#calamity answers

[calamity-aims]

a cure for cody!! <3

dimple Cody IS the cure

[mengyan]

hiii!! what were your top 5 stories of 2024? anything you watched/read!

ahhhh oomfie sorry for the late reply!! you’ve unlocked a can of worms!!! this won’t be in any particular order, just what comes to mind first:

1. tai sui by priest

you know a novel is good when i’m only near the end of book 2/5 and i’m recommending it. just these first few arcs have taken my breath away— priest’s worldbuilding, her ability to write unique and visceral descriptions of body horror without being overly gory, how in a no-cp novel you can still feel the love, romantic or otherwise, shine through so clearly, how she takes the “chosen one” trope and carves her own path from it… i could go on and on. just such a beautifully crafted story and i cannot wait for it to continue destroying me.

2. erha by roubao bu chi rou

this one took my second attempt at reading to really enjoy! the first time i read half of it, it was admittedly through a tl found online and i couldn’t grasp the story and characters well enough. i then restarted from the beginning in 2024 by reading it through the official tl, and let me tell you, it did WONDERS. i was so invested and was often up until 8 AM still reading! i really love how meatbun slowly unravelled the mysteries of the plot and connected everything from past to present so well. in the end i came away from reading erha with a problematic fave and a nonexistent ship that i completely made up... and now i'm absolutely dying waiting for my trusted mutuals to read too so i can scream about them 😭

3. card room by die zhiling

the longest unlimited flow novel i've read thus far! 600 chapters and worth every one. i loved everything about this novel, whether it be the main cp's tacit understanding and unconditional trust and love for each other, the strength of the bonds between the main team, even the side cps shaoye and jiutang! the rooms and card types were all interesting and i never felt bored even from the length. the plot twists that kept twisting had me losing my MIND in oomf's DMs even though they had no idea what was going on 😭 honestly you could pitch this novel to me with just SHAO QINGGE and i'd read it. rich charismatic soft-hearted fiercely loyal gay CEO with maroon hair in a ponytail and a penchant for matchmaking? say less!!!

4. yufengxing (the legend of shen li) [drama]

one of my favourite dramas of 2024! perfect from start to finish whether it be the STUNNING directing and cgi, the costuming, the sets, the story, or the characters. such a breath of fresh air too among the recent xianxia market where we got not just ten minutes but a whole episode's worth of happy chill epilogue. i know i can always count on a jlfx novel adaptation to save me and yufengxing was no exception; in fact i think it's one of her best yet!

5. the letter from the cloud (2022) [drama]

cheating a little with this drama from 2022 but if you followed me on twitter you would see that i've been a different person since late feb 2024 when i first watched this. literally changed the trajectory of my life. is it a perfect drama? ehhhh i rated it 7.5/10. but that doesn't mean it was bad either- i would actually have rated this 8.5 or even 9 if the second ML was nonexistent. he literally was not needed and ruined so many things LOL.

in any case, the political plot is easy and interesting to follow, the main cast and side characters (sans 2ML) are all great, even the antagonists are fun to watch, i am so, so, SO obsessed with the relationship between gu yi (the FL) and zhou yue (the 2FL), who are married divorced zhiji best friends husband and wife, the comedy is so unserious but not over the top, the main ship is cute and i would definitely ship them more if i didn't ship gu yi and zhou yue but that doesn't mean they aren't good, the OST was sung by the two FLS!!!!!, and i am so crazy about this drama that i fixed the MTL youtube subs into something more watchable in this folder here.

i promise i am so normal about this drama haha <3 definitely not insane <3 definitely did not fully spiral into my obsession with fu jing because of it <3

thanks for asking!!! if you need more info on any of these i'm always down to answer!! :D

edit: Wait. WAIT I HAVE TO MENTION THE SPIREALM!!! THIS ONE IS UP THERE WITH YUFENGXING. i watched it without subs in a delirious 48 hour haze when it first dropped and it did not disappoint. one of the greatest novel to drama adaptations of all time; even with the changes made, it didn’t take away from its excellency. i love it so much and i need to do a proper rewatch in my free time!!!!! absolute cinema from beginning to end!!!!!!

