#cannot go back no matter how much we want to. but life isnt going to end over that. we gotta keep going too; and perhaps that change will

[kakapim]

Shinichi angst is so damn good. He's in his own body but it doesn't feel like himself. His life is "dead" even though he's alive. When he comes back he will never go back to his old self. He can go back to his body but his life will never be quite the same (for better or worse)

He was just a 17 kid who had dreams ambitions friends he had to "abandon". Imagine putting up an act 24/7 and not being truly able to say the things you actually want to. And yet- this false identity of his started to blend in with his "authentic" self.

He will have to "kill" Conan like he did with himself eventually. Like I know this this is the whole point of his character but I feel like it's easy to forget due to everything going on, and every so often I'm reminded of this and go bonkers over it. Does anyone get me 😭

[livsmessydoodles]

thinking about this scene today

this scene alone convinces me that byler is endgame bc you cannot make will actively say that hes not gonna fall in love and then write a whole plotline abt him being in love with mike.... just for it to not be reciprocated???

will is the only party member who's completely unexperienced with romantic relationships, which of course has to do with the fact that he's gay in the 80's, but this is a TV show. all of this is fictional so they can take whatever route they want with these characters, and making will continue to stay alone and suffer through unrequited love would be awful storytelling, especially when people claim that will moving on from his feelings would bring character development and growth.

wills feelings for mike arent there just to "show his growth". weve seen this kid go through hell and back yet even with everything kicking him down he stays strong and kind. hes the most selfless character in the show and always puts others needs before his own. in s4, they put a lot of emphasis in these character traits of his, and they're always picturing his love for mike as something selfless and pure.

now if his feelings are not reciprocated, how does this teach will a lesson that leads to character growth?? he already doesn't expect anything. life has shown him time and time again that he always gets the short end of the stick, why would he think this is any different?? making him have feelings for his best friend just to get rejected would just be a nail in the coffin, reaffirming to him that no matter what hes not worthy of ever getting what he wishes. this isnt character growth at all.

but if his feelings ARE requited, that gives us a twist to the story we havent seen. we would get to see actual growth for will, him learning to give himself value and realize that he DOES deserve happiness!! instead of leading into the expected spiral of bad things keeping up the consistency with everything else that has happened to will so far, finally giving him one good thing leads to us seeing a shift in his whole nature, and wed see him dealing with things he hasnt dealt with before!!! GROWTH!!!

besides why would they make such an intricate complicated storyline.... just to lead to a rejection we all saw coming? the GA expects him to get rejected. his feelings not being reciprocated would not be any surprise. but twisting those expectations in a way to shock the GA AND give wills character the happiness he so deserves after being through so much..... now THAT would be world shattering and a satisfying ending to both the viewers and will himself!!

this scene establishes a clear subversion trope, making us aware of how will believes he's never finding love, just for the show to later on subvert expectations and reward will with the love he deserves and never thought hed get🫶

[lifes-line]

DEFO DEFO TAZ SPOILERS

So one of my favorite taz aus is what I call "the replacement au" or the "Lup Au" which is basically what if it was Taako who died or went missing and it was Magnus, Merle, and Lup working for the BOB

In which case that poses a lot of questions for each arc so lemme tell you my theories on how it would've gone

Here they be gerblins:

Lup has always had a horrible ache in her heart. She wouldn't call it depression but no matters how hard she tries to move on and forget. She has always felt something painful and missing in her heart. Like someone ripped out a huge half of it and left her with the rest. She's had this feeling all her lonely life as a single child and no matter what magic she used on herself or how many people she surrounded herself with... she couldn't escape that feeling... Magnus and Merle somehow helped though. Being the absolute dumbasses they are.

Lup finds herself flirting with barry blue jeans and disappointed he wont be joining them later-

Lup sees Taako's skeleton/corpse and takes the wizard hat and his glave(or whatever his magical weapon he made during their year of artificing was)

She feels drawn to the phoenix fire gauntlet and she teases about putting it on alot(before phandalin goes to shit), she also gives it a high five but she isnt dumb enough to put it on and understands how dangerous it is and how devestating the events that follow are

Lunar interlude one

Lucretia is baffled to see lup having taako's things on but thats not important

im gonna say Lup gets pretty similar things to taako since they are the same class(just different schools of magic)

She doesn't fuck with leon as much as taako does but she still does of course

Murder on the rock port limited:

They get on the train without charm person but of course theyre still "not who they appear to be" as merle keeps loudly insisting they kill the ticket guy

Lup respects angus but they dont get close as he does with Taako so instead Angus gets closer with Magnus though Lup does offer to teach angus some magic lessons

Smokes that crab

Pretty much all of the taako things except she might be a lil less dramatic about the drink cart

Petals to the metal

Lup and hurley are bffs dont even trip

Lup defo found Sloane attractive but backed off when she found out she was taken

also found captain captain bane attractive

a quip of "My type are hardcore nerds with those obnoxious spectacles and sexy science facts"

Lup either picks a mongoose mask or goes with a phoenix I imagine

She would threaten the guards to get into the hammerhead base at first but then switch up to help out Merle's plan - or she'd just straight up kill the last guy and hit em with the "I forgot about that"

Since theres no way to absorb the arcane core she makes it explode and it works just as well

You can assume she has taakos position in the car ride, but most likely she cannot summon Garyl and instead klaarg comes in and saves merle and later her

Red robe shows up and shes the only one who fucking remembers the director telling them about them and she is the only one to insist they dont listen to him

but they do anyway and she gets majorly suspicious

Small lunar interlude:

Fuck Lucas but not fuck him but yknow

Oh yeah the red robe? "I want to let you know I am the only one who actually remembered we should've bounced"

Crystal Kingdom

Oooh transmutation relic not her thing

She cooks tho

Lucretia? "That's such a cute ass name, I'm gonna start calling you Lucy"

can i also have a red suit

that pink thing looks like salt

Also in consensus Lucas in fact a huge asshole.

Actually answers buddy bots question/riddles within the first two minutes

Yeah ill go into the elevator world? Oh no cockroaches? Yeah Lup makes fun of merle for liking cockroaches and then kills the one he missed.

They meet N03ll3 which is great and all but what do you mean you keep picking up lich activity

Go into Lucas's room cause Lup disguises self

Ok I dont know what a lich is why do you keep harassing me

Merle loses an arm oh fuck

Also gonna kill Lucas

fine lets learn some science

oh its that red bitch again - Lup is only not running because her boys wanna hear this too and also this lich is like weirdly flirting with her

"It's... Lup, where did you get that hat?" "Oh this? I took it off of some skeleton on our first adventure." "... oh my god.. you.. you found him... you..."

Weird I just made this lich who was flirting with me upset about my dope ass hat

YEAH SHES BEEN WEARING TAAKOS WIZARD HAT THIS WHOLE ASS TIME

skipping a bit woah oil can time

woah the crystal guy is back and instead of merle being the most dangerous its Luuuuuup? Whyyyyy????

"Wait haven't I seen you before?" He asks Lup and she tilts her head. The crystal shakes his head. "Nevermind. one second-"

Guys hes calling me a lich or possessed by one what do I do

Kick ass, Not tentacling dick ew, lucas there you are - woah magnus

Oh its the grim reaper, No we are not being shipped together-

Lore

"And you, Lup. Are still dead." "... Sorry what-" "You're dead?" "Nah I still got my hit points, I mean I'm bruised and bloody but I'm still alive." "Yeah is this maybe another Lup... or...?" "No. She's a lich. She is an undead entity that must be locked away in the eternal stockade." "How about fuck that (tries to kick his ass)"

More lore

YoU ATE THE WHAT

Oh hi kravitz, can you look pass this posession if I promise to have someone free me? And if this lich leaves me so im not a vessel anymore you can come get it, trust "... I.. I cannot let a lich get out of my sight." "Bro I cannot fight you anymore." "Well, it would be more dangerous if you died but you refuse to come peacefully." "I dont think Im a lich I just think im posessed - we've done a lot of crazy shit in our adventures-" bla bla bla fine its settled

We'll debrief in a sec ig here lemme uhh. i dont have transmutation its so over , just shape the damn stone and idk someone else can do magic right?

Debriefing oh yeah the red robe was there, yeah i lowkey dont really trust you, ok fine i can settle

They dont talk about the deaths to lucy in canon but after the debriefing Lup gathers the boys up and talks to them "Hey so you know how he called me an undead evil lich. so like... lets not tell the director and merle can you like perform an exorcism or something just to see if its true?" "Uh I have detective good and evil?" "Dope." And NOTHING HAPPENS BECAUSE LUP ISNT EVIL- but merle does detect some necromantic energy radiating off her whole being but he doesnt have like a spell to fix her so theyre like lets not worry about it rn

Lunar interlude

Alright angus this is magic, cooking? Why the fuck would i teach you how to cook

Ok you got me i grew up by myself in a lonesome life as a vendor but i didnt cook or anything I just spent my whole life doing side jobs and saving people. yeah fire is my speciality but like i wouldnt recommend it for you cause its literally fire. and youre a kid.

Whered I get the glave? A skeleton from a cave. He was wearing a red robe so lowkey maybe im possessed by his spirit but like... doubt.

Eleventh hour

I believe in you ango

woah we're here

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU FIGHTING THE WORMS LEAVE THEM ALONE THEYRE JUST BABIES

alright lets get this bread - bye avi - hello clay perosn. roswell? ok Wow that statue sure is red what the fuck

"This is bad.. this is a bad thing i did." Yeah I kept it.

