#cant escape yourself

[remembertheplunge]

Long Train Running

September 9, 1989. Saturday

Long Train Running.

Will some eyes read this 300 years hence? Or, are all our words and deeds herein destined for my eyes only? 

I picked up a book which reflected a diary kept by a man in1660. He lived through a plague and a revolution. He spoke of spending a little on pleasure now, for, if you wait, you may grow too old to enjoy it. 

Fred Small said today “We, in all our pain, in all that we care about, won’t be remembered in 100 years. I agreed verbally, but, somehow, know it not to be true.

For, every little step is important. As Alan Watts says “A fruit fly born and living a million years ago for a brief time was vital to the balance and to the puzzle of it all.”

We may not be recalled individually. In fact, who cares if we are? We will be long dead. But, the spirit of the effort, of the collective process, will still be living. And, that’s why each present building block is important.

"Time is the only thing that we all have the same amount of, so, it’s important to consider how we spend it.” Quote from ancient woman in ancient evening.

Quote from Graffiti board at Cask and Cleaver Bar “No matter where I go, there I am.”

I mentioned this to Fred Small, who left San Diego at 11pm last night arriving at Riverbank at 10am via bus and Amtrak train. He chuckled . It hit home.  He kept saying today “It doesn’t matter where you go, people and situations are the same.. Just, in the case of San Diego, more of the same. 

And, we had a good day together, book ended by silver trains guided into impatient stops by breathless winds and valley sighs. And, as the train lights moved off to meld into memory and endless track, the closure was loneliness.

He races away from what ails him. He will pass Donald DeCamp in Bakersfield on his way down. Another refugee from the embattled Public Defender’s office.

And, I stood there in the fading light. And I watched until he disappeared. And, I knew it was ok to go home.

End of this part of the entry

Note.

Fred Small and I were Deputy Public Defenders together in Modesto, California. In 1989, there were openings in the San Diego Public Defender’s office and at least two lawyers from our office, including Fred, got hired there. I decided not to apply to work in San Diego. Don De Camp also had been a lawyer in our Modesto office,. He left to become a deputy District Attorney in Bakersfield.

Apparently, Fred Small took the train up from San Diego to Riverbank station which is near Modesto, and returned to San Diego by train the same day. That is what I am describing in the above entry.

Alan Watts was a philosopher and writer who died in 1973

[vigilskeep]

I know you went into this briefly before. But truly. HOW INSANE adding a child into the Isabelamance arranged marriage Hawke.

Is the child expected to inherit? Does it remove potential matches Hawke could have had, potentially making the fiance lower on the social ladder than Hawke?? The implications?? Does Isabela even LIKE the kid??? What if the kid gets seasick. What then. How does no attachments no complications Isabela allow herself to fall in love with THE most attached man in Thedas.

AND THE KID WOULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE AGENCY AND OPINIONS AND AND SHIT IN ACT 3 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAJHHH

making this woman the not-stepmother to a kid growing up in a hightown estate just to feel something

[fiendishartist2]

KEEP GAME CONSOLE RUNNING

[geneticcatalyst]

head in hands on my lunch break: of course helian yi can't escape the narrative. he IS the narrative, he's the main plot. everyone else can go find their own stories except him, he's lost the agency by becoming the story.

[dykealloy]

I'm no one. From nowhere. Belonging to nothing.

[tiercel]

There are some fandoms that for whatever reason house the most obnoxious cheese-grater-on-exposed-nerve types of people and theyre usually neiI gaiman media

[scarlct-vvitch]

oh my fucking god. spiderverse. oh my god. oh god oh fuck. everyone go see it so we can talk about it holy fuck

[ferdydurke]

I say this often but its crazy how much of a vortex depression is.