[calamity-talvi]

3 people you'd like to get to know better

(because I also think 9 would be a bit presumptuous of me, and I don't know enough people to ask)

tagged: @saladscream

tagging: @theroundbartable, @tansyuduri and @thesongistheriver

2 non-romantic duos :

Wen Kexing & Ye Beiyi

They claim to hate each other's guts, constantly bickering and calling each other names or fighting each other. And I just love their interactions more than anything. At the end of it all it's like a reluctant uncle and a bratty kid dynamic and the bickering and name calling never ends xD

Merlin & Gwaine

For similar reasons to Saladscream, the two of them are partners in crime. If something strange happens in Camelot then it's likely they were up to something and Arthur will just eye-roll. Gwaine is one of Merlin's best friends and though in canon the guy doesn't know of Merlin's magic, I think he'd have stood by Merlin's side. Especially if it meant grander tricks.

A ship that might surprise others:

Umm... I don't have one off the top of my head, sorry!

Last song: Here by Junna, because I was out picking up something and listening to anime openings I like lol

Last film: Paddington 3 a couple weeks back.

Currently reading: Besides fanfiction then I just started volume 6 of Apothecary Diaries novel.

Currently watching: Um... I'm terrible at working through my to-be-watched list, however I'm trying to finish a cdrama called Reunion. Which is something I've been on/off watching for a couple months now

Currently consuming: Umm... again also a lot of Merthur fics.

Currently craving: The ability to write all the stories haunting me, because there is a lot. Oh and cookies! I really fancy some homemade cookies atm.

[calamity-talvi]

- I have 2 cats (Tova and Nanno)

- Not sure, it changes frequently but atm homemade chocolate chip cookies slightly warmed up

-I only speak English fluently, however know a few words in; Swedish, Finnish and German

- I have a type speed of between 65-72 words per minute depending on the complexity of what I am typing.

-Also survived university and graduated this year! \O.o/

Thank you @gramnel for the tag. Tagging (tho no pressure to answer!); @sofancydancy @thesongistheriver @tinbramble

Tag game because I want to know you better !

-Do you have a pet ?

-Comfort food ?

-How many languages do you speak ?

- Random fact about yourself

-Something you’re proud of

To begin this little tag game, I’ll tag @ebony-reine-vibes @freddie-77-ao3 @newobsessioneveryweek @thehaikuman and @miraclesnail

I hope the questions aren’t boring and love you all 😘

[asktheritochampion]

Rahlin, PLEASE show us high Revali.

[askthehylianchampion]

*Gives you a Revali voodoo doll*

For your troubles, sir.💖

[demiboydemon]

Urbosa and Revali perhaps

[Image ID: Two human-shaped figures with pride flag patterns on them on a black background. On the left is a figure with the lesbian/sapphic/wlw pride flag on her, and on the left is a figure with the gay/mlm pride flag on him. The wlw pride figure is kicking the mlm pride figure in the stomach, sending him flying back in the air. Written in white letters on the image are the words, “wlw/mlm hostility”. End ID]

YES GIRLBOSS 👏

(image ID in alt text)

[wayfayrr]

do you think the self-aware boys could be aware of other games you play on the console? this is kind of a silly thought but i got age of calamity when it came out and didn't play much because i was really bad at it. i've been playing totk recently but some self-aware au posts reminded me that i have age of calamity so i popped it back in to try out again (i'm still not great at it). and i just imagined tears getting jealous haha sorry hon i swear i didn't mean anything by it

(not me who plays a ton of indie games on my switch - guys I'm so sorry I just like the silly sushi game)

So as for them being aware of other games, they start off as not knowing much, just knowing that they're there. but after a while they can see the hours played! think the switch timer that shows how much you've played or maybe steam library style, I'm not entirely sure yet

as for your other point - I think their jealousy really depends on what game you're playing, how long you're playing for kinda a mix on the two!

other zelda games could have little/no jealousy or they could actually end up causing a literal fight if those two links met. I actually really need to draw out a relationship chart! cause I've been planning a self aware links meet and I've been stewing over this for a good while <3

say for legend? yeah, he's not going to be jealous of himself - that would be a waste of energy Sky would be a little petty if your totk playtime is higher than his but he gets along well with tears - to the point he'd be willing to share you with him (the same goes for wild/ possibly wars) Twilight wants to work with others - not all of them mind you but time, wild and wind? given the chance he will go out of his way to work with them rather than not and he is the ONLY one who does this - this is not 100% reciprocated with all of those links. (and his allies depend on what console you're on) the others are opportunistic with allies but they don't go out of their way like he does.

other series games? yeah no get them OUT of here they aren't sharing you with them.

in your case though anon?

