#but yeah omg i spent the last 2-3 days just committing to getting this finale done

[bluegiragi]

konig is very good for ghost and soap in the soapbox saga finale <3

read the full comic (29 pages) on patreon!

[tartrazeen]

Random HankCon Reverse AU Post

I wrote this on Discord some months back, and very luckily somebody fantastic helped me out by finding it! <3 <3 <3 The context was around the HK series already being a canonical type of android in the game: it's a housekeeper model, like the HK-400 Connor hunts down in his first investigation with Hank. So from that, everyone was discussing a reverse AU where Hank was an HK housekeeper, Connor was an overworked older brother taking care of his younger brother, and one of them was proposing that Connor just rent an HK to help around the house and take the load off. And from that, I came up with this roughly described - but still fun and angsty - concept. Picture reading it as I wrote it: mid-conversation, and butting in to slap this idea onto everyone. :D

Omg - Hank helping out enough in just a few ways by making lunch or something, or dinner for the next night, and Connor actually having time to go to sleep and spend time with both of them. Or Hank activating a Cranky Child Up Past His Bedtime protocol and making Connor go to bed, because the poor guy doesn't have an off-switch when every single case just needs a 'few more minutes' for him to crack it.

Connor having such a rough week that his little brother saves up cash from - pfft, I dunno, what's stupidly diabetically sweet enough for this - recycling beer bottles from around the neighbourhood, purely to rent Hank for Connor's sake AND THEN IT BECOMES LIKE SOME KINDA WEIRD-ASS DATE THAT NEITHER OF THEM SEEM TOO INTERESTED IN ENDING But then - then - they get into a bit of a routine like that. Connor's happy enough to rent Hank when his little brother needs him, but now it's grown into a... "Okay, fine, if I need him too, then that just helps both of us. That's okay." ... And then one day, his little brother's staying at a friend's house or something, and Connor's - just... bored? Lonely? Tired? He's not sure. But he flicks over to a website, sees Hank is available, and decides to rent Hank really just for himself. And it's the first time that's ever happened without a kid in the house or without Connor himself being too exhausted to function, so it officially becomes a weird-ass date of them hanging around. Maybe going outside to get air. Whatever happens. Now here's where I can draw upon some more IRL bullshit: water heater rentals. These things last ten years, you pay $40 a month to rent them, but at the end of the tenth year, you'd still have to pay to buy it out. And that - despite everything you pay - could still cost like $6,000. Even if you bought the thing outright, it would've cost $5,000.

I say that because I imagine Connor getting to the point where he's thinking... he might buy Hank. Whenever rental products go up for sale, there's usually a steep discount, so he thinks it won't cost too much. No one else rents Hank as much as he does anyway, and he's not sure how much he's spent, but surely that would knock the price down. He's still very much trying to think of this as a practical transaction to manage the purchase of a machine, after all. Except Connor is the one asking to buy Hank. The company isn't offering. So the sticker shock at the price is - just... unbelievable. To the point that Connor very much regrets even opening his mouth. And the nanny company says it's that or they throw Hank out, because - just the IRL - they can't be seen selling Hank cheaper or giving him away when they're done with him, or they'd never make any money. "People would just wait until he's thrown out and go dumpster diving." So now we have a ticking clock and Connor has a bill to pay. We could do two things from here: 1) Connor gets the money (spoiler). It isn't easy. He's already doing all the overtime he's allowed because he's volunteered for it - he can't afford to let something like sleep get in the way of catching a murderer - so he's making the most that he can. He doesn't have any vacation or sick days to cash in because he's used them all whenever he's burnt out; that's probably why he looked into getting Hank in the first place. And it's not like he has time to get a second job or anything. It's his little brother that asks, "Do we really need a car?"

So they both start selling everything. They don't really need a crappy couch. This table's been wobbly since day one. A garage full of crap that is coated in dust and grime is just enough to get them over the edge of it. And it's a weird feeling, bringing a nanny-bot back to an almost empty house. Connor might comment on how there'd be a lot less to clean, which is bullshit, but the best he can in defence of it all. So Hank takes it for what it is, slowly appreciating exactly what this meant for all of three of them. It's an empty house that's quickly become a full home. 2) Connor doesn't get the money (yesssssssssssss) Because there's just no way to pay that. It's ridiculous - even if he could afford it, he should still be arresting these people, because this is an obvious robbery. He can't make that last leap to admit this is more than a machine to help around the house, and the company - just... "Okay. You have three days to change your mind if you're interested." His little brother tries to get him to. He asks if Connor can just sell the car. Not only is that a bad idea, because how else is Connor going to get to work, but who's going to pay that much for it anyway? It's not worth it, Hank is a walking piece of plastic programmed to be friendly, and if they need a nanny-bot so bad, they can buy a new one for a third of what the rental company is charging. On the second-last day, his little brother tries the ol' "Rent Hank for Connor's sake" trick. It's a last-ditch effort to get Connor to admit that they would all feel awful losing Hank, machine or not. He's real enough to them, right? Wrong. Plastic. Money. Facts. Connor's more pissed that his little brother wasted more cash that could've gone towards paying a price they would never be able to afford anyway, and walks off to let his little brother hang out with the android for a last night. He doesn't want to draw this out for himself, and Hank had better be gone by the time Connor comes home.

Connor doesn't do much. He mostly just walks around for hours. And for way too long - eventually, he's at a park, and there's Hank emerging from the snow (oh yeah, it's snowing) to gently wait there in silence. That goes on for long enough for Connor to accept that he's going to miss Hank. It's a short conversation, and Hank's used the Cranky Kid protocol for Connor to know to start heading back, but that's all Connor says: "We'll miss you, I guess. Thanks." Hank is gone by the time Connor wakes up. The house is quiet, his little brother has his breakfast, and Connor has his lunch made. And that is what really gets to him. Hank - over and above his programming - once again took care of Connor, too. Those walls that were already dropping finally drop the rest of the way, and knowing perfectly well that he's too late, he calls the rental company up to ask if there's a payment plan or some extension or anything he can do to keep Hank. There is! Fortunately! And if Connor would like to arrange that for any of these other rental androids, the company can certainly help. What about Hank? Well, this is a business. They had a deadline and costs around that deadline, so they couldn't keep waiting around forever in the hopes that some family changed their mind about buying a standard android. It's unfortunate, but yes, Hank was appropriately disposed of. Would Connor like to buy another android that looks like Hank instead? Connor hangs up before they can give him the full sales pitch. His little brother notices. His work notices. Everyone notices that Connor's different lately. He's reached an almost terrifying level of laser focus on his work. He has all the time he wants to catch all the bad guys he feels like, and he does because who's going to stop him, really? And it goes like that while his little brother keeps asking for Connor to rent a different android, or to just buy one that's like Hank. On and on and on and on and on and on and on until Connor finally just loses it, dumps his phone on the ground, tells his brother to do whatever the hell he wants so long as he shuts up, and storms back out. He's out there for hours in the cold, half to spite Hank's memory - that he's become painfully reliant on for reasons he ascribes to guilt - and half because he knows it's not only guilt he's feeling. Everything tingles. His fingers, his nose, his ears, and he's at least considering going home to his car so he can warm up without having to do a walk-of-shame back inside. He's saving that for when his brother's asleep. This is roughly a minute before he notices Hank walking out in the snow. Not Hank. Not exactly. It's another android that looks like Hank, and that jolt in Connor's chest twists into a searing ache again. He's changed his mind and he's out here entirely for spite now, because his little brother must've called his bluff and rented another nanny and sent him to drag Connor home.

He's committed to that until Hank mentions the number of times Connor's tried to fight him on going to bed, and the grand total of zero times that Hank's lost this fight. Hank's very good at this. He's had to deal with a lot of rough families and teenagers. Hank remembers that because each family has a profile saved based on every visit: preferences, schedules, the kids' needs, memories... They've always been backed up. It's a business, after all. It takes Connor a few minutes to get it. He's still trying to decide if this android is real or not, let alone... his Hank. And Hank is perfectly willing to keep coming back to convince him. And he will, every time, for as long as Connor keeps a copy of his memories. ... But it is going to be after Connor is in bed. Connor's never been happier to get dragged away, kicking at this 1.98m cuddle-bear the whole time.

[spartanguard]

(love will see us through these) Dark Days [CSRT; 7/7]

Summary: A century ago, the United Realms of Pomem had been a land of peace, prosperity, and magic. Until war tore the land apart, leaving behind cruel leaders and even crueler laws regarding the use of magic. And each year, the youth of each realm are subjected to a fight to the death, both for entertainment and to weed out anyone capable of wielding magic. In the 99th Magic Games, past victors Emma Nolan and Killian Jones find themselves serving as mentors, while Alice Gothel and Robyn West end up representing their realm. Everyone has secrets; everyone has something to lose. Who will win? Who will die? Just don’t forget: all magic comes with a price.

rated M | 6k words | part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | AO3

A/N: OMG IT’S THE LAST CHAPTER!! Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on it; I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed it! I don’t exactly have a timeline for the next story yet, but I’ll probably start working on it when I’m done with my CSSNS commitments. And thank you again to @captainswanbigbang​ for giving a great venue to revisit this, and to @optomisticgirl​ for being an amazing beta. Title is from “Safe and Sound” by Taylor Swift and the Civil Wars. Enjoy!

CHAPTER 7—Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound

The trip home was...weird. That was the only way Robyn could describe it. It was the same train, and the same views of Pomem flying by outside, but in reverse—which felt poetically appropriate (or something like that; she wasn’t great at writing).

Because this trip was a complete 180 from the previous: last time, she knew there was a very decent chance she was being carried away to her death; to have escaped that—and lived through everything—definitely carried a sense of relief with it, but she also knew she wasn’t the same person she was a few weeks ago. 

Granted, it was a much better 180 than the one most of the other tributes had taken: leaving home alive and well and heading back in a coffin.

(Could there actually be that many 180s from the same point? She wasn’t great at geometry either.)

(God, she was probably going to have to go back to school, wasn’t she? Ugh, being 16 sucked.)

She knew that a whole different life was waiting for her in Sherwood, but how she was supposed to build it on the foundation of her past was what she hadn’t figured out yet. There was probably a house waiting for her and her mom in Victor's Village—whichever one they wanted, most likely, given that Eloise and Alice were the only other living Victors. She wouldn’t have to go to work in the textile factories or cotton fields like everyone else was expected to, and she didn’t even have to follow her mom’s footsteps into midwifery if she didn’t want to. She’d probably have to become a mentor, once she finished high school, but that was far from a full-time job. 

Hell, she was even nervous about seeing her mom again. As much as she’d felt a pang of jealousy at the fact that Alice had her mother—well, both parents—with her, as stilted as her relationship was with Eloise, and as much as Robyn desperately wanted to fall into her own mom’s hug and never leave, she wasn’t sure it would hold the same comfort it used to. 

She was going to be vaguely poetic again: she was standing on a precipice, but couldn’t see past the edge. 

That was semi-literal; the train was going through mountains, so there was stone on one side and a sheer cliff over forest on the other. The sun was making its slow ascent and Alice was snoring in the bed, feet away. 

Technically, they had their own cars, but neither of them really wanted to be that far from each other; they’d done that enough after the games. They'd spent the last couple days of the ride talking, cuddling, kissing, and getting to know each other in a somewhat normal manner—like people usually do when they're not caught up in a death match. She knew now that Alice's favorite color was light blue, like the spot where the sea meets the sky; that her favorite place was her father's ship; and she had this adorably ticklish spot on her hip, right at the juncture of her thigh bone. (They hadn't just kissed...they were still teenagers, after all.)

And on her end, she’d been able to tell Alice about helping her mom with births when she was growing up and how that made her never want kids; about how her favorite color was orange, like a sunrise; and about the father she’d never met, but grew up in the shadow of. 

“God, I can't imagine not having a papa,” Alice had said. “What happened?”

“He died in that big fire that knocked out Factory 21 when we were babies. He was trying to get other people out when a beam collapsed on him.”

“Oh my god; I'm so sorry. Your poor mum!”

Robyn had to shrug at that. “Well, he and my mom were never formally together, same as your parents. He was actually a widower and had another kid; you know Roland, the groundskeeper?”

“Yes! Oh my god, he has the curliest hair.”

