. I’m staying in Paris.”

—

“It got quiet.” Oliver obviously stated. “ Think-”

“I don’t even want to know about what happened in there.” Barry cut off, running a hand through his hair.

“Everything good?” Oliver asked, noticing Barry’s unusual quietness. “Another meta-”

“Ever since the incident, Wally hasn’t been...himself.” Barry confessed. “He’s refused to take time off missions, constantly finding something to do. When it isn’t that, he’s always here, staying by -”

The apartment door cracked open, causing Barry to shut his mouth and for Oliver to turn to see who just entered.

“Well, speak of the devil.” Oliver muttered. “Wally, what brings you here?”

“I came to visit a friend, although the question stands. What brings you to Paris?”

“He’s here with me.” Bruce informed, Wally snapping his head to the man. “I asked him-“

Wally uppercutted Bruce the moment he stepped off the stairs that led to Amira’s bedroom. Bruce stumbles back as the pain spreads around his face. 

“It’s all your fault!” Wally screamed, about to punch him again, only for Barry to hold him back. “It’s all your fault that Amira is like this!” 

“Woah, Wally, calm-” Barry tried to speak, only to turn to Oliver for help. With a nod, Oliver began to search for a tranquilizer on him. 

“Calm down?” Wally screamed. “Barry, he’s the reason why Amira got akumatized!” Wally snarled, trying to pry himself from Barry’s grasp. “If only he had let Amira say goodbye to her brother, to give Jason a proper goodbye! If only! But you didn’t.” A dry laugh escaped him. “No, instead, you sent her here, with her bottled up emotions...here! An ocean away from her family, her friends! People who cared about her!”

Bruce remained silent, Oliver watching the revelation with wide eyes. “Did you know how worried I was about her when I heard she was no longer a moment away but now an ocean away? Amira, being sent away like she was some kind of- some kind of, ARGH!” Wally yelled, not noticing how Barry had already let go of him.

Instead, Barry let him empty out his heart. After all, he needed it, just like how Bruce needed to listen to the consequences of his actions. “That day she was brought to HQ against her will, when she connected the fact that Kid Flash was me, she threw herself at me. At first I thought it was because we hadn’t seen each other in a while, that she was relieved to see me. But no, it was more than that.

 She cried. And let me tell you something, she rarely cries.” Wally told Bruce, feeling his fists starting to hurt. “She always has a stoic face on, always having her guard up in public in case others want to try and make a fool of her. A mechanism she always has on to fool everyone, even herself. 

So can you imagine the feeling I felt when I saw her crying not only in front of me, but also in front of Superman? In a place she wasn’t familiar with?” 

Oliver watched as Bruce shrunk into himself a bit. “She was hurting Bruce. Not only because of Jason’s death, not only because she didn’t have someone to lean on, but because of you. 

You keep pushing her away, telling her ‘no’ to anything she could come up with to try and stay by your side. How do I know this? Because when we were younger, Dick always told me how he felt guilty for being the one to worsen your relationship with her. He always blamed himself for everything wrong that went between you and her.” Bruce’s eyes widened. “Didn’t know, did you, Great Detective? 

If you didn’t know that about Dick, then what about Amira? While you believed to have been protecting her by pushing her away from anything related to vigilantism, she ended up misinterpreting your good intentions. Every time you told her ‘no,’ do you know how she saw it? What she ended up thinking in her mind?

That being your blood child wasn’t enough to get your love. That she had to do something to prove herself worthy of your attention, even a crumb. So if anyone’s to blame for the current situation, it’s you.”

Wally let out a huff, feeling his chest thousands of times lighter. “If only you gave her the love she deserves, the life she was meant to live, then none of this would’ve happened. Hope you’re glad with the way things turned out.” Wally huffed, grabbing his bags. “When I come back tomorrow, I better not see your face unless it’s an apology to Amira.”

A laugh escaped him. “Then again, it would take more than an apology to fix this bullshit.”

With that, Wally left the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Oliver and Barry didn’t budge, instead, the two men stood there, not knowing what to do when they saw their friend with a hung head.

“Hey, Bruce, you-”

“First Harley, then Selina and now Wally.” Bruce listed. “How was I the only one-”

“Love is blind.” Oliver spoke, finally finding the energy to approach Bruce. “Even parental. All you can do now is move forward.”

Bruce could only nod.

“However, this doesn’t mean you’re off the hook Bruce.” Oliver crossed his arms. “How the hell did you manage to hide your daughter’s existence for the past…” Oliver trailed.

“13 years,” Barry filled in, “she’s turning 14 in July.”

—

Amira let out a sigh the moment she woke up, rolling to her side, away from the afternoon light…

She quickly picked up her phone, noticing that it was already the next day. She placed it back down, wondering how she slept through most of the day. Then again, it was silent in the apartment for once…

Silence...she probably alone...or so she thought.

“Amira.” She flinched, sitting up to prevent another disadvantage. “Amira, how are you?” Slowly, Amira turned her attention to her father. She looked away, hating that tears started to pool in her eyes. “Amira.”

When was the last time she ever heard her name spoken so softly by her father?

“You were right, you know.” She whispered, sitting up. “As you always are. After all, you are the greatest detective in Gotham...and possibly the world, because yes, I know of the countless times you’ve helped the Justice League solve a case they were stumped on. It’s all Wally would talk about sometimes.”

“Amira.” Bruce was about to get closer, but stood by the bed when he watched her curl into herself, her body tensing. “I...I was actually...wrong.” That caught her attention, Bruce watching her loosen her body a bit.

“You? Wrong? Since when?”

“All this time, I thought I could keep you safe if I kept you hidden from the world and yet, it still managed to find you. Or rather, you managed to find it.” Amira watched as her father finally decided to sit at the edge of her bed, the mattress sinking under him. “You managed to prove me wrong, not only once, but multiple times. 

The first time was when you accepted Jason into the family. Then when you finally pushed aside your grudge and accepted Dick into the family. When you accepted him as Robin. Then after his death, you managed to accept his death and move on from it. To be honest, I envied how easily it looked.”

“Even though it wasn’t. I’m still trying to move from it, even now.” Amira added meekly. 

“Then when you came to Paris and continued to move forward. You took up a mantle without a doubt and went with it. You’ve saved countless lives, protected an entire city...all without me. Without my help or intervention.”  

Bruce finally decided to sit down once he saw the opportunity. “You see Amira, I never thought you were ready to become a vigilante, to fight against the cruelty of the world, to live in it and yet...you proved me wrong. You’ve shown me that you were already ready to live in this society riddled with obstacles. You showed me that you were capable of adjusting to whatever was thrown your way...of acting accordingly to society. 

You’ve shown me that you’re no longer the tiny, defenseless infant brought to our home all those years ago. You’re no longer the waddling toddler who had to be spoon fed and changed, having to be supervised 24/7 or else you would fall and earn a new scrape. You’re no longer the girl who struggled to reach the edge of the Batcomputer’s chair nor the girl who couldn’t swing a proper hit.” Bruce wiped away a tear that slid down Amira’s face. “You’re now my pride and joy, a young lady who can easily defend those around-”

“I can’t!” Amira confessed, wondering if her father’s hand had always been this warm...this caring. She pushed it away. “You’re wrong! I can’t defend myself, I can’t defend those-”

“Yes…yes, you can…” Bruce tried to assure, but it made Amira panic even more. “You have a team, don’t you? A wonderful team at that.”

“Didn’t you see what happened to me? I allowed myself to get akumatized. I-I failed.”

“Amira, you didn’t, you couldn’t-”

“I knew what Hawkmoth was capable of and yet I allowed myself to-”

“Amira,” Bruce called to attention. “This wasn’t your fault.” That shuts her up.

“It wasn’t?” She scoffed. “Who let their emotions get the best of them? Who let themselves get a lie get under her skin? Who let themselves get akumatized so that they could get revenge on that little-I am the leader! 

I should’ve known better than to let him take advantage of me! But what did I do?

I let him. 

I let him use me, manipulate me, manipulate my emotions, my anger to his benefit. I let him get the better of me and he got what he wanted. He got the strongest akuma he had ever wanted. 

He destroyed my team’s confidence, our strength.” Bruce watched as his daughter stayed quiet, looking down at her hands with disgust. “All it took was one slip up...and that’s probably why you’ve been here all this time, isn’t it? You stayed so that you could take me back to Gotham, isn’t that right?”

Bruce remained silent. “Well, isn’t it?” 

“No.” Bruce didn’t miss a moment. “After seeing how well you’ve been handling this situation, of how proud I am of you finding your suspect on your own, I’ve decided to stay. I’m going to help you take down Hawkmoth, Amira. 

Even if it’s the last thing you want from me.”

Amira watched as her father left, watching as she was left alone once again. 

Tikki flew out from her hiding spot, quickly pressing herself against Amira’s face. 

“Are you okay?” Tikki asked. Amira didn’t respond. “Amira, we need to talk.”

“That we do.” Amira looked at Tikki with glazed eyes. “Tikki. Spots on.” Heading to her skylight, Amira hesitated to open it. 

How will the Parisians react to seeing Ladybird again? 

That didn’t matter. After all, this will be the last time any of them will see her. 

—

A knock came from the door, Chloé not budging from her place in her bed. Then her phone buzzed, but it went ignored.

She was surrounded by post-it notes and papers, Ladybird’s pictures mixed with class notes and online articles trying to find who it was behind the black mask. 

She kept sitting as the door opened, Chloé not lifting her eyes once, listening as footsteps approached her. 

“So, what did Mlle Bustier say this time?” Chloé asked, picking up an article that analyzed Ladybird’s appearance based on people who’ve seen her after she would detransform. They only got one of the details right. She did indeed have green eyes. 

“What she said last time: an excuse for not coming. Now I see how easily it was for you to push her around.” Adrien yelped when Chloé threw a pillow at him. “Hey! I’m only the-“

“I’m not like that anymore.” Chloé muttered, jotting down something on her phone. “I’ve changed.” She hated it when people said she ‘hasn’t changed in the slightest,’ that she was still the same old Chloe. 

“I know.”

“I’m changing. And for the better!” She quickly added afterwards, remembering her last therapy session she had just two days ago. Gris had dropped her off, but Chat stubbornly made it his duty to wait for her and drop her off. She thanked him when he dropped her off and bid her a good night. 

“I know.” The two friends sat in silence, Adrien watching as Chloé kept lifting papers and setting them down. A vast difference to the Chloe who didn’t move a muscle a day after the akuma attack. The Chloe who would wake up nightmare after nightmare, begging those around her to come back. “When do you plan on visiting-“

“I...I don’t know.” Chloé breathlessly said, Adrien regretting asking her when he saw her hands shake. It would always happen no matter where she was. As long as Chloe remembered the events of that attack, it would happen without question. “Every...every time I gather the courage to see her, I see her.” Adrien watched as Chloe’s eyes began to cloud. “I see Marinette, I see her glaring at me, looking at me in disgust. Just like how my mother would look at me whenever I would...I would try to get her attention.” 

Chloé trailed off, shrinking into herself. “She would then pick me apart, telling me every visible flaw she could see before turning around and leaving me. Just like-“

“But you know she would-“

“I know she would never! But seeing that, seeing her walk away from me so easily, without turning back, without shedding a single tear,” Chloé let out a sniffle. “It hurt. And what’s even worse, Sabrina and you would follow her. You guys would walk away from me and leave me.

You guys left me...without a second thought...”

“Chloé, you know we would never do-“ Adrien said with a hug. 

“I know.” Chloé sunk further into the gesture. “I know you guys wouldn’t. But I can’t help but-“

“It will never happen.” Adrien promised. “We won’t allow that to happen. Ever.” Chloé would only him as Adrien rubbed circles on her back, the two continuing to sit in silence. “You know…” a hum. “What if we threw a Christmas party?”

“A Christmas party?” Chloe asked for clarification, already planning for it. “That...that would be...nice.”

“Exactly!” Adrien smiled, now holding Chloe’s hands. “It can just be us! And of course, Nino, Sabrina and Marinette! Just us and that's it. A party amongst friends!” He watched as Chloe’s lips turned upwards. She was on board. “So? What you think?”

“Let’s do it.” Chloe said with a smile, getting off from her bed. “I could use the change of pace.”

“Okay then! Want to make the invitations or plan out the-”

“Why would we need invi-” Chloe started, only to stare at Adrien with wide eyes. “No way.” Adrien simply grinned.

--

Once Adrien had left, telling Chloe his plan, Chloe started to clean up her bed, throwing discarded plans into her trash bin while she took a pile of post-it notes to another part of her room. Or more specifically, her closet.

She picked up a control, the back panel of her wardrobe opened up, exposing an all-points bulletin, photos of Ladybird scattered around the wall, red threads crossing each other. Notes and pieces of news articles were firmly placed alongside the photos, a few of them crossed out or labeled ‘debunked’.

Chloe placed a photo of Bruce Wayne near the index card where the name ‘Amira’ was written. Unlike the other photo Chloe had of Bruce, this one showed him entering the Dupain-Cheng Bakery. It was from earlier today. And unlike the other photo Chloe got from the media, this photo was taken by Sabrina.

Whether this was the first time he’s been there or not, one question remained.

“Why exactly are you here, Bruce Wayne? Are you the reason why Ladybird has not been appearing for the past two weeks?” 

--

Days went by when Adrien decided to visit Marinette again, surprised to see the Dupain-Cheng residency filled to the brim with...strangers.

“Adrien. What brings you here?” Selina snapped him from his trance, not blaming the kid for gaping at the sight of the apartment. 

Dick came unannounced to visit Amira for the upmteenth time that week, this time bringing Kor’i and Roy along. They were busy chatting with a disinterested Amira. Bruce was trying to scold Dick for it, to let Amira settle for the evening, but with Wally just a few feet away, it wasn’t exactly easy. Barry, Oliver and Dinah were chatting away with Ivy and Harley, the adults not giving a care in the world about releasing information about their other ‘job.’

“I came by to see Marinette.” Adrien quietly said, his eyes catching how Marinette perked at the sound of her name and how Wally turned to him as well. “But it seems like now’s a bad time. I could-”

“Nonsense, come in. Ignore the others. Marinette could use an excuse right about now.” Selina pulled him in, closing the door behind him. Adrien watched as Marinette weaved her way towards Adrien, Wally right behind her. He watched as the trio they left behind either smirked or smiled.

