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yetanotherreader · 4 years

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Useful—6(2)

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Y/N Y/L/N

Genre: College AU

Summary: The school's most popular boy wants to be friends with Y/N, out of the blue. It definitely doesn't have anything to do with her hot best friend, though.

Word Count (For the chapter—both parts): 6,367

Warnings (For the chapter): Fluff, Mentions of Depression, suicide attempts, murder, angst, panic attack, fluff, more fluff?

Two parts in what? 5 minutes? Lol. I hate Tumblr sometimes, and so much.

Useful Masterlist

Chapter 6(2)

Chapter 6(1)

You felt tears in your eyes, tears that you didn't let out of them, "I just..I-" he squeezed your hands urging you to continue, "I feel guilty. Just not good enough for you. Feels like you deserve a better friend."

Dean's little action continued on the back of your hands as he sighed, "You know you've been a better friend to me in the last few months than most people have been my entire life, right?"

"Doesn't mean you don't deserve better."

"There's no better, sweetheart. You're the best. The best high school girlfriend I could have ever asked for," You let out a little laugh. Only Dean could do that, "Mom. She was amazing."

You knew where this was headed. Dean never talked about his mom, and today he was. You held your breath as he spoke that word. Dean was opening up to you, finally. You felt him stiffen, holding back, "Go on, Dean. I'm listening. I won't judge."

"I know you won't. Out of everyone, you won't," Dean's hold tightened on your palm, "I don't have a lot of memories with her, but the ones I have they're all good. She was the best mother." Dean talked about her in past tense, and your heartbeat rose at that. You thought he had a mother, everyone thought that, "When I was four, there was a house fire. Sam was very small, 6 months. Dad ran to save her, but she forced him to save us instead. And he did. I remember seeing my house burn, with Sammy crying in my arms, with mom.

You gasped, your heart aching in your chest for the scared little boy Dean was hiding inside himself, "In the matter of seconds, dad came and picked us up, running in the opposite direction of the house. I kept yelling at him that he needed to go save mom, but all my cries..they were subsided by the explosion that happened in front. Mom was gone...forever. Only because dad had to save me."

You let out a shaky breath. He couldn't have been blaming himself for it the entire time, right? "Dean, it wasn't your fault." You positioned your head, now, your chin on his shoulder as you looked up in his teary eyes. Your faces inches away from each other. You cupped his face with your free hand and wiped the lone tear that escaped his eyes. What all had he been keeping inside for so long?

"It feels like it is," He shut his eyes, letting his tears out, "everything feels like my fault."

Your heart literally hurt in your chest. He didn't deserve that, he never deserved that, "But it's not. He is your dad, obviously he'd save you, Dean. You-you can't be blaming yourself, De."

"I saw someone that day. In the cupboard," you frowned at the new information as Dean rested his forehead on yours, "But I thought it was my imagination. A man. He had yellow eyes. Golden ones.

"I never told that to Dad. I don't know why, I just never did. But that image wasn't something I could have forgotten. But I thought it was a dream. After mom died, Dad worked overtime. He was a cop. I had to take care of Sam."

"Ever since you were four?" You let out before you could stop. That wasn't something a kid should be responsible for. He shifted so that you both were in your earlier positions.

"Yeah. That day, when I was 10, after putting Sam to sleep, I thought I would go play outside. That's when I heard it. Dad was talking to someone on the phone. Mom didn't die in the accident. She was murdered. I got to know that mom was an agent. Undercover. I didn't know what that meant but I understood she was the police. I didn't know how to process this new information and that's when I got my first panic attack.

You shut your eyes, tears falling on your cheeks, "I went into the bathroom. It was hard to breathe and I was feeling hot. I wanted to cry but nothing came out of my eyes," you brought your free hand to his muscled arm and gave it a squeeze, having a hard time keeping yourself from breaking apart, "I turned on the shower and stood there till I was better. I never spoke about it ever again, until now. I trust you, Y/N. Please don't ever break it."

His voice sounded hoarse from keeping himself from crying, "I won't. You matter a lot to me, Dean. The most."

He sighed, as if getting some reassurance, "Depression knocked after that. There were times I almost k- killed myself," You hid your face in his neck, wanting to get closer to him, to see he was there, breathing. He took a pause, nuzzling into your hair, feeling some life himself, "But the thought of Sammy, it stopped me. Each and every time. Sometimes he called my name just before I was about to do it, or sometimes I'd just remember his smile and how it'd fade forever if I pressed the trigger. That was one time I got dad's gun. I didn't even know how to use it. Sammy was my savior, he was my light at the end of the tunnel. He was the one who first noticed my self destructive behaviour. I was 16 and he was 12. He was a nerd, obviously he noticed," Dean chuckled to himself, "And when he found out that I had depression, he was hell bent on helping me. Even after I pushed him away, he didn't budge. By that time Dad started staying in different cities, so Sam and I were pretty much all. Bobby visited us every few days, dad's best friend. That's who Sam told. I was very mad, telling him that he's not supposed to tell just anyone about it. That's when Uncle Bobby smacked me in the head saying, and I'll quote in his accent, 'Family don't end in blood, boy.'" Dean chuckled at his own voice. A sight you wanted to capture forever. How could someone go through so much alone and still be as good as he was? How could someone be so strong?

"Then? Your uncle did something?" You asked softly.

"Yeah. Lots of love and care," He smiled nostalgic, "I felt like for the first time that I had people who care about me enough to bear with me."

