#captain plotdevice

[promisingthings]

melissa schemmenti going exclusive w captain robinson MAY have been ooc but i think there is still a way they can make it in character amd flesh out melissa even more bc of it!!!! if the writers make their relationship go south we can not only see that melissa acts on jealousy far more than she wants to admit / appears on the surface AND we can also make it more clear that melissa WANTS to be special to people (again tough exterior, soft interior trope would be beautiful in a character like her) we see her need to be special in her interactions with family. these people insult her constantly and every interaction we see with them she seems close to miserable safe for her small interactions with kristen marie but she stays and tries to prove herself bc she wants to be seen as superior and INTERESTING, she stopped going to her hair dresser after he called her by the wrong name, she feels a need to show people up, be better, more flashy to them as seen in s1 e2 when she mentions looking better than her cousin at dinner. theres a high chance to make her character way more fleshed out and being able to fix the previous betrayal of having her in a srs and commited relationship. i do think some of her need for uniqueness and people ... needing her is definitely opportunistic and if the writers include that too (if they go through with an idea similsr to this) i might actually pass out.

[kanohivolitakk]

super mario for the ask game 👀

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most):

Ok curretly it's Zokket but ignoring him becaue of recensy bias I will say either King Boo, Bowser or Kamek for mainline/regular Mario cast, Count Bleck, Antasma and Jonathan "J" Jones for RPGs and K Rool + Captain Syrup for sister/subfranchises.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped):

I try to avoid Brothership characters because they're a bit too recent but if I don't say Connie then I'm a liar. If we go outside Brothership then probably either Luigi or Bowser Jr. Is that basic ass bitch answer? Maybe but I digres.

Also Drybones for some reason, IDK I just find them very adorable.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

Antasma deserved to be more than Bowser wank plotdevice, in this essay I-

Also Cortetz. He is super cool and it sucks people don't give him much attention :C. Easily my favorite character from TTYD.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

Wanda the Fairy is my daughter who I will die for even if she literally was in one dumb game from the early 90s.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

ZOKKET. Easily the coolest Mario RPG villain we have had in years yet he doesn't get the love he deserves, instead being overshadowed by both of the major spoiler characters conneced to him. But god I love him so much. Just he fits my taste of "destructive sad JRPG men" nearly perfectly yet ahahaha. Just perfect poor little meow meow.

Also King Boo, Bleck and Antasma because they were my villain blorbos for the longest time before Zokket fucked up my brainchemistry. Tho tbf I feel the best answer would be Grodus, guys highkey underrated and I find him to be pretty neat.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

I live for writing/creating Zokket angst does that count?

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

Dimentio. I love him (probably my favorite Mario RPG villain or at least up there) but he deserves it.

[soyouareandrewdobson]

Alex ze Pirate Mini Review 4: The EED: Emotional Exposition Dump. Or why THIS is not friendship

So here we are. The last part of this 45 page three parter, meant to be about what Sam really means to the crew. And what have we seen so far in the previous parts? That Sam is not just their underappreciated, but downright exploited slave (yeah, did you know that in ancient Greece slaves supposedly had more rights than Sam in this one? At least they could buy out their freedom one day), that Dobson has no idea how to genuinely pace a story, turning what could have been a decent 100 page story if planned out and presented with more care into a 45 page short snore fest and that Hat Andy’s idea for jokes are either based on abusing token buttmonkeys, turning annoying memes into even more unfunny jokes or making dark comedy with dead orphans.

At least when South Park makes jokes about children dying, they are appropriate in that dark setting and the death is still in some way handled or refered to as a horrific event. In Dobson’s case however, it just leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

Sorry, I just can’t get over the orphanage thing. If Dobson wanted the reason for Sam leaving be that he finds out someone he cared about from his old life is dead, that is one thing. But did this asshole have to destroy an entire building with countless victims to do it? Couldn’t he just have one person die and the rest be still at that place? Honestly, I think it would have been funnier and more meaningful emotionally, if Alex and Co actually interacted with people from Sam’s past and in doing so learn more about him as a person, by genuinely visiting a still standing orphanage. Give the comic some meat on the bones and in doing so actually create the impression this comic is truly about Sam and not just about characters doing random stuff in relation to finding him. Instead Dobson goes for a literal overkill, which he then does not even treat as a tragedy but as a joke.

Dobson, THIS is a better and more dignified joke about orphans than the shit you did.

You got outclassed by Chuck Lorree of all people on this planet, you disgrace of a storyteller. A storyteller who can’t even keep his own barely existing continuity in the Alex-verse straight, now that I think of it. After all, according to Legends, the orphanage was closed and all the orphans were sold out to others, with Sam being the last of the litter

Which again is just unintentionally more horrific than Dobson likely intented. But you know, dumb people don’t know when they do dumb shit.

But I digress Let us just get into the last part. In which we finally see the “emotional” pay off of everything that happened so far.

 Spoilers, this is my reaction to that pay off.

And here is what everything led up to now.

 Sam ran away, because he wants to say his final farewell to his sister figure, we never knew about at all and about whom we do not learn one single thing really.

 Where do I begin with how this revelation fails?

Let’s start with the fact that this in execution does not have the emotional impact that was intended. And why is that? Because Dobson doesn’t bother to actually introduce us to the sister as a character.

If I may digress a bit to talk about One Piece here: In the manga, oftentimes Oda will “interrupt” an ongoing story arc to feature flashback chapters, through which he tells about past events referenced in the “present” chapters prior. Through those flashbacks he further gives meaning to why in present time the characters facing certain foes or having to win in their current situation, is so important, even on an emotional level. In short, those flashbacks are no interruptions, they are integral in giving those story arcs emotional weight.