Hi Cassidy im sure we can be besties

woah earthquake

Lets go in the inn, oh hello pretty elf lady, ok she doesnt care about me wdym you know magnus - guys wait dont make me talk to her alone

"Why do you live in a bubble?" "Lup." "WHAT?"

I wanna meet paloma fuck you guys

I will go to town on these scones, you need gold can I trade you anything else

I can hardly remember these goddamn loops so lets assume that lup and taako do alot of the same shit except she doesnt steal any of this shit -

Put him in a bubble... ok-

Hi Istus, What's this? Not a bag of holding? "This item... has the ability to bring back anyone from the dead, as long as they have been deceased for at least over a decade." "Oh this could be useful for all the guys you killed!" "Yeah!" "Well... you could save it too but... yes I suppose so?" "But only for over a decade." "Why the fuck is that so specific?" "STOP SWEARING IN FRONT OF CHRISTMAS" "ITS ISTUS"

Ok get that cup

Fuck you issak

WOAH ITS THE CUP BACKSTORY TIME; Besides the long periods of static and weirdly fuzzy childhood, Lup's biggest regret in her life? Well she didn't have anything really. She didn't put any of her skills to good use.. except once. She was performing her evocation magic for money and it got out of hand. She seriously injured an innocent person that resulted in their death. "Lup... that is your biggest regret. But it hasn't happened yet. If you claim me, we can go back and save that life. They would have never died. We can go back and save them."

thats the best i can do

Lup probably takes the longest to think this over because she cant handle the fact she murdered an innocent but Magnus's speak of "Tell me what happens if we dont do this" convinces her to stay

DONT KILL THE WORM YOU BITCHES, LISTEN TO JUNE

FREEDOM

Oh fuck its that red robe again - no we dont fucking trust you

"You don't... You don't trust me...?" He looks to Lup, and floats down to her level. Despite his occasional flattery and softness when he speaks to her, lowering himself and looking her in the eye pulls at something invisible in her heart. Something she hasn't felt in forever. "Lup...? You don't trust me?" "I don't even know you." The red robe whispers some more things and electricity flies off of him as he vanishes.

Hi Paloma oh a vision? "In your hour of greatest need, you will receive help from the forgotten one."

Ok back home - oh fuck IS THAT THE GRIM REAPER?

Lets fight? OK!

Lunar interlude

Date at the chug n squeeze? Wrong. Battle of the century. Almost.

Lup v Kravitz the two face off with Kravitz just trying to knock Lup out so he can safely transfer her into the astral plane without her dying

Lup, who doesnt think shes a lich, is just trying not to die.

They dont do this on the moon, they do this in neverwinter

IS THAT THE FUCKING RED ROBE?

As he saves you. As you're down you feel something phase through you as a red robe walks through your body and presents itself in front of Kravitz. He emits that same electricity off of his body and Kravitz looks baffled but only rifts a hole into the astral plane. "You're coming with me." As the battle is only beginning the red robe whispers to you, Lup; "Run."

PURCHASES THE RAGING FLAMING POISONING SWORD OF DOOM

Suffering game

Hey lucy, oh youre not fifty? Oh thats lowkey kind of fucked "Luckily as an elf i dont think i have to worry about that... sorry-"

Maggy where the fuck are you going

I feel like Lup would either follow magnus or magnus would defo ask Lup to help break out robi, so she does.

MAGNUS YOU FUCKING KILLED THEM-

Oh fuck get me out of here fighting these monsters

Lord artemis sterling and his bodyguards... cool.. ok

nvm lydia is hot

Ok this sucks

Lup gets the same sacrifices as Taako, so she takes the bad luck, shes fine with losing some life, hands? No Im not giving you my hand, fuck. MY APPEARENCE...? Yeah i dont care.

Chooses trust instead of forsake.

"Why should this person chose you?" "Uhh... Cause I'm hot as fuck." *applauds*

SAVES MAGNUS OFC - Oh is that the grim reaper? So Lup actually does try to save Kravitz cause lowkey she wants to be on good terms with him

Is that the red robe-

WE'RE TRUSTING HIM NOW????

her ghost looks ... weird.

Its nearly impossible to kill Edward, except when he's a lich. So. That's actually when Lup gets an idea. And she dies. Like full on explodes herself.

LICH LUP WOOOOOO

As soon as Lup is free from her body, her very very death and actually burning corpse. Everything hits her very slowly and soon all at once. So instead of killing edward immediately Lup instantly panics and starts to lose her cool... until "Lup?" She hears Barry's voice. It's not her anchor but it's enough to remind her of the situation at hand.

Lup destroys edward, so lydia destroys magnus's body

As Magnus sees Lup's liches form he isn't surprised, because he remembers when Lup sat down and told them all(?) about her and ... somebody's decision to become a lich... WAIT WHAT

Lup demands more answers from Barry and Magnus does the same, Barry is more sweet about it to Lup than Magnus

Merle is looking at Lup and Barry with upmost confusion and WHAT IS GOING ON????

To Barry's cave! Hey why is there two pods here

"So... I'm really glad actually, Lup, that you're here. And you're back... and as much as i wanna stop the end of the world to kiss you... We gotta move. We both saved what we could from our corporeal forms - mine is a bit more fresh but yours is back from the [starblaster]... so ... I actually don't know what you'll remember but youre gonna need it if we wanna get back on that moon base and confront Lucretia."

Merle can't hear anything and he is so confused, Magnus can understand this all and contiens demanding answers- before they both enter the tank, Magnus gets Lup's outfit while Merle pulls out deniem blue jeans AND WAIT BARRY AS IN BARRY BLUE JEANS?? beFORE THEY DO THIS

Lup looks to Barry and asks where Taako is. The name sounds familiar to Magnus, but his head is splitting in two before he can remember such a person. Barry can't bring himself to reply so he simply tells Lup he isn't sure but he doesn't have high hopes.

As they both go into their own tanks, Barry doesnt know anybody or anything. Lup steps out and she throws on her outfit and demands answers from magnus and merle of what happened after she died. "Am I a lich? Am I posessed? IS THAT BARRY?" And why is barry still so goddamn attractive?

Barry looks at Lup like shes the love of his life and actually starts being timid and nervous around her

Magnus tries explaining but once its all static the idea of another void fish comes to mind... PLANNING

BACK TO THE MOON BASE

heres the relic, magnus is dead, fuck you.

Oh hi angus, the truth? uhhhh i guess we can tell you oh is that zone of truth. dammit barry-

SECOND VOID FISH?

Oh my god........ my brother is dead. Taako is dead.

Hi Lucy, "I'm gonna fucking kill you now." But Barry holds Lup back as her fire wall is pathetic against her shield.

"I'm so sorry Lup but.. the pain was too unbearable. Taako.. Taako is gone. And he's not coming back."

Story and Song

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT-

As all hope seems lost after Lup remembers the other half of her heart, Barry and Lup are refusing to die because they cant be liches forever. They dont have anything to go back to-

She remembers Paloma's prophecy, and Istus's gift. It's a simple ritual - a simple spell and only thinking of her brother she casts it. And Lup almost loses it again when nothing happens.

It takes too much but Lucretia is the one who channels a spell to crush these beats in their own shield before she vanishes. ANd now we gotta do other shit yay

Lup and Barry and sent to find the ship but she can't bring herself to do so... "I... I know we're supposed to save the world and everything Barry but... but what's the point... without Taako here with us?"

Barry does what he can to comfort his fiance before he notices the sphere of black glass. "Listen.. do you remember in lucas's lab when we was going over everything?" "Ye.. yeah?" Barry takes a breath to elaborate but Lup cuts him off. "Barry you know transumtation isn't my school of magic." "I know but..." He points to the glave she's holding. "It's his."

And with that they feather fall down and give it a try.

While Barry begins to fight for his life - with the help of Lucas who joins them, Lup continuously tries and fails to open this portal. She slams her head against her own creation and curses Taako for not being here. How is she supposed to go on when Taako is gone? And she didn't even get to grieve? Or say goodbye? And why did Istus lie to her?

And then a rift in space opens. And there he is. Taako appears in his red robe without his hat or his weapon. Lup feels a hand on her shoulder suddenly as she hears her brother's voice say "Don't worry Lulu, I have magical powers." And when he touches his weapon to the sphere it's like an explosion goes off.

"Taako! Where'd you open that portal to?!" "The Astral Plane."

When Lup sees Kravitz (and he looks fucking awful.) behind him she suddenly flips out; "ARE YOU DATING THE GRIM REAPER?" "SHUT UP"

But it doesn't last long before Lup embraces Taako tightly.

TAAKO ONLY CAME BACK BECAUSE MEREL RECONNECTED WITH THE GODS BTW SO ISTUS COULDNT HOLD UP HER END OF THE DEAL UNTIL SHE WAS BACK-

OK SHIP TIME WE GET TOGETHER EVERYONE IS PISSED AT LUCRETIA BUT as theyre discussing the science behind it she suddenly offers, looking at the tres horny boys briefly that there is a third option. Thanks Paloma.

Taako stays on the plane to fight while Lup, sure she wont lose him again, kicks the hungers ass.

Epilogue, everything is pretty much the same because lup doesnt wanna run a school for magic and now that taako was apparently routing for lup in the astral plane the whole time shes off the hook

THE END YAYAYAYA

EDIT I KNOW I HAVE MORE WOOHOO:

Why does Taako die? Why does he care?