“He's my half brother.”

“Oh, wow.”

“Yeah, he went to live with his mom's relatives after the accident; I was only a couple months old, so I was already with my mom. There was some drama with the settlement money being split between me and Roland, so he and I aren't close at all. All I've got are my mom’s stories, and what other people have said. And apparently my skill with a bow; I guess he was a great shot.”

“Hey, that's a pretty great way to honor him—using that to win the games.”

“I guess.”

The one thing they hadn't managed to talk about at all, though, was what came next—for them, as a couple. Robyn loved Alice, she knew—but she was also a teenager and so much could change. If she had all these other questions about her future, was Alice going to be a constant, or a variable?

(She did okay at science.)

Even though she’d only been around him for a tiny bit, she kind of wished she had Killian to talk to, like Alice would. He seemed like the kind to dispense good fatherly advice.

Or he’d pass judgment on the person who was dating his daughter. Hard to say.

At least she had access to the next best thing: Eloise. To be honest, Robyn was still intimidated by her, even if they were kind of on equal footing now, at least socially. There was just this...aura she gave off, or something, that set Robyn on edge. But if they were going to be part of each other's lives for the foreseeable future, one or both of them would have to get over that.

And this was the last leg of their journey home so she should probably do it sooner rather than later. 

She grabbed a robe and slipped it on over her Olympus-provided pajamas that she had definitely stolen, gave Alice a kiss on the cheek that she didn't notice (and she probably wouldn't be awake for another few hours), and quietly slipped out of the train car to the next one—the club car.

Robyn had figured it’d be a good place to get a bite to eat and wait for Eloise to wake, but to her surprise, her mentor was already there.

“Uh, hi—good morning,” she stammered, afraid to move for some reason. “You’re up early.”

“Actually, you are,” Eloise answered. “I’m kind of surprised after what you two got up to last night.”

It was still pretty dark in the car, which was good because Robyn’s cheeks were probably the color of the hibiscus tea Eloise was drinking.

“I’m not judging; just...consider your volume in the future.” She was smirking; what did that mean? God, she should just turn around now. Or better yet, throw herself off the moving train. But it would be pretty silly to come this far only to die of mortification.

“Take a seat; grab a bite. You won’t get food like this at home.” Eloise gave her a pointed look with her invitation that told Robyn she didn't really have a choice here, so she complied, taking a seat on the other side of the table and reaching for a muffin.

She picked at it while working up the nerve to ask her questions—or even remember what they were—when Eloise spoke up. 

“I get the impression this wasn't just a casual social call,” she said, eyeing Robyn and then taking a sip of tea. “Are you wondering what comes next?”

“Uh—yeah, actually; how did you know?”

“Because I’m a mother, even if I’m not particularly maternal. And because I had that same kind of nervous energy after I won my games.”

Robyn chewed her bite of muffin—was that blueberry green tea flavored? Dang—while deciding where to start. It probably made sense to start with the hardest one. “How...how did you go back to your mom?”

Eloise’s brow furrowed, and she took another long sip of tea. “To be honest, I’m still not sure. My mother was a firm believer in being one with nature, in pacifism; I sometimes wonder if she didn't want me to win at all—if she would have preferred I be killed instead of doing the killing. I could barely look her in the eyes when I got off the train.” 

She paused to take another sip, but a lump was caught in Robyn’s throat—that was exactly how she felt right now. 

“But she shocked me—she just lifted my chin, smiled at me, and pulled me into her arms. Mothers have a large capacity for forgiveness, you know.”

Robyn scoffed. “You haven’t met my mother, though.” To say Zelena West could hold a grudge was putting it lightly; they could only go to certain shops in town because of the petty fights her mom had picked.

“Oh no, I have. Who do you think delivered Alice?”

Robyn’s jaw dropped. “Seriously?”

“Mhmm. I think you were a few months old at the time, and she was pretty desperate to get back to you—but Alice was taking her sweet time.”

“I can see that,” Robyn giggled.

“But she finally made her appearance, and your mum told me that becoming a mother was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Now, personally, I’m not sure I can say the same, but I have to assume your mother still believes that, and is just going to be happy you’re home.”

“But...I'm not the same person I was then. The things I’ve done…”

“She knows, Robyn. Everyone saw it. And she’s still going to love you and be there for you.”

That made Robyn feel a bit better, but an awful question came into her head. And she couldn’t hold it back. “Is that how you feel about Alice?”

Eloise finished her tea, then set the mug down. “I’m terrible at showing it, but yes. Motherhood was never something I wanted, but it got me out of a situation I wasn't happy with. We may not be close—and we’ll never be as close as she is with her father—but I’m still proud of her.”

“Good. You should be.”

Eloise smirked at Robyns matter-of-fact statement. “Oh? And why is that?”

“Because Alice is awesome!” Robyn blurted out. “She’s sweet and funny and kind and amazing and—”

She was cut off by Eloise’s laughter. “Alright, I believe you. I had my doubts there, but you’ve convinced me.”

“What?” Hold on—doubts? “Convinced you of what?”

“That you really love her.”

Robyn was dumbstruck. “You didn't think so before?”

Eloise leveled an unamused look at her. “Robyn. You and I are more similar than you think. You can see strategy beyond your emotions; Alice...can’t. Not as well.”

“You think...I was faking?”

“I wondered.”

That muffin was threatening to come back up.

“I’m glad it’s real though; that makes the future easier.”

“Easier?”

Just then, the door swung open, and a groggy Alice stumbled in. “Oh, there you are,” she said, smiling sleepily; Robyn’s heart skipped a beat, it was so cute.

“Hey,” she said, suddenly shy.

“Good,” was all Eloise could say. “You both probably need to hear this.”

Alice flopped down on the plush seat next to Robyn. “Hear what?”

“How the rest of your lives are going to go.”

Alice had been slathering marmalade on toast, but slowed her roll, her eyes growing wide. “What do you mean?”

“You know this can't end, right?” Eloise asked, pointing a condescending finger between them. “This is who you are now: the Star-Crossed Lovers of Sherwood, defeating all odds to get their happy ending.”

Under the table, Robyn reached for Alice's thigh and squeezed. “But we’re only teenagers. I don't...I don’t think my feelings will change, but...” She made a point to not look at Alice when she said that, scared of what might  be on her face at a statement like that.

But, to her surprise, Alice was the one to reply. She sighed, saying “No, she’s right; the games are never over. Whatever happens between us, Olympus is only going to want to see one thing.”

“What, us?”

“Yeah,” Alice said, a bit sadly, breaking Robyns heart. “Why else do you think we’ve had to keep it a secret that I’m Killian Jones’ daughter? There’d be no more privacy ever for my family; and it’d break all sorts of laws.”

“They’d stop caring at some point, right?”

Eloise shook her head. “Look at the Misthaven dynasty.”

Everyone knew about the Nolan family—David and Snow, who won and fell in love; then their daughter Emma, who fell in love with another victor and had a son; god, that kid was doomed. But they were still the focus of a lot of attention during the games, and even more once Snow became the mayor there. They might as well be royalty.

Shit, was that Alice and Robyn now?

“Damn.”

“Yeah,” Alice agreed.

“But what if—what if it doesn't work out?”

Alice was quiet while Eloise answered. “It has to. Unless you want bad things to happen.” Abruptly, she stood then. “If you excuse me; I need to make sure I’m packed before we get home.” And she left an incredibly awkward silence behind her in the car. 

Alice picked up her toast and finally ate it, and Robyn finished her muffin. Alice picked up another piece of bread, and the knife for the marmalade, but that probably wasn't even sharp enough to cut the tension between them. 

She tried anyway though. “Do..do you really not think we’ll make it?” she asked quietly.

“I…” Robyn started, but she really had no idea what to say. “I...want to,” she settled on. “But I’m also only 16. I don't even know what I want to do next week.”

“That’s not the same and you know it,” Alice said through a mouthful of toast. She chewed and swallowed, then continued, “I know we’re young, and I know our lives are going to be crazy from here on out. but one thing I'm certain of is you. And I don't want pity or anything, and I don't want to find out you only feel bad for me or something, or you just did it for the games, and that’s why you like me back. And—ugh!” she yelled, throwing her toast at the table and grabbing at her cuff. 

This wasn't the first time this had happened: anytime Alice got overly emotional, something happened with her magic that caused a painful reaction with the cuff; in a calm moment, she’d explained that her magic was tied to emotion, so it seemed that whenever hers got out of control, its attempts to rein her in ended painfully. 

“Hey, I've got you,” Robyn said quietly, moving closer and pulling Alice into her arms. 

But Alice pushed back. “No; not now,” she barked, then winced. “I'm going—I need my mum. I’ll see you later.” She was up and out of the car faster than Robyn could protest.

Well, fuck. She’d made a mess of that, hadn’t she?

And out of all that, the worst part was watching Alice walk away.

Maybe they needed some space; maybe that would help. She’d try to talk to her when they got home—when things were less tense. 

But her appetite was pretty well gone, so she got up and followed the other two out. She didn't go to Alice’s car, though; she kept going to hers, little used as it was. She probably needed to pack, too, and get dressed and all that. They’d be home in just a few hours.

It was funny; barely an hour ago, she’d been scared about that, and now, all she wanted was her mom.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

Killian always hated this part of the games. Not like he really enjoyed any of it, but escorting the bodies of two children to their waiting parents was a burden he loathed carrying.

Ariel knew to avoid him while they were traveling home; that was the only time he really let the emotional toll of the games envelop him. It typically involved him spending some quality alone time with however much of Olympus’s good rum his sticky fingers had nabbed. As a consequence, he usually didn’t remember much of the trip.

He knew they were close to home when the trees flying by his window began to thin and he saw the reflective glimmer of the ocean on the horizon. (Also, he’d finished the last of the rum.) There was still a boozy fog clouding his perception, but the disastrous state of his sleeping car told him that he’d been exceptionally violent toward the sheets and furniture this year.

Which was to be expected, honestly. Other than his own games, and maybe Liam’s, he’d never been put through the wringer as roughly. He prayed to whoever was listening that the games would never be so terrible again. Maybe he could persuade Nemo to come out of retirement for next year so he could stay home; Gold might not like that, but fuck him. 

Gods, even just the thought of the man sent a shiver down Killian’s spine that had nothing to do with the epic hangover he was nursing. When Archie mentioned that Belle had been in the company of the president, it immediately drew his memories back to Milah. She was never far from his thoughts during the games, but the thought of Gold’s attention being directed at another beautiful, unsuspecting young woman—and how it might end for the lass—brought back anger he hadn’t felt in some time. It was a blessing Emma was there and knew to remove him from the situation. 

Finally being able to release all the fear he’d felt for Alice was equally cathartic. And not just during the games: from every reaping prior, from Olympus finding out about her parentage, and all the normal parents’ fears—though some remained, obviously. Watching and helping her navigate the next step of their insane lives was going to be interesting.

And then there was Emma. His fingers drifted to his lips; he was fairly certain he could still feel them tingling from her kiss, even days later. (It might have been the rum, but he liked to imagine otherwise.) It had completely taken him by surprise, yet somehow also hadn’t—like it had been the release they both needed after the days of tension. In his stupor, his mind had taken it even farther—envisioning scenes of passion between them that made his heart (and other parts) stutter. He knew it was all sorts of impolite and improper, but knowing she wasn't actually in love with Graham seemed to give his dreams free rein.

There was definitely something there between them. He couldn’t quite place what, but she stirred something in him that hadn’t reacted in a long time. He wouldn’t dare say his heart—not romantically, at least; as far as he was concerned, that part still belonged to Milah.

But maybe, just maybe, Emma was the one who would finally help him move on from her memory. And that terrified him just as much as losing Milah all over again.

The train slowed down, and he forced himself to pull it together. Making sure he was properly dressed and looking not-too-disheveled, he gathered his things and found Ariel in the windowed caboose.

“Feel better?” she asked, with a look on her face somewhere between concern and amusement.

“Aye, I might make it another year.”

“Anything you want to talk about?” She was definitely trying to get at something. Why was there a sparkle in her eye?

“I doubt there’s much to talk about, love. You likely heard the worst of it.” He had a tendency to do a lot of shouting in the condition he’d been in.

“Yeah, you could say that,” she said with a knowing smirk. “Don’t worry; I won’t tell Emma.”