“Adrien. You literally texted me just an hour ago.” Marinette brought up. “You could’ve-”

“Are you doing anything for Christmas?” Adrien asked, earning a tilt of a head from Marinette and quirked brows from Wally before his eyes studied him. Adrien felt a shiver down his spine. “I just wanted to invite you to a Christmas party, of course! It’s just going to be us and a few friends! Your friend could come as well, if he wants to!” Adrien quickly added.

Ever since he met Wally, something about him threw Adrien off. At first, he thought it was because he was Marinette’s friend from the States. Wally himself had said he was on Winter Break and decided to spend it with Marinette so that they could catch up...until the attack happened. So Adrien brushed his worry as just a concerned friend thing. But ever since Bruce came into the picture, Wally had gone...aggressive. 

“I…” Marinette started, looking over to Selina. “Can I think over it?” Marinette asked, Adrien noticing Wally gave Marinette’s hand a squeeze. “If that isn’t too much to ask.” Adrien smiled.

“You got two days to think about it. Use all the time you need!” Adrien chirped, waving goodbye to everyone before leaving the apartment.

“Are you sure about this Amira?” Wally asked her, Amira noticing his concern. “You don’t have to force yourself to-”

“I’m not forcing myself.” Amira confessed. “I...I do need time to think about it though. I don’t want to make any mistakes while choosing their gifts.”

“You’re getting one for me too, right?” Dick asked, Amira turning to see her brother by her side. 

“I’m not going to if you continue to pester me about it.” That earned a dramatic gasp from Dick.

“My own sister!”

While Wally smiled at seeing Amira starting to act like herself again, he couldn’t help but continue to stay on high alert. 

Ever since the akuma attack, something has been off and he didn’t know why. 

Seems like only time will tell.

--

Two days came sooner than wanted, Amira standing outside the bakery bundled up with Wally by her side, the snow welcoming them. 

While her father didn’t want her to go, nonetheless with Wally, Selina managed to convince Bruce to go back to Gotham, telling him that Gotham was never uneventful during Christmas Eve nor the day after. Begrudgingly, Bruce went, dragging Dick, Ivy and Harley back with him.

Selina assured Amira that she had nothing to worry about, to go to the party and have fun.

“Are you sure you want me to go ahead?” Wally asked, managing to maintain the stack of gifts in his arms balanced. “I can just zoom there, drop off the gifts and then walk you-”

“Wally. I’m going to be okay.” Amira assured him. “I just want to walk there by myself. Think about a few things before facing...everyone.” Wally’s mouth formed a thin line. 

“Amira, you don’t-”

“I’m not forcing myself.” She cut him off. “I do want to see my friends again...after all, it’s been almost three week since I’ve seen any of them.” Wally sighed in defeat, bouncing the gifts before taking a step forward. 

“Fine. But seriously. If you end up not wanting to go, just call me or text me. I’ll be here in a heartbeat and keep you company back home.”

“I know you would.” She watched as Wally began to walk away. “Wally.” He stopped, watching as Amira skipped towards him. 

“Yeah.”

“Thank you, for always being by my side.” Amira said with a smile, placing a knitted hat on him. “An early Christmas gift...for you.”

Feeling the tips of his ear begin to burn, Wally turned away from her.

“Thanks...I’ll see you there, okay?”

“Yup.” Amira watched as Wally walked towards the Agreste manor, letting her smile drop.

She walked towards the park nearby, listening as her foot crunched the snow beneath her. She continued to walk, going as far as reaching the carousel in the middle of the park. The carousel was perfectly still, it’s lights lowly dimmed, allowing Amira to see the untouched snow surrounding it. She looked behind herself to see that the only tracks in the snow were her own...so then...why was she still able to hear the snow crunch?

“Amira.” Amira regretted not keeping a weapon on her, cursing herself for going soft. “Amira.” The voice said again, Amira picking the voice coming from her right. But no one was there, not even a pair of footsteps. But this voice...it sounded the same as the time she was- “Amira.”

Swiveling so that she was now facing the path that led to the park entrance, Amira locked eyes with a woman she swore she never saw before...and yet…

She seemed familiar. Amira felt like she had seen this woman before, an odd memory flashing before her eyes as she remembered having once seen this woman. But where?

“Why do you know my name?” Amira asked, her mind running through different plans in her head on a way to escape and tell Wally or Selina about her dilemma.

“It’s been so long, Amira.” The woman said, approaching Amira, not making a sound as she made footprints in the snow. How Amira hated that the woman ignored her question, but it intrigued her to know that they did indeed meet once before. But then the questions still remained. Who was she? And how did she know her name? “The last time we saw each other, you were just a child, an infant. Barely able to walk, even babble.”

Amira watched as the woman got closer to her, now circling her. “You were such a quiet baby, never fussed about anything.” Amira watched as the woman placed her hands on either side of her face, her brown eyes analyzing her. “Now look at you, all grown up. Just how many milestones have I missed?”

“You still haven’t answered my question. Who are you?”

“I thought you would’ve already had your answer by now.” The woman said, letting go of Amira only to pull her into a tight hug. “I’m your mother, Amira. My name is Talia Al Ghul...and I’m your mu’quin.”

Just as Amira was about to ask if she was Talia, she felt herself limp and soon, she saw black.

--

Wally stood at the entrance of the Agreste manor, tapping his foot as he checked his phone for the umpteenth time. Something was wrong.

“What’s taking her so long? It’s literally just a few blocks from-”

“Is Mlle Dupain-Cheng still not here?” It took everything in Wally to not immediately turn around and glare at the man. While the man did take the time to greet him, there was no way Wally was going to buy his act, especially when Gabriel looked like he had seen death and just got back.

“I’m going to go look for her.” Wally muttered, quickly putting back his coat and hat and going out to look for Amira. 

Going back to where they saw each other just minutes ago, Wally noticed that her footsteps lead straight to the park, deciding to follow them. But when he got to the end and noticed that the footprints didn’t continue to anywhere, Wally panicked. Using Speedforce, he quickly zoomed around the park, looking for any trace of Amira, but found none.

“Where did you go?” Wally asked no one, feeling his head begin to hurt, finding it harder to breathe. His head began to ring and then it happened. He saw Amira reaching out for him before being dragged away.

It was happening again…

He couldn’t protect Amira… he failed her yet again.

A scream pierced that Christmas Eve’s cold air, the scream carrying out to Christmas Day itself.

What a wonderful gift to start Christmas Day.

NEXT

[locktobre]

bcbd thoughts

right away I see that this is only an hour long, so... it’s not a movie, then. it’s a one hour special, again. I feel like I’m already gonna miss the extra 20 minutes just like dolphin magic but we’ll see I guess. maybe it’ll be a mercy that it’s shorter.

the opening credits/dream sequence was nice. the animation on the city is decent, and the monochrome thing was kind of cool.

her being on stage reminded me a little of Eden, and then immediately I missed Eden so much. they would never let a version of Babs be a bitch now and that’s such a shame.

so now we’re joking about George tracking Barbie’s cell phone? bc that’s fine and not at all an invasion of privacy or anything. also, you can check flight statuses on the internet so that’s really not necessary. also, why the fuck didn’t Barbie call them once she got off the plane? or at least text? I always text or call my mom when I land, and frankly I’m not even as close to my mom as Barbie claims to be to her parents. and I did that when I was 17 traveling alone, too, so it’s not just something I do as an adult. it’s part of the responsibility of traveling to let ppl know that you got somewhere safe so they don’t worry about you. what the fuck Babs.

was that honking supposed to be like censoring the cabbie swearing bc I would love that. let the cabbie say fuck.

I still maintain that this “summer program” thing is bullshit and Babs should have been going off to college. I know they won’t let her grow up but it makes more sense than this does. also, you’re telling me there’s no summer programs for acting/whatever in LA? seriously? she HAD to go across the country for this? and her parents let her? they don’t even trust her! they said that 2 seconds ago! or is tracking her cell phone the reason she’s allowed to travel across the country (to Willows and Florida and Hawaii) by herself in the first place? I hate this I hate it so much already

The Handler Arts Academy... oh I’m feeling emotions

“luck’s got nothing to do with it. you worked your tail off for this” SHOW ME FOR WHEN, PLEASE. this could have been an actual arc of the show, a goal Barbie was working towards that could thread thru multiple episodes... but no. this came out of nowhere. I’m STILL saying that Amelia bought Barbie’s place here bc FUCK YOU SHOW

“I hope I’m good enough” you’re a mediocre rich white woman, you can do literally anything you want.

why is her guitar shoved in a cardboard box and not, idk, in a guitar case? that’s stupid. also, that’s an open cardboard box, so how did that travel on the plane? a closed cardboard box, fine. should be a suitcase, but fine. but this just makes no sense and I am not going to let it slide bc I hate this continuity and everything about it.

however, I will give Brooklyn a pass for the open cardboard box bc she literally lives in NYC and didn’t have to take a fucking plane to get here. she can carry it like that if she wants.

“as long as you don’t break [my leg], we’re good” I’ve already seen Brooklyn in a cast, so... does Malibu literally break her leg later on? even on accident... jesus christ.

is this Russian(?) custodian lady gonna be the antagonist/villain? bc I’m already not vibing with that. not at fucking all.

how the FUCK could they show up a day early? why would they not show up on the day they’re supposed to? that doesn’t make any sense! and if they’re NOT supposed to be there yet, then there would be no staff there to watch them, so they should have to come back tomorrow! they shouldn’t be allowed to be by themselves in a school like this! I’m assuming this is to facilitate a day of bonding without stupid things like classes in the way, but they could have written an orientation day or something in that would have made more sense, and as I said, I am not inclined to give them a pass on anything these days. fuck you all.

so, room assignments are alphabetical... I guess that kind of explains them being in the same room, altho it does feel coincidental that they wouldn’t be, like, in neighboring rooms. also they didn’t animate little signs on the other doors, even with nonsense text if they didn’t want to put other names up, so their door really sticks out for no reason. also, shouldn’t it say “Barbie Roberts & Barbie Roberts” or some other way of having both names on the door? also, if the school knows they have the same name, couldn’t they put middle initials or something? we know Malibu is Barbie M. Roberts, and I will generously assume that Brooklyn’s middle name is something else, so that would have been fine. this really feels like the administrators don’t give a fuck, and in a supposedly prestigious school, I don’t buy that.

so, Brooklyn has been training every summer in different programs, very intensely, to get in here... and Malibu trained on the internet. what have I been saying about Malibu’s white mediocrity? hmm?

even after that (lackluster) montage, it feels way too soon for “Before Us.” I don’t believe they’re best friends who warrant a song about their friendship. I don’t believe that at all.

I like the bald fashionista being on the billboard, that’s a nice touch.

Malibu bringing up her vlog like that gives me hives. she has already stated multiple times that she does that to help ppl, not for clout, and yet. here she is. being a fake ass bitch once again.

Brooklyn and Emmie’s story is already way more interesting than this and I’m pissed that’s just backstory.

LOVE that green-haired dude. idk where you’re going with that drum but godspeed my dude.

I’m assuming that’s Emmie incognito in the back, but... what’s she doing here if she’s already famous? pulling an Erika Juno?

Dean Morrison seems cool

(is it too early to ship Brooklyn x Emmie?)

if pets are allowed in this school, I’m SHOCKED Malibu didn’t bring Taffy. truly fucking shocked.

Rafa reminds me so much of Jacques Rousseau

“the only labels we believe in are designer” so Rafa’s gay, right? Barbie’s first gay character? I can only assume

the ballet thing still doesn’t make sense to me, if their goal is to be on Broadway. ballet is an entire art and discipline in itself.

fencing makes more sense, bc stage fighting is a thing.

‘work it’ is even funnier than I imagined. Malibu you’re such a fuck up. and I can’t even cut you some slack bc earlier you said your training was “internet.” you didn’t work for this and you don’t belong here. die.

if this was PCS, Malibu would have been kicked out already. YOU WERE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS. WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING FOR MONTHS.

so, the ‘work it’ montage clearly showed the passage of time, it’s been at least a week, and... Malibu hasn’t talked to Ken at all during that time? this is the first time she’s telling him about Brooklyn?

ok, confirmed to be a week. and she hasn’t talked to Ken. of course. they are so close of course she hasn’t talked to him in a week, especially when she’s been struggling so much and would need to vent to a friend about it. of course.

so, Emmie is pulling an Erika Juno. at least she’s in disguise.

jesus christ, they’re really having Emmie be exploited by her own father??? JESUS.

ok Brooklyn x Emmie is sailing.

Brooklyn’s mom is an airline pilot, that sounds cool.

so the dresses are powered by the magic of friendship? cool. that’s stupid.

of COURSE Emmie’s dad is the board member. jesus christ I hate this dude.

okay, so she DIDN’T break her leg, it’s only a sprain. thank god. poor green-haired drum dude.

saying “epic fail” in 2021 unironically is not cool, mattel. unless I’m even more out of touch with the youth than I thought, but I’m pretty sure about that.

wait, so Brooklyn was dancing... and now she’s on crutches again? what is this montage? they fucked up here.

of all things to kick Malibu out for, they’re saying she pushed Brooklyn? why not all the fuck ups in her first week?

also, Rafa was taping that class so how do they not bring that up immediately? that’s the whole reason they were dancing over there in the first place! (so he might not have caught anything, but still, I have to assume that’s going to fix this bc that’s what these movies do.)

I really like Malibu’s leather jacket look, but she does look a little bit old I think. Brooklyn’s leggings look is nice, too.

okay, so Brooklyn suddenly believes the unnamed witness over the girl she sang ‘before us’ with? okay. I told you this friendship was a crock of shit. they don’t trust each other at all! Brooklyn should have been angry when she first fell, and it builds to thinking that she was sabotaged, but she brushed it off... and now she’s pissed. that makes no sense.

this friendship breakup song also means nothing to me bc their friendship fell apart for such a stupid reason. fate didn’t tear you apart, you tore yourselves apart by not trusting each other. stupid little children.

if Brooklyn’s ankle isn’t completely healed aka still painful, she should not be dancing on it, she could injure herself more or at least prolong the healing process.

ok, so NOW, after Malibu has already been expelled and sent back home, they remembered the video. these kids are so fucking stupid. and of COURSE the unnamed witness is Mr Miller! Emmie, you ALREADY KNOW that your dad is shady as shit and wants you to get the Spotlight Solo! HOW DID YOU NOT PUT THIS TOGETHER IN 5 SECONDS? I DID

so, Mr Miller thought Malibu was Emmie’s biggest competition for the solo? Malibu, the spectacular fuck up? not Brooklyn? or any of the background extras? I refuse to fucking believe that. I REFUSE.

how did George and Margaret just let Malibu get expelled without flying out there to fight the charge? seriously?

how is is Brooklyn singing ‘before us’ in-universe such that Malibu recognizes it? you’re breaking the conventions of musicals! I don’t get this!

