#confessions of a junkorexic

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

may 30, 2023 | entry #7

has it been over two months since my last entry? yes. was this absence caused by an almost three month long binge cycle? also yes.

the only reason i haven’t slammed my head into a brick wall yet is because i’ve somehow managed to maintain my weight throughout the whole ordeal. don’t get me wrong i’m still severely overweight, but i managed to avoid gaining any substantial weight during my binge episode so i guess that’s a positive? in my last journal entry (3/15/22) i weighed in at 201.4 lbs and as of last wednesday (5/24/22) i am now a whopping 201 lbs even. granted, my weight definitely fluctuated between then and now but at least i didn’t do any severe damage.

on the flip side, the binge did set me back pretty far goal wise. i told myself that i wanted to lose 50lbs by summer, but tomorrow is the first day of june and i’ve only managed to lose 20lbs since JANUARY!! i have no one to blame but myself honestly. it’s my fault i don’t exercise as often as i should. it’s my fault that i don’t possess an ounce of self control around food. it’s my fault that i spend all day feeling sorry for myself instead of getting up and doing something to change my circumstances. i’d be easier on myself if i was naive to my faults, but since i am so painfully aware of my self sabotaging, i feel like i’d only be doing myself even more of a disservice by not holding myself accountable. so for the millionth time in a row, i’m back to treating myself like a toddler. no exceptions, no breaks, no “treat days”, nothing. i’ve gotta tighten the reigns now if i want to get anywhere near my gw by the end of the year.

it’s times like this where i wonder if this attempt will be the last attempt? if this is where i stop wishing for something and actually buckle down and work my ass off to achieve it? whenever you hear people tell their stories about how they accomplished a goal they always have some “eye opening moment” that made everything click for them and gave them the motivation to follow through. i hope my moment comes soon…i need it to come soon.

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food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

N/A (0 cals)

dinner

chicken caesar salad (335 cals)

snack(s)

popcorn…like a lot of popcorn (608 cals)

water w/ sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

water w/ sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

cal intake

953 cals

———————————————————————

daily stats

cw

201 lbs (91.2 kgs) [5/24/23]

bmi

38

steps

over 1,200 (estimated)

hrs fasted

16

days binge free

2

mood

😕❤️‍🩹🐋😪🍿

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

march 16, 2023 | entry #5

ughhhhhhh…i f*cked up today :( everything was going perfectly fine until i stayed in the kitchen too late and before i knew it i had downed two huge bowls of cereal 😭 my max intake for today was supposed to be 800 cals (it should be noted i was already at 811 cals before the cereal binge fiasco) buuuut after i scarfed down two bowls of reese’s puffs my intake quickly shot up to almost 1,600 cals (double of what it was supposed to be)—junkorexia strikes again! (really living up to my journal title) i felt like absolute sh*t immediately after…but it was delicious going down 💀 *sigh* i couldn’t even make it a full five days w/o binging :/ IS AN OUNCE OF SELF CONTROL TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR UNIVERSE?! i ended up purging it by jump roping for like an hour immediately after :/ i managed to burn off most of the binge before i started to feel too sick to function so i guess the mission was semi accomplished? what’s worse is that even after all of this sh*t i still want to eat more food ☹️ …now that i think about it…i did skip out on taking my appetite suppressants today…fml

and on that note, i’m going to bed—ciao! <3

———————————————————————

food log

breakfast

fast (0 cals)

lunch

fast (0 cals)

dinner

baked flounder (96 cals)

butter noodles (305 cals)

broccoli (30 cals)

breadstick (190 cals)

12 oz diet coke (0 cals)

snack(s)

fiber gummies (30 cals)

vanilla protein shake (160 cals)

two bowls of cereal (760 cals)

———————————————————————

daily stats

cw : 201.4 lbs (91.3 kgs) [3-15-23]

bmi : 38

cal intake : 1,571

cals burned : 635

net cals : 936

steps : 3,217

hours fasted : 16 hrs

days binge free : 0 (relapse)

