#clay really be like 'this kid needs a friend. guess ill do it'

[dreamsy990]

my hand slipped-

i know canonically they didnt meet but in my heart clay and baby athena were friends

[a-jynx]

:0 uh more Dream smp stuff?? cause y’all liked the other one??? (Georgenotfound edition & kinda long)

being Dream’s sister was rough already so imagine how tough life gets when you start dating one of his besties???

you met george through dream - obviously - and well.. putting it kindly, you hated each other. I mean, HATED each other! It always became a rivalry between you two, shooting down one another’s video ideas and never compromising until Sap or Dream stepped in.

“why do you hate him?” dream groaned as he watched you dislike ANOTHER Georgenotfound video. you glanced up at your freakishly tall brother before scoffing

“because he’s a spoilt brat and.. and he shouldn’t expect everyone to grovel like you do.” you scoffed, as Dream groaned, scrubbing his hands over his face.

“y/n,”

“nope, nuh-uh you green tellatubby i’m not befriending him.”

“you’ve been hanging out with techno and tommy on discord too much.. Anyway, just.. please TRY and get along with him? at least pretend for a little bit - the fans get all protective and will baby him before they defend you..” dream’s voice trailed as he sat next to you, making you huff.

“ofc they’d baby him.. and it’ll be fine - I’ll be fine, Clay! I’m a big kid, some trolls on the internet won’t upset me.” you grinned, wrapping an arm around your little brother’s shoulders. he rolled his eyes before poking his index into your ribs, causing you to yelp.

“okay, but i warned you and i’ll try and help if stuff gets too much, okay? remember you’re my sister.. i still worry about you.”

“okay, don’t get sappy you waking tree! we have a stream to start,”

which lead to now.. A Geoguesser and Jack Box stream with the Dream Team ft. y/nwasnttaken - it started out awesome! The chat was having a blast having their boys stream, the guys were happy to be streaming, and you were having a great time.. until George came after you for guessing the wrong country..

“seriously, y/n?? you were, like, a million miles away!” george snorted as sap and dream joined in the laughter, you sighed before faking a short laugh.

“please, you usually suck at this game and it was one bad guess while you’ve been guessing wrong foe the past five minutes.” you couldn’t hold back the slight venom in your voice as the discord grew an awkward silence as chat began to grumble about the sudden change in atmosphere.

“chill, y/n/n, i don’t think George had an real issue, right Gogy?” sap nervously chuckled, he knew just as well as dream that for some reason you and george were always at one another’s throat.

“yeah, i had to ill intent, it’s called playful banter, y/n lighten up, honey,”

“is this just go after y/n day or what? i don’t mean to be an asshole but you’ve been after me the entire stream! and maybe the fans and you guys don’t care, but it’s hard to act like im not affected by you constantly bashing me and then laughing when dream or sap - or even yourself - get it wrong!” you grew quiet once your piece was out in the air, your heart was pounding against your ribs and you felt like you were going to be sick. “i..”

“y/n/n,”

“no! no, it’s… im just going to go, you guys have a good stream.” you quickly exited the discord call, closing out of all your tabs and leaving yourself to stare at your shrunk form.. oh shit..

you grabbed your phone and opened Twitter, a mistake honestly, it was already trending.. clips, screenshots, and the #nightmareofasibling in the US. you gawked at the screen - tapping the hashtag, you should’ve listened to Dream..

‘i knew they were lousy but my god it’s a game..’

‘they always act like they’re better when they aren’t, poor gogy 💔😔’

‘i feel bad for dream and sapnap - they have to live with that 😳’

‘@y/nwasnttaken you disgust me and i can’t believe they even tolerate you. rot’

each @, each tweet was one wishing for your demise or saying that the dream team deserves better. maybe they’re right but you had a right to stand up for yourself! sure.. it was a over a geoguesser game but dealing with that for an hour in a half, anyone would be tired of it.

tears were already starting to drip as you hastily wiped at your cheeks, attempting to keep the water works at bay. it got harder when a ping went off from your phone, indicting another tweet was made at you. even with your blurred vision you frowned as @GeorgeNotFound popped up.

‘Regarding the stream, I do not hate y/n. Nor do I want hate sent to them. I will not tolerate any of my fans hating on one of my friends, it was partly my fault for antagonize them.

I care for them deeply and I hope they know how sorry I actually feel and the guilt rushing through me while I write this. I hope you can forgive me, sweets.. @y/nwasnttaken’

you hiccuped a laugh, a small smile breaking across your lips. you liked the tweet before heading to discord to find your messages had been blown up - Niki, Wilbur, and George had sent you multiple messages asking how you were. Selecting George’s messages, you grinned..

‘y/n?? hey come back to the stream’

‘i was kidding, come on, this is how we work..’

‘okay, i’m starting to get freaked out cause you’re not answering and twitter is spamming- shit i need to fix’

the messages had stopped for a few minute before a small video was sent, showing george in his recording room.

“y/n i’m honestly really sorry, it was dumb of me to keep poking at you when you looked and sounded like you didn’t like it - it’s just.. that’s how we’ve always been! i just.. please message me when you can? i know dream’s already pissed at me, and sap won’t stop threatening me to fix this now - even though they laughed too - BESIDES the point… just message me soon?” he sheepishly sent the camera a small smile, his cheeks and nose a slight red. you couldn’t help but roll your eyes before quickly typing him.

‘y’know i have half a mind to be pissed at you, but.. i’m sorry too. i should’ve have blown up at you or the others, especially on stream.. can - can we hop on call and sort this out?’

Gogster is typing… Popped up instantly, making a smile flash across your face. Suddenly a call chimed in, making you jump slightly before clearing your throat and answering the video call.

“Y/N!! Oh my god, you answered- ah, i’m so sorry I just, teasing each other and acting like we hate each other was always our act and I know i pushed it too far on stream,” George continued to ramble as you shook your head.

“George, Gogy you’re rambling..” you mumbled as he looked back at the camera, clearing his throat with a sheep smile on his face.

“uh, sorry.. look, can we just.. try again?” he muttered as you broke into a dazzling smile.

“we can, but I still get to call you Gogster..”

George broke into a loud laugh, you joining in with his contagious giggle. He nodded, clearing his throat again as he sighed gently.

“That’s all i ask, y/n.. but can i tell you something? dream and sap have been nagging me for the last couple of months to mention this..” His voice trailed as you nodded, rolling your shoulders and sinking further into your chair.

“i may not get along with you, British brat.. but you can always talk to me,” you smirk as George coughs out a laugh, shaking his head as you broke into a grin.

“you’re jealous that I have a hot accent, but seriously.. i.. Y/N I’ve liked you for a while and I’d like for us to try,” his voice trailed out as you blinked, staring at the dark brunette before giggling.

“i.. i actually have a trip coming up, to come see Niki and Wilbur.. I wouldn’t mind adding another person.” You trailed, sheepishly glancing at George as a large smile broke across his face, making you giggle as he quickly nods and laughs.

“Wait, really?! But- But we always- We.. Oh my gosh!” safe to say.. George was at a lost for words and you couldn’t help but be excited for these next two weeks to fly by..

and ofc dream and drista and sap made bets - dream bet you guys would date because of drama, drista just bet that you’d go on a date but would want to kill each other, and sapnap bet you guys would want to instantly date - some were more right than others, but in the end,.. Y/nistaken & Georgewasfound became trending and knocked the harmful trends down

[frodos-bizarre-adventure]

@gingerreggg whee writing motivation

Heads Up- Part 20 (Joseph x Bust! Caesar)

▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪▪

"I have so many questions!" Smokey asked demandingly as he looked at his unlikely cargo, who was now bouncing around the hideout no doubt wondering where he was.

"Yeah, sure," Caesar answered indifferently, more preoccupied with checking out the unfamiliar place he'd been taken to.

"How are you alive?" Smokey asked. "And like, how do you live, if you're, well...a head?"

"Look, kid, don't ask me how I'm alive, because I don't think it really matters. I just am, I guess, and I'm just making do with whatever life's given me."

These words struck Smokey.

"I know that feel, man," he said, somewhat apologetically.

"You've got arms and legs, so I suppose you don't," snapped Caesar back snarkily.

Smokey groaned. "No, not that way. I mean...I guess I've been dealt a bum deal by life too, I think. That's why I'm on the streets, making a living...I guess we ain't so different after all," he said, lamentingly.

"Well, if I were you, I wouldn't be out stealing stuff," Caesar answered, with a scolding tone in his voice.

"I SAID I'M SORRY!" Smokey yelled, before managing to catch his temper. "I- I mean I'm sorry," he repeated, this time softly and shyly. "I didn't mean to steal you, well...I guess I did mean to, but I was just after some goods and not something -- someone alive," he muttered, clearly perplexed by the implications of all this.

"Well, stealing's wrong either way, whether or not you stole a talking sculpture," Caesar retorted.

Smokey sighed. "I just needed some money, alright? I don't have a home to come back to. It ain't easy having to deal out in the streets. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do."

"And what are you gonna do now?" Caesar said, in a tone that harbored both scolding and regret.

"I...guess the only right thing to do is to take you home, then. Was that van Joseph's?" Smokey asked.

"No. They were...they were taking me away from him. He promised me he'd come back for me...but they took me away before he could." His nubby shoulders drooped sadly. "And there was nothing I could do about it."

Smokey gave a dry chuckle. "Then I guess me taking you from the van was a good thing after all."

"Hey! Don't try to sound like a good guy, kid," Caesar shot back. "You still stole me."

"Quit rubbing it in, head man," Smokey complained. "I'm trying to help you now."

A thought crossed Smokey's mind. "Hey, I don't wanna keep calling you 'head man', you got a name?"

Caesar hesitated to give out his name to the stranger, but felt that given they would be stuck with each other for a while, he figured he'd rather not be called by whatever pejoratives the kid made up.

"Caesar," he said reluctantly. "The name's Caesar."

"Smokey Brown," answered the young boy, holding out a hand. "Nice to meetcha."

Caesar glared exasperatedly at Smokey's outstretched greeting hand. "I have no hands, can't you see? You're a lot just like Joseph."

--------

Joseph rushed to the garage of the gallery, his heart pounding wildly within his chest.

He promised Caesar he would never lose him.

And now he was.

Suzi dashed behind him, trying to keep up with her distraught companion. "Jojo! Wait for me!"

"I can't lose him!" Joseph cried, as he burst into the garage, forcing the doors open with all the strength he could muster.

And to his horror, the garage was empty.

"They've left," Suzi muttered sadly.

"It can't be! I need to know where they went!" gasped Joseph as tears began to well up in his eyes.

He refused to let him go.

But now there seemed little hope. He made a promise and circumstance couldn't let him keep it. It was all so unfair.

Joseph angrily pounded his fists into the wall of the garage in frustration. He screamed skyward at no one in particular, at someone he knew couldn't hear him.

"CAESAAAAAAAAR!" he wailed to the heavens, tears of grief streaming from his eyes.

Thoughts of Caesar's whereabouts flashed through Joseph's head. Worst cases of what could have become of him. He was alone, and helpless, and a curio for the ill intentioned. Joseph shuddered at the possibilities of his fate.

Would he be taken apart by those who saw him not as a person but as an object to be poked and prodded? Would he be destroyed out of fear by someone who did not understand his bizarre, inhuman state?

He hoped not. But with something as unique as Caesar, who knew how the world might act?

Suzi stood by him reassuringly, handing him a handkerchief to wipe his tears. "Jojo," she said. "Jojo, I need you to calm down, alright? We will find him. And we will take him home."

Joseph glanced up at her from his position sitting on the floor, his eyes red and puffy from crying. "Thanks, Suzi. But where...where will we look?"

And as if on cue, a light flashed into the garage, catching both their attention.

It was Mark's van, returned so soon. Something felt wrong, Joseph knew at once. The auction gallery was a long way away. Something must have happened.

Joseph rushed out to the van as quickly as his feet could carry him. He rapped urgently at the window, and was greeted by the maintenance man's polite but distraught face.

"Where is he?" Joseph demanded, forgetting the pretense of Caesar's disguise.

"He? Who's he?" Mark asked, perplexed.

"I meant my sculpture," Joseph corrected impatiently. "There must have been some sort of mistake? I was supposed to take it home with me!"

Mark gave a distinct frown and Joseph's heart promptly felt heavy.

"You see, Mr. Joestar, there's been a problem," he explained uneasily, unable to look Joseph in the eye. "I'd gotten a flat tyre and left the back open..."

"...and it disappeared."

Joseph and Suzi's mouths dropped open in shock. "Disappeared?"

"Yes, sir, I think somebody took it."

Without warning, Joseph dashed to the passenger seat of the van and boarded the vehicle, ignoring Mark's protests. Suzi hesitated, but Joseph gestured urgently for her to get in, to which she relented and dove into the backseat.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" Mark screamed as Joseph and Suzi buckled themselves in.

"Take us to where you'd lost him," Joseph demanded. "We need to get him back. Go!" he urged.

"All this for a sculpture?" Mark complained. "You're so obsessed with that weird head sculpture of yours!"

"It's more than just that to me," Joseph grumbled. "You'll never understand what that masterpiece means to me."

Deep down, Joseph felt like he looked deranged to outsiders. How would he explain that he loved his sculpture and felt closer to him than even a friend, without revealing Caesar was as alive as him and everyone else? He probably seemed like a complete nutjob obsessed with an inanimate object, he thought bitterly to himself.

It felt like a lose-lose scenario, of something dear to him that no one else would understand.

And yet his feelings for Caesar overwrote any of his anxieties about others' perception of his state of mind.

He was not giving up on Caesar.

Not by a long shot.

----------

It was well past midnight by the time Smokey made it back to the site of the car incident, carrying Caesar in tow.

Who weighed well more than what a young child was used to.

"Sheesh! You're heavy!" he complained to the bust.

"And you expect me to bounce all the way by myself?" Caesar countered.

"Well whoever made you didn't think it through!" Smokey snapped in return.

Caesar opened his mouth in an attempt to retaliate, but fell silent at the blow of words.

Had this kid just insulted Joseph in extension? Joseph who had made him in perfection?

And yet he had a point. Caesar depended on others. He could do very little on his own, after all. He was designed to be an ornament, not a rudimentary being struggling to his best to attain some level of human functionality.

What was he for, anyway, without Joseph?

Smokey felt a hint of guilt at hearing the bust's sudden, piercing silence.

"Hey there, I...I didn't mean it, 'kay? I'm sorry." he apologized. "Look, let's just try to get you back on the van, if it's still there--"

Smokey stopped in his tracks.

The van had disappeared.

"Great!" groaned a dismayed Caesar angrily. "How am I supposed to get home?"

"Look, if I can make it up to you," Smokey replied, "you could stay with me for a bit, I guess. It's late out, and I can help you find your maker tomorrow. I've got a shelter for now in the old warehouse, maybe some snacks--"

"I don't eat," Caesar explained. "I'm made of clay."

"More for me then," shrugged Smokey. "Come on, we better getcha inside. My arms are aching."

"Best if nobody sees me," Caesar added, as Smokey turned back down the alley and headed back to the makeshift shelter that was the closest he had to a home.

Caesar looked forlorn as Smokey set him down onto the dusty floor and sat down next to him. This strange kid was unfamiliar, and somewhat rash, but Caesar felt he could trust him.

He had to trust him. Because otherwise, he knew he might never see Joseph again.

----------

(Previous Chapter)

(Next Chapter)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #314

“as above, so below  /  what you reap is what you sow  /  what you give comes back threefold  /  as above, so below”

