#cant rlly get diagnosed and i dont think i can for a long time but hey! im managing so far! i think ill be ok

[aria0fgold]

For awhile now I've been wondering whether I had Some form of OCD or not after seeing posts about it and I'm like: "How can you even tell if it's anxiety or ocd-- Oh, a professional can. " Well then I'll just continue to sleep peacefully with my possibly many undiagnosed problems.

[cluelylikesporn]

okay exam update cuz im actually really pissed off.

so im autistic + adhd, and only been diagnosed relatively recently, so i havent really been getting assistance until now. (autism diagnosis last year, adhd 2 years ago.)

my last exam was (still is) this period, and im going home once i finish it. one of my other exams i was sent to special ed (it’s called different things in australia and other schools but i dont wanna get doxxed) and the chick helping me (we’ll call her charlie) told me she couldnt even read the questions out to me… like i legit get more help in my normal exam conditions.

she told me WHILE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK “i think i know why your so upset, because you know you dont listen in class and just sleep and draw on your hand.” cunt, what..?

HOW ARE YOU WORKING WITH NEURODIVERGENT KIDS..?

i literally have spent my whole life wondering why i cant listen in class and hearing “just reread it.” or “your not listening hard enough.” is so fucking tiring. maybe explain it? she refused to help me because i “wasnt approved” to have a helper

the school knows im autistic so why do i have to be approved to get the help i need? like you dont have to make up all these forms and files. you have teachers who can help me literally in the building who could help me but you refuse.

okok i got rlly off topic but tldr on what happened today:

my teacher sent me to the special ed area to do my exam (last time he did they told me to go back) also shout out to my english teacher hes a legend. he gave me my sheet, i took a ritalin, said bye to the people i liked and left. (i used to take ritalin daily but now i jst take it to focus better in exams and shit)

i went to se and saw a couple kids i knew. one i hated and didnt know why he was there, one who has some mental problems so i understood why he was there. hes a sweetie. and some chick i knew who broke her wrist and had to write on a laptop.

so one by one they were assigned a teacher who would sit with them and help them/ read out questions and then the lady said “oh chloe your not supposed to be here, you have to go back to class.”

are you fucking kidding me.

i completely understand its not her or my teachers fault im not meant to be there, but im allowed to be a little frustrated. i asked why i kept getting sent here and why i couldn’t get help.

same shit about documents and boring stuff.

keep in mind i get ndis funding so i thought that would impact my education experience but nope, literally nothing. i also understand there could be things my mum hasnt done and that’s completely ok she has her own life, but also THE SCHOOL KNOWS IM AUTISTIC. that should be enough. its like i only get the help if i start ditching class and become an eshay or some shit like i shouldnt have to become a troubled kid to get help.

so the lady said my only benefit i even got from the school is like 5 minutes extra time. and she told me i could either go back to class or do my exam here( which means i could get no help/ questions read to me.)

ngl this was dumb of me but i said ok bc i didnt want to go back to class after saying bye to everyone😭

so i sat there with one airpod in, a pen that didnt fucking work, the only help i could get was eavesdropping on what the assistant teachers were saying but they were so quiet. i did manage to write some stuff but it was pretty fucking stressful. i couldnt stop thinking about what charlie said (the lady helping me with my maths the week before.)

this may sound super dumb but i saw a crow fly onto a table outside and i felt like it was watching over me. like it was looking right at me. it made me feel a bit better and i got some work done.

it wouldve been fine if those fucking assistant teachers didnt keep giving me pitiful looks like bro. i know im fucked.

anyway i finished my exam (barely) and went to the bathroom to tell my friend ab what happened, caught a bus home and am about to play dbd 😾

sorry for the long post im jst so pissed😭 but ily guys and ill post i swear🙏

song of the day:

[bear-momma]

hi do u have any tips on making friends? ive been trying so hard but i cant make any. idk if its cause im off putting or ugly or both but im rlly isolated and i feel like i wont ever progress

im not the best at keeping conversations or making them and i have terrible anxiety but i do try

im in the process of getting diagnosed for autism but im already diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder and ik that affects stuff so maybe thats why? or im just unlikeable in general

im only 16 and i dont go to public school anymore cause of the things that happened but i barely had friends there either

ive tried irl and online so i think im just gonna give up now and wait

i just hate never talking to anyone or having nobody to talk to or confide in

im always alone in my room bored waiting on something to happen. i barely talk now (not like i ever did in the first place) but i talk even less like im mute

i lack a lot of things like social skills and cues ive always been called dumb or slow and when i was in a not so good relationship thing w someone he would degrade me and tell me i wouldnt ever make it without him and im afraid thats true

i just dk what to do

anyway im srry if i broke a boundary or if im not allowed on ur page cause of my age and for the vent and talking a lot

let me know and i’ll get off

You will never have to apologize for venting, and my page is open to everyone who isn't on my DNI, so you're okay 💛

I can imagine you feel very isolated, and my heart goes out to you. You are in no way unlikable, nor are you unlovable. Being different does not make you bad. Making connections can be especially difficult when we've had bad experiences in the past. Sometimes we just have to find our people, which is much easier said than done.

Do you have access to a therapist? Or a counselor? I would love to give you advice, but I worry an internet blog won't be able to accurately help you over a long period of time :(

Either way, I'm sending you so much strength. Things will get better, and I know that seems impossible right now, but you have my promise 💛

[whoreishghost]

i really am despairing and just hopeless in a way that i genuinely dont think ive been before and its rlly fucking with me. like, by all acounts, i am More supported than i have been before, and thats almost part of the problem? i feel ungrateful for feeling So Bad. i don't do Anything, i dont attend uni, i dont write my essays, i dont have a job, i dont clean my flat, i dont rlly cook a lot. of the things that Have to happen so we can continue to live in this flat, or i can continue to access medical services so my life doesnt get worse: those things are often put off way past the last minute and i need a lot of support to do at all. also, rn my life is mostly just calling A Service TM, getting a bullshit response, complaining, calling again, finally getting through to someone who knows whats going on, complaining, rinse repeat. ITS EXHAUSTING! not only that but sitting every day in bed or at my desk refreshing tumblr or staring at my screen saver thinking to myself 'what am i going to do?' and coming to the conclusion of nothing because i have nothing to do, i enjoy nothing, i want nothing, i cant concentrate long enough on anything or process information well enough to do things Anyway. ykw its not even true i dont Want to do anything. i do. i Want to write my essays, on some level i am genuinely interested in the topics. i just Cant. i want to read. i've been pretty keen on reading complaint by sarah ahmed for a while now or maybe rereading whipping girl or even giving notes on suicide another go? but i cant make myself start because i Know that i wont get far and its so fucking depressing. im getting so high, the come down is genuinely distressing because of how scrambled and disorganised my brain becomes and i become so afraid i will be like that forever. and yet i do it EVERY DAY! im struggling extremely badly with some interpersonal shit that has completely destroyed any self esteem or confidence i had in my appearance and my worth. add onto that that i am a massive Massive financial drain and even if i wasnt our finances are just.. Bad? so i was like, ok, fssw time again, that wont be too bad, i can do that. and then i fucking set up by whore phone and downloaded the grindr apk (and it was fucking horrible and evil to do and i hate that evil horrible useless phone) (also did u know u need to send in id for age verification on google now? 101 internet safety says to not do that are u crazy?) and started getting dms and i wanted to cry i got so overwhelmed. like idk if i can do it, but like.. i kinda gotta? idk man. im trying to see things positively? like, i got the form for the work capability assessment and spent all of yesterday photocopying medical letters which detail diagnoses and assessments and reference hospitilisations, etc but also the dwp are evil so who knows if its enough? im trying to get my pip reevaluated but they havent even sent me the Form for that yet? so again! who! knows! i feel like im in beurocracy hell and i cant leave? my uni are trying to work with me, but multuple medical professionals have told me to interrupt or drop out and like if people who are meant to be like have something in your life to keep you going dont think i can do it, what chance do i have of Actually doing it? i dont know what to do anymore.

[bridgesoverrivers]

hi matt.. or mace.. idk what u want to be called rn or how long itll last but this is just for u to look back on because u dont know how to discuss ur actual feelings so u turn to the void, yet again

instagram is so depressing and so is just about every social media ive cycled through at this point.

ive made several break throughs within my layers of thoughts and also thought loops that i dont know how to quite get out of .. that being said i have made an amazing progress on realising that ive successfully lived alone for 6 months despite dramas with friends, family, friends again, along side mental health and health ontop of it all. living in my apartment can be so depressing sometimes.. its so quiet idk what to do with myself but ive gotten the hang of just doing stuff to stay busy without it becoming excessive or compulsive and it’s really nice tbh.

i need to spend more time writing so that i can actually manage to write an essay to cater for my autistic ass which im so confused about because my cognitive function has significantly reduced and i kinds feel like im in the awkward lost period again; where i cant show affection or think actual thoughts and im just talking random shit 24/7 to fill some void or something.

