#chrisevansdaughter mental health talk :)

[chrisevansdaughter]

I’m ranting again

tw; sexism, talks of trauma, panic attacks, anxiety, depressed

It really is mentally exhausting to me that I made it though the first bit of my apprenticeship, and I have the certificate to prove it, yeah it’s only the first long mentally challenging time of many but I still have moments when I sit there and think. “ how did I actually do it” because I honestly couldn’t tell you the last 2 months were a blank i shut them out, like the many negative experiences I had. They stay in their own little box - with all of the other negative experiences and traumas I’ve had. My family don’t even know the half of it. “Working in a men’s world” really couldn’t be more true until your working in it.

I can wholeheartedly say I was depressed for some of my time on base away from home, I was isolated because I was the only female on the course - in my own room, yeah don’t get me wrong sometimes it’s was nice but it wasn’t good for me mentally. When the lads would say “I wish I had my own room it must be nice” yeah I would agree but I’d find myself saying “no you really don’t want that, I’d rather deal with petty arguments than be on my own”.

Within the first month of being on the second bass I’d been on since I started the technical side of the course. I had s*x jokes made about me, I was still underage. Rather I’d barely just turned 18, these were by people I was going to work with when shit hit the fan, I had indirect sexist remarks made about me by one particular lad, who to be honest no one liked because he was horrible. After the first few times with the s*x jokes it stopped and the lads realised, I wasn’t going anywhere and I could give as good as I could take.

I had my fair share of times where I’d cry in the toilets whilst we were in class or working on the workshop floor, I’d have panic attacks when I got back from work, I’d have to hold the tears in whilst I made the long walk (which I don’t miss) back to my room. There was one time I was literally sobbing in tears so badly on the phone to my mum I vividly remember saying “ I’m done, fuck this I’m not cut out for this. I’m not doing it anymore I’m going to *bosses name’s* office and saying I want to leave, I don’t care if I have to give them a months notice.”

In that moment, it was the one time out of my whole 6 months there, it was what we call a cutting it close moment that I really don’t like to talk about.

When it was the last two weeks of the course, I had to retake so many exams, because I’m not exactly the best person at putting pen to paper, let it be an oral exam I’m there 100%.

If it wasn’t for the staff that literally I owe my career to, I would’ve never been stood with the boys on the 7th of July. I would’ve had to relive the last 6 months all over again.

I’m not going to say I had a good time there, but I can say I’ve made positive memories that outweigh the negatives. However that’s going to stick with me for the rest of my life because it’s not something I can just forgot about.

For now it’s locked in Pandora’s box like the rest of my trauma.

This is why I can’t thank some of moots enough and my sister too, because you all really drew stars around my scars

@buckybarnesandmarvel @anotherfuckingmarvelfanaccount @ace-of-gay @haleyhunwritingss @reginaphalange2403 @harley-d @lilacevans @velvetcloxds @f10werfae @jessybarnes @astrorogers 🫶🏻

[chrisevansonly]

Waves

Chris Evans x Female Reader

Summary: After a long few weeks, your anxiety had built up which only contributed to your lack of sleep, so when you try and get some much needed rest, your brain doesn’t help and sends you into a panic 

Warnings: anxiety, talks of mental health, insomnia, soft ending

A/N: I wrote this for my sweet bean @chrisevansdaughter I did change it a little since I usually don’t write Chris fics with a younger sibling, I tried to make it as comforting as possible so I hope this helps. I am always here to talk to anyone whenever you need, I want to provide a safe space for you to seek a friend or just some comfort! <3

Word Count: 849

The past few weeks had been absolute hell, from working piling up, your mental health taking a decline due to the cloudy grey days that January brought with it, you were exhausted, physically, and emotionally. You’d never had an easy time sleeping, but now it was even worse due to the constant battle your brain gave you every day, it’s almost comical how you hadn’t been able to catch a break for a while. I guess that’s why you opted to bury yourself in blankets on the couch in yours and Chris’s living room, calling off work for the next two weeks in an attempt to get a hold of yourself. 

The fire was on under the TV and a few reruns of your favourite show were on which helped to give you some level of comfort as your anxiety picked up. The more you watched he TV, and the warmer your body got, you felt yourself start to drift off. You desperately needed sleep, but having nightmares often followed the rest you begged for, so after fighting it for a little bit, you eventually fell asleep. 

All you could hear was constant screaming and loud noises as you looked around frantically, it was like you were paralyzed in your nightmare and couldn’t move. It must have been a few hours of sleep you’d managed to get before you shot up, gasping for air, a pair of hands finding your cheeks and holding you steady 

“Hey, hey, hey…breathe honey…it’s okay, I’m here”

“I-I..s-so loud”

Chris looked at you with concern as tears started to fall down your cheeks, his thumbs catching some of them as they fell 

“You’re okay, you’re safe…did you have another nightmare?”