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

march 15, 2023 | entry #4

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

i have officially lost 20lbs since january!!!! ahhhhhh!!!!!!! on january 2, 2023 i weighed 221.4 lbs and as of today i weigh 201.4lbs! it’s definitely not a “drastic” lose (especially since i’ve done this a million times before even more rapidly) but alas, i’m still happy that i’m essentially just one fast away from being back in the 190s since may 2021! just think…if i get my shit together and keep this up i’ll be at my ugw by this time next year! it’s honestly so surreal to even think about but i’m hopeful 🫶🏾

other than that, nothing too insane has transpired today (besides me literally almost fainting while jump roping this morning bc i had been liquid fasting for the past 24 hrs)—what can i say? i’m determined 🤭 today was supposed to be a water fast but i knew i would be doomed to fail before i even started so i just opted to liquid fast 💀…that was until i got uncontrollably nauseous midday and ended up cutting the fast short and eating a few ounces of chicken and a protein cookie #proteinispriority—but now i feel a little too full and super gross so i’m just gonna lay down and pray i don’t blow chunks all over my room 🤢

ciao! <3

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

fast (0 cals)

lunch

fast (0 cals)

dinner

6 oz of spicy chicken (315 cals)

snack(s)

fiber gummies (30 cals)

pb & chocolate chip protein cookie (220 cals)

caramel protein + collagen shake (245 cals)

total cal intake

810 👍

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

daily stats

cw

201.4lbs (91.3 kgs) [-0.6]

bmi

38

steps

2,265

hours fasted

17

days binge free

5

[dietcokedemise]

Confessions of a Junkorexic

june 9, 2023 | entry #16

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

my redemption arc is in full effect! i’ve felt super sh*tty about the calorie overconsumption streak i’ve been on for the past few days but unlike in the past, i’m now choosing to make the conscious effort to assess the problem and work towards a resolution instead of my former method of coping by essentially just giving up on holding myself accountable, reinforcing the bad/harmful behavior, and continuing the cycle instead of forming a solution to end it 🙂 trust me, i may sound “enlightened” and “in-tune” with myself but i am faaaaar from either 😅

this being said…i ate out at a restaurant again today 💀 i made plans with a friend of mine to grab lunch and i literally spent an entire hour last night sifting through the menu to plan what i was going to eat and calculate the calories of everything…this however got thrown out the window when i got flustered while ordering and ended up ordering more food than i originally planned 🥲 BUT I CAN EXPLAIN!

so i went to Hooter’s for the first time ever today (it was f*cking delicious and i have zero regrets) and because i knew that this would be a restaurant where my fast a*s could easily go overboard, i ultimately planned to just order a boneless buffalo wing kids meal—that way i’d still be able to eat something i’d enjoy with portion control—hooooowever, it did not go as planned. i didn’t see the meal listed anywhere on the main menu but i still tried to order a kid’s meal anyways. i asked for a 5 piece boneless buffalo wing kids meal but i don’t think our waitress heard the “kids meal” part and told me that the lowest count for wings was 8 pieces. i was too embarrassed/flustered to repeat the order of what i actually wanted so i just went with it and ordered 8 wings instead of 5 😕 my friend and i also got an order of fries but luckily for me they weren’t that good so i barely ate any.

overall i’m not super peeved about it because the wings were amazing, i just would have felt like less of an obese whale had i been able to order my kid’s meal 😣 but on the bright side, i started my fast pretty early so hopefully i’ll finally be able to complete a 24 hr fast by tomorrow! fingers crossed🤞🏾

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

8 boneless buffalo wings (660 cals) [estimated]

1/4 serving of curly fries (160 cals) [estimated]

side of ranch dressing (200 cals) [estimated]

diet pepsi (0 cals)

dinner

N/A (0 cals)

snacks(s)

N/A (0 cals)

total cal intake

1,020 cals 👎 [estimated]

