#comms will be open for a while bc i need to save so much LOL T_T

[caiabresebun]

oc kuu for @/ojamahou on twtr!

comms are still open!

[procrastinatorimagines]

Partners

Fandom: Chicago PD / One Chicago

Character/s: Jay x Reader, Intelligence, Will

Warning/s: blood, gun shots

Word Count: 2,424

Request:  Hey sweets! Can you write a Jay x reader where she's been his partner since Erin left but in the meantime she fell in love with him but she only told Will about it. When a uncover gets out of hand and Jay is kidnapped, she's the one to take down the person holding him at gunpoint. While they're at med so he can get checked out the adrenaline wears off and she talks to Will about the fact that she didn't even think twice about shooting bc she was so scared of losing him, but Jay ends up 1/2  Listening to everything but didn't confront her about it. After some time passes, they talk and get together. I'll leave the reason why to you lol. Hope you feel like doing it. Thank you anyways, I really enjoy your blog. Stay safe 💕 2/2

Summary: When things go south on a mission Jay is left in critical condition and the reader is left to think about how she really feels about her partner.

You’d been partners with Jay since Erin Lindsay left, it’d been a rocky beginning but you couldn’t really blame him, losing a good partner was hard enough, but when you were also in love with said partner... It’d taken a minute for you guys to get in sync but now that you were, you were practically unstoppable. You’d grown close these past few years, bonded, and well... you’d just had to go and fall in love with him didn’t you? 

He didn’t know of course, no one did, well, except for Will Halstead. You’d gotten close to both Halstead’s since your transfer to Intelligence, and the eldest brother had eventually figured out your feelings for Jay and cornered you about them one night at Molly’s. You’d sworn him to secrecy, but that was next to a year ago now, and he still didn’t understand why you never made a move. It was complicated, he was your partner, your friend, would you screw it up if you told him?

You’d been thinking about it more recently, you didn’t want to put your life on hold waiting for Jay to make a move or not, this job was day to day and you didn’t want to waste your time pining after a man who had no interest in you, but you still couldn’t get him out of your head. Will had been pushing you to rip the bandaid off, and you were going to, you really were, soon, you kept saying. 

But now you were driving to an abandoned warehouse, vest on and guns loaded, praying that you got there in time to save your partner, head full of regrets about what you never told him.

It’d been a straightforward buy, at first, and then one of the bangers had recognised Jay as being the cop who picked him up a few years prior, and shit had hit the fan in a big way. Everything went so fast that you only just made it to the site in time to see their car speeding away, an unconscious Jay in their trunk. The unit had kicked into gear, but it had still taken two days, two long and painful days, to pinpoint the location they believed Jay was being held. 

If he wasn’t here, or, God forbid, he was and he was... You shook your head, thinking the worse wouldn’t save your partner.

“You good to do this?” Kev asked, and you nodded, hand tightening around your gun as the car slowed to a halt just around the corner from the warehouse, out of sight of any perps occupying it.

“I’m good, and we’re going to get him back,” you replied but the look on his face told you that wasn’t what he meant, and you knew it.

“But you can’t get yourself killed doing it Y/N,” he told you, patting your shoulder as he slid the door open, climbing out with you following close behind. The rest of Intelligence gathered around Voight, double checking their weapons and comms. 

“I know, I swear,” you tried to reassure him as you joined the others. He didn’t look convinced but Voight was starting to give orders so he didn’t have time to argue.

“Okay, Burgess and Ruzek take the front with me, Rojas, you and Upton take the side, Kev I want you with Y/L/N in the back.” You all nodded. “Now this isn’t like our usual case, they have one of our own, and we’re going to bring him back, but don’t forget that the mission is to all come back, am I clear?” Everyone agreed but the final comment was very much pointed to you. You nodded to hid and put your earpiece in, taking Kev’s six as you all spread out around the building.

Breaching was easy, the back was unlocked so you went in slow and quiet. There were lots of open spaces but you used the boxes and crates stacked around for cover, not that you really needed any, it seemed... empty. 

Kev caught your attention and gestured to a side staircase that seemed to lead into a basement. You crept towards it and heard movement below. It was him, it had to be.

“I’ll call for back up,” Kev said and you hesitated to step back, what if they were hurting him as you spoke? 

But before either of you could do anything you heard gun shots from the other side of the building, heads snapping in the direction of the noise you heard Adam calling for backup over the radio. At the same time you heard yelling and a gun shot from down below. Jay.

Kev looked divided between going after Adam or going down to the basement, but in that moment you didn’t have anything to think about. “Y/N, wait-”

“Go to Adam, I got this,” you told him, heading down the steps.

“No, Y/N-” He started, but Adam’s voice over the radio made him pause, but you could barely hear them as you made your way to the door. Kicking it in as hard as you could and stepping in, gun raised.

The room was dimly lit, with a blood soaked table in the middle and various instruments around the side. In the middle stood a man with a gun, a gun pointed straight at your partner’s head.

Your mouth opened in shock at the sight of Jay, hands bound on his knees, tape over his mouth and a bullet hole in his stomach.

“Drop it,” you said forcefully, hands surprisingly steady as you aimed your weapon.

“I drop it you shoot me, I know how cops are with one of their own,” the man snapped back, fingers inching to the trigger, glancing between you and Jay.

“Yeah, he is one of our own, he’s my partner, what do you think I’m going to do to you if you shoot him,” you retorted, lining up your shot and the man shifted, placing Jay more as a shield between you and him.

“Guess I’m dead either way,” he laughed dryly, the gun flat against the side of Jay’s head, “at least I can take out a pig when I-” Bang.

You didn’t even think about it, didn’t hesitate, your ears ringing as the bullet left your gun, straight into the man’s head. He dropped in an instant, his own gun falling to the ground as Jay sagged forward, straight into your arms. 

You didn’t even check if the other man was alive as you held your partner, Kev running down in time to radio for an ambulance as you held him, taking off his restraints and applying pressure to his wound.

“Hang on Jay, just hang on,” you whispered to him as his eyes glazed over, his pulse getting weaker. The rest of the team followed down, it was clear they’d all been in a shoot out, but it was also clear that they’d won, and you’d got Jay. He just had to hold on...

Everything was a blur after that, you’d ridden in the ambulance with Jay, all but ignoring the warning look Voight had given you, you knew you’d get a lecture about going in alone later, but right now Jay was your only concern.

The look on Will’s face as you brought his brother was almost too much to bare as he was all but immediately rushed off to surgery by Dr. Marcel, already having crashed in the ambo on the way to Med.

And then the waiting began. God the waiting, if felt like you sat in that hospital forever.

Kim eventually convinced you to change and have a shower, but you were straight back to the waiting room when you finished. The others came and went, a case still to work, but you wouldn’t leave. 

“How is he?” You all but jumped out your chair as Will approached, his face was tired and their were circles around his eyes, but there was hope there too.

“He’s out of surgery, it was touch and go but he’s been moved to the ICU for observation,” he hesistated before adding, “Crockett’s hopeful, but it’s still.. too early to tell.” 

You took his hand and gave it a squeeze. “Can I see him?” You asked. 

“Yeah, I’ll take you to him now,” you looked back to the rest of the team who gestured for you to go. You followed Will, not wanting to get your hopes too high, but you just had to see him...

You blinked away tears when you saw him lying there, tubes in his arms, machines beeping all around, god he looked so pale... It was all you could do not to breakdown seeing him like that, so you stood in the doorway as Will entered. 

“He’ll be alright,” Will said, but you weren’t sure if he was trying to reassure to you or himself. “He should wake up... soon.”

“He’d better, finding a good partner is just going to be tedious,” you laughed, clamping your mouth shut when it turned into a sob. 

Will smiled weakly, “can’t replace someone you love,” he said pointedly.

“Of course I love him, God I love him,” you admitted; Will had always known you liked Jay as more than a friend or partner, but you’d never said that four letter word out loud before now.

“You know, I haven’t always been the world’s best brother, there’re a lot of things I’ve never really said to Jay, I should have told him I love him more, how proud of him I am-” Will choked up, “but I’m never going to waste that time again, you shouldn’t either. When he wakes up, you should tell him Y/N, or you’re just going to regret it.”

A tear slid down your cheek, you knew he was right. “I will, not... not right away, but... God Will, it’ll change everything between us,” you fumbled, picking at the cuff of your jacket.

