#chaerian

[darawonplease]

“That’s all for this session, you’ve made significant improvements Mr. Yu. See you next week at the same hour then”.

I nodded at the psychiatrist and bowed, before finding myself again swallowed by the busy metropolis.

.

Scott had me promise to start seeing a professional about my unhealthy behaviors. I had him promise me not to tell anyone about my condition yet. I wanted to do better, I really wanted to.

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✵ ch. 7 – pearlescent pills.

「 ☾ Ian's? POV」

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“Friends keep in contact, right?”.

“I mean— Everyone has a life to attend to so it’s possible to lose contact for a while… what’s important is to show up in times of need”.

Dabin’s faultless reasoning resonated in me like a sentence.

“Right”.

”Is someone ghosting you?”, a chuckle left his lips.

“Nah, nothing of the sort”, my nervous reflection behind him laughed it off.

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Scott and Cream often left me alone with Dabin for lunch break; some attempts were more obvious than others, I had figured out it was their way of giving us the space to talk about that night, but despite their effort at having “their kids” make amends, call it power of friendship or our inability to speak of our feelings openly, Dabin kept smiling at me as if nothing had happened, making guilt inflate to my throat.

“Hello, welcome to Blueberry Diner. What can I get you?”.

“Hi! I’ll have a Patty Melt and fries, thank you”.

“What about you?”, the waitress’ smile quickly turned into scorn as soon as she recognized the familiar features I uselessly hid behind the menu.

“Just a cola, thanks”.

“Anything else?”.

“That’s all, thank you”.

“Isn’t she the girl you’ve been seeing lately?.

“We’ve stopped seeing each other”. I slammed the menu on the table, cutting him out.

.

✵

“Who even are you? I can’t even recognize you anymore”.

The vermillion knuckles glistened under the faint studio lights. Dabin laid on a bed of broken shards, tinted in crimson red.

The mental torture my mind subjected me to had no end.

I despised myself for having no recollection of that moment but the more I looked at his smiley face, the more the fractions of that fateful night came to my mind, making me regret the bliss that came with not knowing.

✵

.

“Please stop…”.

“Damn dude, I won’t dig further then” - he showed his palms in defeat - “This must be awkward…You should’ve told me sooner, we could’ve gone elsewhere”.

“How could I? You were so excited to try their sauce”.

No matter how many times Dabin had tried to reassure me, I still felt uneasy when looking at him. All I could see was the pain I had inflicted on him. On Scott. No amount of apologies and free drinks could ever restore our friendship before those moments.

“Here you go, a Patty melt, fries and a cola”, the girl with green sheets approached Dabin with a tray and a bright smile, totally ignoring my presence.

Carmine droplets started to form a small puddle on the diner table.

.

drip.

drop.

drip.

drop.

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That seemingly insignificant noise absorbed every surrounding sound; the sizzling meat, the loud chatter, the busy street in front of the burger place. Everything fell in ominous silence. Those slow splats managed to drown the voice in my head too.

I carefully followed the red trails to their source until my eyes laid on Dabin’s lips, painted in purple and blue.

I sought for any ounce of lucidity blinking away from him but all I could see were those seemingly intangible bruises that time yet couldn’t heal.

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“I still wonder why Scott would renovate the studio while we are working on that big project. It sure isn’t the best of times”, Dabin remarked.

I bit my tongue. Scott really did honor his promise to me.

“Cream said we can finish recording at his place since the studio is closed”.

“Sure, I need help with this new draft of mine”.

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I clutched my chest, air seemed to leave my lungs as I kept looking powerless at Dabin’s distorted figure. Blood kept dripping from the side of his mouth, but he kept talking as if nothing happened.

I suddenly felt my hands flinching uncontrollably, just like the table shaking under us.

“Are you okay Ian?”.

I slammed my palms on the surface, halting the trembling.

“Y-yeah. I just need to go to the bathroom”.

.

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“What’s wrong with me? Why do You keep doing this? Just stop”. I pleaded at the distorted image in the mirror.

Dr. Kim’s words suddenly felt devoid of any meaning. Where was the progress if I constantly felt his presence behind my back?

I hastily swallowed the pearlescent pills, praying they’d work just like last time in hushing him, even if for just a bit. That was the one-way ticket for the limbo; the thin space between my highs and lows and, for how seemingly serene, it morphed me into a ghost, a watered version of myself.

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“The sauce they make here is so damn good, you were right Ian!”.

“Right? I told you so—“, I quickly hid the pills in my pocket, like a nervous habit I developed.

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If I couldn’t get rid of him, I’d at least fight back.

I just hated how much I needed him.

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an. I'm back from a lengthy hiatus with a draft I started in 2022. Slowly I've come to enjoy again the creative process behind all this. Hope you are well! The next chapter is progressing well, hopefully I will publish it as soon as next week. Bye!

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[darawonplease]

⭒ dear mr. Insanity [one shot]

Chaerin and Ian have been hanging out for a while now but she just can't figure out if the interest goes both ways. He leaves her living room as soon as the ending credits roll but one day she finally decides to change the course of the night.

characters: Christian Yu x Chaerin Lee

"We're just seeing each other, it's nothing really"— that was your standard reply every time your friends started investigating the foolish smiles you casually threw at your phone.

It was like that indeed, you had been hanging out with the people at the DPR label for quite a while and still couldn't or didn't want to define what was developing between you and Christian.

Of course, you had exchanged some fleeting gazes, it seemed as if everyone else could see the sparks except the both of you.

He was a mesmerizing human puzzle.

It seemed like you knew everything and nothing at the same time and that made you go out of your mind.

All the songs you listened to reminded you of him and these sneaky tricks your mind played made you unusually careful around him.

.

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You were halfway through the movie, but your thoughts were elsewhere.

That was the third or fourth time you hung out alone at your place and you just started to think that maybe— just maybe, he simply was a movie enthusiast in search for company, although it was quite unrealistic he thought you had the same sublime taste as him.

Nothing ever happened apart from some very witty comments he left here and there on the composition and colours of the scene. With a slow nod, you pretended to fully understand his argument, but after all, you were the person under the flashing lights, not behind the camera like him.

Christian wasn't the talkative one when you hung out altogether with Dabin and Scott but when it came to his area of expertise it seemed like he could talk for hours without halting, you could literally feel his burning passion through his enthusiasm. You really couldn't help but fall for his charisma.

"So— how was it?".

He turned around to look at you, the credits now rolling on the large screen in front of the couch.