Well, Taako knew he couldn't just rely on a dance to cheer up Lup - so Taako decided he was going to do something good and destroy his sister's relic. Obviously he can resist the temptation but Cyrus Rockseeker does not. Taako blasts him with his glave(or clave or whatever) into the safe but ultimately dies.

We then we Taako wake up in the astral plane, behind the bars of the eternal stockade where a skeleton stands before him checking off a list. He says something in a cockney accent along the lines of "Finally, I've been lookin' for you."

"Crazy accent you go there Ghostrider, where am I?" "You're in the Astral Plane, Taako. Finally. You wouldn't happen to know where your others friends are? They're supposed to be locked up in here with you."

"... What-"

AND OVER THE TIME TAAKO SUCCESSFULLY FLIRTS AND SEDUCES KRAVITZ ESP POST CRYSTAL KINGDOM ARC AND THATS WHY THEYRE DATING NOW OK COOL-

[scarletspider-lily]

this bullshit discourse around cishet aromantic men is driving me insane and im not aromantic or aspect in the slightest but i gotta rant. because it's just getting very ridiculous at this point, because people make assumptions about everyone and also want to twist the definition of being queer- for some reason?? 1) "well- well they dont get oppressed!! >:(" sorry, pause, why the FUCK are we making "oppression" a part being lgbtq+ ? is this some new fucking requirement?? are you people okay?? i dont give a fuck if some queer child has had the best life ever in a super inclusive area from the second they were born, i would be happy for them?? maybe you should too? listen, ive faced oppression for being bisexual, and have felt envious of those with accepting family and whatnot, but what im not going to do is discredit my fellow queer person for facing "less" or no oppression at all for their identity. crazy take, but i think the goal should be to reduce queer oppression...

and oppression is not... some fixed scale type of thing, someone was trying to say that being asked "when will you get married?" to aro people wasn't oppression. as if that is not the only thing aro people face, as if instituitions like marriage dont exist, with certain economic benefits aro people can't partake in, and social constructs making certain people seem "weird" and straight up ostracized from social groups if they choose not to partake in romance.

2) amatonormativity is a thing, look it up. i get that it may be frustrating if you are allo to accept that youve been taught a lot of stuff about romance that seems magical and all encompassing and you dont want to give it up, but no one is asking you to do that. i used to be taken aback at some things aro folks pointed out, but as ive read more, ive realized that romance is wonderful to some people but shouldnt be held up as the ultimate pedestal in society. so, romanticize romance and whatnot if you personally want to, but understand that certain social constructs may harm people, especially those who do not want relationships for whatever reason. plus, learning about amatonormativity has helped me positively go about my own relationships- platonic and otherwise! 3) im gonna piss people off with this one, but please stop with the bullshitty radfem takes about cishet men being the ultimate spawn of satan, or something. the jokes here and there were one thing, but some of you guys actually believing that most of what cishet men do is inherently evil is legitimately concerning and this doesnt do much to actually help any matters. no, the man choosing to have another hookup this week or continuing to fuck a female friend-with-benefits isnt the ultimate enemy here against women. most takes on "hookup culture" generalize a lot of people's experiences, and i know there is research backing multiple perspectives on this, but at the end of the day what needs to be realized is that you cannot stop two consenting people from doing things together. it has no impact on you, and does not have a grand impact on society. unless you have definitive proof that whatever evil man you're talking about is "using women", there's no point to what you are saying, and if there is such a man, cishet aro men still are legitimate in their identity. would you exclude gay people from the community because of gay people who do bad things? would you do that for most identities? no? what makes this so drastically different, then? dont pull the oppression argument again for the love of god anyways, i hope all the cishet aro men and aro people in general are having a nice day. you will always be a part of the lgbtq+ community. dont let anyone tell you otherwise, or discredit you for the amount of "oppression" you face, as im sure they dont know half of any struggles you have. and if you (or any queer person in general) do happen to have few struggles, im very happy for you, as that's how it should be!!

[blaqueswanzaghouliishiilikeda]

This may be my personal reading but I think Claudia very deliberately riled up Lestat in that chess scene so she could expose everything to Louis and get him to leave with her. I never saw Claudia for one second believing anything Lestat promised, but she likely went along with letting Lestat back in cause she knew that Louis needed to be shown without a doubt that Lestat was full of shit before he would actually agree to leave. Cause in that first chess scene its not like Lestat is saying anything provocative or aggressive towards anyone, for all we know, he's playing his part really well yet she pokes at him with very sensitive jabs (Nicki) to get him to expose himself, which he does and that helps to push Louis closer to leaving. She knows at this point Lestat isn't thinking about her much more than as a means to keep Louis so she turns that against him as now she becomes the means to get Louis away from Lestat.

I always wondered why in those 6 years did she not leave NOLA? We see that Louis is physically perfectly fine by year 3. She must've known with the non-stop gifts from Lestat it was only a matter of time before Louis was worn down.

im gonna push back on this hard. i want you to know that i’m not like mad or angry or shutting you down. im just VERY passionate about children especially black children.

before i get into it we do not see a louis who is perfectly fine ever. there is not a single episode when louis is in anyway stable. this is a assertion that does not take into account the beast of PTSD. that shit showed up with flashbacks in Dubai. He was not okay. and Claudia knew that.

also before i get to whats really driving me to push back. we are disagreeing in Lestat playing his part well. Louis is in love and bonded (the real actual definition of trauma bonded, not like how its been wildly misinterpreted) to lestat. He is not going along with this because Lestat is playing his part well. He is manipulating Louis. He is trying to manipulate Claudia. Lestat is the one who broke their relationship it does not matter that he’s not being provocative or aggressive in this scene. the last ten or so minutes ep 5 is enough of a reason for her to NEVER trust him again. What does it say that ANYONE should expect her to over look that alone and play nice because in this moment he’s not doing anything that is a take i cannot and will not agree with.

but ep 5 is not a stand alone. he been provocative and aggressive from the beginning.

but im gonna have to push back on something that has been bothering me. Claudia is not without emotion. and she is not without feeling. in fact locked up at fourteen she is MADE UP of emotion and feeling. she is NOT just a plotting monster. i thought i challenged this take enough in my rewatch but imma have to get into it more. maybe she doesnt feel the ramifications of her actions. maybe she isnt burdened by guilt bc of her age. maybe shes more ruthless bc of her age. why should i not attribute emotion to that. this is where i think ppl like to refuse the full breath of children’s humanity. kids seek nurture and care. they’ll do anything for it. they don’t have an full understanding of everything. but they are not these unfeeling cold monsters that just go about being destructive and not caring. a friend of mine told me onetime he took i think it was a jelly fish or something from the sea and put it in the bathwater bc he wanted to keep it. he didnt understand that would kill it. when it died he was so fucking anguished he cried for the rest of the day especially when his parents told him it happened bc he put it in the bath. that it belongs in the sea.

he didnt do that bc children are cruel monsters. he did that because he didnt understand the variety of life and the particular needs of that animal. but he is full of emotion. it was love that made him pick up that animal. it was love that made him want to keep it. it was love that crushed him when he found out what he had done.

now. i see to much that y’all wanna only allow the monster piece in claudia and it drives me up the wall. and her childhood is often used agaisnt her. shes more of a monster bc she didnt get to live a full life she let go of her humanity bc she didnt have all the years of humanity loustat did. except she had 14 years of humanity. in 14 years she lived a life. and i refuse to take that away from her. she is angry!! she is angry and sad and lonely and frustrated and isolated and alienated and reaching for connection and she is time and again denied her personhood. That is the humanity in her. she also fed the fuck up!!! and how she chooses to go about getting her ass out of there does not take away her humanity.

she is also curious. she also is loving and wants love in return. she is also nurturing and wants to be nurtured back. she is also gentle and wants gentleness back. ALL of this drives her ruthlessness for fighting back. her ruthlessness for killing. her ruthlessness for surviving. and her ruthless for doing what needs to be done to get out.

she also dragged louis out to algiers bc she loves him. bc it hurts her to see him. why do you think they included that little walk where they were talking about Emily Dickinson? they were happy. they weren’t perfectly fine. but they were happy. they were relaxed. they were at peace. they were each others. they werent constantly under the threat of abuse and mistreatment and fear. Louis traded that for his relationship with Lestat. I can understand why he did that and also stand with her on her anger about that. that fucking HHURTS! it hurts children when the abuser comes back home. it hurts them. she was hurt. so no i dont agree that she just did that to plot against them. hating and loving are often times not mutually exclusive. sometimes you hate because you love. and eventually with enough signs it wont get better hate can eclipse love. but thats where it was born. at least thats what i see was elevated in their relationship with the amcverse.