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

daily stats

cw

196.6 lbs (89.2 kgs) [-0.02]

bmi

37.1

lbs until current gw (180 lbs)

16.6 lbs

lbs until ugw (100 lbs)

96.9 lbs

steps

NOT TRACKED

hrs fasted

15 hrs

days binge free

1 🥲

[dietcokedemise]

Confessions of a Junkorexic

june 8, 2023 | entry #15

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

i f*cked up my 1 week binge free streak :( i didn’t “technically” binge (at least according to my standards) but i overate two days in a row and the cals essentially all add up to a binge so i’m counting it. i feel full and gross. this could have been avoided had i just kept my fast going after i ate dinner yesterday :/ i know that once i start eating i can’t stop, yet i keep sabotaging myself over and over again.

i was supposed to be doing a 24 hr fast today to make up for all the sh*t i ate yesterday and i was so close to completing it…but like a true junk food addict, i ended my fast 4 hrs early just to shove chips and ice cream down my throat like a fast. a*s :( yet another day of consuming almost 2k cals in one day *sigh* i’m doomed to be a fat f*ck forever…

i almost forgot! i weighed myself this morning and shockingly enough i lost 1 lb 💀 i probably gained it back after downing an entire bag of chips and a pint of ice cream but it was fun while it lasted 🥲 i’m meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow and i cannot overeat again. three days of overeating like a pig would actually send me into a spiral and i am not well enough mentally to deal with that sh*t right now.

gonna go spend the next hour vigorously planning my cals for tomorrow now ✌🏾

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

N/A (0 cals)

dinner

N/A (0 cals)

snacks(s)

bag of hot fries (525 cals)

1 pint of ben & jerry’s half baked ice cream (1,120 cals)

total cal intake

1,645 cals 👎

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

daily stats

cw

196.8 lbs (89.3 kgs) [-1.00]

bmi

37.1

lbs until current gw (180 lbs)

16.8 lbs

lbs until ugw (100 lbs)

96.8 lbs

steps

1,597

hrs fasted

20

days binge free

0

[dietcokedemise]

Confessions of a Junkorexic

june 7, 2023 | entry #14

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

fml. fasted for 20 hrs bc i was out with my mom most of the day. we went to Chili’s for dinner and my food was so high cal ☹️ (damn you chicken crispers!) also just had a “little” snack a few minutes ago. i went over my cal limit by 686 cals. i didn’t binge but it feels like it. i feel gross. probs gonna 24 hr fast tomorrow to repent for my sins 🙏🏾 now i’m gonna go to bed b4 i actually ruin my 1 week binge free milestone tomorrow 💋

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

N/A (0 cals)

dinner

2 chili’s chipotle honey chicken crispers (530 cals) [estimated]

side of fries (420 cals) [estimated]

side of ranch (170 cals) [estimated]

1/2 of a caesar side salad (155 cals) [estimated]

coke zero (0 cals)

snacks(s)

15 slices of pepperoni (160 cals)

2 colby jack cheese snack bars (160 cals)

blueberry cran snack medley (90 cals)

total cal intake

1,685 cals 👎 [estimated]

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

daily stats

cw

197.8 lbs (89.7 kgs) [-3.2]

bmi

37.4

lbs until current gw (180 lbs)

17.8

lbs until ugw (100 lbs)

97.8

steps

2,365

hrs fasted

20

days binge free

6

[dietcokedemise]

Confessions of a Junkorexic

june 6, 2023 | entry #13

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

I’M BACK IN THE 190s! it has been damn near two years since i last weighed this low!! wtf!!!! it sounds a bit pathetic out loud (ok very pathetic) but i’m sooooo happy to finally be out of the 200s 🥹 don’t get me wrong i’m still obese, especially for my height, but i’m still rlly proud of myself. my never ending b/r cycle has wrecked havoc on my life for YEARS and it’s been a long time since i’ve had the strength to fight it and actually stick with my self control efforts.