I like Brooklyn’s mom being a pilot less after it’s been used to facilitate this bullshit part of the plot.

again, just “Barbie Roberts” makes no sense. where’s a middle initial to differentiate them! SOMETHING! I know they’re doing the finale together, but still, it’s STUPID.

shipping Rafa x green-haired drummer dude bc I can

where’s the Emmie doll for this movie?????? I’m so disappointed. also the other outfits, the leather jacket and leggings ones, I swear those weren’t dolls either. what the fuck

I see more fashionistas on billboards at the end! I really like that

so the custodian wasn’t a villain... then why that introduction for her? that went nowhere

is “Big City Big Dreams” supposed to be Emmie’s song? that Malibu lips-synced to on her vlog (apparently)? I can’t tell by the voice and they don’t list the voices for the songs in the credits

overall, once again it largely made no sense. idk if it would have benefitted from 20 extra minutes of screentime bc nothing really happened.

also, what the fuck happened to Mr Miller? he just keeps on exploiting his daughter? and for that matter, what happened to Emmie’s mom? bc she lived with her, and then all of the sudden her dad was in her life again and exploiting her, so... what did mom die? did he kill her? what am I supposed to think? and Emmie’s STILL stuck in that situation? girl. what the fuck

also of course they were too cowardly to confirm anything about Rafa. of course.

[gleeblaineislife]

another blaine’s parents/home life headcanon

There is a big age difference between Pam (Blaine’s mother) and Todd (Blaine’s father). Pam got pregnant with Cooper when she was 18 years old. She was a single mother working most of the day at a diner and taking night college classes a few times a week. She was 21 and Todd was 40 when they met. He was an immigrant from the Philippines and also didn’t have much money. They became friends and Pam ended up getting kicked out of her house since she could no longer pay the rent. Todd took her in and Pam + her 5 year old son moved in with Todd. Todd worked as a salesman and the company he worked for started expanding. Todd was a very smart salesman and as the company expanded he started making more and more sales which meant he made more money. The company realized how valuable Todd was and made sure to give him raises. Pam was still living with Todd and needed money desperately and Todd decided that if he was ever going to get a wife he better get one soon. Pam+Todd went on a few dates before making an arrangement to just get married. They moved into a bigger house and spoiled Cooper with material things (he was already spoiled in love/affection). A couple years after being married, Pam got pregnant with Blaine. It came as a shock to both of them. The pregnancy made Pam+Todd close for a while but once Blaine was about a year old they went back to their lives. Pam got a job at a cosmetics company so she had her parents babysit Blaine and Cooper. Once Cooper was 13, they no longer needed the grandparents to be around that much. Cooper was supposed to stay home and watch Blaine but he would sneak out to hang out with friends or invite them over while making sure Blaine stayed in his room. The way Blaine and Cooper were raised was very different: Cooper being the only child with his mother who always made time for him (no matter how tired) and Todd who didn’t work as much was constantly showered with their love. He was planned to be Pam’s one and only child so she made sure to do it right by going to every event Cooper was in and being there for him. Blaine on the other hand grew up a lonely child. Todd and Pam worked a lot, Cooper always pushed him to the side, and he was a really shy child. There were times where Cooper would forget to pick him up from his lessons (either piano or violin) and he would sit on a bench waiting for hours. The only times he was truly happy was with his grandparents or when he got to visit relatives in the Philippines. His grandparents gave him all their love. He has fond memories of celebrating the holidays with them (Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah for a few examples) and they would go to fun places and make him actual home-cooked food. They also took an actual interest in his life. Also a couple times he and his father went to the Philippines for the summer (his father could afford to do that since the company he worked for was international and he could do business in the Philippines). Blaine loved meeting his relatives who, like his grandparents, took an interest in his life and paid attention to him. In school, Blaine only had a few friends and got teased for multiple reasons: he wore bowties, had really curly hair, wore glasses, was really small/scrawny, and was asian (kids in Ohio schools are really racist; probably since most people in the small towns are white). Unlike Cooper, whenever Blaine had something special going on, his parents didn’t go. They were always too busy with work for him. Whenever his parents were home though, Blaine really saw the rifts in their marriage. Pam was really unhappy and lonely in the marriage. She was drunk a lot and always had some amount of alcohol in her system when she was home. She worked less than Todd and whenever Todd went on business trips her loneliness would get the better of her. She hooked up with other men and Blaine knew because she would do it while he was in the house. His parents fought a lot when they were actually in the house at the same time. Todd ended up finding out about Pam’s cheating (which she used the excuse she was lonely) and Todd just started being unfaithful to Pam too. Infidelity was a normalized thing in the Anderson household. They were a household that cared a lot about appearances too. So whenever they all had to go to fancy dinner parties or just public in general, they were always dressed as nice as could be and they all acted like one big happy family. Blaine came out as gay when he was 13 years old. He didn’t actually plan to come out, it just sort of happened. Blaine was having dinner with his parents+grandparents and the subject of homosexuality came up. They were being homophobic and Blaine couldn’t take it. He just got up and walked out of the room. Blaine’s grandmother and grandfather both went to talk to him. He sat teary-eyed on his bed as he told them he was gay. They walked out of the room and right out of the house telling Todd+Pam that they didn’t feel comfortable in their house anymore on the way out. Pam, being drunk (even in front of her parents), was unresponsive and continued nibbling on her meal. Todd was confused and went to see what happened. He found Blaine in his bedroom with the door open sobbing into his pillow. He asked Blaine what he had done but Blaine refused to answer. Todd threatened Blaine (with getting in trouble not violence) and said he would find out anyways by just calling Pam’s parents. Blaine reluctantly told his father he was gay. Todd yelled at him and told him stuff like ‘don’t say that’, ‘how would you know that?’, and  ‘you just need to find the right woman’. His father started paying attention to Blaine after that. He did masculine things with Blaine like building a car and watching football. He tried to get Blaine interested in girls by asking about them a lot and pointing some out and being like ‘look at her. What do you think of her? Isn’t she gorgeous?’. It was incredibly damaging for Blaine especially when some kid told the rest of the school Blaine was gay. Blaine only had two people who would even refer to him as his real name at school, Lucy and the only other out gay kid (Evan). They were a trio of outcasts who were forced to face the bullying together. All of the other students only ever called him the f slur and nothing else. The bullying was really intense and along with his father trying to straighten him out, he was literally in a living hell. One day he snapped at his father. He yelled at him to stop trying to make him straight because it’s never going to happen before going to his room, climbing out the window, and running to Evan’s house. He stayed there for a few days before finally returning home. His father started to pick up work again and Todd+Blaine avoided each other. Nothing that happened really registered with Pam since she drank while at home. The Sadie Hawkins incident is actually when Cooper first found out Blaine was gay. He moved to L.A. when he was 18 (which Todd was not happy about) and he and Blaine were not close at all. Some of Blaine's resentment for Cooper showed up at the fact that even while he was in the hospital, Cooper didn’t go back to Ohio. The only support he got from his brother was one measly phone call. Todd visited the hospital a couple times. He was of course upset his son was injured but he couldn’t help but feel like it was Blaine’s fault. Blaine already knew his school was homophobic so why would he go to a dance with another boy? Blaine kicked Todd out after Todd expressed that opinion and Todd just didn’t show up again. Pam visited the hospital as much as she could. The fact that her son was bashed sobered her up (for a while) and made her realize she had missed most of her son’s life (until she forgot about him again). Blaine also never did get to see Lucy (so he thought) or Evan again. Blaine’s relationship with his parents turned back into what it was before once he started at Dalton. He pretty much never saw them (he boarded at Dalton and mostly didn’t go home on the weekends since he knew his parents would be working) and they just threw money his way to make up for their shitty parenting.  

[angelsunflowers-fanfics]

Requests as of October 2020

So, first things first everyone, I’d thought that I would let all 119 of my followers know that I am still writing these fics, and I have been writing much more as of recent than I have this entire year. And I my inbox is still very much open and if you guys don’t know the rules for requesting please go to my prompt list that you can find on literally every single fic. 

and Second, I’m posting the names and summaries of all the things I’m writing at the moment. And please remember than commenting and talking to authors is amazing for motivation and Don’t forget to reblog! <3

You are allowed to request smuts if you so choose to. I am an asexual virg, but I am comfortabel to smut and the good ol’ Devil’s tango. I am not repulsed by it to be blunt about the topic. I have at least 3 smuts on this list that I can think about. So go ahead if you’ve been waiting to request. <3

6teen

Jonesy Garcia x Female!Goth!reader: Jonesy and the reader are in the gray area of their relationship between friendship and relationship and end up making out in a closet 

Avatar: the last airbender

Sokka x Male!reader: Sokka thought that the fire nation killed the reader is very relieved to see that wasn’t the case and celebrates with a steamy night alone with his lover (Yes, this is a smut)

Sokka x reader: Sokka cuddles up next to the reader very early in the morning after a nightmare

Adult!Toph x Adult!Female!Clumsy!reader: Toph is practicing and the reader tries to sneak up on her but fails of course due to her own clumsiness.

Zuko x Earthbender!reader: Zuko says something hurtful to the reader and tries to make up for it.

Injured!Zuko x reader: Zuko gets injured as the blue spirit and finds himself in a inn being healed by a kind stranger

Bioshock

Rosalind Lutece x reader: Rosalind finally realizes that she’s in love with the reader, her assistant

Boku No Hero Academia

Katsuki Bakugou x Quirkless!reader: The reader develops their quirk 10 years late and bakugou is surprised by his childhood friend’s new ability 

Borderlands (2, pre-squel, Tales from the borderlands, 3)

Fl4k x Female!Short!reader x Zer0:The reader is being a brat towards Zer0 and Fl4k and they both snap and ask her what’s wrong

Tyreen Calypso x Female!reader: Tyreen kidnaps the reader for her own special interest but is surprised when she shows no fear to Tyreen.

Zane Flynt x Female!reader: The reader is a new recruit and Zane takes her under his wing to train her. On their first day of working together, they are lead to stay at a cozy inn but there’s a catch... there’s only one bed. (a favorite trope of mine) 

Zer0 x Female!reader: Zero and the reader are stuck in a closet, shenanigan's ensue (Smut)

CEO!Rhys Strongfork x Female Secretary!reader x Timothy Lawrence: This is one of mine and is very self indulgent but I wanna post it when it’s done just in case people also enjoy my favorite boys. The reader is the secretary to Rhys under Atlas and one day Timothy Lawrence shows up (Takes place after the casino) in his office for a meeting and the reader and him reunite because they used to be lovers and partners in vault hunting. 

Bully 

Jimmy Hopkins x reader: “Every time I see you, my heart skips a beat.” I have literally nothing for this, I’m sorry but I will figure something out. 

Jimmy Hopkins x reader: Jimmy notices how the teachers keep pairing him up with the reader but he isn’t against the idea of spending more time with them at all

Jimmy Hopkins x Shy!reader: the reader is shy and kind but people think they’re innocent but they’ve seen more trauma and terror in the world than they should at their age and Jimmy finally finds out and comfort them to his best ability 

Jimmy Hopkins x reader: The reader is getting harrassed by some students and Jimmy defends them

Pete Kowalski x Female!reader: Pete gets into a fight with some kids from the school and the reader, who is the exact opposite of Pete, defends him and asks him out

Jimmy Hopkins x Male!reader: Jimmy helps pick up some books after some jerks knock them out of the reader’s hands

Gary Smith x reader x Jimmy hopkins x Pete Kowalski: The reader takes care of the main 3′s wounds after they come back from a particular bad fight

Detroit: Become human (Video Game)

Ralph x Female!reader: Ralph is upset and the reader calms hi down

Ralph x Female!reader: Ralph learned something new whilst the reader was away and wants to show her (Smut)

RK900 x Female!reader: After a tough case, Nines helps the reader wash their hair and the stress of the day away

The Incredibles (Movie)

Teen!Dash Parr x Artist!reader:The reader sketches graffiti and Dash passes by them one day and confesses

Life is strange 1, 2 (Video game)

Finn McNamara x Female!Diaz!reader: Finn likes the reader quite a bit but his timing isn’t the best with her and the Diaz’s being on the run.

Sean Diaz x Female!reader: Sean and Daniel discover someone with powers similar to Daniel’s and ask her to join them on their adventure. 

Miraculous ladybug (Series) 

Adrien Agreste x Foreign!reader: The reader’s heat goes out in their apartment and Adrien offeres his place until their heat comes back on since it’s the middle of winter

Onward (Movie)

Ian Lightfoot x reader: “I care about you.” (Again, I have no outline yet, but i’m working on it.)

Red vs Blue (Series)

Church x reader x Tucker: Tucker and Church fight for the reader’s attention like children

Rise of the Guardians (Movie)

Jack Frost x Female!Spring Spirit!reader: Jack and the reader are close and kissing quickly leads to smut

Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles (Series)

Donatello Hamato x Insomniac!reader: After Donnie figures out that the reader is sleep deprived, he pulls them to the side to comfort them over their stress of not sleeping

Donatello Hamato x reader: Donnie is just wondering in a library when he sees a cute person stressing over a class they haven’t been paying attention to all year and decides to help them

She-Ra (Series)

Hordak x Female!Shy!reader:The reader just wants to give the world some light because she’s seen darkness but people think it’s because she’s innocent

Ps4 Spider-man (Video game)

Ps4 Spider-man x reader: This is one of my own fics, but basically Spidey saves the reader from some thugs and walks them home like the gentleman he is. 

Steven Universe (Series and movie)

Sour Cream x Female!reader: Sour Cream comforts the reader as she’s just been dumped by Kevin

Steven Universe x Boyfriend!reader: Steven is worried that his boyfriend may be hurt when he goes off to college or even out of town, so he trains him in self defense.

Steven Universe x Male!Psychotherapist!reader: The reader is Steven’s Psychotherapist and helps him whilst also falling in love with him, but it’s not one-sided

Steven Universe x Female!Impulsive!reader: Idiot x That’s my idiot trope, Steven saves the reader’s ass from getting hurt in a fight

Steven universe x reader:Once a week Steven visits the pet center that opened up in town and relaxes with the reader

Steven Universe x Tough!reader: Steven gives the reader weekly healing sessions after finding them with multiple wounds every week

Stoked (Series)

Ripper x reader: Ripper and the reader cuddle on the couch outside their rooms on the porch

Telltale’s the Walking dead game (Video game)

Mitch x reader: Mitch and the reader are fighting until it eventually leads to kissing

Voltron (Series)

Keith Kogane x Female!reader: Keith is immediatly attracted to her when she punches Lance because his flirting it getting too in her face. 