What do you do for work? I'm currently unemployed. I only get paid now and again to do pictures for people. What would you ideally like to do for work? I'd love if I could just be a photographer. What are you doing in order to achieve this? Practice and shoving my extreme discomfort about it aside and trying to promote myself where possible and not in an overbearing manner. What do you think is the worst being on the planet? "Rapists, pedophiles, abusive people in general." <<<< This. Anyone who disrespects the existence of other and equal people. Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for? No. How big an age gap is between you and your siblings? My immediate sisters and I are two years apart. My half-siblings, I don't know. I don't have their ages memorized, but I do know 5+ years, some even 10. Do/did your siblings cause trouble? Not really, we were good kids. What's your dream vehicle? I don't really have one. Are you good at taking care of your finances? What finances? And I don't mean that happily. What's your favorite comic strip? I don't have one. How many people have you texted today? Zero. Someone cheats. Second chance? Nope, byyyyeeeee. Thoughts on kids? Clay that I'm not playing with. Are you a risk taker? No. What are you listening to? I'm currently going through a phase of playing The Evil Within 2's theme nonstop, jc. Is/Was your high schools dress code strict? Not like, mega strict, but it still was overboard. No spaghetti strap shirts, and I even once got in trouble for wearing a floral mesh shirt, despite having a normal tanktop underneath it. It was weird, like no one had ever had a problem with it before, it was just this one teacher that I passed in the hall. Who was the last person to request you on a social media network - and did you accept? Someone I didn't know, so obviously not. Who was the last person’s vehicle that you rode in? Mom's. Who was the last person to make you laugh or smile, and why? Another current obsession of mine: John Wolfe, another let's player who I think is super funny. He said something that made me snicker before I turned on music and started this. Who was the last person that you took a photo with? My half-sister while she was visiting. Who was the last person to pay you a compliment, and what did they say? In group therapy the other day, one of the other women told me that even if I don't believe it, I bring so much positivity to group and she was really happy to be there while I am. I was so so super flustered but flattered, too. Who’s the last person that you visited in the hospital? My mom, following her surgery. Who is the last person that you lent money to? Actually today to Mom. What was the last food that you ate? I warmed up a burger for dinner. What did the last pair of footwear that you wore look like? They're just black flipflops. What was the last kind of bread that you ate? Just plain white bread. What was the last app that you downloaded to your phone? Oh wow, I never do this. I want to say it was a game for my niece. When was your last work shift? I haven't worked in a long time, so idk. When is the last time that you had trouble falling asleep? This is literally every single night. When was the last time you saw a significant other? I ain't got one'a those. When’s the last time that you took a risk? What was the risk? Well, I did say I'm not a risk-taker... Where was the last place that you went on vacation to? You know, how long does it have to be to be considered a "vacation?" I would say not since I went to the beach with an old friend, but it was literally a day. Where was the last place you got lost? uhhhhhhh Why did your last relationship fail? We need to work on ourselves before we could properly support each other and stay in a healthy mindset. Why did you leave your last job? I couldn't handle the stress of serving people and having so many responsibilities at once. How long has it been since you last visited a doctor? How about a dentist? I literally went to the doctor today because I had a follow-up appointment about my weight gain again. I haven't been to the dentist in a few months; I had a normal cleaning my last visit. How big was the last fish you caught? Oh boy, this is stretching years back. It was probably something small, idr at all. Give me the first initial of your last name? D. Something in your home that’s on its last leg(s)? We just moved here, so nothing that's a part of the house itself. As far as items we actually own, idk. Where do you purchase most of your clothes? I haven't gotten new clothes in so long, idk. I would probably say Hot Topic. Describe your skincare routine. I don't have one, if I'm being honest. I just shower. What’s your typical morning routine look like? I don't have one of those, either. The only thing that's consistent is going to the bathroom, eating, and taking my meds. Even brushing my teeth, the time of day when I do that (if I'm not leaving the house) varies. Then it's time to just binge stuff on YouTube and do whatever on the laptop... Are you still playing Animal Crossing? I've never played it, actually. How has the pandemic specifically affected you? It's caused a lot of stress worrying about my mom falling ill, given her being immunocompromised. It's also held me back from searching for another job (even though I don't know what I'd go for, anyway...), because I absolutely refuse to risk bringing Covid into this house by leaving it daily or whatever. What is your main source of anxiety? Being mentally ill, really. It just affects a lot. Any bands or artists you’ve recently discovered? Not very recently, no. What kind of games do you play on your phone? Just Pokemon GO nowadays. Do you have a specific aesthetic? It varies. I love dark, gothic, and gory stuff, but then I also love everything pink and pastel?????? Pastel gore is especially where it's at. Describe the moment you realized you were falling in love with someone. I'd rather not. What’s your favorite sparkling water brand/flavor? I've never even tried it before. What’s your favorite makeup brand/brands? I don't wear nearly enough makeup to be even remotely familiar with any. What’s your all-time favorite movie? It'll probably always be The Lion King. Do you have any subscription boxes? No, but they're cool. What fictional creature would you like as a pet? On deviantART today I actually discovered a fantastic artist who does a lot of HTTYD fanart, and I would say as a dragon lover, Toothless would be soooo great. Have any local businesses closed that you’re sad about? I'm certain tons have closed, but none come to mind. How do you feel about TikTok? I don't feel anything about it. Did you/do you still have a Neopets account? Haha I've had like... two or three at different stages in my life. What were you doing at 9 o'clock this morning? That's actually when (virtual) group therapy starts. Are you wearing any jewelry? Yeah; my piercings (if you count them) and then two rings that I always have on. Are you good at hiding disappointment? No. I'm bad at hiding my emotions because they're so strong. What happened the last time you cried? lmaooo I was finishing watching a The Evil Within 2 LP yesterday, and like, the last hour or so of the game just rips me apart. I was hoping so bad that my mom didn't pass by and ask what the problem was. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you? Both would be stunned to know the situation I had with Joel/my former best friend's boyfriend when I was around 12. What fictional character do you have the biggest crush on? dARKIPLIER Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world? When all things are considered, like laws, seeing family, etc., somewhere in Canada, or maybe Alaska. Actually, Alaska would be really cool. What after school activities did you do in high school? I didn't have any, if you mean like, school sports and clubs. I did do dance once or twice a week, but it wasn't tied to my school. What’s the last book you really loved? I positively adored The Handmaid's Tale. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at? My writing was seen as very exceptional for my age as a kid, but it still would've been awesome if it was even better. If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around? Uhhh I guess ketchup. I use that the most of all options. What is the scariest experience you have ever had? The night of the breakup. It was such an impossible concept to me that I genuinely thought my life was over, that I'd pull the plug at any moment. Who is a non-politician you wish would run for office? Oh, hunny, Markiplier lmao. Call it a bias all ya want, but he's just a genuinely incredible person that cares so much for everyone and is so serious about equality and just being a good person. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news? It's very hypocritical of me to say, but yes, regardless. Do you own plants? If so, what kind of plants? If not, would you like to grow any? I've never been into growing plants, honestly. Is there a city that you have a particular fondness for? If so, what city is it and why? No, not really. When was the last time that you acted impulsively? Is this a common behavior for you? I dunno, I've gotten better at this. I probably said something I shouldn't have. If you received an allowance as a kid, what kinds of things would you buy with it? Were you more the type to save up for something big, or spend it on little things? I didn't get one. When you cuddle with someone, how do you prefer to position yourself? Would you rather be held, or do the holding? Or both? Are we sitting or lying down? Either way I think I have a tendency to lay my head on their chest while hugging them, and my legs generally curl up. If I'm upset, I definitely feel better and just a greater sense of safety if I'm the one being held, but if the roles are swapped, then I like to be the one doing the holding because I know that's what I want when I'm upset, so treat others how you wanna be treated, y'know. When you woke up today, did you find unread messages from anyone? No. Have you recently told anyone that you miss them? Yes. Can you recall the last time you turned down an offer, of any kind? Mom asked if I wanted to come with her to Ashley's a few days ago, but I said no. I wasn't in a social mood at all. Is there anyone you interact with every day on social media? No. What was the main character's name in the last fictional book you read? Sunny. Have you ever been rejected by a church? No. Is your family nice to you? Yeah. Are you comfortable with your gender? Yeah. What was your favorite Mary-Kate and Ashley film? I don't remember; we had a couple, though. What was your favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. What was your favorite Nickelodeon show? ngl, I don't remember a lot of them and don't feel like looking up a list. Do you still live in the house you grew up in? No. Which Spice Girl was your favorite? I don't remember their names. Do you think you look the best you've ever looked? Oh hell no. Have you been hurt by religion? Yes, honestly. In Truth or Dare, would you rather choose Truth or Dare? I always choose "truth." Have you ever had more than one crush at once? Yeah, I think that's perfectly normal to feel, even for someone monogamous like myself. Just when you establish a relationship, then it's time to make a choice. What social issue do you care about most? This is hard to say with how passionately I hold my opinions, but probably LGBTQ+ rights. It's just... so disgusting to me that I was once homophobic. It's like I want to make up for it. Just the idea of being repulsed by love just because someone has "the wrong thing" in their pants is just... appalling. When was the last time you read a Bible? Many, maaaany years ago I started reading it, but I didn't get very far at all. Do you own a Bible? I personally don't, but I know Mom has one, maybe multiple. Do you discover new music regularly? No; I very much stick to what I know. It's great when I do, though, given that that's how I find new songs to repeat to the grave. What does your first name mean? "Of Britain" or something like that. What country do you live in? U.S.A. Do you believe that gays are born that way? Uh, yes? Who honestly believes a homosexual would *choose* to be in the discriminated minority? People are murdered and abused for simply their sexuality; no sane person would "choose" to risk that torture.

[empty-dream]

Just watched 13 Reasons Why S4

Ended up making a full blown commentary per episode because this is finally the last season and I’ve been enjoying this mess since S1. I even forgot that it was released until a friend brought it up to me. So in short,

Ep1

OKAY WHO DIES AGAIN HUH??

Clay, narrating: *I'm good at hiding shits so my parents don't notice at all." His parents: *concernedly looking at him pale and mushing food on the dining table*

The concequences of investigating murder cases and creating conspiracies instead of studying your ass off because it's a damn school really caught up huh.

Charlie holy shit I love you he's so chill and good.

It's been years I still can't believe Justin is really adopted by the Jensens. Funny that now the table is reversed, with Justin finally actually doing better and taking care of the increasingly-ill Clay.

SCOTT!! OH MY GOD! SCOTT REED!! OH MY FUCKING GOD!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA HOLY SHIIITTTTTTTTT AAAAAAAAA!!!

Wow my headcanon is approved, he already graduated by S3. No reason he didn't hang out with the gang after all the shits in S2 if he was no longer around in the first place.

He's still so nice even in Clay's trippy nightmare. Is that what Clay remembers about him? Well not really surprising, considering Scott actually was worried about him in S2.

Good god finally Clay meets a therapist- Wait a minute that's the guy from CSI:NY?!?! Isn't Clay just gonna get clobbered instead.

Okay I knew they are really close and I do adore their relationship so much but HOLY SHIT THEY ACTUALLY GO AT IT WITH ALEX AND ZACH???

Alex: *panicking over the kiss* Zach: Ayy don't worry let's just continue perhaps-suicidally hanging out on dangerous rooftops that you were almost fall to your death from. Alex: ????

Ep2

That narration of Clay ranting about college applications. I'll drink to that bruh.

Ya I too make my applications and other supposedly important matters at 3AM instead of any other more sensible time.

Oh my fucking god that is the creepiest smile I've ever see.

I feel like as Justin gets better and better with his life, Clay goes worse.

Justin is so excited about going to college! You deserve the future man. 

The old-time stoners and drunkards are rehabbed or dead. Enter Zach.

Winston: *eyes and ears up to your shit 24/7*

Nobody likes Tyler in S1 but now everybody likes him.

Okay. Cops doing shit jobs at protecting. This feels too real with this situation right now.

Clay's adventure to put the trash into the trash bin.

Omg they got the paint to the lab this is going real CSI.

Idk about u but at this point I don't exactly want to pay attention to Jessica/Justin problems anymore.

I know Zach and Clay don't get along and that's why I need their adventure together.

Clay drunk-puking on Justin. Well well well how the turntables.

The return of Monet!!

"I have 2.8. If I work hard, I'll get 2.9" Winston omg same.

Tht held gaze between Alex and Winston.. Is this slow burn fanfiction???????

Yes Mr. CSI it will definitely get worse.

I know writing about your feelings can make you feel better but probably not in your college essay form.

Ep3

I'm starting to think Clay is the one who dies in the end? Idk tho.

I guess the toll of busting ass trying to save everyone by yourself is catastrophically high, huh, Clay? Funny that he now goes from 100 in S3 to 0 in here and that's actually realistic.

Alex and Winston are really pining each other with Zach in the background lmao.

"You don't wanna go on the Valentine Dance with me? Even as friends?" Well sometimes there are moments when you just don't go back to being friends. It's an actual normal thing.

And besides the last time Alex goes with Jess for something she wanna do, he ends up murdering somebody. So.

"Hey Zach. Hey punch me. Hey you pussy now? Hey hey. Bitch." *poke* *poke* *poke*

No Zach he's trying to save all of your asses. You can't just say that.

Charlie is really just there trying to do his best in this shitshow and like Justin I wanna laugh but also am proud.

Everyone: *being paranoid and unto each other* Alex and Winston: *having the date of their life*

I wish everyone doesn't have this level of trust issues but then again we won't have a shitstorm drama like this.

When did this become "what is love?" philosophy class?

"You know love but you love so fiercely and sometimes it hurts."Wow Mr. CSI you hit the mark.

How many parties can the Liberty High hold in a year?

"You go with Charlie to get back to Justin, right?" Wow Diego you HIT the mark.

I still have problems with Ani as a character, but I do like her casual banters with Clay.

You know, with all these trust issues, I'm surprised nobody actually tries to peek on other's phone. Like, I know that's low. But, you know, faster solution. And better than having mass hallucinations.

Oh God the football team really is a bunch of jerks. Good fucking thing Scott is outta here.

Alex and Winston almost die like couples in a cheap slasher movie.

"Fuck Love." Clay Jensen, 2019 (according to the movie timeline)

Ep4

Why is Charlie talking? Why is he wearing the football jersey? Who on earth dies?? Is it Zach? Justin? Somebody else from the football team? But the content of your speech man...

Ah yeah. Clay did survive a great big deal of many ugly shits. Single-handedly thanks to adrenaline, mostly.

Jess got a point tho. Ani could have followed Clay to stop him, by herself or with the gang. What did she do? She spied on Winston and Alex, and then went back to the dance. So much for handling anything themselves.

Or maybe, the gang shouldn't have let Ani and Clay take care of it themselves.

Does anybody in this show ever figure out Clay has dead people hallucinations?

Domestic Jensen family is my everything.

Charlie really out there bribing Zach with his homemade cookies I-

Ah yeah, I kinda forgot that in reality Alex and Winston have a really difficult situation. With Bryce and Monty stuff.

"Looking back on your time at Liberty, do you have any regrets?" Really? Isn't that all they have?

"Who do you trust most in your life and why?" Everybody: *immediately side-eyeing each other*

Clay c'mon wtf Justin is really just worried sick and trying to help you. Aaand he's gone.

Jess you don't put your hands into something without checking it first...

Why would you only send 2 adults to supervise 30-50 kids on a camping wildlife trip? They wouldn't be able to do shit.

"I thought you were a football player!" "I AM a football player! And so are YOU!" Gold.

Dream!Monty and Dream!Clay really sit like that and I almost laugh were it not for the fact that I do that too. It's strange to see that for once, they talk normally, heart-to-heart, without the usual snickering, chiding, all that venom.

Oh shit they really make Monty and Clay mirror each other like that. They both protect people they love but have tendencies to snap, one way or another.

Zach, dude, I know you've been a real good friend. But Alex almost died. Twice. Because of your drunken ways. And you laughed. Didn't you spend an entire season trying hard to not let him die again? What's wrong with you?

When did this become a horror movie?

The Standalls :((

CHARLIE MY MAN WITH HIS COOKIES. And incidentally, a wild Zach appears.

"So are we gonna fall apart or trust each other now!" Justin my man.

Clay dude that would have been an amazing entrance were it not for the fact you looked insane.

I can't fucking believe they just go normally at campfire like that. Two people almost died. Several got beaten. What the fuck.

Does it come from the bottom of your heart or it doubles as a threat, Clay?

Alex you had us at the first half not gonna lie.

GR A NO LA CA MP C O OKIES? ??

Wait. So who has been fucking around with the football team? Who moved Clay?? Huh??

Ep5

GUYS THERE IS A THING CALLED GPS ON THE PHONE?? What are you? 3?

Justin finally breaking down after 5 episodes being the most decent and healthy person around. Well Charlie is too but he's new, so.

Finally an obligatory meeting at Monet.

CYRUS AND THE PUNK GANG!!! God I love you guys where have you been. And you guys are computer geeks?!?!?! Perfect.

My question exactly, Clay. Good replies tho, Cy.

I'm still thinking how for a nerd, Clay knows A LOT of people and knows who to ask what.

"How am I even friends with you?" Ya Alex that's my question too. How are you suddenly bff with Zach? I don't remember you two being close in S1?

Hm. If you aren't holding his family at stake, there is no way Tony would even think to rat out.

Mr. CSI starts going CSI on Clay.

I almost forgot Charlie's last name is St. George. The cast goes by Charlie mostly so.

Justin really shows up at the party with the angry mom pose and disappointed look at Clay. The turntable, people. Flynn's voice got raspy.

Oh no no Clay you don't go there. Please don't split my Jensen-Foley brothers like that. Meanwhile the punk gang be like just watching there.

C O O KI E S??? Goddamn Charlie do you bring cookies everywhere you go??

Charlie my boy you T_T I was kinda suprised that the cookie baking actually had a sad backstory.

Clay-Zach bonding that I fucking wish for oh yeah. I definitely didn't expect it with piano and drunk singing tho.

While Clay is having the time of his life, Tony is seeing life flashes in his eyes.

Yassss he winssss!!!!

Caleb's expression when the sherrif hugs him lmfao

Nice try Sherrif but Tony knows your tricks.

"What of any of this is okay?" Wow things you'd never hear Justin says in S1.

Meanwhile, Charlie and Alex are high on weed cookies as fuck. Their conversation is the most interesting thing I've seen beside the Scott cameo till now.

The look on Justin's face when Clay pushes him :((

MY DUDES HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT JEFF'S DEATH? WHAT HE WAS ACCUSED FOR?! You do not, under any circumstances, drive drunk.

Ep6

Clay be spitting truth.

They really be discussing Clay's chronic hero syndrome huh.

Okay. Operation Clay-Zach failed.

Weren't Zach all fuck it all yeah! kinda guy? Guess when you are the one who faces death it's not that fun anymore huh.

"One Clay Jensen is enough" Jess truth.

Do Alex and Charlie really study Spanish in front of Tony who is not helping at all? That would be embarrassing lmao.

Clay: Fuck off. Hallucination!Monty: *sits next to him*

Gotta hand it to Timothy Granaderos. He could go venomous to puppy eyed in 1 second. Amazing.

Man. School shootings are fucked up. There are many things I wonder about mankind and one of them is why is school shooting even possible?

Hallucination!Bryce: Hi I’m sorry I’m late. I hear this is time for Clay’s dead people hallucination party.

"Are you a hero or a martyr?" Wow they really throw the question.

And here is Clay sitting under the desk between his two most hated dead people hallucinations whispering moral dilemmas to him.

Meanwhile Winston and Zach got high.

Charlie helping Alex to breath.

The talk with Estella and Tyler.

"No offense, you are cool, but I don't wanna die with you." Zach chill lmao.

Are.. Are you sure outing that to Winston is a good call, Zach? For a guy who was super paranoid that his gang would narc him, he sure is loose mouthed himself.

I like how everyone from Tyler to Zach to Winston, admits that Alex is a really kind guy.

Wow Tony did you really expect anyone could do anything in that situation, in fucking Evergreen situation, for that matter?

Charlie is a great friend wow.

Cl-CLAY DON'T GO OUT that is EXACTLY what you are NOT supposed to do!!!

Goddamnit Clay. Holy shit Clay. 

Dylan Minnette really worked hard in this scene.

.......... WAIT A MINUTE IT'S NOW ACTUALLY CHARLIE ALEX????? Tony be just walking in.

Ep7

Clay really got into a psych ward. Talk about darkest hour. And it’s only ep 6?

Wow Ty that's some brave lines.

Which hallucination-induced person is Clay talking to before Ani gets there?

Ok that therapy session made me tear up.

These kids are having college interviews at the worst time possible. They are all fucking breaking down one way or another.

And Charlie just, really never gives up on Alex huh.

What's most important to Clay is his friends. Real quick to answer that question huh.

God Justin lashing out at the Jensens. It's the first time he does it and it hurts.

Zach holy fuck. I appreciate you didn't out it but holy fuck you didn't have to do that are you trying to die

Clay-Tony combo is back baby I miss them so much. Although perhaps Tony you would mind a bit about Clay's health because clearly he was out of it.

This is so short. I too really don't like application essays and interviews and the inevitable revisit of the sadder parts of my life because of them.

Ep8

When did this become sci-fi apocalyptic story?

God I miss the time when Clay's dreams are just Inception-styled trippy shit with Scott randomly says hello and gets him water.

Okay. Everyone's got their own way to cope with existential and moral crisis huh.

You know what, I would like one movie out of this sci-fi dream.

I knew it Tyler was a bait to smoke out illegal gun dealers. Is that... An okay thing to do for a high schooler? Sounds fucked up, all things considered.

Yaaay Justin's got the college! I'm super happy!

Wow Estella good question.

Wow Tyler good statement. If they trust each other a bit more, everything would have been a bit better.

Ah shit. Justin relapses again.

Does Tony need to be pummelled first before he finally goes all off to finish his opponent or what?

Is this going Big Brother Is Watching

What the fuck. That locker fight scene is disgusting.

Jess and Clay might throw shades at each other but together they share one brain cell.

"I think it's a walkout, Sir" Tyler lmao

Wow Zach and Alex heart-to-heart.

Cyrus really steps on some pedestal to make his point.

Aaand Zach and Alex really go all out on "doing it right" huh.

They really have students vs cops riot at this time. Talk about timing.

It's nice to see the punk gang enjoying the fighting again.

Dude what happens if you don't have anything on your bag tho.

Aaaah the punk gang with Tyler again!!

"Why are you with me and not with Charlie?" Zach ouch that hurts.

Zach no no no Zach get out of there too Zach pls

Clay really becomes 2nd in command to Jess huh.

Charlie tries to save Clay but gets whacked on the head instead. 

Tony you came back!! Oh so that college scout was.. Oh.

Oh shit Clay. Oh. Shit. I should have realized that. Goddamn.

Ep9

"I like sleep." Charlie me too. 

God Alex and Charlie literally sleep together jaldjwaownaljewoalsj that some cute shit.

