#but yeah money has been extremely extremely tight lately and the stress caused by it just makes

[heulevescant]

Hi I'm Airy and I make these cute bottle necklaces! (the ones shown above are just examples of my work) I'm also disabled, and after health problems that keep causing me to miss work and expenses (including finger splints- being disabled is expensive lol) I'm attempting to get out of debt and regain some semblance of financial stability before I can start saving for top surgery.

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[shijiujun]

[ENG] History3: Make Our Days Count - IF Alternative Ending

“That Day, You are Still Here”

That car accident left Xi Gu with severe injuries, and at one point, his heart even stopped beating. The Xi Gu in his dreams even left him, leaving Hao Ting behind to slowly walk through life on his own. Even when he went to university, entered a well-known biology research center, at his side one person was always missing from his side. That feeling is as if his heart was dug out, leaving behind an empty space. Regardless of when he’s asleep or awake, Hao Ting feels the panic and fear so deep, the kind that leaves him with a face covered entirely in tears when he comes back to himself…

“It’s been so long already…” Xi Gu squints, but in his eyes the joy at having someone care for him like this is revealed, as does the gentleness and softness his feels for the one he loves.

“I’m still here, don’t worry.”

---

Pages: 250-260 (sorry my bad at counting it’s 10 not 15 pages)

Word Count: ~3580 words 

Disclaimer: Translations are entirely mine - these are not official translations and some phrases have been changed for better English interpretation so you’ll definitely see better/different translations elsewhere. And yes some teeny weeny details and words may not turn up in the translation because the Chi to Eng mind acrobatics didn’t work out. If you see asterisks, scroll all the way to the bottom for notes! Doing this in a rush so there may be some errors, will read through again when I get back from work!!

Full chapter below the cut

Xiang Hao Ting opens his eyes, and for a moment he does not even know where he is, who he is; his face feels a little cold, just like the feeling of touching water and having a cool breeze blow over it after.  Turning his face to the side, Yu Xi Gu’s sleeping face comes into his line of vision. It’s easier to look at Xi Gu’s face now, which has become fuller since their days in high school. The only things that haven’t changed are his long eyelashes and his white as porcelain skin colour - even though he’s running outside more frequently now, Xi Gu’s skin has not darkened.

His breaths are deep and long, and this is the breathing technique most suitable for being on a mountain. Hao Ting and Xi Gu watched each other’s breathing pattern and rhythm closely before this to practice breathing in this manner. People who did not know what they were doing exactly may have thought they were practicing Lamaze Breathing instead.*

Ah, breathing. Hao Ting slowly remembers that where he and Xi Gu are right now is Paiyun Lodge.

He dreamt of that scene again. His entire body is drenched in cold sweat, and the sleeping bag he is in is now abnormally warm and stuffy because of that. Shifting his gaze towards the outside, he sees that a ray of sunlight has already entered the room. Hao Ting thinks that they still have an hour before they have to get ready for breakfast, and he can use the time to wipe himself dry. 

He does not expect Xi Gu to open his eyes the moment he moves.

“Is it time?” Xi Gu asks and keeps his voice low, because it’s not just the both of them in this room.

There are other hiking friends with them, and loud noises can easily disturb the rest.

“Not yet,” Hao Ting replies, then points at his wet hair.

“So wet…” Xi Gu might as well get up, and with light movements he finds the dried towel sitting on top of the backpack next to their bedrolls so he can help Hao Ting dry his hair.

Under the dim light, he sees that Hao Ting looks both a little sick and upset, and idly asks if Hao Ting had a nightmare. Xi Gu does not expect Hao Ting’s body to shudder hard at that, both his brows furrowed tight.

“You had a bad dream?”

Xi Gu’s heart aches for the man. After all, before they slept the night before, Hao Ting did seem a little unsteady and anxious, so he’s not surprised that Hao Ting had a bad dream.

“I dreamt of… the day you met with the accident, and your entire body was covered in blood…”

The accident happened such a long time ago, but thinking about it still makes Hao Ting afraid, because the details in his dream were exceptionally clear, and the fear and terror he felt from that day is written deep in his bones.

That car accident left Xi Gu with severe injuries, and at one point, his heart even stopped beating. The Xi Gu in his dreams even left him, leaving Hao Ting behind to slowly walk through life on his own. Even when he went to university, entered a well-known biology research center, at his side one person was always missing from his side. That feeling is as if his heart was dug out, leaving behind an empty space. Regardless of when he’s asleep or awake, Hao Ting feels the panic and fear so deep, the kind that leaves him with a face covered entirely in tears when he comes back to himself…**

“It’s been so long already…” Xi Gu squints, but in his eyes the joy at having someone care for him like this is revealed, as does the gentleness and softness his feels for the one he loves.

“I’m still here, don’t worry.”***

Hao Ting embraces Xi Gu so tight, with the strength of someone trying to absorb Xi Gu into his body. Xi Gu is the person whose hand Hao Ting has held in his all this time, and Xi Gu is his prized treasure. Not even talking about losing him, if Xi Gu hurts himself usually by knocking into or hitting things, Hao Ting’s heart will ache for half a day at least.

“We promised that we’ll be together! You’re not allowed to break our promise!”

Suddenly, Hao Ting feels the person in his arms jolt, and the hand on his back is lightly shaking as well. When he realizes what a dumb thing he’s doing right now, it’s too late.

How could he pass his anxiety and fears to Xi Gu? Hao Ting treasures him so much, and usually, if he has any frustrations or things he’s unhappy about, he would keep it inside and swallow it.

“It must be because I wasn’t feeling well yesterday before I slept!” Hao Ting blinks as he speaks, even though his tone is a little more high-pitched than usual.

“Shhhh!” Xi Gu quickly presses his hand over Hao Ting’s mouth, because it wouldn’t do to wake the rest of their hiking party up. “Talk softly. All is good, I’m here, I won’t leave you all aline.”

Hao Ting blinks with his two huge eyes, and with muffled noises of assent, he nods in agreement. However, the fear and anxiety in his eyes do not vanish completely. Just like the fog outside, Hao Ting finds his emotions hard to dissipate in the moment.

~~~~~~

The both of them leave Paiyun Lodge after breakfast with their friends. Today is the second day in their hiking plan, and they plan to head straight for the mountain’s peak before going back to the lodge, retracing their steps. Then, they will leave the mountain tomorrow.

Hao Ting began to hike and climb after attending university, and Xi Gu, on the other hand, has not exercised in a long time and is extremely skinny and weak in physique. Not to mention that car accident which left him resting for a long, long while after, so no matter how much Xi Gu likes being   close to the forests and nature, there are undeniably some physical limitations for him.

However, a long journey begins with a small step, so after much preparation and consideration, they decided to choose a three day and two night hiking schedule that is low on difficulty as their first step to conquering more mountains in the future.

On the way up to the mountain’s peak, their legs are steady as they climb because the backpacks they chose are able to efficiently hold the weight of all the items they need without putting the stress of the weight on their legs. At first, Xi Gu said that they should pick the cheapest bag, the cheaper the better, but Hao Ting refused. He’d done his homework, and the backpack and hiking shoes are the most important items to spend money on.

“You have to carry the backpack the whole day, and shoes carry your entire weight!”

With this, Xi Gu gave into Hao Ting, but Hao Ting also knew that Xi Gu doesn’t have much savings he can tap into for this, so he secretly paid for the items for Xi Gu. When he was exposed for it, he still dared to laugh and grin, and directly said that this was the duty of a husband! Xi Gu didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that.

The both of them are the least experienced among the group, so they are placed at the very back of the group with the more experienced leader keeping up the pace behind them. This is so that if anyone leaves the team or feels uncomfortable at any time, he can react quickly and lend them a hand.

Along the way, everyone’s pace is not fast. After all, this is not the kind of two day and one night hike which requires them to hurry down the mountain, and so there is the occasional chatter and laughter among them. However, Hao Ting is a little more quiet, and only when Xi Gu turns around to look at him does Hao Ting smile.

He is still thinking about the dream from yesterday. He knows what the cause of this dream is, and while the scene at that particular road where the accident occured didn’t leave him with any regrets, his memories of that day are clear, and it has permanently left a shadow of fear in his heart.

“Are you still okay?” asks the leader in concern when he sees Hao Ting starting to stray away from the main group.

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, I’m good, I’m just thinking about some things…” Hao Ting replies.

“You have to stay focused, if you lose your footing and injure yourself you’ll have to go back to the lodge and rest.”

The leader pats at his shoulder and brings him back, closer on the inside.

There are two routes in total to Yu Shan main peak - Dong Bu’s ‘Ba Tong Guan’ route which is more difficult, where even experienced climbers usually stay off this path, and instead they use the route on the West, the ‘Tataka’ route. It has a complete, properly marked out route and the necessary facilities and is beginner-friendly. All they have to do at this time is to hold onto the route’s chains and watch their own footsteps, and they will be able to see the gorgeous view of the mountains as they make their climb upwards. The fog is gradually vanishing as the sun inches upwards, and the air is especially fresh.

Hao Ting quietly hastens his footsteps to follow Xi Gu. Seeing that his forehead is filled with sweat, Hao Ting takes off the towel at his waist and helps him to wipe that away.

“Thank you,” Xi Gu remembers the breathing technique and is making his way upwards steadily one step after the other, but he did not miss the conversation between the leader and Hao Ting earlier, so in between his breaths he manages, “You’re still thinking about that dream?”

“Hnn? No! I was just thinking, when we finally hit the peak, how beautiful that view will be!” he lies quickly.

“The scenery will be beautiful and it’ll make you forget that dream,” Xi Gu smiles.

He is no longer that adolescent, innocent young man anymore, and it’s not as if he’s been with Hao Ting for only a day or two, so Xi Gu is familiar with all of Hao Ting’s moods. He knows that at this point, he cannot argue with Hao Ting. Following Hao Ting’s lead and what he says is the right way to understand him. Furthermore, just arguing with him on whether Hao Ting is concerned about that or not has no meaning.

Xi Gu returns the towel to him and continues the climb, and this time he doesn’t forget to hold onto Hao Ting for a few steps before releasing him. Holding hands while climbing is considered a pretty dangerous thing, but the warmth from Xi Gu’s hold lingers in Hao Ting’s palm, and successfully pushes the fear and anxiety to the back of Hao Ting’s mind. It will not disappear entirely, but he can exist together with it instead.

~~~~~

The moment they reach the peak, Hao Ting is blown away by the view before his eyes.

It is a whole stretch of blue and there is not a single cloud in the sky. Forests are abound at a glance and under the glorious rays of the sun, it seems as if a layer of gold dust was scattered across the forest. The sight is blinding. Yet, even with the sun, they do not feel hot and just wipe at their sweat with towels, unafraid of catching a cold with the breeze.

The leader gets everyone to put their bags in a particular area, and if they want to take photos they can use this time to do it. If they’re hungry, they should eat some bread and chocolate right now. When the time is up, everyone will line up again and make their descent to Paiyun Lodge.

After everyone takes moment to catch their breath, they begin to head towards the peak’s sign to take a photo momento, and the older members of the group say they want to take more photos to boast of their climb to their friends, so the atmosphere is particularly warm.

Hao Ting does not join them in their fun, and instead brings Xi Gu slowly to the side, a distance away from everyone else. He really wants to take photos too, but more than that he wants to be glued to Xi Gu. After all, the only reason why he found an interest in the mountains and skies is because Xi Gu likes it.

