#could help tht i actually have friends to talk to abt it now and that i watch s1 like relegiously. constant stream of GOD i fucking love ray

[goldiipond]

dont know wjat im gonna do when tpn fixation fades. im nothing without my specialest little guy ray my friend ray tpn

[sapphicflower-ao3]

this is gonna be a RANT; im devastated by your fic "in your dreams, nerd" rn. so a while back in high school i was in marching band and i had a friend who i made to be my co-section leader. we met through marching band, and i'm his senior by two years. we got really close because of band, despite him being a little mean to me sometimes.

anyways, i had been with a different person at tht time right (they were my first love; wasn't really the ideal relationship, was quite toxic actually).

when i was still with that person, i used to have consistent, amazingly realistic dreams about my co-section leader. it would all feel real; i would feel the way his arms would encircle around my waist. i would always wake up feeling conflicted

although i think i was in love with my (now ex) partner, i think i might have been in love with my co-section leader this whole time. this whole time i've literally just pushed the feelings away like ehh he's just a really good friend

but i genuinely cannot forget all of the times we've been the bestest of friends, and incredibly, TERRIBLY tender with each other. one time we sat knee to knee in the stands during an out-of-home competition and we shared a blanket and when i wanted to put vaseline on my face he did it for me; and that was the same competition where i asked for comfort and he knew exactly what to do

the time where the band was at disney and i helped him pick out a shirt; held it to his chest to see if it looked good, and it was just so DOMESTIC. and then because we fell out AT disney our friendship was never the same. but we made up months later and honestly our friendship breakup hurt WAY more than my breakup with my ex partner

the way we used to text all the time, send eachother memes, it wouldn't be the same if he wasn't there; i often wondered if he wondered about my absence too. i miss his friendship very much way more than the idea of even being romantically involved

there are so many other things i could say and i wish i could tell him how i felt but we literally never talk. it's been a really long time since we've had a proper conversation, how exactly do you tell someone you're barely friends with now that you love them?? i considered getting really inebriated to tell him so he can reject me, but idk it feels so stupid and i feel stupid and ugh

it feels like there will never be an opportunity for that kind of thing again tbh

oh that def sounds like a story of the one that got away!!! 🥺 and also sounds like such a devastating and heartbreaking experience, idk how you managed to get through that alive…

but uhhh i really am the worst person to give advice on anything given my lack of experience ;—;

i will say though that sometimes there’s ppl who we wish we could revive back into our lives, but we just can’t go back to the past. sometimes the only option is to forego closure and just move on.

but other times it’s possible to reconnect again. idk which of those categories you guys would fall in, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to reach out and see how they’re doing? with a relationship so complex and close like that, maybe they even feel similarly abt you

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[bylertruther]

If I am guessing your cryptic question right, stonathan or steddie? Which one do I prefer? See more chemistry in? Is that it?

I saw more chemistry between Steddie honestly. Maybe because Eddie was openly flirty and Steve was flustered most of the time around him.

Stonathan - I don't see the chemistry that much because Jon did beat him up for insulting his family and him. Even though Steve came to apologise, it was more like a formality rather than a stepping stone to friendship. They could have been friends, but they didn't. For Jon, Steve is an immature idiot that he fought one time.

I have read one Stonathan fic and I couldn't see the chemistry there. It was a nice fic, but the chemistry was missing, I felt. But the Steddie fics have chemistry.

Jon honestly has more chemistry with Argyle than Steve.

I would love to hear your thoughts, Denise.

mmmmmm my lawyer told me to tell you tht i can neither confirm nor deny these assumptions but tht i Can reply to u otherwise <3 so hiii, anon 👋

that's fair. s1 jonathan and steve are works in progress for sure and then they drift apart again as their connections to nancy change. i do think that jancy's talk at the end can be interpreted as a hint that they'll interact again though, allowing jonathan to see firsthand what nancy meant, so maaaaaybe smth of some sort will happen there? who knows lol.

but! i do think that the apology was more than a formality. steve was really intent on going over there and making things right, he really felt like he'd fucked up and he wasn't expecting nancy to be there. he went for jonathan and really wanted to make things right with him. there was a desperate kind of sincerity there i felt in joe's portrayal. and then he seemed really pleased when jonathan received his gift later on! so, like. yk. i think jonathan's the one holding more resentment / preconceived notions than steve rn, which is understandable considering he doesn't know him like that, and why i think they planted tht seed i mentioned at the end there. there could still be more to them and i think there likely is!

tbh though i feel like i'd need more scenes with them to be able to say anything abt their chemistry on-screen. i get more ✨⚡️ from steve for those reasons tht i mentioned than i do jonathan rn. jonathan has had his defenses up too high n been too cold thus far, n charlie really sells tht n jon's trust issues lol. maybe it'll change in s5, maybe it won't.

as for steddie... i feel like you can say some of the same things? they became kind of friends towards the end there because eddie went to go save him and they had that little bonding moment where eddie opened up to him and got in his good graces. also... i feel like eddie's actions can be taken that way, but he's also a touchy-feely invades-your-personal-space kind of dude with other characters too. and i didn't really feel any electricity or interest there from steve's side, kind of the opposite of the stonathan situation. like joe wasn't leaning into what people believe joseph was.

it felt like interactions between a heroic jock who aggravatingly really is more than what people say and a freak who's had to puff his chest up n act tougher than he really is to survive, and how they navigate that as young men. like actually tough vs pretends to be. and there's a a kind of sheepishness on eddie's side where the freak who talks abt how others are so quick to judge n be hostile is now being saved n helped n treated well by someone tht he did all of tht to, this kind of ... ingratiating n dare i say submissive mannerisms tht i think ppl read as just flirting.

and then steve's mostly just there, taking this in and occupying the same space as him, more focused on the others, but still wanting to be nice n give his thanks bc he's just that guy n does it with everyone. he's chuffed tht eddie's blowing smoke up his ass, but i don't view him as being bewitched. when did you find steve to be flustered? i'd like to go back and watch, maybe i'll see it this time :)

jargyle my beloved 💚 i think it helps tht argyle is jonathan's friend, so there's naturally going to be this easygoing flow between them tht wouldn't be present in his scenes with steve. i think they play off each other wonderfully, but.. hm. idk. there's chemistry yes bc they definitely sell that safe harbor you're my only friend ride or die kind of relationship, but it's not like ... tht Charged kind of chemistry, if tht makes sense?

thank u for answering :)

[wrdn-tabris]

hi! i just found about your blog and about your oc, nico, and i am obsessed already :D! could you tell me more about nico, and what his relationship with jason is like?

WAH THANK YOU sorry for the late response, i was working all day and then i took a nap fdjsl

NICO IS MY SWEET BABY he was a weird little kid who grew up to become a weird adult. he and jason were childhood friends who were both very small kids, tho jason was a little bigger than nico, so he tried to look out for them.

they ended up separated when jason ended up homeless after his mother passed, and during that time nico started coming into his sort of natural 'magic' in a sense.

his family is apart of a magic cult and bc of their connection with that hes got sort of a spooky connection to the afterlife, so it started when he was younger by hearing things, sort of seeing things, and seeing visions in mirrors of people who were going to die (he saw jasons death before it happened! actually! or an apparition of his dead body), usually violently OR near him. this understandably caused him a lot of stress.

i think his mother who really had no idea about the cult stuff:tm: tried to get him help. nico was medicated for a while, tho im not sure if it helped or not. he just learned to sort of stop talking about what he was seeing and hearing, kept his head down.

nicos very much a quiet and friendly person. hes sort of shy, not used to people, but enjoys talking about his interests. before he 'died' he really enjoyed like. exploring abandoned places and walking in the woods and things like tht, nico likes to write and play video games and is a horrible cook. aside from his total anxiety about going outside sometimes hes a v happy person!

and so him and jason! they meet again sometime after utrh maybe in ocverse sandbox haha, get to know each other again. jason has no idea who nico is at first bc he remembers a weird little girl who went by a different name and not who nico is now, but hes privately excited to get to know them again. and also to have someone whose totally separate from the whole vigilante thing

they got a good amount of trust with each other for a while, until nico DOES find out abt the vigilante thing and gets a wee bit upset. he doesnt tlk to jason for a while UNTIL the cult finally needs him for their whole ritualistic summoning of their demon god and asks jason for help. and he tries. jason tries really really hard, but with him trying to keep nico safe from cult stuff + batman whose investigating this new group in his city, the chips r kinda stacked against him. nico sees a vision of jason dead again, and he cant kill his friend, so he ends up slipping out n contacting his father and ends up sacrificed and killed.

he comes back! spends like 4 months trying to get back to gotham and sometime after coming back and learning tht he is like. perma possessed and stuff, he n jason end up dating n nico starts learning how to use his own magic and etc

he and jason r very sweet. jasons a lil protective over him, and vice versa with nico, whose a lil paranoid and wants to make sure his loved ones are safe constantly. he doesnt sleep much, because the demon gives him bad dreams, so he stays up until jason comes home from patrol. theyre just very sickeningly cute.

and id be remiss if i didnt mention my friend kits oc keeva, whose nicos cousin, or my friend romans oc isaac, who nico is also dating. ot3 polycule baby.

[naturenaruto]

so got an idea from this amazing art by @banana-banshee

✨a jutjutsu kaisen regular kids!au✨

-where curses dont exist and yuji stays in regular highschool and goes to his weekly supernatural club (the friends are okk!!!! they play mock-up curse games like d&d)

-grandpa lives 😌 and continues to raise and help yuji. he still has health probs but yuji chills w him in the hospital and reads/writes manga(he wants to be a writer one day🤗)

-gojo, utahime, nanami etc are all teachers, yoshinobu is the principle, shoko is the nurse, masamichi is the gym teacher😂

-gojo is blind, he dyes his hair white for the lulz, and is the students fav teacher / a jokester, his class is an gaurenteed A as long as you dont tell on him to the principle for all the nonconstructive class trips (strange little excursions throughout the hallways, games in the sports fields, scavenger hunts throughout the school etc)

-nanami went into teaching bc he wanted to help (altho if you asked him he'd just say he just wanted the job security🙄 but he left bc Reasons (hint: a certain fellow teacher may possibly have somethingeverything to do w it) and got a soulless corporate job but missed....the kids👀👀 so he took the pay cut and came back

-megumi and nobara are transfer students. megumi just wants to get away from his family (and the private academy he had been goin to) nobara keeps getting kicked out of schools for fighting/anger issues

-shes encouraged to join the baseball team and meets team captain maki (who has just as many if not more Issues™️ than her)(theyre besties now<3)

-megumi is Severly Depressed and antisocial™️ (his sister is in a coma and he meets a pink haired kid there in the hospital hallway one day whos visiting his grandpa) > pink hair kid™️ makes an Impression > megumi feels goodweird for the first time in Years > phk™️ mentions his public hs he goes to (megumi almost stumbled onto him bc he was zoning out while stirring coffee he had no intention of drinking and the phk™️ was laying haphazardly in the hallway reading some Weird Manga) > megumi decides hes had Enough w his private academy and their soulless elitism and decides to transfer to public school for phk™️ his /health/