Lance McClain x Female!reader: After being yelled at by Keith, Lance comforts his friend of many years

[aion-rsa]

15 Strongest Pokémon… Emotionally

https://ift.tt/2TyXgQ6

The world of Pokémon is a hard and cruel place. It takes a tough Pokémon to stand tough and survive, which doesn’t make it a suprise that some of the most celebrated Pokémon could also be considered the strongest.

For all the lessons of friendship, Pokémon Centers, and jelly donut flavored rice balls, it’s not easy living in the world of Pokémon. In fact, it can be downright cruel for some. That’s why we want to honor an elite selection of Pokémon that are the most powerful, toughest, unassailable, and strongest…emotionally.

Because let’s face it, any Pokémon that can survive fear of death, rejection, imposter syndrome, or questionable hair choices can almost certainly beat Eternatus.

Charmander

Death comes for us all, but Charmanders have it especially rough. It’s been said that a Charmander dies if the flame on its tail is extinguished. That means that a Charmander must live in constant fear of anything that could put out its flame. Water, strong winds, and sand (coarse and rough as it is) kill up to 2000 Charmanders a year (we presume). If only there was a way to donate Pokémon pennies a day and help Charmanders everywhere live free of the fear of death.

Jigglypuff

Rejection. We can all remember times we’ve felt it. Maybe it was a lost crush, not getting that job, or never getting to control the playlist in the car because you once made the mistake of letting “Misty’s Song” play on a road trip and your friends never forgot it. Jigglypuff gets that. Every time it attempts to sing, its audience falls asleep. If a Jigglypuff sings a song and no one is there to hear it, did it ever make a sound?

Dugtrio (Alola Version)

Keeping your hair well maintained is tough even on the best days. Now imagine your defining trait is that you use your entire body to dig out of the ground. How are you supposed to keep those luscious locks full and silky through such a process? I’m bald, so I genuinely have no idea, but Alola Dugtrios have somehow mastered the art. How? If we ever learned their secret, all wars would probably end, all criminal organizations would dissolve, and at that moment, we may understand the secrets of the universe. Or they’d just let us know the name of their stylist.

Team Rocket’s Meowth

How far have you gone for love? Did you walk 500 miles? Did you ride on a piano for 1000 miles? What did you do? I can guarantee it wasn’t anything close to what Team Rocket’s Meowth did when he became the only Pokémon to learn to speak human to impress the lady Meowth he loved. And what did he get for it? He was called a freak.

Team Rocket’s Meowth may fail every week, but he goes on despite the pain. Every day he does, he’s stronger than all of us.

Abra

Multiple years in therapy have taught me you can’t run from your problems; you have to face them head-on. Sure, you can avoid sadness by avoiding problems, but in the process, you run the risk of avoiding happiness. I think about Abra in therapy sometimes because all it can do is escape via teleportation. That its only significant power. The mental walls it must have built up can surely withstand any attack, physical or emotional.

Unless, of course, you play M2M’s “Don’t Say You Love Me” from Pokémon: The First Movie’s soundtrack. That could make a grown Tyranitar cry.

Electrode

One might think that Voltorb could easily share this slot with Electrode, but there’s a key difference. Voltorbs are young and innocent. They haven’t lived enough life to know how sad it is when it all self-destructs on you. Electrodes know. They’ve loved, they’ve lost, they have families, and they have careers. But to self-destruct is what an Electrode must do, and it does it well.

Cubone

Everyone and their Rattata knows that Cubones wear the skulls of their dead mothers. What people fail to consider is that every single Cubone in the world shares that same backstory. Why are all Marowaks eventually killed? Is it the birthing process? What immediately deteriorates their skulls for Cubones to wear? Whatever it is, a Cubone becomes tough as rocks from the moment it’s born, and no one can stand up to a Pokémon that can handle that level of grief.

Or it’s all a big scam. If you look closely, the skull Cubone wears is not an exact replica of a Marowak. What are they trying to hide, huh? Is Mr. Fuji trying to drive tourists to Lavender Town? If that is the case, then Cubones have been running an incredible racket for years and deserve to be on this list solely for the power it takes to deceive everyone in the Pokémon world.

Read more

Games

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By Bernard Boo

Games

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By Matthew Byrd

Chansey

“A Machamp who thinks it’s strong has never been a Chansey in a Pokémon center.” – Pokémon proverb (probably).

Chansey must heal hundreds, if not thousands, of sick and injured Pokémon a day. The mental strain they endure must be immense, but Chansey does it all with a smile. That’s powerful. It also has to handle customer service at Pokémon Centers, and that might make it even more powerful. After all, the only thing that’s harder than a battle with a Palkia is dealing with the ninth person today asking to see your Nurse Joy manager.

Staryu

Every time Staryu emerges from its Poké Ball it screams, “HYAH.” Is this a battle tactic to frighten its opponents… or is it something deeper? A cry for help? A plea to stop this senseless conflict? Perhaps Staryu screams hoping the eternal void will scream back.

Mewtwo

Oh sure, you can catch one at level 70 and it already knows the Psychic ability, but that isn’t why Mewtwo is powerful. It’s powerful because it’s burdened with teenage angst. “WHY WAS I CREATED?” it asks. I don’t know, Mewtwo. Put it on your Xanga, I’m trying to play Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.

When Mewtwo grows up it’ll take some serious time to scrub all that cringe from its social media profiles.

Marill

The year is 1999. Leaked screenshots of a blue Pokémon can be found all over the internet and tales of it spread to schoolyards around the world. Marill, the Pokémon pictured, is excited! It wasn’t sure if it’d be accepted after the unprecedented success of the first 150 Pokémon, but people already love it! It sneaks into the back of an elementary school class to hear the good word of mouth about itself.

“I can’t wait to catch Pikablu!” says nearly every child in the classroom. Marill’s blood turns cold. Marill tries to stop the rumors, but it’s too late. By 2001, the excitement is long gone. Children spot Marill and greet him with scorn. “Oh, that was all just a rumor. Marill sucks.”

To this day Marill can take a blast of Thunder right to its face because no pain can match the blow to its self-confidence that it received during that horrific time.

Shuckle

Here he comes, rougher than the rest of them. The best of them, tougher than leather. You can call him Shuckle, unlike Squirtle, he doesn’t chuckle. He gets on the dance floor and shuffles.

Being a Shuckle is hard, man. Look at those little legs.

Jirachi

Wish granting. It’s an ability with limitless potential, but Jirachi does not grant wishes for itself. No, it must grant wishes for others. That means it has to put up with adults desperately wishing their parents didn’t throw away their old Pokémon cards because they swear they had a 1999 First Edition Mint Charizard Holo that they could use to finally pay off their crippling student debt. Please, oh please Jirachi make my wish come true.

Putting up with that takes a mind of steel.

Rotom Pokédex

The internet is filled with “Who’s the strongest of X franchise?” debates. In those debates, people discuss strength, speed, defenses, and more. What they fail to consider is that the most powerful force is often information. You can’t beat someone who knows your every weakness. You can’t run from someone who knows your past.

Rotom Pokédex is living information. The moment it sees you, it knows you. What does it know? What sins can it see? Maybe forfeiting the fight is better than the possibility of your dark past being revealed to the world.

Ash’s Pikachu

All Ash’s Pikachu wants is to grow, but he can’t. It would hurt the brand. Kids love Pikachu! He can’t evolve!

“Please!” Pikachu begs. “I don’t want to evolve but please let me grow! If you won’t, I’m leaving!”

The Pokémon Company looks down on him and shakes their heads.

“Sure, Pikachu,” they say. “You can leave, but you know, our profits would go way down and we’d have to lay off half the staff. You don’t want that to happen, right? Sonia’s got five kids at home. What will they think when she tells them she lost her job because of Pikachu?”

So Pikachu carries on, the weight of responsibility on its shoulders every day.

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The post 15 Strongest Pokémon… Emotionally appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2UHUYyD

[fluffshisuga]

Hugs (Tsukishima x reader)

I had a dream last night that Tsukki got mad that i didn't hug him this morning i felt bad🥺

Warnings? Angst in the middle, the rest is just awkward fluff because Tsukki is a tsundere bitch honestly.

1) I SAUD ANGST IN THE MIDDLE BUT ITS REALLY ANGST UNTIL THE END?????? I'M CONFUSED

Jkjk i love him ~_~

Every day, since the beginning of Middle School, you'd walk with Tsukishima and Yamaguchi to school. And every morning, you'd give Tsukishima a light hug, showing your appreciation for the tall Boy walking with you and Yams, who was constantly bullied. You'd try on multiple occasions to stop the bullies, but because you were small as well they'd push you to the ground and leave you. Tsukishima helped stop the bullying, and the two of you were grateful for his help.

You knew Tsukishima had an older brother. He'd talk about how he'd be playing volleyball and how he was the ace. He was always excited to talk about his brother, and he was generally excited to play volleyball. That's when he and Yamaguchi joined the small volleyball team for the younger kids. You'd sit, watching the boys play. They enjoyed it immensely. One day, the boys got into a fight with another kid, who claimed his big brother was the ace of the same team and Tsukishima's brother. They quarreled for a few minutes before you were able to separate them. That day, Tsukishima decided to sneak to his brother's game and see him play.

Yamaguchi and yourself went with him. You wanted to meet his brother and see how the older kids played. During the game, Tsukishima never saw his brother in the court. Confused, he started to look around. You saw him look around, and thought you'd look for a boy that looked similar to Tsukishima, hopefully finding his brother. If he wasn't on the court playing the game, where was he? Was he injured, and couldn't play? Or did be oversleep? The thoughts ran through your head as your gaze met the other side of the room. Right across from you was an older boy who looked like your friend, and he seemed to be cheering for the same team Tsukishima's brother was part of. You turned to Tsukishima, about to point the older boy out when you saw the colour drain from his face.

Following his gaze you saw him looking at the other boy, the one you wanted to show Tsukishima. They both looked horrified. "Tsukki is that-" you were cut off by Tsukishima grabbing you and Yamaguchi and dragging you away. That's when you realized the unsettling truth. His brother wasn't actually the ace, he wasn't even playing the game. He had lied, and made it look like he was still playing when he actually wasn't. You knew it crushed Tsukishima, and you didn't know how to make him feel better.

When he finally stopped, he let go if both of your sleeves, Yamaguchi looking around confused. You stared back at the gym, the shock still resting in you. After a few moments, it hit you even harder. Tsukishima was lied to, and found out in the worst way possible. He was having the hardest time, you knew. You had to think of a way to help him.

Slowly walking towards the tall boy, you wrapped your arms around him in a tight hug. It was all you could do to hide the tears forming in your own eyes. He never hugged back. Not with your light hugs, and not with this hug. The hug that showed him you cared and wanted to help him.

After that day Tsukishima became cold and distant. You still gave him morning hugs, but they were even lighter than before. You were scared that he was getting tired of you, that your efforts were meaningless. You continued this tradition all the way to High School. The boys decided to join Karasuno, and you joined them.

You never knew why he kept playing. He didn't enjoy volleyball anymore, almost like he played it in spite of himself. You were worried for him. Every morning, you'd still give him a light hug, and the three of you would stop for breakfast before school. This was your routine. None of you were ever late and you always showed up together.

Until your parents went in a business trip, leaving you home alone. They had been gone for two months, and each call told you they would be later each time. At first, it didn't bother you. You could take care of yourself, and were still getting good grades in school. But you started lacking.

One Monday, you never showed up to the corner with the boys. They had waited for over half an hour, to which you never showed. They figured that you were already at the school and went ahead. They walked for 10 minutes when they heard hurried footsteps quickly approaching behind them. "Wait for me!" Your voice rang, breathless. The boys turned and watched as you ran to them, stopping to take many hurried breaths. Your uniform was messed up, along with your hair. You had one shoe on and the other in your hand. Your face was flushed red and sweat formed on your brow.

Taking a final deep breath, you stood to straight, and started walking towards the school. "What happened to you?" Yamaguchi asked, eyes filled with worry. Still taking breaths, you made a sentence. "I- uH, slept in late- just woke up- 5 minutes ago!" You were able to put your shoe on, and started trying to fix your skirt. You had just made it to the school, still breathing heavily while the two boys looked down at your figure with concern. Walking into your class, you found it empty.

"WE HAD A FREE PERIOD?" You yelled, pulling at your hair in frustration. The boys laughed at your frustration, and you spun around and smacked them both on the arm. "There's time for breakfast now, let's go get something," Yamaguchi suggested, looking at Tsukishima. He nodded and they started to walk out. "You guys go ahead, I'm not very hungry anyway." You said, plopping down into a seat. "Are you sure?" Yamaguchi asked. You nodded and waved them off, dropping your head onto the desk.

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima walked down the hall to where there was food. A weird look was in Tsukishima's eyes as they walked, a look Yamaguchi had never seen. "What's up?" He asked, looking up at his friend. Through his glasses, Tsukishima glanced at Yamaguchi. "Nothing," he stated plainly, fixing his glasses. You had always joined them for breakfast, and you were never late. You were actually strange today, not to mention you didn't give him your signature hug that morning. That was what drove him to confusion. You'd never forget to hug him, no matter his attitude or your situation.

That day, you didn't eat lunch either. You sat with them as they ate. Yamaguchi constantly offered you food, but you shook your head, claiming you weren't hungry. When classes finished, the three of you left the school and walked to the corner that you'd always meet up at. You said your goodbyes and started walking to your house. Closing the door, you placed your bag down and flopped onto the couch, sighing. You made yourself a small plate of dinner and ate, going upstairs to take a hot shower.

This process went on for a week. Each day, you'd sleep in, skip breakfast and lunch, eat a small dinner and take a shower. And each morning, you forgot the hugs. Once the weekend had hit, you found yourself staring at your ceiling. You got a call from your parents last night saying that they were going to come home even later than before, making them gone for almost a year.

Saturday, you lazed about. You studied, laid in bed, clean the house, then cook a small dinner and take a shower. You never checked your phone.

That night you were laying in bed, the lights on and light music playing from the radio sitting on your side table. You didn't hear the door open, or your name being called from downstairs. You didn't even notice your bedroom door open, a tall figure standing in the doorway. You were completely zoned out staring at the ceiling.