I got a rat 2 days ago (7/1/21.. ironic lol) , his name is Seven and hes about 6-8 weeks old and hes a total sweetheart so far!! hes very friendly and is starting to enjoy pats and company more and more every time we hang out. he likes my big hoodie that i converted into a slipknot hoodie which i am yet to sew so i can wash it n shit.

I have so many art project ideas im yet to fulfill like making music with chloe, drawing on a bunch of clothes i wanna diy and make cool with black and white patches n shit, make a tattoo flash so i can finally fucking start doing cool things but i keep on procrastinating buying needles/ink/stencils for like what the past 4 years

um my allergies or whatever the fuck it is gets so weird like im literally kinda fucking confused but i need to see an allergist which ive also procrastinated for 2 years.. i might have fucky lymphnodes or some shit to explain why my body hates everything i eat mayhaps but like ummmmmmmmm also got diagnosed with bipolar 2 which im like what noo im fineee but also like bro yeah legit spot on lmfao cause i get real fucking caught up in my thought loops and social habits i dont even realise that “self awareness” is probably the most nonchalant i am cause im probably like kinda manic and my brains just doing some stanky leg spiel shit where im on such a high from it i dont realise its just the bigger picture of it and im not addressing problems or knowing they exist.

but hey, while im in the neutral state or just one of the inbetweens where im still just me and im just vibin and i can be conscious of feelings/actions/environment  and i just get really adhd and super lost in time instead is p good.

i finally feel like my interests are back or a will to have any because god i exist for everything i used to be but that doesnt rlly exist anymore and in 2020 i became a bit of a shell but like 1 step at a time i can get back into it like bruh watching shows or movies wasnt on the agenda for like 2 years thats so friggin long but its finally over and im really looking forward to creating so many cool great things as i grow up and into what really is starting to feel like adulthood;;;; even if everything i fucking do becomes more and more apparent that my brain is abit special and i dont understand alot of shit or do anything abt shit but it is so gucci i am simply travelling through time trying to understand my individuality and perpetual ^   this    ^ shits kinda inevitable but i just have to literally fuckn live love laugh cause fuck u and ur mum lol

i hope one day when u read this u find this as good reflection and u get the hang of some things that seem so far away and out of reach.. youll get there whatever that vision is man :) <3

[fagpulp]

Extensive list of questions

Tagged by - @somethingscarlet13

gender - Nonbinary atm (May be Trans Boy???)

sexuality - pansexual

name - Morty

age - 19

where do you live - Mississippi

still living at home - yes

in a relationship - yes

can you drive - yes

been in a relationship - yes

had sex - yes

given/received oral - no and dont rlly want to

how tall are you - 5′4

weight - Big

body type - stocky? 

skin colour - white

race - white

where were you born - MS

finished school - high school only

got a job - Movie theatre

had a job - yes

looking for a job - yes (looking for a better one)

dream career - Storyboarder

want to travel - yeah

last thing you ate - Fish sticks and fries

what are you wearing - cute ass dog boxers

favourite tv show - In The Flesh or Ajin

favourite movie - Zootopia

last place you visited - Town

have kids - no

want kids - fuck no

have pets - yeah

know who your parents are - yes

have siblings - yes

marvel or dc - not big into heroes

favourite villain - u h

favourite hero - u  h

what console for gaming do you prefer - Xbox

been out clubbing yet - no

smoke on a regular basis - no

have smoked - yes

done drugs other than weed - no

smoked weed - no

gotten drunk - no

vomited - no

passed out - no

stayed up more than one night - yes

traveled within your own country - yes

travelled overseas - no

best memory - Cant remember shit

worst memory - uuuuuh

lost someone you held dearly - yes

been to a funeral - yes

attending university or college - I did. not anymore

living by yourself - no

opinion on feminism - everyone should be one!