Because now we are not just “told” why we should care about things and people, we have been shown why we should care. The old rule of “show, don’t tell” being followed on.

A good example from a more “recent” storyline I can think of, is through the flashback chapters of the Dress Rosa story arc, where we are not only being shown how De Flamingo took over the kingdom of Dress Rosa and brought pain and misery over its people for years to come, but also the past of characters such as the gladiator Rebecca and Mr. Soldier, her father figure that raised her up from the time she was 10 and De Flamingo took over… only for the flashbacks to also reveal properly how Mr Soldier is not just a father figure for her that took her in, but her biological father Kyros, who had been turned into a toy by one of De Flamingo’s henchmen via a power, that also took Rebecca’s memories of her dad away so she never identified the toy as her dad.

This way Oda achieves multiple things at once; Among other things, he establishes how evil De Flamingo is, how tragic Mr Soldier and Rebecca’s lives really are, adding to us the readers wanting to see them and Luffy beat De Flamingo into a pulp and it makes the later “present day” moment when Mr. Soldier and many other victims turn back to normal and Rebecca regains her memories and is reunited with her dad so much more sweeter. Cause now we care.

Truth be told, I myself believe that Oda is one of few storytellers on this planet, who truly has “mastered” the technique of emotional flashback storytelling.

A technique Dobson could have used in this part of the story, but didn’t. Cause honestly, the way he tells how Sam’s sister was “important” to our poor cabin boy is not emotionally engaging from a storytelling perspective. We are told she is important, but we learn genuinely nothing about her, not even what her name was and what she looked like except from that one picture in the locket from over 15 pages ago. Nothing about how “close” she and Sam truly were is revealed through showing, only telling and as such we don’t even begin to care for her relationship with Sam and how her loss is genuinely important to him. So the main goal of this story, to make us the readers feel something for Sam aside of pity for how he is treated by his supposed friends, has not been achieved.

 … Dobson, you are a hack. You can’t even use flashbacks, a basic technique in the realm of storytelling, to show us why we should “care” more, heck, even at all, about Sam and his loss.

If you just had adjusted a few things, you could have had something good here.

By adjustments I mean the following: Take the first page of this chapter as well as the first panel of the second page, and combine them into the final page of the previous chapter. In doing so creating a proper cliffhanger for part two. Then start chapter 3 of with a few pages (lets say 6 or so) showing young Sam and his sister interacting in the orphanage in doing so turning her from a nameless plotdevice into a genuine person to care about. And then use content of page 2 and 3 of this chapter, to elaborate on their relationship, potentially with small cuts always between present day Sam at the grave explaining himself and saying his farewells, with pictures of the past showing what they meant to each other.

 But nope. This very basic idea a fanfic writer now has come up with, a fanfic writer who never studied literature or took writing classes by the way, something I doubt you did at college the more I read your work, has never crossed your “superior” mind.

Also, I find Sam’s text on page 3 really, really backwards in a way. Like, I get that we are meant to consider it a good thing Sam is this way. You know, being genuinely selfless and wanting to make others happy. And don’t get me wrong, generosity and selflessness are virtues I hold in high regard. But the way Sam talks about how he just wanted her to be happy while sacrificing any fulfillment of basic needs for himself feels more like a pathological disorder in that case than something to reach for. In fact, psychology speaks from different forms of generosity and the thing Sam describes here is likely “compulsive giving” or “unrelenting generosity”, a pathological variant that can be highly toxic for all people affected by it.

Funny how Dobson, a person who wants to claim he is all for mental healthcare, is essentially “promoting” the positivity of a psychological disorder via Sam.

 Then again, this also feels more like Dobson putting words into Sam’s mouth (in a literal sense) to retroactively make Sam’s treatment look less horrid. Cause now Sam doesn’t just do all the work because he is ordered around, he deep down is “happy” doing all of the work and gain not even some basic respect in return, because he cares so deeply for his friends.

… I feel myself get livid again here.

And the next few pages don’t really help me “calm down”.

 Cause now the “justifications” just go on. The thing that is meant to be a heartfelt farewell turning into Sam “justifying” that hey, it must be good that he ended up with Alex and her crew. Cause after all, by being abducted years ago and being treated as a slave who in the ginger’s eyes is worth less than lint, he likely avoided dying of shitting his pants and a crushing roof. Ignoring the fact that he was going to be sold out anyway back then and would have potentially ended up with a more generous master than the crew of non Captain Syrup.

Also, just all of the shit going on in page 6. Sam asking his “sister” to be at peace, when likely, if the girl could still talk, she may even just ask Sam the following: Who the heck are you. Cause really, if you think about it, if Sam did all the nice things for her in secret, did the girl even realize she had a “big brother” figure to watch over her? Also, him saying he is happy and he is doing quite alright for himself?

All the pictures of him sighing and looking in misery in this story alone, plus the cavalry of strips I posted about how Sam is abused in the first part of this post series tells me another story.

Finally, Sam’s message “At least now, we are both free”? Sam, she is dead, likely having died in pain when a house crushed on her, weakened by a deadly disease and traumatized by other children around her dying of said disease. And you are stuck with a bunch of people that haven’t shown to care for you up until this story and the only reason they may even care for you now is out of “sympathy” because you lost your sister figure, not because they genuinely love and care for you as a person. As far as I am concerned, you would be better off being the slaveboy of some nymphomanic pirate princess in the world of Berserk than you are on this plane of existence.