I think tears would be more than fine with you playing aoc!! he's a little bitter over the fact (in his head) you might prefer the version of him that didn't die but no don't worry he's not that offended Calamity on the other hand? he's going to be a smug little shit. He had more than a bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to the others - aoc kinda flopped compared to other games (4mil copies to totks 20mil (totk sold half of aocs total sales in japan in THREE DAYS)) if you have more hours with him than with wild/tears then he will become more of an ass and get whiny about having your attention on him when he gets out. I also like to hc him as having really bad anxiety which leads to a really clingy yan

[dirtyassvoiceactors]

PATIA’S ORB TO CROKAS! YES!

Library of Alexandria to a Monk, so i see Ioun also has a type

Liam: “You gave Killer Croc all the knowledge of the ancient world”

Brennan: “Because when you give it to smarties, we saw what happens”

Yep give it to monks, they’re like “I don’t need to learn arcane magic to make time stop, I’ll run so fast and punch you so hard in the face time might as well have stopped!”

And holy shit Crokas isn’t a blue dragonborn but with the Kord belt he can shoot lighting like one, ya know like a COBALT dragon

[gliphyartfan]

Good morning, afternoon or evening.

I'm not usually one to ask for anything, you know that well, but today...

Today I woke up curious, and I came to ask, if you have, any headcannon of the other links. Sage/Tears,Calamity/soldier,Koridai, Courage, First and maybe also about Shadow...that art of Dree left me thirsty for Four emo.

*inhales*

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE (⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠෴⁠ ⁠༎ຶ⁠)

—Double Anon

Alright alright! I hear you! Took forever to search for my old discussion about them

and at the end of the day, I just asked Yandy and Dree to hand in what we talked about. (Thank you my lovely dears, I always adore you~)

Anywho (sorry for it’s all over the place!)

So here are those headcanons!

- Courage was a street rat who earned a name for himself by using his street smarts to provide for himself. He was noticed by the royal family and initially hired to be a guard in the Castle. After learning Courage is the hero he left to travel and adventure.

- Korodai was similarly poor and orphaned but worked his way up through the Church of Hylia, not taking any serious vows but still training to be the Hyrulian equivalent of a monk who can kick ass(so like a knight for the church). He was still pretty goofy and silly though in spite of his intelligence.

- The people in the church learned he was the hero and sent him to the Royal Family where he continued his training. Korodai’s journey in “Faces of Evil” is his first official journey.

- Courage is incredibly strong, similar to Twilight except even moreso. People don’t really see this coming because of his lackadaisical and unserious nature, they don’t expect him to actually be that powerful.

- Because of his history on the streets, Courage never knew how to properly interact with nobility and royalty, which is how his “love-hate” relationship with Wisdom(his Zelda) started. He was attracted to her but she didn’t like how he had no manners and thus started the cycle.

- Both Korodai and Courage are exceptionally clever and resourceful.

(….And if one is around, so is the other. They are a duo! )

——-

Im sure Calamity/Soldier (I call him Cal) is very much the silent stalker yandere.

I feel like he can’t feel himself being able to fit in with the chain.

Because all of them are heroes, but the Master Sword doesnt even answer to him.

Or at least hasn’t said a word.

Basically all of these guys around him are accomplished but well, him? He’s not so special. The only way he knows how is to be darling's shadow.

And therefore follow them and around?

Maybe he’s learned some manners being the princess' guard, so he treats darling like royalty and their word is law hahaha.

———-

Sage? Overprotective to the max.

If Sage is Wild but hasn’t met darling until his third adventure, I think he would be very willing to see darling as a goddess easier.

In his eyes, she’d be unlike anyone he’s ever known. This reverence might show in small ways, he’s always gentle with her, speaks to her with the utmost respect, and sometimes catches himself just watching her in quiet awe, as if he can’t believe she’s real.

Cuz Darling would be like a breath of fresh air for him since everyone around him took advantage of him or only cared about him being the hero.

he’d also have possessive streak that he keeps under tight control, but any hint of jealousy unleashes it. If he sees someone getting too close to Darling, he’d be tempted to step in immediately, but hold back with a calm, collected demeanor.

