A Vulcan Smile Part Eight
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A/N: There's some questionable made-up Vulcan lore in this because there's not a whole lot of detail about their telepathic abilities given in the cannon. But, you know what, if the writers of SNW can make up whatever they want about Spock then fuck it so can I. yeehaw, baby
“You’re leaving.” Spock stood in the doorway to your bedroom, arms hanging at his side, shoulders stooped ever so slightly. His tone and expression were carefully crafted to not give any hint that he might be experiencing an emotion. At fourteen he was already well on his way to becoming the man he would grow to be.
You didn’t look up from your packing. “I’m to be on the ship to Earth tomorrow. I am going to stay with the Graysons.”
The Graysons. That’s what you had called them. It took you two years to refer to them as your grandparents.
“You knew I would be leaving,” you said in his mind. You had always preferred the privacy that telepathy provided, even if casual usage wasn’t approved of by the High Council.
“I knew he wanted you to leave,” he said in yours.
Telepathic communication was one of the few of your less desirable behaviors he endulged. You didn’t understand why until you were much older and you realized that you had pushed him away too far and might never have this connection again.
“What do you expect me to do?”
“Fight.”
Finally, you looked up at him. His eyes bore into you. They had such an intensity that anytime he let himself loose even just a little it felt like staring directly into a star.
“You always fight. Why are you not now?”
“There’s nothing to fight. I want this.”
He moved further into you’re room. “You want to leave?”
“I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere I am understood.”
“And you believe that is Earth? Will they not just misunderstand the other half of you?” Spock asked.
You sighed, rubbing a hand across your face. ”I’m tired, Spock. I’m tired of being ostracized for understanding that we were born with more than just a capacity for logic. I am tired of being treated like a failed experiment.”
There was more than that. You were tired of seeing him hurt. You were tired of watching him take the harassment. You were tired of being told just to accept the harassment and constant implications that you were less than. You were tired of being penalized for standing up for yourself and your brother. But you left it unsaid. Unthought, in case he was listening.
“Human society is still young and ignorant. They will not accept you.” His eyes searched your face. “They will not understand you.”
“Maybe not, but at least I’ll be free to be me. I won’t be suffocated under the pressures of being the Ambassador’s hope for a greater relationship between our two races.” You sat down on your bed and stared out the window. “At least I will be told that I am loved.”
A breeze blew through the leaves, partially obscuring your view of the red mountains and the rich orange sky.
“I won’t miss it here,” you said out loud. You needed to hear it. You needed him to believe it.
Now all you saw out the window was darkness and passing stars. You would never see the richness of those orange skies again. A fact the conference was intent on reminding you.
Normally being around that many Vulcans was exhausting because it required you to choose between putting on an act or dealing with the unfettered scorn of the entire group. Neither option was without its downsides. But this event was focused on how to ensure the survival of the people and cultures of Vulcan now that it was gone. Not even Vulcans can fully suppress the level of sorrow that comes with losing a planet and having that many grief-stricken telepaths in one starbase was overwhelming.
The favor you had paid Leonard only worsened your exhaustion. What had been bubbling out of you in aggression was now dripping out in fatigue. Your head felt heavy and cloudy.
You had come to the rooms provided by the Captain with the intention of sleeping, but your mind was bent on replaying memories over and over and not giving you a moment's rest.
Hauling yourself out of bed, you pulled your robes back on. One of the many concessions you had made in order to have your voice heard was to wear a traditional Vulcan dress.
The bottom of your dress and robe swept across the floor as you walked through the corridor. You followed the smell of food and drinks. Even with your nasal numbing agent, it was strong. You hadn’t fully realized how many smells there would be on a ship this size. You didn’t know how Spock dealt with it every day.
The smell led you to what looked like a bar.
You walked a few paces from the door and clasped your hands, trying to figure out if there were replicators you were supposed to use or if there was someone you asked for food.
“You should be resting,” Spock said, coming to stand by you.
“I’m fine,” you answered automatically in his head, something you hadn’t done in years. You were suddenly more willing to fall back on old childhood habits than speak.
He raised a brow at you but responded in kind, “You have not slept in days.”
“I am well within the healthy limit.”
“Not after such a taxing event.”
“But I supposed it wasn’t taxing for you?”
He bristled, realizing that he must think his next words more carefully if he wished to avoid an argument. “It was. However, my mind has always been less open than yours. You take on the suffering of those around you.”