And now that the “emotional” farewell is out of the way, Dobson can go back to focus on the characters he really cares about in this shit anyway: Little Bitch Annie, lesbian chocolate rain Miroku and Deadpool’s pubes.

 Oh Alex, you are such a rascal. You really make me want to shoot you with a crossbow, stab you in the eye, hurl you out a window and shove explosives where the sun won’t shine.

Yeah yeah, you are a pirate, but that doesn’t mean you need to be that awful as a person or even protagonist.

Christ. For someone who complains how toxic Walter White is to the point he believes “sympathizing” with the character turns you into a nazi, Dobson certainly is blind to how awful Alex really is, particularly as protagonist in a comic series intented for little kids. Compared to her, I can think of freaking slasher movie villains with more of a moral compass. Like say what you want about Jigsaw, at least he never victimized genuine children or teenagers.

And Talus, thanks for ruining the “emotional” moment Sam “earned” by pointing out how weird it is he kissed a gravestone. Also, I am glad I know what happens in the next pages or else I would assume Alex’s great idea includes to dig up his sister and turn her into a life sized doll for Sam to cuddle.

No, their ideas to assure he is emotionally save and to redeem themselves for years of taking him for granted/hurting him, is to throw him a surprise party.

… you know, I think you may be the only individuals in fiction, that Pinkie Pie would think do not deserve to throw a party or get one thrown for.

 But I guess Sam is just so nice, he even throws you a party for no apparent reason.

Either that or now that his “sister” is dead he will overcompensate even more and this is the next destructive stage of his compulsive generosity.

… Sam, I am sorry for your loss. But you need to get help. Once by the authorities who will hopefully get rid of Alex and then by some psychologist who helps you redefine your own self worth.

By the way, I find it funny that the banner he made also actually only mentions Talus, Atea and Captain Daphne with a bad hair day. It just confirms that Peggy either never bothered to join the others or that Dobson developed an early onset of dementia and totally forgot about the fact that the midget is a genuine character in this trainwrack. And I am convinced the later is the case, which really just makes me wonder how someone is able to do that. To forget a major character of the thing they create and want to turn into a money making franchise. Imagine if Disney did e.g. a sequel to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, only to forget about the god damn dwarves themselves.

At least Talus finally realizes he is unworthy to get a party thrown or be Sam’s friends. Good. Now jump into a wood chipper and free ourselves from your existence you dog beaver thing.

Content of the next page in a just alternate universe… Alex: You are a better human being than I could ever be and this is all because my creator is a hack who does not know how to create genuinely likable personalities.

The reality:

 FUCK YOU, ALEX! FUCK YOU AND THE BIKE PUMP YOU FLEW IN ON! Atea and Talus have learnt more than you about what it means to be a friend and they don’t even bother to punch you in the face for still being the biggest red haired  raging cunt since Asuka from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

If this is how Dobson thinks “friends” should treat each other, it is no wonder he has a friendless background. Hey, Hat Andy, if you want to emulate manga, may I suggest you just become even more blatantly about it and simply copy paste One Piece? Cause Luffy at least knows how to be a friend. How much does he care for his friends, strangers and even at times former enemies of his?

He cares so much, that e.g. when a special military force that beat the crap out of him got hands on his crewmate Nico Robin, he did THIS:

He declared war on the world government. Fuck, even Jack Sparrow, who is an opportunistic jackass, in a movie where everyone stabs the others at least three times in the back, was less selffish than Alex, when he gave up his chance on immortality as Captain of the Flying Dutchman, just so Will would live in some form.

Metalbeard from the Lego Movie cared more about doing the right thing than anyone in Alex the pirate did. You created the worst friends and “heroes” I have ever seen in a webcomic since the entirety of sinfest. Congratulations for that accomplishment, Dobson. It really takes a special kind of anti-talent to show such level of not understanding the power of friendship as one of the most basic tropes in storytelling, to the point a show about pastel colored equines managed to profit of it for nine years.

 WOOOOO! We are the worst, we are the worst!

And look, Uncle Pennywise’s scrotum is back.

Anyway, here are the last two pages of this thing, to end on what is meant to be a whimsical note because Sam actually gets something from Alex that is not a beating or verbal abuse.

 Too bad anything that would feel heartwarming about this is drowned by a) me actually remembering all the shit Alex, the crew and the writer pull to get to this point (from abusive neglect of the characters to pathetic emotional manipulation on a narrative level) and b) the weird rapey face Uncle Peggy makes in the picture. Like Jesus, did Dobson try to emulate the Burger King here?

But hey, this story is over. And who knows, perhaps from this moment on, Sam will actually be treated better overall in the comic and Dobson will spend time actually developing an overall plot and the world of this com-

Tom Kenny: ONE COMIC STRIP LATER

And it is back to business as usual.

... How much would I need to pay for someone on the internet to write an alternate ending to the story where it turns out Sam actually poisoned the food at the party and while Alex is slowly dying, a now evil Sam who has finally broke under years of abuse, is going to become a genuine threatening pirat? that is after he villain monologues to Alex how much she sucks before scalping her?

Wow, I am entering a dark place right now. I think I need to take a break.

So I am going to give my final verdict on this story with the next post around the weekend most likely. Cause that is how much time I will now spend rereading One Piece and watching the Pirates of the Carribean movies in addition to playing the Pirates level of Kingdom Hearts 3, in order to forget this shit and remind myself why I think pirates are cool.

