episode one: the hellfire club
Robin waves her hands in the air as if to get Steveโs voice away from her. โEw! Gross, donโt say boobiesโโ
โBoobies! Itโs not a big dealโโ
You make a face. โIt isnโt the most pleasant word.โ
โOh, cโmon. You like boobies, Robin likes boobies, and we all know I love your boobies specificallyโow!โย
You hit the back of Steveโs head with annoyance to get him to stop talking about your boobs. While he winces in pain and rubs his tender head, you turn towards Robin. โWhat my darling boyfriend is trying to say is that everyone likes boobs, and Vickie definitely likes them too.โย
Summary: el writes to you as if youre her husband away at war, you debate the intricate nature of liking boobies with robin and steve, lucas is your beloved while eddie munson is your sworn enemy, steve accidentally exposes your (horribly hidden) daddy issues, dustin is an angsty teen, and jonathan really loves to drop emotional bombshells on you. can you believe this all happens in one day ? lol cheers to senior year !
Rating: general, some swearing
Warnings: swearing, fem!reader, use of y/n, mentions of abuse, allusions to bullying, trauma lol
Words: 13.5k (wrote half of this in one day)
Before you swing in: SHES HERE !!!! SEASON 4 !!! this season terrifies me. i spent so much time outlining and making sure it was perfect. i have some changes i want to do, some ideas, and its scary because we dont have season 5 yet and i hate messing with canon ,,, alas: here she is. my baby. my beloved. quick fun fact: theres a scene in here ive had planned since season 1 so .... enjoy !
โ
March 21st, 1986.
Dear Y/N,
Congratulations on New York University! Joyce tells me that it is a very good college, and everyone was extremely happy when Jonathan told us the news. He even had a smile on his face! It has been a very long time since I have seen him smile, especially without that weird smell on him (am I allowed to tell you about the strange plants that Jonathan seems to like now? He says that you cannot find out about it, but friends donโt lie and he is your bestest friend).ย
I asked Will about it, and he says that Jonathan now smells because he misses you. If you ask me, I think that Jonathan smells because he is scared. We are still waiting for his college letter, afterall. I know you want to go to school with him, but so does Nancy. Is it possible to go to two colleges? Anyways, it must be a lot of pressure, even more with all the waiting we have to do, but Joyce told us that sometimes colleges take a long time to respond.ย
While I am positive that Jonathan will figure it all out soon, he pretends he does not care. But he is a very bad liar. He was very upset that Nancy could no longer visit us in California. Will was bummed too, but he was more sad that it was not you who was visiting. Joyce says that the Byers boys were born to miss you, and I think she is right.ย
I also miss you. I am still bummed I never went to school with you. I bet Mike is over the moon to have you with him for high school, Dustin and Lucas also. How is Max? Is she still sad? I know school has been hard for her. I will admit that it is hard for me, too. While I am good at maths, and my grammar is getting better, I am still unsure when to use conjunctions or why Angela does not like me. Will tells me to ignore her, but I want to be her friend. She is nice to everyone else. It confuses me that she is not nice to me.
A lot about California confuses me. The flowers here are different, and sometimes I forget that I cannot go and visit you. I miss the smell of Bookstrordinary (did I spell it right?) and your cookies. Please send more as soon as you can. Will and I are almost dying to taste them again! Mike says he will try to bring some on the plane, but I am scared he will be told no by those scary airplane people.
Speaking of Mike, he is coming to California this week! I am very excited to see him. It has felt like years, I think I am even going crazy. I have planned everything for his week here. Spring break will be extra special! It will be a fun distraction from Angela and school. This week I can pretend to be someone else, someone cool, and Mike will be very impressed. I know you tell me to always be myself, so I hope that I can make you happy by taking your advice on focusing only on the good.ย
To prove I will focus on the good from here on out, here is a good things list:ย
Mike is visiting!
Will has almost finished his painting. I am very curious to see what he has made. He is really talented, he shows me the drawings he sends you sometimes.ย
You got into NYU! Is this the correct way to abbreviate? I am still working on conjunctions, but I think I am supposed to use the first letter of every word in the schoolโs name to shorten it. At least, that is what Joyce says.ย
Jonathanโs new best friend, Argyle, will give us free pizza to celebrate Mikeโs arrival. It is really good pizza.ย
Tasting your cookies again. Fingers crossed Mikeโs plan succeeds!
I am sure there is more, but I am too excited about this week and my mind is going very fast. I miss you tons, maybe even more than Will and Jonathan do. Please come visit us soon. Like Joyce says, the Byers boys were born to miss you. Although I am not a Byers boy, I am still a part of the Byers family, and I miss you.ย
Love, El.
P.S., thank you for the grammar books. I will be sure to become the best writer ever in California.ย
โ
Sweet, gentle, El. You can almost hear her voice, reading aloud to you as you used to do when she lived in Hopperโs cabin. She would stumble over the letters, ask you how to sound out particularly difficult words in Spider-Man comics; they helped her learn how to read. Now, almost a year later, sheโs writing you letters.ย
El has grown up so much within such a short few months, although it doesnโt surprise you.
Laughing softly as you reread the final line sheโs written, you wipe your eyes and place Elโs letter onto your desk. The piece of paper joins the others, nestled gently with a pile of her other letters that are housed on your desk. El sends you a new letter every week, detailing silly stories about Jonathan and Will or concerned ramblings about Angela.
The letters make you miss El terribly. They make you missย everyoneย terribly.ย
Next to the letters are drawings from Will. Heโs become such an artist during his time in California. He sends you beautiful sketches of landscapes in their neighborhood, doodles from class, and incredibly detailed drawings of you and the party. The drawings are Willโs special way to keep in contact with you, and itโs something you cherish so deeply. However, you didnโt know that he was working on a painting, and youโre curious to see what El is talking about. Eventually heโll reveal his art to you, he always does.ย ย
Skimming a finger over one of the more recent drawings from Will, your hand catches on the walkman that lays next to it. Jonathanโs messy handwriting is scrawled on the mixtape that sits within it.
For bug.
The words, familiar and loved, stare back at you. The mixtape contains songs that Jonathan so carefully chose for you. He spent countless hours selecting songs that he knew youโd love, songs that reminded him of you. It had been his gift for you before he moved away. And now heโs gone, and you miss him so much more than you ever thought you would. More than you ever thought you could miss anyone.ย ย
Jonathan never did end up coming to Hawkins for spring break.ย
โDusty, whatโs going on in there?โ The sound of your mother pounding on Dustinโs door breaks you from your thoughts. โYouโre gonna be late.โ
โDonโt come in, Iโm naked!โ You hear the boy screech back at her, which you roll your eyes at. Steve will be here to pick you guys up any minute. Dustin knows he should be ready by now, the schedule has never changed.ย
Throwing on the cardigan Steve got you for Christmas last year, you grab your walkman and storm over to Dustinโs room. At the same time, your mother nearly crashes into you in the hall. Her face is pale, horrified of the idea that she almost saw her son naked, and you pity the woman. Dustin has become relentless lately, even more difficult to deal with.ย
โY/N, my dear,โ your mother clutches at her chest and fans her face. โCan you please make sure your brother is ready? I think that boy is trying to give me a heart attack.โ
You sigh, figuring you would have to do so anyways. โYeah, sure. Go finish getting ready, Iโll handle him.โ
โThis is why youโre my favorite daughter!โ Your mother kisses your cheek before running off towards the kitchen to make her morning coffee.ย
Once sheโs gone, you immediately start banging on Dustinโs door. He knows you hate being late. Plus, itโs the Friday before spring break. Youโre getting antsy waiting for this week to end. โDustin Henderson, you have three seconds before I kick this door down.โ
โNot now, Y/N!โ Dustin shouts back, frantic and desperate.ย
You narrow your eyes. Heโs using his suspicious voice, the one he only uses when heโs doing something he absolutely shouldnโt be doing. Glancing down at your watch and noting the early hour, you curse in disbelief. โItโs not even seven yet, what the hell are you up to so early in the morning?โ
โNothing! Just go away, Iโll be out soonโโ
โI swear, if youโre trying to sell my limited edition comics again I willย hurt you.โ You throw your body against the door, causing it to fly open as you stumble inside. Dustin is at his computer and he nearly falls off his chair in his haste to cover the screen from you. Heโs remarkably horrible at playing cool. Youโre about to tell him this when Suzieโs voice crackles through his radioโs speakers.ย
โYikes, Dusty.โ