this being said, i did cave and let myself have some simple carbs today 💀 i was supposed to be cutting simple carbs out of my diet this week but of course that only lasted what? two days?? i simply cannot help that i am a slave to pb&j sandwiches! (honestly i’m a slave to anything starchy) that loaf of brioche bread my mother bought has been taunting me ever since it entered my sacred home and i’ve been fighting the binge demons ever since. i want it GONE! i actually had to talk myself down from eating an extra slice of bread while making my sandwich 😭 i took one bite out of it but i had to force myself to rip it up and throw away the rest of it.

tossing food i shouldn’t eat has been a exponential struggle of mine for god knows how long. i so desperately wish i was one of those people who could just douse their food in dish soap or bleach to avoid eating it, but i’m never brave enough to actually follow through with it when the opportunity presents itself. being able to toss that extra slice was definitely a mini achievement for me and i’m proud of myself for being able to get rid of something instead of just caving and eating it. food addiction is a bitch, but i’m determined to make it my bitch!

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

egg white bites w/ cheese (51 cals)

2 slices of bacon (80 cals)

zero sugar vanilla greek yogurt w/ cinnamon + sliced almonds (70 cals)

small vanilla iced coffee (136 cals)

lunch

pb&j sandwich (379 cals)

dinner

grilled chicken w/ creamy salsa (243 cals)

12 oz diet coke (0 cals)

snacks(s)

water + sugar free drink mix (10 cals)

total cal intake

969 cals 👍 (lol 69 🤭)

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

daily stats

cw

197.8 lbs (89.7) [-3.2]

bmi

37.4

lbs until current gw (180 lbs)

17.8 lbs

lbs until ugw (100 lbs)

97.8 lbs

steps

967

hrs fasted

15

days binge free

5

[dietcokedemise]

Confessions of a Junkorexic

june 5, 2023 | entry #12

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

today was a good day. not great, but good…and i’m okay with that :) i successfully restricted pretty well today (at least for my standards) and it didn’t even feel forced. i am souped up on prescribed appetite suppressants that are for sure 99.9% the reason restricting hasn’t been as painstakingly difficult for me these past couple of months as it normally is…but a victory is a victory!

the only reason i would say that today wasn’t a “great” day is bc i forgot to weigh myself this morning :( and i also forgot to wear my activity tracker band :(( but tomorrow is a new day! let’s hope my starved brain gets it’s shit together by morning…

its 2 a.m. now and i’m starting to get a little peckish…going to sleep before i fuck up today’s progress 😗✌️

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

egg white bites w/ veggies + feta (66 cals)

3 slices of bacon (120 cals)

zero sugar vanilla greek yogurt w/ sliced almonds (72 cals)

small dunkin’ iced chai latte w/ skim milk (150 cals)

lunch

N/A (0 cals)

dinner

homemade chick-fil-a inspired southwest salad (372 cals)

12 oz can of diet coke (0 cals)

snack(s)

sugar free pink lemonade gum (10 cals)

water + sugar free drink mix (10 cals)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

total cal intake

805 cals 👍

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

daily stats

cw

201 lbs (91.2 kgs) [-0.00]

bmi

38

steps

1,749

hrs fasted

13 hrs

days binge free

4

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

june 3, 2023 | entry #10

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷 🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤

i’m weighing myself tomorrow. this is a thought that excites and equally terrifies me. mainly because tomorrow is the day where i’ll find out if i’m finally back in the 190s again. the losing and gaining game is one i’m sure most of us are familiar with, but it has been a plague for me especially. as someone who “started out” with a pretty high weight, losing the first few pounds should have been a breeze, and it was…to a certain extent.

my hw was a whopping 225 lbs. do you know what else weighs around 220 lbs? panda bears, seals, and baby elephants! I WAS ACTUALLY THE SIZE OF A GODDAMN BABY ELEPHANT!!! and although i’ve always said that if i ever had to be reincarnated as an animal i’d prefer to be an elephant, but i didn’t mean it literally. only recently has the size of that number truly registered in my brain. even now at 200 lbs i still can’t help but feel like an overweight ogre. i’m probably not even that far off with that assumption either—especially given the fact that Princess Fiona and i could probably fit into the same pair of jeans.