[afaimsblog]

Sieben Staffeln später - Anfang und Ende von “Agents of Shield”

Diese Woche wurde in der USA das Finale von “Agents of Shield” ausgestrahlt. Damit geht eine sieben Jahre andauernde Reise zu Ende, und natürlich stimmt einen das ein wenig nostalgisch. Vor sieben Jahren war noch alles anders, sehr anders sogar. “Agents of Shield” war die letzte Marvel-Realserie, und wenn mit “Hellstorm” und “WandaVision” nicht schon Nachfolger in der Postproduction-Phase wären, dann sähe die Zukunft für das MCU im Moment wirklich trüb aus, angesichts der Tatsache, dass der aktuelle Starttermin für “Black Widow” im Moment gerade mal wieder wackelt.

Wie auch immer, AOS war unter all den Comicverfilmungsserien immer irgendwie der Underdog. Während der 2000er zemitierte sich die Ansicht, dass DC die besseren Realserien und Marvel die besseren Kinofilme produzierte, und an dieser Feststellung hat sich bis heute nicht wirklich viel geändert, gerade mal während der Zeit als die “Defenders”-Serien auf Netflix wirklich groß und beliebt waren, wirkte es so als könnte sich diese Tatsache ändern, aber die Entwicklungen der letzten zwei Jahre haben deutlich gezeigt, dass es eben nicht so ist. Als AOS angekündigt wurde, war es für viele die Hoffnung darauf, dass sich das ändern könnte - es war die erste MCU-Serie, es war eine Joss Whedon-Serie, Coulson sollte vorkommen - endlich sollte Marvel auch am kleinen Bildschirm den Siegeszug antreten.

Doch der Pilot brachte die große Ernüchterung- Kritiker waren gelinde gesagt enttäuscht, und die ersten regulären Folgen machten es nicht besser sondern eher nur schlimmer - zu comicheftartig, zu altmodisch, zu standartisiert, zu wenig originell, Coulson wäre nicht mehr Coulson, Fitzsimmons seien peinlich und bessere Plotdevices, ach und ja nicht zu vergessen diese blöde Sky soll bitte umgebracht werden - dazu gab es sogar Petitionen. Nicht einmal ein Gastauftritt von Samuel L. Jackson konnte da helfen. Die ersten paar Folgen festigten das Urteil der meisten Leute über diese Serie - zu deren eigenen Pech. AOS war aber nie für diese Leute gemacht, es war für eine Serie für Comicfans von Comicfans, die noch dazu in einer Phase des MCUs mit ihrer Ausstrahlung begann, in der sich bald alles ändern würde, was aber noch keiner wissen durfte. Der großte Twist änderte alles, kam aber für viele Zuseher zu spät. Obwohl er nicht funktioniert hätte, wenn man zu diesem Zeitpunkt der Serie nicht davon ausgegangen wäre, dass man die handelnden Figuren sehr genau kennt, konnte er in den Augen vieler die Serie nicht retten.

AOS war in der Folge zu einem Schattendasein verbannt, der eine Spin-Off wurde nach nur zwei Staffel eingestellt, und der andere kam nie über das Pilotstadium hinaus und raubte uns Bobbi und Hunter - und egal wie oft Kritiker und Fans später betonten wie gut die Serie inzwischen doch geworden war, zu viele Menschen schienen ihr nicht verzeihen zu können, dass sie nicht von der ersten Minute an Gold war. Dass sie von der ersten Minute an trotzdem routiniertes TV mit talentierten Teams vor und hinter den Kulissen war und damit besser als die Mehrzahl von dem, was heutzutage auf die Zuseher losgelassen wird, zählte scheinbar nicht. Was zum MCU gehörte musste von der ersten Sekunde an glänzen. Das musste Jahre später “Iron Fist” auch auf die harte Tour lernen.

Für diejenigen, die dran geblieben sind und nicht so snobistisch eingestellt waren, hat es sich ausgezahlt. Sie wurden mit einer der innovativsten und unterhaltsamsten Serien der letzten Dekade belohnt. Ja, es war nicht immer unproblematisch. Das Finale von Staffel 5 hätte eigentlich bereits das Serienfinale sein sollen, und Staffel 6 litt nicht nur darunter sichtlich sondern auch unter der Tatsache, dass “Infinity War” und “Endgame” nicht verspoilert sprich beachtet werden konnten, was AOS in ein Alternativuniversum katapulierte und damit noch weniger relevant machte als sie bereits in den Jahren zuvor geworden war, in denen sie zunehmend auf Gastauftritte bekannter MCU-Gesichter verzichtete und sich auf seine eigene Geschichte konzentrierte.

Mit dem Finale hätte AOS die Chance gehabt sich in die Hauptzeitlinie zurückzuversetzen, doch die Macher verzichteten darauf, und die Serie zemitierte sich mit seinem Ende stattdessen als Alternative Zeitlinie ohne Blip und damit als bessere Version des MCUs, da alle damit verbundenden Probleme wegfallen. Und immerhin wird das Multiversum in der kommenden Phase des MCU eine große Rolle spielen, gibt es dem zweiten “Doktor Strange”-Film doch sogar seinen Namen. Wer weiß also was die Zukunft für unsere Helden bringt? Vielleicht stellen die Avengers doch noch eines Tages fest, dass Coulson lebt, treffen Quake oder Team Upen Nick Fury mit Mack oder Black Widow mit der Kavallarie.