[dudewithastick]

sneaky peek at my current wip (also the first wip i had in months) and some thots on it. i need to rant (complain) so bear with me

so far its going pretty good, it doesn’t look bad and thats cool bcs i defs wouldve given up if it did look bad at this point.

obviously this is some kind of realism style and its okay, its not the best, idc. what sucks is that i dont even want this style but its the only one i can do. like i wanna do cartoons and other artsy stuff with clear lines or just sketching. stuff i see online, but i CANNOT do it, no matter how hard i try. i will always do some realistic shadowing and then its over bcs the composition isnt right for me anymore. and i hate it bcs not only would my life be so much easier if i wouldnt fall into this kind of ‘realistic’ style, which is straight up a pain, id be so much more productive as well. but i’m some weird perfectionist dumbass (blame it on my virgo rising or whatever) so shading and tiny details it is.

speaking of details, i love that i accidentally built this wip on my sketch file, which was not nearly a good enough format and now the quality SUCKS ASS but thats nothing new to me so i’m just gonna accept that every detail i draw is like 5 pixels only and you can barely see them.

another thing i suck at is color theory. and when i started this project (yesterday) i was set on doing only b&w. literally 3 seconds in i used colors and i regretted it immediately bcs it looked good which meant i had to continue bcs we dont do half assed shit… so now i committed to color and i don’t understand color theory. like i can see it working but it doesn’t make sense and all i do is experiment bcs i see no sense or pattern (now i question my tiktok diagnosis of autism, neurodivergence and adhd)

at this point i have also given up at originality. im just copying my references picture, which is fine bcs i will never be able to draw a whole ass person, and i would defs not be satisfied if i wouldn’t add details. so now im stuck at drawing a whole military outfit and my reference picture is also only 9 pixels so i cant even make out what im drawing. i’m just guessing at this point.

okay for now the last part of my complaining… @blnk338 why did u choose such a unique mask for reaper? the way i struggled with the concept and its still not perfect but i dont wanna get hung up on it so i’m moving all over the place and going back to the mask every other minute… pretty sure the mask design alone took me 2 hours to put together so it made sense to my brain and then another 3 to design to my liking lmao

anyway this is a snippet of my current take on reaper from rwys, which so far is only the body but there will probs be eyes at some point, if i dont give up. first time in months, almost years of drawing something, so i guess big thanks to blink for giving me the motivation and a character to work on for fun. hopefully i can give an update on progress soon lol

[towerologist]

im convinced i already sent you an ask abt this but i cannot find it so maybe i hallucinated it? i am rewriting it cuz you are my coolest mutual and also bc its not like i can tell anyone in real life abt this

im Convinced my partner is at least partially transfem but its like. please how do i help em crack their egg

like for context some of the things that they do is: have extremely long hair, loves it when i call em a girl, loves to be called pretty, was so happy when i made em try my dresses, wanted me to put makeup and nailpolish on em, said that theyre fine with any pronouns, straight up told me they tought they were trans for like a week many years ago.... but they still call themselves a cis man

dont get me wrong i have brought this up w em like, as gently as i could, and they said that they kinda knew i had suspicions, and they questioned their gender too, but they are 99% sure theyre not trans. they continue to say they like any pronouns and smile so much when i use feminine pronouns w em.

so on one hand im like. this is your life, and obvs i cant force labels onto you, and sometimes people are just gender noncomforming. on the other hand, im preeeeeeeeettyvsure theres something deeper going on and i want to help my partner but i have no idea what to do

also its not like they dont have enough exposure to trans people, me and the other person in our friend group are both trans :p

I mean, honestly, let em know that they dont have to be a binary trans woman to be trans. If they feel fine with the label of cis man that is fine too! But you dont have to be uncomfortable or unhappy with your gender to be trans, often times someone with a more loose presentation might wonder for a long time because they dont fit the marks, but think 'im fine like this so i guess im not'. The thing is that it can be fine like that, surely, but it can be wonderful when trying other stuff. Honestly just let em know you'd hold their back whatever label they pick, and that labels are fluctuant and not something you gotta pick and stick with it. Also, they could simply not use any labels at all. One could be like 'well i dont think im a trans woman, i dont think im nonbinary, im def not a trans man because thats not my anatomy, so i guess im just cis', and while thats fine too, theres the option to simply be queer, or unlabeled. Let em know that they dont gotta pick something with any rush, that they dont need to define themselves in a word to fit in a twitter bio. If they find cis man descriptive for them, thats also wonderful! I find a lot of joy in seeing cis men use any pronouns and present femeninely. Someday in the future they might go for smth else, and it doesnt make their cis man-ness less true to who they are now, and their autodefinition of 'cis man' now isnt less because of what they might pick next. Make sure they know its a matter of preference and comfort, rather than discomfort and guidelines. Make sure they can be whoever they want around you, which im sure you already do. Talk to them about how they feel, ask them about what the labels they use mean to them and share about the labels you use and the meaning these have for you. We have all the options in the world, always, me, you, them, everyone else who exists. Nothing is permanent and a small change could signify a big joy. Im sorry if this is a big paragraph of 'just be yourself 🏳️‍🌈 :)', i could probably be of more help if i knew them but alas i hope this is something at least!

[kbirby]

People dislike the 2001 FB because it’s unfaithful to the original story.

I'm aware! But I think its an unjust reason.

I think that what makes a good adaptation or even a good story based on something is not directly tied to how faithful it is to the original.

It is about what that story does with its premise, how does it transform it?

Making something completely like the original does not make it immediately the best thing ever, and I would argue that Fruits Basket 2001 actually does a better job of conveying the original FEELING of Fruits Basket, even if it lacks in the story.

Fruits Basket 2001 was running when the manga wasn't finished which doomed it to split into a different narrative path, missing many things people loved about the manga's story and we never got a second season, missing out on the intricacies of the story of FB.

HOWEVER, what 2019 does horribly in comparison to 2001, that for me personally ruined my entire watching experience, was the atmosphere and feeling of the story. Specifically in the music.

While FB 2001 fails to ever tell the full story of FB, the story it does tell hits harder emotionally and the experience is more shocking than when I watched 2019. And I realized this was because of the music, 2019's music failed to stick with me in any positive way. It is so boring that I cannot remember a SINGLE tune of it, except for the one I hate the most that plays during ever serious or sad moment. The atmosphere for 2019 ends up being strangely, non comedic during many times there should be comedy. Mostly again due to the music, the atmosphere is starkingly dark and dramatic and I know that a lot of people most likely prefer this.

A lot of critique 2001 gets is that it is "too comedic", as if fruits basket isnt a ROMANTIC COMEDY SLICE OF LIFE. In fact the comedy INCREDIBLY aided in the serious moments of 2001; The music of 2001 gives us such beautiful melodies and themes, motifs of different characters and different feelings, sometimes even reoccurring in different instruments to have us feel a different way. Hiro's theme going from slightly slower to a faster paced when he starts hustling and fast talking people, flustering them. The main theme "Memory" being played in its full form or being played in lighter instruments giving us a feeling of nostalgia tinged with sadness. There is life and character in this OST, it is beautiful and largely carries 2001.

Now I understand why 2019 couldn't use the OG soundtrack, whether for copyright reasons or maybe they just wanted to go a different direction, but the new OST is boring. It is lifeless. It is REPETITIVE. The SAME exact track is played for almost ever serious moment, and in general fails to make me feel ANYTHING for the characters of 2019, so much so that it completely ruins the atmosphere of the show.

It helps aid in Fruits Basket feeling overtly serious, that and line delivery and general direction of the show. And the main reason this is an issue is that extremely serious moments of trauma we are shown, moments that we should be feeling bad for characters, have left me holding back LAUGHTER from how ridiculous it feels. There is not "Oh fuck this is super serious" moment in 2019 because EVERYTHING feels so serious.

2001 Does an amazing job of subtly drifting from the comedic slife of life energy, to more serious topics like Hatori's trauma, Momiji's family relationship, Kisa being bullied, and the AMAZING finale that I wont even spoil. The end of Fruits Basket 2001 left me aching for more and stunned at how I had ended up there, yet does it so seemlessly. Tohru is the light that carries the show, that carries the characters through their deep trauma, staying positive despite her situation no matter how incredibly depressing. And 2001 does this through its music.

If you like 2019, by god I hope you do. I really do. I wish I liked 2019 I wanted to SO BAD. I waited YEAAAAARRSS for a season 2 or revival, and when it came I was so excited!! But as I watched, I could not get over how much the general vibe and ambience bothered me, it hindered my watching experience and I actually DROPPED IT when it first came out, only picking it back up when the show FINISHED. I hope despite all this, despite all my grievances people that love 2019 love it for their reasons and dont care what I say.

But by god, something being more accurate to the original does not automatically make it better, or the first rendition that was not completely true to the original bad. And I will never get over how people can actually think that.

[moonjxsung]

i get on your blog this morning and these news are the first fucking thing i see???? holy fuck you dont understand how much my blood is boiling right now, and i cannot even BEGIN to imagine what it would feel like for you, the original author, when just a simple reader is feeling this way.

what pisses me off even more is that taking a publication and posting it without proper credit or permission is one thing, but taking a publication, changing the title and everything, claiming it as yours and making your OWN copyright warnings, and saying shit like "oh i put my blood sweat and tears into writing this!! :3" PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP 😭😭 you know what you DID put your blood sweat and tears into?? pressing that ctrl c and ctrl v button and pressing post.

these people need to GET. A. LIFE. WAKE THE FUCK UP 😭😭 if you want to have a gorgeously written fic and claim it as your own, publishing it for everyone to see, THEN MAKE YOUR OWN. IT IS PLAIN FUCKING EMBARASSING, ESPECIALLY FOR THE OG AUTHOR TO SEE THEIR OWN COPYRIGHTED POSTS, WITH YOU CLAIMING IT AS YOUR OWN. how do people not get this..

im sorry im a little pressed with this right now but 😋😋 im gonna send this anon msg to you and then go to wattpad and comment on every single line saying that that shit isnt their fic, and report it and somehow attempt to get in contact with them to fucking bash at them. i personally think violence is never the answer but people like this make me second guess my choices sometimes aha!