i just want the scale to show me the numbers i’ve been longing for. i can’t wait for the day when i’m 1 lb away from my ugw. where i step on the scale and finally see the number i’ve been chasing since i was practically a preteen. i can’t wait to look in the mirror and not see a body covered in fat, but instead now replaced with a toned stomach and visible hipbones. a body where the faintest stretch flashes my rib bones. a body with delicate arms and shrunken thighs. a body i won’t have to hide under layers of oversized tee shirts. a body where i can finally wear low rise jeans. a body that makes me feel worthy, and will make other people see my worth too. i want that body so badly. i need that body.

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷 🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤

food diary

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

N/A (0 cals)

dinner

flounder (134 cals)

buttered broccoli (235 cals)

half a loaded baked potato (252 cals)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

snack(s)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

pb&j sandwich (307 cals)

1/2 tbs of peanut butter (50 cals)

total cal intake

993 cals 👍

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷 🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤

daily stats

cw

201 lbs (91.2 kgs) [5/24/23]

bmi

38

steps

not tracked

hrs fasted

18

days binge free

2

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷 🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

june 2, 2023 | entry #9

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY! god it feels so good to say that. not only did i manage to complete 10k steps today (for the first time in literal months) but i even went over 10k steps and finished my day with a solid 11,040 steps total! i spent my afternoon at an amusement park today so i can mainly accredit this achievement to that, but a win is a win nonetheless! it honestly didn’t even feel that laboring?? there were times where we’d sit down for a few minutes to take a break and the occasional long line waiting where i would just stand still for an extended period of time, but even then i didn’t feel any real pain. this is a regular experience for most people with an active life i’m sure, but since i’m an overweight hobbit who spends 99% of her free time cooped up in her room hiding from the world this is a pretty big deal for me 😭

i even fasted to! …the reason why i even decided to do an extended fast in the first place was because i binged yesterday and it got bad. i inhaled close to 3k cals yesterday and immediately felt like shit. see i initially planned to do a 24hr fast yesterday because i had overate the day before, but little did i know that that overeating stint would have triggered a full blown binge the next day ☹️ all because my mom wanted me to pick up a pizza for her. of course she offered to get me one as well and i greedily accepted because i’m pathetic and food is my #1 weakness. it’s not my mom’s fault, i could have easily said no and she normally is really good about navigating my food addiction and acknowledges when i’m trying to exercise self control. she was just being nice, as we often do for each other, but i shouldn’t have taken her up on her offer. i should have let her place the order so i wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to pick something up for myself. i could have just walked in, grabbed her order, came home and gave it to her, and scurry back to my room to complete my fast far far away from food. but i didn’t. i walked in, grabbed our order, came home and gave her her pizza, scurried back to my room with my own pizza in tow, and inhaled it like i hadn’t eaten in a YEAR (it had only been 12 hrs since my last meal 👁️). granted it was only one of those personal pan sized pizzas, but it was still over, like, 900 cals!!! in one mini pizza that consisted of four miniature slices!!!!! it was delicious, but definitely not worth what ensued after. i ended up scarfing down a bucket of popcorn, two pb&j sandwiches, a serving of pepperoni slices, a few croutons, bacon bit salad toppings (wtf????), and finished the night off with a big ass plate of chicken nuggets and chick-fil- sauce…and that was only in the span of three hours! i went to sleep feeling heavier than a house made out of bricks.