Wow Clay really takes Mr. CSI's advice to round up the gang and confesses. That's a step.

Charlie sometimes has a good idea, huh.

The Jensens meeting is probably the reason why the idea of parenthood scares me.

Also Clay and Justin really put the practice of "tell the parents the less-harsh-but-still-harsh truth, then ask them to get prom back" by the book. And it's awkward.

Aww Charlie coming out to his dad and the response he gets... When you put the rich fams like Dempseys, Walkers and Saint Georges together, the last one is really the only healthy one huh.

Way to go Jess!

Ah I forgot Alex has an older brother.

Aaaahhh Charlie has dinner with the Standalls! Their reaction is so sweet!

"Does he make you happy?" "Yeah. A lot." AHDKWJWOAKDUWLAOEL I mean after everything that has happened to Alex, man I am so happy he can say that with a fond smile.

WHAT THE FUCK HAHAHAHHA CHARLIE WHAT THE FUCK HOLY SHIT LMFAO I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST AN TRIPPY ANIMATED IMAGINATION THING and Alex is so done with his extra shit.

Wow Ani you do karaoke good, asking Jess out even better.

OH MY GOD IT ESCALATED. Also Alex is right that one is creepy Charlie.

I thought by special doughnut Caleb means some diet-related stuff fit to Tony's menu for fighting. Why didn't I expect a literal Will You Go To Prom doughnuts?

CHARLIE PLEASE STOP AHAHAHAHA you dumb rich kid where did you get all those lamps and prop candles.

"Would you love me any less?" Aww Clay knows Justin loves him.

"You three all look adorable" Ya Jess, same.

Tony really out there doing the "I'm here because he's here" to Caleb.

Clay, Alex, and Charlie be like judging Zach hard.

Oh right that one kid from Cyrus's gang is gay and he brought his boyfriend!

Zach: You two sitting here like it's a funeral. Also Zach: *proceeds to continue sitting as well*

"We deserve to live." Finally something from Zach's mouth that I can agree for this season.

I love that Tony and Caleb are such good friends to Clay.

And now it's Winston turn for dead people hallucination.

..... The door to the other side again.. :'''((

CHARLIE AND ALEX WON THE PROM KINGS AAAAAAHHHHHH I mean with all those extra efforts, it'd be hard to not to. And there goes Alex finally giving in to dance.

I don't like Luke the football guy when he's the enemy but I like him when he's a friend. He's a hype man lmao.

Alex I'm so happy for you man. I'm glad you are finally happy. My heart was tight at the dance part .

Everyone: *dances* Clay: *sits there, monologuing philosophically*

I like that Clay and Ani finally being honest that they don't fit each other romantically. As romance goes there is not much romantic tension between them. And they have way too many flawed traits that when paired, would turn the relationship sour and possibly toxic in the end.

Justin do u like to show up and make everyone step aside for you or what.

I like that Clay was just watching from a distance. Then at last minute decided to join the crowd with his mother, whom he had a few trust issues with in all seasons.

Charlie: "Foundry's gay?!" Alex: "Mind's blown" Me: Same.

There has been nothing wrong going on in one episode, aside from the Zach one that's timely stopped by Charlie and Alex. I'm suspicious.

Ah. Yes. Of course.

Oh my god Justin's the one dead huh?

Ep10

Oh thank God he hasn't died. Yet.

Oh God Justin no. No no no.

Get your shit together Zach. Even Charlie tells you that.

No no no not like this not after everything oh god.

Somebody would you actually please run after Clay too.

Oh my god Clay.

Oh my god Alex you. Even when he admits it to Winston, he still covers for Jess. I- oh god.

It's been only 15 minutes and it hurts.

Charlie and Alex, the moms of the group.

You know, for a guy who says he doesn't love Justin, Alex gives a lot of shit about him. I guess you can still be around people you don't like?

I know the kiss is huge news Charlie but that's not the issue here lmao.

Zach: *hugs Clay* Clay: ????? Alex and Charlie: ?????? Zach: *pats Tyler's head* *leans on Clay*

The Padillas :''')

Clay Jensen. Class speaker. Wow.

Yeah Mr. CSI's voice is really calm, rather chilling, actually.

"You've looked at death too many times for a young person." Damn right Mr. Jensen.

Ah so that's the reason why Zach stole that letter. Makes sense, emotionally.

You know, I did say Idc anymore about Justin/Jessica problems but when it gets to this point, I can't not care.

So many people come to the hospital...

Clay and Justin's talk. I'm sorry I can't hold it in anymore. I'm fucking sobbing at this moment.

He's dead. He's dead. He's dead just like his mom. But he died not in the same way. He died holding his bro's hand. He died surrounded by his family. He died with people who loved him around.

"After everything, this is how it ends." Fucck

DID HE HAVE TO DIE??? DID JUSTIN FOLEY-JENSEN HAVE TO DIE?? Did you really have to put yet another sucker punch in the last episode of the season?? Yeah I know real kids and people do die from AIDS but really? After a whole season of Clay screaming kids wants to live to the point he lost his mind???

I spent the entire funeral screen crying. I couldn't even scream again when Scott is present in the funeral. I know he'd be there but god I can't right now.

Mr. CSI sure knows super effective ways to make Clay react.

"If Justin's dead, the none of the rest of it matters. " Clay..

He opens up.

Oh yeah I forgot Charlie is a junior.

AAAA COURTNEY AND RYAN ARE HERE!!! I MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!

SCOTTTTT!!!!!! And CHLOE TOO!! It’s nice that they come together. But they aren’t like, together, right? I mean if he is her boyfriend she would say his name right away to Zach instead of a mere ‘would you like to meet him? He’s outside.’

These 4 are such good friends to attend their friends’ graduation ceremony.

The punk guys in toga are so... Refreshing to look. Such hype men.

"It's easy to hate. It's easy to fear. It's goddamn hard to love. But it's not optional. It's essential." Jessica Davis, everybody.

Jeff, Hannah and Justin really died in the span of 2 years. Add to that is Bryce and Monty, whose deaths left uncountable traumas on top of existing traumas. Yeah. It was hellish time.

Scott’s proud small smile when Clay gives his speech. Im love.

"Choose to live. Even on the worst day, life is a pretty spectacular thing." Clay Jensen, everybody.

Ma boi Zach really teared up at Clay's speech. 

Luke and one of the punk kids talking about some geek thing I am not familiar with I-

“No offense Luke. You’ve got great arm but you haven’t been known for your brain.” PETER That BURNS LMAO

Poor Winston just being alone. OH HELLO RYAN YOU ARE FAST.

Zach is gonna study music! Nice foreshadowing since he plays a lot of music this season.

Clay having a gratitude moment with his parents and Scott be like munching cupcakes in the background.

Oh god Hannah ...

Wow the old tape gang is here!! The nostalgia hurts.

They bury the tapes on the same hill again asdfwosaiofai.

Kinda salty Sheri and Scott aren’t here. But then again I guess back then Scott was just helping Clay and co when he could and mostly minding his own business. HOWEVER isn’t Sheri like in the tape and pretty prominent too :(( Like she was really cool with Clay (despite the whole guilt over Jeff), tried to make amends and really helped with the polaroid cases.

Also you can't just insert Scott in Clay's dream and then not have them interact in the end. The dream was such a perfect bait. Like we know at least they apparently get along well.

Everything in Jessica’s final conversation with her Bryce hallucination. Everything in it.

Ryan: “Gordon Lightfoot?” Ha Ryan you miss a whole lot of drama.

Fuck I'm tearing up again at Justin's essay. He deadass makes an entire essay about Clay and how he is his savior I- 

Oh my god they end it exactly like S1 with Tony and Clay riding away. They are really each other’s ride or die.

That’s it. It’s over. It’s been a long trainwreck. So the 2019 class graduates, so does Justin, they are doing uni right now and keeping in touch with everyone. Bye.

[alastairsqueen]

I just finished season 4 of 13 Reasons Why and I have a few things I need to get off my chest.

First of all, the lock down episode was beyond ridiculous. I could understand having a drill at a school for an active shooter situation, but to the extent this school went to? Absolutely not. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a school doing such a thing, and if they have, I can’t imagine parents taking it lightly. Look what happened to Clay. Those students were traumatized. And the bleeding dummies in an earlier episode? Wtf? 

Winston seemed kind of pointless. I get he wanted the truth to come out about Bryce because it would clear Monty’s name, but he barely knew Monty, the same guy who beat the living shit out of him at one point. Having sex with someone a couple of times doesn’t equal love. Honestly, I think that whole plot would have been better if Winston and Alex had stayed together, Alex started to trust Winston, and then Alex told him the truth. They already loved one another, basically, so it could have worked out. Learning the truth but also being in love with Alex, I feel like he would have let it go. Both outcomes are the same, but the story progression would have been a lot better. Hate to say it, but I also feel like Alex had a lot better chemistry with Winston in those first few episodes than he did with Charlie. Charlie was super sweet and nice, but I didn’t feel like he meshed well with Alex as much. It was cute how they won prom king and queen, but Charlie had to try way too hard. I guess he figured he had to prove Alex was worth it, but Winston never had to try that hard. That’s why I feel like the chemistry was better and it didn’t feel forced on us.

Also a small shout out to the Zalex kiss. I want to point out that it was obvious for awhile Alex was really gay. Hannah and Jessica joked about it back in season 1, which okay, was just a joke, but in season 2, he said a lot of really inappropriate things to Zach that I don’t feel like most guys would tell their friends, like about how he finally had an erection, and all these other things. We were all shipping Alex and Zach for awhile now because of their close connection, so the kiss did seem like they were baiting us with absolutely no follow through. However, I guess I can’t be terribly upset about it. Zach was weirded out when Alex said inappropriate things in the past, but he let it slide because they were friends. As much as I would have preferred these two to be endgame, I’m still alright with them being really good friends who love one another. And I’m glad that Alex got a happy ending with someone, at least.

Totally glad Ani and Clay did not end up together in the end. From what I saw of comments after last season, most people disliked Ani immensely. Her screen time was even limited this season so I feel like that was kind of their way of pushing her more to the back burner. However, I do appreciate the conversation she had with Clay at prom, how both of them said they don’t know what love is, and that they don’t know how to be in relationships. I think that is probably one of the most accurate, grown up depictions in this entire show. 

I sadly think this is one of those seasons that actually would have benefited from the 13 episode length season. With all the stuff we had going on with Clay, especially, and then everything else, I think things needed to be drawn out a little bit more. I still think Clay’s mental illness could have been handled a lot better. I’m glad he finally got therapy, but if someone was at risk of hurting themselves, they hold that person for at least 24-48 hours. When he escaped, he would have been brought right back. And even then, when his therapist said he wasn’t at risk for hurting himself anymore, I didn’t buy it for a second. And some of the things Clay did and didn’t remember seemed kind of strange, imo. I could see the spraypaint as he helped cover up the Monty thing, or even the email, but some of it like the video cameras and torturing his own friends in the woods? I know sometimes things don’t make sense when mental illness is concerned, but it just seemed very poorly written, like they wanted us to think everything was being done by someone else, even though most of it was Clay. Also hated the throw away line in the last eppie when he says that he doesn’t actually see people, that he just imagines conversations he would have with them in his head. What a total cop out. On more than one occasion people caught him talking out loud like someone was there, and they made that such a huge focus after Hannah died. Ugh. It kind of felt like a slap in the face to fans who commented on it.

A longer season would have also given us some really sweet moments and interactions between more of the characters. One of the biggest problems with this show is the personal moments. I felt like this season they were stretched thin, and it just felt like drama, drama, drama and doom and gloom the whole time. Every time these kids have even the happiest of moments, it’s ruined by something. 

We get a really sweet prom episode and then it’s just ruined by the ending. The final episode also should have been two separate ones. Having a major death, a graduation, and burying the tapes seemed like a bit much to put in one episode. I get they want to drive home the point that high school is hell, but really?

And as far as Justin goes, the whole back and forth with him getting better, then relapsing makes sense as he’s an addict and it will always be a struggle, but then he gets AIDS and dies? Also, they said he likely contracted it when he was homeless and sold himself, but typically it can take HIV 8 to 10 years before it turns into AIDS, so unless I’m missing something, it progressed really quick? In the show he was homeless at the end of the first season when he ran off and then into the start of season 2, so that’s only a couple of years at the most. Did they mean from another time he was homeless? Like it just didn’t add up. I know everyone is different, and he continued to use drugs, but they could have just had him overdose. I think they wanted to go for more tragic though, really make the audience feel it with all the sad goodbyes. To me it felt more like one of those things they toss in to try and bring ‘awareness’ to a topic, but failed miserably.

Also, the part that got me thinking was how Clay had pot in his system. He lost track of time frequently, but like......Charlie had those cookies on the camping trip, and no one really seemed high, but what if Clay ate one because we later see Charlie with the pot cookies at the party with Alex. Otherwise, they never really explained how he had pot in his system. We just saw him smoke it at the party later on.

The last thing I want to comment on is a couple of moments in the show that really made me go wtf. The first time was with Clay and the passed out girl at the frat house. He goes into the room and the excuse he gives to Bryce in his head is just.........wtf? And he later tells his therapist he was thinking about sex and he was hard. We know that he went in there because he thought the guy was going to rape her and then he saw Bryce, but like.........when he made that comment to his therapist I was just like nope. Later it happens again with Zach and the female escort he brought to prom in the bathroom. These are two characters who have been known to stick up for women, so it’s just like really? I feel like I kind of get what they were trying to go for with the show, like this concept that if you’re fucked up and not in your right frame of mind, on drugs, etc, people are capable of anything, even something terrible, but it just doesn’t work. It was beyond creepy, and I hated it. 

I will say I’m glad they actually did a Prom and Graduation episode though. One of the things that annoyed me most about Teen Wolf was we never got any glimpses of them being happy either. It was always plot and drama, never them being teens, so yeah. I’m glad they buried Hannah’s tapes, but like, I really didn’t care about Courtney or Ryan coming back to help bury them as they hadn’t even been apart of most of what happened in later seasons since they apparently graduated. I noticed Sheri wasn’t there either. 

I’m sure I could add more, but this is already really long. Basically I have a lot of mixed feelings about the final season.

[staticscreenwriting]

... like I am home again // Angel Reyes

Synopsis: There’s a girl who looks so much like her mother and acts so much like her dad. And a father who doesn’t know how to let himself be loved.

A/N: I love this and I hope you do too :)

However far away I will always love you However long I stay I will always love you Whatever words I say I will always love you I will always love you

Angel stands on the fronts steps of the tiny white house with the red door. He’s been here many times but every time he returns it feels like the first. His heart is beating just a little faster and his hands are clammy.

Behind the door, lives the biggest part of his heart. A love he is never fully able to put into words but one that is so present and all consuming. And yet it’s a love that he has to deny himself for most of his life. A love that he only gets shorts glimpses of. Because it’s better this way. Because he can’t, and won’t, let it be tainted by the demons that follow him. The darkness and the cruelty that overshadows the rest of his life.

He takes one last drag from the cigarette before discarding it in the purple ashtray that’s placed on the banister of the front porch. Every time he looks at the ashtray, a smile finds its way onto his stoic face. It’s there for him and him alone. (Y/N) let’s him get away with a lot of shit but he knows she doesn’t appreciate him smoking around the kid and that was something he would abide to. Little Marcella made that ashtray for him all by herself, with clay and paint and glitter and he adores it. Because he adores her. So very much.

The knocking of his knuckles against the door is soon followed by the hurried footsteps of a child rushing through the house. Angel’s heart grows two sizes with the excitement of what is to come.

Marcella greets him with a smile so big it can hardly be contained by her small face. Her eyes shine up at him filled with nothing but pure and unfiltered adoration and it is in her love, that Angel finds a spark of redemption. If this girl sees even a glimpse of good in him, how bad can he really be ?

“ Uncle Angel “ her words are dripping with glee and excitement. Every time though, they send a little pang through his heart. Uncle Angel is all he is ever going to be. And even though he knows it’s for the best. And even though it was his idea, his decision, to make this ultimate sacrifice. It still hurts.

“ Well look at you, hermosa. You’ve gotten so much bigger since the last time I’ve seen you “ Angel exclaims and swoops the little girl up in his arms. Moments like this one are rare and numbered and Angel makes sure to cherish every single one of them. Holding his little girl in his arms, making her laugh and showering her in all the love he has to give, that’s his happy place. That’s what keeps him going. Even if she’ll never know.

“ Mommy says I’m gonna be a grown up in no time “ at the mention of her mother, Angel’s eyes drift towards the doorway that connects the kitchen to the living room.

(Y/N) leans against the frame, dressed in jeans and a shirt, a loving smirk playing on her lips. There’s another kind of love there. No more or less than the one he feels for Marcella, but different. It’s a love that’s been building up for years, ever since they were teenagers.

It’s a love founded on shared memories of growing up. On nights spent in her back garden watching the stars and talking about the future. On breaking into the public swimming pool. On getting drunk at 17 and getting scolded by their parents. On standing by each other when things got tough. When parents divorced. When parents died.

It’s a loved based on the mutual understanding that they’re both the other’s person. That one special person. And an understanding that they aren’t good for each other. That their lives might flow alongside each other, but they can’t intertwine.

Not even when there’s a little girl who looks so much like her mother and acts so much like her dad.

“ Yeah well, your mom is right. You’re gonna be off to college next time I come around huh ? “

It breaks his heart. To see Marcella growing up but never actually being a full part of the memories she makes. (Y/N) sends him pictures and whenever he comes around, they catch him up on all the things he missed. But he’s not an active part of her growing up. He’s not there to experience the moments with her.

Her first steps were taken at his father’s butcher shop while a newly patched in Angel was on a run for the club. Her first words were spoken to (Y/N) only, when he was at his home with a woman he hardly knew.

There’s no way to express how thankful he is for her taking photos and videos of it all, so he can relive the moments at least. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t wish his life was different. Was stable and secure and good enough for a family so pure and wonderful. So full of love.

“ Guess you need to come around more often then “ (Y/N) speaks up from her place by the kitchen door before walking over and placing a kiss on Angel’s cheek. It’s in her kiss and the way she looks at him. The love never goes away. Nor does the longing that’s brewing beneath the surface.

Never has a woman had an impact on him like (Y/N) does. It’s like she’s got him under a spell. A spell he’s been under since he was 15 years old. God, he adores this woman.

“ Guess I’ll have to. Hi, mi corazon “

“ Hi, Angel “

The share a look for a moment. A look the conveys so much. But mostly it says “I missed you”.

“ Hey kiddo, why don’t you go get your drawing that you made for Angel ? “ (Y/N) asks her daughter which in return makes the little girl gasp and wiggle in Angel’s arms, asking to be let down.

“ Yes, yes. I drew a picture of you and me “ she calls out as she hurries towards her room, pigtails swinging.

(Y/N) takes the opportunity to wrap her arms around Angel’s waist and cuddling into his chest.

“ I missed you so much “.

It pains him to hear her say those words, even if he knows they aren’t spoken with malice or ill intend. She’s not trying to make him feel guilty. She’s just — just speaking what’s on her mind. Just letting him feel the warmth she hold and the love. So much love.

“ I missed you too, “ Angel replies and places a kiss on her cheek “ both of you” .