If only he knew just how true that was.
“I’m fine,” you told him again.
“Your mind is cluttered.”
You glanced around the bar. “There’s a lot of people on your ship.”
He looked you over, then spoke out loud, “Come with me.”
You hesitated. You really just wanted to get something to eat and then go back to bed, but reluctantly, you followed him.
The two of you moved quietly through the ship until you were in a smaller room with significantly fewer people.
You exhaled.
When you had denied the Vulcan teachings on emotional control, you had also denied the teachings on telepathy control. They went hand in hand under Serak’s teachings. Telepathy was turned inward to help suppress one's emotions. Without doing this you were left with far more unchecked telepathic power with no one to teach you what to do with it. At least no one you were allowed to talk to as a child.
You had eventually figured it out and learned to control it and use it for good when you could, but you had never built up defenses the way most did. You hadn’t wanted to. Your mother had said that greeting the universe with an open heart and open mind made you more ready to learn. She was a sentimental woman. But she had also told you it would come at a cost. You knew that at least to be true.
The thoughts of those around you were always in your head. Like murmuring from another room. You couldn’t make them out with conscious effort, but they were there. You had learned to tune them out when you were a teenager, but when you were tired and surrounded by others, they started to overtake your own thoughts.
Spock led you to a table and told you to sit. You rested your head on your hand and waited for him to return. When he did, he placed a bowl in front of you. You stared down into the orange broth.
Plomeek soup.
You had despised it as a child. It was so bland and boring and never seemed to satisfy you.
Picking up your head, you lifted a spoonful to your mouth. Your eyes slipped shut as you took in the subtle flavor. It tasted remarkably similar to the one your mother used to make.
Finally, you spoke, “Thank you.”
Spock nodded, watching as you slowly sipped the soup.
“Have you considered meditating?”
You rolled your eyes at the suggestion.
“It has helped Vulcan’s for generations. Why you think it woul-”
“Because I don’t subscribe to the idea that I need to suppress my emotions.” You focused your attention on your meal as you projected your thoughts into his mind.
“A bit of suppression might benefit you.”
“And a bit of expression might benefit you,” you responded in turn.
Now it was his turn to roll his eyes.
“See, don’t you feel better?” You took another sip of soup. “And I did meditate.”
“You could have just said that.”
“Where’s the fun in that?”
He rested his hands on the table. “It appears you are also feeling better.”
“I’m starting to.”
“Good.” His head turned as something else in the room caught his attention. “Excuse me. I need to converse with the Captain for a moment. I will be back.”
You gave him a quick nod of recognition. He returned it and walked off. You focused your attention on your soup. The smell, the taste, the feel of it in your mouth. If you focused hard enough, everything else would fade into the background. At least that’s what you hoped would happen.
Instead, a voice cut through your soup thoughts, “There you are.”
You looked up to find Leonard smiling down at you. Glancing around, you saw that he was alone.
“I thought you were giving Jo a tour,” you said. Your voice sounded odd even to your own ears; horst and hallow.
“I was. Just dropped her off to work on homework. When she saw you weren’t there anymore, she made me promise I’d find you and make sure you’re okay.”
You raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
“Jo’s worried you’re going to be attacked by a salt vampire.”
“I think those safety lectures of yours did more harm than good,” you told him, dropping your chin to look straight ahead.
“You alright, sweetheart?”
You stiffened at the pet name.
“Look worn slap out.” He put a hand on your shoulder.
The images of his thoughts filled your mind, perfectly formed. You jerked away before you had time to process any of them. You couldn’t deal with anyone else in your head today.
“Don’t touch me.”
He didn’t deserve the sharpness in your tone. You knew that, but you couldn’t stop it from being there. Full and biting.
Leonard held his hands up to show you he wasn’t going to touch you again. “I thought we got over you making me the bad guy when I let you into my head the other night.”
“No one’s making you the bad guy.” You rested your forearms on the table so you could lean towards him. “Do you have to react dramatically to everything?”
“I’m not the one who almost bit someone’s head off for putting a hand on your shoulder.”
“Expecting you to respect my boundaries is not biting your head off.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’ve never met a boundary you wouldn’t cross.”
You pulled your chin in and raised your brows. “I beg your unbelievable parton?”
“You brought my twelve-year-old to a starbase!”