AOS war letztlich immer einer Serie für die Fans. Es ging den Autoren nie darum Quoten zu machen, nachdem sie ein Publikum gewonnen hatten wurde die Film Tie-Ins immer weniger auffällig bis sie zuletzt vollkommen verschwanden. Stattdessen wollte die Serie ihre eigene Geschichte erzählen, und das hat sie meistens erfolgreich geschafft. Sie präsentierte uns die Kree lange vor “Captain Marvel” in ihrer ganzen Pracht, machte interessantere Sache mit Hydra als die Filme und mit den Inhumans als die nach ihnen benannte Serie, redifinierte den Begriff Unglückliche Liebende für zukünftige Generationen (Romeo und Julia sind nichts gegen Fitzsimmons), brach uns das Herz und heilte unsere Seele wieder und wieder aufs Neue, und war sich für keine Popkulturanspielung zu schade. Und zuletzt bewies sie uns noch, dass ein Ende nicht immer aufregend voll Mord und Todschlag und großen Opfern sein muss, sondern manchmal einfach auch nur leise und bestimmt ausfallen kann und das erfüllen kann und darf, was die Fans sich wünschen. Das ist der Vorteil, wenn man zwei Enden hat, man kann das Paukenschlag-Ende zuerst machen und im tatsächlichen Ende einfach nur alle glücklich machen. Vielleicht sollten das mehr Serien probieren.

Fest steht, eine Serie wie “Agents of Shield” wird es nicht noch einmal geben. Denn keine Serie, deren Pilot und erste Folgen derart schlechte Kritiken bekommen würde heutzutage noch sieben Staffeln leben. AOS durfte das nur weil es die erste MCU-Serie war, und weil Sender und Macher wussten, was Mitte der 1. Staffel passieren würde und dass die eigentliche Handlung erst da losgehen würde. Ein Risiko, das heutzutage keiner mehr eingehen würde und damals nur eingegangen wurde weil es eine MCU-Serie von Joss Whedon war.

Deswegen sollten wir dankbar dafür sein, für jede Sekunde dieser sieben Jahre, da AOS möglicherweise die letzte Network-Serie war, der es gestattet worden ist zu wachsen und sich weiterzuentwickeln, und das zu ihren eigenen Bedingungen. Und alle wunderbaren Blüten, die im Laut der Jahre daraus erwachsen sind, zeigen, dass das kein Fehler war, ganz im Gegenteil.

#CoulsonStillLives

[theauthorityvol1]

HM, you are right that they didn’t actually show teddy being particularly kind - like, not enough to set him apart from any other “good guy”. wait i’m going to take a page off ur book at put this under a read more like a civilized human being.

i agree that the choices that were put in front of teddy were so black-or-white that all we saw was him be a Hero Type (as in, he did what any heroic character would have done in his stead, like, juuust for example, not blow up the sun) but not a specifically kind one, which is supposed to be a defining characteristic of his. but i didn’t notice this immediately and i think the reason is simply that they didn’t show anything that went direcly against this, either. they didn’t portray teddy as being explicitly unkind, which would have been noticeable by virtue of being, well, ooc. they just didn’t put him in any situation where kindness was required. just heroism. (i want to say that i may be sprouting some bullshit, because i haven’t reread empyre, this is just from memory.) so they....chose to tell us readers that teddy was kind through that bit of dialogue instead of narratively showing us, which, while i would have preferred the opposite, i don’t think i can fault the writers for, because this was an ensemble book after all and in ensemble books no one gets all their character traits showcased. i did appreciate that the concept was at least touched on, though. and if they had to explicitly “tell” us, i very simplistically maybe lmao like the way they chose to do it - that panel where he goes “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness”? my loser ass just likes the simple concept of characters that are good that may be perceived as weak, but prove they aren’t.

^ that block of text was all just about the “kindness” thing 😅😅 but apart from that, you’re right: he never even tried to negotiate, and that’s just one of plenty other shortcomings. (i don’t understand what you meant by saving captain glory on the ship, though?) (again, i may be just misremembering.)

LMAO about Luna. yeah, it does tell us that, and it is infantile... but to be honest, “empyre” is not the book i find at fault here, “w & h king in black” is. i can accept that empyre was abut establishing teddy as king, and, if you have to have a king (and at the moment the alliance apparently does) yeah, it’s important that that king is... nice. good. fair. just. and (in theory, because as you pointed out, it should have been better written) teddy is. so that’s a start. i say my issue is with king in black because this now is a story that’s actually specifically focusing on teddy after he’s been established as king, so that’s where we’re supposed to be watching teddy start to fix a lot of shit, and instead we get honeymoon shenanigans. and i think that narratively speaking that was a really bad fucking choice.

i absolutely agree that sidelining other heroes would have been ridiculous! it was their book to begin with! and no ensemble book should be all about one character, so absolutely it shouldn’t have been all about teddy, no. also, true, characters other than him were treated unfairly - characters are treated unfairly A LOT of the time, and empyre was no exception. but the young avengers, all of them, are a specific pet peeve of mine, so i think i'm simply...more easily driven to vent on tumblr when they are involved, that's all. anyway, “i would have settled for a better teddy”, that’s exactly it.