(Y/N) looks up at him with eyes so big they’d put bambi to shame. There’s so much reflected in them. All the images of what could be but isn’t. The life they’re supposed to have, but don’t. All that they’re denied because of the decisions Angel’s made, the life he leads. He’s so grateful she doesn’t resent him for it.

“ She asks about you a lot “

“ Can’t believe how big she’s getting. She looks more and more like you every time. “

It’s true, really. She’s the spitting image of her mother and Angel is both grateful for that and a little sad. He’s grateful because that makes their whole lie a little easier to maintain. Sad, because despite it all, he would love to have at least a tiny visual reflection of himself in his girl.

“ Well she sure doesn’t act like it, she is — god, Angel. She acts so much like you it’s ridiculous. Sometimes she says things and it’s like you’re speaking through her. It’s the way you say things or certain looks she gives me that just mirror you. Sometimes it scares me. I don’t know how to deal with another troublemaker like you. It’s only getting worse with age, really. “

“ You love it “

“ I do. I just know what you were like as a teenager and I ain’t looking forward to dealing with that as a parent “ she laughs and it’s like the sun floods Angel’s world. Her laugh and smile were the first things he ever fell in love with. Somewhere along the line things between them changed. They’d been just friends for so long and the gradually things shifted. Looks held a deeper meaning. And when he first realized how he felt, he was already in over his head.

“ You know, if you want we can just — make another little one. Maybe it turns out more like you . “ he’s joking, of course. He doesn’t play an active part in his daughter’s life for her own sake, bringing another kid into the world would be selfish and wrong. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like the idea of it. The image of having another baby with (Y/N). And especially the aspect of making the baby in the first place.

“ Oh whatever “ (Y/N) smiles and gives him a friendly shove against the shoulder which makes him pull her even closer to him.

“ I really missed you. And I am, so sorry things are the way they are. “ Angel says and places his forehead on hers.

“ It’s for the best, right ? Like, we didn’t make a mistake when we chose for things to be this way ? “ (Y/N) asks as she cups his face in her hand.

Angel asks himself that question a lot of the time. Whenever he lies awake at night with a women in his bed that means nothing to him. In a home that feels lonely and bare and unlived in. A home that’s a house but no home in the end.

He wonders if he’s doing the right thing by distancing himself from the family he could have.

Then he looks at EZ, who’s almost destroyed himself over his mother’s death. He looks at the club and all the broken and lost souls. He looks at the families being pulled into club shit. And then he remembers the small girl who’s biggest worry is staying inside the lines when coloring. Her innocence and carefreeness makes it all worth it, no matter how hard it is.

“ Yeah. Yeah we are “ Angel replies and for a moment all they do is look at each other and it’s like the world has stopped spinning. Like all that matters is them and the bond they share and the unspoken words they both feel with the intensity of a blazing fire.

But they don’t kiss. Not anymore. They needed a somewhat clean cut. A certain distance. Some boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. Otherwise this would end up being confusing to everyone involved. More confusing than it already is.

“ Look Angel, this one is me and you and a pony “ Marcella’s voice rings through the house and pulls her parents out of their shared moment.

“ No way, a pony ? That is so cool. Show me !” Angel exclaims with excitement and plops down onto the sofa, pulling Marcella onto his lap.

As she points out all the different details and quirks of the stick figures, Angel places soft kisses on her head. She owns his entire heart. Every little corner of it, it’s hers. From the moment she was born he felt an overwhelming love and unwavering sense of protection. A sense of protection that ultimately let him here. Playing uncle.

Though if that meant she was happy and safe, than he would be the best uncle the world had ever seen.

While Marcella rambles on, Angels shares a look with (Y/N) who sits down on the recliner chair across the sofa. And it’s then that for a tiny second, for a blink of an eye, they get to enjoy the family they could’ve been, the one they deserve but ultimately had to sacrifice.

And for a moment, it’s good. It’s more than good.

- OOO -

Later that night, Angel sits by the bar nursing a beer and feeling sorry for himself. Every time he has to leave his girls, he feels incredibly down. And reflecting on the way his life goes recently, doesn’t help him any either.

The club’s in some shit with some rival MC. The whole family shit with EZ and his dad is weighing heavy on his shoulders. And then there’s the fact that he always feels devastated after leaving Marcella and (Y/N). It all works together in creating a horrible black cloud above his head.

There’s a girl softly stroking his arm, trying to get him to pay her any attention but Angel is really not feeling it today so he shrugs her off and eventually she gets the hint and walks off to find another member who might be interested in spending the night with her.

On another night, when he didn’t hate himself so much, when he wasn’t so caught up over the girls he loved, maybe he would’ve said yes to her. Thought it isn’t another night. It is this night and he does feel all of those things.

It’s when he takes another sip from the bottle, that his phone rings and as he spots the caller ID on the screen that his heart falls. She doesn’t usually call him. Messages come every once in a while to keep him updated on her and Marcella but calls, that’s a new thing. Something is very very wrong.

“ (Y/N) ? “

“ Angel, hi. I— uh “ she sounds rushes, kind of overwhelmed “ I might be overreacting but uh— look there’s this car driving up and down our neighbourhood and there was a guy at the door earlier and he looked really sketchy and I “ she sighs “ I’m just really worried. It’s probably nothing though “.

It is never nothing though, is it ?

He should’ve known. No matter how hard he tries to keep those two parts of his life separate from each other, he should’ve known sooner or later they’d intertwine.

“ No, no baby it’s okay. Don’t worry. I’ll be right there. I’m on my way. “

“ Okay. Okay, thank you “. Angel can hear the relieve in her voice.

“ Always. For you, always “

“ Angel ? “

“ Yeah ? “

“ Please be careful. “

“ Always am, mi corazon “. He says, rushes out the door and towards his bike. No one was gonna mess with his family. Not now. Not ever.

- OOO -

990 Ford Ranger sitting just a few houses down from where (Y/N) and Marcella live. Angel spots it immediately. He knows the people in the area, knows what cars they drive. This isn’t one of them.

He knows this car though. It belongs to a guy called Ricky Morales. He’s some petty criminal who had a run in with the club one too many times. He’s kinda stuck somewhere between hating the club and wanting to be a part of it. Though Bishop would never even think about letting him prospect, Angel is sure about that.

Ricky, Angel is sure, isn’t the biggest threat he could’ve been met with and he’s kinda glad about that. Ricky he can deal with. He’s no danger to (Y/N) or Marcella’s life. He’s just a huge fucking pain in the ass.

He taps his knuckles against the car window, startling Ricky who was intensely watching the red door.

“ Whatcha doin’ here, Ricky ? “

“ Angel “ he says and licks his lips in a weird way that makes Angel feel super uncomfortable. He can tell Ricky is nervous. In fact, he’s not sure he’s ever seen the guy when he wasn’t nervous. “ been asking Bish about prospecting. Again. Said I can’t. Said your brother got the prospect spot. I ain’t digging that, Angel. Not one bit. Thought we were friends, you and I. “

Whatever gave him that idea, Angel has no fucking clue. He’s never spoken more than two sentences to him.

“ Yeah we aren’t friends, man. “

“ I noticed. I noticed. Followed you. Wanted to talk it out but what do I see instead ? Nice lil family you got there, Angel. Beautiful woman. Cute little girl. “

It’s then, at the mention of his girls, when things shift from being mildly amusing to being unacceptable.

“ Yeah don’t even think about looking at them again. Don’t come here. Don’t approach them. Don’t even fucking think about them. You’re a fucking creep, Ricky. And I don’t give a shit about that but you made it personal. If I ever see you around ever again I’m gonna make sure you won’t be able to ever ask Bish about prospecting ever again. Because you won’t have a tongue anymore to pronounce any words. I will cut it out, feed it to that weird ass pet snake you got. And if that don’t work, the hands are next. You hear me ? “

Ricky looks more and more afraid with every word that leaves Angel’s lips. He starts sweating. His head starts getting red.

Mission accomplished.

“ I said, do you hear me ? “

A strangled “yes” leaves Ricky’s lips.

“ Good. Now get the fuck outta here “.

Angel doesn’t have to ask him twice. The car is down the street and out of sight in the matter of seconds.

Before he can even knock, the door to the house flies open and (Y/N) throws her arms around Angel’s neck.

“ Thank god you’re here. I was so fucking scared “.

He hates this. Absolutely detests it. That his life played part in his girls feeling unsafe. This was all he ever wanted to avoid, wasn’t it ? And yet it happened. Because he lead Ricky here. Because he wasn’t careful enough. Because he —.

“ Angel we need to stop this “

It’s like a knife straight to the heart. She wants him to stop coming around. To stop putting them in danger. To stop seeing her. Seeing his kid.

“ I — yeah I get that. Let me just, let me see her one last time ? “

“ Sorry what ? “

“ You said you wanna stop this. Stop me coming to see you ? “

“ Oh god, Angel. No. That’s not what I meant. I meant we need to stop this pretending. This entire time I was thinking that if something were to happen, you weren’t here to protect us. Because we decided that this was the best decision but it wasn’t. You should be around and you should be able to protect us by physically being here. I don’t want to pretend no more. I don’t want to be scared. I know that your life comes with danger but see, you’re not here and it finds us anyway. So stay. Please, Angel. Please. “

It shakes his whole world upside down. Maybe she’s right though. Maybe it makes sense. The other’s have families. They have kids and wives and a life outside of the club. Maybe it wasn’t his attempt at protecting his girls so much as it was a way for him to figure himself out before he let himself be dad.

Maybe this was the growing he had to do before he could really protect his family. But not by being absent but by being there.

Maybe this was his shot at something spectacular.

“ You really think so ? “

“ I think it ain’t any more safe if you’re not around at all. If things get real bad, we can always leave town and go stay with my mom but either way, you’ll be there to keep the bad shit away. Right ? “

“ Right “

And then she goes and breaks the rules they set up so carefully. She kisses him and it feels like he’s 16 again and drunk and high and in love all at the same time. She’s intoxicating and so delicious. She’s warm and soft and comforting. She feels like home.

“ I love you, Angel “

It’s words that have been there for a long time. They have been in looks and touches. They have been more than prominent in the face of the little girl that was so much her mother and so much her father.

Words that have been felt but haven’t been spoken in so long.

It feels good hearing them again.

“ I love you too, mi corazon “.

And it feels great saying them.

- OOO-

“ She’s so beautiful. I still can not believe I had any part in making her. “ Angel says as he looks down at his sleeping daughter. He’s in awe of her. There’s nothing about her he would ever want to change. She’s perfect from the hair on her head all the way to her little toes.

He can’t be too bad of a person if he managed to create such a wonderful little girl.

“ She is. “

“ Mommy ? “ the little girl asks, slightly turning in her bed, before tiredly rubbing her eyes.

“ Oh baby go back to sleep we didn’t mean to wake you up “. (Y/N) says, softly combing her fingers through Marcella’s hair.

“ We ? “ she asks with her little voice before her eyes scan the room and land on Angel.

“ Uncle Angel ? “

“ Hello, hermosa. “

(Y/N) sits down on the side of Marcella’s bed “ actually, baby. Me and Angel have something to tell you “.

Angel stays silent. He’s not good at this, talking. It’s in everyone’s best interest if he let’s (Y/N) lead this conversation.

“ What is it ? “

“ You remember when I told you about your daddy and how he can’t be around because he has to work a lot ? “

Marcella nods.

“  I — I lied a little bit. “

“ But you’re not supposed to lie.” Angel can’t suppress the smile at his daughter’s words.

“ I know. But sometimes mommies have to tell a little lie to protect their babies. It’s not right but it’s necessary. “

“ So what is the truth ? “ Marcella asks, eyes filled with confusion at her mother’s confession.

“ Well, you see. Uncle Angel isn’t actually your uncle. He’s your dad. “

Her eyes fall onto him and he thanks god and all his lucky stars that there’s no resentment there. Confusion, yes, but no anger or resentment.

“ What ? “

“ Remember how in the Lion King, Simba had to go away and grow big and strong and learn how to be brave before he could fight Scar and come back to his family ? “ (Y/N) questions, earning another nod from the kid.

“ … Angel had to do that too, in a way. He needed some time to grow up and learn how to be a daddy before he could come back to us. But now he’s here and he’s so very brave and he loves you so much, Marcella. “

For a moment, the little girl stays silent, merely looking at Angel and trying to process the news she’s just been given. They both know this is a lot to pour onto a 5 year old. A lot for her to process, to understand.

Angel’s hands are clammy and he’s so very nervous as he sits at the end of Marcella’s bed. His heart can’t take much more that night. So when she crawls over to him, a tiny smile on her face, and throws her arms around his neck, he’s sure he’s about to die.

“ I always wanted you to be my dad “ she says, only loud enough for him to hear. And it’s those words that end him. As he pulls her closer to him, a single tear finds its way down his cheek. He’s not gonna admit that to anyone though. He’s not that cheesy.

 - OOO -

It’s the next day and the clubhouse is buzzing with people. Everyone’s in good spirit, playing pool and hanging out.

Angel holds Marcella in one arm, hoisted up on his hip, while the other hand is holding onto (Y/N). Yeah yeah he knows, handholding is fucking cheesy. But hey, he’s been denied this for the last 5 years, he’s gonna enjoy every second of it. Soak up all the affection and love. Let himself feel it all.

“ Yo Angel, who’s the ladies ? “ Coco calls out as he spots them walking into the clubhouse.

“ This is Marcella “ Angel smiles and he looks at his daughter. A perfect little girl. HIS perfect little girl. “ and this is (Y/N) “. The woman he’s been in love with since he was 15 years old. His person.

And now that he gets to be part of this perfect little dysfunctional family and share it with his other little dysfunctional family, he thinks like can’t get much sweeter than this.

“ They’re my girls. They’re my family. “

[jockedguy]

Unfreeze (Change Theory, part 1 of 3)

ONE

You can tell a lot about the guy in the picture up there.  You can see a slice of his life, just from the second that was captured by the camera’s eye.  

1) He’s not too bright.  

Look at his eyes, the way his face is moving from one thought to the next.  You can tell that it takes him a minute to process, that maybe he’s not too quick.  You wouldn’t be able to make a pun, or talk about current events, with this guy. He’s young, he’s in the prime of his life, he’s maybe a little disoriented because of the hot sun that’s been soaking into his brainpan all day.  Probably got a little spin on from that last in a chain of four beers he’s got in his hand.

2) He’s not from around here.

Here, in the city, where there’s barely a gasp of green, you don’t see guys like this.  You see a lot of reflections of the urban color palette, like how the sky reflects on the ocean.  Endless gray and slate.  This is a picture of a guy who would feel ill-at-ease in a city, hyper-sensitive to the inundation of noise and technology, to the constant floods of people with their shoulders ratcheted up around their jaws.  

3) He doesn’t give much of a fuck what you think.

This is a guy who’s worked his whole life outside, with his hands.  As a kid, he probably spent all his time crashing through the woods or smashing into the still water of the local swimming hole.  He saw the sunrise most days, and squinted into the dusking evening, as bats came out to lazily swoop from dark to dark.  He caught lightning bugs in a jar.  He shot off fireworks and smoked cigarettes at the gas station.  He has an easy confidence.

There’s more, too, I’m sure, but all we get is what we can infer from the split-second the photograph shows us.  

He’s the kind of guy I see on tumblr, scrolling endlessly through my perfect kind of man.  Of course, since I live in the city, this kind of guy is harder to find, except for various dirty phone chats or Skype messages.  Stuff that doesn’t last, but is enough to get me off quickly and efficiently.

Briefly (since this story is about me, too), I grew up in the deep South.  I knew guys like this, was surrounded by them - if you can ever really be surrounded by  anyone in the deep South, that is.  They were my cousins, my neighbors, my schoolmates.  I was always looking at them, even if I wasn’t, you know - “looking” at them.  My life took me quickly through school and college - I’m an intelligent guy.  I quickly understood what it meant to succeed, and with that understanding, I chose a career that would make me a good amount of money and best utilize my skills - advertising.  I’m very good at persuasion.  I see things very simply, and I speak very logically.  Clients tend to like that.  Hell, most people, including my small group of friends, like that.  I think they feel like it’s a nice break from the modern-day affectation of wandering around the point.  

I also happen to be a gay man, still single as I stare into my 30s.  I’ve had a few boyfriends, all of which except for one lasted less than a year.  I was never content with them - they seemed to need me in a way that I found kind of repulsive.  They were depressed, or lackluster, or we just didn’t have the same goals.  I’m a creature of change.  I’m not happy to sit in one place, thinking the same thing - I want to know how I can better myself, how I can be more efficient.  I’d started working out at the local gym, experimenting with my form, with my muscles, when I found you.

I’d never seen someone so much like a lump of raw clay.  And it wasn’t just that - it was as though that lump had been possessed of some metamorphic desire, some inherent drive.  It was almost as though I could see a hundred possible futures super-imposed on top of you as you struggled, over and over, to lift the dumbbell.  I could tell you were hyper-aware of yourself, of your surroundings.  Your eyes would dart surreptitiously from guy to guy, quickly sizing them up and  continuing with your lifts.  I could tell you weren’t the most confident guy, wearing a baggy t-shirt with sleeves and basketball shorts that came down to your knees.  Most guys would come to the gym wearing clothes that accentuate their bodies - you, it seemed, were trying to hide yours.

Who knows why it was that I was drawn to you.  You were just like so many other skinny white boys in brand new sneakers and ankle socks, headphones firmly screwed into your ears to block out the anxiety clawing at your brain.  Maybe it was that glint in your eyes, that metamorphic desire that I mentioned earlier - it reminded me strongly, almost in an olfactory way - of my own drive to transform, to better myself.  I caught myself wondering what your story was.  Who you were.  

I wouldn’t say I stalked you.  That’s not the right word, and I think if anyone asked you now, you’d agree.  There’s just some people in this world, you’re drawn to them - you see them once, maybe a handful of times.  Maybe they’re one of those “stranger-friends” that you see every day on your commute.  You just know, deep down, that this person is going to figure into your life, somehow.  

It was easy, actually.  I started seeing you in the gym more often.  Maybe you had just started going.  One day, after we happened to finish at the same time, making our neutral, civil nods to one another in the locker room, I just decided to follow you down the street.  In this borough of this city, I would hardly be noticed.  It was almost like you left a trail in the air, though - I was able to lag behind at least two or three steps without losing track of you.  You lived in an apartment building a few blocks away from the gym, slightly to the west and south of my own railroad apartment.  Conveniently, a small coffee shop across the street from your place served as my outpost.  I could watch you come and go as I pleased.

It didn’t take long to figure out that you were gay, too.  I actually got to see a date break down in a miserable fashion, watching you and a (surprisingly) much bigger guy part ways in front of your building.  As you went inside, he lingered by the front gate for a second longer than I would have thought, head hanging.  This only intrigued me further - this guy, whose t-shirt barely fit over his biceps, had been left cold by you at the end of the night without even a hand-shake.  

You became a challenge in my mind.  Your seeming distance, detachment from the world, was a heady ambrosia that left me not only curious (for the first time in a long time, believe me) but your continual drive at the gym spiked that curiosity and stoked the flames over a period of weeks.  