โSuzie?โ You walk over to your brother and shove his hands off the computer screen. He falls to the ground with a loud thud, which pleases you. He may be a teenager now, but youโre still stronger than him. At least for now. โWhy are you calling her right nowโโ Your eyes land on the screen and you recognize Hawkins Highโs familiar orange and green school colors. โIs this theย student gradebook?โ
โNo!โ Dustin exclaims, but Suzieโs small and soft voice responds, โYes.โ
โOh my God,โ you cannot believe heโs making his girlfriend hack into your schoolโs database. Sure, sheโs a genius, but you also know sheโs incredibly religious. โDustin, this is so illegal and goes against, like, all of Suzieโs religious moralsโโ
โI will repent later.โ Suzie interrupts you, and you raise your eyebrows at what sheโs just said. Before you can question her, Dustinโs computer refreshes.ย
He leans forward, eyes scanning to see if theyโve succeeded, and he seems to like what he sees. Suddenly Dustin lets out a sudden whoop and fist bumps the air. โGod, I love you Suzie.โ
Curious, you lean over and read the screen as well. There, where you know Dustin had a D- in Latin not even a day ago, is now an A. Thereโs no possible way he was able to raise his grade in under twenty-four hours. He sucks at Latin, heย hatesย it, which meansโฆ She did it. Suzie changed his grade. All she had to do was press one single button to save Dustinโs GPA.ย
You have to admit, itโs impressive. And shamefully genius.ย
โHey, Suzie.โ You bring the radio to your lips, shoving Dustin away when he tries to take it from you. โDo you think you could change my grade in calculus? Jonathan was the only reason I passed any of my other math classes.โ
โOh, I donโt knowโฆโ Suzieโs voice raises a pitch, she doesnโt want to tell you no. She likes you, she really does, but her God figurine stares down at her with a disappointed look in his eyes. Sheโs sinned for love, but she doesnโt think she could ever do it again.ย
Youโre about to plead with Suzie, tell her NYU really prioritizes their studentโs grades, but the sound of a car honking outside catches your attention; itโs Steve. Dustin yanks the radio from your hand and shoos you away. โGo, leave without me.โ
โWhat, why? We always drive together.โ You frown, feeling like a little kid when you cross your arms. Dustin smiles apologetically, a smile youโve become familiar with. Your mood darkens, anger rises to your cheeks. You know exactly why Dustin is now skipping out on you. โDonโt tell me itโs thatย stupidย Eddie Munsonโโ
โHe wants me and Mike to work out some campaign details before lunch today!โ Dustin scrambles to mediate. He hates that you donโt like Eddie, and you likeย everyone. Itโs unnerving how much disdain you seem to carry for his friend. โNance is driving us, but I swear Iโll ride with you and Steve after break!โ
You scoff at Dustin, not at all believing his promise to you. Ever since September your brother has been at Eddie Musonโs beck-and-call, who dictates everything Dustin says or does. At first it was innocent enough, choosing to sit with the guy instead of you at lunch. Skipping out on a few weekend plans with you and Steve to campaign with Eddie. Youโd been happy for Dustin. He was making new friends, no longer your little shadow; he was his own person with his own priorities and interests now.
But ever since getting into NYU last week, Dustin has been pulling away even more from you. You donโt know why, but heโs become evenย moreย obsessed with Eddie and his stupid Hellfire club.ย
Eddie Munson is the air your brother now breathes, stifling the air Dustin once breathed for you.
And it seems to only be suffocating you, not him.
โYeah, whatever.โ Halfheartedly you ruffle Dustinโs hair, and he leans into the touch. You donโt want him to know his repeated absences are upsetting you. Deep down, you know youโre being irrational. Youโre almost eighteen, soon you wonโt even be living under the same roof as Dustin. Heโs allowed to live his own life. โI guess Iโll see you at the pep rally. Tell Suzie I said bye, please?โ
Dustin nods, though you donโt linger in the doorway like you desperately want to. Instead, you shut the door behind you and place a swift kiss to your motherโs cheek as you leave.ย
Steveโs car is parked in its usual spot at the end of the driveway. The teenโs arm hangs out the window and his face breaks into a smile when he sees you approaching. Steveโs smile is infectious, itโs always charmed you, and it settles the ache in your chest from your brotherโs earlier dismissal. Feeling a smile spread across your own face, you run towards Steve and poke your head through the open window.
โHi,โ you breathe out, nose almost bumping against his cheek.
โHi, angel.โ Steve kisses you, solidifying your morning tradition. Neither one of you really remembers who started it, but sometime during the school year you began to slip your head through Steveโs car window so that he could kiss you slow and sweet.ย
And, as tradition follows, Robin starts boos. โDo you have to do thatย everyย morning?โ
Steve makes a face at her and she punches his arm. He yelps in pain and you roll your eyes at the two of them before running over to the passengerโs side where Robin sits. Her window is rolled down as well and you duck your head inside. โAw, Robin. If you wanted a kiss, you couldโve just said so!โย
โA kissโ?โ Your lips press against Robinโs cheek, smushing against her face while making a dramatic sound. She squeals and pushes you away, wiping her now wet cheek in disgust. โThat isย notย what I wanted.โ
You giggle at her and finally get into the car. Itโs getting late, you see the assortment of Robinโs limited makeup dumped into her lap haphazardly. Sheโs been stressing about this morningโs pep rally all week, and clearly she isnโt coping very well. Trying to cheer her up, you flick her shoulder. โIโll have you know that my cheek kisses are cherished in Hawkins.โ
โHow many peopleโs cheeks are you kissing?โ Steve turns in his seat to face you, slightly alarmed. Then, noticing that thereโs only one Henderson in his car, he frowns. โAnd whereโs little Henderson?โ
โEddie Munson.โ
โWoah, wait, you mean Eddie as in where Dustin is, right? Not, like, youโve been kissing his cheek? Iโm right, right? Please tell me Iโm right.โ
You roll your eyes fondly at Steve while Robin rolls hers in displeasure. โJust drive, Steve.โ
โ
It becomes pretty apparent five minutes into the car ride that no one seems to be having a good morning. Robin has spent the majority of the drive applying and reapplying her mascara while messing with her hair. She groans every time she looks in the mirror and her eyes lack their usual brilliance.ย
Meanwhile, Steve has been complaining about yet another fight with his dad. Apparently they argued during breakfast, something that has become a common occurrence in the Harrington household.ย
โThe assholeย againย reminded me that Iโm turning twenty soon. As if I donโt already know that! I mean,โ Steve laughs in exasperation. โFor weeks now heโs been asking me what my plans are, as if working at Family Video just isnโt good enough for him. As if my dad isnโt the sole reason I had to get a lousy minimum wage job in the first place!โย
โFamily Video isnโt a lousy jobโโ
โYes it is.โ Both Steve and Robin say at the same time, which you sigh at. Canโt really argue with that.ย
โOkay, yeah. Itโs pretty lousy.โ
Steve rubs his eyes tiredly. โAnd that isnโt even the worst part. There I was, pouring syrup over my pancakes, trying to enjoy the fact that my parents are actually home for once, when my asshole of a father tells me that if I donโt have a respectable job by the time Iโm twenty, heโll kick me out. I mean, can youย believeย that?โย
You suck in a breath. โSteveโฆโ
Richard Harrington is a cruel, awful man.ย
While you understand his frustrations towards Steve, itโs completely unreasonable to expect him to get a reputable job in a few short months without any college education. Steveโs right, it had been Richardโs idea to make him work at Scoops Ahoy in the first place. When the mall burned down, he had no other option but to work at Family Video soon after.ย
โIโm sorry, honey.โ You intertwine your fingers through Steveโs hair and rub your thumb up and down the nape of his neck in a soothing manner. Steve allows the touch, but heโs still tense. Guessing that heโs uncomfortable feeling so pitied, you try to make light of the situation with humor. โBut hey, who knows? Maybe you can come live with me in New York if he ends up kicking you out.โ
Steve risks a look at you, taking his eyes off the road for a few moments, and his eyes shine. Heโs ecstatic over what youโve just said. He looks like a little kid on Christmas Eve. โYou really mean that?โ
โWell, I meanโฆโ It had mostly been a joke, a throwaway comment to try and get him to smile. But Steveโs body finally relaxes under your touch and you canโt tell him no. โYeah, I guess I did.โ
โYou hear that, Robin?โ Steve preens, wanting to get her attention. However, when he realizes that she hasnโt been listening to the entire conversation, he makes an offended sound. โRobin, are you listening to me?โ
โUh, yes?โ Her eyes meet yours in the mirror, startled that sheโs been caught. โYou were-uh. Talking to Y/N about your dad. We-we hate him! Yeah, we hate the guy. He reallyโฆ grinds my gears?โ
Steve groans. โWeย allย hate my dad, but that wasnโt what I was talking to you about!โ
โCut me some slack, please. Your relationship with your father is one of labyrinthine complexityโโ
You poke your head between the two teens. โActually, itโs not that complicated.โ
Robin covers your mouth with her hand and continues with her rant. โItโs seven in the morning, we have the stupid pep rally, and I woke up looking like a total corpse!โย
โI think you look lovely as always, Robin.โ You mumble through the girlโs hand, barely coherent.