You nodded your head, hands moving to hold his wrists almost as if to check if he was really right in front of you, closing your eyes to take a few deep breaths, Chris sending gentle praise your way until you opened your eyes again to look at him

“It was the same one…I just wanted to s-sleep, and i’m so tired”

He nodded listening to you as you spoke 

“I even called off work for two weeks because they w-won’t give me a break, I just need a break Chris”

Chris could feel his heartbreak seeing his girl so exhausted, the sound of pure burnout evident in her voice, wishing he could snap his fingers and make everything better, so for now he opted to get up onto the couch and cuddle in beside you, bringing you to his chest and letting you lay your tired body against his

“Okay sweet girl, tell you what, the next two weeks we’re gonna spend some time just you and me, we’ll figure out how to help you sleep easier, maybe take a trip with Dodger up to the cabin for a few days to get away from the city? Whatever you need to feel better, I’ll support and help you in any way I can”

Before you could answer, Dodger had shown up obviously hearing his name, and took his place on the couch, opting to lay on your lap, the pressure helping to ease some of the anxiety you still felt 

“Hi bub…you heard your name huh?”

The pup looked at you with his big brown eyes as you rubbed a hand over the fur on his head, no doubt sensing your discomfort and wanting to help in any way he could 

“I like the sound of that…I think just spending time the three of us will help”

Chris pressed a few kisses to your temple while his arms tightened around you, adding another layer of safety for your mind that had now begun to quiet down 

“Alright, so you let me figure everything out, and I’ll take care of it all, we’re gonna get you feeling better in no time, I love you, I hope you know that, and I am so proud of you”

Blinking back another round of tears you lifted your head away from his chest to place a kiss on his lips

“I love you too, always, thanks for taking such good care of me…”

He smiled tucking you back against him and pulling the blankets up over your shoulder, Dodger moving to get more comfortable too

“I will always do whatever I can to help you feel your best, no matter what life throws at you, no matter how high the waves get, I will always be here to help you through it.”

For the first time in a few days, you were able to feel nothing but the calm and quiet your boys and home brought you. It was going to be a long road of getting you the support and help you needed, but Chris was going to be there every step of the way. He wouldn’t leave you stranded, and he sure as hell wouldn’t leave you to face these challenges alone. As long as he had you in his arms, he’d do his absolute best to keep you safe, and protected…and Dodger would too.

[chrisevansdaughter]

Guys I’m going to apologise in advance, as most of you probably know I start my job in the navy early December and coming to turns with it is an extremely emotional and mentally exhausting experience for me and my family more me because it’s causing arguments. So I don’t know how much I’ll get done fic writing wise for the rest of the month, however I am happy to do small blurb like asks for any of my parings.

Just so you guys don’t miss out because I know I’ve been lacking in content. I just feel like I’m disappointing everyone including the amazing support I have on here and in real life. I just trying to get everything done and I know it’s taking so long so I just wanted to give a reason as to why and not make it seem like I’m picking and crossing asks I will get rind to all of them hopefully before I leave ❤️

Once again I’m sorry and I absolutely am so so grateful for all of you on here, and I seriously cannot thank you all enough for the endless support and encouragement <3

[chrisevansdaughter]

A chris hug rn.

That’s it. That’s all I need.

[chrisevansdaughter]

Rant- weight is mentioned, surgery is mentioned and a shit family dynamic is mentioned.

I feel like having family that complain when you say your not hungry but then complain but tell you the calories too and make comments about you when you do eat and how you look is such a toxic cycle and the whole reason I am how I am with food and my body because I was the fat kid and now I’m not it’s just still a stressful cycle to the point I avoid eating with my family or around them because it’s the little digs about everything. I’m self conscious of my eyes because I had double squint surgery when I was younger and it hasn’t really stayed very well in my left eye so when I’m tired it goes and that is one of the things that we do joke about but then just isn’t funny when it’s mentioned all the time and I hate my family for it. But then “I’m too moody” or “I complain too much” or it’s “I’m sick of your complaining” about anything when I say it’s gone too far and I’m sick of it :(

Sorry guys I just needed to rant about this because it’s always happening and I’m annoyed and I’m just numb to it now but still love you all 🙂

[chrisevansdaughter]

what’s wrong hun?🤍

hey lovey sorry for replying to this late, I’m just a bit confused and numb at my emotions right now and I’m coming to terms that I’m leaving my childhood home etc and my family for a career I’ve wanted. But I do a youth group type thing that has a hierarchy and I’m one of the seniors so to speak I’ve been there for 7 years almost 8 and now I’m leaving I feel like I’m a bit indispensable to everyone like and some people aren’t doing what they should and that’s a whole other story but I’m just so bad at recognising my emotions because of certain situations and traumas I’ve been though so I’m just ‘meh’ right now or this is the best way I could describe it ‘🫥’.