-reality of the differences hit him hard tho (ppl actually Daring to talk to him bc the name Zenin™️ holds no meaning here)(him having to choose between responding or looking like a smug asshole)(not being able to use the family name to get out of the work(hes not lazy hes depressed™️)(not knowing how to deal w everyone being interested in him but not bc of his family???? they actually??want to get to know???[him]?)(constantly not knowing if the friendly smiles are real or not)(it gets to be Too Much)(and he almost drops out but a goofy (and vaguely familiar) teacher (where has he seen that white hair before?) manages to convince him to keep trying and invites him to join the club he leads (its an supernatural club)(phk™️ is there)(his prestigious family™️ would never approve of him bein friends w someone w pink hair)(pink hair is Not Classy)(supernatural fiction is childrens fantasy)(he should be in chess or fencing club or some shit)(but this is his choice)(he grins as he walks out of his first meeting)

-todo and choso are upperclassmen + bros w yuji😌 todo tells him abt the baseball team (its co-ed) and he befriends nobara and maki

-megumi would rather sulk in the stands than join a sport™️ but he takes up art and Draws His Feelings (Randomly And Completely Unsupported By Any Evidence Whatsoever his drawings start to turn into panels of a manga👀)

-miwa and momo are galpals (girlfriends,,,,,,theyre girlfriends) and also cheerleaders until nobara shows up and tells them they could use more girls on the ball team

-naoya is the school bully

-innumaki is mostly nonverbal (yuji pulls him into The Friend Group and they all learn to translate the few words he does say)(no one had ever bothered to Try before)(girl kelp😭)

-sukuna is the name yuji gives the voice of his intrusive thoughts; hes getting better at ignoring him(((sometimes)))

-panda is human! its just a nickname bc he wears a panda costume as the school mascot (he wears it around school even when theres not a game tht day🐼)

-kokichi is disabled, uses a wheelchair, is the the club w the others, is a gamer™️ (his username is mechamaru)

-junpei (junpeiiiii😢😭) is bullied alot but one time yuji and megumi See It and Stop It and now theyre all friends uwuwuwuu😭😩😭

-mahito is a creep who crepps around the school with his followers tryin to manipulate and trick students into like his cult or w/e idk i havent figured it out yet (once nanami finds out tho....)

-hanami is one of those extreme environment advocate preachers lol

ahhhhh😅just the basics for somethng i might get to at some point and expand on these bc i rly love regularppl!aus so yeah😬

[xcherry-popx]

if its not too weird to ask, could you write some posts abt rad + asd (either one or both/abt comorbidity)? cuz i wanna find more info abt them & i saw stuff saying asd/rad cmrbidity was impossible too & think i may have both. i have zero access to mental health help atm and will for a pretty long time so im just doing what i can as i wait, document my symptoms and stuff and try to cope, for now. (btw im saying this 2 clarify tht im not trying to be invasive or out of curiosty. sry its so long)

It's no problem! Honestly, I'm excited to hear about someone like me, with how uncommon it is. No need to worry about it being long, because my answer ended up long as well ^-^;;

I wrote this quicker than I expected, so please forgive any mistakes, and feel free to ask for clarification. 

I’m mostly going to use the term ‘RAD’ (reactive attachment disorder), but a lot of this information applies to DAD (disinhibited attachment disorder) as well. I was diagnosed when they were still grouped together as RAD.

If any information does not apply to both, I’ll specify the differences between them.

First off: there is no reason autism and RAD can’t be comorbid. Now, most psychologist insist that they cannot exist together, but this is outdated. Unfortunatly, because RAD is so uncommon, very little discussion occurs, and thus any progress in understanding the disorder takes a bit of time.

Fortunately, some discussion has begun. This study is one from 2017. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27895198/

As of now, it’s the only scholarly discussion, but hopefully that will change in time.

Essentially, autism is something you’re born with, while Reactive Attachment Disorder is the result of severe neglect or mistreatment.

The study found that several children diagnosed with RAD met the criteria for autism. The difference in children with autism and RAD vs children with only RAD can be distinguished by focusing on traits specific to autism.

That’s actually how I first suspected I had both: I looked through several diagnosis lists and checked whether I had symptoms exclusive to each list.

One of the current diagnostic criteria for RAD  and DAD is that the child cannot also be diagnosed with autism. This is because RAD, and later, DAD, were often used to explain ‘autistic-like behavior’ in children who either did not show signs of autism early on, or who experienced severe mistreatment.

The main reason this is outdated is because it relies on the belief that autistic individuals do not form attachments to caregivers, which many autistic people will tell you is false. That all relates back to the idea that because autistic people show affection differently, they do not feel it the way allistic people do, which is, again, false.

It’s often difficult to get an RAD diagnosis, much less one along with an autism diagnosis. However, it’s not impossible, although for me it involved two different diagnosises that my grandma and I realized made most sense together.

Under the cut, I’m going to talk more generally about RAD and DAD as well as about my experiences.

 You said you don't have much access to mental health help, but I felt I should include this next segment anyways. 

Attachment therapy, one of the most well-known treatments, is harmful. I would suggest avoiding it. It goes against attachment theory, the basis of RAD. I don’t say this to scare you, but it is coercive and has resulted in death in some cases. You can look into it yourself, but it is rather sickening for me, so please take care if you do so.

While most advice involves making sure the child has an emotionally available ‘attachment figure’, usually a caretaker, that assumes you would want someone to connect to that way.

As someone with inhibited type RAD, I always struggled when people asked if I wanted to be closer to my grandma. To me, we were like strangers, maybe coworkers. I didn't want to open up to her, and so I still don’t.

I believe that, while it’s nice to have a friendly relationship with caretakers, it’s not necessary. For me, it’s always been more important to have friends I can open up to.

Don’t feel pressured to form an emotionally intimate relationship if you don’t want to or feel ready for it. I still don’t think I’m close to my grandma, but we feel like acquaintances now, and that’s enough for me. You don’t have to force a relationship, but don’t be afraid if you want to start one.

Of course, you may have different experiences, or be in a different place with your caretakers, but since I've struggled with that aspect I wanted to talk about it.

Most treatment for RAD is under the assumption that the child is young, which I assume you are not. In general, I suggest finding people you can trust, if you don’t have them already. I don’t want to make too many assumptions here, so if you want more specific advice feel free to ask me.

While RAD is the result of mistreatment such as abuse or neglect, it’s rare even among those who have experienced such things. There’s some debate on why it occurs, and I believe many theories suggest disposition can make one susceptible? But I’m not entirely certain on that front. Also, I’d like to clarify one thing. While most criteria says the mistreatment must begun before age five, it’s not necessary. What happened to me was when I was 11, and it changed me enough that I gained a official diagnosis of RAD a few years later. What matters is how it affected you, not when it occurred.

Now, I’ve mentioned there’s a difference between RAD and DAD, but I haven’t specified what it is. I'll explain that, but to do so I need to talk about how they form.

The basis of RAD and DAD is what’s called attachment theory. This states that young children need strong bond with at least one caregiver to develop. The bonds with their caregivers dictate how their attachment style forms. However, RAD and DAD have their own types of attachment, referred to as inhibited attachment and disinhibited attachment.

They used to both be classified as RAD, separated under the categories ‘inhibited type’ and ‘disinhibited type’.

Many people with inhibited or disinhibited type will show signs of both, but can usually be classified as one or the other. I am inhibited type, but when I was younger I showed signs of disinhibited type in places such as school.

Inhibited attachment is what’s known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. It’s more common in mistreated children. This type is when a child avoids or ignores caregivers, often not showing affection unless convinced to.

Disinhibted attachment is what’s now known as Disinhibited Attachment Disorder. This is more common in children in institutions or group homes. This type shows affection to any and all adults. They are quick to trust strangers. When my grandma worked in foster care, she had some children who, after less than a day of meeting her, would cling to her leg and beg her to take them home.

In this case, inhibited types struggle to form attachments, while disinhibited types will form attachments quickly and easily, with no preference towards their caregivers.

I think that’s all for official information, so I'll talk a bit about my experiences with RAD.

Honestly, it’s isolating. It’s often seen as something that happens to children, and no one talked about adults with it. There’s numerous psychologists who’ll misdiagnose it in foster teens for not showing affection to adoptive parents ‘the way theyʻre supposed to’. Many people treat people with RAD or DAD as ‘psychopaths’, and there’s numerous times I’ve seen it listed as ‘terrifying’, even among the social workers that meet kids with it.

It's discouraging. But I want to tell you that you aren’t alone. I’d be happy to talk to you about your experiences, and share my own. I have hope that people will begin to recognize this disorder despite how uncommon it is, and see it for what it is.

In any case, I hope you are able to find the diagnosis you need, even if it doesn’t turn out to be this one. I wish you the best of luck!

[kissthebooboo]

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

henloo !! i am officially back c:

i wnna say a few things in this post but first !! 🌈 HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!🏳️‍🌈 for those of u tht don’t know, i am pan/bi (i don’t rlly label myself but thts the closest it gets) n the lgbtqia+ community has been a safe haven for me since i was a kid, so i am forevr grateful to all the ppl in my community who hav helped me accept myself fully !!

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

now onto the other stuff ..

✅ update: i got a job at a restaurant n work 2 days (bcs tht place is rlly emotionally draining ://), i also work as a babysitter !! i take care of my nephew one day out of the week, but i think tht’s all it took to help me get back into little space, which i’m so happy abt !!

(i take good care of my nephew, for anybody that’s wondering/worried)

〰️ i also get the house to myself more often these days, which is good for me bcs i am able to go into little space without having to worry abt my family judging me. it’s lots of fun to b little at home with my doggo by my side, but it gets pretty lonely sometimes .. so i will b looking for more little friends from now on !!

〰️ last thing i wnna talk abt is this account .. i’ve made many posts asking ppl who are dd*g/nsfw/18+ to NOT FOLLOW ME, LIKE, OR RB ANY POSTS FROM ME, yet there are still many ppl tht do all tht either way. i can’t keep track of evry person tht goes against my dni, but i rlly wnna get rid of them .. i just dunno how :// if anybody could help me with tht or give me some advice on how to cope, i’d rlly appreciate it! (if ur main blog has any nsfw content but u follow me for an agere sideblog, just dm me the username for your sideblog so i can know)

🌈❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🏳️‍🌈

if you got to the end (& actually read everything) thank u so much !!

if you want a new little friend, feel free to msg me !!

I LOVE U ALL & I HOPE U STAY SAFE & TAKE CARE 🐰💞⭐️🧃🎀🧸

[smalltragedy]

* herman tommeraas, cis man + he/him | you know donovan mercer, right? they’re twenty one, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, four months? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to ice boy by corbin like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole fear hidden behind a stoic stare, bleeding from your nose and from your gums, and the night sky with all its stars, with all its mystery and unknown thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is march 15th, so they’re a pisces, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

looks away as i finally post his intro after being kinda awol fr however long. i love him a lot n hes also bri’s character mercy’s younger brother so u hv to be nice to him. think abt mercy’s life. then think abt ducky. im sry in advance tht his intro’s a little longer ive hd ducky fr like. a year or two n i’ve been playing him a While <3 as always like this if u’d like 2 plot n i’ll try 2 msg u bck bt otherwise im gna just hop right into threads bc obv i need to. change my methods.