⚠️ super gross tmi warning ⚠️ what makes it even worse is that i had taken like, three lax tablets and two stool softeners the night before. so not only was i shoveling shit down my throat, but i was simultaneously shoveling shit out of my ass too! (tmi i know 😳 i sincerely apologize that your eyes had to behold that monstrosity of a sentence) not to mention that it was one of the most excruciatingly painful lax experiences i’ve ever even had because i hadn’t taken a shit in damn near an entire week.

fast forward to today as i attempted to right my wrongs by fasting and feverishly walking around an amusement park for hours. the mission was completed…partially. what was supposed to be a 24hr fast ended up just being a 20hr fast after i came home and sat down for a few hours. i didn’t take my appetite suppressant today (did i mention that i take appetite suppressants???) since i figured i’d be out most of the day and i typically don’t get hungry when i’m busy/distracted, but my appetite returned with a vengeance soon after. the fast may not have been as long as i originally intended, but i’m still content nonetheless. the whole 10k steps achievement really softened the blow—not to mention that i broke my fast with a salad and a serving of broccoli too, so i feel pretty good about my decision overall tbh. small steps i suppose.

normal, healthy, and fully functioning human beings don’t have to worry about this kind of stuff, and i envy them. i wish this wasn’t my reality. i wish that i could have a normal, healthy relationship with food. i wish that i didn’t get excited about reaching 10k steps in a day, and that instead it would just be a normal everyday thing. i wish, i wish, i wish…i wish that genies were real 😪

———————————————————————

food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

N/A (0 cals)

dinner

homemade southwest salad (526 cals)

“loaded” broccoli (190 cals)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

snack(s)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

homemade iced matcha latte (120 cals)

two slices of artisan brioche bread (220 cals)

total cal intake

1,066 cals

———————————————————————

daily stats

cw

201 lbs (91.2 kgs) [5/24/23]

bmi

38

steps

11,040

hrs fasted

20

days binge free

1

mood

👣☺️💕🥗🥦

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

may 31, 2023 | entry #8

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

carbs are going to be death of me. literally and figuratively. i 🩷 carbs. if i could spend the rest of my life living off of chips, pastries, and potatoes, without the fear of my body mirroring the pudginess of the pillsbury doughboy, i would. carbs are my bestie. carbs are my comfort. but carbs are also my mortal 🔥enemy🔥. do you know how hard it is to combat a food addiction when sh*t like carbs exists?? very f*cking hard. it’s no secret that junk foods are genetically modified with a laundry list of different chemicals in order to make them so addictive (gotta love america), but my god does it have to be that addictive?!

so what’s my solution? to do what anyone else who’s trying to overcome a substance abuse addiction does—quit cold turkey. a decision that has only opened up yet another clusterf*ck of problems. it’s like i catapulted myself from one side of the #ed spectrum to the other. it worked for a while. my first ever “honeymoon phase”. it felt good to feel so in control of my binge urges for once. but the feelings of satisfaction and determination can only last but so long. that’s why it’s a phase. now i’m here, cursed for all of eternity and doomed to live the rest of my days in a binge/restrict limbo while simultaneously oversharing about it on the internet. can whoever’s in charge of my sim just trap me in a room with no door until i perish? it’ll be painful but at least i’ll go out skinny.

funny enough, do you know what prompted this entire tangent? popcorn. i really love popcorn. too much actually. so much so that i ended up eating over 600 cals worth of it in one sitting yesterday. and 420 cals worth of it today. THAT’S ENOUGH CALS FOR TWO MEALS!! will i ever be free from the clutches of carbs? find out next week on Confessions of a Junkorexic!

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

garlic butter rotini noodles + veggies (340 cals)

croutons (60 cals)

weird trust me i know—i just really wanted bread and these were a low cal substitute 😭

water w/ sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

dinner

loaded broccoli (248 cals)

flounder fillet w/ butter (112 cals)

water w/ sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

snack(s)

water with chlorophyll + sugar free drink mix(s) (8 cals)

peanut butter protein bar (160 cals)

popcorn (420 cals)

water w/ zero sugar drink mix (5 cals)

total cal intake

1,363 cals 👎

———————————————————————

daily stats

cw

201 lbs (91.2 kgs) [-0]

bmi

38

steps

not tracked

hrs fasted

12

days binge free

3

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

march 19, 2023 | entry #6

i binged…a lot. whydoikeepdoingthistomyself? after my last entry i ended up spiraling into a three day long binge cycle and i feel like shit :( i felt like an absolute failure thursday because i had a few extra bowls of cereal but little did i know that it would spiral into me consuming over 6k calories in the span of three f*cking days!