His icy gaze speaks volumes though.

Darling is worth any sacrifice, and he makes it clear that he would do anything to keep her safe, even if it means his own life. (Though (y/n) is definitely working on fixing that mentality if she is aware of it.)

Her presence alone eases the burdens he’s carried for so long, helping him feel grounded and human in a way he hasn’t experienced in years.

After years of being questioned or pushed to his limits, Sage finally finds someone whose judgment he respects without question.

If she tells him to rest or take a step back, he listens, even if every fiber of his being wants to protect her.

Though, he’s the type to stay up until she falls asleep, keeping a silent watch over her to ensure nothing can disturb her rest.

———

First feels like the one who’s more jaded than Legend??? Kinda?

Because compared to Legend, First canonically points out how he’s only used for convenience when he’s really needed.

Hmmm...I personal always imagine First being very soft spoken (well, when he wasn't angered to the point of raising his voice)

Not super soft spoken, not like he’s a fragile person, but very calming to hear.

And he loves every part of her, even if it pains him to see her in any negative/unhappy state.

Would he want to show her the true depth of his loyalty and love? Absolutely.

But he'd also want her comforted and happy.

If she ever drifts off to sleep in his arms, he's whispering all his words to her. All the things he'd held back on saying when she was conscious.

They'd be intense, overwhelming, very very...well...Yandere. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

If she heard it, she'd definitely be frightened by the weight behind it.

But he waits until she's deeply asleep to do so. Maybe a small part of his hoping a small part of her acknowledges his words, even if he'd rather her not be aware what atrocities he'd commit in order to protect her.

First may be jaded, but he keeps his darker thoughts deeply buried. He despises anyone who threatens her happiness, his face a mask of calm while his heart seethes with unspoken rage. (You know how everyone agrees Sky has a scary face when angered? That’s First, he rivals Sky with his scariness except it’s colder.)

Behind the scenes, he’d handle any threat swiftly, never letting it reach her attention.

———

Shadow. He gives me vibes where he likes to cause harm for the fun of it. He enjoys causing chaos and despair and taunts people.

But he also yearns for companionship.

Shadow gets an undeniable thrill from causing chaos. He knows how to push buttons and stoke insecurities, loving the reactions he pulls from people.

But he’d be surprisingly gentle around (y/n), changing his dark sense of humor just a bit to make her smile.

When (y/n) pays attention to someone else, Shadow sulks like a petulant child. He’s prone to shooting them glares, muttering under his breath, and might even playfully (or not so playfully) trip them up just to remind her where her focus should be.

Shadow has no filter around people he doesn’t like, especially if they’re close to (y/n). His sarcasm can cut like a knife, and he won’t hesitate to call them out in the most biting way possible if he senses even a hint of a threat.

Shadow has a talent for inconveniencing others while staying just on the edge of innocence with (y/n). It could be someone’s drink spilling, their cloak tripping them up (or down a flight of stairs), or anything that paints them as awkward or foolish in front of her. He finds it hilariously satisfying.

Shadow wants to be the only one who can make (y/n) laugh, surprise her, or put a smile on her face. If someone else manages to get a genuine laugh out of her, he sees it as a challenge, scheming immediately about how he’ll one up them next time.

He’s not above showing his irritation in front of her if she’s giving too much attention to someone else. A muttered, “What, are they that funny?” or a dramatic sigh as he stands just a little too close, casting glances that all but scream “notice me instead.”

Shadow’s affection for (y/n) is one of the only things that holds him back from outright causing harm.

[calamity-aims]

pssst color palette challenge? ✨👀

commander fox with either 'they'll only miss you when you're gone' or 'good morning judge'? those both just soUnd so fitting for him?

someone else asked for this colorway with Fox too! here’s a scene from a fic I am LOVING, life during wartime by Chermit. The line has lived in my head rent free ever since -

He was only a little charred.

[mengyan]

hello calamity; this is a bit silly, but do you know what it means when fan twitter accounts of c-actors and actresses talk about another actor “buying hot-search?” This seems to get said a lot, are they saying the other actor is bribing people? (There unfortunately seems to be so much fighting on Twitter, even between fans of people who were costars before)

hi anon!! i’m actually not too well versed in weibo drama and controversies (i have no interest in getting involved with all that, i’m here for my fandoms and faves and that’s it) so i’m not 100% certain if my answer will be correct!