REMINDER THAT I LUV YOU SOSO MUCH and we are here for your for situations like this no matter what. ty for telling us about it so we can report it. this is such an unfair and icky situation for you and i understand that, we luv you so fucking much star we'll get back at that fucking wattpad user for this (ofc its wattpad 😭)

~《☘》, burning with rage

THE “BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS” PART KILLED MEEEE LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN 😭😭 and the way they maintained it being their original work even when they finally took it down???? I will never for the LIFE of me understand thieves and their tactics. They really delude themselves into thinking it’s their property 🥲 THANK YOU endlessly for all your help and for helping me get it taken down, you guys are truly the best and I don’t know what on earth I would do without all your support ☹️🫶🩷 I seriously love you so so much it hurts

[frabbitx]

My interpretation and theorys about tommys season 1 dsmp final!

SPOILER WARNING FOR TOMMYS "The last stream" LORE STREAM!!!!

After tommy was revived, he finally made sense of the core of dreams desire for the server, he cannot understand why dream had to do the things he did to make that happen, why simplier times had to be the way he wanted them to be or why he hurt everyone in an attempt to achieve it, but he gets the core desire of his views, just showing how compassionate tommy is despite dream having tortured and abused and killed him for the past 2 years.

Dreams sees that and imidiently tries to use it into manipulating tommy to join their side, pretending to be all simple and just wanting to be friends. Of course that is untill he realizes that he is gonna die and that it was a trap.

Tommy saying "I'm sorry" wasnt him apologizing to dream for what he did but more for that he had to kill him, bc in the end, tommy never wanted to kill anyone, but to save the server he had to.

The nuke only hit the prison, like it intended to do.

However somehow the 5 people that were in the prison woke up somewhere else. Prehaps it was still the same server, just far away from everything or maybe it was a completly new world. They all had their memory wiped, but prehaps memory can be recovered?

(Also a lil theory im case that the whole server was nuked and everything was reset)

What cdream and ccwilbur said about the server got me thinking

Cdream said "how do people just apear on the server?" And ccwilbur said "prehaps ctommy and cwilbur met on another world, parted ways but met again on the dream smp."

It makes it seem like the server just started existing at one point and one after another, people joined. That doesn't make sense tho considering certain people have memorys from befor them officially joining the server that played on the server tho? (Like ranboo, puffy, eret) or that karl can go back in time to stuff existing on the smp and also the egg existing for a long time on the server. It makes no sense!

But what if the server is a loop? What if this isnt the first time that the server existed? What if dreamXD just resets the server everytime things go bad?

It would mean everyone has amnesia, but only some are aware that they have a past they forgotten. And that would mean that while the server gets reset, its possible to regain the memories of the past loop.

I would also like to think that there is people who were/are not part of the loop bc they came from somewhere else. Techno came from somewhere, so he would have no memories of a past life he forgotten. Same goes for phil and wilbur. However, phil might be part of the cycle now considering he was on the server when it was reset. Or prehaps he is not. I'd like to belief that wilbur isn't effected by the loop since he is not on the server, so if he ever returns he would be the only one who can remember the old dream smp. Maybe also foolish keepe his memories considering he is a demi god. He just didn't interact with anyone befor beside eret so he would not know that the server gets reset. Maybe also connor bc it would be funny.

------------------------------------------

Even if I am wrong about all this, a saw a lot of takes on the ending that kinda saved it for me? Considering that tommy raged about cdream defenders in his offline chat before I think it wasn't intentional made to sympathize with cdream. Was it well executed? Not at all but again, the people on the dream smp are not writers in any way and I can see how it was hard to convey the message they wanted to give. I am already happy with alot of stuff that happened and the way ctommys character was handled. Because after all, ctommy is a compassinate person who always tries to see the best in people(we have seen that many times in people like techno or wilbur) who tries to belief there is good in everyone and that even small speeks of good are worth fighting for. No matter how much cdream hurt ctommy, he wanted to do all he could to not have to kill him in the end. Unfortunatly it was too late the moment tommy stepped into that prison.

[nonegenderleftpain]

calling a trans woman a child and a whiner for rightfully condemning people for financially supporting a site that platforms both transphobia and racism isnt a good look tbh, just admit you care about preserving your fandom spaces more than people's very real problems with this site.

I use this site as a platform for disability advocacy, trans rights advocacy, and sex education. Fandom is secondary.

There is not a single platform out there that does not have bigots on it. It doesn't exist. I'm a trans Jew. The existence of transphobia and racism on this site affects me very deeply and very personally. The solution is not to cut off your nose to spite your face. I'll say what I said again - it is childish and naive to sit and bitch and whine about people financially supporting a space that they spend so much time using, in which they have community spaces that are criminalized or censored on other platforms. It is equally naive and childish to believe that this site - *on which you are complaining*, might I remind you - can just keep going with no changes to structure. I value a community space that allows me to be anonymous and do my work without risking losing my fucking HRT because the wrong people found out that I talk about still wearing dresses on testosterone online. It doesn't matter that she's a trans woman, it's a cold take.

What was the last thing you did to fight racism and transphobia in your community? Was it bitch and moan? Or did you actually spend the time dismantling racist ideals in your community? Maybe educate people on racist and transphobic rhetoric? Create a community space that is heavily moderated to protect members? If your attitude is to just scream about people buying entertainment to support a space that allows you to say lesbian without having to fucking censor it, then I don't want to hear you talk about bigotry on this platform. You know where else there's bigotry? Every single social media platform that exists. The difference between Tumblr and other platforms is that here, we're still allowed to talk openly about queer sex and relationships without fear of account termination. Without having to attach our real life names to our accounts. Without having to worry about advertisers changing the things we are and are not allowed to say. Apple's chokehold on half the fucking mobile market already caused irreparable damage to communities on this site that depended on it for their livelihoods. If the site changes hands again because it is a constant financial black hole, we can say goodbye to even more of our freedoms.

The freedom to talk openly about queer experiences without fear of repercussions depends entirely on the lack of advertisers sanitizing and colonizing this space. And keeping them out means supporting this site. ANY site that allows for open discussion is going to have a problem with bigots. That's just how the world works. This site is too big to eliminate every racist transphobe. Tumblr, unlike most social media platforms, actually has a functioning block and blacklist built in. Use it to protect yourself, and then work on dismantling those people's platform, or stop bitching. You HAVE to learn to take responsibility for your own online experience and curate it accordingly. Expecting websites to do it for you means begging big daddy capitalism to step in and censor everything til it's squeaky clean. And that includes pushing all mention of the dirty queers and greedy Jews into the back room and locking it, like they have over, and over, and OVER again.

It is your job as an adult to protect yourself online. Curate your own safe spaces, because you cannot get rid of every bigot that exists. It's not possible. And sitting and complaining about the rain instead of pulling out a damn umbrella and helping your friends put up a tarp is childish. It's also a very privileged position. For many of us, there is NOWHERE ELSE TO GO. And this place allows us the freedom to exist without fear of censorship, doxxing and catering to capitalism. It's not perfect, but if you sit and refuse to take steps to make the world better - like helping keep a platform that you depend on from caving to the bullshit gentrification happening everywhere else - because the result isn't perfect, then you're wasting everyone's time and energy. Someone is going to have to do the dishes after the revolution. If you wait for automation to prevent people from having to do that labor instead of rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands wet, it's never going to get better.

I'll say it again - block me. I used this ask as a teaching moment, and I will not be responding to any further anons on this subject. Stop being a coward and put your face to your words or stop wasting both our times.

[royposting]

Most terfs i see are vehemntly against consensual stuff such as BDSM and the likes of that. I see many even against porn and sex work in general. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable for calling you queer, i was going on lgbt+ history there.

As for oppression, yes sexism and opression exists, but blaming every man and putting down men isnt going to fix anything. To be equals you cant pull down people to your level, you have to work together to rise up simultaneously. Am i saying work with sexist people? Of course not, fuck those people. I'm saying you have to work with your allies, no matter who they may be. This idea of "all men are inherently evil" doesnt work towards any goal other then harming men. Most of the men that get harmed are men who are already oppressed anyways.

Can you give me an example of your idealogy ever actually helping someone that doesnt put down someone else?

may i ask you, what is the difference between a man beating a woman because he just loves beating women, and a man beating a woman because he loves beating women AND it gives him a boner? consent is irrelevant, in this context. i used to pratice bdsm before i became a feminist, so trust me when i say i know all of the arguments of consent, etc. turns out i just absolutely hated myself and figured that if i asked others to harm me, i didnt have to harm myself. i consented to all that was done to me, but it has still left me with a completely broken sexuality. note also how radfems arent against all kink - none of us could care less if you like sucking toes or pretending youre ballooning up to massive size. the violence, however, is harmful.

thats not even mentioning how violence in sex has become so commonplace that literal children on tiktok speak about wanting to get raped, choked and beaten. its not healthy.

as for porn, how can you tell that the video youre watching is consensual? how can you tell the actors are in the videos because they love it and want to be? why should we normalise that very, very young people can feed themselves a steady stream of extreme violence committed against women, all while masturbating - creating an orgasm, a perfect way to wire their brains into thinking violence = good.

i am a survivor of ”sex work”, actually. id like you to ponder about the fact that all ex ”sex workers” out there are extremely against ”sex work”. selling feet pics on onlyfans is not the same as the reality for most women who sell sexual services. most are trafficked, dependent on drugs, are raped regularily. ask yourself, should the extremely rare and few sex workers who love their professions and have the ability to choose their clients speak over us who have survived and speak about the horrors we faced?

i cant say i quite understand your argument re: men. the truth is, all men benefit from our oppression. i have yet to meet a man who actively fights for womens liberation. its not about being equal, its about being liberated, and we cannot be if we coddle men. id also like to ask you - do you think men speak like this to other men re: sexist views? have you seen the way men speak about women in their enclosed spaces? i do agree that not all men are evil, but the truth is enough of them are that youre not safe around any of them.

radical feminism, in my opinion, allows women to find sisterhood, something ripped away from us by patriarchy. we can speak about womens voting rights, our rights to have our own bank accounts, abortion rights, right to divorce etc, but i think you already know all of those which is why i speak about personal experience.

a woman who unlearns centering her life around men is a powerful woman. giving women their voices back, and their bodies, and the love of other women is to me worth unmentionably much more than mens hurt feelings. womens lands, womens movements and even just all female friend groups - i have a circle of radfem friends who are all absolutely incredible people - they all collectively put womens needs and wants back into focus. men have always centered other men, so why shouldnt women center other women? why are you not in the inbox of MGTOWs, MRAs and redpillers? what is it specifically about radical feminism that is so provoking?