i have no idea what came over me this weekend but i’ve never felt as disgusted with myself than i do now. i’ve struggled with binging for as long as i can remember but this time just felt…different. friday night i stuffed my face with so much food i had to lie down because i felt so insanely nauseous and full. it was so bad that i literally felt like i could have puked it all up by just poking my stomach. in a typical binge i always eat to excess but this time around was on an entirely different level. i felt so out of control it was like some food demon had possessed me and i couldn’t stop myself even if i wanted to :/

disappointed isn’t even the word. i feel disgusting. no amount of exercise or lax dosages could even begin to repair the damage i feel i’ve done to my body. it would be different if it had just been one day where i slipped up. at least that way i’d be able to convince myself that i had just had a “metabolism day” that would only result in mini pity party rather than an entire depressive episode of self loathing. what makes it x10 worse is that today was supposed to be my weigh-in day. today was supposed to be the day that i finally got back down to the 190s :( now who knows how far i’ve set myself back…

i don’t want to be too drastic with my next decisions because i don’t want this cycle to continue, but i really do wish i could just fast for an entire week after all of this. i’m convinced that’s the only way i could even begin to redeem myself from all of this. maybe i could consider doing a three day fast? it’s still a bit drastic for me (especially coming off of such an intense binge) but i honestly feel like it’s the only way i can keep my sanity.

i hate that this is my life. i hate that i ever let things get this bad. i hate that i could have reached my ugw ages ago if i wasn’t such a slob. i hate that i’ll probably have to suffer with this for the rest of my life. no matter how much i restrict, no matter how much i try to eat “normally”, no matter how many carbs i cut out from my diet, no matter how many cheat days i let myself have, no matter how many times i try to trick my brain into just being normal…this shit will always linger over my head just waiting to make my life as miserable and insufferable as possible.

i still have hope though—hope that at least one day i’ll have made enough progress that slip ups like these won’t be so detrimental. as depressing as it sounds, i always fantasize about the days where i’m finally at my ugw and can eat whatever my heart desires—not consistently obviously (i’ll be damned if i ever let myself regain 100+ lbs ever again) but enough that i’ll still be able to feel a little normal. when i go out to eat i won’t have to spend hours before combing through the menu for foods that fit into my cal limit. i’ll be able to eat my favorite junk foods without feeling like fat cow immediately after. maybe i’ll even be able work towards actually having a semi-healthy relationship with food? wishful thinking.

idk…i’m just tired of this being my reality. i can’t wait to look back at all of this a year from now and laugh…all i have to do is put in the work…

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

march 14, 2023 | entry #3

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

in a pitiful attempt to make my daily logs seem a little less depressing, i’ve decided to give my “blogs” a fun name…now introducing Confessions of a Junkorexic (so original i know) i feel like it’s just so me—what can i say? my philosophy has always been “if i’m gonna starve myself i at least deserve to actually enjoy the food that i do eat” i simply cannot help that i’m a true #foodaddict at heart :’-(

kinda sorta forgot to log yesterday but i’m not sweating since nothing worth documenting happened anyways—i did however start a seven day jump rope challenge! after learning that jump roping is a surefire way to burn fat i immediately went to Amazon and impulsively bought a new jump rope 😭 and to ensure that my impulse buy wouldn’t go to waste i scoured the internet for any fun challenges and came across this seven day challenge where you do 1k jumps a day and add 100 jumps everyday (ex. day 1 = 1,000 jumps, day 2 = 1,100 jumps, day 3 = 1,200 jumps, etc…) hopefully this mini challenge will act as a kickstarter for me to finally start finding the energy to get my lazy ass up and start exercising again sooooo fingers crossed i can actually keep this up for the full seven days 🤞🏾