Bloody hell.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

The sun was at its peak, but it struggled to break through the thick canopy of trees. Emma inhaled the strong pine scent; it brought her some temporary relief as she descended the steps from the train platform.

Home. She was home.

“Mom!” Henry’s voice called out to her, and she quickly scanned the small crowd gathered at the station until she found her son’s dark-haired head bobbing towards her. She couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face as she dropped her bags and scooped him into a tight hug.

“I missed you,” he said into her shoulder.

“I missed you, too, kid.” She could have stood in her son’s embrace for hours had Graham’s voice not broken through just then.

“What, I’m invisible?” he joked. Henry let go of Emma and raced toward Graham. 

“I missed you, too, Dad.” Graham responded with a warm smile and a strong hug.

Emma wished the moment wouldn’t end, but she became intensely aware of eyes on her. She hesitantly looked up, and met the gaze of Marco, August’s father; Tamara’s family wasn’t far behind him. This was the part she was dreading.

It didn’t help that she’d just had her own reunion with her son right in front of them; how cruel. She nudged Graham with her elbow and said, “Henry, can you go wait with your grandparents? Your dad and I have something to take care of before we go home.” Her son ran off to her parents, who were waiting in the street.

Graham wordlessly grabbed her hand and squeezed; she didn’t have to look at him to know he wasn’t excited about this part, either, but they owed it to the families. 

Marco, painfully, thanked them for doing all they could; he was sincere, but it was hard for Emma to hear that; she’d already spent half the trip home wondering what she could have done better. Not that anyone really stood a chance against the Sherwood girls, but she was her own harshest critic. 

Tamara’s family was thankfully a bit more reserved. Knowing they were angry about it was probably better, since Emma was. She didn't want forgiveness; she wanted to do better. (Though, in reality, she wanted to never have to do this again.)

At least they were there, though. Every time she was here after the games, she flashed back to when Neal—well, his body—came home, and she was the only one to claim it.

Dark Knights were in charge of unloading the caskets, and Emma couldn't stick around for that; that was too much. So she and Graham excused themselves to where her parents were waiting.

“You did great,” her mom said as she hugged her. It didn't make Emma feel any better, but she supposed her mom knew better than anyone how she felt right now.

“And there's always next year,” her dad added, pulling her into his arms and cradling her head like he always had. It didn't matter if she was a full-grown adult with blood on her hands; that always made her feel better. 

With the hellos done, they started the short walk back to Victor’s Village and their side-by-side houses. Just as Emma expected, her mom asked for a full run-down of everything that happened; they may be happily retired, but Snow would never be fully able to pull herself out of the gossip of the games. 

“And the new victors! What are they like?”

“They're sweet,” Graham said; Emma had to hold back a scoff that anyone who won the games could be called that, but it did seem to be the case for Alice.

“Oh, good; they seemed to be. Eloise's daughter seems so different from her—which is probably a good thing. God, I just can't believe they weren't going to let them both win; that was heartbreaking.”

A very belated realization hit Emma: that must have been what Eloise and Jefferson were planning that night in the Game Center, when she and Killian brought the burn medicine. How was she just now seeing that?

(Probably because Killian was clouding her memory. For reasons. Fairly obvious ones.)

“Oh, and Killian! What was it like working with him?” God, her mom’s timing couldn't be more annoyingly perfect, could it? 

“It was great,” Graham answered, looking at her with a sly grin. “He knows what he’s doing, and actually, he and Emma worked great together.”

She promptly elbowed Graham in the side. She’d told him about the kiss—she had to—and he was way too encouraging about the whole thing. 

“Oh really? That’s so wonderful; those relationships are so great to have.” Her mom then rambled on about the people she would ally with over the years, but Emma’s mind stopped paying attention at the word ‘relationship’. Even if it was being used platonically, something in her read more into that.

Regardless of Graham’s reaction, what she’d told Killian was true: it had to be a one-time thing. Even if she’d see him again in a year at the next games. And the ones after that, and so on until she retired. But that wasn’t sustainable—a once-a-year fling? No. There were probably people who did that, but Emma couldn’t. Her heart wasn’t that flexible. 

Unbidden, her mind imagined what it could be like, though: sneaking away for quick encounters, the feeling of that taunting chest hair against her skin...no. It wasn’t gonna happen. But, goddammit, why did he have to have a sweet side? Why did he have to understand her so well?

“Mom, you alright?” Henry asked; she jolted at his voice, and then realized they were home. 

“Yeah, kid; just thinking about stuff.”

“I get it,” he said, in a tone that was far more mature than any 11-year-old had a right to be speaking in. “You had a long couple weeks.”

“Yeah, that's one way to put it,” she agreed. “But I'm glad to be home.”

“I'm glad, too,” he said, with a grin that looked more and more like his father’s every day. 

She shook her head, either to shake away the ghosts of the past or the ones that had been following her since the train pulled out of Olympus.

The only person she needed was Henry. 

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

Twelve years ago

Neal Cassidy was handsome, charming, sweet—everything a 16-year-old girl would fall for. And Emma had fallen—hard. He was her first kiss, her first love, and he was even polite to her parents, who had initially been a bit wary of the boy who had a reputation as something of a delinquent. 

(But, honestly, that was another part of his charm; Emma had been forced to be the image of grace and class ever since she was born. With Neal, she found a bit of freedom from that imposed burden.)

They were already sweethearts when her name was pulled at 16. He left her with a deep kiss that was part of her motivation to keep going in the Games (that and, you know, not wanting to die). And the first thing she did when she arrived home after winning—at least, in private—was return that kiss with all the passion of someone who had been on death’s doorstep but survived. 

For the next year, they were hardly out of each other’s company, save for her victory tour. The night before the next reaping—before she was expected back in Olympus—she gave herself to him, with no regrets.

“I just want to make sure you won’t forget me over the next few weeks,” she’d told him, winking.

“As if I could I ever,” he assured her.

But then his name was chosen the next day. And now it was her turn to give him a passionate kiss goodbye. (And again on the train...and in Olympus...and right before he left for the games.)

As his mentors, her parents did all they could to keep him alive. They were hoping for a repeat of their own story: both victors, able to go home and have a happily ever after. Emma desperately wanted to help, but there was nothing she could do but watch. 

And there was nothing anyone could do when the knife held by the Oz tribute found Neal’s back, again and again. Emma had watched helplessly from the Tribute Castle as the love of her life was murdered.

She barely remembered what happened after that; it was a good thing she had been trained to put on an act for the cameras since before she could talk. Pomem was a blur outside the train window, realms flashing by as she recounted their last shared moments. And she cried—she cried a lot. Somehow, her parents kept her from dehydrating, but knowing that his lifeless body lay just a few cars away...well, that just got her going again.

When they got home, she retreated to the woods, where they’d spent so many days running, exploring, kissing—all that fun stuff. The one perk of being a victor was that she didn’t really have any other responsibilities, so as long as she came home before dark, people let her be.

At least, until she started to get sick.

And when she realized that certain monthly things hadn’t happened in a while.

The doctor confirmed her fears: she was pregnant. With Neal’s child. (And then spent the rest of the day sobbing into her mother’s shoulder.)

To save face, they said Graham was the father; it gave Olympus another one of the sappy love stories they ate up. But behind closed doors, he promised her he’d be there to help her every step of the way. 

“You don’t have to do that,” she told him. “Think of what you’re giving up.” He’d never be able to be seen so much as giving a friend a kiss on the cheek; actual romance was off the table. (As for Emma...well, she was pretty sure her shot at that died a bloody death in Neverland.)

He looked away, eyes cast down. “Please don’t take this the wrong way,” he started, “but after seeing what you’ve gone through, and so many others...I don’t think my heart is able to withstand that.”

She didn’t tell him that the only reason she was even still standing was because of the concrete wall that surrounded her broken heart, holding it together.

But he was amazing; he was already one of her best friends, and he ended up being the best partner—and best father—she could have had at her side. He abided all her weird pregnancy cravings, accompanied her to all her physician appointments, even withstood her crazy mood swings.

Mood swings that were often accompanied by sparks of electricity coming out from her hands, surges of power that blew out the light bulbs in their home, and her inadvertent burning of any book she tried to read.

What a way to discover she had magic, huh? It turned out being taught to be calm and collected her whole life had kept it from manifesting while she was in Neverland; but apparently it couldn’t withstand pregnancy hormones. 

It took everything in her to keep that under wraps, too—placing it somewhere under that wall around her heart. Which mostly worked. (Not like she had an option; thankfully, knowing she was doing it to keep her child safe was pretty good motivation.)

When she finally went into labor, she had Graham on one side and her mother on the other. Somehow, the pain of birth still didn’t match the hurt of losing Neal, but it came damn close. 

The lights overhead flickered on that last push (there was no holding it back), and then—then he was there: Henry. A squirming, screaming, pink thing, but when they put him in her arms, she wasn’t sure she’d seen anything more beautiful. God, she wished Neal could have been there to see him.

But she looked to one side and saw her parents (her dad having snuck in), and to the other and saw Graham. Even if Neal was missing, Henry was still surrounded by love—by people who were always going to look out for and protect him.

“I promise you, Henry,” she whispered a while later, when it was just the two of them. “I will do everything I can to give you your best chance in this crazy world.”

And that included anything in her power to keep him away from the Games.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

Present day—Olympus

Jefferson was getting too old for this—and he wasn’t even that old. But these things had a way of weighing on a soul that not even the view from the window of his more-than-comfortable home could lift. (Neither could the glass of whiskey-laced tea he was nursing; at least the bottle was nearby.) His view of the border between Neverland and Olympus was soothing, with its varying types of trees serenely blending together, but also a constant reminder of what he did.

Another year passed, another games down. 18 more deaths on his hands. 18 more mothers having to bury their babies.

At least it’s not 19, a foreign positive voice somewhere deep inside told him as he took another sip of his drink, but that was hardly something to celebrate. It was only by the good graces of the President that both kids were able to win; part of him was worried about any repercussions, but the other part didn’t give a damn.

He was too good at his job. He was untouchable. And it drove him mad. (Which was probably why he was drinking alone and had a syringe of zolocybin at the ready; he knew better than to mix drugs and alcohol but again: he didn’t care.)

The next one is the last one, he reminded himself. It had almost become a mantra, having repeated it to himself countless times over the past few days since the end of the games. He thought of all the letters hidden here in his room, all the plans discussed, all the names on lists; as if on cue, his off-the-grid mobile phone rang, with the name Cora flashing on the screen. Their scheme would finally be put into motion over the next year. They finally had what they needed.

A symbol, something the people could rally behind: hope. Victory after impossible odds.

True love.

When Eloise came to him with her proposition to get both of her tributes out alive, he knew they finally had the last piece of the puzzle, the key to undoing everything.

His associates knew it, too, and the gears that had been slowly turning for years now kicked into high gear. The games may be over, but his job was just picking up.

There was still a long road ahead of them, though, and he needed to decompress. He tossed back the rest of his drink, put his phone on silent, and drew the blinds to his bedroom. Then he practically threw himself on his plush bed and grabbed the syringe; technically, zolocybin was a controlled substance, only to be used by medical professionals—but that didn’t mean it didn’t abound on the recreational drug market.

He popped the cap on it and methodically went over the process of injecting it into his arm, then settled back and waited for the effects to wash over him: first, sleep, then the kind of wild dreams that could only come from psychedelic hallucinogens. He could see why it was addictive, so he only allowed himself this one trip per year, to help him unwind.

Unconsciousness crept up in him quickly and he welcomed it. But even as he drifted off, one thing repeated in his mind:

The next one is the last one.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

thanks so much!! tagging some: @kat2609​ @thesschesthair​ @xpumpkindumplingx​ @shipsxahoy​ @amortentia-on-the-rocks​ @mryddinwilt​ @cocohook38​ @annytecture​ @wingedlioness​ @word-bug​ @distant-rose​​ @let-it-raines​​ @pirateherokillian​ @its-imperator-furiosa​​​ @laschatzi​​​ @stubblesandwich​​ @phiralovesloki​​ @athenascarlet​​ @snowbellewells​​ @idristardis​​ @scientificapricot​​ @searchingwardrobes​ @donteattheappleshook​ @ohmightydevviepuu​

[allie1804-fan]

Malaise (Chapter 3 Just Friends No Benefits)

Chapter 1, 2

Warnings Brief mentions of sex

A couple of weeks after the appointment with Tara, Keanu found himself at a loose end and really needing to “scratch the itch” as it were. He called Lucy, one of his “friends”

“Oh hey Ke” she said somewhat hesitantly “How are you doing?”