"I'm glad you had them. Uncle Bobby and Sam, both of them sound like cool guys."

"Oh my god, yes" Dean laughed a hearty laugh, "They're the coolest guys. I want you to meet them someday! If, uh, if you're okay with it?"

You smiled, "Yeah, I want to meet them too."

"Bobby owned a garage. He got busy with it, and Sammy started preparing for law school. And I thought I was doing better, much better. My panic attacks were less and I smiled more. But without them, it was lonely. I was scared that I'll go into that dark place again. That's when I met Cassie."

You clenched your jaw, "The Cassie?"

"Yeah," Dean gulped, "We dated in high school. The first girl I liked, I mean, really liked. I was 18 and it was my first serious relationship. I really thought we could make something."

"You….you were in love with her?" You breathed out the words, a sudden wave of hurt passing through you.

"I guess," he sighed, sounding hurt, "I had liked her for a long time and we hooked up. But I think we both wanted more than just a hookup with each other. She was attractive, you know. She was strong headed and confident, someone who knew what she wanted and she was gorgeous. And that was hot to me." Something you could never be, "And maybe I was hot to her too. We went out for a couple of months. Everything was good. I was at her place once, it was mom's death anniversary. The hardest time of the year. And after a long long time, I had a panic attack."

"She helped you, right?" You asked, knowing the answer to it very well.

"She said I was nuts," you clenched your jaw, feeling fury in your head. You never really cared about Cassie, until you got to know she blackmailed Dean to throw you in the pool and later bully you about it. But right now all you felt was her was pure hate. How could she? How could anyone be so insensitive to someone? And especially when that someone is her boyfriend?

"Bloody bitch,"

"Right?" Dean laughed a little, "It was a long time ago, though. I'm fine now."

"Don't act tough around me, Dean," He sighed, "Is that why you never told anyone about your condition?" He nodded timidly, "Oh, Dean."

This time you wrapped your hands complete around his torso, nuzzling into his shoulders. He deserved all the happiness in the world and what he got was all of this, "When that night you found me...you know, helped me. I thought it was going to be the same. We didn't share a very good rapport. I mean, after what I did with you the first day, it was understandable if you hated me. I thought you were going to laugh at me, or maybe tell everyone about how weak I was.

You felt a pang inside your chest at that accusation, you had never been mean to anyone so it felt bad that he assumed that about you. But you understood it, he had trust issues. The girl he trusted, even loved, did that to him so you were a girl who didn't get along with him, "But you were nothing but kind to me. You helped me. That hug was the realest hug I had gotten in a long time. You comforted me and you did all of that. And now that panic attack doesn't feel all that bad. It gave me my favorite person."

"You're my favorite person, too, Dean. I can't imagine a life without you in it, you know. And I promise you, from now on, you will never find yourself alone when you need someone," You pulled away from him and cupped his face, wiping the stray tears. In that moment, all you wanted to do was press your lips to his and pour all the love he was deprived of in that kiss, but you knew that wasn't something that could happen. So you did what you think was closest, repeat an action from the day. He looked at you with unshed tears in his eyes, and all you wanted to do was take his hurt away. You leaned in, slowly pressing your lips to the side of his mouth, tasting the saltiness of his tears. He let out a sigh, "I'm always going to be there, Dean, okay?"

He nodded against your lips and you swore your breath hitched in your throat when they slightly grazed his. You pulled away slowly, maintaining whatever little boundaries were left between you two. It was all friendly, "Thank you."

"Mm hmm," You stood up, walking towards the lake, "The swans are gone."

Dean followed you, "Seems like they are."

"And for the record, Cassie is a dumb bitch."

Dean let out a laugh, "Yeah, yeah she is," He stood next to you, seeing the reflection of the moon in the lake, "Why do you keep pushing me away?"

That was the last thing that you expected to come out of his mouth, "Wh-what do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. Every time something happens, you go MIA on me or act like nothing happened. This happened yesterday, before that and today in the fair. What is it that's holding you back from opening up? Is it that you don't trust me?"

It wasn't an accusation, he looked genuinely confused. You didn't think he'd pick on these little things, "It's nothing like that. You're just overthinking thi-"

"It's okay if you don't wanna tell, Y/N. Just don't lie to me. I don't expect you to trust me but the least I can hope is that you don't lie to me and make me feel like a stranger."

"It's not that..I'm sorry," You said, feeling exposed under his stare, "I-I don't know how to talk about.. things. I never did. You mean a hell lot to me, Dean. It has nothing to do with you. It's me. I'm scared. I wish I were as strong as you because trust me, I do want to talk about my feelings. I just can't."

"It's okay, Y/N." Dean sighed and your ears perked up. Is he done with you? Is that all? Your eyes widened as your head turned in his direction. He looked back concerned and cupped your face, "Y/N, I meant it. It's okay. Tell me whenever you think you can tell me. I'm going to wait. I'm not going anywhere."

"Please don't give up on me just yet." Your eyes brimmed with unshed tears, as he looked back with nothing but understanding.

"I'm not. I'll always be here." He whispered, slowly pressing his lips to your forehead, "I promise."

And that's when you knew, it wasn't a silly crush. You were in love with your best friend.

You loved Dean Winchester.

—

A/N: So that's about it. I really hope you liked this one because well, I mean I wrote it I'd obviously want you to like this. Ugh, I'm so bad at this. So yeah, I hope you had a happy reading. Feedback is greatly appreciated, it keeps me going.

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