ABUSE, VIOLENCE, DRUG ABUSE, EYE INJURY, GANG MENTIONS TW.

mini playlist.

father ;; the front bottoms / ice boy ;; corbin / lose yourself ;; eminem / my own worst enemy ;; lit / say it ain’t so ;; weezer / maps ;; yeah yeah yeahs / star stopping ;; lil peep / benz truck ;; lil peep / trauma ;; nf / northern downpour ;; panic! at the disco / your graduation ;; modern baseball.

statistics.

full name: donovan mercer.

nickname(s): ducky.

birthday: march 15th, 1999.

zodiac: pisces sun, aquarius moon, aquarius ascending.

mbti & temperament: intp & theorist / phlegmatic.

label: the despondent.

hometown: hell’s kitchen, new york.

sexuality: bisexual (bt not out). 

pinterest.

biography.

born in hell’s kitchen to vinny mercer and a mother who ran out of the hospital as fast as she could, as soon as she was able. she’d gone so quick that she’d never given ducky a middle name - just donovan. the younger brother of mercy (shoutout 2 bri)

his father’s the right-hand man of a well known mob boss named lars amaretto, and so, you can imagine the kind of environment ducky (& mercy) grew up in. weapon & drug dealings, interrogations, violence around every corner. a brutal way of living, no place to raise two children.

implied abuse tw // their father was not kind, or merciful - and ducky was a runt compared to mercy, small and sensitive and kinder than his brother. weak, and filled with softness, with big brown eyes and a smile that should’ve been able to melt ice - but it didn’t. and it never did.

he cried often, and was punished often for it until he learned to stop crying - at least in front of their father, and mercy too, at some point. only in the comfort of his room, with doors locked and blinds drawn closed. implied abuse end of tw

he dreamed, too, dreamt often. he’d been obsessed with outer space since childhood, as long as he could remember. school had once shown man landing on the moon, and ducky wanted that. wanted to be that, wanted to be there, up with the stars, discovering the unthinkable.

abuse mention // but it was discouraged, heavily so - projects destroyed by an angry fist only to be reconstructed to the best of ducky’s ability, with mercy’s help, all throughout the night. he’d saved up for a telescope when he was thirteen, but it’d been destroyed almost immediately when discovered. not a day went by that their father didn’t tell ducky that he was, first and foremost, stupid - and would always be. end of abuse mention

to the point where he stopped trying, simply. he never graduated high school.

abuse mention // anxiety mention // anyways … at the age of fifteen, he’d have enough. he was sick of the abuse, the pain - the crying behind closed doors, the sneaking around, the constant feeling of needing to escape, impending doom, anxiety attacks in the shower and in school bathrooms and at the back of the bus where nobody sat besides him because he was - that boy, the son of that man, the brother of that brute. he’d been a teenager and he’d already been an outcast by all means - an outcast in his family, no matter how hard he tried to appease vinny, and an outsider everywhere else.

the plan took months of preparation, paper ripped out from the back of his school notebook and stuffed beneath his mattress, details of his escape from a checklist of essential items to makeshift maps of bus routes to different cities.

all for nothing, the moment vinny discovered it, the edge of a map sticking out after a rushed morning.

heavy abuse tw // violence tw // it’d been the same day he’d gotten the nickname - ducky - the way the wound wrapped below his mouth, and the way it’d begun to heal - puckered, at first, like a duck’s bill. a better name than eyepatch, at the very least. the scar’d run from the arch of his left brow, across his eye, down his cheek, and below his lip. his eye sustained injury, and not allowed to see a doctor about it, it never healed properly.

eye injury // corneal scarring, impairing his left eye. astronaut dreams destroyed, but not in a matter of seconds. in the matter of an hour, maybe more - and that’d been much, much worse. 

he stopped trying to run away after that. tried to be more like their father, more like mercy - more brutish, less feeling. spoke less, and less. spoke hardly at all, unless spoken to first.

still didn’t matter. still lived his days in fear, still knew it’d never change. nothing would ever change.

the mercer brothers have been floating around the north carolina scene for ~5ish years now, trailing after their father who is consistently chasing after their mother with no luck. they’re currently residing in palm motel. can we get a hell yeah?

personality & facts.

he’s actually very? intimidating? when you first meet him. mercy’s younger brother, with a criminal’s record almost as long as his - a scarred face and a mean resting face. it takes at least five minutes of conversation beyond small talk before it starts to weigh on your mind that maybe, he’s not as bad as he seems.

and - well, he isn’t. but he’s guarded - so guarded. more-so than mercy, because mercy’s quicker to anger, quicker to react, and ducky tries so hard to drown out the noise. but he’s not a robot, and his facial expressions can give him away in a second.

he’s seen what happened when mercy had a glimpse of something good in his life (though, it wasn’t actually good at all - mercy had someone, at least. at the very least) - and how quickly it’d all fallen, and so ducky puts a barrier between him and others. distant, as much as he can be.

it hurts, because ducky isn’t by any means antisocial. he doesn’t hate people - he wants to be normal, wants to have friends and a girlfriend - or maybe even a boyfriend, god - but he’s so afraid. ducky is, by nature, a very scared person. terrified to his very core. he knows there is always eyes on him, and mercy too, and he knows that nothing is worth getting someone else hurt.

you know him as mercy’s little brother, and he’s quiet you know that - but his name is ducky, and you think - he’s not too bad. and he knows this, knows the doubts. knows that it’ll get back to mercy, eventually, that his brother is nothing more but a pussy. so he fights more than he’d like to, against the guilt that buries itself deep within his chest with every thrown fist. he throws up, afterwards, in the garbage can outside. too much to drink, he says, rare grin - because grins are convincing, and grins with bleeding gums are intimidating. he learned that from his brother.

violence makes him sick to his very stomach. he can’t watch horror films, or even action films, without feeling queasy. there’s been more times than he can count where he’d thrown up after a fight, or after an interrogation, usually in private but in the occasional presence of mercy.

they fight, a lot, sometimes - ducky’s too soft, too weak, and it’s bad and it’s terrible and ducky knows that mercy’s afraid. for him, of their father, and his wraith. ducky knows that if mercy isn’t hard on him now, their father will be on him harder. still. there’s resentment, small but there, like the flame of a match. he doesn’t know what’ll happen when there’s nothing more to burn, but he doesn’t want to find out. he’s afraid to find out.

he’s still in love with the moon and the stars, and the planet’s - and their moons, too. its subdued, now, though. a silent passion - one that is often not watered, left for rot. he sneaks into engineering lectures at the community college, occasionally, or physics, or whatever peeks the small curiosity inside of him.

commits small acts of kindness when nobody looks. doors held open, the meals of elderly folk eating alone suddenly paid. picks up litter besides trash bins, and always cooks extra than what he needs and leaves the rest for mercy. it’s these small things that make him feel, just the slightest, better about himself.

because god - there are layers and layers of self-loathing. it’s a labyrinth, and he’d never speak of it - but he can’t stand his own reflection. doesn’t keep photos of his family, only a few sparingly of mercy.

a liar, sad to say. has little experience with. ehem. intimacy, and the bodies of others, but lies often and says that he does. mostly to his brother, but word travels quick - and he’s not nearly as much as a fuckboy as is rumored, having only been with a handful of girls, if even that. it’s better this way - if people know that he throws others away like they’re nothing.

he ghosts often, too, if he does get to talking with anybody. the moment ducky feels a spark, something pulling at his poor heart, he ghosts. he develops feelings too easily, too often than he’d like. has left many friendships without explanation, because of this. you know the priest in fleabag season 2? the scene where he comes to fleabag’s house? yeah. tht’s ducky!

has maybe half the amount of clients that mercy does, but he’s working on it.

pretends he doesn’t care as much as he does. pretends a lot, like there’s nothing soft to him. but a trained eye can see clearly through this. even so - even if you can see that there’s more to ducky than violence and drug deals - you’d still have to break through a dozen walls.

in the rare occasion you get him talking - i mean, talking a lot - he’ll talk about space. ramble off a dozen useless facts about dwarf stars and black holes and all of jupiter’s moons. about a video game he likes, about nothing and everything at all. but as soon as he begins, he stops - embarrassed. apologizes, shuts his mouth, disappears to wherever. anywhere but there.

drug abuse // has a. complicated relationship with benzos n xanax n a various assortment of painkillers. ironic bc he hates drugs due to. his chosen career n wldnt do most of what they sell, bt yknow. this ws inevitable. hates beer bt forces himself 2 drink it bc toxic masculinity probably man idk.

overall just … he’s a soft boy, with a big heart - bigger than anybody else in his family, that’s for sure, but his exterior is far different than that, and it’s hard to tell.

violence mention // purposely loses fights so that he doesn’t have to severely hurt someone. because sometimes he just - he was raised in a violent environment, and sometimes he snaps. sometimes ducky just fucking snaps. and his vision goes red, and he can’t control himself - because need to survive kicks in, and violence is all he knows. if someone pushes ducky - pushes him enough, he breaks. he fights back. it’s all he knows. it’s all he knows. it’s all he knows, and that’s not an excuse - and he knows this, and god, he’s so tired. he is so. tired.

wanted plots.

u look good tonight ... ;; wld love a connection in which he is feeling emotionally compromised n maybe kinda hs a thing w someone bt hes like. very unreliable n kinda ghosting bc he is very afraid n it wld b maybe bad fr them to b anything other than hook ups. cld apply to smth very intensive or smth very surface lvl i’ll take thousands.

palms sweaty ... moms spaghetti ... ;; ppl tht ducky just hs fkn brawled. cld b anybody fr any reason. ducky prob lost n he prob lost on purpose bt also ur muse cld maybe kick ducky’s ass? cld b a fake fight cld b a real fight. cld b a npc fight n then ur muse cn patch up ducky? possibilities endless. maybe they hv a nice spaghetti dinner n both of them r both bruised up frm their fight. sometimes fights end in spaghetti dinners. thanks eminnem or whatever.

own worse enemy... ;; ducky needs friends bt hes bad at making friends n sometimes he fks shit up by pushing ppl away n self sabotaging n being a major cunt n sometimes he just ghosts bt hes always very remorseful abt it? this cld b a very like. up n down friendship of any type its just. where do they stand. r they friends. r they enemies. r they lovers? probably not lovers. prob just platonic. but still its the thought tht counts. 

and also ;; literally just like. anything. clients who buy off of him n like. casual friends n casual enemies n casual hookups. ppl hes ghosted. ppl hes embarrassed himself in front of. maybe ur muse tries to get ducky to socialize or maybe ducky is like. u are too much fr me. n ur muse runs off crying. endless possibilities all u hv to do is call this number now. 