“It’s a bit of a pity that we can’t come up here at night,” he says.

“It’s okay,” Xi Gu, surprisingly, is not concerned about that much.

After all, this is not their final goal, but their beginning.

“When we go back to the lodge, we can tell them, that we’ve made the first step and we are getting closer and closer to them!”

Their goal then was to climb the Himalayas, to stand at the point that is closest to the stars to tell Xi Gu’s parents that everything is good with him.

“Hnn! They’ll definitely be very happy.”

“You think so?” Xi Gu’s smile is exceptionally sweet, and with a brief peek to the people gathered at the sign taking photos, chatting and admiring the view, and making sure that no one is looking at them, Xi Gu then dares to give Hao Ting’s cheek a kiss, “Thank you.”

“Instead of saying thank you, you might as well kiss me a few more times!” Hao Ting teases him, raising his eyebrow,.

“We’re outside right now!”

Xi Gu definitely will not kiss him right here. The both of them exchange glances and laugh, and while there are no kisses, Xi Gu replaces that by secretly digging his finger into Hao Ting’s palm. A silent promise is more beautiful than any declarations at this point.

So immersed the both of them are in their world that it is only when the leader announces their descent that Hao Ting and Xi Gu rush to the sign and ask a few of their group members to take a few photos for them. The older members of the team, seeing them like this, start to laugh loudly and say that these two children are just too adorable.

~~~~~

In the evening, the members of team do not sleep early as they are still sharing their excitement about reaching Yu Shan’s peak, and they even plan to continue on some other climbs together. Laughter echoes through the room, and influenced by the merry atmosphere, he too laughs.

“Happy?” Hao Ting asks, his hands holding onto a hot cup of cocoa.

“I’m really happy! I can be together with you, and I can come and see dad and mom, so I’m really happy!” Xi Gu beams, his smile so radiant. “Oh right, are you still feeling not so well? Is there a buzzing in your ear, dizziness or do you feel like throwing up?”

“Nope!”

Hao Ting knows that Xi Gu wants to ask about his dream and not his physical well-being right now, but strangely enough, since hitting peak and returning to the lodge until now, he has not thought about the dream again. Instead, his mind is set on which other climbs they can do next. While Yang Ming Shan isn’t actually difficult, but the both of them can go to the onsen with that trip, which is quite attractive.

“That’s good. If you’ve got nothing to do don’t dream of those things. You and I are going to live until we are a hundred, and we’re also going to climb all the mountains in Taiwan, then set our sights on those overseas, and conquer the world’s highest peak.”

Their ambitions sound entirely not realistic, but they are also faced with a future teeming with possibilities and opportunities, so they do not worry about whether it is realistic or not. They only fear not making the first step, and now that they have reached Yu Shan’s peak, then that is their first step.

Hao Ting laughs awkwardly, and says, “I won’t dream of it anymore.”

He lifts his head up to look at a sky full of stars, and even if they cannot see the Rosette Nebula, the entire star system is connected.

“Papa Yu, Mama Yu, I know you can hear me,” Hao Ting reaches for Xi Gu’s shoulder and brings him into his embrace, and with his other hand he secretly takes out a small box from his pocket.

He has prepared for this moment for a very long time, and he knows that giving it to him here is most meaningful.

Xi Gu lifts his face up to look at him, and does not realise that his middle finger is being held by Hao Ting.

“We worked very hard today, and we managed to climb up Yu Shan. Sadly, we were unable to do the climb at night, otherwise I’ll be able to tell you guys directly.”

The man in his arms uses the back of his head to lightly knock against Hao Ting’s chest, the moment especially sweet.

“In the future we will also continue to climb other mountains, and we will definitely climb up the Himalayas, and at the point where we are closest to the stars, I will ask you both to entrust your son to me. Before that, I have to ask the both of you to be a little more patient. I promise, I will treasure your son and be very good to him.”

“What are you saying, so serious…” Xi Gu laughs at him.

“Xi Gu.”

At the call of his name, a solid, round object is secured at the bottom of his middle finger. When Xi Gu finally reacts and raises his hand, he sees that it is a silver ring. No other embellishment or decoration, only a single diamond set in the middle of the band. It is sparkling, and more blinding than any of the stars in the sky at the moment.

“This ring, is an engagement ring,” and Hao Ting seriously places another ring into his palm, “Inside I engraved both our names, and I feel that on a special day like today, we need to commemorate it properly.”

He stresses that this ring isn’t very expensive, and is perfect to symbolize the start of their journey together, because he is also afraid that Xi Gu would be troubled that Hao Ting spent too much money on this.

“When we finally climb the Himalayas, then it’ll become a wedding ring. When that time comes, you’re not allowed to say no, and you can only say ‘I do’.”

“Xiang Hao Ting…” Xi Gu is surprised to the point of speechlessness, and he is clutching onto the ring so tight that it is leaving a mark behind.

He doesn’t know whether to scold Hao Ting for spending money like this, or should he say that Hao Ting is truly too meticulous, that he would prepare such a surprise, shocking him to the point of tears.

“Who does it like this!” Xi Gu ends up scolding, his voice a little hoarse.

“I do!” Hao Ting says with no shame.

After, he urges Xi Gu to help him put on his ring, and warmed up from the heat of the hot chocolate, can clearly feel the engraved words on the inside of the ring against their skin.

As he softly calls ‘Xi Gu’, Hao Ting kisses along Xi Gu’s face until he reaches his lips. The scent of the sweet and thick hot cocoa becomes stronger, along with their quickening breaths with every kiss. In the end, it is Xi Gu who remembers that they are still outside and situated in the midst of a mountain, so they should both avoid doing anything that would cause their breathing rhythms to falter. Only then do they return from the edge of losing control from their hot kisses.

“When it’s time for the wedding ring, it’ll be my turn,” Xi Gu says in satisfaction.

He hides himself in Hao Ting’s embrace, and uses his coat to cover his own body, leaving only his head outside, looking just like a little animal afraid of the cold.

“Sure, we can choose the style we want together. Sun Bo recommended a store to me, and I picked these there…”

The both of them continue to chat, and the stars before them sparkle, as if giving their blessings to Hao Ting and Xi Gu who have decided to walk down the rest of their lives together, hand in hand.

*******

Notes:

*Lamaze Breathing - The breathing technique that women in labour use XD

**Stebeee’s note - Once again, I kind of hate you show writers, because to watch it in ep 20 was one thing and then having to read about this deep-seated fear of Hao Ting through the years as he deals with this? Wow. Thanks but no thanks.

***Stebeee’s note again - We worry, Xi Gu, because we saw it happen *sobs loudly in a corner*

[softlunars]

cross one’s heart.

60 things ; things you said with clenched fists. — lee felix ; stray kids

gang au — gang leader!felix x reader

requested: [yes!]

you were well aware of the dark world you were thrust into — being involved with the leader of one of the most influential gangs in seoul. it never bothered you much; your fiancé had ordered protection to surround you at all hours of the day. nothing life-threatening has happened to you yet, hence you had no worries about the security of your life.

you met felix in high school. he was the resident “troublemaker.” the stench of cigarette smoke followed him everywhere - jokes would often circulate around the school about how “you could find him by following the smell of smoke. he reeks of it - wherever the smoke is, felix is.”

bruises were constantly blooming across his skin, as if he mindlessly jumped into fights every minute he was awake. he was quiet, mysterious - a carbon copy of the cliches you encountered in teen fiction books. felix lee was the embodiment of rebellion. the complete opposite of you.

if you were put on a graph, with the extremities of the graph labeled “high school prodigy” and “high school nightmare” respectively, you and felix would have millions of miles separating you two. this simple fact is the reasoning behind everyone’s shock when you two became a couple in the final year of high school.

the rebel and class president. what a cliche.

initially, you were oblivious to the criminal activity your then-boyfriend participated in. felix hid it well - you had to give him credit for that. on days he came home late, new bruises forming on his cheekbones, a dozen flowers would be your first sight. the bright arrangements distracted you - albeit momentarily - from the black eye reappearing, the cut above his eyebrow that released drops of blood; all the damage felix’s activities gave him as recompense. this didn’t last long, as you watched your boyfriend arrive home limping; as you watched him cradle his left arm close to his chest; as you watched the cuts on his face multiply in numbers.

felix knew he couldn’t keep his secret forever. it was only a matter of time until you would force it out of him. he was right. he knew he was right. one night, when he arrived home, blood staining his shirt around his stomach, you couldn’t keep yourself under rein.

he watched as you blew up, listened as your voice became hoarse from screaming, grimaced as tears began to fall from your eyes. he hated seeing you like this. seeing you so frustrated, so upset, so scared. it ate felix up that night. only when you started walking away, did he open his pandora’s box for you to see.

you were scared beyond belief when you listened to the horrors of your boyfriend’s “second life.” the worst circumstances started invading your thoughts as he continued to reveal everything to you. he could die. he could lose his life in the middle of an alleyway, and you wouldn’t know until some random stranger came to inform you at four in the morning. you were scared. not for yourself, but for felix.

when you expressed this to him, his eyes widened in shock. he had expected you to leave him on the spot, abandon him for the sake of your own safety. that would’ve been easier for the man to digest. hearing you tell him you were scared for him, scared something would happen to him, clutched his heart so tight he thought it would explode. you were staying. the last thing felix ever expected you to do.

you witnessed your boyfriend, who later became your fiance, rise through the ranks of his gang. you witnessed him become the leader of a substantial amount of people. you witnessed some evil acts - which hadn’t left your memories - that he committed.

you witnessed all of that and more. yet you still decided to stay.

this inevitably caused arguments. an abundance of them. felix would come home from another tiring day, his stature slouched, and you would begin to fret over him. of course, he’d let you, but when you began to pry, ask him why he looked so defeated - felix would erupt.

he hated the fact that he involved you in this - this mess of a thing he called his life. there was a reason he tried so desperately to keep his two realms separate. felix never wanted to see you hurt. he never wanted to be forced to bargain for your life. he never wanted to come home to an upturned house and a note asking for ransom - or it would be your life to pay. he never wanted any of that.

he watched his friends go through those moments. the stress that followed them until they set their loved one free. the dark circles that deepened under their eyes because they refused to sleep until their loved one came back. the aggressive temper they adopted. on rare occasions, he watched his friends break down, lose touch with reality, when they learned they were too late.

if anything happened to you, felix knew he would turn out worse than his friends had. he knew he’d lose his life, if it meant you kept yours. he knew all of this and so much more. the only thing that made sense in his mind was to keep you as far away from his criminal life as possible. when you finally figured out the reason behind felix’s late nights, the injuries that seemed to appear out of nowhere, why he’d bring flowers home every time he arrived later than usual - he almost lost his mind.

your safety wasn’t a guarantee anymore. your life wasn’t a guarantee anymore.

after that, felix wouldn’t let you leave the house without some sort of protection — a guard, pepper spray, some sort of weapon he taught you to handle. anything. the thought of losing you that became a reality made him paranoid beyond reasonable bounds. felix was already responsible for the hundreds of members under his gang. if losing the men that cycled in and out of his affiliation pained his heart, losing you would crush it.

this particular day, felix’s greatest fear almost sprung to life.

you ventured outside of the house, wishing only to take a walk around the streets of seoul. your fiancé already left for the day, parting from you with a promise to come back safely. you were left alone — something that usually never bothered you much. today, though, you felt like you were being choked by the looming silence at home. even your attempts to make some noise — playing music, singing loudly off key, everything — proved useless in lessening your restlessness.