You recomposed yourself, his question was simple, but you just realized that you had spent the last portion of the movie sorting out your feelings for the guy on your couch and his quirky way of expressing outlandish ideas.

Your eyes naturally laid on the clock over his head.

"Gosh—it's so late already", you exclaimed.

"Shit, you're right. I should head home", Christian quickly collected all of his stuff and clumsily put on a pair of Adidas at the entrance of your flat.

"It seems like you're dying to get out of here", you mocked him.

"I should let you rest; I've bothered you enough for today", he chuckled, his dimples making an appearance on his flushed cheeks.

"Well, see you around then", you waved at him right before closing the door.

The night was about to go down just like the ones before that: stuck in an endless loop of maybes and ambiguous looks. No resolution, just a slow tease.

You hated how much it gave you to think. What if he really was a cinephile? Did you really want to know if that feeling went both ways?

The unfamiliar leather jacket still hung on the rack caught your eye. You quickly figured out he forgot to grab it.

You quickly opened the door, perhaps you were still in time to stop the clumsy guy.

"Wait Ian!".

His fluffy locks bounced on the tan skin as he turned around, "Huh? Did I forget something?".

Clueless, Christian hurried back to your doorstep.

"What is it?, he rested his hand at the top of the doorframe and leaned onto you.

"Your jacket", you playfully wiggled it in your hand.

"Shit— that's mine, isn't it?". He uselessly hid his face against his arm in embarrassment.

"It really is", you mocked him.

The two of you looked at each other, incapable of saying the next word.

The uncomfortable silence clearly spoke for itself, heightening the tension forming between the two of you.

"Well, I'll get going".

"Have a good night". He disappeared behind the door again.

Your hand couldn't let go of the handle. You opened the door one more time, suddenly invested by some unknown courage.

"Stay".

You caught the hint of surprise in his eyes, widened by your unexpected request. His brows furrowed slightly as he searched for elucidation.

"I'm tired of hoping you'd stay", you followed up.

He looked straight at you. It seemed like he was aware of how much of a sucker you were for his deep brown eyes.

His gaze slowly shifted on your lips. Now, was he still just a movie enthusiast?

Your lips gently brushed, he smiled softly as you grabbed his arms, leading him inside your flat.

Ian swiftly closed the door behind you two.

"I've been wanting to kiss you for too long", he confessed letting out a chuckle.

Ian's big hands reached your cheek. You were surprised by the softness of his skin. His touch was gentle, just like his demeanour.

"Then do it, dummy".

He didn't even hide the smirk on his lips before kissing you again, this time with more pressure; his intentions clear as day.

Ian perfectly followed your lead, matching your intensity with mastery. Your mind was about to melt, how could a simple kiss make someone feel so elated?

Just how could you rob yourself of his lips for all this time? You felt dumb for missing out on all of those chances.

His thumb caressed your ear as the two of you slowly moved against the blank wall of the hallway.

"I'm sorry miss, I'm afraid I won't let you rest tonight", he whispered into your ear with his raspy voice, drowning you in a shower of unspeakable fantasies.

The goofy guy you had spent so much time with had just pinned you against the wall, his tongue slowly drawing wet circles on your sensitive neck.

Your fingers unknowingly gripped onto his black shirt as your mind slowly melted away only to be interrupted.

"Are you really okay with this?", he carefully distanced himself, making sure you were comfortable again.

"I super-am, dummy".

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!! here another CLxDPRIAN that might interest you ✵ polaris , it’s still on-going. The genre is romance/angst.

a.n. Since I'm stuck with the completion of 'polaris' I thought I might just give a chance to a light chaerian one-shot. I took some inspiration from "Dear Mrs. Insanity" and "Do I Wanna Know" lyrics and just went on from there.

[darawonplease]

「 ✵Chaerin's POV」

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I had lost count of the gorgeous women I've seen him intertwining hands with.

Jiyong blew them off like birthday candles; with extreme ease. One by one, week to week, month to month. He swore he was in love with them but he was quick to forget about the lover of the week whenever I came around. Like a sunflower, I only looked at the unreachable Sun, dependent on his warm light.

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His hands scorched the cheeks reddened by those sweet nothings.

"You're the only one who really gets me".

Those words cast a spell on me, capable of dissipating the soul-eating guilt chasing me. Like a fool, I believed I could change him, just because I felt special.

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When I rested my eyes, I recalled the tender embraces, the carefree getaways and the passionate moments first, as if he wasn't the culprit of the heartbreak I hopelessly tried to go through for years.

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Thank you for the irreplaceable memories, Jiyong.

Thank you for the heartbreak.

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✵ ch.5 – thnx.

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I witnessed the ash slowly falling off from the stick and crashing onto the incense holder, its fragrant aroma gave some relief to my exhausted mind.

Hours and hours of negotiations ended in nothing; those technicalities only gave me giant headaches.

In the incessant run towards my goals, I found myself last. No matter how much I worked for it, it was always out of my reach. And just as if woken up from a nightmare, I found myself in a place whose comfort was just a distant memory. Its familiarity becoming sticky tar for my wings.

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I busted the windows wide open; the stagnant air irked my nostrils. A deep breath was what I needed to gather the resolution I so desperately needed. Focusing on the distant lit buildings on the horizon, I let my thoughts wander. Despite being in the privacy of that hotel room, tears wouldn't flow freely, blocked by an insuperable wall of frustration.

With the tips of my fingers, i brushed my chest. The ache was still acute, rooted deeply inside of me.

All the memorable moments, hardships, laughs and happy memories. Everything good had to be thrown away along with regrets and missed opportunities. Nobody could give me back those miserable years I spent wondering if I was the problem, If I could make it all work and if I was even enough.

Like a stain on my favorite shirt, I just couldn't throw it all away.

My skin crawled at the thought of free-falling, of making myself vulnerable to failure again. Blinded by love and loyalty, I found myself betrayed.

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I wouldn't let anyone else let me down like that again. With newfound courage, I finally made my decision.

"Hello. Yes. Please communicate to them that I no longer want to renew my contract with the company. Thank you, Ashley". The phone bounced at the feet of my bed after the sound of the call closing.

I should've felt victorious but, in my mouth, I couldn't taste any sweetness.

"Are you okay?", Harin's head popped behind the ajar door. Her sudden appearance took me back to reality.

"I did what I had to", I evaded the question. My gaze remained fixed on the buildings kissed by the warm sunlight. Deep down, I feared that if I turned around to look at her, I would've broken into a thousand million pieces.