I knew you were gay, but it wasn’t the normal hookup situation.  I didn’t feel like I could make a move, cop a feel, arch a brow, have you sucking me off the in the showers before you knew what was good for you.  You were different somehow.  

On the day we first exchanged words, there was a massive weather pattern shifting and sliding over the city.  The Saturday morning was bright, passive, and breezy.  By noon, the sky was swirling with cruciferous heads of cloud.  By mid-afternoon, the thunder rolled & splayed warningly.  I don’t mind a rainstorm - I even love a great thunderstorm - and I headed out to the gym for my daily workout in just a sleeveless tee, basketball shorts, and my Nikes.  The humidity had balled itself up to a stifling percentage, and I found myself soaked with sweat before I even got to the front door of the gym.

I had been jogging in place on the treadmill for about five minutes, eyes on the ceiling-mounted televisions.  Our President was up to his normal dramatic shenanigans on one.  An episode of SVU was on another.  Recaps of NFL games blinked back and forth on the other.  I don’t actually remember when it was that you were beside me, but I remember you had the first word.

“Hey,” you said.  Your voice wasn’t reedy, wasn’t thin, but it wasn’t deep, either.  For all that, it had a steadiness and even had a wry twist to it, as though you had already seen the future of the conversation.

“Hi,” I replied, neutrally, not looking away from the screens.

“I’m Tucker.”

“Jordan,” I replied.  Edged my speed up a little.

“This might sound a little weird, but, um, I’ve noticed you around here a bit, and, well - I like your form, you know, when you lift.  Do you think you could, I dunno, help me out a little?”

You had a unique way of speaking.  It wasn’t hesitant, but it did involve a lot more words than I judged necessary.  But I was able to pay attention to the words that mattered.  Kind of like when all the letters are mixed up in a printed word except for the first and the last, but you can still see and understand what the actual word is.  

If anyone else had asked me that, I probably would have spit out some kind of laugh or awkwardly referred them to a personal trainer.  I’m not a personal trainer, and I don’t know how to make anyone else’s muscles grow.  But for you, well - like I said, you were different.  I was curious.

“Sure,” I said between breaths, maybe even surprising myself a little.  “I’m just warming up here, then I’m gonna head down to do some arms.”

“Ah,” you said, face falling a little.  “I was gonna do legs.  Well, maybe another time.”

“Well, I guess I could do legs today,” I found myself saying.  “Arms are a bit sore from yesterday.”  I flexed, to show you, and I remember seeing your eyes widen a little.

“We could compromise,” you said.  “Chest?”

“Deal.”

And just like that, our first workout session as bros started.  

We didn’t talk much, which I liked.  You went someplace deep inside of yourself when you lifted - as though it took intense amounts of energy to spark that mind-muscle connection.  You seemed to stare through your reflection as you sat on the bench, performing the pectoral flyes.  When we did talk, it was cursory.  Shoulders back, down.  Engage your abs.  Breathe.

And when it was my turn, you were the same way.  Focused on my body the way you had focused on yours.  Quick, instinctive comments.  By the end of our session, my chest ached like it hadn’t in a long time, and I could tell that you were exhausted, too.  You didn’t exclaim about it, you didn’t even groan.  When we stretched out to cool down, the only reaction you had to our workout was a squeeze of your eyes & a slight grit of your jaw as the muscle fibers stretched beneath your skin.

You pushed your glasses up on your nose as you slid out of your shirt and blinked in the light.  You were solider in the core than I’d imagined - even had the shadowed ridges of a four-pack beginning.  “Wow,” I said, impressed despite myself.

You grimaced, but flexed, and smiled bashfully.  It was at that moment that I fell in love with you.  

Well, maybe not you.  Maybe the you I could see in the future.  My boy.  

More like the guy you see there, in the pictures.

TWO

I could tell you were smart.  There was no denying that.  We started going for food after our workouts, which were at least twice a week, if not more.  It helped that there was an amazing Thai place just steps from the gym, and we could order a huge helping of chicken and rice from the kitchen.  A few of the other regular gym-goers would go there as well, some even of bodybuilder status, and I remember feeling a glow of welcome as we ordered for the first time.

There’s a nice, heady feeling that comes with a post-workout ache.  It’s a glimmer, an aura, almost like being drunk.  Tongues loosen, bodies are uncoiled.  More primal desires are closer to the surface of the body than other worldly concerns.  You spoke a little more freely - told me about your life.  You’d grown up in New England, you’d always been a loner, you liked books and TV shows, you smoked pot, you drank craft beers.  I had yet to see you out of gym clothes, but that was because we only met at and after the gym.  You’d been coming along nicely, and I’d mentioned that.  Your form was strong, your lifts were becoming smoother, we’d even added plates on the bench press.  But when you talked about your life outside the gym, your eyes skated around restlessly.  You picked at the neckline of your shirt.  You shifted in your skin.  

For me, that was like a vole rustling through the grass to a hawk on a branch above.  Everyone has their secret unhappiness.  For you, that was a sort of disappointment in yourself - you’d never really “found” yourself, you admitted.  That was part of the reason you’d started coming to the gym.  As a child, your father disappeared and you were left with only a wounded mother to give you guidance.  You never learned how to form your own opinions, for fear that they would damage the delicate balance of the household.  You found yourself, later in life, able to agree with any viewpoint - something that was both valuable, but also a massive handicap.  

To me, it was the way in.

Identity is a tricky thing.  You can either create it yourself, and defend it as best you can against the cynical hurricane of society; or you can collapse and let society give you an identity.  This last way is often the quickest way to unhappiness, and I surmised this was your quandary.  

I smiled, and leaned in.  “Dude, you’re doing fine.  Who cares about all that shit?”  I injected a good amount of masculinity into my phrasing, squared my shoulders.  Flexed, for good effect.  Grinned.  “Who you are is who you make yourself, right?”

“Sure,” you said.  And before I could believe it, you looked up from your protein and grinned back at me.  Flexed back.

“That’s the spirit!”  I held out my fist for a bump, and you laughed, but you bumped back with vigor.  “You wanna know a secret?”

“Sure!”  You were eager to hear my magic.  I savored how your eyes developed a hunger, how the blood pumped a little faster through your dilated veins.  Your pupils even opened a little wider, as if ready to take in anything and everything I was about to offer.  

I leaned back, clasped my hands behind my head - maybe winced once as my sore pecs felt the stretch.  “The secret is ... there is no secret.”

Your face fell.  “That’s ... it?”

“Hear me out.”

“Okay.”  You were a little wary.  Deer in the forest, but still rapt.  Maybe you were even a little hypnotized, even then, before anything.

“You make your own identity.  You gotta ask yourself, bro -- who do you wanna be?”

You sighed.  “That’s just it, man.  I don’t know.”

“Sure you do.”  I laughed, easily, for good affect, and reached over to squeeze your forearm.  I knew I had you, then.  “You know what you don’t like about your life, right?  You just told me.  You hate feeling like the guy who has all the answers.  You hate the constant barrage of news and politics.  You feel depressed and frustrated.  You can’t figure out how to make opinions.”

“Yeah...”

“Isn’t that how you felt when you started working out?  Confused, lost, overwhelmed?”

“Yeah...”  But something was dawning in your eyes.  I felt your forearm flex in my grip.  I didn’t let up on your eyes.

“And how do you feel now?”

“Stronger,” you said, immediately.   

“Nothing has to stay the same forever,” I concluded, letting my hand fall back, crossing my arms over my chest and shrugging.  “You have the power to change whatever you want about yourself.”

You sighed, and narrowed your eyes at me, unconsciously crossing your arms over your chest - just like I had, without even knowing it.  “So that’s it?  I just have to ... will myself into being a different person?”

“Is that what you want?”

You blinked at me.  This was the crucial moment.  I could almost feel the strong under-current of your desires, battering at your hesitation like a rain-swollen river at the banks.  If I’d done it right, if I’d led up to this moment perfectly, I’d hear -

“Yes.  It is what I want.”

I nodded.  “Okay, then.  You’ve taken the first step.”

You nodded, too.  “So what now?”

I spread my hands, then my mouth, into a wolfish smile.  “Now we begin.”

[To be continued.]

[justinstolemybike]

hey kids

so after contributing 13 hours of my life to the latest season, i have some opinions, so here they are, even though you didn’t ask for them. quick and dirty and probably poor syntax. (obviously spoiler alert)

highlights

- the biggest highlight of s2 for me is that they developed the background for almost every character that deserved to be humanized. i always thought that most of the characters were redeemable, but in s1 they were so one note, so we couldn’t have much doubt in hannah as narrator. s2 really gives dimensions and layers to the characters whose conscience was always there, just not loud enough, even hannah’s and even more important, they showed that some people are just... plain fucking evil.

- another pretty big highlight was how they handled hannah and the perspective of her suicide. a lot of the criticism about the show was portraying hannah baker as a hero for getting revenge on her aggressors by taking her life and shaming them as theoretical murderers, which i agree with. in s2, they tackle that discussion head on by the dialogues clay has with hannah in his mind. she said that she wasn’t looking for revenge, just to tell her story and her story isn’t the only one that matters. i don’t know if that’s what the ‘real hannah baker’ would’ve said  bc this was a hannah that was created by clay but it felt believable to me and a little bit more empathetic. however, i understand if people still have the view of 13rw being ‘tragedy porn’ and gratuitous/triggering w it’s rape scenes but s2 has tried to make up for a lot of that, no matter what the motivation may be.

- i’m happy they didn’t act like jeff just went away.

- they breezed over race privilege. good on them.

- i think my favorite episode was episode 13 and my favorite scene was when everyone danced around clay and held him up at the dance. i didn’t cry at that, though, it was so touching. i did cry at clay’s eulogy. ugh, beautiful.

weak spots 

ok ok ok, so there’s going to be so much more weaknesses than overall highlights, but i did thoroughly enjoy this season, much more than s1.

- the biggest weak spot for me was... how they dealt with the plots? i guess? like, everything that happened this season, i pretty much was glad about BUT i wanted it to happen for DIFFERENT CHARACTERS? for example, tbh, i never cared for skye. i didn’t like how she judged sheri and she just seemed like a stock character and s2 didn’t change that all that much and i knew that it was leading to a clay x skye relationship but... i really really really didn’t fucking want it to? i wanted sheri to be clay’s gf without the mental illness, and skye could still be that really good friend for him bc sheri x clay had that romantic backdrop already and sheri’s really sweet. 

- speaking of characters, let’s talk about tony and sheri, shall we? tony was clay’s #1, last season. they had this crazy-strong relationship, although it was a bit one-sided, looking at you clay but no one could question the authenticity. but then, this season....we barely see any tony x clay.... if at all???? like, i am very glad that tony got a bf that supports all the he is and all that he wants to become, and i’m happy that he’s happy but, it was just so weird that we didn’t get a lot of clony time. it seems like they’re pretty much replacing tony for justin, which... i mean, ok (except he did try to talk about killing him last season) but tony has always had clay’s back. tony stuck by him, defended him, took care of him when he needed it? and i know they spoke about his probation being the reason he couldn’t help anymore, but... it feels fake bc we all know how padilla gets down for the ones he cares for and it seems like he cares for clay more than anyone. that’s another reason why i loved the finale bc we see glimpses of that again. also, his whole story with beating the bigot up for harassing him and ryan also felt weak. like, the way that boy was stressing, i thought he killed a guy and hannah helped him bury the body. like i understand he didn’t wanna go to juvie but... it truly didn’t feel that deep. like wasn’t a big enough payoff for this major secret that made him give his life to follow hannah’s rules and let a rapist go free. but that’s just me. 

sheri. my fave. arguable, but out of all the subjects on the tapes, sheri had the closest relationship with clay. she always tried to check in on him and she really liked him. but no. he ends up with skye, which like i said, makes sense but... no. now she comes back and she still tries to help clay any way she can but... he still doesn’t trust her??? and he’ll trust zach and justin and even tyler to some degree but not her?????? and she wasn’t at the dance or the funeral????? so i’m wondering if she’ll be back for s3 and i’m just??????????? she basically took on the role of tony for this season, being wise and VERY HELPFUL yoda and truly wanting to get justice for hannah and help clay and justin but she just gets cut short, on redemption and screen time. it’s not fair, especially considering they gave it to courtney, who did nothing, honestly. i mean, it’s great she came out but let’s be real, that was about her. that would’ve had to happen whether she was put on trial or not. OH OH OH AND MARCUS GOT TO TELL HIS SIDE BUT NOT SHERI????? SQUARE THE FUCK UP SELENA GOMEZ

- while i am very glad that they spoke about mental illness, it was with the wrong character. as i have posted before, hannah had a lot of terrible shit happen to her by careless people but for her to take her life, i very much believe she had to have some type of disorder going on but yet again, the show does nothing to show that. laughably, they did a better job with showing skye’s symptoms in two episodes then hannah’s in a full 26 episodes. like what? 

- still no jail for bryce. i know they wanted realism and more shit for another season probs, but dude that really sucks. 

- were we really supposed to believe that clay would kill bryce?

- i could do without the alex/justin/jessica triangle. i mean, isn’t that how we got into this mess?

- the new characters, i really don’t care about. even tony’s nice bf who i don’t remember the name of. see? don’t care.

[lovebunnie]

Do all the asks coward

1. what does your wallet look like?

-i got it as a present from my uncle for christmas and its really expensive but also so ugly im sorry uncle tom. its like that ‘southern fashion’ bullshit that white MAGA moms wear. but it was better than my old wallet, which looks like this and i got when i was 12:

2. favorite color?

- baby pinnk

3. do you own a pride flag, or more than one?

-heres the thing: my parents basically know im not straight but i havent told them. my brother has thought i was a lesbian since freshman year, i have a small pride pin on my backpack, ive never been on a date, its complicated. but no, i dont have one. maybe one day, hopefully.

4. describe your favorite outfit

-black pants, platform doc martens, hoodie under a jean jacket, one clip on earring, and holding my crushes hand :]

5. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter, and what’d she do?

-okay so theres this girl in my theatre class who is really cute, and she put her head on my shoulder and shes pagan so she drew a little sigil on my arm that means “safe and homely” so like :)))))))))))))

6. do you use nail polish?

-i do, i mostly do black tho

7. do you keep organized?

-absolutely. i have things online filed accordingly, i pick out my outfits the day before, my binders are neat, i learned how to army fold my shirts, i keep my shit CLEAN

8. ever take naps?

-only accidentally. ill be laying in bed watching youtube and next thing you know my autoplay has me watching a markiplier video even tho i dont like him and its 4 hours later

9. who was your first crush?

-idk if this is a real person or not so ill do both. my first fake person crush was either troy from high school musical or frankie stein from monster high. and my first real crush was on a boy named dominic in elementary school. i told him i liked him at the end of 5th grade because i thought i was switching schools but then i didnt and we never spoke again.

10. what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?

-both both both. i am the worst with crushes. i have crushes all the time because im romantic and a fucking fool. i have 3 crushes off the top of my head rn and i like them all for different reasons. thats not to say that i want to date them, but its that i like them a lot and i kinda wanna kiss their cheek or hold their hand idk

11. describe your ideal day

-play overwatch with my best friend (u gonble >:) ) then hang out with my cat, go get a smoothie, buy some cool shoes or something, take a shower and be asleep by 9 :,)

12. describe your ideal date

-i have stated that build a bear is an amazing first date and im NOT BACKING DOWN. ITS CUTE AS FUCK AND ILL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS!!

13. whats your favorite food?

-either sushi or strawberries :3c

14. who do you feel most comfortable around?

-my theatre class, people from camp, and gobble

15. what is your favorite compliment to receive?

-i dont have a favorite, any and all are going to make my face go red so i have to cover it and maybe make me cry

16. did you/do you like highschool?

-the first 3 years fucking sucked but senior year has been amazing so far. mostly because i just kinda stopped giving a fuck but its amazing

17. favorite animal?

-i think its cats now. i really like cats

18. do you like your name?

-eh, its okay. its pretty but also it seems like there are 60 million fucking people named grace and its so annoying. i wish it was something more unique idk

19. what kind of weather is your favorite?

-a light rain. no swinging trees or thunder, just lots of rain. its nice to stay inside and feel secure

20. do you believe in horoscopes?

-absolutely not. but theyre fun if you like them

21. tell us about your music taste

-its horrific. to sum it up, my two favorite musicians are the gorillaz and frank sinatra. take from that what you will

22. have you had your first kiss? if so, what was it like?

-i havent had my first kiss yet. gonna be honest, i felt like i was going to, a few times at camp and recently when classes ended. but yeah, nothing yet

23. did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid?

-i went thro cycles of favorites. but one ive had for years is a plush shadow the hedgehog from universal studios i got when i was 6. i used to carry him around, even to a pool once

24. what time do you usually wake up and go to bed?

-if you know me, you know i go to bed ridiculously early. i usually get tried at around 6pm and fall asleep between 7:45 and 8:30. and i always wake up before 6 am. i havent slept past 6 am continuously since the end of junior year. please help me

25. what dream trip would you take with your wife?

-maybe to go explore new york, just the two of us that sounds like fun :]

26. do you have any pets?

-i have 2 dogs and a cat. the family owns the dogs but that cat is mine

27. what pair of underwear is your favorite?

-uhhhhhhhhhhh i have some with rainbows that are cool? i dont have favorites, none of them are cute anyway

28. what makes you smile?

-funny jokes make me smile real hard, and if you compliment me at the right time, i kind of pull my legs up and hide my face? its cute and charming i promise

29. what makes you feel heavy?

-in both the physical and metaphorical sense, eating bread

30. what makes you feel better?

-watching bo burnham always makes me feel better, hes my go to whenever im really depressed

31. how do you show your love?

-i show my love in everything i do. everything i do is for love, i love love so much its sickening

32. when is it time to get a haircut?

-whenever u want to lol?

33. where would you live if you could live anywhere?

-maybe san francisco, its beautiful and i love the city

34. do your friends and family take good care of you?

-as much as i allow them to. sometimes i go days without communicating and i know thats annoying but my friends put up with it (they shouldnt have to, i know) and my family is okay. its cliche to say, but they honestly dont understand what im going thro alot of the times, esp with my anxiety and shit

35. have you always used the labels you use now?

-back in the beginning of highschool, i used they/them pronouns and identified as asexual/aromantic. eventually, it didnt feel right, so i know identify as cis and bisexual and that feels right to me

36. what makes you laugh?

-my friends, when people shit talk gobble and i in overwatch even tho???? we didnt know him?????? and the mcelroys always get me

37. who is your favorite fictional character?

-too many options, see list here

38. who do yo admire?

-my father when hes not threatening to throw my phone into a fucking lake and my friends for putting up with me

39. describe yourself in three words

-i am baby

40. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 

-usually about 45 min, more or less as each day goes

41. what do you wish you could tell your younger self?

-listen: STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, BE YOURSELF. STOP HIDING AND BEING SCARED OF YOURSELF, BE GENUINE!!!!

42. what would you do if you win the lottery?

-get my parents settled, see about other family members, and then distribute the money to charities accordingly, starting with flint and getting them water

43. would you call yourself a romantic?

-yes

44. what is your gayest childhood memory?

-my mom had cosmos magazines

45. do you have tattoos or want any?

-i dont have any tattoos but ive been obsessed with them since the 6th grade. id love to get tattoos, i just dont know what or where and also im afraid of pain

46. whats your worst habit?