hence, you took it upon yourself to relieve yourself from your stir-craziness. you grabbed a small knife, one that could easily be concealed, and a handgun to hide in the band of your jeans. this became a reflex, as felix constantly made you arm yourself before going somewhere. “you need protection, angel. especially when i, or any of my men, can’t be by your side.”

when you stepped into the blazing summer heat, swiftly finding your way to the nearest shopping district, you expected the day to pass smoothly without any bumps.

in retrospect, you should’ve watched your surroundings more closely. the crowded place you found yourself in was “under control” of a gang with a vengeance aimed at felix’s.

it was no secret that the notorious gang leader had a soft spot for you; every gang in seoul took quick notice of this as soon as he rose to take the title of gang leader. you were bookmarked. even when you were unaware of the gang activity surrounding you, rival gangs took it upon themselves to figure out who you were. felix knew this would happen as soon as he ascended to the “throne.” which only solidified his attempts at keeping his two worlds as far apart from each other as he could.

the universe worked against you today, as you found yourself trying to reach home quicker. while you were browsing a small pop-up shop, some men that you’d never been acquainted with had approached you. you knew something was up as they began to circle around you.

you were able to make an escape by shooting a blank into the air. the distance from your house seemed farther than it ever had before as you sprinted away.

by the time you slammed the door of your home behind you, you could barely catch your breath. this was the first actual time members of a rival gang approached you with intentions to hold you hostage. you’d be lying if you said it hadn’t shaken you up.

soon after you arrived home, the click of the front door echoed in your ears as felix walked into your shared space. someone alerted him of the crisis you were briefly part of, which sent the man into a frenzy, leading him to get home as soon as he could. fuck, he knew this was going to happen. he fucking knew.

felix approached you, and he felt his heart twist at your shaking form. “you’re okay, angel?”

you moved your head to stare blankly at your fiancé. “yeah — they got close, kinda. i got outta there though.” the empty laugh that followed your voice made anger and sadness rise up his throat.

“i told you, you would’ve been safer if you left.” he wasn’t lying; felix tried to convince you, on several occasions, to leave him before you got tangled up in his “fucked up life.” you never listened.

“stop saying that. i stayed ‘cause i love you, ‘lix.” your gaze hardened as you continued to look at him. his constant remarks about how you’d be safer without him, frankly, pissed you off. you stayed by his side for a reason.

“am i wrong though, (y/n)? you almost got kidnapped, for crying out loud! who knows how that could’ve ended?” felix’s voice began to gain volume. these arguments always worked him up quickly, and now that something almost happened to you, he couldn’t stop his anger from bubbling out.

“but it didn’t happen, ‘lix! i’m alive! i’m here, i’m breathing, i’m okay!”

“what if it wasn’t okay, (y/n)? what if you got fucking kidnapped and tied up? what if you got tortured because i couldn’t cough up some goddamn money? what if you fucking died before i got to you? what about that?!”

your glance dropped down to see your fiancé’s fists clenched, his fingernails digging into his palms. you reached over to grab one of his fists, putting both of your hands over it as you tried to gather your thoughts.

“that all… that all could’ve happened, sweetheart. anything could’ve happened. but it didn’t. nothing happened.”

“i know you’re scared that, one day, i’m gonna end up being held against you as some sort of ransom. and… i know it can happen. but we’ve been together for how long now, ‘lixie? three years. nothing’s happened.”

you watched as felix’s eyelids fluttered shut, as he exhaled a breath that he — you guessed — wasn’t aware he was holding. when his eyes opened again, meeting your gaze, his demeanor shifted. the man’s shoulders slouched, and his head slightly dropped down. his hands were still in the shape of fists, but his strength was slowly dissipating, leaving his hands to open up limply.

“i’m just scared… i don’t want anything to happen to you.” tears began to sting at your eyes as you took in felix’s broken tone. you lifted the hand you held up to your lips, placing a gentle kiss on the top of it.

“i’ll keep learning how to protect myself. and i won’t let anything happen to me, okay, ‘lixie? i swear, cross my heart.” his eyes moved to look at his hand cradled in yours.

“cross your heart?”

“cross my heart.”

[boogiewrites]

Choking On Sapphires 82

Characters: Alfie Solomons x Genevieve (OFC)

Title & Song: When the Levee Breaks

Summary: Alfie returns to work. He begins to deal with the aftermath of what happened and tries to gain control of an uncontrollable situation.

Warnings/Tags: Language. References to assault and violence. PTSD. Suffering/Physical Pain. Fluff. Grumpy Alfie. Business Alfie. 

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The clack and clash of work within the well ran warehouse beneath the quaint Jewish bakery was running at high proficiency with its boss stalking about the place again. His freshly cobbled shoes, which he refused to replace, much to Genevieve’s annoyance, squeak with the hard fresh leather and nails against the hard floor. Despite being polished, they were covered with dirt and dust just like the rest of him, as was necessary for working in a rum house. He enjoyed the work again, as much as one could enjoy ordering around mostly boys he thought would have trouble pissing in a pot by themselves. But it did get him out of the house. More importantly, it got him away from the abstract and currently unsolvable problems that lie there waiting for him as soon as he left the structure that running his business gave him.

He’d adapted well, in his opinion, to the problems that lie in that big ornate bed at home. He didn’t work nights if it could be helped, he was home for dinner every day and took the Shabbat off, giving him extra time to be with Genevieve. He didn’t like coming back home to problems he couldn’t solve with a shout of his orders, but that was the life they were dealing with. He’d at least been able to put up a strong front at work, perhaps a bit more stone-fisted with his men than he had been previous to Genevieve’s abduction. But he felt like he had control at his dingy warehouse with its strong smells he carried home in his clothes every day. He felt like he had a place that fit when he was working, his problems solved by either agile fingers or mind with a raise of his voice or arms to put forth the labor and intellect to solve them. He didn’t have to think about how powerless he was when it came to the throw of a dice that was Genevieve’s health and mind while he worked. And although he did make most of his money on being a betting man, he’d always prefer horses over the indifferent will of the miraculous mess that was the human body.

He told himself he did it because he wanted to take better care of himself in the face of Genevieve’s decline of health, taking breaks outside to escape the fumes and flames inside his alcove of a workspace. The reality was that Aggie and Claire had beaten him into submission on him eating a full lunch and getting some sun every day. Aggie would know by his mood and his lack of stealth when it came to snacking in the kitchen if he failed to follow her suggestions. But of course, Alfie had found another way to use this forced time to his advantage. As was his way.

“There lads, go on wif ya.” He grunts after handing coins to the scrappy youth's he’d been meeting with on his breaks. Little sets of unassuming eyes and ears around the city, needing the money and having the time and invaluable ability to seem invisible to most, he utilized them for his work. They gave him all the things they’d seen and heard that could interest him. For a few sweets and pounds the information they gave was worth its weight in gold. He watches their worn shoes become even more so on his orders as they shuffle across the dirty brick pathways away from the canal and the work buildings.

“Next appointment is soon sir.” Ollie reminds him, taking Alfie's eyes from the long distance stare they were set in thoughtfully as the kids disappeared around the corner.

“Right.” He huffs out, a hand that smelled awful and felt much the same with its grit from both stress and work rubbing across his face as he scratches his beard in thought. “Put down visitin’ the families in the diary soon, yeah? Seems a few of the children have come down wif some fuckin awful fing that’s killed one of 'em already.” He says without the emotion behind it that it would warrant from any normal person.

“Yes, sir.” Ollie notes in his mind as he follows after his employer, back down the corridors to his office. Despite Ollie being taller, he very much felt small and like Alfie was carving the way back for him as his shoulders swayed and bow legs stalked with a stance that unquestionably told anyone who looked his way, “Don’t fuck with me.”

“So what ‘ave I got before I head out?” He asks with no fondness to the statement, selves rolled up his bulky and gingery hair covered forearms. His hands, as always highly bejeweled, Genevieve’s gifts among them, slap together and rub to commence the last parts of his work day, the tattooed crowns being the least of the signals from him that he was, in fact, the boss in this space.

“We have the meetings with the little birds.”

Alfie scoffs and scoots up his worn leather chair to his large wooden desk, covered in patches of dust and paperwork with a posture perfect back for a moment. “Not so little now eh?” He muses. “In stature or count.” He states with pursed lips and high brows full of amusement for his observation.

The project of little birds had started years ago. Now men, just like the lads he’d paid earlier were now, he had groomed these young men into spies for him in various fields. He had them for the Jewish community, various pubs and shops and corners in every class of neighborhood and at least one in each of the so-called gangster's posse’s, minus one for the boy who had been with Horne. He’d murdered him where he stood in his office the day he came back to work. In hindsight, perhaps it was a bit harsh, but it certainly sent the other boys into high gear to not have the same fate as him. Alfie felt much more in charge of his emotions from what had happened now, but as always, his sort of life would keep finding ways to make him question himself.

“I have the report here, sir. One will be in shortly with his to close off the group.”

“Why’s he late wif it?”

“Not late, only delayed from the nature of his subject. He hosts at the high tea shops in the West End.”

“Ah. Right.” Alfie nods, a twitch of whiskers over chapped full lips that sat in a tight line as he read over his tiny golden framed glasses. The reports with their code words and aliases couldn’t be read any more clearly by Alfie. It all spelled trouble. The word was out about him being behind the pillaging of Horne’s buildings. Word had spread of the less powerful Birmingham Gypsy brothers helping these acts to transpire as well. But it was known Genevieve was counted among them, being the head Shelby’s godmother to his children and that.

Sabini was annoyed by their appearance in London, but planned nothing in retort. In his words, it was reported that Horne, the bloody American, had it fucking coming. This was a general consensus it seemed, no one fond of any Americans moving in on business since the blowup years ago with the American-Italians. Not even Sabini had been safe in that fight. Americans were seen as cowboys, wildcards not to be trusted and looked down upon for their boisterous nature and inclination to assume their importance. The general consensus was fuck the Americans. At least Alfie had something in common with these men. One less in their line of work meant more for them, and with prohibition still enforced, that opened up a piece of the market to make some money in Horne’s absence. Alfie jots down notes with a hard brow to look farther into taking on Horne’s business loose ends. Beyond the professional, it seemed the consensus on Alfie and his reaction to Horne was a mixed one. Some thinking it an overreaction, some, like Sabini seeing it as earned and flex of power. Whether they thought him mad or powerful, he didn’t much care, but the signs all pointed to him being feared for it and that was precisely where Alfie wanted to stand with these men.

Onto the other subject of his almost betrothed, Genevieve, the news was not as pleasant but he had expected worse. Whispers of taking over her businesses, seeing her as weak now we’re starting to appear. Inevitable, Alfie knew but it certainly didn’t help smooth the lines in his forehead as much as it deepened them. No plans so far, it was still too soon to tell and he had done a fairly decent job as far as these papers told him of keeping her state a secret.

But the young man in front of him quickly put that ease to bed.

“The talk is that she’s gone soft. That’s she’s lame and traumatized. Forgive me for saying these things sir, they are not from my mouth.”

Alfie nods, a hand waving to dismiss the apology as his chin rests in his other hand to hurry on the boy.