“But you don’t know if that’s for better or worse until you tell him,” Will told you, patting his brothers arm as his phone beeped. He checked in and frowned. “I have to go, and you should really get back to the others, I’ll let you know if anything changes with Jay,” he promised. 

You reluctantly left, forcing your eyes away from Jay as you headed back to update the others. 

It wasn’t long after you left that Jay finally woke up. You told yourself you were giving him time to heal, to get better, you’d tell him after that... but you always seemed to make up excuses to avoid it, Jay was on the mend, he was alive, and he was your partner, why ruin a good thing?

-

“What do you know about sports anyway?” Jay laughed, opening another two beers and passing you one as you sat in your apartment living room, the events of the shooting months past.

“Well, honestly Halstead? Basically nothing, but I did learn a fair bit sitting with you in your hospital room, do you not watch anything else?” You countered, and he shook his head at you. 

“I never really thanked you, for staying by my side while I was recovering,” Jay changed the subject, and a more serious tone filled the void left by the laughter ending. 

“You don’t have to Jay, you’re my partner, you’d do the same for me,” you put your hand on his arm and smiled, aware of how close the two of you had ended up sitting.

“I guess finding a good partner would have been tedious huh,” he joked, smile dropping a little as you looked at him in confusion.

“I- I didn’t say that to you,” you realised and Jay froze, unsure of what to say. “No- I said that to Will, while you were unconscious...”

“Y/N-” He started but you shook your head.

“Were you awake? Did you hear that?” You asked, realisation dawning as you saw something else in his eyes, “did you hear that entire conversation?” 

Oh god, oh god, did he hear to say you loved him? Shit, shit.

“Y/N-” He began as you quickly removed your hand from his arm.

“Just tell me Jay,” you interuppted, putting your drink down on the coffee table.

“Yes,” he admitted after an excruciating silence. You turned away from him slightly, avoiding his eyes, 

“You never said anything- Jay, what I said-” You fumbled, unsure of what to say. Truth was, you’d planned a dozen ways to tell Jay how you felt about him, but for him to overhear and not say anything... every plan was gone from your head as you stopped talking in your tracks, trying to figure out your next words.

“I didn’t want to make it uncomfortable, you said you’d talk to me, so I figured if I left it you wouldn’t- I don’t know, feel embarrassed?” He tried.

“Oh I feel embarrassed alright,” you told him, “God Jay I’m sorry, I know I screwed up, but it hasn’t affected the way I do my job, and I don’t want this to ruin our friendship, or or partnership-”

Jay cut you off, taking your hand. You swallowed, looking directly at him again as you felt his skin on yours. “That would never happen, you’re my partner Y/N, and my friend, and... whatever else this is, because honestly? It’d... be a lie to say I didn’t feel something for you too.”

You let out a breath, a tightness you didn’t realise was squeezing on your chest loosening at Jay’s admission. His fingers tangled in yours as you sat there, stunned at what was happening.

“Y/N?” You realised you hadn’t said a word since he’d confessed his feelings. Right, you should probably say something, but all thoughts had left your head at that moment, all coherent ones anyway, so you settled for doing something a bit more spontaneous, something you’d wanted to do for longer than you’d like to admit.

You leaned in to kiss him, Jay leaning in to meet you in the middle as his hand went into your hair. When you finally broke away you both smiled, You’d kissed Jay, Jay had kissed you...

“So what now?” You got out, still very much aware of his hands on you, and his face so damn close to yours. 

“Well... we could just keep doing this?” He suggested with a smirk and you laughed.

“That,” you said as you closed the gap between the two of you, “I think I can do.”

[haknew]

anon asked: I HAVE SONG RECS :DDD I tried not to do songs that you would have obviously heard before but a lot of the songs here are still popular but I couldn’t help but add them 😭

AHHHH thank you so so so so much for all the recommendations anon ! your taste is absolutely impeccable !!! i think i vibed with a lot of these maybe we are a bit similar ^~^ and no worries about your picks ! i totally support you and your incredible music taste no need to defend yourself :p ! popular songs can still be good ones ! thank you again and i tried ... to ... get through them all i’m so sorry JHGFDJHGDK you’ll see i get through like ... half and then ran out of energy T^T i’ll probably get back to this list some other time when i have free time and update with thoughts ! thank you for sending so many in ! i found so many new songs to add to my playlist heh thank you lovely ! 

Pop

cherry by rina sawayama - super cute ! i love these kinds of pop songs it’s right up my alley :o ! 

xs by rina sawayama - her voice is so well suited for this style ! i watched the mv and djkfhskgrjf HHH idk she gives me mitski vibes even tho their music is pretty different, you have peaked my interest i’ll definitely look into more of her stuff :o !

comme de garçons by rina sawayama - the bass line T^T !!! the talk-y (?) parts are so good i got chills, it’s like a rave song low key haha :p ! it’s so good ! 

Any song by Rina Sawayama 😭 - yes yes i’ll try to look more into her stuff ! 

Kpop

123 by nct dream - i’m only an honorary guest of ncity but one of my irls ults them ! and dream’s music has always been a bit more my speed :o ! this has more nostalgic kpop vibes to it ! i said this before but i really am more a pop person at heart and this is so good ^~^ 

Up to you by pretty much and nct dream (HAECHANS PART HHHHH) - oooh are you a haechan stan 0v0 i like jaemin tho i admit my knowledge of dream is limited (my fren ults renjun heh) also yes yes consent is very important kids u.u dskjghkdfj YOU’RE RIGHT THO haechan is a singer he SINGS, i love the vocal harmonies ! 

Oasis by crush ft zico - those electric keyboard synths (?) amazing ! this song bops u.u 

Moon by everglow - !!! i actually have heard this a lot before ^~^ i got so excited when i saw this bc it’s so good ! it’s definitely one of my fav everglow songs too i think i overplayed it a lot when it first came out *v* 

Woowoo by dia - i love the ocean wave sounds ! that’s so cool i love how summery it is ! it kind of reminds me of loona too ! ggs are just >>> i love the fun and brighter pop songs so much 🥺

Secret garden by Oh My Girl - i’ve heard a few songs by omg ! and i really like a handful of them, secret garden kinda gives me early gfriend songs vibes too ! it’s so pretty ! i really love when songs utilize strings in their instrumentals too ! it’s a bit slower paced too which is really nice ^~^ 

Page by got7 - YEEEES okie actually maybe unpopular opinion but spinning top is one of my fav got7 albums ! i used to listen to the whole mini on repeat ! i actually used to ult got7 too for a few months heh ^^ BUT YEEES i love page ! got7 always have bangers love them so much 

Nekkoya by produce 48 - AHHHHH ANOTHER SONG I LOVE !!! i’m actually a wizone haha :p so i’ve seen produce 48 ! tho admittedly it probably contributes to my burning h*tred for mn*t and any survival shows ;;;; but i loved the title song so much ! i used to unironically play it on repeat djghskfj

Puzzle moon by gwsn - AHHHH YOUR TASTE !!! i also followed gwsn from debut and puzzle moon is so so so cute ! it’s such a bop too ! they have such fun and catchy songs ! 

Goblin by sulli - ahhh the xylophone chimes ! they make the song sound a bit haunting before the piano comes in ;;;; it really reflects the mv story so well i think ;;; and sulli’s voice is so beautiful ;;;; it’s got that characteristic background vocal harmonies that sm artists usually do and it’s just really beautiful ! 

What are you up to by kang daniel - today on can you tell jess is unfortunately a bg stan daniel’s songs have been so good :,)) i stopped following all the wanna ones closely after a while but ! he always surprises me ! his songs are such vibes u.u 

Best day ever by yeri and nct dream - the TRUMPETS YEEES it’s so upbeat and fun !!! the cheering is so cute i love it ! 

Hair in the air by yeri and nct dream - JAEMINNNNN !!!! I LOVE YERI SO MUCH PLEASE ! i love the vocal harmonies between her and the boys 🥺 it’s so cute T^T ! renjun’s a singer HE SINGS 

119 by nct dream - ah yes this is ncity brand u.u LOL they always have really filled chorus instrumentals and use a lot of vocals to fill up the space which i think is really cool and something i think immediately screams sm artist :0 ! i think renjun’s voice really sells this for me tho HIS VOICE IS AMAZING him and haechan yeees it’s a banger tho :,) 

Save me save you by wjsn - i love wjsn’s music so much ! it sounds so magic and ethereal and totally bops ! their voices are so beautiful too and work together so well and i think this song’s style really suits all the members’ voices so well too ! 