“ah I’m good thanks, just had some free time at last and thought maybe we could re-connect?”

“uh,errm, well that sounds great ……………but I should tell you, things have changed for me in the past few months”

“Oh, how so?”

The phone went quiet at her end for a few seconds.

 “I’m engaged!”

Now there was a pause his end while he sought to process this news, tamp down his personal disappointment and muster some happiness for her!

“Oh my god, congrats, that’s amazing news, who’s the lucky guy?”

Lucy proceeded to tell him how she’d met her new love Jamie and when the wedding was scheduled etc and they concluded the call with her agreeing to a celebratory lunch date with Keanu the following week, somewhere suitably fancy – he was nothing if not chivalrous even as he was letting go of one of his options for sex in future.

He made the next call straight away, figuring that if there was going to be more disappointment, then he might as well get it all done in one go and if there was a chance that one of his “friends” was free, then it would lift him out of the funk Lucy’s news had left him in. Karen agreed to come over later, saying she could tell he was lonely from the tone of his voice but she also said she’d been meaning to talk to him, just talk, for ages so he already felt that the shutters were coming down there too and that hanging out was all they would be doing.

As they tucked into a take-out pizza and beers that evening, they stuck to small talk but when she wiped her mouth after her last piece, Keanu could feel that she was holding back from making a pronouncement.

“Keanu, if I had to guess why I’m here right now, I’d put my money on you being lonely ……..  and horny and hopeful of moving onto the sofa shortly and working your charm on me”

His eyes widened and he took a swig of his beer.

“My, you’re awfully forthright tonight hun!”

“Well it’s true isn’t it, how many times in the past year have we hung out and not had sex?!”

“errrm, none”

“Correct, and the things is, Keanu, much as I love you and much as you are  fun to be around, so  giving and sexy as hell, I need to move on from being, well, one of your fuck buddies basically. Yes, that’s right, I know that I’m not the only one and I know no promises were ever made, that wasn’t the deal, but I want, no, I need a relationship with a man that gives me more. And the longer I am jumping to your tune like some child following the Pied Piper, the less I’m able to be open to a proper grown-up relationship. One where I prioritise what I want and need, something longer term with commitment on both sides. One where that person can give me time and not just occasional fun and  gifts but strictly on his terms. I’m honestly not complaining about what we had. We were both honest about it and it worked then, but not now. I’m sorry.”

Keanu smiled, a sad smile that didn’t reach his eyes

“Good while it lasted though huh?”

“Yes!” she grinned “and I’m not breaking up with you, not as a friend, I hope I can always be your friend”

“Sure, of course, no chance of one final send off huh?” he asked, eyes twinkling mischievously

She pushed him in the chest “no way, that’s just a slippery slope right back where we came from, you cheeky boy!”

They hugged and spent another hour or so chatting and getting used to being ‘just friends’, Keanu trying to avoid staring at her breasts like he would normally.

After she’d gone, he called his third option.

“what a glutton for punishment!” he thought. “Might as well choose between becoming a monk or taking out a direct payment to the agency each month if this one doesn’t work out!

It turned out that Martha, his third girl was out of town on a 6 month work placement. When he called, he recognised a European dial tone and she picked up speaking with a sleepy voice. It was about 7am where she was in Italy.  The opportunity had come up out of the blue and she’d only been there a week and hadn’t gotten round to telling people who weren’t in her immediate circle that she was going.

They talked briefly and he said he would try and tie in a visit if he was in Europe whilst she was still there. He might have movie promo or a bike related trip to make. He hung up feeling utterly dejected. Two of his options were done for good and he wouldn’t mind betting that Martha would meet some gorgeous Italian stallion while she was there and that would be that, finished.

 “God you’re pathetic Reeves” he said out loud to no-one. “The world is your oyster, you’re single - check, rich – check, OK looking – check, what the hell is your problem?”

He took himself off to bed, found some porn to watch and jerked off angrily but despite the ejaculation, the satisfied sleep that should follow eluded him, and when he awoke as dawn was breaking through, he felt a grey malaise shrouding his senses, dulling his movements and fogging his brain.

He had a new film starting in a month’s time but he couldn’t concentrate on any of the character research he should have been doing, learning his lines or working out to make sure he looked the part.  He would look at his phone and think about calling the agency but he didn’t want to get hooked and for that to be his only sexual outlet just seemed kind of tragic. For a couple of weeks  he’d spend his days either sleeping or drinking or tooling  around on his bike for hours up in the mountains. None of that helped him to shake the sense of emptiness and foreboding that filled his spirit.

First his mother noticed he was being slightly morose when they met for lunch one day. He was usually charming with her but he was monosyllabic and not the least bit enthused about their meal, his new film or the latest bike launch with Arch. Patricia flagged her worries to Karina who called round on spec a few days after to find him lolling on the sofa, listening to John Coltrane. His hair was unwashed, he smelled of whiskey and cigarettes and he’d clearly told his housekeeper to stay away for at least 2 weeks.

Alex was next to join the list of people telling him they were worried about him and begging him to share his worries. Even Rob, his band mate who was often a bit oblivious to others’ problems, could tell just from the flatness in his voice when he spoke to him on the phone.

Keanu assured them all that he just needed to get back to work.  

A week before he was due back, with little done to prepare still, he made a decision and called the agency again for Tara. He left instructions about repeating something they had done before that fell into the ‘unusual’ category. It wasn’t that weird but certainly outside the realms of straight sex. When Tara saw the request, she wondered if something was wrong too. That last time he had this request, he had been out of sorts mentally. When he messaged her about dinner, she chose Ramen noodles thinking that would be light and vaguely healthy. She didn’t imagine burgers or pizzas would do him good if he was in a funk about something.  She chose a cosy, close fitting woollen dress in cream for their “date” and hoped she could sooth him if he was troubled.

Keanu greeted her at the door bare foot and freshly showered. Truth be told he hadn’t showered for days before that and, since he had shunned the housekeeper for 2 weeks, just half an hour before her arrival he had cleared up and shoved a load of rubbish and dirty clothes in the garage where she wouldn’t see. The ramen arrived soon after her and they ate in comfortable silence.

 “You OK, Keanu. You look a little tired if you don’t mind me saying. Are you on a shoot again? You don’t usually see me when you’re shooting”

 “naaah, next week,  shooting starts next week and I’m so not ready!”

 “That’s not like you”

“I know, I know, I dunno what’s wrong really, so I figured ……………….”

“Do you really think THAT will help?”

“Well , yeah, don’t you?”

“Not sure to be honest, I’m pretty sure sex would help but that kind of sex???”

What he had asked was for her to tie him up and take him. They had not done that in a long while. The last time her feeling was that it was driven by a deep inner need to submit all control and give up calling the shots. She hadn’t understood then what brought it on but afterwards, he’d gone off to New York, filmed John Wick and made an absolutely cracking film. Maybe this would work for him this time too.

Tara enjoyed the feeling of power at bringing him very slowly to a powerful release and she could feast her eyes on him the whole time and tease him, frustrated as he was not to be able to touch her breasts, lying totally at her mercy.

Afterwards she stayed much longer for the aftercare, making them both a cocoa and trying to get him to open up. He confessed about the friends with benefits situation and she posed the idea that maybe, faced with escorts being his only option and finding that lacking, just maybe his needs emotionally were changing.

“Maybe  it’s time to let your guard down again and let someone in”

“dangerous territory” he muttered

“for who?” she pushed, arching an eye-brow.

“no good has ever come of it, not for me and not for them”

“and how many tries have there been?” she pushed. “how many in the last 10 years say”

He formed his fingers into a 0

“thought so” she said smugly “you don’t even know how it would go if you don’t try”

@penwieldingdreamer @fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @ladyreapermc @witty-wallflower @gatsbynouvel @bitchyslut99 @keanureevesisbae @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @kindainlovewithkeanu @paperplanesandwallflowers

[sketchguk]

Tag Game

tagged by: @kitsutaes and @gimmeyoon, my loves

:: nickname(s): T, bbt (like bubble tea), chorizo, Mother Teresa

:: bias: Yoonkook 🥰

:: blood type: No clue! I even asked my doctor, and she said she doesn’t know either LOL

:: favorite food: Scallion pancakes, Taiwanese popcorn chicken, spicy tuna kimbap, please don’t make me choose !! It seems like I really like bite sized foods huh

:: birthday: Nov. 8th

:: zodiac: Scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini rising

:: pronouns: She/her

:: hair length: A little below my shoulders. I usually grow my hair out until it’s up to my waist so that every 2 years I can cut it and donate it!!

:: height: 4′10, clown me, I dare you

:: a crush: The closest person I’ve had to having a crush in the last 3 years is Mr. Kim Namjoon...

:: what do you like about yourself: Oh we’re going there, are we?? My biggest strength, but also my biggest weakness, is my compassion

:: left or right handed: Right

:: list of 3 favorite colors: Anything on the pastel spectrum, specifically pink, blue, and purple (a win for bisexuals)

:: (right now) eating: Nothing!

:: (right now) drinking: Hong Kong black milk tea, my favorite drink ever

:: i’m about to: Continue working on a fic, 7k words deep, and hopefully I don’t totally hate it !! Pls look forward to it ahh

:: listening to: Keshi - Bandaids (stan talent)

:: kids: I always thought about having a boy and a girl, but looking @ my brother and I ... I want two girls now lol

:: get married: Hopefully, haha, so if you’re secretly in love with me, please ‘fess up!!

:: recent phone call: My friend who I hung out with yesterday! He wanted to let me know that he had already arrived

:: (have u ever) dated someone twice: This would imply that I need to date someone once to begin with

:: been cheated on: This would also imply that I need a partner klfjxclk

:: kissed someone and regretted it: No lol, probably super embarrassing but I haven’t had my first kiss yet

:: lost someone special: Definitely

:: been depressed: For as long as I can remember

:: been drunk and thrown up: Nope, I plan on remaining sober

:: had glasses or contacts: I’ve been wearing glasses since I was in 3rd grade. I am ridiculously blind

:: had sex on the first date: Bold of you to assume that I’m a not a virgin (you’d be very wrong)

:: broken someone’s heart: Only my own

:: turned someone down: Oh yeah, and it sucks, but then I remember I don’t owe anyone anything

:: cried when someone died: Every time

:: fallen for a friend: Yeah, hasn’t everyone?

:: (in the last year have you) made a new friend: I think so!! Even reconvened with old friends

:: laughed until u cried: Oh for sure, there’s no other way to do it

:: met someone who changed u: I can’t think of anyone particularly, but in a way, everyone I’ve met has changed me in some way or another, even if it’s subtle

:: found out who your true friends were: Yeah and to reiterate what B said, that shit HURTED

:: found out someone was talking about you: Yes, and whatever anyone says about “nice guys” is so wrong because they only act that way, thinking you owe it to them to give them an ounce of attention or to even hook up with them...

:: lips or eyes: Eyes!! It’s the first thing I notice about someone

:: hugs or kisses: I’m highkey a tsundere irl, so if you give me a hug and I resist, just know that I secretly love it, and I don’t want you to stop

:: romantic or spontaneous: I’m a hopeless romantic ahh

:: hookup or relationship: LITCHRALEE never done either, but for me, relationships are the only way to go. Gimme all the feels!!

:: first best friend: She’s still my best friend!! I met her in pre-school, so this is our 17th year of friendship! She slept over at my house this weekend hehe

:: surgery: Never

:: sports i joined: I’m a commitment-phobe, so I’ve never been on a team. But I played badminton and ran track for fun

:: do u believe in yourself: What’s with all the deep questions ?!! The answer is no !! But I’m slowly learning to !!

:: miracles: I want to believe in them, but I just know that I’m not destined for it. For all I know, miracles are made up of coincidences and lots of luck!!

:: love at first sight: A false concept created by all forms of media!! Something as shallow as looks is not enough for someone to fall in love. Love is so complex, and it’s a accumulation of so many factors.