[angeltrapz]

saw ur post 4 saw asks n im here to deliver!! (also fully gonna answer the one u sent me i just had a busy night 💚) — hmmm would personally love to hear more abt the Matthews-Faulkner-Stanheight-Blank family dynamic? esp maybe Daniel + Art, but rlly just anything u wanna talk abt there! maybe if they have any sorta family traditions, what holidays look like for them, that sorta deal

shfajs tysm!!!! (also tht's totally okay, take yr time!!!)

also oooo I love this question okay. so like u mentioned this when I asked abt what Eric n Daniel's relationship would b like post-trap, but I think it's very very good fr Daniel 2 like. see tht Eric has ppl who love him n who don't mind helping him when he needs it n who are THERE fr him bc again, like you've mentioned, seeing a parent so utterly shattered th way Eric was after his trap is incredibly difficult, esp for a kid (though Daniel is like. at least seventeen? still). knowing tht his dad has a good support system n is surrounded by ppl tht care abt him helps put him at ease bc he knows he can trust Adam n Art. he knows they'll keep Eric safe n tht they'll help him to heal, tht they love him n want 2 see him do well n get better. plus, Daniel knows tht if he needs to talk 2 some1 abt how difficult seeing his dad like tht is, he knows both Adam n Art r there fr him and tht helps a lot. of course, he also has Rigg + maybe Hoffman (until th whole. u know.), but they don't live w Eric. they don't see him every day th way Art n Adam do. that's not 2 say they don't know Eric is struggling, but there is a difference btwn them n Eric's boyfriends. basically, Daniel is very much grateful fr Art + Adam.

I feel like Art wld be VERY good at lending an ear fr when Daniel needs 2 talk. whether that be abt their trap + tht whole experience, Eric's trap n the consequences/rough aftermath, just plain venting, etc.; Art is there 2 listen to them + offer a solution if they want one. most times I think Daniel just wants to b listened to, esp when it comes to what they went thru in the Nerve Gas House - tht's smth they don't feel comfortable discussing w Eric right away fr obvious reasons, but therapy can only do so much. I think th two of them have more in common than they might realize at first, bc hey, Art Killed A Man Because Trevor Was Going To Kill Him If He Didn't, and Daniel Killed A Man Because Xavier Would Have Killed Both Them And Amanda If They Didn't. I feel like Art is like. very reserved abt th details of his first trap + how they affected him (and th second one tbh; it's not smth he vocalizes often at all), but fr Daniel he wld gladly talk abt it if it meant Daniel didn't feel alone. if it meant it could help them, reassure them that hey, it wasn't yr fault, u did what u had to, n I know tht can be hard 2 believe right now n that's okay. u need to process things at yr own pace.

and so Art tells them abt the Mausoleum, bares a part of himself he keeps locked away where he doesn't often give it much thought/actively ignores it. n I think tht's healing fr him too, maybe. there's solace in tht shared experience, as horrible as it was in th moment. 2 know there's someone out there who has even th faintest inkling of what u went thru + what u had to do to survive. of course Daniel relates 2 Adam fr this reason too, but like. Art will use his Lawyer Voice n make sure Daniel understands tht what they did doesn't make them a bad person or confirm tht Jigsaw Was Right And They Deserved It. n tht's rly important fr Daniel 2 hear, esp early on. it's honestly one of th first times Art is truly honest abt his feelings on th matter + the Mausoleum, n it's just. a step tht much closer to healing for both of them.

family traditions!!! they do have a few! in the summer, every sunday they have Daniel w them, Eric Art n Adam go out fr ice cream, even if they get it at the drive thru n eat it in th car bc none of them want 2 be around all th people/sit outside in th muggy weather. it's a good way to get them all out of th house fr a little while, something enjoyable tht doesn't require too much energy or even interaction. it's just smth nice they can do where they're all together n chilling n just enjoying each other's company!

this is mostly a Daniel one but every year around April Fools he just. puts fucking googly eyes on everything. n every time some1 discovers some, it doesn't matter where in th house he is, u can hear him cackle abt it. Adam thinks it's an absolute delight n has assisted on multiple occasions. tht's abt as far as pranks go fr them, bc none of them like surprises like that, but god is it ever hilarious 2 hear Eric frm the kitchen while Art Adam n Daniel r in the living room when he says "I found another one!" while he's looking fr smth in the fridge kjdkfsf.

holidays!! every Christmas they all sit down in th living room n watch a couple of movies w the blankets spread out on th floor w snacks n hot chocolate. the first Christmas following his trap, Eric was sat on th couch between Adam n Art while Daniel chose to sprawl out on th floor, n he just looked around at his boyfriends n his son n the fake pine tree they had all decorated together n he like. needs to take a moment bc this is it. this is all he cld ever want out of life right here. this is a level of peace Eric never knew he wld ever be able to reach after what he went thru fr those six months. n he just sort of presses his face into Art's shoulder n breathes thru it. he doesn't even have to say anything fr Adam n Art to know what he's thinking bc Adam's hand is on his arm n Art's resting his cheek against th top of his head, n he might cry a little, but he's happy. surrounded by th ppl he loves n who love him, love him enough to keep the lights down low n the volume on th television soft, to use subtitles so he doesn't get overwhelmed, Eric realizes he has a home n it's just. oof.

fr Valentine's Day, this one was actually Adam's idea initially: wht they do is take sticky notes n write little affirmations on thm fr each other, n stick thm in places where they'll see it. sometimes Daniel joins in on this one, but usually it's an Art Eric Adam thing. so like it'll be little things, like a note frm Adam telling Eric how proud he is of him, or one from Art letting Adam know he couldn't have had a better best friend, or th one from Eric that thanks th both of thm fr helping him w his rashes + helping him 2 accept tht part of him n start to see it as nothing to be ashamed of. it starts on th first day of February and ends on Valentine's Day itself, n sometimes they get those packs of cards u get fr kids just to write goofy shit on thm to pass back n forth n make each other laugh. they also get th discounted candy!! (Adam steals all th twix bars tho. tht's okay bc Eric likes snickers anyway n Art is fond of reese's peanut butter cups. they share th sweet tarts + conversation hearts!)

Halloween is when they get a big bowl of candy 2 leave on th porch fr the kids who're trick-or-treating while th three of them stay inside (+Daniel sometimes!) n watch some classics, like their Christmas tradition. they Also add in some bad movies 2 mix it up a lil bit bc sometimes u just need a laugh. I am like in Lov w the idea u had abt Eric n Adam sometimes building cozy pillow forts, so they do tht n the three of them just vibe in there n lay together n look n talk. n like it's So Much Fun 2 have ppl to like. discuss movies w while yr watching them! esp when they're ppl who won't be annoyed w u when u wanna share a thought! like Eric n Adam will get into this deep discussion abt horror movie decisions n Art will just lay there n listen bc he loves them so much n loves hearing them get amped up abt things. he'll offer his own two cents if asked too! mostly he listens, but he can definitely contribute.

inevitably at some point, someone's hand ends up in Eric's hair n he's just. asleep not too long after that. usually on someone's shoulder or against their chest, n depending on who's still awake, they either try 2 move to th bedroom or they just sleep in th living room (i.e.: Art will try to convince Eric n Adam to come to bed properly, whereas Adam will just b like "fuck it" n pass out right there. has this led 2 them waking up sore b4? absolutely. but it's like. "we r adults who live w our decisions n this one happened 2 be sleeping on th floor" so.

n then a minor one is on their birthdays, some1 (usually Art, to be completely honest w u) will cook tht person their favourite comfort food fr dinner n they all help make cake/cupcakes/cookies/something dessert-related of their choice. so like Art rly likes brownies, Adam is fond of strawberry jello poke cake, n Eric can make some RLY good carrot cake cupcakes w homemade frosting too. it's just smth fr them to do together + like! it's celebrating! they've all been thru so much hell but they're still here! n that's rly th focus for the three of them. sometimes they have ppl over too - like Rigg, Gibson, Brit, Mallick, Lawrence, William (all of them best-case, obv); it's nice 2 have a lil party sometimes! after what they've endured they've kind of earned it I think!

thank u sm!!! this was so fun 2 think abt fjdkjsk

(lil random hc: when Daniel was little, Eric used 2 write letters to him frm Santa. eventually Daniel got "too old for that," but honestly? they cherish tht memory. I wanted 2 include it bc it makes me kjehfje!!!)

[furyfought]

abernathy is a small town, surely you’ve met AGATHA KLEIN ; they can be a little IRREVERENT & OPPORTUNISTIC but have no fear , the TWENTY SEVEN year old definitely makes up for it by being IMPISH & SENSITIVE . most of the time anyway .  they’re usually seen around KLEIN & ASSOCIATES, LLC , as a CRIMINAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY . you know, i hear they’re affiliated with the local mc, iron kings as an ATTORNEY . they’ve got this vibe of A HEART GROWN RAVENOUS, A CYANIDE CENTER ENCAPSULATED BY SACCHARINE FRUIT, AND A SOUL IN THE FORM OF A SCRIBBLE WITH FANGS going on , makes them easily recognizable.

loosely inspired by jennifer check (jennifer's body), wendy byrde (ozark), ginger fitzgerald (ginger snaps), elizabeth sloane (miss sloane), john silver (black sails), & BBHMM.

+ pinterest, stats.

hey, friends. i’m devin (or dev) & very tickled to be here. agatha’s a combination of two of my favorite muses, and i can only hope that you’ll love her as much as i do. 🤎

"𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄, 𝐈 𝐀𝐌 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒. 𝐍𝐎. 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐒𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓."

agatha’s story isn’t one that she likes to tell anymore. she feels it’s useless: to be defined by the actions of others, to attempt to battle the preconceived notions that run rampant regardless of what one says or does. she doesn’t want to beg for understanding anymore, or to claw her way from beneath the filth she’s made of her life. all that most know is all that she can bear to have known. the rest? it’s confetti; a meager concession in a game of chess. if you know her, is that a fact or a weapon to be used against her?

when it comes to the stories that can be told, however.. perhaps the most important is background. agatha’s an abernathy native: raised in grandiose park, flew the coop for college, only to settle back down in bordeaux apartments. klein & associates, llc. has been in her family for generations, each forefather serving increasingly questionable clients. agatha’s life, like that of many kleins before her, was already planned before she’d ever even been a thought in her parents’ minds. under her mother’s rule, there wasn’t any room for straying from that path. agatha would be smart; she would be clean; and she would be, without fail, someone. in other words, she would be her perfect replica. imagine the disappointment when agatha was anything but. 

agatha’s childhood can be summed up by three things: a door slammed shut in her face, an ear-piercing howl, and the chronic longing to go home — wherever that was. it’s another thing she doesn’t talk about, another thing she tries not to think about. those three things have followed her into adulthood, but they’ve taken different forms now. no longer is agatha a child screaming her throat raw — no; now, she cries out in other more productive ways. if you were to ask her, she’d tell you that she’s a woman grown; the past is behind her, buried in the sand where it belongs. the truth is trickier, less absolute. agatha is a child in the form of a woman; forever in the midst of a metamorphosis, unsure if for better or worse. she lacks foresight & lives largely in the now. she can’t imagine a future for herself and her choices in life reflect that.