The fragile Chaerin had no room in a life where people look up to the bold CL. I didn't allow myself to look vulnerable, like an irrational fear, I lived pretending to be unscathed. I picked up somebody else's pieces, but I wasn't sure If someone else was there to pick up mines.

"You don't have to go through this alone again. This is the start of a new chapter", my baby sis offered me comfort by slowly stroking my back. I just knew she smiled through her reassuring words.

She left the room, shortly after. My silence probably signaled to her that I needed some alone time.

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I released myself on the soft duvet and noticed that the incense stick had finished burning. Restless, I turned around and faced the wall. Harin's preaching sparked something in me.

As I shut my eyelids, I immediately recalled that cold night. is accepting embrace gave me a novel feeling of safety. It was so genuine and unexpected, it made me forget for a moment the duty of keeping the CL mask on. Maybe opening up wasn't so bad with some people. The guys at DPR were friends I could trust with my life.

Time flew by so fast, I just realized six months had passed since the trip to Santorini.

Dialing that number right after promising myself to be more independent was like swimming upstream but I quickly resigned myself; he was probably the only person to be up in Korea at that hour.

The pauses after each and every ring back made my curiosity grow. In my mind, I prepared the list of stuff I wanted to know from him since our goodbye in Greece. How was he? Did he grow his hair as promised? Did he get rid of that stupid chair in his studio?

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"The number you have dialed is currently unavailable. Please try again later".

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The operator's cold voice reverberated in the dead-quiet hotel room.

"What did I expect? It's 4AM in Korea", I chuckled at myself. I was being too optimistic.

Perhaps Ian had finally fixed his strange sleeping habits. Maybe he was sleeping. Maybe he was busy composing.

Despite all the reasonable justifications, I couldn't help but feel abandoned.

With a quick glance at the messages, I noticed we had stopped talking since I left for LA.

Must admit, a wild thought had jumped at the back of my head. What if he didn't want to talk to me?

"No, he'll surely call me back first thing in the morning", I immediately reassured myself, kicking those negative theories out of my system.

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I measured my anguish by the number of calls that didn't go through.

Three.

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I waited all day for you to call me back but you never did, Christian.

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a.n. I really wanted to focus more on the counterpart of this story. Chaerin. That's why I decided to write shorter chapters. Is it angsty enough? I hope so. I have the next chapter to revise but it's nice to recover my footing. This fic is so meaningful to me. Thank you so much for the supportive comments, those encouraged me to spare some time to keep writing. We're getting nearer to the key part of this whole journey, hope you are ready! 

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previous chapter. ✵  next chapter. ✵ masterlist

[darawonplease]

“Christian…?”.

Her disgruntled expression just couldn’t hide her shock, and how could I blame her? At her feet stood a week of chaos and basking in despair, the turmoil made my studio unrecognizable to the eyes of whoever wasn’t me.

Chae didn’t question me further and immediately picked up the empty bottles scattered on the floor.

“Can you give me a hand?”, she let through a meek smile as she shook a brown bottle of Asahi.

I stood up from the floor, my vision getting fuzzy as I helplessly staggered through the living room before falling on my side.

“Barom! Are you okay? Answer me!”. She kneeled beside me and shook my shoulders, just before my vision turned black.

“He must be exhausted”.

“I’m sorry I had to call you, Dabin”.

“It was an emergency, I had to come. Don’t worry about that”.

I wondered why waking up had become such a painful surprise.

I rubbed my eyes with a hand and slowly stood up letting out a heavy sigh.

“Well, the prince is up!”, I was welcomed to my senses by Dabin’s half-smile.

Chaerin was crouching beside him, her shoulders rose slightly as she let out a gentle sigh of relief.

Her eyes were coloured in the sweetest shade of hazelnut. Her presence felt like home.

✵

I looked at the mess in my apartment one last time before closing the door behind me. Maybe I hoped for her to come back and help me tidy up just like she did at that time at the studio.

What a fool.

I had yet to learn how to get up without her.

“Ian, move your ass!”.

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✵ ch.4 – ian AM

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「 ✵Chaerin’s POV」

“I’m afraid we’ll have to make you waitfor a bit sweetie”.

It started like a script, a broken record the CEO would sell me to have me shut up for a moment.

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It was never a good enough time for anything, apparently.

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Nobody would ever blame me for reaching for the stars at the peak of my years, instead, I wasted my youth getting rejected once and once again. I missed recording music in that old and stuffy studio back in Seoul.

To this day I still don’t know why I tolerated such mistreatment. I’d never craved agency over my own damn life like in that very moment.

.

“Ian, what do you think?”, I turned the swivel chair to the back of the room in search of validation.

“Cherry honey, I’m sorry but I ain’t that cute friend of yours”, Matthew raised his brow, his gaze still locked onto his phone.

“Gosh— Sorry! I just don’t know what’s up with me lately”.

“Something tells me you’d rather be with this ‘Ian guy’ right now ha-”.

“It’s just that… it’s like he always knows what’s missing in a track, you know? He knows exactly how to complete them”.

“If you say so”, he giggled.

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The large window that ran through the perimeter of the studio allowed a complete view of the foreign yet beautiful city.

There were days nostalgia would hit me more than others, tempting me to return to my nest, South Korea.

Yet, a lot of heartbreak was awaiting me there.

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“I might go crazy”.

The friend on the couch finally lifted his eyes, “What’s up with you, hun?”

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I still can't define exactly what I felt that night. Envy? Jealousy? Melancholy?

Rage and desire mixed up inside of my stomach until it all exploded. Hot tears drew two wet paths on my red cheeks, dripping onto my thighs.

.

“I just-…I can’t do this anymore”.

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「 ☽ Ian's POV」

I stopped looking for comfort in her smile.

“She’s hanging out with the big shots lately”, Dabin took a peek from above my shoulder.

A forced smile was all I could come up with, I scrolled past her social media updates. At least she was doing fine.

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Scott barged into the common room with an exaggerated smug face.

“I didn’t know the waitress at the diner was your type Ian”, he placed his stuff on the couch.

Cream laughed, “The one with the bangs? Damn, Ian”.

“What happened to the girl you introduced to me last week, Chloe, right?”.

The sudden interrogation scene was just shy of a spotlight pointed at my damn face.

“You know what? You guys ask too many fucking questions”, I rolled my eyes in frustration.

“We’re just happy you’re back”, the eldest patted my thigh as he sat beside me with a warm paternal smile.

“Just take it slow casanova, the world won’t end tomorrow”.

“Whatever..”.

.