Something fell onto your face. Panicking, you sat up and looked around. "Glad i wasn't an intruder or anything," Tsukishima said, holding another pillow in his hand. "How'd you get in?" You asked, slowly getting out of bed. Tsukishima shrugged, "you left the door unlocked. I texted you to tell you i was on the way, but you haven't looked at it so you wouldn't know." He stated. You nodded your head slowly, sitting on the edge of your bed. He walked over and sat next to you.

"What's been bothering you?" He asked. You gasped lightly. "Nothing is wrong? I'm fine!" You said, laughing. He knew you were lying. "Did you eat today?" You nodded, looking at the discarded dinner plate on the ground. Tsukishima raised an eyebrow. "Dinner? Did you eat anything else?" You shook your head, looking down at your feet. Tsukishima sighed, scooting closer to you. "What's wrong then?" He asked again, closer to your face. You shook your head and avoided Eye contact. "I'm just not that hungry. Honest!"

Your tone told him to drip it, and he did. You sat in silence for a few minutes. "It's been a week since you hugged me you know," he stated coldly. A shiver went up your spine. He noticed. Has he always expected a hug from you every morning, and was being late messing it up? "I- i thought you didn't like me hugging you." You said, looking up at the tall boy. He shook his head, a smirk on his lips. "It's comforting." He said plainly, looking off at your things.

An object caught his eye. A medium sized statue of a dinosaur stood on your desk. He sat up and walked towards it, examining it. "What's this?" He asked, looking back at you. "It was going to be your birthday present." You said, standing up and walking towards him. He looked at the dinosaur again. "You can have it now if you want. It's not much of a surprise now that you've seen it. I'll buy another cool one for you." You said, gesturing to the dino. He kept holding it, "I'll take it now if you start eating more food and getting up on time." A light blush made its way to your cheeks. (Y'ALL here comes the fluff that we want) Nodding, he took the dinosaur and placed it into his bag. "I'll text you tomorrow, make sure you texted back this time, dummy."

On Sunday, he texted you, and consistently texted you throughout the day making sure you were taking care of yourself. He sent you a picture of your gift, standing among the other dinosaurs he had collected. Most of them came from you. Monday morning, he called you to make sure you got up. He stayed on the phone until you were in view speed walking towards the corner. You put your phone away and started to run, jumping as you did.

You gave Tsukishima a tight hug, the same hug you'd given him all those years ago. This time, he returned it. And he returned every hug from then on out. He made sure you took care of yourself, and always talked to you.

Eventually, he asked you out, and you dated for years. You still gave him a hug every morning, and on your wedding day, you gave each other the tightest hug you could muster.

[13-reasons-ideas]

Can’t Go Back Part 5

A few hours later, Dr. Marcus came out and let us know the surgery was successful. “Depending on how his body reacts to coming off the anaesthesia, you may be able to go home tonight. I’ll send him home with a prescription for pain medication. He will be in recovery for a while, but you can see him after he is back in his room.”

“That sounds great. Thank you, doctor.”

Scott and I sat and talked while we waited. He had refused to go to school or leave my side while Monty was in surgery or recovery. I sent him home when Monty was out of recovery and we knew everything was okay. Dr. Marcus called me into his room again to discuss things.

“Everything went well and I am confident you will make a full recovery if you stick to our recovery plan.”

“That’s great news. What is the plan exactly?” Monty asked.

“You will need to take it easy for the next little while. It's important to keep your leg elevated, apply ice to your knee and rest as much as possible. I would like you to be on crutches for anywhere from one to two weeks, if you have discomfort after two weeks, continue with crutches on and off for about two more weeks. Or until your discomfort has lessened. Around two to four weeks you can try to begin bearing weight on your leg but do not go too hard too fast. It’s about baby steps. You will also begin physical therapy around this time. Your therapist will recommend multiple times a week in the beginning to try and get as much range of motion back as possible. With continued therapy and care, I see no reason as to why you would be unable to return to playing sports in the time you would like. But that is only if you are careful and not ignoring what you are supposed to be doing.” “So in other words, my life will be PT and maybe walking at some point, for the next four to nine months?”

“Essentially, yes. I recommend ibuprofen or an anti-inflammatory for the pain, in addition to the icing schedule we discussed last night. Additionally, I understand you are newlyweds, but physical intimacy is going to have to take a backseat to healing.”

I squeezed Monty’s hand. I think that is the part he is going to take the most issue with. He looked at the doctor with sad eyes. It’s not like you’ll die of no sex dearest husband.

“I understand that may not be the best news, I was a newlywed once too. But once you have range of motion and can bear weight on your leg, we can discuss clearing you for that as well. I see no reason that it would be a four to six months before clearance item. Plus, do you really want to be the guy who re-tore his ACL having sex?”

Monty smirked. “No. You do not. It sounds cool, but it’s really not. Your friends will laugh at you.”

“Coach Kerba would kill you. Besides, we have the rest of our lives for that.” I added.

“I guess that’s fair.” He grumbled.

After some practice with the crutches, he was cleared to go home. I wasn’t really in the mood to cook anything, so I ordered us pizza when we got home, and Monty was situated on the couch with his leg elevated on a few pillows on the coffee table. I had a feeling he was going to make good on his vow to “annoy me for the rest of my life” in the coming weeks. I went to our room to change into pyjamas and put my wedding set on while we waited for the pizza to arrive.

It arrived shortly after and he made a face at my vegetable pizza, “don’t worry. I got you pepperoni. You don’t have to eat vegetables today.”

“Good.” He smiled and I plopped myself down on the couch. After arguing about what to watch for a while, we settled on a rerun of Law & Order: SVU. This one seemed less intense as some of the other episodes.

“So, everyone knows now.” I said, placing my fork down after finishing a slice of pizza.

“Yeah, they do. I still don’t understand why you eat pizza with a fork by the way.”

“You said you would stop giving me crap about it you jerk. And it’s only certain kinds when they’re hot. This one just happens to be one of them.” I laughed, poking his arm.

“Hey, I’m injured.” He protested; feigning being affronted.

“Your leg is injured. Your arm is fine.”

“Whatever.”

“Does this mean I can wear my set to school now?” I asked, pondering the idea as I twisted my engagement ring around.

“I was going to wear my ring, so I don’t see why you couldn’t wear yours.”

“Okay.” I kissed his cheek and cleared the dishes into the dishwasher. We spent the rest of the evening cuddled on the couch, arguing playfully about what to watch when one show ended.

I woke up the following morning wrapped in Monty’s arms. I don’t think I will ever get tired of this. I watched him sleep, snoring softly for a few minutes before our alarm went off. “hhuummggg.” Monty groaned.

“Babe, it’s time to wake up.”

“Nooo. Sleep.”

“I know but we need to go to school.”

“No.”

I sighed, “fine, I’ll tell you what. I’m going to go brush my teeth and make coffee. By the time I’m back in here, I would like you to at least be sitting up. Preferably, you would have pants on.”

“Mhmm. Yes dear.”

Shaking my head and throwing back the covers, I got up and went about my business. I decided to give him a couple more minutes to get himself up so I got dressed and grabbed a slice of pizza for each of us for lunch. When I got back in our room to check his progress, he was still snuggled up under the covers. “Montgomery. You need to get up.”

He let out a long sigh, “fine. If I have to.”

“You do. I’m not facing the music on my own. Leftover pizza okay for lunch?”

“Yeah that’s fine.” He grumbled, sleepily. I’m not entirely sure he knows what I asked him.

“Do you want an Advil?”

“No, I think I’m good for now. Thanks, though babe.” I watched him sit up and begin to get himself ready. I knew it was going to take him longer than usual, which is why I insisted he get up now. Once he had some coffee and toast in his system, he was a lot more personable. Before we left for school, I made sure to put on my wedding set. It felt odd to wear it in public, but also incredibly satisfying.

I drove us to school early to meet Scott and Justin for some moral support. “He let you drive the Jeep?” Scott asked as soon as I had parked, and we were out of the car.

“Well considering he physically can’t drive right now and the fact that if it gets in an accident, it’s also my problem, yes. He let me drive.”

“Even still. I’m surprised. How’re you feeling, man?”

“Eh, it hurts but it’s not like I can’t manage it.”

“Do you want an Advil?” I asked quickly.

“No Addy. I’m fine. And I can administer my own medication, I am an adult after all.”

“I know. I just don’t know how else to help is all.”

“I know. You make good coffee though. That helps.”

“Right, right. Coffee. That’s why you married her.” Justin laughed.

“Well if you really want to know why I married her….” Monty teased.

“La la la la la. I’m not listening.” Justin exclaimed, covering his ears.

It was still early, but we decided to make our way inside to our lockers anyway. The few people in the halls stopped to watch us with curious eyes. I was nervous to make eye contact with any of them, so I kept my head down. We were almost at my locker when a student got up the nerve to stop us and say something. I think his name was David or something. I recognized him from my ninth grade French class. “Hey. I was at the game and saw that hit. I’m sorry you got hurt.” He said to Monty. He blinked in surprise, none of our group expecting that kind of response. The kid turned his attention to me, and Monty moved in front of me slightly. “Use your wifely influence to make sure he’s on the sidelines at every game. Maybe then he can talk some sense into the team.” He looked down at my left hand, briefly examining my ring. “Good choice. See you guys around.” He nodded and waved as he walked away. The students around us stood silently. We were all stunned. After we broke out of our shock and shared amazed looks, the four of us made our ways to our lockers. Chatter had resumed once again but grew eerily silent as I gathered my books. They’re here.

Justin spoke up when he noticed my friends approaching, “she’s had a long couple of days guys.” Monty sucked in a breath, likely preparing to tell them to fuck off.

“We just want to talk to her.” Clay told Justin. They still hadn’t acknowledged me or Monty.

“I think you said enough the other night Clay.”

“Addison?” Alex prompted.

“Hmm?” I responded.

“Can we talk? Alone?”

“Depends. I’m pretty sure whatever you want to say to me can be said in front of them.”

“We’d really rather not….”

“I’m not sure if you realize this, but I’m injured. I can’t even stand up on my own. It’s not like I can hurt you or anything.”

“Still.”

“Fine. But just know that I’m going to tell him what you say anyway.”

“That’s fine.” Jessica said.

The boys took that as their cue to leave, but not before Monty leaned down to kiss me softly. “I’ll see you at lunch.” He muttered against my lips. I nodded. My friends looked uncomfortable and I heard Scott talking to Monty as they walked away.

“You smug bastard.”

I hadn’t noticed that Justin stayed behind until I felt his hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump. I was too focused on the impending explosions from my friends. Before they began, Tyler came up to our tense little group. Great. “Hey guys. Hey Addison.”

“Hi Tyler.” I greeted. “How are you?”

“I’m alright. How are you doing?”

“I’m alright.” My friends watched our exchange with their breath held. This is so awkward. Will somebody please mention the elephant in the hallway?

“You guys really did it?”

“Got married?” He nodded. Thank you. “Yeah. It’s all legal. New last name and everything. Publicly at least. Still waiting on all of the changes to be processed everywhere. Some places take longer than others.”

“Huh. Explains why he’s been so mellow lately.”

“You haven’t experienced getting him out of bed in the morning. But yes, for the most part he is pretty mellowed out.”

“Interesting. I have to go meet Mack in the dark room. Bye guys.”

“Bye Tyler.” We all said. There was an awkward pause.

“Did… that really just happen?” Clay asked.

“I think so?” Jessica replied.

“Maybe he realizes he doesn’t have a say in who I spend the rest of my life with.” I muttered.

“Well he’s not exactly your best friend in the world Addy.” Alex said. I shrugged and saw Zach coming towards us. Hopefully he takes this okay.

“You got freaking married and didn’t tell anyone?” He asked, immediately after arriving at my locker.

“She told me.” Justin offered. I shot him a glare. Thanks for the help dipwad.

“Yeah.” I said, lamely. It’s not like I could deny it at this point.

“Why? I mean, he’s Monty.”

“Thanks Zach. I hadn’t noticed the identity of my husband.” I replied.

“That’s not what I meant. I mean, you married Monty Addison.”

“And your point is, what exactly?”

“He’s nothing like you.” Clay said.

“Which brings me back to, your point is…?”

“He isn’t the relationship and marriage type.”

“Well, evidently, he is. I have the diamond and the paperwork to prove it,” showing them my ring to prove my point. I was slowly growing tired of their loosely veiled distaste for my choice.

“He’s an asshole to like everyone. He doesn’t like any- did he pick that?” Jess stated.

“Yeah, he did. I was there. He saw it and knew it was the one.” Justin replied.

“It’s so… nice. And big.”

“Thank you? And it’s not that big. Its only point seven five carats. He said she said something about the setting making it look bigger than it actually is.”

“Wow. I didn’t have him pegged as a guy who knew diamonds.”

“I don’t think he did. But he knows how to pick ‘em.”

“I’ll say. Anyway, as I was saying. He’s an ass. To everybody. All the time.”

“Not to me.”

“Well you’re apparently married to him.” Clay grumbled, haughtily.

“Even before we got together, he wasn’t an ass to me. We weren’t friends by any means, but he wasn’t really that much of an ass.”

“Lucky you.”

“Clay, lay-” Justin started.

“Okay. If you’re just going to be a dick about this, then we don’t need to have this conversation Clay.” My friends blinked at me in shock. Clay looked at me harshly for a second before coming to his senses and looking at me like a dog with his tail between his legs.

“I’m sorry Addison. This is just kind of a big shock. You got married and didn’t tell any of us. Yes Justin, we know you knew.”

“I told you not to be an ass to her about this the other night. I told you she wouldn’t take any of your crap.”

“How did this all happen?”

“It’s a long story.”

“When did this all happen?”

“One of Bryce’s parties in tenth grade….” I trailed off.

“You’ve been together for almost two years and never said anything to us?

“Yes?”

“Don’t ever let us tell you you cant keep a secret again.” Zach said.

“I still don’t understand why Addison?” Alex asked, trying to be civil but I could hear the undercurrent of anger in his tone.

“I can’t really explain why I chose him Alex. Sometimes there is no explanation. I didn’t start dating him at sixteen like ‘I’m going to marry this guy.’ It was just fun in the beginning. The forbidden-ness of it all was thrilling. And then the longer it went on, I started to think that maybe this was right for me. For us.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I mean, I wanted to. Until we told Justin I had every intention of telling you. But then I was hit with a reality check. Realistically, Justin only took it as well as he did because I’m his best friend. I knew you guys would be mad and freak out, just like you are now. Don’t even try to deny it. You would have.”

“Even still. We would have been mad, but we would have come around Addy.” Clay said.