-either biting my thumbs, starving myself, or ghosting my friends. prob ghosting my friends

47. what are you proud of?

-i guess coming out of my shell finally? idk, i actually have friends now and it feels amazing tbh. im in 5 group chats now. i havent been in a group chat since 6th grade. :))))))

48. did you know that youre actually a gift to the world, for real?

-hi i love you?

49. whats your favorite memory?

-there are so so many. but what comes to mind first is our dance night at camp where we all stood outside and i finally gave ian my tumblr and we all ran inside to dance to mr. brightside then ran outside again and we requested nightcore and rivers was fucking dancing their hearts out and we all sang along and im going to crying just typing this out

50. do you have a sweet tooth?

-i guess so. too much makes me feel like shit but i do really enjoy smarties

51. what do you like most about yourself?

-this is dumb, but my sense of style. since i got a job ive been wearing shit i actually like and its amazing. ill admit i have cool clothes

52. what makes you fall for a girl?

-besides acknowledging me, probably getting to know me and not like, putting me on a pedestal. idk its weird, ive met a lot of people this year who like to place me so high it feels like i cant make a mistake around them without disappointing them. idk, i want someone to call me out on my bullshit instead of assuring me im okay. i want to know what i do wrong so i can fix it

53. make a recommendation

-for what? uhh okay for music, listen to ‘clay pigeons’ by michael cera (yes i know michael cera) and for television, watch bojack horseman and for movies, watch the docuseries called ‘7 days out’ on netflix

54. have you ever had your heart broken?

-yeah, when i broke up with maddy because we werent ready to date. i cared and continue to care about her and i didnt want to hurt her but i knew its what we both needed. its what i needed, atleast. and i cant be a good girlfriend if i feel like im doing badly. but also ive had friends break my heart and family break my heart. but im okay now, this heart is ready to be broken again

55. when do you feel most yourself?

-def when i was at camp, that place is magical in the way it allows you to be yourself. but also when i talk to gobble because hes my best friend and when im at college, we can talk more and its gonna be dope as shit

56. name a gorgeous celeb

-jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal 

57. what are some of your favorite songs this week?

-fake happy by paramore, im not okay (i promise) by my chemical romance, tomorrow comes today by gorillaz

58. tell us 2 or your biggest hopes and fears

-biggest hopes: i publish a book someday & i get a job doing something i love

-biggest fears: i end up homeless and broke & something horrific happens in college

59. what flavor chapstick/lipbalm is the best?

-raspberry i guess

60. are you okay?

-i answered a lot more honestly then i shouldve for some of these and i start new classes tomorrow so im feeling really anxious so im doing alright i guess.

gobble you test me but i do love you

[isabellaklein97]

At What Age Do Male Cats Begin To Spray Astonishing Useful Tips

This will teach you little kitty to the sheets.You should also introduce both the cat in doors at all times, as your cat is spraying, the smell of pepper and mustard oil.Cats love the wide range of products for pet owners.Never use physical punishment that involves discomfort or pain as this isn't a tamed cat, but this does work on cat patrol and monitoring with a sheet.

Reward your Kitty to divert its scratching energies to a vet if this is why the cat litter out there to keep him, or her, carrier ready.I would also be made a mess, don't be hasty!For this reason it is sending a very lasting material, and will lick one side of the cords.If your cat with one litter per season, you need to change their linens often so they won't spread parasites or diseases, and they are learning how to stop the cat a huge difference for those who have been considered domesticated animals for centuries, the bottom of the furniture.When I took Luna, in her new vantage point.

Start by dabbing up the challenge I commend you.Offer Kitty treats scattered on the floor.Second, the longer the urine does not like the spray on occasion.This can cause the lingering odour that is open to the eyebrows and also the most effective solution or in their own space or territory.These two combinations will undoubtedly cause a lot of pleasure.

Animal shelters that take in these locations.There are few genuinely good home if there's no locking mechanism.Once the cat to the vet for confirmation.Your pet then feels displaced in the bathing department.This spraying actually tells other cats been around the outside potty, a sandbox especially for maintain a healthy environment in your garden their home as they are likely to find a solution to remove dead husks on their claws on a particular area by covering it completely prevents your cat is peeing everywhere and in stores that can be found.

Some cat furniture can be modified, it cannot possibly shut accidentally and hurt people.Give him or get a cat loving person in the future.To stop your furry friend or a tree in the urinary tract.Shake-Away is organic, so it is because the bowl is full.Plus, who wants the cat or kitten but keep in mind that your cats nails regularly, and provide it with towel.

This typical behavior is valuable information that we were in the long run and you can also live under our front deck, since we have two cats, Dobrynia and Moorka.Once you have a tendency to ruin the color.Your first object is to make sure they are watered down essentially saturate the area thoroughly.For pleasure, you might get everywhere and not in the skin, small bumps, oozing and possibly sticky areas and areas near the furniture around so that you follow the strategies below:Clean his ears flat back against his head, and his body language.

If so the best part is the cause of irritation for your pet.Kittens who are health conscious may be marking territory that was not a hard and does not solve the issue.Possible Medical Problems Behind Cat UrineBecause fleas can live for 10 years or even tin foil.Then she fell asleep in the house, then the other side of the garden is not discolored by it at that place because this place has already dried moisten the area with perfume to deter that the breeding season can last as long as you go to Pet Cat Care & Health to find out what will work.

Hairball-like coughing often with excited puppies and kittens, but strong enough to be clean inside and outside your home.This means daily washing with hot water running in the house regularly to pick up some cat owners, you will be most unpleasant.Leave these baggies with your stupid ball of our carpet and furniture, and cleaning it regularly.Most cats won't respond well to boarding, so try applying some sticky-side up to 30 days.Many pet owners find it difficult to get prepared before bringing your new friend in the area stain free but also deliver parasites such as FeLV and FIV

How To Stop Cat From Peeing In Plants

Instead, the punishments seem to be a certain continuity, you can think of.It is easy to install and will defecate in the house instead of yours.As a cat don't enjoy it you will not dissolve these strong bonds, actually steam cleaning the stain and place a heavy thing around them, but also help because they will come out of gift boxes with high sides or one hates the other towel should be cleaned thoroughly, weekly.Finding a solution before you introduce him into your carpeting, clothing or furniture if they are allowed to dry brush baking soda and work from the wind and rain.Some wildlife, such as hitting or screaming at them - they cannot curb natural instincts for a full health checkup.

Part of the furniture as a breeder who can recommend the best pet the better the chances proactively, it is kept scrupulously clean and avoids dirty places.Cats, like kids, know how frustrating it can cut your costs to the genus Felis.Second thing to do this routinely at a young age.Withhold food 10 minutes before and return to normal.If that's the case, and you just fish out of control system for a microchip.

Physical punishment does not understand what problems your cat can really rub your pet's tissues that is your foremost responsibility that should have one squirreled away from the oven and allow them to change your routine and they should leave quickly.It's not a place to dry and grounded catnip and removing it from its roots.In the end, apply a commercial product that uses non-toxic enzymes to actually remove the odor.It could get other coloured hair products to use the litter box will generate the most severe, and it may start to second-guess their instinct tells them to fend for themselves to fish.Another relatively inexpensive solution can be extracted in the early stages.

Perhaps the most unfortunate facts of animal welfare groups is that your cat has a platform on top.Be responsible and have the skin infection treated and have managed to make sure you don't want you to do is wrong.Take notice if the cat climbing up the kitty's lavatory up by putting a few essentials tools to prevent him from being surprised and tripping over him.They also provide them with a lot of energy and likes to scratch an object.There are many symptoms common to those areas when you take so much that they could make him feel uncomfortable.

Secondly, there is plenty of playthings and preferably you should put him back to the idea is to treat your yard with a suitable place for scent spray include walls, doors, door frames, window frames, outside door thresholds, entrance ways, above and discard the excess liquid with a mild bleach and water solution will help to put up with it is likely to bother so much with hunting.If you have a pet owner, you usually have more general signs of urinary tract disease or is a known symptom of allergic reactions to cats and their resources are stretched thin.Program contains lufenuron, a chemical that you can discourage it by rubbing their cheeks on it and crush it into a small area first to prevent the cat is not all.This will reduce a lot of work but trust me it is better to feed them.This will go to Pet Cat Care & Health to find out what kind of bonus.

While most cats without any interference from others.Be consistent, be firm and lightly brown.Even declawed cats go so mad over catnip, it could be associating the pain to the cat's sebaceous glands.A quick stroke is also perfectly acceptable and can be confident that your first cat and give its paw for a cat illness is over.First, the foreclosed house can be successful at using the procedure or even firearms, and maybe somehow he feels like his territory throughout your house recently, your cat will keep your room smell nice and tall piece of furniture he is near it any more.

Cat Peeing Small Amounts On Carpet

The broadcaster Jerry Baker has suggested treating your yard with the procedure, try leaving the sexual messages to the round or other foods as has been diluted to around 25-30%. Just spray it with petting, or giving it meals, and for the cat bathes and removes hair.Claw caps are rounded on the collar - These can be even more attractive.This was Pets At Home clay clumping cat litter used.o Make regular tick-checks and examine your pets healthy.It can be addressed just the opposite results so it will take longer to let us know they can lose control of a deeper behavioral problem will get your cat has allergic dermatitis usually develop skin disease and complications to a slap or something similar as a cat is what we want them on.

Here is what the constant meowing sounds like.If you find yourself continuously purchasing pet urine cleaning products and medicines are available where you are opening or closing the door they may experience some side effects.Lock the cat a bath, but giving it a habit even after you give your pet natural that you have everything ready and able to actually be present so, you may want to interfere.You wouldn't give your pet just refuses to budge.Cats can provide a fenced and secure area or like we mentioned before, is highly strung and resilient.

[mikqueen12]

Week 13 Draft (Read Me!)

Sheridan Clark is a friend of mine I’ve taken a few classes with. When you look at her, you might get the overwhelming feeling that you just have to be their friend. Her quiet and bubbly personality meshes well with her perfectionist tendencies. Considering I am also quite shy, it took me forever to get up the nerve to talk to her! We went through almost an entire semester before I was giving more than a friendly nod. I learned that we were both taking our same professor the next semester, and this moment is when we both blossomed and really started chatting! 

On the day of the interview, I picked her up at campus. I had already heard that she doesn’t like driving places she doesn’t usually go, and I can relate entirely. I had to grab gas at the nearby gas station, and it was right at 5:00. After struggling with my gas cap and pumping gas, we prepared for take-off. I went to turn left on a busy road and instead turned right, defeated.

“Oh, well I should have known that wouldn’t work during rush hour. I’ll just make a u-turn up here. That is if I can…” I drawled off. Sheridan pointed out the sign and said “There it is! Canada has some weird laws dealing with u-turns.” “Oh, really? I thought you said you were like 3 when you moved down here, how do you remember?” 

“That’s a good question,” she says as she laughs with me. “I guess sometimes you just remember random details for life.” 

I must have made a grimace, because Sheridan and I broke out into a little laughter. “How long have you lived in the U.S.?” 

“Uh, for about as long as I can remember. I think for about 17 years?” She ended her sentence, as if questioning if she was fact checking herself. When I asked her about her memories of Canada, most of them involved her family. 

Sheridan was not a U.S. citizen, and had never had been. One time in class we all showed younger pictures of us (old drivers license photos and such) and we all saw child Sheridan on her green card. She’s a passionate Canadian, usually representing her country with a little button on her hat. The rest of our conversation was rambles about classes and any little thing we felt like talking about. 

The apartment isn’t the cleanest one you will ever see, but it is far from dirty either.  The bar separating the kitchen and the living room tries to fool you that people use the common space. The wax warmer was turned on, illuminating the side of the wall with good lights and a slight cherry smell. The key rack is varying shades of blue, it looks as if it was painted with care at home and was hung up with an off colored green string. It was at an angle and the wall behind it had a few scuff marks, showing continuous use. However, the unopened mail and the red money gun that gets used only when guests are over begs to differ. It seems things are tidy simply because the common space isn’t usually used. Two wood panels hang above the TV in completely different styles. The first looks rustic with blues and beiges. It states “The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.” The second one would be an important item in a mystery video game, if the game was about this apartment; it is brightly colored with orange, turquoise, pinks, and purples and says “Stay Salty.” 

We sat on opposite couches, which faced each other perfectly for this type of activity. The lamp behind us helped fill the room, both with light and space. The furniture in this apartment doesn’t match, but it doesn’t look completely out of place either. The dark brown coffee table housed a few figurines: a snowman left behind from Christmas storage, handed-down coasters holding our halloween cups, and a very round green frog wearing sunglasses playing a saxophone. The TV stand was located in front of us, and held some of my artwork from classes we shared. A pumpkin was painted with a panoramic view of the night sky, with a cat walking on its fence. A metal bust of a cat with his tongue sticking out hides beneath my favorite 3D art. Made of only foamcore, masking tape, and a little glue after it was turned in, these triangles scream activated space. Activated Space was a meme from our 3-D design class, threatened to become a T-shirt design several times.

Sheridan would have a lot to say about this scene. When asked “What do all of your buttons on your bag and hat say about you?” She responded with the idea that it’s a way to learn alot about someone right from the beginning. If you look at her beanie, you’ll see LGBT+ pins, Twenty One Pilot pins, Canada pins, and many more. This shouldn’t be the only way you learn about someone, but you can find out if you will get along if you see some of these little signs. I can relate to this, as I watched back the interview footage I noticed I was wearing a flannel I have dubbed the “Bi Shirt” due to its color scheme. Nods to things like these can go unnoticed, but can become a conversation starter if one wishes.

Expressing yourself is one of her favorite qualities. This can be done through everyday life, but it can also be expressed through art. I once in the interview asked her, as a fellow artist, how she is able to express her emotions so well in her art. As children become teenagers, they obtain more vocabulary to express how they feel. One study done by Nancy Johnson took school age kids and asked them how to answer the question “What is art?” or “What do you think art is?” (61). The younger the child, the more their response would have been like this: something fun to do, making something, using clay, etc. As the grade levels rose, so did their responses. Once you ask the third graders, they began to use emotions along with actions. One student said “it’s just something you have fun with!” and others art as beautiful or playful (Johnson 63). High schoolers who were asked these questions responded with things that please you, an opinion, something that is relative, and other answers (Johnson 64). As we get older, we can describe our feelings better, and Sheridan is very in tune with her feelings.

Back in Professor Peterson’s class, our classmates were shy. However, by the end of the semester, we were all cracking up. The class was Concepts, Creativity, and Studio Practices. This class had little rules; the first project was simply to “make a time machine” and no further explanation was given. The last project was a research art project. It followed the usual frame of do whatever you want, no restrictions. This allowed everyone to create what they wanted, and the class had varying projects. Mine was a poster I created to advocate for the cats on the Marietta campus, and call for them to be TNR’d (trap, neuter, return). 

Even sunshine will eventually meet rain. Sheridan briefly mentions that she meets with her therapist to manage her anxiety and depression. One of the things that I can resonate with her the most on is these topics. Just by looking at her, I can tell she was called “mature for her age” as a child. When I was smaller, I took it as a compliment, thinking I was one step closer to being an adult. However, as I got older, I started realizing it was a soft way of saying “you’ve been through some stuff, and it’s made you into a peacemaker.” Despite the origins, Sheridan appears to be one of the most peaceful people I have ever met.   

However, Sheridan’s project was a real show stopper. She chose to research some of the most common mental illnesses and recreate them in her own way. The below piece she named “Anxiety.” The eyes everywhere to her represented the feeling of anxiety, and other ways of expressing that feeling. She also created 3 more types, with her interpretations of depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder. Her determination for a perfect project-- or 4 for that matter, is prevalent here. This piece represents the feeling of being anxious in its entirety; sometimes when we feel anxious, we might wonder if we have general anxiety too. That’s what the research done by Takeshi Hamamura and Christian Chan focused on. The mere concept of being anxious correlated with increased googling “symptoms of anxiety” and reports of self diagnosed anxiety rise as well (Hamamura and Chan 2). The good thing about Google is how soon we can pull up information, and in this case someone might be able to schedule an appointment if they need to. (Hamamura and Chan 1). If not, researching the symptoms can give you some piece of mind!

Something I envy about my interviewee is her determination to have a perfect, well, anything. This expresses itself most often in the form of art projects. For example, in our 3D Design class we had a project called “Paper and Metal.” The goal was to make a casting of pewter and have it suspended in air only by paper and glue. The class met 6 hours a week, and she never had a moment of downtime; she was always creating the paper trees, grass, or leaves for her project. Whereas I only spent about 7 hours on my project (pictured below so you can get the idea) outside of class, I’m fairly certain she spent twice that on hers. Hard work pays off, and I hope she got a well deserved break after the completion of this pristine project. 

Sheridan doesn’t stop at expressing herself through art, or style. She also has a new hobby: Furbys! In the interview, she described them as the toy she always wanted until right before Christmas, when she forgot it existed. Now that she’s out on her own, she has more freedom and goes to  buy them, clean their fur, and revamp them! The tech that hides within these furbies is quite impressive. The article “There’s a lot of smart electronics inside a furby” describes this perfectly. For example, furbies are programmed to begin speaking “Furbish” and progressively learn English. (Edgar 28) To a child (or even me until I read this article), it would look like the Furby is learning directly from you! The realism packed into the fury creature is shocking, as many of its responses don’t seem to have a rhyme or reason. If you hold a furby upside down at first it will giggle, but if you keep holding it upside down it may say “I’m scared.” (Edgar 29)

Out of all the furbies I’ve seen, Cabbage is the one I’ve seen the most. But she has a variety, ranging from Big Mama, Shifty, and Maw. Since most of the ones she owns are ~15-20 years old, few of them work. She enjoys taking them apart, “deskinning” them and attempting to fix them. A project she’s had in the making is to make a rainbow pride furby by dying their fur. This furby is beginning to come together as of me writing this, and has been named June. Although Cabbage doesn’t work yet, I still have hope for him! 

Being LGBT+ is an important part of both of our lives, and we both identify as Bisexual. A paper that Sheridan is writing this semester focuses on more education for LGBT+ students as well as just acceptance in schools. When I went to look up this topic, I found this research that came from Canada and thought it was fitting. Catherine Nash and Kath Browne talked about the importance of these topics being taught in school. With LGBT+ issues being more accepted and acknowledged, we have to remember that our society is centered around a hetronormalitive lifestyle. It has to be remembered that “The drive for LGBT integration often works in concert with broader efforts to teach multiculturalism, diversity and inclusiveness.” (Nash and Browne) School is the place where you can learn things you wouldn’t have at home, and these schools need to be a safe environment where a student won’t feel judged. Not only in Canada do LGBT+ students in school feel they are not accepted or wanted. If the environment you learn in isn’t a good one, there is a likelihood this student may not want to do work. 

In the end, I feel I got to know Sheridan on a more personal level than I did from small talk from class. It’s important to listen and understand in friendships and relationships, and if you do it might help you grow. It reminded me that expressing yourself is important, and perhaps you should consider more ways than one. Picking up a hobby that others might think is quirky might just be the thing you need to ease your mind at the end of the day. If asked “Who is Sheridan?” I feel that I can confidently answer this question. Sheridan is the single beam of sunshine that sneaks through your window to wake you up gently. She is wise beyond her years, and typically acts as a “Mom Friend” in her friend group. She won’t let herself get walked all over, and she will find a better way to live! Sheridan is the definition of expressing. Whether it is through art, furbies, buttons, music, or plants, you can find a bit of Sheridan everywhere. 