“Her lack of appearance has caused much chat among the ladies as she wasn’t known for canceling or not being seen before. They know the donations are still going through, but she hasn’t been teaching or going to meetings or cooking at the children’s home. The more extreme of the rumors are, and forgive me again sir, are that she’s been sent to bedlam, pregnant with another man’s child, gone completely mad and being locked in her home and that she’s on drugs now. She’ll wander 'round the estate naked and talk to imaginary people. Most think you’ll leave her soon.” He concludes with a heavy gulp, his mouth dry from the man staring him down across the desk.

How was he going to head this off? How do you kill rumors that have a grain of truth? He knew she couldn’t go out in public yet, it’d be a long time still for that. She was currently dazed at best, mumbling to herself as she wandered the house with his cane. Her body was healing, she could walk with only a limp now. But her mind, that was another subject entirely. He didn’t know what was her, what was medication and what was trauma in that soft head of hers. It was too soon for answers and he needed them. Needed to squash out this weakness that was growing among them. But how could he show she was fine when she very much was not.

“That all?” He finally gruffs out.

“Yes, sir.”

“Good lad.” He says with a nod, his w'ords tense and his jaw tight. “Well, she isn’t lame or in an asylum someplace. She’s at home healing. Doctors orders to stay home and keep calm until she’s all better. So snuff out any other stories, eh? She’s fine, I’m fine. We are together, she isn’t pregnant. Paint a peachy fuckin portrait, yeah?”

“Of course sir.” He agrees enthusiastically.

“Good work. Keep it up and there may be more pay in your future.” He promises with only a slight lie in the words.

With a bow and thanks he exists and Alfie put his stained fingertips to his scabbed forehead and sighs. “Posh fuckin cunts. No lives. Only love to titter stories like fuckin' little girls in school to each other. Fuckin' gossips. Fuckin’...’ell.” He shakes his head and takes a deep breath. “They ain’t so much worried 'bout me, but her. Which is right fuckin' daft of 'em.” He speaks with an exasperated breath and a sweeping display of his hands. “News weren’t half fuckin' bad 'til those fuckers had to go and run their fat fuckin', cock suckin' mouths.” He huffs, brow low as he slumps into his chair.

“Awful that they’re speaking of Miss Durand in such a way. After all she’s done for them and the children.” Ollie responds with a sigh.

“Fuckin' what mate?” Alfie challenges with a sharp twist of his head his way. “Ya fuckin' soft? Ya sweet on her are ya Ollie?” Alfie's voice didn’t hold enough tease for Ollie to not tense up and stutter.

“No! No sir she’s always been a giving woman to those less fortunate and people speaking ill of her with no proof is upsetting. Not surprising at all! But still unfortunate.”

“Yeah,” Alfie drops the knee jerk flare of anger he’d been brewing up. Ollie hadn't done anything wrong. He just wanted to lash out. “The problem is, some of that is just tittle-tattle, right? But what if they did have a way to know fings?” Alfies natural inclination to be suspicious and paranoid was only being fueled by the oddly specific gossip in some instances.

“As in someone at home?” Ollie replies surprised, knowing Alfie had personally interrogated every staff member after Gen was gone. He’s assaulted a few and had found none guilty. The ruling was that someone had snuck in and posed as staff and given her the drink and then slipped out. Not having someone to burn at the stake really hadn’t helped Alfie out at the time. So Ollie was highly curious as to who would be giving information as he knew most of the staff owed Gen a great deal themselves. He knew them as loyal and grateful, but as Alfie liked to remind him from time to time, what the fuck did he know?

———

While Alfie was out gathering his information, Genevieve was at home doing entirely the opposite. The morphine made her mind a mess, but as was the nature of it, she certainly didn’t know it to be so.

Her walks in the garden, one arm held by either Aggie or Claire as they steadied her, seeing her eyes so far away despite being open and focusing on things. She spoke of children often, like they were there. No one knew what she was referring to. Claire and Aggie had their suspicions as to the cause of this hallucination or delusion, which one they were not sure yet, but neither said it aloud. It hurt them too much to speak of and they knew they shouldn’t break Gen's heart by trying to tell her otherwise. Another screaming fit, something like a child would throw wasn’t what they wanted to experience again.

Gen's reality was far different. She was on leisurely strolls in a dreamy garden. Her cheeky and precocious children hiding from her amongst the flowers and hedges. She didn’t see them all the time, or even often, but she did hear them. Calls for mama and papa, little auburn haired cherubs dashing in the corners of her eyes. She didn’t even know their names or faces but something about the thought of them made things not hurt as badly and it was easy to want to stay in the drug-induced stupor where everything was golden and nothing hurt. The reality was too much still, too painful, too much. So she stayed.

The warm, dizzy halo of morphine was only broken when the pain would break through. This was when the glow in her vision would fade and she would be reminded of how she was, in fact, broken. The physical pain acted as a gateway for the mental, for she recalled how she received the injuries and the memories would start to follow. With a wince, her caregivers knew she was coming down, it was time to rest. Her soft and bruised face was set to something besides indifference as her brow would furrow and her jaw would once again tighten with the stress that her current state brought upon her.

In these moments they would see a wounded Genevieve peek through the veil. Her eyes still dilated but the life backlit them in those hours she was lucid. Once she was herself for some brief moments they would ask her about her hallucinations and dreams, as they were both not decreasing in intensity. Any look at the bags under Alfie's eyes from being woken up by her fighting and struggling, mumbling awful reminders through the night next to him would tell the story of how she really felt whether she was willing or able to herself. Awake, the memories didn’t haunt her as heavily as they did in her sleep. With her brain desperately trying to mend itself, it kept trying to heal the parts that were broken and so it brought the memories of her time held hostage forward, inaccessible to her during her waking hours. The only comfort Alfie found in it was telling himself she was just dreaming, not reliving the trauma. But deep down he knew better. He’d been there himself. At this juncture, his body was growing weary and his spirit wasn’t far behind. The process of healing yourself was one thing, watching another attempt it was a whole other beast he had no interest in taming. And yet he found himself sleeping with it in his bed every night. A reminder of his worries and stress and failure that he could find no refuge from.

————

Alfie shoved his feet into the house shoes that greeted him at the door by the hands of maids. Taking his coat, offering him tea, he still wasn’t used to the treatment and he was starting to think he never would be.

“No, no, love.” he gruffs a young maid away with a brush of his hand. “Where’s Agatha? I’d like to know how Genevieve is before I see her.” he sighs, twisting his body and hearing the pops and cracks of age and strain, both accumulating far too rapidly for his liking.

“I’m here, Alfie.” Aggie’s tired feet shuffle around the corner, always wiping her hands on her apron when she appeared. “She’s in her room. Haven’t heard a peep from her in some time now. Which is an improvement. Short time and she’ll take her medicine again. Thought you might some time with her while she was lucid before she took it again.”

“Is she lucid?” he asks with a raised brow.

“She’s been up and around and with the usual exception of the few hours of her medicine and the strange talking, she’s been doing quite well today.” she gives an optimistic nod.

Alfie nods, a large exhalation stretching the muscles of his chest at the good news. He had been fully expecting nothing good after the gossip he’d had to mull over today. Perhaps there could be a light growing at the end of this dark tunnel for them both. “Good.” he responds, thumbing his nose with no other showing of his relief, his face sat hard and preoccupied as it had been since he’d gone back to work.

He saunters his way down the great hall to Genevieve’s wing of the house. As he does so, he sees a maid dart out of the phone room, kept near the entryway into the kitchens and back halls.

“Oi!” he shouts, her posture straightening and eyes growing wide before she turns to him. “What ya fuckin’ up to in there?” he demands with no politeness, a ringed finger pointing towards the room.

“Callin’ me sista sir.” she answers with a nod, not meeting his eyes. He couldn’t tell if it was from orders or to avoid his direct glare.

“What ya callin’ on work hours for?” he gruffs out with a rise of his chin.

“She’s only home for a short while between jobs, sir.”

“Where’s she live?”

“London, sir.”

“Where’s about?” he gives her rapid questions to read her honesty.

“Clerkenwell, sir.” she keeps her head down and hands together in front of her.

“Hmph. I ‘on’t know you do I? You’re new, yeah? Did I let you in?”

“No sir, I was brought in from another home a fortnight ago when my previous employer passed away.”

“Who was that?”

“Mrs. Hilda Gold from Kentish Town, sir.”

“Mmph.” a rub of his chin, wheels turning at knowing who her former employer was, knowing she was Jewish, but also acutely aware that she was a huge gossip. “I did not know she had passed.”

“I stayed on to clear out the estate then Agatha took me on.”

“Fine fuckin’ timin’ you showed up, eh?”

She doesn’t respond, not certain how to.

“Well get the fuck on... wait, what’s ya name?”

“Dorothy.” she says mid-turn, freezing at the man’s request.

“Well, then Dottie get back to work. No callin’ until after tea, yeah?” he oders with strong squared shoulders and a curt nod.

“Yes, sir. My apologies, sir.” she sputters out fast before disappearing into the nearest corridor.

He sticks his neck out as he passes to find her already gone, chewing the inside of his lip as he continues on with his paranoia as he travels towards Gen’s room.

Genevieve sits so eerily still, tense and afraid to make a move as she stares at the door in the dimly lit room. It’d been left that way to allow her to sleep but as it had been since she’d started getting up and moving around, coming to herself a tiny bit more every day, if she was left in the dark alone she could never sleep unless the medicine forced her to.

Alfie braces himself for nothing good, even though the state of her wasn’t poorly today. With a slow opening of the door, one that unintentionally made poor Genevieve's heart nearly beat out of her chest, he finally shows himself, eyes direct to hers as he sees her sitting up in bed.

He observes her eyes fluttering and her posture slump at the sight of him. At first, he couldn’t believe his feelings were a bit hurt by it. Then she reaches out to him with a face that actually showed something besides neutrality, sleepy eyes and barely parted lips that were pleading for him to come closer.

“‘Ello, love.” he greets, moving over to the bed and taking her hands, kissing her knuckles as he sat next to her on the edge. “You’re looking much better this afternoon.” he praises, a hand to her cheek as he watches her eyes close and her lean into his touch. A lump of fondness erupts in his gut, something he admittedly hadn’t felt since he’d gone back to work and had to compartmentalize his feelings to deal with them. He suddenly felt guilty as her hand covered his, such a tender gesture as she kissed his palm.

Unknown to him, she was flooded with a euphoric relief at his appearance. With her emotions still nowhere near stable, she begins to cry.

“Oh, pet, come now. No reason for all that.” he shushes, wiping the tears away. “What’s wrong?” he asks, picking up the pen and pad next to the bed and with shaky hands, she scribbles away.

“Be quiet for a moment and listen.” it reads, Alfie’s brow furrows, starting to question the optimism of Aggie.

“What are you on about?” he replies and Gen puts her fingers to his lips. The look in her eyes tells him she’s serious. He does as instructed and waits, eyes moving about the room, not sure what he should be listening for.

He watches her raise and her head turn to the door and stare. Much like a frightened deer.

“I don’t hear nuffin’, Gen.” he pats her arm to comfort her.

She huffs out her nose and pursed her lips. “When you’re here I don’t hear them.” She writes, her eyes back again to the door.

A pang of guilt sits heavy in his stomach at her words. “Hear who love?” He asks softly.

“Footsteps.” She communicates, her eyes scanning the bed in front of her with a clear confusion behind them.

“There are people out in the hall all day.” He says with no condescension.

She shakes her head and sighs. “Not in my wing.” How could she explain the fear the sound sent through her. They weren’t just any footsteps, they were Horne’s footsteps. She knew it made no sense. She knew he was dead, but it didn’t stop it from sending her right back to that cold and pitch black room where she was kept, waiting for him to come back and fearing what would come with him.

Alfie sees the very real concern in her eyes. He has a theory as to why she’s afraid but he’s hesitant to ask. “Does anything else make them go away?” He questions, raises her chin up to face him.