agatha succeeds because she’s pretty, powerful, and convincing. wherever she falls short, her father is sure to more than make up for it. it’s amazing what people will do for the right price, and when they want to keep certain secrets from ever seeing the light. nepotism & immense privilege have done wonders for her, but she does.. actually work hard, too. she has an incredible memory & is really good at digging for more information & making her case. if she tells you that she’s going to do something, then she’s going to do it right no matter what. she’s dogged in that way, blinded to the outside world by her stubbornness. she works long hours & values her career above all else. she thinks it’s the only sure thing she has & views it as the one stable, secure thing in her life.

agatha is lonely to the point of defect. she lacks a sense of security in her life, which is why she’s so career-focused. she genuinely thinks that the only person ever looking out for her is her dad. she becomes very predictable once you realize that she will always pick the winning team; that she will forever follow the money; and that she is always going to make the decision that most benefits her. that isn’t to say that she doesn’t have any friends omg, but.. she doesn’t really trust easily. if she trusts you and considers you near and dear to her heart, then she’ll choose you. but until she has that reassurance? you’re on your own, bro. 

but like.. you literally would not know that unless you got burned by her. agatha is really good at listening and really good at playing parts for people. the thing with having no story is that she’s free to create her own. if you need a hero, she can be that. if you need a villain, she can definitely be that. she’s eerily good at getting chummy enough to make people think she’s close, only for them to realize.. they don’t actually know anything real about her? fun stuff. 

i think.. her entire life is a vie for power while also wanting to let go of that desire while also being afraid of what might happen if she were to let go of that desire. she’s not tht bad. she can play decent, be a guy’s guy. and she does come off tht way. it’s jus.. underneath there’s tht like .. tht rot tht she can’t scrub away. n it rears its ugly little head smtimes. but. :^) she can be cool n shoot the shit u kno.. heheh.

anyway.. lighter stuff<3 puts the gaslight and gatekeep in girlboss. talks just like her daddy, except for when she’s in the courtroom. egocentric without ever meaning to be. (spoiler: it’s a smoke screen.) she can, must, and will find a way to twist your words into something she can make sense of. believes in mixed drink supremacy. will absolutely smoke all of your weed + play dumb about hogging the blunt. plays dumb a lot actually, until it’s time to be smart. she’s touchy-feely, but freezes up whenever someone touches her. stares — a lot. can’t ever be the person to pick you up after a rough night out, because she’s likely there with you egging you on to do one more shot. every event is a tits out event / she has to be the most overdressed person in the convenience store at all times. can, must, and will be your unsolicited sugar momma. YOU SPIL-DBFDHFDJHBF LIPSTICK IN MY VALENTINO WHITE BAG? energy. thinks everything is a competition because it is. if she loved you once then she loves you forever. thinks going 20 over the speed limit isn’t speeding, actually. a bit of an emotional anarchist. can’t actually take what she’ll dish out. teases u if she likes u. teases u if she doesn’t like u. doesn’t care abt the feud as long as she’s gettin’ tht shmoney. big fan of an emotional sucker punch. 

"𝐌𝐘 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐌𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐈𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐖𝐍 𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐋, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐈 𝐀𝐌 𝐀𝐋𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐘 𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐋."  + below are some ideas open to any & all muses no matter the age, gender, affiliation, etc !

i’ve left how she got involved with the mc totally absent from this intro bc i was hoping to plot it out! i’d love it if someone wanted to be her “in”. could be they were a childhood friend in need of help, a client she got close to, jus smth tht happened by chance.. whtever we come up with works! <3

if anyone needs an evil ex gf .. She’s Here. she will lie, cheat, scam, trash yr car, empty yr bank account.. whtvr you need, baybee<3

conversely.. not-so-evil ex gf? agatha can be nice & caring without there being a catch sometimes. maybe they still talk. maybe they’re friends. u tell me.

fwb / ex fwb? she do be sending them ‘u up?’ texts. 

someone tht agatha only got close to bc she wanted them to testify/be a character witness in court oopz<3

omg actual friends pls.. ppl tht Know her. tht See her. ppl tht she cares abt n would actually do anything for. friends!!!!!!!!!!!!

agatha has “get off my lawn” energy so i think it would be very funnie if someone needed a place to crash n she let them stay at hers thinking it was temporary n then they jus.. did not leave. n she’s like 🤨 hello?

an almost smth? anything weird n awkward n unspoken tht maybe fizzled out or maybe still lingers under the surface?

agatha doesn’t have a budding drinking problem but if she does no she doesn’t but if she does then<3 drinking buddy? someone that she’s gotten into questionable shenanigans with? poor bartender tht has to deal w her trying to “help” them as she waits for her uber to come? the possibilities are endless.

agatha’s all bark n very little bite but i still think it’d be funnie if she had a hateship. jus putting tht out there<3

if yr muse wnts an ego boost via unrequited crush.. lmk. i’m willing to hulk smash all of agatha’s dignity jus for u.

omggg a dealer? >.> who said tht omg #hacked.. 

on n off again thingz? lorde wrote tht "i am my mother's child i'll love you til my breathing stops / i'll love you till you call the cops on me" line abt her</3

budding friendships!!!!!!! ppl tht she goes to pilates or yoga with; people she gets brunch with; ppl she keeps running into n its like heeey u :); little platonic crushes jus . all of the cute platonic thingz tht make her go wtf is this 🤨. 

i mean.. if anyone wants a sugar momma.. I MEANNN..

college friends!! law school friends!! ppl she met over the summer while interning somewhere!! i left tht purposely vague, hint-hint.

tinder dates gone wrong. ghosted tinder dates. tinder thingz.

agatha’s been attending galas / banquets / office partiez for ages now so if anyone wants to be her plus one or her lil fake date... :^) could be cute. cld be angsty. world is our oyster. 

speaking of which.. coworkers n maybe even a lil personal assistant would be so sexie.

[archiefm]

         ... claws my way up from hell once more and vomits onto the dash.... hello. its nora. i used to write rory bergstrom, but if u were here before that u might remember me as greta or alma putnam or..... som1 else.... an endless carousel of trash children..... this is finn, who i actually wrote for an early version of this rp abt 5yrs back now...... grits teeth..... so forgive me if im rusty i havent written him in a long time but seein honey boy gave me a lotta finn muse n im keen to get Back On The Horse yeehaww...

DYLAN O’BRIEN / CIS-MALE — don’t look now, but is that finn o’callaghan i see? the 25 year old criminology and forensic studies student is in their graduate year of study year and he is a rochester alum. i hear they can be judicious, adroit, morose and cynical, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he will make a name for themselves living off-campus. ( nora. 24. gmt. she/her )

shakes my tin can a humble pinterest, ma’am....

finn has a bio pasted at the bottom (n written in like.... 2015.... gross) but it’s long  so if u don’t wanna read it here’s the sparknotes summary..... anyway this was written years ago n a lot of it seems really cliche and lame now but..... we accept the trash we think we deserve

grumpy, ugly sweater wearing, tech-savvy grandpa

very dry sense of humour and embraces nihilism. 

if ron swanson and april ludgate had a baby it would be finn

he was raised in derry, just south of dublin.

from a big family. elder sister called sinead. he also has a younger sister (aoife), a younger brother (colm), and a collie named lassie because his father lovs cliches (finn hates cliches but loves his dog). 

his father was a pub landlord and his mother worked at the market sellin fruit n veg when they met but got a job as a medical receptionist when she had kids cos it meant she cld be there with them in the day and work nights.

his parents met when they were p young and fiesty and rushed into marriage cos they were catholic n just wanted to have sex. his family were literally dirt-poor, but they had a lot of love i guess

hmmmmm his relationship w his father wasn’t the best cos i can’t write character who have healthy relationships w their parents throws up a peace sign. yh, had a pretty emotionally distant, alcoholic violent father n so gets a lot of his bad habits i.e. drinking as a coping mechanism and poor anger management from him BUT anyway

as a kid he was never very motivated in class, he always had a nervous itch to be off somewhere doing something else. struggled under government austerity bcso there just wasn’t the resources to support low income families where the kids had learning difficulties n needed support. fuck the tories am i right 

his mum suggested he try sports to help w his restless energy but he was never any good at football so he took up boxing and tap dance instead. he took to tap dancing like a fish to fuckin water. as adhd n found this as a really good way to use his excess energy in a creative way

had a few run ins with the police in his early teens for spray painting and graffiti, but he straightened himself out n now actually considering becoming a detective inspector??? cops are pigs.

he had a youtube channel where he posted videos of him tapdancing and breakdancing as a kid, basically would be a tiktok boy nowadays, n had like... a small fanbase in his early teens. attended several open auditions unsuccessfully, until he was finally cast in billy eliot when he was fifteen.

during billy eliot he began dating an italian dancer called nina. they became dance partners soon after and toured across the republic with various different shows (inc riverdance lol the classic irish stereotype). their relationship was p toxic tbh, they were both very hot tempered people and just used to argue and fight all the time.

he went semi-pro at tap dancing, and nina couldn’t stand being second best so she moved back to italy with her family. ignored his texts, phone calls, etc, eventually he was driven to the point where he used his savings to buy a plane ticket, showed up at her house and she was like wtf?? freaked out and filed a restraining order accusing him of stalking.

he was fined for harassment and then returned home to derry, but after the incident with nina he quit dancing for good and finished his leaving cert before heading to university in the US to get as far away from nina and his past life as poss. and basically since he quit dancing to study forensics (death kink. finn cant get enough of that morgue. just walks around sayin beat u) he’s become a massive grump and jsut doesn’t see the good in people any more.

u’ll find finn in an old man bar drinking whiskey bc he is in fact an old man at heart or sat on his roof smoking a joint, drawing wolves and lions and skeletons and shit, playing call of duty or getting blazed or at the corner of the room in a house party ignoring everyone and scrolling through twitter. is a massive e-boy. always up-to-date on memes and internet slang. has reddit as an app on his phone

not very good at communication. rather than solve his issues by talking, he’d prefer to just solve them through fighting or running away from his problems hence why he has come halfway across the world to get away from an issue which probs cld have been solved w a few apology emails.

takes a lot to phase him, but when his beserk button gets pressed he can become a bit pugnacious like an angry lil rottweiler. in his undergrad he was in a few fist fights but doesn’t really do tht any more as he doesn’t condone violence.

 in the previous version of this rp he was hospitalised like 5 times. pls, give my son a break. stop tryin to kill him. he literaly got a bottle smashed over his head and bled out all over his favourite angora rug that was the only light of his life

works at the campus coffee shop n always whines about how he’s a slave to capitalism. always smells of coffee

lives off campus with an elderly woman named Marianne, and basically gets reduced rent bcos he makes her dinner / keeps her company. they have a great bond

fan of karl marx. v big on socialism

insomniac with chronic nosebleeds

cynical about everything. too much of a fight club character 4 his own good n has his head up tyler durden’s sphincter

always confused or annoyed

statistics

basic information

full name: finnegan seamus o'callaghan nickname(s): finn age: 25 astrological sign: aries hometown: derry, ireland occupation: phd student / former street entertainer fatal flaw: cynicism positives: self-reliant, street smart, relaxed, intelligent, spontaneous, brave, independent, reliable, trustworthy, loyal. negatives: hostile, impulsive, stubborn, brooding, pugnacious, untrusting, cynical, enigmatic, reserved.