“buying hot search” refers to weibo’s 热搜 (lit. hot searches, essentially “trending topics”) and i’m pretty sure they’re judged on how often the phrase/term whatever is looked up/posted about in a certain amount of time— just like on twitter. so if someone is said to be “buying hot searches”, it implies that they’re paying people to talk about them/them and another party and get it trending so they receive attention, praise, (but most often) backlash.

that’s why you’d most often see this accusation brought up in fandom wars, particularly during cp VS solo fan wars— e.g. when actor A and actress B’s dating/breakup rumours get on the weibo hot searches, actor A’s side may go “look at them buying hot searches again, trying to rub off of our gege’s popularity!”, or actress B’s side would go “they need our jiejie’s heat so bad that they have to make up fake rumours and use her name again!” and stuff like that. so in a way yes, buying hot searches is synonymous with the accused actor/actor’s team “bribing” people to stir shit up, though of course we can never know what’s true and what’s false.

i definitely agree that the fandom environment is getting much worse </3 the fighting is insane!! while my faves’ fandoms are tearing at each other daily, i’m here praying for collaborations/second collaborations between them 😭 #bedifferent! #bethechange!

i hope this helps a bit anon! and if anyone feels the need to correct me, feel free to do so~

[calamity-talvi]

Ghost! Sparkle! Computer!

What is one WIP you think you may never pick back up?

The only one I can answer this with is a fic that I titled "merthur fic [that i'll never finish- want to finish tho]"

I do one day hope to finish it because I liked the set up for it ^_^

Choose three adjectives to complement your own writing.

These might not quite fit but; angsty & fluffy and I can't think of a third one. This was a really hard ask because I don't often compliment my own stuff lol

Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

For research it depends on what I am writing about, sometimes I wing it and other times if I want a certain thing to hit right so I will research just enough to make it feel right to me at least. Is it completely accurate? probably not but I'll research to my own level of satisfaction as trying for perfection often halts my drive to continue.

The deepest dive I have ever done wasn't even for a fic, it was for a scene in an original story and it was a character interrogating another for information and I had to look up things like the history of thumbscrews to make sure I knew how they worked to make the scene flow right.

However now that I have a few fanfics I'd like to work on, who knows maybe I'll have a new deepest dive

[kalamity-jayne]

Sorry for asking but I am a cis male teenager (well, I thought I was.) but lately I have realized I think I might be a trans girl? I am very scared to drop my masculinity. How did you find out you were trans if that’s okay to ask?

Of course it's ok! I am always happy to help someone who is questioning their gender. However, this is actually a pretty loaded question, because while there is a lot of talk about "when my egg cracked" in trans circles, figuring out you're trans isn't always attributable to any one singular event. Some folks might crack through and emerge from their egg in one swift motion but that is not true for everyone, it certainly wasn't true for me. Sure I could tell about the moment the first crack in my shell appeared, but a single crack in the egg is a far cry from actually breaking out. For many it's a process that can involve a series of revelations and tends to require lots of self reflection and learning how to love yourself. So, there is no quick and easy answer for this. However, I think my story will have a number of different lessons relevant to your question.

Before getting into all that though, I feel I must point out that cisgender folks rarely ask themselves these kinds of questions and when they do entertain these thoughts it's brief and comes with very little agony. The fact you have gone so far as to reach out to trans woman for advice, the fact the you are clearly worried by the prospect of being trans, is a pretty clear indicator that you probably are trans. Regardless of whether you actually are transgender or not, I want you to know that either way, it's ok. You will be ok, no matter what conclusions you come to.

Now, the story of how I figured out I was trans. Bear in mind, the first “aha moment” was 20 yrs ago and things were very different back then. I was about 17yrs old at the time and the term transgender didn't have the currency then that it does now, there wasn't the robust set of terminology that we have today, there were far fewer resources to turn to, no social media, and the overall public opinion was significantly more hostile towards anything LGBT. Anyway, more below the cut.