[theddude]

Lately i cannot sleep, at all, im exhausted, so mentally exhausted my brain isnt working anymore.... I dont know how you do it but i think you have the same?... how do you attend al the things you do with your partner when you as numb as i... you are doing your best i think, i know you do,... but how much a mask can cope?... ive got masks now as well... put them on while im with family or not alone, it drains me from energy... every brief moment im alone the mask slides of, and i have tears in my eyes and my mouth is sobbing, because all of those moments I can think with emotion about you...

I gett questions a lot, 'are you okay' 'you are not here, are you alright', ' do we need to get you help'... no, no and probably yes.... my only help would be Miss C back in my life,...its love,... its deep love, ifs unbelieveble deep love, its true love...

Beginning as colleagues into friends, into best friends, into lovers, into soul mates...what else do you want more...

Do you remember before I trueley knew you, I was at your reception, there was a game, about you and your partner, about who drives the best, I put my sign up for you,... all of your family looked at me... like.. huh howcome... I wasnt making a mistake, I did it on purpose,... because back then I already knew you need more love than meets the eye.... I couldnt hugg you then, I only had deep interest for you, and knew the person who was you with back then was never going to be able to give that all you needed,... you looked to me like suchs a wonderful person, who deserves so much more love, and shedding of all your masks.... some people can see through your masks, i believe(and understood) that i could....

Would it not be easier to live with someone without a mask? I believe it would,.. I could also see the mask you dad was wearing,... al the time... seems so exhausting too,.... i wish you didnt chose for a life in love with masks, but together with me without masks...everybody has masks, but should not need them around their partners...

You are not your Dad(or mom), you are not as good as your latest hickup, No you are You! And you are not valued by what you did, but by who you are,... AND YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING!,...you deserve the atmost repect and love, and not only love when the other wants it,... no, love when you want it and need it, that means love for you, cuddling, hugging, kissing, caring, caressing, talking, pouring emotions, listening, listening, holding you, consoling you, holding you,...

You need more than a manchild... hope you know that,... its dangerous,...

I'd love to marry you, and spend my life together with you, if you are ready for kids, then we have kids if you want ofc, if you want more pets, we gett more pets, you and i can be so happy!

Do you remember you bought your first satisfyer together with me? I do, you where so nervous, but you did it! We used it often, loved you playing with it, I dont see love purely as penetration, it is love for and with each other, pleasing you was always so much fun,.. for instance, loved all the times when my dick was out and you directly started stroking it, i knew you loved me stroking you to, on your lips, nipples, neck, mouth, arms, legs, butt, thighs,...

I remember you playing with your satisfyer and you asking me to put my dick in you, and then fuck you while you came with the satisfyer, it was suchs a good feeling!

Or like last time, you on your belly in bed, im stroking and fingering you, and you jerking me off, we both came, we both creamed, we both had awesome sounds doing that,... that was our love too....

While im typing this, thinking about you, ofc i gett a huge boner, and you know, i always gett, no matter how down i am or how much pads i see in the underwear or dots on your face,...i always gett a boner for you, because it is all so beautifull! I see passed the marks and scars and stuff, I see your eyes, your smile, your magnificent body!

Even now, sad because you are not here with me, sad because of the distance, sad of the things that happened,... I still can close my eyes in tears, and while stroking my boner, imagine you in front of me, or naked in bed, or naked on the couch, getting ready to sit on top of my, slowely riding me, and harder and harder and faster and faster, im holding your tits, kissing you if we can, im biting your nipples, grabbing your ass, ...or in bed when you liked it rough, me pulling your hair, riding you hard....so much fun, so much love!

I miss you love, with every fiber in my mind and body, im certain we belong together, I think you know that to,... love you beauty, ... i dont know where you are,.but you can always come home to me...

Your true love,

Patrick

[pwblogarchive]

July 2007

July 3, 2007

you are the best song ever written.my heart matches the beat (of the world) perfectly.i feel at peace with everything, which is rare for me.i'm out of breath but still grinning ear to ear.every time you stumble over your words but you keep smiling.it makes this worth it.feel the echoes of the stadium flushing through your body.cry out and raise your fists into the air.this is your anthem.nothing would ever matter if you weren't around.this has always been our fight club.dance until your shoes wear away and your legs refuse to work.sing until your lips are dry and chapped.jump until the earth shakes with your spirit.most importantly: shine smiles on me as i walk by.thank you for being my light.i cannot make it without you.we're just dressing up what's always been there.four boys and the crowd of lunatics who love them.this makes everything worth it.

Posted by xo at 2:52 AM "

July 6, 2007

weve been indoctrinated to crave the idea of the extraordinary ordinary

we accept the blogs and camera phones as mediums, not as in the transfer of information, but more closely defined to the idea of the spiritual medium...- as the prophets, the eye and pyramid on the dollar bill

we are just flies on the wall watching a culture have a nervous breakdown.

everyone is born between may 22 and june 22, even if theyre not- we are a gemini generation. we love to hate everything in other people that we hate about ourselves.

arrogantly insecure and vice versa.

and life lately is just always about the spins and collateral damage.

i drive zippers the way truckers know i80

sometimes the snow and ground frost shut us both down

in love with the idea of permanent impermanence.

so careful of stuttered over articulation, as though saying the word better would somehow make it mean more.

the worlds worst kind of diary.

pulled the pause button off of every electronic gadget in my home- i despise it so.

strangely fulfilled by the idea of loving strangers and hating my few remaining friends.

how there had to be an inkling in the head of neal armstrong to just stay on the moon and wait for the air to run out, besides the fact thats what we are all doing sort of in the long run only he'd have a better view.

July 7, 2007

“waiting on the world to change”

some people drink too much

talk too much

think too much

smile too much

ive got em all beat

crickets- but not in this city

and certainly not jiminy

its glowing with the heat of lightbulbs going off overheads

been staying up straight for the last week due to 6am flights and ideas

tommorrow is no different

wrote a long piece that hazily remembered tears going from left eye into right.. sideways on a tile floor

and another full of expectations and demands of the continent of africa....

sitting here unhindered by spellcheck or sentence structure

i am not of the head to press the submit button on either of these

they are derivitive and self indulgent-

not interested in championing misery, at least right now

instead i was thinking of how there is a spark of something great inside of almost every single person i have met in my entire life and that maybe it should be our task to blow on it and guard it, feed it ideas as dry wood- watch it burn.

instead of blowing it out.

easier said than done...

goodnight moon.

goodnight loves.

i hope to be back to my same miserable self in the morning. until then spark and travel safely in your head.

posted by xo at 10:20 PM

July 12, 2007

adventure is in your head. the capacity for it, that is.

for some reason the journal over at fobrock isnt working.

but just wanted to say thank you- its amazing to see a little video we did for the internet go to number one on trl.

today we leave on a huge adventure.

more later for now.

all the aliases hemingway goes by:

hem

hembone

grape crush

lil dude

hemitrex le strange

puppy chow

bubba

bubs

the fat man

the fattest man

the sad man

the baby old man

(the last four are used by joe exclusively)

its no wonder he doesnt know his name.

oh yeah- there is a new remix of arms race floating around the internet. we like it alot. check it out if you get a chance.

posted by xo at 4:41 PM

June 17, 2007

“dear man in the mirror: get over yourself.”

if the opposite is true than of course

bad things happen to good people

of this i am convinced

love only has legs

so it can runaway

damn the chesire cats and white rabbits all to hell

reading keuroac across the country is something everyone should do

its funny that a confidence man inspires just the opposite

cresting on waves

i wait for my dreams to break on the sand

breathing white cities off the map into your nose

there is mint in the japanese eye drops im using.

they feel like little piece of glass at war with my pupils.

but they bleach my eyes white even sleep couldnt save me.

i feel like the santa maria-

third in line of discovery

i want to find a new world with you in hand

i cant wait to make it back

i have chemicals to erase my old troubles and welcome new ones with open arms

finding the right formulas, adding and subtracting myself from myself

i am dreaming of the walrus and mysteries

and you cause you never know: just kick rocks, kid.

i had a spark that just wouldnt start

youll find asleep in the lobby of an airport somewhere

waiting for delays to begin or end

waiting to fly forward or back in time, only away from now

excuse me but this starts/stops and jumps from the limits of the pen

i cant fit all my thoughts onto the back of this dirty american airlines ticket

summer is when i still feel the most free

was reading of the late sixties, of dylan and a golden era

made me want this so much more

so glad i have three genuine people in my life no matter the first weeks or flashes

crush on me like new love or a drug

Posted by xoat 4:52 AM

July 20, 2007

“wowzers.”