Loonatic by loona - YEEEEES loona are my ult gg ! and oec is probably my fav unit in terms of music ! i have spent many a day playing their whole discography ! haha :3 

Up by izone - MY GIRLS ! yes yes up is so cute ! i love it so much ! the choreo is so cute too ! i love izone please ;;;; 

N/s by stray kids - oh boy okie ;;;; i’m like not a good judge of a lot of hip hop / more rap heavy songs ;;;; bc i was classically trained as a singer in choir ;-; so i’m sorry i do not have much to say about this one ;;;; it slaps tho ! i probably wouldn’t listen to it normally if you hadn’t recommended it tho so ! good to listen to smth outside of my normal preferences  

Sunshine by straykids - OH very very different from the last skz song KJHGKFJHKD yea this is probably more my speed i’m so sorry LOL T-T it’s so good tho :o ! i don’t listen to a lot of skz bc i figured i wouldn’t be able to vibe with them but this one is so good i really like it ! skz and ateez man i’ve been trying to stan for ages but music is a big part of why i stan /stan/ certain groups more seriously and it’s also why i’m only honorary nctzen lol clearly i have been enlightened (literally *looks at my past ult groups* yeaaaa)

Blueprint by stray kids - YEEES IT’S SO UPBEAT ! i love upbeat and brighter songs (i am consistent like this T-T) it’s got summery tropical vibes to it too ! it’s so cute ! 

Question by stray kids - another banger yeeeees ! i vibe with the lyrics too u.u love that 

Any mixtape by stray kids (but I really love 1 and 4) - oooh i still have a lot to get through so i’ll save these for my own time haha ^^ 

I’m your girl by khan

Revolution by Alexa

Secret by wjsn

I wanna be by key and soyeon

Handle it by twice

Teenager by got7 

Take by jus2 (CANNOT RECOMMEND THIS ENOUGH)

Bump bump by woodz

Stylish by loona - this is one of my fav loona b sides yeeees !!!! love them so much ! 

Outta my head by somi

Jpop

showersnow by orbit

show off by orbit

crazy love by orbit

any orbit song ngl 😭

poison girl by nanaka suwa

lost umbrella (I like the tsukishima kei version cause it sounds like lee know :DDD)

Notice by moe shop

Kawaki wo ameku (domestic girlfriend opening)

The day by porno graffiti (my hero academia opening 1)

Odd future by uverworld (my hero academia opening 4)

Again by yui (full metal alchemist brotherhood opening 1)

More English music

Luxury by azalea banks (Ive heard she’s said some terrible things tho 😭 WHY DOES IT SLAP)

Hurricane by Bridget Mendler (I miss this song and ready or not too 😭)

Little dark age by mgmt

I got a couple one direction recs bear with me here 💀

Happily, Magic, AM, 18, Tell Me a Lie, Through The Dark, Wolves, Night Changes, Better Than Words

Hip-hop/rnb

Leaked by lil tjay

Pretty little fears by 6lack and j cole

Water by joe gifted

The London by young thug

Bands by shoreline mafia

Swervin by a boogie wit a hoodie

Father stretch my hands pt 1 by Kanye west

More English music (indila is French)

Northern lights by kennie

I am not a robot by marina

Tourner dans le vide by indila

Parle a ta tete by indila

Greek tragedy by the wombats

Viva la vida by Coldplay (SHHHHH DONT ROAST ME)

La da dee by Cody Simpson (SHH IT MAKES ME HAPPY 😭)

Move your body by loving caliber and anders lystell (this ones good to make u feel like an early 2010’s movie protagonist :D)

Mariposa by Peach tree rascals

Sunflower by post Malone and swae lee (like many songs on here it’s popular but I still wanna put it here cause they make me happy 😭)

I got really carried away sorry I hope you haven’t heard too many of these 😭😭 OKAY BYEEE ❤️

[ethelphantom]

Heart Fragile

We’re back at angst with day 21, Broken. Oops? Some description of violence and stabbing but I don’t think it’s too graphic…? Also, no one dies so don’t worry about that. I’m not paralysing anyone either, not this time anyway. There’s also way too much italicised text used.

Dedicated to @eat0crow​ mostly bc she said, when I mentioned what I was writing, that the idea was painful, so yeah, here we are. Basically, Crow, this was written while I was very much planning on digging the heart out of your chest with a spoon, tearing it to pieces and burning the remains. You’re welcome. I hope you like it though lol. 

The next one is all fluff and humour and happiness, I swear. Absolutely no angst in that one.

Ao3

This is Maribat – Don’t like; don’t read

______________________________

Even after all those years, she wasn’t able to stay on her feet too long, wasn’t able to use her lungs in their full capacity. The dagger that passed her chest and pierced even her lungs had made sure of it. Thankfully, the blade had missed her heart, even if only barely, because had that happened, she would have had much less chance of survival. Her chances would have gone from slim to none.

A complete collapsed lung, the stab wound itself, her barely missed heart and the every now and then reoccurring collapse of her left lung made sure she would never be able to fully recover to her original state from that day.

No one was sure how she survived either. By all likelihoods, she shouldn’t have, but she did. The help hadn’t arrived in time, her heart was only beating by some miracle when they got to her, and she’d lost too much blood, but somehow every single one of those things was still just early enough to make her survival a slim possibility.

There had not been a sight of the responsible one after that. Not a single one. No one else knew who it had been, no one but Marinette. She knew and knowing hurt because she had trusted that person with her life. Her protector had become her predator, nothing to explain why things had gone so left behind.

She still carried the bitter grudge from that day within her heart.

❋❋❋

A pained breath escaped Marinette’s lungs. “What… I— Jason? You— How could you?” Marinette gasped out, eyes wide as the one she loved pushed something sharp through her chest. It was slow, and the burning pain it caused was agonising. They were in the dark of the hallways of his father’s manor, but everyone else was gone for the night. They had made sure of it, together. No one would help her even if she screamed.

Was that why he’d wanted the manor empty…?

❋❋❋

It took her years to figure out how to go on. Tim and Dick were always there for her every step of the way, helping her adapt to life again. Tim especially, he was there as she had wanted to do something useful, and there wasn’t much she could after that injury and that day, so she was officially the main designer for a lot of things in the Wayne Enterprises. In reality, she helped the family her beloved had left behind, by looking at the cases they got and had, coming up with plans on how to solve them, helping them through the comms on the rare occasions they needed to go on site.

Tim and Bruce had taught her the art of detective work the most, and Dick had been there to teach her a little self-defence in case something happened. He had also been the one to teach her the most about police procedures.

What they didn’t know was that she used those skills they’d taught her to be able to find where Jason was, what had happened to him and what the hell he was doing now. The betrayal she now knew wasn’t for anything she would have approved of, nothing she could see as justification for his actions, and yet he’d done it anyway. The fire of her fury and bitterness and pain for what he had done to her burned brightly inside her, scorching everything in its way and burning it all to ashes, and Marinette knew she would need to find Jason and have him face the consequences before she could find peace again.

He needed to pay.

The family had their suspicions of what had happened as Jason and Marinette were supposed to be the only ones in the manor at the time, but as Marinette had not given them any confirmation, instead wanting to let them believe what they wanted, to let them hold onto the tiniest speck of hope it wasn’t what it looked like, they were not looking into it. At least, not as much as she did. They thought that maybe, just maybe there was still a reason as to why it had happened. Or maybe Jason hadn’t even done it in the first place.

Marinette would let them believe so until she had Jason to confess what he’d done to them and in front of the law.

❋❋❋

She would have collapsed on the ground right then and there, but there was a steady hand on the small of her back, supporting her as it lowered her on the ground gently, before the hand moved to press down on her upper chest and something hard was on her knees. The two weighs made sure she couldn’t get up or fight back. Instead, the whatever Jason had used stayed inside her, the sharp pain of it piercing all of her.

She could feel her warm blood start pooling around her, soaking her clothes and staining everything around her. The smell of blood was choking, the stench of iron invading all of the air.  

❋❋❋

It took Marinette two years and eleven months after the incident before he found any trace of Jason. He was hiding rather well, going on around the world with two other people. Marinette told no one where she was going, just told Tim she needed a short vacation since the anniversary of the night she lost Jason and was stabbed.