physical

colouring: medium hair colour: dark brown, almost black eye colour: brown height: 5’9” weight: 69kg build: tall, athletic voice: subtle irish accent, low, smooth. dominant hand: left scar(s): one on the left side of his ribs from a knife wound that he doesn’t remember getting cos he was drunk distinguishing marks: freckles, tattoo of a wolf howling at a moon allergies: pollen and the full spectrum of human emotion alcohol tolerance: high drunken behaviour: he becomes friendlier, far more conversational than when sober, flirtier, and generally more self-confident.

psychological

dreams/goals: self-fulfilment, travel the globe, experience life in its most alive and technicoloured version, make documentary films, help the vulnerable in society, grow as a human being.

skills: jack-of-all-trades, very fast runner, good at thieving things, talented tap dancer, good in crisis situations, dab-hand at mechanics, musically-intelligent, can throw a mean right hook and very capable of defending himself, can roll a cigarette, memorises quotes and passages of literature with ease, can light a match with his teeth.

likes: the smell of the earth after rain, poetry, cigarettes, shakespeare, whiskey, tattoos, travelling, ac/dc, deep conversations, leather jackets, open spaces, the smell of petrol, early noughties ‘emo phase’ anthems.

dislikes:  the government, parties, rules, donald trump, children, apple products, weddings, people in general, small talk, dependency, loneliness, pop music, public transport, justin timberlake, uncertainty.fears: fear itself, drowning alignment: true neutral mbti: istp – “while their mechanical tendencies can make them appear simple at a glance, istps are actually quite enigmatic. friendly but very private, calm but suddenly spontaneous, extremely curious but unable to stay focused on formal studies, istp personalities can be a challenge to predict, even by their friends and loved ones. istps can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but they tend to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking their interests in bold new directions.” (via 16personalities.com)

full bio (lame as fuck written years ago..... pleathe...)

tw homophobia

born in quigley’s pub on the backstreets of sunny dublin, young finnegan o'callaghan was thrown kicking and screaming into the rowdy suburbs of irish drinking culture. the son of a landlord and a fishwife, he never had much in the way of earnings, but there was never a dull moment in his lively estate, where asbo’s thrived, but community spirit conquered. at school, finn was pegged as lazy and unmotivated, though truly his dyslexia made it hard for the boy to learn in the same environment of his peers and only made him more closed-off in class. struggling with anger management, finn moved from school to school, unable to fit the cookie-cutter mould that school enforced on him, though whilst academic studies were of little interest to the boy, he soon found his true passions lay in recreational activities. immersed into the joys of sport from as young as four, finn was an ardent munster fan and anticipated nothing more than the day he could finally fit into his brother’s old pair of rugby boots.

his calling finally came unexpectedly, not in the form of rugger, but through dance. to learn to express himself in a non-academic way, he began tap dancing, finding therapy in the beat of his soles against the cracked kitchen tiles (much to his mother’s disgrace). it wasn’t a conscious choice, finn just realised one day that dance was something that made him feel. a king of the streets, finn made his fortune on those cobbled pavements – dancing and drawing to earn his keep. by default, finn became a street artist, each penny he earned from his chalk drawings saved in a jam jar towards buying his first pair of tap shoes. though many of his less-than-amiable neighbours called him a nancy and a gaybo, finn refused to quit at his somewhat ‘unconventional’ hobby, for the young scrapper found energy, life, and released anger through the rhythm of tap. soon he branched out into street dance, hip hop, break dancing, lyrical, his days spent smacking his scuffed feet against the broken patio into the night.

when he was thirteen he took up boxing, and as expected, his newfound ‘macho’ pastime conflicted with his dancing. the boxers called him ‘soft’; the dancers called him ‘inelegant’. he felt like two different people; having to choose between interests was like being handed a knife and asked to which half of himself he wished to cut away. he couldn’t afford professional training in dance, with most schools based in england and limited scholarships available. instead, he made the street his studio, racking up a small fanbase on youtube. when he was fifteen he made his debut in billy eliot at the olympia theatre in dublin. enter nina de souza, talented, beautiful and italian; ballet dancer, operatic singer, genius whiz kid, and spoiled brat. she was selfish, conceited, hell bent on getting her own way, and every director’s nightmare. finn fell for her like a house of cards. he’d always had a soft spot for girls who meant trouble. and so their hellish courtship began.

by the time they were seventeen, the two young swans had danced in every playhouse across the republic. they were known in theatres across the country for their tempestuous personalities, their raging arguments with one another, their tendency to drop out of shows altogether without any notice, yet the money kept rolling in and the audiences continued to grow. for three years, their families continued to put up with their hysterical fights followed by passionate reconciliations. he was too possessive, and she was too wild. their carcrash of a relationship finally came to a catastrophic halt when nina broke off the whole affair and returned to italy with her family. for months finn tried to contact her, yet his phone calls, texts, facebook messages were always ignored, until finally he was driven to drastic measures and used his savings to get a plane to her home town. when finn turned up uninvited at nina’s house she freaked out – and rightly so – she contacted her agent, accused him of stalking her, and had a restraining order placed against him. finn was arrested, held in a station overnight, and charged with harassment before he was allowed to return to dublin.

after the incident with nina, finn lost the fight in his eyes. he became far more hostile, far less likely to retaliate with his own fists, and picked fights not for the thrill of feeling his own fists pummel another into a wall, but for the sensation of his own brittle bones cracking. he dropped his tap shoes in a dumpster, stopped talking to his friends, followed his father’s advice and went back to school to complete his leaving certificate. a few short months later, and finn was packing his bags, saying his bittersweet goodbyes, and travelling half-way across the globe to be as far away as possible from his past self, his mess of a life, and most of all nina. it seemed somehow ironic that the boy who had been cautioned by the garda so much during his youth for spray painting, busking without a liscence, and raucous parties would become the grumpy, aloof overseas student studying a degree in criminology; that his once reckless spirit could be crushed so easily. 

of all things that finn could be called, straightforward would never be one of them. ever since his first days in atticus, the boy was pegged as hostile, hot-headed, cynical, rude. he seemed to spend more time in his thoughts than engaging in conversation. like a ticking time-bomb, finn’s anger was of the calm kind, liable to explode without a moment’s noticed. his unpredictable personality make him something of an enigma to those who aren’t amiable with the lad, though hostile as he may appear, he harvests a good heart. loyalty lies at the centre of his affections, and whilst his friends are few in number, he makes a lifelong partner. somewhere within finn, there’s still some fight left, but mostly he has recognised that his hedonistic lifestyle did little to leave him fulfilled – mostly, it just emptied him out – and over his three years at university has resigned himself to a nihilistic predicament.

        if u wanna plot with me pls pls pls im me or like this post!! i am always game for plots i love em so excited to write with you all here r some ideas

study buddies. finn is now a phd student so has to start takin shit seriously. he gon be in the library every day doing that independent study. if he had ppl who were also regular library goers n they get each other coffees to save time.... tht wld be sweet

ppl who love techno dj sets and going super hard on the weekends!!! fuck yea

friends with benefits. exes on bad terms. ppl he tried to date but couldnt because he’s always emotionally hung up on someone else. spicy hook up plots

ppl he met touring?? maybe ppl who were also in the entertainment industry..... anyone got a character who is ex circus hit me up

does anyone else study criminology / forensics / criminal psych / law? phd students sometimes lecture so he cld be an assistant lecturer / tutor if ur character is in a younger year

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

finn goes to the skatepark and all the young boys there think he’s a gradnpa which he is! 

[jewpacabruhs]

Hi I read your recent post about Liane but I have a question about your post. You said abusers don’t deserve sympathy, even if they were abused themselves....but didn’t Cartman abuse Heidi and multiple others? Why should he be forgiven but not other abusers?

context bruh. i was talking about sexual abuse (csa in particular). that sort of abuse and emotional abuse are wildly wildly different - emotional abuse can be just as damaging, but i don’t think cartman’s actions have impacted anyone severely or ruined any lives (except maybe that therapist who’s wife killed herself, and the shit-eating nanny from tsst ssfdjfkhsd i shouldnt keysmash abt tht but it was played for shock value slash laughs so) - whereas the abuse cartman’s endured has shaped him into the person he is, and will forever impact the way he goes about relationships. 

although actually, i take that back a lil; i think butters has been severely affected by the way cartman’s treated him. all the kids treat him bad, but cartman saw vulnerability and singled him out, which is reminiscent of abuse… but it’s, dare i say, hardly consistent enough to be? i think emotional abuse takes emotional investment, and they’re too young for that. like, i don’t wanna try to say abuse has to fall into a certain box, but… actually, yanno what, i retract that. i’m pulling that out of my ass. in this specific situation, yes, i think cartman’s abused butters. i can’t justify it or defend him. cartman’s consistently cruel to him, butters is consistently hurt by cartman’s behavior, there’s a stark power imbalance; yes, that is abuse. so he should be held accountable for that. but even then i think the primary culprits in who’s fucking butters up most are his parents. his classmates made him feel alienated, unliked, and unwanted, and cartman’s made him feel like a useless door mat, and that’s an awful awful traumatic feeling, too - especially paired with a bad home life. but his parents are the ones doing more severe psychological harm, in my opinion.

butters’ arc is actually reminiscent of cartman’s; naive kid is neglected/abused at home, then picked on for something petty at school, possibly singled out by another child (and then,,, becoming infatuated with that child, holy shit), to the point of taking on an antagonistic stance against the world & becoming hostile, even pushing people away for fear of being hurt, or, in cartman’s case, annoyed or burdened by their needs and wants. (it’s also noticeable that everyone treated cartman bad, but especially kyle, until he became the cartman we know now, and now everyone treats butters bad, but especially cartman, and now he’s become this form of butters. it’s a cycle… always is.) and people hate both cartman and butters for their behavior, and it’s fine to dislike a character, but taking their trauma into account while criticizing them is essential. it’s crazy - that cycle’s already starting among these children, yanno? cartman got broke, then helped start to break butters, and g-d knows what butters could do next. abuse and all the lives it affects is fucked up man, sp removed.

anyway. but heidi? we haven’t seen too much of her, but i think she kept her base personality. she’s not jaded. in fic you could write her as being more seriously affected, but in canon, next to other canon abuse victims, she’s not showing symptoms and there’s no focus on it. that doesn’t invalidate her experiences, but i just,,, don’t think it’s on par. same with kyle, who i’ll reaffirm a hundred times over isn’t abused by cartman; they have a mutually toxic relationship that kyle actually instigated in the early seasons, and none of cartman’s behavior towards kyle is traditional abuse. an unhealthy obsession, sure, and there’s some codependency too, but i don’t think it’s wearing down at kyle’s perceptions, impacting his self esteem, or changing his personality for the worst. in my opinion, the worst thing cartman’s done to kyle is push him to question judaism and be ashamed of that aspect of his identity, but kyle’s done the same thing, by attacking cartman’s weight, intelligence, and his mom’s profession. those things aren’t the same as being teased for being jewish, but cartman looked for an easy target - kyle’s identity and his mom, which are both things he’s extremely defensive of and invested in. it was, frankly, retaliation, and now they’re stuck in an unhealthy loop, but it’s still not abuse. though kyle (and to a lesser extent, stan) in early seasons absolutely abused cartman, and no one holds kyle accountable for that. 

tldr, there’s a stark difference between liane’s grown ass enabling the sexual abuse and exploitation of her child, and that abused child (who’s ten years old) lashing out emotionally towards his friends because he doesn’t know any better, wants to make others suffer like he has, and doesn’t understand the consequences of his actions. cartman could easily turn into an abusive monster, but he has time to change (in fanon, of course), with professional help. but liane’s already fucked him up, she squashed his potential and set him on a bad path, and thus, cartman’s actions are her fault, 100%. dang ol,,,, blood on her hands, man.