Steve, however, isnโt as supportive. โYouโre worried about a pep rally? You really expect me to believe that?โ
โYeah, so?โ Robin removes her hand from your mouth and goes back to doing her makeup. Sheโs avoiding the conversation now, which only means that Steve is onto something. Whyย hasย she been so obsessed about this weekโs pep rally? Robin has been in band for years now, sheโs done a million pep rallies during her high school career. It canโt be performing that makes her nervous.ย
Which means it has to be about someone.ย
Locking eyes with Steve, he seems to be thinking what you are. โI think we all know what this is about, okay? Y/N and I arenโt buying that bullshit.โ
โThis is about Vickie.โ You finish for him, a smirk on your face. For weeks now Vickie has been all Robin has talked about. Her hair, how pretty her smile is, how cute her freckles are. Vickie also happens to be in band with Robin. โCโmon, you canโt tell us weโre wrong.โ
โI absolutely can tell you youโre wrong.โ Robin denies what you and Steve are implying.
Steve shakes his head. โYou know weโre right! And you know what else we think?โ
โI really donโt careโโ
โY/N and I think that you gotta stop pretending to be someone else when youโre around her, okay? You just gotta be yourself.โ
Robin doesnโt want to hear any of this. At least not from you and Steve. โYou guys are biased, youย doย realize that?โ
โWhat do you mean?โ Youโre practically laying across Steveโs car console in order to be a part of the conversation. โI think weโre objective people.โ
โYouโre telling me that all I have to do is be myself and Vickie will want to date me?โ
You frown. โYeah? Whatโs wrong with that?โ
Robin throws her head back. โBecause it took Steveย monthsย to ask you out. Mind you, this was when you were already in love with the guy! And heย knewย you were in love with him!โ
โOkay, heyโโ Steve doesnโt at all like what sheโs insinuating. He didnโt necessarily know you were already in love with him, he justโฆ had a small hunch.ย
โIโm not done,โ Robin holds her hand up. โAll Steve had to do was man up and admit his feelings for you. He didnโt have to agonize over whether or not itโd blow up in his face. There was no risk, no danger, no world ending consequences. I mean, if you had rejected him then maybe Steveโs ego wouldโve been bruised. But if I ask out the wrong girl? Bam! Iโm a town pariah.โ
โThis is true,โ you reluctantly agree. While you could never envision a world where youโd ever say no to Steve, you also recognize that the world where you somehow do wouldnโt be the same world as Robinโs. Things are different for her, whether you like it or not. Robin has to live with this knowledge, and her conversation with you about luck and love from last summer echoes in your mind.ย
Steve places a hand on his chest, betrayed. โWhose side are you on, Y/N?โ
โTrue loveโs side.โ
Robin snorts and Steve doesnโt bother to hide his smile. He wants to tease you for being a hopeless romantic, but now isnโt the time. Instead, he continues the previous conversation. โTrue love aside, we canโt ignore that Vickie is definitely not the wrong girl.โ
โOh, she definitely isnโt straight.โ You agree.
โWe donโt know that!โ Robin quickly sprays some breath freshener in her mouth and gags, which you cringe at. Vickie is one lucky girl if Robin ever manages to become her girlfriend.ย
Steve doesnโt let up, heโs convinced he has it all figured out. โShe returnedย Fast Timesย paused at fifty-three minutes, five seconds.โ
โThe bikini scene, mind you.โ You butt in, and Steve nods eagerly.
โAnd you know who pausesย Fast Timesย at fifty-three minutes, five seconds? People who like boobies, Robin!โย
Robin waves her hands in the air as if to get Steveโs voice away from her. โEw! Gross, donโt say boobiesโโ
โBoobies! Itโs not a big dealโโ
You make a face. โIt isnโt the most pleasant word.โ
โOh, cโmon. You like boobies, Robin likes boobies, and we all know I love your boobies specificallyโow!โย
You hit the back of Steveโs head with annoyance to get him to stop talking about your boobs. While he winces in pain and rubs his tender head, you turn towards Robin. โWhat my darling boyfriend is trying to say is that everyone likes boobs, and Vickie definitely likes them too.โย
Robin canโt even look at the two of you, appalled by how many times the word โboobiesโ has been uttered during the duration of the conversation. You canโt blame her, the word has practically lost all meaning for you as well.
Steve, however, canโt seem to get enough of it. โItโs boobies!โ He exclaims again to no one in particular.
You and Robin lock eyes, and then, without saying anything, your hand covers Steveโs mouth while Robin flicks his forehead, effectively putting the boob conversation to an end.ย
โย
The moment Steveโs BMW slows in front of the school, Robin throws the door open and rushes out with a quick โsee you later!โ to you as she runs to follow after her bandmates. Steve waves weakly as she goes and sighs in disappointment.
โSheโs never talking to Vickie, is she?โ
โNot a chance,โ you sigh as well, watching as Robinโs figure disappears in the crowd of students. Spring break looms over the student body, everyone buzzes with excitement over their week of freedom and tonightโs basketball game. The pep rally in just a few short minutes only adds to the exhilaration. Leaning forward, your lips graze against Steveโs. โAnyways, see you tonight?โ
He bridges the gap between your lips, skin meets skin and warmth floods your stomach. โOf course, angel. I love you.โ
โI love you, too, honey.โ And with one last kiss, you exit Steveโs car and make your way towards the school. As always, Steve waits until youโre safely on the sidewalk before he pulls away and heads towards Family Video. Heโs started picking up morning shifts to fill the time he isnโt with you.
On your way inside, you see Ms. Kelly talking to Max near the buses. The conversation is short, doesnโt last much longer than a few seconds, and when Max turns away you notice Ms. Kellyโs patient smile drop. Clearly Max still isnโt being cooperative when it comes to their sessions. She promised you she would start trying, but Max Mayfield has always been stubborn and youโve always been slightly overbearing.
Not the best combination, honestly.
With a sigh, you make a mental note to ask Max about what the counselor talked to her about later. Thereโs too much going on this morning to focus on it, and youโre already pushing Max by having her attend the pep rally anyways. Originally she had wanted to skip it and hide in the stairwell, but after begging her about it, Max finally agreed.
The conversation can wait. For now, at least sheโll be next to you in the bleachers alongside the boys to cheer on Lucas.
The thought was enough to brighten your mood a little, but it quickly became a pain in the ass to corral the party into sitting together. It took you almost fifteen minutes to find Mike and Dustin in the mass of students heading into the gym. Youโre not necessarily sure how it took so goddamn long given the fact that Mike towers over half of the students anyways. Heโs grown freakishly tall since starting freshman year. It unnerves you.ย
While his towering height annoys you, Mike likes that he can finally,ย literally, look down on you.ย
โThere you guys are!โ You grab the back of Mikeโs shirt and he lets out a startled yelp. Dustin stumbles back as well, and an annoyed sophomore glares at the three of you. Ignoring her, you grab your brotherโs shirt and start dragging the two boys towards the bleachers. โThought we agreed on meeting at the water fountain that squirts water in your face?โ
โI thought it was the library?โ Dustin gives you an odd look. โWait, is there even a water fountain in the library?โ
โYou amaze me.โ You remark, not even bothering to answer his question. He listens like a bag of rocks. Mike just allows you to pull him, not at all contributing to the conversation.
Max waits for you in the bleachers. Sheโs saved you seats, something that you feel slight relief over. The simple gesture is small, but it sparks just enough hope within your chest to make you exhale softly. Hope that sheโs getting better. Hope that sheโs finally trying again.
Thanking Max, you and the others fill the seats as the gym quickly fills with more and more students until it threatens to overflow. The roar of the crowd is nearly deafening. Across from the bleachers resides the marching band. Theyโre playing the schoolโs anthem as the cheerleaders start their routine. Chrissy Cunningham leads them, her smile lovely and beautiful, she shines so brightly upon the crowd that you canโt help but fall in love with her.
In the midst of the cheerleadersโ twists and flips, Robin manages to catch your eye from across the room.
You eagerly wave at her and mime playing the trumpet, copying her movements as she actually plays one. Robin laughs, and next to her is a girl with fiery red hair who laughs as well. Sheโs pretty, youโve heard countless sonnets about her red hair and dotted freckles. Knowing the girl is Vickie, you point at her as you wink at Robin, who scoffs and goes back to playing the trumpet.ย
Next to you, you catch the tail end of some bizarre conversation between Mike and Dustin.