She considers it a minute. She didn’t feel afraid with Alfie there for obvious reasons, but what else took it away. “Sleep?”

“Well of course love.” He gives her a soft chuckle and kisses her forehead. “But having me here helps, yeah?”

She nods slowly, a fast one still sending her into the spins.

“Then let me help.” He suggests gently, crawling into bed with her and pulling her to his chest. “This help?”

She nods again, still feeling nervous as she rests her head to his chest. She could focus on him now, hear him breathe, feel it as well.

“Does being in the dark bring them on?” He proposes, fingers stroking her hair, his face bent towards her.

She considers it a moment, slow blinking eyes he was happy to see wheels turning behind. She gives a tap to his chest to indicate yes.

“And only when you’re alone?” He reiterates.

Another gentle tap.

He decides to get to the point, as is his nature, no matter how abrasive it might be. “When you were taken from me…” he begins. He feels her tense against him. “We’re you kept alone in the dark?”

He hears a small whimper from her, her hands now in fists.

“S’all right love. It’s over now. It can’t hurt you anymore.” He coos.

She shuts her eyes, burying her face in his chest.

“And could you hear them outside the door?”

She agrees again, a little whimper of a sound as she pushed her face into him.

He braces her, feeling her breathing grow shaky and uneven, seeing it was painfully obvious she was having trouble with dealing with the memories. Still, he persisted. “Is that what you’re hearing now? When I’m not here?”

A sob moves her upper body and she whines, fingers grabbing at his shirt, smelling still of rum from work.

“There, there, love.” he whispers, putting his mouth to her hair. “Your Alfie’s got ya innit he?” he soothes, smoothing her hair and rubbing her back. “Just memories. They can’t hurt you now. It’ll get better with time, pet.” he laments, feeling her cry in his arms. The pain from the extended panic still alive and well in her chest when she thought about her time held captive. He could feel her skin run hot beneath his hands, the only sounds he’d heard from her since she’d been back were mumbled with pain. He stares at the door as she wears herself out. Holding her like a babe in his arms, face set to an unpleasant detachment. She had so much farther to go before she could venture out. The mention of what happened and she’d fall to pieces. Not to mention she couldn’t speak yet. He was starting to wonder if it was more from physical injury or a mental one at this point.

He did feel sympathetic, empathetic even to her current state, but that harsh bit of him that pulled him through his own dark times tells him she needs to do better, to move forward. He feels impatient, knowing what those on the outside were saying. Normally he would tell any of those posh tossers to piss off with their opinions but now Genevieve was the victim of their rumors and he didn’t want her to lose the place she’d gained in society because of this. He wanted to keep things as well maintained as he could for her, and that meant taking on the stress that would normally be carried by her slight shoulders. Luckily for both of them, he was a tough old bastard who could deal with a bit of posh, West End babble easy enough. But he was more worried about what Genevieve would feel, think and more importantly do when she found out what they were saying. He had so many voices to worry about now. His own in his head, the ones in Genevieve's as well, however many there were now. He was used to listening to people talk about him, and he dealt with it in his own way But now he had to worry about what they were saying about someone else, and not just his people, not only slurs and the like, but a woman he loved. He closes his eyes, pushing his cheek against her head as he knows this will end no time soon.

@jaegeeeeer @cosettewinchester @lookuptheskyisfalling-blog@brianaisasongbird @cry5t4l-w4rri0r @jess2464 @hardygal69 @thegarrisonpublichouse @a-flock-of-angry-pigeons @pootle @negansdirtygirl22 @musingsby-night @shine-dont-shadow @inkinterrupted @vale0413 @emerald-bijou @elaenom @give-jack-a-lightsaber @ultrablackwidower @tinastarkandco @arrowswithwifi @marvelgirl7 @they-are-not-just-stories   @ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes @alitheamateur @gold-trashbag @divadinag 

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

Y/N wants Harry to open up more

2k - angsty and vulnerable Harry

A/N: for the anon who requested it! I tweaked it a little but I hope y’all like it! 

Harry knew he really fucked it up this time. He knew that he’d pissed her off when she left without telling him where she was going and he knew that she’d likely stay at a friends or at her mum’s or anywhere other than his house.

It’d happened a few times before in the nine months they’d been together. It happened when he came back from tour in 2017, it happened once when he forgot about her friend’s birthday party and came two hours late.

They’d always make up, but this time, he wasn’t so sure. And now, to make matters worse, he was alone at this fancy work function in a hotel ballroom with his hand gripped around a glass of whiskey that he sipped at every few minutes, checking his phone time and time again to see if she’d texted.

She hadn’t.

It wasn’t that he had tried to piss her off this morning. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand where she was coming from. But that was the thing about Y/N. She didn’t seem to understand that years of being closed off didn’t just change overnight.

They’d talked about it countless times. Y/N was the kind of girl who wore her heart on her sleeve. She would laugh and cry and sometimes do both at the same time. She felt everything fully, and she wasn’t afraid to do it.

And maybe Harry was jealous--maybe he wished that he could be more like that. He didn’t really know what it felt like, but he often wondered if it felt better than shoving everything down.

And he’d been trying. He was trying to be more authentic, more vulnerable, as she put it. He was trying to tell her how he felt in the moment instead of ignoring it and claiming he was fine. He was trying to be more honest with her about the things that kept him up at night.

So this morning, when Y/N asked why Harry had gotten up in the middle of the night and didn’t come back to bed, he hesitated. He didn’t really know--he thought maybe it was the fact that he’d fought with his sister the day before, or maybe it was because his manager had told him they’d need to have a conversation soon about his second album.

But he wasn’t positive, and sometimes, it felt easier to deny that anything was wrong than to find the words to explain his uncertainty.

Y/N disagreed.

“I don’t know why this is so hard for you,” she’d say. “I don’t know how you can claim to love me but still have such trouble telling me that you’re upset.”

It wasn’t that--there was no correlation between Harry’s love for his girlfriend and the trouble he had talking about his feelings. The fact that Y/N thought that only made Harry more mad. Mad enough, actually, that he felt his fingers closing more tightly around the glass in his hand.

It’d been worse since he left the band. He’d been so busy, so stuck in autopilot for his years in One Direction that Harry didn’t really have much time to feel. Instead of addressing all of the overwhelming feelings that come with a sudden rise to fame and the inevitable downfall of a boyband (fear, guilt, excitement, uncertainty, nervousness, exhaustion, more guilt, more fear, more excitement), Harry found it easier to just ignore all of them and hope he’d be alright.

Y/N, however, had picked up on that pretty quickly. And she definitely didn’t like it, either. She was the kind of girl who could talk and talk and talk about all of her feelings until she was blue in the face. She was comfortable with the uncomfortable, and despite the fact that Harry had been hoping that would rub off on him, it hadn’t.

“Y’alright?” Patrick’s voice sounded from behind him. Patrick, a friend from the label, was the only person Harry felt like he could tolerate right now. He’d alright avoided Ben and Veronica and Damien.

“Yeah, yeah,” he shook his head, rubbing at his mouth momentarily. He could hear Y/N’s voice in his head: “you’re not alright, so why lie and say you are?”

He shook the thought away, realizing that harping on the their fight or wondering what she was doing wasn’t going to do him any good. He took another sip of his drink, but this time, it burned his throat more than he’d like to admit.

He cleared his throat, offering a smile to the woman who came up behind Patrick. She started saying something about the event--the food, the venue, whatever--but Harry couldn’t focus. His chest felt tight and his head felt worse. He’d always dealt with anxiety, but it never felt this bad.

“S’cuse me, sorry,” he bowed out of the conversation, offering a wave to Patrick as looked for the nearest exit. He downed the last of his drink and left it on a nearby table.

By the time he got home to an empty house he felt worse. His stomach was in knots and his palms felt sweaty--he keyed into his house and shut the door behind him.

He didn’t know what is was--didn’t really care, either. All he knew was that he felt like shit, he was tired of feeling so disconnected from Y/N, and whatever sudden illness had taken over him made him feel on the verge of tears.

Maybe it was years of not really feeling, maybe he’d eaten something at the work event that didn’t agree with him. Either way, he was rushing for the bathroom to get sick into the toilet before he could even set his keys and wallet on the console table in his foyer.

Once, twice, three times finally made him feel a bit better. He wiped at his mouth and flushed, momentarily wishing he could do the same with the anxiety he seemed to feel day in and day out.

He let his head hang in his hands--wondering if Y/N had been right.

“All of this stress will make you sick if you don’t talk about it,” she’d said before.

Maybe she was right.

Harry didn’t really have a chance to ponder that more seriously, though, because he soon heard the door open and the beeping of his house alarm. He could hear the beeps of the correct code being punched in, he could hear her footsteps coming down the hall after she called his name.

“Harry?” She appeared in the doorway, clad in the same clothes she’d worn this morning. Leggings and a sweatshirt and her hair up. “Are you sick?”

From his spot on the floor, Harry felt pathetic. He wondered if Y/N had ever seen him so dreadfully hopeless. Probably not.

“I’m fine,” he choked out automatically, but the look on Y/N’s face made his voice falter a bit, the tightness in his chest was more extreme than it had been before. “My chest hurts,” he said after a second, his honesty immediately brought Y/N to the ground, kneeling beside him.

He could feel the tears welling in his eyes before she even reached forward to put a hand on his shoulder--but when they made contact, it’s like the floodgates opened.

“I’m sorry,” a shaky breath, “that we--fought today.”

Y/N was taken back, overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. In the nine months they’d been together, she’d never seen him cry like this. She’d never seen him cry, period. She’d seen him get angry and annoyed with her, she’d seen him slam a door. But she’d never seen him actually crumble.

“Harry, it’s okay, it’s alright,” she said quietly, scooching closer to him on the floor. She had a feeling that he wasn’t crying because they fought. Sure, she’d left and said she needed time to cool off, but she knew she’d come back. They’d had worse fights in the past, but Y/N knew when they woke up that Harry was just off. What made it worse is that he wouldn’t tell her why.

He sobbed for a second like that, her hand on his shoulder and his back against the sink. Eventually, Y/N spoke again. “What even happened, did you get sick?”

He nodded, choking back the tears that still seemed eager to pour out. “I just felt like shit,” he said, working to catch his breath as he brought his eyes up to hers. “I left early and I got home and felt like rubbish.”

“Why do you feel like shit?” She asked, her voice quiet. Harry knew it was a test, and Y/N did too. She didn’t mean for it to be one, really, but she knew the answer she didn’t want to hear.

Harry let out another shaky breath and licked his lips, the taste of salt was strong. “I think I’m just overwhelmed,” he said. “I’ve been--” he paused, unsure of the words to use. “I’ve been anxious and stressed.”

Y/N nodded, bringing her feet out from under her to join Harry on the floor. She sat opposite him, their knees touching as Harry rubbed at his eyes some more.

It seemed like most of the tears were out--it was a burst of emotion that felt so fleeting, he thought. He let out a quiet laugh, causing Y/N to meet his eyes. “That wasn’t as bad as I expected,” he said.

It wasn’t like Harry thought that talking with Y/N about these things would be terrible or miserable or cataclysmic, it’s more that he didn’t really think she’d care. Not because she didn’t care about him, but just because people didn’t seem to really do that.

Sure, he had adoring fans and friends and family and previous girlfriends and people who worked for him. But the thing that kept Harry up at night was the fact that all of those people needed him to slap a smile on his face and just get on with it. They needed him to make money to support them, make music to please them, sell records to impress them.