[ofstvtches]

ROCKY LYNCH,  MASCULINE NB,  HE/HIM & THEY/THEM.  —  looks  like  SAMHAIN SKELLINGTON is  attending  AURORIA  UNIVERSITY  in  auradon.  they're  the  TWENTY  year  old  child  of  JACK & SALLY SKELLINGTON,  which  means  they're  from  THE ISLE.  heard  they're  NURTURING  &  GENTLEMANLY,  but  can  also  be  INFLEXIBLE  &  SELF-PITYING  ;  we  all  have  our  bad  days.  people  normally  associate  them  with  SEWING NEEDLES REPAIRING A BROKEN DOLL , A BAG FULL OF BANDAGES, TRYING SO HARD TO BE TOUGH WHEN YOU’RE SOFT , SOFT HAIR HELD BACK WITH A BAT-SHAPED PIN.

                    ❛  when you saw that little girl , and she was in the sandbox                            and she was crying , and you gave her your toy truck and                            I told you we couldn’t afford to get another one. you said ,                          ‘ she should have it because she’s sad. she’s sad , mommy. ’ ❜                            playlist. pinterest. to listen as you read.

lol u guessed it it’s me , again , by unpopular demand - i am so sorry. third muse already bc i can’t keep myself away from playing absolute CINNAMON ROLLS so that’s what u can expect from sam w/ a pumpkin spice twist. bc nightmare is my absolute favorite movie and ... halloween, motherfuckers. so as usual this will PROBABLY end up long bc i love writing sam so much so yeah , more below ! 

HISTORY 

So as we know , Jack & Sally were sent to the Isle w/ the rest of Halloweentown for trying to steal Christmas ! And unlike Christmas , Samhain was not born in Halloweentown. In fact , he wasn’t even born - he was made. 

Magic wasn’t a huge thing on the Isle - but a resource of science was Dr. Finkelstein , and despite the limited resources and technology on the Isle , the couple begged the mad scientist to create another child for them. And from Sally , it took a lot of convincing , but Jack was able to talk him into it. 

It took even more of an effort to pull off , again considering the state of the Isle. But a good few months into the project and Jack & Sally were greeted with the cries of a tiny ragdoll baby boy. Keeping up with the holiday themed names , he was named Samhain - Sam for short. 

He grew with multiple touch-ups from the doctor to simulate an actual boy growing up - every year , a check-up making him taller , stronger , etc. And in that process he started to look more and more like his mother , with her big eyes and stitched smile and patchwork clothes. But he grew up loved by his brother & parents - though it never quelled the fact he always wanted... more.

He was loved , he was coddled , and as sheltered as a child could be on the Isle. So , much like his mother , he took a habit of sneaking out frequently and trying to fit in with the other Isle kids , even though he knew he didn’t. 

He just wanted to fit in. That was it. And it started off with him wearing large hoods and heavy clothes to hide the stitches on his body as well as masks to cover facial stitches. And while some other Isle kids found him odd and sticking out like a sore thumb , some found him cool. Some found him interesting. But nobody really knew what he was hiding - and it added mystery to someone so NICE , because Sam’s overall sweetness could rival that if sugar’s. 

Curiosity only reached dangerous points though when Sam snuck out on night to camp out with friends - and when everyone else was asleep , one removed his mask , and of COURSE did Samhain immediately wake up. He didn’t stay to see the reaction of the other when revealing his stitches , too afraid that he’d be seen as scary or repulsive for what he was. And he ran. He ran back home , locking himself in his room , and those friends he routinely hung out with . . . well , he didn’t talk to them much after that. Because what if they knew , now ?? What would they think ??

Villain & Auradon kids coming together was a new chance for Sam to try and fit in - be more in his element. He was immediately acquainted with a magic-practicing individual ( could be an AK or a VK - this’ll be a wc ) who struck a deal with him to offer him glamours so he could look less scary. Of course , these glamours would have to be applied and would wear off until the next application , but it’d make him feel more comfortable - even though he WOULD technically be hiding who he is.

While Christmas , the elder sibling , would be sticking around in Auradon Prep , Samhain would prefer to move immediately to Auroria University to try and figure out who exactly he wanted to be , and how he could do that. Currently he’s majoring in Nursing , given he’s always had a rather NURTURING and charitable nature - never turning down someone else’s request to help.

CHARACTER & FACTS 

So lemme get this one thing out of the way bc if I don’t I’ll be itching about it - but all my resources for ( the love of my life ) Rocky were made by me , and while they’re all from multiple eras from both R5 & TDE , I imagine Sam to resemble how Rocky looks around the post-Louder , Heart Made Up On You & Sometime Last Night eras ( basically from like 2013-2015 ). Here , here , & here for some references. I’m nOT DONE GIFFING THOUGH bc frankly I find giffing him therapeutic.

Now I don’t have a drawn reference or anything for this next part so we’re gonna have to use our imagination here but unglamoured , Sam basically looks like his mom in terms of the fact he’s a little ragdoll baby. Putting on a glamour doesn’t change his appearance much save for the fact the stitches disappear and he looks more human. 

The glamour is an enchanted bat charm he wears around his neck that can also be used as a hairtie. And it has to be refreshed every so often , so he has to keep going back to whoever provided him with it so it doesn’t lose its effect.

He still has a backup mask just in case , and he’s been practicing with makeup if need be.

Personality-wise , the best one can describe Sam as is sweet and polite. I included tht Stranger Things quote at the beginning 4 a rEASON bc he’s honestly such a sweet kid and will give anything to anyone.

And also bc I imagine Sally as Joyce mom-wise so yEAH bt I digress.

He knows his manners and treats everyone with the UTMOST amount of respect , which makes it extremely easy to get along with him . He’s also maybe a tad bit too giving for his own good , since it’s incredibly easy to use that to one’s advantage and he’s so inclined to believe people have the best intentions. An optimist , even if it’s to a fault. And then when he gets hurt he just sits to the side feeling sorry for himself like “ :’’’(. ”

Now when I say he’s inflexible , I mean that Sam is a very ORGANIZED person who likes things to be done a certain way - like , he can never do anything without a plan , and if even something slightly goes out of what the plan pertains of , he panics. He’s a goody-goody and he’s afraid to break the rules , which is why he’s still hesitant to even do things with the friends who are more “ bad ” than he is.

Everything has to be done BY THE BOOK and if it isn’t then something is bound to go wrong and Sam’s too worried about that happening.

He’s also incredibly insecure about his appearance but I think I’ve hammered in that fact enOUGH ALREADY

But if he takes his glamour off in front u that’s like. A Major sign of trust. So beware.

Again as I mentioned he tries to hang out with kids with the lesser reputations because :

1.) He wants to give them a chance

2.) He wants to make sure they have a friend to look after them

and 3.) He’s so used to trying to fit in with the other Isle kids that he’s trying to be ‘bad’ himself but it never works out bc he’s so sweet and he can dress in skinny jeans and leather and shit as much as he wants but at the end of the day he’s still Sweet Lil’ Samhain. 

One thing he’s always had a fascination with would be angels - he’s always believed in them , always though he’s had his own guardian angel watching over him somewhere , he’s always loved the idea of them. He has lots of angel decorations around his dorm as well as ornaments and stuff for the holidays. It’s also pure irony that he just so happens to be just as angelic in nature.

He’s also a big holiday person like the rest of his family and loves helping to decorate for events and stuff !!

One of his greatest talents is his ability to play both the piano & violin , and he’ll often do that if there’s a piano in common areas or so on. He’s also a talented singer , but he’s so used to putting that to the side , making him lack confidence in his voice.

i v much encourage u to listen to the song i linked i find his voice so....soothing.

Like his mom he’s also very good at cooking , sewing , etc. !! Often has to stitch himself back together if he gets hurt - you know , Sally style. 

More basic facts are that his final height clocks in at 6′4 , he’s homoromantic homosexual , and identifies as masculine non-binary who doesn’t really care how you address him. He’s very chill. And sometimes he has to walk with a cane of sorts if his stitches are loose or if his legs are feeling especially weak.

but yeah that’s it on that end !!!

WANTED CONNECTIONS

So obviously - the person who provided him with the glamour. Only requirement is that ur character’s good at magic or something of that sort.

AND ALSO - I’d love the person who initially removed his mask !! Sam didn’t stick around to see them react to how he truly looked , so it’s all up to you on how this character feels. But he’s avoided them since that scenario.

Also , his group of friends around the time that scenario happened on the Isle. Maybe they’re a little more rough around the edges than him , but this group was always tight-knit. And then Sam lightning mcghosted bc he wasn’t sure if now they knew what he really was.

Ppl who think his whole sweet thing is fAKE bc we know it isn’t but it’s so easy to THINK it is.

Also would love some folks he routinely cares for maybe in the aspect of like. Bein their shoulder to cry on. Patching up a wound. Just being There for them. 

Folks who in general just wanna know more abt him bc he is kind of a mystery !!

Would lOVE sb who his glamour wears off in front of and he begs them to keep his secret but instead they want him to try n be more comfortable w/ himself and who he is. Bc he’s a cute ragdoll let’s b honest he just. Doesn’t see himself that way. 

Ppl who Sam crushed on at the Isle and deffo broke his heart bc life just b like that sometimes 

Also present day folks who r just ready to break his heart bc again thats so easy to do

also once more i’m open 2 ANYTHINNNNNNG sam is my Baby(tm) and i’d lov any plots thrown his way !! will probs make another wc page for him like i’ve done w/ luke and am in the process of doing w/ trixie !!

[quackspot]

Every single one of the talk about meme questions. Just kidding, pick any 6 you wanna do

m gona do whatever i can talk about bc i like to talk about myself

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

getting addicted to th internet but of course i wouldn’t be here but i would likely be better off socially .  or maybe just being born as i am sometimes i think about how if i were born male things would be Much better for me like socially n stuff like that.. sometimes i jut wish i coud chest bump and cheer with friends n goof around and be crazy yeah i can be like that but it’d feel kind of weird (or just weird at first)

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.

one year i got a club penguin membership and i was in chuck e cheeses and then another year completely different but me n some friends played a game called body body in my house and it was fun

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.

i dont think i did anything for my birthday last year so like oop

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

my forehead or my height

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

im pretty proud of my art and writing!! 