OKAY BILLY THOUGH, you KILLED me, that was EXACTLY IT LMFAO! “plot-device-billy-ex-machina” at your service....well, as long as you need to make the plot advance without too much fuss, because as soon as you get to the clou of things it’s “Dude, I’m a plotdevice don’t expect me to actually solve the final problems like I’m a superhero or something.” lmfao. i don’t think that was mean, i think that was exactly how it went. and okay, of course i love the big “let’s all work together to solve the final problem”, but i’ll admit i would have preferred it if billy’s part in it hadn’t just been to keep everyone alive while they did the deed. 🤷🏽‍♂️ i will ALSO admit though that he was at least shown as being competent/pretty powerful, which hasn’t always been the case recently *cough* strikeforce *cough*. anyway. that line was STUPID, YEAH. literally they just... needed billy to not be able to fix the sun in order to give the other heroes something to do, and they explained it with “that’s not how my powers work”...without giving an actual reason why not. come the f on...yeah, “i’m at my limit because i’m keeping everyone alive while right next to the sun” could have sufficed. they made him say he was exhausted with less, in the past. but no, YEAH, we get a line that essentially has him say he is a plot device, i’m quoting you word for word flkskjdeiorjfmsklgjfnb

ahhh okay i misunderstood about kate’s solo. and america...i never read vengeance tbh, but i like her, generally speaking, i’m just not too invested, never managed to warm up to her! anyway, i totally get the reason why those two in particular were the ones to get their own solo, i mean, kate’s been extremely popular since fraction’s hawkeye run and america got incredibly popular after vol2, i think she was THE breakout character (even if she already existed lmao). so it makes sense. regarding america, all i have to say is that i love that a latina lesbian was SO critically acclaimed, good-for-her!.gif. regarding kate...okay listen. i will never tire of pointing out how DIFFERENT original kate was from fraction’s kate, and, while fraction’s version of her is cool, fun, goofy, all sorts of good things, original kate was just fucking unrivaled for me. i loved that charater like you wouldn’t believe, and she doesn’t exist anymore, so it always takes me a while to read stuff that features her now. BUT before i started complaining again what i meant to say was, fraction made kate cool and relatable, readers love her, she’s been featured in a lot of books since, so, again, i totally get why they’re the ones who got the solo! now, though.... my opinion is: marvel wrote themselves to a point where they kind of need to give at least hulkling his own title, because there’s just too much shit to explain. this new King of space thing needs to be explored, it just does. (and king in black is doing a shit job at it.) but if it wasn’t for that, i wouldn’t have rooted for billy & teddy to have their own solos, i wouldn’t have rooted for any of the ya to have their own solos. i think i just wanted... well. volume 3, basically. and okay, part of it is just that i just plain want that team back together!, i’ll admit it!, seeing them all superhero-ing on their own apart from each other breaks my heart!!, but it’s also that ALL of those characters deserve to be back in full focus, no one left out. they all have their own strenghts, and they are all worthy of finally being explored again, better this time. “help teddy with his new gig as king of space” would have been a wonderful volume 3 plot actually, is my final sentence!!!!!!!

last thing, and then i swear i’m done, i do think there will be a vol3 soon or later actually. or something of the sort at least. yeah, with the twins in wendytoaster, eli in tfatws, etc, the ya have started appearing in the mcu, so i think when we get close to the point where they get their own title they’ll get a publicity stunt book or whatever because marvel uses the comics to amp up the mcu and vice versa. i’m not expecting any of that to be good though, so i’m dreading it more than anticipating it.

that’s it i’m done sorry about the wall of text

EDIT all that and i still forgot shit 😩: i’m not expecting much out of teddy and billy being in gotg either, for the reason you said mostly, but i’m not too put out by it either, i’m just curious. the ONLY thing they should TRY not to fuck up too much is teddy meeting phyla-vell

i know everyone is enjoying The Adventures Of Emperor Hulkling and half of my soul is so happy that teddy altman finally got his own storyline and the recognition he deserves, because he is My Boy and a WONDERFUL, kind, good character who deserves the world and was too often overlooked in the past. but the other half of said soul is pissed. i hate this “kree/skrull emperor” storyline. i hate how it’s being written, i thought the general idea was great but the whole thing is being badly handled, i’m sorry, that’s not how you tell a story, it’s so SHALLOW.

we had the kree empire and the skrull empire. i am in no way an expert but in their neverending intergalactic war they invaded and destroyed whole planets, enslaved others if i’m not wrong, oppressed whole alien races - and now they’re allied and all you’re gonna tell me about this is…next to nothing? you’d need a whole book dedicated to exploring how this new system works, or at the very least what challenges the newfound king of such an empire, who is also a TEENAGER FROM A PLANET THAT WAS NOT PART OF THIS CONFLICT, has to face. and we know marvel isnt doing that. no, we were just told that teddy, who, as much as i love him, and i ADORE him, is, again, just a random teenager, is now the head, the King of All Of That, and…he’s doing swell! there are random tidbits like that he has to lmaoooooo MEET HIS SUBJECTS WHO BRING HIM THEIR DEMANDS WHAT IS THIS…..come on…come on, that was ridiculous, what is this, but nevermind that, he’s king and he’s good at being king and in the meantime he has superhero-related adventures with his husband!… what can i say? i personally think that this character deserved a more thought out storyline. he should be shown trying to make a shit situation better for half a galaxy, but instead he’s vacationing with his husband while possibily planets are still enslaved by people who are now HIS people lol. NOTHING is being explored. head of an empire that destroyed worlds, you don’t fix that by sitting on the throne and being a good person! they could be making teddy create a real alliance, they could show us teddy build possibilities, learn things, get put in front of hard choices, free entire planets that got mixed up with the kree/skrull war and make reparations, explore what a person with newfound power could do and what would be impossible to achieve AND ALSO, in time lol, how you go from an empire to like, a democracy of sorts lmao…and much, MUCH more, oh my god, they should be doing a better job here, but no, instead we get light-hearted content that feels a bit…off, considering the circumstances. i feel like i’m being told i have to enjoy reading this because look the charater you love is now a king and the gays are married and having a blast in space!! with no second thought about any of it. and i find it shallow. there. that’s my issue.