Tim had, as one might have guessed, granted her her leave, and even helped her pack. He did question where she was going, but after Marinette just shrugged and said she didn’t know, that she needed to just be because of the day, he let it be.

They both knew it was a lousy explanation but it worked regardless.

Marinette had bid Tim goodbye, though without him knowing, it might’ve truly been goodbye forever as she didn’t know how the trip would go. She had no idea. Anything could happen. She couldn’t trust Jason not to try to kill her again. After all, he had done it when she had had nothing against her, back when they were engaged. Who could tell for sure what he would do now that she was chasing him and trying to bring him in front of sweet justice, trying to drag him into the courtroom to be judged for the sins he’d committed.

And so, she set out on a journey.

❋❋❋

A look down confirmed what she’d been scared of. Jason had pushed a knife into her, into her chest. Her breathing fastened slowly, and the way her heartbeats echoed in her ears louder than ever before, faster than ever before, told her that he had managed to puncture her lung, too. His hands were coated in her blood, and she couldn’t get the sight out of her mind even when what she could see started soon swimming in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, baby. I had no other choice,” he murmured into her ear, pressing a light, barely-there kiss on her jaw. “From the day we met, I knew I’d hurt you eventually.”

❋❋❋

She ended up, after a month of chasing Jason and his merry band of outlaws — and how fitting was it that the day was the anniversary of the stabbing? Wouldn’t it be ironic if she got stabbed again by her once-beloved one? —, in Ecuador, in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Montañita. It was a known town, on some level anyway, but it was small, and considering the reputation of “let’s party ‘til the morning” that the town had, a lot of people would not come there. Most people who still knew Marinette would most definitely not come there if they were trying to find her.

Jason, on the other hand.

Jason would come to a place like this, especially if he was taking a break of sorts.

It wasn’t like he could really come to Gotham anymore anyway.

Not after that.  

She had managed to get a ride there from someone in the town after explaining how she needed to see her acquaintance but couldn’t stay up too long since she’d been fatally stabbed a few years back, and she was definitely grateful for that little bit as she now stood in front of a huge, kind of intimidating warehouse.

Marinette took cautious steps, hesitating every step of the way. Her footfall sounded harsh, sounded heavy, but she wouldn’t stop. She couldn’t. Not when she had finally gotten here, gotten this far.

The heavy doors of the warehouse stood sturdy before her, intimidating, but Marinette took a deep breath and pulled the doors open.

❋❋❋

Marinette bit her lip, to the point where her teeth drew blood. It’s not like it mattered when she was already lying in a pool of her own blood anyway. “None of what we had was ever real, now was it?”  she asked, a crack breaking her words. Her voice was desperate. Maybe he’d been forced to do it, maybe this was because otherwise, someone would kill someone from his family. Then she could understand, then she could forgive him. Even if it had been the goal from the beginning, she would forgive Jason if it was to save another human being, any other human being.

Jason just shook his head, smiling at her, even if the lines around his eyes told her that this was a smile full of sorrow. “No. None of it was ever real, but I wish it was. I truly do,” he whispered, twisting the blade even deeper. It drew a sharp, shallow gasp from Marinette’s lips before she coughed, staining the hand she’d brought to her mouth with blood.

❋❋❋

The darkness in the warehouse was scary. Marinette knew how to blend in with the shadows, but it wasn’t comfortable, so she stayed out of them as much as possible.

The problem was, she knew Jason knew how to do it as well. He could very well be hiding in them at the very moment.

The even bigger problem was, she had no idea whether his companions did.

That question got answered as she stepped inside a space that looked like people had been there only lately. She had only had a second of warning before someone much bigger than her jumped on her, the impact knocking her down and pushing the air out of her lungs. She was able to turn before hitting the floor completely, so they rolled around a few times, but the size of the other person ensured that she, in the end, ended up being the one with her back against the floor.

She felt how a hand moved to press down on her upper chest and something hard was on her knees. Her best guess, the other person’s knee and the rest of their leg. The two weighs made sure she couldn’t get up or fight back. The setting felt familiar as she struggled under the hold that was turning borderline painful.

The only differences were, the hand and the knee were pressing much harder than last time, and there was no blade in her chest. Thankfully.

A woman walked in from a room to their left, her brilliant, bright red, long hair touching the floor as she moved towards them.

“Who are you, and what are you doing here?” came the stern question — or well, it was an order but if Marinette thought of it as a question it was disguised as, she could ignore it more easily — from the redhead holding her, and wow, were all the people here redheads?

She shrugged as well as she could and kept scanning the space. The light in the space — wherever they were — had been turned on, probably by the woman as she’d walked in. It made figuring out what there was and where much easier. That gained her a punch (she dared to say it was light — surely this person could hit harder if he wanted to) and the hand on her chest pressed down even harder, which, in turn, made breathing difficult and had her coughing.

“Start talking. Hood wouldn’t want me to hurt a teenager if it can be avoided, but I’m not against doing it anyway if the need be.”

Marinette turned her eyes to the man before her eyes. A smirk grew on her face as she locked eyes with the man. He was familiar, she’d seen his face before. Tilting her head the slightest bit, she spoke directly to him. “Ooohh, you’re that guy,” she said, snorting. “I actually remember your face, though I’m not sure if he ever told me your name… Rob… Roni… Roly… No. That’s not it. Royce… A-ha! Roy! That was it!”

The shock colouring his face confirmed it, even if it was gone within moments.

“How did you—”

“And if you’re Roy, thanks for confirming it, by the way, that means you must be Kori. Not too nice to meet you, especially not in these conditions.”

“How do you know our names, kid?”

It seemed being thought of as a kid for a while longer would be a good idea if she wanted to get face to face with Jason, even for a moment. She knew they were his friends, they’d been friends back then too, but she had simply never met them so they didn’t recognise her. Yet, anyway.  

“Heard them from an acquaintance. So, who’s the Hood you mentioned? Where is he?”

Roy simply scowled, without saying anything, and instead produced a knife somewhere. Marinette swallowed, trying to hide it as much as she could, but then she saw Kori moving just a little too randomly in front of a specific door.

There he was.  

The time she would receive a payback for what he’d done was getting closer.

❋❋❋

“Why?”

A single word, desperate, sorrowful. Wishing for something, anything, that would justify what he did. What he was doing.

She never got an answer to that question.

❋❋❋

The knife in Roy’s hand crept closer to her, towards her throat.

Marinette could do nothing but laugh, even if it was slightly hysterical.

It shocked the two people present and startled them.

Marinette turned her head towards the door Kori was standing in front of and called out, “Hi Jay, such a lovely reunion this is! How have you been for the past three years? They all missed you. Would you believe if I said they still want to believe you innocent? They still want to believe you weren’t the one to hurt me!”

She wriggled under the hold a little more, tried to push Roy off of her, though with little success. “You going to have me properly finished off this time, Jay?” she asked, tears burning in her eyes as she had to remember the day she’d lost most of what she loved.

(“What… I— Jason? You— How could you?”)

“How cowardly do you have to be to not even show your face to me before making another person kill your ex-fiancée?”

(“None of it was ever real, but I wish it was.”)

The sharp gasp of Kori echoed in the space.

“It’s her.”

“Think you can’t take the life of someone who can’t even ever make a full recovery because of how long it took to get help, even with all those skills I know you have, or is it just that you can’t stomach killing the same person twice?”

“Jason’s going to flip once he—”

“Well, Jason? I know you’re there.”

(“I’m sorry, baby. I had no other choice.”)

The door behind Kori opened and she stepped aside.

❋❋❋

“It was inevitable, but if it makes it any better, I regretted having to do it every step of the way. Always since I—”

“Since you what?”

Another shake of the head. “I’m mainly sorry that somewhere along the line, I started to care about you. At some point, I fell in love with you.”

❋❋❋

The surprise Roy and Kori must have felt was enough for Marinette to be able to throw Roy off her. She stood up staggering, knowing that she needed support or a seat from somewhere if she wanted to be able to stay up for much longer.

Once the door was fully open and someone stepped out, Marinette swallowed as she was finally looking at Jason in the eye again, after so many years. For the first time since she had had to see him kill her.