fobrock journal still isnt working so i will post in here:

we left uganda after having seen the best and worst mankind has to offer.

after having not been on the internet for a couple of days i come back to find that i am engaged, pregnant, and have a facebook account- haha in other hardhitting news i just saw a gossip blog that had pictures of real life leprachauns riding a unicorn- pretty amazing how sweet REAL life is.

by the way if you are not speaking to someone in fall out boy over at falloutboyrock.com you are NOT speaking to a member of fall out boy.

we came to uganda with a plan for a video- we completely scrapped it and changed it after arriving and have made what we believe is a much more compelling and dangerous video. i am excited for you to see it.

i feel changed- little things dont matter as much. this trip has brought us so much closer as friends. the band is stronger than ever.

take care.

thank you for your continued support of all of our endeavors.

sleep hard, wish well.

p

July 20, 2007

“the lemon generation”

what follows are journal entries i wrote for myself personally on this trip. they are pretty boring and written terribly but i figured i would share this adventure with you... as the only reason WE are able to do this is YOU. each break is a seperate thought only they dont really make too much sense anyway.... please only share this with people you think would care, i dont feel like this should end up in some celebrity blog anywhere... ill add more later as this is just a few days. i apologize i am addicted to verbiage. thanks:

and today begins what may be the last real adventure of my life to a continent where life began. i am afraid and excited in a way i havent been in years.

gray skies, even grEy, leaving heathrow. time travelers. always backwards and forwards thru time. the lights of the coast bobbing with the bumps of the plane like buoys bobbing in the water. in a plane full of strange strangers were flying down the coast- which one, im not too sure, nor too concerned- im sure they are summering and waiting for life to crawl on as it jets by above them.

sheraton kampala- 8am today here, beats 3 am yesterday there.... the national language is english- though there are some 40 different dialects spoken in northern uganda alone. have not seen an insect or human worth having a conversation over or with yet. considering lowering my standards for one or both... and hoping as we leave and strike out for gulu that both the former and the latter become more foreign and intriguing. heres to hoping anyway. we drive everywhere in these funny taxis called "matutus"(?) the drivers speak little to no english anytime anything important needs to be communicated- and seem to have equally small regard for destination and speed limits- ah my kind of place. its strange to be surrounded by so many faces but feel so alone. at least coca-cola stuck their flag in this place- otherwise how could we beat the real thing (maybe who would even want to). first hour of the drive we get stuck in the mud, run out of gas and i have lost my malaria pills. we are off to a good start.

there is a torrential downpour outside. im guessing this is what they meant by rainy season. i cant imagine living here. (its not really hot at all this time of year. close to chicago in early september). as tho yr thoughts would never be able to dodge the rain drops as they fell- am i getting thru? i bet there is some great music and stories in those shanty towns we drove by. oh and the drive from kampala was semi-suicidal, cant believe we made it. dirtroads, dodging potholes and oncoming traffic- driving too fast for an ambush. i kept nodding off but patrick woke me up everytime he thought we might die. i wonder how many miles i am away from you right now?

t.i.a.- the acronym for the most applicable phrase ever. when the taxi never comes, or drops you off at the wrong spot, when the electricity goes off every single night, when there is sand in your rice- "this is africa" is simply what is said. at an ngo hotspot resturaunt- the only people that go to africa are christian or have a deathwish- not sure where we fit into that. so many white people it felt like the suburbs. there are over 100 ngos in gulu alone and the people still live in utter despair. at dinner people spoke of danger and missions- of the congo- the way people back home speak of gambling in vegas or frat parties. you win some, you lose some. the air everywhere smells acrid and burnt. ive been told its because people burn their trash here. walked part of the way in the pitch black , kind of as tho we had a mugger fantasy. oh well. ended up on the backs of "boda bodas"- these little 300cc motorbikes shooting off under the stars. and they never looked so goddamned bright anywhere on this planet as they do tonight in gulu. im gone.

i dont think anyone here wears a watch. honestly. its only either light or dark.

havent watched tv in awhile now. weeks, months. turned it on today- such a bore. spent the day in an idp camp pronounced "away" camp. tho i believe it is spelled completely different but the meaning of its misunderstanding is so profound. i am in a hole in my head. the rabbit went down but i havent fit since i was young. just in and out of sleep i have these visions. i dont know how to explain them. they would simply either bore you or scare you to death. they are between caring too much and not at all. between a detailed account and a jackson pollack mess. had them on the drive again. and again as the mosquito net rained around my dreamy head. i am intrigued by places that trade 4 seasons (not the one with roomservice) for a rainy season and a dry season. scratch what i said earlier at night it seems to be hot no matter what and in some occurences too hot to move or care. not sure of where i fit in this world.

i am convinced people can go bad, just like food.

there is more to this world than collagen and underwear-less crotch shots. i am convinced of this.

what we are filming is a dangerous idea- make no mistake of that.

i dont cry because the walls are too thin and i dont want anyone to hear me being human.

i awoke to a rainstorm that has never been heard in america. the kind that washes the sadness off the backs and out of the eyes of the tired and forgotten. it reminded me of how foreign this truly is. at toast and jam for breakfast again today. just two pieces. cause it was free. tho the westerner in my surely couldve eaten the whole loaf. toast is my favorite of all time. it is simple yet endows you with the feeling of timelessness and spacelessness. you could be eating this anywhere, anytime and it would even taste and feel the same for the most part.

i love times when everyone is asleep. the world seems to spin differently.

July 25, 2007

“loverboy”

i just wanted to express my sincerest admiration and pride for our friends in gym class heroes.

yesterday their record was certified gold.

and an exflame is simply certifiable.

posted by xo at 4:22 PM

July 25, 2007

"feeling the pressure, under more scrutiny. what do i do? act more stupidly"

his and hers mood disorders.

my friend drinks Lean. i didnt get the reference until he fell asleep in the movies with me.

more like passed out.

but its really all the same plus or minus breathing patterns and r.e.m. sleep.

oh and a note to you:

the nuts and bolts of love arent something that ikea instruction plans can assemble.

posted by xo at 6:41 PM

July 27, 2007

“the lemon generation part II: ‘the things i do just to make myself more attractive to you.’”

this is more of my diary from africa. again please be careful where this ends up cause its meant to be glossy and "celeb-rified".... thanks for hearing my thoughts even if they are kind of passing or boring:

struck out for "away" camp early. sneaking off on security. just wanted to feel indiana jones, only no hat and whip. we are on the backs of bodas on the red clay. mars dust in my mouth and on my sunglasses. the clouds scream golden as tho god himself was hiding just behind them (waiting for things to get good). my driver is tried and true. he reminds me of the way jack wrote of deans driving. we sped along... for once i existed beyond flashes, beyond the velvet ropes, beyond noho, beyond 900whatever, beyond the united states of.. beyond the milky way, beyond the solar system- waiting to be tamed just like in the old days...

i have a sense of impending doom

if we do not get out soon.

weve been roadblocked. machetes and spikes. fireflies can fly backwards and forwards, unfortunately for now we cannot. they are screaming at eachother, hate and spit hang on each word. i feel so small and alien. i fear for my life for the first time in a longtime. this is not indiana jones, there is no whip to pull us away- only shillings. today 5,000 of them were traded for my life. i dont want to remember or detail this or take it home with me. i want to pretend it never existed.

the airport in gulu is something of a punchline of a futurist's joke. though the humor would be lost on me. ive come to have a specific distaste for countries formerly colonized by the british if only for their adoration of "proper attire" at war with my own true love of sugar-y peanut butter. its a strange sight to see the poorest of the poor under the hot daggers of the african sun in long collared shirts and pants. at the airport i throw my cares over cultural sensetivity out the window (as i realize i am being sensitive to an anglo understanding of the civilizing of the uncivilized. and so it goes on and on until i cant understand my own head- for its become too hot to think). besides it would be nice to go home with more than just malaria and a farmers tan. so here i lay on the hot ground- dragons on my back, the blue eye sky on my face- shirtless. now realizing just how proper my attire is for the dusty dirt runway and questionable coke can of a prop which will carry us back to kampala. and away from the dirt and smiles and misery and love. there is an overwhelming desire with in each of us to put into words, to feel moved and changed by this trip- and i swear to god we each do in our own way, cameras on or cameras off. joking on the way hemingway lived through two back to back plane crashes in africa as we walk out onto the runway- able to romanticize everything- even a black out or a plane crash, so sad really- i laugh to/at myself. this is the magic of life. my shoes and all of my clothes are covered in a sort of red dirt- and at this point it seems like a better idea to throw them all away, with our cares, and start over rather than rinse them and constantly try to explain their history.

wishing away thoughts. it is in a nightlife minute that i realize i have to get out of this town. it doesnt believe in my love or my words- i want to remember, i want to forget the way i am a sad soul trapped in a happy body. i want to be owned by the simplicity of the midwest again...

life is a canyon and ive been on a cliff. i feel like im just falling in. from the plains of south africa at night. dear constellations please eat me alive- i am mad. the stars are so bright here they look million dollar movie set fake. digest me and turn me bright.

you are a world away truly, i will wait for it to spin around to me.

posted by xo at 1:22 PM

July 27, 2007

“you dont need a reputation when you're god.”

maybe stars and stripes mask the aching hearts beneath them, maybe we're all really a part of this, maybe our army is stronger than the centuries.

counted down the moments. planets colliding and imploding; all we see are lightshows because were stapled to the dusty carpet of our earth with our hands behind our heads. nothing looks as good as you feel.

trapped in a ceramic room, press your forehead against the cold tile and let the tears run down your face, you cant see anything through the falling water. let me be human. let me believe.

the roof of the world.

imagine four ships sailing in opposite directions.

west east north and south. this is the way my mind is pulled, inversely, and its completely out of character for me.

i am the fountain(head).

i lie only for/with you.