:: heaven: It’s an interesting concept to believe in, but I can’t tell ya, sis! My answer says maybe

:: do u have any pets: Two bunnies!!

:: do u want to change your name: I did when I was younger, but I think I’m content with it now

:: what did u do for your last birthday: I spent the whole day out with my friends because my parents decided to leave me alone last minute for vacation, oops. I went to the city for ramen, wandered around in the FREEZING COLD, had Japanese souffle pancakes, and went back to my neighborhood for pho!! Don’t ask me how much weight I gained that day because I wouldn’t want to know either!!

:: what time did u wake up today: 9:45am

:: what were u doing last night at midnight: omg I was going through one of my... episodes™️... so I was crying but it’s all good now haha 🙂

:: something i can’t wait for: finally getting my graduate degree!! Hopefully in the next 2 years

:: last time u saw your mum: about an hour ago when she gave me my tea lol

:: what is one thing u wish u could change about your life: I want to find happiness from within, and not just conditional happiness that’s dependent on people, things, events, accomplishments, etc. 2020 is gonna be my year, just you wait !!

I’d like to tag @ddaengwrld @engeljimin @geniuslab @hoseoknysus @joonary @mercurygguk @mygsii @tokyoscript @ve1vetyoongi @wthkook @yourdelights (if you wanna do it! feel free to ignore, I just thought this would be fun)

[theteenagetrickster]

A Candid Conversation With K. Michelle - Rated R&B

K. Michelle has made a career out of walking in her truth. Her delivery might be off-putting to some, but her unfiltered commentary is all from a sincere place. For instance, the misunderstood singer doesn’t mind offering real guidance to the fresh voices in today’s R&B era; but she’s no yes-man, though.

“I think when it comes to the new people you have to support,” K. Michelle candidly tells Rated R&B. “I want to offer all the support so that they don’t make the same mistakes I made because I made a lot of them. But, I’m not going to offer no fake shit. If I don’t like it, I don’t like it.”

It’s a chilly Monday afternoon in mid-January and the Memphis native is running a few minutes behind for our call. It’s a heavy day of phone interviews for the R&B star. The calls are special, though. They are in support of her latest album All Monsters Are Human, which is available everywhere.

K. Michelle’s team heads the call and invites the woman of the hour to kick off the eagerly-anticipated conversation. She is in great spirits from the chirpy tone of her voice and is seemingly eager to talk about her latest work before she makes a run to Target.

But first, before the new album discussion, it was only right to congratulate her on making the list — Rated R&B’s 50 Best R&B Albums of the 2010s list, of course.

Her sophomore album, , made our unranked albums list ahead of the New Year. Considered by many as her finest album, K. Michelle is equally as smitten as the critics, five years after its breakthrough release.

“That album was amazing,” she confidently says. “I’m not saying that because it’s mine. I listen to it still and be like, ‘Girl, this is good’.”

The emotive singer-songwriter is hoping for a similar reaction with All Monsters Are Human. Truth be told, her fifth studio release, the follow-up to 2017’s , felt like it wasn’t going to be put out. Most of the slow starts for the All Monsters Are Human release, which she first hinted for a September 2018 arrival, were attributed to her serious health battle after multiple surgeries to remove her butt enhancements.

In a fight for her life, completing an album was the last thing on her mind. Clawing her way out from this time that could have proved fatal and a mountain of other somber moments that almost delayed AMAH wasn’t easy, but she made it through. How did she get past it? She went into the studio and recorded music that her loyal Rebels would instantly love.

Now, she’s back with tons of new music — including a new mixtape () and a proper full-length album. The latter collection, however, is the first independent studio effort released through her imprint Chase Landin, LLC d/b/a No Color No Sound Records.

All Monsters Are Human includes her street single “Supahood” featuring Kash Doll and Yung Miami of the City Girls. It also includes her blazing single “The Rain.” Produced by Cory Mo and Jazze Pha, the New Edition-sampling hit has infiltrated the top 10 on the Billboard Adult R&B Songs chart.

The dripping ode is now the highest-charting single of her career on this chart, with “Make This Song Cry” and “V.S.O.P.” both peaking at No. 13, respectively.

In our conversation with K. Michelle, the R&B powerhouse talks All Monsters Are Human, evolving as an artist, fighting to record a country album, her thoughts on musicianship in today’s R&B and much more.

All Monsters Are Human is the title of your first release since parting ways with Atlantic Records, who backed your four previous albums. At one point in your career, you mentioned the label allowed you creative control. But, on the new album’s opener “Just Like Jay,” you said they wanted you to follow the Mary J. Blige blueprint. When did it hit you that having your own music identity was no longer a priority for the label?

It was never a priority. I still love my label. We’re still in good standings. I never picked a single. I was able to do my albums but when it came down to the country album, it always had to be pushed off. The crossover records had to be pushed off the album. There was no room and they didn’t fit. So, me being kind of naive as an artist, I was always told the next album is the time.

On one album I was told, ‘This record is too big for [you]’ to my face. So, after this last time, I realized they’re never going to let me do this. I did a whole country album. The last album was supposed to be that. They would not let me turn it in after they spent money on me recording it. They were just saving face. So I realized that as long as I was there, they were going to fight for me to be the next Mary J. Blige. Nothing is wrong with Mary J. Blige (she’s one of my favorite artists of all time) but at some point you want your own identity to be who you are.

Each of your predecessors showcases a nice variety of your diverse artistry, which doesn’t always translate into a bonafide radio hit. As an artist who has been committed to never chasing the charts and only the hearts, how do you feel being celebrated more for the overall album than its true singles?

That’s fine with me. I’m always celebrated for my overall work. It’s supposed to be a masterpiece. That’s what I did learn from R. Kelly. One thing he said to me that I always will remember is, “Just because the record isn’t a radio record doesn’t mean it’s not a hit.” That’s because the amount of money is not being paid. Just because you didn’t buy your Grammy, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve one. I don’t play the politics of the industry. If I was to sell out and play into the politics of the industry, I don’t think my fans would appreciate it as much.

I think people that love me are rebellious. We’re in our own world where all we do is listen to music. We don’t deal with the rest of the stuff. I don’t like red carpets. I do get invited to the awards, you know what I’m saying? I didn’t get invited to the Billboard Awards even though they made me the top five R&B artists [that year]. It’s crazy, right? This whole shuck and jive, cooning out game is one big, fake coonery that I’m just not apart of and never have been. I know who I’m willing to be and who I’m willing to sleep with and not. I know what’s going on.

Something that noticeably stood out after listening to All Monsters Are Human is that many songs sound slightly more radio-friendly than your previous albums.

You think so?

Yeah. There were a few songs that repeated a lot, like “OMG,” that had a certain radio appeal. So, what was your mind frame sonically while recording this album?

Everywhere. I was kind of up some days and down others. [This album] has a lighter sound. I wanted to lean into lighter songs because I was trying to be in a lighter place and not feel as heavy on a lot of the songs that made the album. I was heavy for two years sick. When I got in the booth this time, I was happy to be back in there and I didn’t want to be that heavy. I recorded a lot in different booths and different fashions but the songs that made the album seemed to me like the days weren’t so heavy.

At one point you mentioned that “Save Me” was a pre-album single. However, it didn’t make the final cut on AMAH. Why?

“Save Me” was something I was going through with my boyfriend at that time. It’s still on iTunes, so fans still can get it. I’m going to do that through the year, too. I’m going to just give out songs throughout the year on iTunes. I’m going to just start getting with these producers and say, “Hey. Let’s just put out these songs throughout the month and start rolling them out.” I don’t do that but I have too many records just sitting.

You seem to always be inspired musically by different entertainers and their public stories, from Drake to Kim Kardashian and now Ciara. How did you decide a record like “Ciara’s Prayer” needed to take creative shape?

Because I just say it all the time and I always write about life. So, I wondered, “Was her karma that good? How did she get that man? (laughs).” I want to know if there are any other men like that. If so, where do they live? I want to know (laughs).

Now that “The Rain” has proved a hit, what song are you considering for the follow-up?

Well, you know radio can take longer. I’ve had to break it down to my fans that “[The] Rain” is still brand new at radio, and it’s still moving. So, I’ll probably sit with “[The] Rain” for some more months before anything else happens. R&B records can take up to nine months to get even midpoint. I’m just hearing “[The] Rain” for myself on the radio. Stations are still adding the record. It’s a hit record and it’s moving. But after “[The] Rain” is finished, I’m probably going to go to a record called “That Game.”

I know the fan favorites. I put up “[The] Rain” and the number of views on YouTube from them ripping it from our [Instagram] live was so crazy that it had to be a single. “That Game” is the same way. It’s on YouTube ripped from [Instagram] live and they’re begging for that. So, I might do that. I know Moneybagg Yo gets on that record next week. I’m going to start getting some rappers and do some remixes of the album just for fun. So, once you guys learn that album, I’ll put out in like 2-3 weeks some remixes probably with some of my favorite rappers. I’ll put those out for free and fun. Music doesn’t always have to cost a lot of money.

Up early listening to new R&B artist and this is the best way to fall asleep, this shit has no soul and it boring. It plays like one big lullaby. I’m so confused by it

— K. Michelle (@kmichelle) January 8, 2020

R&B seems to be the genre that is the most guarded by its conservatives. Often times, there are conversations about the absence of traditional R&B elements like pure vocals and soul in the modern R&B era. You even described the evolving sound like a “one big lullaby.” How do you and other seasoned acts believe newcomers should express their form of art if it’s being asked to be boxed in traditional R&B mode?

See, I don’t speak for other artists unlike Tank, who hopped in on some shit that didn’t have shit to do with him. He was the same one losing his mind when Jacquees said he was the king of R&B. Now you want to comment behind me when I said it’s one big lullaby? Stay over there, General. Stay in your lane.

It does all sound like one big fucking lullaby. What you want me to do, lie? There’s no heart. There’s no soul. It’s a lot of great artists. I also said that in my tweet, which we like to overlook, and shouldn’t be overlooked in this article. I said that they’re some great artists and songs, but the bodies of work are lacking. I believe in bodies of work, as you can tell from my body of work. So there are artists that I absolutely love that are new R&B artists.

I will never say the baby’s name or disrespect them or anyone but I was listening to a group of different R&B artists that morning. I was literally falling asleep. There was no umph. I popped in Ari Lennox and I was excited. You are supposed to be excited. I listened to other artists and I wasn’t excited. That’s my right as an artist. I’m minding the business that pays me.

She is phenomenal and one of my favorites, I think people just always want to vilify me. I don’t have to love everything I hear. But Mrs.Ari excites me not one bit of boring. https://t.co/uZymxcoUtg

— K. Michelle (@kmichelle) January 9, 2020

I wish it would just get back to the music…to just the singing and writing. You don’t get but three minutes and thirty seconds to paint a picture and to tell a movie. Where are the bridges? We don’t do bridges no more? That’s when you really break it down. That’s when the music really feels good to you and touches your soul. If you’re an artist and you can’t make a musical bridge, then you ain’t no artist.

So, that’s all I’m asking. I’m even challenging myself to step up. All this talk about country music and you never put it out. I’m challenging myself. I’m challenging every artist out there to give your fans something that they paid for. Give them something that’s going to make their day better — not just something that’s going to make your pockets bigger.

Speaking on your highly-anticipated country album, how are you hoping to break the color line in a controlled genre where you don’t see many artists that look like you?

This is me just having to fight. There is no way you can plan this. This is something you’re going to have to get in there and fight for. I’m going to do what it is that I need to do, which is make great music. That’s all I can do. I’m very excited about this because country artists are reaching out to me. I received a call from Billy Ray Cyrus, who is really supportive. So, I’m going to work this R&B album and make people hear every single song on this album.

Once people hear this album, I’m about to do something different with this country album. I promise you. It’s time. You’re not ready for what’s about to happen. If you think I’m good on my other albums [singing country], wait until you hear my voice and where it’s supposed to be. I had to sneak those songs in there on other albums, sir (laughs). But I’m finna to walk into it and I’m going to fight like never before. I need my people to have my back instead of fighting against me all the time. I’m fin’ to take on a whole nother situation and I need my people.

How does one have a natural progression as an artist? Also, where do you see your artistry evolving in the next decade?