“‘Nettie, I—”

“Don’t you dare ‘Nettie’ me! You left. You left me, you left Dick, you left Tim, Bruce, Damian, everyone, and not only that, but you tried to kill me. You don’t have the right anymore!”

The ‘you betrayed me and left me for dead but didn’t properly finish me off’ went unsaid. They both knew it was there anyway.

“What on Earth is worth betraying someone who loves you? Who loves you so much they would have done anything for you if you’d only asked? What on Earth, Jason?”

But Jason said nothing. He just shook his head. Just like back then.

“I’m sorry.”

“So you say.”

Jason walked closer to her, Marinette taking steps back automatically. She didn’t want to be so close, not when her last encounter with Jason had ended with a knife buried deep in her chest. The knife that had had no fingerprints when it had been checked, only her blood.

…Now that she thought about it, why had he left the knife there? He, like the rest of the family, knew well that if he’d taken it away, her chances of survival would have decreased significantly.

Jason just nodded, understanding. “It’s okay you don’t believe me. Didn’t expect you to.”

“Good.”

He didn’t stop moving towards her, and before long, she was back against the wall, unable to move further away. She resigned to her fate and lifted her chin, staring at Jason in the eye as he cornered her.

To her surprise, Jason dropped on his knees in front of her, making sure she was the one looking down at him and not the other way around. It seemed it was a surprise to Roy and Kori as well, judging by their faces and the jerking movement of their hands. Roy’s eyes had widened and Kori’s mouth had dropped open.

“I missed you, Marinette.”

She ignored the sting of pain that sentence sent through her.

“I did not miss you.”

A lie, if she’d ever heard one.

Jason just smiled at her sadly. “That’s fine, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to forgive me either.”

“It’s not a question of ‘want’, Jay. Jason. It’s a question of ‘can’. I can’t forgive you for the pain you caused me,” she said, forlorn, a tear rolling down her cheek. “I can’t imagine what you were going to gain for doing that.”

Jason reached up to wipe the tear away but Marinette slapped his hand away. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” he asked, even as he made sure not to touch her anymore.

“Just don’t.”

Don’t touch me.

Don’t be so gentle.

Don’t look like you’re hurting.

Don’t seem so repentant.

Don’t make me regret this.

Don’t remind me of all the things that had me love you.

Don’t make me miss you.

Don’t say you missed me.

Don’t look like you want me to forgive you.

Don’t pretend you think it’s okay I won’t.

Don’t make me fall in love with you all over again.

There was a lot the simple ‘don’t’ could be and was.

Marinette would never say them out loud.

Suddenly, a sharp pain went through her knees and she had to take support from the wall. It wasn’t enough. Jason must have noticed, because as soon as she was falling, there was a hand on the small of her back and another in her hand, supporting her weight, just like he had so many times, just like… On that day.

And just like back then, Jason helped her down on the floor so she wouldn’t hurt herself, though this time she got to sit. The contact was so gentle, and Marinette almost wanted to cry, because this was something she couldn’t have anymore. Especially not if she succeeded in what she wanted to do because that would mean he would go to prison for over a decade.

“Are you okay?” Jason started, but Marinette interrupted him before he could get further.

“No! This is your fault. I told you, I can’t make a full recovery. This is only part of that,” she snapped at him, only realising she’d tried to stand up when she fell back down. Marinette cursed under her breath as her head hit the wall behind her and the hit had her wince. Sadness crossed Jason’s face as he saw her struggle.

“Do you think I liked hurting you? I did it because I had to, not because I ever wanted to, baby. I didn’t want to do it, and this?” Jason gestured at Marinette’s collapsed form. “I didn’t want this to happen either.”

“What did you expect to happen when you stabbed me? In the lungs? You only barely missed my heart, and I’m willing to bet it was on purpose. I know you have an aim better than that. At least I wouldn’t be alive anymore if you’d done that, if you only had pulled the knife out of my chest before you left, I wouldn’t need to suffer from all of this!” She released a breath she’d been holding and let out a broken sob. Her voice barely above a whisper, Marinette continued. “I would have done anything for you, but you… You ruined all that.”

“What do you want me to do, then?” The question was spoken more softly than Mari had remembered Jason was capable of, but she recognised it immediately nonetheless. The same fond, soft tone of voice he used when she was hurt or sad. The same tone that had always comforted her. The same tone he had used when he apologised as he twisted the blade in her chest.

It hurt to hear it again.

She loved it so much, and yet she hated it more than anything. Before anything else, she wanted to hear Jason use it while speaking to her again. Before anything else, she wanted to ensure she never had to hear it directed at her ever again.

“I want you to answer for what you’ve done. Confess what you did, in front of the family, in front of the law, confirm what I already know true to them as well,” she told him. It was the truth, even if it hurt. “I want to make sure I don’t get hurt again.”

“Then, let me do that.”

Marinette’s eyes snapped at Jason from the floor just as Kori and Roy shouted something, yelling at Jason, telling him to stop being stupid. Marinette could only stare at him in shock.

“What?”

“I said, let me do it. I’ll come with you. I’ll plead guilty in court if you want to take me there.”

Why, after imagining bringing Jason in front of the law for so long, did it feel so wrong and horrible now? Now that she was there? Now that Jason was offering to give himself up?  Now that he was offering to turn himself in for her?

“You know just as well as I do that if that were to happen, you’d be imprisoned for at least a decade. How can you—”

“I know I don’t have much right to say it, but just like you don’t want to get hurt again, I don’t want you to hurt either,” Jason replied, standing up and looming over Marinette. On any other day, she would have flinched and been scared he would stab her again, but somehow all of this had her assured that he was not going to do anything she didn’t want, especially not to her. “I have hurt you enough as it is. I want you to believe I’m sorry. If that’s what it takes, then I will come with you.”

“I—”

“You don’t need to forgive me. All I want is for you to believe me when I say I regret what I did back then, I still do, and that I’m sorry.”

Roy and Kori tried to convince Jason that was a bad idea, what if they found out about everything else he’d done, what if they realised they could send him to the death row, but Jason just shushed them.

“It’s like you’ve already decided I’m going to die. Besides, this is ‘Nettie’s choice. No, sorry, Marinette’s. I hurt her. I meant to kill her. She’s the one that gets to choose. Bye you two, see you in like 15 years or so unless you wanna come to visit me.”

Then he offered a hand for her to grab on, which she, after hesitating for a second, took. Jason pulled her on her feet and let her use him as support if she needed it. “Do you need me to drive us to the airport?”

“I— you’d do that? Knowing where I want to take you? You’re not planning on stabbing me again, now are you?”

“No, I’m not, and yeah, yeah I would. Can you walk?”

Marinette huffed. “I’m not that helpless,” she spat, before adding, because she knew what Jason would ask next as he was already opening his mouth, “Yes, I can.”

As Jason was already walking to the doors, Marinette still stood there. “Are you not going to tell your friends proper goodbye?” she asked, frowning and tilting her head. “If this— if this goes like I’m planning for it to go, and if you’re not about to have them break you out, you won’t be seeing them for at least a decade, not much anyway. I don’t think it’s fair to leave them without as much as a bye, as you did with me, even if this goodbye involved much less blood and fewer near-death experiences.”

Jason turned around, surprised for a second, but then smiled at her. “Thank you,” he whispered as he went past her, so quiet even Marinette barely heard it. Marinette walked outside, waiting for Jason as she leant against the wall of the warehouse. The bright sunlight almost blinded her after the darkness that seemed to be the general setting of the warehouse.

Eventually, Jason emerged from inside, helped her to get on his motorbike, and then they were good to go. Considering the amount of money Marinette had, thanks to her job and relation to the Waynes, getting them plane tickets rather fast.

Somehow, Marinette ended up crying silent tears half the time Jason was asleep because she was no longer sure if she wanted this.

She would go through with it anyway.

She’d waited too long to stop now.

❋❋❋

Marinette could only stare into his eyes. She didn’t have the strength to do anything but that, and maybe close her eyes, but she needed to see Jason’s face, his eyes. She needed to.

“Did you truly? Then why? Or did you stop loving me? Was it all a lie when you told me you loved me only an hour ago?”

The tears that had threatened to spill from her eyes now flowed down her face. Jason wiped the tears from her eyes and pressed a kiss on her nose. “I— I did love you. I still do. Probably always will. I just… had no other choice. I’m sorry, baby. I hurt people, it’s all I’m good at.”