You rolled your eyes and leaned back. “I have to hand it to you, Doctor. you can hold on to things for an exceptionally long time.”
He crossed his arms. “You could start an argument with an empty house, you know that?”
“You wouldn’t even need the house.”
“I can’t do this right now. Find me when you’re done yo-yoing me around.” He waved a hand over his shoulder as he started back towards the door.
“Oh come on, Doctor. I already know how good you are at walking away. Show me something new.”
He ignored your harassment and your eyes followed him out into the corridor. Then you dropped your head to your arms with a groan.
“You ‘let yourself into his head’?” Spock repeated the phrase as closely as he could in Vulcan.
Stifling the urge to groan, you lifted your head just enough for you to be able to peak over your arms and stared up at your brother.
“What does that mean?” After spending three days with other Vulcan’s his accent was stronger than it had been. It made you realize in retrospect how much his time in Starfleet had affected it. His consents were tighter. His vowels moved at a different pitch. You wondered if he was aware of how much he had changed.
“Nothing,” your Vulcan words were muffled slightly against your sleeve. “Don’t worry about it.”
Silently, he sat down across from you. He carefully folded his hands on the table and straightened up, watching you.
“Don’t do this,” you grumbled.
“Don’t sit down with you?”
“No, don’t do that silent judgy thing you do right before we get in a fight.”
“I do not have a silent judgy thing.”
“I can feel the angry thoughts churning in your head.”
“Anger is a human emotion.”
You rolled your eyes and dropped your head again. “Just say what you want to say.”
“I have nothing to say.”
You scoffed but didn’t look up.
“You are going to do what you want to regardless of what I say. I don’t know why I ever bothered trying to give you advice.”
“Advice?” Now you lifted your head fully. “You told me to avoid the doctor completely. How am I supposed to do that without offending his family, who are some of my closest friends? I’m his daughter’s third emergency contact. It goes Donna, then Fred, then me, then Leonard. Do you expect me to just leave him out of the loop in the case of an emergency with his own child?”
“Of course not.”
You pulled your shoulders back so he could get the full effect of your ‘so then what’ expression.
“There are many other forms of relationships between avoiding entirely and performing intimate telepathic bonds together.”
“If it’s so intimate-” It was incredibly intimate. You knew that. “-why do you use it on what are essentially criminals.”
“Sometimes it is necessary to cross that boundary for the good of the many.”
“And sometimes it’s necessary for the good of the one.”
His brows lowered at your flip of the traditional Vulcan motto.
“He was suffering. I wasn’t just going to sit there when I could help.” You leaned back in your seat. “I thought you wanted me to avoid him because you feared I would pick a fight. I thought you would be pleased that we’re are… getting along.”
“You appear to be managing to do both.”
“Why does this bother you so much?”
“You have a tendency to,” he hesitated as he searched for the right words, “become emotionally invested. Were that to happen with a member of this crew who is less than understanding of many of your Vulcan traits it could become difficult for that person to continue working with me.”
“You’re professional relationship is so fragile that my forming a friendship with him would create difficulties?”
“Not for me alone. Your brash, unregulated emotions have gotten you into trouble before. Combining them with the doctor’s could create complications.”
“I am not combining emotions with the doctor.” You stood up. “But if I was, it wouldn’t be any of your business. I can combine whatever I want with whomever I want.”
“Where are you going?”
“Well, I was going to go get some tea, unless you’re worried that I’ll run into the head engineer on the way to the replicators and become emotionally invested.” You didn’t wait for a response before walking away.
The light from the replicator stung your over tired eyes but you didn’t look away. It seemed the easiest place to look.
“Brothers, huh?” a nearby voice asked.
You turned to see Jim still sitting at the table, a PADD in one hand and a mug in the other.
“Brothers,” you agreed, grabbing your tea from the machine.
“Always disappointed about something. I swear I don’t know why mine’s mad at me half the time,” he joked.
“That must be nice.”
He chuckled. “I’m my experience with Spock he usually has a good, logical reason for everything he does and says.”
“And in your experience with brothers?” you asked.
“They usually mean well.” He gave you a sympathetic smile. “Even if they’re doing the wrong thing.”
“Are you speaking as someone with a brother or someone who is a brother?” you asked.
“Both.” He set his PADD down. “But mostly someone with a brother. I’m a great brother.”
You smiled at his playful cockiness.
“Can I ask you another question?”
“Of course.”
“What’s a yo-yo?”
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