[knightmysteriolibray]

Secret Empire - A review

Drinking game: Take a sip for every time I say fuck or fucking.

This series officially tops Civil War and Civil War 2 as the dumbest thing Marvel has ever done.  And that fucking boggles the mind.

The entire premise of the series comes from one thing - Red Skull manipulating a cosmic-powered little girl into making Captain America into a Hydra agent, making him believe he’s always been one.

*takes a deep breath*

Let’s not talk about how monumentally fucking stupid that was, how horrible it was to corrupt one of the most moral, honest, flat-out GOOD characters in Marvel into the bad guy.  Everyone’s done that.  

No, let’s start with how bad the writing was.

Firstly, somehow, Steve suddenly has a backstory involving a new Madame Hydra who appeared out of fucking nowhere.  Seriously, didn’t Viper (the girl) retake the name Madame Hydra?  Fucking hell.  And somehow, somehow, she’s the Princess Celestia to Hydra!Cap’s Twilight Sparkle.  And Baron Zemo was Hydra!Cap’s best buddy.

I... just... WHAT!?  Where did all this come from?  Red Skull put in the request, and so Kobik makes a Hydra!Cap that turns against him and kills him (admittedly satisfying), somehow gaining the loyalty of Skull’s daughter Sin and Crossbones, the Skull’s most faithful minion.  And then they do nothing throughout the story.  And Madame Hydra, who I will now call Madame Plotdevice, is the real enemy.

And then it’s later revealed that Hydra!Cap’s responsible for Banner’s death, by exploiting the flaws in Ulysses’ powers to trigger a false vision of the Hulk.  Da fuck.

And then, because the government is a bunch of chickenshits apparently, they give full control over to SHIELD.  Sharon turns down the job of director and gives it to  Hydra!Cap.  Plus, Captain ArrestThemBeforeTheyDoAnything puts up another MacGuffin, a ‘planetary defense shield.’  

Cue the start of the Empire, including the recruitment of B-list hypnotizer villain Dr. Faustus.  Apparently, no one at SHIELD has protection against mind control (because LOL, no villain’s EVER used that), and everyone in SHIELD being brainwashed.  

And then Hydra!Cap  starts breaking out the plot devices.  Vision is brainwashed by a supervirus (because they had that just lying around), Manhattan gets stuck behind a Darkforce dome created by Blackout, the space heroes are stuck behind the planetary defense shield while Chitari invade to get back the Chitari queen eggs Captain Hydra stored on Earth, Scarlet Witch gets possessed by Cthon (WHEN DID CTHON EVEN JOIN AND WHY THE FUCK IS HE EVEN GIVING HYDRA THE TIME OF DAY), and Jane FosThor is sent away via a magical plot device, leaving her hammer behind. And Deadpool, who’s killed ultra-popular Phil Coulson and his daughter’s guardian, another popular character, joins because he’s a brainless Captain America fanboy and FUCKING STUPID.  And Odinson joins Hydra because... because...  Why did he join again?  

And then, while Hydra’s busy owning heroes who’ve stomped them into the dirt REGULARLY before, Hydra!Cap picks up fucking Mjolnir.

*takes a deep breath*

I will concede that the final issue of the story, which showed Madame Plotdevice using a Kobik shard to change the enchantment on the hammer to allow him to pick it up, mitigates this.  But we went for goddamn MONTHS thinking that  Hydra!Cap was somehow ‘worthy.’  

Moving on.

WELL.  Now that Hydra!Cap and company have curbstomped everyone, Hydra rules America.  No problem.  No way America would take this lying down, right? Being run by Nazis?  

Marvel: Hydra’s not Nazis.

Shut the FUCK UP, Marvel!  They’ve been Nazis for ages, just saying they aren’t doesn’t mean they stop being Nazis!

Anyway.  No way America would accept facists as their rulers, right? 

Donald Trump: Fuck immigrant kids.  And poor people.

...Goddamn political allegory.

And on top of that, Captain Hydra goes on the news, talks about ‘fake news,’ and the writers end up making SALLY GODDAMN FLOYD look sympathetic.  

*takes a deep breath*

Plus, apparently Hydra’s putting shit in the water and people are being brainwashed, except not everyone is.  And all of Americas mutants are in their own little California reservation after Captain Hydra made a deal with Magneto.  And all Inhumans in America except for the costumes are in concentration camps.

Not Nazis. 

Right.

And then Las Vegas is nuked because the Hydra council is saying Captain Hydra’s being a pussy about things.  

Meanwhile, Kobik, regretting her choices in life, is hiding in a world of memories, while a ‘memory’ of the real Steve Rogers is trying to convince her to help.  

Meanwhile in reality, Marvel’s promoting the shit out of this, and wants vendors to wear Hydra t-shirts.  Some workers at these vendors are Jewish.  And Marvel wanted them to wear shirts promoting the imagery of a Nazi offshoot group.  Classy.

Actually, while we’re on the subject, why is this stupid arc even called Secret Empire?!  Hydra is OPENLY RULING THE US.  GAAAAH.