today was a liquid fast day so my intake was relatively low (thank god)—i’m currently on day 14 of the Get Worse Diet and i’m honestly shocked i’ve managed to stay consistent this long—granted the earlier days have the highest intake maxes so of course they’d be significantly easier to achieve compared to the 350 cals and less days coming up soon, but i digress, i can give myself credit where credit is due *pats self on the back*—i’m finding that it has been a lot easier to keep my intake low when i’m liquid fasting vs when i water fast or just restrict in general (so far at least)—tomorrow i’m scheduled to do a water fast but honestly i think it would be in my best interest to just keep the liquid fast going for one more day—i’d rather bend the rules a little than set myself up for a potential binge :/

my food log app says that if i keep up the pattern i’ve had for the last few weeks i’m almost guaranteed to reach my ugw by christmas! reaching my ugw would hands down be the best christmas gift i’ve ever received in my life!!!

praying that the ana gods bless me 🙏🏾

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

fast (0 cals)

lunch

fast (0 cals)

dinner

vanilla protein shake (160 cals)

snack(s)

fiber gummies (30 cals)

vanilla protein shake (160 cals)

12 oz diet coke (0 cals)

2 sugar free popsicles (30 cals)

total cal intake

380 cals 👍

———————————————————————

daily stats log

cw

202 lbs (92 kgs)

bmi

38.1

steps

2,617

hours fasted

16

days binge free

4

[dietcokedemise]

confessions of a junkorexic

june 4, 2023 | entry #11

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

i weighed myself today…and i maintained. i’m not super peeved by the results—and i guess anything’s better than gaining—but i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t a little disappointed. i have no one to blame but myself. my intake this week wasn’t horrible, but it definitely could have been better…

i’m sure my almost 3k cal binge thursday didn’t help. what super sucks is that i took two separate lax dosages this week (one b4 the binge and one after) yet my weight didn’t even move a singular decimal. now that i’m thinking about it…maybe my binge episode made me gain? and if that’s the case it looks laxes saved my ass once again.

i have to start being stricter with myself if i want to start seeing any real results. i think i’m gonna start weighing myself every morning again. i only stopped because i didn’t want to become so fixated on the numbers the scale read, but i’ve realized that that’s a luxury only reserved for people who aren’t walking beluga whales. i need my weight to be a constant reminder. i need that trigger to help me fast a little longer and eat a little less. it’s all a mind game, and i’m tired of not feeling in control of my own impulses.

i did experience a twinkle of hope today though. i fasted for 22 hrs and didn’t even notice it! (thank you appetite suppressant pills 😘) i stood with my fridge wide open for a solid 10 minutes just staring at its contents while trying to convince myself to eat. countless meal ideas filtered through my brain but i just kept swatting them all away. “too high cal”…“too carb heavy”…“too much work to make”…etc etc etc. i eventually just settled on a leftover piece of fish from my dinner last night and half of a baked potato—if i’m being honest? it was the smallest meal i’ve had in months—but it didn’t phase me. not one bit. for once i was content. a feeling i’ve long since forgotten while trapped in my never ending binge/restrict cycle. granted, i did devour an entire pint of low cal ice cream an hour later (don’t judge me it’s shark week 🩸) BUT that still made my daily intake for today the lowest intake i’ve had in weeks. it felt good to feel in control. even if it was just for a moment 🩷

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

food log

breakfast

N/A (0 cals)

lunch

N/A (0 cals)

dinner

flounder (103 cals)

1/2 of a loaded baked potato (228 cals)

water + sugar free drink mix (10 cals)

snack(s)

water + sugar free drink mix (5 cals)

1 pint of n!cks chokladchip dough ice cream (340 cals)

total cal intake

686 cals 👍

🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️🩷☠️🖤☠️

daily stats log

cw

201 lbs (91.2 kgs) [-0]

bmi

38

steps

1,364

hrs fasted

22

days binge free

3