“Really? It took like eight years for you to like Justin and he literally had to live with you for that to happen. You expect me to believe that you would have been okay with me dating Monty?”

“Maybe…?” He squeaked.

“Exactly. So it was just easier not telling you guys. Or anyone aside from our parents and select people.”

“You told his parents?”

“Yup.” I said, checking my watch. “But that is a story for another day, I’m afraid. I have to get to class.”

“It better be a story for another day. I want to hear how that went.” Alex said, excited by the prospect of that story. That wasn’t the exciting one yet, bud.

“So does this mean things are okay for now?” My friends nodded.

“Yeah. I take it you’re sitting with him at lunch?”

“Yeah.”

“We will see you around Mrs. de la Cruz.” Zach smirked. I rolled my eyes at him.

“Not my mother-in-law. Addy is fine.” With that, Justin and I walked away. It wasn’t the best conversation and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but it was better than I think any of us were anticipating.

People stared at me in class and I heard a couple of comments that weren’t worth repeating about various aspects of our relationship, but it could have been a much worse few hours. When I arrived in the cafeteria and made my way over to where Monty and the rest of the team had congregated, I could tell something was up. Monty was sitting, his leg elevated on the seat across from him, wearing a very displeased look on his face. The group looked up at me and back to him.

“What?” I asked.

“I think he grabbed your lunch by mistake.” Charlie chuckled.

“What are you talking about?” I asked again as I sat down and pulled out what I thought was my lunch. When I opened it and saw a slice of pepperoni, I understood what the problem was. “Oh, I see. I’ll trade you if I can have your fruit snacks.”

“You don’t like fruit snacks. And technically they’re our fruit snacks.”

“Exactly why I said your fruit snacks. You hide them in the cart and think I don’t notice until I make lunch. Here.” I said as we traded lunches. I smiled as a pulled out my leftovers.

“What is that?” Garrison asked, staring at the slice.

“Vegetable pizza.”

“And he looked like you tried to feed him wet dog food because, why exactly?”

I turned to Monty, “would you like to explain why you don’t like it? Or shall I?”

“No. It’s fine. I just don’t like it.”

I laughed out loud at his response, “it’s because it has vegetables on it. He doesn’t like vegetables.”

“I like vegetables. Sometimes.”

“It wouldn’t kill you to eat them once in a while, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” He sighed and chucked a fruit snack at me. I turned to his friends.

“I married a nineteen-year-old child.”

“Yes. Yes you did.”

His teammates and I chatted for a while pleasantly until Bryce showed up. They seemed to take a very quick liking to me. “Hey guys. Addison.”

“Walker.” I replied as the kids around table chimed in heys of varying tone.

“So, it really wasn’t Justin. Didn’t think you would let Monty here get within ten feet of you by yourself, let alone be close enough to have-.”

I squeezed Monty’s hand tightly to keep him in check and he winced. Michael opened his mouth to step in, but I beat him to it, “wasn’t your business then. Not your business now. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re only so interested in my sex life because you wish it was you.”

Garrison choked on his water and coughed while the other boys around him watched our interaction with various looks of shock and amusement on their faces. “Interested in sex… with you?”

“You heard me.”

“I’d think long and hard about your next comment Bryce.” Monty told him, darkly.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m your brother.”

“And she’s my wife.”

“Dude what about bros before-.”

Once again, he was cut off, this time by Charlie. “Are you that fucking dumb? Are you trying to get your ass kicked?” Bryce simply looked at him, his head tilted slightly.

“He can’t do anything to me. His leg is screwed. Sorry you got hurt by the way.”

“Awe Scotty. He thought I meant Monty. Isn’t that sweet?”

“The sweetest.” Scott replied, holding his hand to his heart.

“No. I don’t mean him. I meant her.”

Bryce looked at me, sitting sweetly slowly eating my granola bar. “Uh huh. Her. Right.” My gaze turned dark and my brow arched, threateningly.

“Try me. I may be small, but that just makes it easier for me to hit you where it hurts.”

He gulped. “O-okay. Sorry. Comments will be kept to myself.”

Monty turned his attention to me and smiled lovingly. I smiled brightly back at him and watched as he picked up one of Michael’s grapes and chucked it at me. I barely had time to move to catch it in my mouth to avoid being hit in the eye. “Why you little….”

“You love me.”

“I do.” I sighed, dreamily. While I had him caught off guard, I threw his fruit snack back at him. I hit his head and landed in his lap. He turned and looked at me, a look of fake shock and anger on his face.

“And she calls him a child.” Garrison muttered.

“You should see them when they try to decide on a movie or tv show to watch. It’s literally like watching five-year-old kids argue over their favourite toy.” Scott muttered back.

“Or when she tries to get him out of bed in the mornings. She has to literally bribe him sometimes. Calls me other times to physically remove him from the bed.” Charlie added.

“Almost called you this morning actually.” I said.

“I wasn’t that bad. And you were asking a lot of me Addy.”

“Montgomery. I asked you to sit up and put pants on.”

“I had surgery on my leg Addison.”

“And yet, you had no issue putting pants on when we left the hospital darling.”

“That was different.”

“How?”

“It wasn’t the morning then.”

I looked at his friends, a dumbstruck look on my face. “Everyday. The only time he didn’t object to getting up was the one day on our honeymoon I wanted to sleep in.”

“I was promised Curio Coffee waffles. The way you and your parents raved about them, I assumed they were something special. They were by the way.”

“I said nothing about waffles at five in the morning on a Saturday.” Monty grumbled unintelligibly in response as the bell rang.

“Fuck. If I knew lunch with you two was going to be this entertaining, I would have made you tell people a long time ago.” Scott laughed.

“You’ve been keeping a gem from us Monty. You’re welcome to sit and share stories anytime Addy.” Garrison told me.

[mrssnider13]

Jason’s 40th Birthday

Jason and I have known each other since 1997-1998.

We dated on and off for several years and for several reasons.

In 2002 we both got involved with other people and we both ended up being parents in 2003 to Jason to Jason Jr and me to my son, Brison.

Jason and I reconnect on and off again over the next two years.

In Jan of 2007 I moved to KY and got married. I thought about Jason all the time. It never failed that every time I would come home to Ohio I would run into him at Walmart or the gas station. My 1st marriage was rough and we eventually separated in 2010 and in August of 2011 I moved back home to Ohio. It was that November that Jason got out of rehab and we connected on messenger. I was getting moved into my new apt and I asked Jason to help me move.... He moved in with me very soon after.

The first three years of our relationship were HARD to say the least! Jason worked so hard on his program and recovery, and working a job with anyone that would take him on, meetings, service/volunteer work, probation, court dates, license classes, restitution,  court and probation fees and so much more.

Were we ready to be in a relationship? NO! But God knew we had what it would take and we knew we couldn’t do it without God. God’s plans were so much bigger than ours!

In 2012 while pregnant with Olivia we almost called it quits. But thankfully we had family and friends that believed in us and encouraged us to persevere.

We have been tested beyond comprehension. On February 14th 2012 Jason went to probation and received a failed drug test. Our hearts sank but our spirits stood strong! We knew better and we prayed that God would reveal the truth. And a few LONG days later He did! After sending the test off to the lab they confirmed it was a clean test.

In March of 2013 we got married and 3 days later we had Olivia. Just a month later in April of 2013 God blessed Jason with his contracted job through P&G. This was HUGE for us! It was an affirmation from God. We were amazed.

In March of 2014 we were faced with another pregnancy. I was so scared and I didn’t want to be pregnant. We were in no financial situation to support a larger family and we lived in a 600 sq. ft. apartment. 12 weeks later I started bleeding and went to the doctor. It was then that we found out that we were pregnant with twins. Speaking for myself (and I’m sure Jason as well) I was terrified. I feared that I wouldn’t even carry them to term let alone deliver them and be able to provide for them.

We immediately starting looking for a bigger place to live but were faced with the limitations of finances. We prayed and searched and God again opened another door for us. We were blessed to find a 3 bedroom home to rent south of Hillsboro. We moved in November 1st 2014 and on Dec 26th we had the twins a month early. Happy, healthy and beautiful. Then we came home to our water being turn off. That was fun. But it was just a misunderstanding and things were fixed the next day.

Life was a challenge at this point. Money, sanity, sleep, faith, endurance, trust. Definitly one day at a time.

May 5th 2015 we were faced again with another test of faith. In a freak accident Jason severely injured, Izabelle, our 4 month old twin. She was air cared to Children’s hospital with a fractured skull and bleeding on her brain. CPS met us that the ICU waiting room. Jason was beside him self, worried sick about his baby girl and not caring about what was about to happen to him. The interrogation was intense and all I wanted to do was be with my daughter at the moment. CPS just wanted the truth and the truth sounded far fetched. By the grace of God Izzy spent 3 days in ICU and was moved to a regular room for 2 days and got to come home. Jason on the other hand faced the judge. I thank God every day that the truth was again revealed and Jason only received 12 weeks of anger management. It could have been so much worse. But what was so incredibly hard was that for 12 weeks Jason couldn’t live with us and he could only see us in public or supervised visitations. That was a LONG 3 months!!! Thankfully we had family and friends to help me with the girls but I would have much rather had my husband. God knew what Jason needed and we trusted that. We were SO GLAD to have him home!

Life seemed good for awhile. Then in the summer of 2016 we faced another trial that turned our world upside down. All we could do is trust God and be still. Pray and trust and only move when God lead us to. We recovered the best we could and somewhat moved on.

Then the tides started to change a little. We were blessed in 2016 with the opportunity to buy the home we were renting. We bought our first home yall!   4-5 years prior..... that seemed unimaginable, let alone possible.

Once again life settled for a minute and after 2 years of Jason begging and much needed prayer on my end we decided to try for another baby. Jason hoped for a boy. I hoped for just one LOL. In Sept 2017 I got pregnant with our 6th. In Nov (just two months later) God revealed to us yet more affirmation! He had blessed Jason with a position at P&G as a P&G employee and not just a contracted worker. Once again we were elated and blessed beyond what we deserved. Then in May 2018 we were blessed again with ONE chubby baby GIRL!

We have had our ups and downs like everyone but for the most part life was GREAT! We worked hard, played hard and lived well. For about a year... Then the trails came 3 at a time. In 2019 I lost my mamaw in April, Jason lost one of his best friends in May and then we all lost Jason’s mom in June. Why God, crossed my mind multiple times a day. To say that I was worried about Jason in the midst of my own heartache would be an understatement. I had to let go and let God have him and I knew it. There was nothing I could but be there. Jason was so strong! He gave the eulogy at both my mamaw and his mom’s funeral. Neither one could have been done any better or anymore heart felt and passionate.

Jason inherited his mom’s place and we picked up our kiddos and moved. There was a lot of transitions, change and adjusting for all of us. The girls had a very hard time with all the grief and loss but received group counseling that changed their lives for the better. It wasn’t until a year later that our other home sold. As much as it hurt, so much of all of it is a blur. 

And yet, here we are today....... It’s hard for me to even wrap my mind around all that we’ve been through and all that God has helped us overcome.

I told you all some of our story to tell you this.....

Yes, we have suffered, but there is no one else that I would have rather suffered with than my husband, Jason. Yes, we have lost much. Yes, we have failed ourselves, failed each other and others. Yes, we have been hurt and lost....... but....... here we stand, still together and even stronger and closer than before. ONLY by the grace of God. We suffer for the glory of God, for the deepening of our faith in Him and for the testimony to share God’s love and hope with others.

I thank God for Jason. He’s a great man of God, he has a servant’s heart, he’s a hard worker and he provides for his family - not only what we need but then some. He loves his kids in a way I can’t even describe. His love is unconditional and intentional for sure. He leaves me with no doubts that he loves me faithfully. On this earth he is my rock and my refuge. He is a gift from God sent just for me. I love and cherish him with everything I have and I often wish I could be and give more to him.  

But before I get too mushy I just want to say Thank you to everyone in our lives that have helped sustain us through the bad times and celebrated with us in the good times.

Jason, I hope you feel all the love being given to you this day. You deserve it and so much more. I love you! Happy Birthday!

[autist-tips]

Autistic tip #2

I know that a lot of autistics and other nuerodivergent people have trouble remembering to care for themselves, or have difficulting doing it because of sensory issues or fatigue. Here are some tips to help anyone who’s struggling around those problems.

1) Food

This tends to be a big problem area for a lot of people. I’ve gone through most of the common issues here and this is what I’ve learned:

-You do NOT have to eat three (3) meals a day

Eating three (3) big meals can make you feel sick if you have digestive issues or if you just don’t like eating in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with snacking throughout the day or eating more frequent, smaller meals. As long as you eat enough, you’re doing it right.

If you’re in school and there’s a rule against eating in class, eat before school, during transitions, and after. If you get blessed with a teacher that understands your situation and will let you have food in class, take advantage of that opportunity.

-Find something you like that has some nutritional value

This can be pretty much anything: cereals, nuts, fruits/vegetables, granola bars, smoothies etc. Try your best to meet all of your dietary needs with food, but if you can’t there’s no shame in taking supplements and/or vitamins.

The reason why I say foods that you ‘like’ and not foods that you can ‘tolerate’ is because eating something that makes you uncomfortable will stress you out. Unless you absolutely have to, don’t do that to yourself.

-Keep food beside your bed

If you’re bedridden for whatever reason, make sure you have food where you can reach it so you don’t go hungry.

2) Hydration

There are a lot of ways to stay hydrated that people tend to not think of. For example:

-Eat your water

If you can, eating fruits and veggies is a great way to stay hydrated. You can eat them raw, cook them, put them into a fruit salad, etc. You’ll also be getting something healthy to eat when you do this!

-Drink milk or smoothies with yogurt

Milk has calcium and other important things in it and tastes better than water. If you don’t like it cold, warm it up.

Smoothies are an alternative to eating fruits/veggies if you can’t stand the texture. You can also add ice to them to give them a thicker consistency. Adding yogurt to a smoothie can get rid of the grainy feeling of crushed ice/food particles and make the drink smoother.

You can drink fruit juices, but try to keep them in moderation. Drinking sugar is bad for you and can lead to diabetes down the road if you’re not careful.

-Find ways to make water bearable.

At the end of the day, water is the healthiest thing to drink. Do your best to get at least four (4) cups of actual water a day.

Finding a way to make it easier to drink isn’t as hard as it seems. Try adjusting the temperature and what you drink it out of. Sometimes straws make it easier to drink. Try adding a bit of lemon. You can also add sweeteners, but drinking a lot of sugar isn’t good for you, so do your best to avoid that.