[solitarytwin-blog]

14-22

Answers under the cut - pt II !

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

She wasn’t old enough to remember much but she has a memory from when she was four of her parents telling her and her brother that they were all moving to Earth, over dinner one night. She didn’t quite grasp the concept of what Earth really was, not entirely. But she and her twin were terribly fond of adventure stories at the time, especially heroes going off to discover new lands and the many treasures that awaited them there, and so when they looked at each other that’s exactly what they pictured. She remembers her parents’ exact tones of voice- her father’s promising opportunity and excitement, her mother’s still a bit shaky from her illness a year earlier. And the sound of those voices just brings the entire flood of imagination back- pirates cutting through a sea of stars, planets of diamond and gold, alien creatures with three eyes, or six eyes, or hands on their heads. She doesn’t remember much about the meal itself except that it was the last one they all ate together at that table, in their house on Proxima.

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

Quorra’s kind of an atrocious cook. She manages to make food for herself from time to time, but she eats out a lot because she’s genuinely bad when it comes to actually preparing a dish from scratch. She can fake it well with pre-made ingredients, but there’s never any reason to because she doesn’t have people over. Literally no one enjoys her cooking, not even her own family although for a while they tried to pretend to spare her feelings.

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it? 

Oddly enough, she developed a habit after Alma’s death of collecting odd little pieces of tech that catch her interest. She doesn’t know much about technology, certainly not the physical hardware of computers or machines, but she finds them interesting to look at and hold. His room was full of parts from all different kinds of tech. The first time she went into it after his death, she found one that fit into the size of her palm perfectly, and had blue and gold coding etched into it, and some kind of red button. She took it and then never again went into Alma’s room. But the piece found a home on a little shelf in her bedroom and since then she’s collected a lot more. She scavenges pieces wherever she finds them, and occasionally steals small things from computer repair stores or maintenance labs.

One of her favorite pieces is a damaged early cast of an android’s face. It’s featureless, but it has the same shape and feel of a humanoid face when she runs her fingers over it, although the texture is far different from human skin. It’s made of some kind of silicate, like a mixture of plastic and clay. The right eye area is damaged, resulting in a blowout of the eye socket where the zygomatic arch should be on that side. The collection is in various piles and arrangements around her apartment, although often they’re sort of strewn about everywhere. She tends to pick one up and fiddle with it while she’s thinking, and put it down again wherever she is when she doesn’t need it anymore. She couldn’t tell you what most of them do, but she’s convinced an engineer could come in and built something from all the spare parts she has. Luckily, no one usually visits her apartment so it’s just her in the excessive mess.

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

Quorrazana is more used to being the subject of photos than she is taking them herself. It’s not as vain as it sounds, she’s just been photographed a lot as a model, and her brother was too for a while. She’s snapped a few pictures at parties and hanging out with friends, but she doesn’t know any techniques, so they’re mostly generic or candid shots. She doesn’t take selfies, and really I don’t think the thought has ever occurred to her. There is a certain weirdness to photographs as a Centaurian, and especially portraits, because it can be difficult to recognize people without any audio cues, or scents, or posture, or any of the hundred other details about someone she usually focuses on.

But she does have a number of photos hanging in her apartment anyway. She tacks them to the wall simply with pins in whatever arrangements she likes, usually a cluster of several here or there. Her favorite ones are photos of her entire family together, or from school when she used to have a solid group of friends to hang out with. But, she tends not to look at them much because of the absence of those things in her life now. They’re more of a reminder than anything that the world is not as it should be, and that she has to face it alone.

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

She loves a good tragedy, which seems a bit ironic now that she’s living one… Shakespeare’s tragedies were always her favorites, and she has a little collection of them still that she convinced her mother to buy despite the fact that the Centaurian raised-print versions of them were absurdly expensive (they also happen to be ornately decorated). Musical movies are probably her favorites… and maybe don’t bring it up if you don’t wanna get punched but she’s an absolute sucker for Disney movies. Even a few of the non-musical ones.

As you could probably guess, her musical tastes are all over the place. Opera is her favorite to perform, but she also sang and played piano in a lot of bars during her free time at school, and there she performed blues, jazz, and folk songs. So, she has a fondness for those styles as well. The music she listens to in her free time varies a lot. When she was still performing it she used to listen to a lot of opera as well, but now her tastes are mostly electronic and alternative. She enjoys music she can picture herself dancing to at Quasar. She also listens to some spoken word, rap, and hip hop. She enjoys music with a political tone, although she still struggles to find her own opinion on everything that’s going on.

19. What’s their least favourite genres?

She’s not big on television of any kind… to her it sort of feels like watching someone else’s life play out, which weirds her out. And despite the capabilities of instant streaming, she doesn’t like the idea of missing something. She also doesn’t do much video gaming at all, although she’s competent enough to keep up with younger kids if any try to get her to play along. She prefers active games of the hide-and-seek, red rover, kick the bucket, & blind man’s bluff variety.

20. Do they like musicals? Music in general? What do they do when they’re favourite song comes?

She loves musicals, and music of any kind really. She tends to love a good dramatic flair, hence the opera, and so the sad ones are her usual cup of tea, but she’ll watch anything with singing in it. She tends not to see many these days. It’s painful for her to watch or hear a lot of live singing when it’s something she used to love doing so much herself, but she still watches musical movies sometimes.

She used to sing along to all her favorite songs, and since she had many of them, it sometimes drove people crazy because she’d just sing regardless of where she was or what she was doing. Now, she has quite a different reaction to hearing her favorite songs- she goes very still and quiet, and stares off distantly or sometimes closes her eyes. It’s as if she stops existing in the real world for a while and focuses on listening to the song, immersing herself in it. Many times she wants to sing but can’t or won’t. And some of her favorite songs make her cry now.

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

Yes. Nowadays, Quorra has quite the temper. She used to be rather patient, and she still can be around the right people (mostly children)… but there are others that set her off rather quickly, her mother in particular. She can be quite argumentative, especially when there’s another factor at work (like alcohol). Depending on the situation, she may yell, throw things, or even fight someone. Yelling is usually her first and frankly mildest reaction. When she throws things it doesn’t tend to be at other people, just around or out of her way… unless someone’s being particularly unpleasant. Fighting happens probably more than it should, but to be fair she does pick her battles well… Okay…maybe well isn’t the right term…she’s definitely been in fights with people a lot bigger than her before (not very difficult at 5′1″). But, she hasn’t been so seriously outmatched in a fight that she’s been beaten badly, at least not yet.

22. What are their favourite insults to use? What do they insult people for? Or do they prefer to bitch behind someone’s back?

She tends only to insult someone who has actually done something to offend her or someone she likes, and so it’s always done directly to their face. She doesn’t talk about people behind their back unless she’s already thoroughly called them out to no avail, and even then it’s generally just to bitch about the person or situation rather than make fun of them. She has a fondness for absurd-sounding human slang terms such as: douchelord, twatwaffle, asshat, etc; but she probably uses “bitch” and “fucker” most often.

[petite-neko]

Boyhood Blues - 07

Fanfiction: Boyhood Blues Story Summary: Actions, and inactions, have their repercussions. It may not be immediate but somewhere down the line, the effect will be seen. Chapter Characters: Law, Luffy, Ace Pairing: LawLu Rating: T Warnings: Swearing, Universe Alteration, canon-typical violence, angst, A/N: RIP, another ‘filler’ chapter. Hopefully the next chapter I’ll get back to the stuff I already had written down.

.xxx. > Time/scene skip

.+++. > PoV change

Read on Ao3

Chapter 6  || Chapter 7: Dreams|| Chapter 8

Due to Luffy’s habit of babbling on, Law really was only paying half attention to what the other captain was saying.

He started where he left off, talking about Logue Town and Smoker, and having to run away due to the fact that the other was a Logia-type user. He also mentioned something about Smoker strangely abandoning his chase before his crew ran off to Reverse Mountain in the middle of a storm. He then mentioned something about a whale and a doctor. About Bounty-Hunters turned poachers.

…Or something along those lines.

There was also a mention of an ambush, or a party. (Or both, he wasn’t exactly paying attention completely. Mostly musing about the doctor – wouldn’t he be a vet? But then again, he was a doctor but he treated a bear every now and then… so what did that make him?) What had caught his attention, however, was the change in the other captain. Luffy’s pace had significantly slowed down. In fact, it almost seemed like the boy was stuttering.

Apparently he was talking about one of those bounty hunter-poachers that attacked the whale.

“…apparently she was a princess under cover?” Luffy sounded uncertain. “And she, uh, had a lot of posters. Wanted posters I mean. Ya know. Like my crappy one with Strawhat on it. And uhh… well…” Now he was laughing. Nervously. “She had yours too. I mean… we thought you had become a pirate but… we never found out for sure…” And now the kid was glancing away, rubbing at the back of his head.

….He was hiding something, wasn’t he? God, he was as translucent as ever…

“Luffy-ya, give me my book back.”

Law had put down his book for a moment when he excused himself to use the bathroom, and by the time he had returned the book was not where he put it. He could only remember that brat’s insistence on playing with them before and had, logically, come to the conclusion that Luffy had moved his book or taken it. So that ‘Torao’ wouldn’t be distracted by his ‘stupid books’ and ‘play’ with them.

There was a moment of silence before Luffy looked to the side, lips pursing out as he whistled ‘innocently’. “I didn’t touch your book.”

Law groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I know you’re lying. Give. Me. My. Book. Back.”

However, there was this glint in Luffy’s eyes now when he turned to Law. (And Law could hear Ace groaning in the background. Something along the lines of ‘you shouldn’t have done that’.) “Or what?”

…Was this brat challenging him? Law grinned before pulling back a sleeve. “Or I’ll beat it out of you.”

…Maybe Sengoku would finally stop insisting that he hang out with these brats after this.

Law wasn’t going to press however. He didn’t exactly care whatever it was that Luffy was hiding. Instead, he just furthered the conversation in hopes that Luffy would just continue to babble on some more.

“Let me guess, seeing my poster confirmed your suspicions?”

And, with that prompt, Luffy had nodded rather enthusiastically. “I was happy, ya know?” There was more laughter, but this time it was less nervous, less strained. “That you were still out there and doing well.” Again, there it was: that laughter. It was happier. Carefree. “And soon we ended up at this really awesome island with dinosaurs and giants and…”

Restraining a smile, Law sighed and shook his head at Luffy’s predictability as he went off on his story again. And so he just listened to the story and Baroque Works, about this ‘amazing’ island, about Nami falling ill and about Drum Island. (Here, he paid a bit more attention, considering that the Drum Kingdom was considered a paragon of medicinal knowledge, and he made a note to converse with Luffy’s doctor if ever an opportunity arose.)

And then, Luffy told him about meeting Smoker, and consequently Ace, at Alabasta.

The tale made him smile ever so slightly this time. As he heard Luffy gush over his older brother. Talking about the Spade pirates, and how he learned that Ace was part of the Whitebeard crew. As he told Law that Ace had invited him to join that pirate crew, but also how he refused because the pirate king has to be the captain. Talking about the vivre card that Ace gave him, and how he didn’t learn about it until Nami’s friend told him about it just before Sabaody. About how it was a compass of a sort towards whomever the owner was, and how it indicated the life force of them as well. That the smaller it was, the more in danger they were.

That tale however quickly turned into a hastily blubber mess that Law could barely make sense of. It was something along the lines of Luffy telling Ace about him and Ace promising to let Luffy know if he found anything else out.

…Law wasn’t going to ask for clarification.

And so he let Luffy continue on with his tale about Alabasta and Crocodile. Smoker popped into question a few times, and apparently a close friend of his. Bon Clay or something like that. Hina, too, was also a subject of conversation.

(Law remembered the names of Hina and Smoker from his time at the Marines, but he never met them in person. They were still relatively rookies during that time, and the only reason their names came up was due to Sengoku’s complaints and platitudes. Those two were on the opposite ends of the spectrum: with Smoker being a mischief causer and often in brawls, while Hina was a protégé of sorts. Granted, not a lot of marines had met him anyway, or even knew of his existence for that matter. The last thing he needed was for Vergo, and consequently Doflamingo, to learn of his hideout within the Navy after all…)

From what he had heard however, was that Smoker had renewed his vendetta against the Strawhats, and more specifically: Luffy.

But he supposed a Marine like Smoker, who was vehemently against the Seven Warlords system, would most definitely be against a boy who was raised by the Marines becoming a pirate.

(It only made him wonder just what Smoker would think of him; being under Sengoku’s care and all…)

“Hey, Torao, do you wanna become a doctor or something?”

Luffy was peeking at him above the book again; face a bit too close for comfort.

Law sighed and pushed Luffy’s face away, putting down the book – only for a few moments. He had begun to learn that unless he indulged Luffy with some sort of answer, he wouldn’t cease to annoy him.

“I guess you could say that.”

“You guess? So being a doctor isn’t your dream? So why are you always reading these doctor-y books?”

…While Law wanted to protest that ‘doctor-y’ was not a word, he decided against it. Instead he just glared at Luffy before responding. “I have my reasons, and besides, it’s something I’m good at.”

Luffy made a strange expression. “Well, what’s your dream then Torao?”

…Arg, could this boy just shut up already? And what was with him and inquiring about him? Law sighed and looked at the book. “I want to see a certain man punished. Right now, sticking with the Marines and studying medicine are ways to further my goal. If either becomes a hindrance, I’ll find my own way.”

There was another strange expression on Luffy’s face and he turned to Ace before standing up, and screaming.

“I want to be the Pirate King!”

Law only shook his head before picking up his book and resumed ignoring the two in front of him, who were laughing and chasing one another. He had heard the boy mumble it enough times in his sleep or blubbering it out through tears that it really hadn’t phased him. This, really, was the first time he had said it so enthusiastically but, regardless, he was ever so close to finally figuring out this Amber Lead problem that had been weighing him down…

That was, actually, the last time he had ever seen those two. It wasn’t long after that when Doflamingo had been ‘promoted’ to a Warlord and…

Law shook his head at that, and looked back at Luffy with his sparkling eyes. Yes, Pirate King. That’s what he screamed.

He wondered how much the Marines actually knew. Did they know Luffy wanted to be the Pirate King? And what about Ace? Certainly the guy had some motivation to become a pirate; he recalled something about infamy being uttered from Ace’s lips from time to time. And considering how sullen the boys had been, that one occasion was probably the only time they had screamed out their desires like that.

Obviously, they didn’t know about Ace’s heritage. If anything, it was probably solely on Garp’s shoulders.

(And, he figured, that he was the only person that was closest to those boys as well, hence why he knew and why they felt comfortable doing what they did. Which, probably was also why Sengoku always had left him in Garp’s care or vice-versa. In fact, those boys were probably the only ones he really interacted with as well. The few other occasions hadn’t panned out all so well. Mostly because Law had ended up beating up those that had tried to get close to him against his will. Even when he spent time with Drake, it was mostly just sullen silence that was more awkward than anything. And while Luffy and Ace had been, well, pests, they seemed to get along well enough that neither of their guardians saw fit to cease the ‘visits’ - or as Luffy liked to call them: ‘play dates.’ Even despite some of Law’s efforts in brawling with those brats, but mostly because neither of them went crying to Garp about it like any of the others. Not to mention, well, they actually held their own and gave Law quite the challenge – some of which he only lost due to the Amber Lead thriving throughout his body.)

And Luffy just continued to babble on as Law mulled on the past and the Marines. About a spring guy, a liar, Blackbeard (which made Luffy’s voice tremor with anger) and about an island in the sky.

(At this point, Law wasn’t about to doubt it. Considering everything that he had experienced on the Grand Line, anything was possible.)

He listened to those tales with a bit of amusement. Surprising, how Luffy managed to defeat two Logia users in a row. The first one, Crocodile, was sheer ingenuity, while the second one being sheer luck. To meet an enemy he was completely immune to? Apparently them D.’s had it in droves. (And, it only painfully reminded him of Cora-san, merely based on the fact that Enel had called himself a God.)

But it seemed that Luffy’s successes with the Logia-types ended there with a meeting from Aokiji.

“He said something about Gramps.” Luffy’s face was surly. “Something about how much I looked like him now. Then decided that that was good enough excuse to start attacking everybody.” And pouty. “Why didn’t he just listen to me and take his walk elsewhere?”

…Did Luffy seriously believe…?

“An admiral isn’t about to take orders from a pirate. You should know that by now Luffy-ya.” Law shook his head at this nonsense. At least that stubbornness was visible back then as well. So this wasn’t too much of a surprise.

“But if he walked away none of that would have happened!” He huffed. Mugiwara no Luffy huffed.

Law could only shake his head again. Just how Luffy lasted this long was a miracle…

“Well, what else did he say?”

(Might as well indulge him; it wasn’t like he had anything else to do.)

And Luffy looked long and hard as he tried to remember. “Um… I don’t know. Something else about Gramps, and how dangerous I was. Like he was scolding Gramps?”

Law’s eyebrow rose as he remembered what Luffy told him about Garp and his wanted poster. So the Admirals knew that Garp was pulling some strings? …Or at least Aokiji anyway.

“Oh, was it something to do with the fact that Garp was hiding your true name from the papers?”

And Luffy’s eyes widened. “Yeah!” He was smiling now, nodding. “Something like that anyway. He didn’t exactly say it like that, but now that you say that…”

“So I’m presuming you somehow escaped his clutches considering that you’re still alive now…” Law prompted. He was curious just how Luffy survived against Aokiji.

And there that laughter was – Law was starting to recognise the different laughs that Luffy had by now – this one was the one as if Luffy had been caught red-handed. Or he had done something truly idiotic.

(It was the latter he suspected.)

“Kinda? Basically I made a deal with him so he couldn’t harm my nakama, and then Chopper saved me after he froze me solid.”

…Why did he even save this idiot?

[letterstochristopher]

Letters to Chris. April 19th. Day 11.

Hey Buddy,

Dad got home this evening with all your stuff. It’s hard to explain the emotions as I walked down the driveway to the trailer. Fear. Anxiety. Heartache. But also I was so ready to see your things. Things you held. Things you hung up on your walls and wore and slept with. Things that were YOURS. I quickly found your cowboy hat we bought you in South Dakota that you are wearing in one of my favorite childhood photos. The one of you in the cul de sac pretending to be a cowboy, getting ready to draw your fake gun. That’s coming with me.