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I heaved a thankful sigh, the sight of my studio desk gave me a profound sense of security.

I brushed the keyboards with my fingertips, I could finally lose myself in the music, that long month in the darkness made me come up with a multitude of sounds and lyrics I couldn't wait to work on.

♪

Hey girl, I heard you leaving town

Hey girl, it might’ve worked somehow

Hi, how you doin?

I heard you seem to be happy now

Don’t worry ‘bout me ‘cause i’m doing fine

♪

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✵

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The continuous clicking of the mouse became my own equivalent to silence.

“There’s a limit to the extra hours I can put in your paycheck, you know that right?”.

I kept my eyes on the bright monitor in front of me, not even bothering to turn around and greet Scott.

“I just wanted to get started on some stuff”.

“Yeah, but it’s 3 AM and you’re still in the spot I left you when I went home yesterday”, he rummaged in the top drawer of my workstation.

“I’m fine, that’s the least I can do after all”.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, things are getting better already. You can do that tomorrow morning, okay Ian?”.

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He triumphantly raised a chunky hard disk, its cable still entangled amongst other things.

“I have to hand in this tomorrow morning, and I totally forgot I left it in here. Ah- I won't pay you, so go home already, understood?”, he nicely reminded me before disappearing behind the opaque glass door.

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I took out the packet and pushed a cig between my lips, the third hit on the lighter turned the new bad habit into vice; Winston’s butts piled up in the improvised paper ashtray I shoved at the side of the laptop.

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My heart pounded inside my chest as I aimlessly navigated Seoul's empty streets.

.

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Thoughts were as messy as that girl’s bedroom.

“You can’t just show up at my place in the middle of the night all the time, you know I have to open the diner in the morning”.

“I’ll help you clean up the place then”, I joked.

“Stop it with the non-sense”, her lips met mine: she sure had her own way of shutting me up.

There wasn't any attempt to hide the urgency on her part. She shoved me onto her own bed, initiating things immediately.

.

Something about her warmth gave me so much comfort, even if temporarily. Like a burning match quickly turning into ashes. Guilt wasn’t in my system as we both perfectly knew we were using each other to get away from boredom, sadness, and longing.

When things were done, we often found each other turning our backs to one another. In that large bed with green sheets, we were strangers once again.

.

That was just something I started to get accustomed to, the unsatisfying view of the dawn from her small apartment.

She fixed the bangs framing her round face before leaning towards my lighter with her pale cigarette.

“This is the last time we’re doing this, we’re strangers from now on”.

Unfazed, I inhaled the hot smoke. What a relief.  Altough I barely even remembered her name, her features had started to become too familiar for my liking.

"It's for the best".

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A notification appeared, like a beacon in the darkness. Unconcerned with the whats and whys, I silenced and flipped the phone on the nightstand. I couldn’t care less, or better: I didn’t want to care anymore.

She was doing fine anyway.

.

「 chaerin-i: 3 missed calls」

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an. It's been literally 8 months since I last updated this, at one point i just thought "fuck it" and wrote until something semi-decent came out. I'm still getting used to writing again but I hope you're still invested in these characters as I am!

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previous chapter. ✵  next chapter. ✵ masterlist

[darawonplease]

✵ ch.3 – blackout.

「 ☽ Ian's POV」

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「 Ian, you’ve hid in your apartment for a week now, are  you alright?」

「 Dude, we need you at the studio」

「 I’ll get your lazy ass myself, I fucking swear」

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I scrolled through the DPR group chat out of pure boredom, nothing more.

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“450 missed messages, huh?”.

Quite a rare scenario, I was the person who usually spammed nonstop in our group chat, bothering the others.

I threw the phone over the coffee table in front of the leather couch where my body was laying, restless, completely drained. Like a stalled car I was stuck there, my limbs dangling down, almost touching the ground.

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The sun splashing into a bundle of warm colors was a view I enjoyed quite a lot from my living room’s large windows. I almost refused to acknowledge how stunning that was just to keep lurking in the darkness, tucked away from any worry.

Defeat left such a bitter taste in my mouth. Our label was going through some rough times and I had abandoned the ship and retired in the comfort of my home for the time being.

I had felt strange ever since Chaerin left for LA. An eerie feeling stalked me each and every step I took, not allowing me any peace.

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I looked over my shoulder, my home was completely trashed. Plastic bottles and takeaway boxes were scattered on the floor, my bed undone, all of the surfaces covered in dirty clothes, used glasses. A crack house would’ve been 10 times more hospitable than my apartment.

Maybe it was Chae’s sudden departure or maybe I was just exhausted by the useless amount of editing I did for some - now cancelled - DPR projects. A lethal mix of both certainly put me at my knees when it came to my psychological and physical health.

Overworking was my way to keep my mind busy and forcefully kick out any thought regarding her absence. It worked for a while until that day. The blackout.

I could sense a growing tension that took over me the moment I got into a fight with Dabin.

.

I couldn’t believe I had let myself get into those conditions. I was forced to contain my rage and melancholy inside the walls of my house; it was the only way to protect the people around me from my mood swings and irritability and, ultimately rest for a bit. I felt like shit.

With the last ounce of strength in me, I dragged my body over to the bathroom.

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The mirror’s image told me that wasn’t me. That wasn’t Ian. Ian wouldn’t go into hiding in times of need. Ian wouldn’t get into violent fights. He wouldn’t disrespect his friends. That was the worst version of Ian. The scruffy looking hair, the unshaven face, the deep dark under eyes sitting under those dim eyes, the healing bruises on the cheek. I despised what I saw.

weak.

A deep voice started echoing in my head suddenly.

you’re pathetic.

fucking look at yourself.

you look like shit.

I firmly held my head between my hands, my brain felt like imploding in that instant. My hands started trembling out of control. I watched them twitch like crazy, completely powerless over them.

The more I tried to make up the details of my face in the reflection, the blurrier the vision in front of me became.

“Fuck… not again”.

✵

I woke up, strangled by the warmth of my dirty sheets. The stank of cigarettes and whisky choke me, almost making me gag.

“I need to change these”. I immediately thought to myself as I shoved them away from my body.

That persistent headache finally ceased to bother me; its intensity was nothing compared to the one I had the night before.

I slowly turned my head to the right, the blinds cut through the sunlight, just letting a couple of rays penetrate in the dark room as the day was breaking in.

I followed one of the gleams until it hit on tan bare skin.  Someone was lying on the other side of my bed.

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“Wh-“.

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A woman with platinum hair cascading on her pale face was still fast asleep beside me.  