If it helps, try sucking on ice cubes instead of drinking water. That’s what I do during the summer, and it works great.

-Keep a water bottle or other drink with you

Having a drink on hand will allow you to be able to drink without needing to get up and get it first. The presence of the cup/bottle can also remind you to drink when you would otherwise completely forget.

3) Hygiene

This is the thing I struggle with most. There are a lot of places where things can go wrong here.

-Showering

If you can shower fine, awesome! But if it’s sensory hell for you, there’s nothing wrong with taking a bath instead. And if bathing is unbearable, try washing yourself with a washcloth and some warm, soapy water. You don’t have to stick to the nuerotypical way of getting clean. Do it however you can.

Don’t feel pressured to clean yourself every day either. You can go multiple days between showers/baths, and your hair only needs to be washed one (1) or two (2) times a week. If you feel a little stinky but don’t want to clean your whole body, just clean under your arms, your crotch, and your face.

-Brushing

I find that toothbrushes made for kids are easier to use than adult ones because the bristles are softer and the brush is smaller. If you can’t use a toothbrush at all, a damp washcloth with toothpaste on it works too.

If mint toothpaste is too intense, try other flavors. I don’t know how many they have for adults, but kid’s toothpaste is fine to use instead. The same goes for mouthwash- there’s no shame in using one that tastes like bubblegum.

If you can, you should floss. But as long as you brush your teeth and use mouthwash it’s not really required.

4) Wounds

I don’t feel when I get injured most of the time, and after I find wounds I tend to forget about them. But sometimes I’m also very oversensitive to pain.

-For those who are undersensitive:

Whenever you change your clothes, take the time to check your skin for injuries. This can save you from many unnecessary infections that happened because you never knew you were hurt. If you notice yourself bump into something, if you get scratched by something, etc, check to make sure you didn’t break skin. Doing this will also remind you of older wounds that you may have forgotten about.

When you do find wounds, take care of them. If you’re severely injured, call 911 or see a doctor. For smaller or less serious wounds, you can take care of them at home.

Stop any bleeding before anything else. Cover the wound with a tissue or clean cloth and press directly on it until it stops bleeding. If it doesn’t stop with just pressure, cooling the skin around the injury with ice/cold water/a cold pack will also help.

Once that’s done, make sure to clean the wound thoroughly. Use warm water to flush them, but don’t use soap. Soap irritates wounds and adds to inflammation. Instead, use neosporin or hydrogen peroxide. Cover the injury with a bandaid or a tissue with some tape to keep it clean throughout the day.

Give a cut a few hours to air out every day, but keep it covered most of the time until there’s a scab. If you’re like me and you pick at scabs, regardless of the reason why, keep your wounds covered until they completely heal. You’ll be less likely to remember it’s there, which will make it less likely that you’ll pull off the scab.

If you find a bruise, especially near organs, watch it to see if it spreads. If it is spreading, call 911, because you could be seriously hurt. Otherwise, it can be left to itself to heal. If you find a bruise that happened at an earlier time and it’s big (meaning about the size of your hand or bigger) but it’s not spreading, call your doctor to be safe.

[gunmetalgrey-trashpile]

medical draaaaaama with @consultingsister

SEVERIN

Severin Moran was supposed to be a doctor. He was supposed to be helping people. Five years of schooling, two years in the army, one treating frontline patients in crisis points to...  being benched behind a desk to run budgets for each department, trying it squeeze pennies here and there just to make ends meet. He got to see a handful of patients, if any. Coming home was supposed to be more than this. He missed A&E more than he could possibly admit, and right now it was weighing on his shoulders more than usual. He used to have full faith in people. In her specifically. Cecelia Holmes was respected, brilliant and a once in a generation surgeon but adjusting the life support of a patient was… grounds for termination. Not to mention her being struck off. 
The pager had practically vibrated off of his desk.

Crash on London Bridge, three casualties, multiple passers by injured. Once dead on the scene. He wore scrubs constantly, just in case for the awful moments like this when he had to sprint down to the first floor and prove himself. The son had made it into triage by the time he arrived, the second and third casualties still under assessment when the daughter began to code. The head of the emergency room should have handled it, but he was closer. He was the official call in this moment. John Watson grabbed the shock cart, more people moving around them to try and support the situation. He ignored the two Sebastian Morans at the emergency room doors, everything else melted into he background.

Third shock, almost twenty full minutes of chest compression and he absolutely refused to call it. He kept going, the muscles in his arms burning but he couldn’t give it up. Long enough for someone to page Cecelia. He didn’t even notice in the fray, he was too focused on the patient. Early twenties, brown matted hair, heavy streaked eyeliner and-

The ringing of the heart monitor and the call of the alarms meant nothing. He had to keep going.

CECELIA

Celia loved a panic. It was sick, she knew but she also knew that almost every doctor on the floor felt the same, whether they admitted it or not. It was a time to prove yourself; it make your heart best like nothing else on the earth. And Cee was riding high. She had been in with of the first casualty; the medics were ready to call it but she met them all the door. While male, thirty-two, glass shards making their way to his heart.

It was almost too easy; she didn’t even need to bring him into surgery.

It was odd to see Celia on the floor in scrubs. It was almost like it’s own alarm bell. Cecelia Holmes has taken off her heels, run for cover. A car crash was also a wonderful distraction from thinking too much about what Sev was going to do. Which weighed more? His love for her or his moral code. Cee used to love that he was a good person, unwavering in it, but now it felt like another roadblock to her success.

She was in between check ups when she got the page. A small gathering at the door, as if there wasn’t anything better to look at. She didn’t need the whispered explanation from Nurse Emma. She could see it in his face, sweat dripping from his forehead. Twenty minutes in. There was nothing left to save. “Clear the room,” she barked. Then her voice softened. “Severin...” her eyes flash to John, then to the two nurses who remained. Down with the ship, she guesses. “Sev.”

A little firmer, she tries again, this time reaching for his shoulder. “Doctor Moran. You have to call time of death. There is nothing you can do now. Step away, take a breath, call it.” She speaks as if it’s easy. “Sev.... you can stop now.” SEVERIN He didn't even hear her barking orders in an emergency room that wasn't hers to control. He simply kept on going. Saying his name wasn't going to pull him away from the job at hand, he had to help people, he had to do... something. Initially he leant backwards at the hand on his shoulder, letting himself be moved so carefully. But he didn't take a breath. He turned to face Cecelia, glassy eyed and hands still shaking with adrenaline. It was his call. And he couldn't save anyone. "Time..." He started out with his voice unsteady, swallowing before he could carry on. He puffed up his chest, his eyes momentarily dropping tot he floor before his brow tightened and all the fury was back in his body again. Severin brushed her hand away roughly, shoving past her to stand next to John. "Time of death 19:57."

He wasn't about to hang around for a lecture she had no right to give. What was she even doing there?

CECELIA

She wasn’t used to being at the receiving end of... what? His bad mood? Sounds a little flat. His hatred? She could hardly bear the thought. He was always sweet with her. Even after the baby, the weeks that bled into months where was cold, dismissive, sometimes outright cruel. He forgave and forgot. It wouldn’t be so simple this time.

She turned back to John but he stopped her, “I’ve got this. Go.”

“I owe you.” She moved quickly from the room. Second sign of an emergency; Cecelia Holmes running. “Doctor Moran.”

It still sounded funny in her mouth to call him doctor. Maybe she still saw him as the kid from her biology class; maybe that was the problem. Cee needed to adapt, needed to see him as a doctor, her boss. Only technically. “Doctor, can I please speak with you? Where are you going?”

SEVERIN

He didn’t stop. He just kept moving, waiting for her to follow him into a completely empty OR, not that he had planned it well. His pager wasn’t going off so he couldn’t claim to be urgently needed elsewhere, his anger and frustration piling on in heaps. He had been so good at staying calm and collected before he came back to work here. With her.

“Don’t.” He didn’t want to see her right now, let alone be forced to listen to stupid justification as to why his saviour complex got in the way of him actually doing his job. “You don’t get to lecture me on life and death, what the hell do you fucking know?”

Severin rallied, rounding on her with those icy eyes that gave away his inner turmoil. He was quiet, despite his rage. Enough so that nothing would carry back to a busy ER.

“You don’t get to speak with me, not now.”

CECELIA

“I know!” Cee wasn’t do adept at keeping her voice down. Sev’s anger was always icy when hers was fire. Hot, unstoppable; people were likely to get burnt. She pressed her lips together, trying to keep it together. “I know that the best thing I could have done for Jennier Ried was let her die on my table. Or, better yet, not have pushed for the surgery at all so she could have died at home, with her family, peacefully. But instead, because of my pride, I kept her alive when it was her time to go. And now she is a fucking vegetable, Sev! With her mother coming in every single fucking day. Losing a child is hard but this...”

She gave a growl of frustration, covering her face and turning away from him. She should tell him it was a mistake; a bad decision made at the end of a long shift. That she was grateful that he stopped her. Even if it was a lie. It was save her career, it would save their relationship.

Cee turned back, closing the space between them. “You weren’t saving that patient. They were gone Sev, you were trying to save yourself. Everyone in that room knew it.”

SEVERIN

"No. No the best thing you could have done was stick to letter of the law.  There are rules Cecelia. You cannot make yourself the arbiter of life and death, although how would you know? It's not like you have ever had that control taken away from you." He snarled. There was hardly two feet between them.

He reached out for her shoulder, pulling her to face him again. No, she didn't get to do this.

"I don't need saving. I am fine, I'm the only sane one here."

Severin pushed her, heading straight for the doors of the OR as if he was ready to head straight back to work.

CECELIA

“You are drowning, Moran.”

She knows because she’s been there herself. She knows because putting him in the position to keep her secrets was as good as shoving him under the water. She moved past him quickly, leaning against the door. He could easily move her, she knew that, but she hoped it would be enough.

“You have been since you came back to London. Fighting with Bash, you’ve been short with interns. I have never seen you like this. I fucked up, I know that! I know I am making your life hard, but please, I can help. This can’t go on, Sev. It’s a race to see who you kill first; yourself or.a patient.”

SEVERIN

“I have to be fine, because I clearly can’t trust anyone. Look at you, I had total faith and you just...”

He stopped dead in his tracks, glaring her down completely. It was hilarious now how many times he could think he had hit breaking point only to realise there was still deeper he could sink to.

“How would you know? You shut me out. You didn’t care when things were at their worst, stop acting like you care now. It’s not going to change my mind, you pretending that there’s a second chance just to save your bloody career. You need to move.”

CECELIA

"Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare." Without meaning to, without even realising she was doing it, she shoved him. He was right that Cecelia didn't like losing control but she was wrong that she never did. "I have never ever cared more than when we lost--" her throat constrict.

"Yes, I shut you out afterwards but that was not because i did not care. I didn't know how to handle how much I cared, Sev. I lost your baby. And I could do nothing, say nothing to bring her back for you. But you left, you picked a war zone over staying with me."

She doesn't want to cry but she can feel the sharp stinging at the corner of her eyes. "I do care now, I cared then and I care now. Fire me, honestly, if that will lift a weight off your shoulders but you know I made good calls, nine out of ten times, I made a good call even if it's not textbook."

SEVERIN

Severin stepped backwards. This was hardly enough to break through to him, even with how much the admission had cost her emotionally. “Really? You put your career first, and always. Clearly above patients. Clearly above us, any chance there was here? It’s gone. Don’t question my calls, don’t undermine me in front of my staff. I am your boss. Remember that.”

He didn’t even want to hear it. “I left to do my god damn job, now step aside.”

CECELIA

"I am willing to lose my job to give a family some peace, Sev. How the hell is that putting my career first?" She knew her argument was weak. What Celia called colouring outside the lines most would call gross negligence. She stands taller against the door, bracing herself.

"No." Her hand wrapped around the door handle and she realised she might even be a little scared of him. Just last week she'd watched him subdue a drink man twice his size in A&E, he could throw her across the room if he wanted to.

SEVERIN

Head shaking, he stepped back again. He moved to the operating table, pressing his palms to it with a deep breath in order to press out some of the anger. He couldn’t do this right now. In a flash, he kicked out tossing a tray across the room in a clattering racket before huffing like an idiot.

His hands moved to his face, his fingers pressing into the flesh with the stress. “I need to get out there before they loose anyone else. Let me go.”

CECELIA

"You have not been paged, I have not been paged. You are not currently in a fit state to look to patients and I have no intention on letting you leave before you have calmed down."

She gripped onto the door handle tighter, trying not to shake. Strike that, she was a lot scared. She had jumped as the tray hit the floor but now moved forward, away from the door, pulling hands hand away from his face and replacing them with her own. "Look at me, look at me Sev. You cannot save everyone. Not everyone lives. Not my patient, not yours. Not the baby. Not Alex. But so many do live. So many people have gone on to live because of what you did for them. Me included Sev. I am only alive today because of you. You saved me. Let me help you, please."

SEVERIN

“What are you going to do for me, huh?” He pulled away again, pacing like a caged animal. He needed to be busy and just... not think.  “How’s putting me in positions were there is no right choice going to help?!”

Severin hadn’t told a soul, and it was the very first time he had disobeyed his own moral code. There was flexibility when it came to the law and high pressure situations but not this.

“I can’t think straight around you. Sam is right, you get in my head. And you just...”

He stopped DEAD IN HIS TRACKS, closing his eyes to breathe in deep through his nose and out through his mouth slowly. “The last thing I want from you right now is whatever your idea of help is.”

CECELIA

“Jessica is brain dead and I am the best surgeon on your staff. You saw me with my hand on the switch, that’s it. There is a right choice.” She almost instantly regretted that. She was right, but it wouldn’t help. Cee moved towards him again.

“Sam is not right. After your punch up with Bash, who did you come see? You said it yourself, you sleep better in my bed. How can you tell me I don’t help?”

It’s a risky move but she stops him, hands back on his face, she kisses him. Hard and urgent, desperate to the through to him. “I love you, i love you. Don’t leave me. I love you.”

Even Cecelia isn’t sure what she is more panicked about; losing him or losing her job but the two seem connected now. It’s their fourth year all over again and her planned future is going down the drain. “I love you”.

SEVERIN

She was the best surgeon on his staff, that he couldn’t argue with. Largely because she took the risks no one else wanted to. It was infuriating that she could be so damn right all the time.

The kiss made him want to relent, forget the chaos going on around them and just kiss her back. Only it wasn’t that simple. Severin lingered longer than he should have, kissing her back with as much frustration and urgency as she had. He slept better in her head, he found life easier by her side but this hurt deeply. Not just her actions, but confronting him like trying to do his all was the wrong move.