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

my body is very cool i like how my hair bounces when i walk because of how i walk and how my hair curls in towards my face (kind of)

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.

probably a video game one to be honest.  cant really recall. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.

i’ve had some weird dreams like when i stole the side of a locker and ran from some guy but i was late for the bus so i put the side back and it was all ok then uhhhhh one where people were doing like cheer leader pyramids and i think some dude named craig from dream daddy was there i cant quite remember if that’s the guy who was there i just remember being like “FSKLJFLKJKLF CRAIG DREAM DADDY WAS IN MY DREAM”

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.

i went to someone’s house and i kicked a tree stump then bees chases me and i dont remember much else about it it was in like 3rd grade

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

bottom

14: Talk about a vacation.

i went to florida in 6th grade for a week and i loved it very much i got a wand (and a wand ceremony >:) )

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

never

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

in like 4th grade someone told me someone else had a crush on me and i was like “ohhhhh yeah that kind of makes sense” and i just felt awkward around him since i didnt like him back 

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

OHOSHOSHODHSOHOEHO HO O O O N N NN N  THE BUSS!!! I met a good friend and the first words i said to her were something like “hi i have social anxiety” and she was like “me too!!!” hten we were friends and then i went to another school in 8th grade and we never talked ever again and im in 10th grade now o-o

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

last year i went to the bathroom and said “let there be light” while walking in and hte lights came on

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

also last year someone who i considered like somewhat close friend (we dont talk anymore sadly he had fun games? i dunno he was rich and white and yeah he was fun to hang out with n stuff) and he asked me if i wanted to be his gf and i was like “nahh hahaha im not ready for that kind of thing” and i didnt like him that way also it was during challenge day aka  a day where people came in and were like “man we all sad let’s hug :)”

22: Talk about your worst fear.

either bugs or the horrifying fear of hte unknown and growing up

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

cant get turned down if you’ve only asked 1  person if you’d like to get together twice and they said yes both times but you started thinking you weren’t right for them then broke up B)

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

someone i’ll call m&m because she didn’t like being called that uhh she was rather rude and had a trampoline and 2 dogs and was pretty bossy i guess

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.

literally nothign new i just do what i do but maybe actually just. yeah thts basically what i did recently i had a stuffy nose and like mucus or something in my mouth and it’s still like that but the only thing i really changed was nasal spray ! i use that at night but i might stop soon since im feeling better

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

it depends on how you die. there’s probably like the last moments and then nothing. nobody knows what happens next. you might get revived or you might just be nothing forever and that’s rather scary to me

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

i remember my first house i lived in and i walked back home from elementary school and it was cool

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

tell myself “hey stop being sad” or cry if im alone 

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.

MY LEGS TODAY WERE GUCKNVIGTIORJ LKEKL JRIOFDJKLSAJIDFKEDSL ohh wait worst ok

so it was a period pain and i was on my bed and i was crying and i was curled up and a thught appeared in my head.... “what if i drew a pentagram on my hand?” because jamie said that brought her luck and i was like “fuck it might as well try it” so then i had a pentagram on my hand and satan didn’t help me with period cramps

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

stop being nervous abt talking to people i guess lol. . . . making friends hard if u cant say hi 

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

my little pony n stuff sometimes i just watch kids shows when im bored

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

idk i dont think i’ve truly fallen in love but im sure i was in love with kiley at least a little bit 

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

when i first listened to melancholy blues i thought of sparkling cookie i know he’s not real but songs don’t remind me of real people

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.

golden birthdays because my golden birthday was when i was 5  actually theyre nothing special but.. .  still wig

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

we dont have fishies anymore and that’s becuase we have a dog and a cat now :(((( miss u fish....... 

[sluuuug]

LOOOONG too long post abt dumb shit bc i can never like say actual things to ppl w out feeling weird so the relative anonymity of the internet is like Hot to me

i rly dont wanna go back to ny for so many reasons and it’s super sad n i feel like im disappointing everyone around me. i think even if i leave i’ll probably go back for my phd/mfa which makes me feel slightly better about it but like im just doing so badly recently? i think?? like im trying to be proactive abt getting help and going to therapy or whatever even though i fucking hate that but it’s really just so hard for me to gauge how im actually doing w/out being like “ok is that really that big of a deal tho.. maybe ur just being a baby........” and then subsequently convincing myself of the latter and like, feeling like shit for feeling like shit lmao.. like every day i think im not doing enough and im really not by my own standards. and the things that make me happy make me feel awful and so fucking guilty even though i know they really shouldnt. like, right now i like new hampshire im not gonna lie,, and i feel horrible for it?? like it took a long time for me to even kind of admit that i like new hampshire but i like it and i think it’s a healthier place for me to be than in new york right now. like obviously there i have some good friends tht i love and care about and vice versa but im fucked up and depressed and scared almost all the time and i really don’t connect with like 70% of the ppl i know. and even when i say that im like “well why dont you try harder to make those connections and actively seek out more opportunities for yourself” and that literally repeats in my head all the time and i just cant fucking do it and it makes me feel like im failing CONSTANTLY in every aspect of my life. i felt weird but like really like happy and ok when i was walking around the unh campus thinking abt getting an apartment with lauren or nathan and just doing my thing for a while and it was almost immediately overshadowed by guilt once again lmao. im really scared of what i might do to myself if i have another bad couple nights/days like i did a few weeks ago because i know if i die it would be extremely selfish to everyone who loves me but that’s really the only thing that stops me sometimes and depending on how bad im feeling it can be a really weak defense. i wish i could actually talk about this stuff in person with my friends and my parents because i know they deserve to know whats up with me but i literally cannot bring myself to answer their questions when they ask me. like hearing my dad basically pleading w me to take care of myself and stop punishing myself and focus on my health and seeing my mom crying and trying to like keep her anxiety under control and trying to make me pinky swear i won't hurt myself??? it absolutely fucking wrecks me and like it’s not fair that he should have to say those things to me or she should have to feel like that. i feel very loved but i feel like i dont deserve that love from them and i hate that people i make ppl worry about me bc they dont deserve it and im so so sorry to them. i truly wish they didnt know anything and i wish i was better and i hope i get better for them and also because like it’s super fucking weird to be so ambitious but also have like 0 will to live most of the time. unrelated but i drank too much vodka and puked at my friend’s house and he got me water and took care of me and stuff and like I KNOW thats just the decent thing any nice person would do but i thought he’d like draw shit on my face or something if i was ever like puking level drunk around him (which was a dumb assumption but like i dont think many ppl actually legitimately care abt me) but like i was wrong obviously and i just love him a lot im lucky to have ppl like that in my life. im gonna keep trying i guess.

[gothic-gnosis]

okay, anyways, after my intro, lemme tell you guys abt school today

TW: drug use

so, i just talked abt myself a little in a previous post, hi, im marten lol. i go to cosmetology school, i'm 19 and im pretty much the youngest person in my class. i have an actual friend group for the first time in my life lol.

so. they smoke around me, i dont really smoke at all, i dont drink or do drugs because, with bpd and shit, my brain chemicals and judgement is already constantly impaired, id rather not impair myself further. so anyways this morning i took a massive hit from my friend's pen thing, and you know, i'm a big baby bitch, im fucking coughing, Dying actually, and another girl goes "wax just hits u in the chest, lemme get you coffee" LIKE THEY WERE BEING SO NICE TO ME LMFAO, so they took me to a bench, i sat down and i was listening to them talk about cars, and suddenly my brain felt like a fucking. clock with a dying battery.

i had to try SO hard to exist and fucking listen to what they were saying, and i was like, talking, but i felt like i wasn't really there, so i went "yo, it feels like im dreaming, like im not in control of myself but i am. like one of those nightmares where you can't run when you want to but im still in full control" and they went "woah bud, ur rlly high lol" so they bought me a coffee, and my ass was fucking Struggling to exist, in the fucking moment, i could feel everything touching my body.

it was the weirdest fucking sensation, feeling my clothes touching my skin, my hair against my neck, the weight of the chain on my neck, the weight of my phone in my uniform, my socks and my work shoes, and my tongue in my moutH FUCKING INTENSELY and i was thinking to myself "how dont people have panic attacks on this shit, i can feel EVERYTHING touching my skin rn" and i was listening to conversation but couldnt comprehend what was being said, or id respond in my head but not out loud.

so, lunch rolls around, and people sit with us, they comment that they had no clue i was high even though like 70% of my personality was gone and just in my head, so i was just floating by on auto pilot. and they decide "lets go to target", first of all bitch, yall are gonna take my high ass to TARGET? and my paranoia set in, i was like "yeah no, im gonna get kidnapped and i cant fight back because my body hates me" BUT MY AUTOPILOT ASS WENT ANYWAYS?? IT WASNT UNTIL I WAS IN A GIRLS CAR THAT I REALIZED "HEY THIS IS HAPPENING OH SHIT I SHOULDVE STAYED"

so, the reason we were going to target was because multiple instructors had quit working at the school, our instructor had to pick up the slack for the teacher who quit, he seemed hella overwhelmed, so we wanted to get him a card and a gift card for a date for him and his wife. well, you know me, ya boy marten, saw a fucking HELLO KITTY MOTHERS DAY CARD AND GOT EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO IT. so i refused to get any other card, i auto piloted to starbucks, got coffee but no matter how much coffee i drank, i still felt like i was dreaming and like nothing could fully wake me up.

so at this point, my boyfriend Judas and I are arguing because my high ass said some stupid shit, he has No idea im high as balls, so the entire time im paranoid, im worried my instructor who smokes weed on his BREAK will notice i'm high, i'm freaking out on the inside BUT NONE OF IT CAME THRU ACCORDING TO MY FRIENDS. except for when i went to the floor to just cruise thru and the girl who saw me cough up my lungs went "chile, you look so high" LIKE BRUH THAT DONT HELP. this shit was a sensation i can't fucking EXPLAIN. and i know somebody might read this and be like "this bitch weak wtf" like nah dude, i dont smoke, i live pretty much 100% clean outside of caffeine, the girl who let me have a hit has been smoking since 8th grade, shes now 28, so you can imagine that shit was strong as HELL LMFAO. i'm used to abusing speed and pain killers, its my drug of choice, i like feeling zoom, but weed is a whole fucking experience and it makes me appreciate being sober.

like i like feeling like i have control of a situation, cause bpd and shit, and the high made me feel like i had zero control of ANYTHING going on. speed made me feel like i had control of EVERYTHING. i see why my friends constantly talk abt being sleepy and shit cos tht shit made me fucking asleep while fully awake dude.

so anyways, that was my day today. typically everyday i'm in school irl goes wild, i hope anybody who read this far was entertained and totally doesn't think i'm a weak bitch LMFAO. ive smoked before i promise :((((

Monday, April 12, 2021 9:59 PM

side note, i took the hit at fucking 10 am, I didn't come down til 4 pm LMFAO bitch shit