I flinched at the sight of her unfamiliar features and covered my mouth to prevent myself from waking her up.

“Who is this person?” - I thought to myself, as I panicked to get out of bed. I needed to wrap my head around what was happening.

I desperately tried to cling onto the blurry, fleeting memories that vanished in the distance the more I tried to recall them. That now familiar feeling of loss slowly ate away every bit of my sanity.

how did this person end up in my house?

and in my bedroom?

did we…?

I wasn’t one who would hook up with random people. I just wasn’t that type of person.

I was definitely too old for that stuff and yet- a naked woman I didn’t recognize was in my bed.

I just couldn’t resolve the mystery as to where I had possibly met her, I could swear I didn’t step out of my house all week for the fear of hurting someone else. No matter how hard I tried to put together the clues around me, the puzzle was missing too many pieces.

.

maybe she just walked to my place.

what if I downloaded a dating app?

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I frantically looked for my phone under the pillows, the bedsheets, in the drawers of the nightstand. With my face squished against the cold floor I scanned under the bed only to find a pile of random clothes that I then started to go through.

bingo.

There it was, buried under the mountain of dirty garments. I immediately searched for any dating app or messages on my phone to confirm my theory and prove myself I wasn’t actually crazy but to no avail. Of that sort of thing, not a trace.

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“Good morning”.

.

The woman wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear with her raspy morning voice.

I froze in place, my mind going completely blank. Having that huge blackout of events didn’t give me any peace but It wasn’t the time to play detective. I had a complete stranger in my bedroom.

.

“G-good morning”. I forced myself to greet her with a confused smile.

.

She kneeled to get her stuff from the pile of clothes that stood up at my feet and started dressing up. I immediately turned around in shame at the sight of her naked body, my ears were burning red.

“Why are you so shy all of a sudden, oppa?”.

✵

“Come on, don’t be shy oppa!”.

Chae gently pushed a bowl of rice towards the other side of the table, where I was sitting.

“Just eat to your heart’s content”. She flashed her usual bright smile.

“If I'll find myself at the hospital for food intoxication, I will make your name Chae”.

I pointed at the chef with the spoon in my hand and chuckled, I just loved teasing her.

“Don’t be ungrateful and just eat, will ya?”. She pretended to be offended, crossing her arms and such. It was so obvious that she was anxiously waiting for my critique.

Without further ado I picked a spoonful of fried rice and started munching with no particular expectations. Not because I expected her to be a bad cook, I just didn’t want to put my expectations too high only to be left disappointed.

An explosion of flavors mixed and popped in my mouth. The aroma brought me back to when I was a child and my mom used to cook me a simple fried rice dish before leaving to work. Chae’s cooking felt like home.

I slowly nodded my head in satisfaction and licked my lips.

“It’s… meh-…alright”. I teased her again.

“Alright?! Spit what you ate, this instant!”. Chae threatened me with the wooden spoon she just picked up from the table to hit me on the arm.

“CHAE, OUCH, IT HURTS” - I hurriedly took another spoonful and immediately stood up from my seat, fleeing toward the hallway of her apartment.

“COME BACK YOU IDIOT!”. She chuckled.

✵

The annoyingly loud sound of the intercom made me snap back to reality.

.

“Hello? You okay? Someone is outside the door”.

The platinum-haired girl waved her hand in front of me to make sure I was listening to her, which I wasn’t until that moment.

I shook my head and sprinted towards the door.

.

“Come on man, don’t make me buzz for other 5 minutes”. I heard Scott’s stern, yet familiar voice.

I opened the door to find him and Cream on my doorstep, a dead-serious expression plastered on both of their faces. They made their way into my apartment before I could say anything.

“Wait guys I-“.

“Dude, you look like shit”, Cream exhorted, putting his hands at his sides.

Scott looked around my living room, his expression was distorted by a mix of disgust and disappointment as if he walked into a true crime scene.

“What’s up with this Ian? When did you start to smoke legit cigarettes?”.

“Me? You know I don’t smo-“.

He picked an ashtray stacked with cigarette butts from the coffee table and looked back at me with frustration.

“Where does that come from…?”, I muttered under my breath, surprised by the presence of that object in my home.

Cream carefully walked towards the kitchen, almost stumbling in some empty beer cans, “This is so depressing man”, He inspected the empty bottle of what looked like Jack Daniel’s on the messy kitchen counter.

“When did I drink that? Wait guys- “.

“Whoa Ian, are you not going to introduce us to your girl?”.

I widened my eyes at the sight of her; I had forgotten about the stranger in my bedroom for a hot minute.

.

“She’s…”.

.

 A drip of cold sweat dribbled down my forehead as I panicked to recall that person’s name; my mind could only crash into a blank wall.

I paused for an awful lot of time until she interrupted me.

.

“The nerve! How come you can’t even remember my name? After last night…You know what Mito? You’re a jerk”.

.

“W-what?...”.

.

An explosion of pain spread in my left cheek as she slapped me. She then marched directly out of the door, showing me her middle finger as I held my face in agony.

“Man…”, Scott sighed, “I see you’ve been keeping yourself busy lately…”. He pushed aside the stuff occupying the seating surface of the couch and made space for himself.

“Did she just call you? Mito? Ian? Are you into role-playing?”, Cream asked letting out a small laugh.

“Into what?...”.

 “Nevermind”. He heaved a deep sigh and slowly walked towards me, avoiding the trash on the floor like an obstacle course.

I just kept silent. I couldn’t throw a fit again just because I was so burned that I had a complete blackout. I just couldn’t.

“We left you alone for just a week and you managed to turn your pretty apartment into a dumpster”.

“y-yeah…”.

“And the girl? You never told me about that pretty blonde girl, did you? Ian you rascal”. Cream grinned, with a proud smile.

“I- I met her recently I guess…”. I lied, not knowing how to justify myself.

.

Pushing onto his thighs for support, Scott stood up from his seat, “Ian… I know It’s not the best of times for us right now… but hang in there, okay? We’ll get on our feet soon, we do need you though”, He shook my shoulders to make sure I listened to him.

“Yeah sure…”. I just kept nodding.

“You still haven’t talked with Dabin, did you?”.

“I haven’t”. I looked down at the mess in the living room, attempting to avoid his inquisitorial gaze.

.

A raw and unfamiliar beat started playing out of the blue, interrupting Scott’s soon to be scolding.

“Look Scott, Ian actually worked on something”. He redirected his attention towards me with a satisfied smile on his lips.

Scott raised his eyebrow and looked over the laptop, “Have you?”, his eyes went back to me.