โLook, Iโm not saying that my girlfriend is better than yours.โ Dustin is clarifying, glaring at you when he hears your sarcastic snort. โItโs just that Suzieโs, like, a certified genius.โ
Mike crosses his arms, looking towards you as if somehow this is all your fault. โYour brother realizes that El saved the world twice, right?โ
โAdmittedly thatย isย hard to beat,โ you shrug. โThat, and she has cool powers.โ
Dustin points a finger at the two of you. โAnd yet Mike still has a C in Spanish while youโre barely passing calculus.โ
Mike rolls his eyes and you shrug again. Your brother isnโt necessarily wrong either. Elโs saved the world, Suzie has saved his GPA. Both are nearly impossible feats. โTouchy subject, but touchรฉ.โ
โAnd what canย yourย boyfriend do, Y/N?โ Mike asks, now bringing the attention to your love life.
โHeโs good with a bat.โ
Both Dustin and Mike groan, but you shush them when the schoolโs broadcaster announces the Tigers basketball team. Applause breaks out across the bleachers and you notice Max looking around for Lucas. Though she tries to hide it, you can see the interest and excitement in her eyes. Sheโs happy for him, but it breaks your heart that she feels that she canโt show it.
Jason Carver, captain of the basketball team and former Scoops Ahoy patron before Steve spilled ice cream all over his pants, runs out first. The crowd goes wild, but you donโt start cheering until you see Lucas. Heโs smiling wide, proud to be a part of the team. You scream as loud as you can for him, heโs come so far since confessing to you about wanting to join the team earlier this year. As Jason starts his speech, dramatic as he always is, Lucas sees you in the bleachers and waves shyly, a blush creeping across his face. Then, seeing Max next to you, his confidence seems to grow as he waves more enthusiastically at her.ย
The moment is sweet, it makes you smile.ย
Except Max doesnโt wave back. She crosses her arms, pretends she hasnโt seen him, and your smile drops alongside Lucasโ.ย
You know theyโve been having some trouble recently. With Max pulling away more and more each day, Lucas struggled to hold onto the fading girl. Despite his pleas and reassurances, Max still seems to be icing him out. According to Dustin, they broke up almost a month ago now.ย
But theyโve always had a tumultuous relationship, long before nightmares and monsters darkened everything. The news hadnโt worried you at first, you thought it was simply another one of their weekly breakups over something small, innocent. Afterall, they were just kids when they first started dating. Their breakups were always childish, though endearing, and always temporary.ย
Now, youโre scared that this time itโs permanent.ย
Youโre not sure what that means for Max. She already has so few people left in her life to tether her. Billy died, her mother works two jobs and is never home anymore, El is in California, and you and Lucas are breaking skin trying to claw onto whatever small hold you have left of the girl.
Another loud cheer from the crowd breaks you from your thoughts. Jason mustโve just said something important, something worthy enough of a roaring reaction. Heโs always been popular in Hawkins, Steve used to complain about him to you back when he was still on the team. But when Steve graduated and Billy died, Hawkins High had needed a new King to crown.
Jason Carver was more than happy to ascend the throne.ย
โChrissy, I love you, babe.โ Everyone awes and you see Chrissy blow Jason a kiss. Itโs sweet, you suppose. They fit together nicely, head cheerleader with the star of the basketball team, and they seem genuinely happy. Chrissyโs shy and kind demeanor balances Jasonโs loud and charismatic boldness. They truly are a good match.ย
โI think I can speak for all of us when I say itโs been a tough year for Hawkins.โ Jason continues his speech, the room is eerily silent as everyone listens with baited breath. โSo much lossโฆโ The gym almost exhales simultaneously, remembering all the people who died last summer.
Your own breath exhales, and beside you Max tenses. Billyโs ghost floats through your minds, in through hers and out through yours. Hopperโs own ghost follows after him, only he doesnโt haunt Max the way he haunts you. He lingers over you, his final words to you engraved into your skin.ย
Youโre the best of them.
โAnd sometimes I wonder, how much loss can one community take?โ
Enough to fill a mall of burning bodies, you think bitterly.ย
Jason paces the gymโs floor now, he almost seems to glow before the crowd. He rambles on about needing something to believe in. That everyone should be doing something to honor all the lives lost in July, that playing basketball can absolve all the despair. As if it can bring them back.
Deep below your ribcage, nestled right underneath your scar and just in front of your stomach, rests a pit of anger that always simmers. You were born with it, it has always followed you. It has grown with you, the anger almost possessed your body when your dad left. Now, hearing Jason recite all the names of the ones who died that Fourth of July, the angerโs low simmer heats into a soft boil.ย
You try to quell it. Jason means well, heโs only trying to uplift the community in a passionate, albeit uncomfortably pastor-y way. Heโs only doing what he knows best; heโs being a leader. In another life, one where Demogorgons never harmed you, you think you wouldโve really admired Jason and his resilience.ย
โThink of Billy,โ Your breath stills, yet your hand instinctively finds Maxโs. She turns away from you, but the room is spinning and you canโt remember how to inhale. But Jason keeps going. โThink about our heroic police chief, Jim Hopper.โ
Next to you, in your haze of grief and panic, you think you can feel Mike and Dustin shift uncomfortably. Grief sinks her claws into the kids, and you want nothing more than to puncture Jasonโs lungs with them.ย
This was supposed to be a pep rally for the Tigers, it was supposed to be joyous, an opportunity to bring Max out of her shell. To distract her from the hell that she calls her life. The entire school knows what happened to Billy, they know that he had a little sister named Max Mayfield.
You hate Jason Carver.
But youโre here for Lucas. Today is about him. Heโs finally happy, heโs smiling again. The least you can do is swallow down the anger and grief and hope that you donโt end up choking on them later. That they donโt strangle you in your dreams.
โAnd now tonight, weโre gonna bring home the championship trophy!โ Jason screams into the mic, erupting a volcanic roar from the stadium. People throw paper into the air, whistling and jumping up and down at the prospect of Hawkins High finally winning a championship.
โTonight?โ Dustinโs agonized exclamation causes you to jump. He looks at you, bewildered and panicked. โHow is that possible?โ
Your heart still hasnโt steadied from the surge of fury Jason evoked. Swallowing once again, you clear your throat and shake your head at your brother. โWhat, you guys didnโt know about the game tonight?โ
โThey call it a tournament,โ Max explains for you, figuring you need some time to clear your head. You squeeze her hand appreciatively. โYou win one game, you go on until thereโs only one team left.โ
Mike and Dustin exchange frightened looks, and you eye them suspiciously. โDid you guys really not know? I thought Steve explained all of this to you already. Why is it such a big deal, anyways? I meanโwait,โ the boys wonโt meet your gaze. They avoid facing you, Mike stuffs his hands into his pockets and Dustin pretends to read someoneโs poster.ย
You know the fearful look on their faces. Itโs the same look Dustin gave you this morning when he ditched you to ride with Nancy and Mike.ย
Goddamn Eddie Munson.ย
โOh, donโt you guysย dare.โ They wouldnโt. They wouldnโt fucking dream of missing one of Lucasโ games for a stupid club centered around some guy with enormous ego problems. โI swear to God, if you two skip the game tonightโโ
โWe wonโt! I-I meanโฆ Well. Itโs, uh. Itโs complicatedโ Dustin gulps, elbowing his way through the crowd of departing students as the pep rally ends. Mike follows, ready to step in at any moment, while Max slips away before you can stop her. Seeing how contorted your body is from anger, Dustin tries to appease you. โLook, I canโt promise anything, alright? Eddie isโฆ Eddie.โ
Youโre about to scream some very choice words about that curly haired emo asshole, but Lucas intercepts the group and joins you guys. He looks between you, Mike, and Dustin, sensing some underlying tension. โWhat about Eddie?โ
Mike quickly explains, and the more he talks, the more you want to shove your knives down Eddieโs throat. Itโs one night,ย one goddamn night, and here Mike and Dustin are, almost shitting their pants at the idea of missing one Hellfire meeting to support their friend. While itโs unfortunate that all of this is happening on the same night, and though you recognize how long a campaign can take and how much the game means to the party, for once you canโt bring yourself to understand Dustinโs side.ย
A championship game versus one single campaign meeting that can easily be done tomorrow instead.