I didn't follow the typical trans narrative of the time in the sense that, as a child I didn't really care about my clothes so long as my favorite cartoon characters were on 'em, I liked toys typically marketed towards boys, I looked like a boy and everyone referred to me as a boy. So I thought I was a boy. However, I do have a vague memory from early childhood, somewhere between the ages of 4-6, of sneaking into my mother’s room and stealing a pair of her satin underwear and trying it on (it surely would have been too big on me but I remember liking the texture of the fabric) and hiding it under my bed. This memory has since been confirmed during my adulthood by my brother who shared a room with me at the time and had apparently found the hidden stash.

From an early age I was explicitly shunted towards masculinity. I was regularly told to “stop acting like a girl,” and “quit crying like a girl,” and even at one point to “stop walking like a girl,” by my peers and one of my brothers. By the time I was a teenager I was doing my best to be as masculine as possible going so far as joining the highschool wrestling team, a sport that is as homophobic as it is homoerotic, and I hated every minute of it because being manly didn't feel natural to me (and it definitely didn't stop the bullying). It felt like I was trying to ice skate uphill. I fit in but only imperfectly for I was merely acting.

I was also very confused about my sexuality. I thought maybe I was gay or bisexual (turns out the latter) but that didn’t really explain what I was feeling. Around 17yrs old I got curious about transsexuals, thinking maybe the answers would be found there and hoped on to the early and oh so clunky internet. Now I knew of transsexuals conceptually but I didn't know anything about them. Sadly, pornography was really the only reliable way to actually see what a trans body looked like back then. I was stunned because the women I saw did not look at all the way I expected. I was blown away by how so many of them, genitalia aside, looked indistinguishable from cisgender women. And they were all absurdly beautiful. I felt an immediate attraction but there was something else I felt too, envy. And that realization was the first crack in my eggshell.

After that I couldn't get the thought of crossdressing out of my head. So, I dug through a box of my mother's old clothes and took a few items she no longer wore, an old white tennis skirt and a very very 70s sleeveless orange blouse. I was so comfortable in those clothes and when I looked at myself in the mirror I felt good, really good. So, I continued exploring, shaved off all of of my body hair, went to department stores that were open late at night to buy girl clothes (deathly afraid someone would recognize me), I would stay up late at night to watch HBO because at midnight they would occasionally air stuff about trans people, (I remember two documentary shorts in particular and the movie Soldier’s Girl) and I scoured the internet for more information. The internet search brought me to a website called TG list (at least I think that’s what it was called, this was 20yrs ago after all) which was a directory of resources ranging from The Breast Form Store (which still exists!), a myriad of gender identity quizzes (I took nearly every single one), and Susan’s Place.

Susan’s place was one of the few reliable places to hear from actual transgender adults. Unfortunately, while Susan's Place had a lot of useful information the forums there were full of horror stories, a never-ending supply of all the things those women had suffered. So needless to say, there was little to no positivity around transness to give me hope. I was afraid to call myself trans as a result, afraid of what it meant for my life, my future, and my physical safety (you have to remember that back then Mathew Shepard wasn’t old news, his tragedy was practically current events). So I called myself a crossdresser but for reasons I didn't understand at the time I deeply resented that label. I think deep down, no matter how much I tried to deny it and bury it, a part of knew I wanted to be a girl. So when I came out to my parents as a crossdresser and explicitly told them I wasn't trans, that I didn’t have any desire to transition to female, there was that lil voice at the back of my mind calling me a liar. That voice would follow me until my late 20s.

Coming out was a real struggle for me because not only did I think my life would literally be in jeopardy, I thought everyone would think I was making it up, having not followed the stereotypical models of transsexuality. When I came out to my parents they didn't disown me or anything but they were noticeably uncomfortable around me when I was in girl mode. At a certain point I needed their help (credit card) to buy a gaff for tucking and that was when my parents, out of a misguided desire to protect me, pushed me back into the egg. Because of their rejection I spent the rest of highschool and most of my college years trying to hold the egg together with even more denial and by doubling down on masculinity. While I did have some fun during my college years, on balance I was miserable and depressed. I chafed at my male costume and I knew I was lying to myself the entire time, and I hurt myself a great deal.