“This? No-”

The strained vocals on the track suddenly became an unsettling background to the messed-up scenario.

.

again?

.

 Scott’s scrutinizing gaze felt like a heavy blanket over my body. I could sense the abrupt change of atmosphere, the growing distance between the two of us, the distrust.

“Well, that’s your voice Ian. If not you, who did?”, he smacked his lips.

Cream kept looking around my laptop, “This demo is very aggressive, it’s quite unlike you”, he exhorted.

“I-”.

“I like it, It has character, It’s something different from what you usually write”.

I dashed towards the computer to verify myself.

.

 「 maybeittookover.m4a」 

.

“It happened again huh…”. I murmured under my breath. That was the second time an unknown track appeared on my desktop out of the blue.

“Ian? Are you ok? You’re spacing out- like a lot”, Cream tilted his head at me, “Wait, are you high?”.

“N-no, I’m just really really really tired, that’s all…”.

Scott took a short trip to the bathroom only to throw a towel on my head.

“Wash up, we’re taking you to get a breath of fresh air”.

-

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[darawonplease]

✵ polaris. ch.2 - changes.

Necessary warning.

This fic Is loosely inspired by “So Beautiful” and “5STAR”.

I’m in no way trying to romanticize mental illness. DID is a serious matter and this is just the exploration of the concept treated in the m/v in a fictional way (like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) and in no way an accurate depiction of this disorder. If this makes you uncomfortable, please don’t go further.

a.n. I’ll use all different names for the characters (real name/English name/nickname/stage name), it might get confusing so-

For reference: Barom / Rom / Christian / Ian ✵ Chaerin / Chae / Rin / CL ✵ Dabin / Live ✵ Scott / Rem

✵ ch.2 – changes.

「 ☽ Ian's POV」

“Promise me you know how to ride this thing”.

Chae approached me with uncertain steps.

“Just trust me”. I threw her way the extra helmet I kept in the saddlebag.

She hopped onto my motorcycle and immediately wrapped her hands around me.

“Chaerin? Are you scared by any chance?

I chuckled at her. No matter how fierce her celebrity image was, deep down she was a soft, scaredy-cat.

“I-Ian! Don’t make fun of me, ok? It’s just that I have never done this before”.

“What? You’ve never ridden a motorcycle?”.

She slowly grasped my shirt.

“Never…”.

“There’s always a first time so brace yourself miss”.

I suddenly pushed my foot on the accelerator.

“IAN!”.

.

Seoul city opened before our eyes, the bright neon and LEDs becoming flashes of color in the distance.

A rush of adrenaline kicked in my bloodstreams; riding my much-loved motorcycle was a way to escape – although shortly – from all my troubles.

She rested her head on my back, gently.

“You alright?!”. I shouted in the shy hope she’d hear my voice in the roaring of the vehicle.

Chae remained silent, only holding me closer to her.

I didn’t hesitate a second and took the road that brought us back to DPR’s studio and parked the motorcycle under the building.

“Oi… I didn’t wanna force you to do this, I’m sorry”. I hopped off after her.

Chae removed the black helmet and shook her head, making the silky silver hair fall over her shoulders.

“That was rad, let’s do it again sometime”.

She flashed her best smile at me, leaving my poor self completely smitten by her excitement.

“Oh, you guys went for a ride?”.

I turned around; Dabin was leaning beside the entrance door with both hands in his black hoodie front pocket, the brooding aura he emanated was quite unlike him.

“Yeah…”. I scratched the back of my head; the hint of tension in the atmosphere stiffened me.

“Man, take me with you next time!”. He cackled – his eyes disappearing in two small half-moons as he patted my back repeatedly. Dabin’s sudden mood switch took me so aback that I froze in place with a confused smile on my lips.

“You two are such lovebirds”. Chae wrapped her hands around both of us, embracing all three in a warm group hug.

“Yeah, my Ian-nie Hyung, come kiss me”.

“Oh, come here Dabin-i”.

“Get a room”. Chae rolled her eyes jokingly.

.

✵

.

“Ian”. Scott called for my attention, waving the pen he furiously kept clicking during the call.

“Huh?”.

“You spazzed out”.

“I’m just tired. What’s up?”. I ran my hand through my hair to fix the long lock hanging in front of my eyes.

“Their producer just told me on the phone…”, he heaved a long sigh, “they decided to cancel the shooting”.

“This too?”.

“Apparently”. Scott drowned his face in his palm in resignation.

“How the fuck are we going to fund our projects if we keep going like this?”.

“Christian”, he moved closer to me with the swivel chair and rest his hand on my shoulder to, hopefully, reassure me. “I’ll find some other gig to keep us afloat”.

“This WAS the gig we needed to keep us afloat”. I stood up from my seat, abruptly pushing away his hand away from me.

Dabin barged into the recording room, “Did you guys hear the news? The producer just canceled the project”.

“We ALREADY fucking know, Dabin”. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

“What’s with this attitude man?”.

Scott glared at him and shook his head, silently begging him to refrain from responding anymore.

I reached for the leather jacket still plopped onto the chair and headed towards the exit door.

Dabin narrowed his eyes, “Where are you going?”.

“Home”.

“What?”.

Scott grabbed Dabin by his shoulder to stop him from coming after me, but I had already slammed the door before I could see his reaction.

“What the hell is wrong with him?”.

“He’s been like that all day, just leave him be”.

Their voices followed me through the hallways as I made my way out of the building.

.

✵

.

I gripped the handlebar some more, fighting the increasing tingling spreading in my palms and that slowly rode up my arms. I gripped it strong enough to make the last turn before stopping the motorcycle on a moist green patch at the side of the road, leading to the province. I sat beside the vehicle; the stars were roof for my tired body. The chilly night stung my skin with frozen needles.

I reached for air with my trembling hands, trying to grasp something that wasn’t there.

where are you…?

why is everything I built going to shit?

The huge weight on my chest became heavier and heavier as if it wanted to drag my body underground and through hell. I knocked three times on my chest but the ache wouldn’t stop.

why am I so powerless?

Why do I feel like drifting away?

A faint buzzing sound filled my ears in an instant becoming an agonizing strident noise in seconds.

.

✵

.

tic

tic

tic

The constant dripping of freezing water droplets woke me up from what felt like an endless slumber. My body immediately started to tremble as a result of my clothes being drenched wet.

The light made my eyes retire in darkness, I slowly tried to open them again to get used to the faint white glow.