opinion of fedoras - no

my little pony fan - yeah. respect it and used to watch it

anime fan - yes

western comic books fan - yeah

what type of plants do you like the most - Succulents

what age gap are you okay with - Over 18 then the rest is up to them

whats your favourite season - Spring

star sign - Pisces

hurt yourself on purpose - yes

favourite band - Nsp

play an instrument - no

how long have you been on tumblr - idk

how many blogs do you have - 2

watch porn - yes

masturbate - yes

watch kids cartoons - yes

like your name - yes

been in a car crash - yeah

broken a bone - no

been to hospital - yes

had teeth out - yes

had appendix out - no

mental disorders - yes

been diagnosed - yes

had homicidal thoughts - no. more suicidal.

are you a godparent - no

how many siblings if any - 3

favourite drink - Anything caffeinated 

favourite restaurant - anywhere we go

cats or dogs - cats

favourite word - goddamn

introvert or extrovert - introvert

opinion on gay rights - Am gay

ever had gay sex - yeah

want to have gay sex - yes

been to a gay bar - no

been forced into sex - no

forced another person into sex - no

been catcalled - no

eye colour - brown

kfc, mcdonalds, burger king, subway, dominos, nandos, or wendys - dominos

had sex to get something - no

been out of the country more than once - no

what kinds of grades do you get - had bad grades

good relationships with classmates - no

least favourite movie - the Boss Baby

nickleback?????? - no

favourite game - JaknDaxter

favourite colour - Pink

bdsm - no

have free tv or pay for tv - free

tattoos - no

want tattoos - yes

give money to charities - if i had money i would

facial hair - no but i want it

cartoon scoobydoo or liveaction scoobydoo - cartoon

opinion on drugs - helps me idk

religion - Atheist

favourite meme - mmm whatcha say

favourite shrek movie - number 2 is the only good shrek movie

many friends or a few best friends - like 4 best friends/ friends

lower class, middle class or upperclass - middle to lower 

how would you like to die - Anything quick

ever tried to commit suicide - no but was close

shave - yes

prefer your sexual partner to shave down there or - i dont rlly care

any piercings - used to be on my ears

been on a cruise - no

favourite disney movie - Zootopia or Lilo and stich

gotten drunk by yourself - no

favourite scary movie - the borderlands

failed a class on purpose - sorta

gotten in a physical fight  - yeah

gotten in a verbal fight - yeah

run away from home for more than a week - no

are your parents still together - yeah (also no cause my original dad is rlly fuckin dead yo

perfect place to live - a cheap place w others

if you could meet one person from history who would it be -  Atticus actor from How To Kill a Mockingbird

favourite starter pokemon type - whichever looks the nicest. so far water

been in a moshpit - no

done something illegal - yes

been to jail - no

bought illicit substances - no

would have a threesome - no 

listening to music, if so what - Evelyn,Evelyn

are you in a band - no

any friends in a band - no

go to the gym - no

console games or arcade video games - both r cool

hot or cold - hot

current emotional state - Calm

have scars - yes

if you could be an animal what would it be - dragon

what kind of animal do you think you most relate to - cat

if you could live forever would you - Probably not

is global warming real - yeah

best subject - English

worst personal quality - Will sometimes suddenly go completely blank

if you had one wish what would it be - Great Artist w a good job

if you received 1,000,000 $$ what would you do with it - Donate to a bunch of patreons and buy some good shit

the regular show or adventure time - Adventure time

worst fear - being abandoned (I.dont even have to retype some o these)

favourite sport - Cant get into sport

like to go to the beach - no

prefer to listen or have people listen to you - Both r nice

were you the ‘horse kid’ in primary school - no

most memorable show from your childhood - Ed Edd Eddy

good relationship with your parents - eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh

on a diet - no

last book read - man idk

are you a jealous person - Depends

have anything your really proud of - i animated 

who do you love - Jasper

had your heart broken - not rlly

broken someone else’s heart - i don’t know 

like frozen - no

preferred gender - mmmm have flesh

want to get married - yes

want to settle down eventually or travel your life - Settle down

have nice voice - dont think so

find swearing offensive - no

think tattoos are unprofessional - no

tend to procrastinate a lot - yeah

halloween or christmas - i mean theyre both okay

if you could live in another universe (show/movie/comic/etc) what would it be - ATLA