During my senior year of college I started privately dabbling with crossdressing again, the desire had been nagging at me incessantly. A short time after graduating I met my wife who accepted that side of me and she introduced me to the BDSM/kink community, and the overall culture of nonjudgmental acceptance there cracked the egg for good, because is provided spaces besides my own room where I felt safe being a girl. From that point on I slowly but surely came out of the egg, first calling myself a crossdresser, then genderfluid for awhile, then GENDA passed in NY making me an explicitly protected class and for the next 2 yrs I presented as a they/them genderqueer woman 100% full time without HRT (I was still reluctant to call myself a woman).

I wrestled a long time with the choice to go on HRT. Ultimately that was always a big stumbling block for me. Therapy had gotten me pretty far but I was still afraid of so much and was unsure I would be happy with the changes because my parents had initially rejected me as their daughter in very paternalistic fashion I struggled to trust my own instincts. I still struggle with that sometimes. Eventually, I befriended a trans woman in my neighborhood who pointed out HRT works very slowly and that it takes a long time for any permanent changes to take root. So, she suggested I give it a try and if it didn't feel right I could stop.

I was also taking gender identity quizzes again. Now most of these claim to be diagnostic and those ones a generally misogynistic garbage (they ask stupid questions like, “are you good at math?” and assign a gendered value to the answer) but I happened upon one that started with the disclaimer that it wasn't diagnostic and instead only offered questions that are good to think with. Two questions in particular were very helpful. The first asked, "If you could take a pill that would allow you to wake up tomorrow as a girl, would you take it?" My answer was a hesitant yes, but that yes was bolstered by the next question, "If you could take a pill that would allow you to wake up as a man, in your current body, but without any dysphoria or desires to be feminine, would you take it?" My answer was an emphatic no because that would have felt like killing an important part of myself off. I then at the age of 33yrs old started HRT and 4yrs in I am incredibly happy. That was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Now, I know that was a lot of fucking text to read but I wrote all of that because I know the prospect of maybe being a trans girl feels scary to you right now but I want to assure you that as daunting as it may seem there is so much about being a trans woman that is full of beauty and joy. I love my trans womanhood and despite the hardships, I wouldn’t give it up for anything. In fact the opposite is true. Knowing what I know now, I would give up almost everything in order to be a woman. So if you feel like you want to give girlhood a try, do it! You can take small incremental steps and you can always stop if it doesn’t feel right, either way you will gain a degree of self knowledge most cisgender people lack completely and that is absolutely priceless! Plus, unlike me when I was a teen, there’s all kinds of resources and information available to you now and an entire community of people ready to help you, and unlike the women in the forums from my past, we aren’t all gloom and doom.

As for your fear of giving up masculinity, don’t let that fear lure you into the denial trap like it did me. Denial is like quicksand, once you’re in it becomes hard to get out, the more you struggle the deeper in you go and it is so very suffocating. And the thing is, you actually don’t have to give it all up. Back when I was presenting full time as woman without HRT, I felt like I had to be ultra feminine all the time, full face of make-up, dress, heels, the whole nine yards. Now that I’m 4 yrs in with HRT I don’t feel that pressure anymore and have since reclaimed certain aspects of masculinity I actually liked. I sill like presenting high femme from time to time but these days I mostly rock a soft butch aesthetic, flannel/t-shirt, jeans and the only makeup I wear daily is just a lil bit of blush. At certain point you become comfortable and realize that gender is just a sandbox to play in and experiment. Masculine and Feminine are just concepts, they aren’t real! so regardless of being cis or trans, don’t let those mere concepts box you in! Just do what feels natural and right to you!

I hope all of that was helpful to you anon, and that at the very least you walk away from this knowing you don’t have to have all of the answers about yourself right now. Now, I don't no the particulars of your situation, so I’m happy to speak with you further if you have follow up questions, just send another anon.

Best of luck to you anon, I am rooting for you!

Big hugs,

Mother Calamity

[straycalamities]

chase is now only for ppl who've met/know me irl given my issues with trust/paranoia, identity, and receiving parasocial attachments through the years, i shoulda known going by my actual name online wouldn't be a great time when i came back to being more active in it publically but i did it anyways and it's led to problems

so i've dialed it back so yeah "brian" or "stray" or "calamity" all work

[asktheritochampion]

When you started reading this, you got hit with a truth serum. You will now only speak the truth for the next ten questions you receive in your mail. Have fun!

...Wait hold on. That's not- that doesn't-

Not that I have anything to hide but...they can't do that right?

Right?