It took me a minute to realize I was sitting against the glass wall of the shower. The water kept falling on my shoulder, drop by drop, relentlessly. Just like every little piece of bad news, every insignificant obstacle, every bad feeling I bottled had just exploded, drowning me. Drop by drop.

I crawled out of the shower, begging my legs to sustain my bloody self. I pressed my hand against the glass wall for support as I tried to finally stand up when a glimpse of crimson red made me immediately turn my head: my knuckles were bruised and sore.

“Who are you? I can’t even recognize you anymore”.

A strained voice echoed in my head as fuzzy images flashed before my eyes, chaotic, unrelated, tangled. I squeezed my eyes, mentally rewinding the events of yesterday evening but finding nothing.

I shook my head and proceeded to crawl out of the bathroom, leaving a wet path behind me like a snail.

I turned towards the living room, a song I didn’t know was playing louder and louder as I stepped towards the couch, where my laptop was.

“What’s this?”. I looked at the file’s name.

.

「 imalwaysnear.m4a」

.

“What the hell?”. The sound of my voice suddenly appeared on the aggressive track, rough and strained. It sounded like me but it also felt like someone else’s.

“When did I record this?”. I mumbled, clicking on the file details to uncover the mystery.

“How come…”.

I squinted my eyes.

.

「 Created: Tuesday, October 27, 2020, 4:44AM 」

.

“It must’ve been…me? Yesterday night?”.

I quickly patted the coffee table to find my phone amidst all the mess, its brightness instantly blinding me.

It was already noon, I had received several audio messages from Scott; He was probably mad at me for disappearing so out of the blue the other day.

I gathered the courage to get scolded and played all of them as I made my way towards the bedroom. I placed the phone on the nightstand and listen half-heartedly to Scott’s voice while I searched for a fresh new outfit.

.

“Ian… I don’t know how to say this. I know it’s been a rough couple of months for us… for you. But what happened yesterday with Dabin was truly alarming. I never made you a violent person. You know I love you man…whatever happens. Just know we’re here for you if you need to talk it out. I hope you’ll apologize to him when you’ll feel ready. He’s okay by the way, just a couple of bruises. Just call me when you feel like it”.

.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror and noticed a cut crossing through the bridge of my nose bridge and bruised cheek.

.

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[darawonplease]

The rush.

The one that makes you wish you had three or four copies of you running around to get all finished.

The one that makes you live three completely different lives in the span of one.

A rush so good it reminds you how good it is to inhale the icy winter air until it stings your lungs.

I fed off of that rush, wondering if it would last.

✵ ch. 6 – maybe it took over.

「 ☾ Ian's POV?」

I finally took time to admire the everchanging colours of the sky: the warm sunrise that scanned time gradually became a pale shade of purple.

Routinely morning runs made me immune to the frigid November weather.

Nothing was better than clearing my thoughts with the view of the deserted shores of Han River, a feeling only rivalled by a motorbike ride.

I’ve always thought that being too busy was better than having too much time to overthink.

.

I brushed my hair up with my fingers to improve my focus. They had reached the point in which they almost became a hassle. I had almost convinced myself to cut them, just like some girls do after a breakup, but somehow it felt right to keep.

.

On a thin balance between peace and adrenaline, the oxymoron between the two statuses just made sense to me. That’s what I was on for a month.

Once on a streak, nothing could stop me.

I was high on life.

.

✵ ✵ ✵

.

“You’re early today too!”, Cream shouted from the studio entrance.

Admittedly, the neon yellow running shoes lying at the front door immediately gave out my presence.

.

Quietly, he took place beside me, curiosity getting the best out of him as he spied on the open project on my monitor.

“Put them on, I worked on this piece last night”, I handed him the black headphones as I checked the workspace one last time before playing the track.

.

With melody and lyrics already engraved in my brain, I limited myself to analyzing Cream’s subtle change in expressions, trying to get the most subtle hints of feedback.

.

His head surfed on the rhythm, not skipping a beat, proving again, how much of a musical genius he was.

“This is the song that gave you a hard time for months, right?”.

“That’s her”, I replied.

“I almost failed to recognize it, it’s been a long time. Didn’t think you’d manage to complete it, you’re finally out of your slump I se-“, Cream bit his lower lip, realizing he should’ve cut himself off sooner.

He perfectly knew how sensitive I was when talking about the creative block I suffered upon our return from Santorini.

“Well…Ian, that’s crazy good”, he removed the headphones from his ears, clearing his voice to dilute the slight tension in the air.

“What if we added an orchestra part, here and here”, I pointed out at the track timeline on the bright screen.

.

A firm knock stopped the creative flow that was about to be freed in the humble little studio.

Scott’s familiar figure appeared behind the tinted glass door.

“Sorry to bother you guys. The clients are here”.

.

✵

.

“Now, we could include some flashes of colours between this scene and the pool one to give more visual interest. Blue represents solitude and red expresses the passionate memories of him and his lovers”, I walked back and forth in front of the large slideshow projected on the wall behind me.

“That’s interesting. Keep developing the storyboard with this logic in mind then. We’ll brief next week to get started on the production If you agree”.

The lights turned on and the client representative gave us a gentle nod before exiting the conference room.

.

Scott appeared in the corner of my eye with a pleased grin plastered on his face.

“Believe it or not but they’ve rejected all of our inputs before you took on the project”, he started to gather and organize the various storyboards scattered around the long white conference table.

I glanced at him, reactionless.

“Well done Ian, that’s what I meant”.

.

✵ ✵ ✵

.

Things finally seemed to fall in place before my eyes.

The flashes and memories of the old Ian had to be just that, fleeting visions I soon planned to remove.

A cage. The four walls I called home became that, a place I was constantly reminded of the old me.

The Christian who’s a loser, who’s weak, who relies on others to stay afloat.

That’s why I tried to stay out of it whenever I could.

“What a useless fucker”.

I locked him in the past, dissociating myself from his failure and feeding onto the pity I felt for him to strive further.

.

✵✵✵

.

The pub’s invasive music had started to sound a bit like white noise.

Somehow, I managed to escape to a safe haven, the nasty bathroom at the back of the pub.

I washed my face in front of the yellow tinted mirror. There, a proud grin plastered on my lips I just couldn’t remove. Satisfaction took the form of a proud unremovable smirk on my lips.

.

But something was missing. The night would’ve been wasted having to drag Cream home.

The dimples behind her back became a constant image at the back of my brain like an intrusive thought.

.

[you]

You up?

I wanna see you.

.

I had to admit, seeing my messages pile up one on top of another without reply hurt my ego, just a little.