Because sometimes I get imposter syndrome where I basically feel like I shouldn’t be living the life I have or why me in that situation type thing and because I don’t let go it bullies up and I don’t know how to let it out properly like I can in little micro bits but not massively, because I don’t really talk to my family or my parents that much. Like me and my mum had a conversation with my sister in the car, about if anything ever happens to me, god forbid my mum gets a phone call and she said she’d hang up because she wouldn’t believe it because that’s what they do if something happens in the forces and stuff and it’s just really starting to hit me quite a lot too now more so than before because I’ve got a new nephew to come back to I’ve got more family and I’m leaving what I’ve known behind and I don’t what it’s going to be like when I’m back. I wouldn’t say I’ve got an unstable life but it’s not as stable in someways that it could like how I’m uprooting my life to move to the other end of the country, and it feels like people are already acting like I’m gone so :/.

Sorry for the long rant guys but I love you all so so much 🫶🏻

[chrisevansdaughter]

I swear I will start writing again I’ve just been struggling with a really bad migraine that I’ve just gotten over but I do think it’s coming back and I’ve been struggling to sleep too for ages, so I will get to it all I just need to get in the headspace first not to mention the day I had the panic attack earlier or rather anxiety attack I’ve felt it coming for days but now it’s finally hit so I’m just feeling tired but I can’t sleep.

So any recommendations would be great :) for melatonin etc 💭

[chrisevansdaughter]

So you know how I said I was okay earlier… yeah someone got a bit close to me personal space wise and I got uncomfortable and had a panic attack ✌🏻

So now I wanna to curl into a ball and go cuddle my dog :/

[chrisevansdaughter]

HEYYY LOVEEE

HOW ARE YOU TODAYYY

HOW DID THE APPOINTMENT GO???

How are you feelinggg? Anything interestinggg??

Hey love! I’m taking it slow today not feeling too good after my rant last night (x) if you could even call it that.

My appointment unfortunately I couldn’t donate because I had my vaccines for my job last month I have to wait 4 weeks on one of them before I can give anything really annoying to be honest because no one told me and I was literally 2 days out from the month period being over. But they were really nice about it as always and I asked all the questions I needed to regardless so I’m gonna try next week.

I’m feeling a bit meh today I feel like it’s definitely gonna be a stay in my room in my environment type thing til later because I’m a bit stressed and tired and annoyed.

tw: weight talk now because I’ve been stressed and struggling a little I’ve gained weight a little bit more than I’d like it’s probably just because I missed out on meds, haven’t been to the gym as much as I’d like etc etc but since my medical i passed for my job which is the most expensive piece of paper I’ve ever bought I’ve gained well over 2 kg so I’m not saying gaining is a bad thing it just makes me feel more ‘eh’ when it’s noticeable because I was finally comfortable in my body but it is what it is for now so :).

I think i might try and write today but there is absolutely no guarantee because I only want to put out the best content in the best mind set I can, 2 of my asks are quite similar to (x) so I might write it in a different way something to do with school or change it up. Or just write a small little thing I say that I’ll write small headcannons and they turn in to full fics but it’s okay, so any ideas for small Drabble or headcannons would be appreciated but there is no guarantee they’ll be done today :)

Also any recommendations for comfort fluff fics with reader maybe not feeling too good would be appreciated 🫶🏻

[chrisevansdaughter]

So I’m gonna be slowly doing the fic tonight I’m just a bit emotional because of this tiktok (x) it is on my tiktok so i guess it’s a face reveal and a name reveal too - so I’ll post it as soon as I can it’s just been an emotional night :) love you all 🫶🏻

[chrisevansdaughter]

My tiny demon, being the anxiety in my body has decided to manifest in ✨imposter✨ style where I just feel icky and numb I guess 🤌🏻🤌🏻 I’m home tomorrow so it’s fine but still it’s not because I’ve been go go go 🥲

oh yeah that imposter style being “I don’t deserve to be here and be in the place I am”

[chrisevansdaughter]

So um some of you will be confused on how you can’t reply to the comments on my face reveal, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s too soon to show my face and to the people who’ve commented and complemented me I love you so so much, but I don’t really take them well or just I struggle with accepting them.

So anyway here i am crying a little writing this because I feel bad but that just my brain but still thank you all for being so kind always 🫶🏻

[chrisevansdaughter]

Really be feeling like this mentally rn, I haven’t eaten anything today, but the only thing I seem to be good at is sleep

[chrisevansdaughter]

I’ve just had a trip infused drink and I am so relaxed even though I’m out on my own in public 10/10

[chrisevansdaughter]

I want to cry so bad that I might just cry so no one complains that I just moan about everything.

[chrisevansdaughter]

So my favourite leggings ripped in the thigh area because mine rub together because big thighs and I’ve never been a smaller size, and I’m actually sad about it because they make me feel good and my mum just said even though I said it’s not the size ‘haven’t you thought about a bigger size because they clearly don’t fit’. Now I know it’s just her ‘helping’ but I’m not happy with my body on a good day bit i guess it is what it is :)

Hope you’re all doing good and having a good day 🫶🏻