“No- no. Don’t say that. Not now.” She knew the buttons she was pressing and this time around he wouldn’t play into her hands so easily. Severin pulled away, pulling her hands down from his face.

“You can’t love me when it’s convenient for you.”

CECELIA

The OR light bounced from the table and onto her face, reminisce of the lighting in black and white movies. She twisted her mouth and her eyes gleamed. She thought she had worked it out this time. Done the right maths. Right time, right place. They could make it work this time.

But he was still Sev and she was still Cee. Not enough had changed. Or everything had, she couldn't tell.

She opened her mouth but a incessant beeping from her waist band cut her off. Looking dow to her check her message, she sniffs. "Loving you... is absolutely never convenient for me. I just do it anyway." She looks into his face and smiles saddly. "We have to go. Second wave."

SEVERIN

Her pager beeped. His was completely silent. He didn’t break his concentration on her face, trying to understand where he should even be in this mess. If she had said those three little words at any other point then he’d be over the moon. The problem lay in the delay, that now apparently there was weight to them.

“Debrief me before you leave.” He still knew it was stupid to send her into surgery unsupervised be he really didn’t have a choice.  “I have a family to call.”

CECELIA

"Sir yes sir." Her smile grew tight. How could he treat her like she was a liability? Her almost perfect track record of general surgery. Who else on her level had that?

The next five hours are a blur. Two minor procedures, one surgery, one shower. By the time she's found him in his office, she's out of scrubs and back in her power suit, heels on, ready for her own battle. She knocks, even though the door is open. "Did I ever tell you I applied for this job when you did? I mean--- thank god I didn't get it. It's sort of make you a dick." Her pleading tone is gone. She's pissed at him. It feels like he is holding her job over her head.

"I'm here you to tell you I didn't kill anyone today. Same as yesterday, same as the day before. I even managed to fit in a scheduled surgery, which brought int he hospital about... hm, ten thousand in billable hours, I think? I'm not an accountant, but I think that's my going rate."

SEVERIN

He should have stopped her. This wasn't about oversight, in fact, he was too invested in a family that had lost two members in one day- in spite of his attempt to help. He wanted to know that there was a chance the other two made it to the end of his shift.

Severin watched her move through the doors, and away from the emergency room. His first call was to Sam, to put him on the ground. Right now, the poor second would be starting his shift with a fresh mind and fresher hands. It was going to be easier on both of them.

He insisted on calling the relatives himself, trying to bury himself in the budget and not watch the hours tick by. He'd managed it, well, his eyelids were drooping as the knock on the door cut through his thoughts.

"Right." His steam had blown off entirely, calmer again. Almost rational. "That sounds about right. I've been running the numbers so I can believe it."

Severin stood up, hands shoved awkwardly in his pockets in a way that would seem achingly familiar. His head tilted awkwardly, charmingly. As if he had never lost his cool. "I think we need to talk, don't you?"

CECELIA

Cecelia paused in the doorway, stuck between an adult and telling him to suck it. However, in the best interests of her own career, she took off her coat and closed the door behind her.

She wishes she had something smart to say, she seems to for everything else but all she can think to say is... you look tired. She wants to take him into leaving with her, maybe even taking some holiday time like normal people. "I meant everything I said before but I can't-- I cannot lose my job Sev. St Thomas' would never sign off on you letting me go so you'd have to have me struck off. Are you seriously considering that?"

SEVERIN

He leant against his desk, propping himself up.

"Just -listen." He raised a hand, trying to get her to give him time. Tired was one way to put it. Total and complete exhaustion was another.

"We've been fighting, in one way or another since I go here. I'm not saying I didn't deserve some of it, but somewhere along the line- we made a good team." Late night study sessions right up to trial parenting. There was nothing they couldn't do, as long as the did it together. Maybe in the months of moving around each other, he'd lost sight of what the real goal was.

"I need to trust you to work with me. You love me, then you know I've only ever got your best interest. And the patients, because there's a situation where the two aren't exclusive." This was the biggest risk of his career, and maybe more. What other alternative was there? He couldn't report her, it was just not going to happen. "I am not going anywhere alright? I love you, but don't use it against me."

CECELIA

A weight lifts. The sky clears. She moved to the door and back to the desk; he’s not going to tell! She should be more sorry, more solemn but she can’t help but. She wants to shout out! She’s keeping her job!

“Yes, I promise. I love you, I really do.” She covers her face with her hands to hide her grin. They’re parents, of course he wasn’t going to let her go. She stares at him for a moment and then laughs, a mister of relief and something else.

“Look at you... behind a desk... pushing papers and working out budgets. That’s... that’s sick.” No wonder he is losing his mind.

SEVERIN

The relief was palpable, but he wasn't finished. "Wait. It's not that simple. Brain dead or otherwise, that's never your call to make. This ever happens again, I'm reporting us both. I can't let you do that Cee. I'm not asking you to be sorry, but I am asking you to promise me that will never, ever happen in my operating rooms again. Am I clear?"

He kept his voice steady, his posture loose. He was very much pulling the boss card, but trying to make it look like there was something more than work that was driving him. This was a huge mistake, the issue was that that the alternative didn't bare thinking about.

"Pays well. Paperwork or CPR, that's what I seem t have signed up for." His blonde hair was growing lighter around the sides, his laughter lines deeper in the dim evening light as it shifted into the early hours of the morning. Just because he wore his weariness well didn't make it any less obvious.

"Starting to see why the job was so available. Poor Lelia, I'm pretty sure she's reserved a bed in the psych ward for the day I finally push her over the edge."

CECELIA

"I promise I will never put you through this again. Ever. With anything." It wasn't a lie, per se, but it wouldn't have made it harder to say even if it was. She would say anything she needed to, as long as he allowed her to cut. To heal someone more optimistic might say. But she would be careful. She would make good, by the book decisions, for a couple months and she wouldn't allow herself ot be in the position again of having a brain dead patient.

She moved around his desk, pulling his arms around her. "You're very clear. And you're very bossy. You're right, I need to stop seeing you as my study-buddy and start seeing you as my boss. Only technically," she allows another grin to grow on her rep lips. "And only when we're here."

Cee wished she couldn't hear the little voice in her head, the wicked nagging little sound that she was sure she inherited from her father. You've got him wrapped around your finger, you're safe now, clever you. It wasn't fair. This wasn't planned. She wasn't going to take advantage of this, of him. She could be better with him.

"I think we're all going going there eventually. Or to hell, I don't know which I'd prefer."

SEVERIN

It wasn’t lost on him that her career was the only constant in her life. She had used it as ammunition to push him away, her only real defiance against her father. When they had pulled apart, she had sought refuge in it. If it came down to a choice...

Severin let himself be moved into holding her, even if it wasn’t exactly what he wanted right now. It was impossible to read her, and even worst to be stuck second guessing her motivations. Of course this was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

“Makes a change, doesn’t it?” He pressed his forehead against hers with a heavy sigh. “Don’t know either. Depends how much paperwork there is in hell. It’s bad excel has me missing Helmand, right?”

He moved back for peace and quiet, and yet in the year he had been here it has been anything but. Constant battles with family, with the board, with Sam.. he was a very different person to the easy going doctor that had agreed to the position. How could helping people twist him up like this?

“I think it’s safe to say today wasn’t subtle. And that I owe John and apology for acting like a prat in his emergency room.”

CECELIA

As his forehead lent against hers, she knew she was safe. Maybe for the rest of her career. It was an accident, in fact she had ever intention of not going near Severin Moran ever again but--

"These things happen." She lifted her chin to kiss his head and then leant against him again. "I've seen John lose it with interns more times than I can count. Even doctors have bad days and A&E seems to get the brunt of it." Even she, infallible Cecelia, had lost her cool once or twice.

"We should get away-- oh, we should go to Italy! Take a whole week off, forget this place even exists. No beepers, no excel, no Bash or Seb!" She gives a little giggle. "Come on, boss."

SEVERIN

It was torture to know he hadn't even finished for the day. He also wanted to head to the ICU, check on the family himself since she didn't seem to have any news. Severin softened further, the tension in his shoulders dropping at her gentle kiss in a way that showed at leas the physical stress had left his body. She was right. A&E was always where tensions were highest, he knew that from his own experience. If that had been his department back in Bristol though he would want to have a chat and make sure all was fine. Maybe he could grab a pint... if it wasn't nearly 2am again. One day he would leave here at a reasonable hour.

"We should." A trip back to paradise would be a welcome break. Maybe if he did a trade off, left Sam for a week and gave him a week in return... "I think that would be perfect. I've got another half hour, you should head home. No point waiting for me, I'm going to be awful company..."

He'd still head back to her flat, slip in quietly and close his eyes for a few hours. Better than the mattress on the floor and empty fridge he was living with in Bermondsey.

[hollidayishere]

Run. Hide. Fight.

    I am a student at The University of North Carolina at Charlotte, and on Tuesday April 30th, 2019 a student brought a gun to campus and opened fire in a classroom.

   Our school is in a suburb of Charlotte, so from time to time in surrounding areas there will be gun violence and the school will notify us that it doesn’t appear to be a threat. But at 5:50pm I received a text from the UNCC Alert System saying “Niner Alert: Shots, reported near kennedy. Run, Hide, Fight. Secure yourself immediately. Monitor your email.” Looking back now I can see whoever sent out the alert was obviously in panic just from the building’s name not being capitalized. I can only imagine having to be the one to send that message. Instead I was the one receiving it.

   I was off campus at a networking event when the text messages flooded everyone’s phones. Immediately everyone started calling and texting their families letting them know they were safe. Friends desperately texted each other trying to figure out if you were on or off campus. My mom called me in full panic.  The news was reporting it less than half an hour later.

   What was strange was my first reaction- and everyone’s first reaction. It wasn’t an emotional one, it wasn't “oh my god why is this happening?” or “I can’t believe this is happening.” My first thought was “It’s happening.”  

   There were rumors going around those of us off campus at the time that the students walking into an on campus concert got into a fight and that’s how the shooting happened. It wasn’t until later that we realized the truth as more stories came out. It wasn’t until I saw the library that I had spent hours and hours in studying, hanging out with my friends, and writing papers in, on the news with students coming out with their hands up as police run past them. I wasn’t until I saw the walkway that I take from Chick fil A to class on Tuesdays and Thursdays that I started to understand. And suddenly I saw the Kennedy building- a building I walked by that day after my last day of classes for the semester plastered across news headlines with the words “ACTIVE SHOOTER AT UNCC” that it hit me.

   The next 24 hours were filled with tweets and emails and text messages. Emails from professors asking for students just to email them back so that they would know they were okay. Texts from family members and friends and people checking in “Safe” on Facebook.  Tweets and videos showing doors barricaded that I’ve walked through. I recognized the tables in the library and the tables from study rooms being stacked in a panic on top of each other against doors as desperate protection. I saw a student’s white dress shirt covered in blood laying on the ground and I recognized the bricks underneath it and knew what building it was outside of.  I imagined over and over again the shooter walking into a classroom that I had classes in and firing.

   There was a tweet from a girl saying that her friend’s boyfriend wasn’t texting her back. She couldn’t find him and was worried about him and asking for information if anyone knew where he was. The next day I saw an article with his name spread across the headline “Riley Howell hailed as a hero for jumping on the shooter to save the lives of others.” He was dead. The kid was dead.

   Riley Howell and Ellis Parker will never walk across the stage at graduation. They will never have another summer vacation after finals week. Ellis will never celebrate his 21st birthday. Riley’s girlfriend will never receive a text saying, “I’m okay!” like I had the privilege of receiving from all my friends.

  Drew Pescaro, Sean DeHart, Rami Alarmatin, and Emily Haupt will never forget being shot in a classroom. They will never forget the feeling of seeing the shooter. They will never forget the ambulance ride or calling their families. They will never be able to walk into a classroom and not look for an exit door. They will never. forget.

 The students on campus will never forget where they went when they got the text message. What study room or classroom or building. The students who ran will never forget their heartbeat as they sprinted away as fast as they could. They will never walk the same path they ran and not think about how their backpacks slapped their back as they desperately tried to get off campus and the noises of helicopters and ambulances passing them, going in the other direction.

  As a student who didn’t experience the shooting first hand I have felt a lot of guilt about my strong reaction to it. I wasn’t there, I didn’t know anyone in the classroom, and all of my friends were okay. But  I’ve had nightmares every night. I had to stop looking at social media and reading articles and news headlines. When my mom would wake me up or open my door while I was sleeping I would wake up and scream. I’ve cried every day since then. My mind plays the same things over and over again. The gunman walking into a classroom of kids just trying to give their final presentations. The kid looking down and seeing his white shirt turn red. The students running and being in lock down for hours all over campus. A place where I never realized that I actually felt at home suddenly felt broken. I felt like something had been robbed from us. This caused me to realize that I shouldn’t feel guilty about my feelings about it. UNCC is all of our home. Every student and teacher that steps foot on to campus.

   The support of the students and faculty and the community has been incredible at our school. Emails constantly being sent out about counseling and wellness events, therapy dogs, a candle light vigil, a March for Our Lives rally, people offering rides and homes to those who didn’t want to stay on campus.

   But on May 1st, 2019 there was a shooting outside of a student apartment complex a mile from campus. The shooting was not in any way related to the shooting on campus at UNCC. But once again we got an email “UNC Charlotte is monitoring multiple reports of persons injured at University Village Apartments, which is located near main campus. Police officials do not believe there is a threat to campus but we are monitoring the situation.”  One person was killed, they were not a student. It felt like the world was ending.

  I keep up with a lot of mass shootings, and have strong views that I will not get into here. I went to March For Our Lives in D.C. after the shooting in Florida and while I was there I thought I was marching for my sister’s safety and the safety of all students. I was oblivious to the fact that all students would include me. I was marching for my life as well, and the lives of the students at UNCC.

   On that I will say this- seeing shootings in the news is nothing like having it happen at your own school. You don’t recognize the bricks underneath the blood soaked shirt. You have never walked past the building after finishing your last exam and feeling the sunshine on your face of your first minute of summer vacation. You will never see the places you once felt comfortable and be filled with tears and images of students running for their lives. You have never texted your loved ones and don’t know if it will be the last time or heard your mom’s panicked voice on the phone because she doesn’t know if you’re alive.  And I hope you never have to. But we did. And so have so many other students.

  My friend texted me a few hours after the shooting had happened and said “I just want to know why.” I responded with “It doesn’t matter why he did it. He did it. He did it easily. It happened.”

  I hope at some point it stops happening.