❋❋❋

The family was shocked, surprised, disappointed, sorrowful, when they heard what Jason had done, when they heard Jason himself confess what he’d done to Marinette, his then-fiancée. Or, well. It’s not like they ever actually broke off the engagement, not even between the two of them. Both still wore their engagement rings on the thin chains around their necks.

Bruce, Damian and Tim refused to shed tears at the trial and the hearing. Dick did not even hide it. Cass looked ready to cry but didn’t.

None of them tried to hide their sadness and disappointment about the events at the sentencing, but none of them would have ever tried to oppose or affect the punishment.

14 years in prison.

The entire sentencing, Marinette kept her chin up, ignored the burning tears in her eyes and the hollow emptiness in her chest as she watched Jason accept his sentence before glancing quickly at her and smiling.

Marinette sat as far from the rest of the family as she could the entirety of it, guilt eating at her.

She knew she shouldn’t. She was the one wronged, she was the one whose fiancé had betrayed her for god knows what and gotten nearly killed by the person she had trusted the most in the world.

Marinette stood up, and once everyone was silent, she spoke. “Excuse me, Your Honour, but may I talk with the defendant after this is over?”

Sighing, the judge looked at her like she’d gone crazy (Marinette wasn’t too convinced that wasn’t what had happened) before answering. “Alright, you may, you’re the plaintiff after all. There will be at least one officer watching over the exchange to ensure your safety, ma’am.”

“Thank you, Your Honour.”

❋❋❋

Marinette forced a sad smile on her face, even through her fury and the feelings of betrayal and sorrow, because she didn’t know how else she was supposed to react. “I guess—”, she coughed, more blood spilling from her mouth, “—this is a lesson in not trusting people, right?” she asked, smiling through her pain, crying, her sight blurring with tears and the blood loss. Her eyes closed, now unable to keep them open. She could feel Jason stroking her cheek a little, as though in a gesture of comfort before he stood up and just, walked away from her.

❋❋❋

“I’m sorry again, baby.”

“Please, don’t.”

“Alright. I love you. Go live your life. Never feel guilty for starting again, if you even do feel guilty in the first place. I hope you don’t. Find a new partner if that makes you happy, destroy all my stuff if you haven’t already, yes, even the bike,” he told her. “You don’t need to worry about the others, they would never harm you, especially since I told them you’re untouchable.”

Marinette let the tears roll down her cheeks as she pressed her head into his chest. “Why do you try to ensure my safety after what you did?” she asked through her tears and felt Jason’s chained hands wipe her tears away. “I can’t stop loving you, and I hate it. I wanted— I wanted to—”

“It’s okay, baby. I understand.”

“All I wished was to live with you until death do us part but then—”

“Yeah, I know. I fucked up. I love you. I don’t blame you for any of this, it was my fault in the first place.”

Once their time was up, the officers took Jason away. Or well. Were about to, anyway.

“If we had never met, it would have saved us both some grief,” Marinette whispered. She thought he hadn’t heard her, but then he smiled at her.

“I suppose, but I don’t regret meeting you, not aside from the fact it led me to nearly kill you. That’s all I regret. Smile with the sky. Let your smile bloom forth in a riot. For me, one last time. I don’t want to see you cry, not today. It’s supposed to be the day you’ll finally be in peace,” he told her. She forced a small smile on her face. “Here, at last, is her smile: burn it into your memory; you won’t see it often.”

She could recognise the words. Jason had read them to her once or twice before… everything. They were words he had told her when he proposed, and right now she wondered if he had already known he was going to soon do what he did already back then.

Perhaps.

That thought ate her alive, but so did Jason’s willingness to go through with this and the love she could still see in Jason’s eyes. She looked into Jason’s eyes and tried to keep the smile on her face even as she would have rather cried and collapsed on the spot, or maybe into Jason’s arms. And then again, she didn’t want to touch him ever again in her life.

As he walked past her, accompanied by the officers, he whispered one last thing to her.

“Thank you, for making sure I would pay for what I did to you, baby. Thank you for showing me you were still alive.”

It was only on that day that she was told Jason had called their family to save her. She finally understood why they so stubbornly had decided to believe Jason wasn’t to blame until now.

That night, Marinette cried herself to sleep.

❋❋❋

The burning, stinging pain in her chest faded and numbed as the surrounding world faded away as well. The only thing she could hear was the faraway voice of Jason, she heard it like she was underwater, but it was there.

“If you somehow by some miracle survive alive from this, make sure I will have to pay, have the law make me pay, ‘cause this happened for no reason you would ever consider noble. There’s nothing that could ever justify what I have done to you. I’m sorry.”

____________________________

@kris-pines04 @thethirdwheelfriend @maribat-is-lifeblood @abrx2002 @persephonebutkore @rebecarojas07 @corabeth11 @kadmeread @freshbark @maribat-march2020 @catsandfanfic @fertileleaf @cutechip

[ambered-glazed-sheep]

Please do go on about Doomslayer and his morals. I'm legit fascinated by him since starting the let's play I'm watching and I'd love to hear your take on him (I know literally nothing about the Doom franchise other than lots of blood and violence against demons and also badass music)

You know, a year ago when my friends asked me 'hey do you wanna play minecraft' and i said 'yeah sure' i would have never thought i would one day have a minecraft sideblog where i get questions about the personality of the main character of a shooter fps game (of all things!) that is known for its incredible violence.

But here you go:

(prepare yourself this has gotten way longer than i thought oh god, and also it has nothing to do with hermits whatsoever. warnings for language and descriptions of violence? and i assume the readmore won’t be working the way i want it to)

Ok so, Doom!

First of all, i know nothing about the old games, and i’ve only seen a minimal amount of Doom Eternal Letsplays. Most of this is based on Doom (2016). 

Ok so we all start out thinking Doomguy! It’s the guy you play in Doom. The hand that hold the gun YOU are shooting demons with. And sure, you can go trough the whole game with that mindset, but that’s boring and we are overthinking fictional characters in this house.

ID software actually managed to give Doomguy/Doomslayer a TON of personality despite him never saying a word, barely any cutscenes to show what he does when you don’t control him (at least in Doom 2016), and not a lot of other characters to interact with despite enemy monsters.

The game just leaves you little hints and snippets and that’s what makes Doomslayer so exciting to think about. Just the right levels between ‘cryptid half-god who never shows emotion and is a player-insert’ and ‘this dude’s got an AGENDA. he has PLACES TO BE’. You are him as you play, but sometimes he makes decisions on his own. But personally, i could never find myself to disagree.

First, you got the intro sequence. 

You got a unknown voice telling you: 

“They are rage. Brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse. Rip and Tear, until it is done.”

First of all, YO. WOW. HOLY SHIT.

The scene immediately shifts to Doomslayer waking up. He’s naked, he’s chained down somewhere, theresa SHIT TON of scars littering his arms and hands. First thing HE does, on his own behalf, is ripping off the chains by flexing a little (literal iron chains!!!), smashing a zombies head against the sarcophagus he lays in and completely obliterating said head into a bit of blood (mind you, three seconds after he woke up from a thousands of years long coma!! but we only learn that later), and then promptly gets up, picks up a pistol, and now it’s your, the players turn. This takes like 8 seconds in total. This man means BUSINESS. That’s the first thing we learn.

Second thing that strikes me is the interactions with Samuel Hayden. 

Doomslayer is patient when a computer voice tells him the status of the base. He is patient as he looks at the screens to see what is going on. (a demonic invasion, thats what). But then dear Dr. Samuel Hayden calls. 

Dr. Hayden says “Hi, i’m the boss here, i’m sure we can work together in a way that benefits us both uwu”. Doomslayer immediately grabs the PC screen and pushes it aside. His gesture says, i’m done with this. im sick of this dude. this guy is full of shit. And he’s right! And that after barely hearing two sentences from Hayden!

So the second thing we learn is that he has no time for people trying to exploit him. He hears Hayden, he has a gut feeling that this dude is a little fishy, maybe he just plain doesnt like higher ups and heads of facilities. But we learn that he IS. NOT. going to listen to this man, and his body language makes that very clear without being actually violent against the person (he doesnt destroy the Screen either! just pushes it aside very annoyed. He isn’t mindlessly destroying property here.)

This continues. 