Seems like a pretty easy decision to you.ย
Lucas doesnโt understand why Mike and Dustin are so conflicted either. โI donโt get the big deal.โ Youโre all outside now, heading towards the main building for your classes. โJust talk to Eddie. Get him to move Hellfire to another night.โ
You nod, agreeing with him, and Dustin rolls his eyes. โโJust talk to Eddie.โโ
โYou canโt be serious right now,โ your shoulder brushes harshly against the boyโs. Youโre barely containing your anger right now. โWhy does Eddie have such a strong hold over you guys? Hasnโt he repeated senior yearย twiceย now?โ
โWhy does that matter?โ Mike looks at you as if youโre the scum of the earth that he just so happened to step on. โWhy canโt Lucas just talk to his coach and get him to move the game?โ
Dustin quips that he thinks Mikeโs idea is a great one, but you shove between them and throw your hands in the air in annoyance. โYou canโt possibly think thatโs the same thing, right? A nationally organized game being postponed for aย board game.โ
Mike and Dustin both gasp at you, acting as if youโve just threatened to kill a baby bunny in front of them, which only annoys you more. Sure, maybe youโre being a little mean right now, but youโre not appreciating how theyโre treating Lucas. Heโs never done anything to warrant this blatant disrespect from them. Theyโre refusing to see his side, too lost in their Eddie induced high.ย
โDnD isnโt just a board game, Y/N! Iโm honestly disappointed thatย youย of all people would even say that. Youโve seen the intricacies of a campaign. Youย knowย Iโve spent all month now preparing for the end of Eddieโs campaign!โ Dustin waves his hands in front of him, heโs in his own ecstasy of anger and annoyance, something innate in the Henderson bloodline. โA semester of adventuring has led to this moment, and we need Lucas.โ
โYeah, and the Tigers donโt.โ Mike looks over at Lucas. โI mean, no offense, but youโve been on the bench all yearโshit!โ
You swat the back of Mikeโs head, the sound of his yelp satisfying and the sting of the hit soothes you. He looks at you, offended, and you just shake your head at him. โNo, that was out of line and you know it.โ
โOne day Iโm gonna be too tall for you to hit me, you know.โ Mike scowls at you as he rubs his head.ย
โAnd Iโll mourn the day when that happens,โ you respond dryly before pointing at Lucas. โNow, apologize to him before I hit you again.โ
Lucas lowers your finger and shakes his head. โItโs fine, Y/N. Me being on the bench isnโt the point, anyways.โ
โPlease, arrive at the point.โ Your brother drops his head back and closes his eyes. Heโs tired, he regrets even starting this conversation in the first place. The more the four of you talk, the angrier he can feel you become. Mikeโs head may now be sore, but Dustin lives with you. If anyone here is in danger of your lecturing, itโs him.
โIf I get in good with these guys, Iโll be in the popular crowd, and then you guys will be too.โ Lucas explains, looking between Dustin and Mike as he urges them to understand, but they donโt. Mike claims that they donโtย wantย to be popular, something that Lucas doesnโt believe. โWhat, you wanna be stuck with the nerds and freaks for three more years?โ
โWeย areย nerds and freaks!โ Dustin exclaims, causing a few students in the hall to look at you guys. You wave at them awkwardly, youโre starting to regret following the boys. This conversation feels personal, like you shouldnโt be intruding. Though you think Lucas has every right to want a good high school experience, you also think Mike and Dustin deserve to have their own experiences as well. If they donโt want to be popular, then thatโs their decision just as much as itโs Lucasโ to want to be.ย
You step between the three boys, finally getting their attention. โGuys, no one here is necessarily rightย orย wrong. Lucas has every right to want to be a part of the basketball crowd, and you two,โ you raise your eyebrows at Mike and Dustin, โhave every right to want to stick with Eddieโs crowd.โ
Dustin sighs, โthanks, Y/Nโโ
โIโm not finished,โ you hold a hand up and shush your brother. โWhat isnโt right, however, is abandoning one another. You guys areย friends, and right now Lucas wants you at his game tonight to support him. Tonight is special, everyone will be there, and I want you guys there as well. I know high school is hard, but itโs even harder when youโre alone.โ
โSays the girl who is adored by everyone in this shitty town.โ Mike huffs, he canโt believe how hypocritical youโre being. โYouโve never had to deal with what we do. No one has ever laughed at you or tried to make you jump off aย cliffย just because youโre different.โ
You clench your jaw. Dustin looks at you wearily, he doesnโt like what Mike is saying, but he also canโt help but agree with his friend. You havenโt ever been bullied. All your life youโve blended in, stood out only when you were kind to others, admired for your selflessness, but never enough to be invited to parties or dumped behind a dumpster.
โMikeโฆโ Your brother tries to pull him away from you, but you both stand your ground.
โYouโre right, Wheeler. I donโt know what itโs like.โ You stare up at the boy, and Mikeโs expression softens only slightly. Heโs just as stubborn as you are, itโs why the two of you admire the other so much. โBut you forget that Iโm Jonathanโs best friend. The creep, the loser, the psychopath. Kids may not have ever targeted me, but Iโve seen what they do to the people they hate.โ
All the times you had to ice Jonathanโs bruised face. The nights you spent in his room holding him as he cried because Lonnieโs fists and Tommyโs cruel words were too much. The sneers, the stares Jonathan received because he was different. Quiet. Being your best friend hadnโt lessened the blows.ย
For years you wish you couldโve done more for Jonathan. Now, presented with Lucasโ opportunity to befriend the crowd that once was so cruel to your friend, you refuse to lose it. โThatโs why I donโt want Lucas skipping the game tonight.โ
Itโs silent for a few moments, all three boys donโt know what to say. Taking a deep breath, Lucas stands beside you and breaks the silence. โWe came to high school wanting things to be different, right? Now we have that chance. Like Y/N said, if I skip tonight, thatโs all out the window. So Iโm asking you guys, as aย friend, just talk to Eddie. Get him to move Hellfire.โ
Lucas pauses, he wets his lips and looks between his friends again. He feels so small, pleading for their attention. โCome to my game. Please.โ
The bell rings, ending the conversation, and Lucas spares one last look at Dustin and Mike before mumbling a soft goodbye to you. He leaves you alone with the boys, who in turn mirror conflicted expressions.ย
โShit!โ Dustin kicks his foot out and looks at you. โThis is all your fault, you know that?โ
โWhat is?โ
โMe having empathy. I hate this. Why couldnโt you have raised me to be an asshole?โ
You snort at Dustin before pulling him into a weak hug. You only have a few more minutes before you need to get to class, you canโt stay very long, but you also donโt want to leave the boys without some semblance of comfort. โYouโre too charming to be an asshole. Justโฆ Come to the game, alright? Both of you. Iโll even make brownies if I have to. I just-Iโve missed you guys. This will be good for all of us.โ
Mike ducks his head and Dustin sighs once more. Neither want to say anything else, so you reluctantly release your brother and leave them alone to wallow in their self-created misery.ย
Theyโll do the right thing. Youโre sure of it.
โย
Lunch comes and Alex sits next to you. He started sitting with you at lunch just after winter break, and youโre endlessly grateful for him. Youโre no longer alone, and heโs good company. A part of you regrets that it took the two of you three years to grow your friendship outside of Bookstrorindary.ย
Youโll miss him when you graduate.ย
Max is with Ms. Kelly today, a change in their usual meeting schedule of Tuesdays and Thursdays, meaning you had been right. She did skip their meeting yesterday and the counselor had to corner her this morning to schedule another one.ย
โBe honest, how excited are you to move to New York this summer?โ Alex asks you, taking a bite out of his carrot stick. Youโve come to learn that he has a weird obsession with the vegetable, always packing at least twelve of them every day.ย
You pick at your own lunch, a wilted salad and sandwich your mom left for you this morning. โHonestly? It hasnโt really hit me yet. I mean, I only got in last week. I think my mind is still trying to catch up with reality.โ
โOh, cโmon. You canโt tell me youโre not at least aย littleย excited.โ
โOkay, okay,โ you laugh and nudge the boy. โIโm a little excited. I just.. Havenโt really had time to think too much about it, you know? Between work, my brother, Steve, the kids, andโฆโ
โJonathan?โ Alex finishes for you. Heโs the only one who knows about how distant Jonathan has been. Youโve confided in him about how worried you are, about the phone calls while heโs high and the way Jonathanโs voice no longer sounds like his.ย
You shove your lunch away, no longer hungry. โYeah.โ
โYou guys call every Friday, right? Maybe tonight will be different!โ Alex tries to cut through the tension that now corrodes your demeanor, which you smile at him gratefully for.ย
โYeah, who knows.โ A piece of hair falls in your face and you push it behind your ear. Picking up your fork again, you attempt to finish your meal, but a sudden commotion interrupts the low buzz in the lunchroom.ย
โAs long as youโre into band, or science, orย parties.โ Eddie Munson sneers from the cafeteria table heโs standing on. He looks around the room as if everyone else is beneath him. Not worth his time just because they enjoy different things. Looking at Alex, you both sigh and prepare for whatever Eddie has to say today. His voice grows louder, shouting across the room towards the basketball teamโs table. โOr a game where you toss balls into laundry baskets!โ
Jason stands up and a few students whoop and cheer. โYou want something, freak?โ
Eddie sticks to fingers up behind his head as he creates little devil horns, snarling with his tongue out and hissing. Jason grimaces, you do too.ย
โHeโs a little much, isnโt he?โ You say to Alex, relieved when Eddie starts to step down from the table.ย
โHe terrifies me.โ Alex breathes out, not taking his eyes off Eddie in fear heโll somehow cast a spell on him.