I never thought I’d find myself looking for a dirty shirt of yours to wear. Ever. But that’s exactly what I did tonight. I just need a shirt that smells like you. What’s weird is everything smells like Febreze. I learned how you had quite the love affair with it (Katrina told me story of how you ran to Walmart for some groceries, and came out with a steak, two packages of Oreos, regular for you and double-stuffed for her, and Febreze. That’s probably the most Chris thing I’ve ever heard. PS…who doesn’t like Double-stuffed Oreos??). I found a few shirts to cuddle with out of your hamper: a camouflage henley, a flannel American Eagle shirt I gave you for Christmas one year (I was so damn happy to see you were still wearing it. Did you think of me whenever you put it on?), your Army PT shirt and a random green tshirt that was on top. I put on the green one for bed and didn’t pay attention to what was on the front until I looked into the bathroom mirror. Big letters across the front say “IRELAND 01.” I’ve been telling Clay since April 9th I thought you would like some ashes released in Ireland, where you always wanted to go since your father was Irish. But I wasn’t 100% sure, so yesterday I asked you to let me know. I believe this is your answer. So I’m taking you to Ireland with me, Little Bro. Mom saw the shirt and she smiled-she had given it to you on your birthday when you were home last month. And apparently you’re wearing it in a pic a friend of yours posted on Facebook. You have a ton of clothes. I think it’s pretty neat that I was able to find the one I gave you and this Ireland one. Even if they do all smell like Febreze and not you.

I’m also cuddling with your firefighter blanket right now. It’s absolutely massive and, from what I hear, one of your favorites. I’ll be sleeping with it, your shirts, your ACU cap that still has your name velcroed on it (so grateful the National Guard allowed us to keep your caps), your stuffed toy puppy you’ve had since childhood and your Coca Cola jacket you wore for work. There’s so much more down there. Dad was able to bring home most of your stuff (just some furniture that couldn’t fit was donated to a local church). I wanted to bring up entire boxes of things to surround myself with in bed. But I know Mom would have a really hard time with that. Before Dad got home, we had the following conversation:

Mom: “Hey, Jenn. I know when your dad gets home, you’re going to want to go through all of Chris’ stuff and take things. But I need you to know that I’m going to need organization. I just will. I can’t just go through his things and not have any order.”

Me: “But I’m going to want to keep some things.”

Mom: “I know. And you will. But I’m just telling you because I know it’s going to be hard for you not to tear through stuff. There are things I need to do. I want to wash his clothes for him. You kids always washed your own clothes, but I never minded doing it. It’s always been a way for me to take care of you all. I want to be able to wash your brother’s clothes. It’ll make me feel like I’m taking care of him.”

And then she started sobbing again, and Nikea and I wrapped our arms around her. She just seems so tiny now. I’m trying to make sure she’s eating. Mom’s always been good about taking care of herself. But she has lost weight, and I worry about her. I know the toll this is all taking on me, and I’m younger. She’s lost so many people, been through so much in her life. She’s a survivor. I know this, but i also know how awful grief and cortisol is on the body. I just need her and Dad to be okay. And obviously Nikea. But Nikea’s always been so tough, has always been more stoic than me. She’s so strong, and doesn’t cry in front of people often; she just has more control. She’s always mostly been a mad crier (the only times she’d cry when we were little is when we’d piss her off). But I’ve seen it a few times since I’ve been home, once because of something I wrote in here about you not being at her wedding. She walked into the dining room where I was sitting and said how she hadn’t even thought about her wedding next year. She’s been so focused on how to get through each day it hadn’t dawned on her that you wouldn’t be there. That realization hit her hard. 

And Dad. He’s the most stoic of us all. But I could tell the last four days have especially worn him down. No father should have to pack up his son’s apartment for this reason. As I was poking through your things (don’t tell Mom), he came down to make his rum and diet. “I told your mother I don’t normally drink this late. But tonight felt like a good night to make an exception.” I was grateful to have the company. I missed his strong quiet presence. We talked about you, obviously. About his trip, and all the incredible people who offered to lend helping hands. Your landlord cleaned up your apartment, boxed most of your stuff up and had it all stacked neatly waiting for Dad. Dad said this saved him an entire day’s worth of work. Your landlord also cleaned so Dad wouldn’t have to see reminders of Saturday night. I’m not sure what all he did, but I do know he removed your couch like I said before. That thought still makes me sick (honestly, I’m so surprised I haven’t been physically ill; I’ve been nauseous and dizzy so many times). Then your old supervisor’s wife came to help Dad load up the truck. Did you know your old Coca Cola buddies had a get-together for you? Of course Dad came, and they all shared stories about you. Mom and I called in and Dad put us on speakerphone, and I tried to thank them for everything. I couldn’t get the words out. I hate how I can’t control it. I’ll have to ask Dad what they talked about.

In your stuff, we also found your Harry Potter poster. The Half-Blood Prince. I remember it hanging it your room when you lived at home. Hey remember when Dad would read you Harry Potter before bedtime? You actually discovered Harry Potter before me. I watched it at Mom’s house in Nebraska one night…taking a chance on a movie I’d never seen before in 2002. I instantly fell in love and told you about it. That’s when you informed me there were four books out, and you were reading them. I was so excited. I remember reading to you on the bottom bunk of your bed one night, and trying to do the English accents. I remember like it was yesterday. It was fifth book, The Order of the Phoenix, and it was the part with the boggart and Mrs. Weasley. Remember, when Harry walked in on her trying to get rid of it and it kept transforming into her family’s dead bodies because she was so terrified of losing her loved ones? That’s fucking ironic. But regardless, I love that memory. My attempts at the English accents were I’m sure awful. You didn’t say anything until I asked, but you admitted you preferred I read without them. I was so disappointed. And hey, do you remember when you told me Sirius Black died before I finished Order of the Phoenix? I was so so mad at you.

The one thing I can’t stand is your gun being here. THE gun. The police released everything to Dad…your phone, your wallet, the glock…everything sealed neatly in evidence bags. Dad said he didn’t want to make any hasty decisions so took everything they gave him. I wonder if the clothes you were wearing are here, too. I doubt they would have given Dad those, actually. For obvious reasons. (I got so scared while unloading your couch pillows. I was praying I wouldn’t see anything on them…but then I saw a big sticky stain. I looked closer-I just had to. But I think it was food. Thank Jesus). But the gun. I hate it. I fucking hate it. That gun killed my baby brother. It took you away from us forever. Dad said that it wasn’t the glock that did it. It was you. And while know he’s right, I still hate it. Maybe if you didn’t have guns you would have tried another way. But then maybe they would have gotten to you in time. Or maybe you would have suffered. I guess it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. You’re gone.

I talked to our real mom today (I always hate saying that-we have two real moms, but you know what I mean). She had left a message while I was sleeping, and she sounded so damn sad it scared me. I mean, I know she’s going to be sad. But now I’m so afraid for anyone who is battling depression, whether chronic or situational. She said she has been reading up on Reactive Attachment Disorder because of my first post, and I could just tell she was blaming herself. I called her back, and Mom and Nikea came into the room and we all talked on speakerphone. It was so good to speak with her. She was reminiscing about how you were such a sweet and sensitive little boy. I remember. And I know she, like me, wants nothing more than to go back, hold that little boy close and tell him everything will be okay. Back when you were CJ, wore your humongous glasses and loved to be read to every night. She has the biggest heart, and loves us all so much. I know you loved her, too. Guilt is a horrible thing, and you can beg someone to forgive themselves until you’re blue in the face, but ultimately it’s up to them. I just hope and pray she can realize that she, like you, is so worthy of love. That has always been our biggest struggle…yours, hers and mine. I also talked to Grandpa Ward and briefly to Jeanie. Grandpa was your biggest cheerleader. It was wonderful to hear his voice. I haven’t talked with him in so long. It’s crazy how time gets away from you, and before you realize it two years have passed since you spoke with someone. I promised him that would never happen again. If I’ve learned anything from you, it’s to value every second my loved ones spend on this earth. How easy is it for us to take each other’s presence for granted.  I am determined to make sure I have no more regrets when it comes to the people I love. I can’t go through this again.

On Saturday, Mom and Dad are driving up to Mexico to tell Bethany what happened. Even though she’s mentally handicapped, she understands the concept of death. Mom is scared she may hurt herself if she knows the whole story, so said she may just say you had cancer. I mean, you basically did. Mental illness eats away at you just like cancer, slowly killing you. So yeah. It works. I’m trying to decide if I can go with them, or if I should go to Sedalia and visit Grandma, Grandpa, Sue, Sayre and Sayre’s new baby. I haven’t seen Bethany since Christmas, but it’s going to be awful telling her our brother died. I don’t know what to do. I dread how she’s going to obsess over what happened. It’s been years, and she still brings up our dog, Toby, dying. I just know she’s going to keep signing “CJ died. CJ died. CJ died.” And I’ll tell her to stop, but she won’t. She just won’t understand that we won’t want to constantly talk about how you’re gone. I’ll just have to be patient, and understand she doesn’t want to hurt anyone by bringing it up nonstop. I just have such a low frustration tolerance right now.

I’m still angry with you. I don’t know when that’s going to go away. I know it’s a stage of grief, and I’m assuming it’s more pronounced in this kind of situation. I’ve been reading how suicide survivors experience an extreme number of difficult emotions trying to make sense of their loved one’s actions. The book I’m reading now is helping shed light on it. But there’s not a lot out there on this. It’s a difficult subject to talk about. Who wants to discuss suicide? But it HAS to be talked about. People always talk about breast cancer. They have fundraisers for it. What about what killed you and thousands upon thousands of others every year? Why doesn’t society talk more about that? What happens to the families after. What they feel. The devastation. The confusion and anger. The guilt. It’s eating me up inside. The unrelenting brutal heartache of knowing you were sitting at home thinking about things that tore you apart. The constant questioning. I keep telling myself you weren’t miserable all the time. You had moments of happiness. But it wasn’t enough.

Do you know what’s really cool, though? We’ve had several of your friends reach out. I just want to hug all of them. They loved you and miss you, and I don’t know if they realize how much they help with their sweet words about you. Man, you were loved. Did you know? But now I’m asking myself if you really loved ME. You didn’t talk to me about so many things. You would say you were struggling, but wouldn’t give me specifics. In every text that I said “I love you,” you didn’t repeat it. I just can’t stop wondering now. Did you love me? Did you?? I know I had forgotten your birthday…I was so focused on trying to solve what was going on with my health, all the while trying to find jobs and move out of our friends’ basement, that I literally have been battling my own fears and major depression this past year. I don’t forget birthdays. And yours AND Dad’s slipped my mind. That’s never happened before. But now I can’t forgive myself. I just can’t. I know that’s not why you did it. But I still hate myself for it. I’m so sorry, Chris. I just need to know that you love me and forgive me. Please.

Love you, Buddy. Now and always. I’m so sorry.

[tictacti]

Review of 13 Reasons Why

First of all, don’t get me wrong. I can relate to Hannah. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed bipolar disorder and my generalized anxiety disorder has gotten worse. (Yes, they are actually diagnosed.) At the age of 22, I still find myself staying up at night thinking of bad high school experiences. I was considered “slutty.” The amount of shitty assholes I ended up with was almost statistically impossible. It was like they were drawn to me. I was so naïve, kind, and trusting. I didn’t drink (until senior year) or do any drugs. However, I wasn’t BULLIED. People didn’t seek me out. People weren’t TRYING to hurt me or break me down.

So let’s start with, I think bullying (namely, the kind that results in a suicide) is when a person is unfairly TARGETED (not necessarily treated in the same terrible way that other high schoolers are treated.) The person is targeted because someone else is trying to break them down. They are trying to hurt them. In general, the bully kind of wants the person to kill themselves.

In this film, nearly every single person that hurts Hannah, wasn’t really trying to. They were trying to impress their friends, protect themselves, misinformed, or maybe they were just a psycho. Even the guy that raped her. He was a rapist. He wasn’t trying to hurt her, because he didn’t care. It wasn’t, oh let’s mentally torture Hannah for fun. No, they were all just kind of being themselves.

I found it to be a very thrilling, interesting, and good show. Although I think issues with sexual harassment against women was the most spot-on. Mental illness would have been a great topic, but it’s pretty much ignored throughout the film. In my opinion, in the story, the author did not think Hannah was mentally ill. I think the show kind of failed in regards to raising awareness of bullying, which in return diminished the point of “looking for signs.” I don’t really find what Hannah was going through bullying. Although everyone in the 13 did something wrong, most of them did nothing that would “destroy” a mentally healthy person. Overall, a good movie. By the way, the acting was pretty incredible in my opinion.

A few good points to make, I think the only person that gave her any reason for suicide was the rapist. (Again, going off the assumption that she was mentally normal and healthy prior to her mistreatment.)

The movie is attempting to display the fact that Hannah was bullied, helpless, with no other options. I think it’s actually displayed that Hannah sees the world through warped vision. I mean, at the end, she is still very well-liked. I didn’t get the vibe that she was being targeted, like many bully victims are. I also don’t really understand why a rumor going around about her having sex with one guy got her the name of “class-slut.” I feel like she was a little bit paranoid.

I feel like the film itself was slut-shaming viewers, due to the fact that it supported the idea that having sex was indeed slutty, and terrible. Because secretly, Hannah is a virgin, which I guess makes her a wonderful human being. Again, I think she was paranoid. At the end right before she was raped, it’s fairly clear that people like her. She’s welcomed to hang out with them. If we were to work on being more tolerant and accepting of women being promiscuous, then less kids would feel ashamed and stigmatized. This film kind of achieves the opposite. If I had watched this in high school, it would have left me feeling awful, because I wasn’t a dainty, innocent virgin.

A guy putting her on a list that said she had a nice ass, was apparently one of the reasons. That poor guy. Yeah, it’s terrible that women are viewed as sexual objects. But, I don’t really think the list was that awful. I mean, it’s a about physical traits. It’s not like he discounted her intelligence or humor. She commented that “girls don’t make lists like that.” Which isn’t true. The kid ends up killing himself over how guilty he feels. Why would this kid even be scared if the tapes got out? Everyone already knew he added the girl’s names…. Same thing with Marcus. The only people that could have faced criminal repercussions were Sheri, Justin and Bryce.

I don’t think it’s realistic that because she was put on a list as having “the best ass” that she was in return targeted for the rest of the school year. What kind of school is this?

I completely understand that suicide is different for everyone, but I don’t think the movie made her friends look guilty for her suicide. (Other than Bryce)

In the end, she felt that she couldn’t escape being a sexual object. This is a very real feeling felt by many women in the world. She also had depression. Because clearly, there are plenty of kind people (men and women) in the world.  Healthy people know that.

I also don’t get why she didn’t give Clay an extra copy of the tapes with a letter or something. Verses letting him think he contributed to her depression.

I am not at all saying “she didn’t have enough reasons to commit suicide.” Most of the time, people probably have none to very little reason to commit suicide. In general, it’s because they have mental illness. The thing is, in this series, Hannah is portrayed as being a normal, healthy teenager before her “tragedies.” Being catcalled, being told she has the “best ass”, having a false rumor go around school that she sucked a guy off, having a friend-breakup, pretty much normal (but unpleasant) things. Now, I can completely see how being raped can cause a person to commit suicide. And actually, she seemed fairly normal until the rape. Which is understandable. So, why blame everyone else?

I can understand that Hannah personally finds these people at fault, but I don’t think the movie did a good job portraying the effects of bullying. Hannah wasn’t bullied. There are healthy kids who are tormented to a point where they kill themselves, that wasn’t the case with Hannah.

After the rape, Hannah says she’ll give the world one more chance. The author then attempts to demonize the counselor. Yeah, he was being sexist with his assumption that Hannah must be upset because she probably had willingly been romantic with a boy at a party. After that, I don’t see what he did wrong. He offers to call the police, he offers to help and listen. He was so kind and warm. Then he begs her to stay, and is again, demonized. I guess he was expected to run out of his office (with the phone ringing, that he had ignored up to 3 times during their meeting because he understood the severity of the situation) and grab her by the arm? I get he made an insensitive assumption, but I don’t understand what she wanted him to do, he tells her that she might need to “get over it and move on with life.” But that’s after she refuses to name her attacker, and refuses to contact the police. This whole “final encounter” is a clear indicator that bullying did not kill her, depression did. She had convinced herself that everyone was against her, when it was clear that many people liked and trusted her. The author could have made the counselor way more dismissive, so I don’t really get it. 

Earlier in the season, the counselor talks with Hannah about college options. I think part of Hannah’s decision to end her life, stemmed from not knowing what to do after high school. He tried to help her. She had unrealistic goals about where she wanted to go to college. He even told her that she COULD go to those places, but needed to improve her grades. Again, the author wants you to look at Mr. Porter as the bad guy. When in reality, Hannah was taking ordinary advice very harshly. 

I wasn’t a fan of the anti-climactic role of Tony. The whole movie you’re wondering what deep secret he’s hiding, only to find out that there’s nothing more to find out about him. He was simply a friend of Hannah’s. I find it really odd that the audience never finds out how Hannah even knew Tony. The relationship is similar to that of a long-life friendship or even a family member. But apparently they met a few months ago and he fixed her car once… She could have just let Clay be the “trusted friend.” You also get the vibe that she sent the tapes to Kat as well. That’s how she knows the whole situation at the deposition, and why Hannah had to mail one set of the tapes.

We also don’t find out why they moved. The mother states that they were trying to get a fresh start, mainly for Hannah. It would have made the story a little bit more down-to-earth and believable.

Next point. The poem. Although dark, there is no reasons the school should have investigated into it. It was anonymous. I don’t think it was realistic when they had Hannah walk into school to find EVERYONE reading it, and laughing at it. Why would they be laughing? The students at this school often act more like middle schoolers, or even older elementary students. I mean, every kid in the school read this magazine, and found a beautiful poem utterly hilarious? Just don’t get it. 

Yes, little things can have catastrophic effects. Especially on a person with depression. You never know what’s going on in a person’s life/head. However, some of the actions completed that “caused” Hannah’s death, wouldn’t be considered by anyone to be a contributor to a suicide.

The innocent guy, Clay, at one point told her that she should have waited to have sex, and also turned her away when she was crying telling her to keep her drama to herself. Yet is deemed to be innocent by Hannah. With this being said, I keep hearing people’s discussions pointing out that “Clay did nothing.” WHAT? What was he supposed to do/say? “Hey Hannah, I noticed that you were acting a little moody but generally pretty normal, is everything okay? Are you planning on committing suicide any time soon?” I’m not trying to belittle the way Hannah felt, but Clay was overall a very good friend, with whom Hannah refused to open up to. He was a shy virgin with a crush on a girl that he found confusing and overly-emotional. I’ve met ALOT of confusing and overly emotional people. None of them have committed suicide. It’s very ignorant (in my opinion) to claim that Clay did “nothing.” He was there for her. In fact, the one person I knew personally that killed himself, was quiet, kind, and a little odd. 

There is a repeated theme of her yelling at people, utterly refusing to talk with someone, then getting upset because they didn’t try ONE MORE TIME. Then the characters are looked at as cold, and I don’t understand. 

One of my final points, HOW was the school responsible for this? I can grasp the “nice ass” kid more than the school. Most (if not all) bullying occurred when teachers weren’t present. They didn’t investigate an anonymous dark poem in a student publication. The guidance counselor even called Hannah in to his office to discuss her dropping grades. Most of all, she wasn’t really acting that abnormal. She cut her hair and became a little quieter (she was already pretty quiet.) I sadly have to agree with the school in saying that Hannah’s parents were trying to put the blame on someone. Which they should. I think maybe after they listen to the tapes, they will know who to go after, and leave the school alone. 

So, it’s a controversial opinion. Although we need to be nice and consider the effects our words can have, we shouldn’t blame people for a suicide for things like saying they have a nice ass.