Hayden goes ‘hey maybe don’t destroy that energy source!’ in the few seconds you dont control him, Doomslayer listens. He hesitates. He considers. Then he destroys the thing anyways. Hayden keeps telling him to stop, but Doomslayer doesnt listen. He’s got his own mind!

This was mostly about Haydens Company, the UAC, harvesting hell energy, and hurting people in the process. 

There’s a scene where Doomslayer rides an elevator. Hayden, over the comms, tells him that everyone that has died in the demon attack was a nacessary sacrifice that will bring a new future or some shit like that. the camera pans down to show some poor sods corpse at those very words. Doomslayer cracks his knuckles. he is NOT HAPPY about that, so we know he doesnt like it when human lifes are sacrificed. He destroys the communicator, so he doesnt have to listen to Haydens voice telling him lies and trying to sway him anymore. 

(then he takes out his shotgun, the doors open, metal starts playing and the doom logo is shown, but that’s more about making the player feel epic than showing doomslayers personality,,)

Now i would like to talk about VEGA, the AI that controls the mars facility. 

VEGA occasionally talks to us/the Slayer. He is very straightforward, tells us what to do and why to do it, and is generally very polite. In the story, Doomslayer listens to Vega. 

Now why does he listen to VEGA but not Hayden? 

I think it’s because Hayden tries to get him to do things that just benefit him, and Hayden is very manipulative in his words (or tries to be lol), while Vega just says (if you destroy this thing, that door will open. I think Doomslayer appreciates it when people are honest to him.

And in the end, Doomslayer on his own decides to save a backup of VEGA. VEGA didn’t ask him to, Doomslayer did that on his own. It’s not relevant to his mission, he doesnt need VEGA to go to hell to close portals and whatnot. But he does save him. Why? I think it’s because he cares. Because he’s come to like VEGA. Because Vega didn’t try to manipulate him and screw him over. 

Next up is the Slayers Testament. 

These are a bunch of writings/recordings that you find scattered in the hell levels. (i highly recommend listening to them/reading them, they are metal as fuck and give me such an immense feeling of power bc they are talking about me, the doomslayer)

These testaments were written by demons. They were genuinely afraid of the slayer. 

Quote:

Unbreakable, incorruptible, unyielding, the Doom Slayer sought to end the dominion of the dark realm.

As said, i don’t think these are purely talking about his physical strength. They are talking about his... well, mentality. His Codex. They see him as an unstoppable force. He is incorruptible. Let that sink in. Man walks trough hordes of demons and at no point ever thinks ‘yeah maybe this is a bit much’ or ‘they just keep coming this is pointless’. No. He’s unyielding. (Can you tell how much i love the words in these testaments? It’s just got such a nice ring to it.)

In battle, the Doomslayer is BRUTAL. He tears apart demons, rips their eyes out, all that. He stomps on heads like they’re water balloons and isn’t fazed at all. Nothing stops this man. (except players like me who fall off the map 5 consecutive times, but lets just imagine the doomslayer is actually like he would be if someone played the game perfectly. player skill shouldn’t be considered in my headcanons jahdjhgd) One could even argue he has fun at this, because there are some animations like ripping off a zombies arm and beating the Zombie with it, or feeding a demon it’s own heart.

I feel like that says a lot about his personality as well!

He doesn’t hesitate. He doesn’t doubt himself. He doesn’t question his cause! He fights to get rid of the demons, not just the ones in his way, but every. demon. He will go out of his way to kill more demons. You could either take this as him having fun, or him following his own moral codex to get rid of every demon, or him being a not-quite-human war machine, or wanting to protect humanity from them. 

I would say it’s a healthy mix of all that :D

In older games, there was this whole backstory snippet of him returning to earth, finding that the demons had invaded his planet but also killed his pet rabbit (Daisy), and he then goes onto a 2-game long revenge trip.Take that as you will.

The last thing i would like to mention is this post.

Please watch the video. Doomguy walks trough the rows of random human guards. This is the walk of a man who doesn’t owe them SHIT. Yes, he wants to save humanity. Yes, he cares. But he also knows who he is. He knows what he did, and what he will do. He doesn’t have to justify himself in front of these shady scientists and jerky guards.THEY owe HIM, in fact. This video emits the sheer CONFIDENCE of someone who has walked trough hell multiple times and knows none of these people could even touch him. Yes, he would never kill them. He would not harm humans. But he doesn’t care about making them uncomfortable with his presence, either. He doesnt ask for permission.

(i think by now i am using the exact same words they did in that post. really, its worth the read. i think there’s a lot of repeated things between this post and that post by now but i encourage you to watch that video. its worth it.)

Also, the impact he has on the people in this room! they trip. they walk backwards. they go quiet, stutter. they are intimidated. They know he’s technically here to help and save them, but now, standing in front of them.... just wow. it really puts things into perspective. it tells the player that all the demons that he’s killed, all that the doomslayer has done... its noted. it has an impact. 

I’m not really sure where i’m going with this anymore, but watching those NPCs react to the slayers presence just adds so much more to his character. it tells us how people see him, and boy.... do they see him. 

i think it also ties a lot into how the player is made feel, controlling doomguy. all these head stomping and limp tearing animations, the guns, people being scared, watching doomslayer destroy important equipment from first pirson or pushing open doors or whatever... it just gives me such an immense feeling of power! i can’t even describe it. (...it also has nothing to do anymore with the original question but holy shit did i love playing doom for the sheer atmosphere of it. despite me being horrible at playing.)

(at the end of this i’m realizing that all of this never addressed if doomslayer is happy and content murdering demons, or if he just wants his peace and quiet but can’t help himself every time he sees a demon. i would propose to leave that up to headcanons. mine is a mix of both but in a way that makes it not angsty. like he loves to have his calm moments, but is just as happy to rip some demon’s spine out. probably gets a little itchy and impatient if he hasn’t fought in a while.)

also if you’re interested in game design and way more professional people talking about why doom 2016 is great i reccomend this documentary

...anyways it’s past 1am and this has gotten way out of hand but

tl;dr: the doomslayer is metal as fuck, he has a lot of agenda he is following, and i love him so much

[whumpbeans]

Soulmark

So I’m writing this bc when I was a young bean I was told that if I didn’t get married at 16 I was worthless, and then when I graduated high school I was degraded by my nuclear family so this piece contains some of that good venting hurt lmao. Also be gentle, I’m not a good writer and this isn’t edited lol.

Tw: suicide attempt, bullying, suicidal thoughts, near character death

Characters: lance centric angst, Keith, hunk, Pidge, Coran, Shiro, Allura (eventually), axca

Part one

He stood on the edge of a ten story building. The cold night wind sent a shiver up his spine. The hair on his arms stood up. He lifted a foot in front of him. He tested the gravity. No solid ground touched his foot. His heart pounded in his chest.

His foot firmly planted back on the ledge. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

His head pounded. He looked up at the sky. The stars obscured by city lights. Lance’s knees wobbled under him and he almost fell forward. He managed to stabilize himself and took a step down from the ledge.

This time he opted to sit on it instead. His feet dangled limblessly. He closed his eyes tightly and tilted his head back. His fingers gripped the ledge. He scooted himself closer to the edge. He let out a shaky breath. A wave of pain crossed through his chest. Something heavy and cold weighed his heart-or what used to be his heart.

“Soul-bonds, huh?” Lance chucked a crumpled piece of cement onto the pavement. Most people in the world were born with odd marks somewhere on their bodies. Once their destined touched them, the mark grows into a bigger tattoo. Lance stared at where his clean, unmarked flesh sat. His soulmark never existed. Likely his destined died in childbirth. Lance never even got the chance to meet them. “Fuck…” his voice choked. Hot tears slid down his cheeks.

“What’s the use of a soul if it’s incomplete?” His mother said this to his abuelita over the phone. She didn’t know he heard her.

“But it’s true,” Lance whispered to himself. He sighed. No point. “To be fair I never had a point here.” He chuckled, but his throat grew tight and hot. He coughed.

“I heard people lose their soulmates when they whore themselves out.,” his uncle glared at Lance. Lance was seven when he heard that. He shook his head.

“He’s broken, don’t touch him,” a woman grabbed one of his classmates arms and pulled him away from Lance.

“Broken,” Lance repeated numbly.

His eyes felt wet and burned. He squeezed his eyes shut.