You laugh at your friendโs unnecessary fear. Eddie is harmless, Hellfire isnโt a demonic cult like some students at Hawkins seem to think. It really is just a club centered around a board game with impressive storytelling and detailed plotlines. From what Dustin has told you, Eddie truly is the best dungeon master in Indiana.ย
And while you believe him, you canโt wrap your head around why your brother idolizes Eddie so much. The fascination runs deeper than just DnD. Dustin has spent almost every day of his freshman year wrapped around Eddieโs finger. He spends all his time with the teen now, rarely with you, but youโre not bitter. Of course youโre not. Dustin can have his own friends, you know this, but you also feel soโฆ unneeded.ย
Your little brother doesnโt need you anymore, and itโs a hard pill to swallow.
Truthfully, Alexโs question earlier about moving to New York in the summer sparked more than just your usual anxiety over Jonathan. It also reminded you that in only a few short months youโll be in an entirely new state, a new city, far away from Dustin.ย
โY/N!โ Dustin flies into the seat next to you, nearly upending the table itself with how violently he throws himself down.
Alex shrieks and you steady the table before anything can fall. Heart pounding, you clutch at your chest as your nerves settle. โWhy must you always be so violent?โ
โBecause itโs fun,โ Dustin responds, not even bothering to acknowledge Alexโs presence. Instead, his eyes are only on you, and thereโs a crazed spark in them. Heโs breathing heavily, frantic, and you dread where this is going. โLook, I need to ask you a huge favor.โ
โDo you realize that this is the first time youโve sat with me at lunch since the first day?โ
He winces. โAnd I will repent every day for my horrendous sins. I promise, I justโJesus youโre terrifying when you donโt blink.โ Dustin removes his hat to fix his hair, a nervous tick of his. Heโs stalling, he shouldโve never come here. Gulping, he rips the band aid off. โI need you to sub for Lucas tonight.โ
โIโm sorry?โ Youโre giving him an out, one chance to back down before you strangle him.
Only Dustin tightens the noose even more. โPlease, Y/N! Eddie wonโt move the campaign. He said something about sheep and-and finding subs because Mike and I are, uh. I guess the future of Hellfire and heย needsย us and did I mention how important this campaign is? Itโs super cool, super gory and totally up your alley andโโ
โNo.โ
โN-no?โ Dustin practically deflates in front of you, the light in his eyes dies.ย
You shove him away from you, you donโt want to look at his pathetic pouting. Youโre so unbelievably hurt right now, so fucking infuriated. โYou have spent every goddamn waking hour ass kissing Eddie. You havenโt so much asย lookedย at me during lunch this entire year as if Iโm a fucking plague. Youโve canceled plans, youโre hardly ever home, and now you expect me to abandon Lucas, someone whoย hasย spent time with me this year, someone who has made this entire year less lonely for me. Something, by the way, that you havenโt evenย noticed, all because you finally need me?โ
Dustinโs mouth opens and closes, he doesnโt know what to say, but for once you donโt care. How could he possibly think youโd miss Lucasโ game tonight? You adore the boys, each and every one of them, and now Dustin expects you to just abandon one of them for the others?ย
โYouโre only here because itโsย convenientย for you.โ You hiss, venom pouring from your voice. โForย Eddie.โย
โY/Nโฆโ Dustinโs voice breaks, he sounds like a little kid again, the baby brother you doted on your entire life. โPlease.โ
โNo!โ You scream at him.ย
The word echoes throughout the cafeteria. A few students turn to you, some curious, some annoyed. Alex draws into himself, wishing he were anywhere but here right now. Dustinโs eyes widen, his skin pales, and you clamp your hand over your mouth, completely and utterly mortified.ย
Youโve never, ever yelled at Dustin like this before. Not with so much malice, vitriol.ย
You feel like youโre twelve again, your anger hurting your baby brother.ย
Red hot with embarrassment and shame, you quickly get up from the table and flee the cafeteria. Dustin calls after you, but you stumble through the hallway towards the nearest bathroom. Tears burn your eyes, guilt wracks your body in painful thuds.ย
By the time you lock yourself in the bathroomโs stall, your sobs have begun to claw their way out of your throat. Pressing your back against the wall, you sink to the ground and pull your knees into your chest as you finally allow yourself to cry.
Abandonment makes you cruel. Your father taught you that.
โย
You donโt see Dustin for the rest of the day. Heโs missing Lucasโ game and youโre angry with him for that, but you also feel such an intense guilt over your outburst. You canโt stomach the thought of seeing him.ย
School ends and Steve drives you to work. The shift will be a short one due to the championship game, and Steve is staying with you so that you can drive to the game together. However, the moment you get into his car, he notices the dried tears on your face and the redness in your eyes and immediately throws his arms around you. In between shaky breaths and cries, you explain what happened to Steve.
He soothes you, tells you that you can always talk to Dustin after tonightโs game. Right now you and your brother need space from one another, and you hate that Steveโs right. Youโll force Dustin into a code blue, youโre long overdue for one, anyways. Heโs been acting weird for weeks now. Someone has to give in, you know this, and if it has to be you then youโll do anything to get your brother back.ย
For now, Steve holds your hand as he guides you through the crowd of people in the bleachers. They all cheer for Hawkins High, the energy in the gym is electric. Faces are painted, cheerleaders wave their pom-poms, and youโre wearing Steveโs old Tigers jersey. Youโre not much for school spirit, but Steve almost crashed the car when he realized you were wearing the jersey, and you know Lucas will appreciate it too.
โY/N, over here.โ Steveโs hand falls onto the small of your back as he gently pushes you towards some open seats heโs found. You lean into his touch and sit beside him. With his body against yours, you try to immerse yourself in the joy from the crowd.ย
The entire town is here tonight. Everyone is smiling, kids laugh and parents wave posters for their sons. Tonight will be a good night, youโve decided this to be true.ย
The national anthem is announced and everyone rises in their seats. When the broadcaster announces that Tammy Thompson will be singing, you and Steve look at each other incredulously. Laughter rises within you and you cackle when Robin finds the two of you in the crowd. Thereโs no way this wonโt end in disaster.ย
Tammy walks out, wearing a horrendous faux cowboy outfit, and almost immediately sings off-key. You cringe, ears stinging from the attack, and try desperately not to let out any laughter as she continues to butcher the song.ย
Steve whispers over to Robin, โtold you. Muppet.โ
โOkay, she does sound like a muppet.โ Robin agrees, which only makes it harder to contain your giggles. Tammy is worse than a muppet, she sounds like a goddamn muppet that broke into her dadโs alcohol stash.ย
โYou sound better, angel.โ Steve whispers into your ear, breath warm against your skin.ย
You lean back against him and smile sarcastically. โAnyoneย can sound better than her.โ
Steve chuckles and you canโt help but join him. You know itโs rude, that Tammy is honestly not that bad, though definitely not good enough for Nashville, but you canโt help it. You canโt believe Robin ever had such a huge crush on the girl who now drones the national anthem like a dying parrot.ย
In between breaths of laughter, you see Lucas looking up at the bleachers. His face is grim, he doesnโt see Mike or Dustin or Max. None of his friends showed up, and you watch him with sympathy. You canโt believe them.ย
But then Lucas sees you, and he gives you a weak smile. Your attendance isnโt enough, you know it isnโt, but you hold up the poster you made for him and he laughs despite himself.ย
The game starts, and from the moment the whistle is blown, itโs intense. The Tigers are neck and neck with the Falcons. Steve tries to explain whatโs happening throughout the game, but it all goes over your head. The energy in the room is intoxicating, though. You lean forward in your seat, you cheer when everyone else does, boo when you think you should.