I think a natural progression is just that — natural. You can say where you want to go, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to go there. For me, my progression has always been growth. It’s just been all about me growing to be better while challenging myself in the weaknesses that I have in my craft. I’m a lyric girl over a melody girl. I like to make sure that my lyrics are detailed and that someone can really relate to them. My melodies sometimes can be repetitive, which I know is one of my weaknesses as an artist.

I see myself moving into this country album after this album. I’m going to sit in that a while and fight for that so it can be easier for some other women that are my color.

As a musician, who has tight songwriting skills and a sonically sound ear, are there any rising and established artists you’d like to write or collaborate with on the production side in the future?

I really want to work with Dolly Parton. That’s really it. I really love her.

Stream All Monsters Are Human by K. Michelle below.

This content was originally published here.

[roroslatenightthoughts]

Sin City

Spent the weekend blissfully lost in a group of beautiful ABGs. Nobody knew me, really. Other than my name, it was the perfect solution to the “my name precedes me” thing that I had been encountering after moving back home.

There was a blur of little moments, living so in the moment that not much was committing to memory. 

But I can feel the memories already blurring away. I just have to let this out somewhere, so here we go.

Friday, June 21st (the first day of summer, my period, and the summer solstice).

Jody’s flight got delayed by 4 hour (at least) and I found myself drowning in intimidation. These girls knew exactly how to do their hair and makeup, what to wear, etc. Found myself regaining some confidence as I successfully put on lashes (really well too, tbh) for the first time since I was 18yo about to perform at recital and was empowered to ditch my Spanx.

While we were waiting in line for Wynn’s XS Nightclub someone raised his voice at me, “Hey, I know you.” I subtly rolled my eyes, assuming he was the first creep of the trip. But then, “It’s Rochelle, right?” I passed along the velvet rope to get a closer look at him. “Arsenio,” he said. The name didn’t ring a bell. 

“I’m Annie’s cousin.” 

“Annie, who?” 

“Luspo!”

“Ohhh, Christy?!”

“Yeah, we met when I was staying at her house in Houston. I think we’re friends on Facebook.”

I quickly looked him up. He was right. Our mutual friends shook the cobwebs from the old connection. It had been TEN YEARS since he last saw me, completely crazy. We tried meeting up for shots in the club, but it didn’t work out. He said he was living in the Bay area now. I looked up his profile, he has a 3-year-old kid now. 

We spent the majority of our Friday evening tediously scouring XS for a table, waiting for Jody, and denying the inevitable fact that a group of 13 young women were not about to ALL get drinks at the same table let alone maneuver a dark nightclub without getting separated. 

We hunted for tables big enough for the majority of us, got half-assed efforts from promoters, and eventually some guy rounded us all up to his table for [free] drinks. It was there that we meet the “thirty-something” Miami guy. We danced, he twirled me, someone later told me they thought he was gay, it definitely didn’t feel like it (but then again, I literally have the world’s worst gay-dar). He even gave me a lap dance -- what an odd feeling to have someone’s nuts rub on your leg... blegh.

We eventually left their table and stopped like ten feet away (the crowd was thick enough to be out of obvious vision). My feet were screaming and I asked if I could sit. He had a sleeve of tattoos -- hello, talking points! At this point I could have talked for hours as long as it meant that I could sit. I don’t really remember his face, but it felt like I had him wrapped around my finger. At one point I was sneaking ice cubes out of their bucket because I was that desperate for some hydration. He said something about being warm, and I don’t know what came over me but  I instinctively leaned in and asked “Did you say you’re getting hot? Come here.” Our faces were close enough and just said “kiss me” before passing an ice cube into his mouth. It was the smoothest and sexiest I’ve ever felt in my life. 

I nonchalantly pull away and feel completely detached from the romantic gesture. He boyishly blurts out, “Thanks for making me look cool in front of my friends.” I’m glad it was dark so I could hide my chuckle. Finally, we head home and we recap the night over Chex Mix and Gardetto’s. Night ended around 2-3am.

Saturday:

Woke up around 8am (I think) and continued recapping the night. Realized my feet were insanely dirty from walking around the hotels and drop-offs sans shoes. We started getting ready for day club and I accept 

omg i’m tired of writing. here comes the word/phrase vomit.

AB&G smoothie, morton’s neuroma, small boob insecurity, “thicc” girl empowerment, big boob empowerment. lowkey strutting and hopping around the suite proud of the muscle on my legs, jiggle on my chest, and less fat at my abdomen than 7 months ago. looking like bougie bruno mars as a woman. fhearing those first beats at day club. USC med alumni. “what job would you have?” “I would enjoy being a PT,” “I’d be humans of new york,” “I’m just now starting to pay off my loans,” his name was Patrick, he’s a urologist either “operating or in clinic.” the exotic Mediterranean guy “She just like a fun, nice girl.” Billy was just one of the cute guys, idk i naturally kept tabs on him i think. Felt like I was successfully flirting with and then getting subtly rejected by Nikolai - with the twin friends (ft. dance move guy), he is an electrical engineer graduated from UCSB who would get a 2x4 lego tattoo if anything and taught me a few phrases in French - because I assumed he’d rather get with one of the girls in the group (Later on Payne would convince me otherwise - that he kept looking around for me and was just talking to everyone because I kept leaving, classic Rochelle scenario, no?). The support I felt when they all encouraged me to go after him. One of the doctors didn’t pick up on my sarcasm when I said he was the oldest (obviously the youngest), it was sweet to see all his friends play along and to have his thirsty ass wanna make me his girl hahah. Some guy named Ty who was turning 21, filipino with great tats - ended up asking for his insta bc i kept running into him. OMG the handsome, potentially gay Black man who stopped me as I got out of the pool and lowkey-strutted towards the bathroom with a “girl you are naturally gorgeous - and you know it!” ugh idk why but it was the most believable comment I’ve ever gotten from a passerby (along with the random ladies that would compliment me omg i cry).

For a while I thought everybody bailed on me and left me with Nickolai just as things were fizzling out. But thankfully we found Kim, Payne, and Mary. We weaved through the crowd, over velvet ropes, and just danced our asses off to Marshmallo’s set. As we were gathering our things at the locker, Jody happened to be walking by (I swear, technology is the biggest cockblock for serendipity). I hadn’t had enough of Day Club at that point so I stayed and saw Jody and Kathleen in action with these guys at their lounge area. Man they really committed to fishing. Finally the delirium of Day Club became a bit overwhelming and we made our way back to the hotel. At this point I felt natural and confident enough to shower naked in front of an also naked Kim. It’s amazing how much confidence I had on reserve strictly from a fresh bikini wax and the knowledge that I’ve been consistently active.

Freshly showered and freshly napped, we started getting ready for Night Swim. (Seriously, the partying never really stopped - just paused for attempts at nourishment/rest.) There was something even more heightening about this round. I played up my freshly-fallen bun-curls and took a FIRE selfie on snapchat (although it didn’t get that much feedback, whatevs bc who was i even hoping for feedback FROM?) 

Donning Kathleen’s kimono and my “naked” swimsuit... (man, looking back where did this person come from?) 

Started talking to this Filipino-Black guy in line and his friend in all white came back and asked if we wanted to join them in their cabana. None of the girls wanted to go, but I figured why not? (the guy was so tall, I think this was my subconscious, amateur attempt at jersey chasing LOL) Also they were from Brooklyn, and I’m a sucker for a good nyc story. Bopped back and forth with drinks form their cabana to our lily pad. 

In classic form, I eventually said goodbye to the cabana boys, grabbed someone from the lily pad, and headed off to do laps. This naive, potentially-gay gentleman at the dance floor tried teaching me how to salsa, as I kept reiterating, “honeyyyy, I’m from Houston! I know how to dance!” We met this Brazilian sounding guy literally because he was standing there an just put his hands up -- got us drinks and saw a poor attempt at line dancing in Vegas, encountered a PTA named Jery (classically shocked that I finished school already hehe). Kept encountering this older gentleman who was charming but creepy, gave Katy a lesson in public strutting, and finally circled back to lounge at the lily pad. 

Eventually Katy came over and whisked me away to a table in the pool. About six girls were already there. There were only two guys so of course I assumed my role as a poolside, go-go dancer. I looked down and realized that I recognized this guy’s dance moves from day club!! And sure enough Nikolai was there! I called him over asking why he wasn’t backstage at the Zedd show. Got in the pool and of course dealt with the same ambiguous vibe as earlier that day. 

(At some point during this, Kathleen came over and dropped off my things - holy shit i just looked it up, it was around 1am - and I asked her to take my phone and wallet back to the hotel at the risk of getting it in the water) Kathy had just offered me some WatEr and I ended up just chillin’, enjoying the vibes and visuals by the side of the pool. I vaguely remember seeing Nikolai leave and honestly just dgaf about it. Kathy explained that it was ok to want to feel physical touch so I just leaned the fuck in to the virgin experience and let everyone and their mother scratch my head, massage my back, and just love on each other hahaha we ended up closing the club at like 3:30am or something.

As we were leaving, one of the two guys (the half-Jap-half-Russian who I was initially told was gay - found out his name at like 5am, and then ended up not being gay) bluntly says, “you’re really pretty and I’d like to make out with you” - looking back, it was almost perfect... I was already comfortable with him because he had been [orgasmically] pulling my hair all night and massaging my neck. He said later that he thought he was being obvious in making a move, but i’m pretty sure he was doing that with everyone, esp considering Kathy was deadass wrapped around his back like a monkey lolol he later said he was only pulling my hair, my rolling ass had no fucking clue ahahah

Anyway, I hadn’t had someone suggest making out in so long and had been recently longing for that exactly, so after several minutes of inner turmoil (at this point i was still getting used to him not being gay, but also i was on my period, freshly waxed, and headfirst in my first Experience). I stayed back with Kim and James (literally a total ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ vibe with his british accent and her stunninnnggggggg looks), Kathy, and Mr. Makeout. There was a cool breeze accompanying us on the late night streets of the Strip and we just let ourselves walk and blow away with Mr. Makeout’s EPB/APL. We ended up at their room at the Palazzo and sure enough, when Kathy and Kim went to talk in the bathroom, he point-blank says, “are we gonna make out now?” 

He was odd in his own way -  a balance of nonchalant, poignancy, and just enough flirtation. Stolen smiles and glances had become our forte at this point, I was really wishing that Kathy could see what was happening, and that I hadn’t given my phone away. The three of us decided to leave to give Kim and James some privacy. Kathy lagged behind to talk to Kim and we continued to make out in the hallway. Kissing him was somehow so erotic yet so professional/respectful. 

The sun was beginning to come up as we headed to the guys’r extra room at Caesar’s and awkwardly laid in bed, in our swim suits, unable to sleep, just waiting for Kim to need us since we had a key card. Let me just say that damn Kathy is such a good friend. She had her phone out the whole time even though battery was draining fast, making sure that Kim felt safe and that she wasn’t ubering alone or anything.

There was a moment that Kathy was going to leave and I was going to stay back with Daniel (I now knew his name), I decided against it and as I got out of the bed he beautifully clung to my waist with his previously whispered “I’d like to make love to you” twirling through my head. I playfully tried getting away, knowing full well that he had me locked down (If I was smart at all, I would have remembered James’ subtle mention that Daniel brought a NCAA National Judo Title back to Harvard, i.e. their ALMA MATER, which I barely cared about at this point because I was so out of it haha). We convinced him to come back to the Venetian/Palazzo with us (and he paid for the taxi, bless).

We kept stealing a few kisses in various lobbies as Kathy essentially babysat all of us lmao. Before heading up to our room, I threw my number onto his phone internally plotting how I can sneak away to him. After all, it was only 6am at this point and everyone was deadass asleep. 

Immediately I realized how not sleepy I was in comparison to everyone sprawled out on their air mattresses. I updated Katy and Jody and replied to his immediate texts:

“Hello

OK come now.

Can we make out a little more?”

I trotted out of the room in a sun dress, no bra, and my bikini bottoms. I told you, it was the start of Cancer season. Walked through the adjoining hotels (seriously, how convenient) and eventually he found me. 

“You changed”

“Well I didn’t really want to walk around in a sheer kimono at 7am,” then alluding to the lack of bra underneath. 