He opened up his eyes and stared ahead. The shadows of tall buildings covered his frame from detection of any passerby in the street below. He took a deep breath and stood to his feet again. Another deep breath. He glanced behind himself. His neon blue sneakers sat propped on the base of the ledge. Lance’s eyes returned ahead of himself. Another deep breath.

Lance took a step forward. His eyes stared at the street. Time seemed to slow down. His body weight inched closer to the pavement. All the blood in his body rushed into his ears. It filled his head. He felt light.

His heart pounded rapidly in his chest. He closed his eyes. Lance waited for impact.

Except there was none.

Except someone held onto his hips. Strong arms wrapped tightly around him. His body half dangled over the ledge. The person who held him grunted. He pulled Lance back. Lance didn’t fight it. Instead he leaned his body backwards which allowed the guy to not fall over the ledge with him.

Lance fell backwards and onto the person who held onto him. He grunted. A sharp jab pressed against Lance’s ribs. Lance yelped and rolled off of the guy. He glared at the guy. His eyes immediately softened at the familiar face.

“Fuck me,” Lance groaned.

Keith-fucking-Kogane saved him. The most emo and well liked student amongst the garrison. He practically followed through Shiros, the school’s original top dog before he went MIA, footsteps. Why was he even here? Lance scattered to his feet and backed up. His back hit the wall of the ledge. Keith sat up quickly. His eyes wide. He quickly jumped onto Lance as if Lance would immediately try to jump off of the building. Lance struggled with Keith sitting on his hips. He tried to buck Keith off. Keith kept him pinned down.

Lance thrashed his head back and forth.

“Listen to me-hey!” Keith yelled at him. “Snap out of it!”

Lance tried to move his arms from under Keith’s grip. He Threw his head back and forth again. Keith wrapped his arms then around Lance’s torso. His body now supported by Keith. Lance froze.

Fat tears rolled down Lance’s cheeks. He buried his head into Keith’s shoulder. Sobs wracked his body. His hands clutched Keith’s stupid cropped jacket.

______________________________________________________

Lance was sure Keith didn’t recognize him when they got blasted into space. By the way he acted, Keith either could win a grammy with his acting performance or he didn’t recognize Lance. He felt pretty certain of the latter.

Now the team stood on an alien planet. They tried to recon with the planet but the planet was ambushed by galra.

Lance leaned his head back. His heart pounded in his chest. Blasters sounded off in the distance. He heard the familiar sound of a lion taking to the air. Now if he could just get to red…

“Get to your lions! We need to form voltron!” Keith commanded over the comms.

Galran soldiers yelled off directions. They stomped closer to where Lance hid. He readied his bayard. He took a deep breath in. He aimed. He shot down a soldier. He exhaled. The Galra turned towards Lance’s direction.

Lance took that as his cue to run like hell. He turned around and ran straight into someone. He quickly backed up, but his weapon got knocked out of his hand. Lotor’s squad. The big hunk of galran meat, Zethrid, grinned at him. Her murderous eyes filled with mirth.

“Can we do this another day, I gotta plane to catch,” Lances voice shook.

She grabbed his arm and threw him against the back of a tree like plant. He gasped.

“Lance! We don’t have time to joke around!” Pidge grunted through the comms.

Zethrid threw a punch at Lance. Lance ducked. He side-rolled. Lance ran forward. Zethrid grabbed his ankle and swung him into the ground. All the air in his body left him. She punched his chest plate. Lance choked.

He struggled against Zethrid, but she pinned him.

“Guys?!” he struggled to say into the comms, “I got trouble!”

The comms buzzed. “Lance, what’s your position?” Keith asked.

Zethrid raised her arm. Lance’s eyes widened. “I-”

She threw her hand down. The impact of her hand against Lance’s helmet cracked it. His head slammed against the ground. He felt dizzy. His eyesight blurred.

He could hear the comms buzz, but the sound they made didn’t make sense. Zethrid filled his vision again. She held up her hand again. Another punch. Lance felt the impact. His jaw ached. His eyes burned.

A neon blue colored bird landed in front of him. It bounced around and then took off. And with the bird, so did his consciousness.

Warmth spread through him. It dripped from his head and through his body.

Something pressed his shoulder. Something shook him. Lance lazily opened his eyes.

A purple galra shoved a clay cup into his face. Lance took it. He stared at the cup. His head dizzy and thoughts constantly derailed. He took a sip of the water. The water held no taste. Satisfied, the guard left. A cell locked in front of him.

Across from Lance sat another empty cell. Both areas purple and dark. Lance shivered. A cold draft passed through the cells. His head throbbed. Lance squeezed his eyes shut.

What happened? “Prisoner,” Lance’s eyes snapped open. He got taken. He looked down at himself. He wore nothing but a pair of scratchy, brown colored cloth pants.

“You’re up,” said a shrill voice.

Lance shivered.

His cell door squeaked open. A pair of sentries and a druid came in and cuffed him. They placed a magenta colored collar around his neck that attached to a similar colored leash. The druid held the leash behind Lance.

Lance’s heart pounded in his chest. He swallowed thickly. The robots lead him into an off room adjacent to the prison cells. In the room sat a large lab. Many large tubes filled with strange purple and silver colored liquid stationed around the lab. A large dissection table with straps attached. Off of the center stood something that looked like a pillory.

The druid yanked his leash. It sent electricity through the leash and onto Lance. Lance yelped. He quickly matched his pace to the druid. It lead him to the pillory. Lance felt shame burn his cheeks as they locked his head into place.

“Blue paladin,” the druid almost sang. “I have been given permission to test you in the most lethal ways, how wonderful!” The druid drifted towards one of the control panels. It picked up an item sitting on it. The druid levitated back to Lance. It displayed a long whip at Lance. “Let’s get started, shall we?”

Fear gripped Lance’s stomach. “He-hey! I’m not really into this stuff,” he stuttered, “Maybe we should, um, do something else?” His voice became shrill. The druid disappeared from his vision.

The first strike always hurt the worst. Lance squeezed his eyes shut.

“These freaks deserve worse,” Charlie Diaz rose his stick up again. He slammed it against Lance’s back. Lance screamed. He couldn’t fight back. Charlie was much bigger than him being a fourth grader while Lance barely stood a chance at seven years old.

The second strike snapped against his back. He felt blood trickle down his shoulder.

A hand wrapped around his throat. “This is wha’ ya get!” His uncle slurred. “Soulmateless...ha! You’re a sorry excuse of a life.”

Tears burned Lance’s eyes, but he held them back. He’s been through worse. Another snap of the whip. Lance’s knees wobbled. After another hit, his knees gave out. He barely held on using his ankles to support himself in an awkward squatted position. His body weight now half leaning against the pillory.

Several more whips attacked Lance’s skin.

“Lo siento, mijo,” his mother kissed his forehead. “No tienes una media naranja.”

Lance didn’t really understand her words. Soulmates were for parents anyways, and he didn’t need an icky partner. They had cooties anyways. “No la necesito,” he whispered. He looked into his mother’s eyes. The whites of her pupil red and wet. Her cheeks flushed. She hugged him.

The pillory’s lock snapped open. Lance fell to the ground. His back ached. His limbs too heavy to move. The druid yanked on his leash. The zap of electricity brought to life his jelly-like limbs.

Lance stood up and followed the druid. It lead him next to the table. He laid onto his back. He yelped from the pressure on the lashes that covered his back. The druid strapped him in. It tied Lance’s leash to a pole attached to the side of the bed across from his head.

The druid then returned to one of the control panels. Lance took several deep breaths. It came back with a syringe filled with some strange neon blue colored liquid in it. Lance glared at the syringe. The druid slapped his arm a few time. It then held his elbow steady and injected the serum.

The prick distracted Lance briefly from the pain in his back. A familiar heavy feeling sank in his chest. The serum took full effect. The druid unlatched Lance from his restraints. It didn’t undo the leash from the pole. Lance cautiously sat up. Fatigue crawled through him. The druid levitated to a high vantage point.

Lance sat against the table. His head felt dizzy. His back hurt. His chest felt empty. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head against them. His heartbeat slowed. He swallowed back a sob and bit his lip.

He blinked hard. He wanted to...he shook his head. Not now, Lance ordered himself.

The blood on his back trickled. Unable to keep clotting. Lance let out a trembled sigh. He laid on his side. His eyesight blurry. He heard the druid levitate closer to him.