[ytptennis]

i have to roll back like 3 days worth of gameplay bc mizora was bugged to not visit wyll in camp to discuss the contract & the only way i learned abt this was bc i wanted the wavemother robe without knowing how its indirectly tied to his questline

[claratyler]

Its just so criminal and so tragic and it leaves this hole in your chest that never goes away, that merlin really spent that entire time with arthur closeted and stressed about being found out and having to hide his true nature from the most important person in his life. and when arthur finally knows that merlin does have magic, arthur's left with so many questions and a feeling of betrayal and he doesnt quite know how to trust merlin and thats fricking devastating as it is, bc this revelation is only happening in the show's final moments, and then he dies and he never gets to know merlin as his true self, never gets to discover that magic isn't inherently evil but despite everything in his final moments he still doesn't care that merlin lied, that merlin is this thing that he has always thought of as Bad, because its still merlin and all he says is "just hold me"

[faith--in-the-future]

that Noah guy has annoyed me already lol

[drustvar]

Kurloz whispering into Cronus' mind after he slinks away after trying to fw Mituna "There's gonna come a day when Kankri won't be there for you to hide behind; and motherfucker, when I get my hands on you there won't be a fucking thing you can do. :o)"

[yappacadaver]

in some ways (most ways) the tumblr style baby praise just makes me feel worse abt myself. Like damn do I really be needing some stranger online to pat my ass about how im such a good bean for washing my hands after taking a piss goddamn

[inklingofadream]

Hey guy on nextdoor? Why have you written a post that says "small exotic pet found in [location]. It's obvious he's been well cared for and must be missed by someone. Please help me find the owners. Meantime he is very safe and well."

WHAT PET????? WHAT IS THE SPECIES OF THIS ANIMAL?????

[mejomonster]

One of my favorite anxiety tips i read, was this: if you tend to fear the worst outcome will happen or be very stressed about something (like say going to the grocery store, a party, going to the doctor visit, riding the bus, whatever)

Before you go, take a moment to think out a few things. 1. Think the worst case, that you're possibly fearing, and what you might do if it happened or what consequences it might have. Say you're worried about going to the grocery store. For me, I may be worried worst case they won't have what I need, I'll forget what I need, the cashier tries to talk to me and i royally fuck up what I say, they call me a bitch, maybe I run into an ex at the store who tries to follow me. For me maybe I'd plan to just leave asap if any of those things happen: just go straight home, never go to that specific grocery store again, do my shopping online next time from a different store. Basically I think of what I'm scared of, and what my plan maybe is if it happens.

2. Think of your best case scenario. Really be indulgent, whatever is your personal best case. For me, if I don't want to see anyone, my best case is the grocery store is quite empty and I don't have to look at anyone, everything I need is there and easy to get to AND the Jean jacket I really want is there for sale for like $6 and in my exact size, and maybe when I check out I get complimented on my hair (or the cashier barely notices me). For you, it might be that you get tons of compliments on your cute clothes, everything is cheaper than usual, you meet the love of your life in the baked goods isle and they get your number and ask you on a date, you run into your best friend there and she talks to the cashier for you (if you don't like talking to the cashier), and you get to pet a puppy outside the store (if you like puppies). You can make the best case scenario as awesome as you want it to be. (And honestly you'd be surprised how potentially awesome the actual outing could be... I did my "best case dream scenario" for a vacation I was worried about once and 90% of my unrealistic best case stuff happened).

3. Now think of a realistic case of what will probably happen. Something in between your worst fear and best hopes. For me, for grocery shopping, the realistic case I'd think about would be: I go, some stuff is for sale and somes expensive but I mostly end up spending what I planned, it's a bit busy but no one talks to me because I don't talk to them, if I see anyone who lives around here i dont want to talk to then i just walk away from the area they're in, I get most of what I went for but maybe forget a couple things or they don't have them, I check out and maybe say "have a nice day" to the cashier and feel stupid but I leave and the cashier forgets what I said because they don't know me and see hundreds of people a day. I leave. It's not a super great time but it's not super awful.

When you actually go, the realistic case you thought of is the closest to how it will probably actually go. The realistic case is usually something that can be gotten through. (And if you thought of worst, best, and realistic cases, and the realistic is still "i get physically hurt badly" or "I have a panic attack and have no safe escape and try to kill myself" then it's probably fair to just Not Do it even if people are pressuring you to).

If something worse happens, you might already have a plan for it (my plan is to leave immediately if something I really dislike happens and pick a different grocery store in town in the future), if something better happens (like if you love puppies and get to pet one) then maybe scary outing had some parts you enjoyed.

This doesn't work for everything. It's helped me with some everyday situations though.

[blazevillains]

im gonna chew through plywood