He was surprisingly disciplined in the elevator, undoubtedly catching me smiling in anticipation for his lips to be back on mine. Thankfully, he deviated towards a corner wall to kiss for a bit before heading down a very long hallway. It was the most seamless a makeout has felt in a long time. We were eye to eye whenever I’d rise up onto the balls of my feet. I grabbed at his jet black hair and his hands ran all over me with an energy I’d never felt before - I had gotten used to greedy hands on me... his were appreciative, almost even respectful. I could feel him near the hem of my dress and he’d lightly lift it up, but never yanked at it or slid it up too high... we continued down the long hallway with the same style of kissing, even getting caught by a couple, oops hehe. 

We got to the room and decided to continue in the [pleasantly spacious and conveniently mirrored] full bathroom. Knowing fully well that we only had time to makeout, we started slow, just weaving back and forth. We took our time, taking turns unbuttoning each others tops, one by one, kissing to celebrate the each exposure of new skin (forgetting the fact that we were already half naked when we met or that we had already laid next to one another in our underwear). 

Eventually the clothes were off and he didn’t question when I said that underwear has to stay on. It was 45 minutes of bliss. He leaned against the counter for the majority of the time and our hands ran free, up and down each other’s bodies. His musculature perfectly balanced - I seriously don’t think I’ve ever been so dumbfounded, I literally had no critiques. But I couldn’t properly articulate myself because I was so shocked by his whispers and praises.

“You’re so pretty... You’re so cute... You’re so hot... You have the most incredible body,” as he appeared to blink in what looked like disbelief. For once, I actually believed a man’s compliments on my body...

 “I was trying to talk to you all night,” he said as I stared back in disbelief reminding him that his hands were on all the other girls as well. “You have so many dang friends, I didn’t know how to get alone... and then you disappeared, I couldn’t find you.” We continued kissing through all this recapping and sure enough, he blessed me with that same, firm hair pull.

We ended up laying on the floor towards the end, him teasing me with the words, “I really want to eat you out” - BUT OF COURSE, I was on my period at a time when I’d never been more willing to do it. His lips were so luscious and our tongues had already become well-acquainted at this point. He told me to lay on the floor and his hands just explored my lower abdomen and superficial pelvis... it felt beautifully similar to the scene in “Pretty Woman” where Richard Gere goes from playing the piano to playing Julia Roberts’ body....  it was just pure bliss, I’d never been so happy to be in a hotel bathroom at 7am. And as we ached over the fleeting minutes, eventually we heard James fumbling for the bathroom knob, I doubled over in giggles as I fumbled for clothes to cover my mostly naked self. “I’m not done exploring you yet...” he said with a tone of sadness as we departed, again not realizing that I was plotting to return to him. I wasn’t done either.

I’m going to stop writing soon, but I ended up going back to his room (sans James) after Jody left. We had about an hour, “You just always leave me. I booked my flight for 11:30 after you left. I didn’t think I’d get to see you again.”

We kissed slowly, obviously running on depleted energy reserves, and eventually ramping up to the same enthusiasm as earlier that morning.

“I wish I had a video of you doing that,” alluding to my practically-rehearsed minx crawl over his supine body. To which he countered with the masculine version when it was his time to be on top. However, I think I reached a completely new capacity of physical attraction as I laid on the bed with him standing, holding my hips. Every time his hips thrusted forward, his chest and delts contracted with each pulse.... I’d never been with a physique like that, ever. I don’t know what came over me but eventually I was going down with an enthusiasm I hadn’t felt in years, genuinely wanting to kiss him just everywhere. I was lasting a lot longer than usual. I could feel him squirming and just when I thought he was going to finish - he blurted “I just want to fuck you” as he simultaneously tossed me to the head of the bed and held himself over me - it was performed so swiftly and smoothly that I officially have a newfound sexual respect for guys who do Judo. It almost felt like a couples tango... I just laid there, sprawled out in complete disbelief, realizing that I reallyyyy wanted him back in me. We wrestled with the idea but there were no condoms left and I wasn’t on birth control - I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from discussing the significantly decreased likelihood of getting pregnant when on your period, but luckily he reminded me that we’re a couple of strangers, a couple of mature adults. Eventually time caught up with us  and with rosy-cheeks we left his room. I lamely asked if we could hold hands to which he said, “of course.” I could feel his smile next to me in the elevator and gave each other a quick kiss before he headed to the lobby and I sped off to the Venetian to clean up my things before check out.

 At one point we were just laying there and he said those perfect words, “this is all I really wanted.” I didn’t fully believe him, but I nodded in agreement because it truly felt wonderful.

(Sidenote: I initially started this post because I was resisting texting Mr. Makeout. I caved and started drafting a message, but I kept backspacing because I didn’t actually know what I wanted to say. Finally got frustrated and gave up on keeping contact, phew glad that period of desperation is over with) 

[littlemockingjay]

Alright. I feel like some stuff needs to be written down, as i am mentally a complete mess, and this is definitely not helping with exam season right now. I mean, i just failed one exam this morning, and since it’s an oral one, i got the mark right away. The mark was justified, so i’m not mad about it, i’m just disappointed in myself, but i think there’s just been too much going on in my head recently and this was the explanation as to why everything was mixed up in my head this morning and i suck for that. usually i am able to keep my head cold and separate things but well, seems like not anymore.

So basically, what’s been going on is that during the holidays, i didnt manage to study at all, my grandma’s been sicker and sicker by the day, and even if now, she’s getting better, it was hard to focus on studying knowing this was going on. Now, i’m trying not to think too much about it, but it’s still in my mind, popping up when it shouldnt.

In addition to that, i still dont know what i wanna do later but then again, this has been a recurrent problem in my life since basically the day i needed to decide what to do after high school. Well.

And finally, but not the least problem parasiting my head right now is love stuff. As per usual, because it’s basically the one thing that makes me write here. Else, i would just do something else. So well. Good things first, i’m definitely over ~him~, the guy that i’d have a crush/been in love with for basically 3 years of uni. But then, this guy showed up during my erasmus, and we’re living in the same area now, which was great. However, this guy was/is in a relationship, but it didnt stop him to let things happen. I was not innocent in the process but anyway, after a few months apart, i saw him again and was like ‘YEAH. i just want to be friend with him” no ambiguity, i was genuinely looking forward to having a wonderful friendship with him; except a few weeks later, we went out with his friends and even if technically nothing happened, things got real weirnd and ambiguous. I was really mad the next morning and few days, as i don’t know what happened and yes, i was attracted to him, but definitely not the right thing and choice for me. So this was on my mind, but now i made up my mind and really don’t want to have nothing with him, except a good and healthy friendship, but this will probably require me talking to him, setting the record straight. Which i hate doing btw. So after exam season, this might be to do, but i’m quite anxious about it.

Furthermore, another boy issue appeared. So i’m doing this moot court competition with three other persons, including ‘this’ guy. Which now might be my new crush/love interest/thing i dont know how to describe. THIS IS AWFUL. I mean no, it’s good, he’s so nice and intelligent, and i feel good when i’m beside him, and he’s adorable, and knows a lot of stuff, i could speak for hours with him (i mean, i did already and it was awesome). Anyway, the reason i know him is this moot thingy and at first everything was just purely ‘professional’ if i might say so, but then, ofc, friendship started to grow within the whole team but at some point, it ended up with 3 of us being real close, and another girl being a bit to the side because honestly, even if she has some qualities, team spirit was not one of her forte and she is sometimes really really annoying. Anyways, as the weeks would go by, we just started hanging out more, and there were a few days were we would just be me and -him-, working at his place or hanging out a little bit later, and i started to get attached. Fast forward a few weeks after that, we’re at a party at a friend’s from uni and a few glass later, we end up making out in a bathroom (yup) before i ‘stop’ it (despite not really wanting too) because of me panicking being like ‘omg what’s are we doing, there is still this project blabla i don’t want things to become weird and what shall happen’ and i kept going on and on but in the middle of that we were still kissing and idk, it was good but confusing. then someone knocked on the door saying they were leaving and basically, the party was ending (it was 3 or 4 am by then i believe) and what happened is that he told me i shouldnt be worried about this, that this doesnt mean much and everything will be okay. We actually meet with the others from the team the next day  and everything goes as if nothing happened and at the moment, i felt really happy about it, as i thought this would not have any impact on the project and everything will be turning out fine. After that however, it was the christmas holiday, and we’ve been keeping in touch mainly through our group chat. And then, we all got back to Brussels, all the exams started and i saw him multiple times since, and we’ve being studying together alone at his place for a few exams, and i’ll be honest and say those were great day, just because i spent them with him. Firstly, he’s really helping and then, he is so calm, it just soothes me, and really, just adorable. So basically, that’s how i realized i might have feelings for him; and now basically every day that i dont see him makes me cranky (ok, i might be exagerating but you see the point) . We’ve also had weeeird conversations (sex related and stuff like that) but also really interesting ones (i mean, who quotes Platon just as if it were nothing?° But i’m starting to be afraid. Why would you ask ? Because he is one of the only guy i’ve been into where there is actual chances that 1) he likes me back (not completely sure bout that tho) and 2) if he does, that the thing might lead somewhere. Until now, every guy i had a ‘thing’ with had a girlfriend so basically, nothing could’ve ever really happened. -He-, on the other hand, has basically anything one could ask for and this scares the hell out of me. I mean, not everything’s perfect, i’m really not sure if he might like me back (making out while drunk is surely a hint, but it might have been a mistake for him though, idk), i mean, there has been no other signs since then , or i might just be blind idk, but also, because of the moot, i think we’re both aware it’s going to be too weird to start something or even to talk about it and then, what if something happens again?? i don’t think i’m good enough for him, he’s way smarter than i am, more cultivated, friendlier, idk... and also, he told us (it was not just me at this point) that he ‘gave up on love’ and that it’s not for him and blabla and what the hell am i supposed to do with that. Once the project is over, should i just get us both drunk and make us talk about that ? Idk i’m confused. But i really like him, but this might mean commitment, and i’ve been afraid of commitment my whole life ,so what will happen ? FML seriously, why do such problems always come during exams...  I wish it was easier.

So basically, this has been what’s going on in my head for the last month or so. Reallly nice

[survivorstorybookarendelle]

Episode 6 - Why Is My Name Always Thrown Around - Veronica

 i thought i was finally gonna have all my faves together that was mean

[3/17/17, 11:06:24 PM] Steffen Bøhn: good [3/17/17, 11:06:29 PM] Steffen Bøhn: write a confessional

that was my confessional

oh gosh omg if I make merge if I merge I cant loose my connections with Rob, Luke, and Ashton mostly Ashton and Rob screw you Steffen lol I mean I'm dead at regan going to exile and I'm actually in a very good spot on the new nevs tribe me and Amanda are fucking tight me and Ashton are tight me and Brian are tight me and Richie were tight on Nevs ike come on Veronica and me have no bond but I can like her

the last time i wrote a confessional it was about to be our first tribal council after the first swap where amanda was about to be voted out and whew so much has happened since.... seconds after typing that confessional amanda signed on skype and told everyone she had irl family stuff going on (which my heart felt for her <3) but strategically i was like yes this is perfect to use as a last minute flip so with like 20 minutes until the vote everyone was convinced to vote out adrian and everything worked out great for me!!!!!! fast forward to the next immunity challenge and it was a music video lip sync immunity and we had 24 hours to do it and it was 90 minutes before the immunity was due and NO ONE had committed to any plans or filmed anything so i was like okay fuck it i'll just throw together the most ridiculous video of all time hopefully it will be so ridiculously bad that it will be iconic but um... the judges were haters y'all the judges were h a t e r s !!!!!! but whatever we lost i got sent to exile AGAIN and the tribe voted out zach which cool i never got to meet him lmao okay i come back from exile and we have a reward which we won!! i think that was the first time that i had won anything all season and we got to pick someone to go to exile and i chose ashley bc i was hoping that she would pick me to go with her bc we've been together everytime and we bond while we're there and a few minutes go by and fucking meredith gets sent to exile and i know i'm fucked!!! i've been okay with spending 90% of my time in this game on exile because i found the idol and if i'm the only one on exile then i dont have to worry about people getting clues and finding out the idol's already been found and i'm the only one thats been there so having someone but me go to exile was bad news because when she came back i was #exposed womp womp 

 connor messaged me saying "im just gonna ask you point blank do you have the idol" and then i was like what makes you say that and he said "well i got to where the idol should be and it isn't there and I may be wrong, but the only other person who has gone is you" so wtf do i say to that!? that means that meredith and connor are close enough that when she came back from exile she shared that with him and theres literally no way i could lie because it's so obvious and that would just make me seem so much sketchier so i was just like yeah i have it so even though i assumed that people assumed that i had the idol because of how much time i've spent on exile but now its a #fact and i hate it :) 