And while we’re on the topic of plot holes, where are the Thunderbolts?  After Kobik had her little bitchfit when Winter Soldier told her how much of an idiot she was being, Atlas, Fixer, Moonstone, Songbird, Mach-X just vanish.  They have no relevancy to the plot at all.  They never appear anywhere in the arc again.

For that matter, where’s Doctor Doom during all this?  Last time I checked, he was trying to be a hero.  Why isn’t he there getting his Iron Man on, instead of AI Tony who’s there because Tony has to be in every event looking like an asshole and contributing nothing of value and the real one is in a coma because of Captain MinorityReport and FUCK YOU MARVEL.

*takes a deep breath*

And what about that story where Cho-Hulk infiltrated the Hitler Youth, er, Hydra Boys Choir to spy on them?  Did that go anywhere?  No?  Of course not.

Fuck this story.

Anyway, after months of Hydra owning the shit out of every superhero under the sun, looking cool in the process while the heroes look fucking pathetic (Hashtag Darkness Induced Audience Apathy), somehow they start getting their fucking together.

But not before Ultron Pym disses everyone.

Ultron: Yeah, I’m done trying to kill humanity.  I can’t top what you brainless fucks.  Also, fuck you Tony for bringing up something I did ONCE that I regretted forever.

Seriously, Marvel, Tony’s done a lot worse shit than Hank and gotten no flak for it.  Meanwhile, Hank makes a mistake that he hates himself for for years, has since reconciled with Jan.  Yes, spousal abuse is horrific and deserves punishment.  But Hank has been seeking penance for that ONE act for years, and people keep bringing it the fuck up.  Plus, I’m pretty sure that making Ultron tops it...

Moving on.

Anyway.  Rick Jones is executed early into the arc.  And meanwhile Black Widow plans on using Spider-Miles as a distraction to assassinate Captain Hydra.  And then Widow is killed trying to stop Spider-Miles from killing Captain Hydra, stuffed into the goddamn fridge alongside Rick, Eric Selvig, Jack Flag, and all of Las Vegas.

Oh, yeah.  Punisher’s joined Hydra too.  Because Captain Hydra convinced him he could bring back his family.  Even though he’s moved on from that for years and everything with him in it recently shows that he prefers his endless war on crime.  And even though it goes against Punisher’s code to even associate with Hydra without shooting them.

And Ant-Man was a mole for Hydra in the resistance because they had his daughter, except he openly helps the heroes afterwards with no fear.

And Bruce Banner was brought back to life, briefly, and repowered.  Bruce told Hydra to fuck off, but Hulk was apparently still kinda grumpy about Iron Man and the whole Illuminati thing (even though he was a MEMBER of the illuminati at one point), so he helps Hydra smash the resistance base.  And then, after the base is nuked, he disappears from the story forever.  Granted, Madame Plotdevice was killed too, but still.  And they even rehashed the damn Cap/Iron Man rivalry because we needed to be reminded of THAT again...

GAAAAAAAH

Don’t worry, though, because the heroes have a Kobik shard.  How did they get it? 

By going to an Inhuman who has the power to barf up plot devices.  

I really wish I was fucking kidding.

Anyway, Hydra’s plot devices start going down, Winter Soldier getting pulled to safety through a plothole by Namor (somehow), Maria Hill defeating Deadpool and killing Blackout, destroying the Darkforce dome around Manhattan, and the new Mary Sue Quasar that absolutely goddamn nobody asked for waking up from her plot device/coma and shattering the defense shield around the planet, Captain Ireallydon’tgiveafuckanymore destroying the Chitari queen eggs that were making them attack to begin with.

Because that won’t bite them in the ass later.

Captain Hydra finally starts dressing like Captain Hydra, putting on Kobik shard powered armor.  He then beats the crap out of everyone, and rewrites history to be how he thinks it should be.  Then Sam Wilson shows up, hands over another Kobik shard, kneeling before the white supervillain and saying Hail Hydra.  Only not, because Ant-Man was on the shard and used it to revive Kobik fully.  She promptly undoes all his changes, Captain Hydra VERY confused by this point (aren’t we all).

And then Memory!Cap appears, wearing his old costume and kicking Captain Hydra’s ass all over creation.  Captain Hydra tries to pick up Mjolnir (which was left where he had put it down in the middle of DC because... reasons...), only to find out that SURPRISE! he’s not actually worthy.  The spell Madame Plotdevice put on it ended with her death.

Memory!Cap, who I guess is the real Cap by this point, picks up Mjolnir and, in the ONLY satisfying moment in the story, promptly smacks the shit out of Captain Hydra with it.  Sam returns the shield to real Steve, and goddamn did it feel good to Steve Rogers looking like he’s supposed to for fucking once.

Kobik restores most of the damage, except she doesn’t repair Las Vegas, or bring back everyone who died in Las Vegas, nor does she bring back Widow and Rick Jones because... because... 

I can’t think of any legitimate reason not to bring them back.  I can’t.

And there we go.  Evil defeated.  Happy ending.  Ish.

Granted, Captain Hydra’s apparently still alive.  And Deadpool is now filled with more angst than Spider-Man on his worst day.  And Widow and Rick Jones and Las Vegas are all still dead.

Fuck this story.

My god.

This whole stupid event should have been a What If, not canon.  It’s entire plot hinges on RAMPANT abuse of cosmic reality warping MacGuffins.  It’s needlessly dark, pointlessly angsty, DEGRADES Steve Rogers as a character BADLY, and it just made everyone look bad.  

FUCK THIS STORY.