โCarver just loves hogging the spotlight, doesnโt he?โ Steve says with disdain as he watches Jason side sweep his teammates to score.ย
You poke his side, you know heโs only saying this because heโs still bitter that Jaosn tried asking you out last summer. โHoney, your jealousy is showing.โย
Steve tries to deny this, but then a player gets injured during a foul from Falcon, causing you and Steve to both spew insults at the player. You have no idea what the foul even is, but youโre enjoying the chaos of the game.
In the midst of your uproar, you almost miss Lucas being sent into the game. You slap Steveโs chest repeatedly to get his attention, you almost donโt believe what youโre seeing. โSteve! Is thatโโ
โSinclair!โ He whoops, but he quickly scrambles to catch you as you nearly throw yourself off the bleachers in your blind excitement cheering. Youโre screaming your head off, hardly even registering Steveโs hands on your waist. Youโre incoherent and ecstatic, drunk on adrenaline.ย
Lucas isย playing.
The game only gets more brutal from there. The points even out, both teams neck and neck. Anxious, you squeeze Steveโs hand with anticipation. Everything happens so fast, Lucas plays so naturally with the others, as if he was born to be there.ย
โGo, Tigers!โ You jump up and down as Lucas runs after Jason. Theyโre doing a new play, attempting to score the tie breaker. Jason shoots, the ball hits off the backboard and onto the rim. Your breath catches, thereโs only three seconds left on the clock. The ball falls, and there isnโt any time left.
Until Lucas catches the missed shot. He dribbles the ball, you clutch Steveโs hand, neither one of you utters a single word as Lucas makes the final shot. Itโs an all or nothing throw, a risk, but he takes it anyways. The ball soars through the air, hits the rim. The buzzer sounds, the game is over, and the ball spins around the rim before finally sinking through the net.
Your chest burns as you violently cheer, Steve flings himself into your arms. Youโre both jumping around, screaming together like little kids. โHey did it!โ You scream, and Steve shakes you in his arms with the biggest smile on his face.
โSinclair did it!โ
Down below, Lucasโ face lights up as the crowd goes wild for him. This is the happiest youโve seen the kid in so long. The entire basketball team swarms Lucas, they lift him into the air and you cheer alongside them.
Steve tells you heโll go warm the car up and you practically run outside to find Lucas as soon as the game is done. Your body buzzes, youโre still breathless with exhilaration. When you find Lucas, heโs just left the crowd of teenage boys. Wanting to surprise him, you creep up slowly before throwing your arms from behind him. โThereโs the star!โ
He stumbles from your weight, but he knows itโs you. Laughing, he turns around and you pull him into a bone crushing hug. โYou came!โ
โOf course I did, you moron!โ You giggle, pulling away to straighten his jacket. โI made you a poster and everything.โ
Lucas looks down at the poster that hangs by your side. His eyes light up, he remembers seeing it in the stands at the beginning of the game, but he hadnโt been able to read it from so far away. โCan I see it?โ
โIโd be offended if youย didnโtย want to see it.โ You unroll the poster and present it with a grand flourish. โTada!โย
Sin to win, Sinclair!
Youโre incredibly proud of the wordplay, and Lucas chuckles. Itโs good, he has to admit. Youโve left no white space on the poster, littering with small 8โs for his jersey and millions of small stickers and decorations. The poster was made with love, and Lucas knows you spent hours making it.
โI love it, Y/N.โ He does. It will hang on his wall as soon as he gets home.
You beam at him. Then, from behind you, you hear your brotherโs own cheers as a door opens. Lucasโ smile fades, hurt creeps upon his face. Frowning, you turn and find Dustin and Mike high fiving their Hellfire friends as they all celebrate the end of their campaign. Erica is with them, cheering with everyone else.ย
โLucasโฆโ Your breath gives out. He doesnโt deserve this. Tonight was supposed to be his night. You turn to him, wracking your brain to try and figure out what youโre even supposed to say at this moment. Fifty feet away Lucasโ close friends are celebrating a night without him, his sister overjoyed as well. Theyโve forgotten about him.
For once, you canโt find the right words to say.
โThanks for the poster, Y/N.โ Lucas doesnโt want your sympathy. He leaves, crestfallen, and youโre left standing alone holding the poster he had been praising seconds ago. The late March air chills your bones.ย
Youโve never been so disappointed in your brother before.
โย
Steve drives you home and youโre silent the entire time.ย
โDustin isnโt a bad kid, Y/N. You know that.โ Steve tries to reason with you, but what your brother has done tonight leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. โIโm sure by tomorrow heโll realize he was a jerk and apologize. He always does, heโs just being a stupid teen boy right now.โ
You face the window, watching the trees fading into the distance. You know Steve is right, you know that Dustin is still growing up, making mistakes. Hell, no one is perfect at fifteen. When you were his age you were falling in love with your best friend as you hunted monsters together. Neither you or Jonathan or Nancy knew what the hell you guys were doing back then.
But this is different. Dustin has never betrayed his friends like this before. He, out of all of them, should understand the pain of being left behind. He spent half the summer upset that the party ditched him, and now heโs ditching Lucas?
โYou know, I used to be a stupid teen boy.โ Steve says, trying again to get you to say something. To look at him, at least.
It works, a small smile turns your lips. โI never knew.โ
He laughs at the sarcasm in your voice, but he plays along anyways. โOh, I totally was. I just hid it really well by, you know, making you hate me for a while by being annoying. But hey, look at me now! Iโm still annoying, but at least I have it all figured out with you.โ
โAnd what do you have figured out, honey?โ You turn your head towards him, watch the street lamps illuminate his face.
Steve smiles. โUs. Our future. Sure, I may not know if Iโll ever get a better job, but Iโm sure as shit staying with you, starting a life together so that I can annoy you for all eternity.โ
โHow romantic,โ a giggle falls from your lips. Youโve been with Steve for nearly a year now, but you havenโt really talked about the future yet. At least not so intimately, with so much assurance that in the end itโll be the two of you. โAnd where will we live, Romeo?โ
โNew York, obviously. As soon as you graduate, weโll find some horrible, run down apartment thatโs barely big enough for two people. Weโll move in, but there wonโt be any air conditioning so weโll almost murder each other in the heat. Everyone will hate the place, but weโll love it.โ
As Steve talks, the smile that had once been on your face begins to fade. He rambles on, not noticing the shift. He dreams up the plans, how heโll stay home while you go to class. How heโll fix the leaky faucet that will inevitably annoy everyone. Steve envisions himself waiting for you to come home after a long day of classes and falling into his arms.ย
โSteveโโ But he doesnโt hear you. Heโs busy explaining how heโll probably have to sell his car to afford the apartment, but that he doesnโt care, and you feel sick. Itโs too much, heโs giving up too much. Heโs willing to give up his entire life for you, drop everything and follow you without any questions asked.ย
Itโs what your mother did for your father. They met in college, both attending Purdue. Their relationship had been a whirlwind. Love at first sight, married as soon as they graduated, your father convinced your mom to follow him back to Virginia. To abandon her family and move two states over while pregnant with you. She didnโt know anyone in Virginia, her father moved them to a small town where only his name was known.ย
The divorce that followed twelve years later ruined your motherโs life. She had been left all alone, no family to support her, no friends, in a state she never grew up in.
And now Steve wants to do the same for you.
Raising your voice slightly, you try to interrupt him again. โSteve!โ
โWhat?โ He looks over at you, words finally dying. โDo you want to keep the car?โ
โYouโฆ you canโt.โย
Steve frowns. โI canโt what?โ
Your hands shake. Your heart trembles. Your words die in your throat. Thereโs so much you want to say, you can feel the pit in your stomach build into a fist. You canโt let Steve do this. He doesnโt understand that he deserves more than this. โYou-you canโt come to New York.โ
Everything stills. You donโt dare to breathe, to disrupt the silence. Your words come out all wrong, you know they do, but theyโre out in the open and Steve doesnโt look at you as he pulls into your driveway. Silent, he turns the carโs engine off.
โY/Nโฆโ Steve still canโt look at you. He places his hands on the steering wheel, as if bracing himself for whatever will unfold tonight. Heโs scared, he doesnโt understand what heโs done wrong. His mind flashes, and for a brief second heโs back at the Halloween party and youโre Nancy in his passenger seat. โDo you not see a future with me?โ
โI do!โ You sit up in your seat, reach over to touch Steveโs thigh. You need to feel him, to ground yourself to him. Everything about this feels wrong. As if youโre hanging over the edge of a chasm with a long, long fall. โGod, of course I see a future with you, I just-this isnโt what you really want.โ
Steve doesnโt want to move to New York, even if he doesnโt realize it now. What heโs really doing is chasing after a dream that isnโt his. The timing of this is off, he fought with his dad this morning about a future he was unsure of. You know Steve, maybe even better than he knows himself; heโs not doing it for your relationship or out of love. Steve only wants to appease his father, fulfill whatever desire he thinks you have. This isnโt what he wants, and heโs worked too hard to build the life he has now,ย withoutย you, to simply throw it all away.