He certainly didn’t need to bring his own feelings into the mix--feelings didn’t sell records. Feelings didn’t make money or please fans or impress label executives.

Y/N had a small smile on her face, one that told Harry that she heard him and understood him and loved him. “Thank you for telling me that,” she said.

Harry nodded. “It’s never that I don’t want to tell you,” he shrugged his shoulder, wiping at his eyes once more to remove any trace of his tears. “It’s just that it hasn’t been a big part of my life. No one has really cared before what I feel--besides maybe my mum.”

“I know,” she spoke quietly, letting her hand trace a pattern on the fabric of his pants.

“I feel like I just learned on the road that I had to not let things get to me and just move on and make do if I wanted to be successful.”

Y/N nodded, she’d suspected that was the cause. “It might have made you successful on the road but it won’t make you successful in life.”

Harry rolled his eyes a bit--he wished she wasn’t right but he knew she was. He looked up at her for a second. Her face was soft and gentle and sweet, just like it always was.

It seemed strange to him, really, that Y/N would sit here and listen and care about what he said. Even when he’d pissed her off this morning, even when he’d gotten sick and had been crying on the floor of his ground floor bathroom. “I’m sorry--it’s just hard. It’s hard to have so many feelings and it’s hard to talk about them when you’re not used to it.”

“I love you,” she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. “Even when it’s hard.”

Harry never expected it to be easy. He didn’t expect his first real relationship to be a walk in the park. He knew that he loved Y/N and he knew that she made him a better person. He’d just never had someone so committed to loving every part of him. The good, the bad, and the difficult.

“I love you too,” he said. “Sorry I can be a bit of a twat.”

Y/N let out a fully bellied laugh at this, her eyes crinkled at the corner and she pushed herself up off the floor, reaching her arms out to help him up. “You’re more than just a bit of a twat. But I love you anyway.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #222

“hold your breath, my dear, we’re going under.”

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? No. Have you ever stayed online for a long time waiting for someone? Ha ha, yeah... I did that for Mini a lot when I was younger. Would you survive in prison? I can almost guarantee I'd find a way to kill myself, no. What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Probably ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Obsess over if I'm making eye contact correctly. Like the WHOLE time I will be thinking about it. Have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? How did you cope? I had a lot of childhood cats run over, and that was always hard to see. As for coping, I just... did. What else do you do. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. Mini skirts, slutty or stylish? Um, what you wear doesn't determine whether or not you're "slutty." They don't bother me. Do you like a partner who is clean cut or rugged? A mix. Pale or tan, which would you rather be? I like pale skin, I just don't like the texture of mine. The negative of pale skin is the fact you can see flaws more clearly. Is walking cats strange? (like walking dogs) No. What about kids on leashes? What do you think about that? That shit is wild. Teach your children better, or keep them in your sights at all times if they have some kind of condition that makes it challenging to teach them properly. How many piercings have you had, BESIDES ears, no one cares. Two. New tats in your near future? Whenever I myself have the money, my next tattoo appointment will be to enhance my Mark tribute one to better the galaxy texture. I love the guy who's done my tats so far, but there are better out there, and I don't feel he achieved my vision. This tattoo is WILD important to me; it has to be perfect. After that, a "new" tattoo probably won't happen until I have a job or I'm gifted money. How about piercings or re-piercings? "In the near future" is the criteria I'm guessing is still relevant? It depends on how quickly I lose enough weight for my collarbones to be clearly prominent to get dermals. I've been fucking stagnated for a year, though, so I don't know when the hell that's happening... Who would you like to hang out with? There's a lot of old friends and acquaintances that fit this. Next new thing you are wanting to try! Idk. Some sort of job I can actually accomplish. Would you ever visit a psychic medium? Definitely not; I don't believe they're legit. Are some days a waste of makeup? Um so idk if you know, author, but people wear makeup for their own satisfaction. If it makes you feel beautiful, then hell no it's not a waste. Do you watch any beauty gurus on YouTube? Okay I fucking adore Jeffree Star y'all. He's a goddamn Mood and inspirational as ALL hell in terms of his determination, work ethic, and open-mindedness. I watch everything he uploads ever, even though I'm not really interested in makeup. It's cool to watch though; it's an art to me. Do you have a PillowPet? No, but omfg. One of my favorite Christmas memories ever is the night my niece, when she was around two or so, was given one (or something like it?) the night before, we turned the lights out, and lit it up so the colorful stars were all over the room. She was absolutely marveling over it. That was the same night my sister revealed she was pregnant with my nephew, actually. That was a great night. Actually felt like a family. Do you have sleep paralysis? Thank FUCK no. Have you ever wanted an ex back, but found out they were dating someone? I've talked about Jason and Ashley before. God that was a bad. Bad. Fuck-ing. Time. Do you like Placebo? I don't listen to them. Has anyone ever carried you to bed? I mean as a kid, yeah. Idr as a teenager or adult. Would you rather have a wiener dog or an Italian greyhound? The greyhound. Dachshunds are precious, but as of semi-recently, I'm personally against breeding pets with damaging/unhealthy traits, and dachshunds are very susceptible to spine issues. Idk if greyhounds have any issues like that. Do your parents buy you most anything you want? Bitch we poor, no. What is the next craft you are going to make? Probably something for Sara for some special event. I don't think that's much of a spoiler, so I don't mind sharing it. Do you learn choreography easily? I was decent when I was a dance student, but no, I can promise you no. My memory is laughable. If you had to choose, would you rather be taller or shorter? Taller, I guess? Idk. Do you believe that Jesus will come back in your lifetime? No, I don't believe he ever will. What color is your winter coat? ... Shit dude, idr. Idk if I even have one, actually. What’s your favorite candy to receive on Halloween? Gimme all ur Reese's cups. Have you ever spent your birthday alone? No. Have you ever had a themed b-day party? I'm sure I did as a kid. Were you afraid of heights as a child? No. I am now tho. Which dollar store is your favorite? Here, Dollar Generals are everywhere and generally the preferred one, I believe. What food gives you diarrhea? Totally serious, most exceptionally "fancy" foods; by that, I assume things with lots of intricate spices and other ingredients. At least severe gas pains are almost guaranteed when I eat out somewhere. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Ha ha man, I remember as an elementary school student though, we had a play where I SO wanted to be Snow White. What is the most fascinating part of nature? Evolution. I don't know how I once didn't believe in it. Would you ever go vegetarian? I am serious about returning to vegetarianism when/if I get to a weight I'm satisfied with (losing weight w/o meat is more difficult than with, particularly for an extremely picky eater). I wish I could be a total vegan, but I know I'm not capable of that. Once you actually learn about slaughterhouses and farm life... no. What berry is your favorite? STRAW!!!!!!!BERRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is your dream house? Something in the woods with a nice yard/outdoor decor, flowers, wildlife... What was the reason in you crying last? PTSD. Are there any movies in the theater that you’d like to see? The new IT and Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. What do you think of Coca Cola? It's my third-fave soda. What about polar bears? Gorgeous animals. I will R I O T if they go extinct. My best friend(s) are/is... Sara. When do you want to have your first kid? Never. I am faaar from cut out to be a mother. Which stovetop burner do you use the most? I don't cook, so. The times I've made eggs, uh... I think I use the bottom right? Do you use a dishwasher or wash dishes by hand? Ugh, we don't have one. What year did you graduate high school? 2014. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I should with how paranoid I am. What is your favorite gas station? Sheetz is the way to go down here. What have been some of your best garage sale finds? *shrugs* Idr the last time I went to one. Ever worked two jobs or more at once? Hell no. I wouldn't survive. How often do you check your email? Every day, mainly for school. What would you do if your ex came to you crying? It would depend on who. "The" ex, I don't give a fuck how I feel about him, he's getting a tight-ass hug because seeing him cry is awful, and I will always care about him to a certain degree. Well actually, I'd ask him before hugging; I don't know if he'd be fine with me touching him. Girt would get a big 'ole hug for sure. Juan, Tyler, and Aaron I'd ask if they wanted a hug. I'd definitely ask any of them if they wanted to talk/vent to me about whatever is wrong; I can't stand seeing people cry. What school do you go to, what grade? I'm a super late freshman in college. How do you feel about school? It's been a drastic change in my daily life and thus has caused stress, but nevertheless I'm ecstatic to be back because I'm actually making progress towards going somewhere. Are you still a virgin? So I know it sounds like it makes NO sense w/o details, but seriously, I don't know. We had "cheaty" ways to just barely skirt around it because at the time I was abstinent, but pretty sure at some point it became sex. Do you eat chips or crackers more? Man, I haven't had chips in a loooong time... though I love them, man. We have crackers at the house usually, and I snack on them occasionally. Is your bed next to a wall? Who doesn't have their bed against at least one?? Is your bed next to a window? There's one beside me against the wall. Do you have neat handwriting? I think so. The only thing I don't like is I write SOOOOOOOOOO slow. Would you rather be a singer or a dancer? Dancer. Would you rather be a musician or a painter? Painter. What did your hair look like in high school? Long and normally brown, but sometimes I dyed it black with colored highlights. Favorite flavor of hot chocolate? Normal?? What is your top priority in life? My happiness, probably. Have you ever made a gingerbread house? Yeah. Sucky ones, but they were gingerbread houses, lol. Do you prefer candy corn or conversation hearts? EW both are gross. Skeletons or scarecrows? I'll see you in the Skeleton War, fuckers. Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? My Writing teacher. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? I did a TOTAL 180 on LGBT rights, and my former, intense pro-life stance has altered quite a lot to mostly pro-choice. What’s an achievement you hope to see humanity accomplish in your lifetime? Man, a lot... A total ban from plastic and finding an alternative for it would be great, as well as the cure of cancer and H.I.V. Make gay marriage legal worldwide. Make great progress on cleaning the oceans. I could go on and on. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? As far as personally, possibly. Like, obviously my doctors do. How do you feel when you’re the center of attention? *buys that red button that says "no" in various fashions solely for this occasion* Are you and your S/O Facebook official? She doesn't have a FB, but mine does say "in a relationship." Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Not that I know well anymore; a former best friend is in the process of becoming one, though. So proud of her. Which would bother you more: being told you’re not likable or being told you’re not sensible? Being told I'm not likable would really hurt. How many bedrooms does your house have? Two. Have you ever had a dream in which you died? Yeah. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? Not really. Everyone gets them. Do you use Snapchat? No. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? Yes. What was your first job? And how long did you work there? I was a sales associate at GameStop. I was employed for like two months, but I worked very few days before I crumbled. Where is the last place you were other then where you are right now? School. How do you feel about the last person you kissed? I adore her. Lol, Lawl, Rotfl, Lmao, or Lmfao? (Which you use most) Lmao or lol. Have you/Do you know anyone that grows weed? Not knowingly to me. Do you really care about name brands? Not just for the sake of being a certain name; I do, however, care about the quality of brands, of course, such as taste for foods or being comfortable in clothes. Describe your favorite pair of jeans to me please. I don't have any. When I was actually slim though, I had a pair of maroon skinny jeans with a black dappling texture, and there were holes in them where the fabric was just black, and I loooooved them. Those and my leather boots was A Look. To wash in the shower, do you use a loofa? That's not the technical name for what I use according to Mom when I've called them that, but rather a body sponge or something like that, but it's like the same thing. Have you ever ridden on a horse? Yes, though not at a gallop or anything "real." Just at things like school fairs. Are you polite? I think I'm very polite, honestly. Do you prefer bright or muted colors? Bright, usually. Can you roll your tongue? I used to be able to after practicing all day once with a friend ha ha, but I haven't been able to for a long time. Definitely can't now with snake eyes. Are you a light weight when it comes to alcohol? No, apparently. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? British and country. How loud do you listen to music? Too loud, I know. Are you more awkward talking to people in real life or online? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, real life. I don't think I'm half bad online. Do you bruise easily? So easily that I was tested for anemia or whatever it's called where you bleed easily (the test was negative, thankfully). Despite feeling bruised, though, I usually don't have an actual mark. Have you ever bought pre-ripped jeans? All my jeans were. I hate plain, boring jeans. What are you most likely to spend money on? Tattoos, lol... I genuinely think I'm good with money, I feel because of the financial position I've grown up and lived in, although I have never had a stable source of income, so it's hard to really determine that yet. I'm quite sure I'll be fine, but I really do hope I handle my money well when I do and don't invest all my spendable (as in, not money that I'm saving for emergencies) money into just tats. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? Welcome to my life, lol. I'm at an age where it's starting to get embarrassing, but. Idk how to change it. What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever heard somebody die of? *shrug* When was the last time you (dis)liked someone without really knowing them? I dunno. I try to not do that. When was the last time you wore a mask? What did it look like? Hell if I remember. I don't even remember wearing any on Halloween as a child. What comes up on your recommended list on YouTube? Mainly let's plays or music. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? Hell no, that wouldn't last long. How many true heart breaks have you had in your lifetime? One. Do you have any gay family members? My mom has a gay cousin. Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? Sara. Would you ever get a boob job? No; I don't care enough about them too. I wish they were smaller. I liked mine when I was a healthy weight, so, let's get back to that size, please. What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? Aaron, I think he actually is. Juan, trust me, he's not. Jason couldn't convince me he was gay even if he tried. I very highly doubt he'd be bi/pan, either. Girt, I would be surprised, but not like, immensely. I don't have a clue about Tyler and if he has any gay tendencies/history. Would you ever take someone back if you found out they cheated on you? NO SIR-REE. Do people ever compliment your eyes? Yeah. Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? I don't know. I used to feel REALLY strongly about porn just being a big 'ole fucking nope, but whatever man, we're sexual animals. Better you take care of urges yourself rather than, you know, raping someone or something. If I personally caught my s/o doing it, idk how I'd feel, but knowing me and my self-esteem, I'd feel I'd probably jump to the whole (if we were serious) "um hi I'm your fckng gf what am I not enough" thought path. I don't think I'd be livid, though. Ask the old Britt, and we would've broken up there, probably. Who’s the last person that hung up on you? *shrug* Do you have a common first name? Yeah. Have you ever been engaged? No. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Four, currently. They're gonna be covered one day. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? No. Have you ever been punched? No. What do you usually order from Olive Garden? I will, without fail, get the spicy shrimp fritas and be the happiest human being on Earth. How do you feel about bats? I absolutely adore them. Do you get excited when you learn you have to dress up? Quite the opposite, actually. What brand of hair spray do you use? I don't use it. Do you like it when guys wear hats? I have zero opinion on this. Burger King, McDonald's, or Wendy's? I prefer Wendy's. If you type for awhile, do your fingers start to hurt? No. Are you the type of person who would study for a test for hours? No, I'm not. I generally don't even have to like, intensely study; I tend to learn upon reading things, or in like math, performing the actions just a couple times. "Studying" doesn't tend to work for me; if it gets to that point, it probably won't stick, regardless of how many times I try. Are you a lazy person? I hate admitting just how lazy I am. But I mean again, it also depends on what is at stakes. Does your house have a doorbell? Yes, though I actually don't know if the doorbell works... Favorite album? Ozzy Osbourne's Black Rain. Favorite farm animal? PIGS! Has your Facebook ever been hacked? No. Do you spell gray with an A or an E? I use the American spelling ("gray"). Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? I would be perfectly and entirely happy with purely money for my birthday, because that equals tattoos, lmao. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Have you ever played laser tag? Once on a double-date with Jason and our old roommates/friends. Do you ever share things on Facebook? Almost all I do are share things I support, find funny, find as inspirational or cute, stuff like that. I can confidently say the majority of people I even have as "friends" on there do not care that much about my personal life. Is anyone you’re close to in the hospital right now? I mean, define "close." My grandmother's going through chemo, but we're not like... my definition of particularly "close," though she's close-ish family, so idk. Is your Wifi protected? Of course. What did you have for lunch today? I didn't eat lunch. How often do people write on your Facebook wall? On my birthday, lmao. Does your phone have a cover on it? No. I'd say I want one, but way more than that, I want a new phone. Mine is godawful. What color was your swim suit this year? I mean my most recently-worn is black, but I think it'd probably be too big for me now. I haven't swam in a long time. Do ladders scare you? Yes. Do you have any pictures of you and your friends in your bedroom? No. How do you eat Oreos? I'm one of those people that breaks the cookie to eat the cream first. Who or what sleeps with you? My cat Roman. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Yes, but spelled differently. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? Honestly, it's become almost embarrassing to say I was ever pro-life. I'm vehemently pro-choice now. What color LED is the display in your car? Okay so Mom's has a rainbow of options, but I think it's currently stuck on... purple? I think? How am I unsure???? I'm in it every day?????????? Who was your first kiss with? Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. What kind of milk do you drink? I'll drink anywhere between skim to whole milk, but I'm not really a fan of skim despite having grown up with it. What aren’t you afraid to stand up for? I'd stand up for gay rights if it killed me. Do you know anybody in the military? Loosely. What was the last hotel you stayed at? I don't have the slightest clue. Do you have any STDs? No. What’s your preferred salad dressing? YO the Olive Garden dressing is b o m b. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver? No. Who’s your celebrity crush? I'm almost 24 years old ha ha ha hahaha I'm too old for a celebrity crush aha hahaa haa aahha ah hahaaaaaaaaaaaaa- What color is your fridge? Black. Do you know the metric system well enough to live in Canada? No, admittedly. What was the biggest bruise you’ve ever had? Tell me the place (on your body) and the story of it! Idr. If you have Etsy account - show the very last item you added to the favorites. If not - either skip or just visit Etsy and find one thing you like: I think I have one, but I don't use it. I don't feel like looking. What would you do if you knew that you will be single to your very death (even if you’re in a relationship now)? Nothing would change...? My relationship status doesn't alter my goals and such. Are there any exchange students at your school? We have a LOT of foreign students at my school, so I'd assume so. Have you got any half or step siblings? I have three (actually four, but I don't know one tho) half-siblings and technically a step-brother, but I don't see him as a "brother," really. What cars do your siblings drive, if they do drive? My older sister has a red car, and my younger has a... black Kia, I think? It's dark is all I know for sure, and I only know the brand because it's new. I don't live with either or see their cars frequently elsewhere, so idk. What about your parents? Idk what kind my dad drives, but BOY do I know my mom's car, lmao. It's an older white Kia (I think?) with the bumper fuckin zip-tied onto the car bc it was given to us after a dance friend hit a poor deer, lmao. Look, we don't complain, shit was free. Do you like kid’s movies? Yo I do NOT trust you if you claim you like NO "kids' movie." Describe your handbag. I'm actually gonna look it up. (https://sourpussclothingwholesale.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/night-owl-bag.jpg?w=584&h=364) When was the last time you had to take someone home? ME, never. I don't have my license because I'm terrified of driving. Who was it, and where did you take them home from? N/A Have you ever known someone online and then met them in person? Sara Jaaaaaane!!! :'> There are other friends I'd like to meet, too. If so, which website did you meet on? Sara and I met via YouTube when it was actually community-oriented. Have you ever been to the beach? Yeah, multiple times. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Yeah, I guess. She didn't actually like, force me outside, but I had to call my mother to pick me up. Have you ever intentionally trolled? No. Did you get swine flu? No. What is your favorite type of cat? Aesthetically, I find Persians to be way too cute, though I don't support their continued breeding. It's literally abuse to breed animals that deformed. Do you support the LGBTQ community? I'm bisexual, so like- Have you ever eaten a veggie burger? Yeah, the Morningstar brand from Burger King (not the Impossible Burger one). It's genuinely not bad. If you could meet any major political figure, who would it be? I'm not educated enough on like, any, to properly answer this question. If you drink Monster, what is your favorite flavor? N/A Do you own any Webkinz stuffed animals? I was that Bad Bitch(tm) with like,,,, almost all of them back in the day. If so, do you have a Webkinz online account? It exists, but idr the password sobs. If you had/have a Club Penguin account, how old were you when you got it? I would have a character for like two days, not go back on for years, repeat a couple times... but idk how old I was. Do you own any Nintendo video game consoles/handhelds? GameBoys and a DS Lite, yes. What religion were you raised in? Roman Catholicism. Are you still that religion, if you had one? Far from it. What religion/spiritual path intrigues you the most, if any? Buddhism and Wicca. What ancient culture intrigues you the most, if any? Idk. Were/are you a teacher’s pet? Not like, the kind that sucked up to the teacher for their personal benefit, but if you mean just as in the teacher's favorite, yeah. Do you like pink lemonade? Hell yeah man. What’s your favorite U2 song, if you have one? I don't listen to them. Were your parents born in the United States? Yeah. Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? I want it to be perfectly and violently clear that I fucking despise you if a child being fed fucking offends you. Why or why not? Because women's bodies aren't sexual fucking objects designed for your viewing pleasure. Write an unpopular/offensive opinion of yours here. I’m interested. Buckle up, lads. Seatbelts fastened? Ass properly in the seat? Airbags in place? There are two genders.

[gemma-the-potato]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ,,  ⌲˘͈ᵕ˘͈

Gʀᴏᴜᴘ: NCT/WᴀʏV

Tᴇɴ x Hᴇɴᴅᴇʀʏ Vᴀʟᴇɴᴛɪɴᴇs Oɴᴇ-Sʜᴏᴛ

Wᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ: 2705

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This day couldn’t get any worse. Not only had I overslept and was running late for the very first classes of the year; my current roommate had just notified me that he plans on moving out. Typically this wouldn’t have bothered me greatly as we weren’t that close to begin with, however I knew I wouldn’t be able to pay for the rent without his half of the rent money. I was worried and stressed and late!

I adjusted the strap of my bookbag as I jogged up the stairs to the second floor. A few other students, like me, were also rushing to their classes. I steered around the freshmen who were just wandering around with confused expressions on their faces. I made it through the crowded hallway making a quick left turn at its end.

I was suddenly halted in my tracks when I collided with something, or rather someone. I felt my bag slip from my shoulder and crash to the floor, books and papers spilling out.

‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I’m so clumsy!’ I heard a voice in front of me exclaim.