Posted by xo at 6:35 PM

July 28, 2007

this is more of my diary from africa. again please be careful where this ends up cause its meant to be glossy and "celeb-rified".... thanks for hearing my thoughts even if they are kind of passing or boring:

struck out for "away" camp early. sneaking off on security. just wanted to feel indiana jones, only no hat and whip. we are on the backs of bodas on the red clay. mars dust in my mouth and on my sunglasses. the clouds scream golden as tho god himself was hiding just behind them (waiting for things to get good). my driver is tried and true. he reminds me of the way jack wrote of deans driving. we sped along... for once i existed beyond flashes, beyond the velvet ropes, beyond noho, beyond 900whatever, beyond the united states of.. beyond the milky way, beyond the solar system- waiting to be tamed just like in the old days...

i have a sense of impending doom

if we do not get out soon.

weve been roadblocked. machetes and spikes. fireflies can fly backwards and forwards, unfortunately for now we cannot. they are screaming at eachother, hate and spit hang on each word. i feel so small and alien. i fear for my life for the first time in a longtime. this is not indiana jones, there is no whip to pull us away- only shillings. today 5,000 of them were traded for my life. i dont want to remember or detail this or take it home with me. i want to pretend it never existed.

the airport in gulu is something of a punchline of a futurist's joke. though the humor would be lost on me. ive come to have a specific distaste for countries formerly colonized by the british if only for their adoration of "proper attire" at war with my own true love of sugar-y peanut butter. its a strange sight to see the poorest of the poor under the hot daggers of the african sun in long collared shirts and pants. at the airport i throw my cares over cultural sensetivity out the window (as i realize i am being sensitive to an anglo understanding of the civilizing of the uncivilized. and so it goes on and on until i cant understand my own head- for its become too hot to think). besides it would be nice to go home with more than just malaria and a farmers tan. so here i lay on the hot ground- dragons on my back, the blue eye sky on my face- shirtless. now realizing just how proper my attire is for the dusty dirt runway and questionable coke can of a prop which will carry us back to kampala. and away from the dirt and smiles and misery and love. there is an overwhelming desire with in each of us to put into words, to feel moved and changed by this trip- and i swear to god we each do in our own way, cameras on or cameras off. joking on the way hemingway lived through two back to back plane crashes in africa as we walk out onto the runway- able to romanticize everything- even a black out or a plane crash, so sad really- i laugh to/at myself. this is the magic of life. my shoes and all of my clothes are covered in a sort of red dirt- and at this point it seems like a better idea to throw them all away, with our cares, and start over rather than rinse them and constantly try to explain their history.

wishing away thoughts. it is in a nightlife minute that i realize i have to get out of this town. it doesnt believe in my love or my words- i want to remember, i want to forget the way i am a sad soul trapped in a happy body. i want to be owned by the simplicity of the midwest again...

life is a canyon and ive been on a cliff. i feel like im just falling in. from the plains of south africa at night. dear constellations please eat me alive- i am mad. the stars are so bright here they look million dollar movie set fake. digest me and turn me bright.

you are a world away truly, i will wait for it to spin around to me.

[ooglywooglies]

i went on a terf blocking spree again

and thinking about the gender separatists things and obviously most of the time terfs just hate trans men, think were gender traitors or misguided (but ultimately cringe lost causes) i barely ever see them talking about trans men so i dont REALLY know. i have to assume some of them dont have any issue being attracted to trans men, or maybe they even want to detrans us and ive just been sitting here wondering where the root of that attraction could possibly come from

im a gay man right im not attracted to women whatsoever that includes all trans women no matter how far they are in their transition, its like, the INKLING of the concept of womanhood is unappealing to me romantically/sexually, but obvs the opposite isnt inherently true for lesbians

obvs masculinity =/= manhood, i know terf lesbians are very pro GNC most of the time (i tried to ask them about their take on trans men being gay while still being masc bc that conflicts with their story about gay trans men just being straight woman gay fetishists imo, like why then would i want a beard and a deep voice if all i cared about was hot yaoiz)

so i guess the presentation doesnt bother them, obviously butch =/= man or even inherently masc, i know its KIND OF a gendery thing but its more about the absence of performed femininity than it is performed masculinity but imo as a trans man masculinity is sort of hard to perform bc its not as well defined as femininity. idk im not a lesbian, even if i wasnt a man i wouldnt be a lesbian so im not gonna say much on that front

so theres gotta be something else that appeals (i know everyone has their own tastes and not everyone is into butches in the first place, obviously) is it specifically the vagina? like the assumption that there must be one is enough to stir a feeling of attraction, what about when there isnt one, is that suddenly an issue?

i asked my non terf cis lesbian friend (shes a babybian) and she was like "yeah i think it would feel like a trans man, being socialized as a girl for most of their life would feel more relatable" and i went on reddit and saw sort of a similar sentiment

but yknow where im going with the problem with this right

its that trans men are aware of their female socialization and develop different kinds of complexes about it in relation to their true gender, ive seen a lot of straight/bi trans men (not saying im exempt - ive just mostly seen this in the context of pursuing women as a trans man) take on toxic masculinity and misogyny in order to assert their newfound position in society. some of them sort of have a feeling of "i went through misogyny but escaped it and now /i/ get to be the misogynist"

its like how abusive family situations happen usually when a parent feels powerless because of an outside situation like their job or their relationship with their own parents. it feels like a reclamation of power (this does also apply to any abusive situation obviously not just family)

and then we come back to

do terfs think that women cannot be misogynistic? women can be abusive (hi my mom is my abuser)

obviously "patriarchy" is the root of misogyny but women are JUST as common perpetrators of misogyny in society as men are, even if its in different (often more subtle) ways - this is more anecdotal but i feel like men are more preoccupied with keeping each other in line via homophobia than they are with keeping women in their place (outside of explicit domestic abuse situations) (not to suggest that those situations have no bearing on society)

i forgot if i made my point or not but i just got distracted and want to finish this post now

ok bye

[kath-artic]

it's so cool how reading that one coherentist essay like 3 years ago changed me completely bc now i operate on the vague belief that 1) a system of beliefs/behaviors validity is measures in how little it contradicts itself 2) most contradictions can be resolved by taking a step back, in order to have two opposite answers they must branch out from a common question 3) futility is a fundamental exercise in humanity, sometimes beauty lives in the faults of the system. so now every time i do or think something that doesnt really fit with the system i put it on trial and ask "is this something i want to keep? is this representative of me? do i change the belief to fit the system or the system to fit the belief? and if i cannot resolve the contradiction, is it something i should accomodate regardless?" and then i start doing dialectics about it.

example:

this recent issue with the guy i was seeing was really bothering me, but it was mostly bothering me because it was bothering me. i had just made a whole big show of rejecting possessiveness and allowing things to naturally flow into their own niches without needing to label them, why am i worried about "what are we" and "why isnt he texting me," especially when me and him had previously discussed our comfort with the idea of drifting in and out of contact? am i perhaps asking these questions in a special way that is somehow not in contradiction to what i believe? or are these thoughts born out of something that is not and should not be me. what i finally landed on was the latter. and then i said "i should take a step back from this, however if he texted me right now asking to hang out i would go, so what constitutes 'stepping back?'" and then i thought about the ways i've structured myself around the archetype of the trickster and thought "is that the facet of myself i should be playing into?" while also reminding myself of my usual comfort in ambiguity. i had already established at that point that thinking of it as a matter of "yes we're still seeing each other" and "no we aren't" didn't serve me and i had also established that that was largely because labels do not serve me, however how am i to understand the principle i'm setting for myself if i do not codify it? the answer there is that my issue with labels lies in my issue with descriptive language, however i have the highest respect for narrative lanaguage because its the most comprehensive. the situation is then best understood as a schrodingers cat situation (which is a metaphor which is narrative). right now we exist in a quantum state. until our relationship or lack there of is observed, it exists in all states at once and is therefore not worth worrying about. once those pieces snapped into place, so much of my anxiety melted right away. currently the contadictions i'm about to start evaluating are those of possession. i believe the desire to possess is the root of so much misfortune and evil and therefore desire only to share in what i am allowed as far as i am allowed when it comes to my dealings with other people. i will be a part of their narrative for as long as i am allowed to be, but i will not possess them. that being said, how then do i reconcile my possessiveness over myself and the ways i'm perceived? i don't like when other people discuss my body or my experiences or my feelings on my behalf. i don't like when they tell me how to act or what to feel or presume to know how valuable something is. i worry that in describing momentary beauty to someone, they will latch on to the fact it was momentary and not see the value in it. i suppose i worry because my narrative is my life once i'm gone and i don't want to be twisted. theres then also the matter of my body. do i possess it? does anyone? i have a preference for fucking people with penises because i like to imagine myself as them, to inhabit ("possess") their body for an instant. is that dispossessive of me? should i even care about the answer or am i asking the wrong question? idk here, but i feel like this breakthrough will be huge for my relationship with my body