believe in the supernatural - yes

weed or alcohol - idk

messy or clean - organized chaos

big night out or a cute night in - depends who im with

best joke - jokes that dont even seem like jokes

met a celebrity - no

every prank called someone - yes

have a set of keys - car keys

have a bank account - no

okay with all things gory - sorta

more into the commercial music or undiscovered music - both

met a band - no

good at math - no

tried to pick up someone before - no

had someone try to pick you up before - yes

opinions on other kin - live however u want love u

answered all of this truthfully? - yeah i think

[painhaver]

hey um, im sorry if this is weird. and if it is u don't have to reply. but i think im starting to realize i might have been experiencing psychosis for years. do you have any advice for someone who wants to seek help but doesn't know how?

im glad u feel comfortable reaching out to me lol ill def give u any advice that i can, disclaimer that im only speaking from my own experiences n also i live in the US so idk if yr medical system differs from mine

• in my experience w doctors in general, not just when seeking help for psychosis, it's a generally good idea to not only describe yr symptoms but also tell them specifically How theyre affecting u in yr day to day life. example: "i think im experiencing hallucinations, my hallucinations make it difficult for me to focus on everyday tasks n cause me anxiety that further limits my ability to do [insert task here]"

• b aware too that if u tell yr doc/psychiatrist that yr experiencing psychosis theyre likely gnna want to put u on antipsychotic medication. antipsychotics can have some weird side effects n every med is different, if u try one n it doesnt work for u or has side effects that worsen other symptoms/that u generally just dont like, tell yr doctor RIGHT AWAY. common side effects of antipsychotics r weight gain [n sometimes weight loss], dry mouth, drowsiness/sedation, and dizziness. in some cases u might also get tremors but if u do u shld def tell yr doctor right away. also know that u have the right to refuse any medication, yr doctor cannot force u to take anything u dont want to take n if they try to, find a new doctor n consider reporting them if u believe they cld b dangerous to other psychotic patients

• before speaking to yr doctor, write down yr symptoms. it doesnt have to b a clinical thing, esp cuz logging psychotic symptoms can b difficult [i often dont realize im having a delusional episode until after i break out of a delusion, n it can b hard to distinguish some hallucinations from reality]. if it's easier for u i suggest keeping a journal that u write in every day regardless of if u think yr having psychotic symptoms that day or not, just write down yr thoughts n maybe some things that youve seen/heard/experienced that day. u can go back later n might b able to pinpoint which days were heavy psychosis days n which ones werent. try journaling at different times of day too, psychosis can get worse at different times of day for different ppl. track yr moods too, psychosis can b caused by many different disorders, from bipolar to schizospec disorders to some personality disorders, even things like depression or ptsd can cause acute psychotic symptoms. many of these diagnoses r also dependant on a knowledge of yr mood symptoms as well so it's important to keep track of them as much as u can

• b as honest as u can w both yrself n yr doctor. tell them truthfully what yr symptoms r n how theyre affecting u n what u think yr treatment plan shld b. consider reaching out to close friends n trusted adults [if yr a minor] n tell them abt yr symptoms as much as yr comfortable doing so, let them know how they can help u if yr experiencing psychosis around them n ask for frequent reality checks if yr having difficulty distinguishing reality from psychosis. remember that there r ppl in yr life who love n care abt u, n u shld allow them to help u

• on a somewhat scary note [but it has to b said] b wary of ppl who u think might reject u bcuz of yr psychosis. im sad to say that ableism against psychotic ppl is v real n can b scary to experience. being psychotic can b isolating sometimes, esp when u experience lesser known symptoms such as disorganized thinking/speech. b wary of doctors who try to pressure u into treatments that yr unsure of or that r having negative effects on yr physical or mental health. remember that yr the patient n yr word is g-d, if u want a treatment to stop or if u think that u rnt being listened to, stand yr ground. speak up. report yr doctor for malpractice if u think it's necessary. in that same vein, b open-minded n willing to accept treatments, even on a trial basis. just keep in mind that u have the right to revoke yr medical consent at any time

srry that this post got rlly rlly long lmao but i hope it helps, feel free to shoot me another ask or dm me if u have any other questions ❤️ once again this is based on my own experiences so take it w a grain of salt but i think a good place for u to start wld b symptom tracking at the v least even if u cant/rnt ready to tell a doctor yet [though i encourage u to seek treatment]. stay safe out there :-)