But he canโt see that right now.
โOf course this is what I want, Y/N! All I want isย you.โ Steve finally looks at you, but thereโs a hardness in his eyes. Heโs detaching himself from you, putting his walls up. โYou and me,ย thatโsย what I want.โ
You grab his hand, you try to keep your voice calm. โSteve, I love you so,ย soย much, but I canโt-I canโt let you give everything up for me. Your life is here, in Hawkins. You have a job, you have your friends and-and your family, and it wouldnโt be fair to either one of us if you abandon it for me. You could-you could resent me for it later, you could realize you hate our life and wish you never followed me andโโ
โY/N, what did you think was going to happen when you were applying to all those colleges?โ Steve runs a hand through his hair, he thought you were beside him this whole time. He assumed youโd been carving out the same future he had been. But he was wrong. โDid you really think Iโd just stay behind and wait for you to come home every break?โ
โIโฆโ Shamefully, youย hadn'tย been considering what would happen between you and Steve. In your mind, he was your future, he was in it, but the details were hazy. You werenโt sure how, or why, or when, but you knew that in the end, Steve was the person youโd spend forever with.ย
Steve takes your hesitancy as his answer. โGod, Iโm such a fucking idiot.โ
โSteveโโ
โYou were just going to leave me.โ
He tears his hand from yours and you blink back tears. Youโve never fought with him before, not like this. โI wasnโt just going to leave you! I just-Steve, please justย listen!โ
โI am, Y/N!โ Steve exclaims, voice reverberating the car. You flinch away, and he immediately lowers his voice, apologetic. He hadnโt meant to scare you, he hadnโt meant to make you cry. Ashamed, Steve turns away from you. โI-Iโm sorry.โย
He wants to wipe the tears heโs caused, but selfishly he also wants you to hurt like heโs hurting. You donโt see a future with Steve. You were going to leave him just like everyone else does.ย
Steve shouldโve known all of this was too good to be true.ย
โI love you,โ your voice is almost inaudible, the three words barely reach the light before they disappear into the dark night. Youโre not sure why you say them, the words had built in your chest, the pressure heavy, and you needed to release them. To remind Steve of your oath to him.ย
Silence fills the car. Steve doesnโt look at you, his shoulders are drawn together. His jaw clenches and you know heโs trying desperately to bite his tongue, withholding the cruel words that only heartbreak can provoke.ย
โHoney,โ you beg him to say something, anything. โSteve.โ
โI think you should go.โ
The dismissal punches your throat, knocks the wind out of you. Heโs shutting you out, closing himself off from you, and you donโt understand how the two of you got here. โIโฆ Are you sure?โ
โYes,โ Steveโs words are cool, composed. Indifferent, almost. He still doesnโt look at you, his eyes remain focused on something in your driveway. โItโs late, you should get some sleep.โ
โOkay,โ you donโt want to leave, you know it isnโt good to go to bed angry with the one you love. Anger should never simmer, it should never be left unwatched. But Steve is silently asking you to give him space so that he can hurt, and you arenโt selfish enough to deny his request. And yet youโre selfish enough to press your lips to Steveโs cheek, but he doesnโt lean in like how normally does. Instead, he remains stoic, and you swallow down your tears and open the door to leave. โDrive home safe, honey.โ
Steve doesnโt say anything else. Instead, he starts the car as soon as the door is closed and drives away. He doesn't look back, he doesnโt wait to see if youโve made it inside your house safely.ย
Tears spill down your face as you blindly walk towards your front door. Your argument with Steve replays over and over again in your head. You analyze every second, every word, you try to understand when everything fell apart.ย
Itโs dark in your home, your mother is asleep and Dustinโs door is closed, but right now all you want is your brother. You need to talk to him, cry into his shoulder and smell the shampoo heโs used ever since he was a baby. Your feet carry you to Dustinโs room and you pound on his door, begging him to let you in. You donโt bother masking the tears in your voice, youโre too exhausted to hide them from him. โDustin, please let me in.โ
โGo away!โ Thereโs a thud on the door, heโs thrown something at it to shut you up. He doesnโt want to hear some stupid lecture right now. He knows he was an asshole tonight, he regrets it, but right now all Dustin wants to do is sleep. Heโll deal with you tomorrow.ย
โCode blue,โ you press your forehead against the door, your tears fall to the ground. โC-code blue.โ Your voice hiccups, more tears come, minutes pass, and your brother never answers.
For the first time since you were kids, Dustin rejects your request for a code blue.ย
The phone rings. The sound pierces through your ears, cuts through the headache that is starting to form. Itโs Friday night. Jonathan is calling.ย
Squeezing your eyes shut as you head pounds, you inhale shakily. You have to answer him, otherwise heโll only call over and over again with concern. Youโve never missed a phone call, not once in the months since Jonathan has moved, but tonight youโre exhausted.ย
โCan we call tomorrow?โ Youโre too tired to greet him and voice cracks, revealing far too much already.
โBug?โ Jonathanโs high, heโs always high. And yet even in his cloudy haze of smoke he can hear the anguish in your voice. โIs everythinโ okay?โ
His question only makes you cry more. Youโve always tried your best to put up a front for others, to pretend that everything is okay. Youโve never wanted to worry people, youโve always pushed aside your own hurt for the sake of others. Now, as anger and grief and despair clasp their hands around your throat, youโre terrified youโll suffocate.ย
Youโve never been able to lie to Jonathan, and tonight you donโt think you can. โIโve hadโฆ theย worstย night.โ You confess to him, wiping away tears.
You tell him everything, your fight with Dustin, how you think he may resent you leaving for college. You tell Jonathan about Lucas, how you were so disappointed in Dustin and Mike. Choking through tears, you explain to Jonathan your fight with Steve. How your words failed you, how hurt he looked, that you canโt explain to him how he only wants his future to align with yours, but not with your relationship.ย
Even though you know that Jonathan wonโt remember any of this tomorrow, for once youโre grateful that heโs too high to remember anything. It feels good just being able to say it all out loud.ย
โโM sorry, bug.โ Jonathan mumbles over the phone once youโve finished explaining everything. He sounds far away, figuratively and literally. You canโt imagine how much his drugged mind retained, but youโre thankful to have gotten it all off your chest anyways.ย
โItโs fine,โ you inhale again, youโve finally stopped crying, though your chest still hurts and your head still pounds. โSteve and Iโฆ Weโll figure it out.โ
Jonathan pauses, and for a moment you think heโs fallen asleep, but then his voice floats through the telephone line. โDo you.. Do you ever wonder if weโve made a mistake?โ
He strings his words slowly together, says them one by one with a hesitancy, and you frown. You donโt understand what heโs trying to say. What mistakes could you have made together? โWhat do you mean, bee?โ
โI justโฆ everythinโ is so hard. With Nance. Feel likeโฆ like โm never enough for her. And you, Steve. โS hard between you guys.โ Jonathanโs words slur, heโs almost too incoherent to understand, and later you will wish that you hadnโt been able to understand him at all. โBut you โn me? โS easy. Always so easy.โ
His words toe the line between you, he canโt mean any of it. You donโtย wantย him to mean any of it, because then the fallout would be too catastrophic to contain.
Heโs Jonathan. Your oldest, dearest friend. Your best friend. Years ago, you couldโve been something more, you almost were something more, but the time has passed.ย
Youโre with Steve now, youโre happy and so, so in love with him. Even though everything is tangled between you right now, even though youโre fighting, you know that you and Steve will figure it out. Heโs the one. Heโs the man you want to marry one day, if heโll allow you to.ย
Jonathan is your past, Steve is your future, and right now youโre terrified that soon youโll lose them both.
โJonathan,โ you finally say, his name now heavy on your tongue. It feels like youโre betraying someone while saying his name, but you need to end this conversation. Before Jonathan says something heโll regret in the morning. โYou love Nancy, I love Steve, and you need to go to sleep.โ
โLove you,โ Jonathanโs words slur even more, his voice drifting off. โYou, always youโฆโ
You slam the phone done, ending the call, as a chill runs down your spine. Silence encases you, the house is still. The strings and threads from years ago constrict around your throat. You choke on the lines Jonathan has crossed tonight, the tightness in your head stabs against your skull.ย
There is no one to hear you, no one there to hear your final words to your best friend. โGoodbye, Jonathan.โ
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