I looked up slowly from where I was now sitting on the ground, rubbing my bruised forehead. I shook myself out of my daze, noticing that the boy had already started to collect the contents of my bookbag scattered across the floor, and also reached down to begin collecting my things.

‘No it’s okay…’ I said as I packed a few books back into my bag. I looked up and noticed that the boy was now standing in front of me holding my books out to me with an apologetic smile on his face.

‘You speak English!’ he cried excitedly at my response. I took the books he was offering from his hands and carefully packed them into my bag. I glanced at my watch only to see that I was already extremely late for my first class.

‘Yeah, and so do you.’ I replied as I put the bag over my shoulder again. I realized that there’s no point on going to my first class, since almost a third of it was over.

‘I’m Ten, it’s nice to meet you.’ he said with a smile as he reached his hand in my direction. I slowly followed his action and we shook hands.

‘My name is Guanheng, but you can call me Hendery.’ I replied with a smile.

༶•┈┈┈┈┈┈୨♡୧┈┈┈┈┈•༶

‘Hi Hendery!’ I heard a familiar voice call from behind me. I looked up from my phone and automatically turned off the screen.

‘Oh hi…’ I replied as soon as I looked back and saw who was behind me. I moved over on the bench to make enough room for Ten. The older boy happily sat beside me while sipping on his coffee.

‘What have you been up to?’ he asked me, his tone not changing a bit, even though he probably saw my lack of enthusiasm. I just shrugged my shoulders and looked back at my phone anxiously as I checked if I had any new notifications.

‘The same stuff as always.’ I said with a sigh when I saw nothing pop up on my screen. I put my phone back into my pocket and looked at my friend.

Since the beginning of this school year I had problems with my roommates. I found few people willing to live with me through the last four months, but sooner or later the few that did agree to live with me resigned for some odd reasons.

‘Still having problems finding someone?’ he asked as he sipped his coffee. His bright behavior almost irritated me. He knew this issue caused me a lot of stress.

‘Yeah…’ I told him, another sigh leaving my mouth. I leaned my head back and rested it on the bench, late autumn sun shining at my face.

‘I have been thinking…’ Ten started to speak from beside me and I only nodded to signal that I’m listening. ‘You know how I live in the dorms and stuff?’

‘Mhhmm…’ I closed my eyes to avoid the sun a bit as I focused on what he was telling me.

‘I mean living there is fun! Don’t get me wrong… but it’s a bit overwhelming with everyone speaking Chinese when I can barely ask where the toilet is.’ he continued and I kept nodding as he spoke.

‘And I talked with Kun, well not directly but with some help from his cousin Yangyang and this guy Lucas that had just moved in…’ I could hear him rumble, his voice calming my nerves a bit. I opened my eyes and looked at him, our eyes meeting. My heart beat up a bit faster as I looked away quickly.

‘What’s the point of the story?’ I asked, my voice sounding a bit annoyed. He sighed dramatically and punched me lightly in shoulder making me look at him again.

‘I was going to tell you, before you interrupted me!’ he said and I rolled my eyes at his attitude, but at the same time I couldn’t help but smile. ‘Kun said that maybe it would be a good idea for me to move in with you.’ he said finally and started to sip his coffee again.

It took me few seconds to realize what he was saying. I straightened my back quickly and looked at him with my eyes wide open. He was looking at me, trying to keep a straight face but I could see a small smile forming on his lips.

‘Wait are you serious?!’ I asked him, still having trouble believing in what he just said. He nodded his head quickly, now fully smiling.

I felt as if a huge weight was being pulled from my shoulders. I couldn’t help but feel my heart beat faster. I quickly pulled Ten into a hug.

‘Oh my God, I’m so happy.’ I said, still holding him tight. I could hear him laugh at my reaction and only then has I realized what I was doing. I pulled away quickly but I could feel my ears start to burn.

‘So...when can you move in?’ I asked him with a huge smile on my face.

༶•┈┈┈┈┈┈୨♡୧┈┈┈┈┈•༶

I heard a sound of doors being unlocked. I looked up from my book and peeked into the small corridor that leads toward the entrance to the flat.

I smiled widely when I noticed Ten walking inside. He had his bag hanging loosely at his elbow and a plastic bag in his hand. His winter jacket was halfway pulled off as he walked into the small living room.

‘Hi.’ he said with a sigh as he put down the two bags on the floor close to where I was sitting. He then shook out of his jacket and lazily threw it on the corner of the couch. Without saying anything else he sat down by me and put his head on my shoulder.

I could feel his still cold face against the skin of my neck. The sensation making me shiver. But somehow I felt a bit embarrassed and hot by how close he was.

‘What have you brought?’ I asked him, trying to not think about his hot breath on my skin. He moved his head slightly, making a bit of a distance from my neck.

‘Ah that…’ he said and lazily raised from his position. His sudden absence made me feel colder; not feeling the heat of his body felt almost wrong.

Probably not noticing my reactions to his actions at all, he reached down and picked up his bag and pulled it on his knees. He then pulled a glass wine bottle from it and handed it to me.

‘What’s this?’ I asked a bit confused as I took the wine and started to read the label.

‘We…’ he started as he reached for the plastic bag now. He quickly picked it up, while standing up from the couch. ‘Are having a date.’ he finished with a small smirk on his face.

I looked up from the bottle and stared at him, my heart beating extremely fast. I could feel the blood running quickly into my ears, making them bright red.

‘W-what..?’ I asked, not sure how to respond. I could see him chuckle at my reaction.

Without answering my question he turned back and put the plastic bag on a table that was just next to the couch. He started to unpack what was inside, not minding me having a small heart attack beside him.

I cleared my throat quietly and stood up from the couch, leaving behind only a book that has now been forgotten.

༶•┈┈┈┈┈┈୨♡୧┈┈┈┈┈•༶

‘Okay so I found this movie and it has nice reviews.’ I started to say as I walked inside the living room when I found Ten eating breakfast. I quickly showed him the screen of my phone before continuing. ‘I was thinking about us two going to cinema together tomo-..’ I said but was quickly cut of.

‘Sorry, I already watched the movie.’ he said as he stood up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. He put his plate in the sink and opened the fridge to take out milk.

‘But the movie only came out week ago…’ I said quietly, a bit shocked by his answer. I saw him drink a bit of milk from a glass before setting it on a counter.

‘Yeah but I went with Winwinie already.’ he said as he started to leave kitchen. He grabbed his bag from the floor and checked if everything was there.

‘Winwinie?’ I said quietly to myself, trying to process what was happening.

‘Yeah, Winwinie… You know, Sicheng.’ he casually said as he put a bag over his shoulder and slowly started to get ready to leave for his classes.

Of course I knew who Winwin was. Ten actually introduced him to me some time ago. Apparently they had mutual friends in Korea and because of that they became very close to each other.

‘Yeah....’ I said not really sure how to respond. Then an idea came into my head. ‘How about going to food market today after your classes? We can check out the ne-’ I said excitedly but was again cut short by Ten.

‘Sorry Hendery… I have plans for this evening already. Me and Winwin are going shopping for some things.’ he said quickly as he pulled on his shoes. I was a bit shocked and couldn’t help but feel speechless.

‘Oh… n-no, it’s cool… maybe next time.’ I said quietly and looked down on my phone. The advertisement for the new movie was now making me annoyed so I quickly turned it off.

‘Yeah, next time. Bye.’ Ten said from the corridor and soon after he was out of the apartment, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

༶•┈┈┈┈┈┈୨♡୧┈┈┈┈┈•༶

Lately I have been feeling extremely lonely. The snow of the winter was beginning to melt and yet I still felt cold. I wasn’t sure what could have caused this but whatever it was, I wanted it to disappear.

It was late at night, but somehow I couldn’t fall asleep. Whenever I closed my eyes I felt so overwhelmed by darkness and silence around me. I decided to just go into the living room and spend some time there.

It was a bit after midnight by now, and the only noise I could hear was the traffic on the street nearby. The shining neons brought some light into the living room. I laid down on a small couch and tried to fall asleep again.

But my attempts failed. This time what stopped me was a sound of the front doors being unlocked. I turned away from the source of the noise, knowing exactly who it was.

I could hear a soft footsteps hit the floor and soon the light in living room was turned on. I squinted my eyes in the sudden brightness.

‘Turn it off.’ I mumbled as I closed my eyes tightly. The sound of footsteps stopped completely.

‘Hendery? What are you doing here?’ Ten asked me from the corner of living room. I opened and rolled my eyes at his question.

‘I was trying to sleep, but thanks to you, it’s not happening.’ I said and raised from the couch quickly and started to walk back to my room. I could see Ten looking at me.

‘Are you mad at me?’ he asked and I could almost feel my blood boil. He had been avoiding me so much lately, and he has audacity to ask me if I was mad.

‘Look, I just want to sleep okay?’ I snapped at him and walked out of the living room, leaving him alone. I could hear him walk behind me but I ignored him completely.

‘I’m sorry for waking you up then. I shouldn’t come back this late but me and Winwi-.’ he started to explain himself but at the mention of the older boy I snapped.

‘You and Winwin. I know! You only hang out with him, you don’t have to mention him every damn time!’ I yelled as I turned back to face him. My outburst made him speechless for a moment.

We stood there, in the middle of hall, in complete silence for a few seconds. He looked as if he was deep in thought. I on the other hand was slowly realizing what I said and couldn’t help but feel a bit bad.

‘Sorry… and goodnight.’ I said and turned around to walk away. I started to take slow fast toward my bedroom.

‘Are you jealous?’ Ten asked from behind me quietly, making me freeze at the spot. Somehow this small question made me unable to make a next step.

‘Are you?’ he questioned again, now coming a bit closer. I felt his hand lightly touch my shoulder. This small gesture made me snap out of this transe and I quickly shrugged his hand off. I continued to walk away without a word.

‘Hey! Talk to me.’ he said and reached to grab my shoulder to turn me away. I looked at him again, my vision blurry by the strong emotions flowing inside my head.

‘So what if I am!? Will it change anything?’ I snapped at him, yelling out the words that I have wanted to say for long. He was looking at me, studying my face.

‘It will actually…’ he said as he took a step closer to me. I was actually feeling done with this whole conversation. I didn't even understand myself. Why was I so angered by it?

‘Yeah? I wonder what?’ I said now mocking him. The words left my mouth almost on their own, I just couldn't control them. Without even giving him a second I turned away, trying to end the conversation.

‘Now I can do this.’ I could hear him mutter from behind me.

Suddenly I felt his strong hand grip my shoulder and push me against the wall. I felt my back hit the cold wall. I opened my mouth to yell at him but before I could even take a breath, my lips were sealed.

He put his lips on mine slowly, gently, almost as if asking for permission. But when he noticed I didn't protest he started to kiss me more powerfully.

With every second I could hear my blood rush faster and faster through my veins. The burning sensation of someone else's skin so close to mine was oddly calming. I felt my eyes close, I tried to focus as much on the feeling as possible. I wanted to keep it in my mind and always remember it in case it didn’t happen again or if it was just a dream.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed before Ten pulled away from me slightly. His breathing was irregular, the skin on his neck bright red and his eyes sparkling. I tried to catch my breath still feeling my lips tingle.

‘Who would have known…’ he whispered as he leaned towards me again and rested his forehead on mine. I was looking him straight in the eyes, still doubting if what has just happened was real. ‘That me hanging out with my friend would get you so mad.’ he said with a chuckle.

I rolled my eyes and pushed him away slightly but he quickly returned to his place close to me. I felt his hands travel down my shoulders, gently touching my bare skin making me shiver. He took my hand in his, slowly combing his fingers through mine.

He pulled one of my hands up and kissed the back of it gently. I looked away from him, not sure how to react. He chuckled and leaned forward even closer. His face was now just beside mine and I could feel his hot breath on my neck.

He pecked the lower part of my jawline, again making me melt at the sensation. I let out a shaky breath, my hands gripping his hard.

Ten got closer to my ear and let out a small breath before whispering in a hushed voice.

‘Happy Valentines…'

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ,,  ⌲˘͈ᵕ˘͈