“Ian, come here! Get your shot, quick”, Dabin nudged at me, taking me back to the table’s conversation.

.

“To DPR’s rise from ashes!”, Scott raised a toast and we followed closely, loud glass clinking left and right.

.

By surprise, I felt his hand wrapping around my shoulder, as a comradery gesture.

“I want to personally thank Christian for working extra hard, I’m grateful a great mind like you is on our team. It’s great to have you back”.

“Yes!”. “Well done!”.  “You’re the man Ian!”.

A choir of unanimous agreement rose up. I was surrounded by genuine smiles and validation.

.

The bitter liquor went down smoothly like water, I posed the shot glass onto the mahogany counter.

“Have you guys heard from Chae?”. Scott’s seemingly harmless question completely changed the direction of the conversation.

“I haven’t heard from her since our trip in Greece”, Dabin was the first to answer.

Scott slid his phone across the table, the bold title of the article took up one third of the bright screen.

.

“CL CONFIRMS DEPARTURE FROM ** ENTERTAINMENT”.

.

I immediately thought about the calls I ignored with such ease and shut my lips tight.

“I’m sure she left for LA so urgently to have one last fighting chance”, the expression under Scott’s baseball cap darkened.

“She must be devastated…”.

“I’ll get going guys”, I announced.

“You always leave when things just get started…”, Cream whined.

“Is it because of diner girl?”.

Dabin paused for a second, waiting for the reaction he hoped to cause.

The imperceptible grin under my wisp couldn’t escape his vigil eyes.

He continued, “It is! Yeah guys, leave him celebrate in his girl’s warm embrace!”.

.

I made my way out in the middle of the mixed reactions Dabin provoked.

.

✵

.

The first signs of intoxication appeared with the wobbly sidewalk under my feet.

“Damn, you look rough”.

“Oh, do I?”, I raised an eyebrow at the girl sitting on the sidewalk, just a couple of feet further from me.

To me, it seemed like she didn’t lift her eyes from me once since I crossed the exit doors of the place.

“Want water? You look like someone who might need some”.

“Thanks”.

.

Disheartened, I lit the cigarette between my lips as I waited for the girl with green sheets to reply.

“Hey!”, the girl with the striped sweater called for my attention, miming an ignited lighter as she kept the filter of the cigarette she was rolling in the corner of her mouth.

“Here, sure”. My throw was destined to miss the target, which was her hand forming a cup.

Like a volley player, she threw herself all the way towards the flying object, risking having the cold pavement as a safety net.

“Nice throw dude”, she mocked me before huffing.

I glanced again at the phone for the last time.

“Dude, she’s not into you. Cheer up, there’s no reason to be sad for a girl”.

My lack of reaction probably prompted her to change subject.

“I’m keeping this, by the way. Seems like a fair exchange to me”.

“Fair exchange? For that sip of water?”.

“Actually, it’s unfair. You needed the water waay more than I need this lighter”.

A more than satisfied grin made an appearance on her smug face, causing me to scoff.

.

“Ian? I thought you were gone”.

Dabin’s red beanie entered my vision as I turned towards the entrance.

“I’m going over to my friends, nice to meet you, Ian”, she shook the metal zippo, to mock me again before getting swallowed into the young crowd in front of the venue.

.

Dabin quietly peered at the lighter thief and subtly tilted his head on the side, as if in deep thought.

“I swear I’ve seen her before…”, he mumbled.

.

He sat at my feet, on the cold sidewalk. A small cloud of vapor rose as he softly coughed and rubbed his hand together to fight November’s night breeze.

“Do you still remember when we used to dance in the middle of the street?”.

“How can I forget that Dabin…”.

“I used to be such a dumb kid who just moved to Korea. I knew nobody. I felt so lonely”.

“Dabin…”.

“Thank you for being there for me”.

.

✵✵✵

.

The ticking kept going on, mentally keeping me on my toes despite my relaxed appearance.

My throat choked up on the stagnant air of scrapped ideas and rejected drafts.

.

“What are you doing here at this hour?”

Scott struck me with a look of disapproval, but beneath it lied a hint of concern.

“You’re kind of worrying me, Christian. It’s like you don’t go home to sleep anymore”, he continued.

“I just can’t seem to satisfy those motherfuckers”. I finally replied to him.

“I told you, let’s see it together first thing in the morning”, he carefully approached me.

“No. I have to finish this”, my body shielded the monitor from Rem’s advance.

“What you really HAVE to do, is get some sleep. Come on, I’ll drive you home”.

“YOU CAN’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND”.

.

Red streaks filled my vision, and as I blinked away, I saw it.

My hand had Scott’s collar in a grip.

.

“What? Are you going to punch me just like you did with Dabin? Go on. Do so. I won’t simply let it slide as he did”.

I smashed him against the window cabinet, the same cabinet we so painstakingly filled with meaningful props, proofs of our achievements as a team.

Everything crashed down disastrously, years of joy and disappointment buried under the broken shards, now tinted with crimson red.

.

His body dropped heavily as soon as I released the painful grip.

“Just… who are you? I can’t even recognize you Ian”, he didn’t dare look at me.

The answer lied between the glass fragments at my feet; a glimpse of my broken reflection was enough to finally realize it.

“I’m not him”.

.

I slumped against the door, holding the broken bearbrick the DPR guys and Chaerin gifted me for Christmas in my bruised hands.

“What If I go back to the old me tomorrow, what if I leave you on your own again? What If I become useless?”, my nervous fingers let go of the wrecked gift.

“Ian...let’s go home”, Scott implored in between painful groans.

I need to finish that before I…”, I stood up and staggered towards the blurry light of the monitor.

.

“BAROM! REPLY TO ME! OPEN YOUR EYES, COME ON!”.

.

I still can’t seem to remember exactly what happened after the loud thud.

No matter how much I tried to forget you in the past six months.

I just know that as my eyes filled with darkness, I followed a light.

And that light was you, Chaerin-i.

.

✵

.

A high only feels good when it doesn’t last long. Elated, you’re on top of the world. You’re capable of everything.

Then comes the aftermath.

With no warning, the very thing that brought you up so high, drops you into the pits of Earth.

Good luck coming out of it.

.

.

a.n. It took me long enough but it’s here. I must say that the biggest enemy I faced was myself. And although it isn’t coming out as I wished at the very start, I learned to appreciate this fic, with all its flaws and pretty words. This chapter in particular had three or four different drafts that absolutely crushed me. Haha

Hope you like it!

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