 ANYWAY!!! we find out its a double tribal connor wins individual immunity he says he wants to vote out patricia and im hesistant because i'm expecting a merge/swap/something and i'm still scared of the fact that i voted in the minority  on OGNevs in the shea boot and i think patricia voted with me so i didnt really want to get rid of her i would have preferred voting out amanda so she couldnt link back up with that group but i know connor and amanda talk because one time i told something to only amanda and then connor messaged me saying "i've heard....." and in my head i was like yeah bitch you heard that from me thru amandas mouth NOTED!! so i didnt want to be the one to throw out amandas name now that connor knows i had the idol bc i didnt want to give him any reason to put me on his radar even more and he could orchestrate a good blindside with the receipts of me admitting i have the idol.... so i dont fight and patricia leaves and GUESS WHAT??? A SWAP!!!! and guess what else!? you FROZEN hearted hosts put me on a tribe with no one i can really work with so thanks a lot mf haters i can't wait to die!!!!Submitted 

I feel so bad, I technically betrayed Carson even though I technically told him I was voting for him? I handled it wrong, and I feel bad. 

http://prntscr.com/eld3ut

 like I think I messed up when I said, yeah I'm fine with him voting Ashley, I just meant that I'm okay with him voting for her not that I'm voting for her too, I love carson and he's my frist friend, but he did betray me first in Kiribati! then regan blew up about brian and it was crazy. Now there's a swap and I think I might be good, I'm back with the glass alliance and Ashley but I have rhea here too who I love. I just hope we don't go to tribal cause who knows what connor is thinking and I don't want to vote for rhea either

Confessional #8- This is the first time in this game that I don't feel 100% safe. The first two tribals I went to were an easy votes and I had immunity at one. Now I'm not sure what's going on. I don't even know two the people here which Is scary as well. My plan is to make sure me Brian and Nehe are strong and will stick together then I'll try and pull in Veronica to that group. Hopefully that will form a majority of four and we can get either Amanda or Richie out of here. it was great

amazing perfect i loved 3/17/17, 10:53:52 PM] Regan (India Host): uhm I'm not working with brian [3/17/17, 10:53:53 PM] Ashton: You're overreacting [3/17/17, 10:53:53 PM] twink brain ravioli: Mmm its basically just an anti-Brian thing!! [3/17/17, 10:53:57 PM] Regan (India Host): IM NEVER WORKING WITH BRIAN

my fave part

 I've been sleep the entire day so ofc the fact tribal is near and I didn't talk a lot Scares me  It always will when you sleep this close to tribal But I trust Ashton and Brian and they have no reason to abandon me

also can i just say whY IS IT IN ALL THESE SURVIVORS ITS ALWAYS ME OR SOME OTHER PEOPLE I LIKE ABOUT TO BE UP FOR BOOT LIKE WHY IS MY NAME ALWAYS THROWN AROUND IN THESE GAMES LIKE WHY CANT I LIVE FOR ONCE LIKE GOD DAMN I JUST WANT ONE TRIBAL WHERE MY NAME IS JUST NOT SAID AND I CAN LIVE I DONT FRIGGEN DO ANYTHING LIKE I JUST CHILL AND THEN EVENTUALLY SOMEONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO AND I DO IT BC IDK SURVIVOR I JUST DO IT TO MEET PEOPLE AND TRY TO GET SNAP STREAKS IM SO ????????????? i just need 2 go back to what im good at tbh and thats bb idk whats going on ever in survivors idk whats going on this game richie said he was gonna play his idol on me bc ppl were saying me and then i said ppl have been saying him and im just ???? i love lies and deception and being at the bottom >.< >.> <.< <.> ok rant over im ready to die if i do die at tribal

[cassidy-malta]

March 30: God Save the Cass

I'm not an emotional person but I was pretty much constantly crying in London so I guess I'm getting old.

(Probably the most London picture I'll ever take)

Where do I begin?! This weekend I added another event to my "Things to do when you're either very stupid or very brave" and I packed up my backpack and hopped on a plane to England- ALL BY MYSELF. Let's pretend I woke up and leapt out of bed, excited to take on this new adventure (I woke up at 4:45 for an early flight so there was no leaping or excitement for a couple hours). I took a death defying taxi ride through the city and boarded my plane with no issues. I tried to read some homework (Amouris Laetitia by Pope Francis) but instead simply slept the entire flight.

I landed Turbulently in Birmingham, UK and was promptly interviewed by a border patrol agent.

"What brings you here? Holiday?" -the seemingly kind agent

"Yeah, visiting a friend. He's from the states. I'm from the States too but you probably know that because you're holding my passport. You know it says I'm from North Dakota but I haven't lived there for like 17 years so should I say I'm from North Dakota or Minne-" -me, before getting cut off by a now-annoyed English border agent

"How much money are you planning on spending?"

I just laughed nervously until she stamped my passport and ushered me away.

I promptly discovered that I had booked tickets to Nottingham leaving from the wrong station so I frantically managed to get a quick train to the proper station where my pal Karl picked me up. He's studying abroad with a Luther program like I am, except his program is a full academic year and based out of Nottingham. Karl showed off his stomping ground to me. He took me through Wollaston Park, saw "Wayne Manor" from the Batman movies, begrudgingly took me to the city circle, and he even continued to talk to me after I DESTROYED him at Scrabble (I gloat. A lot.). He gave me two days full of R&R- much needed time to rejuvenate as I've now hit the halfway point in my experience.

(Karl was such a good sport- we even went out for coffee after his humiliating defeat)

Sunday morning I rushed to the train station to catch my 10:30 train to London only to fight with the ticket teller when my train didn't show up. He pointed out that my ticket was for Saturday afternoon. I didn't like that answer.

(I learned that I love riding on trains. Especially when it is this roomy.)

£30 later, I was on a train to London! I gazed longingly out at the English countryside in an effort to mimic literary characters and authors alike before caving to boredom and watching the pilot episode of The Crown on Netflix to prepare myself. The train pulled into Pancras Station (not to be pronounced as Pancreas) and jogged across the street to Kings Cross Station to see Platform 9 3/4. I suddenly was overwhelmed with happy tears- the first time since my parents surprised me with a trip to Disney when I was 6. I, Cassidy Woods, have wanted to see this Harry Potter location since I first picked up a book in 3rd grade and there I was, staring at it. I had planned this trip all on my own- traveled by myself, exercised ALL of my self sufficiency and independence to land right there in Kings Cross Station. Even more empowering than successfully clapping back at someone on Facebook or standing on a stage accepting a scholarship or award or crown (although those experiences have proven to be some of the most empowering).

(I decided not to stand in line for 2 hours, so this picture had to suffice)

Don't worry though, my ego was almost instantly deflated by the London tube system. To all of you on Facebook, email, twitter, etc. that said it was easy, I have a serious beef with you. I confidently and excitedly walked into the Kings Cross Underground Station, took a solid look around, and decided the two miles wouldn't be too bad of a walk.

I spent my first afternoon in London exploring the Wellcome Collection (I once used a woodcut owned by the museum as a resource in one of my papers- I've wanted to go see the collection of medical oddities ever since) and then walked another mile or so to the British Museum (I can now say that I have accidentally stumbled upon the Rosetta Stone). I made my way to Piccadilly square with NO inkling as to what it was (London Times Square), watched street performers, are cheap Chinese, and marveled at how tired I was. When my friend Lexa was finally free, I rushed to Baker Street to meet with her and mooch off her free lodging.

(I miss my mummy - a text sent to my mother with this picture. Tell me I'm funny.)

(For some reason, finding an Easter Island Head was a priority of mine. I hate to admit that I walked by this many times before I looked up and saw it)

(They're pretty proud of Baker Street's Sherlock association)

Saturday I adventured out with the sole intention of seeing the touristy sights. I braved the tube (it made so much more sense with a map- it's so easy omg) and emerged from Westminster station to walk by old buildings only to stop dead in my tracks.

I had stumbled right into the site of the terrorist attacks. The old building I passed was Big Ben. I was surrounded by people and flowers. I shakily proceeded, not sure what to expect. I remembered my confusion and solemness as I visited the 9/11 memorial my sophomore year of high school but no such feelings arose this time. To visit the sight of a massacre just days after the attack... there aren't words. For the second time, London moved me to tears- no, London moved me to sobs. I walked the path that people walked just last Wednesday and were killed. I watched cars speed past me on a road that a single man veered off of to commit this crime. I felt utterly helpless. The attack was more real to me than any attack has ever been in my life. The victims now had faces and desires. They weren't foreign strangers. They were just like me.

Flowers were everywhere. Notes of well wishing, patches from police departments, flags from across the world, stickers, and candles peppered the sidewalks, gates, and fences. Police walked around freely, conversing with tourists and pedestrians, even accepting donations. There wasn't a vigil or gathering there which struck me. For these Londoners- the best and perhaps only strategy they have in the wake of such senseless violence is to move forward. Life continues. They refuse to be afraid or let this event incapacitate them. They stagger onwards in the most admirable of ways- as if they have a choice in the matter.

I took this sudden unexpected wave of emotions into Westminster Abbey where I took the tour and lit a candle (highly recommend this attraction!). I walked to the London Eye before trekking to Buckingham palace (the queen was in so cass was out). I took the tube to Maxwell's Bar and Grill where I got a hamburger with two cups of melted cheese to smother it in (ever been simultaneously satisfied and disgusted before?) before wandering Piccadilly and Oxford circuses for a couple hours.

(Hands down the most touristy picture I have ever taken. Both proud and disgusted)

(I accidentally found China)

Finally it was time for one of the most anticipated events of the weekend: The Warner Brothers Studio Tour - The Making of Harry Potter. My little nerdy heart soared and I spent 3 hours perusing the props, original costumes, film secrets, and gift shop. The experience was filled with awe-filled gasps and was overall magical! For any Harry Potter fan big or small, I could not recommend this tour enough. You really feel like one of the cast and it certainly reignited a love for Harry Potter that had been dimmed with age.

(the first part of the tour was the Great Hall in all of its glory. I don't think my jaw left the floor.)

(I got my Platform 9 3/4 photo!)

(The highlight of the tour was a scale model of the castle)

My third and final day began with a long walk. I wish I could say it was an intentional, healthful 2 mile walk through London's SouthBank, but in all honesty I got off at the wrong tube stop and was too stubborn to correct my error. I walked along the Thames and treated myself to a bubble waffle (why have I never seen these before!?!?!?) until my eyes were able to feast upon my single goal for the day: Shakespeare's Globe.

My mom calls me a huge geek for my Shakespearean affinity but what's not to love? Complex writing, hidden messages, jokes, drama, death, and a deep socio-political history. Not to mention that Shakespeare created a ton of the English language. The Globe theatre and exhibition were both super informative and simply fun to be a part of.

(A recreation of the original but still historically magnificent)

(Street art outside of the Globe underneath London Bridge)

I spent my final afternoon shopping once again, this time at the outskirts of Hyde Park. I once again retreated in tears when I saw the bloodied victim of a car accident. I've never seen a human laying in a pool of their own blood so it was quite the traumatic sight, requiring a phonecall to mom and a few calming moments before fleeing the scene. The trip ended by catching a train to the London Luten airport (if possible, avoid this airport at all costs. VERY crowded, disorganized, and undergoing construction). I returned to Malta a new and refreshed woman, ready to take on two weeks of academics before my next adventure - Morocco (Africa- eep!!!).

(British English has worn off on me)

Last week I loved answering your questions and was shocked by how many there were. Please feel free at any given moment to send in a question and I'll either answer it in my next post or shoot you an email/message/whatever. Thank you all for your support, love, and mail (especially the pre-emotive birthday greeting -thanks Sherri!).

Until next week!